#I feel a lot of the same fear that he does about feeling powerless in a world that could just decide on a whim at any moment to destroy you

[cold-neon-ocean]

Omigooooooaaaashhh 😭😭😭 your last post!!! Somebody PLEEEAASE SAVE BAATAR FROM HIS OWN MIND!! I literally know the feeling of fighting with yourself and your own thoughts and it's truly exhausting, nerve wrecking and draining!! But to have them centered around people who have extraordinary powerful abilities that literally change both the physical world and spiritual world HAS to be torture!! Omigosh by beautiful baby boy needs therapy!!

NO FOR REAL IM TRULY BEGGING HIM TO SEEK A GOOD THERAPIST LIKE SIR PLEASE 😭😭

Kuvira can just see on his face when he starts Thinking Too Much and then has to divert his attention lest he be consumed by the horrors of his own thoughts kshsjs Baatar doesn't like being fussed over like he's helpless and she knows that, but she can't help but check on his heart rate often to tell if he's having an anxiety spike or not. Especially when they're in public because it happens. He'll suddenly realize he's just surrounded by people who he can't ever know the intentions of and he'll just start quietly internally panicking and Kuv can't help but pick up his heart rate through the ground and have to go rescue him from himself :')

Like when he was captured and held hostage by Korra and she threatened him with the Avatar state, sure he called her bluff but that has to be the number one fear of any non-bender because what could they possibly do in response to that? He pretty much had his fear of being subjected to the mercy of someone with bending realized- in the worst possible scenario imaginable, and all he could do was try and talk his way out of it. And yeah Korra would have never hurt him in front of his family but he was still humiliated in front of them all the same. He's a champion at masking his feelings on the surface but I can only imagine how heart attack enduring as a non-bender being threatened by the Avatar themselves would be.

He's got so many mental anguishes going on at once, his status as a non-bender, how that has damaged his relationship with his family, his identity crisis, and also how he internalizes how Kuvira has felt outcast and he just reflexively gets angry for her. The man truly needs a mental health intervention because insisting that he can handle it all on his own has not been going as well as he thinks it has ajshsj

I've reoccuringly daydreamed about the scenario where Baatar does start going to therapy and detangling all his cumulative damage and feelings like that's truly what I want for him the most, some mental peace ;;

[blughxreader]

Soft yandere Miguel O’Hara

cw: noncon, breeding, kidnapping, m masturbation, biting, SPOILERS. Headcanons and drabble. 1.4k words.

Mean dom Miguel is so hot, but I find that soft yan Miguel has so much overlap with canon.

This man still does all the sick and deplorable things a villain does, but in a way that's strangely tender.

I mean, you simultaneously have to be a sweet man and a stone-cold motherfucker to step in the shoes of your dead counterpart and con his family into thinking everything is fine. Like, he (eventually) fucked a dead man's wife, adopted his child, and seamlessly integrated into his shoes.

While certainly calloused, it also reveals a profound desperation for love and a willingness to do anything for it.

Enter you: a Spider from a random dimension that got caught up in an anomaly's destruction. Maybe your world was destroyed or it's emotionally difficult for you to return, so you end up spending a lot of time at HQ.

Miguel doesn't notice you for a while. There's hundreds of Spiders milling about the base, so it's only until you befriend Peter B and his baby that you get acquainted.

You draw him in without trying, no matter the walls that Miguel puts up. He needs to focus—everyone's very existence is at stake, dammit,—but by month five, you're the only thing he can think about.

His advances start off slow, bogged down by his own exasperation at himself. You're ordered to give in-person de-briefs in Miguel's office and get invited to lunch with him and Peter B, giving you the impression of an upcoming promotion. Miguel is as poised as ever, not letting a single stray emotion color his expression, and talks to you in an aloof, polite manner.

However uninterested he might seem, his insides tighten and flutter at your growing friendship. Every time you smile or secretly share a bemused look, he sinks deeper and deeper in his desire to have you.

Proximity-wise, Miguel vacillates between sitting next to you, close enough for your elbows to brush, and standing 30 feet away on his podium for the next week.

His involuntary, physical reactions startle him, and it becomes another contention he internally wars about. The second he thinks it's harmless to brush against you, it divulges into grabbing—cupping—pinning—fucking—ruining.

God, he fucking loathes the powerless feeling you inflict on him, but he doesn't have the strength to put an end to your friendship. He furiously jerks off after every meeting, biting into his hand to punish himself as he comes to the thought of you swollen with his child.

He thinks of all the deplorable ways to make you pay for causing these feelings, but he ultimately knows the blame lies within him. You see him as a boss and friend, nothing more. You would never intentionally drag him down to this state, so he bottles up all these feelings for your protection.

It takes a particularly bad mission for his control to break.

Whatever reservations he had about locking you in his bedroom evaporate when he sees you covered in blood and rubble. Protecting you from himself was one thing, but the thousands of universes?

You didn't realize what happened until you woke up in an unfamiliar bedroom, weary from pain medication.

He takes your fear, anger, and tears in stride.

While he can't shake his bitchy personality, his annoyance always fizzles out to mumbles and sighs. For months, he takes your verbal abuse and outbursts with resigned acceptance. Miguel didn't always like what he had to do, but he would commit any atrocity if it meant keeping you at his side.

He moves some of his work at home to spend more time with you, just content to occupy the same room while you adjusted to your new situation.

Your shared apartment is quiet most days, save for sporadic outbursts of rage from you, and Miguel daydreams about having a few little kids running around to fill the void.

He stares at you most evenings, watching you curled up on the couch pointedly ignoring him. Miguel thinks you wouldn't be so belligerent if you needed him for something, if you craved his presence and help in some way.

Miguel's mind always drifts back to his favorite fantasies on nights like these: you nine months pregnant and too big for anything other than his shirts. His eyes drift down to your stomach, to the place where you could make his dreams come true.

Patience is something Miguel prides himself on, which is why he puts up with the loneliness for nearly a year after bringing you home. You were given ample time to warm up to him and he's been nothing but kind. Every broken plate and spoiled food, every scratch across his face, every insult—he let you have your way in hopes that you'll eventually recognize him as your lover.

But no. You complained and struggled every step of the way.

Miguel could never hurt you, but he realized that more permanent and assertive measures had to be taken to make you see that you need and love him as much as he does you.

---

When he finally takes you, there's hardly any space between your bodies. There are months of touch starvation to make up for and Miguel is compensating all at once.

His entire 6'9" stature pins you to his bed, locking you between arms as large as your thighs. Miguel is the only thing you see or feel, as his hands caress every dip and curve of your body and his cock grinds against your slit.

With your legs helplessly hiked up around his waist and one of his hands pinning your wrists above your head, he makes love to you with a slow burning intensity.

Your fear and disgust are palpable, but between his sweet voice in your ear and his fingers somehow knowing the rhythm and speed to play with your clit, you're more wet than you've ever been.

"Shh, shh, mi cornazón. I have you." Miguel kisses your jaw, his cock rocking in and out of your aching heat with an agonizingly slow pace. "Just breathe steadily and let me take care of you."

He's too big inside of you, and your grunts of pain make him linger in place to help you adjust. When his stride picks up and the wet sounds of sex fill the bedroom, disgust roils in your stomach. Yet fuck, fuck, fuck, your body temperature rises with each stroke.

Miguel kisses you deeply, using his free hand to hold your head in place. He says, "It's time. I've been so patient. Be brave for me and take our baby."

He swallows your horrified pleading with another scorching kiss.

Your pussy clenches around his dick and your breath catches in your throat. Miguel hugs you tighter, his nose pressed into your hair as he angles himself just right. When the first waves of your orgasm make your head dip back, the sharp edge of fangs scratch your neck.

You barely register his mantra of, "Te amo," when his jaw clamps down on your shoulder. Blood spurts from between his teeth, and you cry out in confused pain as your orgasm shakes your body.

Miguel moans into your flesh seconds later, pumping his cum deep inside you. His thrusting is uncoordinated and rough, too blinded by pleasure to notice how powerful his pounding is. The mattress springs whine beneath you two, and you can only cry from the overwhelming treatment.

He milks every last drop of cum into your cunt before he begins to slow. Both of you gasp for breath, your chests heaving against one another's as sweat cools on your hot skin.

He keeps you plugged up for a while longer to give the conception time. His bloodied lips drag across the wound on your shoulder, peppering you with kisses as he trails red along your neck.

A sob shutters in your chest as Miguel runs a palm along your stomach.

"You'll understand soon. I promise. This will be the best thing that's ever happened to us."

[cbrownjc]

Thoughts and Speculation after 2x07 (Spoilers):

A lot of people have said that this moment from the Season 2 trailers might actually be caused by a fight between Louis and Armand in the penthouse:

gif credit: @hermit-frog

And I have to say, after watching episode 2x07? I think they might be right.

Because if you know the book, you know that it is at the very end of it, like literally the last few pages, where it's revealed that Louis knew the whole time about Armand's role in what happened to Claudia. And they break up.

And so I think the same thing is coming next week on the show. Only in the show's regard, Louis knew of Armand's role, as we saw here -- but then was made to forget the actual full context of just how involved Armand was.

Because, as I pointed out on Twitter, this image from the trial --

-- is quite something. You have both the writer and director for the Théâtre des Vampires not on stage for this whole thing. Very much underlying the fact that this is a theatrical play that is being put on. As we saw, there was even a real, actual SCRIPT for this whole thing!

Like, how much more could the show have been pointing to what was really going on here? Trust a writing staff of playwrights to be meta about all of this. 🙃

Because the ending of this trial was written and locked in long ago. And who is the one that usually says when a play or film is locked in and finished?

The Director. (And yes I know producers and studios do too, but Armand is very much all of that wrt his role for their little theater as well).

BTW, Santiago and the coven did NOT expect Armand to do that to the audience. Saving Louis was very much off-script. And if Armand really had no power here, the coven could have just taken Louis off stage and killed him another way. The only reason they didn't was because Armand was very much not powerless in all of this.

Like, I love Armand's character, I really do -- now. But that is something that only came about after I read the books from Queen of the Damned forward. For the first two books, I very much did not like him. And, particularly when it comes to the Paris part of this story, that is where we are with his character right now. I know why he's doing what he's doing, I understand it. But I can't defend it.

Louis probably figured things out before San Francisco in 1973. He probably knew Armand's full role in what went down, same as in the book, after it all happened. But it was his suicide attempt that had Armand redact that knowledge from Louis' mind. The clues for that being the case are all there after episode 2x05.

Because, at the end of the day, even knowing Armand's full role in Claudia's death, Louis still mostly blamed himself for it all.

As we see, things are slowly starting to come back to Louis, but he's not fully there yet. And I think this whole memory thing is a more literal interpretation of the veil that descended over Louis' mind after Paris in the books.

A veil that only began to lift once Armand revealed to Louis that Lestat was alive. As we've seen, Louis knew Lestat was alive back in 1973. I'm not sure if he does so now. But maybe this isn't about knowing if Lestat is alive or not. Maybe it's just Louis thinking he needed to be punished because of his own role in failing Claudia -- and staying away from Lestat was part of that self-punishment. Because that view is a feeling I got when watching episode 2x05 and Louis not wanting to speak to Lestat. His refusal to speak wasn't out of anger IMO, but more fear and even sorrow.

The show is very much sticking to the beats of the book with all of this, and not revealing things about what happened that were revealed in later books. So I don't think Louis fully knows what was going on with Lestat during that trial. I wouldn't be surprised if we learn he still doesn't, since he never learned it in the first book.

But as I said here, it was clear as day that Lestat wasn't himself during that trial. Physically and especially mentally. I didn't even guess that the show would be that obvious about it, but they were. All very much hinting about what was really going on with his appearance here.

And Louis himself might, just might figure that out for himself. Especially if Dreamstat might appear to be back in his mind again. Because Dreamstat is very much Louis' subconscious. And I think Louis' subconscious knows something important is missing wrt all of this.

It was nice that, at least in the end, someone chose Claudia. Madeleine could have escaped this but chose to die with Claudia instead when she didn't have to. Her little middle finger to the crowd gave me a smile.

They did not do the full reveal of Claudia's diaries and what was in them on stage, which I seriously thought they would. They gave a hint about it, but more so in episode 2x05 than in here. Which means that, in a later season, we're still looking at that reveal from Merrick happening it seems. But then again . . . there were some things I suspect got left out on purpose because the actual (attempted) murder of Lestat was very much glossed over for us, the audience, during that trial sequence. We are very much set to revisit that whole thing during The Vampire Lestat adaptation in Season 3, of course. But I think even more will be revealed about that there then I originally thought.

And finally, Claudia. They said in the Inside The Episode they wanted her to go out with as much strength and defiance as she could and yeah, she did. But in the end, I still think she was angry, sad, and hurt by it all, which she had every right to be. Because at the end of the day, she never should have been made and was made for all the wrong reasons. But being turned so young made her a fierce and pure vampire though and though because she never had enough time to have lived a human life to have those types of morals and outlooks fully imprinted on her. That was always one of Claudia's core traits wrt her being turned so young, and she still had it here. And yes girl, you will haunt things after this -- particularly your parents.

In fact, it probably very much was your voice Louis heard calling him back in 2x05, wasn't it?

So, for a penultimate episode, this was very, very good. And things are very much going to explode next week. I knew Louis going Carrie/Firestarter on the coven would happen in 2x08. That moment always screamed "season finale" to me. Santiago picking up Claudia's yellow dress is also significant, as I think we'll see Louis' POV of that moment with Lestat about it.

And the break up between Louis and Armand might just be much more violent than it was in the book as well.

[hauntedfictionland]

Being their emotional support person —

☾︎✰❛❀ Shadow and bone characters x gn!reader

Includes/warnings: light mentions of PTSD, injuries, slightly stalkerish behaviours and implied romance.

🪐notes: i sort of recently got into Shadow and Bone and oh boy I'm absolutely in love, the plotlines, music, and characters are so beautifully done. I do truly hope that Netflix renews it back.

— I. KAZ BREAKER

(♥︎^⁠_^♥︎)

You and Kaz went back quite a long time as far back as the time his brother died with his innocence. You went through that together, from the sidelines you watched him change drastically, grow into a man whose name was rather feared than loved.

Kaz doesn't admit it, but he relies on you a lot. He knows the harshness he's put upon you everyday isn't new by now, but still unwelcomed. It stings him. You almost get treated the same as any other crow, if not for the times where you'd hold his upper arm in an act of comfort when needed.

And he'd let you. ♡

You're not the most significant part of the group, or the strongly important. But you can be useful enough in his words to ‘stay’, definitely not because Kaz wants you there by his side as he's always had most of his life.

Or so what he insists.

He looks upon you along with every plan of heists, a wordless query of help. It does not look like it, but your opinions and suggestions matter to him more than you'll ever know.

And when you need a favor, he's all yours. Jesper would sometimes find him doing questionable things for a man like Kaz's taste, when he'd ask it always goes a simple “Y/N asked for this”.

When Kaz is faced with his past, especially if without black gloves he has used as a shield—he won't come to you. The most would be handing his gloves back.

But after the worst is gone, he'll slowly reach out to you. Sitting beside you, head leaning on your shoulder. That is the moment he wants the most, support to get back to the daily life.

He needs you.

Needing anything is a weakness surely but he truly never considered you his, without you he'd actually fall apart with the absence of the power to get back again. You're his strength. His support, his person.

You're his, and he's yours.

— II. INEJ GHAFA

(♥︎^⁠_^♥︎)

Inej doesn't really feel comfortable relying on a lot of people, anyone for that matter. Yet when it comes to you it almost seems so effortless. Perhaps that's the effect you have on her.

Kaz brought you in a while ago when he was in desperate need of a healer.

When she saw you the first time, you seemed shy to the point of not even being able to hold eye contact. However as time slowly passed on you spend way more time with Inej than anyone else as she tended to get herself in all sorts of trouble.

Inej would find herself looking at you often, wondering how the alignment of your lips to the sharpness of jaw could ever be so perfect.

She started to let a few things of her past out here and there while you'd bandage her, careful enough to never reach the tip of the surface.

Bit by bit, it turned into a habit. Only now she would come to you herself and open up even when there was no scar or injury on her.

Something about the way you listened so tentatively with soft eyes that held no judgement, your words which grasped onto the feelings she couldn't seem to comprehend and your affection, all of it pulled her in.

And she could not let go.

Sometimes Inej feels a bit guilty, how you're always there yet she isn't. She wants to know about you, your interests, your fears, your life. And she wants to help. In that sense she feels worse.

She's the wraith, she's never been scared of anyone. Yet Inej feels herself becoming powerless the moment she looks at you.

And that'll be the death of her.

— III. ALECSANDER KIRIGAN

(♥︎^⁠_^♥︎)

Much like Kaz, Kirigan is not the most reliable at showing affection. But he does know very clearly the way you've helped him will not go unnoticed or unappreciated.

Rather unexpectedly, even as a grisha on his team you've somehow managed to slip into the cracks of his facade. The demeanor he held.

After Alina fled, he wasn't in the calmest mind. And sensing you just hold him without a single word, a hand soothing his shoulder with a wave of your magic spreading around him. He in the longest while felt peace alongside tranquillity in just a few minutes.

With him in your arms, you gave him a sense of assurance without ever putting them into words.

Kirigan keeps you absolutely spoiled. He tells the extravagant jewelries and fancy wines are gestures of reward for your exertion which he'd give to anyone who'll work just as hard. Except that in truth he feels he owes you a great deal whenever his emotional hard times are mended because of you.

And it's his way of showing the utmost appreciation, almost affection you've placed in his heart for you.

The fact that you don't judge or mock, even think of him as ‘weak’ for not being the powerful general everyone sought out to be has him in a chokehold.

He thinks about you, and every one of your encounters has him thinking for weeks. Each and single one. Soley, it does come off as any surprise when Alecsander sets at least one grisha protector to watch you. Your safety is his utmost priority and even perhaps to know a little details about you and the people you talk with.

Which you don't need to know about whatsoever.

The time he revealed his true self to you, he was very much afraid that was the way he'll lose you. You'd see the monster his mother claims him to be and run far away. But instead when you embraced his dark side with a glint in your eyes, he knew you had him whipped in a tight hold.

— IV. ALINA STARKOV

(♥︎^⁠_^♥︎)

You first saw Alina when Zoya sent her flying across the field. Rather before that, eyes stealing glances on you.

She knew who you were, the great earth summoner. And as per who she was, Alina felt inclined to meet you. Her newly found peers brought her upon you, and when you turned to face her, Alina was quite at a loss for words.

Wonderstruck.

You seemed far much greater than she imagined, and oh she had a lot to learn from you.

Alina found you on many occasions, tried to as best she could. Questions about your powers, her powers, and secrets of the little palace. You gave them all, heart smiling fondly at her genuine curiosity.

You'd discover yourself sitting beside her, on the floor with backs leaning against the wooden bookshelves. Walks around the little palace or the library, you were growing much closer with her as the days passed.

Sometimes a word or two would slip out of her missing a certain Mal, and the camp of the first army. She would close them, a bit scared of your thoughts that is before you assure her. That whatever is was held in her heart, she could absolutely come to you.

And came she did.

You and her would spend hours under the night sky, hearing her stories of the orphanage—worries she held about herself, and Mal. Either way Alina was sure you were her answer.

The way you'd given her a tiny beam of grin, hands grazing over hers. Talking conclusions she could barely listen when her focus was your lips. A connection she felt that was electrifying.

Alina believed it was because of your power as the Earth, and her's as the Sun summoner. However in that, a deeper part of her knew something was more than that.

A single time someone referred you as her Earth summoner, the mere prospect of that—even when she knew the other meant it in no harm, drove her crazy.

The time after you comforted her about the troubles she held about Mal, sincere yet bittersweet smile on your lips. You knew she had feelings for the boy, a thought that made your gut wrench for a reason you didn't acknowledge.

When you asked her that, Alina's eyes gazed at yours before she pulled her lips on yours in return so softly you could only hum.

You were hers alright.

[what-thisiscrazzzy]

Some thoughts from my second watch of ‘The Case of The Devlin House’

Sorry if this long and obvious I just need to say stuff

- Charles mentions liking the song playing in the house, noting that he played it a lot before his dad smashed it with a hammer. 1) this is the first thing about the house which strikes a personal chord between Charles and the Devlins 2) this likely puts Charles’ dad in his mind causing his emotional reaction to be more intense later? 3) it’s an example of his father being controlling. Later we hear that one of the girls in the house found her father extremely controlling. Charles talks about never being able to make him happy. This is an example of this behaviour, specifically something Charles finds joy in upsetting his father and causing a violent outburst 3) possibly a first clue to his fear of being just like his dad? It’s a link between a violent man and Charles during a case about child abuse, emotions can be very messy making links that aren’t 100% logical. I think the mention of the song just feels intentional as any other aspect of the case could link to Charles but his love of music is very specific.

- Edwin doesn’t have a notable reaction to the violence. Truthfully I was mostly watching Charles and the camera work does as well. However, Edwin notably doesn’t flinch as much as anyone else during the murders, he does react but not the same degree as far as I could tell. When Edwin and Crystal share a frame during the suicide she has a larger reaction. Additionally, he doesn’t freak out as much/like everyone else, staying mostly level headed. This is likely due to his time in hell, the horror is disturbing but doesn’t shock him to the same degree. Edwin has experience and witnessed violence for decades so while Charles is triggered and Crystal is very empathetic he remains more composed.

- Edwin only freaks out when Charles is in trouble. This adds onto what I’ve just mentioned but Edwin is more composed until Charles is caught in the loop. The loop troubles him but he only really reacts with the same level as dramatics once Charles is in trouble. Again I think his time in hell made him not less empathetic but more capable of repressing horror or dealing with it. But losing Charles is not something he is accustomed to and cannot keep his composure about.

- Crystal being incredibly empathetic. Thought of this after but Edwin’s line about her being not what she did but what she does or whatever it was perfectly encapsulates what this episode says about Crystal. I think it was easy to get caught up in the Charles of it all but this episode really shows how caring and empathetic she is. Crystal notes when Charles is seriously affected. She herself is incredibly upset during the murders and try’s to leave after the first loop. She’s very upset to find out how she used to act. That last example is interesting bc she is shown who she was and is disgusted, this is in an episode where she is helping others. We are really shown that at her core Crystal is a good and caring person, as this is a rewatch I can say that this really sets up that it was circumstances that made her so cold and callous pre-David. Without the feelings such as abandonment by her parents she really acts with a big heart, clearly upset by suffering around her. I don’t have much more to say but yeah the episode does a good job at really contrasting the before and after of Crystal and showing her true character.

- someone else pointed this out before i rewatched but: Charles’ loop starts with his snapping at Edwin. While the entire experience appears specifically triggering for Charles and his intense reaction is there from the beginning he only becomes trapped after snapping at Edwin. More specifically after facing multiple triggering situations and then snapping at Edwin. He hears a song that he relates to a bad memory of his dad, witnesses the abuse of powerless children, reads a diary of said abused child which he relates to heavily and the the events of his being trapped in the loop happen.

I think this relates back to what I was saying about the song. Multiple confusing emotions related to his trauma are brought up. A song both he and the murder liked is playing as he snaps at his best friend. Lots of feelings there.

His fear over his mother and his fear and hurt during his own abuse are brought up. And then he snaps at his best friend, try’s a violent solution and then is attacked. I think his fear over being just like his dad is brought up and then the Devlin father’s violence was reminiscent of the violence he faced previously. The feeling of helplessness as he couldn’t fight back and the fear of himself. It’s something he can’t stop and he’s powerless to help, while also bringing out a part of himself he hates.

Charles has a strong sense of justice and the events of the Devlin house is extremely unjust so he is extremely upset and frustrated at what is occurring.

Charles plays at being so happy all the time because although he calls himself the Brawn, he’s the protector, we can see later on that his own violent capabilities scare him.

We, the audience, and his friends know hes not a violent person and would only react so in self defence but Charles greatest fear is that he’s not a Good Guy.

The Devlin house triggers all the issues he carries after the abuse he suffered including his fear of himself. He sees himself in the victims but a small part of him is scared he’s also like the perpetrator.

There’s so much here and that why I love Charles bc he’s got so much going on in his head hidden behind a smile

This was only meant to be short but I kept rambling on. So basically the song, Edwin, Edwin freaking out over Charles, Charles being emotionally complex bc he cares so much and is so hurt.

[squib-2006]

So I’ve finally got some of my thoughts on the new season in order and letting my self sit on it for a while

Dragons rising season 2 spoilers!!!!!

So first off holy shit this season has managed to completely wipe out any fears I had for season two. I’m a generally anxious person and am pretty naturally pessimistic about most things and was pretty anxious about season 2 because from the stuff shown in trailers and promotional vids it looked like a “Lloyd chosen one” plot line and I have a history of hating that kinda thing because it’s been beaten to death in ninjago at this point. While a bit of that was there I found it was done quite tastefully and didn’t overwhelm everything else story wise.

I felt that the pacing of the first 6-7ish episodes was a bit all over the place. Having the training arc and the Cole-Zane plot lines happen in the same episode with the pov switching back in forth felt a little bit off to me.

Sora and arins character arcs are shaping up to be pretty good. Soras more confident in her self than season one and she’s trying to help Arin but I feel like the whole using her elemental power to help Arin will backfire into her face. Arin’s insecurity and the whole how can I be useful if I don’t have an element I fell is being handled way better than the dumb kai arc in season 11(dw I will get to that when I get to kai) and it’s about on par with the Lloyd powerless plot from hunted. I am really excited to see what they do next and if Arin will be really mad at sora or not cuz like he’s super nice and stuff and I fell like he would be sad instead of mad.

Nya didn’t really have a lot going on personally except the stuff with Jay which I’m iffy on because so much of Nyas character in older seasons revolved around Jay and I just hope they don’t go back to that and let her character breath a bit.

In the topic of Jay I really really REALLY hope he isn’t evil. That the idea because it’s really out of character and they are already pushing my buttons with the lost memory crap because that’s something that I’ve rarely seen done well at all and it makes me very nervous and I just don’t like it. I do like that Jay just seems to be a guy who hates his job tho that’s fun.

I think the writers are just having fun with Zane and I think that’s cool. I do wanna punch the administration guy who said Zane isn’t a person because he is and he’s a bean and I will not allow this nobody to slander him.

It was nice to see more of Cole this season. I swear him and geo are so cute. The hand holding and the fact that they basically adopted two kids together is amazing and I am fully on board for this ship.

The villans were really interesting. I hope they keep up the quality with them because the mystery of ras’ master and wtf happened with jordana is really exciting. Cinder was intresting and as someone who has no interest in men what so ever I am kinda baffled at why so many people want this man but hey you do you. I do wonder what happened to ash tho. The member of the forbidden five looks interesting too and part of me is hoping that the leaked “evil jay” minifig is actually this guy just powered up cuz the color palette is similar enough and I just don’t want an evil jay.

Wyldfyre is amazing her whole leg being broken then sneaking on the ship to the exasperation of kai (like he would totally have pulled something like this a few seasons ago the hypocrite <3) and the others was so good. I am curious about her talk with egalt she mentioned one of her family members getting the wasting sickness but it can’t be heat wave cuz he seems fine so maybe she had more than one dragon guardian??? I do hope that Kai’s portal abduction does affected going into part 2 and that she bonds with nya and the others over it.

Egalt and rontu were very interesting to me and I’m glad they didn’t go the route of them being the actual creators of spinjitzu and kept the lore consistent I was slightly worried about that. Hope they come back in part 2 too.

Bonzle was a big surprise for me. I likes her personality in season 1 but I didn’t expect her to be so important. She’s really sweet and the scene with wu was great too.

And finally last but definitely not least, the best character in this entire show and my favorite comfort character to beat the shit out of

KAI

IT WAS SO FREAKING GOOD. I LITERALLY HAVE NOT BEEN THIS HAPPY WITH AN EPISODE SINCE SEASON 4 EPISODE 7 THE FORGOTTEN ELEMENT (iykyk) I was literately kicking my feet like a little girl and crying and screaming my head off to the point I woke up other family members. Him unlocking the rising dragon technique by having his sister help and being in harmony with his family is so fucking sweet and I cried like a little bitch it was so good. I am also so happy that they used his old hair and didn’t just slap a smaller version of his current hair onto him (tho I kinda wish they had used the fucked up custom hair that was in the older episodes but I doubt that model is even in their hands so whatever(side side note I love the fucked up hair so much it’s so stupid I love it and will forever miss it)) him being such a dad to wyld fire was so sweet and then using the rising dragon technique after he saw his family in danger was just perfect. I do kinda wish there was more of a dramatic reaction to him getting yeeted by ras into the portal (kinda like any of the other ninja “deaths/major injuries”) but im fine with what we got. Except I kinda hate that only nya has an outward reaction in the aftermath. No lloyd reaction no Cole reaction and nothing from Zane and it makes me mad because every other time a ninja had their moment there was a whole team reaction. But I’m feeling like that’s to nitpicky and there’s still ten more episodes to fix that so fingers crossed. But kai also encouraging bonzle to close the portal even if he’s trapped inside is such a kai thing and hit me like a truck. Also him calling bonzle kid dispite her being much much older than him is funny and sweet cuz Kai’s big brother/father figure side is coming through and it’s so sweet. And the ninja never quit line is so great I was sobbing even more after that. (Tho I don’t know why he said he got it from Lloyd when it would have made more sense to have it be from master wu cuz that’s where he learned it but eh whatever).

While im really happy about kai finally getting some well deserved angst im also very anxious about it too. This could be the perfect opportunity for the writers to just conveniently forget about him for a while and idk if i could sit through that. Kai is a huge part of why I watch ninjago and he’s always been handed the shortest stick character development wise and technically he never got his own focus season either (and no i dont count the pilots because that focused mainly on all the ninja and was only two episodes, i also don’t count season four because it was more a group season, and season 11 doesn’t count because he got a half baked b plot that sucked) I’m very worried that I will loose enjoyment in the show because I dropped the show out of disappointment after season 11 because A LOT of premonitional material made it seem like a kai season and I got my hopes up and was let down so much. I’m very cautious when getting excited about things involving kai in particular because of that and I’m just hoping the writers don’t fuck it up.

Ok that’s enough negativity for once. I’m so excited for more and am foaming at the mouth for more!

[jadededge]

Siren | Christian Yu - Ch. 3

Pairing: Christian x You

Genre: Demon AU, Romance, Smut, slight Horror

Rating: M

Summary: That voice. It started calling me during the darkest moments of the night, like a siren luring me further into the deep and it has continued for weeks.

Wattpad | AO3   (will likely always update these 2 places first)  

Navigation: Chapter 1 | Chapter 2 | Chapter 3

Tonight, I was afraid to fall asleep. I was certain the man—the thing—I was seeing in my dreams was my new boss. But I couldn't understand how this was happening. How was any of this real?

I thought of calling my closest friend Talia, but as I went over what I would say in my head, it sounded insane. Nobody would believe me. Perhaps I should check myself into an in-patient program. Though deep down, I don't think even they could help me either.

I'm also angry that I was lulled into a false sense of security with no issues for a week just to have it ripped from under me. This seemed to be intentional. But what does he want with me? And to top it all off, I found myself attracted to him. Even the being in my dream was stunning. I silently yearned beneath his touch, hoping for more.

"I must be a real sicko." I say to myself.

What frightened me the most was also what thrilled me. He had complete control over me. I was merely an instrument of his will, and I was completely powerless to resist. Even now, cowering away at home, he's all I think about. It was like he was invading my thoughts and entering my mind without my permission. There was no escape from his grasp. What would happen at work? If Christian is indeed the one who has been haunting me, what will he bring to the real world?

My mind was racing through these thoughts so much that I didn't realize I had drifted to sleep…

________________________________________________

"Darling…" I hear whispered into my ear. Still in the dark, I don't quite stir. I hear a chuckle. "You didn't want to fall asleep, and yet here you are."

Familiar voice. I think.

I slowly start to wake up and attempt to open my eyes. "Christian."

He chuckles again. "Not quite." I feel a thumb carressing my cheek.

I bolt right up and open my eyes wide. It's him but with a white eye. I look around quickly and notice I'm in the same place as before, but I'm placed on a chaise.

"What's going on? You're definitely Christian. Why are you doing this?" I rush out.

He just smiles and shakes his head. "I'm not Christian, but I can see why you might think that." He pauses, looking at me with a knowing expression. "The truth is, I'm someone who's not entirely different."

He turns his back to me and walks across the room, still talking to me. "As for 'why' It's fun?" He laughs again. This time is throaty and loud.

He's speaking in riddles and obviously enjoying himself. I don't think this is funny at all. In fact, i'm starting to get pissed off. "Well, I'm glad you think torturing me is funny, but this is not a game."

He turns back to face me. "That's where you have it wrong. It IS a game."

"Well, I don't want to play. I want to go home."

"No." He says simply

"No?"

"No." He repeats calmly.

"I don't have time for this shit, Christian or not Christian. Whatever you are. I'm not playing anymore." I try to stand up and stumble. My legs aren't quite awake; I must've been out for awhile.

"Sit." A deep voice speaks in my ear. But the thing is still across the room. Smiling.

Just like before, my body moves on its own. And I'm forced to sit back down.

"And shut up." He sits in that same chair like it's a throne. "You ask a lot of questions. I'm not sure you want to know all the answers. I'm not sure it matters."

I scoff. "Of course it matters. You've been stalking me for weeks. Controlling me in my dreams. And then, you or not you walks into my job. So either answer my questions, send me back, or kill me and get it over with, if that's your plan."

I'm hoping he doesn't call my bluff, but it's clear that he is aware of my fear, but I do not know how. Maybe I can throw him off by pretending to be brave.

He laughs again. "You're funny. I'm not going to kill you. I might hurt you. But you'll like that."

I shivered as my mind wandered through the possibilities. "So, what do you want?"

"You. I thought that was clear." He says, tilting his head slightly.

Clearly, he's trying to be vague. "Yes, that is clear. What do you want to do with me, besides play to play?"

"That's it. Mostly…" He smirks as if he knows a secret.

I study him. "What are you?" He looks like a man, but I know he's not. Not entirely. As he said.

He tsks and shakes his head. "Again, you ask too many questions. If I told you everything now, what fun would I miss out on watching you try to figure it out? You're going to wake up now. But i'll be seeing you soon."

I feel myself being tugged from this place. I wasn't ready to leave quite yet. My curiosity was getting the better of me.

"Wait. Will you at least tell me your name?" I ask before I'm pulled away completely.

As I lay down and my eyes slowly close, I look at his face, mouth not moving but I hear that same deep voice whisper again into my ear just before drift into darkness. "Mito."

[pomefioredove]

i love ur character analysis posts .. whag do you think of azul . he gets written really ooc sometimes but u nail every character soooo

ALRIGHT. preemptive apology. this gets kind of depressing because I relate to azul on a personal level. I don't think about him as much as I should... so.

azul is driven by fear.

going through something traumatic, like bullying, or abuse, or isolation, or anything, can make you more bitter and resentful towards yourself than that which traumatized you. I have a tendency to blame myself for what other people do to me. not my actions, mind you, not something specific I said or did, but for simply being... me. I think azul works in a similar way. I think he hated himself, hates himself, for just being. and he punishes himself pretty harshly for it.

he's terrified of being the azul who was traumatized. he has this innate desire to kill and bury the him who was hurt, not because he doesn't recognize them, but because he recognizes them too much. he hates them. he resents them. he blames them. he blames himself, and so he punishes himself.

it's misleading. it feels like moving on, but all it really is is repression. and you end up doing a lot of things to yourself that you regret. I went through a pretty extreme version of this after I got away from my abuser. I forced myself to adopt a new personality, I moved, I even had my name legally changed. I also destroyed every single picture of me that I could find. it's coping but it doesn't help, not really, it just feels like running away. it's never enough and you always have this sickening feeling in the pit of your stomach that you will always be that person. weak, helpless, afraid.

living through something that takes your autonomy and shatters your sense of self, such as abuse, or bullying, makes you feel powerless. azul does what he does because he wants control. he wants to feel powerful. he wants to feel safe. he can never, ever be weak again, because he blames own weakness for making him a victim. he does not want to be a victim.

but his need for control ends up isolating him just the same, anyway. he's... sort of friends with the tweels, but not really, and he has no one else at NRC. he was so obsessed with not being at the bottom of the social order that he made his own order, put himself at the top, and is still lonely. he wants to be respected. he wants to be needed. but he doesn't want to be needy, no, he's so mistrustful and refuses to let himself rely on others to the point where he's still... alone.

"azul" becomes more of a brand than a person. everything about him is so meticulously crafted that he can't even breathe without lying. it's just second nature to him at this point. there's still a very scared and very sad child somewhere in him, and he is doing everything in his power to hide them. and it's exhausting to live as if you're always being judged. I think he lacks a sense of self.

he cannot be a victim. that's his whole personality. he refuses to even believe he was a victim. he moves from one extreme to the other, becoming someone who victimizes others, perpetuating the cycle. I think that victims find comfort in being bad people because it makes our trauma feel justified. we can't seem to accept that abuse happens for no reason, so we find new ways to blame ourselves. "I deserved it because I'm a bad person", but you're not, so you start doing bad things to make it feel like you are. it's about control. and it's all a facade.

I like azul. I wish the narrative would go a little further with him and this idea. I think he's a sweetie he just has such a deep-rooted hatred of himself that he's repulsed by the mere idea of letting his guard down.

I don't usually read azul fics so this all might be how people characterize him anyway, idk, I'm going off memory lol

[limbus-limousine]

Keep saying this but I loooove how relationships are talked about and portrayed in Demian (1919). Like. To an insane degree that I can barely put into words. It bothers me how overlooked it is sometimes? People always have a tendency to shove fictional relationships into very cramped, defined little boxes and then fight over the plastic label.

The way relationships are seen in Demian is one of the main reasons why I hold this book so close to my heart, because it was the first time I saw my thoughts put into words that I could analyze and study. That and the whole premise of how growing up in a religiously oppressive environment disguised with love and purity will inevitably affect how you process your feelings toward others... Makes me relate to Sinclair a lot. And it feels like a gross oversimplification to restrict his feelings as platonic or romantic.

I've talked about how I see Demian and Eva as extremely related entities before, how they are essentially the same. But I think their distinction as physical characters is very useful for the storytelling and symbolism. As I see it, Demian (the book) is all about love. It's not just about finding love in someone else but also finding love in yourself, in what you do and where you are in your life. This might be more of a personal interpretation, but to me, Eva represents a very, very specific feeling, in a way it's a culmination, a point where you finally stop to think and say to yourself "maybe I am okay. This is what okay feels like to me". Freudian influence aside... The motherly themes hit me really hard for this very reason:

When I read how Sinclair slowly fell out with his family, it spoke of a very specific experience. A very specific realization. "This deal isn't that of a bad friendship or acquaintance. I won't have a second chance. Simply because of how I was born, where I was born, there are human experiences that I'll never be able to know, and I am powerless to change that", you cannot choose your family, your mother, right? It's what you get, and you see around you what could've been but never was, and it makes you feel weak.

That's why Frau Eva is such an important figure. Because that is when Sinclair finds his family again, in a way. Why should blood matter so much? Sure, there's a biological connection, it's also been studied that romantic relationships reach their "high" during their earlier days due to hormones and neurotransmitters, right, "love at first sight", but those will eventually cease production as all does. It is your choice to nurture that relationship and to cherish it, to keep and to care for it. Blood does not matter, home is a person and it's right next to me, right now. I think that is what Frau Eva is, as a whole. And allowing that feeling to coexist with the platonic and the romantic is very important as I see it. One of the main problems of this motherly dynamic is the power difference, what makes Sinclair struggle in his childhood is the constant sensation of being watched, of being subjected to severe judgement. Frau Eva is supposed to remove that factor, she listens and she welcomes any thought or idea, there isn't fear of rejection or punishment, that's what makes it feel "like home". That was, kind of, the last step to reach the fulfillment Sinclair needed. I see Eva as the "destination" of this whole thing.

And Demian, he is the journey. One of the biggest mistakes one can make is to dismiss the process and work that goes into an achievement, because it is important. There is no Eva without Demian, they are intrinsic by nature. And journey is something that never leaves you. Even when Sinclair reaches his destination, he never stops caring about Demian. He visits Eva and he visits Demian, even if he has to walk through horrible weather, he speaks of his dreams to them, and he sits at the table and eats with them. Because during your journey you gain so many things you never expected, and at the end of the road, they become part of your fulfillment and needs as much as the main achievement is.

What Sinclair obtains from Demian and Eva, and everything in between them, is a unique relationship, deeply fulfilling, trusting, reassuring, a place where you know you can come to, even when you're at your lowest. Eva capitalizes on the genuine care, nurturing qualities, but Demian, too is a mentor, although I find falconer to be a better comparison. He helps the sparrowhawk grow its clipped wings, but in turn, he shall not stop it from flying, only the bird itself can choose to return the falconer's affections. But at the end of the day, all the falconer wishes for is to see him take flight. Sinclair obtains everything: friendship, camaraderie, acceptance, relief of a deep rooted guilt, no judgement for his human desires, the care and trust he lost from his mother, and something to look forward to after waking up in the mornings.

At the end of the book, Sinclair is separated from both of them, as I've said, they are intrinsic. But of course, they don't fully leave. As I see it, the kiss being from Eva means that your achievement is and will always be a sweet thought. Something you hold dear, that you can think of to comfort yourself. But Demian is there to deliver it and to fix Sinclair's wounds because journey is experience. It is what strengthens you and gives you the tools to face future endeavors. And it feels safe... You are finally safe within yourself.

But what about the scary factor, though? Because that is present too in both Demian and Eva (which I happen to really enjoy, as well). As always, I think it's a balance. It's good to know fear, it's a human emotion like any other. But the fear that radiates from them is more... Animal-like. The fear Sinclair once felt was a deep rooted terror that was born from something divine. You're being watched. You're being judged. You're wrong. You're a sinner. That's scary. Because it's telling you that the danger comes from yourself. When you see a beast staring into you, you don't feel self conscious, you don't feel repulsed, you feel the most natural shape that fear has. Beautiful things are scary. A snake can be scary. The stars can be scary. But it's not their fault, and it's not your fault either, it's just how it's meant to be. Because all feelings —love, anger, fear, sadness— and more, they are all important, they are all natural. But natural feelings can be beautiful. Artificial feelings make you fear something you've never witnessed, they make your stomach churn at the thought of yourself and they make you cry for something you haven't done. And most people around you live holding onto relationships that are, fundamentally, held by artificial feelings.

That is... Most of what I interpret from this book. And, god. It feels more like the book read me and not the other way around. I think I've truly found a bigger respite in art thanks to this novel. I have wanted to see the same beauty in the naturally grotesque... Learn about myself until rotting, flesh, maggots become just as beautiful and full of meaning as spring rivers and flowering plains, and for anger and fear to turn into something I can love and cherish like I do my inner child. Although they, too, have surely grown up.

That's it. I wanna play toysssss

[necrophilemagpie]

Alucard characterization headcanons and Why exactly making Seras a vampire was something he felt the need to do. And why she felt the need to resist it so much.

So, here's the big one that p much drives my personal characterization of him

He's not some sort of just-because devil figure that 'corrupts people for the fun of it i guess.' No, his reasons for doing what he does are deeply painfully personal and informed shamelessly by his own trauma and things He wanted back before he lacked power.

Oh and wanting to justify himself and that pesky thing called being afraid to be alone.

"I wish everyone that's hurt me ever died a painful gory death" is something a lot of people feel, but he makes the assumption that it's something people also want to Act on. He did.

How Exactly he became Dracula is not known, but it is strongly implied something happened and he Gave Himself that kind of power through the rage he felt.

And then the dynamic flipped. He became a powerful feared warlord, he was in a position where, if he so wished anyone that as much as looked at him wrong could be easily be rid of forever in a matter of minutes or seconds.

He also got to know all too well when he was defeated just exactly how painful it was to be powerless again, though not entirely this time, by comparison it must've Felt exactly like coming back to being a scared kid.

Especially having been betrayed further, and, as far as he knew, being tossed to that basement to the end of time, unable to even move, until Integra found him.

And in his mind, not only did she Save him, she saved him By Giving Him Power again.

And he wants to replicate that feeling, that exhilaration of being granted power to... honestly just reach the absolute safety of being the scariest thing around really.

He saw Seras and realized, maybe, just maybe thats someone thats kind of like him, maybe that's someone that Could Be Like him, maybe if he gives her what he previously mustered for himself, and what Integra gave him

finally, finally somebody will understand him. Finally he can justify who he is by saying 'look! here's someone, here's someone who thought the same!' that he's not a monster, or at least not that much of a monster, or at least that being a monster is a normal, reasonable thing to be.

Trouble is, Seras, no doubt growing up with no real support as an extremely traumatized, and, honestly, likely autistic child knows something about the human world he might've forgotten about.

And that something is, that outliers are not Welcome in the world, that the world is Always bigger, that being visibly hurt is Dangerous and that lashing out will get you in deep shit and it's best to not give anyone reasons to notice.

She's not just a bubbly girl simply to be cute I guess, the girl is masking.

Oh but she no longer lives in the human world. And to him it's weakness, to him it's bullshit. To him it's Seras digging her own grave.

He doesn't quite get at first that she doesn't just cling to humanity because change is scary, but because her humanity has been The One Thing she's had to protect herself with. And Acting Like A Normal Human was her one defense against being neglected and othered more than she already was.

It did literally take the human world visibly crumbling around her for Seras to realize, wait, that's not, that's not as real or as powerful a structure as she thought and it wont even apply to her anymore once its back.

And likely shocked as he was, that Seras turned out a very different kind of monster from him, Alucard, nonetheless, got something much better than he bargained for. Not a copy or a follower. An equal.

[toastandjamie]

Been thinking about Mat Cauthon again, not an abnormal occurrence, but here’s an essay about him.

I have to cut this up because of the word limit, so here’s part 1

Part 1: How To Traumatize Your Comedic Relief

So like, Mat’s paranoia and trust issues stem entirely from the events of the first book regarding the Shadar Logoth dagger. But like- I wanna talk meta about Mat’s story and the concepts of loss of innocence, the evils of man, and fear of being powerless and how that relates to his character arc and relationships in the story. So let’s put aside the lore explanation of “evil dagger doing evil dagger things”

So when we first meet not just Mat, but all three Ta’veren boys there’s this element of childlike innocence to them. Despite the fact that all three are eighteen at the start of the series, Emmonds Field is so isolated, safe and peaceful that the boys are actively noted as being exceptionally naive to the outside world. They’re practically toddlers being left alone in a grocery store when they get separated from the actual experienced adults. This is a feature not a bug mind you, when it comes to having protagonists to introduce a world to an audience with. Not to mention that sets up all of the Emmonds Fields kids(this is specifically barring Nynaeve) to have a “Loss of Innocence” character arc, and they all do, but what’s interesting is how each character handles this loss and how long it takes for them to accept this reality. Mat is actually the first of them to really experience the effects of this loss of innocence, due to previously mentioned dagger problems, but let’s ignore the curse and talk about what exactly happened in Shadar Logoth that shook Mat’s worldview so badly. Mat does not start the story as the cynical and sarcastic character we all know and love, he’s introduced to us as being genuinely kindhearted and trusting, like I know it’s easy to forget given EVERYTHING Mat does in the later books, but of the three Ta’veren boys he’s the one who trusts Morraine the most in the beginning. He doesn’t question her motives nor does he seem to have any innate hostility towards her being Aes Sedai like Rand does(though his hostility stems from a place of jealousy and protectiveness of Egwene rather than genuine prejudice). The same goes for Thom as well, Mat doesn’t know anything about this person but he trusts these seemingly well intentioned adults intrinsically. The only person Mat seems to even have the slightest hesitation about is Lan and that’s solely because he’s aloof and doesn’t show much emotion, something that Mat finds extremely off-putting as the type of person who always has Big Feelings, and takes a lot of self esteem in his ability to make others laugh. This makes sense, because at this point they’ve not encountered any darkfriends(that they knew of) so currently the only Evil they encountered has been literal shadowspawn monsters. The Emmonds Field kids have never met a person who had genuinely bad intentions, I’ll-tempered like Cenn Buie, or a bit disreputable like the Coplins and Congars but even these people were at their cores Good People. So why WOULD they distrust these people who say they have their best interests at heart. That’s when we get to Shadar Logoth, and Mat as the ADHD icon he is, immediately gets bored and wants to explore the abandoned city. Rand and Perrin, as the two more mature ones both rightfully call this a bad idea since they were told NOT to go exploring by themselves, but Mat only heard “Trolloks can’t come in here so it’s safe” and nothing else so he decides to go anyways. Rand and Perrin tag along mostly to make sure Mat doesn’t get hurt. And who do they meet except the most suspicious man ever who lures them into his white van- I mean treasure room with the promise of candy-I mean treasure. These boys have never heard of stranger danger in there lives and automatically trust this random man who lurks in alleyways. And wouldn’t you know it, but this guy was not trustworthy at all and tries to kill them resulting in the group getting separated.

Here’s the thing, this is the first time in Mat’s life that he’s ever experienced true man made evil. This wasn’t the dark ones doing, Mordreth was just a guy who had genuinely malicious intentions and took advantage of Mat and his friends. This alone is enough to make him cautious but then throughout their entire road trip to Camlyn they are constantly ambushed by dark friends, in fact after Whitebridge they don’t get any direct encounters with Shadowspawn, they see a few myrrdraal hunting them but they avoid them pretty easily, it’s the People that consistently hurt them; and they are EVERYWHERE. Darkfriends are practically popping up at every street corner and they could be literally anyone. Mat tells Rand at one point that he feels like everyone is out to get them and Rand assures him that not everyone is a darkfriend, but at the same time, I can SEE why Mat would come to that conclusion. I mean is it really paranoia if they actually are out to get you? It wasn’t even just darkfriends, which makes it’s objectively worse, throughout their road-trip May and Rand are constantly met with people who are selfish, greedy, rude and sometimes even outright cruel and a lot of them weren’t darkfriends. They interact with Whitecloaks who are supposed to be righteous and good but are just bullies in shiny armor and carrying around swords. They interact with merchants on the road who take active pleasure in nearly taking out Rand’s eye with whip because the two of them walked a little too close to a cart. An innkeeper who purposefully locked them in a small storage closet so that he could rob them in the middle of the night. Rand remains optimistic but by the time they reach Camlyn Mat had become completely pessimistic and despondent. He didn’t trust anyone, he believed wholeheartedly that everyone wanted to hurt him, everyone except of course Rand.

[gaylordscooter]

Log of the Multiverse: Nightmare

hoo boy i got shivers just writing down their name.

i'm doing their entry before dream's because, like ink, i'll let him write his own. too bad he's so incredibly busy all the time

now nightmare, his brother, the guardian of negativity. they're terrifying. i can't believe they're dream's twin. they hardly even look like a skeleton.

Thankfully they're nowhere NEAR as active as Dream is. in fact, it's a rare sight to see them for the average person. unfortunately i'm with a group of loony people that happen to be the only people nightmare would seek out from time to time.

i actually got a sticky note i wrote on after i encountered them for the first time

[there's a somewhat crumpled sticky note taped on, it reads:

their touch hurts, presumably because of the goop (speaking of goop. no idea what it's made out of). reminds me of the time i spilt hydrochloric acid on my foot on accident. however, it doesn't actually leave a wound or lasting pain, like touching fire without getting burned

you’ll know they're near when you get a heavy feeling in your soul, similar to blue magic but if it hated you.

negative feelings fuel them. it’s like their food. would being happy drive them away?

they don't kill as long as they find you useful apparently im “a cesspool of anxiety and guilt that provides a plentiful amount of energy”. i hope they choke on my feelings.]

i forgot about that last bit. moving on

they've caused quite a bit of commotion back in their peak. they were on par with error in terms of disturbing universes. they just had. different methods (such as, killing loved ones in front of people, making people live out their worst fears, spilling people's very important secrets, manipulating people who are close to hate each other, ruining the happy endings of many universes) they're a lot more sadistic than error. i suppose that makes sense. they ARE the guardian of negativity.

now i was still in my universe while that was happening, i'm just paraphrasing what ink told me.

and then they just suddenly cut back. they stopped doing all of that.

ink expected this, obviously. he knew how their script goes. (of course he cant TELL me what happens in his script. he can only drop hints and even then he tries not to, to play it safe)

what i do know is that the balance between negativity and positivity is Very much out of wack. what i don't know is what the consequence of that is. yet.

I'm gonna go on a limb and say it's nothing good and buckle up for the ride.

wow it sure sucks knowing something bad is gonna happen and being powerless to stop it. how the hell does ink do it.

side note: ive been calling them the "guardian of negativity" but i don't actually know what that entails. same with dream's title as "guardian of positivity". honestly i don't think either of them know either.

i guess dream's positive all the time, like he can't even feel negative emotions

oh my god im stupid. he literally can't, can he?

then that would mean nightmare cant feel positive emotions. that's. wow. huh.

shit. well, i'm gonna have a chat with dream. or ink, if he doesn't want to talk.

[the-raging-tempest]

gay posts can’t be deleted. bring back that post about their HOMOSEXUAL attraction SPEAK ON IT 🗣️

Anon… I’ve been sitting on this. Sometimes I think I snipe a post fast enough and yet. Here we are. I deleted it because I was trying to put it in more elegant words. Not that I was trying to hide it LMAO I always worry about being misunderstood. Perhaps too much if I’m being honest. That and I included my own feelings and experience. Which always makes me self conscious. But thank you I’ll do my best! Anyway here we go.

Boy oh boy we are getting into the weeds. Let’s talk about some sexuality. Also brief talk of sexual trauma here so read with caution. Zrise in particular gets messy.

In the spirit of oc’s being queer. Shout to Min @another-heroine for this lovely piece. For some Lariel being gay. And Dujour @dujour13 for this wonderful gift. For some Zrise being gay. Both from OC kiss week back in February 💕

I think I’ve said this before, but in my mind Zrise is hit with the bisexual awakening early. Lariel much later in her life.

In my mind Zrise had much less expectations to carry on his name and family through marriage. (As he can’t have children biologically due to the curse) So he had to find some other ways to be ‘useful’ Vs Lariel was basically used as a pawn in her arranged marriage.

What I mean by this, is for Lariel there is a lot of comphet going on. That and she is a very sexually repressed character. She denies that part of herself out of fear and shame. But also because she doesn’t want to be like her family. She has to find someone she feels safe and comfortable with. She’s easily flustered by anyone she’s attracted too.

Zrise doesn’t really have to worry about making the same mistakes his mother did. OR at least not THAT mistake in particular. (Unwanted Children) He is not currently the type to yearn for children or marriage really. So he finds it to be a freeing notion.

Lariel’s grandfather really emphasized her sorcerer bloodline and how she might be ‘useful’ in marriage to a cis man and having children. The fact that she was engaged to a man was not the main issue it was that he just didn’t care about her.

Basically what I’m trying to say is a lot of BOTH of their attraction is tied up in their relationship with how their family treated them.

Zrise got to realizing he didn’t have to ‘marry’ a woman very young. He’s currently not one for really liking the idea of marriage but as a child he wanted to get married. He and Lariel spent a lot of the time reading the same books and things. So up until his drowning he was quite a ball of sunshine and optimism.

Zrise also got out in the world and experienced a lot more than Lariel. At the half elf equivalent of 16 he was basically sent off to Calistrian boarding school in Galt. Where he got to experiment and express himself a lot more. His first real crush/love/attraction being on Oria who was non-binary.

Zrise’s attraction to femme vs masc is… interesting to me. He is actually fearful of men who seem like they can overpower or hurt him. He finds he is not attracted to men who have certain tendencies that are hard to put into words. Anyone that reminds him of his time with Relik or at the Golden Palace or of himself.

Woman and non-binary individuals he is less default afraid of. He knows they can and probably will hurt him. He actually is more into femmes who make him feel powerless. Masc it’s the opposite. But this is just strange logic from him. Because he does have a lot of trauma from femmes as well.

I think it stems from the fact of WHEN it happened to him. Deeply ingrained into his psyche as a child vs happened to him as he was more aware and ‘in control’. Something he feels he ‘deserves’ vs Something he resents and was ‘made to sufffer’. It’s difficult to describe.

Lariel. Is more directly trauma free in that regard. She has no sexual experience and her knowledge comes from what books she has tried to read. (But she gets embarrassed easily) Her trauma is more tied with comphet and misogyny.

For Lariel her attraction to femmes would be a surprise to her. It would be a slow slide from ‘well of course she’s beautiful’ to ‘of course I want to hold her hand’ to imagining getting a kiss and becoming a mess. Then slowly it would dawn on her that she feels more than friendship for this person. And as always she… gets embarrassed

I think her taste in femmes is actually less specific than her taste in masc people but it just flies under the radar for much much longer. HAHA.

Sorry I went on this long ass ramble. Hope this makes any sense. 💕

[pyrondeeznutz]

Clockwork Headcanons

PT.01

Natalie Ouellettes past, upbringing, pre-murder headcanons.

CW: mentions of sexual abuse (I go into light detail about the abuse and the abusers mindset), domestic violence, gore, trauma, human experimentation

<NOTE> Same thing as the Ticci Toby headcanons, its a bit of a rewrite and I tried to keep the story realistic. Its not proofread so ignore typos and grammatical errors. Also again as a major warning, I went into some detail about Clockworks sexual trauma with her brother as I feel it does play a major part to her character and the reason why she developed the way she did. I have trigger warnings on the parts so you can skip it. Its very long because I have a lot of thoughts about her character. Enjoy 🔥

BIOGRAPHY .

PATIENT NAME: Natalie Ouellette

BIRTHDATE: November 6th, 1996

AGE: Currently 18 years old

HC/EC: Brown hair, green eyes

ETHNICITY: White Canadian

BIRTHPLACE: Windsor, Ontario

FAMILY: Mary-Beth Ouellette (mother), David Ouellette (father), Lucas Ouellette (brother)

DIAGNOSIS: Major Depressive Disorder, Generalized Anxiety Disorder, suspected/untreated Complex Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (C-PTSD)

PIGTAILS .

Natalie grew up in a small trailer park. Her family was dirt broke, her father would blow all their money on booze and gambling

The financial situation in her household contributed significantly to her parents stress and fighting. Rarely was there ever a moment of peace

She would often make careless mistakes as any young child would like wetting the bed, drawing on walls, accidentally breaking things

And every time she made a mistake, she wasn’t simply taught how to do better, she was berated and ruthlessly beat by her father

Her childhood was unstable, to say the least. Natalies parents were more like enemies than they were caregivers.

She spent her peak developmental years being severely neglected and made to feel small and powerless.

At home she would spend her time alone in her room to hide away from the fighting between her parents or the random rants her drunken father would go on

She would get into the habit of running away just to spend some quiet time at the park by her house, anything to escape the chaos of her everyday life

At such a young age she didn’t know why she was so angry at the world. And at such a young age she would act out for attention and struggle with morals, empathy and societal norms as a result of never being taught any better

Her and her brother were severely emotionally neglected and grew up very poor, barely having food to eat or clean clothes to wear. This resulted to her being ostracized from her peers early on

DADDYS GIRL .

David Ouellette was a lazy, drunk, mean old man. He spent his life as a bully and would pick on anyone who challenged his authority, even his own children

He wasn’t afraid to use fear and violence to make his family obey. The man didn’t care who he hurt as long as he got his way

And this man regretted having children every single day of his life. He viewed them as burdens, a curse, and something he wasted his life on.

This included Natalie, who developed oppositional behavioural issues early on in defiance to her fathers abuse

Natalie had a mouth on her. She would talk back, make sarcastic or snarky remarks, boss other kids around. She would fight tooth and nail against her father for a sliver of power in her otherwise powerless life

And David hated being talked down to by a cocky brat like her. So over the years David would repeatedly beat his daughter into shape by grabbing her, hitting her with objects, slapping her, pushing and any other means to his ends of regaining control

Despite this strained relationship where the two would constantly fight for power, Natalie was a daddys girl. They developed a strange, twisted understanding in each other

David worked as a local trucker, but he ran a side hustle of repairing clocks. The man was a piece of shit and honestly a bit dumb when it came to booksmarts but he was good with his hands and a tinkerer

Her father was a classic trailer trash hick. He loved and owned guns, and would sometimes take his children out hunting. The only praise and a semblance of affection Natalie would receive from her father was when she was taking the life of another living being

MOMMY ISSUES .

Natalies mother was an unstable woman. She was very passive-aggressive and unpredictable in her parenting going from caring to cold in an instant

She was very controlling over her children, often resorting to berating and insulting Natalie to get her to act how she wanted

Mary-Beth spent her life chasing the teenage dream she never got when she was younger, and tried to project through her daughter

When she was a young child, Natalie learned quickly that her mother didn’t care about anybody but herself. Mary-Beth was a bitter woman, always playing the victim, and would die before ever admitting she was wrong

Even though her relationship with her father was bad, the girls relationship with her mother was worse. Davids abuse was in response to his children acting out of line, meanwhile her mother was unnecessarily critical, argumentative, and emotional

On multiple occasions her mother would leave the house in a dramatic fit as if she desired to be chased after. The woman would act out like a child and expect everyone to cater to her

And Natalie was never good enough for Mary-Beth. She wasn’t polite enough, smart enough, skinny enough. There was absolutely no pleasing her mother.

BLOOD BROTHER . (TW SEXUAL ABUSE MENTS)

The only person Natalie relied on in her life was her brother, Lucas. He was 4 and a half years older than her but it was that sort of quiet understanding between two children in such a hostile household

Despite their arguments and lack of true bond, the young girl felt safe with her older brother and always tried to impress him. All she wanted was the approval of some dominant figure in her life, and she certainly wasn’t getting it from her parents

Lucas was a strange boy. He was the anxious type who harboured a lot of internalized anger, especially towards his mother.

He was an outcast at school and similarly to his sister, he felt powerless in his life. The boy picked up on his mothers passive-aggressive traits and his fathers entitlement

As he grew and developed, so did his hunger for control and power. He wanted to degrade, assault, and dominate something in his life to make up for the lack of confidence

When Natalie was 9 years old, Lucas would begin to sexually abuse her.

The one person in her life that understood and felt the same pain she did turned on her. She was scared, ashamed, confused.

Repeatedly Lucas would approach his sister and assault her in various ways with little to no regard of the consequences or moral implications. He was desperate and even though it hurt her, it felt good to him.

BETRAYAL . (TW SEXUAL ABUSE MENTS)

Natalie was too young to even know what was happening to her, all she knew was that it felt bad and she felt violated. She knew something was wrong.

Soon enough, the girl felt she had no choice but to confide in her peers. One day at recess she approached a girl named Mia and her friends, a group of girls Natalie wasn’t really friends with but was acquainted enough to talk to

And from there she told them everything as best as she could, even if she got choked up and didn’t make much sense. The girl barely even made sense of it herself.

It felt lighter to get it off her chest, maybe if she could gain the courage to tell her parents the abuse would stop. Maybe everything was going to work out.

But the next day Natalie woke up to messages on sites like Facebook and MySpace. Degrading comments about her being an incest freak, a whore, gross, disgusting, weird, used. Who does that with their brother?

The bullying and degradation from her peers who now saw her as a disgusting weirdo would follow her up until high school

And for four years she would come home from school and be abused in the worst, most violating way by her own kin. And for four years she kept everything inside of her. She just kept quiet and didn’t dare to tell a soul ever again.

Eventually, she gained the courage to tell Lucas no, and firmly reject his advances. After that she was finally free, as much as a girl drowning in her own household could be.

DEAD GIRL .

In high school, Natalie did well for herself. Her grades were good, she calmed down a ton, and she didn’t bother making close friends but she got herself a boyfriend named Chris

Chris was a nice boy, but he came from a good, well-off family. He wasn’t the type to even begin to understand the things Natalie thought or had been through.

Throughout the years, Natalie had grown fond of things of the morbid nature. She would find herself drawing gorey images depicting murder, weapons, decomposing corpses, and other unsettling themes

This wouldn’t have been as bad if it wasn’t tied to the girl who was drawing it. Most people saw Natalie as a weird, disturbed girl and it was rather uncomfortable to watch a girl like her draw all these macabre things

On the outside she was quiet and asocial with a bit of an attitude. She was snarky and rough around the edges, but all she wanted for herself was to get a proper education and have a good life for herself. All she wanted was the kind of family Chris had

Deeper inside of her, Natalie was a very angry girl who hated the world. She hated her family, her life, she resented people who had it better than her.

There was so much bubbling inside that she just pushed down. She was never going to let herself crumble. She was never going to be weak.

This reflected negatively on her life which led to the girl growing into her behavioural issues. Natalie would talk back to authority figures in her life and god forbid anyone try to tell her what to do. She was rebellious to a fault

Her sleep schedule was barely existent as she would find herself staying up until the sunrise to finish assignments, scroll through the internet, or binge watch horror movies regularly

And this lack of sleep only contributed to her horrible attitude. The girl would get into fights at home, storm out, get into fights with her peers or her boyfriend, and go back home to start all over again

TIME .

Natalie had a strange relationship with the concept of time. It always seemed to be against her.

A part of her feared how little time she felt she had. It was like a race against the inevitable, it was going to catch up to her eventually. She couldn’t outrun time itself

It wasn’t long until there was something of obsession with the topic in Natalies life. Even clocks on the wall drove her insane

She felt as though she was stuck in a time loop of living the same day over and over. Different day on the calendar, but same life

Even her fathers clocks that littered her dirty, small, mobile home mocked her. Laughing at how powerless she was

The one thing in her life she truly could never control was the vicious cycle of living through her miserable days again and again

Wake up at 6am, school at 8am, go back home to the abuse at 4pm, fall asleep at 3am

Every. Single. Day.

Natalie hated her life more than anything. She wanted out more than anything. But she wasn’t going to be so weak as to self-harm or commit suicide. She was strong enough to take control

She just kept trying to be in control of something that couldn’t be controlled

STITCHES .

One day after school, Natalies boyfriend broke up with her.

She should’ve expected it, but she didn’t.

Chris was always nice to her, he really did try his best. But he just couldn’t even begin to understand her, and she couldn’t even begin to explain.

He told her that her outbursts were too much for him. She would snap at him and cause fights for such small reasons, everything set her off. And when he tried to talk it through with her, she’d shut down on him

Natalie never told him about the abuse, the trauma, or any of her struggles. She was drowning and never trusted a single hand reaching out to help

Chris made comments towards her art and mindset, saying it creeped him out and that she needed to seek professional help

Of course he didn’t understand. Nobody understood Natalie. The whole wide world was against her

And now the one person she actually liked and could see herself caring for turned on her and left her just like everyone else in her life

And another good thing in her life was lost to the hands of time

BORDERLINE .

For such a strong girl like Natalie, a stupid high school breakup shouldn’t have meant as much as it did

It shouldn’t have ruined her

But it did, and she was a mess

All she could think about was how much she lost. She was so desperate for control she completely lost it

And now her moods were at an all time low, her impulsivity skyrocketed and so did her anger

How fucking dare he do that to her

Natalie would start acting out, getting into fights with her parents, and her grades began to drop. Her entire life was slipping away through the cracks in between her fingers and there was nothing she could do but watch it crumble underneath her feet

It was like watching a car accident. You could see the girl spiral, you could see her crash and burn, but there was nothing you could do but sit back and watch

She didn’t care one bit. After so long of trying so hard to run from it all, she finally had nothing left to lose

So she picked up a few bad habits here and there. She would fight girls behind the school and buy cigarettes off of sketchy junkies with her parents money

Natalie started to speak up more and everything that came out of that girls mouth was trashy. She would make offensive comments and pick on people for being “so damn sensitive”

In reality, she just wanted to be seen. She wanted someone to catch her from falling so far deep into destruction and give her the attention and support she never had

But everyone found her annoying or just something to laugh at. Natalie wasn’t enjoyable to be around in the slightest

She started stealing booze from her parents and going off and getting drunk at the park near her house. The girl quickly developed a drinking problem that worsened her attitude even more

Natalie started crossing lines that shouldn’t have been crossed, and started to gain the dangerous knowledge that she could do all these awful things and the world wouldn’t come to an end

She was on top. She was powerful. And nobody was going to fuck with her again

INFIRMARY .

One night she got into a physical fight with her brother, things were broken, fists were thrown, insults were tossed back and forth

The fight had gone too far and she ended up injuring her left eye so badly she had to be taken to the emergency room

Nobody stayed by Natalies side in that hospital. She had to undergo surgery in order to remove the eye due to the damage. And neither her parents nor her brother cared enough to stay

Now around this time, the government was developed a chemical weapon known as “Liquid Hate” or “methcyclopyroxene oxydenate” if we’re going to get scientific

And if you know anything about the government, they just love to run illegal human experimentation programs on unassuming people who really wouldn’t be looked for if they went missing or worse

Natalie fell victim to a testing of an early prototype of liquid hate. During her surgery she was tied down and injected a small dosage of this chemical

Soon, she woke up and felt a jolt of adrenaline stronger than anything she’d ever felt before. It felt like her body was so hot she was going to explode, she felt jittery and like a surge of overwhelming energy soared through every cell that made up her being

And she felt so consumed by rage

Her anger was righteous and she was wielding it like an archangels sword. It was something so biblically primal when she escaped her restraints and ripped the nearest doctor apart with her own two hands

This quick blinding rush subdued slightly and she came to her senses as she caught her breath and bolted right out of the hospital in fear and out into the rainy night

The effects weren’t exactly as blinding as before but god knows they were still overtaking her senses. And when she walked down the street in that gentle, cold, rain only one thought was on her mind

Where the fuck was her family when she needed them the most?

TICK TOCK .

Now here was this angry, drugged up girl standing outside the dark house where she spent years of abuse and torment

And the blood on her hands was dripping like sin

When her mother answered the front door and saw the monster her own daughter had become, there was a part in the woman that felt as though she was looking at what she could’ve become

And like smashing a mirror, Natalie took the life of her own mother. She strangled her, brutally stabbed her with a kitchen knife and ripped open her ribcage with feral strength

As Natalie taunted the one who carried her for 9 months and brought her into the sick and cruel world she inhabited, she felt the rabid words fall off her mouth as if they had been begging to escape for years

Next was her father, who had slept through the death of his wife in a drunken slumber. The house stunk of alcohol - such a familiar smell. It made her sick to her stomach.

She snuck into her parents bedroom and took a handgun out of the bedstand drawer, shoving the barrel of the gun in her fathers booze-coated mouth and watched the fear filled his eyes as he woke up. Her finger teased the trigger as she whispered a quiet “your time is up, daddy” and blew his brains out onto the wall

This was another line Natalie crossed, another realization of her own capabilities only enhanced by the chemically induced beast-like rage. Nothing was stopping her. This was her divine right, she was in control now

And finally, she moved onto her brother who was alerted by the sound of a gunshot and walked in on his sister standing over their fathers dead corpse, blood staining her hands and soaking her white hospital gown

Lucas, like his sister, was a quiet boy who kept to himself for the most part. But like his sister, he had so much anger boiling inside of him and he was a fighter

And so the two fought once more, Lucas physically overpowered his sister for just a moment before something inside of her broke like a dam and the flood came crashing through

Natalie gained the upper hand as the fight was brought into Lucas’s bedroom, the place where her brother would abuse her for years

The overwhelming pain of the memories flooding in threw Natalie into a panicked fit as she threw her brother to the ground, ignoring his screams and berating

She climbed on top of him and incapacitated him by stabbing him several times in the abdomen, throat, and face. The girl finished her brother off by gutting him and spent her time mutilating his body like an animalistic rampage

Everything she had been bottling up finally exploded out of her and the girl showed no mercy that night

EMBERS .

Natalie stood in the bathroom, staring at herself in the mirror

She looked at the gaping hole where her left eye once was for what felt like eternity

Time came to a complete stop in that moment, it was all in the bloody palm of her hands

The only sound that filled the room was the viscous sound of her fathers pocket watch ticking softly as it rested on the messy bathroom counter

For nearly an hour she stood there heavily dissociated, zoning out of reality as she did nothing but stare at the hands of the clock moving rhythmically

Natalie soon snapped out of her dazed trance and slowly moved her dark crimson stained hand over to the pocket watch

And slowly she look a deep breath in as she brutally shoved the small clock into her empty eye socket, zoning out from the sharp pain of her body reacting to the foreign object

Now time was apart of her, and she was time itself. The girl became what she feared the most and broke the cycle she lives through over and over with her own two hands. She was no longer going to be a victim to the hands of time, she was now going to be the destroyer of it

As she exited the cold bathroom, she walked down the hallway of her small home she spent so much time in. There was no more yelling from her father, comments from her mother, fear from her brother

Natalie was all that was left

The girl entered her bedroom for the last time, changed into regular clothes and grabbed her stuffed giraffe shes had since she was a young child, named Jaffy

Jaffy had been with her through it all. She found comfort in the little giraffe, and it was the last piece of herself she had left

She walked into the kitchen with the stuffed animal and turned her gas-stove on max before laying a gentle kiss on Jaffys head and placing it onto the stovetop

Not once did she look back to the fire overtaking the giraffe as she walked out of that house, letting it become victim to the flames that would soon engulf the home

Natalie Ouellette died in that house, burning to death alongside her family in the fire

And only Clockwork walked out

[raayllum]

not sure if you've been asked this before, but do you think callum will do dark magic a third time or more? do you think his arc is in any way building towards him coming to terms with it as a concept or will he continue to reject it on principle?

I've talked a little bit about S6 specific predictions and I do think there will be something along the lines of Callum reconciling his dark magic use with his identity (aka that those things don't have to be opposing, as long as those aspects feel/become understood to him) but...

I think the tricky thing is that there's a lot of elements at play all wrapped up in each other. A few things to get out of the way:

Dark magic has two main purposes in the story. The first is as a literal magic source (practical, usable, more unlimited in comparison to primal magic in some ways). The second is what it represents theme wise (desperation, short term power and agency vs long term lack of agency and subsequent powerlessness, destruction and vulnerability).

For most of his life, all Viren saw was the short term power and gain. Obviously we know he did something awful to save Soren, but we don't get the indication that sort of thing happened... More? We see from Claudia that there's lots of casual uses for dark magic and that Viren likely did so as well (needing to use his butterflies on a semi-regular basis for spells off screen). The next time we see a "dark magic to save a personal loved one" is the soul switching gimmick for Harrow, which is part of why Harrow, I think, shows up in Viren's dreams:

But as Viren says, going to sacrifice himself for King Harrow is his attempts at returning to form, to "I need to be the man he once believed I was." A Viren who was more selfless if not also as idealistic as a dark mage can be. Because in the years since healing Soren, Viren steadily lost himself and lost sight of protecting his children ("You're going to be okay now, that's all that matters" / "But Dad, Soren could've died!" "That doesn't matter!"). That's not to say he was morally irrefutable before, but he genuinely cared for his children and prioritized them. Finding his way back in S5 is what his journey is all, ultimately, about. Coining Kpp'Ar and getting his job ("His death creates opportunity for you") was the inciting incident - seemingly? arguably? - that set him on the "I always knew you'd go far, but I didn't know how far you'd go to get there. [...] You made the same choice you always made: the one that gives you power." Because power, not family, is what poisoned Viren's head — and why only by removing it does it have clarity; only by choosing powerlessness does he have freedom from Aaravos (at least in theory).

V: My whole life I've been chasing after things I didn't have. Status, influence, power. Maybe I should stop.

While Viren rejecting dark magic is ultimately a good for him, I do wonder what he would've done if faced with "kill Sir Sparklepuff to spare Claudia's life" > "kill Sir Sparklepuff to save yourself". He may have indeed made the same choice, now being more cognizant and also fearful of the bloodprice Harrow had spoken of, how dark magic always tends to inevitably have Consequences no matter how delayed, but it definitely would've been a different sort of choice.

With that in mind, I say all this to outline that Callum is starting from a fundamentally different place with dark magic and his loved ones. Like Viren he has pride, but Callum overall has very little ego. He doesn't crave notions of status (if anything he's typically uncomfortable with it) nor is just 'power' a desire for him. If he desires power, if he desires magic, then he does so out of a desire of agency, not self-importance or recognition. Callum doesn't want to be admired in an attempt to feedback-loop prove that he subsequently has worth. He wants to be tangibly useful; he wants to helpful.

One of the confines/constraints of the way arc 2 is structured is that we don't get much of Callum's feelings about dark magic use pre-the reveal it allows Aaravos to possess him. While he rejects it and mandates that it's wrong in S2, of course, he is still tempted by it and the potential 'good' it could do. He rejects being a Dark Mage™️ and refuses to have that as his primary form of magic > primal magic, but — as I've said before — that's different than ever rejecting doing dark magic ever again. That's different than swearing off this would ever be an option you turn to. I

A life with no dark magic is undeniably Callum's canonical preference, as far as usage and existence goes. That's clear to surmise even post-S2. But still, as soon as he used it, I always figured that if put into that kind of situation again — Ezran or Rayla's life on the line, and this was the only way to keep them safe — he'd do it. And then he does (5x08).

However, 5x08 does add important context to Callum's feelings about dark magic. Although I think he probably would've said everything he said to Finnegrin in 5x08 even without the possession bomb ("I'm not a dark mage. I don't do dark magic!" and his refusal even under torture), it's undeniable that learning his dark magic use allows Aaravos to possess him has rattled him. It's not clear how much of his staunch aversion is because now he knows the full consequences, compared to how he might behave if he didn't know it leaves him open to Aaravos, but I think the knowledge here, accordingly, is a burden and just makes all of it worse for him.

In 2x07, Callum didn't know the full potential consequences of his actions, if in fearful imagination and nothing else. But because of 4x04, he does:

C: I'm not afraid that he'll hurt me. I'm afraid that he'll use me to do awful things, or hurt people I care about. [...] I'm afraid, Rayla. What if I'm on a path of darkness?

(We'll return to the "path of darkness" concern in a moment, but pin in it for now.)

The tricky thing, though, is that if you have a character say they'll Never do something, and then they do it (and for a good reason), it's very hard to convince the audience that they'll really never do it again. There are ways to — Rayla said she'd never abandon or kill for her family (Bloodmoon Huntress), then she did abandon Callum (for an understandable but not a good reason, though, I might add), and now we're working on being convinced (painstakingly slowly) that she can learn how to stay — and this could be the route they take with Callum. But unlike Viren, I don't think Callum has as much of a lesson to learn surrounding dark magic because he's always used it for genuinely good reasons and with full awareness of his actions. He doesn't lie to himself over it (he doesn't have Viren's greater good schtick nor interest in it) and it was in literal life-or-death situations.

Viren needed to change because his dark magic use escalated in the de-prioritization of his kingdom but — more importantly to his interpersonal development — his immediate relationships and family bonds. Thus far, Callum's shown no hint of that, and I'm not sure that he will, given that interpersonal relationships — not glory or the greater good — are his primary motivations in all things, usually, but especially when it comes to dark magic.

Therefore, I don't think Callum's issue (as it stands now; S6 could make him start to go on a Viren "I can sacrifice my loved ones path by proxy of paranoia") is as much "I have to reject dark magic and subsequently de-prioritize my personal relationships" because... Him loving less is not the solution, to me. He should be prioritizing his personal relationships. Even, unfortunately, to these current extremes.

When Callum states he's scared that he's on a path of darkness in 4x07, it is a little odd, mostly because at that point there's not much to indicate — at least not as much interpersonally (because as an audience member I was screaming crying throwing up) with the knowledge we had at the time — as to why. He was obsessed with the mirror and Soren warned him not to be like his dad ("My father was obsessed with it. Callum, I know you love magic, but be careful. Cause it can change people") over it, but his primary concern seems to be from what Aaravos has told him: "Already tainted by darkness, and destined to play right into my hands." Those are all external forces/warnings, and they worry him. S5, specifically 5x08 I think, is when we see the big internal shift there.

But I do think the "What if I'm on a path of darkness" and his doubt when Rayla reaffirms otherwise is important, because it plays into his tendency to tunnel vision. He's afraid of the dark because in that moment, and in some ways in 5x08, it feels like it's all he can see.

With that in mind, I think Callum's arc will maybe not be a Relinquishing of dark magic entirely, but dismantling the systems/circumstances in place (through acquirement of more primal magic) so that he has less need of it, and a reminder that he Also has Light inside him, too. Dark and light reconciled — for worse and for better.

[coraniaid]

It’s not until Season 3’s Helpless that the Buffy writers really started to lean into the idea that Giles is a father figure to Buffy.  After Season 3, it comes up a lot, sure.  It becomes a key part of his character.  But it’s something of a retcon.  It’s not exactly the role Giles plays early in the show.

(Yes, it’s possible to cast Giles as the parental figure of the Scoobies much earlier than that, and fandom often does.  But I’ve never been entirely comfortable with that reading. 

If nothing else, the first three seasons of Buffy the Vampire Slayer take place in a high school.  It feels weirdly reductive to assume the only possible way an adult in this setting can interact positively with children is by acting as a parent.  And early series Giles is not a parent.  He’s a mentor.  He’s a teacher.)

Partly that’s because, until Season 3, Buffy already has a father.  Hank Summers doesn’t appear much, but when he does (in Season 1’s Nightmares and the Season 2 opener When She Was Bad) he seems cast in much the same mold as Buffy’s mom Joyce.  He seems to be nothing more than a well-meaning parent who just doesn’t understand his daughter.  Yes, we see in Nightmares that Buffy is worried that he might secretly resent her and not want to be around her – fears that, retroactively, will turn out to be true – but in that first episode those fears tell us much more about Buffy Summers than they do her father.

But Helpless sets up the comparison with Giles pretty directly, by firmly establishing Hank as a bad parent.  Hank is meant to come and visit his daughter on her birthday, only to cancel his plans at the last minute.  He does so because, as Joyce says, “his quarterly projections are unraveling and he can’t afford to take off right now”.  He chooses his job over his daughter.  Meanwhile Giles is meant to do his duty as a Watcher and send Buffy off powerless to fight a vampire as part of the Cruciamentum, even though this is likely to lead to her death.  He doesn’t go along with it.  He choose his daughter over his job.

And yet.

Well, I lied.  That isn’t actually what happens in Helpless.  Not exactly.

Giles does not choose his surrogate daughter over his job.  Not consciously, anyway.  He doesn’t refuse to drug her.  To drug her repeatedly, even when he sees the effect it’s having on her.  He doesn’t tell her about the Cruciamentum when she starts losing her powers. Even when he sees just how afraid she is.  He doesn’t do anything but privately moan to Quentin Travers until after the vampire Buffy’s meant to fight escapes.  

Then, yes, he tells Buffy about what’s happening.  Then he confesses to what he’s done.  But only because, as he tells Travers, “your perfectly controlled test seems to have spun rather impressively out of control”.  The implication, surely, is that if the vampire hadn’t escaped, if the test had proceeded as the Council had planned, then Giles would have kept his silence, however reluctantly.

And even then, even while telling Travers that he doesn’t “give a rat’s ass about the Council’s orders”, a part of Giles seems to think he can do this and not risk his status as a Watcher.  Rewatch the scene where Travers fires him.  Giles is surprised.  “On what grounds?” he asks, when Travers tells him he failed the test.  He doesn’t think he’s done anything a Watcher shouldn’t do.  He didn’t know that telling Buffy would cost him his job.  He never does make that choice.

And that’s part of why I always get slightly irritated by fandom readings that uncritically cast Giles as Buffy’s Dad. About people who even sometimes act as though he’s a better parental figure than Joyce Summers.  Because that’s just not supported by the text. 

Yes, Giles clearly cares deeply about Buffy, and has done since the first season (witness his own fears in Nightmares, or his attempt to take Buffy’s place in facing the Master in Prophecy Girl).  

He’s prepared to die for her, he’s prepared to kill for her. After being fired by the Council, when he's no longer her Watcher, Buffy's still clearly very important to him. Possibly the most important person in his life. 

But he’s not a perfect father figure and he repeatedly treats Buffy really badly, even before copying Hank’s “shiftless absentee father” routine in Season Six.  He lies to her, he hides things from her, he doesn’t trust her instincts. Even when she asks, he’s not prepared to take her to the Ice Capades.  He repeatedly tries to distance himself from her. He’s not prepared to actually be her father.   Even in Season Six's Life Serial, when Buffy offers him the role of substitute parent, he asks instead if there’s another part he can play: “is there some sort of, um, rakish uncle?”.

Yes, of course, Rupert Giles is a much more developed character than Joyce Summers – possibly the most developed character in the first three seasons of the show after Buffy herself.   And yes, the audience are clearly meant to sympathize with him more than they are with Joyce.  But I think it would be a mistake to think that this means the character of Buffy herself also feels this way.  Giles is part of the story of Buffy the Vampire Slayer in a way Joyce isn’t, but equally Joyce is a fundamental part of her daughter’s life in a way that Giles never is.  In a way he repeatedly turns down the chance to be.

(Just look at how often Buffy worries about her mother getting hurt or about having to do something that makes her mother disappointed in her. Think about how much Buffy's desire to be "normal" is tied up with Buffy wanting to be a daughter her mother would be proud of.  Look at how much she misses her after she dies; how afraid she is that she never knew how much she meant to her.  This is a constant part of Buffy’s characterisation, from the first season until the last.)

Giles is not the uncomplicated Good Dad that some of the fandom wants him to be.  He never has been.  He can’t possibly be that person, when his role in the narrative is to prepare Buffy for her destiny of dying young, alone in the dark, fighting monsters.  And that’s a smart writing choice! It’s what makes Giles a good, compelling character. 

The Giles that appears in the show is much more interesting to think about than the sanctified fandom reading which ignores or downplays his flaws.  And I just think people should talk about that version of the character more.