#I hate nearly everything about me

[sonofshu]

‎ ‎

[pjo-hoo-toa-freakazoid]

A lil rant about my experience with this god forsaken fandom

I made this blog around 2020 when I was 13 years old. This was my first shot at a dedicated fandom blog and I was pretty excited for it, to make friends, draw fanart, post fun stuff and what not.

All fun right? Right, so tell me why was it that literal 20 years olds felt the need to harass me, a then 13 year old girl with a relatively small blog, for the dumbest reasons possible?

What did I do that subjected me to 2 and a half years worth constant daily threats and harassment? Hmm???

You wanna know my crime? Apparently I showed interest in an antagonist character, which is so awful that grown adults felt the need to bully me. And following those adults came young impressionable people my age, that joined the bandwagon of hate against me.

As if other fandoms don’t have people literally dedicating themselves to a villain, no one bats an eye to that. Why did this fandom have such an issue? I also apparently dared to criticise the main character for a few of his flaws. Such a horrible thing to do right? I need to be burnt at the stake for it right?

I didn’t follow the “fixed” standards of the fandom so I was to be sent de*th/r*pe threats daily?? For not following the “rules” I was to be ostracised?

No please someone explain…I’m but a dumb bitch, I don’t understand what I did so terribly wrong to deserve this? Did I start a war? Did I rip open someone’s plush? Did I bully someone for not having the same ideology as me?

No it was but the fandom itself that for some reason found it so fun to bully a 13 year old, send her de*th and r*pe threats all because of not being of pjo fandom standards…let’s go and bombard her with hate!!

Do you realise how fucking stupid…this all sounds? Do you realise how low this is? Was bullying a child so fun? So trendy at the time?

Then came the victim blaming- I laugh everytime I remember people saying I must have done something really bad to get such harassment, that it’s all for attention. What kid wants to get hate everyday of their life for 2 whole fucking years? Tell me?

You know wanna know what I did wrong? Fight back, call the hate anons out for their bigotry. I was vocal about it, that’s what I did wrong right? Stand my ground? People said to ignore it and I did. But I still got bullied daily even if I didn’t respond. What was all this for?

I can imagine people asking why I didn’t simply leave the fandom? Why the fuck should I? I enjoy the stories, I enjoy the characters, they were my escape from real life struggles. It was the bullying I didn’t enjoy. Everyday I’d log on to enjoy posts and a few minutes later when the bigots found out I was active I was sent an anonymous threat.

Many of my oldest friends had to reduce the amount they interacted with me in fear of receiving harassment themselves. The extent of this is bigotry is beyond my understanding.

I did not deserve this much suffering AND ALL FOR WHAT? A STUPID LITTLE REASON THAT HAS BARELY ANY WEIGHT TO IT. Do people even realise the extent of what happened is beyond me. And Idc if I sound selfish, I want a fucking apology from all those bigots. I want compensation for the 2 and a half years of abuse I endured alone. I just want this bigotry to end, which surprise surprise! Still continues to happen.

Why do I bring this up now that it’s all over you ask? I’ve actually brought it up once before, but it was swept under the rug, (My deepest appreciation to the very few people who supported me when I first talked about it) I’m just finally being more vocal, because this has stuck with me. For all those 4 years this has stuck with me. It doesn’t mean if it’s over for now that all the trauma doesn’t linger. It still affects me to this day.

In fact I’m still being stalked by one of the people who sent me hate anons. One of the hate anons was revealed to be one of my bestest friends, they had admitted this to me and had the nerve to beg me to still remain friends. They were also the person who groomed me. They have left the fandom scene and I’ve rid of them from my life but they still continue to stalk me.

What do I get from ranting about all this? A bit of solace, a bit of weight off my shoulders. But nearly not enough for me to actually fucking heal. I also want people to realise how bigoted some are and how horrible the mentality of “fixed fandom standards/ideologies” is and that we as a fandom need to fucking change. Heck I know this issues in every fandom. But can we at least start with ours for a change for once?

Along side all of this there’s also a lot of racism and trans/homophobia that still actively prevails. Just look at what Leah went through when her casting was announced. Did she deserve all of that?? “Not my annabeth” do you realise how horrible that is to say to a CHILD? She is Annabeth whether you like it or not. And you are very welcome to leave if you wish to stick to your stupid racist nonsense.

I bet there are many others who have probably suffered the same may it not be for the same reasons, but everyone of them deserve their apologies and compensation as well.

Idc if I’ll get hate for this. I said what I said. I’m just so done.

[francy-sketches]

I'm gonna have to work on my final project non stop for like a month straight bc I procrastinated on it too much fuck my stupid baka life

[wayfinderships]

I hate S.anji so much (Has literally had S.anji as an f/o for years)

[lesbiansanemi]

I am so fucking sick of living with my roommate and his fuck ass boyfriend. Also watching my roommate burn every single one of his (already rather minimal, I might add) bridges for this guy is also kind of painful but also his relationship with me is one of said bridges so I'm almost past the point of even feeling bad for him lmao

[derpinette]

i have a weird relationship with weight because i hated eating more than anything the moment i was ready for solids ( i hate chewing with my entire life always have & will ) which made me underweight for most of my life ( to this day ) & during late primary-middle school this made me actively suicidal because i felt like something was wrong with my sex because i just was not developing whatsoever prompting me to have a years long phase of trying to gain weight in any way i could ( #EPICFAIL by the way ) & i was already insecure but i felt seriously so unforgivably ugly after bullying not just at school but by adults of my entourage. but then i did in my late 15s which prompted the pendulum to swing in the other direction & suddenly i FREAKED OUT & thought well being skinny is pretty much all i have & know myself to be & clearly it is not going to last forever so i Better preserve it i was delusional about how skinny i thought i was actually i look stumpy & weird i have to prove myself. But now i am normal again kind of

[conderkyl]

New hair who dis

[gatespride]

( very random, but i will literally always be bitter about how larian studios swept my boy under the rug. never played early access, but it does sound like they took away so much of his story and his personality. like, don't get me wrong. i love him with all my heart. but to get to know him/play his romance path does feel like something's missing. not like it is with gale for example. and to read that wyll used to me morally grey in early access and that larian changed it, cause people didn't think he was likable is so fucking wild to me. why are astarion, shadowheart and lae'zel allowed to be mean, but wyll wasn't? i don't know much about lae's and shadowheart's bad endings yet, but astarion gets a straight up bad ending in which he's an absolute jackass and no one bats an eye. that's just wild to me. and a bit sus as well, given the fact that the only black character in the party was not allowed to be morally grey, cause it makes him unlikable, but now that he's a through and through good boy, people still call him unlikable, cause he's boring. hypocritical, my dudes. )

like, to read that wyll used to be a noble kid who started stealing things for fun and was sent to the flaming fist as a punishment of his father??? just when you think their relationship couldn't be more fucked up. and fucking goblins calling him "captain failure" cause he wasn't even a good soldier until he left the flaming fist and became a warlock. just wow. the fact that he'd torture someone to get revenge, but would still die to defend the tieflings?? or him having a sexual relationship with mizora, using the power she gives him to become powerful and famous. how could anybody look at all these things and be like: "nah, don't want them." i'm sorry, but that's just wild to me. i would have loved to be able to influence his ending more like you get to do with astarion, shadowheart, gale or lae'zel. but it's all gone. 🥲

[seventh-district]

i’m not like other girls, my “Rest” stats are a heart rate of 110bpm and a HRV of 14 fucking milliseconds. :)

[ectoplasmer]

finally mostly caught up with tbhk manga i’m fin e (violently shaking in place)

[suncaptor]

I already feel like I have so many btvs opinions that no one would want.

[twiyke]

don't wanna post about it too much because i'm kind of detached from everything and i don't wanna overload anyone with negativity but GAAHHH THE DTEAM PISSES ME OFF SO MUCH

[fishthegenderwitch]

It is fully 10 degrees hotter (if not more) inside than outside right now. I walked back indoors from taking my dog for a walk, and it felt like getting slapped with hot wet pizza dough. 

I feel S T I C K Y

[everymlmhybrid]

This is awesome just remembered I get to write the frottage scene soon assuming I actually write more than 4 words this week.

[quantum-carrie]

Could you tell us more about your two "modes"?

My... my what? I'm sorry, I don't know what you mean...

~

//so. here's the thing. carrie doesn't actually... know about all that? i'm still working on finding a way to incorporate it into the story (there would have to be a provoking incident that leads to her switching "modes," and i would have to talk to whoever she goes after especially if she does end up hurting them, so a lot of planning that i'm not sure how to do. also i don't really know how violence works in this rp), but since she doesn't remember what she does in "mode two"- at least not clearly- and nothing major has happened yet, she doesn't know anything about it.

however. as someone who is hyperfixating on carrie media in general and incredibly attached to this specific version of her, I'd be happy to explain more! this is also helpful for me, because i haven't actually figured out the details of much of this yet.

first of all! the reason i always put the "modes" in quotation marks is that that isn't really the most accurate description of it. it's not two entirely separate and distinct states of being (though there is a degree of separation that i'm trying to figure out), it's more like... the best way i can think to describe it right now is a cross between a panic attack and a werewolf transformation. which sounds fucking insane on its own, so let me try to explain.

you know how some werewolves transform when their emotions get out of control? yeah. that's basically what happens to her, minus the actual "transforming into a wolf" bit (i do want some kind of transformation, to really drive in the fact that this isn't her normal self, but nothing that extreme). when she gets too overwhelmed or angry, there are two ways it can go: she runs away/disconnects, or she goes into this state and lashes out (when she's overwhelmed, it's more likely she'll run, and when she's angry it's more likely she'll lash out, but it can go either way).

when she goes into this state, she's unable to really process anything, making her nearly impossible to reason with and explaining the memory loss (any memories she does have of what happens during this time are hazy and dreamlike, and it's easy for her to write them off as just strange dreams). she lashes out at whoever's closest, no matter what connection she may have to them. she doesn't fully understand what she's doing, just that she's either protecting herself or releasing long-repressed anger. she's extremely glitchy in this state (and when she's nearing it), though she doesn't know that. and i want some kind of transformation (probably related to the glitchyness somehow), but i don't know quite how that will work yet. i'll keep you posted.

my bullshit "scientific" explanation for why this happens (and why it's so extreme) is that it's some combination of an overactive fight or flight response- a glitch that makes her need to protect her user and herself far more intense than it should be- and an inability to properly process overwhelming emotions such as fear and anger. some programming error doesn't let her feel those emotions (and deal with them) how she's supposed to, but they're still there, so they build up over time and, when provoked, rush out and overwhelm her like a dam bursting. that's why the rest of her system is effectively shut off. those emotions are all she can feel.

aaand that's it for now. i'm sorry, anon, i'm sure you didn't want or expect six paragraphs of my rambling when you asked this question, but, uhh... here it is. hope you enjoy!

[bubblegumbeyotch]

.