#I have a lot of adhd related trauma ig

[dark-elf-writes]

I don't know if you have ever talked about this before but do you headcanon Hizashi as having ADHD? because they really do seem like they need ALL THE STIMULATION. What with the three jobs and all.

Oh absolutely. I see a lot of myself in Hizashi which happens to include the ADHD. Tbh probably not even diagnosed until high school because no one… cared as long as they kept their head down.

Young Hizashi who was labeled a motor mouth because they didn’t know when to stop talking. Young Hizashi who was always in trouble because they could never focus. Young Hizashi whose grades weren’t the best because they kept misplacing of forgetting to do their homework but they aced every test. Young Hizashi who was constantly in trouble for tapping or clicking or swaying, forced to stand against a wall during recess and watch the other kids get to vent their energy in the way they never could. Young Hizashi with a book open next to their notes, reading as they write or else they won’t take in the information at all. Young Hizashi in tears as they try to explain that they can’t just listen and sit still but since they aren’t destructive and can hyper focus for hours no one listens.

Teenage Hizashi who turns to other places for stimulation: energy drinks that don’t make them any less tired but do make their blood feel sparkly, music so loud they can feel it behind their eyes, lighters and butterfly knifes kissing their knuckles and leaving little marks behind as they try to master tricks after only seeing one video. Teenage Hizashi who has class down to a science, personal reading book swapped with a second notebook with lyrics and peons and whatever else scrawled in a mad mash of languages so no teacher could say for certain that they weren’t paying attention. A thousand reminders set for every deadline, knowing full well they would finish it in the early hours of the morning on the day it was due no matter how many alarms they set. Teenaged Hizashi with black painted nails always chipped and the skin around them red and raw from keeping themself from moving and disturbing others.

Teenaged Hizashi who stands before a rat, forcing themself to sit still, as he talks about the one thing they have known was true from childhood but no one believed.

ADHD.

(“You don’t have that.”

“You can’t have that.”

“Stop looking for attention.”

“Just try harder.”

“Lazy.”

“So much potential.”)

Nezu doesn’t say anything like they have heard before and instead folds his paws on the desk between them. “There are many accommodations we can offer to help you learn best, Yamada. It is our job to ensure that you can thrive and that includes finding what works best for you both in education and eventually professionally.”

The cried. Nezu was kind enough not to bring that fact up whenever they reassessed what did and didn’t work for Hizashi’s accommodations.

Adult Hizashi with a laptop open on their lap, a notebook at their side, and phone in hand, doing three tasks at once as they chatter away at whoever was in the teachers lounge. Adult Hizashi who teaches in constant motion wide gestures and pacing and whiteboards on each wall so they aren’t tethered to one spot. Adult Hizashi with no late work policy who accepts assignments at any time whether it be an hour after they handed them out or at the end of term. Adult Hizashi with a desk drawer full of fidgets that they toss to the kids who ask for them with a knowing look. Adult Hizashi who after years of trying finally found someone who understood and promised themself that they would be that for someone else.

[actuallyadhd]

hiie!

i'm 18 and i've been trying to self-diagnose. i'm curious about adhd and abuse. i relate to the adhd experience of executive dysfunction, depression, rsd, time blindness, sensory issues, emotional dysregulation etc. but growing up in a super strict and abusive household i've never even had hobbies let alone hyperfixations. so is it possible? to mask so severely that you have no hyperfixations??

i've heard from diagnosed folk that have had an abusive childhood but they all say that it made them hyperfixate more as an escape mechanism. but then i went in the opposite direction, so maybe i don't have adhd? i might have had some hyperfixations ig but it never lasts as long as peope with diagnosed adhd say it does. so ig they are not hyperfixaions but just things i like a lot.

i also don't "stim", i feel like i've forever been understimulated as my mother would remove anything stimulating books/games/TV/music etc. any "stimming" actions were condemned and ridiculed (leg shaking, finger-tapping or even simple vocal stims), this has been enforced in my brain as socially rude and uncultured so uhh ig it could be that i've been masking. that could explain why i did so well in school because there was either math or no stimulation at all. but maybe i'm just having a bad time from all the other things and not adhd?

idk i am like 70% sure i have adhd but i have no access to a clinical diagnosis, so i'm doing extensive research and i want to be thorough before i can make any claims.

Sent April 12, 2024

It can be really hard to know whether some things are due to trauma or ADHD or something else. I have a friend who grew up in an abusive home and got assessed for autism but the clinician couldn’t give a diagnosis because the amount of trauma was making it hard to tease out what was causing which things.

I do think that a lot of ADHDers have trauma because of how we get treated due to our differences. That doesn’t mean ADHD is actually a trauma response; it means that sometimes, trauma happens because we are different due to ADHD. I can recommend Crappy Childhood Fairy on YouTube if you are interested in learning more about trauma and some ways you might be able to deal with it.

Hyperfixations/special interests and stimming are really common ADHD things, but they are not part of the diagnostic criteria. Have a look at our self-diagnosis post to find out more about how to figure this out.

Regardless of whether you have ADHD, you are welcome here. You may find some of the printables at the web site useful, so do consider checking them out.

Followers, what do you think about ADHD and trauma?

-J

[nerves-nebula]

Okay all of this 2k12 turtle talk is mildly hilarious as someone who, while grew up watching 2k3 and even the 2k7 movie before 2k12 popped up and I irregularly caught it on the TV, still found myself drawn to those turtles the most BECAUSE of abusive dynamics that resonated with me.

I haven’t watched Rise yet (gotta do that at some point !), to preface. But since I was a kid I was definitely aware of abuse within the 2k12 family simply because I interpolated my own interpretations to situations beyond their reach to match my own lived experience yknow? Like you said, creating art to make something of your own trauma. I was an angry eldest child who went through ODD and depression+anxiety diagnoses before the ADHD one (and a softcore autism diagnosis, ig? it’s complicated) so of course I was drawn to the way Raphael was angry. Of course I was drawn to the way he lashed out at his brothers and friends emotionally and physically in a way I’ve done a lot. I understood the feeling of being so upset that you want to upset others (particularly authority figures) to make them understand the way you feel, even though you love them. It’s easier to be angry than it is to be sad, too. And of course I was drawn to Leonardo, eldest sibling syndrome incarnate, as I grew into the role of a parent in the household. Of course I disliked Splinter, because those conversations with Leonardo about it all reminded me of my home in a negative way. Discipline, the word, still makes me emotional.

So, I DO think there’s abusive themes in 2k12, but that’s why I liked it. Arguing over how good and bad fictional characters are in earnest has always seemed silly, but to dismiss interpreted abuse as bashing the show or characters is worse imo. (I think people who definitively label characters in the same, unrelenting way to undermine a show, it’s characters, or the fans is equally silly). I don’t know, those conversations struck a chord with me as a 2k12 fan solely due to their dysfunction.

Ahck sorry for the text wall !! Jus wanna add that it’s also why I love YOUR comics and work so much, they’ve helped a lot of people understand and be open about themselves and their experiences and I think you can tell from the asks. Doesn’t hurt to say it though. It helped me, it brings me joy, so thank you! ❤️

still found myself drawn to those turtles the most BECAUSE of abusive dynamics that resonated with me.

NOO Like this is the main reason i was first interested in watching 2012 instead of any of the other iterations after Rise too!!

I understood the feeling of being so upset that you want to upset others (particularly authority figures) to make them understand the way you feel, even though you love them. It’s easier to be angry than it is to be sad, too.

relatable, tbh. when i was younger i CHOSE to be sad instead of angry most of the time. I chose to blame myself and shut down, because I'd never want to put someone through the terror and pain I felt. but then as I grew up i realized just how much it was hurting me and how UNFAIR it all was. And then I realized how much the people hurting me the most DIDNT EVEN CARE.

I'm still distressed tho cause now I have a habit of lashing out at people when I feel like they don't understand, to try to make them feel the way I do. but at the end of the day I don't ACTUALLY want them in tears, I want them to UNDERSTAND my feelings and that's just!! not gonna happen through cruelty!!

Arguing over how good and bad fictional characters are in earnest has always seemed silly, but to dismiss interpreted abuse as bashing the show or characters is worse imo.

vIBEs. good opinions here no notes. Only thing I can add is that I've been given a few accounts of what is CLEARLY character bashing in popular parts of the fandom so I totally get people who get annoyed/skeeved out by it.

Jus wanna add that it’s also why I love YOUR comics and work so much, they’ve helped a lot of people understand and be open about themselves and their experiences and I think you can tell from the asks.

augh you're all such daRLING sweethearts about it. literally don't even worry, I do this for myself for the most part and all the good that comes afterwards is just a happy side effect.

[sharkiethrts]

Karma with a s/o who is. Very odd. They r very quiet, scientific and smart but also a bubbly smartass who also has special interests that a lot find gross, morbid and questionable- like if you see them kneeling and digging in the dirt they’d just look up, get excited and say “im looking for f u n g u s🧌” and how they get wide eyed, giggly and gremlin like from finding a cool, possibly deadly organism! Then picking it up and showing it to everybody while literally full-body convulsing from excitement as everyone freaks out! Just. Zero consideration for his safety if it’s for the sake of discovery. Kind of like an intelligent bimbo boy </33 He’s just a devious little creature getting up to mischief, following the beat of their own drum! Sort of like the punk-ish parasite, fungi, protist, coral and decomposer/detritivore studying entrapta. Who’s also a library robber. I steal books from my school. I’m kind of a. Small person. Short and fem bodied but prefers masculine, neutral, neos or just any and no pronouns! Also i have diagnosed adhd and probably more than that, really like learning at school but i SUCK at math and PE, i also look dead and i wear really crazy intense makeup and chop all of my hair off for fun sometimes when I’m not in a depressive state, also i am really confrontational and stubborn as shit ! If you actually know personality type stuff like cognitive functions and enneagram, I’m an INTP 5w6 and my tritype is 584! Holy fuck. I write so much. Now you see what my teachers have to deal with. Also what any tumblr writers who write for karma have to deal with. I am so sorry jesus fuck i am a lot to take in

writing style, casual

KARMA AKABANE: headcanons: s/o that is known to be much more intelligent than him

[11:40PM, 23rd March 2022]

(by the way, no promises that I'll get all info in. i only got the once my dyslexic brain actually processed. too much words, my guy. too much words.)

- he was lowkey kind of scared of u at first

- but dude he cherishes u the moment yall got together

- have u seen him in the anime? he was hyping up everyone for what they are unique for

- he appreciates how odd you are

- weirdo, i know. like tf is wrong with u karma

- at least he has good taste in ppl ig

- dude

- judging by ur intense typing and spamming??? my guess is that u would spam the shit outta him at ungodly hours

- he would still reply to u tho

- ikr?? simp behaviour LMFAO

- dude he is so good at maths and PE

- teachers u maths

- free tutoring?? fuck ya. fuck the patriarchy ig

- idk how the patriarchy got involved LMFaO

- ok anyway

- intp and istp?? ayo cutie?? lesgo

- 5w6?? dude dude mine is 5w4

- not related but u sound cool enough for me to info dump u

- get egoboosted ig

- library robber??? dude karma prolly got a few books and half-unintentionally did not give it back

- bc lmfao he couldnt bother going back

- has a huge amount of emails telling him to give the books back

- but he just kind of ignores them ykyk

- f u n g us?? did u say dfungus??

- bitch he is gonna take that chance to put teresaka in danger

- "watch my s/o for me<3"

- and teresaka gets some shit up in his head and now has trauma

- my guy u are dangerous fr no cap

- small person?? bestie idk bout u but u getting bullied hardDDDDDDDDDddddah

- the -dah didnt have to be there LMFAO

HAHHAHAHAAH

- ok anyway

- im so sorry for the info i missed

- but dude u cool man?? wanna dump karma and go on a date sometime??/hj/j/hj/j

ok bye

[magicalgirlpropaganda]

I don't remember anything. I don't even remember recent events sometimes.

It's just rlly weird and kind of scary. But memories dont really matter to me since i usually don't remember them. I can't miss what i never had ig. Or at least don't remember having.

But im already in college and one day ill be on my own. Ive always assumed that my loss of memory was due to adhd but i don't think ive ever seen someone else with adhd relate.

Whatever the issue is, it probably doesn't matter because maybe me forgetting my entire life is for the best. I know that for a lot of my life, I was extremely suicidal and bad things happened, but im often not really sure what exactly happened. I don't know if maybe i lost memory due to trauma. But if i did, i don't want to remember it.

[weareliterallyonfire]

📌, 🎥, and 💕

📌 how did you find your hyperfixation?

great question /j i found supernatural through a friend and they recommended for me to watch it and then it happened, i found the dream smp from quackity and wilbur who were the first people i watched who’re in the smp, and i found IT (the movies) after i read the book when my friend got really into it and forced me to watch it with her

🎥 do you have any favorite scenes from your hyperfixation?

oh boy oh boy do i have favourite scenes, this is just gonna be from IT because i just need to rant about it, so do you know that scene with richie in the neilbolt house in the room full of clowns that fucking scene was produced so well like actually so fucking well like when penny fucking popped out of the toys and the buildup to that it was so fucking good, also, another richie scene, in the second movie (i think i’m not sure though) when richie is in the park with the statue of paul bunyan and penny sings ‘i know your secret your dirty little secret’ it was fucking scary and i don’t know about everyone else but i was wondering what secret could pennywise possibly be talking about, and the fear in the actor’s eyes is so fucking good like the fear of a secret possibly being shared, penny knowing the secret, and the fact that he knew the secret himself just from the words ‘dirty little secret’ it’s just so fucking good

💕 tell us about one of your favorite characters and why you like them!

supernatural, charlie for sure, she’s a sword lesbian and it’s amazing, i really love how they showed a person who could do so many amazing things who was also queer and the fact that they were queer was not the heart of their personality, now dsmp, i know some people disagree quite a lot with this but either c!dream or c!tommy, they both have amazing plots and the lore behind their characters is fucking amazing, like with tommy, yeah he has trauma and ptsd but he’s still the ‘wife haver’ tubbo’s best friend, his trauma doesn’t define him and i think that’s really well written especially from a seventeen year old who, i don’t think, has any trauma or ptsd in real life but i’m not entirely sure, and with dream he’s a villain he is a villain with a tragic backstory, all of his friends left him for other people (except for george but i mean george wasn’t there for half the shit that went down) i just think his character, like tommy’s, is so complex and it’s just amazing how they wrote their characters, IT, ig you guessed richie trashmouth tozier you would be correct, he’s my favourite because i relate to him in so many ways, adhd, dirty jokes fucking constantly, annoying the shit out of other people, not having a filter, humour being a coping mechanism, deflecting things that involve heavy emotions, i also think the movie adaptation of richie was really well written from the book because the book depiction of richie was a bit more in depth with his own emotions but i think never really seeing a character who would show heavy emotions except for people he really cared about was interesting especially how finn wolfhard took the character and molded him a bit, same with bill hader 

[lanamemories2]

THE CHARACTER STATISTICS

FULL NAME — lana rose jameson

NICKNAME — idk if she has many nicknames altho.... rod exclusively calls her banana..... some call her lana banana n her teacher as a kid wld call her lala land bc she ws always nt focusing..... bt mostly ppl call her lana......... she “dated” a loser tht wld exclusively call her sugar nips bt >_> i can’t let tht count i simply can’t..... i’ll throw up.

D.O.B. — june 2nd 1998

LINK TO THEIR PINTEREST BOARD OR TAG ON YOUR BLOG — tag n pinterest

STAR SIGN / MOON & RISING — gemini / virgo / pisces

MBTI — ESFP (the entertainer)

MORAL ALIGNMENT — chaotic good

MARITAL STATUS & SEXUALITY — single n bisexual

LANGUAGES — english

TALENTS / HOBBIES — dancing, origami (doesn’t rly publicise tht), rollerskating, cheer (altho i think she’s prob given tht up nw she’s working), humming ALL the time, collecting records, shopping, partying ig bc she does it 24/7

TOP 5 MUSICIANS —  the velvet underground, wild cherry, the rolling stones, donna summer n robyn

FAVOURITE BOOK — isn’t rly a big reader....... she read mre when she ws younger bt she’d find it difficult to concentrate n nt lose her place on a page...... she mostly liked picture books i think her fav as a kid wldv been one of those big illustrated encyclopedias of fairies

FAVOURITE FILM & TV SHOW — she likes musicals like cabaret n rocketman n moulin rouge bt then also coraline n moonrise kingdom n twilight n my neighbour totoro..... i think she likes anything thts rly pretty n interesting to look at. lovs sex n the city fr tv probably gossip girl.... vampire diaries :/ lots of trashy stuff.... also broad city

FAVOURITE VIDEO GAME — she doesn’t rly play games bt she does luv the princess peach game fr the nds

WHAT DID THEY DO THIS PAST SUMMER? — she usually jets off to like 5742759742 countries bt i think except fr visiting caleb montgomery (shout out 2 alli lov u) in paris fr a handful of days one week she stayed local n worked at the burlesque club n jst hd a sexy time in lovell going wild.............. living the vida loca................

WHERE HAVE THEY TRAVELLED? — god. literally sm places i cldnt even name them all.......... spits on the floor.......... me in a riot club vc: i am SICK to DEATH of RICH PPL! (new way sexier version)

DO THEY TAKE ANY PRESCRIPTIONS? — she’s been prescribed like 985729574 diff things fr adhd over the yrs bt she nvr rly tkes them ://// she hd a bad experience w one where it mde her feel kind of lethargic n sad n since she jst.... amasses them in her bedside cabinet instead of taking them.

DO THEY HAVE ANY DIAGNOSIS’S? — adhd n when she attended a few sessions of therapy her therapist quickly recognised she hd ptsd n lots of.... unexplored trauma :/ sighs.... 

FICTIONAL CHARACTER THEY ARE MOST LIKE? — penny lane, molly gunn, alabama worley, satine (moulin rouge).... also reminds me of edie sedgwick (factory girl) n linda lovelace (lovelace) bt they’re technically real so 🤷

ARE THEY EMPLOYED? WHERE DO THEY WORK? — at a burlesque club in downtown lovell!! she’s a 💃

WERE THEY POPULAR IN HIGH SCHOOL? — ya lana jst...... was friends w n slept w everyone bt she ws kind of like marmite like u love or u hate her....... bc of hw promiscuous/wild she ws n whether ppl agreed w tht or not.... mostly loved tho i wnt lie

DO THEY DO DRUGS? ya she’ll honestly jst.... tke whatever someone gives her she’s very ://// impressionable n up fr anything

DRINK? — ya way..... way too mch n often

SMOKE CIGARETTES? — non merci!

SMOKE WEED? — again ya bt usually jst if ppl offer she doesn’t buy fr herself

WHERE WERE THEY BORN? WHERE DID THEY GROW UP? — her mum went into labour bkstage at a rock concert in nyc bt her family home is in albany n she grew up sort of like.... between there n nyc n LA bc her dad’s company hd studios dwn there

DO THEY PLAN TO GO TO GRAD SCHOOL? — no

WHAT ARE THEIR PLANS POST-GRADUATION? — lana doesn’t believe in plans. prefers spontaneous. deciding things on whims

PARENTS NAMES — richard n victoria (rich n vic)

DO THEY HAVE SIBLINGS? NAMES & AGES? — caleb jameson!!!! holds his severely depressed hand. he’s 25 or mayb 26 now?? much to contemplate.

DO THEY HAVE PETS? TYPES & NAMES? — no pets lana’s so forgetful n irresponsible she’d completely blank on feeding it n get rly sad when she realised so it’s jst.... best nt to...... even tho she does Love animals

ARE THEY RELIGIOUS? WHAT IS THEIR RELIGION IF SO? — no altho she does tlk to her brother’s best friend tommy in her dreams n in some ways tht feels kind of religious like he’s....... still here w her trying to keep her safe in some way....... she wld nvr say tht bt she likes to think so

HOW MANY PEOPLE HAVE THEY SLEPT WITH? — god i genuinely cld Not even estimate.... it’s easily in the hundreds...... she hs ://// a problem

WHAT VEHICLE DO THEY DRIVE? IF THEY DON’T DRIVE, HOW DO THEY TRAVEL AROUND TOWN? — if she ws gna get a car it’d b a pastel convertible cadillac she’s obsessed w them she thinks they’re the coolest car.... bt she’s an awful driver. honestly she typically gets driven around everywhere by ppl..... or ubers

DESCRIBE THEIR FASHION — luvs red so a lot of tht bt honestly jst a lot of colour in general altho mainly warm tones...... penny lane style jackets, pastel faux fur coats, lots of slip dresses, corduroy flares, crochet tops, skimpy sequin halters, lots of sheer, glitter, red cowboy boots, go-go boots, any form of seventies platform, jst like.... lots of statement pieces.... LOTS of strange sunglasses elton john style..... sometimes jst randomly accessorises w stickers on random body parts...... doesn’t believe in being overdressed jst wears whtever she wants whenever she wants

DO THEY PREFER TO BE BEHIND THE CAMERA OR IN FRONT OF IT? — in front

DO THEY BELIEVE ANY OF THE STORIES ABOUT RADCLIFFE? WHICH ONES? — no lana prefers to mke up her own like she hs this whole one abt the trees where she thinks they hv souls in them n mkes up stories fr the diff lives the trees lived......... hers r nvr rly tht scary just fun n whimsical.....

DO THEY THINK THE MOTHMAN IS HOT? — yes

A QUOTE THAT DESCRIBES THEM —  “She would be half a planet away, floating in a turquoise sea, dancing by moonlight to flamenco guitar.”

A SONG THAT THEY WOULD RELATE TO — disco biscuit love by the jezabels ://////

[dualbrand]

FULL NAME.  morgan emmeryn von ylisse MEANING. morgan is a plegian name. emmeryn is after his late aunt, exalt emmeryn. “von” means ‘of’, so his last is “of ylisse,” referring to his status as royalty.  NICKNAME.  ‘gan, most often, though he has several others GENDER.  cis male HEIGHT.   5’ 4" / 162 cm at his first appearance, but he grows a couple more inches. AGE.  17 at his first appearance, almost 20 at the end of the game ZODIAC. taurus SPOKEN LANGUAGES.  common / ylissean ( japanese ), plegian ( equivalent ??? )

𝐩𝐡𝐲𝐬𝐢𝐜𝐚𝐥 𝐜𝐡𝐚𝐫𝐚𝐜𝐭𝐞𝐫𝐢𝐬𝐭𝐢𝐜𝐬 !

HAIR COLOR. dark bluish EYE COLOR.  brown with reddish undertones SKIN TONE. darker than his father’s, but not quite as dark as his mother’s; his natural skin tone could be mistaken for a dark tan.  BODY TYPE.  ectomorph; well-suited for swordfighting, due to genetics and training ACCENT. he learned both ylissean and plegian very young, so he has no accent in either. he knows a select few phrases in rosannian / french that he can say with a slight accent. VOICE. todd haberkorn but like. slightly different somehow. ???

DOMINANT HAND.  right handed; uses left hand for casting / tomes POSTURE.  very refined. maribelle was his etiquette teacher as a child, and you can imagine how that turned him out - straight back, chin up but not out, hands resting at sides or folded over his chest. when standing, he shifts his weight from leg to leg. when he’s exhausted, he slumps his shoulders and leans forward when sitting. this happens often in the future. SCARS. standard childhood incident scars - a burn on the finger, a scratch on the thigh - are nearly faded into nonexistence. scars gained from war experience are all much more recent, ranging from a recent pinkish to a healed or unhealed tone just lighter than his skin tone. the most notable are a large slash across his upper back - one that nearly cost him his life - and a stab wound in his right hand. it is unknown if the hand wound is self-inflicted. TATTOOS.  none; the mark of grima is on his right hand, and the mark of naga is on the back of his neck. MOST NOTICEABLE FEATURE(S).  pointed ears when uncovered, his brands when uncovered, his skin tone ( to non-plegians ), his mask ( when disguised ), his sword / scabbard

𝐜𝐡𝐢𝐥𝐝𝐡𝐨𝐨𝐝 !

PLACE OF BIRTH. central palace, ylisstol HOMETOWN.  ylisstol BIRTH WEIGHT.  normal? BIRTH HEIGHT.  normal? MANNER OF BIRTH.  the normal way ig FIRST WORDS.  unknown; if they were ever recorded, the record was lost. SIBLINGS. none. robin had a miscarriage two years after his birth; she would have named the baby lucina. PARENTS.  exalt chrom von ylisse and robin PARENT INVOLVEMENT. raised by both parents until age 14, with periods of care from nurses, before robin’s body was taken over by grima and killed chrom in the process... not that he remembers that.

𝐚𝐝𝐮𝐥𝐭 𝐥𝐢𝐟𝐞 !

OCCUPATION. prince exalt ( former ); warrior / adventurer CURRENT RESIDENCE.  wherever the rest of the shepherds are CLOSE FRIENDS.  all of the future children RELATIONSHIP STATUS.  single; crushes easily but doesn’t always realize it FINANCIAL STATUS.  was once very rich, as the heir to the halidom. after grima’s return, he was on the run and thus low on funds constantly. DRIVER’S LICENSE. none CRIMINAL RECORD. none, though he has broken and entered before. VICES.  pride. envy?

𝐬𝐞𝐱 & 𝐫𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧𝐜𝐞 !

SEXUAL ORIENTATION. demisexual ROMANTIC ORIENTATION.  panromantic PREFERRED EMOTIONAL ROLE.  submissive       |       dominant |       switch PREFERRED SEXUAL ROLE.  submissive       |       dominant       |       switch LIBIDO.   TURN ON’S. TURN OFF’S.  

RELATIONSHIP TENDENCIES.  eager would be a good starting word. he loves making people happy, which might come at the neglect of himself; while he loves showering others with affection, his trauma, especially related to robin and grima, causes him to be unwilling to accept it himself or let people past all of his masks.

𝐦𝐢𝐬𝐜𝐞𝐥𝐥𝐚𝐧𝐞𝐨𝐮𝐬 !

CHARACTER’S THEME SONG. i Do Not Know yet :( HOBBIES TO PASS TIME.   lots of reading, especially to improve his skills in strategy and combat, though he also likes adventure novels; spellcrafting;  MENTAL ILLNESSES.  ptsd, adhd PHYSICAL ILLNESSES.  chronic iron deficiency; doesn’t affect him in any significant ways, but sometimes his hands shake or he gets tired more easily. LEFT OR RIGHT BRAINED. i’m a psych major and i don’t believe in this anymore :’)

PHOBIAS.  losing loved ones / unnecessary death, being left alone, the smell of smoke & large amounts of fire, loud noises - especially of voices or prolonged sounds

SELF CONFIDENCE LEVEL.  like a 7/10 most of the time. can be brought lower by panic attacks / ptsd attacks, being left alone, and thinking about the future VULNERABILITIES.  his duty to the halidom / humanity, his friends, most of his past ???

[metalornothng-blog]

Forming/Retaining Memories with Mental Disorders

First and foremost, I’d like to address something really interesting that I truly related to when I read it - RAPID CYCLING. What led me to this revelation of the concept “rapid cycling” was researching “What is Bipolar Disorder?” Now why would I be randomly wondering about BPD? Because I need answers and solutions to these horrible mood swings ruining my life and relationships. What does this half to do with memory? You’ll see.

I remember being diagnosed as a child with “rapid mood swings”- highs then lows swinging so fast they leave me dizzy and with spotty memory of what just occurred.. something as simple as my morning trip to Starbucks, posting an IG story ranting about something I find amusing, then taking a break to sit on the couch and *boom* mood swing I’m overanalyzing and being really hard on myself, suddenly unsure of what I'd even just said or done as if I’d been in some drunk frenzy. Sure if i think hard enough i know exactly the events of the day but sometimes i even confuse it with the day prior, or another day before that. It leaves me pretty disoriented most of the time. 

So sure, that didn’t affect anyone but me but here is a perfect example of how these mood swings are affecting my relationships- I just finished a modeling job, I’m driving home in a great mood, and then *boom* here comes the negative thinking, the overanalyzing of my work, and the bad mood. And maybe that bad mood makes me lash out at my friends or family. Maybe I text all angrily for a good five minutes in my car in my garage and then I get out of the car and stand up and suddenly *boom* I’m fine. I no longer care and life goes on. But no one else is fine. My friend is left with all these angry words I didn’t even mean and honestly I’m pretty embarrassed that i have these weird outbursts that half the time aren’t things im rude enough to ever voice and i’d rather not remember so I don’t scroll back up and I block it out and I’m left thinking things are suddenly back to normal since I’M back to normal. This doesn’t only apply to cell phone interactions by the way it’s just a relatable example, but for you it could be yelling at your mom, saying hurtful things, slamming the door, taking a deep breath and suddenly walking back out trying to apologize.

So now here’s an example of how it affects me in daily life with people i DON’T know and that i’m TOO nice to (haha!) So, I’m leaving a modeling job, I’m in an ecstatic mood and I get to the counter to buy cigarettes and end up gushing to the cashier about the beautiful day and we get deep into conversation about cigarette prices and then my tattoos by now fifteen minutes has passed and he’s trying to give me his phone number and I’m immediately annoyed and discouraged and by the time I’m stomping out of the store I’m angrily muttering “can’t a girl just buy a pack of smokes? damn!” And instantly my good mood that spurred the conversation which confused the dude into thinking I was flirting has sailed out the window and I’m blaming myself and angry with the world. And as I overanalyze our fifteen minute conversation to figure out where I went wrong I realize I sounded like I was a full on tweaker babbling about sunshine and how wonderful Cali is and pouring out my life story to someone I’ll never see again. What. Just. Happened?!

What is rapid cycling?

“Rapid cycling is defined as four or more manic, hypomanic, or depressive episodes in any 12-month period. With rapid cycling, mood swings can quickly go from low to high and back again, and occur over periods of a few days and sometimes even hours. The person feels like he or she is on a roller coaster, with mood and energy changes that are out-of control and disabling. In some individuals, rapid cycling is characterized by severe irritability, anger, impulsivity, and uncontrollable outbursts. While the term “rapid cycling” may make it sound as if the episodes occur in regular cycles, episodes actually often follow a random pattern. Some patients with rapid cycling appear to experience true manic, mild manic, or depressive episodes that last only for a day. If there are four mood episodes within a month, it is called ultra-rapid cycling, and when several mood switches occur within a day, on several days during one week, it is called ultra-ultra-rapid, or ultradian cycling. Typically, however, someone who experiences such short mood swings has longer episodes as well. Some individuals experience rapid cycling at the beginning of their illness, but for the majority, rapid cycling begins gradually. Most individuals with bipolar disorder, in fact, experience shorter and more frequent episodes over time if their illness is not adequately treated. For most people, rapid cycling is a temporary occurrence. They may experience rapid cycling for a time, then return to a pattern of longer, less frequent episodes, or, in the best case, return to a stabilized mood with the help of treatment. A small number of individuals continue in a rapid cycling pattern indefinitely.”  See: http://www.dbsalliance.org/site/PageServer?pagename=education_brochures_bipolar_disorder_rapid_cycling

So it sounds like I’ve figured out what these rapid mood swings are called and I feel better that there’s a name for it. And clearly other people are dealing with this too. This next paragraph hit home-

“Characteristics such as irritability, tendency to cry, racing thoughts or impulsiveness may cause social problems. Because people with bipolar disorder are often unfairly judged, they may lose opportunities to develop friendships or romantic involvement, or have trouble achieving their career goals. These struggles may contribute to self-esteem problems.”

So while I’m sitting here writing this I pulled open my text messages and saw one that said “Let’s go get our belly buttons pierced!” I remember writing it but I don’t even want a belly button ring. Perfect example of making impulsive decisions while rapid cycling. And because I just read it I remember it but I honestly had no memory of wanting to do that today. So yes, that definitely applies to me, but this but this doesn’t explain the MEMORY LOSS/BLOCK part of things which made me decide to search “Bipolar and Memories” which lead me to this eye-opening article:

“Of course, it’s common to engage in out-of-character behaviors while manic. I accept that. However, it’s much more difficult for me to accept the fact that I have absolutely no recollection of performing so many of these actions. I suspect there’s a lot more I don’t remember from that time period, as even five years later, I keep learning new things. I can’t tell you how many times my husband has said to me: “Do you remember when …” and I don’t. It’s as though someone has stolen my memories, and I don’t like the idea that such a thing is even possible. Memories aren’t like alarm clocks or artwork—you can’t just replace them.Coping with the reality of losing so much time and having done so many things (often highly embarrassing things) of which I have zero recall hasn’t been easy for me. I recognize that my amnesia may well be my mind’s way of protecting me from myself, from reliving painful events, but that doesn’t make it any easier to accept." See: https://www.bphope.com/bipolar-disorder-missing-memories-i-did-what/

The article ended up with the author babbled about forgiveness and that people still love her. Good for you, I’m losing friends by the minute.

So I continue my search. So what I’ve gathered so far is that people with BPD experience rapid mood swings all day long just like me and people with BPD experience states of frenzy with memory loss (amnesia). 

What is amnesia?

“Amnesia is a deficit in memory caused by brain damage, disease, or psychological trauma. Amnesia can also be caused temporarily by the use of various sedatives and hypnotic drugs. The memory can be either wholly or partially lost due to the extent of damage that was caused.[2] There are two main types of amnesia: retrograde amnesia and anterograde amnesia. Retrograde amnesia is the inability to retrieve information that was acquired before a particular date, usually the date of an accident or operation.[3] In some cases the memory loss can extend back decades, while in others the person may lose only a few months of memory. Anterograde amnesia is the inability to transfer new information from the short-term store into the long-term store. People with this type of amnesia cannot remember things for long periods of time. These two types are not mutually exclusive; both can occur simultaneously.” See:https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Amnesia

So maybe I have BPD and anterograde amnesia with a drop of retrograde because The best way to describe my memory would be snapshots- shorts clips but no seamless video footage. I can’t remember my child hood, I had several best friends in 7th grade and don’t know their names, they don’t even have bodies or faces in my memories. Entire years, schools, individuals- wiped out. Or even getting lunch with a friend two weeks ago seems like years ago. It hurts. It makes me feel heartless. I didn’t choose to be this way but if there was one thing I did that might have screwed me, it was learning how to block things out. My mom loved to scold me with this weird expression on her face of pursed lips and a finger wagging in front of my nose. I hated it so I’d tune her out and go somewhere else in my mind. I began to do this so much I eventually lost control of when to snap back from my happy place. My sweet mind trick on my mom turned into this full blown out mental disorder called “ADD.” 

What is ADD?

Apparently “this is an outdated term. The term was once used to refer to someone who had trouble focusing but was not hyperactive.” OK cool so it’s ADHD now. Inattentive ADHD means a person shows enough symptoms of inattention (or easy distractibility) but isn’t hyperactive or impulsive.

For example- It got really bad in high school to the point that I’d be trying to listen to my friend’s story and she’d say a word that either sparked a memory of mine and I’d be so excited to share it I’d blurt it out and interrupt her because i literally didn’t even hear her talking anymore my memory was so loud and needed to resurrect itself from the dead. Everyone started to hate me because i came off as super obnoxious and spacey. I didn’t always interrupt, I’m actually pretty aware now and I apologize or manage to hold it in til the end. But THEN people probably think I’m just waiting for them to finish talking so I can talk about myself some more. And while that’s not true at all, it truly is hard to hear the rest of their story with mine pushing so hard to get out. Then I found this psychology study on ADHD and memory differences and the outcome:

“We know that these individuals with ADHD are just as capable in remembering information, but what is selected to be remembered could be an issue. The brain areas associated with planning, memory, and decision-making are also implicated in a number of other psychological disorders. Decisions about risk-taking, substance use, and other problematic behaviors may be impaired in children with ADHD compared to their non-ADHD counterparts. A recent analysis looking at the long term outcomes of children with ADHD found that as adolescents and adults, they are more likely to try smoking and marijuana, and more likely to develop substance abuse or depending on nicotine, marijuana, alcohol, cocaine, and other drugs.” See: https://www.psychologyinaction.org/psychology-in-action-1/2011/02/12/adhd-and-memory-differences-in-what-is-remembered

Oh did someone say substance abuse? Hello, it’s me! But more importantly, they mentioned selective memory. 

“A study found that repressing these memories for long enough can lead to us erasing them completely. Using EEG scans, scientists noted the parts of volunteers' brains which became active when actively trying to forget something. They were also able to pinpoint the exact moment a memory is 'forgotten', and claim that long-term suppression of a memory is a sure fire way of permanently erasing it.

The study authors say that mastering the technique could be useful for people who suffer from depression or post traumatic stress disorder.

Mr Waldhauser, a researcher at Lund University, said "We know that 'forgotten' or repressed feelings often manifest themselves as physiological reactions.” See: http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/science/science-news/8620360/Selective-memory-does-exist-say-scientists.html

So maybe my elite human brain is just protecting me... They did mention depression and PTSD.

“Depression has been linked to memory problems, such as forgetfulness or confusion. It can also make it difficult to focus on work or other tasks, make decisions, or think clearly. Stress and anxiety can also lead to poor memory.

Depression is associated with short-term memory loss. It doesn’t affect other types of memory, such as long-term memory and procedural memory, which controls motor skills.” See:https://www.healthline.com/health/depression/depression-and-memory-loss#outlook

Several reoccurring symptoms of PTSD include fearful thoughts, flashbacks and bad dreams. These symptoms can become problematic in a person’s life. Some of the avoidance symptoms include difficulty remembering the traumatic event and avoiding reminders of the experience, such as places, people and objects. Hyperarousal symptoms may also arise, such as feeling tense, being startled easily and having trouble sleeping. While it is normal to experience some of these symptoms after a terrible event, symptoms lasting more than a few weeks may be signs of PTSD.\Post-traumatic stress disorder causes short-term memory loss and can have long-term chronic psychological repercussions, according to the American Psychological Association (APA) and the NCBI. Fortunately, psychotherapeutic intervention and treatment can alleviate and often eliminate short-term and long-term effects of PTSD. See:https://www.psychguides.com/guides/post-traumatic-stress-disorder-symptoms-causes-and-effects/

[enchantingblizzardbouquet]

Firt of all, I have ADHD, I'm very gulliable on actions (not much opinions, no), I'm from South America (therefore a poc?? Idk im brazilian) I take adhd meds, and at least 80% of the songs from here talk about sex and drugs, that being said, the Dream thing

I've seen people talking about it on the bird app and uhhhh I hate the bird app

The first thing I saw on the bird app is that aparently people watching that clip and need to take medication would be influenced to not take the meds. Tbh, good for them?? I spent at least 16 years of my life off of meds, mostly bc I didnt know I could take them, but taking medication is a choice?? If your adhd doesn't affect your life at all and you reather not take medication, good, I could never, Dream on the other hand could. Thats HIS experience and we are not here to make him got back in time and make his past self take meds, thats stupid, let the man have his own expiriences damn.

Another thing I saw today was the "he should learn how to keep quiet about his rsd just like every girl and poc learned" and uhhhh???? Excuse me but no. As a girl and latina, I didn't learn how to mask my rsd and in fact, when I did try to mask it I had a suicidal episode so please, stfu and don't tell people they should mask their symptoms, thats bad for their mental health and you cant throw your own trauma onto someone else just bc they are a white cis male, that's not how life works sweetheart.

Moving on to the dugs thing... I'm just disapointed, yall really are gatekeeping music about drugs smh. Yall know everyone could do drugs and talk about it if they wanted right? John Mullaney had a whole thing about it, rehab AND a comedy bit, content about drugs is available on RAP, brazilian funk, pop music, eletro, indie, drugs are not always related to Black people's rap, my favourite is "why you only call me when you're high" and I'm not a hardcore fan, but I think artic monkey is not a poc band, actually I think they are very white, so dont gatekeep drugs, geez

I do think the meds would help him with the rsd, but his job consists of those attention iregularities, hyperfocusing on editing and not focusing at all on topic like... politics?? Idk what's been going on over there, im sorry, idrc. So maybe rsd is not that much lf an issue ig

You see, I once met a philosophy major that helped me to be chill on the internet he said that philosophy majors had no time to over analisise every text, so they all read everything in the best way the author could mean, and after that my critical thinking improved a lot. Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar yk, theres a painting about it

Tldr: i think people should stop thinking they are the masters of knowladge and try to understand what the person is talking about, not just going at their throat just bc they said something you didnt like

Anyway, yall have a good night and sleep well or a good day