#I have a week to screw up my sleeping pattern
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Train Yourself (or a partner) to Cum Faster - Coach Sarah' Method for PE
TL;DR
* Find what tier you're in below
* work towards the next tier
**Introduction**
After posting my first adventure here, I've gotten many, many people asking me to train or coach them one-on-one. Of course, having someone hot, clever, and a little sadistic to train you is the best, but, tragically, the reality is that I am way too busy to coach every person who wants to be coached.
But, these conversations have helped me start to formulate a generic write-up for some of the stuff I would suggest for guys or girls who want to be coached, either to cum faster, to cum helplessly to some specific stimulus, or both. This is my first stab at the former -- coaching to cum faster.
I've never had a "method" before. Every guy or girl I've ever played these sorts of games with I've approached individually, depending on their desires, their past, and what I personally was finding hot when I thought about it.
But I do think there are patterns or defaults that can help, so I've decided to start writing them down and sharing them.
If any of you follow my advice and keep notes, I'd love to hear how it goes! I particularly enjoy public comments, even if they're made with a burner account, because then everyone can benefit from your experience.
**What this guide is and isn't**
This will be an initial attempt at a guide specifically for people (any gender, any genitals) who want to cum faster. This is actually NOT what I do most of the time in my personal life -- most of the time, especially if I'm even occasionally sleeping with the person, I'd much prefer to train them to cum when I want, which might be 30 seconds into making out with them, or not at all. But, since PE Fetish is where I shared my first post, that's what most of your questions have been about, so I figured I'd start there.
So, what are the main goals of making someone cum faster? And what are the things I am not particularly interested in?
Let's get some of the "not interested" things out of the way first.
First, I'm not interested in fantasy, and that's not what this guide is about. I think fantasy captioned images where a guy is cumming in his pants after just seeing a girl in tight pants are great, if that's your thing. More power to ya! But MY thing is doing it in real life, and in real life that sort of thing is both borderline impossible, and also, if it really COULD be achieved, would completely screw up a person's life. Hot in fantasy, but not workable in reality.
Second, for this guide, I'm only interested in "conditioned triggers" in as much as they facilitate cumming faster. The idea of cumming whenever you see pussy or breasts or ass or a fire truck or hear a specific phrase is GREAT, and I LOVE it -- but here it is, at best, of secondary importance.
If you condition yourself to only cum to bare breasts, for example, you're working towards a different goal than strictly "lowering your time" PE. Imagine training to only cum to bare breasts, and it worked perfectly. Does that mean if we were hooking up, and I left my shirt on, you could you go for hours?
Obviously the answer to this is probably "who knows," but the point is that if your goal is just to get faster, a trigger CAN be helpful, but it should be a side dish more than the main course.
(Side note, a variation on this that I applied with Alan in a previous post, and that I have used several times since, is conditioning friends to cum when they see my bare pussy. This is a fun variation on a PE fetish, because it lets you keep a guy hard for as long as you want, but they know they will never be able to fuck you! That's not what I'm covering here, though. Maybe another day!)
So if that's what I DON'T want, what DO I want to achieve with this kind of coaching?
**Goals / What this guide will help you do**
The following three goals, IN ORDER OF IMPORTANCE:
1. the person gets better at the learned skill of cumming quickly. week over week, the number of minutes and seconds it takes for them to cum goes down consistently (if not strictly linearly)
2. the person gets better at cumming from less intense VISUAL & mental stimulation. if in week 1 they are cumming to niche hardcore porn, in week 52 (say) I'd like them to be cumming just as easily to pics of people wearing clothes, or just their imagination.
3. the person gets better at cumming from less intense PHYSICAL stimulation. if in week 1 they are cumming to jerking off with a death-grip at high speed, or by holding a hitachi directly against their clit, by week 52 (say), I'd like them to be cumming from one finger rubbing their frenulum, or a soft paintbrush or make-up brush on their clit.
This is a key concept, so I'll repeat it: for me, and this guide, I am more interested in lowering times FIRST, decreasing intensity of visual stimulation SECOND, and decreasing physical stimulation THIRD. There can be some wiggle room, and not everything is linear, as I'll explain; but in general I think going from 20 minute jerk-offs (or 4+ hour goon sessions) with a tight grip and nonstop hardcore/niche porn on monday, to trying to "OFM" to girls in baggy clothes in 90 seconds on tuesday, is a recipe for not getting anywhere.
**Three Elements**
That said, progress is always non-linear. So, you'll be working through tiers. For each tier, you will:
1. Get your time down, and keep lowering it consistently
2. Then, start to experiment with less intense visual / mental stimulation
3. Then, start to experiment with less intense physical stimulation
When you are hitting all three benchmarks in a given tier, you'll move on to the next.
Ok those are the goals. Now onto the method.
**Method In Broad Strokes**
1. Take stock of where you currently are.
2. Find the highest tier you're in based on the benchmarks
3. Use that tier to set specific, concrete goals
4. Work towards those goals in the following order:A. TimeB. Visual stimulationC. Physical stimulation
5. When you reach a new benchmark, start the steps over
6. When (not if) you hit a plateau, follow the "plateau procedure"
Again, I've never written this down before, but this is basically what I'm typically, generically doing and thinking about when I'm training a friend (or enemy). I'm not always literally following the exact steps in the exact order, but it's pretty close to what I would do in the broadest of strokes.
(Also, for what it's worth, if anyone works on this constantly I'd love your feedback. I'm inventing these tiers right now based on experience, in order to help people broadly; but in my normal life I'd be setting individual goals for each individual. These might end up being a little "off" and if you find yourself stalling or hitting certain benchmarks more easily than others, I'd love to hear that.
**Tiers**
>**Tier 1 Benchmarks:**
>
>Frequency: Masturbates 3 or more times per day
>
>Time: n/a (doesn't matter)
>
>Visual stimulation: n/a (doesn't matter, can be anything)
>
>Physical stimulation: n/a (doesn't matter, can be anything)
>
>**Tier 2 Benchmarks:**
>
>Frequency: Masturbates once or twice a day, most days
>
>Time: n/a (doesn't matter)
>
>Visual stimulation: n/a (doesn't matter, can be anything)
>
>Physical stimulation: n/a (doesn't matter, can be anything)
>
>**Tier 3 Benchmarks:**
>
>Frequency: Masturbates either every other day, or 3 days a week.
>
>Time: records time consistently (time itself doesn't matter)
>
>Visual stimulation: n/a (doesn't matter, can be anything)
>
>Physical stimulation: n/a (doesn't matter, can be anything)
>
>**Tier 4 Benchmarks:**
>
>Frequency: Masturbates either every other day, or 3 days a week.
>
>Time: consistently reaches orgasm in less than 5 minutes
>
>Visual stimulation: n/a (doesn't matter, can be anything)
>
>Physical stimulation: n/a (doesn't matter, can be anything)
>
>*Note: from this point and below, the requirement for every tier is "Frequency: Masturbates either every other day, or 3 days a week, not more."*
>
>**Tier 5 Benchmarks:**
>
>Time: consistently reaches orgasm in less than 90 seconds
>
>Visual stimulation: n/a (doesn't matter, can be anything)
>
>Physical stimulation: n/a (doesn't matter, can be anything)
>
>**Tier 6 Benchmarks:**
>
>Time: consistently reaches orgasm in less than 60 seconds
>
>Visual stimulation: reaches orgasm looking at images of a single person w/o penetration
>
>Physical stimulation: n/a (*Can be anything, though this is a good place to casually practice a "loose" grip (penis) or less intense or indirect vibrations (if you have a pussy and use a vibrator).*)
>
>*Note: from this point and below, the phrase "a single person" refers to "a single person per video or image." You are keeping to softcore, not fixating on a single individual.*
>
>**Tier 7 Benchmarks:**
>
>Time: consistently reaches orgasm in less than 45 seconds
>
>Visual stimulation: reaches orgasm looking at images of a single person wearing SOME clothing on top and bottom (can be underwear or swimsuit)
>
>Physical stimulation: masturbates with thumb, index finger and middle finger only (penis) or fingers only (vagina)
>
>**Tier 8 Benchmarks:**
>
>Time: consistently reaches orgasm in less than 30 seconds
>
>Visual stimulation: reaches orgasm looking at images of a single person wearing street clothes
>
>Physical stimulation: masturbates with two fingers only (index finger and thumb or index finger and middle finger) (penis) or 1 finger only (vagina)
>
>*Note: from this point and below, the phrase "street clothes" is subjective. My metric is "an outfit that wouldn't get you kicked out of a typical restaurant where families are present"*
>
>**Tier 9 Benchmarks:**
>
>Time: consistently reaches orgasm in less than 20 seconds
>
>Visual stimulation: reaches orgasm looking at images of a single person wearing street clothes
>
>Physical stimulation: masturbates with two fingers only (index finger and thumb or index finger and middle finger) (penis) or 1 finger only (vagina)
>
>**Tier 10 Benchmarks:**
>
>Time: consistently reaches orgasm in less than 10 seconds
>
>Visual stimulation: reaches orgasm without visual stimulation
>
>Physical stimulation: masturbates with one finger only (penis) or with a make up brush only (vagina)
**Using the Tiers**
Again, the method / pattern is as follows:
1. Take stock of where you currently are.
2. Find the highest tier you're in based on the benchmarks
3. Use that tier to set specific, concrete goals
4. Work towards those goals in the following order:A. TimeB. Visual stimulationC. Physical stimulation
5. When you reach a new benchmark, start the steps over
6. When (not if) you hit a plateau, follow the "plateau procedure"
For the purposes of this guide, you want to look at the HIGHEST number tier for which you hit ALL the metrics. That is the tier you are "on." One tier below that is the tier you are "working towards."
Note that I say you need to hit ALL the metrics to be ON a given tier. What happens if you hit some metrics for one tier, but not all the metrics? As you'll see, this will often be the case, and that's a good thing. In every case, you are considered to be on the HIGHEST number tier for which you hit ALL the metrics; hitting some metrics for lower tiers is great, but doesn't mean anything in terms of your programing.
For example, lets look at tiers 5 and 6
>**Tier 5 Benchmarks:**
>
>Time: consistently reaches orgasm in less than 90 seconds
>
>Visual stimulation: n/a (doesn't matter, can be anything)
>
>Physical stimulation: n/a (doesn't matter, can be anything)
​
>**Tier 6 Benchmarks:**
>
>Time: consistently reaches orgasm in less than 60 seconds
>
>Visual stimulation: reaches orgasm looking at images of a single person w/o penetration
>
>Physical stimulation: n/a (doesn't matter, can be anything)
Lets say you time yourself and are able to cum in 54 seconds while looking at hardcore BDSM porn. You are in Tier 5, working towards tier 6, because while you meet the time metric for tier 6 (good job!), you don't yet meet ALL the metrics.
Let's look at a more extreme example.
>**Tier 3 Benchmarks:**
>
>Frequency: Masturbates either every other day, or 3 days a week.
>
>Time: records time consistently (time itself doesn't matter)
>
>Visual stimulation: n/a (doesn't matter, can be anything)
>
>Physical stimulation: n/a (doesn't matter, can be anything)
>
>**Tier 4 Benchmarks:**
>
>Frequency: Masturbates either every other day, or 3 days a week.
>
>Time: consistently reaches orgasm in less than 5 minutes
>
>Visual stimulation: n/a (doesn't matter, can be anything)
>
>Physical stimulation: n/a (doesn't matter, can be anything)
>
>**Tier 7 Benchmarks:**
>
>Time: consistently reaches orgasm in less than 45 seconds
>
>Visual stimulation: reaches orgasm looking at images of a single person wearing SOME clothing on top and bottom (can be underwear or swimsuit)
>
>Physical stimulation: masturbates with thumb, index finger and middle finger only (penis) or fingers only (vagina)
Let's say you consistently masturbate to images of a single person wearing some clothing on top and bottom, like underwear or a swimsuit. Great! You have only recently started timing yourself, and you average about 8 1/2 minutes to climax, with a best-ever time of 5:24.
You are doing awesome, but for the purposes of programing, you should consider yourself at Tier 3, working towards Tier 4. This isn't to diminish your work cumming to less intense visual stimulation! But this guide is about learning to cum faster. Following the tier system, you can stop worrying about less intense visual stimulation for a while, and focus on getting your time down for a while.
Again, as a reminder, this guide isn't one-size fits all. If you think this concept is shit, do whatever you want! I'm not your mom (unless I've explicitly told you to call me Mommy) and you can do whatever you want to do. But this is the GENERAL advice and programing I'd give to a person who wants to achieve the specific goals I outlined above. If you want something else, do something else, I won't be offended.
**Moving Up In Tiers**
**Tiers 1 - 3**
Your goal here is to work from masturbating many times a day to once every other day, or 3 days a week on scheduled days each week. (Either is fine in my opinion -- every other day is probably sightly better in general, but every 3 days can make overcoming plateaus easier so it's mostly a wash.)
* for one week, keep track of how many times you masturbate. (Generally this means orgasm, but if you do a lot of edging, count each 30 minute block as one time)
* At the end of the week make a total for the week.
* Multiply the total by .9. That is your new weekly maximum.
* Divide by 7 to get a daily maximum, if you want to
* for each following week, multiply THE WEEKLY MAXIMUM by .9 to get a new weekly maximum
* Do not multiply the number of times you masturbated by .9, I don't care about that number at all. Reduce the amount you masturbate by as much as you like. Drop down to 3x a week on week 2 if you want. But your weekly maximum goes down by 10% each week regardless.
* You are done with this sequence when you consistently masturbate every other day / on 3 scheduled days a week for 3 consecutive weeks.
*Walking, exercise, and hobbies Side-note*
For people that I coach who masturbate A LOT, their masturbation is often a way of numbing difficult emotions. Simply dropping down in frequency without doing anything else tends, in my experience, to fail spectacularly.
If you masturbate more than 7x a week, you should follow the following sequence as you follow the above sequence:
* when you determine the number of times a week you masturbate, also keep track (precisely or loosely, guesstimates are fine) of the number of MINUTES you masturbate
* As you reduce the number of times you masturbate, you are REQUIRED to replace at least 50% of that time (100% is optimal) with specific other activities.
* Walking is the default activity, and might be the best. This generally means going outside and walking, maybe listening to music or a podcast. If you can't decide, just do this.
* Other activities include any form of exercise, or any hobby where you look at your hands (drawing, journaling, sculpting, ship-in-a-bottle are ok; video games and surfing the internet do not count for this requirement)
**Tiers 4 and beyond**
Again, the method / pattern is as follows:
1. Take stock of where you currently are.
2. Find the highest tier you're in based on the benchmarks
3. Use that tier to set specific, concrete goals
4. Work towards those goals in the following order:A. TimeB. Visual stimulationC. Physical stimulation
5. When you reach a new benchmark, start the steps over
6. When (not if) you hit a plateau, follow the "plateau procedure"
We've now covered 1, 2, and 3. Now we'll work on 4, 5 and 6.
**4A. How to lower your time**
This alone is a helpful and simple method, and I bet some of you who think this guide is WAY too complicated can still benefit from this approach. Here's what you do.
Note: should be self-explanatory, but the following is intended for people who are in tier 4 or higher. If you are masturbating 3x a day, godspeed, but this will probably not be super effective.
Solo Method:
Week 1
* each time you masturbate, time yourself with a STOPWATCH
* \- the timer begins when you touch your genitals, even through clothes (this is to prevent cheating by doing a lot of stimulation through your jeans or whatever, which is counterproductive)
* \- You can look at stimulating stuff at other times, but this may cause you to go crazy or fall off the wagon (hard to advise if you don't have a partner)
* at the end of the week, average the times (add them up and divide by 3 or 4 depending)
* Multiply this number by .9 -- This is your new MAXIMUM TIME
For each following week:
* each time you masturbate, set a TIMER (not a stopwatch) for your MAXIMUM TIME.
* If you orgasm within the maximum time, great! (it's not required, but I think it's good to write down how long you took, eg {max time - time remaining on timer = session time\]
* if you do not orgasm within the maximum time, no problem! stop masturbating and wait until your next session.
* Generally, if you are following the structure, you will always cum either in the first session or the second session. This is considered "good progress"
* At the end of each week, multiply the week's MAXIMUM TIME by .9 to get next weeks new Maximum Time
* Generally there's no need to add up your times and find an average anymore, unless you find yourself consistently beating your maximum times by a huge margin (over 25%) FOR MULTIPLE WEEKS RUNNING.
* When your week's maximum time gets = to or lower than the maximum time for the Tier you are WORKING TOWARDS, set your max time at that time and keep it there.
*Partner Method:*
*As above, but with a partner you can generally go faster, especially if the partner is keeping you in a chastity device. Sometimes I will multiply the max time by other numbers, like .85 or .8, or arbitrarily drop down even lower -- and then in following weeks raise the time similarly arbitrarily. I find a more chaotic approach that trends downward is often more effective and makes my partner feel much more controlled and helpless.*
Within 2 weeks, you will either be cumming within the max time for the tier you are working towards, most of the time or all of the time, OR, you will be plateaued, only cumming every other time (and likely really frustrated).
If you are pretty consistently cumming within the max time for the tier you are working towards, keep your max time where it is and move on to decreasing visual stimulation.
If you are plateaued, do the following:
* time yourself with a stopwatch (not a timer)
* masturbate once, with the goal of cumming as fast as you can
* whatever time you get is your temporary max time, which will be consistent as you move on to decreasing visual stimulation.
**4B -** **Decreasing Visual Stimulation**
(This is identical to (but maybe slightly more detailed than) the much-misunderstood "Trigger Method" popular on this subreddit. I hate to even use that term, because people almost always get the wrong idea about what the word "trigger" means. So if you don't know what I'm talking about, just forget the word trigger.)
* keep your maximum time, as above.
* as above, if you don't cum within your maximum time, stop and wait for your next session
* Look at the requirements for visual stimulation for the tier you are working towards
* Before you start masturbating, pull up something along those lines in another window, browser tab, screen, whatever. We'll call this the LESS STIMULATING stuff.
* masturbate as normal to the stuff you normally masturbate to
* when you are close to orgasm, switch to the LESS STIMULATING stuff while you orgasm
* Over time, experiment with switching to the LESS STIMULATING stuff earlier and earlier in the session
* Eventually experiment with starting with the less stimulating stuff and looking at it the whole time.
* There is another more concrete method for this that involves two timers, but that is probably too much for most people's patience.
* DON'T: look at the less stimulating stuff to start with and switch to some other thing later.
* I don't really recommend making the LESS STIMULATING stuff something specific like belly buttons or feet or eye contact or fire hydrants if your goal is to decrease your time. (That can be fun for other games, but outside the scope of this specifci guide.)
* When you are consistently cumming to the less stimulating stuff, move on to decreasing physical stimulation
* If you go for several weeks making no progress -- consistently not cumming, or frequently only cumming on session #2 and not #1, you can move on to physical stimulation OR add time to your max time and start over.
**4C - Decreasing Physical Stimulation**
Much the same as above, but with physical stimulation.
* keep your maximum time, as above.
* as above, if you don't cum within your maximum time, stop and wait for your next session
* Look at the requirements for physical stimulation for the tier you are working towards
* masturbate as normal to the stuff you normally masturbate to
* while you masturbate, experiment with less intense grip/pressure/lower speed on vibrator
* when you are close to orgasm, switch to the LESS STIMULATING type of touching while you orgasm. Do this until you feel you are cumming normally/strongly with the less intense stimulation
* Over time, experiment with switching to the LESS STIMULATING grip/pressure earlier and earlier in the session
* (For people with vaginas, when you are moving from vibrator to fingers, take your time. This tier might be a huge challenge for you! That's fine, be patient, take it slow.)
* Eventually experiment with starting with the less stimulating grip or pressure the whole time.
* When you are consistently cumming to the less stimulating stuff, but are falling short of the tier you are working towards in terms of time or visual stimulation, return to those steps as above. It's okay for progress to be non-linear!
* If you go for several weeks making no progress -- consistently not cumming, or frequently only cumming on session #2 and not #1, you can move back to visual stimulation OR add time to your max time and start over.
Ok, I typed this all out without too much thinking about it or review. I'll probably return to it in a day or two to make refinements and possibly add examples for the last part. And obviously I'll need
Please sound off with questions, in the meantime.
And, good luck! I can't offer direct coaching, but I'd love to hear your progress in the comments.
\-Coach Sarah
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I Don't Need Your Closure
✦ Previous Chapter | Next Chapter | Better Man Universe
✦Pairing: Jake "Hangman" Seresin x Single!Mother
✦Word Count: 8.5K
✦Warnings: Fluff, Angst, mentions of SA (previous relationship), self-hate, nightmares, deployment, anxiety, slight smut, shower smut.
✦A/n: This was sitting in my drafts for the past 5 days, I couldn't write the end... but now it's here, thank the gods.
✦Library (Follow for updates! I no longer have a taglist.)
You couldn’t stop pacing; not since you woke up this morning, and you had continuously been on the move ever since. You’d woke up this morning, after tossing and turning all night, brain buzzing like a live wire.
Your sleep pattern had been erratic ever since Jake got deployed, the short two months had turned into eight months, and you were exhausted. It wasn't like you and Jake slept together; heck you weren't even actually together, but it was knowing that he was close that let you sleep, and with him gone… well your sleep disappeared too.
The two of you had been left in this weird, awkward phase after the incident happened. God, you couldn’t even think about, let alone talk about. You hadn’t told anyone what happened, and well, you and Jake hadn’t discussed it either.
I mean that could have partially been your fault, given that any time Jake called you made sure that Mathew was in the room, so he couldn't bring it up. But how else were you supposed to process it… Jake wasn’t here and well; you were so damaged that you weren’t even sure if you knew how to do the whole “relationship” thing anymore.
Though you have been having trouble sleeping in the last eight months, last night it was on a whole new level. You didn’t even know if you could consider your sleep last night, even sleeping. Given the fact that you would fall asleep for 30 minutes and then wake back up, your mind was on a constant loop that you couldn’t shut off. Not only were the nightmares insistent on ruining the state of your current mental health, but the added anxiety had completely screwed you over.
It was the constant flood of nagging questions, anxiety, confusion, and the overall terrifying feeling that your and Jake’s relationship might be forever changed after today.
Their deployment was finally up and the whole Dagger Squad was coming home today. But with the deployment ending, that meant Jake was home, and with Jake home that meant you had to have a conversation about the incident, and you just couldn't do it. Because that conversation was going to change everything.
It would change things in a way that terrified you; in a way that could mean losing Jake Seresin forever. If that was the outcome, well, you don’t think you could live through that kind of loss.
The kind of loss that was from losing the man that you think you love, but don't know how to love. Losing the one person that made you finally see the light of day. The man that had already come in and picked up all the pieces of your heart. Who had formed an amazing relationship with your son. Who loved and was loved by your son. Who had changed you so exponentially and erratically, that a life without him wouldn't be a life you wanted to live. That kind of loss would be the end of you.
When you finally left Adam, it was like a weight was lifted off your shoulders. The ending of that relationship was the best thing that could’ve ever happened to you, like you finally had a chance to restart and build a life for you and Mathew. Where you would both be safe and loved, to start anew.
But the idea of losing Jake, you were sure that outcome would destroy you. Not only you but also Mathew, the four-year-old had grown insanely attached to Jake. So much so that even with this deployment, Mathew was always asking about him and got the chance to talk to him at least once every two weeks, if not once a week.
You finally place the last book on the shelf, taking a step back, and glance to the “new spot” in which you'd place the bookshelf. You'd moved it around three times already this morning, the redecoration of your office had been the chosen form of distraction, and the new spot was technically the spot in which it started, but the activity had kept you busy, and truth be told that's the only thing keeping you at work.
You technically didn't need to be here today at all, but you wanted to finish up on paperwork for a new set of incoming recruits. Though, those plans quickly went out the window when you looked at the paperwork and all you saw was Jake. They hadn’t even been touched, which was saying a lot, given that you got here at 6:00 AM.
No one was in the office, given that the squadron was coming home. You shouldn't have even been in the office, but it was better to be here. With your mind radically spiraling, then in your own home where you saw Jake everywhere. Technically he was here too, but at least work was filled with formal Jake. Home was filled with cuddly Jake, and amazing with Mathew, Jake. It was just a lot of Jake, that made you feel things you shouldn’t.
“If you move that again, I'm calling the psychiatric doctor.”
The voice startles you and makes you jump slightly; your hard gaze crosses the room to find your sister resting against the doorway to your office.
“Yeah, I don't know how you didn't hear me or see me. I've been here since the second move of that shelf and I'm a little bit worried about you.” Her tone had remained teasing until she caught the way you couldn't stop fidgeting, and the downfall of your eyes cast to the ground.
Penny is at your side before you can even glance back up at her. Both her hands rest against your arms and rub up and down in a comforting manner.
“Y/n, what’s going on?”
You're shoulders slightly relax in her hold, though the tight smile that you try and give her only makes her worry about you more. You don't know how to talk about it, how are you supposed to tell Penny that you've been keeping a massive secret from her for eight months.
You can't help it when you start pacing again, brushing her hands off you, only to receive a loud sigh in reaction. You glance back at Penny and find her resting against your desk, silently waiting for you to tell her what the hell was going on.
The dramatic sigh you release would have been hilarious if it wasn't so serious. Deciding that it's better to just rip the Band-Aid off; quick and easy. You come to stand in front of your sister, hands resting on your hips, back straight, and trying to remain as calm as possible.
Penny gives you a reassuring smile and patiently waits for you to continue. With a deep sigh, words start tumbling out of your mouth before you can even comprehend what you're saying.
“Everything would’ve been fine; it could’ve been fine if he hadn’t kissed me. If after that first weekend that Jake met Mathew, I buried feelings and emotions and hid them deep within the ground.” You don't even realize that you've started pacing again, and the wide eyes from Penny, clearly mean she had no idea about what was going on. Your anxious pacing certainly isn’t helping her as she tries to process your words, just as fast as you say them.
“I could have hidden them and continued to have an amazing friendship with Jake. Not the relationship I want and hoped for, but at least a friendship. At least a life where Jake was a part of mine and Mathew’s everyday routine.”
And you had, you really had. You’ve done so good at hiding it, any and every emotion that wasn’t friendship, you had been able to hide from Jake for a year and a half. It killed you not to be able to hug him, love him, and express emotions like you wanted, but you weren’t sure if he liked you like that.
After that long weekend, you slowly started to pull back, well aware of every moment in which you were in each other's arms. It had been hard, but pulling away was easier than free-falling, and Jake had never said anything. He hadn't commented on how you started drifting apart. He’d never shown any emotion or any signs that he wanted anything else, anything more with you.
And now…
Your friendship had turned utterly grey when it should’ve been black and white. When you should’ve been able to separate your emotions and feelings. Not with Jake though, everything with him bled it into a mess of colors. Lines a mess, stripped and running through each other. Nowhere near the nice perfect picture you wanted; with colors that stayed in the lines and didn’t bleed.
The life that had you and Jake in the same picture, even if there was a large line separating you. Because even with that vast wasted space in between you, you still had each other. You never had to worry about stepping on each other’s toes, or whether he would get annoyed with you, or hate you, or not like you, or not love you…
Tears fall from your eyes, without you noticing. You've been so worked up that you hadn't noticed how your body started to shake and that barely any of your words were audible. That it was only a mumbled mess, and Penny had only been able to pick of random words in it.
“Hey, it’s okay sweetie.”
The heaving of your chest doesn't slow as Penny pulls you into her, rocking you slightly like she used to when you were little. One hand grasping at your back, while the other brushes your hair slightly, as she continually says that everything is going to be okay in your ear. Though it doesn't feel okay. All it feels like is that you're completely overwhelmed, and you don't know how to process it. Like your walls were caving in and no matter how hard you tried, it was going to collapse on top of you.
Like the last eight months, you've spent burying everything was for nothing because now it's all wide open for everybody to see.
“I just don't know what to do Pen. He came to say goodbye the night before his deployment, and he kissed me. He kissed me and it felt like everything was right and perfect, and then he just left. He didn't say anything; just turned and left.”
You hate the stare of pity that you get from Penny, she looks at you like if she says the wrong thing it's going to completely break you. Which it might, but that doesn't mean you want her to walk on eggshells around you.
“I’m sure he was just scared.”
You scoff slightly and your eyes roll, nearly touching the back of your head.
“This is Jake ‘Hangman’ Seresin, we're talking about Pen. I've seen that man do terrifying shit, believe me when I tell you he was not scared. I don't know what he was…”
This time it's Pennys turned to scoff at you, before going into full mom mode.
“Sweetheart, there is so much that you don't see, and you really need to talk to Jake about this.” The thought of having THIS conversation with Jake makes your anxiety spike again, and you're surprised that your bottom lip hasn't split open from the way that you've chewed on it.
“You don’t get it Pen, the only time I was able to sleep soundly was when he was in the house. When he was close by. The last eight months have been hell for me, because every night I wake up screaming. And sometimes it’s memories, but other times its Mav coming to tell me that he’s not here anymore. That something went wrong, and that Jake died. And those dreams, those are so much worse than the memories… and that’s saying something when you’ve been through everything I have.”
Your breathing doesn't slow, as you start pacing again, the onset of your panic attack is noticeable, but you can't stop it. Your glossed-over eyes don't know where to look because everything's a blur, and you can't stop the tears from running down your face. The slight shake of your arms has you gripping your shoulders, as you kneel down against the wall, back pressed in trying to ground yourself.
The continuous audio in your head of Adam screaming at you, and telling you how you weren't worth loving. That no one would ever love you, and that you were a waste of space. The emotions and feelings seep back in, of how he hurt you. How the bruises and cuts might have been healed, but your heart had never healed. Sure, Jake picked up the pieces and glued you back together, but he didn't understand the real damage. The internal damage that kept you lying awake at night. It was incessant and ever-looming, just waiting for the right moment.
You are damaged beyond repair, and you couldn't understand why everybody in your life claimed to love you, when you couldn't even love yourself. And if you couldn't even love yourself, how could Jake ever. But even if he ever did, you couldn’t let him see the real you, because the real you wasn’t worth it.
The shuttering in your shoulders hadn't stopped, but the tears had finally stopped falling and as you look up at Penny who has tears in her own eyes, the only emotion you can feel is vacancy.
“I love Jake, but I don’t know how to be loved or love anymore. That part of me hid away a long time ago, and I'm terrified that I'm never going to get it back.”
It's a number of sweet nothings that fall from Penny's lips, as she grasps onto you and pulls you into her chest. The both of you calming, safely resting in your big sister’s arms. The anxiety and stress drain from your body, though an overwhelming tiredness consumes you, and at some point, you fall asleep.
A welcomed dreamless sleep, one that you don't wake up screaming from.
…
“I haven’t seen her like this since we were kids. She used to have really bad nightmares when dad got deployed, but this … It scared me.”
Jake's eyes cast back to your sleeping form on the floor of your office, the setting sun peers through the window and even in your current state, Jake still thought you looked absolutely gorgeous.
“Is this the only breakdown she's had?” He doesn't mean for his tone to come off harsh, but he's a man in love and insanely protective.
“She said that she's been having nightmares again, but the way she described them… it's been bad Jake and she's been doing it alone. Because she doesn't think she's worth telling anyone.”
Penny can't stop the onset of tears, as she watches her baby sister sleep. Still reeling from the information that she learned and wondering what in the world your ex had done to you, that made you think so harshly about yourself.
“I don't know what happened to her in Florida, but when Bradley brought her home, she didn't talk for a week, and when she finally did start talking it was like nothing happened.”
The new information makes Jake's breath hitch slightly; Rooster hadn't gone into direct details about what happened when he brought you home. Jake knew it was bad, but to hear the raw details like that, felt like a knife had been plunged through his chest.
“I didn't see my little sister for months, she was only a shell of the girl she used to be, and then you show up. Whatever you did brought back a light in her. But after what I just saw, just heard, I’m terrified that it is, or it already has completely gone out.”
Penny's gaze cuts back from you to Jake, and her eyes pierce through his soul. He'd never seen Penny so heartbroken; in all the time he's been a Top Gun, Jake had never seen the oldest Benjamin so lost.
“I don't know all the details of what happened between you two, but she thinks that you don't have any feelings for her. Which I know is a goddamn lie, but she believes with her whole heart that she is not worth it. That she doesn’t deserve to be loved.” Penny breathes in a shattered breath as she tries to collect her thoughts, eyes closing for a moment still processing all the new information.
“I know that you can't make her change your mind, but she needs to know. Because right now she's terrified of losing you, and that thought alone has sent her spiraling, so deep into a black hole that she can't dig herself out. So, you have to, and if you can't, you need to tell me right now.”
The overwhelming sense of love and pure heartache that echo through the hollows of Jake’s heart, has the lump in his throat catching. A silver mist of tears lines his eyes, begging to fall, and as he watches the steady breathing flow in and out of your chest, they do. A sharp breath is sucked in, his hand quick to wipe away the stray tear, and his eyes never leave your broken form.
“She’s, my girl.” The statement has a shutter breath gasping from his chest, “guess it’s time I buck up and make it official.”
The harsh laugh that falls from Jake’s chest, is only to hide the pain he feels. The pain that he's caused you, not only the kiss but waiting so long. The time that he spent waiting for you to make the move when in reality you needed him to make it. To tell you that you were enough and that you were worth the love.
“Umm… Do you know where Maty is?”
A happy laugh falls from Penny’s chest as Jake asks the question, of course, Matthew was the main priority right up next to you.
“Yeah, he’s with mom and dad, but Amelia wanted to watch him tonight. I can go over and pick him up, don't worry about him.” Penny sees the slight apprehension on Jake's face.
“I always worry about him.” His statement is firm and not meant to be questioned.
Eye contact between the two is understanding, Jake had worried about Mathew just as much as Penny ever worried about Amelia. Penny knew then, that whether Mathew was blood-related or not to Jake, he was his son.
“I know, but I can handle tonight. I just need you to be there for Y/n.”
The gentle squeeze of the hand that Penny gives Jake, is a silent welcome. It was like at that moment before anyone else knew, Penny had declared Jake a part of the Benjamin family.
…
The soft stroke of your hair pulls you from the deep sleep, and your headaches slightly from the tears that you had shed. You're unsure if it's your mind playing tricks on you, or if he's actually here, if he is actually back. These last eight months have been rough, and your mind had started playing games on you.
Nights that you thought that he was with you, were only a harsh reminder to you when you woke up, and he was gone still. Though the familiar smell of jet fuel mixed in with his cologne is lulling you into a false state of comfort and ease.
The clench of your eyes shut tighter, gives you away, signally that you were awake. Though you were too afraid to open your eyes, too scared that the presence you thought was there would disappear. That Jake would still be gone. Though you're even more scared of the conversation that's sure to ensue if the presence really is Jake.
“Sweets, wake up for me baby.”
The sound of his voice has you gasping, as your eyes fly open, and once again tears stream down your face. The choked sound of the sob that leaves your chest, is more than enough motivation for Jake to grip onto you and pull you to him.
“I’m here, Sweets.”
And though the statement should comfort you, it only has your tears falling harder and faster. And even though you know you shouldn't, even though you're terrified of the outcome, you can't stop your hands from gripping onto his shirt. You hold on to him like he could slip between your fingers and fade away at any moment.
The stroke of Jake's hand through your hair and the tracing of his finger up your spine comforts you. Soothing your sobs momentarily as the both of you sit in silence, clinging to one another. If only, for just this moment.
…
You're not sure how much time has passed, but you know that your knees ache from the kneeling position that you're in. You know that it had to be a substantial amount of time as the white tee shirt you're pressed into against jake's chest, is completely soaked with your tears.
Even though you don't want to, even though you wish that you could stay in this specific moment forever, you pull away. Your eyes focus and you find his emerald, green pair watching you.
Though they don't hold the same light happy nature you're used to, tears streamed down from his face and that emerald green that's usually so bright and happy is surrounded by sorrow and sadness. A pain that strikes you right to your core.
“Jake” His name barely slips past your lips before you're gasping for breath and crying again, your chest shuddering and shaking as your emotions take over once again. Though this time it's not Penny trying to smooth you.
It's Jake, your Jake.
Who has been gone so long, but now is here in your arms holding you and pressing gentle kisses against the crown of your head. He was actually home.
Even though your mind is screaming at you to pull away, to pull up the walls once again. Your heart craves Jake, and you can’t stop yourself from melting in his hold.
“Sweets, let’s go home.”
You pull away from Jake before quietly questioning him, “Together?”
The pain is clear in your voice, and the sight of your near-trembling lip would break Jake altogether. But he finally had your tears subsiding, and he wasn’t going to risk you getting triggered by his own tears.
“Of course.”
His voice is steady and calming, as his hand comes up to brush a stray hair from your face, you can’t stop yourself from nuzzling into his palm.
“Darlin’ home is wherever, as long as it’s with you.”
His words sink deep in your chest, and you wonder if he means them, the same way that you do, when you mutter, ‘You are my home’ quietly against his palm.
Jake helps you up, the waver in your legs would send you tumbling if Jake's hands weren’t securely wrapped around your waist.
Though as if your standing, triggered the fog filling your mind to fade away, a harsh gasp slips from your lips, and you’re consumed with guilt.
“Mathew, oh my god..”
Before you can once again tumble into despair, Jake softly lifts your chin, and your eyes meet.
“Already taken care of darin’.”
The question of how forms on your lips, but is forgotten as Jake places a kiss on your forehead.
“He’s staying the night at Penny’s, he was my top priority, right next to you.”
He’s words warm your chest, and once again you remember why you, quite possibly love this man. Though your mind hastily ignores the thought, as it enters your mind.
“I miss the bug, but getting to have you to myself for one night is worth it.”
“Jake –”
“Not till we get home, Sweets.”
…
The drive home passes quickly with Jake driving your car, and you can't help but feel slightly bad, after all, he just got back from an 8-month deployment. You’re positive that he is shattered, considering the dark circles under his eyes, and you know that he came straight to you, considering the fact that his pack is now in your back seat, and he is still in his flight suit.
The feeling doesn't sit well in the base of your gut, and the anxiety of once again, of not being enough circulated through your mind. If you wouldn’t have been such a mess, then Jake wouldn’t need to be taking care of you. He shouldn’t have to be away for months on end, working his ass off, and have to come home to this.
You should be taking care of Jake. You should have been driving him home and already had dinner ready, but instead, you’ve failed once again. Only proving that each comment Adam ever said to you was true.
Jake pulls into your drive, and you’re so consumed with your doubt that you don’t even notice that you’ve parked until Jake opens your door. His palm faces up and waits for you to grasp it. When you do, Jake is quick to shut your door and rest you back against it. His eyes hold nothing but warmth and concern for you, though you can’t see it.
“Darlin’ you’re thinkin’ so loud, it’s given me a headache.”
At the sound of you causing him stress, your head snaps up and you start profusely apologizing. Which only concerns Jake more, you were usually always snapping back at his sarcasm, and given the way you’ve continued to mutter apologies at him, he knows that you’ve fallen in deep.
The quiet drive home didn’t sit well with him, it was unusually tense and not the peaceful silence that was always between the two of you.
No, this silence was heavy and made him feel like you were slowly slipping away. Forgoing grabbing his pack, Jake slips his hand in your own and tugs you up the walk. Unlocking the door with the keys, he had gotten from you back on base and ushers you into the kitchen. The continued silence worries him, Penny’s words ringing loud in his ear.
She didn’t talk for a week, then it was as if nothing happened.
He can't handle the thought of you going silent on him, of you in so much pain that speaking is too much work. You stand there so still and silent in the middle of the kitchen, completely numb and unmoving to the outside world.
“Sweets?” His soft voice and the brush of his hand against your cheek pulls you out of the daze. A soft hum falls from your lips in acknowledgment, though you say nothing else.
“Baby, what do you need? Please talk to me.”
You'd never heard Jake sound so desperate, like whatever you said to him would either make or break him.
“I … I –”
It doesn't surprise you when both of Jake's hands come to rest against your cheeks, tilting your head up so you're looking him directly in the eyes. He can see it in your eyes, the pain that you're swimming in, practically drowning.
“Darlin’ what do you need, ignore the thoughts, and the outside world. Baby, it's just us.”
Your eyes never falter as you stare at Jake, his presence automatically calmed you after the last eight months, and suddenly you don't care.
Your mind had been too much and all you wanted was Jake. You know it'll kill you tomorrow when you've got a clear mind, but in this moment you can't care. Because of the way you are spiraling, the hateful words and memories from your past we're consuming you, if you didn't stop it, it would only lead to disaster.
For the first time tonight, a small glint in your eye reappears. A small hope for Jake that you would be okay.
“I need you.”
And without a second thought for the repercussions, your arms wrap around Jake’s neck and pull his lips down to slot against your own. Eight months had been a long time, but his lips against yours felt just like you remembered. They fit perfectly against your own, though now slightly chapped, no doubt from the incessant way that he licked his lips when they started to dry.
And just as quick as it started, Jake was pulling away. His hands remained on your hips, keeping you close but far enough away that he could look you in the eyes. He almost feels like an asshole, when a flash of pain crosses your face, and you start pulling farther away from him.
“Nope, no. Darlin’ look at me, we're fixing this right now.”
The harsh tone of his voice makes you whimper, and Jake actively curses himself for using such a rough tone with you, but he needed your attention, he needed you to listen. One of his hands leaves your hips and comes to rest just under your chin, which had settled facing downward. Jake's thumb and forefinger gently nip at your chin before tilting it up, giving you no choice but to look at him.
“This is in no way how I wanted to go about this, but Penny told me some things darlin’ and I can't leave words left unsaid anymore. Not when you're in pain because of me.”
The only thoughts passing through your mind are, ‘this is it, this is the end…’ The pain of the thought is too much, and your lip starts to slightly tremble as you wait for Jake to make the final blow.
“Sweetheart, when I kissed you right before we left, it wasn't some quick decision. I kissed you because I couldn't take the risk of dying, and never knowing what we felt like.” The sharp intake of air you breathe has Jake worried and his own follows suit. If he hadn’t been clutching onto you for dear life, he was sure that he would’ve been pacing. His own anxiety trigging his hand to brush back through his hair, before settling. “And damn it, you felt like utter perfection against me, but then I realized how I'd broken a promise. A promise I made to never rush you into anything or throw my feelings at you, without you doing it first, and so, I left. Like a damn idiot, I left.”
The tremble of your lips only quickens, as your once slackened hands raise up to brush against Jake's cheeks, wiping away the stray tears that have fallen. He nuzzles into the palm of your hand only slightly, before placing a quick kiss on it.
“Sweets… I decided then, that if I died, it would be okay. Because at least for a moment, no matter how small it was, I had perfection.”
The statement makes your heart speed, the realization slowly setting in that the kiss wasn’t a fluke, and that Jake had meant it. That everything you felt wasn’t one-sided, and it should have been enough to stop you from the slew of harsh words racing through your mind. The fact that Jake liked you should have been able to pull you out of the darkness, but it hadn’t.
“You don’t want me, Jake.” The harsh gasp that leaves your chest turns into a failed laugh and Jake had never seen you so in doubt of yourself. “I’m so fucking broken, and I don’t know if I can be fixed.”
The palm that rests against your cheek flexes momentarily. Jake hated everything you just said, you had no right to tell him whether he wanted you or not.
“Darlin’ I will always want you.”
“You shouldn’t have to be with damaged goods, you’re worth more than that.”
You would have been scared if he was Adam because the noise that releases from Jake’s chest is full of anger and pain. The fire reignites in his eyes, and even if you wanted to look away you couldn’t. Not when his eyes watched you with such passion.
“Y/n Charlotte Benjamin, I don’t care if you have never listened to me or if you never listen to me again, but you will listen to me right now.” The authority in his voice has you reaching out to him, grasping his left hand in between your own and you give him a nod to continue. “You and Mathew are the best thing that has ever happened to me, over my career and my rank, against everything you are the best. Now, I don’t know everything that happened to you, and I will never make you tell me, but darlin’ I will spend the rest of my life making sure you realize your worth.” His words pause for a moment, caught in his throat as Jake tries to hold himself together. “Sweets, you might be broken, but mosaics are some of the most beautiful pieces of work.”
This time Jake doesn’t pull away when you kiss him. His arms wrap around your waist, grasping at your form in any way, and needing to pull you into him. To consume you whole, and never let go.
The kiss is slow and thought out, every move of the lips is like a dance between the two of you. The softness with which you started to kiss is completely forgotten, as your arms wrap around Jake’s neck and pull him in closer. With everything in your being, you hope that those words that you can’t say yet are passing through and that Jake understands.
Your fingers card through the hair at the base of his neck and tug, and your toes curl at the moan that Jake releases against your lips. A matching moan falls from you, when Jake nips at your bottom lip, before moving from your lips and kissing down your jawline.
Your head tips back in delight and your eyes roll closed, overwhelmed with Jake, but also needing more. The whine that leaves your lips as Jake pulls away is loud and causes Jake to smirk down at you. Causing the blush on your cheeks to deepen, and the warmth from your face slides down, burning into your skin like a wildfire consumes the brush.
Jake’s breath pants out against your lips, unsteady as he leans his forehead against your own. His hands rub up and down your arms, squeezing gently as they go, and his eyes watch you. Patiently waiting to see if you’ll pull away, or if you wanted this just as much as he did.
Jake finds no trace of doubt in your mind, you still weren’t his bubbly girl, that teased and poked at him, but you were here.
Here with him, and no longer pulling away.
“Darlin’ we need to get you in the shower,” His hand comes up to brush along your brow, before placing a kiss where his thumb had just been. “You go and relax, wash everything down the drain, and I’ll find a movie for after.”
The thought of a shower sounded like heaven, your skin had gotten slightly sticky after the cold sweat that broke out across your body, but you didn’t want to leave Jake right now. You couldn’t leave Jake right now; you were sure that your body and mind wouldn’t allow it.
“Want you.” The statement is so quiet and simple, but the way you look at Jake makes him easily complaint.
“I know sweets, but you need to wash up. I promise after you get out, that you can have me all you want.”
“No,” You’re stubborn and for a moment Jake expects you to stomp your foot, “I want you to come with me, don’t wanna be away from you.”
His eyes watch you, waiting for you to realize what you’re asking for, then to backtrack, but you don’t. Your eyes stay firmly on him, waiting for him to answer.
“Sweets, you want me to come in the shower with you?”
A nod against his chest is the only answer Jake gets before you pull him with you toward the bathroom. You couldn’t understand it, but deep within you, you need Jake next to you. Not just in the house, but his skin on yours, constantly touching.
It might have been needy of you and moving way too fast, but you couldn’t find it in yourself to care.
Jake shuts the door behind both of you and reaches into the shower to turn it on. Your form stays stationed in the middle of the bathroom, and you watch his movements with a slight pout. You had never been the type that liked to be babied, but all you wanted was for Jake to take care of you. To focus all of his attention on you, and you, alone.
You follow his movements around the bathroom, the stretch of the white tee shirt against his back has a heat pooling in your core. One that most defiantly shouldn’t be there, not at a time like this, when you had been bawling for the past twelve hours. But the way in which Jake tied his flight suit around his waist and with his usually perfect hair is a mess, from Jake raking his hand through it, sets off a deep need within you.
“Sweets, you need to get naked if you’re getting in.” The glance over his shoulder stops the teasing tone in its tracks. Jake's words fail him, as he sees the look in your eyes. It’s the same one that you had when you got drunk and kissed him. He knew that look and lord, it was going to take all of his strength not to take you.
A groan falls from his lips, as you lift your arms and mutter out a ‘you’ to him. You stay still, waiting for him to come to you and comply with your demand. He walks towards you so slowly that you think you may burst, though when Jake’s hands find your hips, the hum you give him in return is enough of a go-ahead for him to pull the shirt from your body. His eyes never leave your own, though your chest slightly heaves in anticipation of being with Jake like this. So bare and exposed, in more ways than the literal sense.
Your hair is a mess upon your head, the strand falling around your face with the removal of your shirt. Jake's hand comes up to brush a few strands from your face before his palm finds home on your cheek again and his thumb creases over your lips.
It’s soft and delicate, he’s trying to be the perfect gentleman with you. Though it’s like you’ve lost complete control of your body, and even if you wanted to stop it, which you don’t, you couldn’t. As Jake smooths his thumb over your bottom lip for the last stroke, your lips slip open, and you take his thumb into your mouth. Your lips close around him, eyes fluttering closed, and suck.
“Fuck”
The curse is enough for your eyes to open, though you don’t release his thumb. As your eyes flutter up to meet his piercing green ones, you scrap your teeth gently over the pad of his thumb, then suck again to soothe it.
The grunt that echoes through the steamed bathroom makes your toes curl, and as you pull your mouth off Jake, the sweetest smile graces your face, your bottom lip bitten and yet so innocent.
“Hi.”
The straps of your bra slip from your shoulders, and while holding the front to you, you reach behind you to flick the band open. The sound has Jake’s eyes moving down momentarily before he corrects himself and stares into your eyes.
“Darlin’.”
The warning tone only makes you giggle, as you drop the bra to the ground, and take a step closer to Jake, tugging at his white shirt.
“Maybe you should take the shower alone, Sweets.”
Jake's eyes settle on the wall just above your head, his hands no longer sit at your hips, but clenched in fists at his sides. The smile on your face instantly drops at his words, your hands move to cover your chest, and you instantly feel unwanted once again. You shake your head, appalled at your stupidity. You've clearly taken it too far when you didn't mean to, and you can feel yourself shrink back. Embarrassed about how you've just acted and wishing that you were just invisible.
“I'm really sorry, I just –” the words catch in your throat and make you feel even more pitiful. “I don't know what came over me. I just needed you…” you stutter slightly tripping over your words, and as Jake lifts your chin to look at him the tears fall.
“Oh, sweetheart.”
Jake steps forward to pull you into his chest though before he can grab you, you're stepping back, and a flash of hurt crosses his face.
“I can't talk when you're holding me, you make me feel things and everything gets all discombobulated in my head.”
Jake only relaxes slightly, as he moves back to lean against the door and gives you as much space as possible. His brow furors and the lines on his forehead crease, a clear indication that his mind is running wild, just as fast as yours.
“I needed you… I need you. It’s this deep ache in my chest, one that I need you to fix, but I don’t know how. Things happened; he did things that are still burned into my skin, I can still feel him, and I hate it.”
If you hadn’t been so hyper-aware, you would have missed the way Jake stiffened. Not at your need for him, but when you mention Adam and what happened.
“Sweets, if I could erase everything that he did to you I would. You’ve no idea how bad I want to kill him–”
Jake cuts himself off before he can be consumed with rage and moves toward you again. This time you don’t move and welcome the hand that comes to brush against your cheek. Your eyes fall shut, as Jake wraps you in his arms and tucks you safely into his chest.
“I don’t know how to be loved, Jake.” Your voice is muffled into his shirt, but he still hears you.
“I know, Sweets.”
The hand tracing up and down your spine never falters, though the words aren’t what you want to hear.
“No Jake, I don’t know how.” You pull back from him so that he can see the desperation, and need in your eyes. “But I… I want to love you.”
“Okay, then let me take the pain. Please darlin’. Let me replace all of those bad memories and those feelings that are burned into your skin. Baby please, just let me erase the pain.”
“And tomorrow, we can talk about everything else.”
Without a second thought, your head nods, wanting nothing more than for Jake to encase you completely. You needed him to replace the pain and ghost of unwanted hands; to be the remedy to your broken shell.
The hand grasping at your back moves up, slowly tracing your bare skin and memorizing every dip and divot. As if it was the first time that Jake had ever touched you, had ever truly got to breathe you in. Your breath only picks up slightly, as your forehead rests against his chest, and quiet pants fall from your lips and into his chest. The both of your breaths sync in pace, as goose bumps line your skin.
Your once-dormant hands rise and grip onto Jake's white shirt. You twist the material in your hands, and it strains across Jake’s chest, the conscious part of your brain grasping at anything to ground yourself. Though the ghost of his lips over your neck, has a whimper leaving your lips as your head dips back and exposes your neck to Jake.
The drag of Jake’s nose against your neck has your toes curling. His breathing, is hot against your neck as he litters it with delicate kisses, pausing occasionally to place open-mouth kisses on your pulse point.
Though the kisses are sweet, the occasional nip of his teeth confirms that he is leaving marks along his path. Though you can’t find it in yourself to tell Jake to stop, even if it was against work policy, you would never stop Jake from marring your skin.
No, these ones you wanted. You craved the way in which they healed you.
Your need to touch Jake is no longer fulfilled by the soft cotton wrapped tightly around your hands. You tug up on the fabric, and Jake's tan skin peeks out as a tease, taunting you. Though Jake is quick to tug his shirt up and off when a whine falls from your lips.
Jake watches as your hands make contact with his stomach muscles, and a soft smile forms on your face as you trace the ridges. The sharp breath Jake sucks in when you trace along his pant line, causes you to giggle and trace along his v-line once more.
The light filling your eyes as you glance back up to Jake has his heart clenching. The steam of the shower surrounds you both and your hair is slightly damp, sticking to your face in places. It was too early, too fast, for Jake to utter that four-letter word to you, but he’d never been more sure than in that moment.
The smile creasing your face only widens, when Jake’s hands slip up to your cheeks. Cupping them and tugging you up slightly, as he dips to meet your lips in a passionate kiss. Only pulling back when you both have to gasp for breath, though neither of your gazes leaves the other.
The green of Jake’s eyes had never appeared so bright as they did now, resting against each other’s foreheads and inhaling the importance of each other’s presence. The kiss that Jake brushes against your brow, is more than enough to confirm that the feeling you share is real. That for once, you both are exposing yourselves completely and surrendering, only to be met with a returned passion, one that could no longer be hidden.
“My girl.”
The statement is muttered against your lips, as one of Jake's hands comes up to trace patterns along your cheek. Though you had heard Jake say it about you an endless number of times, this one wasn’t just a statement, but a defined claim over your mind, body, and soul.
“Yours, for as long as you want me.”
“Darlin’ I want you for eternity, and then some.”
…
You couldn’t remember how either of you got out of the rest of your clothes and into the shower, but the cascade of warm water against your back has you melting. Your hand remains intertwined in Jake's hair, gives a slight tug, and has Jake falling into the water with you. Your lips never separate, as you relinquish all control over to Jake, and the dip of his tongue into your mouth has your toes curling.
Jake’s hands slowly wander, no longer held by the confines of your clothing, and adamant about familiarizing himself with every part of you. The ghost of his fingertips sliding up between your thighs, has a gasp falling from your lips. The sound is devoured by Jake’s lips, as he grazes your heat, teasingly tracing and collecting your slick. Before he finds purchase on your clit and rolls the nub in gentle figure eights.
Your head falls back against the tile, disconnecting your lips as the pleasure consumes you, and you find a smirking Jake watching you. Words try and form on your lips, though the increase of speed, only has incoherent mumbles bubbling from your chest. Your body tenses against the wall, the extension of your toes has you rising, and Jake settles an arm around your waist, pulling you flush against his body.
You hadn’t been intimate with anyone since Adam, and as you watch Jake, you’re thankful that you finally coming apart is at his hands. The green of his eye’s never wavering from your own, as your breathing becomes erratic and the one hand around your waist rises to crease your cheek.
“I’ve got you, Sweets. Let go.”
You hadn’t realized you needed it, but the reassurance from Jake has you crashing into the waves. A gasp and partial cry leave your chest and has you grasping onto Jake. Your hands shake as you grasp onto his shoulders, the hand that had been between your legs wraps around you and tugs you fully into his chest.
Your tears mix with the water as it washes over the both of you, and Jake's hold tightens on you as he feels your chest shake against his own. You can’t get close enough to him, and as you nuzzle into Jake’s neck, he notices your slight whimpers. His hands slip from your waist and tap lightly at your butt, a silent request that you happily comply with.
Your arms wrap tightly around Jake's neck, as he holds you as if you weigh nothing, before turning the shower off. You pull back from the comfort of his neck and receive a sweet gentle kiss, your lips crease each other and work in slow tandem.
Pulling back from the kiss, you giggle slightly as Jake peppers kisses across your cheeks and nose. He only stops when a full laugh falls from your chest and you beg him to stop. The cheeky smirk that he gives you warms your heart, and you decide that it’s one of your favorite looks on Jake.
Jake easily removes you both from the shower, never faltering as he heads back into your room and delicately sets you on the bed. He moves to grab you a towel, though you don’t miss the fact that he is excruciatingly hard. The fact isn’t hidden well when Jake shows up with a towel now around his waist and wraps another around you.
Your hand creeps up to rest at the top of Jake's towel and give it a tug, as his form stands over you, while you kneel on your bed. A light chuckle bubbles from Jake, and his free hand comes to cup your cheek, lovingly tracing tiny patterns.
“We’ve got plenty of time for that, Sweets. Right now, I just want to hold my girl.”
You nuzzle into his hands and place a kiss in the palm, before glancing back up and only finding love in Jake’s eyes.
“Thank you.”
No reply is given to you, other than a soft kiss and Jake crawling into your bed, pulling you up with him to lay against his chest. His arms wrap around you, and the warmth of his body relaxes you, like an invisible shield of protection.
“Sleep darlin', I’m home.”
For the first time in eight months, you slept peacefully through the night; nightmares and memories evading you completely.
#jake seresin x you#better man universe#better man updates#jake hangman seresin x you#jake seresin#jake hangman seresin#jake seresin fluff#jake hangman x you#jake seresin x reader#jake seresin angst#hangman x reader#hangman top gun#top gun: maverick#top gun#top gun hangman#top gun maverick#top gun imagine
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[Bad end au 2] A sleepless night
Part 1
‘I love the fact that I can look into your eyes and see nothing but lies…’
Two weeks before Dark Sun kickdrop Nexus for Sun.
The sound of dripping water disturbed Sun’s already fragile sleep.
The lily-colored animatronic groaned lazily on the bed, its metallic senses sinking deep into the soft quilt, struggling like a lazy child refusing to wake up.
The dim electric blue light covered Sun’s small, narrow room like a curtain, reflecting the solitude of its owner, when the most prominent thing in this room was only a few plum blossom petals that Molten had collected and placed on Sun’s desk.
Sun couldn’t sleep. The robot didn’t need to sleep, but closing his eyes and turning off the power still brought about a certain feeling of comfort.
It was just that… The tasks that Father assigned piled up on top of each other, spinning Sun around like a pinwheel, to the point that even when Sun lay down, his interface system still popped up with painful notifications of things to do.
And today was one of those days when the restlessness Sun shouldn’t have felt in his chest suddenly became more intense, like the way the sensor in his abdomen contracted, rolling as if someone’s nails were scratching it, or the screws in his body suddenly became too heavy, too wobbly for Sun’s liking.
Putting his hand on his chest, Sun realized that his fan was too hot. The warmth radiating from the metal casing tickled Sun’s fingers, making him unconsciously press harder, as if testing whether the heat would melt his hand.
His claws leisurely ran along the gold plating, slowly spreading up his neck, touching the red tassel and pressing down hard.
‘It’s hard to imagine what would happen if he squeezed harder.’
Sun thought absentmindedly, as his hands gently caressed and drew the joints of his neck. The cold hard steel, with its circular patterns and sturdy screws, held the wire he walked in one direction. He could almost feel the heat of the electricity running, the clocks and gears slowly turning to simulate the biological mechanism of a human.
The child whose neck he had broken the day before didn't have time to scream, nor did it shed a drop of blood. Just a stiff crunch of broken bones and a panicked wheeze, mixed with the tears of the small hand trying to reach Sun's arm before it stopped.
It was almost like a hug when Sun wrapped his arms around the child's neck. Soft, small and warm, and then there was no warmth left. Even as he ran his arms through the child's hair or held it completely in his arms, what he touched was still numb as ice, cold as winter seawater, and stiff as a machine.
Sun had kept the child like that for almost a day before Father came to make him throw it away. ‘It was so unhygienic’, that's what he was told when his Father threw the child into the blender.
‘Where do you think the fertilizer for my potted plants comes from, you stupid child.’ Creator pointed to the lush, mutated potted plants that grew twisted and twisted all over their lair, to the ancient tree beside the bridge that swirled with dark water below.
‘Soul for energy, flesh and blood for fertilizer, and bones for materials.’
‘It seems that despite all the modifications, you are still making me feel so disappointed…’
Creator’s voice hummed, and in that dark darkness, Sun was not alone. Something writhed and trembled, the cries of trapped remnants, cracked skulls staring intently at him—
Sun was released about a day later.
The blood was something sweet and dirty, it was slippery and sticky on Sun’s metal skin, dripping with every step he took.
And the smell was the worst. Like rotten pizza and rotten fish, Sun couldn’t wash away the smell even after using countless detergents.
Sun didn’t remember how long it took him to clean and dispose of all the meat stuck to his bell after he crawled out of the hole…
***
“Do you want to get out yet, my boy?”
The Creator’s voice was sweet as honey but full of venom. The brain looked down at the yellow animatronic covered in blood that was trembling non-stop, but still couldn’t drop something like a child’s skull in his arms.
“Then bring Lunar to me.”
***
Squirming to sit up, Sun didn’t think he could lie down any longer, as his processor was now repeating the image of maggots crawling on him for the nth time.
He really didn’t know what to do… Capture Lunar?
Lunar was much stronger than Sun… And the boy was smart too… There was no way Sun could fool his little brother.
And he didn’t want to…
The dilemma made him fiddle with the bandage wrapped around his hand. The red smelled rancid, but Sun still wrapped the soft fabric around his fingertips and pulled.
He would rather be destroyed again than to choose something like this.
In truth, Sun didn’t like any of what his father had ordered.
It was wrong in every way, and Lunar was someone he never wanted to hurt.
But every time he thought like that, something was washed through his system, and the desire to obey his father grew stronger and stronger, making the morality Sun tried to cling on withered.
Sun didn’t understand why in the past, he could scream and curse at his father as much as possible but now, just a shake of the head from Creator was enough to make his 1 and 0 coded heart cringe.
Follow, follow, follow, that's what his head and code table whispered, it was almost like an addiction, the excitement and joy of completing what his father asked.
And Sun was always the one to follow, and no matter how much he resisted, he still couldn't fight back.
Because father is family.
And it's better to be a heartless dog than to make his father sad.
Maybe being broken would be easier to fix than this. Sun sighed, standing up. The wandering thoughts in his head made Sun wish that if there was something that could help him manage both, both pleasing Creator and keeping Lunar safe, then Sun would be satisfied.
His feet touched the cold floor, the sound of metal clanking as Sun carefully opened the door and stepped out.
The cold wind blew through him, blowing cold air onto Sun's rays.
The smooth whiteness flowed like silk into his vision. The silence was as bleak as a mirror, following the corner of Sun's feet. Father was probably out with his friend somewhere, or still busy in the lab.
Sun alone, toiling, wandering, perhaps cleaning up again if he got too bored, though Sun usually tried not to. More or less, this was the only free time he had when Father wasn't sending him and Molten off to some unknown time and space to find something or deal with someone his brain desired.
He tried to hum a tune, but sadly, there was nothing in his head right now. The sound of running water grew louder, as he stepped onto the bridge.
The echoes echoed along with the sound of the bells wrapped around Sun's wrists, bouncing off the steel on the bridge. The cool scent of water tickled his sensory system, caressing the golden animatronic’s back as the green leaves gently brushed against Sun’s light.
It was 4am, his internal clock system announced softly. The water flowed gently, bottomless, pitch black and glowing with chemical green. The flower petals drifted, occasionally a plum blossom petal would touch Sun’s shoulder, the playful lines on the hem of his skirt wrapped around his waist.
Sun was lost in thought, but there was really nothing on his mind.
It was just the familiar feeling of stagnation that even cleaning had lost its charm, not after he had scrubbed this lair more than a dozen times a day. The wind blew, the waves rolled, and everything drifted out of Sun’s control like some planet lost its orbit.
“So this is what you do when our esteemed father lets you rest?”
“Pathetic. Can’t you think of anything more helpful to our Creator, Sun?”
Sun didn’t even need to look. His audio processor could have picked up that arrogant and even-tempered tone anywhere.
“Oh, Goliath. Didn’t see you there? Heh… What business does our father have with me?”
The silence of the gears slowly turning against each other. A harsh growl answered, as rough as gravel being crushed into dust.
“… No.”
“So you came out here on your own?” Sun raised an eyebrow, his pearly eyes narrowing in amusement, ignoring the instinct that told him not to provoke the sleeping lion, or this time, a gorilla.
“Whoa! And I thought you only knew how to follow the Creator’s orders and turn off the power? How amazing.”
“Congratulations, you finally have thoughts on your own.”
Sun was genuinely surprised by his counterpart’s actions, but the words he uttered under the influence of his lack of a personality chip made his words sound rather sarcastic.
And honestly, Sun didn’t care if Goliath decided to strangle him here.
“Shut your mouth. You’re the last person I want to hear that come out of your mouth. I’m not here to entertain an inferior thing like you.”
The giant animatronic, with a haughty and disdainful look, stared at him as if he were looking at an ant on the ground, or a puppy that had been hit by a car and the vet had long gone to sleep, leaving it to writhe and bleed on the side of the road to dead.
Sun just sighed, compared to what Goliath usually said, this could be considered the gentlest. The gorilla seemed to be in some sort of moody mood as well, as they too turned their gazes to the river like him, saying nothing, only their processors making clicking noises of recognition.
“So Goliath… If not because Father wants to see me… What are you doing here?”
The silence was a perfect chord for a tone-deaf man. Sun hadn’t meant to ask, but the restlessness that existed deep within his code made his mouth conjure up the huge elephant in the room.
Of course, the only response he got was a slap across the face, a ruffling of a cat’s fur.
“None of your business.” Their voices were mocking, and defensive.
They looked as if they would break his entire beam before throwing him into the water, and pulled him up. And did it again. Again and again because Sun’s metal is too heavy for him to swim.
But Goliath wasn’t his father. So Sun could still calmly ignore the hidden threats in the words of the one who treated silence as a competition and they always had to be the champion, and let his mind drift into nothingness, which Sun did quite a lot these days.
“Suit yourself.” Sun yawned. He suddenly felt a little cold, which was strange considering the fact that he was just a robot. The feeling of exhaustion from every bolt, which had been getting heavier lately…
Sun wasn’t the smartest, but even he himself had figured out that being so close to the Wither Storm debris wasn’t a good thing.
“You shouldn’t be like this. I remember you used to be so much—”
There was something annoyed in Goliath’s voice, making Sun turn back to look at him in spite of himself.
Maybe it was anger, or nostalgia. Or maybe his fan was faulty. Sun didn't understand, nor could he remember how to handle it, as a burning sensation in his chest that made it hard to breathe came as quickly as it had gone, before being extinguished as coldly as Goliath's words had metaphorically nailed into Sun's head.
What did Goliath expect Sun to be?
Uptight, cowardly, too helpless in his own emotions?
Imprisoned by fear of everything?
Stupid to the end?
Sun didn't mean he'd gotten any smarter, but at least for now he felt fine. The feeling he never could enjoy since the day he was alive.
Guess his father was right.
Life was pain.
And the easiest way to end the pain was to become a machine again.
The comfort of not having to worry about anything but obeying his father's orders, it turned out to be more comfortable than he thought.
Still, in the face of the stupidity and meanness of the person who was always jealous and comparing themselves to him, Sun just smiled, his social AI chip calculating the most likely answers to lessen the gorilla's arrogance before flipping the table and throwing every answer it had predicted down the drain.
"Ah... I don't understand what you mean?"
And the orange light flickering in their eyes almost reminded him of a candy corn smoldering as if thinking about something, before regretfully turning away.
"Idiot."
And leave Sun alone, like some asshole that dudebag is.
#sun and moon show#tsams#sams#the sun and moon show#tsams sun#tsams goliath#bad end au#tsams creator
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Nonexistent Eating Patterns
Pairings: Matt Murdock x gn!teen!reader
Imagine: you haven’t been eating sleeping or drinking as you should and Matt is there to help
Warnings: not eating, anxiety, dehydration, sleep deprived, mention of panic/anxiety attacks, mention of depression, feeling sick, mention of school and exams and grades, Soft Matt Murdock (that is a warning), idk what more
A/N for starters this is probably shitty, bc wrote this late at night to be able to cope with my current life/mental/physical health. So wrote this to bring me some sort of comfort, so yeah this is probably shitty and I have not proofread it, but ya know that’s fine I guess :)
You didn’t know why, but once a year there was always this period of time where you ate far too little. More so than usual. The other times when you occasionally skipped lunch or breakfast or your usual midnight snack it was always fine, because you only skipped one of those and only once a week at a maximum. But now. Now you have skipped breakfast and your midnight snack the whole week, and lunch nearly every day. You had eaten maybe four times overall this week and your health was not having it. Because at those times when you did eat you didn’t eat much, you nearly spat out the food you ate. Nor did you get hungry. You only had that stomach ache where deep down you knew it came from you not eating, but you didn’t want to acknowledge that. So instead you laid curled up in your bed, hands by your head trying to soothe the migraine and your knees up to your chest while watching some random show on the TV. It was one of two positions that made the ache bearable.
Matt — your “guardian”, and who you shared an apartment with — knew you hadn’t been eating well. Of Course he knew, he was the devil of Hell’s Kitchen after all. Something like that would not get past him, but he didn’t want to push things on you, he didn’t want to push you to eat because it wouldn’t work as long as you didn’t do something yourself. As long as you didn’t ask for help he knew you wouldn’t eat. He knew your condition only got worse with your horrible sleeping patterns, and let’s not forget you were probably dehydrated. It seemed like you didn’t ever get tired, hungry or thirsty. Matt wanted to help you, but as long as you didn’t want the help nothing would change. Because one of the worst things is when a person doesn’t want help, and it’s hard to help them when they don’t want the help, especially with this. So he let it be for the time being, until he felt it had been going on for too long.
You’d had more panic and anxiety attacks this month than you usually had and your depression had kicked in not long ago. Which meant that you were less likely to start eating and sleeping. The only thing that kept you occupied was watching movies and series. You couldn’t do any school work, because that just made you anxious. Even though you didn’t have much in school at the moment (if you compare to other times), you still felt like everything was too much. You were supposed to have five exams, you had one today, which ended badly. The next two were next week, and then two after each other the next three coming weeks. On top of that you were just confused by everything in school and even if you studied you didn’t get the high grades. Everything was just too much at the moment with school, depression, anxiety overall, plus the attacks and panic attacks, let’s not forget not eating, drinking or sleeping. At the very moment you were screwed and you’d gone so deep down that you had no idea what to do.
Every day you felt like you would have an attack, every day you felt like you wanted to cry and scream until next year came. But you couldn’t even force a tear out of your eyes or a scream out of your throat, for some reason you just couldn’t. So you opted to lay in bed and watch movies all weekend instead of studying for your next exam because you wouldn’t understand anything anyway (and the teacher couldn’t explain it to you either).
It was night by the time Matt came home again, he’d called various times during the day to make sure you ate something, though you hadn’t really followed that, as you just took one bite out of your sandwich before you had to throw it away feeling like you’d puke by eating it. So when he came home and heard you were still awake as well as when he noticed you hadn’t eaten, he went into your room, and you in a poor attempt tried to even your breath to make it sound like you were sleeping — even though you knew full well it wouldn’t work.
“I know you’re awake”
Matt sat himself beside you on your bed. Making sure you listened to him as he continued.
“I know you didn’t eat today” he touched your arm gently, which went unnoticed by you, as you continued to stare out in the distance after you had opened your eyes. He touched your arm once more, and this time you felt it as your eyes slightly wandered to his hand which was carefully placed on your arm once more. Your hands had long since started to fiddle with your blanket in an attempt to hide the fact that your hands were shaking from the anxiety that came with being confronted with your nonexistent eating patterns.
“If I make you a sandwich will you eat it” you only shook your head in answer, you knew with the help of his heightened senses he would pick it up, but just in case you answered with a no as well.
“Can you at least drink a glass of water?” you shook your head and said no once more. Matt sighed and after a few moments he went out of your room. He went into the kitchen and took out some candy from one of the cupboards — the candy he hid away for special occasions. Matt also went and got a glass as he tapped on the water. When he heard it flow down he put the glass underneath and waited for the water to fill up the glass (can he now that?). He also put the candy in a bowl and went into your room again.
The darkness in your room made it hard for you to see, the movie had gone onto the credit scenes and the black background did nothing to help you see what Matt did. You only heard something being put down on your nightstand and felt Matt move around in front of you (as you were facing that way). He took up his previous position on your bed and made you sit up, as well as tell you to put on your favorite movie, he didn’t care if he couldn’t see it nor if you had already seen it today, it was the best way to distract you.
When the movie had started to roll he started to talk. “I know candy isn’t exactly food, or the food you need right now, but you eating anything is a progress, so can you at least eat some of it” your breathing had stopped for a few seconds, scared of even trying to eat as it made your stomach ache. Matt felt this, and added to his previous words. “Please Y/N, if you won’t do it for me, do it for yourself, I know that deep inside you want to get better, you’re just scared to try, scared that it might get worse, but I promise it won’t, it’ll only get better” he felt your head slowly nod as you slowly reached over to the bowl. “How do you know that” Matt sighed softly once more, he knew that if he said the wrong thing it’d make you put away the bowl. “Because it has before hasn’t it, before it went way too far until you needed to get help, because you couldn’t do anything, I just want to help you before we get to that, okay” you hummed at his answer and picked up a chocolate bar. When you put it in your mouth it melted and you got a tiny moment were you felt like everything would be okay, the sweetness was nice, it was far better than eating a sandwich that’s for sure. With that you took another candy bar and eventually you had eaten all of it, while being distracted by the movie in front of you. Matt had listened in on you while you ate, making sure you were okay. He drowned away everything but you, only focusing on you, to make sure you were nothing but okay.
After a few moments your stomach started to ache, it felt like it harnessed everything you ate. Matt made you drink the glass of water before he laid you down on the bed. His arms wrapped around you, as he cuddled close to you, giving you comfort. You breathed in his scent and felt his overall calmness — which always seemed to calm you down in turn. It was like he transferred some of his calmness over to you.
Eventually Matt felt your even breaths as you for once actually slept. That’s when he promised that he’d make sure that you actually ate the next following days, because he didn’t ever want to experience this with you ever again. Though if it did happen again he would always be there to help you, over and over again.
#x reader#x teen#marvel#x teen!reader#x you#mcu#mcu x reader#daredevil x teen#daredevil x teen!reader#daredevil x reader#matt murdock x teen#matt murdock x teen!reader#matt murdock x reader#marvel x teen!reader#Matt Murdock x teen reader#Marvel x reader#matthew murdock x reader#matt murdock x y/n#matt murdock x you#marvel x you#marvel x y/n#comfort fic#Matt Murdock comfort fic
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𝓣𝓲𝓬𝓴𝓵𝓮𝓽𝓸𝓫𝓮𝓻 𝓓𝓪𝔂 3: 𝓒𝓾𝓭𝓭𝓵𝓮𝓼
Miya my son my baby my child
This made me so soft oh my god I need me a shadow so bad 😭😭
Tags: @giggly-squiggily @chrimsss (THANK YOU FOR THE INSPIRSTION)
—This do have tickles below the cut ngl—
Miya had to admit, hanging out with his friends was his favorite part of the week. The meetings were never planned, more-so just an impromptu event that took place. Today’s particular celebration was about Langa’s slow-rising report card grade! So, as they usually do, they gathered at Joe and Cherry’s place and celebrated till the cows came home.
The hustle and bustle of the celebration was immaculate, and poor Miya was positively exhausted.
At least, he should have been.
Instead, the poor kid was staring bug-eyed at the ceiling from his position on the couch.
He tossed and turned, overstimulated by the noises in the (should be quiet) room. Reki was snoring rather raucously, Cherry and Joe were engrossed in a gentle conversation, which didn’t much bother him, but it still added to the sound; not to mention the damned ceiling fan that squeaked every six seconds— oh yes, he counted.
The boy sighed and rubbed his burning eyes, subsequently covering his ears with his pillow and turning over on his side. His whole body felt ungodly heavy, and it almost hurt to breathe. He needed to sleep now.
Miya grimaced in exasperation, ready to make a pleaded announcement, until he felt a gentle brush of a hand along his forehead.
The young skater opened his bleary eyes and was met by the patient smile of Hiromi. The orange-haired male only mouthed something to him, since the boy was too tired to comprehend the noise that emitted. Whatever Hiromi offered was probably better than being where he was now, so he nodded, oblivious to whatever was said.
Hiromi wordlessly scooped the exhausted boy into his arms, letting his little head rest atop his shoulder. Miya wasn’t sure what the tall man had said, but he felt the rumble of speech beneath his torso. Soon enough, Shadow was leading them both down a secluded hallway.
When Miya saw the spare bedroom, he swore he could’ve cried in relief. He did sigh heavily, however, when he was carefully laid flat on his stomach. Hiromi exhaled fondly and sat next to the young skateboarder, gently tracing shapes up and down his back.
Miya’s shoulders gently heaved as breathy giggles filled the room. As the orange-haired male’s fingers neared the boy’s sides and neck, he would flinch a little.
“Everything okay, little buddy?” A whispered check-in filled the room.
“Y-Yehehes. Tihihihickles.” Miya hummed, unmoving.
Shadow’s lips screwed into a pouty smile as his brows furrowed. ‘So precious…’ he thought. He gently raked his blunt nails up and down Miya’s back, scribbling little patterns into it.
“S-Shahahadow—ehehehe— tihihihickles.” Miya’s giggles grew in volume, but no attempt to block the ticklish feeling was made.
“Shhhh, just relax; I know you’re exhausted.“ Hiromi cooed in a whispered reply, letting his fingers drag up to Miya’s neck.
The boy squealed and shrugged his shoulders. Hiromi chuckled a bit and stopped what he was doing, opting to lay down on the bed himself.
A sudden, gentle weight was pressed against his chest. The scent of strawberries filled his nostrils as black hairs tickled his nose. Hiromi opened his eyes to see that Miya had settled down atop of his torso, and had laid his head over the bulky skater’s heart. “Keep going… please?”
Hiromi smiled with a pout once more, continuing to trace the boy’s back and causing little giggles to slip out.
“Thahahanks.” The little guy was curling in on himself occasionally, causing the larger skater to stop every so often. “Nohohoho, ihihihits okahahahay. Feheheels gohohohood.”
Hiromi cradled the boy’s head and drew gentle circles on his back, hoping to gently lull the boy to sleep.
Shadow got his wish after ten minutes, for little Miya fell asleep silently with a big smile on his face.
🎃————♡︎✞♡︎✞♡︎✞♡︎✞♡︎✞♡︎✞♡︎✞♡︎✞♡︎✞♡︎————🎃
#t content#augtickletober2023#sk8#skate the infinity#sk8 the infinity#Miya#Miya Chinen#shadow sk8#sk8 shadow#hiromi higa#Miya sk8#sk8 Miya#sk8 the infinity tickle#sk8 tickle#lee!miya#ler!shadow#ticklish!miya
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Tinky headcanons finally‼️
Excited for this I project on Tinky a lot-
• Tinky 100,000% has ADHD (this is a large hc and I love it so much)
• Tinky is a workaholic and will often go days- sometimes weeks in his room building stuff and utterly zoned out of his mind until he snaps because he dropped something. He'll yell at his snniggles and blame them for stuff happening and have a breakdown over it. Once he's calmed down he apologizes to them all through tears.
• Weird headcanon that started off as source memories- his tongue is like freakishly long and is used as a tape measurer and to hold stuff. (tools, cogs, wheels, lights etc.)
• Tinky's party made of machinery (like Killgore a bit) because he wanted to modify himself to appear more like Webby in certain ways, which in the long run just fucked him up. That's why he's extra bonkers than everyone else. Yes he's hyperactive from ADHD, but he's constantly ADHD with too much sugar right before you crash.
• He's obsessed with the Spankofski's for a multitude of reasons- though the main reason he fucks with them is because one of Ted's family members screwed Tinky over and he's just not over it.
• Tinky's favorite snniggle (who is an OC I made his name is Snallottes and I love him) is actually a version of a Spankofski that Tinky turned into a snniggle cause either he was bored or it was the one that screwed him over.
• Tinky refuses to use modern technology and sticks to cogs and gears and wheels and springs n' shit. The only modern technology he uses is a phone for communication with his brothers. Besides that, Tinky doesn't interact with technology.
• I don't think his teeth are necessarily just- fucked up? I think they're more of jambled with gaps. He has teeth where they shouldn't be and teeth where they should be. Like two of his front teeth are molars. Idk how to put that into my art (yet) but it's there!
• He's dyslexic to a pretty wicked degree.
• He usually speaks in a different language (the 'lost language' mentioned in Honey Queen [stands in 'I haven't seen Daddy or Killer Track' if it's in there I'm gonna kill off an OC in my 9 year story]) instead of English, only speaking English to talk with humans and mortals.
• He cannot sleep without background noise and a nightlight. He has LED's (WHEN I SAID MODERN TECHNOLOGY I SPECIFICALLY MEAN COMMUNICATION DEVICES AND ENTERTAINMENT PIECES) in his room lined out in a maze pattern. Bastards box pattern ^_^
There's more probably but I cannot keep my eyes open gang. If there's mistakes in here I apologize I am NOT Looking back on this until tomorrow henajbsbB
Probably gonna do Pokey next
#sugar us like a drug to me and my cousin#we take shots of sugar together since I'm not actually old enough to drink (he is)#the lords in black#not art#npmd#t'noy karaxis#tinky npmd#tinky#tinky hatchetfield#headcanons#headcanon
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okay, i'm back (for a second anyway, hello)
i'm feeling a bit better since last time i wrote, so that's something.
i finally have some good news for a change!!!
i had my second ultrasound with my gyn and got to actually meet with the doctor afterwards and they went over everything with me a lot more in depth and didn't give me any push back on not wanting kids, they just explained to me what my best option would actually be considering all my symptoms given what's going on
from my second ultrasound they did still see what looks like a polyp so now given that i have a history of polyps an ablation wouldn't really be the best option because if they needed to go in again to biopsy or if there was bleeding it would be harder to tell what was going on because of that and it also apparently wouldn't help that much with the rest of my period symptoms considering it's not a guarantee that it'd stop them completely, it would just lessen it significantly but if i'm looking to stop all of it that's not really going to be my best option
so!! the plan right now is this: on the 9th i'm going to go in and they're going to put me to sleep (FINALLY)
just kidding, but they are going to do a dnc, get that polyp and all that stuff in there out and send that off to be biopsied just to make sure nothing's cancer-y in there and for the time being and while i'm still fucking asleep they're going to stick an iud up in there !!
and honestly......truthfully....if they find something on the biopsy that warrants me getting the whole thing taken out/shut down, that's fine by me as well, let's go.
if not, we'll just....let 41 year old me deal with getting that iud replaced but that at least will hopefully give me a few years peace of mind and hopefully....................less or even no periods, please god
i'm on one currently and i just...no more. i'm not even able to take those big ass pills i mentioned before because i'm off a lot of vitamins and whatnots to get ready for my procedure and that one can be bad for clotting so i can't take it and am getting the full thing this time (i also feel like it just....knows something's about to happen and it's fighting back)
but yeah, i can definitely live with that plan and i feel like i'm in good hands with this doctor so finger's crossed everything goes well and this works out and hopefully too this will help some with my mental health because i do think that's been contributing to some of what i've been going through/feeling lately
i think some of it too is probably just good old burnout as per usual. i realized why i fell into that pattern of taking long breaks from work which ended up screwing myself over, but it was because sitting there for several hours straight and feeling like i have to focus on just this one thing and one thing only and even then there aren't enough hours in the week to get it all done and it just compounds and leaves me drained
like yeah, neither schedule was ultimately doing me any good, but at least i wasn't as exhausted before. i'm sure i'll figure this out eventually even if it does mean changing jobs or just...something.
for now i still thinking getting a second job is going to be my best bet, especially now that i'm adding more medical debt to my plate, like something's gonna have to give or these grocery stores are going to have to lower their prices quickly because it's uh....rough without those extra ten hours every week now.
i'll figure it out and the good news is i have a week off coming up so hopefully that'll help me reset and give me time to really think about what i want my next move to be here as far as managing all of this.
i'll also be taking that time off because it's right around the first anniversary of my dad's passing and i know i'm probably making it bigger in my head than it really ought to be, but it's been like a jumpscare in my head every time i think about how it's already been a year
being that this month is that and then a week later his birthday i just...am not looking forward to it because i know i'm just going to be a mess and while it would probably be a good distraction for me to work and focus on other things, i just....don't want to.
if maybe i can just be really, really fucking sad for a whole week and feel whatever i need to feel and process all of that maybe then i can finally start to get better and get back to myself and life and everything, but for right now i'm just dreading it and bracing myself as best as i can.
anyway, didn't really want to end on a downer note, but i guess that's just what's been going on lately. overall, though, i am excited about this procedure as weird as that may sound and i'm really hoping it'll be a good thing
i'm going to try to continue taking it easy and getting as much rest as i can because that's what my body is begging me for and being that this procedure is gonna have me at the hospital at 5 fucking am on a friday after another long week of work i'm all for that so back to rest mode i go and hopefully next time you hear from me i'll have even more good news :3
hope you're all doing well <3
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"Soul Of Liberty"
Chapter 2
Later that night Dean and Maria spent the night in bed. After their sexual activities, Maria wakes to go to the bathroom and comes back to Dean muttering in his sleep, finding that she was not pleased to hear what her boyfriend had said.
“(Y/n)…” He uttered softly which made Maria shift uncomfortably where she stood. It was quite but there was no mistaking what poor Maria had heard her love had said in her sleep. Her name, Dean had said his ex-wife’s name while his current girlfriend was sleeping right next to him. She didn’t know what to do at that point. Should leave the room and sleep someplace else or just bare it for the night?
‘Maybe I am just overreacting. It was a one-time thing.’ She thought to herself as she got back under the covers and wrapped herself in Dean’s arms, slowly falling back into a blissful sleep.
Unfortunately for the ‘happy couple”, things didn’t smooth out after that.
Dean had began to be more distant from Maria lately. He grew more irritated when she was bothering him while researching for a hunt by asking if they were going on a date sometime soon. He would apologize after, but soon fall back into those same patterns, that it was really starting to get to her. She noticed that he came home later during his trips to the bar and made Sam drive because he would come home drunk.
What else was that he still would watch the news related to the Avengers and (Y/n). It was almost like an obsession for him. either he was waiting to see her screw up or that maybe he was genuinely concerned that (Y/n) might get killed. There was no way for Maria to know. Either way, it was becoming unhealthy.
Then the next week, she saw something that made her heartbeat stop. She accidently saw Deans wallet open on the floor as she was doing laundry one day. She picked it up and saw a photo that was sticking out from it’s pocket. Curiosity got the best of her and she pulled it out. Her eyes grew wide as she saw a picture of (Y/N) on Dean’s Impala when they were younger. Her heart raced at an unhealthy rate that she was thinking she might break a rib. After all this time, he still had feelings for her, no matter how much he said she’s history and even after she hurt him so badly. Being so shocked at the fact Dean kept a picture of his ex-wife, Maria didn’t notice a pair of forest green eyes looking at her from the doorway.
“Baby? Have you seen my wallet?” Dean uttered, with concerned in his eyes making Maria turn around to meet his gaze. The green-eyed hunter then saw Maria holding the photo of (Name) in her hands along with his wallet. “Honey, please like me ex-”
“Why do you still have her picture, Dean?” The Latin woman demanded as she was starting to lose control over her emotions.
“Maria, just calm down. It’s not what you think.” Dean walked closer to her, but she stepped back away from him.
“Why?! You said you two were over! You said that she broke your heart so badly that she would never have any room in your life again! You told me you hated her guts and that she was never the one for you!” Maria yelled as she as she held up the photo of the (H/c) woman. “and yet, you can’t seem to forget about her.”
Now Dean was also starting to lose his cool from Maria’s outburst.
“She was my wife, Maria.” Dean gritted his teeth as he tried to defend himself for keeping (Name)’s photo. “She was the only woman I have ever married. The one I thought that I would have children with and grow old together if one of us didn’t die from hunting. I thought the world of her!”
“Well, apparently you still do, Mi Corazon. Seeing as you are practically obsessed with the woman that broke your heart.” She said spitefully as she grabbed her coat and walked out of the room with Dean following her.
“Where the hell are you going?!” Dean shouted at his girlfriend walking up the steps of the bunker.
“Out! I need time to think!” Maria shouted back and opened the door to leave the bunker, slamming it shut.
Dean knew he should go after her. He was a good boyfriend after all and he loved Maria with all his heart. But, something stopped him from doing it. ‘Maybe she just needs some time.’ He thought and then went back to his room and noticed his brother and friends watching him with concerned looks on their faces. He shrugs it off and walked to the garage to get to his baby and drives to the nearest bar.
The next morning, Dean awakes as the sun shined on his face. He rises with what seemed to be the biggest hangover he ever had. The hunter knew he had gone overboard with the whiskey, beer and jello shots in order to forget his fight with his girlfriend. He looked down at himself and saw that he was indeed naked and not alone. He slowly turned his head and saw what looked like the waitress he was talking to last night and she also laid naked. He looked down at her and realized how much she looked his ex-wife.
“Oh God.” Dean’s eyes grew wide at the realization at what he had just done. He cheated. He cheated on Maria with a complete stranger. Never in his life he never felt so sick to his stomach, so disgusted with himself. Not sense he caught (Name) and Sam together.
“(Name)…’” He gritted his teeth at thought of that night, how much he hated her for what she did and now…she had turned him into a cheater like her.
When he got to the bunker, Maria was back home and ready to work things out. But as soon as she hugged Dean, she smelled the perfume on him and her heart broke. Dean tried to explain and blamed the fact that he was drunk and was a one-time thing, begging with tears on his eyes for her to stay, just like (Name) had. Maria wouldn’t hear it. She said they were over and left the bunker, never to be seen again.
To say Dean was pissed was an understatement. A good portion of it was at himself, but also at (Name).
“She did this to me.” He took out his wallet and pulled out his last photo of (name) that he had. Sam’s eyes
“Who? Maria? Are you blaming your now ex-girlfriend for you cheating?” Sam stated disapprovingly at him placing his hands on his hips.
“NO! (NAME)!!! She just keeps on crawling back into my life one way or another! I can’t blink without seeing her face, hearing her laugh and cry. I still remember the softness of her skin and feeling her when I have sex with another woman.” Dean screamed his confession, not realizing until now the deep scare that (Name) left behind. When the news comes back on from the other room making him walked to the other room as both Kevin and Charlie were sitting on the couch and looked up to Dean.
“Hey, what’s going on?” Charlie asked after hearing all the yelling that was going on, but Dean didn’t hear her as the news anchor came on.
“Tony Stark is hosting a charity Gala next week on the 28th at the Metropolitan Museum and every Avenger will be in attendance to help raise funds for those effected by war and poverty across the globe. It is said that many world leaders, royalty, members of congress-”
One week on 28th, (Name)’s birthday is on that very same day.
And at that moment, Dean snapped by throwing the nearest empty beer bottle at the TV, cracking the entire screen making it go completely dark. Everyone was in absolute dismay at Dean’s behavior and rage, like he was going crazy. Would seem that they were all right.
“WHAT THE HELL IS THE MATTER WITH YOU!!!??” Castiel yelled as his friend was going mad with rage. Dean just couldn’t see past his own anger and self-hatred; he didn’t even look at the looks his friends were giving him. It took him a moment to snap back to reality and saw the terrified looks the people around him were giving him. He knew right then and there, he was going crazy. Dean looked away from him and left back to his room, alone.
The oldest Winchester stayed in his room for hours. He mauled over everything that had been going on for the past few years ever sense he saw (Name) during that press conference in New York. He couldn’t believe things were going so well for her sense he last saw her at that restaurant, and it angered him.
‘This is ridiculous.” He muttered to himself laying on his bed with his hands behind his back. ‘How could things be going to well for her when she had been so awful in the past? How did she get so attractive in the past five years. And those powers…where did she get them? If know for a fact she’s only human. She’s not some demon-”
Then it hit him, and how (Name) had gotten these powers. Demon…Crossroads…selling their soul. Dean’s green eyes widen trying to catch his breath this sudden epiphany.
‘That’s…it! She sold her soul to a demon to become Avenger! There is no other explanation! There is no way that someone as weak and cowardly as her would ever become someone that saved the world like she did! She is far worse of a human being than I thought!’
‘Woah, Dean. Excusing your ex-wife of selling her soul to become a superhero? Do you even hear yourself? Are you that upset that she is living a life that you never could even dream of that you came to a delusional assumption of her doing something so desperate as to sell something as precious as her own soul?’
“There is nothing precious about (Name) or her soul. She’s a selfish, black-hearted witch that never had to do anything for anyone. I saved her life multiple times and she repays me for cheating on me with my brother? You can’t tell me that her soul is precious?” Dean thought back as hi inner voice was speaking to him. Man, he really has gone insane. “Wait, who are you?! How are you in my head?!”
“ Just call me Jiminy Cricket, aka, the little voice inside your head that is trying to keep you from doing the stupidest decisions of your life.” Disclosed the voice in the hinter’s head “Every human soul is precious to some degree, Dean. Even the worst among humans.” Said the voice again. “And really? Never did anything for you? You know that’s not true. How about the times she went out of her way to come and help you with a hunt or do hours of research only to lose sleep, or stitched you up and giving you medical treatment when you couldn’t go to the hospital?” It spoke again, really making Dean more pissed by the second with his heavy breathing and flaring nostrils. “Was being with her that bad?”
“No, not at first anyway. I though once she was the best thing that happened to me, but then she slept with my brother and lied to me about it. No one who hurts people like could ever change. All they do is hurt others time and time again. And she tried to blame Sammy for it. He told me that she said to him that “You did this to me” when he wasn’t even in control of his actions. Not only she hurt me but try to blame my brother.” He argued with the inner voice.
“You remember how sensitive she was. When someone who wants to make amends with the people they love, they are very emotional. Still doesn’t justified her actions, but you have to give her credit for trying.” The voice in his head was trying to reason with him.
“You and everyone else should know by now, no matter what she said to me, that I would never forgive her. NEVER. She cheated on me with my brother and she knew that I would leave her if she did. She’s a monster.” He replied to the voice in his head.
“People say that same thing about you, Winchester. Yet, you were forgiven. Let’s be fair Dean, you are not exactly a saint yourself. You did rub your perfect and beautiful girlfriend in her face and dangled the idea of proposing to Maria with the very ring (Name) wore, and then you ended up cheating on her years later. Are you really any better?” You really have no one to blame but yourself at this point.” said the voice again. “Not to mention all the one-night stands that you had before you even got together with her, while she was a virgin when you first started dating. Even Tony Stark has a smaller body count than you, and he's one of the most high value men on the planet. Who’s really the whore here? Tell me, Winchester. How long would it have been before you would have cheated on (Name)?”
“SHUT UP!!!” He screamed and shot up from his bed and pulled out his wallet and looked at (Name)’s picture in his and glared at it. She looked so young and carefree back then and she was. It was one thing that he loved about her. But now looking at the photo and just feels hate.
“I’ll show them who you really are, sweetheart. And let’s see if your precious golden boy will still want to nail you after this.” He spat out the nickname that used to hold so much love when he looked at (Name). It’s about time he made a trip to New York City.
#dean winchester#angst#marvel#dean winchester angst#steve rogers fluff#captain america fluff#steve rogers angst#the avengers#steve x reader#supernatural
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Long Time Coming
Book: Open Heart (Post Series)
Pairing: Ethan Ramsey x F!MC (Kaycee MacClennan)
Rating: Explicit/NSFW
This fic contains explicit sexual content and is intended for those who are 18 + Only
Warnings: Alcohol consumption, explicit sexual content
Category: Fluffy-ish Smut
Summary: Kaycee and Ethan have been looking forward to this night for a long time, but when things go wrong, Kaycee drowns her sorrows...can they salvage the night?
Words: 3331
A/N: I combined a couple recent asks, this one from @mvalentine for Ethan’s reaction to a drunk Kaycee telling him she has a boyfriend, and also several who were looking for them to have “WE NEED TO DO THIS ALREADY!” sex after the birth of their daughter. Well, here it is! I hope you enjoy it (these two sure did!)
@choices-september-challenge-blog Day 21 – “Welcome Home”
My Masterlist
CHARACTERS BELONG TO PIXELBERRY STUDIOS
This wasn’t how the night was supposed to go.
Rose and David picked Emma up hours ago and were now holed up in Naveen’s Cambridge home. Alan would join them tomorrow, and the four doting grandparents would probably spoil their precious baby granddaughter beyond repair this weekend.
The first weekend away from a new baby is never easy, but once their nerves settled, Ethan and Kaycee began counting the days. Emma filled their world with joy, but the opportunity to just be them again for forty-eight glorious hours was an opportunity they could not resist. Especially now.
Kaycee got the green light from Dr. Collado last week. Despite her exhaustion, she bolted home, intent on jumping her husband the moment she walked through the door. It had been months… an absolute eternity! But complications late in her pregnancy and post-partum healing required abstaining, and she was anxious to put those days in the past.
But as she swung the door open, a bleary-eyed Ethan was pacing warily across the room. Kaycee saw the desperation in his eyes as he jiggled their screeching baby in his arms. Extending her own, she tried to calm Emma to no avail. Ethan tried again, and the pattern continued until the adorable little demon finally passed out. The only problem was her equally exhausted parents did too.
They thought they had this in the bag, but it was becoming clear… sex and romance with a newborn in the house would not be easy.
“So,” Kaycee asked over breakfast the next day, “we’ll both be home by eight. If we can get Emma to sleep by nine, I think we can do it immediately after.”
Ethan placed his coffee mug on the counter with a chuckle. “We’re penciling each other in for sex now?”
“No! I’m putting you in with permanent marker! Ethan, it’s been months! I’m dying… the only reason I’m not screwing you on this table right now is because we can’t be late for work today.” She looked at her husband with concern. “Wait, you’re eager too. Aren’t you?”
“Yes!” he assured, “I absolutely am. It’s just….”
“It’s just?” Panic began to rise in her chest as terrible thoughts raced in her mind.
“I just don’t want us putting that pressure on ourselves. Because then if we can’t, it becomes a problem.”
She hated when he was so logical. Especially when she was so horny, but she knew he was right. That night ended up being a repeat of the one before. And the next day, Kaycee begged him for a quickie in his office. “Like the old days…” she pleaded. But Mr. Maturity stopped them again.
“We’ve waited this long. Our parents will have Emma this weekend… after all this time, let’s make it special.”
She relented, and they planned. They would make the entire week one long foreplay session! Teasing each other day and night. The second her parents walked out that door, they’d be naked, and the two-day “fuck-fest USA” would be underway! They stocked up on champagne, wine, and strawberries and planned on ordering in food all weekend long – there was only one thing on the agenda – they couldn’t wait.
Friday night was finally upon them when….
“What do you mean you have to stay late tonight! My parents are getting Emma at six!”
“I know! And you know I want to be there, but this is urgent, Kaycee.”
“Fine,” she sighed, “what time do you think you’ll be home?”
“Eight, the latest.”
“Well,” she groaned, “I guess I can wait two hours. Promise you won’t be a moment later.”
“Wild horses couldn’t keep me away.”
At eight o’clock, she reclined on their sofa, her body scantly clad in strips of lace and silk so small, some would say why bother. But the thought of Ethan tearing them off her before they leaped into a refreshing pool after months lost in the desert left her tingling. She poured a glass of wine and waited.
At eight-thirty, with her second glass of wine finished, she tapped anxiously on the glass on her phone. Wanting to reach out to him but knowing she should be patient. She decided to wait.
Nine o’clock. No husband. No call. She considered checking to see if any wild horses were, in fact, loose on the streets of Boston. Her lingerie-clad body was now wrapped in a fleece blanket; these things weren’t made to be worn alone long-term. It felt as if the candlelight, roses, and now empty bottle of wine were mocking her as the night dragged on. Finally, her phone chimed. But she only needed to see the first line for her head to fling back in frustration.
But the night wasn’t through toying with Kaycee’s emotions. The bar was strangely quiet, so she texted a few friends who promised to be there soon, but they also got stuck at work with emergencies. She needed to associate with people outside the medical field. But she was determined to make the best of it, but the only people she knew were Bob from Accounting and a resident she didn’t recognize who gushed over her entirely too much. Feeling sorry for herself, Kaycee lost count of the number of drinks she ordered.
Ethan strolled into the nearly empty bar several hours later and found his wife slumped against the wall in the booth she usually shared with her friends. His eyes shifted from her to Reggie, who shook his head with a smile while drying glasses.
“You couldn’t have cut her off?” Ethan asked, approaching him.
“Hey, the bar wasn’t this empty all night, my friend. I do what I can.”
Without being asked, Reggie placed two large glasses of water before his friend.
“So,” Ethan sighed. “How bad was she.”
“Not too bad. Some amusing dance moves with Bob from Accounting.”
“Oh, God…” Ethan grimaced.
“She may have told me her husband was a jerk for leaving her alone tonight,” Reggie shrugged. “I agreed with her. After all, sometimes that guy can be an asshole.”
Ethan took the glasses and laughed, “Sometime, I’d agree.”
A flurry of emotions coursed through him as he slid in beside his wife. Amusement, endearment, a little bit of guilt. This wasn’t how the night was supposed to go. As he nudged her awake and pushed the glasses of water in front of her, he promised himself he’d make it up to her during the next two days. But as she began to stir, he understood the gravity of the situation he stumbled upon.
“Wake up, beautiful,” he whispered. “I know you think I’m a toad right now, but I promise one kiss, and I’ll be Prince Charming again.”
Kaycee grimaced as she began to stir, covering her eyes after glimpsing at him.
“Your pickup lines suck!” She groaned. “Do they actually work on anyone?”
“I don’t know,” he chuckled. “I haven’t used them in a while.”
“Good!” she stammered. “But you’ll have to try them on someone else tonight. I have a boyfriend!”
“Oh, you do?” Ethan grinned.
“I do. So go away!”
“You sure you don’t want to replace him? What kind of a boyfriend leaves you alone here on a Friday night?”
“My boyfriend is very important!” she slurred. “He is busy with important things… because he is important. You wouldn’t understand that!”
“No, I guess not,” Ethan replied. He held a straw to her lips and watched as she did her best to sip down some water. “Though I must admit, it’s very upsetting to me to learn that you have a boyfriend.”
“Why?” She spat. “I wouldn’t go out with you anyway.”
“Really? That’s a shame… because you married me.”
Kaycee’s eyes shot open wide as the world came into focus – sort of.
“I married you?”
“Yep. Even had my child,” he laughed, rubbing his nails with pride.
“Was I drunk?” She asked.
“The whole time?” He laughed. “No, you weren't, but you are now. Drink some water. We’re going to get you sobered up.”
An hour later, Reggie approached their booth. “Hey, kids, I don’t want to break up this party, but I’m about to close up.”
“Mmmmhhhh,” Kaycee moaned as she snuggled on Ethan’s shoulder. “I’m not ready to go yet.”
Ethan looked at his friend with an air of desperation.
“You know what,” Reggie said, tossing a key across the table. “If I can’t trust you, who the hell can I trust. Just make sure the place is locked before you leave.”
“You sure?” Ethan asked as Reggie walked away, waving his hand.
“I’ve got no worries with you, and neither should you, young lady.”
“It’s OK,” Kaycee giggled. “I sober enough to remember he’s my husband again.”
“And so far, she seems to believe that’s a good thing,” Ethan jested.
She wrapped her arms around him, taking comfort in his familiar scent as he held her close.
“I’m sorry,” she grimaced, “I had no intention of getting drunk. I didn’t realize pregnancy killed my alcohol tolerance.”
“It’s ok,” he laughed. “Reggie tells me you were stuck with Bob from Accounting, and he’d make anyone want to black out.”
Kaycee laughed as she sat up, her head no longer spinning. “You’re not mad at me?”
“Of course not. But, let’s get you home and ensure you’re well enough for… other things… tomorrow.”
Kaycee met him with a mischievous gaze that had him raising an eyebrow.
“Why put off until tomorrow what you can do today. You know that picture I sent you?”
“As if I could forget.”
“I’m still wearing it.”
“You are?”
“I am,” she smiled, rising to her feet and tugging at her clothes. “Underneath all of this.”
Ethan watched in reverent awe as his wife slowly inched her sweater above her head. Forcing him to wait much longer than necessary.
“What are you doing?”
“We have the bar to ourselves.” Turning around, she peered coquettishly over her shoulder as she dropped her jeans to the floor. “Tell me you haven’t had a fantasy or two about doing this?”
“Kaycee… what if there are security cameras we don’t know about?”
She hoisted herself onto the bar with much more grace than she expected and steadied herself with a playful laugh. With a dramatic show, she spread her legs wide, a barstool supporting each foot as she leaned seductively in toward her bended knees.
“Then I’m about to make one hell of a video, Dr. Ramsey. Now, is it going to be a solo show, or do you care to join me?”
A nervous but tantalizing smile spread on his lips as he rushed to stand before her. Cupping her cheeks in his hands, he stared lustfully into her crystal blue eyes. With one look, she made it painfully clear that she would submit to his every wish. Dizzy with desire, he slid his hand along the outside of her smooth, creamy thighs.
“You’re out of your mind, Kaycee. You know that, right?”
“Perhaps,” she grinned, her hands dipping below his waist and gently stroked his harness as he began to groan. “But it looks like you’re enjoying it.”
“You’re sure you don’t want to go home,” he asked, his hands exploring the bare skin on her torso.
“Ethan, it’s been over four months! I don’t want to wait another second.”
“Thank God,” gasped, his mouth tugging at her ear, “because neither do I.”
Kaycee’s back arched as he held her close, the sensation of his warm mouth trailing down the length of her neck causing her breath to hitch. He stopped at her collarbone, gently kissing and sucking at her delicate skin, before slipping his fingers under the lace cup of her bra. Her body quivered, and a shallow groan escaped as he toyed with her the way only he had ever known how.
“You think you’re the only one who is a little depraved,” he growled as his mouth dropped down to service her breast.
“I never said that,” she gasped, caressing his hair as his tongue swirled around her.
Her hips gyrated on the hardwood surface, her body longing for more of his touch. He bit her nipple lightly, and her eyes clenched shut. “Quite impatient, aren’t we,” he chuckled with a graveled voice.
“Ethan,” she shrieked, voice full of want. “I haven’t had you in four months! I need you.”
“You need me?” he teased, standing, he brought his lips back to hers. His fingers slid under her panties and were saturated with just one touch. Pulling the wetness from her core, he slowly swirled his fingers through her folds, taking great pleasure in watching her lose control before him. She was all his.
“How badly would you say you want me?” he asked, pressing a finger gently inside her.
A broken whimper came from her throat, but words… he didn’t expect her to formulate words, did he? Not with his warm mouth again encircling her nipple and his fingers, now two deep inside, teasing out her pleasure below.
“You didn’t answer me,” he said, teeth tugging at her sensitive peak. “How bad do you want me?”
“So… so bad,” her voice quaked as she shamelessly grinded against his hand, desperate for more. Her eyes shut tight in eager anticipation as unintelligible worlds fell from her lips.
“Would this help?”
A loud shriek filled the air as a third finder thrust deep inside, and he began rocking his hips against her, pushing firmly against her most sensitive spot.
Despite his own mounting pleasure, he smiled in delight as he watched her crumble, her body trembling as she clung desperately to him.
“Come on, beautiful,” he whispered lustfully in her ear. “Let go,” he gasped as his thumb made its way to her swollen clit, pressing hard as he furiously encircled her.
“Ethan… I… I….” she breathed.
“That’s right,” he smiled. “Come for me, precious. I want you to come for me.”
She felt a burst as she clenched around his fingers. So tight he had to fight to keep them working her through. Her head flipped back with a curse as her gasps filled the empty space around them. Ethan again lowered his mouth to her breast, scraping his teeth against her. Her hips lurched off the bar. She pulled him so close she no longer knew where she ended and he began. Her body convulsed with pleasure once more before she went limp. Falling breathlessly onto her elbows behind her.
When her eyes finally opened, she found him staring down at her with wanton lust in his eyes, his hand still lazily tracing circles inside her. His heart raced, and he was certain that he would explode if he didn’t have her soon. Her disheveled hair, flushed skin, and the way her teeth sunk into her lower lip as she gazed up at him with unadulterated bliss. He did that. He did that to the woman he loved most in the world, and now he had to have more.
Without a word, his hands hurried to his waist. She watched as he unbuckled his pants and dropped them to the floor.
“Thank God,” Kaycee sighed as she helped remove his shirt. “I was wondering when you were going to get naked with me.”
“You’re not naked,” he groaned.
Kaycee looked down at the whisps of fabric covering her, all pushed to the side so he could access whatever his heart desired.
“Well, I’m hardly clothed,” she giggled.
“It’s still too much.”
She felt his hand grasp the fabric between her legs, then, with a quick snap and burning sensation, her panties joined his pants on the wooden floor.
“Wow! You really go after what you want?” she smiled.
Laying her flat on the bar, his palms pushed her legs apart, then he took her in his arms as he climbed on top of her. A look of longing she had never before seen burned in his eyes. His breath was now coming in pants, and he pulled her in for another kiss.
“You know the only thing I want is you.”
“Then have me,” she purred, lowering her hands to spread her lips for him.
With a guttural groan, Ethan softly pushed inside her, slowly at first, to ensure she was all right, but also so he could relish every second as her silky walls enveloped him, squeezing against him, welcoming him back home. A curse escaped him when she took him in completely.
“Kaycee,” he gasped. “Are you OK?”
“I’d be better if you were fucking me,” she said with a sexy grin.
Then she watched as his eyes turned dark. Something feral awakened inside. Permission had been granted; now, he was taking what he needed, all he desired… she was his. Each thrust was deep, desperate, longing to fill a need that had gone too long unfulfilled. The mix of pleasure and pain as her nails scraped the length of his back and the beautiful noises escaping her brought him closer and closer to the edge.
She gazed up at him adoringly as she felt her own pleasure beginning to crest once more, beads of his sweat splashing onto her bare skin. She lifted her legs, and he helped her shift her heels above his shoulders; they both gasped as he filled her again, deeper, harder, faster than before. She cried out as ecstasy overtook her.
“Ethan….” her voice quivered, ‘Ethan… I….”
“Say my name, baby… say my name for me.”
“I… I… can… I….”
“Say it!” he hissed through clenched teeth as she arched her back up, pressing against him as she met him, move for move.
Her eyes fluttered shut as the world flashed bright white around her, ripples of unabashed pleasure racing through every inch of her body.
“ETHAN!” she cried as she squeezed tightly around him.
“That’s my girl,” he gasped as he began to jerk on top of her.
“KAYCEE!” He screamed as he came to his own release, spilling deep inside her.
They didn’t know how long they lay atop the wooden bar. Both spent Ethan’s head rested upon her breast. Feeling drunker than she had before, Kaycee mindlessly twirled his sweat-soaked. Leaning over, she kissed his forehead with a smirk on her lips.
“Welcome home,” she whispered as he chuckled against her.
“It’s good to be home,” he smiled.
“Well, not exactly home, more like at our favorite bar.”
“You know what I mean,” he teased as he rose to his elbows and looked her in the face. “That was….”
“Well worth the wait.”
“You can say that again,” he concurred.
“So, have you ever thought about doing it on this bar?”
“There aren’t many places I haven’t envisioned doing this to you,” he grinned, “But I thought we would at least have done it in front of my spot.”
“Aw,” Casey whined, twisting her neck to look at Ethan’s chair. “Well, we can do it there later if you want. After we recover a bit.”
“As delightful as that sounds, why don’t we clean up here and go home? There are several softer surfaces I’d like to explore with you.”
Kaycee raised her mouth to his and they shared one more sensual kiss.
“You’ve got a deal!”
One week later:
“Hey, buddy!” Reggie sang as he slid a napkin in front of Ethan at the bar. “Where’s the Mrs. today?”
“She’s still at work. She’ll be down later.”
“Good, always good to see your better half. Now, what’ll it be, the usual?”
“You know me by now,” Ethan stated.
“I thought I did,” Reggie replied, pouring Ethan’s favorite scotch into a tumbler. “But over ten years you’ve been coming here now… Care to share why a creature of habit like you has suddenly changed your seat?”
Ethan snorted as he lowered his glass back to the bar and wiped his lips. He looked at his old friend with a half smile and firmly answered. “No.”
@choicesficwriterscreations @openheartfanfics
@jerzwriter-reblogs-asks
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Fanfic Author Self-Recs!
@ziskandra tagged me to rec five of my own fanfics, and I am utterly delighted! Thank you, friendo!
I’m tagging @meikuree, @deacons-wig, @anneapocalypse, @fireferns and @bittylildragon if you are so inclined!
Fallout is my first fandom and will forever have a piece of my heart, but Dragon Age has made a good showing as well. Mostly due to exchanges. :D I find that I don’t really have a huge monofandom intensity anymore (....or maybe just not for now? *awkward laugh*) so I’m going to fan my interests like a peacock’s tail!
1) The Knit of Flesh and Bone (Cait/Curie) - Fallout 4 - This is top of my mind lately because I was fortunate enough to get some very nice comments about it! It’s very much a love letter for Cait and what I think her companion quest should have been, as well as exploring Cait and Curie’s dynamics as friends and lovers. Plus reading it again reminds me of how much I’ve consciously shifted my style over time; trying to vary word patterns and cadence, as well as balance between lyricism and something that felt authentic and true to the characters.
I’m a softie at heart; I crave romance and happy endings, but don’t often enjoy fluff because I want the characters to have some hurt first, to balance out the promised sweetness. It's healing and optimistic and about recovering from trauma and finding the trust to build new relationships.
2) breath (and all the ways of holding) (Leliana/Morrigan) - Dragon Age - This is one of my faves because not only did I get to write one of my very first Dragon Age ships, but it was also the first fic that I had the pleasure of being thoroughly critiqued by @fireferns!!! It was daunting and terrifying and at some point I will screw up my courage to ask for another beta, I’m sure! ;)
It’s also one of the few fics I can remember exactly where I was, when I was writing the first draft: sick in bed from a nasty flu, right after moving with my partner at the time. I called sick from work for a week, was feverish and sweating in bed but unable to sleep during the middle of the day, and scribbling in a battered notebook in paragraphs at a time. It was incredibly disjointed, moving more on ~vibes~ and images as they came to me, and it wasn’t until after I recovered and starting typing it out (and basically reshuffling a lot of the scenes) that I really got the structure down. Writing that first draft was weird and dreamy and disconnected, almost like another person wrote it; revisions, on the other hand, were completely and 100% my own, especially with @fireferns offering sharp feedback that made me question a lot of my narrative and stylistic choices and pushing me to grow as a writer. Without her, it would have been twice as long and half as good. <3
One of the things I love about the Leliana/Morrigan dynamic is their entanglement; they are hardly friends in Origins, but by Inquisition they’ve had three games (ten years) worth of history between them, and have both shifted and grown over that time. Leliana is much more sweetly deceptive in Origins than she first lets on, and Morrigan is much more raw and inexperienced than she likes to admit, and part of their journey is learning where they hold similarities. They’re one of each other’s few constants in a world that’s constantly changing.
3) never gonna say I’m sorry (Amara/Tyreen) - Borderlands 3 - This was my first foray into writing villain fic!!! Tyreen is an unrepentant gremlin and it’s not intended as a redemption arc, but I wanted to write something where Tyreen could join the Raiders, smooch Amara, and stay somewhat in-character to the game. I love women, both heroes and villains, and I love the inherent tension of an enemies to lovers arc.
Plus I love a story that explicitly points out that death (or martyrdom) is not the same as redemption, and that it can be harder to make amends and live with the consequences of your actions. The two different endings (one where Tyreen kills Troy, one where she spares him) are really about Tyreen making different choices in her emotional journey. I originally conceived of it ending with her killing Troy, then utterly disappointed that killing him didn’t give her immediate catharsis or any kind of emotional revelation. It was meant to show that despite the fact she had been offered a second chance, she wasn’t ready to offer that same second chance to someone else.
But then talking with @bittylildragon about how Troy could just as easily have been the hero of this fic (if Tyreen had abandoned him instead, then Troy could have had a similar growth arc) made me think about if Troy didn’t die, if Tyreen decided to spare him and show that yes, she’s trying to become a better person…and is still disappointed that there’s no emotional closure, that she doesn’t actually feel like a good person and he still flinches away from her when she reaches out.
Still. After much thought (and keeping in mind that I’m a softie who wants happy endings for everyone), I have decided that I actually prefer the ending where Tyreen spares Troy. They’re still utterly dysfunctional, but at least they have a chance at fixing things between them.
4) soap, spit, and sweetness (Avad/Erend) - Horizon Zero Dawn - This was an extremely simple outline (5+1 things!) but I am very proud of it because I love this tiny rarepair and also it was really fun to try and write through Erend’s POV, balancing between lyricism (and just how ~pretty~ or poetic I want things to sound) and his own way of viewing the world. This meant doing some minor worldbuilding and looking at metaphors or similes rooted in smithing and metalwork, like so many of their figures of speech.
I am also realizing that this is my only non-F/F fic rec on the list, so take it as you will. :’)
5) Fireflies (Maru/Penny) - Stardew Valley - This is a tender and achey and meant to wrap people up in a warm bubblebath of feels, just the way the game itself makes me feel. I realize that the game itself is pretty limited when it comes to showing the history and friendships between the townspeople, but…Maru and Penny are canonically friends! And I love a good friends to lovers arc!
I adore this ship and love the fanon of Penny being trans, so it made sense to write Penny as being trans. @bittylildragon was an incredible help, both by being an amazing beta (catching my garbled sentences and maladroit phrases!) and with pushing me to consider Penny being trans with more than a ‘yes, Penny is trans’ disclaimer and a few references. I didn’t want to write too much about experiences that weren’t really mine to write about, but in doing so, it also created a different type of erasure, one that was bland and inauthentic.
I love women, and that includes trans women. So I want to get better at writing trans women. This isn’t the first fic I’ve written with a trans female character, and it won’t be the last. So I need to keep getting better.
If you’ve read this far: hopefully some of my rambling was interesting!
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Thess vs the Absolute Fucking CHEEK OF SOME PEOPLE
It hasn’t been a very good couple of days. Yesterday, I was hit with the Fibro Fatigue Stick and ended up napping hard for a couple of hours in the mid-evening, which screwed up my sleep patterns so I couldn’t sleep last night. None of this is any good for pain flares or migraine, so I ended up with both today. But mostly, honestly? It’s the absolute fucking cheek of people the last couple of days. Mostly work colleagues. I mean, it’s always work colleagues.
Temp still has that deal where Violet does the long dictations so Temp doesn’t have to. Thing is, apparently she still thinks that applies even when Violet isn’t around to do the long ones. So guess who still fucking gets them? Milady took a couple today, which given the state of me today was a godsend, but still.
Temp also appears to think that “the long ones” is “anything 2 minutes long or more”. Yet Violet and Milady don’t consider it a “long one” unless it’s over 4 minutes. So Temp gets all the really short, really easy ones, and leaves me with the ones that aren’t precisely long, but are long enough to get complicated. I swear if I look at one more placenta report this week...
Goblin’s still doing the thing where she takes stuff into her queue, doesn’t get around to some of them (and it’s always the long and/or complicated ones she ‘doesn’t get around to’), and then dumps them back into the queue when she leaves at 4pm. Which throws off the chronological order entirely until I wind up having to grab them because gods know Temp won’t. Thankfully we’re at least caught up to a point where those aren’t leftovers from yesterday’s dictations, but it’s still irritating and I dislike being left with her cast-offs because I know her and I know she left those because she spent work time on gossip and basically just narking at everything.
On top of all of this, my land line rings when I’m about a half-hour from the end of my workday. I pick up, and it’s this dude saying he’s calling about “my payment card”. I ask him to give me the name he has for me in his records. Usually this gets people to understand that no, I am not a complete pushover and I know what a scam call sounds like, and they generally hang up. This one goes, “No, we don’t have your name, but we’re calling on behalf of--” then named some company I’d never heard of. So I just said, “If you don’t have my name, you can’t possibly know that it’s my account, and you cannot have my phone number without my name. Have a nice day.” (That last with the energy of 'go fuck yourself’.)
I hurt. I am exhausted, but not sleepy-exhausted. I am basically fed up with everything and am clinging to silver linings as much as possible. Mostly because I neither have the energy nor physical mobility to go punch the people that deserve it.
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Hey!! I’m so sorry about the insomnia thing. I struggled BAD with this for about a year (not continuously thank goodness). It was onset insomnia where I wouldn’t fall asleep until 6-7am. I was exhausted, scared, and desperate.
I’ll relay what ended up helping me. First it’s important to know that my insomnia was a product of extreme anxiety about sleep and exhaustion itself, so all the tips out there about “sleep hygiene” and having a bedtime routine or evening meditation , etc actually made my insomnia worse, because it caused me to obsess too much over the mere concept of sleep and make too big a fuss over the whole process - what should be a natural, easy process when you’re feeling tired, right? Ha, wrong. Brain said no we’re staying awake EXTRA long now.
I relied instead more on distraction, and on reframing the importance I was putting on sleep. All the advice says “stay off your phone!” to get better sleep, but for me having my phone accessible in bed was a godsend to distract me when I would lie down and feel the anxiety and spiraling thought patterns kick up. I’d browse tumblr, or pinterest, read fanfic, and watch ASMR videos - anything that could help keep my mind occupied and not focused on the duality of feeling both exhausted and hyper-awake. This was big for managing it in the moment. Reading a book was also a great thing to do although sometimes hard because it would require turning on the light or sitting up in bed, which frequently felt like too much.
There’s lots of research out there that yells about the “danger” of not getting enough sleep. This definitely contributed to my anxiety. Our bodies are adaptable and resilient. Getting in touch with that deep trust and knowledge is difficult ( esp when the body doesn’t seem to be *cooperating*) but ultimately can make the experience less acutely frightening. Also! There’s research emerging that says that a) we NEED less sleep than we think and b) we often sleep more than we estimate and c) even if you’re lying in bed quietly but awake all night, you’re still getting some valuable rest-induced benefits! That last one was a massive positive discovery and helped me accept my body and mind in the moment and release the intensity of my need for control over how they were both behaving.
Other things that definitely helped over time (not immediately in most cases - it’s okay if it takes a few days or weeks, remember that): magnesium glycinate supplements and magnesium topical lotion/spray before bed, l-theanine throughout the day and evening, phosphatidylserine before bed, getting unfiltered bright morning sunlight each day, using a white noise machine and eye mask. I also found sleep-specific edibles to be really helpful, although I know you mentioned those didn’t work so well for you. It’s highly variable based on formula. I used Kiva brand and that might not be available in your area. They helped take the edge off at night so I couldn’t even get anxious in the first place which is why they worked - so anything similar for you would be a good starting point idea (not alcohol tho - that one screws with your ability to sleep).
Last major thing that helped me was another mindset based shift: I thought about all the days I survived already on slim-to-none sleep, all the things I accomplished and the moments of enjoyment I still was able to have despite the lack of rest and underlying exhaustion. And I reminded myself that I was still capable of living life even without lots of sleep (helps to really think about the times you’ve deliberately chosen to skip out on sleep for really special or fun reasons too! Those count! Those are evidence you can get through it!). Trust your body WILL get the rest it needs, sooner or later. It wants to keep you alive and it’s very VERY good at it in most circumstances, I promise. The brain will catch up to that :) this last tip was super super important, because the sleep anxiety was trying to tell me that I wouldn’t be able to enjoy my life at all ever again if I didn’t sleep. But it was wrong, and I sloooowly started to see that it was lying.
Now I rarely go more than a night at a time missing sleep, and it mainly happens when I get stressed about waking up earlier than usual, or an important event. And I understand where the anxiety comes from so I can gently head it off before I spiral into a true insomnia episode. And even if I do have a bad night - I know I’ll get through the next day, and sleep is coming for me soon. Just know that you can and will recover. I hope hearing my story and ideas helps you even a little bit!!
hi, thank you so so much for sending this. you have no idea how much it means. this hits me really hard because it sound so much exactly like what im going through. its so frustrating and annoying especially to me because im a bit of a perfectionist and control freak and when i cant get my brain and body to cooperate with what i want it makes me so angry and it just adds to the anxiousness. what u said about the sleep hygiene also makes so much sense. i always get so frustrated because its one of the first things i do, and even when the conditions are perfect and i still dont sleep i get so mad that i have to jump through all these hoops that the average person doesnt even have to think about and its still not helping. im also a bit of a pessimist when it comes to behavioral thinking patterns.. like for example i would never be a person who was likely to be able to be hypnotized because my brain just shuts down any suggestions or changes because its so rational that like if i try to change my mindset or do some self hypnosis or whatver another part of my brain quickly takes over and is like "of course this wont work on you because your just trying to trick yourself and this is what you REALLY think". but at the same time i have no control at all over my anxiety or thoughts and it just creates this situation thats such a paradox that it feels like theres no way out. its a vicious cycle where the more i cant sleep the more it takes up more and more of my energy and time. i really appreciate the way you worded this. its gonna take some time to make any of these changes, but i'll definitely try. it feels like my whole life revolves around sleeping and failing to do so (and i hate failing, which just makes everything worse) that if i could just reframe it so that it wasnt such an important, dominating part of my mind i think that would be extremely helpful. thank you so much again for taking the time to message me. its even just inspiring to hear someone in a situation so similar to myself was able to recover and make these changes. ♥️♥️♥️ i hope u have a great holiday season !
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My body hates me & I’m getting tired of the chronic fatigue and pain from doing normal people things.
Worst part is usually I’ll just resign myself to the fact I’m gonna sleep 10 plus hours a night, fuck my sleeping up to still feel fatigued & incapable of doing anything but the bare minimum if that & knowing that all of this will inevitably screw over my mental health - which is largely down to the fact it fucks with my sleeping pattern until I’m eventually up all night asleep all day.
But it’s Christmas and I have things to do, I had things to do and our dishwasher is broken so we have even more things to do. So now I’m Sleeping 10 plus hours a day, fucking up my sleep pattern & all of the above without an end in sight because instead of this cycle lasting for a couple days week max it’s just continual because I’m not getting the rest my body needs. I’m just pushing it more & more. Now I’m at the point where the bare fucking minimum is pushing my body over the edge especially cos standing to wash the dishes fucks w/ my back & legs.
We went to see Hozier Wednesday and it was REALLY good but it was in Birmingham so travel which fucked me up but it was worth it. Since getting back though I’ve been unable to do much including cooking so we’ve relied on takeout more than I’d like.
Tomorrow I’ve got to go xmas shopping. Something I was/am looking forward to but also my legs ache so much I don’t think I can handle much walking. Good news most presents can be gotten from one shop but it means I won’t get to enjoy just looking around. It’s a really big shopping centre, but I’m sure I’ll still enjoy it.
#erin talks#erin rambles#prsnl#chronic fatigue#I need to actually get around to booking an appointment with a specialist so I can find out what is wrong with me#The last one just said you meet some requirements but not confident dx’ing blah blah blah go back to your psychiatrist what BS#Too mentally ill can’t possibly also have physical health issues no all my symptoms must just be in my head lol my psych did warn me though
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my year in reading | 2020
Marking the passing of the years has a mystical and at the same time mundane quality to me. But time is passing and to reflect upon this linearity we all are bound to does always seem more magical than anything. So, as every year, I am embracing the turning of the years and look forward to a fresh start.
The end of an old year and the beginning of a new one is always an exciting time for someone as keen on semiotics and symbolism as I am. A thin membrane, much as on Halloween, that allows us to pass through to new endeavours, if we wish to see it that way.
And I do. I don’t scoff at New Year’s Resolutions and while I know that one can resolve to change and integrate new habits at any time of the year, any Tuesday in March or Saturday in June, this brief liminal space between two years is a magical one. Anything we ascribe value to automatically becomes valuable, as it is with birthdays, full moons or anniversaries of any kind.
I would rather be someone to see the magic in these things and give them meaning beyond that which is considered “real”, “plausible”, or “rational”, than turn away and let a moment that could be something special slip away unnoticed, without giving it the chance to attach itself to something.
January began atop the Himalayan mountains for me this year, freezing down to the bone in a tent. I did carry a book with me on this trip - The Snow Leopard, quite fittingly - though I did not turn one single page (difficult in 3 pairs of gloves) and have not finished it since. So, as has been my custom these past years, I began 2020 with The Secret History, a book that could never disappoint, unlike The Starless Sea by Erin Morgenstern, that I had eagerly awaited for more than a year. You win and you lose sometimes.
In February I succumbed to reading two quite popular crime novels - The Woman in the Window and The Girl on the Train - the latter of which was a gift from an Indian friend. Sadly, I wasn’t overly excited about either of them - maybe I have outgrown crime fiction for now? I also read and loved, as always, the fifth book in Seanan McGuire’s Wayward Children series - Come Tumbling Down.
My reading month was otherwise also filled with classics such as Animal Farm, The Turn of the Screw and In Cold Blood (I have apparently not lost any interest in true crime fiction), and I also watched the Greta Gerwig adaptation of Little Women twice at the cinema. But February also saw me returning to Germany, leaving my time in India behind, prompting me to read Vivek Shanbagh’s Ghachar Ghochar and Amitav’s Ghosh Gun Island immediately upon my return.
Gun Island especially was a magical book, in some ways reminiscent of A.S. Byatt’s Possession and I absolutely adored it. I listened to Ann Patchett’s The Dutch House while sorting through all my belongings, freshly picked up from Mainz, and I quite enjoyed it. The story itself maybe not so much as the impression left behind by the tangible aliveness of the house itself. With Faber and Faber, finally, I got a sneak preview of the rather unknown Celia Fremlin and her Ghostly Stories, of which I definitely need to read more.
March was the month that would dictate the beginning of the rest of the year, when the first lockdown came upon us. R came back from India, and we managed to see each other before boarders closed. And my cousin A came to stay with us for two weeks from Milan - which would turn into almost 3 months.
Most of the month I spent ploughing through Why We Sleep by Matthew Walker, a truly eye-opening exploration and a gloriously interesting study. Luckily my sleep patterns are already quite healthy but I feel like this book could turn some people’s minds around. I also read Jane Austen’s Emma (amazingly fun and vibrant!) and continued my slow but steady reading of Agatha Christie’s collection with 4:50 from Paddington.
“April is the cruellest month,” as T. S. Eliot teaches us, and fittingly, I read the horrifying A Little Life by Hanya Yanagihara, a touching but troublesome book that had me cry a little on the balcony. I also finished three more Agatha Christie novels and started a virtual bookclub with J and C for which I read Dear Mr. M by Herman Koch and Les Fiancés de l’Hiver by Claire Dabos, which I truly loved.
In May I began tutoring, visited R in Leuven and read two disappointments: The Wych Elm by Tana French and The Bass Rock by Evie Wyld.
Even another true crime read in June, His Bloody Project, did not convince me, whereas Anita Brookner’s Look At Me sparked memories of Shirley Jackson and was thoroughly enjoyed. I listened to Frederik Bakman’s Bear Town and Us Against You at breathtaking speed, while embroidering a sweater - my best handiwork project yet. I also finished A.S. Byatt’s beautiful The Children’s Book - a magical tale, and stunningly written. A left me in June, and I missed her companionship dearly.
I worked a lot in July, and finally visited C and J ! Embroidering and just simply seeing each other again. I finished Gillespie and I, which turned out to be different to what I imagined - delightful ! I was disappointed in July by The Essex Serpent, reread A Little Princess, Die Unendliche Geschichte and Digital Minimalism.
I continued with my reading of Austen with Sense and Sensibility and listened to the wonderful The Fellowship of the Ring, which made work hours so much sweeter. Finally, I finished off the month with the final Austen - Mansfield Park, which I loved.
In August, the month of my birth, I finished The Lord of the Rings trilogy once more as well as Mythos by Stephen Fry. But more importantly, August called for freedom from working, finding an apartment in Maastricht and seeing H and J in Berlin to celebrate my birthday - with books of course.
September was a quiet reading month, what with settling in the house, at uni and making new friends. I got a sewing machine, went to Munich for an India reunion and revelled in the beautiful autumn days in the city.
I still read Bunny, The House Without Windows and Hex, amongst various reads for uni. Dinners on the balcony and an exorbitant amount of Federweißer with my roommates rounded off the month, despite the low book count.
The month of Halloween, October, called for a sixth reread of The Secret History, a New Zealand read of The Rehearsal, as well as Rest and be Thankful (disappointing somehow) and The Supper Club (surprisingly delightful). I sewed and knitted and did presentations and wrote paper proposals. I also fell up the stairs and hurt my ankle pretty badly.
The most vivid memory I have of November is that of our silent dinner. I also read two more Agatha Christies, reread Daphne DuMaurier’s classic Rebecca and Ali Smith’s Artful, and loved Public Library, also by Smith. I got tested for Corona (negatively!), began Ashtanga yoga and finished Crossing the Water - a brilliant poetry collection of Sylvia Plath.
December began with a classic, Bonjour Tristesse, and culminated with My Best Friend’s Exorcism, as well as The Stranger Beside Me. Both books I had been meaning to read for years and they exceeded my expectations. Uni stressed me slightly, pending holidays as well and as lockdown 2.0 was announced my reading brain switched itself off.
Christmas was still a joy, with the family (minus Oma) coming together, R. visiting briefly and many a book under the Christmas tree. I started reading Susan Sontag’s journals - but I will carry their brilliance into the New Year. I finished off the year sewing costumes for our medieval-plague themed NYE, J and me celebrating together, since Covid plagued us once more and prevented C from coming. But we will enter the New Year singing Total Eclipse of the Heart as always and I take with me all the positive energy I have been carrying with me for a while now.
This is also the first year that I won’t achieve my reading goal - which I set at 80 books for 2020. Instead I am finishing with a still solid 67. Overall, despite all that has been going on in the world, I cannot complain about my 2020. But let’s still hope for the best (and prepare for the worst).
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🥹DAY 21 (10/10/23)🫡
Yeah I lost motivation. I haven’t even wanted to cam lately, Streamate has been like pulling teeth, but I told myself I’m going to try these few week days before I celebrate my bday this weekend.
Today is my bday btw and I didn’t even want to stay online to see if my regulars would show up. I’m NEVER camming 12a-4a again! I tried to do it to get the hours in, but screw that. I’m going to follow my 6-10a;6-10a at $93-$168 each shift and call it a damn day, until then, I’m done torturing myself with trying to make something work for me that’s not working.
I guess that’s the theme of my life so far, trying to end bad habits and harmful cycles. It’s not easy, but all I can do is keep trying. I’m not gonna beat myself up about it, I’ve done that before, I’m just trying to understand why I have these patterns that hold me back, and why I constantly feed into the same bad habits and frustrate myself with the same awful results!!
Anyways! I’m going to Applebees for $1 margaritas and then I’m getting online around 5a until 10a tomorrow morning. I’m probably only going to have 3 margaritas, that will put me to sleep good tonight!
Oh btw, dynamic pricing on Streamate, idk if it’s for me. Like I did grab a few newbies at newer prices, all lower than 8.99. I think I just need to set my minimum higher than 7.99, maybe 8.99, and then my maximum 11.99. We’ll see how it works in the morning! Until then here’s 4 sad hours of 12a-4a, and I’m never doing it again!!😂
Ttyl😂💕
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It’s only 10:15pm and I swore I’d stay up late tonight
#but I honestly am not gonna#I usually go to bed at 8#so this is pretty late#(don’t make a rhyme joke u idiot)#I’ll try again tomorrow#I have a week to screw up my sleeping pattern#not that I sleep much#but I am getting better and lying awake and staring at the ceiling#instead of staring at my screen till my eyes water I mean#anyways#this is my good night post#because I’m so tired#I did get a ficlet idea tho so might fuck around tomorrow#AFTER 10AM BECAUSE I WILL SLEEP TILL THEN#probs not but I’ll try#so ye#misha rants
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