#I have most of it memorized by now since I’ve read it like 5 times.

[closedrop]

Okay now that I’ve thoroughly processed the ending of Crisis Core, I have some thoughts

- I’m kinda upset that I was wrong about what was gonna go down because honestly I would’ve found it really interesting to see like the mako reactor blow up(?) is that what happened in Gongaga? And then Zack have to see that happen or something. It’s alright though I can deal without it ig…

- I didn’t actually realize Genesis liked poetry (cough cough LOVELESS) when I got my first impression of him and said “he seems like he’s into poetry so that’s a plus” and then when I realized I was right that was really funny.

-Speaking of Genesis liking LOVELESS he HAS to have read that book more times than anyone else imaginable. It’s just not possible for anyone to have read LOVELESS more than he has. Simply impossible. You can’t do it.

- I am still a big fan of all the little details that cause the future in Crisis Core, like Aerith’s bow and her dress too, Zack’s limit break, Zack helping name 7th heaven. And even foreshadowing like LOVELESS, because especially in Act I where it says “Three friends go into battle. One gets captured, one flies away, and the one that is left becomes a hero.” (Even though the game touches on this a little where Rothy and Genny discuss it) it can clearly reflect onto the fates of Angeal, Genesis, and Sephiroth. Although Sephiroth in his and Genesis’ discussion of Act I says that Genesis is welcome to have the role of hero it is actually he who becomes the hero I believe? That or he’s the one who flies away. It’s unclear to me because there can be multiple interpretations but here’s my take basically. *Ahem*

Scenario 1: Rothy is the Hero because he’s the only one from the AGS that appears in FFVII so hence “the one that is left” and he’s known AS A HERO before he kinda goes mad and kills a bunch of people. And that makes Genesis the one who flies away, this could be evidenced by how he is a deserter who worked with Hollander to try and stop the degradation orrr something like that but yeah.

Scenario 2: Genny is the Hero because of how Sephiroth and Angeal both died technically (idk the lore is weird there, Sephiroth like died but then he came back to life in FFVII because he was preserved or something?? I forgot- anyways-) this makes him the one remaining though, and Rothy flies away, as in he dies I guess. And also in the cutscene where he gets thrown with the masamune or something I guess he kinda like willingly throws himself down there using his singular wing (iirc) so that could be interpreted as flying away.

And Angeal… ehh let’s not dwell on it and say “being captured” just means he like kinda was killed by Zack or something. Sorry this kinda turned into my interpretation of LOVELESS mb

- IIRC Genesis basically created the idea for Banora white apple juice? Which is insane to me because how did nobody think of this before him?? Like, what’s with this child inventing apple juice? Let’s go?? I guess??? Good on him???

- I literally watched Zack go through the stages of grief throughout the whole game like at first iirc was like whaaat? SOLDIER and Shinra wouldn’t do this, naaaaah. Then it was how could they do this??! And just cover it up too!?? For why! And after that it was, him like (iirc) begging Cissnei to let him and Cloud go on since they didn’t do nothing but escape from testing that Hojo was putting them through in those test tube thingies. After this Zack is all depressed (not like he wasn’t before but he is super depressed now) because he feels like one, he can’t save anyone, and two, like he’s just been living a lie (especially after finding out about Lazard’s betraying Shinra), after that he continues to be tested on what he believes in choosing to in the end not to back to Shinra and instead protect Cloud then finally accepting his fate and knowing that the price of freedom is steep (haha reference TvT) and goes in to fight that whole army I guess which he most likely knows is going to get him killed, but he fights anyway for his freedom. And yeah that’s the stages of grief. You got Denial, anger, bargaining, depression, “testing” apparently according to Google, and then acceptance.

- This game made me like Sephiroth “Rothy” Sephiroth a little bit more than FFVII did because I got to see the side of him that shows before he’s lost to the madness. It’s interesting especially when you realize he is how he is in FFVII because he’s found out what made him. Poor guy 😔

- The probability of the “Silver elite” Sephiroth fan club being run by any of Angeal, Sephiroth, or Genesis is really high, especially when you consider the fact that they have information that nobody outside of those people would have. And the “never before seen” photos of Sephiroth/“photos that only not your average fan” could see. That information being though, the part about the training room and how apparently they’d like shoot an apple off the head of one of em. (Thin k it was Rothy slicing an apple offa Genny’s head? IIRC?) if I recall, it was said that they would SNEAK to be in the training room. Implying that nobody else knew about it other than them. It’s either that or they were really bad at sneaking. But the mail from Silver Elite said something along the lines of them sneaking to the training room to use as their personal playground, and if I recall Sephiroth says something similar in his flashback, saying they’d like sneak to use it when the seconds are out. (Sorry repetitive but yeah) so either it’s run by one of them OR that chairperson is very good at getting interviews with them.

Yes I joined all the fan clubs what about it? I’m a dedicated fan of all of them. Or something like that.

Idk I probably have more thoughts but it’s late and I’m tired soooo that’s all I have for now

[neutron-stars-collision]

Deadlines & Commitments

Neil x F!Reader

Chapter 6 - Canada Water Underground Station

Masterlist; Chapter 5 Summary: Neil shows you just how well he can take care of you. As the night at your place takes a turn, you both need to adjust to the slight change in the dynamic. Warnings: Explicit content, and I mean it; swearing; slight angst. Author's Notes: Okay, so I'm a day earlier than I thought but since barely anyone reads this anyway... *shrugs* might as well. This is 10+k of smut and then another 3k of mental spiralling (thanks to Duran Duran), to make things more entertaining :)) It's been a while since I wrote scenes like this and it proved to be a challenge but I do hope I delivered. One thing is certain - these two definitely were into whatever I envisioned in my daydreams ✨ Without further ado, I'm leaving you with another 14k of words. The motivation for this story fluctuates like crazy but for now, more is coming. Hope you enjoy and let me know what you think? 💕 Taglist: @hollandorks, @kristevstewart, @stargirl25 (let me know if you want to be added)

Although it was far from the very first time you had a gorgeous man kneel before you with a promising smile on his face and a determination to cure your ails through the sheer force of a good orgasm, it might have been the most memorable one.

If only just because of Neil’s eyes, staring into the depths of your soul as he carefully took off your underwear, simultaneously laying kisses on the expanse of your calves, knees, and thighs. In some shades of the light, you would swear his eyes were twinkling.

At first, you wanted to look away, hoping it would help your case. Make it seem less meaningful in this unspecified way that you could not and would not dissect for months. Soon, you found that you simply could not look away. Instead, you looked on, letting his tender caress arrest your senses and instantly put you back within that fuzzy space of mind. Once he took off your panties, Neil glanced up to meet your gaze, that dangerous smile still hiding in the corners of his mouth. His hands continued the journey, pulling up the dress for easier access, all the while driving you another step closer to madness with perfectly laid kisses, burning the tender skin of your inner thighs. Before you could even think of anything to say, he broke the heavy silence:

“You’re beautiful,” the certainty in his voice, as if stating a fact not unlike the existence of the forces of gravity, made you feel lightheaded.

Sure, it was something you had heard before. Maybe even often. But that didn’t mean you believed it. The notion scratched at the edges of your insecurities, never quite managing to scrape them away. Usually, it fell way off.

“See, I don’t know if I should take that seriously” stumbling through the sentence with a breathless voice, you subtly shifted your hips on the sofa and pointedly glanced down at Neil with what you hoped was ferocity, “Considering what you’re about to do to me,”

From his vantage point, with his hands pinning your thighs to the couch, legs wide open with everything on display, the point was more than evident. You could tell Neil caught it with how that light pink spread over his cheeks again, painting a fascinating contrast.

“You should,” drawing mindless circles on your kneecap as if to buy his time, Neil added, “I’ve thought it since I first saw you. It just didn’t seem the right thing to say back then” he shrugged, daring to put forward another mind-blowing concept.

Another fact undeniable only to him. As if desperate to make talking even harder for you, Neil took the pause as his chance to drop his gaze from that respectable position, wandering over your face to stare at the apex of your thighs with nothing but hunger in his eyes. You swallowed hard, feeling the arousal spread through your veins like wildfire.

“And now?” the question was all you could manage, driven by the remains of sanity that considered this answer essential.

As if it would change anything at all.

“Now I’m hopefully going to make you feel really good, so… There aren’t many lines left to cross” Neil glanced up at you again, that same confident smile acting as both a warning and an enticement, luring you in.

As if aware of your increasingly muddled state, he let go of your knee to squeeze your hand and grinned. There was nothing more you felt capable of saying. Or doing, except to drop your head back on the sofa headrest and let Neil do whatever the fuck he wanted.

Which was to trace an invisible line up the expanse of your right leg to that place between your thighs, that was already drenched because of him. Even that ghostly touch burned your skin as Neil carefully parted your folds with the tip of his index finger and dragged it through the slick. Muffling a groan by forcefully biting your lower lip, you closed your eyes. You were already on fire.

“Is this all for me?” the wonder in his voice, combined with just enough smugness to make you consider punching Neil in the face, was another reason to drown in the embarrassment.

Although, drowning in need was a close second with how Neil slowly mapped out his terrain, spreading the wetness over your slit and around the entrance. Preparing you for what he had in mind.

Before you knew what you were doing, your hand had found its way to the nape of his neck, lightly playing with the hair ends and pressing against the warm skin. The contact acted like an anchor, assuring you of the realness of the situation.

“Yeah, but don’t get too cocky about it,” the end of what you hoped to be a warning never quite landed as it was immediately followed by a gasp.

A consequence of the fact that Neil decided to use that exact moment to delve in. His warm breath fanned across your bare skin as he settled between your thighs with a simple comment:

“I’ll do my best” the tail end of the quip was followed by the first experimental lick through your folds, the tongue lightly dragging through the sensitive skin.

You choked on a curse, fingers of the occupied hand already tangling in his blonde locks. Your other hand gripped the sofa edge hard enough that you worried it would leave indents in the material.

Neil took that sound as a cue, repeating the move till you could barely stay still. Keeping your hips pinned to the couch with one arm slung across your thighs, he swirled his tongue over your heat, collecting the arousal as if he was dying of thirst. Just when you thought he would offer respite, he dragged the tip of his tongue up towards your clit and focused the attention on the spot that had you crying out loud.

It was easy to let go then. To keep your eyes closed when Neil’s thoughtful manoeuvres and skilled tongue attacked your senses with an intensity that soon made it impossible to think or speak. Resorted to incoherent mumblings and moans, you tugged at Neil’s hair with force, making him groan. The sound went straight to your core, shooting like a live wire through your body and making you tense up. He was good at this. Not that you ever doubted he would be. He listened and used the cues available to go where you needed him, interchanging between lapping at your heat and sucking your clit. Like a scholar dedicated to his study. Like a devoted believer praying at the altar of his God.

Or goddess, apparently.

You could feel the knot in your lower stomach tighten, that wave of pleasure getting close to unbearable with every second. An attempt at speech only got you as far as a breathless admission, interrupting the silence filled with nothing but your shameless screams:

“I’m so close” it was merely a fact, something he could discern from the force of your grip over his hair or the way you quivered, barely able to keep yourself together, “Neil, please just-”

You did not even know what you were asking for. Something. Anything.

He knew anyway. You felt a comforting touch, a careful hand tracing invisible circles on the skin of your outer thigh as Neil took a break to glance up. Your eyes snapped open at the interruption, meeting his gaze as if following a sense you had no label for.

Much later, you would wonder whether that, the connection so alike the first time your eyes met over the carriage floor, could be something different than a trick of light. Something substantial. Something terrifying.

But, back then, you could only stare back. Vulnerable and at his mercy, yet not scared of the prospect. As if able to read your mind or the incoherent ramblings resembling scatterings of thoughts, Neil shot you a grin. His lips and chin were glistening, coated with your slick. The sight was enough to make you clench around nothing and shudder. Your body wound tight still.

Whatever Neil saw in that moment of silence must have been what he was searching for. Your eyelids fell close when you felt him dive in again, the talented lips enveloping your heat without a second wasted.

Before you could as much as let yourself immerse in the steady rise of pleasure, in the exact feel of his mouth at the most sacred of places you could offer, he took it that one step further. Delivering the deathly stroke with the tip of his tongue, prodding at your entrance, and penetrating it without mercy. It was too late to try muffling the cry torn out of your throat without warning. Christ. You could only attempt not to rip the hair from his head as you tugged at the blonde locks and tried to get him closer. Tried to do what you always did and take what you wanted.

But Neil would not let you, his grip unyielding over your hips, keeping you pinned to the sofa. Keeping you spread out and helpless as he dragged you over the precipice with the tenderness of his touch and the determination of a man desperate to do well. Desperate to serve.

“Oh, fuck,” the curse carried on a moan in that last flash of coherence before the edges of your vision darkened, and your spine rose in an arch, unable to hold still anymore, “I’m-” the thought, whatever it was meant to be, was never finished.

Instead, it got replaced with a litany of his name, whispered with the tint of ecstasy, colouring the vowels and consonants. As if you had nothing else to say. No one else to praise. Just Neil. The wave of pleasure crashed into you without subtlety, its force rendering you numb as you quivered beneath his tongue and under his firm hands. Neil held you as you shook, licking you clean as if he did not want to lose the taste of you from his tongue for hours to come.

When the orgasm started fading, and you felt your body relax again, falling limp against the cushions, you opened your eyes. The hazy vision blurred the edges of your living room, making it seem soft and pliant. Unreal. With a quiet sigh, you glanced down just in time to see Neil raise his head and meet your gaze.

He painted a picture, as always. The blonde strands fell into his eyes, and the sharp cheekbones bathed in pink blush as his lips curled into a smirk. That sudden spike of desire to grab his tie and pull him into a kiss, to learn what your taste feels like on his tongue, was hard to fight against. It made you curl your hand into a fist, focusing on the shade of blue in his eyes. Until you could take another breath. Until your heart rate slowed down. Until everything felt real.

Until you knew what was happening next.

As if aware of the internal crisis, Neil stayed quiet. He observed you with almost unnerving stillness before seemingly finding what he was looking for and letting your legs close with a final kiss on the kneecap. He propped his chin on your thigh, almost resembling a perverse image of a lapdog that you had no idea you were into before now. Curious.

“Everything alright?” the huskiness of his voice swept over your senses like a chilling breeze, waking you up from a trance.

What a silly question. As a preamble to an answer, you shot Neil a wide grin, aware of the madness still clearly visible in your eyes. It hardly mattered.

“Even better” dragging your fingers through his golden mane, you relished in the slight tremble of his hands as Neil settled them atop your thighs. Now it was time to give praise where it was due, “I always knew you’d be good at this, but… fuck’s sake,” that was as far as intelligence went, replaced with a groan that doubled as a dreamy sigh.

It still barely covered what you wanted it to. But Neil knew. It was visible in the pleased smile and the knowing glance thrown your way from his spot at your feet. Almost lazily, his tongue darted out to lick his lips clean of your arousal. Without breaking the eye contact. Of course.

You could hardly ignore the fact that you were wet again. Still, that is.

“I aim to serve, m’lady” squeezing your thigh, Neil got up from his knees to sit by you on the sofa.

He stayed close, and that proximity, complete with the undiminished hunger in his eyes, told you all you needed to know. A push in the right direction.

“Yeah, you do” offering Neil a sly smirk, you shifted so that you were facing him and reached out to grab his tie and pull him close. Just like God intended. Probably, “Come here, I need to-” that sentence had no end prepared, so you sealed it with a kiss.

Your lips covered Neil’s with a self-explanatory intent as your tongue teased and prodded until he opened his mouth and let you in. That first taste of yourself coating his tongue was a revelation. It made you groan, motivating you to rise on your knees and climb into his lap without breaking the kiss. That second of hesitation following the bold move was eradicated when Neil pulled you closer with his hands on your waist. He kissed you as if his life depended upon it, swirling his tongue around yours and mapping out the inside of your mouth. A rush of blood to your head was the reason why you decided to switch it up, lightly scraping your teeth over his bottom lip and pulling until you got a response. The answering growl, reverberating through his chest, ignited the sparks burning out in your blood. Now you knew what you needed to happen. The realisation made you pull back with a final peck upon his parted lips and open your eyes.

Neil’s wrecked gaze felt like a boost to the system, increasing your confidence. It was a reason why you comfortably settled in his lap and regarded him with quiet contemplation. Returning the earlier look.

You tried not to dwell on how different it felt, unhurried and deliberate like none of your previous hook-ups. How uncomplicated it all seemed, with Neil’s steady gaze and firm hands holding you still. How unavoidable you had deemed it to be a long time before. You tried and failed, burying the thoughts behind a wall of sensations and feelings. You hoped they would never resurface again. Somehow.

“Good?” Neil’s question made you start, instantly pulling you back from the abyss in your head.

The surprise must have shown on your face, for Neil followed the question by brushing his nose against yours, tenderness permeating every glance and gesture.

It was almost too much.

“Great” aware of the shakiness of your smile, you splayed your hand over the expanse of his chest, feeling the heartbeat.

It was both a distraction and searching for confirmation. A confirmation that you were not about to make an idiot out of yourself.

The rapid beat beneath your hand erased the doubts, helping you make that decisive move. Meeting Neil’s questioning gaze, you smiled. The edge of your grin turned sharp at the mere thought. Before he could catch the meaning, you got up from the sofa and reached out a hand towards Neil. Extending an invitation.

You could see the quick calculations behind his stare, the blue eyes switching between your extended hand and the enigmatic expression. Although the silence felt eternal, it only lasted a beat. Without another word, Neil took your hand, enlaced your fingers in a loose hold, and stood up from the couch. The certainty in his gaze made it easy to start leading him towards the room down the corridor. The room he has already seen, albeit not in this context.

At the doorway, you let go of him to turn on the lamp in the corner, bathing the room in a warm glow. Neil crossed the threshold, following you like a ghost. You did not need to tell him to shut the door till only a small gap remained. Or to meet you halfway across the room and pull you back into his embrace like you belonged there.

And tonight, it felt like you did.

One giddy kiss quickly turned into the next and then another after that. Until you were both gasping for breath, needy hands tugging and sliding across the pieces of clothing that were in the way. It was then, midway through an inhale you desperately needed, that you realised there was one crucial thing left to settle. One question that you owed Neil:

“Before I make a fool of myself… Do you want this?” settling your hands on his shoulders, you met Neil’s gaze with what you hoped was a coherent enough look.

You could tell the question surprised him from the way his eyes widened, hands wrinkling your dress over the hips with a tight grip. But the pause only lasted a second.

“I wouldn’t be here if I didn’t” the confidence was striking, almost fatal in how well it fit his beautiful face. The angles softened by the warm light, and the smugness still felt lethal, threatening to cut you open if you kept on being reckless. You pushed the warning to the back of your head, focusing on the look in Neil’s eyes, “I want you. So much it drives me crazy” the admission completed the desire in his gaze.

Its simplicity drove a shiver up your spine and bloomed heat on your cheeks. While it was nothing you have not anticipated, hearing it said so plainly drove the point home. It offered no space to bargain for insecurities and doubts. As much as you still did not know the expiration date on this precious, lovely thing between you, now you knew where it was going. You knew the drill. The logic of it. Need, want, desire. Yearning to have another person, claim them as your own, just for one night. Just until you felt whole again. One night should be enough.

Right?

Instead of addressing that thought, you smoothed out the creases in Neil’s tie and met his gaze with indifference. (At least outwardly).

“Fab. I’m glad we got that sorted” giving the Windsor knot a final pat, you shot Neil a smile.

Slowly, with his grounding touch running over the sides and down to your hips, you could feel the temperature rise again. The increase was steady, not yet overwhelming like before on the sofa, but it was very much there. It made your gaze wander, trailing down the column of his neck, begging to be kissed and bitten, to the expanse of his chest, still hidden by the frustrating layers of cotton and linen. You desperately wanted to get your hands on him. Properly.

“Do you?” the question caught you by surprise, making you look up to see Neil’s searching gaze.

Your brain muddled with want, needed another second to understand what he meant. Only then disbelief took the stage, with the bewilderment in your eyes. What kind of stupid question was that?

“Obviously. I’ve only been eye-fucking you for months” that was an understatement.

But it hit the mark, with a hitch in his chest and a subtle move of hands on your hips pulling you a fraction closer. Enough so there was barely space left between your bodies, and you could just about feel the effects of your words and actions on Neil. At least the physical side of them. A glance down, below his belt, confirmed the suspicions and made you grin like a wolf that has just spotted its prey for the night.

“Have you now?” the hints of amusement in his voice, still somehow mixed with uncertainty, were enough to put the need aside for one second and meet Neil’s gaze with confidence.

The apprehension, when it came to how you saw him, had no place here. Not when each time you laid your eyes on him, you only found more reasons to be captivated. Not when Neil tended to be the only one you could see when you were together. When he haunted your dreams with beauty and pleasure. No, that wouldn’t do.

Covering his hands with yours, you stood on the tiptoes to kiss him on the forehead. Leaning in, you whispered a simple admission:

“Yes, Neil” you hoped he could tell there was more behind those two words. That he could see the depths of admiration you had never possessed for another person, save for him. That he knew how much you meant every tender compliment and careful touch. It was the most you could offer. The furthest line you would cross. It was high time to return to the crux of the conversation. You did so with a bat of the eyelashes and a smirk on your face, “And now I want you to fuck me. Is that clear?”

Admittedly, the whiplash you served Neil was quite something. He took it with a few seconds of hesitation, a lack of comprehension flashing through his eyes in something resembling the 500 error screen. You fought the urge to burst out in ridiculous giggles. Then, as if his brain finally caught up with your words, Neil blinked. Once, then twice. Blue eyes flashing with inklings of understanding. It was fascinating to watch. To notice the different shades of his iris and then the exact second when yearning replaced the previous confusion and took up reigns.

“Yes, m’am” grinning wide, Neil mimicked a lazy salute and took a decisive step forward, pushing you towards the bed with newly minted drive.

You sure did not mind the initiative, letting him steer you in the right direction until you felt the edge of the mattress hit the backs of your legs. A sudden strike of inspiration made you use the years of ballet and turn on your toes, pivoting you both to reverse the positions. His quiet gasp was an indication that you succeeded. Without another word, you pushed him down to sit on the bed, meeting the bewildered gaze with a grin. It was high time he got used to it.

When you had him where you wanted – seated below you with a gaze full of awe and parted lips, you whispered the only praise that came to mind:

“Good boy,” the effect was instant.

A swallowed groan, complete with an eye roll that was still somehow fond. Before you could react, tease him further, Neil reached out to grab onto your hips and pulled you down, throwing you off balance. There was no point in resisting gravity as you tumbled down onto the mattress with a whoosh and found yourself in his arms. Again. His hands wandered over your body in broad strokes, igniting the fire as you closed the distance and captured his mouth in a kiss.

One kiss stretched into another and one more still, spanning minutes and seconds until you were both gasping for oxygen. Until all you could taste was Neil, and all you could feel was his touch. Between one sharp inhale and the next, you placed a kiss on the edge of his mouth and started trailing pecks down the column of his neck, making Neil shiver and moan. Each kiss was sealed with the tiniest bite, barely reddening the tender skin and a reconciliatory lick so you could satiate the desire with his taste. Just a little bit.

His exploring hands crept beneath the hem of your dress again, pulling up the fabric and creating goosebumps on your thighs. There was no guessing what it meant. Ending your intensive study with a lingering bite over his pulse point, marking him for everyone to see, you leaned back far enough to meet Neil’s gaze. You offered him a subtle nod and sat up, twisting so he could see the zipper running down your spine. The message was clear. He caught it with a knowing smirk, lightly brushing away the hair falling over the nape of your neck. The tremble in the wake of his touch had to be disguised with a sigh.

Even now, Neil was gentle. One of his hands settled on the back of your neck, stroking the delicate skin with unnecessary care, while the other tugged at the zipper, slowly undressing you. That first hit of colder air in the apartment was a shock to the system, making you inhale sharply. The sound alerted Neil. His hand skirted down your spine to warm up your skin revealed beneath the dress. Now, you could not do anything about the shivers rocking through your body in an embarrassing display. Before you could even attempt to fill the silence with another dose of bullshit, Neil pulled the zipper all the way down to the base of your spine and slipped his hand inside the dress. The warmth of his palm against your bare stomach felt like a burning flare, putting your soul alight. Sucking in the air sharply, you pressed your back to his chest, seeking out more.

The intimacy of the moment could not escape your attention. The slow pace and conscious decisions to get to know each other first were something new. Something unheard of as far as your hook-ups went. There was no rush in tearing off the clothes and getting off as far as possible to avoid the thoughts catching up. Instead, there was Neil’s hand against your midriff and his mouth against the back of your neck, gently biting the sensitive skin and making it impossible for you to detach from the present moment. Not that you wanted to.

When he deemed it right, Neil leaned back and slipped the dress off your shoulders. A sudden uncertainty took root in your heart, like a bad seed eager to corrupt the rest of the crops. What was about to happen seemed substantial somehow. Despite the improbable nature of the idea that Neil could take one look at you naked and decide that you were not worth his time, the concept was still there. It replaced the previous bravado, making you exhale shakily before standing up and turning towards him, holding up the article of clothing to keep it from falling.

You knew there was no point in fooling yourself that Neil did not catch on to your hesitation. Not with the way he always saw right through whatever posturing you tried to attempt. You met his gaze, aware of the extent of damage to the reputation it would do. All you found looking back at you was his silent reassurance, trying to keep you anchored. Inhale. Exhale.

Before your brain could become a little bitch again, you relaxed the hold over the fabric, letting it fall to the floor. You had nothing to hide behind, having left the bra back in the dressing room and your underwear on the floor of the living room. The chill in the air made you tremble, barely resisting the urge to cover up.

Neil’s gaze remained steady as he took you in. His eyes roamed over your body, noting the curves and edges, imperfections, and flaws. That fear was still there, making you tighten your hands into fists. Neil closed the gap, taking both your palms into his and relaxing the muscles. Taking a deeper breath, you risked meeting his eyes. The blue depths lured you in, showing nothing but affection and infatuation. For reasons unknown, the look felt dangerous in way you could not describe. So, you stared back, ignoring the desire to fill the stifling silence with words that could not be taken back.

As always, Neil proved to be the braver one.

“Are you alright?” his soothing tone complemented the gentle touch of his hands running up your bare arms to rest over your shoulders.

Even now, Neil proved to be shockingly respectful. His eyes never strayed from yours and although he had all rights to touch you as he pleased - he did not. Something in his gaze told you this was a given for Neil. A rule he would never even consider crossing. The realisation helped you find your voice again.

“Always,” the wavering tone did nothing to create an illusion of nonchalance.

But then, it was too little too late, anyway.

Upon Neil’s searching gaze, you nodded. It must have been what he was looking for because the next thing you knew, he was placing a lingering kiss on your lips and letting his hands wander. At first, tentatively down the centre of your chest and over the heart, beating so fast you would swear even Neil could hear it pounding in the silence. Then, he got braver, palms cupping your breasts and tracing the pink areolas, making you gasp and tense. If his hand delved between your thighs, you knew he would find you dripping wet.

But he didn’t. Instead, Neil mapped out the constellations of freckles and beauty marks over your chest and stomach while massaging your breasts and stoking the fire burning underneath your skin.  When he first tweaked your nipple, the resulting moan made you clamp your mouth shut with your hand and stare at him in silent horror. There was no room for aloofness and detachment here. No space to pretend you were not bothered. And that was terrifying.

Yet, the most terrifying moment came a little later when Neil had you spread out beneath him on the bed. He was still wearing clothes, and it was a fact that would have caused much more annoyance had he not just finished leaving marks over your chest, kissing, and biting all the sensitive spots. Your panting mouth was still parted on a gasp when Neil released your nipple with a wet pop and moved back up to meet your gaze. Like this, with his cheeks permanently coloured pink and lips red from the kisses you did not seem able to stop trading, he was exceptionally breath-taking. Your chest heaved as you attempted to formulate any words, but before you could succeed, Neil broke the silence:

“You’re beautiful” it was an echo from maybe an hour before, uttered with even more reverence.

The effect was strengthened by the look in his eyes, roaming over your face with something akin to worship.

Worship you were not worthy of. Never. And especially not by Neil, who, without a shadow of a doubt, deserved better. The thought was not anything new, yet it acted like a bucket of ice-cold water, wiping off the dreamy haze you had settled into. Oh, so stupidly.

Suddenly, the rightness of it all seemed wrong. Skewed in a direction you did not dare ponder. Because yes, Neil was the right one, the one you desperately needed to have. Even if just once. But not like this. Not with all those feelings and monumental thoughts that strayed too far from the comfort zone. No, you had to act. Had to remind both Neil and yourself what was going on here. Who you were supposed to be.

Swallowing past the inexplicable lump in your throat, you sat up and pushed Neil up with your hands around his neck. It was much easier to breathe like this, no longer entirely at his mercy. With his blue eyes peering at you with curiosity, you settled your hands on the buttons of his vest and smirked:

“You’re wearing too many clothes,” now that sounded more like you.

It was a perfect opener, instantly eliciting a reaction in the form of widened eyes and parted lips. Neil stared at you for something close to thirty seconds, which proved that it was the last thing he expected you to say. But then, just as you dared undo the first button of his vest, he grinned. That wolfish smile which haunted your sleepless nights flashed at you with an edge of something dangerous hidden beneath. Something you wanted to discover.

“Then do something about it, Cupid” Neil shot you a wink and leaned back on his elbows to strengthen the point.

The point that you were allowed to do whatever you wanted to him. There was no need to say it twice. You undid the rest of the buttons on his vest, pushing the garment down his shoulders and letting Neil shrug it off till the garment landed on the floor. It had served its purpose. Definitely.

Loosening up the tie was the easy part, and as you took it off over his head, you paused with the burgundy accessory in hand. The second of hesitation did not go unnoticed.

“What’s up?” Neil’s cautious tone made you grin as you looked up to see him peer at you with curiosity and alarm in equal proportions.

Wrapping the tie around your fist to keep the accessory as a needed prop dressing in the scene, you shrugged:

“Nothing. I’m just thinking about the different ways I could use this on you” the twinkle in your gaze was unmistakable for what it suggested.

There sure were ideas. Tones of them, and one better than the other. Images like wrists bound together with the tie or the burgundy fabric used as a blindfold were only a start of what you could concoct at the spur of the moment. The ideas alone made you shiver with anticipation.

Even more so when you saw Neil’s blank gaze, staring at the very topic of the conversation with something that could only be described as revelation. It dawned slowly as his pupils dilated, and the darkness consumed the blue irises. Licking his lips thoroughly as if already feeling the effects of what was about to happen, Neil raised his head and met your gaze.

“Now?” he sounded breathless, tongue stumbling even over a one-word question.

You buried the wave of affection under a dry chuckle, focusing on unbuttoning his shirt with single-minded focus. The tortoiseshell buttons necessitated a certain degree of patience, which you were not sure you possessed. And least of all right now. But, considering that the alternative was doing something stupid like ripping it off him, you did your best. The expletives still came, even if only in the quiet of your mind.

“Next time” once you were halfway done, you looked up and winked.

Was it too much? Probably. It assumed a course of events that you had no right to dump on Neil. Let alone like this. As if it was a given. But hopes were there, traitorously scheming in the unconscious layers of your psyche. Faint wishes that maybe you could have more than a one-night special.

Before you could dwell on the probability of thoughts like these, you broke eye contact again and glanced at your work in progress. With just a couple of buttons left, you could see the perfect canvas - pale and almost unblemished. You rushed through the remaining steps and pushed the shirt down his arms until he took over the task with a smirk and shrugged it off. You did not wait to look where the shirt had fallen as your eyes took in the picture.

He was beautiful in that perfectly imperfect way that tended to catch you unaware. His broad chest narrowed at the waist, presenting just the right amount of musculature. Strong arms drew you like a magnet, and you did not hesitate before letting your hand dart out to skim over his biceps and down the planes of his chest to touch the firm muscles. Neil was watching you intently. His gaze followed your every move as you slowly took him in. Noticing the scattering of beauty marks along the inside of his right arm and the dark, coarse hair covering his torso. Pressing your hand against the centre of his chest, you felt the beat of his heart and the heat of his skin. A strange sense of completion settled in your chest, making the heat bloom on your cheeks. That never happened before, either.

Before you could spiral over that singular, alarming thought, Neil covered your hand with his and asked:

“Better than the picture?” although the smug smile graced his features, you could sense hesitancy underlining the question.

A fear that you were about to laugh at him or ridicule his looks. As if he wasn’t the most incredible person you’ve seen. As if you were not rendered speechless.

There was no other way to approach it than by acting. Fast.

You glared at him with what you hoped promised no bullshit to be accepted and pushed at his chest till Neil was sprawled on your bed with his head propped on the headboard. He painted a beautiful picture. The only flaw was the infuriating presence of pants, but that had to wait. Just a little longer.

When you had him where needed, you straddled his lap and met his slightly bewildered gaze with a confident smile.

“Definitely,” you nodded, strengthening the statement with a careful touch as your fingers stroked his torso, wandering down till you could lay your palm flat against his abdomen. The trail of darker hair disappearing under the belt acted like a magnet, and you did not even try resisting the pull, “You’re fucking stunning,” sealing the compliment with a kiss was just a formality.

Yet the way Neil leaned into it, kissing you back with the ferocity of that first time on the platform, made your head spin. Somewhere, at the edge of consciousness not presently occupied with the taste of his tongue and the exact way his mouth pressed against yours, you could not ignore the obvious. The fact that it was never like this. No one-night-stand ever felt this deliberate and measured in a way that still incited a fire in your stomach and hunger in your blood. There was something different in how you kissed and let things slowly build up to sex rather than just rushing through every step along the way.

It all led to another thought, a faint realisation that you might have already subconsciously decided that one time with him would not be enough. Even before getting to know what it was like. That thought was not as terrifying as you expect it to be. Still, you ignored it, placing it among the towering piles of things not spoken or thought of until the end of time itself.

The piles were beginning to topple. One by one.

Neil broke the kiss with a telling gasp, shifting beneath you and bumping his hips into yours, drawing your attention back where it belonged. Namely to the darkness of his eyes and the visible bulge below the belt. Your hands almost automatically wandered to the belt buckle, but before you could put them to work, his breathless attempt at speech made you stop:

“I’m not-” you did not need to hear the sentence to understand it.

It was there in the uncertainty of his gaze and the bashful blush on his cheeks. How he still chose to stare at the bedcover instead of you, even when you were in his lap, free to be ogled for all he liked.

It was increasingly clear that Neil was not like that. That he was not like anyone you had ever known.

Ignoring that primal desire to undo his belt right this very instant, you abandoned the task and cupped his face between both hands, forcing Neil to meet your gaze.

“You are. Trust me,” there was no need to make those words sound convincing, for you believed it more than you knew how to express.

You stared as Neil seemingly tried to take it in. His eyes roamed over your features with scrutiny for a beat. He must not have found anything amiss because the next thing you knew, Neil was breaking into a smile and pulling you back into his arms.

Things went a little easier after that when you could fall upon familiar sensations and actions to push you in the right direction. Sure, there still were a couple of hung-ups, like that embarrassingly long pause you stumbled into once you had successfully taken off Neil’s trousers and underwear and could compare imagination to reality. Your imagination fell short. Somehow. Because, as you probably should have expected, Neil had no reason to compensate for anything. In the slightest.

At first, your undivided attention made Neil fall quiet, with the bashfulness threatening to replace the tentative confidence you were beginning to enjoy about him. But that changed when you shook off the hitch and let your hands explore. Your fingers traced the veins on his length as your palm started stroking him with confident twists in the wrist. Then Neil was not able to stay quiet any longer. He groaned, the sound reverberating through his chest as he laid next to you on the bed. Something in his gaze made it impossible to look away as you stroked and touched him, listening to the cues so earnestly provided. Soon enough, you knew what he liked, what moves elicited the moans that shot right to your core, making you squeeze the thighs hard in pointless hopes that it would do something to ease the throbbing want. It didn’t do shit.

As if reading your mind (or simply seeing the need written all over your face), Neil batted your courageous hands away with a pained glare that told you all you needed to understand and allowed his palms to wander. The hand that was previously placed on your hip slid down your naked skin. The places he touched felt like they were on fire, and the sensation grew when you felt his elegant hand delve between your legs again with confidence. Unbeknownst to Neil, that – his beautiful and mouth-wateringly long fingers moving between your thighs and between your folds – was a frequently-featured hit in your nightly fantasies. The reality lived up and surpassed the imagination in this case, too.

A wolfish grin you noticed too late did not warn you of what was coming. Neil wasted no time. His right hand instantly darted to your clit to circle the bud with precision and speed that matched the level of your fever. With him, you found no need to fill the silence with pointless words, instead letting yourself gasp and moan as he met your gaze with a smirk on his face and dipped a finger inside. There was no need to question the wetness he must have found, yet you noted a surprise pass through his face as if that was somehow unexpected. But you had no time to dwell on the thought. That delicious stretch as Neil added the second finger to your entrance wiped all coherence from your head. A loud moan tore at your throat as you shivered, finally feeling something take care of the emptiness at your core. But it wasn’t enough. It wouldn’t be till you had him.

His fingers quickly build up a rhythm, with the thumb pressing at your clit just right. Your hands, which had previously idly rested on his chest, ventured up to grasp at his shoulders, looking for support as the pressure rose with overwhelming pace. You were aware of the red lines you were scratching on his back and the pathetic moans and half-swallowed curses that permeated the silence. But you were unable to do anything about them. Not with how Neil knew exactly what to do to make you come. Again.

That lethal strike came when you felt a third digit delve inside. It joined the other two, keeping up the pace and making you scream with pleasure. The perfect fulness could only be replaced with one thing. One sensation that would go beyond it. It was a thought that pushed you over the edge, making you rake your fingers through his skin and squeeze your eyes shut against the force of the orgasm. Only once you felt like you could breathe again, lying lifelessly on the bedding, you opened your eyes again. The smug smile on Neil’s face confirmed one thing – he knew what he was doing. You were but a mere puppet in his hands.

A very willing puppet, one might add.

When you recovered the senses and coherence enough to speak, you met Neil’s gaze and stated:

“I’d like you to fuck me” there was no need to hide behind metaphors and euphemisms when saying it out loud was merely a formality.

Everything before led to it, after all. Every touch, glance, and flirtatious exchange that with Neil was almost too easy. It was what you always wanted, right from that first conversation and the dawning understanding that Neil was too incredible to forget. It was not an accident that ever since meeting him, you had close to no desire to have sex with anyone else, no pull to score another hookup in the bathroom of a club or the apartment of yet another random guy.

No, what you wanted (who you wanted) was Neil.

What you saw in his eyes, looking back at you through the narrow space between your heads, told you that he got the message. The yearning you often thought you saw in his gaze was present now. Along with want that dripped from his hands as they touched your body, tenderly yet with purpose. Neil stared at you as if he never wanted to look away and could not be convinced to. Like you were the only thing he desired. Or at least, you hoped it was like that for him. Too.

“Are you sure?” the pre-emptive question would have been silly was it not so damn endearing coming from him.

It coexisted with his hands skating over every inch of your skin within his reach and his hardening length pressing against your thigh. You had no choice but to offer him a smirk and cup his face to soften the tone. Just a notch.

“Very,” sealing the response with a kiss, you moved closer across the minimal space so that no gap between you remained.

It was easy to hitch your thigh over his hip and take him in your hand to guide him inside. It was easier still to break the kiss with a gasp once you felt him enter you. The sound mixed with his choked breath, sharp and sudden as if even though it was expected, Neil was not quite ready. His hand tangled in the hair at the back of your head, gently holding you close. The other was splayed over your waist, helping to find that perfect angle. He slowly inched inside, taking his time to bottom out, for which you were more than grateful. The pace helped you get accustomed to the feeling of fullness, almost painful yet not at all. The slight discomfort was the wake-up call you needed, a sensation so familiar that you could rely upon it to find your footing. To ignore the feelings and inconvenient thoughts for the sake of this, right here.

It helped you adjust the position, placing your hands on his shoulders for leverage and meet his gaze. A moan upon the feeling of him inside you, filling you perfectly, was muffled with a kiss he incited. It deepened as you opened your mouth for Neil and shifted so that your pelvises were touching. The move made him break the kiss with a telling groan, expressing exactly how it felt. He occupied all your senses, making it impossible to think or do anything but stare back at his beautiful face, now transformed by pleasure.

That first moment, the first sensation of connection when you slept with someone new, often hit like a drug. A dopamine hit, going straight to your brain. A rare sense of completion, especially sweet after months or weeks of pining for someone. It was like that now, too. The sensation of his naked skin touching yours, the heat of his body burning at your cells, and the strange knowledge that at least for the moment, you were one. Bodies and souls joined for one common purpose. Chasing that spectacular high that you knew was in reach now. Only then did you not feel like you were missing something crucial that you would never attain.

“All good?” your silence must have been alarming, for Neil’s question had a tint of concern underlining it.

Only that made you realise he was still as if frozen by uncertainty and afraid to mess it all up somehow. As if that was possible.

That had to be amended instantly.

“Yes,” offering him a slightly manic grin perfected by insanity in your gaze and tender touch ghosting over his beating heart, you added, “You can move now,”

Neil did not need to be told twice. He took your hand in his and started the slow tempo, thrusting with something you could easily mistake for gentleness. Softness you were not used to crashed against the walls built around your guarded heart. For now, they were too weak to cause damage. Thank God.

Tightening the hold over his palm, you raised your joined hands over your heads, looking for something to hold on to. Your other hand found purchase on his shoulder, digging in your fingernails as the pressure rose. The unhurried rhythm made the pleasure fill your veins in slow, consistent waves. You could feel it build up again as your inner muscles contracted, eliciting moans and curses from Neil. Once you knew how to meet him in the middle, you bucked your hips in response, earning a groan that shot straight to your molten core. The sound and the gratification it carried brought a grin to your face. It spurred you on with the promise that you could return the immense satisfaction Neil brought you. That you could make yourself memorable.

That notion inspired you to use the core strength and athletic training and topple Neil without letting you separate. His sharp gasp told you it was the last thing he expected. Good. From your new position astride him, you watched his heaving chest as Neil processed your impish trick. Warm light painted his skin and made his hair look like a golden halo belonging to a fallen angel. An angel worth the fall from the heavens.

Before he could recover fully, you rolled your hips and rose on your knees to fall again in the slightest of moves. It only strengthened the titillation on his face, but it did the trick. His blue eyes blinked awake as his hands found their purchase again, skating over your thighs to rest on your hips. With your subtle nod, he guided you to match the desired tempo.

Like this, with full opportunity to control the pace, you could allow yourself to stare. To take note of the subtle changes on his face. Like the crease between his eyebrows begging to be smoothed out. Or the panting mouth, pink parted lips still red from the kisses. Or the pearls of sweat on his temples and chest, proving that you were doing something right. Proving that perhaps Neil would remember you.

The coil in your lower stomach was tight now, feeling close to bursting and bringing you another orgasm. You could tell Neil was close, too. It was visible in the bliss written all over his face, and the abdomen muscles pulled tight. Your fingers grazed over his chest, drawing mindless patterns and bringing out goosebumps as a reward. As if able to read your mind or feeling the way you constricted around his length, Neil met your haze and raised his hand to place it between your thighs. Thumb on the clit, circling the bud with a rhythm that by now he knew would work. Just like that. Without you ever having to ask.

The realisation alone was why you could not stay quiet any longer.

“Neil-” a pathetic sob interrupted the sentence with no aim in sight, so the rest came out in a rush, barely aware of what you were saying, “You’re perfect,”

It didn’t make the words any less true. Any less real.

But still, it was not something he anticipated. Neil glanced at you, and before he could school his features into a less vulnerable expression, you noticed hints of uncertainty. Something else was there, too, occupying the dark depths of his pupils and shining through the greyish blue of his irises. It was gone before you could identify it, but you considered tattooing the exact shade of his eyes on your skin the morning after. You felt like it might match the shade of your heart tomorrow.

“You stole my line” there was no genuine grievance in the look he gave you, instantly bucking his hips into yours to make you swear and shiver. You were so close now. The edges of your vision were growing fuzzy again as you felt your inner muscles contract and squeeze around him, eliciting another groan and a sigh that matched the words echoing in your head, “Jesus Christ…” it took him another second of composure to find the words that only confirmed your suspicions “Cupid, I’m not gonna-” using his seconds of distraction, you leaned forward to deepen the contact and covered his mouth with yours, interrupting the sentence.

With the kiss, as hungry and devouring as always, you hoped to convey everything you could not tell him. That he mattered. That you were beginning to worry he had ruined you for anybody else. Ever. That although you would try, nothing would ever be the same again.  Neil took the kiss with an eagerness that was still somehow startling. He nipped and licked at your lips, ensuring they stayed red and swollen. Only when another moan escaped the confines of his mouth and made it impossible to continue the kiss, you broke the contact and met his delirious gaze with a smile. You could feel his rhythm stutter and wane as he visibly approached orgasm. There was just one thing left to about it.

“Come for me” although piecing together a sentence was a struggle, the reward in the form of Neil’s muffled curse and full-body shudder was worth it. You watched as his abdomen muscles tensed, and he began thrusting with no rhythm or pace, helping you chase the feeling that was just around the corner. Leaning forward again, you placed your hand over his head and whispered into his ear, “Now,”

The word acted like a trigger. Neil stiffened in your embrace, his hands seeking out your waist and holding tight. Without thinking, you rested your forehead against his and felt him fill you to the brim. Warmth spread through your core, making you clench around him one last time before your body gave in. White sparks filled your vision as you closed your eyes and entangled your fingers in his hair. You could finally let go. A pleasured scream rang through the silence of the room as you collapsed, limbs falling lifelessly against his sturdy form. For a split second of stupid indulgence, you let yourself believe that Neil would always be there to catch you.

But that wasn’t a happy ending people like you wanted. Or deserved.

You were half aware of what came after. Of how your body trembled in Neil’s embrace and how he whispered your favourite nickname repeatedly, filling the word with enough affection to bruise your heart purple. You knew you should cut this short to prevent the inevitable awkwardness that almost always followed as fast as possible. But you couldn’t. Not yet.

Instead, you snuggled into the crook of his neck and inhaled, feeling the ache in your body. It would hurt like a bitch tomorrow, you were sure. But for now, you focused on the steady rise and fall of his chest and the comfort of his hands resting on your naked waist and back. By some miracle, it seemed like Neil was one of the few men who did not mind your desire to snuggle and breathe instead of quickly dismissing whatever transpired between you as an unimportant rendezvous on the timelines of your lives.

Yet, soon enough, you had to break the silence. The best way you knew how.

“You’re such a good boy” as soon as the words left your mouth, carried on a teasing tone, and accompanied by the smirk hidden in his neck, Neil’s comforting touch stilted.

Judging by the hitch in his chest and an ill-disguised cough, he choked on the breath intake. Even in the confused depths of your mind, you had to admit it was rather adorable. And it most definitely did the trick by diffusing the tension caused by the deafening silence and your synched-up heartbeats, which had no right to exist. Not here. Not ever.

“You’re incorrigible” laughter rang through the letters in his response as Neil chuckled dryly and resumed the caress, letting his fingers skim up and down the ridges of your spine.

You never wanted to move again.

That’s why it was high time to do so.

“You love it, though,” the rebuttal was easy to conjure as you lifted on your forearms and slid off his body with an apologetic smile. The gasp at the loss of contact and emptiness that followed was inevitable but also necessary. Laying down on your side so that you could see his face, you spoke, “Damn, that was…” before any accurate adjective could be found, Neil turned onto his side, mirroring your position and met your gaze, striking you mute in the process.

There was something indescribable there. A vastness of emotions you could not decipher without delving into that scary territory of your understanding that was never meant to be breached. Especially not like this. Not right now.

So, instead, you let your eyes take in his beauty, and the fading blush, complete with lips kissed raw and tangled hair. A look so thoroughly labelled as ‘freshly well-fucked’ that no other words were necessary or even advised. Even better so that you were the sole cause and reason. A point of pride, in fact.

“Good?” the joy in his gaze was enough reason to banish the strange thoughts and focus on the fact that his question demanded an answer.

As much as you were almost positive Neil knew just how damn good the sex had been, it still seemed like he wanted to hear it from you. You were happy to comply.

“Very good” a smug grin was complimented by the satisfaction Neil was bound to see in your radiant gaze.

Strengthening the point, you shifted closer to him to place your hand over his heart and winked. It did the job. Neil flashed you a bashful smile and leaned over to press a peck onto the crown of your head. That was an unprecedented act. Something that had never happened before. Terrifying in its novelty.

The realisation was enough to make you sit up and gather the covers to gain at least an illusion of modesty. A glance at the alarm clock told you how late it was, with the digits flashing a remorseful 02:27 AM. It was high time to make a move.

Without waiting for Neil to catch up with the drastic changes in your demeanour, you reached towards the chair next to the bed, where your dressing gown had landed that morning due to marvellous luck and got up to put it on in one, practised move. Only then could you look back at Neil to say:

“I’ll be right back,” sending him a smile that was hopefully neutral enough so that he would not understand the depths of your inner turmoil, you turned on your heel and waltzed out of the bedroom straight down the corridor to the bathroom.

Once the door had been closed, you let out a relieved sigh and met your crazed gaze in the mirror. Your hair was a tangled mess, and your lips were kissed red, telling a simple tale. As were the faint pink marks left on your neck, which would require concealer tomorrow. It was all worth it. You knew as much without having to search your heart. At least now you understood what it was that you craved so badly. How it felt and how it tasted. Now you knew what about Neil made you feel so insane.

And now, knowing all of it, you also understood that just once would not be enough. It couldn’t be.

Armed with that knowledge and the particular pain of realisation that often accompanied those hard-hitting truths concerning interpersonal relationships, you also knew what you needed to happen. You had to do everything in your might to keep Neil close. To ensure you would not lose a dear friend so quickly after gaining him.

As you stared at the bathroom floor tiles, you reminded yourself of the crucial detail that it was all in Neil’s hands. He would be the one dealing the cards. The one deciding what awaited you next. The best you could do was be yourself and not scare him off prematurely. Easy, right?

A quiet scoff answered the rhetorical question as you dried your hands with a towel and turned towards the door again. Now onto the harder part…

If there was one rule you had, one that you never, ever crossed no matter the circumstances, it was that you never stayed for the night or invited whoever you had sex with to stay over at your place. Simple. Except for that first time you had to bring it up with someone new. Like now.

Before you could even consider deciding how to go about it or how to signal what you needed to happen without making the situation painfully awkward, you walked out into the corridor to see Neil standing in the doorway of your bedroom. He was finishing buttoning up the shirt and met your gaze with an understanding smile:

“I’ll get going” no matter how hard you looked, you could not see hurt or grudge in his eyes or in the shrug he sent as he put on the tie and tightened the knot.

That was certainly a relief. A cop-out, but you were not the one to argue with fate when it offered easy wins. But-

“Are you sure?” you had to ask.

Not that you were willing to break the rule, but you had to know that he was okay with it. Because, for some unknown reasons, what Neil felt and thought seemed important in ways you did not begin to understand. It was just a fact.

“Yeah. It’s late anyway” the assured look in his eyes told you there was no point in prodding further. Instead, you watched as he put on the vest and fastened the buttons. Before you could get lost in thoughts, Neil spoke again, “Thanks, though, it was… a very memorable night” the hint of a smile in his voice was clarified by the bright grin he offered.

It was a wild, sharp thing that always felt so right on his face that you wondered how come he was not smiling all the time. Although that could cheapen the effect, you noticed upon a second thought.

The grin almost made you ignore the affection in his gaze. Almost.

“That it was” the blush on your cheeks was no longer as rare an occurrence as you wanted it to be, so you tried to hide it by glancing at the floor instead of holding his all-seeing gaze. The sentiment stayed true, “Message me when you get home?” it was another question that had to be asked although you could not understand why, “So that I know you’re not dead in a ditch somewhere?” because that concern was also something new.

You never cared quite so much. Never before. It was worrying in ways that made you want to hide your head in the sand and never poke out again for fear of the consequences crashing on top of it. But life rarely offered such mercies.

“Of course, Cupid” feeling Neil approach, you looked up in time to see him close the awkward gap between you.

He passed you in the corridor, the cuff of his shirt brushing against your arm as he raised his hand, visibly hesitating. Tilting your head in a silent question, you waited for him to decide. The resolution came in the form of his hand cupping your cheek for the briefest of seconds. The touch was gone before you could react, but the ghost of it stayed behind as you whispered:

“Thank you” it was another sentiment that needed no prompt or inspiration; it was just a fact.

Something that sprung from your heart like an overeager daffodil seedling breaking through the frozen February soil. Too early and bound to freeze before it could ever bloom into life.

“For?” Neil stopped in the doorway to the living room and stared back at you.

The expression on his face was impossible to puzzle out. It almost made everything easier. Easier to risk the freezing for the chance of elaborating on what you wanted him to know.

“Everything, really,” shrugging, you offered Neil a smile.

Not the sharp, dangerous grin he knew too well. No, it was a gentle thing; so ill-fitting of what you thought you understood about yourself.

But perhaps you understood nothing.

Not too long later, you heard him open the door to your apartment and let himself out quietly. You padded to the living room and picked up the used dirty wine glasses and the empty bottle. For a second, you contemplated smashing the bottle against your head to stop thinking. Then you realised the blood loss was probably not worth the passing relief. Probably.

***

Staring at the depths of the coffee in his mug, Neil sighed heavily for the umpteenth time within the past three hours that passed since waking up. Waking up in the new world, he unhelpfully added upon opening his eyes. As if his brain conspired to fuck him over, Neil could not stop thinking about it. About her. And everything that happened. All to the point that he barely slept within the odd four hours he snatched between stumbling into his apartment past 3 AM and waking up with a curse on his lips sometime after 7 AM. There was no sleep to be found after, so he gave up.

Visit to the gym did not cause any miracles either, but at least now he was free to sit on the sofa and stare into space. As if that would help. It is not even that anything was wrong. Or that he regretted the previous evening because he certainly did not. He did not. Everything that happened was something he wanted. Starting from the not-so-smooth seduction and ending with making her come. Three times. Not to be smug or anything. He wanted her. Full stop.

And now, having gotten the taste, Neil also knew that the desire would not stop there. She would not be just a box on a checklist, ticked and forgotten. Cupid was not someone he could forget. Even with the current prognosis, which was not optimistic. Because she laid out the modus operandi from day one. There would be no fantastic love story culminating with a kiss in the rain in the middle of Piccadilly Circus. Not even because of the high risk of being run over by a car.

Yet, still, being an idiot, Neil could not help but think. About her. About their evening. About how it felt. About what he wanted to happen next. All the while knowing that not much could happen beyond it. And nothing without Cupid’s will and desire for it. That knowledge did not help the thoughts or dilemmas playing out in his head.

With another heavy sigh, Neil got up from the sofa and walked over to the radio to put on music. If he was to suffer, he might as well do so with the accompaniment of bops. In the truest meaning of the word. Yet, the algorithm must have held a grudge against him, too, for he barely managed to down the remains of his coffee before trouble started. It all came crashing down with the voice of Simon Le Bon and a song Neil knew too well. Usually, he enjoyed it. Usually, there was nothing particularly stinging about this song. Usually, the opening synths and the bass rhythm did not elicit a groan and make him hide his face in his hands. Usually.

‘And you wanted to dance, so I asked you to dance

But fear is in your soul

Some people call it a one-night stand

But we can call it paradise

Don't say a prayer for me now

Save it 'til the morning after’

When the bridge came, along with the final chorus of the damned song, Neil was seething. Be it with rage or utter frustration. The accuracy of what was so beautifully sung by Duran Duran did not escape his attention. Or the fact that this was the first one-night stand he could not just let go. The first time, Neil was wallowing in self-pity and confusion at the state of his feelings and thoughts because of a hook-up.

Or what was supposed to be just a hook-up.

The problem was Neil was beginning to worry it was not just that. That it couldn’t be. And it was a terrible realisation to have. It made him want to be hit by a car on Piccadilly Circus. Or on the Oxford Street. He was not picky.

Quietly cursing every star on the firmament and the sparks in Cupid’s eyes, he reached for the phone and automatically opened the text conversation with the woman in question. Their last texts offered no respite from the suffering with how she bid him a good night after Neil informed her that he had found his way back home unscathed. It took him another two minutes to get his shit together and dial the number with a press of the correct icon on the screen.

Feeling the heartbeat in his throat as he awaited her to pick up the call, Neil stood up from the sofa and began pacing the living room. The seconds stretched into infinity, almost making him talk himself into ending the attempt and blaming the call on a mistake. Before he could act on the cowardice coursing in his veins, the click on the line followed by her voice acted like a heavy curtain, shutting off every doubt and uncertainty until all that remained was Cupid:

“Hi,” the breathlessness in her voice made it seem like she was not anticipating the call.

As if it caught her by surprise. Neil winced against the observation, forcing himself to reply.

“Hello. How are you?” even to his ears, the innocent question sounded strained.

It betrayed the motifs before he was ready to disclose them. His pacing has brought him to the window, so he stayed there, leaning against the sill.

An intake of breath from Cupid broke the silence before she replied:

“Good, great even. Achy as fuck, but then I got up to stuff last night, as you’d know” the slight nervousness in her quiet giggle sounded off, out of place among the implications.

The infuriating blush Neil did not seem able to get rid of even when closer to the age of thirty, made an appearance again. It bloomed across his cheekbones like weeds, making him hang his head with shame despite being the only one present in the room. Ever so helpful, his bitch of a brain chose this moment to show him a reel of last night’s events. Cupid underneath the stage lights, dancing with grace in every step. Her laughter upon the streets of Soho. The feel of her naked skin underneath his hands. The taste of her upon his tongue- Yeah, message received.

“Yeah, I was there” the ridiculous feeling of pride entered the crowded stage of his heart.

Before Neil could attempt to shrug it off, Cupid spoke again:

“You were. I remember you” her tone lowered almost imperceptibly, yet enough so Neil would notice. The low timbre spread across his chest with warmth as she added, “Vividly” the emphasis made everything worse as it awakened the exact shade of yearning he wanted to banish for eternity “Neil, I know you didn’t just call me to ask how my morning is going” the matter-of-fact turn in her voice was the wake-up call he needed.

It reminded Neil about the true purpose of the call and what he needed to say. Now, ideally. He took another deep breath, aware of the prolonged silence on the line and the rapid beat of his heart. It took him another second to convince convincing himself to speak the words into existence. All with the grace of an elephant stumbling over the vowels and tripping on the consonants:

“No... But it’s- I’ve never done this before. I had one-night stands, but not with someone like you” the ending came out in a rush as Neil tried to get it out as fast as possible without further embarrassment.

Although he knew that it was too late for those kinds of worries anyway. He was already a personification of shame in all meanings of the word.

The laugh he expected from Cupid upon such a pathetic display did not come. Instead, he got a quiet huff, which was hard to interpret with his lacklustre detective skills and a question carried on a soft tone:

“Not with a friend?” to Neil’s surprise, she did not sound judgemental or sarcastic, as if making a joke on his expanse.

Admittedly, it was what he anticipated, knowing how the sentence sounded and what it conveyed. Knowing what a loser he was, confessing the facts instead of pretending to be someone he was not. Instead of doing what he usually did.

For whatever reason, Neil increasingly often found that he did not want to pretend with Cupid. He particularly enjoyed those moments when it felt like she saw him and enjoyed the picture revealed. It was at once terrifying and exhilarating. It was what made him turn on the heel to press his back against the wall by the window and slide down to sit on the floor, risking yet another admission:

“Yeah, exactly. And like- It was amazing. It really was, but now I’m… I’m so… confused” the word hardly covered the state of his mind since waking up, but it had to do for now.

Somehow, Neil knew she would understand. She would find meaning within the stammers and pauses, interrupting the incoherent reasoning. She was smart like that.

Because the clue of the matter was that there were no regrets. No particle of his soul that wished last night did not happen. It’s just that he didn’t know what was coming next. If anything at all.

“I get it. It’s uncharted territory for you” once Cupid spoke again, Neil tried to determine her feelings on the topic from her voice. There was nothing to interpret apart from thoughtfulness and the desire to understand. To understand him, of all people. A feat few attempted and even fewer succeeded at, “From my point of view, nothing has to change between us. But I don’t think last night has to be a one-off. It could happen again” the meaning of her words took a while to sink, and even longer to be processed by his brain, slowed by incompetence and whatever charm she had him under. When it did, Neil sat up straighter, a rare sense of excitement tugging at his gut and making him open his eyes wider “If you wanted it to” the addition was almost a footnote.

Because, of course, he wanted to. He would be a fool not to. Right?

The enthusiastic reply was almost at the tip of his tongue, but the remains of dignity stepped in at the right time. Instead, Neil let the silence speak, taking a moment to ask the second most terrifying question. If not the first.

“And what about you?” the fate of his self-respect was placed upon the pedestal made of four words.

Ready to be crumbled with just one sleigh of her hand. While Neil knew Cupid enjoyed what he did to her (and with her), there was no guarantee. No way of knowing without asking her first. Now, all he could do was wait.

Wait and listen to her breathing through the phone, trying and miserably failing at not hanging upon each exhalation as if it were a sentence determining the rest of his life. Luckily, Cupid was not the one to make him wait in misery for too long.

“I’d definitely want a repeat” the certainty in her voice felt like a rush of blood to his head.

It was tinted with that shade of playfulness he considered her trademark. It was barely there, but still, it made everything easier. Brighter.

Now Neil did not even try to fight off the grin from his face as he asked:

“Yeah?” it was just another lousy trick to make her confirm what should have been obvious but was not.

At least not to his stupid brain, burdened with the eternal fear of not being enough. Ever. For anyone. Not even as a friend that you occasionally shag.

“Yes,” Cupid did not hesitate, humouring him joyfully.

Or at least that is how Neil interpreted the light chuckle that followed the reply. It eased the burden a little, but soon he found another pressing question that needed answering. Should they continue… whatever it was that was happening. Phrases like the infamous ‘friends with benefits’ started floating around his head, but for the time being, Neil brushed them away.

“So, if we did… do it again, what are the ground rules?” the clumsy wording was something he could do without, but alas, there was no choice.

He could only hope that Cupid would ignore the failure. It was the very next thing he needed to settle. The rules of play, per se. It was a completely new territory for him, something he had never done or entertained because there was no reason to. No person was worth the confusion. But now- Yeah, now there was. And Neil had no fucking clue how it all made him feel. Or whether he was not making the mistake of his life by even considering the concept. Still, he ignored the idea as Cupid broke the silence with a factual voice:

“No staying over afterwards for the night, and you must tell me if you find someone to be with for real. I don’t want to be the mythical other woman” the business-like tone suggested what Neil already knew – this was not the first time for her.

Far from it. He added a strange pinprick of jealousy to the ongoing list of feelings and thoughts to be ignored and rested his forehead against his folded knees.

The simplicity of the do’s and don’ts was undeniable. Still, it was impossible to tell how bad of a decision it would be on the endless spectrum of ‘ways to fuck up’ that Neil knew too well. From experience.

“Okay,” he nodded, although she would not see it and risked another question. To calm the running thoughts before they escaped his control entirely, “Is it fine if I think about it for a while?”

The pros were easy to think of. If he agreed, this one night would not have to be the only time Neil would have her. He could keep acting on what came to him so effortlessly when near Cupid. He could touch and kiss her as he pleased, whenever he wanted, without first worrying whether it would destroy their friendship.

But the cons were not hard to come by either. Adding sex into the equation often destroyed the friendship on its own. Neil was not sure whether he could trust himself to be as detached emotionally as the situation required him to be. He would never actually have her. Not that he wanted to. Because he didn’t. He didn’t.

“Sure thing, sunshine. We don’t have to change anything right now” her steady reassurance stopped the increasingly frantic thought processes and filled his chest with warmth.

Neil never knew he was a fan of nicknames. Of being called sunshine. But apparently, he was.

The sudden wave of peace settling over his head was the only sign that the conversation was successful. He has reached at least some sort of clarity. Even if he still had no clue what the hell he was supposed to do.

“I’ll see you Wednesday. Like always?” the pathetic edge to that question did not escape him.

But it was impossible to end the call without asking. Without checking whether Neil had something to look forward to. Without ensuring that they were okay.

At this point, Neil did not even try to pretend that Wednesdays did not become his favourite day of the week. For absolutely no reason.

“Yeah, you will” the internal debate about whether he actually could hear her wink got quickly interrupted by Cupid’s question, “And Neil?” a noncommittal hum had to do instead of a reply, what with his brain becoming a lost cause. Still, it was impossible not to wait on her addition with bated breath and heartbeat thundering in his ears. You know, like a normal person would “You know I can’t offer you a relationship, but what we have still means a lot to me. It’s not every day that I have sex this good with my best friend” this time, Neil could definitely hear the sly smile in her voice.

That strange smugness and pride returned to fill his chest with warmth and painted a grin on his face. It was the highest of praises. Both because Cupid admitted that whatever they had was worth her time and attention and because she confirmed that the previous night was… satisfying. It was a challenge not to let that get into his head, successfully distracting Neil from any other thought he could have had.

He was a simple man, alright? One spoonful of praise placed at his feet, and he was done for. In all meaning of the word.

“No?” the joy was audible in his voice as he risked a tease, “I’m such a lucky bastard, then” it was barely an overstatement.

Even if it all was to backfire spectacularly and bite him in the ass soon, Neil felt lucky. Lucky that Cupid wanted to waste her time on him. Even for a wink of her time.

And yes, he knew he sounded like a pathetic simp. He was aware of it, thank you very much.

“You are” her laughter still rang in his ear as she whispered a necessary goodbye, “I’ll talk to you soon,” for once, Neil felt no need to question her promise.

No reason to doubt.

“Bye, Cupid,” his farewell was met with another chuckle before the woman in question ended the phone call.

Slowly, Neil put down the phone and raised his head to stare at the ceiling. The white paint was occasionally spruced up with cobwebs, reminding him just how long had passed since he had last deep cleaned the apartment. A sigh had to do before Neil got up from the floor and turned up the music.

Duran Duran had nothing on him now. Surely.

[starman-jpg]

Dirty Little Secret

WC: 4k | TW: None that I can think of

Hey! Long time since I posted something I actually wrote.

Had this idea after listening to this song actually. It sounded fun.

This is not beta read. I would be curious if anyone would want to beta read anything I make before I post it.

If there are any errors, lets pretend like we didn't seem them. Cool?

And for the first time since I got my account, this will be posted on ao3! So feel free to read it here if you want.

Title from "Dirty Little Secret" by The All-American Rejects

Eddie is in Chicago, which is weird.

He’s been to Chicago before. He’s played shows before and has gone clubbing here. That’s not the weird part. It’s weird that he is here and is not expected to do… well, anything. 

He’s on a break from performing for a while. He and the band decided it was about time to relax for the first time in years. They’ve been touring on and off for 5 years and making albums in between so it was time to take a well earned break. 

Gareth, Jeff and Grant all decided to go back to Hawkins to see their families. They all were going to go to Hawkins originally but Eddie backed out at the last minute. 

He was scared to go back. Not because of monsters or anything. But because he didn’t want to run into him. 

He doesn’t know what he would say if he ran into him. Probably some dumb shit that would end up with him heartbroken more or looking like a total idiot. Or both.

So obviously, in order to avoid that situation, he decided to go to Chicago. 

Chicago is not bad, he likes Chicago. He originally moved to Chicago from Hawkins for a couple months before they all got discovered and moved to LA. 

So Chicago is great. But it's not Hawkins. He misses his Uncle Wayne and the kids, who were most definitely not kids anymore. And especially S- Nope! Can’t think about him now. Not now, he needs to relax. 

He walks aimlessly around the city before stopping at a small venue with a line out the door. He asked the people around about who’s playing. 

He learned that they are a semi-local band with a good following. The front man is drop-dead gorgeous, if the girl's squealing was anything to go by. 

Color Eddie intrigued, he’s going to see this band. 

He waited in line, got his last minute ticket and was let into the venue. It was small, but nice. Eddie remembered playing at venues like this. There was a stage already filled with instruments, a huge standing area and balcony area, and a bar that was fully stocked. 

Eddie gladly took advantage of the bar, getting a beer and headed towards the front of the stage. He didn’t have to be on the barricade, but he’d like to be close. Be in the crowd and enjoy the whole experience. 

After a while of waiting, his beer half gone, the lights on stage come to life as the song starts  and the crowd goes wild (it spooks Eddie honestly). Eddie looks at the band and freezes when he sees Robin Buckley behind the drums. 

When did she join a band? 

Shit. Is he here?

He looks frantically around the venue, trying to find that familiar head of hair. 

And as if God himself was enjoying his pain, a familiar voice rings through the venue. 

Let me know that I’ve done wrong

When I’ve known this all along

I go around a time or two 

Just to waste my time with you

Eddie faces the stage and his breath is instantly stolen from his lungs. 

Steve

He- he looks fantastic. 

Tight black jeans that hug all of Eddie’s favorite parts of him. A sleeveless shirt that reveals a generous bit of skin and some of his scars- oh shit, is that a tattoo?

He squints, acting like that will help him see. Steve raises his arm, pushing his hair back and sure enough, there is something on Steve’s ribs that he can’t make out this far away. 

His eyes snap to his face to see a small stud in Steve’s nose. His gaze moves to Steve’s eyes that were lined with black. 

Suddenly those beautiful, hazel eyes that he’s memorized look straight at him. 

Steve, for the most part, doesn’t look surprised and looks away back at the crowd, singing the chorus and bouncing around stage, clearly having fun if that smile says anything.

Steve moves across the stage, singing and kneels in front of the stage, letting the screaming girls, and a couple guys, touch his hand and up his arm. Steve quickly moves away before he is bodily dragged into the crowd, laughing as he sings. 

The chorus goes again and everyone is jumping around, and those who know the lyrics are singing along. Steve smiles, pulls the mic off the stand, and walks along the edge of the stage singing.

The way he feels inside (inside)

Those thoughts I can’t deny (deny)

These sleeping dogs won’t lie (won’t lie)

And all I’ve tried to hide

It’s eating me apart

Trace this line back

Steve holds out the last note, head bent back showing off the veins that pop out of his very biteable neck, before he smiles and dances around the stage some more. His hair is a mess. A very, very hot mess. 

Wait. Did Steve say ‘he’?

He ends up in front of Eddie’s section again, once again looking at him. 

Steve signals and the instruments back off a little as Steve brings the mic to him, almost whispering into it, not breaking eye contact. 

I’ll keep you my dirty little secret (dirty little secret)

Don’t tell anyone or you’ll be just another regret (just another regret)

Steve winks, fucking winks, as he jumps back to the middle of the stage, to finish off the song. 

I’ll keep you my dirty little secret 

Don’t tell anyone or you’ll be just another regret 

(Just another regret, hope that you can keep it)

My dirty little secret , dirty little secret 

Dirty little secret, who has to know? 

Steve whips around to where Eddie is and shrugs, 

Who has to know?

The song ends and the crowd erupts in ear shattering cheers. 

Steve laughs happily, waving to everyone and thanking them. 

Steve talks a little, welcoming everyone and even introducing the band before they start another song. 

The energy is high throughout the whole night. Steve owns the stage. Singing and dancing. And when he pulls out his guitar and starts playing… Well, Eddie is trying his best not to lose it. 

The show ends and the crowd starts shuffling out, but Eddie can’t seem to move his legs. 

When did this all happen? When did Steve become the front man of a band? When did Steve learn the guitar? 

He’s pulled out of his thoughts by a rough tap on his shoulder. 

“Are you Eddie Munson?” A security guard asks. Eddie slowly nods. “Cool. The band has requested to see you. Follow me.” And the guard walks off, not waiting for Eddie. 

Eddie, finally remembering how to walk, rushes to catch up with the guard who snakes around the back and shows Eddie to the green room. The guard knocks on the door and opens it, announcing Eddie’s arrival. After confirmation, he steps back and allows Eddie to shuffle past him into the room. 

He walks in and is instantly bombarded by two very familiar faces.

“Henderson! Little Wheeler! Holy shit hey!” They all hug, laughing. 

Mike steps back first, patting Eddie on the pack, “Eddie! Holy shit it's great seeing you again.” 

Dustin nods, “Yeah, man, it’s been years. How’s everything? How’s your band?”

“Oh! Yeah, it’s great. Everything’s great. The band is just taking a small break to prepare a new album.” He smiles,  “I didn’t- I didn’t see you guys out there.” 

“I work behind the scenes, y’know. Audio stuff for the band. And Mike was on stage. You didn’t see him?” Dustin asks. 

“On- on stage. Holy shit Little Wheeler, coming very far from our first lesson.” 

Mike ducks his head, blushing a little, “Yeah well, had a great teacher, didn’t I?” He gently nudges Eddie, “And when you left, Steve helped.” 

Steve helped? 

“Steve, yeah. Where- where is he? And Buckley! I saw her behind the drums.” 

Dustin was about to answer as the door opened behind him. Eddie turns around and sees Robin enter, “My ears are ringing. Are you talking shit Munson?” She asks playfully, a small smile on her lips. 

“Never Lady Buckley, c’mere.” He opens his arms and Robin throws herself at him, laughing as he rocks them side-to-side. 

They break apart, “When did you learn how to play? You were so good!” He asks, smiling. 

“Aw, thanks Munson, high praise from you. Um, probably like 4 years? Almost 5. I don’t know, it was Steve’s idea. But I enjoy it. Gets rid of all the extra energy, y’know?” She backs up to the couch and sits down, Mike sitting next to her, grabbing his guitar and strumming it idly. 

“You were great. You both were great. All of you were great. Um, where is the rest of your band?” He asks sheepishly. 

“Another part is behind you.” A snippy voice comes from behind him. 

“Max?!” Eddie shouts, and when he turns around, sure enough the little red head is behind him, smirking. “You’re in the band too?” 

She nods, walking to sit next to Robin on the arm of the couch. “Last time I checked.” 

Dustin, who was checking all the equipment, turns around, slightly waving off Eddie, “Don’t mind him Max. He only recognized Robin and Steve. Didn’t even realize Mike was on stage either.” 

Robin looks over at Eddie, her eyebrows raised, a knowing little smile spreading across her face. 

Eddie blushed, rubbing the back of his neck sheepishly. “Huh… yeah, sorry. But- but you all did so good! I was really impressed.” 

They all thank him and continue catching up. Talking about how Eddie and his band are doing. How he’s doing, specifically. They talk for what feels like hours, but is only really 30 minutes. 

The whole time, Steve is nowhere to be seen. Eddie is getting a bit antsy. 

“Where-” His voice cracks and he quickly clears his throat, “Where’s Steve?” 

The kids (are they considered kids still?) look towards Robin. Robin, who clearly was dreading this question, panics. 

“He’s, um, he…” Her eyes flit around the room before landing behind Eddie, “Oh thank god.” She whispers, mostly to herself.

Eddie was about to question her before that same voice from tonight comes from behind him. 

“Hey, Munson.” 

Eddie turns around and again, the air is gone from his lungs. 

Steve. 

Did he say that outloud, please tell him he didn’t say that outloud. 

Steve is in front of him. Actually in front of him. Within reaching distance of him. He could take two steps and be in his arms. 

If they were still together… of course. 

“Steve… uh, uh… hi.” 

Hi?

Seriously Munson, that’s the best you could come up with after 5 years of not seeing the one man that’s been plaguing your mind since you left. 

Steve laughs softly, smiling, “Hi.” 

Oh! He’s smiling. That perfect, breathtaking smile. 

“Hi.” Eddie cringes at himself, where was all his sauve-ness? This is not being really suave-y. 

Steve takes another step into the room, still smiling (good sign), “I think we’ve established that we’ve greeted each other.” 

Eddie softly laughs, nodding, “Yeah, of course. Um, you were…” 

Great. Fantastic. Beautiful. Breathtaking. Hot. So hot that I can’t keep my thoughts straight (no pun intended).

Steve smirks at him, waiting. What was he waiting for? Right! Finish the goddamn sentence. 

“Fantastic.” He shouts, startling Steve, “Sorry. Um, you were fantastic.” 

Steve laughs again and nods, “Thanks.” Steve looks up and catches Eddie’s eyes.

They’re just looking at each other and everything just seems to be Steve and him. 

Steve and Eddie. 

Oh, how he wishes they could be Steve and Eddie again. 

Someone clears their voice and breaks the two boys' trance with each other.  

Eddie turns and sees Robin and the rest getting off the couch. 

“We,” Robin gestures to the rest of the band, “are going to go… pack up! Yeah! We’re gonna pack up, you two stay here. Catch up. And we’ll… pack. Yeah…” She finishes off lamely before the four of them quickly rush out of the room, slamming the door behind them. 

There is awkwardness between them before Steve sits on the couch, gesturing for Eddie to join him. 

“So!” Eddie starts, trying to break the awkwardness, “You’re in a band. That’s new.”

Steve laughs, music to Eddie’s ears, and nods, “Yeah, um, decided to make one. I wrote down a lot of things, lyrics. I made them into songs in my free time and showed them to Robin. She loved them. Said I should sing them for people.” He laughs again, shaking his head like he’s remembering that day specifically. “She signed me up for an open mic, so I couldn’t back down.” He shrugs, looking at Eddie, “People liked them I guess. Got some requests to come back.

Eddie nods, “Robin said you told her to try the drums?” 

“Obviously, if I was going to sing, she was going to be with me and she absolutely kills on drums. I tried to teach her some chords on guitar, but she would mess up then freak out in her little Robin way, y’know?. Drums were easier for her, the repetitiveness of it all. At least, that’s what she tells me.” 

“And Mike and Max?”

“Ah, well Mike was, um, sad, when you left. He was going to give up guitar since ‘the best guitar teacher in Hawkins’ left. His words, not mine. I ended up helping him too. And Max always wanted to learn the bass. So I helped her out too. We ended up jamming a lot together and the rest is history I suppose.” 

“You-” Eddie stops, struggling to find the words, “I- I never knew you played guitar.” 

“Ah, yeah. Well,” Steve shrugs, “I kinda grew up playing a lot. Loved it. About Middle School I had to stop. My dad didn’t like that I spent most of my time playing music then sports. Said music for idiots who didn’t stand a chance in the real world. So he signed me up for baseball, basketball, and swimming. Didn’t have much time to play. And I liked sports enough, so it wasn’t torture.” Steve plays with the edge of his shirt nervously, “When you left, I picked it back up.” 

Eddie nods, “You never told me. We could’ve played together.” 

Steve sighs, “Yeah, well. You never asked.” Steve shrugs again, trying to smile but it did not come through. 

“I’m sorry.” 

“Don’t. Don’t apologize. You didn’t know.” 

Eddie nods, looking at his shoes that could use a good clean. 

It’s this that Eddie really wanted to avoid. The awkwardness. Acting like they don’t know how each other feels or tastes. It’s torture. 

“That song,” Eddie starts, worried, “The one you started with. Is- Was it about… us?” 

Smooth Eddie. Real smooth.

Steve looks around the room, anywhere but Eddie and nods, “Yeah. It is.” 

“Oh.” 

Steve turns to Eddie, causing Eddie to fully look up now, “It-” Steve huffs and starts again, “It helped me. I mean… I couldn’t tell anyone, anything, y’know?. So, I channeled it into something where I could sing it, and no one knew who it was about.” 

“No one knows?” Eddie says, unintentionally sounding relieved. 

Steve rolls his eyes and turns back towards the door, “Yeah Eddie. No one knows, your secret is still safe. Don’t worry.” 

Shit! He’s screwing this up. 

“No! No, no, no. Not like that! Just surprised, is all. Thought you would tell Robin at least.” He tries to joke, which instantly falls and dies on the floor. 

“Figured if you didn’t want people knowing we were a thing together, probably wouldn’t like me telling everyone we were ever a thing.” Steve states like it's a fact, “Plus, your name started getting out there. Didn’t need a scandal so early on.”

“Oh, cool. Thanks.” Eddie cringes, he’s doing this all wrong. Shit, he needs to be fixing this.  

Steve scoffs and shakes his head, “Yeah, no problem.” 

“You could’ve, um, told people… told Robin.” He says sheepishly, hoping it was the right thing to say. It wasn’t. 

Steve gets up from the couch, clearly angry, and turns to look at him. “So, after we were together, I could’ve told people. Great Munson. Thanks for that.” 

Eddie goes to say something but it’s cut off quickly by a still fuming Steve. 

“Eddie, you kept me a secret. For months. No one knew about us! I tried. I tried to just meet your friends, said we could just say we were friends but you freaked until I backed down. I tried dropping stuff off at your trailer when you were sick and you freaked out, saying how people could see me there. How the hell is that supposed to make me feel?

“And I understand, we lived in a small town. But I wasn’t asking for you to kiss me in the middle of town. I was asking you to trust me when I said I knew people who would accept us and protect us if anything got out. But you said no. 

“And it got me thinking. Maybe it’s not because you’re scared. But maybe because it was me.” A tear rolls down Steve’s face, but before Eddie could even think of wiping it away, Steve did it. “I know I was an asshole in high school. But I tried so damn hard to be a better person. I tried so hard to change. And I did change. But it wasn’t enough. Not for you.” 

“Steve…” 

“Did you ever tell anyone Eddie?” Steve stares at him, anger behind his eyes, and a little bit of hope. 

Hope that maybe Eddie did tell someone. Hope that Eddie did love him, but he was just scared of the consequences of society and not because Steve was the problem. 

Eddie froze, and that gave Steve his answer. 

“Of course you didn’t. Didn’t even say we were friends.” Steve shakes his head, crossing his arms and moving further away from him. 

“I’m sorry. I- I did want people to know, eventually, but…”

“You left.” Steve finishes for him, void of emotion. “You left Eddie. We argued that night before. I was tired of hiding and I just wanted to tell Robin, but you freaked. So we argued and you stormed out of my house. You left my house. You left Hawkins.” Steve sniffles and looks at him, “You left me.” 

“I know, I’m sorry.”

“Stop!” Steve shouts, running his hands through his hair, frustrated, “Stop saying you’re sorry. It’s way too late. No one heard from you for 5 years! All we knew is what the news said. We saw you rise to fame and we thought you moved on from us. So we accepted that. I accepted that!” Steve yells, trying his best not to let tears fall. 

“I wanted to come back. I swear, I wanted to come back. I thought about coming back so much. I thought about coming back to-” 

“But you didn’t!” Steve yells again, “You never came back.” 

Steve looks around, trying to discreetly wipe his face, “Leave, Eddie. You need to leave.” 

Eddie freezes, “Steve…” 

“Leave.” Steve says sternly, not even looking at Eddie. 

Eddie nods, he looks up, begging his tears to not fall. He starts for the door in quick strides, wanting to get out of there fast. As he reaches for the door knob he stops. 

He can’t leave. He knew this could end badly, but he’s not running off. Not again. 

He hears Steve scoff, “Eddie, seriously. You need to leave. Right-”

“2,157!” Eddie shouts fast, turning around to see Steve staring at him. 

“What?” 

“2,157. I have thought of nothing but you for 2,157 days.” 

Steve still looks confused. Eddie steps towards him, itching to grab Steve’s hand, but thinks better of it. 

“There has never been a single day where I haven’t thought of you. Your hair. Your eyes. Your smile. Your laugh… I always thought of you, every fucking day.” 

A small tear falls down Steve’s face. Eddie hesitantly reaches out and cups Steve’s face, gently wiping away the tear with his thumb. 

“I’m sorry.” He continues, making sure Steve is looking at him, “I’m sorry that I wasn’t strong enough for us. I was scared. And I ran away the moment I could. And that was so, so, so shitty of me.” He sniffles, feeling his own tears run down his face, “I understand if you want me to leave and never come back. I will. It would break me, but I will. But I can’t leave without telling you…” He looks at the hopeful look in Steve’s eyes, “I love you, Steve Harrington. I always loved you. From the beginning. 

“I shouldn't've made you keep us a secret. I should’ve taken your hand and kissed you senseless in the streets of Hawkins. Who would’ve cared? I would’ve been happy to be seen with you. But, I was too much of a coward too. I should’ve showered you in all the love that I felt for you back then. I should’ve made you feel like no one else would ever love you as much as I did. I should’ve made you happy. And, I’m so, so sorry that I ever made you feel less than that.”  

Steve stayed frozen, more tears falling down his face. 

“Y-you loved me?” Steve croaks out, still looking at Eddie.

Eddie smiles, nodding his head, “Uh huh, still do.” Eddie gently ghosts his thumbs over Steve’s bottom lip, “Still do.” 

Steve smiles, letting out a breathy laugh. 

“I love you, Steve Harrington. So, so much that it kills me.” 

Steve goes quiet. Eddie feels like he catapulted across the line and tries to step back, taking his hand away from Steve’s face. But a hand shoots up and keeps Eddie right where he is. 

Eddie looks up at Steve again

“I love you too.” He whispers, even though they are the only ones in the room, “God Eddie, I love you so much.” 

Eddie’s shoulders relax and he smiles big, bringing his other hand to hold Steve’s face. “Yeah?” He asks softly. 

“Yeah… I love you.” 

Eddie smiles and goes to kiss him before stopping. “I- I can kiss you right? Please say I can kiss you.” 

“Please, Eddie kiss-” 

Eddie doesn’t wait and immediately surges forward to capture his lips. He was expecting something hot and heavy. But it wasn’t that. 

It was better. 

It was the slow movement of lips together. Something that was laced with love that they have been keeping in for years. Just the gentle slide of lips that did not seek to go further. It felt like it lasted forever, but it was only a couple minutes before they pulled apart and just stared at each other. 

“I’m not running away. Not this time. I want you Steve. I need you. And-and if you’ll have me, I’ll make sure I never hurt you. I will hold your hand and-and kiss you in front of the world. And we can tell everyone about us, because I want everyone in this world to know about us and see how happy we make each other.”

“You’re kind of famous Eddie, the world would quite literally know about us. And we still need to be safe. I don’t want you to jeopardize your career-” 

“Screw it! Screw it all! If people don’t like that I’m with another man, that sucks for them. But I’m not hiding us. Not again.” 

“Eddie…” Steve softly says, as if he’s trying to make Eddie see this logically (which he will not, thank you very much). 

“Nope! You can’t change my mind. If my label drops the band we’ll find a new one- or we’ll create one. I have the money. I just… I can’t lose you again.” 

Steve searches his eyes and smiles, “You’re serious? You’d jeopardize your career- your dream- for me?” 

“It's not a dream if you’re not there Stevie.” 

Steve moves and kisses him again, more passionately this time. 

“Okay.” Steve says, breaking apart. 

“Okay?” Eddie asks, “You want this? You want me?” 

Steve smiles, nodding, “It was always you Eds. No one else.” 

Eddie laughs and picks up Steve, spinning around. Steve’s laugh fills the air and Eddie could not be happier than in this moment. 

[haechanhues]

KPOP FIC RECS 

So I recently (like a couple of months ago) read Bowie’s Books by John O’Connell which is a series of essays exploring David Bowie’s list of 100 Books that transformed his life and I thought it was a way to make my own. These are all fics (in some way or another) that have been memorable in many different ways and I hope to share them with you all. 

This is also a full on sap train so I thought you should be ready. I’m also weirdly nervous since this feels kind of vulnerable and makes me shy. but haiii 

PART ONE | PART TWO | PART THREE | PART FOUR | PART FIVE

1. @timextoxhajima - HOSTIS | THE BOYZ (completed) 

May as well get this one out of the way first. This story means a lot to me, for different reasons. This au is very fun and a very sultry enemies to lovers and I got carnal pleasure from this book. I love this story and will continue to do so for the rest of my life. BUT the most important reason I love this fic is that it lead me to one of my best friends who means a lot to me. I’m a successful fan if you think about it.  I also kind of cringed at writing this but it’s true (Dana it’s our sappy hour) 

2. @bambisgirl - Confident | ENHYPEN (completed) 

Ahh! You're still going by the time I’m writing this (you’re almost finished) but I loved seeing your updates. This fic was so so fun, I enjoyed it immensely. The way I could just see it playing out in front of me. It was amazing. I just can’t stop talking about how fun and just how joyful I felt whilst reading the fic. I’m telling you it had powers! Powers! When I was sick I would curl up with this fic and it made me feel really good, so thank you and I appreciate you. 

3. @svtskneecaps - Play It Again | SEVENTEEN (completed) 

I just re-read this recently! But I loved it. I love this concept so much! TMI but it reminds me of this old Nickelodeon version of Groundhog Day (The Last Summer?) I loved the way friendship is portrayed in here and I had a really good laugh. I also really loved the development of this fic - it was really fun. I always have a great time reading it. 

4. @/ - ??? | BTS (completed) 

I’m sorry, I remember reading this fic awhile ago and now I’ve forgotten the name of it. Ahhh. I’ve been looking for it these past couple of months to give proper credit but haven’t been successful. But it’s so amazing. It’s about a forced/contract marriage with Hoseok who doesn’t want to be married but has to learn how but he’s in love with another girl, Taehyung is an annoying cousin and Jungkook is a pool boy? (Help me find it please) But I loved the slow burn - the PACING of this story is to die for and I just love love love it. Okay but someone please tell me what the fic is before I cry. I can’t wait to find it again to reread it and get obsessed all over again. 

5. @lunarlxve - Trees In Fall | ENHYPEN (ongoing) 

Let me just tell you the amount of times I refresh the page every time you update and even when you’re just online. Like a dramatic reading~ it gives me hope, it gives me excitement, it makes me happy. Like I don’t know there’s just this level of enjoyment I can’t explain whenever I read Trees In Fall! I am diligently waiting for the next update! I’m obsessed. 

6. @kinktae - Waterloo | BTS (one-shot) 

Everytime I read this I just fall for it all over again. The romanticist sucker in me loves this story with my whole heart. The fact that it’s inspired by Mamma Mia 2? Man, I love those movies they were my comfort and my everything when I was growing up. I read this so early on when I came onto Tumblr and whenever I come back to it’s always some kind of refresher. Like home and adventure in one place :) So thank you, I appreciate you more than any of these words can portray. 

7. @ateezmakemeweep - You’re The One That I Want | ATEEZ (completed)

I remember reading another one of your works and as soon as you released previews for this one I was already hooked. I think I even set alarms as well - to be completely honest and trust me, I am slightly embarrassed by it, but it was so good. It was something I could look forward to and it still is - even though it’s been some time since you finished it. Also the betrayal in this. Fucking hell he’s lucky that redemption arc came for him. Murder on my mind for real. 

8. @justoneday-namjoonii - It Burns, Doesn’t It? | BTS (ongoing) 

So quick expose storytime but on my old account I had written this massive observation (?) paragraph of every character in the fic and putting on my detective hat was so fun. I loved doing it. I’m very interested in these characters and what the fuck they think they’re doing. These characters have these flaws and these stories that are so compelling. The scary thing is the characters are so easy to hate but I find myself being very fond of them all the same. I never tire of them and I’m not sure I want to let them go when this fic is completed either. 

9. @skyesins - Red Mercedes | EXO (completed)

Well first of all, it’s been so long since I read this but I still haven’t gotten over it. I think it got so bad that I couldn’t even stomach looking at * because of how he’s portrayed in this fic. Like I feel like I didn’t know pain until I read this. Perfect if you’re an angst lover. A little too perfect. I feel like I need compensation of some kind....which was stupid because I basically willingly put myself through that pain. Like I got so angry and then sad and then back and forth. So thank you for the perfect type of pain and the resetting of my standards. Read : am I masochist?... after reading this? probably. 

10. @dayinseoul - Baby | BTS (completed) 

I have a memory deeply ingrained in my head relating to this story and it’s unlike anything I’ve ever had in my life. It’s hard to explain but my new university hall was planning what I can only describe to people who are unfamiliar with Māori culture as a massive sleepover for orientation (for those who are familiar though - a noho) My flatmates at the time (the girls) and I were just starting to get to know each other and had joined me to read over my shoulder as well. So us three were all on one mattress and just reading the available chapters. I’ll forever remember that and be thankful of that :) 

11. @starxblossom - Cherry Wine | NCT (completed) 

It also won’t tag for some reason?!

Truly a story after my own heart. It’s a story I’ve been infatuated with since the first chapter and even though the last chapter as been completed for like three years now - it’s always at the back of my mind. Like if you think infatuation only exists between people you’d be wrong. I’m so incredibly fond of this story and I want everyone to read it so we can have long talks and have tipsy afternoons to this. It’s like music to me. 

12. @nikihoon - Jealousy Jealousy | ENHYPEN (completed) 

This story is so fun. So so fun. Like it was devious fun. I can’t describe it. I just physically couldn’t stop reading it. Truthfully I got in trouble with my mother for being ‘on my phone too much, what have you been reading anyway?’ whilst I was reading this. I’d also like to just mention Jungwon briefly but HE IS SO CUTE. I COULDN’T STOP LOOKING AT HIS PHOTOS ON PINTEREST WHILST I WAS READING THIS. Sorry I promise my favouritism is over - at least for now but ahh I just love it. A serotonin boost taking form in a story. 

13. @escapewriter - Redamancy | SEVENTEEN (completed) 

I’m in love with these characters. These boys bring chaos and healing wherever they go. I love Y/N. My standards are just raised but I can’t really explain what standards have been raised but I’m just here to say that they have. I just re read it again recently (like literally just now) and these characters have such a way of forming a little mould of themselves on your heart. In truth too I was contemplating which of your stories to add on here but it just clicked when I saw this. 

14. @ddeonuism - My (Accidental) Demon Roommate | ENHYPEN (completed) 

SUPER ENTERTAINING. I must say this story tested my loyalty so much and so often. It was on the interrogation table pleading and crying I’ll tell you that much. I remember just constantly looking for updates and being so happy each time. I was in a very angry phase (I don’t know what to call it) but this felt very healing and very calm in comparison to my moods. So thank you for that. Thank you for sharing and writing it. 

15. @yutaholic - Smashing The Six | NCT (completed) 

I’m writing this before my baby’s addition but it is so close to being completed. I’m really loving the story and the plot. I don’t want to spoil too much but I’m so glad I stumbled across your account and this story and binged the fuck out of it. I saw you updated recently and may have...accidentally decided to read it instead of paying attention to my meeting. Nobody noticed though so thank fuck but even I did get caught - I have zero regrets. 

16. @biaswreckingfics - No Exit | EXO (completed) 

Well first of all - hey, big fan! I watched you become a deobi through my other account and it was so satisfying to see. When I first got into No Exit - I can’t quite remember the chapter but I was practically hanging off every word you said. You always seemed to update when I was in the car going to university and I can remember just constantly refreshing the page again and again to make sure I didn’t miss it. Then when you uploaded a sequel - oh it was like love to me. So I’ll say it now - I love you, thank you :) 

17. @moonscriptsx - Scandalous | BTS (ongoing) 

Well first of all, I was so distraught when you got hacked and all your work got wiped away. I shed a tear. It was actually so heartbreaking. Scandalous was one of my favourite fics and was one that I binge read twice to enjoy it more than once. Then when I couldn’t find you one day - I went absolutely insane trying to find you. I FOUND YOU RECENTLY THOUGH! HENCE THE TAG! AHH! But I’m so happy you’re writing again and even though this fic no longer exists I’ll be enjoying your other fics regardless. 

18. @wooyukh - Loved | TXT (completed) 

When I tell you how much I fell in love with * during the time you were uploading this. Like the reality is that your fic was the music I fell in love to and I’m so glad for you. I loved this. Absolutely. I loved the simp that the both of them had and I loved everything. I loved LOVED and that’s the end of it. I hated one character in here with all my heart and I’m so glad about the ending. Ahhh it’s been so long - time for a re-read soon I think :) THANK YOU. 

19. @neoculturetravesty - We Met In Online Class | NCT (completed) 

OH MY GOD the writing quality is always MUAH (I’m in love with it - it’s so- I can’t explain it without letting out a sound that’s close to a moan, I’m sorry. But I love it. I love the tone of the story and the aesthetic I got from it. I don’t exactly have synesthesia but I got such a profound sense of feeling I can’t explain. It was like I was reading it but I could just see all these colours and feelings that I could just squeeze and it was just beautiful so thank you. 

20. @fairyofhee​ - Wasted Times | ENHYPEN (completed) 

My newest obsession. Loved it from the very beginning. I’ve been going through some new sort of thirst for the man that is *. But I loved this - all throughout - it became some sort of remedy for the shit going in my personal life. Bearing through the pain of cliffhangers was worth it. I’m obsessed. Still am. * is my safe haven right now. So I’m glad for this story for strengthening (?), processing (?) emphasising (?) that. 

author’s note : now I’m going to run away and go into hiding. four more of these guys... 

[levbolton]

HGSN Line game questions and answers

Volume 2 of Hikaru ga Shinda Natsu went out in Japan with a limited edition student card of Yoshiki with a special QR code for a Line bot. Moku said that they wrote almost all the answers, so let’s assume most of the information here is canon. I made a compilation of (I think almost) all answers, thanks to my dear moot Agnes that provided me the screenshots to the conversations (thanks a lot).

1. When is your birthday

Yoshiki: April 20th

Hikaru: March 20th

2. How old are you?

Yoshiki: I am 17, Hikaru … 16

Notice: I am very troubled about this, because why are they the same grade then…?

3. Do you like dogs?

Yoshiki: I used to go to my mother's family in Tokyo every New Year's Eve. The dog on my phone's lock screen is the one they keep there.

4. Do you like drinking?

Hikaru: You're always drinking. That old man...

Notice: I do not understand this one at all…

5. What do you think about Asako?

Yoshiki: I've never won an arm wrestling match... By the way, I think she is secretly popular among the boys.

6. What do you think about Yuuki?

Yoshiki: Yuki and I have been friends since junior high school and have known each other for a long time. The obligation chocolates she gives me for Valentine's Day are to die for.

7. What do you think about Maki?

Hikaru: Maki is really loud, louder than me.

8. Cute. (just this word)

Hikaru: I think so. Yoshiki's cute.

Yoshiki: ... I'm not happy…

9. Are you friends?

Hikaru: I have a lot of friends, but Yoshiki is like half my family.

Yoshiki: Well, ...... I'm sure I did. I did.

10. What do you think about Kaoru?

Hikaru: Kaoru is like a little sister to me too.

11. What do you think about your mother?

Hikaru: My mom and Yoshiki's mother are very close. They often have tea together.

12. Do you like your father?

Yoshiki: I don't talk to my dad... I don't talk to him at all, so...

13. Do you like summer holidays?

Hikaru: Summer is for watermelons!

Yoshiki: All you talk about is food.

14. What are your hobbies?

Yoshiki: Eh... Watching YouTube, reading comic books... I used to make insect specimens.

Hikaru: Read comics or... Eating?

15. What do you think about MasterMaster?

Hikaru: I've read a lot of Master Master. But it's only 120 volumes (unfinished), so…

Notice: MasterMaster is a reference to HxH, but damn 120 volumes, jojo style

16. What is your favourite film?

Hikaru: I like to watch movies for no reason.

17. What are your fondest memories?

Hikaru: The summer festival was memorable~ but the mince cutlet might be the best memory for me

18. Who do you like?

Hikaru: What do you mean by “like”? I don't know, but I think my favourite living thing is Yoshiki.

Yoshiki: I have the right to remain silent.

19. What is the Indo family history?

Hikaru: Come to think of it, it's a strange last name, isn't it? What's the origin?

20. What is the Tsujinaka family?

Yoshiki: My last name, I often forget to write the dots of Tsuji (辻)

If you mention Kohei, Tanaka, Takeda, Matsushima, Mikasa, Hikaru will answer like this: Eh?

21. Stamp

Text: Cheer up today! Roudo Nyan

Notice: Stamps on Line are like the equivalent of Facebook stickers. I assume we have a name for the kitty now…

22. What is your dialect?

Yoshiki: Our dialect seems to be often referred to as a mock Osaka dialect...It's not the same as Osaka dialect.

23. What are your aspirations?

Yoshiki: Leave the village...?

Hikaru: Eh~ to wipe my ass with a 10.000 yen bill

24. Happy birthday!

Yoshiki: Eh? Today is not my birthday.

Hikaru: Thank you! Today is my birthday!

Notice: It is not his birthday.

23. School festival

Hikaru: I'm sure I'll be a relay player, but I won't lose to the track and field guys~

Yoshiki: I'll probably be in charge of photography anyway.

24. School club

Yoshiki: After school, I basically study in the study room. The photo club is kind of a ghost club...

Hikaru: I practice with the football team, and when I'm done, I go home with Yoshiki.

25. Halloween

Hikaru: If I were to dress up for Halloween, I'd be a zombie! Ahahaha!

Yoshiki: It’s not funny…

26. Summer Festival

Hikaru: The summer festival was so much fun! Do you wear a yukata? 

Yoshiki: It's a hassle, I don't wear one.

Hikaru: I'd like to wear one at least once.

27. Sing

Hikaru: Ao~yama nakami ni~sozure tenbansan~♪ 

Yoshiki: I’s a school song 

Notice: Hikaru is singing the same song from chapter 13.2

28. Autumn

Hikaru: What's autumn like? Do the leaves change?

Yoshiki: The leaves turn red. The mountains turn red and silver grass grows.

Hikaru: Huh~ I'm looking forward to it.

Notice: I can’t he’s so... innocent....

29. Winter

Yoshiki: I don't like winter because it's cold. It snows here... 

Hikaru: The first time I saw snow with my own eyes, I was so moved. 

Notice: I CAN’T HE’S SO INNOCENT

30. Ice cream

Hikaru: I think Mr Gachigachi-kun is the best ice-cream maker.

Yoshiki: Yamakyu always only has Papikko, but that's third in my opinion

31. Do you believe in Santa?

Hikaru: Hey, when did you realise that Santa Claus doesn’t exist?

Yoshiki: I've had a faint hunch since I was about 5 years old.

Hikaru: Yoshiki, you were a realistic kid...

32.  Shichi-Go-San

Hikaru: Yoshiki, did you do the shinchi-go-san?

Yoshiki: I did... It doesn't suit you at all.

Hikaru: Hmm. I want to do it too. But come to think of it,  I'm not even three years old yet.

Notice: I can’t he’s so...........

Tbh I think these are useful for… eventual fanfics… (pls someone write a multichap au)

[caltropspress]

RAPS + CRAFTS #31: andrew

1. Introduce yourself. Past projects? Current projects?

I’m andrew. Currently working on sleepingdogs related stuff as always, a project with my guy esh & the isolations from Boston, a project with Brian Ennals, and then I’m producing a few things for some people right now as well. Just dropped a record with Height Keech this July. Earlier in the year I dropped a split with my brother ialive and the second sleepingdogs album. Right at the end of last year I dropped my third self-produced solo, don’t forget me, bluest, Too many past things to name them all - you can get my last solo and the latest sleepingdogs vinyl @ threedollarpistol.bandcamp.com.

2. Where do you write? Do you have a routine time you write? Do you discipline yourself, or just let the words come when they will? Do you typically write on a daily basis?

I write any and everywhere but not really by choice. The mind is always going, and you never know when it’s gonna start putting shit together. I write a lot of stuff in my head when I’m driving and just repeat the lines over and over trying build on it, but mostly trying not to forget. I also write at work a lot when I’m just zoned out building stuff. I’m always writing down bars or couplets throughout the day, but if I get on a roll I’ll step off the floor and duck into the bathroom for a second to finish a thought 'cause I don’t wanna be standing there on my phone too long. Those are probably the two places I write the most, but, as I said, it’s not really confined to any time or place. It all comes in spurts. I’m always writing something down, be it lists of words, phrases and random lines, or full verses. It seems to come in waves for me. I’ll be going crazy for a few months writing seemingly non-stop, then the next few months will pass and I haven’t really written shit as far as songs go, and I’ll think that it’s a wrap for me. Lots of ebbs & flows for sure.

3. What’s your medium—pen and paper, laptop, on your phone? Or do you compose a verse in your head and keep it there until it’s time to record?

These days it’s mostly phone, for sheer convenience. We always have our phones with us, so that just became the medium unfortunately. Up til a few years ago, I didn’t really write anything down. I would just write in my head and go over it out loud til I had it down pat and kept it only there until I laid it down, but over the years my memory seems to have less storage capacity. So, just to be safe, I started writing everything down in my phone. I think this actually maybe even caused me to start writing more because now instead of writing whole verses at a time, I’m constantly just writing down random lines and thoughts to put together more verses & hooks. When it comes to recording though, I really strive to have my verses memorized and read off my phone as little as possible.

4. Do you write in bars, or is it more disorganized than that?

Oh no, so disorganized! Lists of words, phrases, bars, concepts for hooks, any and everything really.

5. How long into writing a verse or a song do you know it’s not working out the way you had in mind? Do you trash the material forever, or do you keep the discarded material to be reworked later?

If I’m writing something and don’t like it within the first fours bars, I gotta trash it and start over. If I get like 10-12 in and I’m not loving it, I’ll just finish it anyway since I didn’t dislike it enough to stop at four. Then I’ll probably come back and cherry pick the good lines for another verse until the verse is just skin & bones and delete the rest if I don’t feel there’s anything more worth repurposing.

6. Have you engaged with any other type of writing, whether presently or in the past? Fiction? Poetry? Playwriting? If so, how has that mode influenced your songwriting?

I’ve written poetry as a much younger man and also started a novel at some point that got shelved indefinitely. Never really plays, but I used to storyboard write & illustrate ideas for music videos. I do design as well, so I used to have fun writing fake ad campaigns for products and foundations for school. And I’m seemingly always making up slogans or jingles for businesses for no reason at all. I dunno I guess I’m just always writing, consciously or unconsciously.

7. How much editing do you do after initially writing a verse/song? Do you labor over verses, working on them over a long period of time, or do you start and finish a piece in a quick burst?

I tend to get in zones and write whole verses and/or songs in one shot, depending on the project. Those verses could be comprised of some of the random lines and word lists compiled over time or completely fresh - you never really know. I definitely edit if I’m on roll, but if there’s a line or two I don’t love I’ll just leave it and come back later and revisit or strengthen it. Sometimes you got a good rhythm and you can kill it by getting caught up on one line that’s bothering you, so I usually will just try to tell myself I’ll come back and I move on.

8. Do you write to a beat, or do you adjust and tweak lyrics to fit a beat?

Both. Sometimes I’m feeling inspired to write and I don’t have beats on deck at the moment, whether my own or someone else’s, so I’ll just write, and later I’ll either make something that feels like the right fit, or hear something in a pack from someone that does and freak it and make necessary adjustments per the beat. Then there’s also some beats that just demand my attention and compel me to start writing immediately.

9. What dictates the direction of your lyrics? Are you led by an idea or topic you have in mind beforehand? Is it stream-of-consciousness? Is what you come up with determined by the constraint of the rhymes?

I think just the way I’m feeling most days. That’s why it’s a lot of dark humor raps and things of that nature. That tends to be the majority of my material but obviously if there’s a specific theme that dictates the bars. I think it can really start from anything, but a lot of the time if I’m messing around in my head at work or driving and I come up with a few good bars that feel like they are good ones to open a verse with, it’ll propel me to keep going. They could be anything - some goofy, funny shit or something dark. I guess again it comes back to the headspace I’m in at that moment.

10. Do you like to experiment with different forms and rhyme schemes, or do you keep your bars free and flexible?

I do, but I’ll be the first to admit I that don’t stray enough from the traditional when it comes to schemes and flows. I do mess with it on my own and try different things and write different ways, but I guess I usually don’t think that they’re strong enough and stick to the more traditional, though I’m definitely trying to break out of that and expand, for sure.

11. What’s a verse you’re particularly proud of, one where you met the vision for what you desire to do with your lyrics?

I really like my verse on “flutes” on the first sleepingdogs album. I dunno it’s one that every time I do it live it just feels satisfying. It’s no real concept; it’s just bars, but it’s one that feels good every time. "living blues" from don’t forget me, bluest is another one. I think maybe just everything about that one makes me feel good - the hook, the verse, the flow, the outro. That was one that I made that when I was done writing I was immediately like, “Yeah, this one is something.”

12. Can you pick a favorite bar of yours and describe the genesis of it?

"And I heard em sayin', 'Yo, why's drew the best? / I’m handin' out bodies like I'm breakin' up the Eucharist (eucha-rest)” from "flutes" as well has always been a fave, though it doesn’t really translate as anything special now that I'm typing it out - haha.

13. Do you feel strongly one way or another about punch-ins? Will you whittle a bar down in order to account for breath control, or are you comfortable punching-in so you don’t have to sacrifice any words?

I definitely write with breath control in mind and definitely prefer to record a verse start to finish. I’ve definitely punched in but not because I wasn’t able to rap the whole verse, but more to make sure I hit certain words stronger than I could if I was doing it all straight through. As long as I can do the verse live and spit it straight, I don’t really care about having to punch because when recording and delivering a product you’re trying to present the best product, so for the sake of that I think it’s okay. So long as you can actually spit the verse, that is. That’s just me, though. I know there’s a lot of different views on this and some people are against it and some people do it obviously with the overlaps and all, but that’s just my take. I don’t particularly care too much about it one way or another.

14. What non-hiphop material do you turn to for inspiration? What non-music has influenced your work recently?

Man, too much. I get inspiration from all kinds of music. All good music makes me want to make music. Lately I been listening to a lot of Lykke Li, Rolling Stones, Heatmiser, Charles Bradley, Lee Moses, Courtney Marie Andrews, Lady Wray - too many to name. Outside of music, reading really inspires me as well. I been reading / listening to a lot this year and it definitely gets me going.

15. Writers are often saddled with self-doubt. Do you struggle to like your own shit, or does it all sound dope to you?

I have flashes of it, but overall I feel like I know when something is dope and when something isn’t working. And when it’s not, then I put it to the side and rework until it is. And if it never gets to where it needs to be, then it doesn’t come out. I feel being honest with yourself and admitting when something isn’t quite there is super important as an artist to make sure you’re putting out quality work, not just everything you put down on the page.

16. Who’s a rapper you listen to with such a distinguishable style that you need to resist the urge to imitate them?

Freeway. Every time I listen to Free I start rapping like him to myself in the car, but that’s where it stays - haha.

17. Do you have an agenda as an artist? Are there overarching concerns you want to communicate to the listener?

I think really just mental health stuff and the will to keep pushing forward. I write a lot of dark stuff laced with humor 'cause I feel it and I need to say it to get it out of my head and try to deal with those thoughts and feelings. And I think that’s important 'cause hopefully it can help people dealing with the same kinds of things and they’re not alone in it. It’s really just one day at a time, as cliche as that is. Just gotta do your best to get through the day, and tomorrow is a fresh start.

RAPS + CRAFTS is a series of questions posed to rappers about their craft and process. It is designed to give respect and credit to their engagement with the art of songwriting. The format is inspired, in part, by Rob McLennan’s 12 or 20 interview series.

Photo credit: Noah Anthony Mezzacappa

[thelittleredheadedmusician]

Yknow what. I’m not done complaining about dc. I started bitching in the tags of my prev post & i have more feelings. I get a stack of dc every month & we’ll take the vertigo (i refuse to call it anything else if only cause it’s shorter) stuff out i still have like 6 titles a month. That is if dc decides they’ll actually put out a jsa issue that month. The ones I’m most excited to read rn? Flash, Birds of Prey, & Green Arrow. Why? Cause the characters feel like the characters i fell in love with & the story is actually compelling. Yes, green arrow is suffering hard from the crossover shoehorning but the whole physically cannot occupy the same time and space as the people you love is a legit issue for Ollie & fascinating gotcha from Merlyn. Like, it’s novel! And I’m curious to see how it shakes out. The weird string theory/comic book physics around the speed force that spurrier is doing in flash is honestly REALLY cool. I’ll be the first to say i couldn’t care less about the speed force. It works cause it’s plot the only reason the flashes study it is cause they’re a bunch of adhd scientists who can’t help themselves & the writers feel the need to put their stamp on it. The whole weird dimensions & alien beings & time cops is super strange but hella compelling & the way it’s affecting the characters & eroding their relationships which are so core to flash characters is really amazing I love how much it hurts. Truly i cannot wait to see how exactly this shakes out. Know what I don’t care for? Whatever the fuck Amanda Waller is doing. I, who normally hates “let’s study the speed force!” stories wishes we could get back to studying the speed force cause the whole ham fisted analogy crossover thing is so boring & not even original. I think dc has done this exact plot at least twice before. In main continuity. It pops up every couple years anymore & it will never be what the 80s x-men were & they need to just stop trying. And bop! I love bop right now! I could wax poetic about the art styles cause they’re stunning & SO expressive. In a post where I’m bitching about stories I’ll just leave it there. The story itself? Pretty interesting, if standard bop stuff at first. Gotta put a ragtag team of gals together to do something low key shady cause it’s the right thing. The team is a nice mix; tho I’m not sorry to see Harley go, she’s another character that I understand sells comics but I am so sick of seeing it is not even funny. It’s not even that I dislike her as a character I’m just over her being in every single comic. And the dimension hopping weird babs rescue mission? I’m in! Where we going next? What even is the reason? Sure, we just rescued sin in a very similar plot structure but idc! The writing is fun! The dialogue is fun! The page of Cass’s reactions to vixen’s lingerie options is BRILLIANT! Love the lineup! It’s nailing what I think jsa is attempting but in a more fun & lighthearted tone. Tbh I’m not sure cause I’m still not sure what’s going on in jsa since they seem to publish it at will every like 3-5 months so I have no real clue what’s going on in that one. And I’ve been reading it for like 2 years now. I’m so tired of Nightwing & titans. I, a titans girlie, find it so boring. They’re both boring! From go they’ve been extensions of each other which is frustrating. Some moments in each I really enjoy! But overall? I still don’t see where Nightwing is going & tbh it feels like dick has spent this whole time doing nothing. Despite the fact that we were told he did so much he got a key to the city! He did adopt a dog. That’s like the most memorable & only real thing that he achieved. Cause the foundation? He’s a bat. They all do that. And titans? Oh wow. Another Raven goes evil story. Wow. How shocking. How original. Like honestly, is there some word on high at dc about the titans not being allowed to do a story that isn’t rehashing Judas contract or trigon? Cause I cannot be the only person bored with those being the only 2 titans plots anymore.

[ecargmura]

Hirogaru Sky! Precure Episode 9 Review: Cure Wing Takes Flight

This episode was the best one by far. The tension! The action! All of it was amazing! Best of all, Cure Wing makes his debut and his transformation scene was amazing! Clearly a flashy and memorable entrance for the franchise’s first regular male Precure!

Tsubasa is ranking up to be my favorite of this show. He’s so sweet. He wants to protect Ellee because he doesn’t want to see a small child like her in harm’s way! The way he started flying after his transformation scene made me shed a tear. My boy finally flew. My reaction was exactly like Sky’s.

Cure Wing’s transformation came and bitch-slapped Cure Prism’s transformation into the next dimension. Holy heck, that was an AMAZING transformation sequence. I’ve read on social media that the animator who animated this was a new one. If a new animator made this incredibly well, I can’t wait to see their future projects. It was so fluid like Sky’s! I loved how it has a mix of masculinity and femininity in it. It’s the first time a male gets a Precure transformation sequence, but the franchise kept its girly and elegant movements with it. I think that’s what I love about it the most. His voice actor also delivered with the Hop Step Jump portions! While Murase normally sounds feminine, I do like how he shouts the lines with a mix of boyishness and girlishness that is suited for a character like Wing. I was so worried it was going to be as bad as Prism’s, but it wasn’t. I am so relieved. I think my favorite part of the transformation scene was the end portion where he flies around and then winks. That was amazing. 10/10 perfection—it’s as perfect as Sky’s.

I think the fact that Ellee got so much focus here compared to previous episodes shows a lot too! I also makes me wonder why Ellee didn’t get any important focus until now. The last time she got integral focus was in episode 3. I think the most jarring thing about Ellee is that she’s too intelligent for an infant. The way she was trying to protect Tsubasa by telling him to jump into her cradle and how she used her unexplained powers to stop him from falling. I can tell there is more to Ellee that meets the eye.

Sky and Prism felt like side characters in this episode, which is okay since this was Cure Wing’s time to shine. Their teamwork is impeccable. The fact that they team up to help Sky jump higher into the sky shows their trust that finally builds up after the conflict in Episode 5. The way they jumped and fell onto the building but still persisted on stopping the Ranborg made me feel tense. That gotta hurt.

Ageha was the one who came up with the plan for Sky and Prism to jump and help Sky jump farther, but the plan had its flaws when they keep falling onto the ground and keep standing up to do it again. Ageha’s worried face and her insecurities of making a flawed plan is building up for her arc. I can sense it will be good.

Kabaton was a bit hypocritical in this episode. He insulted Tsubasa and assumed that he’s helping Ellee because he was expecting a reward from the king. However, Kabaton is shown asking for rewards when he opened the portal and announced he captured Ellee. The fact that he wanted so much rewards was the factor that let Tsubasa take Ellee away.

My favorite portions, other than the transformation sequence, was Tsubasa’s comedic portions in his bird form. The way he rolled made me giggle to no end. Tsubasa is definitely a hard worker comedically and seriously.

With how awesome Cure Wing’s transformation is, I do worry about Cure Butterfly’s. Will they pull a Prism or will they be consistent like Sky and Wing’s? Only time will tell. I wonder how long it will take for Ageha to bask in the spotlight. I wonder what’s going to happen after all four Cures gather. Will we see more of the Underg Empire? I can’t wait to see more!

Also, I want to give a shout out to my Twitter friends Fuwa and Mina. If not for them, I would have missed out on how awesome Precure is. Thank you!

[cxncri]

love buzz [mello x reader] [chap. 5]

last chapter: chap. 4

author’s note: I’M SO SORRY FOR DISAPPEARING FOR MONTHS, I’VE BEEN SO BUSY W/ SCHOOL <\3

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after talking it out, you settle on act 4, scene 1. it’s the scene where beatrice persuades benedick to kill claudio, his friend. there’s a good banter, and plenty of room for dramatic improvisation. of course, the whole acting part is easier said than done.

it’s easier being around mello now, after all the tension and spite has been somewhat resolved. almost all of the previous malice and whatnot you’d held against him had subsided, and you honestly felt a lot better now. he’s almost bearable, and you’re starting to see why people like him so much. he’s charismatic, first of all, and the way he carries himself is full of confidence.

you’re both on your bed, and you’re suddenly aware of how close he is to you. this is the first time you’ve ever had a boy over, especially in your room? even though it wasn’t anything serious, it was still new to you. he seemed pretty at-ease though, so you weren’t entirely worried.

“okay, claudio? benedick? the hell are these names?” the two of you are hunched over, reading the script on your laptop. he has a point, because benedick? what type of name is that?

“give poor shakespeare a break. this was written in what, the 1500s? 1600s?”

“fair point, but still. i can’t believe i’m going to be some guy named benedick.”

this time you try and stifle your laugh when he says it, but he hears you before you can stop it.

“so you do have a sense of humor! honestly, that wasn’t even that funny, but i don’t think i’ve ever heard you laugh before.”

you scoff. “i’ve laughed before, i mean, duh, of course i have. i laugh all the time?” it comes out like a question, and mello raises an eyebrow at you.

“okay, i guess,” he says, dragging the “okay” out.

“i do!” you protest, shrugging. “like uh, like hmm,” you fumble for examples. “like yesterday! sayu and i were studying and-“

“seriously?” he interjects. “studying? the first example you think of has to do with studying?”

“it was the most recent example, okay? let’s just get back to working on this.”

“sounds good,” he agrees.

you get back to work, annotating and highlight important parts. it’s going to be somewhat of a challenge to memorize, but that’s the point, isn’t it? besides, both of you were always looking for a challenge, anyway.

after maybe twenty, thirty-ish minutes, you’ve made quite a decent amount of progress on it. see, it’s not only the scene where benedick agrees to kill claudio, but also the scene where benedick and beatrice admit that they love each other. it’s not a big deal, the romance part, but you have a feeling that neither of you will mention it.

since it’s only been a few hours, your parents aren’t back, and you have nothing else to do, you offer to put on the movie adaptation for much ado about nothing.

“sure,” mello says. “it’ll probably help visualize the scene more, you know?”

“yeah,” you agree. he rolls off your bed, stretching when he gets up. you get up, smooth out the blankets, and close your laptop, leaving it behind on your bed. you could’ve just watched it on your laptop, sure, but something about having him right next to you for the entire movie made you nervous.

you go downstairs, grabbing the snack you made earlier, a blanket, and the remote. you turn on the television, flipping through streaming services until you find one with the movie on it. mello flops down on the couch, and you sit next to him, leaving a good amount of distance between.

you start the movie and if you’re being honest, it’s not that entertaining.

“huh. i don’t know what i expected, but i expected more out of this, you know?”

you’re glad he feels the same about it, because as beneficial it might be for the acting, it’s so boring.

“do you just want to skip to the scene we’re doing so we can get this over with?”

“yeah, that would be better than this,” he concludes.

you fast-forward to the scene you need, and note how the characters interact, how the scene plays out. you’ll probably end up watching that specific scene again later, but it’s more interesting to you now after studying it for hours.

after the scene finishes, you realize the sun has set and it’s starting to get dark. since you and mello are done with everything for today, it’s probably best that he goes home. except, for some reason, you don’t really want him to leave? it’s nice having company that isn’t sayu for once, it’s different.

you’re just about to say something when he offers up the idea of going to get food.

“hey,” he says, “you said your parents weren’t going to be back until late, so how about we go get food somewhere?”

you’re a little stunned by this, to be honest, but it sounds fun.

“c’mon, i’ll drive,” he adds on, and you’re in. you didn’t really expect the day to end up like this, but you’re not exactly complaining.

he gets up from the couch and looks at you, waiting for you to follow him.

sure, you think. why not?

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taglist: @mo-3-bius

[strwbrryk1tkat]

Band Mates Chater 1

author's note:

HI all!!! I just want to preface that this is my first time uploading a piece of writing on tumblr. With every new chapter released I will be updating the Band Mates Soundtrack playlist on spotify so feel free to listen to that while you read!!

First, I just want to say THIS FIRST CHAPTER IS NOT THE BEST. If it was up to me tbh this first chapter would not exist, but unfortunately for all of us, the information in this chapter is relevant. I am working on chapter 2 as we speak.

Second, Everything about this story is completely original. The plot and characters all came to me in a dream (lol). I know the only other work on my acc is a fic (😭😭) and that’s like what ao3 is known for, but i just couldn’t think of which universe and which characters would work best for this so i decided to go rogue

Third and last, for this I just have to save plsss be patient with me updating chapters. I’m in my last like 2/3 weeks of high school and i have A LOT going on. Again, this chapter is super short and feels super rushed but that was the best way for me to provide this context.

THANK YOU AND ENJOY

Part 1

Band Member Needed to fill an open space Guitarist and Lead singer suddenly quit Call or Text: ***-***-****

I snap a picture of the poster hanging up on the corkboard in my local cafe. I never look at this thing but the one time I do it presents me with a fabulous opportunity. I’ve had nothing to do since finals ended 2 weeks ago. I feel like I’ve been wasting my time just going between work, home, and the cafe, so this is perfect. My next session starts in about 10 minutes so as I make my way over I shoot them a quick text.

Hey, saw ur poster. when r auditions?

Time to wait.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

”Just remember what I showed you, the easiest way is to start by memorizing the dates then adding the events.” Jason’s mom hands me my 40 for the session. I honestly feel bad taking it, this kid has not gotten any better, and history is such a hard subject to tutor in. I pull out the phone to check the time when I see a new text.

Whenever ur available

I shoot back.

How about right now.

I get another text with an address. Cool. The location is about 5 minutes from my apartment which is about 10 minutes from Jason’s house.

Be there in 15

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ”No, absolutely not,” the speaker turns to me. “She can’t join.” “Levi, she’s the only one who responded, the least we can do is let her audition.” “We don’t even know if she can sing let alone play guitar.” “That’s the point of the audition, bud.” The guy standing at the keyboard says. They’re talking like I’m not standing in front of them listening to their whole conversation. And who does this ‘Levi’ guy think he is? I’m standing right here with my guitar case. The guy who must be the leader steps forward and stretches out his hand. “Hey, I’m Graham. I play lead guitar but I don’t sing. On keys we have Percy, bass Lewis, and the naysayer on the drums is Levi.” I shake his hand firmly. “Willow.” “Cool, you ready?” Half an hour later I’m sitting in a group with the guys. They’re in a semi circle facing me. “So… Willow?” I nod. “How long have you been a girl?” Lewis asks. “Are you serious?” “No, thought it would be funny.” “Right,” Graham cuts in. “Here’s our rehearsal and show schedule. We want to stay busy this summer, so if you have any outstanding conflicts this might not be the best arrangement for you. It’s really important that you keep a clean image. In a way, you’re the face of our band. You’re the one everyone hears the most and you’re the one most people will be looking at.” Lots of pressure I guess. I’ve kept a clean state, and I believe I’m a nice face to look at. I used to do some modeling before I started college. When my contract expired I decided to not renew it. “I don’t think we have to worry about the image thing, she’s pretty and for bonus points she’s black. 2 minorities.” Percy smiles at me. He sure said it. We’re both black. To provide a better picture of eveyrone in the room, Graham is tall and lanky with long-ish flowy brown hair. Lewis looks just like him. Like seriously identical, if they say they’re not related there’s not a chance I’d believe them. The only different is Lewis has shorter hair. Kind of like the standard for a band leader of this caliber. Percy is talk and black with a shaved head bleached blond. Levi is tall and pretty muscular. I’m the height you’d expect rod a female model. Honestly I never stood out on the runway. I prefer to keep my hair straight with extensions since it’s much easier to manage. After being added to their text chain I have 1 question. “What’s your band name?” “Palin Drome.” Graham responds. Seemingly really proud of this name. “Ok, cool. I’ll see you tomorrow I guess.” I’m officially part of a band with one of the dumbest names I’ve ever heard.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“Listen up guys! Our first gig EVER is tomorrow night! We have to lock in. No room for failure today and definitely no room for failure tomorrow.” I’m a little nervous. We just have a cover set for now, we haven’t been playing long enough to figure out our sound. Our set list Red Wine Supernova - Chappell Roan Theatre - Etta Marcus Nothing Matters - Last Dinner Party Everlong - Foo Fighters

I’ve been practicing with these guys for about a month almost every day. They’re all super nice to me except for Levi. I don’t know what’s up with that guy. I’m super nice to him. I say hi and bye and ask questions but he completely ignores me. I asked Percy about it and apparently he’s only like this with me. Great. I try not to think about it but it bugs me so much. What did I do to him? Did I say something weird? Do I looke unapproachable? Is he racist? The last one is the most extreme I know he’s not because he and Percy are practically best friends. Maybe he hates women. Like one of those Reddit incels. But that wouldn’t make any sense either because I’m literally the only person he treats this way. We play through the set so many times I’m worried we’ll start sucking, And that would be terrible because we sound great. I was worried I wouldn’t mesh well with these guys who’d know each other for so long before but I think I fit great.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ It’s an hour before the party we’re set to play it is supposed to start and I’m freaking. I’ve been set up warmed up and tuned for about an hour already and I’ve just been waiting for everyone to show up so we can rehearse. I’m not entirely alone though, Levi’s here. He’s been setting up his drum set in complete silence. I said hi when he walked in, still silence. But it’s fine I’m sure I’ll get out of something To help with the nerves I decide to take a shot, or 2. Instantly feel better. I absolutely despise the taste of vodka but I love the way I feel after it. I offer Levi a shot and surprisingly he acknowledges me, but just for a second to take the drink from my hand. I feel great. I’m pumped and ready. The set we play is absolutely perfect. I’m elated. So naturally, I start to party. I’m throwing back drinks when all of a sudden I feel this weird sense of dread. I feel terrible, like something’s wrong that I need to sort out. Then I realize, this bullshit with Levi. I spot him across the room talking up some girls. When we make I contact I make a beeline for him dragging him in to the nearest room and shutting the door behind me. Before he can open his mouth to protest I start. “I need to ask you something extremely important.” No response, great. “But seriously I need an answer.” “Fine.” “Why do you hate me?” He looks at me with a confused look. “I don’t hate you Willow.” “Okay, then why are you so weird to me?” Oh jeez, and now I’m crying. “I don’t know.” What a stupid answer. He knows exactly why he treats me the way he does. “You hate me.” I’m drunk and sobbing to this guy who’s opinion of me doesn’t matter. “No, I don’t.” “You do.” “I don’t, Willow. I have to go.” And he leaves. He leaves! What the fuck. He leaves me sobbing in some random guys bedroom in some random guys house. He’s such a dick.

Notes: Ty for reading! pls give likes if you enjoyed it and feel free to add any suggestions you’d like to see!

[simpforsix]

okay so i know a lot of people are anxious about public speaking, and also that school teaches you nothing about the art of public speaking, so i’ve decided to share some tips! these are all things i’ve learnt after doing debate for six years and giving speeches since i was ten, so these are all things that actually work. these are all based around giving speeches in a classroom setting.

first, preparing to give a speech.

1. write out the speech. once you get more comfortable i suggest switching to bullet points, but that’s pretty daunting without experience with improvising/memorization. write it out in large, clear font, so that you don’t have to squint and you won’t lose your place as easily when you give it.

2. read the speech out loud. learn the flow of the words, and change things around to make it flow better. replace words you struggle with. start practicing looking up from the paper as much as possible. if you find you’re losing your place, use bright markers or pens to divide it up. practice projecting your voice.

3. mark up your paper as needed. mark places to breathe, places to speed up and slow down, and changes in volume. add in dramatic pauses and what emotion to use at different parts. keep reading it aloud with these. this is part of the art of public speaking, and with practice will come naturally. these aspects also set your speech apart, and make it easy to get good marks in the presentation. 

4. time your speech. most of the time you’ll have a time limit, and you need to know where you fall. you need to read it out loud a couple times and time it each time, to make sure that variation still falls within the time limit. 

5. give the speech to an audience before the day of the speech. my former debate coach used to have public speaking anxiety, and he would give speeches to stuffed animals to practice. you can also give the speech to family or friends. even just one person is better than none. this will prepare you to give this speech for an audience, and will also show you the variations that come with that. afterwards you may want to add in more places to breathe to account for anxiety and projection, as well as any notes they may have.

now, let’s talk about the day of. you wake up and you’re anxious, you can’t stop thinking about the speech, and you’re overthinking everything. 

1. put on clothes that make you feel comfortable and confident. make sure you can breathe deeply. i personally like doing some eyeliner since that makes me feel more confident. if needed, rings are good for subtle fidgeting.

2. listen to music that makes you feel confident. i have a specific debate playlist of artists like lizzo, doja cat, and ashnikko. try imagining yourself looking badass while giving the speech to this music. also, it’s pretty hard to be insecure while screaming the lyrics of truth hurts.

3. you’re probably not going to be able to stop thinking about the speech, but you can channel that into something more productive. read over the speech, double check your marks, put all that energy into preparation. this will also help convince you that you’re ready, since you’ve done everything you can. don’t make any big changes though, since you haven’t practiced them.

4. prepare your voice. i use this for tournaments so a lot of this probably isn’t necessary for a short class speech, but it helps you feel more prepared. drink some tea or suck on some cough drops, and make sure to drink lots of water. anxiety makes you sweat, and your throat needs water. you can also do any vocal warmups or exercises you like.

speech time! how do you put all of this into a speech when you get called up?

1. walk up with confidence. even if it’s not real, it makes you look better.

2. when you get up to the front, do whatever you need to prepare. arrange your papers, get into a comfortable stance, and look up. look up before you start talking. this way, you can pick where to look as well as prepare yourself. pick three different spots on the back wall to look at. looking at the wall makes people think you’re making eye contact without you having to actually look at them. if you are allowed, i also recommend using your phone as a timer.

3. when you’re ready, start talking. take a deep breath and give the speech as you’ve given it so many times in practice. trust your markings, and don’t deviate from what you’ve prepared. try to only think about the words. it’ll be over before you know it.

4. only look at the back wall or the tops of people’s heads. facial expressions will throw you off, so don’t try to figure out if you’re doing well by looking for reactions. people tend to think making eye contact in a speech just means looking up from your paper, so you’ll get good marks if you look up every few seconds to stare at the wall. 

5. what do you do if something goes wrong? well good for you, i have a lot of experience with fucking up a speech. i’ve cried at the podium, had panic attacks, forgotten my speech, and pretty much any other fuck up you can think of.

if you lose your place and can’t find it, just find the closest place and keep going. it doesn’t matter if you repeat a sentence or skip one, but pausing for a while looks bad and will throw you off. 

if you can’t catch your breath, take a few seconds to breathe deeply and keep going. if you’re still out of breath, your best bet is to try to make it to the end of your speech. sometimes taking a drink of water can also help.

if you have a panic attack and can’t finish, i know from experience that people tend to be pretty understanding. try to arrange a time to redo it, and you can also ask for there to be as few people in the room as possible. sometimes people will also permit you to submit a video.

if you get interrupted, try to talk over it. some interruptions are brief, like a loud cough or a notification sound. some aren’t, like heckling. take a pause to wait out the interruption, and allow someone else to deal with it. if nobody deals with it, take advantage of the power you have as the person in the front of the room. ask for any timer to be paused, and then you can be as polite or passive aggressive as you want. 

no matter what goes wrong, just continue on as best you can. people should be understanding about factors out of your control. if you try to keep going no matter what, most of the time you’ll gain respect and your marks won’t be too badly influenced. 

and now your speech is over! just sit down and relax. the worst part is over, and you’ve done all you can. also, i promise it didn’t go as badly as you think. even after years of public speaking i still think that every speech i give sucks. i’ve given speeches i thought were terrible that ended up winning me a medal. and even in classes where i’ve listened to the speeches of people without my experience, none of them have done a bad or embarrassing job. besides, no matter how badly it went, it’s over. 

[kareofbears]

A B D J and K, would you kindly?

If it's too many I'm sorry, just pick whichever of them you feel like doing. Have a good night/day Bear, got it memorized?

I missed my Fucking BUS so I’m answering this now so I don’t have a mental breakdown HAHAHAHA if there’s typos it’s because my thumbs are freezing fyi

A: Of the fanfic you've written, which is your favorite and why?

Hmm I think this answer changes all the time. My instinct is always to say my longest one since it’s often times the most difficult one, but for the most part I think that fic has just really grown away from me, so that’s not my answer. For today, my answer would either be ‘desperate as that sounds’ (akiryu, persona 5) or ‘I never gave a warning sign’ (newtmas, maze runner). I always loved desperate as that sounds because I think my characterizations for that fic is just really strong overall. For warning signs, it’s probably my best argument fic to this date, and I really like the conflict and dialogue I gave those two.

B: What was the first fandom you read fic in?

Which was the first you wrote fic for?

Oh my god ok true Alex stans know that i pretty much learned to read and write via my sisters reading fanfic to me when i was 3 💀💀 so probably my first fandom is whatever they were into. I think it’s either Tekken or YuYu hakusho? But the first one where I CHOSE the fandom, I think Percy Jackson when I was 10? The first fic I wrote is an unfinished unpublished Glee fic, I don’t even wanna talk about that 💀 first POSTED fic is MCYTs, mindcrack HAHA The RPF ran strong in me.

D: What's the most personal fanfic you've written?

The answer will always be ‘plainly in truth’ (p5 akiryu) but the special mention goes out to ‘easy in this blue’ (BTS, namseok), a less than 500 word drabble I should probably delete

J: What's your favorite fanfic trope? Have you written it?

The real answer is the “leader and his right hand man” concept where one of the pair is seen as the amazing prodigy leader person, and the other half is seen as “less/inferior”, but behind closed doors it’s actually the other way around. Every single persona fic I’ve written has this concept HAHAHA

But I’m currently posting a fic that’s both an outside pov and a memory loss fic, which are two tropes I LOVE

K: Do you have a guilty pleasures in fic (reading or writing)?

barring explicit themes…

I’m sorry I love a good “who did this to you” trope I’m only a woman I can’t help it, it’s just too good. I also love a good Mary/gary sue concept, I love an overpowered character that just mows everyone down without effort. I also love established relationships—get togethers are slightly overrated, that’s my hot take

Thank you for the ask, I’m significantly less upset at the world after answering this :))

[lumiereandcogsworth]

tagged by @thavron thank you my dear :)

1. are you named after anyone? yes! my great-grandma lydia. we share a birthday AND she died on her birthday exactly one year before i was born. a very fun and slightly spooky anecdote

2. when was the last time you cried? last night, i got a very angsty fic idea and as usual i somehow manage to put myself into the character’s shoes so easily and i was crying a character’s tears. last time i cried my own tears was the night before i think, or something like that. idk, i cry a lot lmao.

3. do you have kids? no but my build-a-bear stitch IS my son

4. what sports do you play / have you played? i played basketball from ages 6-17 and it was basically my entire personality. haven’t done any sports since then and probably won’t, though i’m trying to find some kind of exercise that could actually be fun :/ i loved rock climbing in college but there’s no wall near where i live. but anyway i’ll figure it out

5. do you use sarcasm? noOooOoo i would Neverrrrrrrr

6. what’s the first thing you notice about people? i genuinely have no idea, i don’t really look at people. maybe their voice/the way they speak? or their shoes cuz that’s where i be looking lmao

7. what’s your eye color? i don’t knoowww. blue green grey. depends on what i’m wearing, sometimes the blue really pops. but sometimes it doesn’t look like my eyes are blue at all so. i think they’re mostly grey.

8. scary movies or happy endings? once again this question makes no sense because a lot of scary movies (most?? nearly all????) HAVE happy endings. but anyway to quote the fairy fauna from sleeping beauty, i just LOVE happy endings :”)

9. any talents? well i like to think i’m an alright writer! i actually Know i’m a good writer at least when it comes to school essays because that was always where i got the most praise. but i think my fics are pretty good too!! writing’s just always come naturally to me. other than that idk, i’m pretty good at memorizing stuff when i want to.

10. where were you born? pacific northwest babey!!!! (northwestern united states)

11. what are your hobbies? writing and day dreaming are like, my two staples. i’m striving to make 2024 the year i start being more crafty though. i have a couple projects brewing and i have a batb 2017 coloring book that i just bought some markers for to start coloring more. in the future i’d like to try crochet and embroidery but i don’t wanna overwhelm myself. one step at a time

12. do you have any pets? no :( i’m just an auntie to a lot of pets. the one i see most often is my brother’s shiba inu, mishka. he’s my little baby nephew and i wanna eat his face off. but anyway i’d like a cat or two some day! probably whenever i move out of my parents’ house. (which i’m not in a big rush to do, i like it here :3)

13. how tall are you? somewhere between 5’5 and 5’6. but with shoes definitely 5’6

14. favorite subject in school? elementary to high school it was probably english/creative writing, since i’ve always had a knack for it. in college it was my two majors, comparative ethnic studies and history. my favorite CES classes were “race and racism in pop culture” and “blackness in film.” my favorite history classes were “history of the late middle ages” (shout out to my girl joan of arc!) and “history of ancient greece” which was my absolute favorite course in all four years of university. it was actually one i happened to take in the quarantine year (my junior year of college) but it still slapped even despite being over zoom. that professor was awesome and i was so obsessed with the material, i kept most of the books and even asked him for more recommendations. (haven’t read them all yet, but i like seeing them on my bookshelf lol)

15. dream job? whatever ends up supporting my desires in life, and brings me at least some semblance of joy. the job i have right now is actually really awesome. it has a couple downsides but overall i’m extremely happy with my job and it feels great :)

tagging: @gayassbenaffleck @freakwiththeknifecollection @gavotteangel @roberrtphilip @ariiiloves @autumnrose11 @ginnyweatherby @enchanted-keys @romeoandjulietyouwish @japhan2024 @splendiferous-bitch + anyone else can say i tagged them :))

[flamingo-strikes]

ZAINAAAA 2, 3, 5, 16 + 17 for the end of the year book asks mwah mwah <333

LEEEEEE BOOK BUDDY!!!!!! <333333

[2 and 3 answered here hehe!]

5. What genre did you read the most of?

Ohhh this year, Idk if it’s bc of our convos that sparked an interest lmao, but I read a lot more classics and gothic literature than I usually do!! (Well actually my english classes probably helped lmfao). It’s tough to say I read the most of it bc tbh I’m pretty balanced with romance + literary fiction + fantasy, but I had a lot of memorable reads in the gothic lit genre. Beloved, Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde, Northanger Abbey, Wuthering Heights, and some more modern gothic picks!

16. What is the most over-hyped book you read this year?

LMFAO don’t kill me but I did try to get through Iron Flame by Rebecca Yarros, since I didn’t hate the first one completely, and ofc I didn’t financially support this woman, I pirated both times. But GODDAMN this sequel was so shit, like it was just words on paper at some point, and the slowest pacing I’ve ever seen. Everything remotely likable in the series before was literally stripped away. I have no idea how the shitty writing on top of the publishing misprints haven’t driven away all the fans. I don’t like judging people when it comes to trashy reads bc god knows I have my vices, but how Iron Flame has a 4.5 goodreads rating is beyond me. I feel like she pays her fans lmfao. Anyways I DNF-ed at 45% through after literally 2 months of trying to read it 😭

17. Did any books surprise you with how good they were?

Yes!! I love when this happens!! Counterpart by Ella Pyne literally made me feel happiness for the first time in months lmao, it was THAT good!!! The Belladonna series by Adalyn Grace was also really enjoyable! I’m so invested in this series now. It’s not perfect and it def is guilty of some YA/NA romance quirks, but I really love it. I can’t wait for the last book to come out. It’s a very unique series, like I can’t say I’ve read anything like it before tbh! Trial of the Sun Queen by Nisha J. Tuli was SO GOOD too. I expected a basic adult romantic fantasy, and I got pleasantly surprised with a lovely world setting and a feral south asian fmc whom I adore (she’s like 90% why I love it lol). Lastly, The Summer of Broken Rules by K.L Walther, was SUCH a feel good story. I’m not even joking my face hurt from smiling so much. I expected a basic contemporary romance such booktok has shit taste lmao, but this was a very sweet story about family, grief, sisterly love, and platonic love was emphasized even more than the romance ngl!

[iftheshoef1tz]

Since i answered some of your questions on someone else’s ask, @legionsofthehungry, i figured I’d make a separate post and condense a little!

Why did you decide to write about azriel and eris, a pairing many consider a crackship but could be categorized as a rarepair?

I definitely consider it a rare pair, not a crackship, since az and eris have had several (very memorable) interactions in canon. When i first read acotar last year and decided to delve into fandom for the first time since 2016, i thought i might want to write something, but i felt i didn’t have anything interesting to say for feysand or nessian, despite loving those pairings. I’ve always loved me a good ETL, and i discovered azris on reddit, where i first started interacting with the acotar fandom. It just felt right!

Was it something that came to you full-form? Or were you surprised at any point by the story wanting to go in a different direction? How much of the story do you have outlined in advance?

It cracks me up to tell this story (so i tell it all the time) but originally obpbl was intended to be only 2000 words. No, I’m not missing a zero, lmao. Then, i was like, oh, it’ll be 25k. Then, maybe 75k. And then i got to 150k and was like ?????? Guess I’ll never know!! Helena and Kyros weren’t originally intended to feature so heavily; kyros was originally supposed to be evil! But i realized i wasn’t particularly interested in writing that angle for the story and thought it would be more thematically interesting to have this golden retriever dude really upending azriel’s conception of the kind of people who live in the hewn city. And i meant to keep thanatos around for longer, but it felt kind of stuck when i tried to keep him around, so he literally had to go to the chopping block, haha.

As for planning, i originally wrote about 7-8 scenes in the first, like, week of writing, and then started fitting the pieces in around them, using those pre-written scenes as kind of structural pillars to build towards. But i took so many detours along the way - like the mating ceremony originally wasn’t going to happen before i daydreamed up the “are you a sadist, lady elain?” bit, and most of the interactions with ren were written and then HEAVILY edited after i decided on the events that just happened in chapter 35 back in august. I think i usually thought ahead in the plot about 7-8 chapter ahead of where i was writing, depending on what the characters ended up doing. (The gay sex cabin chapters were only supposed to be one long-ish chapter HAHA)

How long have you been a fan of acotar> did you read tog/crescent city? Are there other fandoms you’re a part of or would like to write about next?

I read acotar in October of 2021! I started cc earlier this year and devoured them (bryce quinlar can step on me and i would thank her), and I’m slowly working my way through tog because of writing/work commitments (chaol is my sweet dumb son and i love him; manon could step on me, preferably at the same time as bryce, and i would thank them both). I’m not really part of any other fandoms at the moment, though my last one before this was teen wolf, and i have been reading dramione fics on the side when i have the time/mental bandwidth. I’ve written one cc fic (High For This), and i am planning an eventual sequel, as well as a what-if about Sam Cortland with the summary inspired by Slaughterhouse 5 - Listen: Sam Cortland has come unstuck in time.

Do you have other hobbies you engage in or is writing something you devote most of your free time to (or even do professionally)?

Writing right now is mostly what i dedicate my free time to, but i also do needlework (my page’s header is something i stitched for a friend!), i love to bake, and i am learning how to make hand bound books! I’m very glad I don’t write for a living, to be honest. I teach music as my day job, and going to school for it sucked out a lot of the joy of making music, and i don’t want that to happen to my writing too. Although, I’ve been encouraged to write some original stuff, so who knows what’ll happen!

[threecheersforinking]

FMAB Endings: Ranked

**spoilers for FMAB!**

A while back I made a ranking of all the FMAB openings, but now I’ve decided to do a ranking of the ending songs too. This one was just as difficult because Fullmetal Alchemist: Brotherhood has some really great music. If you need a refresher on what the endings are like, I included a link for each of them. Let’s go!

#5: Ending 3, “Tsunaida Te” by Lil’B

I don’t dislike this ending by any means, but one of them has to be last. I do like the focus on Winry and her time in Rush Valley, but the song doesn’t stand out too much to me and I don’t find it very memorable. The best part though is when they show Winry talking on the phone and you can tell just by her facial expressions that she’s talking to Ed :)

#4: Ending 2: “Let it Out” by Miho Fukuhara

This ending signals the start of things getting more serious in FMAB, hence the more emotional song and the stoic expressions of the characters. This ending, like ending 3, starts off focused on Winry, but includes shots of some of the other female characters as well. Overall it’s a perfectly good ending but doesn’t stick out too much to me, I think the reason why this one won over ending 3 is because I prefer the song.

#3: Ending 4: “Shunkan Sentimental” by Scandal

This one probably is my favorite song out of the EDs (maybe excluding my top pick). As much as I enjoy it, the animation for this one is kind of unusual because it really seems more like an opening than an ending.  Like, it’s a more upbeat song, there’s a lot of flashing scenes and buildup, etc. Despite this, it does feel like the penultimate ending animation, like things are gearing up to be more intense as they approach the final arc.

#2: Ending 1: “Uso” by Sid

This one has such a nostalgic energy to it, the little animation is so adorable, and it’s a great start to the series. This is probably the ED most people think of when they think of FMAB. It’s very simple and pleasant, which is a reflection of how the show isn’t as violent or upsetting at this point in the story. This one in particular brings back strong memories of the first time I watched the show, so that may be why I like it so much.

#1: Ending 5: “Ray of Light” by Shoko Nakagawa

I have to admit I am a little biased since I am a Hohenheim stan, but this one is undeniably my favorite. I have teared up while watching it on more than one occasion, especially in the final episodes after we learn everything about Hohenheim and extra especially after his death scene. Those sad moments are such a contrast to his peaceful smile in this ending. I think it’s only fitting that the final ending of the series focuses on Hohenheim, since he is basically the hidden protagonist of the show.

I hope you enjoyed my ranking list as well as looking back fondly on all the great FMAB endings! Feel free to share your thoughts/your own ranking below, I have a feeling some people would disagree so I’m curious as to which your favorites are.

Thanks for reading,

-threecheersforinking