#I haven’t been able to afford going to the dentist for over a year and a half

[samwisefamgee]

my tooth hurts so bad I can’t sleep

[iminthetunnels]

are u familiar w oil pulling? being pregnant messed up my teeth health and i’m trying everytbing to make sure i don’t end up in a really bad situation by having to get teeth extracted or something but i also can’t afford the dentist im so stressed abt it

i have been oil pulling for years now. bc my dental health is hskkclskckslc. my entire family has bad dental health. but great dental hygiene, i would watch my grandmother clean her own teeth and get them professionally done. i saved my teeth and i was working on my dental health before i got pregnant. then i got pregnant, my ex husband knocked a tooth out of my mouth by slamming my head into a car window, lost my porcelain implant and haven’t been able to afford a new one. it’s $4k <|3 so i oil pull, floss with teflon free floss, rinse with a grapefruit, neem, and coQ10 mouthwash, i swish with silver like once or twice a week. and i rub neem all over my teeth. i recommend oil pulling 100%. i also had pregnancy gingivitis, which is super common!!! most women don’t even know their suffering from it. i only knew, bc i had to get remainder of my implant removed </3

i’m sorry ur going thru dental problems. it’s sucks. dental care shouldn’t be a luxury, but a necessity. it should be better accessible and affordable. i’m so sorry

[traumasurvivorshelpingsurvivors]

Submission

Hi mods, I’m in need of advice. TW for mentioning trauma and anxiety (not in detail), developing a chronic health issue, and super brief mentions of meds and pandemic. I went through a really bad traumatic event that made my anxiety get way worse. I was always someone who could be on the anxious side but my anxiety would come and go, it was never persistent and it would never debilitate me for more than 1 or 2 days, I used to get over things pretty quickly and was generally very optimistic and able to put things behind me. It’s wild thinking about how happier I was back then compared to now, but, that’s not where I’m going with this. The same year as my trauma, I started waking up with severe headaches every day. The doctors told me this was because of TMJD (Temporomandibular joint disorder). I clench my jaw in my sleep, grind my teeth, and sometimes bite the inside of my cheeks. The side of my head and back of my neck is always in pain. And a lot of times, I haven’t had success with remedies. For example, I’ve tried to sleep on my back instead, but I turn over a lot in my sleep and naturally feel inclined to sleep on my side. I had the dentist custom make a bite guard for my mouth, I used to wear it but I stopped and now I feel like using it again will make it hard for me to sleep because it’s not comfortable and nowadays it’s harder for me to sleep in general so I think it might make my sleep issues worse. The problem did go away temporarily at one point (I can’t really think of what changed, because it was still after my trauma, but maybe it was because it was before the pandemic and I had positive things to focus on, I really don’t know…). But anyway, it came back around two years ago and has been really persistent since then. Even then, at the beginning of its return, it wasn’t too bad (waking up with pain a couple of times a week) vs. now (waking up with pain every day). It got to the point where I would sometimes have to miss class because of it… luckily I switched to a program that used asynchronous learning and that allowed me to complete my degree at my own pace. But now I have a huge fear of what I’m going to do whenever I find a job, especially because my dream job is to be a teacher which I know would mean waking up early and not being able to afford coming in at a later time even if I am in pain. I feel like a failure because it’s not like I got this pain from an outside force… it’s coming from me, from my own anxiety and stress. The doctors have ruled out other possible causes. Plus, deep down, I just know it’s my anxiety as a gut feeling. I definitely notice patterns in my pain (for example, it’s always when I wake up - sometimes if I nap during the daytime, I’ll wake up with the pain, always on the side I woke up on, so I know it’s from sleeping). And it is a lot worse the more stressed I am. I can’t enjoy certain foods anymore. My jaw always feels dislodged, idk if that’s the right term but it cracks and feels out of place. I even have problems with hearing sometimes and the jaw pain travels down my neck and upper back. I haven’t found any solutions for this, because doctors pretty much just tell me to not be stressed and that when my stress goes away, my pain will go away. But I feel stuck in a nightmare. Also like I said since this is coming from my mind, I feel bad treating it, even though I would treat something like, a sickness or a broken bone, but this doesn’t feel worthy of treatment and I blame myself for having a broken mind that has such out of control anxiety after my trauma. I know some over the counter meds can help, and I do take them sometimes, but I feel so guilty when I do, even though I’m not misusing them or anything, but again it’s just that guilty feeling of “If you didn’t have anxiety you wouldn’t have given yourself this issue to begin with.” Sometimes I tell myself I should try to use the bite guard again but like I mentioned I’m worried it’ll disrupt my sleep, which has been very bad lately. And just in general, I feel like no one around me gets this or understands (my family members basically just tell me “Okay then don’t be stressed and it will go away” when I tell them about the pain, too). I’m hoping someone can give me some advice or just reassurance because I’m feeling awful right now both physically and mentally and have no one else to express myself to. Also I know there are long term solutions like finding a trauma therapist etc. but at the moment I feel like I need ideas for things I would be able to do on my own to relieve this. Thank you. -

Hi there,

I’m so sorry you’re dealing with so much. I know it’s not easy.

Try not to blame yourself for your physical issues. Mental illness and trauma are not just mental problems. Physical symptoms are a part of many, many mental illnesses. The physical symptoms of trauma are valid and just as real as any physical symptoms. 

I think you should tell a doctor that you are not able to decrease the stress in your life to an extent that it fixes your physical issues. You need and deserve treatment and not dismissal. Demand that your doctors make notes and come to you with options for treatment that aren’t just “decrease stress.”

This submission has been in our inbox a while, so we’re opening it up to followers’ input.

[teawiththegods]

Hey Jessie, is it okay to vent about physical health stuff? If not, feel free to ignore this I’ll totally understand. I think I’m burnt out from work, or just from. Life. I’m constantly tired, feeling out of it, and barely do any work. I also had sinusitis last month (which I’ve never had before), and it feels like I’m still congested in my chest. I told my doctor yesterday and it was noted, but they didn’t say anything further so idk if that’s normal?? I finally have good health insurance (coverage has fluctuated with jobs over the years) and be terrified to use it bc it’s been years since I’ve been able to see a doctor or a dentist. I know I need extensive dental work but the thought is so daunting and terrifying. Idk what to do about all this medical anxiety I have. I know it needs to be done, and their job is to help, but I’m scared of what they’d find?? I haven’t been able to afford going to the dentist since I was under my parents insurance which was like a decade ago already. It’s embarrassing.

Hello, love!

I understand this so much! Especially the dental part. I don't talk much about it but I had really bad teeth for awhile thanks to a mix of neglect from my parents and then myself, lots of anxiety, and issues with insurance. The journey of fixing my teeth (and yes it was a journey because there was a lot of work to do) only began by force when I developed a nasty infection and needed some teeth pulled. It sucked and yes it was also very embarrassing but my goodness was it so worth it when all the work was done.

My advice to you is to take it all one step at a time instead of thinking of it as this giant scary task. With the dentist start with finding one who accepts your insurance and looks good. Then move on to scheduling an appointment. Then you go to the appointment and take it from there depending on what they say you need. This also helps stop the "what ifs" I know anxiety likes to throw out there. When my anxiety goes "But what if blah blah blah??" I remind myself that I am not a doctor and thats why i made an appointment with a doctor so they can help figure out whats wrong and what the best treatment is. I tell myself I did my part until its time for the appointment where all i have to do is get myself there and see what the doctor says. Its really a lot about having reassuring conversations with yourself, at least for me.

Also! Another thing I do for my own medical anxiety is rewarding myself when I get my butt to an appointment. The reward can be whatever works for you and doesn't always have to be something you purchase. It can be snuggling on the couch watching your favorite movie or taking a nice bath. I used to get myself my favorite drink from starbucks or my favorite salad from Panera because I passed both of those on my way from my dentist. I actually suggest you reward yourself for each step you take. Finding a dentist, calling them up, and going to the appointments. Each one deserves a reward because they may seem small but they are big steps!

I wish you all the best, love! And i hope something here helps you in same way. I'm here though if you need support! As i said I completely understand what you're going through right now. <3

[allthefilmsiveseenforfree]

Dangerous Minds

Those of my readers who haven’t known me long may not know that I was once a corps member of Teach for America. I taught 10th and 11th grade English for about 5 weeks, then I was told on a Friday about my “involuntary transfer” to another school in the district, where I’d be teaching 7th and 8th grade English instead. I went from having about 110 students to about 190. My classroom had no books (textbook or otherwise), no pencils, no paper, no markers or chalk, but it DID have one of those folding lamps that come out of the ceiling at the dentist’s office. The kids had been in there for 5 weeks with a rotating roster of subs; they’d done no schoolwork of any kind. I was teaching in a very poor area of the city, and my students were predominantly Black and Hispanic. One of my 10th graders wrote his first personal essay about getting shot the previous year. I say all this to tell you that when Chad asked that I review Dangerous Minds, the 1995 adaptation starring Michelle Pfeiffer of the true story of Louanne Johnson’s experience teaching in inner city schools in California, I was prepared to laugh it off as a cringey, Lifetime-movie representation of my experience. Is that what I got? Well...

For the most part, what I got was a ball of anxiety in my chest. It’s well-worn territory, obviously. A teacher bonds with their students from the wrong side of the tracks, and ends up learning just as much from them as they learn from him/her. Usually poetry or music features heavily as a tool that can set the students free from the depressing circumstances of their lives. Depending on the rating, usually a student dies, and the teacher learns just how Important their job is, so they commit to it even harder even though it pays no money and garners no respect from the administration who just doesn’t “get it.” But these cliches and stereotypes and broad strokes exist because at their core, they’re true, and they make me anxious and uncomfortable and I can’t laugh at them or Michelle Pfeiffer being a Nice White Lady because I’m too busy being angry about the systems we put in place that straight up abandon so many kids, all in the name of white supremacy.

Some thoughts:

Oh we’re starting right off the BAT with “Gangsta’s Paradise.” Fantastic news. Two things I associate so strongly with this song is skating around the skating rink in 2nd grade and buying the Weird Al cassingle of “Amish Paradise” and wearing it out. 

Ooh, the score was composed and performed by Wendy & Lisa! Love that, you don’t see nearly as many film scores as you should composed by women.

God, the salary is $24,700 a year and Louanne acts as though that is appealing - I can’t tell if that’s because it was 1995 or because teacher salaries are so dismally low that this feels like a good salary?

This scene in which Louanne goes into her classroom for the first time and the kids are all shouting at her and getting in her face and sexually harassing her and throwing paper balls at her is giving me stress hives. 

Also her friend Griffith (George Dzundza) saying, “You wanna teach, so teach! All you gotta do is get their attention” is rather disingenuous. Trust me, you can have their attention, and still not be able to teach. 

I’m excited to see Sally-Can’t-Dance from Con Air as Raul (Renoly Santiago). He’s honestly fantastic in this, with a tough exterior but a sensitive and gooey inner sweet boy. All of the teens give pretty solid performances, but he’s a real standout.

I recognize this is based on a true story and Louanne Johnson’s lived experience, but I am not sure it’s wise for any teacher, regardless of grade or subject, to be teaching her students how to fight each other. Or taking them to dinner on what looks to outsiders like a date. I know some people have a problem with the bribery (giving her students candy for speaking up in class) but I have no problem with it - you get paid to do all the dumb stuff you don’t want to do at work, why shouldn’t kids be compensated for going to school if they don’t want to be there? External motivation goes a long way to building up internal motivation.

Mm I do love me some Courtney B. Vance, but he’s such a quiet, condescending ass in this. It’s a different vibe than I’m used to seeing in a principal in a movie like this. 

Ooh, Griffith grading papers and saying “What a fuckin’ idiot” is a real mood. 

“Since when has the Board of Education done anything for us? We barely get fuckin lunch” is legit. The lunches my students were served in summer school were some of the most horrifying things I’ve ever seen. One day it was spoiled milk, white bread, and pickles. And one of my students put his in a microwave that was hidden in the back of my classroom behind some dividers and left it for a week. And just so you know, as stomach-churningly awful as that sounds, the day I found “pickle man” as my student called him, isn’t even in my top 5 worst days teaching list. 

I like Griffith, and I’m glad Louanne has a friend, but frankly I’m not that interested in these interludes between them - they really feel like they slow down the momentum from the scenes of her in the classroom slowly earning the kids’ trust. The pacing is kind of a mess, because the most dynamic sections all revolve around the kids in the classroom, and I feel like that only makes up about a third of the movie. 

One thing I know for sure is you do not get in the middle of a fight between students. I have a friend who worked in the same district I did who interrupted a fight and got punched in the face because of it. And her principal blamed her. 

Oh wow the way the soundtrack picks up when Emilio finally engages in the class is some kinda cheesy. And it continues through the rest of the scene to a distracting degree. Oh Wendy and Lisa, I hoped for better. 

Can I just emphasize that to reach these kids, Louanne uses her experience as a LITERAL MARINE by demonstrating she can kick all their asses, and then she bribes them by paying for 25 kids to go to an amusement park for the entire day with her?

Also, even if they like and respect her now, I call bullshit at any scene in which ALL of  the kids are A) sitting in their seats or B) silent, and especially C) both. 

Um suddenly feeling some weird vibes with Louanne and Raul having a dinner date at this fancy restaurant by themselves. Also, the double standard here is pretty telling - there’s no way this scene makes the movie if Louanne had been a male teacher and Raul was a female student.

Wait wait wait, she’s also loaning Raul $200? Like, is this why I didn’t make it as a teacher? Because I wasn’t a former Marine taking students to amusement parks and fancy dinners and lending them money? I was 25 and could barely afford rent. Maybe teachers who have enough money to take care of themselves are better equipped to take care of others. Idk, I’m just spitballin here.

Oh “Gangsta’s Paradise” is happening again! We already heard the whole song over the opening credits but now it’s happening again about 3/4 way through. I mean this song is definitely the best thing about the film, so I get it, but it feels weird that they think we wouldn’t notice it playing to completion twice.

Michelle Pfeiffer is doing everything she can to make this movie feel less cheesy and more real. Like, you can tell she’s really trying with her performance. Of course, it’s not like the character is a huge challenge acting-wise, but she is definitely committed to the part and can walk the line of both accessible and tough. 

This scene where Louanne tells her class she is not going to be there next year, that what happened to Durell and Lionel and Callie and Emilio made her too sad to stay has not aged well at all. And it’s certainly true to life, and I say that as someone who did the same thing. It’s not something I’m proud of, but it’s a reality - the fact that I’m a nice white lady is exactly the reason that I can choose to leave when things get too hard. Just because the kids convince her to stay at the end in this very rushed “all’s well that ends well” way doesn’t sweep this scene under the rug, and it shouldn’t. 

Ope, “Gangsta’s Paradise” shows up one last time in the credits for good measure. 

Side note: after the film, I researched Louanne, and she’s still teaching, which honestly made me emotional (in a good way). And I’d like to point out the racist ass bullshit the studio and screenwriter Ronald Bass pulled by changing the poems the students read to Bob Dylan lyrics when Louanne originally used rap lyrics from popular artists in ‘89-’90 to teach the kids about poetry. 

Did I Cry? No, but I did get heartburn from anxiety flashbacks.

This genre of film is easy to mock and parody because it tells the same story and hits the same beats to the point that they’ve become cliche. Ultimately, the truth at the heart of the movie (which is the un-nuanced and candy-coated depiction of Johnson’s real memoir, My Posse Don’t Do Homework) is that high schoolers crave someone who will see them and validate them, someone who is willing to put in the effort. The quality of the package that truth is wrapped in varies, and this one certainly leans in hard on stereotypes that feel like cheat codes rather than any real illuminating depictions of living teenagers. But as cringey as it is to watch, maybe it’s not a bad thing to remember that all people - including those who are trapped in poverty and all the cruel injustices that entails - want to be seen and valued for who they really are. 

If you liked this review, please consider reblogging or subscribing to my Patreon! For as low as $1, you can access bonus content and movie reviews, or even request that I review any movie of your choice.

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #308

“you don’t need treats, and you don’t need tricks, and you don’t need me.”

Middle name? Marie. Or Marie Catherine, if we're technical, but as someone who loooong left Catholicism and never even agreed with many aspects of it in the first place, I don't like to include it. If you're confused, there's a ceremony called Confirmation, and while I honestly don't even remember the details of it, you adopt the name of a saint you want to stand for, kinda. I chose Catherine just because I liked the name outta my other options. Democrat/republican/other? I classify myself as Independent because I really don't relate well enough to either, but I do know I'm becoming more and more liberal with time. Do you dress according to your mood? My mood? No. I dress with what I feel like wearing at that time, but my actual mood has nothing to do with it. Are you good at doing hair/make up? No. Are you always worried or stressed about something? 24/7, my friend. Can you swim? Yeah. Are you afraid of needles? I don't like them, but I'm not afraid of them. How many kids do you want? Zero. Long/short nails? I keep mine short. Do you like wearing hats? No. Does mall Santa Clauses or Easter bunnies freak you out? Nah, I loved seeing Santa as a kid. :') Would you consider yourself clumsy? I am RIDICULOUSLY clumsy. Do you like when a guy picks you up in his arms? In concept, but I ain't easy to pick up anymore lmao. Do you like hairless cats? I do!! Females, anyway, for... obvious reasons lol. Not having fur makes some things waaay too ~obvious~ otherwise. I would love a sphynx. Do you like the color yellow? No; it's actually one of my most disliked colors. Have you ever seen a cat have a hairball? Yeah. Have you ever had a tooth pulled? Not by a dentist, no, just by myself as a kid when I was losing my baby teeth. When someone says don’t look do you look? It depends on why they're telling me to not look. Have you ever played spin the bottle? No. If you had to name three important details about you, what would you say? I'm a very emotional person, I need a lot of "me" time, and to be aware of my social anxiety so not every interaction I have is perceived as just a dumpster fire. What are your three biggest insecurities? My creativity, my goddamn body, and my lack of social skills. If you could write anonymous letters to three people, who would you send it to and what would you say? Ummm. I can only think of people I miss and don't WANT to be anonymous... Favorite photo of yourself? A senior prom picture I don't have anymore. I looked so, so happy and fuck my low self-esteem, gorgeous. Who are you disappointed with right now? I'm like, permanently disappointed in myself lol. Would you date an 18-year-old at the age you are now? No. My minimum is 21. What question do you hate to answer? "Are you a virgin?" because it's just a confusing answer. It doesn't sound like one at all, but trust me on this. The subject of sex just makes me uncomfortable anyway, so even if I was confident in the answer, I wouldn't want to talk about it. What’s your most listened to song? I don't have a way of actually finding that out, but I'd say I've been listening to "ULTRAnumb" by Blue Stahli quite a lot lately. If you were a performing artist, what would you title your first album? I mean, I don't know. It would depend on what was going on in my life and head at the time. If someone told you you could give one person a present and your budget was unlimited–what present would you get and for whom? A nice car for Mom. She's had the same shitty car for yeeeeeaaaaarrrrrssssss now because she just can't afford a new one; hell, this one was free. A dance friend hit a deer, so the front of the car is messed up, and she bought a new one, but because the car itself was still functional, she gave it to my mom. Mom is so loved at the studio. The car just has various issues by this point, like trouble starting, accelerating, it's bumpy, etc., so it's way past time for a new one. Do you like licorice? NOOOOOOOOOO that's a big 'ole "ew." Have you ever visited your country’s capital city? No, but I've seen it from a distance when riding up to NY. When was the last time you were outdoors for over an hour? WOW. I couldn't even try to guess. What is the shortest amount of time you’ve lived somewhere? The house I was born into. I actually don't know how long Mom and Dad lived there, but I was only in that house as a very little baby. I have zero memories of it. What’s your favorite kind of mint? (Peppermint/wintergreen/spearmint/etc.) ... There's a difference? lol I guess peppermint? What was the last thing to frustrate you? I wanted to draw yesterday, but I didn't know what to draw to even get started. Have you ever been to a bachelor or bachelorette party? No. Did any of your family members serve in WWII? I don't believe so? Well... maybe my grampa did? I don't remember. What’s your favorite kind of salad? Gimme an Olive Garden salad and I will deadass eat the whole bowl. Are you more realistic or idealistic? I'd say I'm more realistic with most things. Are you currently borrowing something from someone? No. Is anyone currently borrowing anything from you? No. What is your last name’s heritage/country of origin? Ireland. When did you last buy a new pair of shoes? What kind? I got new flipflops a year or so back because my old Rainbows were so worn out and blackened my feet. Have you ever experienced culture shock while traveling? If so, where? No. Are you able to see the stars at night where you live? I actually haven't checked since moving here. We're in the suburbs though, so it's questionable. Do you include your middle initial in your signature? Not unless it's required, usually. I think. When's the last time I physically signed anything, anyway? What brand of computer do you have? It's an Acer Nitro. What operating system does that computer run? Windows 10. What’s the oldest piece of clothing that you still own and wear? I don't really know, given how much my weight has fluctuated. Went drastically up, went down, now it's back up. .-. I still own a handful of shirts I want to "shrink back into" from late HS and early college times, but yeah, I don't know if I'll actually achieve that. Is the area in which you live flat, hilly, or mountainous? Flat as my ass. What is your significant other or best friend’s ring tone? No one on my phone has a "special" ringtone. Where do you keep your hair brush? There's a comb I use in a drawer in the bathroom. Which pair of shoes have you owned the longest? Multiple pairs of Converse, also from high school. When’s the last time you were sick at the same time as someone else? I'm very happy to say I don't even recall the last time I was sick. My immune system is the fuckin GOAT. What did you have for breakfast this morning? A pb&j. We've got very little rn, but thankfully Mom's picking up our Wal-Mart order today. Last time you were in pain? If I'm standing, you can bet my legs hurt, so. What color is your mom’s hair? It's growing back totally gray now. Is that also your hair color? Well, no, I'm only 25. Do you watch any daily vloggers on YouTube? Who? No. I watch people who vlog occasionally, but not regularly. It's gotta be people I'm very into to really be interested in vlogs. What room of your house do you usually do your surveys in? Sigh, I'm always in my bedroom. Really hoping Mom and I muster up the motivation to clean up the extra room soon to turn it into my "dayroom" or "office," if you will. What do you put on your tacos? I hate tacos. What is your favorite stuffed animal and where did you get it? I have a bittersweet connection to the adorable plush meerkat Jason gave me for Valentine's our first year together; I always slept with it when we were together by apart, and for a year or so after the breakup. It was a source of comfort for me, so I'm really fond of it. Fella's fur is so worn out and matted down with age and lots of love. He's on my dresser now, towards the front of all my plushies. Last thing you hung up on your wall? My Illidan poster, I believe. Do you have a full length mirror? Yeah, on the back of my door. Is it currently raining? No, finally. It's been raining for like a fuckin week, it seems like. It's finally a clear day. It's nice to hear birds outside. Does anyone you live with talk in their sleep? Does this happen often? I'M the one doing the talking/screaming in my sleep. Thanks, nightmares. When was the last time you cried, or felt tearful? I'm not positive, but I know I had a pretty rough PTSD night not too long ago where I teared up. Did you wake up with a song stuck in your head today? What was it? Ohhh yes; I've been listening to Mother Mother's "Ghosting" on repeat because it's jammed up there. When was the last time you used moisturiser or lotion of some kind? Not too long ago on my hands. They get dry this time of year, and besides, I wash my hands a lot nowadays especially. What was the last thing you owned, that was accidentally broken or damaged? Were you able to get it fixed? My laptop, and yes. Tell me about the last dream you recall having. Was it weird, amusing, etc. So this is pretty wild. I know I had a nightmare last night, but I don't remember it; the night before, however, I had a nightmare about a possibly rabid and ginormous rat (I mean like, smaller dog sized) in the house and trying to bite me. It was SUPER weird, because I was actually afraid of it, yet I absolutely adore rats in real life. What was the last video you watched on YouTube? I've really gotten into John Wolfe (a let's player) lately, and I'm going through his The Evil Within playthrough. Do your parents use any social media at all? My mom has a Facebook, and hilariously, Dad has a Snapchat to talk with my sister Nicole. He has no clue what he's doing with it and it's adorable, haha. Mom also has a Twitter, but she doesn't use it. Is there anyone in your life who regularly asks how your day has been? Regularly, no. I've always been that person, especially in the WoW guild I'm in. I'm very close and comfortable with them and ask how everyone's doing any time I log on. Lovely people who give me some social interaction every day. Tell me something positive about the day you've had. It's still early, but once again, it's pretty and bright outside. Why do you prefer Facebook over MySpace, because I know you do? Ha, you'd be incorrect. MySpace was more personal, so I actually preferred it. But it's obviously long-dead, so I just settle with Facebook. Have you read the Pretty Little Liars series? No. My sister looooves it, though. What product do you use to moisturize your lips? I don't remember, actually... It's in my purse somewhere. When did you start using Xanga? I never have. Be honest, do you judge people on their appearance? Judge, I don't think so. I can make assumptions like everyone else, but I'm not gonna think someone is beneath me just by their attire. Do you know anyone who does not like The Beatles? Me. At least, most songs. "Hey Jude" is good, but everyone agrees with that, haha. Did you have a friend in middle school that you’re now enemies with in high school? I'm long since out of HS. I had a middle school friend who I disconnected with following a fight in high school, but we weren't "enemies," and we reunited our senior year anyway. Aaaaand we're not friends anymore once again lmao. What is one thing you hope your children don’t inherit from you? If I hypothetically wanted kids, God knows I'd hope they wouldn't have my psychological issues. Do you think you’ll be married in 10 years? It'd be nice, anyway. What type of foundation do you wear? None. Who’s the most controlling person you know? Someone I'm no longer friends with, partially because of this. Do males look good in skinny jeans? Yep. Are you for or against guyliner? Ugggghhhhh guyliner makes me weak in the knees. How many jobs have you had? Where do you currently work? Three; nowhere. Who did you last hit? Um, nobody??? What way of self-care do you enjoy the most and what feels more like an obligation? I enjoy my alone time on the computer as the best self-care, especially after being social all day; I don't, however, enjoy the act of performing hygiene care. I still do it, it's just not fun. The feeling afterwards is great, though. Have you ever tried specific diet plans or fads? What made you do it and how did it turn out for you? I was briefly using NutriSystem, which didn't work for me. I hated too much of the food. More recently I stuck with flexible dieting and calorie counting for a while, but I drifted from it when I still lost no fucking weight in like a month. I want to get back to it, though... oh, and intermittent fasting. I don't think it really worked for me yet again, even though I did it correctly, but that and the aforementioned flexible dieting is all I feel like I can handle. I guess I just have to give it longer. Do you know anyone who has been directly affected by COVID-19 e.g. testing positive, losing a loved one, or their job due to the pandemic? Too many people I know have had it or had someone they loved die because of it. Take this shit seriously. Is there a kind of music you only prefer listening to during specific type of activities that you otherwise wouldn’t enjoy under normal circumstances (e.g. EDM while doing sports or instrumental music while studying, etc.)? No; I have to actually enjoy the music. If you had to start a YouTube channel and motivations/skills/resources/any other inhibiting factors weren’t an issue, what would it be about? Either animal (preferrably reptiles) education or let's plays, ig. Has anything ever happened to you that if you told someone about, they would think you’re making it up? I don't believe so. What travel destination or popular spot have you been to that you found overrated? What about a lesser known place that you thought was a hidden gem? I really don't know; I haven't traveled nearly enough for this.

[faeratil]

Adulting sucks.

I took for granted while growing up being able to go to the doctor or the dentist whenever I needed it. For most of my childhood and teenage years, I took so much advantage of being able to just pop over to the doctors office if something felt slightly off.

I realized it was more expensive than I thought when my second sister went in to get her wisdom teeth pulled and I overheard my mom in the office with the clerk in charge of payments. My oldest sister had gotten her wisdom teeth out two years prior and my parents were still paying off the operation. My mom was in tears trying to figure out how to even make the appointment payment on top of increasing the bills for getting my second sister’s teeth pulled.

So when it came my turn two years later, I told my mom I was fine and that I’d get them pulled if they started bothering me. I went all of high school without getting them pulled.

And then I got thrown into the real world and learned about healthcare plans and deductibles and exactly how expensive it is to get all four teeth pulled even with insurance.

Eight years ago, my mom asked me if I was ready to get my teeth out. And now I’m sitting in my bathroom sucking on a piece of ice trying to numb the very back of my jaw where my wisdom teeth are breaking through my gums and squishing the rest of my teeth together. And I’m popping painkillers to try and ignore it.

Because it’s so fucking expensive. And even with insurance, I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to afford it unless I go back to college and finish my degree and get a better paying job that I hate more than this one.

Last night when healthcare got brought up in the debate, I turned to my bf and cried because I know I could greatly benefit from universal healthcare.

I could get my wisdom teeth pulled so they would stop damaging my jaw.

I could have surgery on my shoulder so they could finally remove the piece of bone stuck between the ball and socket joint that stops my range of motion.

I could meet with a rheumatologist and have accurate tests done so I could treat my arthritis correctly and not with ibuprofen and Tylenol when it’s bad enough that I can barely walk.

I could get an updated prescription on my glasses and get new frames because I haven’t updated either in 6 years.

I could refill my prescription on my asthma medication that I haven’t been able to afford since I moved in with my now ex husband.

I would be able to actually take care of myself instead of just patching myself together with bandaids and painkillers and affirmations of “it could be worse”.

Just... fuck being an adult. And fuck anyone who thinks that universal healthcare is a bad idea.

[benefactor-1]

Please Read, I need a little help

I’m an 18 year old struggling Pansexual and I’ve not been able to get to the dentist because i can’t afford the insurance. But my teeth are getting terrible and chipping. I do clean my teeth, but I haven’t been to the dentist in quite a few years. In about a year or two, I’m probably going to have to get my wisdom teeth out. But right now I’m worried about my two extremely chipped teeth and the cavities in my molars. 

I can do commissions, below are my prices (USD) -

My paypal is https://paypal.me/gremmel0

My Ko-fi is https://ko-fi.com/gremmel

If you donate any amount to either, I’ll make a small doodle to try and compensate. I’m trying to raise a little over 500 hoping that should be enough to at least cover the fillings. I don’t like asking for money but I need the help. I lost my job and I can’t find a new one. No one will contact me back. 

Please share this if you can. It’s much appreciated.

[keldae]

If it's not one thing with this meat suit, it's another, I stg...

Last summer, I broke a tooth. I got it fixed, but it was pricey.

Today, the filling in that tooth broke again while I was at work, and I'm silently screeching in frustration over here. I'm already scrambling on paying for life essentials (and Christmas gifts) after having to lose a few shifts of work last month -- this is a problem I really can't afford to have. It's not hurting yet, but I would like to fix it before it becomes a big problem.

The dentist office next to my work is already closed for the day (go figure), so I haven't been able to get an estimate from them as to how much it would cost to fix my tooth (again). The place I went to last time charged me $350 for a fix, so I'm estimating something close to that. My benefits are supposed to cover 90%, but for some reason they didn't cover that amount the last appointment I had, so I'm not sure what actually is covered for me. I'm trying to budget for worst-case-scenario with this... which is hard considering I have about $90 CAD to my name for the next week, and still need gas and groceries. I hate adulting.

tl;dr, Jawa broke a tooth and can't afford to visit the dentist. If anyone feels so inclined to help the Jawa get her tooth fixed (again...), the KoFi jar is open! Any little bit really helps -- I can offer portrait pencil sketches of the character(s) of your choice for 2 KoFis each. Signal boosting is also really appreciated! I know it's a lousy time of year to be asking for help, considering everyone and their cat is in holiday mode, and I do apologize for that. Health things never have good timing.

Thank you, lovelies. <3

[lockdownjournal]

Day 44

Wednesday 6 May

All three of us set off to revisit the apartment we're hoping to buy.  I always write "hoping" because the lockdown is delaying the purchase, as well as the sale of our house.  It could all fall through, but we want to be prepared in case it does go ahead

We haven't been to the flat in a month and a half, just before the country ground to a halt. The estate agent, who turns out to be still working, has agreed to let us in to refresh our memories. 

We need to work out what to chuck out and what to buy.  Also, our 19-year-old daughter Carine, who was at university when we plumped for that apartment, needs to see it.  She has plenty of ideas about furnishing and decoration, but so far her window e-shopping has only been based on floor-plans and photos. 

Our outing is clearly illegal.  The lockdown allows you to leave home to shop, exercise, seek medical care, and work if you must.  It says nothing about checking colour patterns or sizing up windows.

As we drive there, I wonder what condition we would find the building in.  It's relatively new - we can only afford it because property prices have fallen significantly.  Is it getting properly cleaned and maintained?  Will it start to look unkempt? 

But no.  When we get there we see cleaners at work.  The building is gleaming.  The only strange thing is how depopulated the entire area looks.  Every day our suburban neighbourhood is teeming with walkers.  Here, closer to the city, people appear reluctant to leave their homes. 

We spot a faint sign of life in a café on the ground floor of our building, which has just reopened for takeaways. 

The apartment itself is even lighter and more spacious than we remembered.  Carine is enthusiastically working out the position of the kitchen island and where the sofa will fit.  She's also got the curtains and wardrobes sorted. She takes pictures and videos to share with friends. 

The views are lovely.  My only reservation about this visit is that until now, the place was reassuringly shrouded in abstraction.  I didn't mind the uncertainty over the whole thing.  It was a bit of a game.  Now it's real and if the move doesn't happen I'll be sorry. 

In the afternoon Carine is able to engage more knowledgeably in virtual shopping. Her zeal is dampened, though, by her wisdom teeth coming through.

I immediately think of my colleague Thomas who, because of the unavailability of dentists, is clobbering his untreated toothache with opiates. Fortunately wisdom teeth are easier to deal with than cavities.  And just as fortunately, our dentist is still taking calls. She recommends antiseptic mouthwash.

[jancys-blue-bayou]

Opals and mixtapes (Jancy fic)

This is a belated birthday gift to @iamthethumperanon​ my partner in fluffy Jancy crime. Have 6500+ words of fluff inspired by a certain s3 still showing a certain someone wearing a new necklace.

Also on Ao3 and FFNet!

”So, what do you and Nancy have planned for Valentine’s Day?” His mom raises an eyebrow at him and smiles over the breakfast table as she asks the innocuous question that sends him into a slight panic.

What do you and Nancy have planned for Valentine’s Day. What do you and Nancy have planned for Valentine’s Day. What do you and Nancy have planned for Valentine’s Day. Valentine’s Day. Shit. What day is it today? The 7th. So it’s in one week. Shit. He didn’t even realize.

”Oh no…” his mom continues as she sees the look on his face. His panic must be etched across it.

”You forgot it?” Will asks from his seat.

”I didn’t forget it! I just… never thought of it…”

”That is forgetting it,” Will points out.

That’s true. It’s just… he’s never had to think about it before. In kindergarten he, like the other kids in the class, made a card for his mother to give her on February 14th. But as he’s gotten older he’s not payed Valentine’s Day any mind, he’s never had cause too. It’s just been a dumb commercial holiday. The only effect it’s had on his life is that it’s been one day of the year where the high school halls has been a veritable gauntlet of loveydovey teens exchanging gifts like the world and their relationship depended on it.

Now he is one of those teens, he realizes (perhaps too late). Honestly he still thinks it’s a dumb commercial holiday. But he has no idea what Nancy thinks of it. Maybe she rolls her eyes at it. Or maybe she expects… something, from him. He does not know what. Oh god. He has no clue about this sort of stuff. Really has no clue about how to be… a boyfriend. Even if Nancy told him he’s doing great when he voiced that sentiment before. But of course she says that, she is so kind and nice and sweet. He loves her, so much more than he can really wrap his head around even. She loves him too, she told him. Tells him, every day.

If she expects something of him for this day… he wants to give it to her, whatever it will be. Who cares if it’s just a dumb commercial holiday, it can still be about them and… be romantic.

”I have to get her something,” he says, making his mind up.

”Yes you do,” his mom agrees.

”Do you know what you’ll get her?” Will asks.

”No…” he answers, dejected, before getting up to put his dishes in the sink.

He does not know. What can he possibly get her that she’ll like… no not just like, love? That she couldn’t get for herself? That she hasn’t already received in gifts… shit, she was with Steve last Valentine’s Day… Steve is loaded with cash, he wonders what he got her, could’ve gotten her anything… he can… not. Shit. For Christmas, which he was deathly nervous about, he went for very personal gifts. Got her gun ammunition and a photo of Barb he’d taken in the beginning of the previous school year for the yearbook (from which he scrapped it of course) and held onto because he didn’t know how she’d take seeing a photo of Barb before, but with Nancy getting some closure in getting justice for Barb he took a chance on that it would be appreciated now, which it was. But that was then, and he can’t well get her anything like that now… not that Christmas screams ”revolver ammo!” but somehow he feels Valentine’s Day says it even less.

”Don’t worry honey, we’ll think of something. I’ll help you look!” His mom clasps her hands together and looks at him excited and with hope in her eyes like she believes he actually won’t screw this up.

”Thanks… ready bud?” He answers and looks at his little brother who nods and gets up so they can drive to school, stopping for Nancy (and Mike) on the way.

XXX

A knock on the door makes Will put down his crayon and get up from his desk. Mike’s sick, Eleven’s with Hopper, Lucas and Max are doing something that apparently is just for the two of them, and Dustin is weirdly enough still hanging after Steve for some reason, so he’s a bit at a loss on who’s come over but still he’s in a hurry to open, it got a bit lonely with his friends all preoccupied and Jonathan and mom out looking for a Valentine’s gift for Nancy. He would’ve came with them if he had known none of his friends could hang out, though having time to draw is nice too.

”Hey Will!”

”Hi Nancy!” He looks at his brother’s girlfriend, surprised. She beams at him. ”Jonathan isn’t here he-” he goes to explain, trying to think of a good lie to tell concerning his brother’s whereabouts.

”Covering a shift I know, he told me,” Nancy cuts in.

Oh, good that Jonathan had already covered that. And lucky for him Nancy cut him off, he was going to go with ”has a dentist appointment”. Which he now realizes would’ve been stupid, since it’s Saturday. He’s not good with lies.

”I lucked out he did actually… I needed him to be out for this…” Nancy continues.

”For what?” He asks.

”For me to be able to make my Valentine’s Day gift for him! Can I come in?”

”Oh, of course,” he hurries to step aside and let Nancy in while processing her words. ”Make your Valentine’s Day gift to him? Here?” He wonders.

”Yes! I’ve been stressed out, wracking my brain on what to get him, he’s really hard to shop for you know, and this week I got an idea but then didn’t know how I could execute it, until now. Look at this!”

Nancy has taken her coat off and opens a backpack she had slung over her shoulder earlier and shows him its contents. There’s a couple of records in there and a whole heap of mixtapes.

”What are those?”

”All the mixtapes he’s made me.”

Wow. Jonathan’s made him a lot of mixtapes through the years, but he seems to have made double the amount for Nancy just in a few months (at least he assumes he didn’t make her mixtapes before November when the Gate closed and his brother got a girlfriend). Not that he’s jealous, he’s just happy his brother has Nancy now. He’s never seen his brother happier than he’s been these last few months.

”Music means so much to him and I love how he always shares it with me, what he likes, what’s important to him and close to him so I thought… I should make him one! With songs that makes me think of him. What do you think?” Nancy explains her idea to him.

”That’s a really good idea,” he nods.

”Right? I think it can be good… only problem is I can’t record off my stereo and my dad’s record player doesn’t have a cassette deck and it’s broken anyway, and so I’ve come to take advantage of Jonathan’s.”

”Oh, okay. Do you know how to make mixtapes?” He asks.

”Technically no, but I’ve observed him doing it. Do you?”

”I think so?”

”Cool, can you help me out? Together we should manage it right?”

”Sure!”

XXX

”But mom, jewelry is expensive…” he quietly protests as his mom steers him to the store he’s walked past many times without ever entering.

”Oh come on sweetie, I’m not saying buy her a big ol’ diamond, but there are more affordable things. I think, haven’t been in here for… well a long time. Anyway. Besides this is Hawkins, not exactly Tiffany’s on Fifth Avenue. You said you wanted to get her something pretty and nice.”

He did say that, so he follows his mom into the store. Inside there’s display cases filled with all sorts of jewelry and he feels out of place in the fancy store with impeccably clean aisles and nice furnishings. He knows this isn’t exactly his mom’s scene either, but she seems much more confident than him, maybe it’s her determination and attitude of not taking any crap no matter what people think of them. He doesn’t know where to even start, he’s a lousy shopper. He thinks, at least. It’s kind of hard to tell because it’s not like he’s had much experience shopping for stuff other than groceries, and clothes when he’s outgrown everything and definitely needs something new. Other than that it’s pretty much just the record store that he’s frequented. A lot of times just browsing without buying anything. He’s felt at home there. Not like here, he doesn’t know where to look or what to look for. A necklace? A bracelet? A ring? What do you give Nancy Wheeler?

His mom seems to have an idea though, or at least takes initiative by striding right up to the nearest display case and starting to look. He quickly follows her.

”See, not everything is super pricey just because it’s jewelry, there’s some stuff you can afford,” she says as he joins her in looking at the display showcasing a bunch of different rings that does fall within his budget. He has some money saved up and when he told his mom how much she insisted on slipping another five dollar bill into his hand which he’s planning to give her back or at least put away and use for groceries instead. He appreciates the gesture but she shouldn’t put money on this it’s for him to get Nancy a gift, his mom’s hard-earned money should go to other things.

”Yeah… I’m not sure about a ring though like doesn’t a ring seem a bit… um… well I don’t know how she’d take it…”

”Sweetie there’s more rings than just for engagements and marriage,” his mom chuckles. ”I’m not suggesting that. I definitely think you should wait until after high school before you ask her to marry you,” she continues with a smile.

”Mom…” he groans. ”We’ve only been-” he starts but she cuts him off.

”Yeah yeah I know I know you’ve only been dating for a couple of months, just like you’ve only saved each others lives and the whole world a couple of times,” she grins. ”And you only spend just about every day and night together-”

”Night?! You know about-” he cuts her off, horrified.

”Yes Jonathan, you two are not as sneaky as you think,” his mom smirks at him.

”Oh God…”

”I haven’t said anything because I really don’t mind, you know. I had been thinking about this stuff before, of what I would do when you got a girlfriend. I thought of all the rules my mother had for me when I was your age and how I hated it and how stupid it was because it wasn’t like I couldn’t just go out and see-”

”Mom…”

”Right, not important, anyway point is you are responsible and I trust you, and Nancy. So I don’t see any harm in you two spending the nights together. Like everything you can do at night you can just as well do during the day so-”

”Mom!”

”Right, right. I’m just saying, you don’t have to have Nancy sneak out in the morning or get in at 6 AM and pretend you just got up early. However much I do enjoy your performances at those occasions.”

”Okay I… Okay. Thanks. Can we please talk about something else?” He tries, desperate to change the topic of the conversation.

”Sure, so if not a ring then what do you have in mind for Nancy?

”I don’t know um… what girls want um… a necklace maybe?”

”Well, I’m sure she’d love anything from you but yes a necklace is a good idea! Let’s see…”

His mom looks up and around the store to see where they can find necklaces. Just then someone comes up from behind and gets their attention.

”Well hello there!” A cheery voice calls out.

”Oh, hello Claudia! I didn’t know you worked here,” his mom greets Dustin’s mother.

”Hello Mrs. Henderson,” he greets.

”How lovely to see you two! And yes oh it’s been awhile since we talked hasn’t it? It’s been a few months, I was laid off at the old place but my sister’s husband owns this place and had an opening,” Mrs. Henderson explains.

”Oh well that’s great, that it worked out like that,” his mom smiles and he nods.

”It really is, I’m very happy. Well, so what brings you in today? Oh, is it something for a certain someone for the special day coming up?” Mrs. Henderson is practically beaming at him as she says that last part and he blushes.

”Yes Jonathan’s in the market for a nice necklace to give to Nancy, maybe you can help?” His mom butts in.

”Oh how exciting! Oh yes follow me right this way, we have a lot of really lovely ones. Do you have an idea of what exactly?”

”Er… no I…um…” He fumbles.

”Well no worries, you can just have a look here for a start you see, I think some of these may be of interest, they’re classic and stylish you see, elegant and not so tawdry,” Mrs. Henderson continues without missing a beat and shows them a display with simple but elegant necklaces, most of them in his price range.

”Oh these are nice,” his mom coos.

”Yes they are,” he mumbles in agreement, looking over the selection, trying to find anything that could be worthy of Nancy. The cheapest ones are simple heart-shaped designs in gold and silver which feels too simple, or ordinary. The most expensive ones here have diamonds. Those look great but is way above what he can afford.

”See anything you like?” Mrs. Henderson asks.

He may have. There’s several ones of similar designs with different gems attached. His eyes have been drawn to one with a light blueish greenish, almost turquoise, gem.

”How about that one?” He asks unsure, pointing it out to his mom and Mrs. Henderson.

”Oh that’s lovely,” his mom says.

Mrs. Henderson gets it out of the display case and holds it up for them to take a closer look.

”It really is,” she chimes in. ”Is she an October birthday?”

”Huh? Yes she is how’d you- but this is for Valentine’s Day not-” He’s very confused.

”Oh I just meant, it’s an opal. It’s her birthstone then.”

”What’s a birthstone?” He asks, more confused.

”Oh,” Mrs. Henderson looks surprised for a second, like she wasn’t ready for someone to have that gap in their knowledge. ”Well for every month of the year there’s a different gemstone symbolizing that month, and it’s a person’s birthstone if they’re born then. So people often give necklaces like these as a gift to someone for that.”

”Oh. I just thought, it’d go with her eyes so…”

”Oh! Well it would, she has gorgeous eyes doesn’t she? And how lucky are you then, the birthstone is just an added bonus!”

”Right…”

”It really looks great honey. You’re right, it goes with her eyes. She’d look lovely wearing it. I’m sure she’d love it,” his mom says.

XXX

”Well I want to set the tone right away, so we’ll start with this,” she tells Will and puts on Time After Time which will be the first song on the mixtape.

”What’s this?” He asks and she realizes that having Jonathan Byers as his chief influence regarding music probably means Will doesn’t have great knowledge of pop hits. She might have to remedy that.

”Cyndi Lauper,” she tells him.

”I like it. What do you mean with setting the tone?”

”Well it makes me think of him. Us,” she explains, timely enough just before they reach the chorus.

If you're lost, you can look and you will find me

Time after time

If you fall, I will catch you, I'll be waiting

Time after time

If you're lost, you can look and you will find me

Time after time

If you fall, I will catch you, I'll be waiting

Time after time

Will nods. She explains further.

”It’s one of my favorite songs. I first heard it when- well have you heard Girls Just Want to Have Fun?”

”I think I heard it at the Snow Ball. All the girls were dancing to it.”

”Oh that’s right! That was cute. Well, that was her first single and I heard it on the radio last fall. I mean not this fall but the one before that. Um, like two months before everything happened uh… it must have been September. Me and Barb played it all the time… then the album came out in October right in time for my birthday and um, Barb got it for me. We listened to it all the time until…” she trails off. It’s still so weird and hard to talk about. With Will no less, with everything he’s gone through, she’s not sure how comfortable he is talking about any of that time at all.

”Sorry,” he offers and looks fine though. ”It’s a great song,” he adds.

”Thanks. I listened to it a lot, over and over last year before we were even um… I had to stop because it just made me think of him when we weren’t… but then now since I’ve… listened to it a lot again and yeah it just… makes me think of him. I think it’s about us. Sorry that’s so cheesy and sappy but-”

”It’s not cheesy it’s romantic,” Will shrugs, slight blush on his cheeks.

”Right, anyway… well you’ve at least heard of Madonna right?” She continues and picks up the next record.

”Yes,” Will smiles and rolls his eyes to signal that he’s not completely clueless regarding pop music.

XXX

”So, what else do you have planned?” His mom asks as they make their way out of the store after saying goodbye to Mrs. Henderson who couldn’t stop talking about what a cute couple he and Nancy apparently makes.

”I don’t know I… I should take her out for dinner right? Somewhere uh, nice… but I don’t know any nice places um… and you know, money…”

”Well, may I come with a suggestion?”

”Yes?”

”You are a catch Jonathan-”

”Mom…”

”- you are handsome and charming and nice-”

”Mom… where’s the suggestion?”

”I’m getting to it! And funny and smart and brave. These are all great qualities that makes you the most special amazing guy in the world, and I’m sure Nancy agrees with me.”

”Mom…”

”But you have another very special quality that makes you stand out even more from all the other hapless guys around: you’re a great cook, Jonathan.”

”I’m okay, mom.”

”No, you’re great. You’re really great in the kitchen. I think so and Will thinks so and I know Nancy thinks so too. She’s not faking all those yummy noises and ’oh my god Jonathan this is great’ every time she’s over for dinner. And she’s a girl who was raised by Karen Wheeler who feeds her family good, just like you by the way. So, going out to dinner is nice and all but do you know what’s even more romantic for a girl? When a guy cooks you a great dinner himself. I think you should cook for Nancy yourself. Make it romantic, with candles and stuff you know. I guarantee you she’ll be like putty in your hands.”

”Putty in my hands?”

”I mean, you know… I’m just saying, she’ll love it and it will be very sweet and romantic!”

”Right… I mean…”

”Will and I will be out of the house so you’ll have the place for yourselves.”

”… okay… um… yeah that sounds… like a plan. But oh god what should I cook her?”

”Well, her favorite, obviously. Come on son.”

XXX

After having explained to Will that Like a Virgin isn’t literal but more… metaphorical, Follow Me by Blondie has also been added to the tape. Will really digs Blondie and says he’s sure Jonathan will like them too. Which makes her weirdly happy, Blondie is her favorite band. It’s not like it’s the end of the world if Jonathan doesn’t like them but… it sure would be nice if he did. And she thinks Will is probably right, he knows his brother’s tastes very good of course and even she knows that though he’s generally more inclined to punk he’s not averse to new wave so.

”Hey there’s a New Order song that he’s played for me that needs to be on the tape, help me dig through his records,” she requests and starts to look through all the records and tapes Jonathan’s got by his record player.

”Sure, what song?” Will asks.

”I forget the name of it… it goes like…” she starts to hum the tune but Will looks on confused. ”And then it goes like ’Up down turn around please don’t let me hit the ground’ and then later like ’I’ve never met anyone quite like you before’ um…”

”Uh… um… wait, Temptation?” Will suggests.

”Oh, maybe I’m not sure about the title really…”

”I think he has the single wait… here it is,” Will digs out a record and soon well-familiar tones fill the room.

”Yeah that’s it, awesome! Thanks.”

”No, problem. I love them. New Order, and Joy Division before that. He has a lot of their stuff. He really likes them.”

”Yeah I like them too.”

”So what’s special about this song?”

”Oh it was playing in the car after our first like, real date, when we found a place to stop and be together like that for the first time since- uh I mean…” she drastically cuts herself off as Will’s eyes bulges out and she realizes she almost started to tell Jonathan’s little brother about the second time she and Jonathan had sex. ”Er, I mean it just reminds me of our first official date and it’s a nice song for a nice time um.”

”It is a nice song,” Will nods, trying to move past the awkwardness. In an effort to do the same she drastically changes the topic.

”So uh, Mike’s freaking out about what to do for El and his first Valentine’s Day. I’ve had to help him all week because he’s clueless about what to do.”

”Tell me about it, it’s all he talks about now. It’s kind of annoying,” Will rolls his eyes but smirks. ”Lucas too, about Max. And Dustin is desperate to impress some girl in time for it.”

”Oh, who?”

”Just any girl I think, no one in particular. Suddenly everyone is girl crazy. I don’t get it.”

”Oh, huh. I tried to talk to him at the Snow Ball hmpf… he should just relax a little. But yeah I can see how that’s annoying. But oh speaking of the Snow Ball, how about you? What ever happened with that cute girl you were dancing with?”

”Oh uh… we’re just friends. We sit next to each other in Math. To be honest I think she just wanted to dance with anyone and thought I was as good as any…”

”Aw, don’t say that maybe she likes you for real.”

”I don’t know. I don’t mind, I don’t really like her all that much… I mean she’s alright, but it’s not like… that. I don’t know. I don’t really care about girls all that much… I mean uh, yet or like… I don’t know,” Will stumbles over his words and she gathers it’s not something he really wants to talk about so she decides to back off. To be honest his reaction kind of reminds her of how Barb used to react to talk about boys at that age. Barb was never interested in boys… She decides to just leave it.

”Oh well that’s no big deal. I mean you guys are just in eighth grade not like you should be in a hurry, you’re not even out of middle school yet. It’s just funny to me how Mike acts now, I never thought he of all people would get a girlfriend already in middle school. Biggest dork in the world,” she smiles.

”Sure that’s not me?” Will rolls his eyes and grins.

”No way, you’ve always added the cool factor to your little group,” she insists.

”What cool factor?” Will questions.

”The cool artist one!” She grins.

Will laughs and shakes his head.

”Anyway, speaking of cool artists, this may also be cheesy but I’m going to put ”Heroes” on the tape just because,” she continues and reaches out to flip through Jonathan’s David Bowie records.

”Because you two are…” she can just hear Will mumble under his breath and it makes her grin but when she looks at him he looks down and pretends to be reading the liner notes of the New Order record so she turns back to the Bowie pile with a smile.

XXX

Well, Jonathan’s definitely got something planned. When he picked her up for school he mumbled a ”Happy Valentine’s Day” and nervously asked her if she is free tonight. Normally he’s not nervous to ask her that. She’s very intrigued by this. Especially when he asks if she can borrow her mom’s car and come over at 7 because ”I mean I’d love to pick you up but I have to um… uh… prepare…something.”

She could, so here she is now, pulling up in the Byers driveway a little before 7. Joyce’s Pinto is gone, she notices. Jonathan was very tightlipped about tonight, not letting any information slip no matter what she tried. Not even when she started making out with him in the darkroom while asking him about it did he lose enough focus to spill the beans. She’s glad he didn’t though, if antsy to see what he’s got planned. Whatever it is she’s sure it will be amazing. It’s not like Valentine’s Day is a huge deal to her. She had to kind of roll her eyes at some of the stuff she witnessed at school today. She overheard Josie raving to Vicky and Leslie about how Greg apparently is the perfect boyfriend and so romantic because he surprised her with roses and chocolates in a grand gesture by her locker in front of everyone. When just last week in the same spot Josie very publicly dumped Greg because he had kissed Kayla at Drew’s house party over the weekend.

She’s all for romance, but some guys, like Greg, seems to take Valentine’s Day as the one day a year they have to be romantic and then the other 364 days they can do whatever as long as they “make up” for it on February 14th. She’s been with Jonathan for three and a half months now and he’s been romantic… every day, with her. Just all the time, in the little things. It’s in the little things for her, everything doesn’t have to be a grand gesture to be romantic. Though something grand today she wouldn’t be averse too… just not in public, she’s thankful he’s like her in that he’s more private than public about that stuff. Last year for Valentine’s Day Steve had been waiting for her by her locker with a huge bouquet of roses and a huge heart-shaped box of chocolates and while she appreciates the gesture, having the whole hallway full of people staring at her waiting for her move was mortifying. Ever since that November her and Steve’s relationship had been the talk of the hallways. Until they got back together everyone stared at her and whispered as she walked down the hallways alone, then when she went back to Steve she could feel everyone staring at them like they were expecting more drama any second. It died down over the months but at that point in February her and Steve’s relationship… drama, was still the juiciest gossip at Hawkins High.

Plus that morning hadn’t been her best. She had seen Barb’s parents the night before which had brought up all the feelings she was trying to bury right up to the forefront from where they were bubbling just under the surface, and she cried all night and didn’t get any sleep and felt like a wreck as she fixed herself up and dragged herself to school only to be greeted with that. With a boyfriend waiting for her looking expectantly at her and a hallway full of people all also looking at her expecting something. She really could’ve done without that. Her first instinct had been to turn around and bolt, get away from all the people and expectations and facades she had built up, but of course she didn’t. She did what everyone expected of her, she walked up to Steve and called him an idiot in a sweet voice and kissed him and accepted the flowers and chocolates.

It took until Halloween until her facades crumbled and she defied everyone’s — most of all her own — expectations and did what she truly sought after. Getting justice and getting Jonathan. He’s many things, brave and strong and sweet and funny and kind and nice and smart, and he’s also not showy but private and genuine with his emotions. No grand public gestures today, just as always sweet Jonathan by her side the whole day, with the mysterious promise of something more tonight, privately. She can’t wait, so she hurries her step as she makes her way up to the porch with the mixtape in her coat pocket.

XXX

He realizes he must have checked the oven nine times in the last thirty seconds but he checks it again. Almost ready. Almost. It has to be perfect. He glances at the clock on the wall. Still 6:53 like the last seventeen times he looked. He walks over to the dining room table. It all looks nice right? It’s nice but not too over the top, he hopes. Like he’s trying but not like… trying too hard. Can he try too hard with Nancy? Should he light the candles now? No, after she’s here, right? Yeah, definitely. Crap, a lighter. Or matches. He forgot. He rushes back into the kitchen and rummages through a drawer and finds a lighter. Same one they used to set fire to a monster once, he realizes as he puts it in his pocket. Should he rethink the shirt?

The sound of a car coming into the driveway jolts him out of his thoughts. Crap, he hopes he went with the right shirt, after changing four times. Too late to change again now. He stands ready by the door as he hears her closing a car door outside. Should he open it already? Or let her knock? Should he maybe wait a second before opening it so to not give away that he’s standing here waiting? Crap! The food! He runs back into the kitchen Instead and looks in the oven again. Yep, ready now. Where’s the damn oven mitts? There. He hurries to carry the dish out to the dining room. Just as he sets it down on the table, near the bottle of wine he got Eric to go in and buy for him, there’s the knock on the door. He hurries towards it, halfway there realizing he should probably lose the oven mitts, throwing them into the kitchen.

XXX

”Hey…”

”Hi!”

Wow he looks so dreamy. He’s wearing his best shirt (at least the one that’s her favorite on him. It really brings out his eyes) and smiling at her in that way that makes her heart skip beats.

”You look great,” he tells her, taking her in. It makes her blush, what he says and how he looks at her.

”Thanks. You too. My favorite on you,” she tells him and reaches out to place her fingers to the collar of his shirt as she steps forward to kiss him. His lips are soft and nice. They always are. Even when they’re a bit chapped from her kissing him throughout a whole night they somehow remain soft even after that.

”Come in,” he smiles at her when they break apart and he steps aside to let her in.

He takes her coat and she takes in the- oh, is it…?

”It smells wonderful Jonathan, it smells like-” she starts.

”Yeah,” he blushes and nods and smiles. ”I know it’s your favorite so… I wanted to do something nice, tonight um… so I thought we could uh, have dinner… here. Just the two of us, I mean. My mom and Will aren’t home. So it’ll be just us…”

”That sounds lovely,” she beams at him.

She takes his hand and he leads her to the dining room. There he hurries up to the table to light two candles while she’s left standing looking in awe at him and his efforts.

”You did all this for me?”

”I… yeah… I hope you like it I just wanted to make-”

He probably had many more sweet things to say but she can’t contain herself she just has to kiss him because he’s so sweet and cute and dreamy. Has to kiss him a lot actually, so much so she presses him up against the wall and suddenly they find themselves in a little make out session.

”I love it,” she halts to tell him.

”We haven’t gotten to the food yet,” he points out with a shy smile after he’s caught his breath.

”Your point being?” She grins. ”This is so sweet Jonathan. I love it already.”

XXX

Well, so far this has gone better than he could have hoped for. She made out with him before dinner even. And again after. And has told him over and over how he’s apparently the sweetest and cutest in the world (which he definitely disagrees with, because clearly that’s her just look at her) and that the evening’s been perfect. But now the moment of truth is here. This part he’s more nervous about than anything.

”I got something for you,” he tells her.

”Wait, there’s more?” She looks surprised.

”Yeah this was just… um, well I want to give you something also.”

”You’re unbelievable,” she grins and shakes her head. Then looks at him. ”I have something for you too. Wait here.”

She gets up, goes over to him and kisses him and then hurries out of the room to get it, whatever it is. He never thought about her getting him something. Now he’s very excited about that.

Nancy quickly returns, hiding her hands behind her back. Looking like she’s about to burst from excitement.

”Can I go first?” She asks.

”Sure,” he says while getting up from his chair.

”So… I made you this,” she says and reveals a mixtape. He feels his jaw drop a little and hopes he doesn’t look like a total dork as he continues to listen to her. ”I’ve played you some of my stuff before but you share so much of the music you love with me, and I know how important it is to you… it’s part of you, so it means a lot that you do, like all the tapes you make me, I love them and I wanted to make you one with music that’s important to me because it… well, this is all made up of songs that makes me think of you… us… in different ways… which makes them very special to me… um… I hope you like it,” she finishes and hands him the tape.

”This is amazing… thank you,” he tells her as he stares transfixed at the tape in his hands, scanning the track list written in Nancy’s beautiful handwriting. This is his favorite mixtape ever, he knows already. ”Thank you so much… I love it…”

”You haven’t listened to it yet,” she notes.

”Your point being?” He mirrors her from earlier and it makes her laugh. ”I love it already. And I can’t wait to listen to it. Thank you.”

”You’re welcome,” she blushes before kissing him.

”So… I got you this. I hope you like it. If not that’s okay um,” he tells her and fishes the box with the necklace in it out of his shirt pocket.

”I will don’t sell yourself short,” she starts. When she sees the jewelry box she quiets. He hands it to her and she takes it in her nimble hands. She flips the lid open and gasps. ”Oh my god Jonathan…” she takes the necklace out and holds it in her hands, admiring it as she drops the box on the floor. ”This is beautiful oh my god… I love it thank you so much oh my… oh my god you got me this and did all this tonight and I just made you a mixtape? Oh god I feel so-”

”Just a mixtape? This is amazing Nancy, it means so much to me that you made this for me, that you want to share this with me… and I… wait you really love it?”

”Yes oh my god Jonathan, it’s beautiful! Oh my god it’s an opal, isn’t it? That’s my birthstone this is so sweet…”

”I know… okay, I didn’t know that at first, I found that out… I just thought, well it matches your eyes and so I thought it was really pretty because… well, your eyes… are… um…”

”God that’s even sweeter… I… wait hold on…”

Nancy quickly takes off the necklace she’s wearing, the nice ballet slippers one she always wears. Which she told him her parents got her for Christmas when she was 11 and still doing ballet, and which she kept wearing as a kind of memento of that time even after her ballerina days were over. She obviously loves that necklace, which gave him second thoughts about the necklace he got her after he bought it but since he’d paid for it and all he felt he should just go with it even with the doubts. Her reaction has erased those now.

”Help me put it on,” she asks and hands the necklace to him and turns around with her back toward him and sweeps her hair out of the way.

”S-sure…”

He undoes the clasp and gently puts the necklace on her. When he’s clasped it again she quickly turns around and looks right at him, beaming with her whole face.

”So how do I look?”

”Beautiful…” he manages to get out. She’s breathtaking.

She kisses him again and takes his breath away.

”I love you so much, you know,” she tells him.

”I love you too.”

”I still feel bad you did all this and got me this and I just made you a mixtape…” she tells him, hands locked behind his neck.

”It means the world to me though. And this is just… I just wanted to give you something nice… and have a nice night with you…”

”It’s been the best night. Still I should have gotten you more…”

”Well, I don’t really want much more than what I’ve got right now,” he tell her and pointedly holds her closer.

”Aw… well still, your birthday’s coming up soon…ish. And I’m going all out. Think I’ll throw you a parade. Buy you your own island or something. Get the President to make it a national holiday,” she smiles.

”Hey hey hey. Our own island I could get behind,” he smirks. She giggles.

”Right? Well for now I think… a house to ourselves does just fine…” she says and gives him a look.

”Happy Valentine’s Day,” he tells her and picks her up. She reciprocates the sentiment and giggles as she locks her arms and legs around him while he heads straight to his room.

[talix18]

November 21

Yesterday Katelyn called to see if I wanted to hang out. Katelyn is the almost 22-year-old who I call my adopted niece but she’s something more than that. I lived with K and her mom from the time K was 18 months old until she was four-and-a-half so I was her de facto other mom. I know it’s just the slightest approximation of what parenting must feel like but I treasure the memory of her being satisfied with coming to me if Mom wasn’t available. Three-year-old K running towards me when I showed up to pick her up from daycare. The memory of the Christmas when all K wanted from Santa was to see her father and her mother and I couldn’t make that happen – talk about powerlessness. Watching her sing at her high school variety show remembering how I’d been too terrified to sing in front of people…

She inherited some things from me – her opinions and eagerness to share them is probably the big one, but she also, somehow, has come to love Def Leppard (I suspect that’s her boyfriend’s influence). You already know how Def Leppard introduced me to my first boyfriend. I can tell you exactly where I was and who I was with when I heard about the car accident that ultimately took Rick Allen’s arm. I remember that someone who worked at a music store called me to tell me Steve Clarke had died. Def Leppard was my third concert (1st: Asia; 2nd: Stray Cats) – I still can’t believe Mom let me go with Allen and some of his friends at 15. Some people have made-up imaginary friends – mine were real people.

I went up to see K at her mom’s place after work (Kate’s mom and her husband of a year and a week are still on their delayed honeymoon in Tennessee) and we talked about all kinds of things. She said something about Def Leppard touring with Motley Crue, which led me to the Crue documentary I just watched on Netflix over the weekend. I was a fan – saw them open for Ozzy once; had a poster on my ceiling for a while – but the milestones in their lives were vague memories. Of course Tommy was married to Heather Locklear and Vince committed vehicular manslaughter, but that was most of what I knew.

The documentary is an unflinching portrait of the toll drugs took on the band – specifically Nikki Sixx – but that’s not the part that really got to me. I know how addiction works. I had to stop the movie to Google what happened to Vince Neil’s daughter after her cancer diagnosis, which paid off as the next scene opened on her dead four-year-old body laying in the hospital bed. So now I’m having feelings about poor Vince losing his daughter after killing his friend how many years after the fact?

On the way home, after playing a Def Leppard song, the DJ mentioned the tour with Crue and I had to call Katelyn. We are definitely going, I assured her, now that I have even more emotions tied up with these people. I am definitely not thinking about the fact that “Crue called their friends in Def Leppard” to arrange the tour because I assume that means the Leps were also hard partiers and I’d rather not consider all the sordid debauchery that follows along. (Poison is also on the bill, and we’re all down with Bret since Rock of Love. Don’t threaten me with a good time!)

K and I also watched Mean Girls, which I had never seen, and I’m always happy to patch up a hole in my cultural reference knowledge. “Her hair is so big because it’s full of secrets” is everything. Feel free to welcome me to fifteen years ago.

I have to believe the increased meds dosage is making a difference. Tuesday alone I scheduled a doctor’s appointment (colorectal), an ultrasound (thyroid), a dinner/movie date with a friend, a massage, an eye exam, and a dentist’s appointment AND I enrolled for supplemental vision insurance. It seems like a reasonable amount to accomplish in one day, but I’d been putting off some of these appointments for months. Why is it so hard to pick up the phone and call someone? I will never be able to explain it. Trust me – I wish I could help people understand! The best I can do is recognize that I’m functioning more effectively and keep track of what I’m doing that’s different.

Yesterday I committed to flying to Boston to see a friend get married on New Year’s Eve. “Black tie optional”? Hell yeah I want to go hang out in that hotel and see that venue that my amazing friend and her intended are having a black-tie optional shin-dig in! I can’t imagine my lifestyle ever affording me such luxurious splurges on the regular so I need to take advantage of the opportunities when they manifest. Besides, I already have a dress that I got for a black-tie New Year’s Even anniversary party a few years ago; wearing it a second time makes it an even better value! (We don’t discuss how much money I ultimately spend on a wrap and statement earrings.) (Ack! I need to make an appointment with Katelyn for my hair!)

I haven’t seen Karen (the friend getting married) in FIVE years, which seems impossible, but there it is. Karen is one of my original gang of Webpeeps – Webpepes 1.0! Most of us met on a news aggregate website, got to know each other in the forum (4um elites represent), and created a new bulletin board to hang out in. At our peak we had about 150 members but the core group was about 40, and I’ve had the pleasure of meeting at least 30 of us in meatspace.

The first time I met Karen (GreenBeans/GB) was at her then husband’s 30TH (?) birthday party. Rider (PsiDefect), Tim (GasMasher), and I drove my car up to Boston from Philly (Tim and I drove up from MD) to surprise this dude we’d never met, and that cemented my friendship with both Karen and Ted (Law). Their marriage broke up some time ago, which I learned the weekend she and I got together in Orlando with Catrina (CatWritr) and CJ (Hajen). Which was somehow five full years ago.

The first time I met ANY of these nerds was…I don’t even know how long ago at the original Farkoasterfest. I lived with Katelyn and Vanessa at the time and V straight up took pictures of Rider and his license plate when he pulled up to scoop me and head out to Sandusky, OH. I do know I was working at SSA and it was relatively early in my tenure, so early-2000s? It was also probably the first time I spent an entire weekend with people not in recovery since I’d gotten clean. Several hundred miles away with nearly perfect strangers – who thought that was a good idea?

It turned out to be one of the best decisions I’ve ever made. Some of the people I met that weekend and after are straight up some of my closest friends. It was my first experience making friends as an adult, which is startlingly difficult to do. My first group of friends that didn’t start in our hometown or on campus or in recovery – people I connected with in a realm where all we had was the words on the screen and our wit.

Places I’ve since hung out with these people include Seattle twice, Cedar Point one or two more times, Northern VA, DC, PA, and Toledo. I’ve seen at least three couples wed and have almost ten kids between them. I dated the guy in Toledo for a few years. I flew out to Seattle for Andrea (BigOrangeCat/TheOtherAndrea)’s 40th birthday party and to visit her in the hospital before she died. We helped Amy (Hisey) mourn the loss of her nearly full-term daughter. We helped Joe (ThedNeedles) deal with his ex keeping his son away from him – some of his helped him with legal aid. We watched each other’s kids grow up and have kids of their own. Norm (Zorgon) just emailed to let me know he was in town (-ish –northern DC suburb) and wanted to connect but was laden with germs – we get together for a meal very few years when work brings him this way. Never let anyone tell you your online friends don’t count.

(Logging back in to the old bulletin board to count heads gifted me with a video of Mike (BitZero) (father of FarKoasterFest) smashing up some obsolete Fark hardware. Good times!)

I reached out to CJ and Cat to see if either one was planning on coming to the wedding to offer the other side of the king-sized bed I’ll be sleeping in in Boston and I’m glad I did. CJ’s got a handful of kids so money is always a concern and I’m paying for the room whether I’m alone or with someone else. We’ll be FaceTiming Cat at midnight and maybe during the ceremony too.

In fact, I’ve been suspiciously functional this week. Monday was meh, but since then I’ve had three good, productive days in a row. I have no specific plans tonight so I could go to a meeting, or I could go home and see if any of this momentum can be channeled into house projects. Coming up with a fictional framing device has given me the opportunity to figuratively walk myself through the necessary steps to get started. So whatever comes of this writing exercise, it’s been worth doing.

[golbrocklovely]

update on me

so

i know a lot of you are wondering why it's taken me forever and a half to write again. and i just want to say thank you for those that did message me asking if i was okay. that means so much to me.

and i know i technically don't have to tell you what's been happening. but i feel like i owe you guys an explanation and i don't mind telling you.

i have terrible anxiety and depression.

it wasn't always like this. but in these past few months, it has gotten completely out of hand. my anxiety comes from all the shitty stuff that is happening in my life right now. recently, my family has fallen on some hard times, both financially and health wise. i have also.

recently, my health has started to decline a lot. i'm not sick, but i honestly feel like my body is shutting down on me. i've never been the healthiest, having been fat my whole life, but now it feels like something else is wrong and it has nothing to do with my weight (mostly because i have lost a good amount).

on top of this, i'm stressed constantly over something. if it's not one thing, it's another. for example, recently i hurt my tooth and this has caused a lot of pain in my mouth for over a month now. i haven't been to a dentist in an embarrassing number of years, or even a doctor for that matter. i know i should take better care of myself, but honestly.... when you feel like dying, why the fuck would you go to the doctor to get a check-up? or the dentist for that matter?

now, my depression surprisingly has let up some, but my anxiety has not. i want to go get checked out, especially for my teeth, but i have little to no money and insurance may not cover everything. i can't afford to have a fuck up, but everything feels fucked up.

this all being said... i'm still gonna update. it just might be a bit irregular.

writing has always been my escape from my life. i'm able to do as i please, make things happen that would never in a million years. make some of you happy when i fill out your request or update a story.

i'm gonna keep going. feel free to unfollow if you don't like my irregular posting now. i won't be mad.

but if you do plan to stick around... let me tell you, i got a story coming that may or may not be based on one of my one-shots... and i'm super excited for it. kinda goes with the whole fall/halloween theme ;)

so... that's kinda it. feel free to message/talk to me. i'm always down to chat.

thanks again <3

[peachydyoung]

money talks | k.dy (m)

— genre ➙  sugardaddy!au + smut + angst — words ➙ 8k i love writing doyoung please kill me — member ➙ kim dongyoung — warnings ➙ graphic smut, dirty talk, rough sex, softdom!doyoung + sub!reader, oral sex, fingering + strong language + inappropriate scenario // 2 smuts in one

The owner of a multi-billion dollar company plans to invest in your career for a small price. He gives you one rule... Don’t get attached.

↳ 01 completed

— ⚠️ DISCLAIMER⚠️ ➙  This contains a very problematic scenario. I personally do not advocate for this, and please know that this is writing, a story with an intriguing topic to read about, not to act upon. Each fic will have their own set of warnings, look at them and evaluate if they are for you. My intention is not to offend, or trigger anybody, I am here to entertain you and exercise my passion as a writer. a/n here’s a nice long doyoung smut, 2 sex scenes cause there is never enough and doyoung my bias. 

“I haven’t seen you before,” A dark-haired, broad-shouldered man smiled, raising his wine glass in front of him. His penetrating eyes and gummy smile made you unconsciously lift yours. Although it was your first time at this party, you wondered why you hadn’t seen him earlier. He was senselessly gorgeous.

You were insecure under his stare, he stood there in front of you with his fancy suit and handsome face. The only dresses you could afford were the ones from forever 21. And even then it was still a little much. Nonetheless, you could always manage to make five dollars look like hundred.

“Uh, yeah, I’m a plus one,” you said apprehensively, but the man seemed to catch on to it. Taeyong had brought you along and asked that you mingle to make more connections. He noticed that you were becoming more and more insecure about your photography with every new job that turned you down.

“Mmm,” He hummed, taking a sip of his wine and letting his eyes rake over your body. “So you’re here with a man? Women? By yourself?” He was easy on the eyes, especially wearing an expensive black suit and being in his mid or late twenties.

“My friend… you might know him, his name is Taeyong. He’s pretty popular amongst the mainstream dancing thing. He has a lot of friends.” His eyes widened comically, a big smile playing on his youthful skin as he let out a laugh. You didn’t wanna be here at all, but you knew coming here meant photography connections and you needed that before college ended.

“Me and Taeyong? We go way back,” He said grinning as if he was reliving a past memory. “Can I?” he gestured to the open chair next to you, his smile making you say yes to anything he could have asked.

“Yeah of course!” You adjusted your body to look more presentable. With a nod, he sat on the stool next to you, placing his glass on the counter of the fancy bar and drumming his fingers on the granite counter.

“So…has no other man come to talk to you yet?” Your cheeks were blanketed in a red sheer glow as he asked the question. To answer his question, no, nobody had come to talk to you. You either scared them away or were a ghost to the rich and snobby crowd.  “I apologize if it makes you uncomfortable it’s just a question a man has when they see a beautiful woman sitting alone—I’m Doyoung by the way, Kim Dongyoung.” He had manners too, something you liked in a guy. And this one wasn’t a frat boy, he was a real man with a job.

“I’m Y/N, and no, nobody has.” The beginnings of a smirk were present on his small lips. His answer didn’t shock him,  he knew that you would be his by the end of the night. “And if you’re wondering, I don’t have a boyfriend either,” You added on playfully, earning a chuckle.  He sipped his drink, mischievous twinkling in his eyes.

“Well, I don’t have a girlfriend either.” A smile illuminated his face, he looked down, something about it was bittersweet. “So what do you do?” He asked. “What do you do to make a life for yourself.”

“Photographer, I’m a photographer.” He nodded. “I uh, I’m going to college right now majoring in photography, which is going very well. I want to break into high fashion photography for models, especially nude shoots, those are always fun.” He laughed, it was deep, low, and genuine. “It’ll never happen though, should've become a dentist like my mom suggested.” You paused momentarily, holding eye contact with the man. His eyes were dark, narrow, and discerning.  “Fine art photography is my backup, but it’s even harder to make a name for yourself. Photography is hard to break into now, you know.” You laughed awkwardly. “Part-time jobs are my income and will continue to be that way.”

“Consider yourself lucky. At Least you’re doing something you love. Do you know how many people have money and office jobs and hate it… a lot, I’ll tell you that much.” You guessed he was right, he looked rich enough to make the assumption. “ If photography truly makes you happy, pursuing it is the only way to go. We live most of our lives in work anyways,, don’t play dentist because your mom said so. Novelty wears off.”

“And are you happy?” You tilted your head, earning a silent laugh from him.

“Do you know who I am?” He inquired, looking more and more smug by the minute. “Never heard of KDY Enterprises? Or Entertainment?.” You were ashamed of not knowing, nodding your head no shyly. He didn’t seem to mind, he actually looked a little… happy?

“So you have money? And an office job?” He was hesitant to answer you but decided to say it anyway.

“Yeah, yeah I do.”

“So, tell me first hand, do you hate your job, does the novelty of money wear off?” He cocked his head to the side, his tongue poking from his cheek as he swallowed your playful retort.

“You know what people don’t know?” He asked, setting down his drink and narrowing his eyes at you. “I might have a busy job, but money never gets old. Despite what people think, I can buy happiness.”

“Sure you can. You can buy food, mattresses, houses, plane tickets, all of which that would make one happy, me included. But what’s the point of buying a house when it’s empty? You can have a bag of groceries, but you won’t finish all the food. Mattresses get cold when one side is slept on more than the other.”

A shaky sigh left his lips, you guessed that nobody had really talked to him like this, after all, he was the CEO of his own company. “My penthouse is pretty empty,” He shrugged, ogling you. “My bed’s cold as well.” A sly smirk found its way to his face. “I like sharing. With my friends… family...charity.” You chuckled at him, sipping wine from your own glass.

“I know people in the fashion business, I know models, I know photographers.” You knew a business opportunity when you saw one, you cocked your eyebrow and looked at him through hooded eyes.

“I don’t follow.” You looked everywhere but him, at the ceiling, at the ground, just left of his head. You even spotted Taeyong talking to some girl. But you were too nervous to look at him, too nervous to hear what he would propose.

“Because I’m lonely and rich as you so kindly pointed out,” He retorted. “Why don’t I help you with your photography dream. And If you’re so willing we can even share a  bed.” You started at him, watching as he got up from his chair and stepping in front of you.

“And how did you intend on doing that?”

“Sweetheart, come with me and let me show you.”

With his arm outstretched and his hand offered. You took it, not knowing you made a deal with the devil.

A year later

Your eyes hurt and were dry from keeping them open. Your photoshop was broken, and you couldn't email the photos without your computer shutting down. No matter how hard you tried none of your photographs were looking the way you’d imagine them to turn out like. Fine art photography wasn’t supposed to be forced, but you’ve been in a rut for at least a month.

It wasn’t always like this. Your creativity would be bursting at the seams when he was there. Everything seemed to be going right when Doyoung showed up. When he was gone it was like you were living your days in an endless loop of loneliness and fame. The world went on without you, life passed you. It was when you were with Doyoung that you could catch up to it again. Without him, you were stuck, life stopped.

Doyoung offered you an easy out of your part time jobs with mediocre pay and wage times. He introduced you to a world of magic and wealth. Although you were skeptical at first, you had no choice but to agree, there was no way you could get through college and then get a decent job. College at that point was getting pretty shitty with all its stressful exams, and you needed a way out. And there was your opportunity.

Of course, there were rules you were to follow religiously. If you were to break any of them you don't know what Doyoung would do to you, he could be super creative at times. Regardless, you followed them because you were grateful for all he did for you, not just because he told you too.

You weren’t stupid, you knew that he had other girls spread across the world waiting to be fucked just like you were. They were probably held up in a penthouse just like you. But you didn’t ask questions, you didn’t care. You broke rule number, don’t get too attached. And that was the first mistake you made with your dangerous life with Doyoung.

You shut your laptop and groaned, pulling the instant noodles you made earlier towards you. You took a spoonful of the now cold and mushy noodles. You had been able to pay back Doyoung the million dollars he gave you to start your photography career and made nearly 20 times more. Yet you still stayed and ate less than mediocre food. Bad habits never change.

“This is fucking disgusting,” you muttered to yourself, snatching the cup of noodles up in your hand and sauntering over to the kitchen.

The house was pretty minimalistic. It was mostly all white with black furniture, cool toned things and such. It was all open concept, the kitchen, living room, and dining room. Every countertop was white quartz, every cabinet war of the highest quality wood, you lived lavishly.

You opened the trash can and threw the mushy noodles in. Doyoung had promised to bring you dinner that night, and as the clock struck closer and closer to twelve you knew it was a lost cause. And instead of calling, you turned into a muttering mess. “Doyoung, when you come back I’m gonna fucking kill you for making me wait—”

“Now baby,” a familiar voice cut through the air behind you. “You’re not actually planning on doing something  stupid, right?”

The familiar sight of his white button-down shirt came into vision. It was a nice sense of normalcy when you saw him sweaty after work,  his white shirt clinging to his skin. It made you feel like one of those conventional couples, the ones where the wife greets the husband when he gets back from work.

He dropped his briefcase on the ground and lean up on the counter across from you.

“Fuck you.” He pretended to look shocked from what you had said, but to be frank, this whole month you had been giving him attitude and you yourself didn’t even know why. This doesn't surprise him.

“Cute,” he remarked. “It wouldn't be the first time I have.” You had become so comfortable with him in the year you knew him. But as you grew comfortable,  his slide remarks didn’t turn you on like they used to, his broken promises actually hurt, the relationship actually meant something to you. And you didn’t know if any of those things mattered to him ” I wonder  when  you’ll  learn to behave and not disobey me.” He ran his finger through his black hair and smirked. “I’m in need of a destresser.”

“You have other whores for tha—”

“Aren’t you brave tonight?” He raised his voice at you. “Like I said.” He pronounced each word clearly and loud. “I’m stressed and I missed you. I’ll dismiss the fact that you just said that to me as well.” He looked around the kitchen, finally locking eyes with you. “You should be happy I’m here, I’m a busy man you know.”

“Oh my god, thank you Doyoung for gracing me with your presence that wasn’t even spontaneous, it was promised!  Better yet! Thank you for being five hours late!” You never really got mad at him, even now the anger wasn’t at its breaking point, but this month things started to change.

“I don’t understand why you have to be so rude. You’ve been doing it a lot lately.”

You narrowed your eyes at your employer, finally a real anger brewing inside of you for all that he put you through. He sensed that, and despite his usual half-assed sorries, he pulled one out of his ass and made it sound even a little real. “I’m sorry Y/N. What can I do to make it up to you? Money? Jewelry? You name it. ” You were fully prepared to make an escape to your room and not see him for a couple of more months. You walked away.

“Y/N, don’t leave—” But you were already walking, walking, and walking away. “Y/N stop walking…  stop now.”

If it hadn’t been for how scary his voice was when he yelled, you might’ve not stopped, but maybe a part of you still would’ve.

“Get the fuck over here, right fucking now.” His voice was deep when he shouted, it was scary. In that moment you knew you were gonna fuck him, from the moment you saw him you knew.

“Why don’t you get the fuck over here, since you miss me so bad.” You turned around and looked at him. He was still leaning on the counter, staring at you. He reluctantly got up with a huff and paraded over meeting you at the dining table. His hand cupped your cheek while his other brushed some stray hair away from your face, pulling your face up. 

“Who do you think you are?” He said just above a whisper. “I don’t like fucking attitude,” he spat at you. “You should remember how you acted when you first got her, cause you weren’t like this.”

This was the fourth time he’d visited that week. Each time he came he was more stressed than the last, and you were becoming more reluctant as the days went on. It was one of the longest times he came. 

You wondered wh yourself was giving him attitude, he was generally a nice person with good intentions and you could tell that this was hurting him. But he was hurting you, he was always hurting you. Maybe the attitude would compensate for the fact that you actually had feelings for the man and pushing him away would help in the long run. “Bedroom, princess.”

He was right behind you quickly heading into the master bedroom like he was your parent tucking you to bed at night. You hated when he did that. He pushed you down on the bed roughly, letting you get enough time in to look up at him. He ripped the buttons of his button shirt open so hard you heard the little sounds of beads falling on the ground. He pulled down his pants so quickly you thought you heard a tear.

Faster than a heartbeat, his lips were pushed against yours feverishly. Doyoung always kissed rough and quick, always being careful of not kissing you too long so you never got the wrong idea. He was pulling on the hem of your shirt, leaving a trail of warm kisses down your neck as he struggled to pull it off your body.

Doyoung was everything you needed in bed. He was confident, caring, rough, and surprisingly exciting. Once he had pulled you top off, he was pulling down your jeans, throwing them somewhere behind him and chuckling. He ground his hips against yours. Enough to get you wet and leave your juices on soaking your panties.

Despite what people thought Doyoung's lips were soft and warm, not cold at all like the media portrayed. He was warm and inviting. So as he kissed you, you let your hands knot in the roots of his hair and pull.

He sighed pushing his tongue deep inside your mouth, a moaning. Your hips rocked against his, creating more and more friction for the both of you. His hands slipped to your waist, pulling the panties down on the right side. It was the fourth time this week his body was on top of yours, and you loved it.

“Doyoung—”

“Sweetheart you lost the right to talk,” He hummed, pulling your panties down and teasing your slit. He looked down at your pink pussy and intricately pleasured you, making you gasp. He was always in charge—always. He was the one that would leave you thoroughly fucked or in a crumpled up mess waiting to be. That was the way it was, and you liked the high stakes. A suppressed moan fell from your lips and was caught in his when he pushed the pad of his thumb on your clit.

“You can moan baby, I won’t stop you from doing that, ” He snickered, feeling your wetness gather up around your clit and entrance.

“You’re already dripping.” He smiled against your mouth than peppering kisses down your neck in sloppy unorganized kisses.

Without warning, he pushed a finger inside you, and you tried hard to suppress the scream that crawled at the back of your throat. Normally Doyoung liked to rile you up, he thrust his long fingers in and out of your pussy, in a search for your sweet spot. When he curled his fingers, he found it, rubbing it gently to push you over.

“Doyoung.“ He pushed his lips onto yours again roughly, surely leaving a bruise from how hard. All you heard were your muffled screams as his fingers were buried deep inside your pussy. You arch your back into him, letting your tits cover his bare chest.

“Baby I’m want to fuck you so bad now.”

Doyoung wasn’t the longest, but he fit you, he fit you better than a lot of men could and he knew how to fuck. You could see the outline of his member through his white tenting boxer shorts. He was painfully hard, he palmed himself through his boxers and groaned.

“Let me,” You sat up,  reaching out towards his boxers pulling them down steadily. He let you, watching the excitement in your eyes as his cock sprung free from his boxers. But he pushed your hands away.

“Let me be inside of you right now.” Doyoung was so incredibly gentle with you, no matter how many times you saw him in bare skin it excited you. Even when he was rough, he always found a way to make you feel okay, and you hated that he shared that with other girls.

“But I—”

“Please baby, please.” He spread your legs slowly across the bed, peeling each leg from the other to accommodate for his lanky body. This wasn’t how he usually liked to fuck you, he was normally rough, very rough. Him skipping a blow job, using a gentle touch, not calling you names was weird for you. Nonetheless, you didn’t object to it. No matter how you felt, one thing remained certain. You wanted him.

On his knees, he stroked himself, spitting on his hand and beginning to pump his shaft slowly with one hand. He lined himself up, slowly beginning to lay down on top of you. Within seconds he entered you in one hard thrust that made you moan out in pleasure. You never got over how well he fit inside you. Your friends would always talk about how their boyfriend had the biggest cock, but you doubted the notion that they pleasured them well or even at all. With Doyoung, every flaw you both had, everything about you two fit together, he knew what you wanted and made sure to give it to you. And you were sad to say that you felt at home with the whore hoarding CEO.  

“God, you always feel so good,” He hissed, his face falling into your neck and a loud muffled groan drop from his lips. He moved slowly at first, pulling out of you with little force before burying himself in your walls once more.

You moaned, head thrown back on the silk sheets and your hands knotted in his hair. “Doyoung,” You croaked. “Why aren’t you going faster?” you could barely talk, your voice came unsteadily. Gripping your hips tightly with his slender hands.

“I wanna take my time tonight.” He wanted his time for you. Regardless of how many girls he had, he wanted to savor this. He made sure to thrust deep, hard, but slow. Working to find your sweet spot than to blindly fuck you. You could feel his tip hitting your cervix in painful pleasure.

“Doyoung!” You squealed, as he thrust harder, followed by a high moan.

“Keep moaning like that.” He grunted, eyes falling to your face.

So you did as he asked, performing for him, you cried even louder. A chain of panicked moans left his mouth as you involuntarily clenched around his cock, he was hitting all the right spots inside you, but he needed to do more to compensate for the slow speed.

“Can I touch you?” You squeezed your eyes shut, trying to find the words to tell him to do it, to make you writhe at his will. But instead, you nodded, seeing his hand travel down in between you, and rubbing small circles over the swollen bundle of nerves. “Like this?”

“Y-yes.” You choked out. Doyoung was so calm, yet filled with so much pleasure. You didn’t know there could be this side of him. Through your gasps and unprompted shudders, he had to lean only a centimeter to capture your lips in his.

His slow thrusts continued, alongside his fingers, still rubbing your clit as he tried to kiss you. Wrapping your arms around his neck, letting them dance across his back, he drove his tongue into your mouth widely. All at once a collective wave of emotions swarmed you, an urgency filled the room as you climbed closer and closer to your climax.

“I’m going--to come…” You groaned. Your fingers pulling the roots of his hair.

“Y/N.” Your vision blurred, you pulse around him, breathing shallow and sweat gathering over your body.

“Oh my god…” You whimpered, you had become oversensitive. Your legs began to rattle against his body, a loud string of low moans leaving Doyoung as you felt him realize into you. His head fell into your neck, moaning against your sweet skin.

He held you in his arms, continuing to moan until you both finally released. You both stayed in each other's arms for a moment, catching your breath, breathing ruggedly as Doyoung rolled off of you. Just as quickly as he got into the bed, he slung his legs over the side and got up, pulling on his discarded clothes.

“You’re leaving so soon?” He looked at you, zipping up his pants and shrugging silently. Your heart sank.

“I need to. We have a meeting tomorrow and I need to take a quick flight to Busan, I’ll be back princess, you’ll see me tomorrow, don’t worry.” You wanted to act like a man, your man, your boyfriend, your husband, but you knew you would asking too much. As much as you wanted him to be yours, you knew he never would be, and so your anger showed in your attitude.

“Why bother with Busan, we’re in Seoul.” A small smile played on his face, he seemed happy that you didn’t want him to leave. You wrapped the pale pink silk sheets around your body, and slowly ascended from the bed. You stood in front of him, hoping he wouldn't leave. Still smiling, he leaned forward and kissed your head, a little too lovingly.

“I got you something just before I came. I waited a couple weeks for it. It’ll  atone for leaving so soon.”

You glanced at him curiously, your eyebrow cocking inquisitively. He did it again. He came, fucked you, stayed, and then left. He did it over and over again until the cycle felt never-ending. At first, you didn’t see a problem, but now, now you were in too deep.

He disappears behind your door, you can hear his quick footsteps as he goes to retrieve whatever it was he got for you. You couldn't help but be excited. Doyoung had money, Doyoung helped you with your career, but it wasn’t every day that he got you something without a request. He came back, a black necklace box in hand.

“For you,” he said, handing you the back box and excitedly awaiting your reaction. You opened it, a surge of happiness and shock flowing through you.

“Doyoung. How?” Your eyes widened, an ear to ear grin appeared on your face as you opened the box.  

A month ago you had managed to get a seat at one of the most famous auctions there ever was. All the proceeds went to charity, but you were there for one thing. Taeyong always said you looked best in pearls, but not any pearls, not counterfeit imitated ones. Real, natural white pearls. And he was right, they looked gorgeous on you.

You had a budget of a 1.5 million, now that you could afford to make such a risky purchase, but someone outbid you. You were so upset when you found out you wouldn’t get the pearls that Doyoung had to spend at least a week putting up with your rants, irrational mood swings, and attitude. But now you were staring at the pearls, and it was because of him.

“I knew you wanted them so I had to get them. I want you to wear them tomorrow, you look sophisticated and elegant, and beautiful in pearls.” Doyoung’s voice sounded sensual as it trailed off.

“Thank you so much—Oh my god, I could photograph this! Did you know Pearls promote centeredness, faith, loyalty, truth, and purity. I mean, my fine art project could really—oh my god, thank you so so so much.“ Your mind ran in every which way, thoughts of gratitude and respect raced through your head, while there were ideas of love and photography. You lunged at him, arms wrapped around your waist, playfully pulling at the sheets. “It must of cost so much—”

“Don’t worry about it… but Y/N, I really need to get going. I’ll see you tomorrow.” He pulled away from you.

And without another word he was gone. And there was no proof he ever was actually there.

“I need to turn down that offer, I’ll take new photos for the design, but I won't allow you to use my past works!” You folded your hands together, glancing around the room at the businessmen that observed your photography portfolio. There was one girl there. She looked like she was plucked from a gucci store in some beautiful country, but she had a mental capacity of a fifteen-year-old.

“I mean, using your old ones would ensure they would turn out good, you photos recently have been pretty—”

“Pardon me for asking, but who  are you, I haven’t seen you here before.” You sat at a table with reputable officials of Dyoung's company. You were held in high esteem at his enterprise. You were someone who was able to give Doyoung's company a mainstream vibe, generating buzz with the main media.

“Oh,” She laughed obviously as if you should've known who she was. “I’m new, but I’m Kim Dongyoung assistant, I take care of all the office needs and his needs as well.” You knew what she was. You never met his assistants, but people told you he went through them like cigarettes to an addict.

“This is a professional meeting with esteemed entrepreneurs, executives, and merchandisers. In this world, you build yourself up to power by connections and talent. I commend you for having such a difficult job, and starting a path to invent yourself. But you’re an assistant, know your place. Especially around people at this table. If I say that I don’t want past photos used then you can give me a concept or we can end the meeting and the company doesn't need me. Are we all  clear?” Everyone nodded, taking what you had said into consideration.

You learned very fast that your vocabulary and persona had to change at places like this, sometimes you let yourself slip, as you did now. But you couldn't help it,  she had this aura around her like she was fucking the CEO. Nevertheless, the rest of the people nodded, some smirking at your statement. To say the least, nobody really liked her.

“Ms. Y/L/N, I think since it’s going to be for the new computer he’s making, maybe we could go in the path apple had gone in. Great landscapes, flowers, I know you could absolutely make those amazing.” You smiled at the man, glancing at the girl momentarily and writing notes on your notepad. Where the fuck was Doyoung.

“Yes! I like that, but we could also do hipster things maybe,” the older women smiled. “My daughter, she goes to a lot of festivals and takes fantastic photos, they look so amazing, maybe we can get in touch with the interest of modern media and take pictures of those things.

“What’s your name Miss?” You asked flipping a page in your notepad to write it down.

“Oh!” She grinned happily.

“Ho Hyang-Soon. Spelled H-Y-A-N-G-Soon.” In the blink of an eye the door slowly creaked open, tensely, Doyoung appeared from the door.

“I’m sorry I’m late, I was held up at another meeting, if I had known I would have been late, I would have canceled, my deepest apologies,” He bowed down at everyone. He was good at lying sometimes, this was a lie he was particularly good at executing. You knew he had to be with one of his other girls. Regardless of what he was doing, you never asked you just nodded and did as you were told.

The meeting got pretty boring from that moment forward, they told you what photographs they wanted you to take and then you were basically done, the rest of the duration consisted of Doyoung calling more shots on the design of his computer.

You had never felt more happy to leave a meeting. Sometimes you thought they were fun. It was like coffee hour when Doyong wasn’t around. Other times they were absolutely boring.

You stood over Ms. Ho Hyang-Soon’s desk discussing her ideas towards the desktop art and photograpghy. You could tell she was flattered you had decided to talk to her and acknowledge her idea, it was very hard to do that with Doyoung.

However, the smile soon disappeared from your face when the doors to Doyoung’s office opened and revealed him and his shotty new assistant. Her hand was placed on his shoulder as he talked to one of his office friends, her smile wickedly evil as she glanced at you. You touched the pearls on your neck, realized that you had worn something he had given. You looked weak.  Despite having an agreement, you felt betrayed.

Dismissing yourself from the women and sauntering past the couple, you got angrier. As tempting as it was, killing someone in a workplace would be incredibly unprofessional and you were no insufficient pirahea. You in fact were a great, great businesswoman. You reached to back of your neck, unclasping the pearls that burned your skin with embarrassment and shoved it into the pocket of you pants suit. How could he do this to you? In a workplace as well.

You didn’t turn around, although you did hope he would call your name to go after you, he didn’t.

Minutes later, of more pining and pitying of yourself, you decided to get back on track and talk to more people. It was as if every minute Doyoung wasted, made you more and more anxious about him not coming at all. It almost hurt how much he didn’t care. As much as Doyoung had helped you, somehow you felt that he still thought of you as a little girl. You tried desperately to show him you were women, in more ways than one.

You excused yourself from yet another person and strolled over to his office. You loved being in there, it was massive, it had a huge window with a view of all of Sueol. You reached his door, pulling it open. “Doy—oh my god.” You stood at the door, seeing at the door, opened halfway seeing his assistant on his lap, her dress pulled up, and his pants pulled to his ankles. Doyoung's eyes widened, glancing at the girl who had taken his cock. You closed the door, making sure nobody behind you had seen.

You shook your head, trying to get the visions out of your mind and to keep going. But all that was racing through your mind was the disgusting pictures playing through your mind. You didn’t think sex was disgusting. But when you watched someone you liked doing it, it got hundreds of times more abominable and atrocious than just watching porn. You had immediately set off to find that women again, you had been having a nice conversation with her before this whole mess started.

And then not so long after he came out, leaving his assistent behind. It was amusing to you how composed he looked, it was as if nothing ever happened. He fixed his tie while looking around the fancy office searching for you. It was as if he wasn’t just being pleasured. Frankly, you didn’t care if he had sex, it was who it was with the mattered to you. You wanted that to be you, and only you.  He took long strides over to you, brushing his black hair from his eyes and standing in front of you and the women.

He bowed to the women, verbalizing something in Korean, before turning to your and motioning his head in another direction.

“Could I please talk to you Y/N?” His eyes looked everywhere but your eyes, too embarrassed to look at you.

“It’s okay Ms. Y/N, I’ll be fine.” Bashful about turning down Doyoung in front of someone in public, you had no choice but go with him, and you weren’t looking forward to what he was going to discuss with you.

Pulling you into an empty corridor, he heaved a heavy sigh and knotted his finger in his hair. “I’m sorry you had to see that,” He whispered quietly. “I didn’t mea—”

“It’s fine, luckily I found you and not somebody else.” You felt defiled, dirty even, awaken to what scandalous deed you two were actually doing.

“Yeah, but still, I don’t know how I would feel If I saw you bein—Why did you take your necklace off? It looked nice.” You felt like hitting him very, very hard. If you don’t know how you would feel, then why do it?

“It’s not like we’re dating Doyoung, it doesn't matter.”

Everyone at the meeting was praising you, but even with recognition from everyone in the world, if you didn’t have Doyoung’s you weren’t satisfied. He shrugged, after hearing from you.

“I guess your right,” He mumbled, scratching the back of his neck. “But why did you take it off?”

“I think pearls aren’t for me,” You trailed off. “But what about the symbolization, didn’t you say it promoted centeredness and such. “

“Loyalty actually.” Doyoung nodded, his big brown eyes soft as he looked at you. He didn’t say anything, making your uncomfortable under his stare. “Like I said, I don’t think they’re for me. And I should get going.” You started to walked away, but his grip on your waist stopped you.

“Is Ji-Su bothering you? I heard what happened before I got to the meeting.”

His stare held concern and a twinge of sadness, continuing to search for your shifty eyes.

“She seems nice.” You complimented. “When she isn’t acting like a bitch.”

“I’ll fire her,” He blurted out shifting on his feet awkwardly. “If you don’t like it, I mean. I’ll fire her. You have to come here, and I don’t want it to be unbearable.”

You turned to look down the corridor at the elevator. “Yeah, well, my work here is done. I need to get home.”

It’s funny how things like this work. One moment you’re a struggling college student and the next you’re a world-renowned photographer, loved by artists and models. Now you were in Japan taking landscape photos and plant photos for Do-young's new computer system, trying to find the perfect default screensavers. That day after you caught Doyoung, you got home and threw yourself into your photography, being able to get more fine art pieces out, before you esteemed Calvin Klein campaign you were shooting a week later.

Doyoung had said he wanted to come with you, that he would be arriving a day after you in Japan to help choose things to photograph. But it’s been four days in Japan and four weeks since you’ve seen him.  You figured like always that he was either busy with work or with one of his other whores.

But maybe they weren’t as dumb as you, breaking his first rules and actually starting to like him. This was a deal, a partnership, not a thing for you to break your heart over. He had money to throw away, which is probably why he was letting girls take his money so easily. He was in fact, despite what he says, a very, very lonely man. Even with all the girls on his side,, there was no denying there was a void inside his lonely heart.  Sometimes you asked yourself why you stayed with him. And then you realized that you had no desire to leave because you would be just as lonely as him.

When it read eleven PM on the illuminated digital clock, you knew he either didn’t care or simply forgotten. It was most likely the fact he didn’t care. You set the teapot on the stove of Doyoung's unused Japan vacation house and set it at a low heating level, letting the fruit tea settle in the sifter. You heard the door slam, and the familiar footsteps of Doyoung’s dress shoes. You turned around, his hair was disheveled, but his suit remained classic and elegant. He stormed towards you, passing the dining table and living room to get to the kitchen.

“I’m so so sorry Y/N,” He pushed you into the counter, brushing the hair from your face.  He was out of breath as if he just ran here. He kissed you suddenly. The smack of your lips filled the room as he continued to kiss you. And then he put both hands on your waist, steadying himself and his kisses changed, something you never got from him before. He kissed you slowly, passionately. His hands roamed up your body and cupped your throat, moving to your cheeks. “I’m so sorry.” Your arms tangled up around his neck, wanting it, wanting him.

“You’re always sorry,” You mumbled on his lips, kissing him slowly again.

“I mean it this time. I do.”

“Mmm,” You joked, letting him slip his tongue into your mouth. His fingers were like matches to your skin, even a graze lit you on fire.

You knew he didn’t love you back or even like you. But you didn’t care, you couldn't resist his touch. He pulls away softly, brushing his lips against yours again. It wasn’t sexual, no, it was innocent as if he was having his first kiss again.

“Doyoung what’s wrong with you.”

“Nothing.” He kissed your cheek, a defensive lilt in his voice. His kisses traveled down your neck towards your ear. “I just missed you so much.” You couldn't believe him.

“Are you sure? Where have you been?”

“I don’t know what the fuck is going on, but all I want right now is to fuck you. Can you do that?” He said a little annoyed. But you didn’t listen to the annoying part, you listened to how scared he was.

“Yeah baby, we can.”

In an instant, he grabbed the underside of your thighs, pushing you onto the counter and tearing your sweatpants down your legs. Trying equally as hard to pull off your pink panties you wore just in case for scenarios like this. He peeled your legs from each other and looked down at you, the most exposed you. He ran his dainty finger over your slit all the way to your clit. He looked pulled your legs above his shoulders, leaning down slowly and coming face to face with your heat. He kitty licked you slowly. You squirmed at the feeling, waiting for him to do more to you. He didn't always eat you out, he used it as a reward system, but you didn’t know what you did that was worthy of his reward. And then he pushed his head into you, his tongue darting deeper and deeper inside of you, licking up your wetness that he started to create.

In pleasure, you took a fistful of his black hair, pushing his head further, you could hear his muffled moans as you did. His mouth was placed gently of your clit, sucking and darting your tongue under the little hood. You bucked your hips into him, your legs beginning to shake against his broad shoulders. And then he pushed two fingers inside of you.  Gasping at the sensation, a high moan leaves your lips.  With every thrust of his fingers, you feel yourself reaching your climax.

“C’mon baby, come for me.” And just as he said that you came onto his fingers, your juices quickly being lapped up by his tongue. You were never good with polyamorous relationships, you got too jealous for your own good. You didn’t want anyone else being pleasured by Doyoung but you, and you wanted to be the only one to touch him. He pushed your legs off of him, glancing at you momentarily, before taking his lips onto yours.

“Do you want me to fuck you?” He whispered his breath on your lips. You nodded slowly, feeling him grab your thighs and lift you up in his muscular arms. You turned your head and glanced at the counter, there was still a small pool of come next to the stove, and you suddenly became hyper-aware of how wet you were. You could be dripping onto Doyoung right now, or even on the floor.  Nevertheless, he carried you to the Japanese bedroom.

The room was nearly pitch black except for the tiny leak of moonlight that spilled into the room. Something about him now was so gentle, the way he lightly set you down and watched you as he took off his clothes, peeling the black suit off his body. He did it early slow, observing your body furthermore. You sat up, waiting for him.

And when he sat down on the bed, fully naked except for his black boxers, you threw your legs on either side of him and got comfortable on his lap, continuing the slow, fervid kissing. He moaned into the kisses, his hands moving to your ass, to your hips, all over the place.

Ever so slowly, you place both your hands on his chest and pushed him down until he was lying on his back. You kissed and licked behind his ear, nibbled on his lobe, and kissing down his jawline to his cheek.  You could feel the beautiful man’s clothed member hit your bare pussy, and you wanted him, you had wanted him so many times before this. But now, you didn’t just want to fuck him, you wanted to make love. And although you didn’t know quite what that was, you thought you could do it with, you thought you could find it.

You kissed his bare chest, worshipping every part of his body you came across until you got to his boxers. You took his boxers off, sliding them down his legs while your head followed, kissing his thighs, the inside of his knees. And now that the boxers were gone, you were going to take what you wanted for a long time.

You put your hand on his shaft. Feeling it smooth and under your touch. You stroked it gently. Up and down. It needed lubrication and I had just the perfect thing. Beads of pre-cum oozed from his head, licking it up with your velvety tongue. Doyoung mumbled something in Korean, looking down at you and grabbing a fistful of your hair.

Circling it slowly in your mouth, you moaned on his cock, finally feeling it in your mouth after months. He was smooth under your tongue, probing the tip and igniting every nerve. You licked lower, beneath the head and all the way down to the shaft. You massaged his balls in your hands, and slowly took his laugh in your mouth.

He was a good six inches, but a thick six inches, which was probably why he felt so good. To you, there was nothing better than a thick above average sized cock. You bobbed your head, moving up and down, hollowing out your mouth. You wanted him to make you his favorite, nobody could do it like you.

He pushed your head down, you could feel the tip of his cock hit your throat eliciting a gag, but you regained a hold of yourself. And soon you weren’t in control anymore, it was him, pushing your head up and down along his cock. Moaning words of encouragement to make him come. Then he stopped, slowly sitting up, prompting you to mirror his actions. He let you steady yourself on his lap, holding onto his shoulders.

“You have the mouth of a slut,” he whispered into your ear. “In and out of my beds.”  He kissed down your neck and moved the strap of your tank top. “Take your shirt off, princess.” 

His fingers played with the hem of your shirt, helping you pull it out. Luckily you wore no bra and you were completely naked in front of Doyoung. He took your breasts in his hand, kneading them roughly as you moaned. He chuckled a little, capturing your lips and kissing you.

He took your nippled between his fingers, rolling them over and making them hard.

“You’re so sexy princess,” He whispered, bringing your nipple to his mouth and sucking on it slowly, holding eye contact. You grabbed onto his shoulders, throwing your head back and moaning.

His slender fingers traced around the area, grabbing your tit and sucking softly, moving to the other breast.

His mouth hovered over you, his hot breath washing over your just-kissed skin. He squeezed your nipple again, while he took the other in his mouth, with enough force so you barely had time to register the pain. He left a couple hickeys. His hand gliding over your side and look down at where your bare pussy met his pelvis.

“Are you going to ride me, princess?” You nodded, getting up on your knees and holding onto his shoulders so he could position himself to enter you. You didn’t ride him a whole lot, it was when he was at work sitting in his chair or tired, maybe even a little vulnerable that he let you ride him. It meant having you in control, and he didn’t like that. He was a CEO, he wanted to be in control.

A stuttered groan came from Doyoung, reaching for your hips guiding your up and down as you made out slowly. He kept biting your lips and squeezing your ass. He leaned back a little, watching his cock plunge deep into your pink pussy.

You sped up, harshly slamming down on his cock, prompting high moans, and low moans.

A guttural moan released from his throat, he through his head in your neck and kissed you there, pleasure clouding his actions as he groaned at the feeling of your pussy.  You loved how he acted when he was being pleasured, it was as if he couldn't take what you were giving him, he acted helpless, sometimes desperate.

You started fucking faster, Doyoung was meeting you halfway, slamming into your further, his thick cock stretching you out even more. You almost screamed, gripping on his shoulders and digging your nails into him. He moaned, flipping you quickly so he was on top of you.

“You’re marking me now?” He growled in your ear.

One thing he hated was being marked, that was one of his rules. Don’t mark him. You always thought it was because he was a businessman and he never wanted people to see it. But that wasn’t it. He must have liked being marked since he did it to you a lot, but even if you accidentally left bruises. “You can’t help yourself can you.” He took one hard thrust into you, making you whine out in pain and pleasure. You felt his warm seed fill you up a chain of profanities leaving his mouth. It came in spurts, one creaming into you, and the other shooting hard. His breath grew ragged and he whined out.

He gripped your hips. He wanted to fuck your harder. And he fucked you until you came, but he didn’t stop, he kept going, despite the fact he knew you had never gone farther when getting fucked with a cock. He increased speed as you held with him each thrust. He pushed into you so hard his breath got even shakier.

You were both panting, whining. Way over your breaking point, but you liked it. You wanted to come again. Even though Doyoung was at his wit's end, he wouldn't stop pushing himself until you came again, until you couldn't take his cock anymore. Your legs began to shake, they usually did whenever you had sex with Doyoung, and you came all over his cock. It was too much, he had fucked you to hard and too thoroughly. He pulled out of you slowly, watching your face relax.

You fell next to you, sitting up slowly and glancing over. You took heavy breaths, trying to calm yourself down.

“So I’ll see you tomorrow then. What hotel are you staying at?” You said, reaching over and snatching his black pants off the ground. He took them from you but didn’t make any advances to get up or put them on.

“Actually…” He said softly, reaching his long arms over to grab his boxers. “I think I want to stay the night.”  He glimpsed at you shyly, asking for some seal of approval.

“Why?” He was silent, getting up momentarily to pull his black boxers up his legs. “Doyoung, what’s wrong?”

You asked the questions knowing he wouldn't be able to answer the question. He wasn’t good at articulating his emotions. He didn’t like putting himself out there, he didn’t like feeling vulnerable or looking at it. But he just ended up looking vulnerable anyways, keeping everything bottled up.

“You’re the only one,” he said whispering.

He wiped the beads of sweat off his forehead, his face illuminated from the moonlight. “What?”

“I want you.” He said more firmly. “I want you.” “Again? I mean we can go for one mo—” “No,” he stopped you, looking into your eyes softly. “I want you.” You finally knew what he meant. That he wanted you just a little more than what he was getting. That this sex was good, but he wanted a little more.

“Do you like me?” You asked, seeing him nod no slowly. But you knew he liked you, he admitted right then and there. “Do you love me?” He looked away from you, a shaky sigh leaving his mouth.

“I—”

“You don’t have to say it… if you do, you don’t have to say it.”

Love is a beautiful and scary thing all at the same time. For someone like Doyoung, he’s never tied down, so feeling something like that was new to him. Saying it to someone was weird and otherworldly. It made him feel vulnerable and you knew that. Baring out your heart and soul might leave you prone and vulnerable to hurt and pain, but sometimes taking the risk and letting it all out is one of the most amazing things that you’ll be able to experience. Doyoung needed his time, and he didn’t need to say it to you for you to know he did love you. He showed by his actions. Like the beautiful pearl necklace he got, and the relentless sorries he would always give.

So as he got up, pulling the covers off the bed and slipping in right before you did. A whisper left his lips.

“Thank you.”

And that’s how you knew he did. That’s how you knew he felt the same back. That you weren't just fucking him all this time, you were making love.

[thesickpanda]

It’s the End of the World as we Know It (And I don’t feel fine)

Over a month ago I woke up with terrible pain in my back. For years we've been sitting on a broken futon so we figured that might be to blame. We could ill afford a new sofa at that time, but we really had no other choice. There was no comfortable chair for me to sit in and with the neuroma in one foot and a subluxating patella in the other leg, I need to sit a lot. So a few days after my spasm, a new, ergonomic sofa was delivered. It's been great. I'm incredibly grateful for it. But the back spasm? It hasn't gone away.

 I'm used to the aches and pains of Fibromyalgia but normally when I have a spasm in my back or neck, it's gone after a week or two, tops. The regular aches return but there's a difference in a spasm. It's a sharp, vice like grip that prevents me from bending at certain angles. It generally feels like I have something with sharp fangs latched into all my tissues, sinews and muscles that just won't let go. It sends electrical, sharp twinges up the rest my back, threatening to paralyse me. It's really unnerving, but beyond that, it's extremely debilitating. I booked to see my myotherapist and the soonest I could visit her was a few weeks away. I saw her on Monday and my glutes were so tight that after she'd massaged them, I came up in enormous purple and blue bruises. Seriously, my butt looks like a baboon’s.

 For one day my lower back felt a bit better and I didn't need to put a heat pack on. I've been putting on so many stick-on deep heat packs that my skin is red raw from the adhesive ripping off each night. Unfortunately, the pain returned with a vengeance only a day later. I'm struggling to do my core exercises which are essential for keeping me functional.  My Fibro is greatly worsened by being static and my subluxating patella becomes excruciating if I don't do my hip flexors and other exercises. But trying to do them on the exercise mat on the floor right now? Immensely painful. Certain back stretches that always used to help lower back pain are so difficult to do that I just burst into tears. And I know what I'm in for. I have low back pain. I have one of the vaguest pains that doctors absolutely revel in dismissing. I know that I will be sent off to one useless physio after another and because no one can “see” the problem I’ll be sent on a merry-go-round of tired old treatments I KNOW don’t work. This back forth with medical professionals will go on for months and thousands of dollars later I’ll feel no better. I know how this book ends because I know the medical system and its limitations intimately. It’s a lost cause.

 I do have a theory as to why this back pain will not go away, though. Along with the spasm, I've been incredibly stressed during my sleep. The cannabis I'm taking at night allows me to sleep for 6 hours, which is a massive improvement on no sleep at all due to pain. However, it works more like a pain distractor. The THC pushes me under into sleep mode, but I am clearly still in pain because I'm clenching. I'm clenching so damn hard that I have to wear a wrist brace at night to stop myself from cracking my wrists under my head. I wake up in the fetal position with my teeth gritted to the point that I now have trans-mandibular joint disorder, something else that is expensive to treat and that I now need to see a dentist for. Clenching so tightly for eight hours a night is likely doing in my back as well. Why am I so stressed? Oh, there are many reasons but the biggest one is bleedingly obvious to me:

 Eco-anxiety.

[Image description: a realistic image of planet earth, as seen from space, with fire burning across most of its surface]

It is very difficult to put into words how emotionally distressing it has been for Australians to be surrounded by smoke and fire for months. We were very lucky in our region of the Blue Mountains that the smoke didn't settle nearly as much as it did in Sydney. Sydney is in a basin and so the pollution just sits on top of it and they were copping it from the north and south coast fires as well as the ones raging on the northern and southern slopes of the mountains. But eventually, the smoke haze grew so large and so thick that it dumped on us too. A few days ago, air quality reached 12 times the hazardous level. And as Australian houses are designed like sieves and are not at all airtight or properly insulated, the smoke just comes in. On Wednesday, my eyes were red, my nose was running and I was coughing constantly. I was incredibly agitated because I couldn't breathe. I couldn't go outside, that was even worse, so after a long drawn out winter I haven't been able to enjoy late spring or summer thus far. This has given me intense cabin fever as I am an outdoors person and recharge in nature

 Apart from the stress of being cooped up inside a smoke filled house, I am also drained from being on constant high alert. I have the “Fires Near Me” app on my phone, which posts warnings if a fire has started in my local area; four have started in my watch zone in the past few weeks. There is a huge one raging in the upper mountains and dumping smoke on us. At any moment, we might have to evacuate. The mega fire (Gosper’s Mountain/Wollemi Park area) which is larger than the entire metropolitan area of Sydney is now burning on the northern slopes of the Blue Mountains, may cross over the road and start eating into the central park. If that happens, there will be a mass exodus out of the mountains towns, including mine. The new home we just bought? That might well burn to the ground. We had to over insure it because of the way property prices are forever escalating. It's so incredibly expensive and unbelievably stressful. We know all of this is happening because of climate change, and yet our leaders refuse to do anything about it. Oh, hopes and prayers are offered, sure, but policy changes and meaningful action? Ha ha no. Too many boomers in government for that.

 Climate change anxiety is real. With most other worries and fears, I can console myself or rationalise them away. But not this one. Normally when I am anxious, I exercise self-compassion and console myself with: “there, there, it's not the end of the world”. But that line no longer works, because the world as we know it is changing dramatically and terribly and it is only going to get worse. It is TERRIFYING. Eastern Australia took a sucker punch to the face with all the smoke and bushfire and suddenly everyone is very painfully aware of the real consequences unchecked climate change. Every day that I open my blinds and see thick haze covering the forest, I'm reminded of how little of that is now left. For the first time, the bushfires are not carbon neutral; because of the drought, it has been predicted that the undergrowth and trees will not be able to replenish themselves, meaning that all of that smoke is just adding millions of tonnes of carbon to our already warming atmosphere. The koala is now functionally extinct yet our government refuses to stop logging native forests. Millions of hectares have burned, unfathomable numbers of animals and insects and other biodiversity have been wiped out. Hundreds of homes have been razed to the ground, people have lost their lives. And we have been told that this is going to be the new normal. From now on bushfire season won’t just be summer, it will include spring as well. Heck, in some areas, bushfires started in late August, which is fucking winter. Our largely unpaid and under-resourced fire fighters are exhausted and spread too thin. They’re now saying to some people in regional and rural areas that they just need to evacuate because there’s no way the RFS will be able to get to them in time to defend their homes. And yet, homes are so hard to come by in Australia that people will give their lives defending their house.

 The news is constantly bleak. To go outside is literally toxic. To stay inside is toxic as well. I feel like the walls are closing in on me, and at night I take all that stress with me into bed. The only saving grace is that last year we bought an air purifier. Yesterday we had to spend another $300 to get a second so that I am not confined to one room of the house all day long and so that we can both, you know, breathe clean air when we sleep. (Don’t get me started on how clean air is now a middle class luxury. We’re lucky we could afford to buy one, and even then, only by using AfterPay… This is disgustingly unfair on the poor/disadvantaged).

 If this is our new normal I'm not sure that I want to live a long life. I am absolutely terrified of death but I am more terrified of watching the world burn to the ground around me as I age. I'm scared of what humans will be doing to each other once we run out of water and when there is no safe place to go. We like to think that we are okay in a developed nation like Australia, yet we may be one of the worst hit by climate change. With no rain, little arable land, tremendous heat waves (on Thursday Australia was the hottest country on earth) and super fires consuming millions upon millions of hectares, well….

 When I was reading about the TMJ pain and clenching, one of the primary treatments is addressing the underlying anxiety that is making you clench each night. I laughed maniacally reading that. Oh yeah, I'm clenching my jaw because I'm terrified of climate change destroying the world. How the fuck am I supposed treat that anxiety? Tell me how I'm supposed to do that?!

 So until the world somehow manages to fix itself, I guess that back spasm, jaw clenching and existential dread and anxiety are here to stay.

[Image description: panel one: cartoon dog sitting calmly in a burning room labelled “Australia”. Next panel is a close up of the dog saying with a smile ‘this is fine’. The dog is labelled “The Australian Government].

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #279

“she could kill you with a wink of her eye.”

Have you ever met a guy for coffee? No, I don’t like coffee. Do you feed your leftovers to your dogs? I don’t currently have any dogs, but when I did, it was very rare and (almost) only if he wasn’t begging for it. The only exception was chicken nuggets; Teddy loved him some chicken nuggets, holy shit. That and peanut butter he would always get so excited about. What tricks does your pet do? Neither my cat nor obviously my snake know any tricks. Do you believe in psychics? No. When you hear the name “Ginger” what do you think of? Jason’s fatass beagle. I wonder how she is a lot, she was a darling. What is the worst damage that your car has seen? N/A What was the last thing that annoyed you? Probably my chronic boredom. :’) How would your parents react if you got pregnant (or got someone pregnant)? Both would be extremely confused seeing as I’m not with a guy and absolutely do not want kids. Have you ever had a fight with your boyfriend/girlfriend’s mom or dad? Nope. Are you afraid of frogs? No, they’re Good. How would you react if a complete stranger complimented you? It depends on the compliment and how it’s delivered. If you sound genuine and it’s not creepy, it’s honestly really flattering and sweet, though I get really shy. Who was the last person to make you cry? Myself, technically, thinking too much about he who I shouldn’t, y’know. Do you have Facebook? I do. How would you react if you found out your crush had a terminal disease? God, I don’t want to think about this. I’d be absolutely crushed. Do you eat applesauce? I don’t go out of my way to get some, but sure, I like applesauce. What was the last pill you took for? It was one of my mood stabilizers. Are you in the hospital a lot? No, thankfully. What is your dentist’s first name, if you know it? I have no clue. Have you ever walked on the beach at night? Yes. Does your mother have any sisters? One. Do you read poetry/make it? I don’t really read it anymore, but once in five blue moons I’ll write one if I’m really inspired. Have you ever had braces? Yes, for way too long because we couldn’t afford to take them off. I think it’s why one of my bottom front teeth is angled back a bit. Your parents split; would you want to live with your mom or dad? My parents are divorced and I live(d) with my mom. Ever told your parents you were going somewhere but went somewhere else? To Mom, yes. My sisters and I were going to visit Dad and it was just easier back then to make something else up. Are you afraid of lifts? Elevators? Yes. Not terribly, but I’m not a fan. Who did you last talk to in person? Is that person attractive? My “other mom” Tobey; she brought me some groceries while Mom’s away. She’s Mom’s age though so no, I’m not attracted to her. She’s like family. Have you ever had a deep, personal conversation with a stranger? I mean, isn’t that therapy at first? lmao Let’s talk about the person you had your first kiss with. Do you still talk to that person? If so, do you still like them? Would you kiss them again? No; no, I like his memory; I fucking hope not. How many times have you cried over the person you love/like? A couple times. When was the last time you wanted to cry, but didn’t, because you didn’t want to show that you were upset? Why? I’m really not sure. What are three things that are guaranteed to make you smile, or put you in a good mood? Going on a car ride with me in shotgun to blare my music; seeing Mark laugh oh my FUCKING god; and seeing meerkats being cute. What is something in your life that you feel hopeful about right now? Nothing. What was the last thing you worried about that turned out better than expected? My first teletherapy appointment. What is a meal you eat extremely often? Or do your meals & food choices vary a lot? Chicken of some sort is very, very common. What was the last thing you changed your mind about? Ummm… good question. I know I have done this recently, I just can’t remember it… Who tends to show up in your dreams? Do you ever wonder if you appear in anyone else’s dreams? Jason is practically a staple. Mom is there a lot. And sure, doesn’t everyone? Instead of flat earth, what do you think of the simulated earth theory, that we’re basically all just a giant computer program or virtual reality? I think it’s possible, there really is some convincing evidence, but I lean more towards not believing it. What worries you most about your future? What the fuck I’m doing with my life. What is something you do to feel better when you’re scared? Deep breathing. Who do you feel you can count on the most in life? Is there anyone you wish you could count on more? Mom, and sure. When was the last time you shared a secret with someone, and how did they react? I’m not sure. Are you more likely to give advice or to ask for it? Give. What is the strangest book you have ever read? How did you find out about it? OH MY GOD, SUDDEN MEMORY. There was this book we read in elementary school about this kid who made everything he touched turn to chocolate and it was fuckin wild. Do you prefer to watch movies or tv alone or with other people? Is there anything you refuse to watch alone? Oh, absolutely with someone. Y’all know I don’t enjoy TV that much anyway. What was the subject of the last video you watched? I’m watching the VOD on-and-off of a WoW streamer I like. Who taught you the most valuable lesson in life and what was that lesson? Jason. Don’t let anyone but yourself become your main source of happiness and worth. Have you got perfect vision? Hell no. I’ve got glasses for a good reason. What colour is the door to your house? White. Would you prefer a pet rat, mouse, snake, lizard or spider? Snake. <3 Are you a good liar (tell the truth this time)? Yes. Do you like the smell of a barbecue or bonfire? Yeah, even though I hate barbecue itself. Do you think rainbows are pretty or overrated? Who the fuck thinks they’re “overrated”??? Rainbows are gorgeous. I think we can all agree on that. Are you more skeptical or gullible? Skeptical. How often do you drink sodas or fizzy drinks? LOLOL I DO NOT WANT TO ANSWER THIS QUESTION. Has anyone ever called you apathetic or unemotional? Considering I’m the polar opposite, no. Prefer being in control in a team environment, helping out, or taking orders? Help out. Do you like carrot cake? GIRL yes. Do you view animals as being just as important as people? Why or why not? Yes, because we have no greater right than them to be here. Hell, they’re probably more deserving with humanity’s selfishness. I’m aware as a meat eater there’s some hypocrisy here, buuut still in my heart I see them as just as valuable. What made you stop talking to the last person you cut out of your life? She made an absolutely infuriating, false assumption of my mother. Is there a situation or person you haven’t been able to get over/forgive? I’ve forgiven him. Forgetting’s a different story. What are you like during arguments? Regardless of the topic or severity, I will absolutely be fumbling over my words, stuttering, and find eye contact difficult. It’s definitely not rare that I’ll be crying. Where do you like to be kissed? WELL this depends on the mood y’know. What is more difficult for you, looking into someone’s eyes when you are telling someone how you feel, or looking into someone’s eyes when they are telling you how they feel? I dunno, both can be very hard. Think of the last time you were REALLY angry. WHY were you angry? Do you still feel the same way? It’s petty and I’d rather not give it the time of day. But I still am kind of angry, though I shouldn’t be. There is a fire in the back of the plane. You have enough time to make ONE phone call. Who do you call? What do you tell them? Why is this so oddly specific lol. But anyway, Mom, and that I love her. Would you rather be hurt by the one you trust the most or the one you love the most? The one I trust the most. Think of the last person who you know that died. You have the chance to give them one hour of life back, but you have to give up one year of yours. Do you do it? Why or why not? No, because she was miserable. When was the last time you told someone HONESTLY how you felt regardless of how difficult it was for you to say? Who was it? What did you have to tell the person? I don’t know. What do you think would be the hardest thing for you to give up? Why would it be hard to lose? Sara. Her friendship means a fucking lot to me. Excluding romantic love, when was the last time you told someone you loved them. Who were they to you? Yesterday to my mom. Are you old fashioned? HA, definitely not. Have you ever gone up to a car thinking it was yours and tried to get in it? Oh my god yes. What’s your most irrational fear? There are plenty of them that I have. Whale sharks lmao. Musicals: yay or nay? I can’t help it, they’re always cheesy to me. Do you play the games on MySpace/Facebook? No. When was the last time you were sunburnt? A few years ago when I went to the beach with Colleen and her fam. It was actually to the point of being sun poisoning. No words for how painful that shit was. How many times have you re-pierced a piercing yourself? Never have, never would. I’m trusting a professional with that. What’s your favorite band? Ozzy Osbourne, of course. :’) How often do you pray? Never. Have you ever hugged someone for over a minute? Yeah. Would you ever get a tattoo on your collarbone? I already have one but am getting it covered with something else eventually. It just doesn’t really apply to me. Do you wake up cranky? Not usually; I’m usually in my best mood in the morning. Are you an official couple with the last person you kissed? No. Who was the last person to hold your hand? I don’t recall. What do you miss most about your ex? Define which ex. Are you attracted to the last person that kissed you? Yeah. Do you and your last ex hate each other? We’re best friends lmao. Have you ever regretted kissing someone? Yes. Are you faster at text messaging or typing on the computer? Absolutely typing on the computer. I make typos while texting too much. Has anybody ever told somebody one of your secrets? Probably. Have you ever kissed anybody who had a mustache? Yes If you were famous do you think you could handle the popularity? Nooooo no no. Have your parents ever told you about their love lives, and any previous relationships they had before they met? I’ve heard small stories about past relationships. Do you know anyone that’s gotten an abortion before? Yes. Have you ever been arrested? No. Who’s the last person that gave you roses? Tyler. Who’s the last guy you texted? My dad. What about the last girl? Sara. When was your first real relationship? From age 15 to 19-ish. Have you ever cried over an ex? I have PTSD stemming from one of them so guess lmao. Do you ever think about your ex and cry? ^ Have you ever cussed someone out? I remember one occasion at my sister’s stupid fucking ex. What’s the most trouble you’ve ever gotten in with your parents? Hm, not sure. Is there something really bad that you’ve done, that only YOU know about? No. Do you have a lot of secrets? Not really. Have you ever made out with someone who was just a friend? No. Have you ever told someone’s deep, dark secret? No. “Your secret it safe with me” is something I’m hardcore about. Have you ever pushed someone into a pool? I don’t think so, no. Do you have a super-secret hiding place and what’s in it? No. Have you ever you shop lifted? No. What state (or country) do you live in? North Carolina. Are you listening to music right now? Yes; 3TEETH's cover of "Pumped Up Kicks." I have fallen in LOVE with them. What is your newest favorite website? I don’t think I’ve really had a “new” favorite website in like eons. Do you have embarrassing memories of stupid things you've done? You have no fucking idea. I still remember things that embarrassed me in pre-k. What was the last thing you cooked on the stove? Scrambled eggs, I’m sure. What color Christmas tree do you want when you have a house someday? BLACK. BLACK WITH FAUX SNOW. How fucking gorgeous would that be??? Have you ever had to use an epi pen? No. Do you know the names of 3 of your neighbors? No. I only know the name of one. What was the last thing you cooked that you burnt or cooked for too long? I’m unsure. If you could have a car in any color, which color would you choose? ANY color? Pink. What was the last grocery store you shopped at? Walmart. What was the last type of milk you drank? 2%. Do you plan to vote in the next election? Yes. I believe silence speaks for the evil in situations like this, and I’m done doing that. Thooouuugh I gotta educate myself on the candidates… What was the last act of creativity you displayed? Writing. What is the last thing you charged? My laptop. Who was the last person to upload a picture with you in it? I don’t know, been a long time. Do you like peas? NOOOOOOOOO. It’s funny, according to Mom, I loooved peas as a baby, but now I’m just like… can’t relate. Do you ever wear sleep masks when you sleep or shower caps when you shower? No. Which friend are you most similar to? Sara and I are very similar. Your ex calls wanting to hang out. What do you say? Well Sara is many states away so like,,,, we can’t unless I wanna buy a plane ticket lmao. If it was Jason, I pretty much know I’d say yes like a fucking idiot. If it was Girt, it’d be a yeah, we haven’t hung out in forever. Do you have alcohol in your house? No. Have you or anyone you know been to rehab? I’m sure someone has. Have you ever swung on a tire swing? I think I have at least once. What’s a discontinued product you wish they still made? Damn, I know there are some, but they’re not coming to me. Have you ever been involved in Facebook drama? Yes. Actually told a motherfucker off a few days back that claimed there was “something wrong” with Breonna Taylor and her death was justifiable. I. Went. The fuck. Off. Then everyone joined in. :D Do you have anything against women who choose to be stay-at-home-mothers? No?????? The fuck?????????? Have you ever kissed someone with a beard? Not a lengthy one. What gaming consoles do you own? PS2, Wii, GameBoy Advance, Nintendo DS Lite, my laptop, and uhhh I think that’s it. Have you ever been so sick you had to be taken to the hospital? Well, mentally sick. Do you know any lesbian couples? Yes. Did your parents monitor your internet usage when you were a teen? Yes. Well, Mom did. Is there anything in the USB key slots in your computer/laptop? Yes, the thing that communicates with my wireless mouse. What advertisements are on your screen at the moment? None. Was there ever a time when you felt absolutely terrified? If so, why? I can’t describe how terrified I was the night of the breakup. It felt so unreal, and I was so certain my life was over. Then there was an occasion where my dad picked my sister and me up from school and he was in an AWFUL mood; he was speeding like a motherfucker and running red lights. I absolutely thought a we were going to get in a wreck or die. Then I have anxiety and have experienced panic attacks, so… guess lmao. Who’s one person who changed how you viewed something? One of the most profound in my life is actually Rhett and Link as well as Hannah Hart. When I started watching GMM, I was actually still homophobic, but gradually I started to ship the fuck out of those angel boys despite it. I started questioning my viewpoint, and finally, on their podcast where Hannah was the guest, telling her personal LGBT story, it just clicked how disgustingly wrong I was. When was the last time you went to a bar? I’ve never been to one. Why did you last see the doctor? I’m going to assume you mean a doctor for physical reasons, in which case I went in to talk about if I qualified for a sleep study regarding my nightmares, only to be told that because my actual doctor was absent, she could do nothing. Sooo Mom and I walked in pretty much just to pay someone to say “wait.” How do you spend the majority of your free time? Something on the computer, I’m sure. Lately, what I’ve been doing most is playing WoW while watching/listening to something. List the cards in your wallet. I don’t care enough to look. Not a lot. What was the last thing to inspire you? Ummm idk. How has COVID affected you? It really hasn’t, other than giving me anxiety regarding my mom as she is in the “of most concern” demographic, if you will. We don’t know if her cancer is gone yet due to the whole emergency trip to NY. But yeah, I personally leave the house like… never, so my daily life hasn’t really had any deviations. What is a comfort show of yours? Hm. I share enough that I’m not a TV person, so I don’t really seek out a show when I need comfort. But I guess if I was sitting there with the remote and I was really down, I’d be happy to find That ‘70s Show. Do you think we were put on this earth for a reason? As I believe *some* sort of greater intelligence is responsible for the universe, I like to think so. But if not, make your own reason. What is something you have done this year you’re proud of? I’ve been home alone for over a month now and am somehow doing okay, taking care of the house and myself. Animal Crossing , yay or nay? I’ve never played it. Not of my interest in games. Do you think breaks are toxic in a relationship? “Breaks” are bullshit. You’re either together or you’re not.