#I haven't been eating enough recently so I had to stay up last night making soup

[neverendingford]

.

[uranometrias]

my love mine all mine , aaron hotchner

this is incredibly self indulgent. i wrote this for myself, because my cat passed away today && i have no idea how to grieve correctly. but i've always been able to express myself the best through writing, so here i am trying to do so.

basically reader loses her kitten && hotch is there to comfort her while she grieves. reader is a doctor && gets her nails painted. mentions of sleeping in a scarf and braids (but this can apply to any race <3) hotch is pretty flirty. he also had a dog that died when he was younger (idk) ... i'm still getting used to writing him (but he's been rotting my brain) so hotch girlies please be sweet to me, i'm trying.

"Have you decided what you want me to grab on the way?" You feel giddy, eyes beaming vibrantly as you unlock your front door. Aaron was on the other line, he'd been looking forward to spending the evening with you for the past two weeks. Your jobs often sent you in separate directions, with him following cases cross country, and you spending nearly twenty hours a day working at Inova Fairfax Medical Campus. The commute was nearly an hour from Quantico, which made it difficult for your schedules to coincide the way you hoped.

Today though was an exception. He'd just gotten back from a case, a successful one, and you'd been lucky enough to finally get two days off. You couldn't contain your excitement when you'd finally managed to get Aaron on the phone, and with Jack staying at Jessica's for another night, it seemed everything was working out in your favor. You still had no idea what you were in the mood to eat, despite having ample time to figure it out. "I dunno." you mutter, and you drop your keys into the basket just to the left of the front door.

"Well honey, you've gotta give me something." Aaron chuckles, and his voices makes you feel warm and fuzzy on the inside. "I'm sure you haven't anything at all today." and it doesn't take a rocket science to know he's absolutely correct. Your stomach grumbles audibly, and you cringe, the sound a dead giveaway of your poor eating habits. "Do you need a bit more time to think about it?" he asks, and you're nodding your head, despite the fact that he can't see you. Your focus is split, eyes darting around your place in search of Piper.

Piper was your five year old tabby, the most special companion that you'd cared for since she was a newborn. Usually she'd be making her way to your front door, nudging her head against your shins, meowing her head off as some form of reprimand for being gone too long. Her absence was unusual, but you'd noticed she'd been sleeping a touch longer in the recent months. You'd taken her to the vet and they'd written off any life threatening illnesses. Perhaps she was jus becoming a lazy cat they had said.

"What'd you eat yesterday?" you ask, and you shrug off your coat next, hanging it in the closet as you slip off your cork-leather clogs. You admire your pedicure, French-tips gleaming back at you as your feet hit the cherry laminate flooring. You imagined that he'd hardly been able to eat well while out on a case, Aaron (and his team) had a horrible habit of neglecting their own health and wellness for the sake of cracking the case. You'd call him out on it, but it'd feel to hypocritical with the way you gave most of your life to the hospital.

"Four cups of coffee." and he sounds sheepish as he replies, he'd been running himself ragged with this last particular case. He couldn't leave the precinct until he was convinced he'd made a dent in the investigation. He could imagine your disappointed pout, but he was doing his best, or at least trying his best. "But, Dave made sure that I got something this morning before we got on the jet." and it's not like he has to explain himself to you, you'd never berate him. He believed it was just a side effect of falling for you.

"Four cups?" you gasp, head already shaking. "You're going to turn into a cup of coffee if you keep up with habits like those." you scold. "You'll have to double your water intake, you could seriously dehydrate yourself that way." you say with a quiet huff. You round the corner of the foyer, heading for the kitchen. "Are you feeling alright?" your tone grows a bit softer, "Four cups means you were really absorbed in the case. Everything okay?" you tread lightly. You weren't quite sure how he felt about you asking about his job.

"As far as endings go, I'd say it was better than most." he replies thoughtfully, clearly unfazed by your desire to probe. That makes you smile a bit, the obviousness of his trust for you. "We minimized the amount of deaths, the unsub was taken into custody... the team worked really hard." he proceeds, and you find yourself grinning. "But, I will do a better job of taking care of myself. You'd be a good nurse, but I can imagine a few better scenarios for you to take care of me."

You smile despite the fact it makes your heart stutter step. You were still getting used to him growing more confident in this way, but you weren't complaining in the slightest. "I'd be a great nurse." you correct him delicately, "I'd enjoy taking care of you in any way though." and you bet he can hear your shyness through the phone. Your relationship with Aaron still felt fairly new, you'd been seeing one another for going on seven months, but you knew you loved him.

Even if you hadn't managed to say it just yet.

"Look at that, another thing we have in common." he exhales, and you want him to hurry up and get to you. You hadn't seen him in so long, and despite the fact you were willing to mount him on sight, you just wanted to enjoy being in the same place for once. "How are you? Did you have a good day?" and you like the way he's so attentive, how he seems to genuinely care about what you had to say.

"It was great." you insist, and you've poured yourself a glass of water, ice tinkling as you scanned the dining room for any sign of Piper. Still nothing, weird. "I went to the bookstore a bit earlier, got a few novels for my book shelf." you list. "I got my nails done, and I got a facial. It was so relaxing I wound up falling asleep on the table." and you chuckle a bit at the memory. "Piper and I went on a drive before lunch, she's so spoiled." you add, but you're still scouring the space.

"Drafted up my budget for the month, my new schedule came in," you exhale tiredly at the thought. "Picked up my scrubs from the dry cleaners, I did a grocery run, and went to see the flower exhibit near the Farmer's Market. I got this really incredible soft-pretzel croissant." you sigh dreamily at the memory. "And now I'm home, and waiting for you." you complete, and you lean forward, arms resting against the countertop. "It was a really nice day. I thought I wouldn't know what to do without work, but I'd nearly forgotten what it feels like to be off."

Aaron's silent, but not because he's disinterested in your ramblings. He finds them endearing, and oftentimes had to remind himself that you, much like Jack, needed verbal response in order to feel heard. "I missed you." and it's not quite what he was aiming to say, but it's what comes out. It's true, it had been a while since he'd seen you in person, and with the way your schedules overlapped, he'd hardly been able to get much conversation out of you apart from quick check-ins in between patients and breaks in BAU cases.

You let out a quiet puff of air, it's not quite a sigh nor an exhale. Your lips curve upwards, and you wonder if there's a record out there for most smiles achieved in a single phone call. "You've got no idea how happy that makes me." you reply, and you inhale deep. "I missed you too, hurry up and get over here." you press, and you replay the sound of his responding laugh over in your mind. You don't think you could be more lovesick, but it's a more than welcomed feeling. "As far as dinner, why don't I just cook something?" you offer with a shrug.

"Do you want to?" and Aaron's got this weird thing about him where he's still getting used to the fact that you want to do certain things for him. You go over it a lot, reminding him that you'd love nothing more than to spoil him as much as he spoils you. He's still a bit hesitant, but you don't mind fighting the good fight until he relented. His hands tighten just slightly on the steering wheel, and his leg jumps as he awaits your response. He knows, or better put, he has an idea of what you'll say. He still wants to hear it either way.

"We take care of each other, mon amour." You coo, and he feels that familiar rush of affection towards you. "It'll be fun." you add, and then you're sighing audibly. "I just really can't wait to see you. I don't want to wait any longer than I need to." you express, and Aaron understands. He'd been restless on the jet, Dave and Emily seemed to zero in on his jitters, he was thankful they had enough couth to keep it to themselves. All he received was a knowing smirk from Rossi as he made a beeline for the tarmac the second the jet landed.

"I'll be there soon." he promises, and you grow giddier. "I-" and he wants to cross the line, mutter three worded phrase that would change everything. He'd been learning to be more bold, to focus on the things he could control, and appreciate those things. "I love you." he doesn't have time to think about the repercussions, because it's out, and there's a strong sense of relief that washes over him. You are surprised, but elated. The excitement his words bring you is hard to diminish.

"I love you too." and it comes out as easy as breathing. Probably because you mean it with all of your heart. "I'll see you soon, Mr. Hotchner." you promise, and he's chuckling at your sudden formality, likely a side effect of your newfound nerves at the huge step you'd both taken in your relationship.

"See you soon." you don't bring the phone from your ear until you hear the faint click of the call ending. You exhale shakily, mind running at a mile a minute as your heart seems to double in size. Still, you find this moment is short lived- mind once again on the eerie silence in your apartment. You place your glass down on the counter, coaster be damned as you make your way past the dining room and towards the living room. Sometimes you'd find Piper curled up on the couch, quiet purrs escaping her as she slept contently.

"Piper!" you coo, surprised when you note that she's nowhere to be found. You know that she wasn't outside, you'd made sure before leaving back out that she was comfortable in the house. You follow the layout of your place, the archway that led from the living room back to the foyer is the route you take, heading towards your bedroom as you continuously call for the cat. "Piper, where are you, pretty girl?" you enter your room, hopeful that you'll find her there.

You spot her little paw peeking out of her hideaway and instantly relax. "Oh Piper, you scared me." you let out a shaky sort of giggle as you fully enter your bedroom, feet brushing over the comforting carpet. You kneel just in front of the hideaway, reaching out to pet her. It takes you a few moments to make peace with the fact that she's not rousing. You swallow thickly, a lump growing in your throat as you wiggle her paw. She doesn't move, just as limp as before.

"Piper?" you feel the way your throat constricts, eyes immediately wanting to brim with tears, as you grow frantic. "Oh, please no-" you exclaim, head shaking as you feel a shudder rack through you. You're gentle as you maneuver around the hideaway, hands looping around her small body as you move to pull her out. She's limp, not even the act of you lifting her up enough to make her move. Your glow feels like it's diminished almost instantly, a dark cloud setting in over your head. It seemed a bit silly, panicked over the loss of a cat.

But she was yours, like a daughter to you in the way you cared for her, and made her apart of your routine. She was special, and despite the reputation cats gained for being standoffish and unable to understand human love, you knew that to be wrong. Piper was sweet, a loving cat that curled up beside you every night and followed you like a second shadow. She'd play games of tag with you, chasing you around your apartment as you squealed and screamed for your life.

"Please, please, no-" you're shedding real tears now, they're slipping down your cheeks in a constant succession. "Piper, please wake up!" it's silly, probably. Rocking back and forth with a dead cat in your hand hoping that sheer adoration will be enough to turn back the hands of time. It's certainly not, and the reality crushes you. The first sob is choked, almost like you're holding yourself back, not letting your feelings take full affect. You hadn't prepared yourself at all.

You didn't know what to do.

You think that's when the first swell of sobs begins. They're more ugly wails than anything else, the loud sound echoing through the space in front of you as your arms lower, Piper's body leaning against you as you continued to let your tears flow freely. Your chest tightens, constricting every couple of seconds like you'd suddenly developed chronic heartburn. The pain is a violent assassin, the air around you feeling tight. You think you may be choking on all that you're feeling.

You hate the part of your brain that was constantly in 'Doctor Mode', the side that reminded you that despite your grief, handling a deceased animal like this was a surefire way to get sick. Her body wouldn't start to decompose for at least another day, but you had no real way of knowing just how long she'd actually been dead. You don't move though, until at least your sobs have waned, you know it's not the end of them, but it's a reprieve just for a moment.

You slowly climb to your feet, still clutching Piper as your eyes whip around your bedroom. Your eyes land on her carrier, and the image makes you want to cry all over again. You shut your eyes, allowing yourself to take in a deep breath. It doesn't help. Still, your feet lead you over to the carrier, where you're gently placing Piper. Her vet was only eight minutes up the street, and maybe your ability to dispose of her so quickly was precisely why this was happening to you.

Guilt was loud, too loud. It almost knocked you to your knees as you imagined Piper's fear whilst you were gone. Was she sick? How long had she been? Why hadn't you noticed? Why did you leave her alone? Why weren't you there? You let her down. You had let her down.

You want to curl into a ball, hide under the blankets and cry until you passed out. But, she deserved better. She deserved to not be lugged around like she was some prop, she needed a proper place to rest. Once her carrier is zipped up, you're picking it up by the handles, using your other hand to swipe at the tears still trying to fall. You take the route you'd walked not ten minutes prior, slipping your shoes back on, and grabbing hold of your keys. Aaron still had another forty minutes or so in his drive, you hoped it went by quickly.

You don't think you ever needed him more than now.

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The sobs returned the second you'd walked past the threshold of your house. You sluggishly made your way back to your bedroom. It felt much lonelier now, the house feeling much too big for just you. You think that makes you cry even harder. You're covering your mouth with your hand, hoping that it would be enough to mask the sound of your bawling. You doubt that it does, but you can't do much else. You don't want to go to sleep, you don't want to do anything.

You begin berating your behavior once more in your head, replaying all the ways you'd been a shitty caretaker even though you know it's a bad idea. Your leg shakes under your comforter, the blanket squished underneath your body as you hid your face beneath the blazing heat of your huge blanket. You don't even realize how long you've spent in this space of self-loathing and bitter tears, until you hear the front door's lock shifting out of place. Aaron was here.

"Y/N, sweetheart?" and you want to run to him more than anything. You can't though, because you don't want him to think you're a failure. So you stay put, and you cry a bit more, sniffles growing more audible as you're forced to choke back angry sobs. It doesn't take long for him to make his way towards where you are, and you don't know what he'll say when he finds you looking a mess. You know your mascara has given you racoon eyes, and in your grief, you'd failed to tie a scarf around your head. Your braids would look messy soon.

"Y/N?" and his voice is so soft, soothing, everything you don't deserve now. Your hand clutches a fistful of your shirt, right where your heart rests. "Are you in here, honey?" and you sniffle, an answer all on its own. You barely hear his footsteps, but you feel it when the bed dips just slightly, and you feel it when he gently pulls at your blanket. When he's pulled it back, he's met with the sight of your tear-streaked cheeks. Your nose was runny and raw, and your lip was quivering. It didn't take a profiler to know that you'd been crying, and he frowns.

"Are you alright?" he questions, and his hand reaches out to brush against your cheek and neck, almost like he was checking your temperature. "You've been crying?" and he examines you subtly for any signs of assault or struggle. "Did something happen?" and he knows he keeps asking questions, but he's getting worried.

"P-" and a sob racks through you, your entire body curling in on itself. Your hand is pressing against your mouth again, and your shoulders shake as you began to cry once more. "Piper she-" and your head shakes, hand clenching and unclenching against your shirt. Aaron's eyes dance around your room, and his eyebrows push inwards. He was worried, but determined to be extremely delicate with you, namely by being patient as you got out what you needed to tell him. "Piper's dead." you finally say, shoulders sagging as you weep.

Aaron's examining your face, which gives you a front row seat of the way his face is eclipsed with compassion. "Oh, honey..." his lips pull downwards into a frown, and you know, of course you know it's awkward. What do you realistically say to a person that loses their cat? It's not like any amount of conversation would bring her back. "I'm so sorry...." and usually it sounds empty when anyone offers condolences, but like with most things, Aaron is an exception. "Are you okay? Can you tell me what happened?" he pleads.

And you know that he knows that you're not okay. It's meant to be a stupid question, the obvious one. But you also know that he's giving you the chance to vent, to articulate everything you feel with no judgement. It makes you want to curl into him, and stay wrapped up in his arms until neither of you had any idea where one ended and the other began. "I just-" you have to take a moment to gather yourself, hiccupping blubbers escaping you. "I came home, and I-" your voice cracks harshly. "She was just gone. I don't-" you shake your head.

"I don't know what happened." you express, and Aaron's sympathetic, and he hates seeing you like this. Every time you cry it makes the hairs on the back of his neck stand upright. He supposed that came with loving you, an innate desire to protect you, and keep the bad things out. He'd only ever seen you in this state a handful of times, mostly when things went wrong at the hospital and you lost a patient. He had to get to you before you started blaming yourself for something that completely out of your control.

He didn't know much, but he did know your love for Piper, and how deep it ran. He knew without a shadow of a doubt that you'd never do something to put her in harm's way, you'd never do anything to hurt her. And he wants to pull you into his arms and tell you everything will be alright, he wants to be there to anchor you down. To ground you in the midst of all these swimming and overwhelming emotions trying to fight for the upper hand. He wanted to be there for you.

"Is there anything that you need from me?" he asks gently, grief was harsh, it came in ripples and waves. It was gut-punching, it could be loud and then silent. Sneaky and then outright. It was a process, and whether anyone else thought so, if you needed to grieve the life of your pet, you should. Who was he to ever get in the way? He's gently rubbing his thumb over your cheek, your tears splattering as you kept the duvet pulled up to your chin, as you stared him down. He figured you must have been deep in thought.

It takes a moment for you to reply, and he's fine with the silence. You're tears haven't stopped, but they've grown more quiet. Silent tears that pool and trickle down his wrist and onto the blanket. You soon take in a shaky puff of air as you sit up. Aaron's patient as ever, watching as you pull your legs from underneath the blanket, crawling until you were sitting on his lap. There's no sexual undertone to your movements, you don't want to fool around, you just want to be close.

Your head rests against him, eyes closing as his arms envelop you. "Can you just stay with me?" you ask, and he's already nodding his head. You both knew it was an impossible request. At any moment you could get paged, or he could get a call about a new case. The world didn't stop all because you were grieving, but for one second you both could pretend. He could stay right here with you, and you could love him, and not feel so overwhelmed by all your sadness.

"I'm not going anywhere." he mutters, and he's reaching for your hand. His easily dwarfs your own, but it's still just as comfortable, letting your palms press against his own. "I have never lost a cat before-" and he's treading lightly, wanting more than anything to help you and not harm you. "But I did lose a pet when I was younger." he expresses, and your interest is peaked, just slightly.

"What type of pet?" you ask faintly, and you're squeezing his hand in your own. He knows that it's comforting you so he says nothing about the tight pinch of his fingers pressing together.

"He was a golden retriever actually." Aaron replies, "Nothing was particularly wrong with him. He was fed well, taken care of, treated like one of the family..." he proceeds, and you involuntarily hold your breath as you listen. "But one day he just... he just went." Hotch proceeds, "And when you're a little kid that's not in the best environment, a staple like a pet dog is important. Losing him was like losing the only bit of sanity I could cling to. Does that make sense?"

Your head nods, and you squeeze his hand again to show him you care. "And surprisingly enough, I found myself crying over it. Mourning this dog, an animal that was part of the family, but of course, was not my family member." he continues, and his chin rests on the top of your head. "The point is, him being a dog didn't make it hurt any less when he left. It's okay to be upset about Piper, she was important to you, special even." he whispers. "And you did a great job giving her all the love you possibly could." his eyes close then.

"I need you to know that it wasn't your fault. And keeping yourself up with thoughts of 'what ifs'." it's his turn to squeeze your hand this time. "And those moments where you... didn't want to play, or wanted to be left alone are not what she remembered when she passed on." he insists, and he won't take any arguments on the matter. "You gave her five amazing years, and whether science backs it up or not, she knew how much you loved her." he insists. "You might not believe it today, but I hope that you do in time." and he kisses your forehead.

It's butterfly inducing, and makes you cling all the more to him. "You're not by yourself." he adds, and you're glad to know it. You peel back, eyes locking with his, and they're glassy. You hate seeing such a grief-stricken look on his face, at your sake no less. It makes you lean forward and kiss him, in the hopes you'd manage to kiss it away. He kisses back instantly, and you're still sad, you probably will be for a long while, but you don't feel as lonely as you did an hour ago.

"I love you." you mumble the second you've pulled back, and this time there's no phone. His eyes are swirling with so many thoughts and feelings of his own, but you need him to know you mean it, and likely always will. You couldn't imagine anyone else being here with you like this now, nobody else that would care enough to grieve with you. He gives you a half smile, and kisses you once more, a much deeper kiss that makes you lightheaded and dizzy. Of course he had that effect.

"I love you too." and you're happy that he hasn't left you hanging. Your fingers trace his collarbones and cheeks, moving to cup his face with your right hand. You kiss him again, this time just long enough to get the message across. When you pull back, your head is finding it's place back on his chest, and his arms move up and down, rubbing gentle circles against your back, as he cranes his neck to kiss your head. It makes your stomach flutter, but it makes you want to cry too.

He leaves three gentle pecks on the top of your head, moving to kiss your cheek, before he's looping his arms around your waist with a palpable amount of admiration. He plants a sweet kiss on your shoulder, and mimic this action by offering him a kiss of your own. "Thank you." you exhale, and you mean it so wholeheartedly.

"You don't need to thank me, Y/N. We take care of each other, mon amour, remember?" and he recites your earlier words back to you. It makes you cling to him much tighter, tears returning to your lashline as Aaron pulls you even closer to him. "If you need to cry a little bit more, go right ahead. I'm right here." so you do.

Grief was a lot, it could be paralyzing, debilitating, and outright traumatic, but you knew even if it didn't feel that way now, in time you'd be okay. Part of you felt like you had Aaron to thank for that.

[0littleladybug0]

maybe if u are still taking requests, a cg!eddie or maybe robin x little readers first Christmas as a little babbbbbbbby

AHH YES OF COURSE!

Cg!Eddie Munson x Little!reader

Summary: Eddie makes sure that his first Christmas with his little one is as special as it can be.

Tags/Warnings: Age Regression, bottle feeding, reader is a small itty bitty baby, fluff fluff fluff, insecure reader for like a microscopic amount, somehow theres always spelling mistakes i cant find so ignore my poor writing and spelling

You had told Eddie about your regression for a fairly recent amount of time. It had only been a few months since he immediately took the role as your caregiver and you both enjoyed every second of it. No matter how many times you dealt with any insecurities about being small, he was there to reassure you how much he truly enjoyed taking care of you. 

Which is why he wanted to make this Christmas season extra special for his little one. 

He knew how much you loved Christmas and the holiday season, the whole appearance of Christmas and the lead up to it engulfed you in nostalgia and a certain childlike joy and peace. 

He made it his mission to make you feel as tiny as possible during the Christmas season, knowing that if big you loved Christmas this much, little you could only love it just as much. 

To say that Eddie spoiled you during the holiday season would be an understatement. He always took you out to go Christmas shopping, picking you up treat after treat (his rule about sugars and sweets quickly became less lenient as the holidays went by), and always made sure to pop in a christmas movie in his TV when giving you your night time bottle and cuddles before bed. 

Did you think it was strange that Eddie began to baby you a lot more than usual? Maybe a little. But you were too excited about Christmas to detect anything about your boyfriend's behavior. 

The whole week you had been updating Eddie every day on how close you were to the magical day, your advent calendar being your prized possession the whole month.

“Daddy!!” You called out from the living room of his trailer. 

Eddie rushed in, pot of mac and cheese still in his hand at the sudden call of his name. 

“What is it baby?” he asked, kneeling down to our level on the floor as you presented the calendar in his face.

“S’ one more day until Christmas Eve!” you excitedly announced. 

Eddie chuckled at your excitement and ruffled your hair. “That's right! I've got such a smart little one.” he praised planting a kiss on your cheek. In the time that Eddie has been your caregiver, you still haven't gotten used to how much little you loved praise, especially from Eddie. He couldn't get enough of how shy you would get at the sudden rush of red that would spread across your face, causing him to praise you any chance he got to see his baby happy. 

“Cmon, dinner should be ready soon, and I better not see that door open until after we eat, capisce?”  Eddie playfully warned. 

“Yes daddy.” You giggled, waddling over to the table as you awaited your dinner. 

Soon Christmas eve arrived and now Eddie understood what you meant when you told him how much you loved Christmas. Your Christmas jammies stayed on the whole day and Christmas music stayed on the radio. Eddie thinks putting you to bed that night was the hardest thing he ever had to do. Usually when you were having a hard time sleeping, he liked to put you in little space. He quickly regretted doing that last night when you refused to sleep in his room and stayed up on the couch with a flashlight, claiming you were waiting for Santa. 

When Christmas morning came you were just as excited as the past days and Eddie made sure to keep it extra special for you. 

It surprised him that you remained big the whole day, he assumed because Christmas was your favorite holiday, you would give yourself some time to regress and enjoy the Christmas cheer. He could tell you wanted to, but there was something blocking you. He made it his mission the rest of the day to destroy whatever was blocking his little baby from coming out. 

And as Christmas day began to come to a close, Eddie knew what he had to do. He sat you down on the couch, ordering for you to cover your eyes. 

You did as you were told, you covered your eyes with your palms as you awaited for your boyfriend to come back. You opened your eyes at the sound of his sweet voice., 

“Ok, you can open them now.” Eddie said, a cheeky grin beginning to spread across his face. 

You opened your eyes and saw another present in his hands. 

“Eddie, what's all this? I thought we already exchanged gifts this morning?” You asked, looking at him holding another present in his hands. 

“I know, but this is different. I know how much you love Christmas, and I love that you love Christmas, but I want little you to enjoy it too. I don't want you to have to hide during your favorite time of the year. I want you to be able to slip and feel safe knowing that I'll be here to take care of you. You're my little baby, and my baby deserves a good and happy Christmas.” Eddie confessed, pulling you onto his lap cupping one of your cheeks with his hand. 

His soft words almost brought tears to your eyes. No one has ever been as kind and gentle as Eddie in your entire life. 

“Really?” You ask softly, Eddie already seeing you slip the smallest bit. 

“Yes baby.” he lightly chuckled at your attempt to stay big knowing he had already one little you over. “Merry Christmas baby bear.” He smiled, handling over the semi poorly wrapped gift. Eddie was an amazing boyfriend and caregiver, but maybe next year he should leave the wrapping up to you. 

You gave him a cheeky smile, knowing that there was no way to stay big anymore as your little space quickly engulfed you. You began to tear open the wrapping paper, exposing a new box with a cute polar bear pattern scattered around the box. Eddie watched the way you bit your lips in concentration as you struggled opening your gift. Finally you had gotten it open with one final “Hmph” and Eddie swears he had never heard a cuter sound than your gasp of excitement. 

Inside the box he had packed you a whole gift basket with all of your favorite little treats, accompanied by a new bottle with snowflakes on it, a reindeer stuffie, a new onesie with snowmen on it, and a new red paci with a reindeer in the middle, lettered beads spelling out “Little Dear” on the handle. 

“Daddy, I love it!” you squealed at the new goodies in front of you. 

“You do?” Eddie asked, making sure he had bought everything correctly. Poor Eddie has been knee deep in finding you the perfect little gear, doing as much research as he could on the bestest brands and stores. His gift left him apprehensive up until you opened it, his worries melting away as soon as he saw how much you enjoyed your gift. 

“Yes daddy, I love it all! Thank you thank you thank you!” You squealed, hugging his sides tightly. He returned the tight bear hug, rubbing your back and planting a kiss on the top of your head. 

“What do you think, should we try out your new goodies?” Eddie asked, holding up the bottle in his hand and the onesie in the other.

You nodded excitedly. Eddie hadn't bottle fed you many times but it was always something you wished you could do more. Now with your new bottle, both you and Eddie were excited to incorporate it into your night time routine. 

Eddie slipped your new paci into your mouth as you smiled happily. 

“There's my little baby.” Eddie cooed, kissing you again on your forehead. He just couldn't get enough of you when you were little. Caring for you was his favorite thing to do ever. 

He picked you up from the couch, knowing that if he didn't carry you now, you would just start pouring on the couch until he did. Your legs wrapped around his waist as he held you on his hip around the trailer to his bedroom. He laid you down on his bed as he rummaged through his dresser. 

“Alright baby bear, do you want daddy to change you or do you want to do it yourself?” Eddie asked. You had seen eachother naked and changed in front of each other a plethora of times throughout your relationship, but this was different. You were just a little baby, and Eddie wanted to make you feel comfortable with everything. 

“You do it daddy.” You smiled up at him, kicking your feet as they hung from his bed. 

“Ok then, arms up!” he said, tugging your sweater uo our arms and off your body, making sure to give you as many kisses and raspberries on your sides and tummy as he could. He couldn't help it, he loved the way you giggled and squealed. He helped you into your new onesie and a pair of his pj pants. You argued that you didn't want to wear any pants but Eddie insisted that you couldn't just walk around the trailer in no pants. So when he offered that you could wear a pair of his, you accepted with your brows furrowed, but Eddie knew your fussiness wasn't serious. 

He picked you back up and carried you back to the couch. He wrapped you up in a thick and warm blanket and turned on the Christmas movie channel on the TV before going to the kitchen to warm up your bottle. 

He simply couldn't take his eyes off of you and how cute you looked wrapped up in his big blanket, the way you cuddled into your stuffy so gently and how adorable you looked with your new paci. Soon the microwaved beeped, indicating the bottle had finished as he took it out. He poured a drop on his wrist and licked it, testing the temperature to make sure it wasn't too hot for you. He nodded to himself as he approved the temperature and began to walk over to the couch. 

Your eyes were glued to the movie on the TV. You didn't even notice Eddie walking back until you felt the indent on the couch. 

“Ok, you ready baby?” Eddie asked. 

You suddenly became anxious and slightly self conscious. Because bottle feeding had been a new thing for the both of you, you still didn't feel as comfortable as you wanted with it. It was never Eddie's fault, he wanted you to be as comfortable as possible. And being the perfect caregiver that Eddie is, he noticed your change in behavior right away. He placed the bottle on the small lamp table next to him as he laid on the couch, his arms open inviting you in. You happily accepted, moving closer to his side as he held you. You both lost yourself in the movie for a while and Eddie assumed you had gone nonverbal throughout the minutes passing as your talkative state died down and he was left with a cozy and sleepy baby. 

When he found the time was right and you had calmed down, he reached for the bottle again. He softly took the paci out of your mouth and held the bottle, waiting for you to accept. Your eyes fluttered at him and in your safe and sleepy headspace, accepting the warm bottle of milk seemed like a dream. Your lips latched slowly and softly on the bottle as you began to drink. You tried to reach for the bottle before Eddie took them, tucking them back into the blanket and around your reindeer stuffie. “It's ok baby, I got it, you don't have to worry, daddys got you.” he reassured. 

As you kept sipping, you found yourself cuddling deeper and deeper into Eddie's chest, falling sleepier and sleepier. When Eddie found that you had finished the bottle, he gently removed it from your lips and placed the paci back in to avoid any fussiness in your sleep. He turned the small lamp off but decided to leave the TV on for soft lighting and background sounds to keep you asleep. He kissed your forehead once more and wrapped his arms around you. 

“Merry Christmas little one.” He whispered as you two fell asleep in each others arms. Neither of you would have wanted to spend Christmas any other way. 

[kevjrr]

Title: Bad Day

Summary: Neymar is having a bad day and he does not want company. He had made that clear but someone knocks on his door anyway. Spoiler alert: it’s Leo who just wants to help and Ney doesn’t mind one bit.

Pairing: Neymessi [Neymar and Messi]

Tags: Tooth rotting fluff, mutual pinning, very, very low key hurt/comfort

Third person’s POV

Neymar is having a bad day. Why? Firstly, Davi was supposed to come tomorrow but his flight got delayed because of bad weather. He understands, really he does, but he had so much planned as it was his day off and he could have spent the whole day with him. No interruptions.

Secondly, he woke up with the worst migraine known to men, causing him to mess up countless times in practice. To the point that even Masche had asked him if he was alright. His coach has never sent him this many dirty looks in a single day before.

And thirdly, there is a new rumor about him floating around. He has seen articles saying that he is apparently dating a Spanish model named Camila. He has only met her ONCE, at a party. He had merely shook her hand too, it was not as if he kissed her cheek or something. He has only recently broken up with Bruna. What are his friends thinking of him now?

So yes, he is having a bad day and for once, he does not want company. He is pretty sure his moody aura at training had made that abundantly clear, so why is someone knocking on his door? At - he turns to look at his clock - 9 pm?

Sighing, he chugs his glass of water in one go and goes to open the door, gasping when he sees who is behind it. It’s Leo, looking soft and cuddly in his oversized hoodie and sweatpants. His irritation flies out of the window. He can never stay angry at Leo.

On the contrary, Neymar wants to hug him and never let go. He swears that one whole night of cuddles with the man will be enough to solve half of his problems. Sadly, he does not think that Leo will be down for that.

"Ney? Can I come in?" The man in question asks.

"Yes. Yes, sorry." The Brazilian moves to the side, allowing him to slip inside.

"Did you tidy up? Your house looks neater than last time." Leo comments, looking around.

Neymar clears his throat, slightly embarrassed, "Uh yeah. It wasn't looking very...nice."

The Argentine does not reply to that, he only hums. Whether in agreement or just to show that he is paying attention, Ney has no idea.

He raises a brow in confusion when Leo does not walk towards the living room, he makes a bee-line for the kitchen instead.

"Where are you going?"

"You haven't eaten yet, have you? I'll cook something or do you want takeout?"

Neymar almost bumps into a wall in surprise. "How did you know that?!"

Leo opens a cabinet and takes a bag of spaghetti out before turning towards the younger man, "I just do. Takeout or should I cook this?" He asks again, waving the bag around.

Ney shakes his head to try to break out of his stupor. What does he mean by he just knows? There were even dishes in the sink from the day before.

He decides that it might be better not to question him.

"Take out. You don't have to cook-"

"Cooking, it is then."

"I just said-"

"Take out isn't good for you. And I asked what you wanted to eat not what I have or do not have to do. If you don't want me to cook solely because you think it'll bother me then I'm cooking because it does not. Not if it's for you."

Ney's jaw drops and his cheeks turn red. He is still not used to Leo's blatant favouritism towards him. Yes, 'favoritism'. There is no other way to put it.

For the past few months, he kept offering Neymar rides to their training centre and to his house. He would also offer to take him out for dinner or lunch or even ask him to come to his apartment to hang out. Alone. The older man would set up the Brazilian's favorite game and cook for him if he stays long enough. He has also been more affectionate, that is, hug him more often or simply linger a little more than strictly necessary whenever they accidentally touch each other.

The younger man does not know how to handle his idol, his crush -yes, he has a crush on him- sudden increase in interest and attention, so he usually just shyly goes with it. Ignoring the guys' curious looks ever time. Thankfully, none of them ever comment on it. Be it out of the goodness of their heart because they can sense that Neymar is as clueless as them or because meddling in Leo's business never ends well.

Don't get him wrong while the attention - dare he say, affection-definitely confuses him, he loves it. And he hopes it never stops. Sue him, he's getting used to it.

"Sit."

Neymar jumps in surprise.

"What?"

The Argentine chuckles and gestures towards the counter. "You should sit, instead of just standing there staring off into space."

“Do you want some help?"

"Ney, you can't cook." Leo deadpans, looking slightly amused.

"I can still help!" The taller retorts indignantly however he does not try to defend his -rather, lack of- cooking skills. He knows he cannot cook and he still has that annoying headache but this does not mean he is entirely useless. He can still cut up veggies or stir the dish.

"Just sit and relax, Ney. I got this." He replies, gently opening and closing drawers and cabinets in search of whatever he needs next.

Seeing him trying so hard to not make a lot of noise makes Neymar wonder if he knows about his headache too. No, that will be absurd.

Ney moves a can of tomatoes away before hopping on the counter. He opens his mouth but nothing comes out as he stares at Leo walking around his kitchen as if he owns it. He likes the idea of that. Of them sharing a kitchen. A house. Just the two of them owning an apartment together, waking up and going to sleep next to each other.

Ney winces lowly, thinking so hard is making his migraine worse.

Just on cue, Leo stops stirring and sets the spoon down. He then moves towards Neymar and places his hands on the counter, on either sides of the younger man's hips.

"How are you feeling?"

"I'm fine." He replies automatically. Trying his best not to squirm under the other man's intense gaze.

"You sure? Because you seemed to have a headache earlier. At practice."

"Wha-what? How-"

"You wanted to do indoor drills."

"So...?"

"You hate indoor drills."

Neymar shuts his mouth with a clack. He does hate them. And he has definitely made it very obvious with his constant complaints in the past, whenever they were forced to do them.

The sunlight was making his head hurt even more and he kept losing focus, so he decided that it was finally time to stop running away from those drills but connecting his insistence on doing them to a headache sounded like a stretch.

"Why did you think of a headache though?"

"You looked like you were in pain and you kept clutching your head. It looks like it's still bugging you, I'm sorry I didn't notice immediately. Do you wanr me to-"

"Don't apologize." The Brazilian pauses and hesitates for a total of one second before taking Leo's hand in his, squeezing it.

The Argentine gives him a relieved smile before breaking eye contact to look at their intertwined fingers. "I wanted to ask you about it earlier but you left so quickly."

"Oh. I'm sorry. I was just..." He trails off, not sure in how much details he was willing to go just yet.

Leo studies him for a moment. After seemingly finding what he was searching for, he lets go of his hand and pats his hips. Then, he backs away, going back to stirring. Neymar tries not to feel disappointed, he loved having him so close.

"Tell me if the pain increases, yeah?" He asks - demands - still looking at the dish.

Neymar breathes a sigh of relief. Not sure why he was even worried to begin with. This is Leo. Leo who will never force him to do anything.

"Yes. I'll tell you if it does."

"Good."

He smiles at the older man's approving tone.

"Are you sure you don't want help?" He asks when Leo starts to cut an onion.

"No, don't worry."

"Are you sure sure?"

"Yes, Ney. I'm sure sure." He replies indulgently, trying to hide his smile.

"Why don't you wash your hands? I'm almost done."

"Okay." He jumps off the counter and goes to wash them in the bathroom, not wanting to disturb the other man who's now filling a jug with water.

When Neymar returns, Leo was already sitting at the table with two plates of food in front of him.

He looks up when he hears footsteps

“Wait. Come sit beside me." He says when Ney starts to pull the chair across of him.

The younger man's eyebrows lift up in surprise but he obeys immediately. Happy to be able to sit closer to Leo."Thank you for the food!" He exclaims as he inhales the delicious aroma of the dish. Its making his mouth water.

"No need to thank me."

Ney smiles in response, his cheeks tinting red and takes a bite.

"It's so good." He borderline moans. The taste is divine, as always. Everything the elder man makes tastes absolutely delicious.

Leo ducks his head, suddenly feeling shy. "I'm glad you think so."

"Of course I do!" The Brazilian replies absentmindedly as he scarfs down the food.

"Slow down before you choke, Ney." The elder scolds, his ears red. Compliments from the other man always makes him blush. He was working on this problem but he hasn't been very successful.

"Yes. Yes." Neymar responds, smiling sheepishly, embarrassed.

They eat in silence, enjoying each other's company, before the youngest breaks it.

Ney can tell that Leo wants to ask him about why he was in such a bad mood in training, from his constant fidgeting and sneaky glances. He only fidgets when he's surrounded by too many people and is uncomfortable or because something is eating at him.

He is sure that despite wanting to know, the Argentine will not ask him about it. Simply because Ney had backed out of telling him earlier. After thinking about it, he wants to tell him. He wants to let it out. Plus, again, this is Leo and Neymar usually has no qualms on sharing everything with him.

The said man listens quietly, he does not interrupt once. Not even when Ney works himself up, the stress catching up to him. He just maintains eye contact with him, trying to provide him with silent encouragement and comfort. He wanted Ney to look let all of his frustrations out.

It's only when he's done that Leo moves. He takes the taller man into his arms and rubs his back soothingly.

“Shhh, it’s okay, Ney. Davi will come very soon and we’ll see if you can have another day off before he leaves, okay? I’ll help you ask. And none of us believed that rumor. No one that matters believe it, Ney. Promise.” He whispers into his ear, trying to get his point across. Leo hates seeing the usually cheerful Brazilian so down. It doesn’t suit him.

Ney sniffles, burrowing his head in the older man’s chest. “You’ll help?”

“Of course.”

“You don’t believe it?”

“No, Ney. Why else do you think that nobody asked you about it? We know it’s bullshit.”

Neymar giggles at his words, “You cursed.”

The older man smiles fondly. “Yes, I did.” He replied, kissing his temple gently. “And we are all allowed to have bad days, so forget about your mistakes in training. It’s normal to make them, I made some too and I didn’t even have a headache.”

Neymar lets his words sink in. “Okay.” He murmurs against Leo’s chest.

“You worried us today. Next time, don’t run away from us. Talk to us, to me. We don’t mind you being in a bad mood. At all, we just want to help.”

“I’m sorry for worrying you guys…you really don’t mind?” He hates how vulnerable he sounds with all of his questions and insecure tone. His need to confirm. But he needs to know, to make sure.

“Don’t apologize, just try not to do it again. And yes, Neymar. We, I, don’t.” Leo uses his full name, emphasizing how serious he is.

“I’ll try. Definitely.” Neymar promises, beaming up at the other man.

“Good. Now, finish your food before it gets cold.” He orders, pressing one last kiss on the younger man’s forehead. He cannot help but squeeze him tightly for a few seconds before letting go.

Ney does just that. Cheeks red and marveling at how easy it is for the older man to make him feel better. Even his headache is almost gone.

_________

And maybe, just maybe, Neymar gets his wish of cuddling Leo all night long fulfilled. No one can resist his puppy eyes after all, let alone Leo - who has no reason to even try to resist them.

[cryptidsurveys]

Thursday, August 29th, 2024.

Will you answer these questions as personally as you can? Yeah, sure, I'll give it a shot.

Why are you happy? I have so many reasons to be happy. All the way from the "big stuff" like having a safe place to live, enough food to eat and clean water to drink, people who love me, a job that gives me a sense of passion and purpose, etc; to things like the fact that it's cloudy today, I'm eating a yummy breakfast as I take this, I don't have a migraine, autumn is soon approaching, and so on and so forth. Sometimes I lose sight of the good because I'm too focused on things that are going wrong or stressing me out, but I try to routinely remind myself of everything that's going right or that does make me happy.

Who’s the last person you hugged? Nan. I mentioned her in a recent survey. She's a volunteer at the shelter who does heaps of our dirty laundry. I don't know where we would be without her…probably suffocating beneath a mountain of stinky blankets and towels. Anyway, I went out to greet her the other day and she was like, "You're always smiling!" and gave me a hug. :')

Would you pay someone to kill the person who hurt you a lot? I would never do something like that. I wouldn't even wish death on any of the people who have hurt me. However, if there was some magical way to guarantee that I would never encounter those people again…I might take it.

Do you like the song ‘Sick Little Games’ by All Time Low? I've never heard it before; lemme go take a listen… It's alright, but it probably wouldn't make it onto my nonexistent playlist.

Last night you felt? Grateful for the day. I went to the Mountain Park with my dad and it was such a relaxing and nostalgic time. You know when the weather has a certain quality to it and it brings up all kinds of memories? Well, it was like that. I was also relieved that I didn't have to go to the shelter the following morning. My last few "weekends" were busy and exhausting and I spent the last one with an on/off headache, so it's just been nice to have two full days of chillin' and feelin' good.

How are you feeling right now? Tired but relaxed. Introspective. Twinges of dread/nervousness about tomorrow, but for no real reason (everything should be fine). Loving this cool and cloudy weather with its promise of fall.

Are you drifting away from someone you were close with? No.

Is there someone you’d like to fix things with? Yeah.

Have you ever liked someone that treated you like crap? Ehhh.

What are you listening to? Esther purring. She's curled up behind me on the computer chair.

Have you ever stayed in a hotel? Plenty of times.

What is in your pocket? My pockets are empty.

Have a best friend? I do.

Does it bother you when your best friend does stuff without you? My best friend lives in California, so they're always doing things without me.

Do you keep any secrets from your best friend? They know most of my biggest secrets.

What were you doing 60 minutes ago? I had just arrived home from grocery shopping, made myself breakfast, and started browsing for a survey to take.

Is there a secret you’ve never told your parents? My dad knows pretty much everything. There are a lot of things I haven't told my mom and probably never will.

What’s something that can always make you feel better? Aside from partaking in my favorite hobbies and doing things I enjoy, it's usually time that does the trick.

What do you want right now? Ugh. I just realized that one of my kitties might have another UTI. She gets them occasionally, so she's going to have to go to the vet later. :'(

What would you name your future son? I don't want children.

If you had to eat 1 thing for the rest of your life, what would it be? Oatmeal.

How’s your life lately? Busy.

Last person to send you a text? My dad. I texted him on Tuesday to let him know I was on my way home from the shelter and he sent me a brief reply.

What were you doing at 8:00 this morning? Eating breakfast while taking this survey.

Did you have a good birthday this year? Yeah. It was snowy, I spent the morning at the shelter, then went out to lunch with my parents.

Have you done anything embarrassing lately? I'm embarrassed by it, but was it actually embarrassing…? Idk. When I see other people get upset or vent about Diane, I don't think, "Oh my God, how embarrassing." I'm more like, "FVCKING SAMEEE!!!" Talking to Iris (manager) about it was excruciatingly awkward, but it's probably all in my head. As a manager, she's probably used to dealing with issues like that.

Do you trust easily? No. But like I've been saying - I don't know how much of that is a "me thing" versus the fact that I spend a lot of time around people I find to be untrustworthy. Maybe I would open up a lot more in a different environment.

Do you like cookies n’ cream ice cream? Yeah.

How often do you raise your hand in class and answer a question? I'm not in school anymore, but in the past, almost never.

Ever been mistaken for someone else, and took it as an insult? No.

Would you get a mega bag of skittles, or three regular ones? I'm not a big fan of Skittles.

What color shirt are you wearing? I've got on a black t-shirt, a sort of slate gray/blue long-sleeve shirt, and a pine green sweater.

Is there a boy that would do absolutely everything for you? Not in a romantic sense, but my dad is always there for me.

Did you ever think you had the Swine flu? Possibly.

Who was the last person to smoke a cigarette in your presence? I smoke, but aside from myself, I'm not sure.

Who was the last person you talked to before you went to bed last night? My dad.

Are you a mean person? No. I can be mean (selfish, thoughtless, etc), but I don't think I exhibit those qualities to the extent that I would be considered a "mean person."

Does anyone hate you? Idk.

Do you usually tell people when you’re mad at them? I really only feel comfortable expressing anger with my dad and my therapist. When it comes to other people, I tend to stuff it down until I inevitably explode - which was what happened with the Diane situation. It probably took everyone by surprise, including me! It's not like I woke up that day planning to go all scorched earth.

This time last year, can you remember who you liked? No one.

Will this weekend be a good one? I hope so.

Have you ever liked someone older than you? Yeah.

Are you mad at someone right now? Ehhh.

[jj-the-writer]

Day 4 @kelbreyweek:

Omori spoilers!

Free Day.

On a nice summer evening, Kel, Aubrey, Sunny, Basil and Hero had arranged to meet at their usual spot for stargazing.

Aubrey made it first, and as she was about to wait for the others she sat on the dock that looked at the lake. She felt her phone buzz so she decided to check her messages. As it turns out, Sunny had caught the flu from his mother. Basil texted that Polly had to go to the city for his grandma's meds and he shouldn't leave her alone. Aubrey let out a sigh but she waited for Kel and Hero.

Soon enough Kel arrives on his own, Aubrey asks about Hero and he says that their parents left for some business they had last minute and he had to stay take care of Sally. He looked over at the picnic blanket and saw no one... "The others?" He asked. Aubrey lets out a sigh "Check your phone."

After a few seconds Kel follows Aubrey's sigh with one of his own and he sits on the dock next to Aubrey.

"So we've been ditched, haven't we?" He says with a soft laugh.

"Heh, yeah I suppose we have. " Replied Aubrey with the same laugh.

They both look at the reflection of the moon in the clear water of the lake... Eventually Aubrey lays down on the dock, her lags hovering above the water.

"Welp, their loss, the stars look particularly pretty today." Says Aubrey.

"Huh, you're right!" Kel realizes after looking at the beautiful night sky above him.

He lays down by her side, and he looks at the sky. Stars shining brilliantly among the black blue of the summer night sky. It felt very calming for the both of them to just... Stare.

"It's beautiful, isn't it...?" Said Aubrey with what sounded like melancholy in Kel's ears.

"Didn't cut you for the sappy type, Aubs." Responded Kel with a smile.

"You're so stupid sometimes..."

"Hey, I think it's cute!"

"... Whatever Kel."

Aubrey sat up and went over to the picnic blanket and as she sat down she spoke to Kel. "Hey I brought food."

"Drinks?" Kel asked as he sat up to follow Aubrey.

"Yes, I got you a can of orange Joe. Now get your ass on the blanket!"

"Alright, alright."

Aubrey spread out the food and set Kel's pillow next to hers so they'd be close, she liked his warmth, even if she didn't want to admit it. Kel sat beside her.

They both eat the sandwiches that Aubrey prepared for them and the others as well as drank their drinks. Kel complimented Aubrey on the sandwiches she made, and then they both laid on the blanket to look at the starry sky.

"You know Aubs..." Kel starts talking again. "We've certainly been through a whole lot, but recently I feel a lot more at ease around you."

Aubrey yawns and then responds. "Is that right?"

"Yeah!" Says Kel with a smile.

For around a minute no one says a word, but eventually Aubrey sits up abruptly in an attempt to avoid having Kel looking at her face. "What do you think... Caused that?"

Kel thinks for a second before responding. "Probably because I grew up and realized how amazing you really are!" His voice not wavering at all.

"Oh... I see." Aubrey still sitting up, is going crazy because she thinks she's picking up on implications from Kel's words but has no idea how to address the fact, until ofcourse Kel brings her back to earth.

"Aubrey is everything okay?"

"Yes! Everything is! Just fine!" She said, still hiding her face from Kel.

"Yeah I'm not buying that, tell me what's wrong!"

Aubrey stands up. "I told you everything is-"

Before Aubrey could finish her sentence, she feels the weight of her friend on her back, and two hands, mindfully hugging around her from the back.

"Aubrey, you know you can tell me everything right?"

"I... Yeah ofcourse I do..."

"Then why won't you talk to me?"

"Because... BECAUSE YOU!"

Aubrey takes a sudden sharp turn to face Kel before continuing.

"BECAUSE YOU MAKE ME FEEL WEIRD!" Said Aubrey while looking Kel in the eye. Her face flustered, her hair ruffled and her breathing heavy.

"Weird... How?" Kel asks in confusion.

Aubrey doesn't respond for a while but her facial expression changed every second, from angry to confused and from desperate to angry again.

"YOU... WHY IS THIS HAPPENING?! THIS WAS SUPPOSED TO BE S NORMAL HANGOUT AND YOU TURNED IT INTO A HOPELESS ROMANTIC MESS!"

"Wait, romantic?"

"What-"

Aubrey stares at Kel for a few seconds before retreating to the picnic blanket, face in her knees.

"UGHHHH" She screams... Unable to hide her feelings any longer.

"Aubrey what-"

Before Kel could finish his sentence Aubrey stands back up and looks Kel in the eye. "Listen. Dumbass. This is difficult for me to express so bear with me." She said with the most serious face ever.

"Alright! I'll listen to anything!" Responded Kel with a bright smile.

Aubrey's face turns redder and redder. "I KNOW. THAT'S THE PROBLEM!" Aubrey takes a deep breath after confusing Kel even more.

"You're very sweet, and helpful, you're here to listen about what I'm passionate about, you've let me vent out my feelings more than anyone else, and after we... Learned the truth, you never left my side, you were probably the only thing that kept me going for about a week after that... And as time passed I stopped only feeling gratitude and appreciation for you... My feelings are complicated and it took me a while to realize but... Now I know... I'm in love with you, Kel."

Kel stares at Aubrey dumbfounded for a few seconds before breaking a huge smile and hugging her tight, raising her a bit off the ground and giving her a spin.

"I can't believe it! You actually reciprocate my feelings!" Said kel while holding Aubrey in his arms.

"Your feelings?!" Asked Aubrey after needing to find her footing again because of Kel's spin. "You feel the same way?! Since when?!"

"A while haha! But now I don't have to hide it anymore!"

Kel lets Aubrey from his hug and holds her hands.

"Aubrey, do you want to be my g-"

"YES YES YES! I WILL BE YOUR GIRLFRIEND!" responded Aubrey while hugging Kel again. Soon though she broke the hug and went back to her previous position.

"Or um... Yeah, I'd love to be your lover." She tried to contain her excitement.

Kel smiles and lets out a small laugh. "Yup! You really are amazing! COME ON! PACK YOUR STUFF LET'S GO TELL HERO!"

Aubrey might've been caught off guard but she held her basket and before being able to say anything Kel grabbed her hand and started jogging towards his house, practically skipping from his excitement.

"Yeah, that's the one..." She thought as she looked at her boyfriend so excited.

[orangepanic]

wip wednesday!

Thanks for @blackberrywars and @nyamadermont for tagging me.

Rules:

in a reblog (or new post w/ rules attached) post up to five (5) filenames of your WIPs; not titles, file names.

Post a snippet from one of them. Snippet must be words you wrote in the last 7 days.

We're posting progress here. If you haven't made any, go make some and come back to post!

After you've posted, people can send you an ask with one of your file names. You must then write 3 sentences in that file. If the filename is one you can't share from (for example, an event fic), write 3 sentences on it anyway, and then 3 more on another to share.

That's it! You can invite others to join in, or just post. If you tag me in your post, I will send you an ask request!

most recently worked on wips (file names) not including a project for the @atlararepairbigbang I'm not allowed to talk about:

WIP - Starvation Paradise

WIP - Beyond the Painted Hills

WIP - Girls' Night

WIP - Hard Bargain

WIP - Dog Training Meet Ugly

snippet from the latest chapter of Starvation Paradise:

Asami snapped awake as her heart thundered in her chest. He was trying to kill them! Poisoning them, forcing it all down her throat with his fingers. She and her mom had to get out of here while they still had the chance. While he was gone. Raw fear coursed through Asami’s veins, the hot adrenaline giving her strength even as the toxins still made her dizzy and weak. Her head throbbed. She could do this though. She had to.

“Mom!” Asami’s voice came out a cracked whisper. She grasped the warm shape wrapped around her under the blankets and shook it. “Mom, come on, we have to go.” 

Her mother lifted her head. “Asami?”

Asami screamed. The lump that had once been her mother was him! She yanked herself out of his arms and onto the cold stone floor where he’d kept them for weeks. No! No no no no no! There was no sign of her mother now at all.

“Asami, what’s wrong? What’s hurting?” General Iroh sat up and reached for her. Firelight gleamed off his pale skin. Asami snatched her hand quickly out of his grasp. The dark room spun around her. Spirits, she was so lightheaded. Her stomach roiled. Her mouth was dust. Her vision started to waver.

“Get away from me!” she hissed, desperate. “I won’t eat it! I won’t eat any more! Just let us go!”

General Iroh reached for her again, his face full of mock concern. “Asami, calm down. Please. You must have had a nightmare—”

“Don’t touch me!” She scrambled backwards, her hands scraping against the bare stone. “What did you do with Mom? I need her!” Asami looked frantically around the cave for any sign of another person. The fire had burned down to embers but there was enough pale red light to see it was empty. She was alone. She had always been alone. 

“Asami. Look at me.” Her eyes snapped back to him. The general’s voice had a hardness to it now she’d never heard before. But his tone seemed to cut through some of the fog as well. “Asami,” he repeated, slowly, his lips forming every syllable. “Do you know who I am?” And oddly enough, she did. His bearded face slowly lost its monstrous quality. Instead he only looked dirty and haggard, his bare chest covered with scrapes. General Iroh. Iroh. She knew him. He was here. He was here because she was… they were… cold? Something terrible flickered in her memory. 

“Iroh?” she ventured. “Iroh, what’s happening?”

“Asami, listen to me,” he said. “You’re very sick, Asami. You’ve been delirious. I’m not sure what you see, or saw, but I’m here to help. I promise.” His hollow eyes flicked to the cave entrance, then back to her. “It’s very cold out, and dark. You have to stay here. I won’t swear not to chase you, but it will be very hard for me. I might hurt myself. So might you. I need you to stay.”

The pieces started falling into place. The cave. Akta Chat. Stranded, oh spirits she hadn’t been kidnapped, she was stranded here, they were stranded together in the middle of nowhere and he’d broken his leg and she was sick, she felt so sick.

“Asami,” said Iroh firmly, “I think you should lie down again. You need to rest. Will you do that for me?”

Asami nodded. Suddenly she felt more tired than she ever had in her life. She crawled back onto a big fur rug she had no idea how they’d gotten and lay down. Iroh pulled a big red coat over top of her. It was still warm. 

“I can go sleep by the entrance, if you’d like,” he said. “I’ll give you space, but I can’t have you wandering off. Okay?”

“Do you have a… a…” Asami somehow couldn’t find the word. She ran her hands over the soft bed beneath her. “A fuzz? For you?” 

“We’re not worried about me tonight,” he said softly. “Go back to sleep, Asami. I’m not going to let anything happen to you.”

[labelleizzy]

Cooking.

Here is one recipe that I almost always have the ingredients for in my pantry and freezer.

Chili.

(I am a meat eater so bear that in mind. )

This makes like 8-12 servings depending on how hungry I am on a given day.

Here's the ingredients:

In the freezer: 1 lb of ground meat of your choice. Hamburger is good, they had a sale on bison recently at my grocery store, I have some venison from the specialty shop, as a treat for someday.

In the pantry: big can of diced tomatoes. This one's 1 lb 12 oz.

Also in the pantry, various canned beans. I picked up one of black beans and one of mixed salad beans because I like the different colors. One medium onion, that you dice to about half inch squares. Tomato paste if you like a thick chili.

This to me is the bare minimum, I do usually add garlic, I do often add half a beer or the tail end of a bottle of wine if I have one lying around. I can spice it as my mood suits: peppers, 🌶️ 🫑, heavy on cumin and rosemary or not. Often I have the tail end of a jar of salsa, I did today. I decided between finishing the jar of tomatillo salsa or dumping the pesto into the pot, decided I can add pesto later if I want to.

One great thing about how I make chili is I don't even have to defrost the meat all the way. I dice my onion, defrost the meat enough to get it out of the packet, and into the pot. Couple splashes of vegetable oil if it's a low fat meat. Start it browning, use the spatula to chunk the frozen meat into littler pieces.

Add the diced onions halfway through, continue breaking the meat up until it's most of the way brown at least and only a little bit pink. Salt into the pot, a small handful over the meat and onion, mix thoroughly and keep breaking up the hamburger with your spatula.

Leftover cooked veggies 🥦🫛🍆🥕go in great at this point if you have some and want to.

The last of the jar of minced garlic 🧄, both cans of beans 🫘 with their water, the diced tomatoes 🍅, and half a cup of wine 🍷 because we didn't finish the bottle last night. I'm a Dionysian, you don't have to put any wine or beer 🍺 in at all, I just... It's like a tribute.

Moving on.

You could add leftover hummus to thicken this or tomato paste.

This fills my large stockpot pretty well. And then I let it simmer at medium low heat for long enough to cook down a little.

And, because I have ADHD, it's best not to let myself sit down and tumble for a while, or if I do sit down I should set alarms so that I remember to go stir the pot and scrape the bottom so I don't cook the food to the bottom of the pot 😇

I like to eat it as is, or sometimes with cheese or rice and if I'm feeling fancy I'll try and make up a cornbread. Haven't tried it yet with Mac&cheese but it's probably gonna be good.

I should probably say here that my husband would want me to eat this with a salad 🥗.

Yes, dear. 🥰

This meal brought to you by having one of those days where I couldn't figure out what to eat and then it had been 4 hours since I ate, so I grabbed my emergency potato chip stash, and once my brain was refueled, I got to work making something I can almost make in my sleep.

I'll be filling several take out tubs with the leftovers from tonight. It gets better the longer it sits, freezes well, stays pretty good in the fridge for several days and maybe up to 2 weeks?

Feed yourself and Future Self will thank you. Feed your friends and loved ones.

[servin-up-surveys]

survey #128

Who was your first big crush? *Big* crush... I wanna say Sebastian? He was DEFINITELY my first "real" crush, but I'm not entirely sure if it reached the point of being "big," I really can't recall. If it wasn't him, it was DEFINITELY Jason.

Name someone you know who drives a green car: I don't believe I know anyone who does.

When was the last time someone drunk dialed/texted/left a voicemail? No one's ever done that, I think.

Has anyone ever told you that you talk in your sleep? More like scream. ALTHOUGH, my nightmares have gotten A LOT better lately; I haven't really been having them for maybe two-ish months, save for maybe an instance or two I don't remember. I have absolutely zero idea why they've suddenly fucked off after so many years of them just being normal and regular for me, but I will ABSOLUTELY take it.

Where did you last go out to eat at? Actually we were at Applebee's for dinner last night, because that's where Herb wanted to go. Mom and I aren't really fans/never go there otherwise, BUT the fries were actually really good.

Was your last breakup a bad one? No, honestly. Like yeah, it hurt, but whatever Sara and I had was NOT what I thought it was at the time, and I must've subconsciously known that with how quickly I was over it.

What was your favorite board game as a child? Haha dude I actually REALLY liked Mall Madness, even though I hated shopping irl. I don't quite know why I enjoyed it as much as I did. Also worth mentioning are various Cranium games, specifically Balloon Lagoon. Those games were legendary. Ashley's kids have been getting into them in recent times, primarily because Mom gifting them various ones; they have a lot of fun with Hullabaloo especially. By the way, those fuckers got INSANELY expensive, at least the ones from mine and my sisters' childhoods.

When are you going on vacation again? Don't know. I've been thinking for a while now though, IF I finally get a fucking job by this summer (because it's my idea and I wanna take care of it financially), I think I wanna go on a daycation or so with Girt to a hotel by the beach and just watch movies and play games together, stay there for a night. Neither of us actually like the beach itself, but I LOVE staying in hotels and seeing the view, at least. We really don't have "us" time enough or really go out much, and I think it'd be really good for both of us.

Who did you last have an alcoholic drink with? Sara. Or maybe Mom? Idk.

Who was the last person you were under the covers with? Girt. He didn't stay the night, but even when he doesn't he tries to stay with me until I fall asleep.

Has anyone ever told you you have pretty eyes? Yeah.

Name something great that happened today? My mom DIDN'T get fucking killed in a car crash very nearly caused by her technical stepfather who should in NO universe be on the road.

How many different people of the opposite sex have you really cried over? Two. Well, romantically anyway; I've definitely cried over my dad when he left. Hated his guts for years.

When was the last time you saw your father? Lol nice timing. Uh, I wanna say Emerson's bday party in February. Pretty sure.

Do you tend to make relationships complicated? I definitely don't think so.

Have you ever met any bands/band members before? in absolutely tragic news, no.

Who does most of the chores in your house? My mom.

Do you have an ensuite bathroom? Mom's bedroom does.

Have you ever been to a chiropractor? Did you like it? No, hopefully it stays that way.

Do you know how to set a formal table setting for a 3+ course dinner? No, and I absolutely could not give less of a shit. Just eat your food while keeping your surroundings clean, this "formal setting" shit is so unnecessary.

Are you in a good mood today? I have been SO up and down, idk man. I've been way more irritated than I am on a normal day, and at literally nothing.

Have you bought a bag of potato chips in the past week? No.

Do you know anyone who’s struggling with addiction? Yes. And people who have died because of it.

Did you ever go to daycare as a kid? For what I'm pretty sure I remember being a SINGLE day. One employee spanked me simply for going into the wrong room (I had no idea I wasn't supposed to go in there) and were just generally mean and super rude; I VERY barely remember the details, but I recall enough that I was extremely upset. The only thing I do remember other than that other detail is some woman holding me while I sobbed my heart out until Mom came in. She left fucking furious and I never went there again; I'm pretty sure this is when our neighbors started watching me and my sisters.

When you go to a restaurant, do you prefer to sit at a booth or a table? Absolutely booth.

Has your car ever been broken into? I've never had my own car, but I'm quite positive no family car ever has been.

How old is your oldest cousin? Hell if I know.

Who was the last person you congratulated or said “well done” to? What for? My acquaintance I used to kinda regularly take pictures for, Bethany; she had her daughter yeeeesterday I think, all the while having the flu. She'd felt like death prior, so her induction date was delayed, but the baby said Nope and was suddenly here lmfao

What was the last show you watched an episode of? Dark.

^And which character in that show do you relate to, or identify with most? MAN IDK everyone in this fuckin show cheats and lies and there's also a GINORMOUS character cast that I very barely keep track of (I would be lost in this show without Girt, like it's just too complicated for me alone), I'm not even TRYING to mentally go through everyone. I'm super into it, don't get me wrong, it's just absolutely absurd how complex and tightly knotted its plot is.

Do you have any medical appointments coming up anytime soon? I constantly do, I'ma be real. I know I'm getting labs done on Monday, then I'll be seeing the endocrinologist when those results come in. Therapy should be coming up soon, too. I would not be even remotely surprised if there's more within the next two-ish weeks. I also go to PT twice a week, but idk if you count those.

Do you say "I love you" to anyone daily? I know Girt and I do. If Mom ever leaves the house without me, she also says it, but that doesn't happen every day.

Do you know anyone named Vanessa? Tell me a little bit about this person. Yes. The vast majority of the "alt" kids in high school knew her because she was the one very obviously emo African American in our school, and I feel like I remember her being pretty outgoing?

When was the last time you felt unable or unwilling to speak your mind to someone? Today, actually, and I've realized I really need to bring this up in therapy; I plan to next visit. Just lately my mom has been absolutely fucking awful about getting so annoyed about me forgetting various things and also just answering genuine questions I ask her like I'm a complete fucking idiot and it's really affecting me. She's done this forever, but it's just been worse lately, I guess because my memory only ever seems to get worse, but also life has just been busy. It's mostly upsetting me just because I KNOW my ability to remember and also just process information in general changed greatly post-trauma, which is apparently a legit thing, and it makes me feel like total fucking garbage. I already think I'm dumb as shit, I don't need my mother contributing. It's not like I ever choose to forget appointments or where she has to go today etc. etc., but she constantly acts like I'm making a deliberate choice and it's become extremely hurtful by now. I don't want to bring it up outside of therapy because I know what happens when you disagree with my mother or point out something wrong she's doing: she gets defensive as shit and takes it as total disrespect.

Are you more likely to give advice or to ask for it? Ask for it.

Do you like Tootsie Rolls? They've never been a candy I've sought out. I can have like one if it's offered to me and it's whatever, but I don't like them, really.

What is your most expensive bill? I don't pay my own bills yet and it's fucking humiliating by now.

Do you sleep alone or with someone every night? Wish it was the latter, but alone on the vast majority of nights. Girt and I are both really ready to just live together but that fucking housing market though. He's been stressed lately about his mom and her wellbeing falling so unevenly onto him when he has an older sister, and it's completely fair for him to feel like it's just unfair sometimes, because the balance between him and Ashley keeping her afloat does seem alarmingly uneven. I'm not gonna delve deep into his family business here, the gist is just he wants to be able to live like a "real" adult with his own life. I've been more aggressively looking for work than I already was because of all this, I want to be able to help.

What are you favorite kind of chips? Typically hot ones, like hot crunchy Cheetos or Takis. I've actually been craving hot chips TERRIBLY for a lil while now, I want Takis so bad lmao. I also really love Cool Ranch Dorito's.

What color is your mousepad? It's black. Super old, though. I'd actually like to get a new one that I like, but that's very low on my list of priorities.

Has anyone you know been arrested recently? Uh not that I know of.

Where is your favorite person? He's home now, work's over for him for the weekend.

Are there any plants in your house? Mom has a couple, yeah. I think I'd like to get at least one for my room when I redecorate.

Have you seen the entire Harry Potter series? I'm very grateful I never got into that, JK Rowling can rot in hell with all the other TERFs.

Do you still have both of your parents? Yes. I don't see or talk to my dad a lot at all, but he's still there.

Do you enjoy cuddling? If you're Girt and I'm not hot, yes. Once I'm notably hot, I barely want to be touched.

Have you ever had a pregnancy scare? Not one that was even remotely realistic because I was literally a virgin lmao, look when you have a very legitimate pregnancy phobia the dumbest shit will make you scared.

Do you ever suspect your significant other of lying to you? I honestly don't. He's given me every reason to trust him.

Does anyone you know ever recommend books to you? No.

What made you feel cheerful today? Nothing. Really not into how my mood's been today.

[spacexseven]

the guilty one

2 posts in less than 24 hours now ill disappear for another week!!

request from anon: dark + manipulative chuuya

cw: mentioned masturbation on undergarments, sending of unsolicited nudes + recording while masturbating, stalking, breaking in, noncon kissing, reader is scared and chuuya takes advantage of that MINORS DNI

- someone's been following you, and they're closer than you think -

you hear rapid, heavy knocks at your door, battering away at the old wood.

"[name]!" a voice calls out, one all too familiar to you, "are you there?"

you want to stay quiet and hope for your pursuer to leave, but you know him well enough to know he wouldn't just walk away, and he knows you well enough to know exactly where you were. a strong sense of dread fills you when the knocking finally stops - but you know you're being unreasonable. he wouldn't hurt you, right?

you've been tormented by the frightening occurrences, coming home to broken windows and cum stains on your underwear, missing objects, and cruel 'gifts' that only served to scare you. unsolicited pictures and voice recordings of lewd desires texted to you from a different number each time. outside, you're convinced someone has been lurking in the dark and shadowing you, coming close enough to watch your every move but far enough that you can't be sure if it's your overactive mind making up the sounds.

but these things, it couldn't have been chuuya - after all -

the silence doesn't last long before the door is broken through and chuuya walks in. the red glow of his ability fades as he takes slow, steady steps towards you, glancing disapprovingly at your messy living conditions.

"what are you-" he glances at the weapon clenched tightly in your hand with just a hint of surprise, not pausing his movement "[name]? hey, what's wrong?"

you stare up at him without saying a word, the tense silence enough to make him realize something was seriously wrong - that, and the fact that you were trembling under your coat. he stares back for a moment before sighing and crouching in front of you.

"[name], you there?"

you frown at him, slowly uncurling your fingers from the weapon and letting it drop.

- after all- despite the recent terrors you've been facing, this was chuuya. the stranger you met near the shopping district, who later turned into someone you considered a friend. sure, you didn't know much about him apart from the little information he shared with you, but he hadn't ever done anything to hurt you even though he had many opportunities to. you told yourself it couldn't have been. not chuuya, with that look of concern, genuine concern, not chuuya, with his charming, lopsided smile, not chuuya, with his back to the door, looking more like an angel with the lights beaming around him.

"you weren't picking up your phone," he begins to explain, placing his hands around yours and holding them together - you wonder if he was doing it to calm you down, because it was working. your phone was on silent, buried under the trash somewhere nearby. it just hits you that you hadn't checked it in a while - but you didn't have many friends, nobody you thought would check up on you if you had gone silent for a long time.

"so i got worried, and i thought i'd check up on you..." you want to believe his words so badly, you crave that feeling of relief and comfort, but you never gave him your address. he's never been here and yet he found you here.

"...brought you some groceries, you haven't been eating anything other than frozen meals, have you?" and how would he, despite not having talked to you for weeks, know about your empty fridge and your microwaved meals? you wish you could reason that he knew you very well, but it had barely been a month since you met him, he couldn't have learned about your habits yet.

you can only manage a little sigh. you're cold from sitting out all night long, and you're exhausted, but you don't want to fall asleep, lest the thing haunting your days creeps into your night. you're sure he already knows you haven't been sleeping, but whether he can tell from the hollowness in your gaunt face or from watching you from the shadows, you don't know.

chuuya takes your sigh as an approval or some sort of permission for his twisted act. at the sound, he puts his arms around you and pulls you towards his chest, cradling you against him for a few moments. it's too intimate to be appropriate, especially in your current turmoiled state, but you doubt he'd stop if you tell him to. you feel yourself freeze up as chuuya slowly lowers his head, closer and closer until you can feel his soft exhales on your cheek, your eyes wide and frozen in shock. before you can flinch away or cry out, he tugs your chin sharply and presses down on your lips with his.

he's desperate, lips moving sloppily against your still ones. he groans deeply, and it seems that although you haven't moved at all, he still found some pleasure in the one-sided kiss. the thought makes you shudder in fear and disgust. you briefly contemplate biting down on the tongue licking your lips open, but the thought is gone as soon as it comes. chuuya was gripping you far too tightly. if he were to get mad and activate his ability...

you think about the broken pieces of your door - it helps you understand who you're up against - that was an end you wouldn't want to face.

chuuya doesn't seem bothered by your lack of response. he only kisses you harder and deeper, until it feels like you can't breathe and then you finally push at him. when he finally stops, there's a crooked smile on his face, so similar to the ones he showed you countless times before, but at the time, you would have never guessed he would do such a thing to you.

"why-" you finally croak out your first words in a long time, "why did you?"

"you're so beautiful," is all he says, sounding revered, "even when you're suffering. you're always so perfect."

"i'm sorry for scaring you, it hurt me too, seeing you shake in fear, but at the same time, it made me so excited - i'm so terrible. i'm sorry," he echoes, "i just wanted you to know that only i can protect you. only i can hurt you, and only i can help you. i wanted you to depend on me and call for me, but you never did," he sounds pained, like a wounded animal, but you're the one who's cornered and trapped, not him.

"you're so pretty, even when you cry," he whispers, pressing little kisses to the tears rolling down your face, "you're so perfect, i can't believe it."

"i hate you," you sob, "i'll never forgive you."

he smiles, so strikingly beautiful and unrestrained that it stops your heart for a moment, "no," he commands, "you love me."

he says it so assertively, that for a fleeting moment, you believe it.

[fangirl-everythang]

Mirrors C.T.H

Summary: Calum and Y/n's schedules haven't lined up in a while. When they finally do, Calum decides to try a reflective persuasion if you will.

Warnings: Daddy Kink, Swearing, Spit, Slapping( well maybe one), Just lots of smut.

Word Count: 2691

A/N: This was inspired by @ContentCalum on Instagram. 10/10 recommend for short blurbs. (ALSO posted on Wattpad)

Can't wait to see you, princess, xxx.

That was the last text I got from Calum after he told me he was coming home. Today was my day off so I spent the day doing some housework. The four of them really do a number when they're together. Recently our schedules haven't been matching and I rarely see him. Just brief periods between my early work schedule and his unpredictable night/ whenever the fuck Michael wakes up studio times haven't left us much time together.

While that's in the oven I can shower. Deciding against pajamas I just grab one of Calums shirts because it smells just like him. Usually, I wouldn't wear a bra but a bralette won't hurt. With the hot steam rolling down the sides of the shower,  I let the water hit my sore muscles. Work has been overly stressful. Between this new launch and creating a new marketing scheme, you would think we were planning the Met Gala. Putting those thoughts work thoughts aside, lathering and scrubbing every area of my body that has seen this house today. Afterward gotta lotion up because ashyness is not an option, sliding on the matching lace panties and Calums shirt that comes down to my mid-thigh.

Going back downstairs to turn the oven off I get started on the sides. Cauliflower mac and cheese isn't as bad as it seems, hopefully. "Duke do you think your daddy will notice?" He looks at me with those cute eyes, not a care in the world, guess not. The sound of the door opening has Duke happily barking and running away from me. Following not too far behind our fury son I see Calum kneel next to Duke.

"Hey Bud, did you miss me?" he asks playfully petting the sweet creature. He cuddles into Calum further when he looks up at me, "Hi princess."

"You know I think it's unfair when you ask Duke does he miss you when I'm standing right here." I grin. He stands up grabbing my waist "Well I know you missed me love." he smiles.

"Did I? You're kind of annoying." He gasps playfully holding his heart. Leaning my head back I reach up to kiss him. He takes his time bringing his lips to mine so I put my hands on his cheek and bring him closer. His soft lips against mine send me into a frenzy. God, I've missed him like crazy. Parting all too soon he leans his forehead on mine. "I love you." he rasps.

"I love you too bub." I grin going back into the kitchen. "Did you want to eat first or?" I ask looking at him questioningly.

"It's 4 pm Y/n." he chuckles. Well, we can eat later then, he concludes.

"Well, it's our first time together in forever, what now?" He has a smirk on his face and reaches for my wrist. "What is it Cal?"  he walks away and up the stairs leaving me to follow him. I should turn the oven off. Glancing over to Duke he's in his little bed laying down. Being so cute I had to take a picture...or three. Taking my time up the stairs to admire the pictures of the cute doggo, "Cal look at these pictures of Du-What are you doing?" He continues to play with the reflective furniture.

"Do you know how good you look in the mirror? I couldn't stop thinking about all the dirty pictures you sent me," He stares at me through the mirror. "You're lucky I wasn't here babygirl." My cheeks flush as he pushes me closer to see our reflections dancing in the mirror with a tight hold on my hips.

"You're my distraction," he whispers as he slowly begins sucking underneath my ear, leaving kisses down my neck. My heart rate increases as his tongue touches a sensitive spot, shivers running down my spine. "As much as I want to tell you how beautiful you are, well you've been a bad girl hmm?" His hand lightly trails across my neck, his eye contact never leaving as he snakes his other hand towards my front over my clothed womanhood. "Answer me." His grip becoming more firm on my neck.

"Yes daddy." he hums in approval as he lifts his shirt above his head exposing his tan torso. "Look at how sexy you are baby." but he didn't seem satisfied when my eyes stay glued to the ground. He could have any girl he wanted and yet he chose me. I'm not skinny whatsoever. I have more tits than ass and rolls for days. The stretchmarks that litter my body don't bother me but most aspects of everything else does. His hand reaches for my hair in a tight fist forcing me to look up at our reflection, my core aching at the sudden pull.  "I'm speaking to you." he says very sternly, "I guess I'll just have to make you listen."

Stripping himself of his pants and sitting on the edge of the bed right in front of the mirror he opens his legs and pats me over. "Sit." I obey him, anticipation building in my core. His hands roam my body freely lingering wherever they please. He begins attacking my neck slowly dragging his finger across my thigh "Look at you, acting like a good girl hmm?" he moves the cotton fabric up to my waist giving him a view of my panties from the mirror "'gonna be good for daddy?"

I nod silently, he shakes his head in a disapproving manner. "Use your words Love."

"I'll be good for you daddy." he hums in approval, spreading my legs apart. He traces his finger along the outskirts of my panties, my hips thrusting lightly "excited now are we?" he smirks looking at the wet spot through the mirror. Calum slides the thin material to the side, lightly grazing my clit. My eyes momentarily closing at the brief touch before his other calloused hand reaches up, grabbing my jaw, forcing me to to look up. "You're going to watch as I tease your cunt. You're going to cum on my fingers, then you'll watch as I devour your pussy. Close your eyes even once and I'll force another out of you. Got it?" He has a fire blazing behind his golden-brown orbs.

"Yes sir." nodding along as his fingers begin tapping on my clit. "Good girl," he whispers before dipping his middle finger into my sex, the digit easily slipping in. "Nuh that way." he reminds me once more to look up into the mirror. The glass allowing me to see everything at once, the way he looks at me hungrily, his slender finger shining with my arousal. I can see his other hand going to reach for my breast before I feel it, the mere fact causing a moan to leave my lips.

"Awwwe you like watching yourself being played with huh?" he maintains eye contact with me through the mirror, as he adds another finger into my throbbing hole. His length pressing into my back, hardening with every sound from my mouth. "Rub your clit y/n."

My hand following his orders adding more sensation to my building orgasm. The scene before me so pleasingly intimate and erotic.  "Cal I'm goin-" My back arching into him as my orgasm takes complete control of my body, his eyes on me every step of the way.

He brings his fingers to my lips, allowing me to taste myself, whimpering himself when I take his fingers into my mouth, sucking them as if they were his member.  I release them, clean, turning to face him.  "I thought I told you-" I lean forward straddling his waist, kissing him roughly. "I know but I want to please you too Cal." Before he can respond I gently slip off the bed, face to groin. I pull down his boxers just enough to release his straining cock, gently stroking it in my palm.  "Let me take care of you," I smile at him, pressing a kiss to the side of his shaft "Please daddy." He groans, swiping his thumb over my lip and nodding. We've been apart far too long, aching to taste him once more.

I lick his shaft, tasting his pre-cum on my tongue, he lets out a sigh of relief, embedding his hand through my hair.  "Mhmmm just like that princess." He moans as I take most of him in my mouth, cupping his balls and pressing my forefinger lightly on the skin between the two. The feeling of him in my mouth forces my mind to wonder about him being inside of me, stretching me in the best of ways, a moan finds its way out from my throat around Calum causing his hips to thrust more. I clench my thighs together to provide some friction for my thoughts, I reach my hand between my legs relieving myself from all the arousal. "Get up." he demands, seeming almost angry. Not wanting to question him I rise confused by the sudden change of tone, knowing better than to say anything.

He removes any fabric left covering my body aggressively, not saying a word.  Pushing me back till my knees cave against the bed causing me to fall back onto our shared mattress. He places himself between my legs, rubbing his length along my core painfully slow. "Please, I need you Cal."  He continues gazing at me through his lust filled orbs, desire seeping from his pores. He pushes his tip in and then taking it out, the feeling gone as soon as it had appeared. A whine erupted from my lips, he chuckled to himself. "Remind me again y/n," he states in a hushed tone, "Are you to touch yourself without my permission?" He looks at me, his finger dancing over my sensitive nub but neglecting it furthermore. Accepting my silence for an answer, "And yet you did." His head dips down encapsulating my nipple in his mouth, a breathy moan leaving my lips as his hands roam my body freely. My hips thrusting trying to create some- any friction. "Cal I won't do it ever again, just please- please fuck me daddy. " A stinging on my cheek causing a gasp to leave my lips, surprised by this side of Calum. Still shocked, he places his hand firmly on my cheek pushing my face into the mattress. The only thing in view is the mirror with his gorgeously tanned tattooed body on top of mine, hand still placed on my face. He leans in dangerously close, moving a strand of hair aside slowly, his fingertip leaving the slightest touch before putting his hand back with the same pressure as before, "Now watch sweetheart." he darkly whispers.

Before I could question it his entire length thrust in me at once, a broken moan escaping me. With the side view, I can see him pounding into me, each thrust harder than the last. "Fuck- so wet hmmm, such a good whore." he moans, I nod under his hand clenching walls around him, tilting my pelvis to meet his. He removes his hand from my face to apply pressure to my clit, hitting a particularly blissful combination.  "Fuck Cal right there!" I scream as the bedrocks underneath our sweaty bodies. He slows his movements savoring the view before him, his good girl-now fucking onto him, desperate for release. Her hair frizzy, eyes fluttering from excessive pleasure, he never wanted it to end. "I love you y/n."

"I love you too Calum." I reach up grabbing his neck to pull him back to me, our lips meeting once more passionately while he thrust into me again. He presses my body closer to his as my legs wrap around him for dear life, my hands holding onto his as if he'd disappear. "Can I cum please?"  He grunts, nodding his head in approval of my very much needed release. Unable to focus on anything but the eruption of pleasure from my core, repeating a slur of Calums name over and over again like it is the only thing I've ever known. His release following shortly after, the warmth of his seed filling me. His panting is my focal point upon return, watching as each breath falls from his swollen plump lips. I giggle moving some of his sweat-coated hair from his face, "Welcome home Mr.Hood." He smiles laughing at my gesture, "Quite the welcome it is Miss Y/L/N" He pulls my face forward once more placing a soft kiss to my lips, which is happily returned before he pulls me to the edge of the bed, still seemingly connected, placing me dead center in front of the mirror once more. Looking at him with a curious glance, he notions to the mirror as I watch his every move. He pulls his softening member from my core, a gasp leaving my lips due to the newfound vacancy.

His eyes never leaving mine as the smirk on his face grows, kneeling between my thighs. I lean up on my forearms to see both him and the reflection better, the handsome bassist looping his arms around my legs, keeping me in place. "Look how pretty baby." He says watching our fluids drip out of me, his tone of admiration never wavering. My hips jut back as he strokes over my clit, still hyper-sensitive from the orgasm just moments before.  As I retract my pussy away from his devilish grin he rumbles a low growl, attaching his lips to my center, his wide hands gripping my hips with brisk strength-leaving prints in their path. His tongue lapping my hole over and over again. He replaces his mouth with his fingers, the scissoring motion driving me on edge once more.  He leans over me, tapping on my lips to which I comply with his wishes, opening my mouth. He smiles before releasing the cum-mixed spit down my throat, swallowing our combined fluids moaning as he returns his mouth to my pussy. My wetness glistening all over his face as he continues to but himself in me. Seeing his back muscles contract in the mirror each time he moves, watching him devour me in the most sinful of ways. I can see it all, moans leaving my lips between my pleas for him to stop his assault but nonetheless, he persists until my legs are a quivering mess around his head. My bare breast rising with every sharp inhale, my back arching further into him, hoping to get away but he keeps me planted there in front of him.

"I need to- Cal can I-I- fuck please" The words barely able to leave my lips, he stares at me nodding but never removing himself from my core. My orgasm ripples through me, forcing my body to compromise, stiffening as I release on Calum's tongue. My hips riding his tongue exactly where I need him as my fingers grip at his hair, hearing him moan at the feeling sending an aftershock of vibrations through my center.  An unholy slurping noise from Calum is the last thing to be heard as he joins me again on the bed, pulling me into him. His lips providing every emotion needed. "I missed you."

I laugh at his cute post-sex neediness, "I missed you too Cal." He pats my head, letting his hands rake through the mess of hair on top of my head as I trace over his feather tattoo. "Did I ever tell you how good you taste?" he murmurs, shrugging lightly to himself, "Fucking delicious." His hands lingering the curves of my body before he places two fingers on my clit. "No, no, no not again." I chuckle pushing him away as my body shudders from the sensation.

"Hmmm I suppose we'll have more time today." he rasps. "Indeed we will." I smile placing a kiss on his cheek. Let's just say the night was more than eventful, happy to be in each other presence again.

A/N:

WOW long time no see! I can't wait to get back into the flow of writing and now that the semester is over I have more time lol.

I hope you're all hanging in there alright!

xoxo-Janelle

[seacottons]

—ateez as boyfriends [ domestic au ]

notes: swearing. suggestive dialogue. fluff. i blame a certain someone for this, not gonna say who. @kireiwoo

— hongjoong

very caring and attentive towards you

so much so, that even his friends have complained how it isn't fair he doesn't scold you like the way he does to them

he enjoys many activities with you, such as

helping him dye his hair an ungodly color every other month

he'll insist you try experimenting with your own tresses

but you only have the courage to dye the very ends of your strands

"i don't think i can pull off that color as well as you do," you'd say.

"that's a load of bull. you'll suit every hair color."

you'll just roll your eyes playfully at his biased behavior.

other activities include getting tiny matching tattoos together.

the tiny flower and butterfly on your wrists was most likely your favorite due to its simplicity in design and the meaning behind it as well.

spontaneous dates are his favorite.

behind closed doors, he loves to constantly shower you with pecks and smooches.

often gets teased by his friends from how whipped he is for you.

randomly books vacations for you two to relax and unwind every so often.

although he enjoys it, he is a big, tired baby when it comes to traveling

always wanting to lean his head against your shoulder

or cuddling you close for warmth due to the airport's air conditioners blasting frigid air.

has written many songs about you

and when he's finally ready, he'll not only ask you to listen to them, but to also spend the rest of your life with him and share his last name as well.

— seonghwa

constant pet names

"darling."

"the sun to my stars."

"the moon to my sun."

"love of my life."

you like to call him mars, mostly.

but he revels when you call him 'twinkle eyes' for some reason.

has a habit of pulling you into his lap.

you'll subconsciously play with the strands of his hair as he does so, him being too distracted bickering with his friends to realize sometimes.

will always give you pleading looks whenever wooyoung or san tease him.

sometimes, you walk in to find wooyoung settling onto your boyfriend's back while he greedily devours the bowl of popcorn entirely by himself.

or other times when both wooyoung and san constrict his limbs with their arms whenever you're near.

"y/n can't save you now, so cut the whining."

you'll only sigh and shake your head in amusement.

"what are you guys doing to my poor boyfriend?"

"he changed the movie we were watching without our permission!"

"because i have no damn clue what's going on, and harry potter is too confusing!"

coffee dates.

loves to sleep with you tucked against his chest.

always has an arm draped around your frame.

butterfly kisses on your neck.

soft touches against the small of your back and waist.

his favorite pastime with you would be stargazing.

"baby, look. it's me, mars-io," he'd say whilst pointing up to the large, bright star in the night sky.

when it's too cloudy outside, or when the weather isn't forgiving, he'll turn on the indoor star projector he bought so the two of you can stargaze in the comfort of your own bed.

— yunho

is the epitome of romantic.

is constantly smothering you in love and affection.

always has heart eyes and admiration in his eyes at whatever small task you do or say.

rant about an ancient dynasty?

heart eyes.

bombard him with useless information about a certain abandoned island.

heart eyes.

gush about the new cute bakery that recently opened up?

heart eyes.

if you had a money jar for every time he says 'i love you', you'd have enough money to buy a plane ticket or two.

always willing to drop everything to help you with whatever it is you need.

will wake up in the middle of the night when you text him to ask if he's awake or not.

willingly stays up to keep you company.

but sometimes, when he's too tired, he'll knock out accidentally and profusely apologize to you in the morning.

very supportive of your life choices.

hates seeing you cry because it makes him want to bawl his eyes out as well.

his hugs are bone-crushing.

but he is a gentle giant nonetheless.

likes to attempt to bake pastries with you.

half of the time, the goods either turn out undercooked or burnt.

"they have love in them, that's all that matters."

will always insist that you can rant to him about anything and everything.

you've never felt so valued in your life before meeting him.

is the most understanding human being you've ever gotten the pleasure of knowing.

"i wish we were vampires," he says one day.

you give him an amused look, lips outstretched into a smile, "why, silly?"

"so we can spend an eternity together."

— yeosang

his heart flutters when you notice the smallest things he does.

it makes him feel appreciated and acknowledged.

like when he changes up his hairstyle or earrings.

or when he wears a new sweater.

a big, big softie when it comes to you.

can and will want to spend all day in your arms on his days off.

quick witted and has a knack for noticing the tiniest detail.

very shy and awkward at first.

but when he gets more comfortable as time passes on, you won't be safe from his snarky little comments anymore.

will constantly bring up the thing you said or did months ago to prove a point.

"oh, you like this flavor? three months ago you told me it tasted like vomit."

"remember that time you woke up in a rush to get to work thinking you were late, only for me to drag you back inside because it was three in the fucking morning?"

you stop mid-chew and peer up from your plate of rice.

"your point, yeosang?"

"oh, nothing this time. i just wanted to tease you."

is the type to have a mid-life crisis when you can't decide on a restaurant.

"but i don't want to eat at the chicken place again," you'll whine.

"it's been thirty minutes, and you still haven't decided what you want!"

"you're rushing me!"

"y/n! just pick!"

loves to cuddle with you, especially in the colder months.

wraps a blanket around your frame and tugs you in closer against his chest.

pretends not to understand your jokes just to spite and tease you.

loves when you cling onto him.

his favorite pastime with you would be just walking around together at night and trying out different types of street food.

or even visiting any of the local beaches for a relaxing walk together.

— san

persistently keen about whenever you feel upset or down.

he reads you better than any open book.

sometimes, it scares you, but you appreciate how he's always so eagle-eyed about your behavior.

loves to hug your head.

you allow wooyoung to crash some of your dates with san sometimes.

other times, san will whine and tell him to go find his own date.

"if y/n accepted you as a boyfriend, then you should've disclosed that i'm part of the deal as well. buy one get one free."

"as what exactly?"

"the hot, clingy best friend."

will take numerous duck-faced selfies of himself because you think they're cute.

often times, he'll ask you to mirror his expression, only for him to press his lips against yours a second before his phone snaps the picture.

likes when you kiss his dimple.

"y/n! it looks like a crater from the amount of times you've kissed it."

he likes to tease you.

a lot.

touchy.

very touchy.

always has an arm around you.

rests his chin against your shoulders.

playfully smacks your rear when you're sassy with him.

or leans in to hold your jaw whilst whispering teasing words into your ear that has you becoming docile and bothered in mere seconds.

has you wrapped around his finger as much as you have him wrapped around your own.

likes to have weekly picnics with you at the park and admires all the dogs running about.

"i should bring byeol next week. maybe she'll like to play fetch too."

"i don't think that's a good idea.."

you often find him fast asleep holding onto a plushie for dear life whenever you're away.

you'll pull it away from his arms, causing him to stir awake groggily.

he'll stare in confusion as you throw the plushie aside, before pulling you in tighter as you wriggle into his arms.

"you're softer than shiber," he'll mumble sleepily against the crown of your head.

— mingi

mingi is sometimes self-conscious around the public eye and others, but when it comes to you, those layers of fear and insecurity get stripped away instantly.

doesn't mind being vulnerable with you.

he craves affection, adores it even, but is insecure about not being able to return it well enough for his liking.

likes when you give him attention.

easily gets jealous when someone else grabs your interest.

reassuring him 24/7.

"yes, mingi. you're the love of my life."

kissing his pouting lips for good measure.

the smallest of gestures has him a blushing mess.

even holding hands in public.

when he's not being a sentimental sap, he'll like teasing you lovingly.

"wow, you have this many photos of me in your phone?"

you'll scrutinize him in confusion.

"are you that obsessed with me, y/n?"

"mingi! you told me to take half of those photos of you!"

"oh, right. i forgot."

a silence weighs down onto the two of you.

"but would you have taken them if i never asked you to?"

constantly laughs about the things you say, although you don't think you're that funny.

always seeks your approval subconsciously.

will always shield you from the rain, playfully yelling at the droplets sometimes.

"you can't make y/n wet! only i can!"

"mingi! we are in public!"

wanted to go strawberry picking because he saw a celebrity try it out on instagram live.

accidentally steps on many berries though.

"it's okay, they'll just make another plant. i did them a favor."

brags about you like no tomorrow.

even for the tiniest, minuscule thing.

"oh, i've already tried the brand of ice cream. y/n always buys that for me."

"i don't need to pay all this money for a measly slice of cake. y/n's cakes are much better."

"no, wooyoung. i'm not jealous of your new shoes." he'll lightly pinch the boy's side, "y/n and i have already bought ourselves matching pairs."

"you two are so fucking cheesy, it hurts."

when he's not bragging about you, he's boasting about himself.

but if that's what helps him raise his confidence levels up, you'll gladly sit down hours on end listening to how he has more 'swag' and 'charisma' than all of his older friends combined.

— wooyoung

teases you like his life depends on it.

says you can't get enough of him, when in reality it's the other way around.

but you let him believe whatever he wants.

but deep down he just really gets satisfied with himself if he raises your mood and makes you smile.

especially when you're not having a great day.

uses way too many emojis when texting you.

"wooyoung, why am i saved as as 'clingy bug' on your contacts?"

he'll squawk indignantly and laugh awkwardly for a second.

"who told you this lie!?"

"seonghwa?"

always wants to show off your love in front of his friends.

"no, i don't want my early birthday gift now. wait until the others show up, and do it front of them."

"but why?"

"so everyone can see how much you love me. can you also cry for good measure?"

"absolutely not."

he enjoys the dates you have in his apartment the most.

the ones where he cooks for you and asks for your help, only for him to pester you about over-seasoning or undersalting something.

"okay, fine! we'll just order take out if it tastes that bad," you pout, flinging a small piece of onion on his face.

his head instantly snaps back to eye you judgingly, fist gripping the poor spatula.

"over my dead body."

"so, y/n. how does my plating look?"

"it's beautiful, wooyoung. you've outdone y-"

"what else is beautiful?" he demands, face leaning over the table to give you a knowing grin.

you shove a piece of meat and rice into his mouth, shrugging nonchalantly.

"me."

he deflates at your answer, spluttering pieces of rice onto your face.

"jung wooyoung, you slob!"

— jongho

is the type of boyfriend to stop you in the middle of the road to tie your shoe for you.

very charming and goofy in his own way.

takes pride in himself and his abilities to cater to your every whim and need.

even when you don't ask for his help.

aggressively opens jars for you when you struggle to pry them open.

"no one messes with my y/n."

"you're fussing at a jar of pickled radish, baby."

the type to cling close to you in public in fear of any of the bicyclists or pedestrians bumping into you and harming you in any way.

sometimes acts like you're made of glass.

while it's endearing occasionally, it is a bit suffocating at other times.

doesn't believe you when you say you're tough and don't need protection.

very selfless and willing to help you with anything you need.

never one to shy away from social gatherings with his friends, always pulling you along with him despite you being shy and clingy most of the night.

also a big tease.

when you help him hold down his legs for sit ups, he asks for a smooch.

pulls away from you when you try to kiss him.

and will laugh at your pouting face as he urges you to try once more.

"stop moving, i just want to kiss you!"

after numerous tries, he finally allows you ( you truly think you over-powered him though ) to kiss his cheeks or lips.

he then proceeds to squawk loudly in retaliation and playful disgust.

although he loves teasing you, when the game is flipped the other way, he'll be a shy mess of embarrassment.

"i don't mumble your name in my sleep."

"you always do, silly."

tucked underneath his macho exterior, you know he's prone to criticism and takes it to heart much more than he likes to show and admit.

so, whenever you get the chance, you always fulfill his need to be appreciated, loved, and taken care of.

is utterly and extremely protective of you.

"who just whistled at you?" he grumbles, "i'll break their jaw like an apple, you know i will."

[amane-by-together]

Crème Brûlée || Hanako-kun

part two of crème brûlée

genre: lime

pairing: vampire!hanako x female guest! reader

summary: [name] is now settled in the ghost hotel after being offered by hanako to stay with him. one night, after hanako had finished his errands, he decided to visit [name] in her room. getting messy with hanako during the night doesn't seem so bad after all.

warning: heated content, blood, groping and biting (stay away if ya ain't comfy)

Hanako smiled in satisfaction, finishing the last of his errands for the night since he didn't get to do it while having dinner. He can finally take a break from his duties. It was a tough day managing the hotel's maintenance as they will accommodate the needs of their guests.

As night falls, Hanako can't help but to feel in his intuition that there's something missing. Dinner felt really boring because he just ate some bland food that doesn't even reach his taste buds. The last time he had a good feed was when he licked off the blood on [Name]'s lips.

A smirk spreads across his face, remembering the night before. Hanako had a mental image of [Name] softly calling his name, begging him to make her his. The thought excites him more, constantly being betrayed by needy thoughts about [Name].

Her blood, lips, neck and chest, he wanted them all to himself. Hanako bit his lip, his mind flooding with such sinful thoughts. He stood up from his seat, grabbing a candle holder and lighting up the candles.

Hanako left his quarters and closed the door. He roamed around the silent hallways of the floor, aiming the flame of the candle on his path to see where he was going. It seems that the guests have fallen to rest.

The sound of thunder boomed loudly and the lightning flashes through the glass window from Hanako's peripheral vision. It seems that the storm was still there, maybe it'll take a day or two for it to pass.

'Hopefully she's still awake.' Hanako stopped in front of the door to [Name]'s room. He raised his gloved hand and knocked gently to the wooden door. "May I come in?"

"Just a second~!" [Name] yelled slightly in response, probably organizing some things inside. "You may come in."

Hanako opened the door as it creaked, revealing himself while holding the candleholder. "Good evening." He greeted with a gentle smile. "Thank you for letting me in."

"Good evening to you too, Hanako-kun." [Name] addressed with a sweet tone. Hanako eyed her soft lips, and then the clothes she was wearing; an off-shoulder white dress with lacy sleeves. His amber eyes landed on the glimpse of her cleavage through her dress.

'Now that's a nice view~' Hanako slightly smirked at the sight in front of him, licking the side of his lip. He wanted to lower that dress to see more, but he must lure his prey in before completely trapping her under him. [Name] waited for Hanako to talk, it seems that he's busy staring at her with ogling eyes.

"Um, Hanako-kun?" [Name] waves her hand in front of the male to snap out of his trance. Hanako blinked and its like his breath was taken by her. "Are you alright?" She asked with concern.

"I'm alright." Hanako replied immediately, closing the door behind him and hung his cape by the coat hanger. "I recently finished my duties and ate dinner, honestly the food is bland and it has slight flavor in it so technically I haven't been eating well..."

Hanako suddenly feels light headed as his cheeks flushed, feeling intoxicated towards [Name]. He darts behind her, placing his gloved hand on top of hers and intertwined their hands. [Name]'s cheeks went red at the sudden action. "You smell really sweet tonight..." Hanako inhaled her scent as he puts his arm around her waist.

"H-Hanako—" [Name] stuttered, her knees turning weak because of Hanako. It reminded her back when they first made out in her room, and something tells her that it's happening again.

"Sorry sweetheart, I can't help it~" Hanako whispered, his breath lingering against her ear as if she can feel his lips on that part. "But you look really hot right now..."

[Name]'s heart raced inside her chest. She looks like a scared bunny that is about to be hunted by a hungry wolf. "H-Hanako-kun~" Hanako started to kiss her neck gently as a start. "Right there..."

Hanako softly nibbles at the spot, turning it into a small hickey. There's no backing away now, Hanako was about to dig in to his dessert in front of him. Hanako spins [Name] around before kissing her, looping an arm around her torso then putting his hand on the back of her hair to caress her locks. "Mmm~"

[Name] puts her arms around his neck, tugging Hanako closer. Her fingers sliding in between his choppy locks and taking off his hat. Hanako grows even more eager by licking her bottom lip in which she opens her mouth slightly, letting him slide his tongue inside. 'Ahh, her mouth feels warm.' Hanako thought as he swirled his tongue gently with hers. 'I can't stop kissing her...'

Hanako couldn't pull away from [Name], even if he did, he'll end up wanting more from her. [Name] can feel herself melting against the kiss, her legs weakening and her mind turning foggy with neediness. Both of them slowly pulled away with a string of drool hanging from their tongues, staring at each other with flushed cheeks and half-lidded eyes. "Do you have anything to do after this?" [Name] asks while panting softly.

"Other than you? Not really, how about you?" Hanako bounces a question back to [Name] in which she shakes her head no. Hanako bit his lip, he looked kinda hot while doing that. "I guess it's just you and me tonight~"

Then, an idea came to his mind. Hanako glances at [Name] suggestively. "Wanna get messy with me?~" he asks, holding her chin between his thumb and pointer finger. "Like how things were getting messy last time?~"

[Name] blushed, looking down on her feet. Hanako chuckles lowly at her demeanor, she has always been sweet and shy towards the male. "I wonder how long would it take till I turn you into a mewling mess~" he teased with a playful expression and a glimpse of his fangs were showing. "Hmmm~"

"I would appreciate it if you stop teasing me..." [Name] can feel her whole face getting hotter.

"But I like teasing you dear~" Hanako implied with a cheeky smile as he booped her nose. "You're so cute I could just eat you out~"

[Name] raises her palms and places her fingertips against Hanako's lips. She shyly glances away from the vampire and muttered. "H-Hanako-kun, that's really needy of you..."

"Weren't you needy for me too?" Hanako gently yanks her hands away from his lips and then putting them around his neck as he reeled the maiden closer. "I can feel your lips mumbling for more, you know~" He says, grinning charmingly.

"Let's just continue..." [Name] blurts in with a nervous smile. Hanako tugs her closer in a kiss as [Name] eagerly kissed back. Hanako makes the kiss even more heated by moving his lips sloppily with hers.

Hanako moves [Name] to her bed, not breaking away from her lips. They both fell on the mattress while they were kissing and now Hanako was on top of her as she was underneath him. "Mmmm~ Hanako~"

"[Name], more..."

[Name] parted her lips as Hanako slips his tongue inside of her once again, exploring her wet cavern and leaves nothing unlicked. The sheets turned messy at each movement they make. Hanako pulls back, brushing his hair to the side with a smirk. "I barely did anything and you're already a hot mess~"

"Hmm~ I think I'm still needy." Hanako removes his gloves slowly with the use of his teeth. His amber eyes trailing down to her neck and chest, eyeing them with hunger causing him to lick the side of his lips. "Maybe tasting you again won't be such a bad idea~"

"What do you think? Will you let me have a taste?~"

"I don't mind, I guess..."

"Then, what if I needed more?~"

[Name] squeezed her eyes shut, turning her head away. "I'm just gonna take a tiny sip on each bite, I won't turn you into a raisin, don't worry." Hanako chuckled at her reaction, running his fingers down to her neck. "Just hold my hand again if you feel scared."

"Please be gentle..." [Name] pleaded.

"I'll try not to make it deep." Hanako assured her in which the latter nodded gravely. Hanako hooks his finger to her sleeves and lowering it down to get a better view.

"Why did you lower my dress down?" [Name] asks, feeling a little embarrassed since she's showing too much skin. "I-It feels weird..."

"It's kinda sexy~" Hanako replied with a wink and then stared at her top half. "Besides, I can see your chest better this way~"

"H-Hanako—" Hanako cuts her off by planting a soft kiss on her neck to stop her from talking. [Name] gives in too much when it comes to Hanako like an insect waltzing to a spider's web on purpose.

Not that she's complaining. [Name] is letting Hanako bite her, letting him taste her blood that excites his taste buds. She can feel him breathing against her neck. "Okay, I'll start now..."

A small squeak escapes from her lips as [Name] felt his fangs sinking down her skin, then pulling away with a bit of blood on his teeth. Hanako starts to suck the blood that is coming out from the bite. "H-Hanako-kun..." [Name] whimpered, tears forming from the corners of her eyes.

"So sweet..." Hanako licks off the running blood from her neck. "I need more..."

Hanako did the same with [Name]'s shoulders and near her chest. He wipes the bites after he took small sips of her blood with tissues. Hanako moves down to her thigh, giving it a small bite as the crimson liquid runs down in his mouth. "H-Hanako-kun~" [Name] calls him in a weak voice. "I-I think that's enough..."

"Alright then," Hanako tore his mouth away from her thigh, licking the remaining blood on his fingers and the bite mark. "Thanks for the dessert~"

"It's like you're treating me more like a dessert than an actual person." [Name] pouted.

"Sorry dear, I have a sweet tooth. You know I can't resist sweet things like you~"

[Name] initiated the kiss first, which caught Hanako off guard but he went along with it by taking the lead midway. She can probably taste her own blood since Hanako fed off her blood recently. His hands slithered down to fondle with her chest. "Mmmm~ Hanako-kun... more please..."

"You're liking this aren't you?" Hanako whispers softly in which [Name] nods her head timidly. Hanako pulls her up by her legs and wrapped them around his torso, setting her on his lap. "Look at you all hot and bothered~"

"So soft..." Hanako digs his face between her chest, inhaling her scent. [Name] patted his hair, sometimes his duality is concerning. Like a minute ago, he was ravishing her body and now he's a soft boy.

"For someone who has lived longer, you sure do act like a kid, Hanako-kun." [Name] softly said as she played with his hair. Hanako chuckled smugly and lifted his head.

"I may act like a child, but I know how to please a woman~" He smirked. His eyes glowed an ominous gold as his fangs shimmered against the candle light.

Color filled [Name’s] cheeks. "Aish you’re such a tease-" [Name] pouted and smacked his head while he laughed. Hanako leans in for a kiss, then a loud crash can be heard from outside of the room. "What was that?!"

"It's probably something else." Hanako sweatdrops, looking over to the door. "I'll check it out later, I still have to finish my treat." Hanako turns to her and smiled innocently.

[Name] was panting heavily as Hanako was groping her chest while marking her all over her top half. 'He's definitely enjoying this.' She thought as a soft moan came out of her lips. "What if someone sees the marks?"

"Then they'll know you belong to me~" Hanako smirked, cupping her cheeks and kissing her abruptly. [Name] started to unbutton his top as Hanako guides her hands till it was fully off to reveal his white undershirt. "[Name]..."

"Do you love me?" Hanako asks, his eyes turning soft towards [Name] and a small blush can be seen on his cheeks.

"Of course, Hanako-kun." [Name] smiled at the male in front of her. "I love you."

"I love you too." Hanako replied, his hand sneaking behind her, slowly lowering the zipper of her dress. Hanako connected his lips once again as he toppled on top of [Name].

It's up to your imagination on what happens next~

The next day, Hanako was back in his quarters to do his task with [Name] helping him organize the files. The telephone rang on Hanako's table, startling him a bit. "Hello, this is the manager speaking." He greeted.

"Hi, I would like to file a complaint." The guest started to speak from the other line. "Last night I heard some noises coming which made difficulty for me to sleep, maybe you can find the source of the noise? It sounded like a girl's voice if I can remember."

Hanako and [Name] knew what the person meant. [Name] blushed heavily, covering her whole face as Hanako whistled innocently. "Thank you for calling dear guest, I'll be sure to find the source of the voice and maybe I'll have a nice discussion with them~" Hanako wiggled his eyebrows at [Name], knowing that those sounds came from her.

After the call, Hanako grinned teasingly at [Name]. "I didn't know you were that loud last night~"

a/n: guess what, there's a part two :') and due to the law of nature i updated :)

[selfpositiveundertale]

Guess who slipped again ᕕ( ᐛ )ᕗ

That's right it's me

I had a bad psychotic episode recently and my husband had to call me while he was at work to talk me through it so I wouldn't scratch my face into oblivion because of the hallucination I was having at the time. I've been super depressed because my skin has just been getting worse even though I'm not picking as much. I still look like I lost a fight with a cheese grater. The scabs are taking forever to heal. I've had a migraine since Tuesday. I think I'm developing insomnia in spite of my fatigue because my brain absolutely Refuses to let me sleep and wants me to be working at all times. I can't take naps even if I'm so tired I physically can't move, and I have to force myself to go to sleep at night by taking melatonin AND some other sleep aid like Benadryl to forcibly put myself to sleep. I would probably stay up until I literally passed out if I would allow my brain to do what it wants. I have so many chores I need to get done but my brain won't let me work on anything except my Etsy stuff. I'm so tired. I just want to sleep and wake up with healed skin and less pain. Last night I had some Very Destructive Thoughts about what I could do to make myself go to sleep. I'm so hungry but my brain won't let me stop working long enough to make food. I feel like I'm falling apart. Everything hurts. When I cry my tears sting my face. I'm so tired. I have to go to Walmart but I'll probably take some Benadryl or something when I get home so I can take a nap. I'm still having destructive thoughts about making myself sleep. I don't want to die, I haven't wanted that in years, I just want to sleep for a while and wake up feeling good. Maybe buying another album from my favorite band will help me feel better. They always cheer me up. I feel like I need permission or an excuse to sleep. I want to eat something I'm allergic to so I have to take Benadryl and then I have to sleep it off. I feel like I can't sleep unless I have a really good reason, and just being tired isn't a good enough reason.

I might text my therapist about this, idk.

I'm really not okay right now. I just want to sleep. I need to take some of my own advice and remember that getting enough rest doesn't make me lazy and I should listen to my body and give it what it needs.

I need y'all to encourage me to get some rest. Please. I can't do it on my own.

[blueeyedgeorgie]

The One That Got Away-Dream Was Taken

Pronouns: She/her

Word Count: 2.4k+

_____________

'You're gonna be there, right?'

Y/n bit her lip, reading the text message for what felt like the millionth time. She had texted him 40 minutes ago, yet no reply. This had become so much more common recently and she had no idea why. Maybe it wasn't such a big deal, but it felt important to Y/n. Clay would never leave her on delivered for more than ten minutes. Even when he was streaming, he'd text her before he had begun, telling her when he'd be finished.

Tonight was an important night, they had been planning for this for months. A few members of The Dream SMP server had come out to Florida to meet up. They had planned to meet up for dinner and maybe a bottle of wine at Y/n's house afterward.

Y/n admired herself in the mirror, she wore a black dress that complimented her body well. She felt gorgeous for the first time in weeks. Usually, she didn't rely on items to make her feel good about herself. Clay was always there to compliment her or assure she was pretty. But recently, he just seemed to disappear.

It felt so hard to connect with him recently, Clay had become so quiet. Every time she texted him, she was left on delivered for hours if she wasn't left on read. It was rare for him to even send a brief text back to her nowadays. Weeks had passed since the last time Y/n was able to see Patches or hang out with Clay.

At this point, it felt like Y/n was at war with herself. Half of her was so demotivated, maybe it was time to finally leave Clay alone. The other half was demanding they had to keep trying, their friendship was just going through a rough patch right now.

'You know why you're trying to hold onto this friendship, you have feelings for him.' Y/n swallowed hard while the thought of Clay appeared in her mind again. It was true, she had grown a small crush on her blonde friend. But it wasn't her fault, It was because of the way he use to be so protective of her. The way his face lit up when he laughed. The way he just knew something was wrong. 'But that doesn't matter. It's obvious he'll never feel the same way about you.'

Before she had gotten another chance to argue with herself, Y/n's phone had buzzed. Clay? ...Wilbur.

'Hey, I'm gonna uber to the restaurant in the next few minutes. On your way?"

Letting out a sigh, she typed away. 'Getting in the car in five minutes.' She took one more glance at herself in the mirror. "He's going to be there, I know it."

"Y/n!"

"George!" Y/n smiled, picking up her pace as soon as she spotted her friend. Their arms wrapped around each other, holding one another tight. "It's so good to see you."

George let out a short laugh, "It's good to see you too, Y/n." He pulled away from the hug. He had dressed in a suit, they had planned to meet at an expensive restaurant for the night. It was recommended by Clay, it was one of his favorites.

"Anyways, we should go find our table, I think Wilbur's already here."

The pair walked side by side, friendly banter being spoken between them as they entered the restaurant. Nostalgia immediately hit Y/n as they passed through the doors, it wasn't her first time here. Multiple times in the past, Clay had brought Y/n out to eat here. The first time they ate here was the first time she had seen him in a suit.

"Y/n?"

"Oh, yes?" The h/c girl had quickly snapped back into reality, looking to her right. "I'm sorry, lost my train of thought for a moment."

"It's fine, I think I see Wilbur." George motioned to look across the room, there at a round table was another friend from the UK. Wilbur sat down, looking at something in his lap.

Biting down on her lip, Y/n had to fight back the urge to yell aloud; "Wilbur!" And run to him. When the lanky man had noticed his friends, he smiled and stood from his chair.

"Wilbur!" she whispered quietly, trying not to disturb the other tables. Quickly she shuffled over to give as big a hug as she could.

"Y/n!" He whispered back, returning the exact energy she gave.

One by one, more and more friends had arrived. Everyone seemed so happy to see each other. Eventually, it seemed as though each person was lost in a conversation... besides Y/n. She had been staring down at her phone, she was still left on delivered by Clay. 'What a dick.'

"hey, Y/n." Her head shot up, looking across the table. Niki sat there with a smile, "Just curious, is Clay showing up tonight?"

Y/n's smile faded for a second, only to reappear. "I... I doubt it. I haven't received a text message back from him, and he hasn't answered any of my calls for these past few days." She ignored George and Nick, who gave each other a certain look as she spoke. But at this point, it didn't matter. Clay wasn't going to ruin Y/n's night with her friends.

"Here, let me try and call him... would that be alright, Y/n?" George was already standing as he spoke, his phone in one of his hands.

She flashed a faked smile at him, "Yeah, I don't care, Gogy."

With that, George had excused himself from the table, already beginning to pull up Clay's contact before he even reached outside. Y/n help her breathe for a moment, watching her British friend disappear around the corner, out of sight. Usually, 'out of sight, out of mind' made sense, but not in this case. Y/n could feel her stomach doing backflips as she glanced from her phone, checking the time, only to look back to see if George had returned yet. It practically felt like time had slowed down, trying to drag these few minutes out as long as possible.

When George had returned, Y/n could already tell he didn't have good news. Just by the look on his face, she knew Clay had flaked out on all of his friends.

"Clay's gonna be a little bit late, he's bringing a surprise with him."

"A surprise?"

What surprise could Clay possibly be planning? Whatever it was, Y/n hoped it would be something to help keep their friendship from breaking apart. "Did he mention how long it'd take for him to show up?"

"He said, 15-20 minutes."

"So let's just order drinks now, he can get whatever he likes when he shows up.

If time wasn't slow enough while George was on the phone, it felt like she was stuck in time. Y/n had begun to pick at her nails nervously, this was going to be the first time they saw one another in weeks.

"Hey," Y/n felt Wilbur place a hand on her shoulder, pulling her out of her thoughts again. "Look."

She glanced up at the entrance. There he was, wearing the suit she had seen him wear for the first time. A giant grin was on Clay's face as he walked, he looked to his left. And there she was... a blond-haired girl wearing the exact same dress Y/n had picked out for tonight. Y/n could feel her cheeks flush in embarrassment.

"Hey guys," Clay spoke as soon as he came into earshot of his friends. Looking over the table, his eyes looked with Y/n's for a short second. "I want you to meet Elise."

One by one, Elise had introduced herself to each of Clay's friends. But when she reached Y/n, it felt like a stab in the stomach. "Omg, hi! You must be Y/n!" She was pulled into a quick, bone-breaking hug, "I love your dress! Oh, we're matching! How cute!" She just seemed to perfect, she was so much better than Y/n.

While an extra chair had been pulled up the table, everyone was lost in conversation. Except for Y/n, she had stayed quiet. Every now and then, she'd look over to Clay, who sat across the table. Their eyes would lock every couple of times, a strange feeling laid in the pit of her stomach when it would happen.

It seemed as though Wilbur had caught onto Y/n's anxiety. He was quick to offer his hand, allowing his friend to hold it under the table. Wilbur had always been a good friend to her, if Y/n wouldn't tell Clay about something, she'd turn to her brunette friend. So of course, he knew about her feelings towards Clay.

After placing everyone's orders, Y/n just couldn't take it anymore. Standing, she moved across the table. "Clay, could I get a moment to speak to you outside?"

"Uh, sure... Y/n." He was hesitant to stand. Before leaving the table, he had whispered something into Elise's ear.

The short walk outside was quiet. There was obvious tension between them. When the front doors opened, Clay had begun to speak.  "I-"

"No. Not right here. Around the corner." Y/n didn't stop walking, making a direct beeline for the alleyway on the left of the building. She could hear Clay let out a sigh behind her, only making her fight the urge to yell a brief; 'fuck you,' at him.

When they were finally around the corner, she had turned on her heels to face the 6'3 man. "What the fuck, Clay?"

"What?"

" 'What?' You don't get to ghost me for weeks then reply with, 'what?'  Do you know what a dick move that is? Where have you been?" She practically hissed at him, crossing her arms as she spoke. If it was possible, steam would leave her body from how upset she was.

"I've been busy, Y/n."

"Busy? So that means you cut me out of your life? After being friends for months?"

"You aren't the most important thing in my life, Y/n. You should know that." It was Clay's turn to give Y/n a nasty look. But at this point, she didn't care.

"I know, I shouldn't be the most important person in your life, Clay. But that doesn't mean shut me out of your life." She snapped at him, pushing herself up against his chest, "You know what would've been nice? Not being left on delivered or read. It would've been nice if I could receive a text every now and then catching me up about your life."

"As I said, I was busy."

"Busy! That's your only excuse, pathetic. I can tell you're busy, you have a girlfriend and I never got to meet her."

"Well,-"

"Am I the only one who didn't know about her?"

Clay froze. he knew this was the end of the line for him.

"Clay." His silence spoke loud enough. "I'm happy for you, I really am. But... it fucking hurts, you know." Y/n let out a short giggle, she could feel her eyes watering. "I loved you, you know. I loved you so damn much. If you told me to do something, I'd do it with hesitation. But it's crystal clear the feelings aren't mutual."

"Y/n..."

"No, it's fine. I'm gonna leave. Don't worry, I've ruined the night, I'm sorry. Enjoy your time with your friends, Clay. Don't let me rain on your parade any longer." Y/n had stepped back, trying to move past her friend.

"Y/n, listen to me."

"Move, Clay. God damn it."

For a few seconds, Clay continued to try and catch her attention, refusing to let her past. "Y/n, shut the fuck up. Listen to me." Out of frustration, Clay had grabbed onto the girl's shoulders, pushing her against the wall. Y/n looked down at the ground, batting back tears. "Y/n..." he sighed, moving one of his hands under her chin gently. Carefully, he made her look up at him. He always hated seeing her cry.

"I'm an idiot. A big one. Y/n... I love you too. I just didn't think you felt the same, so I decided to push you out. I looked for love somewhere else and I found Elise. But Y/n, I really do love you."

"No, you don't..." Y/n whispered softly, she shook her head as a dumb smile appeared on her face. "If you loved me, you would've made a move. You wouldn't have closed me out of your life for weeks. You wouldn't have found someone new to love. Please don't bullshit me, Clay. You know I'm not stupid."

"Y/n..." clay could feel his heart begin to crack, it hurt to see her like this.

"Please just let me go," her voice was soft as she spoke. He really did hurt her heart. "I want to say goodbye to my friends."

"I..." Letting out a sigh, he stepped back, "alright."

Clay watched as Y/n disappeared around the corner, wiping tears from her face. Why was he such a fool to let her go?

Y/n smiled as soon as her table came into sight. It would all be quick and easy. As soon as Elise noticed her, she stood from her seat. "Oh my god, are you alright?"

"Yeah, I'm okay. Just a bit chilly outside," Y/n replied, pulling Elise in for a hug. "It was so nice to meet you. You're such a lovely girl to talk to."

"Right back at you," Elise smiled at Y/n, taking her seat again.

One by one, Y/n gave each of her friends a hug goodbye. When Wilbur held her, she was quick to whisper something brief to him: "Walk me to my car?" Wilbur nodded, taking her purse for her as they walked out. On their way out, Clay had passed by them. He kept to himself, looking the other way when Y/n came into sight. When he was out of earshot, Wilbur spoke up.

"Are you okay?"

"Honestly, no. I just wanna go home and cry." Y/n let out a huff of breath. She was speed walking to keep up with her tall friend.

"Do you want me to tag along?"

"Please." As the night continued on, it seemed like both Clay's and Y/n's moods had changed drastically. While Y/n was at home watching movies and laughing with one of her best friends, Clay was stuck in the place that reminded him of Y/n, thinking about how she'd be the one who got away. Did it hurt him? Yes, but he deserved it. He was the one who ruined it all. Nothing would be the same after tonight.

[melxncholymermxid]

2021: A Year in Review

I'm normally the last person to toot my own horn and give myself flowers, but I've seen a couple posts about what we all accomplished this year, and I wanna partake.

Early 2021 was rough. A close friend had recently been in a car accident and without a car. I'd been with her at the time and we worked together, so I offered to drive her around. She has kids so it wasn't just work, it was day care, school, groceries, her dates (she had an awful breakup in summer 2020 and she was starting to get over it), smoke seshes (she lived with her mom and without a car had nowhere to smoke and she needed to to be able to eat/sleep/etc), and any other obligations she had. This lead to having issues with getting to work myself, along with burn out and resentment on both ends in our friendship.

We also got two new managers who came from a less busy store and, to be fair to them, had no idea what they were getting into. I slowly became one of the most depended on in my department while simultaneously getting shit from managers who only seemed to notice me when I did something wrong.

I started a new job in May while continuing to stay at my old one. Haven't done that since I was 18 and my new job was EXTREMELY physically demanding. Between the two jobs, stress and little to no free time to eat, I lost quite a bit of weight. I've always had body image issues and the threat gaining it all back if I quit kept me at a work flow that I knew I really couldn't manage.

At my former job there was a posting to work at one of the locations in the Hamptons (an hour ride from where I lived). They offered to pay for travel and to raise the rate up to $18 (I made 15 and had never had a raise in nearly 2 years). This sounded like a great opportunity. The pros were

A break from my toxic store

More money

Change of pace

More freedom at my new store vs my old one

The cons however clearly outweighed them

1hr drive in traffic

Rude tourists and rich people

Still maintaining my 3-4 am job and barely sleeping before going in @12 (leaving at 11)

Working 8-9 hrs an hour away meaning getting home at 10-11 and sleeping 4 hrs before getting up and getting to my job at 3

Doing the hour drive every day, back and forth because my other job was right around the corner from my place

Not seeing my nana enough and feeling neglectful

After starting I learned that the "travel pay" was deducted from the check, and with the increase of income meant more taxes. In the end I think I made less/the same amount of money.

After the summer was over, and being practically begged by my new friends I've bonded with over the past 3/4 months to stay, I went back to my old store that was just as bad, if not worse then when I left. Another new manager and new hires that did not give a fuck (honestly, I get it) that had replaced all but one person from the old crew. When I returned, aside from getting shit from coworkers who looked down on me for leaving them, I was also alone for 6 out of my 8 hours I worked every night, closing alone. This included:

cleaning the entire department: foors, ovens, fryers(multiple times during a shift if the deli manager complained about the smell), all the dishes from the day (including morning crews mess), tables, the rotisserie chicken warmers(3) in the store, dusting the shelves in our department, and whatever else they needed

Doing 5+batches of rotisserie chickens in a small oven because our rotisserie oven was deemed unsafe by our Union and the store wouldn't call maintenance

Making fried chicken and getting a talking to every time it was empty even though it takes 15 minutes to cook and I could only make 4 packages at a time because one of our dryers was also broken

Spitting all of these chickens plus 3 bins for the morning(45 minute job) to use even though I can count on one hand the amount of times that I've walked in to work with full containers

Doing the prep work our full timer didn't get to that morning (even though when I didn't finish everything she was the first one to bring it to a managers attention)

Cooking the afternoon/night hot bar food, which pre-Covid was a 2-3 person job

On top of the stress of doing all of this alone, I was also ALONE, left to my own negative self talk and self deprecating inner monologue. It didn't help that I only got shit from every single one if my superiors

A rude older coworker who I always hear the shit she says about me from other people

A manager who to this day I still believe didn't like me because I'm black

A new manager who was the most disappointed that I left the week before he transferred to run our shit hole of a department

And multiple upper management who didn't understand how I couldn't handle the jobs of 3 people by myself

After two weeks of being back and already losing my second job, I quit. I was jobless for the first time in over two years. I was 23, an adult, and had nothing to show for it.

I live with my nana because my mother spent the first 20 years of my life being emotionally neglectful and abusive. After moving out 3/4 years prior, she's had a lot of shitty circumstances and even tho our relationship has gotten better, I've carried around guilt of leaving her a year or two after my dad left.

Late 2020 was awful in terms of my body image, sexuality, romantic/sexual relationships. I swore off the possibility of a love life; coupled with the burn out of early 2021 I started to enter my ✨nothing matters✨ phase.

Why was I killing myself working? What future was investing in?

The only positive I could cling onto is that I had saved enough to take a break from the work force. I decided to use my time to look and see what the community college was offering. Seeing as there were plenty of courses that had late registration, I enrolled and started a pharmacy technician program. I was going back to school.

As difficult as it's been to return to a school environment after 6 years of mental burnout from work and adjusting to online schooling, it's the best decision I've ever made. The program only takes a year and sets you up with a job after you complete the course and qualify for the cert exam.

Through the school I'm actually able to get mental health counseling for the first time in my life. I believe in therapy and medicine, but I never believed it would work for me. Somehow my suffering was so unique, I was beyond help. Obviously I'm not "cured", my depression didn't disappear overnight, but just talking to someone once a week who I know is there to help and not judge has made a huge difference.

I also was able to qualify for health insurance, and I have a whole bunch of doctor appointments set up after the new year.

In conclusion (gd this is so long), in the year where day-to-day I felt the least in control and on the right path, looking back now I realize even though its not easy, and there's a lot of work I'm not used to anymore, I am on the right path.

As someone who is incapable of setting long term goals on my own, school gives me a feasible, time constrained goal to work towards, and just a week ago I took a midterm and got the highest grade in my class.

As someone who has felt needy and stupid and wrong my entire life, I can now see a professional and have learned that I, as a person am okay, and everything I've deemed a weakness is just a response to the trauma I didn't believe I had. My anxieties and so many things I'm insecure about are coping mechanisms my childhood self needed in order to survive on my own mentally and emotionally while I was physically being depended upon by my parents to act as a third parent my whole life.

I had a breakthrough the other day regarding my pessimistic, existentialist attitude towards life and also my relationship with myself.

My self hate is rooted in the envy of what I believe I should be and my high expectations that I hold not only myself to but others as well. I'm far more judgemental of others than I previously thought. As someone who prides themselves on being kind and people pleasing and just being a non confrontational person by nature, this all trickles down and concentrates in how I feel about and regard myself.

The person that I hate isn't me, it's the version of myself I've always aspired to. Yet the person who deals with this hate is my inner child. I'm currently very detached from my physical state rn, seeing as I don't know much about her, but I know my inner child.

I know 4 year old me that had to adjust to no longer being the only child.

I know the 8 year old me who blocked out the fact that my dad repeatedly left my mother to raise me and my siblings on her own, on and off for most my entire childhood.

I know 11 year old me who was depressed, going through puberty and was constantly othered in middle school. The 11 year old who just wanted to feel pretty and wanted and had unmonitored internet access and talked to any adult man who wanted to talk to, and SEE, me.

I know 12 year old me who only felt release and control when seeing blood stain my sleeves with holes in the thumb. And later, the 12 year old who was caught and promised that she would start to be listened to and cared about more.

The 13 year old got used to promises not being kept.

15 year old me had to adjust to new people in a new state. She was warned since she started school that we would always move, but after 11 years of knowing everything she experienced was temporary, she had no idea how to "settle in".

16 year old me had a father leave home for the final time. And after mourning the lost of a parent, had to unlearn everything she knew about her favorite parent. While he was there emotionally, when he was there, he was probably the #1 factor in my mom hating her life and not being able to express her love for us properly. I thought for years that she fucking hated me, only to realize she didn't know how and couldn't afford to get help. And the 1st man I ever cared about turned out to be a cheating deadbeat who had no issue leaving the woman he used to love and 4 kids he still convinces himself that he does love to go see family who never really fucked with us like that. He got to have a girlfriend or two and travel while my mom looked for love in anyone who would offer, in return for a place to stay.

17 year old me graduated and became the only parental figure to a 2 year old step brother that her mother and abuser then-husband were too busy to give a shit about. Then I was finally able to get a job, through a very gracious gift from my nana that I couldn't even truly enjoy because mother used to resent me for my relationship with my nana.

I never got to experience a stable childhood, and because of the failings of adults before me I'm fighting an uphill battle. But for all these iterations of me, adult me has to step up. I can't be another adult who let's them down.

I think I've never felt ready, and possibly will never feel ready, for kids is because I've got plenty to handle already.

Not so much a resolution, but some semblance of motivation for 2022 and onwards:

Whether it's work/school related, fitness related, mental health related, etc. I'm not just doing it for me. I'm doing it for the child who had to do everything herself and then some.

Sorry about the long post, if you made it this far thank you, I love you. Have a happy new year 💓