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#I know there's this thing where apparently no one who likes one of them ever likes the other and I'm here having always liked both
lw77 · 16 hours
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Diet Pepsi 💈 (LSxMV)
Chapter 1. - Angel
Max wants more than just a sub.
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Who knew helping his dad at the shop would become his own personal brand of torture. He knew his dad had regulars, but he thought they’d be – old men regulars not whatever these chippendale escapees were. 
Apparently they’re contractors, who look like every middle-aged woman’s fantasy. Including Logan’s. 
And like clock-work, the group of men enter, a few heading to the drinks and some to his mom’s home-made subs. He hears Danny’s loud laugh, followed by Charles snickering as they tease their other colleague, George, Logan’s mind helpfully supplies, as he shows them something on his phone.
Logan wonders where the other one is, Max, all ruddy cheeks, bright blue eyes and big arms, who’s sadly amiss as he looks towards the floor. 
It’s embarrassing really, how at twenty-one Logan is like a school boy with a crush. If he ever confessed all the things he’s thought, fantasised about or, God, he inwardly groans, dreamt since seeing that man, it would have his Priest drowning him in holy water. 
A tap at the counter knocks Logan out of his thoughts, as he sees Danny in front of him ready to cash out. Like he knew what was going through Logan’s head, Danny’s smile stretched wider, “What’s wrong Logie boy, you disappointed it's just us today?” 
Logan squeaks as he’s caught out, face aflame, “No idea what you’re talking about, um– will that be all?” gesturing to the stack of subs and drinks Danny’s placed on the counter. 
“I think you doooo Logie boy.” Danny croons winking, as Logan speeds up his scanning before Danny can say anything else. It doesn’t stop the man from resting his forearms on the counter and wiggling his eyebrows.
“You’re awful, I’m telling my mom not to make any more of her salami subs.” Logan whines, trying to threaten Danny’s favourite sub away in hopes of ending his teasing. 
Danny smiles cheekily in response, “Your mother loves me, she would never do that” as he taps his credit card on the reader. 
Putting the items in plastic bags, “Maybe I’ll just throw them all away then.” Logan says petulantly. Taking the bags from Logan, “Oh come on Logie boy, that would just be wasteful. Now don’t you worry, he’ll be back next week!” Danny shouts with one last wink as he heads out. 
It’s loud enough that Charles and George, who were still hanging by the front, look up and laugh as if they know exactly who Danny is referring to. It makes Logan let out an embarrassed “Danny” as he hears the group’s laughter continue out the store. 
_______________________
Logan is snug in their usual booth, waiting for Alex and Oscar to return with their first round. They’re celebrating Alex’s new job tonight.
“Alright, two pitchers of beer for us and a Sommersby cooler for the princess!” Oscar announces loudly as he sets down their drinks. Logan snatches the cooler and pulls it closer.
“Oh, come on, Logie bear. You know we’re just teasing you,” Alex says, only making Logan scowl more.
“Seriously, what’s gotten into you this week? Did your mom accidentally sew up your fuck-me jeans again or something?” Oscar asks, furrowing his brows in genuine curiousity.
Logan groans and sinks further into his seat. “No, worse.”
“Did she try to set you up with one of her awkward co-op students again?” Alex asks.
Sitting up, Logan protests, “Okay, that was one time! Checo was sweet—he just had really sweaty hands.” Realizing how pitiful that sounds once he says it, he rests his head against the booth's cushion.
Alex and Oscar sit in silence, giving him space to finally share what’s bothering him.
“You know those hot regulars my dad has? The Chippendale escapee contractors? Danny Ricc—you know him, Alex.” Leaning in, Logan hisses, “Well, they definitely know I’m into their friend or colleague, whatever he is.”
“Yeah well, Logan, you’re not exactly subtle. It’s pretty obvious you’ve got a crush on that guy,” Oscar replies, in an all too annoyingly factual tone, Logan decides.
“And your pupils get huge dude when you like someone. There’s no hiding your attraction buddy,” Alex adds, raising his hands in surrender.
“Oh my god, how am I going to face him now that I know his friends know? Meaning, he knows too. So mortifying,” Logan says, fully aware he’s whining when they’re supposed to be celebrating Alex. “Sorry, I’ll snap out of it… or I’ll move out of town.” He says the last part a little too seriously for his friends.
“Anyway, that’s my week. Now—Alex, come on, tell us about the job! The floor is yours.” Logan gestures with a flourish.
Alex and Oscar share a look. “I got hired to consult as an architect.”
Logan perks up and excitedly congratulates Alex, asking where. “At Danny Ric’s company—your favorite!”
“Oh my god, you’re going to be a part of the Chippendale escapees?” Logan squeals, both hands slammed on the table as he leans over in excitement.
Oscar, observing the scene then asks, “Time for a cheers then?”
“To Alex joining the Chippendale escapees!” they cheer, clinking their beers and can together.
“Oh my god, you’re going to work with Max. Alex, you love me, right? You’ll tell me if he ever talks about me, or if he says I’m cute?” Logan continues, getting even more embarrassing. Oblivious to the widening eyes of Alex and Oscar as they glance behind him.
“…Oh my god, he came in muscle tee a few weeks ago and I just wanted to bite his biceps because they looked so big and they are so big—”
“Ow! What the hell, Oscar? We use our words now.” Logan admonishes, bending in his seat to rub where he got kicked. But he freezes as he hears a familiar laugh. Looking up, he sees Danny standing by their table, amused, and oh god, Max, arms crossed and wearing an equally amused expression.
Now looking no better than his best friends, Logan’s eyes are wide, his face is scarlet, and his mouth hangs open in shock as he realizes they must have heard everything—or at least enough. Maybe he can learn to love Checo’s moist, moist, hands because Mexico is definitely far enough.
“Hey, boys, didn’t mean to interrupt your evening. Just came over to congratulate our dear little Alex on joining the company! Our youngest yet!” Danny sings, wiping a tear for dramatic effect.
Meanwhile, Logan, snapping out of his deer-in-headlights look, is now studiously examining the table varnish, hoping the two men forget his earlier soliloquy over the other's (big) arms.
Good-naturedly, Alex invites Danny and Max to join them in the booth, leaving Logan pressed arm to leg against Max, his best friend completely uncaring of Logan’s gay panic.
Logan starts drinking from his can, hoping to avoid any conversation. But before long, Danny, Alex, and Oscar finish the two pitchers and decide they need to get the next round. Logan’s eyes widen as he mentally pleads, *Don’t leave me alone.* But both Oscar and Alex blissfully ignore him.
Staring at his drink as if it's the most interesting thing, Logan catches a glimpse of Max turning his way.
“Heard you missed me at the store.”
Logan looks at him, feeling his cheeks flush. As Alex pointed out earlier, his attraction to Max is probably written all over his face.
“I—um, no, just wondering where you all were,” he stutters, wetting his lips. “Not just you.” He leans back against the wall as Max essentially cages him in the booth, one arm resting on the back and the other bent on the table. Max’s body warmth and sandalwood cologne envelop Logan, blanketing his senses. Max’s gaze drops to Logan’s lips, a small smirk playing on his face, "Really?" he prompts, "Ye-yeah" Logan breathes out, Max's eyes flick up to Logan's at his answer and his lips break into a smile as he replies simply “Okay, if you say so.”  And, all too soon, he leans back, creating some space as the sounds of the bar filter in again, grounding Logan, feeling like he must be in heaven with Max so close.
Clearing his throat as Danny and the others join the table, Logan sits up, gratefully accepting a new can from Oscar, who gives him a knowing look while subtly elbowing Alex. Now both friends are watching him with knowing smiles, taking in his flushed cheeks and wide eyes.
Logan glares back but falters when he feels a big hand settle just above his knee, giving it a gentle squeeze. He realises he’s being asked a question. “Oh—I'm sorry, what?” he asks, confused, snapping his gaze to Max. 
It’s Danny, looking past Max with a mischievous glint in his eyes. He repeats his earlier question, fully aware of why Logan is distracted. “I asked if you’re excited to see your best friend every day now. Since your mom’s subs are legendary. And essential to a good work day”
Logan’s disbelief drips from his tone as he asks, “Even if all we have is the veggie one, Danny?” He raises his eyebrows for added effect.
Danny crosses his hand over his heart dramatically. “Even the veggie one, Logie boy! Although some of us come for the service too.” He finishes with a sidelong glance at Max.
Max, whose relaxed against the booth with his body still angled toward Logan and a comfortable hand resting on Logan’s thigh from when he squeezed it earlier to get his attention. At Danny’s insinuation, Max looks down at Logan, a small smile tugging at his lips as he gives Logan’s thigh another gentle squeeze, this time higher up, and shrugs.
The warmth from Max's touch sends a flutter through Logan's stomach, mingling with a simmering feeling in his chest that he can’t quite identify.
Thankfully, Logan is saved from responding as Oscar pulls Danny’s attention away, asking what project they’ll be starting on.
In the most teasing tone he can muster despite his fluster, he whispers, “So, service?” Looking up at Max from beneath his eyelashes.
Max leans in closer, his voice low. “You’re not the only one who's been looking, Angel.”
Logan’s face heats up further. The nickname doesn’t help his battle against arousal or the realisation that he was not subtle at all.
He blinks as he responds with a soft “uh-huh,” nodding his head, his mind feeling like cotton from their proximity and Max’s admission of mutual attraction.
Max’s gaze drifts to Logan’s lips just as Logan nervously bites his bottom lip. He’s on the verge of saying something—or maybe hoping for something more—when a cough interrupts them, making both of them look up at a smirking Danny.
“While the image of you two is a relief, we have to head back. Poker night! We just had to stop to congratulate you, Alex, on joining us.”
Logan, embarrassed by Danny’s comment, groans into his hands, while Alex thanks Danny brightly. Glancing at Danny, as he waits for Max, he leans into Logan’s ear, whispering, “See you tomorrow, Angel,” and with one last squeeze to Logan's thigh he’s out of the booth and heading for the door behind Danny. Leaving Logan bright red, his arousal flashing like a stop sign, and his two best friends laughing at his expression.  
Unhelpfully, Alex says, “Guess this means you don’t have to skip town anymore.” To which Oscar shouts, “Hear! Hear!” Logan can’t help but giggle, his embarrassment fading as he nods in agreement.
Author's note: So I listened to Diet Pepsi by Addison Rae and I just kept seeing buff/fit Max (white t-shirt, gold cross in blue jeans) and Logan vm baby boy/angel and big blown out eyes and parted lips when Max comes into his dad's store with his co-workers/friends. (i was going for a lil age diff but mostly size difference)
also i was gonna make it hotter but its like jesus had a hand on my shoulder as i got to it. maybe next chapter
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absolutebl · 1 hour
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This Week in BL - So Many GREAT Kisses!
Organized, in each category, with ones I'm enjoying most at the top.
(Please notice I am now using 6 dots in all ellipses because according to Taiwanese BL that's how we queers roll. Who am I to argue?)
Sept 2024 Week 3
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Ongoing Series - Thai
Jack & Joker (Thai Mon IQIYI) ep 2 of 12 - A most excellent glow up. And it’s still a great show. And I cannot wait to see the many different faces of War. Bring on the Leverage of One action-packed mess. I'm waiting.  
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Monster Next Door (Thai Thurs Gaga ) ep 9 of 12 - I’m gonna say this because it drives me crazy. Why are boys in BL, when out and about the countryside, always dressed inappropriately for Thailand? If it’s hot, takeoff your damn jacket. I don’t mean to be crass or crazy or whatever. But don’t wear a jacket when it’s 90° with 90% humidity. In Thailand, jackets are for malls. Meanwhile, I’m an extrovert and that still seemed like an exhausting trip. Although, I suppose they didn’t show all the drive time in the van, when everyone is asleep.
Meanwhile, why are the sides so frustrating in this show? Authentic friends-to-lovers is always a slog. Finally a kiss! And a decent one.
New character? Aw! Hi Yu!!!! Gosh Putter is so cute.
Where were we? Oh yes, Beer is now heartbroken. Always the great fear in F2L that the friendship will be destroyed as a result. And it’s a decent fear. 
On a completely different note, I cannot help but wonder when somebody’s chue len is Beer, if that is because beer was involved in their conception. Like, it’s the name you give your "oops baby" from that drunken night at the club. Don’t mind me. I’m just over here in the corner being crass.
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Battle of the Writers (Sun YT) ep 8 of 12 - That was one of the cutest wake up sequences ever depicted. Utterly adorable. And now he’s blind again? Oh my God this is such a soap opera, I can’t even. Meanwhile, wicked ice prince finally made his move. Gah! Why aren’t we getting more of this couple? I always love the sides best with this production house.
I Saw You in My Dream (Weds Gaga) ep 10 of 12 - I love a hard fraught game of badminton. Even though we actually didn’t see play. YoIng claiming was so cute!!! And their shower kiss was v hot. Yay little show! Also cute use of the punishment trope!
Kidnap (Fri YT) ep 3 of 12 - The weight upon the shoulders of our idiot good guy kidnapper continues to pile up. So does the affection. The dude playing Q has sanpaku eyes. Cool. He’s not a particularly good actor though. Rough because everyone around him is giving their very best.
The problem is. I'm noticing. I shouldn't be noticing all the talent trying so hard. That usually means there is something wrong with the story, or there was something wrong on the set.
I don't know what to say at this juncture except I have the sinking suspicion this might not actually be a good show. (Covers head and cowers. Don't hate me.) I'd loved to be proved wrong, but my faith is GMMTV is only about 50% these days. And it probably should be lower.
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Addicted Heroin (Thai Tues WeTV) ep 6 of 10 - I was so confused by how we suddenly got on a trip together, that I went back and re-watched the previous installment. And it still isn’t explained. So I have no idea why our leads are on a trip but apparently that’s the next trope to hit. I also have no idea how they're suddenly boyfriends. I’m just generally confused by this episode. It’s like an alt reality. We skipped over all of the stuff where they actually got into a relationship. In general I wasn’t wild about this episode.
The Trainee (Sun YT) ep 12fin - The most realistic thing about this show is that everybody is everybody else’s ex on any given set. I feel that in my bones. Or do I mean boner?
Frankly, both actors look better after a glow up and I guess pretending to be more their actual ages suits them? Considering what was actually done to invoke youth (a lot of the shine and gloss) aging them was an anti-glow up. A great mattification? Well...... this was a somewhat lackluster finale. (Thank you, thank you, the pun was unplanned. It's a gift.)
I don’t know. I guess I wanted to see Jane suffer? Work HARD to get the kid he abandoned back? I would’ve liked to have seen Ryan a little bit more competent and capable and his job. Maybe dating someone else. But I also do not want any more episodes. This was more than enough. So instead no separation, just boyfriends and a montage of their lives together, getting new and better jobs, moving in together, being supportive and sweet, etc... LOOK: It’s never a good sign when I immediately want to rewrite the show that I just saw.
In conclusion:
A story about a group of interns at a commercial video production company. While I genuinely love OffGun, I’m not convinced this was a good vehicle for them. Is it terrible for me to say, I miss their PickRome days? I don’t think they’ve ever had rolls that suited them better. Still, theirs was the best storyline in this ensemble piece masquerading as a BL, although they still fumbled the ending. Thus, I enjoyed about a 1/3 of it as much as possible, and 2/3 of it less than conceivable. 7/10 and I seriously considered dropping it to a 6/10 so don't push me.
Love Sick 2024 (Thai Sun iQIYI) ep 1 of 15 - Not gonna lie I was very skeptical. But I like it fine. Better than I expected because it’s been changed just enough. But it does need to stay changed. I don’t know what I’m trying to articulate here but…... I guess we’ll see.
Live in Love (Sun Gaga) ep 3 of 5 - It’s cute in a weird disjointed way. I’m enjoying it enough, I guess. I do like how forthright and direct Kla is. 
Bad Guy My Boss (Thai Sun Gaga) ep 1 of 10 - Ah. Bully romance. My old frenemy. Of course making this office based means +10 for workplace harassment. Well well well. This will be red flag party town I see. How VERY old school yaoi. It’s all very Cdrama CEO = dudes in suits walking on parquet (minus all the gay sex of course.) The jumping around between times and unfinished scenes is very strange. Is this Starhunter chaos only applied to a timeline?
Imma say this so they hear it at the back. YOU HAVE TO CHANGE THE HAIR. If you do time jumps: change. the. hair. It's the easiest and best clue if you aren't going to apply a filter or other cinematography tricks. JUST CHANGE THE DAMN HAIR STYLE.
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Ongoing Series - Not Thai
The On1y One (Taiwan Thurs Gaga) eps 9-10 of 12 - And now we all start using six dots in our……? A new coded way to indicate that one is into BL? I did think we were in a slight mire with ep 9, too much teacher filler. Not enough time spent with our boys. Meanwhile, sports day. Pouty Baby utilizing the power of Ge, in front of all of the classmates who do not realize how hard he is flirting and activating babygirl = one of the greatest things ever to happen on my screen. Essentially this was a version of the claiming trope, only nobody knew it but the two of them. Fucking genius. Yes, I watched it multiple times. Then babygirl is injured, the carrying and the flirting!!!! Gah!
I don’t mean to trivialize the show, but this is me and I can trivialize everything even something as brilliant as this. But that conversation about history at the beginning of ep 10...... Was that about topping and bottoming? Because it sure seemed that way.
And then...... Possibly the best only one bed trope twist ever?
This show is so fucking amazing.
And I am so worried about the end.
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Sugar Dog Life (Japan Sun grey) ep 7 of 10 - I love the kinkyness of our baby boy’s fantasy. Where he is the gift and his boyfriend is in uniform. Very nice. Thank you Japan. Never one to let kinky dogs lie. Also, the premise continues: one half thinks that they are already boyfriends and acts like it, and the other half is still trying to become a boyfriend. It’s absurd in that way that only Japanese miscommunication extraordinaire can be absurd. Also could Kyosuke be any more under his boy’s thumb? 
Love is Like a Poison AKA Doku Koi: Doku mo Sugireba Koi to Naru (Japan Tues Netflix?) 1-2 of 10 eps - Shiba is a top lawyer, angular aggressive bespectacled workaholic cat-type (Kitten? Babygirl? Tsundere? Some unholy combination of all 3?) I am reminded I should be more considerate of my potted plants. OMG the teasing and the little tongue sticking out. Haruto is such a flirt. I love this dynamic. What fun! Manic pixie dream boy but MAKE HIM EVIL! Or very high? Or a grifter? I have absolutely no idea what’s going on. But I’m enjoying it. It’s very...... very
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First Note Of Love (Taiwan Mon Gaga) ep 7 of 12 - Oh! Good kiss. Smart to have the younger character initiate. I also like that he put a stop to it and then went and had a long conversation with a friend about it. Cautious boy. Also shows how in control of the situation Sea is becoming. It works for this BL since he has the stronger personality. I don't care what the characters say, this is about Sea becoming a rock for Neil.
But the secondary couple is actually winning this show. I want so much more of them. 
Seoul Blues (Korea Fri? YouTube) ep 8fin - I’m not sure that blackmailing and entrapment, especially of your ex, necessarily justifies cheating. Plus I never like it when it’s gays against gays. But what did I expect from this show? This whole series was basically Korea’s version of messy gay. If you liked Only Friends you’ll probably enjoy this bullshit. And they were quite pretty. I, however, am monumentally displeased. 4/10 FATALLY FLAWED but still, basically, BL, however…... do we want to support this kind of behavior?
KOREA PLEASE GIVE US A NEW PROPER BL!! WHERE ARE YOU? WE ARE SAD AND LOST WITHOUT YOU.
It's like now they discovered boys can kiss they can't be happy.
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It's airing but...
The Hidden Moon (Sat WeTV) ep 1 of 10 - This is a supernatural romance (my ghost boyfriend trope) by Violet Rain (I Feel You Linger). A man is hired to write an article about an old mansion in Chiang Mai being converted into a café. He sees the ghosts of people who died at the mansion, falls in love with one of them. Was substantially recast. I loved IFYLITA except the ending so I think I'll let this one run it's course you can tell me if it's work tracking down... if they managed to land it. I have my doubts.
Happy of the End (Japan Tues Gaga) - A boy is disowned for being gay, dumped by his boyfriend, and ends up in a dysfunctional co-dependant relationship with his would-be kidnapper. We were due for another messy JBL and it's exactly as expected. I do not like it at all. And ya know what? There is plenty airing. DNF 
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In case you missed it
I FINISHED Meet You at the Blossom (China). I ate crow, binged the fucker, and live blogged the experience. I enjoyed it a lot and got quite witty (I think) there are also puns (warning). But if you don't wanna slog though it, here are my final thoughts:
This was undeniably a wuxia and most definitely a BL. Evil stunning princely Cheekbones meets and falls in love with the bisexual disaster Dimples of his dreams. There’s a lot of floaty fighting, tangled plot, and overworked emotions. From start to finish it is exactly as it claims to be, including more than the expected amount of sexual claiming (dubious conscent to the point of rape). I’m not wild about the wuxia genre, but I will tell you what I do like: Very pretty men in flowing robes + eye makeup + hair ribbons wafting about stabbing and kissing each other plus ridiculous soap opera machinations. I also like cheekbones and dimples. AND I love a stupid gay sleeve, okay? There was also truly epic levels of stink-eye, and that too is to be lauded. This show left me grinning like crazy. Was it great? Not really, but it was a great experience and I enjoyed it immensely. 8/10
4 Minutes (Gaga) Ended - Spies reported in to say the ending was not-exactly-unhappy and mostly lackluster. I'm torn over whether to watch. My natural disinclination to binge, meets my dissatisfaction with wishy-washy, is going up against my love of high heat and pretty men. Oh the age old struggle between art and lust.
Mitsuya-sensei no keimakutekina ezuke finished and it’s reported to be solid. Age gap treated with respect. I'm curious, so I'll check it out if I can get hold of non-G-drive subs.
Next Week Looks Like This:
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Upcoming BLs for 2024 are listed here. This list is not kept updated, so please leave a comment if you know something new or RP with additions.
Still Coming Sept 2024:
9/28 Teenager Judge (Vietnam Sat YouTube) ?? eps - oh I don't know just Ba Vinh doing his thing with pretty boys again.
THIS WEEK’S BEST MOMENTS
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I love love love this execution of the punishment trope. What's Ai going to do to you, Yu? Ride you to death?
I Saw You in My Dream indeed.
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Sigh. This show. (Addicted Heroin)
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All praise one of BL's best-in-show glow-ups. Nicely done, Jack.
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James, on the other hand. Never needs a glow-up. Still the prettiest. Has been since Oxygen. (Battle of the Writers)
He's playing the role of Saint in this show, thank you very much. Speaking of which, wouldn’t that be just the most gorgeous pairing in the entire universe? Saint and James? I’ll be in my bunk. 
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Taiwan giving us a boop! Reminds me of Be Loved In House I Do, right up there with TharnType as chronic boopers.
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Why is he SO GOOD in this show?
All Frist Note.
(Last week)
Streaming services are listed by how I (usually) watch, which is with a USA based IP, and often offset by a day because time zones are a pain.
The tag BLigade: @doorajar @solitaryandwandering @my-rose-tinted-glasses @babymbbatinygirl @babymbbatinygirl @isisanna-blog @mmastertheone @pickletrip @aliceisathome @urikawa-miyuki @tokillamonger @sunflower-positiiivity @rocketturtle4 @blglplus @anythinggoesintheshire @everlightly @renafire @mestizashinrin @bl-bam-beyond @small-dark-and-delicious @saezurumurmurs
Sigh, Tumblr in its infinite wisdom doesn't like too many at-ings.
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tgmsunmontue · 10 hours
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Never knew I was missing you 1/? WIP
Jake is just trying to find a connection. Shame the guy he connects with the most is lying about his identity online; because he sure as hell isn't A-list Hollywood star Bradley Bradshaw.
PART ONE
                Bradley hadn’t ever meant to become famous. He’d just been minding his own business, doing his own thing and adding some extra curriculars to his schedule to pad his USNA application when someone had sidled up to him after the school production and asked him if he’d ever considered doing it professionally.
                He’d been so confused he’d had to ask do what professionally?
                Act.
                Apparently, he has a flair for the dramatic.
                When he’d relayed this, Ice had rolled his eyes and looked at Mav and muttered I wonder where he gets that from and Mav had, for some reason, just snapped his teeth and then said truly a mystery.
                Bradley had just decided it was safer to ignore them and leave them to their dramatics, because who did they think they were kidding if they weren’t equally dramatic? So he figured he’d give it a shot. He had a year left of high school, and he could delay joining the Navy. Weirdly Maverick had been incredibly supportive, almost pushing him toward it, but he had left all his options open, and then… Well, he’d been asked to do a screen test, and then he’d done an audition and reading, which had then spiraled into being the previously unknown but now new-and-upcoming-star of Hollywood.
                All that is over ten years ago now, he’s closing in on thirty, regularly on the most eligible bachelor and sexiest men lists to his mortification, and he’s also considered one of the most billable actors. He was open about his sexuality from the start, despite his agent advising him against it. So he’d found a new agent, who had crafted a very well worded statement which meant that Bradley has remained scandal free because he’s… Well, he’s pretty boring really. When he takes people out on dates they seem to think he’s going to be like one the characters he plays, and are always a little (or a lot) disappointed when they realize that Bradley is just… well, Bradley.
                “I made you a dating profile,” Callie says, slapping his phone onto his chest and Bradley grabs for it before it can slide down and hit the floor.
                “You did what now?”
                “A dating profile.”
                “Yeah. Sorry, I got that part. I meant why?”
                “Because you haven’t left the house for anything other than work in three weeks.”
                “So? I’ve been keeping busy. Plus I don’t have trouble finding someone to date. When I actually want to go on a date.”
                “Uh…”
                “What?”
                “I’d like to hold up exhibits A through D. Your last relationship and the last three dates you went on. All fucking disasters. If not PR wise, then romantically and-or sexually. Disasters. With a capital D.”
                “And he wants another type of D!” Neil calls out and Bradley rolls his eyes, because of course Neil is chipping in.
                “Do I have an HR department? Can I report you both to HR?”
                “Nope. You’re stuck with us. Your fault for hiring people who know you’re just a giant nerd with no game whatsoever,” Callie says with a grin as she settles on the sofa beside him and shoves her cold feet under his thighs.
                Bradley groans, he hates it when they’re right.
…            …            …
                Jake flicks through the profiles, looking for something to catch his attention. He doesn’t need perfect looking bodies, or dick-pics, he sees enough of both in the locker room. Plus he gets plenty of unsolicited dick-pics whenever he’s horny enough to reinstall Tinder and got looking for something uncomplicated. Of course, as he’s gotten older he wouldn’t mind something a bit more complicated, but some people like having a partner or boyfriend that is around, and Jake isn’t a lot of the time. So his job can be somewhat of a deal breaker, has been in nearly all his past relationships. He reads over his profile and he should probably take out GGG if he wants to be serious about something more but… It’s still true.
GGG Flyboy looking for something a little more heavy duty than a ONS but only in town for six weeks.
                He keeps scrolling and then there’s a picture of A-list actor Bradley Bradshaw and he snorts in amusement. He sure as fuck wouldn’t be on a fucking dating app if he was Bradley Bradshaw. He reads the profile and laughs again.
Half-decent actor, boring AF human. Hobbies include avoiding social interactions with people I don’t know, pinball machine restoration and building model planes. WLTM genuine M or F for dating to something more serious.
                He’s got nothing better to do, so he fires off a message.
>>No way you’re actually Bradley Bradshaw. Catfishing is illegal you know.
>>But I am actually Bradley Bradshaw.
>>Yeah, and I’m a veterinarian and part-time fire fighter.
>>Pretty sure Bradley Bradshaw wouldn’t be admitting to the world that his favorite past times are building model airplanes and restoring pinball machines.
>>Also if you don’t like social interactions with people you don’t know then a dating app is NOT the place for you.
>>I like pinball machines.
>>Well. I like playing pinball. The machines are just kind of necessary for that and sometimes I need some quiet time.
>>Plus this app wasn’t my idea. My friend made my profile.
>>Sure buddy.
>>Your ‘friend’ has some mad photoshop skills though.
>>Legit looks like Bradshaw is working on that pinball machine.
>>That’s an original Lumet. And I am working on it.
>>Not the oldest one I have, but the one that needs the most work.
>>Sure. Okay.
>>So what do you do?
>>I’m in the Navy.
                Jake settles back, wonders if the guy has even bothered reading his profile.
>>Huh. Flyboy. Aviator then?
                There’s his answer.
>>Yep. What do you do?
>>Restore pinball machines and lie about my identity on dating apps apparently.
                Jake laughs, and at least the guy has got a good sense of humor, even if what he’s doing is illegal. Jake’s never been that much of a stickler and he’s not hurting anyone.
>>Also said you build model planes. What kind? Vested interest and legit first hand knowledge….
>>Wait, your username is Brad2lover? You’re a fan?
>>Yeah, hello, I’m not blind. Guy’s scorching hot. And yeah, I guess I’m a fan. But he can do whatever the fuck he wants when he’s not working.
>>Except restore pinball machines. That’s the step too far?
>>He wouldn’t be using a dating app to hook up.
>>Wouldn’t need to.
>>You’d think that wouldn’t you.
>>And not looking to just hook up.
                Jake rolls his eyes. He could fucking start be being honest with who he is, but he feels like he might as well be talking to a brick wall with as far as he’s been getting there. So he’ll talk.
>>Well, I am and I am not…
>>?
>>Vague.
>>Well. I’ve got six weeks leave. I’d like to find something more than hooking up, but most people need more than six weeks to want a relationship, so I’m…
>>In a catch-22 situation.
>>So going to try meeting someone on this app and get to know them and then… what?
>>You’re still going to be deployed again for months on end.
>>Yeah, no shit. Got to at least try though right?
>>Might get lucky.
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Red Mountain Waffle House pt. 13
Author's Note: Tw for some blood. Jiub is a troll. For those looking for canon Sotha Sil behavior, boy are YOU gonna be disappointed
This one snuck up on me
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One week, then two.
Jiub found his Venmo occasionally pinging with small amounts from Sadara, who sent apology notes in each one. Honestly, he didn't blame her, but he wouldn't say no to to the extra money. He turned her room into another grow spot and it was doing okay, but still not to the level that having her there to contribute to rent had.
She hadn't come back, but there hadn't been much for her to come back for. A dresser, a bed. Those handful of receipts from Suran in the trash can he still hadn't emptied.
The Waffle House was doing a little worse for her absence, at least in his opinion.
The new waitress was an ashlander, and icily polite to those with corprus. Maybe they weren't the best people, but their money spent like anyone else's, and he couldn't figure out why all of a sudden NOW Nibani would want to piss them off by instructing new employees to act like this. It had driven off a few of them, or at least he thought so - it was hard to tell some of the ash ghouls apart from one another.
A few of the ash creatures had asked where Sadara was. The new waitress didn't know; neither did Nibani, whose answer was, "She no longer works here."
Jiub kept silent; he sure as hell wasn't talking. Sadara had sent him a Discord message (she'd outright deleted Morrotwitter) asking him to not tell anyone where she was, and he'd kept to it.
She didn't hadn't added any specifics about what exactly had happened on her little trip to Red Mountain. He'd asked a second time and she replied, 'Nothing we're not used to hearing.'
For a few days after that she sent random pictures of gnarly wounds from fighting cliffracers and other wildlife, and then of the scars once she healed up. There were also a few pics of cliffracers being turned on a spit over a fire, and a little 'wish you were here this thing tasted great' message a couple days in row.
Then there started being images of the inside of some cave along the coast near Tel Fyr.
The Fyrs are paying me 200 gold a week for blood and plasma, apparently I'm RH null blood type. it's special or something. and being immune to corprus makes them want it too, so. Not doing too bad.
Sounds great. What's up with the cave?
Oh, it's near Tel Fyr. Easy access. There's some khajiit and argonians here too, cave's big enough to share, so we do.
How do you share a cave?
We just have bedrolls in different areas. I feel like I got the biggest spot because it used to be a slave pen and they don't want to sleep over here ever again. It's not that bad. We've even got pets.
the fuck kind of pets do you have over there? lost scribs?
couple of fat slaughterfish we feed fish and scraps to. One we call Betty White and the other we call Wilson. They try to bite us but honestly they're big enough it's hard for them to move fast enough for it. So they'll mainly just hiss and make noise until they get food.
"Excuse me, cook? Are you paying any attention to the food at all, or are you destroying my eggs on purpose?"
"Your eggs are fine," Jiub replied, tucking his phone away. The customer in question had come in a few times, and was - well, honestly, such a stick in the mud it was fun to tease him. He was very particular about his food, wanted his waffles turn an even number of times...so Jiub always made sure not to do that.
Sotha Sil himself. Not all that impressive, at least not to Jiub. He said he came there because the sound of the blight winds was relaxing, and when he needed relative silence this was a good place to have it.
And his fried eggs were always just slightly runny.
"Here, I'll redo 'em if you want, I was hungry anyway."
He handed a newly finished plate of waffles to the new waitress, who took them to another ashlander in the corner.
"Do you have no pride at all in your work?"
"I'm cooking eggs and waffles for 10 septims an hour, there is no pride in this work," Jiub replied with a shrug.
"You are an insubordinate imp--no. No, I will waste no more time on your shenanigans. This is not what I am here for. Just cook the food." Sotha Sil huffed, and turned back to the laptop in front of him.
It was a far cry from the nigh-emotionless construct Jiub had heard Sotha Sil described as. Something, it seemed, had set the man on edge...he'd asked a couple people if something had happened to set Sotha Sil off what he was usually like. Most people couldn't see such little things, little signs of being potentially angry, or annoyed, or any number of similar things. But due to long experience, Jiub was a master at seeing it.
He'd reached a point in his life where he was looking to get humbled again. His success with Almalexia had made him feel almost bored - if he could off her so easily (however temporarily it lasted), really, how much farther was there to go? Maybe Sotha Sil would be different. Maybe he'd be tougher, somehow...
How little a thing would it take to push him over and make him screech?
He could already hear Sadara's voice chiding him for it. You little troll, you just want your ass kicked, don't you?
Well. Maybe he did.
The waitress went outside to handle the garbage, and so Jiub was the one to deliver the plated food. He glanced down at the laptop, and saw a familiar sight.
A Pokemon battle.
And more importantly...
"Superiorsil? So it's YOU! I should've guessed," Jiub set the food down and went over to clean the stove.
"What do you mean, you should've guessed?" Sotha Sil's voice had turned accusatory.
Jiub turned back, and gave a deep smirk as he extended his hand. "Jiuberjabber. How ya doin'?"
A pause.
A long, uncomfortable pause.
And then, Sotha Sil - master of the monotone, king of the cutting politeness, suzerain of stony looks - leaped over the counter and wrapped both hands around JIub's neck.
Both mer crashed to the ground and despite the pain and increasing lack of oxygen all Jiub could do was laugh.
"You idiot--pathetic--little WORM!" Sotha Sil was snarling, "You broke my perfect record!"
"It's just a game, man," Jiub struggled, trying to get one hand into his back pocket. Still the laughter persisted, even harder because he saw how much it infuriated the mer above him. Or maybe it was due to the choking. "Don't take it so seriously."
He managed to get his trusty box-cutter out, and took a few stabs in the area of his opponent's ribs. Jiub and Sotha Sil wrestled about in this fashion another few minutes, getting the latter's blood all over the floor.
"What happened to the calm magus, huh?" Jiub, still giddy from the lack of air, went on, finally getting to his feet and backing away, box-cutter at the ready. "Oh, wait, you are what the people need you to be, right? I've read the sermons."
"That wasn't IN the sermons you illiterate cretin," Sotha Sil stood, his pristine white robe now utterly ruined. The stab wounds were healed over quickly, and he looked ready to fight--
--and then suddenly bristled, snatched a to-go box, stuffed the food he'd left uneaten into it.
"Come back soon," Jiub, still in the mood to tease, energized by the fight, blew a capricious kiss at the furious mer before him.
Sotha Sil left, muttering under his breath.
Jiub then looked at the ashlander in the corner.
"You gonna tell the Temple about that?"
"Who the fuck would believe me?"
Grumbling, and thinking he was far too sober for this, Jiub moved off to the bathroom to snort some skooma. Nibani would be in within an hour, and he needed the blood cleaned up by then. The waitress, utterly horrified by what she had just witnessed, didn't look like she was going to be staying long enough to do the job.
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bacchuschucklefuck · 5 months
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this whole thing being abt rage is also really interesting. I feel like it comes up so much in fiction as a motive because it's the one emotion that's unifyingly restless while everything else can be petrifying, and just personally nothing hits like impotent rage for me, esp. with teen characters, esp. with characters whose rage is stoked by Someone Else to further that Someone Else's cause. like you'll have done all that in a bout of passion and when you're done you look around you and nothing has changed. those sentiments don't get quelled by being satisfied. righteousness withdrawal is a horrible thing to intentionally drag someone into, least of all just some kids.
#I think Ive brought my personal experience into this whole thing lol but yeah just.#the ratgrinders read so much like radicalization to me. or you know just. high control group recruitment#and I've seen that one time brennan brought up uhhh conservatism? and where people come from with that#that quote of his thats like. before youre a fascist youre a bully. like extreme sentiments take root on specific soils#and that's like a higher level than what we're talking abt here lmao it's fake fantasy high school role playing#but yeah just like. the simultaneous understanding of the grift working on these kids bc they already think a certain way#and also the other part that is no matter what the way that they think is not. conducive to them being happy#like yeah a nasty person is nasty to be around! but that also means they're often isolated#which makes them even easier prey for people who want to use them#fhjy coming out in The Current Climate makes that connection so apparent too lol like#me hearing abt the rage god: oh so like twitter#for the record of course I Dont Know if this is a read that's intended by the show#but it maps well onto my experience with radicalization/decentralized cult#Ive just. been thinking abt the rat grinders in those terms ever since I made the connection#like. you're accomplished and high level and such. is this sustainable? have you done anything For Yourself#or has everything you've done so far been coerced out of you by someone else's sweettalking#anyways if I can run porter cliffbreaker over with a car I would. and I'd reverse on him too#truly thats the highschool trauma as well as the grown man with niblings talking lmao#nothing gets me more mad than a shitty teacher#not art
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perilegs · 1 month
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my sweet little baby man is no longer with us
#he had his bloodwork done yesterday and the vet said it was fine but he doesnt have much time left#and my bestie is a vet tech who wanted to see the lab results bc she always does and she looked at them#and asked me if she can shiw them to her boss today and i was like sure and immediately knew something was up#today keekki was being himself#then i went to run some errands and when i came back he was laying in front of the front door with his tiny baby head against it#and i was like ''oh ok one of his seizures?''#and theyre like. keekki will drool and not move and they usually last for like 20 minutes (several vets have no idea whats up with those#but it was probably either a kidney or a blood pressure thing)#anyways. it did not pass in 20 minutes so i Knew#i laid on the floor next to him#then my bff sent me a message asking me if i have the time to talk about keekki and its not good news#at this point i was about to call the vet anyways#and she was like ''ok i showed these to my boss (a vet) and she got super angry that ur vet even let you leave the clinic''#bc apparently keekkis bloodwork was so bad he should have been put down then and there but my vet was like a fresh half graduate#so i dont hold it against her. anyways i got an euthanasia appointment for this evening and spent the time before it laying on the couch#crying with keekki in my arms#i had to carry him bc he couldnt really walk without stumbling and falling down#when i had to get up to get his carrier and stuff ready he was taking a nap on the couch where i left him and i took this pic#anyways worst vet visit of my life i could hardly even do anything but nod half the time bc speaking results in me sobbing#anyways. this fucking sucks#i dont know how ill be able to sleep tonight#its been years since i last slept at home without having a little guy plop into my arms#i spent a long time with him in the vet room when he was gone#it feels surreal ive given him his last ever forehead kisses#as i left the room i told him bye the exact same way ive been saying bye to him for the last very many years ive had him#its always moikka keekki before i go to work or the store or literally anything#and that was my last moikka keekki#i hope he felt how loved he was#my dad is sending me older pics of me and keekki and he looks so happy in them. hes always right next to me#idk man im going to stop rambling now
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codacheetah · 2 months
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It's deeply important to me that Loop kind of sucks
#they are literally awesome but they do kinda suck. just a tad#mostly as in i keep thinking about lucabyte's comics. they are critical to me#i love isat's postcanon as a space to explore recovery and communication#but sometimes you kind of have to drag urself through glass to get there. sometimes the glass sticks in ur skin and makes u prickly#i think constantly about like. loop being surprised by siffrin's kindness if u choose to be nice to them in certain dialogue options.#remarking about how time has made them jaded more than he is#loop is fundamentally kind. but they are scantly ever 'nice'#i think if loop joins the party it's inevitable that they are going to make each other bristle up#loop has a difficult time with all of the party members. between the guilt and the loss and them just not being capital s Siffrin#and to the party who only knows loop from one interaction and siffrin's apparent care for them i think loop would come off. abrasive at bes#like. like i dont think loop would act the same with the party that they do siffrin. their mask is very Piss Siffrin Off specialized#but how much of ur persona is an act and how much of it is yourself. or whatever. loop wouldn't want to be mean to their friends sure#but it's much easier not to hurt if you wedge some distance. no better way to get that distance by being offputting. i think isabeau esp#would get the brunt of this. poor man#plus there's just hte general fact that like. nobody likes the feeling of talking to somebody who clearly knows too much about them. who#will never show their own cards. added with the fact that there's just an inherent strangeness w loop. where they have a relationship to#siffrin thru the loops that none of the party members will ever grasp (and in a way they cant even guess frankly!)#i just have a hard time seeing loop's assimilation into the party as going smooth and nice. you know. i think the party members would think#that loop kinda sucks a little. i think loop would let them think this. all of this being said this is not irreconcilable or permanent#but i like there to be growing pains for the party's expansion. i won't even get into nille bc this aint abt her but yah#the lucky thing loop is you made friends with a lot of really nice people who would being willing to get to know you again.#isat spoilers
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sensitiveheartless · 1 year
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...K this is going to sound completely out of the blue, but this has been haunting me today —
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oddberryshortcake · 1 year
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I cannot emphasize how much I love both Jamil and Kalim
Both of their struggles are equally tragic in very different ways
The biggest difference between them is Kalim's happiness is more valued than Jamil's (and Kalim as a person is more valuable than Jamil) but no one is actively doing anything to stop the constant threats on his life
Meanwhile Jamil has so much talent and dreams that are just out of reach and only one person can give him the freedom to pursue them (Kalim) at the expense of being left alone without the constant companionship and protection Jamil had been giving him.
But neither of them asked for their lives to be encompassed by incredible wealth and fame, servitude and greed.
And I'm sure under different circumstances their relationship could've been naturally formed instead of being shoved together from the moment they were born.
If Jamil had his freedom and Kalim had independence, then maybe they could come back together as friends rather than being an heir to a great fortune and the servant assigned to him.
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blujayonthewing · 6 months
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it's weird to me that online content on foraging and camp/ bushcraft cooking never seem to overlap, at least not that I've ever found?? foraging recipes are always like 'wild mushroom risotto with chardonnay and arborio rice' and bushcraft cooking is always like 'first, unpack your ribeye you brought from home--' like what is going on here, surely 'guy who wants to camp out and cook over a fire' and 'guy who wants to eat some plants they found in the woods' cannot be completely separate venn diagram circles
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dw-flagler · 3 months
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its kind of funny to me that in the comics supergirl kind of occupies the spot for like the edgy superman. which is kind of weird for her typical role as kid sidekick to superman because her thing as a character (at least the versions of her character that i like) is that she doesn't have a reason to help anybody and doesn't like earth. edgy superman. but she's also the kid sidekick. strange juxtaposition
#it obviously depends on which comic you're reading#cause like there are completely different versions of supergirl depending on which version we're talking about#there's like 3 different supergirls with 5 different backstories#there's the one where she's a kind of slime goop that mimics the form of a girl--that was matrix#that was the version from the 80s that continued into the 90s--the weird run that had like angels and demons and stuff#god that one was weird#then there was the main one which is kara zor el but she has like 3 different backstories on her own#there's the argo city one which is truly horrible where like she watches thousands of people die in front of her#that one was most recently used in the supergirl woman of tomorrow comic written by the vile tom king at least as far as i'm aware#then there was the pod version (the more popular one) which has two variations on its own#variation one was that she's actually older than superman but got stuck in suspended animation for like 25 years#and variation two where she's just younger than him and i don't know how that works#of course the argo backstory is also the pod backstory they're not incompatible#it does beg the question of which you think is more tragic:#waking up one day to find out everyone you ever knew is dead and gone or watching them all die slowly in front of you#anyway the third super girl is power girl who is super girl except older so she's power girl because they didn't do a 2 spider man thing#this is easy to follow right#oh right and apparently they made a completely new backstory for her in my adventures with superman though i never watched that#because i still have to finish the supergirl cw show which is ANOTHER version of her character where she's 24 instead of a teenager#which sounds like a small thing but it literally turns her into a completely different character#i mean like powergirl is a completely different character isnt she#what was i talking about? right i kind of liked new 52 supergirl at least the first few issues#i really liked the disorientation of “where am i who are these people where's my family” she goes through#shame it kind of sucked#i'm probably not going to finish the CW show by the way. i'll probably give up halfway through season 3 if we're being optimistic
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of-nyon · 4 months
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girl help someone made a post explaining why they don't like one of my faves and I'm being so brave about it
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mikkouille · 7 months
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wait actually connecting the dots was the guy telling us the fight would go well when we were half a party of first timers also the one who forgot to lb3 us like bro was a tank one of em. jffjjssn he forgor.
#the one guy who does know the fight gjdjsjsbsbsbd#no one doing trial roulette at midnight we were all here to discover it#actually the coach review im doing in my head is critical again i realised i once more forgot to hit SSS like i have to figure out a spot on#the hotbar for me to remember#ok authors notes and definitions ¹LB for Limit Break: staple of FF big ability that you get to use after certain conditions#in this case for the time spent in the fight (+other little things but mostly its about the time spent). in the context of this tale#a protective one was needed to supershield us from death. hence 'tank lb' speaking of ²Tank: one of the three key roles in a fight#alongside Healer (self explanatory) and dps (damage-per-second– hence damage dealers) the tank is solid and takes hits#so that the others dont have to. its sturdy and healthy and looks particularly yummy tovthe enemies to make tjem want to hit Just this guy#in this specific story there were Two tanks#one of them seemingly having knowledge of the specific fight we embarked on#the other likely not. neither of them activated the special limited use bug spell we needed to survive though (only they can)#and for ur curiousity dear scientual i play as damage dealer. so that i cant be the bearer of thus sort of mistake ever 👍#though granted dps also could do LB fumbles in this specific fight apparently. twas the fight disclaimers on the guides jdjfjfd#'do NOT cast dps LB UNLESS the boss himself os casting something or else he'll activate invulnerability and make it all useless'#+8second of invulnerability??? bro i just elected to not even try it even before the fight went. awry.#even tho technically my position is good for damage lb its ok given how it went i doubt anyone would mind that no one hit the lb gjdjsjsjsks#to be fair its one of these situations where its better left to the healer in case all goes wrong again#(author note damage lb does big damage. healer lb does big heal and if maxed out on its capacity can even ressurect anyone dead)#(hence. given the struggle. it was better off being theirs even outside of the odd conditions of the boss turning invulnerable)#dont think anyone used it tho#its ok.
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void-tiger · 27 days
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Trying to keep a lid on it but. Yeah. Literally don’t know what’s it like to NOT be platonically neglected IRL my whole damn life, only that I know this One Person doesn’t deserve to be at the epicenter of it anymore than I deserved to have been at the epicenter of theirs a year ago now.
…why am I like this. Why are we like this.
#tiger’s roar#…but like. good god. someone being Actually Genuinely KIND and insisting they DO like my company and want my friendship#(and is arguably mutually attracted and THOSE feelings of mine and what I’m picking up from them just won’t DISPELL already)#just. really stirs the muck. gets at that emotional constipation in my brain’s grease trap#then having TWICE now having Activities Suggested and THIS Time in FRONT of people then like…never following through?#all but thinking aloud with planning to witnesses things that sound less like hanging out and more like a date#and then just…not doing it?#when the Reality is Apparently Too Busy?#us fighting earlier this year over quality time essentially#when all I want is to have like. maybe an hour or two once a week or once a month#to enjoy someone else’s company. get a fucking REPRIEVE from my life#that’s…that’s it? nothing grand. just have the time found where it can be without causing strain?#I’m actually NOT a romantic even when I have romantic feelings? they just make me yearn for basic contact all the more#I’ll always be ‘too platonic’ within a romantic relationship so no it’s never going to be an ‘expectation’#MAYBE the one with unrealistic expectations is the guy who watches romance films and struggles with AllorNothing thinking perhaps?#and…yeah. trying to not feel resentful of their time spent this summer with existing friends when apparently not working 20+ hrs a week#in addition to their own research and god knows what else#…because it feels like there’s no space for me. and probably never will be. and I have never been ‘cool’ a day in my life#sure I own it as an adult. especially a 30s adult.#but having people recognize me as kind and supportive and easy to talk to 1:1 (my group aqauaintance/casual friendships SUCK)#but. basically never getting to keep any of them as friends? quickly ditched? treated like a used bandaid?#it…gets to me alright? like I only exist as Catch/Treat/Release but for people#which sure. the friend I’m angry at HAS been frustrated about me deserving better. looks at me like I’m christmas.#and I’m now fairly close friends with their beloved sibling. and despite things having THE Worst Start Ever their family seems to trust me#…but…it’s just…think I deserve better? think I’m worthy of your esteem and respect? think I’m kind and approachable?#want me to feel safe and relaxed enough to be myself? then just…do better.#ask when I’m available to kill a few hours then…follow through on that. that’s it.#not all the time. and my ‘expectation’ is to always be either neglected or used and feeling jaded about it#just…a repreive. for both of us. that’s it.
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todayisafridaynight · 10 months
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not to make people believe in me and my work ethic but im lowkey a liiiitttttleeee stoked to share the fics ive been cookin lately..
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caffeinatedopossum · 2 years
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Events of last night:
Me: *crying*
My girlfriend: what's wrong?? :(
Me: *struggling to form words* intrusive thoughts are bad... I don't want to talk about them because then I'm scared that they're true and you might think I'm awful
My girlfriend: ah I actually get that. I have those a lot. It doesn't mean anything though, intrusive thoughts are just like dreams. Like the things you do in them aren't really things you want to do, it's just stuff your brain comes up with.
#we then very heavily related over having the same intrusive thoughts and now I'm suspicious#thinking about when i told her i might have ocd and she said i didnt#and starting to feel like thats because... what if we both have ocd#it seems like she was basing her entire knowledge of conditions on people shes known with those conditions. which makes sense#but the person/ people with ocd had severe cleaning compulsions and the like#where as me and her obsess much more over morality#like its very clear we think about it so much. and idk what to do with that information#we both feel like the intrusive thoughts and obsessive ruminating are the only things that keep is from being bad people#or that prevent us from being bad people i guess. idk why that wording is just slightly more accurate#like people who dont think about these things (apparently all 'normal' people since this could be *an actual disorder*)#they're not constantly analyzing. trying to be aware. asking themselves questions about their true nature. judging those answers#theyre not really doing that with other people either. of course i could be wrong since im very clearly not a normal person.#but this is what i mean! im speculating about other people and acknowledging the ways i could be wrong and just trying to figure it all out#but it seems like no one does that and it doesnt *make them* bad people. it just doesn't prevent them from that happening either#like theyre just as likely to hurt people as the 'bad' person thats thinking the same way they are#and i cant ever be comfortable with me living that reality even when *this reality* is a waking nightmare#sure im tearing my skin off (good ole skin picking disorder) when im thinking about these things. sure im crying. sure i can't sleep.#sure it makes me feel like im constantly a horrible person and need to attone for everything ive done and havent done#sure. but then i turn around and say its helping me. because why else would my brain torture me? isnt it always about protecting me?#i don't know. all i know is who i dont want to be and what i dont want. so that exactly what my brain convinces me is real#i guess what it kinda comes to do is#would you rather live a reality where everything around you is superficial. your thoughts behaviors and thoughts. your reactions#all of them are things youre never aware of. you could be hurting people or you could be helping themm#you could even be hurting yourself. but you would never know. its a comfortable reality that youre never really aware of#OR would you rather live a reality aware of all those things. seeking answers and sometimes finding them.#trying your hardest to help others and better yourself and fix the broken things in this world#your reality is one where you recognize every threat that no one else does and it kills you inside because they wont always listen#theyre comfortable and you're stuck in a reality where you try and try and try but even when you succeed#your brain forms its own reality. a metaphorical jail. where you never get to experience the reality you fought so hard for#instead you exist in this sort of purgatory where you live out your own worst fears and the worst ways you could have failed
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