#I love autism /s because I literally never know what the fuck's going on or why things happen

[chaifootsteps]

Hey so uh, student studying psychology, I agree.

Personal story that will end up relating to Viv, I promise. (Please do not take this as a diagnosis either, but I also noticed Viv and my ex share troubling personality traits)

Not APA, but I had an ex who I'm pretty sure has NPD (He is also autistic, and I am as well). We got along so well, probably because we were both autistic. It was a long-distance relationship we had for 4 years.

I had a very troubled childhood growing up, and hardly had any friends in school. I never went to hang out with anyone, I always came straight home. I was extremely isolated for those 4 years because my caregiver was extremely abusive to me. My ex was all I had.

For 4 years, he promised me I was the only one he ever wanted. He told me what I wanted to hear, and became a completely different person to disguise who he really was underneath. Ironically, he "works" as a filmmaker/actor. Sometimes I knew it felt off, he'd pressure me into doing things I was uncomfortable with (only a year and half age difference so he wasn't an older guy grooming me (but he was still absolutely grooming me. I was also a minor at this time.)

He'd also lovebomb the shit out of me, as well as using a term called "future faking", where the person promises you a grand future and that everything is going to be wonderful and amazing. It's a tactic, like lovebombing, to keep the victim hooked for as long as possible. He promised me we'd get a shitty apartment together, that he'd "take me away" from the abuse I was suffering from for so long.

He promised me a family. Children. Marriage. Everything and anything I needed to hear to keep me in his power.

For his "movies" he would go to conventions and find D list actors to be in his stuff and he would, in private, go off about how he's got these "amazing actors" from xyz movie. He'd also gloat about the expensive equipment he'd gain access to. Like Viv at GlitchX, he would never shut the fuck up about his projects and ideas. He was extremely self centered. He loved taking photos with them with smug looks on his face too. He also literally took a picture of himself kissing himself, with a mirror filter, and showed me in private. I brushed it off but always thought it was weird. I wish I was joking.

He would also lose his ever loving shit if you critiqued him. He would actually cry and throw childish tantrums. And not even his stuff, if you said ANYTHING negative about his interests, he would take it as a personal attack. Not even that, if you just gave a "meh" reaction to something he'd show you, he'd also get super passive aggressive and pissed.

I think part of that is the autism (I struggle with people not liking things I like too. I get bummed out and sometimes pissed, but never to the degree that he did.) but it was always uncomfortable for me. But I always championed his movies. I never once said a negative thing about them. Not in private or to him.

Fast forward to me finding out he cheated on me, and continued to cheat on me with 5+ people over the entire course of our relationship. I read horrific messages between him and those people, where he called me a "bitch" and would actively plan out "how to get me back" whenever I tried leaving him (because again, I had weird feeling about him but he always managed to pull me back in).

And I'm not going to lie, I was shitty towards him. I took my anger out on him from the abuse I suffered because he was the only person in my life.

I regret that to this day. I never should've yelled at him or treated him badly when he was (at least to me) genuinely trying to make me happy.

All he cared about was himself and getting his dick wet. He still tries to tell me (if he can get his messages through) that he always loved me, and he just made mistakes as a "stupid kid."

It took a long time to get away from him and see that he was extremely unhealthy. He also has very dangerous gross fetishes, that I even didn't know about when we dated.

So yeah... they both are very similar for sure. Paperskin egos, takes criticism as a direct attack, self-centered, collecting people, hiding their true personalities, using people to climb the ranks to meeting celebs and using them in their work, lovebombing their victims...

Again, this doesn't confirm either one has NPD, but Viv reminds me a lot of my ex. And it's not good at all.

And this is MY experience. In no way shape or form am I demonizing anyone else who has this disorder.

And if you've experienced these things from someone, I am so sorry. I hope you can get the help you need.

Thank you for your story, Anon. I'm so sorry that happened to you.

Not going to say anything, just going to leave this here so people can draw their own conclusions.

[silusvesuius]

I’d read a whole ass book about you talking about Ulfric in both your canon and fanon version. He had a lot of potential as a character in the game but the end result felt like the writers put two hours of thoughts into his character but it was 90% plot related and everything related to his personality was squeezed into the rest of the 10%. I could literally live in his walls while playing and I still don’t get a good enough look into his mind. I had to feed off crumbs given to me through the civil war questline and his conversations with Galmar (also for some reason I was able to sleep in his bed after I was done with that questline which was odd but oh well) you can barely have a conversation with him about HIM. And one could go through a play through and completely miss a lot of details about his life with no problem at all. Like come on he could’ve at least had a journal in his bed table or something, how come a random fucking miner deep within an old cave gets one and he doesn’t. I coped with how “put together” he seems from the outside with assuming that he’s the type to bottle it all up and only allows that side of him to show when he’s alone with Galmar (again we could’ve had more dialogue with just the two of them) with him turning into a completely different man behind closed doors and resembling nothing to the cold hardy leader he appears to be sitting in his throne. But even with all of that we still got way too little content of him considered what we’re told he’s gone through.

But yeah anyways, I enjoy it every time you talk about your interpretation of him, I could spend hours just reading about it I ain’t even exaggerating *autism*. And I’d love to also hear more about your fanon depiction of him. These two versions might seem separate yet they feel so intertwined as if one is in a higher spiritual level. I dunno which one’s which.

So yeah keep being the amazing artist that you are.

THANK YOU LOOOL 💗 Yes literally my princess is so isolated in his own mind that he doesn't even write his thoughts down everywhere (he's afraid the th*lmor agents that are hiding in his closet will read his diary and relay everything to el*nwen) he has no good coping mechanisms. we will never know how he's feeling because the only times he talks about it is when he's bathing with galmar or something (it's too ecchi we can't be seeing or hearing none of that) or when he's really exhausted after an insanely long day, collapsing into his arms and starting to cry saying he's s//icidal, and before galmar can even say anything ulfric is like (Slicks hair back again and rubs off the snot and tears) "actually nvm i'm good"

they gave us the two crumbs of him seeming a bit like a paranoiac in 2 lines and then that one fruity af conversation between him and galmar and thought it's enough to keep us fed. and it is. And it is. (my bones sticking out) i will flip them turn them and make a pancake

if i was president ulfric would be would always be looking @ U sideways && like he's about to deck you in the mouth; unlikable, unapproachable, nasty, horrid, paranoid;... the list goes on

+ i love the tidbit of t*rygg actually admiring ulfric it's so funny to me. Don't try to befriend a traumatized war veteran guys now t*rygg is up there singing in talos' choir. he killed him for all of the reasons listed in canon but also because he hates seeing people be happy especially elves (el*sif). Shut up brainless, th*lmor-tainted... woman, DISHWASHER, get ready to be triggered by loud sounds for the rest of your life like me when i hear the clacking of heels

[a-thirst-for-dunmer]

My favorite things about all my Skyrim followers:

KAIDAN

-wicked ass armor and weapon with fucking tigers on it

-realistic cursing in life or death situations

-literally the most realistic male dialogue ever with his corny ass innuendos. ‘This monument, does it remind you of me, love? Just kidding.’

-so goated in battle. Mans can kill a dragon so easy and i don’t need to do anything but look pretty

-ACCENT.

CARYALIND

-his hair is so fluffy. I bet it smells like roses and vanilla bean, what’s your secret bb

-such a sweetheart all the time. No wonder he can’t be Thalmor, he has too much heart for it

-fucking backstory. It’s very Zuko without villain redemption arc, and the fact that he still worries about the LDB thinking worse of him for being Thalmor royalty is just *chef’s kiss*

-ACE REP. I really fucking love how he can dress like a hoe, flirt like a hoe, and look so hot but have no interest in sex. Mmm that’s my jam that’s what I like.

-boob window

-Kaidan interactions! Proving that Altmer can be kind and sweet and not lighting-shooting British assholes

INIGO

-the backstories for everyone are so damn tearjerking but this guy?? Don’t even get me started on this mans scars I will cry

-literally autism. Says everything on his mind. Sir you are me

-blue. And a cat. What else??

-Lucien and him have a bromance that hits so good

-suplexes Nazeem with only his vibes

-sings original songs, where’s his soundcloud

KHASH

-okay first off i was writing a character just like her for the daughter of my LDB and Revyn. Never knew about her but this is Leeta come to life and i crave it

-pottymouth

-Kaidan Big Bro protection dialogue

-so happy when she kills things

-literally exactly what I expected a baby Argonian to sound like. So cute. So grumpy

-her outfit is just on point. If i hadn’t transitioned i would be cottagecore peasant dress woman with cats

LUCIEN

-like Cary, he is just sweet himbo no brain

-kid in a candy shop vibes. He is amazed by the wonders of this world

-the nerdiest mans you know, would probably never shut up about shit with Auryen but i haven’t gotten that far yet

-bottom energy

-AUTISM once again

-also sings!! Can sing ‘Toss a Coin to Your Witcher’ parody!!

AURI

-she is the Moment

-eats people and only meat. Wanna see someone react to ThatVeganTeacher with her as a vtuber model oml

-bullies Lucien (affectionately)

-cool pod

-looks like she could kill you and could actually kill you

-slams ALL haters and unworthy into the ground with her dialogue. Faendal ily but you don’t deserve her

RUMARIN

-a sweetheart himbo

-very Skilled with magic, specifically bound weapons. As someone who uses conjuration as their main line of magic, because dremora and bound bow go brr, I LOVE THAT

-not really good at speaking poorly of anyone tbh

-like lucien, he’s optimistic and fun to be around

-very…earthy. Jank. Grungy. Not what you’d expect from an Altmer, to be living as an adventurer mercenary, and i like that for him

-eats in bed, brain too empty to clean for long periods of time

-polyamorous pansexual King

-says Z like zed, which makes linguistics in Skyrim lore interesting

NEBARRA

-literally me

-sarcasm to the max

-name means ‘foreigner’ or ‘scorned’ or something transgender. anyway, king nihilist shit

-only wants the good wines

-also, the Accent, very good very sass

-Shakespearean insults for days

-also regular insults

-just…insults

-mystery and striking fear into the hearts of all

TALIESIN

-i thought no one could top Revyn in vibes of what Elder Scrolls character i would kin but then ✨he✨ came along

-no idea why Altmer are Brits but with him, i can vibe with it he sounds so good

-giggles evilly in fights

-s a s s

-pansexual!! We are putting queer in the game! (Even tho all vanilla spouses are, in the most Basic sense, bisexuals)

-the spice he can add with Cary as a protector/snarky best friend. I Need their backstory

-afraid of dogs, cat person

-just an absolute bitch to the Dragonborn but like in a way my gay friends are to me

-eyeliner on fleek

HONORABLE MENTIONS FOR SKEEVER AND CROC

-silly voice go brrr

[anxiously-sidequesting]

Favorite to least favorite schools?

OOOOOO A QUESTION so okay this is an interesting one for me because not only are my faves tied for first place BUT I have such a limited knowledge on the schools I don't play as often so the list is gonna be super wonky HSLABDIRKE BUT HERE, LET'S PUT IT INTO WORDS:

Most favorite school(s): Storm/Death

So we all know I love Storm and it's for No Reason. Like I can't even say it's because of the game mechanics or whatever I just love Storm and there's no reason why. Even as a kid I immediately knew that I wanted to be the Purple Lightning Bolt School before I even took the book of secrets test. Like I swear I kin Storm but like. Kin-lite if that makes sense. Like I'm NOT Storm itself but IDKKKK HOW TO EXPLAIN IT I love everything about Storm; the aesthetics and the color scheme and the lore behind it, it all just SPEAKS TO ME so yeah I never grew up. Sjsldjdi

But like narratively? Lore-wise Death has to be my favorite because not only is there so much that goes into the Magic itself but like so many important and well-lived characters are Necromancers. And in my PERSONAL opinion some of the most compelling tales come from Necromancers alone because OF WHAT THEY GO THROUGH SPECIFICALLY BECAUSE THEY ARE NECROMANCERS. Like yeah I relate to that shit and honestly? The game says that the three Primordial forces are the most powerful magic but I feel like Death (along with Life and Balance of the main schools) is one of, if not the most powerful. Also because dead stuff and goth girls are my two most favorite things in the world so

Next Favorite School: Myth

Actually if I, myself, was the young wizard instead of my homunculus puppet I think I prooobably would be Myth. Like I think that's just literally who I am and even though I don't think my aesthetic lines up with Trolls and Cyclopes that much I just literally feel in my heart I'm just so...... (gestures towards myself) that I'm quite fit to be a Myth wizard. Lore reasons only. Like the "imaginative" Wizards is so mecore. I like Myth a lot but it's definitely below Storm and Death

The school after that: Balance

This time it's a mix between aesthetic and lore a lil bit. I like the fact that Balance doesn't even really seem to be a unique Magic that it's its own thing but rather a bit of each and every existing school (including the Astrals and Shadow) that it just became something entirely new and on its own???? Like it's familiar in the sense that you can see it in other Magic schools but there's still something in the core of Balance that makes it Balance. If that.... even begins to make any sense (I'm sorry my vocabulary is fucking shit. I know no words to describe things well). Also this is just my personal headcanon that Balance is one of the hardest Magic schools to master because it's so complicated. Like Balance in the Spiral is like Physics or Chemistry in our world

So this is where I start to fall out of groove with the other magic schools because I don't know shit about them so I'm gonna have to just rank them off vibes alone at this point:

The next favorite school: Fire

I was a fire wizard like years and years and years ago before I listened to my autism and went with Storm and honestly Fire fucks!!!! It's a cool school and idk how popular it is in terms of game mechanics (I think Ice and Life and Balance is most popular I think? idk I don't play the game) but I've always thought Fire was just super pretty to look at during battle. The color scheme may be a bit basic (red and orange for fire mhm) but it still works and honestly???? Personal headcanons that Fire wizards are actually one of the most mellow-headed wizards out of all the schools (commonly mistaken with Ice wizards; remember kids "Calm" doesn't equal "Aloofness") and that Pyromancers are typically daycare teachers or people who are normally in charge of/care for the youth

Some of y'all are gonna hate me for this but I can't really put Life or Ice above or below each other because I just don't really think about either of them that much HALSEHRKSH: LISTEN I DONT HATE EITHER OF THESE SCHOOLS, they just don't really....... stand out to me that much and my life and ice wizards aren't that far enough along yet where I can spot a significant difference between those schools and the ones I actually do play. Aesthetically wise yeah they're pretty!!! And then that's it DUDJSJSO I APOLOGIZE TO MY LIFE AND ICE MUTUALS/FOLLOWERS

(I assume anon meant like, the schools you start out with and not the schools you learn about later so I left out Shadow and the Astrals but if I had to put them somewhere on this list Shadow would definitely be right under Storm and Death, Moon would be below that, Star would be after Fire and Sun would be just kinda hanging out on the outside somewhere)

THANK YOU FOR THE QUESTION ANON I HOPE MY ANSWERS WEREN'T A COMPLETE DISAPPOINTMENT 💖💖💖

[wc-confessions]

using a new blank blog to send this confession bc anon is off and I don't want to associate this with my main blog, but also I'm sick and tired of this and I just want to get it off my chest.

I am VERY ready to get sent threats for this, but I HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE when Warriors rewrites/aus make Brambleclaw/star evil or just bash Brambleclaw/star endlessly. I KNOW he's an abusive dickwad and I DO NOT condone his actions in the SLIGHTEST. But he was still my one of my favorite characters of all time as a kid - I'd even go so far as to say he was my comfort character. (That's not the case any more obviously.) The Darkest Hour was my first ever WC book and I adored Bramblepaw standing up to Tigerstar, and his determination to become better than his father ever was. I loved how he was flawed in TNP but still knew where his morals lay in the end. I loved his relationship with the Three in POT. I was so excited to see him become leader in OOTS, but now I wish he never became leader, because I can barely even recognize Bramble now. This isn't the Bramblepaw/claw I grew up with and adored so much, and I despise the Erins for what they did to him.

But back to my main point - I also despise when Warriors rewrites/aus make it seem like Bramblestar was always evil, like he was always an abusive cocksack, because THAT LITERALLY WAS NOT THE POINT OF HIS CHARACTER. The point of his character, and the reason why I loved him, was that he was someone who rejected his evil family and always strove for good. I assume that a lot of these rewrites and AUs were made by people who joined the fandom when they were younger and have only known Dickmuncher Bramblestar, but it still hurts. I also have autism and RSD and am a hyper empath, which of course makes the hurt feel that much worse, as it just feels like they're ignoring the point of Bramble's character, just like the Erins.

And don't get me STARTED on the people who villanize Brambleclaw in TNP rewrites only to turn around and make Crowfeather, Ashfur, or Hawkfrost the heroes and the Squirrelflight love interest. THAT IS LITERALLY STRAIGHT UP CHARACTER/SHIP FAVORITISM AT THIS POINT! AND IT'S HYPOCRITICAL AS FUCK TOO! ALL THREE OF THOSE CHARACTERS ARE JUST AS BAD AS MODERN BRAMBLESTAR. ACTUALLY, NO, FUCK IT, I'M JUST GOING TO SAY IT: CROWFEATHER AND ASHFUR ARE WORSE THAN MODERN BRAMBLESTAR! Even as a kid I MUCH preferred the bantery friendship Brambleclaw and Squirrelpaw had over their romance, and in my WC reimagining I see them as queerplatonic partners (with Bramblestar being gay and with either an equally reworked Ashfur or with Stormfur, and Squirrelflight as a trans MTF asexual lesbian with Jessy, or as just straight up a single girlboss), but like BREAKING NEWS: YOU CAN PREFER ONE ROMANTIC PARTNER FOR A CHARACTER WITHOUT DEMONIZING THE OTHER(S)!!!! HAVE THOSE PEOPLE EVER HEARD OF RON THE DEATH EATHER??????????? OR DRACO IN LEATHER PANTS???????????????????????

VERY sorry for how long this got, and if it got a bit personal at points, I just REALLY needed to get this off my chest. Now if you excuse me, I'll be in the corner reading rewrite/au fanfics of the himbo cinnamon roll nursery dad never-becomes-leader Brambleclaw who endlessly supports his QUEERPLATONIC PARTNER/BESTIE Squirrelflight/star that the Erins SHOULD have given us in canon :D

‎

[reilleclan-blog]

I was really hoping I could leave my abusive mother but I'm still stuck here. I had lost hope with certain things until I got a call about an apartment and I thought it'd be this but the universe keeps taking opportunities away from me I don't understand what I'm supposed to do . I feel trapped and yeah I feel like I will never escape I don't make enough money for the apartment and it's possibly gone to someone else. I tried getting another client but they haven't reached out to me since last week. Literally posting on the internet and interacting with others is all I have most ppl in my life wouldn't care about anything I feel pride over. I don't want to argue I don't want to fight . I don't I just want to live but it's hard all the time.

At this point I'm gonna say a lot of stuff that is stressing me out and if that means "exposing" then I guess so. My mother began spam texting me to clean .. basically the entire house b/c I'm home or b/c "I don't work a real job" I work part time and with my adhd and autism I'm lucky I still have a job. But I don't understand why I'd ever have to clean this big ass house ON MY OWN when I've cleaned it MULTIPLE times on my own just for my mother to re dirty it not even trying to keep it clean how it was. It feels like if she wants to talk to me she talks to me just to boss me around and that's it. She doesn't have problems with other ppl's daughters helping them or FEEDING them. Cause btw when I moved back in with my mother she wouldn't feed me she'd go out not saying where or when she'd be back and have leftovers spoil or wouldn't let me have anything when she knew I wasn't working and knew I was barely eating.

So yeah the little money I had "saved" went to buying $100 worth of groceries or fast food cause I didn't have many options. And again I'm fucking disabled but nobody cares about that b/c I'm not "disabled on the outside". But back to cleaning this house MOST OF THE MESS is from my MOTHER everything is from my mother. I'm not perfect I have some clothes I haven't picked up a couple unwashed dishes but most of that is from my mother and her doing favors for ppl b/c she wants to be liked or whatever.

I don't have a problem helping my mom but when I'm being berated and told I'm lazy just for this lady to spam text me to clean up HER MESS. And for her to call our family to tell them I'm lazy.. and I'm just wasting oxygen in this stupid fucking house.. that's not a good feeling at all. And I hate that I care for my mother but if I don't do something her way or right away or (in this case cleaning an entire downstairs by myself when it has papers and arts and crafts and HER SHOES and she has a TON of clothes she's bought) I'm immediately "the bad guy" I'm so tired of these fucking ppl I'm so tired of family saying "we don't know what went on in that house" THATS RJFHT U DONT SO WHY THE FJCK DO YALL MAKE ME THE VILLIAN B/C U SEE ONE ASPECT OF OUR LIVES OR INTERACTIONS. I'm so fucking tired THIS IS LKKE EVERYDAY MESS.

Yes I'm not the cleanest but I KEEP MY MESS IN MY ROOM AND MY ROOM WOULD LOOK LIKE THE CLEANIEST IN THIS BITCH IF U SEEN THIS FUCKING HOUSE. IM TJRED I WANT TO LEAVE I WANT TO FUCKING EXPERIENCE THAT MAYBE SOMETHING CAN BE GOOD OUT THERE INSTEAD OF LIVING IN THIS FUCKING HOUSE. AND MIND U WHEN I WAS ASKING MY MOTHER FOR HELP WITH THE APARTMENT SHE TOLD ME SHE EOULD HELP THEN CHANGED HER MIND AND I BEGSN TK CRY MY EYES IUT BECAUSE JF IT WAS ANYONE ELSES KID SHE WOULD HELP THEM THEN LETTER SHE GAVE ME WHAT I NEEDED BUT WHY WHY DO I CONSTANTLY NEED TK BE HURT BY THESES "ADULTS" IM TOLD IM LOVED BUTNI HAVE NEVER DELT IT NEVER

MY DAD IS JUST S HUSK OF A DUDE I CALL DAD IM SO FUCKING TIRED IM TIRED . I THINK ABOUT SUICIDE ALMOST ALL THE TIME BECAUSE J FEEL BROKEN I FEEL ALONE THATS ALL I FEEL I FUCKING HATE THJS PLACE I actually sh and at this point it really just feels like only options. I feel trapped I try to embrace myself with hobbies I love but I constantly see stuff I don't have or what others have or what's happening around our world but I'm still stuck in this hell hole feeling trapped. I'd say I have become happier as a person but my mother just takes it away and finds any reason to hate me. Yes it feels like she hates me and my father and at this point I don't think anyone can convince me they don't. I want to forget everything and move on but my brain constantly brings up my trauma I don't want to remember it.

If u tell me to "just be positive" I might shoot someone in the face. I'm JOKING HAHAHA I'm just so lost I wish I felt like I was cared for I wish someone would even care as I type this out. Nobody cares not even my blood

I don't think anyone wouldn't care if i disappeared but it'd be too late for anyone to care. I'm sorry I can't hold on I don't know

[theaviskullguy]

literally slides into the doorway with bug eyes and an evil grin

Can i have some of your alarmy thoughts? I'm hungry

of course!!!

-Both are trans- Aloha is transmasc and Army is nonbinary (it/he) (no this isnt projection what are you talking about /s)

-Army is very touch-starved, and as a result craves affection- both romantic and platonic. Aloha is more than willing to give it

-Also as a result of anxiety army gets Tired very easily and will often fall asleep on Aloha if they're watching something on the couch or even just in a longish car ride. (as someone with anxiety, it does tend to make me very sleepy by proxy of keeping me up at night so army has a similar deal)

-They flirt with each other in their native languages- Aloha in Hawaiian, and Army in Scottish.

-Their go-to date is often going to a musical together. Inkopolis has a LOT of good theaters around (they live in Inkopolis and commute to Splatsvile)

-They also like to go dancing. Like- proper dancing. It's fun.

-Army used to have a manual for relationships and navigating them- but he and Aloha had a talk about it. Essentially, Aloha felt a little... annoyed that Army relied on the manual for romantic interactions, and how it made them feel a bit forced.

-Now, Army's autistic, and used its manuals to not only relieve stress, but had a few to help it mask a bit better- he got where Aloha was coming from, but it still felt a little hurt by this.

-He expressed this to Aloha- and also told him about his Autism- and Aloha essentially said "oh fuck i didnt know- im sorry i never meant it that way"

-but he also told army that he didn't need to mask in front of him. Aloha himself is adhd and wanted to help Army feel a bit safer and more comfortable because masking can be tiring. (I have adhd and not autism- but i still sometimes have to mask and it is painful how mentally exhausting that can be)

-So... Army decided to give it a try. He stopped masking around Aloha- rambling about whatever recipe, musical, or battle tactic he was focused on in that moment, he stopped forcing eye contact, and he let himself... just relax. Let his guard down. And he felt so incredibly comfortable for the first time in years about it and hes been loving it

[yippieitsarvensart]

OH OH OH CAN I TALK ABOUT AUTISTIC HEADCANONS?? Okay okay- so I'll go in house order ajshdoakdhdjfkfj I'm so exicted!!!

Riddle is RIDDLED with autism and you can't change my mind. Like yeah his mom definitely has a big part on why he's Like That, but the need for routine?? The fucking MELTDOWN when things don't go as planned? When he feels he isn't being listened to/understood and it fills his blood with rage???? When he has trouble understanding tone (the most obvious one being sarcasm, but he's struggled with trying to discern if people are upset with him or not as well, same with patronizing/being teased!!) LIKE?????? He's just like me fr!!!!!

Cater is another that seems so obvious to me, like it's canon he has a way lower social battery than he let's on and he's masking like 24/7! And every autistic person I know is way more popular online than they are irl askgsksshvxkx, it's harder to be perceived as "off" through social media and I think he figured that out awhile ago

Jack's never ending energy when it comes to the things he loves, such as running or gardening? His strict moral code? His discomfort with expressing emotions? His sensitive/heightened senses? (That's probably just a beastman thing but shhhhh)

Literally the whole octatrio. Azul finds comfort in small enclosed spaces and compression, has canon comfort/security items and spaces, has safe foods and not safe foods, more prone to meltdowns than he'd ever let you believe.

You know how Azul needs compression? Yeah the twins HATE that shit, they don't like being restricted but you know what they DO like? Being the compressor! All 3 of them find comfort in giving a good squeeze, only Azul likes to receive the squeeze.

Floyd is SENSORY SEEK9NG ALL THE WAY, he needs loud music he needs to be THROWN he needs to eat rocks and do cartwheels and touch all the weird land textures!!! He HAS to or he's gonna EXPLODE!!!!!

Jade's special interest is mushrooms, that much is obvious, but i also would like to mention that he's kind of the middle ground between Floyd and Azul. He gets so bored and understimulated when everything is smooth sailing, nothing new, no chaos, BUT he needs controlled chaos. He needs chaos that isn't gonna throw him into a sensory overload ya feel? He needs some fun but a specific kind of (cough sadistic cough cough) fun that he controls like puppet master.

I'm gonna stop here so I don't go on forever but!! If you want I can continue!!! I have SO MANY THOUGHTS about these characters and their mental states :D

I LOVE THAT YALL ARE JUST RAMBLING TO ME NOWWW YEAHAHAHA yes yes please continue oh mymy god. I love autism hcs I LOVE HCS SO BAD Literally anyone out there. Come tell me about twst hcs. I'll go absolutely bonkers insane over them <333

Okay I get you so bad rn they're so real. Riddle autism was already so real to me and I love it when people can like actually properly explain how the hc WORKS like this like you make it WORK now I never did think of Jack as autistic, that... GUYS AUTISM TWISTED WONDERLAND REAL??? SO REAL>/????

I'M SO GLAD!!! YOU GET ME !!! WITH FLOYD!!!!!!! I've been fucking saying he needs that loud music and that action but. SLAMS FIST ON TABLE. NO ONE GETS ME. Like I just recently convinced someone that he'd be big on rock/metal music (like me) (I was projecting) because of how dancey it is because of how UPBEAT and CRAZY it can be sometimes!!!!!!!!!!!

Though I personally think that Floyd would be big on compression as well, he's always squeezing ppl but I think he'd also like it if someone squeezed him back. It never happens to him like ever but when it does he just melts. (mecore)

He and Azul wrap their tail/tentacles around each other and SQUEEEEEEZE!!!!!! And sometimes they fall asleep tangled around each other. Side note for that: /p btw I noticed I don't rlly ship the octatrio unless it's yuri jeiazu LOLL Jade being the only one who doesn't enjoy a lot of physical contact IS real to me though. (I love making the twins so #opposites but also #samezies)

[purpleyoonn]

so i have been stuck on level 105 on in the seom for three days now 💀💀 i feel stupid af 🤡

i’m glad your computer got fixed!! i literally have not done anything remotely productive for about a week now,, 🫠🫠 i have no idea where my motivation went but it flew away somewhere. i think the heat has drained the life out of me, so i try my hardest to stay inside 😅

but today i did go to target and my mom got mad at me cause i didn’t tell the cashier that the coffee rung up wrong like it was supposed to be on sale but it wasn’t 💀 and like i don’t ask people for help when looking for things so why would i tell her it runf up wrong?? my social anxiety bearing ass would probably start crying trying to explain it. like sometimes i am good and i can talk to strangers (so i compliment them 😊) but there are days where when i go out i feel like throwing up because i don’t want anyone to talk to me. and i know i’m not the only one so idk why my mom gets mad at me.

ugh sorry for ranting to you., i just needed to let it out.and tbh it hurt cause my mom usually understands,,, but she would tell them the problem and i couldn’t today.

Anyway i hope you had a great day!!! and i hope you have a great night!! 💞💞💞 -✍🏻

im on level 323 now and omg im like scared. ive been trying to pass 323 for like a day now and I just keep running out of lives😭 the 300's are fucking hard and I am dreading the 400's.

I completely understand! We are in the middle of a major heat wave and its currently 103 where I live. I just want to lay in bed and do absolutely nothing.

Target is one of my favorite places tbh. maybe its because i used to work there but I love going there. I however, can never like speak for myself...like I can ask for things of others but if I need something,, I will stay silent. I don't know what it it but I will absolutely have zero anxiety when other people are involved. My mom would also get mad at me when I couldn't stand up for myself with things like that. this was before my autism diagnosis but still, like ive never been able to do things like that. never feel weird or sorry for ranting. im honored that you believe that my page (and consequently me) a safe enough space to do so.

I am doing okay! I am currently in the middle of writing ch 10 of petrichor and trying to plan things out for abmol. I kind of lost inspiration for abmol which I hate because I had so many plans for it. So im hoping that just free writing a bit will help.

[azrael-is-haunted]

BIG RANT

honestly I'm exhausted and think I'm better off alone. There is no support. There isn't. I'm so fucking tired of people telling me to ask for support it DOESNT EXIST

People can't support me. All I get is "I'm sorry" or bashing people around me like that solves anything. Literally that is ALL I get. I'm sorry, wish I could help, your family sucks, they "should" do (insert unhelpful commentary or advice)

Adding: I know people don't know what to do or say a lot, and I fully understand that, bUT

I HAVE LIVED IN THIS HELL FOR GOING ON 2.5 DECADES I know my family sucks, just like I know how traumatized everyone is in my family. I understand and know the reasoning behind their behavior, even if it doesn't make it excusable. Why do people think telling me how hard or shitty my life is comes across as new information, new perspectives, or support? Why do you think I myself haven't evaluated this situation? Do you think I'm fucking dumb?

I know where I am, I know who I'm surrounded by, I know what I'm dealing with. I've had 24 years filled with a full range of emotions from blindly loving my family to hating them more than anything, to understanding and disapproving but being able to see the framework of this house. I know WHY my family is the way it is, I lived in it. I experienced it.

You will NEVER know. You will NEVER have as full of an understanding unless I detailed every single moment that changed everyone here. If this is what support is I don't fucking want any of it.

You wouldn't expect somebody with a visible physical disability to do things they have never been able to do, or know they aren't well enough to do.

Relief would be great, but apparently people think that if I magically deal with endometriosis that EVERYTHING in my life will magically work itself out! My autism that is impacting every aspect of my life INCLUDING leaving home? Cured! My anxiety that I've dealt with since being a VERY young child? Cured! Every other thing that is limiting and disabling me? CURED! THANK GOD FOR LAPAROSCOPIES! /s

Seriously. I have *never* been a functional adult, LONG before my physical health tanked. Stop acting like I'm capable of functioning like an allistic with minor mental health struggles.

I have never been allistic, my problems have never been small or simple. I appreciate your hopefulness but it's insulting and painful to continuously be pushed as if I'm fully capable of just outgrowing literal disabilities, life-long disabilities. I can't outgrow that. I can change some things, work on things, try to function better but why is my standard set at neurotypical allistic by the world when I am neither neurotypical or allistic? Seems pretty fucked.

Lower your expectations of me, because these really sky high "you can do all the things!" expectations of me just make me want to give up on all of them. Every. Single. One.

[hankwizard]

Pieces Of Media I Consumed Recently

because i have accepted i cannot, for the life of me, do this in an organized fashion lol

CHAINSAW MAN('s anime)

I read the manga obsessively the moment I heard the premise. I grew up in the era of self-referential, masturbatory, whedon-istic media where no show or comic could just be unapologetically itself without getting weird and "haha isnt it DUMB we're making this?" the whole time. A manga about a guy turning into a chainsaw that is absolutely about a dude who turns into a chainsaw fucking appeals, okay?

Anyways. This is about the anime. The anime almost feels like a film at times- the characters move very.. Realistically. Very on model, which worked in some ways but made it a bit less expressive in others. It didn't have the punk charm of the manga, but otherwise? Steller presentation. I like how the anime further emphasizes that Denji is a kid- giving him more childish mannerisms (such as the infamous scene with himeno) that really hammers home the point of his character- that he's just a manipulated kid who wants some kind of normalcy and, most of all, love.

CHAINSAW MAN('s manga. part 2)

It makes me feel like the absolute joker watching how well thought out Asa is as a protagonist. Traumatic experiences can strip us of our identities- make us feel like all we've done is survive, and therefore, that's all we can do, so watching Asa fret over being a bore and be unable to connect to others without worrying about how things will crumble down is just a delight. I love her. Denji is also great so far! He's just so tired. This part's art has so much subtle improvement and once again Fujimoto is delivering bangers. Yoshida is never beating the yaoi allegations.

FEAR AND HUNGER: TERMINA

The fun thing about autism is that it forces you to enjoy things in the most "yeah this is my life now" of ways, which is fine when your interests are something normal you can explain to people like "dungeons and dragons" or "sailor moon" and not Termina, a game that makes you genuinely debate not if you should sever your enemy's leg, but which one.

Termina is crazy. A survival horror rpg where death is punishing, limbs can be lost AND trans women can do necromancy? It's great and it's terrifying. There's literally an entire area that I avoid because it freaks me out so bad so I GENUINELY take the long way everywhere to avoid it every time.

It's one of those games where any enemy can not only kill you, but maim you in ways that fundamentally change how you play the game. Dealing with enemies is a puzzle: how do you approach them? Do you deal with them now so you never have to deal with them again? Do you run around so you can wait until you're stronger? Do you shoot them from afar or save the precious ammo for something even worse?

It's a special kind of satisfying, but definitely not a game for everyone. I'd recommend reading the content warnings, as it's a dark fantasy with dark fantasy themes. It's also a game for adults only, no exceptions. Feel free to message me if you want to know about any content in the game that isn't listed out in the warnings on the store page. I might make a larger blog post about it later.

SHAMELESS

Ok, at first I really liked it! It's very funny, the characters are very well written, and it's very captivating... But I'm going to be real, the amount of Leering Shots Of Teenage Girls in what I watched of this show is enough to drive me bananas. I don't want to look up the sixteen year old girl's skirt, netflix, I'm ambiguously in my mid twenties. The show's insistence on making me look at karen naked ruined it for me. It didn't even feel like it was saying anything? It just kept happening!!! Anyways, tl;dr, shameless is not for me.

VELMA

So, listen. I need to admit something: I've been deep in the Western Cartoons Discourse Trenches since I googled "My Little Poney Forums" as a young teenager. I never really participated, but I'm aware of the cycle of Discourse that happens whenever a show Like This comes out- a show with marginalized characters that isn't very good, or at least is perceived as such.

I watched Sacrificial Trash and you should too

What generally happens is an outpour of outrage and criticism that's 10% warranted, 30% nitpicky and 60% literal actual bigotry. You end up with a lot of video essays of Yelling Men With Glasses that makes me, a contrarian hipster, really interested in proving the internet wrong and actually Enjoying The Thing.

After watching all of Velma, my verdict is:

I Enjoyed Watching It But Would Not Recommend It To Most

The show is funny! It's visually incredible! It has a fun plotline! It has a lot of nods to older Scooby Doo cartoons that I, as a Child Born After 1960, Enjoy! And I like basically every main character and most of the side characters...

Except... It has two massive, glaring issues in its writing. Two major themes that not only make the show nearly unrecommendable to most people, but also revolve around the worst character in the show, Velma herself.

To start, this show has a massive, gaping problem with self-hating anti-indian racism.

Every time Velma's ethnicity is brought up, it's made out to be a gag!! It's to make fun of her!! She's called an ugly gorilla constantly!!! She's made fun of for being hairy!!! And it's never addressed!!! It's just a running gag that Velma hates being Indian and so does everyone else. It's very uncomfortable. I was hoping it'd tone down but it doesn't. The show doesn't even seem all that aware that her self hatred about her own culture and her ethnic features is... a bad thing? It's very strange. I know a lot of south asian people who refuse to watch the show or didn't continue past episode one because of this and MAN. I get it.

The show also has a bit of a misogny problem, which is weird because it tries to be feminist at times? With Fred learning to appreciate women for more than their appearances, which was nice, but the amount of times femininity and appearance gets conflated with being dumb and vapid is... a lot. And the show seems half aware that this is bad while also just. keeping on doing it. And Velma is usually the one being misogynistic throughout the show, and while they kinda try to develop her past it, it doesn't feel like the show takes it seriously as a theme.

Anyways. If you watched and went "man, this show was very well produced and beautifully executed in its visuals!" like a huge nerd, please know that Amy Winfrey, creator of Making Fiends and a director for both Tuca And Bertie AND Bojack Horseman was the supervising producer and I highly advise checking her out.

PS: Glenn Howerton should do more voice work

[testosteroneheart]

Day 859 of being tired of being fucking s a d.

Relationships are hard, idc what anyone says. It’s not perfect all the time, but why this?

I’m going to end up breaking this thing apart soon enough, idk how long I can pretend to be “okay”.

I’m getting bad again, emotionally, mentally, physically.

People could ask me my love languages right now and I literally would just say “to leave me the fuck alone”, but then be so damn lonely. It’s crazy, dude.

On the other hand, I’m over here looking for companionship from someone, anyone who “gets me” who would ever understand me at all…and it’s not my partner. It makes me feel so shit, because I isolate and try to give only to give, but it hurts. Then I try to give to others including him, and that makes me feel like a trash ass human being.

I am polyam, he’s aware. This is hard though, I know he supports me, but then that makes me question why? He will support certain aspects, but not everything (like the physical stuff) and say “but I want to be giving you that and doing that..” then fucking do it? Hello? And then… there is no change. There is never any resolve. I’m constantly told what I want to hear and it makes me wish I couldn’t hear at all. Lies hurt, and it’s constant.

I feel so unloved, and because of that and other factors, unlovable.

I feel so misunderstood, and because of that, unheard/unseen.

I’ve been complaining about this for years now… our anniversary is 3 years in November…and I’m no closer to seeing or feeling any change.

I just, don’t want to anymore, but what if I’m his person. I feel like I have to say to help him through things, to keep him company, to teach him, to comfort him… he’s gentle and kind… but why not… to me?

(I’m sorry that I’m all over the place. It’s the autism/emotions)

[noussommeslessquelettes]

🌻 hi it’s been a while i just read the last two chapters of laig (i’m only referring to it by initials now to save characters, tho this parentheseses phrase took more characters than it would’ve to just say the whole title) and i am still absolutely in love with ur writing but like that’s not news to anyone soo,, also love your absolute ESSAYS of ANs so much dude wtf i don’t understand why they appeal to me so much but they do. final note is that i’m not ready for the angst but dancing? yes pls

hey hey always nice to hear from u! ye dw I only type the whole thing bc it’s like a compulsion, not related to my OCD tho actually I think it’s related to the autism? but that’s besides the point

Aaaa as always thank u sm, tbh I can hardly remember what I wrote about yesterday but I think I complained about French? I always do so since when is that new lmfao. The ANs are so intimate bc like... I’m sharing with you all my immediate unfiltered thoughts as I edit and scramble to get all my shit together, and most of it’s written after my meds wear off so I have like NO control over what goes in there

But yeah when ppl tell me they like it it... Worms Me Harte somethin fierce

YEAH BABEYYYY THE DANCING SCENE IS MY FAVE PART AS U ALL KNOW!!!!!!! I’m so weak for pre-relationship slow dancing. I feel like it’s become my trademark, and I really hope so because I’m so so so in love with the concept, like the intimacy!!! The need to collaborate for something so mundane!!! The hyperawareness of where the others hands are and the nerves and the secrecy of a conversation shared a mere few breaths apart I’M SCREAMING JUST THINKING ABOUT IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And I hope the angst wrecks y’all a lil bit. I’m always afraid the angst is gonna miss the mark and it’s gonna just read like overreaction. Although Nanners taught me early on that if u believe in what you write your readership will believe it too, and lemme tell u I believe what’s about to happen warrants the Angst tag lol

[boldlyvoid]

ain't it fun?

summary: reader just needs an NA meeting before they have a meltdown, they end up with the best friend they could ever make.

warnings: Implied/Referenced Drug Use, Drug Addiction, Trauma Bonding, narcotics anonymous meetings, Strangers to Lovers, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Falling In Love, meet-cute,

word count: 3.3K

a/n: this is completely self-indulgent and overly personal but i def recommend writing why spencer would love you as a form of therapy

read on ao3

In the blink of an eye, she was up and racing around her apartment. Her mental health was like a teeter-totter, and right now she was on her way to the top. Mania was creeping in; changing from just anxiety-induced butterflied to the feeling that she could jump off a building and survive.

That was never a good time. All she wanted was to either spend all her money, fuck a stranger or get high as shit. It made her legs jumpy and her ears ring and she couldn’t take it anymore. It was all too much.

She threw on a sweater and jeans, her hair was up in a butterfly clip and she hastily threw on her fanny pack full of everything she needed as well as a big coat, and she then left her apartment. She got to the stairs before realizing she actually needed to lock the door.

Her hands shook and she tried to slide the key into the lock, dropping them as her neighbour rushed out of the room and startled her. “Sorry,” she heard him say.

She picked up her keys and turned to look at him, “can you help me? I can’t seem to stop shaking,” she asked as she held her keys towards him.

“yes, sure,” he rushed the words out as he walked towards her, only looking at the keys, never in her eyes. But that was okay, she was never a big fan of eye contact.

He placed her keys back in her hand and took a step back, “are you alright?” he asked.

“No,” she said honestly. “I’m going to find an NA meeting.”

“Do you have one in the area? I haven’t seen you around before?”

She shook her head, surprised that he was also an addict, he didn’t look like he’s ever even smoked weed.

“No, I moved in only a little while ago on a whim, but I think it’s time I got some support,” she said as they started to walk down the hallway together. “I’m Y/N, by the way.”

“Spencer,” he smiled softly. “I’m going to a meeting right now, actually, if you’d like to come? I won’t exactly be anonymous to you, but it’s a good one to go to if you just need one to fill the void until you find your preferred group.”

“Yes, that’s exactly what I need.” She smiled at him this time as he held the door open for her. “So, have you lived around here for long?”

“For about a few years now.”

“The building is good then? I was a little hesitant but I needed to get away,” she said, this time holding the door for them to leave the building and turn down the street towards where she knew the subway was.

The moon should be out, she looked up but only sees buildings. It was the one thing she missed the most about not being in the country; seeing the stars and feeling like there was a reason to it all.

“Are you running from someone?” He asks as they start the walk down to the meeting.

“Myself,” she said softly. “I’m on disability and don’t drive and I lived in the middle of nowhere with my parents, well into my 20’s, and I needed a change so my parents surprised me by saving up money for a few month's rent and told me to follow my heart.”

“And you picked Virginia?”

“I stayed in Virginia, just moved into the city. I watch a lot of murder documentaries in my free time, I thought being near Quantico would introduce me to some interesting people, but I have yet to meet anyone from the FBI at all.”

She laughed to herself at how dumb it was that she wanted to meet a profiler like Holden Ford from Mindhunter, “either they are all very good at keeping their jobs secret or Virginia is a very large and densely populated area with a low percentage of FBI agents.”

“Interesting.”

“What?”

“How long have you lived here?” he asked, slowing as he walked so he could look at her.

“2 months.”

“It took you two months to meet the FBI agent across the hall from you.”

“You’re kidding?” she said, stopping on the sidewalk abruptly. “I knew that apartment was calling me for a reason.”

“Don’t take this the wrong way, but, are you really just coincidentally my neighbour or are you secretly spying on me because you have an evil plan to kill me and my co-workers?” he's completely serious, it's almost scary.

“No offence, Spence, but for a supposed FBI agent that’s a dumb question to ask,” she said, pointing finger guns at him, “you don’t think I’ll give up my cover that easily? Do you?”

He points a finger gun back at her, “technically, I’m a doctor.”

The two of them narrow their eyes at each other, slowly walking in a circle, still facing each other with their make-believe guns trying to hold back smirks. She lowered her ‘weapon’ first. “It’s okay, doctor, don’t worry. I’m not a spy just an idiot with an imagination.”

He giggled softly, “I’ve never felt this comfortable with someone this fast.”

“Well, you are with criminals a lot, right? That would be alarming if you bonded with them,” she said, bumping her shoulder into his as they walked. “But I feel the same. I actually haven’t talked to someone in person in forever.”

“No?”

“I do most of my work and socializing online,” She felt embarrassed, but in today’s day and age, it wasn’t that weird. “I’m not very good outside or with people.”

“If it wasn’t for my job, I don’t think I would go outside very often either. My co-workers are my only friends, they’re more like my family actually.”

“That’s so wonderful to hear, found family is very important,” her smile disappeared as she thought about how alone she was. “Um, can I ask what it is you do at the FBI?”

“Behavioural Analysis.”

“Holy shit," she gasps, knowing way too much about that unit thanks to fucking Netflix, "that’s what the BSU became right? Do you work with the really fucked up shit?” she asked softly.

He laughed, “oh yeah, I really do.”

“Do you share a lot at NA?”

“Kinda, I tend to ramble about facts when I’m nervous so sometimes my short talk becomes more like a ted talk and what was supposed to be just me saying I haven’t relapsed on Dilaudid becomes a lesson on how the human brain works,” he explained, rambling just like he said he would.

She nodded along as he spoke, “funny, that was also my drug of choice.”

“Liquid or oral?”

“Oral. I was given it after I had my appendix out when I was 17. They get you started real young now, big pharma has its hand in everyone's pocket,” she presses her lips together awkwardly, “it was rough.”

He hummed in agreement. “I was held captive by an unsub with multiple personalities. One personality drugged me till I died and the other one brought me back.”

“Spencer, Holy fuck?” she stopped and stared at him so incredibly concerned for someone who just met him. She reached out and grabbed him by the shoulder and looked him in the eyes, “I know I barely know you, but if you need someone to talk I’m literally always across the hall.”

“Thank you,” he smiled softly as he looked back into her eyes. “The meeting is right there across the street, do you want a coffee first? The place beside it is amazing.”

She nodded and he took her hand, looking both ways before J-walking across the street with her to buy her a coffee and a snack. Maybe that would help her stop shaking, he looked like he worried about her and she wasn't used to that at all.

He didn’t talk at this meeting, he sat in the chair beside the group leader, she sat down across from him in the circle so she could focus. When the floor was opened up to new members, Y/N stood at the first chance she got.

“Hi I’m Y/N,” she said, to which she was welcomed by the crowd.

“I’m new to the city and looking for a new home group, not sure if I’ll stay here because I know Spencer outside of here but I really just needed to come today.”

She takes a deep breath as she thinks of how to start it, opting to just explain it and let the rant go where it may.

“I’ve never lived alone before and it’s incredibly hard to occupy my time without drugs. I still smoke weed to help me sleep at night but my addiction is with Dilaudid and then Benadryl a little after having surgery in high school. I don’t know if it’s my trauma, my disability or my Autism, maybe it’s my OCD, I really don’t know, but I just feel so useless and alone and boring and lonely, the drugs used to help but they don’t anymore and I really just don’t want to feel this way anymore.”

They all looked like they understood, small smiles grew all around the circle as she took a lookout at the crowd, “Thank you for letting me get that out.”

Everyone clapped as she sat back down and wiped a tear off her cheek.

The meeting ended shortly after that, Spencer walked from his seat in the circle to where she was sitting, reaching a hand out to help her to her feet. “For the record, I think you’re funny, smart, kind and pretty. And you don’t have to be alone anymore if you don’t want to be.”

She slapped her hand into his and stood up with purpose, “Did we just become best friends?”

“I believe we did.”

The walk home was much like the walk there. They traded facts, they flirted, they laughed, she pushed him into a pole at one point, by accident as they laughed. The two of them stopping to sit at a bus bench, laughing so hard she felt like she would pee her pants right then and there.

By the time they were back on their floor, it was well after midnight. “I don’t think I’ll be able to go back to meetings with you.”

“Oh, why?” he looked disappointed.

“Isn’t rule 13 that you’re not supposed to want to sleep with your group members when you’re healing?”

“Wanting to and doing it are two very different things,” he corrected her as he waited at his own door.

She smirked, “you’re right. Still don’t think I can go back with you, however.”

“I’ll probably have a case tomorrow, they normally take me out of town for at least a week, but when I get back, can I see you?” he asked lightly.

“Knock on my door when you get back,” she said before standing on her tiptoes to kiss him on the cheek. “See you.”

“Bye.”

They waved from their doors before departing, excited by something that felt better than drugs.

—

120 hours later there was a light knock at her door, she knows exactly how long it’s been because she’s been counting and looking out the door at every noise for the whole time he’s been gone. Waiting for him like a wife whose husband went off to war, not knowing when their next correspondence would be.

“Coming,” she called, stopping to fluff her hair and straighten her glasses before she opened the door.

“Spencer!”

“Hi,” he said softly.

She took a moment to look him over, a little in shock at what she saw. He was in a plain t-shirt and track pants, he had not one, but two black eyes, bandages on his brow bone and scrapes all along his arms.

“Are you okay?”

“You should see the other guy,” he giggled softly, rolling his eyes.

“Come in, let’s sit you down.” She worried, taking him by the elbow and helping him inside.

“I’m fine, really, I’m used to this.”

“Well I’m not,” she reminded him with a nervous pout, “am I allowed to ask about it or is it classified stuff?”

He sat on the couch and patted a seat beside himself so she would join him. He rested his arm against the back of the chair so that she could slide in beside him.

“Did you hear about the child abduction in Tampa?”

“Yeah? The two boys?”

“I was trying to talk the unsub down and he dropped the gun but he grabbed me as I turned him around and punched me in the face and we fell into the ditch and I luckily managed to flip over him and get his hands behind his back and cuffed faster than I ever have before.”

“You’re amazing,” she whispered.

He laughed, “if I really was, I would have waited for backup before talking to the guy.”

“I’ve always wanted to help other people get justice but not being able to go to school makes it hard to get a job doing anything meaningful,” she whispered, ashamed of the fact she wasn’t successful like most people her age.

“Our technical analyst was hired because she was an amazing hacker, they will hire anyone who is valuable.” He shrugs and watches her face light up at the idea.

“You know what, we have meetings all this week unless there’s an emergency, if you want I can show you around the office?” he offered. “It’s not illegal for you to pass by what I’m working on and notice something I missed.”

“Spencer, I don’t even know your last name and you’re inviting me to your government job? When just last week you asked, not so jokingly, if I was a secret agent trying to kill you and that you’ve been kidnapped before?”

“Doctor Spencer Reid, and what can I say?” he said shyly, “I’m trying to find excuses to see you smile all the time.”

She placed her hand on his cheek, the tips of her fingers lightly resting on his purple and yellow bruised eyes. She leaned in slowly and kissed him on the lips, so gently as if she’s afraid he’ll break or turn into a frog… he was too good to be true.

“You can see me whenever you want, Doctor Spencer Reid…”

He kissed her again, letting his hands roam her back and she trailed her free hand down his chest. She pulled back slightly to throw a leg over him carefully and sit in his lap. Holding his face in her hands now, she peppered kisses over his bruised face.

She stopped to look at him, still holding his face in her hands as his hands now rested on her hips. “I really like you, Spencer.”

“Really?”

She looks at him carefully, analyzing his response and seeing the hurt that rested deep inside of him, “I take it you’re like me?”

“What does that mean?”

“You try to not get too involved with people because no one has ever shown you true genuine interest or love, and you never think you’ll find it anyway so you push away all small acts of kindness, thinking it’s friendly because then you can’t get your hope up, just to have that person drop them?” she explained herself in a whisper.

He nodded, “you get it.”

She kissed his lips again, and then over his cheek and up to his ear, “I do.”

He looked extra sad when she pulled away, she just held his face gently as she mirrored his puppy dog eyes. Communicating with their eyes, she knew he was okay and he didn’t want to talk about it anymore, so she smiled.

“Want to watch a movie?” She asks softly.

He nods, looking behind her to see she doesn’t have a tv in the living room. “How?”

“In my room, the TV is on my dresser if you don’t mind sitting in my bed?”

He shakes his head in a simple no, picking her up and taking her to her room. He knew where it was purely because her apartment was just his but backwards. She laughs, holding onto him tight as she rests her head on his shoulder.

He sets her down gently, watching her move up to the headboard and wait for him. They got under the blankets and she found the remote in the sheet before she cuddled into him.

“You’re really cuddly,” she complimented him as he wrapped an arm around her and held her close. He kissed the top of her head as a thank you.

“I think I’m going to end up falling in love with you, Spencer Reid,” she whispers the words, afraid of them more than his response.

“I beat you to it,” he whispers right back.

She shoots up, turning to look at him with surprise. “How?”

He looks at her like she grew two heads, “what do you mean how?”

“How did you fall in love with me? You don’t even know me?” She’s so confused, no one has ever loved her before and it’s a lot to take in.

“Y/N…” his face drops, his heart physically breaks in front of her. “I don’t know you, you're right. Not all of you, at least. I’m sure you have your hidden doors and locked cupboards but from the outside, I see you’re so beautiful, you’re radiant… your mind is lovely. You’re so kind, you’re so brave, you’re everything I wish I could be as charismatically as you are.”

She’s just swallowing over and over as she shakes her head and breathes through her nose, processing it. She’s breathing deeply then, staring off and she feels like she’s having a new kind of panic attack. A happier one, somehow?

“I don’t like myself, but if you like me I guess I must be pretty nice,” she smiles, accepting his praise and believing him. “Yeah. Thank you, Spencer.”

He smiles then, it’s cute and press-lipped and she swears he almost has dimples. His eyes are like honey and his lips are like roses. She leans in, kissing him and reaching a hand back to cup the nape of his neck.

He doesn’t know it, but he’s the first person she’s kissed in a few years. They’re soft, peck after peck as they hold each other softly, eyes open as they watch each other experience the happiness of finding someone good, finally.

“I uh, I wanted to tell you I’m almost exactly everything you described yourself as in the meeting,” he whispers against her lips, the air touching her skin gently as she absorbs the words.

“What part? My diagnosis or my self-hatred?” She smiles, okay with either really.

“Almost both, I’m pretty hard to be around.”

She shakes her head, “I invited you in for a movie, not a pity party. You can tell me everything you hate right now and then we should just share the good parts okay? Brag about yourself. Tell me what you’re proud of.”

She was really serious, keeping a stern look on her face as she spoke. He nodded, “I’m anxious all the time, I’m always worried because I’ve never had anyone to worry about me. I don’t know how to be a real person really, all I do is drink coffee and solve crimes and I barely sleep. And the only time I was relaxed and okay is when I was on drugs.”

She nodded, “it fucking sucks, doesn’t it? Like why did we get stuck like this, I don't care about peaking in high school but didn’t we deserve some kind of love and support? I’ve never understood if souls and shit are real, why did mine pick this terrible meat suit and awful traumatic path?”

She’s crying because she’s angry and because she’s never said it to anyone before. He cries because she understands. She truly knows.

“I love you,” he announces. “Just because of that.”

Taglist: @blanchardsbk @shemarmooresfedora @spencers-dria @spookyspence @reidsfish @manuosorioh @mochionly @samuel-de-champagne-problems @jswessie187 @k-k0129 @calm-and-doctor

[rjalker]

I Care Very Deeply™ about fictional characters, especially characters in video games where I have some level of control over the story or at least am made to feel like I do. I feel responsible for them, and feel responsibility for what happens to them.

FFXIII-2's ending made me feel absolutely terrible and guilt-ridden and I literally spent weeks feeling so fucking guilty and upset, thinking, "I should have done something to stop it" because the game went out of its way to make you think you were in control and were capable of helping the characters and then the one time it actually mattered there was nothing you could do except sit there and watch.

I am not going to play a game where you the player are apparently literally possessing and controlling one of the characters and they're aware of this and hate it.

Yes, this is the autism speaking. Very obviously.

This is why I will never play FFXIII-3 no matter how much I love Lightning. I will not fucking accept that level of responsibility when I know I won't be able to save everyone. I refuse.

[shelobussy]

I'm new to the sherlock fandom, so Idk shit bout Moffat.

Could you please enlighten me?

Oh you just opened a huge can of worms.

My brain isn't really working right now, so this is going to be mostly incoherent ramblings. I think if you click on the #anti-moffat tag you'll get a better worded response, but I'll do my best to explain my own personal feelings on this.

The main problem with him lies in the fact that he's a misogynist. I haven't touched the Doctor Who or Sherlock fandoms in a while, so I don't really know what people are saying about him now, but there used to be so much controversy around his work.

Take Doctor Who for example. His series--although there are things I enjoy about it--falls victim of the male gaze constantly.

There's a character who literally exists to be in love with the Doctor, all of his female companions are in love with the Doctor, and basically everyone they meet falls in love with the Doctor. It's super condescending tbh.

The worst offender is his token lesbian couple. He writes them like he's never interacted with a woman in his life and doesn't know how to write f/f attraction.

Which leads me to the next part.

I don't know if you've finished Sherlock or not, but the deal breaker for me was his adaption of A Scandal in Bohemia. It was so so sexiest and lesbianphobic that I could barely finish it. Someone pls drop into my inbox and ask me to write a more detailed meta on this episode, bc I could Go Off for hours. Here I'll simply remind y'all that Moffat writes Irene Adler as a lesbian who falls in love with a man.

It's really fucking disgusting. I have literally no respect for this man.

Oh yea we also have to talk about the ableism.

Moffat likes to throw words like psychopath and sociopath around a lot without actually knowing what it means. I think Sherlock says in like every episode that he's a "high functioning sociopath" or whatever, but really he's just on the autism spectrum. But, of course, it's not badass to say that you're on the spectrum, so instead Moffat uses an already stigmatized term.

He also calls River Song a psycho/sociopath which is also wildly inaccurate bc she's an incredibly empathetic person! It's just cool and sexy for him to say that the Doctor fell in love with a psychopath or whatever.

Don't feel like, btw, that this means you can't enjoy Sherlock or the fandom. There are many things I still enjoy and love about Doctor Who, even series 5-10, because of certain writers, the actors, etc. I even like certain things about Sherlock (Martin Freeman's Watson is like my favorite Watson ever except for Elementary's adaption). It's just unfortunate that certain aspects of these shows suck bc their showrunner is kind of a dick.