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watchmegetobsessed · 3 years

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Crash Course - Bucky Barnes

a/n: this one? im in LOVE with this fic and im not even ashamed of it. there is just something about the MC helping him get used to living in the new century and im a sucker for it. so please enjoy this fluffy piece!

pairing: Bucky X Reader

word count: 3.6k

summary: Bucky is a regular at the café where you work at and seeing him struggling with technology, you offer to help him, teaching him the basics while you are both thinking about taking it a little further than just a crash course.

masterlist

The time between the morning rush and lunch time is always quiet, the café is almost completely empty, that’s why Bucky prefers to go out during that time, tuck himself away in the corner of the small but cozy place, a black coffee steaming on the wooden table in front of him, his laptop or a book or his phone reserving his attention, whatever he decides to put his energy into that day.

Today has been a rainy day, therefore the morning was a lot quieter than usually, not many likes to make an extra trip for a coffee in the pouring rain, so you’ve been enjoying the calmness, the soft jazz music playing through the speakers as you are putting away the freshly washed cups behind the counter. As if he has an appointment, Bucky walks into the café with a laptop under his arm, his cap hiding part of his face, but you can still see the shy smile on his lips as he closes the door behind him, the little bell chiming for a second time at his arrival.

“Welcome back, the usual?” you ask as he heads to his spot.

“Yes please,” he nods, shooting you a thankful smile.

You try to ignore the little butterflies in your stomach at the sight of the man, it’s almost ridiculous how you still get nervous when you see him, even though he has been showing up every day at the same time for the past about two months. You just can’t help it, there’s just something in those ocean eyes and perfect manner he always treats you with, something you don’t often get these days. Not many take the time to ask about your day or wish you a good one after you hand them their coffee, but Bucky is different. The same question falls from his lips every time you appear at his table with his order.

“How has your day been going?” he asks when you place the cup next to his laptop that’s loading.

“Pretty quiet, the rain keeps people away,” you chuckle, hoping your blush is not as apparent as it feels. “What about yours?”

“Just the same as usual,” he smiles softly and you nod, though you have no idea what’s usual for him. He might be friendly and quite welcoming when he is sitting at the café, he often chats with you about anything and everything, yet still, you know near nothing about him and his life outside of this place. It’s clear he is the kind of person that prefers to keep things to himself, but sometimes you are so desperate for just the smallest crumb of information about him. With the lack of details, you often find yourself making up things about him, like what his favorite dish is, where he likes to shop, what shows he watches on the TV. You might be entirely wrong about all of these, but it’s all you have.

Moving back behind the counter you busy yourself with cleaning it off as Bucky’s attention shifts to the screen in front of him. There are only two more customers in there and they are quite locked away in their own world as well, a college student working on some kind of assignment on her second espresso and an old lady solving Sudoku at the table near the window, sipping on a nice latte.

You can’t help but glance in his direction every now and then as you move the muffins around on the counter. He seems deeply focused, eyebrows knitted together as he is clicking away on the computer. From the looks of it, he is solving some kind of enigma, but when you walk past his table you see that he has an email open on the screen, his cursor moving around kind of aimlessly.

“Not finding the right words?” you ask, stopping to clean the table next to his that was previously occupied by a young couple. His eyes snap up to you before he huffs shaking his head.

“No, I’m just… terribly bad at IT stuff and I’m supposed to “CC” someone on this email,” he explains, using his fingers to air-quote as he glances back at the screen. “But if I’m being honest I don’t even know what it means,” he admits with a nervous chuckle.

You find it amusing, even cute that he is like an old man with these stuff. You’ve seen him struggling to type in a text message before on his flip phone that’s from the last century for sure and now this.

Placing the tray of cups down on the table you move over to him, taking the free chair next to him as you reach for the laptop, but you stop before touching it.

“May I…?”

“Go ahead,” he gestures with a nod.

You turn the device towards yourself as you click a few times, bringing up the option to send a copy of the email to another receiver.

“CC means that more people get the same email. You can put their addresses here. But you can also BCC people, in that case, the original receiver won’t see if the email was sent to others as well,” you explain patiently. Bucky tries his best to focus on the screen and what you’re saying, rather than the way your lips are moving and how badly he wants to taste them.

You haven’t been the only one feeling flustered and like a giddy teenager and Bucky didn’t choose this café as his usual spot for nothing. He spotted you the first time he stumbled in and the way you smiled brightly at everyone and the sweet chiming of your laughter made him want to come back the moment he stepped out that day. So he returned the next day and then the next day again… and now he couldn’t even imagine a day without seeing your eyes light up when he walks in while he can only hope you are just as happy to see him as he is to see you.

You help him send his email and you cheer in victory once it’s done and sent.

“See? It’s not as hard as it seems,” you smile at him gently, patting his arm that’s covered by a hoodie and your eyes fall onto his gloved hands on the tabletop.

“Yeah, I just have a lot of catching up to do from the past seven decades,” he mumbles under his breath, though he immediately regrets not keeping his mouth shut.

Your eyes flicker to his hand once again, then up to meet his gaze and he knows he just outed himself. He is expecting the usual: disgust, disappointment, even fear. That’s how most people react when they find out who he really is. But as he stares back at you, scared like a little kitten, you just smile back at him softly.

It’s not that you haven’t heard of the Avengers, because it’s impossible not to know who they are. You were just not expecting one of them to become a regular at your working place. The few times you saw him on TV he had long hair and his face was covered with a mask, so you’re not surprised you didn’t put the picture together. But knowing now who he is, you don’t see him in a worse lighting. If anything, you feel a little sad that he had to go through so much in his extremely long life.

“Well, feel free to ask any more questions. I’m not an IT guy, but I can help you with everyday stuff,” you tell him and he is in awe at your very normal, very sweet reaction. All he can do is nod as you stand from the table and grab the tray you abandoned not long ago, moving back behind the counter.

When you glance up your gaze meets his as he is still staring at you, nervous, a little anxious, but definitely relieved by your smooth reaction to finding out his identity. You shoot him a bright smile before moving to the table of the old lady who asks for another latte and as Bucky follows your frame move across the room he can’t help the small smile that tugs on his lips.

Your offer doesn’t stay unused. In fact, Bucky shows up at the café the next few days with a handful of questions for you, genuine ones, and a few he already knows the answer to, but wants to hear you explain them anyway. And you help him with anything, sitting at his table whenever you have a few free minutes between customers. He asks you about the internet, social media, online data bases and sources, going through a list from the little notebook he always keeps with himself.

The times spent with him are your favorite part of the day. You always look forward to whatever issue Bucky is going to bring up, fearing that one day he might run out of questions, but that just never comes. And you don’t know it, but your little sessions are the highlights of his days as well, listening to your smooth voice as you explain even the smallest things to him with so much patience, he is convinced you should become a teacher.

He thinks about asking you out every day, the question is always on the tip of his tongue.

What are you doing tonight? Would you want to go out with me? Do you want to grab a bite with me after your shift?

However he just never gets to actually say the words out loud. He is growing impatient with himself, he used to have no problem with asking girls out, but seven decades and another life as a brain-washed assassin later, this task feels way too impossible.

You’ve been telling him to get a smartphone for the past couple of days and though he seemed adamant, one day he shows up with a brand new one, still in the box.

“Oh my God, is that what I think it is?” you tease him with a dramatic gasp. Chuckling to himself he nods as he places the box to the counter while you are making the order of one of the customers. Today has been a little busier than usually, probably because of the special offer of 10% off from the new Cuban coffee beans your boss ordered in.

“I need a teacher to show me the ropes though.”

“Oh, Bucky, I would love to, but today is a bit crowded,” you pout as you put the lid onto the paper cup and hand it over to the customer, another one already walking in, eyeing the offer written on the black board behind you.

He didn’t even think you wouldn’t say yes, it never occurred to him that the timing might not be the best. You see as his smile slowly disappears from his scruffy face and your heart breaks seeing him like this.

“Yeah, sorry. Don’t want to keep you up,” he mumbles feeling defeated, but before he could grab the box from the counter, you put your hand on it, your fingers brushing against his gloved one, the tiny touch making both of you flustered.

“But how about after work?” you suggest and his eyes immediately light up. Spending time with you without any customers interrupting? That sounds like heaven to him.

“Y-you sure? If you have something to do, I—“

“Nothing to do,” you smile at him. You grab a napkin from the counter and a pan from near the cash register, quickly scribbling down your address before handing it over to him. “I’ll be home by seven,” you inform him as he glances down at your handwriting, noting how well it fits your personality. He then looks back at you nodding, as if he was just handed the best Christmas present ever.

“I’ll be there,” he smiles gratefully before stepping away from the counter and letting you work.

Five minutes after seven, Bucky is standing at your front door with a bag of Chinese food in his hands as he is trying to build up the courage to ring your doorbell. He found out that you live just a few corners away from the café, so he found your address easily.

“Come on, dude. Don’t be such a loser,” he mumbles to himself as he circles his shoulders before finally pushing the button. A short, buzzing sound is heard from the other side of the door and he stares at the 6B sign in front of you as he hears footsteps from inside. A few moments later the door swings open and there you are, still wearing the same clothes from earlier, a bright smile adorning your face as you beam at your guest.

“Come on in!” you gesture for him as he steps into the small apartment. “Tried to clean up a bit, but if I’m being honest I’m starting to grow out this place,” you chuckle as you push a box out of the way. It’s a small studio apartment with everything cramped into one space except the bathroom. You have a double bed pushed up against the wall in the corner, a small sofa with your wardrobe next to it, a TV, a tiny coffee table, a bookshelf and a dresser, a little dining table near the kitchen with three chairs and a pantry right next to the fridge that stands where the hardwood floor changes into checkered tiles. It really is a tiny space that holds a lot of stuff, but all the gadgets and clutter makes it cozy, lived-in, a place that’s so much like you that he feels like he is peeking inside your head as he walks farther inside.

“I brought dinner,” he shyly holds the bag up as you lock the door.

“Oh, you shouldn’t have!” you smile at him gratefully, because you didn’t really have time to buy anything on your way home since you had to make a quick trip to the post office after your shift, leaving you no spare time before his arrival.

“It’s the least I can do for all the help,” he smiles as you take the bag from him and bring it to the designated living room area of the place. Bucky joins you on the sofa and he thanks all higher powers your place is so small that you only have a loveseat, giving him the chance to sit close to you. Your thigh brushes against his as you hand him a box and make yourself comfortable as well, starting your feast while he asks you about your day, listening to your every word intently.

When the food is gone and you’ve grabbed two beers for the two of you, he pulls out the phone that’s the reason behind his visit. He bought a simple one, not at all one of the latest versions and it’s going to be the perfect model for him to learn the ropes on.

You help him put his SIM card into the new phone and then you set his account up before finally gaining access to the phone. You start with the basic features, showing him how to make a call or send a text before moving onto the different apps and possibilities while he listens to you as if you were talking about rocket science, but in a way, it feels like that for him.

“And here you can switch to the front camera,” you explain as you push the button and suddenly, the two of you come into picture on the screen. “Perfect for taking selfies,” you add with a chuckle.

“Oh, selfies. I’m not too good with those,” he huffs shaking his head.

“Because you probably haven’t found your angle!” you smirk. “Everyone has a good angle.”

“You think so?” you knits his eyebrows together.

“Mhm, look!”

Opening the contacts you go to yours, choosing the option to add a picture that will show up on the screen when you call him, and open the camera to take one instead of choosing from the empty gallery. Holding up the phone you position it so your good angle is in the picture before snapping the photo and saving it as your caller ID.

“See?” you smile at him before handing the device back to him. He just nods, even though he can only think about how all your angles are perfect to him and that now he has a picture of you in his phone. “Let’s take one together!” you beam and moving closer to him you take the phone once again, holding it up in front of you, trying to fit both of you into the frame.

Bucky tries his best to focus on the picture, but he can’t ignore how close you are to him, he can smell your shampoo and your cheek is almost pressed against his as you smile into the camera. The corners of his mouth curl up as his eyes fix at your reflection on the screen before you snap the photo. Opening up the camera roll you take a better look at it and it’s probably your favorite photo that has ever been taken of you. Mostly because he is in it as well, smiling so sweetly.

“It’s a good one,” you say and as you turn your head to the side you realize how close you really are to him.

“Yeah?” he breathes out, definitely aware of just the few inches separating the two of you.

“I-if you had an Instagram I would tell you to post it…” you stutter as your eyes flicker down to his lips, the urge to lean in and kiss him growing with each passing second.

Feeling a little dizzy, one of your hands fall to his lower arm, the one that’s made out of metal and your gaze drops to where you are touching him, a panic filled look flashing through his eyes.

He thinks that this is where the moment is ruined, where you realize the monster he really is and decide you don’t want anything to do with him. He almost starts to apologize for God knows what reason when you reach out and your fingers start to work on the straps of his gloves. It takes a few moments for him to realize what you are doing, and he tries to pull his hand back, but you grab it stopping him from doing it.

“It’s alright,” you smile at him softly, your eyes meeting his as you finish what you started and pull the glove off his hand revealing the metal underneath the leather. Then you move onto his other hand and do the same, dropping the pair of gloves to the floor as you take both his hands in yours, thumbs running across his knuckles, feeling the difference between his own hand and the artificial one.

You see his jaw flexing at the touch and reaching up you cup his cheek in your palm, making him to look you in the eyes. The strong and confident man you see sometimes is gone now, fear and hesitation taking over his expression as your other hand keeps holding his vibranium one.

“I’m sorry,” it falls from his lips as he closes his eyes for a second.

“For what exactly?” you ask with a soft chuckle. “There’s nothing wrong with you. You don’t have to hide yourself around me.”

“You don’t find it… scary?”

“Not at all,” you assure him. “You can’t be held accountable for what happened to you. Anyone who thinks differently is just an ignorant asshole,” you add grinning and it finally breaks his fearful expression, planting a smile on his handsome face.

Keeping your hand on his cheek you lean closer, your nose touching his but you stop before your lips could meet, giving him the chance to pull back. But he never does. Instead, he closes the gap between the two of you, pressing his lips against yours, finally making the fantasy you both have been daydreaming about reality. He starts off slowly, savoring each other gently, getting accustomed to the feeling, but it doesn’t take long before the kiss grows hungrier and your tongues meet in the middle.

Your hands rest at the base of his neck while his find your waist, pulling you closer until you swing a leg over him, sitting on his lap as you smile against his lips. His kisses feel delicate and soft yet very passionate at the same time, you love the dynamic you create, tugging and biting each other playfully, it feels like kissing him is the sole purpose of your life.

When it gets hard for you to breathe you pull back, eyes opening and finding his flushed face as he stares back at you with bright, joyous eyes, his lips slightly swollen, already making you want to go back to where you were just a moment ago.

“Who knew selfies could be so much fun,” he jokes making you laugh, his heart fluttering in his chest at the sound that’s so dear to him.

“I’m glad you liked my crash course on smart phones,” you grin down at him, your fingers tracing the sharp line of his jaw. “Do you have any more questions?”

Smirking his hand, his flesh one, moves up your back as he presses you closer, your lips almost touching his.

“Oh, I’ve got plenty,” he chuckles before kissing you again eagerly.

Thank you for reading, please like and reblog if you enjoyed it!

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allywritesforfun · 3 years

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Uhhh, a part 2 of the AweSamDude story. I don't know, maybe the court case would be cool! If requests arent open, then ignore them

um yes! I have wanted to make a part 2 for so long but had no clue where to start and this just makes perfect sense!

{Locked Up Heart pt 2} irl!warden!awesamdude x Reader

pronouns: were originally not mentioned, but now are she/they

word count: 2987

trigger warnings: mention/talk of rape and murder, court cases, somewhat angsty

a/n: the law I mentioned is a real law but I can't remember what the law is actually called so roll with it

part one

masterlist

You stared at yourself in the body mirror. You haven't seen yourself look like this in years. All dressed up and ready to impress. You wore a gorgeous black suit with a purple inside along with sleek black pants. You looked into the body mirror, admiring yourself.

Sam let you live with him “until you could find your own place” but neither of you had intentions of leaving. You looked at apartments once online, but you knew with this on your record that you were going nowhere but some run down ghetto, and Sam knew that too.

He knew that you would be able to take care of yourself there, he wasn't scared for your safety or any of that. He was scared that you wouldn't be able to support yourself. Finding a job was hard, all that there was these days for someone like you was online surveys that were not reliable.

Staying with Sam was the best of the both of you. He has been without a roommate for years now. He felt less alone with you being there. The first couple nights were awkward. You slept on the pull out couch and didn't have much clothes. You felt terrible about the amount of washes you did, but eventually you started to get more comfortable with Sam.

The first sign of progression was when he offered you his sweatshirt instead of a blanket. It was a sweet gesture, you gladly took it. Later that night instead of returning it, you cuddled it to sleep. Now, its your version of a teddy bear. Nice and warm and flourished with Sam’s scent.

You only started sleeping in his bed with him a week ago. It was a purposeful accident. He offered to watch tv in his room since you two deep cleaned the couch. You've planned on falling asleep on him, but you didn't plan for it to be that day.

It was the best feeling in the world: waking up to being wrapped around and held tight and safe. You must've laid there when you woke up for an hour before Sam got up. You pretended to be asleep so that you could play the innocent girl card. It worked.

You felt a pair of large hands caress your waist. You jumped and had a little fear-induced hiccup.

“Sorry!” Sam took his hands off and backed away. “I’m still getting used to sensitive areas.”

You two have been working on okay areas to touch. You taught yourself to be extra alert while in the prison and certain touches trigger your reflexes and others cause panic, like hips.

Because of your high murder count, you were sent to the normal prison, the non-all woman prison. It wasn't the worst in the world. You only saw males during eating times, but it was common to get grabbed like that. It happened to every single female, every eating hour. The guards did nothing about it, not that they really could.

Sam has seen it before, not you, but to other women. He had an idea of areas to stay away from, but he is such an affectionate guy and sometimes he forgets.

“You’re okay, Sam. The more you do it, the more comfortable I’ll get with it,” You explained.

Sam was so good to you. He’s helped you through it all. Everything that you needed to heal, he gave to you.

“Well then maybe after the trial we can get some practice in...” He swooned.

You chuckled, “If we win. There’s a chance I won't come back here tonight. I’m lucky enough that they gave me stay at home orders in the meantime.”

He nodded, “We’re gonna win.” He kissed your cheek, “How could anyone that looks as scrumptious as you right now lose? There is no way. We have the evidence, and we have your perfect prison record. Not a single misdemeanor! They might not drop all chargers but you’re coming home tonight.”

“Home?” You questioned.

You've avoided that word for the longest time. You always said ‘the house’ or ‘your place’. Not because you didn’t want this to be your home, not the exact opposite. You wanted this to be forever home, but you never wanted to overstay your welcome.

“Yes home,” Sam laughed. “Why wouldn’t this be home... you feel safe here don’t you?”

“I do!” You exclaimed, waving your hands back and forth in denial. “I just didn't realize you wanted this to be my home.”

Sam offered his hand out to you; you gladly took it. His soft hand gently squeezed yours as he pulled you slowly into him, embracing you, “Of course I want this to be your home. I couldn't imagine anywhere else I would want you to be. This never felt like home to me, until you came home with me.”

You breathed in his scent, instantly relaxing into him, “I like it here. A lot.”

He pressed his lips to your forehead, “Now have that same attitude in court, we got to go.”

The court room was filled, more than you expected. You looked around, not recognizing a single face except for a few prison guards who were testifying on both sides. You noticed the media set it up in the back. Your story hit the news faster than expected. You did have a great story: warden falls in love with murder.

“Hands out,” The officer directed.

You obliged. You opposed no threat to anyone and no intentions too, but if putting you in handcuffs made them feel better, then handcuffs it was. You looked back at Sam as the cold metal locked around your wrists. He replied with a frown, which quickly turned into an encouraging smile.

His bipolarness was the vibe right now. You noticed people having a hard time deciding where to sit. There were a lot of people on both sides, but no family members of yours. You gave up on them a long time ago when you noticed they weren’t writing letters and ignoring your calls.

You didn't need them, all you needed was Sam. You have everything you want right now, except for freedom.

“All rise!”

You stood up from the wooden bench. The judge walked in wearing the classic black gown and had a book in his hands. He nodded at a few of his guards before taking a seat. He opened up his book and looked around the room, landing on you.

“Good afternoon everyone, and there are a lot of you,” His voice was so deep that it bounced against the walls, making an eerie echo. “Calling the case of State Prison vs y/n. Are both sides ready?”

The representative of the prison and your lawyer both replied with a yes. The jury then stood and raised their right hand and made their oath, returning to the bench.

The representative stood up and gave their opening statement: “Ladies and gentleman of the court, Your Honor, the Jury. You will find that the defendant has been charged with four accounts of murder and convicted by confession. The defendant has taken accountability for all the murders committed and has given detail about how she killed those four men. It is ridiculous that we are here in court today deciding if we can release a serial killer back into the public. With a strong motive to kill, there is no reason why the defendant should be let back into the public eye.”

Serial killer. That is what you are. No one has ever said it that way, but he was absolutely right. You fit the definition perfectly, you had a type and more than three victims. It already wasn't looking good for you.

Your lawyer took center stage, “A martyr is the perfect word to describe the defendant. They have given their life to the state to save the lives of many to come. The strength that my client displays and ownership prove that although they are guilty of the crimes, they are still human and deserve a second chance.”

The judge called you to take the stand. You sat down after taking your oath and folded your hands neatly in your lap.

“Miss l/n,” He started. “Today you are trying to get your case dismissed after confessing to your crimes. That is very interesting. Let’s go back to before the crimes were committed, what were you thinking, what were you doing in your life at the time?”

You shook your head, “Many years ago I was an activist. I enjoyed speaking to the public about issues facing the community and the world at the time. If I wasn't outside with a sign, I was inside posting on social media. I was in college, I was studying Political Science.”

“And what were you planning on doing with the major?”

You paused. It’s been so long that you had a hard time remembering why you wanted to study and what career you wanted, “I was planning on becoming a political journalist, Your Honor.”

He shuffled around his papers, “I’ve looked at your latest credit that you were working on. It was a Sociology class. Do you remember what topic you were discussing in class?”

You nodded, “Rape. The number of rapes in a year and the number of rapists convicted was the last assignment I was working on.”

You remember that assignment like it was yesterday. That one assignment got you so worked up and so mad at the world, that you just had to do something. There was no way that you couldn't. Women’s voices were being ignored and cases rose every day; repeat offenders increased everyday.

“Now to my understanding all the men that you murdered were accused of rape.”

You nodded, “Yes, Your Honor.”

“The attorney may ask questions to Miss l/n.”

The attorney stood up and adjusted your jacket, “Miss l/n, did any of those men physically harm you?”

You shook your head, “No.”

“So you took advantage of the fact that you were young to persuade the men into being alone with you just to kill them?”

You shook your head, “No, I didn’t persuade them at all. All of them suggested going back to their place.”

“But you did stalk them to find out where they were going?”

“No,” You answered. “They had their location public on their phone. All I did was look up their name and I knew where they were.”

“So these men did nothing to you at all except invite you over to their house. And you accepted the offer under no influence or threat. You killed four innocent men and you want to be let back out on the streets? This woman is a danger to society. She seeks out innocent men to end their life for no reason.” He nodded his head and went back to his desk, looking at his notes. He looked back at you and nodded, “That will conclude my questioning.”

You looked back at your lawyer, they gave you back a look of relief. Then you searched the crowd for Sam. Once you found him he gave you a thumbs up. It seemed like you were already on top of the case.

“Miss y/n,” Your lawyer started. “We all know that you killed those men, but why?”

“They raped multiple women. When brought to court, they were given a light sentence and did not do proper justice to the woman. These woman went day to day fearing for their life that they ever spoke out about the terrible things that happened to them. I couldn't let myself live knowing that there was a reason for women to be scared because their government had failed them.”

“Those women were scared? Why were they scared?” “Because they feared that they would get raped again. All of those men were repeat offenders. They would only take more victims and never be punished.”

“So you killed those men to prevent others from being hurt with evidence that it would happen again.”

You nodded, “I would never hurt anyone that had no intentions of causing harm.”

“Miss l/n just described public defense. Under the public defense law, anyone can defend the public with reasonable cause. It’s like self-defense, but for others. She shouldn’t have been committed in the first place. If those men were still alive, they would have kept raping until they were killed. Miss y/n saved lives. That concludes my questioning.”

You were dismissed from the stand and went back by your lawyer. They smiled at you, knowing that with that alone, they had won the case.

The attorney called Sam to the stand; he took his oath and sat down.

“So, Sam. You were the warden in charge of the wing that Miss y/n was being held in?”

“Yes.”

“That prison is a tough place to be, she must’ve fussed around a lot.”

Sam shook his head, “Not one bit. She does not have a single complaint against her. Everything that was asked of her, she did with speed and efficiency. She didn't have one lash out in her time.”

“Nothing at all?”

“Like I said, not one complaint.”

“To my understanding you have a relationship with Miss l/n, is that correct?”

“Objection!” Your lawyer yelled. “Irrelevant to the case. Sam was called because of his position and his professional opinion, not his personal life.”

“Sustained.”

“That concludes my questioning.”

Your lawyer stood up and nodded. You could feel that they were about to lay down the last blow.

“Sam, did this prison have any rapists?”

He nodded, “All kinds of rapists, of all ages and target groups.”

“Did Miss l/n ever have contact with these rapists?”

“Yes. Most of the time during eating hours and the occasional passing in the hall.”

“And how did that interaction go?”

“Miss l/n was given a hard time by these rapists. While waiting in line she was often sexually grabbed. During passing she was cat called and teased at.”

“And what was here response to the sexual assault?”

“Stone faced, emotionless. Every time it happened it amazed me how she would just stand there and wait to be given a direction. The most reaction she’s ever had was lightly shuffling her body to get them off, but she never lunged or reached at them.”

“And what did the other guards do when they noticed this behavior?”

“Nothing. Sometimes they yelled if it was getting close to rape, but overall nothing. We were under instructions not to react because in the past it only caused encouragement of the assault. Prisoners love any excuse to fight a guard,” Sam looked over at you. “I am so sorry that there was nothing I could’ve done. Everyday I watched as you were touched and I wanted to give it to them, I wanted to make sure that I would see them every day of their life, but I couldn't. I couldn't risk hurting you more.”

You smiled, almost tearing up at his words, but you kept yourself composed with a small sniffle.

“The main concern of Miss y/n going back into the public is that she will kill again. As said by her and concluded by a court, she only killed rapists,” Your lawyer pointed out. “As stated by the warden in charge of looking over her, she had the opportunity to kill. She had the opportunity to hurt them, but she never took it. Even after being sexually assaulted, she still kept to herself. This is undeniable evidence that Miss y/n is a changed woman. In her file it is stated that she did more than required community service and went above and beyond with helping other cellmates. Her actions within the prison prove that she is a well-rounded and caring individual. She has changed her ways and is ready to go back into the world. She did justice to the world and it is time for the world to her justice.”

You waited anxiously for over an hour to find out what the jury had decided. You and your lawyer talked about possible outcomes. They told you the sooner they made the decision, the better chances that you had. You had no error in your case and said everything that you wanted to say. The opposing side’s evidence was all proven false.

You got called back into the court, the jury had made their final decision. You rose for the judge and took a seat when prompted. You could feel your leg bouncing.

“In the case of the State Prison vs l/n...” the judge started. You looked over your shoulder at Sam. He had his hands placed in a praying position with his head resting against them. “Miss y/n is found not guilty of all charges and her remaining sentence will be dismissed. She will compensated for her time falsely spent in prison plus be rewarded another trial for her sexual assault. This case is adjourned.”

You could feel emotion flood through you. Pure happiness and joy leaked from your eyes. You tilted your head back in relief and squeezed at your heart. All of these years of the bullshit you put up with was all worth it. You hugged your lawyer and thanked them up and down, the emotion so strong in you that you almost dropped to your knees. You were caught by familiar hands: Sam. Sam pulled you up and into him. He was practically jumping up and down in excitement. He calmed down for a second to lock eyes with you. He couldn't help but smile and cry with you. He placed his hands on your cheeks and pulled you into a deep kiss. It was nothing extravagant, just a simple deep and meaningful kiss that said all the words that he wanted to say.

“I’m coming home!”

#awesamdude #awesamedude x reader #x reader #warden #prison #warden!sam #irl #fluff #angst #mcyt #mcyt x reader #mcyt oneshot #oneshot #awesamdude oneshot #awesamdude imagine #imagine #mcyt imagine

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potteresque-ire · 3 years

Text

More ask answer about Word of Honour (山河令, WoH) and the so-called “Dangai 101 phenomenon” under the cut ~ with all the M/M relationships shown on screen, does it mean improved acceptance / safety for the c-queer community?

Due to its length (sorry!), I’ve divided the answer into 3 parts: 1) Background 2) Excerpts from the op-eds 3) Thoughts This post is PART 1 ❤️. As usual, please consider the opinions expressed as your local friendly fandomer sharing what they’ve learned, and should, in no ways, be viewed as necessarily true. :)

(TW: homophobic, hateful speech quoted)

After WoH had started airing, I had waited for one of China’s state-controlled media to publish opinion pieces about the show. Specifically, I’d like to know ~ what is the administration’s current take on Dangai (耽改), as a genre? How does it characterise the closeness of the same-sex leads—the closeness that is suppressed when the original IP, of the genre Danmei (耽美) was converted for visual media presentation?

This is important, as China is a country where the government’s attitude becomes the official public attitude. The state opinion pieces will be quoted and parroted, especially if they come from heavy-weight sources (state-controlled media also have their importance/influence hierarchy). Production of the upcoming Dangai dramas will adjust their scripts accordingly. Marketing tactics will also adjust, make sure it doesn’t spread “the wrong message”; Dangai and Danmei dramas have both been pulled off shelves during or immediately after its airing before (Addicted 上癮 and Guardian 鎮魂, respectively), despite having already passing the censorship board.

If a heavy-weight state opinion piece pans the one-lead-fawning-over-the-other scenes in WoH (there are a few of them), for example, scenes / lines of such suggestive nature will likely disappear from the upcoming Dangai dramas for at least a year or two. If the critique spills over to a harsh stance against the presence of queers in Chinese media, all future Dangai dramas can become strict “socialist-brotherhood” stories, their “no homo” message reinforced by, for example, by inserting a female lead (or changing one of the leads to female).

Whether the official public opinion equates the true public opinion or not, public behaviour in China is quickly driven by the official public opinion. Example: the Xi regime’s conservative stance on queer issues has already translated to a quick deterioration of queer tolerance in China; open expressions that were tolerated, even welcomed, just several years ago are now met with significant hostility in the public.

This is a reflection of the nature of their government. A quick thought experiment may explain this. Take … jaywalking. It’s probably fair to say we’ve all committed this “crime” before?

Will you still jaywalk if your government declares it immoral to do so? Where I am, in the United States, the answer is definitely a no. The public will probably laugh at (and make memes about) the poor official who made the declaration, kindly ask the government to do something useful for once (f*** off), and keep jaywalking.

Now, what if the declaration comes with a law that includes a one-year prison term + lifelong criminal record for jaywalking? Let’s say this law is fully executable and irreversible, given this being a thought experiment—nothing you, or the public, can say or do can contest it.

Will you still jaywalk, even if you disagree with government’s stance that the act is immoral? You’ve got a neighbour who continues to defy the law. Will you think twice before letting your young loved ones go out with them?

Very soon, jaywalking becomes “bad”—even though such “badness” had little moral basis at its origin. It is bad because the government has “characterised” it to be so—an authoritarian government that doesn’t allow challenge of the characterisation.

The retention of queer elements in Dangai is the jaywalking in the example. The Chinese government stepping in to characterise (定性) an event, a phenomenon etc is common, and the people know the drill well that they fall in line quickly.

If a powerful state-controlled media publish a negative opinion piece on the queer elements in Dangai / Danmei, therefore, those elements can disappear overnight.

My question had been: will the state do it? The Xi regime has made its distaste for LGBT+ representation in visual media abundantly clear with its NRTA directives. However, while the Chinese government typically puts ideology (意識型態) as its Guiding Principle, exceptions have always been made for one reason. One word.

Money.

TU is a legendary financial success story every production company (Tencent itself included) wants to replicate. As a result, there are ~ 60 Danmei IPs (book canon) with their copyright sold for Dangai dramas; this long line of Danmei dramas in the horizon has been nicknamed “Dangai 101”, after the name of the show “Produce 101” Dd was dance instructor in. These dramas are all competing to be the next TU by profit.

Adoration from fans is nice, but money is what matters.

C-ent is currently in a financial bleak winter. The anti-corruption, anti-tax-fraud campaign started by the Xi regime in 2018, which cumulated to a sudden (and unofficial) collection of 3 years of back-taxes from studios and stars, has drained a significant amount of its capital; the number of new TV dramas being filmed fell 45% between 2018 and 2019, and production companies have been closing by the tens of thousands. The tightening of censorship rules also means production is associated with more risk. The commercial sector outside c-ent is also eager for replications of TU’s success—they need more “top traffic” (頂流) idols like Gg and Dd whose fans are sufficiently devoted to drive the sales of their products. Such “fan economy” would benefit the government, even if it doesn’t have direct stakes in the companies in and outside c-ent. People’s Daily, the Official State Newspaper, previously published a positive opinion piece on fan economy in 2019, estimating its worth at 90 billion RMB (~13.7 billion USD) per year.

But if the state allows the queer elements in Dangai’s to pass the censorship board (NRTA) for profit, how can it do so with the current “No homo” directive in place? From previous experience (scarce as it may be), the queerness has to be sufficiently obvious for the shows to make the profit everyone is wishing for. Dangai dramas in which the leads’ romantic relationship remains subtle have not sold the way TU does, even if they are well-reviewed and feature famous, skilled actors (as Winter Begonia 鬓边不是海棠红 last year.)

NRTA, and the government behind it, can’t just say I’m turning a blind eye to the flirting and touching for the money. What can it say then?

Here’s what I’d thought—what it can say, or do, is to “characterise” these Dangai dramas in a way that leave out its queerness. It did so for TU. TU’s review by the overseas version of People’s Daily devoted a grand total of two characters to describe WWX and LWJ’s relationship—摯友 (“close friend”). The rest of the article was devoted to the drama’s aesthetics, its cultural roots. (The title of the article: 《陳情令》：書寫國風之美 Chen Qing Ling: Writing the Beauty of National Customs).

How could it do that? The State’s power ensuring few questioning voices aside, I’ve been also thinking about the history and definition of Danmei (耽美)—Dangai’s parent genre as the causes. Based on the history and definition, I can think of 3 ways the queer elements in Danmei (耽美) can be characterised by the state, 2 of which provide it with the wiggle room, the movable goalposts it needs should it choose to want to overlook the queerness in Dangai.

The 3 characterisations I’ve thought of, based on the history and definition of Danmei (耽美) are:

1) The queer characterisation, which focuses on its homoerotic element. * Summary of the characterization: Danmei is gay.

2) The “traditional BL” characterisation, which focuses on BL’s historic origin as a “by women, for women” genre. The M/M setup is viewed as an escapist protest against the patriarchy, a rejection of traditional gender roles; displays of M/M closeness are often “candies” for the female gaze. * Summary of the characterization: Danmei is women’s fantasy.

3) The aesthetic characterisation, which focuses on beauty—from the beauty of the characters, the beauty of a world without harm to the romance. * Summary for the characterization: Danmei is pretty.

The queer characterisation (1) is well-understood, and likely the default characterisation if it is to be made by the fraction of i-fandom I’m familiar with. Most i-fans I’ve met, myself included, would likely and automatically associate the M/M relationships in The Untamed (TU) and WoH with queerness.

The “traditional BL” characterisation (2), meanwhile, equates Danmei with BL as the genre of homoerotic works developed in 1970’s Japan for women comic readers, and has been widely interpreted from a feminist point of view.

Under such interpretation of “traditional BL” works, the double male lead setup wasn’t meant to be an accurate depiction of homosexuality. It wasn’t about homosexuality at all. Rather, it was about the removal of women and along with it, the rage, the eye-rolling, the unease women readers had often felt when attempting to interact with mainstream romance novels of the time, in which the female leads had mostly been confined to traditional women roles, and their virtue, their traditional feminine traits.

The M/M setup therefore acted as a “shell” for a het relationship that allowed removal of such social constraints placed on women. The lead with whom the woman audience identified was no longer bound to the traditional role of women, such as being the caregiver of the family. The lead could instead chase their dreams and roam the world, as many contemporary women already did or aspired to do; they were no longer limited to playing the passive party in life and in the relationship—and they enjoyed such freedom without risking the love, the respect the other male protagonist felt for them.

BL, in this traditional sense, has therefore been interpreted as an answer for, and a protest against the heteropatriarchal gender norm still dominant in societies deeply influenced by Confucianism, including Japan, Korea, Taiwan, Hong Kong, China. The M/M setup is, at heart, (het) women’s fantasy. The inclusion of two young-and-beautiful male leads also satisfy “the female gaze” ~ the popularity of BL among het women has therefore been compared to the popularity of lesbian porn among het men. In both cases, the audience is drawn not for the homosexual element but by the presence of double doses of sexual attraction.

(Please forgive me if any of my wording comes as disrespectful! I’m not used to talking about these topics.)

The availability of the “traditional BL” characterisation (2) is key to bypassing queerness as a topic in the discussions of Danmei (耽美).

The aesthetic characterisation (3) is very closely related to 2) in origin, but deserves its own point as a characterisation that can stand on its own, and may be more obscure to the English-speaking fandom given the common English translation of Danmei (耽美) as Boy’s Love.

Boy’s Love, as a name, amplifies the queer characterisation (1) and de-emphasises the aesthetic characterisation (3); Danmei (耽美), meanwhile, does the reverse.

Where does the name Danmei come from?

When BL was first developed in Japan, it used to have a now out-of-fashion genre name: Tanbi. Tanbi was borrowed from same name describing a late 19th century / early 20th century Japanese literary movement, known as Tanbi-ha and was inspired by Aestheticism in England. Aestheticism “centered around the doctrine that art exists for the sake of its beauty alone, and that it need serve no political, didactic, or other purpose”. Along the same line, the core belief of authors of Tanbi-ha was that art should celebrate beauty and reject the portrayal of ugliness in human nature, the darkness of reality:

…Tanbi writers argued that the ideas of naturalism writers such as “objectivism,” “truth is more important than beauty” and so on would “oppress human beings’ desire” so as to “lose beauty and human nature.” Accordingly, they insisted on “acute mental and emotional sensibility” [Ye, 2009].

(Source, with more details on Tanbi.)

Neither romance nor homosexuality were requirements for works in the original Tanbi-ha genre. BL borrowed the name Tanbi because its early authors saw their work created under the same principles: the emphasis on the beauty of their characters, their love (romantic and platonic), in a world that was also beautiful and untouched by ugliness such as sexism and homophobia.

The stubborn persistence on keeping one’s eyes trained on the beautiful, the willingness to turn a blind eye to reality for the sake of the beauty is built-in in the genre’s name. Tanbi meant more than beauty, aesthetics; its kanji form was written as 耽美; 耽 = to sink, drown in, to over-indulge in; 美 = beauty.

Tanbi, therefore, literally means to drown in, to over-indulge in beauty.

Over time, as the genre expanded its writing style, Tanbi eventually fell out of favour as BL’s genre name in Japan. However, as it gained popularity in the Sinosphere in the 1990s, starting with Taiwan and Hong Kong, the kanji of Tanbi was retained as the Chinese name of the genre.

In Mandarin Chinese, 耽美 is pronounced Danmei. A hyperfocus on the aesthetics, the utopian aspects of traditional BL is therefore retained in Danmei by its name. People’s Daily could therefore devote its review of TU on its aesthetics. Realism, including politics and all discussions of social issues, can therefore be swept aside in the name of respecting the genre’s tradition.

I’ve mostly been reading about and observing c-fandom, and I believe these 3 characterisations have all attracted its own kind of fans. Fans who care and talk about queer issues even when it isn’t encouraged by their sociopolitical environment, who shine a light upon these issues in their fan works. Fans who treat the M/M leads as if they were a traditional cishet couple, such as calling one of the leads 老婆 (wife) and assigning him biologically female functions when needed (via, for example, the ABO trope). Fans who insist the works must meet their beauty standards, rejecting those that fail (for example, if the leads are not good looking enough) by claiming they’re there for Danmei, not Danchou (耽醜, “over-indulgence on ugliness”). Fans who are drawn to the genre by a combination of these characterisations.

By the history and definition of the genre, all the above reasons for fanning Danmei are as valid, as legitimate as one another.

I thought about this related question then: are c-fans of the second (traditional BL characterisation) and third (aesthetic characterisation) groups homophobic? When I first asked this question, I—a fan whose fandom experience had been entirely in English-speaking communities—assume the answer was yes. I thought, in particular, the insistence of treating Danmei’s M/M couples as cishet couples in a homosexual shell had to be conscious queer erasure. How can anyone ignore the same-sexness of the leads? How can anyone talk about Danmei without associating it with homosexuality?

However, as I read more—again, specifically about c-fandom, and in Chinese—I realised the answer may be a little more complex.

Previously, I had largely thought about homophobia in terms of individual attitudes. This has to do with my current environment (liberal parts of the United States), in which the choice to accept or reject the queer community has become a close to personal choice. Pride flags fly all over the city, including the city hall, every summer, and most churches welcome the LGBT+ community. I hadn’t considered how an environment in which queers have never enjoyed full social exposure, in which education of related topics is sorely lacking, would affect Danmei’s development as a genre.

In such an environment, it is difficult for Danmei to evolve and incorporate up-to-date understanding of RL queerness.

The consequence I can see is this: Danmei is more likely to be “stuck” in its historical characterisation as (het) women’s fantasy inside than outside the Great Firewall, with its queerness de-emphasised if not erased—and it draws fans who are attracted to this kind of characterisation accordingly. This is, perhaps, reflected by the fact that the (het) women-to-queer ratio of Danmei / BL fans is significantly higher in China than in the West (Table 1 in this article summarises how Danmei / BL fans have split between different genders and sexual orientation in the Sinosphere vs the West in different research studies).

Another driving force I can see for Danmei to retain BL’s traditional feminist and aesthetic characterisations: women in China are not free from the social pressure that led to the birth of BL in 1970’s Japan. While many of them have achieved financial freedom through work and have high education, the young and educated have been subjected to immense pressure to get married and have children especially in the past decade.

In 2007, the China’s state feminist agency, the All-China Women’s Federation (中華全國婦女聯合會), coined the term 剩女 (literally, “leftover women”) for unmarried, urban women over 27 years old. The government started a campaign that, among other things, associated women’s education level with ugliness, and their unmarried status with pickiness, moral degeneracy. The reason behind the campaign: birth rates are plummeting and the state wants educated women, in particular, to nurture a high quality, next generation workforce. More importantly, the government sees a threat in the M/F sex imbalance (high M, low F) that has commonly been attributed to the country’s “one child policy” between 1979-2015, which encouraged female infanticide / abortion of female foetuses in a culture that favours surname-carrying boys. The state fears the unmarried men will become violent and/or gay, leading to “social instability and insecurity”. Therefore, it wants all women, in particular those who are educated, to enter the “wife pool” for these unmarried men. (Source 1, Source 2: Source 2 is a short, recommended read).

For Chinese women, therefore, patriarchy and sexism is far from over. Escapist fantasies where sexism is removed—by removing women from the picture—are therefore here to stay.

Danmei is therefore not queer literature (同志文學). The difference between Danmei and queer literature is highlighted by this reportedly popular saying (and its similar variations) in some Danmei communities:

異性戀只是傳宗接代，同性戀才是真愛 Heterosexuality is only for reproduction. Only homosexuality is true love.

The attitude towards heterosexuality is one of distaste, viewed as a means to an end the speaker has no interest in. On the contrary, homosexuality is idealised, reflecting the disregard / lack of understanding of some Danmei fans have towards the RL hardships of c-queers. The ignorance may be further propagated by gate-keeping by some Danmei fans for safety reasons, keeping queer discussions away from their communities for fear that their favourite hangouts would meet the same uncertain fate of other communities that previously held open queer discussions, such as the Weibo gay and lesbian supertopics. Such gatekeeping can, again, be easily enforced using tradition as argument: the beauty 美 is Tanbi and Danmei (耽美), remember, includes the beauty of utopia, where ugly truths such as discrimination do not enter the picture. A Danmei that explores, for example, the difficulty of coming out of the closet is no longer Danmei, by its historical, aesthetic definition.

[I’ve therefore read about c-queers viewing Danmei with suspicion, if not downright hostility; they believe the genre, by ignoring their RL challenges and casting them as beautiful, even perfect individuals, and in some cases, by fetishising them and their relationships, only leads to more misconceptions about the queer community. Dangai, meanwhile, has been viewed with even more distaste as potential weapons by the state to keep gays in the closet; if the government can shove the Danmei characters into the “socialist brotherhood” closet, it can shove them as well.

I haven’t yet, however, been able to tease out the approximate fraction of c-queers whose views of Danmei and Dangai is negative. The opposing, positive view of the genres is this: they still provide LGBT+ visibility, which is better than none and it would’ve been close to none without Danmei and Dangai; while Danmei may skim over the hardships of being queer, fan works of Danmei are free to explore them—and they have.

This article provides insights on this issue. @peekbackstage’s conversation with a Chinese film/TV director in Clubhouse is also well worth a read.]

That said, Danmei can only be dissociated from the queer characterisation if there’s a way to talk about the genre without evoking words and phrases that suggest homosexuality—something that is difficult to do with English. Is there?

In Chinese, I’d venture to say … almost. There’s almost a way. Close enough to pass.

The fact that M/M in traditional BL has been developed and viewed not as queer but as a removal of F also means this: queerness isn’t “built-in” into the language of Danmei. The name Danmei itself already bypasses a major “queer checkpoint”: it’s impossible to refer to a genre called Boy’s Love and not think about homosexuality.

Here’s one more important example of such bypass. Please let me, as an excuse to put these beautiful smiles in my blog, show this classic moment from TU; this can be any gif in which the leads are performing such suggestive romantic gestures:

How can I describe this succinctly? In English?

Two men acting in love? Er. That’s… the definition of gay, almost.

Two men acting gay? Well. GAY.

Right. Fine. Let’s go negative. Queerbaiting? … Still gay, because the word “queer” is in there.

[Pie note: for the record, I don’t think TU or WoH is queer-baiting.]

Personally, I find it impossible to describe the GIF above in English that I do not automatically associate with RL romantic love between two men, with homosexuality. But can I do it in Chinese?

… Yes.

There’s a term, 賣腐 (pronounced “maifu”), literally, “selling 賣 the rot 腐”, derived from the term known among i-fans as fujoshi and written, in kanji, as 腐女. Fujoshi, or 腐 (“rot”) 女 (“women”), describes the largely (het) female audience of the Japanese BL genre (>80%, according to Wikipedia). Originated as a misogynistic insult towards female Japanese BL fans in the 2000s, fujoshi was later reclaimed by the same female BL fans who now use the self-depreciative term as acknowledgement of their interest being “rotten”, for BL’s disregard of the society’s traditional expectations on women.

賣腐 is therefore to “sell the rot” to the rotten women; ie. the suggestive romantic gestures, exemplified by the GIF above, between the M/M leads are catering, performing fan service to their target audience.

[賣腐 is also a term one will see in the state opinion pieces.]

There’s nothing gay about this term.

I’ve therefore found it possible to talk and think in Chinese about Danmei while giving little thought to queerness. The history and definition of Danmei allow that.

Again, I’m not saying any of this to excuse homophobia among in Danmei and Dangai fandoms. The point I’m trying to make is this — given that Danmei has three potential characterisations, two of which can be discussed without abundantly evoking queer concepts and vocabularies, given that history of Danmei, as a genre, already favoured characterisation 2 (traditional BL), the government addressing homosexuality in its opinions on Danmei and Dangai is far from a given.

By extension, the popularity of Dangai may mean a lot or little to c-queers; by extension, the state can approve / disapprove of Danmei and Dangai in a manner independent of its stance on homosexuality, which is itself inconsistent and at times, logic-deying (example to come…).

This is both good and bad, from the perspective of both the government and the c-queer community.

For the government: as discussed, the “triality” of Danmei allows the state to “move the goalpost” depending on what it tries to achieve. It has characterisations 2 (the traditional BL characterisation) and 3 (the aesthetic characterisation) as excuses to let Dangai dramas pass the censorship board should it want their profit and also, their promise of expanding the country’s soft power overseas by drawing an international audience. These characterisations also allow the state to throw cold water on the popularity of Danmei / Dangai should it desire, for reasons other than its queer suggestions—despite the Xi regime’s push against open expressions of queerness (including by activism, in media), it has also been careful about not demonising c-queers in words, and has countered other people’s attempts to do so.

Why may the government want to throw cold water on Danmei and Dangai? They are still subculture, which the state has also viewed with suspicion. In 2018, a NRTA directive explicitly requested that “c-ent programmes should not use entertainers with tattoos; (those associated with) hip-hop culture, sub-cultures (non-mainstream cultures), decadent cultures.” (”另外，总局明确要求节目中纹身艺人、嘻��文化、亚文化（非主流文化）、丧文化（颓废文化）不用。”).

Subculture isn’t “core socialist values”. More importantly, it’s difficult to keep up with and control subculture. 環球網, the website co-owned by People’s Daily and Global Times (環球時報), ie, The State Newspaper and The State Tabloid, famously said this on its Weibo, on 2020/03/04, re: 227:

老了，没看懂为什么战。晚安。 Getting old. Can’t figure out what the war is about. Good night.

The State also cannot stop subculture from happening. It doesn’t have the resources to quell every single thing that become popular among its population of 1.4 billion. What it can do to make sure these subcultures stay subcultures, kept out of sight and mind of the general public.

Characterisation 1 (the queer characterisation), meanwhile, remains available to the state should it wish to drop the axe on Dangai for its queer elements. I’m including, as “queer elements”, presentation of men as too “feminine” for the state—which has remained a sore point for the government. This axe have a reason to drop in the upcoming months: July 23rd, 2021 will be the 100th birthday of the Chinese Communist Party (CCP), and the state may desire to have only uniformed forces and muscled, gun-toting “masculine” men gracing the screens.

What about for c-queers and their supporters (including group I fans)? What good and bad can the multiple characterisations of the genres do for them?

For c-queers and their supporters (including group I fans), their acceptance and safety are helped by the Dangai genre, by the Dangai 101 phenomenon, if and only if the state both characterises the queer elements in these dramas as queer (characterisation 1) AND their opinions of them are positive.

Personally, I had viewed this to be unlikely from the start, because a queer characterisation would mean the censorship board has failed to do its job, which is embarrassing for the Chinese government.

Characterisations 2) and 3) are not bad for c-queers and their supporters, however, and definitely not “enemies” of Characterisation 1); they can not only serve as covers for the queer elements in Dangai to reach their audience, but also, they can act as protective padding for the LGBT+ community if the content or (very aggressive) marketing of the Dangai dramas displease the government — with the understanding, again, that the “traditional BL” arm of the Danmei community is itself also highly vulnerable by being a subculture, and so its padding effect is limited and it also deserves protection.

The downside to achieving LGBT+ visibility through Dangai is, of course and as mentioned, that these dramas are, ultimately, deeply unrealistic depictions of the c-queers. The promotion of these dramas, which has focused on physical interactions between the male leads for “candies”, can encourage even more fetishising of queers and queer relationships. The associated (character) CP culture that makes and breaks CPs based on the dramas’ airing cycle may also fuel negative perception of queer relationships as attention-seeking behaviour, something that can be initiated and terminated at will and for the right price.

Finally, with all this said, which characterisation(s) have the government taken re: Dangai and/or WOH? And what opinions has it given to its characterisations?

PART 1 <-- YOU ARE HERE PART 2 PART 3

#pie metas #yizhan #bjyx

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tipsydipsydo · 3 years

Text

Pairing: Taehyung x Reader

Gender of the Reader: female

Word Count: 1.6k

Rating: 16+

Genre: Fluff; Smut

AU: non-idol! AU; established relationship AU!

Warnings: soft (!) Dirty Talk; sweetest Taehyung alive; virgin! Reader; Petnames; both of them getting turned on by a sex-scene in a movie; talk about sexual fantasies; mentions of oral (female receiving); mentions of vaginal intercourse; slight talk about boundaries

Summary: It’s Sunday afternoon and Taehyung and you are watching a romantic historical movie for your quality cuddle time. This movie also includes a sensual & erotic scene which has some kind of effect on both of you. It leads to a talk where Taehyung tells you his dreams and fantasies, what he wants to do with you, whenever you feel ready for this step...

A/N: I think all of you already know that it can take me months until I finish somebody’s birthday present... here you go, my lovely @hantaev! It turned a little different out than I thought it would but I hope that you like it!! Love you 💕 Status: unedited

Movie Source:

A little Chaos - Trailer

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It is a lazy Sunday afternoon, where Taehyung and you decided to watch a movie and cuddle under the mountains of pillows and blankets you hoard in your room, preferably on your bed. Your boyfriend knows that you have a weak spot for everything that takes place in a historical era and includes a more or less dramatic and cheesy lovestory. He doesn’t mind, he loves to see your beautiful face lighten up when he mentions that he found a new movie of Netflix which might raise your interest and you get all exited about it, to watch it here and now.

For today you both choose the movie “A little chaos” for your weekly couple cuddle time and you enjoy it a lot. The love story, the historical background, the beautiful ball gowns and all of that in the warm arms of Taehyung. It’s simply a perfect afternoon and you couldn’t be happier in this moment.

The sweet and innocent kisses and touches you shared with each other beforehand, pauses in the moment where the two main protagonists, André and Sabine, gets closer to each other... very close, uhm, up to the point where they begin to undress their lover. Your breath quicken when you feel how Taehyung’s arms pull you tighter against his broad chest. You’re so close to his heart now, you can listen to the rapid beats, faster than usually and you can sense that he got a little nervous by the scenery on the screen as well. His hands still rest well-mannered and behaved on your covered stomach, even though you can almost feel his hesistance to tell you something.

You get pulled out of your stream of thoughts when soft moans finds their way out of the television speakers and fills the silent room with arousing noises. You gulp harshly and without noticing it by yourself, you rub your thighs together to ease the almost painful ache between your legs. This sweet, nowadays pretty simple lovemaking scene is doing something to your untouched body. You’re still a virgin and didn’t even touched yourself ‘properly enough’ to call it masturbation. You don’t know why it happens to be like that... it just happens? It’s not like you didn’t want to touch yourself because of other reasons, you simply never ‘desired’ to do it. Maybe just until now... now you feel an urge you’ve never felt before and you don’t know to handle it.

Taehyung knows all of that and actually encourage you to take your time until you are ready, he doesn’t want to push you in any way. Actually, he always tell you that you make the rules about your body, your sexuality and your individual experiences and make sure that you don’t feel insecure or pressed by society why you don’t have certain experiences yet, especially according to your age. That’s the reason he makes you feel so comfortable and safe, he always makes sure that you’re fine with every step you both make together in your relationship, your shared adventure. He always asks for your consent, even when it’s just a simple kiss. You love that about him, how gentle and attentive he is, sensing discomfort before you realize you weren’t 100% sure about his suggested step. Endless patience, never getting mad at you when you need more time for the next step than most other peoples. God, you love him so, so much!

Taehyung reaches out for the Remote Control of the TV to lower the volume a little bit. The rest of the movie and what’s happening after the lovemaking scene blurries into each other, your thoughts can’t focus on the movie anymore, so it doesn’t bothers you.

“Baby... I hope it’s not intruding your personal space if I tell you... if I tell you that I’d cherish your body, when the time has come that you’d be ready for that step... just like André did to Sabine’s. Are you... are you comfortable if I tell you some of my fantasies I have... how I plan to make your first time beautiful and comfortable for you?”, Taehyung rasps mit your ear. His voice dropped significantly a few octaves, giving you the hint that he got the same feeling by watching this erotic and sensual scene just like you.

A small hum leaves you throat, followed by a soft spoken “Yes”. You bite your lower lip, you’re terribly curious and exited to hear what he has planned for that special moment.

With your verbal consent, Taehyung continues: “I thought often about how I could make this moment as enjoyable as possible for you... I dreamed about how I’d scatter countless kisses all over your gorgeous body, whispering praises into your ear, telling you how flawless and stunning you look... like my personal incarnate goddess. I know, I’ve never seen you naked before but I can guess that your body will be as beautiful as your wonderful soul. I want to explore you with all my senses. I want to kiss you... I want to taste you. I would love to feel your soft skin underneath my lips and my tongue, pleasing your sensitive spots with kisses, licks and sucks... To make your nipples oversensitive with my mouth before I leave a trail of kisses down your soft belly and go down on you... I hope you don’t mind if I tell you how often I thought about to eat you out, to settle between your soft thighs and please you with my tongue.”

He pauses for a moment, waiting for your consent to carry on with his monologue. You nod slightly, a quiet “Please tell me more...” leaves your lips.

“... I want to feel your body. Against my body and underneath my fingertips, admiring your beauty and pleasing you with my digits. I want to see your face twisting in pleasure... I want to treat you so good until you fall apart, so I can catch you when you come down from your high. I want to smell your body. You always smell so good and want to bury my nose in the crook of your neck, into your hair and moan into your ear when we connected our bodies, when I am inside of you... feeling you so snug and tightly wrapped around my length. I hope the fantasies of my daydreams meet your own expectations...”

Taehyung sighs deeply after he drew this images on both of your mind. You think, that his voice just dropped even lower while talking and he can’t deny it, it’s drenched in arousal. But there is no longing, no pressure, no intrusive thought to push you indirectly through this talk to let it finally happen. He is just talking about his fantasies but it’s ‘timeless’, he don’t care if you want to take the next step today or next week or in six months. You realize, you both took a new step, at least somehow. You’re talking about your sexual fantasies but without any expectations that it has to happen anytime soon.

“...Taehyung?”, you ask with a slightly trembling voice, gnawing on your lower lip. Yes, his spoken words did definitely something to you. Something that you didn’t felt until now and it urges you to take care of. Your body feels so, so hot and the feeling in the pit of your stomach drives you almost insane. Well, you may never have experienced it by yourself yet but you can guess that it’s sexual desire. Also, you know that Taehyung would never take advantage of your inexperience, that’s the reason why you feel so safe in his arms even when your body reactions confuses you a lot.

“Yes, Honey?”

“...would you... would you mind if we take a new step today... now?”, you ask softly, a little nevousness makes your voice slightly tremble.

“What kind of new step, Baby?”, Taehyung asks you gently and turn you around, so you can face him. You smile shyly, wetting you’re lips more often as usual and make them look so terribly kissable.

“Maybe... maybe exploring each other’s body? Only if you want to of course! Maybe undressing each other and feeling the soft skin of the other one underneath our palms... Kissing other body parts than just the lips... making each other feel really good. I- uhm.. right now my body feels like it’s burning inside out and I think only you can take care of it properly... and maybe teach me how I can take care of it in the future as well...”, you mumble, almost wispering it into his ear.

“...that sounds amazing... are you sure you want this? It wasn’t my intention to cause this to happen when I told you that... you don’t owe me anything, Baby. You know that right?”, he wispers in his hoarse voice back, cupping your face in his hands and looking into your eyes with pure honesty.

“I know that, Taehyung. I know that you wouldn’t take any advantage of me. I am very thankful for that, really. But I am more than sure that I am ready to go a step further... together with you and your help.”

“Oh Baby... anything for you. Tell me what you want me to do for you.”

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maxwell-grant · 3 years

Note

OK, I know this will probably be painful, and I may be a bad mutual for asking but...would you be willing to identify what, in your opinion are the bottom five worst Shadow adaptations, and give a detailed breakdown of why they were so lousy?

Oh christ, okay. I don't think you're gonna get as much of a detailed breakdown for these compared to some of the others, because I take more issue with adaptations that do have good qualities but also big or deep problems to talk about.

For example, I can't include Garth Ennis's Shadow in this list because the comic has a lot of strong points to it, despite a deeply, deeply detestable take on The Shadow's character, where as the rest of the Dynamite run doesn't reach neither the lows or highs of his run. Likewise, Andy Helfer's run has a couple or a couple dozen moments every issue that make me want to tear something to shreds in frustration, but it's also at many points a really good comic with great art and some occasionally very inspired writing. Really, I'd just be repeating myself talking about what I hate in those.

But, fine, let's list some of the others.

I think I'm just gonna have to get the elephant in the room out of the way here, and address that I won't be including Si Spurrier's 2017 Dynamite mini in this list, and I think at least some of you might be angry it's not Number 1 by default. I'm doing this because I intend to one day really revisit it, think about it and it's reception and what it was trying to do, and talk about it on it's own, now that it's been 5 years and everyone has moved on and we can maybe talk about it without kneejerk hatred driving everyone nuts (your mileage may vary on how warranted it was).

I'm also not going to be talking about James Patterson's new novel, because I haven't read it. It seems to be considered a forgettable potboiler by mainstream critics and a resounding failure by everyone who likes the character whether they've read the book or not, and frankly I don't have it in me to learn what the fuzz was about anytime soon, I got my hands way too full as is.

And I won't be including the Batman x Shadow crossovers here, because again, they do have a lot of virtues that put them far ahead of some of the really worst Shadow media, and I've talked enough about how badly I think they mangled The Shadow, which is really the big problem I have with them (well, that and Tim Sale blatantly copying a Michael Kaluta cover, that was really shitty). I don't really hate them anymore, I just get tired and frustrated thinking about parts of them, I said my piece as is. Really, my frustration over this comic is what inspired me to start writing about The Shadow here, so I guess in a way I do owe it at least that much.

5: Archie Comics's Shadow

I think some of you might be wondering why this isn't ranked higher, but to be honest, I don't actually harbor any hatred towards this. I mean, I have to include it, but I find it kinda silly that some people even today actually care about the existence of this comic enough to hate it.

For fans back then? Oh yeah, obviously, but this dropped to such instantaneous backlash that it never really got to live past 6 issues. Really, everything wrong about it can be understood immediately from the covers, and I've actually read the comic in it's entirety to see if there was anything worth taking. I found only a couple of things of note but, no, this really is just a painfully mediocre superhero comic that happens to have a couple of Shadow names in it. If anything, it gets too much credit.

The actual contents of what it is are never going to justify it's reputation, but the existence of it and the disproportionate response to it is the funniest and most enduring legacy it could ever ask for. This whole comic is The Shadow's version of Spongebob's embarassing Christmas photo.

4: David Liss's The Shadow Now

This is another "The Shadow as an immortal in modern times" comic and I think you may have noticed the pattern with those by now. I may revisit this eventually and I do have some moments from it saved for reference, but overall: It sucks, and it doesn't even suck in a way that lets me talk much about it, it's a diet version of Chaykin's Shadow. If Archie's Shadow is a generic mediocre superhero comic wearing The Shadow's name, this is a generic crime story playing beats from movie. The Shadow is an asshole and not even a grandiose or sinister one, he just feels like a sleazy douche in a costume. The art is a 50/50 coin toss between appropriately moody and "Google images with a filter on them", I don't remember anything about the plot other than Khan had a bomb again and he had a daughter, and there were new versions of the agents and the Harry stand-in turned evil and Lamont shacked up with Margo's descendant which, uh, no. I don't really hate this but I really have nothing nice to say about this comic other than Colton Worley's art is nice sometimes. I can't really muster anything else to say here.

3: Invisible Avenger

ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

ZZZZZZZZZZZZ

ZZZZZZZZZZ...

...uuh, wha-

Yeah, I remember nothing about this one other than it's painfully boring and nothing about it, nothing at all, works in the slightest and I drift off to sleep even now trying to give this a rewatch. To be honest pretty much every other Shadow serial not starred by Victor Jory sucks and I don't really have anything to say about them, this one is just the worst of the lot. I dearly wish there was a good Shadow tv series but, if it was going to be like this pilot? Good riddance.

2: Harlan Ellison's The New York Review of Bird

This isn't really a Shadow story as much as it's a Harlan Ellison story that happens to feature The Shadow, but man am I glad that Ellison's "Dragon Shadows" was canned, because holy shit what a goddamn nightmare Harlan Ellison writing The Shadow for real could have been, going purely by the one time he ever touched the character. New York Review of Bird is a purely farcical parody story that wears real, real thin even before "Uncle Kent" shows up, and we get to see in it what is by far the most detestable and irredeemable take on The Shadow ever put on print, and not even in a critique or deconstructive way or anything that could be remotely worth discussing.

I don't hold any particular affection for Harlan Ellison and his writing (despite liking some of it) and I've come to notice the major red flag that is finding someone who looks up to Harlan Ellison in any capacity as a person, and this story in particular really feels like Ellison aggressively trying to channel his jackass tendencies through every line, just him being nasty because he built a personal brand on being nasty. The only reason this isn't Number One is because it's a very short story that saw zero influence or reputation, and thus it only exists as a brief mention in The Shadow wiki, and a brief mention is all it really calls for.

1: Howard Chaykin's Blood & Judgment

I'm guessing most of you already knew this one was in the top spot before I started writing.

I would actually rather not write a big piece on Blood & Judgment, because I think (or at least I hope) it's influence on The Shadow has waned a lot over the years and I would prefer to draw it the least amount of attention possible, but if I HAVE to talk about this, I guess I'd rather just vomit this out of my circuits now instead of giving it it's own post.

I would prefer to use a less unpleasant image on my blog, but if I'm going to talk about this comic, there's no image to better convey it than this drawing of macho asshole Cranston holding a sexualized mannequin at gunpoint. By leaps and bounds, Blood & Judgment is the most misogynistic Shadow story I've ever read. It's ironic that Chaykin justified the rampant misogyny he gave The Shadow with the idea that this is just a man from the 30s would act like, when he admits in the same breath that he never even touched the stories, and he wrote a story more sexist and demeaning to it's female characters than anything, literally anything, written in the Shadow pulps. It's almost impressive even.

I'll paste some segments from Randy Raynaldo's review

In Flagg, he intended to present his own point of view on American society while keeping his work tongue in cheek and acessible. But this vision dimmed, and Flagg had become a vehicle by which Chaykin could play out fetishes and portray gratuitous and stylish violence.

In The Shadow, stripped of the political and social veneer which was supposed to make Flagg unique, Chaykin's sensibilities and excesses become disturbingly apparent. For all of his liberal posturing, Chaykin's work demonstrates zero difference from the same kind of mentality exploited and made popular by similarly violent popular culture icons like Dirty Harry and Death Wish.

More than half a dozen individuals are indiscriminately and violently murdered in the first issue. Although the victims are characters who played major roles in the myth of The Shadow, we feel little sympathy for them, even for those of us who knew these characters at the outset. Who dies is unimportant, it's how they die that is the fascination.

Chaykin uses sexual decadence as a means by which to establish villains, and undercuts this device by making the protagonists as promiscuous as the villains. For all of Chaykin's seemingly liberal leanings, he demonstrates very little sensitivity in his portrayal of women.

Because everything works on rules of three, this comic also follows the pattern with other works mentioned here, as this isn't Howard Chaykin writing The Shadow: it's The Shadow reimagined as a Howard Chaykin character. He looks and acts exactly like Reuben Flagg and the typical macho protagonist of Chaykin's other works, he's a cynical sleaze with an entirely new origin who half-assedly dons a garb to machine gun people, and I already wrote a separate piece on why the machineguns are kind of emblematic of everything wrong with this take.

I understand that Chaykin has, or used to have, a big following of sorts, and I've tried to wrap my head around this for years, but I genuinely still don't get why Shadow fans stomach this comic unless they happen to be Chaykin fans first and foremost, I really don't. Everything, fucking everything Shadow fans hate about modern depictions of the character can be traced right back to this. The parts that stuck and changed the character for the worse, like him being defined as an immortal, bloodthirsty warmonger who got all his skills and powers from a magic city in Tibet, or Lamont Cranston being a coward who fears and hates the Shadow, or his agents being expendable slaves, stuff that has been ingrained into the mythos through this and the Alec Baldwin movie and other comics, to the point that people now think of it as the norm, that it's the baseline of what The Shadow is, and I hate it, I genuinely fucking hate it,

I hate it so much that it's a big part of the reason why I created this blog and why I want so badly to get to write The Shadow, because I plainly couldn't stand not having ways to tell people that this is all wrong, that this is actively shooting down the character's odds for success, and that they are missing out on something really great, because the well has been tainted with garbage that won't go away and everytime I read the words Shambala in a Shadow comic, even an otherwise good or great one, I get just a wee bit cross.

The only semi-redeeming aspects I can think of for this comic is one or two cool moments, like when The Shadow hijacks a concert using his Devil's Whisper or when he tames dogs with a stare. Just breadcrumbs of "not garbage" amidst an ocean of anything but. I hate that talking about why I hate this comic in-length can almost feel like I'm still enticing people to check it out of curiosity, but if you wanna do that, fine, just know this: The worst part of Blood & Judgment, even if you don't care at all about what it did to The Shadow, is that it's boring.

It is a deeply boring comic. If you like Howard Chaykin to begin with, you'll probably like this okay (although even Chaykin fans told me that this is his weakest work and that even he seems to agree). If you don't, I plain don't see what you could get out of this.

The comic itself is just nothing. It's the comic book equivalent of a pre-schooler trying to get a reaction by swearing. It has nothing whatsoever other than half-assed attempts at shock value. The plot isn't there, the ideas are stale, the dialogue is needlessly oblique and comprised entirely of unfinished sentences, interrupted conversations and one-liners without build-up. The characters are all unlikable and uninteresting stooges with no personality, or joyless cartoons. There's no heart or emotion or logic, and it isn't even funny enough to succeed as just an outrageous exercise in 80s excess. There's nothing in here.

I get "why" it was popular enough at the time, a rising star creator penning a modern revival of an old character based on controversy that pissed off the old fans, it's an old story that still gets repeated today. But manufactured controversy is not a replacement for storytelling and it rarely ever exists to benefit the people who actually want to enjoy the stories, it only benefits those for the crude benefit of those who want to sell you something out of the controversy.

I guess they got their money's worth back then.

------------------------------------------------

Phew, okay, I did it, I finally vomited out a piece on Blood & Judgment and some others, allright, let's put this piece of negativity behind us now.

#replies tag #the shadow #pulp heroes #shadow comics #shadow films #dc comics

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ayuuria · 4 years

Text

Yashahime Translation: Livedoor News Interview

Please do not repost this translation without my consent! This includes screenshots of any type and amount. If you wish to share this translation, simply link to this post.

For more information regarding the use of my translations, click here.

The New Story That Continues the World of Inuyasha, Anime “Hanyō no Yashahime” Director x Producer Interview

With the Resolve to Reopen the Concluded “Inuyasha” World in Their Hearts. The Behind-the-Scenes Production of “Hanyō no Yashahime”

For 12 years from 1996-2008, “Inuyasha” (original creator: Takahashi Rumiko) which was serialized in “Weekly Shōnen Sunday” (Shogakukan) was a feudal fairy tale that depicted the heart of the battle between demons, humans, and half-demons for the Shikon Jewel.

Anime “Inuyasha” broadcasted from 2000-2004 followed “Inuyasha the Final Act” from 2009-2010, after the original work was concluded. It is a timeless masterpiece that is now loved around the world.

Continuing that world of “Inuyasha” is the new original anime, “Hanyō no Yashahime”, which began broadcast in October of 2020. Many Inuyasha fans were surprised at the shocking set up that the daughters of Sesshōmaru, a popular character in “Inuyasha”, would be the protagonists.

With everything from the production, background music, and cast performance having an Inuyasha flavor mixed in, being moved from seeing the new characters and the “Inuyasha” characters coming together on the TV screen, to the absolutely unclear mysterious developments, the hearts of fans around world have been grabbed once again.

Since broadcast began, despite having completed one cour (translator’s note: Cour = 3 months or 13 weeks/episodes), the full picture of the story still cannot be seen. We carried out an interview conversation with director Satō Teruo and producer Naka Toshikazu regarding the things of interest about the work up until now and ahead.

We Prepared a Device That Would Allow Inuyasha Fans to Enjoy (the show)

— One cour has passed since broadcast began. Are the responses reaching you?

Naka: The response is incredible. Especially on social media.

Satō: You’re right. I’m also on Twitter, so I get reactions from all over the world. I truly get a sense that it’s work that’s receiving a lot of attention.

When I look at comments on the official (Twitter) account, most of them are from overseas. Not only do I once again realize that “Inuyasha” boasts a worldwide popularity, I do my best while feeling the pressure of “Hanyō no Yashahime” being a work that inherits that world.

— Apparently the one who suggested the project was Suwa Michihiko of ytv Nextry, who was the producer for anime “Inuyasha” and “Detective Conan”. How did you two feel when you first heard about the project?

Naka: “We’re going to do a story that’s been neatly concluded once before again!? How!?” is what I felt at the beginning.

From the moment I first heard about it, I was still floating around what kind of story it would be. “I might make it a story about Sesshōmaru’s daughter.” was as far as I had gotten. I thought “If I’m not mistaken, if we make it like that, then there might be something to do”.

Satō: There were talks of “wanting to do it” for 2-3 years and Rumiko-sensei, Suwa-san, and the “Inuyasha” staff had mulled over the idea.

It’s just that not only was the story of “Inuyasha” itself was very neatly concluded, after “Since Then” (the special edition (chapter) depicting the after story) we had Rumiko-sensei tell us “There’s nothing left to do in “Inuyasha””.

There was a rather heavy responsibility in touching that and as an Inuyasha fan myself, it made me really think about “In order to create a new story out of a work that was neatly concluded, what sort of form does it need to take?”

I think Inuyasha fans would watch, so I felt that I wanted to release something that everyone would agree to as much as possible without breaking their (idea of) “Inuyasha”.

— In terms of the target audience for “Hanyō no Yashahime”, do you consider Inuyasha fans the main target? Or do you focus on the new audience that does not know “Inuyasha”?

Naka: For us, we want people to like the new characters so in that sense, we keep in mind the new people.

It’s just that a lot of time has passed since “Inuyasha” was broadcasted and I think among the people who watched “Inuyasha” back in the day are people who have become parents. I think watching it as two generations, parent and child (Mom and Dad who liked “Inuyasha” and the children who are touching it as a new work), is the most ideal.

Satō: The voice actresses who voice the three princesses (Towa, Setsuna, and Moroha), are from a generation that watched “Inuyasha” right when they were kids. They chit-chat while recording every week (laughs).

It would be great if the new target group could go back and watch “Inuyasha” because of “Hanyō no Yashahime” and think “There are demons that appeared in “Hanyō no Yashahime” too”. On the reverse side, I would like those who watched “Inuyasha” to enjoy “Hanyō no Yashahime” from the point of view of “It’s the demon from that time”.

For that reason, we inlayed different devices and components into the story.

Naka: We periodically put in devises that would make people who like Rumiko-sensei’s other works smile a little bit. Like the hoodlums who appeared in episode 2 or the monkey gag in episode 9.

— In other words, while still keeping in mind those who don’t know “Inuyasha”, you are of course creating a work that Inuyasha fans can enjoy as well.

Satō: Making sure we don’t destroy the image of “Inuyasha” characters is at the forefront of our minds, especially when we bring them out into the “Hanyō no Yashahime” world. This is so that people watching don’t think “That’s not the kind of character they were”.

Of course, when we bring them out, we always have Rumiko-sensei review the scenario. She’ll tell us “It should be fine if it’s like this” and apply that to the scenario which is how we’ve been doing it.

Naka: We’re careful so that when “Inuyasha” characters take the mound, they don’t eat into the spotlight of the new characters while also not losing their “status”.

— Among the fans, the way the broadcasting order of “Hanyō no Yashahime” to “Great Detective Conan” is similar to “Inuyasha” to “Conan” became a popular topic of conversation. Was that formation something Yomiuri TV-san was particular about?

Satō: The order is the same as when it was broadcasted during the golden hour of 19:00-20:00 (7-8pm on the 12-hour clock). We’re grateful that they’re nostalgic about it.

Naka: I don’t know if they were particular about it or not, but it was decided from the start that it would be broadcasted during that timeframe (before “Conan”). It’s possible that it just turned out that way, but from the production side, it felt “just like before” in the end.

Satō: It’s like (Yamaguchi) Kappei-san (role of Inuyasha and also Edogawa Conan/Phantom Theif Kid in “Great Detective Conan”) has 2 consecutive appearances (laughs).

Naka: Not only is the connection between the timeframe the same, but also when we heard that SixTONES would be doing the opening for the October cour, we thought the flow looked the same as “Inuyasha” since it would be a group from Jonny & Associates that would be singing (Editor’s note: In the past, V6 and Tackey & Tsubasa were in charge of the theme song for “Inuyasha”).

In the end, we’re also curious as to how the structure is the same as during “Inuyasha”.

A Character Cannot Come to Life Without Working Out the Fundamental Aspects

— Next, we will ask how story the of “Hanyō no Yashahime” was created. We just heard from Naka-san that “When I first heard about it “I might make it a story about Sesshōmaru’s daughter.” was how far I had gotten”, but were there any different ideas regarding the direction after that?

[Characters bios written following the question but I’m skipping it]

Naka: We proceeded with that intention as is.

It’s just that even if it’s a daughter, we couldn’t quite settle whether the daughter would be twins or an only child. We couldn’t decide until right on the line of “If we don’t decide what sort personality the character will have at this stage, we may have to relook things including the broadcast timing” (laughs).

Satō: We pretty much decided after directly talking to Rumiko-sensei.

— What did Rumiko-sensei tell you?

Naka: Regarding the character persona, she pointed out things such as “With only the setting, you don’t know why they speak that way” and “Why they dress like this doesn’t feel right to me”.

Especially with Towa, it took a long time for Rumiko-sensei to understand and agree to the part where “She dresses like a boy because she’s this kind of persona”. That’s where we struggled the most.

Satō: For Rumiko-sensei, apparently, she understood Setsuna and Moroha straight down like “So this is the kind of child she is”.

However, only with Towa did she say, “If you don’t clearly boil down and solidify how she will grow and what sort of foundation she’ll have, the story development will become blurred wouldn’t it”.

With that point, it was a lot of work deciding Towa’s character.

Naka: Not just the settings, but we had Sumisawa Katsuyuki-san (in charge of series composition for “Inuyasha” and now this work as well) vigorously write the scripts for episodes 1 and 2 and show Rumiko-sensei “With this story flow, Towa will respond like this” and “We’ll use this language”.

With that, we put things in order in a “But, we probably don’t need this kind of language after all, right?” kind of way.

— It was explained in the story that Towa dresses like a boy because “It’s easier to fight in”, but is that one of the settings that was solidified like that?

Naka: Yes. The result of coming up with different reasons and many ideas was that we ended up settling on a conversely simple reason.

Satō: Rumiko-sensei casually said “Isn’t “it’s easier to fight in” good enough?” (laughs). We were turning up a lot of different rationalizations. (translator’s note: Not confident on this sentence) For example, “As a girl, there was something she didn’t like”.

But it also became “I don’t think that’s true” …… It made us realize it was fine to have something simple and straightforward.

— So Rumiko-sensei was involved with the character persona starting from the foundation.

Satō: I learned a lot from speaking with Rumiko-sensei as I was creating the characters. Rumiko-sensei’s way of thinking is very logical and upfront. For example, “Because (she’s) this kind of child, (she) behaves like this” or “(She) Won’t say something like this”.

That’s why, people who view the work will see their foundation. In my head, I knew “If you don’t work out the fundamental aspects, the character won’t come to life” but I came to realize that once again.

In the anime, there were many people who put out ideas starting with Sumisawa-san, but I thought it must be a lot of work for Rumiko-sensei to create a manga while consulting with the editors.

We’re Mindful of the Composition that “Towa Sets the Story in Motion”

— With the characters solidified, did you receive any orders from Sumisawa-san as you planned the story?

Naka: With “Hanyō no Yashahime”, it started with Sumisawa-san first writing the scenario that would become the first manuscript.

In that regard, we discussed with him things such as “Keeping in mind of the development ahead, please pay attention to this part” or “Please put this device in”.

More precisely, there was a lot of discussion about Moroha’s position at the beginning. There was the fact that Moroha was the easiest character to move, but we wanted him to keep in mind as much as possible that she (Moroha) should show her concern for Towa and Setsuna in a way that ensures they’re at the forefront.

Satō: To the writer, Moroha is like a “Mini Inuyasha”. Hence there was a tendency to naturally center the story around her.

However, Sesshōmaru’s daughters, Towa and Setsuna, are the protagonists this time so we wanted (the writer) to keep that in mind.

Because Moroha is easy to understand with her character and Setsuna is a female version of Sesshōmaru, when their vectors become conspicuous, Towa appears overshadowed no matter what. “The protagonist getting overshadowed by those around them troupe.” is something that happens in original works.

That’s why we’re conscious of the composition of bringing Towa into the center and using her to move the story whenever possible. That’s the part we especially placed importance on when putting together the story.

— Next, please tell us the appeals of the three protagonists. Starting from Towa please.

Naka: Regarding Towa, she inherited Sesshōmaru’s silver hair, has a boyish outfit, and has an outward appearance that would make girls think she’s attractive.

However, her values are surprisingly modern, and she has a naiveness about her which Setsuna calls out within the story. I don’t think there have been many characters who have been balanced like this thus far.

Although, at the current phase, there’s a point that what the goal behind her actions is might still be a little weak.

Satō: Just as Naka-san said, Towa has a half-hearted kindness and naiveté; how that will change as she travels with Setsuna and Moroha. Please look forward to that growth as you watch the story.

I think there are people who get impatient seeing Towa’s current indecisiveness (laughs).

What will that kind of protagonist experience and how will her feelings change from that. It will make me happy if people think “Towa’s changed; she’s matured” at the end.

Naka: I think having lots of room for growth is what gives her that protagonist feel. Conversely, Setsuna is a relatively standard character. However, on the one hand, she does have a kind side.

Satō: She does show a little affection after all (laughs)

Earlier I said “a female version of Sesshōmaru” so I think her nonchalant kindness is the same as his. The vector of her character direction is easy to understand which is her appeal.

— It seems Setsuna coldly pushes Towa away, but also shows concern for her. Despite saying, “The curse of the Dream Butterfly doesn’t need to be broken”, she goes along with Towa’s search for the Dream Butterfly.

Satō: Just as the line “I can’t readily accept that” in episode 3 said, Setsuna cannot accept Towa as her sister.

However, I believe she understands Towa’s virtues as an individual. We would like everyone to pay attention to how Setsuna draws the line of “I can understand Towa’s good qualities, but I can’t acknowledge her as an older sister” and the point at which that line is crossed.

Will the day ever come where Setsuna will address Towa as “Towa nee-chan” ……

— It feels as though the distance between them is getting shorter, like when she almost went along with Towa’s high-five in episode 11.

Satō: Little by little. Within that, we would like for you to please look forward to how their feelings intersect when the time comes.

Naka: In that episode, it looks as though she gets along with Towa, but when Towa tried to lay her head on her lap, she didn’t allow it. I was watching with great interest like “So that’s where she draws the line” (laughs).

— Next, Moroha.

Naka: Moroha is pretty much just what you see (laughs)

Satō: She’s a hybrid of Inuyasha and Kagome. If her theatrical elocution is like Inuyasha’s, then her actions are understandable like Kagome’s.

In that sense, I think she’s a character that viewers can easily connect with. There’s also the fact that currently, all the gag lines are relatively being placed on Moroha (laughs).

Naka: In earlier episodes, her level of participation was high but lately she’s been in charge of punch lines (laughs). For example, when they didn’t take her to the battle in episode 10 or when she got caught up in Setsuna’s attack in episode 11.

Earlier, we discussed how “We were careful not center too much around Moroha” but it put us at a disadvantage as a result and I feel a little bad (laughs). However, Moroha will be taking charge in episode 16 next week (1/23/21) so please look forward to that.

Satō: Not only will Moroha play a very active role, but it is also an important episode that depicts the environment that she grew up in. Why she has to collect bounties and what kind of relationship she has with Jyūbee will be touched upon. If you watch that, I think you’ll come to understand her actions up until now like “So that’s why she was doing things like that”.

From a composition standpoint, episode 15 revealed Towa and Setsuna’s past, episode 16 will reveal Moroha’s backbone, and furthermore, the story of Setsuna’s childhood will come hereafter. If you watch that far, the full story of this will work will become clear for the most part.

The first cour was a period of planting seeds, but now going forward, the composition is set up so that the fruit of the tree will ripen and fall, so please continue to look forward to it.

The Casting of Miroku Was Entrusted to the Sound Director for “Inuyasha”

— Next, please tell us about the casting. On what points did you decide the cast group?

Satō: It was fundamentally decided through auditions. If we don’t progress the script to some extent, sound director Nagura Yasushi-san can’t determine the direction of the roles, so when the script amount had accumulated, we gathered up people who could picture the characters and carried out the auditions from there.

It was right about the time when the COVID crisis was escalating, so we worried if we could really start broadcasting in October.

Naka: The balance between the three was the deciding factor. After we narrowed it down from a number candidates, we took a “If this person did this character, then the balance would probably become like this” kind of view and decided from there.

Satō: There’s going to be a lot of dialogue between the three of them not matter what, so in order to avoid having similar voice tones and similar ways of speaking, we created the characters based on that assumption.

Towa’s thought process and actions are modern and Moroha acts on her emotions. Conversely, Setsuna is always calm and collected like Sesshōmaru and makes decisions after observing the entirety of the situation. Then she’ll look for the best solution and take action.

Because each of the characters has that kind of nature, we ordered Nagura-san to look for a balance that enables you to easily tell the three of them apart when they’re conversing.

– Did you not look at it from a standpoint that the voices should or should not sound similar to those of the parent generation like Sesshōmaru, Inuyasha, or Kagome?

Naka: That is a point that we were not at all concerned about. We proceeded with a viewpoint that the person should match the outward appearance, the actions within the story, and the nature of the character.

When balancing the three of them, balancing the twins seemed difficult, so from there we decided on Moroha first as her position takes a step back. We decided on Towa and Setsuna at the end after looking at the balance between them and considering Moroha for a second time.

— What were the key points in selecting the cast outside the three girls?

Naka: We left it up to Nagura-san. There were times when he asked for our review and opinions.

For example, there was an idea for Riku (CV: Fukuyama Jun) to have a more feminine voice. But when we spoke to director Satō, he said “A masculine image”, so we went with that direction.

— The Miroku that Yasumura Makoto-san, who replaced the late Tsujitani Kōji-san, played was a hot topic but did Nagura-san decide on that casting as well?

Satō: Regarding Yasumura-san, we asked Tsuruoka Yota, who was the sound director for “Inuyasha”, to decide. We thought that fit more under the category of “Inuyasha” rather than “Hanyō no Yashahime”.

Of course, I’m sure the viewers knew (the voice) was going to change, but we received a lot of feedback saying “It’s Miroku-sama!” and “It doesn’t feel out of place at all!” when episode 1 was broadcasted.

I was in Tsujitani-san’s care many times as a sound director prior to him playing Miroku. I was still a newbie producer back then but even when I met him after that at the “Inuyasha” set, he spoke to me like “Hello~”

I was producing while my heart was pounding hard. During testing, when I was panicking because I couldn’t match up the lip-syncing, he reached out to me like “We’ll do the syncing so it’s fine”. The figure of him reaching out to me so nicely is strong in my memory.

It was such a shame that he died so young. However, this time Yasumura-san, who was also his junior at the same agency, is working hard as his successor, and I think he was casted well.

Naka: Director Satō, you said “The air around Yasumura-san is completely different now compared to when I worked with him in other works”.

Satō: In episode 1, it seems he was really nervous having to record with the cast of “Inuyasha” who are high level seniors.

He was relaxed to some extent in episode 13 which was Miroku’s episode. He said to me “I’m sorry about before when I was extremely nervous” (laughs).

Creating Scenes in A Way That’s Distinct from the Popular (Methods)

— In order to make viewers feel that this is a work that inherits the world of “Inuyasha”, do you do any devising on the production side?

Satō: I would say scene creation. We don’t really get onboard with the popular trends. We split the cuts and show things the way they did in “Inuyasha” in order to smoothly give it that “Inuyasha” feel. I think it’s distinct from what’s popular nowadays.

This might be weird way of saying it, but it’s like we’re using an old-fashioned way of creating. By purposely doing things in a “Works from about 10 years ago felt like this” sort of way, it brings out that “Inuyasha” feel.

For other parts, Sumisawa-san directs the theatrical elocution and we have the same sound team from “Inuyasha” working, so no particular explanation is needed. In that aspect, they’re making it a lot easier for me (laughs).

For me, “Inuyasha” was the first work I did as a freelance producer. Not only was it a work that taught me the fundamentals of producing, but I also learned (how to make) storyboards from “Inuyasha”. In that sense, it’s a very memorable work.

— At the beginning, you said you “Put in devices that connect to “Inuyasha””, but between episode 9-12, demons that appeared in “Inuyasha” were continuously making appearances and it became a topic of discussion.

Naka: That section was the “devoured by Mōryōmaru” series. We had to speed through things in “Inuyasha the Final Act”, so I brought out those demons thinking “If we could just use the demons that we couldn’t properly show back then, even just a little”.

Satō: After fall for Meiōjū, we only had the scene of Mōryōmaru taking the armored shell (laughs)

Naka: We explain that “The demon that appeared this time is actually in “Inuyasha”” on the official Twitter account. It would be wonderful if there are people who take an interest in “Inuyasha” after watching “Hanyō no Yashahime”.

Satō: I think there’s also a wonderful world laid out in that work, so we would certainly love for you to watch “Inuyasha” while enjoying “Hanyō no Yashahime”.

Picking Out Noteworthy Episodes and Explaining Them!

— From here, we will have you look back on episodes that have already aired. We have picked out a number of impressionable episodes, so please tell us some secret (behind the) production stories, memorable recordings, and scenes that left a lasting impression on you.

Episode 1: Inuyasha Since Then

Satō: It was like a “class reunion” (laughs). Although, we couldn’t have everyone record together due to the COVID crisis.

We had everyone take turns recording but they were all was greeting each other like “Oh my god~!” as they passed by one another. Likewise, it was a teamwork that went without saying.

Jaken (played by Chō-san) was adlibbing a lot and that situation made me really think “This is “Inuyasha””.

The first episode was mainly “Inuyasha” basically, but at the very beginning and end, we had the story connect to episode 7 of “Hanyō no Yashahime”. In that sense, the episode was pretty much full “Inuyasha”.

Naka: While we had director Satō do the storyboard and production, I saw the storyboard and felt “Ah, it’s “Inuyasha”. It will be okay”. Like feeling relieved (laughs)

Satō: When 10 years goes by, the producers from back then aren’t around anymore. The people I worked with are now at the director level. Explaining something like the rules of “Inuyasha” from square one to the new people is a hassle, so I was like “I’ll do this myself” (laughs).

The surprising thing is, we had the same group of people from 20 year ago with chief animation director Hishinuma Yoshihito (in charge of character design in “Inuyasha”. In this work, he oversees animation character design) and the animators from back then. It felt as though “Ah, nothing’s changed”.

I remember working while saying “Back then, I never thought we would do something like this 20 years later”.

Episode 2: The Three Princesses

Satō: You could say this episode was episode 1 for “Hanyō no Yashahime”.

Due to the COVID crisis, we couldn’t have the three princesses record together and it made me realize how important it was for everyone to record together. Even though it’s a conversation, when you have one person record first and the other person responding while listening (the recording), it changes the mood and rhythm.

Nagura-san tried to match up schedules so that the three princesses could record together as much as possible, but in the end, we couldn’t record with everyone. In a sense, episode 2 was very memorable to me in that it left the impression of “So we’re going to have to record like this from now on”.

I think all the works that started airing in the fall were in the same situation, not just “Hanyō no Yashahime”. Since we were recording in chunks, it became necessary to pay even more attention than before to ensure that we didn’t forget to record anything.

I’m grateful to everyone involved that we somehow managed to air every week, despite these difficult times.

Naka: The first demon that appears in episode 2, is a point where we kept “Inuyasha” in mind as we pulled Mistress Three Eyes from Mistress Centipede.

I think it was an episode where we appealed that “We’re aware of the “Rumik World”” by putting in the hoodlums mentioned earlier and Towa’s gag face.

Even though the original “Inuyasha” leaned a little more to the serious side, I think Rumiko-sensei’s taste of allowing a little bit of leeway while not shaking off just that (aspect) is there.

This time as well, including the broadcast time, there were views from inside stating that they didn’t want to make (the episode) too serious. However, director Satō had already added that kind of relaxedness even before that was directly said. He splendidly created that balance that wasn’t too serious.

Episode 7: The Apple Meeting

Satō: Riku, who appears in episode 7, is a character we aimed to have revitalize the story by plopping in a new character just when the story was about to get stuck in a rut. Rumiko-sensei also uses this technique; for example, Kōga and Mugen no Byakuya in “Inuyasha”.

I spoke with Sumisawa-san at the beginning, expressing my desire to introduce a new character to revitalize the story before viewers could start thinking “We’re going to just keep watching this journey?” as they watch the three princesses progress on their journey. He’s a keyman who stirs up the story.

Plus, the three Yashahimes are girls, so there was also the idea of having a romantic component like with Inuyasha, Kagome, and Kikyō. Although he ended up having the feel of a pick-up artist as a result of trying to add that component in (laughs).

Naka: Episode 7 is an episode that connects to episode 1. We intended to put in the device of connecting episode 1 to another episode when we organized it, but after watching episode 7 I thought “It connected pretty well”.

I think it was nicely organized as it turned into a spoiler episode where you found out why Towa was there and what Setsuna and Moroha were doing while Yotsume was telling the old tale.

Satō: Going forward, Riku will gradually involve himself with Towa, and we wanted to show why that is over a number of episodes.

I think you’ll understand to some extent in episode 15, but he’s a character that you don’t know which side he swings to (friend or foe?), so he’s a character to look forward to in that sense.

Episode 13: The Delicious Feudal Monk

Satō: It was a parent child episode with Miroku and Hisui (CV: Urao Takehiro) that we added with the desire to develop Hisui. He is the son of Miroku and Sango (CV: Kuwashima Houko) and I think everyone was wondering what Miroku was currently doing, so we thought it would be nice to introduce what Miroku was up to here and depict the parent-child relationship.

Naka: It’s an episode where Hisui finally plays an active role. It was a feeling of sorry to have completely kept you waiting in the first cour. I am glad we were able to give him an active role to some extent. Moroha ended up going somewhere else though (laughs)

Finally, Setsuna stole the show at the end when her true power was released. I think it brings out Miroku and other “Inuyasha” characters in a good manner while still having highlights for “Hanyō no Yashahime”.

Episode 14: The Mastermind Who Burned the Forest

Satō: This is the episode where the truth behind the fire that attacked young Towa and Setsuna is revealed. It’s a real binding episode you could say, and I think it’s a story that could be put in a modern setting.

Also, from this story, the distance between Towa and Setsuna that we talked about earlier will somewhat destroy a line, I think. There’s Towa who shows her anger towards Homura, the one who tore them (the twins) apart, and Setsuna who has some thoughts from seeing that.

If you can feel that, I think how you view episode 15 will change.

Naka: I thought Towa’s comparison to a smartphone at the beginning was a little off as she doesn’t understand the concept of jealousy (laughs).

Also, something that I thought was strange after rewatching episode 14 was how the gardener and the cook were fine with working in such a dangerous place (laughs). I thought it was amazing even though they’re just regular humans.

Demons and humans unexpectedly coexist in this world. In a sense, you could say it’s very open-minded for a demon. Demons were depicted in all sorts of places in “Inuyasha” too, so it was an episode that made me realize once again that it’s this kind of world.

Episode 15: Lunar Eclipse, The Sorrowful Parting of Fate

Satō: Why did Towa and Setsuna have to grow up separated (from their parents) when they were young? This is the episode that answers that and depicts the continuation of the brief flashback in episode 8.

Why Sesshōmaru and Kirinmaru confronted Inuyasha and Kagome becomes clear. With this, I think you can start to understand Sesshōmaru’s actions.

Naka: This episode was a little different. To begin with, we thought that patrons would be happy to see Inuyasha and the others at the end of the first cour, so we organized it so that the past would be discussed at this timing.

It’s just that it felt completely independent from the main story and Riku just suddenly narrates it, so I’m sure viewers were surprised. Riku was in there as like the navigator.

The three Yashahimes don’t particularly know this, and this episode was purely for the viewers. It would be great if everyone looks forward to what’s to come while keeping this in mind.

— Thank you very much. Lastly, please give a message to our readers who are looking forward to what’s coming up ahead.

Naka: Cour 1 has just ended and we have entered cour 2, so from here on you will learn the things that you wanted to know. Please see for yourself how Towa, Setsuna, and Moroha will grow as you look forward to the mysteries being unraveled.

Satō: After episode 15, “what each character must do” will continuously become clear, and it will become a story that pursues that. On top of that, it would make me really happy if you could enjoy watching what will happen to the three (girls).

#yashahime #hanyou no yashahime #yashahime: princess half demon #translation

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knchins · 4 years

Text

Sex Tapes - Todoroki Shouto

Summary: Billionaire playboy Todoroki Shouto has a secret collection of personal sex tapes and tonight he plans on adding to his stash.

Pairing: Celebrity!Shouto x Idol!Reader

Rating: E+

Word Count: 4k

Bingo Prompt: Sex Tapes

Warnings: Vaginal sex, hair pulling, unprotected sex, hidden cameras, filming without permission, mild dirty talk, pull-out method

Notes: I was supposed to finish this last Saturday but life just has to get in the way sometimes. Well, here it is and I hope it was worth the wait. This was for @bnhabookclub NSFW weekly prompt "celebrity x celebrity". In this reader is a rising idol star that had just gotten her big break while Shouto is a young billionaire. I hope he's not too OOC! I may make this into a short series but haven’t decided.

Todoroki Shouto adjusted his Windsor knot while looking at his reflection in the mirror. In just half an hour he’d be making his grand entrance at one of Japan’s largest charity balls that beckoned only the most famous of the country to attend. It was always considered one of the highest honors to be invited, a decree of one's success during the previous year.

This was his sixth one, having become Japan’s youngest billionaire at the age of eighteen through risky business decisions and investments that all paid off in the end. Being a man of money and status had its perks. Women fell at his feet, he always got the best service in restaurants, and he could afford anything in the entire world that his mother may dream of having. Not that she ever asked for much, but he spoiled her all the same.

A smirk pulled across his lips as he looked over his reflection. He never went home empty handed after one of these things. Young celebrities wanted nothing more than to climb the social ladder by riding his dick. He thought that his taste was impeccable when it came to...well, everything. Dates, food, cars, houses, he only wanted the best of the best and he was sure to get it.

Every year Shouto had a tradition that none of his late night partners knew about. Hidden in the lavish bedroom in his penthouse were three small cameras and one well placed microphone. He quite enjoyed the secret tape collection he had. They were ordered by year and last name in a locked down file folder on his computer. Hard copies were kept in a secret safe. You never knew when you needed to cause a good scandal to take the eyes off of something that was maybe more sinister.

He checked his ruby and diamond watch, the bejeweled face matching his iconic two-toned hair. Right on time, he mused as he checked himself over one last time before departing for the penthouse’s elevator. He made it down to the valet where a white limo had been waiting for him.

The driver opened the door as Shouto said nothing. He entered, not even bothering to marvel at the red interior. The first few times he had ridden in his custom limo, it had amazed him at how well the designers were able to make his wishes come to life. Now it just seemed all the same to him. If you’ve ridden in one, you’ve ridden in them all. Painting it a different color only made it interesting for a short amount of time.

When he arrived, there was a sea of expensive cars and limousines as far as he could see. He was silently thankful that large crowds like this didn’t bother him. While being with a big group of people wasn’t what he preferred, it also didn’t give him any kind of negative feeling such as anxiety or nervousness. It probably helped that he was great at working a room no matter how many were inside of it.

The valet opened the door for him and he stepped out onto the long red carpet. Cameras were flashing as paparazzi stormed the limo, wanting to get a glimpse of his sharp white tux with bright red accents. His hair in perfect placement, having just gotten his undercut touched up that morning just for the event. He gave the cameras a sinful smirk that had all of the ladies sighing dreamily. If he were into small fry then maybe he’d take a few home and make them into stars. But no, he was after a much bigger fish tonight.

He took his time walking to the building, enjoying the attention from the photographers and journalists. He entertained a few by doing some quick interviews about the event and his outfit. He praised his designers and stylists that worked hard to make him look the best, and that was probably the only honest thing he said to them.

After nearly an hour, he ascended the stone staircase into the science museum where the ball was held. More people had arrived by this point and the place was filling nicely. He figured he was almost to capacity by the time he finally went inside.

His mismatched eyes ran over the crowd, looking for one guest in particular. He knew from her social media that she would be here tonight and he was more than eager to start baiting her to get her to go home with him. He didn’t think it would be particularly difficult. It never was for him.

Shouto’s gaze fell onto a beautiful young woman dressed in a tight dark blue dress with a long slit up the left side, exposing a fair amount of leg. He grabbed two glasses of champagne as he strode towards her at an even pace, not wanting to risk showing any sort of excitement.

“Miss Y/L/N, how nice to finally meet you in person.” He said to the idol star in front of him. Her cheeks dusted pink in a light blush as she took one of the glasses from him. Everyone who was anyone knew who Todoroki Shouto was.

She had just recently broken into the scene of stardom, having formerly been a member of a popular idol group. She started her solo career about a year ago and was finally a big name all on her own. The attention from other powerful people was still relatively new to her, her inexperience served as a kind of amusement for Shouto. If she really wanted to be a star, then he’d make her a star.

“Mr. Todoroki, it’s nice to meet you.” She said, trying to hide her nerves. If she somehow spurned the young billionaire then she could ruin her own career. The mere thought had her walking on eggshells.

He gave her one of his famous, dazzling smiles. “Please, call me Shouto. Mr. Todoroki is my father.” He teased and she chuckled lightly at the joke that admittedly wasn’t very original. “You look very lovely tonight, perhaps you’d like to dance with me later?”

She looked up at him, blinking slowly as she processed the request. An excited smile crossed her soft lips, “I would love to Mr-” She stopped, “Shouto. Perhaps after I finish my drink?”

Shouto nodded, sipping at his glass. They continued to make small talk, mostly about business and her rise to fame. When she asked him about his personal life he deflected, turning the conversation back to her. She didn’t seem to notice that he was doing this, which worked out better for him.

As the night went on, he noticed her face flushing more and more, giggles spilling from her any time he teased her. They danced, ate hors d'oeuvres , and drank more of the bubbly alcohol than either of them probably should have. Shouto found himself becoming increasingly handsy as the time passed, first her upper back, then down to the gentle curve of her spine, her hips, and finally as they were slowly dancing he chanced to grab a handful of her ass.

The idol star leaned into his toned chest, resting her head on his shoulder so that her breath fanned against his neck. She didn’t protest his touch, sighing softly instead of pulling away. The champagne had put her nerves around him at ease, and by now she was feeling as if she’d known him for years. In a way she had, always reading about him in magazines and seeing him on TV talking about his latest business ventures. He always found a way to stay in the spotlight.

“Would you like to see how the rich live?” He asked, keeping his tone light in a way to show her that there was no pressure if she didn’t feel comfortable. Despite being such a playboy, Shouto never forced a woman to come home with him. That included heavy persuasion to get them into his bed. He had too much respect for the opposite sex to coerce them into doing anything they didn’t want to do.

She looked up at him, blinking in time with the downbeat of the music playing. “Your place?” She asked, not bothering to be coy about it. She just wanted clarification for what he was asking of her before she agreed to anything.

He simply nodded his head, a few red hairs daring to dip in front of his eyes. She reached up and brushed them back into place without much thought, “I’d love to.” She responded, suddenly feeling breathless by how close they were. Typically she didn’t do things like this, however they had such a profound connection that she decided to cave in to her wants for once.

Typically she lived a very rigid lifestyle, adhering herself to strict rules to stay on top of her game. She had already broken several rules of her diet tonight and would more than likely regret it in the morning. However, Shouto’s presence seemed to make her forget about all of that. All she wanted was to spend more time with him, and thoroughly enjoy herself in the process. Maybe the calories burned through some extracurricular activities would help equal out all of the champagne she drank and pastries she ate. One could only hope.

As the night wound down, and after Shouto did a grand display of his wealth by buying a few very expensive art pieces at the charity auction, the two wound up in his custom limo. The young star was not above throwing herself at him, his light touches across intimate areas throughout the night had her wanting him more and more. It was obvious what his intentions with her were, and she was completely on board.

After marveling the beautiful interior of the luxury car, she turned to the side so she could face him. A gentle hand found his face, cupping his cheek as his two-toned eyes stared her down. Behind them was a lustful fire burning brightly, ready to explode. He stopped hesitating for the first time that night as he leaned in and brought their lips together at last.

A needy whine left her, passing through her resolve with ease as her lips parted for his eager tongue. The kiss was sensual and greedy, hands aimlessly pawing through each other’s clothes as they wanted nothing more than to be closer.

Shouto pulled away, knowing he had to wait for the main action. He didn’t have any recording devices within the limo, which in hindsight felt like a huge mistake. The night started as a simple conquest, but after talking to her and getting to know his little idol, the desire blossomed into something much more intense. This was no longer a simple catch for him. He wasn’t just going through the motions, he was actually putting in effort and if he hadn’t been inebriated then it probably would have frightened him.

She looked at him with enlarged pupils, wondering why he pulled away. The playboy chuckled at the expression and a blush lit up her entire face. “I can either be a gentleman or we can do this here, I don’t believe I can do both.” He admitted, only adding fuel to her embarrassment. It clearly wasn’t rejection, however it did somehow feel that way just the tiniest bit.

As they rode back to the building that housed his penthouse, he put an arm around her shoulder, tips of his fingers brushing the bare skin there. Even though it was light, it still seemed to set her ablaze. She shifted so that their sides and legs were touching, needing the closeness as she squeezed her thighs together. Something about him just made her so incredibly turned on that it was hard to keep her hands to herself (or off herself?) while they waited.

When they finally parked out front, her hand darted for the door handle. Shouto let out another laugh as he reeled her back to him. “Hold on, sweetheart, I pay someone for that.” He couldn’t stop the amused look from crossing his features as a pout made its way onto her soft lips.

A moment later the door opened. She took the hand that was outstretched to her and let it guide her out of the vehicle. A bright flash of light caused her to wince, though she was temporarily blinded she could hear the shudder of a camera. They just never give up, she thought bitterly as they called out to her, asking what she was doing with Todoroki Shouto at this time of night.

Shouto appeared beside her, obviously unaffected by the paparazzi. He’d dealt with them for most of his life now, his father also being quite famous. They were just little insects that didn’t deserve his attention.

He put an arm around his prize, his palm on the small of her back as he took her inside. The building security kept the onlookers at bay, not allowing them to come too close to the doorway. “Just ignore them.” He murmured into her ear, “they thrive on attention.”

She nodded her head as they went through the glass doors. They went far back into the building, through a maze of corridors to a private elevator that could only be called when activated by his key. She tried not to marvel at the grandiose decor of the bottom floor. So far she couldn’t imagine what his penthouse would look like.

Shouto inserted a silver key into the lock, turning it before pressing the call button.He removed his key and a few seconds later there was a high pitched chime before the gold doors opened. They went inside and he pressed the button for the top floor.

They stood in a comfortable if not pleasurable silence as Shouto’s hand drifted downwards to her ass again. She acted as if she didn’t notice, though there was a tinge of pink on her cheeks as he gave her ass a small pat when the doors opened to reveal his lavish penthouse.

She walked inside, awestruck at the expensive decor and beautiful open layout. It was even more magnificent then what she had expected, though in all honesty she wasn’t entirely sure what to expect. Despite her celeb status, she wasn’t nearly wealthy enough to have anything bigger than an upper class apartment. It was a comfortable living, but it was nothing like this.

Shouto wasted no time in guiding her into the large master bedroom. The king sized bed was adorned with silk sheets and a plush duvet. “Strip for me, sweetheart.” He murmured into her ear in a low voice, “dance for me like you do on stage.”

He moved away from her, loosening his tie and shedding his jacket and vest as he sat on the edge of the bed. The singer stared at him before slowly starting to dance to an inner beat, unzipping her dress in the process and letting it fall to the floor.

She expertly stepped out of it before smoothly taking off her heels. Keeping her pace slow and deliberate, she removed her stockings, only stopping when she was reduced to nothing but a pair of bra and panties.

The billionaire was captivated by everything about her. Her rhythmic dance, the soft and bare skin, and the sensual expression that graced her face. He was slowly unbuttoning his shirt, leaving it open for her to take in his sculpted chest and abs.

Her tongue came out to wet her lips, moving to straddle his lap. She rolled her hips against him, grinding her sex against his thighs. Shouto grabbed her upper legs, forcing her even closer as he captured her mouth with his own in a kiss that was a whirlwind of lips, tongue, and teeth.

Shouto changed their positions so that he was on top of her, devouring her with his mouth as he moved his hips against hers. He quickly finished taking off his shirt. The only thing separating them now was their underwear and his pants. This didn’t stop her from feeling his hard shaft press against her pussy, his movements stimulating her clit slightly. It was enough of a sensation to make her whine needily for him, taking a fistful of his multicolored hair into her hand to force the kiss to go even deeper.

He growled, tearing off her bra in order to fondle her breasts, tweaking the soft nipples until they were hardened peaks. His mouth ripped from hers and left a trail of smoldering kisses down the small expanse of her neck, nipping the flesh at the most sensitive points that had her gasping for some kind of release.

Her hands moved to his pants, managing somehow to get them off without being able to see them. He kicked them out from around his ankles, enjoying the smaller amount of resistance against his straining erection.

His fingers caught the elastic of her thong, sliding it downwards off her legs, making her untangle them from around his waist. Once she was completely nude he pressed a thumb against her engorged clit, eliciting a whimper from his conquest. He moved the digit in slow, agonizing circles that had her panting and keening for more. She had never felt so untouched in her entire life.

“S-Shouto,” She rasped, “P-please!” She wasn’t sure how much more of his taunts she could take. His mouth had found the swell of her breasts, leaving purpling hickies across both of them. His eyes flickered up to look at her face, seeing the desperation infiltrating her features. He felt like he had hardly even touched her yet. He chalked it up to inexperience, she wasn’t known to go on many dates or have a steady partner.

“Do you need my cock that badly, Y/N?” He asked quizzically, pulling his face from between her breasts. “Your body hasn’t stopped begging for me since the limo.” At the end of his statement, he pinched the delicate bundle of nerves to get his point across. The action caused her to buck her hips in a feeble attempt to try to get out of his grip, but Shouto merely laughed in response.

He stood away from her and slid down his thin boxers. Instantly her teeth sunk into her lower lip as the sight of his hardened member, the tip nearly touching his belly button. There was a thin trail of multicolored hair connecting the small divot in his stomach to his groin, the colors split perfectly down the middle the same way as they were on the top of his head.

“I’m going to need you to do something for me first, doll.” He said as he climbed onto the bed and settled back. There was a smirk plastered on his face now, “Before I fuck you, I want you to give me a little taste.”

He watched as she sat up, her entire body flushed as she crawled to sit between his legs. One tentative hand reached out to stroke his shaft as her soft tongue lapped at the pre-cum glistening on his head. Shouto bit back a moan as he watched her, his eyes flicking to one of the several hidden cameras and giving it a wink.

The singer didn’t notice him, too busy concentrating on the task at hand. Her tongue swirled as she slowly led him into her mouth, hollowing out her cheeks in an attempt to elicit some kind of sound from him. “That’s it,” He cooed, his hand finding its way into her tresses, “suck my dick like a good little idol.”

She kept her eyes closed, too embarrassed to look up at him as she moved her head faster, hand still giving attention to the part of his length that wouldn’t fit within her mouth. After a few minutes, Shouto let out a small sigh of content before wrenching her off of him by tugging on her hair.

He was smiling as she caught her breath, maneuvering them so she was on all fours in front of him. He aligned himself up to her soaking cunt, running his tip along her folds. “Wow, you’re really dripping for me, aren’t you?” He asked, voice sinfully deep. Before she could give him any kind of coherent answer, he slammed into her.

Keeping his grip on her locks, he pulled her head back so that she had to arch her spine. A gasp rattled her throat as she was forced to quickly acclimate to his large size, walls stretching painfully at first before relaxing once more. She was so small compared to him that he felt like he was being suctioned inward, the feeling so powerful and overwhelming that he couldn’t stop the moan that came out of him.

He continued to thrust his hips at an intense speed, the sound of his scrotum hitting against her skin bounced off the walls it was so loud. The up and coming music star was nearly screaming for him, her moans so loud that he wondered if the whole building could hear her. He imagined someone who always looked so innocent on stage sounding so positively lewd. Shouto felt so incredibly powerful for reducing her to nothing but a fuck toy.

Shouto tilted his head back, groaning at how amazing his dick felt wrapped inside of her pussy. It was like she was made for him, perfect in every conceivable way. After all, no one had the level of dirt on her that he now had. It was such an addictive feeling, knowing he could do anything with the video. He had the power to ruin her career if he wanted to, though of course he really had no reason to.

He was pulled from his thoughts at the sensation of her walls fluttering around him as she came so hard that she was silent for a full thirty seconds. When she finally started to descend from her high, she gasped out for air as if trying to mentally grab any oxygen she could find. He pulled her back by her hair, making her stand up on her knees. A muscular arm wrapped around her body and a strong hand captured her throat.

She was silent again as he deprived her brain of blood and oxygen. Shouto found himself toeing the line between orgasm and not, holding himself back as much as he could for the time being. His other hand also snaked around, releasing her hair finally so he could stimulate her clit. Another few seconds he released the hold on her neck and she came a second time with the rushing sensation of blood racing through her brain once more, drinking in air in loud gulps.

Shouto quickly pulled out and released his seed across her lower back and ass, easing her down onto her stomach as he caught his breath. She lay in a puddle on the massive bed, unable to form any sort of coherent thought as her mind was a tornado of emotions.

After catching his breath, the playboy retrieved a warm wet cloth and dry towel. He cleaned up the mess he had made gently, careful not to touch any place that may be overstimulated. There was a sincere smile on his lips and a warmth within him that he hadn’t recalled ever feeling before.

Once he was done cleaning her up, he tossed the towels into a laundry chute and pulled the sheets back. He climbed in next to her after turning out the light and covered them with the silk threads. His hand lightly moved up and down her back until she was fast asleep. As he listened to the light sounds of her breathing, regret began to sweep over him.

He stood, frowning at the small whine she gave when he left. When he was sure that she hadn’t actually awoken, he padded to his laptop and unlocked it. He cut the feed to the video and promptly deleted the file before crawling back into bed and holding her once more in his arms.

Masterlist || Bingo Masterlist || Bingo requests open!

Tag list: @gallickingun, @dabi-hates-fish, @hawksward, @sadistiks

#bnhabookclub #todoroki shouto #todoroki x reader #shouto x reader #bnha #mha #bnha smut #todoroki shoto #mha todoroki #bnha todoroki #todoroki smut #no quirks au #celebrity au #bnha bingo #bnha oneshot #todoroki shouto imagine #bnha imagine #mha imagine #todoroki imagine

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littlejanesilver · 3 years

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The Human Experience (now with paragraph breaks!)

I know it’s not a popular ideology to have right now, because so much we see in the news appears to speak against it, but I think humans are basically an altruistic, cooperative species— with a few caveats. So many of our problems arise out of the fundamental mismatch between the world our species evolved to live in and the world we live in today. Empathy is a natural feature of the human experience. We teach our children positive prosocial behaviours like sharing their food and caring for others who are sick or hurt. We survive and build through cooperative behaviour. Kindness is instinctual and the instinct is reinforced through proper socialization. I’ve seen it in my children before they could even speak, trying to offer a pat on the back or comfort to a crying sibling. Normal, socialized humans feel physical and mental distress in ourselves when we see others in distress and are eager to alleviate it. The thing is human altruism, like that of other primates who live and hunt in groups is usually predicated on face to face personal relationships. It makes sense to share with others in your group when you have more than enough, because someday when they have more than enough they will be more likely to share with your. In humanity the ability to cooperate has been positively selected for through million of years of evolution. It makes sense that over the comparatively long human life span, where you might live in a tribe of 60 people, you would encounter the same members of your tribe over and over again and your prosocial actions would be remembered and influence their prosocial actions towards you further down the line. Our big brains are good for remembering and keeping score. Not to mention in such an environment, you would also probably be somewhat genetically related to your tribe-mates so helping your family members and tribe-mates survive also enhances the survival of your own genes. Among surviving hunter gatherer tribes it would be consider insane for one member to horde all the food while other members of the tribe starve. A person could be excluded from the group for behaviour like that and a human without other humans in nature does not survive for long. Being exiled from one’s tribe is a fate most will do anything to prevent. Also, in the hunter gatherer world, where people are nomadic, having a huge amount of one substance doesn’t make a lot of sense, because you can only own what you can carry with you. There are also no refrigerators, so if you have more food than you need, whatever you don’t eat will rot quickly. Human life in the prehistoric world could be extremely harsh. Few infants survived and giving birth was highly precarious. But when a member of your tribe was in distress, even without modern medicines you still had something you could do and that was offer comfort, through a hug, or helping with a task or offering food. In the world we live in now the instinct to share is sometimes short-circuited. Holding resources has been facilitated by inventions like fridges and silos to keep grain. People decide to keep resources to themselves and their families, because they often don’t see or can’t relate to the people their greed is harming. Executives of large companies never have to see their employees face to face, they don’t grow up with the people they employ (who nowadays may live in another country entirely), and there is no consequence to them for causing others to experience distress. Also there are so many thousands of employees that they become theoretical to the executives, rather than real flesh and blood people they have to live with on a day to day basis who will confront you if you treat themselves shitty and treat you badly right back. Also, if say a factory in another country is mistreating its workers and the factory makes clothes for your company (as well as other companies), there are so many culprits in the problem, front he managers of the factory itself, to the country it is in that allows lax labour laws, to the many companies that have this

factory make clothes for them, to the country the company is located in that makes it more worthwhile for them to hire foreign companies to make their clothes— that the individual executive sitting in an office somewhere is so far removed and their contribution is so diffuse among the many others in the process that he or she feels no shame. More importantly, that executives social group is unlikely to include members of the exploited class, so they will never be publicly shamed or held accountable in a social setting, which, let’s face it, is what keeps most of us honest, when the temptation to take more than our share is strong. The instinct to display compassion and show care for others, is also challenged in certain ways in a modern context. The instinct to display empathy and compassion is strongest for family members and extends to other tribe-mates in a healthy human being, across all cultures and settings. If you saw a loved one crying, you would naturally go up to them and put an arm around their shoulder and ask how you could help. The distress you feel at seeing another person in distress, would reduce, once you could offer them comfort. Feeling an arm around their shoulders, experiencing comforting touch also would help elevate your loved ones feelings of distress. As much as we hate feeling pain or distress, in us and seeing it in others, experiences like this help bond us to those we love. When a friend supports you through a tough time it can cause your friendship to deepen. It feels like a blessing to be able to offer them the same strength they offered you in return at a latter date. When I a can offer a listening ear to a friend’s complaint or be able to offer a pair of arms to hold a loved one who is crying, I feel the most human. Being together in this way with others, knowing that they are feeling what you are feeling and sharing in a moment, whether listening to music or experiencing a film together is so special and so inherently human. It is hard to explain, but there is a positive feeling that comes from when one is acting in accordance with one’s animal nature. The naturalness and lack of push-back your brain is giving you— like when you have really good sex or do a refreshing (not exhausting) physical workout that pushes you a bit, or stare in wonder at something in nature— this sense of doing what you were made for— what is most natural and human feels so wonderful and liberating. I feel that when I am concocting stories sometimes, this ability to be in the moment and intensely aware of what I am doing, fully experiencing it without being distracted by other worries or things going on in my mind. The problem as I see it is that we see so much distress around us that is taking place far away, across the globe and we can see the people’s faces in pain, but we have no ability to take that pain away or even offer the basic comfort our ape ancestors could, such as an arm around the shoulder or the offer of half a fruit. We can’t give them anything. Maybe we can donate money to an earthquake fund or something, but who knows if that money will even reach them and it won’t effect that specific person you see right now, on your screen. Maybe we don’t even have enough money to give a dollar to an earthquake fund and maybe the government of the country that suffering person is living in, is causing their suffering because it refuses offers from the international community to help (see North Korea). What do people do when they are constantly faced with the reality of thousands of people suffering who we can’t do anything to help? We evolved to deal with one or two people in our tribe suffering every once and a while. We evolved to feel pain ourselves at the suffering of someone and to be able to stop that pain by offering the other person comfort. But when you can’t offer meaningful, immediate comfort to another person in a personal way either through physical means or through helpful speech, what are you left with? For some people I feel like the result is a constant low-grade

(or sometimes high grade) anxiety, traumatic stress and depression. The tidal wave of suffering feels so great you are mentally drowning in it if you are the kind of person who experiences empathy for others very strongly. You might be motivated to participate in charities and social justice causes, but all the time, the satisfaction that should come from helping people is out of reach, the anxiety and sadness at other’s distress is still there because no matter what you do, with so many people in the world now, and with news from all corners of the globe constantly in our faces at every moment of the day, you just can’t help everyone. It isn’t possible. Long ago you would only be cognizant of the problems of people in your own little tribe. Dealing with their problems would be mentally manageable and might even benefit you and the other person and strengthen your relationships. Dealing with this tidal wave of billions of people’s problems is unmanageable and hugely distressing. We were not born with the mental equipment to deal with this and it is a huge problem. Avoiding it, in certain societies, to help lessen your stress is not even possible. Everywhere you look, TV screens, radios and newspapers are blaring the death tolls of the most recent atrocity. This media diet distorts your perception, because when all you hear about are huge horrific events, the regular day to day repetitive actions that occupy most of what people are doing all over the world, like today Soorya milked a goat or Bob picked his toddler up from daycare don’t make the news. Some day, I think the world will have to reckon with the mental health problems that this constant media diet of negative and fearful imagery causes humans who have no means to influence the distressing things that are mentioned. Obviously, it is important to know what is happening in the world in some sense, to hold governments accountable when they act in ways that harm people. However part of the problem is even when we see that unfairness is happening we don’t have the tools to help stop it or a deeper understanding of why problems are occurring and how we can help is left out of the reporting. This makes people feel helpless and out of control and it doesn’t help the people who are suffering in the end. Some people are able to deal with this constant exposure to suffering that we can’t help, through selectively turning their compassion and empathy faculties on and off. As someone who can’t do this on my own, I am constantly astounded to witness other people do this. Part of me is slightly jealous of this ability while part of me is highly suspicious of it. People who can do this, I’ve noticed can also be very reckless with others emotions if they believe a relationship with that other person doesn’t forward their own goals. There is something that feels lacking to me about a human that can operate in such a ruthless capacity, but these are also people who seem able to have a lot of success because their mental processes are so efficient with regards to empathy. People can often show great love and compassion for their family and friends, but have little to no compassion for people outside the group they qualify as their “tribe.” How modern people define tribe, as people who share the same religion, community, fan base, sexuality, ethnicity or even as narrowly as their own nuclear family can vary. But I would say the majority of humans display this ability to switch their empathy on and off depending on whether someone is considered part of their tribe or not. This is also, sad to say, a very human quality. In a world where your tribe was your survival, outside tribes who might steal your resources, or kill or steal members of your tribe were far more dangerous than wild beasts you might encounter. I was bullied pretty harshly as a kid and I still maintain that the whole in-group/out-group dialectic that is such a part of human experience is one of the ugliest facets of human nature there is. Most disturbing of all, it is not contrary to human

nature, as most anti-social behaviours seem to be coded as, but is often seen as positive with no social costs in-group. A person who shows altruism and fealty to their own group can show the worst sadism and cruelty to out-group members without the corresponding social penalties they would face if they were to behave the same way in their own group. There is a reason in the Torah there are numerous directives “to love the stranger as yourself” and to “be kind to the stranger” and other lessons about hospitality to people who aren’t from your town because they might be (in Abraham’s case) angelic messengers. If everybody treated strangers and out group members the same as they treated their family members there wouldn’t be so much advice about showing hospitality to those unlike ourselves. The instinct of “stranger danger” is high in human beings and starts before we can talk. Studies done with pre-verbal human infants show that when confronted with two different strangers, one who speaks their own language and one who talks a different language, the infants shunned the foreign language speaking individual more than the person who talked their own language, even if they couldn’t talk or even fully understand that language yet themselves! The corresponding instinct of curiosity in some of us and eagerness to find out and know about something outside our own experience is thankfully, a good check to the stranger-danger feeling in some of us. Sadly, the stranger-danger instinct can get stronger as people get older and lose some of their mental flexibility and the world also changes a lot from the world they grew up in. If you aren’t mindful of that tendency of the human brain, then you can get caught up in thinking that all the changes are bad and threatening and feel fearful and angry at the world as you get older. Also, the more adverse experiences you have with other people, the more they seem to trail after you as you get older, colouring your ability to trust others and harming your interpersonal relationships if you’re not careful. While it may be more mentally healthy to only extend your empathy to members of your own group, feel like society as a whole suffers tremendously when we do this. We don’t live in isolated tribes anymore. Even if the effects are not apparent to us, our actions do effect the lives of other people, sometimes far away. We need new ways and new transparency laws to let us understand what the costs to others of the goods we purchase are, where they come from and what sort of labour conditions those goods are sourced under. We also need more alternatives to buy ethically, that are within most people’s budgets. Having the choice between ethically sourced goods that cost way more than a normal family can afford and goods sold in stores that only offer part-time jobs and starvation wages to their employees that utilize slave labour in other countries for manufacturing doesn’t really offer a choice. If you don’t have a lot of money you can’t afford to be ethical, which seems wrong. How come I can get a food item at the store and every single ingredient that went into it is listed on the back of the package, but how the item was made, where and with what sort of labour is left out? As a consumer we should be afforded the ability to make ethical purchases. There should be some sort of international independent organization with actual teeth that oversees labour practices across the world and gives companies letter grades and provides this information to the consumer with every purchase. It should be a reliable independent source for the consumer that tells us whether a purchase is helping to perpetuate positive or negative work conditions around the world. Companies that have the best conditions should be rewarded and companies that have the worst should be shut down. Getting everyone on board with the philosophy that humans are all part of one tribe is crucial to improving all our lives. If all children can be taught, from the earliest days that we are all one tribe and that

we are all deserving of love and compassion and the means of survival things will probably improve. As long as people continue to believe in in-group/out-group philosophies that see their own group as some sort of master race or chosen people and everyone else as inferior or misguided and not worthy of the same kind of empathy reserved for members of one’s own tribe— humanity will not grow. Accepting the fact that we are all animals, members of the same species and the same planet, which we have to take care of together is crucial. I’ve lived on Lake Erie and Lake Ontario for most of my life. For those who don’t know both these lakes are partially in the U.S. and partially in Canada and proved most of the water and electricity for the communities around the lakes like Toronto and Hamilton in Canada and Buffalo and Rochester in the U.S and Niagara Falls in both countries. Canada and the U.S. in the past have had different laws governing heavy industry on the lakes. But this is ridiculous, because if a company pollutes on one side of the lake, it automatically causes pollution on the other side as well. Right now countries are acting like the laws they make regarding pollution, labour, immigration and countless other things only affect their own country, when the reality couldn’t be further from the truth. We don’t live in isolated tribes anymore. Every human community is touching countless other communities. We didn’t evolve to live or think this way, but if there’s one thing we humans have mastered, it’s how to adapt. We can adapt to this new world and thinking in a new way about each other and our planet— but we have to stop seeing ourselves as isolated groups and start thinking of the big picture. In this world where our edges all touch each other, we have to be especially cognizant to live peacefully and try to do everything in our power to avoid violence wherever possible. To use a metaphor, you never know how the pollution you dump one one side of the lake will effect a baby yet to be born on the other side of the lake. If there is another choice, even if that choice is just to pause and consider what this action might achieve or to really grapple seriously with the harm it might cause, regardless of whether it is “right” or “deserved.” Make the choice to think before you act. Listen to what other people are feeling who aren’t from your in-group. Even if you don’t agree with them, how can you ever convince them, if you don’t try to understand where they are coming from? More than anything right now I think we need dialogue, not knee jerk reactions. We need nuance, deeper understanding than 150 character soundbites and the ability to listen to each other and the skill of trying to slow down our minds. It is easy to act on anger, greed or fear if you don’t see the people who your actions effect. But we have many tools in our communication arsenal for communicating how we feel to other people and trying to get them to make change. Violence should be very last resort of all the last resorts, not the go-to option. We have to act in accordance with the world we want to live in, in the future, a world that has room for all people. There is no shortage of money, food or land on this planet if we all only take what we need and share with each other. The withholding of these things from others and obscene accumulation of resources for oneself and ones family is not admirable. It is a demonstration of selfish antisocial behaviour and should be seen as such by our society. How our words and actions serve ourselves, our loved ones and the human tribe as a whole and its future existence on this Earth is worth considering.

#being human

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willowistic22 · 4 years

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Van life!newsies headcanons

Hello, i have recently been obsessing and/or pining over living in a van/bus. So i will project my pining to my favorite pretty paper boys like what everyone does in the newsies fandom! Very healthy and smart idk lol so here’s my take on this au for each of my ships!

*i know some ppl might not agree with all these ships but these are just my personal favorites pls don’t come after me for something i like :)*

@jaelynn-is-slightly-confused thanks for deciding which headcanons i should write first :)

A pretty long list so you might have to sit down for this one

Javid

They converted an old american school bus

I actually have a headcanon that modern!jack comes from a rich family (maybe not the family his parents were born into but his parents worked pretty hard to be successful y’know) so that’s how they were able to buy an old school bus

So they were able to fit in a shower (not one of those foldable kinds) and a built in toilet. A pretty decent kitchen. A stove, oven, microwave, and all the other utilities necessary. Was able to fit both a washing machine and a dryer. Has a proper closet.

To fit davey’s needs, they put in a tiny book shelf. But it’s too tiny to fit in all of davey’s book (he’s got a shelf full) and was forced to give some of them away he cried a little. Jack did the same for his art supplies he cried a lot.

Jack is an illustrator and Davey is a writer. (Davey the hopeless romantic Jacobs mostly writes romance wow what a shocker) If Jack can find the time to paint on a canvas he will. It usually ends up getting sold which he doesn’t mind.

Jack painted every inch of the bus exterior wow we’re all so shocked no we aren’t I lied :) "Jack why...” “We need to be festive when we travel, Dave!” *face palms*

They have one cat which is still nameless in my head so ://

Newsbians

They live in a school bus

Kathrine’s a Pulitzer so you know how they can freely afford it (now that i think abt it i think old school busses sell for really cheap prices but idk)

The shower and closet are a must have for Kathrine. She takes over most of the closet space and takes the longest in the shower. Sarah is a foodie so she built herself a whole kitchen and Kathrine is not allowed to touch anything without her permission. Even fitting in a huge fridge. They also fit in a proper working desk and a couch. Also made some sort of balcony on top of their bus so they can stargaze on top of there

Kathrine is a reporter and Sarah is a physician in the telemedicine industry (she meets patients through video calls and such, not face to face)

Morning coffee is a tradition for them at this point. They cannot drive the bus without having one cup of coffee

They have two cats still nameless too ://

Ikeshot (lmao moving to my rarepairs so quickly. i mean i originally reserved the van life headcanon for them but i got too obsessed and now i’m writing this list hehe)

They settled with a sprinter van

it started just as an idea for their honeymoon to do a road trip around the us, but it ended up being longer than a hundred days of honeymoon and it turns into being their first proper room

Their shower is built in and it can only fit one person. The bed takes up the whole back space. Their closet is kinda small but they don’t mind bcs Ike mostly lives in Hotshot’s clothes anyways. The kitchen is limited but they have a pullout barbeque at the back of their van, under their bed. Hotshot is a master at barbequing.

Ike is a translator and interpreter. He also uses his hobby in crocheting to build a small business he makes cardigans :) (credit to @violetwolfraven for that little idea) Hotshot is an accountant. Very boring ik but i have a headcanon he’s good with numbers so that’s cool (well idk i feel like he’s good with math and economics)

Bringing the playstation has always been a priority, so they built in a tv. They like to chill in the bed and play together. Mario kart is a ruthless game

Occasional weird midnight dancing sessions is a tradition

they have a cat named Sparks and a dog named Lewis. It’s a dalmatian which made Hotshot tempted to name him Spot :)

*cut to a vicious argument between Spot and Hotshot which was also egged on by Ike and Race*

Jomike (ok look i love my rarepairs alright pls let me ship in peace)

They got a sprinter van

Their kitchen took up most the space bcs mike and jojo are practically professional chefs. When asked to throw down in the kitchen, they will thRO W D O W N

They even use a teal palette specifically for their kitchen. They have a one person shower but no built in toilet. a fair amount of plants as decoration. in the back of their van, they have a built in pull out dining table and two benches (built under their bed so they’d have to stop and open the back door to have a proper dinner)

Jojo is a reporter and mike is a computer programmer. Their job requires a proper desk to work on so they just installed a foldable table in between their seats up front.

their clothes are just stored in cabinets since they share anyways. it leaves a good amount of wall space to play a projector for netflix *cue the soft cuddling in bed*

breakfast in bed is the most on brand thing for them to do

they have a cat named Dixeleta. She’s an outdoor cat so they have fun doing outdoor activities together. Hiking, kayaking, etc.

Sprace

They live in an old sprinter van Spot got from an old family member

They have the type of bed that can turn into a living room (seats and table etc). They use a foldable shower bcs they want the space. Their kitchen can be extended out with a latch by their sliding door but that’s only when they need to use a stove and oven. Since they’re the type of people that just throws on the closest clothes they can grab they just use cabinets to store their clothes.

ok i’ve mentioned it before about sprace but i’ll mention it again. They have three cats named Racecat, Spot Clawlon, and Romeow :D all named by race if you’re wondering.

So Race is a social media manager and Spot is a physician in the telemedicine industry.

They’re very lazy to constantly look for a coin laundry service. They make a schedule to do the laundry once a week but sometimes they just forget.

Their first drive of the day will always include karaoke. They can’t tell whether their cats love or hate their singing voice most likely the latter but they’re in denial.

They cuddle each other in bed with their cats. While watching tv, to sleep, or just chilling together.

Redfinch

They got a mini bus

They have a built in shower, bathroom, and closet (not sure why since they don’t really care about their clothes all that much) They have a proper kitchen, fit a washing machine and dryer, plus a little seating area with a small table

They have two big doberman named Zara and Zoey and a cat named Marbles. Pretty outdoor pets so they frequently take them out for hikes and such

They have a ‘balcony’ on top of their mini bus to chill together. As in all five of them :)

Finch is a music producer and Albert is a photographer and videographer. Albert mostly works with tourist as their personal photographer, but he has land gigs with big companies/people. Finch works with a label that has given him to opportunity to work at home but sometime still need to stop by a studio to meet with artists or other producers.

Finch only needs space to store his laptop, notebooks, and guitar (but he ends up hanging it on the wall anyways). Albert takes up a whole cabinet for all of his equipment.

Not Finch waking up at an ungodly hour when a spark of inspiration comes to him, which ends up waking everyone in the bus. *cut to Albert furiously dragging him back to bed*

They installed a tv near their bed for playstation sessions or cuddling throughout a movie

Their driving karaoke is usually accompanied by their dogs which only tortures Marbles. She hides under the blanket to save her ears. smart cat hehe

Snipesmalls (Never wrote anything for them but I do love these girls :))

They converted a mini bus

Sniper takes up most of the closet space, but it doesn’t matter because they share clothes anyways. A built in toilet and shower. Their kitchen has a navy blue theme to it. It was Smalls’ idea. They have a washing machine and dryer and also a proper dining table.

Sniper is a nurse in the telehealth industry (basically just like telemedicine but deals with more than just clinical services) and Smalls is a medical transcriptionist.

They have an Australian Shepherd named Blue. It’s because of her blue eyes it’s so beautiful :O Blue likes to stick his head out while driving.

They have a built in tv for their playstation and movies but sometimes they bring out the projector to watch while chilling outside.

They have done the most traveling. Hopping from the US to Europe and Asia.

They may like to share clothes but Sniper really likes to be fashionable wherever she goes. “Ok so since we’re planning to go hiking tomorrow, which hat should I use?” “Sniper, we’re hiking up a mountain, not a vogue fashion runway” “And so what if I pretend we are? Use your imagination babe! Now which one?” *sighing*

It is a nightmare to convince Sniper to give away some of their clothes She cries every time her clothes are being given away but gets happy when they go shopping for new ones and it’s the same cycle every time this happens

They also like to go to music festivals and have picnics together

Blush

They live in a mini bus

They rarely buy clothes or give them away plus they share clothes so the closet is pretty small but hella messy because they’re lazy at folding their clothes away. A simple built in shower and also a foldable toilet. The kitchen is pretty equipped because Mush is a master chef. They have a little seating area with a table. Alternating as a working desk and dining table

Mush is a dietitian and Blink is a therapist, both in the telemedicine industry.

Neither is allowed to drive if they haven’t gotten their morning coffee

Mush is mostly then one doing the karaoke while Blink drives

they like to have picnics together

goes to random concerts. it doesn’t need to be a really big artist. they’d simply be happy if they get tickets to any sort of concert. They prefer to see local underground artists to discover more music and such but they sometimes save up to watch big artists too.

they’ve only been around the us and canada but are planning on going to other countries too

Belmerttons

they live in an old school bus

So buttons is a huge fashionista so there is a proper closet and drawers that are mostly used by himself. A built in bathroom and the door has a mirror per buttons request. they also fit a washing machien and dryer in the bus per buttons request too. Their bed is full of decorative pillows and a few stuffed animals per elmer’s request. Their kitchen is small but does the trick. also has a little seating area with a table

Buttons is a fashion stylist but also a designer. Elmer is a math tutor for all ages

they love going to different kind of events and festivals. one of the reasons why they wanted to live on the road in the first place

to get buttons to give away his old clothes, elmer has to assure him it’s for a good cause bcs buttons loves all his clothes. Buttons still get a little sad and pouty when those days come but picks himself up again when elmer offers a disney movie night on the projector with some snacks

oh yes, they bring lots of snacks on the road

They have a cat. still nameless soz

the cat is very fluffy and sheds a lot. which is kind of a problem especially on buttons clothes

“you’re lucky you have a cute face” -buttons while he’s cleaning the fur off his clothes

Spromeo

they live in a mini bus but kinda looks like a hippie van (idk how to describe it but it’s a mini bus with a hippie kind of style to it yknow)

they have two separate areas in the bus. one up front where the driver and passenger seat is. also coupled with a tiny sofa and a table. that’s where they do their work and dine. very comfy and cozy.

it’s seperated by a thin wooden wall. through the doorway is where the rest of their living quarters are. a bed, small kitchen but fully equipped, a shower, and foldable toilet. instead of a closet, they use a dresser since they don’t really have many clothes anyways

so specs is a history teacher and tutor for all ages. (he’s a history nerd hehe). Romeo is a photographer and cinematographer. mostly a tourist photographer (kinda like albert yknow)

specs likes reading history books, but he mostly does his reading on his tablet and laptop to save space. the same for romeo and comics btw

their bed is full of pillows

they have a cat named snowy. a lazy indoor cat. but she loves to cuddle with them in bed

they’ve also done some traveling to other countries. mostly neighboring countries but are dreaming of going to places in europe and asia.

they enjoy doing lots of board games when they’re not driving

romeo has a ukulele which he constantly uses to serenade to specs. sometimes to snowy but mostly specs

woah that was long akjghflkjasfbj; h. will i write a oneshot with this headcanon? maybe but who knows. just needed to put it out there that i’m pining on living on the road with the loml and some cats and go on an adventure together. anyways hope whoever reads this enjoy and sorry for writing a long headcanon list hehe

#n e wayssss #newsies #random writing #javid #newsbians #ikeshot #jomike #sprace #redfinch #snipesmalls #blush #belmerttons #spromeo #yes yes very good pining rai #look at that :)#amazing

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ibijau · 4 years

Text

chap 2 of the modern xisangyao, also on AO3

Against his better judgement, Meng Yao finds himself quite charmed by the too handsome researcher who wants to meet his employer

Mister Shanzi will be unhappy when he discovers that Meng Yao has agreed to meet with a researcher without first consulting him, but he is simply too curious. It is so odd for anyone to be so interested in that obscure painter, and so desperate to see more of his work. Of course, Mister Shanzi himself holds a clear interest in Nie Huaisang, one that he has unwillingly transmitted to Meng Yao… But mister Shanzi is an odd man, and ordinary people cannot be compared to him.

For this reason, Meng Yao's first instinct upon being contacted by Lan Xichen had been suspicion. Mister Shanzi has his enemies, as Meng Yao knows well, and they try to act clever sometimes.

His second instinct, after a quick internet search, had been amusement. Surely nobody expected him to believe that this man, handsome enough to play the lead in a drama, was a mere university teacher.

A more thorough search had confirmed it though. Meng Yao knew enough about running a con to spot modified photos and fake credentials, and he had found none of that. Digging further, Lan Xichen appeared in the background of photos and was referenced here and there on relatives' social media, with no incoherence to the presentation he'd given in his email.

So Meng Yao had found himself intrigued, and offered to meet and chat.

A decision he half regrets now, because somehow, Lan Xichen is even more handsome in person. He is, in fact, the single most beautiful person that Meng Yao has seen in his life, easily outranking mister Shanzi who had reigned there supreme since the day Meng Yao met him during a con gone wrong.

"I am so glad you offered to meet me," Lan Xichen says with a warm smile. "I am really sorry that I was so insistent, but it is so rare for several of Nie Huaisang’s works to be in a single place."

“I understand,” Meng Yao replies, trying to match the warmth of that smile when he can’t help being a little dazzled by that handsome stranger. “Though at the moment, my employer is a little wary of showing any of those paintings in his possession until he has inspected them all again. It is very embarrassing that several fakes fooled him, and mister Shanzi wants to restore his reputation. He is still getting used to modern technology, and how much it has changed the art market in recent decades.”

Mostly, mister Shanzi complains a lot on the matter, and keeps saying he’s going to have to change career soon. Apparently, back in the days, it was much easier to sell a decent fake as long as you also sold enough real things. But now with age testing of the paper and analysis of the ink, it’s nearly impossible to do a good enough job.

Of course mister Shanzi could quite easily make as much money only selling legitimate art, he has the connections, the collection, and impeccable taste. So Meng Yao suspects it’s not just about money, and more about the twisted joy of deceiving others. He can't fault him for that.

“Yes, that makes sense,” Lan Xichen sighs. “I was fooled as well, so I understand the feeling. It’s so disappointing, but not unexpected. Nie Huaisang attracts forgers like no other artists.”

Meng Yao nods sympathetically. He’s heard mister Shanzi boast that well over half of Nie Huaisang’s paintings in circulation are copies he made himself, and perfectly undetectable unless one runs those ‘damn new tests’ on them.

“If I may be so bold, why the interest in that particular painter?” Meng Yao asks. “Surely you could have found someone less complicated to study.”

Rather than to answer immediately, Lan Xichen considers the question. He takes a sip of tea with more elegance than this café deserves, and Meng Yao is struck once more with the idea that this man should be acting in drama, not writing essays nobody will ever read. It’s easy to imagine Lan Xichen playing the role of a noble prince, or even a god.

“He’s just a fascinating character I suppose,” Lan Xichen says at last. “Outside of his art, we know so little about him. We don’t even know his real name.”

“What?”

Lan Xichen smiles, clearly very pleased to have gotten that reaction.

“He wasn’t born Nie Huaisang,” he explains. “That’s only his courtesy name. You see, he belonged to that… well, they called themselves a sect, though at the end of the day they were closer to nobility, with the same inheritance problems and power struggles. Still, Qinghe Nie held a number of beliefs, and one of them was that the birth name of its members had to be kept a complete secret… and Nie Huaisang is among those who succeeded at obeying that rule. So we don’t know his name, we don’t know his date of birth, and we don’t know how he died or when.”

“Is there anything that is known about him?” Meng Yao teases, more endeared and intrigued than he would care to admit.

Lan Xichen must notice, because he smiles again, as if delighted to have found someone willing to listen to his impromptu lecture.

“We know he was raised by his brother because their father died when they were young,” Lan Xichen says. “Well, half-brother. Nie Huaisang was the child of a concubine, or even of a servant. His father recognised him, but his legitimacy was called in question a few times. We know he survived a local insurrection nicknamed the Sunshot Campaign, though it’s unclear if he was old enough to have taken part in any fighting. His brother did though, with great success, but died without heirs a few years later and Nie Huaisang found himself in charge of a fief.”

He pauses there, his expression turning sadder, as if he were talking of a personal friend rather than a long dead man. Meng Yao finds it ridiculous and a little endearing.

“A few anecdotes from the lives of contemporaries tell us that he must have had a rough time at first,” Lan Xichen continues, “and he was suspected for a while of being implicated in the murder of the head of the Jin clan, but nothing ever came out of that. He’s just thirty at that point, still fairly young, and he lives on for another fifty, maybe sixty years… and we don’t know anything about what he does during that time. Nobody really talks about Qinghe Nie again until his successor rises to power and brings the clan back into the political sphere. Nie Huaisang’s life is a mystery. What little we think we know comes from the few poems he left, and whatever clues we can gather from his numerous paintings. Isn’t that fascinating?”

What’s fascinating, Meng Yao thinks, is the way Lan Xichen’s eyes light up when talking about something he’s passionate about. If it’s an act, then it’s an excellent one… but Meng Yao finds himself hoping that it’s sincere, that Lan Xichen really is just an odd man who is apparently half in love with a painter who died a millennium and a half ago.

There is no way that mister Shanzi would ever let anyone see his private collection. Even Meng Yao is barely allowed to go to his employer’s house, to avoid attracting attention to the place. Lan Xichen’s request is never going to be granted.

But it has been a long while since Meng Yao has been so intrigued by someone, not since first meeting mister Shanzi in fact. And mister Shanzi, in spite of the mutual attraction that Meng Yao knows to be there, has made it quite clear that he isn’t interested in anything but a professional relationship. Meng Yao has satisfied himself with that so far, because his life really is pretty good as it currently is, but Lan Xichen changes that. Surely there’s no harm in pretending that there’s a chance he might get to see the painting, at least until Meng Yao can decide if that too handsome man is trustworthy or not, dateworthy or not…

“It does sound interesting,” Meng Yao admits. “I’m sure mister Shanzi would…”

His phone starts vibrating, interrupting him. Meng Yao can’t help a slight frown, which turns to a deeper one when he sees the message he’s just received.

“Well, I have to go,” he sighs. “I’m really sorry. But… mister Lan, if I may be so bold, would you agree to exchanging numbers? That way we can continue talking about this more easily.”

“Yes, of course,” Lan Xichen replies. There is a trace of pink on his cheeks as he takes out his own phone, which Meng Yao finds both very fetching and rather encouraging.

He’ll have to be careful, this could be a trap, Lan Xichen might be an excellent actor, part of a team skilled enough to have fooled Meng Yao, but… but he might not be, too, and it would be a shame to miss this chance.

After having exchanged numbers and promised to be in touch soon, Meng Yao quickly heads home. He lives on the edges of the city, in a building that already looked ancient when he was a kid. Today’s a good day, because the lift is, in fact, actually working for once.

Upon getting to his floor, Meng Yao goes to knock on the door next to his. It opens nearly immediately.

“Meng Yao, you’re saving my life,” the young woman who lives there greets him. “I’m really sorry, I’ve tried everyone else, but I’ve been called in for an extra shift and I need the money so bad, I’ve had to buy her new shoes this month, and…”

“It’s fine, I don’t mind at all.”

His neighbour thanks him again, and rushes inside. She’s back quickly, her daughter in her arms. The child nearly throws herself at Meng Yao, and her mother runs off to work, leaving them alone.

“Well, Beastie, it’s just you and me,” Meng Yao says, walking to his door. “What are we going to do tonight?”

“Watch fighting movies! Eat candies!”

“And what will we tell mama we did?”

“Watch documentaries and eat greens and I went to bed and I was good!” The little girl roars.

Meng Yao laughs, and puts her down while he unlocks his door. Beastie runs inside to check the tv, while Meng Yao makes sure they actually have something to eat. He tries to keep his fridge full and his cabinet fuller, especially since Beastie has become a regular at his place. Her mother is a hard working girl who, like Meng Yao��s mother, got pregnant too young from a man who didn’t stick around. He used to babysit Beastie for extra cash before meeting mister Shanzi, and for some reason he never really stopped, even if he refuses to take money for it now. He just likes Beastie and her mom, and he remembers how much his own mother used to rely on neighbours too, whenever things became rough.

As Beastie and him settle down for the night, ready to watch one of those cheesy, over the top old kung-fu movies that they both love, Meng Yao gets a text from Lan Xichen, thanking him again for meeting him. After only the briefest of hesitations, Meng Yao quickly answers that he’s sorry he had to leave so fast, because he loved chatting with Lan Xichen. This prompts another text from the handsome teacher, to which Meng Yao replies as well.

His phone doesn’t stop buzzing all nigh, and Meng Yao doesn't stop smiling.

In the days and weeks that follow, Meng Yao and Lan Xichen manage to meet in person a few more times, and text nearly constantly. At their second meeting they’re still pretending that this is only about Lan Xichen’s research, but by the third one they start openly chatting about other things.

Lan Xichen is very open about his life, and everything he says fits with what Meng Yao had found during his initial investigation. He has a little brother nearly fifteen years younger than him who lives with him, he enjoys teaching and researching equally, he has a pet rabbit called Liebing he dotes on, he can’t handle spice at all, he has, in fact, been asked more than once if he was interested in a modelling or acting career but always refused because academia is his calling.

Meng Yao is more careful with the information he shares. He admits to having worked for mister Shanzi for nearly five years, but doesn’t elaborate on how they meet because that's not a story for honest people. He confesses he didn’t have any particular interest in art until taking the job, though he has tried to educate himself on the subject since then (Lan Xichen offers to go to a museum together someday, and to his own surprise, Meng Yao agrees). He doesn’t have pets, but he does have Beastie and he’s pretty sure that counts.

The way Lan Xichen’s eyes go soft over that… it does things to Meng Yao’s poor heart.

As does almost everything Lan Xichen does or says, in fact.

Meng Yao is half appalled at himself for how fast he’s falling for Lan Xichen. He tries to resist it, tries to be reasonable, but Lan Xichen just has to smile the right way, and Meng Yao’s heart flutters in his chest. He feels like a teenager with a crush.

He starts thinking like one, too.

Ever since meeting mister Shanzi, Meng Yao has been loyal to his employer. There is something about the man that demands it, and though he has never made threats of any sorts, Meng Yao can feel that mister Shanzi is not a man who takes kindly to betrayal.

And yet, it would be so easy to arrange for Lan Xichen to come to mister Shanzi’s home without his knowledge. Meng Yao is in charge of his employer’s schedule, so he knows where he is at any given time. He also has the keys to that isolated house in the middle of nowhere. It would be so easy, and Meng Yao has never been too good at resisting temptation.

At this point, he knows that if he tells Lan Xichen he won't see the paintings, the other man will be disappointed but will ask if they can keep seeing each other anyway. This isn't about finding a way to keep his attention: Meng Yao knows he has it already.

It's about Meng Yao guessing how happy Lan Xichen will be to see those paintings, and deciding surely that's worth the risk.

That’s how Meng Yao and Lan Xichen find themselves in a car one day, heading out of the city together. Meng Yao feels his skin buzzing with nerves, though every time he takes his eyes from the road to glance at Lan Xichen and finds him glowing and as excited as a child, he knows it was the right choice. It takes them a few hours to get to the house, which they spend chatting about a number of things. About midway through the trip, when they take a break, Meng Yao announces that due to a last minute problem, mister Shanzi won’t be able to meet them at the house, but welcomes them to check the paintings without him. Lan Xichen is of course disappointed and offers to try again another time, but Meng Yao convinces him it’s more convenient to go that day.

The house, hidden in a bamboo forest, takes Lan Xichen’s breath away when he discovers it, just as it did for Meng Yao the first time. It’s not particularly big or extravagant, but there’s something about it that makes Meng Yao’s heart ache every time he sees it, as if he’s known it before. It’s ridiculous, of course. He’d never really left the city before starting to work for mister Shanzi.

“It looks like home,” Lan Xichen whispers as he exits the car.

“Does your family have a place like that?”

Lan Xichen frowns, and shakes his head. “No, not at all. But it still feels like home. I can’t explain why… Ah, don’t mind me. Let’s just go inside.”

Meng Yao hides a smile and goes to open the door. In truth, he’d like to get this over with as quickly as possible. Mister Shanzi has no reason to be back from his trip until tomorrow, but Meng Yao won’t feel safe until they’ve left. It really is stupid to have come here at all, and even Lan Xichen’s happiness is starting to not feel worth the risk.

The house is quiet when they go in, and a little cold, making them shiver. It’s always fresh in there, which Meng Yao assumes is why mister Shanzi has taken to calling his home the Hanshi.

“It’s not a very welcoming name for a home,” Lan Xichen says as he looks around, sounding a little distracted.

“It’s not much of a home anyway. He doesn’t live here most of the time,” Meng Yao explains as they head for the kitchen. “It has his private collection, a few personal belongings, and that’s it. He prefers to stay with friends or at hotels if he can. Check the fridge and you’ll see how bad it is.”

While Meng Yao pours himself a glass of water, Lan Xichen does check the fridge, and finds it predictably empty except for some forgotten leftovers. Sometimes, Meng Yao suspects that mister Shanzi doesn’t eat at all unless he has company.

After taking a moment to rest from the long trip, Meng Yao takes Lan Xichen toward the workshop in the basement, where he knows his employer usually keeps the best parts of his collection, fake and authentic paintings carefully divided according to a system he taught to Meng Yao.

It really feels more and more like a betrayal to be doing this, but Lan Xichen is glowing, and mister Shanzi will never know.

Meng Yao starts opening the door.

His blood turns to ice when he realises that there’s light inside the room.

He thinks, for a second, to stop and run away while he can, but it’s too late already. Lan Xichen would ask questions, and he wouldn’t like the answers. It could save him from also dealing with mister Shanzi’s fury at least, but even that won’t be afforded to him. When Meng Yao peaks inside, mister Shanzi’s swivel chair is turning toward the door, with mister Shanzi sitting crossed leg in it and looking curiously at the intruders.

It is painfully obvious that mister Shanzi isn’t expecting visitors. Instead of the polished outfits he favours in public, he’s wearing a pair of novelty boxers with emoji on them, and a hoodie two sizes too big with ink stains on the sleeves. His long hair isn’t in a neat braid, but in a messy bun held in place by some cheap chopsticks. In short, mister Shanzi doesn’t look like the refined young man he endeavours to be when he has to show his face somewhere, and more like a college student who has forgotten the taste of any food except instant noodle and energy drinks.

That impression is only made worse by the headphones he’s now lowering, and the game console on his lap. They must have caught him taking a break.

“Meng Yao, why are you…” mister Shanzi starts asking, unfolding his legs so he can stand up, only to interrupt himself when his gaze falls on Lan Xichen.

His hands start shaking, badly enough that his console falls from his grip and onto the floor, its screen cracking upon impact.

“You!” mister Shanzi gasps, eyes wide with terror.

#xisangyao #xiyao #lan xichen #jin guangyao #xisang #mostly just hinted but still #jau writes #counterfeit au #next chapter will probably be pretty short

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aboutlouishofmann · 4 years

Text

White Lies Magazine Interview with Louis Hofmann

How long are you in England for? I'm currently staying for six weeks, but I've already been here for five and a half so I'm only here for a couple more days before heading back to Germany for rehearsals for my next film.

Really, or did they kick you out because of Brexit ?

No they didn't (laughs) - and luckily there are no real changes until December so I can get in and out without a problem. I'm not exactly sure what will change for Germans anyway, if there are new regulations or if it will be the same in terms of travelling. It's gonna be really crappy for basically everyone leaving the UK - if you consider that someone who has a band for example and plays a tour around Europe will need to pay or be passport-controlled with their equipment every time they cross borders. It might not matter for a big band like Coldplay but small bands will have a lot of trouble with that.

Actually Coldplay has suspended their tours until they can find a way to make them sustainable.

I know and I think that is amazing!

How are you with environmentalism, are you active?

I wish I was more active to be honest, because I have a platform on Instagram which I could use a bit more - I'm just always quite scared when it comes to posting because I know that so many people then talk about it and judge me for what I have posted. l don't have an issue with taking a political side on an I think fairly easy topic to take sides on when it comes to the environment. But then again it's this general thing of posting something and l know 400.000 people will look at it or make up their mind about it - have an opinion and voice it. It's just something that scares me, so that is holding me back a bit but I'm trying a bit more.

Understood. But isn't it the same with doing a movie or starring in a TV series, you put it out there and everyone is going to judge you ? Even more people than just your followers as a matter of fact.

Of course. But that's my job. That's what I love to do, that's what I've chosen to do. I have not chosen to be someone who is followed by 400.000 people on Instagram, that sort of just happened.

It's a side effect.

It is and I am grateful for it but it also scares me (laughs).

That makes sense. But do you even realise how famous you are? I remember I walked into someone's house in Korea last year and they were watching "Dark" that very moment, all fans of yours.

I don't think I get it. No, I don't quite get it. When I talk to casting directors about my value on the English language market they will eventually tell me that it's not as profound as they want it to be to play a main role in an English language feature film. You have to separate between being known from something and being so known for quality that you have international value - having sort of a critical acclaim and value in different countries. I don't think I'm there yet and would only consider myself famous, which is already weird to discuss and acknowledge out loud. For now, to be fair, I'm just the guy from "Dark".

It did reach a bit of an iconic status though, also your character. Everyone is going to remember you for that yellow raincoat.

I hope they won't only remember me for only that (laughs).

Do you wear a yellow raincoat in private ?

No, there is no opportunity for me anymore to wear a yellow raincoat. It's not possible. But let's get back once more to environmentalism. One thing is stating your opinion on social media but the other thing is when it comes to acting myself, to change my daily life to help the environment. I would say I'm quite conscious about it and avoid flying and consuming local produce. Focus on quality and try to not waste products.

Who is inspiring you?

Leonardo Dicaprio for example. But I don't know if he necessarily acts himself that way, but he does something about speaking out about it - using his figure and position as an activist to talk about it. I quite like that.

He is doing one thing I could personally not do however. Speaking out for something and then doing the opposite in his private life. And that judgement is what I'm afraid of. I'm afraid of getting perceived as a hypocrite. But then again being perceived as that in terms of climate change doesn't really help because it needs to be spoken about and maybe you do not do as much as you talk about it. But at least you raise awareness and take even just a small part.

I absolutely agree. I think we need to re-think that whole concept of hypocrisy in this thing because if he reaches a couple of million people and they are changing something about it - even if he is doing the opposite - he is still doing a lot of good with it. Even though he is a hypocrite I think we need to redefine what it means - at the end of the day we will all be hypocrites because no one is really going to be able to live completely sustainably, we can't think in those absolute terms too much. Everyone needs to start with one thing - picking their battles. Focus on plastic for example, we may get better at disposing of it while still being bad in terms of traveling for example, but that is okay, we can only do one thing at a time.

Don't you think it's crazy that in relation to something like the coronavirus pandemic, pressing and tangible as it affects us now - everybody is afraid, everyone acts, the government acts and everyone is doing their part. Then there is climate change which is more intangible because it's still far away and people don't really care about it - I think this is a problem. Why only act about something that only affects yourself? It's quite selfish and stands for a lot more than only this.

That's it. We went really deep pretty quick didn't we? The most pressing question however is - how often do you cry watching movies ?

I do like to cry when I watch films, because I think I'm quite empathetic so I can relate to the characters a lot. I don't often do it but I really do not mind - it means I'm involved in the story. I like crying in movies. Therefore I know it has touched me somehow.

I have a weird relationship to crying in movies, I like doing it but there is a certain place where I cry much more easily - on planes. It's quite strange actually but I get very emotional when I'm up in the air.

That's good, I guess? Have you seen the film "Click"? It's not the greatest film out there, it's with Adam Sandler. But there is a scene in the end where he (spoiler alert) dies. There is a remote with which he can forward his life and he fasts forward to the moment when he dies. It's very dramatic, tragic - almost pathetic and still I started crying because I imagined that happening to me and felt so sad (laughs).

This is going to be the headline: Louis Hofmann, the guy who cries at Adam Sandler movies.

I can imagine you being the guy who would make a head- line like this.

Have you ever died in a movie?

[START OF SPOILER]

Yes, I've died in "Alone in Berlin" and also in "Prélude", where my character hangs himself in the end.

How was that for you?

I was not very attached to myself at that moment. I mean eventually it gets cut out. So the moment I actually die they cut off and it turns black. I still enacted the scenes but it was weird, it was more of a physical thing than an emotional one when I acted it. It's just sometimes with very physical scenes - the dynamic approach and action can be so mentally and intellectually exhausting that there is not much room left for emotional attachment. It didn't feel I was dying myself. It did hurt though, I had the rope around my neck.

[END OF SPOILER]

Good one. Do you believe in fairytales?

No I don't. But I do like "Bojack Horseman" though because it seems so dumb first but turns so philosophical.

In general, what is happiness to you?

I don't know what it means to me but I know when l feel happy - that's when I'm grounded, when I'm self-assured and when I feel like I'm really being myself. When I reach that state I feel happiness. Sharing that happiness with someone is what's most important. Happiness is truly being yourself.

Very profound answer. How is your work- life balance, are you always working?

I think it's quite okay. The only thing I kind of need to improve is that - when I work I work 100% and I tend to think about the year in little phases. I work then I'm free, then I work then I'm free. And I always only take really care of myself in the times when I have spare time. When I work my health and my hobbies - I just do not look at that. It's all about the work. I want to get somewhere where I can balance those things better.

The thing I really wanted to touch base with you on was the future of movies. We are talking about technology, virtual reality, 3D. Would you like to do some work in 3D?

I would only like to do something in 3D if the new technology elevates the film to another level and makes sense story-wise. I'm not a fan of it only if it looks good. If it helps the story to evolve into something bigger then it's okay. I'm an admirer of that old cinema look, of that really organic taste of a film. I don't know if I would like to act in a VR film. What I don't like about new technologies is that the acting itself and the characters and craft are kind-of left behind. In the foreground it's only the technique, the focus is too much on the visual aspects rather than the screencraft.

I totally understand what you're saying - but if you think about it this way now - people probably said the same thing about colour films in times of black/white films because colours took away the attention from the acting. I think it's about what we are used to. If we say in a couple of years it's normal to consume everything in 3D and VR, do we still think about that?

I mean it surely is incredible what they have achieved and still continue to achieve with 3D and VR. Remarkable how they portray an illusion and tell a story in such a unique and involving way. I'm just always afraid that if you want to tell a character based story with that technique, the characters and the acting will be left behind due to the sheer amount of attention the technical stuff needs from the cast and the team. But of course it's fascinating and intriguing. And since we sort of got used to seeing films in 3D, maybe that's also gonna happen to VR.

How do you think we will consume movies and series in 20 years or how does acting actually change? Looking at "Death Stranding", a video game by Hideo Koji-ma that stars an impressive cast with Mads Mikkelsen, Lea Seydoux and Norman Reedus, to name but a few. They are in this game as actors through 3D scanning. Imagine this fast-forwarded 20 years.

I really hope that traditional acting doesn't die. I don't know - in 30 years I'll probably think differently but right now I think you can not replace something natural with something computer-generated. If the technology evolves, maybe it will be possible.

Anyway, how does it feel like to see yourself in a sex scene?

(laughs) I've always said I separate myself from the character when I watch my films. It's the character who gets naked and has sex, it's not me. It's just when you are around people who you know personally, it might get awkward, for example with my mom. You just have to evaluate if nudity and sex is necessary for the story and the character - if it is, it's not tough to watch.

It's a powerful meditation on how to detach yourself from something, isn't it?

For sure, it doesn't always work though.

#Louis Hofmann #dark netflix #louishofmann #darknetflix #jonas kahnwald #jonaskahnwald

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atlafan · 4 years

Text

Tethered - Sneak Peek

Based off this ask.

a/n: this is going to be a doozy fam, the full thing is 27K. I really wanna take my time to proofread, so here’s the first few “pages” to hold you over. I’m hoping to post the full thing tomorrow if I can get it proofread tonight. Enjoy doctor!Harry!!

Becoming a pediatrician was no small feat. Four years for an undergraduate degree, perhaps in biology, or biochemistry, something of that nature, four years of medical school, and then five years of residency. Thirteen years total, and hundreds of thousands of dollars just so people will know you as doctor. But it was worth it, and not just because a person can get paid nearly $200K a year, although, that was pretty nice. No, it was worth it because a pediatrician got to spend the day with babies and kids, and even teenagers, who loved coming in for a checkup. Most kids loved going to the doctor. It was someone they knew well, someone they trusted, and someone to sneak them an extra piece of candy after a particularly difficult flu shot.

Dr. Harry Styles was just about thirty, and had gone into business with another doctor, Dr. Niall Horan, to open up their own pediatrics office. After their residency, they both agreed that smaller offices were better than working in a wing of a hospital. It was pretty easy to do, Harry had a friend from undergrad that he stayed close with who was a business major. She helped them with a business plan, with hiring, and even selecting a proper location for their practice. They wanted a space with a proper parking lot and all that.

It wasn’t difficult to keep patients, most of the parents that brought their kids to see Niall and Harry at the hospital followed them to their new practice. Word of mouth spread about the two handsome doctors with the accents, and the rest was history. They hired a couple of nurses, and a receptionist or two, and they were up and running with style. They had a nice little play area for kids, and a TV in the waiting area for everyone else.

Harry loved kids ever since he babysat them as a teenager. He knew from a young age he wanted to become a doctor of some kind, opting to take Latin in high school to get familiar with the terms earlier on. Pediatrics was guaranteed money, which was good because medical school is fucking expensive, and Harry had to take out loans to go to a good school. He sure as hell didn’t expect his mother to pay for it. Oh, and his mother was extremely proud of him, of course. As was his older sister, who, wasn’t doing so bad herself either, she was an Ecologist. Anne was amazed by both of her children, having zero idea where they got their brains from. The only thing she didn’t like about Harry’s career path was that he had to put so much on hold while he was in school. She felt like he didn’t really get to enjoy being young. Not that he would ever tell her, but he made plenty of time for fun when he was in school, even during his residency, he and Niall had plenty of fun.

“But when do you think you’ll find someone to settle down with?”

“Mum, I’m only going to be thirty, got plenty of time for that.”

“I’d like to be able to actually play with grand babies and not just be some old crone in a rocking chair.”

“You have two children, you know?”

“Funny, your sister says the same thing to me all the time.”

Harry was just happy he practiced his medicine in an entirely different country from where his mother lived. His sister wasn’t so lucky to be far away, she got the brunt of the married and kids talks. It’s not that Harry didn’t want those things, he did. It just wasn’t the right time. He finally felt like he could breathe. He only had to work four days a week, and he was finally getting his home in order. He just wanted to get settled before he started going out to try to meet someone.

* * *

It was an average Tuesday morning. Harry came in at 7:30AM, and said hello to his staff. It was Niall’s day off so he’d be holding down the fort, which he didn’t mind one bit. It was spring time which meant lots of kids had been coming in with sinus infections. Harry always felt horrible for them. He was alerted that his 10AM was in and waiting for him. He snags the chart and looks things over. It was a new patient, Michael Y/L/N, age two, both of his ears hurt. Harry sighs and goes into the room, putting on his best smile.

His eyes fall to the little boy sitting up straight on the bed, and then they fall to the woman sitting in the visitor’s chair next to the bed. She was wearing a white blouse, and a light pair of jeans, cuffed at the ankles. Her hair was up in a messy bun, and she had her hands folded in her lap. Her lips were painted red and her eyes were being illuminated by some faint eyeshadow and long lashes.

“Hello, I’m Dr. Styles.” He smiles at her.

“Hi, I’m Y/N, and this is Michael.”

The two shake hands. Harry extends his large hand out to Michael’s, and his little hand grasps it.

“Well, Michael.” Harry sits on the rolly chair and skootches closer to the bed. “What’s going on today?”

Michael looks at Y/N and then back to Harry.

“Go on, you can sort of speak.” She smiles at her son.

“My ears.”

“Both of them?” The boy nods at Harry.

“I think some water got in there during his last tubby, and we weren’t able to get it out.”

“Ah.” Harry stands up and grabs his otoscope. “Michael, may I check your ears?” Harry always liked to ask the kids if he could touch them before he did. It was a way to show them early on that their bodies were their own.

“Yes.”

“Thank you.” He smiles. He gently tilts Michael’s head so he can get a better look. He hums while he does so, and then steps to check his other ear. “Oh, yeah, they’re both infected.” He tells Y/N. “But not swimmer’s ear. Has he had ear infections before?”

“Yeah, a few. I think he has allergies. He gets them a lot in the spring.”

“The shape of his ear canal may have something to do with it as well. You may want to look into tubes down the line if this persists.”

“Aren’t those…” She looks at Michael and then back to Harry. “P-A-I-N-F-U-L?”

“They can be.” Harry chuckles. “They knock the kids out nowadays.”

Harry checks Michael’s nose and throat as well. Nothing out of the ordinary.

“I’m going to write him a prescription, and then I’d like him to come in for a follow up so we can get his ears cleaned out. I’d do it now, but I don’t want him to get irritated. I’ll put a prescription for some ear drops too. That’ll loosen a lot of the wax up that he doesn’t need. He’ll need to lay on his side when you put them in, and then you’ll want to stick a tissue under his ear for run off. Get some cotton balls too, so when he stands it won’t all fall out.”

“Alright.”

“Michael, I know you don’t feel well, but if mum says it’s okay, I have some candy that may lift your spirts.”

“Mumma?”

“Sure.” You smile.

Harry opens a cabinet and reveals a bucket of different chocolates and lollipops. Michael sticks his little hand in and takes out a kit kat.

“His favorite.” She tells Harry.

“Anything for mum?”

“Oh, no thank you.” She scoops up Michael in her arms. “What do we say to Dr. Styles?”

“Thank you.” He beams up at Harry.

“You’re more than welcome. Here’s his prescription.”

“Thank you, Dr. Styles.” She takes the small slip from him, and he notices she’s not wearing a wedding ring. Just a simple ring on her middle finger in the shape of a sunflower. “We’ll see you in a couple of weeks.”

“Wait, uh, will I be expecting you or…another guardian?”

She stops short with Michael in her arms. She turns to look at him and she smirks.

“I’m home with him during the day, so it’ll be me.”

He lets her leave after that. He goes behind the receptionist desk, where Joyce was sitting, to look into her file.

“You only have a few minutes before your next appointment. You’re swamped without Niall here.”

“Eileen can handle it f’me.” He searches for Michael’s information in one of the spare computer’s. “Ah! Seems like they just moved to the area from a couple hours away.”

“Who?”

“That woman and her son.”

“You really shouldn’t shit where you eat.” She shakes her head.

“Oh, stop. I was just curious is all.” He stands up from the computer. “A man can’t know where his patient is from?”

“He can…but the patient’s mother…?” She smirks at him.

Harry rolls his eyes and walks away from her, going to wash his hands to get ready for his next appointment.

He tossed and turned when he first got into bed that night. He couldn’t get her out of his mind. She didn’t really answer his question about whether or not there was another person in the picture. A lot of people didn’t get married these days, but they at least still wore some type of ring, didn’t they? He thought to maybe see if she had any social media, but knowing her full name was confidential, and he didn’t want to abuse his power.

#tethered #harry styles #harry styles one shot #harry styles imagine #harry styles fic #harry styles fanfic #doctor!Harry #doctorry #pediatrician!Harry #harry styles smut #harry styles fluff

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begluketostay · 4 years

Text

don’t wanna fall in love (c.h.)

summary: you don’t want to give him your heart but he already has it

author’s note: haven’t read the entire thing yet through and edited, so there may be some mistakes. just wanted to get this out there because i’m tired of staring at it :) also, ironically, i listened to the song wicked game by chris isaak on repeat while writing this but couldn’t name it that bc i named my last oneshot after wicked game by the weeknd oops

word count: 4038

You remember the night you met Cal.

He was all smiles and chubby cheeks and drunken happy dancing as you all celebrated the birthday of a friend.

You were used to meeting famous people - living in Los Angeles had made the glamour and shininess of celebrities wear off, and while you were starstruck your first couple years there, you were used to it now. Having friends in the music business gave you the in to meet so many people, and you often found they were just like everybody else, only they had a lot more money and the freedom to do whatever the fuck they wanted.

So having a half-drunken hookup with Calum wasn’t anything significant at the time. It was just like hooking up with anyone else.

Except that he actually called you like he said he would afterwards.

And then he started inviting you to more parties and kickbacks and hangouts.

And then you actually started getting kind of… attached.

It was foolish of you. While celebrities were like everyone else to you, they were different in one way: they were undateable. You’d sworn off ever getting into a relationship with a celebrity, especially any musicians, because you knew the paparazzi and the traveling and the pressure and the fans would be too much. It just wasn’t the lifestyle you wanted to commit yourself to forever.

That’s why you can’t stop feeling a twist in your stomach as Calum gets closer and closer to you, arms nearly touching as you’re all bunched up in the corner talking at another one of Ashton’s house parties. Luke says something dumb and everyone is laughing, but your head is somewhere else, fixating on the heat of Calum’s skin barely brushing yours and hoping that no one here can read minds or else you’re screwed.

Calum presses his elbow into your side, looking at you with his brows furrowed. “You good?” he mouths over the music, concern on his face. You’re normally pretty talkative, but you haven’t said a thing during this conversation.

You nod, taking a sip out of the beer in your hand and trying your hardest to focus on the discussion at hand as Luke and Sierra argue over who got the most drunk at Ashton’s last party.

“I’ll be right back,” you say before you sneak away to the kitchen, finishing off your beer and throwing it in the trash and opening the fridge to get a new one. You take a deep breath and try to collect yourself.

You know Calum is off limits to you, that it will only end in heartbreak for the both of you, and that you can’t let that happen. But it’s so hard to focus when he’s around you, and it’s almost like you’re starting to forget what would be so bad about getting your heart broken by him. You’d have the pleasure of having him for at least a little while.

A deep breath and another sip of beer has you feeling composed enough to go back and rejoin the circle of your friends, but they’ve dispersed now and you’re left trying to track down someone you know in the packed house.

A pair of arms wraps around you from behind, lifting you up in the air and swinging you around. Your squeals stop as soon as they put you down, and you already know that when you turn around you’re going to find a head of bleached blonde hair and full lips turned up in laughter.

“Cal!” you swat him, rolling your eyes. “You could’ve made me spill my beer,” you pout.

“Ah, but I didn’t,” he points out with a smirk on his face. “I’m talented at what I do.”

You smile unamused, shaking your head at him.

“You alright though? You looked a little out of it earlier,” he mentions.

“Yeah, just a bit tired. Long day at work,” you shrug, “but I didn’t wanna miss the party.”

He studies you, seeing the tired lines under your eyes and wishing that he could make them disappear. He knows how hard you work and how important your job is and thinks that it’s so badass that you do what you do. He thinks it’s badass that even though you have such a hard job, you can still outdrink the rest of them and light up the room when you walk in.

“Wouldn’t be a party without you,” he nods. “That’s why I noticed ya when we first met. You were the life of the party.”

You can see the truth in his eyes as he speaks and it makes you want to melt into him. He makes it so hard to resist him.

“Oh, shut up,” you groan, bumping your shoulder against his playfully.

After a while, people are starting to leave, slowly trickling out until it’s only those who are close friends left in the living room, sitting on the couches and so deep in conversation that they don’t even notice the room emptying out.

“I’m not ready to go home,” Calum sighs, looking around. “I get a little lonely after drinking so much wine. Not totally sure I should be going home and sitting in the dark,” he admits, eyes flickering to yours to try and gauge your reaction.

You kick the ground with the toe of your shoes, trying to decide if you should offer him to join you tonight, not sure if it would be a good idea. But when you look up and see those chocolate eyes, genuine hesitation and loneliness in them, you don’t care if it’s a bad idea anymore. You want to protect him from all things sad.

“You could come to mine for a bit?” you suggest, biting your lip. “We can watch a movie or something maybe,” you shrug. His eyes light up with warmth at the offer. He nods.

“Alright.”

--------------------

You pop open a bottle of red wine as you and Calum settle on the couch, pouring each of you a glass to sip on as he searches for something to put on the tv. His arms flex just slightly each time he clicks on the remote and you can’t peel your eyes off of him. You look up and realize he’s turned towards you, asking your opinion on a show, and you know he’s caught you staring by the way the end of his sentence just kind of fades out. His eyes are latched onto you now.

The air feels like it’s thickening around you and you can’t bring yourself to tear your eyes away from him. It was much easier when the two of you weren’t alone in the silence of your empty apartment.

“You’re something else tonight,” Calum bites his bottom lip and shakes his head. “God, you know exactly what you do to me.”

“What do I do to you?” you ask.

“Make it feel like all the air is sucked out of the room,” he admits. “Like I can’t breathe.”

You adjust yourself in your seat, looking down at the floor. You know where this is going to go, and you’re not sure you can handle it if it does.

“Yeah?”

“Yeah,” he affirms. “Ever since I met you. God, you don’t even realize how you are,” he laughs. “You light up the room when you walk in. Can’t ever keep my eyes off you.”

He’s spent weeks thinking about your drunken hookup, wishing he had been softer and sweeter and savored your lips on his body. Wishing he’d gotten you out of the dress you’d been wearing and been able to see you and feel you all the way. There were so many things he’d have done differently now.

“You don’t care that I’m famous or that I have money or any of that shit. You still call my ass out and put me in my place and drive me crazy,” he chuckles. “I’ve been trying to make moves for weeks now and you keep pulling away from me and acting like we’re just friends, but I... I can’t be just friends with you.”

You bite your lip, not sure how to answer him. You know that what you want, more than anything in this moment, is him.

But it’s not that simple.

Your last heartbreak was so hard to get over. It took months and months of tears and distractions and drunken nights out at bars and fake smiles to get you to a point where you could even live your life normally again. And you already liked Calum more than it was healthy, way more than you’d ever liked any boy this early on.

You knew if you gave in, if you let him in, that he would have the total power to absolutely wreck you. He’d be able to crumple your heart in his fist and throw it away. It was terrifying.

And you knew how much he’d be on the road, especially having just released an album. As soon as he’d get back home, he’d have to be busy in the studio. Every time the two of you would go out, there would be pictures and camera flashes and crazy fans. You’d have to put your social media on private and remember how to calculate time zone differences and become best friends with facetime and heartache.

The soft, hesitant touch of Calum’s hands against your face bring you back to the present. The calluses on his palm are rough against your cheek and you fight off a shiver as your eyes go to his. There’s a softness in them, and you’ve never seen Calum look so… afraid.

“I really like you,” he murmurs. “I know it’s scary.”

You nod in agreement. It is scary.

He hasn’t dated anyone in a long time. It wasn’t because he hadn’t wanted to or he didn’t have the opportunity - there were plenty of decent girls that he’d crushed on over the years. But he didn’t want to put them through the pain of dating him. He knew that there were a lot of unfair things that came with a relationship with him. He felt guilty and ashamed asking someone to deal with all the baggage of loving someone always on the road.

You nod.

“I know it’s not fair of me to ask you for anything. I know I’ll be gone a lot and it’s not ideal. But I really like you.”

You sigh, closing your eyes as his fingers trace patterns on the skin behind your ears comfortingly. He’s so soft and safe and cozy, even when his shirt smells like beer and his heart is racing.

“I don’t wanna fall in love,” you whisper. Your eyes are still closed at your confession, and you feel so small and vulnerable. “I know you’ll be able to break my heart and I know I won’t recover if you do.”

He shifts and pulls you closer to him until your face is in his neck and your knees are curled up in his lap. No words are exchanged as the two of you sit in the quietness of your living room, breathing in each other’s air.

“I won’t break your heart,” he murmurs against the top of your head. His hand is moving up and down your back slowly, heating your entire body with every movement. “Wouldn’t be able to forgive myself if I did.”

“No one ever means to break someone’s heart,” you say.

“I know,” he kisses the top of your head.

And then he kisses the top of your ear, and your cheek, and his hand lightly grips your chin and tilts you up to face him before he kisses you right on the lips.

He’s soft and sweet and the opposite of everything he was the last time he kissed you. There’s no rush now, and you’re both filled with red wine instead of vodka, soft and sleepy as your lips meet over and over again.

He pulls you into his lap, your legs wrapping around his waist as he lets his fingers trail up and tangle themselves in your hair. You let yourself relax into him, his tongue parting the seam of your lips and you open your mouth to him, letting him explore you. Instead of rough tongues battling for dominance like last time, it’s a timid exploration. He wants to memorize what every part of you feels like.

One of his hands lowers until it slides down into the back pocket of your jeans, cupping the curve of your backside and holding on tightly. You arch your back against him, and he moves his mouth from your lips to your neck, pulling you close until your chest is pressed flush against him and his teeth nip at your throat.

Ever so slowly, he plants kisses all the way down your throat, soft and light against your skin, until he reaches your collarbone, leaving little marks against you as he goes.

“Please,” he whispers against your skin, and you can feel every movement of his lips brush against your chest. “Tell me you want me.”

“Cal -” you start.

“No,” he whispers, cutting you off. “Don’t think about anything else. Think about right now. Do you want me?”

You grasp at the short hair on his head, pulling on it to raise his head to look at you. You nod, and that’s the only answer he needs. He reaches behind you and grabs the bottom of your top, pulling it over your head swiftly before he reattaches his mouth to your chest, suckling the skin exposed by the top of your bra as you hold him close. Warm fingers dig into the skin of your back, feeling around for the clasp of your bra and unhooking it. Slowly, gingerly, he slides the straps down your arms and drags the fabric off of you.

There’s a breeze across your chest and you feel even more exposed and vulnerable, but it feels right to open yourself up to him like this. He lips close around a nipple, tongue swirling it over and you throw your head back, mouth open as you hold back soft whimpers.

His hands are moving all over you, desperate to feel every inch of you before you change your mind. You reach down and yank his shirt off to you and press your bodies together to feel the warmth of the skin to skin contact, lips meeting once again as he reaches down to unbutton your jeans. Legs still wrapped around his waist, he stands and rushes to your bedroom, barely able to get the door open in his frenzy.

You’re laid down on the bed and he’s hovering over you, unzipping you and pulling the jeans carefully down, pressing soft kisses on the skin of your legs as it becomes exposed. Once the fabric is finally off, he makes his way back up, stopping to press his lips softly over the center of your underwear, just barely enough pressure for you to feel it, but it’s enough to send goosebumps across your body.

Lips meet again in a tangled frenzy, soft and slippery and yearning for each other, and you don’t even take the time to breathe between kisses anymore. It’s getting frantic and desperate and you’re not sure how much longer you can keep your hands off of him. Your nails scratch down his back as his mouth engulfs you and his arms wrap around your waist, pulling you as close as he can possibly get you.

“You want me?” he asks again, breathless and lust-filled. You nod again, but that’s not enough for him this time. “Say it,” he commands. “Say you want me.”

“I want you,” you breathe.

“How badly?” he continues.

Truthfully, you want him so badly it feels like you could burst. So you grab the back of his neck and try to pull him back to you, hips lifting upwards desperate for contact. He pulls away, unsatisfied.

“How badly?” he repeats, pushing your hips down against the mattress.

“So bad, Cal,” you sigh. “Please - just c’mere,” you practically beg, still trying to pull his face back to yours.

Content with that answer, he kisses you again, but his hand is snaking down and teasing you over your underwear with light, delicate touches. You moan out, and his pants get a little tighter just from hearing you.

His fingers dance over the skin of your inner thighs, leaving ghosts of traces where you want him most until you’re almost writhing beneath him.

“Please,” you whimper again, and it spurs him on enough to finally add some pressure, pushing down and rubbing on the little bundle of nerves right below the only fabric you’re wearing.

He yanks your underwear off impatiently now and lets his fingers explore the most secret part of you, feeling the wetness on your outer lips before spreading them and collecting more of the juice on his fingers. You’re moaning and he’s moaning and you’re both lost in the exploration of your body.

He reaches a hand up slowly and sucks on his fingers, tasting you for the first time. You watch as his lips pucker around his fingers and he takes them out, holding them up to your lips right after for you to do the same thing. It’s strangely arousing, tasting yourself and his mouth at the same time, and it feels so intimate.

When he pulls his fingers out of your mouth, he presses his forehead against yours and kisses the tip of your nose so lightly. “So pretty,” he murmurs, and the moment is so soft and tender and it feels like time has frozen and then suddenly his fingers are back against you and moving in fast circles until you’re left unable to breathe.

“Oh my god,” you gasp when he slowly plunges his fingers into you, moving around and stretching you out. He’s slow and steady, curling his fingers and testing different methods until you grab onto his arm, nails digging into the skin, and moan loudly, mouth thrown open and back arched, and he knows he’s found the right spot.

His arms are flexing deliciously, muscles and veins popping out, as he continually hits that spot inside you with his fingers, watching eagerly as you become more and more unhinged and desperate beneath him.

You’re still holding back, and he can tell. “C’mon,” he mumbles against you. “It’s okay, I’m right here. Let go,” he encourages you, and it’s what you need, because you’re becoming undone and gasping and groaning and writhing and he’s never seen anything more beautiful in his life than this.

“Good girl,” he kisses your forehead and you slump against the mattress, skin growing sticky with sweat.

“Cal,” you whisper, reaching for him until he brings his lips back to yours. You wrap your arms around him and feel his skin beneath the palms of your hands, craving his touch. His pants are still on, but you’re determined to change that as you reach to undo them, attempting to pull them off his hips, but he stands up and gets them off himself. Much faster that way.

He’s rock hard from the show you’ve put on and desperate to get inside you. He pushes away your hands and positions himself right above you, lining himself up.

“I wanna do it right this time,” he says seriously, looking you in the eyes and swallowing. “Wanna go slow. ‘S that okay?”

You close your eyes, so ridiculously turned on by the fact that he wants to go slowly and carefully with you, heart fluttering at the effect this boy has on you. You nod and moan as you feel him against you, coating himself in your juices before slowly pushing in. You feel every inch of him as he lets his hips move forward, both of your mouths hanging open as you take it in.

“Feel so fucking good,” he groans lowly, stopping once his entire length is inside you and breathing. You’ve never felt this full before. He pauses there for a moment to allow you to adjust to all the stretching before he starts to move, pulling his hips back before rolling them forward again.

He reaches for your hands and pins them above your head, fingers intertwined as he continues his movements, rocking in and out of you at a steady rhythm.

This is the opposite of the last time he had been inside you. Before it was frantic and drunk and sloppy, but this time it was calm, careful.

You feel so safe with him, engulfed in his body as he shows you how much he wants you in the best way he knows how. Your foreheads press together and your arms wrap around his back, pulling his chest up against yours as you both lose yourselves in each other, panting and crying out as you reach your highs.

He rolls off of you, pulling you to the side to curl up next to him, not wanting to break the contact between you even though you’re both covered in sweat. When you look at him, you agree that it does feel like all of the air is sucked out of the room, just like he said.

You know it’s too late to keep your heart out of it now. It’s already too late. You know that you’ll break your own heart if you try to stop what’s already started now, so you have no choice to give in.

“Don’t break me,” you whisper against him.

“Never,” he smiles softly, kissing the top of your head and closing his eyes, happy with you in his arms.

------------------------------

You smile at your phone as Calum’s face pops on the screen, your nightly FaceTime waiting.

It’s been hard with him on tour, especially with your relationship being so new, but it’s been okay so far. You miss him at night, having gotten used to him staying over each night for the few weeks before he left, and he misses waking up next to you in the morning instead of in a new hotel bed, cold and alone.

The FaceTimes were holding both of you over for now until he flew you out for one of the shows in the next few weeks.

“Hey,” Calum’s bright smile filled your screen, camera way too close to his face. “There’s my girl,” he smiles softly, proud to be able to call you that.

“Of course,” you respond, pushing the hair out of your face as you look into the camera and examine yourself. Your eyes look happier. You can tell. “What are you up to?”

He raises the camera and shows the room he’s sitting in, plopped on a couch by himself as the boys are messing around in the background. “Just got to the venue for tonight, we’re just setting some things up,” he says. You can see Luke and Michael play fighting behind Calum and laugh.

“Seems like you guys are having fun,” you chuckle as Michael falls to the ground overdramatically.

Calum nods as he looks over at his friend, but gets up off the couch and moves out of the room, walking to what looks like an empty concrete hallway. “Yeah, it’s fun,” he says, “but I miss ya. Wish you were here to make it more fun.”

“Just a couple more weeks,” you sigh.

“Thanks for putting up with me traveling and the phone calls at weird hours and the sporadic texts,” he mumbles, still feeling guilty.

“Hey,” you coo. “Don’t apologize. It’s worth it.”

You know in your heart that it is worth it, that he’s worth it and your relationship is worth it. You’ve fully accepted that he has your heart and all the power to break it, but you trust that he won’t.

And Calum knows as he looks at the sparkle in your eye and feels his heart pang in his chest that he won’t ever break your heart.

He knows that if he breaks your heart, his would break as well. So for now, you’d just have to trust each other and finally let yourselves fall in love.

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media-on-the-mind101 · 4 years

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Turtles All the Way Down: OCD and Generalized Anxiety Disorder (Book)

* May contain spoilers*

I recently finished reading Turtles All the Way Down by John Green, and it is now one of my favorite novels. The story hit me close to home because it deals with a disorder that I was diagnosed with. I thought writing an article about it would be a good way to educate you readers, while also sharing a little bit about myself.

Turtles All the Way Down is story about a teenage girl named Aza Holmes who suffers from OCD or Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. The story shows how the disorder impacts her daily life as well as her relationships. Because the author suffers from the disorder in real life, the depiction is fairly accurate. However, I spotted a few things that might suggest a whole different diagnosis whatsoever. The story also covers Aza’s treatment which I felt was missing a lot of important things.

According to the DSM 5 (Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders) Obsessive Compulsive Disorder is a disorder where a person gets caught in a cycle of obsessions and compulsions. Obsessions are intrusive thoughts that trigger distressing feelings, while compulsions are repetitive behaviors that are performed to relieve anxiety or prevent something bad from happening. OCD is often confused with OCPD (Obsessive Compulsive Personality Disorder) which is characterized by extreme perfectionism, order, and neatness. OCPD is often portrayed as OCD in the media which means that stereotypical OCD is really OCPD.

While Aza does have obsessions that involve cleaning, they are more about health and less about being organized. People with OCD often have a specific thing they worry about, and for Aza it is contracting an infection from a parasite called C-diff which essentially causes food poisoning and stomach damage. While she doesn’t really do anything to neutralize or cancel her thoughts out, she repeatedly reads articles online and uses hand sanitizer to relieve her anxiety.

As you may already have figured out, people with OCD often have illogical thought patterns and they are fully aware of it. But their anxiety makes them perform their compulsion anyway “just to make sure.” This is seen in the book when Aza drinks a bottle of hand sanitizer to insure that all bad bacteria inside her body are cured. Of course we all know, that drinking hand sanitizer would actually be more harmful then helpful.

“Drinking hand sanitizer is not going to make you healthier, you crazy fuck. But they can talk to your brain. THEY can tell your brain what to think, and you can’t. So, who’s running the show? Stop it, please (pg. 210).

In this scene, Aza knows that drinking hand sanitizer is actually more harmful then helpful, but she feels as if something is controlling her brain. The “they” refers to her OCD and she tells it to stop but isn’t able to control it.

While reading the book, I noticed that some of Aza’s symptoms don’t quite fit the diagnosis of OCD, such as her feeling of not knowing if she is awake or dreaming, real or non-existent. In one chapter she says the following:

“the pressing of my thumbnail against my fingertip had started off as a way of convincing myself that I was real . . . every time I thought maybe I wasn’t real, I would dig my nail into my fingertip, and I would feel the pain, and for a second I’d think, Of course I’m real” (pg.106).

The feeling of disconnect she has from her own body and surroundings are actually symptoms of DDD (Depersonalization - Derealization Disorder). According to the DSM, the disorder is characterized by persistent feelings of being a stranger to yourself or your surroundings. According to Psychology Today, however, you have to have no signs of other mental illness that can explain your symptoms, in order to be diagnosed with DDD. This is when diagnosing a patient becomes challenging; so many disorders can have similar symptoms or be co-morbid with each other that it they can difficult to differentiate.

The other symptom I noticed that is actually its own disorder, is the fact that Aza has a habit of digging her nail into her fingertip to the point where her finger becomes scarred. While picking of the skin is often comorbid with OCD, it is actually a separate disorder called excoriation disorder or dermatillomania. According to mhanational.org, this disorder is characterized by picking of the skin that creates skin lesions and that causes disruption in everyday life. It is true that the disorder falls under the category of obsessive compulsive disorders in the DSM, but excoriation disorder is not the same as OCD.

Now we’ve defined what OCD is, but another important part of how the book portrays it is in the treatment. According to Mayoclinic.com, the most common treatments for OCD include CBT (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy), exposure therapy, and medications such as SSRIs (Selective Serotonin Reuptake Inhibitors). These are the treatments that I had during my childhood, and they have been statistically proven to be very effective.

In the book Aza sees a therapist and takes medication, but she doesn’t get exposure therapy, one of the main treatments for OCD. Aza mainly gets CBT which is essentially talk therapy, but she is not forced to face her obsessions without performing her compulsions. An example of this would be touching a dirty substance and then forcing herself not to take out her phone or use hand sanitizer.

The last important thing is how OCD effects a peoples relationships. Throughout the story, the characters in Aza’s life talk about how hard she is to deal with. One scene toward the end really emphasizes the importance of this issue. In this scene, Aza and her best friend Daisy get into an argument because Daisy feels that Aza is too self-centered.

She says “and you’re so, like, pathologically uncurious that you don’t even know what you don’t know.” And later she adds “I don’t mean that you’re a bad friend or anything. But you’re slightly tortured, and the way you’re tortured is sometimes also painful for, like, everyone around you”(pg. 216).

Daisy is frustrated because she feels like Aza is so caught up in her own thoughts that she never shows any interest in the lives of others. When she says Aza is “tortured” and it makes it painful for everyone around her, this shows just how much her illness impacts her relationships with other people. Basically, people find her difficult to be around because they, in a sense, have to experience everything with her and they begin to lose patience. At the end of this scene, the two girls get into a car accident because they weren’t paying attention to the road.

Aza’s other important relationship in the story is with is Davis, who is like a friend with benefits. The reason he never becomes Aza’s boyfriend is because of her social anxiety and fear of contamination that prevents her from being physically close to people.

“I enjoyed being with him more in this nonphysical space, but I also felt the need to board up the windows of myself. Me: I feel kinda precarious in general, and I can’t really date you. Or date anyone. I’m sorry but I can’t. I like you, but I can’t date you” (pg. 162).

I this scene, Aza reveals that she communicates better online then in person and this suggests that she has some form of social anxiety.

Another scene tells us just how much her fear of germs effects her life: “billions of people kiss and don’t die just make sure his microbes aren’t going to permanently colonize you come on please stop this . . . then you’ll get C. diff and boom dead in four days please fucking stop just kiss him JUST CHECK TO MAKE SURE. I pulled away” (pg. 152).

In this scene, Aza has difficulty being physically intimate with Davis because her fear of germs prevents from enjoying it like most people would. Based on this fact, we could predict that Aza will have difficulty in her future relationships because of her mental illness and this is a great example of how it effects people in real life.

As I mentioned in the beginning of this article, the author John Green himself suffers from OCD. Compared to his own experiences, the book is pretty similar. Like the main character, Green suffers from obsessions about contamination. In an episode of the Vlogbrothers Youtube channel, Green explains that

“I might worry out of nowhere that my food is contaminated or somehow poisoned and then somehow suddenly that will be the only thought I'm able to think . . . I can lose all control over my thoughts for an extended period of time to the extent that I can't follow what's happening in a TV show or read a book.” (Green).

*John Green, author of Turtles All the Way Down*

So like Aza, he worries about contamination to the point where he can’t focus on anything else. He also has the same kinds of thought spirals :

“the compulsive behaviors I use to cope with these obsessive thought spirals, repeatedly checking my food for contamination, for instance, or spending hours Googling what will happen to me if I eat moldy bread.” (Green).

As you can see, the characters compulsion of checking in internet comes straight from the author’s real life experience. According to the New York Times, John Green developed the disorder at around seven years old and eventually got it under control with the right medication and CBT. It was not said weather or not he underwent exposure therapy. So the treatment that Aza receives is based on the way some treatments work in real life.

While reading Turtles All the Way Down I often found myself feeling nostalgic because my own experience with OCD is very similar. Although I do not have an obsession with a specific thing like Aza does, I have the same types of intrusive thoughts. I also have similar compulsions to seek reassurance from the internet or other people about my health, as well as other compulsions to neutralize, or cancel out my thoughts.

Because I had Tourette Syndrome (a neurological disorder that causes physical impulses) as a child, I developed what is called Tourettic OCD. It is pretty much exactly what it sounds like; Tourette Syndrome and OCD combined. The reason this occurs in some individuals is because the ability to filter out and thoughts and the impulse to move, take place in the same brain area, the basal ganglia. As a result of this, my compulsions tend to be more physical, such as moving my eyes excessively whenever I see negative words in a book, or someone getting sick in a movie.

Like Aza, I went through CBT but I also went through several years of exposure therapy and I take an SSRI in conjunction. I think exposure therapy is a very important part of the treatment of disorders such as OCD and PTSD and I was disappointed that the book did not include it. I think that if you are going to educate a person about disorder, then you have to educate them about the treatment as well. In conclusion, Turtles All the Way Down was a great novel that captured OCD more accurately then any movie I have seen. The fact that the author has the disorder makes it all the more realistic and personal, and I have to say as a person with OCD and a psychology major, I was quite pleased with the way the character was portrayed. The story may have been missing a few important elements but overall it provided a realistic way of educating people about the disorder.

#john green #turtles all the way down #ocd #mental health #mental illness #books and literature #psychology

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