#I may sound like a broken record but I think it's about time I updated this to be very obvious on how I feel about all this

[archiisfandomstuff]

Watchting marble hornets rn (like the entries on youtube) hopefully this won't alter my brain chemistry or some shit cause I know that mh and creepypasta are somehow link (idk they seem to share a few characters like hoodie, masky, and slenderman from who I know) and we already know I haven't been able to escape that shit for the past almost four years now.

will update later

read at your own risk. this just turned into me recording all of my thoughts n shit

currently at entry #5 and does not seem to have much if anything to do with mh but rather it's creator. Entries #1 , #4 & seem to have the most horror esce (?) shit to them

Entry #6: What the ever loving fuck is going on here??? What is Mr. Clean doing, the big ol' stalker? very confused but intrigued.

Entry #11 is bothering me cause I can't find the "close encounter Alex missed" with who I am assuming is slenderman like no fucking wonder Alex missed it, I can't find this mf either

I'm guessing that this is some arg type shit. My guess as someone who takes a while to formulate proper explanations that I do not care to formulate rn and am going off of a vague idea based off of the little information I've been given is that this whole thing is an arg thingy named after the fake movie the characters are creating in where it is the origin story for the characters (Tim/Hoodie and Brain/Masky) I (we ig but I really never had much interest in them so idk much) know. Tell me if I am like astronomically off or smth.

So Tim is literally just A Guy? Dude has like no plot relevance. Why are y'all hyping him up so much????

I hope Jay realizes he is literally entering. No breaking though, some idiot left the door unlocked.

homeboy fell to the ground coughing and got up like "Nah, no time for dying, gotta unlock the door with a deadbolt." fucking idiot, dude is gonna die so bad

"I may go back eventually" DO NOT GO BACK YOU DUMBASS

ALEX WTF DON'T DO THAT JUMPSCARE SHIT TO ME I CAN DO GORE I CANNOT DO JUMPSCARES BITCH

NVM IT'S BRIAN BUT STILL DON'T DO THAT MAN

Jay's lungs are still dying good to know

Entry #19: OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT MASKY YOU BITCH WTH BRIAN OMGGGGGGGGGGGG THIS SHIT IS SO COOL THOUGH NGL

Wait did I fuck up who is who? Is Tim Masky and Brian Hoodie. That sounds correct now that I think of it. Eh, fuck it, I ain't editing shit.

How the fuck is Jay not dead as hell yet? Mf has plot armor never seen before. "Ima just break into this house here, steal shit, GO BACK, get attacked, and continue pursuing this shit." BITCH YOU GON DIE

JAY STOP GOING BACK TO THE HOUSE IT IS NOT YOUR ONLY OPTION HOLY SHIT YOU DUMB FUCK

Have you even seen a character so fucking dumb they just disappoint you? That is how I currently feel about Jay. "Oh shit, I just saw the masked guy who attacked me and broke into my home. Let's fucking chase him."

"I am never going back to that house again." FUCKING FINALLY BITCH

oh shit someone is fucking with the cameras

wtf does totheark mean or stand for???

Rip Jay's apartment

Entry #26 was definitely something. So, Alex is alive, has a roommate or two, has managed to evade Slenderman for a while judging by the fact that his appearance was surprising to both Amy (idk who she is but I can tell she has no knowledge of what is going on) and Alex himself. Jay, this is clearly a trap, idiot. But, I understand falling for it ig.

Jay is the main character. He is still alive and I have no clue how but i do wanna know what happened in those seven months.

WHO IS JESSICA??????

omg poor jessica (assuming she is telling the truth)

MASKY YOU SON OF A BITCH

updates will stop for now because it's getting late and I'm pretty sure I have shit to do tomorrow (can't actually remember) gonna continue watching. I left off on Entry #34

We back

Tim "I may have had my leg broken by a paranoid film student, but I shall continue to torment his best friend" Wright.

Alex is suspicious as fuck. Calling it rn, he did or is doing something.

Still do not trust Alex like holy shit dude. Jessica, run, you want no part of this bullshit. Run, girl, run!

I am very confused as to what is going on w8th Tim, but I know that mf can run, lucky bitch.

With the rate that these mfs are falling to the ground in coughing fits, you'd think that Slenderman causes asthma not insanity. Also, wtf was Tim doing there. I originally thought this guy had no plot relevance.

TIM'S STALKING COMING IN CLUTCH OMG BEAT HIS ASS TIM

Gotta stop for a bit again cause I'm doing stuff with my family for a bit. Be back later

OMG I'M DUMB TOTHEARK IS TO THE ARK WHY DID THAT TAKE ME SO DAMN LONG I THOUGHT IT WAS LIKE TO THEARK OR SOME SHIT IDK

OMG TIM NO THIS ISH'T YOUR FAULT SLENDERMAN IS JUST A RAT FACED BITCH

Why has Brian only crimes (from what I can remember) been like, so tame compared to what you would expect? This motherfucker seems to be routing for Tim and Jay, I think. "Wipe that stupid smile off your face." Alex says, referencing how, apparently, Brian was smiling at the knowledge that Alex cannot find Tim and Jay. Idk, I like hi so far even if the whole stalking thing ain't really my jam.

JESSICA MY GIRL NOOOOOOOO OMG NO

That was a shit show. BUT MY GIRL IS ALIVE I THINK AND THAT'S AWESOME.

FUCK ALEX FUCK SLENDERMAN LONG LIVE (RIP) THE HOLY TRINITY OF BRIAN TIM AND JAY IDC WHAT CRIMES THEY'VE DONE AT LEAST THOSE MFS TRIED TO FIGHT IT AND LING LIVE JESSICA THE MF WHO DIDN'T DESERVE ANY OF THIS SHIT (NONE OF THEM DID) I LOVE HER SM

I HAVE FINISHED MARBLE HORNETS NOW PREPARE TO SUFFER CAUSE I'M OBSESSED

[mewkwota]

To keep something very clear:

My Castlevania works are not related to Netflixvania at all.

I strongly dislike that adaptation, and am very uncomfortable with the thought of what I draw for this series being grouped alongside it. Moreso, I am not interested in any discussion on NFCV period, please keep that topic to your own spaces and away from mine.

While I cannot stop you from interpreting my work as you wish, I can keep you from looking at it if I were to find out.

Thanks for your understanding.

[infamous-if]

Dec ✮ 12 ✮ 2024 – update

Part of me hates doing these mostly because it's a whole lotta nothing and me just repeating everything I said the last update (lol) but I do like doing it because I like keeping people updated, even if it's a non-update. I may sound like a broken record (pun not intended) but I know a lot of people don't catch my updates every time so it's nice to just keep people informed yk yk

✮ — Part 2 + rewrite

Fun fact: I had written an entire essay about my excitement for the rewrite and chapter 3 and beyond but it got too long!

It boiled down to me wondering why I'm so excited for this rewrite and realizing it's because I feel comfortable enough to approach it with complete creative freedom. I wrote the first iteration of the demo with the constant worries swimming in my head like "I hope people understand what I'm trying to say here" and "I hope this situation is being read the way I intended for it to be read." And I think I sort of had those thoughts tenfold while writing Part 2. If you paid attention, you can probably see where I was trying to shut down certain discussions in the narrative lmao

Recently I had a tiny epiphany and reminded myself that it's not always about what I intend to write, but what is being understood by each reader. And yes this is basic writing 101 but let me have this moment of clarity okay. Embracing that means I can proceed with Infamous without holding back and sticking to my guns in regards to what I want for this story aka I'm just going to write what I write and like....not worry about the rest you feel (while of course integrating the common critiques and suggestions and improving on the things Infamous falls short in—I am not Shakespeare lmao)

ANYWAY my point is that I'm excited to fix up the demo !!! and just go back to it with complete confidence in myself and write whatever the heck feels right to me (and write the rest of the story lolol) and return with a better story than I have now for everyone!!

✮ — December will be for

planning what I'm going to improve and squeezing that in a reworked outline so it can flow much better narratively.

Outlining Chapter 3 and hopefully have the bare bones first draft drafted up which is mostly just be writing blocks of descriptions

I'm not sure I'll have anything substantial to justify looking for beta testers so soon yet but maybe!

work on my spice writing babey writing/reading spice makes me actually physically recoil but im determined to get better! which reminds me to finish the 6k follower gifts!

And also take a small breather because I am moving!

✮ — Patreon

I've already mentioned this on Patreon and a few times on here, but I do want to reiterate that Patreon content is coming out in bulk this month, in case anyone was wondering why I'm not posting as frequently. The content is still the same in terms of the quantity, it just won't be released every few days! thank you guys for being understanding of that <3

✮ —

My activity has is decreasing little by little due to my move but I do read every question and try to at least answer one question a day. I get quite a few mentions lately so I have to sort through those since I do get tagged in things, but I miss them due to my notifications. Usually I hope for the best and hope tracking the tag puts it on my dashboard <3 im not ignoring anyone!

That's all for now! Hope everyone has a happy December and Happy Holidays!

[outofgloom]

WITHOUT FACES, WITHOUT EYES

The tone sounded in the deep tunnel, and the Turaga scratched his head with puzzlement. He was sure the council hadn’t ordered any new workers. He checked the piles of tablets stacked along the walls. Yes, the last order was not for some months. Nevertheless, the Rala was winding up. 

He sighed and set his lightstone in its niche as the tone sounded again, then took up his position on the special stool at one side of the tunnel, just beyond the dividing line, which even Turaga may not cross.

If it wasn’t a new order of Matoran, then that could only mean…Well, he’d find out soon enough. Deep in the earth, down the tunnel, there were halting footsteps. Just a single pair. The elder leaned forward, squinted into the dark. Two eyes glowed, and a small figure stepped forward, hand braced against the slanting wall. A Po-Matoran.

"Well, come along on then," the Turaga said kindly, gesturing to the Matoran. "Let’s get you registered and on your way."

The Matoran stepped over the dividing line and moved toward the Turaga’s stool obediently. The Turaga picked up a tablet and prepared to carve a new name, then stopped.

"Oh, you have a name already, I see," he said, surprised. "Pawha, is it?" That was a knack of his, knowing the names. Didn't even have to look them up.

The Matoran nodded. He still had not spoken. 

"Well, now it makes sense, I suppose. Let’s see, where did I put the other tablet…There. Now, Pawha, tell me where did you, uh…Ahem, where did you die?"

The Matoran shook his head.

"Come now, I know it was probably a shock, but it’s done now. All mended. If you can tell me where, I’ll get the records updated and we can get on with the day."

"Po…" the Matoran said haltingly, each syllable an effort. "Po-Metru. Statue Fields."

"Something wrong with your voicebox?"

"Some-thing…something wrong."

"That’s what I asked."

"Tu…Turaga."

"Yes? Well?"

"Turaga, I…fell."

"Ah, that’s what did it, then?"

"I fell…and…and…"

"And then you were back here, yes? It’s a quick process. No more than an hour or two of work-time lost though. Don't ask me how it works--we're not meant to know everything!"

"No. I was not here. I was…in the dark."

"Down the tunnel, remember? It’s dark down there, and then you just walk toward my lightstone here and–"

"Not there, no. Not that dark. Another dark. Dark and…and red."

"Er…well. That’s all very interesting."

"They hurt me there, Turaga. The ones without faces, they…it hurt."

"...What?"

Words began pouring out of the Matoran in a rush:

"I fell from high up, so I was smashed, and I hurt. They put hooks in me, and popped my joints apart. They took my arms and legs away into the dark, and they…" He gestured vaguely. "They took off my head…my head, Turaga…it was broken, my head."

"What in Mata's name are you talking about?"

"Turaga, they were like Matoran, but they had no faces and no…no eyes. Their eyes were little holes, maybe not eyes…They had tools. Sharp tools, saws and welders I recognized. They cut out my broken eye and took it away. I could feel my arms and legs somewhere else too. They cut them and burned them back together. Then they put their tools inside my broken head, and their fingers…and they took things out, and put things back in...inside my head."

The Matoran put his hands up to his face, to the side of his head, started scratching. "In there…in there…what did they put in? What did they take out?!"

"Hey now, none of that! None of that," the Turaga caught the Matoran’s hands, tried to steady him. "Calm, calm."

The Matoran relented. His arms hung limp. His gaze met the Turaga’s at last.

"Turaga, I was broken from the…from the fall, and they…They put me back together after."

"But who--"

"They don't have faces, Turaga, nor masks I think. I screamed at them, when my lungs were back, and they put my throat back in. I screamed hard, and I think they heard me. They flinched, like they didn’t know I was there before, that I was alive. One of them sniffed at me with its…with its eyes…But then another hook came down and…a red tunnel…And then I was here."

The Turaga blinked, swallowed. He could feel the Matoran trembling.

"Ehm, well…What a tale. I should say you are a bit more imaginative than most Po-Matoran I know."

"Not imaginative." The Matoran shook his head, rubbing his right arm slowly, feeling the armor, good as new. "I’m not. I didn’t imagine."

"There's no other explanation, I’m afraid. We all have dreams on occasion, even strange ones."

"Not a dream, no–"

"Well, let’s get you settled and back to the jobsite, shall we? The Statue Fields can’t be missing a laborer for too long.”

"Back? Of course, I must go back…" The Matoran's eyes darted around. "But, Turaga, what if…what if I fall again? It’s so high, and my chisel slipped. I’ll fall again for sure. I can’t…I can’t go back."

"Can’t go back to the Statue Fields? Why of course you can! It’s all very routine–"

"No…back there. If I fall. If I’m hurt…If I die. What if I go back to…to them? To the ones without faces?"

"There are no such creatures, I assure you. It was just a dream; perhaps from the shock! Very understandable." The Turaga patted the Matoran's shoulder reassuringly. "Look, I shall tell you a story. I myself experienced grave injury once before, long ago, before my days as an elder. Hard to imagine, I know! But it happened. I perished then, but I was brought back, and nothing of what you describe happened to me. There was no dark place, no strange creatures, no pain. My memory is crystal clear: A short time of rest and a pleasant noise, and then back forthwith! This is the grace of Mata Nui. It shows that we are valued, that we have an important purpose in the world–too important to waste! There, does that help?"

"What noise?"

"What?"

"The noise you heard…What was it?"

"I don't...Who can say?"

"They breathe," the Matoran continued. "Their breathing makes a sound. I could only hear from one side, until they soldered my other ear back in. What noise do you remember, Turaga?"

"Nonsense, I–"

"Please!"

"It was…a sound of waves. That’s it, yes. Very calming, like a rise and fall of waves, or a pleasant whisper. Refreshing, even."

"Their breathing was like words, I think. It wasn’t words, but sounded like them. ‘Toh-rah-kesh-toh-rah-kesh’ is what it sounded like. On ‘toh-rah’ they breathed in, and on ‘kesh’ they breathed out. Is that what you heard, Turaga?"

The elder's heartlight was suddenly beating very fast.

"No…no, that is not what I heard," he said, and his expression was hard. "Not at all like." 

He turned to his tablets abruptly, clattered a few aside. "Now, Pawha, you are to report to the surface and give the Coliseum wardens this token." He thrust a sliver of stone into the Matoran’s hands. "They will send you on your way. It is time for you to return to your Duty."

"I can’t go back there, Turaga. I can’t–"

"Enough! Out!"

The Matoran flinched away, stumbled, and then fled past, up the tunnel, out of the Rala. Gone. 

The Turaga shook himself, dusted off his robes. His heartlight was still beating fast. Much too fast. He was usually such a calm person, not prone to outbursts at all. How strange. 

He took up the lightstone from its niche, pushed the stool back into its alcove, began to walk back up the tunnel himself, back toward the surface. Behind him, the deep passage of the Rala stretched back into darkness and unknown, but that was alright. We know only what we must know, in order to perform our Duty well, after all. The unknown is nothing to be afraid of.

The trudge of his feet made a little rasping noise as he walked. He tried his best to walk silently, but still there it was. Scrape, rasp. Scrape, rasp, traveling away down the tunnel. 

Down the tunnel, into the dark, like a whisper, like a breath. He did not remember that…that sound. Surely not. It was not at all familiar, was it? His hand went to his chest, to the place where the Jaga-stinger had ended him, back then. No marks, of course. Good as new. It was the grace of Mata Nui, he reminded himself. Showed that we were important, could not be wasted. So we are repaired…repaired by…what? In a dark place, long ago...

Scrape, rasp. Scrape, rasp. Like a whisper, like a breath. It was nonsense, that other dark. His memory playing tricks, of course. Dark and red. A red tunnel. He did not remember that. Preposterous! And things without faces, things without eyes?

No such thing.

[tunaafishyy]

The Nymph’s Dream Artifact Set & The Story Within (Part 1)

WARNING: This post contains spoilers for quests in the Genshin 3.6 update

Ok, with the spoiler disclaimer out of the way, it’s time to get started theorizing about the Nymph’s Dream artifact set and it’s rather abstract story!

The story within the artifact set can be broken up into 3 categories

The prophecy, recorded as a fairytale

The story of the children of the Narzissenkreuz Institute

The overviews of “story-telling devices/themes”

To try and cover all these different aspects in a coherent manner, the post is broken up into the following sections.

Section 1: The Story’s Identities — covers speculation on who the people in the story are, as well as the purpose of the institute. The most important part of this section are the names of the speculated children, but I included speculation for other roles as well for funsies

Section 2: The Story of the Hero and the Dragon — a re-telling of the story of the children using the identities defined in Section 1

While the next two sections won't be included in this post, they will be included in Part 2

The Prophecy — who’s involved, what it’s about, and how it connects Section 2 to Section 4 :)

The Story-Telling Devices — the importance of these sections, and what they mean when looking at the past, present, and potential future (based on existing lore).

So, without further ado, let’s get started!

Section 1: The Story’s Identities

In this section, the most important characters for the speculated story are Alain and Rene. I’ll be covering other characters/roles in this section… but most of the artifact set (per my interpretation) is about them.

The Narzissenkreuz Institute

The purpose of the Institute, ran by the Director and Vice Director, isn't exactly clear, but let's go over what we know or can infer.

Based on the Heroes' Tea Party artifact, the Institute appears to be located underground, or at least in a place where that "would not see the light of either sun or moon".

It contains many children that often play out the roles of heroes and dragons in stories, but more importantly, these children seem to be elemental/seelie beings.

The first hint of this is also in the Heroes' Tea Party, when the Director hugs the little girl... resulting in her clothes getting soaked... which sounds a lot like what would happen if you hugged one of the lochfolk.

We also learn from Rene's notes that he and Jakob are of "a similar composition" to the "sacred lotus".

If we super summarize the origin of the sacred lotus as "from the Goddess of Flowers"... then Rene and Jakob having a similar composition means they're very similar to something that comes from a Seelie... which also lines up with the watery-hug in the previous example coming form the lochfolk.

We're also told that Oceanids come to the Vourukasha Oasis in search of their god, which could line up with Rene and Jakob's trip.

They aren’t a super great fit since previous Oceanids have names that align with Oceanids in mythology, and they're always female in myths... but since we don't know what creative liberties hoyo might take, I still think it's a possibility.

Ok, so the Instistute is hidden from the sun and moon, and holds at least a couple of children who may or may not be related to the Seelie's. But why?

Clarification: the next statement is pure speculation, and in no way related/important to understanding the artifact set…

...but I think it could have to do with statements made by the Goddess of Flowers about not being able to look upon the heavens and struggling to maintain her form. If those two ideas are connected (maintaining form by not looking upon the heavens) ... then maybe the Institute helps hide seelie-related-children who haven't lost their form from the "light of the heavens"... or something.

... Might also explain Rene and Jakob's very strange idea of growth (3 teeth... what...)

Definitely a stretch, and not super important to the story within the set... so lets get back on topic.

The Hydro Archon as the Director (or Vice Director)

From the Vourukasha Oasis artifact set, as well as multiple other references, we know the Hydro Archon was killed during the cataclysm, and her body became the Amrita.

Also during the cataclysm, the Director and her sisters journey to 'defeat the evil at its source'...

Considering the Vourukasha Oasis is located in the same area as a large door to Khaenri'ah, the Amrita is there, and a significant number of abyssal creatures flooded out from the area... I think its very likely the location the Director went to was the Vourukasha Oasis… and that she is the Hydro Archon who died there.

Now, one thing that threw me off a bit about the passage was the use of the term "Director and her sisters". The term 'sisters' immediately made me think Hexenzirkel, and a Hexenzirkel member being part of the Institute feels like it would go well with the "prophecy being turned into a story" part of the artifact set...

If the Director isn't the Hydro Archon, I think they’d still be a part of the story, just as the Vice Director instead. Support for the Hydro Archon in this role might be found on Rene’s notes:

In Rene's notes, he comments on how "seeing all this" (the Vourukasha Oasis), he believes the Vice Director will be "unable to return".

So, if they thought that the Vice Director was the one at the Vourukasha Oasis, and the Oceanids who journeyed their were in search of their dead god (per Zirvan), then maybe the Vice Director was the Hydro Archon instead.

Phew… so far we've speculated the identity of the Director and Vice Director, as well as the purpose of the institute. Now, it's time to talk about who actually matter for understanding the story...

The children of the Narzissenkreuz Institute.

Alain as "The Machine Lover" & "The Hero who slays the dragon"

Alain Guillotin is the founder of the Fontaine Research Institute of Kinetic Energy Engineering, and was considered a genius inventor. In particular, he was renowned for his inventions related to clockwork mechanisms and kinetic energy.

From Rene's notes, we also learn that he was at the Narzissenkreuz Institute. It doesn't specifically state that he was one of the children there, but there's a couple of descriptions related to clockwork and energy that would line up with him well.

We're told one of the children loved machines, and made a pocket watch eventually gifted to a friend...

We're also told the story of the hero, after becoming victorious over the dragon, 'conceives a kingdom powered by machines and energies not derived from the elements'.

Considering that the research institute established by Alain is specifically for "Kinetic Energy"... this description lines up well with researching power sources not derived from the elements (if that wasn't obvious already).

The question is... is Fontaine's power source a result of "kinetic energy research", or did the push for "kinetic energy research" result from the 'special' power source Fontaine runs off of?

I believe it's the latter... which bring us to the next character

Rene as "The Fell Dragon"

We learn in the "Fell Dragon's Monocle" set that the dragon "thinks of the time he once spent with the hero" prior to being slain, implying that the hero and dragon spent time together at some point.

Additionally, the one who Alain gave the pocket watch to eventually "fell into the primordial liquid that dissolves all"... which sounds very similar to the description of the dragon falling into the "chasm that dissolves all things".

So, then why Rene for this role? Well, out of three names we're given... (Alain, Rene, Jakob)... Rene seems like the best fit to me. It's very possible the role belongs to someone we haven't been introduced to yet... but we'll stick with Rene for now.

While I don't want to go to far in depth on Rene's notes (since evaluating those really needs a thread of its own), there's a couple of important points that make him a good fit for the fell dragon role:

The fact that his notes are being used by the Abyss Order in the first place makes the content of his research pretty suspect.

He uses some 'taboo' energy to keep Jakob and himself from weakening... and based on the description of Rene's notebook... with the goal of "surpassing mortality."

He and Jakob are running calculations to prevent the "destruction" caused by a certain "impact"... and eventually they come up with a solution they want to bring back and share with Alain.

In summary, Rene and Jakob go to the Vourukasha Oasis, possibly in search of the Director / Vice-Director, discover a way to utilize a certain energy to prevent some type of destruction (possibly of Fontaine... maybe from something like a divine nail dropping?), and want to bring the info back to Alain.

Assuming they actually make it back to Fontaine... If we consider that Rene was utilizing power with potentially dark implications... then it seems very likely that he, like almost everyone else who messes with taboo power, could have ended up becoming "evil"... at least in the eyes of Alain.

Rhodeia as "The New Arrival at the Institute"

As mentioned in the Institute subsection, a little girl gave the Director a hug that ended up with the Director getting soaked.

While I think this role could probably belong to any of the lochfolk, I'm giving it to Rhodeia because of what we learned about her during the Wishful Drops event.

During that event, Endora tells us that Rhodeia "fled Fontaine, harboring a longing for the previous Hydro Archon."

Rhodeia only desired to "keep the dreams of yesteryear alive."

Her desire to keep the dreams of yesteryear alive reminded me a lot of one of the sections about the children in the Odyssean Flower:

Some still reminisce endlessly over the afternoon adventures that have yet to continue...

Jakob

I don't want to leave Jakob completely out since he was one of the children at the institute, but I don't have too much to say about him. As far as the story goes, I speculate that when the Vice Director asks [redacted] to watch over [redacted], she's asking Rene to watch over Jakob, and that's why they're traveling together.

EDIT (added 2023-08-08)

It was pointed out in the comments by opticor that Jakob would be a good fit for the evil mage:

“regarding the [redacted] names, the children who are urged not to fight (the "knight" and "dragon") both have 2-symbol names, matching how Alain and Rene are written in Chinese; the second pair of children have 3-symbol names, and so does the one who is given the Vice Director's feather. given Jakob's preoccupation with her, i would assume he is the "evil mage" of the group (Jakob is spelled with 3 symbols)”— opticor

I really like the idea of Jakob as the evil mage… both Rene and Jakob having “evil” roles aligns well with them both being involved in the questionable energy experiments.

And looking at the feather description:

But in the end, this feather would never become the mystical staff used by some evil mage.

It would instead follow its new owner and reach the source of that which caused the calamity of parting, before returning to from whence it came...

The part about going to the source of the “calamity of parting” could refer to Rene and Jakob’s trip to the oasis!

END OF EDIT

Section 2: The Story of the Hero and the Dragon

Reminder: this story (more like a small fanfic XD) is based on the speculations in Section 1

The Narzissenkreuz Institute, run by the Director and Vice Director in a location hidden from the light of the Sun and Moon, is the home of many children.

The children, when not taking snack breaks, spend most of their time playing out the stories of heroes and dragons. While their existence is rather stagnant when looked at over the course of time… they live happy, carefree lives...

Until one day, the Director and Vice Director tell the children they have to leave on important business.

“... don’t go running outside,” the Vice Director tells them.

Sound advice, considering the world is being ripped apart by a cataclysm.

After giving Rene Jakob her prized feather, and promising to return, the Vice Director heads off the Director.

… but they never come back.

Eventually, Rene and Jakob leave the Institute, making their way to the Vourukasha Oasis in search of the directors.

Slowly, as they continue their research and experiments in the area, it becomes more and more clear that the Director and Vice Director won't be coming back as promised.

Their state slowly begins to weaken due to the unfavorable conditions, and Rene begins to become concerned that their trip back to Fontaine will become impossible.

Utilizing a power considered 'wrong' by pedantic adults, he alters his and Jakob's compositions so that they're able to live without sustenance. Not wanting Mr. Karl to becomes suspicious of the power he used, Rene tells Jakob they must continue to pretend to require sustenance, and to continue eating even though they no longer need.

They continue their research. Running experiments to prevent a 'greater destruction' caused by an 'impact', eventually theorizing that combined with their power and the divine will extracted out of an energy source, they can reflect the imminent destruction.

They return back to Fontaine, sharing what they've learned with Alain.

They utilize the energy source in Fontaine, and all is well for awhile.

Until one day, Rene's corruption from continuing to use the taboo power finally reveals itself. Alain learns the truth of the 'not fully understood' power Rene uses, as well as of his increasingly radical mindset.

Having no other choice, Alain knows he must slay the dragon to stop him.

Thus, Alain and Rene, children who grew up acting out tales of heroes and dragons with each other, become the hero and dragon of our story.

“... but if you had seen what I had…”

Alain, bittered by how the unnatural power darkened his friend, vows to never again believe in anything that the sum of human knowledge cannot completely grasp and understand, and to the end of his days, strives to make Fontaine a country powered by machines and energies not derived from the elements.

He founds the Fontaine Research Institute of Kinetic Energy Engineering, determined to free Fontaine from the unreliable and questionable power that Rene and he had put in place.

(Alternatively, Alain slays Rene as soon as he returns, and the unreliable energy source used by Fontaine is kinetic energy.)

The End

Ending Summary

So, there you have it! I know this theory makes a lot of assumptions, so it's certainly a super stretch, but I hope you enjoyed!

Part 2 will cover The Prophecy (why Narcissus is the Director, but not the dragon) and Story-Telling Devices that appear (taking a look at to Dehya's Story Quest, Rene Girard), so keep an eye out for it!!

... and maybe Part 3 to actually talk about the symbolism of the different names and such, but that seems a little overzealous, so going to try and finish up Part 2 first XD.

Thanks for reading!

Edited on 2023-08-08 to fix typos and add comment from opticor to Jakob’s section

[dearestgojo]

Indifferent Love

Gojo x Fem reader

Summary: Satoru Gojo’s life gets turned around when you declare you’ve never held any feelings for him, and an arrangement is formed so that you may live the rest of your days in peace with each other. But upon your declaration, something stirs to life inside Satoru.

A/n: So sorry for the really late update, I got stuck on a pov.

Warnings:18+. Satoru gets touchy. Dubcon. Biting.

Chapter Eight | Chapter Nine | Chapter Ten | Series Masterlist | Wc: 13.7k

You wake up to the sound of the soft pitter-patter of the rain against the windows, gray clouds moving across the sky, casting a coldish gray tint on the city. The warmth of the blankets shields you from the room's coolness, beckoning you to snuggle deeper into them. You shift, nestling into the warmness, an arm pressing on your spine. Peeking over your shoulder you find Satoru still in bed, laying flat on his back with his head facing you. His torso is exposed, the warm sheets resting just above his hips, his nipples perked due to the ac running all night and the chill of the rain falling just outside your windows. 

Slowly turning to your other side, clinging to the blankets and the warmth, you face him. It's the first time you've seen him while he sleeps. The tops of his cheeks are tinted pinky, probably from the blankets and meaning he had just pushed them down not long ago. The white lashes that draw your attention to his blue eyes curve up, and even in the dimness of your bedroom, you can still see the white of them against his fair skin. His white hair falls onto his forehead, curling around his ears unbrushed, some of it sticking up on the crown of his head, you smile as you think about the cowlick he typically wakes up with. Your eyes fall further down, past his neck to his shoulders, where light brown freckles that expand over the back of his shoulders sprinkle out towards the front. Your fingers twitch as you want to trace over them and draw tiny constellations on his skin. 

You nuzzle yourself deeper into his pillow, the strong scent of his body wash filling your nose, and you watch him sleep. The act feels intimate, much more than you would allow yourself to be with him during his waking hours, but you allow yourself to enjoy the calmness of it. His eyes move behind his closed eyelids, the thin veins of his lids prominent against his white skin. 

The sound of the rain is interrupted by loud thunder, the inside of the room flashes in blue, and the rain outside starts to pick up. You can feel the hairs of your body vibrate as the thunder echoes through the room. Satoru sturs beside you, the hair on his forehead covering his eyes, eyebrows scrunching up together. Your heart skips a beat against your ribs, the inside of your mouth feeling dry as you wait for the inevitable fluttering of his eyes opening.

However, they remain closed, the only company you have is the sound of his light snores, the thunder, and the rain. Biting into your bottom lip, you shift your weight, laying flat on your back, and watching the lighting paint the inside of the room. You lay there, listening to Satoru's soft breathing and feeling his breath brush against your neck. The stillness of the penthouse is calming, but you also feel unease being left alone with your thoughts.

Kenji's visit plays on your mind like a broken record, fear lodging itself in your throat, and the sting of tears in the edges of your eyes. You take in a deep breath, still feeling the imprint of his hands wrapped around your arm, and the heat of his breath when you spoke down to him. The image of his face is barely recognizable to you. That wasn't the man you had handed the entirety of your heart to, he wasn't the man you had loved. At what point after you left had he changed so drastically that you didn't even recognize him?

Curling into yourself you chew on your thumb, your heart pounding against your ribcage. What if he showed up at your front door again? What if Kenji decided to approach you while you were with Satoru? What if he approached Satoru? You couldn't let any of that happen not knowing the extent of how far Kenji was willing to go just to win you back. You couldn't let more people get hurt because of you. 

Beside you Satoru stirs, groaning as he stretches on the bed, the back of his hand brushing against your back. The mattress shifts as he turns over to his side, facing your back, a few inches of distance still between his chest and your back. You can't see his face, but you can feel his eyes burning holes in the back of your head. Neither of you breaks the silence and just listen to the soft downfall of the rain against the window panels. 

You aren't sure of how much time passes by before Satoru finally decides to cut through the stillness. His voice is still groggy, barely speaking above a whisper as the bed moves again, "We're going to be late if we don't get up now."

You can feel where his palm presses down on the mattress, all his weight resting on your side of the bed. Peeking over your shoulder you look at him, swallowing down the lump in the back of your throat. He's sitting up the sheets covering his from his hips down, chest exposed to the cold room. He's running his free hand over his face, rubbing the sleep from his eyes. Clearing your throat you push yourself up, "Morning." 

Satoru looks at you, expecting you to say more, but you remain still and quiet next to him. Your hair falls over your shoulders, and the strap of your nightgown slips off. "Of course, that's all you have to say," he mumbles under his breath, covered by the sound of thunder, "Morning." He gets out of bed, and walks towards the closet, coming back out with a button-up shirt and a pair of gray dress pants. He looks at you where you are still seated on the bed, looking out the window at the rain. "Are you not going to get ready?" he asks, shoving his arm through an arm hole. 

"I am," you sigh, your eyes following the jagged fall of the raindrops on the glass.

He slides his other hand in, reaching down to start buttoning the shirt up, "When? Breakfast with my parents is in less than forty minutes."

You puff your cheeks, breathing out the air slowly, "In a minute. Just need a moment."

He doesn't push further and puts on his pants before rolling the sleeves of his shirt up to his elbows. Satoru can tell something is bothering you, but he knows you'll avoid answering him if he brings it up. Instead, he looks out the same window you're staring out of, tearing his eyes from your exposed shoulder, finding the descent of the raindrop calming and distracting for a moment. The room falling under the same silent calm from two minutes ago. 

You break the silence first this time, swinging your legs over the end of the bed, your bare feet padding along the cold floor toward the closet, "I'll be out in a few minutes." Satoru nods and watches you disappear into the closet, the sound of your shuffling through your clothes reaching his ears.

You run your fingertips along the cool fabrics of your shirts, slightly pulling them to examine them. You choose a light blue blouse with ruffles running down the front and a high collar. A pair of light brown wide-legged dress pants catch your attention and you reach for them, placing the stack of clothes on the bench that's in the center right across from a floor-to-ceiling mirror of the room before undressing. You avoid looking at yourself in the mirror as you pull the shirt over your head, forcing your head through the tight collar, and adjusting it around the shoulders, faint scars peeking out from beneath the hem. You slide your feet through the pant holes, raising the waistband to your waist, and tucking the blouse in, hiding the marks, it's only then that you look at yourself.

Your hair is still in disarray, and the bags beneath your eyes are prominent under the light of the closet. The pants you choose, cover your feet and drag on the ground, even after you slip into a pair of baby blue heels. It almost looks like you're wearing one of your signature long skirts. You blindly reach for a handbag and a grab pair of stud earrings and bangles as you walk out. Satoru's sitting at the end of the bed when you walk out, his hair brushed to the side, out of his eyes, a pair of black loafers hanging from the long fingers of his left hand while his right scrolls through his phone. He looks up when he hears you walk into the room, blue eyes looking you up and down. "That's new. I thought you'd wear a skirt again," he comments looking pointedly at your pants

You toss the handbag on the bed, making your way to the vanity as you slide the bangles down your wrists, "I thought it would be nice if I wore something else. We're just going to see your family there's no need for me to be extra and wear a skirt." Grabbing a hair tie, you look at him through the mirror, pulling your hair up into a ponytail, "Do you think I should have gone even more casual?"

He shakes his head and looks back down at his phone, "No. you look great in that, and were already running late as is." Standing up from his spot he, grabs his watch from the nightstand, looking at you once over as you tie your hair into a ponytail, "I'll be in the office, let me know when you're ready."

You watch him leave through the reflection, your hands high above your head as you pull your hair throw the hair tie, "Okay, I'll be out in a few." The room feels bigger once Satoru has left you alone, and for the second time since your wedding, you feel the loneliness swallow you whole once more. 

Dealing with Kenji's sudden reappearance, and quite frankly frightening, was more suffocating when you found yourself alone. Satoru being around provides you with a sense of safety in the hours that followed, there was something you never thought you would feel around him again. A sense of security. With your husband around, it was easy to forget that you had been followed mere hours ago by your ex who was adamant about saving something that no longer existed. It meant you didn't have to look over your shoulder in your own home, waiting for Kenji to suddenly jump out of the shadows.

But now that you were alone in your bedroom, the only sound that of the rain, and you felt as if someone was looking at you from somewhere in your walls. Walls that felt like they were closing in on you, shrinking the space between you and the ghost that followed you. It made the back of your head itch.

Finishing the last touches of your make-up you, slip your earrings into three holes, tugging at the lobe of your ear. Humming you take two steps back, looking at yourself in the mirror, your eyes skimming the room through it, as you look yourself once over, swallowing the lump in the back of your throat. Grabbing your bag you head downstairs, your eyes scanning over the place, the palms of your hands sweating. Your heels echo throughout the entire space, bouncing off the smooth shining tiles. 

You stand at the bottom step, staring at the clean kitchen counters, yesterday's evening playing before your eyes. The corners of your eyes prick and sting as the tears form, you blink a few times, breathing in deeply before turning to face the wall in front of you. 

"I'm ready, Satoru," you call out, taking one step forward toward his office, standing right at the corner waiting for him to come out. You hear shuffling before you see his white hair peek out from his office. He glances at you up and down once before stepping towards you, nodding his head to the door.

"Alright, let's go then."

The ride down to the underground garage is awkward, but not tense, you stay on one end while he stays on the other. You exhale as the doors close, your body relaxing as you feel secure with Satoru standing a few feet from you. The doors ding open, Satoru steps out and leads the way toward his car, keys jingling in his pocket, walking a few steps ahead of you. Your body becomes alert, eyes scanning the dark spaces of the floor. Looking up ahead you see Satoru looking at you from the driver's side of the door, head cocking to his left as he watches you act weird. You shrug, and reach your door, quickly getting in.

Satoru climbs in afterward, silently starting the car, and exiting the parking lot. Your eyes quickly adjust from the overcast clouds after exiting the parking lot, small raindrops hitting the windshield, your eyes immediately scanning the people around you. 

Satoru looks at you, his eyebrows raising, "Are you looking for someone or something?" Swallowing and shaking your head you turn around to look back ahead, running the edge of your pointer along the edge of your nails, watching the smooth edge dig into the skin. He turns back, adam's apple bobbing up a down, looking at you from the corner of his eye, "Has something been bothering you? You've been on edge since last night? I mean you almost jumped out of your skin when I got home last night."

You shake your head, letting out a sigh, turning your hand to run your finger over the smooth painted surface of your nails, "I'm fine."

He swallows again, watching your eyes dart across the street in front of him. "Do you really not trust me? Because I'm here if you want to talk about whatever is bothering you." Satoru asks, both of his hands on the wheel, adam's apple bobbing up and down.

You want to tell him about Kenji's visit, the comfort of his safety making you want to tell him so you can feel at ease, but bringing up Kenji meant sharing parts of you that you weren't ready to confront or share with him. "Why are you asking me this," you sigh heavily, "I already told you that nothing is wrong."

"I'm asking you because at times it looks like something is bothering you."

"Well, everything is fine. So just drive." you breathe out, picking at your cuticle, your eyes looking out into the street, avoiding Satoru's gaze.

"Fine," you hear him mumble, the leather of the steering wheel screeching beneath his palms as he grips it, "I won't push any further." 

You swallow the salvia in your mouth, puffing your cheeks and whispering, "Thank you."

~

The head housemaid greets you as you walk through, Satoru handing her the umbrella, the rain behind him starting to pick up again. He lingers behind watching as you walk further into the house, walking past the study, your eyes lingering on the closed door. You glance at him over your shoulder, waiting for him to follow. To lead the way to the dining room in the back of the house, where his parents were already. He takes a step away from the door, putting his hand in his pockets, reaching you, and standing beside you.

You turn to the door, skimming over the frame and the knob, remembering the number of steps it takes to walk from one end to the other. "Do you always keep this door closed?" You ask, tilting your head to look at your husband, "I remember it always being closed when I first arrived. Even before then, I had never seen it open until I moved here and opened it."

Satoru's eyes move over the door, the palm of his hand pressing on the small of your back, pushing towards the dining room, "Yeah, no one really uses it anymore, so the doors just stay closed." 

"Why?" 

Satoru swallows behind you, watching the light from the kitchen pour out into the hallway, "Why what?"

"Why doesn't anyone use it?" You return, standing at the end of the hall, "The room is really cozy, so why don't you use it?"

He looks down at you, running his eyes over the arch of your eyebrow and the curve of your lips, his heart thumping against his ribs. Your eyes close slowly as you blink up at him, time slowing down around him. He has the urge to bend down and press his lips to yours. Raising his shoulders and flattening his palm on your lower back forcing you to start walking again, "We just don't have a need for it. Let's just go eat now, I'm starving."

His answer satisfies you enough, and you turn to walk the rest of the way into the dining room. Satoru walks behind you, his parents coming into view along with a table set of food, both turning their heads to greet you both.

His mother greets the two of you first, raising her hand to wave you over, "You're finally here, come sit, sit. The food starts to get cold, we've been waiting all morning."

You smile at both his parents, walking to his mother and hugging her. "Good morning," you beam and walk around the table to take a seat next to Satoru's old usual spot while he greets his parents with a hug to his father and a kiss on his mother's forehead.

"Morning," he sighs, sitting down beside you and immediately reaching for one of the sweets on the table. 

"How was your morning?" his mother asks, the corners of her lips curved, the tone of her voice suggestive, "You took a while to get here."

Your face becomes flustered, words jumbled in your head while Satoru chokes on the sweet bread in his mouth. His dad who is usually stoic laughs, reaching across the table and patting his back, "Honey, you don't ask those types of personal questions at the table. It's a bit intrusive to ask that."

"Sorry, but it's the first time they're late for our Saturday breakfasts," she responds grinning over the rim of her glass of juice.

Satoru recovers from his coughing fit, rubbing a hand over his chest, "We're the late cause of the rain, mom." The tops of his ears turn a light pink, looking at you from the corner of his eyes, noting your awkward fiddling with your fingers, and the way you gracelessly way you reach for a serving of fruits. He looks back at his parents, grabbing a muffin from the center, changing the subject, "How was your morning?"

His mother sets her glass down, "It's been fine, even with the rain and all. Didn't get to work in the greenhouse because of it though. Y/n, you should join me next week if the weather is nice."

You cover your lips, nodding your head, "Of course," you swallow, dropping your hand, "I didn't know you gardened." 

She nods, swallowing the bite of food in her mouth, "I do. Something I picked up when Satoru was about two or three, it served as a dis-a way to get some me time away from that little devil on legs. I don't think I have to explain myself to you, y/n, you live with him by yourself now, so you understand. Let's hope your kids aren't anything like him, or you'll have your hands full."

His dad laughs at that, "Let's hope they don't. I don't even know how many nannies we went through the first few years." 

"I don't think I can't even count them on my hands." 

You swallow a bite of your fruit, glancing at Satoru from the corner of your eye, "Was he really that much of a handful?"

She chortles, the corners of her eyes watering, "Oh honey you don't know the half of it. If I anything I think being around you as a child mellowed him out, but when you weren't around he was a handful. One time he somehow managed to climb his way up to the chandeliers in the foyer. We had to call the firemen to get him down."

"Really?"

"Really, took a whole hour since he wouldn't stop swinging on it," Gojo Sr. Replies. 

"And if they are anything like him, expect them to also be clinging to you by the skirts. Satoru rarely allowed me anytime for myself."

Your lips curve upwards, taking a bite of pineapple, teasing him, "So you're a momma's boy."

Satoru ignores your teasing, taking a drink from his glass, and changing the subject, "Well if you didn't get to work in the greenhouse what did you do then, mom?"

"Oh, I tried helping in the kitchen, but I guess I was getting in the way cause they asked me to leave," She answers, the conversation fading into the background as Satoru continues to eat, his parents conversing among themselves after a few minutes, letting you and him have some peace while listening.

He glances at you, watching how you elegantly raise your food to your lips and chew carefully, nodding along to whatever story his parents are telling now. The sun peeks out from behind the clouds for a moment, rain still falling steadily outside the windows, casting a light on the side of your face when you turn to look at him. Your eyebrow quirks up when you find him looking at you, the sun disappearing back behind the gray clouds, and you lean in while raising your napkin from your lap. He stays frozen when he feels the soft material touch the corner of his lips, your eyes are cast low as your wipe the corner of his mouth. Your lips pursued together, and a low hum coming from the back of your throat. Time continues to be suspended as when you look up at him, your curled eyelashes more pronounced, drawing his attention to them. You sit back into your chair, smoothing the napkin over your lap once more, motioning to the corner of your lips, "You had some crumbs."  

Satoru blinks dumbly at you, frozen in his spot as the seconds tick by before he clears his throat and slowly turns back to his food. The warmth of your hand lingers in the air around him, the soft pressure weighing on the corner of his lips, along with the sweet scent of your skin. He breathes out through his nose, swallowing the salvia in his mouth, uttering, "Thanks." 

He spends the rest of the breakfast distracted by the fluttering of his chest and the flips in his stomach. He barely hears his parents address him until you shove your elbow into his side, forcing to ask them to repeat whatever question they had asked. His blue eyes glance at you from time to time, and at the bright smile that adorns your lips when you smile at his parents, feeling a spike of jealousy bloom in his chest. His eyes follow you down the smallest gesture. 

Even now as the four of you stay in the foyer bidding your farewell to his parents for the week, his eyes are on you instead of the plans that are being set up. He dissects the curve of your lips and the glint of your eyes, trying to fit the puzzle pieces of what he knew of you into something, someone, he could see and understand. That is until you shove your elbow into his side once more, his hearing refocusing on the sound of his mother's voice.

"What do you say Satoru?"

He shakes his head, white strands of his hair falling out of place, "Sorry, I-i didn't hear you."

You tilt your head and look up at him from the corner of your eye, "You're mom was asking if you were up for us having a housewarming party next Saturday. Before dinner, of course."

"I...um...sure, I guess. I don't really know about that stuff, so it's whatever you want." 

Satoru's mom claps her hands, "Alright then. Y/n and I can handle the details, all you have to do is show up, which shouldn't be too hard since it's at your house. Y/n, I'll come over sometime during the week and we can discuss everything, okay?"

You nod your head, hands clasped in front of you, "Okay, that sounds good to me." You hook your arm through Satoru's leaning into him, "We should really get going though. The rain looks like it's getting worse."

"Oh of course," His mom smiles, taking a step forward to wrap her arms around each of you, "It's so nice seeing the two of you."

His father gives a curt nod from where he stands next to his wife, "You be careful driving back, it's coming down out there."

Satoru nods, reaching for the umbrella one of the housemaids bring him, "We will." 

The drive back to the penthouse is just as quiet as the drive had been to his parents. With your entire body turned to face the passenger door and the smile you had given his parents erased from your face. Even the ride on the elevator is tense, either one of you standing on different sides, the sound of the penthouse door cutting through the silence when it slams shut behind him, followed by the sound of your heels clicking on the shining tiles of your home. He walks behind you, hands shoved in the pockets of his pants, watching as you sit on the couch and kick off your heels in a manner that is so unlike you. Unlike the you he'd known for most of his life, the version of you he'd grown accustomed to, was always poised and refined. 

Leaning on the arm of the sectional adjacent to you he watches as your rub the heels of your foot, his eyes darting to the large tv in your living room. The very same living you the two of you rarely shared. 

"Want to watch a movie?" He asks suddenly, standing up and looking around the coffee table for the remote.

You shake your head and collect your heels while you rise from the couch. "I'm tired, so maybe next time. I'll see you for lunch," you sight out, patting his shoulder before walking away from him, the floor feeling even colder.

The sky cracks, white flashing outside the windows as you walk up the stairs, illuminating your silhouette, and he stands in the center middle of the living room. "Guess I'll see you later," Satoru mutters turning on his heel to shut himself in his office as usual. Both of you let the loneliness of your loveless marriage settle into your bones instead of working on building the phony relationship into one that would be believable to those outside of the four walls of your home.

~

"Ono, Dr. Nomura is waiting for you in room three hundred and one. She needs some assistance with the patient in that room," The nurse at the desk tells him, barely glancing up from his phone. 

"Thanks for letting me know," Kenji answers, running a hand through the mess that is his hair and setting down the blue folder he'd been looking over. He makes his way over to room 301, people and rooms passing him, his head pounding as fluorescent lights shine down on him.  

It's been a week since he showed up at your house, and he can still feel the knot lodged in the back of his throat when he recalls the look on your face when you looked at him. You had been scared of him at that moment, eyes wide with tears streaming down your face. You had shaking even as you held the knife in it. He'd felt the guilt of the frightened regard you held him with as you begged him to leave. He hadn't meant to scare you, but when you refused to allow him to clear his name and told him you would remain with your husband, he felt vexed at the thought of you making another man happy. 

He nears the room, taking in a deep breath when someone walks out of the room next to the one he's about to enter, slamming face-first into his chest. He stumbles back, reaching forward to help keep the person steady. 

"I'm sorry," he starts, glancing down to see Shoko's dark hair and her flustered face that quickly turns into shock and contempt.

"You're good," she mutters, quickly taking a step to the side to walk around him, and continue with her day as if nothing had happened. But Kenji stops her once more, stepping in front of her. Shoko looks up at him, eyebrows raised, her fingers gripping the clipboard pressed against her chest. "Can I help you with something?" She snaps.

Kenji looks at her, he runs the back of his neck, uneasy as he struggles to think about how to ask about you. While it was true that he'd had a decent relationship with both of your closest friends, he wasn't exactly on good terms with either at the time. After your falling out, Kenji had rarely seen either of them. The last time he'd talked with one of them had been a few days before your wedding, but it had been radio silence since then. So standing here in front of Shoko, he felt the palms of his hands sweating and the back of his throat dry as he croaked out, "How's y/n?" 

Shoko looked up at him quizzically, asking, "Why do you want to know?" 

Kenji shrugs, looking over her head, "I'm just curious about how she's doing." It was a partial truth, he did want to know how you were doing, but he also wanted to know if you had told any of your close friends about what had happened last week. He wanted to know just how much his unexpected visit had affected you, and if he still had a chance of winning you back. The silence that followed him had a knot forming in the back of his throat and the palms of his hands feeling clammy, he all but glared down at Shoko, who was considering if she should tell him anything about you now that you were married. 

Letting go of her bottom lip with a soft pop she finally replies, "She's doing fine, moved to a really nice penthouse near downtown with her husband. I haven't seen much of her lately, she's been rather busy." 

Kenji nods and looks around the hospital hallway, doctors and nurses brushing past them, "So you haven't talked to her this week?"

Shoko shakes her head, placing the edge of her clipboard against the center of her stomach, "No, she's been busy planning a housewarming party with her mother-in-law. I'm actually headed there after work."

"You are?" 

"I am."

They both stand there awkwardly, Shoko thumbing the edge of the clipboard, neither knowing exactly what to say that their connection outside of work had been severed. They had never truly been friends, a realization that dawns on both of them as they stand on the side of the busy hospital hallway. It makes Kenji wonder that if hadn't walked into that party that day if he hadn't spotted you, would he and Shoko have become closer friends? or would they have continued as co-workers who would occasionally speak about a patient and run into each other? He knew that there was no point in asking himself that now, no sense in pondering over the what-ifs. He'd approached her with the attention of getting close to you and he'd accomplished that, that he and Shoko hadn't become close in the time you and he had been together wasn't entirely his fault. She could've also made an effort. 

The seconds tick by slowly, both waiting for the other to walk away first, but neither going about their day. It's not until there's a large clang of a tray falling from the room Kenji was walking into that they start to move around each other, awkward goodbyes stumbling from their lips. Kenji pauses at the door, turning to look at Shoko one more time, swallowing the saliva in his mouth, "Do you think it would be okay if I went with you." He sees Shoko's unease, and can already hear the excuse she'd make to keep him from going with her, but Kenji is quick to explain himself. Quick to tug at her heartstrings, "I just want to see her, nothing more. I promise."

Shoko bites on her bottom lip, her heart wavering between doing what was right for her friend, and giving in to the broken man that stood before her. Kenji knew that if you were standing in front of her this very moment she wouldn't have made the choice that she does. "Okay. I'll be in the parking lot after my shift ends at five. We'll be a little late, but I already told her I'd be running late. I'll wait for you by my car."

Kenji gives her a lopsided smile and a curt nod, "Thanks, Shoko. It means a lot."

"Don't mention," she nods back and turns to walk off to whatever she had to do next.

The rest of the day seems to drag on slowly, patient after patient coming in through the hospital door, all while Kenji does his best to not let the workload weigh on his shoulders. He takes several small breaks in between patients, walking out into the hospital courtyard to smoke, which just reminds him of how you use to tease him about it. Telling him it was ironic that he was a doctor, but didn't have a problem with enjoying an occasional smoke. And now every time he'd lean against the wall, watching the birds fly overhead, and a cigarette dangling from his lips he was reminded of you. Even now as he walks out into the parking lot, lighting a smoke, he can't help but think and yearn for those days. 

He doesn't make far into the parking lot before he spots Shoko. She has two cups of coffee with her as she leans against the hood of her car. Already rid of the white coat and dressed in a red blouse and white pants, her watch and a few bracelets dangling from her wrist. Her hair has been let loose from the loose ponytail she would wear to work, tucked behind her ears. She's sipping from one of the cups while keeping the other in place on the hood. She glances over the rim to spot him making his way toward her.

"You're not smoking that in my car," she states, pushing off the hood and handing him the extra cup, "I don't what the smell to stick to the seats."

Kenji sighs irritatedly, but still tosses the half-consumed cigarette, stomping out with his foot as he takes the cup, "Don't you smoke?"

"I do, just not in my car," she responds.

The drive to the is rather quiet, tall buildings pass by, and people are out on the streets. Life outside the window hasn't changed, but it seems to have lost some of its vibrance when you broke up with Kenji. Sure the birds still sing, and the sun still shines however life lacks magic, like the flowers swaying to the soft chirping of the birds, and the sun's rays sprinkling color along the streets. 

Shoko interrupts his thoughts, turning at a light, both of her hands on the steering wheel, "Are you really just going to see her?"

Looking at her from the corner of his eyes, Kenji nods and looks ahead, your building coming into view, "I am."

Parking the car, she looks at him, eyes reflecting the warning tone of her voice, "I'm going to choose to believe you because I know how much you cared and loved her, but if you choose to step out of line, I myself will cut off your balls and feed them to you."

Kenji gulps and raises his hands, "I promise I'm just here to see her. I won't go near her unless she approaches me first." 

Shoko exhales loudly, "Good. Then let's go." Both of them exit the car, Shoko two steps ahead of Kenji, leading the way to the elevator. The ride up is much like the car ride, silent, awkward, and tense. They both stand on opposite sides, Shoko leaning against one of the rails, her hand wrapped around it, facing Kenji. He feels her eyes burning a hole in the side of her head, as she asks, "How have you been?"

Suddenly Kenji is very much aware of the stubble around his chin, and the hair that curls at his ears. The stains on his shirt feel like a batman signal to the entire world that he was everything but fine. Swallowing the lump that forms in the back of his throat, he answers, "I've been better, honestly." 

"Then do you think it's a good idea to come here and see her?" Shoko hums, brown eyes glancing at the numbers.

 It almost slips that this isn't his first time coming here. That the last time he came here didn't go well. He swallows down the guilt that weighs heavy in the back of his throat. He tells himself that things will be different this time, he wouldn't react as he did then, and you would now feel safe with people around. Still, Kenji keeps in mind that things might take a turn south as they did last week, but he wants to remain hopeful that this time things will be different since the atmosphere will be different. "I don't know. I won't know until I see her," he replies as the elevator dings.

Stepping out first, Shoko peers at him over her shoulder, "Okay, then, we're here." There's the sound of laughter and conversation traveling down the hall, seeping under the large black door to your home, that makes Kenji doubt anyone hears Shoko's knock. And then the door swings open, the sound of chatter no longer muffled by the thickness of the door.

Kenji expects to see you answering the door, but instead, he's greeted by the sight of a white-haired woman with a bright smile and dressed in an expensive white sweater and light brown pants, hair pinned at the nape. She has a glass of red wine in her hand, cheeks dusted in a light shade of pink. "Shoko you made it," She greets, giving a side hug and pulling her in, "y/n and Utahime have been waiting for you." The woman glances back at Kenji who follows behind, hands shoved in the pockets of his pants, before leaning to not so much whisper, "I didn't know you were bringing a date. He's quite a looker." 

"Oh it isn't like that, he's just a colleague."

"That's what all you young people say."

Their conversation fades into the background as he glances around the bottom floor. Dark eyes searching for you around the crowd, at least thirty people blocking his view. And then he spots you in the living room, seated on the couch in a white puffed long-sleeved blouse and a cream-colored knee-length skirt with a pair of white pointed flats, leaning into the side of who Kenji assumes is your husband. His hand slung over the back of the couch, his hand resting on your shoulder as he speaks with the dark-haired person sitting adjacent to him. 

You look bored, sipping on a half-empty glass of wine, smiling when the two men look at you and nod. Utahime is nowhere to be found. The sound of Shoko's voice prompts you to look towards the kitchen, a smile starting to spread on your lips at the sight of your friend. That is until you spot Kenji standing between her and your mother-in-law, staring at you. 

You stand abruptly, startling both your husband and his friend, wine swishing in its glass. Your eyes are wide with fear, lips opened, but they also reflect anger. Kenji swallows, nodding his head to greet you, and watches as your husband reaches up to touch your hand. You tear your gaze away from Kenji and look down at your husband, your lips moving as you answer whatever question he just asked before handing him your glass of wine. He hesitates as he takes it, and brings your hand up to his lips to kiss the back of your hand before you walk away around the large sectional, towards the three of them. 

Kenji's eyes don't leave you just as yours don't leave him, he watches every step you take. The way you walk is graceful, your head held high, and one foot touching the ground before the next comes up, there's a slight sway to your hips. 

You approach your mother-in-law first, your hand resting on her shoulder, "Saori, I think I heard that Mrs. Fumiko was looking for you." Turning to give Shoko and him a smile and a nod, "Hello." 

The woman looks over her shoulder, her hazel eyes scanning the crowd of people, "Was she now? I wonder what that woman wants." She turns back to face him and Shoko, giving them a polite smile as she excuses herself, "It was nice meeting you, and Shoko it was a pleasure seeing you, as always, I'll see you around later."

The three of you watch the woman walk away, disappearing into the crowd before you turn back around to face both of them. Your face is unreadable, lips pressed together tightly, and your head held high as always. But Kenji knows you better than anyone, having seen you at your most vulnerable moments in the three years you were together. Your face might not say much, but your body language speaks for itself. One of your hands is clasped over the wrist of your other hand, hiding the fact that you're shaking where you stand. Your shoulders are tense, and your foot keeps bouncing as you look over at Shoko and speak as steadily as you manage.

"I need to talk to Kenji, please keep Satoru occupied," you say, hand pushing down on the door knob.

"Y/n I don't think this is a good idea," Shoko starts, glancing over her shoulder at the crowd, "People will talk."

You give her a tight smile, placing your hand on her shoulder, "Don't worry, this will be quick. Just keep my husband busy." With that, you pull Kenji into the room and close the door behind you.

The room you pull him into is dark, the only light that illuminates the space is the one coming from the lamp on the desk on the far wall from the door. It takes his eyes a second to adjust to the dimness, the large black leather sectional

"You need to leave," you angrily mutter through your teeth, your eyes darting toward the closed office door when some passes by, "Satoru's here, and you can't be here."

"Yeah, I saw that," Kenji grumbles, running a hand over his face.

Crossing your arms over your chest you glare at him, speaking sternly to him, "Oh don't sound so angry, especially after the shit you pulled last week. You have no right to sound like you're jealous. Stop showing up here unannounced. I don't want to see you ever. We ended things, and I'm married."

He lets out a sigh, looking at you, eyes saddened as he speaks to you, "I know that too. I've been reminded every day since I last saw you in your wedding dress. You've also made sure I don't forget that fact every time I see you. You don't even bother to let me explain myself."

"I don't want to listen to whatever bullshit you have to say. I know what I saw, and what I saw was you in bed with another woman."

Kenji clenches his jaw and growls, "I know that!" He takes a deep breath calming himself down, highly aware that people might hear him if he speaks any louder, "I know what you saw, but that doesn't mean I slept with her. Look, I don't remember most of what happened that day, so I need you to listen to me. I need you to allow me a chance to prove myself to you, and then we can go back to how things were."

Your hands drop to your side, your bottom lip caught between your teeth. He can see you thinking your next words through thoroughly. Weighing the cons and pros of allowing him to clear things up.

"Even if I give you a chance to clear your name, it doesn't change the fact that I'm now married, and that I'm not going to divorce my husband. In fact, I can't divorce him, and you know that." You tap your foot on the floor, and glance at the door, "I think this is the last time we should ever see each other. My husband is outside this door, and I have guests to attend to,"

Kenji cautiously approaches you, he waits for you to step back as he raises his hands. Dark eyes scan your face for any signs that he should step back before his rough hands grab a hold of your face. A small sigh escapes his lips when you don't move away from him, the ache in his heart nulling. Your skin is as soft as ever, but your face feels much smaller now.

"You've lost weight," he comments, running his thumb along the highs of your cheeks.

"My weight is fine. I'm fine." You reply, unconsciously melting into the warmth of his hands, eyes closing as you inhale the strong woodsy fragrance of his cologne. 

"Your face is smaller," He continues, voice laced with concern, "Have you been skipping meals again?"

Your eyes open, and you look up at him with a softened expression while you answer with a deep sigh, "I'm eating just fine. I'm truthfully eating more than I use to since I barely do anything these days but lounge around this place." 

Kenji drops his hands, standing straight in front of you, the heat of his body radiating off, "You know I can't let you go that easily, right?"

You visibly swallow, holding your head high, eyes lachrymose and voice quivering, "I know," You open to say something else when the door to the office suddenly opens, making the two of you turn toward it.

Satoru stands at the door, hand resting on the knob as he looks at you two with his head tilted while you and Kenji look like two deers caught in the headlights of a fast-approaching vehicle. You're both frozen in place, staring directly at the person who brings the entire farce you had spent months building tumbling down. Your husband moves into the room, leaving the door open, speaking as he closes the distance between you and him, "I didn't know anyone was in here." His tone is accusatory, and the gaze of his eyes and the lopsided grin when he finally stands beside you tell you all that he's thinking. Satoru wraps an arm around your waist, pulling you into his side and pressing a kiss to your temple, teasing you, "I've been looking everywhere for you, honey."

You allow yourself to be pulled into his side, your arm encasing his waist. All while you look at Kenji, whose fists are clenched, "Well, I'm right here."

Satoru's eyes go over Kenji's figure, from his feet to the messy overgrown hair that curls around his ears, "Yeah, I see that."

You tear your gaze off Kenji and look up at your husband, pulling off a bright smile, "Oh, I don't think you two have met. This is Kenji, he works with Shoko."

Extending his hand, Satoru offers it to the dark-haired man, "It's nice to meet you, Kenji. I'm Satoru Gojo, y/n's husband." 

Kenji looks at you once, biting the inside of his cheek before taking Satoru's hand, "Likewise. You have a lovely home."

Their hands drop, and Satoru looks down at you. You who are still looking at Kenji, with a look he can't read. A look that has the inside of his stomach twisting and dropping. He clears his throat and looks back at the man in front of you, "Well, I hope you don't mind, but my mother is looking for my wife, so I'll be stealing her from you."

Forcing a smile, Kenji shrugs, "Not at all. I think we've both finished saying what we need to say."

 "Again, it was nice meeting you. Enjoy the party, there's plenty of food," Satoru's hold on your waist tightens as he starts to lead you out of the room, "Come on honey, mom wanted to ask what you wanted to do with the chocolate cakes since no one seems to be touching them."

Kenji watches the two of you walk out of the office. Anger and frustration mix as he watches you walk out in the arms of another man. His frustration grows when Satoru leans into your ear and loudly whispers, "Do you hang out with him a lot?"

You keep your eyes ahead while your husband leads you through the door with a large hand on the small of your back. Headshaking a little while you walk out to mingle with the guests, "Not really. He's more of a friend of Shoko and Utahime's."

~

You blink up at the man, his and extended with a red cup, and a lopsided smile on his lips. You eye the cup, watching the bubbles fizzle up to the surface, the soft sound still reaching your ears even over the sound of people's chitchat. 

Shaking your head you decline the drink, your eyes scanning the crowd for Shoko who had dragged you to another of her work parties, "Sorry, I don't take drinks from strangers."

The man nods, dropping his hand, and following your eyes, "I understand that. Are you looking for someone?"

You peek at him out the corner of your eye, noting his strong jaw and plump lips, "I am. My friend. I came here with her, but we got separated when her boss wanted to introduce her to someone, I haven't seen her since then."

"What does she look like? Name? Maybe I've seen or know her," he asks, turning back to look at you, "I also work here." 

You twist your head to look up at him, chewing on your bottom lip. He's looking down at you, eyes expectant. Turning back to the crowd you describe Shoko to him, "She's about this tall, with shoulder-length brown hair, that is tied into a bun, and she's wearing a baby blue dress that stops above her knees." You pause for a moment, "Her name is Shoko Ieiri."

The man snaps his fingers, making you jump a bit at the sudden sound, voice rising excitedly, "Oh, I know Shoko. I think I saw her go outside a few moments ago."

"Oh, Hime must be here," you reply, pausing to scan the crowd, ready to make a beeline towards the front of the building, getting ready to excuse yourself, but the man speaks first.

"Can I ask how you know Shoko? I know she has pretty friends, but I didn't know she had a friend as beautiful as you." 

"We're friends from high school, and kinda roommates," you answer, barely looking up at him, your face feeling as if it's been set on fire.

He hums and nods his head, "Wow, that's a long time to know someone. So I'm betting you live with Shoko and Utahime since they're roommates."

"I do know Utahime, and my living situation is a little complicated, so I room with them sometimes." You turn to him when your brain registers just how much he already knows about your friends, "Sorry if this comes out rude, I know how you know Shoko, but how do you know Utahime? And that they room together?"

He takes a sip from his glass of wine before answering you, "I've been over to Shoko's place over a few times and I've met her a few times. Though I've never seen you there."

Squinting your eyes you choose to believe him, and turn your attention back to the crowd, spotting Shoko and Utahime on the other end. "I kind of still live with my parents, so I'm only at their place when I need a place to crash before an exam."

"That explains why," he smiles, the curve of his lips making your stomach do flips, "I didn't get your name though."

Taking in a deep breath you catch a whiff of his cologne, and the world around you seems to pause for a moment as you give him your name. "Y/n L/n," it sounds like a whisper in your ears, the words freezing, engraving the words in that moment in time, waiting for his name to be carved next to them. "What about yours?"

"Kenji. Kenji Ono."

~

The sound of the knife slicing through the grapefruit echoes throughout the bottom floor of the penthouse, and Satoru glances up when he hears you curse. The knife has been dropped on the cutting board, grapefruit cut into eight slices, and you're holding your finger up to your lips, muttered curses falling from your lips. If Satoru hadn't felt a pang of panic at seeing you hurt he would've been shocked by the string of words, but he finds himself standing quickly and walking over. 

Reaches for a paper towel, pulling your hand away from your lips to wipe the blood off. He sounds worried when he speaks to you for the first time this morning, "Does it hurt a lot? Did you cut deep?" 

You blink up at him, staring at the curve of his eyelashes, surprised at the tone of his voice. Your voice quavering as you answer, unsure of what to make of the action, "I'm f-fine. It was just a small cut. See I barely even bled, just need a bandaid, and I'll be good." Tugging your hand out of his hold, you hiss when you feel your finger sting. 

Satoru drops his hand, taking a step back and letting you wash off the blood, his brain catching up to his body. He feels confused by his own action, blue eyes staring at the blood that washes down the drain. He clears his throat, "Okay, I'll go get the first aid kit, we still need to clean it a bit so it doesn't get infected. You wait here." He pulls a stool out and heads to the open office door.

He makes way for his desk, reaching behind it to pull out the drawer where he keeps a small first aid kit with bandages, alcohol wipes, and a small bottle of hydrogen peroxide. When he looks back up, he finds himself replaying the scene in which he had found you yesterday. Alone in a dimly lit room with a man standing much too close to you for his liking. The air had been tense between the two of you, both quickly stepping away from each other when he stepped inside. 

Satoru hadn't brought up last night, too tired from the afternoon to start an argument he'd lose to you. So he had watched you as you got ready for bed and climbed in next to him, your eyes had that far-off look that you woke up with this morning. The same eyes he was sure were brimming with tears yesterday when he dragged you off. He'd spent most of the night awake wondering who the man was to provoke such emotion in you to have you crying. To risk getting caught in what could be a scandal for the two of you. 

Letting out a frustrated sigh, he walks out of the room, his stomach swirling with an unfamiliar feeling that makes his head hurt. He finds you sitting on the stool he'd pulled out, a paper towel pressed to your finger, small dots of red bleeding through. "Still bleeding?" He asks you, dropping the first aid kit on the kitchen counter, peering at you from the side of his eye. He looms over you, forcing you to tilt your head back to look at him and nod, "Okay, put your hand here, and I'll clean it up real quick."

Satoru works quickly, ripping an alcohol swab open and cleaning the small cut on your finger, his hand coming up to grip your hand when you jerk away when it stings. He then cuts a small piece of a bandage, making a note to buy bandaids the next time he finds himself at a convenience store and wraps it around while he rubs small circles in the center of your palm.

"There, that should keep it from bleeding or getting infected," he says, skimming his thumb over the bandage, your hand much smaller in his. He fights the urge to press them together and see just how much bigger they are, and his touch lingers on the palm of your hand, listening to your quiet breathing. He waits for you to pull your hand back, but you remain still, your eyes burning holes on the top of his head. "Are you really not close to that guy from yesterday?" He asks, pressing down on the heel of your hand. 

Your breathing stops for a moment, and he can hear you swallow before you answer, "I told you, he's close to Shoko and Utahime."

He looks down at you, long white lashes brushing against his cheeks. You avoid his gaze, focusing on his thumb that's digging into your skin. He laughs under his breath, "Then how come you were in a closed room with him?"

You tense up in his hold, not responding immediately and pulling your hand from his, "I already told you that he's closer to the girls, I've only run into him a couple of times. If you're going to accuse me of something, don't be around the bush." 

Satoru had expected this, after months of living with you he grew to know that you always had to have the last word. Whether it was about him leaving the toilet seat up when it had been you early in the day when you had been cleaning, or misplaced items you would later find where you had left them, the last word always had to be yours. And by the look in your eyes, this time was no different.

He breathes out through his nose and steps back defeated, "Fine if you say so." You get off the stool and start to clean the grapefruit and board off the counter while he picks up the kit. The floor is filled again with silence, the sound of the AC clicking on echoing throughout, nothing out of the ordinary for a Sunday morning for the two of you. 

He turns to look at you, taking in your form that's only covered by a thin satin slip and untied robe, your hardened nipples peeking through the thin material. He knows his shooting, especially just avoiding a fight, but his feet move on their own, and his chest is pressed against your back. His right hand grazes the exposed skin of your thighs while his left slips beneath the top half, large hand cupping your breast. He smiles into the back of your head, inhaling the sweet smell of your shampoo, when your breath hitches and you elbow his stomach. 

"W-what are you doing?" your voice shakes, legs clamping together when he pinches and pulls on your nipple.

His breath fans over the nape of your neck, the hand on your thigh dipping into the inner part. His voice has dropped an octave, the sound has you leaning into his frame while he speaks to you, "Apologizing."

"You can apologize using words," you squeak, your legs closing around his hand to keep him from going any further, "And I'm not even ovulating, so there's no point."

Using his nose he nudges your hair out of the way and licks behind your ear, grinning when you yelp and squirm against him, your ass rubbing against the growing bulge in his pants. "I know, but you did agree that we'd talk about having sex outside of that. Right now seems like the perfect time to start."

"I agreed to talk about it, to arrange something, which we haven't, so please let me go," your voice trembles, body sinking deeper into his touch subconsciously.

With his strength, your husband manages to pry your legs open, fingers traveling up your nightgown, kneading the fat of your upper thighs. He doesn't go further, and slowly ruts into you from behind, whispering in your ear, "So let's come to an agreement now. Five times a week." 

Your cheeks burn, your breathing grows heavier, and the corners of your lips start to drool. You shake your head once, and mumble between breaths, "Three more times a month outside of when I'm ovulating."

"I'm a married man, not a monk," he groans, pushing his hips harshly against yours, and causing you to tumble over the counter. Your fingers gripping the edge, the body growing hotter under his touches. The inside of his mouth is starting to water, and the sound of your sweet whines has his head spinning so much that he can't think of anything but you, "Three times a week. Five when it's your ovulating week."

He turns you around, picking you up and wrapping your legs around his waist. He buries his head in your neck while he makes his way for the living room couch, large hands spread on the globes of your ass. Your breathing and swallowing heavily against his ear, your mind becoming overwhelmed by his presence and his needy touches. He's sure if he keeps this up you'll agree to anything he wants.

You shake your head, opening your lips to propose something else, but Satoru sinks his teeth into your shoulder, making you cry out. His groans into the bite, your nails digging into his shoulders, before he drops you onto the couch. 

He runs a tongue over his bottom lip while looking down at your pouting face, your fingers running over the bit mark, "Did you really have to do that?"

Satoru smirks down at you, dropping down to his knees in front of you, and pulls your leg over his shoulder. He nibbles on your calf, slowly moving upwards, "I did. You were about to say something that I wasn't going to agree to." He's at the hem of your slip, both your legs thrown over his shoulders and his fingers splayed across the back of your thighs, pushing your legs towards your chest, massaging them. "Come on, y/n, three times a week isn't that bad. Especially when it's going to be me between your pretty legs."

Looking up at you through his lashes, he can see the doubt in your eyes. Your bottom lip is caught between your teeth, and your hands are gripping the end of the couch. But your chest is also rising and falling rapidly, and your upper thighs rubbing against each other. There's a dazed look in your eyes that can only be described as lust. Satoru pushes his luck a little more, his head slipping under your gown. 

He laughs when you jump upwards towards his lips when his breath brushes against your sopping core, a wet spot in your cute pink panties. He nibbles on the inside of your thighs, groaning when he feels them squeeze his head. You groan above him, your hand coming to rest on the crown of his head.

When you talk you sound out of breath, your voice quivering as you give in to his bid, "Fine, three times a week, but that's all," you swallow moving your hips closer to his lips, "Don't try doing it more than that. Got it?"

Pulling your legs up until your thighs are resting on his shoulders, fingers pulling at the waistband of your underwear, he agrees hesitantly, wanting to push for the five times a week, "I got it, don't worry. Now let's get started." 

Satoru isn't sure what you did to him. Maybe you cast a spell on him the first night you spent together as husband and wife, to have him craving your touch. Or maybe your words that day, when you said you didn't care for him, had hurt his ego so much that he wanted to test just how true the words were. Whatever you did, or said, had his chest fluttering just by thinking of you. It had him on the verge of devotion, of becoming the sole believer of whatever religion you were. 

~

Satoru glances up from the paperwork in front of him, Yuna stepping in with both her hands clasped in front of her, the falling sun casting a warm yellow glow over her face. She gives him a smile, slowly approaches the front of his desk, and places a stack of small papers. “These are the last papers you have to sign today,” she takes a step back, “I’ll be leaving now. Is there anything else you need sir?”

“No, you can go,” he answers, inhaling through his nose and reaching for the papers, “Have a nice night, Yuna, I’ll see you tomorrow.”

“You too, sir,” she nods, turning on her heel and exiting the office in a hurry, not giving Satoru the chance to change his mind. 

He chuckles and turns his attention to the last of his work, quickly signing off his name on each dotted line Yuna has marked, his mind wandering to you. In just less than an hour he'd be back at the penthouse, eating a warm meal that you cooked, before climbing under the covers next to you. In less than an hour, he'd have his arms wrapped around your warm body. He finds himself grinning while he daydreams about it. His smile falters as Suguru's words replay in the back of his mind. 

Do you think you have feelings for y/n?

Satoru wasn't sure of his answer still. He doubted he could call the daily routine the two of you have fallen into over the course of the six months of love. He didn't know if the way his shoulders untensed at the sound of your voice welcoming him home could be called love. Or if the way he'd find himself randomly daydreaming about you would be considered love. 

Because to him, love was the way his father would place the cup of sugar closer to his mother's side of the table. Love was the way his mother would make sure there were at least two things at the table his father would enjoy, the way she would warm his towel or clothes before he changed. It was the way his father would ask for the flowers to be changed as soon as the single rose in his office started to wilt. Love was the way his parents would look at each other, eyes softened and tiny smiles exchanged while holding each other's hands. say from his left, the sound of popping gum echoing in his ears. He turns his head slightly towards the sound, spotting the owner of the voice. 

You and Satoru did now of those things. But it still didn't explain why he found himself seeking out your warmth whenever he could.

Signing his name on the last paper, he stands and reaches for his jacket that's draped over the back of his chair, the sound of his feet filling in the space of his office as he exits. The door closes behind him, the halls of the top floor almost bare of any life, a few of the employees pausing to wish him a good night and weekend, while others are too eager to get home that he doesn't even register to them. He leisurely walks towards the elevator, hand shoved into the pocket of his pants, humming to himself. 

Satoru lets the people who arrived before him get on, politely declining their offers to let him on first, knowing just how eager they are to arrive home. He can see it in their faces, can see the enthusiasm of the married men and women to arrive home to their families. And he finds himself thinking of you again for the millionth time today. 

A smile outstretches on his face as he rides down. Your face flashes in his mind and the sweet sound of your "welcome home" reproduces in his ears. If he focuses enough he can even catch a whiff of your shampoo and perfume, of the smells of the kitchen swirling while you move about in it. The smell of your tasty cooking substitutes the smell of coming from the scent of the aromas coming from the cafeteria when he steps out following the crowd.

He trails after everyone into the street, the sound of the cars driving past draws him out of his thoughts. The street is busy, with people grabbing taxis to head home and others walking in and out of the small shops and restaurants that decorate it. His eyes scan the shops, looking for a small flower shop he had walked by several months back.

He freezes in his tracks though when he hears his name being called out over the sound of the engines and the chatter of people. It's dulcet and saccharine, but Satoru knows all too well that there's also venom laced in the sweet melodic sounds.

He turns to find a woman with red-brown hair and light green eyes. Her white heels click on the sidewalk as she emerges from the corner of the building she had been leaning against. Her long baby blue pants touch the ground, and her midriff is peaking between the waistband and the hem of her matching top, her shoulders exposed despite the cold. She grins at him, the red tint of her lips drawing his attention to them, a color he used to favor on women.

"You've been avoiding me," He hears someone say from his left, the sound of popping gum echoing in his ears. He turns his head slightly towards the sound, spotting the owner of the voice. 

Taking a deep breath he says her name, leaving a bitter taste inside his mouth as he takes one step towards her, "Mina." 

The woman smirks, pushing herself off the wall she leaning against one, her tall heels clicking on the cement, "The one and only."  

How long had it been since he had last seen her? Freshman year of college? Perhaps, he wasn't sure, all he remembered at this moment was the smile that played on her lips the last time they saw each other. A part of him still recalls the ache he'd felt in his chest as he watched her walk away. He still remembers the warm mornings in their dorms and the way his shirts would swallow her. The sharpness of her tongue when they'd fight and she'd call him nothing but a spoiled brat who'd had everything handed to him before telling him to jump off a cliff.

Three years older than him and he'd thought he'd be able to build a future with her every time they found themselves making up. But she had apparently thought otherwise when she graduated and left to work abroad. Telling him she'd just seen him as a pastime, her little boy toy.

Satoru's nails dig into the palm of his hand as Mina nears him, the strong citrus aroma of her perfume engulfing him in it. He stares down at her, blue eyes clouded by anger. All he wanted was for her to get out of his sight. "What do you want?" He asks.

Mina pouts up at him and leans closer to him, fluttering her lashes, "Oh don't sound so mean 'Toru. We haven't seen each other in a while, don't tell me you're still angry." 

Standing up straighter, Satoru unclasps his hands, small red moon crescent shapes imprinted in the palm. "Why would I? Like you said it's been years, and I'm married now."

"I heard," she grins, straightening back up, "Is that the same girl you wouldn't stop talking about back then? You know the one you said was a bore."

He answers through clenched teeth, "And if it is."

Mina bites her bottom lip for a moment before grinning, "Mmmh, that's surprising."

Satoru gulps, inhaling through his nose, speaking sharply to her, "Why are you here? What do you want from me? Why are you did show up all of the sudden?"

Mina looks around the street, both her hands behind her back, "Let's go get some coffee. For old time's sake, and we can talk then."

"I'd rather not," he declines, "I have to go home. My wife is waiting for me."

A low whistle leaves Mina's lips, the grin on her face spreading, "Wow, didn't think I'd ever hear you say those words, but fine, I guess we can talk here." She takes another step closer to him, their breaths almost mix together, talking just loud enough for him to hear him over the sounds of the busy street, the corners of her lips spreading further across her face, "I just wanted to see you."

~

You hear the bedroom door open and shut, soft muffled steps traveling through the closed bathroom door. Shrugging you turn the faucet on, listening to the sound of the water filling the tub, your hand dipping in and out of the warm, causing waves to ripple through. Steam starts to fill the room up quickly, the mirrors fogging up, and some pouring out through the small crack of the door. 

Your husband is rummaging on the other side. His shadow passes by the bathroom door as he digs through the nightstand on your side of the bed. You don't pay him any mind, and keep waiting for the tub to fill, ready to wash away the stress of the day. The trip to the orphanage and preparing the dinner right afterward had tired you out. You had also decided to pay a visit to your parents, listening to your mother's drunken ramblings about the gossip that everyone was talking about. Then you went and had lunch with the girls, Shoko's tight schedule forcing you to meet her at the hospital for a quick bite which in turn made you run into your ex-lover. The sight of him causes the inside of your stomach to churn and your heart to flutter. You were thankful he didn't speak to you, and just gave you a nod of acknowledgment before continuing on with his work.

After all that, you were more than ready to find some quiet time for yourself. If only your husband would stop making noise outside the door. Letting out an annoyed sigh, you shut the water off, and stand, undoing the knot that kept your robe closed. The cotton robe drops to your feet, the cool air of the bathroom nipping at your skin. The sounds outside the bathroom door stop.

Satoru hovers by the door peering in through the crack in the door. Your back is facing him, sitting, the towel around your body dropping down to the floor, pooling around your feet. Satoru swallows the spit in his mouth, watching your back muscles flex as you reach up to clip your hair to the back of your hand. His blue eyes trail down your body, his pants feeling tighter. 

You climb into the tub, slowly sitting down and resting your head along the edge. The warm water helps your body relax and the stresses of the day vanish. The scent of lavender spreads across the room, your eyes drooping closed, and the soft sound of shuffling coming in from your shared room.

The door creaks open, cold biting at your exposed shoulders for a moment, before clicking shut. You don't have to open your eyes to know that Satoru has walked, the sound of his footsteps on the tiled floor is familiar enough after him doing this multiple times already. You feel him kneel next to the tub, his hand dipping into the warm water, which softly slushes. You wait for him to say something, but he remains silent by your side.

Peeking at him through your lashes you see him staring at the bubbles that obscure his view of your body. The collar of his shirt is sticking up, the top three buttons are undone, and his hair is disheveled. There's a long distant look in his eyes, a lost look, and his teeth are digging into the corner of his bottom lip. 

You close your eyes again, sinking deeper into the water, and ask, "What's wrong?" 

There's no concern in your voice, but Satoru looks up at you for the first time since he walked in. You relaxed, he tell that much, and he doesn't want to ruin it. "Nothing. Just a long day." He dips his hand further into the warm, feeling the heat of your body when his knuckles brush against the side of your thigh. Some of the tension in his body eases up, and he wants to be closer to you suddenly. "Mind if I climb in?"

You peer at him through your lashes again, wanting to see if he has any ulterior intentions, but you just find him staring at you with a sad puppy look. His bottom lip jutted out while he waits for you to give him permission. You sigh, feeling the water already starting to cool, "Fine." 

Your husband quickly rises to his feet, undoing the rest of the buttons on his shirt before hastily undoing the buckle of his belt. He sits on the edge of the tub and pulls his socks off, almost falling into the water still fully dressed. Meanwhile, you relax back into the water, watching as he pulls his pants off, followed by his shirt being tossed on the floor. 

Satoru climbs in behind you once his fully undressed, long legs encase you, and his semi-hard length presses onto your back. He wraps both arms around you, pressing a soft kiss onto your shoulder, which doesn't surprise you anymore after months of his shows of affection growing. Resting his chin on your shoulder, he starts to hum and you relax into him, letting the low vibrations soothe you.

"Did you have a long day at work? You said you'd be here earlier, but got here later than you said." You mutter, rubbing circles onto his hand.

He leans his head onto yours, his humming ceasing for a moment, "Kind of. Some unexpected work came up and I had to get a quick bite with someone."

"Were they important?"

He pauses again, "I think at one point they would've been, but they're not as influential now."

You nod your head, letting it rest on his shoulder, "Well, let me know next time, I was waiting for you to have dinner."

"Sorry, I will."

"Thank you." The bathroom falls quiet for a few moments, Satoru's warmth enveloping you as the water turns lukewarm. Suddenly you recall an important, one that you had made sure to remember for almost twenty years. "Your birthday is coming up."

"Yeah. In two more weeks. Why?"

You shrug, "It's the first birthday we'll be spending together since high school, and I was thinking we should do something." You open your eyes and look at him, "So what do you want to do?"

He blinks at you for a few moments, as if your asking him was out of the norm. Maybe he thought that you confessing that you no longer had romantic feelings for him meant you won't remember important dates such as his birthday. He finally answers with a shrug, "I don't know. I usually just have dinner with my parents or go on a trip with Suguru, but we haven't talked about anything."

You purse your lips, "Okay then...How about a mini-vacation? Somewhere with lots of good food, and sweets? We can invite your parents, Suguru, and a couple of other friends."

Satoru grins down at you, "Are you being considerate?"

You playfully slap his arm, "Look just because I don't love you, doesn't mean I want you to have a horrible birthday." Raising an eyebrow you lean closer to him, "So, mini-vacation, or would you rather do something else?"

He smiles again, pressing his forehead to yours, "A mini-vacation sounds great."

"Then it's decided," You say getting up, cold water dripping down your bare body, "Now let's go to bed. I'm tired and I want to sleep in tomorrow before going to your parent's."

Satoru groans as he follows you out of the tub, wrapping a towel around his waist, "I forgot to bring clothes. I'll see you in a little." With that, he disappears into the dimly lit bedroom.

You shake your head as you watch him leave, towel hanging low on his hips while drying yourself off and changing into a nightgown. You clean up afterward, the sound of Satoru climbing into bed and reaching your ears while you do so. The last thing you do is pick up the discarded robes, throw them into the bin of your clothes, and spot Satoru's clothes on the floor near the tub. 

You pick his shirt up, ready to toss it in the clothes bin, but you catch the scent of another women's perfume. One that doesn't belong to you or his secretary.

© Copyright 2022. Dearestgojo. All rights reserved.

Taglist(closed): @thetempleofnyx  @legbouk @purplecandygerl @cloudsinthecosmos  @watyousayin @descargueestoporgojosatoru @moonlightaangel  @the-amaranthine  @vintagexparker  @fushiigumi03  @pyschopotatomeme  @mekorausada  @belovedcherry  @my-names-angel-but-im-not-one  @kellyyween  @shintin  @rntrsuna  @crispmarshmallow  @weebotaku21  @ekaterinatepes  @artemisthestar  @levisfav  @lezgohome @winter-bearv  @attackonsimpp  @rogueofbullshit @no-name-jack @katelyns-stuff @to-sneak-away-and-hide  @nobamakiist @shuxjodie

[sleepysnk]

a/n: hard to believe this is our second to last update until the story is finished </3. thank you all for being so patient with me and i hope you all enjoy!

pairings: obito uchiha x fem!reader

warnings: modern au, arguing (?), angst, mentions of past relationships, mentions of cheating, mother-daughter moments.

The Beach: Chapter Thirty-Four

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Obito had never felt more anxiety in his life than he did right now.

The day was somewhat cloudy with a few peeks of sun managing to squeeze through them. Obito was sitting inside of his car with a racing heart as he watched your apartment building with darting eyes. He knew it may not have been the greatest idea to show up to your place unannounced, but it was the only way he could get you to talk to him. He tried unblocking you on your social media, but he discovered you had pretty much done the same thing. He honestly knew he had it coming. He was an asshole. He didn’t think he deserved your kindness anymore, but he wanted to at least try and mend whatever was left of your broken romance. 

Kakashi gave him the idea to go that day after speaking with him the previous night. Obito’s class had gotten canceled so he had the free time to visit you. He knew it might not go the way he desired, so he was mentally preparing himself for what was to come. You could have a number of reactions and they were endless. He just wanted to communicate with you about the entire situation.

Obito’s eyes kept flickering at the front door of your apartment building. Occasionally, there would be a random person who would enter or exit, but none of them were you. He was practically eating himself on the inside because of how nervous he was to face you again. He wondered if there was the possibility that you weren’t going to come home right away. If that was the case, he would wait. He didn’t care how long it took you to arrive. He cared too much about your relationship with him to let it go. He knew he messed up. He was well aware of that, but all he could do now was try to make up for what he had done. 

His stomach dropped the moment he saw you walking up the path to your front door. There was a part of him that was hesitating. The voice inside his head was telling him to just drive away and leave you be for the rest of time, but he fought through that voice and exited his vehicle. He could feel his heart slamming against his rib cage which was making him all the more queasy about the entire situation. Obito practically had to rush towards you because you were walking so damn fast towards the entrance of your building. He hoped you would hear him out. He was praying so hard.

“(Y/N)!”

The sound of your name being called made you pause in your steps. You turned around swiftly and stared at a familiar face. 

Obito.

Your heart began to thump wildly at the sight of him standing before you. You could tell he seemed anxious. Being with him for as long as you were, you learned to study the man’s body language and it was clear he was nervous about being in your presence. You didn’t miss the way his fingers fidgeted and how he seemed to be breathing a little heavier than usual. Regardless, you were surprised. You thought your outburst just a couple days prior had set the record straight on everything going on, but it seemed like he was still persistent on talking with you. It reminded you too much of Itachi and how he was always somehow finding you when you were alone.

You sighed, turning to face the man. Your expression shifted quickly and Obito didn’t fail to notice. “What, Obito? What do you want? I already told you I don’t wanna talk with you anymore.” you tried your best to remain calm, but irritation was flooding over your senses and fast. 

Obito hated hearing you talk with him in such a manner. Just a month or two ago, you were sweet talking to him after sex and discussing personal matters. He never imagined that you two would be on opposing sides and disliking one another over a complete misunderstanding. One that was his fault. He wished he wasn’t so stubborn. He wished most of all that he didn’t let his insecurity and jealousy get the best of him. “I just wanna talk about what happened.. I know you don’t wanna see me, but please, you have to hear me out!” he exclaimed, trying his best to seem assertive. “I fucked up and I know that. I just wanna clear the air with you!”

“Obito-“

“I know about Itachi and what he did to you.”

Your eyes went to make eye contact with his serious ones. You didn’t think he would have mentioned his name. You also wondered how he found out, because besides Konan and Kakashi, there were few people who were aware of what happened. Obito wasn’t an idiot. He probably found out from someone and the fact that he had the nerve to act guilty made you very annoyed. Just because he figured out what happened doesn’t mean he’s forgiven automatically. You honestly didn’t know what to say to him. In any situation, any person would be speechless at the mention of an ex who did you horribly wrong.

Instead of fighting and using your words to spit venom at him, you decided to do what you did from the beginning of the situation.

Walk away.

You simply ignored him and walked inside of your apartment building, leaving Obito on his own. He watched you turn down the hallway and disappear. He honestly didn’t know what to feel, but there was this huge ache in his chest. He tried to talk to you and it seemed like you were done with him. He didn’t blame you either. He said horrible things about you and made your relationship tarnish with just a few actions. Maybe this was what he deserved. You were such an amazing person and Obito became the person he never wanted to be. A monster among men.

He left the spot he was at and got into his car, feeling loneliness consume his heart. Your silence spoke more than any sentence could. It was over. Whatever you two had was now gone and down the drain forever. It was a hard pill to swallow, but Obito knew it was probably for the best. He didn’t deserve your warm heart after what he had done. He had so many regrets in his life and this was one of them that just topped the list. 

He had to move on without you.

Inside your apartment, you were sitting on your bed with many thoughts swirling around your brain. Obito finding out about Itachi was still surprising to you, but seeing him in person made it all the more hard for you. You could tell he was being sincere about his apology to you. You fucking knew and that’s what hurt the most. You were so tired of feeling the way you did, but you were also trying to move on. It was an overwhelming amount of emotions that had been threatening to come out for so long, and seeing Obito come out of his way to try and fix things made it all bubble over. 

Tears threatened your lash line, making your vision blurry from the burning sensation the water brought to your eyes. You hated the fact that he was there in front of you. Couldn’t he just go away? 

The sound of your phone vibrating brought your thoughts to an immediate halt. You reached over to your bed side table to see what the notification was, and much to your surprise, you saw that Itachi had messaged you. It made your stomach twist in a knot and you honestly wanted to disappear at that very moment. You had honestly forgotten about the whole phone number incident until he had texted you just now. You pressed on the message and read the words on your screen, feeling a wave of emotions washing over you at that moment.

Itachi: hey, we still going on that date? let me know.. i miss you.

Seeing those words process through your brain made you even more upset than you were before. This entire situation had brought you so much chaos that it drained you to even think about either of the two men who had wronged you. All you wanted was some peace, but in some shitty way, you still cared for them. You knew at some point you would have to make a choice and it seemed like you had already decided, but it wasn’t that easy. You were still conflicted on everything. 

You hadn’t realized you were crying until a water droplet fell into your leg. You really despised showing this kind of weakness, but it was so damn frustrating. It seemed like wherever you went, there was always some kind of problem making your life harder than it needed to be. It was always something new. You just wanted a break from it all. The last thing you wanted was to end up in that hellhole you were in just a month or two ago. You just wanted to breathe, but that was impossible. The other issue is that everyone assumed you were okay after what had gone down. You felt like if you expressed any sort of downward emotion, your friends would immediately panic and have to come rescue you. That’s not what you wanted. You wanted to handle it on your own but you knew you couldn’t. 

Wiping your tears, you grabbed your phone again. You began to scroll through your contacts to find the one person in your life that wouldn’t shun you away when you were upset with anything.

Your mother.

You pressed the call option and held your phone to your ear, waiting as it rang. It took a few tries, but you eventually heard the phone click and the call had begun. It made you nervous. You never really called your parents unless there was an extreme emergency. “Hello? (Y/N)? Is everything okay?” your mother’s sweet voice made more tears come to your eyes, which you didn’t want, but you couldn’t stop it. 

You sniffled, trying your best to not make it sound like you had been crying. However, mother’s knew more than anyone else, and she could easily tell that you were upset. “Y-Yeah.. um.. I’m just having a very hard time right now. I really don’t know what to do.. and.. god, it’s fucking with me.” you sighed. “I just really need a friend right now.”

You could hear your mom moving around, seemingly getting comfortable listening to you. “What’s the problem, sweetheart? I’m here to listen..” she asked, concerned filling her voice.

With a deep breath, you began to explain everything that had happened in the past few weeks. From you and Obito starting your friends with benefits, to the conclusion of it. You then explained the issue with Itachi suddenly coming back into the picture, trying to beg for your forgiveness and bring you back into his life. You also spoke about Obito trying to do the exact same thing, which sort of annoyed you to talk about, but it was all on your mind. All of it spilled out and hearing some things out loud honestly sounded really bad, and you could tell your mom felt the same exact way about it. 

Once you finished, you feared what your mom might say. She could either want to slap you or would comfort you like any parent would. Either was an option and that’s what made you nervous.

She let out a sigh, which made you scared. “I see you’ve gotten yourself in quite the pickle, huh?” she chuckled, which soothed any anxiety you had about her reaction. “I think both of them aren’t great for what they did to you, (Y/N). Itachi especially.. he brought you a lot of pain, but Obito is also another one who did the same to you. I don’t think either of them are great guys, but you’re also an adult, and I know you can make the right decision. So.. ask yourself, who do you really think you want to keep around? Be honest with yourself, honey.”

There was a moment of silence on your end. You began to ponder her question. All of these memories flashed inside of your brain. Some of them were good, but some of them were really bad. It was a hard decision for you, but the first person who popped in your mind was him. The guy who made you the happiest no matter what the circumstances were.

Your decision had been made.

You spoke with your mother briefly for a few minutes about your choice. She told you that she would support you regardless, even if she didn’t necessarily agree with it. You thanked her for listening to you and making you feel much better about the situation at hand. She really made you think. It was something you had been needing to do instead of running from the problem that had been plaguing you for the longest. It made you sad that some things had to end, but you were making the choice that was the best for you. 

It was time to finish things off.

The Next Day

It had been such a long time since you had woken up without a racing heart. You honestly had gotten used to the sensation of your muscle beating against your chest at a quick rhythm every morning, but for some reason, today you woke up with confidence. There wasn’t anxiety weighing over your head and making you feel nervous. No, it was all down the drain.

You weren’t worried.

There was some sense of unease, though. Today could go one of two ways, and you weren’t sure how it could unfold. However, you were ready to fix things and turn your life around. 

You were in your car driving to the destination. It was somewhat of a decent drive, but you knew it like the back of your hand. You honestly didn’t know what you were going to say, but with Konan and your mom’s help, you were able to come up with a few things that would sound right. There was some mixed feelings going around in your gut, but you had to get it together. You were ready to let go of the past and make things right with the one guy that you knew was the best option for you. It was hard enough that you had put so much space between you both, but you were now ready to close the gap and stay with him forever.

And now, as you stood at the spot where you knew you fell in love with him, you knew you made the right decision.

The crashing tides and sea breeze were nostalgic to you. The beach was your favorite spot and it was also the place you knew you would find him at.

“Obito?”

[tortured-swiftie]

The Tortured Poets Department predictions:

Genre: alternative pop/rock (wcs, i can see you, evermore (album) vibes more than folky folklore or poppy midnights)

I think this will be an album centered on the breakdown and eventual breakup of a relationship. It will mirror red in a sense but be a lot more mature. I dont think this album will update us much on her more recent life and emotions. An album that explores all the different emotions and experiences from ending a very important relationship.

My prediction on the tracks (specifically the predictions that seem to differ to the ones Ive seen online so far). I havent included predictions that we all collectively seem to agree on :

Down Bad - self-reflective song that looks at the overall relationship and the ending too - she was so in love she ignored signs they weren't quite right for eachother or the relationship was no longer beneficial for either of them. She's down bad so she became down, bad. Written possibly pre-breakup.

So Long London - outlining how she created this life for herself in a "foreign country" and how it feels to let it go and let the part of herself go that wanted this life so much. Im expecting something like All Too Well - zooming in on specific memories and linking them together. A very very deeply hurt song that will be a stream of conciousness.

Fresh Out The Slammer - going through how it felt to be out in the world single again and how terrifying that must have felt, how she dreaded it and how she was carrying this weight of the heartbreak she ought to have felt around with her but to find she was ok. She was more than ok. Like each step she takes she sheds more and more of the person she was the last few years and peels back the layers and sheds that weight. By the end of the song she no longer feels hopeless.

Florida!!! - i think this is gonna slap, its gonna be an intense song about just being revitalised post-breakup, realising your self-worth, maybe even being angry at yourself that you took this long to get to this stage and this decision. And to top it off, you have this realisation in Florida of all places. I am maybe expecting a sound like Daffodil by Florence since she is a feature

Guilty as Sin? - I think on the heels of exploring her past, her relationships, how they ended in the last album but also through all the re-recordings, this song may be an exploration of "am I the problem?" There may even be callbacks and references to past songs that point to specific relationships/time

I Can Do It With A Broken Heart - the bejeweled of the album. Her realisation that she just is THAT good, she can even perform the love songs with her whole chest while heartbroken. Its ballsy, its gutsy and its empowering.

The Smallest Man Who Ever Lived - a very meloncholy and vulnerable track with parallels to peace (your integrity makes me feel small) - she feels like the smallest person in the world she is nothing without this love. And then by the end of the song she realises that she is more than just her relationship and finds her voice. Also written possibly pre-breakup.

[hotdamnmadison]

Now that I’m back…

I thought I’d talk about my trip and give more life updates. My little vacation was… stressful, to say the least. A lot of hiccups, bumps in the road, and rough nights of sleep (I can’t tell you how much I loved being in my own bed again last night).

All of that aside I still had a great time and I was able to decompress a little bit. I also think (fingers crossed) that the job search is finally headed in the right direction and I may have something promising. It would give me a chance to blog more too! Nothing wrong with that :)

I did lose track of the one guy I was chatting with pretty regularly (starting to sound like a broken record I know). His email address started coming up with “return to sender” messages so poof I guess I’m as single as ever 😅 any cute guy looking to change that…?

Lastly, I want to say thanks again for all of the new people who have started to follow me and re-blog my content. I came back to literally hundreds of new followers which was an awesome treat. Stick around and I’ll try and make it worth your while.

Everyone have a happy hump day 🐫

- Madi ❤️

[sunshinexlollipops]

I just started reading amidst a clash of worlds last week and just got to your most recent update note, from about a year ago, today. Given that it's been a bit, im sure someome has already asked this on here so im sorry, but to you ever plan on finishing it? And thank u for gifting us all with an amazing fic

ACW specific ask but last that I'll answer today just so I don't spam the timeline -- but hey there @daydreamingofausten!

will I finish ACW? yes. 100% yes.

even though I'm not sure where I am on writing (I'm having to reconnect with it and stretch that creative muscle, as it completely got cut off from me since 2021 / when I last updated). I have thought so much about ACW and the last chapter of it during the entire time I've been gone. I know I sound like a broken record about it, but in a way, I think it counts that even if it sounds like the same disappointing tune, I've never strayed far from my intentions to come back, even if my guesses as to when were not right, or it seemed like I was hot and cold about it.

ACW means a lot to me and the story has always been one I wanted to finish simply because it was something that changed for a lot of me. also, you and others who responded to the story in a way I've never had readers do. sure, my writing has been enjoyed, but people have never *asked* me about things like this story. I also gained a few good friends and people who stood behind me specifically because of this story. I may have disappeared. I may have unintentionally withered some connections moots because of that absence. I'm not sure if everyone who was waiting since my last update will come around for whatever I manage to do, and whenever I manage to do it. but I'll forever be grateful and aware of the impact of this story had on me and those who read it. it really stands out for me and I have a deep connection to it for that alone. so even if things may not be golden like they used to be for the community around my fic, and that I know I'm a huge reason why that occurred, I'm still looking forward to the day I share with you all the final part of that story and how it wraps up together in the way I always dreamt out.

I do apologize to all for the wait. and for the lack of knowing even now when it'll be over. but despite all that, I have always intended to finish ACW and one day, I shall.

first, I need to get back into writing and figure out how to reconnect and work with that part of myself again. I'm medicated amongst other things, but it's like physical therapy, almost. I have to learn how to walk before I run off with ACW, lol. but now that is eventually a goal I fully intent to fulfill.

I'm happy to hear you still gave my story a shot and enjoyed it as you have! I hope you will be around for when I get my shit together and ACW is given the ending it deserves. because it really will be an emotional doozy and for me, a huge personal milestone. either way, I can't thank you enough for enjoying it as you have, for spending your time reading it and waiting just as I've spent mine on writing and thinking of it. it really means so much to me. <3

[gg-selvish]

i saw your post and i realized that i definitely haven't left enough comments on your ao3 works for how much i enjoy them, so here. i wanted to let you know that you are one of my favorite, if not my all-time favorite, dream team writer. i love to read your nsfw works because they're hot and sexy, yes, but also? you have one of the best characterizations of the guys that i've seen, ESPECIALLY in nsfw works. i have had to almost immediately click off of so many fics because they just don't get the characters and their dynamics right imo, but your fics? i read them over and over. every single time i get an email that you've updated or posted a piece, i genuinely get so excited when i see that it's you.

your karl/george series is something that i will love forever and ever. i'm ace and i adore the way you portrayed karl and his sexuality in every one. it's so refreshing to find a good nsfw work that has a well written asexual character!!! i may not like knf as a ship very much, but i love them the way you write them so much.

there's so much i'm probably forgetting to say right now, but just know that i thoroughly love everything i've read from you. your works are amazing with and without the nsfw parts. please know that there are people out there (me) reading your fics for more than the smut. you deserve to know that.

<3

okay wow um this is a lot in a very good way but i'm definitely overwhelmed? normally when i get nice stuff like this i just say thank you but i've been in a chatty mood today so i'm going to turn this into A Thing if u dont mind... i really, really appreciate this. i've had a strange experience in this fandom where the whole time i've been here i've had a pretty even split of 'you're a delusional freak and i hope you die' and 'you're my favourite author please never stop posting' and my brain doesn't really know what to do about the black and white of it so normally i just move on and block it out but that's lead to me being incredibly insecure about myself and my work so i'm going to try really hard to process this and internalize it lol

so again, thank you so much for saying this to me. it really means a lot to me to hear that people like my fic because it takes up so much space in my brain and sometimes i get worried i'm only still getting any positive acknowledgement out of obligation and less so because what i'm doing is actually worth a compliment. i've felt really bad about my writing for a while now and it's nice to hear from someone who isn't my established friend that it's worth reading. and enjoyed too! wow thats crazy to me genuinely. i really do think im shit most days. especially my works of the last stretch.

regarding you (& only you) this is a lot easier for me to hear. i love that series so much and it makes my heart happy to know other ace people appreciate it and view it as positive representation because i'm asexual and always worry it reads as just porn. this comes into play with the comments thing again... me putting a lot of personal experience and deep thought into dynamics with no pay off. obviously i'm not saying every fic in that series is groundbreaking or even worth reading, but idk they each have a piece of importance to them. at least to me. i was just saying the other day that in my lapses of writers block i get anxious about the last thing i've posted being not my best work. in this current hiatus i'm in i'm actually quite content with EASE being the latest work in my recents. sure rules is unfinished but i kind of hate that fic so whatever. EASE is good. i love how that turned out and i'm proud of it and comfortable with that being the first thing people see on my profile

all insecurity and internal pressure aside i love writing for this fandom and hope i can do it for at least a little longer. i'm immeasurably grateful that people are willing to still read what i create, it makes creating it a little easier. i sound like a broken record but really thank you for this. it means more to me than you could know.

[sadwinning]

Devlog 2 (4/28/24): A game plan

The plan does not involve soldering anytime soon. This will not stop me from looking up and purchasing a soldering iron the next time I want to buy myself a little treat.

I think for people who have never worked on coding projects, or have never tackled a big one, it's useful to see how they get broken down into manageable chunks. Saying "I'm going to make it my violin into a controller to speedrun Undertale" is not an actionable idea. At most, it's a dream that prompts research. And with each piece of research, a dream comes closer to action.

Research included opening up my electric violin to see if I could isolate its sound outputs to their own channels, and it included the work I mentioned in my last update about reading existing code libraries to see how sound processing is done in realtime, with what languages and what modules. It took the project down to "let's try to make a monophonic controller before jumping up to multiphonic" as one building block (that conveniently doesn't require soldering). But that's still a daunting task, and honestly a goal in and of itself - play a game that only requires monophonic inputs, like Pokemon, with a violin - so we have to keep breaking it down into pieces. And that takes yet more research.

So obviously it took me 3 months to get around to it. It's not the glamorous part of the project, to be sure.

What I've learned from finally reading the code I found all those months ago is that realtime processing of raw audio into note names is still going to be its own project that may or may not have a future in Python. The library I found translates wave files into MIDI files, which uses note names as a throughpoint, but I need to go from live input audio to note names, or some other raw version of those discrete values, that at some point can transform into controller mappings. There's quite a bit of engineering yet to do there. I'm looking into new libraries now, namely pyaudio, the reliable old numpy, and hilariously enough, probably DougDoug's GitHub for his stupid game coding projects just to see how he gets from Python to controller inputs.

All that technical stuff boils down to the point of this update: the game plan. The babiest baby steps of all time. How a dream becomes an accomplishable task.

Get Python to register audio input from any source

...then from the source I want - my electric violin

Record that input to raw values in a numpy array and output that raw array to standard out

Translate the raw array to an array of note names

Map all notes of my violin in a dictionary where key = note and value = controller input

Play Pokemon

I fully expect step 6 to be an absolute laugh - the notes won't be normalized so that sustains don't result in repeated presses of the same button like I'm in turbo mode for every note I play - but it will be Something. And above all, when doing big coding projects, it's important to get to Something, soon. Not only because you'll lose steam without something tangible to hold in your hands for all your work, but because the sooner you can get something working, the sooner you can see it breaking. I know my code will be a little bit broken if I run it once I get to step 6 - at least, I can predict one way. I can't predict every way. The sooner I can see that, the easier it will be to detangle. Test early, test often!

(As soon as Pokemon% is working I will be annoying everyone I know to play Pokemon with me. You won't miss it.)

[recurring-polynya]

Do I mind if I ask how you approach writing longer fic? I've always struggled to write anything more than maybe two chapters long and I'm curious if you have a particular method to how you approach such stories.

Thank you so much for this ask! I absolutely love it when people ask me for writing advice because it makes me feel like a Smart Person Who Knows Things.

Before we start, here is one grain of salt to take all of this with: I have a naturally long-form brain. It is very hard for me to write something less than 1k. Short fiction is great, and there is nothing wrong with sticking to short things if that's what your brain likes to do.

So. You have decided to write a story. This is going to focus on "stories". Some people write fic that's more freeform or whatever, I am not going to cover that. What I mean by a story is this:

It starts

Some stuff happens

It ends

It is highly probable that your story contains a change of state, which could be that a villain is defeated, or a goal is reached, but it could also be that character falls in love with another, or someone learns to like broccoli.

I like to start out by completing the sentence, "This is a story where _______". This is basically like coming up with a summary for an ao3 post, except that it doesn't need to be catchy. Lots of different kinds of things could go in that blank! It could literally be what happens: This is a story where Ichigo goes back in time and punches young Aizen in the nose. It could be about what you want to explore: This is a story where Hitsugaya gets a better understanding of his zanpakutou. It could be about the vibe you want to achieve: This is an AU where everyone is in a punk rock band and has cool hair and outfits. The idea of this is to clearly define what you, the author, is interested in writing. Make sure it feels right! Maybe you pick the first one, but when you say it out loud, you say, "You know, I really just want Ichigo to go back in time so he can horse around with young Renji and Rukia and punching Aizen in the nose is just an excuse for that." That may sound dumb, but it's fine, actually! Most people don't read stories strictly for the plot, they read stories for the implications of those plots! Will my favorite two characters kiss? Will there be funny interactions between these two groups of characters? Will there be sick fights? Stories are excuses to have scenes. Sometimes, you will have a story where the interesting sequence of events is the draw, but the point is to know what you're about.

Once you feel happy with your "mission statement", you need to decide the bounds of your story: where it starts and where it ends. It may be easier to start with the end. In some cases, it may be obvious from your mission statement: everyone gets home, a villain is defeated, Kenpachi realizes the meaning of friendship. On the other hand, let's look at that punk rock AU. You've picked a vibe, but you don't really have a natural story arc. It has to have a destination, though, otherwise, it's not really a story, it's a recipe for 3 chapters of an abandoned fanfic. So brainstorm a little: Maybe they get a record deal? Maybe they win a Battle of the Bands? Maybe Byakuya accepts that the band is actually good and tells Rukia he is proud of her. Do not settle for a plot just because it works. Pick something that makes you excited! You're the one who is gonna have to write it!

I said that we needed to pick a beginning point, too, but I'm actually going to skip that for now. The next thing I do is think of all the Big Scenes I want to write, the ones you are hype to write, the ones that pop in your head as you think about the premise. Make a bullet list. They don't need to be in order. The descriptions don't need to be super detailed, but write down anything about it that is important to you. If there's a mood or a snippet of dialogue or a joke you want to make, go ahead and jot that down so you don't forget it later. What you're doing now is putting broad blotches of color on a canvas, filling in space and leaving the detail for later.

Once you are pretty happy with what you have down, try to arrange it in chronological order. Put your end at the end (if it wasn't one of your big scenes, add it now). The next task is figuring out how to traverse your scenes. You've already picked out where you want to spend the majority of your energy. The rest, I regret to tell you, is your slog writing. Now, it often happens that you will find joy in some of these scenes and your best writing may occur there, but that's serendipity. These are the scenes that you are gonna have to make yourself sit down and write, so you honestly want to limit them to just the ones you need.

So how do we do this? Look at the first thing on the list. Can you start there? If so, congrats, that's your beginning. If you can't, what needs to happen to get to there? Where can you start so that you can get to your first fun scene as soon as possible? There. That’s it. You’ve picked your beginning, good job! Now, go through the rest of your list, and add in things that must happen, even if you don’t particularly look forward to writing them. The characters need to travel from geographic point A to point B. Shuuhei needs to say something that Izuru hears and misinterprets. The Central 46 makes a new law. If you have a good idea of how these things happen, go ahead and write them down, but it’s okay if you don’t know yet. Fill in all the blanks so that if you think of each bullet list as a scene, you could read it as a story, start to end. Once you get writing, you might add more scenes, or move things around or whatever, but you should have a thing that functions as a story.

If you struggle with this, an alternative is a story with a very strong structure that is going to guide you though what you have to write.Here are two examples from my own stories Hold On, Hold On (which is only one chapter, but the principle is the same) is structured around the 5 stages of grief. Not Broken, Just Bent takes place over roughly a week, and I just decided what happened every day of the week. See You on the Other Side takes place in the middle of a bunch of canon events, which worked at mile markers.

Congratulations. You’ve just made a rough outline!

Special note for avoiding burnout!: I am a slogger. I will drag myself through the broken glass of an interminable plot to get to a single thirsty scene. That's why, at this stage, I try to look at the ratio of what I want to write to what I must write. It's gonna vary for everyone, but this is a hobby, and if looking at this proto-outline makes you feel deeply tired, maybe this isn't a good story to be devoting your time to! Can you carve it down? Can you chuck two scenes you really want to write and get rid of 80% of the slog? Or maybe you can't! In that case, just write that thirsty scene as a standalone drabble! Or just go work on something else! Maybe in the future, this one will come back to you and you’ll have a fresh idea or a renewed enthusiasm for it.

Another thing I sometimes like to do at this point is to write out some notes about my characters and their motivations and moods. Character A is homesick. Character B is so determined to defeat the enemy that they are having a hard time being sympathetic to Character A. Character C cares for both A and B and is trying to support them both. This is sort of background info that you want to keep in your head as you are writing. Depending on the type of story you are writing, this might actually be the main plot, or it might be happening subtly, but adding to the emotional impact of the story. It’s very easy for me to write these sorts of emotional arcs, but if you struggle with that, you may wish to go ahead and made a more detailed outline for that, too.

Now, it’s time to start writing! I am great at beginnings-- it is very often the case for me that the opening scene was one of my Big Tentpole Scenes. (Before you hate me too much, I make up for this by being double horrible at endings; just let me have this) Usually, I will start at the beginning and write linearly for as long as I can until I get stuck. Then, I will look forward on my outline and do the next chronological scene that I feel like writing. In general, if I sit down to write and there is something I have an urge to write, that trumps everything else. Inspiration is a precious commodity, and you should embrace it when it hits! You can slog any day. I will occasionally hold off writing a scene that I really want to, because I am saving it, like a prize for myself for getting that far. This is a very personal process of figuring out what motivates your brain and then giving your brain what it needs to be its most productive.

Eventually, you will run out of things you are excited to write, but the good news is, you’ve got a bunch of story now! Odds are that what’s left is going to be a lot of those connective tissue scenes, and you’re just going to have to do them, except that now, because you’re connecting two concrete points instead of two abstract points, it will be a lot easier. You can continue running jokes you’ve started. Maybe you invented a cafe in an earlier scene where your characters hang out and you can have them return there. Try to think of ways to make these scenes more fun, both for yourself to write and for your reader to read. 

Around this time, I like to start refining that rough strokes outline into what I will call an “as-built” outline. (This is an engineering term where you update your plans or models for something to reflect any changes that had to be made along the way). This is a great activity to do at times when you feel like you have writers block. I write down every scene I have written as a 2-3 word blurb, in order. I break the scenes into what I think makes logical chapters, and I will do a word count on those prospective chapters and write it down. As you do this, you will realize that maybe you can move a scene from here to there, which will make it 1000% easier to write. Things may be happening too much, or you’ve got the characters eating three times in the same chapter. If you have subplots and dangling threads, this is where you make sure they get closure. I know this sounds very headache-y, but you are so far along in the story at this point that it’s really not-- it’s a way to look at the problems you have left. Use some sort of formatting (I like to bold things I haven’t done and sometimes I put them in red) and it gives you a very visual to-do list.

You specifically mentioned multi-chapter fanfics and I admit that I don’t tend to think in chapters, I tend to think of the story as a whole and just break it up where it feels natural. The as-built outlining I described is very helpful in making sure that my chapters feel balanced. They don’t necessarily need to be the same length, but I like them to have the same amount of stuff in them. One chapter may basically contain one long scene, and other may contain many short ones. I don’t tend to, but you can certainly have a fanfic that varies between short and long chapters, that can actually be an interesting effect. But like I said, I always like to know what I am doing, and so having it mapped out, you can say “welp, this is what I’ve done, how do I feel about that?”

Polynya, you may be saying at this point, do you write the whole fanfic before you post any of it? and I regret to inform you, the answer is yes. A lot of people write as they go, and I have made one attempt at this and I didn’t like it. I don’t like locking myself in, I just need to be able write out of order and go back and change things. Here is the story of a little in love: someone gave me an AU prompt and I got mildly obsessed with it, and wrote 5 snapshots drabbles in that universe, ending with a slight cliffhanger ending. I probably should have stopped there, but I decided to keep going. I wrote out an outline of 5 acts where the first act was detailed to the degree of each chapter being specified. The chapters here were much smaller than I usually make chapters: 1-2k. I wrote act i and ii and it was actually great, and then I hit act iii which required a lot of set up for misunderstandings and a mini romance arc. I couldn’t wing it, but nor could I figure it all out with outlining. I write dialogue in almost sort of an improv “Yes, and...?” style, so until I do it, I don’t know what’s going to happen. So, what I did was treat the second half of act iii as a complete story in the process I describe above, wrote the entire rest of it, and then posted it. One might notice that the chapter lengths grew to 3-5k each. I have two more acts to go, and I haven’t decided how I am going to do them yet, but I suspect I will treat each of them as their own mini-stories.

(I will admit that in Heart is a Muscle, I tend toward chapters that are about 10k long, and this is honestly too long, someone should smack me. If you like punchy chapters, 1-2k is good. I think 3-6k is probably an ideal chapter length. Is this how long the chapters are in my latest fanfic? Absolutely not.)

Okay, so there’s one more step, which is quality control. I am habitual re-reader-- I read my fanfics-in-progress over and over and over while I am working on them. I understand that not everyone does this, but I am usually the primary audience for my own writing, and this is the actual fun part for me. Nevertheless, you should re-read your work at least once, to make sure it hangs together.

This is purely optional, but I recommend it: get a writing friend (if you don’t like re-reading your work, I recommend this even more strongly). If you can get a full-service beta reader, that’s great, but if you can’t find someone, or if receiving that level of critique stresses you out, it’s perfectly valid to just find a friend who will read your stuff and a) shower you with compliments, b) reassure you about parts you aren’t sure about (or suggest ways to help) and c) point out any huge problems you missed. When I am writing a long fanfic, it is a huge motivational factor for me to be able to send my beta chapters as I finish them. If you are already an established writer, and you have people who consistently comment on your fic, they might be overjoyed to get a sneak peak at your work.

And that’s it! That’s the way I do it, anyway! Some people are able to sit down and write a very detailed outline and the write it start-to-finish. Good for them, I say! I have tried this and it doesn’t work great for me. I will admit that some of my fics (especially my early ones) I just sat down and banged out whole-cloth like an insane person and they are generally better than the ones I actually plan out, but that’s not a reproducible process.

As one final mechanical note, I usually write in Google Docs, which I can access on multiple devices (I used to write a lot on my phone), has convenient sharing functionality, and I use the ao3 html formatting script add-in. I generally have two documents for a single story-- one is the outline, and any other notes I want to have handy. I’ll usually put a trashcan space at the bottom for scenes that got cut but I don’t want to lose. The other is the fanfic itself.

I hope this is helpful! Please feel free to follow up with other questions and good luck with your writing!

[teddy06writes]

Come Back Home

requested by this anon: “ hello!! i was wondering if i could have a karl x sapnap x quackity x reader where the reader falls out with one of them and there’s loads of angst, but it ends in fluff and just cute stuff. i love ur writing so much, thank you <3″

as well as this one: “ hello :D may i request some angst then comfort scenes for a karl x quackity x sapnap x reader? “

so....

sapnap x karl x quackity x reader (lowkey musician!reader)

trigger warnings: yelling, swearing, mentions of hook ups, drinking, angst

premise: you think you might be falling out of love, or something close to that with your boyfriends, so you ask to take a break until you can figure things out, and nothing seems to feel right till you go back; song credit is Come Back Home by Anthony Ramos {I changed parts of the second verse}

(y/n/n)- your nickname

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

“I- I never said I knew that I was!” You argued. 

Alex folded his arms, “What about them? You fucking lying to them too?” 

You ran a hand through your hair, “I’m not lying about anything!” 

“YOU JUST SAID YOU WERE FALLING OUT OF LOVE!” you jumped, surprised at his yelling, “So if that’s true why’d you fucking tell us you loved us last night?” 

“I don’t know if I am Alex! I need time to figure this out!” 

“So it’s just me then. You just want to leave me!” 

“I might be falling out of love with all of you!” You shakily admitted, desperately searching your boyfriends eyes, “And I’m terrified! I don’t want to fall out of love! I don’t want to leave any of you! I just need time to figure this out.” 

Alex sat in silence, refusing to look at you. 

Shakily you grabbed the bag you’d been packing when he found you, just a few of the outfits you kept at that apartment, along with your music stuff, “I’m going back to California, just for a month or so.” 

“I thought you sold the apartment.” He sounded to blunt, to broken. 

“I pulled out of the deal, and my stuff hadn’t been shipped yet. I- I don’t want to leave Alex,” You slipped your bag over your shoulder, “I- didn’t want it to be like this.” 

“So you were going to leave when they were out.” He spat. 

You froze in grabbing your guitar, “I was going to try and make this hurt less. If me leaving to find out if I should stay or not is what it takes, then why make it hurt more?” 

“What am I suppose to tell them?” Alex asked desperately. 

“The truth. I’ll be back when I figure this out.” 

“And if it isn’t what I want it to be?” 

You took a deep breath, “I think you’ll know.”

You walked out the door, trying to ignore the way small sobs filled the apartment as you left, tears working there way into your own eyes.

~~

California, though isolating you enough to sort out your feelings, was far too numbing to provide Alex the technical closer he thought was coming. 

Karl had been heartbroken when he found out you left, and the few months that you’d been gone had only helped to break him more, especially as the only news they got about you came from the updates on your upcoming album. 

Nick had been equally heartbroken,  though somewhat mad, he’d learned to live with it, instead focusing his angry energy into keeping his boyfriends together and functional. 

~~

You sighed, sitting up as your apartment door closed. 

You knew it was wrong, deep down, these one night stands, and evenings lost in a haze of alcohol, deep down, you missed them, and none of this was making the feelings you’d tried to press back down after the first experimental hook up. 

Rubbing at your eyes you quietly began to get dressed, ideas running through your mind. 

Pulling up twitter you found yourself scrolling through Alex’s twitter, he seemed to be doing okay, Nick was, well he hadn’t been active on twitter before, but Karl’s twitter remained silent. 

That was what got you worried. 

Karl was never not active on twitter, but even his second account had remained quiet since you left. 

Grabbing a bottle of water you sat down, thankful for your moment of clarity as you picked up your guitar, ready to get to work. 

“I only feel the ground under my feet...”

This was going to be a huge gamble.

~~

“Guys!” Karl called softly from his place on the couch. 

“Yeah baby?” Alex yawned. 

“(y/n) just posted a new single on youtube.” 

“So?” Nick asked, bitterly, “Why should we care?” 

“Oh, I- I was just wondering, if we could watch it. We- we don’t have to.” Karl said softly. 

Nick softened upon hearing his voice, “Alright, lets see it.” 

They cuddled together next to Karl as he pulled up the video, the description reading, ‘come back home, less of an apology, more of a plea’.

The video opened on a dark room, partially lit by a lamp in the corner, only about half of your face was visible, as well as the guitar in your hands. 

You took a deep breath a sighed, before beginning to play. 

The screen split to show the recordings of you playing the other parts, both in similar dark rooms. 

“I had to leave, to see, how good I had it, I had it, I had to go, to know how good I had it. Would you have me if I came back home?” 

They watched as the scene shifted, you as you walked through a park in LA, “My mama said when I was six years old,  I would always sit up by the window, I would always say this city way too cold. Wish there was another place I could go She would ask where and I would say,” 

There was an arieal of the same park, “Where, anywhere, tell me where 'cause I'm scared, If I'm here then I'll never see paradise, I just wanna see paradise.”  As you repeated the chorus, back in your room, and then moved on to singing about them, “Yeah I’d been dating Nick for three years, we’d made a promise, cause we were just kids in college, thinkin’ bout our tomorrows, 

“then we met Karl, course we had to keep ‘im, he made the grass even greener, cause theoretically he made us even more complete, 

“but then along came Alex, and we pulled him in, but he looked me in the eyes when I said ‘my heart isn’t in it’ , he challenged that thought, asked me ‘So where is it?’

Alex clamped a hand over his mouth, burying his head in Karl’s shoulder. 

“I said, where, anywhere, tell me where ‘cause I’m scared, if I’m here then I’ll never see paradise, I just wanna see paradise.” 

The scene changed from the park back to your room, “So I had to leave to see, How good I had it, I had it, I had to go to know, How good I had it, Would you have me if I come back home?”

The room remained dark, though your voice became a bit more upbeat as you sang, “Nothing better than my mama rice and beans, All the sound, the people yellin' on the street, The lights when I land at JFK,The cold wind when it hits me in my face,

“I only feel the ground under my feet when my boys are standin' right there next to me and Those the things that make me feel at home And that's the only paradise I know, so..” 

The room began to brighten, just a bit, as the extra voice overs were added.  “I had to leave to see, How good I have it, I have it, I had to go to know, How good I have it (How good I have it) I have it (So I'm comin' home)”

Pictures began to flash on the screen, pictures of you all together, during streams, while you were working on music, a video of you and Karl, trapped by an Alex sleeping across your laps while Nick laughed.

The beach day you’d had last year, Karl and Alex decorating your recoding spot with fairy lights, Nick with you up on his back, you and Alex singing, behind the scenes of one of Karls mr. beast videos, midnight moments, and small moments, all flooding the screen. 

“Nothing better than my mama's rice and beans (Ooh, ooh, I'm comin' home) All the sound, the people yellin' on the street, The lights when I land at JFK, (Oh, I'm comin' home), The cold wind when it hits me in my face I only feel the ground under my feet when my boys are standin' right there next to me and (Yeah, I'm gon' come back home) Those the things that make me feel at home, And that's the only paradise I know.” 

The pictures faded, and you smiled softly at the camera, “Would you have me if I came back home?” 

The video faded away, and the boys were knocked out of there trance by a knock at the door. 

Shakily Alex stood up, blinking away tears as he moved to answer it.

“(y/n).”

You smiled, “You saw the video yeah?” 

He practically burst into tears, “Yeah.” 

“So? Will you have me since I came back home?” You sang softly. 

Alex surged forward, throwing his arms around you, tears falling from both sets of eyes as he pulled you inside.

In the living room Nick was holding a still crying from the video Karl,  glaring up at you, “You had to make him cry one more time?” 

Karl sniffled, “These are good tears.” 

You smiled, setting your bag down before maneuvering to sit down with Alex still wrapped around you. 

“I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have left for that wrong. I do love you all.” 

“We love you too.” 

[popopretty]

Storm Bringer Spoiler (7)

I am not sure if anyone has translated it yet but many people asked me about the relationship between Verlaine and Rimbaud so I hope these excerpts from Rimbaud’s memoirs will help. These are from two different parts of CODE;04 of the novel.

Please feel free to re-translate it if you want. Just understand that I do make mistakes because I don’t speak either Japanese or English as my first language. So sometimes I will change or update this translation without prior notices. 

Day xx

General Directorate for Special Services, Operations Department, Special Forces Group, Agent

Fine weather - Evening - Waning Moon

The mice are running, black in the gray of the evening.

A mouse lady is running, gray in the black of the darkness. 

I look at the moon, holding the pipe in my mouth. Doing nothing can be fun too. Let’s go when the fire from the pipe goes out. 

After I run, behind the dry sound of my shoes, there will be nothing but death and corpses and blood and aguish and misery.

Day xx

General Directorate for Special Services, Operations Department, Special Forces Group, Agent

Rainy day - Midnight - Waning Moon

I am writing this after crawling out of the rat hole. I am staying at a leaky inn. There is the sound of the rain leaking somewhere. The lamp on my bedside is too dark I can’t even see the bottle of wine on my desk clearly. This handwriting definitely looks bad too. But for the time being, it doesn’t matter. 

Because I want to write down what happened right away.

Until just two hours ago, I was in the secret cellar of the anti-government forced called “May of the Revolution”. It is all over. The outcomes are superb. In the eyes of the higher-ups. 

But for me, I can’t bring myself to think that the operation was a success.

When I stepped in, all the members were at the celler. And ultimately, “he” is dead.

I wrote “he” here because this organization only has one single member. 

The mastermind behind the anti-government movement is a skill user commonly known as “Faunus” (*TN: The original Japanese words is 牧神, which means the God of Shepherds. He is called Faunus in Roman mythology and Pan in Greek mythology. I just picked Faunus because I like the name). I fought him once. He was strong. On top of that, he has a secret weapon. He by himself has created a skilled artificial lifeform, the “Black No.12”. That’s a monster that can manipulate gravity at his will and nullify any physical attacks. “Faunus” used an instruction system to freely control that lifeform. 

But this time, our Intelligence Department has done an amazing job (how nice it would be if they could do that every time). They managed to figure out in advanced that the input of the instruction system could be done by letting the lifeform breathe in some kind of special metal powder. That’s why all I had to do was to destroy that metal powder generator.

Freed from the instructional system, “Black No.12″ regained his consciousness as though he had just been released from brainwashing and turned to attack his creator, “Faunus”. That was a chilling sight. With just a squeeze of “Black No.12″ ‘s palm, half of the facility was blown away, together with Faunus’ upper body.

After that, I carried the unconscious “Black No.12″ outside. Now he is sleeping in this cheap inn.

What will happen to him now? Will he be executed by the government?

It’s terribly cold. The fire from the fireplace feels so far away.

Day xx

General Directorate for Special Services, Operations Department, Special Forces Group, Agent

Bright day - Noon - Strong wind from the East

I am writing this wearing a thick coat, earmuffs, fur gloves and thermal underclothes.

I was talking to the liaison officer in the café earlier, and was told about “Black No. 12″ ‘s treatment. It was so unexpected that I had to ask again three times.

The government seems to consider “Black No. 12″  a valuable collaborator. Because as “Faunus” ‘s watchdog, the information about the anti-government network has been hammered into his head. We will train him, and make him a spy. And it seems that the education and supervision tasks have been left to me. 

Education? Me?

Can I really do such a thing?

I don’t have any connections with others because of this job. Because friends and families can become a spy’s weaknesses. Both my parents and my former lover thought that I had died in jail.

Can someone like me teach someone and guide them the way?

I don’t know. But what if I can?

Someone like me, who had thrown away his past and his name to be called by merely a code name, now can do something for someone else, for my country, and for my newly-born friend. The thought of that made me more excited than I could imagine.

My life, and my death probably won’t be passed on to the future generations. What will be given to me after my death will be nothing but a broken, nameless tombstone. But I am okay with that. As long as before I die, I can leave behind something for someone.

My first task is to give “Black No.12″ a new code name.

I have decided it already. Paul Verlaine.

The real name that my parents gave me long ago.

Paul. One day you will read this memoir and know the secret about yourself. I pray that that moment will be a time of blessing for you.

Day xx

General Directorate for Special Services, Operations Department, Special Forces Group, Agent

Cloudy sky - Midnight - Can’t see the moon

I can’t believe it. We have successfully deciphered the “Secret of the Gentle Forest”. The worst beast of all is sleeping there. That’s where Verlaine’s

(The page was torn from here, unreadable)

....

Day xx

General Directorate for Special Services, Operations Department, Special Forces Group, Agent

Fine weather - Before dawn - New moon

It’s the day before my infiltration mission into a military base of an enemy country, so I am leaving a slightly longer record today. There will be no support for that mission. No rear backup either. No collaborator from inside.

The target to be captured is a new type of skilled weapon. It takes the shape of a little boy, but is actually a disaster that has the power to destroy the world.

It’s a dangerous mission. I might not make it out alive.

But if there is anyone who can successfully carry out this mission to take the world’s disaster from the hand of the enemy country, it can’t be anyone other than me and my partner, Paul Verlaine.

I have been thinking about it for a long time. About what I can do for my reliable partner Verlaine. I couldn’t come up with an answer until yesterday.

I will celebrate his birthday.

Of course, he doesn’t have an exact birthday. But I considered yesterday his birthday. On the same day four years ago, Verlaine killed Faunus and gained his freedom.

I ordered a small pudding from a confectioner in Paris and headed to Verlaine’s hideout with a bottle of wine under my arm. Verlaine looked more doubtful than surprised. So I explained to him.

Celebrating one’s birthday implies a very simple fact. In other words, it carries the message that “the fact that you were born is worth celebrating”. No matter what anyone says, your birth has a value.

And then there is one thing that can’t be missed when celebrating a birthday. A birthday without it is like the night sky without the moon.

A birthday present.

What I gave him was a black hat.

A brimmed bowler hat. It is neither particularly expensive, nor something made by a famous hatter.

However, the cloth of the sweat-absorbing band that goes around the inside of the hat was made of a very special material.

A rainbow-colored metal made from 10% platinum, 10% titan, and gold as the central material of the rest. It carries “Faunus” ‘s skill.  It was the thing that was almost completed in his lab, but I modified it into the shape of a hat.

When you put your head inside, the cloth of the hat will serve as a coil, and  prevent the external instruction system from interfering with the mind. On the other hand, the instruction system can be controlled from the inside, or in other words, the will of the one who wears this hat.

If Verlaine has this black hat, he will be one step closer to becoming a “human with free will”.

His reaction was pretty strange. He was neither happy nor surprised. He just said “I will take it for now.” with his calm eyes. He didn’t say anything after that. We drank the wine, said good night to each other then parted.

Even now, after one day has passed, I still don’t know if that was the right thing to do. Verlaine’s eyes were freezing and as far as beyond the North Pole.

But we will know the answer soon.

Tomorrow, at the enemy’s base.

If it is for the sake of my partner, I will gladly conquer any hell.

As long as I have my God in the sky above, the bonds in my heart, and the future in my reach.

(This is the last sentence of the memoir. Nothing was written after this.)

....

[ginanosakka]

The Mind of a Monster

Masterlist

I’m Sorry | Next

“Daddy, why does everyone look like that?” Your young and bright eyes stared up at your father’s, his own having no light or warmth in them, not even as he looked at you.

The smile that crept onto his face scared you, but you smiled back nonetheless like the naive little girl you were, just wanting to return your father’s love. In truth, you had been scared the moment you entered his company office, the automatic shift in energy when he walked in the room from all his employees had you fiddling with your fingers and doing your best to avoid eye contact. It was confusing to you why he wanted you to come with him today to introduce you to his work, but he never greeted anyone or even acknowledged their existence.

You wished you had paid closer attention and broken from his leash sooner.

“My dear, you’ll learn soon enough that these are inferior beings, and how they feel mean nothing when it comes to success.”

Sitting in a conference room filled with heroes was one thing, but sitting in a conference room full of heroes being debriefed on your secret criminal business father was another. Seeing all of these familiar faces made your palms sweaty and an anxious shiver go down your spine. They were all the former class 1-A students who met your father —whether that was by coincidence of scheduling, or these were the ones who couldn’t believe the case at hand, you didn’t know. None of them were as close as Mina and Katsuki so this truthfully had nothing to do with the past, but everything to do with the present news that came out not too long ago.

They were helping to protect their old friend’s child, and his now speculated ‘wife’.

“. . . I can’t give you any more information than that, the old bastard has all of his dirty work under security, but there’s someone who can.” Katsuki said, and you looked up at him from your spot next to Ashido and Kirishima, vacating your thoughts to meet his eyes that had landed on you. “Y/N.” He called, and you stood up from your seat.

You glanced at them all again, taking note of their very clear interest while finding the words to help them understand what you knew. It wasn’t just the ones who you had just seen again for the first time in years, this was also information and a plan that you had not run through with Katsuki, Mina, or Eijirou who had discussed this meeting with you beforehand. Whether it was because all three of them looked so concerned with your safety that your plan would positively not be received well, or simply because you yourself weren’t prepared to put everything at stake wasn’t abundantly clear.

A warm and soft hand grabbed hold of yours from where you stood, and you glanced at Mina to see her smiling with encouragement. “Don’t worry, I’ll have your back, ‘kay?” She said, and you squeezed her hand.

“Okay then. First things first, I want you all to know that I haven’t had contact with him since the last year you have all seen me, not even money related. When I was in close contact with him, I was unaware of any illegal actions he’d done until I was kicked out. Are there any questions on that?” You began, doing your best to get the most obvious questions out of the way first.

The eight heroes in the room — Tokoyami, Sero, Kaminari, Todoroki, Uraraka, Ashido, Kirishima, and Bakugou — all glanced at each other for a moment, and two hands went up: Todoroki, Kaminari. You looked to Todoroki first, his dual colored eyes piercing into yours like he knew you. From what you remembered from all that hero news Ryu loved, he had his own personal family issues that ended up public information. Honestly, you didn’t know if he was looking at you like that because he related to you, or was greatly suspicious of you. Either way, you nodded at him to voice his questions first.

“Did your father use you to fulfill his own goals?”

“Todoroki, let’s stick to questions that have something to do with the crimes and just her father.” Kirishima sweatdropped, and you could see Katsuki’s expression from the corner of your eye that looked like he wanted to send an AP shot right through his left side.

‘Never let him ask me anything, good to know.’

“Kami- Chargebolt, you had a question.” You redirected the attention to Denki who looked as done with Todoroki as the rest of the group, but once you called on him he refocused on you.

“If you knew he was doing illegal stuff at some point, why didn’t you say anything to the police before?” He asked.

The air became thick in the room, and all of them looked at you with their full attention once again, and that’s how you needed it to answer that. What they were about to take on may not be physically exhausting as a villain, but the mental toll this could take would be something they’d never forget. Their images will forever be changed in the media, and they’ll never look at those who run this world the same when you expose to them the man that they’d only met as a hopeful teenager. This was a man who would stop at nothing to stay on top, even going as far as to threaten his own blood’s life to ensure silence.

“When I got kicked out of my home, pregnant and a disgrace to him, he realized that I may not have known much about how the underground business he did, but I could easily stain his image by telling my story. About a month after I was kicked out, when I was two months pregnant, a man showed up at the hotel I was staying at and attempted to kill my baby. I survived with bruises and a stab wound that entered just between my rib cage instead of directly into my stomach. That man was hired by my father to kill me. . my mother had come to the hospital to break that news to me. She is the reason another attempt hadn’t been made on my life, but it was at the cost of me disappearing and never returning again.” You laid out the full story, sparing gruesome details but not leaving any room for confusion or continued suspicion.

Denki looked horrified as he tried to apologize, “I didn’t think he did something like that to you. I’m-“

You cut him off with a raised hand, “that’s why you’re here now. No one knows how evil Eito L/N is, because he’s a wolf in sheep’s clothing to the public. This isn’t your routine evidence and arrest case, and if you think there’s a low that my dear old father won’t reach to make me disappear, you’re going to end up dead, or so far in the gutter of negative media attention that your career will be over in days. You’re going to find out information that will destroy the relationship between you and the men that have made you heroes. As we speak, he is most likely ten steps ahead of us all and expecting us to move as quietly as we can for the sake of your licenses and my business.” You explained, and Uraraka stood up in distress.

“Then we should be looking for evidence! Doesn’t this mean you could be being followed right now? Why are we sitting here discussing it?” She asked, and you nodded in agreement at her words.

“You’re right, but there’s a quick end to this that only I can do at the risk of my own life. . I didn’t go over this with any of you, and I deeply apologize for the trouble I will soon be causing, but I can’t let all of you save my life while I lay down and cower with my son.”

You whipped out your phone and searched up the first news outlet that came to mind, and just as you expected, your video was being played as you spoke. You laid it out on the table after turning the sound up, watching the video you had recorded last night played to the public.

“I am Y/N L/N, the daughter of a very well known man, Eito L/N. Six years ago, he told the public that I went overseas in search of a different life, but that couldn’t be further from the truth. In actuality, six years ago, Eito kicked me out of his home after finding out I was pregnant and used that story to cover up my disappearance. I have since been living on my own with no help or contact from my father, and I urge all of you to look closer at those in power and wealth. You have no idea what they could be doing behind closed doors. Thank you.” You turned your phone off and slipped in back in your pocket as they all took in what you had done, and it was of course Katsuki who spoke up first.

“What the hell did you do?!” He growled, and you met his concerned and angry eyes with frightening intent.

“I’m making this a media circus, Dyanmight,” you smiled.

“You’re drawing him out, but why? Won’t that make this worst?” Tokoyami asked, but you weren’t the one to answer.

“He doesn’t know what she’s going to do. . she’s making it impossible to keep his tracks covered.” Todoroki looked at you, and you both nodded at each other in complete understanding. “Y/N just made this a lot easier for us.”

A/N: I was gonna keep dad’s name neutral, but it just didn’t make sense that they all would constantly refer to him as her father. So evil dad’s name is Eito! This is pretty much a small filler before we reach our real drama and end. I can’t promise a soon update and the hiatus is still very much in motion, but I wanted to get this out to you. I hope you enjoy!

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