#I mean the longer the funnier obviously

[idk-bruh-20]

Irondad fic ideas #144

Peter Parker sounds just like Spider-Man. This is something that the students of Midtown find hilarious

Soon, Peter's getting comments in the halls like, "Hey are you that kid who sounds like Spider-Man?" "Uhhh I mean -" "Holy shit it's truuue" and, "Hey Parker, say, 'Hiya Mister Criminal'' "(sigh) Hiya Mister criminal-"

It becomes a daily bit on the school news: they put Peter in the cheapest, most ridiculous Spider-Man mask imaginable and get him to say wild stuff, whatever Midtown students can think of. Like that bit at the end of Honest Trailers.

(Peter may or may not go slightly viral saying some Stuff about the Rogue Avengers in his "Spider-Man voice." Tony may or may not nearly piss himself laughing about it when he finds out.

Spider-Man himself has yet to comment.)

[lovelyiida]

mha guys confessing their feelings<3

INCLUDES: BAKUGO KATSUKI, EJIRO KIRISHIMA, DENKI KAMINARI

GENRE: fluff, light-angst

WARNINGS: implied fem reader, vulgar language, sexual themes

MASTERLIST

WORDS: 4.1K

KATSUKI BAKUGO

• we all know this poor guy would be a mess.

• constantly checking if there are wrinkles on his perfectly ironed uniform (that took him several hours to do the day before).

• making sure that his spikes were in all the right places, twiddling with his hair strands making sure the point is so sharp your hand could be sliced off if you touched it. Not that he wants to hurt you…

• reciting his lines over and over until his mouth gets dry.

• this man is a mess, and it’s all because of you.

‘damn chick, you’d just had to’ve sat next to me on the first day of training.’

Bakugo thought to himself whilst adjusting his tie for the seventh time today.

it’s true to think that you were a force that couldn’t be pushed away. first day of classes and you walked straight up to him, with a bright smile you extended your hand out to shake. rolling his eyes, he gets up and walks away.

but you never knew that his fate with you would be sealed beyond that point.

from constantly ignoring you, to always making random conversations. you even became his go-to sparring partner, leaving a sad Kirishima in the midst.

‘she’s just a better partner, no hard feelings bro.’

from the beginning of the day to the end, you guys were always together. It was a simple joke made by Denki, one day, you all were sitting at lunch, chatting it up and making regular convos.

Denki realized that you and Bakugo were having a whole other conversation from the table. Silently chuckling to yourselves, hitting his shoulder when he says something funnier than the last remark (most likely talking shit about his classmates). Denki shows a devilish smirk.

“so, how long have you guys been dating?” the table confused as to who he was talking to, your eyes narrow. “huh?” you say, bakugo looks up at him, confused and pissed off because he was in the middle of a lovely shit-talking fest with you.

“y’know…” Denki looks and you and bakugo, signaling that he was talking about both of you. Mina’s blank expression becomes ecstatic. “You guys are dating?” she yells.

You and Bakugo’s eyes widen, you start the shake your head and wave your hands. “oh no, w-were just friends, right?” looking at Bakugo he swallows his spit.

“Yeah, we are.”

“We’re just fucking friends, and if I hear any of you guys spread rumors, I’ll have your guts on a platter by the end of the fucking day!” slamming his fists into the table, everyone jumps.

getting up from his seat, you try to call him back. But it was no use, angrily muttering to himself back to the dorms.

“fuckin’ crush on her? why the fuck would I have a crush on her?”

“they’re all dead wrong.”

they’re all dead right.

I mean, looking at it from his point of view, he couldn’t help himself.

same sense of humor, great sparring partner, same interests, same music taste, and you were fucking hot? it was only a matter of time until he couldn’t deny the facts any longer.

now here he is, nervous as all get out, with a bouquet with your favorite album in one hand, and a teddy bear in the other.

blowing his breath into the air he smells it, making sure it’s up to par, you complained to him yesterday that his breath stinks when he yells in your face. so he took note of that.

“you look like a loser.” Kirishima laughs at Bakugo’s nervousness, if it wasn’t for all the time he spend on himself he would’ve thrown him into a wall, he couldn’t today, not with you on the line.

“whatever.”

“dude, just walk to her room, knock, and tell her how you feel. it probably won’t come as a shock since everyone knows you have a crush on her.” his last few words make bakugo growl in curiosity.

“what the fuck do you mean, everyone knows?”

Kirishima gulps and scratches his neck, “n-no reason! I guess they all caught on like we did haha.” he laughs nervously, obviously lying.

grumbling, bakugo pushed past him on his way to your dorm.

“you got this dude!”

“yeah, sure, whatever.”

he hopes that you say yes to his proposal, you don’t even have to be his girlfriend, a simple date would make him happy. but he would love it if you were his and only his.

walking towards your door, he swallows his spit. Nervousness lingered around him, palms beginning to sweat as heat rises from them. taking in a deep breath, he knocks on your door.

“you got this.”

he waited for a bit, no answer.

huffing his breath, he knocks again, a little louder than before.

no response.

“shit,” he curses to himself.

he swore you weren’t busy around this time, and yes, he did remember your schedule. letting out a sigh, he hangs his head low.

“there’s always tomorrow—“

“always tomorrow for what?”

jumping at your voice he turns around, his cheeks burning as he sees your figure. it looks like you just left the convenience store.

he hasn’t been this nervous since the entry exam, he hasn’t been this nervous since…ever.

“uh, hey! I thought you were in your room and—“

“is all that for me?” your voice softens, walking closer you set your stuff down to take what Bakugo has from his hands.

“yeah, stupid shit I put together…don’t think your special.”

you chuckle at his statement, “thank you bakugo, even though it’s not even my birthday.”

“yeah, whatever.”

grabbing your other stuff you open your room dorm and head in, but before you shut the door your look at him.

those big, stupid, beautiful eyes of yours.

fuck, you’re beautiful…

“is that all you’re here for?” You coo, looking away nervously, he sighs.

“tch, yeah.”

smiling to yourself, you nod.

“okay well, goodnight Bakugo.”

“night.”

closing the door behind you, you set your gifts and groceries down.

5 minutes or so pass, as you settle yourself in. What just happened? why was Bakugo so damn nervous to talk to you? you’ve never seen him look so startled before.

looking at the basket that was gifted to you, you couldn’t help but smile. Taking a picture of the basket, you were about to send the picture to the “1A Chicks” group chat when you hear a banging at your door.

startled, you scurry to open the door, “Bakugo? what’s wrong?” you asked. looking at him, he frowns. “You’re what’s wrong.”

confused you shake your head, “w-what?”

rolling his eyes he curses, “fuck it.”

pushing himself into your room, you yell. closing the door behind him, you were even more confused now.

“Bakugo, what the hell is your problem?” you yell. As he walks towards you, you walk away. every step you took back, he took a step forward. slamming yourself into the wall you look up at him.

Bakugo corners himself into you, leaving no room for Jesus. pressing his body up against yours, you stare at his face, noticing how his cheeks are pink and his breathing is stagnant.

a moment of silence passes by, you noticed your noses touching. you feel his breath on your lips, warm and soft. looking into his amber eyes, you chuckle a little.

“if you’re thinking about kissing me, I’m not gonna stop you.”

Bakugo lets out a huff, “and why would I even kiss you out of all people? I hate you.” Squinting your eyes, you couldn’t help but smile at his denial.

“so you did all of this just to tell me you hated me?”

Bakugo stares into your eyes, “yeah I did.”

rolling your eyes you adjust yourself, trying to free from his grasp until he leans in. you let out a small gasp, as his lips touched yours. He was kissing you.

closing your eyes you kissed back, melting into the feeling of his lips on yours. His arm snakes around your waist, giving it a squeeze as he deepens the kiss.

this goes in for another 10 seconds until you back away for breath. the world could’ve stopped moving and the both of you wouldn’t have known. staring into each other’s eyes, scared that if you look away you’d lose this moment forever.

Bakugo leans in one more time, a quick peck before he lets go of you. he nervously puts his hands in his pockets.

“I assume you do this to all the girls you hate?” you questioned.

“no, only the ones I like,” he answered.

“so, you don’t hate me?” you laugh, he rolls his eyes at your statement.

“no I don’t hate you, I like you dumbass!” he yells.

“don’t yell at me, I just wanted you to admit it,” pulling him by his shirt you plant another kiss on his lips. a small smirk shows on his face.

“Whatever.”

DENKI KAMINARI

• has zero fucking rizz

• tries so hard to be someone he isn’t just so he can impress you.

• he just needs to realize that he doesn’t have to go all out to impress you because just being him is enough for you at the end of the day.

• at first, it was funny to his friends seeing how bad Denki would try to flirt with you.

• the cheeky one-liners were cute, but now they were starting to be just plain corny.

“woah, you’re all scuffed up from hero training today huh y/n?”

it was the end of training today for class 1-A, you were around some of your friends sitting on the ground, Denki decided to walk up and start some conversation.

“yeah, Iida got me pretty good today.” you sigh, letting out a defeated smile.

“looks like you just fell from hell!” Denki laughs.

confused, you tilt your head to the side. looking over you see Mina facepalm, Bakugo next to her pinching the bridge of his nose.

“do I look that bad?” you snort.

Denki’s eyes widened, “no you don’t! you look the opposite, that’s what I meant!” he nervously rambled.

“I-I meant to say you fell from heaven because you’re all cut up, a-and you’re an angel— because you're pretty!—“

“you think I’m pretty?” a tinge of hope carries through your tone.

“Yes!— No!— I mean—“

Watching you get up from the ground, you become quickly uninterested in the rest of his ramble. Mina frowns and lays and hand on his shoulder.

“hey, Denki, you can torture y/n some more during lunch time m’kay? we need to get changed before the bell.” Mina saves the day, pushing you away from Denki as you laugh at his awkwardness.

“nice one, playboy,” Bakugo smiles and punches Denki hard in the shoulder earning a wince from him, bakugo chuckles to himself and walks off towards the locker room.

Denki sighs in defeat before following Bakugo.

Now it was lunchtime, and everyone sat down happily eating their food as they finally get a break from their rigorous daily schedule as heroes in training.

Denki watched you from across the table, staring honestly.

He saw the way you’d laugh with Bakugo, the way you whispered into his ear, leaving the both of you to snicker to yourselves.

He hated it.

So he did something about it.

Walking over to your side of the table, he sees the way the both of you look at him. You show a soft, inviting smile his way…whilst Bakugo’s expression could be a bit better.

Sitting across from you two, he takes in a deep breath and exhales.

“CANT you see we’re having a conversation?” He spits. Denki rolled his eyes at his venomous remark.

‘god I’m going to regret this’

“Aren’t you tired of being such an asshole all of the time?” Denki snaps.

“Hah?” Bakugo leans his head to the side.

Denki snorts, you watch in amusement at his antics. This makes his ego boost.

“I mean, it’s like you’re constantly on your period or something! Like, lighten up a little man!” He laughs.

“I’m gonna light up your ass real soon toaster head if you don’t leave me alone! And I’m asking you nicely.” Bakugo growls.

“I mean…he’s a little bit right” you jump into the conversation. Watching you lean your head on your hand, he can’t help but think about how hot you look right now.

You’re helping him.

“you can be a little agitated at times” you side with Denki.

Frowning even deeper Bakugo lets out a dark chuckle, standing up from his seat he stomps over to Denki.

Denki becomes so busy looking at you look at him that he forgets that Bakugo is looking over his spirit at the moment.

You shoot him a look, telling him to look up. So he complies.

“Is there something you need?” Denki says with a snarky tone.

“get up.”

The death glare stings into his very being, bakugo’s amber-red eyes burning into Denki’s golden ones.

“Make me” a smug smirk shines brightly off of Denki’s lips.

Of course, Denki didn’t have time to revel in his interaction with Bakugo. Because the next thing he knew was that he saw a flash of light and he was flying.

He flew so fast, it felt like he flew all the way to the recovery office.

eyes fluttering open, Denki whines as the hard white lights above him shine into his eyes. Tossing on his side he curls into a ball, hugging himself closer to the bed. he groans before letting out a deep sigh.

“Denki, are you awake?” A soft voice rang out into the silence.

He knew that voice.

Quickly turning over his eyes grow wide.

“Y/n?” He breathes out, earning a half-hearted chuckle you nod. He could tell you were worried about him.

“Oh my god, Denki, what we’re you thinking back there?” you scold him.

“I…I don’t know,” Denki frowns.

“You and I both know that we shouldn’t buck up to Bakugo like that unless you’re looking for a death sentence! Why the sudden change of character?” You asked, a frown still visible on your lips.

Your lips…

Denki was going to talk about how he just felt like pissing off bakugo, but then he realized how close you were to him. Only a hands distance from your face, his eyes travel down to your pursed lips.

They look so soft, so warm, so sweet.

So his.

His brain wasn’t aware that his body was moving, it seemed like the only thing that could control him was his heart. And he knew what his heart wanted more than anything else.

And it seemed like his heart knew what you wanted too.

“Denki.” You whispered.

“Hm?” His voice was so soft, you melted at the slight raspiness of it.

“Are you trying to kiss me right now?” You asked, you bit your lips. That action makes him let out a chuckle.

You tease.

“And if I was?” He whispered, softer than the last time, his hand sliding softly onto your cheek to his and thumb and index finger sliding further down to hold your chin, he leans in a little more.

“Then I wouldn’t stop you,” you leaned in, lips touching, but only grazing.

You felt each other's warm breaths, you felt the shake of his breath travel onto your lips.

“Fuck,” Denki cursed to himself, guiding your face towards his as he closed the gap. Leaning in further you make him fall back on the bed.

Your lips attacked one another, even tho it was his first kiss he was pretty damn good at making out.

Breaths hot, teeth grazing, lips wet and soft, Denki grabbed a fist full of your hair and groans as he deepens the kiss.

There’s no way he can be doing this right now, this has to be a dream or something.

He couldn’t even think of a response until you ripped your lips off of him. Denki lets out a soft whine you could barely catch, you giggle at this.

Leaning back up, your hand caresses his face.

Denki spills.

“I didn’t know what I could do to impress you, the pickup lines weren’t working, every time I tried to flirt or compliment you it just turned into shit, and I wanted you to not see me as some loser dweeb! So I did something that I knew would get your attention-“

Leaning down again you plant a quick peck.

“Denki, you had me from the start! Cheesy one-liners and all,” you chuckled.

“Really?” Denki asks.

“Mhm, really”

EJIRO KIRISHIMA

• there’s nothing more manly than matching Kirishima’s energy

• but it’s also not manly to get so bashful over it

• you and Kirishima have been the best of friends for a while, besides Mina being the only girl within the friend group. Sometimes he forgets that you’re a girl, he feels as if you’re one of the guys.

• so sometimes, some things he says to his guy friends he says to you.

• and it’s not necessarily a bad thing, it’s just bad when other people around don’t understand the dynamic the both of you got going on.

“Hey, sexy!” You yelled.

Walking into the dorm kitchen, you slap Kirishima’s ass. Jumping, he lets out a laugh.

“Hey, there beautiful~” Kirishima coos.

Of course, everyone around them is shocked seeing such a greeting exchange take place. Except for the rest of bakusquad, duh.

Casual flirting is a thing Kirishima does with his friends, he got it from Denki and now he can’t shake it. He does it to all of his close friends, especially you.

These occurrences usually happen out of nowhere.

Like when the both of you finish sparring with one another during training:

“Y’know Kirishima, if you wanna finish off strong…land on top of me next time,” you say, a sarcastic yet seductive tone sliding off your lips.

“Really? I was really hoping you’d not complain about me pinning you face down ass up this round.”

Or when the both of you are at lunch:

“Oh my god, stop eating your food like a barbarian!” Mina squeals in disgust.

“Oh please, don’t be a cry baby. Y/n knows all about this technique right here, don’t ya?” Kirishima growls, taking a loud slurp of his noodles, he slowly swirls the noodles into his mouth.

Earning a groan from Mina and a giggle out of you.

Or that one conversation you had in class that no one speaks of:

“Kirishima, can you stop bothering me and just do your work!” You laugh.

“I could…but I won’t. I’d rather do you than do my work” he sighs, leaning back into his chair as he stretches. Letting out a groan, you can see a peek of his toned stomach come through.

Is he seriously trying to tease you right now?

“Oh really?” You snarl.

“Mhm, matter of fact. If you were my assignment, I’d work on you all day long until you’d beg to stop.”

This earns a slight blush from you, laughing it off you insult him. “If only there was actually a guy out there that could~” you sigh.

A sparkle shoots through Kirishima’s red eyes.

“You making that a bet? Because listen, honey, I’ll do you better than any man you’ll ever meet do you hear me-“

“Ejiro!”

Mr. Aizawa’s voice booms through the classroom, making the both of you jump.

“Yes sensei!” Kirishima jumps up from his seat, his face red from embarrassment.

“Detention.”

You almost pissed yourself from laughing so hard that day.

Needless to say, the both of you like to talk about fucking each other. Even though you guys always flirt like this around everybody, you’ve never done it alone.

Kirishima felt that if he crossed that boundary, it could ruin your friendship for good.

That was until one day you asked him if he wanted to binge-watch a show with you, and he agreed immediately.

He didn’t realize what that agreement came to until he was there.

“You don’t have a tv?” He says.

Rolling your eyes you chuckle, “why would I have a tv Kirishima, they’re expensive these days and you know that.”

Flopping onto your bed you grab your computer and tuck yourself under the covers.

Let him register this correctly,

You and him, alone, in the dark, under the covers, watching a tv show, on Netflix?

holy shit.

slowly crawling onto the bed, kirishima goes under the covers.

smiling at him you prop open your laptop on your computer and press play.

around 30 minutes passed, the both of you didn't talk that much besides a short witty one-liner and a snort at a funny moment from the show. either than that, it was dead silent.

a moment passes until there's a certain suggestive scene on the screen. a couple sneaking into a random back room in some laundry mat, crashing onto the floor the girl straddles him and starts to grind on him.

"oh please," you groan a slight smirk hints on your face.

perking up kirishima turns towards you, "what's wrong?"

"well...." you trail off, a wide smirk cascades over your face.

this earns a chuckle from him, "what?"

"I just think I could do way better than she can" you say.

this makes Kirishima lightly blush, thank god it was dark and the screen was only lighting the side of his face. "oh really?" Kirishima smiles, you hum with a nod.

the scene continued into a full-on sex scene, he wasn't expecting to watch such a scene with you, his face starts to burn red at this. now he was just thinking about you doing these unholy things to him.

i mean, god, he wished you were riding him that hard-

"are you blushing right now?" you snort.

eyes snapping wide, he looks at you with terror.

frantic, Kirishima slams the computer shut in embarrassment. "what the hell kiri!" you exclaimed.

"y/n, I really can't lay here and pretend that we don't have something going on between us" Kirishima's voice shakes.

the room grows silent for a moment.

"what do you mean?" you ask, voice quiet, almost a whisper.

"this! the constant flirting, the way we touch each other, the way I look at you, and the way you look at me! I mean- look at what we're doing right now! you just talked about how you wanna fuck me in your own bed for all might's sake!" Kirishima grows irritated, he's tired of hiding his feelings from you.

"I'm sorry I didn't get the memo then! fuck, you do it to everyone-"

"but I don't, everyone knows this! you and I both know that I don't talk like this to mina or bakugo, I don't even talk like this to Denki to this extent!" he yells.

"so what do you want me to do? STOP?" you snarl, irritated at his tone.

he rolls his eyes, " you and I both know I don't want that-"

"then what do you want!" you yell.

"shit, I want you, y/n!" he yells back.

his words quickly shut you up.

it becomes silent again, he hears you shuffling with your blankets and a weight it lifted from the bed. he hears you stomp towards your door, flipping the switch with force Kirishima winces at the flash of light.

eyes adjusting, he sees you with a frown on your lips, walking back towards your bed you plop onto your side of the bed. eyes locking with his you whisper, "are you serious?"

"I'm more than serious, I've kinda liked you from the beginning, I thought the flirting was a dead give away but I guess it wasn't" Kirishima scratched the back of his neck in embarrassment.

smiling, you crawl towards him and wrap your arms around his neck.

"so...does that mean that everything you've said to me you meant it?" a smug smirk shows on your lips. kirishima's face gets redder by the moment, he stammers.

"y-yes? I mean! do you like that I meant it?" voice nervous, the makes you giggle.

leaning in you plant a quick peck on Kirishima's lips, leaving Kirishima stunned.

"mhm," you hum.

a moment passes by, then Kirishima smiles.

"well in that case..." Kirishima lets out a mischievous grin, his hands sliding up your waist. the next thing you knew he quickly flipped you on your back, pinning your arms down you wiggled.

before you could even protest, kirishima smashes his lips against yours. pulling away kirishima whispers into your ear.

"well then, maybe we can practice some things I've been meaning to say then, hm?"

hey guys! omg, over 200 likes on my first post! ahh you guys are crazy!! I meant to put iida and deku in this headcanon but they sadly didn't make the cut. I started to get lazy sorry...

-lovelyiida<3

[wannaeatramyeon]

Seong Taehoon x Reader: Swim

G/N. Fluff. Missed this menace.

Finally. After all the time.

There's a sport that Taehoon doesn't excel at.

That he looks sorta pathetic doing. A fish out of water, except... Literally. Or maybe literally the opposite.

Seong Taehoon is a pretty atrocious swimmer. Sure he can swim, but he's neither fast nor skilled. Which is surprising considering his height and his long limbs; his strong shoulders and wide back and legs no one wants to be on the receiving end of.

You outlasted him after lengths and lengths of the pool with breast stroke. You're far quicker at front crawl and somehow he doesn't float particularly well for backstroke.

(Neither of you can do butterfly for shit, but that's a stroke for the weirdos or the gifted, likely both, so you ignore that.)

It's hilarious, and his silent outrage at his un-athleticness makes it all the funnier. Mood growing surlier as your swimming session goes on, only staying due to competitiveness and denial.

You do nothing to help. Taunting and teasing, mocking and provoking. So much so, that even you in your swimwear doesn't uplift him anymore.

Taehoon's saving grace is, he's a pretty comma atrocious swimmer.

And heavens, is pretty an understatement.

He's distracting enough when you're out and about together, fully clothed. Strip him of his jeans and jackets and even the absurdly tight shirts; put him in a pool and in swim trunks... Well.

There is hard muscle as far as the eye can see and legs that go on for miles. Rivulets running down his chest and highlighting his abs. Skin tantalising, flushed with exertion and cheeks tinged pink.

Even the stupid mullet that you at first tolerated, then grown fond, is slicked back. His hair, maybe for the first time ever, is hot. Oh so pretty features on full display and you know everyone here has given Taehoon at least a glance.

If you weren’t so obviously better than him, consistently beating him in the water, you would have no doubt had trouble keeping your hands off him.

"Let's go," he says, interrupting your ogling and shoving you towards the ladder.

"Taehoon~" you whine, trying to plant yourself to no avail, and he gives you a look, "Don't you wanna swim a bit more?"

"I've had enough of your gloating, you lil asshole," he gives you another push, "and enough of people staring."

"You're too pretty for your own good," you scoff, "Cry me a river."

Taehoon exhales, short and sharp to signal he's at the end of his patience with you. It takes a good while longer to get there than for other people, yet he gets there nonetheless.

"I mean at you, dumbass."

"Oh," You notice him practically snarling at a group of boys nearby who have been looking for a moment too long.

"Yeah oh,” he mimics, “Now let's get the fuck out of here."

"Like you care," Taehoon might be right, but why give up the chance to poke the bear one last time? "You're only saying that because you're a sore loser."

He narrows his eyes, displaying full well his annoyance. "You want me to beat your ass?"

"Only if you can catch me!" You kick off the side and start swimming away at speed.

Taehoon shouts, swallowing a mouthful of water as he ungracefully cuts through the water.

"You fuck-!" Cough, sputter. "Get back here!"

[recreationalfanfics]

Hiya! So happy to see another loki fan!

Could you do him and a bubbly, optimistic y/n! Real puppy dog energy, but she's also kind of clever. Like people underestimate her because they think shes ditzy, maybe loki did at first too, but she really just sees the bright side of stuff and is high energy, so they're actually really smart!

Srry this was so long!!! Have a great day!

YES! I ABSOLUTELY LOVE THIS PROMPT SO MUCH THANK YOU♡

- CONSIDERING THE EGO OF THIS MAN, HE DEFINETLY HAD THE GALL TO UNDERESTIMATE YOU. I mean, look at you. So bright eyed and happy, you were chatting with your fellow peers and your enemies alike knowing full well you're entering this contest that will costs the lives of many people.

- He thought you were niave really or maybe just really stupid. I mean, you often got lost in the arena, you were so unaware of your surroundings at times that you would just casually walk into objects and then proceeded to apologize to them, and overall seemed so happy and enthusiastic even though you were losing.

- He never saw your frown fall and he always found that interesting, as your fellow human was sent to Niflhiem, there was no sadness in your eyes. Obviously no one else noticed because they were too busy grieving but Loki did and thats how his interest in you starts.

- One day he corners you to ask about why you smiled despite the fact that it looked like humanity was doomed. No one knows what happened, Brunhilde just watched as you walked away and Loki followed you.

- Since then, people are so baffled by how close you and the God of Mischief are now. The way you two started talking to one another as if you weren't on completely opposite sides, decorating his nails with nail polish that you somehow acquired, and overall just glued to the hip.

- Sometimes you're a bit clumsy, like when your eyes light up when you look at Loki and run over to him, only to trip over your own feet but he just teleports and grabs you by your waist by teasing you about how clumsy you are.

- You always find his tricks amusing and even let him know what he could do to make them even "funnier", you're the only person who actually has a sense of humor because while Ragnarok was fun, everyone was so terribly serious sometimes but at least you knew how to have a little fun.

- Loves how openly affectionate you are with him, he is pretty touchy but not obnoxiously so, yeah he'll have his arms wrapped around you here and there but you're the one who just grabs his face when he floats upside down and covers it kisses or playing with his hair absentmindedly as he tells you about his latest prank he pulled.

- He also never really annoys you, even when he is being a little mean at times. The gods see it go over your head and they feel bad for you but they don't actually know when he says passive-aggressive things, you're not really bothered because you know he's a sore loser and you had just finished beating him in a game that you were simply too good at. He never goes too far but its clear he's still sulking.

- The gods aren't sure how but you've somehow managed to get Loki wrapped around your little finger almost as much as you're wrapped around his. Some gods admit that it's strange to see Loki so absent but they assume that he's just manipulating you and you just happen to be the new toy he's playing with since you seem like you mean well, but they also don't think you're all that bright.

- That doesn't mean that they don't enjoy your company, you're very fun to talk to but conversations are always cut short because of Loki's possessiveness.

- He especially hates it when Hermes mentions some boring fact about Greece and what it was like back in the day and somehow you get interested and start asking him questions and Loki just rolls his eyes in annoyance as this conversation goes on for LONGER THAN HE WANTS IT TOO.

- Zeus gets curious as to why Brunhilde lets you near the God's so much or why she let's you near Loki in general.

- Zeus: "If I were you, I'd be very concerned or at the very least, pick a new champion. Who knows what sick game Loki is playing at?"

- Brunhilde can't resist that mischievous smile and looks at Zeus with a raised eyebrow, "Really? I don't think they're really playing any games with each other and even if they were, Loki wouldn't be the one I was worried about."

The day of your fight came, everyone felt bad for you because the Gods had pitted you against their wisest diety. The humans weeped, after all, you were such a delightful soul but you stood know chance against such a revered and knowledgeable God. Göll was horrified as she started to tear up, you had become something like a big sister too her in your time here. Always comforting her after she lost her sisters and reassuring her that their sacrifices won't be in vain.

"I-I...We can't lose her too, Brunhilde!" Göll weeded. Bruhilde looked at you as you entered the ring, the both of you sharing a crimson smile.

"We won't, Göll." She assured.

While Heimdall was doing introductions, Loki was floating upside down and kicking his feet excitedly when you walked out. It wasn't uncommon for him to switch sides but for the first time since Ragnarok started, he was rooting for the humans.

"You seem quite happy. Aren't you worried about her?" Hermes noted. Loki turned his head towards him slightly: "Hmm? No. Not really. Why?"

Shiva speaks up, "Hey, I like that little mortal as much as the next God but she's...kinda out of her league this round, isn't she? I mean...look at who they're going against."

The round starts and your battlefield takes place in a clock tower where gears grinded and other mechanics clanked and clacked loudly. Your opponent looks at you smugly as you play with your divine weapon, a bouncing ball.

"I know, I feel bad for the poor God." Loki snickered, "After all, she's is quite clever when she wants to be~"

The very first thing you do, much to everyone's surprise, is throw your ball into one of the gears. The God against you taunts you for creating such a dumb mistake and you just smile at them, shrugging your shoulders carelessly.

"I can't watch this." Shiva groans, looking away. The green haired God smiled: "Aw, but you're gonna miss the good part!"

As they charge at you, you seem completely unbothered, standing still in one place. As they went to attack you, something sounds like it breaks and one of the giant gears hits the God into the side of the arena. Sending them crashing into the other gears, they try to shake it off and go after you again but realizes that one of their garments is caught in the gears, causing them to stay stuck.

Everyone watches from the screen and the God's can sense something is about to happen.

"What on Earth is going on?" Aphrodite frowned, confused as to why you haven't done ANYTHING to attack. Thor looks at Loki and narrows his eyes: "What did you mean by she was clever earlier?"

"Exactly what I said. Wisdom is fun and all if you're boring, you can know everything all you want. But cleverness is all about using the area and everything around you. Sometimes even the people." Loki smirked as he looked at the other Gods.

During your fight, the God still hasn't been able to get loose and your ball that was stopping the two gears from moving couldn't handle the pressure of being squeezed into two different directions before it finally shot out of the gears and directly at the God. With such force that their body which was struggling to be untangled now went limp and everyone gasped, the ball now having created a clean hole through the God's chest. You tilted your head as you looked at the camera, directly towards Brunhilde.

"Was that really it? I've had checkers matches that lasted longer."

The gods are horrified, unable to comprehend how their colleague could have been beaten so easily by a human like you. Meanwhile when humanity recovered from the shock, they cheered with such ferocity and excitement as you walked out of the stadium, your valkyrie appearing beside you and suffering from a killer headache and you apologized sweetly but congratulated her for being such an awesome partner.

"W-What just happened!?" Ares demanded, turning around to glare at the God of Mischief, "DID YOU HELP HER!?"

"Hmm? Oh, nah. She did it all by herself, can you believe that?" Loki grinned. Zeus grabbed him by his shoulder warningly: "Loki...if I found out you betrayed us for a mortal-"

Loki looked shocked but then laughed, his hand covering his mouth and tears nearly forming at the corners of his eyes.

"Please, don't tell me you didn't notice anything off about (Y/n)? Even I knew it but I thought you'd all see it. Although, I can't blame you, she nearly had me fooled." He sang in a know it all manner, "That's why I went to talk to her after Adam's match, after all, she was so chipper...a bit too happy. You know what she told me that day when I asked her why?"

The Gods all stayed silent, Loki kept them in suspense before quoting those exact words you told him: "that she couldn't wait to see the look on your faces when she avenged her friends."

They looked at him and then at you, who was now waving at the cameras and even blew a kiss at where Loki was.

"She...She was acting the whole time?" Hermes frowned.

"You knew?" Odin finally spoke up, rising to his full height and standing in front of Loki. Loki only lowered himself onto his chair and brought his knees to his chest, "I wasn't sure. After all, she complimented my boots right after so I assumed it was her optimism but I had my suspicions. I didn't know for sure until this battle. It's terrifying, isn't it? How she played us into just giving her a win on a silver platter."

Loki then bit his nail with a smile, a blush on his face growing as the Gods were realizing how you'd play them for fools the entire time.

"She's so perfect.♡"

[captaincapsicle83]

At First Sight ○○ Bucky Barnes x reader

Pairings: Natasha x reader (platonic), Wanda x reader (platonic), Clinton x reader (platonic), Bucky x reader

Plot: Your roommates set you up on a date with their coworker, and you two hit it off right away. (Most of this story is silly little platonic fun, but I like it anyway).

(The little gif of him drinking water is funnier after you read the story)

“He has a cat.”

“Well, whoop-di-do,” You huff monotonously. Wanda scrunches up her nose at you, before sighing and shaking her head.

“I think you should go,” She says. You risk rolling your eyes, even though she could very well kill you, then and there.

“‘I think you should go’” You say, making your voice go higher, in a mocking tone. “If he’s so great, you go. I have a ton of work to do.”

Just last year, you landed a teaching position. It had been in May, and you were given hardly any time at all to prep. School started again in a week, and even though you’d been preparing loosely all summer, this week you were locked in.

So why the hell did Wanda need you to go on a stupid date?

“If you don’t go, there’s a good chance you’ll die alone,” She crosses her arms, eyebrows raised.

“You’re here, and so is Natasha,” You point out, finally putting your laptop to the side, and uncrossing your legs, stretching them out.

“What about when we go get married and have lives, and have jobs, and you just…die of boredom,” What was this a Sims game? Was she gonna lock you in a room with a radio next? Put the walls up around a pool?

“Clint’ll be here. Poor little shit’s never getting married. No one wants the little scrapper,” You pull your coffee mug to your lips. You must’ve left it idle longer than intended, because instead of warm, silky, and smooth, it was starkly cold, and felt thin beyond your lips.

“You want him?” Her eyes were annoyed, but her face was bemused.

“He’s low maintenance,” You shrug.

“Who?” Someone says, coming through the front door with an armload of groceries, and a red-haired friend behind them. While Clint had about ten plastic bags of things, Natasha sipped an iced coffee from a straw, looking awfully unbothered.

“Why does she still look homeless Wanda?” Nat questioned. “You said you were gonna drag her kicking and screaming.”

“We were getting there.”

Four people in one New York apartment, in upper Manhatten. It was expensive as high hell, but you all made it work.

So why am I gonna put my job on hold for something stupid as this-

You’re sitting on Wanda’s bed, Natasha’s fingers in your hair, Wanda in her closet, and Clint tasked with the job of “make-up artist”.

“I have my hobbies.”

You’re just about at the end of your rope with them, Wanda picking something out and Clint huffing and puffing that it doesn’t go with the look he’s going for, Natasha yelling at both of them like children. Finally, the timer that means, “We better be ready now or we’re gonna be late” sounds off. Wanda’s best idea today, the worst being, obviously…

Natasha and Wanda have tickets for an art gallery opening, so they’re both driving you, Clint tagging along for “moral support.” Groans were elicited.

Natasha was giving you a run down the whole way there.

“He’s a little quiet at first,” She says.

“Good thing you’re not,” Clint whispers to you.

“I don’t know if he’ll get there first, or not, but he’s got dark hair and will probably be wearing dark clothes, he does around the office all the time.”

“Emo bo-” Clint cuts himself off from his whisper, snapping to Natasha. “He works with us.”

“Yes.”

Silence…

“Well, who is it?” Clint asks, rather boisterously.

“…No.”

“No?” Clint, clearly offended, turns to you. “What’s his name?”

Your mouth opens, before shutting again, realizing no one had told you. You lean forward in the backseat.

“Who is it, Nat?”

“You’ll see.”

“No-” “Nuh-uh!” You and Clint both protest.

“I’ve been to your guys’ office I wanna know,” you say.

“Better pray it’s Steve,” Clint says.

“Oh, Natasha it better be Steve.”

Natasha turns around in the passenger seat, to face you and Clint in the back.

“Steve is engaged,” She starts.

“Yeah, so?” Clint says, and the car is quiet for a moment. When you make eye contact with Clint’s green eyes, the silence is cut by both of your laughter.

Unfortunately, this put a dent in the interrogation, and now you were outside of the diner. Your friends had told you good luck and left you here. You did notice Natasha whisper something to Clint as you got out, and his eyes nearly popped out of his head. She covered his mouth and basically strangled him down when he tried to tell you.

Since they were gone…no one could force you to go in…

You couldn’t do that. Morally, you would feel horrible to just leave whoever this is sitting alone, waiting for you.

And the girls might evict you.

You walked through the doors of the diner. The diner was a cute little place, albeit a strange theme. It was based on Norse Mythology, called “Odin’s Sons.”

You were greeted by a blonde man, who was the hostess. You told him you were here to meet a date and he broke out into a smile. He said a man had arrived just a little while ago, here to wait for a date.

He led you to a table, where you were greeted by-

before

“I think you’ll like it,” Sam was saying. He was helping his friend, coworker, and roommate, get ready for a date Sam had set up for him.

“Who is she again?” Bucky asked, his voice strained.

“You don’t know her, but she’s Nat and Clint’s friend. She’s in some of the pictures on Clint’s stupid little desk of picture frames,” Bucky rolled his eyes at the mention of the pictures. Clint took many unauthorized pictures of Bucky himself (among others) and they ended up in frames. Clint claimed that, being an art major, and having taken many photography classes, he had the ultimate right.

As Sam described what you looked like, Bucky felt like he did sorta know who he was talking about. You came into the office sometimes, to bring whiny Clint and grateful Natasha food and coffee.

And you were probably the same girl Clint tortured and made fun of him for having a “crush” on.

Bucky arrived at the restaurant about half an hour before he was due. He wanted to be early and to have time to shake away all the nerves.

Well, maybe all was a bit much to ask. There were definitely a lot of nerves to cover.

He was greeted by Thor, the host who gave him a seat. A teenage boy with light brown hair and a bubbly personality brought him a glass of water and some bread. And another glass of water. And another. And a refill of bread.

“Thanks, Peter,” Bucky said again. No matter how many times the boy had to come back, he didn’t seem to stop smiling or being glad to get Bucky yet another glass of water.

As Thor came around the corner again, just as Peter was leaving, he was accompanied by the very girl Bucky had guessed it would be.

You were laughing, he could see, something Thor had said. Time felt like it was slowed as you met his eyes with yours. They seemed to sparkle with your joy, and his heart fluttered at the sight.

He hadn’t seen you so elegant before, but to him, you looked just as beautiful with or without. The makeup that defined your features seemed to have been applied with a steady hand. The dress you wore seemed to almost go with the makeup, and he wondered if it was planned or if you were just…perfect.

He had barely any time at all to gather his thoughts and put his ducks in a row before you sat across from him, smiling warmly. He smiled back, unable to say or do anything but sip his water.

“Hi,” You said. Your heart was pounding, and your heads were sweaty with nervousness. He set down his water glass that he had been holding since you came around the corner with Thor. He was barely finished saying hi back when the young waiter came to take your order.

He ordered first, and you quickly scanned the menu and picked something. The boy smiled warmly as he collected the menus from you, with the promise your food would be out soon.

“So,” The dark-haired man cleared his throat. You were entranced by the blue of his eyes as he said, “You…your name’s Y/n, right?”

“Hmm? Oh!” You realized you were basically questioning your own name, only a second too late. “Yeah, yeah, uh…Nat…asha, didn’t really tell me…your name.”

You decided on the long version of Nat’s name, taking a pause beforehand. You were grateful when the waiter, Peter, popped up out of nowhere with a drink you ordered, and more water for your date.

“It’s Bucky…Well, I mean, it’s James, but everyone calls me Bucky,” “Bucky” gave you a lopsided smile, which you returned.

Peter wasn’t lying when he said your food would be out right away. It seemed like you had barely taken the time to talk before your plates were in front of you.

“So you have…?”

“Three roommates,” you said, laughing a little.

“Oh god, and one of them’s Clint?” His face was twisted in genuine concern, which made you laugh a little harder. Bucky was hot and Bucky was funny and you could hardly take it.

“What about you?”

“It’s just me and Sam right now…and we have a cat,” He adds the last part after taking a sip of his drink.

“You don’t look like a cat person,” You shake your head, taking a bite of your food.

“If I wear clothes that haven’t immediately come out of the dryer, I look like a cat,” He says, and then seems to pull a white cat hair off of his black shirt.

“You need lighter clothes.”

“Not really my style.”

“You’re eternally a goth kid?”

He lets out a loud laugh at that, making you smile even harder.

~~~

“She was hot, and she was funny,” Bucky was saying to Sam. Sam was lying stretched out on the couch, Alpine laying pristinely on his chest, all her legs tucked under her fluffy body.

“That’s nice Bucky,” Sam says, only half paying attention. He coos at the cat, scratching her chin, “Isn’t that nice baby?”

“Okay, you’re not listening.”

“What makes you think that?”

~~~

You were laying on your couch, your feet in Clint’s lap as he prodded you with questions. Natasha shushed him, smacking him upside the head, as she handed you a drink. And by drink, that refers to an entire bottle of wine.

You were fiddling with the cork as you droned on about the date. About what Bucky looked like, and about what you talked about. More about what he looked like…

You let yourself trail off as Natasha and Clint shared a knowing look, and Wanda was smiling to herself as she played on her phone.

“What?” you ask, eyes full of innocence.

“Noth-” Wanda starts, but Clint cuts her off.

“You’re whipped,” he laughs.

You smile to yourself, shaking your head.

Maybe you were.

[asexualasshat]

Y’all remember the tiktok trend where grown ups realized that they’d forgotten how to skip. Headcannon that one, a few years after Derry part 2, Richie is being a silly sappy little fellow. Starts skipping while he and Eddie are a park or whatever. He grabs Eddie’s hand to bring him along for the ride. And Eddie??? Understands the hypothetical concept of skipping. And yet his feet? Doing a sort of botched gallop.

And Richie LOSES IT! Starts roasting him. And Eddie is freaking tf out. He’s yelling but also still trying to figure skipping out. You can’t really tell if he’s yelling more at Richie or at himself. And he’s still galloping away. Richie is on the ground, holding his face in his hands to muffle his laughter.

Eventually, Richie gets up and he starts coaching Eddie. Twenty minutes later, they’re hand in hand, skipping down the path.

Richie didn’t have a choice but to tell the losers everything. And the groupchat?? LOSES IT! At first? Just roasts tf out of Eddie at first. Ben comes to his defence pretty quickly. And then asks “when was the last time you guys skipped? Are you sure you remember?”

And the accusations fly right back at Ben. Asking him if he can skip. And Ben??? In his office wearing his fancy designer work clothes???? Takes a video of himself skipping. And he sure can skip! When he’s done showing off he comes close to the camera and says “we just had a daughter. I’ve prepared.”

And again, they’re going wild. Within minutes, videos start pouring in. Bev is first, obviously immediately ready to support her husband. She’s a dazzling skipper. She’d win first prize in a skipping competition. The technique is impeccable.

Stan is next. He gets Patty into it as well, to know one’s surprise. Neither is perfect. Patty’s footwork isn’t perfect but she has pizazz. Stan is pure technique, to the point that it’s awkwardly stiff. But the pair are smiling and skipping so it doesn’t even matter. Their own daughter just toddles around in the background. Kind of embarrassing for her, but she doesn’t know what embarrassment is yet.

Mike is out in a field, phone probably propped up on his water bottle or a log. He’s mostly just frolicking around, but there’s a few solid skips in there. It’s gloriously cinematic.

Audra is on camera next, and bill can be heard saying “show me! I want to see.” She hangs in the air longer than any mortal should be able to. Her flowy dress flounces out. She giggles in response to bill saying “wow!” and “you’re really good!”

But then hepassed the phone to Audra. Of course they don’t think to stop filming in between, so you hear all the shuffling. Audra says “okay, show me!” And Bill?? The bitch can’t get his feet off the ground. There’s no elevation at all. Audra is losing her mind. She’s scream laughing. Bill looks devastated.

A moment after his own roasting begins, bill texts back “so does this mean I’m a bad dad?” And immediately it turns to dad comfort. Ben’s “kids don’t usually start to try skipping until they’re four. You have two years to practice!” And Stan’s “your son is going to see you learn and grow as a man. You’re setting a great example.” Its really quite wholesome.

Obviously someone filmed it in the park. The world sees the graceful pursuit of Eddie learning to skip. Twitter obviously loves it because it so so silly and sweet. Richie tweets something stupid like (and funnier than) “bet your husband can’t skip, either.”

And Bev, because she has notifications on for Richie, immediately replies with Ben’s video and saying “my husband could beat your husband”

More videos start pouring in. Stan keeps their video as a groupchat exclusive, but tweets from his rarely active account “Richie I literally taught you how to skip when you were 6.” Richie responds calling him a bitch.

Bill posts their video saying “watch me realize I can’t skip.”

And later. Hours later. Many. Hours. Later. Audra posts a video to her insta story. She has taught Bill how to skip. Is it graceful? No. Does it have technique? No. Could you call it good? No. But goddamn he skipped.

Eddie holds it over him for weeks that he’s the better beginner skipper

[welcome-tothe-madness]

Black Butler Anime Spoilers

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.

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So, I just got to thinking about how at the end of s1, Sebastian panicked when Ciel threw himself off the tower and into the water to presumably kill himself so that Sebastian could have his soul. Obviously that’s not how the soul-eating process worked, which is why Sebastian saved him.

But then I realized that killing yourself is how you become a Grim Reaper

Alternative ending for s1: Ciel wakes up as a Reaper, after successfully offing himself, and being faced with a pissed demon because he wasn’t able to receive his wages.

Alternative s2: Ciel, feeling bad about Sebastian not recieving his wages, seeks out Alois as Sebastian’s payment since Alois has such a similar backstory/soul as him. Then the battle begins between Hannah & Claude versus Ciel & Sebastian for Alois’s soul

Some potential dialogue:

Ciel: Sebastian, I order you to-

??? Michealis: you seem to have forgotten I am no longer Sebastian, nor am I your butler. Even after passing on you are just as useless. You are a reaper now you can do it yourself! >:(

Ngl I’ve always hated s2’s ending, because I always hated the fact Sebastian never got his damn meal after working so hard. I also used to hate the prospect of an immortal Ciel, but after thinking of this, I think a potential reaper/demon dynamic where they help each other reap/eat souls is so much funnier

Also this is by no means a serious AU or anything, I just like entertaining the idea of this awkward scenario and the hijinks that could ensue.

[ineedatherapyplz]

HEADCANONS, JOHNNY SLAUGHTER!¡

tw ; mentions of blood, murders & possibly nsfw(i do not get in any details but still),johnny slaughter is a c*nnibal tho so yk.

FIRST ; CHILHOOD.

as you may know, johnny was adopted by the black nancy. he never questioned his link with the others, he has always been considering them as his family. but he never told anyone “i love you�� it's not really his thing.

as a child, he would have been obsessed with furr and animals. he was only curious about how they ended up dead and that's basically what got him into his “hunter mind” first.

(personal hc) he got his knife bc of his first victim, as he was only a teenager at the time, he wanted to help the family and took one of the knife without permission, and got out of the house to haunt by himself. he would also keep some things from the “funniest” haunts, when he's really entertaining by it (some hair or idk, whatever your twisted mind is thinking about ).

he would get overprotective over his mother, i see him having a difficult relationship with nancy, as he grew up he started to hate her for adopting him/kidnapping him (as a sign of rebellion or maybe the fear of not being as loved as the others) but at the same time would die to protect her. this boy has mommy issues probably.

that man HATES his sister, but he also loves her a lot. as a teenager, he would do pranks on her (like hiding some weird things in her stuffs, like a victim's finger or something like this he's just that strange perturbed teenager) and sissy would fight back, and they would just end up crying bc of this. YOU CAN'T TELL ME THAT YOUNG JOHNNY WAS NOT A DIVA AND A CRYBABY.

SECOND; ADULTHOOD.

he became what is the closest to a be serial killer, so johnny grew out of his furr and dead animals stage to just haunt real ppl, he probably started to help his family, but found a satisfaction to it bc humans are “funnier” to haunt, he would laugh when they cry, fake being nice to them.

his technic is either helping ppl with their broken car to lead them to their house or gase station, or just stalk them (like he did with maria) he would probably go to bars too, he's a one night stand kind of man, he never had a gf or a partner in general (obviously).

he probably has a blood kink and would probably love to play with his knife, i feel like when it's not for “food” he wouldn't get too weird, but would be weird when he knows how it's going to end.

johnny does not know how to make the difference btw the feeling of love and obsession, he would have an obsession over someone and confuse this with love. so he could, perhaps, let some victims live longer bc of this but is easily tired of them (except if he's like really obsessed). i see him being unlabelled, he just likes the idea of having power and doesn't care that much about gender : he just want to control everything. he would probably give nicknames during "it", and has a degradation kink prob bc that man just loves to feel superior. he would play with the roles like the haunter and his prey. yeah he's weird

his scars, to me, are from some previous haunts. but some are probably from his fights with sissy. the one on his face is probably the result of a victim that tried to fight back, during his teenage hood, but he's not really careful and likes the idea of being possibly hurt bc it means that the haunt was entertaining and not too easy, he would see this as a way to show his victories.

[cl0wncandies]

breast cancer show ever is my favorite south park episode. i think that the whole plot line that sets up the fight scene in last few minutes of the episode makes it even more satisfying to watch cartman get the snot beaten out of him in the end.

cause first off, before this episode aired, there wasn’t really any point in the show where cartman truly got what he deserved. yeah some bad things had happened to him before, but he’s never truly gotten any form of karma for his actions.

so when wendy says that she’s gonna fight him. he doesn’t take it all that seriously, just he expects to either easily win the fight or for wendy to back out before the end of the school day.

and then at lunch he realizes that if he loses the fight, everyone will think he’s a massive loser. what makes this even funnier is that cartman genuinely believes that he’s “the cool kid” and that everyone likes him. so his fear of losing a fight to a girl (which is a big deal for fourth graders) makes him desperate to prevent it from happening, without apologizing in front of everyone of course.

so now cartman does literally everything in his power to stop the fight before the school day ends.

he tries to apologize to wendy in private, without confessing that he was wrong in front of everyone.

he tries bribing her with money, and even goes as far as to eat his own underwear.

and near the end of the school day, he’s so desperate to get out of the fight that he goes up to his teachers desk and takes a dump on it in front of the whole class so he would get a detention. and then the fight was moved to the next morning. he wasn’t out of the fight yet he had time to find another strategy to stop wendy from beating the shit out of him.

cartman then goes full tattletale mode and tells his mom a sob story of how wendy is bullying him at school, and how we just wants to be her friend. he even takes the extra mile to put a fancy cardigan on and comb his hair over to make himself look even more sad and pathetic.

so obviously wendys parents are like “hey don’t fight this kid” and she finally gives up.

now, if cartman had just stopped there, he probably would’ve gotten away with his actions like he normally has up to this point in the show. but this is eric cartman, so he obviously has to take the extra mile in terrorizing her at school. he makes his school research paper about making fun of breast cancer, just to further show to wendy that there’s nothing she can do anymore since her parents have prevented her from fighting.

then wendy gets called down to the principals office, and principal victoria is like “hey are you gonna beat up cartman” and wendy says no. then victoria is like “mmmm, are you sure about that?”

AND THEN SHE BASICALLY GIVES WENDY PERMISSION TO FUCKING DESTROY CARTMAN IN THE SCHOOL PLAYGROUND. she calls him a “fat little lump of cancer” that needs to be “fought.” i find this scene so funny cause it just shows that literally everyone, including the adults and school faculty wants to see cartman get some form of karma.

and then the actual fight scene itself is one of the best moments in the entire show. here’s a list of things that i love about it.

wendy pulls up to the playground with a bunch of students following her. some of the kids are from different grade levels, which shows that literally everyone wants to see cartman get beaten up.

and wendy also puts her hair up in a bun and takes off her coat so we can see her my little pony tank top, so you know that she means BUSINESS.

the face that cartman makes when he realizes that he can no longer manipulate or gaslight his way out of the fight without backing out in front of the entire school, which he can’t do since he believes that he’s the “cool kid.”

cartman having to pull up his pants after the first punch that wendy threw made him fall over.

and lastly, how butters gets so excited to see them fight. he’s been egging them both on throughout the entire episode, and he gets so happy when wendy finally shows up at the playground.

also, when he yells “FUCK HIM UP WENDY!” was so funny

anyways 10/10 episode it’s so funny

[sparkpelt111]

Random shi-

Empires season two as Greek gods

Joel- Zeus - obviously

Katherine - Artemis- because she's a badass killing machine

Shelby - Athena - I have no clue why, but this fits her

Gem - Demeter - You know, because they both farm and stuff

Joey - Poseidon - name one reason why not, I dare ya

Fwip - Hephaestus - Eh, just kinda fit out of the remaining options

Jimmy - Aphrodite - Because no mortal can gaze upon her-I mean his- beauty without falling in love(the little bit of the Sherriff thing i knew about lead to this)

Oli - Apollo - God of music, no more is needed

False - Ares - I don't know, just kinda went with it

Pix - Hades - They stay out of other peoples business and silently judge them from a distance (thx warriordragonsoul!)

Lizzie - Dionysus - Because they're both weird and deal with berries?

Sausage - Hestia - Best out of the last two left

Scott - Hera - The longer I think about this, the funnier it gets for some reason

Please send help. My own brain is driving me insane

[eveindtub]

i know we're tired by now, but i have one take on only friends characters that i think we might be overlooking because of our own personal attachments (to them AND the actors).

you might have heard before of mirror/parallel characters (if you haven't, i'd recommend the read about it because it's very interesting) and whether it's the writers' purpose or not, i think we have these in the main six.

"Parallel characters, also known as mirror characters, are characters who share many similarities with each other. These similarities can be related to the characters' personalities, backgrounds, or motivations. By having so much in common, they are then able to highlight the differences between their decisions. The characters complement each other while revealing truths about each other that would otherwise have been difficult to spot."

my two cents on who is mirroring who in only friends is:

top - ray

mew - sand

boston - nick

if you leave favouritism at the door and pay real attention to these characters' background and personalities you'll see they're actually very similar, but they're moving on different directions because of, obviously, their different realities, surroundings, etc. what makes us, us.

top and ray are both rich kids with a sad past, and apparently problems with their parents, who ended up turning to drugs as a coping mechanism; both used to getting what they want, when they want and not taking a no for an answer. and funnily enough, maybe that's why they both despise each other (and fell for mew). i think these two are the most obvious mirror and it's what makes funnier to watch how different are the fandom's reactions for their actions every week. they're pretty much the same font, in different notebooks.

mew and sand are also easy to notice: quiet guys that are mostly worried about doing their own things and not messing with anyone's business; both very vocal about their needs and intentions and the only ones who seem to know how to draw and not to cross a line. the fact they end up getting involved with top and ray draws another interesting mirror: we can see two pairs with people that are pretty similar, but with very different routes.

it's almost like saying: hey, look at a&b and now look at c&d - this is what a&b could've been, under these circumstances - with different choices.

for boston and nick, i feel like it's more of a reach, but you can see they also have their similarities or they wouldn't have hit from the start (like let's be for real, that was insanity). i see them as the only ones that could understand each other, to the point that boston might not even think nick bugging his car was creepy (just be pissed bc it was behind his back). but then again, boston wears his insanity proudly while nick is more reserved: still, deep down they're very alike (in nick's own words, he's also nasty).

on another note, we have the public view on all of this: you just don't see them reacting with the same fervor about the similarities of the characters. for example, top has been painted as a red flag for doing things ray has as well - but ray is a lonely guy who needs love and care; not top. meanwhile, sand have been clapped as the most unproblematic character, but mew is definitely plotting something behind his good guy act. on boston and nick, there's just not much discourse even tho boston is pretty much the drama, so i'll leave it at that, but i think we took longer to judge nick for his actions, since he is quieter.

there's a quote that says:

"It is funny how different mirrors reveal different aspects, it must be like people you meet, you get to prefer the ones who show an image of you that you like." — Alain Bremond-Torrent

which i see like: even though these characters are very much alike, people keep picking this or that side because of their own perspectives on life, which don't necessarily means this or that character is in the wrong or is better than the other, but some interpretations have been muddled because of their own traits (or preferences?).

back to my first point, i don't know if the writers intended to make them like this on purpose, but the weekly discourse is showing how the reactions on very sensitive topics are just not the same if you just switch the character (or may i say, the actor?), to what i believe is one of the reasons behind writing mirror characters.

but the conclusion is, none of these characters are blank pages and they all have their wrongs. it doesn't make them villains or protagonists - they're all just parallel lines going through this mess and i wish we, as viewers, could be more impartial when judging those actions. when something is wrong, it is, no matter the one behind it. so let's stop witch-hunting some while patting the head of others.

[asterz-playz-official]

Completely forgot to write this into the draft but Michael would have just sat down at the desk, spun around in the chair a bit, then noticed one of those little plaques sitting on the desk with the words “Head Archivist” engraved on it.

Cue buffering/loading/dial-up noises, followed by the sound of his head completely exploding. /hj

Although, it would honestly be even funnier if he saw it, assumed it got mixed up in his stuff somehow, (or just got left there from when this was Gertrude’s office), and went to Jon to ask him if he could take it to Elias for him.

And Jon just gives him a weird look- “…Why. Do you want another one?” (Sarcastically)

“What? No- I- I just wanted to give this to someone so they can return it to-“ a little stab of pain upon remembering that Gertrude is no longer head archivist, as he’d just been about to say her name… “um. Wh-who’s… who… will be taking over for… Gertrude…”

And Jon is just looking at Michael like he’s just asked what color his own hair is, before apparently realizing something and sighing so VERY heavily-

“They didn’t- Tim. Tim didn’t tell you anything, did he.”

“Well they were going very well out of their way not to- hold on- wait. Wait, you don’t mean-? You don’t mean ME-“

And THAT’S when his head explodes. /j

Thoughts about this below the cut, just in case anyone wants to know why it’s Michael instead of Jon, cause I know it seems unrealistic, but I swear to you, there is thought and reasoning behind this.

So… look at this from Elias’s perspective for a moment, if you will.

Jon, obviously, was hired in the hopes of having him replace Gertrude eventually, which would get Jonah’s plan under way. But there is a problem for him with this, and it is, unfortunately, a person. And people aren’t predictable. They do not do what you want them to do, no matter how hard you try to get them to do it. No matter how many strings you tie around their necks, they will wind up finding a way to follow some other path than the one you’re guiding them along.

Michael is a problem for him.

He had thought he could get rid of him by pulling him back into the archives and setting the whole thing on fire, but somehow… he was more than aware that some power was trying to interfere. But he wouldn’t let it take control of his archive.

No. He had to stop it, somehow, and there was only one thing he could do about it.

He had to put Michael in charge.

The man was underqualified enough. And Gertrude had done the job of preventing him from having access to any of the knowledge he’d have actually needed in order to run the archives, so naturally, Jonah could control him as far as he would need to. It was all just a matter of sinking the correct links into him, tethering to whatever boulder he needed to, and letting it roll him off of a cliff.

If he proved to be useful, then all the better for him, he supposed.

[ I don’t like thinking with Elias/Jonah’s brain at ALL-

His mind legitimately feels like it’s rotten. No, not “oh he’s a bad, rotten guy”, I mean currently ROTTING or some shit. To the point where all the bits that might have contained his humanity and empathy are gone, and only the “necessary” bits are still there. A corroded, inhuman mess. Guh. I wish I could wash that shit off or something- (/lh-ish) ]

[goddessofroyalty]

Rhaenyra having a throne will not make her forgiving for killing her son I would think, because if his idea is he kills luke in any point of time irz not natural he will follow because rhaenyra coddles her kids and most likely never getting over her suspicious towards aemond or the green kids. What would be funnier is if luke was using him to get kids and thinking of killing him when he got to be an inconvenient or past his use. Because what use does aemond have really

"It will only be for a little,” his mother continues. Once she is Queen she can annul any marriage she wants.

"And if he hurts you, we feed him to the dragons,” Daemon adds, and it’s clear he means it.

Yeah that was the game plan.

To be fair a lot of these thoughts from both sides were pre-Rhaenyra taking the crown. Back when everyone wasn't sure if the succession was going to end in a battle. The fact that it is a somewhat peaceful transition makes them moot point - it's obviously easier for them both if they didn't have to kill the other.

Although the card is on Luke's table a lot longer than Aemonds. Once Rhaenyra is crowned there is no way for Aemond to kill Luke (and at least Rhaenys...) and actually get Driftmark. While Luke could kill Aemond and what could Aemond's family really do with Luke's family fully backing him (and no Aemond + Vhagar to bolster their sides power).

[distortedmoondisc]

hiiai for the ask game thing 🥺👉👈

Hi!! Thank you so much for asking for my otp vi 🥹💖💖💖

So! I hope I don't get too rambly with it ahdhfj

1. What made you ship it?: oh boy, the first and second chapters of the !! Main Story made me become so obsessed with them it wasn't even normal. I went into ensemble stars without any idea or notion about the franchise or the writing beforehand and I was absolutely confused with the way the characters talked to each other (the enstars writing is definitely an acquired taste imo lmao). So you must imagine how insane I felt when I, who wasn't used to male characters having such blatant, shameless and obviously deliberately flirty/romantic/shippy intended dialogue with each other such as.... This:

This was!!!! On their first meeting!!! They have known each other for less than 5 minutes and Aira has already fondled Hiiro's bicep!!!! Are these two normal??? (If you've been into enstars long enough you'll know that the answer is !!! No !!!)

And what's funnier is that after Aira does the (rub, rub), the next dialogue is literally this:

so like.... Akira (writer of all of the !! Main story) here had to force a switch on the conversation so these two could focus again on the topic they were discussing before (about whether or not they're underachievers and about Ensemble Square) from that fondling muscles scene. This means Akira didn't have any need to write that scene between these two, it wasn't necessary for the plot. The madlad just added that scene in there out of nowhere. Just for the funsies. For a silly little laugh. Because there's nothing more fun than making your OCs flirt with each other this shamelessly in your own story. He really gets the assignment.

Listing a few honorable mentions for hiiai interactions from the first and second episodes of the !! MS that made me imprint on them so hard that they became my biggest otp since july of last year and has taken hold of my heart ever since 🫶

Hiiro fawning over Aira's beautiful name 🥺🥺🥺

Hiiro here was really like yeah you're my soulmate, my soulmate bestie (no but seriously do you ever think about how hiiro became so attached to aira so quickly and wanted to become his friend so bad, and how he also saw their meeting as fate....)

He is so dramatic, he didn't even get directly rejected here

This is a personal favorite. I can't stress how mentally ill I was when I read Hiiro saying "I'll do my best to destroy the future where you'll feel sad" DO YOU HEAR YOURSELF???? this should be added to the "is this Russian literature or enstars" online quiz

If you are observant enough you'll see that Hiiro is the one shamelessly flirting all the time AHDJF but Aira himself (mostly in later chapters) also says some questionable stuff about Hiiro in some parts that makes you go... Huh (Aira saying to Hiiro "Aira-kun's route is no longer available for you!" Aira why are you equating yourself and Hiiro as the protagonist and romantic interest of a dating sim game? Do you have anything to share with the class?)

But yeah... them (vaguely gestures with hand). They give a very strong first impression to say the least, so it's not hard to imagine how I came to ship them as quickly and as strongly as I did ahdjf

2. What are your favorite things about the ship?: God, there's so many things I like about hiiai I don't think I can ever list them or rank them, but I'll try ahdjf

For starters, I just really like their dynamic (very basic answer, I know). A thing I really love about their dynamic is how Hiiro is so openly affectionate with Aira, and I think it's cute how Aira is so tsun about his care and affection for hiro-kun, but he just can't leave him alone and thinks of him so often (he mentions him all the time in the game's home lines wwww).

Another thing I love is the way their relationship develops throughout the !! main story. How Aira stuck to him and to Alkaloid due to obligation (in order to survive as an idol in ES) but actually became attached to Hiiro and formed the unique dynamic with him where Aira feels like he can't leave Hiiro alone to prevent him from getting into trouble (and while there is truth to that, there's also the fact that just genuinely Aira loves Hiiro because the first friend he's had in a long time, and a very loyal and loving one at that). In Hiiro's case, he also got attached to Aira very quickly since he was also his very first friend on the city 🥺

In general, I love that hiiai are each other's first friends in ES when they were completely alone, and that by finding each other they found the solution to their chronic loneliness (because Aira and Hiiro both suffer a lot from severe loneliness ever since their childhoods. Aira has never been able to keep lasting friendships and Hiiro's only company in his hometown was Rinne. So them finding each other and hitting it off so quickly and easily means a lot for the both of them, and they both try their best to make the friendship work because they want to keep it and make it last, yk?)

Another facet of hiiai that I like... how Aira always teaches Hiiro new things and helps him understand the world around him. I like to think about how Aira is, literally and metaphorically, the reason Hiiro loves the city, and how that is what leads him to stay there instead of going back to his hometown with his brother (and I just sit here and wonder if the rinniki parallels were intentional from Akira's part?)

I mean literally because Aira is the one who taught Hiiro what idols are, and that was what made Hiiro realize that yes, this is something he likes and a thing he wants to do with his life. And metaphorically, because I believe that for Hiiro, Aira is a representation of the city. Aira is a city boy, he has an upbringing and worldview completely different from his. Aira grew up in a world that is completely unknown and new to Hiiro, a world in which Hiiro didn't plan on staying for long in the first place, a world that Hiiro didn't plan on getting attached to, but that he still came to like at the end — so Hiiro, by loving and accepting Aira, is metaphorically loving and embracing the city and coming to understand it*. And we know that Hiiro deciding to stay in the city and becoming an idol for real is one of the most important parts of his arc of independence and self discovery, so this gives Hiiro's relationship with Aira another layer of depth that makes their bond more important and essential for each of their characters and arcs.

*I almost forgot to clarify why I think that Hiiro coming to like the city is such a big deal (and note, this is a personal interpretation). Basically, because Hiiro was so dead set on bringing his brother back to their hometown so he could become the monarch, he was still close minded about the outside world and stuck with the old arbitrary rules taught by his hometown. But just as Rinne predicted and hoped, Hiiro ended up being marveled by the city and all the things it offers and so many things he's never seen before (and you can extrapolate that marvel he feels for the city as the marvel and interest he feels for Aira when they first meet). So just as Rinne left his hometown in favor of the city—which was a thing Hiiro didn't understand before because he didn't know what even made the city so good in the first place to make his brother want to leave—Hiiro ended up liking the city as well and choosing to stay there instead of going back home, therefore chosing his own path like Rinne.

But then again, this is just my personal interpretation of the text ahdjf

3. Is there an unpopular opinion you have on your ship?: I probably do, but I can't really think of one at the moment ahdjfj I guess one unpopular opinion is that I think that Aira isn't as stereotypically tsundere as people tend to depict him as in fanworks.

Don't get me wrong, Aira def is very tsun (and he is deliberately written as a stereotypical tsundere sometimes for the comedy bits and/or to make his feelings about others obvious. It might seem paradoxical, but the more tsun the acts—the biggest reaction he gets out of one of Hiiro's actions, for example—the more obvious his true feelings come across), but I also think it is often overlooked his character development in the !! MS where he grows to become more honest about his feelings and doesn't reject Hiiro's displays of affection as much and is even openly happy about them (like when he was happy that Hiiro held his hand and said it made him feel reassured). But this characterization isn't the most consistent throughout stories (and that is a thing that bothers me a little but talking about enstars' lore inconsistency is a story for another day ahdjf), so this is something very personal 😅

And that's all... thank goodness it was only 3 questions AHDJF I was hoping I'd write a short post, but it seems I *did* end up rambling about hiiai after all 😔🤙 what bring prompted to talk about the otp does to a person.

[tellthemeerkatsitsfine]

I was listening to some real people comedians (as in, local comedians whom I have met in real life, and can therefore not be considered to have in any way “made it” in comedy, because if they had then they would not be hanging out around me) talk the other day, and they were discussing the concept of “laughs per minute”, and whether it’s a bullshit way to judge comedy. Which I think it usually is, depending on the context. In a really short club set, it probably does matter a lot because you don’t have time to do more than that. In a Stewart Lee Edinburgh hour, he can go 35 minutes setting something up and everyone will just trust that the punchline at the end will be worth it.

Anyway, it got me thinking about the concept, and how I judge comedy in lots of different ways, and what has made me laugh the most – both in terms of most laughs per minute and hardest laughs overall – is not exactly the same as my favourite comedy shows ever. But anything that manages any kind of notable laughs per minute rating is impressive, because lots of shows I really like never clear that bar. If we define a “laugh” as something outwardly expressed and audible, more than just a smile and a nose exhale, then it doesn’t actually happen all that often. I’ll consider a show very successful if it gets me to do that just a few times across an hour.

So I’ve tried to think of what comedy shows have successfully gotten more than that, have made me properly laugh out loud really consistently for their entire runtime (whether that’s an hour or 15 minutes, though obviously it’s more impressive if they can sustain it for longer). If I’m thinking about this across my whole life, I have to take into account the fact that everything’s funnier when you’re a kid, you haven’t already seen every obvious joke so nothing is hack or overdone. I remember the shows I was into as a kid (ages 7 to 14 or so, I think) as the funniest things in the entire world, I used to watch every episode over and over and over. The main ones on rotation being Flying Circus, Blackadder, Fawlty Towers, Mr. Bean, Ripping Yarns, Yes Minister, M*A*S*H, and Cheers.

Now, at 33, I can understand why it’s annoying to have the parrot sketch memorized – because it’s been quoted so often than at this point repeating it is almost like, for example, trying to sell someone something that's long dead and nailed to a perch. At nine, I could recite every word in it, over and over for hours, and it never stopped being funny. As an adult, I’m still pretty sure Blackadder was a work of genius, but I don’t think I’ll ever again find anything as funny as I found Hugh Laurie’s acting power stance when I was eleven years old. I used to wake up at 5:30 AM to watch a few episodes of whatever show I was re-watching at the moment (my list of shows on rotation was heavily determined by what was in my parents’ DVD boxset collection), until I could mouth along to all the lines but they never got less funny.

I did re-watch every episode of all those British shows in 2020 (so everything but M*A*S*H and Cheers, though I’ve rewatched a few episodes of both those recently as well) to see how they held up, and while they didn’t make me cry with laughter the way I did as a kid, I still thought almost all of them were very good. And by “almost all of them”, I mean… look, I think Mr. Bean is just meant to be a kids’ show. I loved it when I first watched it, because that shit’s hilarious when you’re a kid. As an adult, it looked like a kid’s show with a few genuinely funny moments. The turkey on the head is still funny. Playing with the toy Daleks in the Christmas store is still funny. My family still watches the Christmas special every year on that holiday. The rest of it we can probably leave behind.

Anyway, the point is that you can’t count that because I was a kid. Then I think of my favourite comedy shows that I got into as a teenager. Major ones to come to mind are The Thick of It, 30 Rock, Parks and Rec, Community, Arrested Development, Flight of the Conchords, Freaks and Geeks. My favourite comedy shows of my twenties: Bojack Horseman, Veep, Archer, Brooklyn Nine Nine, The Good Place, Crazy Ex-Girlfriend, Portlandia, Broad City, Party Down, Bob’s Burgers. I supposed I should add a mention of my mixed and up-and-down longterm relationship with South Park.

I remember a lot of things I’ve loved about those shows besides pure laughs per minute – the characters, the ideas, the atmosphere. I’d go back to certain shows over and over just because I liked the way it made me feel to spend time in the world they created. But for pure, really hard, out-loud laughs? Looking at that list, I think the ones to get the most of those out of me were The Thick of It, Veep, 30 Rock, Arrested Development, and maybe when they were at their best, Portlandia, Archer, and Community could do it. But not all the time. There isn’t really that long a list of comedies that have consistently made me laugh really hard once I wasn’t a kid anymore.

Anyway, that isn’t actually what I was thinking about that made me decide to write this post. The conversation I heard from local comedians, about laughs per minute, made me think of what has done that to me in my thirties, the few years since COVID occurred and I decided to not do anything except British comedy. I have seen and heard and read so much comedy in the last few years, and I have really really loved quite a lot of it. So I was surprised when I realized that I think, if you judge it entirely by out-loud laughs per minute, there aren’t a huge number that come to mind as consistently providing a high rate of those.

In terms of full-length stand-up hours, I think there might still be no one who’s gotten more proper laughs per minute out of me than Rhod Gilbert. All four of his DVD shows are incredible – I think I’d say the first one (The Award Winning Mince Pie) is my favourite, though I might just have a soft spot for the first one I saw, when I first had my eyes opened to that captivating style.

I hesitate a little to comment on his health from the perspective of how much I love his comedy specials, because I don’t want to make something as serious as a person’s life or death about whether I’ll get to hear more comedy specials (I feel the same way about Mark Steel’s current situation – I did make a post a while ago in which I said he has to recover for the sake of Radio Four, but obviously, he has to recover for the sake of himself and his family, even his annoying son, I wish them all the best and it’s not about the comedy fans). But for everyone’s sake, mainly his, God am I ever glad he’s back and by all accounts okay. He’s said he was diagnosed with cancer the day after he recorded his latest special, and you can really tell in that video that he was being slowed down and struggled to match his usual frantic energy levels, but it was still brilliant.

Anyway, I think Rhod Gilbert still wins at laughs per minute from me in stand-up. Proper laughter. Laughing so hard I can’t breathe and have to pause the video so I don’t miss the next bit and end up with tears in my eyes and my throat and stomach hurt. I think Rhod Gilbert has done that to me the most. I’ve tried to think of whose stand-up material might do that to me the second most, and I’m slightly annoyed that I think the main two names that come to mind are Sam Campbell and Nish Kumar. Slightly annoyed because when I look at those two names alongside Rhod Gilbert… okay, is it possible that I might just like being shouted at?

I’m now trying to think of a non-shouty comic who’s done that to me. Kitson, obviously. I think my favourite stand-up hour ever is Daniel Kitson’s Where Once Was Wonder, which is fucking incredible for its ability to get every single aspect right. Brilliant on an emotional level, hitting multiple themes and topics that all have deep emotional resonance and saying original and significant things about them. Brilliant on an intellectual level – every time I listen to it I marvel at the number of layers in its structure, how its conceit of being full of contradictions is embedded in almost every line, how I catch more each time and he points lots of them out but throws even more away. And crucially, brilliant on a humour level. It is consistently, all the way through, hilarious. He probably never goes ten minutes without at least one bit that makes my whole body seize up from laughter until I can’t breathe right.

But honestly, most of the Kitson things that have gotten the highest laugh per minute out of me were not the intricately written shows. I wince at how much he would hate this, but probably, at laughs per minute from me, some of his 2007-2008 Graveyard Triple R radio shows beat some of his best proper stand-up shows. Same with some of his WIP/pre-WIP just messing around shows. There’s some audio footage of a 2007 Late ‘n’ Live night where Daniel Kitson and Andy Zaltzman do an incredibly stupid sketch that has put tears of laughter in my eyes. If you want to know what level of humour we're talking about, that sketch contains the line "That was three ladies booing my dick because it chose the wrong member of We Are Klang to fuck" (which it did, by the way, by which I mean Andy Zaltzman chose wrong while portraying the role of Daniel Kitson's penis, but not for the reasons that this Greg Davies-fancying website would expect, if you'd heard the Triple R shows with Steve Hall you'd understand. He then went on to choose the wrong member of Pappy's Fun Club, what does Andy Zaltzman know about the most attractive members of the most successful British fringe comedy sketch groups of 2007?). It's definitely not better than properly written Kitson shows, or Zaltzman shows, for that matter. But it might have made me laugh out loud more times.

I think It’s the Fireworks Talking is one of the best pieces of performance ever written, but recordings I’ve heard of that have probably made me laugh fewer times than a recording I’ve heard from the Melbourne Festival of when he finished performing It’s the Fireworks Talking and then went into a radio studio to talk shit with David and Claudia O’Doherty all night. Or than the Zaltzman/Kitson penis sketch, put together with everything else from that Late 'n' Live recording.

I know I’m not saying anything new here; I’m hardly the first person to point out that Daniel Kitson is absolutely fucking hilarious when he’s messing around with no script. Lots of people have pointed it out before me, and he has clearly heard those people point it out, as he’s often mentioned that it annoys him, and understandably so. What’s the point of working so hard on proper shows if people just like your unplanned stuff better?

But I don’t think I actually like that stuff better. I don’t think his radio shows are better than It’s the Fireworks Talking (I sort of don’t think penicillin is better than It’s the Fireworks Talking). And this is where I come back to the fact that laughs per minute are not the best way to judge a show (I’d like to clarify at this point that It’s the Fireworks Talking did have quite a high laughs per minute rate out of me, just not as high as Kitson and some O’Doherties getting weirdly competitive about indie music at 3 AM).

Anyway. I think Sam Campbell recently became the first person to make me laugh so hard that I had tears in my eyes, from hearing something that was performed in 2023. He did that with some of his recent stand-up. On Taskmaster he has, more than once, made me laugh loud enough to cause a cat to run across the room (I’m currently catsitting and one of the cats gets easily spooked by sudden noise, so whether I make her jump is a good gauge of whether something’s made me laugh out loud). But only his stand-up has actually made me cry.

I’ve been lucky enough to get to hear quite a bit of recent stand-up in the last couple of months. I’ve really liked a lot of it, but I’m now trying to think of how much of it has actually made me consistently laugh out loud, which is several steps beyond just being funny. I think the only people who’ve done that are Sam Campbell, Olga Koch, Nish Kumar, Greg Larsen, Sarah Keyworth, and Fern Brady. Which actually isn’t that short a list, but it’s a shorter list than the list of comedians I’ve enjoyed at all in the last couple of months.

Anyway, I didn’t start writing this post because of stand-up. I started writing this post because of a conversation I heard some comedians have the other day, but I started thinking of that conversation, and decided I wanted to write a post about that conversation, because I was re-watching some No More Jockeys today. And fucking hell, I have to say, this is supporting the theory that laughs per minute can come so much from unscripted shows that it could justifiably make comedians despair as they wonder what the point is of honing their craft. I’ve listened to a bunch of Tim Key’s properly written stuff in the last few days (went on a bit of a binge of his radio show and some of his old stand-up), absolutely loved it, it’s intelligent and funny and very well written stuff, but it still didn’t make me laugh out loud quite as hard as No More Jockeys does. Almost nothing makes me laugh out loud quite as hard as No More Jockeys does.

I tried to think of some non-stand-up thing that makes me laugh as hard/loud/often as No More Jockeys. The Bugle has managed it, at its best. I've only heard a few episodes of Pappy's Fun Club, but that's done it at times. Catsdown at its best has accomplished it.

The main thing I can think of that's done it really consistently is Taskmaster, but even that probably loses to NMJ at laughs per minute. It’s up there, though. Beats a lot of scripted sitcoms at it, including some really good scripted sitcoms. So from Taskmaster and No More Jockeys, you get the laughs, and the fun of getting emotionally invested in following a competitive game. Why are people still bothering to craft well written sitcom worlds?

This post has been massively disjointed, I think I've hit about six different topics since I've started, somehow including who's the most attractive member of Pappy's Fun Club. I finally have a weekend to myself and have decided I feel like writing things again, and it's started with this. I don't think there was any point to it. All I was really trying to say is I can't believe how fucking funny No More Jockeys is.

Mark Watson desperately, pleadingly trying to argue with Alex Horne about whether Donald Duck has been to prison – I'm sorry but I don't think Rowan Atkinson has done anything funnier than that in his entire life. He's done lots of things that are better than that. But not that can make me laugh harder than that while I'm over the age of 30.

[ser-zoras]

Making this one (1) post so I don’t piss people off. So here’s me writing ASOIAF characters into a bunch of Really Stupid Movies that I like because it’s fun. MONTY PYTHON AND THE HOLY GRAIL - Oddly this one is tricky. I think the narrative itself probably best fits Dunk and Egg, but I haven’t gotten to read that yet. So obviously Arthur is Robert Baratheon. Barristan Selmy is Lancelot, and I think Bedivere should be Jon Arryn for no real reason other than that it’s funny. Jaime is Galahad because in a theoretical sense they’re both formidable but in a more practical sense, very useless. I don’t know any other edits I would need to make according to this but replacing the rabbit with like. The Hound’s horse. That would be fantastic. And the Black Knight is the Smiling Knight, just because.

BLADES OF GLORY - ok credit to @jackedup180 on this one and also as inspiration for the whole post. So Sansa and Dany get kicked out of international figure skating singles due to getting into a fistfight on the podium and are forced to team up in the doubles division to skate again. This means challenging the throne of the reigning international champs, Cersei and Jaime, who are not fucking but have just as much creepy sexual tension. I’m not kidding this is the actual plot of the movie. Instead of Jenna Fischer’s character, I want Tyrion to be an accountant with zero sexual tension with either of the girls and who Jaime keeps convincing to spy on other teams. TALLEDEGA NIGHTS - Ultimate Jaimecore. So Jaime is a NASCAR driver who gets dragged into a competition with a younger, gayer driver (Loras) and ends up getting horribly injured and can no longer drive. For some godforsaken reason he was still living with Cersei and her kids and she kicks him and all the kids except Joffrey out of the house and hooks up with either one of the Kettleblack brothers or Taena. Jaime and co have to move in with Genna, who sets about whipping the kids into shape, and Jaime has to learn to drive again, from like Arthur Dayne or somebody. He eventually befriends Loras but decides to race him again anyway.

ANCHORMAN - I’m sure people think I’m lying when I say this, but this is just if JB were local news co-anchors in the 70s. There’s even a scene where they end up in a pit with a bear!

BAD MOMS - Yet another difficult one. Our charming, recently divorced heroine could be Cat if we’re doing exclusively the main series but I think drawing from all eras of Westeros is funnier, so it’s Rhaenyra, with Rhaena and Daella as her backup, taking on Alicent, the head of the local PTA, who is allied with Cersei and Alysanne.

ONE CRAZY SUMMER - Okay I am just saying that Jon and his Nights Watch boys take on the roles of Hoops and company. Sam is the character with the father who teaches children how to set off grenades. Grenn and Pyp are the twins, and Tormund is the kid whose place they’re staying at. Val or Ygritte is Demi Moore’s character. The real estate company they’re fighting is just the fucking Others.