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#I owe you so many other things
owedfavors · 1 year
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⤷ ✧ @cptnpike said, ❝ I know you’re ignoring me, but I’m going to keep talking anyways. ❞
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tricorder scans have yet to offer her anything remotely resembling the answers she seeks. still, she pours over them as she keeps one doubtful eye on the fire that crackles, threatening at any moment to leap from its makeshift cage and consume the jungle-like forest that surrounds them. it is not a problem una is eager to add to her current list.
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❛ if by ignoring ❜ — she speaks absentmindedly, her attention upon her present work for all she remains aware of his words — ❛ you mean that I am choosing not to engage with this conversation, then, yes, I suppose I am. I fail to see what relevancy the equus genus has in our present circumstances, as not only are we far from earth, but also on a planet that previous surveys indicate is lacking in mammalian life entirely. ❜
and, therefore, lacking anything even remotely resembling a horse. it is a fact for which she will consider herself thoroughly grateful.
❛ however, as it is keeping you occupied, ❜ — and therefore not wandering off — ❛ please, continue. ❜ she might ignore him, might file the words to the back of her mind, letting her readings take precedence, but she does listen.
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winteriron-trash · 2 months
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rdj the (whitewashed) electric boogaloo
This is a reminder to everyone who's excited about RDJ's casting as Doctor Doom that this casting is whitewashing. Victor Von Doom is a Romani character and has been a Romani character since his introduction in the 1960s. (Fantastic Four Annual #2 [1964]) Not only that, but his Roma identity and the persecution he and his family faced due to it is integral to his character, it is what forms his identity. (Books of Doom by Ed Brubaker) Even if on the off chance this casting is meant to not be Victor but instead be some variant of Tony or whomever else becoming Doctor Doom, it is damaging to the character to rob him of that important cultural background. Doctor Doom does not exist without that history. Fans have been pushing hard to cast Doom as a Romani actor for years, especially since the MCU has whitewashed other Romani characters. (Wanda, Pietro, etc) This casting is not a celebration moment, it's fucking heartbreaking that the MCU repeatedly ignores the important and nuanced cultural backstories of characters.
I know I can't change anybody's mind on whether or not you want to be excited about RDJ's return to the MCU. But I do think at the very least you should be mad that the MCU is baiting us all and destroying nuanced and interesting characters for the sake of self-referential easter eggs and nostalgia bait. Because that's what it is. Feel how you'd like to feel about RDJ's return, but personally, this is soul-sucking. I had such a deep love for the MCU as a teenager, it was obviously something incredibly formative to me, especially Tony Stark. This isn't recreating what I fell in love with the MCU for. This is turning a well-planned and artistic storyline of adaptations into cheap cash grabs and fan service. Because, I think we're past the point of being able to call the MCU an adaptation of anything. They can use existing characters' names and powers, but to say they're being properly adapted is laughable.
This is not an adaptation of Doctor Doom. This is RDJ the Electric Boogaloo because Marvel's fear of losing the interest of dedicated MCU fans overrides their willingness to tell stories that are genuine to the characters. I don't know what there is to be excited about that. The MCU has lost its authenticity and aside from a few projects, feels heartless. Every movie is a copy of a copy. This announcement isn't something celebratory, it feels like a death knell of a cinematic universe that's so desperate to cling to relevancy it's resorting to nostalgia for a character/actor who hasn't even been dead for a decade. We're not getting anything new, we're just rinsing and repeating the same song and dance.
I get it. I love Tony Stark, his death destroyed me and I to this day, rue the ending he got in Endgame. It misunderstood his arc and it robbed him of a satisfying conclusion. But the solution to that isn't dragging the corpse out of the grave five years later to whitewash an existing character with rich and interesting nuance, just to forcibly tie his existence in the MCU to Tony. Whether he is a variant or not. Why would you want someone else's fave's legacy to be destroyed simply so your fave's legacy can go on? Hell, if we were really all so hellbent on the return of RDJ and/or Tony to the MCU, we have the multiverse for a reason. There were other ways to do it that didn't whitewash and ruin someone else. This just. Isn't something to be happy about.
#... we will not be addressing that i'm a dead blog#no one say a WORD about my inactivity for 4 years this isn't about that /lh#also if anyone tries to get smart about “romani isn't a race” i don't care and you can shut up.#it's an ethnic and cultural identity. and it should be portrayed correctly.#ESPECIALLY for a character like *victor von doom* of all people. like it is fundamental to him.#i would've included panels of the comics mentioned but most of them use the g-slur and i don't wish to encourage that here#like listen i don't think you need to be a comics fan to be an mcu fan. they're so divorced from each other atp#nor do i think the mcu owes complete comic accuracy. but i do think you should at *least* care when characters are whitewashed.#look. i really don't want this to be a debate on if rdj's return is good or not#i've been frankly baffled at how many old mutuals are excited but. whatever if you want him back i get it.#but it shouldn't be like this. not at the expense of a different character.#this whole thing made me realize i'm *far* more jaded and turned off to the mcu than most of you guys are.#which is fair you can still be an mcu fan. if it brings you joy i'm so happy for you#but how does this like. bring joy i don't get it.#this is soulless. it's uninspired. it's done purely for shock value.#i occasionally get asks to this blog about why i left and asking me to come back#and i get it. i *want* to come back.#but i don't *care* about the mcu anymore. this is not the franchise i fell in love with.#i don't recognize what once meant everything to me.#winteriron will always hold a special place in my heart (as will tony stark)#but like. i just don't have love for it. and it sucks that this bullshit from marvel actively kills the love i had.#this sours tony stark to me. i'm sorry but it does. because was it really worth this? is this what his legacy has become?#this does cheapen his legacy btw. like without question. it turns him into a cheap cameo reference. heart of the mcu my ass.#my fandom circles have *massively* changed#i'm now entirely surrounded by comics fans bc my primary fandom is dc comics. that's what i'm up to these days#and the difference was actually baffling to me. everyone i follow now is *pissed* about this. comics twitter is so mad.#and then i see ppl on here excited and i'm just genuinely surprised this is something you want. i don't get it.#i don't say that to be rude. i just don't get it. how is *this* actually something people *want*.#do i still care about marvel? eh.#i like winter soldier comics and i could give a comprehensive rec list. and i read some other characters i deeply enjoy.
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eff-plays · 1 year
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Actually, no, I disagree. Astarion has his reasons for many things he thinks and disapproves of, but some of them are just ... He doesn't like it when people are nice. He actively likes cruelty. Those are both true.
And yeah, you get why. He's well-written and his motivations are understandable! You can have a lot of very long and sad meta posts about how he thinks cruelty is natural and kindness is fake, but that doesn't remove his joy at cruelty and his distaste for kindness. Those things are still true. He can get better, yes. He does get better if you encourage him to. But he starts out as an absolute jackass.
Stop woobifying him fr. He's a piece of shit, even if he's a well-written one. Just because you understand him doesn't mean he's right or somehow the only sane person in the group. Cruelty is not intelligence, kindness is not a weakness. xoxo <3
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reel-fear · 6 months
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MIKE BLOCKED ME ON TWITTER FOR ROASTING HIS DUMBASS RESPONSE TO THE GRAPHIC NOVEL STUFF!!
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grown ass man scared of the 19-year-old queer being mean to him over his public meltdown more at 8.
#ramblez#little white boy sad? U sad bc nobody likes you? Bc u constantly make a fool of urself and show off ur distaste for ur fans? lmao#this is one of the greatest things to ever happen to me imagine how mad he'll be when he finds out the fangame Im making has queers in it#hes gonna have a whole other white boy meltdown on main KJSNFDGKJHFGKJHGKJHSDFGSD#hes so fucking sensitive maybe just get off of social media Mike this never ends well for you#batim#batdr#bendy and the ink machine#bendy and the dark revival#and look Im joking around about this but it really is sad that the bendy devs cant handle this kind of critique towards their decisions#it seems despite the backlash once again they are choosing to ignore their fans which is yknow upsetting#But hey ig if the devs being awful was a dealbreaker for this fandom I wouldve left a long time ago and I havent#dw Im not going anywhere <3#also if anyone else here was also criticizing Mike maybe check his acct to make sure ur not blocked now since apparently#old habits die hard and this is certainly a pattern with him KJHDSFKGJHSDKFGJHDFGSD#also look before anyone asks yes I was kinda mean to him over this but to put bluntly if hes gonna be this dismissive to his fans concerns#he deserves it. Theres this persistent attitude esp in bendy fanspaces of being defensive of the devs#and I dont know why they have been extremely horrible people every single chance they get#and its very hurtful to see how many people would rather tell me to be kinder to the people who broke the heart of a child me when they#dismissed any ideas of putting queers like me in their stories than to realize Mike n Meatly bring this bad attention to themselves#to put bluntly I dont owe them kindness not until they at least apologize for the shit they did which they still havent#mike hasnt even addressed his vent poem in the code of BATDR let alone the other shit he said n did#so no I will not be kind to him ever hope this helps!
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mila-carat · 3 months
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I was watching this Chinese variety show just to see Ricky and Zhang Hao but then I saw one of the hosts was Zhang Zhenyuan and now I want to cry… 😭💔
#He... Teens In Times deserve better you know?#I keep trying to accept that this is how China is and C-Pop doesn't need to do anything that K-Pop and J-Pop do but#The more I think about it the more unfair it seems... 😢#These Chinese idols train so much and when they debut they just don't get promoted#They don't releaze anything on YT and they just go to variety shows alone and this is it?#That's unfair! This is not why they trained for!#No wonder there are so many Chinese idols in K-Pop it's like “if you want to debut you have to learn Korean and live in SK”#Which is fine if they like SK but what if they don't want to leave China/Taiwan/Hong Kong?? 😭#Guys there's Chinese idols even in J-Pop nowadays!! They really said “I'd rather debut anywhere but China”!!#Again... not saying these idols don't like Japan. Just that they CAN'T CHOOSE whether they want to debut abroad or in their own country!#Even if C-Pop tries to do a little bit like K or J-Pop (ex.: BOY STORY BOYHOOD WayV and the now dead EXO-M)#Their companies DON'T PROMOTE THEM!!! They literally don't invest any money to promote their groups!!!#I'm still not over Asia Super Young and Loong9 in case you didn't notice... 🥺#But... Yeah... I just wish Teens In Times got more rep and that I could just turn my TV on and watch them TOGETHER#And that they had MVs and on YT and etc. (Basically everything I've seen J/K-Pop idols do)#But maybe that's just the K/J-Popper in me and I have to accept that China is China and they owe us nothing#Just because we're interested in East Asian culture doesn't mean they have to all do one thing like the others just to please us!#I will still (try to) stan TNT as much as I can (and as much as they allow me since I speak no Chinese)#Specially ChengXin 🥺 my darling#not kpop or jpop
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cherry-bomb-ships · 5 months
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Was talking with my gf last night about PPG ship stuff and realized I've made my self insert a programmer and coder... in a series that takes place within the turn of the century... bro Y2K gonna fucking kill her 😭😭😭
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runningatypufullspeed · 6 months
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WOULD YOU GUYS LIKE TO SEE MY FUGLY UGLY ASS ALLEGORY OF THE CAVE X FAHRENHEIT 451 CROSSOVER DRAWING THAT I WAS FORCED TO DO FOR SCHOOL….. ITS SO UGLY AND MONTAG IS
WHITE.
AND THE HOUNDS ARE DISGUSTING THE COLORING IS SO SHITTY AND MILDRED …. Well ok she looks alright kindof but the COLORING ….. SKETCH WAS BETTER but do you guys. Do you still want to see it…….,,,,,,
ALSO NO OFFENSE TO WHITE PEOPLE PLEASE I LOVE YOU GUYS 🫶😁👍 within reason
#like ok maybe it isn’t. THAT bad#NO NO I TAKE THAT BACK I JUST LOOKED AT IT RIGHT NOW AND THE COMPOSITION IS ALL FUCKING VOER THE PLACE#IT. IT IS. THAT BAD#IF YOU GUYS SAY YESS YOULL SEE#ok but nasty bad art aside I know some of you will be asking why white Montag is such a bad thing and#there isn’t anything wrong with it!!! it’s just that for me personally#after I did a bit more thinking I was. physically incapable of perceiving Montag as anything other than POC/nonwhite#so when I look back at my old f451 art and stare into the eyes of a pale skittish twink it just#it doesn’t click. like that isn’t MY Montag if ykwim#now trembling BROWN skittish twink. that’s a different story#AGAIN I DONT have any issues with ppl making their own versions white I just think that . for me specifically. he looked a bit funny#a little off. a bit too crackerish for my liking#where is bros melanin 😭#I’m complaining right now but if I wanted to I could just… go in and try and make the skin tone darker#I might do that depending on how tired I feel after doomscrolling#also if it matters even though I have read the book over at least 8 times now not once have I touched either of the movies.#and it will STAY THAT WAY. until I completely log my notes for the book#then I can move on to the movies 🥰#but I will admit 2018 did sort of lead me to having a change of heart w my design. just a little. just a teensy bit. kinda. sort of?#actually not really now that I think about it#I have my own reasons.#TOO MANY WHITE PEOPLE MY EYES THEY BURN AAAYHHHHH MY EYES OW OW OW OWIEEEE#my Beatty design was so white that my eyes developed stage 4 cataracts#I needed a palate cleanser that WASNT Millie… oh god my Millie design…#she was white there too. terrible#it’s okay… 💔 I’ve since learned and moved on#ARGH GUYS I DONT HATE WHITE PEOPLE I JUST THINK THAT MORE SKIN COLOR VARIATIONS WOULD E NICE
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ultravioart · 1 year
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Hot take, but i see Zenyatta's and Ramattra's dynamic like Ahsoka's and Anakin's dynamic. Looking at their story, their interactions, the lore behind Null Sector and the lore with Zenyatta. Both are warrior monks, one takes the other under his wing, but the duo eventually finds the dogmatic approach of the temple restrictive and unhelpful for truly maintaining peace. One finds their own path to resolving conflict, individual and distinctly separate from the temple (Zenyatta, Ahsoka), the other proposes authoritarian control to maintain peace and order, rejecting the temple, and hurting those they wish to protect (Anakin, Ramattra). Ramattra is fighting due to fear and anger, scared of loosing those dear to him (Anakin vibes). Zenyatta is fighting due to a desire to help peoples find peace, and to find his purpose (Ahsoka vibes). With that said, I could be completely wrong, but Ram and Zen really do seem something like Ahsoka and Anakin's dynamic to me, like found family siblings, brother and sister, mentor and mentee, eventually breaking away from each other in a tragic loss, and that's why I cannot for the life of me ship Ram and Zen under that interpretation lol. They are brothers, both in the monastic and found family sense.
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... how am I meant to get any sort of restful sleep when it's like 85F indoors in my bedroom at NIGHT .. hhhhhhhhhhhhhh
#why the next poll adventure and everything else has taken so long lol.. I straight up have just not done anything#the past few days... staring down my todo list and sweating hopelessly#AT LEAST it;s relatively low humidity. the highest it's been up to is maybe 65%. but is usually around 50 or 40ish#There is one small window air conditioner in a roomate's room that can KIND OF be shared by nailing a sheet up to block off the hallway#with the rooms in it so the cool air goes into the other bedrooms but doesnt flow out into the kitchen or etc but#wjhen it's the time of day that the sun is directly hitting the window & it's like 102F outside even that doesnt help much. to cool 3 rooms#and I always feel like we're going to explode the air conditioner or something running it too much with direct heat on it. sometimes it#smells like hot plastic or whatever ghj.. so it's mostly just.. block off all windows with 5 layers of blankets and cardboard#starting at 10am (meaning.. no indoor light for days basically.. no natural lighting.. time passes weird. hard to determine time of day).#throw water on the bed every night so you sleep in wet sheets and keep your clothes and hair wet at all times. ice. cold drinks. keep a#little fan running pointed directly at you nearly 24/7 even when sleeping with a fan blowing air on you makes your eyes and throat painfull#dry. etc. etc.. and i KNOW people have it worse in plenty of places blah blah. i am just complaining on my little blog that is about me lol#I think the biggest thing about lack of adequate/central air conditioning for me is just the LACK of productivity!!! I am working on games!#and novels!! and so many other crafts. costumes! sculptures!!! things I want to do!!! we all have a limited amount of time on this planet a#nd I have so many goals!! To lose basically 4-5 days straight or producivity - when if I had been able to temperature#control my environment better I could have easily gotten more done because I wouldn't be laying around nuseous and too hot#and sick to do anything all day etc. -- is like.... GRRRRRR... it just feels so senseless.. i could have USEd that time...#Every CEO who has contributed to global warming owes me 1million doallrs to fund my art projects and make up for all the time#I've lost on them due to their stupid bullshit.. also they should be stoned to death in a public square. but redistribute the money FIRST#to everyone on the planet. but especially people who have been affected by floods. fires. etc. etc.#poor people who have limited choice in housing and access to air conditioning. homeless people in cooling centers. people with disabillitie#and health issues that are worse in the heat so the entire future just seems increasingly terrifying for them. etc. etc.#ANYWAY.... eughhhgh.... It can cool down SLIGHTLY at night but the past few nights I have been sleeping in an 81 degree room and I wake up#and first thing in the morning its like 82 by then and I'm so nauseous and nasty feeling... just so so tired of it.. I NEED SNOW#literally not even joking.. snow would heal me. .. oughffff...#AND i got the new nasty stinky poo poo pee pee tumblr dashboard update lol.. e v i l
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atanx · 7 months
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any subnautica character headcanons? especially the side characters, they're my faves :]
Sorry anon im normally better at answering my asks :P but alas exams had two write two in a week :)) not fun but anyway! thank u sm for the ask <3
Hhh I have sooo many character hc i could write a novel anon alvnqjcoqofpqf (partly because i do have a wip all about the subnautica characters and the journey to 4546B + ensuing canon divergence but pssshhhh)
So I think I'm just gonna choose the characters I've thought the most about:
2ND OFFICER KEEN
I hc his name as Roman Keen - I saw it in the fic "Survivors" on Ao3 and honestly I think it's a really good fit :3
He's 28 and has been working for Alterra since he was 17, most of which has been with Captain Hollister, who has become somewhat of a parental figure for him. He joined because of a love for flying and space, which his family disapproved of, and so he doesn't get along great with them.
I hc him as genderfluid - on some days, he feels like a man, and on others, he feels like he had no gender at all. He hasn't got himself totally figured out and mostly uses he/him pronouns, being unsure about how he feels being adressed with other pronouns.
He's a gay disaster and crushes pretty easily and hiding that does not come easily to him, although he mostly manages. When he first sees Jochi Khasar, it's instant aesthetic attraction. He finds him fascinating, and Khasar seems to find him fascinating, too, since he starts flirting with him and they develop a relationship over the eighteen-ish month journey to 4546B.
He's ace, and although fine with talking about sex, isn't interested in having sex himself.
Even though he comes across as stiff, he's not actually all that stiff as a person. He is just very responsible and aware and is thus anxious to fulfil his responsibilities as 2nd Officer to the best of his abilities. For things unrelated to work, he is still responsible and mature but not a stick in the mud. He's a fan of adrenaline rushes and actually used to do illegal racing as a teen.
Keen works well under stress, but as soon as the stress abates enough, he will have a breakdown.
He has an annoying-sibling type relationship with CTO Yu >:33
CTO YU
I also liked the name "Emily Yu" from the same fic as before, and I hc that her Chinese name is "Yu Jian" with 'Jian' for strong, healthy.
She is 29, a year older than Keen, which she teases him with, and has been working on the Aurora for 4 years, since finishing her master in engineering with a focus on spacecraft engineering. She worked herself up the ladder by virtue of 1) having a master's degree 2) hard work and successful projects 3) spite (someone (rightfully) insulted one of her ideas once) and 4) a little bit of nepotism.
I hc her as a cis bi woman who uses she/her pronouns. She enjoys both more feminine and more masculine styles for herself, although her style is rather tame and doesn't become hyper-feminine or hyper-masculine. She doesn't like dresses.
She's into Berkely, with her first being sexually attracted to him and then also experiencing romantic attraction. She enjoys his sarcasm and teasing him.
Even though she likes to be silly she gets serious in serious situations. She has a tendency to think that her way is best and has worked over the years to curb that down and be more open to other people's thoughts. When she does truly firmly think that her way is better though, she will stick to that unless presented with a better option and will put everything into trying to make that work.
In very stressful situations she tends to... sort of zoom out, distancing herself from her emotions and achieving a strong focus to do what needs to be done. Afterwards, she struggles with feeling the impact of what was going on, sort of feeling like it happened to someone else. It's a mild sort of depersonalisation. She works well under stress in general but needs some time to recuperate and destress. If she doesn't, her body will respond to the stress via tense and pulled muscles, headaches, stress-rashes etc.
BERKELEY
I don't have a particular reason why but I hc his first name as 'Cedric'. Honestly not too sure on that, if I find one that clicks more for me I might pivot to using that but this is what I've got for now!
He's 27 and he is not a routine member of the Aurora staff. Instead, he is part of the extra engineers meant to oversee construction of the phasegate at 4546B and hadn't met anyone from the Aurora before. He has a Bachelor in engineering but found studying so unpleasant he decided he was not going to go for a master and instead started and apprenticeship into job on a spacestation relating to phasegate maintenance.
He is intersex, which wasn't noticeable until puberty when he started developing boobs. Because he identifies as a man (he uses he/xey pronouns), he decided to opt for puberty blockers and later hormone therapy. He would have been fine with his boobs but society made him feel really shitty about them and he got top surgery.
He works out very regularly because it makes him feel good and enjoys jewelry and make-up, although he hates bracelets that move because he hates the sensation of them moving and bumping along his forearms whenever he has to tinker with something. He is somewhat introverted, not caring all that much for social interaction, and indulges in sarcasm a lot. He doesn't like the feel of long hair so he always wears it in a buzzcut. He's also chubby and built like a (short) bear.
He actually doesn't cope with stress well at all and only made it through school and a Bachelor's degree by luck, a lot of caffeine and the knowledge that if he doesn't manage at least a Bachelor's, finding a decent-paying job he likes will be very hard in Alterra-space. He finds it preferable to listen to others although not uncritically.
At first Emily annoys him to no end but as he gets to know her better (and she also tones it down) the annoyance changes to fondness. They become good friends and he eventually falls in love with her. He is pan and demi-romantic.
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velvetineblue · 1 year
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screams this is the most accurate image of me & my subsequent activity on tumblr . com kjasnjkj
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shieldwife · 10 months
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also worth saying that this is driving me to writing thg fanfic bc I'm genuinely pissed off, but my favourite way of engaging with thg isn't even with canon characters at this point. it's through thinking about two ocs I've had for years that I mentally refer to as "toxic fishermen yuri", and I'm incapable of writing extensively abt anything related to thg that doesn't involve them lol
#toxic fishermen yuri is like:#what if we were childhood friends who grew up together in our working class neighbourhood and knew each other in a way no one else ever wil#but you were being indoctrinated into thinking that our evil fascist government and their child murder competition were actually cool#and that you should totally volunteer for them one day. and even though I unlike you am immune to propaganda I can't abandon you#I'll never abandon you. you're the only person who has ever truly known me and I'm the only person who has ever really known you#so even after you volunteer and I watch you become twisted into something I KNOW you're not and you come back as ghost of your former self#with blood on your hands and a dead look in your eyes I'm still here. I'll always be here. I promise.#even when I become more and more deeply involved in a plot against our government and you become more and more entertwined with it#and I watch you be used and abused by it even as you claim you owe everything to them. and so many ppl I know claim you're a collaborator#a capitol loyalist and a traitor I know you're not. I know you. you had good intentions and did what you thought was right#I know you're just scared. I know you just want to protect people and you're just trapped in a web of you're own making#and given the opportunity? I know you'd take a way out. I know you'd do the right thing. I dont care what you or anyone else thinks.#I'm still here. I can't abandon you even if I wanted to. and I know you won't abandon me#and also we were both girls#anyway. they make me unwell </3 I love toxic homoerotic friendships. I literally can't talk about them or I just. do what you see above#I go completely insane and I know literally no one else will care lol#op
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whereistheonepiece · 8 months
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More people should leave comments on the fics they like, particularly if the fics don't have many (or any) comments to begin with.
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pepprs · 1 year
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misery despair suffering etc etc
#purrs#delete later#two thoughts about separate things both causing the despair. thought / thing number 1 which i think ive talked abt on here many times before#but im saying it again: i am not good at being a friend in the ways my friends need me to be a friend. and in the ways friendship is thought#of societally i guess. i isolate myself constantly. i pull away from the opportunity to get closer with people i don’t know as well. i don’t#text back and then when im finally ready it’s been so egregiously long since it was appropriate for me to respond or reciprocate or#whatever it is i am so crushed by guilt and shame and embarrassment that i can’t bring myself to do it. i have so many unread messages and i#wont even let myself open them. and ive been like this for years. and i hurt someone very badly many years ago by being that way. and it was#more complicated than that but sometimes i remember it and how i acted and how i treated them. and i wonder sometimes if they check up on me#and i don’t want to be immature or weird or whatever for talking about it or wondering that openly. but if you do read this and you know who#you are: i am so sorry. i meant whst i said that i would never stop wishing you well and hoping the very best for you. and i hope you have#all of that and more. and im so sorry for not being brave enough to communicate with you or stick around. i really really am. and im sorry#to all the other people i have hurt by pulling away and shutting down and shrinking inside myself and not talking. ik it’s weird to post#that instead of just telling people directly but it’s the guilt. i am fully aware of how many people / groups of people i owe things to /#for but also just… miss. a lot. and want to talk to even though i won’t let myself. i don’t know why im like this and i don’t know how to#stop. but im sorry im not a good friend or even acquaintance or community member. and im talking to everyone now i guess including anyone#reading this bc god knows how many asks and messages i have on here. im sorry. i want to be a better friend. but i also never have spoons. a#and i also want to stay spoonless and cocooned on myself forever and never come out. and i hate that. i want to be a friend. i want to be#kind and giving and loving and generous in the ways you all have been with me. i want to hang out with people and send messages and be there#to lift people up and celebrate with them. but all i can muster is tapping like on social media and it’s horrific. i have gifts to make and#hello / checking in messages to reply to and roleplay starters to post and i just can’t do it right now and im scared i’ll never be able to#again. but it’s a self fulfilling prophecy. if i say i can’t do it then iwont. it’s not enougu to just be aware of it i have to act on it#and change it. but im exhausted and hurting right now and i have been for years and i need to heal first but what if this is healing.#idk. i rambled on that for much longer than i thought i would so nowim gonna say the second thing in a separate post. and it’ll be weird to#post about that in light of this and it’ll be weird to post this at all. but its been weighing on me so heavily today and i don’t want#anyone to think im ignoring them or not aware of being like this or whatever. and posting into the void is easier than telling individual#people to your faces even though i know it’s cowardly. im really truly sorry. i will try to get better once i have the strength to try.#actually yeah no not gonna say the second thing yet. it would be weird to say it now. this needs to sit a little first
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roobylavender · 10 months
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if i really scratch my head i think maybe the one thing all of this could stem from is mere discussion of the fact that talia and selina's histories with bruce sort of operate in the reverse and inevitably that factors into any contention with either relationship. like it can't really be helped that bruce and talia were married very early on into the latter's history and that this is integral to analyzing talia's entire dynamic with bruce, her evolving perception of her own place in the world, and her eventual decision to break free of bruce entirely. the constraints of a marriage with bruce as desired by her father are foundational lore to the early aughts of her character in a way that selina's settled domestic life with bruce is not. if we're talking about the golden age what was foundational to selina's dynamic with bruce was his ability to recognize above everyone else her consistent capacity for mercy despite her villainous goals on the surface. in post-crisis that was translated along the lines of a class struggle specifically. the villainous goals were interpreted to represent a defiance of men and the state and their collective violence, and they also formed a means of survival. what was initially merely a recognition of selina's capacity for mercy now became a potential recognition of bruce's own hypocrisies. selina acted as a symbol for petty criminals in gotham whom bruce would otherwise have written off as immoral wholesale bc to him the law was the law. and the remarkable thing about it was that none of it required selina giving even an inch to bruce. she was who she was and that was what made her utterly compelling to him. it's not a slight against selina that neither marriage nor a close civilian relationship formed the basis of her relationship with bruce and i don't understand why anyone would take it as one. marriage and domestic life for talia was a mark of the utter tragedy of her relationship with bruce. it was a fantasy and a delusion and it could never have given her what she wanted nor lent her any kind of agency in the long term. and i think when we meander into the realm of comparing the relationships we really start to diminish why certain aspects are important to either. why are the various patriarchal restrictions on talia's agency so integral to her character arc and its exploration of freedom? why is selina's existence in a sphere of life entirely distinct of bruce so integral to her character arc and its exploration of class? the constant back and forth between shippers on either end trying to equalize in terms of what either relationship has gone through in canon like it's a checklist to romantic validity is a bit absurd and i wish we would move away from it when analyzing the relationships or the characters
#it reminds me a bit of when i said that i think selina becoming a millionaire was a stupid development#that was insulting to everything newell and grant and moench had tried to build up about her in the early 90s#and people got upset and called me a hypocrite bc talia is rich. like my guy. can i help it that talia is rich#i can't erase her foundational character traits to make some sort of even playing field..#and frankly the fact that she and bruce are rich /is/ precisely what drives the whole argument about duty between them#they are in no position to complain or grow tired or languish in their reams of wealth#there is a duty they owe to the world while they have power and they have to suck it up and uphold that duty#it is the absolute least they can do and they know that. hence why talia is repeatedly on bruce's ass about it#it is also not lost on me that the above complaint may largely stem from the lazarus affair#where talia was portrayed to be ridiculously haughty and more than willing to show off her wealth#even though she didn't do that in like. any other comic in her pre-assassination era#and the lazarus affair as i have said so many times was a ridiculous comic anyways bc it setup talia and selina to be#combative ship fodder to fuel disagreements between dick and bruce. it is literally the first comic where they were ever#pit against each other. despite the fact that they had co-existed in harmony for a decade prior#and denny o'neil had gone so far as to establish both of them as bruce's definitive love interests in the 70s#like idk man it's not hard to entertain a little more critical thinking and poke at why the comparisons between them are nonsensical#a lot of it. a Lot of it. is stemming from people wanting either ship to one up the other. and you shouldn't fall for it#to be deleted#anyway. not making this rebloggable bc i'm sure you're all annoyed already but this whole thing has really confused me. so i've rambled
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I feel so stupid rn
#I forgot that I (am allowed to) exist the way I do because of a fortuitous combination of many factors#and that just because *I* can ignore the societal pressure to marry (and reproduce ig) doesn't mean other people are similarly fortunate#It isn't their fault and they owe me nothing. I understand that.#I just... we talked about this#We didn't make concrete plans or promises or anything solid but#we made jokes about moving in together in the same house with separate rooms#And ranted about how much we didn't want marriage and all it entails#and idk. It often felt like we were trying to go against the tide or something#When I heard the news I felt heartbroken yes but mostly I just felt... betrayed?#Like they were 'selling out' or 'giving in'#And let me clarify this is an arranged marriage that their relatives fixed for them. but also they said yes#And I just. don't get it#I expected them to hold out a little longer#and they told me. a MONTH before the date#A MONTH#I know I am making a huge deal out of it but idk it just hurts and I feel like shit and I feel like throwing a tantrum about it#I should clarify that I KNOW that I'm being irrational#My conceptualisation of the situation as them 'giving in' is ridiculous and unfair#I just... didn't think I had bought so much into the idea that we were going to be single together you know?#It's on me for daydreaming and reading into things#I wouldn't care so much if it was a love marriage situation or whatever coz I was prepared for that scenario#They are so so interesting and beautiful and clever and used to have so many admirers I thought it was only a matter of time#That would hurt but I'd live with it because whoever they chose would be worth it#But THIS??#I feel like a jilted lover despite being leagues away from being anything resembling a lover#I am being so self important right now like I know I wouldn't even have been a passing thought in their mind while deliberating on this#I feel like laughing at myself looking at this from an outside perspective#So stupid and acting so unreasonably#I'm channelling all my negative selfish irrational thoughts here because if I carry them with me irl I will explode#I haven't even cried about it really. I should cry about it it will make me feel better but I know that will trip off a spiral of self-pity
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