#I realize a lot of my thoughts are similar/identical to others who are also unhappy with T9S

[70s-show-diary]

My one (and only) post about That '90s Show

I used the weekend to watch season 1 of That '90s Show. I ultimately decided to watch it for Red and Kitty, and because I couldn't justify forming an opinion without having first given the show a chance. That being said, as most of my thoughts about the show aren't the most positive, and because I want to respect the fans who enjoyed the show, I decided to compile what will likely be my one and only post sharing my thoughts on the show below the cut.

I will say this: I didn't hate the show as much as I thought I would. I enjoyed the humor and the effort they made to maintain a similar tone and vibe to the original show. Of course, Red and Kitty were the highlight of the show, and I enjoyed seeing them as grandparents. I enjoyed seeing the appearances made by the original cast as well (with the exception of Jackie, but more on that later). I even enjoyed seeing Eric and Donna as parents. The new kids were okay, too. They certainly don't have the same chemistry and dynamic that the gang from the original series had, but when you are limited to ten episodes per season, there's not much you can do to really develop characters and their relationships. With more time and devotion to developing these characters, I believe that I could grow to like them more.

The problems that I had with the show are the exactly the problems that I expected to have, and it all stems from the very existence of season 8 of That '70s Show. I do not consider the end of season 7 and any of season 8 to be canon. In my happy bubble, Jackie and Hyde never break up (or make any of the other poor choices that followed), Eric didn't have to travel across the world and break-up with Donna to find a path for his future, Kelso didn't destroy his future as a cop, and Fez didn't become a creep. I grew up with these characters, consider them my friends, and hate what season 8 did to my friends. (I care waaayyy too much about these fictional characters, but I digress.)

Therefore, I've never entertained the idea of a reboot/spin-off series because I knew better than to hope that a spin-off series would ignore season 8. A spin-off that would've attempted to fix these mistakes, while just as unlikely, still wouldn't have been good enough (for me, at least) because I like to pretend all of that unpleasantness never even happened.

Real world circumstances made me even more wary of a spin-off series. AK and MK being married in real life was a sure sign that Jackie and Hyde would never get back together in a spin-off series. But the real nail in the coffin was the despicable and unforgivable actions of DM. With that, I knew Jackie and Hyde were essentially over and we would never see Hyde again. (Don't get me wrong, I am more than relieved that T9S does not associate with DM, but the loss of the character Hyde was tough for me).

So really, it's not entirely That '90s Show's fault that the futures that I had hoped for these characters was unrealized. However, there is a difference between not getting what I want for these characters and completely disrespecting and destroying these characters who are beloved to me (and so many others who have connected with them for years and years). I would've accepted whatever future T9S offered for these characters had they done it in a way that respected the growth and development that they made in the '70s. Jackie being with Kelso instead of Hyde? Fine. But give me a good reason for it. Not the absolute garbage that is Jackie cheating on Fez with Kelso (of all people!) and going on their second marriage. Eric and Donna having a child (and naming her Leia) essentially as soon as Eric came home from Africa is just not something I believe the Eric and Donna from T7S would have done. (I do however, accept this with a grain of salt, because the entire premise of T9S hinges on Eric and Donna have a teenager in the '90s). While Fez finding success in his salons was cute, him not having found love since Jackie cheated on him also didn't sit right with me. And while the best choice...the only choice was to not include Hyde, what I've read about the decision to have Hyde basically drop off the face of the Earth and cut off all ties to his found family is probably the most disrespectful thing that they could have done to write off his character. All that is to say, I could've taken anything except the blatant disrespect that they gave to my friends.

What I wasn't expecting was the sense of heartache that I would feel watching That '90s Show. As I previously stated, for years now, I never held out for a faithful reboot/spin-off series. But watching this show...it really makes me mourn the spin-off that could've been in a perfect world. I truly loved seeing Red and Kitty navigate a household of teenagers again, but this time as grandparents. My heart squeezed when Kitty hugged Eric in the first episode and when Donna and Eric did that cute head-shove from the original series. I couldn't help the smile when Kelso burst in with a "buuuurnnn!!!" in true Kelso-fashion after all these years. Fez's "I said good-day" in his commercial and rivalry with Fenton. Kitty throwing a birthday party. Red's grumpiness. Kitty's signature laugh and Red's muttered "dumbass" comments. I've seen every episode of T7S (with the exception of season 8) so many times that I have entire episodes memorized, down to the timing, hand gestures, and inflections. So seeing my old friend's back in their elements, doing these things again but in new scenes that I have never seen before was certainly... surreal. But none of that nostalgia is worth letting T9S destroy my friends and destroy all their growth and character development. All it has done is make me mourn the faithful spin-off that will never be.

All that is to say that I think I'll be leaving the ''90s behind and returning to the safety of the '70s.

[humor6969]

Mom said it's my turn to talk about how Edgar and Mike’s interactions affects the relationships they build with people around them, how that in congruence with the plot, helps develop the themes of self-identity, tyranny, and how we perceive the world around us through the lens presented to us by the very society that limits us, as presented in WOE.BEGONE.

Mike and Edgar’s relationship exemplifies w.bg strongest narrative theme. Both of their characters are introduced with the uncomfortable sword of damocles that is power hanging over their heads.

When Mike was introduced he was powerless. It’s clear he was unhappy with his life and that playing  w.bg was the only thing he thought he could do to feel in control. Nothing could dramatically change your future like putting your life on the line for internet fame. Ironically w.bg only served to further demoralize him, taunting him with the promise of power while further taking his agency.

Edgar was introduced as someone who hadn’t realized the power they don’t have. There was a massive gap in knowledge between what Edgar knew and everyone around him knew. In that way he was isolated from most other tier two co-workers without realizing it. Even Mike was getting to know him on false pretenses. Mike had power over him, he also had knowledge similar to the rest of tier two employees and was manipulating Edgar into helping him learn more.

By dating Mike, Edgar gained new kinds of control/power. A growing desire for more is always one of his strongest motivations, as opposed to Mike’s motivations that vacillate from desperately wanting power to running away from it.

Mike is not only the person who first introduced Edgar to time travel, but also provides Edgar with people willing to follow his orders. He is someone who totally shares those desires. (power hungry assholes <3). We never hear Edgar speak much about people he knows outside of base even before it was created. Edgar might have felt lucky to have found someone like Mike, who (had already done the hard work being social with his co-workers) comes with a pre-established friend group.

His new boyfriend came with not only immense world shattering knowledge and power (as well as near total compliance concerning) but a loyal army for him to command.

These problems are typified by all the ethical/moral dilemmas they are forced to face with the idea of iterative personhood. 

I said "near total compliance" above as most disagreements he and Mike have are caused by how differently they both treat iterations even when they share the same definition of that concept. Mike (as he has made it very aware) sees iterations as a unique individual. His iterations are just some real fucken weird guys who happen to share a lot of his memories.

Edgar doesn’t. Even as the person who created and defined the term ‘iterative personhood’ he views them as disposable copies of the ‘real thing’ or as a back-up. When someone dies he can just load a new copy of them from his save data good as new. 

And as much as Edgar has said he would never hurt any Mike he does so repeatedly throughout the whole series. Edgar might think it's a pity to kill an iteration. Edgar clearly doesn’t like killing anyone (especially a Mike) but he never empathizes with them. He nods his head sympathetically and probably does truly believe it's a waste of a life, but he never has acted like he’s losing a person he cares about. Edgar has shown little to know remorse when it comes to lying or manipulating Mike. Only apologizing when his plans cause Mike permanent suffering or trauma. Although this does not come from a place of malice (*cough* read this post by orchidbreezefc *cough*)

Even iterations of Edgar don’t seem to care about any of the differences between the many Mikes.

When Mustardseed is captured by the Flinchites and interrogated by Michael. Mustardseed immediately speaks to him in the exact way base Edgar has been shown to speak to his Mikey. And not just the same tone of voice. He uses the same playful comments, affectionate teasing, and pet names without any of the hesitation Micheal was noticeably experiencing. To Edgar, he was picking up just where he left off with OverMike. 

(I wish we had more moments with Edgar. Most speaking lines he has are in scenes that have some kind of big Plot Event. I wanna listen to him and Mikey talk about movies. I wanna dissect them)

Edgar may be smart enough to work in a top secret government weapons compound but without Mike he's stuck working a 9-5 desk job with no real human connection. 

Without Edgar, Mike is a dumbass cutting his body parts off for podcast views. 

Mike and Edgar’s relationship changes the whole structure of the show. I feel like the ‘Mike talks to the audience while openly referencing he’s making a podcast’ framing device ends in the middle of season three. Specifically, episode 31 where that pretense drops. I honestly don't know if it's just a coincidence or if Dylan Griggs has made a comment about it (if so whoopsies but I'm trying to make a poetic-y point here). But it's the first episode with only character dialogue and has no narration. It’s also the first episode where Mike shows more serious romantic interest in Edgar. Obviously the narration is still a major part of most episodes but Mike stops breaking the fourth-wall to quip about episode production.

Honestly Edgar’s whole character is my favorite part of w.bg. He makes such a great contrast to the Mikes’ personalities and beliefs while still being a strong guiding force for him to depend on. 

Hope this reads as more then sleep deprived rambling. Inspired by @orchidbreezefc's post (this might not have made sense without reading it)

[shipcestuous-two]

How I Live Now

At long last, I finally managed to borrow my library’s copy of How I Live Now. I read your thoughts on the movie ages ago, but I haven’t seen the movie myself. So here’s my thoughts on the book!

First of all, shipping aside, I love Daisy’s narrative voice. She feels so much like any normal 15-year-old girl–mostly concerned with herself and her friends/family, compared to what’s going on on a nationwide/global scale–and so it makes for a really unique experience with the events of the novel. It feels a lot realer for that reason. Like, “sure there’s a war going on. I am concerned with hanging out with my English cousins and being without adults for the first time in my life and smooching a cute boy every chance I get (who also just happens to be my cousin). Also we have a kind of psychic soulmate connection.” You know, just normal teenager stuff. Except the last bit.

You mentioned that in the movie, there’s no commentary on “this is wrong, we’re cousins, we can’t” and how refreshing that is. The book is similar enough to that. There’s maybe a few mentions of how society would frown on it, but it’s not just the cousins thing. Daisy reflects that people would maybe be unhappy with her and Edmond hooking up every chance they get because they’re “too young and too related,” as if them being 15 and 14 respectively is just as much an issue as them being first cousins. It doesn’t seem to bother either of them on a personal level, just a vague background realization that other people wouldn’t like it.

(And of course, Piper and Isaac–2 of Edmond’s siblings/Daisy’s other cousins–are aware of it and don’t care. Piper is quite encouraging of it! We love her for this.)

Also, it subverts the usual incest trope of “this is only happening because we’re in a screwed up situation.” There are sparks between them from the second they lay eyes on each other. Sure, the situation probably speeds up the process of them getting together, but that’s more because they’re without adult supervision. It happens before the war stuff gets really bad, so it’s basically just the expected result of leaving two teenagers who are attracted to each other alone unsupervised (except by one’s oft-absent and barely-older brother).

Speaking of the attraction at first sight–I think you mentioned that in the book, Isaac is younger than Edmond? In the book, they’re twins, and other than their eye colors, they’re basically identical. Which I feel makes the Daisy/Edmond attraction more special. She isn’t just attracted to him because he’s handsome, or else she’d be hot for both the twins. She falls for Edmond because of how caring, attentive, and special he is as a person.

Even if they’re so young, it’s clearly not a fleeting crush. As evidenced by the fact that, even when Daisy is forced back to America for 6 whole years, she never finds anyone else, and vice versa. They’re still thinking about each other, imagining a future together, until at last, England finally opens its borders again and Daisy can finally come home to Edmond and the others.

You also compared the two to Katniss and Peeta from The Hunger Games, and that’s a really good comparison. Even if Daisy starts as an everygirl, she grows into a survivor–she keeps being jerked around by adults with power over her, but still moving forward and living on for the boy she loves and her little sister figure (more on Piper in a bit). And Edmond is so insightful and too kind-hearted for such a terrible war, and those events and being separated from Daisy break him apart. But in the end, they help put each other back together again, falling right back into place even after 6 years apart. It’s a wonderful love story that I’d ship even if they weren’t cousins, but they are and that makes it even more special!

Anyway, if Daisy is Katniss, then her youngest cousin Piper is her Prim. They’re cousins by blood, but become sisters by circumstance (Piper directly says Daisy is the sister she always wanted–not to mention, they’ll also be sisters-in-law one day). Their relationship is the focus of half the novel, when Edmond and Daisy are separated, and their bond is so sweet.

I do feel weird shipping it since Piper is 9 and Daisy is 15, and even at the very end, Piper is only 15. But I can at least see Piper as having a one-sided crush on her cool older cousin who’s always looking out for her. I mean, could you blame her?

And thankfully, unlike a certain other series we’re paralleling, they both survive. A really touching line near the end of the book is when Daisy says, “By saving Piper, I saved myself.” If Daisy had been alone, she probably couldn’t have kept going, but she had Piper to take care of. Piper to keep her pushing forward, to keep her occupied and keep her spirits from sinking too low. Neither of them could have survived without each other.

Even when they haven’t seen each other in 6 years, they also fall right back into the same sisterly dynamic when they’re finally able to meet again, even if Daisy also doesn’t recognize her at first, with how much she’s grown (I feel like it’s a deliberate choice by the author to make Piper now the same age as Daisy was when the events started, but that’s not relevant here). Piper has been forced to take on the role of an adult far too young, just like Daisy and Piper’s brothers did, and it sucks but at least now, she can have Daisy back for support.

Also adding to the Prim parallel, I love how Piper and Daisy’s personalities are different but complement each other well. Kind of like Prim, Piper is simultaneously the sweetest human being ever (especially in her narrator relative’s eyes) but also wise beyond her years, serious and devoted to taking care of other people. Her kindness endears people to her and Daisy, even when Daisy is more aloof. And even if Piper is young, she’s always looking out for people just like Edmond.

(The siblings’ relationships–while we don’t see as much of them–are still compelling in themselves, and if not for Daisy, I’d probably ship at least one pair of them. They’re sweet and have a lot in common. Not to mention that one spoilery thing where Isaac and Edmond disagree on whether to leave the group they’re with and fight for what’s apparently the first time ever, and it’s really difficult.)

sorry to talk at such length. I planned this to be half the length, but I just finished the book and I have so many thoughts. It’s a quick read, yet it has quite a lot to say. Even without the shipcest, I’d give it five stars, but the fact that we get a Katniss/Peeta-esque love story between cousins–and it’s never really viewed as an issue!–makes it incredible. Six out of five stars from me.

I was just looking up on the movie and a couple more changes: Isaac lives in the book. and also, I mentioned the 3 siblings have an oldest brother Osbert who's 16. I do see why they cut the latter from the movie for time--he isn't that relevant--but I don't know how I feel about the movie making the choice to kill Isaac. Maybe just to intensify Daisy and Piper's despair? but killing one twin (as they are in the book) is always too mean for me

--

[my movie commentary]

Thanks so much for sharing all of these thoughts with us and giving us a book report on the ships. It’s always really interesting to learn about the book, and differences and such. Sounds like a good read and what we like about the movie is in there. 

The sisters/cousins relationship between Piper and Daisy is really sweet, too. 

What a treasure this story is.

[pastelwitchling]

Disclaimer; I’ve had a restless night waiting for the episode because the RNM costume department posted a picture of Michael and Max with Michael wearing the necklace, and I thought it was going to be a scene from episode, so I thought Alex would be there. Spoiler alert; he was not. Nevertheless, here are my thoughts on 4x06.

I don’t give a crap about anybody but Alex and Michael. I watched the scenes with Maria only when Michael was around, and only for Michael, and let me ask you; what does it say about a show and a character when I begrudgingly watch a scene she’s in only for another character, all the while anxious and hoping she doesn’t touch him and that they don’t talk to each other? What does that say?

I just do not understand these writers’ logic. They know she’s the most hated character, they know They-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named was loathed by the majority. I don’t get how they don’t get that we don’t want her anywhere fucking near malex!

Sigh.

I skipped every other scene she was in. I also skipped Liz and Max’s scene after the fight in the sheriff’s station. I’m just so done with trying to care about anybody but Alex and Michael, so from now on I will be skipping everybody else’s scenes. I couldn’t care less about the scientist, I don’t care about echo, and I definitely don’t care about extra little subplots that come out of nowhere, go nowhere, have no weight, and are about characters that I don’t know and don’t care about.

Yeah, I’m talking about that ridiculous sudden subplot with Eduardo and his daughter. I literally said out loud, I DON’T CARE ABOUT THIS! to the screen, I couldn’t believe they were actually making it a thing. Also, Eduardo later says that Sonya was getting in the way of Deep Sky’s work because she thought they were profiting off alien secrets, and, as my friend said, isn’t even alien-friendly. I can neither confirm nor deny this as she’s such a boring character when she’s not Tezca that I zone out when she speaks and don’t remember a word she’s ever said. But my point is that are we supposed to feel sympathy for this character that had gone against Deep Sky, the people we’ve come to trust because of Eduardo? Yeah, that’ll happen.

I’ll be completely honest, without Alex, I don’t even really care about Kybel. Not that I don’t have a soft spot for them, but when the rest of the episode is just disappointing, then they really aren’t very exciting.

Also, if they end this season with the aliens losing their powers, I will be very unhappy. I want them to stay aliens. (Side note; after Maria says her identity is tied to her ambition and heart, my thought was and is, Well, your heart is selfish, so I guess that says it all, doesn’t it?)

Now, I’ll be honest. I cried a lot through this episode in a similar way to when I cried during season 2′s episodes, in that I was crying because I was so frustrated with the blatant disrespect and unfairness that they were treating Alex with. Michael saying that he would’ve thought Alex would check in despite being busy is one example. Yeah, yeah, Michael, Alex hasn’t responded to any calls or messages in, what, weeks? Your boyfriend, who does everything for you and loves you more than anything, has gone radio silent since the second he left. And he’s the one that needs to check in on you?

From a more positive viewpoint, I can understand that Michael saying that is just him literally whining for Alex and wanting him there. So from that angle, especially after a bit more sleep, I can see it as a somewhat cute thing. I just want some acknowledgement when he finds out the truth, you know? Just saying that Alex had been gone for weeks and that he hadn’t realized something was wrong. Just some acknowledgement to how unfair they’ve been, just a little, and from Michael.

One other thing I really loved was Michael referencing Harry Potter, and saying Accio Alex. Not Accio any random object, but Alex. The fact that he so openly and blatantly wants Alex back and with him is the one truly saving grace of these past few episodes.

But yeah, that’s really it. Here’s hoping next week is better.

[galacticnova3]

seeing the feet anon has finally had me ask, Who Is Iru. i've been following you for a while and yet i don't know who iru is, all i know is that they have a hat, literally thats it and so that makes my first thought 'are people thirsting after iru because they have a mega cool hat' LMAO

Anon I’m so sorry to disappoint but this is Iru. Backstory under the cut but tldr incel boat made people hate him to the point of wanting him dead, survived but lost half his parts, and later became meat with the help of an identity-stealing flesh boat because he was tired of delaying the inevitable failing of his parts. No I don’t know why anons are Like That towards him, I specifically designed him with the intention of making him as unlikable as possible. Unfortunately he also gets multiple bingos on tumblr sexyman bingo.

Long story short(but still long because there’s A Lot): he was a regular Umbramaker(which is the mirror world equivalent of a Starcutter) designed for disaster relief, who also became such a misogynistic dickwad that he literally had his voice shut off because he was making everyone so unhappy, but he found a workaround and continued being himself and it made a bunch of other Umbramakers around him conspire to literally get him killed by starting rumors that he was involved in anti-government activities. Unfortunately he survived and turned to a life of stealing parts to constantly replace his own as they failed. It was initially just ones that had already been removed, but then he began also attacking other ships traveling alone that were in his size range to take their parts, because through a complicated mix of anger, poor processing of what caused his situation, and trying to justify his own actions, he stopped really seeing other ships as people. Also at some point he traded an oar he stole for a custom fedora on the black market, yes this detail is kinda unnecessary but it’s important to his character.

That didn’t change the fact that he’s programmed to be social, though, so when he got wind of a different Umbramaker who had escaped and was no longer affiliated with Mirror Halcandra, he immediately was like 👀 and started trying to get close to her. That other ship was Roa, who was in a similar situation of “I don’t want anything to do with the ships back there but also I am literally desperate for social contact it is driving me up the wall”, so she tolerated his bullshit for a few years and just tried to ignore the fact that he was a creep. That was until the two met and she could immediately see Oh He Is Some Kind Of Fucked Up Amalgamation Of Other Ships, I Don’t Trust Like That and basically just cut contact immediately. Unfortunately that didn’t stop him from trying to pester her, and so when he figured out that she went to the Overworld, he followed in secret, but not really because it’s hard to be secretive when you’re intentionally interacting with the person you’re stalking.

Roa met Lor, and because of that Iru also learned of her existence and gained an interest. That went about as you would expect, in that she also did not want anything to do with him. The thing is, there’s a mimic(that I just call Lon) that has decided to steal Lor’s appearance, and they didn’t know about her reaction to Iru. By chance those two meet, Iru doesn’t realize Lon is actually a fucked up creature and Lon doesn’t realize they’re supposed to hate Iru. The two hit it off somewhat, in that Lon actually tolerates him because they don’t understand the implications of half the bullshit he says, and because he is so starved for positive socialization Iru decides it isn’t a dealbreaker when he discovers Lon kills and eats people. Something something, time passes, relationship progresses to what could probably be called friendship, eventually Lon has an idea based on their origins(person who was having a time and made mimics to fuck with other people gets tired of turning things into fucked up creatures, improperly disposes of the remainder of their Mimic Making Juice™️ on a dead tree that became Lon).

They’re like “hey wanna be a fucked up creature with me so you aren’t stuck in a cycle of basically just temporarily slowing down your own death?”, to which Iru is like “let me think about it, yea” and then got slapped with mimic slutch and passed out for a day and woke up as fucked up flesh boat 2.

[hideouspumpkin]

Hi I know this question may be too personal, so I totally respect if u don't wanna answer, but of is ok can I ask when and how you figured out that you like girls and only girls? And how was your first experience with one of them? I got 28 and I've never been with a girl, in my teens I flirted and dated many guys but I never had sex with them and the very little few fisical things I did with them were something that produced a strong aversion and disconfort in me. I also have an ed, so at first I thought it might be because of that. Then, in my twentys I've spend almost 10 years recluse in my home focused in studing my medicine degree and not being very attentive or interested into sexuality until this last tree years in where idnk why (maybe due to a pretty girl of my class) something awake in me and I finally figured out how deeply lesbian I am. Idnk if my experience is very normal or similar to other lesbians with ed. And even if i'm sure about my sexual attraction i steel wonder sometimes how really will be to date a woman. Idnk. I guess I just feel a little bit alone with all this feelings and wanna share and heard about other experiences. Sorry my english and have a good week.

Dear anon, first of all im sending you warm thoughts for the attraction thing, for the eds thing, for everything really, as all of it is pretty confusing and complicated to be honest (and I understand what you're going through)

To answer your question, I actually have a similar story as you : I realized I liked girls when I was 20, and had no clues I did, as least consciously, before that. I also flirted with boys but never anything serious and I also thought that it was because of the eds that I never went further. Then I moved to London at age 20 (im french) and I think being far away from a place where every body knew me helped me realize that I wasn't...quite what they thought I was. It liberated me in some way. Also I was, at the time, spending a lot of time on fandom spaces and those were pretty queer so it helped me coming to terms with my own attraction to women, it being something that actually was ok and actually existed. I remember I read some of the posts on here that were like "lesbians suggestions" and were full of relatable lesbians things like really really wanting to be friend with a specific girl not being a "normal" thing every girl experienced but a sort of sign you were into girls. Those made me reconsider a lot of my past experiences and feelings and I understood that basically I was attracted to girls, and my whole flirting with guys was more to do with societal expectations or searching for male validation than proper attraction. I think, getting better mentally also helped me, as when you're deep into your eds you don't really have the mental space or the energy to think about opening yourself up to this (and eds have also a strong link with pleasure in its many forms so yknow... Punishing yourself by not allowing yourself to even just consider dating a woman because your are "ashamed" or think you don't deserve any kind of pleasurable thing) At the same time I also met a girl, like you did, who uuih helped those feelings come up to the surface because I had a crush and for once I was ready to see it as one. But basically before that I had literally no sexual drive, that I was conscious of at least (Im very good at repressing stuff without even noticing)and still to this day, I struggle with sex, intimacy, desire and stuff.

So don't worry, yours is a perfectly normal experience !!! Its already amazing that you've understood your real identity (women are pretty amazing) About what its like to date a woman well its uuuh just the best if you find the right one !! You don't need to date the first other wlw you meet if you're not actually interested or attracted to her just because you're both into girls, that'd just lead to an unhappy and unfulfilling relationship !!

Idk if this was any help, but basically, your experience is normal, I went through similar things, and im sending you all the love I can ! You're not alone, im with you !

[lizacstuff]

Bölüm 45 asks

Plus a few asks from 44, and one about the fragman for 46

Read more under the cut

Anonymous asked: I cannot believe that Ayse revived the "Kemal is Serkan's real father" theory but I think I'm down for it? At least now Kiraz has one decent grandparent and he seems like genuinely nice man. I've been wishing for him to have some scenes with Serkan because the way they set up this S2 plot, they could relate to one another and I was sad to see that he spent 5 years hiding instead

I'm down for this plot! See, now that I know they're doing the long-lost-father plot, it makes all the sense in the world why Serkan doesn't like Kemal and they didn't forge a relationship in the last five years. If they had, then finding out he's his dad would have been a lot less jarring and dramatic. Finding out now and then forging the relationship I think will be a bit more meaty story so it works for me.

To me this story works on a lot of levels, and makes sense with who Serkan is and his very strained relationship with Alptekin. It's like Alptekin sensed it, and resented Serkan his whole life. For those worried that Serkan will no longer have the last name Bolat, I'm not sure where that's coming from. Maybe I'm just not familiar with other cultures, but that is his name, Alptekin raised him, adults don't just up and change their name because of genetics. If you're adopted and you meet your bio dad as an adult, you don't change your name to your bio dad's.

Serkan's name is very much a part of his identity. Which is why this story has so much potential, because it could shake Serkan to his very core to find out who he thought he was, was wrong. He thought he was unlovable, most importantly maybe he'll finally realize there was more at play there and it wasn't at fault.

Anonymous asked: There were a couple things in the last episode that didn't sit well with me. 1. I can't believe Eda made Serkan sleep outside at night and didn't feel bad in the morning when she realized he got sick! 2. The way Seyfi announced Aydan and Kemal's secret relationship. It wasn't his secret to tell, though Aydan did deserve the way everyone reacted. So I got over that pretty quick. 3. Burak!!! He's not the one for Melo. She deserves better and if they end up together in the end, I'm gonna protest.

1. Unless you're going to put the same energy into not believing that Serkan had the gal to remove his bed on the floor as a way to maneuver himself into Eda's bed before she was ready, I really can't relate. It was done for comedy, my advice is to unclench and just giggle along.

2. Or you could look at it as being unfair of Aydan to burden Seyfi with that secret and require he lie to his other employer for five years. I mean I don't disagree that it wasn't his secret to tell, but Aydan had plenty of chances, and it was time for it to come out.

3. This one we are in 100% agreement about. MELO DESERVES BETTER. I will die on this hill.

Anonymous asked: Hi! Do you think Serkan actually believes in Kerem's abilities (he trusts Eda's faith in Kerem) or is this part of his plan to win Eda back? Either way I'm okay, just wondering what you think.

No, I do not think he gained a sudden belief in Kerem's abilities, but I do think he believes in Eda. And if Eda believes in Kerem then when push comes to shove that is enough for Serkan. Of course, he did it as part of his plan to win Eda back. Serkan is taking every opportunity to let Eda know that he respects her and believes in her and I think this was another example of that. There was also an aspect of him trying to win over another person in Eda's circle who was suspicious of him. The fewer people he has working against him, the better! He knows he has no shot with Burak or Ayfer, so this episode he worked on Melo and Kerem. But mostly it was him trying to make Eda's life easier, by smoothing over a personnel problem she was having, thus making working out of Art Life a more attractive option for her. All of those things in one!

Anonymous asked: What do you think about Eda and Piril's friendship? This episode really highlighted how close they've gotten.

Yes, they have gotten close, and I'm happy Eda has a friend, but at the same time I don't trust Piril. This is a woman who discarded Eda and embraced Selin when she was manipulating and abusing a brain-damaged Serkan.

Eda might be able to forget, but I can't. Also as a character she's just boring, rigid and humorless. One of my least favorites on screen.

That being said I do like the triad dynamic of Kiraz/Can, Serkan/Engin, and Eda/Piril, it was fun when they were calling each other at the same time.

Anonymous asked: Idk if they reached out to Maya just because she looked like Hande considering she had no acting experience, but this little girl is like the best casting I've seen. The chemistry with Hande and Kerem is amazing. She's so expressive. I am a Kiraz stan.

She's doing a fantastic job, precious thing! I have no idea how they found her, I know she was an instagram model, but the SCK casting director strikes again. This season doesn't work if we don't fall in love with Kiraz. Thankfully, we did!

Anonymous asked: Hi! Since it seems that we will have 13 episodes, do you think that Edser reconciliation/wedding will be left for the finale, 12-13 ep? Cause Ayse loves to drag and keep them apart.

I think the wedding might be closer to the end, but I think reconciliation will be a bit sooner than that.

However, I have to say that it's really not like they're apart.. is it? I mean this episode we had them living together, sort of casually planning their future together. Next episode we have them pretending to be married and ramping up the sexual tension to white-hot-sun levels, these are all good things. With episodes like this, I don't personally consider the show dragging it out.

In fandom I see a lot of peeps upset because Eda isn't getting immediately back with Serkan and I am feeling inpatient as well, do you think the writers are making a mistake keeping them apart?

Again, I guess my response to you is, by what definition was this episode "keeping them apart?"

Yes, they aren't having sex, but they are living together, working together, raising their daughter together, and I'm a-okay with having a couple of delicious episodes of that while they are still not fully back together romantically. Let's be real, they're still waking up in bed together, flirting, and having a romantic dinner together, so it's not like things aren't moving forward, they are. I'd advise putting aside your impatience, and just sit back, relax, and let the story take its course. There is no need to be anxious with this one. They are going to end up with their happily ever after together, but what we're seeing right now is delightful. It's them in family and domestic situations, them with their child. Most shippers only dream of getting to see this.

This sort of goes back to my stance on episodes 16-24, I know that was a frustrating time for a lot of fans because they were "broken up" but I've always said they may have been officially broken up, but they were in a committed relationship that entire time. And I enjoyed those episodes from that perspective, that tension of them being "apart" but still functioning as a unit and still being emotionally tied together underneath it all. There's kind of a similar situation here, they aren't officially back together, Eda is resisting him, but they are in a committed relationship and I don't understand what the need is to rush through this part? Enjoy the sexual tension of them living together, but not sleeping together. Enjoy the rom com romp of Serkan trying to get in her bed, and Eda taking steps to keep him out. Enjoy their daughter putting them in situations that force them into close proximity, and enjoy them falling into easy compatibility without even trying. Enjoy Serkan planning romantic dinners, and Eda enjoying it despite her every effort to protect her heart.

To me this is very good stuff, and spending this time being impatient and wanting what didn't happen yet, instead of enjoying what did happen is pretty much the recipe for unhappiness not just with this show, but life.

Anonymous asked: i feel like i've seen the exact same frustrations ppl have had with eda right now back around the 20s too after serkan told her about her parents' secret. it was like, now that he's told her the truth, she should automatically forgive him and get back together. same thing happening here, with him accepting his role as kiraz's father. it feels like the same impatience that's put on eda to just forgive him already bc everyone wants happy edser and she's in the way lol.. like girl needs time!

Agreed, and it makes me wonder if these folks have ever watched television before, lmao. Patience! There's a story unfolding and from the first 6 episodes it's clear they have a season long arc planned. All in due time.

Eda spent five years thinking that Serkan stopped loving her, and discarded her for work. The second time he used that excuse to break her heart. My goodness, it's more than okay if she needs a little time to adjust and learn how to trust him again. PLUS that means we get to watch him work on her, try to make inroads, romance her, forge a relationship with his daughter and earn Eda's trust back. What's bad in that?

What did you think of the fragman? It's kind of dumb and unrealistic that they have to dance for a school admission interview.

LMAO. Yes, yes it is, but my question to you is, sana ne?

I mean why do you care if the set up is dumb or not? Or if it's realistic? It's a device to get Serkan and Eda to pretend to be married before they're fully back together and an excuse for us to see Edser smash themselves together in a sensual tangle of limbs while they pretend to be unaffected, while both are being engulfed in USTy flames.

I'm not complaining, why are you?

Come on, this show is silly, it has been from day one, enjoy the fact that we are getting silly plots that force our couple into hilarious and hot situations, because Hande and Kerem are going to give us gold, I guarantee it and I'm going to smile through every second watching it.

xxxxxxxxxx

These asks are from episode 44, they came in and I didn't have time to answer before 45 aired:

Anonymous asked: Do you think there is a point when there are too many “parallels” and it becomes more like scenes are being recycled? Because I kinda felt that way in the last episode. Like she’s just tossing in as many things as she can from those first 11 episodes but I’ve already watched those and Id rather we focus more character progression. I feel like they regressed from those honest conversations last week and were back to being petty this week.

I guess my answer is... no, I don't think there have been too many parallels. Episode 44 was partly about truth bubbling to the surface, with the biggest truth being that Serkan has been in love with Eda every minute of every day since they parted. That is a very important thing for Eda to understand and know and they really can't move forward until she does, because she felt unloved and forgotten all those years. Most of the parallels were illustrating that by showing that he held on to their history, he remembered their history and he honored it. Okay by me.

Anonymous asked: There were some amazing dialogues in the episode. I have two that tie for top. One was when Kiraz said that Serkan was her wish (when blowing her birthday candles), and the other was when Serkan said Apollo was never going to give up on the woman he loves nor on the cherries! Oh my heart had feels both times. What were your favourite dialogues in the episode?

Oh man my head is in 45 now, but both of those examples of yours were great. I loved both of them.

The other than springs to mind is while fishing, Eda telling Serkan that he didn't need to be perfect for Kiraz to love him, he just had to be himself.

Swoon.

That's so important for Serkan to hear, because he doesn't think he's worthy of love as himself, so hearing that from Eda is impactful.

Anonymous asked: reading your ep review, i think a big reason some people are hanging on to hate the s2 plot no matter what are just bc they hate the writer. of course not everyone, but a lot of people will just hate on anything she writes out of spite, even if objectively the episode is very good. idk why that is or when ppl decided they hated her but it's not warranted at all imo. i can understand not liking the premise of this season, but after watching it so far there has been SUCH an improvement edser-wise.

People can like, dislike, love, hate anything they want. Consuming entertainment doesn't have to be a team sport. That being said, from what I've seen I'd agree with your assessment. Teams have formed (Anti-Ayse, Pro-Ayse, etc) and the former are too invested in hating everything she does, the former possibly too forgiving at times. That's their choice, but I have to say I feel bad for the anti brigade, this is a show they loved, and most of them are still watching, but they've completely sabotaged themselves from finding any joy in any of it and I think they're going to regret it once it's over.

Also season 2 is so much better than I thought it could be. I honestly thought there was no way to get back to the early quality, but it's here. The show is really watchable and fun this season, and it's a shame for those who've let their attitudes get so negative that they can't enjoy it.

Anonymous asked: Ok so I'm aware this would be highly uncharacteristic of a dizi - but if they know there's only 6 eps left, my dream would be no more big bad events and just spend it rebuilding EdSer as a couple and a family. Would that be too much to ask lol. They've jumped from one disaster to another. Since we're at the end & they have the luxury of knowing it, I just want to see them working through things as a real unit. They've dated for like 7 eps out of 45? Can we get that above 10 at least????

Congratulations! Because that's exactly what we've gotten so far in season 2. Once we got past the trauma of the 5 year time jump, all the drama has been internal to Eda and Serkan and their relationship. The whole season so far has been about rebuilding Edser as a couple and a family. And if you're watching without the tauntruming twitter teens in your ear, you'd realize we ARE watching them work through things as a real unit.

I'll say this until I'm blue in the face (apparently) just because they are not currently sexing each other up, does not mean they aren't emotionally doing all the things necessary to reach their full potential as a couple.

They are. It's happening. Enjoy it.

[handlewithkara]

@peggystormborn I don't think that it has to be "she doesn't have to choose" just because that seems the most natural to people. I think they could have made for example Alex or humanity uber alles work.

I definitely don’t think that it has be Argo AND earth, I think the groundwork was already there with Kara not really feeling at home on Argo either when she doesn’t enjoy the dinner with her childhood friend. The ending could easily have been that she decides she doesn’t need Argo because “Argo was in her heart the entire time!”. Stories whether one chooses one thing can work. Think of all the city life versus small town life that do end with the person deciding the city sucks, they are going to settle down (something that often gets criticized rather justly, but still, there is a long tradition of those stories). Or a long variety of romances that are “I got blinded by X, but then I suddenly realize I actually love Y”. One could have done that about Argo, “I thought Argo was going to fix my identity woes, but it was actually just a smoke screen, I was just running away from my problems”. 

I know some of the more anti-Karamel faction always wanted her to reject Argo (even independent of Karamel going there) because Alura is a bad and cruel person who sent Kara away and put Astra in jail. 

It’s strange. Even though we know they had full control of the season finale, I don’t think they full broke with the themes and values of season 3. Turning Alura and (or) Mon-El evil would have given Kara a reason to reject them and never mention them again. And it wouldn’t have necessarily have been that much of a stretch Like they could have written as Alura being indifferent to human collatoral damage and Kara just can’t abide by that. 

Or it would have required a scene a the most to write “As Imra shows to help save the world, Mon-El’s face lights up and he decides that it was Imra all along, her coming back to help them out settles it for him”. 

Heck, they could have had Alex being the one in danger in the finale rather than Alura and Mon-El. They could have written this as Kara’s big realization that earth and humanity is all she wants. 

Instead, Mon-El still breaks up with Imra, Karamel still are shown as at least very friendly on Kara’s side, Alura is still overall an nice and helpful person who is sad about the things she did in the past (like with Astra), them being in danger as Kara turns back time kind of strengthens their importance even, just as Kara bids goodbye to both of them (only for the goodbye to Winn to take up more of the episode dramatically than either of those goodbyes? Talk about weird messaging?). 

It makes me wonder whether the plan orignially was that Mon-El was to return and it was Chris who said no because he really disliked the story they were planning for Mon-El? And they were so angry at him that they refused to even mention Mon-El for the longest time? Winn’s goodbye being more emotional would kind of fit better if originally Jeremy was the only one they knew was leaving and originally there would have been more to Alura and Mon-El’s stories (with maybe Alura being sort of collatoral damage to them not finding an agreement with Chris). 

Or they decided this wasn’t the direction they wanted to go into but they didn’t want to fully break with the themes of season 3, so they were still reasonably respectful to Mon-El and Alura. It just seems if they just wanted to be rid of the story and for people to stop asking questions, there were other ways to close it more completely, even if they didn’t want to go as far as either Mon-El being evil/Kara realizing he really was a jerk and she never loved him, or Mon-El returning to Imra, Like Mon-El giving back the necklace would have felt pretty final or if not him realizing that he does love Imra, at least have his words about the future stress that they are his family and home, instead his words are all about duty (”I swore to protect”).

It makes me wonder why they cut the scene between Kara and Alura. Whether it was just for time, or because they didn’t want Kara to spell out how she felt during the greenhouse scene or because Karamel fans as well as all other shippers would have taken Alura’s words “Not every love story is simple, but in time the truth always reveals itself” to be an encouragement to keep waiting. 

In the end, what I’m trying to say is, you are right, Kara’s identity juggling was an important theme of season 3 and of Karamel in season 3, but as you say yourself, the writers also seemed to drop a lot of stories from season 3 very unceremoniously and essentially closed them with the season 3 finale. So just because season 3 did have these theme that is no insurance that season 6 will continue on this or pick it up again. Though it is rather striking how many season 3 elements and callbacks episode 100 had. I think it is rather poignant how Mon-El’s coversation with Kara about Lena seems incredibly close to the season 3 conversation where he tells her not telling is a sacrifice (then again, since this is supposed to mostly be a Mon-El from exactly that time in history, it would also just make practical sense). 

Though I will say, I don’t think that it is as straight and easy as Kara’s identity conflicts being resolved. It’s not as much that the writers dropped this particular theme or topic. They kept on using it, they spin it into a different direction. Kara’s identity as an alien on earth after all is another angle to Kara’s identity conflicts. As is when Alex gets her memory wiped. Even the conflict with Lena in season 5 is also a conflict about identity and of duty versus personal relationships. All of Red Daughter (even though that is another story that was handled badly) just screams about being an identity story (who are you really, who are you when X is removed). But it is possible that the writers consider this particular facet of Kara’s identity conflict (earth versus Argo) as closed. It happened. It is done. Kara chose earth and Alex (Kara Danvers is my favorite person, My whole life is here,  Balancing Kara and being a hero, that’s…That’s who I am,  everything that makes me me is here., This is my home.). It’s just surprising then that those scenes still play out so melancholy. The melancholy is even still there in the sister scene. 

This is the face Kara makes when she says that this is her home and that things will be fine. (really makes me wonder what the scene directions for this scene were for the actresses)

(especially if you compared that with the smiles and the loving expression in her eyes at the end of episode 100 which also ends with Kara reaffirming her dedication to Alex and J’onn

It’s thematically a very similar scene, but it doesn’t play out with the kind of melancholy that is there in the end of season 3 scenes) 

There is nothing wrong with Kara embracing earth over Argo and being a Kryptonian. But if she does, shouldn’t it be a joyous occasion? A happy, life affirming choice, for all the people she loves on earth? 

Instead the fact that Kara looks melancholy when she makes this choice makes it feel unfinished, like a compromise. Just like Mon-El returning to the Legion doesn’t feel like a triumph, him going where he belongs and wants to be, it feels like a sacrifice he is making. 

Those choices feel unhappy and that’s why they are bad. Not because choosing earth is inherently bad, not because choosing the Legion is bad. 

If they wanted this choice to be something final and happy, there are so many ways that could have played out differently. It could have been, I don’t know, Alex, Lena and James being in danger in the final episode and Kara has to decide between saving them and going ahead with Mon-El and Alura. Maybe Mon-El and Alura encourage her to go, they will be fine, they have powers. Kara rushes off to save her human friends and later Alura tells Kara she can tell Kara’s heart is here with her friends and loved ones, encourages her to stay here and assures her that Alura and Argo are fine without her. 

Instead it feels like the writers refused to break with the original themes of season 3, but then refused to follow them up (or at least this particular thread, even if Mon-El was gone, either by his choice or theirs, the needs of Argo versus the needs of earth could have been a theme they continue, but maybe they just felt it didn’t fit with the ideas they had for the next season). 

The side effect of not breaking in a more final way, closing them in a more final way makes those threads feel really unfinished, like it is a choice “for now” but maybe there will be a better compromise in future, makes the shift away from those threads feel really harsh. The transition would have been smoother if Mon-El had at least gotten a few mentions and maybe Alura would have gotten a few small guest appearances, rather than Mon-El getting basically no mentions and Alura getting only mentions. 

[acelezz]

My Experience With Internalized Homophobia

I know that I haven’t been making that many posts lately, but I would like to announce that as of like a month ago, I officially came out to everyone in my life. It was a long journey and I’m glad that’s over and that nothing has changed. My coming out story is nothing special so I’d rather talk about something that is more interesting: my battle with internalized homophobia.

I first heard the word “gay” when I was 8-years-old. It was said on George Lopez and when I asked what the word meant, my mom told me. At first, I was very repulsed. I’ll admit it: I used to be a bit homophobic growing up and I’m very ashamed of it. I’ve always believed in being kind to others so it was never to a gay person’s face. I would just make comments when it was just all straight people and this went on for awhile but it wasn’t something that I did every day; just when the topic was mentioned. For instance, in 7th grade, two of my girl classmates were outed as a couple and although I had been suspecting that bc the one girl was obviously gay, I made a disgusted face when my one friend told me about it and did the same thing when she told me that another friend of hers was bi and was with a girl once. 

At first, I thought “Ok, maybe I used to be like this because I was young and didn’t know that I was gay yet and was just being introduced to gay people after not knowing about them for so long.” Nope. Completely incorrect because lets compare this to my reaction with finding out about trans people. I remember it very clearly: it was when Caitlyn Jenner had just come out. My cousin was staying with us for the weekend and her and my mom started talking about how her coming out documentary was airing that night. I remember asking what it meant to be transgender as my mom was driving us. She explained what it meant. I’ll admit, my reaction was not the best as some of my questions were ignorant but I was still young as I was still only in middle school. But my tone wasn’t nasty; I genuinely wanted to learn more about what it meant to be trans. My mom explained it the best she could as a cis woman and then that night, my parents let us watch the documentary.

Now, I do not know much about Caitlyn Jenner but what I do know is that she probably is not the best trans person to idolize as she has had some controversial moments, but I really do have to admit one thing: my initial understanding and acceptance of trans people came from what her coming out documentary taught me. Initially, I thought that people may wanna be trans if they are gay and are facing too much homophobia and wanna change their sex to avoid discrimination but boy, was middle school me painfully wrong in so many ways 😂. Caitlyn Jenner taught me that transgender people whose gender identity doesn’t match up with their biological sex. Also, that people who crossdress aren’t transgender necessarily. When she transitioned, I wonder if this meant that she liked men now but she answered that for me as well. She taught me that trans people can be any sexuality just like cis people. 

Obviously, my trans knowledge has since expanded but I learned a lot that day and took it in with acceptance. Now, keep in mind that I am gay and cis. When I first learned about being gay, I was a bit disgusted even though my family told me that it was okay. When I first learned about trans people, I was accepting and understanding from day one. Clearly, I was battling internalized homophobia. Obviously, this didn’t come from my family as they were accepting. I believe it was because I knew that not everyone accepted it and that deep down inside, I was scared that no one would accept me. 

Let’s trace back to when I said that when I was young, I had no idea that I’m gay. The only reason that I didn’t know was that because I was so deep in denial that I convinced myself that I wasn’t. Shortly after I found out what gay meant, coincidently, I started to have urges to kiss girls. At first, I thought that it was because I had just learned what it meant to be gay but little did I realize that I was starting puberty.

Now, this inner battle went on for YEARS. I remember that when I was twelve, I first learned what it meant to be bi because I was watching a “Whatdaya Want From Me” lyric video and as you all know, Adam Lambert is gay and someone in the comments was saying how they loved him and his music and said how they are bisexual. I thought that I had a crush on a boy before in 4th grade and one on my friend’s cousin in 7th-8th grade but those were no crushes 😂 If anything, I just really wanted to be friends with them and had never had a real crush on anyone before so I mistook platonic crushes for romantic ones. So in the back of my mind, I kept on saying to myself, “you’re bisexual.”

6th-7th grade was the most unhappy time of my life tied with October 2019-today(big thanks to my family problems and miss rona) because I was constantly argued with myself in my head and it didn't help that I had family problems at this time as well. It got so bad that in 7th grade, I just genuinely hated myself so much that I hated going to sleep at night bc I hated being alone  with my own thoughts (similar to this year but this year it was just all external forces and nothing with myself at all). I was just very miserable and felt really caged from silencing my gay thoughts that I hated that I had. Then I eventually found the song “Let Me Be Myself” by 3 Doors Down and it saved me. It’s as if it was directed towards my own conscious, telling me to be myself and let all of my thoughts flow without arguing with them. Whenever I found myself hating myself, I’d just scream this song in my head and it was so relieving. It made me feel like I was standing up to my own self and it made me feel more free.

Now, there is a reason why I didn’t accept myself as gay or bi in 8th grade. I don’t get crushes much and I literally only saw my friend’s cousin once and found out that he had a gf so, I thought I was asexual for a whole year although I was happily devouring Girl Meets World fanfics that were all just RileyxMaya(I’ll never forgive Disney for not making Rilaya happen and for cancelling the show so early on). This is when I stopped being so homophobic and more accepting. I honestly thought it was bc of all of my LGBTQ+ classmates and bc of their kindness, I learned that I needed to be more of an ally. I mean, I did learn a lot just from watching those classmates, but that wasn’t it, fam. I truly thought that I enjoyed wlw fanfics because I thought that the stories were cute and that the couples were nice together. While that was true, someone who’s just an ally wouldn’t enjoy that many gay stories and read as many and devour them like I did. Not to go off topic, I did start doing that in 7th grade so that is probably another reason why I labeled myself as bi in the back of my head then, but in 8th grade, saw myself as ace bc it’s not like I had a crush on Riley or Maya. I just really shipped them and REALLY enjoyed any wlw fanfic on Wattpad. For some reason, the fact that I didn’t have any crushes that year made me think that I was ace which is totally untrue bc I’m about to hit my one year anniversary of not having a crush (but I’m going to a new school so that’s probably gonna change next month lol)

When I stopped arguing with myself in my head for good and allowed my thoughts to flow freely, I was truly happier although I was still questioning myself. I learned that questioning is so much easier when you consider those thoughts in the back of your head instead of fight them because I did question myself for much longer, but it was pleasant and a self-discovering journey.

I remember my first crush on a girl clearly. I was 15 and at first, I didn’t know that it was a crush bc it was actually my first crush and I didn’t know what it was supposed to feel like. I was obsessed with her and constantly thought about her and constantly wanted to be with her. I remember getting really nervous whenever I knew that I was going to see her. I remember that I used to talk about her all the time. Let’s call her K. I remember my mom saying, “L, do you like K?” And I got all nervous and denied it. The moment I realized when it was indeed a crush was when it got to be too much so my mom had a talk with me and I told her about how K made me feel and so my mom was like, “L, that’s a crush.” and I just sat there and said, “oh, crap!” and that’s how I semi-came out.

I still struggled for awhile after that. I knew I wasn’t straight and that I had a crush on a girl, but it was a hard pill to swallow that people could hate me for something that I can’t help. Although that “oh, crap!” was probably a dead giveaway,  it wasn’t an official, “oh, I guess that means that I’m not straight”. I kept it to myself for awhile and didn’t hate myself for it, but still couldn’t quite process it. 

I probably have an unusual self-acceptance story. I didn’t truly accept myself until months later when I got bored and decided to see if the new Nickelodeon was any good and of course, stumbled upon the Loud House. I eventually found the episode “L is For Love” and fell in love with the show. I had never seen good bisexual representation before and it really did help that it was a girl my age at the time too. I felt like I could really relate to Luna with how she was nervous to confess her feelings to Sam and how everyone treated her like she was no different made me really accept myself. It made me realize that friends and family matter the most and all of mine were accepting of LGBT (at the time and I’ll explain what I mean in a second) and that I had nothing to worry about because they’ll always love me. 

It did take me a couple of months to come out to my parents after that because although I knew they’d accept me as they said they would always love me even if I was gay. Coming out is just a scary process even if you know they’ll accept you because you feel like you’re exposed because it’s something that you kept to yourself for so long. My parents telling me that did make it way easier to come out to them so props to them for doing that right. I feel like it’s so important to tell your kids from a young age that you’ll accept them if they’re LGBTQ+ because even if you were never homophobic, coming out is scary and they may worry that you are homophobic but just never brought up the topic. 

It took me so much longer to come out to my friends because for one, I promised myself that I’d tell my family first and also, when I was 16 and had just finally accepted myself as bisexual(even though I’d later realize that I’m just gay, but it was a good start), I became best friends with these girls who were kind of homophobic. We’ll call them GH and GS. GS had found my rilaya fanfics on wattpad from 8th grade and we had just become friends, so I lied and said that it had nothing to do with me, I was just supportive. GS didn’t care but she stopped reading the book and thought that since I was comfortable enough to share my opinions on the subject, that she’d share hers. Not the most homophobic comments, but she made it clear that she didn't like it too much but that she didn’t hate gay people and that she recognized that others don’t share her opinions. GH was more harsh about her opinions which scared me the most. I feel like I should mention that I have two other Christian friends. I wasn’t as worried about them since we never really talked about LGBTQ topics but they do go to the same church as GH and GS, which made me a bit worried. Imagine finally being ready to come out of the closet all of the way just to be scared into staying in there for a few more years. 

This made me feel conflicted bc these girls didn’t constantly preach their beliefs and never bashed on LGBTQ people, but I was afraid that if I came out to them, they wouldn’t accept me. I should mention that they’re very religious Christians and I noticed that homophobic Christians come from a place of love bc they are so brainwashed that they think that shoving their beliefs down people’s throats helps them bc they believe that what they believe is the only right way to live and there's nothing wrong with being religious, but they are very mislead about LGBTQ+ people. I literally saw this when I was 14 and I stood up to my Baptist cyber friend who cyberbullied a lesbian and he admitted that he thought that he was helping her and that he didn’t think that it was bullying. Bullying is never ok and so I blocked him and only learned that from an apology letter that somehow made its way to me through another cyber friend.

I am going to say something that some of you may not agree with. I honestly don’t care if people don’t like that I’m gay as long as they don’t vocalize it. Like I don’t like spiders but I recognize that my dislike is irrational as they play a huge part in our ecosystem and are important to this world, just as every single person is. I wish that people who are against LGBTQ bc of their religion just would recognize that it’s irrational as everyone has different beliefs and would just keep that to themselves. If they just kept that to themselves, I would have came out so much sooner and I bet a lot of people can relate to that. I’ll never understand the dislike as I’m catholic and was taught that it’s okay but respect and kindness is better than outward hatred and is a step towards more acceptance in this world. 

Anyways, after awhile of being in the closet with my friends, I decided I would tell them once we graduated and not in the middle of the school year since if anyone was mean, I could literally just block them and never have to see them again instead of having to switch friend groups and still having to see their faces every day in class and in the hallways. Also, I did go through a period of questioning myself and did not want to tell them until I had a clear label. When I was 17, I got another massive crush on another girl and I realized that I never really did have crushes on boys as those “crushes” do not even begin to compare to the ones that I had on girls. I then finally realized that I'm just lesbian and with school being shut down, I came out sooner than I intended which is good. 

I wish that I would have came out to my friends sooner. Everyone was so accepting, including my christian friends and the two girls that I had massive crushes on. It was a relief that they all accepted me because I feared that they wouldn’t. I really discussed my fears with my religious friends but with my crushes, I knew that they were both accepting of LGBTQ+ as they both had gay friends and only said nice things about gay people, but I was afraid that they would figure it out that I used to like them with how clingy I was with the both of them, especially the second one(let’s call her LM), and would become uncomfortable around me.  I have no idea if either of them figured it out but K showed her support when I came out on insta and left a nice comment and LM liked the post and didn’t make any comments about it but since has shown an a bit of an interest of becoming closer friends with me again since we stopped talking as much since we didn’t have any classes together this year.

I never told either about my feelings but if they figured it out, they must have realized that I was only such a clingy friend bc I was crushing on them and didn’t know how to show it properly bc I was closeted so it came out as that. Also, they probably have both realized that I am over them now as I am not clingy with them at all, making them realized that I have changed and have realized that I learned that I shouldn’t be so clingy as it can be really annoying as I’ve been on the receiving end of that before. Also, I have to say I don’t think that either of them ever liked me. I was just so deep into my fantasies that I created false realities. I mean, I think they both like boys. I’m not saying that they can’t be bisexual, but I feel like they have accepting friends so at least I would have found out by now especially after coming about bc I’ve had 2 ppl come out to me as bi after I came out. What I’m saying is that I’m happy bc I would rather crush on accepting girls who don’t like me back than homophobic girls. Now that I don’t like them anymore, I realized that K and I are good as just acquaintances and that I want to become better friends with LM bc when I talk to her now, I feel as if I’m talking to my best friend M and I’ve always seen M as a sister. 

About my christian friends, I was happy that we got to stay as friends. I was so scared that I would lose them bc they are wonderful people. I came out to them separately and they were all very accepting. It kind of made me realize something about them. Perhaps they too are struggling bc they are being brainwashed into thinking that it’s a sin to be gay but they don’t seem to believe it exactly. I feel like I always see the best of people when I’m alone with them bc ppl feel comfortable to be their true selves around me and I noticed that my christian friends talk differently when we are talking one-on-one. It’s almost as if they change themselves and what they talk about to look like “good christians” as if they seek their own church’s approval in front of one another and it’s sad.

Sorry that this turned out to be so long. I just have really changed over the past decade or so and I’m really proud of how I became a better person and what I learned about myself and the lessons that I learned along the way. I learned to be myself no matter what and I hope that everyone learns that at some point, especially my christian friends that I mentioned bc you should never put on an act to be accepted. You’ll be much happier when you realize that your true friends and family are the ones who love you for you because you’re amazing just the way you are.

[shametheshadow]

It's been a while. A lot of shit's been going on since I was last kinda active. Sorry, I dont remember how to hide this under a read more line... feel free to scroll past if you arent in the mood for existential whinging. I got a new job and it's pleasant. The people are nice. It's still food, but it's at a fancy restaurant where the management actually cares and tries to keep their crew happy. The hours could be better and I'm currently sick of salads with how many I've made. They give hours based on reliability and if you're a hard worker who is nice to work with. But like... everybody is nice and hard working so it's hard to just muscle in sometimes. But on the positive side I've dropped ten pounds, probably thanks to how light my wallet is. Had an issue with my little brother. Well, there's been an unspoken issue for years that I've been trying to just give him space on, but it finally came to a head. I called him out and he said some pretty hurtful things. I saw him on Christmas, but it wasnt the same. I think it kind of damaged something between us, or at the very least it certainly has me. I think, as people, we build these pillars of absolute truths into our identities. The things we know without a doubt, that we can rely on to stay true even when things are bad. Like, that the sky is blue or that a parent we have will always love us. When those truths are shaken they really make you wonder what else could be wrong or if there was ever any truth in it to begin with. For me, no matter how bad I felt or hated myself, I knew I could be a good sister. I'd throw myself down for it. I have done so, unfortunately, many times before. We all see the world a little differently, so my truth may not be the truth someone else sees. I dont know whether that makes it any better, but I certainly feel unsure about more things now than I used to. Some days I even feel like giving up on our relationship. I'm just too tired, too worn down, and I don't think I can handle being called a failure again. Which sucks, because I dont really want to. I just want to know how to fix it, even though I'm not sure I have any more energy to try again if it's just going to lead to another failure. And on top of all of that my bio dad and all those siblings are tasting the bitter consequences of their actions. My youngest sister got taken away from her parents because instead of breaking up and being adults about it they have to be petty and cowardly. One has unchecked anger issues mixed with plenty of excuses and the other thinks she's owed some sort of respect despite her immature actions. Thing is, I've had plenty of talks with my bio dad about the effects their toxic relationship have on his 6 year old daughter. He knows. He isnt stupid or blind. He'd just rather keep it going despite everyone's unhappiness and dig a deeper hole so he doesn't have to risk losing custody of his daughter if they break up. And here we are now. With his daughter taken away and given to our 21 year old sister who doesn't have a clue. And they've failed to regain custody once already. And you know the fucking hilariously tragic part of it? Me and my sister Des are the only two without some sort of record so nobody else in the family can help. Just a fucking warning for any teens out there who think being a gangster is cool, life always has consequence. Doing drugs, selling pills, pimping, stealing cars, assault, having unregistered weapons... my family has probably done just about anything. Apparently my bio dad's stepfather even threatened to shoot my grandma once. There's an argument to made about the environment they all grew up in, but I really wish people would just have the self awareness to realize that things will always find a way to bite you in the ass and it's it big enough then it'll get the people around you too. I normally get my sister on weekends, but I need to work Saturdays as a requirement for my employment. I try to cut it short so I can be there when they drop her off, but half the time they dont and send her somewhere she isnt supposed to go. I'm risking my job trying to be there when I'm needed, just for them to change their mind at the last second because I wasnt home soon enough. They'd rather risk losing our sister to the system by breaking the rules. CPS doesn't play around. I've had to tell them two or three times that I couldn't take our sister because I was sick or dealing with some really stressful family stuff that Koral didnt need to be there to see. Every time I feel like the punishment is that they stop letting me see her by not bringing her over anymore. Then out of the blue they call on a weekday and ask if I can take her because she has a day off or something. I have never once said no but every time it sends me into an anxiety attack because I can't handle being kept in the dark until they need me. It's got me so worked up that sometimes I genuinely wish I had never been told my dad wasnt my real dad. Of course, I know that by knowing I can help a little girl who needs help, but I wont lie and say that I never wished I didn't have time deal with any of it. I got the news today that my bio dad is in trouble for something else, though they wouldn't say what. So they arent going to give him custody until that's settled at the very least. Shortly into it my sister had asked me to take over the guardianship. I was so out of the loop that I thought the question was absurd. I thought they'd pull it together and get her back in a short time, so what would the point of moving her to another town and school be? How would I go about that? What would the home requirements be? Would I be able to provide for the both of us? I wouldn't be able to leave work until 4 at the earliest shift, so would after school stuff be best or daycare? There's so much that goes into taking care of a kid to just spring that question onto someone. Now it's been four or five months and I'm hating the idea that she's stuck there in the middle of it all more and more. People keep telling me I should take her. Even my manager after I broke down and told him everything after my sister's call left me a mess at work, said that I would be the better option. I know what it's like to be fought over in custody battles and I understand way too well the fear of being taken away from your home as well as what it's like to change schools. I dont want that for Koral. I dont even know if I would be the better option. I talked to my cousin, whom I live with, about it for a while last night and she said she wouldn't be opposed to having Koral with us... but I feel bad making this her issue too. I want what is best for my sister. She's way too smart. You know when unqualified pet owners get a dog breed that is really smart and they struggle to meet the needs to keep it entertained so it just makes trouble? That is what my sister is like. My family has their strengths, but Koral is 6 and could run circles both physically and mentally around them. It might be "funny" now, but Lansing itself is a shitty influence on people and by the time she's a teenager and wants to go to a party, nothing is going to keep her from getting out short of bars on the windows and doors. The only thing stopping her from doing it now is motive. But would I do any better? I genuinely dont know. I wish I could talk to my brother about it. He knows where I come from and, even if he thinks I failed, he could at least tell me how to be better so I dont fuck up again for a little girl who is in a situation similar to one we were in. I asked Des today if she wanted to talk to their case worker about transfering guardianship. She said she's have to talk to her dad... which is bullshit. He lost the right to dictate where Koral goes when he fucked up. How is he supposed to be motivated to fix this if the only thing that has changed is that she doesn't sleep in her bedroom anymore? He shouldn't see her when he wants to or be able to say what happens to her. And I dont say that because I think he shouldn't ever be able to, because I want him to step it up, I just feel like he wont if things keep going as they are. I dont want to lose my sister to the system. Supposedly the social worker said that Koral also has to stay in the same school and can't see anyone not on the already approved list of people for the sake of consistency... but that's stupid. I know that changing schools can be traumatizing, and if Lansing was a good place to live and raise a kid, then maybe I'd try to make that work, but it isnt. So it makes me wonder that if I came to the table with a clearly stable, appealing plan would they change their minds? If it were my choice, I'd have her in therapy to help deal with everything, maybe a sport like gymnastics or whatever else she might be interested in to keep her engaged. I'm planning a kids d&d session for her and another kiddo that she plays with when she's here because last time she found my monster manual and got obsessed. And I know it wont be all good. She's a handful and a brat, and she can be a force of nature when she doesn't get her way, but I've been an older sister since I was five and my family didnt out up with bratty behavior. I know how to deal with it, and I also know how to use the internet and other resources to learn. Hell, I live with a child therapist/youth minister. I know I could do it. Even if it ended up being a permanent thing. I'm torn between the fear of not being enough at the expense of my sister's wellbeing and knowing that I'd gladly twist myself into a pretzel to try and do right. But when it comes to other people, especially a kid, is trying enough? Good intentions don't equal a quality of living. So yeah, that's where I am right now. Trying to be better and figure out who I am while also being incredibly stressed out and lost. If you read through this, thank you for listening to this TED talk. I'm open to advice.

[en241]

Wednesday, 22 April

Extra Textra 

Here are your Questions & Comments on The Sweater.  But first, my assignment for Friday:

Please watch The Sweater again. This time, instead of watching for the maturation plot, consider the identity problem (the adult’s recognition that they were once someone different, as well as the child’s recognition that adults are different from who they are -- and that someday they too will be an adult). 

Also, try try try to look beyond the didactic reading to the subversive reading; beyond the lesson reading to the message reading. Flip the burger. What if the kid is actually the mature one? No really. The one with fresh batteries in his bullshit detector. (You’ll enjoy the story much more the second time! Have fun!)

Now, on to the comments:

I thought that by the end of the film, the kid would learn a moral lesson like what his mother told him but he didn't. It just ended with him in the church praying that his sweater got eaten by moths. It felt a bit like a letdown but I understand since kids are like that. He is very immature while the mother is the opposite. She is very mature. This makes sense, as adults are usually the mature ones. The kid acted like a typical child. He didn't care about morals he just wanted the right sweater. I think if the film extended beyond 10 minutes, we would see the child eventually mature and realize that what the mother said was correct. 

This was definitely cheerier!I can appreciate how well the introduction is able to portray the overall concept despite it not being in English.Like in Treasure Island there is this idea of a role model or someone to aspire too. Where Long John Silver and Billy Bones were not necessarily healthy role models for a young boy, this hockey player seems much more innocent.Not going to lie, the part where the priest comes in to play was a little weird and kind of did not fit with the narrative in my opinion.It reminds me of the discussion we had about "Where the Wild Things Are" and the idea of teaching lessons through narrative. While WTWTA does so in a less obvious way, "The Sweater" is obvious in its message. The idea of respect and consideration comes into play when the mother explains that if the boy would not wear the blue sweater that Mr. Eaton's feelings would be hurt. The boy is punished for if he does not wear the sweater just as much as if he does which is where this story kind of loses me. The church scene comes off as a kind of easy way out.A salvation story maybe, I don't know this one was a little odd for me.

I believe that was a very good illustrated video. I really enjoyed the story line as well. My first reaction to the video was this kid is just like everyone else. They love the game and love the player. Once the video continued it seemed he was ungrateful. The player everyone looks up to actually took the time to send him something. He did not want the sweater because he did not fit in with the rest of the kids. He did not value what he received because it was not what he wanted. The kid having a blue sweater also showed a form of discrimination. They did not let him play in the game because of the color of his sweater. They did not consider who gave it to him and how much that person meant to him. In relation to our maturation plot, I feel he never made it to that second house. He got lost in the woods and is still trying to find his way.

In watching this video, that character never matured. He still in the end refused to be happy with what he had. In a way, this is what happens in many children's books. Children are never happy with what they are given and just wish everything would work out for them. This is similar to "Where the Wild Things Are." Max just got his way in the end. He was not happy about what happened and what he was given, so he left. When he come back, he was the same as before and was even given his meal after all he had done. In the end, this character is not maturing. He is staying near the very low levels on the mature-meter. 

Moving onto the short story on youtube there's a lot of things happening with this boy, but I think this short story mostly relates to the secret garden because of the effect of negative thinking. I didn't come to this conclusion until he got the wrong sweater and spoke a lot of negativity into existence which brought him a lot of trouble the following time wearing the sweater like getting benched, getting a penalty, breaking his hockey stick then getting yelled at by his mom. His mom said “if you make up your mind before you try it you wont go very far in life,” and “its not what you put on your back its what you put in your head.” I’m stuck between feeling like she’s a wise lady and meant well by writing the letter and getting her son the sweater, and feeling like she noticed how unhappy he was and she could’ve written another letter so he could get the right one but if that happened then he would never learn. 

"The Sweater" is a story about a young boy who started out being a part of a group of boys all wearing the same red white and blue hockey sweater. The group mentality ruled and each individual couldn't see their identity beyond the group. When the boy received the new sweater and was forced to wear it, marked a changing point in his life. He had live with the embarrassment and disgrace of not being like the rest of the group. He had to mature so that he could break away from the group mentality and find his own individual identity.  The mother in the story the driving force because she refused to to return the sweater and made him wear it. You can't get angry and lose your temper. Growing up means taking what you have and learning from it. At the end this boy's efforts were symbolically rewarded by a handshake from the treasured hockey player. 

Well, the video left me at a cliff hanger. I feel as if the lesson wasn't executed very well and had a very abrupt ending . I am not entirely sure what exactly the lesson was,  there could've been a few such as teaching children the importance of not idolizing objects, a healthy balance between your thoughts and your friends. But I do also agree that this could teach adults a lesson, at the end of the video this big scary lady tells him to go to the church and pray for forgiveness and he prays for his shirt to be eaten up by bugs. Sometimes as adults we do a lot of finger-pointing and give a lot of chores and we don't really get that full instruction on how a child should go about it and why which creates a huge gap leading into a place for miscommunication. 

(that’s actually the town priest, wearing his surplice)

After watching the short film "The Sweater" I would like to address the concept of a maturation plot in relation to the short film's storyline. The film portrayed the boy as one who is ungrateful with the gift he received from his mother. This is definitely a realistic possibility for children who do not get what they want. As the story progresses he becomes so concerned with what others will think about him because he did not maintain the socially accepted appearance. This is also a reality for many in society. Just when I thought he would go to church and realize that he was being ungrateful, he instead prayed for the sweater to be taken from him. He failed in his own maturation. This is why I do not see the story having any sort of maturation plot.

The boy did continuously look up to an adult figure as his idol however he did not act as an adult but rather maintained his childish ways. He did not display any sort of personal growth throughout the story but considering his age (10), this is expected.

The plotline of the story set the viewer up to think that after the boy went to church to pray for his sins, but then twisted it and didn't actually resolve the problem at hand. I thought this was interesting because most of the children's literature we have covered resulted in growing, maturing and/or learning some type of lesson throughout the story. I also found it interesting that throughout all of the material we have covered, the children have looked up to and admired an adult figure of some sort and aspired to be like them (coming of age/growing into an adult) and this still reigns true for this story as well (a common theme throughout each reading).

I think the short film was good and the accent was a little hard to understand in the beginning. It seems to me like someone walking into a high school, wearing a rivals team jersey then being shunned. There is a lesson in it and I caught on. I wonder why children shun others, even if it is a rival. Everyone should still talk to you, because it is your preference on what you like. No one should discourage you from something you love.

In this story, the children all wanted to be someone else. Often times children want to be someone famous and well known. This is what the children do in this story. They are looking for a form of identity that all children look for. They never understand that they are all different and that even though they can all be the same person their is nothing wrong with being different. Children look for identity and when they find it, they cling to it. This is what the main character did. The adults in the story have a form of identity but they are not fully aware of it yet. Some laugh at the child for his reaction to the sweater. It shows that even when you become an adult, you still struggle with identity. The lesson in the story at first seems to be don't be different and that children often struggle in accepting that they will grow and change. The reader would learn the lesson of how people will always try to be like others and society often ridicules people for this, but also ridicules them for being different. 

[that-was-anticlimactic]

Ninjago Be More Chill AU

This is really long whoops guys I have so many Ninjago BMC headcanons y’all have no idea. This won’t leave my head especially since I’ve been seeing some great BMC / Ninjago stuff recently mmm

Who would be who?

Jay as Jeremy:

Okay so like that not original but, Jay gives off such Jeremy vibes! Jay is really self-conscious, as we see in s1 ep8, aka his true potential episode, as we see in season three with the love triangle, and as we can see in season six with the fact that he knowingly makes wishes to “better himself” from Nadakhan. Jeremy also does some things he regrets, some things that come off kind of creepy and not okay, like what he did to get with Christine, luckily, he realizes that, and it’s one reason why most people don’t think they end up staying together. Jay had a few not necessarily okay and kind of creepy actions towards Nya, again specifically in season six, also a little in season three. But, Jeremy is an all around good person, he didn’t intend to hurt anyone and neither did Jay. Jeremy took the SQUIP, which gave some pretty bad advice much like how and why Jay made wishes from Nadakhan. Jeremy is also awkward and fidgety, again, Jay traits. He ditches his best friend for a girl (kind of season three?) but ends up apologizing and trying to make up for it (kind of season four). Not to mention, Loser Geek Whatever is such a Jay song.

Cole as Michael:

Okay so, this is kind of a popular one but? So Michael Mell is the free spirited, I’ll do what I want and if you don’t like it well leave me alone kind of guy. He’s more closed off towards others, but he’s one of the best best friends a guy could have. Cole isn’t as free spirited as Michael, per say, especially with his father, but in the end he can be. Cole doesn’t necessarily care what others think of him all the time (though he does in season 5 after turning into a ghost and kind of in season 3 because of the love triangle and my take on it). Most people in the fandom associate Cole and Jay as best friends, yet another reason why Cole is a good Michael. In the Jay / Jeremy description, I put some blame on Jay / Jeremy for hurting Cole / Michael, but they messed up too. Michael, while being the best friend, knew that Jeremy was unhappy and knew he wanted more, he chose to ignore that. When Michael approached Jeremy at the Halloween party, yeah he had good intentions but he didn’t do it the best way, and heck yeah, not helping Jeremy who was clearly under the control of the SQUIP at the play until he got an apology was a trashy move. Cole’s messed up too. He shouldn’t have tried anything with Nya, and in the way I view the love triangle, it makes more sense as to why, but he knew how much Jay cared about Nya and he knew that “pursuing” her was bad, but he did it anyway. He ignored what he knew about Jay for his own good (Michael ignoring Jeremy wanting more to keep him as his best friend). Cole also did some crappy things in response to what Jay did in Skybound. Sure Skybound is a little ooc and not always the best, but, hey, I’m proving a point haha. Cole and Jay shared unfair words with each other as well, but they made up for it. Michael went to the play and brought the Mountain Dew Red, Cole gave up the jade blade in Tournament and went back for him in Skybound even though he felt hurt. Not to mention, I mean, their love for music (because even though not necessarily show canon, most people believe Cole has a deep love for music). Not to mention, I headcanon both of them as gay also. I also almost made Cole Christine just for Bruise but like... Michael Mell... also most people think it’s canon that Michael has feelings for Jeremy and I think that Michael like tries to kiss Jeremy in the revival during Two-Player Game sooo...

Kai as Rich:

Okay so, another obviousish one. Kai is one of the most self conscious people in the show, but one with more of a self destructive mode that can effect others. Rich, much like Jeremy, was unhappy and ambitious. He wanted more from himself and he genuinely cared about the way people viewed him (much like Jay and Jeremy). Even in the first season with Kai wanting to be the green ninja, we saw Kai trying to prove himself and prove himself but failing sometimes (aka his intense want to be the green ninja). Kai was also the first ninja to wish himself away in Skybound (again, not always the most credible but, still). Rich and Kai share a lot of similarities on that part. They also have a fierce protectiveness for what they care about. Kai is loyal. He is so insanely loyal and one of the best friends anyone could ask for, he is incredibly dependable. Rich is a good friend too. While he didn’t always have control over his actions, he truly cared for Jake and for his other friends. Heck, Rich set a fire to prevent the SQUIPs from spreading because he didn’t want his friends to go through this. Kai would also definitely set a fire to protect Lloyd and his friends. Kai and Rich are / were both insecure, but the both grow and I love them both. So much. Also sometimes they’re both angry boys and I headcanon Kai as bi and Rich is bi in canon just those lovely little things!

Lloyd as Jake:

This is where it began getting harder, but I will FIGHT FOR THIS ONE!! Let’s start with Jake. He’s the most popular boy in school, he does pretty much every activity and runs or plays an integral part in those activities. The school has standards for him that they in a sense expect him, popular boy Jake, to live up to. He mentions to Christine that he feels the need to be perfect to please everyone all the time and it’s so much pressure and it’s clear that he dislikes that. Not only that, but he says in Upgrade that: “my parents wont be home so it’s alright, they laundered money now their on the run. Which means the house is empty so that’s fun”. Jake has absent parents, he lives alone. He most likely absorbs himself in what he does to distract himself from his home life. Okay now, let’s talk about Lloyd. Lloyd is the green ninja. He did not choose this, he did not choose to have all of this happen to him. The world looks up to Lloyd. They depend on Lloyd. Lloyd’s teammates depend on him. The pressure this boy faces is incredible. He’s popular, yeah a lot of people like him, but the pressure and the expectations everyone has for him... well we’ve seen him snap a few times. Not to mention, LLOYD GREW UP WITH NO PARENTS! His dad was evil and his mom left him to try and make his dad not evil, he was alone. So, Lloyd distracted himself by trying to be evil and trying to get revenge on the tribes and people that wronged him and stealing and just he distracted himself with so many things so he wouldn’t have to focus on “my parents left me”. Jake and Lloyd both face absentee parents, both of which aren’t necessarily good (I mean... Jake’s parents are criminals and Lloyd’s dad is Lord Garmadon...), they both have so much pressure to be the best and be amazing and be popular and happy. They both have to be happy because you can’t be popular in school if you’re sad and you can’t save the world if you focus on your problems. You can’t lead after school activities or lead a team of ninja if you get too much in your head. These boys face a lot, a lot is expected of them, and sometimes, the things their parents do do effect them in ways they don’t see. Jake isn’t always the nicest. He knows Rich is a bully, he lets it happen. He called Jeremy a freak at the mall, he’s probably (I headcanon) a sweet guy, but his upbringing causes some problems, much like Lloyd’s (I mean... the first half of season one). Plus, they both have a best friend who would burn their house down to protect them (because let’s be real here, Rich burned it down to protect others by killing himself and Kai would burn the world for Lloyd) pLUS Jake broke his legs saving Rich and they got worse after the SQUIP made him walk on them and Lloyd broke his foot fighting his father and faced the Overlord with a broken foot. *mic drop* I rest my case.

Nya as Brooke:

okay so I feel like this is kind of a weird one, but like, hear me out. So, Nya as Brooke. My first thought when trying to figure out who Nya would be was, obviously, Christine. But when I think about it, I do see some Nya in Christine, I do, but I kind of see her a little more in Brooke. Let’s start with Brooke. Brooke is popular Chloe Valentine’s best friend, she’s, in a sense, a tool, but more than anything she just wants to belong. She wants to be popular, she wants to not only have her status, but to earn her status. She doesn’t just want it because she’s Chloe Valentine’s best friend, she doesn’t just want it because she’s dated a few popular guys, she wants that status because of who she is, which is one thing that makes her different than Jenna (I can say a lot more about that but I won’t get into it because I LOVE JENNA ROLAN). Brooke is sweet, she’s kind, but bruh she is fierce and she could probably destroy you if she wanted, maybe not in the same aggressive way as Chloe, which she grows into in the show. We see Brooke as the second best all of the time, always in Chloe’s shadow and she’s pretty insecure about it, and herself in general. She wishes to be more, she wishes for someone to love her as her and to have the right to speak her mind and to just be herself, which she gets near the end of the show as she begins sticking up for herself, and most people in the fandom believe that she becomes the right amount of assertive after the show. Now onto Nya. Nya is always second best, she’s always in the ninja’s shadow. She literally gave herself a false identity so she could be enough and more than “the girl”, “Kai’s sister”, “Jay’s girlfriend”, and “the smart girl”. Much like Brooke, she wants more. So she does it herself, which isn’t something Brooke has the courage to do until later, but then again Nya hid for awhile too. Nya can be sweet, she can be gentle, and yo this girl is fierce too. She often feels second best as well, second best to Kai, to the team… not to mention how she feels in season five, trying to get an understanding of her identity and her place in the team (as opposed to her place in school). Brooke gets mad too. She gets mad at Chloe when she wrongs her. She gets mad at Jeremy. Nya gets mad as well. She gets mad at Jay, she gets mad at Cole and Kai and honestly Nya’s probably gotten mad at all of the ninja at some point. But she can still defend herself, and it may have taken Nya some time for people to realize that and to be assertive enough to tell everyone that and freaking mean it, but she does it. Brooke gets the nerves to do that too in act two. Plus Brooke dates Jeremy at one point but then they break up and if I had made this Bruise wouldn’t it have fit perfectly?? I know this one is weird and maybe isn’t the best, but Nya and Brooke are both sweet, kind, and freaking fierce girls and I love. Also it just makes complete sense in my head. (Also I know Christine has this thing about discovering herself but... just read the last part...)

Some other ones I’m thinking for right now but won’t type because this is long enough as it is are: Pixal as Jenna Rolan, Skylor (or Harumi but mostly Skylor) as Chloe Valentine, and Nadakhan as SQUIP (though the Overlord was my original idea and does work… I’m liking this Nadakhan as SQUIP thing a whole heck of a lot as I started writing all of these descriptions…) and for the life of me, guys, I just can’t figure out Zane! Like maybe Zane as Christine, especially since Christine has this whole discovering who she is bit and it takes her and Zane awhile to figure out who they are and be comfortable with it, but I didn’t really want to go the Techno route here (nothing against Techno, it just doesn’t seem like a very BMC ship I don’t know… don’t get me wrong though, I LOVE TECHNO!) I mean I suppose Zane would be a rad Christine if we went the Boyf Riends shipping route with this… Anyways that’s all! Do you agree with any of these? If you have different opinions please tell me because I love headcanons so much and I would genuinely love to read them! If anyone wants to hear anymore BMC / Ninjago AU headcanons please lemme know because I honestly might post some more anyways for the heck of it because I want to because I love this okay love y’all bye!

[twdmusicboxmystery]

Music From Bounty and The Red Machete - Seriously Awesome! ;D

Okay guys, this won’t be terribly long today. Erm—at least not compared to my Details post on Wednesday, which was a monster. This is something I’ve been trying to get to since last week, and I’m super excited to share it, because it’s a pretty big deal. It has to do with three musical aspects of Bounty, 9x11. 

First, let me say there were two songs featured in this episode. It’s All Right Now, by Eddie Harris (this is the song Ezekiel played on the boombox to distract the walkers so they could go into the theater; it’s also the one we saw Jerry lip syncing and dancing to) 

and All My Dreaming by Emma Russack. This was played at the end when it showed everyone being happy together because the exchange went well. It’s still playing when Daryl realizes Henry has gone and goes to find him, and Connie goes with him.

It’s actually hard to find lyrics to either of these songs online, though there are youtube videos where you can just listen to them. Neither is difficult to hear and decipher.

I don’t have tons to say about the first song, It’s All Right Now. This is one of those songs where that line “It’s all right now,” is literally sung over and over and over again for the entire song. You hear the singers making other, extraneous comments (“Come on girl,” and Jerry’s “whoo!”) but there aren’t any other actual lyrics. So it’s a fairly happy, positive song, right? And I think it works for the Kingdomers at the theater because things go well for them. They had to fight a little harder than they’d planned to get the bulb, but they got it and nobody dies, which doesn’t happen all that often on the show.

But the one thing that really jumps out at me is when Diane comes into tell them that they have to hurry because the “boombox died” and the walkers will be coming back toward them. As in, the music died? And the music was the “it’s all right now” song. So that means it’s no longer all right.

Again, I think that works well for the Carzekiel in particular because, everything’s okay for them right now. Going better than expected, actually, since Alexandria will now be attending the fair. But if you’ve read spoilers, you know things are about to go terribly, terribly wrong.

But… we also know Beth was the song bird so I really think we can relate this back to her as well. Everything was all right, then the song bird died (compare to Henry spoilers) and then everything wasn’t all right. Also remember, this was the episode with the prisoner exchange, which had some ridiculous parallels to Grady. So yeah. That’s all I have to say about that.

Emma Russack’s All My Dreaming we can read into a little more. This song really only has one verse and we heard all of it in the show. (The rest of the song is just all the “oohs” we also heard in the show to tranquil music.) It’s really a very beautiful, calming song.

So here’s what it says:

All my dreaming, all my wishing

It hasn’t come through. Life’s just like that

And I don’t know what I am looking for

But when I find it, it will feel right.

I’ve dreamt of loving, I’ve wished for control.

It hasn’t come through, but I won’t push that

Maybe all that I’ve ever wanted

Is what I have now. That is all right.

Does that sound like Daryl or what? Especially the dreaming of love bit. And it works well with what he told Henry. He’s really not happy and doesn’t have what he wants, but life’s just shit sometimes and you live with it.

The other interesting thing is that everyone it shows during the playing of this song is fairly happy: Carzekiel, Magna’s group who are happy to have Luke back, Enid and Alden, Tammy and Earl with the baby, etc. The only unhappy ones are Daryl 

and Henry.

(Quick aside about the above pic of Daryl. Someone in my group (forget who) something very interesting. It looks similar to this pic from Still, 

Even if the light is a different color, it’s still behind him, silhouetting him. We also know that Beth was Daryl’s light (confirmed by Norman). So between that, and the prisoner exchange that just happened, you know he has to be thinking about her right here. Meanwhile, this song is playing…) 

So what does this mean? More than just a reminder of her, I think it shows the Whisperers and this whole thing with Henry will lead to her. More on that in a minute, but I’m once again going to argue the “domino shit” card here. Henry couldn’t live with the results of the prisoner exchange, which lead to Daryl going out after him, and that will lead to what happens the rest of the season. And I think it will lead to Beth in some way.

Okay, one final thing to talk about, which I actually this is the MOST exciting of the three. You guys are gonna love this. Again, I have to credit @wdway with this because I wouldn’t have thought of it. If you listen to the music that plays when Daryl takes Lydia outside the gates for the prisoner exchange, it’s very distinctive music. I think it’s a mixture of drums and some kind of horn, but it sounds like a very ominous drum roll.

@wdway said she thought it was the same music from The Red Machete. (Again, I wouldn’t have remembered that at all or thought to check.) But she’s right. If you want to compare, listen to the music playing specifically when Daryl takes Lydia out and has her by the arm. It only lasts a few seconds and then stops. 

Then get on Youtube and find The Red Machete. Listen to the last two minutes or so when it shows Legs come out and claim the red machete. It’s the EXACT same music. I think the Red Machete one has a faster tempo and sounds bolder (might just be a volume thing) but it’s still the same music.

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So we discussed what this meant. Does it mean Lydia is Legs? Well, we already discussed how Cassidy McClincy (who plays Lydia) has a body type a lot like Emily’s, so it’s possible. But I really don’t think so. For two reasons:

1. I think if she or even Alpha or Beta had the red machete, we’d have seen it by now. We would have seen it really early on because that would be a big deal to have one of them wielding Rick’s red machete. I doubt they’d wait so many episodes to be like, “oh, by the way…” It’d be more epic than that. I actually thought, from the trailer, that when it showed Alpha in the woods, obviously hiding a weapon behind her leg (it was when Luke and Alden saw her just before being captured) it might be the red machete. But it wasn’t. It was a double-barreled shot gun. So yeah, we really haven’t seen it yet and that’s important.

2. There’s still the fact that they hid Legs’s face/identity. We didn’t know who Lydia was back when the Red Machete aired. There was no reason to hide her face. It would have been better to show it so that when she showed up in the show, the audience would have been like, *gasp* “she has the red machete!” (gasp gif) In fact, they used that exact tactic with an earlier mini series that had to do with Fear. The first one they did showed the virus breaking out on a plane at the beginning. One woman survived and later showed up in Fear. They got that exact reaction. Audience: *gasp* “She was the lady on the plane!!!” So I think if Legs was Lydia, th ey would have done something similar to this. Instead, they hid Legs’s identity, and there’s just no reason to do that unless she’s someone we already know and would recognize.

So what does this mean? Well, I still believe Legs is Beth, but even putting that aside for a moment, the parallel music shows that something about this prisoner exchange will, as I said above about dominoes and leading to the rest of the season, also lead to Legs/the red machete.

But then we HAVE to circle back around to the parallels during the prisoner exchange, what Daryl says, this song that’s playing, all the Beth/Henry parallels this season, and of course the same ole stuff about how we saw her image twice in 9a. For me, it all still points very obviously to Beth being Legs—it kinda has to be—and this sequence leading to her in some way.

I don’t think Alpha or Beta has the red machete. I think Beth has it and will show up at some point in some way that has to do with the Whisperers.

Thoughts?

***Last minute addition: So this morning, before I got this posted, I noticed a post in my FB group. I didn’t want to add onto this because it would have taken longer (probably wouldn’t have posted until tomorrow) and it would have made it too long. But let’s just say @wdway found something that really has nothing to do with this Red Machete music parallel, but, in my mind, pretty much confirms what I’ve said here. It deserves it’s own post, and I’ll try to get to it next week. ;D ***

[lizzybeth1986]

Quick Thoughts on TRR Book 3 Chapter 11

• Again, fam, I'm not entirely sure I'll have this QT out in time but I hope I will. My surgery has been fixed for next Thursday, and I'd like to finish whatever I can before I leave for hospital. It's going to be hard, but fingers crossed I can get it done.

Here is Part 2 of Chapter 11's Quick Thoughts once you're through with this one!

• I'm noticing a narrative pattern here! Whenever something devastating is happening right in front of us (like the two attacks in the palace) they immediately pick up from where they left off in the previous chapter, bring that portion to its dramatic conclusion, and then play the opening theme (in this case, it's the sad version of the TRR title track). They used a similar narrative format in Chapter 1 of this book.

• This is also the third time the sad TRR track plays in the book. The only time it was played sans the narrative style of Chapter 1 and Chapter 10's openings, was in Chapter 6, after the orchard at Applewood was burned. All at points of time when all hope seems to be lost, before our lead characters get up, dust themselves off, and resolve to keep going despite everything and everyone against them.

• It was pretty clear that Constantine would sacrifice his life in this chapter, given the way he was talking at the end of the last one. It's the kind of symbolic send-off one tends to write for a character one knows will die sooner than he anticipates. Which is why even though I'm kinda pissed that Leo comes now when everything seems safe, I understand why having him there is so important. In the narrative, Leo is an important part of the closure that comes before Constantine's demise.

•

A few notes on Constantine's demise:

1. He's right about one thing: it definitely is a better end for him. He dies a hero. Cordonia never finds out that he was going to die anyway. No one gets to know what he did to the future Queen/newest Duchess either. I'm still going to be unhappy about this because it's a way better end than the man deserves.

2. I know I would find it disturbing if the man who arranged for me to be harmed in multiple ways in his own house was hailed a hero during his funeral, with only me and a handful of other people knowing he had done, and without the option of ever opening up about who was really behind it. I don't know about you, but my MC Esther would definitely feel conflicted about that.

3. Also..."everything I did, it was for you...whether or not it was right". Sorry Constantine, but that's a load of bullshit. After all this time, this man is still making excuses just before he dies. Liam answered this brilliantly in the last book - Constantine had a choice. He always had a choice. There were other, better ways of getting the MC out of the competition if that was his goal but no, his mind went straight to privacy violations and assault.

4. Also, while he pledged to help us under pressure from Liam, the fact remains that the brunt of his actions were borne by other people. The MC's name was dragged into the mud and SHE had to run around and make all the effort of setting it right. Liam was forced into a loveless match that would have culminated in a disastrous marriage had Tariq not cooperated, and he had to work on figuring out who was behind this not knowing his own family was involved. In all this, Constantine did all the work of making his own home as unsafe for his guest as it could possibly get, and very little of the work in restoring her reputation in the eyes of all of Cordonia. Did he apologize? Sure he did. But that doesn't change a damned thing. It doesn't change the fact that he sowed evil and left it for other people to reap.

5. I find his last line to Liam quite poignant though. "You are Cordonia". That's a very loaded statement, and a very accurate one. And I think if there is anything that can keep Liam strong and carry him forward, it's that. No one in this book is as immersed in the culture, history and spirit of Cordonia as Liam is - which is why he makes the best king for the nation. Because he knows it intimately and cares for it, he knows what this country needs so it can heal. Even if it takes a while for Liam to realize that himself.

6. So long, old man.

• Title: Cold Fire. Kinda fitting, considering our tour has now moved to Lythikos, but the 'heat' of the tensions within the court have turned up several notches. It could also refer to that sick, sick burn Drake delivered to Madeleine today though 😂😂😂

• Alternative titles:

Drink What Everyone Else Is Drinking. Good For Health.

Drake Doesn't Need A Sword to Slay Assholes. Nor Does Olivia, Apparently.

@callmetippytumbles suggested a shorter and better alternative title to that one, and it's: Drake Roasts And Gets Roasted.

• I was hoping we would spend at least a chapter in the Capitol and, yknow, actually help Liam work through his grief, but nope. Flash-forward it is.

• Bastien is in hospital now, with injuries sustained from escorting people out of the palace, so Mara (who apparently hasn't been sleeping since the attack) is the one doing the debriefing on his behalf.

• It's clear to Liam and our friends NOW that whoever has been conspiring against us was a part of the Unity Tour and working from the inside (bruh, I could have told you that long ago). I'm thinking now that if Neville is part of this plan, perhaps the duel was meant to serve as a distraction so arrangements could be made within the time that the entire court was out in the courtyard. Just a theory.

• This was also alluded to in Perfect Match, when one of Nadia's alternative identities is Steel, a guest in the 'royal's tour who is actually an assassin.

•

This is perhaps the closest we get to Liam confessing how much all this has been affecting him, and sadly enough, he doesn't have enough time to really work through his grief. The suggestion to continue to Lythikos and get their answers there comes from Liam, and he speaks of it as something Constantine would have wanted. It isn't entirely healthy, but I think this is the way Liam has been brought up and it's hard for him to give himself time to be vulnerable, to give himself the space to grieve properly. Because now more than ever he has an entire country depending on him, and the royal family is known for projecting displays of strength and stoicism even if they don't feel it. It's not a good way of working through one's issues, but it's probably the only way Liam knows to deal with his trauma. I feel like in a lot of ways he's reliving especially the assassination attempt that happened earlier, but worse because someone he loved actually died this time. I'd definitely see some signs of PTSD at work here, even if it's suppressed. Particularly given that he speaks of feeling empty.

•

Waitaminute...are you telling me that Esther, the future Queen of Cordonia, is going to attend a Ball, her fiancé's father's funeral, a meeting, and an entire trip to Lythikos in this fever dream of a costume???

Fine. Fine, Esther, I give up. Fanta bottle inspired Stephanie Seymour gown it is 🙄

• What Madeleine says about the effect the MC has (particularly if the MC chooses all the right options during the tour) on people is very very similar to the last thing Constantine said before he died:

I'm guessing in a lot of ways this is seen as the MC's personal victory. Constantine and Madeleine were the two people who believed least that the MC had anything of value to give if she became Queen or a person of power in Cordonian politics. It was a long hard road to achieving this level of confidence even in her naysayers, so in a lot of ways the MC now truly is a unifying factor. Which makes me wonder what they say if you do a gag-run instead where the MC fails miserably during the tour. I know @boneandfur is doing such a playthrough as of now, but I don't know exactly if Madeleine and Constantine's words to her change in such an eventuality.

•

OMG. The design team is KILLING IT with the OOTD this week! It's gorgeous, and it tells us plenty about the Lythikos duchy and the Nevrakis House! For those of you who haven't read my House Sigils essay, I theorized that red was one of the house tinctures (colours), and that the sigil was either a sword or a spider. The flaming sword is attached to the gown (possibly as a brooch pin). @i-dream-so-i-write and I discussed this, and it was she who pointed out that Diavolos signature weapon was the flaming sword, as can be seen from the above picture. I'm not sure which metallic colour would form the second colour/tincture, but evidence seems to be learning more towards silver (there is a little gold on the brooch-sword, so it could be either). Tldr: I love this gown. It has that grace and effortless style that I've come to associate with Nevrakis fashion.

• Olivia is wearing the gown she wore for her Coronation. Come to think of it, the Scarlet Duchess moniker that Olivia got would refer to way more than her fashion. Given that it's one of her house colours and she was proud to be a Nevrakis especially at the time, Scarlet Duchess would mean so much to her. So much.

• So we're seated in the front and served fresh, piping hot food. SWEET! XD This time we get to order stuff. Maxwell gets fondue, Hana gets glazed salmon and Drake has ordered for ribs.

• Olivia: I had to request a few changes for your more...rustic palette.

Drake: Are you expecting a thanks? Because you're not getting one.

You're in for the meal of your life, Walker 😂

•

If you've never liked Olivia at all before? This scene in reason enough 😂😂😂

• Lucretia drops by to make more heavy hints about marriage prospects for Olivia (including relief that her niece wasn't scarred from rubble. How...caring).

• Olivia and Liam then perform the opening dance (like they did during the social season) and Liam takes this opportunity to find out what she knows. He gets little, beyond her worries about having to marry someone Lucretia will pick for her. Hana points out that perhaps "one has to wonder who Lucretia wants Olivia to marry". Good question.

• But before that, Kiara comes up to the MC to tell her she will be withdrawing from court after the Winter Festival ends. Kiara's argument is sound - she had already extended her public support and seems to be attending the wedding. But now is a dangerous time to be a part of the court, and Kiara's doing what she can to stay safe. Remember, she was the only noblewoman in court injured during the attack at Homecoming Ball, a fact that was given hardly a minute of consideration before the MC "convinced" her to join them again.

• Hana mentions that perhaps they can speak to her before she returns. I hope this means we will FINALLY address what happened to Kiara and look into possible - very valid - concerns about her safety. This is something we SHOULD have been talking about when we meet her at Castelserraillian, but no. PB decided to create a whole new character instead just so Kiara wouldn't get the attention she deserved as a character.

• Then again, she is seen as a suspect in a way none of the other court ladies (besides Olivia, and she's only viewed as such because of her family history) are. Sigh. The MC gets the option to speculate that she "knows something" and Drake gets to answer that "we must suspect everyone". DRAKE. Who ALSO got wounded at the same Ball that she was wounded in. Ugh. I mean I shouldn't be surprised considering he gets angry about people not supporting Liam barely hours after he got shot, but he's friends with the King. Kiara is not, and if she gets wounded again wouldn't it be their fault for not addressing the concerns she and her family had in the first place? Apparently Penelope's and Madeleine's concerns should be given ample consideration, but Kiara? Kiara who?? Oh right, Penelope's love interest's sister 😠 While we're at it, let's just make her suspicious for no reason!

• CONGRATULATIONS MAXWELL STANS on getting your first character development scene! There isn't a lot of overt character development but the scene does show us how observant and resourceful Maxwell is, pointing out the hole in the armoury wall that will allow us to overhear people's conversations and give us a better idea of who we should suspect. It does this while still establishing him as goofy, fun-living and always ready to live life king-size.

• Maxwell and the MC engage in what is known in European folklore as an apple-shot (Apfelschuss in German. The most popular folk tale involving this feat of archery is that of William Tell, a Swiss folk hero, who was ordered to shoot an apple from the top of his son's head by a cruel nobleman named Albrecht Gessler. Thankfully, he succeeded).

• Oooh now comes my favourite part: the weapons!

• This is an amazing Easter Egg in two ways if you're a TCaTF fan. One is that it reminds me SO MUCH of when Val gets to be the narrator, which is ALWAYS fun! Case in point are the names she gives the Iron Empire soldiers at Ennan: Pointy, Mr Fancy, Birdface, Grumpy and That Other Guy. Here, the MC gives names to all the weapons.

• So if you're someone who has played TCaTF and forgotten the weapons, no problem! I'm here to list out what these weapons are actually called, where they originated from and how Kenna (if the reader pays) gets them!

• The Weirdly Fancy Dagger is the Black Asps Dagger (which I think might be venom-tipped, like Adder's Fang) which Raydan gets from a Black Asp agent when he is imprisoned under Azura's orders. I see this weapon as being associated most with Abanthus/Lythikos in this list of weapons, because it comes from Adder's team of Lykos spies and assassins, and eventually (if Kenna chooses so) Adder can get to rule over this kingdom either alone or alongside Princess Zenobia (or not at all).

The Dragon Face Hammer! is actually the famous Wave Hammer, made by Kailani Keawe of Ebrimel - a fierce warrior and a skilled craftswoman - from Heart Oak Wood sneaked in from Thorngate. Heart Oak has all the appearance of wood with all the strength of metal, and makes for an amazing secret weapon.

The Ram Head Thing is Crown Guardian Leon Stirling's signature weapon - The Ram's Head Mace. This is a weapon clearly associated with Stormholt as Queen Adriana bequeathed it to him. Leon gets to pass it down to Kenna upon his death, if she so chooses. This mace is strong enough to crush armour, and Leon won the tournament at Ducitora with it before Azura killed him.

The Skull...Flail? is Val Greaves' signature weapon, The Deadman's Flail, which is powerful enough to crush armour. Kenna can use this weapon in her fight against Severin Cale, Leader of the Mercenaries. Val herself uses it often in battle.

The polo mallet is just...there.

• Ooh finally! It's time to investigative.

1. Madeleine approaching a man the MC has rejected in favour of her current fiancé. If you're marrying Liam, this man is Drake and he gets to roast Madeleine like she's never been roasted before ("Liam does get what he wants. That means he also gets to throw away what he doesn't want"). If you're marrying Drake, Hana or Maxwell, she is talking to Liam, addressing the king-sized elephant in the room. Liam doesn't pull any extra punches - he just looks extra annoyed and tells her he's "had other matters to attend to". It may seem like a weak defense in comparison to Drake's explosive comeback, but to be fair the man is going through some crazy shit here, and I don't think anyone in that state can actually expand enough thought to form a rebuttal at all. I doubt he'd have either the inclination or energy to actually respond with more than "I've had other matters to attend to". It's particularly awkward if your LI is Maxwell because he is standing right next to you hearing all this, but that hardly reflects in his dialogue. Basically, I view this sequence as telling us more about Madeleine than about the men: she may have changed a tiny bit, but she's still just a huge shit-stirrer.

Possibly, this might be set up for the apology that will ensue if we save Madeleine's backstabbing ass next chapter. It'll be something along the lines of "oh forgive me, I was so wrong, what I did was so wrong, I'll never do that again" etc etc yadda yadda getouttamyfaceyoufakeassbitch.

Also, I believe that the part of the reason Drake delivered that zinger to Madeleine was because he was still stinging from Olivia's burn at dinner 😂

2. While there are very few differences between the first and last conversations, the second conversation changes drastically depending on who your LI is.

a. If your LI is Liam, Hakim comes up to Liam, gives him his condolences for Constantine's death, and then comments positively on Esther and the upcoming wedding, which leads to a discussion between the MC and Maxwell about wedding preparations. I think this is mostly because Kiara never really interacts with Liam, so they got Hakim to do the honors. Over here though, Hakim and Liam's conversation about the wedding forms only a tiny portion of the conversation, as opposed to the entire thing.

b. If your LI is Hana, Kiara and Hana have a lovely, lighthearted conversation about the latter's upcoming wedding. Kiara expresses great happiness at Hana getting married to the MC, and Hana confesses to being so nervous she constantly dreams about it. I love the way Hana and Kiara's friendship is written here: how open Hana is with Kiara and how encouraging and supportive Kiara is towards Hana. I think it's so beautiful to see 😭

c. If your LI is Maxwell? It's Hana and Kiara again, this time speculating what the MC's wedding to Maxwell will be like. Kiara confesses that she plans to skip a cousin's reception on the same day by pretending to be ill, just so she can attend their reception instead. Together they discuss what surprises the Beaumonts might spring during the reception - from dance-offs to ball pits to hot air balloons filled with kittens. Here too, it's a lovely moment - two of the smartest court members having fun talking about weddings.

d. If your LI is Drake, Kiara talks to him instead. First about the offerings at the dessert buffet, then about the wedding. Kiara is overly chirpy and happy and excited about the wedding, and Drake tenses up when she turns the topic towards the wedding preparations, because those are "complicated". Of course, if you do the LI scene with him at the ice palace, you will find out that he doesn't like talking about it because he would rather keep things simple and focus on his bride, and the nobility is all about perfection and elaborate preparations. Very possibly the Kiara-Drake conversation was written this way as a lead-up to his conversation with the MC at the snow palace. (and perhaps also to dissuade people who would like to ship Drake and Kiara, especially given the backlash Kiara got from fans just for having a crush on the man).

The main focus of this conversation of course is to give out the message that the MC's upcoming wedding is something that still excites people, and that even people afraid of staying in court don't want to miss it.

3. The third conversation between Olivia and Lucretia is given the suspicious sounding music from ES, and begins with Lucretia trying to find out more about the MC. Olivia doesn't tell her much beyond what everyone else knows, and Lucretia leaves her with this cryptic statement:

I feel we're going to have a Big Reveal about what actually happened to the Nevrakises and whether they really were traitors or not.

• With that we finish our little stint at investigation, and in comes our next chance to spend diamonds on our respective LIs!

• I love how Liam's outdoor kink has been referenced two chapters in a row now 😂

•

(Screenshots: @kennaxval for Hana, @mariamatsuo for Drake and the Vika Avey YouTube channel for Maxwell).

Again, like the previous scene, the LIs have their own individual stamp over their ice palace scene. The beauty of it is not just that they all seem different in the way they make love to the MC, but that their reactions to the ice palace itself vary from LI to LI.

Liam gives us a legend. He tells us about the prevalent pre-wedding tradition in Lythikos, where an engaged couple would have their village build them an ice palace the following winter. Kind of like a seasonal barn-raising, which also involves a community coming together to build something for the couple. It says plenty about Lythikos and its people (I won't elaborate because at some point I'm going to be writing essays again). But it also confirms for us how immersed in Cordonian culture Liam is, and how much his Queen will learn when she is with him.

Hana gives us a fairytale. She tells us a story her mother used to read to her at night, about a frozen kingdom, an ice palace and a princess with a frozen heart, which thawed the moment she found true love. The fairytale Hana tells us bears similarities to Hans Christian Andersen's "The Snow Queen", and more to the film it inspired, Frozen. But snow maidens are a staple of certain European cultures (particularly Norwegian and Slavic legend), so it could be a mix of many stories. It's fitting that Hana relates the ice palace to a story, connected as she is to literature and folklore and romance. In a lot of ways, hidden beneath the fable of the ice princess is Hana's own story.

Drake gives us a memory. As a follow-through to the conversation between him and Kiara in Maxwell's armoury scene if the reader bought it (unbeknownst to him, because he doesn't know the MC was overhearing them) he gets to be more open about not being very interested in planning weddings. His ideal would have been to take his bride to his mother's ranch in Texas for a wedding very reminiscent of his parents' union, and were Cordonia not in this condition that's exactly what he would have done. It's very like Drake, whose most powerful emotional associations are connected to his once-happy childhood and his memories of his parents, particularly his father.

Maxwell gives us an gift, made with his own hands. When he brings the MC to the ice palace, he suggests creating ice sculptures, and both make one of each other. It's a sweet, funny and affectionate scene, with both of them exchanging cute banter about Maxwell's "secret affair" with "Ice MC" and his tongue getting stuck in ice while pretending to kiss her 😂 It's very Maxwell. He's very hands-on, likes to do fun things, likes to entertain. And that's exactly the vibe I'm getting here.

The love scenes are tender and sweet and hot, and I think each of these scenes is worth the diamonds you'll spend. The scenes are tailored perfectly to fit the personalities of each LI. This is exactly what I hoped to see with scenes like the bathtub scene at the beginning of the book, and the spa scene. If they continue with this kind of quality content going forward, then I'm really really glad they took that hiatus.

• Okay we're back to the ballroom now. With Madeleine super drunk on...um...some pineapple drink.

• Madeleine is the only person to have the pineapple drink, and she seems to have an affinity for pineapple's since Maxwell offered her that Pineapple Paradise Punch in Fydelia. Everyone else is drinking Lythikos Nog.

• Madeleine collapses in the middle of Olivia's speech!

• The security detail uses "Code Locusta" to refer to poisons. Which is fitting, because Locusta was a very notorious maker of poisons during the time of Claudius and Nero (around AD 54 was when she contributed to the assassination of Emperor Claudius, and his son Brittanicus a year later). She was not only someone who was an expert on poisons and hired for that purpose, but also someone who used her skills to bring down royalty at the behest of their enemies. This could be a bit of a stretch, but I think this ties in symbolically with the plot of the movie scene in Liam's playthrough, where the enemy of the throne is someone who also can claim to be a royal. Especially considering poisons have been used to kill Liam's mother, and now to kill a supporter of the Crown and the MC, and a member of a very powerful Cordonian noble house. And yet...the other noble house - the Nevrakis family of Lythikos - stays untouched.

• The last time I recall "Locusta" being used in literature was in Alexandre Dumas' (père) The Count of Monte Cristo. A chapter of this book, in which a woman attempts to poison her stepdaughter so the family fortune could be passed on to her son, was titled Locusta as well.

• Something is rotten in the state of Denmark, folks. Or should I say, in the Kingdom of. Cordonia?

• Can I just say I love the parallels between Lythikos in Book 1 and now? We learned a little about Olivia's past in passing from Liam here, and now it will hit us in full force in the form of Lucretia. Constantine didn't seem to be in Lythikos, and returned to tell Liam that he was going to die soon, and now we visit the same estate after he has given his life to save his son.

Olivia gave us the worst place and the worst treatment then, and the best now. We convinced Kiara to support us in this very ballroom, and perhaps we might have to do so now too. It was here that Madeleine proudly claimed she was neither unrefined or insecure...but now she doesn't care about propriety.

I recall it was here for the first time that Maxwell stans were given the chance to express affection towards him, and it's here that they now get his first character development scene in Book 3. Most of all...it was here that the initial 3 LIs started to open up to us, in different ways, (if we paid) and now we return...an engaged couple - shedding all our layers and keeping each other warm in the cold (again, if we pay). I have many fond memories of Lythikos, and this chapter definitely brought me back there xD

• Tumblr isn't allowing me to write further for this post, so I will be writing my theories and who I believe is involved in the next post.

[antisocial-mochi]

Fake Love Mv Analysis + Theory

HOLY SHIT I CAN’T EVEN! There’s so much to cover. I’m going to do things a bit out of order, but if you’ve watched the mv, you’ll know what order everything’s in originally. This is going to be a bit long, so please bare with me.

First off, when they’re all standing in the line formation, it’s very reminiscent of  an unraveling DNA strand. 

It’s almost like after Jin closed the curtain, it was like he closed himself off from everyone and everything. 

Then Jin’s huddled around the smeraldo flower shown in the beginning. Like he’s trying to preserve what’s left of himself. However, once it’s gone, it’s like Jin had nothing left to lose, therefore he disappeared. 

 Or the flower could be a metaphor for the secret of him hitting Jungkook and putting him in the hospital. It’s almost like his ‘fear’ is lack of control in situations. 

It’s almost like Jungkook observing Jin from a crack in the door.. (It’s seems he’s observing all the guys in some way, shape or form. I’ll list them as we go along.)

Then he’s running, trying to catch up with him. at one point, he’s running through the hallway that was used in both Awake and BST Japanese ver. and the floor is falling out behind him. It’s almost as if everything is disappearing because Jin’s gone and now Jungkook in the process of leaving.

(Which both of them have used the same room or a very similar room in recent times. Jin’s room is very similar the Jungkook’s room in Begin. Then at the end of this mv, as seen in the one teaser, the room with the hooded figure and coat racks is almost identical to Jin’s room; after it was destroyed.)

Then we see Taehyung with a phone that disintegrates to ash. It’s not real. Plus, all on the walls, there’s phones everywhere that later turn on. It’s like saying that even though you get all this love and attention, it doesn’t mean anything if it doesn’t come from yourself first. (Plus we have Save me/I’m fine written behind him.)

Towards the end of the mv, Taehyung is seen walking away from the hallway plastered with phones and looking up at “Save me” on the wall.

 Could that be him realizing he doesn’t need the love, nor the opinions of others? Is he beginning to see that he doesn’t have to stay in the box he’s been put into for so long because of who he is? Does he realize the only person that can truly keep you stigmatized, is yourself. Then in turn, he’s leaving it behind(?) 

Maybe he’s ‘fear’ was himself because, he killed his father in I Need U. Then when Namjoon didn’t come to his aid, maybe he felt like his actions weren’t as justified as he first thought. Therefore, he began to question his values/morals as a person; was he a good person? 

There’s also the possibility that the reason the phone is the center of Taehyung’s fear or darkness is because, he felt betrayed by Namjoon. If you remember they have a whole history behind them. They get in trouble together, promise to always have each other’s back, etc. Then when Taehyung needs him most and tries to call him, Namjoon doesn’t answer. Now whether the betrayal is intentional or not, is another ball of wax. At that point, it depends on what theory thread you want to follow. Namjoon could represent Taehyung’s ‘fake love.’ An unreliable friend, who knows things about you, things most others don’t.

(We also have this shot of Jungkook standing directly above Taehyung’s room.)

We also have Hoseok, who when he was first shown in the mv, he was surrounded by carnival rides/props. Not to mention, the merry go round. (Which is where his mother abandoned him as a child.)Then he’s laying in a huge pile of Snickers. His ‘fear’ is being abandoned, and his ‘fake love’ was his mother. 

It’s almost as if he’s being consumed by his truth/darkness. That or he’s acknowledging it, finally.

(Here’s Jungkook’s way of observing Hobi. Which feels very familiar to the clip of Jungkook looking into the keyhole in teaser 1.)

We have Namjoon kind of at odds with his reflection. It also seems like Namjoon’s ‘room’ is like a giant shipping container. Which, that would sort of make sense because, Namjoon’s been either in, on, or near shipping containers. Like in clips from the Run mv and the Epilogue mv.

Someone on Twitter pointed out that the handgrips behind Namjoon reminded them of the grips in buses. Much like the the bus he was on in the LY:Her highlight reels. The same bus he bumped into his girl on. Maybe because he wanted to impress her, he put on this other persona, or mask. But because he kept that mask on for so long, he began to lose or forget who he truly is and what he’s done.

Hence making his love for not only himself, but others around him, fake. Maybe his ‘fear’ is having to let go of that other persona, in order to find himself again. Or his ‘fear’ IS in fact re-finding himself, but not being happy with what he has to look at in the mirror everyday.

(And here’s Jungkook’s outlet to observe Joon.)

Now we have Yoongi. First we see him in a decrepit room, sitting in front of a brown piano. Notice the guitar beside him. Could that be the one his girl had in the LY:Her Highlight Reels? (He also throws it. )

Once Jungkook gets to the end of the hallway, it’s a dead end. However, there’s a boarded up opening in the wall. When he looks in, there’s Yoongi  all alone, sitting in a chair, staring at the boarded up fireplace. 

Then we see a flash of fire outside the room. Almost as if it were like a passing thought in his mind. Fire seems to represent Yoongi’s darkness/truth. So, it’s like he started thinking about it and the more he thought, the more aware he became. 

then he smiled, as if he were content with realizing/ acknowledging his truth.

Someone mentioned to go back into the HYYH notes and read Yoongi’s. There’s we’re told that Yoongi’s mother dies in a fire. So maybe the room he was in, was her room at one point.

Even though Yoongi was shown so much love by his girl in the reels, maybe he still felt like it wasn’t as real as his mom’s. Maybe he felt like her love was the only true love there was. What if he felt like his girl was going to try and use him. 

Maybe his ‘fear’ is being used/being depended on.

Maybe that’s why he pushes Jungkook away and even fights him. he afraid of having people need him.

In his most recent notes, they talk about him having a flashback to when he watched his house being burned to the ground. When he was asked if there was anyone else in the house, he said no. 

Maybe his mom was sick and depended on him, way more then was should be expected of from a child. Maybe he was tired of it and wanted to be free. However, then as he’s gone through life, he’s carried this guilt with him. That could explain why he attempted suicide, by setting his room ablaze. 

He wanted to go out the saem way this all started. Maybe he was hoping the fire would engulf him in the room, since it didn’t work the first time.

Moving onto Jimin. As talked about in past posts, Jimin is associated with water, much like Yoongi is with fire. 

We see he’s in the room, alone (yet again, keeping up that trend of him always being alone.) and looking around, obviously unhappy. At one point, we see him turn off the faucet of the sink behind him. Almost like he’s  had enough and stops the endless circle that is his lie, dead in its tracks. Or that could be Jimin bottling up his feelings,  (Hence with the water bursts from the walls.) 

Then, after the few scenes with Jungkook, (Which I’ll get to in a moment.) we’re shown the drains on the wall behind Jimin start to overflow and burst. Literally like the flood gates open and either side of him. Is that an indication of Jimin acknowledging the darkest parts of himself? (This is also at the same time Yoongi’s room goes up in flames.)

(There’s also a flash worth of a scene where Jimin has in hand covering his mouth. If you go back in my posts and read “Analysis of Lie Mv,” I talk about my theory as to why he does that. )

Jimin’s ‘fear’ is either death, or being left behind. We’ve seen throughout the storyline that Jimin seems to be ill. I’m thinking it’s most mental than physical, but I could be wrong.

He always seems to like living in the moment, rather than worry about the future.He doesn’t want thing to change because, if things change he could be written out of the equation.

Jimin seems to have the closest relationship with Hoseok, yet he’s replaced multiple times. First it was with the girl from the highlight reels. Then it was Taehyung in Euphoria.

It seems as though Jimin depends on Hoseok a lot throughout the universe. Hoseok keeps him grounded, keeps him from doing something stupid. The problem is, Hoseok doesn’t really know Jimin’s relying on him so much. So, while he’s looking out for others and running to other people’s aid, he’s unknowingly leaving Jimin out in the cold.

(I also want to point out that this is/could be Jungkook observing Jimin from above,not Jin like I initially said.)

Now for the scenes where Jungkook is looking at the waterfalls, it’s a little interesting. We see the wall of waterfall(s). We also see a pile of dust/ash/sand on the ground, along with the glass container that once held the Smeraldo flower. 

When Jungkook kneels down to pick up some of the ash/dust/sand and as it’s falling back down to the ground, we see the shadow of flower petals flying away. As we know, Jin’s always linked with flowers, more specifically lilies. However, the petals in the case aren’t lily petals, but still the point still stands. Then it pans out, and there’s petals floating through the air. 

Some have said that the flower could represent time. So,when we see the sand that means time’s caught up with Jin and the truth’s out. 

My question is, is Jin gone? Did he complete what he set out to do, or did something happen; like a sort of loophole that made his time run out? Because it doesn’t seem like he’s ready to leave, or ready to have things come crashing own around him. Hence why he tries to protect the flower.  

When Jin loses the Smeraldo and all that’s left is a pile of ash and the empty container, that could support the theory of him being gone. Or, maybe his spirit per say is moved to that all black room from Euphoria, where there was only a bed and the curtains. 

Maybe that’s like a limbo type of place he’s moved to, in order to save him from completely vanishing. Then maybe from there that’s when he tries to go back in time and fix things. (As discussed in a past post.)

Taehyung’s also been associated with the Smeraldo flower. In Singularity, he’s seen holding the flower in front of his mouth. Again, the truth that was untold. So, when the flower turned to sand, maybe Jin’s truth wasn’t the only truth finally brought to light. 

Somebody said when Taehyung was looking at the phone, it looked like he was looking and the Smeraldo flower.(I don’t know if I agree with that. It’s very hard to tell by the slight reflection in his eyes.)

Also doesn’t the first picture with the shadow of the petals feel familiar? This is a shot of what looks to be Jin’s shadow, releasing flower petals into the air.

[diveronarpg]

Congratulations, DAPHNE! You’ve been accepted for the role of EDMUND with the faceclaim of Hunter Parrish. Admin Kaitlin: Oh man... oh man, oh man, oh man. Daphne, there were a great many things about this application that spoke to me, but I cannot imagine a world in which you didn’t include that final interview question because wow--it took my god damn breath away. With a single line, a part of me just knew that you understood Easton on an absolutely intrinsic level. You show so so much development potential just from your sample alone, never mind your actual plots. I cannot tell you how excited I am to start plotting things out with you, and to see you on the dash. Please read over the checklist and send in your blog within 24 hours.

WELCOME TO THE MOB.

OUT OF CHARACTER

Alias | Daphne

Age | 22

Preferred Pronouns | she/her

Activity Level | 6/10 – I’m trying to get back into the swing of writing things, but I tend to be quite slow with replies. I even struggled with trying to finish this application on time (oops!), but there it is.

Timezone | EST

IN CHARACTER

Character | Edmund / Easton Craven, although he sometimes uses his mother’s maiden name (which is Westfall, because I have a terrible sense of humour). Please let me change his face claim to Hunter Parrish so I may bless the dash with his presence. :)

What drew you to this character?

Why bastard? Wherefore base? There’s a lot to be said for individual interpretations of characters, but I’ve always considered Edmund to be a remarkably nuanced individual in Shakespeare canon. He’s someone with nothing to lose and everything to gain. He’s the very definition of Machiavellianism, delectably manipulative, clever, and cunning in his own right, and by god, he’s hungry—so deprived, so angry that he should be despicable in his ruthless pursuit of satisfaction. But somehow, he still demonstrates the capacity for remorse; he evokes sympathy for his situation. He takes matters into his own hands, refuses to settle with the cards fate has dealt him, and I can’t help but admire that audacity, even if it stems from long-standing resentment and spite. The way he chooses to reclaim his identity is a well-earned fuck you to the system, and as a wise Lannister once said, you should never forget what you are. Wear it like armour, and it can never be used to hurt you—if only there was anything left of Easton to hurt.

I’m a huge glutton for fictional angst and bitterness, but admittedly, what I love more than either of those things is the sheer futility of Easton’s situation. I love him precisely because the odds were against him from the very start. In King Lear, he’s drawn the short stick in life, and the moment Edmund steels himself against the order of the world, he becomes a marked man living on borrowed time. Easton is similar in the sense that he’s doomed to never achieve the fulfillment he so desperately craves. He will never be able to fill the emptiness that remains after his forest fire of hatred has razed all else to the ground, and that is largely because the circumstances for his unhappiness are beyond his control. He was born broken, which isn’t to say that he doesn’t have to be held accountable for his actions, but rather that the descent into hell for him is easier than most; to be damned, after all, is his one and only birthright. He is very much a monster of his father’s making—so much that I imagine for all he wishes to reject his background, the resemblance he bears to his father both in appearance and ambition is ironically uncanny to everyone around him. A part of me aches deeply for the person he might have become if only he had been loved (tl;dr, yes, I am a sucker for characters with major daddy issues), but since that isn’t the case, our only other option, really, is to bask in the glory (the horror) of what his father created: Easton as he is currently, as the Craven’s unholy son. You see, the gods may deny his cause, but I came here to stand up for him in their stead.

What is a future plot idea you have in mind for the character?

I. KING OF NOTHING - Easton pursues glory with a dark, ugly vengeance. He wants to rule, and he’s hellbent on getting there, although the way I picture it is that he’s currently biding his time under the radar, scoping out the playing field, and figuring out how he can manipulate people to his best possible advantage before he makes his move—much like a spider unattended, quietly spinning its web in the dark corner of a room. And while that in itself will be pretty fascinating to flesh out, I’m more concerned with the endgame of it all. For Easton, there’s no question that the ends justify the means, but what, exactly, is the “end” he is trying to justify? I don’t think he has a good grasp on the answer, and while he ultimately has the drive and the craftiness to ascend through the ranks, the question I want Easton to confront once he arrives there is, what now? As much as he wants the world to pay, becoming the king he thinks he deserves to be will not make him whole. I want to explore his struggle to deny this growing realization, and to have him eventually look down upon a kingdom from his point of conquest, only to see the vast emptiness that lies before him—to understand that despite everything, this is the one constant that has stuck by him his entire life. And once he accepts that nothingness? Some men just want to watch the world burn.

II. MY BROTHER’S KEEPER - But Easton was loved, you cry; he has Everett! To which I say, ah, but does he really? I think that to some extent, Easton is aware that Everett does care for him—his own feelings, however, are much more complicated, because he can’t seem to separate his resentment towards Everett from the deep-seated insecurities at the very core of his being. He has the life that Easton has always wanted, so it makes sense that at the heart of these issues, they’re intertwined. The way Easton sees it, Everett may care about him, but he does so from a position of privilege: his life was handed to him on a silver platter, and for that, he can never hope to understand. Easton is convinced that Everett never truly put his full effort into trying to understand or to help mediate their family dynamic when it mattered, and to be honest, I don’t think he’s wrong to feel that way. Not that he gives a damn anymore—as far as he’s concerned, they don’t owe each other anything—but since they’re both working under the Capulets, ignoring Everett won’t be as easy as it used to be, and I can’t wait to see how their relationship unfolds because there’s really no other character who defines him more. It’s inevitable that Easton will eventually realize his relationship with Everett is something to be exploited, not only because he’s a complete tool, but also because it’s that timeless rom-com cliché: to fake a relationship for ulterior motives only to realize that some small, twisted part of you may actually care (gasp, the horror!) for the other person. Except they’re brothers, not lovers, and I can’t think of any better way for Easton to come to terms. Something tells me that Everett may not be so forgiving, but I am 100% here for the drama and the fallout that ensues.

III. BERSERKER - There’s a very dark and primal part of Easton that contributes to his anger, and although his mind is definitely valued, this is ultimately what makes him such a great soldier for the Capulets. The moment Easton gives into that rage, all his boundaries disappear, and he becomes single-minded in his ruthlessness. He’s much better at reigning in his temper than he used to be, but you can still sense the savagery that brews just below the surface—the dark, nameless thing that paces restlessly inside of him, just waiting for an excuse to be let loose. I imagine it’s something that’s often been ascribed to him as innate, if only because of his illegitimacy. What I’m interested in exploring is, how much of that is true, and how much of it matters?  Is it still something he can keep at bay, something he can still reject, if he so chooses, as it’s called into play more often with the Capulet’s plans? Or is it something he has no choice to succumb to—that internal war between instinct and emotion versus logic and reason?

Are you comfortable with killing off your character? Sure!

IN DEPTH

I didn’t manage to finish the interview section in time, but I still put one of the responses in the Extras section just because I thought it was too good to waste :)

In-Character Para Sample:

[FOUR YEARS AGO]

“Huh.” Colborne brings a hand to his chin. “Interesting. It’s risky, but it might just be ballsy enough to work.”

He is 22 when he still believes the world could be his oyster—eager to impress, eager to prove himself, and he preens, but it comes a moment too soon. He’s gathering back up his sheets and packing up his briefcase when the executive starts again, shaking his head with a chuckle.

“I have to say, I’m impressed. This isn’t exactly what I was expecting from someone of Craven & Ricci calibre.”

The world slows to a stop.

“What did you just say?” he asks, fighting to keep his voice even. The clasp on his briefcase shuts with a click. Easton turns to face him. The Dellecher executive is mopping his forehead with a handkerchief, and all he can hear is the irregular beat of his heart, responding in time to those dreaded two words.

“Well, Everett—your brother, isn’t that right? He called earlier. Put in a good word for you.”

Half-brother, he almost corrects with a growl.

Of course he did, thinks Easton, with a cold, resounding clarity. How completely and utterly stupid of him to assume there was a world beyond Everett’s reach, simply because he’d picked what he thought to be a relatively obscure firm. His face shutters, and for a moment, he pauses. Takes in a breath. The world is bleached white, but when he responds, his voice is still calm. Serene.

“I see.”

“How about it, then? You think you’ll be ready to start on Monday?”

Easton smiles thinly and gathers his coat. It’s easier than it used to be, and just like that, the door swings shut on another opportunity.

“I think there’s been a misunderstanding,” he says, without turning around. “I assumed I was going into this position based on my own merit.”

Colborne laughs, just a little nervously.

“Look. You’re talented, don’t get me wrong,” he says, licking his lips, and Easton can’t help but wonder, snidely, where this man was twenty, thirty years prior—how his words fall to pieces as soon as they leave his mouth, buoyed up on the tongue of a hypocrite. This man may be a superior, but to Easton he’s nothing, and he loses more respect for him with every passing second.

“But you’re also young, and you’re inexperienced. Talent won’t get you everywhere. I’ve got ten other guys all dying to get their hands on this job, and frankly, if you weren’t a Craven, well…”

But he isn’t a Craven.

Not really.

He stops listening to Colborne and slides the dossier across the table. Later, he thinks back on how he was too forgiving—how he should have burned that folder; how he should have let the company go up in flames.

Colborne’s voice swims in and out of focus.

“You should be thankful, really,” he says grimly. “All your connections, all that luck, and you’re just throwing it away. You have no idea how many people would kill to be in your position—”

And just like that, something in Easton snaps. All the control he’s been working so hard to exercise unravels in an instant as a hot streak of rage courses through him, rearing its ugly head. He grabs Colborne by the tie and shoves him up against the wall so hard that the Escher replica hanging on the wall crashes to the floor, frame splintering into pieces.

“You have no idea what I should or shouldn’t be thankful for, you sorry son of a bitch,” Easton spits, fingers clenched around his disgustingly damp collar. Red starbursts flare in his periphery, adrenaline pumping fire through his veins, and the image of Colborne’s face, bloodied and broken, rises up in his mind, the satisfaction of hearing the crack of his skull running rampant in his brain. He’s about to slug him when his mother’s laugh appears out of the blue, unwelcome and intrusive.

Suddenly he’s twenty again, sitting in the backroom of a Venetian cabaret club across from someone he can’t call anything other than a stranger.

You can dress nice all you want, she tuts through ribbons of cigarette smoke, nodding at his clothes. It’s a valiant attempt, I’ll give you that much. You almost even pass as being fully related to that beloved brother of yours.

But you can’t hide that temper.

Easton drops his fist.

It’s the bastard’s blood.

(For the first time, he wonders whether she meant him or his father.)

He lets go of Colborne, who slides down against the floor, shocked into silence, and something ugly blooms in chest when he steps back—something that feels an awful lot like guilt. It lingers as he dons his coat and smoothes out his hair, intermingling with the stench of the man’s sweat, and the longer he looks at him, the more he realizes that he feels nothing for the man—that the guilt isn’t so much for Colborne as it is for the satisfaction he gets from towering over him.

Easton nods at the folder.

“Something to remember me by,” he says stiffly. “Use it. Or don’t. I really don’t fucking care.”

He calls Everett while he’s waiting for the bus and catches a glimpse of his reflection in the glass pane. He looks every inch the part. Not a wrinkle, not a flyaway hair, not a thread out of place. It’s a far cry from how he was managing just a few months ago—ever since their father announced he was stepping down, and he’d let himself entertain the inkling of hope that maybe, just maybe, there would be a sign—but what’s important hasn’t changed. He still isn’t good enough.

Everett picks up on the first ring.

“You called Dellecher,” he accuses, voice flat.

“Westfall? Really?” Everett sounds amused. Bored, even, as if it surprises him in the slightest that he’d choose to use a different name.“Do you truly hate us that much, little brother?”

Irrevocably, something stings. More than the nip of winter frost at his cheeks, or at his ears. No, he decides, it’s not so much a sting as it is a burn, spreading through his ribcage, up his throat like white fire. A gloved fist clenches at his side, and in that moment, he makes up his mind. He’ll claw his way to the top if he has to or die trying.

Do you truly hate us that much, little brother?

If only he knew the half of it.

“Stay out of my way, Everett,” Easton says coldly, just before ending the call. “I don’t need your help.”

He doesn’t need anyone’s.

He’ll make it on his own—just like he always has.

EXTRAS:

Mockblog: http://machiavillains.tumblr.com

A cornucopia of unrelated (but still fun) facts:

Also has a hand in managing certain offshore accounts, so I guess he does dirty work for his day job too? Point being either way, he’s not afraid to and will play dirty

Is still sensitive about a cryptocurrency fiasco that happened last year and will lash out if you mention it in the slightest

His misspelt Starbucks name is always Edinger Westphal

Yes, he’s kind of juvenile but that’s what happens when you’re emotionally stunted because your dad doesn’t love you

And finally, the response to “What has been your biggest mistake so far?” question:

“Haven’t you heard?” Easton smirks faintly, the smile no less cruel, no less mocking. If only they knew how easy it came to him now—how easily he wears the words, how they slant around his ears like a crown, not a curse (or maybe—just maybe—they’re one and the same). “I’m the bastard son,” he says with a dramatic flourish, reclining further back in his chair. But there’s something true, something bitter about it, something that snags at the end of his words. “My biggest mistake was being born.”

All in all, it appears the Easton in my head is much more of a mopey, woe-is-me mess than I expected and I’m really sorry about that BUT he appears well put-together and vindictive on the outside I promise it’s just inside he never grew up and he’s still an angsty teen.

Okay, that’s it! I’m sorry this was so long, and thanks again for considering me :)