#I remember I told my parents that I understood why they couldn’t treat me everytime I got good grades because I knew they’d go bankrupt

[lunacornfan2k24]

How can I say that my adult sister is spoiled without sounding like a bitch?

[dc41896]

Up All Night (Sequel to Due Date)

Pairing: Kenny CrosbyxBlack Reader

⚠️: Slight angst, fluff

“I know Bubs you’re hungry, but mama had to go to the bathroom.”

Lightly bouncing the crying one week old on his shoulder, he does his best to hum her favorite nursery rhyme as he walks around her room, but only to be met with more tears and wails.

“Only a week old and already criticizing my singing huh?,” he chuckles to himself as you return to the nursery.

“Hi baby! I know you’re hangry I’m sorry,” you smile, Kenny gently placing her in your arms after you were comfortably sat in the grey plush rocking chair.

Like clockwork, as soon as she felt your chest she knew what would be coming next and immediately calmed down. Although you should be used to it, you couldn’t help but laugh to yourself watching her immediately settle down, and feel a sense of pride that you not only carried such a beautiful being but was also her source for a multitude of things.

“Welp that’s something else she’s got in common with you,” Kenny laughs squatting down beside you, playing with his daughter’s feet.

“Excuse me? Don’t pretend like you don’t get dramatic when you’re hungry too. Need I remind you of push not pull?”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“Woww so you’re just gonna lie in front of your daughter like that? Can you believe him love?,” you jokingly gasp making him laugh.

“Speaking of food, you hungry? Because I’m not gonna lie I’m starving.”

“Yea I’m a little hungry,” you softly laugh. “After I put her down I’ll come help.”

“It’s ok I got it, you relax,” he smiles, standing up to kiss your temple before exiting the room.

Ever since you first found out you were pregnant, Kenny made sure you didn’t want for anything. You needed something off the top shelf? He didn’t even wait for you to ask before reaching up and grabbing it for you.

You had an incredible craving at 11 o’clock at night? He didn’t groan or complain, but grabbed his keys, or helped you in the car so you could get whatever you wanted.

However, that wasn’t really different from how he treated you before a baby was even thought of. Whatever he could do for you, he would no matter the time of day.

That’s if he didn’t have work that is.

But even still, there were times when he asked what you ate that day, and if you said “nothing” or that you hadn’t had time yet, after he got off he’d be at your front door holding a bag of takeout.

“Daddy’s really been taking care of us huh Bubs?,” you whisper, lightly grazing her tiny arm as she sleeps.

Momentarily interrupting your quiet state, you hear a knock at the door followed by familiar voices instantly making you smile.

“Ohh looks like you have a few guests,” you smile, fixing yourself up the best you could before joining the small get together in your living room.

———

“Aww look how gorgeous she is!,” Sheryll quietly gushes as she hugs you. “And mama also is still as beautiful as ever.”

“Thank you! I definitely don’t feel it though,” you softly laugh, carefully sitting on the couch to not wake the baby.

“What’s her name?,” Tali asks, peering over the arm of the chair to get a better look at the small bundle.

“Oh yea did you guys find a name? When Crosby sent us the picture in the hospital he said you guys were still deciding,” LaCroix adds.

“We did, and would like to introduce you guys to Peyton Rose Crosby,” Kenny smiles placing an arm around your shoulders as he sits next to you on the couch.

“That’s such a pretty name guys. I’m surprised big guy helped think of it,” Hana smirks making you giggle and Kenny roll his eyes.

“Well when we first talked about kids Kenny always said he liked the name Peyton. Then when we finally saw her for whatever reason Rose kept popping in my head and the rest is history,” you smile looking down at your daughter slightly stir in her sleep.

“How are you guys adjusting to parent life?,” Clinton asks from his seat next to LaCroix.

“It’s going,” Kenny chuckles. “I’m sure you guys can see how tired we are from the bags under our eyes.”

“Yea it’s gonna take some getting used to, but you guys will get the hang of it. Plus at least it’s bags from being with your family versus having to work late,” LaCroix responds as everyone lets out a light chuckles in agreement.

You don’t know why, but at the mention of him going back to work you felt a sense of worry flash through you.

Not that you weren’t concerned for his safety every time he left, but looking down at your daughter, now awake with brown eyes concentrated on you, you guessed you were now worried for her too. You wanted her father to be in her life to watch her grow up, be there to walk her down the aisle, and see her have kids of her own.

Trying not to get lost in your thoughts, you focus back on your friends as they gushed over Peyton more now that she was alert and making noises. Letting Kenny pass her around so everyone could have a turn holding her, you smile to yourself hoping that good times, like this, would never end.

———

After a while longer of conversations and laughs, the team had to leave before it got too late. Not before offering their help with anything you guys might need of course.

Both of you sitting on your bed, Kenny talks with Peyton while playing with her hands as she lies on his thighs. Looking up at him with deep brown eyes, it was as if she understood everything he was saying.

“Babe she’s already so smart! She’s gonna end up being a scientist or something I know it,” he smiles, kissing her cheek before turning to look at you. Quickly trying to wipe the running tear from your face, you give him a soft smile hoping he doesn’t notice.

“Hey what’s wrong? Talk to me.”

“It’s dumb really, I’m probably just being overly emotional,” you reply with a sniffle.

“Still, tell me how you’re feeling.”

“It’s just hearing you guys talk about work started making me worry. I know what you do is dangerous and of course I already worry everytime you leave, but now that Peyton’s here it’s like I felt it more if that makes sense.”

Pausing, you feel more tears well in your eyes as you look at your boyfriend’s soft yet concerned expression. “I just don’t want her to grow up without her dad and I don’t want to lose you either.”

Carefully lifting your daughter so she would be lying on his chest, he pulls you closer to him with his free arm so you could rest on his shoulder. Your tears dripping down to his light blue shirt as he lightly grazes up and down your back.

“Babe I wish I could promise you I’d come back every night, but we both know I can’t. I know that doesn’t help with your worries but just know I try to be careful every time I leave so I can get back here with you and you too,” he answers kissing your head and Peyton’s respectively. “Plus what if I told you that I worry about you guys too?”

“You do?”

“Yea, with some of the cases we have, I always think about you at the clinic or even times you’d just be out with Bubs and how anything could happen. I just try to remind myself in that moment you’re more than likely safe or, if I can, I’ll call or text and sure enough, you are safe and I calm down.”

“Plus I’m sure that’s why you’re with FBI. To make sure everyone, including us, is safe,” you smile lightly rubbing your fingers across her slick hair.

“Exactly.”

Feeling your worries fade away, you knew the only thing you could do was stay positive that everything would be okay. And remembering the amazing people he worked with, you knew deep down he was being well looked after.

“Thank you,” you smile as you sit up to kiss his lips.

“I feel like all I did was listen, but you’re welcome,” he chuckles.

“Still you’re always there to listen or help me through whatever, and I thank you for that.”

“Well when you love someone, you do whatever you can to make sure they’re good,” Kenny replies kissing you again.

Breaking the silence between you, small noises escape Peyton’s mouth as she begins one of her all too familiar cries.

“Daddy, someone needs a diaper change, and from the smell I’m getting it’s a big one.”

“See how mommy always gives me the poopy diapers Bubs?”

“I do not! You’re holding her so you might as well,” you giggle.

“Mhmm sure,” he responds getting up to clean the fussy infant.

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[trashypoeticthoughts]

eton edicius ekaf a

IMPORTANT NOTE: this is NOT a suicide letter. this is just a collection of all my pent-up frustrations in life.

First of all, I wanna make it clear to everyone of you that this isn’t your fault. I want to make sure that you all understand that this is all about my failures. All about me failing as a human. I never really wanted any of this to happen, but here it goes.

When I was a child, people had very high expectations of me. I did not understand where did that come from and why was it me that should experience it. Di ko hiningi na maging isang matalinong bata. Napakahirap na lahat ng mata nakatingin sayo at sa bawat gagawin mo. Bawal ka makipag-laro sa ibang bata hanggang magtakip-silim, oo mababaw na bagay pero malaking bagay iyon para sa akin. Bata pa lang ako, lagi na nila ipinipilit sa akin na iba ako. Iba dapat ako. Iba dapat maging kilos ko sa nakasanayan. Maybe I misunderstood what they meant. Siguro di nga talaga ako marunong umintindi. Pinipilit ko naman maging iba. Pinipilit ko naman gawin yung mga bagay na hindi nila gagawin. Pinipilit ko na hindi ako matulad sa iba. Lumaki ako na laging nilalayuan ng mga kaklase ko dahil siguro sa mga bagay na yun. Na pinili ko maging iba dahil iyon ang gusto ng mga magulang ko. Ako yung bata na sobrang iyakin hanggang sa pagtungtong ko ng high school. Ako yung bata na pala-sumbong. Ako yung bata na kain ng kain. Ako yung bata na sobrang mapili sa pagkain. Ako yung bata na puro aral at kung maglalaro man, mag-isa palagi. Hindi ako marunong maki-hati noon. Hindi ako marunong na maging isang bata. They always told me that I think too much. What would I do? I guess I should’ve broken rules when I was a kid. I was too obedient. It didn’t help na lumaki ako sa isang Christian family na ang bukambibig sa akin kapag sumusuway ako o di kaya ay di nakikinig ay “children obey your parents in the Lord for this is right.” Ako naman itong sunod ng sunod. Hindi man mali, pero pakiramdam ko, bawal ako magkamali. Every mistake, mishap, misfortune, lack of effort, disobedience, and what they think is wrong is always a disappointment. I woke up every single day of my life fearing that my parents would be disappointed. Ultimo na kahit sa pagpasok sa school iiyakan ko kapag alam ko na malalate na ako. I always feared disappointing my parents.

Pagkabata ko na puno ng takot dahil sa di ko malamang dahilan. Marahil natatakot ako sa magiging reaksyon nila mama atpapa kapag nalaman nila na inaasar ako. Marahil ayaw ko na sugurin nila ang mga kalaro ko. Marahil ayoko na saluhin nila ako. Gusto ko na matutong ipaglaban ang sarili ko pero hindi, hindi ko natutunan iyon. Nasanay ako na sa bawat pang-aasar at pambubuyo sa akin, malalaman nila at pagagalitan ang mga nang-asar sa akin. Hindi ko naman gusto iyon. Lalo lang napapalayo ang loob ng mga kalaro ko sa akin. Natatakot sila sa inyo. Hindi ko alam kung kanino ako kakampi, sa mga kalaro ko ba na nangaasar sa akin o sa mga magulang ko na handa ako ipagtanggol kahit kanino. Isa akong bata na laging nag-iisip sa bawat igagalaw ko para walang masaktan o malungkot sa mga gagawin ko. Natuto ako na maging masaya mag-isa. Maglaro na lamang sa loob ng bahay dahil hindi pwede lumabas sabi ng aking lola. Ayoko siya na malungkot o mabigo sa akin. Kahit na gustong-gusto ko lumabas, hindi ko ginawa. Natuto ako na maging masaya sa sarili kong paraan. Sa mga kotse na palagi kong pinaglalaruan, hanggang sa mga gadget na aking kinahuhumalingan. Sa bawat pagpasok nila mama sa bahay pagkauwi galing sa iskwelahan at bawat bagay na bitbit ni papa na ninanais kong buksan. I learned to be excited with every new item I will see inside the house. Every plastic bag, every paper bag, every carton. I always hoped to see another toy in those packages. Another toy that will try to fill in the emptiness inside that heart that I do not know what would fill.

I entered high school expecting that I was ready. I never intended to let anyone know in my school that I was a son of 2 teachers inside the school. I never wanted any exposure. I just wanted to be treated like an ordinary student. A student that would get mediocre grades, but no. Almost every teacher inside that school knew me and my parents. My parents expected me to be an achiever. An all out geek. A nerd. An all work no play guy. My parents wanted me to be consistently on the honor roll. The pressure was mounting. I got into a petty fight with my classmate about a puppy love and I’ll always remember what my dad told me back when I was a kid, “ka-lalaki mong tao, iyakin ka. Tumigil ka na diyan sa pag-iyak mo” That one tore through my heart. In this fight, I tried hard to keep myself from crying. But I still broke down. I feared that my father would tell me na “Wag ka nga umiyak, ka-lalaki mong tao, iniiyakan mo yan, ang laki-laki mo na!” Then it happened. He told me “Babae lang yan, iniiyakan mo, ang dami dami mo pang makikilala na babae diyan, high school ka na umiiyak ka pa din!” Ever since that day, I always had a hard time finding myself a good cry. I guess it’s a plus that I don’t cry anymore.

I find myself in a tight situation in my junior high school days. I had to choose between being a normal teenager or should I pursue what my parents wanted, to become an achiever. They asked me one time when I wasn’t on the honor roll saying, “Kulang pa ba yung binibigay namin sayo? Nagkulang ba kami sa mga paalala? Binibigay naman namin lahat ng kailangan mo? Kaya mo pa ba? Para alam namin kung mag-eexpect pa kami.” That put me under a lot of pressure. Growing up they saw that I was an achiever. I saw myself as a guy with no friends. Having friends during this time of my life, is one of those things that I needed. I never really wanted to become an achiever. Everytime I became included into the honor roll, I felt so far from my classmates. Back then they would say “Si Karl na yan sure na.” That did not go with well with me. I felt like the nerd they ridiculed me. I tried playing my parents’ favorite sport, basketball, thinking it would may somehow make them feel proud at least even if I wasn’t on the honor roll, but again, no. They wanted me to excel in basketball, to be as good or better than my dad’s players. They said that they just wanted me to play properly but I think that they wanted more than that. I just wanted to play basketball like literal play, not compete. I know that I haven’t made them proud and made so many mistakes with my life like falling in love with my so called “bespren” and that mamde me realize that not everyone deserves the effort but if I gave them the effort, it was probably worth it.

I thought that doing these things, trying to be a normal kid, treating everyone as friends, easing the academic pressure, would make me more likeable to my classmates but hell no. I was still that weird guy. I still didn’t fit. I cannot fit. They won’t let me fit. A few sides here and there go well but the other sides don’t. I do not have an identity. I was lost. I didn’t know what to do. Self-pitying at night didn’t help either. I was losing myself to the unknown.

In junior high school, I met an unlikely match. I met the most annoying person I’ve ever met. My unlikely love. Justine. We weren’t off to a great start, heck we didn’t even have a start. Sobrang labo talaga na ma-inlove kami noon sa isa’t isa. I never even imagined being with this girl na lagi akong sinisigawan kapag maingay ako. That’s what we both thought. She became my partner nung JS Prom and although hindi talaga siya yung gusto kong partner, I just went with it for fun. I never knew na yung magiging partner ko pala sa prom, magiging girlfriend ko soon. Last prom namin sa school when I asked her to dance with me again. She said na di pa siya sure kung makakasama siya sa ball but I said that doesn’t matter, I just want to dance with her. That’s when it started, I guess. I took her hand and pulled her to practice our dance. It’s like catching lightning, the chances of finding someone like you. That resonated with me after the dance. To find someone that found the best in me when I myself couldn’t find my worth. She made me realize I could be better. She made me realize that waiting is worth it.

Senior high school comes and boy it made me feel so human. I met so many people, much of them don’t even know me before. I felt so free. I felt so unburdened by things that were bothering me before. I made friends! I met my best friend! How good life was back those years. Although a lot of good things can be said, a lot of bad things went through too. For example, I broke my promise with Justine that I’ll wait for her in exchange of another love I had. I broke up with this love I exchanged for within 9 months. I lost people. I lost myself, yet again. I never knew that this season of my life, the season where I felt so free, would break me so hard that until now I haven’t recovered. I have lost myself far enough that mirages would appear and I would think that I found myself. No, it was false hope. One thing to say, I enjoyed my time in San Francisco High School very much. I never felt so constrained. I never felt watched over. I felt I was free to make choices, there is very little pressure.

Here I am in college, going in while I am the worst version of myself. The mental strain of being alone during the commute, watching people pass me by, observing how I crumble under extreme pressure, meaningless sleepless nights, not having anyone to vent to freely, trying hard but still failing, changing habits but it won’t linger, pressuring myself to get better, always putting too much expectations on myself, making myself feel bad every single day, I’m sure it would really crack me down. I never really understood myself. I fell victim to complacency. I was pretty confident that I can manage yet I failed miserably. I took responsibilities I can’t even handle. I can’t even manage my time. I filled my life by serving others while failing to take care of myself. I was so self-less, it was stupid. You might say that you could have done better, and I agree, you could have done better than I do. That’s how I feel everyday. Backseat living, always following orders, doing things how others want. I never really did my own thing. I owned up mistakes by others, said sorry for things that aren’t my fault because that’s how I felt my whole life has been. A complete disappointment. I’m sorry for that.

To my Heavenly Father, I’m sorry for everything, including this letter. I think life is just too much for me. I am not strong like others are. I am not very dependent on You like others are. I always tried to be better, strived to become more closer to You but I looked and picked up every rock on the way. Now things are heavier than it is supposed to be. I am sorry for not being man enough to admit my own faults and mistakes. I am sorry for not taking care of the flock You have entrusted me. I am sorry for always being so pretentious that even in prayers, I put others first and forget about myself. I am sorry for blaming this disappointing life to You and giving You more burdens. I really hope and pray that You’ll forgive me after all these things. I am really greatful for all that You’ve done for me. 21 years of existence that You’ve given me. From my very wonderful parents who only want the best for me, to my leaders who have seen the best and worst of me and still educates me to this day, to Justine, my love who’s always been supportive of me, to Ann, my best friend that has always made a way to understand me, to my college friends that have been with me during my worst and still stayed, to my SHS friends that are still around, to the flock You entrusted me with, to my churchmates that have lives so encouraging, to everyone that has been part of my life and made me who I am today, people that taught me lessons and showed me a part of themselves, thank You for them, Lord. I’ve always wanted to live with Lord, I hope that You’d still forgive me. I love You, Lord.

To my parents, I am sorry that I did not turn out to be the child you wanted me to become. I am sorry for all those moments that I have disrespected your authority and your wisdom. I am sorry that I can’t show my real self to you. I am sorry that I’ve always hid behind the walls knowing that you’ll never like what was inside. I am sorry for being a disappointment, that I can’t be the person you always told me to become. I am sorry for being so selfish with my requests and wishes. I am sorry that I can’t put you first when you need help. I am sorry that I’ve grown tired of you so quick. I am sorry for all the stresses that I’ve brought you and all the pain I’ve caused you. I am sorry that all your investments in me are not paying off. I am sorry that I’ve always questioned your ways. I am sorry that I wasn’t appreciative of the things you did for me. I am sorry for always comparing the time you gave me versus the time you spent on work. I know that you only want the best for me and you’re doing everything you can to help me achieve my dreams. I am always grateful to have the both of you as my parents. I will always love you both.

To my leaders, I am sorry that I have gone so far away from the path that you have led me to. I am sorry for being such a disappointment after all those promising things I have shown. Sorry for all the times you have told me what I should have done but did not heed your advice. I am very sorry that I couldn’t open these things up to you. I am sorry that all your efforts have gone to waste in me. I am sorry for letting you see this side of me. I am very thankful that I’ve met the both of you, that God has put you into my life and guided me in my Spiritual journey. I am thankful for all the times that you went out of your way to meet me and talk to me. I am very thankful for all the times you’ve been there for me, even with those little things. I really love the both of you.

To Justine, I am sorry for my unfaithfulness to you. I am sorry that I can’t keep my promises to you. I am sorry that I share with you the honor of being my first girlfriend. I am sorry for being this disappointing. I am sorry that you did not see the best of me. I am sorry for being so annoying and being a burden to you. I am sorry for bringing you stress that you should not experience. I am sorry that I cannot give you the best that I have. I never expected that we’d fall in love but I am really grateful to have you. I wouldn’t be here without you. I really like to thank you for being so understanding of me and always being so supportive. Thank you for being my fan at times when I doubt myself. I really appreciate what you made me learn about life. I would have never grown this patient and understanding without you. I will always be happy and proud of you and your achievements. I love you so much.

To Ann, I am sorry that I haven’t been the best of a best friend you need. I am sorry that I have always pushed my agenda on you. I am sorry for being so restrictive with you. I am so sorry for always saying that it was because I love you so much I do these things. I am sorry for all the times that you need me and I wasn’t there. I am sorry for the times that we would have misunderstanding because I am so stubborn with my ideas. I would like to apologize for everything that I’ve burdened you with. I would have never gotten this far without you. I appreciate all the advices you have given me and all the things that you told me. I am really happy that I met you and we became the best of friends. Always remember that I will always be proud to say that you’re my best friend. I love you.

To all my friends, I never would have thought that I would have you. I appreciate all the memories we’ve made. I will always cherish those moments with you. I am sorry that you had to deal with me and my drama. I also apologize for everything that I have not done for you. I am sorry that I can’t mention you one by one but please remember that I love you all and I am very grateful to have you in my life.

To all the people I’ve known, met, and interacted with, I am sorry that you had to deal with me at some point in your life. I am very sorry that I am so undescribably annoying that sometimes, even my mere presence has irritated you so much. I never meant to make you mad and I always regret making you feel mad. I am thankful that you contributed to making the person I am right now.

I feel so tired now that I have written this very senseless letter but I hope that you’ll all be able to forgive me. I am sorry that you had to deal with me and my shenanigans. If I was given another chance, I’ll do my best to make the right choices.

Farewells were never meant to be happy. It’ll always be painful to say goodbye and leave. I don’t want to do this but I think this is the only way. See you again.

[sigyn-loves-loki]

Sigyn still remembers the day when she got to know that she was pregnant. It had been a few years after their marraige. She didn't realize it first. It was her personal handmaiden who brought up the guess when she mentioned to her that she was feeling funny and sick all the time.

"My lady, I think you're pregnant."

"Noooo. What? Seriously?"

"Yes. I think. All the symptoms matches."

"Listen, don't tell anyone before we are sure."

"Yes my lady. If you want then we can go to the healer's chamber to make sure."

That day at the healer's chamber of the Palace, Sigyn got the best news of her life. She was going to become a mother. And if she knew there were two lovely boys waiting for her, she would have burst out with joy. She always thought marrying Loki had been the best thing in her life, until now.

She decided that the first one to know would be the father himself, not the Queen, not even her own mother. She had waited for Loki in their chamber much long the night, but he was late. He has went to one of the councel meetings with Thor. In the next morning she had to hurry because she had a lot of work to do. Morning went to afternoon, and afternoon went to evening. Finally in the night when she had the chance to be alone with Loki, some guard came and told Loki that Thor wants him to accompany him to one of the parties he was invited to. But this time, Sigyn was fed up. She caught her husband's hand and told him to leave Thor alone for a single evening because his wife wants him.

Loki couldn't have guessed what was waiting for him. And then Sigyn broke the news.

"Loki, I'm pregnant." she said smiling.

"My darling what did you just say?" Loki couldn't believe what he just heard.

"You heard it, my little ball of mischief, I'm going to be the mother of your children." she said and wrapped her arms around him.

Loki took her up in his arms and whrilled her around shouting "Oh Sigyn, you can't imagine how happy I am! We are gonna have little babies, of our own."

"Off course, our own. You, the most clever man on Asgard, listen to yourself." Sigyn giggled.

"Oh, look at me how silly I already am."

"It's fine, love. We can both be silly togather when we'll be parents." she said caressing Loki's hairs.

"But......" Loki now turned around to face the wall.

"What is it?"

"Sigyn. What kind of a father will I become? I know you'll be the best parent our child will have, but me? I'm a Frost Giant and my own experiences are harsh. My own father left be abandoned on a rock, and the one who adopted me, gave me a new life, but always preffered the other son before me. I never knew what father's love is. How can I give my child something that I don't know of?"

"You'll be a better father than them. You know how they were, how they treated you. You have their examples. You may not know how to be a father, but you particularly know what NOT to do as a father. I know you'll be the best father in all of nine realms, you'll be their favourite. Not me, not Grandma Frigga, but Papa. Loki you are such a good man, you just don't know it, but I do. You have to believe me. Will you darling?"

"Yes, my love." Loki said and kissed her hand that had been caressing his face all this time.

That night they told Frigga about the news. Oh how happy she was to know that she was going to be a grandmother. She arranged for garden parties and royal feasts for the announcement of the new baby that was to take birth in the royal palace. But Sigyn stopped her, telling her that she was afraid the royal family had a lot of enemies and they might try to do harm. So Frigga understood and cancelled all those. She assured her that as long as the King and Queen were alive, no harm will be done to their grandchildren.

Vali and Narfi have now grown up into little toddlers roaming around the Palace here and there. It has been so many years since the day they were born. Sigyn has to keep an eye on her kids all the time otherwise they will hide somewhere and hurt themselves or someone else. They were like two Lokis. And we don't need to know how notorious they were. Vali got Sigyn's golden hair but has green eyes like his father. And Narfi has raven black hair but blue eyes like Grandma Frigga. Loki loved his children more than anything or anyone in the whole nine realms. There wasn't anything he couldn't do for them. Sigyn and Loki, togather became very good parents.

In all those years, the Palace has transformed. The old walls that was full of moulds were furnished, the big hall changed it's decorations, some very old servants, Sigyn knew of had died. Odin and Frigga were old too, but one couldn't tell it by looking at Frigga's face, because women never age.

Odin has always wanted his throne to be taken by his son. But Thor is not interested in running a realm. He was an explorer himself, he liked to explore the other realms and find new places. Everytime Thor was running off to the biforst, he was like the most happiest person ever. And when he came back, he had so many stories to tell his nephews. Vali and Narfi always claimed that Uncle Thor is the best storyteller, better than mother. That was once when Thor went to a new realm called Midguard and he never went anywhere else. Now whenever Sigyn found him running to the bifrost, she would ask "Thor, where are you going this time?" and he cheerfully replied, "Off to Midguard."

So one day after his return, and on instructions of the Queen, she forced the reason of his frequent visits to Midguard out of him. It was a women, Jane Foster was her name. Thor was in love with her, and from his account she found out that she was in love with him too. So she asked him why he never brought her here and he told her that Jane was a mortal. And that was the answer to every question. They were Gods, they were going to live for thousands of years before they die. But mortals, they just live a few and when this woman will die, Thor will have a lot of life left for him to live alone and that will be painful.

Luckily that wasn't for Loki. Sigyn too was a Goddess. She will live as along as Loki will and he won't have to have a life without her. She can't think of what will happen to him if she won't be around. Loki seems strong, but he is very emotional. He never accepts, but he can't live without the people he loves. Frigga, Thor, Sigyn and his children are everything to him.

Sigyn assured Thor not to worry and live his life to the most as long as he can be with the person he loves and also to bring Jane to Asgard. She should see the big Palace of the Prince she is dating.

continue...........

[onceuponaloonatic]

Lmao mitzu getting all huffy about their baby dating a brooding teen boy + daehyung highkey nervous everytime he sees mitzu + sae in the middle happy with both her parents protection and her bf's love😭

“he’s not good for her!” mina argued.

“yeah he’s so moody! what if it rubs off on her!”

“wow i should not have brought that up.” saya rolled her eyes. “you guys don’t have to be so weird about it. sae’s sixteen. you weren’t so weird about me dating yujin and saki dating eunji.”

“that’s different sae is our baby-”

“ka-san i feel compelled to say i’m a teenager-” sae tried for interrupt.

“see he’s already turning her against us!” tzuyu argued.

“okay everyone calm down. we knew sae was eventually going to start dating. i think it’s sweet she’s doing out with daehyung. you guys may think he’s a broody and mean but he has always been that way. he’s really actually quite sweet. people thought the same thing of you tzuyu.” sana pointed out.

“also can we stop yelling at dinner it’s giving me a headache.” saki complained.

“fine.” mina and tzuyu both pouted. sana had never seen them both so worked up over something. it was actually kind of scary. she thought they were perfect and that mina and tzuyu were going to love their relationship. sae didn’t get heard or ruts, and not did daehyung, so they didn’t have to worry about anybody doing anything weird. daehyung had always been a bit on the awkward side but he really was a sweet boy when you got to know him. he even learned to love haeun, a turnaround no one expected from him. sana thought him and sae were adorable.

“um can i be excused?” sae was the first one to ask.

“so you can text him- give me your phone.”

“mina no.” sana put her foot down. “stop acting like a crazy tiger mom. sae isn’t a helpless child anymore.”

“but-”

“not buts myoui mina. no buts from you either chou tzuyu.” sana nodded. “sae honey, ignore them. of course you can be excused.”

“she’s so scary when she’s angry.” saya whispered to saki.

“i know.” saki nodded. “uh can i be excused to? you know i have homework and all.”

“go. saya why don’t you go to? mom needs to have a chat with your mama and ka-san.”

“yup uh peace out.” the kids had never left the kitchen that fast before.

“look i know sae is the only non alpha of the three of them and i understand that can make you two’s alpha protective instincts all crazy but your crossing a line. he makes sae happy and that’s what matters.” sana explained to her wives. “the girls are growing up. we need to be supportive.”

“but what if he hurts her?” mina asked.

“then i give you permission to go all protective alpha on him.” sana nodded. “just try and be nice to him. i’m inviting him over for dinner next week while the other kids are all out. you have to promise me you will play nice, okay?”

“okay...” they both answered.

“thank you, now go say sorry to sae.” sana told the, smiling as they left. she understood, a part of her was worried for sae too. but the kids were growing up. she couldn’t coddle them too much or things wouldn’t turn out well.

xx

“i don’t know sae. meeting your parents for dinner? that sounds a little scary.” daehyung sighed, messing with sae’s hair. she was laying on her boyfriends chest while they laid in his bed together.

“my mom got my mama and ka-san to promise not to be too much.” sae nodded. “please? we only ever hang out at your place.”

“yeah you live in a house of girls and three of them want to kill me.” daehyung laughed. “i’ll take my crazy family over yours any day.”

“they are sweet.”

“remember that time saya almost got all of us killed at the amusement park.”

“saya just stupid.” sae rolled her eyes. “please?”

“fine.” daehyung sighed. “you own me one.”

“i had dinner with your family tonight i think that’s fair.” sae stuck her tongue out. “anyway want to play smash with me? i’ve been thinking of new ways to beat you.”

“so cocky. let’s go sae.” sae giggled and grabbed her game controller off of daehyung’s night stand. daehyung may not have the sweet boy appearance other boys had but inside he was a nice guy who shared similar interests to her. she just hope her parents could see that.

xx

“i’m nervous.” daehyung admitted as he paced in his girlfriends room. “you didn’t tell me your sisters weren’t here!”

“oh yeah saki had a practice march for volleyball, you into sports they get.” sae nodded. “it will be fine.” sae gave her boyfriend a short kiss. “you have known them your whole life.”

“you know for some reason i don’t think it helps my case that i have known them my whole life.” daehyung sighed. sae nodded and sat on his lap.

“you got this. it’s a fourty five minute dinner than we can play games until you have to go home. we can play animal crossing and mario kart.”

“damn you drive a hard bargain. fine.” daehyung put his hands on sae’s waist and just as he was about to kiss her they heard a knock on sae’s door. they both panicked until it was sana who peeked in on them. sae was still on daehyung’s lap, too afriad it was her mama or ka-san to move.

“dinners ready.” sana smiled at both of their blushes. teenagers were so obvious. “your lucky it was me and wasn’t on of my wives. sae you remember what i taught you right? condoms are-”

“oh my god mom get out!” sae threw the closest pillow to her at her mom and sighed. “let’s go i’m so sorry.”

“it’s fine.” daehyung and sae both had red faced as they went downstairs.

“why are you both red?” was the very first question mina asked. “were you doing something with my daughter daehyung?”

“no ma’am! uh auntie sana just mentioned condoms and-”

“oh so you need condoms because you want to have sex with sae. your both underage i forbid it-”

“no ms.chou! i don’t intend on having sex with sae ever!”

“never?” sae asked her boyfriend.

“oh uh maybe when we are married?”

“so you intend to marry her?” mina asked. daehyung flushed further from the questioning and intentions.

“mina tzuyu stop drilling him. he’s seventeen.” sana giggled at her wives. “come daehyung. you and sae can sit next to me.”

they all sat down at the table and daehyung’s hands shook at mina and tzuyu’s protectiveness.

“so daehyung, what are your intentions with our daughter?” tzuyu asked.

“um i- i like sae. a lot. i’ve uh liked her for a while. and um i just want to treat her well!” daehyung admitted.

“mama daehyung is a good boyfriend. he always waits for ballet practice to end and he always walks me home. he even buys me drinks sometimes. we have a lot in common and i like him a lot too.” sae took her boyfriend’s shaky hand. sure her parents were protective but she loved it. it meant they loved and cared about her a lot. it made her feel loved. but daehyung made her feel loved too. so really, she was getting the best of both worlds.

“you really like him sae?” mina asked.

“i really like him.” sae nodded.

“fine. you have one chance daehyung but if you screw up tzuyu and i are going to break both your legs.” mina threatened.

“yes ma’am. thank you ma’am!” daehyung was much calmer throughout the rest of dinner. afterwards he and sae go back to sae’s room to play video games, mina making them keep the door open.

“was that so bad?” sana asked as she cleaned up dinner.

“we’re loosing all our babies sana.” mina whined. “first we lost saki to eunji, then ai to yujin. and now sae to daehyung.”

“stop being so dramatic.” sana rolled her eyes. “besides, you still have one more you haven’t lost yet.”

[braxbeau]

childhood memory that haunts me

I was 7 years old when you came into my life, I was young and I was going to make mistakes but you saw it as a burden. I was 7 years old when you turned my own mother against me, and you wanted her all to yourself. it started off fun and nice. you would let me play video games in your office with you and you would take me to get food and say “shh don't tell your mom” it wasn't a creepy shh it was a “im here for you because im your new dad” but then after a few months I started to feel like you didnt like me anymore. it was small, being passive aggressive towards me, telling my mom what I did that you didnt like. then it started becoming mean and hurtful to the point where I didnt want to look you in the eye because you always gave me a hard glare that said “don't talk to me, I don't want you around” you never let me play games anymore and I didnt know what was wrong. halloween came around and I had gotten some “bad grades” I had b’s and one c. you convinced my mom to not let me go trick or treating. and now im 18 and I haven't since. you made the house so scary and cool and I wanted to help out but you wouldn't let me in the garage. after a few months I started acting out because I didn't know what else to do to get your attention.  thats when the punishments started. I had 10 minute timeouts and then 20,30, and then 2 hours. when that wasn't enough you told my mom to start hitting me. and she did. she would spank me over and over. I had to choose time out or spankings. and of course I chose spankings because I didn't want to spend 2 1/2 hours staring at a wall trying to use my imagination to take me away from where I was. the spankings hurt more than I can explain. mom used full force on me and I didn't understand why. years later I found out it was because you told her to. one Christmas I had to do practice math because I was getting terrible at school because between chores and punishments I couldn't do homework so I got grounded for not doing good. I was sitting at the table and I wanted to hang ornaments on the tree but mom said no, I had been a bad kid and needed to do work. 8 year old me thought that was absolutely ridiculous and I talked back. I talked back so much because I was tired of being pushed to do stuff I didn't feel like was necessary. mom slapped me across the face and I fell back and hit my head on the wall. mom didn't let up, she started yelling and telling me I was a bad kid and I didn't deserve to be apart of Christmas this year. I started crying because she had never talked to me that way before. after that they stopped eating dinner with me, and I had to make my own food. I did my own laundry, woke myself up for school, walked to school, came back, made food and was sent to my room as usual. my room became my safe place for a long time. after a while I got tired of constantly washing clothes so I stopped and them mom decided I didnt need to so she took away my chore to wash clothes and let me be gross. thats when I started to get bullied. I had gross hair because I didnt know how to properly take care of myself. I had a phobia of mirrors so I never saw how bad I looked. I tried to dress like a boy and at the time I thought it was because I was weird but here I am, transgender. I got picked on, shoved into lockers, called mean names and got beat up. I started stealing food because I didnt have time to make food for myself after getting yelled at to go to my room everytime I got home. then my parents started hiding food from me and making sure there was nothing sweet or something they wanted for them selves. after they realized I was stealing food they locked the cabinets and started to do “inspections” in my room. I lost my safe place after they took my door off. once a month at random times they would go into my room and tear EVERYTHING apart and then once they found something they would ground me, my groundings graduated from going to my room to sitting on the stairs. by this time they had moved my room from upstairs to the basement. so I sat with spiders and stared at a white wall until they said get up. I counted the time once and I had sat there for 6 hours not making a noise or going to the bathroom. one day after school I go home and Chris was in the garage, I asked my mom what he was doing and she said it was a surprise for me. I was excited and I was ready to see what my surprise was. then he came out with a huge wooden board and said this is your gift. I didnt know what it was and then he said “put your name right there.” I soon realized they were going to hit me with it. I started crying and that made them laugh. I don't remember being hit with it much because I tried to block it out but the worst thing that ever happened was Chris picked me up, a nd mom hit me with it everywhere on my body and then sent me downstairs. I got bullied because of my bruises so I had to leave. after I left my school I started going to the mountain home hacker middle school and there I got bullied again. I was better at taking care of myself and though I made some friends the bullying was still bad. Christmas came along and I got a radio from my real dad that played cd’s and the boise mix 106 station. I listened to them for hours on the weekend since my mother and Chris slept until 2 pm. when they got up I knew who was up by the sound of their steps. and that decided if I should go up there or not. when it was Chris he would wake up, pee, go downstairs and go into the garage and smoke. that took 7 minutes, he would come back inside, stare at the basement where I was, and then walk back upstairs to his office which was my old room. when mom woke up she got up, went to pee, came downstairs, got coffee, smoked which took 8 1/2 minutes and then went back upstairs or made breakfast for herself and then called me upstairs. once she woke up mad and I didnt know why and she called me upstairs and started YELLING at me so loud I thought my ears were gonna burst. she did something I wasnt expecting, she picked me up and slammed me on the ground and screamed “you're so fucking stupid!” and then walked off to the garage to smoke. I laid there and cried for a few minutes and then got up and walked to my room. I stayed down there on the floor crying for a long time. when my mom finally came inside she called me upstairs. as much as I flinched at her voice I walked up there and she looked at me, I had learned not to look her in the eyes or cry in front of her because it made her angry but she told me to look at her, when I did she started crying and then hugged me. she said the words I had been dying to hear since the whole thing started, she said she was sorry. that was the first and last time she ever said that. a few months later she tore up my favorite shirt and cut the end of my radio off so I couldn't listen to it anymore. that was when the depression skyrocketed. I started to hate everything and everyone and I was terrified of loud noises or movement towards me. by the time I was in 8th grade things got out of control. I had come out as lesbian and my mother was NOT having it. her and Chris thought I was a disgrace and absolutely hated me. i started cutting and stopped eating in the 7th grade but they didnt know about that. when my mother saw my cuts for the first time she screamed at me and called me pathetic and made me talk to a suicide hotline. the lady on the phone didnt care about anything. I had met a girl named Hana and I was infatuated with her because technically she was my first girlfriend . but she constantly hurt my heart. I was cutting really bad and my mom was making me sit on the stairs for hours again. then I met Malia. she made my days brighter and happier and she understood why I cut and helped me with it. but one day I relapsed and my mom saw and she drug me upstairs and got a wooden spoon and said “you want to feel pain? Ill give you pain” and smacked my still red and bruised arms 3 times as hard as she could w the spoon and then shoved me by the stairs. I cried as hard as I could and she looked at me like I was worthless. I told Malia and she made me feel safe. thats when I started running away and going to her house. one night after I got home from school mom came in and was yelling at me and I didnt understand why so she grabbed a fist full of my hair and shook my head back and forth to the point where I was dizzy and I thought my head was going to fall off. then she shoved me down and almost made me fall down the stairs. I tried killing myself 4 times that year and got admitted to a hospital 2 times. the third time made my mother bankrupt and I don't feel sorry for her to this day. after my second hospital trip my mom sent me to Texas with my grandma like very summer before and when I got there I decided to stay, even if it meant leaving Malia behind. that was the best and worst decision of my life still. but I got better. my mother divorced Chris and she got better too. she got help and things were fine until they weren't with my grandma. 

[her-world-on-fire]

The Nine & Three Quarters Platform {Cedric Diggory x Reader}

MASTERLIST

Summary: Reader is in the Ravenclaw house her and Cedric have been inseparable from the moment they met.

Word Count: 2,532 It’s a long one, I absolutely love Cedric Diggory.

Cedric Diggory x fem!reader

A/N: Sorry my house is Ravenclaw, but if anyone else wants me to do one for your house, feel free to request! :) I love Cedric, and the ideas were flowing.

It was year one. She was looking for the Platform, Platform 9 ¾? Where was that again? It had been so long since she was at the King Cross train station. Her family used to come to Hogwarts all the time, for business. But it was 11:50, if she didn’t find it soon, she was going to miss the train. She would be sent back home, and face the disappointment from her Slytherin parents and family. She was already worried about being sorted into another house. But something in her knew she didn’t belong in Slytherin, nor did she want to be there. She was going to let the hat put her where she belonged. No debating with it. Everything would work itself out. She looked between 9 & 10, then it hit her. She needed to go through the wall, but which one? “No, no I’m going to miss the train!” She cried, her parents weren’t with her, they had affairs to attend to and, “Couldn’t be be bothered for a simple task.” They expected her to know where to go, they were wrong, so very wrong.

She decided to try her luck and started going through the walls, then she saw a boy. He seemed to know where he was going. He had luggage like hers, maybe he was going to Hogwarts too! This was her chance, so she followed him, “Excuse me! Are you going to platform nine and three quarters?” The boy had Brown hair, grey eyes and rosy cheeks, he and what she assumed were his parents, stopped walking. They looked down at her, and took her hand. “Yes sweetie, he is. This is Cedric. He’ll show you around today if you’d like?” His mother asked, relieved she nodded quickly, “Please.” Cedric smiled at her and then looked around. He’s told her how sorry he was multiple times over the years for blurting out what he said next, “Where are you parents?” The poor boy, he looked so genuinely confused. She didn’t know what to say. She didn’t know where they were. It made her a little sad, everyone else had their parents. “Cedric Diggory! Apologize this instant! That was very rude, I’m sorry.” His mother said, she gave his father a look, an almost do-something-look. Before he got into trouble Y/N spoke up, “It’s alright, I’m sure he didn’t mean to be rude.” They looked so greatful to see she understood.

“I don’t know what got into me. Ah I’m so sorry, it makes me feel like a jerk every time I think about it.” He looked down sheepishly, and she laughed, “Are you still going on about that Ced? It’s been years! We were 11, I wouldn’t have been surprised if you told me you lived in a chocolate house. Don’t worry about it.” His parents never let him live it down either. She was glad it happened though, it lead to their friendship, then after that, their relationship. Thanks to her not being able to find that damn platform. It’s the best thing that’s ever happened to her. They arrived and stayed together as long as they could. Then she heard her name called out, the claps immediately stopped, silence filled the room as her last name was called. She went up and the hat was placed on her head. As soon as it was placed, it laughed, “Ah, a L/N.” It almost spoke, then the hat paused, it stayed quiet for like what seemed ages, “We have a… Ravenclaw!”

A mix of laughs, gasps, cheers, and confused expressions filled the room. She began to doubt herself, the laughs were from Slytherin who didn’t believe she could make it in Ravenclaw. They knew her family’s reputation, she would be kicked out soon. The gasps were from those who were in different houses, the hat must’ve made a mistake. Only the hat never makes mistakes. The cheers came from Ravenclaw of course, as most of them welcomed their new first year. The confused expressions came from, the staff. Of course they knew the name. They were almost certain she was going to be Slytherin too, she had to be. She was a L/N, they were worried about the housemates. She just sat down, with a smile on her face. Destined to prove them all wrong, she decided she was going to be the top student in Ravenclaw. She listened for Cedric and stayed quiet during the ceremony. He was sorted into Hufflepuff, thoughts began racing in her head. Did he know her family reputation? Was he scared now? Was he going to abandon her? He was the first and only friend she had, what was she going to do if he did?

He didn’t though. He found her after the ceremony, and congratulated her. He later told her that he got lost, his house left him. That lead to him getting into trouble with his prefect. But in the end, “I’d do everything I did, all over again. Get in trouble a million times, because it lead me to where I am today. And that’s with you.” Cedric was the sweetest, and still is even after all his Hogwart years. He helped her constantly through year one, in fact up until year 7, he always helped her. He never once complained like the gentleman he is. She remembers the day she got stuck on the stairs, before he came to her rescue. “I’ll be fine, the stairs won’t move.” She sighed, “For someone who got sorted into Ravenclaw, I would expect you to know how to save yourself.” Another Ravenclaw sneered, she didn’t know why, she couldn’t get off. Cerdic had come looking for her. She wasn’t at her table in the great hall. Even though it was hard to see, he knew she wasn’t there. They would go to each other’s tables sometimes if they wanted to, so he knew where she sat everyday. He excused himself, and went to the stairs.

There she was, on the second floor, stuck, everytime she went to move the stairs moved. They were going too fast, something was wrong. She jerked back and forth, almost falling. “Y/N! What’s going on?!” Cedric asked worried, it had been a few weeks. She should’ve been used to the stairs by now. She was a Ravenclaw too, and most likely already knew when they would change. She looked down at him, as he rushed up the stairs. Their houses were on the same floor so it wasn’t a challenge for him. “Ced! Give me your wand!” She shouted, as her stairs began moving away from him. He threw it to her, trusting whatever plan she had. She said an incantation and the stairs stopped. “Hey this way! Trust me!” Now it was her turn, and she did. He pulled her to him and they made their way to the great hall slowly. “Thank you again, I’ve been trying to get off these for a while now.” He didn’t mind, he was her friend, but he was worried at the same time. He’s never seen the stairs doing that, and he didn’t hear of anything like that. Before they went in, he took her arm, “What happened?”

“Nothing Ced.” She knew she couldn’t lie to him. He always saw right through it but she decided to give it a try anyways. He gave her a look, “Please, maybe I can help.” She sighed looking around, she took him aside, “Don’t you dare breathe a word of this. Please you’ll only make it worse. I’m the top student in my class. These people, aren’t happy about me in Ravenclaw. They enchanted the stairs, then took my wand.” His blood boiled, but he looked at her face. What she was asking of him? Impossible, it’s why he was sorted into Hufflepuff for god’s sake! Fair-play, those girls were not playing fair at all. Loyalty, what kind of friend would let this happen? Not him. And kindness, he wanted to help her. “Those girls are rotten!” She looked shocked, he had never intentionally insulted anyone. She pulled him into the great hall and they were separated. He would steal glances as he saw a girl holding Y/N’s wand in front of her and snatching it. He sighed, what was he going to do? She wouldn’t speak up, she was a good person, and didn’t want anyone to get in trouble. But he knew she wanted to prove them wrong for her parents, it was so important to her.

“Detention for two weeks! We do not bully students at Hogwarts.” That’s the sentence they had received for all their dirty games. Of course the cruel jokes and enchantments didn’t stop. But Cedric was alway there to try and resolve things and be loyal to his best friend. In the end of each term, she felt good knowing she was the top student. She have proved everyone who laughed and bullied her for getting out into Ravenclaw wrong everyday. Year 4, is when they discovered they liked each other. Cedric had known since the day he met her, but he never knew what he felt was. Now at 14, he could put it into words, and they started dating. She had been a target for back stabbing since she had gotten there. Ravenclaws were so competitive they’re known to stab each other in the back. He hated how she was treated in their dormitory. During the night, her notes had been ripped up, hidden, copied, or simply vanished. “Baby? Tell me, what happened?” Cedric ran to her, he saw her leaving her room. Her eyes were red and puffy and she looked so tired. She looked really bad and that was saying a lot. “All my notes. They’re torn, my notebooks are too.” 

She had spent hours in the library staying ahead in case she needed to for a quidditch game. All of the work she had done, she was so tired of it all. “Here, take me to your room. I can put them back together, then I’ll keep them with me. I’ll give them to you tomorrow morning, no one will touch them with me. I promise.” He gave her a kiss on the forehead as she cried softly. She had been dealing with this for years now. It never ended. “You’re going to get in trouble, I’m not going to risk it. I’ll just re-write them.” He took her hand and looked around, by now the stairs were empty. “No, i can’t keep seeing you like this.” They walked up to the door and waited for the eagle to give her a riddle, “What gets wetter as it gets drier?” Cedric was used to the riddles and was good at them, when he wasn’t he asked Y/N for help. “A towel.” He answered and they were allowed in. No one had noticed they snuck in, she knew there was going to be a student or two that had been studying and lost track of time. They snuck into her room, and he sighed. The room was torn apart, Y/N papers were sprawled across the room. He used the his wand and started anti-jinx and anti-disapparation jinx. Then he repared the ripped notes and notebooks and put protection spells on them. 

“It’s been 6 hours. Stop and get rest.” Cedric appeared in the doorway. One on her friends had called him, she had been studying really hard, trying to pass exams. Then she had to worry about all the protection spells on her things. She couldn’t tell the difference sometimes. She needed help, but never had the time to ask for it. “I can’t Cedric,” She cried, “In Ravenclaw, they stab each other in the back to be on top. This year I’m on their list. I won’t let them.” She hated that they had called him. He wouldn’t be able to stop her, and she began to feel like she was a burden, he was always saving her. But it was a two way street, she just could never see it, all that she did for him. He walked over and pulled her from the desk gently. He shut the books and notebooks, putting them aside. “Y/N, you know all of this by memory, you don’t have to study this much,” He said, stroking her hair, taking stands and moving them from her face. Of course she knew everything by memory, forwards and backwards. “Come and sleep with me tonight, you need to get sleep. I’m going to make sure you get it.” 

 On a good day, she would get 6 hours of sleep. If she was lucky enough to not have any exams, or quidditch matches or practice. They didn’t train as long or hard as Gryffindor did, but it still took up time and energy. The Ravenclaw quidditch team wasn’t really competitive at all, not anything compared to Slytherin or Gryffindor. They were both grateful, but half the time she was running on caffeine or less than 4 hours of sleep. She was working herself to sleep deprivation. It was bad and everyone was worrying, not even Hermione could get her to stop studying. Trying to convince her she didn’t need to. One night, in the middle of a match, she collapsed, she was the beater. Cedric was on the field so quickly. “Y/N stay with me, please. Don’t close your eyes.” After she was rushed to the infirmary, where they found she wasn’t eating or sleeping enough. After the fourth year, she was put on sleeping pills and a schedule and everything was back to normal. They all backed off after they realized what happened, even they had a limit. But the sleeping pills were complicated. 

Sometimes she was found in different parts of the castle sleeping. Of course Cedric picked her up. He was never annoyed, and would rather him do it then someone else. He chuckled as he saw her this time. In the library, mid-walking, she just was asleep on the floor. “I love you so much.” She stirred a little in his arms, but he was sure she didn’t hear him. The pills were pretty strong. He passed by the paintings as they all cooed, “I see she fell asleep in the library again?” he just gave them a nod and headed off to his room. “We did that for the next year. I was called almost every night to go get her from different places. She’s been through so much and I’m glad to be standing here with her by my side. I’m glad for every fight and insecurity from both of us. I wouldn’t change it for the world. Now that it’s our last year I’m asking in front of everyone in the castle, will you marry me?”

[chickenstuffedwithmozzarella]

Holiii!! I saw the pic of Liam and Honey😍😍😍 Asdfahs. They are so cute! And also, i love Liam's eyes. It'a such a nice colour!! And i also saw the gifs!! I love that gif of Louis.  HE LOOKS SO SOFT. I could cry. And Harry😂😂😂 Its such a mood. I always flip people off like that. Jajajaja. AND THE GIF OF HARRY WITH THE PINK JACKET. 😍He is dancing funny and i love hiiim.  Oh, and i havent read that fic but i'll read it asap and then i'll tell you about it. Promise. Thanks for the rec💖 (1)

Hiiii, Love!!!! I’m so sorry it took me so long to answer! but yesterday I was busy, and when I came home my head hurt like a b*tch, 😖😖. Liam’s eyes very pretty, aren’t they? Everyone likes him better (poor honey). I always flip people like that too, jajaja, that’s why I needed a gif, and I found the best, jajajaja. I couldn’t resist. I’m already rereading that fic,😅. I love re reading things I read a long while ago, bc my English has improved a bit since I came to tumblr, and it’s like reading things for the first time again, so cool.

It wasnt hard being updated bcs OT was everywhere, but yeah. I always try to engage in my friend’s hobbies. & some of them do the same. One of my friends used to be a 1D fan before i met her, and though she is not longer in the fandom she tries to be updated. She sends me memes or things that remind her of 1d. She even watched a video of BG without me knowing/telling her about it. I dont deserver her. Ay, and last week she watched freddieismyqueen videos with me on a free period. I 💖 her (2)

HOW DID YOU FRIEND MANAGE TO QUITE?!?!?! Jajajajaja It feels imposible (not that I have tried…). And she sees things and isn’t intrigued about what is happening?? She should write a self help book,jajajaja. “How to suite one direction: the guide”,jajajaja. But she sounds cool and supportive of you, so keep her, jejeje.

Well, you just described me. Talking in public always end up in one of those two options. I have always wanted to do a road trip!!! You are totally invited of course. JAJAJAJA. Well, it just…happened? Our friend was having a very bad time and he was going through a lot of things and we didnt know how to cheer him up. And then one night we just starting watching a video of AuronPlay reading a fic, and he was happy for the first time in months. (3)And so my cousin said “what if we write him a fic?” And i said “omg, yes”. And thus was born. Its a crack fic. We just put in there his family, his biggest celebrity crush, our friends, ourselves and a couple of animals and started writing nonesense. He hasnt read anything yet, bcs we want to finish it first, and me and my cousin (and our siblings, bcs they wanted to help) only hang out alone sporadically. But we laugh a lot writing it. I hope he laughs too when he finally reads it. (4)

You, your sister and your cousins sound so cool. And your friends too. I’m gonna have to migrate and adopt you all, jajajaj. I’m sure your friend is gonna love it. It’s a recipe for success. Keep me updated when you show him and his reaction,please!!

“How does a gay look like?” Like someone with no toxic masculinity. But i see your point. Judging on looks is not cool. (And i dont usually do it. I watched their behaviour or their words. When someone doesnt ever use gender pronouns and just say “they” “parter” “somebody” im just👀👀👀 i see what u are doing). Yes yes. What you said makes sense. I understood. Dont worry. I have never heard that quote, but i think i could marry whoever wrote this. So much truth!! 😱 (6)

Tbh I never payed attention to that, :/ (heteronormative mind and all that). If I had, maybe I had known about a lot of my high school friends’ sexuality. Looking back, we were just a group of friends, boys a girls, nobody cared about boyfriends/girlfriends (we were friends from 12-16). Then we went our separate ways, and we lost touch. And now I see in Facebook that they are gays and lesbians, and I’m like… :/ we didn’t know much about those things back then. And I hope I didn’t make any comments who could offend/affect them. But it makes me so happy to see them being themselves and living with they’re boyfriends and girlfriends… 😊 I just wish I could have been a better friend back then 🤷🏻‍♀️. But now I pay attention to that. And I always try to show support in a non invasive way. And try to educate people about who they’re been homophobic, or make not appropriate comments… like there’s this boy (around 16) that likes to paint his nails. And I love everything to do with nails. And, at the shop, I comment on people’s nails (if I know them enough, lol). And I always try to say something nice to this guy. To normalize the fact that he has his nails painted (and no make a statement that I approve of it, if someone else is listening, so they don’t make rude comments around me). And then my friend’s sister is Lesbian. But their mother is so ancient-minded… like, my friend has a dit of fat, and she’s always making comment about how she should be skinnier bc she won’t ever find a husband 😒. And her sister is very thin. And once, she was working as cleaner in a /cuartel de la guardia civil(?)/. And their mother was always: hmmm, I hope she finds a good guy there, bc she’s never had a boyfriend. And I always thought: I wonder why, lol. Well, she finally came out to her parents, and while they don’t treat her different (which I don’t know if it’s good or no), they’re like “waiting” she changes her mind. And hoping she finds a boyfriend. Anyway, her mother is friends with my mom, and she comes to visit at the shop sometimes, and she always has a comment to make about what people do or don’t do. And I get so angry 😡. I’m always correcting her. But she doesn’t listen. And I feel sorry for my friend and her sister. So whenever I have the chance I saw her my support, and always talk about these things, lol. (I talk so much about lgbt+ things, that my family associates me with it, to the point that every time they see a rainbow or whatever they tell me: look look! And I just satisfied with it. At least they don’t make so much homophobic comments anymore 😒)

YOUR MOM IS AN ANTI? How? “Why would they fake a baby?” Thats a good question with awful answers. I miss RBB&SBB.😍 (I havent explained that to anybody, yet. But once while playing a game my cousins choose Rbb as his nickname so i choose Sbb and our friends started making questions and we where like? 1d things? Long story, leave it for another day? I’m glad they dont remember it bcs i wouldnt know how to explain that😂😂). Was your friend a fan of 1d too? (7)

Well, she isn’t a nasty anti, jajajja, but she doesn’t think they’re together. Not for nothing special, just that she thinks they would say it if they were together. And since they haven’t say it, they aren’t together. But I’ve shown her the famous Christmas pic, and she doesn’t Thing B was ever pregnant. And I show her pics of F to ask for an outsider opinion, and she doesn’t think the kid looks like Louis at all, lmao. So, I think if they ever come out, she wouldn’t care at all. Bahhh, I’ve talked about RBB/SBB with my friend sometimes, but it’s so bad of a thing, that we don’t come to a conclusion. She isn’t a fans, sadly. But she likes celeb gossip, and I like to talk, so… yesterday she came to visit/ to get her arms waxed (bc that’s my other unofficial job) and she ended up staying for 2 hours. Bc we had see each other briefly lately, couldn’t sit and talk properly in a while. And she always asks me about 1d, bc she knows I love to talk about it,jajaja. And I have a sideblog where I reblog things to show her. And well, yesterday we talked a little about BG, and I showed her the no-belly pic, and she was… 😳. And she thinks louis and Harry must be together, at least at some point, bc the way the touched wasn’t in a friendly way. She now has a boyfriend, and she kept saying: I’m not a very touchy person with my friends or my family, but when I’m with him I always want to touch him or kiss him, and that’s what those two were always doing. And I’m always: do you think that for real, or are you just saying it so I stop talking?? Jajjaja. And yes, she’s convinced they are/were together. She asked me if I think they’re still together, and I told her that now more than ever, but it’s a long story, so we should talk about it another time, bc lol, we were just talking about it for a couple of hours, and we both had things to do. So, we’ll keep talking another time.

Of course, I dont share that info with everybody, but I dont mind my friends knowing. I have this one friend that i bother everytime i get frustated bcs of a fic. I tell him the plot, and what is happening and i cry about it (and he laughs at me but at least he listens). Sometimes i make him choose which one should i read next when i cant decide. (9)

I almost did a fic reference yesterday talking with my friend, and I stopped myself midsentece, and laughed (I thought of you,jajaj) and she was so confused!! But she’s used to my weirdness, so we just laughed it way. And I kept talking, jajajajaj.

Girl, i have 6 dioptres😂😂 Thats what i have forbid myself from reading on the phone. No, i havent read that one, but its now on the list. I’ll tell you when i do! Though it make take a while :( (I understand you. Dont worry). (10)

😳 6?!!?! Please take care of your eyes!!! Stop reading… everything!! Jajaja. No, I’m kidding. I know about people who has 8… so you’re still ok,jajajaj. I have 1, but my ophthalmologist told me I’m very sensitive to change, bc I thought I had 27463 diopters, bc I saw so poorly 🙄🙄.

Yes, i also like IDGAF more than New Rules. They have overplayed that one. Have you heard Blow Your Mind? I love that one. It’s also a single so…i guess you have heard it? You’ll get amazing shots, i’m sure. Honey was sleeping on you? 😭😭😭😭 I love hiiim (11)

I listened today Room for 2 and Homesick, and I think I like them. I’ll have to listen this new one two. For me, to like a song, I have to heard /a lot/ (not as much as Despacito, please). It has to have a catchy tune. That’s why I think a like Carolina, or Woman, or Kiwi, and I don’t understand why people is so fidyfvbure about the lyrics, jajjaja.Honey is always sleeping on me. The other day Liam was sleeping between my legs, and Honey came and just laid on top of my poor limo. And I wanted to kill him, bc liam never comes to sleep with me. They’re so different… but I love them both.

Oh, my little sister. I just wanted to tell you that yesterday was her birthday. She almost cried when she saw that me and my older sister had brought her Flicker deluxe as a present. (We hadnt bought it yet. Dont judge us). She was freaking out just bcs of that and i was laughing so hard thinking that she’s gonna pass out when she sees the rainbow flag her friends have gotten her for Nialls show. And also another pair of Cds. She wont survive the show. Poor thing. But she was so happy 😍😍 (12)You start next week? Okay. I’ll ask again next wednseday. Have a nice daaaay!!

Not judging, you’re amazing sisters!! Awww, poor thing!! She will have an amazing time at Niall’s concert, for sure. And, yes, please, tell her to bring the flag. I’m so happy seeing how people are starting to bring rainbow flags to niall concerts too. And have you seeing that he has taken pics with rainbow flags?? He even brought one to the stage the other day!! It makes me inexplicably happy to say everything covered in rainbows. There was so much at Harry’s show too, my sister said it looked like a pride parade. Hey, Dunkirk it’s about to start khbkhdfbvkjdnfvkjndfv. But, have YOU SEEING THE NEW ROYAL BABY WAS NAMED AFTER LOUIS?????? AND HIS TWEET?!?!?  IM SCREAMED!!!! Dijffvjkbdded. Bye love. I have to feed my cats before the movie starts!!! Aaaahhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!

[edenwinchester]

They’ll be alright- Eden Marie Series Part 5

Part 1; Part 2;Part 3;Part 4

Characters: Dean Winchester, Sam Winchester, Mary Winchester, OC Eden, Castiel(Mentioned)

Word Count: 1456

Warnings: Language

Summary: Dean trying to bond with Eden again

Back home Eden went straight to her room and laid down on her bed, staring at the framed picture of Shawn Mendes on her nightstand. She was so disappointed at her dad for falling back into old patterns and she was so mad at herself for believing he wouldn’t.  All she wanted right now was getting Sam back.

Her phone rang. It was Matt, who was already calling for the fifth time today, but Eden ignored the call just like the ones before.

Someone was walking down the hallway to Eden’s door. She could easily hear who it was. A few seconds later her dad opened the door. He sat down on her bed and Eden turned her back at him.

“Please, just leave me alone.” she muttered into her pillow.

Dean placed his hand on her leg trying to soothe her a little. “Hey, I just came to talk.”

“Well, it sure is too late for that!” Eden said annoyed and pushed his hand away.

“Eden!” Dean raised his voice.

“No!” she cut him off, “If you want to do me a favor then you can leave, but don’t try to talk to me, it’s just gonna make things worse.”

“But I’m just wanna make things better.” he said, now calmer.

“Then leave! And don’t try to solve this little problem, you’re definitely going to make the wrong decision!” Eden yelled at him.

Dean stared back at his daughter, surprised by her behavior. “Everything I did today was to protect you from getting hurt. You can’t blame me for trying to protect you, Eden. Don’t you do that!”

She raised her eyebrows, “Oh, no. You don’t seriously think this is about what you did, don’t you?”

“Well, then what is this about? Please enlighten me, Miss Smartmouth!”

Eden laughed at her father’s stupidity and didn’t answer. He could figure this out by himself since he always knew what to do anyways. When Dean realized that he wasn’t going to get an answer, he angrily left his daughters room. Eden hid under her blanket. It wasn’t about what her father had done, it was about how he had done it. She knew that he tried to keep her from getting hurt or worse, but that wasn’t a reason to treat her like a little kid with behavioral disorders. She usually always did what her dad had told her to do, even if she didn’t want to do it, so there had never been a reason for Dean to react like that.

Eden had left her room exactly three times, once to get something to eat and twice to use the toilet, before Sam knocked on her door. Without waiting for an answer he walked in.

“Sammy!” she yelled and jumped into his arms, happy to see him alive and healthy.

“Oh, Baby. I’m so glad you’re okay!” he said relieved as he hugged her back. Eden buried her face in his shoulder to keep herself from crying. After a long hug, they sat down on her bed “So, what did they do to you? You look surprisingly good.”

“Yeah, well. They tortured me but I’m okay now, thanks to Cass.” Sam told her smiling, then more concerned. “I actually thought they would get you too.”

“But they didn’t,” Eden, who was still hugging his arm, answered her uncle. Sam kissed her forehead and stroked her hair. Both remained in this position for a while. “So… My mom is back from death.”

“I know. Still freaks me out and I guess her too,” she said, remembering the first time they met. It was super awkward.

“I-I just don’t know how to act around her, you know? And I have no idea what to say to her… It’s just…”

“Weird?” Eden finished his sentence and he nodded. “Maybe we all just need some time to adjust. I mean, a lot of shit has happened the past few days.”

“You couldn’t think of any other way to say this, huh?” Sam smirked. He wanted to change the subject because he knew how bad Eden was in giving encouraging speeches. “Anyways, we bought food and don’t tell me you’re not hungry…” He stood up and mumbled, “after all you’re still your father’s daughter.”

The teenager started biting her lower lip. She sure was hungry, but she didn’t want to face her dad at all.

“Baby, I wasn’t asking,” her uncle said tugging at her shirt. “Come on.”

So Eden followed Sam to the war room, where the world map table was already set with paper plates and fast food. Dean and Mary were already eating. She sat down opposite of her dad but avoided eye contact. Eden grabbed some fries and chicken, staring down at Siberia on the world map, wondering if the weather there was as bad as her geography teacher once told her. Dean noticed that his daughter still had the big bruise on her left cheek and he started to regret what he said to her yesterday. “Eden, why wouldn’t let Cass fix you up?”

His daughter replied by giving him her death stare, which Dean had been familiar with for almost sixteen years now. Everytime Eden had been mad her father but couldn’t yell at him, mostly because she was afraid of what would happen after she did, she would just give him this hatred look.

Eden quickly ate up so she could go back to her room or perhaps take a shower. She could feel the unpleasant atmosphere in the room and she hated it. “Can I please go now?”

“Fine, go!” Dean dismissed her and she stood up.

As soon as she was gone Mary turned towards Dean, “So she won’t talk to you?”

He shook his head sadly, so Sam decided to back his brother up a little, “Well, Eden might be a cutie but she can be pretty stubborn,” he said, then looked at Dean, “I wonder where she got that from.”

Both Mary and Dean smiled weakly.

“When I saw her standing next to you, Dean, I thought: Wow, she looks a lot like you. But when you look closely, you can see that she also kinda looks like John.” Mary told her sons.

“Yeah, well don’t tell her that. Eden hates to hear it. I mean, what girl wants to look like her father or grandfather.” Dean meant. Everyone, who knew John and had met Eden, said exactly the same thing.

“Understood,” his mother said, “Anyone wants dessert?”

After Dean had finished half of blueberry pie, he decided to try and talk to his daughter again. When he entered her room she was lying on her bed again, wearing pajamas and her fuzzy pink robe, a towel wrapped around her head. She was reading in her Biology book to catch up with all the stuff she missed at school the past few days.

“Eden” he began, but she just rolled her eyes, “Please, hear me out!”

The teenage girl looked up to him. “What is it, Dad?”

Dean took a deep breath,“See, I already told you that everything I ever did was only to protect you, but maybe I’ve been too strict with you. I should have never taken parenting advice from your grandpa.”

Eden actually seemed to listen to him.

“And I should have been there for you when you needed me and not push you away.”

“Damn right you shouldn’t!” his daughter turned her head away from him. At least he knew now what he did wrong.

Dean stepped closer to her bed. He took something out of the pocket of his jeans, which appeared to be the amulet Sam gave to him once. Eden’s jaw dropped. She hasn’t seen that thing in years.

“I want you to have it.” Dean gave it to his daughter slowly, “I know how much you loved it when you were younger.”

“But…” Eden first wanted to say that she couldn’t accept his gift, but then she realized that it was a part of her dad’s peace offer. “Thank you.” She knew that now it was her turn to apologize, so she had to swallow her pride, “Maybe I’ve been acting a little bit…bratty. I probably shouldn’t have talked to you like that yesterday and today.”

“Damn right you shouldn’t!” he mocked her voice, while she softly pinched her cheek.

Eden smiled, staring down at the leather necklace. She knew things were okay. At least for now.

I don’t own these GIFs

@daughters-and-winsisters

[futurefrenchteacher]

Honestly...

There’s a lot I feel I can say now that I couldn’t before. I’ve been reflecting and focusing on more positive things that happened even in the darkest times.

***

A year ago, I was with someone else. Someone that I tried to make it work with. Our lifestyles were just so different. I had a lot of guy friends and he really didn’t like that, and we lived an hour apart. He wasn’t very good to me, but...

***

It wasn’t all bad. He did care about me a lot. Even took me to all his favorite restaurants, refused to let me pay multiple times, and even introduced me to his parents, who liked me. He brought me to all these new places within a city I had never lived in. He rememebered nearly everything I told him. He cried a lot when he let me down or lied to me. There was some good in him.

***

Things changed though, I could see something was wrong. Today, I know that he had been cheating on me, but I hadn’t known at the time. I guess he felt really guilty. But for some reason, he turned his guilt into anger and took everything out on me. I spent so much time with him, helping him and supporting him to quit smoking. He was down to 3 cigarettes a day, which was amazing compared to his usual 7 a day. I was very good to him, I let him go through my phone and it made him feel better for a bit.

***

But he was trying to push me away. He originally wanted to make me his girlfriend, he even said he had a huge plan for how he was going to ask me out, but I guess he slipped, and when he cheated he realized he couldn’t do that with me anymore. He knew that if I met any of his friends, I would find out, and everytime he was with me he always seemed sad. Every time I cuddled up with him I felt like he was broken. He really did care about me, even talked about living with me... and said he never met a girl he wanted to have a future with until he met me.

***

His mom even seemed sad at the time. Every time she saw me... she must’ve known. She’d always make me food and had small conversations with me. There were so many signs he did something wrong...

***

Deeper into our relationship, he kept accusing me of cheating. I know now that this was because he cheated and he wanted to push me away rather than to have me find out. I was fragile and he knew it. It’s not an excuse, but I know now why he treated me like shit. He truly loved me, but he hurt me without me knowing, and wanted me to leave before I actually got hurt by finding out. It became so clear to me today.

***

I remember one day he asked me “would you ever marry a guy like me?” but he looked like he was about to cry. He looked terrified of the answer.

***

He made a huge mistake. He knows that now... I know he cared about me, so much so that he did all this shit. And he said he never felt such a strong sexual connection to someone. When he broke up with me I still didn’t know he cheated. He said that he wished he could take me all the places I wanted to visit. He said he knew that he lost someone he knew he could never get back. He lost someone special, he said. I thought his breakup was so strange. He was still so passionate about me. He wanted to meet up after we broke up multiple times but said he might break down if he did.

***

2 weeks later we were still talking and he still really missed me and wanted to see me, but I was sick of seeing this other girl in his life on his insta story. He had an issue letting me go as he still texted me and called me. But I started a fight to make all communication end. I didn’t want to deal with a break up anymore. I was sick of hurting because it didn’t make sense to me that if he still loved me, why would he be doing this to me?

***

But that’s just it. He messed us up. If we had continued as a thing, it would’ve been toxic. I’m glad he ended it, but I just wish I had known he had cheated because I had no idea til about a month later. Everything would’ve made sense, and though abuse should never be condoned, it wasn’t just done JUST to treat me like shit. He cried a lot with me and I never knew why. I saw so much love in his eyes but little did I know he was involving himself with someone else. And she had a lot more in common with him, but he still loved me. And he even said he was thankful that we were so different because I exposed him to a lot of new things. He got so into gaming with me that he bought me quite a few games and we’d play together lots. I showed him new music and introduced him to Dutch food. I even introduced him to a Dutch holiday, which was nice to celebrate with someone who had no idea what it was.

***

Not everything was bad, and it took me a while to realize that he actually really cared about me. He may talk shit now, but I’ve given him a lot of trouble for the shit he did to me. There’s tension between both of us. But I really hope he’s better. I hope he NEVER fucks up like how he fucked up our relationship. He was so excited to ask me to be his girlfriend, but shit went down that I didn’t know about. I hope he learns to handle things better, and I send him lots of positive vibes. His abusive history is long and extensive, but he is capable of love. I just hope he’s gotten better at how he presents it.

***

I no longer hate him. I really did these last few months, as he continuously threatened and blackmailed me. I questioned whether I should bring it to court and have him get charges for using stuff against me. But I know he’s hurt, he’s broken. He made a huge ass mistake treating me the way he treated me, but all I can hope is that he will focus on himself and stop projecting his problems and insecurities onto others. And that’s what he was - an insecure little boy. Admittedly, he hated his height, his face, his body. He told me he wished he looked different. He went through my phone because he felt every man was more attractive than he was, and he thought I would leave him. He wasn’t confident like he pretended to be in public. He told me a lot of shit that really made me feel for him. He trusted me with his thoughts, his mind, and I appreciated that.

***

I pray for him to become a better person every night. I never want a girl to go thru what I went thru. I never want to hear that another girl suffered. I truly hope he matures and becomes the man he should be.

***

I forgive you. I finally do. Going to church helped me heal so much I can’t even describe it. It felt like a giant weight had just been taken off my shoulders. I could see clearly. I understood.

***

God told me that you hurt me to protect me from a bigger hurt. He told me that sometimes people do this to protect the ones they love. He told me it was wrong of you to put me through that, but he was taking care of the consequences. He told me he had put me in much better hands now, and it’s true. I’m with the love of my life, and I’m treated exactly as I deserve.

***

Most importantly, god told me that you were sorry. Even though you never sounded genuine, you were. And god said he had another plan for you, later on in life.

Now I know you will grow.

***

I’m so glad that god put me at peace. My soul feels so light now, and I’m happier now to let go of it all.

***

I hope you find this peace too.

***

You’ve made your mistakes, and now I know you will truly go thru struggles that will change you for the better. Even though you never really believed in god.

***

Best of luck to you, and like a seed, you shall grow. Find peace. I won’t stop you from finding it anymore.

[spiritualgravity]

The day I left.

A few months back, I shared a story with my husband that fascinated me. A friend from high school, who I reconnected with over Facebook, told me that once a month, she leaves her home and checks into a hotel. It’s usually out of town, too. She’ll get in the car, and drive a few hours to a city she’s never visited before. The twist? She’s a Mother of two girls and is married. 

She literally leaves, escapes, for mental health. Once a month. By herself. To sleep. And to do whatever a Wife and Mother of two girls does by herself for an evening in a hotel room.

I thought that was the most brilliant idea, EVER. And when she told me this admirable life-saving monthly decision, I was pregnant and had absolutely, unequivically no clue how monumental this idea actually is for a stay-at-home parent, much less any parent at all.

Fast forward to 2018, Mother’s Day arrived. One would think I gloated from all of the “First” Mother’s Day attention messages, cards and texts. Soaking up the well wishes and getting to wear an invisible crown for the day. My sweet husband spoiled me with two dozen roses and special jewelry from our favorite shop. Instead though, I was a hot, hot mess. I cried countless times. And I didn’t really know why in the moment. I think in retrospect it’s because deep down at a subconscious level, all I truly wanted in the depths of my core was some time to myself. To sleep, uninterrupted. To not only take a shower, but a long shower. To pamper myself at the salon. I realize that time is now priceless and always will be from this point forward.

I guess when you’re going through the thick of being a new parent, particularly to an award-winning challenging baby, you’re sorta just, numb. You go through the motions, trying your best, trying to forgive yourself for all of your mistakes. For saying things at 3 o’clock in the morning that absolutely mortify you. Your marriage suffers. Your undereye bags suffer. You just...get by and push through the suffering. That’s what I have been doing. 

Surviving the suffering. And Mother’s Day inadvertently caused me to look in the rear view mirror and face all of it.

My daughter turns 8 months old tomorrow. Day one through month 5 were...

I can’t even type the words because I don’t want to appear ungrateful for the gift of being a Mother. But I’ll just say it, they were awful. She wouldn’t sleep, she wouldn’t be placed down in any contraption, she was up every 2 hours breastfeeding throughout the night vs. stretching out longer feeding periods like “normal” babies do {and the word “normal” is a joke, I realize}, she was fussy, colicky, and generally unhappy. She hated car rides, and took 30 minute naps. She had countless allergies that forced me to cut out countless foods as her sole source of nutrition. 

It was awful, yes — pretty much all of it. My clinical postpartum depression sucked me dry from the inside-out. I generally consider myself a warrior. I am competitive, I like to do good at whatever I put my heart into, I am disciplined, and try to make myself proud. But the depression was a dark cloud. The depression was just a disguise for sleep deprivation. By the grace of God, a sleep coach entered our lives and she saved us. Our daughter learned how to sleep {literally}, and she’s been relatively happy for the past three months.

I generally stick to reading non-fiction books, and have fantasized about being a published non-fiction book author for several decades. The one and only fiction author I have followed is Emily Giffin. She wrote a book that was made into a movie, “Something Borrowed.” I registered for a women’s blogging conference years ago in Atlanta just to meet her {and I did, and it was awesome}. I learned that she checks herself into a hotel when she’s on deadline to finish her books. Ever since I learned this insight about her, I fantasized about writing a book in a hotel room. Locking the door for 48-72 hours, drinking delicious red wine, and ordering room service.

My original excuse was that I didn’t have time to write, I was too busy. Then I quit my full-time job and became an entrepreneur — my new excuse was that my original book topic was outdated and I needed a new one. Now I have a baby and she’s my new excuse. 

And I suppose I shouldn’t be so hard on myself this time around because now I literally don’t have time. To take a shower. To go to the gym. To eat a meal sitting down. To go to sleep, and wake up, whenever I want. To pretty much do anything that I used to do daily and took it for granted. 

There is no more free time, ever. Breastfeeding has been all-encompassing. It is something I have been incredibly passionate about since staying up reading literature on my phone for hours on end {while breastfeeding} about the mindblowing benefits to babies. But it came with challenges from the start. Inverted nipples that required a miniature plunger to perk them up for her first week of life in order to eat? I didn’t see that one coming. A baby who is lazy and doesn’t eat much unless it’s in a bottle? Drops in milk production whenever I was acutely stressed? 

At her 4-month Pediatrician’s vist, we were advised to feed her an ADDITIONAL 1-3 ounces in a bottle to “top her off” as she was underweight {per the pressure cooker 1 in 100 average baby weight guidelines that can make a breastfeeding Mother feel inadequate and like a shitty failure}. This meant that after every single solitary breastfeeding session, I had to then immediately pump for 20-30 minutes. I couldn’t store or freeze the pumped milk, I had to turn around and put it right back in her belly through a bottle. I would have been happy to use formula at this point to nourish my child, and save my sanity, but her soy, egg and dairy allergies made that nearly impossible. I was trapped. I already felt like a prisoner in my own home with a colicky baby who screamed bloody murder in a motor vehicle, but now I was strapped up to the damn breastpump around the clock.

In some of my lowest moments, half asleep and delusional, I had visions of leaving. Laying down in the back seat of my car and sleeping. Not actually leaving the driveway, but just temporarily escaping to pretend I didn’t have to personally be responsible for keeping her alive for more than three-to-four hours at a time. On three occassions, I’ve had 24-48 hour out of town excursions in eight months, and everytime leading up to the trip, it was like I was training for a milk marathon, trying to pump extra-extra above and beyond what I already was just to keep her alive while I was gone. I understood why the average woman I’ve chatted with stopped breastfeeding after six weeks.

All I know is, this baby hasn’t been sick one time since her birth day. Sure she’s been a prison cellmate with me in our home together, but I’d like to think that my magical milk has been a contributing factor {at least I tell myself that to ease the pain}.

Today was a pivotal day. I checked myself into a hotel.

My daughter is evidently going through some kind of 8-month sleep regression because her baby brain is growing at warp speed and teeth are piercing through her top gums with vengence. She still feeds once a night, anywhere between 2 a.m.-4 a.m., which I was hoping to phase out soon — since according to a professional sleep coach — baby girl is 100% ready to do so. However, instead, she’s done a 180 degree tap dance in the opposite direction. Last night she woke up at least 6 times — twice to eat and the others were simply random, unexplainable cry fests. 

Meanwhile, my adult brain has felt hungover all day today, but I haven’t had a drop of alcohol to drink. I am so exhausted, it physically hurts. I haven’t had a decent night’s sleep since my second trimester pregnant. My husband overheard me crying to a friend on the phone. A bit later while he was gone out of the house, he texted, “Would you like to get a hotel room tonight and I’ll take care of the baby? I can’t stand seeing you so upset. I haven’t seen you genuinely happy and smiling in too long.”

My heart simultaneously sank, and soared. The text was both disturbing and comforting. That my husband believes I’m unhappy; that breaks my heart. And it’s incredible that he remembered the hotel story; that makes my heart swell.

I drove 4.8 miles away from our home after we put the baby to bed, and will be sleeping solo in a King size bed, on the executive floor, and so far have been treated pretty damn good thanks to my husband’s Hilton Gold Status, thank you very much. 

Forget showering. Have I envisioned myself covered in a bubble bath many-a-times? Yes. For tonight’s escapade, did I strategically pack Epsom salt and bath oils in Ziploc bags? Yes. Did my hotel room only have a stand-up shower? Yes. Did I laugh out loud? Yes. Have I been pumping while typing this blog post with my elbows at a 45-degree angle? Duh.

Serendipity is something I whole-heartedly believe in. Earlier today I received an email from my girl Emily {Giffin}. Are you ready for this? She’s releasing another book, ha! I wonder how many Hilton rewards points she has by now.

Also, today, the fancy-schmancy, lactose & chemical-free, stupid-expensive formula made in Germany arrived on our doorstep for the first time. My breasts took a collective sigh of relief to have some tag-team partners on deck.

I think it’s safe to say that today, the Universe conspired to give me a get out of jail free card. And for that, I am grateful. 

[breathingjustalittle]

No Matter What .

I added him on fb just because he was my crushes best friend. Then he sent me a message, a normal one. That message turned into a couple of messages, then into a conversation. Conversation became conversations. Day and night I'd text him. Even if I was out with to friends I'd sit with my phone. At home, in class moreover even to the loo I'd take my phone. Cause he was simple boy with only one principle in his life, 'Importance'. And the first step to this was obviously replying to his texts immediately. At first he offered me friendship. As we spoke we go to know each other more. Every secret was being revealed, every gossip was being shared. He was fucked up in life. Yes I told you he was simple but that was in what he expected from the friendship. He went to Goa with his friends. Actually until then we were normally texting. Once he went to Goa he obviously got drunk and was continuously stoned. I thought this trip was the end of our new born friendship. But little did I expect, he started to drunk text me, in fact he texted more than usual. Since he was high conversations got more intense. By intense i didn't mean the sexual way, it got intense in a personal way like he told me about his past, present and future, his parents, his family, his friends, his ups and his Downs, the sorrows and the miseries of his life. As I listened to these I opened up as well, cause that's how a conversation happens I guess. I told him my guy problems, about me bff fights, my family and every Happy and sad thing about me. I told him I was commitment phobic and about how I'd flirt with every guy and back off as soon as the sure about relationship and commitment, cause I was the girl who never did the dating thing. As days passed more fights, more sorrys, more love, more attachment and more promises. I had never felt so attached to any guy before. Everyone thought we would date, but I failed to explain it to them that I found a relationship in him which above the girlfriend boyfriend thing, it was pure it was love but not the couple love, it was beyond all those, my soul mate my best friend. He used to talk about his crushes and me about mine we'd feel jealous and fight, but it was not because I liked him it was because once he started dating I'd lose the importance and the attention he gave me and he'd do the same thing when I spoke about boys. After about a month and a half I had end of semester exams and that is the only time I actually study cause failing was never an option. I used to switch off my phone and try to concentrate and he started getting insecurities. Our conversation suddenly had become less because of my exams but that was something I couldn't do anything about. Or figures increased and I couldn't give time to make up for it. But I tried a lot to make up for the lost time I'd call him and talk as soon as I got out from each exam. He had one problem in life and that was he would sleep like a fucking pig. And since I was studying I could text him only late night, so there we go another speed break. Days passed I was done with exams, so next I had holidays. Yay holidays means more time more texting right? Lol no. My parents hate me using my phone so holidays meant jail for me. No going out no phone, only stay at home and do nothing. So what did this mean? I couldn't use my phone so obviously my best friend flipped balls. He thought I was pushing him away. Everytime I had a conversation with him given the little time I got I would keep sending in sorrys and beg to talk to me. He would taunt me, yell at me, make me cry, what not. But I had to accept it, why? Cause it's my fault my parents were strict so my fault I couldn't give him time. Well I did everything possible to give my fullest. I had never given up on my self respect so much as much I did to him. I did not think twice before doing anything to beg him to talk to me. I'd call him 50 times to wake him up send him 300 messages, cry in the end. And once I cried he would finally start talking normally,that was like the final stage of our fight. But after he starts talking normally he would be so nice to me that no other person has ever been to me. Sometimes I used to be okay with him treating me like shit because I knew after he calmed down I'd be treated like his princess with raw love and pure emotions, that was indeed my favorite part. He used to say No matter what he'd never leave me. He used to use no matter what Everytime we fought. And I used to promise no matter what I never leave him. That's why even tho he did things and said things that would kill me I'd say no matter what I'll be here. It was his birthday. It was my girl best friend's birthday on the same day. I couldn't really stay with him so I decided to gift him the things he loved the most, Birthday went well but something was not rght. I felt weird when he kept asking me what was wrong. Were we growing apart? Was I suffocated? Did he hurt me so much by saying things that I had started to walk away? I did not know what. But boh of knew something was wrong. College re opened. I had new friends,We became a squad and by obvious ways it meant we spent more time together as a squad. These people did not like it when I use my phone and they were around, and I was basic table manners i know. So they'd take away my phone and all of that as we started hanging out my best friend thought I was tired of him and trying to push him away. We started fighting again. But this time things were a little more different. All we'd fight about is me pushing him away and I'd try to explain how I wasn't pushing him away and how nothing had changed where as I knew nothing was the same. One fine day I was kind of drunk I was hugging him and talking to him I told him I needed space and some time, I would be back to normal after a while, and that is all I remember I don't know what else I spoke. Well that was the last day we were best friends. Yes. All I asked was for a little space and time for me to set my priorities right and obviously everyone of us need some me time. Cause since the day I had met him I did not have anything called me time. It was not just about him. I was sort of pmsing for too long that I stopped texting people not just him everyone on the whole I used not like using my phone I used to watch game of thrones and read books, this was the time he thought I was avoiding him! I did not have the strength to explain so I just unistalled everything and kept low for a few days. After a few weeks I missed him. I texted him and started to talk. He told me he went through a lot of shit cause I suddenly stopped talking to him. He also told me someone made him understand that even if were husband and wife, brother sister or whatever however close one need their own personal space. He told me he totally understood what I went through and all of that. I was glad he did. But I thought it would take time for us to go back to what we were. He told me he had a crush on some girl and sent me her picture. Well I obviously was jealous but didn't show I told him I was happy for him. I thought it was just a crush. We were talking but we weren't. I did not give my entire day to him cause I had college to attend and later hang out with friends go home and then text, according to what I believed was I texted him day and night to form a bond to get to know each other cause we were starters, but now since we know everything we didn't have to text every minute of the day cause he had his own life and I had mine. But he did not think like how I did. His belief was different. He started talking sarcastically and taunted me all the time made me want to text him even less. Everytime I tried to fix things he'd treat me like shit. So our conversation happened only once in a week or once in two weeks. A few months passed, I was trying my best to get him back I would send him quotes and long messages and stories and put up sad quotes everywhere, I used to spam him with 300 messages try to meet him nothing worked. He was my living ghost. He did not give one fuck. The whole world thought I was sucidal except for him. Every song we shared killed me every time it played. Every sentence he told rang in my head day and night. I would cry every night and end up texting him but he did not respond. He broke all the promises. He became something I never knew. I started going mad. My friends thought I needed therapy. I did not know what to do, but did not stop trying. I drank almost every day and drunk text him. So you know what to expect. One day my friend texted him about his Instagram story and he told her he was dating. My world shattered under my legs my head spun my hands shook, I couldn't think straight. All the messages​ I sent him not knowing he was dating ran in my head I broke down. I did not know why. Was it because he started dating another girl or was it because I want aware of it? I called him up. He answered this time. And he told me that he started dating, I pretended to not know anything an asked him from when expecting he'd say something like a few days ago but no, He said 3 months. Those 3 months included the time he said he had a crush on some girl and all the I love you messages and I can't stay without you paragraphs I had sent him. I felt like life was over. Now I knew why I felt like that. I wasn't jealous that it wasn't me who he dated I was affected by the fact that I did not know about his relationship and I texted him like I wasn't supposed to. I was being a fool. What was I thinking. All his status looked so familiar. He said things to her that he had once told me. But I did not try anymore. Tho we used to text like strangers just to stay in touch. One random day I sat with my friend sipping coffee and told this entire story to her. She told me she hid something from me which she was supposed to tell me. She told me that one of mine and his mutual friend who is her friend as well bumped into her somewhere. He asked her if I were dating my beat friend, she obviously told him that we were just best friends. That guy did not buy that he laughed at her instead and told her that a few weeks back my best friend had drunk called him and told him he was alone drinking at some bar and he cried to him saying he loved me and to me he was just my best friend. So here I am. All I'm left with is one million questions And a lost soul mate, still trying and waiting for him to talk to me. It's been a year now. What happened to the No Matter What?