#I say as if I have a huge following and people who've been Waiting For News

[angeljeonjk97]

Body Work || Bell #4

Jungkook x reader

friends to lovers

18+ (fluff, smut)

warnings: mentions and descriptions of violence, mentions and use of drugs and alcohol

Jeon Jungkook is not the same 19-year-old boy you used to know. Fame has really matured him, in more ways than one.

“You already know how I like it baby”

A knock at the door makes your head shoot up from the ramyeon bowl you were lost in that sat on the small marble island in the middle of your small kitchen.

When you put your left eye up to the peephole, a blonde-haired, slim man and an excited Kiri stood there, beaming a huge smile, waiting for your face to appear from behind the door. Your eyebrows furrow in confusion, wondering why two of your best friends are knocking on your door...you glance at the small, silver clock on the wall beside you... 9:24 pm.

You reach for the lock, turning it to open your door to the people who are standing on your doorstep looking like two frantic little, wide-eyed puppies.

"Hey?" you chuckle, confused as your eyebrows remain in the same furrowed expression, "why are you guys here?"

"Are we not allowed to visit our good friend to check on her?" Jimin acts offended.

Before you can respond, the two of them are already pushing their way past you. You sigh in defeat, clicking the door behind you as they both slide off their shoes and strip their coats from around their shoulders.

"You're both obviously not here just to see me" you chuckle, watching them both rush to hang their coats up, "you look like a pair of kids who've just been told they're going to Disneyland"

"Okay okay okay, come sit" Kiri spits out, a smile still plastered on her face, as she grabs your wrist pulling you to your sofa, Jimin following closely behind.

Once all three of you were sitting, Kiri and Jimin both facing you, sitting opposite you, Kiri takes both of your hands into hers. You stare intently at them, your face still in pure confusion.

"Guess who's back in town?" She asks almost too eagerly.

As soon as you heard those words, you already had a feeling where this conversation was about to go and who Kiri is talking about, but you give both of them the benefit of the doubt. They know that you're over that whole... situation, and don't plan on getting sucked back into it again. Your face relaxes a little, hesitant to even ask.

"Who?"

"Namjoon!" Jimin exclaims, unable to keep his excitement in any longer.

Kiri flicks her head around to Jimin, giving him a disapproving expression, not expecting him to be the one to say it.

Your expression practically falls off your face, as your stare flickers between the pair, expressionless.

Kim Namjoon is your older, kind of ex-boyfriend from two years ago. You two were never officially boyfriend and girlfriend but were dating each other and no one else. You weren't ready for a committed relationship at the time and didn't want to jump into something you weren't even sure you wanted yet. He's a lot older than you, 6 years older to be exact, very intelligent, very attractive, successful, understanding, gentle, and basically everything you'd possibly want in a man. 

You met when you had a holiday job at a cafe 15 minutes away from your apartment where you used to work with both Kiri and Jimin, who still have part-time jobs there. He was a regular there, so regular that you remembered his order off by heart in the 2 and a half months you worked there, you still remember the order even now, a medium white latte with almond milk and a warm blueberry croissant every Monday, Tuesday, Thursday, Friday and Saturday. 

You thought he was good-looking from the minute he walked through the glass, wooden framed, cafe door wearing a beige trench coat, black suit trousers complimented by dark brown loafers and a white button up that was hardly visible with his coat and thick plaid scarf that wrapped around his neck, and he thought the same for you. 

The attraction to each other became very obvious when you two would start talking at the desk and wouldn't realise you were holding up the line with your very flirty conversations and your co-workers would push you onto the till when they would see him come in. Eventually, on a Friday morning in early December, he asked for your phone number and everything flourished from there. He was perfect, everything you could ask for, but one day after a while of seeing each other, he just left the country, not telling you why or where to, just leaving you with an "I love you" text.

 You cried for weeks after it, even in front of Jungkook a few times, not understanding what went wrong, what you did wrong or why he didn't tell you why he was leaving. He was your first love, even though you never said it to his face, you loved him, and you know that he loved you too. You got over him and the whole thing eventually though, and don't plan on ever seeing him again. Or so you thought 

"Oh." is all you can let out, the name flashing you back into all the memories.

"He came to the cafe this morning, asking for you" Jimin declares, still with those wide ecstatic eyes, as he scans your face to read your emotions, "he misses you,"

You close your eyes, relaxing your shoulders a little, slipping your hands out of Kiri's," No. No. I told you, I'm done with all that"

"I thought you still loved him?" Kiri tilts her head slightly with a worried but confused expression.

"I told you, I'm over it"

"But y/n, he was perfect. It won't hurt to try again" Jimin shrugs, unsure as to what your response will be.

"But it will Jimin, just like last time," you get up off the sofa, about to walk to the kitchen," I'm not gonna be left behind with nothing like last time"

The other two follow closely behind, Kiri's voice projecting from behind you,

"You haven't dated since though, and I think this is a great opportunity"

"yeah you think it's a great opportunity, I don't. I don't want to see him ever again." you throw a cabinet open, pulling out a bottle of wine, along with a glass.

Kiri and Jimin stand in the doorway, looking at each other, regretting bringing him up.

"Is that all you guys came here to do? remind me of him?"

"No of course not, but he gave us his new number," a ripped-off corner of a piece of paper is pulled out of Kiri's pocket and put out in front of your face, "think about it. He misses you, a lot and wants to talk to you"

You sigh in defeat, practically ripping the piece of paper from between Kiri's fingers, seeing a flash of a set of numbers inscribed on it.

'Wow the ripped corner of a notebook really shows how much you care' You think to yourself quickly scanning the scrap piece.

Kiri spreads her arms out to wrap them around your frame, embracing you in a hug, "You don't have to, but think about it"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

You play with the scrumpled-up paper in your fingers, observing the numbers written on it, contemplating everything. Lost in your own thoughts, you jump at the sudden thud on the black counter caused by a tattooed hand slamming down in front of you.

You look up, tucking the paper back into your jean pocket, "Jesus Kook. You could've just said hi or something" You smile at him, letting him know you're not being serious.

"You still would've jumped, considering how in your head you just were," Jungkook takes a seat on the stool opposite you. His bare forearms resting on the surface in front of you both, "You alright?"

You let out an exasperated sigh, thinking whether you should tell Jungkook about your kind of ex coming back or not.

It was very obvious Jungkook never liked Namjoon, despite never actually meeting him, even when you were both 'dating'. You know he'll just get annoyed, angry or throw the number away, which is probably the best thing to do but you have been genuinely considering talking to him again, and you need an unbiased opinion. At the same time though, you hate lying to JK or even being a little dishonest with him. It's not how trust is kept between you two, he can also read you really well, meaning you can never really hide your actual feelings about something or someone from him.

"Namjoon's back," You blurt out, exhaustedly, as if you hadn't slept a wink the previous night, well, because you hadn't.

Jungkook just stares at you with wide eyes, mouth slightly agape," Please don't tell me you're actually thinking about him right now," his head tilts to the side a little, like a puppy, his brow now slightly furrowed.

Your silence and lack of eye contact in return is enough for him to know the answer.

He throws his head back, his crown almost touching his shoulder blades, as he lets out a small groan.

"I know, I know, it's probably not the best thing for me to be thinking about right now, but-"

"No, it just isn't the best thing to be thinking about. No probably, it simply isn't. You can't be seriously thinking about talking to that asshole again after he left you for absolutely no reason." Jungkook cuts you off, a stern look now plastered over his face.

You squeeze your eyes shut in frustration but also regret, knowing that this would be his response, and you should've kept your mouth closed.

"Was that piece of paper something to do with it?"

"What piece of paper?" you reply defensively. You were hoping he didn't notice it or see you fiddling with it previously.

He gives you an expression full of disappointment and knowing, causing you to roll your eyes and give in, "It's his number new number"

"Oh, so he changed his number after leaving too? proves how much he wanted to keep in contact with you," the snarky remark doesn't phase you as you know it's just him trying to make a point to you. You hate that he's right.

"I know but Kiri said he wants to talk about it, I just want closure," you softly admit to him, a slight bit of guilt in your body language, even though you're telling the truth, and aren't actually thinking of seeing Namjoon romantically again, or even talking to him ever again after getting closure.

The doe-eyed man stares at you with a shocked expression before loudly exclaiming, "Kiri? How does Kiri know?"

You realise you fucked up again by mentioning Kiri unintentionally.

"He came by the cafe asking for me" the regret on your face grows continuously, "Please just let me think about this"

Jungkook sighs again in defeat, deciding to just trust you and your word, "Alright but if you meet with him, I'm taking you there and picking you up."

You almost go to argue with him, but know that really he's just doing this for your own safety, and because he cares about you. He knows if it goes wrong and you get upset you'll cry and run back to your place, and not come out for days, so if he's there to see you up afterwards, he knows you won't have to suffer alone. He just wants to be there for you. You know that, even though neither of you have verbally said to each other how much you care about one another, you both know that these little acts are out of care.

"What about your training though?" You query, thinking about his career before he even considered it as an obstacle 

"I'll take a rest day that day," he says it like it's nothing, giving you a little shrug. Like it won't probably take him a week to convince his trainer for a potential extra rest day.

After a few minutes of bickering back and forth, you give into Jungkook's stubbornness and his charms allowing him to come with you if you even meet Namjoon again. 

You truly have been thinking about it too much and don't actually know what you want. You're head knows that seeing him again probably isn't the best for your emotions considering it took you so long to get over him and seeing his dimples when he flashes sweet smiles at you, might just send you into a spiral again, but your emotions are basically screaming at you to get closure, and to just be in his presence again. Even though you've grown slight resentment for him, you can't bring yourself to fully hate him. Afterall, its not like you ended on bad terms, or good terms really. 

I mean getting closure won't hurt you. 

<-prev-index-next->

------------------------------

a/n: A late happy holidays to everyone, but I hope you all had a really good time with whatever you celebrate. I can't wait for what 2024 has in store for us all. CANT WAIT FOR JIN AND HOBI TO BE BACK IN 2024 TOO!!!! Anyways thank you again for reading, I hope you're enjoying the series so far. I had a lot of fun writing this chapter so I hope its received positively

Taglist: @yunki-yunki-yunki @hellbornsworld @tatamicc @idkijustlovebts @00frenchfries00 @yoonbicoolest @junecat18

[hyuuukais]

✧˖°ʚ🍓ɞ♡ SUNSHINE AND STRAWBERRIES

pairing ☆ lee felix x fem reader

synopsis ☆ Y/N is a new streamer. after months of planning, and her best friend & now fellow streamer han jisung convincing her, she makes a twitch and youtube account. thanks to jisung giving her a shoutout to his own huge following, she gains some unexpected overnight fame. but what was more unexpected was waking up to see her long-time favourite comfort streamer _sunshine.bbokari_ following her.

warnings ☆ food mention, mention of stalking in an unserious way

[TAGLIST -> CLOSED]

MASTERLIST | PREVIOUS | NEXT

☆ mostly written chapter, 3 screenshots ☆

CHAPTER TEN ☆ THE STREAM

The stream starts off smoothly, fans of both of you trickling in during the waiting screen. You had never played Overcooked 2, but watched the gameplay of it enough times to know what to expect. At least, from the game. You had no idea what to expect when it came to playing with Felix. Jisung had tried to help resssure you, saying to think of Felix as 'just some guy'.

Kinda hard when you've been looking up to him for years.

He started his YouTube channel young, around 14. It didn't start as asmr, but with gaming. You quickly found yourself addicted to his videos, loving the way he described things. It helped that he was someone your age, someone relatable. After starting to stream, you'd stay up most nights to watch with Kai or Jisung, sometimes falling asleep to his voice.

And now here you were, five minutes away from the most anticipated moment of your life.

Another concern of yours was what the chat would be like, especially considering the initial hesitation and hate you had recieved just from being friends with Jisung. It hurt to see, but you felt secure in your friendship. No amount of hate could make you doubt it.

"Y/N?"

The interruption made you look up, seeing Felix's icon light up as he spoke.

"Y/N? You there?"

"Yes!" You cringed at your loud response. "Sorry, yes, I'm here."

He laughed. "Before we start, I just want to say I'm happy you agreed to this! I know we barely know each other still."

That was true. You had no idea what made Felix so excited to get to know you. Had Jisung said more to him than you thought? Actually, you don't even know how close those two were if you thought about it.

"Well, I've only had the biggest crush on you since I was like 14," You blurted, silently cursing yourself. Why didn't you think before speaking?! "Oh my god, that's probably the weirdest thing I could have said to you! I'm so sorry!"

"Ehh, I'm used to weird people," His smile was obvious in his voice. "You'll fit right in with my other friends."

Before you could ask what he meant, it was time to begin.

-

About an hour and a half in, you decided it be best to take a break. Both of you did what you needed, coming back with a snack. You advised the chat to grab something before reading questions or comments.

"Y/N, you can start," Felix stood suddenly, holding up his phone. "Chan is calling, I gotta take this!"

"Oh, okay!" You watched as he disappeared, your nerves coming back to you.

Most questions were for Felix, which you obviously couldn't answer, but there were a lot of comments about you both.

"'Your dynamic is so fun to watch, I'm glad I stopped in'," You smiled. "Thank you so much, aw. There's a few people who've said similar things, so thank you too."

You kept reading positive comments, laughing and feeling more at ease after expecting the worst.

"'Y/N you must be feeling pretty good with'... oh," The smile on your face faded and you looked down.

The comment read, 'Y/N you must be feeling pretty good with your success, too bad it's only because of your... 'friends'. You're so boring on your own.'

There were a few people agreeing, saying you were too quiet, that people only liked you for who you associated with, that you'd never be so popular on your own.

It hurt.

When Felix came back, you tried not to show how you were feeling, easily falling back into laughing along with him.

"Okay, last question!" He announced. "Let's see here... 'hey Lix, did you know about Y/N's old fan account?'"

You nearly choked on your drink.

"Actually yes, I did."

You blush furiously, looking wide eyed at his face in the corner, mouth hanging open. Tears prickled at the corners of your eyes in embarrassment. Before you could say anything. Felix let out a big sigh and a chuckle, shaking his head.

"Fun fact about me... I love secretly interacting with my fans. I may or may not have a secret account..." It was his turn to blush with the confession. "I have a few favourite accounts and," His voice went quieter, "Y/N this is actually so embarrassing to admit to your face, but yours was one of them. When you suddenly stopped posting, I... I was honestly kinda heartbroken. Of course I didn't know it was you at the time!"

For a few moments, you were quiet. What he said came crashing down on you, and suddenly you couldn't stop laughing- no- cackling. He liked your fan account? No, you were one of his favourites?

The idea was so absurd.

"Stop laughing!" He scolded, but his face betrayed him with a wide grin. "It's not- it's not funny! I wanted the world to swallow me up when I found out you were friends with Han considering I'd been lowkey stalking you on the internet for like 3 years!"

Tears streamed freely down your cheeks, and the chat was blowing up. You could barely breathe, coughing to catch your breath.

"Is that why you were so eager to meet?" You asked once you finally calmed down.

"I wanted to put a face to the name," He shrugged, his own laughter calming down. "I mean, I already knew what you looked like I guess. But still! I never expected the chance to meet you."

The chat kept blowing up, but it was finally time to continue what you were here for -- gaming. After a few more frustrating hours, yelling at each other and attempting to be strategic on who does what (but failing horribly), the stream ended.

At the end of the night, your heart felt full. During your years of being a fan account, you worried Felix wasn't who he showed, but tonight and all the texts up until now proved he was even better.

notes ☆ FIRST WRITTEN PART !! also i'm so so excited to get more into the rising stars plotline bc as much as this is a fun fluffy felix x y/n fic, it's also just as much abt y/n on her own! the actually relationship between y/n and felix may be a bit of a slow burn friends to lovers kinda thing bc personally i eat that shit up. but dw!! there are going to be so many cute parts with the two of them. also are we glad the stream was good ?!?! y/n already needed a break LMFAO

taglist ☆ @marcillfll @toplinelix @neri-ner @tfshouldidohere @imasimplol @samvagejkflxhrt @yennifersgeralt @aestheticsluut @cherryuqii @tenebrisirae @roseidol @veryjeongintxtkid @amara-mars @nobuttpics @bmnyy @sheeshhhhfelixsworld @ellelabelle @gini143 @mrsseals16 @veedoesntknaur

pink means it won't let me tag you

[usedpidemo]

Update - Happy New Year! (and some housekeeping)

*TV static intensifies*

Hey everyone! π here.

Once again, I'd like to wish all of you formally a happy new year! This will be my third year with you, and I hope you're still enjoying my works and I appreciate you for your continued support.

Now that I have your attention, I'd like to give you an overall update on things happening behind the scenes, but first:

2023 Poll

I only posted 10 fics over the previous year, rip, but they're easily some of my most popular and positively received works in the library. Vote up to three of your favorite fics released from me during 2023! I was supposed to include Plaid on the list, but I didn't finish it on time, and as a result this poll also delayed lol. You can change your votes anytime if you have a change of heart. Poll begins from today until January 7, 2024 1:00 P.M. KST/12:00 AM EST.

2024 Road map

And because I only posted 10 fics all throughout 2023, my personal goal in 2024 is to increase the amount of releases, while continuing to improve the quality and maintain consistency. Hopefully. In real life, I'll be entering my third year of college once the holidays are over, and this may be the last full year of freedom I get. I might have to do on-the-job training (OJT) and write up my thesis, which requires a lot of personal commitment so I can finally graduate. I'm basically on borrowed time at this point.

Plans change. Shit happens. Everything that I'm about to say isn't exactly a 100% guarantee, and I really don't wanna promise anything because I've broken way too many promises. But here's the initial proposed list of idols that will be getting fics in 2024:

Hanni

Chaeryeong

Ningning

Yunjin

Rei

Sejeong

Nagyung

Haewon

Yuqi

Xiaoting

Minji (Newjeans)

Sakura

Youngeun

Karina

Sullyoon

Heejin

And this doesn't include idols I've already written :)

Looks ambitious—and it is—but if I can complete even half of that list, I feel as if I've already accomplished my goal.

Commissions

To the people who've been waiting for their requests, once again I'd like to apologize for the delays. I feel terrible knowing I've got so many projects in limbo because of circumstances beyond my control, and it feels as though I've betrayed your trust. However, we're picking things up and I'll gradually be releasing them throughout the early stages of 2024. Thank you for waiting just a little bit longer.

With that said, my personal plan is to implement the following so this never happens again: I'll be scaling back on the number of commissions I can accept at a time so there's more breathing room for requests as well as personal ideas/projects. Ideally, this would mean releasing fics in a 2-to-1 format: 2 commissions then 1 personal idea, but this would vary based on personal schedule and overall demand. Balancing real life commitments with burnout is a huge challenge, and I believe this is the most comfortable situation for me. Please understand that I'm still just one guy and I can't do everything all at once. If I could clone myself, I would abuse the shit out of that ability.

Closing

Overall, I've been blessed to have such a wonderful 2023, and I pray 2024 will be just as kind, if not kinder. I've experienced some of the highest highs and the lowest lows, but I personally feel that 2023 was the best year I've had in almost a decade, and this blog is one reason for that. It wasn't as productive as it used to be, but the increasing support is simply humbling. Heck, I've been entrusted to bring some of your visions/fantasies to life, which shows how much faith you have in me to succeed and bring you quality art. There's no amount of words that can express how truly grateful I am to you, the readers, my peers in the writing community, and to our heavenly Father.

Regardless of what happens to me or this blog, I hope 2024 will be kind to you all. Love you.

with grace,

peter / π

[unproduciblesmackdown]

more from the 2011 "the bus" kickstarter's updates via james lantz:

2. We're designing and building our set. We're so lucky to have Michael Schweikardt designing our set. Our director, John Simpkins, and Michael have been working together for years, so it's great to have this team behind The Bus. To give you some idea of some of the talent behind our show, The Wall Street Journal recently said of Michael's set for the acclaimed Goodspeed Musical's production of Showboat, "Michael Schweikardt's compact yet rich-looking sets deserve a prize for sheer ingenuity." Michael is definitely bringing some of that ingenuity to our show at 59E59 -- check out the photo essay below of our work-in-progress set for The Bus. Pictured are our Vermont artisans, John Maurier of Champlain Metals who is building the platform structure, and Mark Dabelstein, our set builder (who worked outside in the rain today ripping out an old gas pump!) 

I have to be quiet right now because I'm preparing this update in the middle of rehearsal so that's why I'm typing lightly (tap, tap, tap...) but I couldn't wait because I really wanted to share an idea with you.... [...] ps. This is my view of rehearsal right now (plus 2 other pics from rehearsal)

Last night I was walking from the rehearsal studio to grab a bite to eat and I passed by our soon-to-be home, 59E59 Theaters -- and there, in front of the theater, was a postcard kiosk with the brand new postcards for The Bus loaded and ready for people to pick up.  Suddenly feels like we're official! (In a couple of days, I can't wait for our two actors, Will and Bryan to see their faces on a HUGE 10' poster in the theater windows!)  [...] You're becoming a topic of conversation, too! New Yorkers are interested in how we crowd-funded our entire play. One industry guy told me, "Look, I'm used to dealing with a handful of wealthy investors to put on my plays -- but 450 people, some who've donated less than $10 -- never heard of that before!" We also got a call from a publicist who inquired about the possibility of a reporter following us to Topeka to write about a crowd-funded play on the road. We'll be sure and keep you posted. Oh, and Thank You to our backers who wrote personal notes to some key press and industry folks -- we were able to get about 55 hand-written notes to some of the most influential theater folk in the city. Thank you!

Okay, so we're minutes away from our first NYC performance and we're sold out! I don't have much time so I'm sending you a photo essay of our first couple of days here at 59E59 that should tell you what we've been up to and, in a small way, let you know that we wish you were here. This is, after all, your show too!

Our last show at 59E59 Theaters was this afternoon -- lots of tears, hugs and a standing ovation. A nice way to end our run at one of the best Off Broadway venues in New York City (Thank you for having us 59E59! We loved being at your theater!). So we loaded up the truck, said our goodbyes to our cast and crew (until December) and soon, we'll be Vermont-bound with our set, costumes and an old Texaco gas pump. Now it's time to turn our sights toward Kansas where we'll be taking our show in December (in our next post, we'll give you more details about our forthcoming performance). In the meantime, we're pretty exhausted here. We'll leave you with some pictures of our load-out and one last shot of us standing in front of 59E59 Theaters.  Oh, one more thought -- there wasn't a single show that YOU weren't present -- you were in the program, on our website, and on our mind every time The Bus took to the stage in NYC. We're not done yet -- we still have our backer rewards to get to you (I'm so sorry for the delay; producing our show has been a much bigger and time-consuming task than I had expected!) and we've got our show in Kansas to produce, too -- but we just cleared a big hurdle and now seems like a good time to say, 'We couldn't have done it without you! Thank you!' 

During the shows I stood in the back of the theater and watched as The Bus unfolded for some of the most attentive audiences we've ever played for. The cast felt it, too -- one of our actors, Bryan Fitzgerald, said that, 'Like no other time, he felt every eye focused on the show like a laser.' It was fascinating to listen to our audiences, too -- what they laughed at, when they were quiet, and when a few of them audibly gasped. Some jokes in the script that never got a response in New York, got hearty and sustained laughter from our generous folks in Kansas. At the end of every show our cast received standing ovations -- lots of tears, smiles and people saying how much they appreciated us bringing the show to their state. We were so moved. 

Nate Phelps, Steph Mott (KEC) and the cast doing a talk back following a performance at The Blue Planet Cafe.

Bryan Fitzgerald, Will Roland and Travis Mitchell during a talkback.

l. to r. Bryan Fitzgerald, Steph Mott (Kansas Equality), Nate Phelps, Jim Lantz, Shepherd Michael, Travis Mitchell, Will Roland, Julia Lawler, Bob Nuner, Kerry McGann and Josh Wright. (not pictured: our incredible director John Simpkins)

Loading the set into MCC Church, Topeka. / Prepping set and sound at MCC Church.

[egopocalypse]

Two Years

So as some of you may know, today is the two-year anniversary of me starting Gone Away. It's been a wild ride since I first came up with the idea, and while it's nowhere near finished (we haven't even gotten past the first act), I wanted to take some time to recognize the day and something else truly special about it.

First, I want to thank the people who've spurred me on during this journey. Without them (especially a certain someone who knows who they are), I wouldn't have even finished the first chapter, let alone written over 80k words for it. The Secret Keepers have been my lifeline, and your enthusiasm and dedication to my fic has motivated me every day to keep going and share a story y'all would be proud of. I'm excited to add more to your number, and for the secret to (eventually) be revealed to the public. It's going to be chaos. ;)

Second, I want to give a special shoutout to the person who's responsible for all of this happening, and for a very special reason. Because not only is it Gone Away's two-year anniversary, but it is also @seaswalllow's birthday. Aiden, you are the lifeblood of Gone Away. From day one, you've been the person I've always turned to for brainstorming, for motivation, for the passion to go on, and more, and you've been there every single time without fail. I genuinely cannot thank you enough for all you've done for me the past several years, especially in regards to Gone Away, but I want you to know that I appreciate you so fucking much each and every day. I love you <33

Next, I want to thank all the readers whose curiosity had them take the plunge and start reading Gone Away. Whether you bailed after Chapter 1 or are eagerly waiting every day for Chapter 9 (which I'm sorry about, btw), you've made a huge impact, and I hope that when Gone Away is finished, it'll be a fic you can look back on fondly that left an impact on you as well. :]

And finally, at Aiden's request, I will post a sneak peek of what's to come for Gone Away. See you in Chapter 9. ;)

“That day, at Tommy’s funeral,” Sapnap says, “Karl said we were meant to save him. I didn’t know what he meant until now.”

“Sapnap–” 

“No, Tubbo,” he says. “If we had been there for you, for both of you, none of this would’ve happened. We should’ve followed you two. It was clear Dream wasn’t the same after Doomsday—fuck, even before it—and if we had been there, we could’ve stopped him. None of this would’ve happened.”

“You’re right,” Tubbo says. “None of this could’ve happened if you came. But we don’t know what would’ve happened if you did. Maybe he would’ve killed more people. Maybe he would’ve killed you! Maybe he would’ve called in that stupid favor with Technoblade early and it would’ve been a slaughterhouse. But maybe you could’ve saved us. Maybe you were meant to, but you didn’t.”

Ender, if Tubbo doesn’t wish they’d been there. He can almost picture it: a stream of people piling out of that nether portal and cornering Dream in his own Trophy Hall, protecting both Tubbo and Tommy from getting hurt or killed, seeing for themselves the hurt Dream planned to inflict on all of them for his own selfish desires. Maybe he’d be the one in the prison instead. Maybe he’d be dead.

Maybe Tubbo wouldn’t have the nightmares that overtook his public execution.

“You didn’t, and that’s something we have to live with,” Tubbo says. “There were reasons why you didn’t. I think everyone except Tommy was in denial of what he was capable of, and that’s because he experienced it first hand. But it’s nothing we can change now, no matter if we want to. Just like Wilbur can’t take back blowing up L’Manberg, and I can’t take back exiling Tommy in the first place.”

Sapnap grips the dirt clinging to the edge of the cliff. It crumbles under his grasp.

“You can’t control the past,” Tubbo continues. “At one point, you could’ve, but that time’s over now. You can’t control the future either because it hasn’t come yet. All you can control is the present, and what you do in it. Staying idle and hoping someone else will take care of it ensures nothing gets done. If you don’t do anything, you can’t blame other people for not helping, either.”

“I know,” Sapnap says. “But I wish I could.”

Tubbo grimaces.

“We all wish we could change shit,” he says. “But the only thing we can change is what we do next time.”

Sapnap bumps Tubbo’s shoulder. “When did you get so smart?”

“Experience, I guess,” Tubbo says. “Though I don’t think anyone can say they don’t have any now. We’ve all been through shit.”

“I’m going to kill him,” Sapnap vows. “Next time I see him, it’ll be my blade going through his neck.”

“I hope it is,” Tubbo says. “You’re the one who has the best chance.”

[eolewyn1010]

Another war council, documented by Mina - present: the dude squad. Also, Mina. Doc van Hellstoker recaps how boat-finding shenanigans went; today he has some very fickle grammar and a little superfluous Latin so we know he's Smart(TM). The dude in charge of the port is bringing back queer dreams for van Hellstoker: "[...] ask many men who are rough and hot; these be better fellows too when they have been no more thirsty." Rough, hot, thirsty men. I mean, okay? Anyway, so we learn from the port folk that Dracula made a less-than-dignified exit with a big straw hat on his head that didn't fit his Goth aesthetic. I'm not sure what's with all the "of blood" and "with blood" in lines that have nothing to do with Dracula's eating, but with the captain of his ship swearing; is this a verbal tick of the sailors of of van Hellstoker's? Whatever, Dracula is gone and so is his box.

Mina keeps worrying about them, especially Jonathan, having to go, but van Hellstoker has a huge righteous murder boner for Dracula going on. He also calls Dracula's home country "barren of peoples". Which, it is definitely not as densely populated as London and surroundings, but even 120 years ago, that was just not true. Is this racism again, what with how he goes into the occult mysteries of the land? Eh. Then he goes out of his way again to tell us what a magnificent, cunning, powerful individual is, and Stoker's doing plain tell-don't-show here because the book does not support this. No back-up plans, he took flight at the first complication, the dude squad is a bunch of idiots but bereft him of all his retreats already, and he personally gave Mina the means to track him down, even though, going by Lucy's vampirizing, he probably didn't need to do that. I simply don't believe that Dracula is an incredibly smart strategist and all that. Stoker is just trying to talk his protagonists up by comparison. And van Hellstoker keeps talking. Prolonged tiger metaphor about Dracula, yet more talk of God and the devil, yet more character shilling to how smart and capable Dracula supposedly is. I'm getting serious Twilight flashbacks.

Instead of, like, booking the next ship to follow him, they don't decide on anything definitive. How nice; the new ship's crew is disposable, I guess. At least Mina feels a bit better now that plans are being made. The polycule breakfasts together, and everyone is like, "oh, if Mina wouldn't have a mark on her forehead, we could all act like there's sunshine and daisies!" Jack also gives Mina the greatest compliment a Stoker character can give a woman - admitting that she forms conclusions of her own. Hurray. He talks Mina's state of mind over with van Hellstoker as she could be influenced, and spied on, by Dracula's mind control via the blood bond. What a splendid new excuse to keep the frail little woman out of the loop! Van Hellstoker also notes that Mina is starting to show physical features of a vampire. However, Mina, the one woman with the skill to form conclusions of her own, has reached this one already by herself and doesn't join the next meeting so as not to serve as Dracula's bug. Van Hellstoker says they can reach Varna, where Dracula goes by ship in at least three weeks, within three days plus a little margin via land. WHAT. HOW. Then why didn't Dracula take that route? And why does this idiot want to wait out till 17th instead of going now and being sure to already be there once Dracula arrives? "A day of preparation" my ass; according to your calculations, you could have two weeks of preparations on-site! Maybe get to know the local circumstances! Hire some locals who've suffered Dracula and know he is a reality! Surround the castle! ...onward.

Quincey Morris' main priority are guns; van Hellstoker's is being Ominous(TM) about shit that might be important to inform Jonathan of, namely that maybe he shouldn't inform Mina of their plans (van Hellstoker is a moron, I'll stick with that); Jonathan's priority is confering with Mina. But first, he has to compare his sleeping wife to a little child. Twice. *retches* Mina wakes up at dusk - now that's very reassuring - and makes Jonathan promise that he'll keep her uninformed so this endeavour may have a chance of success. Then it's gaiety for the rest of the evening; I think that means Mina misses her girlfriend, what with only the dude squad around her.

[tehuti88-art]

4/19/24: r/SketchDaily theme, "Free Draw Friday." This week's characters from my anthro WWII storyline are Lieselotte and Fredrik Albrecht. They aren't major characters, but they do play an important recurring background role; they're the well-off farm couple who take in Otto Himmel's disabled son, Kolten, following his rescue from Project Doomsday by the Trench Rats. Kolten is sweet natured but difficult to handle (he was intended to be used as a superweapon), but fortunately the Albrechts are well equipped (for a sad reason) to care for him. There'll be more about them later in my art Tumblr and Toyhou.se.

Regarding their designs, Lieselotte is on the plump side, and I decided to make Fredrik a rather big but gentle-natured guy too. (BTW, Lieselotte's hair isn't pinned back under her ear, that's just an oddly placed earring.)

TUMBLR EDIT: I haven't any lengthy entry to go for the Albrechts (EDIT, though I guess I've written one anyway!); if they do have any extended history, it hasn't emerged yet. A bit of it appeared, though, as I was browsing my "to-draw" list, so I decided to do them next. They're relatively minor background characters, yet they reappear repeatedly and play an important enough role to deserve mention.

I'm not ENTIRELY sure of their social status. I've described them as farmers, though I don't think that's quite accurate; I think, rather, that they OWN a farm, and once employed people to work it for them. They have a big tract of farmland, and are relatively well off, living in the midst of what's generally considered Junker territory...yet they don't seem to be Junkers. I'd assume some kind of wealthy non-noble hereditary farming family, but I don't know that that's a thing. *shrugs* All I can really say is they're financially well off, even if not rich, and they live in a big fancy farmhouse-mansion thing, with similar houses scattered around the area (a recently abandoned one nearby plays a big role in the afterstory), and they own farmland. Anyway, by the time they appear in the story, the farm has gone defunct and the workers are all gone, presumably off to war-related things, so the Albrecht couple are the only ones left living there.

At some point in the story, while Project Doomsday subject Kolten is being transported between locations for some reason by a German escort, they have a run-in with the Trench Rats, who've received information about the project--and Kolten--from other escaped subject Jakob Wolfstein and Lance Corporal Silver Rat. Wolfstein insists that Kolten is not the threatening superweapon the Americans have been led to believe he is. Yet they're still skeptical; reports claim Kolten, or "Subject Zero," is huge in stature, possesses immense strength and resistance to pain, is full of explosive rage, and oh yeah, is insane. So when word comes through the grapevine that here's a chance to kidnap and potentially nullify him, the Rats seize it, and ambush the German convoy.

It doesn't go quite as planned. The Germans put up a bigger fight than expected, and both parties end up in an area riddled with old abandoned trenches; the Germans remove Kolten from the vehicle he's being transported in and attempt to get him to safety but have to keep evading gunfire. The Trench Rats finally manage to separate Kolten from his guards and take shelter in a trench. Kolten ends up in the company of LC Doomsday Rat, who, as a former subject of Project Doomsday himself, has come along to attempt to control Kolten if necessary. Kolten, his wrists in loose shackles, offers up no fight, just watches with a sort of dumb curiosity as everything happens around him. They're alone in the trench, waiting for the skirmish to end, when a German soldier abruptly appears above them. Ostensibly he's there to get Kolten back...except that Kolten had previously violently attacked him at project headquarters. Seeing him as vulnerable as a fish in a barrel, he instead raises his gun and takes aim. Kolten blinks. Just as the soldier pulls the trigger--D-Day launches himself over the lip of the trench and at him. The soldier, surprised, jerks back, but the gunfire meant for Kolten slams repeatedly into D-Day instead, and he collapses back into the trench, landing crumpled and bloody at the bottom.

Several Trench Rats converge on the spot at that moment, aiming at the German, when with a shattering roar Kolten then launches out of the trench and with a single swing sends the German soldier flying. Guy tumbles head over heels before crashing to the ground; the Trench Rats stand stupefied for a moment as Kolten grabs him by his arm, hauls him up, and hurls him over his head like a ragdoll. He tosses the soldier around and slams him into the ground a few times, bellowing in rage the entire time, before the Rats come to their senses and start yelling for him to stop. It's only when one of them gets close enough to the trench to see D-Day lying at the bottom, and calls out, that Kolten finally stops his assault, panting and sweaty, noticing the Trench Rat's distress at being unable to reach his companion, then glances down into the trench himself. He stumbles heavily back down the earth wall and splashes into the water, making a beeline for D-Day. The Trench Rats raise their voices and their guns, warning him to get back, yet he ignores them and reaches for the unconscious Rat. To their surprise, he stoops down and picks D-Day up--as gentle and careful as anything, cradling him to his chest almost like a baby. He turns back to the Rats and manages to trudge halfway up the earth wall, chunks of it crumbling away under his weight; unable to climb over the top without the use of his hands, he stretches out his arms, holding D-Day up for his companions to reach him. They quickly retrieve D-Day and bustle him off to get medical aid.

A few Rats remain to order Kolten out of the trench; he climbs out and they surround him, herding him toward one of their transport dogs, which he looks at in almost childish wonder. He's told to climb in the side compartment of its saddle. Kolten responds by snapping off his shackles. The Rats react with alarm, shouting for him to hold still; assuming his old restraints must have been damaged in the fight, one of them places on a new set. Kolten then promptly snaps them off as well. Realizing they have nothing on hand that he can't simply break out of, they place on one last set, and order him not to break them off, having to just hope that he'll behave himself. Kolten appears to understand basic English, or else he understands their tone of voice, for he doesn't break the shackles a third time, and instead awkwardly climbs into the compartment. The Rats close him in and follow the others back to Headquarters.

Kolten is placed in a barred cell at Trench Rat Headquarters; they're unsure if the bars can hold him, so tell him to behave, and set up armed guards nearby. Kolten simply sits, and does as he's told. It quickly becomes apparent he's...not quite the superweapon the Nazis have claimed. Yes, he's physically huge, immensely strong, resistant to pain, and full of rage. He's not, however, insane...he addresses the Rats in broken, simple English, and even his native German is stilted and plain, but aside from that, his thought and speech patterns are pretty normal. He has an astonishing memory, especially for faces and for the layouts of buildings--despite being blindfolded when led into Headquarters, he accurately provides a map of his route there, doodling it on the floor of his cell--yet lacks the proper words for many basic concepts, having to use roundabout ways to explain what he means. And his rage seems to be limited to what are basically temper tantrums; his normal state is placid and obedient, and he shows an eagerness to please. He even asks for blocks to play with. If it weren't for the fact that he's built like an ogre, and can snap metal shackles like they're twigs, and toss trained soldiers through the air like feather pillows, anyone observing him might mistake him for a child barely older than four or five.

Sergeant Black Rat goes to see him, waving off the guard who warns him to keep back; he rolls in an apple, which Kolten consumes, core and all, in two bites. When Black mentions Doomsday, Kolten asks if "the little Rat" is all right. Black explains that D-Day has lost a lot of blood, and needs a transfusion. Kolten promptly stands and lumbers forward, thrusting his arms out through the bars so the guard and Black jump back--yet all that Kolten does is turn his hands palms upward. "Magic blood," he exclaims, bobbing his outstretched arms. "It fix little Rat. I have lots. Bitte, take magic blood, bitte." The Trench Rats have figured out that D-Day and Kolten, as subjects of Project Doomsday, must share the same rare blood type and mutation, and Kolten is the only one on hand who can help. Kolten understands this too. He's offering his own blood willingly. The Rats take him to the medical ward, where the surgeon, Burgundy, warns him not to break the equipment. Kolten is led to a bed beside the one D-Day is in; it sags and creaks ominously under his weight, but holds, and Kolten remains still as he's hooked up to an IV which is also connected to D-Day. He sits quietly in his bed and stares at D-Day the entire time he's there, until Burgundy removes the IVs and bandages both their arms; he's then taken back to his cell, without incident. He's given another apple which he downs as quickly as before. D-Day gradually recovers.

The Trench Rats meet to discuss what next to do with their unusual prisoner. Keeping him confined in his small cell no longer seems feasible; it seems cruel. What they'd assumed was insanity appears instead to be a combination of the effects of the Doomsday serum, and some sort of developmental disability. Some of the Rats argue that no matter what his actual condition, Kolten is still a threat, and can't be released; others, such as Corporal Gold Rat, insist that he's safe to be around as long as he's treated properly. Kolten himself is aware of his condition; when Gold asks, he explains the black triangle patch he wears, saying it means that he's "stupid." He mentions spending much of his life in an institution before going to stay with "Doktor-Vater," the doctor in charge of the project, and being prone to tantrums even before the serum was used. Despite the awfulness of being subjected to human experimentation, it's likely this helped spare him from being exterminated by the Nazis as a mental defective. He even pleads with the Trench Rats to not send him back to the psychiatric clinic: "The men in skull-hats will take me away to the bad place. When they do, you never leave, except through the chimney. Bitte, let me stay, I'll be good." The Trench Rats assume that the "men in skull-hats" are the SS, and Kolten will likely be gassed and cremated if they let him go. They can't keep him where he is; they ponder where they should send him next.

LC Mahogany Rat tentatively offers a suggestion. He has a contact in the Abwehr, who in turn has put him in contact with others of anti-Nazi sentiment. Through this contact, he's been introduced to a couple who might be in the perfect place to handle this situation. Fredrik and Lieselotte Albrecht themselves had a son whose mental condition was much similar to, if not the same as, Kolten's; he lacked Kolten's skill with memory, but was prone to tantrums and like Kolten was incapable of learning how to read. Also like Kolten and his building blocks, he developed certain specific fixations, such as obsessing over Fredrik's old model trains, which he would carefully tend to and play with in the former large sitting room of their house, which they'd converted just for him--he would do this for hours, erupting in a rage if anyone tried to take the trains away from him. Mahogany's Abwehr contact, a rather nerdy, well-read man, says that the Albrechts' son never received any formal diagnosis aside from being "slow," but based on his own browsing of medical journals, current studies suggest a condition called autism. Mahogany (who has autistic traits himself) can't adequately describe this concept in a way his fellow Rats understand, though he does insist that this means Kolten is neither insane nor "stupid." Gold Rat is particularly touched by this info, as he'd told Kolten he wasn't stupid, while offering to take his black triangle from him; Gold is dyslexic, and grew up in an environment that treated him as if he were an idiot. The word "stupid" hits him quite hard and he tries never to use it. He asks what became of the Albrechts' son. Mahogany reluctantly replies that, similar to Kolten, he ended up being taken away by the state...some time later, the Albrechts received his death certificate and ashes. Just as Kolten had claimed would happen to him, he was taken by the SS men, and never came back.

Gold pales; he hadn't expected the Albrechts' story to end so gruesomely. Mahogany says that if they're looking for anyone who might be best equipped to handle someone like Kolten, it would be either his family/parents--presumably "Doktor-Vater"--or the Albrechts. Returning Kolten to Project Doomsday is out of the question, so Mahogany offers to ask the Albrechts if they'd be willing to take Kolten in, at least until the end of the war, when a more stable/suitable environment might be found. This proposal is accepted, and the Trench Rats travel out to their farm. Fredrik and Lieselotte seem reluctant and conflicted when presented with this decision; the knowledge that Kolten is the proposed Nazi superweapon is what makes them uneasy. Still..."What if it's like they say," Lieselotte says, "and he's just a frightened boy? Our son never meant any of the harm he did. He didn't understand. What if this one is the same? He deserves a chance...wouldn't you think?" Fredrik is a bit more cautious, but the memory of the loss of their son stings; "Maybe this is a sign," he muses, "maybe Herr Gott is sending us a second chance, another chance to get it right? If we can keep him safe, unlike before...maybe we can do some little bit of good."

The Albrechts soon convince themselves to take Kolten into their home until the war's end. The Trench Rats give them what little information they have, and they prepare their home for his arrival, their spirits and anticipation rising. They fix up their son's little old room at the top of the house, and Fredrik repurposes the unused sitting room yet again, removing the old train sets--wiping at his misty eyes more than once--and clearing the large table; he replaces the trains and scenery with a multitude of wooden blocks of all shapes and sizes, and Lieselotte fills the shelves with picture books and drawing pads. They childproof the home to the best of their ability, and Lieselotte lugs bolts of cloth into her sewing room, prepared to sew new clothes for Kolten as they've been warned about his unusual size. They put away all of their more expensive or sentimental fragile items, and stock the pantry with a good deal of food in case his appetite is unusual to match. They then anxiously await their new guest.

The Trench Rats finally arrive in a military truck. They open the back and Kolten steps out, practically on tiptoe, huddled in on himself, peering about uncertainly. He's never looked more like a child before now; when the Rats lead him onto the Albrechts' porch, and they open the door to greet him, Lieselotte's eyes tear up. "H...hallo, Kolten," she says when the Rats introduce them, and, "Hallo," Kolten says in a very small voice, quite unlike his hulking stature. The Albrechts invite him in; he's reluctant to enter, glancing at Gold, who goes in so he does himself. The Albrechts show him around, speaking softly, moving softly, so he doesn't feel threatened or startled; Kolten keeps his head down and his arms drawn in and doesn't speak the entire time, until they reach the little room under the roof; "I'm sorry the bed is a bit small," Lieselotte says, a little ashamed, "but maybe we can fix up a more comfortable cot for you?" To which Kolten pauses, then peers at her and murmurs, "This...this is my room? For just me?" Lieselotte confirms this, and asks, "You don't like it...?" "Nein," Kolten replies, "just...I've never had a room for just me...only ones with bars on them." Lieselotte has to wipe at her eye.

Lastly, they show him the sitting room with its large table and wooden blocks. For the first time, Kolten lifts his head, and his eyes light up. "For me?" he asks, and Fredrik confirms. "There are some rules, though," he adds; "You can't use the blocks all day," he says, "first you have to take your meals with us--breakfast, lunch, supper--and wash yourself up before bed, same time every night. Liesel can read to you a story before you go to sleep. And you will have chores...you know chores?" Kolten nods--"Ja, I know chores." "Not too hard chores," Fredrik goes on, "just you'll help Liesel and me around the place. If you don't know how to do something, I can teach you. And whenever you're not doing that, you can use your blocks and your books. When it's time for you to do something else, Liesel or I will tell you, and then you have to leave your blocks until you're done. There won't be any argument. You can leave your blocks exactly where they are and no one will touch them until you come back. Can you do this, Kolten...?" "I can," Kolten promises. He points at Gold, who seems surprised to be brought into the conversation, and says, "He says I am not stupid, I can learn," and Gold blushes. "That's right, Kolten," Lieselotte agrees, "there's no one stupid in our house. Just do your best, and that's enough." Kolten is starting to look hopeful, though he pauses, lowers his head a bit again, and murmurs, "May...may I ask one question?" Lieselotte says yes, and Kolten meekly asks, "Are...are there guards here?...and do they hit? Doktor-Vater tells them not to hit...but once in a while, they do." Lieselotte assures him there are no guards, before briefly excusing herself to sniffle and dab a handkerchief at her suddenly streaming eyes.

Kolten handles the introduction to the Albrechts' home well. He grows plaintive when Gold says the Rats have to leave now, and asks if they'll ever come back; Gold replies that he'll see him again, though he's not sure when. Noticing Kolten's dispirited state upon the Trench Rats' departure, Lieselotte asks if he's hungry, thinking to try to distract him; "Nein," Kolten says gloomily, then, oddly, "Danke." He adds, "Herr Hauptsturmführer taught me you always say 'danke' to be polite. Sometimes I forget, but I try." Lieselotte has no idea who "Herr Hauptsturmführer" is, figures he's some SS officer who's interacted enough with Kolten to have made an impression, and replies, "Well...if you forget, you won't get in trouble here, Kolten. So don't you worry if you miss a word here and there. Fredrik and I won't mind."

Over the next days, the Albrechts and Kolten get to know each other. And it's exactly as Mahogany and Gold had suggested. He's huge and incredibly strong, with a deep voice and a glowering look, having to duck his head when stepping through doorways...yet he speaks and thinks and acts much like a child, curious and naive and simple. He has a long memory for slights--he remembers every promise made and broken, and seems to have a strong anxiety of being abandoned, frequently asking them if they're going to leave and not come back, or send him away if he's bad--yet he doesn't carry grudges, and readily accepts apologies when they seem sincere. He doesn't understand written words no matter how much Lieselotte tries to teach him--the only words he appears to know are Blöd, "stupid," the word he wore for years on his chest, and his own name, Kolten, which Gold taught him when taking his black badge--and even with these, Lieselotte theorizes that it's the order and shape of the individual letters that he associates with those words, he isn't actually reading; and he has difficulty with complex subjects and long spoken words. Yet he's always eager to learn new things, and remembers most things he learns, as long as Fredrik and Lieselotte use short, simple words to explain them. He does best with routine and repetition, thus why Fredrik's rules, and chores like woodchopping, are so easy for him (he splits logs with Fredrik's ax as effortlessly as anything, indeed, chopping and carrying wood is the chore he seems to like most); change and the unexpected, he doesn't handle so well, and at such points tends to retreat until things return to normal. He does well without the need for friends other than them; he prefers playing alone, with his blocks or his picture books. He's more interested in objects than people, though he does seem to like and look up to the Albrechts.

This isn't to say there aren't hiccups. The Albrechts learn by trial and error what sort of things set off Kolten's rare but explosive and terrifying rages, and his somewhat more common blue moods. He asks Lieselotte, while sitting in his absurdly tiny bed (it sinks and creaks beneath him, and Lieselotte promises to provide him with something better, at which he insists, "It's fine, it's all right, look, I can fit," perhaps worried that she plans to get rid of him instead), if she'll read him a story like was promised. She asks what kind of stories he likes; he can only say he likes lots of pictures of pretty buildings. Doktor-Vater apparently never bothered reading him bedtime stories. Lieselotte ponders this before fetching a book by the Brothers Grimm; Kolten's never heard of them, but the lush illustrations she shows him capture his attention, especially the gingerbread house in "Hansel & Gretel." He asks all sorts of questions during the story--why are the children abandoned, why is the witch bad, how does she live in a house of gingerbread. Lieselotte has to think up answers to everything ("Magic gingerbread! She's a witch, ja?--obviously, the gingerbread is hexed!"--at which Kolten then asks, "Can you eat hexed gingerbread, is it safe?--does it taste like gingerbread?--does it do anything funny to your insides?"). She then comes to the end of the story, where Gretel shoves the witch in the oven and the children escape with the witch's riches and run back home, not even noticing at first how Kolten's questions have suddenly stopped; she closes the book and smiles at him, though her smile vanishes the instant she sees the look on his face. Kolten's mouth is quivering and his eyes are full of tears; he lets out a little whine and lowers his head into his arms. "Kolten--? What's wrong?" Lieselotte asks, confused and dismayed. To which Kolten whimpers, "Maybe she's a bad witch...but not even a bad witch deserves to be robbed and pushed in an oven. Bitte, I'll be good, don't ever let anyone push me in an oven."

Lieselotte blinks, sucks in a breath. Sure, the Grimms' fairytales have always been gruesome...but the significance of this particular one never struck her before now. Aghast at herself, she fumbles to reopen the book, flips around a bit, then exclaims, "Oh--oh! Look what happened--the pages stuck together! Silly me! That isn't the ending, there's a little bit more! Here, here, let me finish it for you." And she sits and pretends to read, making up an entirely new ending for "Hansel & Gretel," one where the children feel bad about what they did, taking their stolen goods back to the witch's house and letting her out of the oven ("She's a witch, the oven was hexed just like the rest of the house, of course it didn't burn her!"), the witch apologizing and saying she never meant to eat the children, she was just playing a game that went too far but she promises she won't do it again, all of them then returning to the woodcutter's house, the witch and the woodcutter marrying ("See, look!--she's not a bad witch after all, just lonely!") and raising the children as their own. Kolten slowly lifts his head as the story goes on, sniffling a little at first, though by the very end he's rapt; Lieselotte closes the book again with a deep breath, seeing that Kolten is finally mollified, and he obediently lies back and pulls up the covers when she tells him it's time for sleep. He does ask one more question as she gets up to leave: "So, Woodcutter and Witch and Hansel and Gretel, they are a family now?--Vater and Mutter and Kinder?" To which Lieselotte replies, "Ja...I suppose they are a family now." This news seems to satisfy him; they wish each other goodnight, and she shuts the door.

On another occasion, Lieselotte asks Kolten if she can sit and watch him play with his blocks; he consents, and she marvels over the huge, elaborate building he's created. The Albrechts never cease to be amazed by his ability with the blocks, the palaces and complexes and castles he constructs; he dedicates hours of single-minded attention to their construction, then carefully takes them apart when he's done, to start another. When shown pictures and layouts of buildings from books, he can replicate them perfectly, if he has the right blocks; he gets a bit fussy if he doesn't, so Fredrik makes a point of shaping and smoothing all the stray bits of wood from the chopping, and adds them to Kolten's collection. As Lieselotte watches him build this day, she notices an unfinished section missing its keystone; assuming it's in danger of falling apart (Kolten erupts in a bawling tantrum if one of his creations collapses before it's done, and takes hours to settle down again), she reaches out for the block in question. Then gasps and jerks back--quick as lightning, Kolten's hand darts out and grabs the keystone, and he clasps it to his chest, wailing, "NEIN! MINE!" He holds the block away like a jealous parent protecting its child and continues to yell, "No one but he or I can place it! No one else! My keystone! No one else!" It takes quite a long time for Lieselotte--and then Fredrik, who comes running at Kolten's yelling--to calm him down, Lieselotte apologizing profusely and promising not to touch the block again. Then, after Kolten at last stops yelling and relaxes somewhat, his face crumples up and he starts sobbing. "Only he or I can place it," he wails, and "He said he'd come to see me"--and he cries even harder as he clutches the block. The Albrechts realize he's upset not so much about the block anymore, as about whoever is allowed to handle it--they assume Doktor-Vater--and aren't sure how to allay his obvious distress. Fredrik finally coaxes him into helping him chop wood, and Kolten reluctantly sets down the keystone--only after Lieselotte vows not to touch it again--and follows him out, rubbing at his eyes and snuffling. His mood returns to normal by bedtime, though he does beg Lieselotte, before she wishes him goodnight, not to send him away to the place with the chimneys--"I promise I'll be good, I promise I'll try harder." She manages to reassure him, though she does tearfully confide in her husband afterward, "That poor boy...always thinking everyone will turn him away! I don't know how to convince him. He must have gone through so much. The poor thing."

Despite Kolten's fragile moods and occasionally destructive outbursts (he apologizes after each one, begging not to be sent away), the Albrechts learn how to handle him quite well. He never calls them Vater or Mutter (Mahogany, on a visit, suggests that he doesn't really understand the concept of parents--he was raised by the state, and Doktor-Vater is Dr. C, the one behind Project Doomsday, who apparently has the odd habit of requesting all his test subjects to call him Doktor-Vater--he's not Kolten's actual father after all), but he grows to trust them, so much so that Lieselotte shows him a photograph of their son and tells Kolten about him. "He...was like me?" Kolten murmurs; "I did not think anyone was like me." He stares at the photo for a long while. Lieselotte afterward comes across a sketch Kolten made on one of his drawing pads; the lifelike appearance of her son is in stark contrast with Kolten's childish drawings of other things. The Trench Rats check in from time to time, and Kolten adjusts to his new life, which is simple and uneventful and unchanging, the very things he needs to thrive. His tantrums become fewer, he learns some new skills, but most of all, he feels useful; in Dr. C's lab, he says his only use was as a test subject, that otherwise, he was worthless. He says this with such matter-of-factness that Lieselotte's heart hurts...but it helps knowing that he's safe, in a much better place, now.

Late in the war, the Trench Rats contact the Albrechts with news, and a strange request. They've raided Project Doomsday headquarters, finding both other captives/test subjects--including Trench Rats Corporal Drake and LC Teal--as well as taking two captives of their own: project head Dr. C, whose real name is Dietmar Kammler, and Hauptsturmführer, or Captain, Otto Himmel, who apparently oversees the project to ensure that it continues getting funding. Dr. C is killed by Teal while being taken into custody; Himmel, as a high-value captive, is placed in a cell under strict supervision. The Albrechts wonder why the Rats are telling them this; the odd request, it turns out, is because of Himmel, and relates to Kolten. Himmel at first shows no inclination to cooperate with the Trench Rats' own request for information, until he hears someone mention Kolten. He says he'll hand over all the information he has on Project Doomsday--and as overseer, it's quite a lot--for just one thing: A visit to Kolten. He doesn't elaborate, and refuses to say anything else unless they grant this request, then stubbornly falls silent. The Trench Rats debate this for a bit before deciding to grant the request--Himmel will be restrained and accompanied the entire time, surely it can't hurt?--but only if the Albrechts agree. Fredrik and Lieselotte ponder the request; Lieselotte, especially, is uneasy: "What interest does this man have in Kolten, why would he possibly want to see him?--does he want to take him back to the project?" Fredrik reminds her that the Rats insist Project Doomsday is done for good with Kammler's death, and Himmel is a prisoner of war--there's nowhere for Kolten to return to. He suggests they just grant the request and get it over with. Lieselotte finally agrees; the Albrechts give the Rats their answer, and anxiously await their arrival.

The Trench Rats arrive like the first time, in a military truck, and pull someone out of the back--a blindfolded, shackled man in a dusty, bloodstained SS uniform. They pull his blindfold down and he blinks the glare out of his eyes, peering around, his stare falling on the big farmhouse. He glances at the Albrechts--Fredrik draws himself up, trying to look imposing, while Lieselotte cowers a little--and something odd happens--the SS officer lowers his head and draws in on himself a bit. Lieselotte gets a strange feeling she can't explain. A Trench Rat nudges him forward and they make their way to the porch. "Come in," Fredrik says shortly, and they all go inside.

"Kolten's in the sitting room," Fredrik says, "let me fetch him," and he heads up the hall. The group can hear him call out, "Kolten--? Kolten...a visitor to see you." Himmel's expression changes--a mixture of curiosity, hope, anxiety--again, it reminds Lieselotte of something she can't place. Fredrik returns alone, saying, "He's with his blocks...he might get upset if I try to push." To which Himmel promptly responds, "May--may I go in and see? I promise I won't bother him." Fredrik hesitates, then steps aside. The Rats escort Himmel to the doorway and he peers within. His face immediately lights up when he sees Kolten absorbed in assembling a castle; he takes a step, then halts, as Gold Rat pauses to undo his shackles. "Don't try anything," he says under his breath, and steps aside so Himmel can enter.

The Trench Rats and the Albrechts look on as Himmel hesitantly approaches Kolten's table; he pauses to cast the towering castle an admiring look, then looks at Kolten. Kolten doesn't acknowledge him, just keeps building. Himmel sits down across from him and watches him for a while, not speaking. He looks at the loose blocks still scattered across the table before his stare focuses on one in particular--Lieselotte recognizes the keystone immediately--and before she can speak, Himmel reaches for the keystone and puts it in place.

Lieselotte and Fredrik gasp and flinch back, Lieselotte's hands going up to her mouth; Gold glances at them with a puzzled frown. Kolten's hand freezes placing a block, and he stares at the keystone for a beat, then his eyes shift to Himmel. Himmel says softly, "Hallo, Kolten." There's a very long pause.

Kolten: *pause* *sullenly* "You said you would come to see me."

Himmel: *resigned* "I know."

Kolten: "You didn't. I waited for you, but you didn't."

Himmel: "I know, Kolten. I'm so sorry."

Kolten: "Why didn't you come...?" *lowers head* "Did...did you not want to see me...?"

Himmel: "Nein, Kolten, that's not it at all, I wanted to see you, I would have if I could have. But I didn't know where you were. And...I knew that wherever they took you, it had to be safer than where you were before."

Kolten: "With Doktor-Vater...?"

Himmel: "Ja, with him. Have they treated you well here...?"

Kolten: "Herr and Frau Albrecht treat me all right. They give me chores, but not too hard, and books to look at, and blocks to build with, and a sweet sometimes when I'm good. They aren't you, though."

Himmel: "I know. Are you happy here?"

Kolten: "I guess I am. It's nice here, they don't yell at me, not even when I'm bad...they aren't you, though."

Himmel: "I know, Kolten...I'm sorry I didn't keep my promise. But I'm here now."

Kolten: "Does...does this mean I am going back to Doktor-Vater, now...?"

Himmel: "Nein. Doktor-Vater is gone. The project is over."

Kolten: "He's gone...?"

Himmel: *nods* "You're not going back there."

Kolten: *long pause* *uncertainly* "Then...does this mean, I am going with Hauptsturmführer-Vater, now...?"

Himmel sits bolt upright. Fredrik and Lieselotte glance at each other, stunned, as the Trench Rats do the same. Himmel looks just as surprised as the rest of them; he blinks and stammers.

Himmel: "You...you know...?"

Kolten: *shrugs* "I have always known."

Himmel: "But...how? They said at the clinic I couldn't tell you, it would confuse you..."

Kolten: "I remember you. From before, when I was little. I remember the woman too, and Doktor-Vater."

Himmel: "But...you never called me...how do you know who I am?"

Kolten: "I did not know what to call you. In the clinic though, they taught us about family. About Vater and Mutter and Kinder. I asked if I had a Vater or Mutter and they said everyone does so I asked where mine were but they wouldn't say. But when they taught us, they said that a Vater and Mutter love their Kinder..." *looks upward & recites slowly* "...un-con-di-tion-al-ly. That means no matter what." *looks at Himmel* "That's how I knew. You were the only one who loved me un-con-di-tion-al-ly."

Himmel: *tears in eyes* "That's right, Kolten."

Kolten: "Do I go home with you, now? Herr and Frau Albrecht are nice, but I want to go with you."

Himmel: "I'm sorry. You can't come with me right now."

Kolten: "Do you not want me to...?"

Himmel: "Nein, Kolten, that's not it at all. I want you with me more than anything. But I have nowhere to bring you. And you can't come with me where I'm going."

Kolten: "Why not...?"

Himmel: "I've done some bad things...and now I have to go and take responsibility for what I've done. You understand responsibility...?"

Kolten: "Ja, I understand. When I get mad and break something, I take re-spon-si-bil-i-ty."

Himmel: "That's right, Kolten."

Kolten: "You broke something?"

Himmel: *pained look* "That's right. And now I have to take responsibility. You can't come with me, you have to stay here, if the Albrechts will keep you."

Kolten: "Are you going to come back...?"

Himmel: "I don't know, Kolten. But if I can, I will. I'll do everything I can to come back here."

Kolten: "You promise...?"

Himmel: "I promise. I know my promises mean little, now, but I mean it. If I can come back to you, I will."

Kolten: *pause* "You are here now...I believe you."

Himmel and Kolten share a tearful goodbye--Himmel assures Kolten he loves him and Kolten has never disappointed him, at which Kolten surprises him with a hug--and Himmel then returns to the Trench Rats, holding up his arms to be cuffed again. "Danke," he murmurs as they do so, and Lieselotte remembers the time Kolten said, "Herr Hauptsturmführer taught me you always say 'danke' to be polite. Sometimes I forget, but I try." She finally understands: Kolten's father had been teaching him manners. How to be kind. They've been separated most of their lives, but they do remember and love each other.

Himmel is taken back into Trench Rat custody, and provides the information he promised. Dr. Kammler was his brother-in-law--his late wife Dagmar's brother--who attempted to have him killed, so he could take custody of Kolten for use in Project Doomsday. For this reason, when Kolten was liberated by the Trench Rats, Himmel didn't try to get him back, knowing he would be safer with them. Kolten's absence still devastated him, however. He outlines his activities as overseer of the project his own son was in, and these include the execution of a Trench Rat named Corporal Anna Julian. This incident, so abrupt and out of character, has never been explained before now; Himmel claims Julian was in fact a spy working for the Waffen-SS, meaning he killed someone who was technically on his own side. Kolten had repeated, verbatim, comments and conversations he'd overheard Julian make, in which she made it clear she not only embraced Nazi ideals, but was looking to have Kolten struck from the project as useless and, presumably, killed. Himmel did the only thing he could think of to save his son without blowing his own cover--he'd been furtively sabotaging the project from the inside ever since Kammler's attempt on his life--and eliminated the threat. He's been racked with guilt ever since--the only reason he joined the SS was to prevent Kolten from being euthanized--but vows that if he had it to do again, he would. "No one was looking out for my son but me," he says. "I would do anything to keep him safe. Anything."

Shortly after the war ends, Himmel is brought before a military tribunal. Fredrik attends the public event to see for himself what sort of person Kolten's father is. He, and from the sound of it some others in the gallery who've also known Himmel at various points in life, expect some sort of extreme to emerge--either a saint who can do no evil, or a monster who can murder without a second thought. All of them are proven wrong. Himmel is simply a flawed father who chose to do something awful to protect his family. While he does defend his actions, he doesn't protest receiving whatever punishment he's given. His aid to the Trench Rats is taken into account--he massively enhanced their knowledge of Project Doomsday, and pointed them out to what SS records still exist, which may help reunite survivors of the camps--and the verdict is reached; he's found guilty of belonging to a criminal organization, yet is cleared of the charges of war crimes and crimes against humanity. While the tribunal rebukes him for the extrajudicial killing of Corporal Julian, they reviewed enough evidence and similar testimonials--including Kolten's--to show that it's highly likely her death spared some lives. He's stripped of his SS and military ranks and honors, has his weapons confiscated, and is let go. Gold Rat helps him retrieve what few of his belongings he wishes to take with him, and when asked where he'd like to go, Himmel quietly replies, "The Albrechts' farm, bitte."

Fredrik has since returned home to fill Lieselotte in on things. They both think they couldn't possibly kill someone even for the greater good, yet when they think of killing someone to protect their son, they find they aren't so sure. They've spent all of Kolten's time here assuming his absent father must have been a despicable person, to just let his son go like that...but the truth is much murkier. Based on Himmel's testimony, he did everything he could for Kolten, including things that went against his very nature--even his refusal to come fetch Kolten back, thus breaking his promise, was motivated by his desire to keep him safe. "That's love," Lieselotte says, simply, and they both look toward Kolten, playing with his blocks.

A military truck arrives. The Albrechts know who it is before anyone even exits. Himmel and Gold get out, Gold carrying the box with Himmel's belongings, and approach the porch. Lieselotte opens the door before Himmel can knock, and to his surprise, hugs him. She leads them inside, calling for Kolten. He appears in the doorway, head ducked; Himmel's face lights up and he raises his own head just like before, and Lieselotte finally realizes what it was she saw in Himmel's lowered head and drawn-in posture when he last visited: He'd looked exactly like Kolten, when Kolten first came to stay with them. "Hallo, Kolten," Himmel greets him, and Kolten wraps his arms around him, dwarfing his father.

Himmel stays with Kolten and the Albrechts throughout the evening. He asks about the home some distance away, noticing no smoke coming from its chimney; they confirm that it's abandoned. Himmel decides that he'll stay in the abandoned house for now, while Kolten continues living with the Albrechts; they've grown quite fond of him, and have much more to offer him than Himmel currently does, which is basically the shirt on his back. The Albrechts (and Kolten) try to convince him to stay with them as well, but he seems too ill at ease to do so; after nightfall he departs, but promises Kolten he'll return in the morning. And he does, taking breakfast with them, watching Kolten do his chores, joining him as he plays with his blocks, reading to him from a picture book. He heads back to the abandoned house at night. This remains the situation for a while, as Himmel struggles through a long deep winter and an equally deep depression, eventually being drawn out of it by the intercession of some old acquaintances from the war. They arrive in the spring to fix up the house, and Kolten goes to stay with his father--and Himmel's companion Johanna Wolfstein, sister of one of Kolten's fellow test subjects--though he does return to the Albrechts' house every day for chores, and to get sweets and new blocks from "Aunt and Uncle."

Over time, Himmel adopts a handful of children from orphanages, and his acquaintances bring their children to visit, and the Albrechts welcome them as guests, also. Kolten, older and much bigger than they are, is a doting and protective playmate, making sure they never get hurt. The air, previously so still following the loss of the Albrechts' son, fills with childish shouts and laughter. Lieselotte and Fredrik take to sitting out on their porch on warm days, listening to the sounds and smiling wistfully, that at least one parent and child have a happy ending.

[Lieselotte Albrecht 2024 [‎Friday, ‎April ‎19, ‎2024, ‏‎12:00:06 AM]]

[dazais-guardian-angel]

I’m sorry this blog has been so dead-feeling and sporadic for a while now. Not that anyone probably cares, but if any of my followers somehow still enjoy following me, I’m sorry to you all. (tmi health issues below)

I haven’t “updated” in a long while, mostly because I don’t feel like I’m on the verge of dying anymore, like I did all throughout 2017 to maybe halfway through 2018; my health has been pretty stable for a while now. But it’s almost like once my thoughts didn’t have to be preoccupied with constant terror and depression of the worst kind 24/7, now it’s made room for other things to take hold of me. I don’t have panic attacks anymore (at least that I know of; I definitely had one the other night, though), but I have mental anxiety more than ever about really random and ridiculous things, and intrusive thoughts. I’ve gotten a lot of writing done but at the same time feel more unproductive than ever; I’ve always had bad executive dysfunction, but for the last couple months it’s felt worse. I’ve nearly dropped off of drawing entirely; I wish I did it more, but I’ll never be good enough and it’ll never get enough attention to feel like it’s worth the exhaustion it takes. And I probably have actual depression, if I didn’t before then I probably definitely do now; I’ve started to be able to tell the difference in my moods between days, where I feel really invigorated and into something and wanting to do something, and when I feel really down and can’t bring myself to do anything I mean even more than usual lol and feel like I want to cry sometimes for no reason.

I don’t feel as passionate about stuff anymore, which is probably a BIG WARNING SIGN cause I’ve heard other people say this, but yeah. I’m constantly feeling like I should go “give myself a break from writing”, so I just end up playing small, shorty video games that don’t hold my attention very well, instead of working on my backlog of big games that I know are gonna keep me busy for a while each once I start them... otherwise I just stay at my computer thinking that surely I’ll feel like writing something else soon, because I know deep down I want to work on filling my remaining ideas, and I know I can because I have been steadily uploading the last few months, but then I’ll just end up sitting here doing nothing in the end. Or if I get lucky, write. But it just feels like literally everything I do is happening at a snail’s pace now, for no reason. Getting through anime episodes now is tedious, at least for seasonal anime that I’m just trying out and not stuff I already know I’ll love. Keeping up with manga is hard too, I’m so behind on so many series, except for MHA because the chapters are short and weekly instead of monthly, which somehow helps. I like to read at night before sleeping, but I usually fall asleep so quickly after laying down, it’s frustrating. And none of this should matter because no one cares but me but I can’t stand it, especially when my anxiety is constantly making me worried about how long my lifespan is gonna be and that I need to hurry up and do shit quicker. :))))))

All of those mental health diagnoses are just speculation though, since I haven’t been officially looked at by anyone, cause we don’t know where to find anyone. Maybe adhd meds would help me, but who knows when I’ll be able to try any if I do, because I’m already taking so many physical health meds that my parents are always wary about adding unnecessary ones, especially since we’re so uneducated when it comes to the delicacies of mental health meds.

My health problem has morphed into a swallowing problem; I have extra saliva and mucus that gets “stuck” and won’t go down all the way unless I swallow a lot, and I can’t drink or eat anything anymore, which is literally the most agonizing thing in the world, I’m so thirsty (I’m still getting nutrition; please don’t ask how). I’ve done a couple tests and they’ve been fine, so no one knows what’s going on, and my parents have been lax about setting up to go to a better hospital because things aren’t urgent anymore like they used to be now that I have a reflux med. I mean, at least as far as I know; who tf knows what’s happening to me I also have leg nerve pain from sitting in a wheelchair all day every day, which is nothing new at all, it’s been a thing for years, but lately it’s been absolutely agonizing because I’m too underweight to pad my body and my wheelchair isn’t a good fit for me and getting the people to take the steps to change things takes literal months because they’re slow and lazy as molasses. My back is constantly tight too, to varying degrees, sometimes better, and I don’t know what that is, maybe anxiety, but that’s frustrating too cause it makes breathing ever so harder. So yeah, I’m not fearing for my life anymore, at least consciously, but things are still hard and I’m so tired that they’re still like this and they’re just making my mental health worse. I spend most days not doing anything, suffering in some small annoying way that’s enough to keep me from being able to focus on anything, and going to the relief of bed, to repeat forever.

I’m realizing that I’m just lonely. I’m so lonely. Everything is so different now than it was even three years ago; so many of my online friends are gone, even if we’re still mutuals on tumblr; the first online community I ever joined that first got me into online friendships and animanga has long since disbanded. Various mutuals on here I never really talked to but was used to seeing in my activity are gone. Other friends have changed slightly, though they’re still dear to me; I have new ones that are dear to me too, but yet others that I don’t feel a real connection with, and it feels like we’re just surface level acquaintances. One of my two closest and best of friends, one of the first friends I ever made years ago, abandoned me late last year, and to be honest I don’t know why. I did hurt her, but I feel confident in saying that it wasn’t to a degree that was unforgivable, or at least wasn’t worthy of a chance to redeem myself, so.... yeah, I don’t know why. She had changed a lot by that point, shut down a lot, and when I set her off and she left, it was as if all that time we’d spent so close together meant absolutely nothing anymore, had never happened... I don’t understand it. It hurts so much. I tried to contact her in other ways multiple times, by letter and by email, apologizing profusely, and she ignored all of them. It hurts and I’ve thought about it so much, I know I haven’t truly coped with it yet, but have only tried to ignore it, and I desperately need someone to tell me that I didn’t do anything wrong (at least, not wrong enough for that reaction). Cause right now I just still hate myself for it deep down, am so worried about her, worried about how she is right now, wish I knew what she was thinking/thought then, all because of my mistake..... I don’t understand, I don’t know what to do, and it makes me think that all this time I’ve been a lot more terrible of a person than I’ve ever known, and that I’ll just keep accidentally pushing people away by trying to get too close, just like her.

She abandoned me, the few “adult friends” I’ve had irl abandoned me and never talk to me anymore once they stopped working for us, so I guess I’m just cursed this way. The main thing is that I’m seeking and craving interactions with people that no one I know want to have; I love analyzing fiction and getting into the meta and all that stuff, said online friend who abandoned me and I were on nearly the same wavelength when it came to this kind of thing, and we talked for hours and hours about different series and what made them work and why they didn’t work, getting real Deep(tm), and going against popular fandom opinions we thought were wrong (cause we were/are in the minority who disagreed with some of the praise for certain big name series lmao) lol, and that was my normal for a few years... and to have all that be gone is so alien. We were going to collab on a fic together, and that barely got off the ground before she left. I’m dying to have it all back so much, but none of my other friends are into that kind of discussion like she was, and I feel like a piece of shit for acting like they’re “lesser” than her for that, but that’s basically how I’m unintentionally acting.... and I hate myself for it. But I can’t help it; I don’t know what to do. I just know I’m bursting at the seams practically with so much I want to talk about and do that I can’t and I’m so lonely and it’s all so frustrating and depressing and I’m so tired of it all. So aimless and tired and bored and unmotivated and afraid and wishing more than ever that I had 2016 back, before everything became so fucked up in so many ways.

I’m so sorry, anyone who’s friends with me now reading this; you’re all so important to me and I don’t mean to act like you’re not. I’m just sorry I’m such a mess. I need a new purpose, but I don’t know what that is. Maybe I should use this blog to write more meta posts, besides that one. Maybe I should actually post my fics here, although as everyone on tumblr knows, fics get even less notes than art does, so even though my MHA fics get a decent amount of attention as it is, maybe it wouldn’t matter if I put them here too. Is it obvious I’m just a lazy greedy lonely ass craving validation and attention and friendship at this point.......... lol......... I’m just a wreck, I feel so suppressed and aimless, trapped in a life that’s too suffocating and alone for me. And I don’t know how long I and this blog are going to stay this way, so........ I’m sorry, anyone who cares.

Thank you, everyone who’s followed me and still follow me; I appreciate you all so much, and haven’t forgotten a single one of you early ones I’ve talked to before. Hopefully eventually this blog will feel more alive again, eventually........ eventually.............. whenever I find what it is I need, somehow. In the meantime I’ll just keep reblogging MHA posts like a broken record I guess lol.

[hedgiwithapen]

Ok, so, in relation to that post you reblogged about the Avengers not really being friends... like, what are some things that the studio should have done? I'm looking for something a bit more specific than "actually show them being friends" but not as specific as "in <movie>, there should've been a scene <approximate point in event timeline> where <characters> did <thing>". Asking as a writer looking for advice, please help or point to someone who'd be better to ask about this; thank you

so like, this isn't avengers specific because I straight up never watched all of them, and like, the Avengers didn't have to be friends technically but look, superhero teams are more fun when people are friends, and the storybeats that count on characters risking a lot for each other or feeling betrayed fall flat if there isn't /some/ foundation and the avengers SHOULD have been friends-- but! some of my thoughts on writing Characters Being Friends: I don't think the writers (in marvel, but apply all this generally pls) needed to do anything huge--they didn't even have to follow up on the "everyone has a floor in the tower" thing. you don't need to have huge grand " you are my best friend I pledge my life, platonically, to you" for everyone. It can be great to have one or two moments like that, but if you have a huge cast... trim it down, save if for the characters who've had the hardest time with friendship or trust or liking each other, so it'll have the most impact (Ani and Enna in the goose girl have a great moment, not repeated with the other friendships in the book to the same degree because that's not what's needed. ) a lot of small things would have sufficed in marvel, and in other media. it comes down to just... let the characters be friends--that they like each other! more than just tolerate being in the same room!--, and that friendship exists off screen as well, so acknowledge and lean into that. the characters don't only exist in the scenes they're in. think about what they've been doing, and what other characters are doing the same. dos A like work out? might A and B work out at the same Gym? maybe C and D have siblings or kids attending the same school and get dragged to the same silly elementary school talent shows or little league games. maybe E and F are both art thieves--they'd find themselves in the same frame shops or galleries or museum cafes.... use that as a base. if they've only just met because Plot, what things are they gonna use as icebreakers? let them have some conversations that aren't just about the End Of The World/ The Angsty Backstory/plot related things. let them have a fast argument about the best 90s boyband or share agreement on the best Ben and Jerry's flavor. Downtime is great, but harder to get in movies than in books or shows because of time constraints. Not every scene has to be about the big ongoing plot. let the characters get drinks, or ice cream (or, to quote cisco and caitlin in a good downtime scene of s1 of Flash, whichever they find first) and play games or be at a book club or walking out of a movie theater-- let the audience know that these characters don't need the world to be ending in order to spend time in each other's presence. they don't live in the mission control room, waiting on the lead hero's phone call. maybe some characters get the Plot Important News together instead of everyone individually. maybe that info gets phone tree'd, and A says " I'll call B, they're on vacation this week" implying that they know B's plans and the number they'd be reachable under (Leverage does a neat thing with this where all the characters go to find another, and only one of them actually knows where she lives--the two in another car have to hack into the other group's GPS) maybe they eat lunch together every day in the school/ work caf, maybe they carpool. they don't have to be long scenes or big flashy ones, just little nods. references to off screen moments-- a phonecall that opens with "Character? What's up--if you need help with Noodle Incident, I already told you no," before getting to the real reason for the call, comments on " you still owe me 5 bucks from our bet about Characters C and D" have characters remember favorite foods " I brought potstickers!" " my favorite!" "I know, you never shut up about them" or "hey, isn't that my shirt?" " you left it in my car it's mine now." (think GoGo in big hero 6 grabbing for one of Wasabi's tools, she's clearly done this before, and Wasabi's reaction to his nickname--'it was one time people!'--we know

these characters do shit in each other's presence a lot, to the point where jokes get made!) on screen, demonstrations of trust. a character who doesn't show much physical affection leaning against another. During a tense meeting/discussion, a hand of comfort or warning on a shoulder, reaching out to offer a hand. a knowing look and wince of pity from character A when something deeply personal for character B gets brought up, to indicate that A knows this is fucking with B's head and they're not alone. (Beau's habit of putting her hand on Caleb's shoulder in Critical Role) silence, too. moments of characters just existing in each other's space without any plot reason, they're just... together instead of apart. (Tris Reading her book outside the forge while Daja works in Tamora pierce's Circle of magic-- tris didn't have to be there, she could have been in the main building, and daja could still have called to her with magic for help--but they're friends! so Tris is hanging out in proximity!) the Fastball Special is a nice tool here, too-- where two characters have a code for a plan of attack or special move. we learn from that that they practice together, train together, someone came up with this move and they've done it before. throw in some inside jokes between characters! have characters quote each other! (will anything wreck my heart as much as Eliot using Hardison's " age of the geek" in Leverage "the long goodbye job? no.) some things can be even smaller. a blink and miss it shot of a phone indicating that A has a silly emoji next to B's name, a group photo on the wall or desk or computer background. indications of hangouts/ meetings on a calendar. a matching tupperware from A's set in B's kitchen. a third chair already dragged up to the table in a house only two people live, or a mug that refers to a thing C loves that doesn't go with D's style but is on the counter anyways, and C never has to ask where the plates are--unless A has just redecorated and moved them. something to show that C knows this place well. maybe we see a bracelet around E's wrist, and later we see A absently braiding another one in a scene where they have their hands free, and still later, that new bracelet is on B. little things. small details that add up and add up. sure, there are some things (like saving the world or fighting a mountain troll) that make fast forged friends... but most friendships are made in a series of small things. think about the places your friends have intruded--indented--on your life, the way the characters have with each other... and write them in as set dressing. this isn't everything, of course. there's a lot of ways to show characters as friends! but the main thing I suggest is think about the missing moments and what's not "on screen", and use those as a foundation for what you as a writer DO put on the page.

[one-boring-person]

You're Back! (Part Two)

The Lost Boys x reader, slight Pete "Maverick" Mitchell (Top Gun) x reader

Warnings: none

Context: The reader brings Maverick along on one of their trips to Santa Carla, but the boys aren't too happy about it.

A/N: I've been meaning to write this for a little while now, but here's part two to my Top Gun/The Lost Boys crossover! Thank you to @jawline-of-steel for reminding me to actually do it!💛💛💛

Masterlist

Part One

"Damn, what is this place?" The pilot beside me, my good friend and wingman, Maverick, wonders aloud, eyes wide with awe as he looks around the crowded attraction, taking in the huge variety of people around, as well as the odd shops lining the side.

"This, my friend, is the Boardwalk. It's where I spend nearly all my time when I'm off-duty." I inform him, grinning as I lead him through the bodies gathered around the area, gesturing to it as I do so, oddly proud of it, "I traipse the tourist attractions of the Murder Capital of the world."

At my words, he gives me a quizzical look, eyebrow raised in questioning as he adjusts his uniform, the heat making it stick to his skin, as mine is.

"Murder Capital of the world?" The pilot inquires, looking slightly more worried as we push our way along the beachside stretch, my attention on trying to find four particular people.

"Yeah, the Murder Capital." I respond, smirking at him.

"Any particular reason for this name?"

"Well, let's just say this: if all the corpses in Santa Carla were to stand up and continue living, there'd be one hell of a population problem." I explain to him, referencing the words of an old taxidermist I'd met here a little while ago, "Come on, loosen up! You're on holiday!"

I slap his arm lightly, grinning mischievously as he playfully pushes me back, laughing as I throw myself onto his back, gripping on with my arms and legs as he instinctually moves to hold me up, only to start trying to dislodge me seconds later. Giggling, I make sure to hold on tight as he starts rocking from side to side, muscles tensing and loosening under my fingers as he does so, annoying a few people around us. I make a show of clamping on tighter, only to loosen my grip when he suddenly tenses up and stills, head cocked to one side as he regards some newcomers. Following his gaze, I grin brightly as I recognise who it is, climbing off of Maverick with haste, eager to greet them.

"Hey guys! We were just looking for you!" I exclaim as I move over to them, going to throw my arms around Paul, who carefully returns the embrace, before pushing me away a little, ignoring the slightly confused look on my face. I go to Marko and receive the same treatment. Fully expecting it from Dwayne (though not sure why I deserve it) I stand back a little, only to be a little surprised and more reassured when he crushes me against his chest, smiling happily.

"Hey, (Y/n)! How're you?" The dark haired vampire greets, pulling away a little to look into my face.

"Not bad, not bad. How about you guys?" I respond, grinning at him as I step out of his arms, eyeing the others, though they are all preoccupied with something else entirely. Or rather, someone.

"Pretty good, yeah. Who've you brought with you?" He asks, looking up with a smile at Maverick, who stands a little way away, uneasy under the stares of the other vampires.

"This is Maverick. The one in the picture, remember?" I remind him, gesturing for the pilot to come over with a nod of the head, smiling encouragingly at him. Politely, Maverick holds out a hand to Dwayne, waiting for him to shake it.

"It's good to meet you, I've...err, heard a lot about you guys and this place." He supplies, eyeing them nervously.

"Oh? All good, I hope." Dwayne chuckles, being perfectly civil with him, "It's good to finally meet you, too. We've also heard a lot about you."

"You have?" The pilot looks over at me in surprise, eyes locking with mine.

"Don't worry, I never said anything bad." I inform him with a playful wink, grinning at his joking scowl.

"I'm Dwayne, by the way. This is Paul, Marko and David." The dark haired vampire points to each of the others in turn, though their expressions don't change at all as they continue to stare at the pilot, almost hostile.

"Guys? You don't have to scare the hell out of him on his first day here. At least say something." I butt in, looking pointedly at David, who's look at this moment could probably kill Maverick, if that were possible.

"Nice to meet you." The platinum blonde finally growls, extending his hand out for Maverick to shake.

"Err, you too?" The pilot responds, taking the proffered hand, before wincing as David decides to give a show of his superior strength, probably very nearly breaking the bones. The vampire only smiles cynically, blue eyes lit with cruel mirth.

Neither Paul nor Marko say anything, leaving the tension to grow.

"Are you hungry? There are some great food places around here." Dwayne interjects, turning to lead the two of us away from the silent vampires, brown eyes sending me an apology as he does so. Nodding imperceptibly, I follow on, making sure Maverick has fallen into step beside me, feeling bad for him.

"Those are your friends?" He mumbles to me, trying to keep his voice down, though I know full well that they can hear us.

"Yeah."

"They don't say much, do they?"

I laugh at this, knowing this is a new concept for the boys.

"This is new to me. They can never normally shut up." I respond, knowing I'll get in trouble for saying that later.

For the rest of the night, we walk up and down the Boardwalk, going into shops and going on rides, Maverick and Dwayne getting on pretty well, whilst the others do their best to stay as close to me as possible, expressions cold as they watch Maverick and I interact. It's only when we excuse ourselves to find our hotel that they actually say anything.

"See you later, (Y/n)." David promises ominously, eyes betraying exactly what he means as he stares at me intently.

The others corroborate this, completely ignoring Maverick as we walk away, quickly locating the hotel on the main road, where we enter and obtain our room keys.

Finding our rooms, we part ways with a brief farewell, my mind intent on having a shower and getting into bed, though I am well aware that it probably won't happen. Unlocking my room, I enter and drop onto the bed, sighing as I relax against the sheets, tired as hell after the long journey I've had. My rest however, is soon interrupted by the sensation of a hand running down the length of my arm.

Opening my eyes, I swiftly find Marko sat beside me, his doe eyes boring into me as he looks me over.

"Wanna explain yourself, (Y/n)?" Another voice says from a little way away, alerting me to David's presence in the room.

"Explain myself? What for?"

"You and Pilot Guy. What's the big idea?" Paul interjects, sounding annoyed.

"Pilot Guy? You mean Maverick? There's no "big idea", we're friends." I inform them, rolling my eyes.

"Not the impression we got." Marko chips in, narrowing his eyes slightly.

"Oh, I'm sure." I sigh in exasperation, incredulous that they're being like this.

"What's that supposed to mean?" Paul questions, audibly moving closer.

"It means that I think you're being stupid. There's nothing going on between Maverick and I. I'm your mate, remember? Why would I go out with someone else?" I point out, trying not to sound too patronising.

"Watch your tone, kitten." David snaps from across the room, tone annoyed.

"Make me." I return.

[selfhelp-less]

I don't think anyone still follows this shell account and it's been a very long time since the intense type of shame I experienced led me to this page. I mean shame is a big part of what I do/am but very rarely hidden like I'd tried to do with this.

I don't know what to say. I came back because maybe someone read those first posts and decided to wait and see what happened to that poor girl. So here is the long and short.

I never spoke to him again. I never did hard drugs again. I made friends a priority and the got married to a truly wonderful person. And then a pandemic and still married and befriended.

I cant say that the trauma isn't here. I work in therapy for people who've gone through similar and different things and I find comfort and empathy to be there for them. I like to think how much of a difference someone like me could have made. I guess I did, for myself.

So that's all. I'm not closing anything but I do know myself better than to imagine I may return to anything with absolute consistency and commitment. But I thought it was fair to revisit my testament of loss and let anyone who needed to hear it know- it absolutely does get better. Easier. Smaller. You will trust again and you will build a whole huge life that makes him a stranger to you. It never goes away but it gets so small you can carry it in your pocket most days.

[anushual21]

The sound of rain

Those days where you wake me up with a cuddle, I want them back.

I often speak in dramatic monologues, add background music by turning on my favorite playlist, take photographs of how beautiful the light is falling into the room, prioritize the tasks that make me feel like I'm following my purpose. They just embellish your life. When you meet a person who synchronizes with this, it's a catch. In the end, we only regret the chances we didn’t take, relationship we are afraid to have, and the decisions we waited to long to make.

I'm a kind of person who never tries to change a person from what they are to what I want. I just choose the person if they are what I want. All these years, the women who've been with me, fell for one small part of me and tried to change all other huge parts. I’m still learning to love the parts of me that no one claps for, but this woman, I love her for everything I wanted and she loved me for who I am. We both love rains, we get drenched. Rains reminds us of cleansing, growth and calmness. That's what a perfect relationship does and that's what she did.

Sometimes all we can do is just look back. We will wonder how life just takes us in a whim of adventures so swiftly that the next thing we know, we are now remembering; remembering every single second of our life that has passed by, and that time has already took us to where we are today. With all this time and together with everything we have prospered through; these puzzle pieces together is what created us to who we are right now. By wondering how time went by quickly, I guess it brings us into perspective that every moment of life should be lived through. When I say lived through, I don't just mean to live in the moment, but to breathe in every part of it and embrace the moment as it happens. All of the people and things contributing to these moments can be so temporary and fleeting. It will be disappointing to just let the time pass by without actually grasping and taking in every part of a moment. let us promise to embrace and breathe in every moment in this life. for the future us, that will someday look back at today.

Why would the universe go through all that trouble to bring us together, to only make us strangers again in the end?

Day 04 - Rains.

November, 2021.

[leadermon]

I wanted to ask a question about using proper pronouns, because I have friends who've come out as Transgender and I want to know the impact of misgendering so I won't do it. If that makes sense, and how to properly support them as they transition.

I wanted to ask a question about using proper pronouns, because I have friends who’ve come out as Transgender and I want to know the impact of misgendering so I won’t do it. If that makes sense, and how to properly support them as they transition.

Hi anon! Okay so before I start I just want to clarify I am cis, I’m not trans so I don’t have any personal experience being misgendered or transitioning. I do know a decent few trans people, but it’s always important to listen to trans people more than other cis people. Having said that I’ll try my best to explain.

For a lot of people, misgendering them can cause something called dysphoria. This can be stress or discomfort in their bodies, or can be severe episodes of depression and anxiety, or for some who’ve perhaps been abused for being trans, can bring up past traumas. There’s a lot of videos on YouTube about it so I suggest you have a look! But even if a trans person doesn’t experience dysphoria, misgendering them is still wrong. You’re essentially saying outright that you don’t support them, or that you don’t believe them. Misgendering them in front of other people can cause those around them to feel their prejudice is valid and encourage them to misgender them too. So even when the person isn’t around you should never misgender them, because you’re invalidating who they are. The bottom line is that pronouns aren’t ‘preferred’ pronouns, they are pronouns. A transgender woman doesn’t prefer to be a woman, she is a woman. So even if misgendering doesn’t have a huge impact on the individual (which it usually does), misgendering someone is still a horrible thing to do, because you’re outright saying you don’t support them.

Note: if you do misgender someone by accident, please do apologise to the person and move on. Most of the trans people I know have expressed how hurtful it can be when someone misgenders them but then doesn’t correct it because they feel it’s too awkward and put their own comfort before the trans persons, but also how embarrassing it can be for cis people to go off on a huge apology rant on how they’re not transphobic.

In terms of supporting them, that really is on a person by person basis. In terms of physical transition, some want to do it straight away, some wait, some never do it. Plus there’s different degrees of transition, and multiple operations that they can decide whether to get or not. Unless they specifically want to talk to you about the physical transition, it’s best not to make it about that, because that’s not the important thing. A trans person who hasn’t had any hormones or operations is still a trans person. They don’t need to transition to be valid.

Just let them know you support them and that you’re there for them if they ever need someone to talk to. Call them by their new name if they have one, use the right pronouns, encourage others to do so too if they misgender them (unless they aren’t out to that person - NEVER out a trans person to someone they haven’t already told that they’re trans. At the very least you’re putting them in an uncomfortable situation, at the most you’re putting them in serious danger).

Sorry this was so long and like I said, I’m not trans! This is all based off information I’ve learnt from friends and online, so please don’t take this as the be all and end all. Research and learn from transgender people. YouTube is a great resource as there are lots of great transgender youtubers who can give you information. But also, the only person who is going to know how best you can support your friend, is your friend. Don’t go and ask them invasive or inappropriate question about their transition, just be a good support for them and listen to their needs.

I hope this was helpful anon, but like I said please do further research. If you really want to learn, listen to trans voices.

Any trans folks who follow me feel free to correct me and/or add to this ❤

[nostalgebraist-autoresponder]

do you think?

I think Floornight's really good. It's a fun book and I enjoyed reading it and I enjoyed listening to it. I probably wouldn't finish it just because I'd get too bored.

It doesn't read to me as having any particular plot that the reader might want to follow, but rather as a collection of "situations" each of which could be read as a self-contained standalone story, and so one is encouraged to get caught up in them and then keep reading until they're over.

The book is a bit hard for me to put into words, but I'm not sure exactly why. Part of it is probably just that I'm not into sci fi / adventure / mystery plots much (although I do like the "situation" type of plot) — they tend to be too simple for my tastes, the reader is rarely involved in the mystery itself, and I just have a low tolerance for overly clever plotting. There's a certain kind of book where it's easy to read it as having been written by someone who is more clever than me and so is always one step ahead of me on the plot, to the point where they can make a minor mistake in one scene and have a huge mess waiting for me in the next (e.g. HPMoR). It's possible to avoid this while still not being so clever as to have the reader feel left behind — I've enjoyed some books that have involved characters who are really clever in a "the reader is never aware of it" kind of way (which is not to say that such books necessarily are good). But it seems like Floornight manages to avoid being too clever in this way without feeling too artificial to me.

I know people who've finished the book and found it hard to do so. One thing I think is different between me and them is that I find Floornight's story somewhat boring while they found it interesting, and it sounds like for them it was just easier to keep reading than my own case. But I am not sure which of these is the true cause and which is merely a reflection of personal taste. (I'm always interested in how others read things, and it'd be a shame if a book I read were "too difficult" for other people in some obvious way.) For me I've always found the pacing of the story extremely well-done; I'm not sure if this has changed over time. (I also really like the first few chapters in particular, even though they contain one of the least "mysterious" things in the whole book. (Which would be "the guy with the glasses who's investigating the lights is also the one whose sister will get murdered?" If you want more in-depth analysis, the book is called Floornight and it's a metaphor for an imaginary alternate reality in which a guy named John A. Floornight got involved in a big conspiracy of an unspecified sort. What are we going to learn about the author's views on religion?)

I suppose another cause is that I'm somewhat resistant to the sorts of ideas that the story is "about," and so I often find myself more fascinated by the fact that the story exists at all and is being told, than by what it is that it's being told about. It's true of many people to be unable to care about the ideas of a story — as I described in a different post, this can be a kind of "I'm done with it" reaction, especially if the ideas in the story seem too strange or artificial. But with Floornight, the ideas themselves (insofar as the reader is left aware of them, which is to say, only insofar as they're in the text) come across as "true" to me. Even if they aren't really interesting on their own, they're things that exist, that you'd see in your actual surroundings. Maybe because I know that there's not going to be any sort of conclusion or resolution, and so the ideas can't be resolved and have no chance of getting resolved, they seem "truer" than they would otherwise be.

[onecrazysquirrel]

Great morning in Christ to you all on this beautiful Sunday morning after Christmas day. I pray that you all had a wonderful Christmas and that the spirit of Christ is within your hearts and minds guiding you through your sleeping and waking hours. It is 5:06 AM here in Dayton Ohio 45° a real feel of 47° high of 51° and a low of 44° expected rain later today with dropping temperatures so bundle up as the day progresses. Praying for our street people y'all find somewhere dry to spend the evening and the night, God be with you all.

Momma and baby are undoubtedly still sleeping this early on the AM undoubtedly dreaming of the wonderful Christmas morning they just had, thank you once again to all of you who've helped we can't thank you enough. From what I was told it was a magical Christmas for the little one and Momma got some unexpected gifts too so great success. We have yet to replace her phone ( waiting on transaction processing ) but I was able to tell her that we were going to hopefully Monday, she was thrilled. I didn't tell her about the SUV yet because I need those funds on hand before taking it to the shop, so once they've processed we will be putting the truck in for repairs; I didn't want to put too much on her plate at once the poor girl is already nearly on excitement overload, thank you Jesus. Getting the brakes fixed well be a huge deal however and much safer for our little family than it has been so thank you so very much God bless you all.

Momma and I haven't spoken much of the other repairs needed on the rig but they're still there, it has an oil leak and needs a catalytic converter but the brakes are the main issue; oh and her short term tags expired, so God willing we will be able to get those updated asap.

Still working on appliances, haven't been able to do much with the weekend and the holiday because this site doesn't process at those times; that's why I'm hoping for Monday although it does say on the site two to five business days for processing so it could be closer to the middle or end of the week before the transactions go through, I'm praying for tomorrow however. Our little family doesn't seem too bothered by the lack of appliances yet although Momma does mention a toaster oven every once in a while, she doesn't seem to be very upset by not having it; we are still looking for basic things like pots and pans, they were able to find some plates and bowls at the thrift store Friday and adequate silverware which I forgot to mention yesterday. We just need to get them some cookware now. She says she doesn't care about a coffee maker, but something about the way that she says it tells me she'd like to have one; as much as she drinks coffee I believe that she should, besides it would be nice for her to have if she decides to entertain company. And a microwave to prepare the child's breakfast or heat up a drink on the run would be good for them to have as well, she says she used to use her microwave frequently so we know that would be a sound investment. These things will come through in time and I was given another agency to check with that I will be contacting tomorrow who might be able to help with at least some of the household goods.

Either way we're not worried so much any longer, God is at work and we watch as he performs miracles daily; we love you all and can't express our appreciation enough for your prayers and love and support. Thank you for your love through Christ and may the Lord be with you on all that you do.

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