#I still physical am in pain anytime I see one of those videos though | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

lucidimage2jordantane · 3 years

Photo

Dagmar Keller / Martin Wittwer

Whilst looking for inspiration for the type of images I wanted to take in everyday life, I came across a series of photographs Passengers by Dagmar Keller and Martin Wittwer who were drawn to passengers on an old bus at a bus station as they passed through Poland.

The passengers were behind stained windows that were covered in ice. It gave the appearance of a painting. What I like about these images was that they were unplanned and not staged. What I also liked was how they explored not just the people on the bus, but the surroundings as well. This was the quality in photography that I was looking for. The playfulness and exploration.

Image Reference

Keller, Dagmar./Wittwer, Martin. Passengers, #21. https://www.kellerwittwer.de/selected-works/passengers/

Passengers, #21 – This image to me makes me wonder what he is thinking, what emotions he is feeling and where he is going on this cold night. The black of the night makes the viewer focus on the subject directly and because there is ice on the window and the subject cannot be seen clearly, it makes the viewer use their imagination.

Image Reference

Keller, Dagmar./Wittwer, Martin. Passengers, #94. https://www.kellerwittwer.de/selected-works/passengers/

Passengers, # 94 – The photographers explored the surroundings of the bus stop. It appears to be a curtain but who knows where it is. I like the way the light hits the curtain and it may seem random in the context of all the other images, but it shows me the playful quality I am after as an influence to my own work.

Image Reference

Keller, Dagmar./Wittwer, Martin. Passengers, #8. https://www.kellerwittwer.de/selected-works/passengers/

Passengers, #8 – This image is a bit clearer and looks like a painting. There is a look of pain in her eyes. Has she just left someone and catching a bus to get away? Is she regretful? Again it is in the imagination of the viewer.

Dagmar Keller and Martin Wittwer have collaborated since 1997 and their work includes photography, film and video. Their inspiration comes from urban social stories and the hopes and dreams of the people that live there.

References

Keller/Wittwer. “Selected works.” kellerwittwer. https://www.kellerwittwer.de/selected-works/passengers/

u-jazdowski. “Dagmar Keller & Martin Wittwer (Germany).” https://u-jazdowski.pl/en/programme/residencies/residents/archiwum-rezydentow/dagmar-keller-martin-wittwer

Rinko Kawauchi

Rinko Kawauchi was born in the early 1970’s in Japan and became interested in photography while studying graphic design. She has a very soft style of photography which she emphasises with soft colours. Her work and aesthetic is to have an almost dream like quality and will mostly shoot ordinary things.

Why her work is of interest to me is that she does not second guess herself and runs by instinct. If she feels compelled to photograph something, she will and not ask herself why. She rarely will include people in her images and is interested in images that move her rather than just look good.

She puts a lot of thought into her compositions and one of her main conventions is juxtaposition. She wants the viewer to imagine what is going on. She also commonly makes use of cropping and prefers to use natural light.

What I found interesting about Rinko is that she does not like to take multiple images and then select the best one later. She will purposely take her time and get the shot she had in mind.

References

Andia, Lucy. “ 10 Things You Should Know About Rinko Kawauchi.” Culture trip. 10 Things You Should Know About Rinko Kawauchi (theculturetrip.com)

Artsy. “Rinko Kawauchi.” https://www.artsy.net/artist/rinko-kawauchi

Ibasho. “rinko kawauchi.” Rinko Kawauchi - Overview | IBASHO (ibashogallery.com)

Image Reference

Kawauchi, Rinko. Halo. 2017. http://rinkokawauchi.com/works/172/

This image follows Rinko Kawauchi’s conventions of cropping and natural light. What I like about it is that it is off centre and the lighting gives it a dream like quality. I like the rule of thirds quality and the juxtaposition quality of the light shining from below where you would think it would come from the moon itself.

Image Reference

Kawauchi, Rinko. Halo. 2017. http://rinkokawauchi.com/works/172/

I like this image as you would expect there ordinarily to have some other feature to concentrate on but in this case it is just the birds. It feels very serene and makes me imagine what it must be like to be one of those birds. Me imagining this just highlights one of her aims which is to make people use their imaginations.

Image Reference

Kawauchi, Rinko. Illuminance. 2011. http://rinkokawauchi.com/works/194/

The use of depth of fielld and the overexposed lighting add a strange quality of beauty to this image.

Lieko Shiga

Born in Japan in 1980, Lieko Shiga has become a rising star in Japanese photography mainly due to her going against the grain of what other Japanese photographers do and being so expressive. What I find fascinating about her work is that she has no one particular style. She will integrate her own personal experiences and encounters into something surreal and she will do this by any conventions she can find including lighting tricks or double exposure of her images.

She is best known for her Spiral Coast project which was inspired when she was invited to become the towns photographer when she moved to a small community (Kitakama) in Japan. Her community was hit by a tsunami in 2011 and the town was flattened and over half the residents died.

Through her imagery, Shiga managed to capture not only the history of the village from before the tsunami, but also the spirit of the village. She cleverly did this by mainly shooting at night which gave the desired uncertainness. The images had a certain vagueness like it is a memory and she managed this by using a flash that does not reach the whole frame.

The deepest part of her work I find is her concept of photography itself. Shiga feels that photography is more than capturing a moment in time, Photography to her is not the past, present or future, but instead there is just space. There is no time. Shiga views herself as the camera as she bases most of her work on personal experiences. Photography therefore takes on a physical form. This is the sort of aesthetic I want to incorporate into my work. I want my camera to capture the qualities of what I see.

Image Reference

Shiga, Lieko. Blind Folded Pilot. 2012. https://www.liekoshiga.com/works/rasen-kaigan/

I love the texture of this image. You can almost image cars running up and down this beach and doing wheelies. What fun they must have had. After all, the beach is about fun. This is capture here. This would be my interpretation of this image but when you see the title Blind Folded Pilot it takes on another meaning. Now you can see someone lost and trying to find their way. Ironically this setting was staged by the photographer and she used a stick to make her patterns and lines.

Image Reference

Shiga, Lieko. Portrait of Cultivation. 2012. https://www.liekoshiga.com/works/rasen-kaigan/

One of Lieko Shiga’s conventions is to place random items next to people she is photographing and this is an example of this. This image is of the chief to her village. Behind the subjects is a massive tree root and she Lieko would never admit how she did it but it appears as though the tree root passes through the body of the chief. the red colouring of the root and over the chief is of significance as well as it would symbolise the blood.

Image Reference

Shiga, Lieko. (Installation view). n.d. Photo credit Daegan Wells

How Lieko’s work has been exhibited in shows. I prefer the bottom image as this has visual diversity.

References

Artsy. “Lieko Shiga.” Lieko Shiga - 36 Artworks, Bio & Shows on Artsy

Badger, Gerry. “Lieko Shiga-RASEN KAIGAN/album (SPIRAL COAST/album).” 1000 words. https://www.1000wordsmag.com/lieko-shiga/

Maddox, Amanda. “A Japanese Photographer’s Encounters with Natural Disasters.” Aperture. https://aperture.org/editorial/lieko-shiga-amanda-maddox/

The Physics Room. “RASEN KAIGAN: THE SPIRAL SHORE.” http://www.physicsroom.org.nz/exhibitions/rasen-kaigan-the-spiral-shore

Irina Rozovsky

Irina was born in Russia in 1981 has exhibited work in galleries worldwide and now resides in Georgia, US. Her belief is that the camera is a third eye and believes a photograph can be taken anywhere and anytime. A lot of her work has been based around rootlessness, migration, diaspora and personal versus political freedom this was inspired mainly though her migrating from Russia to America when se was seven years old.

Ten years ago Irina was invited to a friend’s birthday party on the lake in Prospect park in Brooklyn. Irina had been to this park many times, but it was the first time on the lake. Looking back at the park from the boat she was on changed her perspective of the park and the people that visited it. It was as if the world stood still for her and she was compelled to begin a ten-year journey of photographing the people that frequented the park as the park covered many different areas of Brooklyn such as the wealthier side to the poor areas. There were people from all different cultures, religions, and ethnicities in different areas of the park and Irina spent the next 10 years visiting the park and taking photographs and she felt like she got something new and exciting every time she returned.

She spent her time discussing what she was doing with the people she was photographing, and subjects seemed to fully embrace her vision. She named her project In Plain Air and this has been an inspiration to my latest work. I have always tended to stage my photographs but what I want to do during this assessment is shoot my images in their natural form. The subjects do not need to be glamorous or use props that are in theme. I will find objects that are of interest to me and look for interesting ways to photograph them and in such a way that an otherwise dull and everyday object, can become interesting and a become a piece of art.

Irina Rozovsky I have noticed shoots from different angles which can change people’s perspective on issues. Her projects can run for varying times from a few weeks to several years and she will not move on until she feels she has captured the true essence of what she is there for. This to me shows the connection she has with the project and how she can run on instinct.

Image Reference

Rozovsky, Irina. Untitled, (from Mountain Black Heart). 2015-2016. https://www.irinar.com/mountain-black-heart

There are so many things I like about this image. I like the angle she has captured this from. I like how the reflection on the sand looks like glass. I like the irony of the flowers (as a living thing) are in plastic bottles which kill so many creatures in the sea. This is a statement that I’m sure she wants to get across.

Image Reference

Rozovsky, Irina. Untitled, (from Mountain Black Heart). 2015-2016. https://www.irinar.com/mountain-black-heart

The innocence of a child sleeping, oblivious to all the mess and turmoil going on around them. Whether this image was staged or not, the message is clear.

Image Reference

Rozovsky, Irina. Untitled, (from a rock that floats). 2014. https://www.irinar.com/a-rock-that-floats

Photographs made in the US, 2014 – present. Chromogenic color prints of various sizes.

I love the way the light reflects on the water and how it leads your eye to the buildings in the distance.

Image References

Rozovsky, Irina. Untitled (from In Plain Air). 2011-2016. https://www.irinar.com/in-plain-air

Capturing everyday life in Prospect park in Brooklyn where all walks of life occupy. Rozovsky liked to capture all people who visited the park which ranged from wealthy to the not so wealthy.

References

Feinstein, Jon. “PLACELESSNESS.” Daylight. Irina Rozovsky: The Politics of Placelessness | Daylight

Rozovsky, Irina. “The world in one park: Irina Rozovsky's best photograph.” The Guardian. The world in one park: Irina Rozovsky's best photograph | Photography | The Guardian

Syracuse University. “Irina Rozovsky.” https://calendar.syracuse.edu/events/2020-oct-20/irina-rozovsky/

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dearsubconscious · 3 years

Text

Warning: the following is a story of psychological/emotional/narcissistic abuse that may be hard for some readers.

Finding the right emotions to say

Some context is needed before you continue reading. This is an introduction to my new Tumblr account and an overview of how my story started. I originally wrote this in May of 2019. When I wrote this, I was trying to get out all of my thoughts during a very dark time. I wrote this over the course of weeks of sleepless nights when my mind wouldn’t stop running. It may read a bit disorganized, but I wrote it as a way to explain to the people that matter to me what I had come to realize about myself. Only two people have read it prior to me posting this, neither of which are my family members. I am still not comfortable with any of my family knowing about this and I have never really talked about many of the details of what happened out loud, even to the two people that have read this. Many of my specific memories are not included in this story...some were just too brutal for me to even write out without completely mentally breaking down at the time. I have decided to start telling my story as a way of mental therapy. Even if nobody on here reads this all of the way through, it will help me mentally just to organize my memories and thoughts. I hope that I can also open a discussion on a sensitive and (I believe) very overlooked topic, hard as it may be to talk about. If you have found yourself in a similar situation, I truly hope that have a better present and/or future. I wouldn’t wish this mental torture on anyone. As you will see in posts that follow this one, I will explain how the long term effects of the mental damage have caused persistent problems with my relationships with all people that matter to me, my working life, my financial stability and my overall health. This is a long read, but here it goes:

Please read all of this carefully and in its entirety. Its long and it will be uncomfortable to read, but it’s very important to me. I would prefer that it be read all at once, which may take a little while, so if you don’t have time to soak it all in, please save it for another time.

My mind goes around and around in very vicious circles of emotions. I feel...well...a lot...is all I can describe in simple terms. That just doesn’t cut it, though. I keep telling myself that I’m probably insane. I don’t know if I just don’t want to believe it, if I’m just hurting that bad, if I’m in shock or if there is something deeper than that that I just don’t understand. I’m not sure if I know what to feel or believe anymore because my own mind has been keeping an enormous secret for years...

I know who I used to be and who I want to be and for years I have been upsetting myself on a nearly hourly basis because I can’t figure out why I behave the way that I do in many normal situations. I know what the right thing to do is in almost every case, but I can’t seem to be able to do the right thing most of the time anymore. The most logical explanation, until very recently, was just to blame it on regular stress. It seemed too obvious, yet it has a very empty and incomplete generalization of what I would actually be feeling. I have continued with my habits and behaviors very frustrated with myself every time, which is usually many times daily. I spend a lot of time contemplating why I don’t feel okay even though so many things are going well in my life. It’s like I’ve been living very much in a haze and I don’t believe or understand who I am.

The impulsive eating, nagging need to always be doing something special or interesting, yet always coming up short or simply doing nothing at all (and knowing the whole time that there was always something else that I needed to be doing to be more “responsible”), impulsive buying, and, above all else, the incredibly infuriating mental “freeze” that has seemed to be ever present in everything that I do. Most prominent were the “freezes” in my passions, in tasks that are incredibly important and almost anytime I have to make a decision. Not following through on so many things and seeming apathetic about the task of finishing. I would, again, just tell myself that it’s from stress, but I always knew that this was simply not true. Most people use stress as a motivator to get things done, but not me. I, for some reason, find myself doing the exact opposite. This leaves me very frustrated, empty, and numb.

I stress eat a lot and this, coupled with other bad habits feel impossible to break even though I very much mentally want to. I “freeze” at the moment that I should make a better choice and feel great anxiety when faced with the decision. I usually end up doing nothing at all, or doing the wrong or bad thing, thinking that it’s just easier and thoughtless. I hate myself for it. I really do believe that I can and will get better someday; that I will be much healthier; that I will work out regularly; that I will be productive every day, but instead I fall victim to my own mind almost every time...

Years ago, small physical/mental changes started happening to me that I couldn’t explain; long before the seemingly learned or self-induced behaviors that I just explained.

I was always a night owl, but through most of my childhood and early teenage years I would do it on purpose to do things like watch movies, play video games, etc. As I grew older, however, it started happening without a desire to. I was very alarmed by this at first. I couldn’t sleep even though I tried hard to; even though I was tired and exhausted; and I would fight very hard to change my poor sleep habits. I started to believe that maybe I had caused my own insomnia from staying up late as a kid, but there was a very different...anxious...feeling underneath it.

Through most of my school years I had been an eloquent speaker and writer. I would get compliments on it from teachers, family, family friends and strangers frequently. However, during high school I began to trip on my words at times and I would have to find simpler words to use when speaking and writing. I thought for years that this was attributed to my lack of sleep. Maybe it was. But this started to feel like a chain that didn’t make sense, as it couldn’t be attributed to simple stress, but was undoubtedly connected.

I’ve always been a very...very...patient person. I remember my step mother said years ago that I have an “old soul.” She described me this way as a compliment to my patient, calm, wise and passive demeanor in everything that I do. So when I began experiencing deep anxiety that would violently wake me up in the middle of the night during my few hours of sleep, I was very alarmed. I noticed that my attention span began getting shorter. In more recent years, I began lashing out, breaking my calm and passive personality. I get uncharacteristically angry or upset with little things that never bothered me before and do it visibly for those around me with immediate and harsh behaviors. I despise this more than almost any other behavior that I have. I feel that I’ve lost control when it happens and I immediately regret it. It isn’t who I am...

As time has progressed into full adulthood, I have found even the simplest of tasks incredibly hard to be motivated about. The “freeze” began spreading to things such as picking up something that I dropped on the floor. I would feel very anxious about the task of picking it up but truly frozen from simply picking it up for long periods of time because my brain would just go around in vicious circles of stress. I became a messy person. I was no longer able to prioritize tasks in my mind in a proper manner. It’s incredibly embarrassing when I get caught in a mental freeze as it is, generally, pretty visibly obvious on my face. And, as recent as the last few months I have been struggling much more deeply with words when speaking. I will start to say something and know exactly what I want to say, but it seems as though my brain is working much faster and cluttered than my mouth. I won’t be able to get out a full word or phrase. The words will very literally slur together in my mouth and no matter how hard I try I am unable to say it properly. Even if I try to slow my words way down I can’t get it out. It’s like a mental block between my brain and mouth. It’s mentally very frustrating and painful.

I feel that I have lost the ability to fight most of my impulses, leading me to eat poorly and a lot, spend a lot, laze around in a fog a lot, etc. I know that this deeply frustrates those around me and I hate it when it does. I want to change my habits and impulses, but it mentally just isn’t that easy for me...I’ve needed help with this for years and I just don’t know how to admit it or face it. I also don’t know how anyone would actually help and asking for help feels very weak and stupid...

Under pressure from difficult situations or pressure-driven decisions, I freeze in a way that infuriates those around me and it infuriates even my self very deeply. Sometimes my freeze causes me to make a wrong or bad decision almost unconsciously. This leads me to a dark, swirling set of emotions about my self, especially when I’m called out for my wrongdoing.

I’ve also had a very low self esteem for quite some time that has been ever present in all aspects of my life and overcoming it at times is incredibly difficult. I have become a very shy, easily embarrassed, easily uncomfortable person for things that should excite me or bring joy and I just can’t seem to get passed my self-made walls. And I hide these insecurities as best as I can so that nobody knows that I’m actually in very bad mental distress at any given moment...which has been more often than not for a while...

I’ve had a deep and growing feeling of confusion and despair. I used to be very depressed in middle school and high school that I was sure I had gotten past, but I’m not sure anymore. I knew that I had been through the worst feelings of my life, but it seems to all be coming back to haunt me in a very different way that I never could have imagined. And I’ve been very lost and numb from my confusion over what has been happening to me.

I have spent years trying to justify my actions and behaviors to myself as “stress” or something similar simply because I have had no idea what has been happening to me...

Then something occurred that sparked something sleeping much deeper in my subconscious than any of that...

A little over two months ago a random video came rolling through my Facebook feed about physical abuse in a specific relationship in England. This happened recently and I believe that it said that this was the first case where a female was charged with physical assault for abuse in a relationship against a man in the UK. I haven’t seen or read much about true abuse in relationships, so I watched the whole short video to understand the specifics. It told the story of what happened to the boyfriend and how it went almost unnoticed by everyone even with glaring signs and such seeming-apathy from both the man and the woman about his constant injuries. He would make up stories to everyone including the police and hospitals about his injuries because he feared for his life. One day recently, the police were called to their residence for a yelling-noise complaint made by the neighbors. Upon arriving they found the man bloody on the stairs, and he told them that he tripped and fell and hit his head (because his girlfriend was in the room). They agreed, aided him, but immediately noticed the many other injuries that weren’t as new and they recognized the signs right away from experience. Through some coercing, they managed to pull him outside, away from his girlfriend, and got the real story from him. She had been manipulating, threatening, hitting and cutting him on a daily basis for years since nearly the beginning of their relationship to control him and trap him. The police officer that spotted the signs and made it a point to bring out the truth and knew that he would be more likely to talk about it away from the girlfriend because he was afraid for his life.

I couldn’t comprehend going through such obvious physical trauma and nearly being overlooked. I am thankful that I have never been physically abused. I immediately scrolled on and distracted myself with some video of planes, I’m sure.

But for the next several days I kept thinking about that video and story and I couldn’t get this weird feeling out of my head about it. I couldn’t place it at first but it began to remind me of the overarching confusion and despair that I have been feeling for a long time about my self. It felt very...not at all nostalgic...but familiar... It started to become far more clear from there...

I immediately began researching and reading. Perhaps too much at times...

My mom has been going through abuse for years with my step father in multiple forms and though I have subconsciously, and even quite consciously known that it was occurring, I think I was too afraid to research the specifics of the abuse. The subconscious side of my brain must have been telling me not to because I was too afraid of what I would find for a very different reason...

For over four years I was very brutally psychologically/emotionally abused every minute of every day.

Sxxx (blocked for anonymity) (a name I rarely use, because I have subconsciously wanted to block it out for the rest of my life) did far more than a little bit of manipulation to control me and everything about my life. I know this was probably somewhat apparent to most people around me but the abuse was much deeper and more prevalent than anyone could have ever known or imagined...and more than I noticed or wanted to admit to myself... She did so many things, big and small, blatant and subtle, in public and in private (mostly), that completely destroyed me mentally. I think that I blocked out each incident as best as I could and I became very visibly numb but subconsciously extremely damaged with every passing day.

As this realization began to sink in, after the Facebook story, I went into a state of emotional shock that has had me trapped in a very vicious circle of negative emotions. I began researching deeper into it and reading a lot of articles, news and health journals, Wikipedia pages, news stories, blogs, etc. that drove home the realization. But I wanted to have some sort of immediate validation of this, so I searched for quizzes by mental health organizations that help individuals determine if they are in an abusive relationship. The first quiz had a long series of “yes” or “no” questions. I read every one very carefully and took the quiz as honestly as I could, treating it as though I was still in a relationship with her and reliving the way I was treated, digging up memories that I didn’t even know that I have...and I definitely don’t want to have. When I finally reached the end, it gave a percentage score of the likelihood that I was abused... 98.8%...

The only reason that it wasn’t 100% was because the only question that I answered “no” to was a question pertaining to children and houses, which we obviously never shared.

I took another, shorter test and scored a 92% for very similar circumstances. It’s true that what I experienced wasn’t physical abuse like the story that I read, but it is, basically, absolute that I was psychologically/mentally abused for years and, while it generally doesn’t come with standard PTSD, as the world knows it, like physical abuse does, it can be seen as more serious and have much worse long term effects that tend to go mostly unnoticed, but are extremely detrimental over time...according to the research that I’ve done anyway...and which I am finding that I believe from experience... I found in the research that I have most of the long term symptoms and a lot of my behaviors and tendencies are tied to mental changes that happened during those years...

The emotions and shock came rushing in like nothing I’ve ever felt. It began with a deep upsetness, followed by a deep anger. How could I have let that happen? Why didn’t I realize this years ago? Who am I actually because of this?

The research didn’t help. I started to tell myself that it can’t be true out of pure denial, reinforced by the research. Many articles and pages seemed to have a consensus that males arent typically affected by abuse in a deep way like females and are so overwhelmingly usually the perpetrators of abuse that psychological/mental abuse against males is seen as essentially non-existent. Only four pages that I read of the dozens agreed that abuse can happen equally to any gender, in any relationship and have equal effects. But, in order to read more about symptoms, long term effects and how/why abusers abuse, I had to read articles/stories about male abusers.

I started to feel like I was crazy. Like I wasn’t supposed to feel any feelings about what happened to me. Like I was supposed to pretend that it didn’t happen at all. It feels oddly sexist of me to believe that this happened to me, and also weak of me to believe that I was so brutally abused and mentally scarred because of how so many pages and people made it a male-against-female-only situation. Maybe it is very sexist and weak of me and I need to just bottle it all up as if I never knew what happened (I essentially have been for years anyway)...maybe I am just crazy and remembering things wrong or imagining things... I know that there are many people out there that are abused and are/were in far worse situations than I am...including my own mom. I don’t know... it all just feels so...confusing and intimidating...and too much for me to understand or handle... This feeling is very reinforced by the way I was and always have been treated as a “pushover” by many people for what happened during those years... I know that I wants, but it’s far more complicated than just being a “pushover”...

Maybe not all of the issues that I listed early on in

this...whatever-you-want-to-call-it are related to what happened to me, but the more I am piecing things together, the more I am finding that it was likely the brutal subconscious driving factor in all of it. I’m far too embarrassed by it all to bring it up in person or face it and I feel very foolish and selfish to blame all of my problems on something that happened years ago, but it actually makes a lot of sense...

It’s very frustrating, as well, that every medical page that I read was about actively being in an abusive relationship and their solution to every problem was always to change the way the abuser behaved in the relationship or end the relationship entirely and that should just fix everything... yet they also all agree that there are long term effects, water the relationship has ended, that can last for years or even the rest of a persons lifetime that they just don’t discuss solutions for...

The biggest problem of all is, now knowing all of this about my likely-abuse, I still don’t know how to move forward and progress past all of these issues that I have now. I almost regret knowing more than not because it has made my emotions much stronger and more confusing. I don’t want this to define me or keep ahold of me and everything that I do, but it’s a constant battle against my own brain that I just can’t seem to win...especially as the bad memories start flooding in uncontrollably...

She used to make me believe that all problems were my fault, that I was never good enough, never would be good enough, and that I should give up on everything because I was wasting everyone’s time, energy and life including mine with my “stupid and ridiculous” ideas, hobbies, activities, etc. and I “wasn’t good at any of them anyway.” I was treated as though any decision that I made was a bad one, a wrong one, a stupid one... she would manipulate me into joining things or going to things so that she would look better than me to everyone there and try to make it look as though I didn’t care or that she was the victim...

For the entire four years I had to be in constant contact (usually by text) within every 5 minutes at most to prove that I wasn’t ignoring or “cheating” on her. If I didn’t answer within five minutes I usually received a text that read “bye” to make me feel abandoned, worthless and guilty. It would make me feel as though I had been ruining her life. I would be constantly (usually a dozen times a day or more) having to apologize and explain myself. She would usually continue to ignore my long pleading messages for several hours or even until the next day, then either pretend like nothing ever happened, or say that I owe her. She would always claim that because I didn’t text back that I missed out on something big or important to her and that I must be cheating on her or simply didn’t care about her. No matter how much I would say or very visibly show that I cared she would treat me as though I was still very wrong. I was never once put first in her life. I could handle not ever being first, but to be not only far from first, I was, instead, constantly put down as though I was the bane of her existence. I went very out of my comfort zone and disobeyed rules, teachers, family, etc. to “make it up to her.” This was incredibly beyond my character but she would put me in a very dark and anxious place nearly hourly. She used my extreme patience and sympathy against me by keeping me trapped in a destructive cycle. I would have to leave home when I wasn’t supposed to or miss so many important events with my own friends or family without permission to walk to her house and apologize in person, only to be shunned initially at the door.

She made me join the speech and debate team. I probably could have been good at it too... she made sure that I was part of her group, but that I wouldn’t actually participate in the group. Any part that I had was to be done away from the group with no understanding or explanation of what I was tasked with. I was isolated from everyone and everything happening. When I would have to rejoin the group the day before a debate I would be barated and torn down by her followed by the rest of the group because I did everything wrong. We went to several debates and at one of the very first ones I made a small and simple mistake in the debate against a team from another school that I didn’t know I had made because I was never taught. She got visibly mad immediately, even with the judges and opponents in the room. As soon as that debate was over, she stormed out of the room with no explanation and walked back to the waiting area without saying a word to me. As soon as I arrived (shortly after her), I immediately found her ranting to her friends and our classmates in front of everybody else about how stupid I was and how I ruined the debate for her and our whole school. She cast me in a very bad light and made it sound as though the mistake was so simple that I must be a “complete idiot” to make it. She went on about this for about an hour, even stretching the conversation to neighboring opponent schools seated nearby. And any time I would try to step into the conversation to defend my self she would angrily cast me off to a secluded table away from them and everyone for the rest of the day. She took away my phone and anything else that I had claiming that I didn’t deserve it because of my screw up (something that she did often with phones and other meaningful objects). I tried to hold hands with her and plead with her on the two hour car ride home in the back of her dads car but she would angrily refuse with the silent treatment all the way until I was dropped off. It didn’t matter how many times that I would agree with her that I was “stupid” and “worthless”, she would still treat me as though I was even lower than that.

At every school dance that I attended with her, she would immediately leave my side to go find friends. Every time I would catch up with her she would leave me again to find a different friend for no other reason than just to find them. She would do this to control me, make me feel abandoned and make sure that I was always paying attention to her and nobody else, isolating me from everyone, even in a large crowd of people that I know. And as the night would go on she would begin to tell people that I was ignoring her because I wouldn’t stay right with her (because I couldn’t keep up or I wouldn’t immediately notice that she silently left again) and I must not care about her, even though I would spend the entire time in a mad dash back and forth trying to find her, never having time to stop and talk to anyone that I knew that was trying to talk to me. She or someone would spill something on me by accident but she would just laugh and usually make it worse somehow (spilling more on me, finding people to embarrass me for being a klutz to, etc). If I accidentally spilled something on her or even near her it was a guarantee that she wouldn’t talk to me or pay attention to me for the rest of the night. I was always expected to pay for everything and drop off jackets and pick them up and carry her stuff everywhere, but never received any kind words or gestures, as was true for everything and everywhere we went for the whole four years. I was young and very naive about relationships at first, so while I thought it was strange, I just thought that I was being polite and gentlemanly and showing that I cared, but I was very much told and shown the opposite, which became far more obvious over time. It was simply expected and if I didn’t then she would use it as a reason to prove to others (and to me in our many daily arguments[consisting mostly of her yelling and saying incredibly rude things to me while I would spend a lot of time apologizing]) that I am a rude person who doesn’t show that I care.

One day, we had gone to a movie with her little sister at the movie tavern and, after the movie, we had lots of time to kill before the bus came to take us home so they decided that they wanted to go to kohl’s. We wandered around for a while and eventually ended up in the jewelry department. As usual she was trying to lose me in the store as a “game” much like she would do at dances or...well...anywhere public that we would go, really. The aisles were very small in the jewelry department and I turned a corner too quickly, very seriously trying to keep up with her to avoid the claim that I “left her because I didn’t care” and, in doing so, I accidentally stepped on the back of her heel and “flat-tired” her shoe, so-to-speak. It was minor and I almost didn’t even noticed that I had done it but she immediately yelled “ow” and screamed at me and threw something at me. It left a small red mark on her heel that she showed everyone. She claimed that I abused her and she claimed that to everyone, including her family and mine for years after that. She made me pay for everything that her and her sister had picked out at kohl’s and made me change my plan (to just go home) and instead walk them all the way back to their house (about 2.5 miles) carrying everything. They walked ahead of me about 15 feet the whole way to their house and spent the whole time making fun of me and barating me.

Her and her family tried very hard to make me change religions. They made me watch many documentaries and shows about their religion against my will and they even brought several holy figures and very religious friends to their house for special occasions just to try to convince me that their way was the only right way. They would ask me a lot of derogatory questions to make me feel stupid for not believing or participating. They would make me participate in things that I knew nothing about and didn’t want to do. I respect their religion, as I do everyone’s, and politely tried to abstain but she would get very mad, again claiming that I must not cares out her, then, and make me participate. I attended every special occasion that I could for her and her family. I even spent an entire Christmas Day away from my family and the traditions/plans that we had made so that she could make me watch her and her family open their gifts and partake in their traditions. This would have been okay if I had been seen as welcome, but instead, since I wasn’t part of their religion, I was intentionally isolated the entire day, especially by her. And the gifts that I had bought for her she wasn’t very fond of, so she would trash talk about them and how I could have done better and how I must not care about her at all because the gifts proved that I “didn’t know her at all” even though she would keep them and wear them (jewelry) or display them (souvenirs, stuffed animals, etc). She would pry at my insecurities to make them worse and make me feel like her life was miserable because of me.

Marching band meant the world to me, as did flying and filmmaking. She hated all of these things about me because they were things that she didn’t participate in, didn’t enjoy and were things that would take my attention away from her for a bit. She would constantly say things like “well why don’t you just quit school and break up with me to go be in the marching band, then.” That’s a very light attack compared to many that she had said to me on a daily basis and she meant them in a very serious and derogatory way to make me feel bad for participating in the things that I love. She only attended one marching band event throughout the entirety of high school but she wasn’t actually there to cheer me on. She managed to pull that facade off for my family and friends while she was there, but she slowly started isolating me from the band and all other people as the night went on so that she could keep control of me and my life. At any other time (all other performances and rehearsals throughout high school [including band concerts]) she would get mad immediately if I brought them up in conversation and when I was actively at them because she saw them as optional things that I was participating in because “I cared about them more than her”. She never attended any other event because, even though I would invite her and her family well in advance, I would remind her the week of or week before and she would claim that I never invited her and that it was way too late, she had something else to do during those times or simply wouldn’t attend out of spite. She would make me believe that I hadn’t invited her sooner and that I was crazy and stupid for thinking that I did. She argued with me on a daily basis about how I cared about band and filmmaking more than her even though I began giving up those parts of my life for her and I would break the rules and secretly pull my phone out all of the time to message her to keep “checking in” and keep her relatively calm while in class, at rehearsal, during concerts, etc...though she was always mad anyway. I attended every choir concert and IB event; church and family event that she had and cheered her on whole heartedly...hoping that she would be happy that I was there. Instead I would get ignored, not introduced to people I didn’t know, and constantly made fun of whenever possible...

Her strangle hold on my life may sound like something I could just walk away from at any time, but it was far more complicated than it seemed. Her and her family found ways to subliminally, and very forwardly, threaten me into staying in the relationship on a daily basis, again using my patience, sympathy and insecurities against me and degrading me like I was too naive and stupid too understand how to be in a proper relationship so they needed to teach me. I was, in fact, very naive because I believed them (specifically her) and believed that giving in to their lives, lies and treatment was for the better.

I hated myself and believed that I was a truly bad person in every way. I believed that I owed her and her family the world and my life. When I would tell her that I was in distress, she would just tell me that I should “go kill myself, then.” I subconsciously knew that a lot was wrong but I saw no way out but to try even harder every day, actually making my mental state/scar significantly worse every day...nearly leading me to a very different way out...

She always tried to make me plan dates that I couldn’t afford or wasn’t capable of doing at that age because I always “owed her one” for everything that I do wrong. I planned three dates in a row one time and she didn’t like a single one of them. Quite in the contrary. She told me flat out that she hated them and hated my ideas because they were childish, stupid and she didn’t like participating in the types of things that I had planned. These included a picnic, a nice dinner and movie with frozen yogurt at her favorite place, and an active date to jumpoline. She made me feel like I didn’t care; like a failure; like I didn’t know her at all; like I was stupid. She, of course, told everyone that we knew or met for weeks about how horrible I was at planning.

We had several classes together throughout high school, mainly French. She always made sure that I was aware that she knew French better than me and that my experience didn’t matter. If I tried to correct her when she said or wrote something incorrectly, she would get very angry; tell me, very seriously, to “shut up” and usually ignore me for a while. She would always try to be in a group with me in activities in that class but, just like speech and debate, she would isolate me from the group right away and insult me every time that I got something wrong. This morale destruction happened so frequently, slyly and subliminally that I believed that I was bad at everything and so I began shutting down in every class and activity that I took in high school, participating in activities less and less. I stopped doing homework for fear that I was always wrong and had no understanding, which was constantly reinforced by my poor testing and grades. At the time I truly believed that I was just stupid and couldn’t understand anything in school, not knowing that it was all in my head and I just wasn’t ever fully engaged ever again. I felt very left behind in school. Something that has always pained me very much...

This, of course, all came to a head on homecoming night of senior year. The night started at her house for photos where the attention was, no doubt, completely on her and how she looked. I wore one of my dads nice shirts, and, though it wasn’t the nicest shirt, it was what I had and what we could afford. For years, she had been buying dresses and sending me samples of the colors to force me to match her. She would refuse to help me pick anything out and I couldn’t afford to keep getting new outfits to match every special occasion. This time I had chosen my dads shirt because, even though it wasn’t a perfect match for color, it was a complimentary color. It was a nice shirt but it wasn’t the perfect shirt, which was made clear to me right away. She was immediately mad as soon as she saw me. She was quick to insult my outfit and so was her family. They felt that I looked like trash, that I have no class or style and that I didn’t care about her especially on special occasions. I was constantly reminded about that every time we encountered another person throughout the night, as she insisted to everyone that I didn’t care, which was obvious because I “didn’t try at all to match her and my shirt was awful”... This put me in a bad place from the get go.

We went to my dads house for a nice home cooked meal that I picked out and she, of course, hated. She didn’t eat much of it and very blatantly didn’t finish or clean up or have any gratitude for.

After dinner, my dad had offered to take us to the school for the dance. She didn’t like this idea because she hated my family very blatantly and picked out a few key things that my dad had said in the car on the way to the dance to immediately throw in my face as soon as we got out. My dad can definitely be abrasive, but that night he had actually been incredibly pleasant and kind to her all the way until we dropped her back off at home that night, so there was extremely little for her to be angry about, but she latched onto something and threw it in my face in front of everybody standing in line to get into the dance. She stormed off without me with her ticket to find one of her friends in line. I couldn’t find her so I had to enter the dance alone. As soon as I found her inside, she threw it in my face that I left her alone... the dark place grew so much stronger. She dragged me to do photos with one set of friends, then immediately abandoned me on the dark dance floor to go find different friends for no reason other than to make me chase her. I looked for her for almost a half an hour, but couldn’t find her, so I found some friends at a table in the cafeteria to sit with and calm down. Not even five minutes after that, she shows up and yells at me in front of the friends about not caring, abandoning her, how terrible I look and how I am an all around terrible boyfriend and person. She then found a way to quickly convince our friends to scramble away with her again to go find other friends, leaving me alone at the table...

I didn’t get up and chase her that time...

I sat and stared at my phone for the rest of the night as though I was doing something important as best as I could to cover up the fact that I was in an extremely dire mental state. I was just staring at a blank phone in all actuality. But the plan worked. Nobody talked to me or noticed me for the rest of the night. When she finally came back a long while later, alone, she only came to request that I call my dad to come get us and take us home. I did so, then made one final plea for help to her without being too obvious about my distress so that I wouldn’t leave myself open for an attack for being “stupid” or “weak” about my emotions, but she ignored me, as usual, and sat in silence. We left in silence and dropped her off in silence.

That night, I got home and immediately got into PJs...barely...said goodnight to my dad and step mother, thanking them for all that they did that night and went to bed. I lay my head down and wanted nothing more than for the mental torture of myself (believing that I was a horrible person and I ruined her life and her important night again) to stop and stop for good, so I buried my face in the pillow and pinched my nose as hard as I could, thinking that I could smother myself and it would at least look like somewhat of an accident. Only moments later I passed out...

Fortunately, I had rolled away from the pillow and had managed to breathe again. I didn’t wake up until the next morning, however. I woke up very dazed and confused. I wasn’t sure that what I had done the night before was actually real but it very slowly sank in as I lay in bed for hours, slowly thinking. I was lucky to be alive and, though that was a very stupid and ineffective way of thinking of killing myself, I realized that my thoughts were so clouded that night that I didn’t have time to contemplate a better way. I knew that if this continued that I eventually would, which actually scared me literally almost to death because it’s not who I am. I didn’t understand then why I had decided that I had decided that this was the best course of action that I could possibly take. I thought that I was just generally depressed and that I was overall terrible at life. I didn’t understand what was actually happening at all but I knew that something had to change. I immediately began planning a long, difficult, but desperate plan to leave her. Subconsciously I knew that it was the right thing to do, but I never full understood why I knew it would make things better...maybe that makes me very naive...but that’s just the truth...

When I finally did leave her, it was a very messy situation, but I felt very liberated. I was very foolish and rash in everything I did for a while because I was so mentally damaged from such a long period of abuse. I had no idea that was what was going on, though. I felt better, but not right. I thought that I would feel like I was always supposed to. Like I would be healthy and smarter again. However, I actually felt very hollow and damaged. I didn’t know why and I definitely didn’t realize that the scar was so deeply created... It never went away...and perhaps got much worse over time, in fact, as it’s had time to brew subconsciously without me knowing.

These are only very few of the incidents and daily torments that I was put through. I didn’t realize how much pain it had actually put me in or how much pain it would continue to cause me for years. I never really knew why I wanted to kill myself over something so seemingly small. I guess, in a way, I knew subconsciously all along, but never wanted to pick at the details because it hurt too much as it was...

One of the things that has picked at me the most in recent years is how my mom views me. She believes that my high school struggles and my messiness and my lack of motivation are all learned behaviors from her because of the way she behaved and that my step father had put us both down to, which she believed was her fault for keeping him around. I always knew that this wasn’t true, it wasn’t her fault. The situation with my step father definitely didn’t help, however, I couldn’t help but feel that it wasn’t her fault or even his fault. I never could tell her that I disagreed, though, because I didn’t have an answer for why I am who I am and I have behaved the way that I have or why my high school years went so poorly. But, in these last couple of months I have realized that I actually had all of the negative behaviors and thoughts that I have described before she did and that it isn’t learned from one another at all. I realized that my years of brutal abuse started before hers and she has been going through it too now with my step father, and we just both react to our abuse in a similar way. I feel really guilty for not realizing this sooner and helping her understand and feel better about who I am and how I have turned out; that it’s definitely not her fault. She has taken so much out on herself about my life and it makes me very depressed. But I don’t know how to confront her about this now, because I don’t think that she will believe me or understand; at least not for many years after her relationship with my step father is over.

I am very broken and depressed and angry with myself and upset and...so many other feelings from this shock of realization of my abuse that I can’t help but feel the same put-down feeling that I had while it was happening. It’s like living in a nightmare, but it’s already happened before and it’s just as scary this time around. I am finding that I’m very sensitive to certain words, phrases, actions, etc. that I never know are coming, but they trigger little moments of panic or depression out of nowhere that I try very hard to hide. I never expect them and I know that none of them are intentional or with the same destructive motive at all, so I just usually have to mentally talk my way down, which typically doesn’t take very long if I have something to distract me, thankfully. But hiding it can be tough and I am sorry for all of the times that it does show (which is hopefully never) because it isn’t a baggage that I want anyone to ever see in person or have to put up with. These little triggers have been around for many years now, but I never really understood why. Sometimes they trigger little unpleasant memories, make my heart race, give me a little panic attack, make me suddenly defensive, etc. I like to think that I am pretty good at hiding the moment and just keeping them internal these days, because they are generally small enough moments and easy to hide, but the long term effect of each trigger is usually a depression that may last hours. I’ve been blowing these off as nothing more than unpleasantries that nobody needed to know about. I guess, for years, I just assumed that everybody has similar feelings and moments, which many probably do. It never really occurred to me, though, that having them daily...and multiple times daily...wasn’t a normal thing. I found out in my research that these are actually symptoms of a specific post traumatic illness that is very similar to PTSD and generally called, classified and treated the same way...

This is not who I am, but I know that this is part of my life now and forever and I have to find a way to push on...especially as other parts of life get a bit rough...

I have so many good parts of my life right now that I know I will never get back to my darkest state. With all of the little stresses piling up recently, it can be easy to give in to the depression that has always been there and likely always will be and it isn’t an opportune time to have had this realization...but then again...when would be... I just keep telling myself that I am very fortunate for the here-and-now and that everything is ok and will always be ok. I know it’s true and I just have to let that feeling fight it’s way through the rough...

All of this is a realization and also a confession that I hide a lot of things. I hide that I suffer from constant small headaches from muscle tension and grinding my teeth from stress, the constant aches and pains in my muscles from stress; I hide my constant anxiety and the real depth of my insomnia; I hide my nearly constant dark feeling; I hide my trigger moments; I hide my many health problems that concern me; I hide my very low self esteem. I don’t like hiding these things at all, but I am extremely embarrassed and nervous to ever let them show or discuss them. That’s why I usually shy away from the topics when they are brought up and start reverting to short answers with a dull look on my face... When asked if I’m ok, the answer will always be “yes”, but the reality is almost always “not really” and I actually hate that very much but I’m too afraid to say so because I’m embarrassed, so I hide it. I know that everything is and will be ok anyways, but it’s still very tough...

One of my least favorite parts of this is that every time I have a very good, happy, laughing, excited or enjoyable moment, it is almost always followed by an immediate, deep crash into negative emotions and depression that I have to try extremely hard to hide for the betterment of those around me (so that I don’t ruin the good moments) and out of embarrassment. Sometimes, I will try so hard to hide it and I will become too seemingly positive or excited about stuff that I may go overboard with it and almost seem like I’m awkwardly trying to cover up something which brings out my biggest fear that I will be caught in my insecurity. I try really hard to come across very positive for those around me all of the time, or as often as possible. I always have as I like helping others. I like helping others see a different perspective; I like making others feel like their life matters, I like being seen as a positive, uplifting person when people need it most. I don’t mind being the mediator in tense situations if I know that I can bring the conversation or mood back to a calm and happy one. The horrible truth is that, usually, when I am being positive for others I am actually in one of my mentally darkest moments. I am hiding my pain with my positivity. I don’t like having to hide things this way, but my desire to be positive for others is real at the same time. It’s very complicated to understand this mix of feelings as I don’t understand it myself. I feel that my positivity leads people as far away from my dark insecurity as possible and theirs at the same time. It makes me feel safe from giving into negativity for the world to see and keeps me from being the center of attention in a very negative and embarrassing way. It sounds very selfish when I put it all out this way, but I do actually want those around me to be in a good place and I’m glad that I can help them.

Letting out all of these thoughts is maybe what I need but to also relive what happened to me when I thought that I had blocked most of it out makes it hurt all over again, almost as much as it did in the moment. However, I know that I already learned a lot from that period of my life and I’m still learning a lot, I guess, but it is still hard to get passed it anyway. I know that good things are always coming and this deep pain will hopefully pass. I do fear that I won’t be able to hide what is happening to me forever and showing it is the last thing that I want. I don’t ever want this to interfere with anything good in my life or any time that I get with the people that I love and care about in my life. I truly hate that she still has a strangle hold on every aspect of my life because of the way that she damaged my mind and I hate that it is so difficult to break out of the habits, emotions and behaviors that have such current and long-lasting negative impacts.

I don’t want to feel the deep negative emotions from my trauma all over again, but they are here to stay for a while, and I know that they won’t ever quite go away, but it will lessen with more time...I hope. And this rough patch will be short lived because of all of the real love I receive from everyone around me... and for that I am always grateful...

If you are reading this, then I have decided that sharing this was important to our relationship. I am by no means looking for attention or sympathy. In fact, quite the opposite. I have been very undecided about sharing this at all because l am very embarrassed by it and it makes me feel weak and I have had a deep and unfounded fear that I won’t be understood...it has nothing to do with wanting to keep secrets or worrying specifically about how anyone will take it because I know that, in reality, everyone will be accepting and caring. Those that I am closest to truly love me very much and I know that. I don’t want you to think that it has anything to do with you or our relationship (whatever that may be) that I didn’t share this sooner or haven’t been open with you. I care about you and our relationship and my relationship with everyone close more than anything else in my life, which is why I know I need to share this. It’s just really hard to put all of your insecurities out in the open to anyone...I hope that you understand that... As I’ve been writing this for about two months now (mostly written in two nights with constant editing and adding since) and reading over and over, I’ve been so dazed on it all. Maybe I’m just being very over dramatic about the whole thing, but the emotions from this are very real and very strong. I sit in my car at lunch eating alone, trying to figure out how to be okay with myself so that I can keep going. I’ve spent a lot of my sleepless time working on this, making sure that I say everything that I want to and mentally building up the courage to share it and trying to decide the right time to let this be read... I don’t think that I’m ready to talk about this in person yet, but thank you for taking the time to read it and soak it in with me...it means enough right now...

#abuse #emotions #story #memories #memory #hurt #pain #writing #aesthetic #my story #emotional abuse #psychological abuse #narcissistic abuse #thoughts #long reads #reading

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mahalkitajohnnysuh · 4 years

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Quarantine Series (Part III)

Remember their Relay V Lives last April? Yes, those have inspired me to write the next two installments of this series.

For this one, the GIF below says it all. Isn’t it exciting? I got it from Tumblr too but I can’t seem to find its source, so please let me know who this belongs to. Thank you!

Mahal ko kayong lahat! :)

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Summary: I already said what you needed to know about this piece above, so I would just like to add that Johnny’s outfit here is inspired by this photo of my first love Adam Driver. Dang, I really have a thing for big, tall men!

POV: 2nd person

Word count: 1,200+ words

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“Get up, loser! We’re going to exercise!”

Johnny Suh screeched, banging open your door to report of this so-called mandatory activity. “Why are we going to exercise?” You whined, burying yourself deeper into the comforter. “No buts, ma’am! We’ve got to shake that ass to get that toned bod!” Your housemate said, removing the blanket that covered your body and twirling you to look at him. But before you could even complain that you didn’t want to, your eyes widened at his outfit.

“What the hell are you wearing?” You shrieked, absorbing Johnny’s chosen workout attire of a bandanna, skimpy tank top (with ‘Let’s Get Physical’ printed on it in silver glitter), and a pair of neon booty shorts. “The weather’s hot, baby. And maybe I want to show off the fruits of my labor so you and Mark will be motivated to work out even more,” he said, now showing off his rainbow-striped tube socks and retro sneakers.

“You look as if you stepped out of a cheesy 80s aerobic video, but whatever,” you grumbled, finally getting up from the bed. “Can you give me five minutes to change?” He responded with a thumbs-up before he screamed again in the hallway. “I’ll let you do ten push-ups if you don’t comply with that time!” You could only roll your eyes at his words before you search your closet for a pair of jogging pants.

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Four minutes later – for fear of doing something you didn’t even know how to do properly – you emerged from your room and saw that Johnny had already set up the living room with mats, kettlebells, and weights.

“Wow, you’re early,” your instructor said, eyeing you from head to toe. “For a beginner, you sure dress well,” he gave you another thumbs-up, which you replied by flipping the bird on him. “Mark Lee! Where the heck are you?” His booming voice made the younger guy come out, who wore all black for his workout attire. “I see you’re in black, Mr. Lee. Maybe we’re going to mourn the loss of your excess fat after this,” Johnny snickered, earning giggles from you and your fellow attendee. “Now, let's get it!”

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Although Mark was fitter than you, he was showing signs of fatigue from the routine that your instructor demonstrated. You can say the same for yourself, but you didn’t want anyone of them to see how exhausted you are. However, Johnny was still in high spirits by teaching you guys how to do exercises with the kettlebell and even pumped up the music. To be honest, you didn’t want to take his workout seriously because his playlist was all over the place – aside from the aforementioned cheesy 80s aerobics music, he also had promiscuous rap songs and even techno headbangers from the late 90s. As much as you wanted to laugh at how the playlist shifted from Vibez to Crazy Frog, Johnny berated you when he caught you not following instructions.

“Miss Park, please! If I catch you not following again, I’ll make you do 10 more,” he hissed while moving the kettlebell up and down.

“Can we get a break, please,” Mark groaned, looking paler than usual. “We’ve been at it for 20 minutes, hyung. Please?”

When the brown-haired guy dropped the kettlebell on the mat, you and Mark rushed to the kitchen to get some drinks.

“Don’t drink anything that isn’t water or any sports drink! We’re not yet done!”

\\\

Johnny’s exercise routine took 45 minutes, and it ended with you and Mark lying on your respective mats in pain. “Am I that out of shape?” He huffed, looking up at the ceiling. “Nonsense, you’re fitter than I,” you replied, your breath still catching up with your exercise. “Look at me, I might die anytime soon.”

“That’s even more nonsense!” Your instructor sat beside you with a huge smile on his face. “You did great, baby! I never thought you were that flexible,” he handed you a bottle of Pocari Sweat, which you accepted wordlessly.

“How about me, hyung?” Mark’s question was answered when Johnny threw another bottle of the sports drink at him.

“This was really fun! Maybe we should do it twice a week. We don’t have much to do during this quarantine anyway.” He was ecstatic at how he made you and Mark tired from exercise that his eyes were practically glowing.

“Who says we don’t have much to do? I can list a lot of things I can do during this quarantine that doesn’t involve exercise,” you grumbled, sitting up so you can now drink your Pocari Sweat.

“You and your sedentary activities,” Johnny scoffed. “Why don’t you and Doyoung make a club? You two are practically holed up in your bedrooms anyway.”

“There’s a certain joy of staying inside, Mr. Suh. For someone who isn’t an extrovert like you, you wouldn’t understand.” You placed the bottle on the floor with a thud, shaking Mark a bit.

“Hey, noona. Calm down,” he whispered, scooting closer to you. “And please, don’t fight. If there’s one thing I don’t want all of us to do, it’s that.”

You stared at Johnny, who returned the gesture. You had a stare-off that lasted for fifteen seconds before you heard Mark stand up and go back to his bedroom, mumbling something along the lines of ‘never-ending sexual tension’ and ‘dense as fuck’.

“But seriously, Essie. Exercise is good for everyone. I don’t need to remind you that, right?” You couldn’t look at the guy beside you, who talked with such a soft and loving voice. You could only nod in response and looked at your lap. “I’m going to make this a regular thing, and of course, you and Mark could also hold activities of your own that all of us can do.”

“I’m guessing Mark will make us perform a song together, considering all of us play instruments,” you chuckled, remembering the times that he gathered everyone in the living room so each one can perform a song of their liking.

“I think so too,” you heard Johnny move closer to you, “and I wonder what’ll be yours?” When you looked up, he linked an arm around your waist and pulled you closer to him. “Maybe eat,” you said matter-of-factly, making him laugh. You felt his abs as he did so, and you tried to move away, so you don’t completely become a flustered mess. He didn’t let you and tightened his hold.

“It’s all balanced then,” he kissed the top of your head before letting you go. “Our next session will be two days from now, so talk to Mark which one of you is in charge of tomorrow’s activity.” He helped you stand up, and in return, you helped him clean up today’s set-up. “I think I want to go first, I want us to eat something I haven’t eaten in ages…” you mumbled after packing away the last of gym equipment into its respective cabinet.

“Oh, is that so? But still, talk to Marky.” Johnny jerked his thumb toward the younger guy’s bedroom. “Yeah, I know. But thanks though for today.” You grinned, giving him two thumbs-up. “And thank you as well, my grumpy baby,” he messed your hair with his hands, “I’m looking forward to tomorrow’s feast.”

“Same here,” you laughed, now dashing toward Mark’s room. “If you’ll excuse me, I have to talk to Mr. Lee here.”

–––

FIN

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blindedbythedarkness · 4 years

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Josh,

Things have gotten very mad, very fucking quickly here. For one thing, we are now quarantined amidst a global pandemic. This whole past week has very much felt like that scene from the IT Crowd. You know the one with the vicar at the funeral where he opens by announcing that:

Death! Death is coming! Death is here! Death is outside. There is no escape. Who's that knocking at the door? Yes, it's death.

Wait, I have no idea if you ever watched the IT Crowd? Surely, you must’ve done? You were doing a computer science degree so I’ll be very fucking disappointed if you didn’t. Anyhow, that scene makes me piss but very much matches the mood right now. If I do die, I very much want that speech at my funeral. Unfortunately for you, that ship has already sailed.

So, yes, back to the Pandemic. Yeah, I’m really not joking. A new kind of Corona virus popped up in China three or four months back; no one really paid it any attention though until it got to Europe. Now there’s literal videos all over the internet of people fighting over loo roll in supermarkets as people are panic buying. I never dreamed there’d be an appropriate time besides Halloween to be wearing my witch doctor mask out in public, yet here we are. I keep seeing people saying April Fools Day this year is cancelled because things really can’t get more ridiculous, and honestly they’re right. People are dying, people are scared and yet the quarantine memes are coming thick and fast and people are day drinking as unis cancel all exams.

That’s a sad thought actually. If you’d just made it through those few exams last year, they would actually have ended up being the last exams you’d ever have had to do. Oh, if only you’d known.

Given the absolute bizarre nature of this situation, I can’t imagine at all how you’d react. That makes me a little sad, like a part of the picture I have of who you are is missing. But, like I say this whole thing is pretty unique and unpredictable. I just fucking wish you were here. Don’t get me wrong, it’s scary. As someone classed as At Risk, I’m scared. But man, this is a fucking wild experience and I sincerely feel you’ve missed out. Besides, you’d probably be in your element having to stay in all day, not socialise and get all your food delivered! For you, it probably would have just been a great meme-filled experience. Plus, right now I would have appreciated having someone to game with online.

That’s not the only overbearing source of death right now though (don’t go thinking I’m actually lucky for once). The fact that I’m having to stay in quarantine in order to try to avoid to virus is in itself dangerous to me. It might help my physical health, but staying indoors and not being able to socialise is the polar opposite of what helps my depression. Everything is incredibly uncertain right now. I have no idea how long this will all last, and I’m genuinely afraid of what it could do to my mental health. Though in general I don’t want to die, the slightest tip of the balance brings the suicidal thoughts back. So that’s fun. We’ll just have to see what happens I suppose. At least I have you to talk to, though I think you’d be better company if you were breathing slightly more.

Oh and the other thing? A scan I had for one of my joints revealed a tumour. A tumour unrelated to the joint pain I’ve been having, but a tumour all the same. I haven’t been told much besides that it’s in my pelvis and they think it’s benign, but I’m still not feeling great about it. Having just done an oncology module, I’m well aware they can become malignant and it means a part of me is one step closer to cancer than I would like any of my cells to be. Plus, the whole thing has really got to A since he’s lost two family members to cancer the past two years, so it’s all bringing back memories. Thankfully, it doesn’t seem like death from this is quite as imminent as it may be from other sources. However, that hasn’t stopped the nightmares which are now filled with me being told repeatedly “sorry, we got it wrong. It is cancer. You have less than a year to live,” followed by me crying uncontrollably, grieving the life I’ll never live. So kind of my brain to play out my worst fears for me on a nightly basis.

So, yes, like I say I am very much surrounded by death at the minute. If anything, it has confirmed for me that I don’t want to die, at least. That’s one positive. Now the challenge is actually achieving that! Nothing personal, Josh, but I don’t wish to be joining you anytime soon.

Love always,

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trustdivinechaos · 4 years

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#Personal #for my future therapist

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meli-productions · 5 years

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In honor of Suicide Prevention Month

Trigger Warning: depression, suicide discussion.

Four years ago, I wrote what you’ll find underneath, and it’s something that I wanted to share again. It’s Suicide Prevention Month and, yes, you see all those awareness posts from people and organizations, but they’re so removed from you that you don’t see it as a real thing sometimes.

And it is.

It’s painfully real and consuming and, well, painful. I am a writer, I write what I know, I write what needs to be known, whether of me or of things in the world.

This isn’t exactly about suicide, it’s more about what leads to it. This isn’t for me, this is for knowledge, for awareness. I’m not ashamed of my past with it, wasn’t then, and am not now. It’s just a thing that happens.

Originally written in 2015. [Bracketed parts edited 2019]

Depression: what is it?

It's not just a prolonged sadness that can be easily resolved by watching funny videos or just relaxing or even going out with friends. It's more than that. So much more than healing with distractions.

For me, it's lying in bed at one o'clock [in the morning night anytime really] hearing as a voice in my head reminds me of everything I hate about myself. It's hearing the voice remind me that I am alone in my thoughts…and [hearing it say I'm alone in general. Saying you’re alone, alone, alone. A mantra beating into your head and heart.] It's the extreme sense of loneliness, sometimes even around a lot of people, even friends, even family.

It's sneaking into the bathroom in the middle of the night [or during the day, or crawling under your sheets] to cry. Hearing that voice sneer at me, at my red and swollen face in the mirror and the fury that follows from seeing how pathetic I look. Or sometime just silently crying in bed and hoping that no one hears me, [no one nearby, down the hall, downstairs, no one. Or hoping no one sees through you when you say everything’s fine. Hoping no one decides to look deeper.]

It's wanting to get up early and make the most of my day, help the teachers out at the high school, write, read, travel, but not having the energy to get out of bed because a part of you says "why bother" and oversleeping. Not even being able to fall asleep because your mind keeps reminding you of all the things you've failed to do.[It’s feeling fake for feeling nauseated pulling up into that parking space, then being able to laugh because something funny is happening hours later—it’s the sneering voice saying ‘You’re faking it, you’re faking it, you’re faking it and that’s why no one notices’.]

It's not wanting to eat, or talk, or even SING your favorite songs because your mouth feels sewn shut and opening it is quite a tiring task. It's the hollow feeling in your chest, ice searing your chest cavity [running down your veins and weighing you down, an elephant pressing against limb and body] and making you feel cold all over. Not even a blanket can warm you up. It's not wanting to move to cook or clean or shower because there’s no energy, no strength in your bones as you flop side-to-side against the pillow, but doing it because other people are counting on you to feed them, [to be clean to be strong to be kind to help to help to help.] It's sitting in a bathtub as the shower head pours hot water on you and not feeling well enough to get up and get clean, never wanting to leave the water that is actually warning you up for once, [something against the chill of the ice inside.]

It's wanting to reach out for help and support as you’ve been told but not being able to because you feel like a burden, a nuisance, a bother, even though people have constantly [constantly] told you you're not...but not being able to believe them because you feel like they're just saying it to be nice. It's reading nice things that people say and write about you that you can't even accept because the self-loathing voice keeps telling you it knows better. All those people trying to encourage you but not being able to take it to heart because you feel like [a dark cloud is clouding your vision, shadowing your mind, tearing away at your soul. Static sticking to your mind and letting you drift farther and farther.]

It's the pang of envy when you see the people you love together and having a ball, but then remembering that no one wants a downer among them. [That you know there’s no fun in you, that people never saw it in you. No one remembers until you reappear while you think and think and worry and hope for their best. It’s knowing, knowing, that you’re speaking to open air, to nothing that picks up the echoes of heart and mind. That people’s worry wilts and turns into eye rolls, that it’s better to forget someone so problematic.]

It's the feeling or seeing everyone else bloom and growing up while you still feel like a wide eyed child most of the time, [an adult as a child, a grappling child against adulthood.] It's feeling like something broken that no one wants because it's too hard to keep happy. [It’s pushing people away because alone is safe, alone means nobody worries, alone means that your absence isn’t missed, your voice, your presence. It’s wanting people away so no one catches, so no one is weighed down with worry. Pushing people away so their absence doesn’t hurt. It’s not knowing what to say when people acutely realize that something’s wrong—fearing breaking down, fearing overwhelming them, fearing their reactions.]

It's the fear of writing this statuses because it’s not an attention thing. The last thing you want is to be selfish, the last thing you wanna do is raise alarm, the last thing you want is for someone to see through the words you write and don’t mean.

It’s wanting a physical presence there. [Because it’s not a physical presence anymore, it’s wingtips and scales and intangible grasps at the worlds that I created. For the touch-starved desperation, for the hugs that you miss, the weight of laughing friends, the presence of someone, anybody and knowing that it’s not there. Because now there’s only ghost touch of angels, of childhood haunts, and wanting to be blanketed in those presences when real people are no longer there.]

It's putting on a smile and saying "I'm good" when someone asks because you don't want them to spend their time worried about you. It's the fear of being annoying, especially to those who already have so much crap to go through. It's feeling selfish because you know that other people are suffering more in the world and hating, hating, that you're thinking of your own sadness instead.

It's thinking yourself ugly, fat, unlovable, broken, insignificant, untalented, a nuisance even though people tell you you're not. It's wishing your demise in the middle of the night, the voice saying that your family will be the only ones that suffer, an event easily forgotten by everyone else. Then hating yourself for being so selfish in even thinking that because, for someone that has been told she's smart, that's a stupid thing to think.It's having 5 months of an uphill climb come crashing down in 1 week. It’s the upswing of joy and the downward swoop of not, it’s stagnation and a slow crawl back up. It’s wanting to quit everything…but realizing that that’s selfish, selfish, selfish, and not being able to do anything selfish.

This is my depression.

It's messy, it's sudden, but it's the hand I was dealt and I'm dealing with it. December's are always hard on my for some reason, and this year last year, every year gets harder...again don't know why. I'm sorry, on second hand, no I’m not, this is who I am, this is what I have and if it bothers you than do yourself a favor and just...unfriend, unfollow, whatever's in your best interest.

[There are things that change. Things that get better, things that get more intense. Sometimes there are triggers, sometimes it’s anxiety, other times they’re so sudden there’s no reason, no why. But it never gets in the way, never seeps into the innocent lives around me, never to the people around me, in fact, most people don’t notice. But it’s something I’ve learned to live with.

But that’s the thing. I’ve learned to live with it. Other people don’t. Other people go through the same, get to the same limit, the same edge of a building, blade, life and they topple over. Don’t ignore the signs. Even when they say they’re okay—they might not be. They might lash out, insist. You might be the only thing between them and a final goodbye.]

Thanks. Goodnight.

#suicide prevention month #tw: suicide #tw: depression #personal writing #writing #my writing

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lubdubsworld · 6 years

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Fibonacci

Chapter 11

"Stop right there.!!"

Jamie freezes in the middle of the hallways, clutching her backpack to her chest in shock. She shuts her eyes in defeat. The last person she wants to get caught by is JB or Jinyoung. That voice was definitely the GOT7 leader and he sounds less than thrilled to see her. Not that she blames him. It's a little past ten and she has no business wandering around the company. She considers lying her way out of this little trouble but decides against it.

"I'm going out." she says stubbornly and he glares harder.

"I've been noticing. I wanted to stop you a long time back but Jackson kept putting it off. Well, now I've had enough! where the hell are you sneaking off to every night?" He snaps and she flinches.

"I...I go to see someone." she says softly.

He stares at her.

"Namja? A man...?" He prompts and she bites her lips in contemplation. Get it over with, she tells herself.

"Yes. I.. he's...a friend." she finishes .

"Just a friend?"

"Yes." But we kiss.

"You expect me to believe that , when I see you sneaking out for three or four hours every fucking night." he growls and Jamie feels a little guilty.

But it's not like she has a choice. Yoongi would be on tour soon and the only time they got together was when he came back after his schedules which is usually late at night. And even then, most days, they didn't speak or even kiss. She just stays up with him in the recording room, Yoongi laying down on her lap while she threads her fingers through his hair and sings a bit for him. He sleeps well for the three or four hours that she is there and she knows that he enjoys the sound of her soft voice singing for him. Even if he doesn't say it out loud.

She feels grounded now, just seeing him everyday, touching him and most nights she can't fall asleep afraid that she'll wake and find she's dreamt the whole thing.

She can't stop now.

"I don't expect you to believe or suspect me. I just..I hope you'll trust me and let me make my own choices." she says softly and JB scoffs.

"Sure. As long as those choices don't involve you getting kicked out of the company for immoral behaviour. " JB says sternly and she keeps quiet. He has a point. She's not naive. Everytime she goes out to meet Yoongi she's risking a lot.

Jb sighs and holds a hand out for her to take.

Jamie doesn't take it though. She's not sure why but she thinks she isn't ready to take anyone's hand but Yoongi's.

"Listen, i'm not an idiot . i know you're dating Jimin but... just think about it. If it becomes public news , who do you think is going to get the backlash. Certainly not the golden boy. And also, whatever they say, he is friends with Suga and Rapmon and well...i'm not really sure they're the kind of guys you should be getting involved with." JB says nervously and Jamie glares at him.

"I'm not dating Jimin. I'm not dating anyone. I'm just meeting a friend that I like a lot." and am in love with.

"and this friend, he's okay with you risking everything just to meet him for a couple of hours." No, I have to fight him everyday. But I don't mind. Because I know he wants to see me as much I want to see him.

"Oppa, i know you mean well...but..this is important. I'm sorry you don't approve but I can't stop seeing him.." she says firmly, turning around and stalking off. She feels bad, hurt and awful for talking to her oppa like that, but..it's late. She only has a handful of days left before he leaves to Japan to promote his video. And then she wouldn't be able to see him for a long , long time.

"So, you guys are dating?" Rapmon says casually and Yoongi gives him a level stare.

"No. Do you see me holding hands, sneaking kisses or missing schedules because I'm skipping away to be romantic with her? What we are doing is...getting to know each other. We're not ready to date yet." He says quietly. Rapmon hesitates and then finally sighs.

"Okay. If you must know, jimin's ...just worried that you'll...I don't know....force her to...well, he's just worried that she's still quite young. She's only twenty and she doesn't really know what she's doing so you should be a bit careful with her." Rapmon finishes awkwardly and yoongi goes over the scattered phrases , finally understanding what the other was trying to say.

It amuses him but angers him at the same time.

"You can tell Jimin that my sex life is none of his business. I'm not some perverted rapist. " He says blandly and Rapmon has the good grace to look ashamed.

"Jiminie's a good kid...he just..."

"He's not a kid, Namjoon. He's old enbought to understand that I'm not some kind of monster to go around breaking little girls." He says and the door swings open just then and Jimin steps in. Rapmon immediately moves out and yoongi stares at hi friend evenly.

"Are you in love with her?" Jimin asks finally and Yoongi raises an eyebrow.

"I could say yes, if it makes you feel better." He says finally.

Jimin looks surprised and then bites his lips.

"I... just...hyung you shouldn't be doing this if you aren't serious about her." He says softly.

"Doing what, Jiminie? What exactly do you think I'm doing to your precious namesake?" Yoongi leans forward, resting his face in the v of his linked fingers. Jimin glares at him.

"Hyung, she's a nice girl...Don't hurt her." He says quietly.

Yoongi sighs and shakes her head.

"If only life was that easy. I can't tell you I'll never hurt her, Jimin, because i know that's not how relationships work. There's always pain and there's always heartbreak. You and I, we make a living out of heartbreak don't we? If there isn't hurt, we wouldn't have a job..." He smiles .

Jimin scoffs.

"Cut the bullshit, hyung. You knew how I felt about her. You knew I liked her...Then why would you..."

"I'm sorry, Jimin. I just...I don't know what else to tell you." Its all he says but there's a lot going on inside his head right now.

I like Jamie very much. I promise you I'll try my best not to hurt her. I know you probably like her a lot more than I do. Hell, you may probably even treat her a lot better than I ever could. You know hyung. I'm not good at being romantic and I'm certainly not good at treating women right. I'll probably make a lot of mistakes. But I do want to try. I want to try to treat her right. I want to try to listen to her. Try to open up to her. It's not going to happen at once, is it ?I know but I hope that someday I'll be able to answer your question without thinking. Maybe someday, I'll just respond that yes, I love her. Yes, I won't hurt her. Yes, I'll make her happy.

"There's something I've been thinking about." Yoongi says quietly, taking a sip of water. Jamie feels nervousness bubble up inside her. She's always scared he's going to say they aren't working out. It's his last day in Korea. He's flying to Japan and afterwards it's just going to be two months of tours and concerts. She wouldn't be able to see him . It's alright, Jamie has her own album to start working on. She thinks she can survive on video chats and phone calls.

She's survived on a lot less for a lot longer.

they're both sitting in his room in the dorm, Suga on the chair and Jamie on his bed, fiddling nervously with the tassels at the end of her skirt. The rest of Bangtan is out on a schedule and Namjoon is in his room, fast asleep. Their flight to Japan leaves in twenty-two hours and Jamie knows she should probably leave. Give him time to pack and take some rest.

"What is it?" she asks instead. Her back hurts a bit because she's sitting on the bed and there's no support. She could climb on the bed and lean on the wall but for some reason, she's just too shy to do it in front of him. She's not sure she wants him to see her crawling on his bed.

He looks a bit torn and finally pulls out a few flyers. She stares at them in shock when he hands them to her. They're shots of an apartment, empty but furnished. It looks new and bright. Not too big , just a couple of rooms and a living space and a kitchen. She stares at it, not at all sure what he's saying.

"Last year, I was planning on moving out of the dorm and I ...well...I bought this place. It's in one of those celebrity buildings. Most of the others are budding actors or rookies so there's not a lot of Paparazzi trouble. But I can't really leave my members , at least not till we become more established. I still do most of my work in the recording room here , so I won't be spending a lot of time there, anyway." He says with a shrug and she continues to stare at him, confused.

"So...?" She asks.

"Would you like to move in there?" He says finally and her jaw almost hits the floor.

"Are you...Are you asking me to move in with you?" She stares at him in shock, heart pounding so loud, she thinks it's going to pound right out of her ribcage.

He looks at her for a few seconds and she sort of freezes when he grins wide, his smile literally knocking the breath out of her because it's that gorgeous. Then he laughs and shakes his head. She feels blissed out happy. Min Yoongi smiling is the most beautiful sight on the planet, she thinks giddily.

"I just told You I won't be moving in with you. I wanted to offer you the place because it's close to your company and you won't have to risk getting caught everytime you come to meet me. It would be nice to have a nice neutral place to stay at, don't you think?" He shrugs and she hesitates.

"I'm not sure I like this arrangement. "

He nods.

"You're free to refuse , of course. I just thought it might be a good idea. I've installed a recording studio there and well, you can work on your songs as well, if you like." He says with a smile.

She hesitates.

"But if you aren't there...." she says nervously.

"I'll be there. Anytime I have time off, I'll be there." He says softly.

Doing what she wonders suddenly. She's not sure how to say it but she feels a bit sad that he doesn't want to take their relationship forward, physically. It's been three months already and now he won't be around for another two months. She knows he must at least think about sleeping with her. But she's just too shy to voice her thoughts out because she's scared it might turn him off.

He grins and moves to sit next to her on the bed, wrapping and arm around her shoulder. She leans a bit against his strong frame. He's solid and warm against her and she lightly touches the knee of his blue jeans.

"I could stay over, tonight." she suggests casually and he stares down at her.

"Do you want to?" He asks her after a pause.

She nods rather quickly and he grins and falls back on the bed, moving to the side closer to the wall and patting the space next to him.

"Climb in then." he shrugs casually. She just sits there feeling unaccountably awkward while he just lounges about completely at peace with his body. Jamie feels clumsy and plump and downright shabby next to his milky white perfection. why is she so handsome? Oh, God. she's going to combust on the spot.

He lightly circles her wrist with his hand and gives it a sharp yank.

She tumbles down on top of him in shock, face inches from his and body pressed right against his chest. His hands slip down, lightly grabbing her waist and pulling her up, simultaneously moving himself to a sitting position. A second later she's in his lap, straddling his waist and staring him right in the eye. He looks thoughtful and lightly slips a hand up her shirt, tracing the bare skin of her back while she concentrates on breathing and not fainting dead away. it's amazing, the effect he has on her, even though it's hardly the first time they've been kissing.

"I was wondering, when exactly did we meet six years ago?" He says softly and she tries to gather her thoughts.

"At the JYP office. You were there to see the CEO. You..uh.. gave me your number and told me to look you up when I grew up. " She smiles at the often recalled memory and he hums, bending down and kissing the edge of her collarbone lightly.

"Really? I wish I remember." He says regretfully.

"I think I feel in love with you , that day."

"You're joking. " He stares at her in disbelief.

"No. In fact, I was always a bit doubtful on whether I made the right choice, joining JYP. But then, when i saw you there on that evening, a part of me just knew that I was meant to meet you that day. It was fate. I was meant to meet you, see you and just fall in love with you on that December night. Over the years anytime I was frustrated. Anytime I thought of quitting, I'd always tell myself that if I left this world I'd never see you again. It was a sort of a motivation for me... I always worked hard because I wanted to be good enough for you."

He stares at her for a few long seconds, lightly rubbing his thumb across her lower lips.

"I guess it's my turn then?" He whispers.

"Your turn?" she asks, confused.

"My turn to work hard. So I can be good enough for you." he grins and she doesn't know if he's teasing or not. But his words sort of send warmth through her body and she melts into his arms.

He sucks the sensitive skin at the juncture of her throat and her neck and bites down on it gently making her grip his shoulders hard, unintentionally grinding down on his crotch. A strangled moan escapes him as he quickly stills her hips and pulls away laughing.

"Easy, baby girl. You don't want to start something dangerous right now do you." He whispers and there's something different in his tone. She catches the desire in his eye and that's all the encouragement she needs really.

"Can we have sex tonight?" She says before she can fully process the thought and filter it off the way she's supposed. The words just literally fall off her tongue and for the first time since she's known him , Min Yoongi looks completely stunned.

He just gapes at her for a second.

"I..I..just.. what did you just say?" He croaks out.

In for a penny, In for a pound.

"We could...I mean... if you want to.." she stammers . He looks like he's going to agree and her entire body goes hot as he leans forward.

"YAH MIN YOONGI GENIUS JAJJANG MYUN BOONG BOONG....!!!! WHERE ARE YOU??!!!"

Jin's voice pretty much resonates through the room and Jamie jumps off his lap like a scalded cat. She lands on the chair and crosses her legs, just as Yoongi grabs a pillow to cover his crotch. The door swings open and Jin stands in the doorway, looking murderous. He glares between the pair of them and Jamie feels like a teenager caught necking in her room. Jin looks hilariously stern as he stares at Yoongi.

"We should get packing? Shouldn't you be sending Jamie back?" He says suspiciously.

"Yes. Hyung..just..let me tell her goodbye. "

Jin looks like he;d rather not leave but finally does. Yoongi gives her a bright smile and shakes his head.

"Rain check on that...question you just asked?>' he winks and she laughs embarassedly.

"Come home safe, Oppa. I'll be cheering you on. I'll be waiting for you." She says softly and for a second something painful crosses his features. Then he grins.

"And, I'll try to think of you. Often." He says stiltedly and she smiles.

It's such a non romantic way to put it, she thinks.

It's such a 'Yoongi' way to put it.

And she loves him all the more for it.

#yoongi #jamie #bts #15and

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verlysgaminglife · 6 years

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hi everyone

it’s been ages since I have updated you all on my life and what has been going on. for quite a while I really haven’t had much energy to do much of anything. I’ve played a few visual novels here and there to keep myself from going crazy (literally) but other than that. All I’ve really done is stay in my room and sleep, stare at my computer blankly and just go through the motions to get through each day.

I didn’t want to bring anyone down with my lousy mood so I didn’t bother blogging. With this blog prominently being about gaming I didn’t really have much to say at the time. At times I did, but I just didn’t know how when my feelings were all a jumbled mess.

but things are changing both around here and somewhere else as well.

a very, very extremely long post after this cut. but, I wanted to give a full update of where in the heck I’ve been

I recently received some news the shook my whole world. one of the major events in addition to the low self-esteem I already had from my childhood though my mid-twenties was the two year relationship I had with a narcissistic man who wrecked my self image even more in the brief period of time. (someone who always “encouraged” me to change my appearance and just about everything about myself with backhanded compliments) and was unbenounced to me cheating behind my back. I was a fiance one moment and within six months I had been replaced with someone he had gotten pregnant.

I should have been able to put this behind me since it happened back when I was 25 (i’m 42 now) but between the years he would either email or pop up randomly at my family’s business to “say hello and catch up on things) he was married with children by then and I of course wanted nothing to do with him.

I have always struggled with anxiety and depression before I met him, but being with him and then after ending things having to deal with not knowing if he was going to turn up or randomly email me once in a while was stressful and I felt horrible for his wife as well. I knew that if he was doing this on occasion that there HAD to be at least somebody else that was not turning him down and I felt sick.

The last time I heard from him was before my family sold our business. he and his wife were ending things. (shocker she finally had had enough) but he had this *brilliant* idea that I was going to apparently drop everything I was doing and be a live in nanny to the children that he didn’t want to have with me. yeah, he not only wanted to hurt his wife he suggested something that was a twisted knife in the gut for me as well. and he asked with such a calm carefree look on his face like he hadn’t said the most terrifying thing I had ever heard in my life.

I looked at him, opened my mouth to respond and this series of “no’s started pouring out of my mouth. “no, no no, oh, no. no, no, no, no” He looked at me in shock, and I was even kind of shocked. and i’m like,. “ uh, sorry, but I can’t do anything like that. do you understand that what we had was an abusive relationship? I am having problems standing next to you right now. you’re constant negative opinion and criticism of me still causes emotional scarring to this day. there is no way I can go back to that kind of situation again. “

well, since that day I’ve never heard from him again. he was moving to another state. my family and I had soon after that sold our business and moved within the same city, but out of town onto our own property. I had put my facebook on private so that only people on my friendslist could see my profile and with my agoraphobia acting up I don’t really leave my house all that much so running into him was not going to be an issue.

as some of you know and have played many games over those 4 years. I was working on a master’s degree when I first started this blog and FINISHED IT! woo hoo! for the first time in my life I finally started to get real professional help about my mental health and I was finally diagnosed with the conditions that I have always suffered from. I have now been on proper medication for two years now and I feel much better. (I’d rather be ON my medication when I go through a rough period like I have recently then what I struggled with most of my life)

but in the midst of all of this I was always worried about doing too much online because I was afraid of attracting attention from him. I was on here sharing my gaming experiances and my playthroughs with photos and it had crossed my mind a time or two that it would be fun to do it on youtube, but anytime I thought of it I’d be frightened out of it by the thought of my phone ringing again.

well, at the beginning of the month I received a very surprising email. It was from his wife who I noticed was still using his last name. She had told me that she was looking through some things and due to her own emotional response to whatever she found..she thought of me and wanted to know how I was doing.

so, I replied that I was very shaky because I never thought that I’d here from her or him ever again. and she said well you do know he’s no longer here it’s just me and the boys now.

and I was like, yeah. I knew you guys were not together anymore. and then she sent me the most shocking story I will probably ever receive in my life. the reason she left him is because apparently he had upped his abusiveness after me and it finally became physical. they had 3 kids together. she was not only worried for herself but her kids as well. when he beat her she finally left. the cheating was bad enough, but she endured that for the sake of the kids, but she put the safety of them ahead of everything when he turned violent. On top of that. he came to see me and I let him know that OUR relationship was also an abusive one as well because verbal and emotional abuse is still abuse. when I left that relationship behind I had always recollected that if he would have hit me I would have recognized it as abuse. I shiver at the thought of how lucky I was to get out of that, but I, just as I told her, in no way at all feel good about her having to suffer after me. and she was with him for much much longer. I recognized that with her as we communicated for a bit.

but there’s more. sadly, when he was confronted with the story’s back to back of how much he was an abusive asshole, he drank more alcohol than he probably ever had in his entire life at that point and shot himself.

There really were things about the guy that are admirable. I wouldn’t have dated him for two years if I didn’t see that and she wouldn’t have been married to him if she hadn’t seen it as well. we both said the same thing. what we mourned the most was that we both saw the same great potential he had because he was truly brilliant.

but the thing is, i’m not going to sit here and wax poetically over a guy that abused me (and his wife) and then practically stalked me (or at least made me feel that way) because I NEVER knew when he was going to contact me. especially because his wife sweetly asked me not to contact him.

the only time I did (and she was aware of it) is that I got the best part of our ended relationship. our dog. Max was such a great dog. When he finally passed away since Max was originally his dog I thought it was appropriate to let him know. My mom and I had sighed with relief at the time because as sad as we were we had thought that the last link between the two of us would be gone and he’d leave me alone.

I was in a mixed state of emotions for the first week that I heard the news. sadness, hurt, loss, pain, but over all of that was this overwhelming sense of relief. I will never be ok that he committed suicide. when I said I wanted him out of my life I never believed it would be this way. I’m crying again at the thought. so don’t misunderstand when I say I feel relief.

I always had this creeping feeling. like someone was always hovering over my shoulder. watching everything I type and If I became too visible with what I was doing I kept thinking...well... I’m trying to be open with the gaming community..but... on my about me page I’ve added my link to my origin, steam even my flight rising account. what am I going to do if he starts his shit again? and there is no way in hell I could do youtube no matter how much I think it would be fun and no matter how much think talking out loud would be good for my mental and emotional health.

yes, this is a long rambling post not only to update you on some horrible news, but to also let you all know that in the upcoming months I am indeed going to start what I had been wanting to do for many years now.

I sure hope your still here because this is the big news!

I’m going to have a youtube channel that’s called the same thing as my blog Verly’s Gaming Life. The idea for the channel is that it is partly about my obsession with video games and how that balances out my GAD (generalized Anxiety Disorder, Dysthymia, and Agoraphobia.

I’m only going to play games that I have completed and love. There is no way I can do a first reaction video (not good for my anxiety) I am also a completionist gamer because it is one of the only situations in my life that I can control. it’s really one of the reasons that I love gaming in general. I can finally control something in my life. This is also why I never get too deeply involved within the game. like I get attached to the story hardcore, but I never become the character. I also make sure to keep an emotional distance from romantic characters in games.

I feel that people online seem to get, like, seriously overly attached to fictional characters. (and I say this with Penny and Thane still headlining my blog) they headline my blog because I’ve yet to find a story, that has captivated my heart like those too. but even so, I know that Thane was not a real person. I knew when people were going crazy online about the ending and I had to step away from BSN leaving some of my close personal friends behind while they were having a very very difficult time. I felt so tremendously bad for them, but I emotionally couldn’t do that.

with my anxiety, depression, and agoraphobia, I just couldn’t be more than painfully sad that my favorite character had died in a video game and than I added that painfulness to my story of how Penny would handle that. I won’t get into it because It’s not my story to tell, but there was a real important reason I personally wanted Penny to go into a relationship with Thane with her eyes open understanding that he didn’t have long to live and accepting that from the moment they started their relationship. that they cherished each day as they came and she tried to live like a drell so they could stay in her memories. That’s the story I wanted.

This is what I mean. I guess, when someone has a life living with mental illness we see the world in a different way and I want to share that experience with others.

Two days a week (monday and tuesday probably) I’m going to be playing my favorite rpgs (you all know what those are. lol) I’m going to start with the Mass Effect Trilogy and yes, I’m going to be playing Penny’s story.

on thursday and friday (casual friday) I plan to play my favorite visual novels and casual games that I’ve discovered over the past couple years. I really hope you check those out as well. Some have some amazingly deep stories and some are just cute. some of these games are just as involving and long as the rpgs are with stat raising, romances, an amazing female protagonist, some have complete voice acting (except for the MC which will be voiced by me anyway) and others do not. I even played one that had a base for the character, but let the person change the skin, eye and hair color of her. I thought that was pretty cool.

but in the midst of all of this on windsay I plan to upload, I guess a personal/progress diary of my mental/emotional health. because video games really are a huge part of my life the games I play can sometimes trigger an emotional response out of me. it might even trigger a painful memory. I might mention it while i’m filming that particular game of course, but I’ll be alaborating my feelings and how i’m doing on my weekly updates.

This is also a chance for my family and friends that don’t really understand me, heck, some of them haven’t even seen me in a long time because I’m so closed off in my room at times. I’m hoping the channel by me having to face a camera (yep, i’ve decided if i’m going to do this I might as well go all the way) will help me confront some of the issues I know I have get better.

no, I don’t plan to “make it big” this is really about my mental health. I no longer have the reason I was avoiding it to hold me back anymore. as sad as that reason is.

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chierushi · 4 years

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Life in the Time of Corona

Good and Bad

Tomorrow, most of Luzon will transition to general community quarantine, which means half of the population will ‘try’ to implement the new normal. There will be limits but basically, in the midst of the rising cases, everything essential for survival will gradually open and operate. People, or most of us, have now moved on from fearing the virus to their bills piling up.

For me, as of this writing, I am still out of work, which has bummed me out the entire weekend. Even though I’m still able to afford this kind of setting, money isn’t forever. Hopefully for the next few days, I’d get back on track and face life head on. Nothing’s gonna change anyway if I’d keep on sulking about it.

With that, I thought I should compare my life then and today, and make a list:

Things I have to struggle with very much these days:

It’s currently dry season here in the Philippines so the heat is more intense than usual. Beside enduring the high temperature, my acne’s been acting since March and it continues today. I haven’t experienced this since college. It kind of makes me think how guys from my teenage years liked me even without a clear face.

I’m out of job. Even if I’m allowed to work at home, I would still spend a hefty sum of money to adapt. There are software requirements on my laptop that I have to purchase, not to mention the spike on my electric bill. It’s also possible that the amount of work hours will be lessened.

Stocks, obviously, went down. I wasn’t able to pull mine before the lockdown since I have no laptop back then. I haven’t had the strength to manage my losses.

I can’t see my friends for God knows how long. I shouldn’t have rejected them during those times they asked me to hangout.

Dine-in won’t be allowed for now, so those Starbucks breakfast daily before I go to work won’t be possible anymore.

After two months of being absent on online small groups, it is only recently that I joined. Even with close friends, I’m not fond with video calls. There are things I have to start getting used to, I figured, and this is one of them. To be fair, I find it amusing since then, mostly because I have a reason to put make up on, and feel beautiful again.

Things I’m grateful I have the privilege of having and experiencing:

Simply going out without fear of the virus.

The long hours in traffic sounds terrible for many, but for me, it gave me time to slow down, listen to podcasts, and reflect on the day. The traffic here have been so bad for so long that I thought it to be the norm and made it zen, at least for me.

Buffets! I love food and eating out with friends. My last buffet was on my birthday with buddies from high school.

I don’t know if this counts, but I guess I have to wait for another random long drives that’s completely safe like before. Thank God I have friends with cars!

The bustling outside at night. The stillness of the lights. The sound of the cars passing by. The roads, wet or dry, that awaits either footsteps, or wheels, or simply the light of the moon and stars above. The people that are having a good time after a long day at work inside every diner. Lonely souls trying to forget the things that hurt them by drinking or singing or eating.

Game nights! Though we just had a phase with some couple of friends but still, I’d love to do it again.

I miss waking up at three in the morning and preparing for work, then sleeping all the way to our destination, then at the end of the day, sleeping again all the way back home. We have to wake up that early since we live in the province, and being on the road when the sun is already out means we are going to get stuck in traffic. I rarely see the sun out whenever I go to work or go home.

Things I hate from before that has now ceased to exist:

This is controversial. I’m still having a hard time adjusting to my new church, now more with being in tech ministry. I always get headaches or chest pains before I arrive at church. I still get anxious, so the thing with the online services somehow made things lighter. Don’t get me wrong. I miss the personal interactions, but I have to say, considering my anxiety, I’m grateful with this temporary setup.

Living and working far from some friends then hanging out to where they are had been an effort most of the time. Now that non-essential travels are prohibited, I don’t have to do that anymore.

I don’t have to stress about physical looks since nobody’s going to see me anyway.

The jealousy we get from people who gets to travel to places are now significantly reduced since there are no travels these days.

With everything being provided easily and having the means to purchase it blurred the line between wants and needs. I thought I needed that serene place at Starbucks with morning coffee every day to do my devotion. I love the idea but I hate the cost of it. Now, an instant coffee and bread from local bakery feels just as good. It helps that I have no source of income; all those cravings are gone.

Things that has been going alright because of the present crisis:

The need for technology has been on the rise. Everyone has been moving to cashless and online transactions to do business to limit face-to-face interaction. It was a short prayer back then, being a techno-savvy that I am.

Speaking of answered prayers, the reason why I kept declining my friends’ hangout invites was because I wanted more time to stay in our new home. Well, God has given me, now more than two months, of staying here.

I had time to fix and design my blog and publish all pending posts.

I have almost finished all the comic books I’ve bought; only one more left. I also got back into reading other books. Presently, I haven’t had the time (and the mood) to return.

I’m back to learning languages! I’ve been learning Japanese and French for the past few weeks, though I’m rethinking on Japanese since kanji is really hard to study. Basically, I’ve been learning a lot of stuff these days, Greek mythology and US History to name a few.

I have the complete freedom to sleep whenever I want. I’m the one who pays our electric bill, so I can watch TV or use the laptop anytime. Because of this, I have finished and re-watched many favorite TV shows.

Unlimited and fast internet access in my own home every day. Also why I prefer staying at home before instead of going out.

I don’t know what is to come next, and honestly, I fear that I won’t make it mentally. Remembering the good stuff and praying instead of worrying put things in the right perspective. God is still good and loving. He is still faithful. He still reigns. Weeks ago, when I noticed that my wants are not being given, I figured maybe my life today isn’t meant to be fixed, but endured. (There has been a lot of injustices going on recently; that is not what I’m talking about).

Again, we do not know what’s ahead. These are trying times. I rest in the fact that we have God and we have each other. May we get through life together.

#lifeinthetimeofcorona #covid #covid19 #ncov #novelcoronavirus #coronavirus #pandemic

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advancedthetapractitioner · 5 years

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TGIWednesday... and get ready for Mercury retrograde!

TGIWednesday News

Yes it’s July, and YES it’s hot somewhere between OMG and WTF! And to top off that S-show it’s Mercury Retrograde. So if folks were supposed to meet you at 12noon and they went to the Starbucks across town and not the one you're at, you’ll at least know why. They say it’s not a good time to start something big, shiny and new, BUT (as I pointed to my butt) you can FINISH things during retrograde. So keep that in mind. Could be legal issues, a final surgery or project. Dates of this time include July 7th through the 31st. https://astrologyking.com/mercury-retrograde-july-2019/ It is when the planet of communications, Mercury, appears to be orbiting in reverse. So half texts or missed important calls, dropped calls, wrong emails etc., are not uncommon. Keep the faith and fish out WHATEVER is bothering you regardless of the planets and know that you do have a magic wand in using the process of My Liquid Fish® Change made simple® Also for our Florida friends if your eyes, nose, ears and throat are bothering you more than usual, there was a Sahara dust cloud that passed over the state of Florida a week ago (you can’t make this stuff up/google it). So since we’re not used to scorpion or camel droppings, imagine breathing in Sahara desert air!? Ugh……..clear yourself for this or reach out and I will do it with you [email protected] Oh and if you’re already on My Daily Prayer services it’s already included for free. ON DECK..... the audio mp3 "MyBeliefWorks™ for Restoring The Fountain of Youth" has been recorded and it's the longest one yet - here's what an early listener had to say: “Vitality is a word we see in articles and on products but it usually feels abstract or unattainable. What’s remarkable about this download is that after listening to it, the definition of vitality felt more realistic, more incorporated, more in the now. It made me realize that true vitality is actually equal parts energy AND calmness, the combination of youthful zest and the peace of maturity…best of both worlds! Thanks Jimmy!" - B.B. / Los Angeles

Also in progress... "Financial Windfall" which will be the 4th in a series on money and increasing your wealth, attracting abundance.

TGIWednesday Download

~ DISCERNMENT & DIRECTION ~ It is safe and comfortable to have discernment and direction in my life here and now. I know when, where, how and why with spirits guiding hand to know where to go and when to start. I am ready willing and able to have spirit show me the simple way. I believe, think, know and feel that the way shower of spirit will hold the lantern lighting my path and leading the way.I am asking for this in all languages and throughout all time lines and so it is.

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Today July 3rd at 3pm EDT will be doing my monthly show on Spiritual Insights Radio with host Charlotte Spicer. We'll be taking callers for free readings! Call (347)-934-0751 or Listen here online JULY 8th at 6pm EDT - THE DR. SARAH SHOW Tune in Monday, July 8th at 6pm EDT, for an episode of the Dr. Sarah Let’s Talk About It! Blog Talk Radio Show where we will be talking about getting clear and BEing clear of energies that may be blocking you from living your life fully. Listen here online WED. JULY 10th at 5pm EDT - THE TRANSFORMATION SHOW I'm honored to be participating during this new season or The Transformation Show TeleSummit with Durva Ghandi. I'll be taking LIVE callers and talking about and doing clearings for "Accelerating the Speed of Change with My Liquid Fish" on Wednesday July 10th at 5pm EDT/ 2pm PDT BONUS! Register at no cost and immediately get access to these amazing bonuses of incredible energy gifts from world-famous energy workers:

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I'm thrilled to add my name to the list of speakers this year so be sure to mark your calendars and join us, it's free! There should be a replay if you can't join us live but you need to sign up! >>Sign up here Every Tuesday at 9pm EDT - JIMMY MACK HEALING SHOW

Join me and my guests weekly on Tuesdays at 9pm ET/ 6pm PT Call in LIVE (713)-955-0594 It's your chance to get FREE intuitive messages on my weekly radio show. My guests are some of the best psychic readers & intuitive healers on the planet! Tune in every Tuesday night LIVE or just catch the replay & YOU will receive changes & healings just by listening!

To listen online, click the date links below. Listen to yesterday's replay – Psychic Joanne Leo Angel cards, numerology, astrology, and readings from the heart! Listen here July 9th – Jeremy Riden Life Coaching, inspirational speaker and an intuitive https://www.facebook.com/JeremyRiden Listen here July 16th – Maria Martinez Intuitive and an expert in increasing good fortune https://www.360prosperity.com/about-maria.html Listen here July 23rd – Ayla Murray NOTE: This is Jimmy's 150th Episode on Goldylocks Productions! Psychic, astrologer, and teacher of the two. https://www.themagickorchard.com Listen here July 30th – Rev Debbie Dienstbier Transmedium, communications with your loved ones in spirit. Profound messages from an experienced psychic medium and healer. Visit Facebook page

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From the Fish Box

"Hi Jimmy, How are you? I had my session with you about one month ago now and I want to let you know how I am doing. My goiter did not shrink so far, but I guess that will take more time. The pain that I felt before is less though. I am taking the black seed oil you advised me. My throat is still bothering me: Sleeping is getting better fortunately! The digestive supplements you advised me to take are working well! Neck: you told me my C2 was out of alignment: I had 6 session with a chiropractor and the pain is much less! Thanks a lot. Blessings"- H.S. / Netherlands

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Abundance Abuse Addiction Body Scan: Head to Toe Daily GPS Reset Dark Energies/Fears Decision Making Diet & Exercise Education & Learning Family & Relatives The Gold Coin Healing Physical Body Healing Mental Stress Holiday Stress

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majimfanfics · 7 years

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MAJIM One Shots - The Multiverse Theory

A one-shot based on @majimforever's short fiction. To all the Majim shippers - our ship's not dead.

"So I just got off the phone and the flowers are all okay now, just had a last minute issue with the suppliers but they got that all straightened out," says Melissa.

Jim was staring out the window of his New York apartment, deep in thought. He didn't hear a word that his bestfriend just said. He was still unsure about telling Mayim of his important announcement. This is a big deal for the both of them and he knows telling her will not be easy.

"... and then Beth finally confirmed that they're coming so I can close the final guest list unless you have some last minute changes?" She looks up from her iPad and realized that Jim wasn't even listening. She walked to where he was and looked out the streets of Gramercy Park.

Jim notices and looks at her with furrowed brows when he was met with her raised eyebrows. "What?" he asks.

"Your mind's not even here. I was asking about the guest list. Anyone else you want to add?" she asks him.

He looks down on his phone. He pushes the power button to check on the time. She should be in Manhattan by now...

"Yeah... let me just make a few phone calls and I'll get back with you." he answers.

"Alright, well I'm heading out for lunch with Ken. Want to go or do you want to wait for Todd?"

"I think I'll stay in. Thank you, though." says Jim.

With a hug from Melissa, he was finally alone in his apartment. He went to their study and sat behind his desk. Looking at his phone again, he noticed a notification. Mayim was live on Instagram. He quickly opened the app to to watch.

A smile quickly brightened up his features. She looked radiant - her dress makes her look like an angel. She was telling people how much makeup she had on and he couldn't help but frown at her dismissal of her fans' compliments. Without realizing it, he started to type the words, 'You look very very pretty' and posted the comment.

He blinks once, twice, a few more times when he realized what he just posted. He waited for her to notice, but with the constant comments coming in, she never did. The live video ended and he placed his phone on the study table. "She looks like she's having a nice day..."

Even when he said the words, he knows that he wants her there. How he wished Melissa never told him about Mayim's feelings. Granted, their co-star only revealed it accidentally, but still - he wished he didn't know.

He decided to call her later that night. When the day is done. She still has a lot on her plate for him to interrupt her thoughts.

Mayim just started getting comfortable in her hotel bed when her phone rang. Reaching for it, he noticed who was calling and smiled.

"Finally! I've been waiting for you to call me since I got here," she rushes answering the call.

"Hey. Yeah, I'm sorry. I've been busy too. How are you?"

" A little tired, but I'm having so much fun, so that balances it quite nicely. And you?"

"I'm doing great. Thank you..." Silence followed his words. He needs to tell her.

"So when are we having dinner? I can only do evenings this week since I still have a few guestings."

"Yeah... I don't think that's possible anytime soon. Listen, there's something I need to tell you."

"Okay, go ahead." She tried to play it cool even though she felt like her heart wanted to jump out of her chest. Which was irrational since she had no idea what this was about. But the tone of his voice...

The silence that followed was defeaning. Mayim broke it by asking him what's going on.

"I'm getting married this Saturday. Todd and I are getting married." Jim said, point-blank.

Mayim was shocked. Her mouth was agape and for a second she didn't know how to respond. She quickly recovers and managed to get a few words out. "Co- congratulations! Oh my goodness, that's - that's great news! When? How did this -"

"We just - I just decided after we filmed the finale. I wanted to keep it from Todd till everything was sorted out and when I told him, he was so happy and I was happy and... This just feels right. He deserves this." Jim explains, interrupting her.

She was trying to blink back the tears and keep her voice from sounding like she was choking. "That's great. Again, congratulations," was all that she could say.

"Will you be there? We would greatly appreciate it."

"Of course. Yeah... Jim, I should go. I think Heather wants to discuss something about tomorrow's schedule," she lies.

"Mayim,"

"Jim,"

"Okay. I'll send you an email about the details. Good night." Jim disconnects the call.

He knows... Of course he knew. Was it that obvious? But why was he so hesitant to tell her? Was he being considerate of my feelings or... She shakes her head. She's not going to that place. She's been burned one, too many times. He obviously doesn't share the same feelings. Otherwise he wouldn't be marrying another person. She laid her head on the pillow and turned off the light. The bustling traffic is muffled and the city lights glimmer through the window of her room. In the city that never sleeps, a sad soul was lulled into unconsciousness by her tears.

The venue looked incredible - no doubt a work of Jim's friend. The flowers and the arch under which the couple will stand under in a few minutes was the best one she's seen. Out of all the weddings she's been to, that certainly made the number one spot.

Mayim didn't know how she managed to even get up at all, today. While this event will probably change a lot between him and Jim, she couldn't be any happier that her friends are finally taking this step. It's been a long time coming and if she were being honest, she knew that it was only a matter of time. Like all other times, she needs to and will be there to support Jim and Todd.

"Mayim!" A familiar voice came from somewhere in the crowd and she looks in time to see Simon walking towards her.

"Simon! Hi," exchanging a hug and peck on the lips, Simon and Mayim quickly jumped into discussion about the wedding and her book tour. Shortly after, the guests were ushered in to the room for the wedding.

The music played, signalling the start of the procession of the grooms. When Jim came in, Mayim couldn't help but admire how handsome he looked - how radiant his face was. Happiness. It was etched on his face. Her eyes moistened and took a deep breath. When he was about to pass by their row, Jim caught her eyes and he nodded with a solemn smile. She did too. She will not let her own feelings ruin this for her or for Jim. This was a special day, for a very special person in her life.

The ceremony went by, the reception program commenced - everything about the wedding was beautiful. The couple looked every bit as happy as all newlyweds should. From her table, Mayim was watching Jim dance with his sister. They were whispering and making each other laugh.

The evening went by quickly and before everyone knew, it was coming to a close. Jim hasn't seen a Mayim all night and wanted to thank her for coming - that and he wanted to see how she was. He looked around and saw her exiting the room.

"Excuse me for a moment," he tells Todd and a few other guests. Jim made his way through the crowd and dodged a few well-wishers to follow Mayim out in the balcony. When he was finally outside, he spotted her at the very end of the walkway. She was just admiring the view with one drink in her hand. He makes his way towards her and she looks up to see him, looking at her with a blank expression. They stood side-by-side, looking at the New York skyline, not saying a word for a while.

"Lovely wedding. Everything was beautiful about today. Including you and Todd. You both look great," she says, looking up at him. He, in return, looks down and gives her a smile.

"Thank you. And really, thank you so much for being here today." Jim tells her.

"Of course. I'm really happy for you. You both are dear friends of mine. I wouldn't miss this for the world," she responds with teary eyes.

"Mayim, I - " he starts. He wanted to tell her so much, but he cuts him off.

"I just need to know one thing. How long have you known?" Mayim asks.

Jim looks at her. She was back to admiring the lights in front of her. He knows what she means. He knows what she was asking. He may have found out by accident, but she deserves to know."

"A couple of year," Jim tells her.

She nodded. The tears she was trying to hold back just rolled down her cheeks and Jim hugs her. She allowed the tears to fall down - to let it all out. They were silent tears and it broke Jim's heart to see her like this. She may be tough most of the time, but there are times when even the strongest, let their guards down. He just never imagined he'd be the cause of her pain.

"You know I feel like I need to apologize to every host or media correspondent who asked me if I ever learned any Physics. I lied. There's one that actually stuck with me," Jim says, rubbing her arms, while his head rests on hers.

"What's that?"

"That theory about multiple universe existing along with this one that we're living in."

"Why do you think it stuck with you?" she asks, dabbing her eyes with a napkin.

He looks away, up at the sky and back at her before answering. "Because I believe that a universe exists where we are together - in that universe, I am yours and none of these complications exist," looking away, he writes Mayim on the glass panel in front of them. "In all other lifetimes, in any other world where there's you and me - we belong together." As he said those words, tears fell from his eyes.

They held each other for a little while longer. They knew they would have to come back inside to face their friends and for Mayim to congratulate Todd too. But they stayed in that moment for as long as they could. One last time before they come back to reality, one last hug filled with honesty before they embrace what this universe they're in, holds for them.

At least they both believe that somewhere, out there, a place where they can be more than just friends, exist. That was enough for Mayim.

#majimfanfics #majim #mayim bialik #Jim Parsons

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thedivinefish · 5 years

Text

TGIWednesday... and a download for experiencing a new level of Joy!

TGIWednesday News

Mother's Day is coming up this weekend and I always think of my mother fondly as she has always been one that radiates pure joy and love to everyone. We've adopted a pink color this month for the e-newsletter in honor of all the mothers and Mother Earth in general. It's all sheer goddess energy that's about compassion and loving-kindness.... so remember that always whether you have or had the greatest mother ever or never knew your mother .....think of Mother Earth and the goddess energy as replenishing everyone and everything always. Coming up tomorrow is a cool radio interview called Quantum Conversations w/host Lauren Galey if you want to tune in click here. It��s free of course like so much of our stuff. Someone once said, “find what you love and give it away” and we sure do a lot of that! But I honestly want you to experience how FAST change can be for you and your loved ones. Whether its a body issue, mental health, work, job, career or other. I can work with you or you can learn how to work on and about yourself. Know that I am here as a way-shower and resource to and for you. One love! And it's also the final week of our Abundance Audio MP3 launch and if you haven’t scooped this one up, by all means, get it asap while you can still save 25% off the regular price. The Being in Divine Flow with Universal Abundance audio is part of a series focusing on Prosperity, money and increasing your good fortune. This particular MP3 has been simmering for over a year and goes deep to combine your abilities to create wealth while still keeping you grounded on this earth plane. I believe it can make a difference in your life and that’s why I pour so much of myself and spirit into co-creating these tools for you. "Just letting you know that since I purchased the new abundance mp3, I have been listening to it most days, a few times a day. The second day I cleaned out my wallet and found a few old lottery tickets (megamillions and powerball). I checked them at the gas station and one of them was a twelve dollar winner. First time in a long time that I have won anything on them, and they were all a few weeks old. Then this morning I switched purses and as I was moving stuff from the purse I have been using for a few months to another, I did a quick sweep of one of the inner pockets looking for anything important, and I felt paper. I pulled it out and it was money, a little under $300. I had no idea it was even in there even though I have been using that purse since before Christmas.... Lol.. Thank You! ~ P. M.

MyBeliefWorks™ for Being in Divine Flow with Universal Abundance

Living Life Abundantly and Co-creating with Universal Support Download over 200 written clearings on PDF and when you open it, the MP3 audio link will be at top of the page to instantly listen & download 40 minutes of audio clearings.

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Get all 3 now for just $136

TGIWednesday Download

~ EXPERIENCING A NEW LEVEL OF JOY ~ I am surpassing love to the level of joy and I am asking spirit to download the vibration of this for you as well. I believe, think, know and feel that joy can be achieved and sustained. I am ready, willing and able to experience new levels of joy. I know when, where, how and why to accept more joy in my life and share it with others now through services of Love and understanding and so it is throughout all lifetimes, languages and more.

FREE Weekly LIVE Healings and Messages

May 9th - QUANTUM CONVERSATIONS with Lauren Galey You’re invited to join me in a Quantum Conversation to discuss how you can Stand in your Mastery and Find your Power through living in the Heart with Divine Love, Activating Christ Consciousness and raising the vibration of the planet. This series of Quantum Conversations is designed to EMPOWER & ENLIGHTEN you in your remembrance of your true mastery and your Divine Purpose for being here on this planet. Tune in on May 9th at 6pm ET/3pm PT Register here for this Free Series

Every Tuesday at 9pm EST - JIMMY MACK HEALING SHOW Join me and my guests weekly on Tuesdays at 9pm ET/ 6pm PT Call in LIVE (713)-955-0594 It's your chance to get FREE intuitive messages on my weekly radio show. My guests are some of the best psychic readers & intuitive healers on the planet! Tune in every Tuesday night LIVE or just catch the replay & YOU will receive changes & healings just by listening! Check out TheJimmyMackHealingShow.com for a full listing & all replays!

To listen online, click the date links below. Listen here to yesterday's replay Joanne Psychic Leo --------------- May 14 - Listen here Greg Joseph Intuitive and Spirit filled healings http://www.gregjoseph.com/ May 21 - Listen here Gosia Lorenz Living your best life now, infinite possibilities and awareness changes https://gosialorenz.com/ May 28 - Listen here Rev Debbie Dienstbier Trans medium, communication and messages with your loved ones in spirit https://www.facebook.com/Wings-of-Grace-Spiritual-Center-875388225837766/

Check out TheJimmyMackHealingShow.com for a full listing & all replays!

Go deep sea "fishing" with Jimmy!

Level 1 is open to ANYONE at anytime!

"I have found this to be a great modality. I have for the first time got my husband and kids fishing daily. I've learned Emotion Code, Body Code, dowsing, 3 levels of Yuen and some other bits and bobs I've played with. I like how easy this is to take on the road. I really appreciate your time and brilliance. Thank you." - D.T. / Kansas

The Certificate of Mastery Program includes 2 best-selling ebooks and 2 clearing audios plus written & video instructions, AND one-on-one time with Jimmy ALL for about the cost of a single 1-hr session! This online course is for anyone who is familiar with OR new to "fishing" and is ready to dive into the deep end & get results that are beyond the ordinary! It includes "The Tackle Box" & "Spiritual Healing Techniques" ebooks PLUS 2 MP3s "Clearing Dark Energies" & "Increasing Your Intuition" to help clear, strengthen and prepare your energy field for optimal “fishing” results. This is a work-at-your-own-pace curriculum that will TEACH & CLEAR you at the same time! In under 2wks you will be finished with the program and ready to fish on your own with greater results! Level II offers Practitioner Certification for those who qualify.

LEARN MORE HERE

Receive 24/7 Daily Prayers From Jimmy

Choose 7 days @$33 Choose 14 days @$66 Choose 30 days @$99

Live In-Person Appearances

LIVE AT KODAWARI YOGA STUDIOS TAMPA

We've made some changes to the Kodawari schedule and I am now there in person EVERY FRIDAY scheduling 15 and 30 minute appointments. Call Kodawari's front desk directly to schedule (813) 773-4017 and pay at the concierge desk... 15 minutes 33$ or 30 minutes 65$. UPCOMING SCHEDULE 10-2pm: Friday: May 10th, 17th, 24th, 31st

3965 Henderson Blvd Suite C Tampa (813) 773-4017 http://www.kodawariyoga.com/

From the Fish Box

"Hi Jimmy! Your 30 days of Daily Prayers has definitely helped us all in sooooo many ways! The attacks aren't as powerful and everyone seems on an even keel. Life is good. I'm renewing right NOW!! (All of us - the same house.) Thank you very much!!!!" Sincerely, Julie

Fish Food

The Daily Bread To Feed The Fish

Tell The Fish: 365 Daily Inspirations & Affirmations

MAY 8th - "God I need strength today. I need friends that will pull me up and who will walk with me in victory when I least expect it. Today I will find prizes and surprises around the next corner. Today I will build up my inner child and develop courage to reach my goals."

**Can't See The Full Email? Click Here to View Online**

For those who aren't familiar, here's the list of ALL clearing MP3s available. Find a topic that addresses your issue(s) & click on the link to read more. We had a lot of help downloading and channeling these over the years & they keep getting better.

Increasing Intuition IRS & Tax Time Love & Romance Money Mindset Moving Forward Pain Relief Pet Healing Sales & Success Sex Sleep Traveling w/Ease Work & Career Weight Loss

TGIFunny

Forward

Jimmy Mack 727.678.0557 EST | Appointments Skype: Jimmy.Mack55 Clearwater Florida USA Book a 15 minute session Book a 30 minute session Book a 60 minute session Transformational Healing of Body, Mind & Spirit, People, Places, Pets & Situations! Download the My Liquid Fish® Starter Kit Audio MP3 Downloads and books to improve your life! Get Certified in My Liquid Fish® Change Made Simple® Watch Free Videos on YouTube Weekly Radio Show Archives Shop for Supplements http://www.jimmymackhealingshop.com www.jimmymackhealing.com Copyright ©1998-2019 All Rights Reserved

-------------------------------------------------- TGIW newsletter managed by: Sandy Bidinger | Digital Marketing Specialist | SMBeConnected Solutions Digital Marketing Solutions & Support for Conscious Entrepreneurs www.smbeconnected.com

Stay connected!

Our mailing address is: Clearwater Florida 33756 USA

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divinefishingtips · 5 years

Text

TGIWednesday... and a download for experiencing a new level of Joy!

TGIWednesday News

Mother's Day is coming up this weekend and I always think of my mother fondly as she has always been one that radiates pure joy and love to everyone. We've adopted a pink color this month for the e-newsletter in honor of all the mothers and Mother Earth in general. It's all sheer goddess energy that's about compassion and loving-kindness.... so remember that always whether you have or had the greatest mother ever or never knew your mother .....think of Mother Earth and the goddess energy as replenishing everyone and everything always. Coming up tomorrow is a cool radio interview called Quantum Conversations w/host Lauren Galey if you want to tune in click here. It’s free of course like so much of our stuff. Someone once said, “find what you love and give it away” and we sure do a lot of that! But I honestly want you to experience how FAST change can be for you and your loved ones. Whether its a body issue, mental health, work, job, career or other. I can work with you or you can learn how to work on and about yourself. Know that I am here as a way-shower and resource to and for you. One love! And it's also the final week of our Abundance Audio MP3 launch and if you haven’t scooped this one up, by all means, get it asap while you can still save 25% off the regular price. The Being in Divine Flow with Universal Abundance audio is part of a series focusing on Prosperity, money and increasing your good fortune. This particular MP3 has been simmering for over a year and goes deep to combine your abilities to create wealth while still keeping you grounded on this earth plane. I believe it can make a difference in your life and that’s why I pour so much of myself and spirit into co-creating these tools for you. "Just letting you know that since I purchased the new abundance mp3, I have been listening to it most days, a few times a day. The second day I cleaned out my wallet and found a few old lottery tickets (megamillions and powerball). I checked them at the gas station and one of them was a twelve dollar winner. First time in a long time that I have won anything on them, and they were all a few weeks old. Then this morning I switched purses and as I was moving stuff from the purse I have been using for a few months to another, I did a quick sweep of one of the inner pockets looking for anything important, and I felt paper. I pulled it out and it was money, a little under $300. I had no idea it was even in there even though I have been using that purse since before Christmas.... Lol.. Thank You! ~ P. M.

MyBeliefWorks™ for Being in Divine Flow with Universal Abundance

Last Chance to get at $44

When this sale ends at Midnight Pacific on Friday, it won't be priced this low again.

Get all 3 now for just $136

TGIWednesday Download

FREE Weekly LIVE Healings and Messages

Check out TheJimmyMackHealingShow.com for a full listing & all replays!

Go deep sea "fishing" with Jimmy!

Level 1 is open to ANYONE at anytime!

The Certificate of Mastery Program includes 2 best-selling ebooks and 2 clearing audios plus written & video instructions, AND one-on-one time with Jimmy ALL for about the cost of a single 1-hr session! This online course is for anyone who is familiar with OR new to "fishing" and is ready to dive into the deep end & get results that are beyond the ordinary! It includes "The Tackle Box" & "Spiritual Healing Techniques" ebooks PLUS 2 MP3s "Clearing Dark Energies" & "Increasing Your Intuition" to help clear, strengthen and prepare your energy field for optimal “fishing” results. This is a work-at-your-own-pace curriculum that will TEACH & CLEAR you at the same time! In under 2wks you will be finished with the program and ready to fish on your own with greater results! Level II offers Practitioner Certification for those who qualify.

LEARN MORE HERE

Receive 24/7 Daily Prayers From Jimmy

Choose 7 days @$33 Choose 14 days @$66 Choose 30 days @$99

Live In-Person Appearances

LIVE AT KODAWARI YOGA STUDIOS TAMPA

3965 Henderson Blvd Suite C Tampa (813) 773-4017 http://www.kodawariyoga.com/

From the Fish Box

Fish Food

The Daily Bread To Feed The Fish

Tell The Fish: 365 Daily Inspirations & Affirmations

**Can't See The Full Email? Click Here to View Online**

Increasing Intuition IRS & Tax Time Love & Romance Money Mindset Moving Forward Pain Relief Pet Healing Sales & Success Sex Sleep Traveling w/Ease Work & Career Weight Loss

TGIFunny

Forward

Jimmy Mack 727.678.0557 EST | Appointments Skype: Jimmy.Mack55 Clearwater Florida USA Book a 15 minute session Book a 30 minute session Book a 60 minute session Transformational Healing of Body, Mind & Spirit, People, Places, Pets & Situations! Download the My Liquid Fish® Starter Kit Audio MP3 Downloads and books to improve your life! Get Certified in My Liquid Fish® Change Made Simple® Watch Free Videos on YouTube Weekly Radio Show Archives Shop for Supplements http://www.jimmymackhealingshop.com www.jimmymackhealing.com Copyright ©1998-2019 All Rights Reserved

Stay connected!

Our mailing address is: Clearwater Florida 33756 USA

0 notes

365dailyaffirmations · 5 years

Text

TGIWednesday... and a download for experiencing a new level of Joy!

TGIWednesday News

Mother's Day is coming up this weekend and I always think of my mother fondly as she has always been one that radiates pure joy and love to everyone. We've adopted a pink color this month for the e-newsletter in honor of all the mothers and Mother Earth in general. It's all sheer goddess energy that's about compassion and loving-kindness.... so remember that always whether you have or had the greatest mother ever or never knew your mother .....think of Mother Earth and the goddess energy as replenishing everyone and everything always. Coming up tomorrow is a cool radio interview called Quantum Conversations w/host Lauren Galey if you want to tune in click here. It’s free of course like so much of our stuff. Someone once said, “find what you love and give it away” and we sure do a lot of that! But I honestly want you to experience how FAST change can be for you and your loved ones. Whether its a body issue, mental health, work, job, career or other. I can work with you or you can learn how to work on and about yourself. Know that I am here as a way-shower and resource to and for you. One love! And it's also the final week of our Abundance Audio MP3 launch and if you haven’t scooped this one up, by all means, get it asap while you can still save 25% off the regular price. The Being in Divine Flow with Universal Abundance audio is part of a series focusing on Prosperity, money and increasing your good fortune. This particular MP3 has been simmering for over a year and goes deep to combine your abilities to create wealth while still keeping you grounded on this earth plane. I believe it can make a difference in your life and that’s why I pour so much of myself and spirit into co-creating these tools for you. "Just letting you know that since I purchased the new abundance mp3, I have been listening to it most days, a few times a day. The second day I cleaned out my wallet and found a few old lottery tickets (megamillions and powerball). I checked them at the gas station and one of them was a twelve dollar winner. First time in a long time that I have won anything on them, and they were all a few weeks old. Then this morning I switched purses and as I was moving stuff from the purse I have been using for a few months to another, I did a quick sweep of one of the inner pockets looking for anything important, and I felt paper. I pulled it out and it was money, a little under $300. I had no idea it was even in there even though I have been using that purse since before Christmas.... Lol.. Thank You! ~ P. M.

MyBeliefWorks™ for Being in Divine Flow with Universal Abundance

Last Chance to get at $44

When this sale ends at Midnight Pacific on Friday, it won't be priced this low again.

Get all 3 now for just $136

TGIWednesday Download

FREE Weekly LIVE Healings and Messages

Check out TheJimmyMackHealingShow.com for a full listing & all replays!

Go deep sea "fishing" with Jimmy!

Level 1 is open to ANYONE at anytime!

The Certificate of Mastery Program includes 2 best-selling ebooks and 2 clearing audios plus written & video instructions, AND one-on-one time with Jimmy ALL for about the cost of a single 1-hr session! This online course is for anyone who is familiar with OR new to "fishing" and is ready to dive into the deep end & get results that are beyond the ordinary! It includes "The Tackle Box" & "Spiritual Healing Techniques" ebooks PLUS 2 MP3s "Clearing Dark Energies" & "Increasing Your Intuition" to help clear, strengthen and prepare your energy field for optimal “fishing” results. This is a work-at-your-own-pace curriculum that will TEACH & CLEAR you at the same time! In under 2wks you will be finished with the program and ready to fish on your own with greater results! Level II offers Practitioner Certification for those who qualify.

LEARN MORE HERE

Receive 24/7 Daily Prayers From Jimmy

Choose 7 days @$33 Choose 14 days @$66 Choose 30 days @$99

Live In-Person Appearances

LIVE AT KODAWARI YOGA STUDIOS TAMPA

3965 Henderson Blvd Suite C Tampa (813) 773-4017 http://www.kodawariyoga.com/

From the Fish Box

Fish Food

The Daily Bread To Feed The Fish

Tell The Fish: 365 Daily Inspirations & Affirmations

**Can't See The Full Email? Click Here to View Online**

Increasing Intuition IRS & Tax Time Love & Romance Money Mindset Moving Forward Pain Relief Pet Healing Sales & Success Sex Sleep Traveling w/Ease Work & Career Weight Loss

TGIFunny

Forward

Jimmy Mack 727.678.0557 EST | Appointments Skype: Jimmy.Mack55 Clearwater Florida USA Book a 15 minute session Book a 30 minute session Book a 60 minute session Transformational Healing of Body, Mind & Spirit, People, Places, Pets & Situations! Download the My Liquid Fish® Starter Kit Audio MP3 Downloads and books to improve your life! Get Certified in My Liquid Fish® Change Made Simple® Watch Free Videos on YouTube Weekly Radio Show Archives Shop for Supplements http://www.jimmymackhealingshop.com www.jimmymackhealing.com Copyright ©1998-2019 All Rights Reserved

Stay connected!

Our mailing address is: Clearwater Florida 33756 USA

0 notes