#I think I finally have the mental capacity to post again

[notetaeker]

Sept 14-15, 2023 ✧ Productively Challenged 45-46/50

My days pass in a blur of work. I haven’t watered my plants in a week and instead moved them outside my window so at least the clouds can water them. All of them except for the ones in water have been sent out. My mom's plants outside have taken over the view from my window and it's one of my favorite things about spring, summer and fall. It is a sight for sore eyes after spending all my time grading and lesson planning and playing games to relieve stress D:

[art3misg33k]

i see ur most recent post and obviously i have to ask abt trent

My favorite character right out the gate lets go!!

(Ok wow this got sooo long I am sorry)

Starting with my personal takes & headcanons Trent is so nonbinary to me. They give such vibes of being like “idk man I’m just existing” as well as at first thinking they just really didn’t care about gendered stuff bc society is stupid about it but then realized just how deep those feelings were. I also love just any headcanon of Trent not being cis in general. The gender queer vibes are so strong with that one. In terms of sexuality I’m really not sure? I think they’re to multiple genders but idk in what way. Bi, Pan, and Unlabeled are the ones I’m stuck between.

On a slightly more analytical note in I think in Island they are well showcased as a nice chill person but also having the capacity to stand their ground and be intimidating (that one scene with Cody).

I don’t think they’re really good with social queues and may be a bit gullible seeing how things went down with Heather. On the outside has that mysterious energy but can be a real goober when you get to know them. Insane silliness potential that was wasted in my opinion.

Crossing into the semi-headcanon but also canon implied type stuff is their neurodivergence. In TDA it’s obvious that Trent has some neurodivergent tendencies. I personally think OCD and autism. I hate the way it was handled, not because they gave Trent these traits in the first place but how they framed them as a crazy person. That treatment was definitely very damaging to Trent and most likely made them go to heavily masking, even more so than before. Being pitied so much also felt incredibly frustrating to them.

The way that Trent was launched into fame right after a messy breakup on international television definitely made things worse. They seemed like they were thriving while the band was together but in reality they were only being seen for their music and not who they really are, pointedly ignoring their neurodivergence, flaws or any wrongdoing on their part. It hurt seeing how they were treated so horribly when it came to their mental health but as soon as they started singing they were suddenly this sweet, emotional, amazing guy.

And in terms of my headcanon they were also dealing with a ton of dysphoria being seen a guy in the Drama Brothers because they were closeted. I personally think that they had only found out a couple of months before Island so they weren’t comfortable telling anybody yet. They felt like they could tell someone close like Gwen eventually but didn’t want to come out on tv so they said nothing. I think in the days between the finale and TDA Trent became afraid again not wanting to ruin things with Gwen in fear of her being upset that they wouldn’t be the cool talented boyfriend that she expected. On the Aftermath they didn’t really have anyone truly there for them only having those who pitied them or who thought they were an awful person, leaving them isolated not just about dysphoria but just their existence in general.

I do believe that between TDA and WT as well as onwards that Trent was able to build a genuine friendship with Justin, Harold, and Cody despite how messy things got with the band at times. Unintentionally they started unmasking a bit around them closer to when WT started and when they weren’t met with judgement (maybe a bit that was just genuine misunderstanding that got corrected but still) Trent was starting to more and more feel like they could be themself. (Back to more headcanony for a sec) After WT Trent came out to the three of them and was met with acceptance! From there Trent is able to progressively come out more and more from their shell and from the closet to more people!

Also hopefully patching things up and becoming friends with Gwen eventually but that’s just like a wish I have

I think I just unintentionally typed out a whole outline of what I think their life is instead of just my opinion on them in general but yeah.

Some random headcanons!!:

- (Stolen from Courtney-deserved-better) A lot of people think that Trent looks so cool and mysterious but in actuality they are usually just zoned out

- Biggest sensory issues are with sound. They’d go insane without headphones/earbuds bc the music is nice and their noise as opposed to how horribly loud life can be (Kinda projecting on this one but it makes sense for them so shhh)

- Listens to most genres but especially the ones within the general indie/alternative umbrella. A good amount of ppl think that they only listen to mainstream pop type stuff so when they’re with Trent and some darker/depressing type shit like CSH comes on from one of Trent’s playlists they are so surprised.

- Likes some of what the Drama Brothers made but a lot of their brand was pushed into them by producers and the whole band kinda hated how fake things felt at times. After WT they manage to get away from that company and the band gets a lot more creative freedom making what they want. (Also changing the band name eventually bc of Trent if we’re talking in a world with my nb headcanon. Not sure when or if Trent would publicly come out but if not before the name change then they all just make something up about rebranding)

About ships! - I personally love tons of td ships being a massive multi shipper, especially with characters that are my faves (With an exception of Raj I don’t rlly see him with anyone but Bowie). Gwent was the first ship I ever got into with Total Drama and it has a special place in my heart. It’s not my absolute favorite but I still love seeing them together and au’s where they actually work things out healthily during Action or where Action and or TD didn’t happen. I love a lot of other ones too like Trustin and Trody and a lot more! I think my favorite Trent ship may actually be Trenoah, it’s really my favorite rare pair. Ik they didn’t really interact but the POTENTIAL!! They would play off of each other so well and ahhh dude I think I’d need to make a separate post just taking about those two

And that’s the basics of my thoughts on Trent! (well maybe not the basics but trust me it’s not all that I have to say about them).

I think in the future I’ll make a post about what I think their potential backstory is bc I got carried away and didn’t rlly cover that here. @ashyjingles if you want me to @ you in that just let me know!

[the-thursday]

Hello everyone, this post was long overdue, and finally, prompted by our beloved Howls also leaving, it's time for me to rip off the bandaid as well.

I would also like to announce a sort of departure from Ranger's apprentice fandom.

I do not know how many from RA fandom era from few years back are still here but I assume mostly newer blogs keep up with this account.

Take a lil history walk with me, if you will. I joined this fandom around 2017-18. I was very active around here, posting all kinds of stuff, fics, takes, incorrect quotes, art and whatnot. I made many friends with whom I had a great time and I am happy and honoured that I am friends with some of them till this day. Fandom became the second home to me as things hadn't been exactly easy irl and maybe I fixated on it too much, but gods know I loved this place so much. And I wish for everyone to experience this happiness and just as I made friends who became a significant part of my life, I wish that for you as well. Being surrounded by amazing and wonderful people and sharing similar interests is one of the most pure joyous feelings in this world.

As 2020-2021 rolled around, some of you know that things in my life picked up a harsh pace and I started to drift away. In 2021 I left the fandom because of that and unpleasant things with one of the people here. It was one of the most gut wrenching decisions I had made.

In 2022, I started gradually getting worse, but also had the courage to come back at the end of the year. I felt happy and welcomed and I am so grateful to everyone who made it happen, who supported me and gave me another breath. My mental health kept getting worse but I wasn't alone and that has been everything to me.

Now it's about a little more than a year since I've been back and again, I've met wonderful amazing people who I am happy and honoured to call friends. I don't regret coming back and I am happy I did, however I think it's time for me to go again. And below, I hope to explain why.

Like I said, I've been getting worse. Last autumn and this winter have been very difficult for me and I had to rethink some priorities, as life is going on the time left for me to invest in fandoms is getting thinner and thinner. Unfortunately, among them, isn't keeping up with this fandom. With my next words I hope not to insult anyone. The truth is, I don't find enjoyment in the fandom and content itself anymore, or more like, as much as I used to. I don't exactly vibe with posts for roughly the past half a year and I don't mean this in negative way, I just think it's for me to move on. All of the new people that I've seen have wonderful content and while I don't exactly vibe like I used to, I can see that you're having fun and that's important! People come and go and I do wish all the newcomers and seniors who are still here to have a great time, but I don't think I have energy, capacity and vibes to be part of it anymore. As you know, my blog has been very much inactive for a long time, aside from dumping my dumb sketches or reblogging something here and there. And rather than letting it rot, I'd like to cleanly move on. Anyhow, on self deprecating note, since really it's not like I've been someone prominent I don't think this is a loss to the fandom and this makes it easier for me.

So to summarise, my leaving is about personal things, my life moving and the fact I don't have the mental capacity or motivation to actively keep up.

So what does this mean? I won't be posting RA related stuff on this blog anymore. This blog will turn into a neutral main blog and I'll create one side blog for art that I hope to continue to make and maybe one blog dedicated to the work of Brandon Sanderson.

However, it doesn't mean that I am not up to goof around about RA anymore, however this will be done in DMs. If I sometimes get to draw and post RA related art, it shall be posted on my new art blog with RA tag. However, I don't think there's a high probability of public RA art from me anymore, because 1) need to move on and 2) I have a very strong and maybe confrontational opinion about art in this fandom that has given me a bad taste and discouraged me from enjoying making it and posting it. I won't go into details because I don't want to sour this post for myself and for y'all with it.

I want to thank this fandom for everything it has been for me and for everyone and I wish y'all some happy fandoming!

Yours only,

The Ranger Thursday 11

[sapphicseasapphire]

No rush with this ask but I just remembered! Back in my last ask you said you finally got Four figured out, I'd love to hear about their lore! Unabashed favorite character alert, I think Four's design is so cool and I love their concept so I super wanna hear about em. Like I said, no rush if U wanna tackle Spirit's lore reveal first

Nonono I’m happy to talk about Four!

Full disclosure, I’m very busy with schoolwork (the semester ends in like two weeks!!! I’m barely hanging on) so I don’t currently have the mental capacity to sit and write pages and pages of lore. Writing is so incredibly draining for me, so you probably won’t be getting a full lore post for Spirit until this weekend! It’s one of those things that will take pages and pages to explain and I just… can’t do that right now haha! So I’m happy to talk about Four in the mean time!

Four is… a special case. I want them to be a mystery. Every time someone asks about their backstory- particularly about Shadow- I will always respond by telling them it’s a spoiler. (As I’m starting to organize my thoughts and get my feet under me to get serious about actually writing fics, I’m getting more secretive about story elements. I don’t mean to dangle it in front of your faces, but I don’t want to spoil the big things! I’m sorry if this seems cruel).

Four is pretty secretive about their past, very protective of the things they love, and still working through a lot of their issues. The colors are having a bit of a rough time reflecting on their adventures and so Four… doesn’t really talk about it a lot.

Like I said before, I want Four to be a closed book. The others will know them as an Enigma. They’ve never seen anything like Four before. I will say that they are an original species- like the Aquili for Wind. Their horns are normal for their people. Their affinity for the elements is normal for their people. Their ability to split? Not so much. The colors are still a secret.

(Think… dragons.)

Four thinks it’s entertaining to keep the others guessing. At first, it’s a defense mechanism. Trying to keep their cards close to their chest, never giving the others too much of themself. But as trust starts to grow between the Chain, it kind of becomes more of a running joke? Sometimes, they’ll give small bits of information over dinner. Long nights sitting around the fire. They’ll tell stories of their adventures, but they’d mess up with pronouns and perspectives the same way that Sky does.

Sky, for the same reason, doesn’t share much. Telling stories is hard when there’s multiple consciousnesses trying to speak through one mouth.

Again! I’m sorry, I know you probably wanted more backstory, but just like Four, I’m keeping my cards close to my chest for this one. It’s a secret to the Chain, and it’s a secret to everyone. Just know that I typically don’t stray too far from the game’s (and in this case, the Manga’s) canon. Or at least. I try not to.

[venka]

i think its kinda stupid to be mad at gifmakers for gifing pjo and those who rb it. is everyone just expected to do research on every single person involved in something they enjoy before theyre allowed to publicly enjoy it? the actors you mentioned arent even main characters.

so many viewers dont even know the names of the cast and creators let alone their views on palestine. be mad at the fucking president and people who can make a difference, not someone who enjoys a show and runs a blog.

i'm not asking anyone to do extensive research on who to support and who not to. disney is one of the BDS pressure targets, and making sure not to support content created by disney is quite literally the bare minimum an average consumer can do to support palestine. BDS has proven to be effective in ending different companies' ties with israel. people have been posting about how disney is one of the main targets to boycott for almost three months now. and while the call to boycott isn't strictly true, your average gifmaker who's "chronically online" would have definitely seen posts about it without doing any research at all. and mind you, most of the gifmakers i've seen on my dash creating pjo content are the same ones reblogging posts for awareness about palestine, with BDS being one of the most widely known ways to take a stand against israel. this, alone, should be enough for these creators to not engage with pjo content on their public blogs at all.

but since you seem to be in the mood for an argument, i think it's a pretty safe assumption that most of the people engaging with pjo content know that rick riordan authored the original books and he publicly posted about how he supports israel in their ongoing genocide against palestinians on his public blog, which again, isn't that hard to find.

beyond that, regardless of whether or not those actors are main characters or side characters, they are making money based on the success of the show. by streaming, by giffing, by doing any public promotion for the show at all, you are putting money into the pockets of people who support palestinian genocide.

and finally, i can be "mad at the president" but the average consumer also happens to be a "person who can make a difference," so forgive me for having the mental capacity to be mad at multiple things at once.

[boydepartment]

Hey Jayjay, hope you’re doing well~

I just wanted to make a request for a Jake comfort fic, where he’s comforting reader after they’ve had a break down from holding their emotions in for months and didn’t tell anyone bc they don’t know how to express themselves to people?

Sorry if this doesn’t make any sense I’m not in the best headspace rn. But please don’t feel pressured to do this request if it makes you uncomfortable🫂

ON IT- i started writing this right when i got the request, i love you so much <3 dms always open bb

Condensation- Jake Sim x reader

warnings- mental breakdown, fainting

wc- 600

MASTERLIST

The room was absolutely spinning, and you weren’t drunk or anything. You weren’t high and you weren’t sick. You were overwhelmed. Absolutely everything overstimulated you and you were exhausted. The room seemed to be going a mile a minute and all you wanted was for it to stop. You wanted everything to stop for once. Life was hitting hard, and you didn’t know what to do or who to turn to.

Everything got so much that you didn’t even remember inviting Jake over, when the doorbell rang you stumbled to answer. Once again, not having the mental capacity to even think. You swung open the door and the next thing you knew you blacked out. All the stress and nerves absolutely draining your tired self.

When you woke up you were in your bed, water was on the nightstand, and you took a split second to watch the condensation fall from the glass onto the bedside table. Whoever left it didn’t put a coaster or anything down to protect the wood.

You turned over and felt a weight down on your bed, looking up you saw Jake sitting there on his phone. He looked down at you and popped his headphones out.

“Oh, thank god you’re awake.” He put a hand on your head, “fever? No. cough? Cough?” He was pretty frantic about the state of your physical health. He had no idea it was your mental health that was causing a decline in your physical wellbeing.

“No cough, just exhausted…” You mumbled and rested your head down again.

“Did you go out today or something?” He asked, trying to figure out what was wrong so he could help you. Jake was always very pure at heart, if something was wrong with you, he wanted to be there and help. He would never not go out of his way for you and your wellbeing. That’s why you never told him about how overwhelming your life had gotten recently. You hit a brick wall and how was he supposed to try and fix something that seemed so unfixable?

“Y/n?”

“Huh?” You realized now, you never answered his question, “oh sorry. No, I didn’t go out today.”

“Thinking too much?” Jake suddenly asked. You looked up at him.

“Yeah…” You swallowed hard, feeling that familiar lump in your throat. It hurt badly, trying not to absolutely break down hurt badly.

“You can talk to me, I can’t fix all the mental problems, but I can still help.” Jake said, he held your face softly, “I know it’s really hard though- opening up.”

Finally, the dam broke. You started crying hard. Jake held onto you and let you cry it out. He always knew you had issues with vocally saying how you were feeling. He knew you didn’t want him to worry, even though he was going to worry anyways.

“I-I’m sorry I don’t know what came over me I can’t stop-“You continued to cry and Jake rubbed your back softly and slowly.

“Let it out Y/n… It’s okay. I am right here, I'm not going anywhere.”

You continued to sob until you started to doze off again, all those overwhelming emotions once again took you out. You hadn’t realized how much these past months of bottling your feelings took out of you. You were constantly battling by yourself, and it finally caught up to you.

When you woke up from your post crying nap, Jake made you drink water.

“If you don’t want to talk about it still it’s alright.” Jake said, “I’m still going to be here though. I care about you and I just want you to be alright.”

You looked at him, “I think- I think I want to talk about it.”

[sleepanonymous]

I think I’m mentally in a good enough headspace to finally write about this. This will be a ranty post, so skip it if you’d like. I’m also not going to pretend I’m not wildly speculating here. I do not know Vessel, nor am I a mental health professional. This is just me rambling into the void; I did my best to make it coherent.

So, to start, we’ll need the message from Vessel that he played during his The Room Below set and the text on screen from the Fall For Me music video. Since I’ll call back to them, I’ve transcribed both below.

Fall For Me:

The truth is I am due a harsh lesson in truth itself and how bitter it can be. Will you teach me? The truth is I am ugly, I am inadequate, I am lost, I am no god. The truth is, I want, to want, to live, and so do you. I just can’t do this any longer. I am afraid. Are you afraid? I want to understand what it is to let go. So for now let me live as a living drama of your pain. If we are to be submerged let us be submerged together.

Vessel’s Room Below Message:

We are here to silently connect. To project ourselves onto one another. We are here to remember. We are here to forget. We are here to worship. Some time ago, I was given a message. It was a message that originated from one of you. Someone possessed by a strong desire to tell me something. The message read very simply: You saved me. I have thought about this message a great deal since. It left me with a feeling that I have somehow been mistaken for someone else. I did not save anyone. I do not believe I have the capacity to save anyone. All I have ever given anyone was a small window into the emotional waiting room of my mind. I do so whilst doing everything in my power to minimize my own vulnerability. In this way, I am selfish. I chose not to give what others can, and yet I am the benefactor of this thankful praise. |I experience a great deal of pain in my life. However, I do not believe I have suffered as you have suffered. Perhaps that is another reason why we are here. At the very least, we have all suffered. I would also like to take this chance to tell you something. To love oneself is not the easy task we are sometimes told it is. We are all limited by something. We are all guilty of something. My own path towards a place of greater self-acceptance is paved with the art that I create. It is a path that I continue to stumble down at the expense of everything else. I am nothing without this music. I am nothing without this mask. So, in this sense, the message I received was true, but only in an inverse sense. The truth is I did not save anybody. You saved me.

For a bit of background, the Fall For Me music video was released in September of 2021, right before the release of TPWBYT. The Room Below show was initially set for January 2022. It was postponed twice due to COVID-19 and was finally set for the end of April 2022. To be honest, most bands would have just cancelled the show after it was postponed, especially if it was a single show, not part of a tour, and not meant for the entire band to be present. According to an online article, the show itself even started half an hour later than it was supposed to. Again, I’m wildly speculating, but Vessel wanted to do this show specifically to deliver his Room Below message. He doesn’t communicate any other way with his fans aside from the occasional chuckle on stage and his awful (/affectionate) heart hands. So what else was he supposed to do in order to respond to that person who told them that he, specifically, saved their life?

Let me back up a bit. Again, this is speculation, but I believe this person with their strong desire to communicate their message to Vessel did so before the music video for Fall For Me was released in September of 2021. It’s possible the message came after, but before makes the most sense (at least to me). I say this because the music video for the song has no direct connection to the lyrics. The base subject matter for Fall For Me is about longing and wanting someone who does not want you back, at least not in the same way.

On the other hand, the music video is Vessel (or a character he is portraying, if that makes you feel more comfortable) committing suicide by sea, and, upon first watch, the words on the screen are his suicide note. With closer examination, this is not the case. The words on the screen, though some statements do seem like they belong in a suicide note, are more like a precursor to Vessel’s Room Below speech, especially with the “I want to want to live, and so do you” quote. Even more than that, the statements show Vessel disproving himself and his importance to Sleep Token fans.

“I am ugly”, “I am inadequate”, “I am selfish”, “I am nothing without this mask.” With these four quotes, I’ll move on to the second part of this post. These four statements are coming from a man with severely diminished self-worth. Plainly, Vessel is struggling, or, to use his word, he is suffering. Without pulling more from his music, these quotes alone are a tell-tale sign that Sleep Token’s anonymous marketing strategy has backfired in the most spectacular way for Vessel. While it has captured the attention of over two million monthly listeners on Spotify and garnered over ninety-nine million views on YouTube, the anonymity has ruined Vessel’s self-esteem.

With the above stated, I believe he’s still on board with keeping up the anonymity of Sleep Token. To be frank, I think he’s the only member of Sleep Token who is still 100% on board with the gimmick. The Vesselettes recently unmasked back in July 2023 (good for them; they deserve to be recognized and praised for their talents), and there are multiple accounts of II, III, and IV walking around festivals and venues unmasked, sometimes even wearing their full stage costumes sans masks. Vessel relies on his masked identity like a crutch to deliver his art. He does so because he believes he has to. He plainly stated this fact to the six hundred people at the Lafayette with him in April of 2022 and, by conduit, all of Sleep Token’s fans who have heard the multiple recordings and edits of this message.

The other members, II, III, IV, even the Vesselettes, the old keyboardist, OG IV, and 2020 session player Sam Kubrick, have all achieved variable success without the Sleep Token façade in the public eye. But not Vessel. The best he had was performing on a small stage hosted by his former university at a music festival in 2014. Before that, he struggled to get subscribers on YouTube and played open mic nights at a local café. Vessel didn’t achieve any recognition or fame until after he put on the mask and bought entirely into the idea that his music, his art, should be wholly separated from who he is as a person.

This mindset reminds me of a Miley Cyrus quote (stick with me; I promise this is relevant) from a few years back. She did a podcast interview and said the following about her Hannah Montana persona: “When I looked like myself, when I didn’t have the wig on anymore, no one cared about me. I wasn’t a star anymore.” Her quote helped put Vessel’s statement, “It left me with a feeling that I have somehow been mistaken for someone else”, into perspective. I saw that snippet on YouTube a couple of weeks ago, and it was like everything instantly snapped into place involving Vessel’s insistence on remaining anonymous.

With the above said, do I believe that the anonymity schtick is a trash idea and that the band should ditch it? Absolutely not, because it works. Without anonymity, the band would not have blown up the way they did after The Summoning dropped in January 2023. Without anonymity, there wouldn’t be extra layers of added lore. Without anonymity, there would be no mini ARGs for the fans curious enough to wonder why there are no credits on the songs their streaming services are suggesting to them (thanks for fucking that up, by the way, Apple Music. A+ shitshow right there). We would not have such emotional, beautiful, heart-wrenching songs without Vessel’s anonymity. Vessel has said this last point himself with his quote about minimizing his vulnerability. Would Vessel have had the confidence to put out songs like Bloodsport, Atlantic, High Water, Missing Limbs, or even Vore without his mask to shield him? In Vessel’s words, all he has given his fans is “a small window into the emotional waiting room of [his] mind.” But what a gifted, beautiful, turbulent, fractured, and brilliant waiting room we have been allowed to see.

In closing, whoever it was that gave Vessel the message about saving their life, I sincerely hope they were in attendance for The Room Below show, and I hope they heard Vessel’s response. I hope they both, as well as anyone else touched by this interaction between the two, have found support channels for the weight of their pain. I hope that they are happy.

TL;DR Vessel is a beautiful, talented, and humble human being who has and continues to save lives with his music. He deserved so much more attention than he got before Sleep Token. I want Vessel to know this (even though he will never see this post). However, I also do not think that he and the other boys should not drop Sleep Token’s anonymity act at the expense of their comfort.

[nickyroethemarinebiologist]

Hello this is my presentation on what animals Les Mis characters would be except I'm only 500ish pages into the book so it's very short list at the moment

I decided almost IMMEDIATELY that Valjean would be some sort of owl, despite what I believe is the most popular interpretation being him as a lion. I was thinking of that one chapter in the book where he's referred to as an owl (the one called 'a nest for owl and wren' I think??) and decided yes absolutely that is 100% it. So then my first thought was a snowy owl, since they're pretty fucking big and also white (I'm not too bothered for hair colours and what have you in the rest of these but for Valjean it seemed pretty important) but the snowy owl look just wasn't doing it for me!! (something about their look was a little too intense, I guess??) And then! I remembered the barn owl (which is, by the way, probably my favourite owl). And yeah I might be a little biased towards them but they have a sort of gentle look while still being, y'know, owls (notoriously pretty dangerous predators). And of course, owls are nocturnal.

Also, just look at them!! The vibe is perfect, I'm certain of it.

(And!! While most barn owls have that light brown colouring, there have been white ones!! So the hair colour problem is all good)

Javert was a LOT more trouble (which I wasn't anticipating, after the easy pick for Valjean). He HAD to be some sort of wolf/dog-adjacent animal, that was the one and only condition (though I did briefly consider a horse. Just because he has a horse in both the 2018 BBC series and the 2012 movie??). A hyena was my first immediate pick (yeenvert <3) but it wasn't QUITE there and I was struggling desperately for some other idea. AND THEN! I decided, if no horse, why not a vaguely horse-shaped dog? Which led to a short list of hounds (scottish deerhound, irish wolfhound, ibizan hound) which I sort of juggled in my mind for a bit before finally deciding I kind of liked the scruffy deerhound vibe. They're very sweet dogs, as far as I know, so in that respect maybe not so accurate, but they definitely have the capacity to be foreboding in the same way most hounds have. They're also pretty tall!

(And yes I KNOW I said I wasn't fussed for colours but the grey on these guys is actually perfect for my mental image of Javert so! It's a happy accident!)

I knew pretty immediately that the bishop would be some sort of rooster. I have absolutely no reason for this other than the vibe was too perfect to ignore (though I think I might have been inspired by some gif of the bishop an old Les Mis movie where there were chickens in the background). So then I went on Wikipedia and ran through a list of roosters until I found this magnificent little beast, a faverolles rooster. I found on my not-so-extensive research journey that these guys are super gentle and apparently very hilarious, which, yeah, that's absolutely him <3

The bishop's sister (Mademoiselle Baptistine?) also gets a chicken. Because yeah they're related but also I just think it really fits her. Or maybe I'm biased, idk, I do really love chickens. I don't really have much to say about her which I am so so sorry for because I do really like her!! But she's a swedish flower hen

And Madame Magloire was going to be a chicken (before I gave that to the bishop's sister instead) but I later landed on some sort of donkey. Again, I haven't got much reason for this but the vibe is there!! I promise you!! I switched between a bunch of different donkey breeds (all of which I had never heard of before but I absolutely love, by the way. Go check out a provence donkey) and then i found the bourbonnais donkey, which is just perfect to me. If I have ever been certain of anything it's this.

(There's a disappointing amount of donkey photos on the internet. Where are they all!!)

I was going to save Fauchelevent for a different post but i really like him so he's here too. I was pretty sold on him as a sheep at first, and I very nearly left it at that but then!! I learned of a cashmere goat, which was not only a lot closer to how I imagine him but also they look cool as hell!! So I thought, okay, that was easy, but something still wasn't sitting quite right. The goat idea was absolutely perfect, but the cashmere goat was too far in the direction away from the sheep idea (which I'm still very attached to). So instead I went for an angora goat! Which apparently do something pretty close to gardening for a goat (eating/destroying nuisance plants and improving pastures) so it was almost too perfect to pass up. Also their horns are pretty awesome

(It's very funny to me personally that Valjean is an owl while Fauchelevent is a goat. Yes, we are brothers, the bird and the goat. Makes perfect sense)

I was going to give Cosette one in this post too but I'm not 100% sure of hers yet!! So she'll have to wait. I apologise deeply.

[nightgoodomens]

Asks under the cut (p3)

I feel like Michael has been showing how done with it he is since he started making a point to look as miserable as possible with her and to make it more blatant, how glowing he looked with DT instead. I also feel like that photoshoot was meant to be the beginning of finding her a career so they can end her bearding one. So she has some career so she isn’t dependant on him anymore. But that didn’t work out so she started clinging to him again. It’s a sad situation for everyone. I’d never want to have anyone this dependent on me so I can’t get rid of them, and I’d never want to be a woman this dependant on a man.

That thread is disgusting. Not only half of them have zero idea wtf they’re talking about, like usual on Twitter, but the absolute disgust leaking from it is pure homophobia. The same people feel like they can squeak over everything the ladies do, and can ask about those relationships, but anything about the men deserves disgust and how embarrassing it is. It’s fucked up. I am against asking questions like this but it wasn’t THAT bad, and I hardly blame the person who asked considering they asked AL who will respond with crap like “oh my loud parrot was a preparation for dating MS” yeah you know what, ask her whatever you want. She’s embarrassing. Besides 1. She didn’t need to answer. 2. That wasn’t a back off face, they’re just projecting their feelings yet again. It was a confused/thinking about it and then “hm” as she looked away. Like her reaction was actually quite funny because it looked like a “oh fuck he does” realisation. No need to project all feelings of hatred on it.

They literally told everyone they’re one big family and DT and MS are partners/boyfriends/husbands - if people think it’s disgusting then that’s something they have to deal with. I don’t think any of these people have the mental capacity to consider poly or anything but most typical relationships out there. Which is so ironic because this is supposed to be super open minded fandom… yet they freak the second someone says so I think two men might love each other. Please.

I always felt a little “huh” about that moment because of how serious he is during that. Not the usual joke way you would expect but a borderline statement. There’s so many moments during those years where you expect them to take the piss out of each other but they’re really serious about what they say.

I think it’s kind of looking up to her because GT does it at least a little better than her. GT does a lot of questionable things to me but majority of people just see the perfect image she created on the surface. She worked very hard for people to forget how fucked up the beginnings of this relationship were and now feels confident enough to call her kids drunk accidents and get away with it. But that is the fandom’s fault who sucks up everything she says and won’t dare to criticise. And she knows that. Well until she finally touched a subject that struck the nerve but while some chased her off, others were screaming queen you can do no wrong - see this is why they think they can do bare minimum and people will suck it up anyway.

But you’re right, generally her arrangement with DT works better (mostly, because she posted a video where he was complaining too, or pics where he’s done with everything, or her weird selfies where she looks into camera and he’s suppose to be cuddling to her which always gives me the cringe, or the “mine” even though the night was about him) and she’s better at support when she feels like it hence probably why people have more warmth for her. Majority of people just want DT content and they don’t care how or what it is.

But generally people who see through bullshit point out both GTs and ALs missteps. And MS and DT when they do some dumb shit. It’s the best fans who won’t dare to criticise anything.

To me it looks like MS is harder work because he’s done with shit so he won’t be pulling cute selfies etc to help the bullshit. But DT is easier to make feel guilty (omg I want to be my wife for a day to see how she deals with me… bruh you ok?) so he will do a stupid Morrisons video, take selfies and cling to her like he’s less than her on HIS big days. And constantly work his ass off to finally have her accomplish something instead of finally giving up. It’s weird and sad to me. And explains why he shines so much with MS who actually lets him be who he is and compliments him and loves him openly instead of trying to make him feel less.

Oh yeah season three will be a nepo show, big time!

[coldresolve]

Hi, I'm Elias, I'm a 26yo trans guy from Denmark. I write shit, I draw shit, and I get into unneccesarily tedious arguments with anons about torture apologia in fiction. I think that sums up my vibe

I've made a few posts about this already, but tl;dr: the Danish NHS has been refusing to treat me for gender dysphoria for the better part of a year now because they've deemed me "unstable." Unstable how, you ask?

I have depression.

No, that is quite literally it. Full context under the readmore.

Fighting to be heard and having the door repeatedly slammed in your face sucks peak ass, and I'm done now. The NHS is so lackluster when it comes to trans people, all of a sudden, it makes perfect sense to me why 31% of transgender Danes get HRT outside of the NHS.

And I'd rather not have to turn to the black market, so rn I'm hoping to get a prescription with GenderGP. The issue is, I'm poor as fuck and can't afford the start-up fees for the forseeable future - unless I do something like this. I hate asking others for money, and I hate it even more if I'm not in a place where I can give anything in return. But I also recognize I'm in over my head with this, so. If you've got a cent or two to spare, I'd be grateful as hell.

I've mathed it out, and my best estimate is that I need around 3500,- DKK / $500 USD. Again, this is just to cover the initial subscription as well as mandatory consultations/blood tests. I should be able to cover the prescriptions on my own, as well as further tests/consultations down the line, so I'm hoping this is a one-and-done sort of thing.

paypal: elimunpau@gmail.com

Also, important note. We're in a global cost of living/housing crisis and this isn't a strict life-or-death situation. If you're in a tough spot right now, don't send me anything, that'd just make me feel worse about asking. I appreciate the thought but you gotta take care of your own needs first. Peace and take care ✌️

So I've been dealing with major depressive disorder since I was 11. It runs in my family, and as you might imagine, after 15 years of living with this thing, I've learned how to manage it pretty well by now. I know what it's like to genuinely be unstable - and if I were in a place like that, no problem, I'd be open about that. I wouldn't be making decisions like this. I know myself. You kind of have to when you're dealing with a chronic mental illness.

Here's where I am right now: I've got no suicidal ideation, been clean from self harm for four years, no psychosis, no inpatient admissions for the last five years. I live on my own, take my meds, and I'm keeping my life in order. Depressed, yes, but about as stable as someone with my history can get, and ask anyone who knows me, me wanting to get on HRT isn't some spur of the moment decision. I've done a fucking decade of soul searching, and a few years ago, I finally (duh) reached the conclusion that living as a woman isn't something I can even fake being content with - believe me, I've tried. I'm well aware of the scope of medical transition, but I'm settled in who I am. And I just want to live like me now. That's the only thing I want.

If it counts for anything, my partner and family have supported me through this, which has been priceless obviously, but it also goes to show that me saying "I'm capable of making medical decisions" isn't purely a personal assessment. I'm pretty sure they'd speak up if they thought I was being unstable about it or whatever

But the CPH clinic for sexology, who have consistently refused to listen to me telling them all this, have somehow magically aquired divine knowledge on my capacity to make adult decisions about my own body, and on the basis that I have MDD, they're refusing to even set me up for a preliminary interview - one that would preceed a 6 month full-team psych evaluation before the prospect of HRT would even come up. They said in their latest refusal that they wont accept another referral from me until a year after my last in-clinic conversation with them, which happened on October 24th, 2023 - meaning that with the NHS, if they accepted my referral come October (which I don't have much faith they will), the earliest I could possibly get on HRT is April 2025. Arguing for my own sanity would've sucked enough as is, but it's made harder by the fact that they won't even talk to me. You're a trans guy who would like healthcare, but you have a mental illness? Good luck, you're on your own. Long live the Danish bureaucracy.

Dysphoria makes me fucking miserable. I'd rather not have to write a sob story here, and tumblr is like 80% trans people so I guess a good portion of you can imagine why waiting another year for the possibility of maybe-perhaps-if-all-goes-well getting on HRT would not actually make me less miserable about it.

So. I'm sitting down next week along with my mom to file a formal complaint with the patient's rights committee. I don't know what to call this other than some form of discrimination on the basis of mental illness, because nothing in my current situation would prohibit me from making medical decisions for myself. And I honestly don't think that a complaint is going to do much, but I intend to make it obnoxiously long, because by law, a specialized doctor and an attorney have to read through the whole thing. If you can't beat 'em, make 'em read 50 pages of you going into detail about why you think they suck, right

And yeah, like I said, in the meantime, I'm trying to go via GenderGP. It'd be nice if my poor ass could get HRT via the NHS instead of having to pay out of pocket, but apparently the bar for entry requires that you 1) have gender dysphoria to the point where it impedes normal function and 2) somehow aren't mentally ill. Who wrote these rules? Some 60yo cis guy in a suit in Christiansborg, I imagine.

Feel free ask about anything relating to this whole situation, I'll be as open as I can about it, cause I understand that if you're going to give money to someone, you want to know what it's going to. Though I hope you understand I'm not going to doxx myself more than I already have now, or give you my entire medical history - only what's relevant to my current situation.

I know Denmark is a welfare state and on a global scale we're doing alright, but I hope you don't mind if I say this: This shouldn't be happening as often as it does. Fuck the Danish NHS.

[twistedwonderlandshenanigans]

"Interview" With NRC Students

Last set of my December Drabbles posts. Written after Chapter Four / Scarabia Chapter, burnt out and taking no shit Yuu. Word Count: ~5k ----------------------------------------------- You read over the set of questions Crowley had provided to ask for end of year interviews. Technically, it was supposed to be Dire's job to check in on all the students, but yet again the task was passed onto you. As you looked over the questions, you felt your eyes glaze over but a certain burning in your chest. None of these had anything to do with checking in with mental health, which was clearly what the students needed. You're no therapist. You're no faculty member, you're not someone who should be doing this anyways. You flip the paper over and think over a question you could ask. Just one. You have so many people to get through, and your emotional capacity and mental tenacity are nearing their limits. As the first person walks in an the two of you get to chatting, you finally settle on a question, maybe seeking some wisdom for yourself, and a glimpse into the way your friends, enemies and acquaintances think "What advice would you give someone who's looking to improve their day to day life? Or just advice in general?"

---------------------------------------------------------------------

Riddle is slightly taken aback by the question, before smiling assuredly. "I've been learning quite a bit myself what improvement can mean from one person to another. As you know, the standard for improvement and growth has always been set very high for me, but I think...I think that perhaps the best advice I can give is to learn to set a high standard for yourself rather than....someone else's approval.....it's not advice I've learned to follow, but I received it from a close friend this year and I believe it's sound. At least if you are disciplined enough to do so for yourself." -----------------------------------------------------------------------

Trey laughs a little bit in response, grabbing at his glasses frame and tipping them up slightly, before crossing his arms and leaning back in his chair, sighing a bit. "Advice, huh? Well, I can't say anything for sure, but I guess...don't sweat the small things. It's old advice, but there's a reason it's been said." "Did you want to elaborate on that?" "What else would there to be elaborate on? I thought that was pretty straightforward." "Maybe it has a little more of a personal meaning to you?" "I mean, I've got a bunch of younger siblings, and as vice housewarden I end up looking after a lot of people in the dorm, including Riddle. If I had to worry about every single thing everyone shorter than me was up to or doing, I'd have grey hair by now." He had a shit eating grin on his face as you stopped writing and looked up at him unamused. "You're not funny." "I like to think I am." ------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Cater's face almost falls a bit when he hears your question, but he keeps himself smiling. "Could...could you repeat that please? Cay-cay's um....I need to make sure I heard that right." "What advice would you give someone who wants to improve their day to day life?" He looked almost haunted, though he was trying to maintain his happy disposition. "Did...do you want a different question?" "Ahah um well no! No, it's ok, I got it I just...need a minute I guess! It's...I guess nobody's asked me for advice...ever. I've given it just never asked...specifically, y'know? Ahhh, never mind, can you forget all that and we can take it from the top?" You can't hide your concern and confusion all that well, but you nod a bit and smile reassuringly. "What advice would you give someone who wants to improve their day to day life?" Cater lights up as if the emotions he was conveying a moment ago had never existed. "That's easy! Cay-cay's got you covered! Find something to smile about everyday, because if you don't-...just find something to smile about everyday. Even if it's just one thing that'll keep you going, you're still going, and that's what matters." His smile falters just slightly. "That's all you needed from me, right? I can go now?" You give him a small smile and nod, and watch as he leaves the room, an awkward tension still sitting in the air. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Deuce looks like a deer in the headlights at the question. "Why would you ask me that?" You gave him a knowing smile, cocking your brow a bit and he cleared his throat awkwardly. "I think you have plenty to contribute to this, Deuce. We both know you've undergone a lot of personal growth to get to where you are now." "Well yeah but it hasn't been easy! And you were there when I've had.... when I've flown off the handle and just gone right back to who I was before." "But you're not the same as you were before. You feel regret, which was what made you want to change in the first place, because before you heard your mother on the phone, you didn't. I wasn't there when you were a delinquent, but I've known you for a few months now and can say with confidence you're doing a good job Deuce, you're making a lot of progress towards your own goal. If you could just share a little bit of insight on what's made it easier, or what's been a motivator other than seeking your mother's approval, I'd really appreciate it." He thinks it over for a moment, nodding slightly as the words slowly come to him. "I...I don't really know, but I guess....I've never stopped trying my best...and I give myself room to be angry when I need it. I think a lot of people either try their best most of the time, or don't put very much effort forward at all, so I think the second thing might be the advice I would give someone. To give yourself room to feel your emotions, big or small, just make sure you have a safe place to do it where you won't hurt other people too." ------------------------------------------------------------------------------Ace looks stupidly unamused and kicks his feet up on your coffee table, blatantly ignoring the look you gave him for doing so. "You're bein' so formal. We're friends why are you acting like that?" You couldn't help but huff a bit, amused but not wanting him to know that. "I have to do this for Crowley, it's not like I want to. Just answer the question Ace, then get out, I have so many other people I have to get to today." You regret the second part of your sentence when you see his shit eating smile from across the way. He settles even deeper into the seat and sighs deeply, happily and puts his hands behind his head. "So I get your full, undivided attention until you get the answer you're looking for? Cool." "Mmm, mhm, you get my full undivided attention until you waste my time and I throw something at you and the countdown is starting my patience is paper thin right now Ace, do not test me." He scoffs and sits up properly, groaning out of boredom. "Fiiiine, but is it really wasting time if you're hanging out with me? You owe me an hour after thi-" "Sure, yeah, whatever, shut up and get out, or answer the goddamned question and get out." "Sheesh, ok, fine, the best advice I can give is for you to loosen up, Great Sevens you're tense." "NO SHIT SHERLOCK." ------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Leona didn't even come to you for HIS interview, you had to go track down the lazy lion yourself. He mumbled something when you knocked at the door, but you didn't hear nor care if it was to come in or to go the fuck away. You let yourself in, sat at the end of his bed and waited for some sort of response. "I will throw this clipboard at your head I know you're awake." Clearly, he thought you were bluffing, as a few seconds later a very angry cat was growling at you, and your clipboard had bounced off his head and sat on the floor. You remained unphased, tapping your pen against his nose once, lightly. "You don't scare me, now what advice would you give someone who wants to improve their day to day life?" "The fuck kind of question is that to wake me up from my nap from?" "The kind that if you don't answer I'm calling your sister in law and asking her to make you because I don't have time for this shit either Leona. Answer the question. And before you say anything about me not having your family's contact info, I do have both your phone and password so tread lightly." It hadn't been hard to get, Ruggie was an open book for the right amount of Thaumarks, and Leona's phone had been on the floor, but Leona looked mildly impressed for a split second before remembering he was annoyed, huffing and laying back. "You're lucky I don't eat you alive for throwing that piece of shit at me, herbivore.” “Are you going to answer the question?” “Yeah, I just woke up, give me a damn minute.” “Mira, set one minute timer.” Setting one minute timer. “Oh for Great Seven’s sake, is that how petty you’re being? Fine. If you can’t sleep it off, get something to eat. Now get out of my room, before I decide to eat you.” ------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Ruggie didn’t even bother sitting down, he recognized the set up from the year before and laughed a little. “Shyeeheehee if these are the same questions from last year, can’t y’just hand over the paper and pen and I can pretend to write something that Crowley won’t read?” You couldn’t help but snort a bit. While it was tempting, your curiosity for what the hyena boy had for advice outweighed your want to be a little lazy. Besides, at this point it wasn’t for Crowley, it was for you. “Not this time. I’ll be honest. I have a question for everyone, I’m just trying to maintain my sanity though, this isn’t about the headmage anymore, this is me holding on by a thread and looking for some hope for the future.” You laugh weakly, and Ruggie smiles a little, concerned, but it was understandable. You had a lot on your plate, and he was kinda happy that you were that honest with him. He finally sat down across from you and slung his bag from over his shoulder to sit on his lap as he dug through it. “I’m not great with advice, but my gramma always said something about if you wanna go fast, go alone, if you want to go far, go together. So surround yourself with people that are gonna getchya to the end of the school year, ok? Or until Crowley can send’ya home. The other freshies are doin’ a pretty good job from what I can tell but if y’ever need a lil pick-me-up y’can let me know. Might even do it for free.” He grins and winks at you as he finally produces an apple from his bag, rubbing it gently with his sleeve before offering it to you. “I don’t got much, but you’re doin’ a good job prefect. Hopefully y’can pretend that’s like…a bigger prize or somethin’. And I wasn’t kiddin’ when I said I could be a part of that group if y’want me to be.” ------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Jack’s ear flicked a bit at your question, his rather stoic expression making you question exactly what was going through his mind. “That’s a pretty broad topic…but my grandparents and parents always say that ‘we will be known forever by the tracks we leave’…so…don’t do anything you wouldn’t want to be remembered for.” “Is that all you want to say?” He simply nods once, happy with his answer. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Azul pushes up his glasses and chuckles a little. “That isn’t something Crowley had you ask, now is it? If advice is what you’re seeking, then perhaps scheduling an app-“ “Azul. I would love to hear you out but frankly I don’t have the time nor the fucks to give about your business deal you’re about to offer, so if you won’t answer the question, I’ll just inform Leona that you refused to co operate and I know how to push his buttons in just the right ways to do so.” An awkward silence filled the air before Azul cleared his throat a bit. “That won’t be necessary. Wisdom that had been imparted on me by my nonna goes as follows: chi non fa, non falla. In other words, he who makes no mistakes, makes nothing. The path to greatness is full of obstacles but can be paved as you learn how to get rid of them. In my case, I recognize that I was fortunate to have seen the road paved by my nonna, and learned from her mistakes so I wouldn’t have to make my own. On the other hand, not having had that example to follow would have allowed me- er…and individual to learn on their own so that they understand and appreciate just how much effort is required. As long as you’re learning, you’re not failing, and sometimes that’s enough.” ------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Jade looked rather amused at your question, folding one arm across his chest and holding his chin with the other. “Tried and true advice is the best advice I have to give. Keep your friends close and your enemies closer, you never really know who you can trust.” He smiled a bit at you, but you weren’t quite sure how to feel about it. “I’ll be going back to the lounge now. If you require anything from me, I’m simply a call away.” Did having his number make you a friend or an enemy? Did you really want to know?? ------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Floyd giggles as he turns the chair around to sit in more comfortably, rocking a bit, before your question finally processes and all his excited movement stops and he slumps in his seat. “Awww but that’s so borin’. It’s not like under the sea where if y’don’t like someone you can just y’know…” he draws his hand in a slitting motion across his neck, tilting his head, and making a wretched squelching noise. “Soooo I guess the only advice I can give ya is if someone’s bein’ stupid to ya, call me! I’ll squeeze ‘em reaaaaal good for ya shrimpy!” He rocks in the chair a bit before he gets up. “I ain’t answerin’ any other questions, so ya better be happy with whatchya got.” It was good enough. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Kalim was bubbly as ever, but tilted his head like a confused puppy at your words. “Oh um, I don’t really know. I did hear this one saying though that I thought was really pretty and it was like..um well it went like ‘don’t let the shadows of today take away tomorrow’s sunshine’.” He sat, expression rather blank but happy. He looked rather expectant though, as if he was awaiting praise. You smiled a little bit at him and decided to dive in a little further. “What does that mean to you?” He looked a little surprised, but really thought it over for a moment. “Well, everything can’t be great all the time. Things are usually ok at best for a lot of people, most of the time. But dwelling on the mistakes we make isn’t going to make us feel any better, so why hold onto them when we can let them go and be happy?” ------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Jamil frowned, shaking his head a bit. “You’re asking me this now? What question are you going to ask everyone else?” He looked rather haggard, but you couldn’t decide if after the whole hostage situation, you thought he deserved it, or if you felt bad for him. You ignored your feelings on the matter for now and sighed. “Everyone’s getting the same question.” “Very well then. My advice is don’t fucking overblot.” You looked up to see a somewhat smug expression. “Ask stupid questions, you get stupid answers. I’m going back to my dorm prefect.” ------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Vil was poised and ready as ever. “That’s easy. The only way to ever improve is to practice. Most people say practice makes perfect, but that’s simply not true. If you don’t put your full effort into practicing, if you take short cuts, then you will never reach the level you hope. Perfect practice makes perfect. You must be persistent in achieving greatness; persistence is what sets apart the greats from everyone else. Regardless of what you’re practicing for, whether it’s a role in a movie or to develop patience, the saying remains true.” He smiled a bit and sat up more in his chair. “Was there anything else you wanted to ask me?” You smiled back a bit, finishing writing his response best you could. “Nope, that’s all for now. Thank you Vil.” ------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Rook tilted his head a bit and smiled. “Ah, mon trickster, is that all you are looking for? Surely the head mage would not be asking a question of this depth.” He hummed a bit to himself, not really looking for an answer from you- he already knew. “I don’t so much have advice as I do a saying I learned in my time in Pomefiore. There is no rainbow in the soul if there have been no tears in the eyes. Isn’t there such beaute in that? Your soul only grows more beautiful as it does strong when you face hardships, so do not despair when the clouds blur your vision and a downpour slows you in your path. I could simply go on for hou-“ “You really don’t have to Rook, I got the gist….I think. Thank you for your time.” He smiled and tipped his hat politely. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Epel was more prepared than you may have thought, but it was appreciated. "You don't ignore the fuel gauge on a blast cycle when it says its empty. You don't ignore the flashing lights and alerts that let you know when your bike needs something. So apply that to yourself. You need fuel too, so don't wait until you can't go anymore to eat. Don't go until you're so exhausted you break down. Sometimes circumstance makes it difficult, but don't ignore the really big signs that's something's wrong and assume its gonna get better." As if on cue, his stomach rumbled, and he flushed a bit. "That bein' said, my dorm ain't exactly a picnic.  The servin' sizes barely fill me up and peanut butter can work miracles, but not that big. Jack sometimes brings me leftovers from the meals at Savanaclaw, and Deuce sneaks me desserts but it ain't the same as one home cooked meal a' comfort food, y'know?" You nodded apologetically. You refused to get actively involved, but you could offer a fellow freshman a hand. "If you bring ingredients, you can use my kitchen. Just don't get caught. And make me some food too." He looked surprised, then absolutely beamed and laughed softly. "Y'betchya! I'll make sure it's the best damn food y've had in yer life!" ------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Idia’s tablet floated in front of you. There was a drawn-out silence, and you wondered if he was even paying attention behind that screen or not. Finally, he responded. “Just advice in general? Lol why would you ask me? You want gaming advice, reqs, strats, sure then yeah, you could shoot me a text or something I guess but this is just p. stupid. I literally don’t leave my room and I’m a nepo baby what relevant and useful advice could I possibly give to a normie?” “Just give me an answer I can write down Idia, it really doesn’t matter.” “Fine then. Avoid middle schoolers at all costs. I can absolutely destroy newbs in game, but IRL? Those guys can pin down your biggest insecurities in two seconds flat and won’t be afraid to call you out on it.” “You took that from a comedy sketch.” “….shut up, I tried, ok? I guess…..read all the tips on the loading screen of a game when you get the chance. Does that work?” You sighed softly, before giving him a tired smile. “Yeah it’s good enough.” ------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Ortho let out a sad sounding beep. “What’s wrong Ortho?” The little robot kicked his feet a bit in his seat, processing. “I’m not human. I could give advice, but it might not apply the way I think it does. I could search for it, but it would not be my advice to give. Even if I said something as simple as ‘do your best’, I don’t know, really, what that means. If I give 100% effort in something, I’m pushing the extents of my hardware and software. I run the risk of overheating. I might hurt myself, and in doing that, waste my brother’s time in making him repair me over something that could have been avoided. I have my “best” programmed into me. A human can push past that discomfort, past that risk if they so wish, and in theory, achieve giving more than their best, or something that would be recorded as an anomaly or outlier in a research setting. I have no advice to give.” He lets out a sound like a sigh and sits cross-legged. “Even when I try to give big brother advice, when he follows it, things seem to go wrong. I don’t think I should be who you ask.” You looked over his defeated looking figure. You couldn’t help but feel empathy for him – clearly this had been on his mind for a while. You set aside your clipboard and held your arms open. “You look like you need a hug.” The little robot looked up surprised, then visible relief flooded his features as he nodded a bit and floated into your arms, hugging you tightly, but took care to not let his hair get too close to you. “Doing your best, regardless of who or what we are is all that matters Ortho. My best on a day-to-day basis fluctuates. Sometimes my best means I got out of bed in the morning. Sometimes my best means I finally do those tasks I’ve been meaning to do for weeks. Sometimes my best means I’m on top of everything, getting things done, and feeling great. Everyone’s best looks a little different, sometimes even within the span of hours. You’re doing great. You have people that care about you and will pick you back up if you need a little self help. While some of your capabilities are limited by programming, your actions are not. You still choose to help where you can. You are kind when you want to be. I think that’s when you’re at your best.” Ortho pulled away, nodding a tiny bit. “I think I understand. Thank you, prefect. I appreciate it.” Even though his mouth was hidden, the wrinkles around his eyes told you he was smiling again as he went on his way. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Malleus seemed intrigued, but a little surprised at your question. He shut his eyes gently as he thought it over. “For the fae, years pass by like seconds. To give advice that would only aid you in growth for the next year seems rather near-sighted, though I suppose for you, that is plenty of time to develop your character.” He hummed softly, trying to think of something he could give you, that wouldn’t be overwhelming. You gave him his time, rather happy in the comfortable silence the two of you were able to sit in. “I suppose I’ve always taken the passage of time for granted. Perhaps that is something I will work on as I set my own goals, though with that comes the advice I wish to impart upon you. Your time is precious. However, the only thing more precious is how you spend it. I only wish for you to be happy, healthy, and successful Child of Man. Ensure that the time you spend with others lifts you up, encourages you, and allows you to grow into your potential. I hope that one day, I will see you grow into your full potential.” He smiles softly, hoping that you catch on that he hopes you’ll include him in that circle of friends that will help you continue growing. However, it’s the wording he used that has you wondering if he has had something to do with why you haven’t been able to go home yet. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Lilia giggles softly. “Asking for advice from your elders, hm?” He settles in his seat on the ceiling, enjoying the fact that you couldn’t hide a tiny smile from forming from his antics. He pouts thoughtfully and taps his chin. “There’s a lot I could say. Learning to change with time, to live everyday to it’s fullest, to learn to not be afraid to take risks, that there is value in re-evaluating who you’re friends with, that you should follow your heart until your mind screams no, icicles are ideal weapons, you can train crows to sound like humans and then send them after people you hate, develop your vocabulary to the point where if someone makes you mad you make them feel stupid in your response, that you should never swim on an empty stomach, but never go on a roller coaster with a full one, don’t stick metal where it doesn’t belong, never trust where a toddler’s hands have been….I was going somewhere with this.” He paused, spacing out for a moment before shaking his head and coming back to earth to finish what he needed to say.  “Truth be told, I think the most important advice I can give is learn to tell others how you need to be loved. Nobody will ever know what you need, so even if you can’t tell the full extent of what you need, someone close to you will do their best to interpret what you mean to get you what you want. The second step to that then, is to let yourself be loved. You are the only person who sees you in as harsh of a light most people see themselves in. Let other people in to make it better.” He beamed and turned right-side up again. “Will that suffice, prefect?” ------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Silver looked very concentrated, but needed you to repeat the question. He closed his eyes a bit as he thought, but seemed to startle when he opened them again and sighed. “Be grateful for what you do have, what you can do, instead of being upset at your incapabilities…you have other talents…and other traits than mistakes and shortcomings.” He sighed softly, mumbling something under his breath. You couldn’t make out much, but it sounded like something he had heard many times before, himself. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Sebek puffed his chest out, looking disproportionately proud at being asked for advice, though as soon as he opened his mouth you realized you forgot to set a very important boundary and interjected. “It can’t be about Malleus. At all. Or any specific person for that matter.” Sebek’s shoulders fall a bit and he looks a little annoyed. “You did not specify that BEFORE HAND HUMAN!” “Well I did now, so deal with it.” “FINE! I will share with you something that has been shared with me often. It’s-“ “Please your inside voice?” “THAT WAS NOT WHAT I WAS GOING TO SAY.” “I bet you hear it a lot though.” “THAT IS IRRELEVANT. NOW BE QUIET SO I CAN COMPLETE THIS TASK, BENEATH ME AS IT IS, THAT I MAY LEAVE YOU TO YOUR PATHETIC UNDERLING WORK FOR THE HEADMAGE!” You didn’t justify that with an answer, just gestured with your hand for him to get on with it. He cleared his throat a bit and tried to calm down a little. “I was going to say…the more challenging a conflict, the more glorious the triumph. You mustn’t forget to allow yourself to be proud of what you have achieved. While your conflicts and mine may vary in how difficult they are, it does not change the fact that on an individual basis, we must acknowledge the effort we put in to overcome them.” ------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Grim sat across from you, his tail swishing curiously side to side, his head tilted and eyes wide before he grinned widely. “Course ya want advice from the Great Grim? Now listen up hench human, ‘m only gonna say it once so ya better make sure y’write it all down, got it?” You nodded a bit, trying to downplay your smile a bit at the toddler-like energy your companion emanated. He stood up on his chair, pacing back and forth a little bit like a drill sergeant. “Never eat expired tuna. If you’re really that hungry, no YA AIN’T. If ya need something from the tallest shelf, climbin’ on the counter is sturdier than any chair in Ramshackle. Sneaking food from the cafeteria works real well if your cheeks are big enough to store it!... And if ya don’t eat it as you’re tryin’ to make a break for it. Ace’s most ticklish area is behind his ear, which is why he always pushes me off when my fur rubs up against him when I’m on his shoulders. If ya ever need me to bug’m, let me know! I think that’s all I got for now.” He stopped and placed his paw on his chin in thought, before one more thing came to mind and he hopped over to you, pushing his face gently against yours. “Oh yeah. ‘Nd don’t forget t’tell the people y’care about they mean somethin’ to ya, in one way or another, 'kay?” ------------------------------------------------------------------------

[schumiatspa]

It happened in London - or a not so brief essay on Sinnettini, friendzone and what Italian goalkeeper Gigio Donnarumma has to do with them

Since after the Davis Cup and the meeting with the President of the Italian Republic the Sinnettini ship has made a comeback, today your friendly neighborhood tumblr user schumiatspa wants to take a trip down memory lane and share her humble headcanon on it

(The title is obviously a tribute to Friends and the iconic episode where Joey found out about Monica and Chandler)

Everybody and their mother knows that I live laugh love breathe for Sincaraz, and Sinnettini is not it for me, BUT even I have to admit that once upon a time there was something there: Jannik's gay awakening. In my humble opinion, some years ago (let's say 2021?) Jannik liked Matteo. I mean, how can someone not? Jannik really saw an older hot funny fellow italian player, fighting his way up the ladder and being crowned as Italy's new tennis star, and obviously his teenager hormones couldn't help but join the conversation - one day our young innocent carrot found out that wow, I might be not so straight anymore. Cue to a very likely mental breakdown because I think young Jannik had the emotional capacity and range of a tennis ball (now he is getting better, but boy was he a disaster before).

But if you look closely to the lore, you'll see that little to no Sinnettini was happening in the last years. Jannik was young, getting his first important trophies and wins, being called up in the national team, trying to navigate the madness that the ATP tour is, while Matteo was already famous and established, going as far as playing a Wimbledon final against Djokovic. And that specific day is THE day that inspired this entire post.

July 11, 2021, London: a great day for italian sport. Not only is an Italian tennis player (for the first time in history) playing the Wimbledon final in the afternoon, but after that Italy national football team is gonna play the Euro2020 final against England, in Wembley. We all know what happened: after a promising first set, Matteo lost to Djokovic, whereas in the evening Italy won against England at penalties, in front of 67000 people and Matteo, who was in the stands to watch the match. But what non Italian people might not know is that Matteo clearly fell in love with one of our players that day: our goalkeeper and star of the night Gianluigi "Gigio" Donnarumma (the man right here).

What seduced Matteo? Gigio's brilliant performance (he saved the last two penalties)? His innocent face? His cuddly teddy bear behavior? The fact that Gigio is one of the few people matching Matteo's height? The fact they are both sponsored by RedBull? Who knows. What we know for sure is that during the post-match interviews, they were together and Matteo was absolutely touchy-feely with him (Tumblr is hating me rn so I hope the links work). And he was very passionate about him during the match too (you can find proof here at 1.00). Or in the following months (he did not have to tag Gigio in that video, but he did anyway. Okay Matteo you do you I guess).

The things is: Gigio didn't reciprocate. And before you start booing him because how can someone say no to the Matteo Berrettini, the reason is very simple: at the time, at least according to Italian footieblr's expertise, Gigio was in a relationship of some sort with one of the hottest Italian football player/big dilf. Him:

His name is Salvatore Sirigu, my dear readers. Being able to reject one of hottest athletes in Italy because you are already dating another of the hottest athletes in Italy: that's the dream and Gigio lived it. Anyway, what does this have to do with Sinnettini?

Well, obviously this one of the reasons Matteo wouldn't reciprocate Jannik's feelings. The important thing that I want to point out again here is that over the past years (even up to last year) Jannik and Matteo weren't friends, just friendly with each other. And they said so themselves, at least Matteo did: in an interview from last year, he said that "he is very close with Sonego, and Musetti" but "he doesn't talk as much with Sinner, but it's normal, because you can't be friends with everybody". Again, my humble headcanon about this is that Matteo knew about Jannik's feelings (I wouldn't hazard a guess and say that Jannik confessed, but maybe he let something slip) and this kind of cooled down their relationship (not intentionally, but things might get awkward in these situations, so yeah).

BUT - and I swear I'm getting to the end of this long rant - we all know that they have a great relationship now. Why? Well, I'd say a bunch of reasons: the Davis Cup helped for sure, they have grown and matured blablabla but the main reason would be a cute young guy from Murcia (don't be surprised that the final conclusion is about Carlitos - everything should be about him). Jannik is not harboring feelings for Matteo anymore, because he has Carlitos in his life now, so I think this greatly helped create a true bond between Matteo and Jannik.

So Jannik has Carlitos, but who does Matteo have (not Gigio, but I think he is not interested in him anymore anyway)? That's up to you. Casper? Might be. Is he single? Also possible. Do you still think that Sinnettini should be endgame? I'm sorry you don't understand the amazing vision that Sincaraz is, but that's okay too. Is Matteo just focusing on his recovery? Great, because we really need his comeback.

[stillcarmine]

There's a lot wrong with c*leo but one thing that just doesn't make any sense and that I haven't seen addressed before is the way that Leo believed that being with Calypso was his destiny.

So, the way Calypso's immortality is portrayed after HoO is inconsistent at best. There was never any indication in the text that her life force was tied to Ogygia, but then she's suddenly mortal in ToA. She's lost the ability to do magic, but then starts to get it back somehow. She's supposedly no longer a titan but unlike Lester, who has also lost his immortality, she retains all her memories of her thousands of years. As I've seen some people discuss before, making her mortal is just an attempt to put her and Leo on more equal footing.

It's like how Emmie was an immortal, from Apollo's power, before she joined the Hunters of Artemis, but then when she left, she had to give up her immortality? Now, she did this so she could grow old with Jo, but if that wasn't the case, it read like she would still have been turned mortal either way. Like her immortality was payment to Artemis for her patronage. From what I remember that isn't the case, but it played out like this.

At the end of Blood of Olympus, Leo is the one that brings up that Calypso might not be an immortal anymore when she leaves Ogygia, but he had no reason to think this based on what is in the text. It feels especially strange considering that Leo, out of all the seven, has always been the least versed at matters like magic and immortality and how they operate. They are not things that make sense to him, as he says multiple times, like when he's trying to understand how the Athena Parthenos works. There is no basis for this change in her immortality, no foreshadowing, no anything. In ToA, we are given scenes where Calypso reminisces about her life before she was imprisoned on Ogygia, where she was an immortal. Her curse is that heroes come to her island and then they always leave. It is not that she and the island are intrinsically linked in any way that means she fades or changes without it. Again, this feels like RR's way to mitigate the fact that Calypso is literally thousands of years old.

The text of the books actually does the opposite of set up this shift, especially in Leo's mind. Throughout HoH and BoO, Leo refers to her as an immortal: "Leo wished he could sound as confident as Calypso. Then he remembered that this annoying fifteen-year-old girl was actually the immortal daughter of a Titan"; "Even among the Hephaestus campers, Leo had never worked with anyone as intuitive as this immortal gardener girl". "That didn't just happen, he told himself. I can't be in love with an immortal girl. She definitely can't be in love with me. Not possible."; "Just Leo's luck. A super- hot immortal girl was waiting for him on Ogygia, but he couldn't figure out how to wire a stupid chunk of rock into the three-thousand-year-old navigation device."

And no point until the final scene of BoO does Leo think that she will no longer be an immortal after she leaves Ogygia.

RR also includes the word 'girl' with each of these uses of the word 'immortal', as if to cancel out the fact that she is, again, millennia older than Leo.

(Leo even refers to her as a woman at one point, which she is.)

Despite where you stand on the whole, 'oh, she's mentally a teenager' thing (I think I've made my own stance on this clear but that's not the point of this post), it's so ingrained in the text of the entire last two books (the only ones where she's relevant) and only referenced at the very end that it might change, that Calypso is an immortal.

And the entire premise of this series is based on the fact that immortals do not stay with mortals.

Leo is a demigod. He grew up with his single, human mother who only ever mentioned his father in his capacity as Leo's father. When he finally meets Hephaestus, Leo insults him, calls him out for not claiming him when he was supposed to, for never caring, and for letting Esperanza die. For not being present. For letting Leo's entire life take the route it did.

The only wisdom he gets from Hephaestus is that nothing lasts.

Leo's hope of an entire future with Calypso can be seen as him desperately wanting to rebel against this idea, or to embrace the idea of reusing what doesn't last for something else. He does both of these things with rebuilding Festus at the cost of the Argo II. If you want to get metaphorical about this, then it's him trading his home and his crew for a way back to Ogygia. He wants a place to belong and someone to love him fully. Leo has struggled with loneliness and feeling out of place his entire life; it makes sense that he wants this.

But he's also seen first-hand the way that immortals are fickle and move on easily, how they can't get involved with mortal affairs. There's a whole camp full of other children to attest to that fact. The way gossip is portrayed in the series makes it clear that he must know about all the drama from the original series. He must know at least some part, if not everything, of what Piper and Jason's mortal parents went through because their immortal partners did not stay. His own life was so deeply influenced by this fact.

It could be argued that he's letting go of the past, or that he's taking a leap of faith, but the thought that things might not work out with Calypso never even crosses his mind. This isn't a recognition and acceptance of a risk that Leo knows because it has shaped the course of his life. This is an entire erasure of a major conflict in both the books as a whole, Leo's life and the lives of his loved ones. It just feels like setting Leo up to be devastated when Calypso inevitably behaves the way an immortal behaves.

TLDR: Leo knows full well that immortals don't stay in romantic relationships with mortals, but for some reason he's written to plan his entire future around a romantic relationship with an immortal.

[emotionallychargedtowel]

Following up on my post about episodes 5 and 6, here are my thoughts on the mental health side of episodes 7 and 8 of The Eighth Sense.

Hey, @waitmyturtles, it's finally finished!

As in my last T8S post, I'll start by talking about what I see going on with Jae Won (and this time, to a lesser extent, with Ji Hyun), then get into my thoughts about what his therapist is up to.

Here’s what I’ll be talking about below:

lowered affect and psychomotor symptoms

the "freeze" response and the depressive side of PTSD

"I want to heal his wounds"

Jae Won's therapist: dancing over the line

the portrayal of mental health interventions in The Eighth Sense so far

what's next?

lowered affect and psychomotor symptoms

When it comes to Jae Won, I think for the most part his deal is readily apparent to anyone with a reasonable amount of insight, whether they have mental health training or not (though I hope my perspective might help clarify some stuff). As others have pointed out, he's incredibly numb and shut down. It's clear that he feels responsible for Ji Hyun's accident even before he says so directly to his therapist, and that he has some kind of distorted thought process that is telling him that staying away from Ji Hyun will keep him safer than if he allowed himself to be close to him again. This also functions as a way of protecting himself from experiencing another loss--if he doesn't have anyone in his life that he actually cares about, he can't get hurt that way again.

By the way, just like the capacity for self-blame I talked about last time, it's remarkable how readily people who've experienced trauma can form strong beliefs that don't make rational sense (often involving magical thinking) while seeing no reason to doubt those beliefs. For example, it seems pretty certain that Jae Won is consciously telling himself, "Everyone I love dies or gets taken away from me in some way, so if I love someone I'm putting them in danger." There's no possible way this could be true, but it feels like the truth to him and he's unable to see how obviously false this belief is.

A couple of the things we're seeing with Jae Won have psychological terms that can be used to describe them more precisely. You know how Jae Won's face is super expressionless for most of episodes 7 and 8? In psychology, we use the term "affect" to mean the expression of emotion in someone's face (and to a lesser extent, other parts of their body). ("Affect" has a really different meaning in other disciplines.) Identifying the type of lowered affect Jae Won has sheds some light on his emotional state. There are standard descriptors that psychologists and others use in reports and notes to talk about people's affect. "Broad" or "full" affect means a person shows a typical amount of emotion in their expression. "Labile" affect means that the person is showing disproportionately strong emotions; often these emotions change abruptly as well (for example, if someone laughs one moment and cries the next and neither seem appropriate to the situation). Then you have descriptors for people who are showing less emotion than normal. "Restricted" affect is somewhat subdued compared to full affect. Just like it sounds, it's as if the person is (consciously or unconsciously) restricting the amount of emotion they allow others to see. A step down from restricted is "blunted" affect, which is a pretty intense symptom. Someone with blunted affect shows very little emotion, even when talking about or experiencing something upsetting. Another step down is "flat" affect. I often see people using "flat affect" to describe a person who actually has blunted or just restricted affect, but flat affect is a lot more marked than that. True flat affect means that the person shows absolutely no emotion. It's extremely rare. You're highly unlikely to meet a person with flat affect in your daily life, unless you work in an inpatient mental health facility. Where is Jae Won on this scale? His affect is blunted. This is a very big deal! When someone is experiencing mental health symptoms so marked that their affect is blunted, especially almost all of the time as we observe in Jae Won's case, there is a lot of cause for concern. As you might imagine, it's often reflective of the person being very disconnected from their own emotions. This symptom can be associated with a number of diagnoses. Some of these involve psychotic symptoms, which might interest proponents of the "everything after episode four is a hallucination" theory. But it's also associated with PTSD and depression, and I think it's pretty clear that's at the root of Jae Won's deal. After all, his affect became blunted right after he was retraumatized and massively triggered by Ji Hyun's accident.

A great example of Jae Won's blunted affect happens in the scene where Ji Hyun finally gets him to talk to him in private and he keeps insisting that everything that happened between them "was nothing." It's not normal for someone to have almost no affect when having a conversation like this, no matter how they feel about the other person or their history with them. If their relationship really meant nothing to him, we'd expect Jae Won to look flippant, irritated, contemptuous, guilty, maybe superficially sympathetic, but we'd expect him to have some degree of affect. The fact that he can sit there, dead-eyed, during this conversation speaks volumes. Another term that applies here is "psychomotor retardation." Sometimes people say "psychomotor slowing" instead to avoid the connotations of that second word there. Or you may just hear about "psychomotor symptoms." In severe depression, people's speech, movements--really, just about everything they do can become slowed. If you've ever been around someone who was severely depressed, you may have observed this. I had a friend in college whose psychomotor symptoms got so intense during a depressive episode that I misunderstood and thought she was drunk. The fact that this is coming up for Jae Won is another giant red flag that he is in a massive amount of distress.

the "freeze" response and the depressive side of PTSD

Given how much informed trauma discussion happens on tumbr, I'm guessing a lot of folks reading this may already know that contemporary trauma scholars have added to the well-known "flight or flight" set of trauma responses. The most common change is to add "freeze" to the list to make it "fight, flight, or freeze." Some also add "appease," or "fawn." We're all familiar with the fight response to trauma (go toward the feared object and try to fight it) and the flight response (run away from it). The freeze response is analogous to instinctively playing dead when attacked by a dangerous wild animal, except it's usually automatic, something our body does whether we want it to or not. People having a freeze response may dissociate, or they may find it difficult or impossible to get their body to move. The "appease" response refers to an instinctive impulse to do anything and everything to appease a person who poses a threat. It's a trauma response that frequently comes up in partner abuse situations. The "fawn" response, sometimes called a "collapse" response, is a kind of last ditch attempt by your brain to disconnect from your body so thoroughly that you'll feel less pain as a result of the trauma. I'd group it with the "freeze" response--they're kind of like different degrees of the same thing, with fawn/collapse being even more extreme than freeze. I had a mentor, Dr. S, in one of my training positions who had put together his own model of how trauma works, one he had cobbled together from a number of sources. Usually when a mental health person tells you they have this kind of homemade theory bricolage deal it turns out to be a hot mess. But Dr. S was incredibly smart and experienced and his theory was coherent and useful. I wish I knew where he got the various components from. I know he was into somatic experiencing therapy and it was part of the model but there were other traditions he had pulled from as well. But the gist, as it applies here, is this: he categorized the acute trauma responses (fight, flight, etc.) into two main groups, activating on the one hand and freeze-y/deactivating on the other. And those acute responses, the responses that a person has in the moment when the trauma is happening or soon afterward, are related to how their PTSD symptoms manifest, if they develop it. According to Dr. S, people with PTSD usually have a sort of predominant tendency where their PTSD symptoms lean more toward the freeze-y side, which is the more depressive and dissociative side, or the fight and/or flight side, which involves more overt dysregulation, anger, risk-taking, and so forth.

The thing that made me think about Dr. S's model of trauma when I watched episodes 7 and 8 was something he always said about these different ways trauma shows up as symptoms. I wish I could remember the rationale--like, what the supposed reason was that things work this way--but I remember that once he pointed it out I started seeing examples of it everywhere. He said that if you're stuck in a freeze-y, depressive state with your PTSD symptoms, you can't move directly from that into a more healthy, engaged relationship with your emotions, your memories, and the world around you. Instead of going straight from freeze mode into something healthier, he said, you have to spend some time in fight/flight mode. It's like, metaphorically speaking, there's no path out of the freeze zone without passing through fight/flight territory.

Jae Won's PTSD typically shows up in a very freeze-y way. His depressive symptoms were his most noticeable ones from the start of the series. He dissociates rather readily. He was numb even before what happened with Ji Hyun, then gets even more numb. Actually, I'd bet that when he resisted his connection with Ji Hyun before, and to an extent in 7 and 8, one of his main reasons was that Ji Hyun makes him feel alive and that scares him. Ji Hyun makes him "thaw out" in a way he doesn't feel prepared for. And then, of course, as soon as he dares to let his guard down with someone and experience real connection, what happens? A new trauma and massive triggers for his past trauma. So he goes back into freeze mode with a vengeance.

And he gets really passive. Just sort of floating along. Not kissing Eun Ji back when she kisses him, but not saying no or pushing her away either. (Well, there's one extremely gentle push after which he takes the tiniest step back, but that's it.) When we see him alone, he's just lying in bed with his eyes wide open staring into space. But there is one thing that makes him wake up, something that puts him squarely into fight mode: Tae Hyung making shitty comments about Ji Hyun. As audience members, it's natural to want to cheer this on in part because Tae Hyung is such a dick and that was incredibly below-the-belt. But I think another part of what makes us want to applaud is that Jae Won is finally thawing out again. It's fleeting. And the way the show is edited drives this home even more since there's an abrupt cut from Jae Won pummeling Tae Hyung to him talking with their professor in his office looking incredibly spaced out. But it happens.

"I want to heal his wounds"

One thing I've noticed in more than one response to episodes 7 and 8 is people being critical of Ji Hyun's words when he tells Joon Pyo, "He wants to be seen as a strong person, but has a lot of wounds. And I want to heal his wounds." Basically, I'm seeing people say that it's up to Joon Pyo to heal himself and that it's naive of Ji Hyun to think that he can "heal" him. And to an extent, they have a point. If Ji Hyun claimed he was going to singlehandedly heal Jae Won's pain and trauma, it would be extremely unrealistic. Especially if he claimed he'd do it whether or not Jae Won participates. But he says he wants to heal Jae Won's wounds, and I think that's more reasonable. I would expect that most of us, in his shoes, would at least want that on some level, even if we don't think it's possible. But more than that, I think this is an example of a certain cultural attitude, one that (in my experience) seems more prevalent in individualistic cultures like those of the U.S. and much of Europe. It's related to the idea that "no one can love you until you love yourself." I find this attitude just as unrealistic, and just as riddled with wishful thinking, as the idea that we can heal a partner by our force of will alone without their participation. Because individualism is a wishful fantasy in a way. It tells us that we can fix ourselves without having to worry about making connections with others or whether those others will be willing or able to give us the love we need. But we can't just wish away our relational needs.

Human beings are relational creatures. We develop from birth through our relationships with others. These relationships can be damaging or they can be supportive and strengthening (or, of course, both). We don't have to wait until we are perfectly self-sufficient before we're capable of receiving love, deserving of love, or able to benefit from love. When someone loves us deeply and shows that to us, when they show their love through caring for us, it makes a difference in our lives. Of course it does! And if we are completely lacking in that kind of love, life is harder for us. I could go off for pages and pages about this and I may well do so here one of these days. For now I'll say that if you're interested in combating your individualistic bias and thinking in a new way about the fundamentally relational nature of humanity, I highly recommend the first section of Kenneth Gergen's book Relational Being--it's phenomenal. (I first read it on a long bus commute and I was gasping so much that people started giving me looks. And I normally never gasp aloud at a book.) Stan Tatkin's work on attachment dynamics in couples is also really instructive here. Tatkin talks about how we've been conditioned to think it's burdensome and excessive to ask for our partners to be there for us and take care of us in certain ways that are actually imminently reasonable and part of a healthy relationship. This isn't to say that there's no such thing as a burdensome demand or an onerous expectation of a partner. But there's a whole class of caring for others that gets stigmatized in our culture that's actually not only OK but healthy and beneficial.

What about Ji Hyun? I think it's not unlikely, given his age and lack of relationship history, that he's being a bit overly idealistic. But I also think it shows an admirable degree of self-awareness that he sees that he has a desire to heal Jae Won. And honestly? He already has healed him to an extent, even if subsequent events seem to have undone it. He can't heal Jae Won just by loving him. Jae Won would have to allow himself to be close to Ji Hyun again for that to happen, and he'd also have to open himself up enough emotionally to take in what Ji Hyun has to offer. And in order for him to heal in a substantial way--for example, to stop having an active case of PTSD--he'd also have to put in some independent effort. But it's also true that if Jae Won lets him, Ji Hyun actually could make a real difference in Jae Won's healing. And Jae Won could do the same for Ji Hyun.

Jae Won's therapist: dancing over the line

Jae Won's therapist/psychiatrist has been playing around with boundaries a bit since we first encountered her. Her "just tell me what your worries are!" joke ventured a bit close to a boundary line for me, but it stayed on the right side and made sense in context so I considered it pretty skillful. Sometimes getting close to those therapy boundaries is actually really powerful. I mean, it may sound like this would just be a lapse, and then we could debate whether or not it was forgivable. But actually, playing with therapy boundaries in a careful way that doesn't go too far can be an particularly good idea, depending on the situation and the client. Sometimes factors like the formality of therapy, clients' idealization of their therapist, their worries about seeming like a good person or being a "good client," and so forth can lead to the therapy process getting completely stuck. Calling some of these things into question can be really useful.

So initially, I thought Jae Won's therapist was handling this sort of thing well. At the same time, I was concerned that she might overdo it. I had a therapist once who played around with boundaries in a safe, careful way at first, and it really benefited me, but later, he was careless about some important boundaries and actually crossed the line to the point where I had to stop working with him. I didn't know if she'd do this, but I worried about it. Then episodes 7 and 8 happened.

Some folks have taken issue with her saying to Jae Won, "Why didn't you visit recently? I almost couldn't pay my rent because you stopped coming. You know every minute counts for the consultation fee, right?" I do think she's getting into risky territory here, but she ends up on the right side of the line by my standards (albeit barely). It should be completely obvious that Jae Won's attendance at their appointments doesn't make that huge of a difference in her bottom line. I actually see some reasons to believe she's likely an administrator or instructor/professor in addition to her clinical work (I'd be happy to explain my reasons but I'm trying not to get too far in the weeds). So she likely has other things to do besides see clients. And she's the kind of clinician that probably has plenty of clients. But no matter what her job entails, the fees from one client who sees her biweekly are not going to make or break her financially. She's trying to make light of her worry when Jae Won missed appointments (probably two, since a month has passed and that would mean two biweekly sessions). Then there's the exchange about her experiences with clients dying by suicide. There are aspects of it that seem OK to me, but she crosses the line in my estimation.

When she first raises the topic, she asks him, "Did you think about extreme decisions?" This set off alarm bells for me. It's important that therapists show that they're able to speak clearly and explicitly about suicidality. Using euphemisms or beating around the bush conveys a lack of confidence and comfort with the topic that could undermine clients' faith in the therapist or make the therapist seem like someone they have to protect from learning about their suicidal thoughts or intentions. Thankfully, she switched to more direct terms quickly, so I felt like that made up for her initial vagueness.

Then she talks about how "the hardest time" in her work is "when my patients commit suicide." But instead of talking about the loss she would feel in that situation, she quickly pivots to talking about how it's difficult to decide whether or not to attend these clients' funerals. It's a weird turn. It makes it sound as if the hard part is navigating this funeral question rather than the actual loss of the patient. I'm sure that's not how she really feels, but this topic shift makes it sound that way.

I know that @waitmyturtles took issue with the way the therapist hashed out conflicting ideas around ethics in a conversation with a client, and I do think that's almost always something that should be avoided. But I also think if she had done it in the right way, it could have been OK or even a good idea. Why? Because as I wrote above, one good reason to mess around with therapy boundaries sometimes is in order to undermine the idealization of the therapist when it gets out of hand. In other words, sometimes clients need to see firsthand that therapists are human beings too and that they make mistakes and have growth areas--and that they feel confused about how to navigate some professional situations, as she talks about here. It's demystifying in a way that can be beneficial. My biggest concern is actually the fact that she's doing this around the topic of client suicide.

Even though she plays it off somewhat by seguing into an ethical quandary about funerals, Jae Won's therapist is still raising the subject of how patients' suicides affect her. And this is where I think she's really playing with fire.

There's nothing wrong with a therapist acknowledging that when/if a client ends their life, they are/would be strongly affected. To pretend otherwise would not only be disingenuous, it would make the therapist seem unfeeling and cold. But it's risky to do anything that might center oneself in the conversation about a client's suicidality. Basically, saying you worry about a client, saying you would be very sad if they died, and so forth can be not only OK but advisable if done judiciously. But spending a substantial amount of time talking about yourself when you're sitting with a client who has a substantial suicide risk is insensitive and dangerous.

Of course, this is partly because centering oneself as a therapist is almost always counter-therapeutic (not to mention shitty and wrong). But if a therapist centers themselves around this specific topic, it could also lead to losing access to vital information about the client's thoughts, intentions, and risk level.

If I'm seeing a therapist who I have a good rapport with, I'm going to be concerned if it appears I might hurt them. I may even be highly motivated to try to protect them. If I'm having suicidal ideation but I think telling my therapist about it will upset, overwhelm or frighten them? If I'm being told right and left how distressing client suicide is for them? I now have a very good reason to keep my suicidal ideation a secret. Once a therapist loses a client's trust that they can safely disclose their suicidal thoughts and intentions to them, risks immediately go way up. Bottom line: if a client doesn't feel safe telling you about that stuff, you can't help them when they're in crisis. You're operating in the dark, without access to critical information.

I continue to believe that Jae Won is at a substantial risk of suicide and/or self-harm. And he has shown time and again that he tends not to disclose much in therapy even when he's at his best. This is no time to play around with this stuff. His therapist needs to show him that she's a steadfast, safe, concerned, but also reasonably neutral figure right now if she wants to have any hope of keeping him safe. And she failed to do that in episode 7.

the portrayal of mental health interventions in The Eighth Sense so far

As before, I think that the show has shown Jae Won's therapist in a mostly positive light in the latest episodes. And without a doubt, it's a good thing that therapy is being shown at all here. But one thing we haven't seen so far is an instance of therapy actually helping Jae Won in any observable way. And I'm becoming increasingly convinced that the series will end without any specific benefit from therapy being shown. I get that this is a love story and the emphasis is bound to be on the ways in which Ji Hyun and Jae Won can make a difference in each other's lives. But if you're going to portray therapy at all, you really ought to include at least some sort of potential benefit from it. Otherwise you run the risk of sending the message that while therapy might not be actively bad, it's also not something that will help someone in a meaningful way.

I'm also concerned about how psychoactive medication is being portrayed in this series. There's been a lot of talk of prescriptions. In the deleted scene that's been making the rounds, the camera pans down at Jae Won's pill bottles as if to call attention to them, emphasizing them at a time when Jae Won seems to be falling apart. Maybe these are hints that Jae Won is going to misuse his medication at some point, or maybe not. But currently, they function as a kind of commentary. The implication seems to be something like, "Look how fucked up Jae Won is right now. He even has to take medication for his mental health!" It makes it seem like someone taking psych meds is a sad or worrisome thing on its own. This is exploitative and supportive of mental health stigma. If it turns out these cues were foreshadowing Jae Won misusing his medication to self-harm, the generalized medication stigma aspect could be less of a concern, but it still wouldn’t exactly be a progressive portrayal of mental health care. I hope the show's creators pull back from this or find a way to make it all worthwhile, but I'm becoming less hopeful about that as well.

what's next?

I have some thoughts about what's coming next for the story based on what we've seen so far. Well, I have a lot of thoughts on that subject, but I'm going to confine myself to those I see as mental health-related here.

There's a chance that Jae Won could engage in some kind of self-harm or make a move to try to end his life. It's hardly certain this will happen, but it wouldn't be out of left field. Given the attention paid at various points to Jae Won's medications, the most likely avenue of self-harm seems to be misusing them.

One potential turning point could happen if events bring up Jae Won's protectiveness toward Ji Hyun. This could come up due to something really overt if he has reason to believe Ji Hyun is physically in danger, but it's at least as likely to come up if he sees other people mistreating him. If Eun Ji continues to try to bully Ji Hyun and Jae Won witnesses it, or if Tae Hyung lashes out at him, this could have a big effect on Jae Won. After all, even in his highly depressed and dissociated state after Ji Hyun's accident, the one thing that brought him back to himself was Tae Hyung's shitty comment. I would tie this back to the idea I mentioned above, that the path from long-term freeze mode to something healthier may need to involve passing through a more activated, aggressive state in the process. Jae Won's protectiveness toward Ji Hyun could be the catalyst that causes this type of shift for him.

[onyourowndaisymae]

blog update

hi! it's been awhile since i've posted anything substantial. some of you might have noticed that progress for the "when they fall in love" series has halted, that only little drabbles or shitposts have been posted as of late, etc etc-- i want to say my peace and get it all out there.

to make a long story short, blog posts will be slowing way down to accommodate for my declining health, but i am still looking to post drabbles and such until i am healthier. kink/flufftober prompts will be pushed back to a do-over kink/flufftober when i have the energy to do so. my "personal" blog is @oopsiedaisymae and that's where i'll be moving most of my reblogs, likes, mutual following, etc etc so follow there if you want to see my nonsense. this blog will not be shutting down. y'all are stuck with me.

to make a long story long... (cw for chronic illness, nausea, unintentional disordered eating, american nonsense)

last year, during finals season in college, i got sick as fuck with a stomach infection. since then, i have quite literally never been the same. i went from being a normal student to being plagued with abdominal pain, constant nausea (and i'm emetophobic so that sucked SO much ass) and being unable to leave the house some days. i've had ups and downs with my health since-- some days i can eat semi-normal, other days i'd be completely unable to stomach anything solid. as of now, we're on the worse end of that spectrum.

also around this time, i lost my health insurance. so the entirety of this calendar year i haven't had insurance, and although my primary care clinic is cheap, my issues are beyond what a primary care clinic can provide. because i'm in america, an uninsured trip to the ER would quite literally bankrupt me. so i've been waiting on insurance to get said proper medical care. i'm hoping that'll come sooner rather than later-- my birthday is next month and i'd like to not be in the hospital when it comes around!

with all of this, i have (understandably) not been eating well and have lost a significant amount of weight. eating hurts, and trying to eat a healthy amount makes me incredibly nauseated and in pain. the question every day is: do i want to not be in pain but be unable to think, or do i suffer physically to have some mental capacity for the day? it's a lose-lose situation.

this has really upset me bc writing has always been a place to escape to as my life falls apart, but now even stringing together words is hard. i want to write. before this most recent batch of hell i was stringing together a masterlist for kinktober, but i can't even finish the pieces i was already working on bc i can't think. shit sucks.

anyways. all this to say: once i get proper medical care, it's over for you hoes. i will start posting full-length fics again once i am able. in the mean time, expect little drabbles here and there. i will be hosting my do-over kinktober and flufftober events when i am able, even if that shit means i'm posting in may or something. i will be dicking around on @oopsiedaisymae, my personal blog, in the mean time. oh, and i'm into twisted wonderland now, too. so expect content for that when i come back in full swing.

i think that's everything. if i have anything else to say, i'm sure i'll mention it. in the mean time, feel free to explore my blog or my mutuals' blogs to get your writing content fill. thanks for sticking around :) mwah.

[boonsmoon]

Split in Two

V ver. A mini-series inspired by a post that I can no longer find! Basically, what if what happened to Vergil (DMC5) happened to reader? Would DMC characters pursue reader after becoming whole again? Background info: You are a Valentine (Guilty Gear). Basically artificial human :)

Request Masterlist Mini-Series ML V x f!reader Genres:🎊🥀💞🧪

THE MEETING/GETTING TO KNOW

Y'all actually met trying to defeat Urizen

You found it kinda SUS that the moment you split a giant tree suddenly pops out of the ground

You had a plan set, it was logical and if followed would get you back to normal easily

But for some reason you've been so emotional

Have you always needed to cry this much?

V didn't look mentally or emotional stable, and honestly I think he's about to collapse

That's how you two bonded over the course of a few hours

During your tree climb it turns out Urizen got a hold of a fighter, it was the other you! Who would've guessed?

You had to explain to V that technically you are missing apart of yourself and that's the only reason you're here

He looked kinda shocked but had to get over it

WOULD THEY PURSUE?

He would not pursue, you both met on false pretenses, that both of you were your true selves

When V finally becomes Vergil again, I think there would be a feeling of want, but not strong enough to REALLY go for it

He would meet up with you once you're whole again and realize you are completely different from what he thought

Sure you aren't crying anymore and you sorta have emotions, but it's not really showing now, you kinda lost some charm

You also wouldn't really have the emotional capacity to try taking on a new challenge with some guy you don't know

Basically, you both agree that the circumstances sucked and it probably shouldn't happen

i've returned after several weeks, rejoice my fellow DMC fans

anyways hoping to get another one out soon, it'll happen today or tomorrow if we're lucky