#I think once you get through the hurdle of finishing a novel especially

[radley-writes]

UNPOPULAR WRITEBLR OPINIONS go go go

I'll start: editing the first draft is fine, actually

[rallamajoop]

So, I've spent the last couple of months getting myself hooked on the Witcher franchise.

Believe me, no-one is more surprised than I am – especially when I made it through The Witcher 3: The Wild Hunt mostly on the strength of the gameplay, but largely underwhelmed by the plot.

So you can imagine my surprise when I gave the Blood and Wine expansion a chance, and it hooked me, grabbed me right in the id and delivered on almost everything the base game lacked. I fell for Regis, I agonised over the endings, I have a million theories about the villains, I just... yes.

And then I tried the novels, and my god, I think I may love them even more than Blood and Wine.... but let’s start back at the beginning.

Up until earlier this year, I knew The Witcher mostly as that game that infamously gave you collectible cards for getting all the female NPCs to sleep with you – not a great first impression. I tried the Netflix series, but bounced off it quickly. And then youtube randomly recommended me Joseph Anderson's  ridiculously long videos analysing the first two games... and found myself intrigued. The complex morality, twisted fairy tale mythology, the promise of decisions with real consequences and sidequests that only deepened the world and themes... that could actually be worth a play. Nothing may have come of this, but then The Witcher 3 was on sale on Steam, and I thought, what the hell?

Over 100 hours of gameplay later, I came away disappointed. Witcher 3 may have something to recommend everywhere except its overarching plot, which... honestly, just calling it a “plot” may be giving it too much credit, when so much of the main quest feel like meaningless fetch quests for NPCs who may be able to help you find some other NPC who can tell you about the real plot, which is mostly happening to other people. Very little can really change or build organically (tension included) since the open-world structure means the player may be doing it in any order. Then, at the end, you fight a generic dark-elf final boss, who’s had less presence or dialogue than many NPCs you can meet in in utterly optional side quests, then you avert the apocalypse somehow – which I knew might be imminent mostly because it kept coming up on the loading screens (you know, between other such sage advice as "sorceresses are infertile" and "Geralt can use his crossbow underwater"). How do you fill a game up with so much unnecessary padding and still leave the core conflict feeling so underdeveloped?

Don’t get me wrong: there is some amazing material scattered through various subplots along the way, but the setup and payoff in this thing is a disaster.

Still, the Steam sale had included the game’s two expansion packs, and the core gameplay was addictive enough that I gave them a chance – starting with Blood and Wine – and fell head over heels in love.

Everything about the expansion benefits from its smaller scope, delivering something shorter and tighter, with some great twists and surprises, no clear villain, and some truly agonising decisions towards the end once you realise you're not going to be able to save everyone. While the main game left me going eh, whatever, maybe I’ll youtube the other endings at some point, hardly I finished Blood and Wine once before I was reloading a save from the last obvious decision point and replaying the final chapter again (twice, in the same evening) because I so desperately wanted to see what else could have happened. Plus, Blood and Wine included Regis (Geralt's ridiculously mild-mannered uber-powerful-vampire BFF), whom I adored, and whose presence works wonders to tie the story and the mythology together.

(No, he doesn’t look like much, but his voice actor is perfect and his attitude to life and his friendship with Geralt only got me more the longer I spent with him.)

The base game’s inability to pull its plot together was all the greater shame considering how many genuinely brilliant characters you meet along the way (YENNEFER! Dijkstra, Thaler, Phillipa, the Bloody Baron, the Crones – the list goes on), but there were none I fell for the way I fell for Regis (and yes, I ship him with Geralt something awful, so help me).

(If you're curious, I found the a lot of the same strengths in the other expansion pack, Hearts of Stone, but felt it ended weakly, and was frustrated by how hard it pushed Geralt to romance Shani, who did nothing for me. Look, game, my Geralt already has Yennefer and his vampire boyfriend, there is no room for Shani in his busy schedule!)

Curious about the backstory (though certainly also tempted by the promise of more Regis), I gave the novels a try... and fell in love all over again. The first book (by far the weakest) is a bit of an introductory hurdle, but the second quickly sucked me in with its wit and humour, then ended with a series of magnificent gut-punches that ensured I was well and truly hooked – and hooked I remained, through the five more novels that followed.

This is not a series I can say much more about without also telling you how the ending broke my heart – suffice to say that it's not for nothing that so few of Geralt's companions from the last three books ever appear in the games, or that the world thinks Geralt and Yennefer are dead before Witcher 1 (they aren't, even ignoring the games, but whether they ever see Ciri or any of their surviving friends again is left hanging). But the games, for all their flaws, certainly do their bit to offer happier endings, and having got this far, I found myself almost immediately buying that one last prequel novel I'd skipped (Season of Storms), because I just wanted to spent more time in this world, with these characters (even knowing so many faves from the later novels wouldn't be present). And I think that's the sincerest rec I can give the series: I earnestly cannot remember the last time any fantasy novel series sucked me in nearly so hard. I’m left comparing its characters and world-building to Discworld, and that’s about as high as my literary compliments go.

I could ramble on for ages about everything that does and doesn't work about the games, and their convoluted relationship with their source material (so much of the story is woefully under-explained without the books as context, so much expands on leftover plot points that the books never properly resolved – while so much more contradicts the books in wildly irreconcilable ways). I have as much to say about all the great and fascinating things in the books that didn't make it into the games. And I probably will at some point, given what an absolute sucker I am for all that kind of analysis, but that's fodder for other posts (and competing for priority with half a dozen different Geralt/Regis fic I seem to have already started. Or possibly Geralt/Yennefer, or Geralt/Yennefer/Regis, or even Geralt/Dandelion – look, dude is shippable, I don’t know what to tell you).

In the meantime... I may have already started rereading the novels from the beginning again. And Blood and Wine ain’t gonna replay itself.

[imaginationofacrazyfangirl]

*jhs / hanahaki! au/ 🌙☆

*4.5k written 

Summary: Hoseok desperately wants to continue your guy’s friendship despite his girlfriend Soo-min hating you. What he doesn’t know though is that even just being friends will kill you.

A/N: After much consideration what started off as a one-shot then two-shot, shall now have three parts. Thank you everyone for your patience. I appreciate all the support given to me.

—————————————————————————————————

White orchids spill from your mouth as you heave into the toilet only to miss. A minute passes before you collapse onto the cold tile floor of your restroom. Your eyes stare blankly at the white mocking flowers splattered with blood. How fitting for the product of your disease to be such a rare exotic flower. Most people who suffered from Hanahaki threw up roses or lilies, but you got orchids. It is as life wants to personally point out that your first and only time falling in love with someone is doomed.

Forcing the remnants of blood and flowers back into your throat, you stood up on shaky legs. It was 9:10 am last time you checked, and time you spent throwing up has  fucked up your morning schedule. If you don’t change soon you’d undoubtedly be late to your morning class. “Come on (Y/N), you can do it. No stupid flowers are going to-”

“(Y/N)! Are you ready?” a familiar jovial voice calls out, causing only more flowers to fall from your lips. 

Quickly you slam the door to the restroom shut, locking it for extra measure. Your mind races trying to figure out why the object of your affection Jung Hoseok was here. Sure he used to walk you to class every morning, but only to make his ex-girlfriend Soo-min jealous. Soo-min hated you with a passion. Which is why when Hoseok and her broke up, he thought fake dating you would be the best way to get her back-and it worked. 

For three months you faked a relationship with Seoul University’s  ‘sunshine boy’. At first you felt awkward not being a people person and Hoseok was under the impression that you were some sort of monster. Eventually though you two passed those hurdles. Hoseok broke through your icy barriers, he became your first friend and through him you began to make other friends. Everything went perfectly except for the fact you began to fall for him. 

 It started slow, but you could feel the symptoms progressing each day. His love began thawing the ice around your heart. Then a seed  planted itself in it sprouting leaves that grew like ivy. Soon after flowers escaped your mouth the sure sign of an unrequited love. Your love for him was real. Probably more real than anything Soo-min could give him. However Hoseok felt oppositely hence the Hanaki disease. 

“(Y/N)? Are you in there? “ Hoseok knocks. “It’s kind of late to be getting ready. Did you oversleep?”

“Yeah.” You croak. “I just got up. What …what are you doing here, Hoseok? Didn’t you and Soo-min get back together?”

It’s a question you already know the answer to, but you can’t help not to ask. You need to know for sure, before you make any decisions regarding your Hanahaki, you need to Hoseok got his wish. “….we did, but that doesn’t we can’t still be friends-”

    His answer both hurts and relieves you at the same time.  

“It means exactly that, Sunshine boy. You can’t be friends with me. You can’t even talk to me unless you want Soo-min to hate you.” You say, hardening your heart.

   Hoseok isn’t the type to abandon a friend for girl. Not even if he’s only known them for a few months. Which is why you need to be the bad guy here…for both your sakes. “(Y/N)…” Hoseok says.

     Taking a deep breath you opened the door coming face to face with the cherry haired boy you loved. His dark eyes gaze at you sadness radiating through them. You have a feeling he knows how right you are, even if he doesn’t want to admit it. “We can’t. Being friends with you will only cause pain and trouble for us. Trust me.” you reaffirm.

    Hoseok shakes his head. “I don’t believe that. Not for one second. You are my friend whether Soo-min or anyone else wants you to be or not.”

       A vine shoots out at his words coiling tightly around your rib. It takes everything within you not to double over in pain as it bruises muscle and bone. You are so far gone, any sort of relationship with Hoseok will kill you. “What about what I want? What if I don’t want to be friends anymore? What if I am tired of dealing with you and everyone else?’ You snap uncontrollably. “I don’t want to do it, Hoseok. I don’t want to be your friend anymore. Alright?! “

   Hoseok doubles back a crushed look on his face. “Alright. If that’s what you want, I’ll leave you alone then.”

   “It is.”  You say looking away . You can’t handle the expression on his face. It hurts more than anything the Hanahaki does to you. A ray of sunshine like him should never be anything less than shining, especially not at the expense of an ice queen like you. 

    Later that night you receive a visit from Yoongi, Hoseok’s best friend/fraternity brother and the only other person who knows about your disease. The blonde haired boy arrives with an assortment of medicines, books, and pamphlets revolving around Hanahaki. It’s a sight that makes you both laugh and cry at the same time. “I heard you broke up with Hobi.” Yoongi says as he enters your dorm.

    You snort, shaking your head. “We weren’t really dating to begin with, so how can we break up?”

    “He looks awful. Almost as if you murdered his whole family in front of him.”  Yoongi mentions. “Seriously I’ve never seen him so upset. Not even when Soo-min broke up with him.”

      You look down ashamed. “I didn’t want to hurt him, but I-”

  “You had to.” Yoongi finishes knowingly. It’s only been a few days since you revealed to him your secret, but already Yoongi could see the damage done to you by this disease. You are paler than normal, skinnier too with dark circles under your eyes.  Your lips are chapped and your hair lost whatever shine used to be there. Overall you look like shit and Yoongi feels so fucking guilty for not noticing sooner. 

     “He’ll kill me.” You whisper sadly. “Just by being around me, this plant will grow and strangle me to death. It’s not fair-especially for Hoseok, who didn’t even ask for my affection.  So I have to stay away for both our sake.”

    It sucks, but you don’t doubt sunshine boy will bounce back. You’re merely another side note in his novel of a life after all. “Have you decided what to do yet?” Yoongi asks, looking over the pamphlets. “They have tablets that are supposed to reduce hanahaki growth, but they aren’t a permanent solution.”

     “There are only two solutions to hanahaki disease: death and surgery.” Tears well up at the thought. Neither option is preferably, especially since you know first hand the consequences behind them.

        “I hope you aren’t seriously thinking about death. I mean I get that you love Hobi, but it’s only a feeling. It’s not worth your life.” Yoongi says, his dark eyes pinning you with a look. “Besides it’s not like you two can’t be friends afterwards.” 

   Your lips curl into a bitter smile at his words. Memories of a vacant stare and careless question of ‘who are you?’ flash before your eyes. Yoongi’s naivety is not his fault. The horrors behind hanahaki surgery are such that even doctors belittle its effects. After all who wants to hear that the person they loved will be forever erased from their memories?

     And  like that night three days ago you confide in Yoongi about your horrible truth. “Hey Yoongi…have you seen someone go through hanahaki surgery?”

      Three hours later Yoongi stumbles home wanting to throw up. Your words play like a never ending loop in his head gripping tightly to his heart. ‘My parents suffered through Hanahaki disease when I was little. My mother died from it and my father forgot everything.”

  His knees buckle as he steps inside the frat house. For once it is silent. No one up playing video games in the living room, no loud music blasting, or groups of people conversing simply silence, something Yoongi can’t tell if he’s grateful for or not. On one hand he could use the distraction-the noise to blare out your tearful story, whereas on the other hand Yoongi’s glad no one is around to see him like this. 

    “Fuck.” he whispers to no one. “Fuck. Fuck..Fuuuuccck.”

He’s haunted by the calm expression on your face as you whispered. ‘Everyone thought my parents had a happy marriage. After all, my father loved my mother and she always smiled but I guess not all smiles equal happiness…my mother loved someone else. Who? No one knows. She never gave any indication of fancy someone other than my father. No one knew until I found her propped up against the toilet, roses sprouting from her lips like some macabre painting.“

  Seven. Seven fucking years old when you found your mother dead, yet you spoke as if she simply gotten a cold. If he didn’t know any better Yoongi would’ve thought you to be soulless. However the orchids clamouring out of your own body only proves  how much of a heart you did have. “Hey, man is everything alright?” Hoseok’s voice comes, as he steps into view.

    He’s dressed in his normal sleepwear, a white t-shirt and boxers cladded in cartoon birds. His hair is disheveled which normally meant he was sleeping, if not for the purple bruises decorating his neck. Anger flashes through Yoongi at the sight. Soo-min must be over, that fucking bitch. “Fine. Sorry for waking you up.” 

     “I wasn’t really sleeping.” Hoseok shrugs.

“I’ve noticed.” Yoongi says dryly. Logically the blonde knows it unfair to be mad at his friend. It isn’t Hobi’s fault you fell in love with him. Nor his fault that he loved Soo-min…but Yoongi can’t help himself-especially since Soo-min  replaced you. (You might’ve gotten over her bullying you, but Yoongi hadn’t.)

     “Ah yeah, Soo-min got a little wild. She’s never been this possessive before.” Hoseok laughed. “If making her jealous is all I got to do for sex like that, I’ll have to do it more often.”

   Yoongi didn’t even bother faking a smile. Hoseok already knew how much he and the rest of the guys hated Soo-min. “Whatever you say, just keep it down okay? I have a math test tomorrow.”

     Hoseok nods. “Of course. Sleep tight Yoongs! Don’t let the bedbugs bite.”

 “That’s the stupidest shit I’ve ever heard.” Yoongi grumbles, walking away. Hoseok’s laugh echoes down the hall as Yoongi heads to his room. It is not until he falls back onto his soft bed that Yoongi allows the final tidbit of your confession to play.

  ‘Forget. That’s what the surgery makes you do. It doesn’t only erase emotions of love, it erases all memories pertaining to it as well. When my father returned from his surgery the first thing he said to me was, ‘who’s kid is this?”

  Forget or die, two shitty options for someone who already had it shitty. Yoongi closes his eyes thumbing the pair of keys belonging to a certain roommate of his. Slowly he slips the key covered in mickey mouse prints off. There isn’t much he can do to help you make your decision,  but perhaps Yoongi can make life a little easier for you. 

      A week passes from that day and Hoseok can’t ignore the gnawing feeling that something is wrong. He knows your guy’s friendship has ended, but the cherry haired boy can’t keep his distance. Not when every cell in his body screams for him to fix this somehow. 

      After three months of fake dating you somehow became a permanent fixture in his life.  He misses teasing you about your bad breakfast choices, or forcing you to eat an actual meal instead of coffee for lunch. He misses the way you listened to him, barely muttering more than ‘uh huh, ok, yeah’; it always seemed like you weren’t listening until you surprised him with a question or comment. 

   Hoseok just misses you period.

Which is why he decided to give your friendship one more shot. Surely if he misses you this much you feel the same. Memories of your callous words from a week ago come to mind tormenting his fear, suddenly Hoseok feels like he can’t breathe. You said he annoyed you, that you were tired of him, but that was just because you were scared of losing him to Soo-min? Once you see how genuine he is, you two will go back to being friends. 

     "I don’t want your stupid apple. I’ve already eaten. ” Hoseok perks up at the sound of your voice. He’s been sitting on the steps of the language building for the past half hour waiting for you. Your name dances on the tip of his tongue. Eagerly he opens his mouth to call out to you but freezes  at the sight of a familiar blonde walking beside you. 

      "A gogurt and a cup of coffee doesn’t count as lunch, dumb ass. Now eat the apple, it’ll help you from getting sick. “ Yoongi says, shoving the red fruit into your hands.  

     Something within Hoseok twists, he finds himself nearly doubling over in pain. A dark ember burns in his stomach, suddenly Hoseok wants nothing more than to punch Yoongi. "She hates apples. ” Hoseok can’t help but inform. “It’s her least favorite fruit. ”

   Both you and Yoongi jerk surprised by his presence. As if on instinct Yoongi steps forward blocking your view from him,  it causes Hoseok’s blood to boil more. “Hey Hobi, waiting for Soo-min?” Yoongi asks nonchalantly. 

     Hoseok bit his cheek suddenly remembering Soo-min has a class right before yours. The two of you share the same major meaning your schedules often coincided. He walked you to class everyday just to show off your “relationship." 

       "Something like that." 

    "Cool. See you at home I guess.” Yoongi nods, pulling you with him towards the door. You barely even glance up at Hoseok as you’re led away. 

    Again something twists violently in the pit of his stomach and the question, 'are you guys together,’ slips through his teeth before Hoseok can stop. The two of you freeze, Yoongi’s fingers tightening around your wrist. Suddenly Hoseok doesn’t want to know the answer.

     "Something like that. “ Yoongi replies, dragging you into the building. 

    Three weeks go by since your 'break up’ with Hobi, and ironically, you find yourself in another fake relationship this time with Yoongi. Unlike your previous pseudo-relationship this one contains nothing more platonic love. There are no fake dates or pet names. Yoongi doesn’t treat you like some girl he’s in love with. Instead he forces broth and anti-growth pills down your throat only to hold your hair back when white petals flow back up from it. He shields you from Hoseok,  Soo-min and the judgemental glances of the world, protecting you from harm. No, Min Yoongi is a god send, but you aren’t in love with him. 

    Sometimes you wish you were though. Loving Yoongi sounds easier than loving Hoseok, but that could simply be wishful thinking. After all, Yoongi and Hoseok are two different elements. Hoseok is the warm sun melting away all your defenses, while Yooongi is a winter’s breeze offering relief from the sun’s rays while fortifying your protection. "So the date has been set. A week from now I’ll have the surgery and this will all be over. ” you announce, ignoring the painful ache in your chest 

    The idea of forgetting Hoseok scares you. You don’t want to forget him or the way he’s made you feel. As selfish as it sounds Hoseok is the first person to show you affection in years. Your family basically ostracized you after they discovered your father’s amnesia. While he could learn to love you again the possibility of him remembering your mother ran too high. So instead you lived as his niece with an aunt and uncle who despised you, because you looked like your mother. 

     Yoongi nods, glancing over at the calendar. He can’t help but frown at the date circled in red. “I know this is the only viable solution, but I feel like I should ask you if this is what you really want?”

   "No, but I don’t want to die either.“ You say softly. "As much as I want to hold onto these feelings of love, they don’t really belong to me, you know? Hoseok loves Soo-min. They’re her feelings not mine. ”

    Yoongi’s frowns. “Soo-min only loves herself. You know it,  I know it, and deep down Hobi does too.”

  "Maybe but it doesn’t change a thing.“ You murmur, eyeing the date. Your grip tightens around the mug you hold.  You don’t want to admit but you’re scared; scared of waking up the exact person you were before Hoseok: cold, intruding and alone. 

  Yoongi shoots a knowing glance. "Something else bugs you, doesn’t it? ”

   You take a sip of your tea. “ Don’t worry. It’s stupid stuff. " 

    It’s three days before your surgery that you see Hoseok for the first time in a month. Logically you know you should avoid him even if the appointment is less than forty-eight hours away. However you find yourself staying at the coffee shop, eyes unlocking from the cherry haired boy.  'Just one more glance.’ You assure yourself. 'Something to carry with me onto the operating table that’s all I want. ’

     But it’s more than one glance it’s several long stares, watching as the boy talks animatedly amongst his friends. He looks so happy right now practically glows like the sun. The sight is so beautiful it causes your heart to bear faster. This is what you wanted to see. Hoseok happy and carefree even if it is without you. 

   You smile, ignoring the painful pulse your heart gives when the Hanahaki’s vine squeezes around it. This is how things are meant to be. Hoseok deserves a life filled with equally bright people. He deserves happiness in every form. You aren’t.

     A content sigh escapes you. You swore to Yoongi, you accepted the surgery with no regrets, but that was all a lie. Seeing Hoseok like this though, so free and unaffected by your absence, you can finally let go of the little doubt holding you back. 

    "Order for (Y/N)!” The barista calls out sliding your drink across the counter. 

  You cringe at how loud they are; internally hoping that Hoseok hadn’t heard your name.  Seeing him from afar is dangerous enough, if you actually interacted with him…  You push the thought out of your head, quickly exiting the cafe, completely unaware of the eyes following you. 

   "You okay man? You’ve been staring at the barista an awful lot. “ 

    Hoseok blinks, tearing his gaze away from where you stood. The moment you walked into the cafe Hoseok could only focus on  you. It is like everything else disappeared except for you.  "Yeah I’m fine. " 

"You sure? Because if you like the dude that much, I can get you his number. ” Another, Jo Kwon teases. “Though I think Soo-min would kill both of us- wait! Isn’t that (Y/N) up there? Didn’t you two used to date before you and Soo-min got back together?”

     Hoseok nods barely listening. His focus once again on you, this time watching you leave. Neither Dino or Jo Kwon knew about the dumb deal or how sweet Seoul University’s Ice Queen really was.  While they are good friends, they were nowhere near close enough for Hoseok to feel comfortable sharing his secret. 

  "Gotta say you must’ve been really off your rocker, Hoseok. Dating such a scary girl. “ Dino snorts. 

   "Seriously, I heard (Y/N) got arrested for murdering her parents, but since she was a kid no one believed she did it.” Jo Kwon says. “You know someone should warn Yoongi-hyungnim about her. They’re together now aren’t they?”

    "Something like that…" Hoseok mutters. His chest burns at the mention of Yoongi and you.  While you refuse to even look his way, you have no qualms hanging on Yoongi’s every word and move. It is like Yoongi’s the sun and you’re the earth orbiting around him- it pisses Hoseok to no end and he can’t explain why. 

   "Maybe he just figured she’s an easy lay. I mean a girl like her is probably desperate for attention. She’s probably spreading her legs for anyone who looks at her-“ Hoseok’s fist hits Dino’s face before either one can process what is happening.

  The younger boy falls to the ground with a loud crash, causing everyone to stare at them. "What the fuck man!? You just hit me. ” Dino sputters wide eyed. 

    "And I’ll do it again if I ever hear either of you talk about (Y/N) like that again.“  Hoseok threatens. The anger within him is uncontrollable. He can’t explain it. Especially when it is not only Dino and Jo Kwon who pisses him off, but Yoongi too. Just the mere sight of the blonde sickened him nowadays. 

   "You’re crazy man. She’s a freak and she made you one too!” Jo Kwon says.

  Luckily, all it takes is a warning look to have them scrambling out of the coffee shop. “Assholes.” Hoseok mutters, ignoring the still plentiful stares at him. He reaches for his coffee only to pause when his stomach turns suddenly. Annoyed Hoseok pushes the cup away. He must be getting sick.

   Word of the fight spreads across the campus like wildfire. Fury does not explain the anger Soo-min feels when she hears about her boyfriend’s outburst. In all the years she dated Hoseok never once did he get offended for her sake. Boys literally listed off her body count at parties and Hoseok merely shrugged asking Soo-min. 'why does it matter when everyone knows you’re mine?“

    Mine. The claim used to send shivers down Soo-min’s spine. Yes, she was his. Just like how she owned him. They were meant to be no matter how many times they broke up. It didn’t matter if Soo-min decided to date around a little, because Hoseok would wait for her.  

   At least so she thought until one day Hoseok ended up on the arm of her biggest enemy. Originally Soo-min assumed he simply wanted her jealous- a clever ploy really, after all wherever she went you two appeared. Three weeks later though, you started wearing Hoseok’s hoodies. After that Beta-Tau-Sigma invited you to their house, a privilege which took Soo-min months to achieve, but the real straw to the camel’s back happened when Hoseok threatened her. 

   The cherry haired boy who cared little about gossip finally spoke out against it and not for her sake.  In that moment Soo-min realized the relationship between Hoseok and you ran deeper than she assumed. For the first time in her life,  Soo-min felt threatened in Hoseok’s and her relationship. So she ended it.

   With a bat of the eyelashes and the purse of her lips, Soo-min took back what was hers. Once again Hoseok and her were together while you cried your ugly heart out. Everything went back to normal. Except it didn’t. 

     Hoseok refused to leave you alone. He was determined to have some sort of relationship with you, despite now being with her. Not even you dating his own best friend stopped Hoseok’s unsettling obsession with you. 

   "I don’t expect you to understand, but (Y/N) is someone special to me. I can’t just let her go. ” he told her one night. 

  He was right. Soo-min didn’t understand. Nor did she want to. What Soo-min wants is you gone.  “(Y/N) (L/N), you fucking slut! Stay away from my boyfriend!” She hollers, charging after you. 

    You stare at her confused. The sight spurs her rage more so. How dare you act clueless! As if you don’t know what you are doing? She pushes past the throng of students cornering you against a tree. It’s just her no posse unlike last time. Not that Soo-min needs one to kick your ass.

   Since elementary school, she has worked to put you in your place. The only difference now is the strange attachment Min Yoongi has towards you. Last time he stopped her from teaching you a well deserved lesson. Today however he won’t be able to save you.  “I’m not in the mood Soo-min. ” you mutter, walking around her. 

    She grabs onto your hair yanking it. A small gasp escapes you as you tumble onto the ground. “Well I am. So you are going to listen to me and listen real good you got it?”

       "Fucking psycho. “ you spit.

   Her hands twist, tightening the pull on your hair. You reach up trying to pull away, but Soo-min’s stronger.  "Me? Psycho? No no you’re the heartless ice queen here. You might’ve tricked Hoseok and everyone else into thinking you’re some innocent little girl, but you and I know the truth. You are unlovable.”

     You let out a loud laugh surprising her. “Again with that hanahaki shit? You and our family have been holding that over my head for fifteen years.  My father’s disease wasn’t my fault. Nor was it my mother’s. ”

  Taking Soo-min off guard, your right leg sweeps back, knocking her off balance. She loses grip on your hair allowing you to push back. You stand towering over her. “Love is an uncontrollable force. You can’t choose who you love. Just like you can’t choose who loves you back.”

    Soo-min snorts. “What do you know about love? Your mother chose to love over her daughter, and your father chose life over you too. Meanwhile Hoseok only used you to get me back. He never loved you and he never will-”

    A small cough breaks through her rant. One tiny hiccup like cough that normally would go overlooked if not for a single orchid petal escaping your lips. She freezes eyes locked on the white petal. 

     "You…“  She hardly managed to say the word when you turn tails running. 

     Her body moves on its own chasing after you. She doesn’t want to admit it. Doesn’t want to acknowledge it but Soo-min’s scared. As much as she hates you, you are still her cousin. It doesn’t take long for her to catch up to you. Out of the two of you, she’s always been the more athletic one. Moreover thanks to the disease, you hardly make it  a few feet before heaving a basket of flowers up. 

    Soo-min stares at the blood soaked plants in horror. Full stems. You are throwing up whole plants. "You are dying. ”

     The words come out more blatantly then she intends, but you snort nonetheless. “Yeah, I am. Don’t celebrate yet though. I’m getting the surgery.”

       "You. You are in love.“ She continues speechless. 'But how? I mean who? Is it Hoseok?”

    "Yoongi.“ You correct quickly. "I’m in love with Yoongi. He ah he doesn’t love me though. He loves someone else so we broke up.”

   "Oh.“ Her throat tightens around the word. For the first time ever Soo-min does not know how to react. Deep inside she wants to reach out, comfort you, scream at Min Yoongi until she’s blue however she can’t. Not only does Soo-min know you won’t accept it, but there’s still something within that holds onto her parents’ prejudice 

     "Does he know?” Soo-min asks. 

You shake your head. “No. Nor does he need to. In two days this will all be a forgotten memory.” 

     Soo-min frowns. Her heart squeezes pain at the thought. It’s funny she’s always wanted to see you suffer, but not like this. Despite being little during your parents’ illness Soo-min remembers clearly everything that happened. From the hole your mother cut through you and your father’s heart to her uncle’s empty expression after the surgery. More than anything she remembers her warm fun loving cousin falling into herself. The person who was once her best friend suddenly distanced herself from everyone including Soo-min.

    It is a memory that stirs up something within Soo-min, she hasn’t felt in a long time…: guilt.

[lawyerd]

This obviously isn’t the way I expected things to end, but, as I’ve been alluding to all week, today I am officially finished with law school!!

Thanks to everyone that joined me on this journey. I saved this URL in the spring before my 1L year, after spending months flipping through other studyblrs and feeling motivated and, frankly, in love with the aesthetic. I started off taking a bunch of photos and saving them to my drafts, thinking I’d only ever really “launch” this blog if I amassed enough content first, since I knew I’d be too busy to actually update it daily without some kind of backlog of posts. That plan went out the window sometime in November of 1L when I accidentally hit “post” instead of “save to drafts” and this blog was officially born.  

This blog was a little light for me throughout law school, but especially during 1L. Spending 15 minutes a day to do something as little as arrange my books and edit a photo gave me a break when I most needed it. During 1L, I was still struggling to meet my friends, so interacting with the online grad and law school communities made me feel supported and encouraged. I feel like I answer less question now than I once did (is this because people have stopped asking or just because I’m tired LOL there’s no way to know), but I loved sharing a little bit of insight into what my experience was like and I was surprised to see that nearly 40,000 of you were interested in hearing it. 

My blog has changed over the last few years, from a focus on hand lettering, something I’ve always loved but that’s time-consuming and inappropriate for legal notes, to quicker and easier photos of what I’m reading, eating, drinking, enjoying and well, looking at. I hope the shift hasn’t been disappointing haha. I feel like it happened pretty casually. I think the stress of law school has helped me to slow down in my personal life and find enjoyment in, well, at the risk of sounding cliche, the little things. Waking up early enough to truly enjoy a cup of coffee before school or work has become a singular pleasure, as has a nice, fresh pastry and long, comforting novel. 

This slower lifestyle seems well-suited to COVID-19, and I guess in a way, I’ve been lucky in this moment that so much of my own joy has always derived from being in my own home, but the world still feels terrifying and isolating and it’s a strange time to graduate, and a stranger time still to celebrate your own accomplishments. 

I think I enjoyed law school a lot more than much of the online law school community, but man, I’m happy it’s over. I met some of my best friends here and had some truly fun, goofy, incredible times, but I also developed both high blood pressure and an anxiety disorder solely from school-related stress, gained and lost weight every few months in a cycle, lost more sleep than I can possibly convey and strained a lot of my personal relationships at various points. I feel physically exhausted and as though I’ve really dragged myself across the finish line here. 

I keep finding myself tearing up. This is huge, guys. I decided I’d like to be a lawyer when I was like 11 or 12, but I never thought I’d do actually do it. I don’t know. Maybe it’s just been life-long imposter syndrome. I’m the first lawyer in my family, which is in and of itself a hurdle, and I feel like I faced constant financial and familial hurdles throughout. I didn’t get into those here, but trust that they were many. These past three years have been the hardest of my life for more than just school-related reasons. I know I have a lot of younger followers in high school and younger, so I suppose this is my very corny, but absolutely heartfelt message to you to follow your dreams. It’s not always easy, but you can do it. 

So, next steps - first, a short break, unusual for law grads who usually immediately have to take the bar. I was initially devastated at the bar’s postponement, but I’m trying to take advantage of the delay to heal myself a bit, hopefully, while working on some pro-bono COVID-related projects. Then, I’ll study the delayed bar (fingers crossed that it isn’t pushed back further) and, eventually, become a lawyer.

Thanks for joining me on this ride  ⚖️

Xxx Kit 

[thekidultlife]

IT'S OUR 2ND ANNIVERSARY! 🎉🥳🥂

@Authors' Note: This is Leanne and Hyeri's story. Please bear with us as we try to reminisce over the past years and celebrate where we are now as writers, as friends, and most especially, as individuals who have grown a lot and changed a lot through the years.

Warnings: Contains a semi-reveal of what we actually look like in real life lol so if you’re interested, keep reading down lol.

We started this blog in 2017. We deactivated in 2018, just weeks before what was supposed to be our first anniversary. We stayed silent throughout the rest of 2018 and 2019, but we picked up where we left off this 2020. Despite the messy history of this blog, though, and the changes in our lives, we are extremely happy that we did come back. And the reason why we came back? Well, it’s pretty simple. 

The same love for SEVENTEEN, which made us start this blog, brought us back again.

We’re not lying when we tell you that this blog was what made us closer and what our friendship grow deeper. 

Back then, we were just classmates who found common interests in each other (history, writing novels, analyzing politics, and being one of the ‘Big 3′ in our class lol) but didn’t know how to bond over these interests. But when we both started sharing a room in a dormitory close to our university in 2017, things changed. And things changed because we both found SEVENTEEN. 

LEANNE: I wasn’t really a K-pop fan during that time. But I remember sitting beside Hyeri at our study area, watching her as she watched DWC and thinking to myself, “Maybe this could be it. Maybe this could be the ‘thing’ that we could bond over and could make our friendship grow. And so I leaned over and asked, “Oooh, which group is that?” What followed then was a night where I became a convert, and SVT became a part of me forever. 

After that night, we found ourselves always talking about them because they became the thread that made us close. And while bonding over SVT, we started to become more open about our lives and about ourselves in terms of personalities. We didn’t know why but we just clicked. Before we started becoming really close, we had different sets of friends. But then, we just knew that our friendship was different because we truly understand each other. 

HYERI: I wasn't a Kpop stan before either. Like if my high school me knew I'd become like this, she'll cringe in embarrassment. But it happened. A friend recommended me to watch React to the K because I'm a huge classical music nut, and I discovered Seventeen there. I seriously can't remember that exact moment when Leanne asked, but I do remember that one time when I showed her the dance practice for Aju Nice. It was one of the first things I showed to her, and then without knowing, we've already watched a lot of Seventeen videos. 

Whenever I look back at that time, I just remember how happy we were even though it wasn't really a good moment in our lives. There were a lot of stress and problems, and everything just seemed to spiral down from there. But I just feel a warm feeling in my chest whenever July and August comes, I smell the rain, and remember how many nights we spent binging on Seventeen, talking inside the nearby 7/11 until 1am, knowing that classes were cancelled the next day because of the weather. It was truly a magical moment for me because I never had a friend like Leanne, like sometimes we just have the same thought patterns, and we bonded over Seventeen so much. We would just talk endlessly about them, brainstorming ideas for fics and so on to the point that we only stopped because the 5AM alarm went off lmao Those times were just absolutely incredible.

LEANNE: We also have kind of the same goal back then: to have a platform where we could practice writing. Hyeri suggested that we try creating a blog for fanfiction. I agreed because I truly wanted to try and I was so obsessed with Choi Seungcheol back then. So we planned our first fics, who posts first, and we created it. Just like that. On August 12, 2017, we made our first post.

Our first name was “diabolically-diamondiferous”. We wanted something different (and we now admit that we did go overboard with the bing different thing lol) and so we agreed that this would be our URL. We chose it because of the concept that there is a duality in this blog that readers should look forward to, a dynamic that they would only see here, I guess? That was the goal. That was how it all started. 

HYERI: I was a Wonwoo stan back then. I had already written Love is A Fallacy and a bit of 30 Nights before we even created the blog, and I wanted an avenue where I can post it. I admit I myself can't think of a better url than "diabolically-diamondiferous", so I just went with it. 

Honestly, the blog has helped me a lot with writing. I used to write anime fanfictions and original stories, and I've already established my style back then. This blog has really helped me a lot with refining my writing style and experimenting with new ideas and ways to tell a story, as well as being able to write quickly. I do think I've improved with my dialogues and the way I pace my stories, and make them feel organic. And with that, I've never realized I've already written a lot, until I arranged the masterlist recently.

What began with a few stories turned into hundreds as we started pouring our hearts into this blog. And we would be lying if we told you that it was pressure-free. 

LEANNE: During this time, my responsibilities at uni, family and other personal matters made me unable to focus on the blog a lot. I really feel sorry for Hyeri during this time because she was the one who was more consistent with posting her stories. I joke every now and then these days whenever she couldn’t write that it’s okay, you once had too much weight and now I’ll carry my share and more, too, if it gets hard for you. Even though I was busy with other things, however, Hyeri really pulled through and made this blog come alive. And as a friend, she really helped me get through my darkest moments. This blog, too, became my crutch. Whenever my heart got broken, I would write here. I would try to find my voice (and at that time, I couldn’t find myself, either. Just ask Hyeri why, lol.) in writing. I was experimenting what voice I had while writing and what genre fits me. 

HYERI: Following Leanne's, I guess after our trip to Korea, things became way harder. I had a lot of low points back then as well: losing my scholarship and just so much responsibility in life and at school. I did carry much of the weight of the blog after that semester, and I'm surprised how I managed to do that. I kept on badgering Leanne to finish some requests, but she really had a lot going on as well. Not to mention our plans to join an exchange program to Korea which was another hell we signed up for. It was extra difficult because our department doesn't want us to leave, thinking we're just running away from the strict (and often unfair) professors (ironic when our major is International Relations).Seventeen and this blog was the only way we could bond together and have fun and just forget about everything. I could remember sending each other fake messages from Seventeen just to cheer the other up when things get depressing, or imagining what it would feel like to be an idol and whatnot. It sounds silly now, but that was the only way we could cope with how intense and exhausting our lives were. It was the only thing that kept the constant dread in our nerves from taking over.

What began as an experimental way to boost creativity became something like a career, and steering our motivation, was of course, the boys. Our boys. The amazing people that we write about and that we imagine about. They made us happy during the times when there was nothing to be happy about. They made us take risks that brought out the braveness we didn’t know we had in us, and they made us feel hopeful about the future. 

However, we hit a hurdle we couldn’t bring ourselves back from hurdle after hurdle during our second semester as juniors in college.  

LEANNE: Second semester of junior year in college was really hard for me. The bottom line of it all was the manipulative relationship that I was in with my s/o back then, but a lot of things piled up as well: school responsibilities (I was handling three classes at one point as a professor’s assistant and then ran for a student government position I didn’t really want but felt obliged to). All the while this was happening, I was really feeling myself slip away. I was suffering from depression but I had a lot of things going on around me that I could not just drop because people were depending on me. The only way I thought I would be able to not give up is by going somewhere else to finish my studies. Yes, the environment got that toxic. I really needed to get away. Around this time, I wasn’t active on the blog anymore. Right after elections, I lost my motivation to do anything. I would sometimes pitch in to help Hyeri with some requests, but it took way more effort than I thought it would. 

Hyeri and I decided that we needed to take the risk of applying for the South Korean exchange program, which was one of the best that our uni had to offer. We figured that since our grades were okay, it would be easy. Boy were we wrong.

HYERI: The Coldest Human, The Warmest Robot was the last fic I've posted in the blog before the hiatus. I couldn't do it anymore. There were so many problems and issues with the exchange program that I could no longer handle the blog alone. Leanne had withdrawn too, considering how she has her own things to face as well. It was a really difficult time. After being rejected a visa, I just can't think of writing, or even Seventeen anymore. Just their presence seemed to only remind me that I had been rejected after months and months of preparation. Their songs only reminded me of our disappointments. It was awful and I knew I can't face them at that time. I found myself in Taiwan. Alone. Leanne had stayed and it was depressing. I had to move on despite that, but it felt like an empty success.

We planned to become a part of an exchange program in South Korea, but it didn’t pull through at the last minute. We had staked all our bets, and we lost motivation in a lot of things. One of those things was this blog. We just knew that we had to let it go during 2018, because it was impossible to maintain it when you don’t feel inspired about life anymore. 

HYERI: The Coldest Human, The Warmest Robot was the last fic I've posted in the blog before the hiatus. I couldn't do it anymore. There were so many problems and issues with the exchange program that I could no longer handle the blog alone. Leanne had withdrawn too, considering how she has her own things to face as well. It was a really difficult time. After being rejected a visa, I just can't think of writing, or even Seventeen anymore. Just their presence seemed to only remind me that I had been rejected after months and months of preparation. Their songs only reminded me of our disappointments. It was awful and I knew I can't face them at that time. I found myself in Taiwan. Alone. Leanne had stayed and it was depressing. I had to move on despite that, but it felt like an empty success. Right after going back home for winter vacation, I remember I was angry crying because I knew Leanne can't do anything because of her circumstances, even if she wanted to go to Taiwan so much.

LEANNE: I was miserable during first semester as a senior because everything did not go as planned. I was really losing the resolve to keep going on because nothing had gone the way I had planned it to be. I think the only silver lining during 2018 was that my parents and friends finally stepped in to protect me from the person who had been harming me emotionally and therefore affecting my self-esteem and resolve. We also went to Macau, where I really healed a lot as well while teaching music with close friends from church. But beyond that, I could see no other way to get through the last semester except to follow Hyeri and go to Taiwan. It wasn’t just her friendship that I was missing; it was also about that goal I had in my mind: to find peace and quiet away from everything that had hurt me and drained me.

We didn’t have any high hopes about what lay ahead, but the biggest plot twist came.

LEANNE: By some miracle, I managed to convince my parents that I was well enough to go to Taiwan and that I would be safer there. It all happened so fast. February I was still crying, standing at the train tracks, telling our other friend that I wanted to just end it. But then March came and my visa got approved on a Friday. Three days later, just packing whatever I had with me in my apartment, I left for Taiwan.

It was a miracle Hyeri and I still talk about a lot. We started to heal from everything that we had gone through. We started to re-explore our friendship and in the end, after so much drama and after so much challenges, we finally concluded that this friendship of ours was really something that we wanted to keep forever. We grew a lot through the years.

HYERI: Who would've thought that with a lot of begging and pleading and praying, Leanne was finally able to go to Taiwan. I was so happy. It was one of the happiest memories of my life so far. Being in Taiwan, away from the world, from the responsibilities back at home, it was such a liberating time.It was also the exact period which we started to heal from past disappointments. Seventeen no longer gave me the pain I used to feel, and to this day, You Made My Day---the album which was released before everything happened, and reminded me a lot of what had transpired---is one of my favourite Seventeen albums.

But here we are now, in 2020. It was really because of Hit the Road that we decided to come back. We agreed to start writing again come June 2020. We started doing what we loved again. 

HYERI: We had fully healed from everything and we're fully ready to come back to writing about our precious boys! I am so happy to be able to finally celebrate the actual anniversary for this blog!

LEANNE: And now, here we are, celebrating our anniversary! The first one we really had! This is all impromptu editing but we really wanted to make it special. 

Highlights Throughout the Years:

💎 Love is A Fallacy (Lawyer!Wonwoo)

The first ever fic I've written for SVT. I remember I wrote this while I was at the dorm on my bed, it was a miraculously stress-free night. The song I kept on playing was "20" and I could imagine it being the OST if this was a kdrama 😂 This was at a time when Wonwoo was still my bias.

💎Adagio Cantabile (College Student!Jihoon)

A fic I first wrote after Jihoon became my bias. I could still remember, I was so inspired by a fic titled Customer Satisfaction, that I wrote this one. Plus I'm really into Classical Music, that I could just write one whole fic about it. I'm still amazed how we were able to write fanfiction even though we were swamped with school work, and I mean, SWAMPED, like a lot of exams, graded recitation, things to memorize, super long essays, but we still managed to write. 😂

💎Saffron (Victorian AU DK)

This was written shortly after Leanne and I went back from Korea. I was so blissfully happy back then. I think I've spent a night or two writing this. This was heavily inspired by the game "Chocolatier" which I was playing days before I've started writing 😂 I really love writing for DK, he's such a positively innocent character who was so endearing.

💎The Coldest Human; Warmest Robot (Android!Jihoon)

This was probably the last one shot I've posted before the hiatus in 2018. I remember finishing it in my hometown when we went there for summer vacation. It was a really bad time ngl I lost my scholarship and was supposed to go to an exchange program to South Korea with Leanne. Back I didn't know if I could support that dream financially.

💎The Most Convenient Escape (Soulmate!Jihoon)

This was the first fic I've written after the hiatus. Truthfully, over 2018-2019, I lost my love for SVT. It was painful to be reminded of the fact that we weren't able to go to Korea, so I avoided them while I was in Taiwan. But I came back around this year and started to write this one. It's heavily inspired by the book "Voices of the Past" which is a compilation of American newspaper articles over the years, and anime reviews which talked about Deconstructing a genre (i.e., Madoka Magica and Evangelion). Right now I really do want to finish this series.

Highlights Throughout the Years

💎The Return of Superman Series

My first work, TROS Seungcheol, was the first fic in the entire blog that I was truly proud of. All my other works were too rushed, too experimental for my own taste even, and just doesn’t look like what I, Leanne, if you personally know me, would write about. I strongly believe that there is a unique voice in each story, a voice that belongs only to its writer, and back then, I was still trying to find that voice. The Return of Superman was my breakthrough in writing. I suddenly found an AU that I truly loved to write about, and, most importantly, my voice in writing.

💎After-Party, Only Us, and Afterglow | Yoon Jeonghan

This is the spin-off series that came from Yoon Jeonghan’s The Return of Superman. I started to become more comfortable in my style of writing as I wrote these. You will notice a change of style after the first part, “After-Party”. My writing style has matured, and I really congratulate myself a lot for that. It took me years and tons of experiences to get that flavor I had always wanted in my works! Haha. 

💎The And Series

This is another one of those imagines that really brought out the hopeless romantic inside me, and for that, I am proud of it. It’s still mostly in the works, but I  am really happy about how it’s turning out.

💎Through the Seasons Series

Ah, this is my pet project. All my heart is poured into this one. This is the first series that I truly explored the beauty of love in realistic settings. My writing process here is done by looking at real couples LOL and also tapping into beautiful memories of mine about love and about life and all the drama that comes along. I’m really glad that a lot of our new readers liked the first one that came out!

Our story-time ends here. 

All in all, we just want to say thank you. Thank you for everything. For being with us through this crazy ride of a blog, truly, sincerely, thank you. From our followers since the beginning, to the new ones that we are finding joy in communicating with now, thank you. From the bottom of our hearts!

LET’S MAKE MORE MEMORIES TOGETHER!

- Leanne and Hyeri. 

[jeannereames]

Hello, Dr. Reames! I love your work (and am very excited to read your novels very soon!). I am thinking of doing a phd (not history or classics, but maybe sort of related to Alexander) but I'm scared that I'm not going to have the motivation to go through with the whole thing... Do you ever lose motivation and get discouraged when researching/writing and how do you deal with it? I know that this is completely unrelated to Alexander/ancient history so feel free to ignore it☺

Hi, there! This reply is going to be in 3 parts. First, about my own motivation…

I think everybody (even Alexander!) has periods of feeling discouraged. It’s part of being human. This is especially true when something you put days, weeks, or sometimes *years* of effort into doesn’t work out, or isn’t well-received, or comes back with “revise and resubmit.” Ha.

So, real life recent example:  About a year and a half ago, I finished an article that took me (literally) 5 years to research and write, because it combined research into two different areas, only one of which is my research area. It took a huge amount of reading, and I’d even presented it at a couple of conferences, where I received good feedback. It was supposed to be published in conference proceedings, but that fell through (not my part of it, the entire publication didn’t happen because the editor quit). So I had to shop it around to journals. It went out to three readers, and all three returned it with “Revise (substantially) and resubmit,” + large *additional* bibliography (mostly not in English) in the area not my field. Two of the readers thought my chief point was valid, but needed more support. (The third just flat disagreed with me, but it’s academia; that happens.) But that was after it had been presented 3xs already, and revised after each.

OTOH, I was pretty discouraged. But OTOH, the suggestions and reading lists were helpful. These are blind reviews, so it wasn’t personal. And the entire point of peer review is to help a book or article improve. Lord knows, nobody wants to put out something that will get you laughed at. But after all the time I’d already spent on it, it was still really discouraging as I’d thought it in pretty good shape.

Almost everybody in academia is going to have an article or three turned down, or a book refused, etc. And after a while, it can be really hard to keep trying. And it’s not just in academia.

Do you know how long it took me to sell Dancing with the Lion? 15 years! I got my first serious query from an agent in 1996. (The first words of the novel were written in December of 1988–that’s how old it is.) That agent eventually decided it wasn’t for her. I’ve had a couple others since…same thing. I’ve sent out probably around 500 queries to agents or publishers. In fact, I’d put the book AWAY and started a completely different trilogy (which I’m in the middle of now), because I figured it would only sell later.

Then I happened to read comments about Madeline Miller’s A Song for Achilles written by an English professor and new acquisitions editor at Riptide. She liked it, but there were a couple of things she really didn’t like. And they were the very ways (I thought) my novel was different. So I emailed her. She asked for sample chapters, then the whole thing, and finally, Riptide offered me a contract. They’re not a major press, they’re a Romance publisher primarily, but they were willing to take a chance on my coming-of-age historical, so I grabbed the opportunity. Now the book is out (well, the first half is), and it’s getting pretty decent reviews.

So persistence can pay off.

That said, if someone else had told me that story 10 years ago, I’d have snorted and said (in my mind), “Maybe it did for you. Maybe I’m just a bad writer and I’ll never succeed.” I’d also just been through a divorce and was having trouble selling my house in the housing bust, etc., etc. So a lot of things in my life were pear-shaped at the time, and that can make it really hard to keep trudging.

The “Dark Night of the Soul” is a real thing, and we all go through it.

The only way I get through it, myself, is to remember things in the past that went well, times I succeeded. Plus, I’m just a really stubborn SOB. Ha.

But discouragement is normal, and there will be points in everybody’s life where not just one or two things are going wrong, but it seems as if EVERYthing is going wrong and you’re just a total failure. You have to believe it’ll get better.

Now, part #2, about motivation to complete a degree. It’s a bit like the AA motto: one day at a time. Or really, one semester at a time. One hurdle at a time. When I first got to Penn State, the long, long road ahead made me freak out a little, but Gene Borza (my advisor) told me to take it in bites. And to remember that other people had made it through; I could, as well.

Also, don’t let yourself get thrown by “Imposter’s Syndrome.” This is the feeling that you don’t belong somewhere: in grad school, in a PhD program, in a department (or really, ANY arena). You’re not as good as the others. Minorities, women, and first-generation college students are those most likely to suffer imposter’s syndrome, but it can hit others too, such as the children of academics (I’ll never measure up to mom/dad), etc.

Last, part #3, and this may seem an odd coda to all the above rah-rah cheerleading. But as a (now former) graduate program chair, I would be terribly remiss if I didn’t put out a warning.

Not only is the field of humanities in trouble right now, in the US and Canada, and elsewhere, too, but the entire university system is changing. This latter is especially true in the US, but I hear rumblings from other places. Partly, this owes to the rise of online education. But even more, it’s what I call the “Wal-martization” of the university, where tenure-track lines are being replaced by a bunch of part-time instructors who have to teach 6 classes just to make enough to EAT. “Adjunct” professors, even those with PhDs, are paid a pittance. It’s absolutely immoral and ridiculous.

Universities are turning into profit more than education, with a degree seen as “job training” instead of learning to think critically and exploring Big Questions, which are increasingly viewed as a waste of time. Administration levels are increasingly bloated with deans, assistant deans, supervisory boards, etc. They’re (mostly) not teaching, but their paycheques are high. Tenured faculty positions are being eliminated. Colleges and unis realized that they could turn over a lot of (especially intro and survey) courses to part-time instructors for a *fraction* of what they paid tenured and tenure-track faculty, but still reap high tuition.

When I was finishing up in the ‘90s, I was teaching as an adjunct while writing my dissertation, then for a bit after, as was expected for “teaching experience” before being hired. The phenomenon of the “Visiting Assistant Professor” (or VAP) was *starting* to gain traction, but was still usually just a year or two until these people would find a tenure-track position (VAP is not tenure-track). But now, I know people who’ve been VAPping for YEARS. And some just give up. Also, adjuncting like what I was doing has gone from “teaching experience for a real job” into “the only lane for employment” for a lot of PhD (and some MA) graduates. Especially women PhDs get caught in that trap.

These are the realities of where we are right  now.

And THE MOST USELESS DEGREE ON THE PLANET is a PhD in the humanities. I say that as one who holds it. With a few exceptions, a humanities PhD prepares you for pretty much one job: being a professor. And those jobs are winking out of existence with frightening speed. This is a change that has accelerated over the last 10 years, and especially over the last 5. We’re turning out PhDs with no available positions. Museum studies, Classics, archaeology, philosophy are in even worse shape. SOME history PhDs are more popular. This year, H-Net has a bunch of Latin American positions open, for instance.

An MA in history (or related) is still useful. There are certain jobs that like them, ranging from state jobs like the Park Service to the FBI and CIA.

But a PhD? Think loooooong and hard before investing that time and money. This is not a matter of *you* not being able to do the work to get one. It’s a matter of the university system as we’ve known it crumbling away under our very feet. I have no idea what the American university will look like in 10 years. And once you have a PhD, it educates you out of most other jobs.

So that’s the unfortunate bad news. And I’d be a very irresponsible advisor if I didn’t tell you the truth. IME, people who really want a PhD will ignore me and go after it anyway. But at least you’ll go in with your eyes open.

[strangevoyages]

Very cool of you to start this! I was wondering... as someone who would like to publish a traditional novel someday (romance, if that helps) and was wondering if you could outline the publication process for novels? It's a little intimidating for someone like me and I would really appreciate the clarity. Thank you!

Hi there, thank you so much! :) And okay, I’ll do my best to outline how it generally works:

Traditional Publishing

Step 1) Complete your novel.

Step 2) Edit and revise your novel to the best of your abilities! You only get one chance to impress an agent (the next step) and you want to start with your best foot forward. Do not send an incomplete or unpolished manuscript: it must be as close to the finished product as you can get on your own! If you feel you need help, shop it around to people you trust (friends or family, creative writing workshops, writing partners, mentors or professors, etc). Professional and freelance editors (like me!) are also always an option if you need an experienced second pair of eyes!

Step 3) Find agents whose work you love. The best way to do this is to go to your favorite novels (preferably in the genre you want to publish in), turn to the back of the book, and find the agent of that novel’s name in the “Acknowledgements/Thanks” section. Look them up and read carefully to see if your story fits the kind of work they read and are looking for. 

Step 4) Write a query letter. This is possibly the most intimidating aspect of the publication process because many authors love to write fiction, but don’t love to write about themselves and their work. The query letter is essentially the marketing or elevator pitch to give an agent a preview of what to expect in your work (and is your chance to intrigue them). There’s a wealth of resources out there on how to write a query letter, and here are some of my favorites:

How to Write a Darn Good Query Letter

How to Write the Perfect Query Letter

Query Letters

Samples of Query Letters

The long and short of it is, query letters contain your book’s introduction and stats (what its word count is (), what its genre and title is), its summary (picture what its blurb would be on the back of the hardcover copy and write that), your credentials as an author, and why you’d like to work with that particular agent. 

Some other tips: don’t let the letter extend beyond one page. Agents (and editors) appreciate conciseness, not least because they’re busy and it shows your skill as a writer when you condense important information into a small space. Don’t oversell your work. NEVER describe your book as “the next Harry Potter” or “the masterpiece of our time” or whatever. Let the agent decide that for themselves! But don’t undersell or self-deprecate, either (“you probably won’t be interested in this, but I thought I’d give it a shot...”). It can be hard to have confidence in your writing, especially when entering the pro arena, but you need to inspire an agent’s faith in you as much as in your work (without exaggerating or boasting!)

Step 5) Send your query letter and manuscript to the top 5 agents you’ve been looking at. Sending too many will be overwhelming (and many agents hate “simultaneous submissions,” where you send copies to multiple places at the same time) and sending too few would be putting all your eggs in one basket. 

Be careful to read exactly how each agent would like to receive your manuscript! Some only accept physical copies in the mail, in manila envelopes; some only accept attachments by email; some only accept PDFs and not Word and vice-versa! If you don’t follow their submission guidelines, you often won’t get a second chance or a courtesy reminder. 

Oh, and format your manuscript according to their instructions. If there are no specific instructions, it’s always best to have your novel in standard manuscript format. Shunn’s guide to story formatting is a bible in this industry, so following those guidelines will make you look professional. Please avoid kooky or unique fonts as well: you may think it helps you stand out, but speaking from experience, most agents/editors really hate this!

Step 6) Wait. 

Some agents have a projected time of response to get back to you (“if we don’t get back to you within 8 weeks, we are declining to represent your work”) on their website. Some don’t, and you’ll just have to wait (sending a follow-up query 6-8 weeks after sending your manuscript can be reasonable unless their website asks you not to do this). 

If those top 5 agent don’t get back to you (or decline to represent your book) don’t be discouraged! All the greatest writers of all time struggled to find their agents and publishers at first. J.K. Rowling suffered through “years” of rejection from agents before she finally found one to represent Harry Potter, and even after that was rejected by 12 publishers (many very rudely!) before someone wanted HP. So send your manuscript out to the next five and keep going!

Step 7) An agent wants your manuscript. 

Ideally, they’re over-the-moon in love with it: you want an agent who’s passionate about your work and will shop it tirelessly to their connections in the publishing industry. 

(I feel I should add: do not send your work to or proceed with any agent who wants to be paid to represent you, or who charges a fee to read your work! This is a scam! Like sports agents or real estate agents, literary agents only take a cut of the profits after they’ve sold your book to a publisher. (Usually around 15%, though this could be higher or lower depending on the agent). This way, they’re motivated to sell your book for the highest rate possible, because they only make money from it then, too! If they want you to pay them out-of-pocket for anything, be extremely suspicious!)

After you’ve met with your agent, agreed to work together, and signed a contract (always read these carefully or get a lawyer to look over them), your agent will probably give you some tips or requests to polish your manuscript up even further before sending your work out. After this is done, they’ll shop your manuscript to the publishers they think will be the best fit for it!

Step 8) An editor at a publishing house reads your manuscript and falls in love with it. 

This is the dream! There will be some negotiation, and this is where your agent comes in: they will protect your rights and negotiate with the publisher on your behalf to get as high of a selling price for your novel as possible. The publisher will often pay you an advance (an initial lump sum for the book) and will then usually offer you a percentage of the first sales after tax (say 10%, though depending on your publishing history or type of book or a whole slew of factors, you may get a higher/lower percentage or none at all). Your agent will guide you through this process and explain everything, so I won’t get into much more detail beyond that. 

Step 9) You accept the terms of agreement with a publisher, and the book goes to their editing team: AKA your new editor. 

You will likely go through several months or even years of editing with your editor’s feedback. A good editor won’t change your vision of your work drastically, but you may have to rewrite whole sections of your book to improve pacing, cut out unnecessary plot lines, and etc. Be patient with this and be flexible: your work isn’t perfect (no one’s is, not even after publication) and your editor knows what they’re doing. However, you do also have power here and can push back if there’s something you feel extremely strongly about changing. 

Step 10) Your book is on the way to publication.

Now it’s just a waiting game. Your agent (or you) might ask other authors to be advance readers for your edited manuscript: these are the people who give the quotes and blurbs on the back of the books--the ones with glowing praise!

Depending on the publishing house, you may get some input on the cover and design of your book, or you may not. Your agent/publisher may also talk to you about foreign translations and licensing, etc.!

Step 11) Your book is published!

It took a while, but you made it, and now your book has hit the shelves (or the Internet, or both). Not counting the time it takes to find an agent, the whole process takes a minimum of a year to... well, I won’t regale you with the authors who took ten, fifteen, twenty years to get to publication, but needless to say, it’s a slow-moving process. 

Getting an agent is arguably the hardest part (once you get one, they really do most of the work for you), and if you’d like to skip this hurdle, there’s always chancing submitting your work straight to the publishers. However, for the big publishing houses, this option has an extremely low chance of success, to put it bluntly. Unless you’re submitting to a very small independent publisher or what’s known as a “vanity press”, almost all major publishing houses nowadays don’t even look at books without agents, and those submissions get lost in slush pile hell.  Agents are the first barrier to publication, and once they’ve vetted your book and found potential in it, publishing houses are more comfortable with reading a manuscript that they’re more sure won’t “waste their time.”

Of course, if you don’t want to split your profits with an agent, there’s always self-publishing! But since this post is getting so long, I figure I’ll talk about that another time. Thanks for the great question, and I hope this helped! (And good luck with your romance novel(s)!)

[bookaddict24-7]

MUSIC MONDAYS:

A series where I recommend a book, review it, and create a short playlist to give a sense of what the book is about.

This review may contain spoilers.

Disclaimer: I received a copy via Edelweiss in exchange for an honest review.

This week’s feature is a book that had me on all kinds of emotional roller coasters. On one hand, I was a naive reader and I thought I knew what was best for the characters, but on the other hand, I was also a frustrated reader because of the protagonist’s at times naive behaviour. But I learned quickly that this book wasn’t just about the awful events that Mafi’s character’s suffer, it’s about finding and believing the hope that not everyone you meet is going to be a jerk; it’s about finding a reason to hope that perhaps certain people deserve more credit than we initially give them. 

A Very Large Expanse of Sea by Tahereh Mafi is a powerful story set in 2002, one year after the events of 9/11. While there have been many novels about the after-effects of that tragic day, Mafi manages to write a memorable novel about a teenage American Muslim girl trying to find her path in a brand new high school. Shirin is pretty sure that the best way to protect herself is to expect the worst from the strangers around her. After all, they judge her when they first meet her, right? Until one boy seemingly doesn’t and his interest could offer Shirin a new perspective. What could happen if she allows herself to fall for someone the rest of the world doesn’t see fit for her? What could happen if her protective walls start to come down? 

There is absolutely no doubt in my mind that I really enjoyed this. Hell, I will be recommending this to the readers coming into the bookstore until I go blue. But, with that being said, this wasn’t a perfect read. I’ll get my big negative point out of the way so I can fangirl about the things I did love about this book. 

My biggest concern is the portrayal of Ocean. While I can see the way his imperfect character learns some vital lessons due to the way he is portrayed, I am also slightly disappointed that he was shown as such a “perfect” white male character. He was a very good™ character, despite his troubled past. It’s literally one of his characteristics. While I can understand the importance of having someone who sees the world that way Ocean does in a book like this one, it was done in a very unrealistic way. No one is that naive, especially in 2002. Even those who hope for the best from humanity have to have seen the tension growing in the States between the different citizens. I am privileged because I did not experience the wave of hate that came on the heels of 9/11. However, my mother dated an asshole before she met my stepdad and he was from NYC. When he was visiting us here in Canada, he yelled some pretty racist stuff to people who were minding their own business. 

I personally didn’t experience the hate so many lived with in the early 2000′s and the hate that so many still live with now, but in that brief moment I saw how someone that I once thought was cool could hide such a darker side. It was a lesson I never forgot and I can still remember where we were and how he looked yelling that disgusting crap out of our car window. 

My point with this digression is that while I can understand Ocean’s purpose in this book--because Shirin is understandably jaded and careful and we need a character to show her that hope still exists--but his over-the-top naïveté and wishful ignorance made it hard for me to completely fall into the story whenever his “goodness” was mentioned. 

For all of his annoyingly chipper behaviour, Ocean does grow in this novel. He learns to hope, but it comes at a price. While I wasn’t a fan of how he is presented in this novel, I did feel for him and his experiences. Having your positivity thrown in your face isn’t a great experience. 

With all of that being said, however, the rest of the book was just incredible. At first, I didn’t know how to feel about Shirin. I will admit that I became a victim of my own opinions and tried to place my expectations on her. She was a very careful character who knew her own world much better than I did. I fell into the trap of expecting certain things from her, but was happy to experience Shirin’s growth into a character far beyond what I expected her to be. Don’t get me wrong, Shirin was at times naive not unlike Ocean. However, he expected the best and she expected the worst. This at times also grated on my nerves because I wanted her to at least try. 

One of the great things I loved about this book was how Shirin grew to have hope. In a story where so many bad things happen to her because of who she loves, what her beliefs are, and how she looks, it’s incredible to see her grow into a person who is ready to take on the future. Also, I admired how important it was to her to remain true to her identity. She didn’t let the bullying, or the anger thrown at her dissuade her from her beliefs. 

Another interesting point was the comment on how fickle young minds can be. It’s interesting because of how true it is to see how some teenagers follow the pack mind, but most move on until their actions become a regrettable memory. There’s a point where Shirin even comments on how weird her classmates are when their opinions waver and change in certain situations. Even this message gives the reader a sense of hope because it shows that swaying public opinion isn’t as impossible as we might think it is. 

Also, I’m just throwing this in here because it’s still a point of interest in 2018: the double-standard on how boys are raised compared to how girls are raised. The leniency that Shirin’s brother is shown in regards to dating, going out, and the rules is staggering in comparison to Shirin’s own rules. Thankfully, it wasn’t an impossible hurdle for Shirin’s story, but it was something mentioned and I wasn’t entirely surprised to see that we’re still struggling with this today. 

One other topic I want to mention before I finish is that of Shirin’s parents. The differences between immigrant parents who’ve strived for a better life for their families and the children who grew up in the new country was not lost on me. Shirin’s allusions to her parents’ dark pasts made me incredibly sad for Shirin and her brother. I personally believe that everyone has their own struggles. It doesn’t matter how large my struggle is compared to the next person--everyone has a struggle. To tell your children that their struggles aren’t important or as impossible to overcome because they didn’t grow up in a war-torn country is deeply disheartening. Especially when those struggles include racism and physical abuse at the hands of people full of hate. Like many other things in this book, this broke my heart. 

Putting aside all of the sadness, this was a beautifully written book. I fell in love with Mafi’s writing through her middle grade series and I was a tiny bit hesitant going into this one. I was very happy to see that I still enjoy her writing!

 But like other important Young Adult novels coming out recently, I think this is an important book to read. It may not be set in our present time, but it is set in one of the most recent dark times in our history. Racism is always a dark subject to read about, but it’s also something that needs to be talked about. Mafi’s book is something that everyone should aspire to read, if not for the incredible messages of hope and growth and understanding, then for the jarring realities of what it was like to be a young Muslim woman in 2002. 

My Rating: ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️.5

Age Recommendation: 13+

Genres: Contemporary, Romance, Racism 

Add it to your Goodreads here.

See the playlist on Spotify here.

The Playlist & Why I Chose this Music:

1. What A Wonderful World by Louis Armstrong

This is the kind of song that is played when we want to remember that though the world may look like crap, there are still things and people who are worth the fight to make the world a better place. Also, this song goes back to the theme of hope. 

2. Don’t Phunk With My Heart by The Black Eyed Peas

So, because this is set a year before I started high school (it’s...been a while), I went ahead and reconnected with a bunch of songs from my teenage years. Anyway, the lyrics to this song remind me of Ocean’s struggle in trying to get Shirin to admit she’s into him. That boy’s heart took a beating in this book. 

3. Lose Control (FT. Ciara & Fat Man Scoop) by Missy Elliott

Shirin and her brother are badass breakdancers. If you’ve ever heard this song, then you know that the lyrics and the beat will immediately make you want to dance. This song connects us to Shirin’s surprisingly fun and cool side. 

4. What You Waiting For? by Gwen Stefani

While one of the songs chosen was for Ocean’s poor heart, this song is for Shirin’s scared heart. She wants something that she’s afraid will destroy her world, but she has to be prepared to take a chance first. 

5. White America by Eminem

This song is pretty self-explanatory. I know this is a controversial choice, but I honestly thought of this song first when it came time to choosing a playlist. Eminem’s lyrics and uncensored observations touch on some of the issues explored in Mafi’s novel. 

6. No Surprises by Radiohead

There’s a moment in the book where we get to see some of Shirin’s music. This song was on the playlist she had created and I thought it was fitting to include it in my fan playlist. I always like including songs that the characters themselves reference. 

7. Mr. Brightside by The Killers

This is all of Ocean’s sunny disposition and his unrealistic expectations of the world around him. While the lyrics themselves don’t correlate with Ocean and Shirin’s relationship, the ironic title of the song and the darker undertones of the seemingly chipper beat shows that things aren’t always what they seem. Ocean learns a lot from his experiences and this song shows a man who is learning to not be Mr. Brightside.

Have you read this book yet? Would you recommend it?

Happy reading!

[7r0773r]

Love, Dishonor, Marry, Die, Cherish, Perish: A Novel by David Rakoff

It was close and convenient, his spare midtown rental. And after, more drinks at a bar near Grand Central To sit once again in uncomfortable silence Like two guilty parties to some kind of violence. They sipped among other oblivion seekers, While June Christy sang from the bar’s tinny speakers. He settled the bill and they got to their feet, And emerged from the afternoon hush to the street. 

They walked arm in arm in some crude imitation Of other real couples en route to the station. Such leisurely strolling, although it’s grown late Against her best judgment it feels like a date. His booze-cloud blown over, now happy, near beaming  He stops at a window of cutlery, gleaming, He points out the wares, taking note of a set that He likes best of all, then he says, “We should get that.” She knows it’s a joke, all this idle house-playing But briefly she hopes that he means what he’s saying. Her presence, she thinks, is what’s rendered him gladder But really it’s just that he aimed for, and had her. The hideous reason behind his new glow is What Helen—and many just like her—don’t know is 

That men’s moods turn light and their spirits expand, The moment they sense an escape is at hand. He patted her cheek as he said, “I’m replenished,” Then off through the crowd for the next train to Greenwich. 

Helen pictured his house with its broad flagstone path. The windows lit up, a child fresh from the bath, And wondered if she might just smell on his skin, The coppery scent of their afternoon sin. At her desk the next Monday it was business as always. There were no words exchanged, not a glance in the hallways. With relief, Helen thought, Well that’s that. Nevermore. ’Til Friday (again) at his pied-à-terre door.

***

“Joshua, Susan, dear family and friends, A few words, if you will, before everything ends And you skip out of here to begin your new life As happily married husband and wife. You’ve promised to honor, to love and obey, We’ve sipped our champagne and been cleansed with sorbet All in endorsement of your Hers and His-dom. So, let me add my two cents’ worth of wisdom. Herewith, as a coda to this evening historical I just thought I’d tell you this tale allegorical. 

I was wracking my brains sitting here at this table Until I remembered this suitable fable. Each reptilian hero, each animal squeal Serves a purpose, you see, because they reveal A truth about life, even as they distort us So here is ‘The Tale of the Scorpion and Tortoise.’ 

The scorpion was hamstrung, his tail all aquiver. Just how would he manage to get ’cross the river? ‘The water’s so deep,’ he observed with a sigh, Which pricked at the ears of the tortoise nearby. ‘Well, why don’t you swim?’ asked the slow-moving fellow. ‘Unless you’re afraid. Is that it, you are yellow?’ ‘That’s rude,’ said the scorpion, ‘and I’m not afraid So much as unable. It’s not how I’m made.’ 

‘Forgive me, I didn’t mean to be glib when I said that, I figured you were an amphibian. The error was one of misclassification I mistakenly figured you for a crustacean.’ 

‘No offense taken,’ the scorpion replied. ‘But how ’bout you help me to reach the far side? You swim like a dream, and you have what I lack. What say you take me across on your back?’ 

‘I’m really not sure that’s the best thing to do,’ Said the tortoise, ‘Now that I see that it’s you. You’re the scorpion and—how can I say this?—just … well… I don’t know I feel safe with you riding my shell. You’ve a less-than-ideal reputation preceding. There’s talk of your victims, all poisoned and bleeding, That fact by itself should be reason sufficient. I mean, what do you take me for, mentally deficient?’ ‘I hear what you’re saying, but what would that prove? We’d both drown so tell me, how would that behoove Me, to basically die at my very own hand When all I desire is to be on dry land?’ 

The tortoise considered the scorpion’s defense. When he gave it some thought, it made perfect sense. The niggling voice in his mind he ignored And he swam to the bank and called out ‘Climb aboard.’ 

The tortoise was wrong to ignore all his doubts Because in the end, friends, our true selves will out. For, just a few moments from when they set sail The scorpion lashed out with his venomous tail. The tortoise, too late, understood that he’d blundered When he felt his flesh stabbed and his carapace sundered. As he fought for his life, he said, ‘Please tell me why You have done this, for now we will surely both die!’ 

‘I don’t know,’ cried the scorpion. ‘You never should trust A creature like me, because poison I must. I’d claim some remorse or at least some compunction But I just can’t help it. My form is my function. You thought I’d behave like my cousin the crab But unlike him, it is but my nature to stab.’ 

The tortoise expired with one final quiver And then both of them sank, swallowed up by the river.” Nathan paused, cleared his throat, took a sip of his drink. He needed these extra few seconds to think. The room had grown frosty, the tension was growing, Folks wondered precisely where Nathan was going. The prospects of skirting fiasco seemed dim But what he said next surprised even him. 

“So what can we learn from their watery ends? Is there some lesson on how to be friends? I think what it means is that central to living A life that is good is a life that’s forgiving. We’re creatures of contact, regardless of whether To kiss or to wound, we still must come together. Like in Annie Hall, we endure twists and torsions For food we don’t like, and in such tiny portions! But, like hating a food but still asking for more It beats staying dry but so lonely on shore. So we make ourselves open, while knowing full well It’s essentially saying, ‘Please, come pierce my shell.’ So … please, let’s all raise up our glasses of wine And I’ll finish this toast with these words that aren’t mine: Yet each man kills the thing he loves, By each let this be heard, Some do it with a bitter look, Some with a flattering word, The coward does it with a kiss, The brave man with a sword!” 

Where first it seemed that Nathan had his old resentments cleanly hurdled, The air now held the mildest scent of something sweet gone meanly curdled. The thorough ambiguity held guests in states of mild confusion No one raised their eyes, lest a met glance be taken for collusion. Silence doesn’t paint the depth of quiet in that room There was no clinking stemware toasting to the bride or groom. You could have heard a petal as it landed on the floor. And in that quiet Nathan turned and walked right out the door. 

The urinal’s wall was The King and His Court, A work done in porcelain, precisely the sort Of tableau of gentility at Le Petit Trianon, A cast of nobility, designed for the peeing on. Nate turned his gaze as he hosed down the scene, It seemed an especially brutish and mean Treatment of all the baroque figures in it (Such unlucky placement, poor girl at her spinet). He needed this pit stop before he took off To go catch his train, when he heard a slight cough. 

There, twisting a swan’s head in gold for hot water Was Lou, who had bankrolled this day for his daughter. Lou had scared Nathan for all of the years He was with Susan, and now the sum of his fears Was here, now the chickens had come home to land. “The man of the hour, with his schvantz in his hand.” Nathan started to say that he knew how he blew it And how he was sorry, but Lou beat him to it; Lou, who was blunt—some said boorish—and rich. But a mensch deep at heart, said, “My Suzy’s a bitch. You’d think that today I’d be proud, that I’d kvell, But I followed you out here just so I could tell You: she told her friends she would be able to get You to come give a toast. It’s a monstrous bet, Made all the more awful that her Day of Joy Was still incomplete, and abusing a boy In a trick was the thing that she wanted above All else. It’s the mark of a girl who can’t love. Ach, Nathan, this day is a stroke of bad luck. You, cast in this play, and then played for a schmuck. But think of it this way, she’ll wake up tomorrow And still be unhappy. And that is my sorrow.” 

Lou turned off the swan’s head, once more checked his tie, Held his arm out and said, “This is good-bye.” He shook Nathan’s hand and then made for the door Where he paused and he turned to say just one thing more. “That toast, if you give it again (but you won’t), Remember, Nate: turtles swim, tortoises don’t.”

[anime-matchmaker-blog]

1/12 Can I please have a KnB matchup with a guy? I'm 5'3, a bit skinny, with black hair and eyes and wearing eyeglasses 'cause of my poor eyesight. I'm pretty simple, always likes to wear shirts/blouses and jeans to go out. I'm Aquarius, INFJ, with a hypersensitive personality and mild social anxiety. For my positive traits, I'm very considerate and thoughtful to other people, like I always filter what I say depending on the mood and situation, and I always look out for others. I'm the youngest

2/12 in the family, so it makes me really happy when I can also take care of other people, especially when I’m treated like an older sister and depended on by those younger than me. I’m a generally sweet person, on my own will I tend to do little things for other people so they would be spared from the burden. I’m very passionate when it comes to the one thing I love and am very loyal to it. I have a childlike personality, like I’m literally a kid when it comes to speaking and acting (although

3/12 I’m way too old). But deep inside I’m actually a deep person, and a mature thinker and feeler. For my negative traits, I’m too perceptive about things to the point of being somewhat cynical and, sometimes, untrusting. I always think behind the motivation of a person in doing something, whether they do it out of pure kindness or they’re just trying to show-off - although it’s not always a malicious thought, sometimes it’s just a casual passing thought.

We go the other parts but not copying them here because of length ^^;; Sorry for taking 5ever with this, but I hope you’ll like your matches! C:

Your matches are…:

KurokoTetsuya (Kuroko no Basuke): Being a rather introverted personhimself, Kuroko understands where you’re coming from. Having seen you in classbefore, he knows bits and pieces about you, but those tidbits of informationdon’t even scratch the surface of your personality. Kuroko’s gotten multiplechances to observe you and you seem like a very nice person. Your considerationand thoughtfulness of others is heartwarming and given the chance, Kuroko wantsto help you out too. It might be from a misplaced notebook, a dropped pencil,or a forgotten schoolbag, but whatever it is gives Kuroko the opportunity toreturn it to you and to exchange words with you for the first time. Yourshyness is the first thing Kuroko notices and it’s evident from your tone ofvoice. He won’t push you to converse with him if you don’t want to and willsilently disappear into the background. If it doesn’t look like he’s making youuncomfortable though, Kuroko will greet you every then and now when he seesyou.

Most of the time when he catches a glimpse of you, it seemslike you’re alone, which further piques Kuroko’s interest. After seeing you a fewtimes, he’ll approach you, wanting to get to know you a bit better. Silence isn’tanything new to Kuroko though, and your awkwardness won’t be something thatwill bother him. It’s more likely that if the awkward silence that hangs in theair bothers you, Kuroko will takethat as a sign of him bothering youand leave you alone. If you inform that that’s not the case then, Kuroko willhappily stay to converse with you. School is the only common topic there is totalk about, but that’s a pretty boring area of conversation. Kuroko will askyou about your hobbies and at finding out you enjoy reading novels, ask youabout your favourites while discussing some of his own, and even ask you forrecommendations. Hearing you talk so excitedly about your interests showsKuroko a more outgoing side to you that further heightens his interest in you.

Seeing how you’re a loner makes Kuroko want to spend moretime with you, not wanting you to feel lonely but upon you divulging you likeyour alone time, he’ll promptly give you that. Kuroko isn’t a clingy person atall and he understands the need to be alone at times. If you do want to talk orseek his company, all you have to do is let him know and if he’s not busy with basketball,he’ll happily spend some time with you. With Kuroko’s friendly personality, hewon’t be a hard person for you to get along with at all and his morals alignwith yours also. He’s nice to generally everyone he meets and treats peoplewith respect, unless they do something that hurts his friends. Seeing the samefrom you only serves to make him more enamoured with you.

Your childlike personality is also seen as cute in Kuroko’seyes especially since it contrasts with your mature thinking, which Kurokoenjoys since he can have all sorts of discussions with you. He’ll definitelytake the challenge of trying to get you to open your heart up to him and tolisten to you pour out your heart to him. He wants to understand you and helpyou through life’s many hurdles. Your single-mindedness is something thatconcerns Kuroko, considering how it can lead to obsession, which he considersto be a negative thing. Being passionate is a positive thing, of course, butfocusing solely one thing so intently doesn’t seem healthy. It’s a bitreassuring that your attention and interest can be swayed/shifted easily, butit still concerns Kuroko, and when he notices you being so focused on one thingto the point of obsession, he’ll caution you to take care of yourself, andmaybe try to step in and intervene if needed. He doesn’t want to bother or tellyou how to do things but sometimes he might not be able to help it. He knowsyou don’t listen or take well to having others tell you what to do, but thatwon’t stop him from suggesting things to you every once in a while, especiallyif it’s for your health and wellbeing.

Kuroko will also try to motivate you to step out of yourcomfort zone. It might be hard but he’ll reassure you and be there with youevery step of the way. It will be hard to get through life avoiding everythingyou’re not comfortable with after all. Kuroko isn’t great at motivationspeeches or anything like that, but he’ll try his best to encourage you. Asmuch as he knows the joy of fantasy, escaping reality isn’t a good copingmethod. Worrying too much will also cause you unneeded stress, and while heunderstands having worries is a part of normal life, Kuroko will also attemptto calm you down and talk you through your worries so that they’re notburdening you. Your moodiness and irritability might cause some problemsbetween the two of you too, since Kuroko is more of a calm person and dealingwith an emotional person isn’t his strong suit. Being given the cold shoulderand silent treatment when things don’t go as you want them too will merely strengthenthat rift too. Kuroko knows you can be childish but that might just be too muchfor him to take and he too will grow annoyed. You not apologizing (first orotherwise) will heighten the problem, though given some time, Kuroko willapproach you to try to talk things through, including your inability toapologize. If deep down you care, then you should be able to muster some formof apology. If it’s your pride being in the way then Kuroko will sincerely hopeyou can break through that barrier. As much as he loves you, he can’t be theone to apologize first every single time an argument or conflict arises.

Though not much of a fan of movies or anime, Kuroko wouldn’tmind watching a few with you (though you would like it if you came to a few ofhis basketball games or practices in exchange) just because they’re somethingyou’re interested in. Reading books together would most likely be his favouritepastime with you.

KoboriKoji (Kuroko no Basuke): Being a foot taller than you might makeKobori appear intimidating and he doesn’t exactly come off as friendly either,but with his rather calm personality and preference to stay out of thespotlight, he would be a great match for you. He isn’t the type to randomlyapproach people without a cause and is more likely to watch from afar, which ishow he’ll notice you at first. You don’t really stand out amongst the otherstudents either but Kobori’s managed to notice your acts of kindness towardsothers and how helpful you are too. It’s actually quite heartwarming repeatedlyseeing you helping out your underclassmen and Kobori can’t help but think ofyou as a sweet person. Your shyness and introversion does make itself known tohim since he hardly has heard much from you and normally when he sees you, whenyou’re not helping out someone, you’re by yourself somewhere. A few times,Kobori has considered approaching you but never does, thinking he’d be disturbingyou.

His chance of speaking with you comes in the form of youboth being asked by the teacher to carry a stack of books back to storage.  It’s not a far walk and Kobori offers to takeyour stack too. Considering he’s a starter on the basketball team, he’s certainhe can hold both with little problem, but you refuse. He doesn’t know what elseto say after that and idle chatter isn’t something he’s good with. He triesthough, and awkwardly asks you about how class is for you. It’s more of aone-sided conversation on his part and it’s actually kind of a relief when youtwo arrive at the storage and can finish the job. Though that first interactionwasn’t the best, if Kobori somehow manages to meet your gaze whenever he passesyou in the hallways or on school grounds, he’ll greet you. It’s his teammatesthat actually encourage him to talk to you again (though its mostly Kise andMoriyama) after hearing about you from him.

Your quietness makes it hard for Kobori to try to strikeup a conversation with you, and Kise’s advice definitely are of no help forhim. He does try to ask you about your hobbies though, and while at first itdoesn’t seem like there are anything you two have in common, Kobori asks youmore about the kind of anime you like to watch and the books and manga you’reinterested in. You might find his questions to be suspicious and think he hasulterior motives but he sounds genuinely interested. A few of the titles youlist to him, he’ll actually check out given that he has time after doinghomework and practicing basketball, an the next time the two of you converse,he’ll bring up that topic and let you know his thoughts on the books/anime hemanaged to check out. It actually surprises Kobori quite a bit at you becominga bit more talkative but it’s certainly something he welcomes. It’s rather cutehow you seem to brighten at talking about your hobbies. He also finds itendearing how you sound quite formal but are childlike in personality but can bemature and deep when it comes to certain topics and discussions. It’s actuallypretty interesting chatting with you at times.

Those sort of conversations breaks the ice between youtwo and eventually Kobori finds it not as hard as before to approach you andstart a conversation with you after the initial greetings. He doesn’t pressureyou to converse with you if you don’t want to and can be rather observant attimes, so he’ll leave you alone if it seems like you’d rather be by yourself.He isn’t much of an outgoing person so he understands needing time and space toyourself. Kobori will try his best to understand you, or at least the parts ofyou he’s seen and knows, and if you decide to eventually open up to him, he’lllisten wholeheartedly to you, thinking it’s an honour for you to trust him somuch.

The more Kobori gets to know you and spend time with you,he finds himself starting to have feelings for you. Your kindness andhelpfulness to others is inspiring to him, your shyness and quietness can beendearing at times, and your passion towards the things you’re focused on ismotivating. That said, sometimes Kobori can’t help but find himself worriedabout you and feeling exasperated too. Your passion, which he looks up to youfor, makes him frown when he sees it turning towards the point of obsession.Having a one track mind isn’t necessarily a bad thing but when it turns to anobsession then there’s a need to step in. You being easily swayed and switchinginterests because of a short attention does seem to keep that obsession ontrack but Kobori can’t help but find himself being concerned for you still. Yourhypersensitivity, though a part of you, is something Kobori would like to helpyou change. It’d certain be a struggle getting through life being sensitive tothis degree, and while he understands it’s hard to not be hurt when somethingnegative is thrown your way, he’d still like to help you so that you won’tmisconstrue things and feel hurt when nothing was meant in a negative manner.He might not have any idea on how to do so but that doesn’t mean Kobori won’ttry. Drowning yourself in your hobbies and interests to avoid stepping out ofyour comfort zone can only get you so far in life, after all, and though you’dhave more worries and feel overwhelmed, Kobori would be by your side and try tohelp you. However, you not listening to other people’s words and only doingthings you decide to do might cause problems.

Kobori understands that your positive traits comes withnegative traits and he tries his best to deal with and live with them, but yourstubbornness at sticking with your own decisions and not changing your mind willsurely cause a rift between you two. He understands that you like to takeresponsibility for your own actions but that should stop at a certain point. Ascalm a person as Kobori is, this will get frustrating for him and arguments willlikely ensue. Your inability to apologize (first or otherwise) will definitelymake things worse, especially if you hold a grudge against him for trying togive you advice on what to do. After time alone for you both, Kobori likelywill approach you to try to solve the issues but there are only so many timeshe can do this before it simply becomes too tiring and frustrating for him. It’llbe up to you then to step up to the plate and apologize, especially if deepdown you care a lot. If you can put your pride aside and do this, it’ll helpKobori see that you’re trying to change yourself and he’ll happily come back toyou and offer a helping hand.

[seattleboundwritergrl]

And after four years in Seattle, Baby makes three…

July 5th will mark the 4th anniversary of our arrival in Seattle. I’m writing this in advance because I expect to be busy that day. I’m pregnant with our first child and due tomorrow. I suspect he’ll be a little late. In fact, he might even choose to be a week late and arrive on our Seattleversary. As much as I want him to come NOW (because I am anxious to meet him, pregnancy is pretty uncomfortable, and all of the major to-dos are done), that would be kind of perfect. It wasn’t until I was here, finally in the home of my heart, that I felt I could consider having a child. It was certainly something I longed for, just not something I felt was tangible for me.

I was thirty-three going on thirty-four when we left to Chicago area. I’d been married for almost four years to a partner that I could absolutely envision having a baby with—in fact I had envisioned it, the two of us with a little boy, so uncomfortably early in our relationship that it was one of those things I wrote in my journal and cringed at the thought of even my best friend reading. It was not something I’d ever discussed with my partner because it didn’t seem like it could ever happen. I’d put my career first, my writing, and it was not going as planned. I’d put out two books by the time we were married, but I was in no way earning a living off of them, or even the combination of books, freelance writing, and teaching writing. My main income was from bartending. I had the crappy in-case-of-near-death health insurance you get when you are self-employed. Neither of these things was conducive to pregnancy in my mind. Not to mention that other than having a great partner and great friends, I was deeply depressed. I’d gone from feeling somewhat content in Chicago in 2003 to merely tolerating it in 2006 to absolutely loathing it in 2012. I had not been a happy child there and would not want to raise a child there.

Right before we moved, two of my good friends had babies. As I held them, and especially as I looked at my partner with my friend’s brand-new son in his arms, my heart nearly burst with desire. Not that I told anyone. I wrote it in my journal, lamenting that it was probably too late. That I would just have to settle with finally getting out of Chicago and moving to my heart city. I didn’t know, after all, if Seattle would be different. If I would find work quickly. If I would still be struggling to cobble together income from different sources.

But Seattle was different. After six weeks, I got a job at a university, one I actually liked, even though it was full-time and meant a big shift for my writing. I also had great benefits, and as I recall, I used those to bring the idea of parenthood up to my partner. “Look,” I said, “I could have a baby and all the prenatal care and time in the hospital would be completely covered!” It was intimidating to have this discussion, to even admit that this was a thing I wanted—really, really wanted—even though I had never said much about it before. It was also intimidating to consider—the responsibility and especially the fact that as much as I wanted a kid, the cynical and damaged part of me had grave doubts about bringing one into the ugly, fucked-up world. Again, it was Seattle that changed my perspective. The beauty of this place that I used to regularly document and marvel at right here on this blog. It had been so healing for me, so transformative. It made me think that life could be good, that I could raise a child in a happy place instead of one that felt suffocating and wrong like the Chicago area had for me. Most important of all, my partner and I had taken a huge leap and done a Big, Scary, Seemingly Impossible Thing when we’d moved across the country. This made me feel like I could do anything.

We talked about it for over a year. I shed a lot of tears. I practically gave up when I saw that the cost of childcare was basically my take-home pay from the job that had made it all feel possible in the first place—the job I both wanted and knew I would have to keep. And then there was the fact that my partner had never seriously thought about this possibility, had always just assumed that it would be just the two of us and I would be as happy as he was with that. This was totally fair on his part since it had taken me years to confess this secret desire. We tried to set deadlines to make a decision. One loomed during our first visit to Mount Rainier and I have a horrible, tear-stained memory of the bumpy drive back down thinking that even though we’d just made one of our toughest climbs together, that we may never get past this hurdle. He seemed more on the verge of no than yes, and while I knew I had to honor that, I wondered—as did he—if I would ever feel whole in our previously near-perfect relationship again. I confessed a sappy secret: that I’d written the initials of the boy and girl names I’d liked in the sand next to a lake when I’d gone off alone. Though the conversation would go on for a few weeks longer, he would later tell me that for some reason that hit him hard. The idea of letting those initials go turned his pending ‘No’ into an ‘I’m still terrified, but okay, yes.’

There was another struggle to come, one that is too long to get into here and needs to be written in the proper time and place, but I’ll just summarize by saying that once we started trying, it took a year and a half to get pregnant. It was one of the most painful experiences of my life. I thought my depression was bad right before I left Chicago. This was worse. On par with (and also painfully interconnected to) how I’d felt in the aftermath of my sexually abusive relationship.

They say it happens at the perfect time, though, and it did. Also, somehow, despite month after month of thinking this and being disappointed, I really did know deep down that this was our month. We took a relaxing anniversary trip to the coast. I took the pregnancy test the day before my best friend, the girl of my heart, came to visit me in the city of my heart for the first time. I blurted, “Hi! I’m pregnant!” to her right as she stepped off the street car. It was a particularly joyous visit.

There are too many details about the pregnancy itself to get into here. I admittedly hated a lot of it—the sick, exhausted, painful parts—but I’ve been through a wide array of emotions that, again in the right time and place, I will document. (When one of your big personal hurdles to deciding to become a parent is “But the world is a pretty terrible place,” it is quite emotional to hear your baby’s heartbeat the day after instead of electing the first female president as you so deeply believed and hoped would happen, a racist, xenophobe who proudly committed sexual assault is put into office instead.) It’s been odd to me, the girl who has journaled everything since third grade, that I have barely documented this. I haven’t really blogged since before I got pregnant due to the aforementioned infertility-related depression, but I also haven’t recorded much in the beautiful pregnancy journal that I got for myself and I’ve gone days and weeks at a time without writing in the daily journal that I’ve kept for five years. A lot of this is due to exhaustion—working full-time while growing a human is intense!—but also because pregnancy is equal parts super slow and super  fast, or it has been for me anyway. I spent the first half waiting to feel better and also to reach X milestone that would make me feel more secure that this baby would be born okay (though as the daughter of a NICU nurse, I didn’t really feel okay until I hit 37 weeks). Then I spent the second half overwhelmed with all of the to-dos both baby related and not.

But here we are, the day before my due date, and a lot has been accomplished. Our house is as set-up as it can be (though not nearly as cleaned and purged as I was hoping). I’m as prepared as I can be for birth and a newborn (though not nearly as prepared as I would like to be as reading like writing went mostly by the wayside for me, so a lot of the books I intended to read are half or not at all read and I feel a bit like I’m about to take a test that I had no idea how to study for). And though I didn’t journal or blog, I did write. Once I hit my second trimester, I devoted 30 minutes each morning before work to chipping away at my novel—a very dark YA about rape culture, girl power and witchcraft set in the woods of Washington—and I came away with a 100 page partial and synopsis that I am very proud of and hope will sell while I’m on maternity leave. I trained my temp at work last week and just yesterday I finally finished knitting a big baby blanket and made my labor playlist which had been vexing me. Today, the first wave of visiting family arrives.

So I’m ready, though perhaps baby is giving me some time to reflect before he comes, which is nice of him. And maybe he will time his debut to match our Seattleversary in some way, whether arriving on that day or coming home the day we came home.

Because almost four years in, there is no doubt that Seattle is home. People asked, of course, as soon as we announced the pregnancy if we were moving “home” to be closer to family. Since I have such tough feelings about Chicago (not to do at all with family!), it took everything not to hiss and spit that I am home. I know it will be hard to do this without family around and I selfishly hope that my parents might retire out this way to be close to their grandchild. They also both understand that it was only possible for me to be strong and happy enough to do this, to have a child, in Seattle. My mom, the NICU nurse, has marveled at the medical care and options I’ve had out here even compared to her top-ranked Chicago hospital, like for example, the doula program at my hospital. Child care is going to be expensive, and like basically everyone who doesn’t work in tech, we are very worried about the steeply increasingly cost of living in Seattle. I’m not sure we’ll be able to afford to buy a house (though part of this is a Chicago problem—my inability to sell the house I have there before the market skyrocketed here). But I know we’ll make it work. The journey to get to Seattle, and to get to our family of three, has made me and my relationship with my partner stronger than ever before.

I look forward to year five in Seattle, our first year as a threesome. I hope to get back out into nature and to find a way either on here or elsewhere to do more reflecting on our life.

[danganronpasurvivor]

So how exactly are you making the game? Would it be possible for someone completely unfamiliar with making games to do? I know I've always wanted to be able to make a fan game but have had absolutely zero idea how

We’re making the game with an engine called Ren’py! It’s a totally free visual novel engine and it’s very very user friendly. They have a super in depth manual and there are a billion tutorials online, so you could make something fairly simple without any prior coding knowledge. It’s perfect for beginners and I like it a lot!

It’s only really for visual novel style games, but once you get a feel for it and learn more about how stuff works, it lets you do some pretty in-depth cool stuff! So you don’t have to worry about being too limited when you feel ready to try something more complex! It’s based on Python, so if you’re feeling it, and you really wanna learn your stuff, you can use a site like CodeAcademy to learn the basics of the language before jumping straight to making a game! (This is totally unnecessary, but it can be helpful if you’re having trouble understanding the tutorials and want to have more of a base knowledge of how things work. It’s also useful to do later on if you wanna do more complicated stuff)Now, I’m kinda answering this assuming you’re asking about programming specifically, but there are A Lot of aspects and things to think about when making a game. Stuff like art, and music, and writing, and sound design, and mechanics, it can get overwhelming really fast. Especially if you’re just one person, or working with a very small team. The fewer hand you have, the more time things take, and the longer you’ll have to wait to see results. It can be really easy to get discouraged or get lost in all that needs to be done. I’d go as far as to say that’s the #1 hurdle people run into when first trying to make a game, and it’s definitely something that’s made me abandon projects in the past. Unfortunately there’s no real way to avoid that feeling altogether, but you can absolutely push through, and there are ways to stay motivated! 

Telling friends about your project helps! Having people you can talk about it with, and who are excited for you, and are maybe even willing to lend a hang now and again, can be a huge motivator! Even if you just tell a couple close friends, having people to encourage you, can really save you when you wanna quit.I also cannot stress the importance of keeping your scope narrow. If things get too big, you gotta be willing to cut em. Keeping your project a manageable size is really really important, or else you’ll never ever finish, or worse yet; it wont live up to the Dream and you’ll feel really disappointed. It’s also really really important to break your project into smaller parts, and celebrate each time you complete a goal. When you have an Entire Game to make, things like finishing a background or writing a scene can feel like a drop in the bucket. But if you don’t pat yourself on the back for each step you take, it’s gonna feel like you’re going too slow and not making progress fast enough. Don’t sweat if you don’t always meet your goals either. Things go wrong, life gets in the way, and you wont always be able to stay on track. It’s good to strive for something, and to push yourself to work hard, but you gotta give yourself breaks too. It’s best to work at your own pace, because no matter what happens as long as you stick to it, you’ll get there eventually!ANYWAY THIS GOT REALLY LONG WHOOPS!!! That’s my answer to your question + some advice nobody asked for lol. I wish you the best of luck in starting your project though!!! And if you ever need any help with finding resources or things, message us off anon and I am more than happy to provide you with some of the years worth of various game making related links I have saved up lol. 

[sabersourcing]

‘Octane’ gas pump nozzle lightsaber | IMAGE CREDIT Wiley Abt

Star Wars fan Wiley Abt recently decided to convert a broken gas pump nozzle into a realistic lightsaber. Wiley set out to create a functional, trigger-style custom saber that lights up and makes sounds. SaberSourcing interviewed Wiley Abt about the quirky lightsaber project.

How did you come up with the idea to make a broken gas pump nozzle into a custom lightsaber? There’s a few answers to that, so I’ll just put them out in order: It started with taking the pump home just to take it apart and find out how it worked. I’m naturally curious about machines and such. Of course, in the back of my head through the disassembly process was a little voice saying “Make a lightsaber, just do it. It’ll be fun!” and once I had the thing apart I saw there was plenty of space for the electronics if I got creative.

I did have to drill a few extra holes, which you can see in some of the pictures, and find a way to get the speaker into the regulator cap, among a few other things. By the point I was thinking about all of that, I was invested and I just couldn’t let it go. I had to turn it into something usable one way or another.

Also in the back of my head was the idea of a “trigger saber,” something I had read about on Wookiepedia years ago, and then could never find again. As far as I know it’s not canon, but the idea was a lightsaber with a more unstable blade that could be turned on and off almost instantly, often for sneaky tricks in the midst of combat. While most of the sabers we see in the movies, Dooku’s in particular, have a dead man’s switch that turns off the saber when dropped, the trigger saber takes it a bit farther. That idea stuck in my head, and I tried to make it into a reality here. It didn’t quite work that way, but more on that later.

So I guess the short answer is that the opportunity presented itself, I had a random thought that stuck, and then I took the hurdles along the way as a personal challenge.

The Octane bears a passing resemblance to the Ezra Bridger lightsaber-blaster hybrid. Is the slightly similar appearance intentional or a coincidence? Purely a coincidence. The inspiration for this saber was wholly disconnected from Rebels, and I only realized the similarity much later when a friend pointed it out to me. I love Ezra’s first saber for a lot of reasons. I like the kit-bashed aesthetic of it, and I love the idea of a saber/blaster hybrid. That being said, I actually intended to not have the hand-guard at all in the first iterations of the design. Then I realized I needed the hand-guard for proper stability for the trigger, and to protect the trigger/plunger mechanism that pushes the internal switches. So, it wasn’t intentional, but I’m certainly not complaining, and I love the comments I’ve been seeing comparing the two.

‘The Octane’ gas pump nozzle lightsaber (left) and Ezra Bridger lightsaber-blaster hybrid (right) | IMAGE CREDIT Wiley Abt (left) and Lucasfilm/Disney (right)

How does the weight, maneuverability, and functionality of The Octane lightsaber compare with other lightsabers? Honestly, it’s hard to say. It’s very heavy compared to the other sabers I own. Unfortunately, you can’t choke up on the grip, or use two hands to mitigate the weight. Almost all of the weight is in the front of the saber, above the handhold. The curve, sharp as it is, and not in a convenient place to fit in the palm can get very awkward. However, if you like heavy hilts with a balance point ahead of your hand, it works. Likewise, while the curve is awkward, it leads to some very interesting angles and changes in direction mid-swing for the blade.

It’s definitely finicky, but I intend to practice, and duel, with it until I’m as comfortable using it as any of my others. As for durability, well, I’m not worried about it breaking during any of those duels. The body is pretty much solid cast aluminum, and with the rubber protective cover, I’m not concerned about any battle damage it may receive. amzn_assoc_placement = "adunit0"; amzn_assoc_search_bar = "true"; amzn_assoc_tracking_id = "sabersourcing-20"; amzn_assoc_search_bar_position = "top"; amzn_assoc_ad_mode = "search"; amzn_assoc_ad_type = "smart"; amzn_assoc_marketplace = "amazon"; amzn_assoc_region = "US"; amzn_assoc_title = "Shop Related Products"; amzn_assoc_default_search_phrase = "ydd saber"; amzn_assoc_default_category = "All"; amzn_assoc_linkid = "19216a15a2225230f21db13f1847719a"; amzn_assoc_rows = "1"; The Octane is the second time you’ve done a lightsaber electronics install. What was your first lightsaber install and how did installing The Octane compare? The first one was a Saberforge Outcast, also with an NBv4 [Plecter Labs Nano Biscotte V4] soundboard and a Tri Cree LED module. The builds are actually very similar. The Outcast has a chassis, but no charging port, and only the one switch. The Octane has a charging port, no chassis (until I design and print one that will work) three switches (one external, two internal,) and a whole lot of weirdness in its internal arrangement. For example, The Octane isn’t an empty tube; it has all the housings for the mechanical parts that make a gas pump work. It’s just not designed to fit a battery, speaker, soundboard, LED module, and all the wires and goodies in between. A whole lot of cramfu went into the Octane that I didn’t need for the Outcast.

Worth noting, I started working on the Octane around the same time I started putting together the Outcast. Once I figured out where everything would go in the Octane, I switched my focus to the Outcast so I would have one successful NBv4 install under my belt before getting even more complicated.

Can you describe some the most challenging aspects of The Octane install process? Figuring out how to make the internal switches behave correctly. Spoilers, I didn’t. At least not completely. Part of my idea when working on the saber was to have as many of the original mechanical parts of the pump included, and functional, as possible. The big one is the plunger connected to the trigger. When there’s no pressure on the trigger, the plunger holds pressed a couple of limit switches under the speaker. Those two switches, one for the LED and one for the speaker, cut those parts out of the circuit, ideally without cutting power to the board. In the case of the speaker, it works. Not so much with the LED.

The original vision was to press the external button to turn on the saber, and then have the trigger turn on and off the LED and speaker, effectively bypassing the boot up and boot down sequences of the board. That didn’t work quite as planned, so Instead of that fancy feature, the Octane has a dead man’s switch. Even with this partial success, getting the switches to work, while not getting any wires in the way, and getting all of it soldered together with enough slack to still dismantle the saber later if needed was definitely the biggest challenge.

Any plans on modding the hilt further by adding greeblies, etchings, wrap, weathering, etc.? I’m not opposed to it, but I don’t have any concrete plans for it either. With the saber set up as is, I can’t remove all of the electronics without cutting wires. While that’s not much of a problem, I’d rather not start cutting up its guts too soon. That being said, I do have two more gas pump nozzles ready to be converted, so I may make some different cosmetic choices with those. In the mean time, I’ll probably beat it up sparring while I figure out how I want to modify it.

What’s your favorite lightsaber from Star Wars Canon or Legends and why? Tenel Ka’s saber. Hands down. Pun not intended. I love the idea of housing a lightsaber in a rancor tooth. It appeals to the paleontology side of me, especially since I’d like to do something similar with a human femur cast. Tenel Ka’s saber is unique, novel, says a great deal about her character, and looks beauitiful every time I see it illustrated.

What’s next for you? Well, I have the next two gas pumps, a [Master Replicas] Mace Windu lightsaber conversion to finish, at least 10 hilts in varying stages of installation (mostly empty) a new blade diffraction film I’ve been tinkering with, and the ungodly horror that will be thick walled 3/4″ blades. I have no clue which of those things really counts as “next” since I tend to bounce around between projects. Even so, I’m going to enjoy every second of the ride, no matter which stop comes up first.

This slideshow requires JavaScript.

  Making a Gas Pump Nozzle Lightsaber: An Interview with ‘Octane’ Creator Wiley Abt Star Wars fan Wiley Abt recently decided to convert a broken gas pump nozzle into a…