#I was thinking about getting into the bg3 fandom to get back into writing fanfic again

[marvus-xoloto]

WIP Wednesday

Tagged by @dalishthunder

Tagging @choccymilky and @happyabsence and also any other creative that sees this 😊

Thank you for thinking of me! I actually have mostly stopped writing these days, not out of disinterest but because I’m in the middle of moving cross country and it has been incredibly stressful and mind consuming. But I did start working on a novel a while back! I still need to take MSPAR out of my main character, and perhaps shift it into third person 😂 this is the last thing I wrote for it:

[roguishcat]

✨Writing Interview Tag Game✨

Thank you for the tag @astarionancuntnin! 💕

When did you start writing?

Wrote my first story when I was 16 (original fantasy stuff that was just random scenes that I kept dreaming up when I listened to my sad girl music.) Then I started reading fanfiction and decided to have a go at writing fanfic when I was about 20. Was quite active in a couple of fandoms but gave it up when I was 25. And then BG3 happened and now I'm in my early 30s and having a great time writing fanfiction again!

Are there different themes or genres you enjoy reading than what you write?

I love reading all sorts, drama, horror (but not dumb 'everyone dies just because' stuff), mystery, romance.

And I will write most things, not straight up gore though.

Is there a writer you want to emulate or get compared to often?

I used to try to be 'clever' with my writing until I realised that you have to be clever for that. 😁😂 I just stick to slightly quirky, light-hearted stuff with some angst thrown in.

So no, I don't think I get compared to any writers. 🙂

Can you tell me a bit about your writing space?

I mostly write on my laptop wherever I am at the time. At work during breaks, at home on the sofa (nestled between my dog and my cat), pretty much anywhere.

I have enough books in my apartment to sink a battleship (according to my grandmother), so I suppose the whole place has a bit of a 'library' feel. So, in a way my writing space is a library.

What's your most effective way to muster up a muse?

Dreaming up stuff before I fall asleep. I overfixate when I listen to music and replay the same scene over and over. Daydreaming helps me write dialogue and get a general out line, and THEN I will listen to the same ten songs on repeat. 😁

Are there any recurring themes in your writing? Do they surprise you?

Cute fluff stuff. My last relationship was toxic and ended awfully, and just want to write about romantic tooth-rotting fluff. What can I say, I love love.

What is your reason for writing?

I work two jobs and very long hours, so just want to do something for myself. And I enjoy writing. Though sometimes I hate it too! Like when words are really not wording and I have to abandon something for a while before getting back into it.

Is there any specific comment or type of comment you find particularly motivating?

I love all comments, although of course ones that go into detail about which parts readers liked are the best! Feedback is crucial. I realise that my writing is definitely not the best out there (I'm working on improving it!), but if readers find the story moving and enjoy the way I portray their favourite characters and tell me, it honestly makes me tear up sometimes.

How do you want to be thought about by your readers?

I'm not sure exactly how to answer this tbh. 🙂 Approachable, respectful, friendly. I am not sure that this is exactly how I am come across, but I hope that everyone feels that they can send me a message/ask and not feel silly for it. I love chatting and doing challenges and things. If you sent me something and I did not respond, I'm either working on it or Tumbl didn't tag me properly.

What do you feel is your greatest strength as a writer?

Dialogue, at least this is the part that I enjoy writing. The banter between Astarion and other characters especially.

How do you feel about your own writing?

I feel dumb when I make dumb mistakes and notice them after posting. I try to spot them by reading out loud.

But I do love my stories because I love the characters. When I finished my first run of BG3 I immediately started writing. What a wonderful game to have inspired so many creatives!

I adore works by many writers, like Maugham (especially 'Theatre'), anything by Bradbury, Tolkien (of course), Maupassant etc. I cried when I read Gail Honeyman 'Eleanor Oliphant is Completely Fine'. But I don't think that I would ever try to write in their styles. Not for any particular reason, I just write better when I don't try to 'reach for the Moon', because then I just get upset that my writing is crap in comparison.

When you write, are you influenced by what others might enjoy reading, or do you write purely for yourself, or a mix of both?

Both, that's for sure. I write stuff and find it delightful and funny, and then remember that I find oddest things funny. And then I think, is this weird? Ah well, we ball!

No pressure tags 💖: @preciouslittlebhaalbae, @clazberryk,

@inkymoonbunny,

@ladyduellist, @cinnamontails-ff,

@silent-words, @anacdoce, @bellasmumblingsandmusings,

@fangbangerghoul, @mellybaggins, @lavenderfluorite14, @waterdeep-weavemoss

[fourraccoonsinacoat]

Head Full of Ghosts

Pairing: Astarion x Dark Urge

Summary: Takes place during the events of Baldur's Gate 3 and explores the romance between Astarion and the Dark Urge, as well as the friendships and relationships she has with her companions. Plus, everyone gives shit to Gale about his cooking. Tags: Slow Burn, Angst, Pining, Humor, Violence, Friends to Lovers, Developing Friendships, Developing Romance, Spoilers for the Dark Urge and BG3 in general, Dark Urge as Original Female Character Rating: Mature (Will eventually be Explicit, just not there yet.) Current Chapter Count: 3/? Read on AO3 (Will post chapters to Tumblr, as well.) Current Word Count: 13,050

Author Notes: Hello, Tumblr! Longtime lurker, first time poster. BG3 has reignited my love for writing fanfic - I think it's legit been over seven years since I've written a fic. The dry spell has now been broken. BG3 has grabbed me by the throat and pulled me back in and damn, if I'm not enjoying the hell out of it. I've got an ongoing fic on AO3, so I figured why not officially join Tumblr and dive headfirst into the fandom? Should anyone read my silly fic, I dearly hope you enjoy it. All these characters currently live in my head rent free.

Chapter 1: Misfits

The toll house burned as Karlach whooped, exacting rage and fury on everything within the abandoned building. Her glee might have been infectious if it hadn’t been so damn dangerous.

Luckily, Eli and her merry band of misfits had gotten clear of the structure before the worst of the fires caught. They now stood in the middle of the dirt cart path that led to the toll house entryway, watching the scene unfold in front of them with the same morbid curiosity with which townsfolk might watch a public hanging.

Wyll rubbed the back of his neck, cringing slightly as the loud and unmistakable crash of something glass-made reverberated from within the inferno.

“Maybe…” he started hesitantly, then cleared his throat. “Maybe someone should stop her?”  

Honestly, Wyll was too pure for their group of maladjusted headcases. Between being forcibly inducted as Emerald Grove’s newest mediator, and trying to figure out just what in the nine hells was going on with the illithid tadpoles in their brains, Eli had not had much time to get to know Wyll. Like her, he was a warlock, though he was being rather cagey about who or what his patron was. She guessed it had something to do with his contract, and it wasn’t as if she had much room to judge.

Eli couldn’t even remember who the hell her patron was. That knowledge was a gaping black hole in her ruptured memory. Sometimes, late at night, in the stifling silence when the chaos of the day had finally died down, she’d try to recall…anything. Anything about her past life beyond the images of blood, death and rot that swirled in her mind. She was never successful, and her attempts usually ended in a roiling headache. The holes in her brain were deep, dark and remained unknown.    

“These days I’m trying to avoid situations that end with me burnt to ash,” Astarion’s snark brought Eli back to the here and now. “But if you’re confident in your ability to be fire retardant, then by all means,” he finished the thought by motioning towards the building with a bit of a flourish.

The building was now practically engulfed in flames so bright that it was difficult to look at. She was pretty sure she could hear the roof caving in. Eli pinched the bridge of her nose and shut her eyes, the light and sound of it all was causing her already throbbing headache to grow and fester behind her eyes.

“Stop trying to suck the joy out of things, Wyll,” Eli said, with a bit more bite than she had intended.

She couldn’t see it, but she heard the eye roll in his response. “Fine. Far be it from me to deny someone their little moments of destructive bliss.”  

Eli huffed in response and felt a presence move up next to her.

“Another headache?” Shadowheart’s voice wasn’t quite concerned, but it did have a hint of guarded interest, and for Shadowheart that was just as good.

“Think I’m going on day three now,” Eli responded with a groan. She let her hand drop from her face and opened her eyes, blinking back against the influx of light.

No one spoke it out loud, but they all knew the significance of that statement. Three days ago, Eli had woke in the middle of the night to discover Alfira, a kind and gentle tiefling bard, brutalized and dead…by Eli’s own hands. The shame, guilt and confusion from that night was still a gaping and painful wound within. Alfira was a constant and haunting presence, a reminder that her mind and body were not her own. She could recall flashes of memory from that night, and she desperately wished that was not the case.

The fear in Alfira’s eyes was emblazoned upon her brain and it followed her into her dreams. She was not sleeping well, if at all. And the terror that she would once again wake up to find she’d torn open another of her companions, one of her friends…it was enough to fill her nights with nauseating dread.      

“Maybe Gale can cook up a sleeping potion for you when we get back to camp,” Shadowheart suggested with more softness in her voice than Eli was used to. “I’m sure your penchant for rummaging through our wares until all hours of the morning isn’t helping things,” she chided a bit more coolly.

Eli gave her a non-committal half smile. She’d taken to perusing their camp’s growing hoard of books during her sleepless nights. Reading kept her mind busy, and off of other darker thoughts that stalked her steps.    

“Given the unholy smells being extruded by Gale’s cookpot the other night, I’m not sure I’d trust him to brew a sleeping potion someone is expected to wake up from,” Astarion said cheerily, stepping up to Eli’s other side opposite Shadowheart. “Besides, there’s nothing wrong with a little extracurricular nighttime activity.”

The suggestive smirk he gave Eli caused the pit of her stomach to tighten.

“Yes, because reading is so titillating,” she deadpanned back at him. Astarion was a shameless flirt, and Eli wasn’t in a mood to deal with him while her head was splitting open from the inside out.

Astarion, however, was not dissuaded.

“Darling, it’s not my fault if you choose a boring activity.” He emphasized the word ‘boring’ and Eli knew exactly where this was going before they even got there.

He leaned in closer and she caught the faint scent of spice and rosemary that always lingered in the space where he’d been. Nine hells, why did she know that?

“You know I’m only a few tents away if you ever want to try a more stimulating activity,” he purred. A small shiver ran up her spine as she felt the breath from his words against her neck.

A derisive snort came from Eli’s other side. “Really, Astarion, were you never taught not to play with your food?” Shadowheart said with the hint of a smirk, which turned into a full grin when Eli shot her a dark glare.

Eli suddenly felt very aware of a certain spot on her neck as she looked back to Astarion, whose red eyes had been lingering there before they flicked back up to her face. She met his gaze and thought she saw something hungry flash across his expression before he looked to Shadowheart.

“Call it an appetizer,” Astarion replied in that smooth and sultry voice that danced so effortlessly from his lips. “Something to get the blood pumping before the main course.”

Eli was starting to feel something akin to what a rabbit may feel when being circled by wolves. Astarion had inched closer to her as he spoke and teased, pushing into her personal space with bravado and squaring up to her like an animal on the prowl. Eli had experienced this behavior from him before, and she hated it. Not because of any issues with personal boundaries - she didn’t even know if she had issues with personal boundaries, considering how full of holes her memory was. No, she hated it because of how her body responded. And she doubted it was the sort of response Astarion was looking for.

All of his bravado, his confidence, how sure of himself he seemed when he pressed near to her, playing his games. It triggered an anger in her she didn’t recognize. A cruel and dominating rage that wanted nothing more than to grab him by the throat and force him to his knees, demanding respect. She was no rabbit fearful of wolves, no plaything for him to tease. She’d flay him sternum to navel for his insolence.

“Stop,” Eli muttered, moreso to herself than to Astarion.

Her head was pounding as she tried to shove those unwanted and vicious thoughts back down into the unknown void of herself. She took a tentative step backwards and nearly collided with Shadowheart, who managed to step quickly out of the way. Eli felt a hand on her shoulder and reflexively flinched away, internally trying to wrest herself from the cloying vile madness that was building in her brain.

“Sorry,” Eli heard Shadowheart say.

Glancing to Shadowheart, Eli saw she had her hands raised in a conciliatory gesture. Likely, Shadowheart had reached out to try and steady Eli. The problem was, Eli didn’t trust herself when her mind went red and hazy.

She didn’t want anyone touching her in those moments. She didn’t want anyone ending up like Alfira…

“That’s enough of that,” Wyll’s strong voice held a very clear note of annoyance in it. “Leave her be and let’s get back to camp. Lest we get lost out here after the sun goes down.”

Eli appreciated the sentiment, but she almost wished Wyll had stayed silent.

“Ah, the dashing Blade of Frontiers here to save the pretty damsel from the dangerous vampire,” Astarion said, with more than a hint of contempt to his words.

Astarion and Wyll did not play nice. They reminded Eli of two dogs posturing and vying for control when they were near one another. And, unfortunately, everyone else got pissed on in the process.  

Astarion continued to bait the hook, voice sickly suggestive. “Hoping she’ll offer you a place to sheath your blade tonight if you play hero?”

Eli wheeled on Astarion with a glare that only succeeded in making the elf smile wider. For all of his pompous confidence, Eli did take note of the fact that Astarion had backed off from her. At least in the physical sense. He seemed more than happy to continue his verbal assault.

“You vulgar bastard!” Wyll barked back, angrily stepping towards Astarion who was grinning like a feral cat. Wyll was taking the bait.

“Lolth’s rotten nickers!” Eli exclaimed, exasperated and over all of this. “If the two of you want to have it out, fine! Just know I’m not asking Withers to bring either of you miserable assholes back if one of you kills the other!”

The blood in her head was pounding again, pulsating painfully behind her eyes. Eli threw up her hands and turned away from the squabbling men, only to see that tiefling barbarian, Karlach, watching all of them with a grin.

“You lot seem fun as hell!” she proclaimed with a laugh as the toll house continued to blaze like an inferno behind her. “Still cool if I tag along?”

“Yeah, sure,” Eli responded. “We all seem to be in the same shithole of a boat, so if you want to grab a paddle I’m not stopping you.”

Eli smirked and Karlach’s face lit up with excitement. “That’s the spirit!”

The next few moments were a blur. Moments in which Eli felt very much like a passenger in her own body. Astarion wasn’t letting up, and from behind her Eli heard his goading voice as he continued to taunt Wyll.

“You know, Wyll, if you’re ever curious about what our dear, sweet Eli tastes like, all you have to do is ask,” Astarion’s sly words were dripping with inuendo.

Eli snapped.

She rounded on Astarion like a displacer beast loosed from hell, stepping into his personal space just as he had done to her earlier. Eli, however, was not playing games. Her head felt like it was exploding from the inside and her vision was beginning to swim. She needed to get out of here. She needed to leave before she lost control. She needed to put this flippant, disrespectful maggot in his place.

“Would you FUCK OFF with your self-aggrandizing bullshit!” she roared.

Eli was up in Astarion’s face now, all venom and rage as she tried to maintain enough control to keep herself from driving a dagger through his eye like the monster inside of her was demanding.

“I’ve let you feed on me ONE time, and that has been the extent of any nightly activities between us,” she growled, locking eyes with the vampire spawn.

Astarion was a few inches taller than her, but in this moment it didn’t matter. They had all seen Eli fight. They’d witnessed the absolute carnage and power that she was capable of, and while most of that ability came from whatever deal she’d made with her patron, they had all sensed something else beyond her skill as a warlock. Something foul and brutal and violent that she seemed desperate to keep restrained.

That thing was leaking out now. Pressing at the barricades in her mind wrestling to break free. It wanted blood and gore and anguish. It wanted out.

“So, keep your pathetic attention-whoring charade in check or I’m going to lock you in a coffin and burry you so fucking deep even the worms won’t be able to find you!” Eli snarled, eyes glittering with a mania that indicated she was far from joking.

Eli didn’t know the chord she’d struck in Astarion – she didn’t even know if he had chords to be struck. She didn’t know how her words wrenched unbidden memories to the surface of his mind, like puss oozing from an infected wound. She didn’t know the torments inflicted upon him. Didn’t know that her words caused his chest to tighten with anxiety as unwanted recollections flashed in his mind. Days, months, years trapped in lonely confinement at the whim of his abuser. Locked away and starved because he said something displeasing or because he begged to be spared the agony of having his scars cut open once again because his master was bored and wanted to play.

Astarion had gone very still in the face of Eli’s wrath. And as the haze of anger in her mind dissipated and the realization of what she’d just said crashed down upon her, her eyes went wide and she took a quick step back. Her head was a mess and she felt like she was coming up out of a dream and seizing control of herself once more.

Shadowheart, Wyll and Karlach stood by, staring with a mix of shock and morbid curiosity. They were not going to get involved, but they damn sure were going to watch this disaster play out.

“I…uh…” Eli stuttered as she pulled herself back from the brink.

Her movements felt lethargic and wrong, as if she were a step removed from the actions her body was taking. But she kept hold of her mental steering wheel and willed herself to maintain control.

“Fuck. I’m sorry, Astarion,” she lifted her gaze, wanting to meet his eyes so she could explain and apologize again.

But Astarion wasn’t looking at her. At least, not at her face. His eyes were fixated on the collar of the burgundy undershirt she wore below her chest armor. His expression fluctuated somewhere between grim detachment and smoldering hatred, crimson eyes glassy and distant.

Eli felt an unnerving sensation of being looked through.

“Astarion?” she questioned, voice softer and tinged with an edge of worry.

She took a tentative step forward and raised a hand towards him. Had he been struck with an incantation? A curse? Maybe Shadowheart or Wyll had cast something as a means of intervention?

Eli was about to turn and ask them when Astarion flinched back from her outstretched hand as if she’d struck him. His eyes snapped to hers and burned with a hostility she’d never seen from him, not even during the famously vehement rows he and Gale would get into over Gale’s cooking (the arguments usually ended with Gale shouting, “You aren’t even going to eat any of it, anyway!” and storming off in a dither).

“Don’t,” Astarion snarled through clenched teeth and a tight jaw. “Don’t fucking touch me!”

Icy loathing dripped off his every word and Eli suddenly recognized the defensive posture he’d put himself in, leaning back and away from her with hands ready to go for a weapon or even swing at her should she move closer. He reminded her of an animal trapped in a corner, baring its fangs at something…

At something dangerous. At something intent on hurting them.

Shit. Had her outburst really been that bad? Had he really thought she was going to attack him?

A pang stabbed through her stomach as she realized…of course he had. Because of what she’d done to Alfira. She’d already proven she was capable of brutalizing the people around her, no matter how innocent they were. They thought she was dangerous. Astarion, a godsdamn vampire who’d crept up on her in the middle of the night, thought she was dangerous.

She needed to get herself under control. This wasn’t a sustainable lifestyle. At least not for the people around her…

“Astarion, I’m really fucking sorry,” she backed away from him, giving him space and bringing her hands back to her sides. “I’m not even entirely sure what happened. Things got…hazy. I’m really sorry.”

It was a piss poor excuse, and an even worse apology. She knew. And it seemed he agreed.

“You can choke on your apology,” Astarion snapped as he shoved past her. “If the tadpole turns you tonight, it wouldn’t be too soon.”

The sheer venom of his words stung as painfully as if he’d stabbed her right there on the spot. She opened her mouth to reply, but could think of nothing worthwhile to say. So she snapped it closed and watched him walk off down the path that led back to camp.

Well, some fantastic leader she was turning out to be. She already didn’t understand why anyone thought she, with her magnitude of memory loss and murder happy tendencies, was the ideal candidate for a position of authority. She was awful at this shit!

Eli had spent a lot of time combing through her fractured psyche, trying to piece together any semblance of facts about who she was. In all that self-reflection, she’d concluded there were two things she was really good at. Killing people and drinking.

Fuck, what she wouldn’t give to be doing either one of those things right now instead of this.

She turned a miserable expression on her remaining companions. “Is it too late to go back to the mind flayer ship and just surrender?”

Wyll laughed and sided up to her, clapping a hand on her shoulder and trying to be reassuring.

“I’m sure he’ll get over it,” he said. Then, with a somewhat darker smirk, “And if he doesn’t, we’ll just stake him. Luckily for us, our benevolent illithid captors saw fit to crash us in the middle of a forest. Trees everywhere.”

Wyll grinned while Eli just gave him a deadpan stare. He wasn’t helping. Maybe he wasn’t too pure for their little group, after all. Maybe he was just as much of a dumbass as the rest of them.

Eli looked to Shadowheart, who simply rolled her eyes before glancing after Astarion as he continued to walk further and further from the party.

“I bet he just needs some time to cool down,” Shadowheart mused. “Men can be irrationally dramatic when they put their minds to it.”

The grin on Wyll’s face fell as Shadowheart started to follow Astarion down the path. Eli trailed after her, glancing to Karlach in the hopes of making some sort of conversation to distract herself from all the pain and noise in her head.

“I’m just happy to be here,” Karlach laughed.

[not-poignant]

Hi!! I hope you’re enjoying spring! And I hope that the warmer weather and the blooming flowers bring about comfort and rejuvenation (if they have indeed started blooming, I have no idea how and when spring springs in your part of the world at this time). 🌷

How do you feel about fanfics of your original fiction? I’ve read most of your works on ao3 and have been following your tumblr for a while so I know (or at least it seems like) you are very encouraging toward any type of interpretation and writing.

I’ve seen there are a number of works people have written that either use your original characters or your worlds and I’m wondering how that feels on a personal level. Have you read them all? I imagine it’s quite flattering. But what if things seem a bit out of character or not exactly how you imagined? And what if those out of character moments or out of world moments seem like misinterpretations rather than reimaginings?

Basically this is all coming from a place of uncertainty. I’ve written some Ice Plague fanfic that I am personally proud of but it’s scary 😳. It’s still a draft and has been sitting as an open window on my computer for months now.

I have so much respect for any artist who puts their art out into the world. You’re so amazing Pia!!

I meant to reply to this and then Life did it's lifening thing SO HERE I AM NOW

Firstly I have a blanket 'omg yes please I love fanfics of my stuff' - there's even a fandom tag wrangled for it on AO3 (it might not stay there forever, and idk how it happened, but it's amazing and I'm forever 'omg thank' to the person who did that, though I wish it happened for more original fandoms over at AO3 which are very fandom friendly and have lots of fanfiction).

But you know that, I just figured I'd say it again. :D

Now to the nitty gritty of it all:

Philosophically I think it's fantastic in general. Every author feels like they've 'made it' as a 'real author' at different points in their career. For some it's their first paycheck or royalties. For others it's their first published novel. For others it's their first positive review from a stranger.

For me, it was the first time I got fanart, and then the first time I got fanfic. That for me was the marker of realising I'd 'made it.' Everything else is incredible too, don't get me wrong, that was just my metric. I didn't know it was until I got there, and I was like 'oh, this must be the feeling other people were talking about.'

Have you read them all?

So, no I haven't. I have a rule that I don't read any fics for a universe I'm still actively writing in. This applies to fanfiction for works I'm writing right now (so I haven't read any transformative works like fanfiction for the Underline series), and it also applies to fanfiction for works I'm writing fanfiction for (I stopped reading BG3 fic the moment I started writing Palmarosa, and I don't read Stardew Valley fanfic either).

This is mostly a 'liability' rule so that people can't say 'hey you copied this idea of mine give me money.' That's not highly likely to happen, but it does happen, and I think occasionally people forget that if I set up enough foreshadowing in a story that's not finished, and other people unconsciously write the 'logical end' of that foreshadowing, and then I write it myself, I didn't copy them, I followed the logic of my own story, lol.

I do read everything once I've finished writing in a particular original world! Back in the day I used to leave a lot more comments and engagement and then realised that might not be wanted or might be strange, or even might be seen as playing favourites if I do that to some people and not others, so now I try to keep some distance so people don't feel like I'm breathing over their shoulder basically, judging them.

There was a period of people trying to check in with me about their fics to be canon compliant, and I sort of disliked it, because to me that's the opposite of what fanfiction is - they're not writing my version of a story - I'm doing that, they're writing their version. And as with everything else, just like you have to make up what's not present in say...The X-Files, I like it better when people invent their own solutions or change rules based on what they want to see. Now I'm a lot firmer about encouraging people to remember that fanfiction is 'anything goes' and it's really not at all about how I feel about their ideas or how "correctly" those ideas apply in my own mind about my universe.

That leads me to answering your next question:

But what if things seem a bit out of character or not exactly how you imagined?

GOOD!!! That's what fanfiction is! Anyone expecting anything different is like...wildly out of touch with the purpose of transformative works which are meant to transform characters, canon, plot points, and scenarios. If people want to take my characters and put them on a spaceship, they can. If people want Temsen and Gwyn to fuck and have a happy ending, they can write it and I'm happy for them.

I literally am extremely happy about this, even if it's so wildly not what I'd write it's actually a trigger for me and I can't read it lmao. That's what fanfiction is for.

Fanfiction isn't for me, fanfiction is for fandom, for the people in it, for the people transforming the original thing. I'm extremely lucky I get to participate in it, but do you think I'm out here worrying about whether ConcernedApe/Eric Barone (creator of Stardew Valley) thinks my version of Alex or Sebastian in my Stardew Valley fic are like the most 'in character' version? Nope. I don't want him to know about my fic at all, I'm doing terrible things to his characters lmao.

And what if those out of character moments or out of world moments seem like misinterpretations rather than reimaginings?

That has nothing to do with me, and it's not my business. It's wrong to even pretend to make it my business. I don't want to be flippant and say 'so what?' - So it's more like - that's literally the point of fanfiction. Or again - good!

People can make characters into self-inserts. They can turn a character into pure wish fulfillment. They can take a world they love (the Underline universe) and then put themselves in there and make Gwyn super femme and I'm not really going to want to read that and that's great, because ultimately it has nothing to do with me and it shouldn't have anything to do with me. They can make every character experience mpreg, if they love mpreg, I'm so happy for them lmao.

Tbh, I also feel this way about fanfiction for other fandoms too. Do I stumble into Dragon Age fics with characterisations so wild and offputting I'm like 'OH GOD NO' and want to throw my phone across the room? Of course! And what do I do? I close the tab and find someone who's not doing that. It's so free and easy to just make different choices and find (or write!) the fics I want to see in the world without judging other authors for living their best lives.

I want fanfic authors to live their best lives, and that includes me as a fanfic author. I don't want to - as a creator of some original universes - have attitudes that would go against that.

So yeah, I'm...what I would call pretty zen about people 'misinterpreting' my characters (it's not really a misinterpretation, because that assumes that the goal of fanfiction is to always write characters 'in character' and it's not - there are many many goals in fanfiction, being canon compliant is only one of very many).

I'm less zen about people trying to get me to approve their ideas for fics or headcanons they have about my stuff. First, that's not really my job in the sense that...this is their responsibility if they want to write a fic, and also it's not great for me to interfere with their creative process (and not really fair on me to expect me to do creative work for them outside of the creative work I already write - asking me to have thoughts on their headcanons usually ends badly if they're unrealistic lmao). Like, it's not really fandom 'normal' to just go up to the show creators of Teen Wolf and go 'hey do you think my headcanon would happen? What about if they all got pregnant?'

And second, it implies that this is an area I should have input into and it's not. Even if I said 'I hate fanfiction don't write it' like a hypocrite, people can still write it. That's how much I don't matter to the process of writing fanfiction for an original work I've created. If people make getting my approval for their headcanons my 'problem' by putting it in my inbox, I will reply from the perspective of someone who writes the canon (which can sometimes lead to headcanon shattering, which I don't want to do! So tread lightly, folks), if people don't want me to shatter their headcanons before they write the fic, don't share 'em with me - they're not my business. :D

This can get confusing because sometimes people are asking me genuine worldbuilding questions and hypotheticals in good faith about my writing, and sometimes they're kind of trying to ask about their writing and get me to do some of the hard work for them, and I can usually tell those folks by how many anons they send me and if they seem strangely fixated on a particular subject I clearly have no interest in writing about, like mpreg (mpreg anons, you know who you are). In those cases it's like *I hand the pad and pen to you, and now it's your turn to answer these questions - if I wanted this to be part of my imaginative landscape, I'd be imagining it, and I don't want to.*

I get to be here and share other people's fanfiction and fanart, that's a privilege I get to enjoy, but I don't sort of have to be here to validate what other people are doing or thinking or writing or drawing etc. It's something I get to be a part of when people choose to share it with me in a way that I can then share it with more people, but I'm not an arbiter of it.

It can exist not only in my absence, but also in the face of my active disapproval (bless all you Anne Rice fanfiction writers who said 'fuck you' to Anne Rice being extremely litigious about people writing fic for her works and doing it anyway, bless every single one of you).

Thankfully I don't disapprove of it at all, no matter how batshit triggery wild OOC the headcanons are, it's like looking at something happening in a building I don't live in and am not supposed to live in. My response is like: 'Well, I don't live there, so...that has nothing to do with me, but hey, maybe other people want to live in that building so I'll share the address to folks who know me too.'

[ottertooferswriting]

BG3 Fic Teaser AstarionxHalsinxTav: Stay at Camp

Blood was a scent that Halsin was familiar with on an intimate level. More recently that of goblin, druid, tiefling and gnoll. His senses lately were all but flooded with the acrid, metallic tang. He couldn’t seem to escape it. Random memories from his time in the wretched cave prison he had been kept in still came roaring back from time to time; whenever the particular combination of rot, filth and drying pools of red so dark it nearly became black hit his nose. 

In the week that he had spent trailing after the camp of the unturned, unable to fully join their circle but still welcomed to spend his time amongst them the scent had been fleeting. But still present. Each time those who had been selected for their skills needed for that day came back bloodied from their exploits he could tell how badly each had been wounded. 

The lingering copper and sulfur and magic from whatever or whomever they had slain was not terribly pleasant, but everyone bathed in a timely manner the moment they could. It faded quickly enough to a muted, background hum. On all but one. 

Pale of skin and pale of hair, lovely in form and face and sharp of tongue. The elf always smelled of blood. He couldn’t seem to shake the scent any more than Halsin could. But the way it clung to his scent like an old lover or perhaps an old enemy; engrained so deeply it likely would never leave was uncommon. Unusual even amongst those who claimed killing as their profession. 

If he didn’t know better, knew the limitations of a particular brand of monster who had very similar traits to the quick witted and contrary companion Tav kept, Halsin would have been inclined to think him a vampire. But the small details such as walking about in broad daylight and lack of aversion to running water amongst other things dissuaded such lines of thought. And yet. The scent of blood remained. Fleeting glimpses of what might have been fangs taunted Halsin’s vision. 

---

BG3 Has Consumed my literal Soul. I love these characters an absolutely normal amount. First post to tumblr in many a year, looking forward to getting back into the swing of things. I do writing commissions both spicy and sfw for a variety of fandoms, willing to do OC's x Canon's ect.

Info post for commissions live now and pinned.

TBC. Chapters will go up on Patreon first then come to AO3\Tumblr two weeks later on average.

Ch1 is up both here and A03 now word count 6.8k currently.

here is link to full chapter.

[ra-scheln]

Writing Interview Tag Game

The lovely @kimberbohwrites tagged me – thank you so much!

When did you start writing?

I don’t remember a time before stories. Partially it might have been due to my environment, that I had to escape somehow – even if I could only retreat into my own mind and the worlds I could make up there. They weren’t really finished narratives, I was mostly into making up worlds that my friends would add characters to, and we would draw comics around the stories that developed from that .

Although that stopped when I was around fifteen or sixteen. The abuse at home kept escalating with my growing independence, and I couldn’t maintain the connection to myself necessary for true creativity and the willful ignorance regarding what was happening to me I had developed to protect myself. There is no writing or other piece of art from my time, because I just stopped being able to do it.

Stories I need to live, said ignorance I needed to survive, so it had to take precedence.

Ten years later or so, I’ve been reclaiming my own perception of events with, among other things, half a decade of therapy now. I can touch my own ideas again without them slipping through my hands.

BG3 is it’s own special joy here – it’s the first fandom I’ve really written for, recently, and that’s mostly thanks to the writer friends I’ve found through it (my pedipalps <3).

Are there different themes or genres that you enjoy reading than what you write?

Outside of fanfic, yes! I read a lot of classic stuff – Thomas Mann, Michail Bulgakow, Oscar Wilde are the last few authors I read in that department. Fiction-wise, I enjoy things that explore the more ambiguous sides of human emotion, or generally darker and more serious stuff – Das Parfüm by Patrick Süskind (The perfume) for example, although that’s something I also write about. I’d also count Accabadora by Michaela Murgia amongst that, though that’s also a historically inspired and socio-critical. Tbh I mostly read nonfiction though, Roberto Saviano’s works on the Ndragheta and other organised crime are currently back on my mind.

In fanfic, I’m pretty stuck in my tastes as far as themes go, but there are some characters that don’t inspire me to write, but that I like reading about – Rolan for example (though I might have something cooking for him), or Halsin.

Can you tell me about your writing space?

I often lug my laptop to the university library or onto my balcony, but I’ve also recently treated myself to new desk equipment – so I’ve started using it more, now that I have a second monitor, a nice mechanical keyboard and a chair that doesn’t kill my back.

One thing about my writing space though – it has to be spotless. I can’t deal with crumbs on my table or unfolded laundry lying around.

This all goes for writing itself. My ideas I mostly write down by hand in my notebook, wherever I am in that moment.

What’s your most effective way to muster up a muse?

I don’t. I either have something to say and then I sit down and say it, or I don’t. Your mind also needs to lie fallow every now and then.

If the words aren’t flowing when the ideas themselves are there, it’s usually because something else is taking up my attention. Be it any kind of mess (as I said…) or something I’m avoiding in other areas of my life, that has to be taken care of first.

Are there any recurring themes in your writing?

Some are fairly common in fanfic – trauma, the aftermath of sexual abuse etc. I think some of my other patterns are characters that are neither good nor bad, the need to accept yourself and what you’ve done even if others may not forgive you, and love that is built, not found.

What is your reason for writing?

The words have to go somewhere, or I start to get restless.

In seriousness, I also think that stories are a chance to explore the things that often don’t have room in daily life. Especially fiction that doesn’t have to perform well, like fanfics, can leave the kind of room for the regular human messiness to breathe.

Is there any kind of specific comment or type of comment you find particularly motivating?

I haven’t published a lot yet and I haven’t received that many comments yet; So it’s hard to say. But so far I can say that whenever I can feel that my writing touched someone and they take the time to share that with me it stays with me for a long time, and keeps me motivated to keep sharing my stuff.

How do you want to be thought about by your readers?

I haven’t thought about that yet much, and the idea of someone developing a parasocial relationship makes me want to crawl out of my skin, but uh… I think I’d like my writing to feel safe to people? Not necessarily in the sense that they won’t encounter difficult themes and injustices in it, but that the darker themes I explore are handled in an informed and tasteful way.

What do you feel is your greatest strength as a writer?

I think my compassion with my characters and their actions. Nuance, in general, seems to be my thing as well – I don’t do black and white.

How do you feel about your own writing?

I’m a bit frustrated that my fictional writing is all in English, currently. It’s neither my first nor my fourth language, and it’s not my favourite language to read in either.

Aside from that… I’m growing fond of my own style, now that I’ve found my voice, sort of. My sense of humour is starting to shine through, which is also nice!

When you write, are you influenced by what others might enjoy reading, or do you write purely for yourself, or a mix of both?

So far, what I want to write and say takes precedence. I do, of course, think about the “how” of writing – how style and vocabulary can help me get my ideas across. Who knows, I could try taking requests, that might be fun.

Tagging: @dutifullylazybread @blackjackkent @invinciblerodent @faerielli and @lewdisescariot

EDIT: AND @forget-me-maybe!!! As well als @cactusmisslittle

[theemptyislost]

Hi!! I've been a quiet follower of your work for some time now (I'm pretty skittish about reaching out to other fans and creators, but it's not for lack of love or enthusiasm!) and that sentiment extends from haunt me, to your crown of madness series, and even your daily haarlep posts (which I did in fact look at a LOT when I was too busy with finals and school projects to replay the house of hope scenes to listen to haarlep monologuing)- the haarlep thirst got me down so bad and in a lot of ways your depiction of them in haunt me is responsible! like what was originally "aww, haha! bratty cambion and his lifelong partner in psychosexual warfare, how cute!" Went to "���🥺❤️‍🔥❤️‍🔥❤️‍🔥" so fast it was emotionally jarring. I fell in love with them through your portrayal of them! And in the process, your tav too!

And all that is just to say I really appreciate your work and I saw a few of your update posts where you expressed worry about length and the ratio of hurt to comfort and I just wanted to drop in and say that you have readers who are with you for the long haul and that your mental health and not getting burnout takes precedence! I for one enjoy anything that you put out even if it's not writing and while I do anticipate your story, as a consumer to another consumer, you're putting all this work out here for FREE- like churning out actual *novels* in your own spare time (i checked and with the additional 20k from your prev haunt me is clocking it at over 100k now???? You're a BEAST for this in the best way possible) and that's not to be understated! You take however much time you need and tell your story how you want it told! there is no pressure at all, you no doubt got real life stuff going on and the fact that you're choosing to share your work with the world is something that fellow bg3 fanfic readers are so lucky to have, but are not entitled to! You are great and I'm rooting for you even if it's privately from the bg by being a huge lurker!

Thank you so much! I completely understand the skittish to reach out/lurker mentality. I think this is the first time I have been social in quite a while. BG3 has somehow got my introvert/semi-agoraphobic tush out again. 😊 So, I do appreciate you jumping out there and reaching out.

Your words are too kind, and they lift my heart. I am always happy to meet others who suffer the same affliction and love the menace...and are in the same Haarlep black hole that (I feel) is never ending! Haunt Me was initially supposed to be a one shot...and the intrusive thoughts regarding that au universe spiraled. I have the ending typed up already and its just moving all the idiots in that direction...its taking longer than I initially thought to flesh out all the details (so I appreciate your support and patience). The 'daily dose of haarlep' posts started as a daily mood booster, so I am glad you enjoy them as well!! 🖤🖤🖤 (I got a bit distraught when the posts of them started to dwindle a bit - but i understand that the fandom waves ebb and flow)

I promise my mental health has the endurance of one of those horrific cockroaches during a nuclear fallout. (The burn out from my MFA is over after tomorrow, for the time – so I can get back to basking in the glory of BG3 and the Fiends with you all fully)

You are making my dark soul blush and I appreciate your support!

Here is some more Haarlep as tribute! (I have not had time to draw yet, and photoshop game edits are swifter on the dishing out atm)

I also hope you are taking care of yourself and having a wonderful weekend.

(PS – I honestly did not expect anyone to like my Tav character – so I am glad she is a mini hit between the Fiend Sandwich) 😅🖤

[linka-from-captain-planet]

Fanfic Writer Questions

thanks for the tag @siyurikspakvariisis!

Since I love compartmentalizing, I have 2 AO3 accounts I would consider "active": teefling (BG3 only) and Linka_From_Captain_Planet (Stardew Valley and Arcane) so I'll tally up the results for both so I sound more impressive.

How many works do you have on AO3? teefling: 8 (BG3) LinkaFCP: 24 (18 Arcane, 6 SDV)

What is your total AO3 word count? Teefling: 33,928 LinkaFCP: 209,399 Grand total: 243,327

What fandoms do you write for? Actively, just BG3. I could fall back into Stardew Valley at any moment (still eating up my new farms), but Acane is parked until Season 2 comes out, probably.

What are your top 5 fics by kudos? - devil in disguise, snake with blue eyes (Arcane, caitvi) - An Anthology of Trib...ulations (BG3, shadowzel) - when my blue moon turns to gold again (BG3, shadowzel) - Goddess of the Hunt (Arcane, Cait/Brothel Girl) - come knock on this wood, get rocked by this thunder (Arcane, Cait/Sevika) These range from like 600 (high outlier) to 200. Honestly having a high kudos count is sort of embarrassing to me, as a mostly rarepair fan. My ideal amount of kudos is like, 50.

Do you respond to comments? Yes! I try to match the energy and give more detailed replies to more detailed comments, but I'll always respond to say thanks (even if it takes me a while). The only type of comment I might intentionally ignore is one asking for updates.

What is the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending? I think most people would say "when my blue moon turns to gold again" (BG3) because it involves a major character death, but for my taste it's pretty optimistic! I'd say it was "couldn't we reach inside and find that world of me and you" (Arcane), covering my take on Vi's time in prison and finding, and losing, her first love.

What is the fic you wrote with the happiest ending? "Courtship Traditions of the Stardew Valley: A Case Study", which was the last installment of my Haley Hates Prismatic Shards series. It's my designated tooth-rotting fluff fic.

Do you get hate on fics? Somewhat surprised to say no! I would just delete it/block without acknowledgement if I did.

Do you write smut? If so, what kind? Yep! It really varies by whatever agenda the fic has. Sometimes PWP, but usually still with an elaborate setup/backstory, which I like-- I'm always hornier for a Concept and Why Are They Fingering than the fingering itself. Not to tell on myself, but sometimes I get annoyed at the meager and/or gross offerings whilst trying to cruise a kink tag, and just write my own damn fic. But mostly, I just like to use sex in fics to inform the characters' dynamic in a kind of saucy and gripping way. I wouldn't say it's low-hanging fruit, but definitely a fast track toward a high-emotion dynamic or situationship or whatever it is that I really want to portray. Writing the actual sex part is often a bummer for me.

Do you write crossovers? What's the craziest one you've written? I lack the whimsy for a proper crossovers (mixing Arcane and League like I do when I want to be horny about Corina Veraza doesn't count). This is why all my fics take place firmly in the original media's universe, and I can't do AUs either.

Have you ever had a fic stolen? Not that I know of!

Have you ever had a fic translated? Nope.

Have you ever co-written a fic before? No, and I don't think I really could. I'm happy to bounce ideas around, but actually collaborating on the actual writing would drive me crazy. I was the group project control freak for way too many years of school to do it again.

What's your all-time favorite ship? This is hard to answer as a relentless multishipper who fixates on one fandom at a time. Currently I'm in BG3 and it's Minthara/Florrick. In Arcane, it was Caitlyn/Brothel Girl, and in SDV, it's Leah/Haley.

What's a WIP you want to finish, but doubt you ever will? Realistically... I will probably never finish the Arcane series I started, which was about Vi and her "prison wife" unless I fall ass first into that particular insanity again. I will probably also never update my shadowzel kink ficlet collection.

What are your writing strengths? Concept, mood/atmosphere, POV character voice I'd say.

What are your writing weaknesses? Getting caught up in minutiae that don't really matter but need to be *perfect* before I can move on, being a control freak and over-explaining things because I can't stand the possibility of being misunderstood

Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language in fic? This is such a random question, but it depends on whether it's a real language and how much dialogue it is. My works take place in fantasy worlds with fantasy characters, so it's whatever. If I'm writing in Minthara or Lae'zel's POV, I throw in commonly-known (to the fandom) drow or gith words with no explanation and usually not even italicized since it's a part of that character's usual diction. If I needed them to have a whole conversation in their tongue, I'd write it in English with italics to set it apart from the 'common' dialogue and prose.

First fandom you wrote for? Stardew Valley was the first fandom I ever published a fic for! But I would write for myself sometimes before that, I think it was probably Zelda (OOT) when I was really young. I didn't write at all between probably 13 and 25.

Favorite fic you've written? Super hard to say. Some of my older writing makes me cringe, but I have a lot of affection for older works that got me into the fandoms that have given me a lot of joy over the past few years. Best I can do is break it down by fandom. For Arcane, it's definitely "venus flytrap". For SDV, I'd say "Maybe Prismatic Shards Are Okay". For BG3, I'm torn between "mirage" (my favorite concept even if I think I could have executed it better) and "hold you like a python".

[thecoziestbean]

FANFIC ROUNDUP 2023

LIST OF FANWORKS

POSTED

The Venus of Valinor | Haladriel art heist au | E | 9/13 (wip)

Missed Connections | Haladriel ficlet | G | 2/2

meet me at the edge | Haladriel prairie gothic au | E | 4/? (wip) | dead dove

My Way or the Highway | Haladriel road trip au | E | one-shot

Hellbrand & Ghouladriel Week Drabbles | T | 8/8

Looking Glass | Haladriel horror au | E | one-shot | dead dove

Haladriel Winter Solstice Ficlets & Drabbles | M | 5/5

Yuletide fic to be revealed Jan 1!

For a total of 102,060 words. I'm blown away by this. I hadn't written for fun (outside of notes for d&d games) in over a decade before this past year. Haladriel truly has done wonders for my creativity.

UNPOSTED WIPS

run through the forest (settle before the sun) | BG3 Halsin x Reader dark fairy tale au | E | one-shot (??? - this keeps threatening to turn multi-chapter)

sharp as a razor, sweet as honeysuckle | Haladriel rodeo au | E | one-shot

skin i been through, dies behind me | Haladriel western au | E | one-shot

grow with a hunger | Haladriel arctic isolation horror au | E | multi-chapter dead dove

Untitled Haladriel Moulin Rouge au | E | multi-chapter dead dove

Untitled Haladriel newsroom exes au | E | multi-chapter romcom

TOTAL # OF COMPLETED WORKS/FANDOMS WRITTEN IN

6 completed works written in 2 fandoms

5 in LOTR: The Rings of Power for Haladriel

1 in [redacted until Jan 1]

OVERALL THOUGHTS

I sure do love a woman teetering on the precipice of something.

PERSONAL FAVORITE?

It's really hard to choose, but I think meet me at the edge. It started as a goofy little brainworm about what if Tevildo was a Black Phillip-esque figure trying to lure Galadriel away from the light, and here we are 40k later, and I think it's some of the best writing I've ever done. I love westerns, I love horror, I love stories about girlhood and womanhood and where the boundaries between the two are, and I especially love stories about women hanging on by their last thread and then saying fuck it and letting it all go.

MOST UNDERAPPRECIATED?

I guess maybe my little ficlet duology Missed Connections? I'm really proud of that strange little story. I wrote it for Haladriel Week last spring. It's inspired by the old Missed Connections ads that used to be in the paper (and I think are still on craigslist). Anyway, these two are set during the first age in Valinor, one each from Mairon and Artanis' perspectives. I keep thinking about expanding it to add new ones for each age. Maybe that's something I'll do in 2024.

MOST POPULAR?

Just by straight kudos, The Venus of Valinor.

STORY WITH THE SEXIEST MOMENT?

Eek! I don't know, I find it kind of hard to assess the sexiness of the smut you write yourself. It's probably something from meet me, though. The scene at the creek when Halbrand feeds Galadriel the peach still gets me a little flustered when I reread it:

The air grows heavy and still around them. She feels like she’s moving through honey as she leans forward and grabs his wrist in her slender hand, before lowering her lips to wrap around the slice of fruit in his fingers. His nostrils flare as he feeds the peach into her mouth. He drags the rough pads of his fingers across her tongue and then her lips, smearing juice in their wake. The salty tang of his skin mixes with the sweet bite slithering down her gullet to feed the twisting creature nestled deep in her belly.

Her breath catches in her throat when he brings his hand back to his mouth. He uses the flat of his tongue to lick up the last remnants of juice in one broad stroke, from his palm to the tips of his fingers, eyes grown dark in the deepening shade of the cottonwood.

“Delicious.”

MOST FUN STORY TO WRITE?

They're all the most fun to write at one point or another, otherwise I wouldn't be writing them! I've definitely been on a meet me kick lately though. The last couple of chapters are parts of the story I've been excited to get to since I first came up with the idea and started outlining it.

HARDEST?

I've found my writing habits are definitely influenced by what's going on in my real life. There have been some really rough patches this year, and during those times it was next to impossible to work on Venus. I just couldn't get into a romcom headspace, but it was a lot easier and more natural to write meet me during those times.

BIGGEST SURPRISE?

That the Haladriel brainrot is as strong now, if not stronger, than it was a year ago. I've had my share of hyperfixations, but this one's on another level. I really enjoyed writing my Yuletide fic for another fandom, and I'm enjoying dipping my toe into the BG3 waters (will probably even go for a full swim), but I still have so many ideas for Haladriel and I seem to have more every day.

DID YOU TAKE ANY RISKS IN WRITING THIS YEAR?

Becoming active in fandom! I’d always been more of a lurker, and I’ve never shared anything I created, so everything about writing and sharing my fic was a risk. And it was so worth it. This is the most creatively energized I’ve felt in years. I hadn't written for fun in over a decade before Haladriel, so I'll be forever grateful to this pairing for helping me shake off the cobwebs.

MOST UNINTENTIONALLY TELLING STORY?

Alas, I can't get into it because it hasn't been fully revealed but my Yuletide fic. I stumbled into some stuff writing that one that made me go, huh, ok, file that away to reflect on more closely at a later date.

FAVORITE LINES/SCENES?

The smut in Chapter 9 of Venus was so much fun to write, but I'm particularly proud of this: He wanted to see the golden Noldor heiress unleashed. He wanted to see her claiming – no taking – what she wanted. Not in service of others, not to protect her family’s reputation or to cover up the mistakes of fucking Fëanor Noldor, but in recognition of her own needs, her own power. Well, here she was: feral, greedy, free. A wild, unfettered creature demanding to be fucked. And who was he to deny to her?

I wrote a lot of drabbles this year, and some of my favorites are: Hungry Roots, The Eye in the Storm, and The Frozen Wood. I see these three as connected.

And honestly, the entirety of chapter 4 of meet me: the calf, the fights with her brothers and father, the scenes with Halbrand in the barn, the storm... 14k of smut and violence that were some of the heaviest lifting I've ever done and I'm so fucking proud of the end result.

MY FAVE PART OF FANDOM IN 2023

Finding and connecting with the Haladriel fandom. I’ve met some of the kindest, funniest, more creative people through it. We’ve taken some hits, but all in all, joining this fandom has truly been a highlight of my year.

2024 WRITING AMBITIONS

Writing every day, or as close to as I can, even if it’s just a couple of sentences, so that writing is just a steady, regular part of my day to day life. I went over a decade without it, and never want to go back. I’m having way too much fun.

I’d also like to finish my two current big WIPs. I’ve got lots of other big, multi-chapter projects in mind, but I can only hold so much in my head at a time, so I want to clear a few things from my plate before I tackle a new big project.

2024 FICS ON THE IMMEDIATE HORIZON

Jan 1 - Yuletide fic reveal

BG3 Halsin x Reader dark fairy tale one-shot

The Venus of Valinor: Chapter 10

March - Haladriel Fic Exchange

Thanks to @liminal-zone for the format and inspo!

[hismercytomyjustice]

So I started writing this yesterday and then I got SO MANY FEELS and it was SO LATE but… 

Def got a little too into my own head earlier with the finale  approaching for my BG3 fic. So I reread the draft I have of the final three chapters. And I just…I’m so happy with them??? (*꒦ິ꒳꒦ີ) I don’t even feel like they need any major overhaul editing or anything either.

I have NEVER felt confident about writing endings, but I’m feeling alarmingly confident about this one??? Like, even my OCD doesn’t seem to have anything disparaging to say??? ( ˶°ㅁ°) !!??

I mean, I truly hope other folks feel the same way when they get to the end. But right now I’m just so fucking happy that I do?

Wildly long self-indulgent post about my BG3 fic and the writing process for it below, if that’s something you’re into.

Writing this fic has been such an unexpected rollercoaster of emotions for me. It’s taught me so much about how my OCD manifests and impacts my writing, in addition to building my writing confidence back up in general.

It’s the longest thing I’ve ever written (just about twice as long as the longest before that?!) and I feel like I’ve grown SO MUCH as a writer while working on it for the past six months. I went from thinking I would never write description well to finally feeling like I get it??? I mean I’m sure I still have loads more room for improvement, but I’ve always felt like description has been my biggest weakness as a writer and I finally don’t feel that way anymore??!!

Same with writing endings too!!! I def feel like I have a lot more progress to make on that front, but like…oh my god I actually wrote one I’m super proud of??!!

Not only that, but this fic taught me I actually can jump around while writing??? I’ve always written super linearly before and tbh I still do, but when I got stuck on chapter 12/13 for almost two months, I skipped to the very end because I had an idea spark for that part and because of that I’ve been able to lay more of the groundwork for what I hope is a satisfying wrap up.

God, I was so fucking mortified to bring up my struggles with fanfic writing to my therapist. In retrospect I realize that’s because my OCD spirals around it were getting out of fucking control…

Just a super fun refrain of:

“This isn’t a big deal, you’re doing it for fun. It’s ridiculous how upset you are over a literal hobby no one is forcing you to do. It’s just a fanfic. No one cares about it. It’s not even real writing. No one will even read it or like it anyway. You’re wasting your time. See? You can’t finish anything. You’re stuck at the 60k mark because you lack discipline and commitment. You can’t do this, so you’ll never get anything original published. How many things have you started now that you’ve never finished? You haven’t finished writing anything in almost a decade. You’re wasting your therapist’s time talking about something so absurd. She’s going to laugh in your face.”

And fucking on and on and on.

But like…none of that was true??? FUCKING SHOCKING THAT MY OCD WOULD LIE TO ME, AMIRITE?! When has it EVER done that?!

I just wound up sitting there telling my therapist I was stuck and I had lost the passion for the fic like I always did and I’d wasted three months and 60k words on a story that was never going anywhere because I wasn’t good enough to write it.

And she asked me “What would help you get unstuck?”

And I thought about it and was like: “Maybe if I start posting it, folks will read it or bare minimum I’ll get enough kudos and hits to make my brain go brr enough to finish it?” All I wanted at that point was to regain the drive to finish writing the story I’d put so much heart and time and effort into already.

I mean OF COURSE I hoped folks would read it and like it and leave kudos and omg maybe even leave a comment??!! And since BG3 was and is such a big/popular fandom I was also hoping maybe I could surpass the level of achievement I hit with my multichapter Cardcaptors fic a few years back, if nothing else.

And like, as of last night, this is where I was sitting with both:

And YES. I know that stats are NOT what I should focus on at the end of the day. But GOD IF I DON’T CRAVE THE EXTERNAL VALIDATION!!! Don’t we all…

And like, honest to god, this fic doesn’t have to surpass my CCS fic! One of the absolute (hehe) best things to come from this whole experience has been getting to interact with other cultured Bloodweave sommeliers (haha). I seriously cannot get over just how nice and encouraging and fucking amazing everyone has been with their comments!!! And that multiple people have taken the time to comment on each chapter as they come out??!! Like, I am living the fucking dream!!!  (*꒦ິ꒳꒦ີ)

I get so fucking excited every week to share my newest chapter because I desperately want to know how my pressganged Bloodweave book club will react. Like, my HEART IS SO FULL OMG!!!! They are gonna make me cry frfr!!! 

I have personally been such a terrible commenter in the past on fics I’ve enjoyed (i.e. I didn’t fucking comment), but I am trying to become a reformed member of AO3 society because the support I’ve gotten (especially when the doubts start to creep in) has been incredible!!! 100/10, would definitely recommend!!!

And like, some other great stuff has happened that helped me so much along the way too! I read The Accountant’s Guide to Taking Down an Evil Vampire Lord (and maybe bagging Astarion while you are at it) by Cinnamontails. While I was reading it, writing description FINALLY FUCKING CLICKED for me! I was just like “Omfggg?! This is what people are talking about when they say description should do more than one thing!!!” Up to that point I pretty much believed that was like a sort of writing koan or something. Something everyone says, but that isn’t actually meant to be understood because it’s unknowable? Or something like that.

Lemme tell ya, I fucking love learning about writing. I’ve gone to countless writing panels at cons. I listened to podcasts on writing for YEARS (Writing Excuses, I Should be Writing, Ditch Diggers, etc). I’ve read so many books on writing. Watched YouTube videos, took a class, etc, etc! But for some reason the “description should do more than one thing” adage just did not compute. Until I read that fic!

Up to that point, description had always felt like something I threw in as padding around all of my dialogue and character navel gazing. And I fucking STRUGGLED with it as a result. It always felt SO FUCKING BORING to me. I hated it, especially because it never came easily. But now I FINALLY understand and I LOVE writing it!!!!

I went looking for some more tips on writing description and picked up Description: A Busy Writer’s Guide by Marcy Kennedy, which broke things down even further for me!

I felt personally attacked by this part in particular:

“Irrelevant description is what gives description a bad name.

You might think that’s obvious, but so often in my editing work, I’ve seen authors describe things in detail that have no bearing on the story at all. Usually they do it because they’ve been told at one time that they weren’t including enough description and no one told them what kind of description they needed to start including or how to properly include it.”

I am not exaggerating when I say, until very recently, to write description I would find photos of locations, buildings, character inspo, etc and try to focus on what someone more visually inclined would want described because I don’t have a super robust mental image generator. I’ve never had the “I see a movie in my head” while reading gift. Super jelly of folks who do tho! I get more like…flashes maybe? And I didn’t even realize that until I actually made myself pay attention to what was going on in my head while reading fairly recently. I sincerely thought I had aphantasia and people were exaggerating when they said they could picture things in their heads.

Like, when they’d tell you to look at something then close your eyes and envision what you remembered in school (was that just me?). And I’d be like “Okay so we’re just closing our eyes and trying to remember the individual things right? No one actually sees anything.” COLOR ME SURPRISED to find out that WAS NOT the case!

I don’t think I have aphantasia anymore, but like, on the scale from 0 (aphantasia) to 10 (see a movie in my head), I’d say I’m maybe a 3? I can’t envision a whole room or even like…a moving image? Moving images in my head are almost more like extremely short flip books. And the more I try to focus on them, the more out of focus they become. I also really struggle to envision things I’ve never seen before. Like, as a literal picture in my head I mean. It’s easier for me to imagine like…a picture I took of my dog than my actual dog? And like, if I try to do something like envision my bedroom or something, I just kind of pick a point and go from there like “Okay this is what my bed looks like, now it’s gone. This is what my dresser looks like, now it’s gone. This is what my end table looks like, now it’s gone.” It doesn’t form a bigger picture in my head. It’s more like a mental checklist where I think about the different attributes of something (like the color of my sheets, or how many pillows I have) rather than actually see something like the whole bed? Idk. That’s the best way I can think of to explain it.

Ngl, that might very well be part of why writing description like was so difficult and SO FUCKING BORING to me. I didn’t really see things in my head and I’m not a very visual person in general, so I don’t focus a ton on those details anyway as a reader or when I’m physically somewhere. So l felt like all my description was so hamfisted and awkward as a result, and I had absolutely no concept of how much was enough or too much.

But then she goes on in the book to say:

“All description filters through the viewpoint character and is colored by who they are as a person.” And I was just like…ohhhhhhh!!!! That’s exactly what that fanfic did!!!

And then:

“What they notice will also be largely influenced by their circumstances. A character heading into a job interview will be hyper aware of their own appearance, whereas a character who’s crawling around in a cave looking for hidden treasure won’t. A character who is running for their life will notice different things about their surroundings than will a character who isn’t in immediate danger.

If it’s not something they would notice, then we either have to leave it out or come up with a believable, realistic reason for them to notice it.”

Like. OF FUCKING COURSE?! THIS MAKES SO MUCH SENSE?! HOW DID I NEVER GRASP THIS BEFORE?!

Marcy Kennedy goes on to give other tips like “a good description is specific” and “a good description allows less to be more.” And about how it’s more important to focus on specific, unique details than to try and describe everything about the scene/character (like I would do before). Like, focusing on stuff readers will actually remember and that paints a clearer picture.

She also delves into the specifics of writing for the five senses (another thing I always heard suggested, but never felt I executed well). And on how people naturally notice things from bigger/more obvious to smaller/more specific. She also talks about the psychology behind the things people naturally notice and why and how it’s impacted by who they are as a person (ex. the career they have, their gender, etc).

She gets even more specific with stuff like:

“Description for the purpose of grounding should be quick and needs to happen within the first few paragraphs of a new scene.

If time is the only thing that’s changed, we’ll need to use even less description than if our characters also changed location.

As a general guideline, describe a place in the most depth the first time that setting shows up on the page. Later on, unless something important has changed, a brief re-orienting passage is enough.”

I have DESPERATELY been searching for something this specific. Like just PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF GOD TELL ME HOW MANY SENTENCES/PARAGRAPHS TO USE AND HOW FREQUENTLY TO USE DESCRIPTION. And ON GOD that’s exactly what this book does! ദ്ദി ꒦ິ꒳꒦ິ )✧

I still need to finish reading it but omfg I about lost my mind when I found the holy grail I’d been searching for.

And like, I’m sure my description still needs work and I’m using a sledgehammer instead of a regular hammer sometimes. But I’m learning and growing! And I’m sure it’ll become easier with practice! Hell, half the time I’ll write something and not realize until, oh I don’t know I’ve pretty much finished my fucking 100k word fanfic, that I fucking never really physically described my Tav?! I shouldn’t have said that… Now everyone will notice if they hadn’t already.. FUCK.

BUT! My absolute FAVORITE thing to write is character and being told “write description through the lens of your character” got me so fucking hype. I’m not sitting there anymore like “What’s in this room, what would a reader who sees what they read in their head (definitely not me) find most interesting?” and am instead like “What would Character A notice in this room? How are they feeling right now? What does X remind them of? What are they thinking about? What do they like and dislike, how does that impact what they pay attention to?” And I FUCKING LOVE IT!!!!

And I AM SURE this is not groundbreaking information for 99.9% of folks but IT WAS FOR ME!!!!! It has easily doubled my word count for everything I’ve written since then and I’m not stuck massively overthinking it all now! And I actually enjoy it! It doesn’t feel like a miserable slog anymore!

And this is THE MOST OBVIOUS in how my BG3 fic chapters literally DOUBLED OR TRIPLED in length after I got my hands on this book in the middle of writing the fic lol. Almost every shorter chapter in the first 75% of the fic was written prior to me reading this book. And the longer ones? Those were added after! 

Like, chapter two originally didn’t include the Owlbear scene. It just ended after Astarion walked out of the fortress. Meanwhile, chapter five and six DID NOT EXIST. I kinda panicked when I realized the story felt too Astarion heavy when it was supposed to be about both of them. I also felt like the pacing for the story in general was off (too fast). So I went back and added those. Leon and Victoria WERE NOT IN THE STORY until I went back to add chapter five.

Since I was doing alternating POV, if I added another chapter for Gale I needed to add another for Astarion. So I decided to make Astarion’s about them needing to find Gale an artefact in the Underdark. I started researching artefacts there that would satisfy the orb, but wanted to dig deeper and lay a little more groundwork for Astarion starting to care more about Gale and learning to be more kind/compassionate overall.

My headcanon for Astarion is that he’s always been a little selfish, or at least he thinks he is. I expanded on that later on in the fic by implying his parents weren’t the best of people. I felt like Cazador would smell blood in the water as far as folks with prior abuse of some kind were concerned, like a lot of abusers do. So Astarion spent his life up until he moved to Baldur’s Gate trying to be his own person despite the box his parents wanted to fit him in. That was my reason for why he left the Dalelands so young (by elf standards). He was still a grown ass man, but hadn’t reached maturity as far as his parents were concerned.

And like, why did he go as far away as Baldur’s Gate? Because it is like THE OPPOSITE SIDE of Faerun. And there’s no real info on his family anywhere, so I felt like maybe he wasn’t super close with them if he moved so far away. My idea was he felt he couldn’t escape their expectations without putting some real distance between them. And then, in the process, he winds up with Cazador, someone even more determined to mold him into what they want him to be rather than what he wants to be.

I feel like so much of Astarion’s arc in game is about finally being able to become his own person. And I thought it would pair really well with the tragedy of him being turned by Cazador if that happened just when he started take back control of his own life.

My headcanon is a lot of Astarion’s selfishness stems from no one ever being there for him or looking out for him, so he can only rely on himself and fuck everyone else as a result. Except he’s not nearly as callous as he pretends and deep down he genuinely wants to care about others. He just doesn’t know how to do it and feels like it can only come at the expense of his own autonomy/safety/happiness.

SO. What artefact would Astarion have that he could choose to give to Gale? Initially I thought maybe something small like the Ring of Color Spray. That didn’t feel significant enough though. Like, yes it would be something of his that he was choosing to part with, but it wasn’t a big enough of a statement to me. So then I tried to find a cool/powerful weapon or something else that he would be less inclined to part with. Whee, more time researching artefacts! But that didn’t feel right either, so  I decided it should be something with more personal significance because that’s the biggest kind of sacrifice he could make at this point.

So! What would Astarion have that would be powerful enough to satisfy the orb? And why??? Cazador doesn’t exactly seem like the type to give his spawn anything, not even the basics (i.e. Astarion’s 200 years of starvation). Especially not something like a powerful/helpful artefact. And I was like “well, I mentioned they traded favors before back in chapter four, so maybe Leon enchanted something for him?”

BUT WHY?! I really liked the bits and pieces we see of Leon in game. I feel like he’s the quickest to believe Astarion when he says Cazador plans to sacrifice them in the ritual. And he also has a human daughter! Which, yeah, that whole reveal in game gave me major brain worms. Because WHAT. There was a human child just running around Szarr Palace? WHY? What was her life like? What did the other spawn think of her? And I was also so sad we never really saw much in game about her and her father. Even though Leon loses Victoria to Dalyria. I was really surprised there was no follow up to that for him, but lord knows Larian already had 8 billion other things going on, so I get why it wasn’t something they delved further into.

But what would Leon ask for in return for such a big favor? Ooh, what if Victoria’s ill? Cazador doesn’t exactly seem like the type to be like “Oh, sorry, please take all the PTO you need and here’s some money for a healer!” I’d imagine resources suited to caring for a sick human child would be limited in Szarr Palace. And Dalyria has been looking at Victoria like she’s a literal snack for a while now (which is why she kills her in game), so what’s a vampire papa to do???

So then I had to figure out why the self-purported selfish Astarion would agree to help them. At great personal cost, no less. He never mentions Victoria in game and I don’t think there’s anything in game either that indicates he’s ever done her wrong. Leon certainly didn’t seem concerned about him in that regard, so I decided maybe he’s ambivalent toward Victoria. 

So why would he care?!

And then the Drizzt brain worms came back in full force. Because of that fucking phenomenal scene in the DND campaign with Neil fanboying, haha. So maybe Victoria has an interest in Drizzt too? Or maybe in his wife? Like, why wouldn’t a scared little girl who’s stuck in a nest of vampires look up to a strong female role model who is capable of fighting back and saving the day? And I figured Astarion hand’t exactly broadcasted his interest in Drizzt, so maybe this gives him an opportunity to actually connect with someone for once? I feel another major part of Astarion’s character is he is SO FUCKING LONELY. He doesn’t know how to establish actual relationships with people because he never has. And why would he, seeing as any new person he met would just wind up as Cazador’s dinner (as far as he knew anyway). I feel like he’s had to hardcore compartmentalize that part of him for the sake of his sanity.

But now here’s this sick little girl who he can actually help. And she understands what it’s like to dream a hero will swoop in and save the day. And she happens to be interested in stories about the same Drow Ranger  who he’s found his own escape from The Horrors™ in?

Idk if he still would have agreed to help Leon in the fic if he’d had much more time to think about it. So instead he has a moment of weakness where he desperately wants to do something good for once (the only other time having been his sparing his “darling boy”). Something that’s never been done for him, but that he could do for Victoria. He could pretend to be her hero for a little while and get something useful out of it in the process. Win-win!

And like, this doesn’t make them bffs or anything. It’s more like a pivotal moment that just started to lay the foundation for his “redemption” in my fic instead. Then I just kept thinking more and more about what his life was like after with Victoria, who’s already come to trust him a little since he doesn’t treat her poorly or look like he wants to eat her. Especially since I figure that’s probably a pretty novel experience for her given her circumstances.

But he and Gale are in the Underdark! Which has magical artefacts! So why couldn’t they just spend a few thousand words locating an artefact so he doesn’t have to give this ring up? Sure, I could make it imperative Gale needs an artefact like yesterday, but that didn’t feel like enough. Thus Tav’s sister was born, lol! And my Tav became much more of a character in the fic because I did WAAAAY too much research on the Drow for chapter five and was completely fascinated by them.

My Tav was never supposed to feature as much as they did in my fic. They’re literally my Tav from in game, though I didn’t really have an in-game backstory for them. They were just supposed to show up in my fic to help with some scenes/dialogue in lieu of me having to write more interactions with the companions I didn’t feel super confident writing because I didn’t feel like I knew them/their unique voices well enough. To my own detriment, I am obsessed with being as IC as possible when I write fic. Just my personal preference in my writing!

This was my basic ass outline from back in April when I realized I needed to add extra chapters. The checkboxes are chapters drafts I’d finished by that point:

I was about 42k words in when I made it. And the outline changed a little too! I combined my planned chapters for 15 and 16 into one and wrote something else for 16.

And then I got to the bane of my existence, Chapter 13… (≖_≖ ). That was around the 60k mark.

Originally I planned for Astarion to be kidnapped by the spawn and get tortured (a little) and then be rescued by Gale & Co. But it just didn’t feel right. So then I thought “Gale should get kidnapped too, that’ll be more interesting!” And THEN I had Cazador show up. But he was being too…nice? Maybe not nice, but like…too chill/accommodating? Because I didn’t want the fic to get EVEN LONGER by setting Astarion’s progress with his trauma back to the stone ages with prolonged exposure to his abuser.

Originally I had Cazador show up, throw Astarion around a little and then Leon was like “Mister Cazador, sir, he has a tadpole, can we all go somewhere you aren’t so I can take a look at it?” And Cazador was just like “HMPF. OKAY, I GUESS. BUT DON’T FORGET I’M ~EVIL~, even though I’m acting pretty blasé right now!” Cut to Gale, Astarion, and Leon chitchatting in the Favored Spawn room.

And it just…was not fucking working. I felt it didn’t make sense for Cazador. It wasn’t boogeyman enough. Like…no way would he just let them traipse off, even with the tadpole as the reason. Something else needed to happen. Something that would give him an actual reason to have to put Astarion on the back burner. Something BIG!

But fucking WHAT???

My OCD chimed in with: “So happy you asked! Remember that other insecurity you have about being fucking terrible at writing villains? Surprise! It’s true! You’ve hit the biggest part of this fic and now it’s all pointless because you don’t know how to make Cazador be believably mean! Aren’t you glad you wasted three months and 60k words on it? You never finish anything anyway, so why should this be any different?” 

Which is why I brought all of this up to my therapist in the first place. Because I was so fucking disappointed in and frustrated with myself and had all but given up on this fic. I didn’t know what to do next or how to fix what I broke and my motivation to keep writing it was long gone. But if I stopped writing it now, I was 1000% convinced I’d never finish it and I fucking hated that. I was so excited about this story for so long and it felt like it was all over because I “sucked as a writer, lacked commitment, etc.”

It took a while. Like two fucking months, to get out of my own head enough to finally write something I was happy with for chapter 13. I firmly believe I finally got to that point because of how much support and kindness I received from the folks reading my fanfic (who hadn’t found out I was a fraud yet - actual quote from my OCD). I cannot thank all of them enough for helping bolster my self-esteem and helping me get my motivation back! And also because my therapist helped me kill off my own boogeyman of sorts (my OCD around writing)!

Originally I wasn’t going to post this fic until the first draft was completely done. Didn’t matter that I was at 60k words. It wasn’t done, so it wasn’t going up because I hate when people orphan fics. Absolutely no shade to folks who do tho! Life happens! Motivation wanes! But I did A LOT of my own orphaning back in the day on ff.net and I still feel guilty about it to this day. But I pushed past my fear with the encouragement of my therapist and FUCK it paid off!!!

Once I got over the hurdle of writing 12/13, it was pretty much smooth sailing from there. And, omfg, people ACTUALLY LIKED both chapters?! ON GOD?! I felt like they were pretty solid by the time I finally posted them, but it was still hard not to worry I had falsely convinced myself they were good. What if Cazador was TOO mean now? Or what if he still wasn’t mean enough? What if this was too hard of a left turn with the story? What if what if what if…

I seriously cannot thank the folks who’ve commented on both enough for helping allay those fears of mine. It means so fucking much to me that there are so many people out there who were just SO FUCKING KIND to me when they didn’t have to be!  ( ˃̣̣̥︿˂̣̣̥ ) A HUGE thank you to folks who’ve reached out to me or interacted with my posts about my fic on tumblr too, especially asymmetricjest whose ear I know I have talked off at this point in the internet-sense! Knowing there were folks who liked my fic enough to go out of their way to seek me out on tumblr for my Tuesday sneak peeks and to even like my and comment on my posts about writing the fic was a MASSIVE boost to my self confidence! It also made me feel like maybe I had a story worth telling after all! 

I also gotta thank my bff Gourmet for letting me talk her ear off too and for reading the first three chapters before I even posted them. I was SO FUCKING NERVOUS about posting a multi-chapter fic for a brand new fandom (to me). I was especially worried about my characterization of Gale and if it looked like I knew enough about BG3 to be qualified to write a story about it lol. Not that that’s even a thing, but it felt like it to me. Like someone was gonna bust down the door and be like “well, actually” until I gave up on writing and became a hermit in the woods.

Gourmet also made the mistake of telling me sometimes she writes on her phone, which I have taken to heart and then some… I do like 95% of my writing on google docs on my phone now. I went from writing next to nothing to having already written 198,088 words this year. Yes, I’ve been tracking it. Yes, I love spreadsheets. No, I haven’t posted everything I’ve written yet.

That was another thing I struggled with in regard to my OCD. Not just with writing, but with life in general. It’s been so hard for me to accept everything does not have to be perfect before I can do something.

I constantly talk myself out of shit because it’s not perfect. Like:

I should start working out! What’s the research on the perfect amount of exercise? What types? How often? For how long? Etc. And then I come up with a detailed day-by-day routine of working out an hour every day that is not even remotely feasible for me, so I never do it! And I won’t let myself just do 10 random minutes of exercise either because that’s not what the experts said you should do, so that means I can’t do anything! 

Down to shit like, “I can’t work out because my office is a nightmare. There’s too much stuff everywhere.” And “I can’t just go for a short walk by myself. That’s cruel to my dogs who I already don’t walk enough. But if I walk them too, I need to walk them enough, which is at least 20 minutes each. Because a dog should have 30 minutes of exercise a day.” So now my 10 minute impromptu walk has turned into an hour long dog walk because I can’t walk both of them at once (they’re big dogs and I’ve gotten hurt trying to do that before). Which then becomes too intimidating/overwhelming, so I just don’t do it at all! Yay, avoidance!

This is exactly how I’d talk myself out of writing. Just “a real writer would do xyz and since I can’t/don’t, I’m not a real writer. If I don’t write everyday, I’ll never get anywhere. I need at least an hour to write and if I don’t have that, what’s the point? Maybe I’ll just make myself write for 5 minutes a day instead! But that doesn’t feel like enough progress, so that’s not being a real writer.” Just analysis paralysis combined with a hardcore all or nothing mindset. I would spend way too much time focused on my word count each day and beating myself up about it being too low instead of just being happy I was writing, which is something I enjoy doing (ISN’T IT?!).

I used to be a bank teller about a decade ago. It was boring as fuck during the week because there were too many branches around (there was another of our same bank literally one building away from us) so we didn’t get a ton of customers. That resulted in a lot of downtime that I had to fill with something that wouldn’t get me in trouble (i.e. reading or playing on my phone). We also didn’t have internet on our computers as tellers. So I started taking little pocket notebooks with me and writing in between customers. Which was apparently fine! My coworkers would ask me what I was doing and I’d tell them journaling or something like that because I was embarrassed I was writing original romance stuff.

I wound up writing 3 different 50k original works during that time. I’d write in between customers then go home and type up what I wrote every day. And it fucking worked! It gave me something fun to do instead of stare at a wall all day, it kept me from being too perfectionistic about it, and it lowered the demand on my executive function! Win-win-win!

But then I got a different office job where there wasn’t downtime in between tasks (or at least not that you could enjoy without getting in trouble) so that fell by the wayside. I probably could’ve been writing on my work laptop or something instead, but I had undiagnosed ADHD at the time and spent so much time procrastinating while trapped in the office because it didn’t take me that long to do my work. I also didn’t realize a lot of ADHDers procrastinate because then they get a spike of adrenaline as a deadline looms, so. Yeah. Classic ADHD in retrospect.

But writing on my phone is a whole different ballgame! It doesn’t feel like “real” writing. I can do it whenever! Waiting in a doctor’s office? Write! Woke up in the middle of the night? Write! Laying down on the couch with no motivation to move? Write! 

It lowers the barrier for my executive function because I always have my phone on me! No longer am I like “do I have enough time to go to trouble of opening my laptop, opening my google doc, trying to remember where I was, etc” and getting too worked up over having “dedicated” writing time because otherwise I’m not a real writer. There aren’t all these mental hurdles I have to leap over anymore. It’s just “I want to write” > “picks up phone”.

Do I feel fucking deranged writing almost 200k words so far on my phone? ABSO-FUCKING-LUTELY I DO! Could I write way faster on my laptop? 10000%! But it works! So I try not to think about it too much, lol. I have started editing more on my laptop though because editing on my phone takes for fucking ever. Editing in general takes me for fucking ever.

But yeah, this was wildly fucking long but I just had a lot of stuff I wanted to mentally process about this whole process because it’s been a really fucking big deal for me. And writing stuff out helps me process it.

If you’ve actually read all of this, you are a saint and I hope some of it resonated with you, especially if you’re a writer too. And, even if you aren’t, I hope it was at least interesting/entertaining!

God, I am so pre-upset about finishing this fic, lol. I don’t want it to end. It’s given me so much structure to my weeks and so much to look forward to. It’s gonna fuck with me once it’s over and I have to find other stuff to occupy my time and I don’t get my Wednesday dopamine hit. I mean, I’m hoping I’ll be writing something else by then (I do have an HH fic that’s 30k+ words already that I need to finish). But I fucking hate change and it’s gonna be a big change for me after I’ll have spent around 7 months on this whole thing.

But seriously, I cannot thank the phenomenal folks who’ve supported me along the way by reading, kudosing, bookmarking, subscribing, commenting, etc enough! This fic would not have gotten written without your support! And thank fuck for my therapist too because I had literally no idea my OCD was so obsessed with my writing until I was in the midst of this fic.

But yeah, it's been super cathartic to journal about my process with this fic and how I've learned and grown from writing it. And my OCD is definitely not completely gone when it comes to my writing, but it's more manageable at present and I'm def gonna take that as a win!

[rinwellisathing]

Get To Know People Better Tag Game

I was tagged by @graysparrowao3! thank you!

Three Ships:

So I assume this is like favorites? Okay, I'll try to do separate fandoms as well to keep it interesting and I'll try and make it less common ships, not exactly rare ships per se because like... I am very shy and anxiety prone so truthfully iunno what's rare and not because I don't engage a lot.

Thunderweave (Gale/Rolan) : I really like this one, even more since my fiancee and I RPed it with the idea of transmasc Rolan. It's really kind of interesting and also Rolan deserves a better fellow wizard than Lorroakan and I think Gale is a great fellow wizard being both talented, secure in his abilities, but also willing to see the potential and power in another person. Also I super identify with Rolan and my fiancee does a really good really convincing Gale for RP and cosplay. Kabru/Mithrun: I initially preferred Kabru/Laios, which I still really like honestly, but I read a longer post about Mithrun's disabilities and his trauma and how Kabru treats him like a person when most people don't and like as a heavily traumatized person who became suddenly and severely disabled as a result, I really really relate and hope that my partners will show me that same level of care when they are able (distance has been the main reason why not, my mom has mainly been the one taking care of me since I became disabled so I don't really know what my partners will do in person because one lives far away and one has been called away on family issues since before this became a major issue) Thraina (Thrall/Jaina) : This is the only hetero ship I consistently come back to. I usually prefer Sylvanas/Jaina, but realistically I don't want to put that one here for only one reason. Sylvanas/Jaina has a lot of basis in what it could be (No one at Blizzard who has been there consistently through their entire development is talented enough to have made it work so it's all theoretical and based on what much better unpaid fanfiction writers decide). Thraina, meanwhile was unintentionally somehow written as one of the most equitable, healtyh, equal, and level relationships in all of WoW and it wasn't even canon...mainly because Metzen is a weird creepy misogynist (one of the main reasons I actually mainly write Aggra/Jaina as a ship actually, because both deserve better and are, in theory, better than that bag of derivative Marvel obsessed dicks allows them to be) but anyway, it's just fascinating to me how the healthiest ship in WoW was axed, shut down, and denied despite how genuinely good it was. I could write essays on this, I *HAVE* written essays on this, but I'll spare you. First ship: Domon Kasshu/Chibodee Crockett (G Gundam) but also Meg Giry and Christine Daae (Phantom of the Opera) these were simultaneous, so honestly I had to put both.

Last Song: Where You Are (Moana Soundtrack)

Last Movie: it was this obscure random horror movie I found on Peacock called 'Wait Till Helen Comes' about a child ghost. I tend to since I've been unable to work stay up late making costume pieces and writing and pick random horror movies for background. It wasn't bad, honestly.

Currently reading: Humblewood campaign setting book for an actual play I want to do Faerun 3.5 Player's Guide for flavor bits for my BG3 fanfics and location lore for my BG 3 sequel campaign Cinderwich by Cherie Priest

Currently watching:

Interview With a Vampire Crispy's Tavern Currently Eating: Opera Cake Currently craving: The nastiest, filthiest Durgetash ERP, preferably with my fiancee as Gortash. Favorite color: Purple

Current Obsession: BG 3 Prehistoric ocean animals Junji Ito Sharks in general Costuming Fatal Frame Last thing I googled: Sophia Loren Favorite Season: WInter

Skill I'd like to learn: Shoe making Metalurgy Best advice: You're never done learning until you're dead...even then, let's assume we get reincarnated and then rinse, repeat, start learning again. I'm tagging @iron-bullogna @vialae @vestigialpersonality @dm-dragonpuff

[shmowder]

ag;asdfjag hello so I stumbled across the "specific fetishes they have with no explanation" post you wrote for the BG3 companions. Can I please request something like that for the Patho characters? Anyone you feel like including.

Sorry to keep bringing up your other blog but my goodness, your anons weren't shy on there XD It's amusing to notice the difference in content and asks between these fandoms. @ pathologic enjoyers where is the horniness!!!! /lh

🐿️ anon

Ah yes that classic post, it started because I wanted to give someone a hand kink and the rest followed along. I like the concept of specific fetishes that aren't explained but are accepted as part of the person nonetheless. Imitating organic sexuality where sometimes people are into things for no apparent reason, why do I think knight armour is so hot? I will never know.

I miss it sometimes, how shamelessly direct anons were in the bg3 with their nsfw requests. Talking with someone who knows exactly what they want is always refreshing.

I enjoyed the different concepts and how conversations about sex and fetishes flowed so seamlessly. They clearly enjoyed what I was writing and were mature about it.

While the Pathologic fandom feels more juvenile? Like a repressed adult going to a sex shop for the first time. The nsfw requests are vague and always written timidly, testing the waters, rushed even. As if I'll just suddenly disappear if they're not the first in line.

It could be the fact x reader content is scarce in this fandom while in bg3 they were plentiful. I knew some bg3 blogs that wrote smut pieces that could make the devil blush, genuinely. It was the extreme bdsm and dark smut i have ever seen, and i loved it.

I'm not complaining, I enjoy both fandoms' unique approaches tbh. I simply match the energy that is given to me, reading between the lines and all. If I notice, the requester is timid, shy, and vague about what they want. I'll go with vanilla and soft, slow sex.

Unless someone directly tells me they want to hear about my thoughts when it comes to Oyun's clear humiliation & degradation kink and life/death play, then I simply keep it to myself.

This blog started as a meme blog after all, didn't it? I just wasn't sure I'll even post pathologic x reader tbh. I wanted a throw-away account to talk about the game in because I didn't want to sully my bg3 account with unrelated fandoms even more. There is no need to wear its corpse and parade it through the square, giving my previous readers hope i might come back only to show it was a different fandom wearing its skin.

I kept that in mind, which is why i tage my x reader works with...well ♧x reader. So the people who are here just for the memes can filter it out.

Compare the notes my memes, character study and plot analysis posts get against my x reader pieces. It's clear who the majority is.

BG3 simply had more people interested in x reader, so it paid off in the long run to focus on it. While here I wouldn't have made it out from under the radar if I hadn't posted any memes, would I? No one searches for pathologic x reader on tumblr because the goddamn tag didn't exist before me.

It doesn't help that at least 70% of people who read this genre are lurkers, as it is natural with fanfics in general but especially anything deemed "cringy" or "taboo". Especially in a fandom whos tries to be taken seriously and seems high-brow to onlookers, yk pathologic.

Take the Hysteria fic, for example. I thought it would set the tone for the rest of the account, yk? but all i got afterwards was fluffy requests, so the balance shifted towards a more romantic style.

Right now, I have been getting more requests and nsfw ones, especially, but it was you who helped break that seal and encouraged other anons to come out because of your interactions and sincerity.

I think it was your nsfw Victor and Yulia requests which offically broke the seal and showed lurkers I am willing to fully dive into smut, that no this isn't a mirage and yes they can requests as many dom Daniil stuff as they want. You would be surprised at how popular that man is in my inbox.

Me personally, I would've simmered down or slowly stopped the x reader pieces if someone didn't come along to show interest in my work. I already have the whole world and works in my brain, I can just keep it there for eternity.

The fun in writing requests are the requestors themselves, the lively discussions, the passion, and happiness. The sweet kind words afterwards, waiting to see their reaction to something I've poured my heart and perverted mind into.

I planned on writing many more ship fics for pathologic, but Lingum Vitea was left in the dust so I decided against sharing my ship writing with these people anymore. Petty? yeah, but it is my own writing at the end of the day.

That's why I enjoy posing on tumblr, the interactions, the anons. It truly feels like you're part of a community, which is what fanfics were about before. Hell, it was what all fandoms were about before, remember when artists received anons discussing their vision and inspiration?

Now it's radio silence on AO3, or maybe my style specifically didn't click with them? I don't like multie chaptered works, I get bored of ideas easily and I can tell a whole story in less than 3k words.

Either way.

Be unhinged if you want, or don't. You can do whatever you want for eternity. This is for any person currently reading this and not just you squirrel anon. I don't lose anything by your shyness at the end of the day, but you certainly do.

The chances you might miss on, the opportunities, the self-acceptance and fullfillment. Let those 13 layers of irony melt away, we can be mature again sex and fetishes, we are adults after all, aren't we?

God, I hate the fact I had to tag my sub/dom post with ♧crack just so people take it as a light-hearted "lol im so crazy" moment. And they did, rather than start a genuine discussion about their role placement or how being dom/sub relieves stress and many other things.

I don't actually feel that strongly about any of this, I'm just frustrated about certain life events rn and it's easier to take my emotions out on this trival matter.

I have to go to a funeral today, I saved a draft of your request. I'll write it when I have the energy, I hope you do enjoy my bg3 writing in the meanwhile. And do leave a comment there or something if you do, just because I wrote it in the past doesn't mean I don't care about it anymore. I still check the bg3 blog notes and it is sad how people just like or reblog things without any comments because the author isn't actively posting anymore, it is borderline insulting.

Good thing I don't care about this, right?

[swordbisexual]

I love Vissenta, I’m just curious what makes you so passionate about her? It’s amazing to see, especially watching her change as you do. What about her drives you to love her so much? (Please infodump away <3)

I love her too! God I love her so much. I've told this story so many times that I'm afraid it's all old news by now, but I always like to tell it again. (Beneath a cut to preserve the dashboard, lol.)

Vissenta started out as a rogue for a mini tabletop campaign with close friends, back in... 2019, I believe. It was actually my first time playing D&D, and I ended up taking a good bit of inspiration from The Lies of Locke Lamora for her character at first. I had this notion of a youngest daughter from a notorious crime family, and said daughter was actually really, really terrible at being the kind of criminal she was supposed to be. In fact, it was being terrible at it (i.e. getting shit-faced drunk on a job) that saved her from being killed in a plot that wiped out the rest of her family. Might sound unrecognizable from who she is today, but well, she's had some years on her.

In 2020, I got into The Arcana, and rather than use my own name to play the game, I put in Vissenta's. She instantly felt at home in the story, especially romancing Julian Devorak, and I fell into the tumblr fandom not long after I started writing fanfic for the pairing. That was when she really started to take shape as the character she is today: a youngest daughter, clairvoyant, and with a special connection to Death. And really, really fond of knives and swords.

As I got into a groove, so did she. She fell in love with other characters, formed bonds that reflect my real-life friendships, and shaped her own story with what felt like only a little guidance from me. I think one reason why I love Vissenta so much is that she sparked a kind of creative energy in me that I'd been struggling to find for years. She isn't me, but she is the avenue through which I explore so many themes that I love to return to again and again: love, sex, death, and the intersection of all three. She is always evolving, but always remains herself, and at this point feels as real and vibrant to me as beloved characters from the canons I've now woven her into.

And I think that's reflected in how people receive her, too. I know that the passion and energy she inspires in me is apparent, and that people enjoy it, which inspires me to keep creating. Bringing her into BG3, whether as Tav or Durge, has been what's helped me find my own personal vantage point and understanding of the story, and I love to see how one shapes the other, back and forth, always evolving.

She's been my lens to explore for years. I wouldn't have it any other way.

[gale-force-storm]

I, R, W xxx

Oooh, good ones! Ok,

I: How many fandoms have you written in? Do you have a favorite? Oh gosh, several lol. Looks like I've posted in 7 on AO3. A handful of very old BBC Sherlock fics from back in high school (like, originally posted on ffn old lol), several podcasts over the years (Welcome to Night Vale, The Penumbra Podcast, Wolf 359, Eos 10, and The Magnus Archives), and now BG3 of course 💕 I wouldn't call any of them my favorite, per se. I know it's super cheesy, but they've all been special to me in their own ways, and have generally been what I needed at that point in my life.

R: Which writers (fanfic or otherwise) do you consider the biggest influence on you and your writing? That's tough! I've always read a lot, so it's hard to pick out just a few. I'm not sure I'd call it an influence, but Douglas Adams's writing was a big "ah-ha" moment for me of just what was possible with words and descriptions. Neil Gaiman and Terry Pratchett's works (Good Omens has been a favorite since high school), have such stunning character writing and voice, and that's definitely had an impact as well. And ngl, I read a lot of cheesy romance novels in high school and undergrad which I think shows through in my romance and smut writing lol. As for fanfic writers, I've been genuinely blessed to always seem to end up in fandom circles with shockingly talented writers. I seriously don't know how I keep getting so lucky. To list them all and explain the impact they've had on me would take a short book on its own. Suffice it to say that I wouldn't be the writer I am today, and wouldn't still be growing like I am, if it weren't for all the amazing, talented people I've met through fandom ❤

W: What's your favorite pairing to write? Favorite pairing to read? *Looks at my blog* Well, for the current fandom I think the answer is self-evident lol. Seriously though, I am currently really enjoying reading and writing Gale/Tav fics. Despite how long I've been active in fandom, this is the first time I've ever done anything with OCs, and been in a space so welcoming to and enthusiastic about them, so it's been a really cool and exciting new experience for me! More broadly speaking, I love any pairing that's two imperfect people doing their best and learning and growing together. I want relationships in fiction to feel real and relatable, with all the joys and pitfalls that come with that

Thanks for the ask! 💖

[moonnue]

It's recently been brought to my attention that people that are speaking out for me are being harassed. I'll be answering that persons ask below the cut as I don't want to fill people's feeds with more drama, but I do think it's important to discuss. There is also very helpful info on how to report on Ao3 if you have not done it before!

In any case, I strongly encourage that you block, report, and move on if someone tries to pester you about this. Be careful out there!

I am so, so sorry this has been happening to you. I just wrote a simple fanfic and it is baffling that something like this can come out of it. It really ain't that deep. I also agree with you! I can't believe the other writer and I are the same age like please i'm begging you to leave this childish behavior behind. It is so silly. We left this behind in high school.

Report Link: https://archiveofourown.org/abuse_reports/new

Thanks so much for your words of support and you're help. It truly means a lot to me. Again, I am so sorry you have gotten caught up in all this. Wishing you well! ♥

@softpastelqueer

Text version of images below:

Hey, sorry to bother you again (I know you want to move on from this), but I received a bunch of unhinged asks/harassment myself (including threats) both for supporting you/being against an obvious mass bullying campaign against you and for joking that Titanic must’ve also stolen from them. The Protag drawing Astarion really was done before both of y’all, so I’m staunchly with you there

Obviously, it’s ridiculous to claim the protag of stories being an artist drawing a character is akin to copy written intellectual property. It’s a really REALLY old idea and it’s genuinely ridiculous to claim ownership over that. Even more ridiculous to consider we’re all older adults. Shouldn’t we all be busy stretching so our lower backs won’t hurt??? Like c’mon guys this is silly

Furthermore, what’s even more ridiculous is to encourage harassment of others. Again, we’re somehow all adults? If their claims of plagiarism were provable beyond the vague hand waving away of now owning the entire concept of writing about artists drawing people, then why did they and their crowd harass me instead of trying to convince me? I am a rando who didn’t know either of you and actually found YOU through one of THEIR first posts spamming the BG3 tag with encouragements to others to “teach you plagiarism is not okay” aka harassment.

I am both an artist AND professional editor for novels, manuscripts, and the like. I was trained to spot real plagiarism. Not a single bit of your structure could be flagged as plagiarism beyond the same premise.

Now that that’s been said. They’re still harassing you (and me now I suppose) and so I recommend you and others to report them on AO3. They’ve created an AO3 post further encouraging harassing you and encouraging falsely reporting your story for plagiarism.

If you’ve never had to report anybody before, here’s what mine looks like

[IMAGE]

My full report says “This person (WanderingIsobel) has been targeting and harassing the other writer (MoonNue) and also encouraging other people to harass them and report their story under the claim it’s plagiarism to use the same generic story premise. Half of the harassment is on tumblr while the other half of the harassment is on here, AO3. The other writer has explained many times that they have never read their story and to please leave them alone, but now they made an entire AO3 post dedicated to encouraging people to report and “comment” aka harass them over a weird fake accusation. It’s making it hostile both for the writer of Portrait Of A Vampire and for readers in general.”

Link for the AO3 Reporting

But Holy shit I am so sorry you’re getting caught up in fandom unwellness the rest of tumblr makes fun of. Whatever you need, I’m here to help, including even venting. I am sorry You’re a victim of a mass harassment/bullying campaign.

[dragonologist-phd]

Fanfic writer asks!

G: If you wrote a sequel to Love & War, what would it be about?

Y: What are your thoughts on your personal satisfaction with something you’ve written vs. the popularity of your stories?  Do you tend to be most satisfied with your most popular stories?

thank you!

G: If you wrote a sequel to Love & War, what would it be about?

Love & War is going to take Cleo and Galfrey through the game timeline, so a sequel would be about what they get up to post-canon. i do have some vague ideas about that- any sequel would probably follow them traveling together as Cleo goes to reunite with her tribe and her family, and would focus on them adjusting to their new lives as they leave Crusade behind.

Even after their happy ending, they're both messy people who went through a lot, so their would be a lot of working through that emotional fallout, learning to fit into a new day-to-day lifestyle, and some family reunion shenanigans (i don't have many specifics, but i know Cleo gets to be a Cool Aunt to her cousin's kids!)

No promises about any of that actually being written just yet, but that's what i imagine!

Y: What are your thoughts on your personal satisfaction with something you’ve written vs. the popularity of your stories?  Do you tend to be most satisfied with your most popular stories?

Ha, it tends to be the opposite, but that's more to do with fandom size! For a long time my fic with the most hits was Beautiful Things, my Mass Effect: Andromeda fic, which is a bunch of one-shots about my ryder's playthrough...and it's fine! it was fun to write. but it's kind of older now, and i definitely think i've improved since then, and looking back it just feels a little bland compared to some of my other stuff? but i was writing right as the game came out, and for ages it was my most popular thing stat-wise

Now my BG3 fic Midnight Black and Paris Green has blown it out of the water, and again- it's a fandom size thing, it's getting those numbers because it's BG3. As much fun as I'm having with it, there are lots of other fics that only a handful of people care about which I think are much better!