rewatching charles' death scene and overthinking things again!
i've seen it discussed that edwin didn't mention hell to charles until he was convincing him to go with death (*cough cough* @dont-offend-the-bees' stunning soulmate au)
but i thought about something else, and i don't know if it was deliberate or not: edwin doesn't gesture with his hands during the death scene. like, at all. he holds the lantern out to charles, but the next time he really uses his hands is the "you stay and i go" -- and even that is a very simple gesture, hands out and then folded over his chest. compare this to all edwin's fun gestures in the main series, which are twirly and elegant and unselfconscious
my theory is that this was supposed to convince charles to stay, just like the mention of hell should have. edwin had spent his life being judged for the way he moves. he was called names and bullied and ritually sacrificed for it, everyone reading something in it of him that he hadn't even had the chance to realise
but here is a boy in an attic, dying to the same sort of boys that existed here seven decades ago, and there is no one else but edwin. the thought of someone else dying with the loneliness he felt is unbearable, so he can keep him company. never mind that this boy would not want him close if he could see what everyone else did. edwin can keep himself under control, can fold himself away into the image of a normal boy, can clasp his hands properly in front of him or clench them around his knees, for the few hours it will take this boy to move on to the heaven he is meant for. because if charles saw the echoes of his sixteen years of life and his seventy-three years of hell in him, he would never wish to stay
except that charles rowland does
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bro this my guy.... this my dude.... thank god he did nothing wrong ever
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started a new job recently as a research assistant for a gay Latinx professor in my grad program, and while I definitely don't have the time to be doing my own research, working with this professor on his book projects has been so affirming and healing. i'm working on a book he hopes to publish soon that is full of interviews of gay and trans Latine men...and it is so fucking awesome. I feel so seen by the words I am reading, and I feel tears spring to my eyes looking at the photographs of these men. They look like family members, distant cousins, and family friends. They look so happy and full of confidence. I see myself in their eyes, recognizing the "fish" shape in our eyes that is so distinctly tied to Latines. One of the men in the book is a pup! And it is so beautiful seeing his smile as he holds his pup mask.
I have met very few queer latines. I don't know what it's like to have the tio or tia that has some secret aura to them, that "no se habla" vibes where everyone knows they're queer but just won't acknowledge it. Hell, this professor I'm working with is the first gay Latine man I've ever spoken to. I wish I had a community of gay Latines. I hope I am able to access that one day :)
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Sending love to trans people with a culturally different idea of gender than what is considered the """norm"""
I hope you are able to honour your gender and your culture peacefully, however that may (or may not) look like. It can be hard, but you deserve to not have to sacrifice your gender or your culture. They can (and should!) coexist without you needing to apologize or qualify.
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