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avis-writeshq · 11 months

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02 — haunted

summary: “something’s gone terribly wrong, you’re all i wanted.”/“you’re not gone, you can’t be gone.” pairing: spencer reid x fem!reader genre: best friends to lovers, hurt/comfort, fluff, angst warnings: rated 16+ for alcohol, religious talk (inaccurate portrayal of Christianity), vomit, INCREDIBLY CANON COMPLIANT ‼️IF YOU WERE TRIGGERED BY S2 EP15 REVELATIONS IN CRIMINAL MINDS, DO NOT READ THIS‼️ wc: 10.1k a/n: another special mention to @astrophileous for beta reading and hyping me up!! love you loads zahra 🤎 (she's also doing an AMAZING derek morgan series that i have the honour in beta-in so if you have time please do check it out!! it is an absolute work of art) SPARKS FLY MASTERLIST // MAIN MASTERLIST

There is never a dull day when working at the BAU. After weeks of cases and paperwork, a night out was exactly what everyone needed. A place to get drunk, have fun and unwind– and O'Keefe's was the exact place to do just that.

“You know, you can at least try to look like you’re having fun,” Emily muses, nudging your shoulder.

Emily joined the team soon after Elle had resigned, and as much as you missed your friend, you enjoyed Emily’s company. She’s too observant for her own good; grinning at you from across the room whenever you have the slightest interaction with certain people. She’s a brilliant addition to the team, much to your chagrin, but you know it’s all in good fun. Well, all in good fun for her.

You shoot her a playful glare, sipping on your drink. “I am having fun!”

“Liar,” Emily says instantly, grinning at you. “C’mon, what’s going on?”

“Nothing,” you deny, “I’m just tired. Things have been… busy to say the least. I’m just glad that the team is getting some R&R. Well deserved, might I add. How are you? You know, with joining the team and all that.”

She smiles in your direction before downing a shot and shrugging. “It’s been good! Yeah, everyone is so… welcoming. It’s nice.”

“Different to a desk job?” You ask with a teasing lilt in your voice.

Emily laughs softly. “Yeah, totally.”

Your gaze shifts to where Spencer is sitting, for once enjoying himself in such a crowded area. He’s talking to two strangers at a table, his hands gesticulating as he explains something and the two people seem thoroughly amused.

“So… Spencer, huh?”

You frown. “Why does everyone keep saying that?”

Emily laughs, “You’re staring at him with heart eyes. Anyone can tell. Except for him, apparently.”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“For a profiler, you’re a horrible liar.”

You let out something that sounds akin to a dying cow, turning your attention back to your drink. Your attention wavers and it shifts back to Spencer who is enthusiastically talking about something to the two amused guests. He grins at them as they drink, his own cup still full. Derek is thoroughly enjoying himself as he dances with a group of girls, and you can see Aaron and Haley dancing together on the floor as well. It’s wholesome, seeing everyone in their casual wear and just having fun.

“You should talk to him,” Emily tries again, nudging you. “I’ll buy you a drink if you do.”

You raise an eyebrow. “You’re bribing me to talk to my best friend?”

“I’m bribing you to give me entertainment,” she corrects, laughing.

“You’re horrible,” you tell her, smiling, as you walk past her in Spencer’s direction. “I expect that drink to be delivered to me.”

“Deal!” She calls after you, downing a shot as she watches you.

Spencer smiles when he sees you make your way over to him, shuffling his chair to the side to give you more room.

“Hi,” he murmurs, pulling your seat closer to him. “Having fun?”

“I should be asking that to you,” you respond, smiling. The two people he was once talking to take their leave, giggling about something you couldn’t quite make out. “I didn’t mean to scare away your company.”

He immediately shakes his head at your words. “I’d rather talk to you anyway.”

You can’t help the silly grin that spreads across your face or the way your cheeks heat up and you cough. “Well, I hope I can live up to your expectations.”

Spencer laughs, his hand gravitating to your knee and he squeezes good-naturedly. “You exceed them.”

You think he’s trying to kill you and you swear you stop breathing as you choke out, “I’m glad.”

It isn’t long before Emily makes good on her promise, and a waiter appears on your left. He presents a drink to your table, the glass adorned with a lemon rind and a raspberry, and you eagerly take a gulp.

Spencer frowns a little as he watches you drink. “Aren’t you going to question who it’s from?”

“I know who it’s from,” you respond cheerfully, letting out a contented sigh. You offer the drink to him, moving the straw so that it’s pointing in his direction. “Want some?”

He eyes the pink drink suspiciously. “What is it?”

“It’s a Pink Bikini!” You chirp, sipping the drink again. “Like… coconut rum, raspberries, and lemonade. It’s good, Spence, you can barely taste the alcohol.”

His nose scrunches at the idea of coconut rum. “I dunno.”

“You’re not gonna get drunk from one sip,” you protest happily, a little tipsy. “It’s good! Besides, how do you know you’re not going to like it if you never try it?”

“You’re literally drunk right now!” He points out, laughing a little and moving the drink out of your reach. “Give it to me.”

“That’s only because I had a couple drinks earlier,” you argue, lunging for the glass. You’re quick but Spencer is quicker (and taller), and he chugs the drink before slamming it back onto the table. “Spencer!”

He grins at you, smacking his lips as he plays with the paper straw. “I’m protecting you, (Y/N). Who knows what you would’ve done if you drank any more.”

“You’re insufferable,” you chastise half-heartedly, “I was thirsty.”

“I have water,” he says, fishing a plastic bottle out of his satchel. He cracks the lid open, taking a sip himself before passing it to you. “Drinking even moderate amounts of alcohol can lead to dehydration. Drinking water slows down this effect, allowing the liver to metabolise the alcohol that was already consumed. This also means you won’t have as bad a hangover tomorrow morning.”

You beam at him, taking tentative sips from his water bottle. The fact that you’re drinking from the same bottle as him is not lost on you, nor the fact that he finished your drink by using your straw– your lipgloss stained straw– and he didn’t even bat an eye.

“What would I do without you?” You croon, handing his bottle back.

“Probably die of dehydration,” he responds, taking one last gulp of water, before returning the bottle back to his bag.

“Ah, yes, that’s right,” you laugh again, beaming at him. You’re not sure if it’s from the drinks, but you can feel your cheeks begin to flush. Did it get hotter in here?

“Hey, sorry to be the bearer of bad news but we have a case,” JJ pats your shoulder sympathetically, frowning. “Horrible timing, but it’s urgent.”

You all but whine. “But I’m tipsy.”

“I’ve got aspirin in my bag,” JJ says, “you’ll be fine.”

“Stupid serial killer,” you huff, getting up from your seat. “They owe me a day off.”

***

“You know it never fails. Just as I’m getting my groove thang going, bam! We’re back at the BAU,” Derek says, pouring himself a much needed cup of coffee and sitting at the roundtable.

Spencer shrugs. “You know, statistically, a case doesn’t come in with any more frequency if you’re at a party or gathering than if you aren’t. It’s a… trick of the mind. We merely remember the ones that came in that way more.”

“Besides, how long does it take for you to get your ‘groove thang’ going anyway?” You tease, sipping from your own cup of coffee, and Emily cackles from beside you.

“Only when he’s sleeping,” Gideon comments, walking into the conference room and taking off his coat.

Hotch’s brows raise in a mixture of surprise and concern. “Where were you tonight?”

“I told you, I went to the Smithsonian,” he grunts as he sits into his chair.

“You missed a good time,” Emily insists, smiling.

“I had a good time,” Gideon responds, his attention turning back to the screen where JJ was getting ready to present the latest case.

“Well, that’s definitely over,” she says, flicking the screen on. “Georgia. The Kyles– Dennis and Lacy– were murdered an hour ago in the suburban Atlanta home.”

Hotch’s brows raise in surprise. “An hour ago?”

JJ nods. “Police were on the scene unusually fast.”

“Why?” Derek asks, leaning over the table.

“One of the UnSubs called them and told them that the other was about to murder the victims.”

You huff out a laugh in disbelief. “You’re kidding.”

“From inside the house.” JJ purses her lips, gesturing to the transcript that was printed out in their files. “According to the dispatcher, the first male sounded terrified and begged them to get there before the other, who they both identified as Raphael, was about to kill the sinners that lived there.”

“‘Sinners’?” Hotch echoes.

JJ nods again, a grimace painted over her features. “The 911 centre is going to send Garcia the tape.”

“How fast was the police response time?” Spencer asks, glancing at the screen.

“Four minutes, twenty-six seconds. During which time Raphael was able to do…” JJ clicks a button on the remote and an array of gruesome crime scene photos popped up onto the screen. “This.”

“In four and a half minutes?” Emily asks incredulously, frowning.

Garcia immediately turns away from the screen, clutching her mug closer to her chest. You can’t help but cringe as well from the violence presented in the photos: blood everywhere, smeared across the walls and floors of the house, and the victims lifeless.

“Mr. Kyle is a dot-com millionaire. His company is one of the largest employers in the community. There’s going to be media coverage. Also, when they arrived, the police found this displayed prominently on the bed.”

Another image appears on the screen, this time a page of the Bible placed into a plastic evidence bag with a certain section highlighted.

“Revelation, Chapter 6, Verse 8,” Hotch reads for the rest of the team.

Derek can’t help but scoff. “They’re killing sinners.”

“These guys are on a mission. And mission-based killers will not stop killing,” Spencer says with a wince.

“‘And I looked, and behold, a pale horse, and his name that sat upon him was Death,” Hotch begins, eyes trained on the Bible page.

Gideon continues, his voice quiet and grim, “And Hell followed with him.”

***

You sigh tiredly as you slump into the seat beside Spencer, playing with the cap of your water bottle. The sky outside is painted in oranges and purples as the sun begins to rise, and you try to hold back the frustrated groan when you see the blaring ‘4:22AM’ flash on your watch.

“Is everything okay?” Spencer asks quietly, looking over at you.

You shake your head, running your fingers through your hair. “I just… I have a bad feeling about this case. There’s something… off about it.”

He hums in thought, “we’ve dealt with religious motives before, though.”

“I know but just–” you huff, leaning against the headrest. “It’s just weird. I mean, usually if one of the UnSubs were partnered with someone who was a liability, they’d eliminate them. But that’s just not happening here.”

“Don’t think about the case,” Spencer says gently, resting the palm of his hand flat against your knee. “It’ll be fine, trust me.”

When you don’t respond, he pokes your cheek gently shooting you a lopsided smile. “Hey. It’ll be okay.”

“I hope it will be,” you respond quietly, moving so that your cheek is pressed against his shoulder. “But you saw those images; what the UnSubs can do in less than five minutes. I know it’s nothing we haven’t seen before but–”

“(Y/N).” He squeezes your knee again and you flush as he continues to speak. “It’ll be okay. We’ll be back home before you know it. Trust me.”

You nod, although you can’t shake this feeling off. “Promise you’ll be safe?”

Spencer smiles at you. “Promise.”

***

“I think I’m gonna be sick,” you mutter, turning away as the video of Mr. Kyle being murdered plays on repeat. Your stomach churns at the mere mental image that pops up in your mind, and a chill run downs your spine.

The case is a lot more gruesome than you expected it to be, especially when it came to the team’s attention that a video of the murder was circulating the internet. The video was currently being played on loop, with the voice of the UnSubs playing out of the computer. You thought you saw it all but this was unlike anything you’ve ever experienced.

That is, until Spencer stood from his seat.

“Agent Franks?” He whispers, looking towards the lead detective. “Does this building have wireless internet?”

Agent Franks nods. “Yeah. Why?”

Spencer swallows, gesturing to the computer. “That camera’s on right now. The computer has connected itself to the internet; it’s streaming a video feed somewhere.”

Hotch’s concern only deepens, along with the frown on his face. “Can we trace the stream to the destination?”

“If we keep it open, Garcia might be able to–” Spencer begins, only to be cut off by a beeping from the computer.

In bright red lettering, the words: ‘THE ARMIES OF SATAN SHALL NOT PREVAIL’ flash against the black screen before turning off.

“So, they’re controlling it remotely?” Hotch asks, his arms crossed over his chest.

“Is that even possible?” Emily asks in disbelief.

“Yeah, you can totally access someone’s computer remotely. It’s actually done a lot today when a mortal calls for tech support. Instead of giving you instructions the tech can work on your computer from wherever she is,” Garcia explains through the phone.

“And they maintain the access even after the work is done?” Hotch asks.

“They’re not supposed to, but I suppose you could install a Trojan horse.”

Spencer turns to Gideon. “Something left in the computer to be turned on later. It’s the same way that websites get pop-up ads onto your computer.”

“Garcia can you check the Kyles’ phone records and see if they called tech support in the last six months?” Hotch requests as he flips through the Kyle family’s folder.

“Right-o. Oh, and if you get me the laptop I can search the drive for anything implanted there.”

Hotch nods. “As fast as we can.”

“By the way, this video? It’s gone crazy viral.”

Gideon frowns. “What does that mean?”

“That means it’s the most downloaded video on the entire Internet. Worldwide. And judging by the responses people seem to think it’s pretty cool.”

“Call us if you find anything on the Kyles’ computer,” Hotch mutters, before the phone hangs up.

“Honestly, they probably don’t even realise that the video is real,” you say quietly, pinching the bridge of your nose. “I mean, you see a video on the internet. The last thing you’d think is that it’s actual people being murdered.”

“They probably think that it’s marketing for a horror film or something,” JJ adds on, but the look on her face is just as disgusted.

“Well, the UnSubs were right about one thing,” Derek mutters, nodding grimly. “The world is pretty screwed up.”

***

After hours of going through files and trying to find a paper trail, you’re left with a mountain of paperwork in front of you and sore eyes. You press the pads of your fingers against the corner of your eyes, slumping over the table.

“Hey.”

Spencer’s voice brings you out of your thoughts and you peek a look at him. “Hm?”

A takeaway cup of coffee is placed in front of you and you immediately perk up. He chuckles softly, patting your head. “You looked like you needed it.”

You spy the name written across the paper cup and frown. “It’s your coffee.”

“You need it more than me,” he says honestly, smiling. “Besides, I’m okay.”

You take a tentative sip of the drink, the sweetness of the sugar overwhelming the bitter taste of the coffee but you don’t mind it. Instead, you didn’t actually mind it; especially because it’s from him.

“Thank you,” you murmur. “We can share it if you want.”

He shakes his head ‘no’, turning back to the files on the page. “Where did you get up to?”

“Nowhere special. Agent Franks is right; there’s nothing in any of the files relating to knife fights that are remotely similar to the case,” you say, slumping against the table and leaning your head on your arm. “I’ve got six or so left to go through but I’m not getting much luck anyway.”

At that moment, JJ enters the room, holding another cream coloured file. “What if we were looking at this the wrong way?”

Hotch turns to her. “What do you mean?”

“I looked for unsolved home invasions. Three months ago there was a prowler called in directly outside of the Kyles’ house.”

Your brows knit together at her words and look up at her. “A prowler?”

JJ nods. “The witness was walking his dog in a nearby park. Going back to his car, he saw a man in dark clothing go over the back wall and start sneaking up to the house. By the time the police got there, the prowler was gone.”

“Only one man?” Hotch asks.

“Apparently.”

“Was the witness able to describe the man?” Spencer questions.

JJ looks into the papers before shaking her head. “If he did, it’s not in this case file.

Hotch looks at JJ then back at the corkboard. “Is there a name and address to the witness?”

“Tobias Hankel,” JJ reads. “Lives about an hour from here.”

Hotch lets out a heavy sigh, rubbing his eyes. “It’s a long shot, but he might be able to give us a description. Why don’t you and Reid go out there, see if you can find Mr Hankel, and see if he remembers anything.”

You immediately frown, perking up at his words. “I can go too, sir. There’s a safety in numbers.”

“You’re exhausted and we need you here,” Hotch says, immediately shutting your suggestion down. “We don’t need three people to talk to a witness.”

Your face falls and your stomach churns. “I understand that, sir, but it’s late and wouldn’t it be safer if more people go?”

“We’ll be fine,” Spencer reassures, squeezing your arm. “We’ll be armed and we’ve got our phones.”

A small breath escapes you and you nod slowly, chewing your bottom lip. “Okay. Be safe.”

He smiles. “I will.”

JJ snickers lightly, turning to Hotch. “Be safe,” she echoes, grinning.

Hotch can’t help but chuckle as he returns with, “I’ll be so safe.”

“Oh shut up,” you laugh, rolling your eyes. “I’m gonna kill you.”

JJ grins. “But how will that keep us safe?”

You throw an eraser at her shoulder in response and she laughs loudly, walking out of the room. Spencer squeezes your arm again, rubbing your shoulder through the fabric of his jumper before following after her.

It isn’t long before the lead detective rushes into the room, his words flying out of his mouth. “Agent Hotchner, we got another murder.”

***

“Tobias Hankel is the UnSub.”

Five words is all it takes for your world to come crashing down around you. Hankel? The UnSub? Your mouth is dry as the head detective explains about the dogs and you think you’re going to throw up. Your mind spins and your chest pounds with anxiety because oh God, what’s going to happen to the others?

“We sent Spencer and JJ there,” you whisper, your throat closing up. You tug desperately at your collar, trying to breathe. “Oh my God, we sent them there. We sent them there.”

“Hey, hey,” Derek is quick to ground you, gripping your shoulders firmly. “They’ll be okay. It’s Spencer Genius Reid and Jennifer Bad-ass Jareau. They’ll be okay.”

You shake your head firmly, pulling away from his grasp and clutching your head. “I should be there with them. I should have gone with them. We don’t know what Tobias is capable of, Morgan, something could have happened to them.”

“We’re dispatching police now,” the detective says, getting off the phone.

Tears spill from the corners of your eyes and you try to keep your breathing steady. It doesn’t work. The room is spinning and you can’t see straight. The words your team are trying to get through to you fades into background noise and you let out a choked sob.

“They could be–” Your words don’t make it off your tongue and you turn, gesturing to the black screen that was once playing the video of the woman and the dogs. “Oh my God.”

“(Y/N),” Emily holds your shoulders tightly, her words a mixture of firmness and care as she tries to snap you out of it. “They’re going to be okay. We have to go there now.”

“They can’t be gone. Spencer can’t be gone,” you say, more to yourself than anything. “Yeah. Okay. Let’s go. We have to find them.”

The others don’t need to be told twice. You get into the passenger seat with Emily, trying to calm your breathing. One hour is too long. Why does Tobias have to live so far away? You press the palm of your hand to your mouth, the lump in your throat getting bigger. Hot tears fall down your cheeks as the world becomes a blur of flashing lights and you try not to cry. It’s your fault. You should have been there with him. There’s safety in numbers. Why didn’t you trust your gut?

“Don’t do that,” Emily says sternly, gripping the wheel tighter.

You can’t bring yourself to respond, merely shaking your head adamantly.

“Stop blaming yourself,” Emily tries again, glancing at you for a second before turning her attention back to the road. “It’s not your fault.”

“I should be there with them.” Your voice cracks pathetically and you wipe furiously at your eyes.

“You couldn’t have known.”

“I should have.”

She looks at you again. “Stop. You couldn’t have known. It’s not your fault.”

The rest of the car ride is silent. You’ve learned that this is the hardest part of the job: losing someone. Losing someone because of a job. It seems ridiculous, considering that it’s something so miniscule in the grand scheme of things, and yet it is the most common factor in divorces. A lack of commitment. Instead of committing to something that actually matters and can’t be replaced, their attention turns to something so lacklustre. If Spencer were here he would tell you the exact statistics. If Spencer were here, you wouldn’t even need to think about the statistics.

The sound of sirens echo through the once quiet country area and the police officers file out of their cars. You fasten your Kevlar vest over your chest hastily, fumbling with the clasps as you jump out of the car.

“John, Bobby, take the house with Hotch, Gideon and (L/N),” the captain orders, pointing towards the house.

Your stomach lurches as Hotch busts the door open, and you move upstairs with your gun pointed out.

“Clear!” You yell, rendezvousing with Hotch and Gideon soon after.

“Downstairs is clear,” Hotch says, nodding towards you.

“Then where the hell is he?” Gideon mutters, looking around the rooms of the house.

The blood rushes to your ears and the air grows thick. You can’t breathe. The house is unmaintained with mould growing in the corners of the rooms and dust gathering on the shelves, the paint on the walls cracking from water damage. Your eyes sting as the air pricks at your skin, and your legs carry you down the stairs and out the house.

“JJ,” you breathe, your eyes wide as you meet the blonde sitting at the back of an ambulance. You pull her into a hug. “You’re okay.”

It’s a different JJ to what you’re used to. She’s always been put together with not a hair out of place. She’s usually so full of life and mirth, bringing a sense of serenity and security when you need it most but this…

Her blue eyes are red and puffy from crying and she’s shaking miserably against your body. She scratches at her wrists and picks at the bandages, her bottom lip trembling. Her gun is set beside her, not in the holster she usually carries it in.

“(Y/N),” she sobs, her voice cracking. “I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry.”

“What happened?” You demand. “Where’s Spencer?”

“I’m so sorry,” she repeats, shaking her head. “I tried–”

“Where is he, Jennifer?” You ask, pulling away from her like she burned you. “Where is he?”

She sobs again, clutching her head. “I don’t know, we separated–”

“What do you mean you separated?!” You’re trying not to scream. Your thoughts are running a million miles an hour. Spencer is gone. He’s gone. “Why would you do that?”

Jennifer lets out a wail, trying to explain herself through broken words. “We didn’t– he said– I’m sorry I’m sorry–”

“‘Sorry’ doesn’t bring him here, does it?” The words are harsh and low, and you tug at your collar again. “He’s not here, Jennifer! Does that mean nothing to you?!”

“(L/N), that’s enough.”

Hotch’s voice makes you snap your head in his direction and you see red.

“I told you I should have gone with them,” you snap, and it doesn’t even occur to you that this man is your boss. “If I went with them, Spencer would still be here right now!”

“(L/N).”

“No.” You glare at him menacingly, too deep in your anger to even comprehend anything else. “He should be here right now! He should– he should be spouting out statistics or coming up with some theory! He should be here and he’s not!”

“We’ll find him. Trust me.”

“I did!” You yell, your voice fervent. “I trusted your judgement! And look where that got us. Spencer is gone. He’s not here, Hotch, because I trusted you!”

“(Y/N), enough.” Hotch is firm and he stares you down. “That is enough, do I need to remind you who you are speaking to?”

In an instant you stop, your heart lurching and you quiver. “... This is my fault.”

He immediately shakes his head no. “It’s not your fault.”

“I should have gone with him. I should have– it’s my fault. It’s my fault.” Your eyes well with tears and you tug at your hair erratically. “He can’t be gone. He’s not gone. He’ll figure something out. Why didn’t I do something? I should have–”

“Stop it. (Y/N), stop.” Hotch grips your shoulders squarely, bending down so that he’s eye level with you. “Take deep breaths.”

Your lungs burn as you try to breathe, hot ragged breaths leaving your lips shakily as you cover your face with the palms of your hands. Tears fall down your cheeks and gather in your hands as you make a desperate attempt to calm yourself down. It’s all too much. The sky is pitch black and the feeling of cold rain stings and bites your skin. The sounds of sirens fade away and for a moment it’s just quiet. Quiet, except for the words and the voices that swirl in your mind.

“A man that matches Hankel’s description was spotted in the next town over.”

Derek’s words bring you out of your thoughts and you manage a soft, “What?”

“Alright,” Hotch nods, before turning back to you. “Go back to the police department.”

“What?” Your ears are ringing. You must have heard wrong. “No. No, no, I can’t– no, Hotch, I’m not going back to the police department. Spencer is missing.”

“You’re too close to the case.”

A humourless laugh leaves your lips as you stare at him. “We’re all too close to the case, Hotch. Look around!”

“You attacked JJ and you raised your voice at me. I want you to go back to the police department and work the case from there.” He speaks to you as if he were speaking to a child and it makes you feel sick.

“Oh, so you’re punishing me?”

“No, I’m using you,” he says firmly, and then his voice softens. “It won’t do you any good to be here, (Y/N), you know that.”

“Aaron,” you try again, your voice wavering. “Please, don’t do this to me.”

“Go back and find us something that we can use.” He turns to one of the policemen. “Make sure she gets there.”

The policeman nods, tipping his hat, and gesturing for you to follow him.

“Wait I– let me talk to JJ. I need– just, please,” you say quickly, clearing your throat. “Sir.”

He’s sceptical before nodding. “Go ahead.”

You don’t need to be told twice. In moments you turn back to the ambulance, letting out a heavy breath. “I’m sorry.”

JJ shakes her head adamantly. “No, you’re right. It was my fault.”

“It’s not,” you say quietly. “I know Spencer and I know you. It was… probably his idea to split up.”

She smiles wryly, fiddling at the bandage on her arm.

“It’s not your fault,” you say again. You’re not sure who you’re trying to convince anymore. “You went through something too and I ignored that and that wasn’t right of me. I’m sorry.”

JJ sniffles, pursing her lips. “I’m so sorry.”

“Don’t be,” you respond quietly, patting her arm. “I need to go. Um, Hotch wants me off the case, or something.”

She nods. “Okay.”

You look at her again, the guilt building like bile in your stomach. “I really am sorry.”

“I know,” she whispers, wiping the tears away from her eyes. “We’ll find him.”

You don’t respond.

***

Everything hurts. His head is pounding and he can feel the sticky blood drip from the side of his head and against his cheek. His feet hurt from each thwack of wood, and his wrists hurt from the handcuffs. It’s cold. So, so cold, and he feels so weak. No amount of knowledge or training could have prepared him for this.

Spencer’s throat throbs from crying. No matter how many times he tries to convince whatever personality is taking over Tobias, it never seems to work. What’s the point of being a profiler if he can’t even save himself?

The creaking of the door brings him out of his thoughts and he jolts. Tobias, at least who appears to be Tobias, enters the room carrying a slaughtered animal. A shiver runs down Spencer’s spine and all he can do is watch.

“You need to eat,” the man says, his voice strangely soft and oddly calm.

“What’s your name?” Spencer asks, his voice small.

The man looks back at him. “Tobias.”

“Tobias, who was here before?” The fear is obvious in his voice and Spencer just wishes for an ounce of Hotch’s stoicism or Derek’s bravery.

Tobias chuckles weakly. “It was probably my father. I’m sorry if he hurt you.”

Before he could comprehend his movements, Tobias takes off his belt and walks over to him. Spencer fears the worst. Did Tobias’s father take over again? He tries to inch away, struggling against the restraints as best he could.

“W-What are you doing?” Spencer asks shakily, trying to pull away from him.

Tobias doesn’t respond, slipping one end of the belt above his elbow. Everything begins to click.

“No, no. Don’t. Please, please don’t.” He resorts to begging.

In this moment, Spencer hates the way his mind works because he doesn’t need to know the statistics. He doesn’t need to know that 75% of drug abusers started out using pain killers. His head swirls with what Tobias could be using. Codeine? Heroin? Opium? The list goes on and he tries to keep his breathing steady.

“It helps,” Tobias says, ignoring the way Spencer trembles and shakes his head adamantly. “Don’t tell my father. He doesn’t know they’re here.”

Tobias takes the syringe and the bottle out of his pocket and Spencer sobs even harder. He tries to appease him again, shrinking away as best he could in his chair.

“Please,” he tries again, his chest heaving and tears wetting his waterline. “Please, I don’t want it, I don’t want it.”

“Trust me. I know.”

“Please,” he begs, tears slipping down his cheeks. “Don’t.”

Tobias doesn’t listen.

The effects are far too quick for codeine, heroin or opium and Spencer can feel it hit. He knows it’s wrong. He can go on for hours about the statistics about it but the feeling so euphoric that he can’t help it. And then he sees it.

“We have another recruit as well. Came in a couple weeks ago,” Derek told him, walking him through the halls of the BAU headquarters. “She’s part of the academy Honours program. Top of the class, apparently.”

“Oh.” Spencer nodded slowly, fidgeting with the zip of his bag.

Derek grinned. “Relax, kid. You still have the most impressive résumé. She’s just an intern; doing paperwork, mainly.”

“I wasn’t– I wasn’t worried about that,” Spencer stammered, wetting his bottom lip. “I mean– not that I think she isn’t smart or anything. I just meant–”

“Kid, I mean it when you have to relax,” Derek snorted as he opens up the door to the bullpen “Meet the rest of the team.”

He walked through the doors, ready to make his mark. He’s spent so long believing that he was nothing but now… he took another step, meeting Hotch’s gaze and– he didn’t get very far when something catapulted into his side. There was a flurry of paper work and cream coloured files, case details splayed all over the floor. Spencer grunted a little, tumbling to the ground like a house of cards.

“Oh, my God, I am– I am so sorry, I wasn’t looking where I was going and I was running and I am not used to office attire! I am so sorry!”

The ramblings of a girl– she couldn’t be older than him, at least, not by much– filled Spencer’s ears and he grimaces. “No, it’s– it’s okay. Don’t– uh– don’t worry about it.”

“(Y/N)...” JJ huffed out a quiet laugh, helping the other girl to her feet. “Are you guys okay?”

“I’m okay,” Spencer said, slowly getting to his feet.

The girl didn’t do the same, instead scrambling to pick up the multitude of papers that litter the floor. “I’m fine! Just– great. Great. Brilliant.”

Spencer immediately started to reach for the papers, trying his best not crumple them up anymore than they already were. “You’re… the intern?”

“Is it that obvious?” You ask, breathless. “I’m still getting used to all…” You gesture wildly to the interior of the bullpen. “... this.”

“(Y/N), meet Doctor Spencer Reid. He’s the youngest addition to the team. Reid, meet (Y/N) (L/N). She’s part of the Academy Honours Program,” Gideon introduces, peering at the two of you from behind his glasses.

“Hi,” you said meekly, stretching out your hand.

His words hitched in his throat because once he’s gotten past the flying papers and the fact that you literally ran into him, he realises just how beautiful you are. You were right there in front of him, close enough to touch but–

“I don’t shake hands,” he said quietly, the anxiety gnawing at his stomach. His fingers twitch at his sides and he moves them to grip the handle of his satchel. “Sorry.”

You smile at him and his heart thunders in his chest. Is this how Romeo felt when he met Juliet? Or how Charles Bingley felt when he met Jane Bennett?

“It’s okay,” you told him, tucking the papers under your arm. “Don’t worry about it. So, you’re a doctor? That’s really cool!”

“Reid here got accepted into the BAU without even taking a physical exam,” Derek chimed in, practically bragging about Spencer’s intellectual prowess. “Isn’t that right, kid?”

“I’m not an athletic person,” Spencer said awkwardly, his worries dissipating when he heard you laugh good-naturedly. Regardless, he felt the urge to defend himself. “I’m not weak.”

JJ laughed along. “We know, Spencer.”

“I’m not weak… I’m not weak…”

“I don’t give a damn whether you’re weak or strong.”

Spencer barely manages to blink his eyes open as he hears the familiar timbre of Tobias’s father’s voice fill the room. He’s slowly coming down from the high of the drugs and the room spins as he does.

“Yell all you want boy,” Tobias sneers, bending down so that he’s eye level with Spencer. “Ain’t no one gonna hear you where you are.”

As if to prove his point, he begins to scream. Deep and rumbly, and it jolts Spencer back to reality. He wishes he was careful. He wishes he was with you.

***

“Tobias has dissociative identity disorder,” Garcia explains to you through the phone, and you slap a hand to your forehead.

“That makes so much sense,” You mutter to yourself, pacing around the room of the police department. “I should have seen it. It was right there in front of me and I missed it.”

Penelope hums, her voice tense with worry. “Don’t beat yourself up about it. No one knew until we started digging into the journals and cross-checking dates.”

“I know but–” You rub your eyes, cringing as stars litter your vision– “it was just so obvious. What else have you gotten?”

It has been a little over ten hours since Hotch sent you back to the police department and you haven’t gotten much sleep. You tried, you swear you tried, but every time you see the terrified face of Spencer and it makes you sick. The whiteboard in front of you is littered with different evidence files and profiles. Profiles on Tobias, profiles on the victims, geographical profiles… the list goes on.

“We know that Tobias is an addict,” Emily says. “He picked dilaudid as his poison.”

“For someone so hellbent on following the Bible, he’s incredibly hypocritical,” You say, jotting down the words onto the whiteboard.

“His personality is split into that of his father, Charles, and Raphael,” Emily continues, and you can hear the frown in her voice.

You’re about to say something when Garcia’s voice raises by an octave.

“Oh God,” she squeaks, and you can hear the clicking of keys in the background. “Morgan? Emily, get the others, oh my God!”

“What’s going on?” You demand urgently, gripping the phone tighter. “Garcia, what’s going on?”

“It’s Spencer,” her voice is hushed and far from the speaker, and your heart sinks to your stomach.

“What happened? Penelope, what happened?”

“We have to go,” she says hurriedly, and the sound of footsteps from the rest of the team fill the speaker.

“No! Wait, don’t hang—“

The sound of the prolonged dial tone echoes in your ears and you resist the urge to scream. You press the pads of your fingers to your eyes, hot tears wetting your skin. Crying will get you nowhere and you know that. You know that Spencer is holding on. He’s relying on the BAU to save him.

You gather all the available files on Charles Hankel, spreading them around the table. There’s not much to read; he’s lived a relatively quiet life. He was a farmer, his wife left him… dead end. Again. You’re at your wit’s end and you grab your keys.

“John, want to work on a federal case?” You ask, shaking your keys. The younger policeman nods eagerly and you point to the door. “Great. Let’s go.”

It’s a small country town in Atlanta. Someone has to know something, especially if Tobias was a drug abuser.

“We’re going to a few Narcotics Anonymous groups,” You explain to John who looks a little too excited to be sitting in a federal car. “Ask questions on Tobias Hankel and Charles Hankel. Someone has to know something.”

“All due respect, um, ma’am,” John stammers, and you raise an eyebrow amusedly. He coughs before continuing, “why aren’t you with the rest of the team?”

You falter, turning your attention back to the road. “They need me to work it from here. It doesn’t matter, anyway.”

Two miserable hours pass by with not much luck. Two hours that could have been used for something more meaningful than asking a bunch of drugged up assholes about the UnSub. Anxiety claws at your chest again as you flick through the answers. It’s nothing you didn’t already know.

“I got something,” John says a little breathlessly, jogging back over to you.

“Yes?” You need something. Anything.

“A few sheep were stolen off of a farmer’s property,” he says, flipping through the notebook and reading off his scrawny handwriting. “Wasn’t Charles a farmer?”

“What does that have to do with–” You feel your mouth go dry and you turn to him. “Which farm?”

“Which– um…” He swallows. “Mcallister? Shawn Mcallister.”

In seconds you’re dialling Garcia again and she picks up with a trembling, “hello?”

“Is Spencer alive?” You ask firmly, slamming the car door.

“Y-Yes. He’s– it’s not good, (Y/N),” she whimpers, clicking on the keyboard. “There was another murder. Spencer had to– he had to– he had to choose who to save. The UnSub fed a video to us, (Y/N), it’s horrible.”

There was another murder? John seizes up beside you and you grimace. You keep forgetting that John is practically a kid, barely twenty-one, and he hasn’t even seen the horrors of the world yet.

“But he came back, right? To Spencer?” You ask, gripping the steering wheel tighter in an effort to keep yourself steady. “Penelope, Tobias posted a video of the latest murder, right? When was it posted?”

“9:23,” she says woefully, typing away.

“Okay, and…” you check the police radio, biting your lip nervously. “Okay, it says that the call for the murder came in at 9:04.”

There’s a little static in the background along with some shuffling before she responds. “Um… okay?”

“John, I need a map. Where’s– goddamn it– where’s the map of the area, John?!”

He fumbles, spreading the paper open. “Here!”

“That road– it’s 60 miles an hour, right? That means he needs to be–” you scribble across the map, frowning. “That’s within seventeen miles of the crime scene. There’s a farm, uh, poaching or something. Mcallister farm?”

“We’ll find something,” Penelope says quietly. “I’ll try find the farm area. He is going to be okay, I promise.”

You let out a heavy breath. “Don’t make promises you can’t keep.”

***

The guilt alone is enough to kill him. Spencer knows that he is not at fault for this; Gideon said so. Regardless, he can’t get their faces out of his head. They were happy. What if they had kids? They were good people; they didn’t deserve to die the way they did. Spencer’s head pounds as he slumps against the chair, his breath quickening when he realises that Tobias is right there.

“Sorry, I had to leave for a while,” Tobias, the real Tobias, says quietly, strapping the belt to Spencer’s arm again.

He’s felt this so many times now. The high, and then the inevitable low. There’s no point fighting it, Spencer tries to justify, it’s biology.

“You can leave again,” he says softly, “and you can take me with you.”

“My father would be angry,” Tobias says, drawing the liquid up the syringe.

“Not if he can’t find us.”

Tobias scoffs. “He always finds me.”

“If you tell me where we are, my friends will come and they’ll save us,” Spencer pleads, trying to look him in the eye.

“We can’t be saved,” he says dismissively, flicking the syringe.

Spencer sniffles, and for a split second he feels the fear course through his veins. “We can. We can, I promise, if you tell me where we are I’ll save us both.”

“Listen to me. It’s not worth fighting.” Tobias pauses, readying the syringe. “Tell me it doesn't make it better.”

The silence that follows is humiliating. He hates the way that he isn’t fighting anymore but he can’t. It’s almost as if his body doesn’t even want to listen to him. Tobias doesn’t waste another moment and the familiar feeling of artificial ecstasy floods Spencer’s mind.

“Tell me something I don’t know about you.”

The phrase was so unfamiliar and Spencer’s brows furrowed as he looked at you. It has been a couple weeks since you were officially indoctrinated into the BAU and he couldn’t be any happier. It felt nice to talk to someone who was his age, especially because he never really knew anyone of his age back in Las Vegas.

“What do you mean?” He asked.

You laughed and his heart fluttered in his chest. He remembered the feeling distinctly; how could he forget? The feeling is still the same now.

“I mean… tell me something not a lot of people know about you. Like… okay, I’ll go first. Um… my favourite flowers are hydrangeas. The purple ones.”

He committed that information to memory. Every year for your birthday he would buy you a new pot of hydrangeas for your apartment or something flower related like an automatic waterer or a replacement sun lamp.

“Hydrangea macrophylla,” Spencer said slowly, his cheeks flushed. “It means… gratitude, grace, and beauty. It’s fitting.”

He relished in the way your eyes lit up and the way you smiled at him. “Okay, your turn. Tell me something I don’t know about you.”

“Um… my middle name is Walter?” He chuckled awkwardly, wetting his bottom lip. “No one really calls me that, though.”

You typed something on your computer, reading out loud, “The name Walter is Germanic in origin and means ‘commander of the army’.”

His cheeks burned in embarrassment and he nodded slowly. “Yeah.”

“I like it.” You grinned at him. “Walter.”

Spencer choked a little, the hairs on his neck standing on end and heat crawling up his cheeks. “You– you don’t have to call me that.”

“I won’t if you don’t like it,” you told him.

“It’s not that I don’t like it,” he said quickly, his eyes widening. “I’m just not used to it.”

He remembers the way you beamed at him and the way he felt knowing that he made you happy.

“Well then,” You began, meeting his gaze, “I guess that means I just have to call you that more often.”

Tobias’s yelling brings him back and all he can do is stare as he watches him slam on the keyboard angrily. A bright red pop up is flashing on his computer, and Tobias turns to Spencer with a murderous scowl.

“They’re trying to silence my message.”

“I can’t control what they do,” Spencer defends tearfully, his voice wavering. “I’m not with them, I’m with you.”

Tobias scoffs again. “Really?”

He types something onto the keyboard and Gideon’s face show’s up on the screen. He’s leaning towards the camera, his words a mantra that Spencer repeats in his mind.

“Reid,” the crackly audio sounds with Gideon’s voice, “if you’re watching, you’re not responsible for this, understand me? He’s perverting God to justify murder. You are stronger than him. He cannot break you.”

Tobias slams the computer off, walking back to him. “You think you can defy me?”

“I don’t know what he’s talking about–”

“You’re a liar!”

Spencer can only grimace in response, the words caught in his throat. Tobias must have been able to see something and the fear creeps into his heart again as the man lunges for his arm. Tobias forces Spencer’s sleeve up and the guilt crashes like waves.

“You’re pitiful,” Tobias sneers, “Just like my son.”

Spencer wracks out a sob, silent pleas of mercy never leaving his lips. Maybe he does deserve this. Maybe, in some sick and twisted way, the universe is out to get him for all his shortcomings. Maybe, he thinks to himself as he watches Tobias turn the camera on, maybe he does deserve to die this way.

“This ends now,” Tobias snarls. “Confess your sins.”

“No,” he whimpers.

Tobias’s fist collides with the side of Spencer’s face with a resounding slap.

“Confess!”

“I haven’t done anything…”

His fist meets Spencer’s cheek again and all he can do is recoil in his chair.

“Tobias, help me,” he manages, but his plea is shut down almost instantly.

“He can’t help you, he’s weak. Confess!” He hits him again and the pain is almost too much to bear. “Confess your sins.”

Spencer sobs. “No…”

In a fit of anger, Tobias throws Spencer to the ground. It hurts. Everything hurts as he feels the back of his head meet the cold musty ground. He can’t breathe. He feels like he’s underwater. Have to breathe, he needs to breathe, why can’t he breathe? He needs to see you again. He can’t die like this. He can’t, he can’t, he needs to breathe. He tries to take a breath of air but it’s like his mouth is full of water. And just when he thinks he reached the surface, he’s pulled under once again.

Warmth. The feeling of his blood pumping to his ears is the first thing Spencer feels and his fingers twitch. He’s alive. There’s only one reason why that must have happened.

“I was given CPR,” he rasps out, Tobias’s words swirling in his head.

“There are no accidents,” Tobias says slowly. “How many members are in your team?”

Spencer can barely whisper the word. “Eight.”

“Seven, not including you. ‘The seven angels who had the seven trumpets prepared themselves to sound. The first sounding followed hail and they were thrown to Earth’.” He hoists Spencer’s chair upright, standing before him. “Tell me who you serve.”

“I serve you.”

“Then choose one to die.”

Spencer blanches, looking up at him. “What?”

“Your team members. Choose one to die.”

He doesn’t need to think when he responds, “kill me.”

Tobias jeers. “You said you weren’t one of them.”

“I lied.”

“Your team has seven other members. Tell me who dies.”

Spencer breathes in as if it were his last. “No.”

Tobias pulls out a revolver from his jacket pocket, spinning the cylinder before aiming it for Spencer’s head. “Choose, and prove you’ll do God’s will.”

“No.”

Tobias clicks the trigger and nothing happens so he repeats, “choose.”

“I won’t do it.”

The trigger clicks again and nothing happens. “Life is a choice.”

“No.”

Spencer’s mind is racing. His first thought goes to you. He knows you would understand any and all references he throws in your direction, but it makes him sick just thinking about putting your life on the line. He needs something. He needs to think.

“Choose.”

“I choose…” his voice stammers and he can barely see straight. “Aaron Hotchner.”

***

“We got him.”

The words echo in your mind as you pace up and down your hotel room, chewing on your destroyed nailbeds. It’s nearing two in the morning and you can’t sleep. The rest of the team are awake. Why should you be given the privilege of rest when none of them were able to? Why should you be given the privilege of rest when Spencer is out there fighting for his life? It’s not fair. Life isn’t fair.

When you hear the sirens outside you run out the door. Blood is pulsing in your ears and you’re still wearing the thin hotel slippers but it doesn’t matter. How could anything else matter? The car door clicks open and Emily helps Spencer out of the car. She whispers something to him and he looks in your direction. Those big hazel eyes stare at you with so much hurt and you can’t contain it anymore.

“Spencer.”

His arms wrap around your waist, his nose pressing against your neck as he holds you, breathing in the smell of your vanilla perfume. He almost doesn’t believe you’re real. He pulls you impossibly closer, sniffling, and he can feel your fingers run through his hair.

“You’re okay,” you whisper, trying to be reassuring, but he can hear the way your voice cracks. “You’re okay.”

“I should have listened to you,” He whimpers, feeling the cold wet rain soak through his shirt. “I should have– I’m so sorry.”

You shake your head. “Don’t be, Walter.”

The moment he hears that name spill from your lips he begins to cry. He’s okay. He’s with you now. You’re right here.

“I thought–”

You shush him for the first and last time, squeezing his arms. “It’s okay. You’ll be okay.”

He wonders how a person could be so warm. Even in the cold Atlanta weather you’re still so warm.

“Hotch wouldn’t let me work the case from the house,” you tell him quietly as you sit beside him on the bed. “Understandable. I screamed at him.”

He chuckles a little, flinching when you gently pull the bandage off the side of his face. He feels a lot better now that he’s clean, the shower more than necessary and he savours the feeling of warm water on his skin. The gash on his head is oozing sticky blood and you dispose of it accordingly, reaching into the first aid kit.

“It’s gonna sting a little,” you tell him, pressing a damp cloth to the wound.

He hisses at the contact, gripping your arm and he tries to change the subject. “Why did you scream at Hotch?”

You hum, continuing to clean the blood off his head. “I was mad at him.”

“It wasn’t his fault.”

“I know.”

You smile at him, applying a new bandage to his head. “It’s okay. I was able to help the case from here, anyway.”

“Stay with me,” he whispers, squeezing your hand. “Please?”

Your gaze softens. “Of course, Walter.”

He curls into your side, an arm wrapped around your middle and he breathes in the scent of your strawberry and honey shampoo. Your fingers curl in his hair, untangling the knots when your eyes flicker to your desk, the letter of resignation tucked inside your bag. He doesn’t need to know that. At least, not yet.

***

You knock at the door of Hotch’s office, chewing on your bottom lip. You remember being in this office for the first time four years ago when you were an intern; the way you shook with nerves and anticipation as you handed in your résumé for the honours program and then again when you were hoping to take the job full time. It’s ironic that you’re back at his office again, but for a very different reason.

“Come in.”

The breath that leaves your lips is shaky and you take a seat in front of his desk. “Hotch.”

“(Y/N).”

You place the pristine white envelope onto the desk,watching the way his face shifts from stoic to surprised.

“You don’t have to do this,” He says, not touching the envelope. “The situation at hand was stressful. No one blames you for reacting the way you did.”

“It’s not just because of that,” you say slowly. “You were right. I was too involved.”

He shakes his head. “That’s not true.”

“It is,” you say quickly, a humourless laugh slipping at your words. “I would have killed him.”

Hotch looks at you, his eyes meeting yours. “You wouldn’t have.”

“I would have,” you say surely. “After what he did to Spencer, if I had found him I would have killed him. And I would have– I would have slept well. I love this team, Hotch, but I can’t separate those feelings when I’m on the field no matter how hard I try.”

He’s quiet for a moment before nodding, rising from his seat. “I’m assuming it’s a two-week’s notice?”

You nod, also getting up from your chair. “Yeah. I– I don’t want to just leave, you know?”

“We’re going to miss you,” he says, walking with you to the door, “but this will be good for you.”

“I know.” You can feel the stares of the rest of the team through the glass and you can’t help but smile. “They’re horrible at being nonchalant.”

“They’re profilers,” Aaron chuckles. “Can you blame them?”

“I guess not,” you muse, pulling the door open. “Thank you, Aaron.”

“You always have a place here, (Y/N),” he says gently as you walk back down to the bullpen.

It doesn’t take long before the overflowing dam of questions burst and in moments Emily is crossing the room and sitting next to you.

“You’re leaving the BAU?”

You look at her with wide eyes before laughing a little. “You… are very good at your job, huh?”

“Oh…” Penelope tackles you in a hug, her arms tight around your frame. “We’re going to miss you.”

JJ sniffles a little, joining the hug. “Don’t forget us.”

“As if I ever could.” A bittersweet smile rests on your lips.

Derek hugs you as well, his chin on the top of your head. “Look after yourself, kid. We’ll make these last two weeks the best you’ve ever had.”

“If you ever need anything…” Emily begins slowly, squeezing your hands. “I’m here, okay?”

Gideon pats your shoulder lightly, a sad smile on his face. “You’re a good person. Never forget that.”

You nod, trying to blink away the tears that fill your eyes. “I know. Thanks, you guys.”

The opening and shutting of the BAU doors brings you out of your thoughts and the familiar head of brown hair stalking away makes your face fall. Gideon meets your gaze, gesturing towards the door. That’s all you need to run out of the bullpen.

“Spencer– Spencer, wait, please.” You tug on his arm desperately. “Please–”

“What do you mean you’re leaving?” He asks, his voice cracking. It has only been a few days since the incident and he looks a little better. The scratches on his face are still visible, but they’re fading slowly. “Why didn’t you tell me?”

“I–” you falter, flinching at the pain and hostility in his voice. “It was never a good time.”

He scoffs quietly, rubbing at his arm. “You should have told me.”

“I couldn’t just randomly tell you,” you say, frowning. “How would that be fair?”

Spencer rubs his eyes, the dark bags beneath them even more prominent. “Why are you leaving?”

“I have to,” you say gently, resting a hand on his shoulder. “I love this job but I can’t do it anymore–”

“Why not?!”

“Because–!” You exhale, trying to calm yourself down. “Because I swore an oath when I took this job that I will put this country above myself. And I can do that. I would die for this country to protect the people in it, I will hunt down the people who make this country so unsafe and I will sacrifice myself willingly, but you? I can’t– I can’t lose you. If I had to choose between catching the UnSub and saving you, I would save you in a heartbeat. Even if that meant letting a bad guy go. Even if that meant more people would get hurt I would still choose you and I can’t let that happen.”

Your words deem him speechless and he shifts his weight on his feet. For a moment, all he can do is stare at you as your reasoning sinks in. It makes sense. He hates that it makes sense.

“So that’s it?” He asks quietly, finally looking you in the eye. “You’re actually leaving?”

“Not for another two weeks,” you tell him truthfully. “Besides, you can still text me. And call me. You know where I live so you can always visit.”

He bites the inside of his cheek anxiously, teetering on his feet before hugging you tightly, burying his nose into your hair. “I’m going to miss you so much.”

“I’m going to miss you too.”

His grip is tight around you and if you paid attention you could feel him tremble. “I can’t do this job without you.”

“Don’t say that,” you whisper. “You can, Walter. You’re stronger than you think you are.”

There are so many things he wishes he could tell you. You’re right here. He doesn’t have to yearn for your touch anymore because you’re right here in his arms. He wants to tell you so many things. Like how he adores the colour of your eyes, or the way you smile, or the way your hair falls. He wants to tell you how much he likes spending time with you and how he feels so good with you but he can’t. The words are at the tip of his tongue so how can he not say anything?

“I–” love you– “I’m really going to miss you.”

“Me too,” you whisper. “Me too.”

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fairyhaos · 9 months

Text

◈ adorable and insufferable // joshua hong

joshua x gn!reader, 1.5k+ words

tags: sick fic, fluff, crack, established relationship, joshua makes small snuffly bunny noises when he's sick

warnings: food mention at the end

notes: for his birthday present, i give him a cold. as you can see, i love him very much.

Your boyfriend is sick.

He is, also, an absolutely terrible liar.

That leads you to the situation right now, where you’ve cornered Joshua in the kitchen, hands on your hips, a bunny spa headband pushing your hair back, and it’s not the most intimidating sight but Joshua gulps all the same, eyes darting around the kitchen nervously.

He’s looking for an escape route. You can see it in his eyes, clear as day, so you step even closer, voice dangerously calm as you speak.

“No, keep your eyes on me,” you say, face set into an angry frown. “Shua.”

Joshua looks at you, and tries not to breathe too weirdly. “Um. Y/N?”

You look him up and down, and then slowly fold your arms. “Shua,” you say again. “Are you sick?”

He blinks rapidly, and then has to stop, because it makes his head feel all woozy. “No?” he tries, and then coughs a little. He’ll claim it was out of nervousness, because you look kind of terrifying right now, but your eyes immediately widen at the sound, and he knows he’s busted.

“You are!” Instantly, you lunge for him as he tries to dive past you and escape this interrogation. “Joshua, come back! You’re sick!”

“I’m not! I’m not, I swear I’m not,” he insists, trying to pull away from the iron grip you’ve clasped around his wrist. Resistance is futile, though. You’re not letting him go, now that him and his wellbeing are involved. “Y/N, baby, please, I’m totally fine.”

“No you’re not,” you say firmly, and then begin dragging your whining boyfriend out the kitchen and towards the stairs.

“I—” He sneezes, then, a loud and wet sneeze that scrapes at his throat and makes his eyes water, and he pauses, shocked. He sniffles, rubbing his nose. “Okay. Maybe I am.”

You shake your head, partly exasperated, partly fond, and continue pulling Joshua up the stairs.

He’s been shuffling around the house looking mildly ill all day, and you’ve been waiting for the right moment to pounce on him and get him up to bed. Because Joshua, when he gets sick, utterly refuses to give in and accept that he’s coming down with something, always waiting until the last moment to finally admit defeat to whatever illness has plagued him this time.

By the time you’re opening the bedroom door and ushering Joshua inside, he’s looking considerably worse than before, face all flushed and eyes watering from the sudden coughing fit he had while coming up the stairs.

“Come on, baby,” you coax, tucking him into bed. You press a hand to his forehead, a little alarmed and a little amused by how quickly he managed to look severely ill during the short walk upstairs. “Sleep.”

“I can still function, you know,” he insists as you pull the covers over him. “I can—I can do things.”

“I’d rather you not,” you say, smoothing down his hair and tucking away a few stray strands. You shake your head in faux disappointment. “I knew you’d get sick from all those days where you went out wearing all those thin layers in winter. What were you thinking?”

Joshua huffs petulantly. “It’s called fashion.”

“It’s called making yourself sick,” you return, and then chuckle at his pout. Leaning down, you press a quick kiss to his forehead, brushing a finger over his cheek fondly. “Now sleep. You’re going to feel way worse tomorrow if you don’t.”

He grumbles, but there’s a small smile on his face as he bids you goodbye and asks you to shut the door properly on the way out.

───────────── 💗

Your boyfriend is very, very self-sufficient. He tries not to bother other people with his struggles and his concerns, but he’s also very terrible at hiding it away when someone asks him directly if everything’s okay.

He’s also really weak in the face of attention.

Which means that while he’s very self-sufficient, the moment you notice he’s unwell and call him out on it, he melts instantly and gets taken over by his sickness so quickly that it surprises you every time.

Slowly, you creak open the bedroom door, peering inside to see Joshua staring blankly up at the ceiling. His head snaps towards you as you walk across the room, but his eyes are all glassy.

“Y/N?” he murmurs, and all he’s said is your name but it’s like he’s speaking through a ball of cotton.

“Yes, it’s me,” you say, smiling a little, because his eyes positively shine when you confirm it. Sitting down on the edge of the bed, you place a damp towel over his forehead, feeling his cheek with the back of your hand, and wince a little at how warm he is. “Goodness me, Shua, you’re burning up.”

“No, I’m not,” he murmurs. “You’re burning up.”

You smile a little, pinching his cheek lightly. “If you were this sick, then why didn’t you say anything, hm? You should’ve told me earlier.”

“I’m not that sick. I can still do stuff,” he says, eyes falling shut just slightly as you begin stroking his hair, a relaxing movement. “Hey, hey, Y/N, watch this.”

“Hm?” You stop stroking his hair, sitting back and waiting patiently.

There’s a long silence, and then Joshua cracks an eye open to look at you. He looks expectant—well, as expectant as a person with an extremely high fever can look—but when you don’t say anything, a small frown creases his brow.

“Didn’t you see it?”

“See what, baby?”

“The cartwheels. I did cartwheels.”

The statement is so absurd that you think he’s joking, but his face is set into such a serious pout that you can’t help but laugh a little, because there's something about fever-drowsed Joshua that is so adorable.

“You didn’t do any cartwheels, baby,” you say gently, and go back to stroking his hair. “You didn’t even get up.”

Joshua frowns, the pout deepening. “Oh.” His eyes close, and then open again. “I did them in my head, though. I’m sure I did.”

Cute, you think helplessly, unable to stop the smile spreading across the face. “Okay.” You kiss his nose. “I believe you. But I’m gonna go get you something to drink and eat, and then you’re gonna take some meds, okay?”

He makes a small noise of discontent when you get up, and then coughs, giving a pathetic sniffle like a sad little bunny, and you almost want to just stay next to him and never leave his side.

“You’re gonna need to take the meds to get better faster,” you say at the door. “I’ll be back soon, promise. Wait here.”

Joshua makes that sad noise again, but he watches you go. “Okay,” he says, all mumbly. “I promise not to cartwheel away.”

You laugh a little, because good lord, he’s so adorable. “Okay. I’m trusting you, alright?”

“Mhm.”

You close the door and walk down the stairs, shaking your head fondly.

───────────── 💗

It’s only several days later that his fever finally lets up, and he’s well enough to walk around the house once more. You wake up to Joshua in the kitchen, a blanket around his frame, making pancakes.

“Baby?” you ask, rubbing your eyes and yawning. “What are you doing?”

Joshua turns to you, and then grins, eyes crinkling fondly. “Hey, sweetheart,” he says, and deposits the last pancake onto a plate. “I’m making you breakfast, of course. Here. Eat up. Want some french toast too?”

“Wh—huh?” you say, incredibly intelligently, slowly sliding into the seat that, like the gentleman he is, Joshua had pulled out for you. “Why?”

“It’s a thank-you present, obviously,” Joshua says, as he busies himself making french toast. As if the pancakes and spread of fresh fruit and waffles (he cooked waffles too?) aren’t enough. “I’ve been insufferable over the past few days.”

You chuckle a little, thinking of Joshua insisting he can do cartwheels while you try to spoon feed him soup. “Yeah, you have. But I didn’t mind. You’re my boyfriend. Of course I’m gonna put up with you.”

Joshua laughs. “Thank you, Y/N. What would I do without you?”

“You’d be dead without me,” you say, incredibly seriously, and it makes Joshua laugh again. His eyes are still a little puffed up, but he beams at you, all full of life, and it makes you grin too.

“You’re totally right,” he says, and leans over to peck you on the cheek. “I love you.”

You smile, taking hold of his chin and bringing him down to press a longer kiss to his lips. “I love you more.”

Joshua quirks a grin at that, kissing your forehead for good measure before going back to the bread. “Let’s not start that argument again. Eat your pancakes, sweetheart, before they get cold.”

You look over at him as he busies himself making yet more food, and it makes you a little dizzy, really, just how much Joshua loves you. And how much you love him in return. Even when he’s doing cartwheels in his head and insisting he’s doing them in real life.

“Hey, now you’re all better, you can do those cartwheels you kept wanting to do.”

“Really? Should I?”

“Yeah! I bet I can do them better though.”

“Oh, you’re on.”

fics tags: @jeonginssa @weird-bookworm @minhui896 @bunnyiix @slytherinshua @haowrld @belladaises @moonlitskiiies @mirxzii @zozojella @kawennote09 @thedensworld @a-wandering-stay @abibliolife @doublasting @wonranghaeee @icyminghao @sweet-like-caramel @your-yxnnie @evasaysstuff @odxrilove @kyeomyun @crackedpumpkin @jeonride @kellesvt @sakufilms @eightlightstar @onlyyjeonghan @aaniag @amxlia-stars @raevyng @isabellah29

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neo-nomatrix · 2 years

Text

Give you the world

Joel Miller x reader

summary: You love Joel more than you can explain, you just can’t figure out if he feels the same

warnings: age gap, angst ig

my last joel fic

a/n: could be read as a part two of my last Joel fic but it can be read as a stand alone

You haven’t seen Joel truly happy in a while, the closest it’s come to is now. You’re standing with Ellie when Joel runs up to his brother, Tommy, who you’ve heard little about. You swear you hear him sniffling as he walks back to you.

The gates of Jackson are unbelievable. It’s somehow so incredibly warm despite the thick layer of snow below your feet. Everyone is beyond inviting and kind, it reminds you of before the outbreak.

“It’s amazing here,” you tell Tommy and Maria as you, Joel, and Ellie eat the plates of food in front of you.

“I’m glad you all like it,” Maria responds, smiling,

“It’s safe here,” Joel mumbles while leaning over his plate.

You can tell he’s thinking about something, whether it’s a good thing or not, you don’t know.

Maria leads you and Ellie to your home for the next day? week? month? You’re still not sure how long you’ll spend here. You secretly hope it’s a long time but you can tell it won’t last.

Since you’ve arrived you haven’t seen Joel in at least three hours.

“Hey, El, do you know where Joel is?” you ask the girl, slightly concerned.

“No, are you going out looking for him?” she asks.

“Probably, don’t know where I should start though,” You respond.

Something drew you to the carpenter's shed when you were searching for Joel. You peer into the window and as you suspected you saw him sitting there. Toying with new boots you assumed Tommy had given him. As you open the door Joel didn’t look up like you had expected.

“Joel,” You say quietly.

“Joel,” you say again, this time tapping his shoulder and using a firmer voice.

He slightly jolted back like he was shocked.

“Oh, hey,” he said reluctantly.

“Is something the matter? You seem upset,” You ask worried.

“How’d you like it if you stayed here for a while?”

“This sounds like a trick,” you tell him.

“I’ve asked Tommy to take Ellie the rest of the way. I’m gonna leave too, and you’re gonna stay here,” He said, his eyes not meeting yours.

“What?” you say, as if you didn’t hear him the first time.

He still wasn’t looking at you.

“And what makes you think you can just decide that for us?”

“It’s the best option for you and Ellie,” he said.

He still wasn’t looking at you.

“Like hell it is! Joel, you are the only person I trust right now, and as far as I'm concerned you are the only person who can take care of me. You promised me you’d protect me, you fucking promised!” You’re both standing now, in a fit of rage you start lightly hitting his chest with your fists.

“Hey, hey I know what I said. You can call me a liar all you want. Just please, stay here. Where you’re safe. This is how i’m protecting you,” He says, you don’t miss the way his voice breaks.

“Joel, don't do this! I’ll never fucking forgive you. I’m gonna hate you if you do this,” You sob into his chest as he holds your clenched hands.

“I’m sorry, I'm so sorry. I just- I just can’t take care of you. I’m worthless to you now,” At this point his eyes are threatening tears too.

“You can’t! You can’t leave me too. No, no, no, I won't let you.”

“Doll, you have to trust me. I’d give up everything for you if I could. But you’re young, you have so much more life to live. If I take you with me I'm endangering that. And I'd rather die than see you hurt,” he admits as he picks up his boots and leaves you to settle with your own pain.

Ellie had told you about her own fight with Joel only a few hours after your own. Part of you still can’t believe he would just let go of the two of you so easily.

You’re walking beside Ellie and Tommy to the stables. You’re still processing the fact that this is “the end.”

“So what? This is it? Everything we did all for just this,” Ellie asks you.

“Maybe not,” you nod towards Joel who’s standing by one of the horses.

“Are you here to say goodbye?” You ask Joel, walking up to him.

“Look, I still think you’d be safer here and Ellie would be better off with Tommy. But you both deserve a choice. You can-” Joel gets cut off by Ellie throwing her bag at him.

“Let’s just go already,” she tells the both of you.

“You have every right to hate me, doll. I don’t blame you if you want to stay here now. But I need you to know how much you mean to me, okay?” Joel says, his hands cup your face.

You sure as hell don’t miss the way his eyes finally meet yours.

#joel miller x you #joel miller angst #pedro pascal #joel the last of us x reader #joel the last of us #pedro pascal x reader #pedro pascal x you #pedro pascal x y/n #joel miller x reader #joel miller x y/n #TLOU #tlou x reader

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jobean12-blog · 1 year

Text

Nook of Love

Pairing: Pre!Outbreak Joel Miller x reader

Word Count: 1,806

Summary: Joel builds you something extra special and it's everything you've always wanted and more.

Author's Note: After writing about mob!Bucky buying you a bookstore I thought I do a version for my other fave guy- except his style haha. Thank you all so much for reading! Much love always! ❤️❤️❤️Divider by the lovely @firefly-graphics thank you sweet Daisy!

Warnings: it's so fluffy and soft and lots of kisses :)

Joel Miller Masterlist

“How are you gonna keep her outta the house for the next week?”

Joel narrows his eyes as he grinds his teeth together.

“I haven’t though that far ahead…” he mumbles.

“Of course not,” Tommy teases.

With a grunt of annoyance Joel reaches for more wood and lifts it into his pickup.

“Are you just gonna stand there and bitch or help me?”

Tommy ambles over with a raised brow. “You better figure out how you’re gonna see her because I’m not dealin’ with your extra grumpy ass for a week!”

Joel’s hands land on his hips and he shrugs. “I’ll just go to her place.”

Tommy scoffs. “Yeah ‘cause she won’t find that weird as fuck since you never go there. You know she likes it here better.”

“You know what, shut it Tommy. No one asked you,” Joel grits out.

Tommy smirks. “Well just don’t ask me to get involved in your bullshit when she starts askin’ questions!”

“Are you sure you want to come here again?”

You hear his sigh on the other end of the phone before he answers. “Of course darlin’…just need to see you.”

“I’m happy to come by you. I like your place better anyway,” you argue, hoping he hears the smile in your voice.

“I know but, I need a change of scenery. I’ll be there soon.”

When you hear the doorknob start to turn you fly off the couch, jumping into his open arms the moment he fills the doorway.

“Hey there darlin’,” he murmurs against your lips as his arms close tightly around you.

You kiss him softly then take his hand and start to pull him toward the couch.

“So how was your day? How’s Sarah? How’s the progression on that new building?”

You fire off your questions, only stopping when you feel him give you a tug. You look over your shoulder and he’s wearing a lopsided smile.

“Come ‘ere,” he murmurs before dragging you back into his chest and spinning you around.

He walks you slowly toward the wall, only stopping when your back gently bumps it.

“Aren’t you going to tell me about your day?” you ask coyly.

“Nuh uh,” he whispers, placing both his hands on the side of your head along the wall.

He pins you in place, pressing his hips closer. “I’d rather hear about your day.”

His lips trail along your jaw, stopping just under your ear where he places a soft kiss. He continues pressing kisses to your skin until he finds your mouth.

“That’s such bullshit and you know it,” you breathe against his lips.

You can feel his smile along your skin.

“Go on darlin’,” he whispers and runs his nose along your throat. “Tell me.”

“This is the third time it’s ringing Joel. You have to answer or she’s likely to show up here!”

Tommy holds out the phone and Joel takes it with a grumbled curse.

“Hey darlin’,” he answers then pauses to listen.

“I was in the bathroom,” he answers, waiting as you talk again.

“Actually, no. Must have eaten somethin’ bad for lunch.”

“How ‘bout I call you later and we can figure out our plans?”

He stares down Tommy as he listens to your concerned voice, wincing every now and then when he can tell you’re pouting and upset.

“It’s ok. I’ll be fine…NO!”

He immediately scowls after shouting out “no” and softens his voice. “I just don’t want you to be sitting around here while I’m in the bathroom the whole time.”

His head hangs and he pinches the bridge of his nose. “I promise. Ok, don’t worry. Love you too baby.”

“Shit that was painful to watch,” Tommy says when Joel hangs up and drops his phone. “You’re a terrible liar.”

“That’s because I would never lie to her!” Joel yells then his hands land on his hips and he sighs dramatically. “I should have had a plan in place for this.”

“AH HA!” Tommy yells triumphantly. “TOLD YA SO BROTHER!”

“Ah fuck off and quit standing around and help me. I need to get this done by tomorrow. No way I can keep this up another day!” Joel huffs.

Tommy snickers but marches over to help sand the wood, delighting in Joel’s continued grumbly mutterings.

When he opens the door you push past him and whirl around, hands crossed over your chest and glaring.

“Joel Miller if you don’t explain why you’ve been acting so weird the past few days…”

You step closer and poke him in his hard chest.

He grabs your finger and drags you into his arms.

“Everything will make sense in a few minutes,” he says quietly, his eyes searching your face.

You study him and your own eyes go wide.

“Are you nervous?” you ask as your lips lift into a small smile.

He looks taken aback. “ME?!?!”

His tone is incredulous. “No way darlin’. I’m fine. You just missed me yesterday is all.”

“Oh is that it?” you ask before blowing a raspberry. “I don’t see you for one day and now I’m imagining things...like the fact that you had food poisoning but feel perfectly fine now?”

Instead of continuing to argue he takes your face between his large hands and presses his lips to yours. After a few moments of kissing you senseless he gently releases you and rests his forehead against yours.

“Are you ready for your surprise?”

“THERE’S A SURPRISE!!” you squeal. “Why didn’t you say so!?”

Your excitement sets his nerves aflutter again and he wipes his palms on his jeans. “Ok…just promise…just promise me you’ll tell me what you really think…and you won’t pretend to like it just because…”

You reach for his hand and grip it tightly in reassurance. “I promise Joel…NOW HURRY UP! I can’t wait.”

You’re bouncing on your feet the whole time you follow him through the house and when you pass the living room he stops you and says, “close your eyes.”

You immediately shut them and squeeze them tight.

“Don’t peek.”

“I won’t!” you say excitedly.

He gives your hand a tug and carefully leads you into the next room, stopping after a few more steps.

“Ok…” he says on an exhale. “Open ‘em.”

Nestled into the back of the small room is something out of your dreams. A large window is framed by floor to ceiling dark wood shelves and just under it is a long and cushioned seat. There’s even a shelf above that goes horizontally and smaller shelves on the inside of the nook on either side of the seat.

“Now I know there aren’t many books yet and the details are missing but I figure you would want to pick out the curtains and pillows and Knick knacks and all that. I was going to do that myself but I didn’t think I should in case you wanted a theme or somethin’. Sarah said she would help but I told her you could take her when you shop and…”

You turn to face him, softly pressing your finger to his lips so he stops his nervous rambling.

“You built me a reading nook,” you state, your words breathy and light as air. “My very own reading nook.”

He nods and swallows audibly.

“Do you like it?” he asks quietly.

“Joel,” you start, pressing yourself against him. “This is the most beautiful gift ever. It’s literally a dream come true!”

His lips spread into a smile under your finger and you finally drop it, snaking your arms around his neck.

“I can change somethin’ if you want darlin’. If you don’t like the color of the wood we can stain it again or I can redo the shelving.”

You look back at the nook and step from his embrace to run your hands reverently over the polished wood, noting every curve and nuance.

“You made his with your own hands,” you murmur. “What could be more perfect?”

He comes up behind you, wrapping his arms around your middle and rests his head on your shoulder.

“I’m happy you like it.”

“I love it. LOVE. IT.”

“So that’s what I was up to this week. Tommy helped but only a little so…”

You laugh in his arms, pressing your hands over his to trace his knuckles. You slip your fingers through his and brush your thumbs over the calloused pads of his fingertips.

“Oh wait!” he says as he takes a few steps toward the nearby wall, still holding you tightly.

He flicks a switch and a long set of fairy lights brighten, adding the perfect soft glow to the books.

“Oh Joel,” you gasp. “You remembered.”

“Of course darlin’,” he answers.

You think back to the first night you spent together, lying skin to skin and completely wrapped up in him, talking for hours about your dreams for the future, including your love for fairy lights.

With watery eyes you move away and sit down on the cushioned seat, smoothing your hands lovingly over the plush fabric and leaning back until you can see the insides of the shelves. You lift shaky fingers and press your other hand to your mouth.

Hidden on one of the walls of the inside shelf is a carved-out heart with two initials inside of it. Your fingertips trace the deep lines before they close around the single book on the shelf.

“Our initials…Joel.”

He smiles softly at you.

“And how did you get my copy of my favorite book?” you ask him without looking up.

“I uh…” he begins sheepishly, “may have borrowed it the other night when I stayed at your place.”

“My place,” you repeat. “But this perfect nook is at your place and I won’t…”

Your thought trails off as you open the book and out slides a key tied to a ribbon.

“Is this what I think it is?” you ask with a shaky breath.

“It’ll be our place.”

You stare at the key in your hand and the back up at Joel.

“If that’s what you want darlin’.”

Without warning you launch yourself off the seat and into his arms.

“Thank you,” you whisper over and over again as you nuzzle his neck. “And don’t worry I won’t tell anyone you’re such a romantic.”

You can feel his body shake with laughter. “Only for you.”

“I know,” you say softly before peppering his cheeks with kisses.

He closes his eyes contentedly.

“Where’s Sarah today?” you ask in between all the kisses.

“Stayin’ at her friends for the night.”

You grin and start to pull him toward the cushioned seat.

“That’s good,” you murmur.

“I thought so,” he answers with a mischievous glint in his eyes. “Figured we could break in all the surfaces in your new place.”

“Mm hmm,” you hum. “Starting with my favorite spot.”

@pedritosdarling @hiddles-rose @blackwidownat2814 @littleseasiren @kmc1989 @justkinsey @beccablogsthings @laineyreads @lorilane33

#joel miller x reader #joel miller #pre!outbreak joel miller x reader #joel miller x you #pre!outbreak joel miller #joel miller x y/n #joel miller x female reader #joel miller fanfiction #joel miller imagine #pedro pascal #pedro pascal x reader

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wayfayrr · 3 months

Text

Love like you ✧*.⚝⋆

Here's the 400 follower raffle grand prize for @wailing-whaler!! Got Sky and reader collecting rocks <3 This went a little off of the initial base, but they do definitely collect rocks together (what a geologist not going utterly obsessed with rocks? it's a miracle) But this was very fun to write!! just soft soft fluff with the soft sleepy boy himself.

[masterlist]

“I’m still sorry for dragging you into this by the way.”

“You aren’t, and you don’t need to keep apologising for something you would happily do again in a heartbeat.”

“I am - I really am, I didn’t mean to drag you here.”

“You are an awful liar.”

He drooped like a puppet cut from its strings at that, offended I bet for calling him out. Despite it being the truth, he knows as well as I do that he was bouncing from the walls when I was brought into the game, happier than I’ve ever seen anyone before in my life. And emotions are new for him, kinda.

“No- I’m not.”

“Yes, you are.”

“Hmph.”

“Come on, I’ve already said that I really don’t mind it, why are you still so pouty?”

“Cause I wanted to get out rather than trapping you here with me.”

Oh, that admission is new. He’s dodged the reason why he brought me here since it happened, so that makes sense more than anything… The way that he’s leaning on me is also new though, and nice despite his grumbles, which come to a halt as he snakes his arms around me and buries his head into my neck from behind with a soft sigh.

“Look it doesn’t really matter right now, you’ve got to save zelda right? So we should really get going, gaepora asked me to help you and I really don’t want to make a bad impression.”

That got me a squeeze and a little whine, does - does he not want to save her?

“But no matter how fast I am impa is going to tell me I’m late anyway, so why does it matter… I just wanna spend time with you.”

…

How does he know that..?How does he know what will happen??? He - this is his first time going through this journey… right? But it isn’t is it, even though he’s been trying to act like it is it’s not. I’ve played through this game once already, and he can remember that. The acceptance of it is like a cold chill down my spine, Link already knows me and has been pretending that he doesn’t, half-heartedly but still pretending. Or has he? Just because he hasn’t said it outright doesn’t mean that he’s trying to hide it, maybe he just assumed I knew already. Either way, would I be bothered by him hiding it? It’s not insidious or anything, he’s just like a lovesick puppy.

“...Love? You - are you alright? I didn’t say something wrong did I?”

“I was just thinking… link did you know about before?”

“Before? You mean your other playthrough right?”

Well that settles that, he wasn’t trying to hide it. It was just never mentioned, no reason for it to be honest. No one on skyloft needs to know their entire life is a game which could be very easily overheard on the tiny island and sky thought that I knew he knew so why reiterate the obvious already.

“Sure I didn’t remember completely right away but going through Faron with you here- here brought everything crashing back so quickly.”

His grip on my waist tightened for a split second before loosening, like he’s not sure if I’ll want to be held close now that he’s sharing this. It’s only made clearer by the sigh he lets out as he takes a step away from me.

“I mean I remember remembering you when I tried to get out now, it was like… like when you fell here, on skyloft that is, everything got locked away but since we met the elder kikwi, everything has come back including how felt about it all and how I fell in l-!”

“How you ‘fell in l-’, why’d you cut yourself off there link, I’d love to know what you were going to say.”

Almost by instinct, my head turns to follow him as he’s fumbling about in his own flustered embarrassment, having said just a tiny bit more than he’d probably meant. Stopping himself mid-word so sharply you’d think he’d bit his tongue to force himself to stop, but not soon enough that I didn’t know what he meant anyway.

I won’t lie to myself. It’s something strange to know, and honestly all of this is making way more questions than it answers. Questions that it will be pretty hard to get answers too really, for one he and I both know this is a game and yet I’m here - he’s practically a person and… and he’s said it himself. He fell in love with me. But, I don’t dislike that. I really don’t dislike that.

“I - I fell in love with you, and how you act and all the little things you do and how you make even the smallest things seem exciting, and it’s why I wanted out so badly so that I could hold you close and tell you how much I love every part of you, from the way your hair falls, to the way you smile, how you collect things that others wouldn’t see worth in but you give them so much worth. I can’t even tell you just how much I’ve wanted to get out even if just for a second to hand you a crystal or even a cute pebble I think would bring a smile to your face - even if it meant I’d go back to being trapped in this hell afterwards.”

My face feels like it’s about to set alight, and not from being on an active volcano. He’s still rambling about what made him fall for me, and it’s only getting more and more natural, he’s getting more and more human over time. More real. As with all good things though, it has to come to an end with him looking up only to realise that he’s been going on for a good few minutes now. Ceasing up like a deer in headlights as he struggles to move his mouth again, almost reflexively licking his lips before glancing down confusedly. Better to break through the awkwardness now so that it won’t get any worse.

“You know, I wouldn’t be against having a relationship with you…”

“- You wouldn’t - I thought that you… you’d… you’d-”

“But.”

“...b-but?”

“I think I’d like to get to know you first link.”

“Wh - What..?”

“Well, right now I haven’t spent much time with ‘you’ you, and I don’t think it’s fair for you if I’m dating you expecting to you to be exactly like the character the game had you as.”

It’s easy to tell he’s thinking about it, with the hurt but pensive look on his face from being denied something he so clearly wanted a yes to.

“But, I think I’ve been starting to fall for you too, for who you are link. I’d like to spend some more time with you before we have anything romantic.”

He perked up at that, a lot. Which I don’t blame him for.

“There’s plenty of time for that then, we aren’t in any rush are we?”

“But zelda-?”

“Even if we were to teleport to the end of the dungeon we’d still be too late. Why not take it slow?”

Despite his leather gauntlets his hands are still nice to hold with how he’s intertwined ours, sneaking his fingers so that they snake between mine. Pulling my hand up to rest up on his cheek, leaning into it with a gentle sigh.

“You’ve talked about wanting rocks from Eldin to study before, how it looked like a different volcano to anything you’ve ever seen. What if we just I don't know, went off and got you as many as you could ever want of them?”

His eyes look almost pleading, begging for me just to say yes, to give him this precious time so that he can win me over to being with him romantically. And really, how could I dream of saying no? Since ending up in skyloft those few weeks ago he’s been nothing but kind, patient and caring towards me and plus even though I said I wouldn’t compare him to the character he’s come to life around, he’s still link. Still the kind-hearted hero that I fell in love with when playing the game for the very first time, who i grew to wish was real when reading comics about his journey, why shouldn’t I be a little selfish when he cares for me as much as I do for him?

“I-”

Biting down hard on his lip now, the pleading look in his eyes switching to something more akin to outright begging. Just for me to say yes. As if there were any other options available to me.

“I think I’d love to do that with you sky, as long as you’re certain we have the time.”

No words needed to be said after that, his face lighting up like the sky at a new years celebration. I swear if you looked closely you’d be able to see the very fireworks he was initiating in his own eyes. All the while his face was graced with the softest grin I could have hoped to see. It was definitely the right thing to say.

“So, do you have anywhere that you think would be good places to collect some?”

“You really think after all this I wouldn’t have somewhere nearby in mind?”

“It doesn’t hurt to ask though, does it?”

“Well my pride might have gotten a little bruised, but that’ll heal in time.”

“...Do you reckon a kiss could help speed up that healing?”

“...”

“Link? Are you alright?”

“Are- would you do that for me?”

“If it’ll help fix your pride then, of course… wouldn’t want an injured hero would we?”

That shut him up well and truly, not even his usual confused soft stutters could be hurt as it seemed his code bluescreened at that idea. A full reboot happening in the time it took his face to go through a multitude of different emotions, settling on a gentle, yet mildly confused, look of contentment. Kinda spelling out his answer for me, but still, I’ll wait for clear consent before doing anything more forward than a suggestion.

“...”

“Take your time, there’s no rush on an answer.”

A nod. Clearly he doesn’t feel comfortable speaking right now, but that's more than fine. It’s not exactly like I’m not used to him being mute again, if anything it’s not an awkward silence as he leads me over to the spot he was thinking of. A small patch to the south of Eldin, littered with just so many different stones. A dream spot for any collector, so close to an active volcano to get fresh samples well as fresh as you can get without quenching the lava.

Will they even be able to come back out with me? Link seems to think he would have been able to come out of the game, but that only dragged me in here instead. Can I even get - don't ruin this moment with that line of thinking. We can figure that out later.

“Hey [name], mind coming over here for a moment?”

“Hmm? Sure, it isn't an issue.”

Speaking again now is a good sign, clearly his brain - does he have one? - has finished dealing with the bombshell I dropped on it earlier. Moving over to him isn’t a bad thing to do though, with whatever he’s holding seemingly a pleasant surprise. As soon as I’m back in front of him, he takes my chin in his hand delicately tilting it upright as he stares into my eyes. Biting down on his lips as he thinks of what to say, lifting up his other hand to my eye level, like he’s comparing whatever he’s holding to them.

“...It really is the same colour.”

“Oh, why didn’t you tell me we were doing that, I would have been looking as well.”

“No, no collect whatever you’d like for your own collection, I just… wanted to do something where I could still just um… admire your beauty really. If you don’t want this one then, I- I can just keep it instead.”

“I’ll keep it. Thank you link, but really now we've got to get you one too.”

#kinda off the prompt #but insanely fun to write #incredibly soft sky #like super super soft and fluffy #ugh #got cavities writing it #moss✦writes #link x reader #linked universe #linked universe x reader #lu sky #lu sky x reader #linked universe sky #self aware au #self aware loz #fluff #x reader fluff

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olderthannetfic · 4 months

Note

Obvious Disclaimer that this is not about any specific anon in particular, not about OTNF themself, but that my following rant might *slightly* punch down on people who ARE, well, older than net fics are.

But my honest opinion is that I really don’t like it when us old heads tend to sorta…talk down to? “Adultsplain”, if that’s even a thing? To The Gen Zs, by being like “damn kids! back in my day we never used our real name or posted selfies or posted about our personal life at all!” Don’t get me wrong, I’m one of those people who never posted the real me — but not because I was anonymous and cared about online safety, because I was a liar 😂 That being said, there ARE older people who definitely over-shared or “doxxed” themselves and still do, and there’s younger people who don’t!

I also feel like being “ha, these stupid KIDS who post about their FANDOM LIFE on TIK TOCK under their REAL NAME AND FACE where IRLS CAN SEE THEM, how STUPID” is not doing anyone any favors. Is that, technically, a smart thing for kids to do? No. Has it become normalized? Yes. And does that suck for people who might be bullied or outed or whatever cuz they genuinely are dumb and don’t know better and then someone they don’t like sees their stuff? Yes.

We all talk about how there’s no more kids spaces on the internet and how that’s a shame, but then five seconds later we’ll reblog that one “At any time I’m at risk of seeing a 14 year olds opinion and that’s why I hate it here” post. There’s really so few kid spaces on the net now, that’s true. We should extend empathy and let the teens be obnoxious and pretentious in peace, rather than making it a point to “ratio” or “roast them.” Idk personally I’d be completely unbothered if some 14 year old insulted my fic or my ship or whatever. I’d just block and move on, no need to try to argue with them.

And also, not all kids are even pretentious or obnoxious! I’m not saying we all need to take the kids under our wings, but we should be careful about not hating them just for being in their teens years, you know?

Also… telling a teenager to not post PII or not get into discourse or not have social media or whatever will NOT work the way you want it to 😭 kids are by default a little bit oppositionally defiant so telling some rando teen to Get Off Your Lawn (blog) rather than just blocking them, will encourage said teen to Stay On Your Lawn.

I just hate how it’s become normal for adults to talk down to teens online. I was harassed by adults online as a kid, then years and years and years later i went through my own “Older Than You™️”phase where I myself was a shit to teenagers, and I truly regret that so much. To this day I still need to make an effort to be careful. I saw on Twitter where an adult posted a DM from a 13 year old, mocking them. The DM said “I’m 14 next year, can I follow you? Please don’t groom me.” And the adult OP was laughing at how stupid the dm was. A few years ago, I would’ve been one of the people retweeting that and rolling my eyes at the child. Now im disgusted by the people who WERE laughing at them.

And again I’m obviously not saying we should be “nice” to the teenagers who mock us for our ships or who virtue signal too hard. But we also don’t need to make fun of their CARRDS or call them Puri-teens or rag on them just for being 17 or younger, yk?

Teens aren't 'puriteens' just for being young, dude. They have to also be puritanical bullies.

I find the stuff about real names hilarious because, actually, if you're really Internet Old™, then you probably did use your real name... it was right there in your university e-mail address! Or your random early ISP address if your stepdad got it for you and thought the university format was the default. Thanks, stepdad.

I've done every single dumb thing from going to meet my internet pen pal at an Alice Cooper concert to flying to Ireland from Japan to stay with a fandom friend I'd never met without telling anyone where I was going and without a credit card or enough cash to flee if I had to. I remember sitting on the plane thinking "Man, this is such a CSI episode topic".

The really funny part was that despite what she'd said before I visited, we ran into each of her parents at different times and ended up going to a play courtesy of her uncle, and all of them were like "So how do you know each other?" and "But you'd met before, right? RIGHT?!"

The level of panopticon is horrifying now. Teens have my sympathy. That part really is worse, and I think it's driving an entire generation nuts and we're going to see even more shit about people wanting to run away and live in a cabin in the woods with no internet. But in general, I don't think we're so different.

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bahrtofane · 7 months

Text

jude but you’re also a player for madrid , on vacation somewhere where it’s nice and sunny , pretty beaches, and enough giggles between the both of you to make a laugh track

you stumble on a a group of people playing on beach, nostalgic black and white ball bouncing between them so you join in, giddy to show off at least a little bit

jude’s off somewhere getting some food, so you set your things down and get in the circle. passing the ball excitedly. you’ve been itching to play these past few days

what you think will be a fun time ends up with some of the men attacking your form, nit picking your dribbling, and giving you pointers you don’t even think your youth coach would’ve accepted

you only smile, “thanks but this is how i play most comfortably,” doing a few kick ups before sending the ball to the man next to you

a young girl looks at you wide eyed, trying to copy your form while she giggles to what you assume to me her mom

you copy it slower for her, and she manages to pull it off rather well when the ball comes her way. you smile

a man only sighs, “sweet heart i’ve been playing for 10 years i know what good and bad form looks like. “

you scoff, “call me sweetheart again and the ball is going to your face. I’ve been playing longer than that. and professionally. dont try it. “ your posture stiffens and you move away from the group. gaining a few snickers and grumbles

the man, who suffers a rather aggressive sun burn in the tackles floral shorts you’ve seen, only shouts at you to come back. calling you a liar and a hand full of obscene names

you wave him off, sitting back down on your towel, but he manages to lumber your way, all the while a couple of people are trying to hold him back. grabbing into his arm

“you don’t play. you’ve never even seen a proper pitch.” he points a finger at you

his buddy groans, “let it go man”

you put your sunglasses over your eyes, shrugging, “google me. “

it only makes him kick the sand while his voice rises, and you honestly could not care any less, crossing your legs and getting your book out. his friends are growing even more agitated by his rather unruly display

when he tries to get in your face does a familiar figure stand between you. you smile.

“got a problem here mate ?”

the man doesn’t hide the shock on his face, not the gasp that tumbles out form his lips. his friends all mirror similar expressions

“you’re..”

“a very unhappy boyfriend watching you pester my girlfriend. don’t get in her face again. wont end well for you. “ he deadpans.

the man only squints, taking one last look at you before joining the group again.

“we’re so sorry.” one of the men say.

“he’s not usual like that,” the one tries.

jude only smiles at them, waving them off. he sighs, handing you ice cream as he sits down. gentling patting your thigh.

“what was that about?”

you shrug, “some guy with an ego and nothing to show for it,” plopping a hearty scoop into your mouth. your favorite flavor. you wiggle happily.

he nods, spoon in his mouth, “we’ll play in a few. just us. “

you hum, leaning against his warm sun kissed skin.”i’d like that. “

#jude bellingham fanfic #jude bellingham one shot #jude x you #jude x reader #jude x y/n #jude bellingham imagine #jude bellingham blurb #jude fluff #jude bellingham x reader #jude bellingham #jude bellingham x you #jude bellingham headcanons #jude bellingham x y/n #jude bellingham fic #jb5 blurb

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ehlnofay · 1 month

Text

Summerfest Day 2 - SECRET

All the air in the room shivers and gusts like an expulsion of breath; the sluggish, oil-slick water below resumes its flowing; Arabella, liquid metal curled lacelike over her skin, starts laughing.

It’s dark, in this dank cavern. Karliah left the lamp she carried outside and did not suggest lighting another. Perhaps it would be sacrilege. For several minutes, all had been shadow; but now if Arabella squints, she can vaguely make out the motion of the water, the distant shine of filigreed armour, the bird-mark on the floor. She can make out Karliah on the middle plinth and Brynjolf on the distant one; she can make out the cracked stone below her; she sinks down, low, into a crouch, hood pulled down over her forehead, and cackles. It echoes in her mouth, against the fabric-smoothness of her mask.

“Well,” says Brynjolf’s voice, blankly, from across the room, and again, “well.”

“The first meeting can be… overwhelming,” Karliah says, tactful. Like Arabella’s cracked under the pressure of watching someone talk to a big not-light in a hole so soggy-stale it feels as familiar as the cistern. She is still laughing – she can’t help it (it’s either funny or it’s very serious, and she’d rather not take it seriously) – as she rolls her shoulders back the way she practiced in the armoury, lets the metallic carapace unravel itself, shrinking and sinking again into her skin, to the cold metal mark she pressed like tattoo ink into the back of her neck. (She’s been branded – she’s been gulled – perhaps she should be taking it seriously, but it’s so ridiculous that she doesn’t want to.) The armour goes away. She can, just about, see her skin again.

She is still laughing, birdlike high and delighted.

Brynjolf shakes his head – she catches it only because of the way his eyes glint in the mask – and says, “Didn’t wake up this morning thinking I’d be meeting a Daedric Prince.” He sounds very deliberately careless; taking everything, very intentionally, in stride. “Suppose I’m honoured.”

“Oh, yes,” Arabella crows, “most honoured bargaining chip –” and she goes off in peals of laughter again. Her language is bleeding into Bos, a little – she’s getting her grammar mixed up in her head, blending her words in ways that should give them layers but instead just turns them to gibberish. Most-honoured, ill-weighted, played like lamb-tendon lute-strings, all an unintelligible mess of sounds. It’s all so patently ridiculous.

Brynjolf pauses, asks, “Does this happen, often?” with a nigh-audible furrow of the brow.

“Arabella,” Karliah says. “Arabella. What, the hysterics? No, or, I’ve never – Arabella, pull it together.”

“Lest your Lady think –” and the rest of it is lost to scrambled syntax, but then Arabella wipes her mouth – probably smudging her paint, she realises after the fact, damn it – and stands up straight and says, gleeful, “You liar. Well done.”

“Are you listening, now?” Karliah asks; when she moves, she gleams, ever-faint.

Arabella echoes, “Will you tell us, now? You’ve been so dreadfully surreptitious.”

Karliah gleams again. “I’ve been sworn to secrecy. I’m sorry I’ve had to mete out information so slowly. But now that you’ve transacted the oath –”

“Such a vague oath,” Arabella remarks, shark-toothed.

“I would like to hear more about the oath,” Brynjolf puts in, “and whatever else, but do we have to have this out in the dark?”

“I would like to hear about how it’s supposed to make us more powerful,” Arabella says, “and why I can’t feel any bloody difference.”

Karliah moves – coils her fingers, maybe, so her armour can slink off to puddle in her hand, pulled night-dark in toward the mark at her wrists – and Arabella can see her a little better, then, a ghostlike shape standing ill-defined on the platform. “That,” she says, soft-voiced, “relates to what I was going to say; Mercer’s –”

“Do you feel a difference, Brynjolf?” Arabella calls.

Sharply, Karliah says, “Stop interrupting.”

The water burbles quiet below them. Arabella’s smile is pinned so broadly to her face that her cheeks sting.

“We’re going back into the hall,” Brynjolf decides. His armour sloughs off as he starts picking his way back down the shadow-cracked stone. Halfway down, he looks over, his face a smudge in the dark. “No. But it’s new.”

“New indeed,” Arabella agrees, the soles of her shoes ringing against the marks in the stone; she holds her arms steady for balance as she steps onto the spit of rock. “Whatever power we expect, Karliah – it won’t come up until we’ve made amends with your goddess, will it?”

She is so very spectral, in the dark. Blue-grey, distant-pale. “Nocturnal’s favour alone is a powerful thing,” she says, clipped. “It will give us an edge.”

“Will it,” Arabella says. It is not a question. She is putting considerable effort into not giggling again.

Even in the dark, even without the masks, she can just about catch the shine of Karliah’s eyes as she looks at her. There is a lengthy pause. “It might.”

Brynjolf, a shadow almost at the end of his stone-spit tightrope, pauses. “Ah,” he says, and then, faintly disgruntled, “Really?”

“She played us well,” Arabella tells him with airy unconcern; her teeth scratch against the meat of her lip. “Very cleverly. I bought it just about enough.”

“It might help,” Karliah insists, dogged; “I – I hope it will. And I couldn’t tell you the whole truth if you remained outsiders – we would have been ineffective, barely a chance –”

Arabella slides the last half-metre of damp stone on the flat soles of her shoes, skirt flaring, hair in her mouth. She says into the dank cavern, “You sold us to curry favour.”

“Yes,” Karliah snaps; she strides down back to the ground, quick and practiced, a blur against the stone. “Yes, all right – we need her favour if we’re going to be able to return what Mercer stole, which you still won’t let me tell you about, we need – it’s been a decade.” (Arabella remembers the thick patterns of dust in these strange halls.) “It’s been a decade, Arabella, this is my life, and if bringing it back isn’t – maybe it won’t help! But I told you, it’s business.” She tosses her head; she’s still hooded, and it’s still dark, so this conveys very little. “Yes. I negotiated acquittal. And if you want to be angry about it, that’s fine, but do it less obtrusively so we can actually start –”

“I’m not angry,” Arabella says, and she licks her teeth. Karliah looks at her; in the dark, her eyes don’t flash. Her face is an ink-smudge. Arabella grins. “I just wanted you to admit it. That’s truly astoundingly selfish.”

“In fairness,” Brynjolf says, before Karliah has a chance to rail at that, and he gestures, quick and loose and just fast enough for her eyes to register it, to the lax little circle they stand in, like the points of a lopsided triangle. “Would you expect anything less?”

It’s still so dark – so little light comes in even through the entryway – but the water sounds cold and quick as it runs, and Arabella is good at taking up all manner of sensory space. “Touché,” she says through beaming teeth; shrugs, exaggerated, the motion rippling the metalline mark pressed into the back of her neck. “Really, Karliah, I don’t mind. Nocturnal can have my soul. What worth is it to me?”

#normal reaction to selling your soul #she doesn't even care at this point man she's just along for the ride #genuinely this is my take on how it happens in the game - karliah is Really Insistent that you need to pledge yourself to nocturnal right n #it will help you so much and if you don't do it we've got no chance #and then after she's like oh it didn't do anything. yeah that's cool I expected that #<- girl sold you to a daedric prince to curry favour!#fair enough honestly we support women's wrongs etc #tesfest24 #the elder scrolls #tes #oc tag #tesblr #skyrim #arabella #fay writes #my writing #microfic

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narrans · 4 months

Text

My Borrowed Son | 23 | Terse Table Talk

Chapter Twenty-Three | Terse Table Talk

Kers heard the voices extinguish like a snuffed candle as soon as the call of, “hello?” left his lips. There was a slight shuffle of light souled shoes. A few hushed whispers Kers couldn’t make out but guessed it had something to do with protection and curiosity.

He decided to call out again.

This was one thing he hated about meeting new Borrowers – the apprehension and fear of whether they were kind or evil. Too many times his encounters ended up with the later rather than the former.

Images flashed in front of Kers’ eyes of memories long passed. It was quick, but just enough to set Kers on edge as he spoke up again.

“Hello? Listen, I don’t mean to intrude. My name is Kers. I just moved here with the human. If you don’t want me around, I’ll go somewhere else. You won’t even know I’m here. I just wanted to explore the walls and set up a good place to stay. From one Borrower to another, any help is appreciated.”

The words he spoke were words Kers heard his brothers say countless times when they moved around as kids. Just saying it made his throat constrict, but he would muddle through that later.

The silence that followed was deafening and thick with unease. It put the Borrower on edge to the point he reached for the pin on his side. The only hesitation came when a masculine voice, smooth and aged, answered.

“You alone?”

Kers breathed a relative sigh of relief, but he was far from being in the clear yet. It was a start though.

“Yes, I am,” he replied as he thought of Parker, a topic he decided was not good to bring up right at this moment.

Another pause.

Then, emerging from the corner, was who Kers assumed was the father. He had thick facial hair but a thinning hair line, both speckled with blond and silver hair. The Borrower had fierce eyes that absorbed the light coming from the light that was on the end of his walking stick. He had his staff light held out defensively and quickly evaluated Kers. Whatever this Borrower had seen in his life, he obviously was a quick reader when it came to character.

It took a few moments before he retracted his staff.

“New arrival, you say?” he asked gruffly. Kers nodded.

“Yeah. Haven’t even been here twenty minutes,” replied Kers.

“From where?”

“Electrical outlet in the living room. Don’t worry. I put it back.”

“And the human? Does she know about you?”

Kers had to think about the Borrower’s question for a moment. The truthful answer was yes and no, seeing that Amanda knew about Parker; but, that wasn’t the question.

“No, she doesn’t know about me. I’ve been around her for four years. I can share what I know. Patterns. Organization. Schedule,” offered Kers.

The Borrower’s eyes narrowed as he evaluated Kers’ offer. He actually reached up and stroked at his silver streaked beard as he considered the possibilities in front of him.

“In exchange for?” he asked after several more tense seconds.

“Nothing. Just one Borrower being friendly to another,” stated Kers. “Though if you have an idea of where would be good for me to set up camp to not be in your way or space, I’d appreciate it.”

The offer of nothing obviously raised the Borrower’s suspicions, but followed up with a suggestion of where to live seemed to, at the very least, amuse him. He nodded and, after a moment, extended his hand for Kers to shake, which he did gladly.

“Well, I think we can agree to those terms. I can tell a liar when I hear one, and that’s not you, but don’t try anything. Got it?”

“Yeah, absolutely,” agreed Kers. With a stiff nod, the Borrower stepped to the side and gave a little gesture for Kers to follow along. It took everything in him for Kers to keep from resting his hand on his stay pin sword and his thumbtack dagger as he followed the other Borrower. He also didn’t dare ask anything too personal. This guy seemed like the type to provide essential information when the time was right.

They rounded the corner and Kers instantly spotted three other Borrowers in varying ages. The oldest was obviously late teens and shared many features with his father including those light absorbing eyes and blonde hair. The middle child was a girl who looked, to Kers, to be just a little younger or about the same age as Parker. She had dark brown hair and the same coal black eyes as her older brother. Then there was the youngest boy among them, a dark haired blue-eyed boy who was maybe eight or nine years old.

“Kids, this is Kers. My oldest, Finnick, my daughter, Sprokit, and my youngest son, Reed,” introduced the Borrower. “I’m Toulouse.”

“Nice to meet all of you,” Kers said. His insides churned nervously as he glanced at the piercing eyes of Toulouse’s children. All of them seemed to have the same ability their father had in seeing straight through someone. Perhaps it was just the color of the two eldest children’s eyes, but Kers felt like the secret of Parker would not remain so for long.

“Well, our plan was to go out and show Reed the ropes of running outside the walls, but gathering intel on this new human might be better,” pointed out Finnick, whose hand was also resting on what looked like a razor blade dagger at his hip.

“My thoughts exactly,” replied Toulouse. Reed was obviously crushed. His shoulders slumped and his features fell, but he didn’t say anything in objection. Kers didn’t know if it was because Reed wanted to behave himself and be rewarded with time outside of the walls or if he was a bit shy around strangers.

Whatever the case, Finnick gestured for Kers to follow, and so he did.

The five of them trekked through the walls, Reed stomping up the stairs from time to time to demonstrate his frustration in getting his wall trip cut short, while Toulouse followed behind. Kers almost felt like he was surrounded and being escorted to some kind of holding facility like how they did in the movies.

Kers had that privilege of watching a few movies from front to finish without Amanda and Parker noticing, and this felt like one of those movie scenes.

Up the walls. Across beams. Down some wires and then back up again.

Eventually, they made it to a section of wall that was very clearly part of the attic crawl space. It was a spot that was either segmented off from the main house or in a space that could never be reached by the residents of the house. Whatever the case, the house was made of sturdy cardboard and wood.

The windows were aglow with warm light, most likely from more fairy lights, and there was a smell of something in the air coming from the kitchen. Inside, Kers could hear someone singing softly along with coos and young giggles.

“Don’t forget to take off your shoes when you go in. Mom hates dirt in the house,” said the girl.

“Oh, right. Thanks. Sprokit, was it?” asked Kers. The girl huffed slightly as she pried off her borrowing boots and began unstrapping her gear.

“I go by Kit, actually. Dad just prefers full names for introductions,” replied Kit.

“Oh. Right. Sorry. I’ll remember that,” apologized Kers.

“Don’t be rude, sis,” mumbled Reed.

“You mind your business,” Kit shot back.

One look from their father silenced their bickering as they retreated into the house. Kers noticed that none of them removed their various blades and pins as they went into the house.

Smart. They don’t trust me and are staying safe. Guess I’ll do the same.

Kers removed his shoes and walked further into the house as he heard who he presumed was the mother and wife to Toulouse address the kids. Her voice was as sweet as her singing.

“Hey there. Back so soon? Did something happen? Or did you all find what you were looking for that quick?” she asked.

“We have a guest,” Kers heard Kit say. There was a distinct inhalation before the conversation continued.

“Ah. I see. Well… I guess I need to set another bowl on the table,” she replied.

Kers glanced around the living area and caught a glimpse of the kitchen.

The place was pristine. The crochet blankets were neatly piled in the corner of the room. There was a table made of what looked like glued together playing cards and shelves made of popsicle sticks. It made where Kers used to live look like a hovel.

Still, they probably never had to move in their lives. Or, at least, they haven’t had the need to move in a while.

Lucky.

“Hi!” Kers snapped too when he felt a tug at his hip from another little Borrower child. She had blonde hair and blue eyes and a smile that stretched as wide as a jumbo rubber band. “Hi!” She must’ve been four or five years old by Kers’ estimates.

Stunned, Kers could barely manage his own, “Hello,” before spotting the baby girl’s mother. She had dark brown hair and blue eyes that were pale like glacier ice. She was wearing a skirt that fell just below her knees and an apron of sorts with various tools and threads spilling off of it.

What really caught Kers’ eyes, however, was what he noticed when she walked over to snag the Borrower child. She walked with a severe limp and the leg that poked out from under the skirt wasn’t real. It was fake.

A prosthetic – and it looked well made.

“Dove! So sorry about that,” she smiled. Kers shook his head and smiled as he looked into the woman’s features. There was so much life in her eyes, like she couldn’t be deterred from anything she set her mind to.

“No. Don’t worry about it. No harm or anything,” said Kers. “I’m Kers. Just moved in when I met the rest of your family.”

“Barely arrived,” said Toulouse as he entered the kitchen and leaned over to kiss his wife and take the baby, Dove, from her arms. “His pack is by the door.”

“Wow! So, you must’ve arrived with the new human. Yeah? The other family was here yesterday moving things around and then they were gone. Now we have a new human.

“I didn’t think humans could move so quickly. Then again, they have all of those tools and everything. Good for us. There won’t be any gap in borrowing,” she smiled. A thought must’ve dawned on her because she immediately wiped her hands on her apron and held out her hand for Kers. “Sorry. I’m Mira.”

“Nice to meet you.” The two of them shook hands before her husband cleared his throat.

“What do you need to finish lunch?” asked Toulouse. Mira gestured to the table and the stove, which looked like part of a heating element that was hooked up to electricity.

“Just your bums in the chairs and the pot on the table. I hope you don’t mind potato soup. I thought we were going to have to start rationing, so I went ahead and made a big batch to start storing,” Mira replied. “Here. I’ll get-”

“I’ve got it, mom,” said Finnick as he hoisted the pot off of the stove and set it onto the table, making sure to put it on the cloth fragment to keep from burning the table. Mira smiled and nodded as she maneuvered the youngest from one hip to the next with the smallest wince before carrying her over to the table, the rhythm of her walk showing she had experience walking with a child on her hip.

Before he knew it, Kers was sitting down at the table across from the oldest boy and beside the youngest with Toulouse immediately to his left. There was a warm bowl of soup in front of him and conversation all around.

Never before had he experienced anything like this.

A lump formed somewhere in his throat. More images flashed in front of his mind of days gone by.

Had he really been alone for so long?

“So, Kers,” said Mira as she wiped up her daughter’s face once again. “Tell us a bit about your travels. Have you always lived around this new human downstairs? Or was this a recent development?”

Just as if someone had snapped their fingers, Kers was out of his trance and in the moment once again.

“Um… I… well… I mostly moved around except for the past four years, which is when I started living in Amanda’s building. That’s the name of the human woman downstairs,” said Kers. “As for my travels… well… there’s nothing really to tell. Lived as an Outie for most of it, but lived as an Innie when I could.”

“An Outie? You mean you lived outside in the elements with the wild animals and everything?” asked the youngest, Reed. His eyes were bright with curiosity and also filled with the innocence of never being truly afraid in his life. Kers didn’t want to scare the kid but nodded simply to be polite.

Already, this was more words than he would say in a year, and he was feeling burned out from conversation. Still, he endured the further onslaught as all of the children as well as their parents asked question after question.

How long had he lived on his own?

What were his skills?

Would he be interested in helping ward off some animals trying to get into the baseboards?

Where was he thinking about setting up?

What kind of things did he need to get started?

What really started to make Kers nervous was when they began to ask about the human and her habits.

He told them everything. He told them she worked from home a lot but slept soundly through the night and generally kept to herself when she was home. The Borrower went into all of the details he could when it came to how she liked to put things into drawers and the things she would notice going missing.

“This is really good, dad,” Finnick said as he helped clear away the dishes. “We’ll be able to get everything timed to the second. It’s even better because she doesn’t have any kids.”

Kers felt his insides twist, making acid build in the back of his throat. It was like walking on pins and needles. Kers knew he needed to discuss this as soon as possible, but it didn’t stop the impending dread. Before things went any further, Kers decided to speak up.

With no real plan of attack, he took a breath and dared to begin the impossible conversation.

“Actually… she does have a kid.”

The family glanced around at him curiously before continuing their dinner clean-up.

“Well, that’s unfortunate,” muttered Toulouse. “Thought we’d get a break after the last family left. No matter. We’ll be no worse for wear. We’ll just…”

“Actually,” interrupted Kers. “There’s… something about the kid that… is going to be a bit hard for you to hear.”

The room quieted as all eyes fell on Kers. It made him feel like bugs were crawling all over his skin. He hated attention, even as a child, and this was his ultimate nightmare. Swallowing the lump in his throat, he continued.

“The kid’s name is Parker. He’s a really sweet kid, but he’s a little different; especially from Amanda.” This was it. The moment of truth. “Because he’s a Borrower.”

It felt like someone set electricity into the air, charging it and making everyone’s hair stand on end. Everyone’s eyes widened to the size of human dinner plates. Expressions varied from confusion to disturbed horror and anger. It was a scene of complete and utter mortification, and Kers knew the bombardment from earlier would be nothing compared to what was in store for him.

Toulouse was on his feet in the blink of an eye as the kids retreated several steps away from the table.

“What do you mean? She… captured him?” asked Mira. Kers shook his head and took a visible breath in hopes it would deescalate the situation.

“No, I don’t think so. I honestly think that she found him and has been taking care of him for all of his life,” replied Kers. “I want to tell y-”

“You mean to tell me a human has been keeping a Borrower hostage and you’ve just watched for four years?” growled Toulouse.

“Dad… do you think he’s her pet too?” hissed Finnick as his hand now rested obviously on his hip dagger, ready to draw in an instant. The afternoon had turned from a pleasant one to one of utter chaos in a matter of seconds.

This was bad.

Kers knew he had to rise to his own defense and provide some kind of explanation. He cursed himself for not being as eloquent as his eldest brother. He continued to sit and shook his head as he said, “I’m no pet, boy. You would do well to remember that. And I can tell you I’ve wrestled with this from the first day I found them together. I’ll tell you if you’re willing to hear me out.”

The family exchanged wary glances, so Kers continued in a rapid word vomit that put teenage gossipers to shame.

“I was moving in the middle of winter from the home I was previously in. I thought I might’ve been seen and kept to the Borrower code of staying on the move. I saw them playing in the snow outside and began planning a rescue mission immediately.

“When I made it to their home, I saw them sitting together watching a movie just like any other parent and child I had seen in previous homes. She made sure he had food and they even read together that night. I had no supplies and no way to take care of him, and Parker didn’t seem like he was in any danger.

“I decided to get enough supplies to survive and then I would rescue him, but the more I watched the more I realized this kid had no idea that he was a Borrower and was happy living with his adopted mother. I’ve been watching ever since to make sure he was alright, keeping to the shadows and being ready if anything should happen.”

Kers realized how difficult it must be to hear and understand everything he was saying. He wasn’t even sure half of his words made sense. It wasn’t until he paused to take a breath that his brain registered the changing expressions on everyone’s faces.

“So… you don’t think… he knows he’s a Borrower?” asked Mira. “You don’t think that this human took him from his parents, do you?”

“No, I… I don’t think so. I hope not. She doesn’t seem like the type to…”

“To what?” interjected Finnick. “Abduct Borrower children? Keep them like pets? Pampering and feeding and taking them out for walks?”

“How do we know you’re telling the truth?” Kit spat as she boldly pulled her blade from her side. Both parents shot their daughter a warning glance before turning back to Kers.

“Well?”

“I didn’t have to tell you any of this, but I did,” concluded Kers. “I’m telling you because I have a plan in place to talk to the kid and to Amanda.”

“You plan on telling the human about us!” roared Finnick, also drawing his blade. Kers’ heart was in his throat. He knew this wasn’t going to go well no matter what he did, and now he had disturbed this family’s peace. Guilt ridden, Kers shook his head and let his shoulders slump.

“No, I’m not; and Amanda already knows, she just doesn’t know much. All she understands is that there was a small boy no bigger than his fingers that needed her help and she gave it. She doesn’t know about Borrowers; and, if she did, Parker might’ve gone venturing into the walls to find more Borrowers – to find me. He would be asking questions,” insisted Kers.

“So, you do plan on talking to the human?” asked Mira. Kers bit his lip and nodded mechanically.

“Trust me. I’m not looking forward to it, but it needs to be done. The only one she’s going to know about is me, and it’s only for Parker’s benefit,” insisted Kers. “I swear I will not tell Amanda about any of you or your family. The only one at risk here is me.”

No one in the family looked reassured.

“What if we don’t believe you?” asked Toulouse. Kers sighed and shook his head.

“I’m not asking you to. What I am asking for is time. I plan on talking to Amanda once they’ve moved in,” said Kers. “I swear I will keep your family safe. If I had known there were going to be others living here, I would’ve talked to them long ago. That was my mistake.”

Toulouse looked to Kers and then to the rest of his family. With a wary eye and a threatening stare, Toulouse gestured to the door. It made Kers’ heart sink into his shoes.

“I think you’d better leave; and I swear if you put my family in danger, you will live to regret it.” The oath of a father’s protection was a strong one, and Kers knew it.

“I won’t put any of you in danger, you have my word. I’ll keep to the floorboards beneath the kitchen if that’s alright,” said Kers.

“It is fine,” said Toulouse.

Kers knew the time for words was gone. He stood and carefully walked back toward the door, snagging his belongings on his way out.

It was far from how he wanted his first introduction to go, but it was necessary he talk to them about this right off the bat. Kers couldn’t imagine what their reaction would have been if they found Parker all on their own.

Defeat was only one of many words expressing Kers’ emotions as he hoisted his bag onto his shoulders once more and headed out of the front door. If there was more evidence needed for him to have an honest conversation with Amanda, now would be the time. Heart heavy, he headed for the space beneath the kitchen to set down his things and, hopefully, find the words he needed to use to talk to Amanda.

~~~^*^*^~~~

Meanwhile, in the home, the Borrower family was a flurry of emotions. None of them knew whether Kers was being truthful or if they were in danger. Immediately, their father ordered them to prepare a few go bags with essentials.

While they knew running here and now would be the best option for them, they also were reluctant to leave their home so readily when Kers could have been telling the truth.

They would be ready.

They were prepared.

Nothing was going to happen; at least they hoped.

Kit, however, was very vocal about her thoughts on the matter.

“Dad, we can’t just leave him! He’s one of us! He’s a Borrower, and he’s been taken. We need to rescue him!” insisted the teen.

“Kit, we can’t risk going down there now. If Kers has a trap planned with the human and it involves that boy, we need to stay as far away from both of them as possible.” Toulouse sighed and leaned heavily against the char at the kitchen table. “I was such a fool to invite in a stranger so quickly.”

Mira stepped up beside her husband and rubbed his back with sympathetic affection.

“You didn’t know, love,” she said.

“Mom! We can’t just leave him,” argued Kit.

“We have to wait and see what’s going to happen. I know it’s hard, but we can’t go down there without a plan,” Mira said. Frustrated, Kit stormed off to her room. Finnick and Reed, who were nearby, looked at their parents anxiously.

“So, we’re just going to leave him? If we need to run?” asked Finnick. Both parent shook their head.

“No, we won’t leave him if it can be helped. We just need time to figure this thing out first. We can’t act rashly. We need to find out if Kers is telling the truth and whether this boy is in danger or not,” replied Toulouse.

Silently, he hoped his certainty came of as confidence despite how he actually felt. Both Borrower parents couldn’t imagine having any of their children taken by a human. They also couldn’t imagine what it was like for Parker growing up with a human, if that was what really had happened.

In all reality, they were unsure of whether they could help the Borrower boy Kers spoke of and doubted they would be able to stay in their home in the days to come.

Still, they held out hope.

And little did they know that their plans weren’t the only ones in affect.

~~~~~^*^*^*^*^~~~~~

Continue

Beginning

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hannahssimblr · 7 months

Text

I get suspended, but it’s not that bad.

The last time, when I set the toilet paper dispenser on fire, it was a lot more of a traumatising experience than this. Everyone was so concerned about me becoming an arsonist that I needed to spend several hours speaking to a child psychologist about my motivations, which I explained was boredom and a fascination with watching little pieces of one ply toilet paper burn. It was likely the most worrying thing possible that I could have said. Still, through long, tedious conversation and a thousand boring questions and hypothetical scenarios we determined by the end of the week that I am merely troublesome rather than a deliberate menace and threat to the safety of teachers and students.

This is the same personality trait that got me kicked out of the boy scouts at ten. I am a disruptive influence, and the therapist simply recommended more supervision, which I did not receive from my casually neglectful parents. At least I never set a toilet stall on fire again.

This week is more about watching TV and playing my PlayStation. I do not have to go to a psychologist to go to, just the hospital to get a trio of stitches in my head and checked for a concussion, which I don't have, and then I am back, melding to the couch, playing Grand Theft Auto IV until I am jittery and my eyes are so manic I feel like I have to manually blink them.

My mother is extremely kind to me, which is interesting. She panicked after I arrived at Trisha Bailey’s house to collect Ivy earlier than expected last Tuesday with blood pouring from a wound in my head and promptly fainted on the parquet floor in front of two eight year old girls. She had to leave work early to come and get me, and she barely even complained about it. She’s been treating me like I’m made of glass ever since, while I, in tandem, have been making an effort to play up my injuries and fake headaches as much as possible so that she is forced to make snacks for me when she’s home from work. This is a pretty good reason to develop something like Munchausen’s Syndrome, I think. I’m actually being mothered, though it's most likely that she's worried that my dying or having brain damage would mean she'll have to hire a full time nanny or bring in another au pair from France who'll lift individual diamonds from her tennis bracelet over a period of months like the last one did.

She even brushes my hair back and kisses my forehead at one point, which feels like it is crossing a line, and is so weird that I feel urged to make a joke about it. It pisses her off and she doesn’t come near me again for the rest of the day, but that’s fine. I wanted to be alone with the TV anyway.

One evening I go to Jen and Michelle’s, who both coo over me until I part my hair to show them my stitches, which they act disgusted by, but still, they make me snacks and coffee and tell me I am brave for standing up to Fitzy. I don’t deny it even if it’s not what I truly believe.

Evan joins us later and acts less disgusted by the gash in my head. He wants to know about Fitzy, who he thinks is a massive dickhead, and how badly I hurt him back. I exaggerate, but figure it’s okay because he is suspended too. It’s not like anybody will see him and call me a liar. I’ll tell them that the thumbnail scratch on his cheek was intentional and they will all believe me.

He and I go out onto the seafront and smoke together, far away from Jen, who is supposed to be off them but will beg for one if she smells them, and Michelle, the daughter of a medical doctor who shuns them and judges anyone who doesn’t.

“I kind of wish I’d seen the fight,” Evan is saying as we stroll along in the drizzle, and the end of his cigarette crackles and glows in the haze of the night, “Just to see Willy’s stupid face when you smacked it.”

“Yeah, I mean… he looked pissed off I guess. I don’t really remember, I was all adrenaline.”

“I’ve never been in a fight.”

“You don’t want to be. It’s horrible. I only did it because-” I break off and shrug, “Well, you know why, I suppose.”

I see him peering at me from the corner of my eye as I look over the bay, “Is she worth it?”

I sigh, “Yeah, sure. I don’t know. I think it’s complicated. I don’t regret it but I don’t know if she’d appreciate it either, like she might say that defending her like that is too intense.”

“Is that because you’re not properly together?”

“Yeah.”

“Hm. She should be grateful,” Evan says around a mouthful of smoke, and I don't respond.

“What’s she like?”

I don’t really know how to answer, “Um, she’s nice, she’s, like, sweet under this cool-girl exterior, and really smart.”

Evan laughs, “No, that’s not what I mean. I’m just asking, you know, since she’s supposedly pretty experienced and all that…I just was curious…”

“Oh,” I scratch my head, careful to avoid my stitches which itch almost constantly, “Are you, like, asking me what sex is like? I dunno, man, stick your finger in your mouth. It’s like that times a million.”

“Oh, c’mon, I’ve done it. Christ sake. I was just wondering if it ever gets better.”

I pause as I try to determine whether he’s really trying to have a heart to heart with me or if I'm just picking him up wrong. Either way it's a bit awkward, and I don’t know what to say other than, “Yeah, man, I mean, I don’t know what your situation is or anything but it gets a lot better,” I flick my cigarette onto the path and immediately start pulling another out of the packet. Not that I usually smoke more than one at a time, it’s just I am hoping my fumbling around will interrupt this conversation.

It doesn’t.

“Michelle is pretty shy, you know, during,” He admits, and my face burns. I really do not want to think about them that way.

“Most girls are shy. We’re still pretty young.”

“Yeah but, I dunno, it bothers me a bit, and then I see guys like you and girls like Alison and I think that you must have it all figured out. Do you know what I mean?”

“We don’t really, we’re all just kind of muddling our way through.”

“Yeah, but you must have- I mean, you always have a girlfriend.”

I’m surprised he even paid that much attention to me, “Yeah, most of the girls I’ve gone out with never wanted to do anything more than kiss.”

His eyebrows vanish under his fringe, “Really?”

“Yeah, they’re mostly not ready for anything else. It’s fine, I’m okay with it because it’s just part of how it goes. I just focus on how lucky I feel when someone does want to… let me.”

“Like Alison.”

“Yeah.”

“I think everything kind of makes sense now,” he smirks, eyes flicking to my head wound, and I’m certain that whatever he is thinking about me now, my motives and my reasoning for fighting my friend in the changing rooms, he is most likely wrong.

“Look,” I stop walking and wave my cigarette around vaguely, “you guys will figure it out, huh? I don’t know what to tell you about it. She really seems to like you, so,”

“Yeah,” he says glumly, “I like her too, it’s just that I wish some things were better. Like, she’s barely allowed to come out at night and hang out.”

“Yeah, I suppose that's because her parents are strict.”

“Right! Her mam always gets so annoyed about her being out too late, and then it’s a big drama, and Shell wants to talk about how annoyed she is, and I’m like, why does your mam even care about what you do? You know what I’m saying?”

“Yeah, I get it. It’d be nice if it were different, but,” I shrug, “You know it’s not for nothing, right? Like, I hate to be the guy that defends someone’s strict parents or whatever, but if they’re not strict on Michelle then they can’t be strict on Jen, and if they’re not strict on Jen, well,” I exhale a lungful of smoke, “You know how it is.”

“It’s annoying though.”

“You’ll have to learn to enjoy Michelle in the light of day, and if you stay together until college then you can do whatever you like.”

“College?” He echoes, pulling a face as though the suggestion of waiting that long is ludicrous and unfathomable, but college doesn’t seem so far away for me. I’m counting down. Fifteen months until we are finished school, I will have one last long, empty summer and then I will leave, I’ll vanish into thin air leaving behind nothing but the shadow of a boy, an imprint on a couch cushion, an unmade bed and a cereal bowl in the sink.

I already have September 2010 circled in bold red marker on a calendar with arrows and asterixis all around it because that's it, freedom. That’s when I will get on a plane and go somewhere far from here and never speak to anybody from this town again. Jen and Ivy and a select few others are the only ones who will know my whereabouts. College, to me, has been aspirational before I was even a teenager.

Evan hasn’t even thought that far ahead.

“You can probably stick it out until then,” I say flatly, “If you’re in love or whatever.”

“Uh, yeah totally, I think we are. I think we’re good together, so I can probably just learn to deal with it.”

“It's worth it,” I don’t know why it would be hard anyway. Evan is so lucky. If I was in his position and had a girl who loved me like Michelle apparently loves him I don’t think any sacrifice would be too much. I'd be on top of the world. I only get to see her during the day? Wow, how lucky I’d feel just to be able to do just that. Eighteen months until we have the freedom to do whatever we like with our time together? What’s eighteen months? If it was real love with someone then I’d happily wait years. Maybe Evan is just a bit stupid or something.

I drop a hand onto his shoulder, forgetting that sudden movements shock him, and he leaps about a meter in the air. I clear my throat as he gathers himself again. “You’ll figure it out.” I say.

He wants to go back to Michelle’s house where it’s warm and dry, but I’d rather take a walk by the sea for a while. Several days of being cooped up inside have made me feel all soft and cosy, which Doherty would probably say isn’t a good way to feel. He’d want me to take a bracing dip in the sea or run fifteen kilometres in the driving rain just to feel life pumping through my veins on a day like this. Thinking of his big bald head and angry face prompts me to flick my half smoked cigarette away and leave it smouldering in the cycle path.

I should stop doing unhealthy things.

I take out my phone and text Alison.

Are you around?

I’m at home

Want company?

ok come over

Beginning // Prev // Next

#lucky boy 2009 #tell me who put their finger in their mouth during this chapter lmaoooo #tw: smoking #tw: sex mention #tw: injury

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justinspoliticalcorner · 3 months

Text

Michelangelo Signorile at The Signorile Report:

As I began to write this a few hours after the first debate between President Biden and Donald Trump, my social media feeds and text messages were blowing up with a bit of panic, as were Democrats and progressives on TV.

We’re hearing about calls to replace Biden on the ticket, coming from Democratic strategists, and about fear among donors and Democratic politicians. It’s safe to say most of us had a feeling of dread when Biden came on stage and was shaky and halting. His voice was hoarse (he reportedly had a cold). He was unfocused and confused. He allowed Trump to lie and lie and lie again, to even own the issues of abortion and January 6th—Biden’s issues!—and spin them around. The CNN moderators were terrible, doing no fact-checking and allowing Trump to refuse to answer most questions and continue attacking Biden. But that is baked in. We—and Biden—knew this kind of thing about the media going into it, and Biden is the one who wanted this debate. Biden rattled off numbers but sometimes got them wrong and tripped up on his words, stumbling into saying, “We beat Medicare.” He was not emotive but rather stiff and cold, offering a blank stare that seemed to show he was horrified and not comfortable. When he wasn’t doing that he was often looking down and not into the camera. It wasn’t the Biden who enjoyed—with a big smile—slamming down Marjorie Taylor Greene and Republicans at two consecutive State of the Union addresses. Later on, Biden came alive a bit more, and was more focused, particularly as Trump became a bit more meandering, pushing his lies. Biden flashed a rare smile or two, and he gave some cogent push back. But it was probably after a lot of people tuned out. Phones blew up, and by the end of the debate, many of us were asking, “What are we going to do?

Two hours later, I’d taken a few deep breaths. First off, Trump was a brazen liar as usual, and one hilarious, memorable moment will be his stating, “I didn’t have sex with a porn star.” Much worse than that, however, were the insulting lies that all Americans know are dangerous falsehoods. Trump claimed the narrative around Charlottesville—that he said there were “fine people on both sides,” which we all watched him do—was “a story that has been totally wiped out.” He claimed Nancy Pelosi’s own daughter vindicated him for the attack on the Capitol on January 6th and implicated her own mother was responsible. A complete and total fabrication.

It went on and on. We won’t know for a while what the outcome of this debate is for the electorate, but Trump, who began in a very cool and collected place (for him) became increasingly agitated and spewed lies. It didn’t seem to me to do anything to bring in swing voters or assuage those Nikki Haley voters. At the same time, Biden didn’t check him on the lies, and some of these were so easy—particularly on January 6th and abortion, which Trump claimed he’d done great things on by getting Roe overturned. So, yes, it was not great. Later, however, at a Biden debate watch party aired on TV, the president came onto the stage and gave some warm words to the crowd, a short speech in which he was lucid and connected, completely in the moment. It was a relief of sorts since it proved that the most distorted imaginings of the far right regarding Biden’s mental acuity and sharpness are not true—a fear that pulsed through us during the debate—and he surely was up to the job of running the country.

He just had a really bad night. Perhaps with a cold, and at 81, we’d all have a similar night. But we’re all not running for president, and the stakes couldn’t be higher.

[...] Biden could give a speech in the coming days, not only showing he’s in the moment but also addressing what happened—and admitting it was a disaster and humbling. That would go a long way. President Obama did terribly in his first debate with Mitt Romney, and it happens with most incumbents in the first debate.

Michelangelo Signorile nails it with his post-debate recap: Biden had a bad start to the debate, and Trump didn’t do much to change the perception that he is an unhinged maniac.