#I’m not coping well friends
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Does the flag REALLY means death once again? Can’t it mean something else for just once? Why is the flag denied a fairytale ending even this time?
#I’m grieving guys#I mean today my mental health wasn’t strong to begin with#this was the nail in the coffin#bye I’m gonna go drown myself in herbal tea and no comfort show because I don’t have one anymore#I’m not coping well friends#I come from 10 days of high where nothing bad was happening and all the while I was dreading the happiness#becasue well you’re all as mentally ill as I am you know the dread of feeling happy#here we are folks depression’s holidays are over she’s back at work and she takes it very seriously#also my trust issues are being triggered by a stupid fucking show#I need a break and I’d like it to last longer than 10 days every 5 years#I digressed into a monologue of self pity brb I need to call my therapist#ofmd#our flag means death#ofmd s2#our flag means death s2
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I was gonna make I different post about Hannibal’s face but then I discovered you can add effects to gifs
#oh well#hope this gets a laugh out of someone#also im rewatching the show with my friends#and we just watched Mizumono#and this is how I’m coping with it#hannibal#hannibal lecter#hannibal nbc#will graham#hugh dancy#mads mikkelsen#abigail hobbs
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Charles Rowland makes me sad this, Charles Rowland needs therapy that— Charles Rowland makes me feel seen.
It’s okay Charles, I understand you. You’re my best boy.
#Oh to be in a codependent and not well defined relationship with your best friend (but they have forever to figure it out)#To be doing your best to cope with wounds you haven’t fully healed from because no one in your home ever talked about them#Charles Rowland you are an Icon and I love you#Charles Rowland#dead boy detectives#I’m having Charles feelings today and every day#My posts
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I’m now fairly certain that every Persona protagonist is (or has been) some flavour of depressed/traumatized, with the exception of Chad Narukami
#naoya totally zoned out: ‘I should’ve died instead of my twin brother’#his friends: awkwardly staring in horror at him#tatsuya: ‘I can get stabbed a little it’s fine I deserve it I deserve eternal torment. this is a healthy coping mechanism’#shadow maya: ‘you’re not happy at all are you?’#maya: ‘lmao whaaat??? no no I’m happy all the time definitely don’t have crippling pyrophobia or the weight of existence on my shoulders’#now idk p3 at all but those guys summon their personas by literally shooting themselves in the head#there is no way emo blue or suspiciously cheery red are well adjusted#ren: canonically has police trauma. heavily implied to not take care of himself properly unless his talking cat reminds him#I also don’t know p4 that well but from what little I have seen#Yu: ‘I mean there are murders happening but I’m just vibing with my friends for the most part are you guys ok???’#storyrambles#persona
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TMNT AU COMPETITION MASTERPOST
Most AU Leos: Has killed a few guys, AngstyTeen™️, has hates/argues-with-splinter-and-Raph Syndrome
B.e.a.s.t.! Leo walking in, cracking jokes about how he and his brothers have been responsible for genociding an entire alien race: I’m about to ruin these guys careers
#I love the idea that out of all the au leos beast Leo’s the most fucked up one#like the other leos are talking about how they’re Different™️ and beast Leo casually drops:#‘oh yeah me and my bros and our friends killed another universe’s entire race of kraang’#…#WHAT—#everyone else is freaking out and Cup’s Sep Leo is like: mad respect#OMO Leo: man I wished I could’ve joined#WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU KILLED AN ENITE RACE OF KRAANG?!#beast Leo: well to be fair they were like the size of brains and just SO easy to kill—#and my progress on my mental health and processing my truama has kinda regressed—#EVEN RAPH AND MIKEY?!#‘oh yeah Raph tore through their entire army and Mikey took down their airforce’#WHAT?!#I can’t wait for the interactions#all the other leos thinking they’re the most lethal here and beast leo’s just casually:#oh btw I’m a weapon of war f’s in the chat for the Kraang tho amiright?#let’s just say EVERY Mikey in the perimeter is on him and their brothers for their unhealthy coping mechanisms#and that’s how beast Leo casually asserts his dominance#the Peepaw Leos would be proud#rottmnt#rise tmnt#tmnt crossover#au crossover#crossover au#tmnt au competition#b.e.a.s.t#b.e.a.s.t. leo
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Life finally feels like it’s falling into place 🥰
#confirmed that a PhD is likely not possible#bc I can’t afford to live off half my current income#which is a big ass bummer#but I’m coping well with it#I’m in a job I love#that’s letting me pursue my passions as much as I’m able to#I’m incredibly in love#and finding a way to navigate the difficulties of long distance#without staying hung up on the struggles#I have a best friend!#and for the first time since I was little I’m also their best friend#I’ve been limiting contact with my abusive parent#and getting closer to my siblings#and finally sorting out my cats health issue#I just feel like I can breathe for the first time in a few years and that’s so so very nice
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when the unhealthy homoromantic friendship got yu that bad your therapist had to treat your separation like a bereavement and is teaching you coping mechanisms for grief
#dawgs dont get into situationships with your closest friend you’ve ever had it dont end well#LMAO#i have to laugh otherwise i might completely break down#LMFAO#(im afraid i’ll never find someone who will love me unconditionally because im too much to handle)#HAHA WHAT PARKER’S GETTING EMOTIONAL ON MAIN??#(im afraid that i’m not only unlovable but also that i will inevitably ruin any relationship i form)#WHAT THE FUUUUCKKK#THIS IS SO CRINGE#(i’m completely delusional and the more i keep repressing this shit the further i regress into my head)#WOOOAH GET A GRIP DUDE????#(i can’t cope with this type of stuff)#parker spews his troubles connecting emotionally and romantically and platonically and just generically with people#sorry guys i am cringe feel free to ignore this
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in order to reread a feast for crows i need to get back into the summer 2022 mindset where reading it for the first time in june i had just graduated college and moved and started grad school and spent so much time directionlessly wandering around the countryside sitting by the river accomplishing nothing and wondering what i was doing with my life. because that made me understand all the themes SO good i imprinted on that book like a baby duckling
#aimlessly wandering around the riverlands irl. to cope.#this was when i was too shy to post all of my thoughts. my deranged doom of valyria=kings landing tunnels essay that only exists in my notes#i’m like well adjusted with friends and academic interests and a job now. quick i need to ruin my own life to understand this book
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I’ll never understand younger siblings whining about their older siblings moving away like I bet yall were nasty and annoying too like wow all those years and you claim to adore the older sibling and post oh woe is me the older sibling abandoned me … girl … the older sibling didn’t have a parental certificate or anything.
#since when were we friends nor did I have any obligation over you or towards you#we are literally roommates here acting like we’re friends#dora daily#I say this cause I saw yet another younger sibling on tiktok trying to make themselves a victim like the older one is clearly avoiding the#whole family and changing their phone number so u guys don’t contact for a reason like wth did you guys do that’s so bad they would go#through all that trouble#‘older siblings will never understand how doing that affects us physically and mentally’ oh quit whining and cope#I didn’t have an older sibling I relied on only myself heck not even strangers help me when I’m in dire need#I think yall need to cope harder and wake up to the real world#not all younger siblings but a lot of them like my little brother 13yo is good id never want to abandon him but the rest … yeah bye#idgaf you should’ve not been an idiot because believe me ik kids mess up but not like this#and now she’s grovelling at my feet bye grovel harder#like just an hour ago or so she came up to me and was like I’m going to school for the first day are you gonna miss me#I said no because she always tells me no when I ask her if she missed me#and somehow she had the audacity to be upset like okay#the same girl who tells me to move out btw#my mum said oh u have to be her best friend cause if she has nobody here then she will have to rely on strangers#and she would find herself in trouble cause they don’t have good intent oh gee I wonder which person caused me to do that#it’s honestly ironic#like Eris and virtue happened because she couldn’t step up and be a normal mother byeeee#and anyways whyre you acting like having a sibling is essential#it honestly isn’t like why would I be nice to a girl who dogs on me and beats me up and is disrespectful#she’s not that young anymore she’s almost 12#‘oh they have different personalities’ well i hate hers and im not to be forced to like it either its my right
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I really wish there was a way to be like “hey I love you, I care about you but I’m blocking you temporarily because we’re at way different points in our lives and I am happy to open the door and have a friendship with you after you go through therapy and learn how to heal in a way that works for you.” But in a nice polite way that conveys the warmth and genuine regret I feel about the situation. We’re on different journeys and life paths but that doesn’t mean they can’t cross again, that doesn’t mean it’s over with forever. It’s just that I put in the work to change and better myself and I need a break so I don’t regress because the situation is too painful for me unless they go to therapy and work on things too. But mental health is so stigmatized that it makes it sound much crueler than it really is. And I also am terrified to say things that could be misinterpreted and perceived in a way I don’t mean. So I didn’t say that, I only blocked (only on one platform) despite what it would look like. Ugh.
Anyway, my friend, if you read this I’m not angry with you and I don’t hate you. I want you to get better and meet up with you when we’re both happier and in better mental spaces. We both deserve that. If you reach out to me I’ll listen. That door was never completely shut and I don’t intend on doing so.
I just want us both to be healthy.
#mental health tag#its hard y’all#I hope this doesn’t come across as a vague post or anything#this is a genuine ‘ily and I wish you well and I hope we’ll be friends in the future’ post#I didn’t realize how hard it really is to prioritize yourself and be in a healthy friendship when you both struggle w mental illness#Going to therapy kinda taught me how much we could all use therapy & better coping mechanisms#Anyway I’m sorry I blocked and I hope they see this and know I still care and wanna talk#I just want them to get therapy and help themselves too#Hhhhh#back to lurking#sorry for the personal post
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this weekend was…absurdly miserable lmao
#yes I’m being negative again but in a much more general way than usual!#it was foreseeable since I spent the past like 4 weeks at my parents’ house with my sister and yuki#and always had someone around me#so naturally being back at my own flat in the city I don’t know anyone in has been shit#but I also didn’t even do ANYTHING to at least try to keep my mind busy 😭#no giffing no reading no workout no replying to messages and asks#just. laying in my bed and discovering I actually developed a widow’s hump from looking at my phone a lot and stuff#like 😭😭😭😭 that’s the high life my friends. my twenties have been glorious#and let’s not forget the crippling anxiety on top cause my very close future is still written in the stars and I’m coping so well!#someone save me bro#anyway I’ll drive to the library tomorrow and Tuesday and try to get some writing done wish me luck#Wednesday's gonna be so fucking exhausting as well work-wise I can't wait for the coming week :)))
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thank you to everyone who gave me advice on preparing for my first ever Tisha b’av service last night! I was surprisingly well prepared and it was a beautiful service
#kazoo noises#Conversion tag#Jumblr#i did spend a lot of it worried about the fringe on my Stevie nicks poncho not catching fire on the candle and realizing I have no#way to cope with older transliterations of Hebrew (whoops) but it was a very beautiful service and my friend#Henry who got me the scroll for my mezuzah gave me a lift home and we spent the entire time talking about my journey to conversion#As well as my family and the people we were remembering#My inter generational friends are so important to me man#Something about hanging out with Jewish people who got scads of grandkids already. Just makes ya feel complete and at peace with#Stuff ya know. Like man. We’ve been here for so long. We’ve been through so much and regrettably we will be through more. But we’re here#We’re together. We’re joking about like the only person under the age of 25 at service and his stumbling through blessings#(Also bc despite only saying them for a year the instinctual call and response is already set in)#I was thankfully not the only person saying the entire Kaddish at service. A lady from the other congregation also did it and Henry AND#The rabbi caught me#Anyway. If you interacted with my post last night: thank you. Your community has been so wonderful and it’s such a privilege that I’m#Allowed to work towards joining you all#Sorry for being mad sappy on main but like. I’ve had an incredibly crazy two years and conversion has probably been the only thing keeping#Me fully tethered onto the earth and not climbing the walls
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she posted like parts of a photo from this summer on her instagram story doesn’t matter whatever i am in that photo and it’s the beach at the end of my street and i am going to be fucking sick i hope i really fucking hope it makes her a bit sick too
#it’s soooo something’s missing and it’s me and it’s on purpose! and i’ll probably see her next week at a house party#and she promised to call when she gets better just to let me know and she is better and she’ll never reach out#and i tried so hard to be anything she wanted me to be anything she needed and i wasn’t doing well and i tried so hard not to put that#weight on her and i was still a burden! and she said that she wanted to stay friends and i would’ve taken anything she was willing to give!#anything at all! i loved her and she was my best friend and i would’ve coped with anything just to have her around sometimes! and#she promised and she never fucking called! just one lousy fucking call to let me know she isn’t going to kill herself or anything! and i wa#working two fucking jobs 6 days a week and going to uni to pay off a debt to my father getting harassed constantly i went through first#semester barely alive barely awake constantly cold and hungry! and in the middle of all that she decides to just leave bc her online fuckin#therapist told her that because she’s feeling guilty over not being present in the relationship and that guilt is just fucking suffocating#as if i’m not drowning in guilt and self pity my entire fucking life#this is so stupid and i’m oversharing but i’ve already typed it out and i can’t keep crying to my friends over same shit from 3 months ago
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sometimes im just like doing my thing and then a spike of anxiety about my friends not liking me shoots through me and i immediately go check if i’m still mutuals with someone
#literally last night when i was going to bed i was like “huh i haven’t seen [friend i love] on the dash much in a while”#and then i started panicking thinking i did something and they blocked me and hated me now#and i couldn’t sleep for a bit bc i had this overwhelming need to go and check and make sure#…im realizing i’m probably not coping as well with the Events as i thought. hm.
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okay the c update from the past few days is that i have obtained an apartment and it has cute butter yellow tiles in the bathroom yay <3
#also it’s the same apartment complex as my bf and also right across the street from where another one of my friends lives yayyyyy#it is a 40 min commute from my job which is less than ideal however . i can not afford to live closer than that so i will cope#well i could probably afford to live there but i wanna save more money for grad school and also it would be more than i’m paying for a one#bedroom for a studio and in an area that i would not be as comfortable in so i will cope
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usually i don’t trust a link to tell me how to do anything unless it’s a very literal skill but there are so many links for “how to make a new place feel like home” that one of them has to work
#i’ve moved into my dorm before but i knew i’d be moving out#this is a more complete chance#and apparently I’ve been hit with all the emotions about it at this present moment#well. i’m sure not all. but. a lot of them#and i’ve been distant with my friends lately because. not dealing with things well and not wanting to drag them down with me#but. something something pushing people away isn’t coping and can make things worse in the long run#anyway. my family wants me to watch Ted lasso. I will probably say I’m going to bed soon because I need to cry#not. in a bad way really. there are just too many emotions way too fast#vent tw
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