#I’m ready for the ultimate therapy session

[trevuorzegras]

━╋ BETTING, PART TWO

summary: in which y/n y/l/n falls for the wrong guy, who turns out to have just bet on her. 2/4

mark estapa makes a bet that y/n will fall for him, for a great price of $100 from his friend, adam fantilli.

strangers to lovers to enemies to lovers.

pairings: mark estapa x fem!reader

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her.

For the next month or so, Dylan, and Y/N had grown closer than ever. In fact he was attending her physical therapy sessions whenever he wasn’t busy with hockey, or classes. She was grateful to have someone by her side, who understood her struggle as to why she hated being away from the ice.

Y/N had friends, of course she did, she was a ray of sunshine. She was amazing to be around, and people knew that. However she didn’t have friends that understood the love she had for skating. Having Dylan around was like a breath of fresh air for her, she finally had someone she could talk about her problems with.

Dylan didn’t mind her ranting, because ultimately he knew how she felt. He couldn’t imagine not being able to skate, let alone not being able to skate for the rest of the year. Y/N enjoyed that Dylan didn’t look at her wiyh pity, like she was just the girl who could no longer preform. He looked at her like she was someone who would recover, and would do something great.

Y/N enjoyed Dylan’s company, just as he had enjoyed hers. He enjoyed her company so much so, that he had invited her to almost all of his games. She attended as many as she could, most were home games. She may not have been able to skate herself, but she enjoyed watching Dylan, and his team.

He had invited her quite a few times to join him at the post hockey party that accrued after every home game, however she always had an excuse. “I’m busy.” “I would love to, but i have early class tomorrow.” “I promised my roommate i’d be home early.” “I’m actually hanging out with my friends tonight.”

She knew her excuses were pathetic, but she couldn’t bring herself to go to parties. Not after all that had happened, she mentally cursed herself for the way it all went down. Her couch told her she wasn’t ready, she told her! She just hadn’t listened. She thought she could do it, but she couldn’t, eventually possibly coasting her the future she wanted.

After what felt like an eternity, Dylan was finally able to convince Y/N to come to a party with him. The conversation had begun just after the two of them left the doctors office, at which her physical therapy sessions were held.

Dylan stopped walking for a moment, causing Y/N’s eyebrows to furrow. She turned towards the boy who stood a few inches taller than her, a look of confusion clear on her features. “Sunshine, i know you will most likely say no, but would you please consider going to the party tonight?” Y/N thought for a second, before shaking her head, “I don’t know, Duker.”

Dylan had a pleading look in his eyes as he turned towards the girl, a look of hope in his eyes, “Please? Come on Sunny! It’s a Saturday!” Y/N looked the boy in his eyes, she watched as he gave her a look. A look that she knew all too well. It was look Dylan gave her when he wanted her to do something with him. She mostly got the look when he wanted her to attend a party. It became a routine of Dylan’s, asking Y/N to come to parties with him, that is.

Y/N took one last look at the boy who still had that same pleading look on his face, before groaning. “Fine! One party, that’s it.” Dylan’s face lit up, and the words that left her mouth, a small squeal leaving his throat as a smile broke onto his face. “You won’t regret it!”

So there Y/N was, a couple of hours later stood in her dorm room, Dylan sat on her bed as she got ready. He couldn’t explain how excited he was that she finally agreed to go to a party with him. Dylan had told his team about the young girl on multiple occasions, however they’ve never seen the girl. They also didn’t know her real name. Dylan had been referring to Y/N as Sunny, or Sunshine since about a week into their friendship.

The entire hockey team had only known the girl as Sunny. That’s what Dylan had always called her in front of them, it never occurred to him that he didn’t ever tell the group her real name, nor showed them a photo of her.

Dylan sat not so patiently on the girls bed, as she finished putting on her lipgloss. Dyan had been complaining none stop since she started getting ready, “Can you hurry up, we’re going to be late.” Y/N rolled her eyes at the boy, a sarcastic smile on her face, “You cannot be late to a party, Dyl.” The forward let out another groan, throwing his head back, causing Y/N to laugh coming out of the bathroom.

As Y/N walks out, she smooths out her tight black leather skirt, the red corset hugging her body tightly. Y/N’s eyes meet Dylan, as his mouth opens slightly. Dylan takes a moment, before he speaks up, “You look great, Sunny. I’m glad you decided to come with me tonight.” Y/N smiled at the boy’s compliment, “Thank you, D. I’m glad i decided to attend as well.”

Eventually Y/N found herself in front of the hockey house, Dylan standing by her side, a soft smile on his face. Dylan asked her if she was ready to go in, to which she nodded. As the duo walked into the house, loud music overtook the girl, her face scanning for any familiar faces.

Y/N hadn’t seen anyone that she recognized, she moved her eyes forward deciding to ignore the unfamiliar feeling in her stomach. She finally moved her eyes forward, as Dylan had come to a stop. She was about to give the boy a confused face until she saw they had stopped in front of a group of guys, causing her face to flush.

“Sunshine, this is some of the guys i’ve been telling you about.” Y/N thought for a moment, before her face lit up, “Oh yes! The team, right, nice to meet you guys, i’ve heard a lot about you all!” Y/N look towards a taller boy, with a slight beard, and damp hair as he spoke, “Nice to meet you, Sunny, is it?”

Y/N laughed for a moment, before looking back up to the group that stood in front of her, “My name isn’t actually Sunny, you guys do know that, right?” One of the guys eyes widened, as he looked towards Dylan, “No we did not know that, we always kind of assumed your name was Sunny, because of the whole Sunshine thing.”

A smile once again takes over her features, as she playfully punched the boy stood beside her. “You never told them my real name, Dyl?” As the boy turns away embarrassed, he groaned, “I thought i did! I guess Sunny, and Sunshine have always just been what i say in front of them.”

Y/N smiled at her bestfriend, throwing her arms around him, pulling him into a hug. Dylan quickly hugged the girl back, before she pulled away, “Well my name is Y/N. Sunshine, and Sunny are just nicknames that Duker has picked up.” Dylan groaned again, “Whatever. I’m going to go get a drink, want anything Sun- Y/N?” Y/N let out a laugh at the boy, before nodding, “Just a water is fine.”

As the boy made his way to the kitchen, Y/N turned her attention back to the group in front of her. To her surprise the guys had already been staring at her, “So you’re who Dylan has been spending his time with?” Y/N blushes slightly at the sudden question, before nodding slightly, “I guess so? We’ve been hanging out a lot more recently, and he takes me to my physical therapy sessions sometimes. I’m sorry if i’ve been taking up all his t-”

The girl was quickly cut off by a boy with fluffy blonde hair, who if she had to guess would be Mark. “No, no. Don’t apologize, we just haven’t really seen Duker hang out with anyone who wasn’t the team. We’re glad he has someone who he can escape with.”

The boy stood beside him, who had assumed her name was Sunny spoke again, “He told us about the accident, we’re really sorry about that. We understand how hard being off the ice is. I can’t even imagine being off ice until next year. That must really suck, huh?”

Y/N looked towards her feet, as she suddenly felt on the spot. She hadn’t thought about the accident much anymore, at least not anywhere outside of physical therapy. Y/N nodded at the boy, “It’s been hard, but if i make sure to keep up with physical therapy, then i should be back the second the new season starts.”

Y/N was grateful when Dylan had finally gotten back with their drinks, him quickly saying something about the kitchen being packed. All she could do was nod, trying to be polite without sounding bitchy.

Y/N didn’t have a problem with Dylan’s teammates, in fact they seemed nice, but the last thing she wanted to do right now was think of the accident. That’s all she had been thinking about the last month or so, everything reminded her of it. The decorations hanging on her walls, the metals from comps, her teammates, everything. She hated the feeling, this feeling she had been feeling for the last month, but slowly it had been going away, with Dylan it was going away.

For what seemed like forever, Y/N followed Dylan around like a lost puppy. She wasn’t afraid to say she stuck by his side, she hadn’t known anyone besides him there. Well she did know the hockey team now, but she definitely wouldn’t say they were friends.

Dylan had decided he wanted to play beer pong with Rutger, Luca and Ethan. Sure enough Dylan had asked her to join, to which she quickly declined. Y/N was never a drinker, even before her accident. She would maybe drink once every couple of months, but now she had honestly sworn off drinking.

him.

Mark stood beside Adam as his eyes drifted to Y/N. He wasn’t sure why, but he was intrigued by the girl. Maybe it was the fact she was a skater? Maybe it was that she was pretty? He may never know what drew him into her.

His thoughts were quickly cut off by Adam, who slapped his arm, “You’re staring.” Mark shook his head, taking one last look at the girl who was now sat on a couch, phone in her hand. “No i am not.”

Luca cut into their conversation by throwing in a quick, “You definitely were.” This caused Mark to let out a groan, throwing his head back against the wall he stood in front of. “Why don’t you ask her out?”

Mark looked towards Adam as if he had three heads, shaking his head quickly, “Absolutely not, dude i just met her!” Luca shrugged at he took a shot at Ethan, and Dylan’s cups, “You won’t ever know her if you don’t ask.”

“He’s right, Mark. She’s my bestfriend, i’m sure she’d say yes. She hasn’t really had time for a relationship, cause of the accident, but with summer coming up, i’m sure she’d like to try.” Adam smirked at Dylan’s words as an idea popped into his head, “Why don’t we make a bet?”

Mark raised his eyebrows at the younger boy, “What kind of bet?” Adam simply shrugged, throwing his arms around the dirty blonde. “I bet you.. Let’s say a hundred bucks, that you can’t get Y/N to fall for you. If she falls, you get a hundred bucks, if she doesn’t.. Then consider me a hundred dollars richer.”

Dylan was the first to protest, “Dude i just said she hasn’t had a relationship in a while, and your first thought is to fucking bet on her?” Adam once again shrugs, bringing Mark closer to him, “Just think about it.”

next part

check out my college hockey masterlist, here!

i’m so excited for this story, you guys actually have no idea. i don’t really ever have opportunities to actually write so i took my chance 🤗 (not proof read.)

taglist | @wnderify @bunbunbl0gs

[arwenkenobi48]

So I got some last minute resolutions/goals for 2024 (and beyond) that I just wanna shovel out real quick

Idk if you’d classify people pleasing and codependency as the same thing (or at least in the same kinda scale) but I’ve been reflecting on just how much I need to change that and I’m now determined more than ever to do so. Starting emotional regulation therapy in just a few days from now and I’m going to use the skills I learn there wisely. Heck, the few sessions of normal therapy I’ve been having are already making a positive impact. It’s slow, but it’s definitely happening and I can feel that beginning to form within me.

Also, I’m getting closer and closer to reaching my spot on the gender clinic waiting list. I’ll most likely reach it around my 25th birthday. I’m 23 and a half now, going to be 24 this time in the next six months. Honestly, I didn’t think I’d make it this far, but here I am nonetheless. But I digress. The point is, I know that transitioning medically is gonna be a helluva process but it’ll be worth it. That, combined with the progress I’m sure I’ll make in therapy, will guide me through the next stage of my rebirth, my metamorphosis into the man I know I can be. So I’m going to keep striving for that too.

And finally, once I’ve made a little more progress with my healing journey, I intend to start looking for love in an irl relationship. Ofc I know it’s going to be a long time before I’m ready to reach that point, but contrary to what I thought earlier this year, I think it is definitely possible to achieve and that’s another thing I have to keep me going. For now though, I need to concentrate on healing.

Honestly, I think I’ve got a much better understanding of just how much work that entails and the depths of how my life experiences have shaped me. I can see a lot more clearly just how to work on myself and why, how to shed the maladaptive coping mechanisms I needed to survive when I was younger and how I can improve myself. I know that healing isn’t a linear journey and there are many days when it’s far from easy, but I’ll get through it, even on the days when I feel like I won’t.

Ultimately, I think the most important resolution I can make at this point in time is to be there for myself. Through thick and thin, rain or shine. It’s hard, but I can do it and I have faith that I will. I will get where I need to be. Sure, my life’s taking a different path than what you’d expect from a guy in his early 20s, but that’s ok. If my path gets me where I need to be, then I’ll keep going forward. Here’s to a bright future and a new year that brings positive growth and new beginnings.

Year of the Dragon, here I come!

[a-silent-symphony]

Former NIGHTWISH Bassist/Vocalist MARKO 'MARCO' HIETALA Doesn't Expect To Be Asked To Return To The Band

Former NIGHTWISH bassist/vocalist Marko "Marco" Hietala says that he doesn't expect to be asked to return to the band any time soon.

The bassist/vocalist announced his departure from NIGHTWISH in January 2021, explaining in a statement that he hadn't "been able to feel validated by this life for a quite a few years now." He has since been replaced by session bassist Jukka Koskinen (WINTERSUN),who made his live debut with NIGHTWISH in May 2021 at the band's two interactive experiences.

In a new interview with Finland's Iltalehti, Hietala revealed that he went through a dark period in his life, which included depression, insomnia and anxiety.

“Sometimes I thought I would walk from my backyard to the icy lake and just disappear," Hietala said, according to Chaoszine, which translated his comments from Finnish.

Marko added that the canceled tours during the pandemic of 2020 brought peace to his life, which the musician was no longer ready to give up when it was time for NIGHTWISH to prepare to go on tour again.

"My head had gone to the point where I could no longer bear the thought of having to go out into the world for a month or a month and a half with the same conditions and troubles," Hietala recalled.

Hietala was also asked about a possible return to NIGHTWISH. However, he said that he does not believe that he will be approached about coming back to the band. "I’m not waiting for a call asking me to return or a meeting invitation," he said. "For many years, I would get pissed off practically every day at some point. Black thoughts would pop up as soon as there was an empty moment. Even though the gang knows there’s depression and medication and therapy, I can’t help being tired. I saw leaving as necessary for both me and them."

Hietala went on to say that he has not kept in touch with NIGHTWISH since his departure or followed the activities of his former band.

In May 2021, NIGHTWISH keyboardist and main songwriter Tuomas Holopainen said that Hietala's decision to leave the band "came as a bit of a surprise." He told Finland's Kaaos TV: "Marko informed us in December [of 2020 that he was leaving the band]. And even though he has been very open about his state and problems during the past years, it still came as a bit of a surprise for us. So it was a really tough pill to swallow. And for a few days, I was actually quite confident that there's no coming back, that this is it. I remember talking to Emppu [Vuorinen], the guitar player, and we were, like, 'You think this is it?' 'Yeah, I think this is it.' I mean, enough is enough. So much has happened in the past. Something that broke the camel's back, as they say. Then, after some time had passed — a few days — we started to think that it's been such a ride of 25 years, with so many ups also, that this is not the way to end it."

Tuomas elaborated on NIGHTWISH's reasons for carrying on, saying: "I think we still have something to give, and that's the main point. The music is still there. We felt that there's still so much music that needs to come out from this band that, 'Okay, let's give it one more shot.' And then finding the new bass player was really easy."

He added: "It's not like we do this just because we need to do it and there's nothing else to do. On a personal level, I feel that there's still so many stories and melodies that I want to share with the world with one lineup or another, so that's why you want to continue and keep on going.

"I've said this a million times, that a lineup change is the ultimate energy vampire, and that's how it really felt and still feels."

In June 2021, NIGHTWISH singer Floor Jansen spoke about Hietala's exit from the band in an episode of her "Storytime" YouTube video series. She said: "That was a very sudden surprise that, of course, was not fun at all. But we understand — I understand — it was a necessary thing for him to do. And from there, we had to think of how to continue without him, and that also, in preparations towards the virtual show, that was a huge challenge."

She continued: "I'm very happy we found Jukka to play with us. And it was wonderful to get together, even though miss Marko, in April to start rehearsing for these virtual shows. Fortunately, we had a lot of time together, and it was very nice to go through the process of really not just knowing how to sing or play the songs but actually really feeling them, really communicating them, as you do with a show. We did that together. And then, of course, came the relatively unnatural setting of standing in a green bathroom [laughs] called the green screens all around us and cameras and people going for coffee instead of a real live audience. But that was really great. We had so much time that we could rehearse all of that and had a lot of fun doing that in the process."

NIGHTWISH is continuing to tour in support of its "Human. :II: Nature." album, which was released in April 2020. The follow-up to 2015's "Endless Forms Most Beautiful", "Human. :II: Nature." is a double album containing nine tracks on the main CD and one long track, divided into eight chapters, on CD 2.

In December 2020, Hietala was crowned the winner of the fall 2020 season of "Masked Singer Suomi" — the Finnish edition of the popular masked singing contest. He was disguised as Tohtori — the Doctor.

[freebirthcharts1]

Astrology Observations

THE ACTORS OF THE ZODIAC are Scorpio, Gemini and Pisces. Scorpio’s have such control of their emotions they can be happy, sad, angry all at the same time whenever they need to. Gemini’s can shuffle the words, intonations and can fit themselves into any scene. Pisces will get so emerged in the role that it’s real for them.

THE BEST ROMANTIC SYNASTRY you can have with someone is:

Venus conjunct Moon the perfect best friends & lovers type romance. A lot of laughs and love, feeling very safe and peaceful with each other.

Venus conjunct Mars the ultimate aspect, very romantic but also very sexual. Not being able to get enough of each other’s company, wanting to do everything together.

Mars conjunct Moon very sexual aspect. Energizing each other, being excited by each other, a nice spark. Doing fun things together.

Venus opposite Mars love-hate if not careful but very intensely sexual. One minute you could be all over each other and next minute you could be repulsed by each other.

Venus trine Mars easy light romance. Satisfying sexually and romantically. Great for a fling or summer love.

Venus opposite Venus very thoughtful to each other, loving each other’s clothes and aesthetic, nice dates.

Mercury-venus could write poetry together.

Moon-mercury best therapy sessions.

PLACEMENTS WITH MYSTERIOUS VIBES are:

Scorpio/Pluto: they know a lot and do a lot of the things no one wants to do that need to be done and are very trustworthy so will not tell anyone about business they don’t need to know. You know they know things you want to know but I’m telling you you’ll never know.

Pisces/Neptune: they are good at hiding things, convoluting things, distorting things. So the truth is not what it seems with them. On one hand they seem like they don’t get outside and only watch anime and smoke weed and on the other hand it seems like they’re immortal and lived a hundred lives. Mostly it’s because they’re afraid and they protect themselves from you getting upset by making you not know what’s really going on.

Lilith: they have a lot of dark, repressed thoughts and feelings they know if let out will hurt people or that they’ll get shamed for it. Also similar to Scorpio they have seen and done some shit.

HAPPY GO-LUCKY PLACEMENTS ARE:

Aries/Mars: they are always ready to go wherever, do whatever, fight whoever. They are very confident so can take anything.

Gemini: if something goes wrong they find a way to take the situation as something positive and make a nice joke about it. They’re especially motivated to do that when with friends.

Cancer: they’re very sensitive so they might need to cope by crying but it’s like the serotonin your brain gives you after crying. They take any emotion that comes actually and make it good.

Leo/Sun: nothing bad happens to them because it’s them! And they’ll be happy to share that mindset with you. The sun shines 😋

Sagittarius/Jupiter: they’re literally always upbeat and if they’re not they’ll just scream loudly or do something uncoordinated. They always have something positive to say.

Pisces/Neptune: similar to Cancer also they know that if they die their soul will go on to heaven or something so everything’s alright 🙃

[dannythedog]

Depressed boyfriend anon update: hi, idk if you remember me, but a while ago I sent you a thing asking for advice on how to deal with my bf's depressive episodes and I figured I might as well update you, mostly because I don't have anyone else I can share this with.

So last time, I told you he became pretty distant whenever he was going through these episodes, right? I also told you I suggested therapy, even offered to pay for it. Well, after some back and forth he finally agreed to find a therapist, but he only went to two sessions before ultimately deciding that it wasn't working and that he wanted to quit. After his first apppointment we had what I thought was a pretty good heart to heart and we voiced some of our concerns and things that bothered us about the relationship. I told him I was sorry if I ever hurt him with my choice of words or with my actions and told him I was willing to listen and make changes in order to fix things. I asked him if he wanted us to work on these things and he said he didn't know, asked him if he wanted to work towards fixing the relationship and said he didn't know, which was heartbreaking to me. Like, the man I've been with for years is telling me he doesn't know if our relationship is worth salvaging. Still, I thought he was just not doing well mentally and emotionally so I just told myself that this was okay, that I would stop pestering him but would stick around just in case he needed anything, and that maybe eventually things would start looking up.

Well, things have been pretty shitty ever since then. A few days after that conversation, he took me on a date where I felt really good. He kissed me for the first time in forever and I genuinely thought we were finally on the way to fix things, but then he spent the following days doing his cold, distant number. Later he asked me to spend the night at his place and I stupidly said yes, he gave me a gift, made dinner, we had sex, etc. then the next day he ignored me as I got ready to leave and has been avoiding eye contact with me. I had to walk home by myself and felt extremely used. Turns out this behavior has a name-- It's called love-bombing, and it's a form of emotional manipulation. tbh at this point I don't even know if he's actually just doing not good emotionally, or if he's just an asshole. But I think I am pretty done.

Aw babe I’m so sorry :( at this point it really sounds like you have to do what’s best for you. You’ve tried to communicate and offered to work on things with him but it’s clear that he has no concern for anything other than himself. I’m really sorry that he’s doing this to you

[rehabfacilitybagalkote]

How to inform Your Friends And Family You’re Going To Rehab

Pick the right time

The first step is to be sure that you have selected the right time. It would be best to do it when everyone in your family is sober and can give the conversation their full attention. Make sure you are sober too, as alcohol or drugs can cloud your ability to clearly communicate your feelings, needs, and intentions. Avoid doing it after a stressful day at work or school, when someone is tired or distracted. Choose a time when you can sit down privately with each person individually. Tell them about the Bagalkota rehab center before you tell anyone else in order for them to comprehend what's happening in an environment where they feel comfortable asking any questions they may have.

Be direct

We made some mistakes that ultimately led us to rehab. It's a bit embarrassing, so I won't go into the many details but the most important thing is that I'm better because of it.

I am glad you are getting help; it is the best thing for you and your family. Please know that you have our support no matter what happens.

Explain what addiction is

"There are some things you should know about addiction before you begin having these conversations," he says. First, Dr. Rigg says that it's important to understand the difference between dependence and addiction.

"People can be dependent on things because of a medical situation, but that’s not an addiction," he says. "They’re very different."

"Addiction is a disease of the brain, meaning it affects how your brain works. It's not a moral failing or a sign of weakness or something people choose," Dr. Rigg explains. "And it’s very treatable if people get help."

Addressing concerns and questions

Once your loved ones understand what’s going on, they’re likely to have a lot of questions. Be prepared by addressing the following topics:

What they should expect while you’re away. Let your friends and family know what you plan to do at rehab, and how that will help you overcome your addiction. Keep in mind that not everyone understands exactly what happens at a treatment program or the mindset of those who are struggling with addiction. Don’t assume they automatically understand why something is important to your recovery; instead, help them see how it can benefit you and others affected by substance abuse.

What you’re planning to do when you return. An important part of recovery is having a support network after rehab. Explain how you will involve yourself in healthy activities once back home—whether it means practising new hobbies or continuing therapy sessions—and why these activities are important for staying on top of your sobriety goals. And if possible, ask trusted friends and family members for their feedback on this matter so they feel more involved in the process as well as more certain about your future success in recovery—trust often strengthens relationships built through shared challenges like this one!

Saying goodbye -- for now

Now the time has come to get ready to leave. Say goodbye to your friends and family, but be sure to tell them that they’ll see and hear from you regularly. You’ll be back in touch soon, so don't make this goodbye too final. Remind them that you love them and get a hug before you go, if you can. If not, give them one anyway and tell them you’re going to be okay. Everyone loves hugs!

It’s important that your friends and family know why it's important for you to leave now — telling them will ensure they have a better understanding of why it's so crucial for your recovery that they show their support during this time apart. They'll miss you as much as you miss them, but it will also help them understand how vital what you're doing is for everyone involved. Showing someone how truly appreciative of their kindnesses even when things seem darkest helps build up trust between loved ones more than anything else could ever do.

It’s best to come out with the truth.

It’s understandable that you may be worried about what your friends and family will think as they find out that you need to take some time away. You are not alone in feeling this way, but know that addiction is a disease, and nothing you’ve done has been done with the intention of hurting them or yourself. You are not a bad person—you are getting help because you want to better your life. 

No matter what your addiction is or how long you've been struggling, deciding to go to rehab center in Bagalkota is a huge step. It's difficult to know how to tell your friends and family that you're going, but it's important that they are aware of your choice—even if it's hard for them to understand. To help you out, we've put together some tips on how to approach this conversation.

1. Focus on the positive

Rehab is a good thing, and that should be your primary message when talking about it with others. You're not just going because you have a problem; you're going so that you can resolve those problems, so frame this decision as a proactive one rather than a reactive one.

2. Be honest

When telling others about your decision, be completely honest about why you're going. Whether what you have is an addiction or a dependency, it's important that they know the truth so they can support you through this difficult process. Be honest about what drugs/alcohol do to your body and mind, and don't skimp on details! The more they know, the better they'll be able to empathize with what you're going through—and the more likely they'll be able to support you moving forward.

[soundwavemain]

Time for our communal therapy session! Everyone gather around while I expound for way too long on the act of sacrifice in Cyberverse seasons 3 and 4.

Per my latest post, this is specifically about how Soundwave’s sacrifice in season 4 parallels Shockwave’s sacrifice in season 3.

While Shockwave was still apart of the story, we see his rivalry with Soundwave. Their ways of dealing with problems, their differences in strategy, etc. is shown in a comedic way throughout the show. But, in reality, it also specifically displays their difference in character.

Shockwave is the definition of a loyal Decepticon. He was ready to lay down his life to accomplish Megatron’s goal, which would also result in Cybertron’s destruction. None of this mattered to Shockwave. He corrupted the Allspark and died. Sacrificing himself for Megatron was his final and ultimate act of submission to someone who was never going to do the same for him. (Yes, I’m still bitter.)

On the other side of the same coin, we have Soundwave who’s always had... alternative solutions. We watch him grow so much after Shockwave’s death. Instead of being subservient, he questions Megatron’s direction. He begins to reconsider what it means to continue under Megatron. He starts fighting for something other than the Decepticon cause when the Quintessons invade. He’s fighting for the survival of his fellow Cybertronians, for the betterment of all those who live on the planet.

This is where Soundwave and Shockwave diverge. During The Perfect Decepticon, Soundwave fought against Tarn, risked his mind, body, and life to save everyone. And I mean everyone. Because Soundwave could have just as easily said, “Fuck it!” and just changed the clones’ code enough so that they would stop fighting but he didn’t. Soundwave changed it so that they could have free will, think, live. Soundwave freed them. That’s not something season 2 Soundwave would have done.

Then he attacks Tarn because he knows that there will be no peace with him alive. It doesn’t matter if he’s hurt alongside Tarn but I find it interesting that no one else was hurt in the explosion. It’s almost like he did it on purpose. It’s alright if he’s hurt, but everyone else deserves the chance to live.

Shockwave sacrificed his life so that everyone would be torn apart. Soundwave sacrificed his life so that all would be one.

[sneezefiction]

soft shiratorizawa sleepover

Shiratorizawa x Reader - Sleepover Headcanons

request: “Hi can I request having a sleepover with Shiratorizawa?”

a/n: classic Gracie move, here. ultra fluffed up, on a Friday evening. please enjoy some soft, sleepover moments with our faves, Ushijima, Tendou, Semi, Goshiki, Shirabu, Reon, and Yamagata. 

warnings: none!

wc: 930

soft sleepovers - karasuno edition

---

you’ve been unofficially managing/supervising the Shiratorizawa team over the past couple months

but with their strict schedule and the fact that you joined them a bit late into their volleyball season, it’s been hard to actually get to know them

luckily, you and Tendou hit it off instantly, his curiosity gravitating toward the novelty of having a team manager

after expressing your wish to get to know the team better, the idea for a sleepover popped up in a playful convo between you and Tendou

i mean, you were definitely joking about it, but apparently Tendou had already presented the idea to Ushijima

and Ushi was totally chill with it??

he felt like you would manage the team better if you could see how everyone functioned outside of a high-pressure game

also i’m almost entirely positive that half of this team has never had a real sleepover

like, sure, they’ve spent the night together while away for practices games and tournaments, but they’ve never had one for the purpose of “hanging out” with each other

the team is surprised to hear that you’ll be joining them, but they’re genuinely excited to learn about you

lmao they might even be sort of intimidated esp since most of them are fr socially awkward

so be ready to actually get to know these boys, bc they’re all weird af

ps everyone will be invading Goshiki’s home for this wild, overnight endeavor

you arrive slightly late, but you’re welcomed with sounds of howling laughter and vibrant discussions that seem to be spiraling into loud arguments

Semi has Shirabu in some kind of headlock, wrestling him to the floor for being too pretentious

Tendou is already in his sleeping bag, but he’s not actually lying down... he’s hopping around in it

and Ushijima looks like he’s supervising the entire team, while still holding a glint of humor behind his gaze, enjoying the goofiness of his teammates outside of a gym for once

when they spot you at the doorway, your pillows and items in hand, everyone goes silent

and then Tendou rushes toward you, crashing headfirst into your body after losing balance in his absurdly heavy sleeping bag

you’re pretty much stuck under him, so Reon and Ushi have to lift Tendou off of you before Semi can give you a hand up

you thank Semi and turn to Tendou with a playful scowl on your face, his own cat-like grin is spreading the width of his cheeks

before he can react, you’ve smashed a pillow right into his head, leaving him slightly dizzy as he throws his pillow toward you… but it misses

...landing straight into Ushijima’s gorgeously sculpted face

everyone is too shocked by this to realize that Ushi has already picked up a pillow and aimed it at poor Goshiki

the power in Ushi’s pillow throw literally knocks him off his feet

yikes

don’t get me wrong, Ushijima doesn’t really get the concept of a “pillow fight,” but he’s willing to try anything at least once to understand it

this starts a full-send pillow war:

It’s you, Semi, Goshiki, and Yamagata VS Tendou, Ushijima, Shirabu, and Reon

and lemme tell you, IT IS BRUTAL.

you learn quickly about their inner team rivalries and the team’s extensively colorful language

this ends with lots of sweat, several bruises, and countless bursts of excited laughter

but when the game and adrenaline highs wear off, you’re all left lying on the floor

they all recover pretty quickly, but most of the 3rd years realize just how worn out you are from the amount of effort you just exerted

Semi flicks you in the side of your head and asks you some personal questions, but really the whole group is listening in, 

“Y/n, why’d you choose to help our team out? I’m sure you have a lot going on outside of all of this.”

you’re taken aback, having to process your answer… because truthfully friends weren’t easy to come by these days

you’d been searching for an opportunity to find community and be apart of something… and this management position seemed to be an open door to it

“You’d be surprised by my social life, Semi.” you say through a laugh, but it doesn’t sound funny

you’re amazed by the understanding faces surrounding you, some nodding, other just staring without judgment

because they could all relate

LITERALLY this short convo turns into a really sweet discussion about fears and problems, with some venting mixed in

It’s mostly you, Goshiki, Tendou, and Semi speaking, but in the end, everyone shares a little piece of their life with the group

which is all so weird for everyone on the team, but somehow your presence was the perfect set up for a Group Therapy Sleepover Session™ 

by the end of the night, you’re the one advising and listening to them, which is such a cozy turn of events

like, your heart is full & they’re actively being invested in by your sweet self

several of them (Ushijima, Semi, and Goshiki) fall asleep to the soothing sound of your voice

you just make them so comfortable

and as much as they should be the ones protecting you, you’re the one making them feel safe and put together

honestly, while i’d like to think that Shiratorizawa is always so cool and calm, i think they need hugs and softness too

sure, they’re tough and they get all of that intensity and energy out on the court 

but now that the team knows they have an outlet to get things off their chest and out into the airspace, they don’t want to lose it

and that’s when the bi-monthly, non-volleyball related Shiratorizawa sleepovers become mandatory

it’s pretty much the ultimate mental health booster and it gets wilder every time

so, you indeed get to know the boys well <3

—-

soft team sleepover series

soft karasuno sleepover

soft seijoh sleepover

soft nekoma sleepover

soft fukurodani sleepover (in progress)

—-

tags: @yams046, @cherryonigiri

(comment or send an ask to be added to my general tag list) 

[mysteriouslytransparentwitch]

update in my life

I was very hesitant to write this article because I didn't want to cause people emotional distress.

I must admit that for a little while, I am much better. I really feel like I'm moving slowly but surely.

I started to undertake this path of healing at the age of 27 after a painful disappointment in love. I lost a lot of self-esteem and self-confidence. in short it was horrible, I undertook 6 or 8 months of therapy with a psychologist. I was able to undo some knots in my head.

Around 30 years old I had a lot of questions about my future, I had just failed in my business (still in the manufacture of cosmetic products, even if in the end I really started to sell).

I needed to take stock, I went to Biarritz for a few days

I had started to start energy sessions. The goal is to rebalance the chakras and evacuate certain emotions that weigh on your soul (if I can put it that way).

I felt a beginning of connection with myself, some people came into my life and others left my life.

Then the lockdown came.

I used this time to redo training because I still want to create cosmetic products, I changed jobs as a saleswoman because the conditions were horrible, the manager was cool but not the company, she always apologized in their place.

In short, I changed jobs, the conditions on certain points are really horrible but hey, I started a 2nd training course on European regulations for the manufacture of cosmetic products. I challenged myself to create my own laboratory.

At the same time, the person who gives me my energetic treatment, I tell him about my plans for this decade but I tell him that I still lie emotionally blocked. She advises me another person who is more specialized in energies related to emotions.

I make an appointment with her, bingo, I feel the energies reconnected after 72 hours.

There are several things that I want to put in place this year.

Find me an accommodation just me (I'm on the right track, I plan to put my files in May/June 2022)

I want to do a photo shoot, Catherine's photos touched me a lot

I'm also going to start dating apps, I'm ready. I am aware that there is a lot of grudge on these websites. I'm ready to change my habits.

I hope to complete my professional project before Christmas 2022 (to be ready for the Christmas season)

My ultimate goal is to be fulfilled and create the life I dream of in 2030.

[shades-of-stony]

Post CA:CW Fix It Stony Fanfics

Making Amends by TheseStoriesAreWrittenOnMyHeart

Summary: Everything about them happened in seconds. Their first meeting was quick, with Tony landing next to the Captain, each man giving a curt nod and name in greeting. Their argument on the hellicarrier took mere seconds to escalate. Until Steve was goading Tony into putting on the suit and going a few rounds and Tony not so subtly reminding Steve that he wasn’t afraid to hit an old man. It was only seconds of staring at Tony on that New York City Street, his arc reactor dark, no rise and fall of his chest, for Steve to know that inside the tin can, was a good man. Then Ultron happened, and it took seconds for their world to change, seconds for Steve to throw his shield at Tony and for the billionaire to send a repulsor blast back. They went from laughing and relaxing to standing on an edge thousands of feet above solid ground. And now…now everything’s changed. And all it took was a combination of seconds; of decisions made, actions performed and words spoken that they couldn’t get back. Just a few ticks of the clock for their world to shatter.

It’ll take more than that to make things right.

Note: This one deals with amending the accords. It is about how the avengers pick up after the civil war and how they learn to be friends again. It is an incredibly detailed and well written piece! Also, NO TEAM CAP OR TEAM IRON MAN BASHING. I was only supposed to re-read a few chapters to recall the story and give a few-word review but I ended up re-reading the whole goddamn thing. It’s a masterpiece. 

maybe love is the reason why (we're seeing it eye to eye) by parkrstark

Summary: "I'm sorry. Repeat that again." Tony leaned forward in his seat from across the table. He even stuck a finger in his ear as if he was cleaning it out. "I don't think I heard you right."

Fury rolled his eyes-- or well, eye. "You and Rogers need to go undercover as a married couple in a community out on Long Island."

--

After Civil War, Tony and Steve are sent on an undercover mission as a couple to try and find Hydra informants. Somehow, they end up with Peter as their undercover son who decides to play matchmaker even if the two of them are doing their best to ignore their feelings after Siberia.

Note: My latest Fix It read! It just completed today. This fic is a phenomenal read, with its fake relationship, superfamily, undercover, and sexual tension elements! A definite 1000/10!

and this is the map of my heart by CydSA

Summary: The Avengers are splintered - spread out across the world.

There are many things to regret. The biggest one is what could have been.

Tony refuses to have any more regrets. Steve realizes that perhaps he made the wrong choice.

It starts from here....

Note: Here is some sweet, sweet, Civil War Fix It. It dwells deep into the Accords, how Tony fixes it, and the downfall of Ross. 

floating point exception by ooka

There is something, he knows, to see a man as mortal. To see his fault lines and jagged edges instead of the smooth surface they present. Most people don’t like the illusion, whether it be good or not. They don’t want people like him to be human.

But that’s what he is, under the suit and the smile and the sunglasses. Under the bravo and the quick grins. He’s just a man, trying to hide his broken pieces, the dents in his heart, the washed out color of his soul. He’s just a man, trying to solve problems and make the world better. That’s why he’s Ironman, just a man in a suit. Nothing extra.

The place where the arc reactor used to rest in his chest aches so fiercely for a moment that Tony can’t breathe.

He takes in a few breaths and does what Tony does best - pushes it down and goes to work.

(Tony, after the Civil War. Post CA:CW)

Note: A 150k+ fanfic that is centered on Tony, his issues, and his struggles. PREPARE TO CRY.

Not Enough Scotch for this Matchmaking Scheme by desolateice:

Summary:  After Civil War and a lot of healing the Avengers are fed up with the stubborn silence between Steve and Tony and try to take things in their own hands.

Note: A Fix It where the ‘kids’ play matchmaker to bring their fighting ‘parents’ back together! 

Never Eye To Eye by vorkosigan for mrsgingles

Summary: After the Civli War, the Avengers were back together.

How is everything going, Tony? Pepper had asked in her email. It's fine (Tony had written back). I'm fighting with Steve all the time. Everything is going to hell. I'm okay (you know I'm always okay).

(Or: How Tony and Steve learned to be a bit gentler with each other)

Note: A 26k+ fic where Steve and Tony learned how to be friends again, and more. It deals with the struggles and frustrations they had just to salvage their friendship.  

Fly One More Time (Alternately Titled--The Phoenix) by RavenLost2187

Summary: Steve couldn't see them before.

But then he woke up and there they were.

There's a small problem though.

One of his teammates doesn't have wings like he should.

And that's Tony Stark

Note: Some winged fics anyone? This has a bit of a Team as Family element and not to mention that glorious Civil War fix it theme! 

What it’s worth by masterlokisev159

Summary:  Tony's scent is off. Wanda realizes why.

Note: Here is a Hurt and Comfort fic for you with a dash ABO elements in it! 

Sunrise Over the End of the World by Sapphic_Futurist

Summary: When Dr. Strange arrives at an Accords Committee Meeting and warns of the coming of an alien megalomaniac set on destroying the world, the Rogues are pardoned and Tony finds himself exactly where he never wanted to be. Back at the Compound with Steve, who still can't take a hint and won't leave him alone.

--

In which Tony is broken and Steve finds redemption.

Note: A Bad case of Tony acting like nothing happened and doing his goddamn best to avoid Steve. It’ll work all out in the end. Well, it will get worst first before that though.. 

We stand together (or not at all) by Jana_C

Summary:  It’s so easy to hate this man, so painfully easy. He’s the embodiment of rich, white male privilege. He’s irritatingly arrogant, and he doesn’t always think before acting, and even when he does, he manages to twist his logic around and shape it into something that will always benefit him, and yet, here he is, building the guy who killed his parents an arm, without having been asked; working his way through diplomacy and politics, even though he hates it with every fiber of his being, just so he can correct the mistakes all of them made. She watches him go and sighs, small and tired, before texting a single line to Steve. Get ready to come home.

Note: Anyone up for some Tony Whump and Appreciation fanfic? 

You Don’t Only Get One Shot by janonny

Summary: In which Tony voluntarily carries a tracker around, and learns how to talk to Steve all over again in-between and during kidnapping attempts.

“Leave you alone for two months, and you have an operation all set up to track wayward Hydra cells and rescue innocent billionaires,” Tony said, his tone skating the line of annoyance and admiration.

Note: a dose of Stalkerish!Steve (but not in an entirely creepy way because he just wants to keep Tony safe dammit). 

You've Got A Sister Now by ZaraMelMercury

Summary: It's been a year since the events of the Avengers' Civil War. Tony Stark is trying to pick up the pieces of his life, while juggling his work, his remaining friendships, getting therapy sessions for Rhodey and dealing with government politics, as well as the Accords.

It is a bit rough, but he's got Pepper (always a steady rock by his side), Rhodey, Happy and the Kid- Peter Parker. Tony would never admit to it up front and center, but you could always catch a proud look on the man's face whenever the young Spiderling was mentioned!

Life seemed to be looking up...

Except for one, minor detail:

Steve Rogers.

The hope for one reconciliation, surprisingly, led to another!

A new bond that would form that Tony would ultimately always be thankful for.

"Oh, I wanna take it back!... " "No, no, no, you can't retract it!"

Who would've thought it?

Tony Stark has a sister looking out for him, after all.

Note: Here are some Tony and Nat friendship for you! This one isn’t exactly a solid fix it but one with a more of hopeful ending. 

The Bro Code by Sullen

Summary: In a world where the Winter Soldier is found years earlier and is named Tony’s godfather, Zemo plays a different R-rated video and Siberia goes a little differently.Or –Steve breaks the bro code.

Note: This is just too cute and wholesome not to include. 

WIP

Used to be Mine by Fangirlingmanaged

Tony can't even recognize himself nowadays.

Note: This one certainly deserves a place at the heavy angst category because that’s what it is. HEAVY ANGST AND HEARTBREAK.

[whumpitisthen]

Récamier

Masterlist

First drabble! This was made as a way to torture my friend who has a slightly unhealthy obsession with vampires. That’s why it’s in first person, I usually write in the third! Anyways, hope you like it. :) 

"So..." - He began. He sounded soft and patient. - "You told me last week you've been having nightmares, ones you’ve never had before."

"Oh, did i tell you about that as well?" You reply, having genuinely forgotten that you told him about those.

"Yes, you have. Has your memory been getting worse as well?" He sounds almost concerned, a look of empathy in his eyes.

"Oh, no, no, I think it's pretty much the same as it always has been...?" It came out as a shaky reply, not confident in your own answer either.  

"You don't sound too sure of that, Darling.” He says, a mocking smile playing on his lips as he notices the reaction the pet name has brought out of you. It wasn't anything big, just a small widening of the eyes and setting of your jaw, but he noticed nevertheless. He seems to really pay attention to you, in a way no-one else has, in a way no-one should.

"Uhmm... I think that's not something to worry about. I just forgot, that's all.” You add with a reassuring smile, ignoring the one that he wore still, though now it's starting to morph into a different one. Looks a little smaller, tight-lipped, overly kind.

He seems to disregard your answer entirely, instead, he pulls himself up a little straighter. He takes a deep breath, momentarily closing his eyes, which allows you just a moment to take a good look at him.

You never told him but you do feel kind of intimidated by him. You know you shouldn't be. After all, he's your therapist. You should feel comfortable and relaxed, like you're just having a nice chat with a trusted friend.

But something about him seems... he just seems-, off, sometimes. You yourself are not even sure what the reason for that is. Maybe it's the relaxed way he keeps pulling his finger up and down on the arm of the chair. Maybe its the slight asymmetrical pull of the corners of his mouth, how on the left side it always pulls a little higher when he smiles. Maybe its the way he looks, distinctly paler than you, almost slickly, so much so, that you had to often stop yourself from asking him "Are you okay?". Maybe... Its the way his eyes seem to change colour, with the different lighting. You have noticed all these things about him in the month you've been coming here. Twice a week. He insisted on two times, even though you said you didn't think you needed it. In the end you decided to give in, he was the therapist after all. He knew what you needed.

"You're zoning out again, Darling. Do you perhaps need a break?"

There it is again. That pet name.

He hasn't called you that before. Or has he?

Maybe your memory really has been getting worse.

"Oh, u-uhm, sorry! No, it's fine we can keep going if you'd like." He seems to believe you, as he changes his position, crossing his legs and leaning his chin on one hand, as if getting ready for a story.

"So, you said something about bad nightmares you've been getting at the end of our last session. I'd like to ask you: Have they gotten any worse?"

You still don't remember actually telling him about them and honestly it’s starting to really bother you. You always have your guard up as it is, trust issues and all that, part of why you’re here, talking with your therapist. But for the life of you, you just cannot remember when you told him about those. Because you surely have. You have. He wouldn’t know otherwise! This is stupid.

"Ah, um. I guess... I-I don't know. I feel like they leave me more... tired? Than before. And I seem to get more exhausted as the days go on. I'm afraid I'll start falling asleep at my job if this keeps up."

He hums. Writes something on his clipboard. "Do you still see that shadow person that keeps following you?"

You don't remember telling him that either. No, shut up, you did because he knows, and the only way he would is if you told him.

He seems to notice your hesitation.

"I'm sorry, would you like to not talk about this for now? We can discuss something else."

His voice feels like it's background noise. Like waking up to birds chirping. They're loud and did wake you up, but you don't mind being woken up by birds singing under your window. It's a welcome way of attention.

It calms you. It relaxes you.

It makes you feel... tired.

"We can discuss the way you've been fidgeting a little more today than other times, I have noticed. Or how you keep stuttering so much. I can see something is bothering you. Can you tell me what it is, Love?"

A different pet name, but a pet name nonetheless.

You don't remember him calling you that before.

You don't remember.

You.

Dont-

"How do you know?"

You blurt out without thought.

You immediately regret it, but ultimately decide to keep the question in the air.

Because you cannot explain away the feeling of anxiety at every mention of those dreams, or pet names, or, or- ...you. It feels wrong, in this moment, to talk about you. It sounds dumb, these are your therapy sessions after all. It feels wrong though. Different. Like this isn’t how it was supposed to go. How else could it have gone?

"Excuse me?" He looks genuinely surprised. You think he might've missed the question, with how fast you blurted it out.

Before you could ask again, or rather apologize for the weird as fuck question, he continues. "How do I know... About what? About...” - He seems lost in thought, thinking about what it might be that you're referring to. His eyes land on his clipboard and stay there for a while, drifting over it. - “...about ...your dreams, perhaps?" He finishes slowly, as if unsure.

"Yes, uh... I... I don't remember t-telling about them... to... you?" You hate yourself for sounding like a scared child. You especially hate that your voice cracks in the middle of it, and you see his eyes widen, just a little, at that.

God, could you be more embarrassing?

"I told you, Dear.” - Another. -”You told me about them last week, didn't you?"

"I-I-I..., um..."

You're unsure of what to say

"I-, ...don't remember." You take a shaky breath, trying to stay calm. You notice the slight tremble of your hands.

"...You seem troubled. Are you quite sure you're alright, Darling?” - He gives a reassuring smile, encouraging you to be confident and tell him if you're not. - “Perhaps, you feel... Hm." He stands up leaving the clipboard on his table. He walks over, as slowly and non-threataningly as he can, putting the back of his hand on your forehead.

"Hm... You don't seem sick. Sweetheart,”- Again. - “maybe we should talk about those dreams. They seem to leave you confused and disoriented."

"Stop."

"Hm?"

"Get off me."

You lean back, away from his hand, and sit up to catch your breath.

He seems perplexed. His hand falls back in place as he gets lost in thought again, looking at you. Expectant. Quiet.

"Am... Am I making you uncomfortable, Dear-"

"Stop!"

"Stop what?"

"Stop calling me 'darling' and 'sweetheart' and 'love' and 'dear' and-, and... Stop looking at m-me."

He seems to freeze for a second. You're not sure what caused him to do that, but he seems... apathetic. Emotionless. Like he's not there, for just a moment.

He blinks once, swallows, and some resemblance of humanity comes back to him.

"I-... I am making you uncomfortable, is that it." It was more of a statement than a question. "Hm. So you say you don't remember." His eyes wander again. In the end, they come back, and change colour, and you feel like he's 100 metres tall while you're barely an inch.

The lighting didn't change, but his eyes noticeably did. You feel, with every second, more and more anxious, as the eyes keep looking at you, into you, and keep you in place.

Literally.

You cannot move.

You're trying.

The most you can do is flick your eyes betweeen his.

He comes closer now. His hand finds your forehead again, but this time to put a lost lock behind your ear.

He doesn't say anything, simply looks at you. All of you. While you're forced to keep eye contact, his are roaming over the whole of you, taking in every inch, every crevice, every nook and cranny.

As his eyes move the humanity seems to disappear once more and the hand returns to rest on your cheek, then slide down your neck.

As the pressure builds his other hand comes into view, positioning itself on your arm, effectively turning and pushing you down, back how you were before you realised his secret. Because you did, didn't you? You couldn't have just kept playing this little game of pretend between you two. You had to be smart and figure it out.

As you are shoved down back on the récamier, your thoughts are running a million miles an hour. You are panicking and scared and angry but mostly you just wanna run home, curl up under your covers and cry.

The feeling of having forgotten so much makes you wanna break down right there, but even that is denied of you as your "therapist" looms over you, shadowing your face. In the dark, his eyes, that scarlet hue, is so much more noticeable and unsettling.

How do his eyes go from such a pretty black to that mesmerising crimson? That cannot be human.

He leans down, close, close, right over you, so close you cannot see anything anymore but his eyes, boring endlessly into yours.

"Do you know when our last appointment was?"

You think and you feel like you know but you can't actually name the day, date or even time. Not that you could anwser him, not like this.

"Do you feel as if your mind has been working more different than before?"

"Do you feel unsafe, Angel?"

He leans closer, lips grazing your ear as he whispers, even quiter, like a deadly secret.

"Why did you have to ruin our fun, Angel? Wasn't it nice? Pretending? Playing? Why did you have to ruin that, huh, Sweetheart?"

As his voice starts to shake, a little in anger, a little unhinged, a little dangerous, you start trembling through his paralysing gaze.

You still don't remember anything. Not when the last appointment was, not when you told him about the dreams, not when you got here, not where you live, not who he is, not when your own birthday is, not your own name, only Angel, Angel, Angel...

"Does the shadow person ever... touch you? Has he ever talked to you? What did he say? Can you recall? What was it, hm? Tell me Love."

You don't want to. You don't want to you don't want to-

"A-A-Angel..."

"Yes, Love, keep going."

He was suffocating you

His sheer presence.

"A-a... Ang-gel, can y-y-you... can, you-..."

"That's it, keep going, you're doing great, Dear."

"Ange-el, can, can you-u-... can you c-...can y-you come see me-e...?"

"Mhm. There we go. There's a dear."

You feel violated. You feel him climbing on top of you, his weight effortlessly pinning you down even more, as he leans closer. You feel utterly completely absolutely terrifyingly helpless.

"See? In the end, you did remember!" He seems to sound different. He sounds like he's holding something back. Like there's a dam that's about to break and let the water envelop an entire city underwater. Like he's about to swallow you whole.

"Too late now, though. Shame. I was having fun with you. Too bad it had to end so soon. Now, maybe if you look desperate enough, we could do it again sometime? Wouldn't that be fun?"

"Now keep still for me, Angel, this might hurt just a bit. I feel it's only fair i make you pay for wasting my time like that."

[hellomynameisbisexual]

Most people know to anticipate some degree of change when they’re in a committed, long-term romantic relationship: a desire for more nights in with Netflix instead of drunken ragers on the dance floor; the inevitable shift of physical appearances; the unexpected transformation of a side gig into a career. But many people assume sexual orientation is fairly stable—that whether you’re gay or straight, you’re “born this way,” and that’s what you’ll be forever.

That definitely isn’t always the case. But even though coming out as queer or bisexual in a committed straight relationship isn’t unheard of, a change in sexual identity is not something that many people anticipate happening within a long-term partnership, nor is it widely discussed. Despite the advancements in broader social understanding of LGBTQ issues made in the past decade, therapists Jared Anderson and Tamala Poljak told VICE that many of their patients fear that being bi or queer when straight-partnered could doom their relationship. There’s also a pervasive idea that a person in a hetero relationship can’t be LGBTQ because they have chosen to commit, and are presumably attracted to, a member of the opposite sex. But bisexuality is a valid orientation, and while it may feel intimidating to embrace this discovery and stay hetero-partnered, it’s by no means impossible.

“I believe both gender and sexuality [are] fluid, meaning we change throughout a lifespan,” Poljak said, adding that recent cultural shifts have likely led to light bulb moments for some individuals who has been denying or simply not recognizing their queer feelings.

Sexuality doula Isabella Frappier, whose work includes helping clients own and define their sexual expression, said that a person doesn’t need to have acted on any same-sex-attracted feelings in order to label themselves as queer or bisexual, and that bisexuality can be explored while still honoring an extant relationship, especially since everyone has different definitions of what it means to explore.

Bisexuality is often dismissed as a phase, and the idea that bisexual people are "just confused" persists. This is especially true for men; while bisexuality among women is slightly more socially acceptable (albeit because it’s fetishized and often viewed as an "experiment"), men often have to contend with the belief that bisexuality, as Carrie once put it on Sex and the City, is “a pit stop on the way to gay town.”

These myths stem from our society’s historically rigid approach to sexual expression. Experts are adamant that a person's bisexuality does not invalidate the love they have for their opposite-sex partner. According to Poljak, an associate marriage and family therapist, the idea that a person needs to “pick a side” is a rooted in heteronormative expectations.

The question, “Am I queer or bi enough?” can also weigh heavily on people who think they might not be all the way straight, as though there is a certain amount of "proof" that could confirm their sexuality. As much as those questioning might like to think there’s a litmus test that will tell them whether or not they’re truly bi, that’s simply not the case.

“For queer folks, it just isn’t so cut and dry,” Poljak said. “The hope to ‘figure it out’ and/or find ‘an answer’ is a pretty rigid idea steeped in heteronormative expectations. It also puts a lot of pressure on a person to have to declare one thing and stick to it. If you know you are attracted to one or more genders, then it’s really that simple.”

A journey into one’s queerness doesn’t have to involve sex outside of the relationship, or even sex in general. Just noticing that you’re attracted to other genders can be the extent of this exploration. The act of coming out to yourself, or maybe saying, “I’m bi. I don’t know what that looks like yet, and that’s OK,” has the potential to be extremely affirming.

You might find comfort in connecting with other queer folks, especially since identifying as queer might otherwise make you feel vulnerable or isolated. Some people are validated by coming out to friends and family, or by getting involved with the queer community. Frappier encouraged people exploring their bi/queer identity to go to LGBTQ events, read books about sexuality or written by queer authors, support bisexual artists and musicians, or join queer groups. Online, Reddit’s r/bisexual subreddit is a funny and informative space for bi folks to ask questions or simply discuss their experiences, while the Fluid Arizona resource page and Autostraddle's events and meet-ups can help queer folks build an IRL community.

If you decide you want to connect more physically with your queer sexual desires, but aren’t sure where to begin, start small. “I’d first encourage a person in this situation to start by considering the multiple ways they can explore their queerness on their own,” Frappier said. “That can be through watching ethical same-sex porn, or writing your own erotica.”

Experts strongly encouraged discussing your queerness with your partner eventually, as the secrecy can ultimately strain the relationship. (It can also contribute to the harmful idea that your queerness is somehow scandalous, or something to be ashamed of.) If you’re worried that your partner will react poorly, or you aren’t ready to share your feelings with them yet, consider talking to a professional, a trusted friend or loved one, or a queer friend who may relate a bit to what you are going through. Poljak, who is trained as an LGBTQ-affirmative therapist, said it’s crucial for people questioning their sexuality to have a solid support system. Studies show that bisexual people are at a higher risk of depression, anxiety, and experiencing violence than their gay, lesbian, and heterosexual counterparts. While staying in the closet can be a necessary choice for a myriad of reasons, research shows that the stress of concealment contributes to disrupted relationships, feelings of shame and guilt, and symptoms of anxiety and depression.

If you feel ready to talk with your significant other, avoid starting the conversation when either of you are tired or distracted, in the middle of a fight, or in any situation where tensions are high. Instead, choose a time when you both feel relaxed and won’t be rushed, like over coffee on a Saturday morning.

You don’t have to have everything figured out before you talk to your partner. Frappier said that it’s perfectly fine to tell them you’re in a questioning, exploratory phase, and then communicate what you’d like that to look like. There’s no need to choose a label unless you’d like to.

“Explain to [your partner] how you’ve been feeling, what you’re desiring to explore, and how you imagine that could look within your relationship,” Frappier said. She advised that it’s wise to let your partner know that your sexual expression is not a reflection of the relationship, but more about exploring a new part of yourself.

“Once you’re finished speaking, it’s important to give them space to share, and to really listen to how they are feeling,” Frappier said. “They may take it in stride, or need a little time to process it.”

Don’t stress if the first conversation doesn’t go as well as you’d hoped; this will likely be the first of many discussions. Anderson, who specializes in trauma and relationships, said that if any of these conversations get heated or overly emotional, it’s a good idea to press pause and revisit the topic once both partners have had a chance to cool off.

Couples therapy can also be extremely beneficial. “Ideally, both the person coming out and the partner of that person would be in individual therapy with a therapist who is trained in LGBTQ-affirmative therapy,” Poljak said. “The same is true if [you're] deciding to open your marriage, explore polyamory or emotional monogamy, and/or redefine your marital contract. The therapist needs to have more than just general knowledge of alternative, queer lifestyles, and understand the multiple systems at play.”

Psychology Today is the most thorough national network for finding mental health professionals, and allows users to search using various classifications, including sexuality and type of therapy (the “compassion-based” and “culturally sensitive” filters are good options for LGTBQ folks). Some health insurance plans allow users to filter for therapists who specialize in LGBTQ issues when searching for in-network providers. For POC-specific options, the National Queer and and Trans Therapists of Color Network is a good resource. For those struggling to find an in-person therapist, Pride Counseling offers digital therapy sessions via phone, messaging, and video call.

After your initial conversations and once you've sought any additional support you might find helpful, you and your partner may want to formulate an action plan. If you want to include your partner in your sexual exploration (and they are comfortable with that), the plan might include attending queer events, watching queer porn together, role-playing, engaging in threesomes, and/or swinging. If you’d prefer to explore your sexuality without your partner, but with other people, you may need to discuss opening up your relationship.

“Some folks find it exciting or even sexy, and perhaps a discussion unfolds about opening up the marriage or exploring poly or engaging in new kinds of play and fantasy with their partners,” Poljak said. “Maybe it even inspires their partner to share with honesty some queerness of their own that is emerging. Ideally, there is space for people’s differences and otherness to be expressed without having to lose the relationship, or having to abandon or sacrifice yourself.”

This sort of exploration is not one-size-fits-all. Regardless of the route you take, Frappier stresses the importance of discussing boundaries and safety throughout. If the two of you are struggling to find some sort of consensus when it comes to boundaries, that doesn’t mean the discussion regarding exploration is over forever. It’s very common for couples to have multiple conversations surrounding this topic, especially if one partner is asking to renegotiate the marital contract in some way.

Just as it’s reasonable for a person to want to explore their burgeoning sexuality outside of the relationship, it’s also reasonable for the other partner to say, “I’m not cool with that.” In some instances, it might be in the interest of both individuals to go their separate ways… and that’s OK, too.

“A marriage is a partnership that lasts as long as it’s right,” writer Nadia Rawls said after coming out to, and, later, ending things with her now–ex-husband. Rawls said she tried to make it work with her husband for six months, but ultimately realized that separating was the best option. “It takes a hell of a partner to help their spouse grow into the person they really are,” Rawls wrote. “Even if that means losing them.”

Rawls’s story is just one of many—Frappier and Poljak said that many couples make it work, too. It’s hard to predict how your partner might react, or how you’ll feel or what you’ll want, once you start exploring your queerness or bisexuality. That uncertainty is part of what makes the process of coming out in a straight relationship so intimidating. But the reward of being honest—both with yourself and with your partner—is the gift of a more authentic life. Regardless of the outcome, that is worth pursuing.