#I’m sick and tired of being beaten to hell by students

[bravenew-what]

I’m taking a different position at my school next year. That’s final now.

[elzemayne]

Sick

Pairing: Bakugou x Reader

Genre: Fluff

Warning: None

Word Count: 1071

.・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。.

“You look like shit.”

You glanced over at Bakugou from where your desk and gave a small sniffle in reply with a frown.

“That was mean,” you stated, feigning sadness at the blonde. He merely scowled you as he took a seat beside you.

“I’m serious. If you’re so sick, why the hell are you here?” he asked, gruffly, pulling out his textbook. You massaged your temples lightly before sitting up a bit in your seat.

“Aw, are you concerned for my well-being?” you asked, dramatically placing a hand over your heart and smiling lightly back at him. You watched his eyebrows furrow as his ruby eyes narrowed to glare at you.

“No, dumbass, I just don’t wanna get sick with whatever you have,” he spat back. You bit back a smile at the friendly banter between the two of you and turned closer to him.

“Are you admitting your weak enough to catch a cold?” you said, wiggling your finger at him in a teasing manner.

Bakugou’s frown quickly gave way to a smirk and you knew at once that you had messed up. His smug cadence made your heart skip a beat, and if your cheeks weren’t warm from the fever a moment ago, you were sure that they were warm now.

“I don’t know, dumbass, are you admitting you have a cold?” he said, with a know-it-all look.

Your smile vanished and in its place was a pout. He had beaten you at your own game. You crossed your arms across your chest and slumped back into your seat.

“Shut up,” you mumbled, turning back around to the front of the class where Aizawa was now getting ready to teach.

You could feel Bakugou’s eyes still on you as you tried to concentrate on class. It wasn’t easy with the pounding in your head and your constant sniffling, but eventually the bell rang and you were grateful to have a break. Glancing down at your notes, you bit your lip in frustration.

The reason you had pulled yourself out of bed to class that morning was because exams were coming up and you were beyond nervous for them. You didn’t want to miss a thing, and if that meant bearing through the pain, then that’s what you would do. You were a UA student after all.

Isn’t that what it meant to go Plus-Ultra?

As your classmates began to file out of the room for lunch, you gripped the side of your desk to pull yourself up, sighing deeply at the pain in your head.

“Y/N-chan, are you coming with us for lunch?” Mina asked, bouncing over to your desk. You gave her a small, tired smile and shook your head.

“No, but thank you. I’m gonna go back to the dorms and study for a little bit. These exams are gonna kick my ass for sure,” you said, chuckling lightly. She frowned at you, but nodded in understanding. You waved her off, along with Denki and Kirishima before making your way to the dorms.

“Hey idiot, you forgot this.”

You jumped at the sudden voice behind you only to find Bakugou standing there with your class notebook in his hands. Your eyes flickered between your book bag and the notebook before you hung your head in shame.

“Ah, sorry about that…guess I left it in the classroom,” you admitted, slowly. You reached out for the book but to your surprise, Bakugou only pulled it farther away.

“You shouldn’t skip meals, dumbass, that’s probably why you’re so sick in the first place,” Bakugou berated, holding the book in his hands. You listened to his words and noted how accurate they were as you flitted your eyes away from him, unable to hold his gaze.

“Shut up, that’s not - ” you trailed off, but Bakugou continued.

“If you’re so worried about exams then you should take care of yourself first. Eat food. Get some sleep. Just cramming this shit in your brain all day isn’t gonna help,” he explained. His voice was sharp in an almost crude tone, but his words were genuine.

That only made you even more confused…and frustrated.

You knew what you were supposed to do, but it wasn’t that easy. There was pressure and stress and too many outside factors to even begin to mention.

“I know! I try! But I just feel so stressed out all the time and I never feel hungry anymore! And in the time it takes me to cook, I could read another chapter, or study more or – ”

This time you cut yourself off as you felt your throat began to close off and become dry; a telltale sign that if you kept talking and being frustrated, you were going to start crying. You didn’t want to have this conversation with anyone, let alone the boy you had feelings for.

Bakugou was standing in front of you, his gaze piercing your own as he waited for you to continue. When you turned away from him, he let out a small sigh and held out your text book to you.

“I know it’s not easy, dumbass. If it was, then everyone would do it,” he stated, more calmly than you had ever heard him speak before. You looked back at him with surprise and when your eyes met, it was his turn to look away as he continued to speak. “And knock it off with the self-loathing crap. You were smart enough to get into this school right? And your definitely smarter than shitty-hair and dunce face so you’ll be fine.”

Your heart was beating fast in your chest as you realized what the Katsuki Bakugou was doing.

He was encouraging you.

You had never expected someone like him to say such encouraging words to you, even if he had called you a dumbass. You avoided his gaze once more, this time due to the embarrassment of feeling your face flush once more, so you were surprised when he walked past you with his hands behind his neck.

“Come on, idiot. It’s lunch time, we can study later,” he called out, his back to you as he walked back to the cafeteria. You glanced down at the book in your hand that he had gone out of his way to return and let a small smile float to your face.

You felt your stomach growl and gave up on studying, hurrying to catch up with Bakugou before he out-paced you.

[mangekyuou]

                                             IRIS ━ﾞ

⁺◟   CHARACTERS . . .           caesar zeppeli           fem!reader           mentions of lisa lisa ‘ joseph

⁺◟   GENRE . . .           angst           fluff           oneshot

⁺◟   SYNOPSIS . . .           the cold hamon user, ( y/n ),           with the dull, sad eyes has           caught the attention of caesar           who wants to know her true           story.

⁺◟   CONTENT WARNINGS . . .           mentions of bruises ‘ scars ‘           violence ‘ dictatorship ‘ public           humiliation ‘ beatings ‘ etc.

⁺◟   WORD COUNT . . .           1.6k.

⁺◟   COMMENTARY . . .           kind of rushed but i actually           like the way this one turned           out.

A pair of peridot-colored eyes had peered into a slightly open door down a dark, cold hallway. The owner of gemstone eyes was a tall, broad-shouldered Italian with a head of light blonde hair. 

He peered into the room through the slightly opened door, seeing a rather empty room. He knew this room. It belonged to another Hamon user who was training here on Air Supplena, the only other Hamon user besides himself as well as Joseph.

This room belonged to ( y/n ). The cold Hamon user didn’t mutter more than one sentence to anyone before excusing herself and go back to her training. All she had ever done was train. From the minute she woke up, from the minute she slept with very small breaks in between. Even if she wasn’t Hamon training, she would be doing some sort of training that had helped benefit her.

Upon first meeting, ( y/n ) quickly brushed them off, before wishing the newbies good luck on Hell Climb Pillar, to which she fairly enjoyed watching the two men struggle despite the blank look on her face that she held.

Despite her cold front, she had walked over to the tired Caesar, after he had finally reached the top of the pillar, offering him her hand. And that is when he looked into her eyes.

Behind those ( e/c ) eyes were a story, a dark story, that she tried to lock away but he could see. He could see the pain in them. He could see the sadness, the hurt, the anguish. Despite her irises being dull, he knew that there once was life in them, just like own.

And that was the first and last time he had looked into her eyes, mostly because she had been avoiding him. He felt he had done something wrong and it didn’t sit well with him, especially not when she was already so cold, only to become even colder just toward him.

Had he upset her but glancing into her eyes and trying to find their story? Had he overstepped his boundaries as his peridot eyes sparkled into her dull ( e/c ) ones? 

What was wrong and why couldn’t she just tell him?

Noticing the blonde’s frustration, Lisa Lisa had told her student that ( y/n ) had a past that she didn’t wish to share, that turned her into the cold person she had become.

Caesar had asked her teacher what her past was to which Lisa Lisa had responded, “That is ( y/n )’s story to tell.”

Now here he stood in front of her door, hoping to find the right answers he was looking for, but he had come across her empty room instead. Training, he thought to himself, opening the door further.

He knew it was wrong to rummage through a woman’s belongings, especially when she’s not there, but his own curiosity got the best of him. He had to know what she was truly hiding. 

He searched her drawers, nothing but clothes. He searched her bed, nothing but soft fabrics, including soft for where they had been. He searched her bags, not a damn thing. 

There was something he was missing. Something that he wasn’t seeing. There just had to be something, he wasn’t going to leave until he found it.

That was until the door closed behind him, making him tense as his eyes widened. 

“I’ll give you...two minutes...a minute to explain why you’re in my room, going through my things before I pummel like the vile man you are,” She threatened, his voice laced with anger.

Caesar gulped as he turned around, instead of his eyes finding hers, they had found her bruised torso. New and old scars and bruises had come into sight, many of them too big to be self-inflicted. There was no way one person could hurt themselves like that. He could even make out lash marks wrapped around sides that were exposed because of her crop top. Her arms were wrapped in bandages, may be hiding even more bruises that kissed her body.

“( y/n )..you...”

“If you’re going to talk about my scars, leave! I don’t need this right now!”

He struck a nerve. She showed...emotion. She wasn’t just a blank slate with a past so traumatic, it made her emotionally unavailable. She...she was still there. A woman with emotions, feelings, tears...love. It was all still there, just bottled up because of her own fear. 

“I had no right to be in your room and I know that there is no excuse I can come up with that will make it alright. But...Lisa Lisa told me that, you had a past that you didn’t share that turned you into the person you are today,” Caesar hesitated, “I just wanted to know if that was true.”

A tense silence quickly filled the air, as she folded her bandaged arms across her chest, unable to even look at Caesar. He opened his mouth to speak but was interrupted by her, “Under my bed. Look under my bed.”

Not wasting a second, he had did what she told him, searching under her bed, finding an old, faded wooden picture frame. Instead of the frame, was a ruined picture that had been weathered over some time now. He could make out a few faces, including one who looked a bit similar to ( y/n ).

“That’s my family in that picture. Or that was my family.”

“Your family...are they...?” Caesar trailed off.

“Dead?” ( y/n ) questioned, shrugging her shoulders as she leaned against the wall, “Not sure. Haven’t heard from them since I escaped with some others. They...they didn’t want to come with. They succumbed that scum rather than fighting for what they believed in! And I couldn’t stand for it, I wouldn’t stand for it! They struck us down and beat us like animals, all because we refused to lie down and obedient! I was...I was tired of being obedient like a fucking dog! I was on the brink of death before I could discover my Hamon powers and what I could do with them. They weren’t going to rest until they killed me, so I decided it was either run away or die there. And I ran...like a coward.”

“A coward?” Caesar repeated, making ( y/n ) looked down at him. His usually seen sincere peridot eyes were now filled with a mixture of sadness and rage. He climbed back up to his feet, “You? A coward? Absolutely not. ( y/n ), you stood up for what you believed in! You fought back! A coward wouldn’t fight back.”

“But a coward would leave behind their own family in a country that’s being taken over. And...and that’s what I did.”

The first tear from her eye had fallen, as she lowered her head in shame, she continued, “I left my family somewhere they aren’t safe. They could already be dead because of me and I wouldn’t know it. I kept scars, bruises, the humiliation I felt from being beaten in front of crowds and crowds of soldiers who hated my kind! I kept those sick laughs of those soldiers who...who...who...” She had broken into a loud sob, the blonde wrapped his strong arms tightly around her, pulling her into his chest.

A hug. Something she hadn’t gotten since this all had happened. Something she craved, something she needed. She returned his embrace, sobbing into his clothed chest, inhaling his unique scent as all of those suppressed memories finally came back to haunt her again.

Caesar rubbed gentle circles into her back, knowing the best thing for her was to cry. She needed to. She spent all this time pretending to be cold, pretending that she was okay. She needed a moment to just cry, just like anyone else did.

After what felt like five minutes, he heard her sniffle. She, still in his warm chest, sighed, “You probably think I’m not so tough now.”

“Are you kidding? If anything, you’re way tougher than I thought you were! You finished Hell Climb Pillar in 24 hours, you were already amazing. But, now knowing this, I know that you aren’t just strong physically but mentally as well. It must take a toll on you having to live with those memories every day of your life until the day you lay in your grave. I couldn’t even imagine it,” He mentioned.

( y/n ) picked her head up, looking into Caesar’s eyes. In those dull eyes was a sparkle. It was small but it was there. Even if her eyes were red and puffy from crying, they still shined like a star.

“Your eyes tell your story. I know it’s hard to open up all the way and I don’t expect you to. But I can see it in your eyes that you’re hurting beyond belief. And one day, I hope that...your eyes will no longer be sad but full of joy and hopefulness.”

She chuckled lightly, “I had heard you were quite a ladies’ man from Lisa Lisa, but I didn’t think you were this good.”

“No, I...s-sorry, I didn’t mean to―!” He stuttered out, being interrupted as ( y/n ) captured his plump lips in a soft kiss. Immediately, he melted into her kiss as he squeezed a bit tighter around her waist. 

As their lips disconnected, she rested her forehead on his, “I was just messing with you. Thank you for your words, they really mean a lot. No one has ever said those things to me before. It’s like you really care about me.”

“That is because I do really care. When I first looked into your eyes when you helped me stand up after reaching the top of Hell Climb Pillar, I wanted to know who you truly were and not who you were trying to be,” He confessed, making her grin a bit.

“You can just say I’m not that good of an actress.”

“Fine, you’re not that good of an actress, but a nice kisser.”

⁺◟   BACK TO NAVIGATION . . .

[fangirlbase]

The Howl of the Moon - Remus Lupin

Summary:

After a terrible accident in the battle at the Ministry in 1995, Hermione Granger wins a one-way ticket to the past. Unable to go back to his time, his only chance for survival is to adapt to the late 70s and get on with his life, interfering as little as possible so that the future does not fall apart.

However, everything goes downhill when Remus John Lupine starts to notice too much the new girl who clearly wanted to go unnoticed by Hogwarts.

Chapters: Prolog | One | Two | Three | Four | Five | Six | Seven

Warnings: mature

                                          6.  The one of the full moon

Three weeks had passed since the last weekend in Hogsmeade, three different moon phases, which indicated that the full moon had finally arrived. Although it would not appear until Wednesday, already by Friday Remus was completely agitated. At first he could not stand still or concentrate on anything at all. At the second, he had bursts of energy at inopportune moments - as well as that time when the fat woman had to open the passage at four in the morning so that he could run in peace to see if he could discharge all that accumulated energy and, above all, the frustration of not having settled with Jean yet. More than the effects of the moon what kept him from getting a good night's sleep was how everything had fallen apart between him and the witch. Since he couldn't stay still in bed, going around the black lake at least fifteen times and climbing the stairs twice without getting tired seemed like a good idea, even if carrying James' invisibility cloak made the whole exercise more complicated.

However, none of this helped him to relax and worse, it only made him reflect how cowardly he was being by not being able to talk to the girl he saw almost every day because she was a classmate and workmate! He had said that they needed to work it out, but he was running away from her and in those three weeks it was the first time that the boy found himself grateful for not being from the same year as the brunette and so they didn't share classes ... But the monitoring had become a real torture simply because the two treated each other as complete strangers, only discussed issues that had to do with the classes and doubts of the students ... Not to mention that all this strangeness between the two consequently made Jean approach Snape, which only infuriated Remus more and more, even without him understanding why she was friends with the slytherin bothered him at that point. .. Of course he had already pointed out his reasons to worry, especially regarding the witch's safety, but the level of anger he felt when he saw the girl with that snotty guy was not proportional and even Lupin knew it, but being so close to the full moon he justified his terrible behavior as one more of the effects of being a werewolf.

 Speaking of the moon's effects on the boy, it wasn't the restlessness, the anxiety, or even the anger that bothered him, but what came after that, the phase that bothered him the most: erections that were more spontaneous than usual, along with an immense desire for sex. Since he didn't have a girlfriend and didn't even allow himself to be with someone, there was only one way to alleviate this situation - and no, ignoring was not an option. He had tried this a few times since he had started puberty at thirteen, and it had not worked. His outbursts were getting heavier, along with the more violent transformations than usual. He didn't consider himself a sex maniac, but the situation was very uncomfortable during the proximity of the moon. I mean, only before and after, but during the moon he didn't complain at all, after all, let's face it, he was a human being and had his desires.

Those days before the full moon were not very different from the previous months. Although the moon was only the next day, his body was already showing signs of exhaustion from fighting the wolf's energy blasts, but that didn't mean he wasn't ready for another one. Locked in the male cabin of the dormitory, Remus played himself almost angrily, wishing it would all be over soon so he could sleep in peace. His movements were quick and hard, rubbing his member without any shame - just holding back his vocalization. It was enough that he felt like a wanker, he didn't need others to call him that. He didn't usually think about much while touching himself, since it wasn't his rational side that was turned on, so he didn't even worry about it much, but that time.... Oh, that time....

Remus knew he was close, speeding up his movements when a vision filled his mind: long, voluminous brown hair, along with a charming smile, grinning at him. The table-splitting during the monitoring, their thighs together, her leaning her head on his shoulder, him holding her hands in front of the Fighting Willow... Without him realizing it, Remus had drastically slowed his movements to a slow pace, just enjoying the occasional memories of the times they had touched each other, smiling with the pleasure he felt. But then the projected image of the licking Moony had proposed the day after his birthday appeared, and along with it the most pornographic scenes between the two of them together. Jean sitting on his lap, Jean sucking him, Jean begging him, Jean moaning his name along with a...

"I like you, Remus"

After that sentence, Remus's eyes widened in terror, but it was too late: the jets of his release were coming out harder than usual, forcing him to bend forward for balance. Had he really touched himself thinking of a person? Worse, of Jean Granger?

Remus felt his pressure drop-both from the strong enjoyment and from all the shame and embarrassment he felt, only having the strength to pull up his pants, wash his hands, and almost fly to his bed, violently closing the canopy curtains. What the hell had happened to him! How had he done such a thing!

Remus couldn't shut his eyes that night, anticipating the last phase before the moon: the one where he looked like he had been beaten by three kangaroos. His whole body ached, deep dark circles settled under his eyes, and his mood was more than acidic - almost effervescent. And of course, the damn erections! But this time he refused to give in to temptation, knowing that he would suffer later, but he didn't care.

No wonder he hid from Jean all day.

Until ten o'clock at night had arrived, and with it the time to go to the House of Screams.

- Are you coming or not? - James joked at Remus's delay in leaving the room.

- I'm coming.

His plan was simple: skim the communal hall and get to the house as quickly as possible, but he hadn't counted on Jean's presence near the fireplace with her face sunk in a book, completely oblivious to their presence. He didn't want to, but her neck almost swiveled like an owl in his direction, just as her scent slapped his already sharp nostrils at that point. If it hadn't been for James pulling on his wrist, he thought it very likely that he would have shoved his face into her neck, only to die of shame later.

What was happening to him?

"I hate you"- Remus threatened Moony, who only had a smug smile on his lips.

- You sick wolf. - he muttered to himself.

But it hadn't been Moony thinking about Jean the day before. Moony was just keeping himself horny, his imagination was solely on Remus. Wolf, I know....

Hurriedly, Remus rushed out of the castle, ignoring Rabicho tightening the Willow knot and heading straight for the largest room in the House, he tried to abstract himself from the smell. Although the boys tried to talk, they couldn't get more than grumbles of pain. By this time they were more than used to seeing their friend naked during the transformation and afterwards as well, since they refused to leave him alone during the whole process.

It was around half past eleven that Remus lost his sanity. It started from his back, with his shoulder blades bending forward, followed by the changes in the bone structure of his legs. His bones snapped breaking and reshaping themselves while his arms changed, with his claws growing sharply and cutting his skin, and finally his jaw changing, complete with the growth of all the fur, as well as that tail.

Troubled, Moony was confused and nervous. The smell still lingered in his nostrils, and it was too good to just enjoy. He wanted to be close, to enjoy it, and to smell it some more, but for that he needed to get out of the box. Almost stepping on the poor little tail, Moony bumped into the branches of Pontas, but interested in the way out. That would be quite a night.

Even under protest, Almofadinhas allowed his friend to pass out, with he and Pontas acting as the werewolf's front guard, preventing him from gaining too much freedom - with poor Rabicho almost hanging on to Almofadinhas' tail, trying to gain space and balance so as not to be left behind. Walks like these were quite common when Moony was calmer, but this time the wolf was quite agitated.

He had even howled at the moon in his desperation! Worried about the lecture they would hear if they found out that instead of the werewolf being trapped in the scream house he and his friends had escaped to run in relative safety through the forbidden forest, the detention did not begin to define the size of the jam they were in. When the boys realized that Moony was getting closer and closer to the castle - which was unusual of the runs that usually got away from the village and Hogwarts, - what was supposed to be a "game" of catch where the deer that was James was usually the wolf's favorite prey in the hunting game had to step in preventing the werewolf from getting any closer to the school grounds and that's when things went downhill. Points and Pillows finally managed to drag Moony to the House of Screams, putting up with all his violence for the rest of the night.

It was no surprise to any of the boys when Remus returned to normal with the sunrise looking like it had been the scene of tap dancing by elephants, hippos, horses and a very angry werewolf in the early hours of the morning - even James and Sirius had some pretty ugly cuts resulting from last night's fight Fortunately Peter had been quick on the healing spells knowing that if Lupin saw what he had done to the others he would feel immensely guilty.

"BORING!" - Shouted the wolf protesting at being suppressed yet again by the witch who was so tired he barely wanted to think about how much his other half still had the nerve to complain!

Completely finished, Remus didn't run away from the infirmary that morning, remaining in the hospital area until shortly after lunch, only then showing up for herbology class which was a colossal waste considering that the healing potions had left him so doped up that he just propped his head on one hand and kept counting how many leaves the potted mandrake seedlings on the shelf next to the teacher's board had. Unfortunately for him, it was a Thursday, which meant that he would spend at least an hour with Jean, in a very low-traffic environment, and he hadn't even settled down yet.

Feeling trapped in a nightmare, Remus crept into the transfiguration room, seeing that Jean was already in her usual place. Although he approached cautiously, the girl's natural perfume filled the room temptingly, and with his sense of smell still heightened by the recent transformation, he needed all the control he had and didn't have not to simply hug the girl like a madman and ask her forgiveness for being an idiot! But who said he could? The smell stirred his entire nervous system and caused him to act without thinking.

In a burst Remus threw his backpack aside along with his sanity and any rationality he proudly admitted to having, and ended the distance between them in stride, coming face to face with the girl.

Jean looked as beautiful as ever, the afternoon sun streaming in through the skylight, and for a second Remus could almost imagine how her angry curls would look in that light. He could easily blame Moony for his attitude as he gripped the witch's waist tightly and with his other hand pulled her neck close. When he captured the brunette's lips between his own in a dashing kiss he could no longer lie to himself, it was he who desperately wanted to kiss her. It was he, Remus Lupin, who wanted Jean Granger as something much more special than a friend, much more than a co-worker with whom he shared the responsibilities of monitoring. He wanted everything!

Surprisingly he was reciprocated, the witch thrusting her body forward attacked his mouth with more vigor, waging a real battle with their tongues, being instigated by the movement of the brunette's body, Lupin pulled her closer.

- Remus... - Jean sighed.

- Remus... - That sound was far away, but they were the only two in the room.

- Remus? - Jean's voice was present in front of him, waking him from his reverie.

Shaking his head, Lupin realized that he was standing in the middle of the room, staring at nothing. He felt his body on fire with shame. For Merlin! The wizard tried to turn around, he needed to get out of there before he did something similar to what he had imagined, but was stopped by her.

- Did something happen? - Hermione asked worriedly, standing in front of him, blocking his way. As far as she knew transformations left you finished, not looking like a cherry tomato.

- I.... I'm just feeling a little sick. - Remus closed his eyes, shaking his head hard, practically holding his breath.

"Hehehe" - Moony laughed in the face of danger, yawning and falling into unconsciousness lulled by the delicious aroma of old book and honeyed oranges.

Hermione stood on tiptoe and put her hand on the older man's forehead, being sure about his elevated temperature.

- You look a bit feverish to me... Why don't you go rest? I take care of things around here, I'm sure Minerva wouldn't mind.

Seriously tempted to accept the offer, Remus heard Snape's voice talking to Malcides in the distance down the hall, immediately changing his mind - who knows why.

- It's nothing so bad... - Remus declared marching over to his usual wallet - but I can't guarantee anything about staying conscious. - He made a pillow out of his backpack, staying as comfortable as possible, even if alert, until he was sure that in the event the sonserinos hadn't come for monitoring.

And well, just when he thought he had abstracted himself from the outside world, he felt Jean's scent once again close to his body, along with an extra layer of protection on his back.

- Like it or not, you might be running a fever. - She declared, placing the cover of her uniform over him before sitting down at the next desk and beginning to rehearse ignoring him again.

Remus was too tired to think or argue, falling asleep soon after. But if things weren't looking too good for the griffin, for Hermione, who was still upset about the fight, they only got worse when she saw Lily walk through the door.

- Is everything alright? - The redhead ventured, not liking the younger girl's hard stare. - Don't worry, I just came to see how Remus is doing.

- Sleeping. - He answered with false indifference, turning back to his parchment.

- It's just that he's never spent this much time in the infirmary... - Lily let slip, turning back after noticing Jean's eyebrow arched in suspicion. - He wasn't feeling well and of all the times he had been sick, this was the worst!

- Do you know what happened? - Hermione asked, and seeing Lily's panicked expression, decided to help. - He came here with a fever, but refused to go to the infirmary.

- Fever? - That was news.

- Yeah. Lethargy, red body, hot forehead, and unexplainable tiredness. Do you know where he might have gotten sick?

- I have no idea, but he is a little.... Fragile.

Fragile! Did they really use that excuse?

Hermione had to hold back the urge to roll her eyes, but she began to worry more about her roommate. Even if they weren't "on good terms" she didn't want him to get sick, especially after such a difficult night of the full moon as she inferred after the redhead's speech. Then sighing resignedly she put away her materials.

- He can't afford to stay here, the castle is freezing and if he's really sick like this he needs to be warm and comfortable, not sleeping in his purse.

- I'll try to fix that. - and disappearing for the next fifteen minutes, Lily returned with James following her, her features genuinely concerned.

The last time Remus had been sick was when Moony had jumped into the semi-frozen lake at Christmas three years earlier, providing the poor guy with pre-pneumonia - along with a shrinking wolf of shame in his mind.

He was a water wolf, damn it!

- Did he say anything? - James asked worriedly.

- He told a certain Moony to stop bothering him. - Hermione replied, having monitored her friend's sleep. - And he ordered fries with arugula.

- Wouldn't that be dried tomatoes with arugula? It's his favorite salad. - James corrected while trying to wake Remus up.

- There is a big difference in vocalization from potato to tomato.

- Actually, not much.

- One is a vegetable and one is a fruit!

- But...

- Arguing about his salad preference is not going to help at all now. - Lily interrupted the crazy conversation. - James, can you help me carry him to the Common Room?

James merely agreed, walking over to his friend and crouching down beside him, checking his temperature-which, although already normalized, he preferred to use as an excuse to take him for some well-deserved rest. The night had been violent, as it had not been for many years.

- Moony? - James tested, being ignored. - Remus? - He was relieved to see his friend's eyes blink sleepily.

- Tip...? - Remus didn't understand why his friend was there, after all, Potter was one of the group that only showed up at the monitorship the week before the exam, completely desperate.

- Let's go to the dorm, you don't look so good. - James stroked his back, situating the teenager.

- No....?

- No, Jean said you had a fever and asked Moony to leave you alone. Shouldn't you go to the dorm?

Remus merely nodded, getting up with difficulty. Ignoring Jean's existence, he leaned on James while Lily carried his backpack, thanking Jean for warning him.

Hermione in turn almost followed, but it wasn't as if they were still friends... not after what he had said on the walk in Hogsmeade. And for the first time in a long time she missed her time of her friends, unconsciously she had clung to the presence of Remus, Lily and the naughty ones, but there in that empty room she realized how alone she was.

She was the alien in that time and as much as she wanted to fool herself she couldn't change the future. She should never have approached them in the first place, so sighing resignedly she told herself that it didn't affect her! She needed to focus on her studies!

___________

- Ask her, Jamie! - Lilly pleaded with her boyfriend, who was trying to concentrate on that afternoon's quadribol game.

- Why don't you ask her yourself?

- Don't you see how she runs away from me?

- And why don't you ask Remus?

- He won't like me asking about her. Please, James! I never asked you for anything!

- Lily, saying that every time you ask me for something doesn't make your point any more valid! But what can I not do for you...? - James melted, stealing a brief kiss from the redhead, before addressing the rookie, who was just finishing descending the dormitory stairs.

- Hey, Newbie! Are you going to the game today? - drawing the attention of a few curious listeners.

- Are your fans so bad that you need to buy other people's fans? - Hermione couldn't help herself, laughing internally at Potter's affectedly offended expression.

- You'll be cheering for me then? - Sirius asked excitedly, coming down the stairs after her.

He had forgotten his gloves in his room, returning just in time to hear the teasing.

- Harry.... I mean, Potter has a better chance of getting my cheers than you do, Black. - Hermione let slip absently.

- What does he have that I don't have?

- He doesn't give me a hard time.

- UUUUI.... - Peter whistled, armed with his fan costume that would make Luna Lovegood jealous.

But Remus didn't opine on the matter - preferring to remain stretched out on the couch in front of the fireplace pretending to be part of the furniture. Since the moon two weeks ago he had avoided as much as possible being alone with her, or thinking about her, or talking to her. He was deeply bothered by her perverted thoughts, as well as her request that Moony stop tormenting him that she had listened to, preferring to play dumb by saying it was a nickname, but she shouldn't have missed him, since she hadn't sought him out either.

He really thought that she didn't intend to go to the game that Saturday so that his afternoon would be another time when he could get peace of mind by focusing on cheering for James and Sirius with equal animation as Peter demonstrates glued to the protective bar of the bleachers - but when he saw those brown hairs three seats to his left in the bleachers, he couldn't stand to stay away any longer and without really reflecting simply sat down next to the girl.

Hermione just sighed resignedly when she realized that it was Remus who had taken the vacant seat next to her and when she realized that the other would start talking she couldn't contain herself.

- Now you talk to me? - she poked. And she mentally slapped herself because even though she told herself that the witch's estrangement didn't affect her and that it was actually the best thing since she shouldn't mess with the past, but there she was unable to hold her tongue or hide her displeasure with the whole situation.

- You haven't spoken to me these days either. - Lupin might have sounded offended as if it was all her fault in the end, but his tone was completely pitiful because this was the reality that their estrangement was killing him little by little.

Hermione looked at Remus and all she could think was that he looked like a real puppy that fell out of the move.

- You know I would never ask you to stay away from James and your friends, I just wanted to prove my point, it wasn't supposed to be a choice or put you up against the wall or anything like that, but I didn't think you'd walk away from me like that.

She was tired of playing hard to get. By Merlin, she was only 16! She had lost her friends, her family, her own time, and just when she thought she could finally accept the reality she was in - as Minerva had suggested by making new friends, pursuing her studies and dreams - Remus who had become such a dear friend had simply stopped talking to her. And worse, she felt as if it was her fault, as if she had told him to choose and in this case he had chosen the others, leaving her alone.

Right after the fight she felt extremely let down by Lupin and all his prejudice towards the sonserino, not to mention his insistence on turning a blind eye ignoring the inexcusable attitudes of the other rascals. Then she felt anger, she felt truly outraged by the fact that the boy was acting all macho towards her as if to say: "I have to defend the fragile and foolish Hermione who can't tell friend from foe.

She was never helpless!

She was a highly trained and capable witch, who had faced a Mountain Trasgo at the age of eleven (even though in this case it was Harry and Ron who incapacitated the magical creature while she was hiding under the sink, but yelling is part of it, it gives encouragement and moral support) and then survived long enough to be nose to nose with an enraged wolf (the same one that was now overprotecting her) when she howled at him at the age of thirteen! Okay, it was exactly because she got careless in the battle of the ministry that she ended up in that mess, but if it hadn't been for her, Harry and Ron would have spent half of their school days in the infirmary.  And now came the melancholy, she hadn't felt this sad and alone since Halloween in her first year.

- You said you cared about me and that's why you didn't want me to hang out with Severus, but avoiding me is not something a caring friend would do. - And for a second she had to take a deep breath to keep from bursting into tears, luckily everyone around her was too alert to the game to notice her or Lupin.

   And there, seeing the girl he claimed to be his best friend so unhappy about something he had done Remus felt like a real and complete idiot!

   - I'm sorry. - Remus sighed defeated. - You were right about everything! I can't tell you who can be your friend, and yes, everyone deserves a second chance... I hate the way things are between us! You are my best friend and I want you to stay that way! I just didn't know how to fix all this... Damn, I still hate seeing you hanging out with Snape, but that's my problem and I didn't have to say all that to you! I'm sorry for being such a jerk... Can I ask you a question?

    Hermione laughed lightly and answered as the boy had answered when she had asked the question that had started the whole fight.

- She just did.

- Would it be too much to ask for a second chance too?

   - No, it wouldn't. Even if you were a complete prejudiced jerk!

   A stabbing.

- And it's not like I'm some helpless witch who needs you to protect me! - Well, not specifically, but Snape did, to protect her from Moony that night fifteen years ahead.

   Another stab.

- But it's like I said, everyone deserves a second chance and I would really be happy if we could continue to be friends without any resentment. - She concluded relieved after getting all that off her chest.

"Just... friends?" - Moony asked sadly, feeling Remus' heart also wither like a birthday balloon at the end of the party.

- I am very happy about that...- Remus replied with a yellow smile on his face, making Jean suspicious of his real feelings.

Friend was better than colleague, wasn't it?

- You don't seem very happy....

- It's not that, I'm really happy, it's just that I'm not that much of a fan of quadribol, especially when we're losing. James will be unbearable later in the dorm, and after all our... this mess, I just wanted some peace. - He confessed, looking tired.

- Did I keep you up that much? - Hermione said playfully, happy to be back in the mood for the casual banter between the two of them, but soon noticed the pink confusion on Lupin's face.

- Not you specifically! M-but the whole situation itself.

"LIE!" - His conscience had shouted, muffling the shout Moony was about to give.

"I'm glad you know"-The wolf agreed.

- Do you want to get out of here? I'm not willing to watch Pettigrew cuss all and more when James loses his pomo in a little while.

- The two of us sneaking out of a quadribol game seems a bit suspicious to me, Miss Granger.

- I see it more as two not interested in quadribol going away for their mental sanity living in the silly uncertainty of not knowing who really won or lost.

- I'll take it, but only if you answer my other question. Why do you come to the games if you get such a frowny expression?

- Quadribol reminds me of a very dear person. - he said with a genuine wistful smile on his face. - Even though I hate everything about this extremely violent and unsafe game. Watching the matches refreshes my memory, but not enough to want to see a Potter and Black being badly beaten.

And with an understanding smile, Remus placed his hand at the base of her back - just so they wouldn't get lost, of course - as he led her toward the steps of the bleachers and then followed her away from the field, wasting the next thirty minutes in the Commons Hall enjoying each other's company, betting the exact moment James Potter would come in like a hurricane through the portrait, ignoring the presence of the two. Despite not being able to move around much in the stands, Remus Lupin and Jean Granger spent much of the late afternoon and early evening half cuddled on the couch in front of the fireplace, re-establishing the bond of super best friendship - a friendship with many more physical touches if it were up to the Lupine subconscious in question.

[minervahopebeyond]

Blood Daffodils.

Chapter 20: Lightning has struck.

He felt the cold sweat under his shirt. Early hours, the sun still hidden and they were walking behind Neville through, apparently, the only secret passage that he wasn’t aware of.

Hermione and Ron kept asking things to the boy. He seemed so mature, he had this leader aura around him that made Harry almost not recognize him when he saw him peeking his head behind the portrait in Aberforth’s.

Harry was quiet for the most part. He just wanted this to be over.

He had sought the vision. Not that he would ever admit that to Mione or Ron, mind you. But everything was taking time, too much time. It was May already and they needed for this to be over before June. He missed Malfoy. He missed kissing him, he missed touching him, he missed arguing with him...

He hadn’t seen him since the day they left. They tried to go back to the mansion once they had stolen the Cup from the vault, though. You can imagine Harry’s desperation when they found an empty house. It was Hermione who pointed that the house had no damage, it just seemed desolated, most things were gone... like clothes and that stuff (the same things that they had taken when they ran away).

“They probably had to leave, breath Harry.”

Fortunately, he didn’t need to snap at her because Ron took care of it.

“Probably” the redhead hissed. “Do you even care about Malfoy, Mione?? He is dying. If you had let me tell Harry at the wedding, getting separated wouldn’t have been such a big deal or any of the other million times where we had the chance! But no! Now he must be coughing to death somewhere, Merlin only knows where-“

“DO YOU WANT ME TO ADMIT THAT I WAS WRONG, RONALD? FINE! I WAS WRONG, I MADE A MISTAKE-“

“YOU SURE DID! YES!” He spat out viciously. Everything seemed to be ringing in Harry’s ears. So much information. The wedding. Kissing Ginny. Running away. Coming back. Kissing Draco.

All the times where he had the opportunity to tell him how he felt cane to mind. Now he wasn’t here, now he feared send a Patronus in case they weren’t safe enough to get one. Now it was too fucking late.

“Stop. Stop fighting.” He said with his voice broken. “It’s my fault. It’s my fault that he doesn’t know, that he is still sick.”

And after that, they had to camp in different places every three days. But it was taking time, they brainstormed where the horcrux could be but it was useless. There wasn’t any sure lead to follow. Not like the vault at least.

So, he had let the walls in his mind drop, for a day, maybe two... They didn’t need to know that. As far as they knew, Harry sucked at occlumency and they were fighting that day so emotions were all over the place... He let him in, he let him see what they were doing for a brief moment and that was it. Voldemort knew and he was so furious that he had accidentally let Harry know where the other horcrux was. Hogwarts. Of course.

So they were infiltrating the castle, 4 A.M and the alarms on Hogsmade had already went off as soon as they apparated. Bless Aberforth, if he hadn’t had hidden them, they would have been taken by now, he just knew it.

He was too bloody nervous, his thought kept going back to Draco. Neville showed them the way and Harry tried to focus. If they finished this, he could see Draco soon. Before it was too late.

When they got to the Room Of Requirement they found the entire DA hiding there. They were celebrated as soon as they entered and Harry couldn’t help bet to think that they looked awful. Tired, dirty, beaten and far more skinny than they did last time he saw them.

“Nott?” Ron asked, surprised.

The brunette came into view, passing by Seamus and Dean.

“Oh, yeah!” Neville exclaims. “He’s been helping us to hide, let us know when the Carrows or Snape are leaving so we can get out.”

Harry blinked. He wasn’t even hiding the dark mark. His sleeve was rolled up and everyone seemed so unaffected by it. Like it was a common thing among them.

“Where is Draco?” Nott hissed at Ron and Harry frowned.

It was stupid. He hadn’t any reason to be jealous anymore... Well, that was a lie. Nott was still an attractive man who was in love with the love of his life, the first friend that the blond boy ever had and Draco still loved him (even though he wasn’t in love). And Harry had learned quick enough that he was the possessive kind. He usually tried to hide it and failed in the process... He definitely did not like the brunette asking for Malfoy as soon as he saw them.

“Funny story-“ Ron started but Nott cut him short.

“Oh really?” It was Luna who got the brunette to stop with the hissing and the cursing.

“Stop it, Theodore. I’m sure that Draco is fine.” She said patting his shoulder before turning to Harry. “It’s lovely to see you again.”

And that was when Ginny appeared, walking through everyone. Her long red hair was falling over her shoulders, it seemed to light up the room, to be fire it self. He remembered what he liked about her. How he thought she was so beautiful... Now, it felt kind of wrong to even notice it. Last time they saw each other they had kissed and dance in the same day.

“Harry, hi.” She breathed out. She seemed excited to see him and Harry felt a wave of guilt brushing over him because it had been almost a year and he didn’t have Ginny much thought. He was too busy with other things, too in love with someone else.

“Hey...” He responded, hesitant tone in his voice.

“She hasn’t seen me in ten months and doesn’t even wave my way. I’m her brother-“ He heard Ron whisper with annoyance at Mione behind him.

“There are a lot like you. Only one Harry.” Seamus said smugly and Harry wished he would just shut the fuck up. He didn’t need for Ginny to get her hopes up, they were broken up.

“Shut up, Seamus.” Ron replied more harshly than he should have. They didn’t know, no one knew about him and Draco. Well, almost no one...

“Lovegood, move.”

He turned to see Nott with a wand on his hand (not his wand because Harry had that one), trying to get pass Luna to hex him probably.

“Do the breathings. I taught you those.”She said with a soft voice that only made Nott more angry.

“No. Move.”

He didn’t get the chance to cast anything because Neville chose that moment to announce that they were here for a mission, something in the school and let Harry explain what it was. He was not surprised about the questions they got.

“So, you don’t know what it is?”

“No.”

“Where is it?”

“Also no.”

All the students were staring at them. Just blinking.

“We think it would be something small, easy to hide. And that it has something to do with Ravenclaw.”

Nobody answered, there were whispers, brain storming, but no one spoke up. Not until Luna did. She truly was an angel.

“Well... There is Rowena’s Ravenclaw lost diadem.”

“Oh bloody hell, here we go.” The redhead muttered under his breath. Harry could see the glare that Nott sent his way as soon as he heard him.

“Lost diadem of Ravenclaw...?” She asked, glancing at the rest. “Hasn’t anyone heard of it? It’s quite famous.” Which was a polite way of Luna saying that she thought they were stupid. Harry wasn’t going to point that out, though.

“Yes, Luna but it’s lost. For centuries now. There isn’t a person alive who’ve seen it.” Cho said kindly.

“We’ve already alerted the Order. They are on their way.”

Harry’s heart flipped in his chest. He didn’t know if Draco would come. He kind of wish he would for selfish reasons but he also wish he wouldn’t to be safe, to not get hurt more than he already was.

Nott hissed in pain as he covered his Dark Mark with his hand. Luna took some steps forward to be near but he shook his head and gestured for her to stay away.

“He is summoning everyone. He must know you are here, Potter.”

“There goes our advantage.” Neville sighed.

“We knew it was going to happen, we set off the alarms in Hogsmade. They must have finished searching.” Hermione replied like it was the most obvious thing in the world. “So we get the Order here and we attack, distract them as we look around the castle for the thing.” She was very careful not to say the word horcrux, Harry noticed.

“They are going to call for everyone, in just minutes. We need a way to hide Potter.” Nott said, his jaw clenched from the pain, his hand still over the mark.

“Robes?” Ginny said.

“What?”

“Robes, we dress him in uniform, make him march with us, we are too much people for them to recognize him.”

“That is the most dumbest thing I’ve ever heard. What are you going to do when the Order gets here? Announce that they are here too?” He replied with a sarcastic tone and an arched eyebrow. Sometimes he reminded him of Malfoy. Must be the Slytherin way of thinking.

“That would be kind of cool, don’t you think?” Ron said smiling excitedly.

“It was a joke, Weasley.”

“But it sounded like such a brilliant idea, Nott.”

And soon enough Harry was in Gryffindor robes all over again.

———————————————-

———————————————-

The voice of Alastor Moody irrupted in their home and Draco woke up like there was a bloody fire. There probably was.

“Lightning has struck. We got a message. It’s time to move. You know what to do.”

The silver ball moved around the house repeating the same thing but when he couldn’t hear anyone waking up, it was Draco who opened Sirius and James door without even knocking and found them cuddling together in their sleep. How precious.

“GET UP! GET THE FUCK UP!”

He yelled and flowers fell off his mouth but what was new, right?

“Kid...? Stop yelling-“ His voice was sleepy still and Draco didn’t have a better idea than removing the covers so they were waken up by being uncomfortable. He wished he hadn’t, though.

“Oh, for Salazar’s sake!” He turned around and covered his eyes. “Put on some clothes. They are in the castle. Moody sent a Patronus.”

“What?” He heard Sirius ask and the sound of clothes moving, at least they were changing.

“Your mess of a son and the rest of the Golden Trio infiltrated Hogwarts. We need to move, the Order has been called to fight.”

Draco still had his eyes closed but he heard Edward starting to cry in the main bedroom and soon enough he also heard Remus and Dora’s voices.

“We are decent.” James said and Draco turned around.

“Finally. Where are my potions? The ones I hate.”

The flowers were cutting him, desperate, twirling in anticipation of seeing Potter once more.

“Why do you want them?”

“Because I need to be able to fight and I can’t do that if my lungs keep burning like this.”

He heard Edward’s cute little noises behind him. When he turned around Remus was holding the baby and Dora had a worried look on her face.

“You are not going, Draco.” The man said as he bounced the baby in his arms. “We need someone that stays with Teddy and you are not an oficial member of the order-“

Draco started to have a coughing fit right there and then. Taking out his wand in case they tried to keep him in the house against his will. He held his breath, counted to ten, let out the petals that had accumulated in his mouth.

“No. You two, are staying here. You have your son, you have each other.” He stole a glance of Sirius and Mr Potter before continuing, he needed some king of support in this. “Their son is marching off to face a madman that’s been trying to kill him since birth. And you know how I feel about him.Try to make me stay here, I dare you.” He hissed at him.

And that last warning was for everyone in the damn room, but Sirius and James knew better than to try. They knew he needed Potter. He needed him more than anything and anyone in the world.

Remus started to say that he couldn’t stay either, that he wanted to finish a fight that he had been part of since forever. That it was for Lily too, for Sirius, for James. Nymphadora mentioned her father, her mother, how she didn’t feel comfortable staying behind either and it surprised Draco that neither Sirius not James were pointing out that those were just excuses, and mediocre ones at that.

“You have Edward! I refuse to become his guardian at the age of seventeen because you couldn’t sort out your bloody priorities. Nymphadora gave birth two months ago, she is in no state to fight and maybe neither I am, but I don’t have a kid.” He pointed to James behind him. “We had enough of self-sacrificing parents for a lifetime. You are staying, end of story.”

“Hate to agree, Moony, but Draco is right.” The voice of Sirius was softer than normal because he knew that Remus hated them for this, for throwing Edward ending up an orphan in their faces.

“We are coming back. It’s a promise.” Mr. Potter added, knowing that there was no guaranteed that they would but it was the only thing that seemed to make Dora and Remus a little more at ease.

“Now, go fetch me my potions and give me my godson.” He said reaching out to grab him, a smile in his face even though they were in the middle of a horrifying situation.

Everyone was watching him, most days he didn’t have the strength to lift him but he guessed that his body had too much adrenaline right now. He pulled Edward close to his chest and inhaled his beautiful baby smell before coughing a little bit.

His hair was blue now, it changed with his mood but Draco never saw him with this one so he couldn’t guess what it meant.

“We’ll see each other after this, okay? I’m going to bring your other godfather home, even if I have to kick him in the arse all the way here.”

Of course Edward didn’t understand a thing. Mr. Potter laughed though. That was good. It was good to laugh even though this could all end very badly.

He kissed his tiny forehead and gave him to Dora. He saw his big eyes fill with tears and his chubby hands reaching out to Draco again. It broke his heart but he shook his head and left the room to find Remus. He could hear Edward’s ugly crying. That kind of crying that only babies and small children have, heartbreaking, desperate, filled with need.

“Promise me you are staying here.” He pleaded the man, currently packing all the potions that might come in handy for them out there.

“Yes, Draco. I hate this but I’ll stay.” He replied with defeat.

Okay, good. Now he only had to get to Potter.

The flowers started to slam themselves against his lungs.

‘GO FIND HIM. GO FIND HIM. GO FIND HIM. GO FIND HIM. GO FIND HIM. GO FIND HIM.’

[silverselfshippingchaos]

Felix + KISS! :D

46 - mid fight.

Okay, I actually have a few ideas for this one so 👀 buckle up, my loves! These are all while fighting away enemies because, well, it's fire emblem-

This one is during the academy phase of the game, so they're still both students who've just started dating :)!

"You." Says Felix, cold as ever as he slams some papers down onto the table, sitting down next to Ash in the dining hall.

"Hello, Felix. To what do I owe the honor?" Says Ash, not looking up from the blessings of taste her salad was providing her with. Gulping down her salad, she looks up at him. His eyes. She'd always loved his eyes. Amber, sharp, and piercing. Intimidating, honestly. But ever so rarely, soft and filled with love. For her, of course. And swords, of course.

"Tch, stop being stupid. You see me every single day."

"I know I do, and it's always the best part of my day!" She says, smiling softly as she pushes away the (now empty) bowl of salad.

"O-oh?" Says Felix, the faintest of blushes yeeting itself onto his face.

"Of course. Now, what is it? You usually don't come see me during lunchtime, you're always training. Is something wrong?"

"Well... I need your help."

Ash gasps. "Felix?! Asking for help?! Oh my! I must be dreaming!" She laughs, "I'm joking. Mostly. What do you need me for?"

Felix takes her hand into his and softly rubs circles into it with his thumb, "I need help with my sorcery homework... I know you're a good mage, and I know professor Byleth said I should study reason... So help me. Please, Ash?"

Ash giggles, "Yeah, of course! And," She smirks, "If you don't mind me asking, what am I getting out of this?" She was joking (as she often did), of course, but teasing him was fun.

"I... Well... I'll help you with your sword technique. I know you've wanted to get better, especially after that one night we sparred... You do remember, correct?" He asks. "You better not have forgotten."

~~~~~~

Flashback

"Ash. Spar with me." Felix says, pointing his wooden training sword down at the figure sitting in the corner of the training grounds, her head buried in a book.

"Me?!" She asks, pushing up her red glasses and placing a bookmark in her book and setting it to the side. She looks the figure up and down, biting her lip. His amber eyes were are sharp as daggers, but she loved it.

"Yes, genius. Who else would I be talking to? Which other Ash is here right now? I've beaten almost everyone here, I need someone new." He grunts, tucking a stray strand of his dark blue hair behind his ear.

"Well then, love, I don't think I'll be of much help to you. I'm sorry." Says Ash, standing up from her seat on the ground, grabbing her book, and brushing off her pants.

"... You always start acting like this when I ask you to spar. Why?

"Oh, you wanna know why?! I'm sure you know exactly how it feels like to be a stand-in for somebody else in your life, don't you? It's fucking hard. My sister is one of the best knights the country has seen. Why even bother trying when I'm never going to be what everyone expects to be?!"

Felix nods his head slowly and gently hugs her. "I... I get it. That's how I felt when Glenn was around. Hell, that's how I still feel. So... Let's learn together, okay? We'll be the best. Just as good as your sister."

Ash's eyes go wide. "Damn... Has anyone ever told you that you'd make a great motivational speaker?"

"No. I often times prefer to let my sword do the talking, and I do not believe that is appropriate for most group settings unfortunately."

Ash lets out a chuckle and takes off her jacket, folding up the sleeves of her shirt underneath as she grabs a training sword. "Okay, pretty boy, let's go."

Ash nearly screams at how quick he moves, and it takes all her skill just to dodge out of the way of his attacks. Swords clash, and she's pushed back by the sheer amount of force he was pressing against her blade. "Damn, Felix. You're," Ash pants, "strong. Really damn strong."

She was beginning to tire out. She looks him up and down, only to sigh at the fact that he had no visible weaknesses. She'd have to create a distraction then.

"Hey, Felix?"

"What is it?" He responds, his moves not slowing down in the slightest.

She knocks her blade against his, leaning in a bit, only to gently connect their lips. He freezes against her, "O-oh. Thanks."

She smirks at the opportunity to sweep at his legs, knocking him onto the ground. She points her wooden blade at his neck. "Boom, I win. Get rekt, bitch."

He gasps, pushing himself back up to his feet. "Cheater!"

"I simply used my resources."

~~~~~~

"Hey," She shrugs, "There's no way I could have forgotten. You seriously don't have to, though. I hope you know that. I'll help you no matter what, I'm your girlfriend." Ash smiles at the thought.

He rolls his eyes, "Quit being sappy, just help me with this spell."

"Of course, Lixie."

Damn this is fun! This next one takes place after the timeskip, so it's five years later and during the war :)!

The battlefield was relentless and rough. Reinforcements kept on coming, and Felix was exhausted. Slice one down, move to the next. Slice one down, move to the next. Felix had to keep going. Some of his allies were behind him, shooting arrows and blasting magic.

Ash was on the other side of the battlefield, blasting fireballs and stabbing the soldiers who tried to charge at her. Felix felt a proud smirk on his face - She'd improved so much.

"FELIX!" Calls Sylvain, "Watch out! To your left!"

Felix gasps, seeing a flyer attempt to hit him. He dodged as best as he could, but he couldn't stop the axe from tearing into his arm. He screams. But he keeps fighting, the adrenaline pulsing through his veins.

Felix takes down as many Empire soldiers as he can, but he fails to see an archer taking aim directly at him.

The arrow hits Felix square in the chest, and he falls down onto one knee. "Fuck... Is this... going to be my final stand?"

"Felix!" Screams Ash. She casts Bolting and takes out the flyer, and starts immediately running over to Felix. "Sylvain, take out the archer for me, yeah? Cover us." She says, softly holding Felix, her hands soaked crimson.

"You okay, Lix?"

"I'm bleeding out."

"Y-yeah..." She says, taking a shaky breath. "I'm not... the best with blood, but it's okay."

Felix pushes her away and rises back to his feet, "It's fine. I-I'll be okay. If it makes you uneasy, leave me be." He reaches for his weapon and falls back onto his knees, "Or not."

"Okay." Ash takes a deep breath in, "I can do this." She casts the strongest healing spell she knows, and tosses Felix a concoction, which he gratefully chugs.

"Thank you. You did well. You're doing so well." Felix says, grabbing his sword.

"Wait!" Ash says.

"Yes? Make it fast, I'm trying to, you know, not get killed."

"I love you." She says, pulling him closer for a small kiss.

~~~~~~

Here's another one because I don't want to do my homework :) this time it's an actual verbal fight lmao

"Felix, can you shut up for once?! I'm sick of your attitude." Ash says, slamming her hands down onto the dark wood of her desk.

"Excuse me?! You're so fucking sensitive, you can't handle anything. You never think about how you bother other people, or worse, hold them back." He says, standing up from his seat on her (their, if we're being honest) bed.

"Oh, so now it's ME who's holding people back?! You're the one who never takes a moment to think about how painful your words can be. Has anyone ever told you that insulting people isn't a way to show affection? It hurts, Felix. It fucking hurts. But wait, you don't care, do you? You never care about anything other than your damn training and your stupid dead brother. You always go on and on about how the dead are dead and the living are living, but you never take a piece of your own advice."

At this point, Felix was fuming. He punches the wall next to him, "Don't you dare bring Glenn into this!"

"I just want you to care, Felix! All this insulting and being a fucking bitch is getting you nowhere. It's getting us nowhere. And frankly, I'm sick of it. Do better." She says, standing up and walking out of the room. She immediately flees to the training grounds, walking as fast as she can. All she saw was red and tears threatened to spill from her eyes.

Felix buries his face in his hands. "Damnit. I'm such a fool..." He takes a few moments to himself to calm down, before standing up and starting to search around the monastery for her. Where could she possibly be?

He wanders around the stone walls, taking in the chill of the cold night. He'd always liked the night. But the night felt different when he was alone.

Felix hears small sniffles coming from the direction of the training grounds. "... I made her cry." A pang of guilt hits him. Ash cried easily, and he knew that. She often joked about it. But very rarely was he the one making her cry. And he didn't like it one bit.

He walks into the training grounds only to see Ash huddled up in the corner, her head between her knees. They'd spent so much time on the ground of the training grounds together, laughing and smiling. But tonight was different.

"... Hey, Ash." He says, slowly approaching her. "Are you... okay?"

"I dunno. I'm fine. I'll be fine." She says, not even bothering to look up at him from her spot on the cold ground.

"I... thought about what you said. I think you might be right. I'll try to tone it down, I promise." He says quietly.

She looks up at him, her brown eyes shining in the moonlight. "Wait... Really?"

"Yes." He says, sitting down next to her, making sure to leave some space in between. "But... I also want you to hear me out."

She takes a deep breath and nods.

"I'm sorry for being rude. You know that I don't realize the weight of my words sometimes. I understand where you come from, I just... I'm scared of getting attached. I can't lose anybody else..." Felix blubbers quickly. He wasn't used to being vulnerable, it always made him feel weak.

"... Okay. I understand, Felix." Says Ash, scooting a bit closer to him and taking his hand into hers. "Let's just make an effort to understand eachother, yeah? No more dumb fights."

"Yeah." Responds Felix, gently pulling her onto his lap and kissing her. He wraps his arms around her back and finds himself smiling into the kiss. With her, he felt like he was at home.

[polyvirnl]

In Memoriam

Petals In Ambivalence prologue

Inspired by Link Start - Lies Stopped! by DawnWave on ao3

So I found a couple DawnWave Sword Art meets Miraculous books and decided I needed more, so heres a short one while I write the actual story.

This Au is the Black Lotus AU ((and while I realize that makes it sound like Marinette is in a Red Player guild, or taking Kiritio's place in SAO, its not, its literally just bc her handle is Lotus ingame, and i wanted a some cool alias's for it.))

Also,,, its gonna be maribat of some sort probably

The somber grey sky cried as Marinette stumbled to school, something that was fitting on that day. Adorned with black button up and slacks, grey shoes and ribbons, and a single freying bracelet on her wrist, Marinette concentrated on her breathing, feeling the cold sink into her bones while her umbrella lay unused in her hand.

She sighed as she tucked it away in her bag, the school growing closer with it’s perilous stone staircases and manipulative foxes lying in wait.

Since Lila had joined the school again a month ago, she had been steadily gaining support in the school, swaying everyone with a wag of her tongue, despite the outrageous lies she boasted. Normally, Marinette was nearly late and Lila was in the classroom before her arrival-that is to say, everyone was present before her arrival.

But not today.

Today she framed her bruised eyes like battle scars, the more readily pronounced bags a testament to how she slept that night; not a wink.

She knew she wouldn't have slept well, knew the likelihood of waking up with an aching throat and haggard voice- so she simply worked and worked, schoolwork, designs, scrolling through monotonous posts online, anything to keep her mind and memories quiet, if not silent.

Marinette fiddled with her bracelet as she walked up the stairs and through the hallway, not surprised when the door she opened displayed a distinct lack of person in the room, something unheard of since she had caught up with school and rejoined.

Her things were placed in an orderly manner on her desk in the back, her notes from last night queued on her tablet, waiting for power to be turned on to be used. Her arms were crossed on the wooden surface, head turned to stare out the window with glassy, unseeing orbs.

She didn't know how early she was, or how long she waited there, alone, before her classmates started piling in, first the early birds, like Sabrina and Max, then the giggling pairs like Rose and Juleka. No one mentioned Marinette’s lackluster presence, and she had a distant thought about if they thought she was someone else, or if they didn't care anymore. Not that she was like this today for attention. She was like this in attention, in a walking memorial of those who were lost for years, a survivor who had been lost but had finally come home three years ago.

Lila and a small portion of her posse came in. Marinette didn't stirr, not moving her eyes from the dusty window pane with the sky's tears trickling down and pelting it as if to break through and steal her away, to leave a changeling in her place with none the wiser but herself.

In the reflection of the glass, she noticed faintly as Kim walked up to his desk, that Max beside him wore the same ensemble as her, black as the night except for his dark grey glasses.

Lila’s shrill voice was breaking her shield of inattention, forcing her to listen even as she subtly pressed her hands over sensitive ears until they burned. That is, until she heard a familiar name, and a pool of dread dripped over her heart with an unflinching fist.

“Of course- that was before he and Alice got together, I was the one who got them together by the way!”

Maybe I misheard, maybe she can be a decent person for once-

Adrien stumbled in, funeral clothes like two others, grey faced and tired. He greeted them all with a small, scratchy voice.

“ The game was honestly a blast, I don't know why so many people died ! It was soo easy, but maybe I'm just that good?”

Adrien stopped where he was placing his things, face growing more pale by the second, turning slowly to stare at her.

Lila flashed a devious smirk at the ground at his attention.

“What the hell are you talking about.” He almost whispered, and the class froze. Marinette raised her head and made to stand.

“Sword Art Online of course! I was telling them all about my adventures with Kirito and Alice and the other front liners, I was stuck in that death game for years you know. I'm pretty sure its been coming back up in the media recently too~”

Marinette’s fists trembled, and Adrien eyes went glassy as he lurched out of the room.

“Lila Rossi.”

Everyone whipped around to see Marinette standing with feirce eyes.

“What.”

“Are you aware of the reason SAO has been resurfacing in the media.”

Lila sputtered.

“Of course I do, Its to celebrate the newer games being released!”

A pencil snapped, and the class glanced at an ashen faced Max, his eyes widening.

“No Lila. It's for the memorial of the dead players on the third year marker of the trap being beaten and the living players released.” She took a breath, and addressed the class as they whispered to themselves. “If you would have paid attention. Three of your classmates, are wearing funeral colors, Max, would you like to tell them why?”

“Of course, Marinette. I would assume, from how Adrien ran out, and Marinette looks, that they either played the game, knew someone who was trapped in the game, knew someone who died in the game, were a beta tester but didn't play the game, had family in the game, or had family or otherwise close contact with someone that helped in the original manufacturing before Akihiko Kayaba's dangerous tampering. Therefore, they are in mourning colors to respect the 3,853 fallen players, as well as those 6,147 living, and may be attending the memorial service that will be conducted later this afternoon.”

“Thank you Max.”

Lila sneered, out of view from those under her control before widening her eyes and crying,” I ju-just didnt want t-to think about al-all my friends that died…”

“How could you two bring that up?” Alya snapped, hugging the ‘forlorn’ girl.

“What exactly is going on in here?” Ms. Mendeliev stood in the doorway, surveying the chaos.

“Marinette and Max brought up Lila’s friends from that game, and she got sad.”

“From that game?”

“Yeah from when she was stuck in SAO!” Rose helpfully explained with a reassuring squeeze of Lila's shoulder.

Ms. Mendeleiev’s eyebrow rose comically.

“Miss Rossi, you are aware that it is on record who was and was not in Sword Art, specifically so that we teachers and staff know to be careful of PTSD among other things?”

“...No.”

“Miss Dupain-Chèng, with your consent?”

“Why do you need Marinette’s permission?” Juleka murmered, confused.

“Its alright, go right ahead madame.”

“Class, and specifically you, Miss Rossi, this school hosts exactly two international players from the virtual death game MMO, Sword Art Online. These players include one male, and one female, also known as One Marinette Dupain-Chèng-.”

A still pale Adrien returned with a furious Chloe.

“Ah, Mr. Agreste, perfect timing, are you willing for me to tell your classmates about what we discussed in the hall?”

“Sure…”

“Very well. As I was saying, the two players in this school, are one Miss Marinette Dupain-Chèng, and one Mr. Adrien Agreste.”

The two stared at each other, looking over each other. Marinette stood strong under the class's bewildered gaze, nodding in acknowledgment to Adrien.

Tikki patted her from inside her purse as Lila started up again, clearly scrambling for excuses.

“M-My mother! My mother didnt write my name on the record because she thought that I would get bullied for it!”

“While that may have been possible in other cases, the players of Sword Art are public record, seperate from their alias ingame so as to not promote grudges lasting to the outside.”

Mendeleiev sighed, almost bored, and brushed the topic away as if the students were not edging away from Lila and shooting looks of disapointment, shock, and disbelief at her.

“Anyway, carrying on, as Caline has called in sick, I will be filling in for her. Open your books to page 208, and start annotating. Adrien, Marinette, and Max, if you need to step outside for a moment to calm down, do so.

Max shook his head, replacing his broken pencil with another, as Marinette and Adrien stepped mechanically towards the door.

Outside, it was quiet for a moment.

“Do you plan to go to the memorial today?”

“Father is still unsure If he will allow it. It will probably be crowded, and it does seem like it's going to be a pretty public event…”

“I could send you the e-vite to the online one, or videochat you from the one at the tower?”

“I would like that, please send me the evite, in case he doesn't allow me to go.”

“...What was your handle?”

“Luciole, yours?”

“Rōtasu.”

Notes:

*Luciole means firefly, *Rōtasu means Lotus

[thewritingstar]

WC #70

Prompt: Sick Days 

Pairing: Kiribaku

Okay so this is dedicated to and he gave me the idea lol to drum roll (drum roll noise...) @flowerboyorchid who is literally my twin/bestie/DD (designated dumbass ) I’ve been itching to write these bois and need a break from the FT binge (still love it though) 

Enjoy this short and simple fic!!!

---

“But I wanna go to the water park too.” Kirishma whined as Bakugou plopped a thermometer in his mouth. The redheads body was ice cold and his chest was pumping out aching coughs non stop for the past day. 

“With a 102 fever? I don’t think so shitty hair.” Bakugo rolled his eyes at the red heads pleads but a loud cough muffled him. “You can go another time.” But he was met with another whimper. 

“But every one is there.” He continued to fuss as he buried himself deeper into the blanket on the couch. It was true. Aizawa finally gave the students permission for summer leave after a grueling training and every single person took running towards the water paradise. Out of all the days Kirishima ended up with a cold fever due to Todoroki freezing him during battle, and because he was dared to sit in the freezer for as long as possible but Bakugou still blamed the half n half freak for his bros problems.

“I’m here.” Bakugo mumbled and felt his cheeks flush.

“Ya you are huh?” The sick red head let out a smile and a big yawn, one that made him look absolutely adorable to the blonde who was still trying to conceal his blush. the blonde shook his head and sighed. 

“You should take a nap, your body needs rest in order to get out of this shit.”

“Yeah but I’m too tired to walk to my room.”

“Then sleep here dumb ass.” Bakugo pulled the red head to him and in no time Kirishima's head was rested in his lap as he used Bakugos thigh as a pillow. 

Kirishmia had to admit that he was comfortable but then again his body was in no state to comprehend anything and his eyes felt like a weight was on them, not to mention his bros intoxicating sweet scent gave him peace. 

“See? Now go to sle-” His voice soften as the red head eyes fluttered closed. Something about seeing him all peaceful made Bakugou relax. The way his chest rose and fell and how he snuggled deeper against him due to the warmth radiating from his body only contributed more to Bakugos crush on him. He wouldn’t admit, no, not to anyone else at least but to the boy sleeping soundly in his lap, he would.

Between them, they knew. The feelings they had were mutual and they had kissed once, no twice before but Kirishima knew they couldn’t be rushed. Nothing changed between them but their friends noticed Bakugou's smile popped up more often and even the whispers between them.

Bakugo broke out of his daze when the sick boy stirred in his sleep and for some reason his fingers trailed through the mess of red hair. A soft sigh escaped Kirishmias lips and Bakugou continued. Both boys felt a sense of comfort in the action. Long locks tangled softly around his fingers and the slight tug pushed Kirishmia further into his daze. 

Bakugou’s free hand scrolled through his phone as his classmates sent him videos and pictures of their time and he would rather be with the boy he liked than those nerds. Even with his friend knocked out sick, today was a perfect day. 

All of a sudden the elevator opened and Denki stepped out. His eyes were trained to his phone and Bakugou panicked because he would rather be beaten by Deku then have someone see him being soft with the boy he dreams about at night. There was only on thing to do. 

“Oh hey Bakugou.” Denki smiled and the blonde offered a wave.

“Why the fuck aren’t you at the pool?” A shrug came from the electric teen as he threw his towel over his shoulder. 

“Overslept but I'm heading out now. Is Kirishima still here?” He asked and the blonde pointed to the floor where the sound asleep fever boy laid.

“He’s asleep.” He shrugged and Denki walked past him to the doors.

“I’ll see you later.” He paused and turned back to the bruiting blonde. “Oh and Bro?”

“What?” Bakugou sneered.

“Being soft is manly.” Denki laughed as he quickly closed the door and ran. Bakugou was about to chase him when the blanket on the floor moved.

“W-what happened?” The hoarse voice called out. Bakugou rolled his eyes and looked down to floor where he had pushed him off. Slowly he picked up the Kirishima burrito, laying down on the couch, he placed the redhead on his chest and kissed his forehead. His hand went back into those ruby locks and his other hand rested on the small of the others back. 

“Nothing, now go to sleep shitty hair.” Bakugo commanded as they both shut their eyes and Kirishima snuggled up to him as the blanket fell on the pair.

“So soft.” Kirishima mumbled as his head laid on the explosive boys chest but Bakugou didn’t care because being soft was manly as hell.

--

Okay hope you enjoyed!!!

[thetruscumsiren]

I know no one really likes when I do this but I’m sick and I’m not really thinking clearly and I wanna ramble

Why is it so difficult to change? I’m in one of those moods where I just want to shave my head and do the things I want. The things that make me happy. I want to run around and be reckless just to give it a try. I’ve always done as I was told, always tried to be what everyone else wanted. I’ll get into these moods where I viciously want to fight back.

But the thing is...I can’t. I’m sick and tired of saying “oh, when I’m 18 I’ll-” and just sitting around. Even though I turn 18 in less than a year (which is another terrifying thing) I don’t think I can wait that long. I want to stop being miserable and unhappy. I want to express myself, do what I want to do. But I can’t and I damn well know it.

“Well of course you can! It’s your life, remember? Don’t be afraid to take a little risk!” That’s so much easier said than done? Like I almost need physical therapy because my back muscles are so weak that they can barely hold me up these days (that’s not an exaggeration either, by the way, I’ve been in constant pain at school for weeks) before I can get anywhere near exercising for beginners. Everything costs money. I need to consult so many adults, mostly doctors, and I still can’t drive on my own yet. Plus I’d need my parents there anyway. I don’t have my own card or a job yet. I still live with my parents and I have to live under their rules and their definition of what can make me happy. I’m under 18 so I need their permission for so many of the things I want to do. I have severe anxiety issues and a hard time dealing with sudden changes, yet I’m so desperate I can’t just keep waiting forever. Hell I’ve had to stop being vegetarian because my parents wouldn’t help me find foods I liked and they thought it was dumb and burdensome since they’re not vegetarians and now I just eat like a lazy college student because that’s all I can do most nights. I still can’t buy binders or packers or literally anything to help me alleviate dysphoria. It could be months before I can start T.

I don’t have money, I don’t have time, I don’t have permission, I don’t have patience.

I’ve done my waiting. I’ve felt like this since I was 11 or 12 years old. I’ve been waiting for years. I’ve tried doing it myself multiple times but with no one to help me I always fall off and can never get back on. I’m tired of waiting. I’m sick of this “oh well what if you regret it” attitude. I know it’s supposed to protect me but all it’s done is made me miserable and stop me from pursuing things that’ll actually make me happy. Or at least happier. I just can’t get my parents to understand that I need change. I need my parents to understand that all this mentality has done is made me regret so much of the past 6 years of my life.

I just want to be fucking happy. I’m sick and tired of just being a mirror for people. I hate that this is probably the millionth time I’ve thought like this, felt like this, talked like this, and yet I know that every time I vow that it’ll change it never does. I need help. I need to just start everything over. I just want to be fucking happy. Is that really too much to ask?

Inevitably I’ll just continue like I always do, floating along and hoping I don’t relapse again. Barely being present most of the time and being stuck in my own head because that’s the only place I can pursue the things that make me happy. Desperately waiting for a big change that’ll never come because I have to make it. But I can’t make it.

If I did for some reason go behind my parents’ backs? I’ve never done something that drastic before. I’m genuinely scared I’d get beaten or abused. I’m scared they’d take away the few things that I do have and that I’ll sink even lower than I was before. I’m sick and tired of waiting but I can’t risk doing it alone.

But anyways Drew is depressed as usual but this time it’s ill!Drew edition so I feel like shit on literally all levels. I know the internet isn’t my personal diary but I don’t have therapy until Thursday and I have nowhere else to go

[margarethelstone]

That Hopelessness of Mine

"She was weary, she was sick, she was completely unable to focus. She, the Astrid Hofferson, the most hard-working student the University of Berk had ever taught, suddenly appeared to be perfectly indifferent to what was happening around her. Her life was an utter mess – and a ridiculously handsome, green-eyed stranger was the last person she needed to meet." Hiccstrid modern AU.

fanfiction.net / AO3

Chapter 1

It looked like Eret had finally gathered the courage to ask Heather out. So what.

She was happy for him. For both of them, really. She had no right to be jealous or disappointed – after all, Eret had only been her best friend for like, her entire life. But hey, that did not mean the bond they had was going anywhere beyond that point, so it would be foolish of her to imagine any kind of romantic future with the bulky brunette by her side. Not that she hadn’t done that, but again, that was not the point. She and Eret were just a pair of crazy friends, the born-together-die-together type, who could never built anything stronger than this weird, a bit flirtatious kind of relationship.

Besides, she cared for Heather even more than she did for him, and she was well aware that the two made in fact a perfect match. She was probably more sure of this than either of them was at the moment.

So why on earth did it hurt so much?

Astrid spluttered in irritation, and threw her books into her old, worn-out bag, trying to ignore the curious glances Ruffnut had been casting on her for the greatest part of the day. She knew she was rather rude ignoring her like she was, but honestly, she couldn’t be bothered. The day had been way too long already, with more than ten hours spent at the university and with no gaps between their classes, and the last thing she needed was explaining her current state to the blonde girl beside her, no matter how well the latter meant.

She was ready to leave the minute her teacher said his goodbyes. She had no idea what he’d been telling them earlier, that however, was no different from her general oblivion to that particular day’s events. She was weary, she was sick, she was completely unable to focus. She, the Astrid Hofferson, the most hard-working student the University of Berk had ever had a chance to teach, suddenly appeared to be perfectly indifferent to what was happening in there, literally. If anything, she wondered why she’d even bothered to get up from her bed that morning.

However determined she was to escape, she failed miserably, as Rachael Thorston once again proved she could conquer the laws of space and time, somehow managing to bar her way just a few steps from the entrance.

Astrid groaned.

“Ruff, I’m too tired for this.”

“Oh, sure, and you think I’ll just let you run away with it, missie? Well, I don’t think so,” the other girl snorted. “You’ve been acting like a beaten dog for the entire day, and that’s not something that happens that often. The Astrid I know doesn’t get all sullen for no reason.”

“Ruffnut, please. Just let go.”

“Let go? So you can walk alone in the night, in that weather, shambling like some sick, light-headed shadow? You won’t even make it to that lousy flat of yours, and I’m certainly not going to scratch off your corpse from some lousy car after you drag your lousy butt on the street and are hit by it. You’re not going anywhere.”

Astrid sighed, praying to all the Saints she could think of that she’d find the strength to deal with her friend for a little bit longer.

“Okay, look,” she started, hoping she would manage to be assertive enough, even though every fibre of her being wished to be anything but that. “First of all, my flat isn’t lousy. Small, uncomfortable, boring maybe, yes, but otherwise it’s fine. Second, my block of flats is literally three minutes away from here, and I only have to cross one narrow street, so I think my butt is pretty safe. Oh, and by the way, thank you for not wanting to deal with my dead body, I always knew I could count on you.”

“You’re not making any sense, Hofferson.”

“Neither are you, Thorston.” Astrid forced herself to smile weakly, not wanting to worry her companion more than she already had. “Listen, you’ve got one more class ahead of you, and we both know you can’t skip this one. And I really don’t feel like spending another hour and a half here, waiting until you’ll be able to walk me home.”

“Fine, then I’m gonna call Tuff,” Ruffnut retorted.

“No! I mean… Oh gosh.”

“What?”

“I don’t need Tuff to walk me home. I don’t need anyone to walk me home! Just let me get out of here, and I promise you I’ll be in my room in no time. I can even text you so you know I’ve made it. Deal?”

Rachael raised her eyebrows in a disbelieving grimace, but nodded nevertheless. Her interlocutor sighed with relief.

“Only promise me you’ll let me know if you need anything,” the former added, relentlessly.

“All I need right now is to change into my pyjamas, get to my bed, and spend the rest of the evening curled up in it drinking tea, eating chocolate and probably mixing those with all the junk food I can find at my place. I’ll be fine.”

“You better be. See you tomorrow, you stubborn mutton head.”

“I love you, too.”

Astrid waved her hand carelessly, and grinned a bit more widely, seeing her friend shake her head in piteous disappointment. It was good to know at least one person cared.

The girl decided to waste no more time, and having turned on her heel, she crossed the threshold, making sure she didn’t jog anyone she was forced to pass.

Even at such an ungodly hour, there were still quite a lot of students buzzing around.

She shivered when a chilly blast of the wind stroke her, and wrapped her long scarf around her head and neck. It really was cold, and rather windy too, and she couldn’t help but think it would be a good idea to finally buy herself a hat, or earmuffs, or better, both. She could also use a jacket that would not be lacking a hood.

Oh, and gloves. She never remembered about gloves.

Either way, Astrid knew that the sooner she stopped pitying herself, the sooner she’d start walking, and as a result, the sooner she’d reach her own bedroom. Her evening plans might’ve been pathetic, but that didn’t make them any less urgent, and if she wanted to make the best of them (however ironic that sounded), she had to hurry.

You couldn’t call an evening special if you went to bed at the usual hour, right?

The young woman folded her arms on her chest, trying to keep as much warmth as possible, thinking about how worried Ruffnut had seemed that day. She understood she must have looked really bad to make her friends act the way she had – to the point when she’d been ready to call her brother and ask him to make sure Astrid’s journey would not be interrupted by any unwanted adventures. She was almost surprised Ruffnut had not suggest asking Snotlout to do that.

‘And that’s another problem we’ll have to deal with,’ she mused inwardly, feeling an unpleasant twinge in her chest. She couldn’t quite tell why watching her friends’ relationship blossom was so unsettling, considering how much impressed she was to see it actually work. And yet, Ruff and Snot being a couple was one thing, them being a successful one was another… but Snotlout actually popping the question was something none of the girls had expected.

Although the poor guy had been turned down at first (“I’m not going to marry you now, idiot!”) Astrid realised that he would not give up, eventually repeating the proposal – and she knew that when that would happen, Ruff would no longer play the unreachable and simply say yes.

To sum up: her best male friend had just started dating her roommate, her best girl friend was inches from being engaged, and from what she’d heard, even Tuff had managed to find someone strong – or crazy – enough to put up with him and his antics. She wasn’t sure what the poor girl’s name was (Cameron? Cambria? Camilla?), but the fact remained – she was the only one in the gang left behind as single.

Except Fishlegs, that is. It wasn’t like he was an option, though.

She blinked repeatedly when a snowflake flew into her eye. It wasn’t snowing too heavily yet, which was why she felt taken aback at first, however, it was enough to make her stumble. She balanced herself easily – unfortunately for her, her great physical skills could not prevent her bag’s strap from falling off, which happened almost simultaneously. Had she not been busy focusing on the snow, she might have caught the bag in time – instead, all she could do was watch it hit the ground with a heavy thud, while its contents spilled all over the footpath, while she couldn’t even fully comprehend the absurdity of the situation.

She snapped out of her stupefaction soon enough, seeing her papers being tossed by the heavy gust that seemed to be growing stronger and stronger with every passing second. She fell on her knees to grab her phone, which was lying just next to the bag, and reached for a notebook that had landed nearby; she was up again the next moment, trying to catch the loose sheets of paper, filled with her precious notes – and she would have succeeded, if not for a thin layer of ice under her shoe. She stumbled again, only this time her reflex didn’t work, causing her to fall forwards, miraculously avoiding meeting the floor with her face.

Her bag hit the ground close to her right hand, once again allowing her belongings to be spread all around. Astrid raised her head a few inches, only to let it fall on the footpath again a moment later.

Now she really wanted to cry.

She felt someone crutch before her; at first, she wanted to jerk up her head and look up at the stranger, probably snapping at them to mind their own business and leave her the hell alone on the ground. Then she realised she didn’t even have the strength to do that much. She was pathetic, and she knew it – but Thor strike her if there was anything she could do about it.

In her mind’s eyes she could see her notes gliding above the pavement, twirling around her, or maybe just flying away in the direction she didn’t even care to check.

She heard the other person clear their throat before her – she was pretty sure it was a man coughing, but then again, she really couldn’t tell for sure; not with her face pressed to the ground, and her thoughts focused on everything but the reality she wanted to escape so badly. The next moment she felt the person shift, stand up and walk away in a hurried pace, as if disgusted by the thought of standing near her for another second. Even though she knew it wouldn't solve anything, Astrid couldn't help but groan.

It was probably the thousandth time she did that day.

‘Go, go, hurry up,’ she yelled inwardly at the stranger, feeling the tears well in her eyes for real. ‘Run away before you get infected with that hopelessness of mine, before you get yourself a virus of being Berk's greatest loser. Leave me here, all alone, just like everybody else, and I'll just die, lonely and forgotten and -’

"Are you alright?"

Good Heaven, he hadn't left.

And yes, it definitely was a man speaking.

Her first reflex was to cover her head with her trembling, freezing arms, and block that part of reality that somehow still managed to get to her; and that's what she did, right before she realised how ridiculous she must have looked, and decided that if she couldn't make herself seem any more reasonable, at least she shouldn't do the opposite, and embarrass herself even further.

She took a deep breath, then another, and using all of the strength she had left, she lifted herself to a sitting position, wiping the tears away in what she hoped to be a discreet manner. She blinked a few times and, assuming the most peaceful expression she could afford, she finally turned towards the man in front of her.

[irarelypostanything]

Unnecessary Arguments - School Board Vice President Ousted Over Tweets

Person #1: Do we really have to talk about this? It’s what I call “outrage news.” It gets clicks. A mob mentality ensues. The word “racist” is slapped onto some target, all context is lost

Person #2: We’re going to talk about this, because I’m REALLY pissed off. A representative of the San Francisco School Board, the same person who claimed that the names “Washington” and “Lincoln” should be changed because Washington and Lincoln were racists, tweeted...and I quote…”Asian American teachers, students, and parents used White Supremacist thinking to get ahead”

Person #1: The context is that, as one student who supports her so eloquently said, she’s being used as a pawn in a larger agenda to restore Lowell from a lottery school to a merit based school

Person #2: And that so-called “agenda” is absolutely justified. Lowell has been a nationally recognized high school because it DOESN’T MATTER what your race, gender, or income status is - if you’re smart enough and you get the grades and you get the scores, you can get into Lowell. Or at least, that’s how it was...until they determined it had too many Asians

Person #1: Well first of all, the point system was a little more complicated than that. Second of all, the argument isn’t that it has TOO MANY White people or Asian people...it’s that it was only 2% Black. I agree that Lowell is a good school and they shouldn’t have taken away merit outright. They could have instituted racial quotas, or modified the point system weighting or something. Instead they just claimed the whole thing was racist and tried to destroy it completely

Person #2: Good, so we agree. And these tweets are racist...not out of context racist, but actually completely, absolutely racist. She referred to Asians by a racial slur, asked why Asians, as a collective whole, weren’t vocal against Trump...then called Asians “the help.” I mean seriously, what the hell? These sound like they were made by a stupid angry teenager who just guessed her older brother’s Twitter password, not an official representing a student body that’s ⅓ Asian

Person #1: Okay, I’m just...tired. Of all this. Can’t we just take a step back, take a breather, maybe chill a bit? Yes, she should delete the Tweets. But I’m just so sick of having these discussions…

Person #2: Why?

Person #1: They were in a middle school. There were Asian middle school students who - and this was corroborated - said very racist and disparaging things to her mixed Black daughter. This really happened, and she strongly felt that the school system did not do enough to address the issues

Person #2: They’re middle schoolers. They don’t have a filter. She’s a parent, an elected official, refusing to apologize for completely racist things she did and said. It’s classic us vs. them thinking

Person #1: Well okay then...us vs. them. By attacking her with such venom, we only perpetuated a cycle of outrage motivated solely by...wait for it...the exact racism we’re trying to stop. How many members of the Twitter and Medium mob do you think shot back with something racist? How many of them, five years from now, are going to be burned at the stake? This is not how social media was intended to be used

Person #2: Right, social media was invented by some hacker in Harvard who just got dumped and decided to rate women by attractiveness. I thought that was made up. Nope. That’s ACTUALLY how Facebook was REALLY invented

Person #1: We have to focus on intention

Person #2: Her intention was to drive a group of people against another group of people on the basis of race

Person #1: Okay, sure. Kind of like when popular left-leaning articles villainize White people...the majority. Or we’ll find feminist articles that villainize men, misogynist articles that do the opposite. I’m not saying this to suggest that racism and sexism and prejudice in general are not horrible - they are

Person #2: Doesn’t sound to me like what you’re saying at all

Person #1: So there were two major shootings. Maybe the one in Georgia was racially motivated...maybe

Person #2: It absolutely was and anyone who says otherwise is living in a fantasy land, ignorantly blissful, clearly having missed or choosing to ignore the images rising up and being spread throughout social media of Asian people being senselessly beaten, black eyes, blood, blood, and more blood

Person #1: Okay, so there you go. The point is, if someone shoots eight people in what essentially amounts to a massacre then...that’s horrible. That’s absolutely horrible. There are steps we can take to reform this. Even the most right-leaning conservatives generally agree in background checks. We have those, but there are some flaws that we can work together to address. And what about using technology to solve some of these problems? We could have…

Person #2: What?

Person #1: Well I don’t know, I’m just kind of thinking out loud. I was going to say “smart gun,” something that maybe uses machine learning and locks up if you’re not in a justified situation

Person #2: That’s the stupidest idea I’ve ever heard

Person #1: Yeah, no, I agree. I apologize for bringing it up

Person #2: I’m tired of racism being swept under the rug

Person #1: I’M tired of racism being used as an excuse to justify more racism. In an ideal world, race would just be...no advantage, no disadvantage, level playing field for all

[multiple-ideas]

Journal 000-21-03-21 TW/ Abuse, Homophobia, Internalized Homophobia, Mentions of Dark Humor/Dark Jokes , Panic Attacks, Sexual Harassment, Undiagnosed/Self-diagnosed Depression, Undiagnosed/Self-diagnosed Anxiety, Mentions of Suicide, Mentions of Death, Trauma (Past Trauma), Mentions of Helicopter Parenting, Self-Harming (not cutting) CW/ Running Away From Home, Deafness, Blindness, Repetition, Fidgeting, Stuttering, Financial Problems, Insomnia, Intrusive thoughts, Not Sharing Anything To Anyone, Religion, Dismissive Attitude, Nonchalant Attitude to Stressful Situations, Bad Coping Mechanisms

BEFORE ANYTHING

Im not sure if I missed a tag, so any other topic relating to those up top, will be discussed, so please PROCEED WITH CAUTION AND THESE IN MIND!

Thank you! Stay safe, and look out for help if you need any while reading these!

--------------------------

Have I told you that I'm literally breaking? That I've been breaking since the 8th grade or probably even before then when my father told me not to tell you that he beat me up in the car parked in-front of our church in grade school?

Have I told you that my back cracks because I slouch a lot to help me curl up into myself and feel safe? Or how I move my leg a lot because if I don't it would feel like tons of needles are pricking it and either way I get tired?

Have I told you how my panic attacks are silent? And that they last for days and days on end but I can't do anything about it because everyone at home calls me and I feel really bad about snobbing whenever I get asked to do something when I'm in that state?

Have I talked about how my brain comes up with the most intrusive thoughts that I couldn't easily comprehend so many things around me? Why I end up staring at something without moving because my body decides to stop everything and stare at literally nothing?

Have I talked about how I couldn't get a lot of your jokes because I genuinely struggle understanding when people tell jokes or not if I haven't heard them before? Because I have an internalized fear that if I'm diagnosed with a mental illness that it'll be twice the struggle you already have with my brother?

Have I told you that I've thought about running away from the house and bringing my brother with me because I couldn't tolerate him being mistreated and beaten up at home all because he couldn't communicate well or he did something because he couldn't tell us what it was? How everything at home seems to be against him? How I took up this course solely for him and no one else, not even my parents?

Have I mentioned how I couldn't think well most of the time? How everything at home confuses me because one minute there'd be shouting and I want to run away with my brother, but the next it'd be safe and sound and everyone's laughing and I don't know whether to label our family as ok because other families fight too, or if there's genuinely something wrong and I have helicopter parents?

Have I talked about how I was gay and not a female? When I was screamed at on the phone in 11th grade by my father who said that I was off with guys around me, who were my close friends that were protective mind you, dating them? How my father told me that maybe I should go home with a boy instead? And that I'd get pregnant at such a young age?

Have you noticed how I didn't rebut saying "IM GAY! WHY WOULD I BOTHER?" because I knew my family was heavily homophobic and religious? How I can't tell them I'm nonbinary or that I'm asexual, or that I'm in the aromantic-spectrum because they wouldn't even bat an eye to listen to me explain how I could like girls more than the 0% of romantic interest I could get from guys?

Have you noticed that I have internalized homophobia? Because even if I was as gay as I come, I still held the strongest to my religion and I feel very dirty and in pain every time I see someone or my brain would link it up to being wrong even if I told someone God Loves All? Because I never truly went by all the things I told someone to comfort them? (Truly, a hypocrite, in the worst way possible) Because I look at my chest or my bottom and I think I deserve to live in whatever I got because of the way everything works around me?

Have I mentioned how I ask for fidget spinners, fidget cubes, rubber bands, lots of pens, lots of rings, earrings and bracelets, because these genuinely help me fidget and calm down to think about something, ONE THING, for that moment? How I don't understand why a lot of my things disappear, even if I know I probably left it somewhere and genuinely forgot I did something?

Have I talked about how I know my sleeping schedule is trash, and that I have a sick sense of humor? That my body is deteriorating and how I can't even hear or see well anymore to the point that I learned sign language (both american and british) because I fear that one day I might need it? And how I used to, and still sort of do, close my eyes walking around home and feeling the walls or the floor to practice if I went somewhat blind?

Have you heard how loudly I laugh when you're at home, or when I think someone is outside of my room (a skill I learned when I was a kid about if my dad was around the house), and you ask why I laugh so loudly, but in reality I'm usually so quiet on my own? How I think about how I want to live alone in a dorm/apartment but even Jillian knows that if I did, I'd starve myself unintentionally & intentionally, and that I'd refuse to talk to anyone or laugh because days like these drag on, but I act like they don't?

Have I mentioned that I talked to my best friend about how I have one twitter account extremely hidden with no followings or anything linked to my others because it's the most hidden and deep account that spills my most traumatizing-centered thoughts and has all my passwords and accounts there too because I fear if I die no one would know why or what I was? That they'd think I was such a loving straight female who didn't even talk to her sibling much or cook?

Have I said that I genuinely do want to learn how to cook, ride a bicycle, learn multiple instruments, get to have pets, know how to clean my laundry, but because of you guys telling me to get away from the kitchen or the laundry place at home when I was younger and until high school, I grew afraid of even cleaning at home, even if cleaning is one of my most favourite things to do at school, at home, or anywhere? How organizing and cleaning is a comfort for me? And that I can't do any of those because I genuinely fear so many things linked to our household?

Have you noticed how I make fun of myself a lot because I never knew how to talk about it before until I saw other people make fun of themselves too? I keep saying I'm not real, or that I'm going to die, did you notice those? How I couldn't remember something and I'd say I have the worst memory ever then proceed to laugh? How I'd stutter like hell doesn't know me and proceed to stop abruptly only to say I have a stupid stutter every time? That I joke around about how I know nothing about household things and I'd be a useless partner?

Have I talked about how I have tried multiple times before to tell someone my problem, but if they talk about it lightly, dismiss it, react softly, don't react much at all, or something, I feel offended, but then put it off as if nothing about it mattered? How I impulsively make everything come off so nonchalantly and it's fine with me, but if I bring that habit up, someone starts to worry about a lot of the things I say?

Have you seen the way I couldn't get close to most people? How I shiver internally whenever someone bothers to hug me if they're not batch 2920 or Tanya, Florence, Mave, Alweya, Farhana, or Salwa? That I can't stand the thought of being kissed anywhere (unless it's Jillian, for personal reasons) that I would literally shiver and freeze at the slightest touch anyone does (especially family members like my Mother or Grandmother who are very touchy) yet I won't explain why?

Have you noticed that I can't stand guys? For if you knew, then you'd know I was sexually harassed and I didn't like how those THS students looked at me, how I didn't like when they surrounded my computer used in the computer laboratory in 10th grade, or how they catcalled me whenever I used to pass by their hallway to pass something to a teacher, did you? How I, even when my clothes are the closes to masculine over feminine, were still being catcalled and looked at like I was an object? How I learned to hate people looking at me and glare back but was also just annoyed that I stopped looking at people in general unless I glare?

Have you noticed how I started to show my love for girls more these years? How I couldn't at all look at romance kissing scenes without going to look away with a face of disgust because truly, I couldn't understand how that works for me? How if I tell someone I like them, I don't genuinely think they would ever like me back and if they do, I don't know what to do and I think I lose my way and lowkey hope they didn't like me too? But feel hurt that they like me back and I should have seen that because now I'm responsible for their emotions too and if they get hurt because of me, it's better that way than getting hurt because of themselves for now knowing I was like this?

Have you seen how I couldn't say my words properly? How I genuinely can't get my thoughts across without blabbering for so long? Or that I've wanted help with my brain's thoughts and my antics, but I didn't want to spend my family's money on something that's so small (I think)? How I didn't want my family to worry about me at all so I don't tell them about these?

Have you noticed how I don't like buying things for myself unless it's for school? How I literally keep my money in the wallets you give me and I put my money only in the slingbag because the wallets are full and I don't know when to bring it up to you that I have money saved for you to use? That I told you "thank you" every time you gave me something but I was so hesitant to receive it every time because, why would you spend money on someone like me?

Have you noticed how I was so confused on my 18th birthday when my Grandfather said "We wish to be like her (me)" because I genuinely didn't know and still don't know what you guys see from me? What do you see? What part of me seems like I could be a good role model?

Have you seen the way I comfort other people? How I can't last any second seeing someone sad, hence why I can't take jokes easily because I worry that they're genuinely sad or in need of help? That I'm open-minded and understanding to a lot of things because my family members weren't? Because I grew up reading and being alone even with a barrage of people surrounding me as friends in grade school, I couldn't recall anything about myself from then unless told about?

How I thought about my undiagnosed depression, anxiety, and other things I still refuse to mention in fear that I might be making all of this up? How in 9th grade I walked around the science laboratory room banging my head on the wall and ending up curled up under the main desk trying to silence myself while 3 other classmates were there, who then proceeded to call my best friend for help? How the 9th to 11th grades were me in my deepest eras that I couldn't walk at school for hours and days and how Jillian had to help me walk around to get used to it before I got to go home and act like it never happened?

Have you seen how I keep sleeping on days I get silent? Because though sleep is hard for me, I force myself to sleep and hate myself through my thoughts for more reason to avoid being awake and drift into a space where I can't recall what happened when I wake up?

How I keep typing all of these, over and over and over again, yet I could never get over the past? How all of these are things that happened before that I drag on until today because I couldn't see them leave my life at all?

How these keep piling up and crawl up my back like the simplest air dust speck flowing through the wind to bother me? But I act like it's not there and keep living on my days?

It's... a lot. And if you reached this point, I'm sorry that you did.

It's a whole lot-

Why are you reading this

I should be studying for my 2020-2021 2nd semester midterms... I really should... but I want to sleep... I probably will... Maybe...

'Till then. This is log 000-21-03-21

I know there's a lot more I wish to add, but for now. This is it.

[strange-down-here]

Bruises (Peter Parker Soulmate Au)

Summary: Your soulmate gets bruises everyday, making you worried sick. Your brother, Flash, accidently helps finding your soulmate.

A/n: This is my first one shot I’ve ever written in English because it’s not my main language so there are probably a lot of spelling and grammar mistakes. I’ve decided to post it nevertheless because of the amazing @tommoholland2013! 

You were used to waking up in pain. The bruises on your body were becoming normal. Your soulmate was getting new ones everyday. And you were too, since you were connected with him. But still, you were worried sick. What was happening to him? You could only imagine what was going on and it drove you crazy. Who was he? What was his name? How old was he, what were his obsessions and habits? Did he like sports or was he more interested in physics, art? It was a mystery you were burning to know. But sadly you haden’t met him yet. The only evidence was the bruises.

Today you woke up to another one. This one was a large one on your hip. It was bright blue, looked fresh and ached like hell. Your whole body was covered in yellow, green and blue bruises, all from your soulmate. You took some pain killers that stood on your nightstand and gulped them down. Another thing that has become normal to you. You couldn’t do anything else against it. Standing up hurt like hell and you scrunched your face, cussing silently. Why did it have to ache so badly?

“Another bruise?” You spun around only to groan in pain. Your brother, Flash, was standing at the doorframe, his eyes covered in worry. You nodded and showed him your hip. “I’m worried”, you admitted and looked at your feet. In the next moment you were wrapped in a hug, your head leaning on his shoulder and his chin resting on your head. You heard him sigh. He was always worried about your well being, silently cursing your soulmate because he hurt you too. “It’s gonna be okay”, he whispered while caressing your back.

“I can’t do this anymore, Flash. What is happening to him? I want to get to know him and hold him in my arms, not letting him go so he is safe.”, You cried, tears making your sight blurry. He sighed again, “You have to be strong for him, for you. You will find him and everything is going to be alright.” You sniffed and wiped your tears away. He was right. You had to be strong. For him.

“You have to get ready, we’re leaving in ten.”, Flash said and let go of you. You nodded, “Yeah…”

School was tiring. Even though you had taken pain killers your hip was throbbing, keeping you awake and aware that your soulmate was hurting as well. You sat alone at the very back of the classroom, leaning your head on the desk. You couldn’t concentrate and started drifting off when your teacher Mrs Henry called your name.

“Would you pay attention, Miss Thompson?” You sighed, trying not to make it worse by saying anything back to her. Mrs Henry was a small woman in her late fifties. She was strict and unfair. She preferred some students over others and hated you because of no particular reason. She just did and gave you a hard time. Thankfully the class was over and lunch began.

You’ve put your books in your locker and looked at a photo nearly two years ago where you had no alarming bruises, no pain, no worries. You sighed and slammed your locker shut, pushing your feelings away. Time to eat, you were starving.

You were waiting for Flash to pick you up for ten minutes. You were getting annoyed, he had PE last class and he was always here on time. You sighed, sitting on the engine cowling and looked at your phone screen. No messages. You unlocked your mobile.

To Flash:

Where r u?

I’m waiting..

You turned it off and that’s when you saw the big black eye. You had a black eye. You gasped touching it. “Ow!”, you exclaimed. It hurt like hell. Some people turned to look at you, immediately finding the black eye only to see your jaw turn blue. You moaned, “What the…?”

“Seems like your soulmate gets beaten up, Thompson”, shouted a football player. “Oh fuck off!”, a sudden voice hissed. It was MJ, One of your best friends. You two befriended after you had been assigned lab partners and helped each other with homework, helped each other when one of you needed it. “I hope he’s okay”, she said. “Yeah, me too.” “If you ever need something, then call me. But you better call your brother now, see you tomorrow.” You smiled at her and dialed his number. It took a minute but he finally answered, “What’s up?” “Why are you late?”, you asked.

“Had to talk to someone, I’m sorry. Can you wait five minutes?”, he sounded out of breath. Probably because of PE. “Please, hurry. My soulmate’s got beaten up again, Flash. I have a black eye and my jaw is completely blue. It hurts and i took my last painkillers at lunch.”

You heard him suck in his breath. “No”, he whispered. “What? Flash, just come! Talking hurts like hell!”, you grumbled. You ended the call, taking a look in the front camera. “Why…”, you whispered to yourself and closed your eyes.

When your brother came into view he said no word. He looked nervous, almost guilty, only to snap at you when you asked him a few times what had happened. “Oh my god, just shut up. You’re so annoying! Can’t you just stop talking about that soulmate bullshit?” You went still, shocked to your bones. You heard him scream at some people at school but he never yelled at you. You sniffed your nose holding the tears back. You were done after all these things that happened today. He knew you were worried about your soulmate but he let you down when you needed his comfort the most.

He stopped at a red light and you took your backpack to get out of the car. “Where are you going?”, he asked annoyed, “Get in, come on!” You shook you head. “No, bye Flash.”, you said, backing your rucksack and walking down the street to your favorite cafe intending to stay there until dinner. You were angry and wanted to calm down before facing Flash again. He was a dick, yes, but you didn’t want to say things you would regret in the morning. 

After you had sat down on your usual spot in a cozy corner, you looked at your phone.

Two missed calls from Flash

(12) messages from Flash

You read them, sighing.

(Y/N)?

Where are you?

I’m sorry

Come back

Please

(Y/N)

Come on

Really?

How childish

I’m really pissed

Come back now, don’t be stupid!

Fine! Don’t come home! Piss off!

You tried holding your tears back as the waiter put your hot chocolate in front of you. “It’s on the house, sweetie.”, she rubbed your back before going back to the counter. Now, there was no holding back. You sobbed pathetically in the back corner of your favorite cafe hoping that your life would somehow change to the better.

After you had gathered yourself up again you called MJ, hoping she would pick up soon. And she did. “Hey?” “Hey, MJ. Can I stay over at your place?” “Sure, are you home?” “No, I’m at the cafe.”, you said while gathering your things, “I’m coming.”

You told her everything and she listened. MJ never interrupted you while you spoke, a thing you really appreciated about her. And at the end she told you her honest opinion. “I think it was good not to snap back at him, but I think you should talk, let him explain what happened, why he snapped at you. But only if you’re ready and in control of your emotions. If you don’t feel calm enough, you can stay over and decide tomorrow what you’ll do.”

You nodded and turned off your phone, not wanting any distraction tonight. You two were talking all night until you both eventually fell asleep.

The next day you decided to go home. It was Saturday, so you didn’t have to worry about school. Your mom scolded you and gave you house arrest. She took your phone and laptop so the only thing you could do was doing your homework since Flash was avoiding you. You tried to talk to him but he would just ignore you, so you decided not to waste your time.

It was Monday and your mom still had your phone. You’ve received another bruises on your arms and legs over the weekend. After you’ve covered your bruised up, you noticed that Flash left without you, leaving you to take the subway. “Hurry up, honey. Here’s you mobile, I think you’ll need it.”, your mom said, “Bye, love you!” You raced the stairs down to the next subway station, squeezing into the subway, holding onto a random pole. Not noticing the person next to you who had the exact same bruises on your face as you. You turned on your phone, reading the messages from MJ and your friends. You scrunched you nose.

To MJ:

Hey, MJ. My mom took my phone. I’m on the subway, cause Flash ditched me. What’s the matter?

From MJ:

Poor u.. I think I might know who ur soulmate is.

You choked on your spit nearly dropping your phone in the progress. “You’re okay?”, someone asked besides you. Surprised, you looked at him. Your chin dropped. It was Peter Parker. “Your bruises…”, you whispered with wide eyes. Your phone vibrated again.

From MJ:

It’s Peter Parker. I think I saw him yesterday and he had bruises like yours.

But you didn’t bother to read the message. You asked the probably most important question in your whole life, “Do you have a big bruise on your hip and others on your legs and arms?” His eyes went also wide, probably catching up, “Oh my god, don’t tell me… I’m so sorry… I.. are you…?” You laughed nervously, “I… how? I mean, why? I was so worried, are you okay?” He laughed, “No… I mean yes! I’m fine!” Your gaze dropped onto his shirt. It had some physics joke on it. You smiled. You had a feeling you would get along just fine. “Good, but can you tell me the reason why you’ve got those bruises?” You saw him tensing up, “ Not here. Let’s talk at school?”, he asked really nervously, fumbling with the hem of his shirt. You furrowed your eyebrows. “We don’t have any classes together today, I think.” “Ew. Monday sucks twice now… lunch?”, he asked hopefully. “Yeah, sure.”

Classes were taking forever today. Neither Flash, MJ nor Peter were in your classes, but you kept on texting with MJ.

To MJ:

He was on the subway. We talked. OMG MJ I’ve found my soulmate!

From MJ:

Do you know why he has those bruises?

To MJ:

No.. we’re talking at lunch

I’m so nervous I can’t concentrate

From MJ:

Chill, I’m sure he’ll tell you everything

To MJ:

Ur probably right but still.. It has to be serious

He seemed nervous.

From MJ:

It’s gonna be alright, don’t worry.

Finally, it was lunch. You raced to your locker, now realizing that Peter’s was across from yours, as you saw him shoving his books into his. You bit your lip and walked up to him, tapping on his shoulder. He turned around, smiling when he saw you. You found yourself smiling as well. “Ready for the real talk?”, you asked playfully. He nodded, “Just let me take this with me.” He took a bag pack out of his locker and shouldered it. You held your hand out and he took it, leading you into an empty classroom. His hands were a little bit sweaty but you didn’t mind. Your heart was beating, bursting at the seams. You sat down next to each other.

“I’ve searched so long and you have been always there. I was so dumb”, you sighed. “Do you know what Flash did last Friday”, he began, alarming you. “What happened?”, you asked, taking his hand in yours. He looked at it, then intertwined your fingers, “We were arguing like always and then I said something and he punched me in the face. He got a call and left.”

You squeezed his hand and traced his bruises with your other hand. “That pisser. That was me, telling him that my soulmate has gotten hurt again. He was mad, I left and slept at MJ’s. Got house arrest because of that”, you chuckled, tracing his lips now, “Seems like you’re a bad influence, Peter.” He sucked in his breath, eyes locked on your lips. “Am I?” You nodded, starting to lean forward. “I’m Spiderman”, he blurted. You blinked a few times, “Sorry, what?”

He opened his bag showing a familiar red and blue suit. “That’s where my bruises are from.”, he mumbled. “Oh”, you bit your lip, “My soulmate is Spiderman. Huh.” “Yeah…”, he scratched his neck. You slapped him. “Ow!” 

“Do you know how worried I’ve been? I thought you have been beaten up or something like that! Couldn’t you be a little more careful? I was crying because…”, you stopped, searching for words. “Because what?”, he asked. You breathed heavily, “Because… because I cared for you even when I didn’t know who you were.” “I’m sorry. I really am.”, he said taking your other hand in his as well, “I’m gonna make it up. I’ll make sure to make it up the next fifty years and more.” Your breath was caught in your throat, but you smiled. “That sounds okay?”, you nodded, “Good. Does that mean I also get to do this?” 

He leaned forward and when you didn’t move, closing the gap between your lips and making your knees go giddy. You kissed him back, running your fingers though his locks and pushing yourself against him. You hoped this would never have to end. He was being so gentle, running his fingers over your palm and resting his other hand on the exposed skin on your hip, where your bruise was, his fingers ghosting over it. He pulled slowly away, leaning his forehead against yours. The lunchbell rang. You sighed, of course you had to deal with reality again. And with Flash. You were going to talk to him. 

“We should go”, Peter said, eyes still closed, licking his lips. “We should, probably”, you agreed, “I’d rather stay like this.” He smiled, “Me too.” You kissed him again and whispered against his lips, “I’ll talk with Flash after school. He’s going to regret punching my soulmate.” He chuckled, “It’s okay. We got together this way”, he mumbled, kissing your cheek. “Together?”, you asked, smiling. “Well, would you like to be my girlfriend?” He looked into your eyes, smiling nervously, a tint of red on his cheeks. You nodded, “Yeah, I’d like that, soulmate.”

[maddieziegler-news]

Another rant because abuse is no joke and I’m done of people using it/making a competition out of it for the sake of their own sick argument

So I read @dancemomsshenanigans super personal post about the recent drama (Maddie calling DM “the worst” and her abuse on the show) earlier today and first of all, thank you for being brave and putting this out there, it really touched me because I experienced really similar things and I was super hurt reading some of the comments yesterday who said Maddie didn’t have it bad, others had it worst etc. and I actually had to stay away from tumblr for a bit because it brought back so many bad memories of my childhood. But I decided to be brave too and just tell you guys a bit about emotional abuse and what it did for me. I don’t really care if anyone reads this, this is for some of you, yes, to see what it can be like, but it’s mainly for me because I just need to get it off my chest because I felt hurt yesterday and still do. Warning this will be messy, bad writing and briefly talk about suicidal thoughts, sorry about that but I’m not feeling like proof reading or polishing it right now.  To give some background information: My parents got divorced when I was 7, I grew up with my dad because my mum didn’t want me, I have been having really bad seperation anxiety till then. My dad is a really strict person and he struggled a lot raising a daughter by himself with no help of my mother or any other family members. When I was 10 he taught me the rules for chess and then put me into a chess club (wanted to help me with my concentration because i was super hyperactive). It turned out I was really talented at it. In a matter of only a few months I made it on all the teams and became team captain of the under 12 team super fast and was even put on the team of the 20-year olds. Most kids who do chess seriously start at age 4, they grow up with it and all the competitions etc, I was just thrown in and it was a mess. I was really good, I immediately made it in all the competitive teams my club had and qualified for the German national championships (and you had to go through a lot of comps to qualify) in my first year competing and from there the nightmare started. I got into the national squad (not sure if you call it that in English??) for the most gifted which were super strict, you had to attend competitions every month and had to win a certain amount to stay on the team, you had to take exams and attend very hard training camps on a regular basis and I trained every single day for at least 6 hours (after like 6-8 hours of school). I also had games every weekend with the teams from the club I trained at which I had to attend on top of that, I missed sooo many weeks of school during a year, it was crazy. As you can imagine, this was a very competitive world. Trust me, the “chess world” is just as crazy as the dance world, only that you’re surrounded by far more men (a nightmare). And then the trouble started: All my teachers told my dad I was the most talented student they ever had and how I could win world-championships etc. He then got all crazy and put immense pressure on me. I already told you I suffer from seperation anxiety, I had already lost my mum, I was not gonna lose my dad too. So I trained and trained although I didn’t even like it that much at that point. I liked winning against grown men and seeing their ego suffer when beaten by a little girl, I liked the feeling of winning, I liked all the travelling at first, but I did not love it and for being a competitive chess player on this level, you had to love it or you’ll break eventually. My dad used to scream at me for losing, he was disappointed and it broke my heart, so I tried to please him and do as good as I could. But it wasn’t only my dad, I had lots of teachers and I’m telling you, they were the worst. I had some calling you names when you lost, they’d call you stupid, talentless, they said I had “no brain”, that girls couldn’t play chess and I just proved that, that I was worthless and all that jazz. But I could actually handle that, as sick as that sounds. It helped me be better because those teachers, they didn’t expect anything from me, they had called me worthless so I thought there was no way I could disappoint them more than that and that actually took the pressure off of me. I felt this way because of the way others  had treated me. Because my other teachers and my dad, they would be disappointed, they would tell me how talented I was and how I was letting them down, myself down, everyone down, how I could do so much better, how I wasn’t trying hard enough, not training enough. How I wouldn’t appreciate all they did for me (my dad travelling with me, paying the bills I never asked for that i didn’t even want it!). They would make me feel soooo bad, I could never live up to their expectations. Damn, they saw me as the next world champion, so whatever I did before I was one, it would never please them. And until you become world champion, there are years of work ahead of you and I started with only 10, not 4! I was behind, even if here in Germany I was winning almost everything, I was damn behind. So I knew whatever I did, no matter how much I won, no matter how well I did, it would never be enough. And this was only chess, my dad was just as strict for school. “School comes first”, that’s what he used to say, so when I got an A-, he would flip and demand to know why I didn’t get an A, when I got an A, why not an A+. This was my reality. I missed so much school, I had no time for homework or studying, but was still expected to bring home only A’s. One of my school teachers who helped me miss so much school by pursuading our headmaster to let me go then got invested as well. I got permission to go to a national competition for a week and then I was back he asked me my placement and I told him I got 9th (out of like 200) and the way he looked at me, so disappointed, almost accusing, it was awful. It was like, “I let you miss school for a week and you only got 9th place??” and I was already upset about that placement, I had messed up big time and I was upset and then I did now also have to deal with a teacher at school being upset, not only my dad and countless teachers. It never stopped. The expectations to always be the best, to always win, even if I was the youngest, they were too much. I once attended a comp in a town one of the teachers of the national team lived at, so I slept at his home and he took me to the comp and the first day I lost my match (which I expected, I had to play against the strongest participant in that comp and it was internation and really big) and when we got back home and his wife asked how it went he just said I blew it and messed up big time and all this in a very accusing tone, I was devastated. There was no way I was winning against that Russian who was a professional chessplayer (meaning he earned his money attending comps and winning them!) and I personally thought I had done a great job because our match lasted almost 6 hours and I really made him work for the win! But no, here I was, getting accused of not having tried at all. Later in the same comp I won in a really great match and the teacher was so proud of me and kept praising me and I felt good again and tried to please him and started to think that maybe, I really didn’t try hard enough before. Perhaps they were all right and I was not doing enough, needed to train even more. That’s then I started staying up till like 2am every day to fit in more training time. I was exhausted in school, I was tired, I was upset, I was done. I started to mess up my games. I would start strong, I would have a winning match on the board, but then I would freak out by thinking about how bad everyone would react if I lost it now and that would then make me lose my games. In a chess comp everyone can go watch your games, they can walk past your table and watch your game while you play it. My dad never did because it made me nervous and he actually accepted that, but my teachers sure did. So this one teacher would walk past, stand there, stare at the board and see that I was winning. Then he would walk away and I knew he knew I was winning and I would freak out. I started to actually mess up some games because of that. After a game I had to always analyse it with my teacher (during the game you write down all the moves), so we would sit down somewhere and play the game I just played on the board and he would comment on everything I did wrong. Now imagine having lost a winning game, it was horrible. So I had to deal with him again and his anger and him being upset and him telling me how I could do so much better. Also I didn’t even talk about the other kids who competed and had the same teachers, they knew I was the “talented one”, the one the teachers loved. Haha, yes, they sure did love me. I might have gotten most of the attention, but I absolutely hated it. It turned my friends against me (who i needed more than ever), it made me feel uncomfortable, it put me on a pedestal and set me up to fail. When they lost, it was nothing special, when I lost, it was the end of the world. Our teachers would make comments in front of everyone, everyone would look at me to see if I snapped, if I cried, if I broke, they were just waiting for it (and i can’t blame them). It was hell and I will never foget this one day, it was during winter and I just had lost a game. I was devastated, I didn’t dare to go into our hotel room and tell my dad, so I went outside. I considered ending my life there and then. I had been suicidal, but this day, that was the worst. I will never forget it. I didn’t do it, I couldn’t really think, I didn’t really have any strength, so I just walked and lay down in the snow somewhere and didn’t get up for several hours till I couldn’t feel my body anymore due to the cold. Now my boy felt like my insides, cold and numb. I don’t really remember what happened after that, but I did face my dad and his disappointment. I was 13 then, I continued to play chess competitively till I was 17.

4 more years. 4 more ears of this shit, but I grew stronger and somehow managed it all. I lost my “love” for the game (i don’t even know if i ever loved it, or just liked it), I could never find out how much I liked it on my own because from the day I walked into this club, my life had changed and everyone around me thought they could dictate it for me, had it all planned out for me. Knew what my future was going to be (travelling the world, winning comps and earning my money like that). No one asked what I wanted, no one cared. I wish I had had a mother with me, just someone at home protecting me. I don’t like Christi, I really don’t, but I always wished I had a mum who would scream at my teachers like that, who would go crazy seeing how I was treated. It can make such a huge difference. You can be treated like shit, but if you know you have someone sticking up for you, you know you have a home to go to where you will be save and loved, it makes such a differnce. That’s when I was most angry with Melissa. She used to just sit there when Kenz or Maddie were treated like shit, she didn’t do a thing. Maybe sometimes that was for the best because Abby would take out her anger with a parent on the kid, but I still wish she would have done something. I remember when Abby was crying when the moms refused to let the kids in the studio and then later Maddie was with her and Abby cried and told her how she let her down etc, it broke my heart because this reminded me so much of some situation I had to go through. The teacher putting all their own problems on the student, the parents doing nothing. Maddie didn’t have Melissa to stick up for her, she was pretty much alone. Having someone who sticks up for you is so important. You can somehow deal with the screaming, with the craziness because you know someone will have your back, will fight for you, will tell your teacher how messed up they are. I wish I had had someone like this fight for me, but I did not. I was alone, I kept all my anger and anxiety and hurt inside, didn’t tell anyone and it ate me. It destroyed me, it drove me into depression. I am 23 now and I’m still messed up. I want to please everyone, I have to be the best at everything I do, I’m scared of letting my prof down in case my exam isn’t a perfect 100% because I know he thinks highly of me and now I can’t let him down. I actually hate it when people tell me they think highly of me because this means I will disappoint them at some point, I will let them down. I prefer people not noticing me or thinking I’m not that good so I can prove them wrong. It’s easier that way for me. But at the same time I want them to notice me, I want them to see I can do it and that I’m good at what I do. It’s a vicious cicle and I can’t get out. I’m caught in it, I know what’s wrong, I know what was done to me was wrong, I know that, but it doesn’t help much. I learned to deal with it somehow. I have developed techniques to deal with my anxiety, things I always tell myself whenever it starts again. But it will be here with me forever. I don’t think I’ll ever really get over it. It’s the result of years and years of emotional abuse. I wasn’t aware that what was happening to me was wrong. I was just a kid who wanted to make everyone happy, live up to their expectations. When someone screamed at me and called me names, I knew that was wrong, I had been told that. You don’t call people names. So I was hurt, but I knew I was in the right. That’s how I managed it. But the emotional abuse, you don’t see it, you don’t know it’s happening, you start thinking you are the problem, you start hating yourself and it messes you up. Just because you don’t “see” emotional abuse as clearly as verbal abuse doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt just as much, that it can’t mess you up, because it does. It broke me. More than any words ever could. Now I’m not saying it’s worse than verbal abuse, it was for me, personally, worse. Everyone is different, everyone struggles with different problems. I suffered from seperation anxiety due to my paren’t divorce, I was already prone to wanting to please people and emotional abuse plays with that, it plays with your feelings, it makes you feel like you are the problem. So for me personally it was horrible. For another person the verbal abuse can break them. But that’s not the question, it doesn’t matter which kind of abuse you go through, what matters is that you were hurt, someone hurt you and it’s not your fault and no one, no one is allowed to tell you how to feel about it, how to deal with it. No one should say “so and so is dealing better with it”, you don’t know shit. You don’t know what’s going on in someone’s life, you don’t know what demons might hunt them, you know nothing. It’s not your right to judge other people’s feelings, to make a competition out of fucking child abuse! You don’t like Maddie, you don’t like Chloe, I don’t fucking care, but don’t you dare make a competition out of something which was abuse and which hurt them. It only shows you don’t really care about any of them because using a dark chapter of someone’s life for your own sick argument is the worst! You also only saw one side to it on reality TV, you don’t know what happened behind closed doors, you don’t know anything. Also yes, they will probably not see what you wrote, but others do. Othes who have experienced something similar and I can tell you for sure that I was hurt. Because a lot of stuff which happened to Maddie, happened to me and I personally did not deal well, I suffered and reading how she had it good because she was praised and put on a pedestal, it fucking hurts and I’m telling you right now, I did not want any of that, I hated it and it was just a little part in a much bigger game, the problem was far more complex, it always is and what you see is such a little bit of the real issue going on. Even in this way too long and very messy post (sorry about that!), I only told you one small part of what happend to me, a small glimpse, I left out the worst, I left out so much, I just took some things to paint a picture. You never know what’s going on in someone’s life, even if you think you might because a huge part of it was shown on TV and it’s wrong to judge them and their feelings. Maddie was only 8 when the show started, she didn’t have a mum fighting for her, defending her, she was on TV, cameras following, increasing the pressure already on her. I am honestly so impressed how she dealt with it and I am so happy that Sia is in her life and such a good influence. Telling her to only do what makes her happy and all that, I would have needed such a woman in my life, it makes such a difference. I feel for Maddie, I can imagine what she went through and it’s not as glorious as many of you believe. All the girls suffered, each differently because they are different persons and were treated differently and had to deal with different problems. It’s not anyone’s right to judge that, to compare it, to make a sick competition out of it. It just shows your disregard for any of their feelings and it’s sick and I’m sick of it and I won’t discuss this with you either, it’s just wrong. Neither of us know what goes on, really goes on in their lifes and how they feel. I don’t know what Maddie felt, I can only imagine it because similar things happened to me, but I don’t know. And that’s all, have a good day. 

[makotothedweeb]

rant [VERY LONG]

NOTE: THIS IS VERY LONG, AND HAS SOME TRIGGERS. IF YOU WANT TO CONTINUE READING, GO UNDER THE CUT.

Trigger Warnings:

Suicide attempt.

Swear words. A lot of swear words.

Mentions of ableism, racism, and LGBTQIA+ hatred (things I’ve experienced)

Underage drinking and sex. (aka what most creatures my age do or are suspected/expected to do)

Someone assaulted me last school year, and got away with it, the “school” claiming, “there wasn’t enough evidence of an assault” (the room was full of people, and the teacher was ignoring me). 

I’ve been bullied virtually my whole life, for being different. I’ve reported it, and reported it, and reported it, and reported it, and reported it, AND REPORTED IT, and nobody bothered to help me. Those who did obviously didn’t care enough (aka put enough effort). 

Then there’s the student code of conduct, which REALLY fucking pisses me off:

{”A student, who is assaulted and retaliates by hitting, kicking, or any other physical means, may be disciplined for fighting. [...]”}

in a nutshell, this is saying that students shouldn’t fight back when assaulted. 

I never hit the cunt back (I should’ve, though), but this infuriates me. 

The Second Amendment of the Constitution says:

...Implying/saying that the citizens of the United States or America can defend themselves. THIS IS A FEDERAL LAW. 

The photo above is the student code of conduct for my district. All I have to say is:

WHAT THE HELL ARE THEY EXPECTING ASSAULTED STUDENTS TO DO?!? LET THEMSELVES BE BEATEN UP??!! LET THEMSELVES POSSIBLY GET LIFE-THREATENINGLY WOUNDED OR KILLED EVEN?!!?

And if you don’t fight back against assault, you get asked, “Well, why didn’t you fight back?”

MAYBE BECAUSE YOUR BULLSHIT OF A STUDENT CONDUCT SAYS I CAN’T????

Because I don’t act like a “normal” student ((aka (1) going outside every day after school and jerking off to every guy I know and getting drunk and smoking crack, (2) wearing half-tops and tights and a shitton of makeup, and (3) having a boyfriend like “every other girl” in my school does)), nobody is willing to help me with my problems, if they do, not but much. i know for a FACT it’s because of who I am.

I live in a mainly black city. Most white people who live in said city are automatically interpreted as racist. I’m NOT racist (never have been, and never will be), but obviously nobody cares about my opinion. 

Like I said, I don’t jerk off to every guy i know nor do i have 5 million boyfriends like every other girl who goes to my school, nor do I have any intention to; I’m grayromantic asexual, and I have a severe genophobia.

I’m nonbinary; I’m sexually a girl, but my gender is nonbinary. I hate makeup, and only use it for cosplay. I hate dresses and skirts (partly because when I wear one everyone calls me a slut but fusses at me when I don’t wear a dress/skirt at formal events) also. If i don’t wear 666 tons of makeup every day everyone hates me. Well, excuuuse me for having an opinion. 

I have autism. The quack of an “elementary school” I went to knew I had symptoms of autism, just didn’t bother to help my family and I about it. I naturally act different from everyone else. 

SOCIETY HATES ANYONE AND EVERYONE WHO ISN’T A CISHETERO OR A NEUROTYPICAL, WHICH IS WHY SOCIETY INFURIATES ME, AND THE REASON OF MY DEPRESSION. JUST BECAUSE I HAVE AUTISM AND I’M LGBTQIA+ EVERYONE USES MY DIFFERENCE AS AN EXCUSE TO DISRESPECT ME AND GET AWAY WITH PEOPLE [BASICALLY] MENTALLY TORTURING ME. AFTER OVER A DECADE OF THIS SHIT YOU GET TIRED OF IT. I’M SICK OF IT. I’M FUCKING SICK OF IT. I’VE GOTTEN UP TO THE POINT WHERE I MADE A SUICIDE ATTEMPT A FEW YEARS AGO [I didn’t go through with it because I found a (pathetic) will to live]. 

When it comes to this shit (what I first talked about at the beginning of this post), this is what I say:

Whether I’m LGBTQIA+ or not, I’m an American citizen.

Whether I’m nonbinary or not, I’m an American citizen.

Whether I’m autistic or not, I’m an American citizen. 

I have the same rights an American cishet neurotypical, like it or not. I exist. I’m different from “normal” people my age. 

Don’t like it? 

I can’t afford to give any shits anymore. At this point, I’m completely DONE dealing with it. I don’t care. 

Yes, I’m different from “normal” people and have the same rights as “normal” people. 

If you don’t like it...

DIE MAD ABOUT IT.

[twxntrash]

We’ll Burn it All Down Ch. 1

Authors Note: Since this fic is going to have quite a bit of dark content in it, I’m going to tag at the beggining of each chapter I post on here anything that might trigger readers.

“Logdate; September 1st, 2017,” Peridot mumbled as she spoke into her Sony recorder, her voice low as she sat at her table in the lunchroom so that only the Sony device could hear her giving her digital journal entry. “You know? I’ve always thought myself as a good person, sure, I’ve made mistakes, but who hasn’t? I like to think that everyone’s good on the inside. But, here we are. First day of senior year. I look around at all these people who I’ve known for years, and I wonder; What happened?”

She let her eyes roam the spacious room and glanced at the students that sat and moved. She could think of all the names in her head that she’d seen them get called or that they’d called others through the many years of school. Freak. Slut. Four-Eyes. Lard-Ass. These students would be called that, and then they’d turn around and lash at someone else with the same names. A vicious, hateful cycle.

Peridot sighed as she tugged at one of the drawstrings of her green hoodie as she put her recorder back in her bag. Her hoodie was several sizes too big for her, but it was comfortable, and in the end, that was all she really cared about. Comfort over style. Despite it being the first day of school, Peridot was stuck sitting alone today. Her usual tablemate of her entire life at school and her best friend, Amethyst Gartner, was sick today and couldn’t make it to the first day of school, leaving Peridot on her own in this jungle.

She almost expected the students to actually be nice, but that proved wrong. The seniors instantly began picking on the freshmen and other seniors. Despite the summer break and being a bit older, they were still behaving as they did the previous four years. Out of the corner of her eye, she watched some football players shove a student over and knocked their tray to the ground, watched as another table watched and laughed at the display.

This was her high school, but it was less a school and more of a Thunderdome.

What happened to the good old days of grade school? She could remember with clarity back when they were little kids, taking naps together, playing and laughing together. They always stood up for one another, were always so happy to play, never judging, never hurting. She remembered playing tag with these people, playing hide and seek, sharing cookies and crayons. Always so happy, always so kind. But, then they got bigger, they got bigger and meaner. Formed their cliques, declared war, turned school life and childhoods into a war zone.

It took all Peridot had for self-control to remember to just breathe, take deep breaths and relax so as to not let the Hell around her brought upon by her classmates to get to her. Nothing would be achieved if she got angry at everyone. In middle school and freshman year, she’d lashed out at the entire world in her frustration at those around her and she barely made a dent. All it did was waste energy and time. Just, hold her breath, count to ten.

All she had to do was survive for nine more months. Nine months, thirty-six weeks, two hundred and fifty-two more days. Just count them down one day at a time and before she knew it she’d be graduating.

College was going to be a paradise in comparison if she wasn’t dead by June.

Peridot took another deep breath to calm down when she felt a student shoulder check her and trip, yelling out that she needed to watch it despite her being seated and not at fault. Just another day of the same things. Despite how self-centered and conceited these people were, they were still people. They could be good people again like when they were all little. If they changed into such jerks, who was to say they couldn’t change to be good and kind again once they were older?

Maybe she was just a hopeless optimist.

She wanted desperately to believe that everyone could be good despite how horrible they were. But, high school really made it hard to believe that. No matter where you were on the totem pole, you harassed and abused someone else. The ones at the top were the ones that made her have the hardest time trusting that there were good in these people.

The blonde glanced over at the table at the center of the lunchroom where the group resided. The Queens of the high school and two of the most infamous football players on the team.

She glanced at the first, a behemoth of a woman with a long mane of bleached white hair. Her skin was dark, but it had lighter patches which gave her an almost tiger-like appearance. Jasper Gartner. One of the two females on the football team and one of the biggest students in the entire school. Third year as a linebacker for the Beach City football team and fifth year of smacking lunch trays and being a huge clod. She was one of the worst bullies in the entire school, terrorized anyone and everyone just for the joy of it.

Honestly? Jasper hadn’t always been so bad. She was just another example of how drastic people changed. The woman had been for the longest time a grade ahead of Peridot. But, she’d been held back a year in the seventh grade after failing, and the two had been in the same grade ever since. They’d known each other for even longer before that. Back in elementary school, the two had been friends, she’d looked up to Jasper as a big sister. While Jasper had always been the biggest of her class, Peridot had always been the smallest. As a little kid, she’d been rather weak, she got sick pretty easily and was a bit on the frail side. Jasper had taken to looking after her in school, acted as a bodyguard.

Back then, Jasper was always watching out for Peridot and Amethyst, who was Jaspers younger sister. Despite being a year ahead of her, she always played with the two on the playground. Made sure no one harassed or picked on the two. Sometimes she’d carry Peridot around on the playground if she was too tired, and during the winter she’d join them for snowball fights and snowmen construction. But, somewhere around the fourth or fifth grade, she had started putting distance between them. By middle school, Jasper became a bit of a bully and cut all ties with Peridot, and apparently, she started picking on Amethyst back home too. Once she hit high school, she’d become an active jerk; harassing and beating students, threatening them and instilling fear into them.

It was hard to imagine that she was the same girl Peridot used to share her cookies with.

Beside her was her best friend, Bismuth Julian. One of the receivers on the football team and just as big and strong as Jasper. Her most noticeable trait being her rainbow dreads and God awful 'Bismuth' jokes. She and Jasper became friends during freshmen year and had become inseparable ever since. While she wasn’t necessarily as hostile or aggressive as Jasper, let alone malicious, Bismuth could be just as terrible a person as the other.

She’d beaten people up, had a pair of brass knuckles she’d called the Breaking Point that she’d use if someone got on her bad side. She could be nicer and friendlier than Jasper, but she wasn’t much better. Even more, she was the smartest person on the football team and considering Peridot had seen her test scores, it was kind of a sad. The only classes Bismuth excelled were ones where she built things in, everything else she barely passed.

Those two were a team made in Hell. Always seen by one another, no one could control what they did. None, except for maybe the queens of the school, that is.

At the table also were three tall, thin women who turned heads wherever they went. Looking perfect, acting perfect, acting as if they were the center of the universe, and as far as they were concerned they might as well be that. The Pearls. No matter what kind of Hell the school was, no matter what kind of problems or chaos was happening, the three would float above it all.

Her eyes fell on them each one at a time.

Pearl Crystals. Part of a ballet group and during the winter she was part of a local, yearly figure skating tournament. Had plenty of awards for the both of them and was pretty good at both. She was skinny as a stick and weighed as much as one. Her peach hair had gotten cut into a pixie cut sometime during the summer, complained endlessly last year about how it being so long would get in the way during her dance routines.

Pearl Bleu. No real known personality and nobody outside her circle of friends had ever heard her say anything more than a few words at a time. Her hair was dyed a light blue and always covered her eyes, honestly, Peridot couldn’t remember a day she’d ever seen those hidden eyes. Her hair was in some relatively cute shy girl style and she had the same shy girl air about her. Always wearing blue and acting like a timid puppy. All Peridot knew for sure was that she ran the school yearbook and newspaper.

Then there was Pearl Goldsberg, the fearsome leader of the group. The Almighty. The smug leader with yellow-as-can-be blonde hair in an updo and an attitude of absolute authority. She was a mythic bitch.

Those three, they’re as high as can be on the social food chain. Student or teacher; no one bothers them, no one harasses them, not even Jasper dared get on their bad side. They’re untouchable, unstoppable. Peridot would give virtually anything to be like that just for one day. To go a day where people left her alone, where no one picked on her because of her size or that her interests or appearance. 

It would never happen, but hey, a girl can dream.

Shaking her head, Peridot got up from her seat at the table and grabbed her backpack, making her way out of the lunch room to find somewhere more private and peaceful to spend her remaining time for lunch before continuing with classes. Somewhere far away from the other students of the school where she couldn’t be bothered by them.

A new school

How many schools does this one make it? Ten? Twelve?

She honestly wasn’t sure; she’d stopped keeping count after the fourth. What’s the point of keeping track of how many schools you go to anyways, when you’re only there for six months at most before you’re off on the road again to a new town and new school? There wasn’t a point to keeping track of schools, of names or faces. They were gone in a flash anyways.

Lapis Lazuli sighed as she sat in the bathroom stall, backpack on the ground as she buried her face in her hands. Her head throbbed.

Just seven more months. Seven months and she’d be eighteen. She could cut herself off from her mother, stay in this town if she felt like it or move to someplace she actually enjoyed living at. Seven months and she could be done with all of this.

Her birthday couldn’t come sooner.

It was the first day of school and already Lapis was suffering. She didn’t like these students; they were no better than the countless other schools she’d been to. Everyone in this school, student or teacher, were awful. Awful, disgusting little monsters that she couldn’t wait to be done with. Students were wild demons and the teachers, they didn’t, couldn’t do anything to help anyone even if they tried. All anyone here cared about was themselves, it was painfully clear to see. It made her sick to her stomach.

People noticed right away that she was new, even if it was the first day of school for everyone, she stood out as the new kid. The one person no one recognized. They whispered not-to-subtly to one another about her, not caring if she could hear them or not. Comments, underhanded remarks, and already the rumor or two. All done as though she wouldn’t notice. God, it disgusted her.

Her hands were shaking; her head was pounding. Fuck, she shouldn’t have skipped her meds today.

These next several months were just another round of Hell for her. Summer had been a nice little break; she didn’t have to deal with other teens. She could just go bury herself in whatever safe haven she’d found in the last town she lived in with her mom. She could hide away from the world and not have to deal with anyone.

But now that school has started up again, she would have to deal with these assholes for eight hours a day, five days a week. Freedom from this Hell, it was so close but so far away at the same time. Screw school, once she hit eighteen, she was dropping out of school along with cutting ties with her mom. She’d find a way to survive without a high school diploma somehow. Maybe she could sell her art or something, something that could allow her minimal interactions with societies filth.

God, her head felt like it was spinning.

There was a spot outside, a little corner away from the prying eyes of school cameras. There might not be anyone over there.  She still had a bit of time before class. Plenty to sneak out and release.

It was a miracle her breathing was still steady as she sat up on the toilet seat, flushing it just to give the pretense that she’d been using it. Grabbing her backpack, she made her way to the sink and began to scrub at her hands with a bit more force than was necessary, leaving her skin red and raw. The sting would tide her over until she reached that spot outside of school.

Glancing up at the mirror, she took note of her appearance. Her blue hair was a bit out of place, her eyes were a bit bloodshot from insomnia, and heavy bags marred her skin. She hadn’t had a good night’s sleep in God only knew how long. She hadn’t had a good night or day in even longer.

Taking a deep breath to steady herself, Lapis turned off the water and quickly dried her hands before hurrying to the door. She threw it open and stepped out without any hesitation, only to ram into someone as soon as she stepped out, both tripping and colliding into the floor.

While Lapis ground her teeth against the sting when her knees hit the tiles, the other girl let out an audible and pained yelp.

“Oh, sorry,” Lapis muttered as she picked up a pair of glasses that had hit the ground and handed them to the other girl who was rubbing her lower back. Must have landed wrong when Lapis barreled into her. She didn’t feel bad about it, too numb inside to really care about the opinions and feelings of others. But still, it was good manners to at least act like she was concerned and sorry.

The girl looked up and Lapis was greeted with bright green and tired eyes, “No, it’s okay,” she said in a slightly nasally voice as she reached out to take the glasses from Lapis. “I wasn’t looking where I was going.”

As they stood up, the bluenette took this moment to give the girl a once over. She was quite short, only coming up to Lapis’ shoulders, though if she counted the height her hair added on, the blonde tufts seemingly defying gravity in their messy, untamed, almost triangular appearance, then Lapis would say she reached her chin. She was practically drowning in an oversized green hoodie with a few alien themed pins on it, and apart from that… there wasn’t really much that Lapis could say stuck out to her about this girl.

She was pretty small, maybe a freshman?

“You okay? You look like you hit the ground pretty hard,” Lapis said instead, moving out of the way so some other girls could come and leave the bathroom.

She shook her head, “I’m fine, thanks for asking though,” she added with a smile. It was kind of cute if Lapis was being honest. In the same way a sad, soul-crushed puppy was cute.

But, if she was any judge of it, then Lapis would say she had spent enough time being nice and polite with manners and such garbage. The girl was okay, no serious injuries. Time to move on, she needed to move on. “Well if you say so, then I’m going to get moving. See you around,” Lapis said, maybe a bit curtly, moving to walk around the blonde. She heard a faint ‘bye,’ as she moved down the halls.

There was urgency in her steps as she walked down the cold tiles, past the loud students as she made a beeline for the doors. She had maybe fifteen minutes before class started. Her hands were shaking; her head was throbbing. She needed to find a release before she got back to class or she might not survive the rest of the day.

Dealing with the student had only delayed her in her mission. She should have just gotten up and left, not stuck around to make sure that the girl was okay. Well, what’s done is done.

Stepping outside of the school into the fresh air was like freedom, even if it was just brief, and she wasted no time finding that hidden corner of the school, away from the cameras and prying eyes of the students and faculty.