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notafunkiller · 1 year

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love me like you paid me - co-written with @marvelouslizzie

Summary: You accompany businessman Bucky Barnes to all the events he has to attend, and you find yourself wishing he wasn’t paying you to be his date.

Pairing: businessman!Bucky Barnes x female reader

Warnings: 18+, age gap (the reader is 24, Bucky is 34), teasing, dirty talk, pet names, daddy kink, fingering, nipples play, oral sex, clit play, no condom (but they are both clean and the reader is on birth control), cursing, no mention of y/n

Word Count: 11K

Bucky Barnes masterlist

A/N: @marvelouslizzie and I had a great time writing this story, and we really hope you will, too, while reading it.

Please, do not repost or translate without my permission!

> I think I'll be late for a couple of minutes, I am very sorry. You can go inside, you just need to say your name.

You look at the text he sent you once again, to make sure you didn’t miss any details. The thought of going inside alone spikes up your anxiety even though you never met him before. Everything looks so fancy, and you are already feeling out of place.

So you decide to wait. It's better for appearances, anyway. You didn't properly establish the context of you being his plus-one before, and you don't want to make mistakes.

And it doesn't even take a long time. He arrives just five or six minutes later. You watch him get out of the car and look around before your eyes finally meet for the first time.

"I am so, so sorry for being late. But why are you standing here?" He says awkwardly looking at you from head to toe twice as he starts arranging his suit jacket.

“I thought it would be better if we go inside together. It wouldn't look too convincing if we came separately.”

He nods. "Smart. I'm sorry, I'm..." He pauses, unsure, and extends his hand. "You're very beautiful, thank you. I'm Bucky."

You offer him a smile while extending your hand and giving him your name. “Thank you. You’re looking very dapper yourself.”

He snorts. "Not thanks to me."

“Huh?” You raise an eyebrow in confusion.

"I meant my stylist." He explains, freeing your hand.

“Oh.” You feel awkward. You didn’t even think about that. “Yeah, but you are carrying it well.”

You see his cheeks getting red. "Thank you. Shall we go inside?"

“Yeah, of course.” You offer him your arm.

"I think I should be doing that." He does the same thing.

You feel so embarrassed for a second but take his arm anyway. “Sorry. I’m just nervous.”

“Don't be sorry." He gives the man at the entrance a smile before saying your names, and in no time, you are led to your table.

You take a look around, trying to be as subtle as possible. It’s even fancier than it seemed when you were waiting for him outside and people seem to know one another as they greet and talk to each other. You feel a faint pain in your stomach.

"You know… in case someone asks you, my three favorite things are eating my family and not using commas."

“What?” You feel so lost.

"My three favorite things are eating my family and not using commas." He repeats this expired joke he read online at some point. "You know, eating my family and eating, my family."

You suddenly snort, not expecting him to make a joke like this.

"I guess you can smile, and what a beautiful smile you have." He pauses and scrunches his nose as soon as he finishes the phrase. "I don't mean to be you know... I am not trying to...."

“You are not trying to what?” You’re still smiling because of his dad joke, totally unaware of why he’s trying to explain himself.

"To make you uncomfortable or something. I just wanted to help you feel better. I am surprised, though. Usually, models feel a little less nervous."

“Model?” You repeat, visibly confused. “I’m… I’m not a model.” Did they tell him you were a model?

"Oh, it explains the height." He lets out a deep breath.

“The height?” You can’t believe he actually said that. Like your height isn’t good enough for his standards. Probably, you aren’t good enough for his standard since you aren’t a model.

"Oh god, no." He groans. "That sounded terrible. I meant, models usually are very tall and look... different. I told them I don't want a model, but my team didn't quite listen. That’s why I said that."

“So you aren’t the one who specifically wanted a model?”

"God, no." He shakes his head. "I actually chose you." He scrunches his nose again. "That sounds even more terrible."

“I know you chose me. How do you think they found a photo of me to send you?”

Bucky snorts. "I should shut up."

“No, no. I mean…” You lower your voice a little to make sure no one hears you. “I was aware of what this is when I said yes. It’s fine.”

"I am making a fool out of myself, I am sorry."

“No, you are not. It’s actually helping me to relax because I was really worried about…” You stop yourself right before saying something stupid.

"Did I seem intimidating?"

“Yeah.” You quickly accept it because his choice of words is much nicer than what you were originally thinking. You expected him to be a pretentious asshole. Instead, he seems like he’s just as nervous as you are.

He smiles. "What would you like to drink?"

“White wine is fine.” It seems like a safe choice.

"I love wine." He smiles. "And to be honest, it’s the only thing I drink at those events. Oh, and champagne, of course."

“That also works, but I can’t have too much.”

"Want to order food before?"

“No, not because of that. I have an early work meeting tomorrow.”

"Oh, we can leave earlier." He immediately offers. "I don't stick much around usually, anyway."

“That’s not necessary, we can stay as much as you want. I’m already prepared for my meeting. I just don’t want to seem unprofessional tomorrow by looking like I have a huge hangover. I kinda need it to go well.”

"What do you do if you're not a model?" He asks with a smile, genuinely curious to find out more information.

“I am running my own bakery.”

"That sounds so awesome. Family business?"

“No. I actually started it pretty recently. Still learning how to manage a business and get clients.” You suddenly stop, feeling self-conscious. “Sorry. That must sound really silly to you.”

"Silly?" He tries to tuck back a few strands of his hair as he looks at you. "I want to know more. If you want to share of course. Maybe I can even help. I know how hard it can be, especially when you don't have experience. Do you have a partner?"

“No.” You can’t help but smile because he seems genuinely interested. “I’m doing it by myself. Or rather trying.”

"Wow, that must be exhausting and challenging. Do you have employers? How new..." he stops mid-sentence when the waiter comes. "Can you bring us some white wine, please?"

"What kind?"

You watch him as he casually orders a specific brand, then his eyes meet yours again. You realize he’s actually waiting for your answer. “I have one person that works with me.”

"Paying a salary must be hard."

“Yeah, money is kinda tight.” That’s the whole reason you accepted being his date tonight: you want to be able to pay Nicole’s salary, but you don’t say that.

"I'm sorry." He sighs. "Maybe I can help, though." He thinks about a donation or something, but he doesn't even know you or your business.

“You already are. Don’t worry about it.”

The waiter returns with the wine, asking you if you want to taste it, but Bucky gives him a polite smile after looking at you. "Thank you, but no need."

The man nods and starts pouring slowly.

When you taste the wine, you understand why he specifically asked for this one. It leaves a really gentle after-taste on your tongue.

"Do you like it?" He asks nervously as he takes a sip himself.

“Very much. Probably the best wine I have ever tasted.”

"I am so glad to hear that. But did you eat anything before coming here?”

“Ihm… No.”

"Then we should order. Excuse me," he calls the waiter again with a hand gesture.

While he is ordering food, you find the perfect moment to stare at him. He’s speaking in a way that shows he belongs here. He is kind yet commanding. You focus on his face and watch a strand fall on his forehead. He doesn’t pay any attention to it, just gently pushing it back, but you find yourself taking a deeper breath. His lips are full, his smile is gentle and his eyes are curious. That’s when you notice he is actually talking to you.

"Do you have preferences?"

You shake your head. You have no idea what preference he is talking about, but even if you did you are sure you would have no idea what to order in a place like this.

"Do you trust me with this?"

“Yeah.” You quickly answer to cover the fact that you weren’t paying attention to his food choices. “Just no sea food, please.”

"Of course." He nods and turns his attention to the waiter again. "The same for her, please. Also a bottle of water."

It's already pretty late, and it's clear neither of you has much energy left, but you can't interrupt this conversation. You are trying to listen so you can be prepared if they ask you something.

"I agree, the market doesn't look good, but let's see if something changes once they apply the new policies," he says looking at both of you for a couple of seconds. "It's hard for new businesses, unfortunately."

You take a deep breath, knowing what he says is true and how it affects you. Still, you don’t comment on anything, just watching them.

Bucky leans in, laughing politely when the man cracks a bad joke, and you notice how a few hair strands fall on the side of his face and forehead.

Before your mind can register what you are doing, you find yourself leaning towards him and pushing the hair back. Then you notice what you’ve just done and freeze. Your hand lingers on his hair.

He freezes too, mid-sentence, and looks at your hand, his neck getting so red in just a few seconds.

"Oh, look at that. Your girlfriend is taking good care of you." The man in front of you teases.

“I’m sorry.” You try to retreat your hands as gracefully as possible so it won’t look suspicious. His hair is back in its place.

"Don't apologize." Bucky smiles, taking your hand into his. "She's always shy in public."

“I forgot for a second we are in public.” That’s not a lie. You really forgot your surroundings and how you were supposed to behave.

"What a beautiful girlfriend you have, Barnes."

You can feel your cheeks burning because of his words. You are not his girlfriend obviously, but will he point that out?

"She's also incredibly smart. You know, she started her own bakery a few months ago in this crazy market."

“Really?”

"Yes, with no help either. I'm really proud of her."

Did he just say he’s proud of you? Jesus christ…

“That doesn’t surprise me at all. You know why?” He’s directly asking you that question, and you just shake your head as in no. “Because he started his own company, probably around your age, too.”

"Michael..."

That you didn’t know. You had no idea how he got this rich, and hearing that makes you feel more hopeful.

“I’m just saying.” The man continues. “I can see why you like her. And she’s pretty lucky because she can get the best investment advice or tips on how to run a successful business from you.”

"Oh, trust me, I am luckier." He gives you the warmest smile you've ever received.

You have no idea what to say or do. Should you act like his girlfriend? Should you just smile and nod? That would be rude, wouldn’t it? You should return the compliment. You would definitely do that if he was your boyfriend.

“Oh, I know how lucky I am,” you say with a smile.

Bucky takes a quick look at his watch. "Alright, I think we need to go. Tomorrow is a long work day. Hope you don't mind." He shakes Michael's hand.

"It was nice to see you."

You are glad it’s finally time to leave. You were getting worried about how much longer you would have to stay here. Not because of him. Bucky seems like a perfectly nice guy, but this fancy place makes you uncomfortable. You gently smile while shaking Michael’s hand and take Bucky’s arm.

"Have a good evening. It was nice to meet you."

“It was nice meeting you too, Michael.”

"I'm sorry for that. Took too long," Bucky whispers in your ear.

“The event isn’t even over yet. We are leaving early.” He shouldn’t have to say sorry for something you agreed to do.

"Is it okay if we drive you home?" He gestures to his driver who's pulling in. You didn't even realize when he texted him.

“You don’t have to, I can take a cab.”

"At this hour?" He puffs. "Not in a thousand years. My driver can drop you off." Bucky offers instantly. It's clear he won't let this go.

“Only if it won’t be a bother…”

"Of course not." He gestures to his driver. "I want you to drop the lady off and make sure she gets inside safely, please. I'll take a cab."

“What?” You didn’t expect him to take a cab. “No, I can’t accept that.”

"Please. Also thank you for tonight, I am really grateful and I enjoyed having you here."

“Bucky…” You stop for a second, feeling hesitation over using his name. “Can I call you Bucky?”

"Of course."

“Bucky, thank you for tonight. I enjoyed it more than I expected. You are a gentleman, but I can’t take your car. I thought you meant dropping me at my place on your way home.”

"I thought..." he pauses. "You felt uncomfortable around me and that's why you refused the ride."

“No. Why would I feel uncomfortable around you?”

He smiles shyly and opens the door for you. "Alright, then let's go."

You really don’t know why he thought that and it bothers you. While you take your seat, you decide to apologize for what happened in there. Maybe that’s why he felt uneasy.

He looks absolutely confused when you actually say the words. "What?"

“I am just really sorry about what I did back there. I don’t know what came over me.”

"What did you do?”

“You know… Making you uncomfortable by fixing your hair.”

Bucky can't help but giggle softly. "Why would you apologize for that? That was very thoughtful, thanks."

His giggle catches you off guard. “I thought… I crossed a boundary.”

"No, not at all. Sorry for the boring conversations."

“It wasn’t that boring. I actually learned a couple of things.”

Bucky smiles. "Did you? Not surprised, you're a businesswoman after all."

“I try to be.” You smile back even though you are feeling kinda sad that your time with him is about to end.

"I think you have a big potential. You control your emotions very well. You are smart and know how to enjoy good wine." He gives you a playful but innocent wink as he says the last part.

“And now I know you, so I can ask for business advice.” You repeat Michael’s words very poorly.

Bucky nods. "Of course. And you know maybe I can help... with a donation."

“A donation?” You really didn’t mean to sound that offended, but you are.

He frowns. "Yeah, I really think you got potential in business and it's hard when no one helps you."

Talking about money always bothers you. Getting paid for going out with someone already feels wrong enough, but the way he walks about it makes you feel worse.

“Can we…. not… talk about this?” Your discomfort is much more clear in your voice than you realize.

"I-Of course, sorry if I bothered you," he immediately says apologetically.

“Talking about money like this bothers me and… just to be clear, I don’t want any help.”

"I understand. I wasn't trying to intrude."

You offer him a smile, but it doesn’t reach your eyes.

"I'm really so-"

"Is this the right address?" The driver interrupts Bucky all of a sudden.

“Yeah, it is.” Your answer comes instantly.

"Perfect."

“Thank you…” You stop for a minute realizing you don’t know his name. “I’m sorry I didn’t catch your name before.”

"Noah."

“Thank you, Noah.” Then you turn to Bucky. “And thank you for tonight, Bucky.”

"Thank you." You give him one more smile before opening the door. "Wait."

“What?”

"Are you free on 18?"

“I… think so. Why?”

"I have a proposal for you."

As the 18th comes closer, you get more worried about what to wear. You used your fanciest dress at that event and now your options are pretty limited. You search your closet and try to think of a friend who would let you borrow a dress. That’s when you finally see that simple black dress. That might work. When you put it on, your feelings are conflicted, though. It looks good on you, but it doesn’t seem good enough. You are not completely sure about how fancy this event is. Maybe… maybe you can ask him.

< Hey. Sorry to bother you but how fancy is this event?

> Hey, no bother. Like the one we attended.

> Why?

< I’m not sure about my dress. Is it okay if I show it to you? I don’t wanna be underdressed.

> I am sure that's impossible but of course.

You send a mirror selfie, showing your dress.

>You look very beautiful.

>The dress is absolutely amazing too, but it's a black-tie event. Would you consider me disrespectful if I sent my stylist to you?

< Thank you.

< No, of course not. I need help. I would appreciate it.

> Gonna send Lila a message and then I'll give her your number if that's okay.

< That’s perfectly okay. Thank you and again sorry to bother you with something like this.

> You don't bother me.

> I mean it.

< I know you are busy. That’s what I meant.

> Well, I am sure you are very busy yourself.

> How is the bakery and how was the meeting?

< I’m done working for the day. So I get to worry about the dress I’m gonna wear.

< The meeting went well but I didn’t hear anything from them yet.

> I hope it was a full day.

> I mean with many clients.

> And I hope they will give you a call.

< It was a tiring day. How was yours?

> Tiring, but productive, thank you for asking.

> Lila will call you in two minutes. She's a nice person. She manages to make me look decent every time.

< You look more than decent and I don’t think it’s all her doing.

5 minutes later

< Talked to Lila. We go shopping tomorrow. Thanks again for the help.

> Don't thank me for that. My pleasure. Have a good evening.

< You too.

The next day, you meet Lila and go shopping together like you agreed. She seems like a fun person and definitely understands your style. Her suggestions are great. but the only problem is the cost When you notice the price tags, you want to leave, but she assures you that it is all taken care of. That’s when you realize Bucky Barnes is paying for this shopping trip. You feel dumb for not thinking about this while talking to him. That’s why he was guarded when he offered help. That usually restlessness creeps up on you because you don’t want his help like this, but Lila convinces you that he is the reason you need new dresses anyway. And it is true. He is dressing you so you look the part. That eases your anxiety and finally, you are able to enjoy your dress hunt. When you come back home, you are completely exhausted but ready for any event he might want to take you.

> Hi

> How are you?

< I’m good, getting ready. How are you?

> I am good too.

> I was wondering if you mind me picking you up...

< You wanna pick me up?

> Yes. I might need your address again, though.

< Noah doesn’t remember?

< I am picking you up.

Oh.

> You should say no if you don't want that.

< No, why wouldn’t I? I just didn’t think you would come without your driver for some reason.

> Do you want me to come with Noah?

> I can.

< I don’t need someone extra to feel comfortable around you, Bucky.

< It’s up to you. Whatever you wanna do, I will be fine with it.

> Perfect 🙂

> 7:30 or 8? We should totally skip half an hour.

> So boring

< That emoji makes me feel like I did something wrong and you are being kind.

< Both are fine by me.

> See you at 8 then 😁

> Since you hate the other emoji

< Oh this one is much better.

< See you at 8. Leave your overthinking hat at home.

You quickly send him your address.

> Thank you

The evening comes even quicker than you expected. He picks you up alone and you have a great conversation on your way to the event. He gives you some pointers about it and the people you will most likely have to talk to and warns you that it’s gonna be boring. And he is right. It is even more boring than the first one. A lot of speeches and conversations with people you don’t know. You try to stay composed and play your part, trying to hide the fact that you are bored as fuck. Bucky comes to your rescue with a fun game. He makes funny comments and on-point jokes before and/or after you talk to someone. His observation skills are extraordinary. He notices stuff that you wouldn’t normally remark. Like a missing wedding ring, so he knows not the mention their spouse during their conversation. He whispers into your ear and makes you laugh the whole night. Hearing his voice that close, and feeling his breath on your neck drives you crazy. Does he know the effect he has on you? Is he doing it on purpose or is he just trying to pass the time as pleasantly as possible? You don’t know. Just like the first event, you leave a little bit early. He drives you back home, offers you a warm smile, and mentions when the next event will take place. You just nod in agreement, already looking forward to it.

> Friends or The Office?

> Also hi

< The Office. Love how intentionally awkward it is.

< Hiii back.

> How are you?

> Let me guess who you like the most

> Is he tall?

< Yeah genius, it’s Jim.

< I’m good, how are you?

> I knew you have taste.

> I am good. Now even better.

< Why better?

< Also who else could I like? He’s the only sane person in that office.

> Because I talk to you.

> So true.

He’s feeling better because he’s talking to you. God, that makes your blood rush.

< I like talking to you, too.

< Okay I have a question. What do you think of Karen?

> Karen? Don't make me be a hater while texting.

> It would never end.

> You?

< You know the word hater? I’m impressed.

< I don’t like her either. She tried too hard to make things work.

> I am 34, not 304!

> I feel offended

< It’s so easy to tease you.

> She is boring and annoying. More annoying than that douchebag.

< You mean Roy?

> Yeah

> That punching scene though

< God, that guy is a walking red flag.

< Pam was truly blind.

> She was. Sad...

< Favorite season?

> Hard.

> Very hard.

> Maybe 4.

> Yours?

< Either 4 or 6.

> Tastee

< You are starting to sound like me

> Well, I am older, so it's the other way around

< Sure old man. Whatever you say

> Old but handsome, to quote you

< I can’t be held responsible for the things I say when I’m tipsy.

> Excusess

< Shh you are exposing me too much

As time passes, your conversations become friendlier. You don’t feel like this is something you have to do just to keep your business going. It feels like you two enjoy each other’s company. It feels like flirting. Yet you are not sure if that’s how he feels about all this, too.

> Hi. Are you home?

< Yeah?

> in a few minutes you might have a delivery

< A delivery?

< Bucky what did you buy this time?

> I can sense a tone

< Can you?

> A bratty tone.

> You'll see when it comes.

Just a few minutes later you open the door and see a huge bouquet of flowers.

< Jesus Bucky!

< These are so pretty!

< Thank youu.

> No complaining, huh?

> Glad you like them.

> I can complain if that’s what you want.

> I want you to be good and put them in a vase.

< They are already in a vase, sir.

You send a photo of the flowers in your prettiest vase.

> Great.

< I can’t stop smelling them.

> Noted

< I’ve got something to show you. Well two things because I can’t decide.

> Waiting

You send two mirror selfies in two different dresses. The first one is a black dress with a high slit on the right side. The other one is a simple pastel pink dress but the cleavage is on display a little.

< Which one should I wear for the next event?

> You think I am the right person to choose?

< I am your date, aren’t I?

> They both look great.

> Depends on what you want.

< That’s what I think too!

< And that’s why I can’t decide.

< Please help me out.

> Pink?

< Pink it is.

< Thank you.

What you didn't expect from this arrangement is how your attachment grows more and more every time you see Bucky. He makes it hard not to miss him with his smile and his jokes, the way he tries to integrate you and always asks how you feel. Truth be told, you're not even professional anymore and you catch yourself wanting to make a move on him every time he compliments you. But you can't, so you're forced to wait for him to do it. And you really hope he will.

You probably put too much faith in a rich person because when you see your notification from the banking app, you have to refrain from making a scene. You check twice just to be sure. For some reason, you are paid double the amount for this date and it’s not because he missed any previous payments. No, he just decided to pay you more the moment you started to grow closer.

When you look at him, he immediately catches something's wrong and leans in to whisper.

"What happened?"

“I don’t wanna talk about it right now.” Because you know if you do, your whole act will be exposed.

Bucky nods and looks at the rest of the table. "We're gonna head back home now. It was really nice to see you."

His reaction surprises you. You have the whole night ahead of us and he already paid you double. Why does he want to leave already?

"Of course. Have a good evening!"

“Oh, are you really leaving this early?” Someone else asks.

"Yes. We have plans for tomorrow pretty early in the morning."

“Ah! Too bad. Still, it was nice seeing you two.”

You both nod before you make your way to the door. You absently watch him asking for both of your coats and holding the door for you.

The way he’s acting like everything is fine infuriates you more. You really hoped something was going to happen between you two. It felt like you were headed in that direction, but you are not so sure anymore. Maybe he never saw it that way. Maybe he was thinking the worst of you and he’s just paying you more for everything he considers extra. It makes you feel nauseous.

"I should have made them change the plate… Do you have an allergic reaction?"

“Yeah, I am having an allergy reaction.” You lash out as soon as you feel safe to react. “An allergic reaction to you trying to buy everything.”

"What?" He looks at you so confused as if he didn't double paid you a moment ago.

“Tell me it’s just a mistake and you didn’t do it on purpose.”

"Do what? Pay you?"

Oh… He did it on purpose. And just like that the last hope you were hanging on vanishes.

“Yeah, pay me double just as we were getting closer. Is that all I am to you?”

"All you are to me?" He repeats shocked.

“Someone you can pay for whatever you want.” You don’t wait for an answer. You just keep going. “Of course, that’s all I am. What else can I be? It’s my fault for accepting this… deal. I put myself in this position. Why would you see me as someone other than a hooker.”

"Stop!" He screams back but not as loudly as you do. "What are you saying? What the actual fuck? When did I even imply that? Paying you double has nothing to do with disrespecting you! Contrary!"

“You don’t have to say it! The moment we started to get closer, you decided to pay me double. I don’t need to be Einstein to put 2 and 2 together.”

He scrunches his nose. "How about us getting closer and me wanting to help you, huh? Did that ever cross your mind? Me wanting to help you pay your debt faster, knowing the effort you make to accompany me to these," he gestures to the place behind you. "But no, of course, you didn't because you think the lowest of me. That I would believe I can buy you and your affection!"

“Help me?” He must be joking. “When I specifically told you I don’t want help!”

"I just don't want you to struggle. Is it so bad?" His voice is soft now while he stares at you, trying to show you he's entirely honest

“Have you ever stopped for a second and thought how getting help would make me feel? I’ll tell you. It makes me feel like a failure.”

"You're not a failure. And getting help doesn't make anything you did and do less important, especially since it's small. Please..." he sighs. "Let's continue talking in the car at least, it's freezing. You shouldn't get sick."

“Fine. I will get in, but this… this conversation is not over.” He’s right. It’s freezing and you can’t take it anymore.

He nods gratefully and opens the door for you, which you close with force.

As soon as he gets in the car and starts the engine, he turns on the ac, giving you a look. You keep taking deep breaths and avoid looking at him.

"Please... do you really think that low of me?"

"I don't know what to think anymore." You finally look back at him. "Are you gonna drive or are we gonna have this conversation here?"

"I don't want to drive you home upset. I want to talk about it..."

You stop for a second, consider your options. You can't have this conversation in a public place. "Your place or mine?"

Money is clearly not an issue for him so he probably didn't even blink to pay you double you realize as you get inside the house. You try not to look around too curiously. Your image in his eye is already as bad as it could get.

"How low do you think of me?" He repeats the same question while he starts to take off his shoes.

“I should be asking you that question.”

"You're the one who thinks I tried to buy you as a hooker."

“What were you trying to do then if not buying my affection? And don’t tell me helping!”

"To help."

“I don’t want help!” You don’t notice how loud you are. “I don’t want anyone’s help! I have to do this on my own. Is that so hard to understand?”

"Yes and no." He sighs. "I get this drive, I had it too, but I wish you could try to see... that you don't have to do this alone. But instead, you think I see you as someone buyable."

“Imagine when you started your business and had debt, someone had the means to help you, just give you money like it’s nothing and you don’t get to pay it back. Would you accept it? Would you think it’s your success if someone helped you out like that? Just be honest and answer.”

"Fuck no." He sighs. "But you deserve the money. And you put up with the events and your business..."

“Fuck no indeed. I want to do this myself. I have to prove myself I’m not a failure like my-” You stop yourself from finishing that sentence.

"What? Like what?"

“It doesn’t matter. I just need to prove that to myself, okay?”

"How could you think you are failing when you already did so much?

“As long as this business doesn’t succeed, whatever I’ve done so far does not matter. Only the result matters.” You don’t notice you are repeating your father’s words.

"That is bullshit. You think success is based on wins only?"

“It doesn’t feel like winning when you are worried about paying the next month's salaries.”

"That's a worry that honestly doesn't stop. Or at least not for me. Success means failure and worries sometimes. Success means trying and holding on."

“I’m not here to have a conversation about what you view as success, Bucky. I’m here because I’m mad at you.”

"You're mad at me, but you think I am an awful person." He starts taking off his jacket.

“I’m mad at you because you can’t pay me double just because you want to. That’s not how real life works.”

"Oh, really?" He smiles sarcastically. "I should totally give zero shits about you worrying about paying salaries and having student debt. Totally real-life fun stuff."

“Student debt? How do you even know about that?”

"You mentioned it."

“I don’t remember mentioning my student debt to you.”

He puffs, not breaking eye contact. "I have ears."

“You heard me mentioning my student debt and decided to pay me double?” He’s unbelievable.

"Yes."

“Do you have any idea how much you were paying me before?”

Bucky blushes embarrassed and strokes his beard. "No..."

“You were already paying me nearly a monthly salary. Just for going on a date with you once a week. Do you have any idea how it made me feel seeing that double payment in my account while I was hoping for…”

"Fuck, I want to say I am sorry, but I am not. I am not buying you, no matter how low you think of me. I want to help you. I thought we are already friends."

“Friends.” You give him a bitter smile. “Friends don’t pay each other.”

"Friends help each other." He is getting closer to you.

“Not without the other one asking for help.”

"You're impossible." He sighs. "You can pay me back at some point." He is so serious.

“Which point will that be?”

"Whenever you won't be worried about salaries."

“You said it yourself, that time never comes.”

"Please, doll." He closes his eyes, not even realizing what he said.

“Please what?”

"Can we just stop fighting?"

“We can if you stop paying me.”

"It's your money. You come with me every time. This event was more boring than usual... consider this a bonus for putting up with it and me."

“I don’t want- I don’t need that.”

"Why not? It's just for now." He seems upset. "Do you want nothing to do with me anymore?"

“I don’t need money to… enjoy my evening with you. I was actually hoping for you to… you know… stop paying me soon.”

"You want to end this?" He doesn't even try to hide his disappointment. His voice starts trembling.

“I want to end the payments.”

"So no more events..."

“I didn’t say that. I said I don’t want you to pay me for that anymore.”

"Oh." Bucky thinks a little. "You want to come to meet more people?"

“Dear god… You are so dense for a smart businessman sometimes!”

"You are calling me dumb."

“Yeah, because you are being dumb or just acting dumb, I don’t know anymore. You can call me if you want me to accompany you as your friend… or date, okay? It’s up to you now.” You reach for your stuff to leave his place.

"I just want to know why you'd find it so bad for me to pay you. Would you not pay me?"

“Don’t you really see the implication?”

"What implication? Tell me what you think."

“Would you pay me if we had sex?”

He freezes, completely taken aback. "What?"

“You heard what I said. Would you love me like you paid me, too?”

"You want to fuck me?" He asks unsure. As if he doesn’t know if he heard you right.

“Do you need things spelled out for you like this?”

"Do you mean it?"

“I have already said too much, Bucky. I think it’s better if I go.”

He grabs your hand when you turn toward the door. "I don't think you said enough."

“You want me to embarrass myself more?” He rolls his eyes. “I think I have made myself clear enough. Time for me to leave.”

"Come on." He smiles. "You didn't say anything."

You let a frustrated breath out. “Take care, Bucky.”

"Doll, please. You can't leave in the middle of a conversation like this!"

“Of course, I can leave. What else is there to talk about?”

"You asked if I'd pay you for sex."

“And I think I got my answer.”

"No, I would not pay you for sex."

“Because you didn’t even consider that option.”

He puffs, and you notice sweat drops on his neck. "Why did you even ask that? I already said I do not consider you buyable."

He is very close now, holding both of your hands and staring into your soul.

“Because that’s how I feel every time you pay me to spend time with you.”

"God, doll. You are really fucking impossible. You think I don't want to kiss you or fuck you? I think about it all the goddamn time if I let myself, but we had an arrangement..."

“And that’s why I wanna end the arrangement.”

"Done." His answer is instant.

“So you can take me out on a normal date, maybe.”

"Yeah?" He wraps his arms around your waist, making you drop both: your coat and bag. But you don’t look down even when they hit the floor.

“If you want…” You feel your voice suddenly getting smaller.

"May I kiss you?"

“Only if you aren’t gonna ask permission for everything.”

He snorts. "Just answer."

“You may.”

He does, moving a hand to your chin as he immediately tries to deepen the kiss. The way he kisses you takes you by surprise. You didn’t expect him to start this kiss so strongly, but you definitely aren’t complaining. His other hand goes from your waist to your ass, grabbing it over your pants. You gasp in surprise, which interrupts the kiss.

He smiles. "Hi."

“Hi.” You try to catch your breath while he starts to kiss down your neck without warning. Your right hand trails up from his neck to his hair as you let out a low moan.

"Fuck." He starts sucking on a spot below your collarbone.

“Jesus, Bucky…” You try to sound as normal as possible. “Take a girl out to dinner first.”

"You want dinner?"

“Well, not right now.”

"What do you want right now?"

“Just keep doing what you were doing.”

He kisses you so sloppily, his hands going under your shirt without realizing. You wrap your hands around his neck and close the remaining distance between your bodies.

"Fuck, you taste so good."

“Maybe it’s the lipstick.” You joke and without letting him answer, you start to kiss him again, immediately using your tongue. He moans in the middle of the kiss and then opens his mouth a little further, inviting you in. Your hands go to the buttons of his shirt.

"Oh, fuck."

“Can I take this off?” You ask for permission the way he did before.

"Please." He is breathing slowly, looking at your hands

You take your time unbuttoning the shirt, testing his patience.

"Doll, please." His mouth finds your neck.

“Please what?”

"Faster."

“That part comes later,” You say with a suggestive tone and he snorts, leaving another kiss on your neck.

"Left you a few pretty marks."

“Maybe I should give you some too.”

"Later." When you finally finish unbuttoning, he takes it off in a heartbeat. "Hope you won't hate me."

“For what?” He simply rips your shirt in half in response. “Bucky!” His hands grab your bra while you are still talking. “That was an expensive top!”

"Was." He just rips off the bra, too. "Just like this was on you. Past tense.”

"Do not!" You lift your finger. "Rip off anything else!"

He bites that finger without hesitation, sucking in it further. You try to take your finger back.

“Jesus Bucky, how am I gonna go back home now?”

"What? You want to go home?"

“I have to go home eventually, you know.”

"I have clothes, you know?" He starts to take off your belt. "Pants too." You can see he wants to get rid of them too.

“You want me to leave your house in your clothes?”

He kisses her. "What?"

You take a deep, annoyed breath. “Fine, I will worry about this later.”

"May I rip these too?"

“No. No more ripping, please.”

"Alright," he says disappointed but lets you take off your pants while he’s simply staring at your breasts.

“At least I have this to wear while going back home,” you say, swinging your underwear.

"You talk so much about leaving."

“Hmm, do I?”

"Yeah." He's obviously trying not to show he's upset, but he's failing. And this makes you happy… the fact he doesn’t want you to leave.

“Does it bother you?”

"No," he whispers and looks at his own pants. "I can just make you feel good, you know? No rush, then I'll drive you home as you want."

You reach for his pants and start to unbuckle it. “I have a mind that… keeps on worrying. I think about stuff I have to do later constantly, but there’s a way to turn it off. At least for a while.”

He tries to stop you. "I can make you feel good, drive you home and take you on a date tomorrow."

You finally understand what he actually means. “What? No. That’s not what I want.”

"Okay. Just wanted to make sure you understand we can stop like any time."

“Oh, I know. I just don’t want to.”

"Okay." He smiles and lets his hands fall down.

“I feel like you are tiptoeing around me. Where’s that Bucky I see at these boring events every week?”

"He's here, just trying to do everything right. But I don't know what you mean by that Bucky."

"I mean that Bucky who doesn't hesitate."

"This is different though. I don't want you to think I am a douche, you know?" He sighs. "I don't want you uncomfortable."

"Your hesitation gives me anxiety. And I know you by now. You don't need to worry about that." You push his pants down and they pool around his ankles. Impatiently, he takes off his boxers himself and steps out of them.

"Alright then. Should we move to the bedroom?"

But you are too busy to finally look at him, all naked, to hear him. He looks better than you anticipated and that makes you even more eager to touch him.

He tries not to smile, but it's hard.

“Uhm… what?”

"Nothing, nothing. Keep going."

“Okay.” You move closer and start kissing him again. You grab him gently yet firmly and start moving your hand slowly, just to get him used to the feeling.

"Fuck." He moans against your lips. "Feels good."

You gently bite his lower lip while you keep moving your hand. It’s still slow, but you pay attention to grab his balls and brush against the tip, just to see his reactions

"Doll..."

“Hmm?” You stop kissing him and look into his eyes as you decide to kneel down.

"Doll, no." He groans. "Fuck, I really dreamed about this, but let's go to bed."

“If you dreamed about it, why are you saying no?”

"Because we can do something else fun for you too."

“Oh, believe me, this is fun.” You take your tongue out, swiping it on the shaft from the bottom to the top, making him moan immediately. “Do you want me to stop?” You ask, your lower lip touching the tip. He doesn't even seem to hear you.

“Hmm…” And that’s your answer. You take the tip into your mouth, gently licking. "Oh, shit," He moans and without thinking he wraps his hand around your ponytail.

Your tongue swirls around the tip, occasionally swiping on that sensitive spot that makes him moan really loudly. "Holy fuck." He's fully playing with your hair now. "Baby, please..." He doesn't seem to know what he's begginh for though.

“Hmm?” You silently ask while your tongue keeps working on him.

"We should... stop."

You take your mouth off him for a second, just enough to ask: “Why?” Then you take him right back inside your mouth.

"I'm gonna come," he says a little embarrassed.

He might have wanted you to stop because of that, but you have no intention of doing it. You want him to feel good, so you grab the shaft, moving it up and down while you take your mouth off for a few more seconds.

“Then come.”

Your tongue goes back to the tip, moving in sync with your hand. He can't even ask you if he should pull out because he's already coming in your mouth. You keep moving your head and hand until he finally hisses because of overstimulation.

"Doll."

You look at him while swallowing. “Yeah?”

"Thank you so much, I'm just... fuck me," he groans at the sight in front of him. There is something absolutely sinful about you like this. "I am just really sensitive."

“That’s normal.” You kiss his cock really gently on a spot that wouldn’t cause any discomfort. He lets go of your hair and smiles. You quickly wipe away that line of come dripping down to your chin before he helps you stand up and kisses you hard. You are already unbelievably wet, but the way he uses his tongue takes it to another level. He lifts you in his arms when you least expect and a yelp leaves your lips.

"Gonna take you to the bedroom."

“Yeah, okay.” You wrap your legs around his torso, trying to hide your excitement.

"I'm gonna eat you, okay?" He opens the door with his leg.

The way he says it sends shivers down your spine. You can feel the throbbing between your legs.

"You want to ride my face, pretty doll? Or do you want me on my knees?"

“God…” You think for a second, both options being tempting. “On your knees.”

"You want me on my knees? Want me to beg to eat your pussy?"

“Would you?”

"Beg for it?" He puffs. "For you? Of course."

“Jesus fucking Christ…”

"Just Bucky." He puts you down on the bed and kneels. You laugh a little. His nervousness is definitely fading away. He smiles and starts kissing below your knee. "Please, can I eat you, baby?"

“Oh god… I wanna hear that again.”

"I am begging. Please, allow me." He kisses all the way up.

“It’s all yours.”

He makes the most animalistic sound you've heard from his mouth before and lifts both of your legs over his shoulders.

"Gonna let me do it over and over again?"

“I might wanna do different things in between, but yes…” That makes him smile.

"Thank you." Then he finally starts licking at your entrance.

The first moan you let out sounds like you are trying to catch your breath. Bucky's fingers dig into your thighs when he properly enters you with his tongue.

“Oh god...” That feels amazing. He says nothing, trying to move his tongue around for a little while testing what you like. You instinctively move your hips a little, forcing his tongue closer to your clit.

"Fuck." You barely hear him say as he properly moves his mouth to your clit.

“Yess!” You shake with excitement. Bucky starts to flick his tongue gently on your clit, bringing his hand to your entrance. You don’t realize how you are moving your hips to create more friction. And he adds the first finger inside you without stopping his tongue motion.

“Ahh, yes.” It sounds like you have been waiting for this forever. His free hand goes up just to squeeze and massage each breast as he adds his second finger.

“Bucky, fuck!” It feels like he’s everywhere. His flicks turn into full licks while his fingers move faster.

“I’m gonna- I’m gonna- come.” You can already feel your legs shaking. He continues the pace exactly like this and moans against your clit.

“Oh fuck. Oh fuckk. God, please- don’t stop. Please.” He doesn't stop, he couldn't even if he tried, eager to make you come.

After a few seconds, something snaps inside you and finally, you feel loose. Your whole body is shaking and you can’t get enough of the way he makes you feel. The movement of his tongue, the way his fingers move… And it doesn’t end quickly. No, he keeps going and you feel the same high over and over again until it’s too much to bear. You stop him by grabbing a handful of his hair.

“That was… incredible.” He smiles, raising his head enough for you to see how wet he is. “Jesus…” His beard is soaked. You had no idea you were that wet.

"Just Bucky." He repeats the same joke as he licks his lips.

“Your beard… it’s so wet.” You are too shocked to react to his joke.

"Wanna clean it for me?" He winks and god, he looks so charming.

“Come here.” You open your arms.

He hugs you immediately, his beard making contact directly with your breasts as he’s spreading your wetness all over them.

"Oops." He giggles. "Guess I have to clean up my mess."

You giggle, too. “You know you don’t need an excuse to suck my nipples, right?”

"What? This is not what I'm doing. I like to clean."

And just like that, you feel Bucky's tongue all over your tits, making sure to avoid your nipples.

“Hmm… That feels good.” He bites a little the skin on your left breast, and you whine in response.

"Hurting?"

“A little.”

"Sorry, baby." He sucks a little around the bite as an apology.

"It's fine. Come here and gimme a kiss."

"No." He gets stubborn and he finally takes the first nipple into his mouth.

You grab his hair and force him away from your nipple. "You are so stubborn."

"You like pulling my hair."

"I was thinking about pulling it for a long time."

"Why didn't you?"

"Well, I touched it instead of pulling. On our first date."

"Yes." He smiles giving you a small kiss. "Not enough."

“There’s no way I could pull your hair there, you know.”

"True. I would moan."

"You and me both." You giggle again.

"So you felt okay?"

"Okay?"

He smiles. "More than okay?"

"You have no idea how okay that was."

"Probably not. You get to feel pleasure in ways I never will."

"Poor you. We should totally try to change that."

He snorts. "You want to suck me again? Or do you want to fuck me?"

"I want you to fuck me."

"Yeah?" He kisses your cheeks. "That's easy."

"Yeah?" Your hips move a little, rubbing against his erection. "Then what are you waiting for?"

"Gonna be right back." He tries to get up, but you stop him.

"Condom?"

"Yep. Any preference?"

"Yeah, none if possible."

Bucky looks at you confused. "What?” He thinks maybe you meant the flavor. “I can find one without it."

"I meant no condom because I'm on the pill, so it's up to you."

"You sure?" You aren’t sure if he’s excited or surprised.

"Why wouldn't I be? As long as you are clean."

"Want me to bring my blood tests?"

You laugh a little because you know he means it and you couldn’t help but imagine him dutifully showing you the papers. "I will take your word for it, Mr. Barnes."

"Mr Barnes?" He repeats amused as he spreads your legs properly. "Are you gonna call me that when I come inside you, too?"

"Mr. Barnes sounds too formal for that. Gotta find something else for that moment."

He grabs and positions himself at your entrance. "I'm sure you're creative."

You push your hips impatiently. "I will find something fitting."

He enters you without waiting, but he's careful not to hurt you so he stops for a little. You throw your head back because of the way you feel with his cock inside you. A lower, nearly animalistic moan escapes your lips.

"Oh god."

"Please move."

He kisses you gently as he finally starts to thrust slowly. You are so wet that he's moving so smoothly, dragging your walls every time he pulls back and then filling you up all over again.

"Aren't you a wet little doll?" He shifts his weight on his elbows that he places on both sides of your head.

"I’m so unbelievably wet."

"Perfect." He buries his head into your neck and starts to move faster.

“I have been… imagining how… this would feel.”

"Did you dream about it?" He doesn’t miss the chance to ask that.

“Once.”

"Only once?" He tries not to sound disappointed, but he fails.

“Yeah, and I was surprised because I don’t dream about sex.”

"How?" He starts sucking harder.

“Ahh.” You moan softly. “During one of those fancy events.”

"Fuck." He lifts his head to look at you. "Did you dream of me fucking you in the closet? Or the baby changing room?"

“In a dark closet. Suddenly you are all over me.”

"Fucking you from behind? Or holding my baby?"

“You were holding me and- ahh. I was trying to- stay quiet. But- you kept fucking me- harder.” His hips move so fast now you can barely speak.

"Did you scream?"

“I was about to, but I woke up suddenly.”

"Fuck." He groans. "The worst. Did you finish the job?"

“Yeah.” You breathe out. “I was so fucking wet.”

"Just...." He closes his eyes. "I'm imagining you using your little fingers under your panties to play with your clit- Shit."

“And it wasn��t enough.”

"No? Poor baby." He leans in to bite your bottom lip for a few seconds.

“It was frustrating.” You moan when he moves his hips a little harder. “Nowhere near… this.”

"Nothing like my cock? Like us?"

“Nuh-huh.”

"God, can't wait to come inside you... to see you dripping."

“Shit, Bucky. You can’t just say things like that.” It makes you clench hard. You need to come. Now.

"Why not? So fucking hot." His thrusts slow down but become deeper at the same time. "Dripping down your thighs. Gonna clean that up for you and share it." He curses. "Gonna pass you my come in a kiss."

“Oh fuck.” His words, the image just pushes you over that edge. “I’m coming. Oh fuck, please don’t come. Not yet. Please.”

"Why not? Do you want me to pull out?" He teases.

“I need one more.” You say while shaking hard. “Just one more.”

"I'm right here," he whispers assuringly. “I'm inside you, not going anywhere. I dreamed about you too." He pauses to curse. "Fuck, I was fucking my bed."

“Tell me… tell me about it.” The orgasm keeps washing you in waves. Over and over again until it fades away.

"You were in my office at work. Came to talk about a gala or we were leaving from there, I don’t know. And we just... we were suddenly kissing and I was ripping off your dress. And I was simply fucking you all over the desk."

“How did it feel?”

"Not even close to this, but it was good. So good. I almost came in my sleep."

“You didn’t come?” You finally feel like your breath is going back to normal.

"I stroked myself after I woke up and came. A lot."

“Made a big mess because of me?”

"Mhm." He brings his fingers to your lips. "And you weren't there to help me."

“I’m here now.”

"Gonna help me this time?" His index finger plays with her bottom lip.

“Oh, I will.” You bite his finger gently. “And no mess this time. I’m here to take every drop of your come.”

"You sure you can?" He teases. "What if it's too much?"

“It’s all mine. I don’t care if it’s too much.”

"I'm all yours."

“Oh, Bucky.” You feel like you are melting. You kiss him on the lips passionately. “I’m all yours, too.”

"Yeah?" He smiles and starts thrusting faster. "Aren't you a pretty little doll? All mine, ready to take my come."

“Yours.” You repeat and that familiar pleasure starts to build up again, but you want to try something else. Something you have been imagining. “Can you… flip me over?”

"Sure," he answers a little surprised, and helps you move.

“I have been imagining how this would feel.”

"Thought you did it only once."

“You know dreaming and imagining are different things, right?” You tease him. You can’t see his expression, but you know he made a face right after hearing your words.

"How many times did you imagine it?'

“Oh, who knows? A lot of times.”

"Tell me what did you imagine when we were like this." He squeezes your hips, so turned on to see your on all fours.

“You fucking me hard.”

"How hard?" He teases leaning in to kiss your back.

“As hard as you can.”

As soon as he starts to properly thrust inside you, a few gasps and whimpers leave his mouth. The positions opens you up in a different way.

"God, this is... fuck me."

“Yeah, I would say- the same.” It’s hard to speak when he is pounding you like this.

"You're making such a mess on the bed, baby. Around my cock. God, so fucking wet."

“Should I apologize for the mess?” You ask cheekily because he seems so gone.

"You should." He squeezes your ass. "By making a bigger mess."

“I think- that’s- possible.”

"Yeah?" He fucks you even harder, properly using his knees and your hips. "You gonna come?"

“Yeah! Please!”

"Please what?"

“Please, daddy.” The words leave your lips before your mind can register them.

"Holy fuck, what did you just say?" He barely manages to keep going, just slowing down. He looks at you as if he doesn't know if he imagined something, and that's how you realize what you said.

“Shit! I’m sorry. I’m really sorry.” You start to panic.

"Hey, baby." His voice is soft, assuring. "What are you sorry for?"

“I didn’t mean to say it out loud. I was just… thinking that.”

"God, baby." He tries to turn your head to look into your eyes by grabbing your chin and titling it up. "You think of me as your daddy?"

“Is it bad if I do?”

"Yeah, it's bad because I can come any second when you call me that." He kisses your forehead. "Be a good girl for daddy and try to come, okay?"

“God, Bucky.” You moan because of his words. You’ve imagine this, indeed, a lot of times, but hearing it? It’s something that can’t be described.

He pulls your hair. "Daddy."

“Oh, fuck.” It turns you on even more and you don’t know how that’s even possible. “Yes, daddy.”

"Did you imagine this, too?" He is leaving you breathless with the way he is pounding you, yet he still demands an answer. "Did you imagine calling me daddy while I fuck you like this?"

“Yes.” You are so close to coming. So close that you can taste it. “I did- so many times.”

One of his hands finds your right breast and sqeezes. "Please, come for daddy. Gonna be a good girl and come?"

“Oh fuck. Oh fuck. Oh fuuckk, I’m coming!” The way your orgasm hits you makes you lose the last drop of control you had over your body. You can’t think of anything beside Bucky and how good he’s making you feel. His pace quickens for a second before he comes. He doesn't manage to warn you he's coming too, but he doesn't have to. His moan and the feeling of his come are enough.

He keeps it going until both of you finish and when you do, the only thing that you can hear is your loud breaths. Then you feel a trail of kisses all over your back.

“Oh my god,” you finally manage to speak.

"Just Bucky." He reaches your neck. "Or daddy."

You laugh. “God, you are so smug.”

"Smug?" He smiles and pokes your skin with his tongue.

You turn around, finally fully facing him. “Yeah, daddy is real smug.” It feels so good to be able to call him that without worrying about anything else.

"Thank you."

“Who knew Bucky Barnes had a daddy kink?” You can’t help but say.

"Not Bucky Barnes himself." He snorts.

“You just found out?”

"Yeah." He burst into laughter a bit embarrassed. He’s never thought about being called daddy before, especially not in bed, but with you? With you, it just makes sense. It feels hot.

“Oh god, I am so lucky.”

"Did you always have a daddy kink?"

“I didn’t even know I had one before meeting you.”

Bucky's smile is so big. "Fuck, I am the lucky one." He kisses you properly now, immediately trying to open your mouth by licking your bottom lip.

“I thought I would freak you out, but look at you, fully embracing it.”

"How could I not?"

“You liked it that much, daddy?” You wrap your arms around his neck playfully.

"God, I did. You're so hot when you say it. And the way you looked at me."

“How did I look at you?”

"Can't even explain it... I just wanna see that over and over again.”

“Well, you can.”

He scrunches his nose in the most adorable way possible. "Thank you."

“For what?”

"For everything. And for wanting me."

You frown because of that last part. “What does that even mean?”

"Boring older man."

“Handsome older man, who I have been fantasizing about for a while.”

He giggles shily. "You make me sound like a dirty dream."

“Well, it’s because you are.”

"You are mine too."

“Lucky us.”

"You might never get rid off me." He kisses your forehead.

“I might be okay with that.”

It has been a while since you started to date Bucky. After that night, everything slowly started to fall into place. You found a great balance between your lives and your relationship, always making time for each other. You spend a lot of nights at his place. It doesn’t feel like his anymore, it feels like you are living together. Everything is so natural.

“I just got the most unexpected call ever,” you say, still feeling fairly surprised by the job you got offered.

"What was it about?" Bucky is still in bed, surprisingly. He's usually the first the get up and go to the kitchen in the morning.

“Mrs. Moore called me to ask me if my bakery could do the catering for their next event.”

"Oh my god. That’s amazing."

“It is! But I am not sure if I can actually do it.”

Bucky frowns and immediately taps on the bed. "Come here."

You listen to him and continue talking while moving closer. “I haven’t given her the final answer yet, I acted like I need to check in to see if we are available, but the more I think about it, the more I notice how hard it would be.”

"I am gonna say something, but I don't think you'll like it."

“You will say you can help me out.”

"Yep." He gives you the biggest smile. "But it doesn't take away anything from your success or your efforts, okay? Just hear me out."

You take a deep breath. “Okay. I’m listening.” You have been warming up to the idea of him helping you. Maybe not financially, but he has been helping you. He has the best ideas and a great perspective. So you won’t say no to hearing him out.

He reaches to hold your hand.

"Let me take care of the transport and hire the extra stuff who can serve at the party. I'll call a friend." He pauses. "Just this once, okay? You can curse me out later, bit let me help so you can get more jobs in the future. This is a great opportunity."

“How did you even know I needed help with transport?”

"Baby," Bucky giggles at your confused pouty face. "It's a first experience. You don't have employees for this and it's a big party." Then he shurgs, like it wasn’t that hard to guess.

“Transport, service staff, and extra place to store the food. These are the problems I need to solve if I wanna do this.” You list the things you need to be able to take this job.

"Is that a yes?"

“That’s an I am considering it.”

In response, he simply raises on his knees and kisses you, with his hands on your neck. "Good girl."

“I didn’t say yes yet!”

"Ihm."

“If you assume I will say yes, it’s definitely gonna be a no.”

"No, I am very, very, very fucking horny right now."

“Just because I might say yes to your offer for help?”

Bucky blushes. "It's very hot. And I'm so hard..."

“Jesus… You really want a sugar baby, don’t you?” He must have. He loves the idea of taking care of your every need. That would explain why.

"I just like doing this for you."

“Do you like being useful or do you like spoiling?” You insist. You want him to say it.

He makes a sound from the back of his throat. "Can we just focus on you?"

“No, please… Tell me why exactly this turns you on.”

"I don't know." You see the sides of his neck getting red.

“But I wanna know.”

"Please, just..."

“Gimme an answer and I will give you one back.”

He takes a deep breath but doesn't look at you. "I just love spoiling you even though you don't let me."

You smile. “I might let you a little bit.”

"Just..." He sighs embarrassed. "Just ignore me, okay?"

“This is me… saying yes.” You spell it out for him.

"For my help?" He finally looks at you.

“Yeah.”

"Wow.” He sounds completely surprised. “This is... great." He tries to keep his emotions under control. "Then go ahead and uhm, call Moore back as I send a few messages, okay?"

“She can wait a little bit longer.” You gently grab his erection. He has gotten really excited just because you let him help you. It’s just unbelievable yet you love it. You love that he cares about you this much. “I need to take care of daddy first.”

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ghostbeam · 7 months

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empty til she fills | fuyumi todoroki x reader

You’re beautiful, really. It’s truly no wonder why they chose you for the job, every line and curve and fold. They’ll never be able to capture you the way you really are. Nothing compares to the real thing.

Her eyes gaze over your neck, down your chest, over your stomach, your thighs. That familiar hunger sits in Fuyumi’s stomach, aches in her jaw. She wants to bite you everywhere that she can, really make you bleed. But Fuyumi doesn’t feed from anything but animals, and it’s not like you’d satisfy her hunger anyway. She’s given up on that feeling a long time ago.

Notes: Hiiiii everyone!!! This is the first installment of vampire empire and it’s all about fuyumi!!! It’s much shorter than I thought, but when it was done it was done u know? I love her I think she should be allowed to go apeshit and drink blood and not hold back if she wants to!!!!!!! Let her fuck!!!!!! Anyways yeah thanks for reading!! (title from vampire empire by big thief) u can listen to the playlist for the whole anthology here! Also I made a Pinterest board!

Warnings: 18+, minors dni, f! reader, explicit content, dark content, angst for like the briefest moment, violence, vampires, detailed descriptions of blood and gore (on both reader and another person), murder (u kill someone! It’s offscreen tho), blood kink, biting, drinking blood (fuyumi drinks from reader, u both drink from the dead man), biting and drinking from already open wounds, fingering, oral (reader eats fuyumi out!!! Yay!!!) (bloody), bloody sex, reader is sort of a masochist, soooo many commas, a line completely stolen from fascination (1979) cause I had to ajsjsjsjs, perspective changes between u and fuyumi like a lot idk I’m sorry she spoke to me<3

words: 4.3k

Fuyumi has always been a little unsure of what to do with her hands. When she sits, when she walks, when she kisses, while she waits. Where does she put them? Where do they go?

It’s the same, squeezing porcelain clay through her fingers, molding and shaping and running a wire through the middle and cursing when it doesn’t topple over. She’s bad with her hands, but she loves it, lumpy mugs and all.

And her mugs are lumpy, most of them break in the kiln, but whatever she’s proud of, she sends to her brothers.

She’s never been much of an artist, and all the years she’s lived (many, many years), none of it ever interested her. But when you’ve done everything, there’s no harm in trying. And so even though her pots and bowls end up twisted and misshapen on the wheel, she tries and tries until they’re at least a little bit useful.

The truth is that there, in the studio, surrounded by people who do all the same things that she does, mess up and try again, break things when they don’t turn out, or smash fragile wet clay held together by careful hands, Fuyumi feels human. She makes mistakes. She screws up. It’s something she’s never been allowed to do before.

Plus, you’re there.

The anatomy class pays you to model. Sometimes, she sees you run around in your long robe, buying snacks from the vending machines or remembering something you left in your car. She’s completely enamored with you, with your humanity, how free you seem. She’s envious, in a way, but really she just likes you, wants you—wants to bite you. Which is dangerous for Fuyumi because she stopped feeding from humans ages ago.

You collide on a Saturday night, left alone in the studio, separated by one wall. Fuyumi works late because she doesn’t sleep, and one of the owners of the building had given her a set of keys to lock up when she leaves. When she opens the door to the pottery studio, you’re out in the hallway, slapping your palm against the door next door and murmuring soft no’s as you peak through the glass. You have half a mind to just bust the thing down, except now you’re not alone in the hallway.

Fuyumi. The pretty vampire with streaks of scarlet through her ivory hair, cute glasses perched on her nose, and hands you think about way more often than you should steps out of the pottery studio. You’ve caught her staring at you before, and you can’t tell if it’s because she knows of the similar condition you have in common, or if she’s as interested in you as you are in her.

You both pause, caught staring at one another. The only thing on Fuyumi’s mind is that you’re probably completely naked under your robe.

“I—um, got locked out.” You say, finally, blowing air you have no need for out of your throat like a breath. It must be nerves. “My clothes are in there. My everything is in there.”

“Oh!” She shakes her head free of the thoughts of your bare body. Then a realization, “I have a key!”

You move out of her way and let her unlock the door, jiggling the key in the lock and pushing it open. You grin, press your hands into her shoulders and let out a squeal of delight. “Thank you!”

“Yeah, no problem.” She speaks, willing herself not to melt at the feeling of your fingers digging into her flesh for a moment. She turns to leave, satisfied with the interaction, enough to hold her over for a lifetime, maybe. Your hands on her shoulders, your robe against your skin, your neck.

“Fuyumi!” You call, and she feels like maybe she’s dreaming, or maybe she’s hearing things. But when she turns around, you’re looking at her expectantly. “Would you wait for me? I don’t really wanna walk to my car alone at night.”

It’s a good excuse, you think. Fuyumi’s got that bleeding heart (or lack of one). She won’t leave you alone.

“‘Course! Yeah, I’ve gotta lock the front, anyways, so—yeah, I’ll wait.” She nods, stepping back into the room and letting the door fall shut behind her. She watches you untie you’re robe at the middle, and she spins on her heel, facing the door again. She hears you chuckle, and it makes her feel a little silly. You’re naked for, like, four hours every day. It’s not like you would care if she watched.

But Fuyumi cares, because she doesn’t want to see you naked for the first time like that. She doesn’t want to see you naked and know she won’t be able to touch you.

“Okay, you can turn around, now.” You speak now that you’re dressed. She turns and you walk toward her, locking elbows. She leads you outside, locks the door with your hand against her arm like she’s yours, and walks you to your car.

“Guess I’ll see you next week.” She tells you, pulling away from you to walk to her bike. You call her name and it’s deja vu.

“Do you want to go get coffee?” You ask, stopping Fuyumi in her tracks yet again. She turns.

“It’s eleven o’clock at night.” Fuyumi says like an idiot.

“I just—I wanna keep…hanging out.” You say, and well, so does Fuyumi. Of course, she does. “Your bike’ll fit in the trunk. I’ll drive you home after.”

So, she says yes, stuffs her bike into your trunk with the back seats folded down, and ducks into your car.

You drive like a maniac, and you listen to your music way too loud, and Fuyumi hopes she doesn’t look as terrified as she feels despite knowing she can’t die in a car accident. But you can, she thinks, so yea, she’s terrified. And you drive like this all the time?

But you both make it in one piece, skirting into the parking lot of a diner with a yellowing neon sign out front. Everyone knows you inside, greeting you with happy smiles and asking you questions about your life, details Fuyumi hopes to know after tonight.

You take her to a booth in the corner, sliding in next to her instead of across, thighs pressed up against each other as a waitress brings you both a mug of hot coffee. You order apple pie with ice cream, and Fuyumi envies the fact that you’re even able to eat it. Since becoming a vampire, she’s lost any appetite for anything that isn’t blood.

“So, when were you turned?” You speak, licking vanilla ice cream off the back of your spoon, head resting on you fist as you stare at her. If Fuyumi had a working heart it would be beating out of her chest right now. “I don’t think you’re all that old. You actually seem pretty young. Tell me, maybe in the mid nineties, early two-thousands?”

Fuyumi opens then closes her mouth, unsure of what to say. How could you have possibly known (besides the fact that you got the decade way off)?

“I was turned in ’87 by an old boyfriend who couldn’t control himself.” You shrug, revealing the information like you hadn’t just told her that you, the little human she’s been so fascinated by lately, are a vampire.

“You’re a vampire.” She says—a statement—not a question, because of course, you’re a vampire.

“You didn’t know?” You ask, softer. She shakes her head, stares at the booth in front of her. She feels your fingers underneath her chin, and she’s not sure how she never noticed it before, but you’re hands are freezing. She lets you guide her to look at you. “Hey, are you okay? Did I freak you out?”

And it’s not that you’re a vampire. It’s not even that you’re a vampire that she was convinced was human. It’s that she wanted to bite you, wanted to feel that pop and gush, drink from you what’s not actually even being pumped through your body anymore, blood that’s lying dormant in your veins. And the thing is, she still wants to.

“I think I’m just shocked.” She speaks, willing herself to calm down, accept the situation, adapt. “I haven’t met another one of us here in town. It’s new, but it’s…good. I’m actually a little excited about it.”

“You don’t sound excited.” You observe, letting your hand fall to her thigh.

“I am—no really. I am.” She grins, leaning toward you. “How come you can eat real food?”

You think maybe she still hasn’t processed everything yet, the smile on her face a little unnerving. And there’s something in her eyes, raw, dangerous, hungry. It makes you shiver. “I never lost the appetite.”

“It tastes good to you?”

“So good.” You nod, unknowingly moving a little closer. Two girls pressed up against each other in a booth in a dark corner. Two vampires. Two monsters.

You’re there later than either of you expected to be, fingers intertwined, hands brushing away stray hairs, and words whispered against ears, tucking your face into her neck when you laugh at something inappropriate.

When you leave, Fuyumi tugs on your hand, interlocks two fingers as you walk to your car. You drive just as bad, but she doesn’t think she minds it this time. To die by your side, and all that.

When you drop her off at home, you scribble your number on her wrist with a green glitter gel pen and resist the urge to do something drastic like kiss her or invite yourself in.

Fuyumi realizes she’s left her bike in your trunk, her only mode of transportation to the studio besides walking. She eyes the green glitter on her skin and opens her phone.

left my bike in ur car:/ pick me up to go to the studio tmrrw? Read 2:22am

be there at 10 sent 2:24am

u can sit in on my class sent 2:25am

…

She does sit in on your class the next morning. You hold her hand and show her where to sit, a view of both the artist’s sketches of you and the actual you draped over a couch. It’s probably inappropriate to sit there all horny in the middle of this art class, but you won’t stop looking at her. You know exactly what your doing, mimicking the rise and fall of your chest like you’re breathing when she knows you’re not.

When the class ends, Fuyumi leaves to make more misshapen mugs, taking a few out of the kiln she thinks she’ll give to you. As the sun sets, both of you get ready to leave, and you’re at the door to the pottery studio by the time Fuyumi is done cleaning her space. You’re a little disappointed you missed watching her on the wheel, her pretty hands shaping the clay like you’ve seen her do many times before. You knock on the door frame, and she looks up at you, grins. Her hair is tied up, pieces of hair falling over her face, her cardigan falling down and exposing her right shoulder. You can’t get over how pretty she is, a little messy.

“Hi.” You speak.

“Hey. You ready?” She asks, throwing her bag over her shoulder and walking towards you. You always want to watch her walk towards you—never away.

“I’m ready.” You nod, intertwining your fingers with hers when she makes her way towards you. You drive Fuyumi to your house, your arm over the console and your hand on her thigh.

Your place is small, really just big enough for you. The walls are a mauve color that Fuyumi decides she likes, tiny star shaped twinkle lights hang over each window instead of curtains, a bundle of violets stuffed inside a beer bottle sit on your coffee table, books and dvd’s and records all stacked against one another with what seems to be no sense of organization in your bookcases. It’s really not much for a vampire.

She sets her tote bag carefully on the counter, red and white checkered, pulling two of her signature misshapen mugs from inside. One painted blue with tiny yellow stars and the other lined with terribly drawn strawberries.

“These are for you.” She tells you, turning to face you as you’re bent over your stereo, looking for a station you like. Bits from the past stick with you like a refrigerator magnet. Fuyumi wants to remember the look on your face when you turn around and see her gift for the rest of her life.

“I love them!” You gush, rushing over to pick both of them up. “They’re perfect. One for me, and one for you. We’ll drink blood from them with our pinkies up and cheers to LeFanu.”

Fuyumi laughs, says nothing about the blood. “I’m glad you like them.”

You turn around, opening one of your cabinets open with a finger, setting the mugs down on the counter and moving two snoopy holiday mugs on one shelf towards the back. You set the gift down in their place and wave a hand over it like your presenting them on a gameshow, “I’ve replaced the snoopy mugs with them. That’s a big deal, you know.”

“I’m honored.” Fuyumi grins, moving around the counter to stand near you.

“You should be.” You lean a little closer to her, let her hand brush against your hip, hook her fingers in your belt loops. You nudge your nose against hers, and she takes that as a sign to kiss you.

Chapped lips meet yours, hungrier than you expected, much less soft than the girl before you. There’s a burning in your gut, her hands, those hands you’ve payed so much attention to, pressing into your hips, pulling you flush against her front. You let out a moan when she swipes her tongue against your lip, your bodies pressing closer and closer like you’ll become one person. She moves her leg in between your thighs, pressed up against you, and your mouth falls open in a gasp, one she wastes no time taking advantage of, all tongue and teeth, all her, her, her.

The two of you end up on your couch, unable to make it to the bed. If you had to wait any longer, you think maybe you’d both explode. She eats you out, there in your living room, makes you come three times in a row, familiar hungry eyes never stray from your own.

…

She doesn’t talk about the vampire thing. Ever. She goes quiet when you bring it up, busying herself with something else like washing the dishes in your sink or trying to find something to watch on tv. You mostly let it go because you know Fuyumi. You know how fascinated she is by humans, how she envies them, how that envy and fascination is the very reason you’re together now.

And maybe it should hurt you, the fact that believing you were human was the one reason she’d been so interested. But you know her, bleeding unbeating heart and all, she loves you. She loves you and your monster, she just doesn’t love her’s.

It’s difficult to drag the body through your house alone, vampire strength being something you hadn’t been blessed with once you’d turned all those years ago. Fuyumi sent you a message that she’d be at the studio late and would probably just end up going home instead of coming over. You figure you have time to drain this guy of all he’s worth, pack him up into little tupperwares in your fridge and be done with him by morning.

You’ve done this a million times before, dragged a body out to your back yard, fed from it until your satisfied before saving the rest. It’s enough to last you a couple of weeks. It’s a good system.

You don’t hear the sliding door open, you just hear Fuyumi say your name. You look up at her, blood on your mouth, your neck, your hands, fangs poking out underneath your top lip. You’re sure you look terrifying, but it’s the look on her face that scares you.

It’s disgust, and betrayal, and anger. It’s tears welling up in her pretty, gray eyes and her mouth falling open and closed at the sight of you.

But Fuyumi, well, Fuyumi wants to join you. It’s taking everything in her not to fall to her knees and sink her teeth into the neck of this possibly innocent man. She wants to drink and kiss you, and drink, and touch you, and then drink some more, this time from your neck. But Fuyumi doesn’t kill for blood, and she thought that neither did you.

“I can’t believe you.” Her words are quiet. If you both hadn’t been outside on a completely silent night, you don’t think you would have even heard her.

“Fuyumi…” You begin, standing up from where you’d previously crouched down, blood on your hands falling against the concrete in sticky splatters. She takes a step back like she’s scared of you.

“You killed him.”

“Fuyumi,” another step.

“Stay there.” You stop. It’s not supposed to be like this. She’s supposed to love you. She does love you. You have to tell yourself that.

“I’m a vampire. What did you expect? This is who we are.” You try to explain.

“It’s not—it’s not who I am.” She shakes her head, flashes of red appear behind her eyes, the teeth of her brothers, her hands covered in blood the same way yours are now. Laughing, hollering, arms tangled together, the last time they’d all been with each other, the last time they were happy.

“It is. It is who you are. Fuyumi, you’re starving.” Your words seem to do something to her, her mouth falls closed. A decision is made, and her feet take her closer and closer to you and the body on the floor.

She wraps her hand around the back of your neck, thumbs through the blood you’re covered in and kisses you. She licks the blood on your lips, moaning from either your tongue or taste, you’re unsure. You pull her close, blood smearing against her white t-shirt. She pulls away from your lips, kissing your jaw and your neck, poking her tongue out to lick up the mess. You place your hands on her cheeks, pulling her back to look at you.

“Come here.” You whisper, pulling her down as you crouch to the ground. “I want you to drink—I want to share.”

She lets you pull her down, taking your hand in hers, slippery, slick. You move away from his neck, leaving it open for her, urging her. This is what she wants. There’s something about drinking from your bite in the man’s neck. You’ve been here, you’re bite is her bite is her blood.

And, god, is it delicious. She drinks, lets it fall down her throat in large gulps, dripping down her chin and neck. A sound escapes her throat, guttural, everything she’s deprived herself of having, here in between her teeth. She watches you while she drinks, eyes looking up through white lashes, reaching a hand out to hold you by the wrist, grounded. She pulls away, heaving, even though she has no need for breath. Her lips, saturated in red, begging to be tasted.

“You’re beautiful like that,” You speak, squeezing her hand, “with his blood on your mouth.”

She kisses you, all tongue, her fangs catching on your bottom lip. She pulls away and pushes you down, lets you bite the other side of the dead man’s neck, pets your hair as you drink. It goes on like this for a while, kissing, drinking, touching, whispers of please and oh, god and both of your names over and over until you’re a jumbled mess of words and sounds and blood and guts.

You stumble, half naked through the door, Fuyumi’s hands and lips all over you. You don’t make it to the bed, a habit the two of you have seemed to form, falling down on the hardwood, limbs all tangled. With her shirt already discarded outside, you thumb the hooks of her bra open, throwing it to the side. Blood has dripped from her throat down between the valley of her breasts, and you lick it up, feeling her back arch as she hovers above you.

She kisses your neck, almost frantic. Her fangs brush against your skin like she might sink into you, but she doesn’t, just kisses you so sweetly.

“Can I bite you, please?” She moans. “I need to—I’ve wanted to—”

“Yes.” You interrupt her, throwing your head back against the floor and baring your neck to her. She wastes no time sinking her fangs into your flesh, blood pouring into her mouth. Coppery and sweet, a hint of licorice and cherry—Fuyumi thinks she can’t get enough. You gasp, hands grabbing at her waist, fingers digging into her sides enough to leave a mark. You’ve never felt pain like this, all agony and bliss.

She smiles at you, bloody, when she pulls away. A part of you is her’s now, nestled between her ribs, living in her stomach. You taste yourself on her lips, hands pulling at her jeans, your leg moving between her thighs to grind against her cunt.

You flip her onto her back, sucking on her neck, venturing down her body. You pull her jeans from her legs, along with her underwear, spreading her legs. She’s so wet, thighs sticky with arousal as you run a finger through her folds. A whine escapes her lips as you thumb over her clit. With your eyes on her, you press your tongue to her entrance, watching how her face contorts in pleasure. It reminds you of the way she’d stared at you while drinking from the man, hand clutched to your wrist, not once daring to look away, With one hand, you reach up to do the same, bloody fingers circling her wrist as you devour her.

She writhes, arching her back and grinding against your face, a mess of slick and blood pooling in your mouth as you bring her closer and closer to orgasm.

“Please!” She cries, “please! Oh my god!”

Her moans only spur you on as you speed up the movement of your tongue, squeezing her wrist as you let her move her hips against your mouth. She comes with a strangled cry of your name, legs shaking around your head, falling limp against the floor as you lick at her swollen clit. You pull away, rising from your place in between her thighs to hover over her.

“Like that?” You ask her, placing soft kisses against her jaw. She manages a soft mhm before moving her face to kiss you.You run your hands up and down the sides of her body, “so pretty…”

“Let me touch you.” She begs, pushing herself up onto her elbows. You nod, letting her maneuver you so you’re on your back again. She kisses you again, swirling her tongue against yours, tasting herself. In a way, part of her is yours now, too.

She slips her hand into your underwear, gasping at the feeling of how wet you are. You take the opportunity to lick into her mouth, moaning against her lips as she slips two fingers inside of you. She pulls away from your mouth and eyes the open wound on your neck. You lock eyes with her, nodding in approval, allowing her to bite you again.

She bites and curls her fingers inside you at the same time. A choked scream escapes your throat at both sensations. You move your hips as she pumps her fingers in and out of you, her throat bobbing with each drink she takes from you. It’s overwhelming, and so satisfying, being the consumed for a change.

Her thumb brushes over your clit and you jolt, gripping her waist as she brings you closer to the edge.

“Kiss me!” You cry, “Fuyumi!”

She pulls away from your neck, watching how the blood flows from the wound, continuing her movements against your pussy. You pull her down to kiss you as you come from her fingers. You’re both moaning against each other, passing your blood between your tongues. She pulls her hand from between your legs, stares at the pink-tinted slick and how it webs between her fingers before wrapping her lips around her fingers and sucking them clean off.

She smiles down at you, hair a mess, glasses-less as they’d fallen off much earlier. You press your palms against her cheeks, admiring her. This Fuyumi is hungry, and bloody, and the furthest thing from human. You love her like this. You’ll be her’s forever, if she’ll have you.

You pull her into the shower with you, washing the blood from her hair and her back, taking turns and watching the blood swirl down the drain. She cleans the wound on your neck, and places a bandage over it, though you know it’ll be healed by morning. You place her glasses back onto her face. The two of you fall into bed, finally, arms and legs tangled together, huddled closely. She rubs over the bandage on your neck.

“Next time, I wanna bite you, okay?” You ask, nudging your nose against her. She lets out a laugh you’re excited to hear for the rest of your immortal life and nods.

“I can’t wait.”

#fuyumi todoroki x reader #fuyumi todoroki x you #fuyumi todoroki x female reader #bnha x reader #bnha smut #ghost.writes #ghost.fic #vampire empire

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em-writes-stuff-sometimes · 1 year

Text

How to Write Medieval Smut - A Guide to Insanity

Well, hello. You’re here for that very important reason, aren’t you? You got a hankerin’ for some dude in a tunic and breeches or a lady in a sexy-ass gown, sayin’ some old-timey stuff in a swag accent. They make you feel things. You wanna do things with them. You wanna write about doing things with them. But how to go about it?

Please keep in mind I was asked if I could share some tips; I’m not a writer by any means, but I AM a fanfiction addict, so I like to think I’ve picked up on some important stuff over my years as a horny reader. Without further ado, let me just - well. Get into the nitty-gritty.

1. THE BASICS

If you are going to write anything, you need to consider some key things. Firstly, are you confident in your punctuation? This is one of the biggest elements to readability, and English is one of those languages that totally sucks when it comes to the rules of properly punctuating sentences. And even then, in narrative writing, you CAN play fast-and-loose with the rules; but the key is to know when to do that.

We can’t cover everything here, of course, but I’ll just share one of the most important things when it comes to writing dialogue. You must always punctuate within the quotation mark. If someone is just saying something, it’ll look like this:

“They’re over there,” he said.

We use the comma (,) to join these two clauses together. This is because ‘he said’ is NOT a complete sentence by itself - it needs the previous clause, ‘They’re over there’, to make sense. If you have someone exclaiming or asking, you do exactly the same thing as above, just switch out the punctuation mark:

“They’re over there?” he asked.

“They’re over there!” he exclaimed.

Even though we traditionally understand that (!) or (?) ENDS a sentence, it functions differently inside a quotation mark. That is why the next phrase ‘he exclaimed’ does not start with a capital ‘H’. I admit I am guilty of forgetting this rule at times!

If you are unsure of your punctuation, see if you can find a beta - someone with a little more confidence in writing who can pick up those little mistakes and correct your grammar. Hell, hit me up here if you want - I’m a demon with the grammar, and I’m always down for it. Just know I’m quite merciless with the edits, haha!

2. WORDS TO AVOID IN MEDIEVAL SMUT

If you’re writing medieval smut, you have to think about the types of words that might not be used in old-fashioned time periods. One of the quickest ways to jolt someone out of the immersion in your story is to start using commonly-accepted euphemisms for acts or parts from today’s world. SOME words are from the approximate time period, e.g. clitoris, but aren’t traditionally used in medieval entertainment. Here’s some of the words I can think of that you shouldn’t use (bold), as well as some suggestions for what you can replace it with (= italics):

Clit, clitoris = pearl, bud

Dick, penis = cock, length, member

Balls, testicles, sac/k (only use this one in conjunction with one of the latter list) = stones, jewels, pouch

Boobs, titties, boobies, badonkadonks = bosom, breasts (polite), tits (vulgar)

Vagina, vag, pussy, vulva = cunt (vulgar), cunny (a little less vulgar), entrance, core, womanhood, mound (for vulva)

Asshole, anus = arsehole (English sp.), hole (personally hate it but appropriate)

Butt, buttcheeks, bum = arse, rear, backside, bottom

I’ve actually researched the above and these are all era-appropriate! When in doubt, consult a thesaurus or dictionary to determine time period of origin! Also, might be worth adding this little addendum below - appropriate names for ‘slutty’ or ‘skanky’ characters.

Ho, skank, slag = slut (only as ‘slut’, if you want ‘slutty’, use ‘sluttish’ instead), tart, trollop, hussy, whore

Hope this helps!

3. DESCRIPTION

Don’t be afraid to describe beyond actions - so much smut has the bare minimum ‘he sticks his peen in, in-out-in-out, nut, goodnight’. Describe the experience - what does something look like? Feel like? Taste like? Don’t be afraid to get weird with it. For example:

While your husband takes his respite, you look inquisitively down at his softening length – your dealings with this part of him only ever feature him firm and forbidding, a lance with which to impale your depths with raw impunity. Even lying sated against the sac of his stones, its dimensions are considerable, and you do not think even in its current size that it would be effortless to take within you. A fleshy fold of tissue has extended itself over the purpled head, no doubt protecting it from injury in its unused form.

Basically, this is an extended piece about what a soft dick might look like, lol, including some foreskin action. Try where you can to reference body parts like this euphemistically - especially if writing as a highborn individual. They won’t know terms like ‘foreskin’, because it’d be considered impolite and vulgar.

My absolute number one tip is to use a thesaurus - try to find ‘smart’ ways of phrasing what you want to say. When I’m writing conversationally, I sound like a literal child or a moron (or both, honestly); but the bit in bold above is ALSO me, written specifically for the purpose of narrative. People in past eras spoke differently, and they likely would have had a wordier internal dialogue. Don’t be afraid to shy away from that. But please - PLEASE - cross-reference your chosen word to make sure you’re understanding it’s meaning, as I’ve seen all too many times someone using a word that must have had a similar meaning to their original word, but the translation over does NOT work.

This is all I can think of for right now. Anon, I hope this works for you. Thanks to anyone who bothered reading this, haha! My final piece of advice - read the writing of other people. Pick it apart, and figure out how to emulate that style if that’s what you like. Human beings learn best by imitating others; it’s how we learn to speak as babies, and move around, and interact with people. If we can do all that, then by GODS we can write detailed smut, haha!

Good luck!

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daughterofthequeen · 9 months

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The Last Moments of Solace

Pairings: Ezra Bridger x reader

Request: I saw that your request are open and I was hoping that you could write an Ezra Bridger (season 4) x reader?? Maybe fluff and smutty?? Maybe reader can be also a Jedi of his age? For the plot…mhhh…maybe something based on episode 6 (season 4) or episode 17 (season 3)?

Warnings: Suggestive content cus I don’t write smut yet, yet, fluff, kissing, groans, moans, the overuse of comma’s

A/N: I’ve been wanting to write lately, and I’m so excited to start. And this request just reopened my Ezra hyper-fixation. And I’ve been wanting to write my first series too, I just haven’t figure out which one of the characters I’m currently invested in, to do it on first. You just made the choice harder Anon, you’re no help😫!!! (nahhh I’m just kidding I love you for this, I forgot how much I loved my first Star Wars crush🥰🧡) Ezra had 11 year old me giggling and kicking my feet every Monday night before I had to go to bed 🤭. So I chose episode 6 of season 4 but I couldn’t find a way how to incorporate the reader into the show that I liked so, it’s taking place in episode 7 so technically it’s still based on episode 6. This is my first time doing suggestive too btw and I’m very nervous so cut me some slack pleassse🧡

Y/N POV

How did we get here?!

This was only meant to be a recon mission. But no, Sabine just had to get the data recorder and the hyperdrive. Which is good use for the rebellion, but it still doesn’t stop me from wanting a easy day. Next thing I know there’s cats, Thrawn, a wolf, troopers, me and Ezra falling over crates, then us jumping into the newly designed TIE that Sabine hijacked. Which was a nice touch may I add. Well it was, until we found out it had a kill switch that we barley got out of alive. And that lead to us on top of a nice loth wolf, that only me and Ezra could remember since Sabine fainted and didn’t wake back up until we got back to the hideout. Yeah, it was a lot.

The Next Day

Currently me, Ezra, Zeb, and Jai were collecting the hyperdrive, well trying to anyway we couldn’t find where we left it.

“Hurry up.” Ezra told Zeb after he lifted up his mask to his scout trooper uniform. Identical to the ones Jai and I were wearing.

“Where’s the hyperdrive?” Zeb asked looking around the rocks.

“Over here somewhere.” Ezra replied. “Jai keep watch.”

“Over here somewhere? All these rocks look the same!” Zeb whispered frustratedly

“It was dark and we just crashed, we didn’t have time to make a map!” I whispered just as frustrated, sassily putting my hand on my hip. Suddenly we heard the meowing of a white loth cat, like the one from last night sitting on top of a rock.

“Hey, when in doubt follow the loth-cat.” Ezra said while smirking, causing me to lightly chuckle.

“You’re kidding right?” Zeb asked hesitantly as we walked towards it. “You and your loth-cats.” Zeb told Ezra as they moved the rock revealing the hyperdrive. As they started moving the hyperdrive, a small empire ship flew over us towards the crash sight, and I got a strong feeling that we had to hurry, to speed up the pace I grabbed a hold of the back of the hyperdrive to help them move it onto the trailer.

“Uh, Ezra, we have to problem.” Jai called while he was looking into his binoculars.

“What is that?” I asked while walking up beside Jai.

“I don’t know, and I don’t think I want to know.” Jai responded.

Ezra turned to Zeb. “We’ll draw them away, you get the hyperdrive out of here.” He said as me, him, and Jai, closed our helmets and started walking towards the weird bounty hunter looking guy who was using all four of his limbs to run.

“Just let me blast it.” Jai said anxiously, on the left side of Ezra while I was on the right.

“It’s ok, I can get us out of this.” Ezra said in an unsure tone.

“You don’t sound too confident about that blue.” I said also feeling his unease.

Ezra let out a breathily chuckle at the nostalgic nickname that he remembers you giving him back when you both first met.

“Yeah well, I know you have my back no matter what.” He said. Hearing his smirk under his helmet, I can’t help but smirk too.

“No doubt.” He has no idea how right he is, I would do anything for him. But our small moment was cut short when the assassin made it to us, sniffing?

“LS-3226, LS-3227, and LS-3228, reporting. We’ve checked out this area and found nothing. Should we continue our search?” Ezra once again sounds unsure, but this time it’s understandable given this guy is up close sniffing his armor. Jai slowly raises his blaster, ready to shoot but I try to discreetly raise my hand to tell him to wait so, he wouldn’t blow our cover.

“No.” Is all the bounty hunter said before turning the opposite direction then quickly turning back around swinging at Ezra to catch him off guard, but Ezra was able to dodge and punch him instead until the hunter was able to trap Ezra with his legs, and that’s when me and Jai let loose with our blasters. Though the hunter was extremely fast as he dodged and our stray bullets were landing all around Ezra.

“Don’t shoot me, shoot him! Blast it!”

“I’m trying, I’m trying!” “What do you think we’re trying to do blue?!” I yelled back and the hunter was quickly running towards us and quickly dodging our shots so, I lifted up my helmet and force pushed him into a boulder as soon as he made a jump for Jai.

“Jedi.” The bounty hunter stated as Governor Pryce made it use and recognized or faces immediately.

“It’s Bridger and (L/n), blast them!” Pryce ordered.

As shots were coming towards us, me and Ezra took out our lightsabers and started blocking blast. Then the three of us jumped on our speeders.

“How many of them are back there?” Ezra asked then I turned around to check. “More than enough! Let’s try to loose them in there” I replied pointing to the sea of rocks, as I seen the bounty hunter coming towards us with a disrupter and I quickly took out my lightsaber and blocked him.

“Can’t this thing go faster?” I said already tired of this assassin guy.

“Hold him there. Just hold him there!” I looked to see why, just in time to see Jai in front of us going in between two rocks and understood Ezra’s idea. The hunter caught on and turned off from us to keep from crashing. That’s when the troopers behind started firing, but Ezra was able to dodge them. I seen a overhead we were speeding towards and took out a bomb and threw it. Causing the large rock to explode and block the troopers. But the hunter was moving to fast to stop so he sped up making it over the piles of rocks and I took my shot hitting the speeders engine causing it to explode and the assassin jumped off just in time to grasp onto a rock before he could fall, and glared at us. I smirked, then looked forward to see Ezra do his signature two-fingered salute and we sped off to the campsite.

We made it back skidding to a stop and seen Kanan walking towards us. “Good job, looks like our hyperdrive problem is solved.” Kanan said as we got off the speeders.

“Yeeeah well, you know how one problem usually leads to another?” Ezra asked Kanan

“Yeeah?” Kanan question in an annoyed tone knowing where Ezra was going with that question.

“We have another, and its small, creepy, and very dangerous!” I explained dramatically as we started walking towards everyone else.

————————————————————

Jai, Ezra, and I went to change back into our regular clothes, while everyone else was discussing the plan. Just as I was finished fixing my shirt, I felt two arms wrap around me and a nice sensation on my neck. I smiled knowing it was Ezra due to the affection and me sensing him as he was walking towards me. I sighed in relief, finally able to let my muscles release their tension even if it’s only for a minute. I closed my eyes and rested all of my weight into him taking a deep breath, lazily looking over my shoulder as he moved up from kissing my neck to my cheek. I giggled lightly and turned my body slightly to meet my lips with his and the deep soft groan he let out drove me crazy. I ran my fingers through his short soft hair, causing him to groan again, this time a lot stronger, precisely why I did it. I moved my hands down to rest them on top of his, that had started massaging my hips bringing out a soft moan from me. I released his lips and opened my eyes to see his lips chasing after mine to reconnect them. I leaned back still trying to catch my breath, but eventually I gave back in as he knew I would.

“You okay?” He asked while our lips were still pressed together continuously trying claim each others, I almost didn’t hear him.

“Mhm.” Is all I could reply back, but I knew better, when it came to my well-being mumbled answers are never accepted, especially after a mission but with his soft lips intertwined with mine I couldn’t focus. He pulled away causing me to whine and turn around completely wrapping my arms around his neck to pull him back down to me, but he wasn’t having it.

“(Y/n)” was all he said, I opened my eyes and responded back with a sigh.

“I’m fine, Ezra.” He frowned as if he didn’t believe me. “I promise.” I reassured him bringing my hands up to his face gently rubbing the permanent scar on his left cheek. He sighed and leaned into my touch, then leaned back down to capture my lips again. His hands started moving under my shirt, thumbs starting to rub my stomach. Enjoying the sensational buzz it was bringing me, I reached down to the waist of his pants to start unbuttoning them, until we heard someone clearing their throat and we jumped apart from each other. It was Hera. A strong heat immediately went to my cheeks, as I hurriedly fixed my shirt and smiled like everything was normal, awkwardly seeing Ezra out the corner of my eye quickly rebutting and zipping his pants back up before quickly turning around with the same smile.

“Hera! Heyyyy! What’s up?!” I say trying to act casual, but that was way out the window. I could tell with her with the way she was standing. Arms crossed with her hip poking out to the side with a small smirk on her face. I looked up at Ezra to see him turning red as he looked up somewhere over Hera that I couldn’t pinpoint.

“I came to check on you guys, and to see if you wanted to see how Sabine was coming along with the hyperdrive, but I can see you two are already preoccupied.” Hera stated

“Oh no, we weren’t doing anything important, come on let’s go.” I said trying to move pass the awkward moment missing the way Ezra head swung to me with a offended frown on his face.

We made it to the ship Sabine was working on. “How’s it going?” Hera called out.

“Well it wasn’t easy but I got it patched in. Still I give it a 50/50 chance of working.” Sabine explained.

“I’ll have to live with 50/50.” Hera responded back, when I felt Ezra’s dread and turned towards him and seen what he was looking at.

“Oh no.” He whispered. “We’re out of time!”

We quickly finished packing up a speeder-car with the supplies to send with Jai, to our allies.

“We’ll hold off the Empire until you’re clear, we’ll signal rendezvous coordinates later.” Ryder tells Jai

“And if we don’t hear from you?” Jai asked worriedly

“You will.” Ezra reassured him.

“Alright Bridger, good luck.” Jai said then sped off.

We all got ready to defend Hera for her take off, lining up behind some empty crates. I looked over to Sabine after seeing her move out the corner of my eye, seeing her looking at something behind us. I turned to see Hera and Kanan kissing. I smirked still a little shocked. “It’s about time.” I said as we all got ready to defend ourselves.

“We won’t stand long against those tanks.” Zeb stated

“We have that transport and a bike.” Ryder explained until the transport was blown up.

“How many can we get on a bike?” Zeb asked and I playfully rolled my eyes at the question. Until I hear a wolf howling and felt Ezra nudge my arm.

“There! That’s our way out.” He told everyone as continued to stare at the wolf that helped us last night.

“Loth-wolves?” Ryder questioned

“Look they helped us before, we should follow them.” Ezra told Ryder still a little unsure.

“Are you serious?”

“Do you know the way out?!” Ezra asked the wolf who immediately started running in a opposite direction after his question.

“Come on.” Ezra said grabbing my wrist and running to catch up with the wolves.

“Kanan?” Sabine asked worriedly.

“Seems like the best idea we got, let’s go.” He replied breathlessly

“This is good, when it gets strange like this, it’s a good thing.” Zeb reassured Ryder.

“How have you people stayed alive so long?!” Ryder yelled following everyone else.

We all were running after the wolves. Well Ezra was, we were following him.

“Ezra wait up!” Zeb called out which he ignored

“Ezra!” Sabine yelled this time.

“I don’t want to lose them, come on!” Ezra finally replied starting to run after them again, but stopped suddenly seeing the wolves all laying down, lowly growling as everyone else caught up.

“Hold it, stay back.” Ezra warned

“Why have they stopped?” Kanan asked

“I don’t know.” Ezra replied as he started walking towards the white wolf who seemed to be the leader of the three.

“Ezra, wait!” I whispered trying to reach for him but he dodged me.

He walked up to the white wolf slightly crouched and carefully talking to it.

“There is a way out of here, isn’t there?”

“You wanted us to follow you, didn’t you?”

“What are you waiting for?” All these questions Ezra was asking and the only reply the wolf gave was looking up at Kanan. Which made me uncomfortable.

“Kanan? Kanan it’s looking-”

“-At me I know.” He cut Ezra off and walked up to the white wolf. “What does it want?” He asked, that’s when the wolves got up and walked into a cave.

“I guess they were waiting for you.” I said as I walked up to them.

We all walked down into the cave, Sabine turned on her flag light looking at cave drawings.

“There are images here of people, people following a wolf.”

“I guess we’re not the first ones.” Zeb said

“Hold on. Shut your light off.” Ezra told Sabine. We were in complete darkness all we could see was the wolves eyes and listening to the wolves still lowly growling.

“What now, Ezra?” Kanan asked

“I’m not sure.”

“There wasn’t a picture of wolves eating those people was there?” Zeb whispered to Sabine.

All of a sudden the cave started shaking, dust and rocks falling, proving the cave wasn’t going to last long. The wolves looked up growling louder.

“The Empire’s bombing the mountains.” Ryder stated

“We’ve gotta get out of here!” Ezra stated turning seeing the white wolf tail in his face, and looking up to see the wolf nod.

“Everyone join hands.” Grabbing a hold of the wolf tail.

“Ezra?” I said unsure.

“Just do it!”

“The cave is going to collapse.” Zeb stated.

“There’s no way out of here.” Ryder said

“That we know of.” Kanan said trying to reassure everyone.

As we walked deeper into the cave a bright blue glowing light started to appear similar to hyperspace when we walked into it. Next thing I know, we’re all waking up in a cave, but it’s a totally different one.

“Where in blazes are we?” Zeb asked shocked

“Let’s find out.” Ezra said walking outside, the rest of us following.

Sabine came up with a data pad. “Uh, you’re not going to believe this. We were in the northern hemisphere, now we’re in the southern hemisphere. Somehow we’ve moved halfway across the planet.”

“Huh.” I said seeing the wolves go back into the cave with Kanan, so me and Ezra followed.

“Kanan?” I called out making sure he was ok.

“Look around, tell me what you guys see.” Kanan told us.

“This place reminds me of the Jedi temple here on Lothal.” Ezra stated as I walked to the pictures on the walls.

“The walls are telling a story. There are people coming down from the sky, I think they might be Jedi.” I told Kanan.

“There’s a message here for us.” Kanan said.

“What, because we’re Jedi?” I asked confused.

“Dume.” The wolf said.

“What does that mean? The wolf said it before.” Ezra asked.

Kanan took off his mask, shock on his face.

“Dume is my name. Caleb Dume is the name I was born with.” Kanan told us placing his hand in the wolf’s head.

“How does the wolf know that?” I asked even more confused than before.

“It has a deep connection to the force, to the energy of this planet.”

“Don’t all living things?” Ezra asked.

“This is different. More focused. Like it has a purpose.”

“And we’re apart of it?” I said starting understand in a way.

“I’m getting the feeling building the TIE defender isn’t the worst thing the Empire is doing here. There’s something else, something more sinister.” Kanan stated worriedly.

“Dume.” The wolf said while backing up into the shadow disappearing. And as the sunlight made its way further into the cave revealing that nothing was there but a wall with a picture on it, and a crack through the middle of it.

“So? All the paths are coming together, right?” Era asked

“Yeah, I’m just not sure if we’re going to like where they lead.”

“Do we ever?” I said sarcastically causing Kanan to scoff in amusement .

“No and yes.”

“I wonder if Hera made it.” Ezra said worriedly causing me to wonder as well.

“I know she did.” Kanan reassured us, he then placed his hands on our shoulders and walked outside with everyone else, and we followed.

————————————————————

A/N:

Sorry this took me so long anon. I wasn’t sure if I liked this or not. I’ve edited this too many times, but you’ve waited long enough. Just let me if you like it and if not, I’ll try to edit it to how you like. Thank you for requesting anon! I hope enjoy!

#star wars x reader #star wars fanfiction #star wars #ezra bridger x reader #star wars rebels fanfic #ezra bridger #star wars rebels

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dieing-lilac · 11 months

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Hi again IEYTD community. You guys are like. So welcoming? I wanted to post again, but I’m actually working on some stuff like a part comic part uh fic thingy thang. It’ll be here eventually. In other news, here’s John. Below cut is me being a theatre kid in real life, pointing out things I haven’t noticed people talking about?

Also, before read more, I wanna say, if anybody wants to like send a message or anything and talk to me abt IEYTD I’d love to chat :3. I’m a bit cautious so I may seem skidding, but I’d love to make some more friends :D

Ok so. Folds my hands.

First off, I wanna point out in the intro, the line “If the worlds a stage, let’s set it on fire.” is a reference to a monologue in a Shakespearean play (sounds about right), search “All the worlds a stage” if you want to check it out. The line referenced is the very start of the monologue, originally going (putting whole sentence, comma indicates a linebreak) “All the worlds a stage, and all the men and woman merely players; They have their exits and their entrances; and one man in his time plays many parts; His acts being seven ages.” I can’t find much relation to Juniper’s story with this monologue, but I put it out in the world so maybe somebody can. It may just be there as a well known monologue reference? Unsure!

Next off, the fun part. The first mission, Operation: Stage Freight. The play being shown is The Masque of the Red Death, a real play based off an Edgar Allen Poe book. The shorthand, is it’s about a prince who hosts a lavish party in his castle, while the red death is ravaging the outside world, believing himself untouchable. Eventually, some stranger comes in, I’ve seen this stranger interpreted as Death itself, though also a victim of the red death is a possible interpretation (and may be more fitting here?). The prince goes to confront this person, and ultimately dies. I wanna note that the prince does call for the strangers execution for the “insolence”, and when nobody steps up, tries to grab the person himself.

This wasn’t any sort of coincidence, the choice of play. Both from Juniper’s choice, for where they were planning on killing the whole (? Been a second since I watched the mission at full attention) audience, with the literal mask representing the Red Death. But also? I think our John Juniper, who’s playing the prince? I think that’s some good symbolism. I don’t have the energy to continue this right at this, but like. If you read the book/watch the play, you’ll see it. That was intentional casting and play choice from devs and Johnny boy alike, and I think this has a lot of potential we as a fandom haven’t seemed to tap.

That’s all, thank you for reading :3

#ieytd #ieytd2 #i expect you to die #i expect you to die 2 #John Juniper #ace does art #ace does analysis #is it obvious im a major theatre kid? Maybe. But cmon #This dramatics is like a baited trap.#I have fallen for a box and string trap and I’m not shocked at all. My friends are next.

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undercoverpena · 1 year

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jo sharing and caring

mental health awareness week starts in the uk tomorrow and this year’s theme is anxiety.

i know i share lots of nice stories, but after some convos the last few weeks, i realise i share very little (not just on here, but in my life) about my anxiety.

while i owe no one any of this, i just know when i was first wandering the trenches unsure what my brain was doing, i'd have loved someone to have shared their story. even if this terrifies me. so, because i advocate so much in my personal life, here's the curtain pulled back on jo, my struggles and anxiety.

TW: for talks of anxiety below

i face anxiety every single day, and have done diagnosed for several years, and undiagnosed for a lot longer.

the first time i think i had anxiety. i was young, less than 10 and i didn't want to go to my birthday party. i sobbed. i couldn't explain why, but there was something about going i did not want to do. my mum (bless her) tried to convince me otherwise, until i climbed into my little bed and begged her to not make me. each time she picked me up, i fought. when i got past the threshold of my bedroom door, i remember her telling me to breathe and i was panicking until i was sick.

when i was diagnosed, i had sessions with a therapist. we talked at length about my childhood and that moment was the first that i handed them without question. they nodded, scribbled (as they do) and we moved to another, and another, and when i told my mum all of this, she looked so heartbroken, because to her:

i'd always just seemed a bit sensitive.

i don't blame her. i was her first child, and for the most part, in my bedroom playing make-believe i was happy. as i got older, that happiness was harder, and i began to mask how i felt, eventually bursting into uncontrollable tears for no reason and being dubbed 'over sensitive'.

i got so good, i sometimes don't know when to put that mask down. even now, I hide behind jokes and disguise the broken days in pieces of my writing. sometimes, they’re far easier to spot (narrows eyes at a few pieces), sometimes they’re not. there are days I am on here, I am not okay and there are others where I am more than okay. there’s no pattern, no reason. I may reblog differently, but I like to act the same. put up a front, and put others at ease—i want to be there for people, be a support, a rock...

but, that means I am not always honest.

I don’t like to show that I’m crumbling from imposter syndrome, that I don’t feel talented or good enough. and i think it allows people to make assumptions that I’m put together, that i’m confident and strong, and the last person who deals with horrid thoughts.

i'm not saying this so people treat me differently or change their perception, and i'm not sharing for brownie points or for people to flood my inbox, but rather because the first day someone first told me all of this, i felt a little less alone.

i wouldn't have had that without writing. they first slid into my DMs about my writing all those years ago, told me how my work made them feel and i felt... seen? happy. and we began talking and it was like someone was living inside of my brain.

and, what linked us, is writing. it's one of the things I've found that had truly helped me. it has always given me an escape—and because of it, I've had the amazing chance to meet so many friends who have become lifelong.

at the beginning, i was bad. and that is me objectively saying that. I’m self taught. I’m on the scale of dyslexia. I don’t know where to put a comma to save my life. but, I kept going, and still do. and it was hard, even more so working with other to better myself and take critique when my brain just kept telling me to quit. some times, i even did. closed my laptop and told myself i'd never write again.

i always ended up going back on it.

somewhere, still on the internet is those first years of fanfics, for a fandom i don't partake in, living their somewhat-best-life.

and this isn't to say i’m perfect now. but i am a work-in-progress. i try, and i find joy in creating and sharing.

at the time, and even now, it’s not how ‘good’ I think I am that gives me a spark to carry on. but rather that writing gives me a place to process, to try and channel the overthinking into linear thoughts I can process. characters guide me down paths to acknowledging I’m hurt, that i’m sad, that I am overwhelmed and even angry.

there are more than a handful of stories that have bled from me, tears on the phone screen as I sobbed, shoving the pain into tales that you may have read.

sometimes, reading those pieces back makes me happy that i can channel it into something pretty. make the anxiety feel less ugly to have and to carry. i also know when i don't write, i feel my brain get more full.

when i'm in a low-mood especially, writing is hard. and it's something my family use now to judge what scale i'm on by asking: 'what you been writing'.

because even to them I hide. i function, i show up, i often give far too much of myself to others even if I really want to ask people to help me. it’s the slight aversion to answering if I’m okay. It’s the way I’ll shift the convo to something someone has said. it’s that I’m masked my entire childhood that as an adult I lack the tools to be entirely honest. I put a smile on, I do well at my job and I’m able to talk to push myself to do things that terrify me. so I seem fine?

but, mental health struggles can look different. and that's the point of this stupidly long post.

“you don’t seem like you struggle like me” “you post so much, you can’t really worry about it”

no one means anything bad when they say the above. and worse of all, I laughed both of them off. because again, I don’t want to make anyone uncomfortable.

but truthfully? …some days are really fucking hard. and I don’t admit that enough. and it isn’t because I worry you’d all judge me, but because I don’t like giving into it: the anxiety.

i don't want to admit out loud that i struggle all the time, not always big, and sometimes small. that I agonise. I worry. and each time I post anything here, I do so purposely close to my bedtime so I can logout. fear pounding through me that this will be the story where everyone turns on me.

I worry that each interaction will be taken the wrong way. that I’ll make a connection, and it’ll change (all because one did years ago, got ugly, and it led to me not posting for over six months).

I keep myself awake that I said something wrong and people are mad at me. I replay over something from the day, churning over how I could have said it better, how I could have acted better. I’ll message friends in the middle of the night reminding them I love them incase I haven’t showed it in a while.

and the one that most can relate to… I don’t feel good enough. I don’t think I’m worth anything. I have no value. not just here, but in my day job too. a thing which crippled my progress there for the last year until a writer I work with told me that if they didn’t think I could do it, they’d have told me—not to hurt me, but because it wouldn’t be fair.

brain demons cloud the truth. and they cloud the progress you've made.

they cast shadows over things that bring us joy, purposefully, because it’s their job to isolate us. they’re purpose is to make me feel like I can’t write, can’t create—because it keeps them at bay.

all of this is to say, if you’ve gotten down to this, people struggle similarly, but they can also struggle differently.

mine, for example, feeds other things that I have to live with. it makes me sad, it makes me compulsive; it makes me overthink and it often makes me have anxiety attacks. there are days I don’t want to get out of bed, and some where I want to charge out of it so the day ends quicker. but, I’m not an expert. just a person living with anxiety with a side salad of depression and ocd. I’m just a person on this site you may know, or may have only just discovered.

i don't always show how broken i am, i don't always show that an ask has got to me or a conversation has worried me. i don't always ask for help, and i don't ever want to make anyone uncomfortable. i care more about what others think, and even less about myself; i'd rather stay up late making someone feel better, than ever begin to work through my own issues.

but that is me. all of it. as honest as you'll likely get. all beautiful, chaotic, anxious and a bit of a mess, that jo girl that writes.

which is why I have to remind you im not an expert. that if you’re struggling, talk to someone. a friend, a family member you trust, or a medical professional.

while erupting into a fountain of tears on a poor consultant pharmacist hadn’t been the top of my todo list the day I began getting answers, I do not regret it. but I know that isn’t easy, and I know it’s not as simple for others to get that help. but if you can, try.

brain demons want you to feel alone, they want to isolate you, so don’t let them. they truly don’t begin to climb into the box they came from without a little help, whether that’s medical, writing, or a friend.

thank you for coming to my jo talk, and I'll shut up now 🩷✨

#tw: mental health #tw: anxiety #jo's thoughts #mental health #anxiety #also did i queue this for when I went out because I was scared?#yes yes I did hahaha

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phillipsgraves · 1 year

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— oc interview

i was tagged by @natesofrellis, @echo3-1, @leviiackrman, @queennymeria, and @shellibisshe! thank you ❤ fatigue was hitting bad this week + i was struggling to decide who i wanted to do this for LMAO

no tags bc i am definitely certain everyone's already done this, but i'm in a visionaries mood so i will be borrowing @jendoe's girl divya to read mattie for filth 😌

[two chairs scrape against a marble floor]

MATTHIAS: Is this really necessary? Sharing personal information quite literally goes against my contract.

DIVYA: Don't worry, this is all confidential. I just need to know more about who Rafe's been slinking around with. I mean, what journalist makes half as much as he does?

MATTHIAS: A good one, I'm guessing. [he dusts off his suit] But fine, let's get this over with.

DIVYA: Thank you. I won't take up too much of your time.

— Name?

MATTHIAS: ...Really? Matthias.

DIVYA: Full name. For prosperity.

MATTHIAS: [he hums, speaking slowly] Svendsen, comma Matthias Erik. Matthias with two T's. Erik with a K. Better?

DIVYA: Not exactly Hollywood material... but it'll do.

— Are you single?

MATTHIAS: [long pause, then he sighs] Is this necessary? It's complicated.

DIVYA: Is it really? I saw you yesterday with—

MATTHIAS: It's complicated. Next.

— Are you happy?

MATTHIAS: Are you a journalist or my therapist? I'd be happier if you'd let me smoke.

DIVYA: And get the stink of weed all over the living room? You'll live.

— Are you angry?

MATTHIAS: I will be with another question like that.

— Are your parents still married?

MATTHIAS: My parents are dead.

DIVYA: [she clicks her tongue] That wasn't the question.

MATTHIAS: Does it matter? They're dead. [deep, beleaguered sigh] They were.

— Birth place?

MATTHIAS: Trondheim, Norway. Fjord's nice this time of the year. Would you like the color of my childhood home, as well?

DIVYA: Do you... remember what it was?

MATTHIAS: Red. Anything else?

DIVYA: Actually, yeah. Any tourist spots?

MATTHIAS: Vitensenteret i Trondheim. The science center, if you're interested in that sort of thing.

— Hair color?

MATTHIAS: Okay, is that really necessary? You're sitting in front of me!

DIVYA: Just for the record.

MATTHIAS: Blonde.

— Eye color?

MATTHIAS: Remember when you asked if I was angry?

DIVYA: Oh, don't be a killjoy, Mattie. C'mon, this is fun. Besides, you have interesting eyes.

MATTHIAS: [he grumbles incoherently] Left eye is blue, right one is green.

DIVYA: Which one's dominant?

MATTHIAS: If I told you, I'd have to kill you. [he pauses] Sorry, I just really wanted to use that line. Still a secret, though.

— Birthday?

MATTHIAS: November 29th, 1997.

— Mood?

MATTHIAS: A little hungry, actually.

DIVYA: ...Yeah, I'll DoorDash something when we're done here.

— Gender?

MATTHIAS: Uh... male?

DIVYA: [teasingly] You sound unsure, Mattie.

MATTHIAS: [he scoffs] That's not what I meant. Before you ask the follow-up, it's he/him pronouns.

— Summer or winter?

MATTHIAS: Winter, please. If I have to sit in this heat for another hour, I will kill someone.

DIVYA: Sounds like someone misses Scandinavian winters.

MATTHIAS: Not to be cheesy, but... well, Scythe Point isn't exactly a prime spot for the northern lights.

— Morning or afternoon?

MATTHIAS: I'm really a night owl, but... I'd say anything past midnight counts as morning, right?

DIVYA: I suppose you're not wrong. Do you ever sleep?

MATTHIAS: Of course.

→ EIGHT THINGS ABOUT YOUR LOVE LIFE

MATTHIAS: Can I just say, for the record, that I'm not looking forward to whatever you wrote down for this?

DIVYA: Yeah. [she laughs] I'm still gonna ask 'em, though.

— Are you in love?

MATTHIAS: I thought we already went through this?

DIVYA: [mockingly] Yeah, it's complicated. Are you really gonna keep up that tough guy schtick or are you gonna stop deflecting?

MATTHIAS: But deflecting deeply personal emotions is my favorite pastime.

DIVYA: Alana's having a field day with that, I bet.

MATTHIAS: Can we move on?

DIVYA: [in a singsong tone] Sounds like I struck a nerve.

— Who ended your last relationship?

MATTHIAS: [long silence]

DIVYA: [suddenly concerned] Uh... Mattie?

MATTHIAS: [he shifts in his seat, taking a sharp breath] She did. When she decided the guy in our music class was better company.

DIVYA: Okay, let's pause for a minute. You need a breather?

MATTHIAS: No. Next question.

— Have you ever broken someone’s heart?

MATTHIAS: Probably. I had a pretty big ego back then.

DIVYA: [she snorts] Back then?

MATTHIAS: [he chuckles quietly] Okay, maybe I still do. I was definitely worse back then, though.

— Are you afraid of commitments?

MATTHIAS: There you go again, sounding like my therapist.

DIVYA: I mean—

MATTHIAS: I'm not scared, just disinterested.

DIVYA: Whatever you say...

— Have you hugged someone within the last week?

MATTHIAS: It wasn't my choice, but...

DIVYA: But?

MATTHIAS: Alana's clingy.

— Have you ever had a secret admirer?

MATTHIAS: It was the worst kept secret in the penthouse.

— Have you ever broken your own heart?

MATTHIAS: Yeah.

→ SIX CHOICES

— Love or lust?

MATTHIAS: And what exactly does this have to do with me being affiliated with Rafe?

DIVYA: Just roll with it.

MATTHIAS: [he laughs out loud] Lust is more fun. I didn't sleep with the guy, though, if that's what you're so worried about. He's too high maintenance.

DIVYA: [she laughs along] Very funny.

— Lemonade or iced tea?

MATTHIAS: Lemonade. You don't happen to have some, do you?

DIVYA: [she laughs, as what can only be assumed to be lemonade is heard being poured into a glass, ice clinking] You're in luck.

— Cats or dogs?

MATTHIAS: Dogs are fun, but I won't say no to a cat, either.

DIVYA: [she giggles] There's a cat at the shelter that looks exactly like you.

MATTHIAS: Ah, Mattie Jr. Yeah, the technician has very kindly informed me of what you've been calling it.

— A few best friends or many regular friends?

MATTHIAS: A few best friends... though I'm not sure the rest of the penthouse thinks of me that way yet.

DIVYA: Do you?

MATTHIAS: Depends on the time of day.

— Day or night?

MATTHIAS: There's the question. Night.

DIVYA: You're from up north. Ever experience those—

MATTHIAS: Polar nights? Trondheim's just a little too far south, unfortunately. You'll have to go to Svalbard for that.

DIVYA: [she sounds amused] Look at you. If your contract doesn't work out, you could make a killing as a tour guide.

→ FOUR HAVE YOU EVERS

— Been caught sneaking out?

MATTHIAS: [in between bouts of laughter] Oh, yes. Mother was livid. I was sixteen and bored. Figured I could take potshots at the partridges nearby.

DIVYA: Partridges... you mean—?

MATTHIAS: Exactly. Partridges. Rapphøne. I suppose it doesn't sound as cool, now that you've figured it out.

DIVYA: It's... very you. I like it.

— Fallen down/up the stairs?

MATTHIAS: Yes, but— I was high. Jane's stairs are an architectural nightmare.

— Wanted something/someone so badly it hurt?

MATTHIAS: [a long pause, as he almost sounds breathless] Yes.

— Wanted to disappear?

MATTHIAS: Okay, seriously— did my therapist put you up to this? Tell her I'm coming in next week and I mean it this time. [he laughs] Yes, but what I do counts, I suppose. I can live with that.

→ FOUR PREFERENCES

— Smile or eyes?

MATTHIAS: Smile.

— Shorter or taller?

MATTHIAS: [he chuckles] Shorter.

— Intelligence or attraction?

MATTHIAS: I don't suppose I can't have my cake and eat it too, can I?

DIVYA: [she laughs] Nope, you gotta choose.

MATTHIAS: [he laughs along] Attraction.

— Hook-up or relationship?

MATTHIAS: I feel like you've just asked me the same question thrice with varied wording.

DIVYA: [she sounds innocent enough] Don't know what you're talking about.

MATTHIAS: Hook-ups. And I know what you're about to say, just— I told you it was complicated, didn't I?

DIVYA: Me? [she laughs again] I wasn't gonna say anything, Mattie.

→ FAMILY

— Do you and your family get along?

MATTHIAS: [inhales, as he starts to talk]

DIVYA: Yeah, I know, dead. What, you don't have siblings?

MATTHIAS: Nope, only child. But we did get along. Of course, they don't know what I do now. That probably would've changed things.

DIVYA: What do you do now? Does Rafe—?

MATTHIAS: Guess. And no, he doesn't.

— Would you say you have a “messed up life”?

MATTHIAS: [pointedly] We're in Scythe Point.

DIVYA: Yeah, I don't know why I included that one.

— Have you ever run away from home?

MATTHIAS: Surprisingly, no. I came close one time, though.

DIVYA: What happened?

MATTHIAS: My mother was very insistent on singing lessons.

— Have you ever gotten kicked out?

MATTHIAS: Nope. I was more or less an angel.

DIVYA: More or less?

MATTHIAS: Mhmm.

→ FRIENDS

— Do you secretly hate one of your friends?

MATTHIAS: Well... no, I'm kidding. Mostly.

— Do you consider all of your friends good friends?

MATTHIAS: [he sighs deeply] I suppose so. They have my back and I've got theirs. Nothing is more important than that in a city like this.

— Who is your best friend?

MATTHIAS: [he groans, slapping his palm against his forehead] Do I have to answer this?

DIVYA: Yup.

MATTHIAS: I suppose if I had to have one... Arlo would be the closest thing to one. But if he finds out and asks, I never said this, got it?

DIVYA: [she giggles] Scout's honor.

— Who knows everything about you?

MATTHIAS: [he clicks his tongue] Against my will? Arlo again. But Alana... well. She knows things that aren't on a paper trail. Things I'd never share with anyone else. You have anything else?

DIVYA: [sounds of paper rustling as she gathers her notes together] No, I think we're good. Thanks for doing this for me, Mattie. [she laughs] I wasn't sure how else to get to know you.

MATTHIAS: You mean this whole... interview was—?

DIVYA: Well, partially. I really did want to know more about the people working with Rafe. But I just wanted to know you in general.

MATTHIAS: [he sighs again, slightly annoyed] Whatever. Do you wanna go eat now?

DIVYA: Definitely.

[END TRANSCRIPT]

#tag games #this was fun! thank you lovelies #oc: matthias svendsen #friend oc: divya sherazi #long post #idea: visionaries

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captainsspnanon · 11 months

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C2E69 - The Kings Cage - rewatch reaction

The episode that should have been NiceTM, and was not.

Whyyyy are the subtitles so fucked for this episode? They’re covering Travis’s face! I’m guessing it’s because of the PC icons that showed up. Wait, is this the first time that this has happened??? *checks previous episode again* Oh man, I’m so used to seeing this that 1) I didn’t notice when it wasn’t there and 2) I didn’t realize that this was the first time they showed up! I don’t remember this fucking up the subtitles before or in other episodes….maybe this was first time issues?

I am super distracted by Matt not noticing Sam’s shirt.

Funnily enough, this entire scene matches what the one dnd playtest is talking about with warlocks. Sometimes they are the only one calling for a short rest and you have this disparity in what the players want to do.

It is now July 4th, I last touched this a full fucking month ago. I have watched ~30 minutes of the latest Candela Obscura, but am struggling to get into it (a sad reality of me and CR one shots and mini-series.) SO LET’S GET BACK TO THE DRAMA!!

...I’m only 17 minutes in….*starts over from the beginning*

Oh geez I forgot that this was episode 69. They went into this with teasing hype for months about ‘lul 69’ and then they got this heart wrench of an episode.

Sam and Laura play the “I have Not(t)” bit really well. There’s just a touch in Jester’s tone which is inserting a comma in there ‘I have, Nott’, but it’s a clever bit of attempted deception as well, even though it fails.

I’d forgotten that Nott claimed the flask defined her as a person. T.T Once the campaign is over, it’s easy to remember the goblin alcoholism as mostly jokes, but there were some really deep and painful moments. I don’t personally know anyone who struggles with addiction, so I know there are aspects of this emotionally that I don’t relate to, but there these small moments are incredibly well done. Sam talked about how he discussed Scanlan’s attempts at addiction with Brian, I don’t recall if he also went to him for Nott?

The juxtaposition of Jester very seriously expressing her worries to Nott about how when Nott is drunk, she’s less cautious and will run straight at things without looking for traps, versus everyone else loosing their shit when she says ‘or trigger them’. I’ll have to try to pay attention, but I think even after this RP, Nott still doesn’t become someone super careful about looking for traps. We, of course, know her big moments in the future (happy fun ball time!), but I’m unsure if Sam/Nott is more on top of it.

I really do love the push/pull relationship that Nott/Veth has with her family and her love of adventure. In hindsight, I feel like Sam managed to hold the balance of it very well and very realistically. For most of the PCs, I feel like the epilogues give me enough to have a very good idea of their lives going forwards, even if only for a while. Veth is the one I’m curious about the most though, how does she continue to balance her love of adventure with her family? The dynamics have certainly changed from how they were pre-campaign, and that helps a lot, but I wonder if sometimes she may instigate small things for the Nein to go on, or if she insists she get invited along to someone else’s trip (maybe one of the trips to Aeor?). Or does she find herself content with the chaos of the summer camp in addition to her homely life?

LOL Sam and Laura pushing for Caleb to have a chin that matches Liam, and Liam at every instance making it clear with official art that Caleb absolutely does NOT have a cleft chin.

Does the whip ever actually get used in combat? I know it gets given to Fjord when he loses his power…. TELL ME, CRITROLESTATS. Actually transcript search might be better for this, I don’t think critrolestats says what weapon is used. I think it’s only used in the Obann fight here, and then with the purple worm by Fjord, and then by no one else ever again. XD It gets mentioned in another episode or two as a possibility to use (catching someone who might fall), but I don’t think it does?

WE NEED MORE CALEB AND YASHA MOMENTS!!! Him suggesting she be in the middle of the group, her not being sure, him saying that protection is not a bad thing, her saying it could be and then almost asking him permission to be on the front, him making it clear he’s not telling her what to do. Seriously, this pairing has SUCH a good dynamic and it only gets better from here, but we have so little interaction. :( I will forever grump and mourn and exclaim that we need more Liam and Ashley scenes. We were robbed of Pike and Vax moments in C1, robbed on Caleb and Yasha moments in C2, and I could ALWAYS use more than we currently have in C3.

LOL at the matching nat 1s for trying to determine what the sigil is. Very very glad that Caleb had fortune’s favor and could re-roll. The sometimes frustrating aspect of dnd is some PCs failing at stuff they should 100% be able to do. I’m reminded of the Hand’s heart scene where Liam kept failing checks for Caleb where everyone else was succeeding, despite the fact that it was arcana related.

...Torog? Moradin? Sehanine? What’s with all these 5e names, Matt? I’d thought you’d thoroughly switched to unique epithets by now. You’re even using with with the Allhammer and Moonweaver!

Why do they immediately assume devil upon red skin, yellow eyes, two horns? They’re all gasping before he gets to the wings, but couldn’t he just have been a tiefling with the description?

Did we ever find out what Obann thought he was actually getting from the Angel of Irons? We know they opened abyssal rifts, and that they were trying to free Tharizdun (without knowing that’s what they were doing). So like, is it just an image of an angel saying ‘free me by doing this, oh and also tear the planes apart to let demons in?’ ..demons? devils? This is the hardest part of 5e for me, dammit. Demons. Demons from the abyss. But Obann’s a devil. Aaagh as much as I enjoy the angel of irons subplot, it’s also I think the sketchiest plot in all of CR with no clear understanding of goals or what or why.

...Is this the first “making my way”??? *checks transcripts* Oh, it’s not – the first was in episode 60. BUT I think this is the first time since then, so here’s where it becomes a running gag?

Huh, not letting Fjord get off his eldritch blasts that triggered the whole initiative.

“what do a devil and a tree have in common? Intelligence” …..not gonna lie, I don’t get the joke at ALL. Tasha’s Hideous Laughter would fail just because I’m so confused. I’m ASSUMING that it’s just calling Obann dumb….if so I feel like it would be better if the object were ‘rock’ or ‘brick’, based off of ‘dumb as a rock’ or ‘dumb as a brick’.

I’ve seen some people say that Matt picked up the trick of stating a DC ahead of time from Brennan, but here he just stated that Beau needed at 25 DC acrobatics to do a flurry of blows on Obann (she fails with a 22), so it’s something that he has done beforehand. I think it’s just not something that he prefers to do much.

Only two rounds to free the Laughing Hand? Well, I guess it’s something that Matt really needed to have happen so that makes sense. I think I would have liked three or four rounds to give the PCs more time to do shit, but that’s just personal preference.

Oooo!!! I forgot that over the break he replaced the sarcophagus mini with a broken open sarcophagus! Fun!

Counterspell a Shield! Not quite a counterspell a counterspell, but still sexy.

Ashley interrupting to inform Matt that because of her Ring of Protection, Yasha’s saving throw was actually 3 instead of 2. I LOVE HER.

I really love the moments where something truly horrible starts happening to the PCs (Yasha being turned against them, being an unwilling creature for Fjord’s thunderstep) and while the PCs are NOT happy about it, the players are stoked and excited! It’s a fun juxtaposition of the true fun of ‘what’s going on’ in the game especially when compared with the more settled RP moments where the players are in full PC mode and their personal enthusiasm is sometimes hidden by the RP. Fjord is furious with Yasha for betraying them, but here Travis is wiggling and singing “this is getting interesting!”

I’m not going to research it, and a comments check didn’t help, but I wonder how many PC rolls the Bless-that-should-have-dropped actually helped. Quick check of the livetweets for critrolestats, maybe Yasha’s saving throw against the Hand’s laughter, and the rest are Beau attacks. However, Beau had advantage on many of them, rolled consistently high, and I think actually forgot the bless a number of times? So honestly? I think even if bless had dropped correctly, things still would have played out the way they did. Oh wait...Fjord’s last hit for the HDYWTDT was because of bless. (very sad the the critrolestats livetweets did not include Ashley correcting for Yasha’s 2 to 3 for the wisdom save XD)

MIGHTY NEIN ONE SHOT ANNOUNCED AS FIRST LIVE SHOW SINCE THE PANDEMIC!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (though I’m seeing some people saying they’ll be level 20, but can’t find any actual statement saying what level they’ll be?? Hoping before I post this that someone will let me know)

Beau using Stillness of Mind to end fear, UGH SO GOOD. Seriously, with the new UAs and everything for the new dnd I keep hearing about how bad monks are, but I haven’t ever experienced it because Beau is so GOOD (and I haven’t played with a monk yet. Someone had done a monk/cleric multiclass, but that game ended while we were still in level 2 due to some session 0 miscommunications)

Lesser Restoration not being able to cure fear, but Greater Restoration does just seems weird to me. Like, Lesser can cure blind, deaf, paralyze, or poison. While Greater…..wait. Greater doesn’t cure frightened either! It only reduces exhaustion, ends charmed or petrified, undoes a curse, undoes an ability score reduction, undoes an effect that reduces hit point max. Fear is none of those. So, neither of the restorations RAW end fear??? Well, I guess that’s the reason for Calm Emotions.

NOTT GIVES YASHA A FLOWER FROM HER HAIR I’m having my heart being crushed by things I didn’t remember! And Jester knew that Yasha was controlled, she tried to Charm her back but it didn’t work! All I really remembered from the Nein was Jester being very sad and Fjord and Beau being very angry, I didn’t remember that others knew she didn’t have a choice!

Oh FUUUUUCK I never realized that when Fjord is brought down by Yasha, only to come back with Relentless Endurance, when he asks her “why” he asks her in his true voice. MY HEAAAART.

I know everyone mentions it, but Ashley’s exaggerated sad-face when Taliesin starts to count her then skips her for Bless, then Matt winking at her and her grin. Even when they have such heavy emotional episodes like this combat turned to be, signs like that are some of the clearest that they’re all still having a blast.

Obviously didn’t say much for the combat itself, I think my only ‘analysis’ of it is that it’s one of the higher stakes combats in C2, easily matching the level of some C1 fights. Even a good chunk into C3, C1 is still the reigning champion for most intense combats. While I don’t all into the hivemind that shouts that Matt takes it easy on them, I do think there are times when Matt is taking it HARDER on them, and this certainly was one of those combats. I really do enjoy the combats where they are fighting an intelligent and evil enemy who is fully intent on destroying them. You get such great tactics and some real creativity in those moments that you don’t get as strongly on a standard 6v1/7v1 creature combat.

Ending the episode with the side by side of Matt and Ashley as Matt gently narrates the confusion in Yasha, the uncertainty of if she is being controlled or doing this on her own, it’s beautiful, heartbreaking, and perfect. (aside from the fact that because of the table layout, they end up facing away from each other during the close ups XD Who knows, maybe that makes it more jarring to go with Yasha’s mindset?)

#cr c2 rewatch #critical role #the mighty nein

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burningdarkfire · 1 month

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books i read in mar 2024

[these are all short + casual reviews - feel free to ask about individual ones if u want my full thoughts or ask for my goodreads!!]

great pace for february! i’m in the complete opposite of a reading slump where i’m loving everything that i read 🤗

dark heir - c.s. pacat ★★★★★ (fantasy)

i don't know what it is about c.s. pacat's writing that makes character beats just hit so brutally hard but man, i wish i had it. i was absolutely insane while reading this book and i can't wait for the next in the series!!

the tainted cup - robert jackson bennett ★★★★☆ (fantasy mystery)

fantasy sherlock-and-watson is already a strong starting point but the world was really the fascinating part of this book! a civilization that experiences a recurring apocalypse is .. topical, to say the least, and RJB certainly believes in the fantastical serving the real

if an egyptian cannot speak english - noor naga ★★★★☆ (contemporary)

i love books about messy people in messy circumstances .. still unsure how i feel about the ending but damn if the author doesn't know exactly what she's going for

delicious in dungeon vols. 1-3 - ryoko kui ★★★★☆ (fantasy)

the anime seems to be a pretty true adaptation, but tbh there's a babygirl quality that is much more present on the printed page

swimming in the dark - tomasz jedrowski ★★★★☆ (historical)

extremely similar vibes to call me by your name so if you want more of the deeply moving gay european experience, it's here!

sadie - courtney summers ★★★★☆ (contemporary)

strong, evocative writing grounded in a gritty realism. it nails the catharsis but man, it is not a happy read

a scatter of light - malinda lo ★★★★☆ (contemporary)

great character work, i really enjoyed aria as a teenage MC. it was also very interesting to read this as a companion book to last night at the telegraph club and see the style and story transposed across the decades!

the death of vivek oji - akwaeke emezi ★★★★☆ (contemporary)

beautiful, flowery writing. it meanders but it's a book that demands patience from the first page, and it's worth the effort

parachutes - kelly yang ★★★★☆ (contemporary)

pretty serviceable YA except that the first third reads like it's from a completely different book lol so many things just get dropped but it's fun and an easy read

civil service - claire schwartz ★★★☆☆ (contemporary, poetry)

some poems were great, some poems read like they were directly off of twitter. i did like the visual aspect of this collection!

lavender house & the bell in the fog - lev a.c. rosen ★★★☆☆ (historical, mystery)

i'll read pretty much any mystery and a historical series with a gay lead is definitely enough to catch my attention! the historical context is fascinating and works at interesting odds with the genre - what is "justice" if you're locked outside of the system to start?

the midnight library - matt haig ★★★☆☆ (contemporary)

fine conceptually but it feels like the most basic and boring way this concept could possibly be written

no one can know - kate alice marshall ★★☆☆☆ (thriller)

totally uninventive domestic thriller without a shred of sense!

[DNF] the cooking gene - michael w. twitty ★★★☆☆ (nonfiction, memoir, food)

here is a man who loves a list! he loves commas! he loves packing ten different ideas into one paragraph! it was a fascinating read but too dense for someone (me) unfamiliar with the subject matter

#my posts #liveblogging books #books #reading wrap up

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gaianoire · 2 months

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an independent roleplay blog for QUEEN BERYL from BISHOUJO SENSHI SAILOR MOON. low activity / mun is 21+ .

🌏 i prefer the manga so that is the one i will be pulling from the most ! 🌏

side blog to @lunarnoire .

guidelines

i. this is a independent roleplay blog for queen beryl from bishoujo senshi sailor moon.

ii. this blog is low activity because of my personal life (work/life). this blog is also mutuals only and is a sideblog currently to @lunarnoire. all follow backs will come from there!

iii. no god-modding and/or meta-gaming! i’m aware that queen beryl is, obviously, a villain and as such does things villains do like… well basically gaslight, gatekeep, girlboss ™. this is my second time roleplaying a villain (i write black lady too) so i don’t want to step on anyone’s toes especially given beryl’s nature.

iv. i tend to match my partners in terms of length but sometimes my replies may be on the longer side. (i tag long posts with #long post if you need to filter it). i do accept criticism on my writing and how i can get better as i am to here to also improve my craft aside from having fun! i’m gonna be upfront with you guys right now and let you know that i have… issues with commas. i don’t use them as often as before but those little swiggles… daunting.

v. nsfw content like smut will not be present here!

vi. in regards to ships, the same thing from vii. applies here. if you’d like to plot something out between characters that isn’t pre-determined in bssm (at least the dark kingdom arc where queen beryl appears) such as family bonds or platonic, please message me so we can plot things out beforehand and then work our way through threads and development!

vii. regarding mains/exclusives… i do not practise exclusivity anymore due to bad past experiences! i’m still iffy on practising mains for the same reasons, so for right now mains are reserved for friends only. i apologize in advance, but it’s really more for my safety and comfort than anything. also if i’m being honest here… i tend to get to my threads depending on the order i draft them in so oldest first then newest which is another reason why i’m unsure on the status of mains here.

viii. regarding ocs and multimuses, you are welcome here! i typically do not follow if i cannot easily find your about page, rules, and muses page via mobile as i tend to be on mobile more than desktop.

ix. in closing, you are always welcome to message me if you have plot ideas or if you wish to thread, etc! if i miss any threads, replies, asks…, please let me know! if you have questions, please let me know! you can call me kairi. i’m over 21 and sailor moon has been with me all my life. 🥺❤ i’ve read the manga, watched both crystal and the 90s animes as well as all the recorded musicals, and i’m even a member of the official fan club! my other fave characters aside from black lady specifically are aino minako/sailor venus/sailor v, sailor galaxia, sailor ceres, michiru kaioh/sailor neptune, and fish eye! i just really love sailor moon… 🥺❤❤

x. this blog is not affiliated with toei animation, naoko takeuchi / p.n.p.. my headcanons and writing are my own. sources are from various official sources provided by toei and/or p.n.p. or they are from missdream or mintymoondrops or spriters-resource. my graphics (so icon border, page break image and stuff like that) / psd are made my me. my icon border was made put together by both myself & @.maidenkissed. my blog background was made by @.maidenkissed cuz i was really going through it when i was making one.

about

NAME: queen beryl

AGE: 20 something

DOB: november 1st

NATIONALITY: japanese.

SPECIES: human**.

GENDER: female.

OCCUPATION: queen of darkness, queen of the earth, queen of dark kingdom.

HEIGHT: 160cm, 164cm, 167cm, 168cm.*

HAIR: rose red, seafoam green as super beryl, jet black pre-corruption.

EYES: pale orange, fiery red as super beryl.

FACECLAIM: yuri nishina, akiko miyazawa, midori hatsukaze, nami tamaki, makoto aikawa, juri hirayu, rinko matsubara, aya sugimoto.

VOICECLAIM: keiko han, misa watanabe.

according to an dic adventure doll released by bandai during the 90s, beryl's likes are anarchy, bedlam and chaos. she dislikes sailor moon and the other senshi. her hobbies are snooping, spying, and sabotage and her special strengths are the ability to control her henchmen. her favorite food is liver ; her favorite color is black ; her favorite animal is a scorpion; and her favorite topic of conversation is world domination. it also lists her birthday as november 1st and her age as "twenty-something". i view beryl around the same age as whatever queen serenity is supposed to be - at least physically - so i will be using this old doll info from the dic dub at my disposal. lol

** - i view queen beryl as a human as she is from the earth kingdom during the time of silver millennium and was reborn as a normal human in the present age before , both times , being ultimately corrupted by queen metalia. beryl was a sage before metalia, an invader from the sun, noticed the conflictions and darkness in her heart and ultimately used that to her own ends. beryl is corrupted by the evil that is metalia and to symbolize this, her hair is no longer black but is instead brilliant red, her teeth sharpen into fangs, her nails into claws, her ears become pointed (naoko says her ears are like black holes in the materials collection), and horns grow out of her shoulders.

it's been a while since i watched the musicals but i remember beryl going through some real character growth and going through redemption in the musicals based on the stars arc. she is allies with galaxia and has a change of heart after witnessing / realizing her beloved, endymion, is dead. she helps sailor moon and the other senshi in the fight against galaxia and chaos and i believe that, in the end, beryl would've chosen redemption over the darkness if it meant endymion was safe. also cuz i don't think it's fair that the four heavenly kings are offered redemption or freed from their brainwashing depending on which canon you watch, but beryl is rarely, if ever, offered the same courtesy. i haven't decided if this will just be relegated to my musical verse(s) or not. i'll come to a decision once i finish rewatching the musicals. lol

the series never really goes into much depth about who beryl was before metalia, but i like to think that given what scraps we are given, beryl was a benevolent sage of endymion's court who adhered to the laws that both peoples of the moon and earth followed - which were ultimately broken by princess serenity and prince endymion with their forbidden love. beryl knew of their secret meetings and was jealous, however she never acted on this jealousy but instead suffered in agony wondering why her dear endymion did not have eyes for someone like her. this caused her to eventually come to dislike the princess of the moon which, in turn, caused metalia to offer beryl the means of which to take her love for her own. beryl, distraught and full of warped hatred, gives into metalia and becomes beryl , queen of darkness. with her newfound powers, she brainwashes the four heavenly kings to fall completely and utterly under her control. in a sense, i view her as the opposite of usagi - like a foil to her. i think pre-metalia , beryl was probably similar to usagi in a lot of aspects, but ultimately her love would become her downfall whereas usagi's would be her strength.

in the manga and crystal, beryl is wary of metalia and the power that she offers. beryl would rather betray metalia and be queen of the earth with endymion at her side then serve metalia.

my sister and i joked about this once when we were watching either crystal or pgsm together, but like??? what if beryl could also use her tiara as a boomerang like usagi too??? and so this attack would be called dark metalia boomerang!

i know crystal has usagi/sailor moon defeat beryl but i hated that so much cuz they took away a beautiful moment for minako to shine as a leader so in my crystal verse, i'm headcanon...-ing that minako/sailor venus was the one to defeat beryl.

im currently re-reading and re-watching the series (manga, both animes, live action, and musicals) so i might add more stuff here during my re-watch if i find it relevant. i also plan to sit down and play another story some time, too, but i'm not sure how long beryl is in that game. i tend to do this every year or so because sailor moon is my favourite series too! so there is that. lol

my interpretation of beryl is largely INFLUENCED by the MANGA and the musicals. i grew up watching the 90s anime. the first season as well as the promise of the rose movie are my favorites. i love, love, love, love the manga though, but i am not adverse to engaging with the 90s anime as like i said i grew up with it. i also love the musicals, too, and crystal. the dream arc is my favorite arc of sailor moon and i really love the sailor v manga too and my delulu dream is that someday toei will do another attempt at a sailor v anime and possibly even there will be a sailor v musical!! and game!!

*these are the heights of her myu actresses in order that they played her so yuri -> akiko and then the third one is for makoto and the last is for aya as i could not find heights for her other actresses.

my favorite musicals for beryl are eien densetsu and its revision (this is one of my favorite musicals in general outside of nogimyu and the dracul series as well as the nelke myus with satomi and hotaru as usagi.) and nogimyu. i don't remember much of beryl in the others outside of gaiden dark kingdom , the very first sera myu. i think the other bandai myus she appears in after eien densetsu are basically just eien densetsu with changes. outside of the manga/crystal, the primary source i will be pulling from for beryl is the eien densetsu musicals , nogimyu, and la reconquista.

Silver Millennium was a time of peace in the solar system. Each planet enjoyed the peace that the silver crystal brought up and all was well. There was that ancient rule that the kingdoms of the moon and the earth were forbidden from interacting and so the kingdom of the moon watched over the inhabitants of the earth ever diligently. Beryl was a kindly, beautiful sage. She was employed in the court of Prince Endymion and his parents - the king and queen. As Beryl was of different social statuses than the prince, she could only watch him from afar - only interacting with him during her royal duties as sage but those interactions with the prince were far and few between. She could say she knew the king and queen much better but alas. She only truly wanted to know Endymion.

She fell for the handsome and regal young prince. Her every thought was consumed by his presence to the point where she had befriended his loyal retainers in an effort to become closer to the prince and to learn his deepest secrets. She only had eyes for him, but alas. He never had eyes for her - only viewing her as a friend or perhaps a sister. His eyes were for the princess of the moon, Princess Serenity, and her alone.

Beryl discovered his feelings for the radiant princess one day. She was always watching him from afar when not doing her duties and had learned his secret - a secret only her retainers and her mother, and his retainers knew. No one else.

Beryl was consumed with feelings she had never before. It was a raging, bottomless jealousy that roared like a blizzard inside of her. She felt nothing but disdain and contempt for the princess of the white moon. She thought that without her, perhaps she and Endymion could be together.

These dark feelings caught the attention of Queen Metalia - a figureless evil entity from the sun. She wormed her way into Beryl's heart , plotting even further seeds of malicious feelings inside of her. she told beryl that endymion could be her's and her's alone with the tremendous power that she could give her.

power. yes, that's what she needed. she needed power to obtain what she wanted most. her love.

she took metalia's offer and she is offered wonderous dark powers to obtain her love and to help obtain metalia's goal.

beryl uses her newfound powers to turn endymion's trusted retainers, the four heavenly kings, under her command. with metalia's powers she also brings the entire earth under her control and endymion's parents lose their very lives in the process.

traveling to the moon with an army behind her, the denizens of the earth fight against the denizens of the moon. beryl eventually loses her life to sailor venus and her holy sword, lamenting that she was not able to have endymion to herself.

when queen serenity uses the power of the silver crystal at the cost of her life to seal away metalia and wish for her daughter to have a normal life, beryl and the other denizens of earth are sent there as well until they are eventually reincarnated in the future.

beryl is reincarnated like so many others from the time of the silver millennium and pursues a career in archeology. she travels the world for her profession and uncovering ancient relics and ruins makes her nostalgic for a time long passed that she no longer remembers. during these travels, she encounters the reincarnated four heavenly kings and through a cruel twist of fate becomes friends with them. they all find kinship over the mutual feelings that they have over a life they've long forgotten - wondering if it is just their imagination or if there is something more.

unaware of her awakening, aino minako awakens as sailor v with the help of her companion, artemis, and soon beryl feels something stir deep within her. a kind of hatred she has never known. before she would look on at the moon with a sense of passivity - never understanding why so many people worshipped the moon. now she would look on it with disdain and disgust - cursing the very thing so many loved. and deep within her breast would burn a love so damaging, it choked her. where was this man she believed to be her soulmate? where was he?

beryl returns to japan after work had brought her to the ancient ruins of greece. she had to get away from those structures... those structures that made images dance behind her eyes of another life. she was sure this time that that time was real, but how could she prove it?

as she asks this question, a disembodied voice calls her. it tells her to travel to the north pole, to d point where all of her questions would be answered. and so beryl drops everything to make her way to a place rarely traveled to - if ever.

the voice continues to call for her and soon she finds what she is looking for - a giant cave leading to the deepest, most darkest place anyone could imagine and as she travels further and further into the cave, she discovers the remains of her beloved's kingdom and soon finds an ancient door. the voice is louder this time, desperate, and beryl opens the door and is greeted by the entity known as metalia. she restores beryl's memories and powers - this time beryl is transformed completely. her once jet black hair turns rose red; her ears become more pointed and the insides look like black holes; her teeth sharpen into fangs; her fingernails point out into claws; stones grow forth from her shoulders and she feels herself grow taller, grow stronger, and when her eyes open, she is

BERYL, QUEEN OF DARKNESS.

metalia instructs her to find the four heavenly kings and bring them under her command once more - and she does. she finds them in their respective regions that they once had governed in ages past and so the dark kingdom is revived.

from then on, beryl and the four heavenly kings seek to gather energy to give to queen metalia as they search for the legendary silver crystal to gain control over the world.

beryl would eventually lose her life to sailor venus once more and her memories before she was corrupted come back and her love once more chokes her and beryl dies thinking only of endymion again.

verses

SILVERMILLENNIUM. this is my verse set during the silver millennium in sailor moon.

DARKKINGDOM. this is my verse set during the manga.

DPOINT. this is my verse set during the 90s anime of sailor moon.

CRYSTAL. this is the same as DARKKINGDOM as sailor moon crystal follows the manga - albeit with a few differences to my chagrin in the beginning.

REVIVAL. beryl appears in numerous musicals but this will be the general 'verse' that i will use for the bandai musicals. beryl appears in the :

summer 1993 dark kingdom revival musical and its winter (1993) revision.

summer 1997 eternal legend musical and its winter (1998) revision.

summer 1998 beginning of the new legend musical.

summer 2003 starlights musical and its winter (2004) revision, the advent of princess kakyuu.

in the eternal legend musicals, the four heavenly kings are once again under command of beryl as well as a mud puppet of endymion. in the new legend musical, the amazon trio is under her command. the starlights musical has the four heavenly kings under her command once again and the same goes for the the advent of princess kakyuu. i am 100% game for writing in one of the stars musicals as a type of stars au for either the manga or 90s anime. please just let me know first!

RETURN. beryl appears in numerous musicals but this will be the general 'verse' that i will use for the nelke musicals. beryl appears in the :

summer 2013 la reconquista musical.

summer/fall 2018 nogimyu musicals. fall/winter 2019 nogimyu musical.

the super live (2018-2019 & 2023).

spring 2024 nogimyu musical.

ANOTHERSTORY. this is my verse sset during the video game, sailor moon: another story, however i haven't actually played the game outside of the like first... 10?? minutes so i don't really know much about beryl's role in this game.

FALSEQUEEN. this is my verse set during the live action tokusatsu drama series, pretty guardian sailor moon or PGSM.

credits

cafekitsune / Toei / Naoko Takeuchi / P.N.P. / Marco Albiero / missdream / mintymoondrops / spriters-resource / maidenkissed.

#ǫᴜᴇᴇɴ ᴏғ ᴛʜᴇ ᴇᴀʀᴛʜ (ᴏᴏᴄ);#*creations

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lunarnoire · 3 months

Text

an independent roleplay blog for BLACK LADY / WICKED LADY from BISHOUJO SENSHI SAILOR MOON. low activity / mun is 21+ .

🌑 i prefer the manga so that is the one i will be pulling from the most ! 🌑

guidelines

i. This is a independent roleplay blog for BLACK LADY / WICKED LADY from Bishoujo Senshi Sailor Moon. So! Not Chibiusa, but Black Lady. (I’ll probably still call her chibs in my ooc posts cuz same person but Black Lady was Chibs under the control of Wiseman.)

ii. This blog is low activity because of my personal life (work/life). This blog is also mutuals only.

iii. No god-modding and/or meta-gaming! I’m aware that Chibs as Black Lady has powers/abilities where she can forcefully hold other characters, and fling them away. Obviously things like this will be talked out beforehand. This is my first time roleplaying a villain so I don’t want to step on anyone’s toes especially since Black Lady is a manipulative character.

iv. I tend to match my partners in terms of length but sometimes my replies may be on the longer side. (I tag long posts with #long post if you need to filter it). I do accept criticism on my writing and how I can get better as I am to here to also improve my craft aside from having fun! I’m gonna be upfront with you guys right now and let you know that I have… issues with commas. I don’t use them as often as before but those little swiggles… Daunting.

v. Nsfw content like smut will not be present here! Black Lady is Chibs under the control of Wiseman so she still has the mentality of a little girl. Please keep this in mind. Yes she may be over 902 but that be the perks of the Silver Crystal, y'know. She’s still a kid even though Wiseman twisted her dream to be a beautiful lady into something terrifying.

vi. In regards to ships, the same thing from VII. applies here. I’m aware Chibs has parental issues and you don’t have to worry about the whole father/daughter… weirdness ig that occurs when she’s Black Lady. I believe that Wiseman distorted Chibiusa’s dream of finding love and being a beautiful lady for his own ends and since Mamoru was one of the only positive male figures in her life… yeah. Not to mention it is a way for her as Black Lady under the power of darkness to get back at Usagi. But anyways!! I like Chibiusa and Helios. They’re very cute, but outside of alternate universes, you don’t have to worry about this and I won’t force it on anyone. If you’d like to plot something out between characters that isn’t pre-determined in BSSM (at least the Black Moon Arc where Black Lady appears) such as family bonds or platonic, please message me so we can plot things out beforehand and then work our way through threads and development!

vii. Regarding Mains/Exclusives… I do not practise exclusivity anymore! I’m still iffy on practising mains for the same reasons, so for right now mains are reserved for friends only. I apologize in advance, but it’s really more for my safety and comfort than anything. Also if I’m being honest here… I tend to get to my threads depending on the order I draft them in so oldest first then newest which is why I’m unsure on the status of mains here.

viii. Regarding OCs and Multimuses, you are welcome here! I typically do not follow if I cannot easily find your about page, rules, and muses page via mobile as I tend to be on mobile more than desktop.

ix. In closing, you are always welcome to message me if you have plot ideas or if you wish to thread, etc! If I miss any threads, replies, asks…, please let me know! If you have questions, please let me know! You can call me Kairi. I’m over 21 and Sailor Moon has been with me all my life. 🥺❤ I’ve read the manga, watched both Crystal and the 90s animes as well as all the recorded musicals, and I’m even a member of the official fan club! My other fave characters aside from Black Lady specifically are Aino Minako/Sailor Venus/Sailor V, Sailor Galaxia, Sailor Ceres, and Fish Eye! I just really love Sailor Moon… 🥺❤❤

x. This blog is not affiliated with Toei Animation, Naoko Takeuchi / P.N.P.. My headcanons and writing are my own. Sources are from various official sources provided by Toei and/or P.N.P. or they are from missdream or mintymoondrops. My graphics (so icon border, page break image and stuff like that) / psd are made my me.other page break banners are from cafekitsune.

about

NAME: PRINCESS SMALL LADY SERENITY / CHIBIUSA TSUKINO.

AGE: 900 - 903.

DOB: June 30th.

NATIONALITY: Japanese.

SPECIES: Human.

GENDER: Female.

OCCUPATION: Queen of Darkness.

HEIGHT: 156cm , 158cm, 165cm. (these are the heights of her myu actresses in order that they played her so mao -> shion -> yui.)

HAIR: Sugar Pink.

EYES: Red (look like Glass Beads).

FACECLAIM: mao kawasaki, shion nakamaru, yui ito.

Born as the only child to Neo Queen Serenity and King Endymion, she was given the name "Usagi Small Lady Serenity" or "Chibiusa" for short. Due to her stagnated growth, Chibiusa was often bullied and ridiculed for still being a "child". This caused the people of the 30th century to believe that Chibiusa was not really the king and queen's daughter and was a "fake". She also never showed any signs of having powers like her mother which worried her parents.

To try and assuage his daughter's fears, King Endymion tells the young princess of the 30th century that she is much the same as her mother in that regard. He also tells her that 'Sailor Moon' is invincible. This falls flat as it makes Chibiusa feel that more distant from her mother and makes her believe even more that she will never be a wonderful lady like her mother and that her mother did not care about her at all.

This causes her to wander through the Crystal Palace where she finds the Door of Time and meets the solitary guardian, Sailor Pluto. The two would become good friends and Sailor Pluto would be instrumental in Chibiusa's awakening as both a Sailor Guardian and becoming free from Wiseman's control and delusions. Chibiusa falls to peer pressure from her young peers and steals her mother's Silver Crystal and shortly after this, the Black Moon Clan attacked the Earth. Chibiusa being racked with guilt at seeing her mother encased in crystal as well as the other Sailor Guardians, her father, and even Luna and Artemis being rendered immobile, she believed this to be the result of her own actions. Feeling alone, afraid, and desperate, Chibiusa uses the powers of her Luna-P ball to steal a Space-Time Key from her friend, Sailor Pluto, to seek the aid of the Sailor Guardians of the past to save her mother and the future.

Chibiusa escapes to the future where she meets the past versions of her mother and father and the inner Sailor Guardians and seeks their help. The Black Moon Clan follows the young princess to the past and tries to both abduct Chibiusa and stop the Guardians from foiling their plans. They take each of the Inner Sailor Guardians hostage except for Sailor Venus and her, Chibiusa, Tuxedo Mask and Sailor Moon travel to the future to rescue them. They are stopped by Sailor Pluto until Chibiusa is able to explain the situation and Sailor Pluto informs the trio of the misfortunes that have come to befall them. They make their way to the castle where King Endymion greets them and explains the origins of Chibiusa - that she is the sole daughter of Usagi and Mamoru and is the heir to both the legacy of Sailor Moon and kingdom of Crystal Tokyo.

While the Guardians and Mamoru are preoccupied with the Black Moon Clan, Chibiusa wanders alone - struggling with coming to terms over how her actions have affected everyone she loves and holds dear and even the lives of innocent people. Her feelings of loneliness and confusion are ripe enough for her to fall into Wiseman's hands and her beautiful dream of being of a beautiful lady and leader and having a beautiful romance like her parents is twisted into something awful and she is transformed into Black Lady, Queen of Darkness.

From this point on Black Lady is under the total control of Wiseman. She is responsible for summoning forth the true form of Wiseman and the planet of Nemesis. She helps Wiseman kill Rubeus and helps him give the Malefic Black Crystal Earrings to Saphir and Demande so they fall under his control. She puts Tuxedo Mask under her control and uses to him attack Sailor Moon and steal her Silver Crystal as well as summoning more Black Crystals to Crystal Tokyo in an attempt to destroy the Earth.

When Sailor Pluto freezes time and sacrifices herself so that the two Silver Crystals do not touch, Chibiusa is freed from Wiseman's control and Black Lady ceases to be.

In the 90s anime, Sailor Moon makes multiple attempts to restore Chibiusa to herself but ultimately fails until the final battle against Black Lady and Wiseman where both Sailor Moon and Tuxedo Mask as their future selves break through Wiseman's spell and free Chibiusa from his clutches.

Black Lady is mentioned again during the Dream Arc when Palla Palla puts a spell on Chibiusa and Usagi switching the growths so that Chibiusa appears older than she is and takes on a similar appearance to Black Lady, but not entirely as her appearance is much softer than the harshness of her dark form.

verses

BLACKMOON. Feeling lonely and afraid, she wanders through space-time after losing her precious time key. Wiseman finds her and preys on her feelings of loneliness - promising that which she desires most. He twists her beautiful dream into something dark and the small lady becomes black lady - queen of darkness. With her newfound powers, she takes on the Sailor Guardians and calls forth not only Death Phantom but the planet, Nemesis as her and Death Phantom seek to end the reign of the White Moon.

BLACKROSE. The princess of the 30th century returns to the future with the Sailor Guardians and learns from her father that the Silver Crystal disappeared before the Black Moon Clan attacked. She believes the events after the attack and the damage her mother sustained in power were her fault and she runs away, leaving the protection of the Crystal Palace. Wiseman finds her and distorts her memories into something tragic and after taking advantage of her weakness, he uses his powers to transform into black lady - princess of darkness. The Princess of the White Moon (Sailor Moon) almost succeeds in restoring the once young [future] princess of the 30th century with the mysterious powers of the Silver Crystal but is saved by Wiseman.

BLACKRABBIT. This is the same as BLACKMOON as Sailor Moon Crystal follows the manga - albeit with a few differences to my chagrin in the beginning.

BIRTH. The Summer 2001 and Winter 2002 Musical follows the events of the Black Moon arc in the manga. Its revision introduces the Outer Senshi.

PETITE. The Summer 2014 Musical follows the events of the Black Moon arc in the manga.

ANOTHERSTORY. Confronting the Sailor Guardians in Silver Millennium, she tells them that destiny has changed and that the one they know as "Chibiusa" will cease to exist.

DREAM. Chibiusa gives herself over to Queen Nehelania , offering her her beautiful dream in exchange for Helios's freedom and the safety of the people of Tokyo. What the young guardian doesn't know is that Nehelania has no intention of honoring her promise. The young princess's dream becomes tainted - her beautiful dream of being a beautiful lady and strong leader like her mother and finding a love as wonderful as her parents wilts. Black Lady once again rises as a member of the Dead Moon Circus and is a formidable opponent for the Sailor Guardians.

DREAMREDUX. Chibiusa gives herself over to Queen Nehelania , offering her her beautiful dream in exchange for Helios's freedom and the safety of the people of Tokyo. What the young guardian doesn't know is that Nehelania has no intention of honoring her promise. The young princess's dream becomes tainted - her beautiful dream of being a beautiful lady and strong leader like her mother and finding a love as wonderful as her parents wilts. Black Lady once again rises as a member of the Dead Moon Circus and is a formidable opponent for the Sailor Guardians. Helios has continued to seek refuge in her beautiful dream in the hopes that he had can reach her through the darkness, but all Black Lady wants is to bring him into the darkness with her. SHARED WITH @MAIDENKISSED.

STARS. Upon her return to the 20th century to aid Sailor Moon, Chibiusa is greeted by the Sailor Quartet - her team of Sailor Guardians - and they travel to the Galaxy Cauldron with the Starlights, Princess Kakyuu, and Sailor Chibi-Chibi. After crossing the river Styx and being confronted by formidable Sailor Guardians controlled by Sailor Galaxia, they reach Galaxia's castle. It is here they are greeted by their allies, now under Galaxia's command. Sensing a new player from the future, Galaxia does not hesitate in trying to steal Chibiusa's Star Seed. However she senses what was once a great darkness in the tiny princess's heart and once her Pink Silver Crystal is stolen, Chibiusa is granted new powers and rises once more as Black Lady.

mains

HELIOS / @maidenkissed.

credits

cafekitsune / Toei / Naoko Takeuchi / P.N.P. / Marco Albiero / missdream / mintymoondrops / spriters-resource.

#ʜᴇᴀʀᴛ ғɪʟʟᴇᴅ ᴡɪᴛʜ sᴀᴅɴᴇss (ᴏᴏᴄ);#ᴡʜᴇɴ ʙʟᴀᴄᴋ ʟᴀᴅʏ sɪɴɢs (ᴄʀᴇᴀᴛɪᴏɴs);

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