#I'VE BEEN IGNORED AND DISREGARDED SO MANY TIMES IN MY LIFE

[le-velo-pour-dru]

Me when my friends. unintentionally ignore the things I say

[effervescentdragon]

I want to talk about the ICJ ruling of July 19th on Palestine and Israel.

I've been mulling this over in my head for days now and I finally have the time to sit down, do research and write it all down. I don't think a lot of people understand what it actually means. Most of the reactions I've seen focus on the wrong thing, which is how it affects the USA, instead of the more, maybe the most important one, which is how it affects Europe and the EU. I will explain what I mean, hopefully comprehensively, ahead.

First of all, the online and offline worlds both are incredibly, annoyingly saturated with USAmerican perspective. We all fall prey to the trap of looking at things through the USAmerican perspective, which is both understandable and wrong. No matter how much it tries to present itself so, USA is not the only country in the world, and although its existence is sadly important through the virtue of "it does not allow itself to be ignored no matter how much we all wish we could", in this case, the US is irrelevant. It is irrellevant because the ICJ decision was not made to put pressure on the US. That is not possible, as the US is notorious for not obeying, respecting, or indeed even acknowledging any of the International Law, or IL treaties. In this post of mine I have compiled only some of the international law agreemebts and treaties that the US has either not signed, or signed and not ratified, which makes it so they're not bound to abide by them. I only want to emphasise one - the American Declaration of Human Rights. It predates even the UDHR, and the USA has never ratified it, which means it does not have to obey it. If the USAmericans have not yet realised that their human rights are non-existent, just look at your data privacy laws, or lack thereof (this post starts in nicely on it). What I am trying to say with all of this is that nobody actually expected the US to obey the ICJ decision. For all of USAmerican boasting about being democratic and the paragon of justice, if you go through actual transcripts and notes from UN General Assembly sessions and International Bodies' rulings and debates, you will more often than not see the US as an (consciencious) objector to many motions that aim(ed) to make life better for humans on Earth, be these climate change policies or human rights policies or war policies. USA serves only its own imperial, megalomaniacal interests and its blatant disrespect and disregard of International Law only brings this fact into light. This ruling was never about the USA and with this, I will stop talking about it because the USA is irrelevant for what I actually want to say. (Also I'm sick of it. Of having to write a full paragraph about the US even when it's not about the US.)

Let us get to the actual point.

The International Court of Justice (ICJ) is a body of the UN that is responsible for adjudicating international disputes and giving advisory opinion on international legal issues. I will not recount the history of establishing the UN and these bodies of International Law and Practice, but suffice to say it replaced the Permanent Court of Justice after WW2, much like the UN replaced the League of Nations. It is also the only body of the UN not located in New York, instead it is located in The Hague in the Netherlands. The most important thing is that all states members of the UN are party to the ICJ statute, established by the UN Charter. In the matter of rulings, ICJ, much like the rest of the international law instruments, has jurisdiction on the basis of consent, be it explicit or tacit, which means that the States which bring their cases to the ICJ therfore agree that the ICJ has jurisdiction, and accept to be subjected to the ICJ's ruling. In the matter of giving advisory opinion (that can be requested either by the General Assembly or the Security Council, or if it's abother organ, by GA's authorisation), these opinions are consultative and non-binding in character. However, they carry a great weight and authority, and are also not without legal basis. The ICJ's views on the issues of international law are reflected in the legal reasoning, as the court follows the same procedures that the state laws that IL relies on demand.

On December 30th 2023, the UN General Assembly submitted a request for an advisory opinion of the ICJ on the practices and policies of Israel in the occupied Palestinian teritory. This is the full request, and here is the core of the request:

GA was asking ICJ to advise on alleged breaches of multiple counts of human rights laws that Israel was commiting on the people and the land of occupied Palestine, and to determine if Israel's occupation of Palestine is true, and therefore in breach of international law. This is important for multiple reasons, but especially because in a court case that we all know of, South Africa vs. Israel, South Africa accused Israel of commiting genocide, therefore going against the Convention on the Prevention and Punishment of the Crime of Genocide (CPPCG). Israel's defense in this case (not the only one, but the currently relevant one) was the claim that "Israel has the right to defend itself".

Advisory opinion on the ICJ on Israel's practices in occupied Palestine of July 19th 2024 (here is it in full) comes down to a couple of rulings:

- Israel is an apartheid state (illegal);

- Israel's occupation of Gaza is illegal;

- Israel's annexation of the West Bank is illegal;

- Israel continuously and consistently violates Plaestinian right to self-determination (illegal);

- Israel's settlements in Palestine are illegal;

- Israel's exploitation and theft of Palestine's resources is illegal;

- Israel's forced displacement of Palestinians is illegal.

This means many things, amongst others the fact that ICJ ordered cessation of the Israel colonial project and further settlements, evacuation of illegal settlers, return of land and property and assets to the Palestinians, and reparations to be paid by Israel. But what is extremely important is that the fact that Israel, being and conducting an illegal occupation in Palestine, does not have the right to defend itself. What id incredibly important is that Palestine has the right to self-determination, which means claims of "Palestine does not exist" are false. Palestine exists, and has a right to self-determination.

Now, you might wonder why I went into this without yet stating my point. Here is my point.

International law is tricky. It works on the basis of "good faith" and relying on the agreement of its subjects to obey it. All the UN countries are subject to ICJ rulings. All the UN countries are subject to a million and one treaties and rulings and declarations of the UN they have signed and ratified and pledged thenselves to obey. The ICJ advisory opinion on the legal implications of Israel's illegal occupation of Palestine was made with these facts in mind.

The paragraph I highlighted above means that every single EU/European country that exports arms to Israel is now potentially in breach of the rulling of the highest body of international law that they are bound to obey. The General Assembly is advised and tasked by ICJ to take measures to ensure that Israel's occupation stops. The way of doung this is through sanctions, and that also means that the States currently aiding and abetting Israel's occupation are bound by international law agreements to stop. These countries know this, know that there is no way out now, that they will have to obey sooner or later. This is who the ruling is important for.

Another body of international law is the ICC. International Criminal Court, set in Hague, the first and only criminal court with the jurisdiction to trial individuals for international crimes such as war crimes, agression crimes, human rights crimes and genocide crimes. That ICC is preparing to issue criminal warrants against Netenyahu, Israeli, and Hamas leaders. It is preparing to issues criminal arrest warants to war criminals, and a part of it is influenced by the ICJ ruling. Of course, the countries such as Germany, a cesspit of Nazi capitalists who cannot stand a genocide being commited withiut its involvement is already trying to obstruct this process and by themselves more time to accumulate capital by funding an illegal occupation. Austrian right-wing party tried to do the same, but was blocked by the Greens. Other countries might try to do the same, but the fact is - they will fail. The ICJ advisory opinion made sure of that.

What do you mean, you might be asking yourself. I mean that the whole of international community now has a confirmation from the highest body of international law that holds jurisdiction over them that Israel's occupation is illegal. I mean that it is only a matter of time before the ongoing court case of South Africa about the genocide becomes codified and the ruling reflects the reality of the crimes against humanity we have been witnessing for the past 10 months. I mean that I grew up watching the Hague Tribunal proceedings of ICC in the case of Yugoslavian War Crimes, and that I know that it is only a matter of time before my mornings are once again filled with the proceedings against Netenyahu and other war criminals. I mean that I know and understand how a fight for humanity and dignity must be fought on all sides - by Yemeni military actions and by BDS boycottd and by holding your politicians accountable and by protesting and donating, but it is also being fought in the courts of international law. It is fought in a way that signals to the "west" that the very structures put by these States in place after WW2 to prevent atrocities does not mean that these States are exempt from them. This ICJ ruling is monumental for Europe especially, because no matter how many issues I personally and we all have with the UN bodies, they still mean something. Their opinions and rulings still carry a weight, a weight we have all felt, and their proclamations make it so people and structures and governing bodies who have pledged themselves to be under their jurisdiction cannot pretend they don't know what's happening. Cannot pretend they don't know what they are funding and supporting and making themselves rich on. Europe cannot claim ignorance anymore, and ICJ made sure of that.

What can I say as my final words? I wrote this post because I don't think that a lot of people understand, or understood, what this means. I wrote it because I've been walking in a daze since the ruling, and the hope in my heart scares me as much as it invigorates me. I wrote it because I am certain, now more than ever, that Palestine will be free. I hope you are, too.

[chishiyae]

— HIS LOVE FOR YOU ! [𝙛𝙚𝙖𝙩𝙪𝙧𝙞𝙣𝙜] e42! miles morales.

𝙧𝙚𝙫𝙞𝙚𝙬 ┊ a ten headcannon summary on what it’s like being the prowlers girlfriend. a man whose demeanor is cold but heart is warm.

a/n. — pretty sure it’s been…what? five months since i’ve last been on here? damn that was a long time ago, but i’m back and after restarting my layout and things, i’m writing 🤍

E42!MILES, will never tell you how he feels about emotional matters in your relationship. and by this, i mean that if you were to lay on his chest one day knowing he's had a rough day, instead of saying thank you or how much he loves you (or anything like that), he'll massage your back and close his eyes in contentment. he's been more reclusive to himself than ever since he lost his dad. and, as much as he loves and appreciates you, it's difficult for him to be so honest. so, he does that slowly…but even then, he holds a few things back. because he can never just show you all of his love.

when it comes to “i love you”, he takes that phrase very seriously. he believes it’s more than just a catchphrase and hence only says it when the situation really calls for it. that way you feel the meaning. like when he's leaving to do his duties as prowler, not knowing if he'll return. there have been a few occasions where he’s said it when the situation "didn't call for it" — by few, I mean less than five. although, as the relationship progresses, he says it more frequently than he normally would.

don't let him not saying it all the time mislead you for rejection. he fills that hole with a plethora of reassurances ranging from presents to nicknames. looking at "ma," "mamas," "baby," and "princesa," and you'll know he's serious when he uses your real name.

in arguments, he has a small tendency to forget that you have feelings. not to the point that you wanna end the relationship, but enough that you need to ignore him for a day because if you tried more than a day, he wouldn't be able to handle it anymore. you each have a day to chill out and that's all. he values communication. always has been — even before his father died — but now that he's allowing another person into his life, his priorities are shifting and you’re definitely in his list of people to cherish and protect. so he does everything he can to talk things out and apologize. arguments don’t happen often.

he’s not possessive, but rather protective. I mean, can you blame him with this fucked up city? every time you two go out, it’s either holding hands or him putting an arm over your shoulder so no one messes with you. if you’d ask him if a revealing outfit you're wearing is okay, he'd answer "doesn't matter, I can fight." for sure.

for your safety, he never includes you in prowler-related activities, talks, or general topics, but of course he told you about him being the prowler. he told you the instant he realized he loved you. and only tells you he loves you after you’ve accepted that reality. disregarding his uncle's advice not to tell you anything. communication is key right? and that’s a big part of his life.

just like physical touch. he loves kissing you. your forehead and neck especially. passionate kisses are his favorite, slow and sweet. his kisses always aimed at determining what you ate or placed to your lips prior so he could get a taste and guess. regardless of how horrible or delicious it tastes because it's a tiny game he made. did that have anything to do with wanting to kiss you longer? yeah. but what did the first headcannon have to say about his emotions? plus, he liked it after the first time he tried it, and now it’s his favorite portion of any day.

meeting his mom would almost certainly be by coincidence. he wouldn't have planned for you to meet her for at least three months, so he knows it's serious, but she’d meet you sooner. you'd walk by her house and she'd say something like, "i've seen you around miles before," knowing he doesn't let many people in. and is curious about you. she'll naturally ask you as many questions as she can before miles interferes, but even if she likes you, don't address her by her first name.

it doesn't matter when, but whenever your finger is in his way? he’s gonna bite it. there’s no hesitation. as well as engaging in play fights with you whenever possible.

and last but certainly not least, encourages you to do things he’s never done. no elaboration. just gonna let you think on that one.

© 2023, CHISHIYAE

[yeetmeoutthewindowdaddy]

A deep dive into Zevlor's devotion (Part 1) Everybody hates tieflings, and how discrimination impacted a young Zevlor:

THIS POST CONTAINS SPOILERS FOR BG3.

These series of posts were originally one loooooong post— but apparently Tumblr has a character limit, and I found it; so now it's been split into several parts/posts.

((Part 1, this post, is mostly to give context to the discrimination faced by tieflings in Faerûn. The third part is where the meat of my Zevlor analysis is.))

(Part 2) Elturel's history and culture, the Hellriders, and Zevlor's paladin oath. (Part 2.5)

(Part 3) Zevlor's actions during Act 1, an analysis of a man who is barely holding on.

(Part 4) Zevlor's actions during Act 2, an analysis of a broken man.

(Part 5) Zevlor's actions during Act 3, an analysis of a man with his faith restored.

(Part 6) Zevlor's actions during/ after the epilogue, not all endings are happily ever after— especially not for a tiefling.

(Part 7) Zevlor in a romantic relationship.

I don't think many bg3 players understand just how dedicated and loyal of a person Zevlor is. This ADHD hyper-fixation fueled multipart-thesis is meant to show how Zevlor's past is as tragic as any of the origin characters'/ Durge's. It's meant to show how horrifically broken Zevlor was when he "betrayed" the other tieflings. It's also meant to show that our beloved blorbo would probably be fervently obsessive if he was in a romantic relationship.

Most importantly: It demonstrates how our favorite man Zevlor was most likely a fanatical religious zealot my dudes. He was (probably) a part of the Faerûn equivalent of the Spanish Inquisition lite.

I have kept this as factual as I am able to. Please keep in mind that Baldur's Gate 3 plays it fast and loose with the DND/ Forgotten Realms canon and lore, on top of DND/ the Forgotten Realms itself regularly disregarding and changing it's own lore and canon. DND lore and canon as a whole is a mess. It has multiple universes that sometimes interact and are maybe separate from each other. Full disclosure; I've mixed 1e-5e lore together FUCK 5.5e, because parsing through what is currently considered canon is a nightmare. As far as I'm concerned, as long as a piece of lore was canon at some point in the past 50 years— it's fair game. @y-rhywbeth2 in this post has a more in depth disclaimer. Also please check out their headcanons and lore breakdowns, they're so good.

THIS PROJECT TOOK ME OVER A MONTH TO WRITE. I've tried to find all grammatical and spelling errors. I've tried to ensure that I've cited the correct sources in the correct places.

I have given up on trying to understand Tumblr's inconsistent post formatting. Why does the 'small' option for text sometimes actually make the text smaller but other times it makes the text larger???

______________________________________________________________

● (Section 1) The Origins, Anatomy, and Physiology of Tieflings:

AN: It used to be that tieflings could only breed with other tieflings and humans. This seems to have been changed recently— one no longer has to have a demon somewhere in their genetic lineage to be a tiefling, one of their ancestors having contact with a demon is enough to produce a tiefling descendant. Which has interesting implications for Warlocks. There are also special versions of elf and orc tieflings.

(From what I can tell) tieflings live for about the same amount of time, maybe ~10 years longer than, humans do. (AN: Remember how I said the Forgotten Realms loves to retcon and disregard it’s own lore? The wiki states that their life span is from 90–150 years, but this source is from 2004 and the lore has greatly changed in the past 20 years. I am choosing to ignore the wiki here for my own sanity.)

Tieflings were humanoids with fiendish ancestry. They came about due to one of their ancestors (even many generations prior) getting freaky with a demon being "touched" by the evil planes in some way.

"Tieflings... were infused with the touch of the fiendish planes, most often through descent from fiends—demons, Yugoloths, devils, evil deities, and others... Although their evil ancestors could be many generations removed, the taint lingered."

Before some warlock shenanigans happened, tieflings had a much wider range of appearances than the ones we generally see now.

"In 1358 DR, a warlock coven...the Toril thirteen performed a ritual that cursed most tiefling lineages... [changing] their original lineage with that of the archdevil... Asmodeus [who] became a god... giving most tieflings... a similar devilish appearance... [whereas before] infernal blood could be diluted through intermarriage... afterward, the union of a tiefling with another race always produced a tiefling child."

Their infernal ancestry gave them some very powerful abilities.

"Tieflings had a number of abilities gifted to them by their fiendish heritage... an innate resistance to heat and... a hint of bloodlust that gave them a slight edge in combat. Tieflings also had access to an ability known as infernal wrath, which channeled their innate rage and potential for evil into their attacks for added effectiveness... [they] tended to have better reflexes than their human kin... [Tieflings are] alluring and intelligent creatures, with a seductive aura in spite of their obviously evil ancestry...

Along with some not so great traits that fed into the prejudices against them.

"Other, more unusual characteristics included a sulfurous odor, cloven feet, or... an unsettling air about them... a general aura of discomfort they left on others... most people were uncomfortable around them, whether they were aware of the tiefling's unsavory ancestry or not... Tieflings were carnivores. They consumed blood, blubber, bone, gristle and meat... [and] raw bone marrow..."

Tieflings tended to be resolute and tenacious, with a strong internal drive to rise above their circumstances.

"They are adaptable and resilient to hardship, and possess strong aptitude at whatever pursuit they dedicate themselves to... When facing adversity, the tiefling instinct is not to withdraw from the world, but rather to challenge it head-on... Tieflings seek to make their own fates, defy the odds, and take risks that... most... would not dare."

For some awesome insight on tieflings check out this post [alt] by @gortashs-skidmark, it's a good source on tiefling appearances and traits. Along with this post [alt] by @pikapeppa providing evidence-based headcanons on tiefling appearances. And this post [alt] by @y-rhywbeth2, which talks about how a tiefling's physical traits are influenced by their specific infernal heritage.

Their infernal appearance and weird vibes are why almost

● (Section 2) Everybody Hates Tieflings:

Even before Elturel's Decent into Avernus, and subsequently the events of BG3 (both of which I will cover later), Tieflings faced an incredible amount of discrimination— even from their own kind.

"Few tieflings were raised with the love a normal human child might expect to receive... Tieflings who had strikingly inhuman features were often killed at birth by their horrified parents or others. Only those tieflings with subtle features or born to someone indifferent to their appearance, either out of acceptance or cruel purpose, were likely to reach adulthood... Tieflings often distrusted one another, sometimes even casting the same preconceptions on one another that others did on them."

This post [alt] by @underdark-dreams highlights the discrimination tieflings face in game. And how the Flaming Fists should be called the Flaming Shits, but I'll get into that in another part of this series.

Understandably, they didn't easily trust others. But once someone did earn a tiefling's trust, they were an incredibly loyal friend.

"…[Tieflings] expected eventual rejection from all... However, members of other races would find that once they demonstrated friendship and trust towards a tiefling, it would quickly be reciprocated in full. Once that bond was forged, it was rarely broken."

While some tieflings wholeheartedly embraced the preconception that all tieflings were evil, others would endeavor to prove it wrong.

"Their attitude regarding their heritage... while some tieflings embraced it, others were repulsed by it... tieflings, who were proud of their fiendish past... chose to... thwart... dark plots and schemes. Others sought to... emulate these evil deeds. Other tieflings were ashamed or even frightened of their heritage and wished only to escape the shadow that lurked over them... Some did this through constantly doing good, as though to make up for the evil that begot them. Others instead hid [their heritage]…"

Looking like devils made people think they were devils, or acted like devils.

"Tieflings are widely stereotyped as wicked, cruel, and criminal individuals... [with] a tendency to be solitary loners... known for their quick temper, stubbornness, self-confidence, and fickleness in relationships."

And since people thought tieflings were, or would act like, devils they treated them like devils.

"The social rejection they typically face often leads tieflings to enter a life of crime, which furthers social prejudice against their race." 

"We're distrusted and viewed as evil malcontents for so long that we start to believe it ourselves. It's hard not to try to live up to the hype, eh?"— Enkillo the Sly, tiefling

It's not a stretch of the imagination to assume that people would believe that: the more devilish a tiefling looked = the more they'd behave like devils (evil). It's also safe assume: that the more infernal traits a tiefling had = the more, harsher, discrimination they'd face.

This leads into my next topic,

● (Section 3) Zevlor's Infernal Appearance:

He looks like a combo of Sylvester Stallone and Willem Dafoe.

He and his Habsburg jaw lookin ass face seems to always have a 5 o'clock shadow. (Probably because he's a refugee struggling to survive, so his personal grooming habits have taken a back seat.)

Zevlor has more infernal features than the other tieflings do in-game. (As shown in this post [alt] by @lolliputian and @haru-sen) He has very prominent cheekbones, a thick brow ridge, and BIG horns. (Look at @cinnasalmon's post [alt] on Zevlor's horn anatomy.)

HC: The reasons his face bones are so protuberant is because they need to support the weight of his huge horns, as without them his (face) skull would fracture/ cave in from the constant pressure. Poor guy probably lives with a perpetual headache.

Zevlor's prominent infernal facial features make him look older than he probably is— as they emphasize the traits we humans commonly associate with aging; such as defined nasal labial folds, a lack of facial fat, and big ears. The striations by his eyes look like wrinkles, but I think that they're mostly infernal markings.

Stress prematurely ages people, and Zevlor had multitudes of stressors throughout his life: Contending with the discrimination from being a tiefling with prominent infernal traits, joining an elite military unit at age 12, rising through its ranks to become a Commander of said unit, having his city dragged into the literal Hells (more on that in part 2), defending the civilians/ city trapped in the hells, surviving the hells, then being stripped of his rank and banished from his home because of racial prejudices, and then leading a group of (mostly civilian) refugees to Baldur's Gate— all while desperately trying to keep them alive in the face of Faerûn's many, many, dangers.

Combining all the factors above would make any man look 10+ years older than he actually is.

Zevlor looks scary. His irises look like they're on fire, and his teeth are scarier than Astarion's. I was browsing Tumblr alone in my room, at night, 😳 and this photo of Zevlor popped up on my feed giving me a good scare. I have an unhealthy obsession with Zevlor, he's made it onto my official husbando list! And yet, I can't look at certain screen shots of him at night because they scare me. I'm a wuss.

I simp hard for this man, and yet I am still frightened by his appearance sometimes. Imagine how people in Faerûn react when they see his sleep paralysis demon lookin ass him in person? Screaming and running away is completely understandable.

Which brings us to,

● (Section 4) How Discrimination Impacted a Young Zevlor:

Even as a young child Zevlor would've know that his appearance othered him.

"Most tieflings were aware from an early age that they were different from others around them..."

Even as a child Zevlor most likely knew that many people would dislike him and refuse to trust him because he was born a tiefling.

Tiefling families in the traditional sense are rare. Many tieflings, born to human parents who possess a latent infernal bloodline, are abandoned at birth and raised by a monastery, church, orphanage, or adoptive parents.

I headcanon that he had at least one loving parent—before he was orphaned, but it's entirely possible, and likely, that he was abandoned at birth.

Young Zevlor would've known that he would have to work very hard to be seen as something other than a criminal or evil monster.

"While some [tieflings] would... [turn] towards evil, others rejected it wholeheartedly and sought to make a good impact on the world around them, sometimes becoming the most heroic characters of all. Few could maintain this discipline however."

AN: Elturel was a theocracy (more on that part 2)— Zevlor likely grew up in a deeply religious family/ community.

All these factors combined would lead to a young Zevlor who:

Was determined to prove his goodness and rise above the adversity he faced. The force of will and work ethic he needed to become not just a Hellrider— but a Hellrider Commander, while being a tiefling, meant that he would've grown into a stubborn man. (See this post [alt] by @ohsayit)

Was so deeply religious and devoutly pious that he became a paladin. (More on this in part 2)

Internalized the impossible standards he was held to.

Developed a guilt complex (my "grew up Catholic" is showing)

Viewed any mistake he made as a personal moral failure, and as an indication of his inherent evil nature. (Hello again, Catholicism)

Would be hyperaware of how he's perceived by others.

Would learn how to read people's true intentions/ motivations.

Learned to vigilantly monitor, and strictly control his facial expressions and body language. (Is my autistic masking showing?)

Learned how to show deference to others through body language.

Leaned how to make himself appear smaller and less threatening.

Figured out how smile and laugh without showing his teeth.

Mastered the awkward and tight-lipped polite smile.

Figured out how to intelligibly speak with a tight jaw and lips so that his teeth wouldn't be seen by others while he spoke.

Developed self worth/ self esteem issues. Even other tieflings would've looked at him with suspicion and maybe even disgust.

That's it for part 1, here's another link to (Part 2) Elturel's history and culture, the Hellriders, and Zevlor's paladins oath. (Part 2.5)

and the other parts,

A deep dive into Zevlor's devotion series (master list)

[luvangelbreak]

please please PLEAKSE do a fic where Chris or Matt bullied the reader in highschool and they see eachother in the highschool reunion and the reader is hot

Remember Me

christopher sturniolo x alice reyna (female!oc) summary: as requested above warnings: swearing, mentions of bullying word count: 2.1k a/n: i loveeee this request, perhaps a part 2 if y'all like this?? also pls read my pinned post regarding the whole reader & y/n situation !!

not proofread!!

It had been 5 years since Alice finished school and since she had graduated, she had decided to get her life together. She no longer had to deal with her immature peers harassing her every day and she had never felt more free. She perfected her style and how to dress for her body shape, learned how to cut her hair to suit her face as well as what colours suited her best. She decided at the last minute to go to her high school reunion, already regretting her decision when she arrived in her car in the parking lot.

With a sigh, she checked her makeup in the mirror and made sure her hair sat nicely on her shoulders before jumping out of the car, bag in hand as she slipped her keys and phone into the bag. She entered the doors of the gymnasium, a familiar feeling hitting her as she looked around at the groups of people littered around the place.

"Alice?" she heard a woman's voice chirp to her left and she turned her head to see one of her few close friends from school, someone she had long forgotten about since she moved away.

"Emily," she smiled, walking over to the small group of people the blonde-haired girl was standing with, "It's been so long. How are you? What are you doing these days?"

"Oh my god so much! Got my English degree, had a baby boy, got engaged," she twinkled her left hand out in front of Alice and the dark-haired girl gasped at the massive rock on her old friend's finger, grabbing her hand and admiring the way it shone in the light.

"Holy shit. I can't believe how much has happened within four years," Alice shook her head in disbelief, remembering the last time the pair had spoken was before they both went into their sophomore year of college.

"What about you? Did it work out with Flynn?" she asked and Alice shook her head, a small smile appearing on her lips.

"We decided to go different ways. I've been single for a little over a year now but I prefer it this way for now," Alice explained and Emily nodded understandingly.

"Oh, come talk to everyone," Emily linked her arm with Alice's, dragging her closer to the small group of people before Emily called, "Guys, it's Alice!"

Layla heard a chorus of greetings as she smiled at everyone, sending a wave to them all before one person in particular caught her eye.

He looks exactly the same, she thought to herself as his eyes met hers. His jaw seemed to drop as he scanned her up and down and she mimicked his actions. He wore a black and white Stussy crewneck, black baggy cargo pants and white airforces. Chris Sturniolo still looked like the same douchebag she knew when she left this place.

She looks completely different, he thought to himself as his eyes scanned her multiple times. She looked healthier and fitter with more light in her eyes as he looked around her face. She wore a tight-fitting long-sleeve floor-length dress with black heels, her sleek look making her look even more different to him. Alice Reyna looked completely different to the dorky girl he knew when he left this place.

"Chris," Alice shortly said, giving him a tight-lipped smile with a nod which he returned quickly, diverting his attention to someone else but his mind stayed on her.

She tried to ignore his presence as she engaged herself in small talk with the rest of the group but having him in the same room they were in 5 years ago brought back so many memories it was hard to disregard him.

She excused herself from the group, walking over to the table that was littered with snacks and drinks, grabbing herself a handful of pretzels.

"Hey," she heard a familiar voice say and she spun around, Chris staring through her soul but she didn't let it show that she didn't want him here. She had moved on and she was over it, she would be the bigger person like she always had been.

"Hi," she responded dryly, a small smile on her lips to hide her distaste. Chris saw right through her facade but he knew he couldn't blame her.

"You look different," he stated and she nodded, snacking on some of the pretzels.

"You don't," she responded quickly, eating the rest of the pretzels before getting herself a can of lemonade.

"Listen," he said moving closer to her as she frowned at him, "I'm sorry for everything I said to you. I know I'm five years late but I was such a fucking asshole to you and I didn't even know why."

"Yeah," she shrugged, taking a sip of her lemonade before speaking again, "You were a fucking asshole. I just hope you aren't now."

"I learned my lesson, trust me. I've been trying to make up for what I did since then. I was just immature and I liked getting a rise out of people," he shrugged as he looked down at his shoes briefly, thinking back to all the mistakes he made, "I think it was harder to get a rise out of you and that's why I didn't stop."

"You're lucky I'm a naturally patient person," she raised her eyebrows, still unimpressed with his apology, "And I'm also not a snitch. I might've been a nerd but I wasn't a tattle tail like you always claimed I was."

"Who was it that got me suspended then?" he asked out of curiosity, thinking back to when he got suspended for a week after writing all over Alice's locker.

Alice smirked, taking another sip of the lemonade before she answered, "Emily, actually. She promised me you would never find out who told and I guess she was right."

"I'm glad someone did," Chris smiled lightly, sliding his hands into the pockets of his pants as he swayed on his feet, "That's when I started getting my shit together."

"That's when you started only tormenting me," she pointed out and his expression turned apologetic.

"I figured out why I liked getting a rise out of you after that though," he shrugged and suddenly Alice was interested in what he had to say. She had always wondered what made her Chris Sturniolo's number-one enemy in school.

"Why?" she asked, leaning towards him as he peered at her, their eyes being on the same level since she had heels on.

"Because I thought that was the only way you would talk to me. You seemed so smart and put together and it made me mad that I wasn't like you," he explained, an annoyed look on his face as he continued reminiscing on his past self, "I envied you and I didn't know how to deal with it so I decided to be a dickhead instead. I don't know what I was thinking."

Alice's face was in a downturned smile, thinking back to all the times he had tortured her. He would always make comments about her school work or the fact she was a goody-two-shoes. He threw food at her after he heard she was top of their class and wrote on her locker the day she found out she was valedictorian.

"So instead of congratulating me like everybody else, you're first thought was to torture me instead and ruin every good memory I had with my academics?" she asked, a raised eyebrow with a slightly amused smile on her lips, "You are a fucking piece of work, Chris."

"I know, it was dumb. But I was a dumb kid, I still feel stupid now but I at least know how to handle that feeling," his smile turned apologetic again as he glanced down at her dress, "You look like you've done well for yourself regardless of my stupid decisions. What do you do now?"

"I got my bachelor's in child psychology. I'm hoping to be a student counsellor or something of that sort," she explained a proud smile on her lips, "Help kids who go through what I did."

"So you could say," he trailed off, a mischievous smirk on his lips as he did so, "You owe me your career."

"Alright, I can barely tolerate being here right now. Don't push your luck," she deadpanned, not daring to let the smile peek through her lips that she held back.

"You're right, my bad," he raised his hands in defence, a smirk still on his face, "That is really good though."

"What about you?" she asked, taking another sip of her drink as she adjusted the bag on her arm.

"Uh, I own a clothing brand. It's based in LA," he explained and she raised her eyebrows in shock, "What's that look for?"

"I just didn't expect a man who dressed like he was homeless in high school to have a clothing brand," she answered honestly making him chuckle before nodding in agreement.

"Yeah well, people change. Clearly," he gestured between them both and she now let the smile peek through her lips, noticing that it seemed like he genuinely had changed.

He may look the same and talk the same way but he carried himself differently. He seemed more confident and less arrogant, quieter and less attention-seeking. Maybe he had finally grown up, she thought to herself.

"Ali!" Emily called to Alice making her head turn before the blonde-haired girl waved Alice over toward the group again. Alice nodded towards her friend before looking back at Chris.

"You comin'?" she asked, a small smile still on her lips and he nodded, grabbing himself a can of lemonade before trailing behind her. He couldn't help but let his eyes scan her body once more, his thoughts travelling to things he wouldn't dare say out loud.

5 years ago, she was a small, frail girl who lacked the confidence Chris knew she had in her. Now she was a woman, her body filled perfectly and she radiated confidence as she walked across the gymnasium. Heads turned to look at her, shocked by the fact she was here looking the way she was and Chris felt eyes on him as well, probably wondering why he was following behind her when in high school, he made it clear he wanted to do nothing but torment her.

Chris never thought he would see her again but now that he had, it made him regret his choices even more. He always knew he was a douchebag in high school, he was deflecting a lot and he didn't understand his emotions at the time. But now as he stood beside Alice, hearing her laugh ring in his ears that still sounded the same as when he passed her in the halls, he decided he would spend the rest of his life making it up to her.

"Chris!" he heard the familiar voice of his childhood friend call. He spun around to see Nate walking into the gym and Chris smiled as he approached, "I didn't think you were coming."

"Nick and Matt thought it would be a good idea. Ya know, makeup with the people I was an asshole to," Chris shrugged, dapping up his friend who he hadn't talked to in a few days, "I thought you said you weren't coming either."

"Em convinced me," he rolled his eyes and Emily turned around, interrupting her conversation with Alice to focus her attention on her fiancee, "Speak of the devil."

"You said you would be here 15 minutes ago," Emily furrowed her eyebrows as she walked towards Nate, placing a kiss on his cheek and he gave her an apologetic smile.

"Got held back at work, my love. I'm sorry," he placed a quick peck on her lips as he wrapped an arm around her waist.

"You failed to mention your fiancee was Nate," Alice spoke up, a surprised look on her face but still somewhat amused and Emily gave her a sheepish look.

"I forget how little we know about each other now. It feels like time hasn't passed," Emily gave her an apologetic smile and Alice returned one with a shake of her head.

Chris couldn't agree less, he felt like so much in his life had changed in the past 5 years and he knew Alice felt the same. She looked completely different, she felt completely different because she was completely different. He just hoped her could prove to her that he was a changed man.

"We're going to a diner after this. Do you guys wanna join?" Nate offered, looking between Chris and Alice and the pair looked at each other briefly.

"Sure," Chris shrugged, knowing he had nowhere to be and his gaze met Alice's shortly.

"Uh, I don't know," Alice trailed off and Emily pulled away from Nate to step towards Alice.

"Please, Ali. We have so much to talk about!" she pleaded with her old friend and Alice hesitated for a moment before nodding reluctantly.

"Okay," she agreed quietly and Emily squealed to herself quietly before clapping her hands, her infectious joy radiating off of her the same way it had always done.

Why am I doing this? Alice thought to herself as she turned her attention back to Chris.

I'm so glad I'm doing this. Chris thought to himself as his eyes caught hers.

tags:

@dsturniolo @sturniolopepsi @chrissturnioloswifesblog @chrisstankyleg @lov3bug @stunza @pinklittleflower @trinity2058 @alorsxsturn @v1nuswrites

[9w1ft]

What is your personal interpretation of Happiness? I've seen ex Kaylors use it as the closure song between them, the ones who don't hate Karlie of course. But you said you don't really believe they broke up. So is it just a metaphor or actually fiction as more of a concept for what it feels to move on?

i have a really specific interpretation for it that has stood the test of time with what i’ve felt through midnights and ttpd, but as some may know i’ve been keeping it to myself for awhile now. i still think that im keeping it to myself unless a few things happen that would affirm my interpretation 🙂 but i thought id add a little more on to this answer for the fun of it, without fully showing my hand.

firstly, one broad thought i have about it is that people tend to ignore or not notice how the instrumental gets upbeat for the last section of the song, and her voice matches it. it’s sort of subtle but i think it’s important to understanding the emotions of the song.

in the fandom, the ‘are kaylor still together’ / ‘when did they break up’ questions are a not insignificant part of a lot of community discourse and so i think naturally a lot of people look to taylor’s songs for answers to these questions. but ultimately they are questions posed by us not her, and i feel like people never stop and think about if they’ve been asking the right questions. i think how did it end is a satirical take on this point actually. that there’s a thirst for answering our own questions that often disregards the people involved, because ultimately it’s about the thrill of knowing, the thrill of gossip, and the thrill of controlling the gossip. and in some cases, making a coin off of the gossip. but i digress.

i also think a lot of ex-kaylors, through no fault of their own, had that immediate ‘breakup’ reaction and interpretation for the song in the context of the time that it was released, winter 2020. people were very much looking around from october 2020 and thinking “what happened??” but now, we can go back and observe how things have played out since then, and with that new context i think it’s a bit easier to arrive to the interpretation i did

phrases like “i see it for what it is” or “leave it all behind” can sound quite negative when sung in a somber tone, but can also sound resolute or even positive when sang with more conviction. i think that so many of the lyrics in this song can come off sounding breakuppy but, and as people in long term committed relationships might help me attest, there are often disagreements or changes or moves that happen that were not what you had planned for and you can hold it against your partner and/or loved ones and you cling on to it, return to it, and harbored feelings can morph into something that looms larger for you over them than it should. and that state of mind often gets in the way of your happiness and everyone’s happiness. you are haunted by your strong feelings that something should have gone a particular way, the way you wanted it to and you had planned for. and maybe you realize that in pursuit of the very specific way you wanted things to go that you might have hurt people along the way, you may have made things harder or more complicated to proceed, and maybe you acknowledge that it’s just not worth it to be hung up on it anymore. maybe you acknowledge that happiness is something that has been built by everyone, and it’s here, and it’s within your reach. and from a birds eye view, you can see this reality and you can see that ultimately you’re not that far off from where you wanted to be and you can see the happiness on the horizon that extends from your history to beyond your lifetimes, and you could be happy with everyone if you just allow yourself to get over the particulars that you’re hung up on.

ultimately, taylor describes life as a willow, so i think we can guess how she proceeded. she didn’t break, she bent with the wind! and to me i see a little bit of the trademark wryness she kept with her through everything, we see it in songs like willow, and fortnight is another example of this, for me. to me, happiness is taylor working through feelings like i described above from within the existing relationship. and to me, especially knowing what we know now (and by knowing i mean, what anyone is able to see with their own eyes), the song doesn’t mean they have to have broken up. and i really think the song shows how they came out of it more unified than ever.

[wannaeatramyeon]

Goo Kim x Reader: Cookies (feat Gun)

Goo and Gun at the bakery for you

Goo loves you, y'know.

It has sorta become a tradition that when one of you is ill, whatever the ill person want, the ill person gets.

And you're there on your deathbed, head full of cold, with a craving for cookies. Not just any cookies, the ones from that extra special fancy little bakery you just love.

So here Goo waits.

With Gun impatiently by his side, wishing death upon Goo and death upon you because at least he would never be dragged into these mundane bullshit situations again. Why the fuck is he here when there's minors to cripple and hospitalise? Seriously, jesus fucking christ-

"Next!"

Disregarding Gun's grumbles, Goo shuffles forward and rocks excitedly back and forth.

Just one more person to serve, and then it's his turn! Only, Goo checks his watch, 5 minutes until close and there are loads left! Well, not loads loads, but there's more than a dozen. Surely enough for you and for the customer in front-

"I'll take the whole lot, please!"

What the FUCK!

"HEY!" Goo lunges just short of the aforementioned customer, "YOU CAN'T DO THAT!"

After paying and receiving her bag of goodies, the little granny with kind eyes amplified by round glasses, smiles up sweetly at Goo.

"I'm so sorry young man. I'm seeing my family today and want to share these with my children and grandchildren. I absolutely love this place and have been raving about it. It's been so long since I've seen them so I thought I would bring a treat. Ever since my husband died-"

Goo stands there agape, seeing red as she rambles on. Who the fuck cares, you just bought all the fucking cookies.

Respect your elders? He swears he will sock that old bitch in the mouth. He hopes she and the rest of her whole family chokes on those delicious cookie crumbs!

"YOU OLD HAG-"

Gun immediately clamps a hand around Goo's idiot mouth and holds him back.

With Goo struggling in his arms, he gives the friendly granny a polite nod as she waddles away with her bag full of baked goods; blissfully ignorant and not knowing how close she was to getting slapped by an irate blonde.

.

.

Outside the bakery, the sun is shining, there's a gentle autumn breeze, and the evening is beautiful.

Goo doesn't feel the sun. He doesn't feel the breeze.

The sun is shit and the breeze is shit and the evening is shit. He lives in darkness now, he doesn't deserve your love, he can never be happy again.

Dejectedly cradling his bag of crap, he wonders how he could go home to face you, his beloved. He bought what he could, some deliciously sweet and overpriced monstrosities, but it's not a cookie.

Really, Goo should thank his lucky stars that the main cause of grief in his life are goddamn fucking cookies. But.

It's still not a cookie. It's not what you asked for.

What if your sniffly nose and sore throat took a turn and you're dying? What if you're actually dead right now and the last thing you wanted was a cookie and he couldn't do that for you?

"Hey," Gun elbows him, snapping him out of his distress, "Look."

Literally standing a few metres away appears to be a father and daughter. He's wiping crumbs from her mouth, and- what's that in her hands?! Goo's eyes hone in on her little bag of cookies like a hawk.

"KID!!" he screeches, jumping over and crouching down to her height as she stares at this funny, weird man.

"How many cookies you got left?"

She peers into her bag, takes her time counting, then holds up four fingers, "Four!"

"How about I trade you this," Goo opens his bag of baked goods, "For your cookies?"

The little girl shakes her head, pigtails following the movement.

"Kid, don't you know these are more expensive." Another shake, "AND SEE! Icing! Sprinkles! Don't you kids love icing and sprinkles?"

The little girl shakes her head once more and Goo's eyes bug out.

For fuck's sake. Gun pinches the bridge of his nose, considering punting the kid or Goo, whoever is closest.

Whatever.

Taking a deep breath and ignoring Goo, who is on the verge of tears and a mental breakdown, Gun opts for the logical choice and approaches the father instead.

"This guy," Gun points at Goo, now wallowing pathetically on the ground, "Will give you 100,000 won for those cookies."

Seriously?! Just as Dad is about to say fuck yes, he takes a step back and eyes them up. Their impeccably tailored designer suits, their excrutiatingly expensive watches, their general aura of 'fuck you' money-

"500,000."

Gun shrugs, it's not his cash, "Deal."

Heh, suckers. Dad squats down to his daughter. With the experience of being on the wrong end of a screaming tantrum one too many times, he promises toys and TV time and whatever the hell she wants, in exchange for the bag of cookies.

Obediently, and with a peppy smile, she hands them over to him.

Dad holds the bag out in one hand to Gun, and pointedly, his other cash-less palm.

Gun nudges Goo, currently rolling around forlornly on the floor, with his foot, "Pony up, you fucking moron."

Holy shit, Goo could kiss Gun right now. Goo springs up in joy.

Finally! These motherfucking cookies!

Is that the warmth of the sun he can feel? The refreshing breeze? And isn't this evening magical-

Hold the fuck on. Unwelcome clarity slams into him. Five hundred fucking thousand won?!

With tears in his eyes, Goo digs out his wallet and forks over the cash.

[moon-andstardust]

So I've come across a lot of posts that basically say that the only reason people didn't like Steve's ending was because they didn't want him to be happy/they didn't allow him to be selfish. And the last one riled me up enough to post this.

Disclaimer: I'm not trying to attack anyone's opinion, I'm stating my interpretation of Steve's ending and the reasons why I, personally, didn't like it

My reasons for hating disliking Steve's ending, in no particular order:

1. He wouldn’t fit in

Steve has been out of ice for at least ten years, give or take a few. He has had time to adjust and somewhat get used to his new reality. He has also changed as a person(even if his core character traits remained the same). To say that Steve went through a lot would be an understatement: Chitauri invasion, Ultron, Sokovia accords, the whole Thanos shitshow. Anyone who could've understood these things he left behind.

His loneliness isn't necessarily a new thing either, Steve didn't have all that many friends besides Bucky even in the 19s.

By the time endgame rolls around, I think his trouble with fitting in has less to do with what year he was born in and more with other people's reluctance to see beyond his captain america mask.

He'd be just as out of place in the Past as he was in the Future.

2. Peggy has already lived her life.

It's been made obvious that she lived quite a happy life without Steve even if she mourned his death. Peggy had a husband. She had children. All of her life choices were completely disregarded by Steve when he shoehorned his way back into Peggy's life.

Also, she has been dead for about seven years now. And Steve, whose entire character arc before this movie was about changing and adapting, never giving up despite the trauma he experienced, never came to terms with it? He hadn't even known her all that well before going under the ice.

3. Steve can't back down from a fight if his the only one who can help

It's been established many many times that Steve hardly ever backs down from a fight, he's always trying to help people: "If I see a situation going south I can't ignore it." This guy. This guy proceeded to ignore: His best friend being tortured, experimented on and brainwashed by nazi scientists for seventy years; His other best friend being tortured, experimented on and turned into a child assassin by kgb; A secret nazi organization keen on murdering twenty million people slowly corrupting an organization his girlfriend/wife is trying to build.

I can see Steve retiring because he trusted his friends to do the right thing and protect people when he couldn't, but I can't see Steve turning a blind eye on the aforementioned when he was the only one even aware of them

On top of it all, Bucky's family was still around when Steve came back. Did he look Bucky's grieving family straight in the eyes as he told them that their son, their brother, was dead and never coming back? Did he toast in honor of Bucky with the Howling Commandos all the while knowing where he really was? I'm sorry, but I really can't reconcile this version of Steve with the one depicted in the earlier films.

In conclusion, my dislike for Steve's ending wasn't because I didn't want him to be selfish or happy, it was because his decision was extremely out of character and badly written.

[keruimi]

The Consequences of My Ignorance

Pairings: Miya Atsumu x Reader

Warning: Angst

Note: Forgive me if it's quite disorganized. I just rearranged an abandoned oneshot of mine so it can be quite messy. Early apologies!

_____________________________

One step...

Two step...

There were so many that even I couldn't count them. Steps between the two of us.

Build the distance that separated us.

I don't know how long it started when I noticed her slowly drifting away from me.

I don't know how long, has she been far away from me. Something so far that even I can't reach.

My first love felt so distant from me.

"Tsumu, tsumu" my twin called for me when my mind started to wander again.

"Did you see Y/n?" I asked him before we started to fight again. His hand that was supposed to hit me stopped midway.

"She passed by awhile ago, why?" He asked me while raising an eyebrow toward me who frowned.

She didn't even stop by?

"Did she say anything?"

"Nah" he looked away that made my frown deepen.

"She didn't stop by, not even for a minute?" I ask out loud as Suna from the other side approaches the net.

"You wouldn't even look at her or greet her so why should she bother?" He bluntly stated.

"Yeah, I think she finally decided to not waste her time on you"

That was supposed to be a joke. But the longer I reflected on it, the more the feeling of dread grew within me.

I carried that feeling to the Tokyo Stadium.

I am proud of myself for keeping up with my usual routine but damn that dreadful feeling never left me.

"Where did everything go wrong?" I question out loud as I slap my forehead in annoyance.

I've been doing great for the past few months, but her absence is really starting to bother me.

"Everything 'Tsumu" I've heard Samu beside me who leaned on the wall.

I was supposed to get annoyed but it felt like my entire world froze.

"You're thinking about her, right?" He gave me a side glance before he took a sip from his glass of water.

"We have told you before. Both of you started the relationship too early"

"What do you know?!" I burst out at him who stopped leaning on the wall in case I attacked him.

"Woman loves attention. Especially from their partner. 'Tsumu, you simply didn't bother being with her. In other words, you didn't make time for her" he exclaimed.

"It's normal if she wants to leave you"

"You-"

Ginjima went between the two of us to avoid escalating the situation especially in public.

"Don't you remember when you forgot her birthday? When you didn't congratulate her the first time she won a contest?" My twin continued his words as Akagi tried to shut him up before I completely lose control over myself.

"Your ignorance disregards even the major things in her life. You already took her love for granted. You have no right to ask for more"

No matter how angry I was at him, we both know that his words were engraved on my mind ever since that day.

That day I began to realize that I didn't manage to spend time with her on our entire relationship.

And if we did, I would simply forget she is with me.

I neglected her without noticing.

So stupid, Tsumu.

No wonder she didn't bother trying anymore.

Once that realization hit, I made up my mind to make up for her.

But I didn't realize how grave the consequences are.

"What do you mean Y/n?" I asked her, confusion laced my tone that made a small smile lift from her lips, not in disbelief but another emotion hidden on it.

Not even my words can explain it.

"Let's end it Atsumu. I can't handle this"

"So you're leaving?" I finally took a hold of her wrist that made her halt from her steps.

"Leave. Break up" that's the words she uttered that encircle my mind.

"Y/n"

"Atsumu" she finally faced me and the look of frustration is the one thing that greeted me.

"I never benefit from this relationship. Only your love and time is what I received." She started as she snatched her hands from me.

"But if one of those two slowly disappears, the other one will follow. That's the real nature of this emotion called love." She muttered before looking away from me.

"I'm tired. So tired" she whispered as she wiped a tear that attempted to escape from her eyes.

"We are not acting like a couple anymore. So what's the point of this relationship of ours?" She managed to let out before facing her back to me.

"I have no strength, nor patience to stay in a relationship"

"Y/n... You know there are things I still need to do at that time. This is just one of the times where we need to make it through" I reasoned making her huff at my words.

"We?" She looks back to me with anger on her gaze and tears gloss over her eyes. "You were never there" she laughed out before giving a tight smile and looking away.

"Atsumu, I also have my own needs. I also need you to tend my insecurities. But in the end?"

"It was all on me and I can't take it" I noticed her clench her fist shut as she blinked her tears away.

"You were never there..."

That time, I felt a pang of pain in my chest from her words.

"I shouldn't have chosen a start

player. Worse, a prideful one too"

The regrets were very obvious. She regret loving me.

"What was my youngest self thinking?"

"Y/n"

"If I were to choose a volleyball player, I should have chosen someone like Hirugami"

"At least he would not forget about me"

Her words made me silent as her sobs was the only thing I can hear.

When did he entered the picture?

"Do you really regret loving me?" I ask her once to confirm if it was really her real thoughts and not an impulsive one. Because her words really hurted me

But her gaze really gave away everything.

"Atsumi is a great volleyball player. You have many achievements and less time for a relationship. So I never blame you for it"

"I kept trying. I really did" she cried out as she step back when I tried to reach for her.

"But even if I become an air, I can't enter your life at all. Can't make you look at me at all, can't make you prioritize me more"

"Whether it was in activities, hangouts, school, rest, I put you above others!" She pointed her finger on me as she bit her lip in act of holding back.

"That's why it hurts more knowing I give my all"

Her words conquer my mind the entire match against Shiratorizawa that we almost lost because of it.

"Atsumu, get yourself together" the coach scolded me as I bit my lip to stop myself from crying.

Its difficult.

"You can handle yourself without me"

Those painful reality words made me think about my actions from this past month.

"You wouldn't even look at her or greet her so why should she bother?"

"You didn't make time for her"

"Samu" I called out for my twin who kept drinking from his bottle as he sat beside me.

"What?"

"I badly messed up"

And I don't know how to correct it back.

When she is not willing to come back or even repair the relationship she chose to end.

I'm losing my mind

And that heartbreak turns into jealousy when her focus went to a middle blocker I completely knew.

Hirugami Sachiro from Kamomedai High.

Her words completely threw me off my focus.

The only time I got to calm down is when I manage to target him throughout our match.

My team doesn't even know but Hirugami itself seems to know, due to the way he gazes at me.

"Don't you think you're getting too heated with me the way you keep targeting me" He finally spoke up when both of us were in the front lines.

He's relaxed smile made my blood boil more.

"Don't blame me for your short outcomes"

Suna took a hold of my arm before I managed to get to the other court just to land a smack on him.

"I envy you, Hirugami" I muttered as I snatched my arm away from Suna.

"I lost to you again"

That time, I completely broke down.

No matter how good I was, or how talented I am. I would always lose to someone like Hirugami.

He's not a genius, nor a well-known person.

But the feeling of inferiority never left me ever since we met in middle school.

The fact that she compared me to him out of all people, never made me happy even if we won the game.

"People chose you over me. The only time someone chooses me is when it comes to playing volleyball"

"That's already a great achievement, Miya. I came from a family of talented volleyball players. Winning against me in that category is something you should be proud of."

"How can I?" I spat back as he finally took my feelings seriously.

"I always lose against you and I hate it"

That damn jealousy didn't leave my chest even after we won the match.

Nothing seems to make me happy anymore.

Because I lost her

_____________________________

Hirugami's Perspective

[v-anrouge]

Addressing and apologizing for the mistreatment and harassment i caused for @twstchatterbox

Long post under cut.

i’ve recently reached out to someone i have hurt a lot continuously due to my own selfishness; Rubia. i’d like to apologize to her. to make things brief we dated a system's alters and would all talk to each other multiple times a day because of it. Everything seemed to be going fine until one day Rubia reached out to me with a text warning me about the fact she'd be taking a mental health break due to her social battery being low, of course seeing that my first thought was panic and that surely ive done something terrible, despite her attempts to assure me that it wasn't the case. i blocked her because seeing her hurt me, and i was convinced i was right in the situation, and that Rubia was some heartless monster. i have gone out of my way for about two years now to spread rumors about her, participated in a hate club, went out of my way to ruin her friendships and isolate her, I was ruining her social life and it made me happy. It doesn't matter how I feel anymore because this is all my fault and I was disgusting.

I know i already sent you an apology but ill gladly do it again, even if you do not forgive me, because it's a totally understandable thing to do. Back when this happened all i could think of was myself, how sad i was how hurt i was and looking back on it i really feel just disgusted with myself and how i dared play victim when your note clearly showed you were not okay mentally, instead of being a good friend and wishing you a good recovery, i immediately treated you like you had betrayed me and completely disregarded everything you told me in that note. None of what happened was your fault, clearly if i had been cut off it was because i was also doing damage, and instead of apologizing i decided to treat you rudely, and i really truly do regret my actions. It's even more disgusting to take in the fact i continuously painted you as a terrible person when i check the way i answered to you reaching out and trying to be friends again, instead of asking for an explanation instead.

In the server i was in had two people who also constantly insulted and painted Rubia as a monster, one of them being the person she considered her internet little sibling at the time; hikaru and the other one is our ex, which id rather not mention. In that server we'd constantly talk about Rubia in a negative way that only served to make us dehumanize her even more, it started at first with simple venting made by hikaru because of the way they felt betrayed and hurt by being abandoned when they genuinely considered themselves siblings, then i joined in where we'd blame and insult Rubia for cutting us off completely ignoring the reasoning behind her decision, the system, who created the server then joined in, at first only expressing how they felt rubia didn't see them as a system but rather just as the alter she dated, painting their relationship as abusive and saying Rubia was causing the alter to almost go dormant. with our constant slander i only started to hate and see rubia in an even more negative light, which only made the way i talked about her with my friends worse. In these almost two years, ive demonized rubia in many ways, all because i was desperate to seem valid, ive hurt her in ways i know i will never be able to make up for, and any backlash i receive for this is more than deserved. Im posting publicly with her permission and supervision both out of respect for her, but also so you all can see the type of person i am, you can all feel free to block me and cut me off if you see fit, it was my own actions that brought this after all. And to Rubia; i know no matter how many times i say this that it'll never fix the ways i hurt your social life, but im truly sorry, i hope that one day you're able to get help and heal from the damage i've caused.

[celenawrites]

TW - just a vent about fandom stuff.

I feel kinda sad about how some creators in the CoD fandom have now abandoned creating content for the game series due to the demanding nature of other fans who used to consume their content. (fics, art, etc)

Like, these artists/writers in the fandom write fanfics/create art, FOR FREE OF COST and dedicate SO MUCH TIME AND ENERGY to their craft despite not getting much in return, only to deal with senseless hate, ignorance, stupidity and get treated as content generation machines; instead of actual human beings with jobs and studies and friends and families that need their time and attention as well.

A lot of us folks who write or draw do this as a hobby. As an outlet for our creativity, and we find this community for the media we are currently fixated on and we create things inspired by it cuz it brings us joy. IT MAKES US HAPPY SO WE CREATE CONTENT FOR IT!!! And then to see the same fandom/community and their horrendous behaviour driving away the creators from the fandom and the media itself is just....sad. Very disheartening.

Like I miss so many of the creators who have just given up on CoD cuz of this issue. Their works have inspired me to start writing again. They make me wish I start learning how to draw and paint again too. Their works have touch my soul, and made me happy - gave me something to look forward to every day.

But I'd much rather they leave the fandom and take care of themselves and their life, than to succumb to this weird pressure fans and fan-content consumers put on them, y'know?

Plus recently, I've seen a lot of racist and stereotypical prejudices from some CoD fans (and even some creators). I know a lot of them are new to the fandom, I was too. But I took an active effort to learn more about this game series. (and it's an ongoing effort cuz I cannot afford to play the games so I have to settle for wiki articles, gameplays, and comics) And I see so many fans not give a shit about it. They treat these characters as blank canvases to fulfill their hypersexual fantasies. (I like me a good smut fic or two, don't get me wrong) But that just makes it impossible for newer fans to get to know more about the lore and the characters. I had just finished watching the campaign for MW, and let me tell you, there are so many complex missions, characters and storylines to explore and depict through fanfics, and it's insane so many people disregard it for their whimsies so easily. That will just stunt your growth as an artist/writer! Read up on the lore, watch the game plays(the OGs and the remakes!) , maybe even read the comics!!! I promise you won't regret it ever!!!

Also, please! For all that is holy, stop putting these complex fictional characters into restricted boxes and label them. That just makes them so one-dimensional. Like -

Soap is not always cheery and bubbly and your fellow bestie. Simon is not an abuser/emotionally dead asshole just because he has a hard time expressing his emotions like everyone else. König, despite the lack of storyline/lore we have on him, isn't an uwu social anxiety babygirl, damn it. Stop excluding Gaz from your HCs and fics! He's a complex man with so many interesting things to explore about his overall story and psyche as a part of 141. He's not always begging for Price's approval either, he can and has objected to how questionable their methods have been regarding their field/work. Stop excluding Gaz from 141 stuff! It makes you look like a POS, and a lot of the people who exclude him are doing so for....pretty racist reasons. As a POC, this shit sucks balls. Also stop stereotyping POC characters in CoD - Alejandro, Rudy, Valeria, Gaz, Farah....just stop. Their ethnicity or race should not deter you from writing about them in a way that doesn't come across as prejudiced and ill-informed.

Also, not necessarily a rant, but please consider/remember the fact that the military has always been a bit of a morally dubious field of work irl, and just cuz CoD is military-centric and features characters who work in the army or PMC and take out bad guys - that doesn't take away from the violent history military has and how they have contributed to the deterioration of many countries (mainly in the Middle East). Heck, even these characters in the CoD games have done extremely unethical things and employed treacherous methods in order to get the job done. These characters may be good people in fiction, but that doesn't mean that they have done great things or have always stayed morally pure. Explore the dubious nature of it all - explore how dark and harrowing it can be for them and for the people that unwittingly or knowingly get involved in their work. It's dark and twisted but it's crucial since it's inspired from our world and it's necessary for us as humans and as artists to explore such themes and analyse them! It's crucial for the soul!!!

[reorientation]

hi um. this is the trans man who's scared of pregnancy. I can't even count how many times I've read your response now; before you posted it i would check your blog at least twice every day waiting to see what you said. It tortured me to think of you reading it and writing out a reply, maybe getting off to this shameful thing I'd admitted, and it tortured me to think of you ignoring it because you had better things to do, ignoring my urgent desire for your baby in me. Yesterday I told myself that I was done checking, that I'd gotten these desires out of my system. But today I decided to look one last time, before leaving the house to pick up a birth control prescription I was late refilling, and now I'm on my knees again, legs shaking, cervix kissing the tips of my fingers, picturing your cock beading with precum inside me, feeling nauseating stabs of fear and imagining them melting away like you promised. I've been telling myself again and again that I need to go for a walk, clear my head, get my birth control, but I can't stop thinking about you guiding me into my place as I shiver with reluctance, shushing my objections, your eyes lighting up as I go from squirming in disgust to fully accepting what you've decided my purpose to be. You hungrily tracking the terrifying, violating changes my body goes through and reassuring me they're what's meant to happen and exactly what you want. Holding me accountable to my biological responsibility.

(Previously)

These needs just keep coming at the most inconvenient times, don't they? When you're late for a trans support group; when you're late to refill your birth control prescription. When you should be carrying out the duties of the life you think you want, you're on your knees dreaming about me putting a life inside you.

All those little delays are just prelude, though: you'll come so much harder once you're late.

It's adorable, too. You're so tormented, and you can't decide if it's because I might be coming to the thought of you being my compliant little babymaker, or because I might not be. You're scared because I know what you need, and you're scared I might not judge you worthy.

So many little paradoxes. So much running around inside that little head of yours. So much that's surplus to requirements.

It would be so much easier if you were underneath me, wouldn't it? You'd know if you were worthy - at the moment you felt my bare cock press deep inside of you and pulse. Even if I had to hold you down, you'd still learn the ecstacy of being chosen to bear a man's child.

Because that's what it's all about, in the end. Me choosing you, and choosing for you. Choosing to disregard your fears and identities if they get in the way. Choosing your role in life, in a way you never could.

Choosing to keep you dripping my cum and making my babies.

[stone-holocron]

-A Meditation on The Jedi-

So, here's the thing...

For as long as I can remember, my favorite story (or rather my favorite narrative setting) has been Star Wars. For the same amount of time, the Jedi have been my heroic ideal in fiction. However, for a long time now (well over half my life, in fact) something has felt... off. It seems that the idea in my head is resembling what I see on page and screen less and less. I've been wondering what the problem was, and at last I think I've found it.

In the year 2024 a live action Star Wars show called The Acolyte was released. The story takes place 100 years before the Skywalker Saga and tells the story of an encounter between a small group of Jedi, a coven of witches, and the consequences that ensued years later. In the story, several Jedi characters are presented as deeply flawed in their motivations and actions. They are reckless, selfish, deceitful, duplicitous, impatient, self-righteous, and unrepentant. The initial run of episodes concludes with one of the main characters rejecting and killing her Jedi mentor and joining a follower of the Dark Side. This is framed by the narrative as an empowering and liberating moment.

As one might expect, The Acolyte has drawn a great deal of criticism. Much of this is comprised of all too familiar nonsense from culture war grifters and bad faith outrage baiters, who should be ignored and disregarded. However, there have been many who have accused The Acolyte of intentionally misrepresenting the morality of Star Wars, spreading a lie that the good guys are actually the bad guys, and vice versa. I think that these people are correct, at least from a certain point of view.

I'll explain.

In the three movies of the Star Wars Original Trilogy, we are given a basic, but serviceable, definition of a Jedi. They are guardians of peace and justice, they wield the lightsaber as their signature weapon, they use the Force for knowledge and defense, they do not initiate conflict, and they resist the temptation to use their powers for selfish or malicious ends. Simple enough, right? We have a framework that is unrestrictive, dynamic, and unambiguously heroic. This was what the Jedi were when I found Star Wars as a young child.

Jedi were heroes.

Then things changed.

In 1999, Episode I: The Phantom Menace was released. The Prequel Trilogy was George Lucas's attempt to tell the story of how a democratic Republic becomes an authoritarian Empire, and how an order of wise and powerful warriors is driven to the brink of extinction. When we are shown the introductory characters in Episode I, it seems like everything is fine. The two Jedi wield their lightsabers with finesse, they have powerful Force abilities, and they are quick to fight the villains and save the innocent. Then we meet the Jedi Order, and that's when the trouble begins.

We learn from the Prequel movies that the Jedi are an order of ascetics who live in isolation from the rest of the galaxy in a great temple, and are bound by a multitude of codes, mandates, and strictures. Only candidates too young for independent action are eligible for Jedi training. Jedi are forbidden from having any contact with their families or communities of origin. Jedi are forbidden from having personal possessions. Jedi are forbidden from marrying or having children, and they are heavily discouraged from forming close relationships with anyone. Jedi masters are forbidden from teaching more than one apprentice at a time. Perhaps most noteworthy of all, Jedi must show absolute obedience to the decrees of the High Council, a self-selecting governing body that maintains an exclusive arrangement with the Senate of the Galactic Republic. This is a complete departure from what we've been told the Jedi are supposed to be. This isn't a fellowship of courageous heroes, but rather a repressive cult.

Here's the thing, though. That's not a failure on the narrative's part. Remember, one of the points of the Prequels is to explain how the Jedi were defeated. Having them lose their way and become obsessed with maintaining a beneficial status quo at all costs, even to the point of indoctrination, is a great way to do that. The failure on the narrative's part is that this is never identified as the Jedi failing. Think about it. In The Phantom Menace we have Qui-Gon Jinn, a character created specifically to be a maverick and unorthodox Jedi, and yet he is never anything but deferential to the rest of the order. He never accuses them of bad practices, never debates them on ideology, doesn't so much as imply that reform should even be a possibility. The orthodoxy is just accepted as a given and left at that. In Attack of The Clones, Anakin's inability to conform to Jedi standards isn't treated as the inevitable consequences of being inducted into a religious order that relies on all of its new members being too young to have fully formed thoughts and opinions, but rather as a moral failing (for the record, I know Anakin's being a whiny brat in Ep. II but I stand by my point). In Revenge of the Sith, not only does Palpatine forgo criticizing the legitimately dysfunctional practices of the Jedi for a lie about them being so afraid of power that they conspire to keep anyone else from having it, but after the execution of Order 66 (which the narrative goes out of its way to portray as an abject and unmitigated tragedy) the survivors don't even reflect on what went wrong. The Jedi are presented throughout the Prequel Trilogy with a cargo bay's worth of institutional flaws, but at the same time they're just the helpless victims of unforeseeable circumstances.

This carries into subsequent Star Wars media. A whole host of books, games, and comics follows that takes the Jedi with all of their problematic institutions, and either avoids or ignores comprehensive criticism, merely presenting them as unambiguous heroes. This sets a precedent for years to follow, and it changes the base premise.

The Jedi are heroes, even if their practices are problematic.

That logic doesn't parse.

We see the first signs of structural instability a little over a decade later, in the Clone Wars animated series. Barris Offee, literal poster girl for Prequel-era Jedi orthodoxy and unable to reconcile the idea of what the Jedi are supposed to be with the reality of what they are, has a psychological breakdown and becomes a murdering terrorist. After being caught and presented to the court trying the case, she accuses the Jedi of losing their way, but then she doesn't say why or how. In the same show we see Ahsoka Tano, scapegoated by the Jedi Council as the murdering terrorist and offered an unprecedented promotion when her name is cleared, choosing to leave the Jedi Order entirely. She never calls them out. There's no acknowledgement of the hypocrisy or the valuing of political stability over principles. It's just treated as a difference of opinion. Leaving the animated shows behind, in The Last Jedi we see a disillusioned Luke Skywalker declare that the legacy of the Jedi is failure, but he doesn't provide evidence. Instead, he merely blames them for letting evil win. So here we see that the consequences of the faulty logic are playing out. The Jedi can't be heroes at the same time as they have these bad practices, but because we've all internalized that we don't question anything, there's no diagnosis or articulation of the underlying issue. This collapse leads us to the brink of losing the original idea.

Being a Jedi gets in the way of being a hero.

Recently (relatively speaking), we've seen a variety of new "Jedi" characters in Star Wars media, all of whom are defined by the way in which they break from the Jedi mold and are better for it. Ahsoka Tano only reaches her full potential of wisdom and power after leaving the order and striking out on her own. Kanaan Jarrus takes a young man as his apprentice and has a romance with a member of his crew. Cal Kestis learns to let go of his Jedi past and embrace the support of friends and close relationships. Grogu would rather abandon further instruction in the Jedi arts to be with his adoptive father. Even Dark Jedi Baylon Skoll's sympathetic nobility is derived from his awareness of the Jedi Order's institutional failings. We have entered a time when being a Jedi is now either neutral at best, a part of the problem at worst, and never the solution. Even the High Republic series, which focuses on the Jedi at the supposed height of their influence, can only present characters who's heroic impulses clash with the hampering restrictions of "The Jedi Way". Sav Malagan, Avar Kriss, Lula Talisola, and Elzar Mann in particular stand out. We have reached the final breakdown of the concept.

A Jedi is not a hero.

Now we return to The Acolyte, and if Jedi are not heroes, then what are they? Well, they're just another faction, making moves and trying to get ahead. The narrative doesn't hold them to a higher standard anymore, so the only way to make them interesting in to make them complicated, and one of the best ways to make them complicated is to make them problematic. The Acolyte is not a betrayal of Star Wars. On the contrary, it's the inevitable result of an unchallenged narrative paradigm 25 years in the making. The Jedi can't be heroes, because their methods, beliefs, and practices are all compromised. This is how it is now.

But it doesn't have to be.

Before this ball got rolling in Episode I, there was a Star Wars comic series that ran from 1994 to 1998. It was called Tales of the Jedi, and as the name implied it was about the adventures of a host of original Jedi characters who lived long before the events of the movies. These Jedi, and the Order they were a part of, stand in almost complete opposition to everything that that is taken for granted about "Problematic Jedi" in contemporary media.

These are Ulic and Cay Qel Droma, brothers from Alderaan who trained as Jedi Knights under the same master. It didn't matter that they were related to one another.

This is Tott Doneeta. He and his family were saved from slavers by the Jedi, and he joined their ranks. He trained with the Qel Droma brothers under the same master. It didn't matter that his master had multiple apprentices.

This is Shoaneb Culu. As a grown woman, she sought out and was accepted for Jedi training. It was her plan to return to her homeworld and build an academy. Her age didn't count against her eligibility.

This is Qrrrl Toq. In addition to being a Jedi Knight, he was also the Crown Prince of his people's royal family. The Jedi did not require him to abandon his possession of rank and title to join them.

This is Sylvar. She trained as a Jedi Knight alongside her lover Crado, both under the same master. Their relationship was not seen as a violation of the Jedi way.

This is Dace Diath. His father was a Jedi Knight, who trained him until he was ready to be sent to another master. It wasn't strange for a Jedi to have a child.

This is Andur Sunrider. He was a Jedi apprentice. He was also married and had a child. When he was sent to train with another master, his wife and daughter accompanied him. It wasn't forbidden for Jedi to marry.

This is Nomi Sunrider. When her husband was tragically killed, she took up his quest and became a Jedi apprentice herself. It didn't matter that she was a mother at the same time.

This is Ossus, where Nomi Sunrider went to build her lightsaber. During her time here, she placed her daughter with the other children of Jedi because she was not a special exception.

This is the Conclave at Deneba, where the Jedi gathered to collectively decide on a course of action. The Jedi normally acted independently, or in small groups. There was no High Council that commanded the obedience of all Jedi.

The Jedi are heroes. They always have been. The truth of them from the very first Star Wars stories is still with us, but for a quarter of a century (as of this post) we have been believing that a cavalcade of lies, failings, and false premises placed upon them are what they actually are. It's time for that to end.

For too long, we've been living in a world inundated by cynical and jaded discourse. So called "realists" have been ruthlessly deconstructing our heroes and saying that believing in courage, hope, and altruism is the behavior of the juvenile or the deluded. I say that it's high time the heroes of our fantasies were heroes again.

The Jedi have been imprisoned for too long.

It's time to set them free.

[tg-pilled]

Let's discuss: Queerness in Tokyo Ghoul!

To start off, I just want to mention that these are things I have noticed. Nothing is necessarily canon (or non canon) but it's something I'm very interested in. I've been learning a lot in the queer horror club I'm in and it's been really fun dissecting Tokyo Ghoul in the same way!

This will go character to character. It's not going to be a complete list as there's SO much to cover but...

Kaneki: Not to state the obvious but his friendship with Hide surpasses a Lot of what heteronormativity usually allows. I don't think he's even fully aware of his attraction until after he meets Touka. Because Hide had been such a permanent fixture in his life growing up, they never really had ever been apart. Their bond is deep and strong and definitely can be looked at from an extremely queer perspective. (I'm not trying to say that all men who show affection to one another are queer because that is simply not true.) Once he becomes a ghoul and he has that separation from Hide, I think that is when his sexuality is fully recognized. Especially in the manga, his bond with Hide runs deeper than with almost every other character. I'd say the exception to that rule is Touka in :re. In the manga during the death kiss, he didn't even know if Hide was real or not. He was in such a state of disorientation and confusion but Hide was still the one that he saw. Of course, Hide was actually there with him. But because Kaneki was in such a delirious state, surely he could have hallucinated the death kiss to be with Touka? Or anyone else? Why specifically did Hide come to mind during that time? Again, he was in a moment of crisis and Hide had always been that stability for him but it's just curious to think about...

Hide: I've seen and read so many different rumours about how Sui Ishida intended for Hide to be canonically bisexual. However, I can't find that interview or confession ANYWHERE in a way that makes it clear that Sui Ishida actually said that so we will disregard that for now. Setting that aside, Hide has a very intriguing point of view of Kaneki. His insight on Kaneki's life is the closest we get to an outside perspective of Kaneki's behaviour from an intimate view. Obviously we see other ghouls, CCG members, etc. studying the way Kaneki behaves but we never see it in the same way that we do with Hide. That boy has been taking notes on Kaneki since he first started acting odd. He caught onto Kaneki being a ghoul with ease (ofc this depends on the version as well. We are ignoring the live action version because it screws up the source material.) No matter how hard Kaneki tried, he could not get Hide to stop caring and stop observing. Hide went undercover in both the CCG and ghoul world to make sure Kaneki was okay. His life centred around Kaneki. That in itself is a confession of love and not in the platonic way.

Uta: Setting aside the way he looks at Renji for a moment, his entire being breaks the norms which is what queerness and queer history has always been. Uta quite literally makes masks so ghouls can create a whole other identity surrounding their otherness. His entire presence screams queer-coded.

Tsukiyama: I don't think I need to explain this one much tbh but his obsession with Kaneki cannot be overlooked. It is obviously super creepy in a lot of way and he crosses a TON of boundaries. However, that level of obsession is definitely not in a "you're my guy pal, let's go lift weights at the gym" (idk what cishet men do I'm sorry). His fascination with both the male and female ghouls feels very queer to me even though it is to an extreme that needs to be observed and dissected with caution.

Nico: He is the embodiment of a gay stereotype. Obviously not all rep is good rep but he definitely fits the mold and he is definitely queer, no doubt about it.

Mutsuki: Without a doubt, he is trans. Many people argue "oh he only transitioned so he could become a Quinx Squad member and change his identity better blah blah blah." HOWEVER. I raise you: once Urie found out his assigned gender at birth, why did he feel so deeply uncomfortable? Obviously, he was worried that Urie would tell everyone and their mom but even after Urie kept that a secret, he was still nervous. It's almost like he didn't want to be treated differently because of his assigned gender at birth and transition... There is a lot about Mutsuki that could have been handled better but I also think that him keeping his preferred name, pronouns, etc. is so important. Not once did Urie question it, he just wanted Mutsuki to keep doing his job well. Mutsuki is a very complex character and you can dissect his storyline from a million povs but I think first and foremost that he is trans and that there isn't really a question as to whether or not he wants to be referred to as a man or not

Overall, all these characters are only a small part of an even LARGER queer analogy! Tokyo Ghoul is about a man learning to grapple with being both ghoul AND human. Taking this into account, a ton of queer people have to be worried about being 'found out' or 'outed' because we live in a world where it is dangerous for queer people to exist still (much like it is dangerous for ghouls to exist). Kaneki is coming to terms with the fact that he might not be fully human (or the societal norm). Learning to deal with that, especially when you feel like you're the first EVER because you have no prior experience or relationships with other members of the LGBTQ+ community is terrifying! That feeling of 'otherness' or 'monstrosity' is unfortunately something a lot of queer folks have to go through. The CCG has a very religious/governmental parallel to it and could even be used as a metaphor for the hate that queer people receive from institutions that benefit from our suffering. However, Akira AND Amon both empathize with Takizawa eventually and are subject to abuse and rejection because they love and care about someone in the 'other' community. Haise's transition and morphing with Kaneki is a beautiful metaphor for how many queer people will try to be 'normal' or conform to society for protection but you always kind of know your identity is there. As mentioned earlier, Uta makes masks for other ghouls so they can create a separate identity to protect themselves when trying to exist. That feeling of two separate identities, two separate worlds that you think cannot combine is SO common in the queer community. Kaneki feeling like he isn't enough of ghoul OR human to fit into the world at all is often how queer people are treated too. Being told you're not enough of something and being rejected by communities who allegedly were there to protect you. To conclude, I'd like to say thank you for reading all this (if you did) and also feel free to add on, debate, or include things I'm missing! Also I wrote this very very sleep deprived so I'm sorry about my grammar. Okay goodnight oomfies

[speyeralling-down-thy-majesty]

Statement of Amelie... Amelie the Spiral Librarian, regarding their backstory. Statement provided directly by subject,March 01st,2023.

I think my name is Amelie Alice Liddel. I can't remember my birthplace,nor my family.Did I even have one? I wish I knew,some true,untwisted knowledge would be nice. I'm not even sure if my name is something that was given to me or something I came up with myself…

One thing I clearly remember, though,is how and why I ended up here, working at the institute.

You see, I always loved books. Letting myself get lost in the unreality, drinking in the knowledge and the words. Escaping the boring everyday life. I would spend hours reading, ignoring the reality outside the pages.

I was always curious too,and that hunger to know everything,even the most obscure things only strengthened as time passed by. And books were the perfect gateway. They were fascinating and so entrancing!!

So, I decided- I want to spend more of my life being surrounded by what makes me the happiest. Books. Working as a librarian became my ultimate goal. Afterall, what's better for a book lover like me than to be surrounded by books full time?

With a fresh degree,and no experience ,silly little overambitious me applied as a librarian at The Magnus Institute, almost as a prank. They were losing their mind from happiness after receiving an answer. They were accepted!

It was all I wanted and more. I loved taking care of books, protecting them, losing myself among them,in a way... But you see, I was always oh so controlled by my curiosity,like Alice in Wonderland.

One day, I came across the most gorgeous book. Shimmering, seemingly shifting with strange colours,cover adorned by interlocking spirals and fractals divine. I needed to read it. It. Called. To . Me.

And so I did. It told me things. So... Many... Things... Things that could never be possible, truths that were wrong,so,so many things that they couldn't comprehend,too much,too many and it made my head hurt. I forced it close, I oh so hoped it will make it stop. I just wanted to forget what I read,erase my mind from the overload of strange knowledge, changing my perception of reality.

Oh but it didn't stop.

I started hearing whispers, taunting, begging, pleading me to just open the book once more. Promises to make it go away,unaltering my reality and untwisting the knowledge I gained.

The strange fractals I saw haunted me every time I closed my eyes or lost focus.

I also developed a headache that nothing would soothe,a mad pain. Trust me, I've tried. I took so many different types of painkillers, disregarding my physical wellbeing. After all, nothing else matters much when you're being driven mad by pain. You just want it to stop. One way or another.

My dreams were haunted by an endless library, getting lost in it,trapped in seemingly ever shifting shelves. I remember reading books that didn't make sense. Written in symbols I couldn't comprehend,yet my mind forced me to understand them. I don't know how,but it did. I am certain that knowledge was forced into my mind.

Later on I noticed how looking in the mirrors only showed a warped reflection… My eyes weren't the same as well. They seemed to swirl in spirals of strange colors,not unlike those of the cover of the book that doomed me. It hurt to look at myself. I don't think I could even comprehend what I saw,and how much of it was still me.

And yet, nobody else saw anything wrong with me. To everyone else,the book was normal. Even I myself looked normal. I don't think I believed them. How could they not see,not know,that I was becoming a twisted version of myself?!

It overwhelmed me so much… No one believed me when I told about the ways my self has changed. They just looked at me as if I was going insane. Looking back with the knowledge I now have, I probably was.

The whispers coming from the book were deafening and I've been having intense nosebleeds as it went on,for months now. My body was giving up, and I had to make a choice- death or finishing what I started. So I picked up that damn book again, taking time and care to understand it,in hopes it will fix something,and this time? Everything made sense. The clarity and joy was overwhelming,the happiness maddening!! And so I laughed. Laughed for way too long that should have been possible,but I didn't care.

The joy was immense ,and I felt one with that book,in a strange way,as if we were twisted together. We were one.

I don't remember much about what happened after. I just remember the ease with which I was capable of twisting and distorting truth, playing with reality,and enjoying the fear. I realised I could ask people questions,and have them answer it truthfully,and then use that knowledge to drive them mad. It was so satisfying to watch the fear in their eyes, having them realise they revealed their deepest secrets to me. It was fun convincing them of the many ways it wasn't true, watching them lose trust in their mind,the only thing they thought would never betray them.

I don't think I regret opening the book. Sure,there are times I miss being human,but I'm still doing what I love atleast. I'm still surrounded by books, still a librarian,even if serving two fears.

I no longer trust my own mind though. I am not sure how much of this is true,how much of it is a lie given to me by The Twisting Deceit. It is terrifying, sure,but I've grown fond of the madness. The Eye sometimes gives me fragments of truth,sure,but most of what I remember is… not something I'd rely on. There's a certain freedom in insanity, though! A certain messed up comfort in no longer caring.

Statement ends.

[tangleweave]

A PSA About Rules...

// I recently had to deliver a hard "no" to an RPer due to a series of red flags. Among them: no bio for their OC, no Rules, no age disclaimer, a clearly incompatible style, apparent disregard / ignorance of my muse list (they asked me to portray someone I don't write), and in spite of these things sending me an abrupt inquiry as to which of my characters I would ship with theirs.

I did my best to gently but thoroughly explain to them why I did not feel it was appropriate to have that conversation, and that due to so many major obstacles, I could not see myself writing with them. I offered my apologies and wished them luck on finding a more compatible writing partner.

I've been mulling on the event since then, and I think it's worth sharing these thoughts in the aftermath.

By and large, I adore the RPC, which is full of talented people dedicated to bringing their imaginations to life through the written word and through partnerships with like-minded hobbyist writers.

That being said, many in the community consider the existence of a Rules page to be both a requirement and a necessity. Encounters like the one I've described are precisely why. I have a Rules page whose link is embedded in this blog's pinned post, and I both want and expect potential writing partners to review it before interacting with me for a variety of reasons:

- I'm keeping myself safe.

- I want to keep you safe.

- It's a convenient access to everything you'll ever need to know about me and/or my muses in order to get started RPing with me.

- You deserve to have a clear understanding of my expectations and boundaries up front.

- You deserve to know where the awkward conversations will happen before they must.

In conclusion, please don't overlook someone's Rules page when gearing up to interact. A great many of us spend a lot of time and effort fashioning them so that we can save you both time and potential embarrassment. You deserve to have fun doing this, not to be made a fool of.