#I'm 30 now self care is essential

[kirstlander]

Anxiety was through the roof today because I got two fillings but I was literally in and out in 20 minutes and then went thrift shopping. Someone tell future Kirsty to chill the fuck out, honestly.

[bellanothadidloa]

I've been receiving a lot of inquiries since sharing my success story, and while I'm not planning to start a blog, I do want to address some common questions here.

Did I manifest everything from the void?

Yes, everything I listed was indeed manifested when I entered the void, as outlined in my story. I've had some successes with various experiments before, but none reached the level of my most recent attempt.

What was the most crucial factor in achieving the final breakthrough?

I wish there was a straightforward answer, but it probably boils down to the realization that no matter how much I complained or cried, I was determined not to give up. I would read success stories and find myself in tears because they mirrored the life I aspired to have. I wanted to shift realities, be wealthy, happy, and beautiful—it might sound vain, but that's what I desired. I longed to feel free, unbound by any world, and to pursue my own path. Who wouldn't want that? At some point, I asked myself, would I still be trying to shift at 30, while struggling with dietary issues caused by gut praxis disorder? If the answer was yes, what did that mean? It meant I wasn't going to give up. So, I kept trying different things, knowing that eventually, something would work. Inner work is essential, but I believe it's inevitable. The longest journey I've seen took seven years. Do I want that for myself? Absolutely not, but what if it happens? The very acceptance of that possibility means you're not giving up, so what does it matter?

What method did you use?

As I've mentioned, I've tried every method. The final one that worked was the morphic field. I don't really care whether it was the morphic fields or something else that clicked within me. As I mentioned earlier, I realized I was sad, but I knew I wasn't going to give up, so I let myself be sad. Who cares? Let me be angry; I'm still not giving up. So, why fight those feelings? I cared and was disappointed and scared, but I just decided to trust in the fields because, in the end, it didn't matter whether they worked or not. I wasn't giving up.

How do you feel now that you've achieved your dream life?

I've managed to transform my life and self-concept, and along with being incredibly happy, I feel a mix of sadness for everything I endured and pride for how I pushed myself before succeeding. Initially, I thought it would be hypocritical to say I love myself after I changed everything about myself, looks and life, but I realized this is my life, and I'm still the same person, just with desires that now align with my reality. Why would I want to be unhappy in a life that makes no sense to be sad in? I don't believe anyone deserves or doesn't deserve anything. Do what you want, pursue inner work if you wish, or just manifest your desires. Personally, I didn't feel the need to do the inner work after manifesting my dream life, but I know some people do, and that's beautiful too. Life is just beautiful.

How to mend your relationship with the void?

The only advice I can offer from my experience is to acknowledge that you're not giving up on it. It reminds me of toxic relationships where despite infidelity, they say, "I know where home is." Unlike those misguided people, the void genuinely serves its purpose and supports you. It already knows its home is with you, whether you realize it or not, and that's all that matters.

How did you exit the void state ?

Exiting the void was a simple experience for me. I simply took a deep, calming breath and set a clear intention to leave. The sensation that followed was like tunnel vision, where everything around me seemed to narrow and focus. This was followed by a profound sense of detachment from any sense of self, almost like becoming weightless or losing a sense of individual identity. When I finally opened my eyes, I found myself in a completely new room, confirming that I had successfully transitioned out of the void and back to reality with everything on my life

Did everything you wanted come true?

Oh, absolutely—and then some! I ended up getting things I didn't even know I wanted. The way I look now is even better than my Pinterest boards ever dreamed of. Like, I had this idea for how I wanted my room to look, trying to mash together different vibes and aesthetics, and it turned out way better than I could have pictured. I was stuck between wanting a curvy figure and that sleek Bella Hadid look, but somehow I got the best of both worlds, which is exactly what I was hoping for.

I wasn’t even thinking about changing my eye color, but it happened, and I absolutely love it. I thought I'd revise old friends, but instead, I found new, amazing people who fit into my life perfectly. Now that I’ve got a better sense of self, I see this is exactly what I really wanted deep down. Everything just fell into place so perfectly, and it feels like I've finally got a handle on what I truly wanted all along.

Can you manifest things for other people?

Well, yeah, but it’s kind of like it's really just about yourself in a way. I mean, there have been times when I managed to manifest things for my brother, but oddly enough, I struggled to do the same for myself. It's weird, right? I don't fully understand how manifestation works in every detail. I just kind of go with the flow and assume it works the way I want it to. If I can pull off all these manifestations, then why not just trust that I can manifest whatever I want, however I want it? That's the mindset I've adopted, and it seems to work for me.

What's it like being a master shifter?

It's like waking up and remembering who you truly are, and almost laughing at all the suffering you experienced. When you think about it, you might have lowkey created that suffering yourself, which is kind of sadistic, but instead of holding onto any negative emotions about the journey, I just appreciate my life more. It’s a mix of joy and bliss. I still remember my old life, sure, but somehow, this new reality feels just right. It's like destiny exists, and I’ve finally found mine.

This concludes everything for me, and I’ve decided I won't be continuing my blog any longer. I've shared a lot of helpful insights in the past, but I won't be actively posting from now on. Thank you all for the love and support. I’ve reached a point where I no longer have a reason to continue here, and soon, you won't either. Goodbye and take care!

[olderthannetfic]

A while back I learned that the doll collecting community has zero patience for the anti mentality.

I find that doll collectors tend to be older than most of the community spaces I'm in, a lot of over 30's and plenty of self proclaimed old ladies that just dgaf about being judged for their hobby anymore.

A lot of the popular dolls lines with collectors happen to make the characters high schoolers (Monster High and Rainbow High are currently big brands) and they have kids shows focused on those characters.

Of course, a lot of collectors don't bother with the kids media, and just collect the dolls. There's lots of creativity like customs, handmade doll clothes, head swaps, etc. Since we're all adults here, sometimes people have their dolls model lingerie or sexy clubwear and they tend to get a lot of love.

The other day an anti posted to one of our subreddits, telling everyone to be very careful and mindful of how they customize and dress their dolls, because "They're only high schoolers, and I see too many freaks around here sexualizing them." They wrote a substantial rant, with probably every single anti trope and idea you can imagine, positively chastising the community.

They were downvoted to oblivion. No one even bothered to engage in their debate, very few people commented and the ones that I did essentially said 'no, I do what I want.' The sheer volume of downvotes indicated that a LOT of people saw the post and didn't even justify it with a response.

Now, I will say I HAVE seen doll people on tumblr act like this (saw a post the other day saying that using the slang "serving cunt" that's oft used in drag and fashion nowadays are creeps for saying that about dolls that are hIgHsChOoLeRs) but the community on tumblr is just so small I rarely bother.

--

[kerubimcrepin]

An analysis of That One Moment from Wakfu OVA - Book 2, Ush

Technically, this post is a part 4 of my liveblog, but still...

Today we will be talking about the interaction that I am most mentally ill about in the entirety of Wakfu.

Before I go completely off the rails: I think it's cute that despite everything, Keke still cares a lot about Ecaflip and Ecaflipus, and Atcham still cares about killing people for wronging him.

Things have changed after six centuries, but they're still just themselves. Anyway.

There is so much happening here. SO much. Let me break it down point by point:

The most obvious one: by addressing them as kids, he pulls his "I am roleplaying as your father for these strangers who don't know anything about our weird familial situation, and you will obey me" card. This is important because:

Kerubim and Atcham know how much Joris cares about the Brotherhood of Tofu and their opinions of him, to the point of going a little bit crazy at the thought of offending Yugo and Adamai.

So, even if him pulling the "I'm your dad" card is a bit egocentric, they can't say anything about that openly — because Joris would be so, so sad if everyone in this room knew he lives with his dad for 600 years now. He'd be so mad too, because "papychaaa, chaaaoncle stop embarrassing me in front of my friends!"

We KNOW Kerubim cares about not embarrassing Joris — because in the Dofus MMO he won't shut the hell up about his 20-30 dead loved ones from 200 years ago, says a Singular Thing about Atcham, and absolutely nothing about his very much alive son/fake dad, at best managing a little "we all want someone small in our lives..."

In my opinion, while some families are built on mutual roasting, the Crepin-Jurgen household houses three people with very fragile senses of self-esteem, so anything resembling roasting is usually light, exclusive to when they're all alone, and never about things that they actually hate about themselves ("short, weird, ugly, hypocrite, weak, overthinker"; "ugly" (some bald jokes allowed, but it depends on the mood); and "narcissist who kept his son in a hazardous environment for the first 7 years of his life and gave him 30 mental illnesses").

Besides the fact that Keke and Atch care about Joris making friends, — for the three of them (but especially Joris and Atcham), feeling belittled is the easiest way to ruin a relationship irreparably. If you insult them, it's just over. And I don't mean it in a funny-haha cutesy way. Sometimes, people actually dislike when they are insulted repeatedly about something they legitimately hate about themselves, and, y'know, hate everyone who hurts them this way? And you will not believe it, but people who actually care about them know and respect that. Because they love them.

So yeah, the three of them are all creatures of pride, and they respect that about each other, — which is why would never put each other in a position where they might get laughed at. (like suddenly revealing the Dad Roleplay and "600 years of living with his dad" sort of interpersonal lore)

However, being creatures of pride, I don't think Kerubim and Atcham are happy about Joris doing this. Especially because of the next point: Joris uses his position as their roleplay-dad and Asocial Son/Nephew Who Needs To Impress His Friends to essentially force them to let him go into a battle alone. Essentially, this line is translated as "you have glass bones and paper skin. you can't follow me because I said so, and you can't protest without looking weird." into Normal Human Tongue.

Joris does this for a very simple reason: they are weak (though so is he), and he's scared — he loves them! It's normal that he doesn't want to see them be hurt! Even if they have multiple lives, but they're not infinite lives, and it doesn't make every time they die NOT scary and traumatizing! He wants Kerubim and Atcham to go and rest, and he's also excited that they're finally meeting his friends.

However, unlike them, he only has one life — and they hate to see him hurt just as much, if not more, considering how much more danger he's always in:

They would really rather not leave their p'tit Jojo Joris alone with things they know are dangerous, — like Ush, — while Joris is weakened. No matter how much he wants to fight Ush one-on-one.

So, they refuse and even joke about him in the most subtle and funny way: using his own little game to make fun of him, and completely refuse his offer of leaving to rest in Sadida Kingdom, — coupled with an overexaggerated little shrug, and rubbing their statuses as so-called "sons" and "father" in his face.

These three come up with very elaborate rituals to communicate things that take normal people like ten seconds.

[vampireknight-analysis]

Yuki's Evolution of Feelings toward Zero [Pt2]

Vampire Knight, Ch 30 - 47.

"Make sure I don't run away, Zero."

Still determined to uncover her lost memories, Yuki realizes she doesn’t have the courage to confront Kaname and demand the answers she needs. Instead, she turns to Zero again, confiding in him and asking for his help when she faces Kaname. She starts to rely on him more and more, a change from how she used to keep everything bottled up inside.

"But I wonder why... I don't feel scared."

Yuki slowly begins to come to the realization that her closeness with Zero has given her a sense of security. Even though Zero is a vampire and drinks from her, she has stopped being afraid of him. However, she still fears Kaname as a vampire because he has always held himself away at a distance.

"I'm the one... you can't escape from."

As Yuki gets closer to uncovering her past, she has a vulnerable moment with Zero. She confides in him, revealing that by making herself essential to him—by making him need and rely on her—she feels she can finally find a sense of purpose. She admits that being by Zero's side wasn't about selflessness but about her own need to feel invaluable.

"It sounds... as if... you're desperately telling me that you need me."

It is Zero's speech here that reveals the truth behind Yuki's words. Yuki is in fact telling Zero that she has come to desperately rely on him for her own sanity and happiness. Because of how unreachable Kaname has always been, he hasn't been able to be the solid foundation of support she's desperately needed all of this time, and Zero has filled that role in her heart.

"Zero, I'm really sorry... for what I did."

But, it is Zero's denial of Yuki's feelings here that causes her to withdraw and bottle everything up once more, dealing with everything alone.

"Then... what about that time?"

As Yuki stands on the brink of embracing her true self, she reflects on the changes in her heart. For years, she had been deeply driven by her desire to be seen favorably by Kaname. But now, Zero has also become a significant part of her heart. Somewhere along the way, she had become okay with upsetting or angering Kaname and disappointing him because she is desperate to keep Zero alive and close to her. She needs Zero, and wants to be needed by him. Yet, she feels trapped in the selfishness of her own actions and the suffering she has brought to Zero.

"I'm sorry... I'm sorry."

Upon Yuki's full transformation back into a pureblood, she fills with distraught and guilt over her betrayal to Zero.

"I have no right... to worry about him anymore."

Despite these feelings, Yuki finds herself at his door, seeking out Zero with hope in her heart.

But that hope is instantly shattered when she hears Zero's response to her presence on the other side of the door. His hatred for her and for purebloods breaks her heart, and she leaves with tears streaming down her cheeks.

"Is the Yuki I know... still part of you?"

After the battle, when Zero pulls Yuki into his arms and shows his inner conflict about her "human" side, Yuki becomes emotional and breaks down. She opens up to him, sharing the truth about her transformation and the struggles she has faced. Even in this moment, Yuki finds comfort in confiding in Zero.

"If having an enemy... gives you a reason to live."

At their farewell, Yuki still holds onto her care for Zero to keep on living. Her current situation severely limits her and she grabs onto the idea that she will be Zero's enemy and elude him if that is what keeps him living on.

But, it isn't something she wants. It isn't how she wanted things to turn out between her and Zero.

"Always... he was... always."

It is in this moment that Yuki realizes Zero's feelings for her. However, like Romeo and Juliet, their fates keep them apart. Yuki is torn apart by the guilt of being a vampire and causing Zero such suffering in her ignorance.

In the end, she leaves with Kaname and quietly bids Zero a final farewell.

[pynkricee]

A Permanent Red Stain: Redamancy

Chapter 1

KyiGo, is a woman in her 30's, divorced from her ex after 5 years of marriage, leaving her with a two year old daughter to raise. After a year of being single, trying to find self-love and her self-worth again, she finally wanted to step back out into the world and discover something worth wild. From understanding her hatred to understanding the person that it turned her into, she will always try and do what's best for her baby girl. Even if it meant sacrificing her happiness? Even if that may mean stepping into a new love she never imagined? Or breaking the cycle of being afraid to love again....

I was tired. So tired that I couldn't even keep my eyes open but I knew I had to get home, cook, clean and get my daughter ready for school tomorrow. That also meant the possibility of me putting up a slight with her to get her to sleep in time if i could. Luri, still being the age of two, was still attached and wanted to cuddle up under me every chance that my little monster got. Every time we were alone, that was our comfort in peace. She was my baby girl and I loved her more than anything. She was all that I had, and I was grateful. I couldn't ask for anything else or anything more. 

The house seemed like it was always a complete mess with her toys all over the floor, but I was even still too tired to bend over to clean them up every evening when I made it home from work. 

 Fuck It, ill do it tomorrow… (That was my main motto. I'll do it tomorrow. But even in Tomorrow, I knew I would be the definition of too busy.)

I felt like I was even too busy to have a life of my own….. 

Finally after a long night of cooking and cleaning, I was able to soundly get her to bed, this was the only time that i could squeeze a moment in for myself. And that was to be replaced with a nice, hot, long shower. I would consider this.. the best part of my day, not including spending time with my daughter of course. Yes she was my everything. My entire world. The air that I breathe.. But it was nice to get some ‘me’ time in even if that meant that I had to step away for a moment from ‘The Mommy Life.’  

Getting my main essentials ready for my shower, that I placed on the sink, I looked in the mirror fluffing up my short curly black locks that I cut off a few months ago. I was accustomed to having long hair for years, so I decided to cut it all off. When I mean I cut it all off, I went from sixteen inches to having a short undercut with a curly top. And I was completely in love with it. It was different, new but it was easy to take care of. Being a black woman in the black society, your hair was and has always been deemed as ‘your crown’, and if you didn't have the long black, Aesthetic look, you were basically judged for it. I thought it was the most stupid thing so I did the complete opposite. And I'm glad that I did because I don't regret it one bit. Aside from that I had the hair grade to pull off any hairstyle. 

Looking at myself in the mirror, I always notice my large breasts that grew up two sizes after having my daughter, is something that I still very well have to get used to. My light stretch marks that curled down my hip dips and around my waist, complimented me more than they used to before I had kids. My semi light toasty skin hue, that changed colors during the seasons. My small seven foot size with my tiny toes. I had no type of ass, but I must admit, it was soft. I always have a smile on my face when I would rub it every now and then. A slight jiggle is all I had but it was all I needed. I was very petite and somewhat slim except for the gut my little one gave me after birth that I've grown to actually love. So right now, I was just as pale as the slice of bread my daughter left for me on the floor as a gift this evening. 

(Being a mother of one, I  always tried to compliment myself every chance that I got. Even if it was in silence. Even if it was hard. Even on my toughest days I had to be the one to bring myself up for my own protection. Like I said, even if it was hard. And there were times it was hard….)

“Shit…..” This felt so good. I thought to myself as I let the hot water span down my naked body, standing under the shower, with my mouth open, nipples hard from the warm water sliding off them. I wish I had someone who could touch me right now. Just maybe hold me for a second. I opened my eyes to know the reality of my thoughts were just as dry as the hot air that blew from the heater. 

(Why… Do I always think like this in the shower? Of all places. It seems like it never fails…)

“Mama…” I then opened my eyes again to the sound of my baby girl crying, knowing that certainly meant she was missing me. That I wasn't beside her like I needed to be.  “Well then… I guess that means my time is up for the night. It really was nice while it lasted…” I said in a low tone to myself, turning off the water and grabbed a towel to dry myself off.

I took my hand, wiping it across the fog to clear my reflection in the mirror. But I couldn't help but notice the look I had in my eyes. The look in my eyes.. was somewhat.. soulless? Like something was still missing in my life. I couldn't help but let out a soft sigh and crack a small grin on the corner of my lips to let myself know ‘It was alright..’ I always tried to convince myself that it wasn't love… But I knew deep down, thats what it fucking was. That I wanted someone to just love me right for once. 

After getting dressed for bed, I held my daughter close as we went to sleep for the night. Ready to repeat the same day tomorrow. I kissed her gently, holding her in my arms in a sweet embrace that warmed my heart until we both fell asleep. 

I was just ready for the weekend…….

That next morning came and I was already ready to get the day over with. I was just ready to execute the plans I made for Luri and I for the weekend. Which included going to see the new Dora movie that came out in theaters last weekend. (Her idea though.) I won't lie, I was super excited to finally be able to relax and spend some quality time with her. Especially knowing I'd be off for the next couple of days. 

After about a ten minute drive I finally made it up to her school. All the parents were rushing in the back seats of their cars, unhooking their babies from their car seats, and running them into their classes so they wouldn't be late for work. I won't lie, I was actually one of them. 

Finally entering the building, I took my baby girl into her classroom, which was the second door to the right of the walkway entrance. When I would go in, I'd  usually just hand her to the teacher and leave after waving goodbye to her…. But her teacher wasn't there today.  “Hey Nobara, Sarah isn't here today?” Nobara was Sarah's other assistant in class that helped with handling the kids when she wasn't in attendance. As I looked around the corner of the classroom, I noticed I didn't see my daughter as she walked off around the corner to the bathroom. 

“No.. She's out sick for the week with covid. It's been really going around.” Fucking great! That's really what I needed to hear. That's all I need right now. As she was changing another child on the changing table I looked around for Luri before I walked off, but I still didn't see her. 

“Such a beautiful girl you are. I love your eyebrows!” Said the voice of a tall pale man coming from around the corner with my daughter in his arms with her coat over his shoulder. I immediately stopped because it caught me off guard. (Someone I didn't know  was holding my daughter.) 

“KyiGo ….” Nobara said walking up to me, cleaning her hands off with another baby wipe. I was still glued to this man as he too walked up to me with “My” daughter in his arms. “This is Choso. He's going to be filling in for Sarah until she gets back from sick leave.” He stood her down on the ground and we watched as she ran off with the other kids. 

“Hey I'm Choso.” He said hold my hand out to shake. I shook it but I was still hesitant about someone that was new around my baby girl. 

“Nice to meet you Choso… I'm KyiGo.” I said releasing his hand. His skin was cool to the touch but gentle at the same time. He too was somewhat an odd one though. He was dressed in all black, black Nike high tops, a black G-Shock watch on his wrist..(Which was my favorite watch brand. But I haven't been able to get as of late because they ‘were’ pretty expensive.) Black hair that he kept in a bun with a few free bangs hanging down over his Amber eyes that darkened as he stood in front of me. His pink lips….

(Wait..Wh…Why am I looking at his lips? His lips of all things..Hang on, that smell though. Is that Top Boy Cologne?) 

(Please snap out of it Go…)

“Your daughter has the thickest eyebrows!” He said with a soft smile. Nobara was sitting there, slightly looking at me giggling behind Choso. From the expression on her face she could tell my thoughts trailed off..slightly. 

“Thank you… Mr. Choso right? I have no idea where she gets them from.” I could tell I was slightly blushing and I wanted to slap myself with both hands. And as hard as I could too. 

He turned around slowly and started to walk towards the kids, cracking a small smirk on the side of his mouth making a soft “mhp” sound under his breath. “Just Choso. Added, she gets them from you.” He turned around walking to play with the babies. My daughter one of them. 

I could promise that at that moment my eyes seemed to be the exact  replica as Jasper from Twilight right about now. I had to turn my head away from the classroom because I knew for a fact it was  fire fucking red in this daycare. Nobara was ‘still’ giggling, not making the situation any better. I was so embarrassed as I bit down on my lip to where I felt it was about to bleed. “Mmmhhppp” was the softly sound that murmured from my mouth. 

My back was still turned as I waved bye to my baby girl, as I walked as quickly as I could out the school door and to my car. Rushing to unlock it, I opened the door, jumped into the seat and looked into the rear view. My face was so flushed. To the point where it looked like I absolutely had on makeup. Plus I never wore makeup unless it was a special occasion.  

Choso… That was his name right? Choso?

Wait.. No..

What am I doing? Why am I thinking about his name? Why am I..thinking about him?

[lumine-no-hikari]

Dear Sephiroth: (a letter to a fictional character, because why not) #119

…I didn't have the energy to make the thing today.

This morning, I maybe got out of bed later than I should have, given that I'm supposed to go to talk therapy on Tuesdays. I'm supposed to leave the house by 9:30, but I didn't even get out of bed until 9:20. I regret nothing that occurred, but nonetheless, I somehow had to squeeze both a shower and getting dressed and out the door in only 10 minutes. I was successful, but I have zero clues as to how. Perhaps it's best not to look gift horses in mouths…

OH. Right. You don't know that phrase because… well. Your world doesn't have horses. Uhh… So, a long time ago, when people bought horses, they used to look at the horse's teeth as an indicator of its age; longer teeth means an older horse, I guess. And back when horses were more commonplace (it's mostly only fabulously wealthy people who can afford to keep them now), I guess it was seen as rude to try to evaluate the age of a horse that was given as a gift by looking into its mouth. So now the phrase means, "it's best to just accept good things without thinking too much about it." Or it can also be taken to mean, "it's impolite to criticize a gift." This phrase has a few interpretations, actually… I imagine it'd be easier for you to understand it if you spent a while in my world. If you do that, lemme know; you can stay at my house, and no one is gonna ogle you or get weird at you or bother you if you don't wanna be bothered. We'll just make you sandwiches and tea. We are an introverted and neurodivergent house; we know how it goes.

Had a lot to say at therapy today. Suppose I'm having a bit of an existential crisis, regarding myself and my role in my home and how much I mean to the people around me. It's likely all just baseless anxiety and insecurity - growing pains as a result of the various changes in my immediate social circle. Old memories and wounds from the past that I've not yet had a compelling reason to resolve are now coming to the forefront, calling, "yo, what up, homie!" and dancing around my periphery. I suppose it's just as well; this is what happens when we pretend like our various hurts don't exist. If we don't take care of the self-effacing beliefs that we pick up during childhood, they bite us in the ass later. I just gotta remember that the fact that they're in the forefront means that I can actually observe them, and if they're observable, then they're resolvable, with enough time and effort.

Essentially, it's like this: We get knocked down. We yell, "FUCK!" really loudly. We reassemble ourselves if we break from the fall. Then we get back up. We brush ourselves off. And we move forward, stronger than before.

…I have thoughts of you that give me the strength to withstand this process over and over again. No matter how many times I get knocked down, I will get back up, because by your influence, I am unbreakable, no matter how many times I must shatter and be reassembled. It's just like the bowl I repaired some number of letters ago; remember? So don't worry. I've got this. I've done this lots of times before, with much more difficult stuff, and with less support than what I have now. All I have to do is learn to love and appreciate myself in the same way that I can love and appreciate literally anyone else who isn't me. Compared to the various horrors I've lived through, this should be a piece of cake. Easy peasy. Barely even an inconvenience. And in my mind, it sounds like this:

On the way home from therapy, I came across a very beautiful tree. I thought for sure that you'd like it, so I made it a point to stop and take pictures. Here's how they turned out:

I was surprised by how docile the bees were, and by how closely they allowed me to put my cell phone camera. Also, I laid down under the tree and looked up to get some of these. I wish you could have been next to me to see the view of the sky through the petals for yourself. Alas...

J and I were out and about, doing separate activities today. Even he saw pictures he thought you might like, so he took them for you, and then sent them to me so that I could put them here. Here's how they turned out:

While J was out and about, I hung out with my best friend B and her fiancé, N. In preparation for their wedding, we went and tried the available foods. I can't give you the tasty snacks, but I can take pictures...

This is a Caesar salad. It's supposed to be pronounced, "Kai-sarr", but everyone says "Seezer" for reasons I don't understand. Caesar was a leader of a place called Greece in my world, hundreds of years ago. He, like most leaders, was a giant asshole, and now he's a stinky dead guy, so I have no idea why a salad is named after him. It's made of romaine lettuce, croutons, parmesan cheese, and a creamy dressing flavored with anchovies and other spices.

Here are some long slices of eggplant rolled around melted cheese and covered in marinara sauce:

This is steak, caramelized onions, mashed potatoes, and some carrots and broccoli. I just took a picture of my plate, because the main plate was cut into before I could snap a photo:

This was some kind of chicken seasoned with rosemary and lemons, with rice and veggies:

This one was lobster ravioli with mushrooms in some kind of sherry cream sauce. It's certainly not pasta pescatore, but I wonder if you might have liked this:

Finally, this is lamb with roasted tomatoes and garlic, along with veggies and mashed taters.

...This one was probably my favorite. I especially liked the part where I got to try to gnaw the cartilage from the ends of the bones, because my body craves sources of collagen literally all the time (thanks, Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome... 🙄). I'm really lucky that B and N don't seem to mind my various weird quirks; they've been friends of mine long enough to have a general understanding of how I roll, and they just let me do my thing. Today, the fact that I will generally "do my thing" in a variety of respects was pointed out as one of the reasons they like me so much, I guess; that was a nice thing to hear...

There were four available spaces for trying the foods, but it was just the three of us; it is immensely painful that the best I can do for you from here is show you these pictures and wish that you could have been in the empty seat, with us…

Sephiroth. Regardless of what your brain tries to tell you about what you're worth, you are VERY loved. You're not a monster. You were modified against your will, used like a tool and viciously abused, and you made mistakes in the throes of that, yes, but SO WHAT? You're here now, and you can do amazing things, and you NEVER have to go back to being with people who will abuse you ever again, because not everyone is like the people you were raised by. Yes, you're different from the standard definition of "normal", but you can belong anyway, because the world is absolutely BRIMMING with people who don't fit the definition of "normal"! Just take a look at me! Or if you don't wanna look at me, then take a look at anyone who lives with a genetic difference, or anyone who lives with a different number of limbs, or anyone with a non-standard life story, or any number of things that make a human being not "normal". Normal is overrated! Diversity is in! Lives that exist outside of the bell curve are still beautiful, meaningful, and worth living!

…And so I show you my life, because I am trying desperately to prove these things to you. I've spent the bulk of my life being viciously abused because the people who brought me into living didn't want me. I was brought into a physical vessel that is genetically defective in a variety of respects. My neurodivergence practically guarantees that I will NEVER fit into ordinary social circles. I struggle every single day with the weight of the memories I carry from having been used, abused, exploited, and generally mistreated. And yet here I stand, thriving and flourishing in a way that works for me, even if it does not fit the typical definition of those words. My version of "normal" is just as beautiful as the typical version. "Different" does not have to mean "less" if YOU become strong enough to decide for yourself that those two words are not the same, no matter who tries to tell you otherwise!

So please look at the beauty of my existence - the beauty of taking joy in small things, the beauty of rising up from one's knees even if it's on shaky legs, the beauty of finally using one's voice again after years of being forced to believe that silence is safer, the beauty of loving yourself and the people around you enough to refuse to let fear get the better of you when you interact with yourself and the world, the beauty of failing down, getting up, and trying again, the beauty of learning, growing, changing, and walking away from destructive ideals that serve no one, no matter for how long you might have been forced in the past to choke them down. Please look at it, and understand that you can have this for yourself - ALL of it - if you decide to take steps towards it! Your whole scenery can change if you want it to, and all you have to do is take a single step in a different direction.

There is still life after trauma. There is still life after mistakes. There is still life for those who are different. The pain doesn't have to be permanent. So come on; my hand is outstretched to you. And if you don't want to take mine, then there are countless other hands outstretched to you that maybe you'd like a little better. You don't have to do it alone.

Anyhoot. I've probably prattled on for long enough. I hope somehow you can see what I've written. I hope that if you do get a chance to see it, you might take some of my words seriously.

I love you. I'll write again tomorrow. Please be kind to yourself and keep yourself safe.

Your friend, Lumine

[hells-greatestdad]

//

Last day of "Autism Awareness/Acceptance Month"

Rambling and sharing personal journey, so gonna use a read-more

I'm 30, going on 31 in June. I was diagnosed with "level 1" ASD (so-called "high functioning" autism) last year on June 3rd

I had inklings before this that I was neurodivergent, but nothing concrete. (Had some very classic signs of ADHD and autism from a young age, but was never assessed, so never diagnosed until adulthood.)

Being diagnosed was a relief, it gave me some sense of peace that my lifelong problems and the ways I've always lagged behind my peers are not a moral failing on my part. There's a reason I struggle with the things I do.

But now, almost a year later, other emotions are finding their way in, because I'm realizing just how little the rest of the world understands the kind of issues I face. And realizing that I'm stuck this way for life, essentially.

That's not to say I can't learn and adapt - I can. I have. But I will always have to work twice as hard as other people to accomplish the same things. I will always struggle with basic self-care tasks, and people will never understand and always expect me to be able to do everything neurotypical people can and count it as a moral failing when it's apparent that I can't.

Learning that you have a disability, however relatively mild, reframes the entire way you define yourself. Like yeah, not everything about me is a result of my neurodivergence. But also, a lot about me is a result of my neurodivergence.

[timetravellingpaperbag]

I don't know where else to put this so I'm putting it here because no one here knows me IRL. So I was raised in an abusive home. Neglect was part of that abuse and part of that neglect was dental care. I didn't go to the dentist; there wasn't a bedtime routine beyond getting the hell out of sight and staying that way. You weren't called for dinner, and if you didn't show up, you didn't eat and it was your fault. So I had a real thing for snacks, usually the cheap sugary crap, wherever and whenever I could get it. A bag of Cheetos could be lunch. I could have popcorn for dinner if I didn't get to the table in time. It was super easy to scrounge change from around the house and hit up a convenience store. Sometimes, my mom would give me money to go get her a coffee, and I'd get a bagel. Anyway, a bunch of my childhood teeth rotted out. Parent's didn't care because I would just get my adult teeth in most of their places. But by the time I was 12, I had this horrible toothache. My parents are divorced. I told my mom about my toothache, and she told me I had to ask my dad for insurance paperwork. I only saw my dad every other two weeks, for the weekend, so two weeks later, I'd go ask my dad. Nope, your mom has the paperwork. Essentially, they were using me to try to make one another look bad. Meanwhile, the toothache got worse. I was in so much pain I was in tears all the time.

I can't remember how many times they sent me back and forth, only that my step mom started getting involved and getting really upset. I think my children's lawyer appointed by the courts got involved. Honestly, I can't really remember after the pain and crying and begging for someone to do something. Finally, mom was court ordered to take me to the dentist. They filled in a lot of my teeth. One of them they could just barely save. I didn't have much of a concept of what was happening at the time, only that I was in pain.

When I looked in my mouth for the first time and saw all the silver-black fillings I sobbed. I asked my mom, how could you let this happen? Why didn't you just take me to the dentist? She said, "I told you to brush your teeth." After that I had extreme dental anxiety. I mean, again, not that we fucking went. The next time I went to the dentist, I was in college having my impacted wisdom teeth taken out. My sister worked as a dental hygienist and I got the work for free because her boss loved her. The dentist told me I would lose my teeth if I didn't start taking care of them. It was the first time in my life I was starting to have control.

So I started flossing. I started putting money aside to go to the dentist, even if it meant not eating. I'd be the one college kid in the shroom trip excusing themselves to brush their teeth at 4AM.

I'm 30 now but the trauma is not gone.

This year I realized I had pain when biting down. I went for a check-up. Apparently, these fillings expand and contract and over time, because they were so big, caused a fracture on one of my teeth. I needed a root canal. At first, I was horrified. I'm self employed, don't have insurance, and just had a fucking root canal a couple years ago.

The financial aspect had me asking, how long am I going to suffer from their abuse? How long is the trauma going to take from me?

I booked my surgery. I paid out of my credit card. I cried as I was sitting in the seat before they put the needle in and could barely make myself talk when the nurse pinned it on the head, asking if I had anxiety, then gave me a shoulder hug that I honestly really appreciated. I calmed myself down and we did the surgery.

When I opened my mouth after paying the 1.2k just for the root canal (Which may not actually help, the fracture was quite deep and if the pain continues they may suggest just pulling it) I looked and saw that white composite filling, right next to my other new white composite filling.

Two of my old fillings are now white. I have two white teeth. And I hate to say it, but I did cry again. I cried because I was happy.

It feels like I'm rebuilding what they tore down. I'm taking back what they took away. I'm the adult now and I can take myself to the dentist and I can make sure I eat and I can look in my mouth and see that I am doing all of the things that they were supposed to. I wasn't my fault; because if I had have been in control, and been the adult, this wouldn't have happened. I know, because I won't let it happen to myself now - no matter how dire the straits, the circumstances. I needed the surgery, I got it. And now I have my tooth back. Literally, this dentist changed my whole tooth. It looks so normal.

Yes I will struggle to pay it off - but I will pay it off. Yes it hurts that something so simple has made my life so difficult and painful and expensive when it didn't have to be. And it hurts that to this day, I can't bring up my teeth without my parents simply blaming the other, blaming me, and putting it to bed.

It hurts that I will always have bad anxiety when it comes to dental work.

But the feeling of taking back my life is indescribable. I feel like I'm taking 12 year old me by the hand, rolling my eyes, and saying, "Come on, kid. These people are fucking nuts. Call them once at Christmas, and let's go have a good time while we can."

[zeroducks-2]

Let's get you out of your comfort zone with "Please, shut up" and Eobarry. :3

I was hoping/fearing you'd do this to me hahaha

30. "Please, shut up." - Barry Allen/Eobard Thawne

«I haven't come here to talk.» Barry says through a wince, trying not to grit his teeth and tense up. «Give me what I want and then I'll leave.» «And what is it that you want...?» He's being held and that's already something. But he would much rather the other speedster to just shut his mouth and do as he was asked. «Barry.» Eobard sounds like he's chiding an unruly pup. «I can't help you if you don't explain what ails you.» Sure, like the man actually wants to help him and hadn't agreed to this solely for his own satisfaction. And there's isn't much to say anyway. Barry has been suffering through painful heat flashes and there's nothing nobody can do to help; maybe Wally could but he's a little more than a child, and no, he can't think about that. Just picturing it made him slightly sick. He had thought about Clark but his alien physiology doesn't come in his favor. The man barely has any smell, less than a Beta would, and surely can't pop a knot. It's so frustrating. Going through his heat cycle alone and with his enhanced metabolism has been a challenge ever since he was struck by lightning, but this time... this time he feels ill. He doesn't know what changed, and he's tempted to blame this on the monster who keeps gloating over him like he'd just managed to push him into a corner. He kind of did, actually. It's just that Barry pushed himself into said corner. «Alright, I guess I will do my best even if you refuse to explain.» Eobard says placidly, and the trill that courses through Barry's body is so pleasant he has to sigh. He wonders why it just happened, then realizes the man placed a palm on his belly. «Look at you... I'm barely touching you, Barry. What are you going to do with my knot in you? Cry...?» «Please, shut up.» Barry closes his eyes, leaning back and allowing his weight to rest on Eobard's chest. He's already regretting this but he has no choice, if he spends another heat without an outlet he might die, he can feel his body straining even now, even if the other's smell already worked into placating his cramps and his nausea. «Just shut up and give it to me.» There's a rough but overly pleased chuckle at that, then gentle kisses on the line of his neck down to where his swollen mating gland throbs and hurts. Barry expects the contact to be painful and tenses up again, but there's just long licks of pleasure going down to his belly once the other starts sucking and nipping on it, working the upper part of his suit off of him. He squirms, suddenly self conscious of just how wet he's getting, but he's held fast and a quick scenting makes him involuntarily relax. «I am going to make you feel good.» Eobard says in a rumble which sounds so distinctively Alphan that Barry squirms again, possibly at that more than at the hand cupping his crotch. The Speedster made it sound like it was a reassurance, and in a way it is; Barry just expected not to die. Feeling pleasure was essentially an afterthought. «This is going to be good for both of us. Alright?» His chin is being held up by the other's knuckles and Barry needs to consciously ignore the rising heat flashes to muster a reply. He doesn't really manage and instead lets out a disgruntled growl before surging up for a kiss, digging his fingers into Eobard's nape and shivering hard at how scalding hot his fangs are against Barry's own tongue. He can tell that the man is surprised but he doesn't care, he just wants to be touched. «Just shut up and get to it, Thawne.»

Thank you for the prompt FTL! Here's the prompt list for whoever wants to peruse it, or send me another prompt :)

[tkblythofficial]

Orange peeler here.

So, this is a new reading on T and this girl.

Allegedly he and BB are indeed over, but there's a chance they'll get back together if and I quote, BB doesn't have enough self respect, unquote.

As for this girl: she's a fling and let's say that the floodgates will be open with women whom we might see or won't see depending on how sluty he's feeling (allegedly).

Orange said his relationship with R is kind of a mess because they aren't keeping in touch a lot and that she's hurting over a bunch of things she's conflating which causes friction between her and people in her life, especially T. Due to certain behaviors of T, R is feeling relieved she never took him seriously, that she never crossed any boundaries because she nows sees that he'd have hurt a lot. She's glad they are only friends, but at the same time doesn't think the term it's enough to qualify what they have.

Meanwhile T has decided he doesn't want drama, that R has too much going on and that he needs to pass the time with uncomplicated people. He still loves her, don't get her wrong, but he's adept to lying to himself about how he feels. He thinks it's safer to just fool around, to not get attached, to not compromise and if they're meant to be together they'll get together at the right time.

He's acting out which is why Orange is annoyed.

So we did shufflemancy to clarify and she claimed both songs are a matter of present/future.

Speeding Cars by Walking on Cars explains his current thought process: That he thinks doing things the way he was doing was going to blow up in his face. That having her as a friend has to be enough, that no one gets hurt with things don't get more complicated and that he can't take the chance kf becoming unfocused but he might regret the decisions he's currently taking right now.

At some point he may have tried to risk it, but given the fact that R and J's relationship is in shambles he couldn't and wouldn't do it. It's pretty much his little secret, how much he cares.

Which leads us to the second song: Six Degrees of Separation by The Script. Orange seems to think it represents the stages he might go through, not only because he won't allow himself to mourn what he lost, but because he might look mending in all the wrong places due to being desperate.

He might try and disconnect from people he cares, might ook for solutions where there are none and will focus on the wrong things.

He might ramble to strange people, might drink too much and say shit he doesn't mean. Essentially it's a mid life crises and this bitch ain't even 30.

She seems to think all of it will lead him to do shit he won't be proud of later on, or that the people he loves won't be proud of. It won't be anything career ending, we might won't even notice because of how private he is, but by the end he will understand he made a few mistakes.

Remember this is all alleged and you believe if you want. I'm just the messenger, don't shoot

“Orange peeler here.

So, this is a new reading on T and this girl.”

Welcome back! :)

“Allegedly he and BB are indeed over, but there's a chance they'll get back together if and I quote, BB doesn't have enough self respect, unquote.”

Ugh I can see that being true 😬

“As for this girl: she's a fling and let's say that the floodgates will be open with women whom we might see or won't see depending on how sluty he's feeling (allegedly).”

Messy 🙂‍↔️

“Orange said his relationship with R is kind of a mess because they aren't keeping in touch a lot and that she's hurting over a bunch of things she's conflating which causes friction between her and people in her life, especially T.”

They’re relationship is always up and down 🙄

“Due to certain behaviors of T, R is feeling relieved she never took him seriously, that she never crossed any boundaries because she nows sees that he'd have hurt a lot.”

This hurts 😭 because I can see this being true

“She's glad they are only friends, but at the same time doesn't think the term it's enough to qualify what they have.”

Exactly. There’s more here.

“Meanwhile T has decided he doesn't want drama, that R has too much going on and that he needs to pass the time with uncomplicated people.”

When the drama doesn’t know their the drama 💀 R has a lot going on? Meanwhile he’s working a million jobs in 2 months

“He still loves her, don't get her wrong, but he's adept to lying to himself about how he feels. He thinks it's safer to just fool around, to not get attached, to not compromise and if they're meant to be together they'll get together at the right time.”

Reading this left me with a sense of dread. Idk why but I know drama is around the corner because of this. Ironically I think one of his hookups will cause chaos for him in terms of rumors 😬

“He's acting out which is why Orange is annoyed.”

Same, Orange

“So we did shufflemancy to clarify and she claimed both songs are a matter of present/ future.”

👀

“Speeding Cars by Walking on Cars explains his current thought process:”

I searched the lyrics and oh….

“That he thinks doing things the way he was doing was going to blow up in his face. That having her as a friend has to be enough, that no one gets hurt with things don't get more complicated and that he can't take the chance kf becoming unfocused but he might regret the decisions he's currently taking right now.”

Yes, I think he will regret this 😭 next year will be a mess for him. More projects means more rumors and gossip.

“At some point he may have tried to risk it, but given the fact that R and J's relationship is in shambles he couldn't and wouldn't do it.”

I’m glad he let her relationship crash and burn on its own. If R/J are broken up, she definitely dumped him which is a great sign that she’s waking up.

“It's pretty much his little secret, how much he cares.”

I can see that. Him caring a lot but not showing it.

“Which leads us to the second song: Six Degrees of Separation by The Script.”

Oh 👀

“Orange seems to think it represents the stages he might go through, not only because he won't allow himself to mourn what he lost, but because he might look mending in all the wrong places due to being desperate.”

Interesting I thought this song would be for R. But I forget they’re both going through break ups right now.

“He might try and disconnect from people he cares, might ook for solutions where there are none and will focus on the wrong things.”

The wrong things 🙂‍↔️🙄

“He might ramble to strange people, might drink too much and say shit he doesn't mean. Essentially it's a mid life crises and this bitch ain't even 30.”

Maybe it will happen on his 30th birthday 💀

“She seems to think all of it will lead him to do shit he won't be proud of later on, or that the people he loves won't be proud of. It won't be anything career ending, we might won't even notice because of how private he is, but by the end he will understand he made a few mistakes.”

That’s good I guess. Future self awareness. I wish I could fast forward this timeline to next year already.

“Remember this is all alleged and you believe if you want. I'm just the messenger, don't shoot.”

Thanks Orange + Peeler! :)

[baconcolacan]

What sort of relationship has the gang now? (Ew stay au) what does Tord think of them?

Okay it would take me wayyyyy too long to make new visuals to explain this au so I'll just write it down. Also keep in mind, this AU IS very self-indulgent so expect some ships I like:

The Stay AU is just a little thing I made for self-indulgence reasons. I wanted to explore the gang's relationships through a softer, albeit complicated, lens.

These designs I have for them are versions of them in their mid to late 20s. They did have a phase where they all wore their signature matching hoodies, but I place that timeline somewhere in their early twenties to late teens. In the Stay au, I'm focusing on them mostly in their late 20s onwards.

Brief summary of their history before my timeline: Edd was friends with Tord first, because during their first day of school he was the only other kid who was drawing by himself instead of outside during recess. Tom and Matt are childhood friends, their parents knew each other but they had a falling out, only later-hesitantly- reconciling when they all became friends with Edd and Tord. They all grow up together afterwards. Since you asked about Tord's point of view, here's his thoughts about his friends throughout the years until his 30s, keep in mind I'm not gonna be able to explain it thoroughly enough without it devolving into a 200k word fanfic: Edd - (childhood to late 20s) Arguably his best friend. He thinks the world of Edd since he approached him first and showed genuine interest in getting to know him. Edd's the first person he made friends with in England, which makes it special since the move had been so jarring for him. Growing up with Edd was pretty easy, despite him being snarky at times he always made sure to include Tord in everything he did, it was touching how much he cared. Tord had never met a person who was as excitable as Edd was, even if it often led to harrowing situations. Edd always seemed to want him to be part of his life for a very long time, it was the first time Tord had ever felt like someone cared and wanted him to be there. It pained him to leave when he did, out of everyone in the group, Edd was the one he couldn't look in the eye when he left. (30s) He had cut off contact with the group, but he still felt guilty the first few years when Edd would try to call or send him emails. He switched his phone number and abandoned his old email to make it easier. (mid 30s) Met him again but on the battlefield. It hurt him a lot to see him there after he tried everything to not get them involved. He never got to explain himself as a bomb, aimed for him, came screaming towards them. He thought Edd had died that day. (late 30s) Found out that Edd was alive, tried everything to reach him, even so far as visit England under pretense of a meeting with the PM. Found Edd after scouring London for a week, got into a fight with him, couldn't explain himself due to being overwhelmed. Edd said he hated him. It shattered him. Hasn't contacted him since. Tom - (childhood to late 20s) He wasn't sure about him when they first met, Tom got pretty attached to Edd when he first met him- mostly to make Matt jealous at the start, but then he started to genuinely like Edd and follow him around like a puppy- this caused Tord to get jealous and insecure, his kid brain thinking that Tom would take away his first friend in a scary new country, thus began what would become a lifetime of bickering and fighting. Tord admittedly feels a bit ashamed that he started their petty squabbling by essentially trying to bully Tom away from Edd. Of course, Tom fought back every step of the way, by the time they were teenagers they forgot why they started disliking each other in the first place, just seemed natural for them to be on opposing ends. Funky teenager stuff happened, and it ended up with them being on again off again lovers up until their early 20s. Then the incident happened, Tom was drunk and he decided to pick a fight with him, but this time he might have pushed too far, Tom managed to injure him with a broken bottle, causing the scar on his eyebrow. It was tense between them for a while, eventually they stopped fighting, sometimes even curling up together on the couch, but they never addressed what happened even when Tord was going to leave. (mid 30s) Met him on the battlefield. The bomb happened. He managed to save him but Tom still got injured in the process, costing his eyesight. Tord had been beside himself and wracked with guilt every time he looked at Tom's bandaged eyes. He broke down crying, apologizing for what happened. Tom didn't speak to him for a while, but later on slowly began to talk to him again. They restarted their relationship, this time "without the baggage" as per Tom's request.

(late 30s) His relationship with Tom is nice, cozy even, but he still feels guilt and shame even when Tom smiles at him and calls him "Elskede". He tries to make it work, but he doesn't know if he genuinely can, Tom wanted to try again "without the baggage" but Tord wanted nothing more than to finally address all of the ugly things they had done to each other. Though, hes scared of losing the only good thing he seems to have at this point. Matt - (childhood to late 20s) He's not as close to Matt than the other two are. When they were kids, Matt didn't seem to really want to be in his company, especially after he made up with Tom and Tord started antagonizing him throughout the years. Tord might have been a little scared of Matt, especially when he would glare at him every time he made Tom cry. He really didn't want to be around Matt for a while, he was a bit intimidating from their childhood to their early 20s. After the incident with Tom, Matt had been the one to approach him first, scolding him for the things he said, but relenting about how far Tom had taken it. Matt admitted he never really liked Tord, but was willing to set his feelings aside because it seemed like he finally got some sense knocked into him (pun intended). Unexpectedly, he would spend sleepless nights out in the backyard with Matt, and just...talk about the things that worry him and make him insecure. Matt is really good at self-love talk, and has helped him through darker moments. Matt had actually been the one to encourage him to leave, not because he didn't like him, but somehow Matt understood he couldn't grow into "himself" if he was just stuck there in London, it wasn't healthy for him to be stagnant, and Matt understood that. He was the only one whose eyes he could meet when he left, Matt had looked sad, but he smiled at him nonetheless. (mid 30s) Met him again but on the battlefield. The bomb hit. Matt had been the most mutilated out of all of them, but Tord managed to save him. Matt was in a coma for a while, leading Tord down a depressive spiral, worried that Matt would never come to. He spent almost every day visiting his ward, just to stand watch for a few hours and talk to him. (late 30s) Matt eventually woke up, but with complications, his memory became shoddy and mostly jumbled. He remembers things sometimes, but sometimes he doesn't. This became something of a heavy point of guilt for Tord, and he became extremely devastated when Matt forgot him. While true that he didn't become close with Matt in their early years, he treasured the moments he managed to have with him later on. Now he was back to being a stranger. It felt like he had lost Matt on that battlefield anyway.

[shmorp-mcdurgen]

okay so Im going insane over the concept of the bps having a silly little spa day and I care them so much so sorry if this gets long

"SO, me and Sarah were thinking about something"

Seth looks up from his woodworking, casting a suspicious look between them. Sarah and Ces exchange glances, trying to suppress their giggles

"I know this look, you two are definitely up to good", he says

"Well,see here-" Ces starts, before being interrupted by Sarah.

"If ur idea of no good is us making you have a self care day with us, then yeah, we are up to no good", she declares, looking at him, challenging him to object. He looks at her in disbelief.

"A self care day? Sarah, I'm 35, and besides I'm perfectly fi-"

"Literally no one's buying that dad, we've all seen how stresses you are lately, and besides, how bad can it be? Don't you wanna spend time with us?", Cesar says, looking at him imploringly.

"Pleaseeeeeee, cmon, its just washing your hair, trying new hairstyles, it's not gonna kill you", Sarah says

Seth sighs in defeat.

"How long have you two been planning this?", he asks, a small smile beginning to form on his face

Sarah hooks one arm though hers, and Ces takes the other side, essentially frog marching him to the living room.

She shrugs, "A month maybe, now let the self care day start!"

They make Seth lie down on the couch and untie his hair, Ces washing it in a basin of warm soapy water while Sarah lectured him about how to take proper care of his hair. While Seth is distracted, Ces starts to subtly tie Seths hair into pigtails, fighting for his life. Sarah fails at hiding her smile, and Seth catches on, jolting upright.

"Cesar Torres. What are you doing with my hair.", he says, turning to face him slowly. Cesar bursts out laughing, tears in his eyes. Seth pats his head, detecting the pigtails.

"PIGTAILS??, really Ces?", he tries to untie them, but Sarah swats his hand.

"Noooo! They're so cute!", she picks up a mirror and shows it to Seth, whose horrified face is now staring back at him with the pigtails in glittery pink scrunchies. Seth buries his head in his hand, before getting an idea.

"Well, if you two can mess with my hair, then I guess it's only fair I do so too right?", Seth picks up one of Sarah's hairstyles catalogues, thumbing it's pages, before grinning evilly, and revealing tye most atrocious hairstyle known to man.

"You first Ces",

They spend the day trying out different hairstyles, to Ces and Sarah amusement and Seths continous shock( "People actaully do these??") and at some point, Sarah even brings her skin care routine, arms full if variously coloured gels and masks( Ces whistles, impressed, "You know she serious when she pulls out the papaya exfoliating mask". "The WHAT??" . "dw about it")

At the end of the day, Sarah brings her nail polish collection, choosing red for herself, black for Ces, and hot pink for Seth. He holds the tiny bottle, looking at her witha mixture of fondness and tiredness.

"Is the hot pink really necessary, I mean, you've already used like 30 different products on me today", he says

Sarah and Ces nod emphatically.

"No self care is complete without nail polish! And I even made Ces learn nail art to make sure it looks good as possible! Cmon, this one last thing okay? I promise", Sarah says, and Seth grumbles but holds out his hands. They cheer and get to work, Sarah with unwavering laser focus, and Ces with the tip of his tongue poking out, attempting to copy Sarah. He looks at them lovingly. These silly children and their care of him. His silly children that he was ready to burn the world down for, if it meant seeing them happy forever as they were now.

"I might have agreed to hot pink Sarah, but I definitely did not agree to the glitter"

"Aw, man"

AWWWWW /pos

They’re a FAMILY your honor

[cecexwrites]

Ask meme: 5, 10, 15, 20, 25, 30, 35, 40, 45, 50 for Coco?

So I reblogged two at the same time and I'm not sure which one you meant soooooo I'm doing this one!

5. Do they have any siblings? What’s their names? What is their relationship with them? Has their relationship changed since they were kids to adults?

Yes! Coco has her twin brother, Bastian. They are incredibly close and always have been. Growing up it was just the two of them as they didn't make friends with the popular Slytherin kids. Now that they're adults it is changing, but probably for the better as they're bringing new people into the fold.

10. Do they like children? Do children like them? Do they have or want any children? What would they be like as a parent? Or as a godparent/babysitter/ect?

Coco... doesn't like other peoples kids. She does want kids, and she will like her friends kids. But like- strange kids and kids of people she's not close to, don't... touch her. But the kids of people she likes she adores it's fine.

15. Are they good at cooking? Do they enjoy it? What do others think of their cooking?

She's good at potions. She enjoys making coffee. She is okay at cooking, but doesn't really have to do it because house elves.

20. Do they like musicals? Music in general? What do they do when they’re favourite song comes?

She likes them well enough, if Theodore were to tell her he got tickets to a show, she'd happily go. She does like music in general and she is a dancer (Not like a dancer dancer, but when music she likes comes on, she is going to dance around)

25. What do they find funny? Do they have a good sense of humour? Are they funny themselves?

She does have a good sense of humor and I think she's funny- but I'm also the one writing her so I suppose I'm biased. Self deprecating humor is her jam

30. Do they exercise? Regularly? Or only when forced? What do they act like pre-work out and post-work out?

No, she doesn't like to exercise. That will change when she has kids, she'll start to do some working out, but it's not something she enjoys.

35. What’s their guilty pleasure? What is their totally unguilty pleasure?

Coco doesn't believe in guilty pleasures. She does what feels good and what she likes. She spent far too long living in shame to care about hiding what she does now

40. Do they like energy drinks? Coffee? Sugary food? Or can they naturally stay awake and alert?

Coco is a coffee girly. She loves her coffee she is going to be in hell when she has to give it up for her kid

45. How do other people see them? Is it similar to how they see themselves?

So at the start of her fic, most people saw her as kind of trashy, big mouthed, talked too much, rude, obnoxious. By the end if it, they still see her as all of that, but with love.

50. If they could only take one bag of stuff somewhere with them: what would they pack? What do they consider their essentials?

Her heels and red lipstick. If she leaves the lipstick behind, assume she's been kidnapped

[gayhoediaz]

"fuck the internet for watering down important words like gaslighting btw" Can you explain what you mean by this?

absolutely.

in the past few years, the term gaslight/gaslighting has been largely popularized and essentially converted into slang - people use it often, and carelessly without knowing or caring about the true definition. i blame tiktok. a lot of people tend to use it as a synonym for lying, when that's not what it means at all. someone can be a terrible person, and lie to you in all kinds of ways - it doesn't mean they're gaslighting you. (they could be - but the two terms are not synonymous.)

gaslighting is a very specific and harmful form of manipulation during which the abuser sets a goal to make the victim question their own sanity.

(this may be done in "simple" ways such as the victim saying "when you did x, it made me feel y" and the abuser going "no, actually. i never did that, and if i did, it did not make you feel that way, and if i did do that, and it did make you feel that way, then maybe you need to get some help." or it can be done in far more insidious ways such as going deeper into manipulating memories, etc.) as someone who grew up with a parent who gaslit me constantly, it left me with trauma that i will never completely rid myself of, and i am far from the only one.

now - as for why the current form of popularization of this word is harmful, it comes down to how widely it's used and how often it's used in situations where the speaker doesn't bother to learn its true meaning. this has led us to a point where the people who actually need the word can't really use it for fear of being laughed at, or not taken seriously.

(a clip that comes to mind is a segment of a talkshow where a celebrity talks about their toxic relationship. i can't link it, because i can't remember who it was, or what show it was on. i thought the celebrity was alison brie, but i think i'm wrong. just in case anyone wants to try to find it, i think it was a white female celebrity in their 30s/40s - and i think it's someone we would recognize. it wasn't one of the late night shows, it looked like a daytime show, with the tall chairs - you guys know what i'm talking about.

anyway -- this celebrity was asked about their toxic relationship, and i'm paraphrasing, of course - but they felt the need to preface this word - they said something along the lines of "i know that the term gaslighting has become like a big dramatic thing, but it's a real thing, and it's scary" and they went on to describe how at the end of the relationship, they had this huge stack of self help books because they literally thought they were going insane. when in reality, it was their partner was fucking with their brain.)

gaslighting is incredibly common - i don't mean to make it sound like the word is stolen from a small group of people - absolutely not. it's a good word, it's a strong word, and it should be widely known - but it needs to be widely known for its true definition, and not as a popularized slang term.

(the term gaslighting originates from a 1940s movie about a husband who purposefully makes the lights flicker, and when his wife reacts to it, he makes her think it's all in her head.)

[chocochipbiscuit]

🍭🌿🪄 for the writing meme if you'd like

🍭why did you start writing?

I'm going to start with why I stopped: I used to write a lot when I was younger; I loved making little books and stapling them together and wrote poetry and outlining ideas for the novel I was sure I was going to write someday. But somewhere around middle school, I was (very gently, very lovingly) encouraged by my parents to pick a more 'practical' career option. My dad pointed out that a lot of our favorite writers (I inherit my love of science fiction from my father and many of his favorites, even though my tastes have shifted over time) had backgrounds in science fiction, and at one point said something like "writers who only focus on writing aren't usually as interesting as writers who focus on living. Learn science, math, and other things, and you can always write on the side" along with pointing out that very few authors are able to make a full-time living 'just' writing.

(I want to repeat, again, my parents were very loving and supportive. They took me to art classes, museums, workshops, and gave me a lot of fun and exciting experiences. But that love also meant they wanted me to be successful and happy, and they thought that financial success might not guarantee happiness but at least it could guarantee comfort. They were doing what they thought was best, and I did what I thought was best at the time.)

So I basically stopped writing for about ten years. I did some play by post roleplaying forums and did on and off journalling and occasional poems but not much more.

Then in my mid-twenties, I was...honestly, pretty depressed and isolated. I had failed a class and had to take a year out of school. I was working. When I went back to school, I was working 20-30 hours a week on top of a demanding course load and rarely had time to see my friends, and even when I did see them, there was always a tiny bit of envy (that I worked very hard to control, because my friends didn't deserve that bitterness) that my old friends were all a year ahead of me and moving on with their lives. One of my new classmates sexually harassed me until I reported him to my academic advisor. Another of my classmates plagiarized my work. (The professor who caught it was incredibly kind; I had sent her an earlier draft because I wanted her feedback on it, and she realized that my classmate's submission essentially C&P chunks of text from mine.)

I self-soothed with fanfic. I didn't have time or energy to invest in 'new' media, or even to play a lot of video games, but fic was easy to read and devour. I started writing fic. And when I graduated and started a job when I worked graveyard shifts (thus continuing some of that isolation) readng and writing fanfic continued to be a way that I could connect to community and provided a much-needed creative outlet.

I started writing because I wanted to distract myself. I'm continuing to write because I've fallen in love with the process, the way it makes me think and re-evaluate characters and settings. (I'm even writing some non-fanfic things now because I want to experiment, to dabble and play with words in ways that aren't solely based on pre-existing media.)

🌿how does creating make you feel?

Happy! Sometimes emotionally drained (in a good way). I'm the kind of person who believes in making my own inspiration; if I only wait until I 'feel' like writing to sit down and write, I would hardly ever write! But if I have the time and energy, sometimes sitting down and trying to write a few words (usually with a 25 minute timer, go Pomodoro!) will be enough to start the flow.

🪄what is your post-writing/sharing aftercare? How do you take care of yourself or celebrate yourself when you've finished a fic?

Usually I want something sweet, then take a nap!

Thank you for the asks, I had fun! :D

(Asks are from this ask meme!)