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#I'm going to go to sleep & see how i feel tomorrow BUT
goldsbitch · 1 day
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Hypochondria
part 4 to p1, p2, p3
He can sense her emotions, she feels his pain. Baby steps, that's the only way to go.
author's note: guess who's back - and a promised smut chapter turned into slow burn. any reported typos are appreciated. there will be p5.
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"I'm sorry, Lando - this all just so bizarre. I'm barely taking it in. Literally don't understand how you're so calm."
He laughed gently. "Well, I did have few extra days to process. And hearing my name roll of your tongue is distracting enough," he said flirtatiously.
Her cheeks went red and her mind stopped, head getting filled with desire and lust. Lando's lips turned into a wide smile, him feeling her arousal as if she was screaming it loudly to his face.
"Glad to see my words have an effect on you. This is indeed going to be fun..."
Lando was on cloud nine. He was just staring at her as if she was a miracle. Her deep eyes unable to stay away from looking at him and lips that had a silent invitation written on them.
He was high on the way how relaxed she felt, proud that he made her feel like that. It was as if there was no yesterday or tomorrow. Just them and the couch. And after few moments of silence and collecting his bravery, Lando leaned in and kissed her.
It was clear to him from the moment he took her upper lip in that he'd give anything for this moment to take at least a thousand years. She did not hesitate and kissed him back immediately. The sweetest touch a woman can give. Leaned in and let nature do its miracles. He smiled into her lips and pushed himself closer to her, making her sink in the couch.
It was right then when a loud, impatient knock nearly sent them both into shock. Lando froze and back away from Y/N little bit, furious with whomever that dared to disturb a key moment in their lives.
"Lando, I apologize, but we have an urgent matter on our hands."
He rolled his eyes and let a deep breath out, recognizing the voice of his workoholic PR manager. This was not the first and probably the last time he had to tell his team off in the dark of the night. Internet never sleeps.
"Can it really not wait this time until tomorrow?" he said before he gave Y/N shameful and apologetic look. She just kept herself quiet, sunken into the comfy couch.
"I'm afraid we will need some immediate action," came from behind the door after another impatient knock.
Lando got his phone out to check the time, only to see 17 missed calls from several people.
"Ok, I'm coming."
He half opened the door to a very flustered PR manager, who looked like he was about to announce a coming tornado. Lando just raised his eyebrows, encouraging him to spill the beans and then planning on dismissing him.
"Anita released a break up TikTok. It's going viral."
As far as emergencies go, this one felt to Lando like a second-tier one. He was more concerned about the anxiety he felt coming from Y/N. Kind of wished she was kept out of it, for her own good.
"I'm sure we can address this in few hours," Lando replied calmly.
"She accused you of cheating. In a very colorful manner, I must say," the guy continued, as if he was not confident enough to fully explain the situation. "I'm in touch with her publicist, so that we can come up with a joint statement online. Apparently she won't talk to anyone but you."
Lando stayed silent, the only thing he really wanted was to close the door and return to the couch.
"We can't have another cheating scandal. McLaren will get involved," he pleaded once again in hopes of finally convincing Lando.
Deep breath. "Sure. Can I meet you at the lobby or somewhere in few minutes?" Lando caved in. A puzzled look flashed over his PR's manager, because usually Lando preferred to solve his crises in the comfort of his suite. The driver hoped no comment would come his way. After few seconds, the guy finally nodded.
"Understand, sure. I'll see if we can get the conference room."
He closed the door and tried to brace himself for any type of reaction Y/N might have. But deep inside he knew - seen it countless times. She abruptly got up, fixed her clothes, flashed him only one quick look before avoiding his face completely.
"Um, I'm gonna-"
"Yeah," he said, letting her pass by. The reality hit hard. She barely knew him. Somehow, the air got flooded with inescapable loneliness.
//
Y/N tried her best to follow her daily routine the following week. The memory of her running away from Lando's room like a little child chasing her like a nightmare. It was just so humiliating. The guilt, unjustified, was eating her up. She tried to stay away from social media, but her will was not strong enough. Late night scrolling included absorbing lot of Lando hate.
He also did his best to keep himself busy and focus on his job. If it had been any other person, he'd already be chasing Y/N down and try to reason with her, get this experience behind them and keep starting fresh. Perhaps he was lucky, that he knew her and if he's pushed immediately, she'd just hide even more.
He found himself on the track during free practice, constantly stealing glances over to the medical tents, just to get a glimpse of his guilt ridden soulmate. All he wanted to do was shake some sense to her. That evening he finally snapped. No more hiding. He was about to get creative.
So there he was, alone once again in a random hotel room in a city he barely remembered the name of, trying to get a hand of morse code. Something he never thought would be his issue, ever. It was a shot in the dark. Pinch a message into his arm and hoping she'd understand his intention. After all, she felt his pain, so he figured if he was annoying enough, she'd have no choice but to show up. Many curse words were uttered about the absurdity and difficulty of it all, before Lando got a hand of it. He opted to focus on the rhytmn and after he felt confident enough, abandoned tapping into a table and began pinching his left hand.
Let's talk. Room 1014. Please.
Over and over again. It was so incredibly annoying. But, he was going to persevere even if it meant having a bruise tomorrow.
After what felt like like seven thousand years - a knock on the door.
This was it, he thought as he opened the door to another annoyed person. She shot arrows from her eyes and he could not help but smirk. He won, she cracked the code.
"Now, let's get one thing clear. You are not going to use this trick outside of an emergency. Ok?" she opened with, having hard time to admit he won that round. It's been few days since they last locked eyes. She could practically sink in his. He just gave her a small nod, definitely not planning on misusing this ever again. Absolutely not.
"I'm glad you understood," he said and let her walk in. Was he nervous? That was probably the closest thing to describe it.
"I don't know the Morse code, so that made it super fun," she proclaimed and stopped in the middle of the living room, not sitting down on any of the chairs or couches.
"Me neither. But you better learn it, you never know..." he teased and walked dangerously close to her. She kept her gaze down.
She spoke before he could say any more cheeky lines. "So, I'm here. Anything specific you wanted to say that exceeded your ability of speaking in Morse code?" Her coldness hurt. However, he was not going to let her push him away so easily. "Y/N, this is not going to work on me. You can't push me away so easily, so just try and stop it. Please." Big gulp on her part followed by a light nod. "Good. Listen, I don't want to let this fizzle out so easily. It's hard to think about anything else once I've met you. I'm sorry about the whole break up mess. It's not fair to you. But, in my defense, I had no idea I'd just randomly be sat next to...you," he said, practically breathing out the last word.
She began walking frantically. "It's...um, it's a lot. Your world. And then the fact you seem to know things and are so far ahead in this game."
"It's not a game to me, Y/N," he said, watching her pace around the room.
She stopped by the bed and sat on it, finally able to look at him again. "Ok, bad word, but still," she paused and searched for the right words. "We have nothing to connect with...I mean nothing real."
Lando was not going to buy into doubts. His mind was set. Slowly, he walked towards her and sat next to her.
"Does it scare you? That you are tied to me basically against your will?" he asked the one thing he was afraid to hear the answer to. But he figured that the beginning was never suppose to be easy anyway.
"A little bit. Actually yes, it does," she said, in a strangely releaved tone and his heart sank just few stories lower. Lost in his own head, he nearly missed her giving up on sitting and landing on her back with a thud, eyes locked with the ceiling.
"I never liked being pushed into things. It's my life, I get to call the shots," she began to let her thoughts run freely.
"Choosing something that comes to you willingly does not have mean giving up your free will...I'd just like to at least give this a chance. I know already that I can't be your friend," he whispered, turned his look towards her and slowly lowered himself on his back as well, lost in his thoughts once again.
Lando's body laid still, but his heart was beating as if he was in the final quali lap. He had the advantage, drew the better card. Unique insight into another human's soul. Short cuts and few cheat answers for any test ahead of them. So why did it make him feel all the more lonely? He was reaching out, confused in the exact same capacity as she was, but she was not giving him much back. Yet. If was obvious. He was miles ahead of her, not thanks to his own doing. He could be there for her, but it would take some time and a lot of luck for her to be able to be there for her.
"Can you stay here? For the night?" he asked in a soft low voice, unable to hide his own vulnerability. "Not like, you know," he added immediately, hoping he comes off the least creepy as possible, "Just like this." Baby steps. He was praying for just that.
The body next to him also laid still in a very stiff manner, the exact opposite of relaxed. But the pull towards him was just too loud to resist. It was stronger than her. Curiosity tripped over the tiny fear inside her, grabbed the innate desire for human connection by the hand, and together opened the door for Lando to enter.
"Yes," she whispered, wondering if there is anything she wanted to add.
A small smile crept onto Lando's face. He got up and shit the light off. Both of them settled in a more relaxed pose, albeit still fully dressed. If by some miracle he manages to fall asleep, he will be waking up next to this magnificent, magical being for the first time. And hopefully not the last.
They laid next to each other, like the strangers they were, for few minutes, before she found her own little hand reaching out for his. Soft fingers mixed with his. At that moment, you could hear a pin drop. Lando's heart almost stopped, his breath caught in and resulted in gulp, too loud for the current setting. She could not help but smile and tried to hide it with pressing her lips together - even though it was dark night and both of them had their eyes closed. He mimicked her movements and traced her fingers as well. Every little place he touched burned with intoxicating intensity. He held her index finger lightly while she brushed up and down his thumb.
For the first time in years, Lando was careful. He'd rather lie next to her in silence than risking her wanting him to leave. The guilt from bruising her with his crash still hadn't left his mind. But when her hand crept more and more inside of his, he could not help but circle around it, until he was covering her hand completely. The air was still. Two scared souls discovering each other, tiptoeing around as if they were made of glass. Once Lando started drawing little circles on the palm of her hand, he finally felt her beginning to relax. He was still trying to get his mind wrapped around how the whole connection worked. Perhaps the more open she was to communicating with him, the more of a window he got. His next words slipped through without much of a thought.
"I've dreamt about you probably thousand nights."
Y/N could not recall the last time she heard a sentence that sounded so honest. Raw, it was almost childlike. She thought about her own countless nights when she slept alone and longed for a soul to crawl to. And also all those times she wasn't alone in the middle of the night, yet it still felt like eating someone else's dinner. The emptiness never truly filled. Hand never fitting someone else's like a well-fitted glove. Was there ever anyone who told her something like this before? Probably not. Of course not.
"I'm scared," she repeated.
"I know," he smirked for himself only. "I can feel it...But can you please tell me what's scaring you at this moment? I'd love to understand."
This time it was her who chuckled and squeezed his hand a bit. His heart once again beating so loudly he was scared she could hear it.
"I randomly meet this man, this devilisly handsome guy, who seems to know things I've never even told anyone, is hyperaware of my emotions as if they were his own...How am I suppose to resist this?"
"Why would you?"
"If we proceed with this, I am basically allowing you to become a weapon designed to destroy me. If, or more likely when, I fall for you...How can anyone else ever top that? If you decide that you're bored with me, I'll quite literally only be left with bruises."
He listened to every word as if it was a gospel and this time took a second to calculate his response. Lando opened his eyes to try and see a glimpse of her face in the dead of night, only to find her already looking at him.
"As far as I remember, you were always a part of my life. The one constant that does not leave," he said and licked his dry lips. If she was becoming vulnerable, he'd have to do the same. "If I fuck this up, if you decide that I am not worth spending time with and if you walk away...I'll still be left with the glimpses. I'll have to watch from afar, knowing you don't feel this. Funnily enough, you have the option to choose. I don't."
"And do you even want it? Would you-" she tried to continue with her question, but he interrupted her immediately.
"Of course. Hundred times over. I know you're scared, but I am scared too. Because there is a perfect piece of puzzle right in front of me and if I fuck it up, I am ruined for life."
She only saw a small reflection of light in his eyes, but that was enough to understand he was serious. Her shoulders relaxed and she let a breath she didn't know she had been holding, out.
"Well, good to know you are a dramatic person," she responded, trying to lighten up the mood.
It worked, his small smirk entered the chat again. "Yeah well, get use to it," he said with a new found confidence, tried his luck once more and scooted over to her just a little bit.
"Sorry, there was a hard spot in the matrace," he said cheekily and closed his eyes, trying to play it cute.
His body heat radiated towards her. "Of course, a hard spot in this top-of-the-world matrace," she questioned his argument with a smile, his magic getting her head-over-heels.
"Yes, I'll complain with to the staff tomorrow, these things can really fuck up your sleep, you know."
"So true. And what, have you solved it now?" Another door opened. Lando smiled.
"Still not perfect," he remarked, pretended to have a moment to think and finally scooted over and put his arm around her. "Yeah, this is the only way I'm afraid."
She was glad his eyes were closed, because her smile was impossible to hide. Both of them were fully aware there is no hard spot on the matrace. "Of course it is," she commented, as she settled down in his embrace.
Her face was now settled in crook of his neck, her uneven breaths leaving goosebumps on his skin. His light stubble teasing her forehead. Once again, Lando was overwhelmed just how well she fit in his embrace. He had to actively try and breathe regularly, because he was anxious about giving away just how much he was enjoying having her in his embrace. Her hand was pressed against his chest and Y/N had to fight every cell in her body, because the urge to explore his body was overcoming her. Lando shifted a bit, having to to try and find a spot where his belt wasn't pressing on his body in a way that hurt. Immediately, he felt a sudden wave of guilt coming from her and she bolted straight up. Had he fucked it all up? He cursed himself, he should have just pushed through it.
He forgot to take in the fact she felt his pain. "What's wrong?" he asked shyly, as he also sat up to match her moves.
She took a deep breath. "I don't want to seem like I'm suggesting something, but can we get out of our daily clothes? I hate sleeping like that." Who would like that anyway, was the thought that crept into Lando's mind, but he kept it for himself. "Sure, no problem."
"Do you have some t-shirt I could borrow?" she asked, turning on the light next to his bed, sitting with her back turned to him, perhaps trying to hide away. Lando tried his best not to get shaken up and loose his cool. This wasn't her running away and it was also not her suggesting anything.
"Of course," he said and got up to search up the best clean t-shirt her had. She took a deep breath as she tried not to stare, guessing by the sounds that he was getting undressed. But, as she did, she was happy he did not see her blush. Just like he did before, she forgot to take in account that he felt her sudden arousal and curiosity without having to look at her. For a change, he was happy he had his advantage. He peeked over to her, seeing her abrupt turn back. It was hard not to be amused by her.
"Here you go," he said as he strolled back over to her and handed her his t-shirt. "Don't worry, I won't look," he informed her and as the cheeky guy he was deep down, added his signature wink. "I'm sure there is an extra tooth brush in the bathroom, if you wanna join," he continued and walked over to the other side of the suite, hoping she was watching him walk around in boxers only.
Finally having some distance and a minute to contain herself, she carefully undressed, leaving on only her panties and his shirt on. Only then she noticed just how intoxicating his natural smell was. Knowing well enough she was doomed.
When Y/N finally joined him in the bathroom, he gave her the second toothbrush in silence and kept brushing his own teeth. It was refreshing seeing her in such an intimate setting. He tried as best as he could not to notice just how hot she looked in his t-shirt. Watching her in the reflection, he realized he never appreciated a moment like that with anyone else before. He smiled at her, because he could see her shy nature peeking through causing her hair behind her ear.
She was about to join him back in the bed when she saw him placed right in the middle of the bed, far from when was last time she approached him like that.
"It's the hard spot, there is no other way," he brushed over it nonchalantly and tucked himself in the bed. "Come on, here, here," he patted a spot next to him. In the dim light, with shadows only highlighting his toned chest, curly hair falling over to his eyes, innocent smile and opened arms, he was like a mystical creature created only to entrap Y/N. At least, that's how that felt. No way back.
She slipped in the bed with him, to the exact position as they were just minutes ago and turned of the light once again. This time, Lando was way more relaxed even Y/N noticed the difference. With each passing moment it was becoming less and less stiff or awkward. Comfort replacing natural stress of sharing a bed with a stranger for the first time. For a brief second, it was as if they'd done this every night before drifting off to sleep. Lando was happy to take things slow. Not expecting anything more. He was content with knowing she was not planning on leaving him there alone that night and that was enough. Not for Y/N. Her body was acting way before her mind could stop her. Her now warm fingers started drawing little stars on his exposed chest. It was peaceful. Until her finger moved a little lower. Another gulp from Lando. She felt him tightening his grip on her.
"Careful now...I might get the wrong idea," he breathed out for only her to hear.
Their lips were so riddiculously close, yet too far away. The only thing she wanted to do was kiss him. All restraint suddenly gone. But she needed to be sure - did he wanted to kiss her? If she dared to ask him, he'd laugh out loud at the obviousness of it all. Poor guy didn't notice her desire because he spent all of his energy trying to hide his.
She licked her lips. "Wrong idea...like sending me away?"
Loud sigh from Lando. "No..the wrong wrong idea," he whispered, being so close to her she could feel his soft breath, as he started to move his hard up her arm, under the t-shirt he gave her. She became very aware of the fact she was not wearing a bra, something Lando noticed the moment she came to the bathroom. His arm stopped momentarily at her shoulder. " Wrong idea that you want me to do this..." he continued moving his hand again, "...or this," reached up to her collarbone while pressing her closer to him with his other arm. "Or heaven forbid..." he whispered a question as his lips were nearly touching hers. Lando was too scared to make the first move, still afraid she might vanish into thin air.
She was brave enough to close the gap. "Or this." With that, she kissed him.
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@ushygushybaby
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elarialuthien · 18 hours
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Dead drunk - Leon Kennedy x Reader
Warning: Alcohol is harmful to your health! ***
You rolled your eyes and wrapped your robe tighter, sleepily entering the corridor, yawning and looking displeased at the damn dead drunk guy who was trying to take off the shoe from his left foot. "Leon," you said, sighing heavily. "Where have you been? Do you know what time it is?"
He stumbled and walked towards you, leaning against the wall for support as he tried to remove his other shoe. "I got lost on the way home, baby," he muttered, trying to smile but failing. "Sorry I'm late."
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His words were a little slurred and he swayed slightly where he stood. "Fuck," you cursed. "You're dead drunk. This is the third time this week."
He chuckled drunkenly as he pulled himself up again. "Well, I had a rough day," he replied, winking at you, although you couldn’t see it due to his position. " And besides... don’t you miss me when I’m gone?"
He tried to lean closer to you and hug you, but stumbled instead.
You sighed heavily and crossed your arms over your chest, watching him stumble around like an idiot. "No, I don't miss you when you're gone. I just need someone sober enough to talk to."
Your voice was annoyed.
He pouted, looking down at his feet before slowly looking up at her. "Oh, come on, Y\N... I'm sorry, okay?" He took a step towards you, reaching out to touch your hand gently. "Let me make amends..." His words trailed off as he leaned in, trying to capture your lips with his in a sloppy, drunken kiss.
You winced and took a step back, not responding to the kiss, Leon smelled of fumes and you, having grown up in a dysfunctional family where your parents drank like hell, you hated drunk people so damn much, but at the same time you loved Leon so damn much that I could forgive him, so to speak, for his " little trick." But as they say, patience can run out.
Feeling rejected, he snorted quietly before stumbling back. "Damn it..." he muttered under his breath. " I really screwed up this time, didn’t I?"
Even though Leon was drunk, he knew exactly how bad things were between the two of you right now.
" Damn strong," you said dryly and, going into the bedroom, you finally shouted: " Today you’re sleeping on the sofa!"
He looked after you, and his heart sank when he realized that you were serious. "Damn... I’m full of shit," he said quietly under his breath. "Okay, okay, then I'll sleep on the couch."
Even though he was drunk, he knew better than to argue with you, especially when you were so upset.
5 minutes later you heard the sound of Leon's footsteps approaching the room and then the creaking of the sofa bed in the living room. You pulled the blanket up to your chin, waiting for him to get settled before turning off the lights and closing your eyes, hoping that tomorrow would be a better day...
Sitting down on the uncomfortable sofa bed, Leon let out a long sigh. "Damn..." he muttered quietly under his breath again. " I wish I wasn’t such an asshole sometimes."
With these words hanging heavily in the silence of their apartment, Leon closed his eyes and fell asleep.
───── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ─────
In the morning you woke up from the smell of coffee and opened your sleepy eyes, yawned, got out of bed and washed your face in the bathroom, then went to the kitchen where Leon stood at the stove, dressed in home clothes, preparing pancakes, when he saw you, he smiled awkwardly. It was his rare day off and he decided to apologize in this way. You leaned against the doorway and looked at the awkwardly smiling guy, guilt clearly visible in his eyes.
Leon quickly turned away from the stove and grabbed two plates filled with freshly baked pancakes. " Uh, good morning," he greeted awkwardly, his voice still hoarse from sleep. "Hopefully this will help me make up for last night?"
He placed one plate in front of you before sitting down across from you at the table. "Thank you, Leon. They look delicious," you said sincerely, picking up your fork and taking a bite. The taste was amazing, as always. "But we need to talk about last night," you added, putting your fork down and meeting his gaze. "Drinking too much is no longer funny. It's starting to hurt us."
Leon nodded, avoiding eye contact as he picked at his food. " I know, Y\N. And I'm really sorry that things got so bad. I promise I will try to keep everything under control. " He looked at you with a sincere expression on his face. " I don’t want to lose you over something stupid like drinking."
" I hope so," you said with a sigh. "Leon, I grew up in a family of alcoholics, I know what alcohol does to people, and it’s terrible. I don’t want you to..." you hesitated. " He was like my father," you whispered quietly, remembering how your father, when he was drunk, beat you until you lost consciousness.
Leon reached across the table to take your hand in his, squeezing it gently. "Hey, I would never do anything like that to you or anyone. I swear." His voice was quiet but determined. "What happened to you as a child was horrible, and I hate that you had to go through that. But I’m not your father, Y/N. I love you too much to ever lay a hand on you." He lifted her hand to kiss your knuckles softly. "I’ll be better, I promise. For both of us."
" I believe you," you whispered, squeezing his hand back. " I know you’re not him, Leon. You’re nothing like him." You smiled softly at him, feeling the tension ease from your shoulders. " Thank you for making breakfast. It means a lot to me.”
Leon smiled warmly at you, the corners of his eyes crinkling. " Anytime, beautiful. You deserve to be spoiled." He winked playfully before grabbing his pancakes again. " So, what are your plans for today? Maybe we can go hiking or something?" Leon’s suggestion was met with a thoughtful pause as you considered it.
" Actually, that sounds perfect," you said with a genuine smile. " The fresh air and exercise will do us both good after yesterday." You finished eating, then stood up to clear away the dishes.
Giving your boyfriend a quick kiss on the cheek, you disappeared into the bedroom, leaving Leon to clean the kitchen.
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poorly-drawn-mdzs · 4 months
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Good morning, Sleepyhead.
[First] Prev <–-> Next
#poorly drawn mdzs#mdzs#wei wuxian#lan wangji#'WWX was asleep for 4 days' is an incorrect factoid.#The average WWX sleeps for 8 hours. The PD-MDZS WWX who was asleep for 40 comics and 4 months is an outlier.#We are back to present day! I have missed drawing them!#Ah...the contrast between how the flashback ended (cold and distrustful) to how wwx wakes up (warm and watched over)...#The gap between the past and present is very important. Not just in this story but in our lives too.#The past can still hurt and it doesn't just go away with time as some say. It is the power of realizing that things have changed.#We can't get the good back. The bad memories have concluded. Those live somewhere else now.#It is hard to realize that you have to live for today and tomorrow. The past is so loud.#For WWX it is realizing that despite the mistrust in the past - He really does have faith that LWJ will be there for him.#It is the reflection of knowing that you changed and will keep changing and that change is good and kind sometimes.#But more importantly...and this I really do mean with all my heart:#It will all end up okay in the end. Even after the worst day. The most painful losses. You will get through it.#What feels like a breaking point is truthfully just another step you have to take. You'll get through it even though it feels like the end.#There are wonderful things you have yet to see. Friends you have yet to meet.#Even if it hurts so badly...one day it just aches. Someday you'll go a few weeks not remembering that it ever hurt.#Oh and because my izutsumi comic revealed many people were in need of hearing this:#You are loved. Right now. You are so loved right now. We just forget to tell each other that.#Go tell the people you love that they matter to you. I'm assigning you homework!!! You are graded on completion.
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thevoidstaredback · 1 month
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2021
Me: I work in a different city almost everyday this month. Can I take the train? It'll save ya gas and money and time
Parents: No
2022
Me: I work in a different city almost everyday this month. To save gas and money, can I take the train?
Parents: No
2023
Me: I work in a different city almost everyday this month. Can I take the train to save gas and money?
Parents: No
2024
Me: I work in a different city almost everyday this month. Can I take the train to save gas and money?
Parents: No
Parents, a week later: Buy a train pass because gas is expensive
Me: Okay, but I don't get paid until Tuesday
Parents, that Tuesday: Don't get a pass; we'll take you to work
Me: Alright, then I'm going to spend this $85 on food and gas
Parents, yesterday: You're taking the train to work tomorrow because gas is expensive
Me, to myself: If you'd actually teach me to drive, we wouldn't be having this problem
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kaddyssammlung · 11 months
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disdaidal · 8 months
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I wanna thank my irl friends who follow me here and also my beloved mutuals as well as followers who still send me kind messages and try to interact with me and my stuff even if I'm bad at doing it myself.
Honestly, things haven't been that great with me lately, so... it means a lot to me. Honestly. <3
#personal#i had to make the tough decision to drop out of school last week#i didn't exactly want it if i'm being completely honest here#but certain stuff was preventing me from getting further so i knew the teachers are gonna ask me to quit over at our teams meeting#i instantly contacted my nurse about my situation. and she got me a doctor's appointment which was yesterday#where i kind of broke down a little. not because she didn't grant me the sick leave i thought i was going to get#after feeling down and sleeping terribly for weeks#but because she actually *got me*. like. she actually listened to me and figured out some stuff and told me that#what i'm going through and what i've been going through for years would make anyone depressed#so i couldn't help but cry a little because yeah. i'm so tired of never being enough no matter how hard i try#because my brain's wired a certain way and it makes me slow and kinda clumsy and inattentive at times#which. you might guess is not ideal at today's work environment. or studying-wise even#so instead of granting me sick leave (she did say we can change that at anytime though) she told me to wait for that phone call#from the unemployment office. which i should be getting tomorrow. or well. later today#and talk to them about this. to see if they can offer some solutions. or if we can figure something out#'cause i'm getting closer to my 40s and not getting anywhere and it's wearing me out and tiring me out#because i clearly can't help myself or change my ways on my own#i managed to get some work last week though. at the local youth house. one shift though but money still#but i haven't been getting those offers a lot during the past few months so it's not enough to support me obviously#so i definitely need something else. and i hope i can get help. that someone could help me#i should finally get tested for adhd next month too. i don't know if i even have it or if it's gonna change anything but#at least i'd know#anyway i needed to get this off my chest. cause i'm kinda crying a little bit even now just thinking about this whole thing#sorry
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pinkieroy · 1 year
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Somethings that bother me about the "laudna and imogen have no conflict" or "their conflict (gnarlrock) was resolved too fast" is both the idea that for a ship (or simply the dynamic between two characters) to be considered any good there is a need to have constant disagreement, but what bothers me the most is that that kind of dynamic just wouldn't fit those character, it feels like those people are saying "I would ship them if everything about the ship was different", and more importantly all those long post I've read just seem to ignore the foundation in which this relationship was built, for 2 years (more or less) they only had each other, they lived nomad lives and they were each other's only constant, with that in mind, it is easy to understand why they can solve their disagreements the way they do, they are used to each other, they are used to relying on each other, they had to learn to accommodate to the other's needs before the campaign started, and if this is somehow boring to you fine, I have disliked a fandom's most popular ship before I know how annoying it is, but some of those posts sound like op thinks the dynamic between them should be completely changed for the ship to be appealing, and they are stated like facts, as if everyone else just has a bad taste in media for liking it, and it just bothers me a lot because this is just having different tastes in media, which is fucking normal, but because of the way some people frame their arguments it sounds like they feel like they are the beholder of an objective truth that others lack the media literacy to see.
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flowerakatsuka · 23 days
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larry's tag about kurokara looking back on going around the summer festival together and realizing it was basically a date is making me chuckle bc it wouldn't be the only instance of kuroba inviting karamatsu out on what's essentially a date before they're a couple ( not even during that summer. )
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pacificgasandelectric · 9 months
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Current Events in Silm fandom rlly reinforce my feeling that, despite claiming an ethos of acceptance/tolerance of anything that doesn't hurt ppl, a lot of ppl in the section of Silm fandom I frequent do follow a set of socially-agreed-upon mores about what concepts are "not acceptable" to discuss or propose (or the ways in which certain topics must be discussed to be acceptable), that you all seem to have agreed on despite the things those mores restrict not being harmful to anyone.
And when someone does say smth that violates those mores, the response is disproportionate to the amount of harm done (which is typically none, imo). I know it's tempting to say "but we just want people to be comfortable and safe", but treating ppl badly for the sin of sharing thoughts you dislike is NOT the same as preventing people from doing things that are harmful. The former is much more of a harmful behavior than the sharing of the thoughts that sets it off. Fannish etiquette, people: you shouldn’t act like someone’s meta makes them morally suspect just because you disagree with it; save the “this is morally bad” for things that are ACTUALLY harmful. We're all stuck on this website together & if you want to have any sort of community, you need to ACT like you're in a community, and that means letting other people say things you dislike. Block them if you need to! I block people all the time because i know it's better for me AND for them if we can both blog in peace.
I am not particularly comfortable with the young-queer-on-tumblr silm fandom rn due to this tendency to rebuke things that are uncomfortable rather than harmful. Maybe that's fine with you. But if your goal is to make all fans feel comfortable and accepted, you need to actually do that. If your goal is to make people who share your unwritten rules comfortable in your space, you need to admit that, and write those rules down, and curate your space so it follows them.
Edited 8:10am PST to clarify the specifics of the behavior I find concerning.
#mine#if there had been Actual Harm done i'd feel differently#but when ppl are this worked up over 'what if [female character] was Also a bad person in a way that's reprehensible to our current morals'#and start going ‘hm this person is morally suspect for their Taste In Fiction’ im like. yikes! and you do this in the War Crimes Fandom?!#and like listen i Get that esp in this fandom there's a high incidence of like. ppl who are genuinely bigoted and stuff#and it can be stressful to see stuff that reminds you of that bigotry and the way those ppl use the work to justify their own worldview#but that STILL doesn't give anyone the right to police stuff that Isn't Bigoted. that's just not how this works.#and then in terms of 'well it's not policing it's just disagreeing' i have to say. that's where Etiquette comes in and i'm frankly#unhappy & annoyed that so many ppl in my age group seem to care more about being Right than being comfortable to share a fannish space with#but again whatever maybe they don't want me in their space. that's fine! i don't want to be in your space if it doesn't want me.#but i wish they'd fucking ADMIT THAT instead of going 'ooooh we accept everyone' and then turning around#and censuring ppl whose ideas they find icky. you can't have it both ways is all i'm saying. pick one and actually do it. for all our sakes#haha i might regret this tomorrow but i'm sooooo sleep-deprived and so annoyed#sorry to my non-silm followers it's just that i'm right and i should say it
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featherymainffins · 5 months
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*Trigger warning for eating disorder talk*
I hate how whenever I eat anything my brain is like "You should kill yourself. Now." Like what's your fucking problem
#tw ed#it's like bitch the body needs nutrients to function. idiot. that's how flesh vessels work. what are you an alien?#but my brain is always like 'booo you are a disgusting ugly bitch and as a punishment you can't eat at all tomorrow.'#like...ok then. i guess.#the funny thing is that it's also like two people fighting because like i hate what i see in the mirror from both sides#like one part of me is like 'ahhh we are far too skeletal it looks kinda creepy and Not Good'#and the other is like 'wow ew we're so disgusting and big and our bones aren't visible enough. what would our family say?'#so there's like no winning at all because if i don't eat one side will get mad and refuse to look in the mirror#and if i do eat the other side will go into total hysterics and I'll have to sleep completely covered up and will have to avoid#all mirrors because it will completely distort our perception of ourselves and will claim changes that aren't there and it will#force me not to eat for a day or two and probably also to walk everywhere#it also sucks because i think not eating enough might be contributing to me feeling so shallow and fatigued and disinterested in everything#but i have no idea because I don't know how many calories I'm actually getting#and it's really Bad™ for me to count because I'm a little bit too competitive and my brain has historically always made it#a challenge to eat as few calories as possible. because I'm insane and treat literally everything as a competition that i have to win
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backpackingspace · 1 month
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How does one even go about having feelings about escaping being murdered?
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madamescarlette · 1 year
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Gotta say lads, it's strange but luminous to be able to see myself struggling but in real time tell how it's making me better, maybe it's a sign of my aging but it's somehow so warm and comforting to me.
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deadrlngers · 1 year
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cannot fall asleep bc of the rage and bloodlust i'm feeling rn about the fact tomorrow is one week since i've contacted that coworker to get paid and i still haven't got any reply back and it's making my blood turn acid
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yeonban · 4 months
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It's lovely when I read a book and some random paragraph in it hits me in the face like a train at mach speed
#◜✧ . ❪ muse. tobias. ❫#ask to tag#Before this I was catching up with the Doctors are Out webtoon too and atm it's an arc where an abuser#got back to his victim bc he and the authorities dgaf about upholding his restraining order like bro I GET it. I get it. I KNOW#Tobias showing up like that one surprise 'heyyy' girl meme gif bc he's the solution (<- getting rid of them Permanently): >:)#No matter where I look this guy manages to weasel his way in. I cannot escape#Now I'm thinking about how Wammy's orphans have such different perspectives on what they should do and what justice means...#to some of them (ex Near) it means catching sb legally by mostly lawful means and yeeting them into prison#to others (ex Mello) it means catching sb by any means necessary but still trying his best to avoid murder#and then to others (ex Tobias) murdering these people who he knows will escape sooner or later anyway is justice in itself#You try to put Wammy orphans down at a table to come to a collective agreement on how they should operate and they simply Cannot#Watari mildly fucked up when he made them ALL headstrong and under the belief that they're always the right one in the room#I bet any of them comes up w a cohesive plan and there's sb in the room IMMEDIATELY pointing out why that plan isn't it 😭#Obviously they'd still synch with each other if need be (ex Mello & Near) but forbid they work TOGETHER together as more than ~2 people#Tobias and Near would be such a funny duo esp. bc Near sees people resorting to murder as wrong and disgusting no matter if it's valid#meanwhile Tobias sees lawful justice as nothing but a farce because 99% of the time it does nothing besides giving a momentary#ego boost to the person who caught the criminal. and then beyond that it's no longer their business if the criminal escapes or not#but it IS very much everyone else's business; and why many live in terror daily wondering if their nightmare will return tomorrow#to be fair Tobias couldn't care less about their feelings 99% of the time either but Watari DID teach him to enact justice. and to him#getting rid of the root of the problem rather than locking it up IS justice. He perceives the problems from much closer than#other Wammy orphans ever have. He's RIGHT THERE in the middle of it whereas they're in some safe place far away from the victims#plus their backgrounds are far too different from his own to reach a consensus too... you can't make him believe prison = justice#just as you can't make them believe murder = justice. But I do think people would prefer Tobias' approach far more than idk Near's#again it's not like Tobias cares about how he's perceived by the people he saves! (or if he's even perceived at all) but I can imagine#going to sleep knowing the person/people/group/etc having it out for you no longer exists is a much more heartening sentiment than#hearing they've been sent to prison; from where they can send sb else after you or from where they can escape in due time
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flufflecat · 5 months
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Really not feelin it this week. Tag rant incoming
#it's just been a slew of horrible things this week and idk how to handle any of it#we had to take my childhood cat to the vet on Monday bc she's very sick and very skinny#and we thought we'd have to put her down#I'm so thankful bc she still has a bit of time and really all I want is for her to be comfortable again before she dies#but shes in such bad shape#and I hate seeing her like that. I found her when she was just a few weeks old#and now she's 15 and she just got old out of nowhere#and I'm not gonna be able to see her anymore soon#I'm going to a funeral Saturday for one of my aunts#I wasn't close to her since I was a kid but my family more or less abandoned her#and now she's dead and I never went to see her when she was alone#and today my other aunt died. and I was close to her.#I haven't seen her in years either though bc of more family drama.#and I never visited her either. idek if she was alone or if she had people.#I should have visited her when we found out she was sick but I just didn't#idk what to do. it's all just piling up#I feel worse rn than I have in years#and more bad things just keep happening#I was excited this week bc I got some work done on my college application#but now my motivation is just gone#I just wanna sleep and wake up and find out that my aunt is actually alive and someone just got it wrong somehow#but I can't fall asleep and that won't happen so waking up won't even be worth that#I would call off work tomorrow but I don't wanna be alone and my coworkers are the only people I know in town#at least they're all nice people#this all sucks so fucking bad#personal#negative
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kaiayame · 2 years
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#I'm going to go to sleep & see how i feel tomorrow BUT#my initial thoughts were that ep9 wasn't..... the best.#i thought the pacing and cinematography and vfx were... off.#i thought both Pedro and Bella weren't at their best.#i thought the hospital stuff. stuff that was REALLY important. was rushed.#i thought they could have literally just given us 10 to 20 more min. of run time to help flesh it out... it should have been longer!!!#i thought it wasn't as emotional or done as well as the game ending#idk.#i still love the overall show.#i just thought ep 9 was a liiiiiiiiiittle.....#lackluster 🫤#idk. I'll watch it again tomorrow. but...#🤷‍♂️#.....#like sorry. but i just didn't feel the URGENCY and horror in Joel's actions at the hospital.#and like we really just said f u to having any infected around since ep5 didn't we. huh.#i DID like that joel said there were raiders at the hospital when lying to ellie tho. and that marlene didn't make it.#I've had in my notes for a long time that he should have used that as an excuse#for getting her out of there while she's still unconscious.#mmhmm#also#overall i feel like joel was acting a little nuts when trying to cheer ellie up#a little.... unhinged#it felt more forced than in the game.#and when he was comparing her to sarah...#it just didn't feel.... authentic#idkkkkkk#i missed the beat of ellie giving him sarah's photo#and them getting taken out by a smoke bomb instead of ellie almost drowning and joel freaking out over her not breathing was a little...#anticlimactic :/
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