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#I'm tired and i feel like giving up
totalspiffage · 2 months
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My brain feels like it's been in a complete fog for like 6 months but I'm trying my best. That and the resurgence of nerve pain and NEW pain in my spine has been great I love bodies.
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crabsnpersimmons · 2 months
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"Slow down, Sunshine. You're not falling behind and you are loved for more than what you do for others."
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wardingshout · 5 months
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Viridian trainers for day 5 of spesilverweek! they are my most beloved but Lance is a cursed character who is impossible to draw or portray in any way to me
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fisheito · 2 months
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collab #2 with @xenole i was given a chibi yakumo and i.. i...... turned it into thiS
#I AM SO SORRY I DREW YAKUMO AGAIN ADFSJEIADKS LOOK OK so xenole gives me the tiny crying yakumo.#says DO WHATEVER YOU WANT and THUS i get to thinking#my immediate thought was#i'm going to make oli breast boobily while comforting him#bc i was determined to draw xenole's fave this time. i swore it to myself. i WILL stop being so self indulgent#but the chibi on chibi comforting scene didn't sit right with me. it was too straightforward. not something i would draw normally#it was hhhh as u say.... not on brand.? it did not inspire me. idea benched....#so days pass and i'm still pondering ideas on what to do to the sad spaghetti.#configurations of clan members danced in my head. some defending yaku. some comforting. some bullying#the ideas usually involved at least oli or kuya bc once again. xenole bias#then while i'm in the shower i got frustrated with my lack of ideas and thought#i'll jujst eat.him. just. chew on him. i'm tired of him#AND THE IMAGE OF KUYA EATING YAKUMO FOR BREAKFAST POPPED INTO MY MIND#originally it was going to be kuya eating yakuflakes and oli giving him serious side eye but then the brain went#WHAT IF IT'S YAKUMO WATCHING KUYA EAT YAKUMO. THAT IS FUNNY. IT MUMST HAPPEEN#BUT I REFUSED at first. i was angry at myself. this is not a competition to see how you can STILL sHOVE YAKUMO into a drawing.#plus the composition would shrink xenole's chibi down! i would take over so much space by comparison! THE DISRESPECT! TO THE COLLAB PROCESS#but once i get fixated on smth...well. i ended up doing the idea and just praying xenole wouldnt eviscerate me for it#i'm sorry my liege. my grip on the reins was weak. the goofy clown horses went stampeding#so idk now it's the two of em having a peaceful breakfast in kuya's cabin but only kuya is at peace and yakumo's this close to a breakdown#i feel like there should be something in the space between them. a speech bubble or something . something mean is being said#yakuya#nu carnival yakumo#nu carnival kuya
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bixels · 2 days
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What did/do you like about Pharah?
Uh, gameplay-wise, I really love characters in shooters who rely on three-dimensional movement techs. Chaining together hover and jump to stay in the air for as long as possible and keep momentum is so satisfying, and picking enemies off from the sky made me feel like a bird of prey. I was a good Pharah main.
Story-wise, there unfortunately isn't much to canonically go off because Pharah is so underutilized and neglected. Her personality's pretty boilerplate "heroic hero" (she's literally inspired by Captain America).
But it's the crumbs/bits and pieces that I really latched onto. Pharah's a confirmed lesbian; her short story with Baptiste implies she harbors a crush on Mercy (fucking thank you.). She's biracial Egyptian/First Nations. She has major mommy issues, having grown up both admiring and resenting Ana. She's the bridge between Old Overwatch, inspired by the idealized heroes who surrounded her childhood, and New Overwatch. She's one of the only inter-generational characters in the cast; someone whose experiences span the gap, which is why I seriously believe Pharah would make a great main character.
There isn't much to go off of, though; she's a very uncomplicated character (she's a soldier for a private military corporation, lol.). But that just means she's a blank slate character, so I've seen fanfic writers run wild and create some really interesting takes on her. My favorite interpretation of her's a dense, herbo gym-bro type (a lot of her liens are about work outs, exercising, and playing sports) who's easily excitable under her seemingly self-serious, armored visage. We see how she tends to gloat and hype herself up when she's on a streak too, so Pharah definitely has a competitive and boastful side under her more professional and militant performance.
Now Mercy? Mercy is a real complex character.
#i was a diehard pharmercy shipper back then btw#the inherent homoerotic experience of pharmercy gameplay.#the homoerotic experience of looking to the skies to fly to safety under the protection of your knight in shining armor#the homoerotic experience of feeling white hot murderous rage at an enemy trying to pick off your pocket mercy#i still kinda despise gency lmao. you cannot convince me mercy would be in love with genji. at all.#he'd make her feel so uncomfortable and guilty. in my head. the canon is obviously different#gency is sexless. absolutely zero bite or tension.#i could go on about mercy and how her character has so much missed potential#i'm no longer in my overwatch fandom phase but#i still think about that new flirty line they added in ow2 where mercy goes “ahh you're like my knight in shining armor!”#and pharah goes “that's what i'm goin for ;)” and i sigh dreamily#really happy that pharah outright says she's a lesbian too but it's hard to feel good about rep when you know blizzard uses it for pr#to be honest i'm willing to bet cash that blizzard's keeping pharmercy in their back pocket as ammo for the next controversy#last year we already saw logs about pharah fretting and taking care of mercy and the two talking about how good it is to see each other#tbh pharah has the same energy/demeanor as applejack. cheerful and competitive in a can of whoopass#but yeah overall pharah's a pretty shallow character. i have IDEAS on how i'd go about deepening her but. whatever#that's sorta what happens when you have to juggle a cast of 40 characters. a lot get left with the bare minimum#ok so i wrote this entire post up saying that pharah isn't in ow2's storymode when she is. she's in the story i just. forgot#because she doesn't do or contribute anything interesting#ok i'm stopping here. overwatch's story is such an interesting narrative mess i could go on for hours#i dunno how you come up with such incredible character designs and give them such an unincredible story#it's also so so so interesting seeing the conflicting takes on characters the writers have#mercy in gameplay and voicelines is peppy and cheerful and optimistic#but mercy in the storymode journal logs is tired. jaded. a total shut in who forgets to leave her room and social#and YES! THAT'S WHAT I WANT!!! THAT'S MERCY TO ME!!! THE DOCTOR WHO FORGETS TO TAKE CARE OF HERSELF#ask me#anon
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zo-lost-and-confused · 11 months
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I am finally finished! I didn't go with ships and instead more of their personalities, so don't look too deep into how they are paired up. All six of them got in trouble together anyway, I would imagine.
Also went with their default looks, because I didn't feel like figuring out something new lol
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gotchibam · 26 days
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Does anyone here draw in both desktop & mobile? I'm planning to get a galaxy tab at some point and since I don't really have any experience drawing on a (mobile) tablet, I'm curious abt how it feels to draw on one vs. drawing on pc w/ a graphic tablet 🤔
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black-and-yellow · 2 years
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The good ending.
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chirpsythismorning · 1 year
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Noah saying, "I don't think Mike likes Will back" doesn’t equate to him not knowing about byler being endgame, and here's why.
Noah and a majority of the main cast have been given a rough idea of how the show will end, broadly in terms of the entire story, but also more specifically in terms of their personal character arcs.
Actors are out here acting. This is nothing new.
Any of the the main cast insisting they have no idea how the show ends at all, are lying. This is because their safest bet is playing dumb.
There's nothing safe about them revealing they know how the show ends, least of all to an audience that is dying for any spoiler they can get their hands on. It just puts them in a position to have to think very carefully about everything they say, which is something they already have to do regardless.
It's a lot easier to just say you don't know, because then you can give vague answers or even just flat out lie and get away with it, as opposed to saying you know and then having everyone take whatever you say as gospel since you admitted to knowing what's coming.
David is pretty much the only actor who goes around explicitly saying that he knows how the show ends, which is something he's been doing consistently since s2 premiered back in November of 2017.
Something David has also mentioned on a few occasions since then, is how much input the Duffer's let him put into his character. He's literally praised them for having a collaborative process, because it allows him to play Hopper more authentically.
And so yes, I do think it's safe to assume that the Duffer's extend this approach to their other cast-members as well, at least among the main cast-members. I do not at all think this is some exclusive treatment only David gets, because this seems like more just something the Duffer's do out of respect to the actors. How else can they expect them to portray their character accurately if they don't know what they're going through or what their motives are or what's right for them going forward?
We obviously won't know all the details about who knew what at what times or how long they've known certain things, until they themselves come out and reveal after the fact, if they even do it at all.
Still, I do think that when it comes to byler actually happening, it's going to be very satisfying for fans who saw it coming.
This is because we're dealing with something the Duffer's are predicting a good portion of the ga will be bitter about, with the main argument at the forefront being that Mike and Will came out of nowhere.
And so, how do you think they're going to combat that?
With the literal proof.
They have David, who has been used happily as their main scapegoat through the years, whose words are literal proof that things were planned for quite some time. We have him saying all the way back in 2017 that there are easter eggs in the first season which we won't understand until the end, how it's beautiful and surprising and it will explain why certain characters acted certain ways...
Not only that, but there's just no way people are going to be able to use the whole 'it came out of nowhere' argument (at least without looking like idiots), because we'll have the Duffer's themselves out here confirming shit like blue meets yellow in the west and other theories that were entirely intentional (as we predicted).
And because of this, I think I can guess roughly how things will go moving forward and it's honestly already panning out in some ways I expected.
Because while season 4 ends in a way that seems to be leading towards Mike and El ending up together from the perspective of the ga, there are numerous details in the subtext and just outright in the literal text that's trying to tell us this is not actually the case.
And so now the Duffers and everyone who knows are in this limbo of tricking their audience in plain sight, hoping to keep this act going for as long as they can, and that's obviously not easy to do.
What I think makes it most difficult is that they want to surprise fans, but they also want them to be satisfied and happy with the ending.
And that is why the whole Milkvan straight bait is indeed very near its end.
If they want ST to live on as a cult classic with rewatch value, they can't keep this straight bait going on into the last season.
They'll want Mike and El to definitively give off platonic elmike for s5, with byler being endgame and Willel being wonder twins.
This is why Mike and El's dynamic HAS to blatant in a way that will come across as platonic to the ga in s5. And the shift needs to be immediate, otherwise byler will not be satisfying.
I feel like a lot of bylers already predict this, which is why a lot of us assume that the milkvan breakup with happen (or be acknowledged as having already happened) as early as 5x01 or 5x02.
Honestly, I do think that Will's painting being plastered on merch recently was one of the big moments which is representative of a shift we're already seeing start to happen. We're going to continue to see milkvan be promoted as elmike, while byler is being promoted in a way that is, well byler.
What I think is most noteworthy in terms of how they're approaching this conflict going forward, is how the actors themselves have talked about it when asked.
For example, there was one Con specifically that I remember Noah attended right around when Vol 2 dropped, where he mentioned byler at least 3 times. Two times when asked and one other time unprompted.
And no one ever talks about this, but full serious you guys, it was dead silent at that con whenever he mentioned byler. There were maybe a few hoots and claps, with Noah literally looking kind of worried. It was obvious he noticed the silence the first time it got brought up, and so he felt the need to mention it a second time when asked about what he shipped and then AGAIN, with a note of defensiveness in his voice:
"Byler is just, at it's peak right now, okay, so definitely ship that--"
And while in the background, all you hear is maybe 2 bylers supporting him, otherwise, it's mostly crickets...
Let's try to remember that while Byler is a lot bigger now undoubtedly, unless you're active online, most of the ga does not see it coming. And so byler is by no means fan-service. If anything it's show-runner service.
This means Noah had literally no obligation that day to go all out with referring to byler in a positive hopeful light, nor does he still. And yet he did and he hasn't slowed down much since.
His approach makes sense. Because his character has been revealed in canon to be in love with the other, he can freely say he ships it and even take the opportunity to hype it up in an attempt to open peoples minds to it, who might not have considered it before. And he can also do this because in canon, Will assumes Mike doesn't love him back, so Noah can just co-opt Will & the ga's assumption that Mike doesn't feel the same, and get away with it, without anyone whose close-minded giving it a second glance as evidence.
If they wanted to avoid queer-bait and get people to not look at byler that way, they had the chance to. A majority of the ga didn't read byler romantically and so they could've just kept things casual by not bringing it up, nor humoring it at all.
The byler tag didn't even hit 30k followers until AFTER vol. 2 dropped! Most people were oblivious (including bylers).
Undoubtedly, Noah in particular around that time, was a big part of why people started to look deeper on their own and it's how a lot of people ended up here, now with 277k of us.
Like seriously, listen to me ya'll, Noah would NOT put himself in a position to broadcast his support for byler like this and the Duffers would probably be begging him not to, knowing he would be subject to a lot of criticism in doing so, if byler was not in fact where the story was going. Point blank, period.
His tweet "vol 2 got me shipping byler over everything' has to have been the most obvious stunt of all. He was not saying that to be quirky or to appease a few thousand people, he was saying it to wake up the hundreds of thousands that might be open to it, and who just need a push to see what's right in front of them.
Then we have Millie's approach. Her approach for a long time has been to say stuff that she thinks the audience wants to hear, that being anything pro-milkvan. And up until Vol 1, she was still mostly on board with referring to it in a super positive light.
She also insisted during s4's run that she has no clue how the show will end (lies, Millie is a good actress pls give her more credit), and this also explains why she's tended to feel somewhat comfortable lying about milkvan positively...
Though as Vol. 2 neared and ever since, a shift has started to happen, where in interviews Millie is getting a lot more into depth and real about El's personal arc. She mentioned right before Vol 2 dropped that El was insecure in her fight with Mike at the start of the season because she thought he only considered her a superhero and didn't see her as more than that.... Then more recently she has doubled down saying that she is her own superhero, having been shaped a little too much by the men in her life.
SHE IS OUT HERE SAYING WHAT WE'VE BEEN SAYING FOR MONTHS (SOME YEARS)! SHE KNOWS HER CHARACTER BETTER THAN ANYONE!
Honestly, even though I understand they are trying to trick people into thinking they're clueless and so I guess I'm happy for them that they've succeeded in that, I can't help but admit I feel a little disappointed upon hearing some bylers say that they are convinced Millie doesn't know, but that Finn does and even Noah does, but that she's entirely in the dark about it and that they're okay with this I guess?
First of all, why would anyone be okay with that? Why would we be okay with Millie not having insight into where her character is going. What, do you guys think they're just going to pull up on her at the last minute like, "yeah sorry we didn't tell you sooner, but this is where your character is going to end up. anyways back to byler!...."
I don't care, it would seriously be fucked up to keep her in the dark about this because El IS important to the story and Millie, just like everyone else, deserves that closure so that she can understand her character better and therefore perform to the best of her ability. She also deserves a say somewhat in where she feels her character should go, just like David has said the Duffer's afford them.
Now lastly, when it comes to Finn, I think most assume at least he is aware of byler, and I do agree he knows, so let's start there.
Again, we don't know when they found out and so for now I don't feel like going too far into guessing the exact point and so I won't. However, I do think that Finn also as of late has had an approach that manages to somehow be very different from both Noah and Millie's, and for reasons that also make a lot of sense.
Because Finn's character is assumed to not return Will's feelings, he has to be more careful than all of them. This is arguably why he goes to the least cons out of everyone (most recently everyone attended a con in person, with Millie present over zoom even, but no Finn or Noah... seems very intentional at this point).
Why I think they need to be more strict with Finn in particular is because he's in the exact opposite situation as Noah.
His character is assumed to not return Wll's feelings, and so he can't go very far with what he reveals. What we've got up to this point is actually quite revealing enough as it is, which is why that's all we're getting for now.
What I find interesting is that Finn's approach is quite similar to David's. I know Noah is known for spoiling things, but arguably Finn is just as bad, he's just a lot more sneaky about it. He has a harder time lying, which is why I think he actually looks uncomfortable when asked milkvan questions. Not necessarily because he doesn't ship it like lots of bylers assume, but because he's having to dance around and lie outright and he probably feels bad.
His most common approach though is that he likes to make jokes and say things that could be looked at from multiple perspectives, where it could be looked at now as milkvan evidence, while simultaneously being looked at from the future as byler evidence. Him saying 'I think everyone knows how Mike feels about Eleven' was him quite literally gaslighting the audience just like Mike did with El in s4:
'I care for you so much" "I say it" "You know how I feel about you--"
But do we? Do we really? Or does the audience THINK they know, and so Finn can get away with saying something cryptic and vague like that? When really, in the future, everyone will be laughing looking back because to Finn and all the cast, it was actually abundantly obvious Mike's feelings for El were platonic and his feelings for Will were romantic.
Same for his response when asked if El and Mike would be together and happy in season 5. He dances around it, doesn't deny it, but also doesn't confirm it. Instead of just being like yes they will (which is what we're being led to assume is inevitable at the end of s4, and so he has no reason to dance around it), he starts by deflecting, talking broadly in terms of the stories overall ending, only to say he hopes they find happiness... Again his answer fits with the ga's assumptions now, but it also fits with the surprise of byler in the end as well.
Also important to note that Finn and Noah are the ones to repost about the show most out of everyone from the main cast. A LOT. In fact, they were the only main cast-members (besides Brett LOL) out of everyone to repost about the episode title name for 5x01 being released on ST day...
And it's because THIS is their character's big revelation going into the final season and they had a say in it going this direction. Even if it's what the Duffer's wanted all along, they still gave them and everyone to an extent, a say in things. And now that it's all slowly happening, they are front and center standing by that decision, because they insisted they could do it and wanted to.
I can't say for certain that things will just be smooth sailing from here on out though, by no means is everything just going to shift completely.
There is still undoubtedly this element of the Duffer's and everyone wanting to have the pleasure of tricking the audience. In an industry where everything that happens is usually expected and predictable and therefore rarely exciting, and with an audience that is always figuring stuff out before their supposed to through leaks and stuff, byler is something they have finally been able to successfully trick most of the audience to think will never happen. And that is fucking impressive when considering the heaps of evidence.
And yet still, they don't want to be yet another show that is considered to have a bad ending.
So, going forward, I think things will continue the way that they are, but we'll slowly see them be more comfortable in this element of acknowledging endgame in a way that will be easy to look back on positively when everything is all said and done.
Because if byler is endgame, IF they want people to look back and go oh Oh OH during all those moments where they misread things, but now they can see the other side of it, there needs to be more of an approach that gives Byler equal playing field and allows the ga to actually start to appreciate it and even want it and root for it. Which means buh bye predictability and heteronormativity and hello surprises and gayness (but also be open ended about it so the homophobes will stay tuned until the last second).
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alsojnpie · 3 months
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hey. um. i love him
#O_O i really love him#it's getting warmer every day and i can't draw him in a sweater for much longer#by the way. is this site going to. yknow. die#sigh........i kept telling myself I'd get better at it one day#kind of like the way i tell myself i can get together courage to speak up but i never do#using another website just sounds so depressing#im not good at social media. im tired of pretending like i can get good at it#but you can't even pretend like you can jump into a conversation if no one is having a conversation#i wanted to be part of a community here but i never could figure out what belonging looked like or how i could do it#and maybe it's my fundamental misunderstanding of that that prevents it but how can i understand it without experience#I'm so jealous of everyone who looks like they achieved what i couldn't even put my finger on. but since i didn't even understand it#i can't even be sure what exactly im jealous of#the other day i walked past a trio of friends and they had their arms around each other and were laughing as they walked#and i felt really strongly that even though I've always wanted a friend like that I'm actually fundamentally incompatible with that.#there's several reasons#but it made me feel really sad. but it made me feel a little better too. i guess it's really not my fault. maybe. i don't really know#in that moment it felt very much like something that was not my fault. and it was nice and sad at the same time#idk what's going to happen here. but one thing i know for sure is that i can have a happy tomorrow. no matter what#no matter what i have to give up on. i can find joy in other things. even in myself#and if there's one idea that he is about. it's that one
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lighthouseas · 10 months
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alright friends i'm not gonna lie i wouldn't mind if the byler kiss had will leaning in first. or like. will kissing mike first on impulse during a heated moment. and then he regrets it immediately after because he thinks mike doesn't reciprocate (even though he obviously does) because mike just stands there for a second like 🧍🏻‍♂️ before swooping in to kiss will back
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ghostoffuturespast · 6 months
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I'm half-tempted to just nuke my discord.
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pa-pa-plasma · 2 years
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bro you are on the FANDOM WEBSITE why are you NOT supporting your fandom creators????? do you WANT us to stop??? do you want there to be no more art & fic?? because that’s what happens when you don’t reblog our stuff. this isn’t a threat, this is a reality. if there is no one here wanting to see our stuff we won’t post it. I’m not trying to guilt trip here, none of us are, we’re literally just saying that if there is no motivation to spend 10+ hours making fanart or 5 years writing a multichapter fic for free then we won’t fucking do it
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^this shit? ridiculous. I LOVE EVERYONE WHO REBLOGGED & INTERACTED WITH MY ART! I LOVE EVERYONE WHO ASKED QUESTIONS & COMMENTED!! but so many of these people just liked it & left. this has been getting worse over the years, too. the reblogs to likes ratio has been getting crazier. I create because I love it, but if I have no reason to post, I won’t. fandoms dry up because of this. creators quit because of this.
we just need to stop acting like this is instagram, or that anyone cares what your blog looks like. people don’t see your likes, they see your reblogs. you want that favourite content creator to post more art? you want that writer to post the next chapter of your fav fic?? reblog it. share it. show them you care, because otherwise they won’t. this is a hobby we do for free. you consume our stuff for free. you aren’t entitled to it, so please just reblog, it isn’t hard.
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averwonders · 2 years
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It's about time people need to stop thinking of dialects and accents (especially minority and rural ones) as a judging factor or something to mock. People shouldn't have to feel ashamed, humiliated, insecure or fear of being judged for having a hint of their native dialect/accent while speaking the standard version of a language or even speaking in them completely at a new place.
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taikanyohou · 2 years
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there's an alternate reality where this vegas:
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and this pete:
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most definitely fuck.
#i have a scenario in my head where the bodyguard disperse to find porsche and as vegas is heading out back to main foyer area#he bumps into pete and pete just looks at him with disgust and knows vegas is Upto Some Shit and porsche disappearing is bc of him#and vegas who's already Mad does not need pete to be looking at him like that so he spits out a 'what the fuck are you staring at?'#and pete just cuts to the chase and asks vegas 'where the fuck is he i know you're upto some shit.' and vegas just smirks and says 'who?'#whilst he steps closer to him until he's trapped pete up against a wall and leans into his ear and says 'who pete?'#and pete spits back in vegas' face how 'i know you've got your eyes on him. don't think i haven't been watching your every move.'#and at first it feels like a bucket of ice water has been thrown on vegas but then he composes himself and says#'why? are you jealous?' at which pete just scoffs. and then vegas tries again and says 'or do you like what you see? the thrill of it?#eyeing me just to see what i do next?'#and pete doesnt respond. just bites the inside of his cheek. bc there is a thrill to it#but he is not gonna give vegas the satisfaction. and yet all vegas has to do is look at pete as he clenches his jaw and he gets his answer#and then vegas just rakes his eyes all over pete's body and says 'you've never looked so good'.#and pete isnt gonna get distracted by the fact that vegas of all people is telling him this. so he asks again 'where is he?'#and vegas just tuts and steps even closer and presses their bodies together and says 'fuck him. i'm talking about us.#stop being so fucking good all the time pete. doesnt it get tiring?'#and pete's trying to stay focused on the task at hand here and he knows exactly what vegas is doing as vegas carries on saying#'don't you wanna be bad sometimes pete? what if i let you be that with me? no one has to know.'#and the invitation sounds so tempting. the prospect of it. that he should be with kinn doing his job but instead he's fucking his cousin#and just being the centre of attention for once. being vegas' centre of attention .... it makes pete's toes curl.#and vegas glances down at pete's mouth that's fallen slightly open. and its so pretty. so pretty that he has to touch it. and as he does#pete opens his mouth wider and vegas runs his thumb along pete's entire bottom lip. and he can feel pete breathing hard.#'you want this.' vegas says. 'look how you open up your mouth for me so pretty to have more.'#and now vegas is calling him pretty too and pete's resolve is breaking brick by brick until he moans when vegas wraps his hand around his#throat and vegas says 'i wanna taint you so bad that you'd have to wear this to cover the bruises on your neck. and the next time i see you#i'd do it all over again.' and pete asks in a barely there voice 'next time?' and vegas smirks and leans into pete's ear and says#'if its what you want. because i do. i wanna see you be bad for me. just for me. i want you to come to me only. for me only.'#and then vegas bites down on the skin there making pete clutch onto vegas' blazer and as divine as vegas looks pete wants to rip it off.#and just as he's about to do something about it vegas steps back leaving pete's arm mid air. and pete hates that. and vegas sees it all#over his face and says 'what do you say pete? you either leave with me right now or you can go back and be the good little boy they think#you are.' and vegas holds out his hand. and no one's ever treated pete like this before. so he takes it. and lets vegas take him.
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bl33ditout · 30 days
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i HATE my skin. i HATE having a body. i want to go away and just be a ghost
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