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toujoursmiraculous · 4 years ago

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Thoughts and Reaction to Guiltrip!

Alright, so this one is a bit more of a serious one for me. But I'll be going in order of the episode so the more serious talk will be a bit further down! First thing we get is this lovely moment:

I've already addressed it in a post, but I'll say it again here. Guiltrip is episode 11, several episodes take place before Guiltrip that we haven't seen yet, so this is awhile after Marinette and Luka broke up. We also know that Marinette has always had feelings for Adrien, even when she was with Luka. Luka always knew that fact too. None of this is new and is to be expected, obviously, when Love Square is endgame. But! I also want to point out here that this is just a soft look. Very gentle, very common. I see people looking at each other both in real life and in other shows all the time. A look that says "I adore you". And I think it's sweet! Very subtle, but enough. Something's wrong with Rose. We never get told (in this episode anyway) what it is, but it's a chronic illness that's a worry in Rose's life, ever since she was young. I feel really bad for Juleka, knowing that her friend's been struggling with an illness, and whenever something happens she has to worry about it alone. Also that really sucks when you try to cheer somebody up and make a joke, that because you were mislead about a situation you end up making things worse. Poor Marinette. :c Adrien when he realizes he's bumped into someone (and the pink bubbles to remind us of Marinette's feelings for him):

Adrien when he realizes just who it was he bumped into!:

Scroll up now and look at how Marinette was looking at Adrien earlier that day. It's the exact same look. Yet, something feels different from usual to me, idk. But continuing on. Marinette gets slightly jumbled with her words, but manages to give herself a kick and says nope not now! Good for her! You can't expect to change overnight, but she's working on it.

She looks to the side, gathering her surroundings for a split second and she misses the top step. I'd like to say that this is just a joke for the show but well, this kind of thing has happened to me a lot because I'm that much of a klutz so I feel for her here. (On Halloween I forgot that there was another step as I was walking down as I wasn't paying attention. I couldn't walk on my foot for 2 weeks. It's a serious problem, guys. Really. xDD) Marinette had told Adrien she's concerned it was something she said that upset Juleka and Adrien tells her while sometimes she doesn't make sense, what she says is never mean. This scene reminds me of when Ladybug's worried about something and Chat Noir's there to keep her grounded and remind her of how things really are. I very much appreciate seeing such a scene with Adrienette! Makes the Love Square much more rounded. Also the way he stops her and says let him go talk to her to try to help the situation and any possible misunderstandings from taking place. ;-;

Can I just say... oh my gosh. He went from determined, to hearing Marinette trying to comfort her, to looking with confidence "This girl is amazing." and the whole Ladynoir vibe I'm getting from this scene makes me happy. The thing that's unrealistic about this scene though is you expect to tell me that 8 kids went down those stairs and came up behind them and Marinette, Adrien, and Juleka didn't hear? XD Now here's where the serious comes in. Rose is hospitalized with an illness we don't know about, but has been a long-term thing that has Juleka really worried a lot. That must be so stressful :c I'm going to be honest and say I never really saw Julerose romantically. Like I can see how people do, but to me, I could see that their bond was really unique. It didn't really fit completely in the "BFF" category either. But if felt like there was more to them that I didn't really understand. I think the best example off the top of my head was during Zombizou, when Rose was going to help Chloe after she slid down Chat's stick and she went too fast for him to catch her. Juleka seemed especially worried and concerned for her. Rose never seemed to get concerned about Juleka in the same way Juleka was about Rose. Juleka's always been more protective and worried and it was always one of those things that made me go "hmm, interesting". Now this episode finally explains why and I'm honestly super glad for it. Because this kind of a relationship is not a common one in media, especially kids media. Partially because having such serious illnesses in young people is not particularly common, and having someone who's so caring and protective of that person is even less common. And most people probably don't realize how amazing it is to have health problems and then have someone in their life who acts like Juleka does for Rose. I had a life-threatening illness as a kid, one that still affects me greatly today. When in school, my friends knew about it without me having to say anything unfortunately, and while they didn't usually treat me differently, sometimes they were pretty ignorant and didn't understand why I wasn't "normal" like them. They asked questions that were harder ones to answer, and tended to forget my answers. I got a lot of "I know you have X problem but I still don't see why you can't..." as well as thinking I was lying if I said I wasn't well and couldn't go to a party, and that was hard to deal with, being limited in what you can do which makes you different and being judged for things out of your control. So seeing these kids who only know something's wrong with her, but are willing to do so much to make her life better and happier, not judging her at all, wanting to take care of her no questions asked was really heart-warming for me. I only had one friend during that time that was anything close to this. I never had to explain anything to him if I didn't want to. He never asked me personal questions I didn't want to answer. And he seemed to know what he could do to make things for me easier if I was having a hard time without me ever saying so. And this is another reminder to me that this show is aimed at kids. To show kids that they'll likely encounter someone around their age that's going through something serious like a health problem, and what that kid needs most is kindness and not to be made to feel like they're even more different from the other kids than they already feel. The way they handled that aspect of it for such a short, limited intro to it, I think they did good. I discussed this next bit with a friend. She mentioned it first, the trope where those with chronic or serious illnesses are usually an "inspiration". With this episode, you kind of get the feeling that because Rose's been through so much, she's therefore a really positive and bubbly person and it kind of gives off the vibe that if you don't view things the way she does, then you're not doing it right. "What matters isn't the problem, but how you handle it." While I agree with this, and that when you come out of or regularly deal with

such hard times, automatically trying to see the world better and brighter can easily happen, but it's not exactly realistic either, at least not to the extent Rose and other people the media has portrayed. For one, I think you have to have always been more of that kind of person from the start to realistically be so positive. As my friend said and I agree, positivity is just who Rose is, she's not who she is just for the sake of a trope. But honestly, when you've gone through something so difficult, and if life continues to throw you more difficulties on top of it, being positive so much can sometimes turn into a negative and be harmful too. When you've been through a lot, it's important to allow yourself to feel the negative too because it's part of dealing with such problems. And if you've been through a lot in life and you haven't come out of it being all sunshine and rainbows, always looking on the brighter side of things, that's perfectly okay. Life's hard and tends not to work out how we'd like, or even for the better sometimes. If being positive and hopeful after struggling is hard to do, you're not bad or wrong for feeling that way, everybody handles things differently. c: ANYWAY, moving on to the rest of the episode! Juleka being all irritated and worried that the class was going to expose her spilling Rose's secret xD While the situation isn't ideal, it's nice that this is the most involved she's seemed with everyone in the entire duration of the show. But Rose knows something's up, and I love that she talks to her about it and realizes that she should've told everyone herself instead of Juleka being the only one who knew. Which has been such a burden on her. (Oh no, what if this is a reflection of Alya knowing Marinette's Ladybug later on? I'm hoping not.) Ugh these children and how much they care about Rose! These kids are the absolute best. But then they kind of ruin it a little with going overboard. Which, frankly, I think is just ignorance of her situation really. I mean, we don't know what exactly is wrong with Rose. Just that she ends up in the hospital. If they knew about her condition, what causes her to get sick, what to look out for, etc, they'd be much more informed and much less likely to be frantic whenever something's not perfectly "normal" with her. All of these kids are going to be overprotective parents someday, aren't they?

Okay so like... are Adrien and Marinette going to question at all how Ladybug and Chat Noir showed up immediately after Juleka was akumatized, and no damage had happened outside of the school for it to be known to the public? Literally the only ones that could've possibly known were the class to have shown up that fast. ??? I am confusion. "I can't help my best friend face his father." "No, Nino..." Two things: The fact that THIS is what he's feeling guilty about? My poor Nino! Dx I just love him, he really doesn't get enough love and appreciation imo. Also, um, isn't Ladybug like right by Chat? Didn't she hear that? What? Idk but I feel like we're really missing something here. Usually we get things that are kind of hints, that make us wonder if they know right, but this? This is a bit too blaring-in-your-face, and there's two major things so close together. Really strange. Chat about to use Cataclysm on himself. Good grief that was not expected. Chat Blanc threatened to destroy himself along with everything else. Now Chat Noir while affected with negative emotions from an akuma almost Cataclysmed himself. This show really is getting deep and dark isn't it. o.o Also is there something Adrien needs to work out with someone...? Daizzi and Rose saying the other's so cute, ugh they're both so cute! And Pigella's costume and transformation is so adorable omg. Okay so Pigella's power allows people to see their biggest wish, the thing that'd make them the most happy and feel positive emotions. I know some people probably think "That's it?" Considering that Shadow Moth preys on people's negative emotions, such a power is actually extremely useful facing Shadow Moth. (And let's not forget, that while that's her power, she has the ability to fight and make a difference just from being transformed too) BUT AWWW Juleka's wish! And her face when Pigella said it aloud. ;-; Am I the only one wondering if Pigella may someday use her power on Shadow Moth and that's how they learn his motive? I'm so impressed with how Rose knew how to handle everything. She knew she can't slip up with Juleka. She knew to sneak away to detransform and come back as Rose. She knew to subtly give the Miraculous back so nobody would ever know she had it. Even Chat Noir had no idea! I don't know why, I'm just so very proud of that. "She doesn't need a Miraculous to be a superhero." She really has the characteristics of one, and I can't wait to see more of Pigella. Also I'm really wondering. This scene here:

All the kids that are part of that friend group are there...except Marinette and Adrien, of course. Alya knows why Marinette isn't there. But is she wondering about why Adrien isn't there too? LOL Marinette being like "I'm taking your pillow back, sorry! Gotta wait for it like everyone else." and the boys being like LE GASP. Marinette's right, she's not fragile! The fact Rose jokes with her and makes everyone laugh, and Chloe saying "Hey, why doesn't everyone laugh when I say something like that?!" Adrien: Because in your case, it's never a joke. Chloe: Hm, that's true. Which is super funny, especially how he just so casually says it. But also it really shows again how Chloe wants to be liked. She wishes the kids would laugh when she makes comments, but it's because they're said in a serious/obnoxious way, instead of making light of something like in Rose's case here, that they don't. I know she talked about it with Ladybug in an episode, but it again shows that that's what she'd like. All that needs to happen is someone helping her get there. Maybe Zoe and Luka will somehow help with that later on. Anyway, this was a really great episode! I feel like some things might not make quite as much sense as they should if we got it in order, but what can you do when Gloob has to air them? Even a friend of mine who's been doing what she can to avoid spoilers, still got spoiled. She's having to delete tumblr to avoid future spoilers because people can't help themselves and tag things properly. So thanks Gloob. :P All we wanted was the episodes in order. We've waited this long for S4, we can wait a bit longer. But they gotta make money I guess. I'm glad other countries are trying their best to keep it in order anyway. c: Guiltrip also has some really great Adrienette moments, and covered a more serious topic which was really interesting and shows how much the show's changing. Especially with some of the choice of camera angles and movements! Like the zoom-in on the door with Adrien and Marinette, the boys LE GASP scene. Very cool artistic choices! Looking forward to the episodes that come before this one to try to help fill in some of the gaps! And apologies to those that frequently read these posts from me, I started writing it up late and couldn't finish so you get it the day after instead. xD

#ml #miraculous ladybug #ml spoilers #ml season 4 spoilers #guiltrip spoilers #adrienette #juleka couffaine #rose lavillant #adrien agreste #marinette dupain-cheng #thoughts and reaction to guiltrip #miraculous tales of ladybug and chat noir #miraculous ladybug spoilers

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mooniefics · 4 years ago

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— the hands that beckon me

pairing : zeke jaeger / reader

word count : 1.9k

tags : emotional hurt / comfort, relationship discussion, pillow talk, insecure zeke :(

summary : zeke is finally home, on a brief layover from the war, and you both finally get around to having that tough discussion you've been putting off for far too long.

— originally posted 1 / 21 / 21 on ao3 —

"what do you do while i'm gone?"

your skin was still hot from being pressed over his when he asked, thrumming with a warmth you hadn't felt yet craved so deeply for months. you turned to face him from your place on your back in bed, pressing into his side, peering curiously at his profile. you'd missed seeing him like this, out of his ironed, pristine uniform, hair messy from your fingers running through it, sharp features warmed with the flush of passion, unobscured by his glasses, eyes and voice sleepy and relaxed rather than alert and tight with self-awareness.

"what do you mean?" your reply was soft, almost playful to counter his matter-of-fact delivery, reaching out to draw your fingers across his firm, bare chest.

"i mean what keeps you busy? what do you do for fun?"

>readmore<

the war with the mid-east allied forces had been dragging on for just about two years now, and there seemed to be no end in sight, but after the marleyan army managed to snatch a victory from the jaws of defeat on foreign soil, the news came to your internment zone that the soldiers would be returning on a brief layover as the countries' political leaders decided whether or not they'd be willing to smooth things over in a more peaceful manner.

this afternoon you had been there at the gates with his grandparents, barely able to stand still beside them as all three of you waited wordlessly with baited breath, balancing up on your tiptoes, straining to peek over the crowd to catch a glimpse of him. while others were stood by with looks of unmasked dread—men with clenched jaws and stiff shoulders, women with tears brimming their eyes, children tugging at sleeves and already crying with impatience—you felt an uncontainable joy. it was humbling to look around at all the panicked faces, to remember that not every family had the luxury of your confidence, the almost guaranteed certainty that the one you loved would return. but you couldn't help the blinding smile that broke out across your face as he ambled through the crowd, tired, well-kept, but looking warmly down at you and his family.

you had let him to greet them first, they were his blood relatives after all, but only after he'd finished giving his grandmother a tight hug and exchanging affectionate words did you allow yourself to throw your arms around him, burying your face into his shoulder and breathing in his rich scent of gunpowder, pine, just a faint hint of cigarettes, melting easily into his strong embrace. you and zeke had wandered back alongside the older couple to their home, sharing a calm, easy dinner where zeke relayed what information he could to them about the status of the ongoing battle, but you were just itching to have some time to yourself with him.

you'd spent hours cleaning your quaint little home a few streets down, agonizing over every little detail despite how you knew he didn't mind whatever state it was in, just that you were there. and as soon as you'd both said your friendly goodbyes and made it through the door of your home, he was pulling you along to the bedroom, legs having memorized the path of weaving through the living room and kitchen and down the hall to the door on the left.

he was impatient, as he always was when he was tugging you out of your clothes, but sensual all in the same when he pressed his lips onto yours, murmured soft, longing words in your ear, hands squeezing and grabbing, reacquainting themselves with your soft figure. you both didn't last long—how could you when you were so eager—but felt satisfied all the time after everything was said and done, lowering back onto the mattress, flushed and panting, a faint sheen of sweat shimmering over your skin. his question just now had puzzled you. it was simple, but you knew it hid something deeper, he'd never asked something of that nature in all the time he'd been coming back and going away.

"well.. not much really. i go to work at the jewelry shop, have tea with your grandmother on thursdays, wander around the market if i feel up to it, help mary from down the street with her boys if she needs it."

you faltered at the mention of her, not remembering whether you'd seen her husband when you'd met with zeke at the entrance to the zone. you forced yourself not to frown. how selfish of you, you didn't even bother to check on her before you allowed yourself to be whisked away for the night.

he seemed to notice your sudden dismay, wrapping a comforting arm around you as he spoke, "you mean aksoy?" you nodded. "he made it back on the train alright. drunk off his ass, but alive."

you breathed a small sigh of relief, offering up a small smile at him. "good to hear."

and though his lips curled back in a similar expression, it didn't quite reach his eyes, and you only felt further perturbed by how his gaze briefly flickered elsewhere. "why do you ask?" you prompted, fingers trailing up his neck to rest at his jaw, gently turning him to face you again.

"just curious, is all.."

you could sense that he was lying, but about what you didn't quite know. "come on, zeke, we've known each other since we were kids. you don't think i know when you're hiding something?"

he hummed, the corners of his eyes creasing as an easy, genuine grin graced his features. "i apologize for underestimating your lie detecting skills."

you couldn't help but giggle softly at his words, thumb stroking over his warm cheek, body fitting perfectly against his. he was really here. finally, after all this waiting, he had come back to you, even if only for a few weeks that would surely fly past in an instant.

"i don't really know how to say this.." he seemed uncharacteristically sheepish, grey eyes traversing over your face, onto a far wall of the room, then up to the ceiling for a brief moment before it finally wandered back to you, "i guess you could say it started with me feeling a bit guilty, leaving you here all by yourself."

"i can bear the wait, you know that. as long as i know that i'll get to see you." for now, came the silent addendum.

he had three years left, barely a quarter remaining in his term, but you didn't broach the topic, and he seemed just as content putting off the discussion as you were. your relationship was easy, in a sense. there was never any squabbling over when the two of you would move in, or when he would retire from his position and settle down, milestones such as marriage and children were never issues. but there were days where you wished they were, though you'd never admit it.

just like how you'd never admit to the warm burn of envy that sparked to life when a man came into the shop you worked at searching for a ring for his partner, a spark that inevitably gave way to a cool emptiness settling deep into your chest, swallowing up your heart and balling an uncomfortable lump in your throat by the time you'd helped him choose out just the perfect jewel and sent him on his way.

"i know that, but," he swallowed, licking his lips, "sometimes i'm afraid that you're getting bored."

"bored?" the word felt strangely odd on your tongue, your own eyes blinking at him.

"bored." he reaffirmed, frowning slightly as he continued, "you see other people your age—our age—every day, don't you? when you go to the market, when you're at work, hell, even when you're spending time with your friends, you see people with lives, with structure." you knew the exact words that were coming next, but the impact of them hurt all the same. "people who don't have the thought of how time is running out hanging over their head."

it was you who turned away this time, feeling your lower lip tremble, eyes suddenly watering despite how you wished not to cry. all those complicated feelings you'd pushed down in favor of relishing in your feigned ignorance, of pretending that zeke was just a normal soldier with normal duties who was just lucky enough to come back each time. you'd always politely brushed your friends off when they'd pestered you of the absence of a ring on your finger, asking when you'd have children of your own rather than always being there to help them take care of theirs, you swept their concerns aside with a rehearsed smile because you didn't want to come to terms with the fact that you wanted those things for yourself.

the pill of zeke's looming mortality was hard enough to swallow on its own, all without mentioning how the love you shared was so rich yet so fleeting, fruitful yet futile all at once. you had no words to offer him, but your silence seemed to be enough of a reply, a forlorn, almost remorseful look settling over his handsome features.

"perhaps— perhaps you should search for someone else." you felt your stomach knot and twist, sorrow bubbling up like a geyser from below, biting at your cheek as to not let your shaky breaths spill from your mouth, "you're beautiful, it would really be no trouble at all for you to find someone—someone who can give you a good life. a fulfilling life."

"but.. there's still time left, isn't there?" your voice was quiet, thick with restrained tears, "there's still time for us."

"it isn't fair to you."

"it wouldn't be fair to you either if i left now." your brows knitting together, expression strained as you felt warmth trickle down your face, dripping down your chin onto his shoulder. "do you want me to leave?"

he looked away, hesitating just enough to make more droplets bead at your lashes before he shook his head, drawing a crooked finger across your cheek to catch a few stray tears. again, that disdain at your own selfishness came. he was worried for you, ruminating own his own impending death, trying to soften the blow of it for you at the expense of his own happiness, yet all you could do was cry at the thought of parting with him in any voluntary way.

"you're the one i want." you whispered, sniffling, "i knew what i was getting into at the start of all this, the things that i would miss, the things i would have to give up on, but they can wait. i can't be without you, not if i know that i can spend a single moment longer like this, loving you."

the sun had sank low in the sky, light abandoning the two of you in the dark of your room, alone with your shared, trembling breaths, his frown and distant eyes, your tears and imploring gaze. you felt weary in many ways as you allowed yourself to settle back onto his chest, closing your eyes at the feeling of his arm tightening its grasp around you, holding you close, a silent plea to stay just as you were.

he didn't speak, not another word of uncertainty exchanged, but you knew that he understood. he was here, and as long as that was the case you would always wait, keep turning down the hands that beckoned you, rescind your domestic desires for the sake of clinging to this one rare, importunate, lovely thing you had—clinging to him.

#zeke yeager #zeke jaeger #zeke yeager x reader #zeke yeager x you #zeke jaeger x reader #snk zeke #zeke yeager angst #zeke jaeger angst

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toomanyfandoms02 · 5 years ago

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Birthday // Spencer Reid x Reader

So I got this idea from @darnittumbleweed 's recent post about how grateful Spence must be when he gets gifts and people remember birthdays bc of his mom sadly forgetting them when he was a kid.

Summary - Reader accidentally finds out it's Spencer's birthday and she decides to surprise him with some gifts.

Word count - 2.3k

I adjusted my light purple blazer, tucking it farther into my pencil skirt as I walked through the doors of the bullpen. I was a bit earlier than usual, but I was not surprised to see Spencer already parked at his desk with a book in hand. His feet were propped up on his desk, making his legs look even longer.

The I saw a wallet laying open on the ground, a few feet from his desk.

I kneeled, grabbing the older looking leather wallet from the carpet. I immediately saw Spencer's ID picture sitting in the front clear pocket.

*Sex: M --- Eyes: BRO --- Hgt.: 6' -01'' --- Wgt.: 175 --- DOB: 10/28/1981*

I furrowed my eyebrows at this, that was today's date. Spencer turns 29 today.

I had heard from JJ how private Spencer was about events like this. They just became like any other day to him as he grew up. His mom had not remembered holidays and birthdays from a pretty young age, so he treated them like another regular day too. JJ, and I'm sure Hotch, were the only ones who knew of his birthday. He must have told them to not make a big deal of it, he wasn't much of a partier. Fine then, I wouldn't throw him a party.

"I think you dropped this." I set his wallet on his desk, folded closed. He peeked over his book, eyes widening a bit.

"Oh thanks! Where did you find it?" He say up straighter, laying his book on his desk. I pointed to the ground a few feet away. "Well, thanks again y/l/n." I nodded, heading to my desk.

I shamelessly spent the whole day looking for things to buy for Reid. I was aiming for things from Doctor Who, so I looked up the stock from geek stores in our mall. I had decided on two gifts, and I was going to buy them after work.

My heels clicked loudly on the tile floor of the mall. I was getting frequent stares from passersby as I walked through the crowded halls. I *did* look a little overdressed to be in the mall, but to be completely honest, I was on a mission. And I wasn't going to waste time changing because that would just postpone the time that I would get to see Spencer's smiling face.

I walked into 'ThinkGeek', peering to the back where I saw a Doctor Who section.

"Hiya! Is there something I can help you with." Though the worker didn't show it *clearly* on her face, but I could see the slight confusion in her eyes. Again, I did look a *little* out of place.

"I'm looking for a few specific things that I checked your guys' stock for with the help of a friend."

"Only workers can check our in store stock here. Are you Sarah's friend?" She gestured to a lady at the counter with bright pink hair.

"Uh, no." I slowly pulled out my FBI credentials and discreetly showed them to her. "I had our tech analyst check for me because I need these gifts for a friend." She nodded in understanding, looking just a bit frightened. I explained to her what I needed and she took me to the items. It wasn't long until I was being rung up.

"That'll be $31.82." I slid her the money. "This is a gift right? Do you want it wrapped? We wrap for an extra 2 bucks."

"That would be awesome!" I put two more dollars on the counter.

"So," she tied the bow on the first present, "is this for a boyfriend?" I blushed and narrowed my eyes a bit. She put her hands up in surrender, "Or girlfriend?" I sighed a bit with a laugh.

"No no, he's a coworker."

"Some coworker he must be if you're spending," she peered at my receipt, "nearly 34 dollars on him. A birthday I'm guessing?"

"Are you trying to profile me?" I asked, quirking my eyebrow.

"Are you trying to profile *me*?"

"Fair enough." I laughed. She slid me the boxes and handed me my receipt. "Thank you for wrapping these."

"Get that man boo!" She shouted as I left the store. I gave her a firm thumbs up and started heading to my car so I could give these to the man in question.

That was until I forgot about a card.

I turned back into the mall and went into Barnes and Noble. I quickly had a worker direct me towards the cards and I found a perfect one with a Tardis that said 'All the time-travel in the world won't make you any younger.'

I giggled and brought it up to the register.

"Is it this special someone's birthday *today*?" I nodded. "Well I have a coupon for a free cupcake from our cafe." She slid me the thin piece of paper.

"Thank you so much!" I grabbed the card and headed to the cafe and getting him a vanilla cupcake. After all of that, I was finally, *actually*, heading to Spencer's.

I pulled into his apartments parking lot, unbuckling and gathering the gifts. I took the stairs up to apartment 23 and knocked on the door. I heard slow footsteps approach the door and stop for a moment. I assumed he was looking through the peep hole so I hid the presents behind me, skillfully stacked onto one hand and waved. He opened the door immediately.

"Hey y/n! What are you doing here? And what's behind your back?" He tried to look over my shoulders, which wasn't hard to do with his towering frame. I backed up into the stairs railing so he couldn't see.

"You promise you won't be mad if I tell you?" I could see worry cross his features.

"That depends. But it's hard to stay mad at you." His face softened.

"Ok well," I pulled the small boxes and card from behind me, "happy birthday."

His eyes widened, and then, unexpectedly, a giant grin spread across his lips.

"How did you know?"

"When I picked your wallet up, I saw your ID. So, I decided to get you a couple things." He ushered me in the house as I handed him the card. He smiled even bigger, reading the card.

"You remembered that I like Doctor Who?"

"Okay, first of all, who doesn't know you like Doctor Who? And two, I remember a lot of things about you, nerd." I elbowed his side lightly. He gestured for me to sit on his couch with him as I handed him the boxes wrapped in white wrapping and blue bows, along with the clear box with the cupcake in it.

"Thank you for the cupcake." He chuckled.

"Yeah! The chick at the counter gave me a coupon for it." I smiled.

He opened the thinner, longer box first. I revealed a Tardis tie.

"Y/n-"

"I didn't think you had a tie like that so as soon as I saw it I knew I had to get it. I'm sorry if you already have one."

"Y/n, this is so cool! Where did you get it?" He pulled it from the box and looked at it closer. He was already loosening his current tie to try it on.

"It's a store in the mall, ThinkGeek. They've got a lot of nerdy stuff there. It's where I get my Harry Potter stuff." I blushed a bit, having just revealed a nerdy part of me that I didn't tell many people about.

"I love it!" He was now standing in front of a mirror, tightening it around his neck and smiling like a little kid who just got a puppy. He came back to the couch, leaving it on and tearing the wrapping on the second one. It was a Tardis mug.

"And you were talking about how we didn't have enough mugs at the office, so I thought you could have your own. Plus, everyone will know it's yours."

He stared into the mug with a look that I couldn't exactly read.

*Did I trigger a bad memory?*

Right as I thought that, he looked up at me with the same expression. All I could tell was, whatever he was trying to express, it was behind those honey brown eyes. ~~the ones I was always getting lost in~~ He set the mug on the coffee table and leaned towards me.

He hugged me.

He hugged me tighter than I have ever been hugged.

I wrapped my arms around him, squeezing him back. I could have sat like that forever, but we sat for probably half a minute.

"I thought you didn't like hugs."

"I don't usually, but, I don't know." He looked down at his hands, quite literally twiddling his thumbs. "This just, means a lot to me. I didn't think someone paid enough attention to me to not only get me things from my favorite show, but things that I have mentioned randomly in a conversation." He looked up in realization, and now my heart was pumping *way* too fast. "You *like* me, don't you?" My eyes widened to, I'm sure, the size of the mug I had gotten him.

"What? Uh, no. I just thought, you just never, no."

"Yes! Yes you do!" He stood up smiling at me, like he just had a *massive* breakthrough. "Look, you're blushing, that's involuntary sign of attraction. And you haven't broken eye contact with me this whole time! Even though you want to. And you're talking in a lower pitch than usual. A person will change the tone and pitch of their voice when speaking to someone they’re attracted to. Specifically, women tend to lower their vocal tone when around an attractive person. You have been fidgeting this whole time."

I could feel my face get hotter and hotter with everything he pointed out. I felt extremely vulnerable. My face was not only involuntarily blushing, it was involuntarily making quite the frightened face. I realized this when he put his hands up in surrender and his face softened from the smug grin that was previously plastered to it.

"Oh! Are you okay?" He leaned over his coffee table at me and I leaned farther into his couch. He smiled again, "Do you not understand what I'm getting at?" He looked at me slightly dumbfounded.

"That I like you? Yeah I got it!" I snapped a bit. He closed his eyes and shook his head slightly.

"I do the exact some things." I squinted my eyes at him. "Do you not notice how *neither* of us ever break eye contact? I was just sitting next to you, fidgeting with my hands. You probably think my cheeks are naturally flushed, but that's just when I'm around you. I constantly catch myself lowering my voice when I'm having conversations with you. Some profilers we are, huh?" I smiled and leaned towards him, grabbing his face.

"Yeah, well, we aren't suppose to profile eachother anyway, cheater." I giggled, pulling him into a kiss. He grabbed the back of my neck deepening it.

"Giggling a lot from a woman is also a sign of attraction." He mumbled between kisses. I pulled apart from him with another giggle. He raised his eyebrows as I confirmed his theory.

"Whatever nerd." I pushed his chest.

"Seriously, thank you so much." He hugged me again. At this point we were both just standing in front of his coffee table. "I'm glad you found out it was my birthday today, because I'm not sure when I would have the courage for any of that again." He pushed a piece of hair behind my ear.

"Well you don't have to worry about that anymore. You have me now." His eyes lit up at that, kissing me again. We both smiled into the kiss, pulling eachother impossibly close. "I've gotta get home and feed my cat." I backed out from the kiss, watching him slightly follow, in hopes of another kiss.

"Are you free after work tomorrow?" He asked hopefully.

"What do you have in mind?"

"Dinner? Or we can watch a movie here?"

"How about both?" I winked.

"Perfect!" He pecked my lips one more time as I walked out the door. Just as it shut behind me I heard a not so quiet.

"Yes! Finally dumbass!" From him.

I giggled again as I walked down the stairs.

*What a convenient day for him to drop his wallett*

BONUS:

The next day I walked in to see Spencer drinking from his new mug and wearing his tie, paired with a regular white button up. I walked by his desk, tapping on the mugs rim.

"Nice mug." I winked and kept walking to my desk. He looked down at the coffee with a giddy smile.

"**I knew it! I knew it! Give me the money JJ you *loser**!" I heard Derek screech from the other side of the room. JJ rolled her eyes and handed him a ten. "My man's has got game!" He slapped a hand on Spencer's back.

"You guys couldn't have waited one more month?" JJ asked with a very annoyed expression.

"It's your guys fault for betting on us." I held my hands in surrender. Penelope then emerged from her office.

"Yay! Finally! Did you get him the tie and mug?! I adore it!" She hugged me from behind and placed a kiss on my cheek.

*This is my family*

#mgg #criminal minds #spencer reid #dr spencer reid #spencer reid x y/n #MGG #matthew gray gubler #matthewgraygubler #spencer reid one shot #spencer reid imagine #spencer reid fanfiction

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bohemiansweede · 5 years ago

Text

The Caregiver

Fanfic

Pairing Roger Taylor Reader

Warnings Smut 🔞

Agegap

A/N Please like and reblog or if you want leave a comment

Thank You

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- Oh Thank you so much Y/N, Mrs Lewis is my last one for the day but I really have to...

- It's ok Linda, I cover up for you, honestly.. It is ok.

I was so nice to everyone that I often forgot about myself, tonight it was my turn to cook on the chelter and before that my laundry really had to get organised... And the dishes, omg... Well it seamed that I had to do that one another night..

- You are such a rock Y/N.. How can I ever thank you? Mrs Lewis is a sweet old lady, you just have to be there on time and shop after her list, otherwise no problem.. Oh.. Right.. Almost forgot.. The bus.. Make sure you time it in.. It runs just once in an hour

- Ok, got it.. Have a nice dinner now.. Don't think about me, I smiled little sarcastic and headed out towards the bus stop

Jeez.. Well... I had nothing against helping people, the opposite frankly, I loved it, but it was a loooong time since I gaved myself some me time... And by that I should probably mention that it was about time that I had a good lay too..

With a cringy noise and a sigh, the bus stopped right by my feet

I asked the driver just in case where the closest stop was to the grocery store

The list was not that long but she was very specific what she wanted, down to the exact pound of cheese the special sausage at the butcher, her favourite olive oil, etc etc

I went in at butchers first and took it of the list, next was the post-office, I sighed.. There were tons of people inside and I just needed a few stamps for the letters. Just the thought of the fucking bus me freaked out.. Perhaps I should take the groceries first..

I went out again, it was a good choise to take my coat because it was cold today, but I still wore the shorter skirt from the lunch with Linda and that I regretted now

I grabbed a basket in the store and started to fill it.. The note was slightly wrinkled and it was little hard to see.. Usually I didn't have any problems with my eyes but..

- Ohh.. I.. ohh.. sorry..

I fell forward on my knees and almost grabbed a strangers legs

- Are you alright miss?

He reached out his hand

I looked up and saw straight up in a pair of gentle blue eyes

- Typical me... Ms Clumpsy..

I picked up the list from the floor which now also was dirty and wet

- Shopping for Mrs Lewis?

Guess she was well known

I brushed my knees of and took the basket which he had picked up from the floor

- Thank you, ehh.. yes.. Yes I am

- You better not be late then

He smiled and winked at me

I just stood and stared after him like my feets were glued to the floor, he was the most attractive man that I ever seen, maybe in his late 40's, the hair had just begun to turn grey and he had wrinkles around his eyes when he... Fuck.. The bus...

I sped up and went from isle to isle and grabbed my things.. There.. Just the olive oil then..

Of course on the top shelf

- Hello again.. Let me get that one for you dear

- Ohh.. H.. Hi..

My heart skipped a beat

He was soooo handsome and.. Yes... Hot.. Could I say a man in my dad's age was hot?

- We have to stop meeting like this.. I'm Roger

I took his warm strong hand in mine, wonder if he was married.. kids

- Y/N

When the olive oil was in the basket I went to the cashier, I had pretty good time.. Until I froze...

- Shit...

I grabbed the stuff and ran out, the post office was still occupied with people and the bus would leave in 10...

- Fuck...

The little kind old lady would turn into a witch.. A monster or maybe worse...

A car pulled in next to me, and when the window went down I saw him...

- Looks like you need a ride love.., did you miss the bus?

How happy I was to see this man right yet again

He asked if I was new at this job, and I explained that it was not even my job, he said he was sure of that Mrs Lewis was going to be satisfied with me anyway and I didn't have to worry

- I wait in the car while you go in to her

- But.. The bus stop is...

- No, I don't want to hear it... I am right here ok?

I don't think Linda or anyone had delivered groceries that fast before, I even managed to borrow her phone to cancel the chelter dinner... I had totally different things in mind

- Y/N.. I.. I was wondering if you wanted a cup of coffee?

- Coffee?

I didn't want to laugh but he sounded so cute and little nervous

- Yeah.. I.. Well.. There is not much coffeeshops around here and and.. Ehh.. Well.. Damn... Thing is.. I can literally be your dad.. but..

I silenced him with my finger on his lips, he swallowed hard and let out a shaky breath

Then I could not hold it anymore, he was like gasoline on my body that had cached fire, I crashed my lips onto his and at once he opened his mouth and met my tongue, I moaned in his mouth and his fingers tangeled in my hair

- Ro.. Roger.. Let's go... home

- Mmmmm... I would love to.. But... You have let go of my shift gear hunnie...

We both laughed, the situation was kinda weird brutal.. comic.. sexy

His lips was still burning on mine, I couldn't stop looking at him now and then during the drive

He did a slight left turn up on a gravel road and I saw a huge mansion

- You live.. He.. here?

- Yea.. I do.. Every other week I am alone..

There was my answer, divorced.. kids

He stopped the car right outside the door and gaved my knee a gentle squeeze

- You don't change your mind dear?

- No... Not a chance...

He grabbed his bags and went straight the kitchen

I was totally amazed by the fireplace and how beautiful everything was.. Really tastefully decorated..

I suddenly felt his strong arms around me..

He kissed my hair and my neck and his warm breath made my skin prickle with tiny dots

- You are so beautiful hunnie.. so young.. Almost untouched..

- I am n..

- Ssscchhh... I want to discover you... It is MY first time with you..

He took my hand and I followed him upstairs into the bedroom

We stod across eachother and my heart was beating so hard that he must have heard it

He cupped my face with his big hands and kissed me, the kiss was more passionate yet hungry

I tried to unbutton his shirt but I just fumbled, he noticed what I was doing so he took over

- Let me take care of you now darling... It is your turn to relax

He did not know how right he had

As he enjoyed every moment, he took his time undressing me and exploring my body, he was so different, he was a gentleman he was older.. he knew what he was doing..

Every inch of me was covered by tiny tiny kisses and nibbles

- Roger.. I whimpered.. please..

- I know I know.. Soon...

I could not hold it anymore and he knew it, he kissed the sensitive skin above my breasts while he cupped them, I felt how hard he was towards my leg and he groaned a little when he finally circled my nipple with his tongue

- Ahhhh God ... Ohhh ..

It felt like electricity in my whole body, I grabbed his head and even if it felt so good what he was doing I needed more, I pushed his head down.. further down.. to my dripping core

He looked up at me and gaved me a mischievous smirk

That totally changed everything

He grabbed a pillow from next to me and tucked it under my butt, then he grabbed my thighs and pushed my legs wide apart

He took his palms under my ass so I opened up more for him, this man was an oral expert.. Shit... He sloppy kissed my pussy and dragged his flattened tounge up and down along my folds, I arched my back and tried to grab the sheets but he pinned me down

He then circled my clit so fast that my eyes rolled back in my head he sucked it in his mouth almost nibbled on it

- Ahhh shit Rog Fuck... Ahhhh damnit..

He continued to lick with a rapid pace and it was not long until my walls started to collapse

- Shit Omg I... Iam... Ahhhh Gooood... Ahhhh

I squirted on his tounge and he was quick to drink the full amount of me

- Mmm... You taste delicious mmm...

- Omg.. It was... Do you want me to...

- No... I said I wanted to take care of you...

He smirked and kissed his all the way up to my lips again..

- Now.. I didn't exactly plan this.. Are you...

He frowned a bit

- Yes, I am safe, I am on the pill..

- Glad you said that... Cause cannot fuckin wait any longer

I felt how his erected cock trailed near my entrance, after the tip was inside me it just took a few seconds for me to adjust to his size

- Omg hunnie, you feel so fuckin amazing.. Shit..

His head fell back and his pace increased, his hips snapped and I bucked my body up to meet his

- Ohhh Roger... Fuck.. Ahhh... Harder... Harder... Ohhh...

He took a grip on the bed frame and the other one he teared apart the sheets, sweat was dripping from his forehead down on my neck

I felt that he was close and I was not far behind myself

With almost pornographic sounds we came undone together, he emptied himself deep inside of me and my final contractions maked sure there was nothing left

- Ohh God.. You were amazing.. Truly amazing...

- Roger... Wow.. I... I have no words...

- Not so bad for an ol...

I smacked his upper arm

- Don't say it...

We laid tangled together for a bit, I could sense that he was thinking of something

- Are you sure you don't know who I am love?

I froze a little, what have I missed

- Should I... I mean... I am not from here...

He chuckled a little..

- Well... I don’t know if I should be honoured or nervous.. It was long time ago since nobody didn't know who I was

I was even more confused

Well... He was in late 40s.. Maybe he had put on some weight?... Hair.. Was it the hair? The glasses?

- I am hungry love, do you want something to eat?

- Sure.. OK...

He kissed me softly and he gaved me a bathrobe that I could borrow

I took a glimpse in the mirror.. I looked totally fucked, and I was.. but I happy too.. There could absolutely be something with this guy whoever he was.. Politics? No..

And kids? Fine.. As long as it is ok with the ex...

I bounced downstairs and heard him hum on something for himself in the kitchen

On the way there I passed a big wall... A wall full of gold disc's platinum records...

WOW... Really...

I palmed my forehead and did an eyeroll.. I had totally missed out that it was him

In the corner of my eye I saw that he was watching me and he walked in my direction

- I... I'm sorry... I didn't tell you

- And I'm sorry I didn't recognise you...

- Sssscchhh... You know what.. Mrs Lewis doesn't know either..

He kissed me softly

- So.. are you staying?

- I am not leaving.. Well.. Maybe just for posting a letter

🔷🔷🔷🔷🔷🔷🔷🔷🔷🔷🔷🔷

Enjoy more reading in my

#Roger taylor #Agegap #roger meddows taylor #roger taylor smut #roger taylor x reader #roger taylor imagine #Queen #queendom #queen band #queen smut #90s roger taylor #Fanfic #Smut

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doyelikehaggis · 5 years ago

Text

Rowing the Rarepair Rowboat: Joe West x Martin Stein (The Flash)

Requested by @light-miracles

Hearing the name was the first thing that tipped Joe off. When Barry said it while talking about Firestorm, he thought surely not.

Surely it's a different Martin Stein, somehow. He can't quite tell if he was hoping he was right or not, but he convinced himself he was, that it's all just a big coincidence.

But here he is, and there's Martin. Standing across from him in the Cortex of S.T.A.R. Labs. Despite it being well over a decade or so, he knows immediately that it's him.

Martin shifts slightly, eyes down, focused on nothing particularly interesting as the team talks away, unaware that neither of them are in their little bubble.

He saw him, Joe knows. They looked right at each other the second he walked into the room. He watched Martin's eyes widen behind those same glasses, the look of utter bewilderment on his face. And in came Barry and Iris and the rest of the team, going straight into introductions and figuring out a game plan.

Joe thinks it's a good thing; it gives him time to wrap his head around this properly, think through what to say when he gets the chance. But no matter what runs through his mind, nothing feels right. Nothing eases the twisting, churning mixture of feelings he's got going on inside of him right now.

"Joe?" Barry asks at last, snapping him out of his daze, dragging his eyes over to meet his slightly concerned gaze. "Does that sound okay?"

In all truth, Joe has no idea what the hell Barry just said. His eyes dart off to the left.

"Uh, what? Sorry, didn't catch that last part."

Martin's eyes flick to him for the second time since he walked in.

"I asked if you could stay here with Stein, make sure everything's okay here while we head out to catch the Meta," Barry repeats gently, and Joe's aware that he's gonna get a few questions about this later.

For now, he nods. "Yeah, yeah, of course. Just be back soon, alright? There's only so long I can stay away before Singh comes back to revoke captain from me."

Barry laughs at that. He promises, and he, Cisco, and Ralph head out while Caitlin and Iris relocate to the lab in the back of the room to go over what they have so far on one of their other cases.

Leaving just him and Martin. Alone again.

Martin clears his throat and Joe lifts an eyebrow an inch, watching him, waiting with this annoying little flutter in his chest.

"So..." Martin starts uncertaintly, but he's looking at him, right in his eyes. "It's been quite a long time, hasn't it?"

Joe makes a quiet noise at that, half a snort, half a chuckle. "I guess forty-six years is a long time, yeah, you could say that."

Martin falters, as if he thought maybe he wouldn't remember. Or at least wouldn't know how long in exact numbers.

He draws in a deep breath, then nods.

"Things have certainly..." he lifts a hand to gesture at him, letting it fall back to his side a second later, "...changed. I hear you're a detective now."

"Well, I was majoring in law when we met, that shouldn't be all that surprising," Joe points out.

Martin smiles. It almost feels forced. Sad.

"It's not. I'm happy for you," he says, sincere. "And rather proud. Working part-time out of a lab? I thought you once said that science just 'wasn't your thing'."

"Oh, it's still not." Joe shakes his head, making a face as he glances around. "I'm just here to help out with the arrests and legal side of things, and because of Iris."

He stops after he says it. It hadn't really processed in his mind before it left his mouth. Martin's still wearing that smile, nodding now. He's got that look in his eyes; he always used to get it before, when he was trying to hide something.

"Yes. Iris. Your daughter. She's rather lovely. And a lot like you, from what I've seen."

"Well..." Joe shrugs. "I did raise her alone from the age of eleven. Guess some things just sort of stuck."

There's a flicker of surprise in Martin's expression. He doesn't comment on it, doesn't ask. Joe's admittedly a little relieved. Telling him about Francine just isn't a conversation they need to be having right now.

"I imagine you're incredibly proud of her," Martin says. "You should be. She's been nothing but kind to me since I got here. Very intelligent. Would make an excellent detective as well."

"Yeah, that's what she said when she wanted to sign up. I talked her out of it."

Martin nods, as if that makes complete sense to him. There's a glint in his eyes.

"You did say you'd never let your child go through the same tedious process as you did," he says. "It's good to see not everything is different now."

Joe hums in the back of his throat. He swallows and waves a hand vaguely at him.

"And--hey, I heard you have a kid, too. A daughter? Caitlin talks a lot about her. They went to some college together, I think?"

Martin nods again, though looks a little thrown. "Yes. They did. Lily is rather fond of her."

"And... her mother sounds lovely."

Caitlin's mentioned her a couple times as well from what he can remember of the snippets of casual conversation. Just little things about going with Lily for family dinners.

The comment definitely catches Martin by surprise. Joe doesn't really know what he's expecting, but he hates that a little part of him is waiting with so much anticipation and dread, already regretting saying it at all.

"Yes," Martin says again, then shakes his head, clearing his throat. "Yes, she is rather extraordinary. A brilliant mother, too."

That same part of Joe sinks. It's just a little stab in his chest, nothing too painful, but still enough.

He presses his lips into what he can muster of a smile. "That's good. I'm happy for the two of you."

Something seems to register. Martin rubs at his jaw with his left hand. It's an old habit, a nervous tick he used to have and apparently still does, and that's why it takes Joe a moment to notice the lack of a ring.

His eyes widen a touch in realization before Martin even speaks. He wasn't going to say anything about it himself; like he said, things have changed since they knew each other. For all he knew, feelings and a whole lot more could have as well.

"Clarissa and I are no longer together," Martin tells him. He pauses, lifts his eyes to meet his. "We divorced a few years back. After I told her the truth."

The truth. "Oh," Joe says slowly.

"It was for the best," Martin says, shrugging. "I loved her more than anything, but..."

"But you weren't being honest with yourself," Joe fills in the blanks.

Martin stares at him. "Precisely."

They both know, the unspoken thing between them, desperately calling out for one of them to just acknowledge it.

Rehearsing possible lines in his head hasn't done him any good. It's like there's this giant elephant just sitting in the corner of the room and they're both supposed to pretend it's not there. But Joe's never really been all that great at ignoring things.

"I feel like I should be apologizing," he says, chuckling nervously.

Martin's brow furrows. "For what?"

Joe tilts his head and softens his voice. "You know what. All of it. I just..." He sighs, shaking his head now, trying to find the right words to explain.

"You weren't the one who ended things between us, Joe," Martin says quietly. "If anything, I should be the sorry one."

"No, I shouldn't have pushed you like I did," he says. "I got too caught up in it all. I thought that everything would magically be perfect after college."

"You can't blame yourself for liking the idea of a perfect world or wanting to get a little lost in a romance."

Joe just shakes his head again, pressing his lips together, a knot pulling tight in his stomach.

"I was the one who pushed you away, remember?" Martin points out, stepping closer. His hands are moving as he talks, palms up, like he always used to do. "I shouldn't have, I know that now, but I got scared."

"Of course you were scared," Joe scoffs, gesturing around them. "The world was terrifying back then--still is! Our entire relationship was against the law and every second day there was some news story about people like us dying."

Even just remembering it makes him sick to his stomach. The fear that was instilled in him. In Martin. They always tried to push it away, focus on the good between them. But it was harder, and the secrecy didn't help.

Martin stops in front of him. The look on his face is so familiar, it reminds him that not everything has changed. The way he's looking at him. A small comfort settles in his chest.

"That's why I had thought that what I was doing for the best. Ending things for both our sakes before it even really started. But--"

Martin shakes his head, his mouth stretching up into that smile. His shoulder sink and he sighs.

"I still regret it," he says. "To this very day. I thought that that day was the last I would ever see you, and I've spent forty-six years since wishing it had gone differently. I never wanted to lose you from my life."

Joe's biting his cheek so hard he worries it might bleed. He breathes slowly, his eyes stinging, and he blinks, glancing away from him.

"Yeah, that was the part I hated the most," he says, his voice tight and straining to his own ears. The pain is finally sinking back in after being ignored for all those years, and it's a lot heavier than he thought it would be.

"I really did love you, you know," Martin says softly.

Joe nods, biting harder. He meets his gaze again, and it's taking everything in him.

"I know," he tells him, sincere. He never doubted it, not really. "I loved you, too."

Neither of them knows what to say now. It's like they've torn the barely healed skin off of an old wound, ripping it open to bleed out all over again. The elephant is gone.

"Hey, dad?"

Joe's eyes widen and he quickly blinks, looking over at Caitlin's makeshift lab to see Iris peering out out of the doorway. It was easy to forget they were only separated by two panes of glass with no actual door.

"Yeah, baby?" he asks, hoping that she didn't notice.

"Would you be able to do a coffee run for us?" she asks, and smiles widely. "Please?"

Relief sinks in. She seems blissfully unaware of anything that just happened, her attention clearly caught up in the work.

He chuckles, and nods. "Yeah, sure. But, uh..."

He glances at Martin, uncertain. Martin smiles back at him and shrugs.

"I'll come with you. I doubt anyone's going to attack me in the middle of a coffee shop."

"I wouldn't be too sure about that, we've seen stranger," Joe says, and Iris agreez.

Martin's smile widens. "I'll have to take my chances then. Believe me, I need some fresh air, as lovely as this place is."

"Great!" Iris says. "Oh, and could you maybe throw in a croissant or something? Cait's hungry and threatened to eat me."

"Hey! You're the one who said that!"

Joe shakes his head at them, rolling his eyes. He gestures to the entrance and starts walking, Martin going with him.

"Be back soon!" Iris calls to them.

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jd-loves-everyone · 5 years ago

Text

Chapter 2: Kim Seungmin

I don't remember exactly when it happened, but I know that it was during his mom's (my mom's best friend) birthday, that I met Kim Seungmin.

The moment I stepped into the house, I could tell that, despite being a single mother, Ms. Kim was doing very well for herself. I can't really recall what her job was exactly, but I think it had something to do with tourism.

And as I stepped into the wide living room, I could guess that the party would probably get boring pretty quickly, if not downright annoying. This because of the too high number of kids (much younger than me) that I could see walking (some crawling) around, along with who I assumed were their mothers sat on the sofa, sipping champagne and laughing (obnoxiously) loudly.

"Oh my, is this your little girl? She does look just like you, I have to agree." I turned my attention back to the host, an adult woman (on the younger side) dressed to the nines with expensive and incredibly shiny jewelry. Ms. Kim. I greeted her politely, while standing next to my proudly grinning mother.

"She truly is a beauty. I bet the boys go crazy over you. Oh, you must be around my son's age, I'm sure he'd LOVE to meet you! Seungmin, darling! Come over here, meet Hana, Mrs. Park's daughter. She's just a year older than you, I believe."

A hazelnut brown haired boy walked over from the living room sofa, where he had been sitting, surrounded by children.

Despite being younger, Seungmin was quite a bit taller than me, with broad, but shyly hunched shoulders covered by a simple but expensive-looking pale pink sweater, paired with blue jeans and black sneakers (all seemingly of the same, high, level of quality). His hair was wavy and looked incredibly soft, covering his forehead and only showing a small sliver of the middle of it. He had a long angled face, ending at a square chin, with a mole next to his mouth and a straight nose. For some reason he reminded me of a puppy, a beagle to be exact. No idea why.

He smiled tightly and politely, the type of smile most would show in a situation like the current one. I could bet he would look much cuter with a genuine smile.

"Well, why don't you two go and get to know each other? Me and Mrs. Park over here, have a lot of catching up to do." Ms. Kim said jokingly, laying a hand on mine and Seungmin's shoulders and gently directing us back to the living room, as both ladies walked to the balcony. Ms. Kim took out a cigarette as they did. I could have guessed she smoked, no amount of expensive perfume (even if it was a lot of it) could fully cover that distinct smell of smoke.

I sat next to Seungmin on the couch, opposite of where the other older women were sitting, chatting loudly, still. In clear contrast to them, were us, sitting in absolute and tense silence.

Every time I thought of starting a conversation, I talked myself out of it, thinking that he'd do it instead. But he never did. He seemed pretty content with just sitting in relative (but definitely awkward) silence.

I quickly grew annoyed at having to listen to the women screech about everything that didn't matter in the slightest to me, like the latest trends and who was dating who at the moment. So, I turned toward Seungmin to try to figure out what he was thinking of the situation.

Unlike what I imagined, I turned to find him fidgeting and squirming in his seat while his eyes darted around the crowded room. Seeing as he showed outwardly what I was feeling inside, I decided to finally try to evade the situation.

"Look, I don't wanna be here. And clearly, neither do you. So, you know any place we could go to where it isn't so loud?" I asked somewhat impatiently making my accidental companion flinch from the suddenness of my question, scrambling for an answer.

"Well, my room has a balcony. It's pretty quiet there, I think."

"Then, what are we waiting for? Let's get out of here before I lose any more brain cells from listening to whatever uselessness those ladies are talking about over there." I said exasperated, already getting up from my seat as Seungmin quickly did the same. That seemed to make his lips twitch slightly. It was gone the next second, as if it had never been there to begin with, which piqued my curiosity: 'what would his real smile look like?', I wondered.

We headed to his room (thankfully unnoticed as I didn't want to even try and explain the situation we were in). It was big, but seemed smaller than it actually was due to all the clutter littered around. Despite this it still seemed to be very aesthetically pleasing, as the warm brown walls paired with the yellow string lights hanging around the room (which I only noticed after he flicked the light switch) and the soft and fluffy caramel carpet created a soothing and cozy atmosphere. A detail that caught my attention almost immediately after the lights were on (besides the string lights) were the various printed photos hanging from ropes on more than one of the room’s walls. It just helped with making the room feel as if it had been taken straight out of an interior design catalog.

Upon closer inspection, as Seungmin busied himself with trying to open the sliding door to the balcony, the pictures didn’t look anywhere near what I’d expected. They certainly didn’t look like the work of an amateur, the angles were creative and eye catching and the light and framing always seemed to be just right in each and every one. I was caught off guard by the quality of all of them for a moment, before my eye caught onto something atop a shelf to my right. A VERY expensive-looking white camera.

I realized it made sense as I thought back to the car ride from my suburban house to the apartment complex where he lived, in the fancier part of town.

Seungmin groaned in frustration as he struggled to open the balcony door.

“Is it jammed? Do you need my help?” I ask as I watched him wrestle with it for a moment longer before taking a deep breath and turning toward me.

“No, it’s not and no, I don’t. This door just needs a little… finessing, is all. So don't worry about it.” He tried reassuring before going back to trying to tug the door open, although with how skinny his arms looked (even under his fashionably bulky sweater), I had my doubts that he would be able to get the door open.

But I was proven wrong as, only a moment later, (by means of finesse indeed) he was finally able to open the hellish glass door.

“It’s old and I use it a lot, so it needs to be fixed, which we were supposed to do a while ago but whatever. Doesn’t matter. Come on.” He said absentmindedly, finally stepping outside. I quickly followed suit.

Once I stepped foot onto the white-tiled floor, I was hit with a gust of wind which brought with it an air much colder than the atmosphere inside the house had been like. And I mean MUCH colder, to the point where it didn't even help cool down my steaming cheeks, (which I only realized were so at that moment) only serving to basically freeze them instead. But I have to say, the view was worth it.

Living in the suburbs had a lot of perks in comparison to this part of town, such as the peace and quiet, and how everyone seemed to know each other. But I realized in that moment that none of it could compare to the view of the city skyline at night from Seungmin's balcony.

The lights of the buildings in the distance seemed to shine like stars and the shape of the tall and skinny buildings of the city were such a stark contrast to what I was used to that I just couldn't tear my eyes away. Of course I could hear the sounds of traffic from my house, but the night seemed much quieter than I had expected. The whole atmosphere was so different that it seemed so captivating to me just because of my curiosity.

It seemed like my curiosity wasn't wholly to blame for my astonishment at the scene, as Seungmin quickly disappeared back into his room to fetch something, as I leaned onto the metal railing, eyes still locked onto those bright lights that reflected off of the shiny windows of the fancier buildings. The city really never slept, I realized.

The boy returned not a moment later, camera in hand as he stood beside me, pointing it at where I was looking, then fiddling with some buttons before the sound of a photo being taken sounded over the now calmer wind, all as I observed him keenly.

As he continued to take his photos, seemingly unbothered by my staring, I turned back to the view, laying my cheek against my palm as I gazed at the sky. It made me think about how (unfortunately), because of all the artificial lights, I couldn't see the stars. But it made sense to me, in a very weirdly poetic way. If you can see all these "stars" on earth, why would you even look for stars in the sky? Plus, with the life people led these days, I guess it didn't really matter much.

I was brought out of my reverie by movement at the corner of my eye. Seungmin had raised his pristine white camera, aiming it at the side of my face, seemingly framing the shot, before pulling his face away from the viewfinder to look at my face himself but keeping his hands in the exact same place.

"Um... I know this is weird but, can I take a picture of you?" He asked nervously, but seemingly eager.

"Sure, why not?" I answered nonchalantly, trying my best to keep down the blush that threatened to spread across my cheeks, despite the cold. To even think that someone like him, who seemed close to a professional's level at such a young age, would consider including me in one of his photographs was flattering enough, much less making me the center of it.

I tried my best to relax and focus on the soft clicks the device emitted every time a photo was taken.

The boy finally parts from his machine, overlooking his work and nodding to himself, seemingly satisfied. He leaned the camera toward me so I could look at it myself and my breath is immediately taken from me.

I would never consider my appearance to be anything extraordinary (and I still wouldn't do it now) but perhaps it was Seungmin’s magic that made a picture of me look like so much more. The way the golden lights lit up my face by settling into the smooth planes of skin made it resemble liquid gold, dripping from the sky and thinly covering my exposed features. My eyes reflected the same lights, shining like stars in an endless and dark sky.

“Wow… Seungmin, you really have a talent.” I chucked, still astonished.

“I do have to say, this might be my best one yet. Can I…?”

“Keep it, it might be my face, but it’s your vision so it belongs to you in my eyes.” I shrugged, dismissively. He nodded gratefully, raising the camera once again towards the view beyond the balcony as I sat against the wall next to the door.

After a few minutes, Seungmin sat beside me with a satisfied smile on his lips and hair tousled from the wind that had picked up.

I felt an involuntary shiver crawl up my back as the cold air grazed my thinly covered arms. I subconsciously leaned closer to the brown haired boy, seeking for some warmth, as I remembered that I had left my jacket in the coat hanger by the front door, downstairs.

I sighed defeatedly, about to go get it, but it seemed as if my shiver had not gone unnoticed, as I had hoped. Seungmin got up before I could, walking back inside his room without a word. I looked at the door that he had gone through curiously.

Not even a second later, he stepped back out onto the balcony, with a tan, soft and warm looking coat in his hand. He held it out to me wordlessly, motioning for me to take it. I did so with a grateful smile and a small 'thanks'. It was still too small for my liking, though.

I wanted to know if his gums would show or if his eyes would disappear behind his cheeks.

“I think we should go inside now.” I suggested after the temperature had gone down too much for us to stay comfortably on the balcony any longer. Seungmin nodded, not finding the lights interesting enough to endure the cold air any longer.

We moved back inside and as Seungmin closed the sliding door behind us I took another look around the room. As I scanned the coffee-colored walls again, I noticed something that I seemed to have missed the first time I had examined the space, possibly due to the awkwardness I had felt as I stepped into the room of a boy I had only just met for the first time. I was a bit disappointed and confused as to how I could have missed it.

The wall opposite the one I had been inspecting as I waited for Seungmin to finally open the door, was covered (almost floor-to-ceiling) in photographs. Some were bigger than others, some seemed older than others, but they all had the same sort of… style to them. From how the light hit the subject in focus, to the angles, it all had the same artistic flare that would commonly be found in the most prestigious art galleries in the world. Maybe that was a bit of an overstatement, but it perfectly encapsulated what I felt as I looked at what I saw as indisputable masterpieces.

I let out a sound akin to a sigh, feeling as if the air had been knocked out of me. Sure, the picture Seungmin had taken of me on the balcony was unbelievably stunning, but that could be excused as luck. I never thought he’d be able to capture a moment so beautifully one other time, let alone enough times to cover almost an entire wall with.

“Wow… These are amazing, Seungmin.” I turned towards him as he stopped beside me, blushing at my praise.

“Oh, they’re nothing…” He said, looking down sheepishly.

“No! They really are! I may know next to nothing of photography, but it doesn't take an expert to see that you have an incredible talent or just remarkable skill.” I said earnestly, seeking out his eyes that had become hidden as his head lowered in shyness to prove my honesty, making him even more flustered as he tried his best to avoid my awe-stricken gaze.

“Well… I do spend a lot of time on it.” He relented, finally accepting my compliments, albeit rather bashfully.

“It shows.” I said firmly, turning back to the wall of moments.

From the corner of my eyes I caught a small, but more significantly sized, real smile, brought on probably by the ease in tension.

We spent the rest of the night in his room, getting to know each other. His smile (the real one) never left his lips as we talked about his love for photography. In fact, it only seemed to broaden the more we talked and the more relaxed we became. Its brightness never dimmed, even as we moved on to other topics, such as his other friends and what school he frequented. I found out that he didn’t have many friends, but he didn't seem to mind, he actually seemed to prefer it that way which made me feel like an exception. And, although I wouldn’t admit it, it made a warm feeling bloom in my chest.

As the night came to an end, we were called downstairs, back to the living room, where mine and Seungmin’s mom waited, alone as no one else remained in the space.

We bid each other goodbye, Ms. Kim making a comment about how I should visit more often, making my mother laugh as Seungmin returned to his shy demeanor.

I later found out that he had chosen my high school to frequent through Jeongin, the 1st year student that I mentored in English, who was apparently also Seugmin’s best friend. Once I met with the boy again and asked why he hadn’t told me, he explained that he wanted to but every time we talked we’d get carried away in our stories and he’d always forget.

Moving schools midyear couldn’t have been easy for him, but he seemed to quickly become very popular amongst not only the students but the teachers as well. He was polite, friendly, helpful and the top of his class in grades. And despite it being only his first year of high school, everyone from his teachers, to his mother and even my own, could tell with clear certainty that he had a bright future ahead of him. I myself knew that, encouraging him as he started thinking about studying abroad, even as I briefly acknowledged the ache that formed in my chest at the thought of him doing so. I didn’t know exactly what that ache was due to, but I didn’t think I was ready to find out yet, so I continued to brush it off. Until a very special evening that is.

In light of Seungmin joining the photography club, his keen eye was quickly noticed by not only his classmates, but most importantly by his teacher, who decided to talk to him about the possibility of participating in our district’s photography contest. Something he had immediately said ‘yes’ to.

The 10 best were invited to a lavish event where the winner would be revealed. And it came as no surprise to me that Seungmin was invited. What did come as a surprise, was him asking me to attend the event with him. He said it was fitting, since one of the entries he submitted was the first photo he took of me, the one on the balcony. After getting over the initial surprise, I agreed without hesitation.

But now, staring at the museum’s grand staircase in my knee-lenght, flowy, peach colored dress, I felt my stomach twist itself into more knots than I had in my hair when I woke up that morning. And as the cold, spring night air brushed my bare legs I simultaneously wanted to stay where I was, rooted to the ground and holding tightly onto Seungmin’s arm, while also wanting to go in and just getting it over with so that I could escape the cold.

A reassuring squeeze on my hand put a pause on my anxious thoughts as I turned towards the puppy eyed boy I was here for.

As I looked him over once more I felt my mood brighten a bit, I almost wanted to giggle. He was sharply dressed in a simple black tuxedo with a yellow tie, that he said he had chosen to try to match my dress. But it wasn’t the brightly colored tie that almost made me laugh despite the mood I was in.

It was simply the image of Seungmin, who basically only wore jeans and loose-fitting shirts and hoodies despite his mother’s insistence in telling him that he had to look his best at all times, wearing such formal clothing that caused such a reaction.

His cheeks were colored pink as he, seemingly, chose to focus on the spot above my left eyebrow instead of looking me in the eye, which reminded me of what had transpired just minutes before.

As I arrived at his house before the event, so we could arrive together, I was immediately warmly greeted by Ms. Kim, who told me that Seungmin would be ready in just a moment. We made small talk about school as we waited, and soon I heard the sound of footsteps approaching the entrance.

As Ms. Kim stepped aside to look at her son, my eyes immediately locked onto the vibrant tie he had previously told me he would wear, before moving up to his face, which was a sight in and of itself.

His lips were parted in awe and his cheeks were flushed a light pink, which darkened as he locked eyes with me, prompting both of us to look away shyly.

“You look— Ahem. You look lovely.” He said, voice cracking midway.

“Thank you! You look pretty… Snazzy!” I don’t think I’ve ever regretted saying something as much as in that moment.

As people continued to enter the building, we still stood outside, trying to calm each other’s nerves more than our own. Seungmin tried his best to look me in the eyes and give me a reassuring smile, but it ended up being none of that. A for effort nonetheless.

“Let’s just get this over with.” I finally said, trying to appear nonchalant and unbothered as I quaked in my low black heels.

As we stepped into the building, Seungmin’s mother left the both of us alone to go socialize and we were left to our own devices. We decided to pass the time by looking around at the other participants.

We walked among the crowd of mostly adults who looked at us as if we were supposed to be somewhere else, it was unnerving to say the least. To quell our nerves we poked fun at things such as the models’ poses and the weird props used in some pictures. We were both well aware that what we were doing was probably disrespectful (if the artists were to overhear us) and that others were probably doing the same to our photos, but we couldn’t help it, they just looked too pretentious to not make fun of. What did they expect from two highschool kids?

I genuinely hoped that Seungmin was chosen as the winner, and not because he was my friend (at least not entirely). But because all the entries we had passed by didn’t seem to have any genuine emotion put behind them, or any creativity. They seemed like those art pieces that appear to portray a deep message but would seem like nonsense to anyone that had even a semblance of common sense and wasn’t content in just going along with whatever some high and mighty creator threw them. Not to mention the fact that most seemed to be relying only on their expensive cameras to win them the prize instead of actually putting any real thought or effort into their photos.

I knew I was nowhere near an “art-connoisseur”, I wasn’t even a contestant, but after spending so much time with Seungmin and his heartfelt pieces, I had formed my own opinion on art.

Just as we started to run out of “humorous critiques”, unknowingly almost wandering into a closed off section, a nearby speaker declared that the winners would soon be announced and for all the guests to gather in the main room.

Many eyes locked onto us as we entered the large (but slightly cramped) room. (Or was that just my nerves?) Just as I thought, we seemed to be the youngest people in the room as far as I could see (which wasn’t very far as everyone was so tall, and my heels barely helped), except for some kids who were very clearly some contestant’s children. It made me feel proud for Seungmin and intimidated, at the same time.

I unconsciously began to curl into myself, clenching my fists at my sides and chewing on my bottom lip as anxiety began to wash over me, slowly but surely. I began wondering if Seungmin even had a chance to win, how heartbroken I thought he’d be if he lost and what the other contestants found so interesting in us to keep staring as I knew they were as we approached the front of the room where a small platform was raised, behind it were the paintings competing. The lady next to us gave us an odd look, as if she thought we might be lost, but didn’t say a word.

As if noticing my distress, or perhaps to ground himself, Seungmin’s hand snuck between my hand and my side, the tip of his fingers tentatively hovering over my palm as if wanting to hold my hand but unsure if he could. With an uncharacteristic burst of confidence, brought on by the need to hold onto something, I interlocked our fingers tightly, squeezing once for comfort.

A man stepped on stage, asking the crowd to quiet down, and it was as if my brain had listened to his command and suddenly everything became quiet. Looking at the boy beside me, his expression seemed to reflect the same emotions, but as he noticed my stare he managed to conjure up a vaguely reassuring smile.

I felt more than a little silly for being so stressed out over something that Seungmin probably would just brush off, but the idea of how elated he would become if he won was just too perfect to be taken away from me. I just wanted to see him happy. No matter what.

And as my mind zeroed into that thought, the realization of a fact that had actually always been there hit me. It was so obvious that the meaning never fully registered.

I wanted to see Seungmin happy, no matter what, and the implications that were previously lost on me now came to light. It was more than friendly, that was for sure.

As the man on stage went one with his speech, my mind lingered on precious images I had saved in my brain, like Seungmin’s smile. His genuine smile and not the stiff and fake version he first presented to me. I felt how much joy and comfort it brought me.

All his pictures, and how many emotions they brought me.

How he always called ME first when he wanted to take a specific picture because I was apparently his favorite model.

How my heart would skip a few beats when Jeongin mentioned that he’d said something about me, always wondering what exactly it had been but never asking.

How warm and soft his hand felt in mine, and how much comfort the simple action of holding his hand brought me.

It all made me realize that there was something there, something strong and important.

And once my mind shifted back to the situation at hand, the third place had already been announced and the second on its way to the stage. This meant one of two things, either Seungmin would be first place, or he hadn’t even reached the podium. I prayed for the first option, but expected the second.

So I looked back to the young boy’s piece, and all the memories and emotions it held.

It was a photo taken in Seungmin’s balcony, of me leaning against the metal railing. My face was dark as I faced away from the unfocused colored lights behind me and towards the camera. My hair was wet from the rain, droplets running down my face and neck towards my floor-length dress, which from what I remember was way too thin as I started sneezing almost immediately after the long time it took to get that picture to be perfect. I couldn’t see or recall what my expression was since all that could be seen of my front were the minuscule bits of light some droplets reflected.

I remembered the moment Seungmin saw the dress on me, he seemed to have an epiphany, immediately demanding that we needed to have a photoshoot with it. It was nothing special in my eyes, but he seemed to see something in it.

He was immediately taken with the picture as he saw it first in his mind and then on his screen, much like he had been with the one he took on the night we met (which he, at first, wanted to use as his submission to the last stage of the competition, until I managed to make him understand that it just wasn't enough). It was colorful, bright, full of youth and life, in my eyes.

“And the winner is…” The announcer said, making my grip on Seungmin’s hand become impossibly tighter. And as the name of the winner was spoken and I registered that it wasn’t my friend’s (or maybe more) name, my shoulders dropped and my hand went lax in the boy’s hold. I looked at the winner's piece, in search for some answers or closure, for a turmoil that wasn’t really mine to feel.

The older man’s piece was a picture of a meteor shower, rare and undoubtedly beautiful. The stars shone in the sky just like the rain had on my skin, yet to me, they seemed so different.

I searched my brain for answers to why this was so much better than our piece, fundamentally ours had more layers, even more colors. And it had a story, of all the times we spent alone on that balcony sharing dreams and visions, and as far as the judges knew the story could be much different, much deeper and…

Then I realized what went wrong. The judges couldn’t score a piece simply for what it could be, but for what it was. The meteor shower was a beauty of nature, unquestionable and clearly on display to all, while the beauty of Seungmin’s photo seemed to be wholly personal, something that perhaps not all could see or feel the full weight of. I felt silly for letting my emotions cloud my vision for so long and so intensely but with my new found feelings for the boy, it wasn’t all that surprising. It still didn’t take away the feeling of my heart being shattered into many tiny pieces as Seungmin was announced as being in fourth place. Fourth place! So painfully close. But what really hurt, was the tight and insincere smile he presented to me after giving what he probably hoped was a reassuring squeeze of my hand, but actually only served to stomp on the tiny pieces left of my heart, shattered through pure disappointment and sadness.

All the other adults were quick to begin mingling as soon as all the names were announced. I released a sigh.

“Fourth place, for the first time, isn’t terrible. I think.” Seungmin said, positively, and what I managed to grant him as a response was a low hum of sad and resigned agreement.

Figuring that the night was technically over for us, as we had nothing else to do in that space since we weren’t about to begin socializing with a bunch of adults who still looked at us as if we didn’t belong there, we walked to the entrance room, Seungmin sending his mother a text to come to us.

“Excuse me! Are you Kim Seungmin, perhaps?” Said a middle-aged man as he approached us with a smile.

“Yeah- I mean, yes. That would be me. Did you need something?” The boy asked nervously, clearing his throat.

“Yes! I need to talk to you! I think it’s impressive that you even managed to get this far with your age, and to be fourth place as the youngest competitor just shows how much potential you have! I commend you for your work and passion!” The man said excitedly.

I once again tuned their conversation out, only coming back to the present to send the occasional polite smile and to walk to the car once Seungmin’s mother arrived (and was done speaking to the lively man).

A certain possibility which caused me both joy and sadness loomed over me as we got back to the Kim family apartment, me and my friend walking up the stairs towards his balcony to sit in as we waited for my mother to come pick me up, as she had insisted on doing.

My beautiful dress did me no favors against the cold wind of the balcony, leaving me curled up in front of the glass sliding door facing the bright city lights while shivering slightly, but not thinking for a moment to go get a jacket and I did all that on autopilot.

Just as the cold was starting to sober me up and break me out of my trance, a jacket (too large to be mine) was laid across my shoulders, before Seungmin sat beside me. That tan, warm and soft jacket from what seemed like so long ago.

“Why do you look so down? If it’s for me, then there's no need. Fourth place really isn't that bad, plus, and you probably weren't paying attention but the man me and my mother talked to offered me a chance to get a scholarship! In the states no less! I mean, first I have to apply and a spot isn't exactly one-hundred percent guaranteed, but I got a pretty good chance!” He very much reminded me of a puppy in that moment, ecstatic and jumpy, full of smiles and talking so fast that he became slightly breathless.

I battled with myself. He clearly seemed excited over the prospect of studying abroad and although it felt like my life’s mission at that moment was making him as happy as possible, I really, really, didn’t want him to go. To be so far away from me.

“And I know it makes very little sense, but… I want you to come with me. Don’t think about it too much, or you’ll stress yourself out but I feel like you made this opportunity possible, so I’d love to have you by my side. What do you say? I mean, you don’t have to say it now, we still have time. But, maybe you could give me a pointer?” He looked at me with those big puppy eyes full of hopes and dreams, begging to not be shattered.

He was right, the whole thing didn’t make a lot of (if any) sense, and it seemed like he was just riding the good mood he was in, but the answer still seemed to matter a lot to him.

Truth be told, I had absolutely no intention or interest in studying abroad and even though it was a priceless opportunity for Seungmin, I didn’t want him to go either. I didn’t want things to change so drastically. I wanted to keep him warm smiles and comforting touches near (and possibly all to myself).

But he was right, it wouldn’t happen for at least a couple of years, so truly there was no need for a definitive answer.

“I’ll think about it.” I said to which he nodded, seemingly pleased, before turning his gaze to the mesmerizing lights of the city.

Even though I said what I said, I knew my real answer already. I truly didn’t want to go.

But as I looked at his side profile, the faintest (but cutest) ghost of a self-satisfied smile on his lips, I knew that I would do anything for even that smile, which was so small and probably careless, even if it meant taking Seungmin halfway across the world, and away from me.

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createdbyinvisibles · 5 years ago

Text

The Chronicles of a bookworm ninja

Word count: 2829

An episodic series of chapters telling the odd tale of Rin Kikumoto, the last political book carrier and her misadventures in becoming a ninja.

If you’re curious about what the Kikumoto clan is exactly then this bio here should explain everything.

Rin Kikumoto lived an utterly peculiar existence, she was the type of person to spontaneously do things for the sake of quick and short excitement. As well as the kind of person to just always be around asking questions, a kid, nine years old to be exact, should never be wondering. Living on the only standing house in the crumbled compound of the now-disbanded Kikumoto clan, you could say it was an odd house for an odd girl. But now this odd girl would be attending her first day at the ninja academy, something her older brother was solemnly against. He simply hated the mere thought of having his sister be a part of what he thought to be "another pawn of the military complex."

But it would get her out of the house, and she argued it would do her more good than the negatives that came with it. She'd have to start late, however, since she was already nine and the rest of the classmates have been at the academy since age six, but she was a fast learner, well... She had to be. The reason being was the very same reason she was well odd, she was what the village called a political book carrier. The position was one of knowledgeable importance, as it was an old position, and it even went back to the first Hokage, this position was one of four now-disbanded positions the Kikumoto clan occupied.

A position that detailed the tasks of carrying knowledge, secret knowledge, the kind of knowledge that was best left to be forgotten. And Rin had to carry all of it, libraries worth of secrets and information of all types to be stored away within the depths of a large sketchbook. To be sealed by the strength of her soul, to be remembered but never talked about again. For even if she wished to forget the village needed someone to remember, for what if the Hokage required information? If she never remembered then, the Hokage surely wouldn't, and the village would suffer. So cursed with the seal mark of the black chrysanthemum, she for the rest of her life would bear the knowledge of the village by sealing it in the book that was her soul.

But it didn't matter now, for, with jello-like legs, she stared at the oddly shaped building looming in front of her. As she felt her muscles tense up, it made her realize that she was about to enter an environment in which she could socialize with others. Other people who weren't her brother and other people who all had differing opinions, opinions as well as feelings different from her own, something her brother said was the bane of their existence. But if she was to learn how to understand others and become friends with any of them well, she'd have to try. So with reluctant steps, she walked forward into the building that would become the start of a life she couldn't even begin to think, she'd have.

╔⏤⏤⏤⏤⏤⏤╝✿╚⏤⏤⏤⏤⏤⏤╗

"Alright class, today we have a new student who will be joining us..." Iruka Sensei now told the class, to the response of nods and a couple murmurs for who this newcomer could possibly be.

"Excuse me, but you're going to have to enter the classroom first," Iruka Sensei said gently motioning for her to step through the door, so lost in her thought that she forgot to enter the classroom entirely. But with cold feet, she stepped into the classroom, there were a lot of people, too many people. All of which stared down to her on high wooden benches that made everything seem so much more intimidating. "Alright, why don't you tell the class your name?" Iruka Sensei suggested with a smile, and with a nod, Rin complied.

I could walk into that classroom with an identity entirely different to my own, and no one could tell, I'll just say I'm so-so, and everyone will just believe me, and I'll have to live a lie for the rest of my life. Rin gripped her book, a book she should have kept in her back pocket, for the book not only carried libraries of information but her soul as well. But at times like these, it always seemed to calm her down when she held her book close.

"Is there anything you would like to say about yourself? A favourite colour perhaps?" Iruka Sensei suggested yet again breaking her train of thought, for little did she know as all this thinking was going on, she merely stood statue-like.

"Greetings or salutations, my name is Rin Kikumoto…" Rin said with her voice surprisingly steady. Look at the faces, study each one, remember what brother said, everyone feels something and all of it can be displayed on their faces. Perhaps someone is just as nervous as me? I know practically every dark secret in this village, something like this shouldn't scare me at all! It shouldn't scare me at all… Even if everything about this is new and new is a change and change is well, uncomfortable. Rin's obsidian coloured eyes darted back and forth, it made her eyes look like two little kaleidoscopes that seemed to draw you in by pure curiosity. She didn't find anyone, in particular, that was nervous, all except one girl, and she looked plain antsy with her blank pupilless purple eyes, eyes that were the mark of the Hyuga clan.

Ironically she would have preferred world stumping mind bogglers, she was used to those, her brother would always give her one every week, and at the end of the week, they'd have a debate over it. Those questions were easier in a way since they were always open-ended and allowed room for an answer longer than a sentence. How was she supposed to form a meaningful opinion with a sentence?

Favourite colour? Well, white reflects the sun and looks really lovely but it also stains easily, black is beautiful but plain dreadful in the summer, purple is majestic, but it's too expensive. Blue is so basic and red is far too strong, green is different enough to make me seem unusual, but the colour itself reminds me of puke. Grey is dull and brown feels like cheating because it's all the colours just mixed together, orange never looks good on me, and yellow makes my eyes hurt. Pink is sweet, but everyone is probably expecting me to say it and big brother always talks about how we have to break the "stereotypes' ', so it's out of the question. And what if someone in the class is colourblind, then I'll just sound like a jerk regardless! Rin was yet again looking towards the floor, typical softball questions that anyone could try and answer seemed like world stumping mind bogglers for her.

It was only now that she realized she never answered Iruka Sensei, nor did she say anything at all, the realization of which made her sink slightly into herself. "Can I sit at my desk please," Rin asked awkwardly, re-evaluating my life is more like it.

It was then that she noticed the Uchiha insignia on his back, so he's Sasuke Uchiha the lone survivor of the Uchiha clan, well the personality checks out at least… Peas and carrots. Rin felt bad, Even if his personality made her think less of him. Being a book carrier meant she had to know a lot about this village, even tragedies he'd never know, but it weirdly comforted her. It's easy to understand someone she had records on, easier than having to get the information herself anyway.

"Of course, there is an empty seat near the back where you can sit," Iruka said motioning towards the only free desk available. I guess I'm already the problem child or at least a timid emo kid, please believe me when I say I'm an entertaining and chill person! Wait, they can't hear me. Rin made her way to the back, it wasn't as bad as she thought it was, just well, really far away from the front. Sitting by the window in the seat next to her, was a cantankerous looking boy with short jet black hair in the shape of a duck's butt. "Guess we'll be desk buddies then," Rin joked offering her hand to shake, and telling by the irritated glare he shot her the joke didn't land.

With the proper information, she could empathize and formulate the best way to converse with the person for the best outcome. Even if in the process of knowing their records and files, it had the potential of making Rin feel guilty. But at the end of the day, she didn't know Sasuke, not enough to really care about him anyway. And by the looks of it, Sasuke would rather the world burn then talk to her, so as long as it stayed that way, Rin would never even worry about the potential guilt she might feel.

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The rest of the school day wasn't much of note, she tried to talk to people during the break period, but with everyone in their own cliques, it was a pointless endeavour. She couldn't even sulk on the swingset because some other kid was using it, and she couldn't talk to Sasuke because he was being... Well, a total dill weed. She tried to find the antsy girl she noticed previously, but she looked busy as well, for that same girl was staring at the kid on the swingset. Rin believed it was because she wanted a turn on the swingset as well, but she didn't ask. So she spent her break sitting in the shade sketching the other kids in a smaller plain white sketchbook different to her large floral decorated sketchbook. Her goal was to have drawn and made a personal file for every student in her class since baby steps were required if no one wanted to talk to you.

"Um, excuse me," A shy voice called, and as Rin looked over to see who it is, she was surprised to find the same antsy girl who was watching the swingset from before.

"Yes?" Rin called a little louder than expected, happy that someone approached her at all.

"Well um, I don't mean to be rude or forward or anything, but I couldn't help but ask… You just seem really invested in that drawing and well..." The girl fumbled around with her words, in fact, she fumbled so much you might as well call it a literary train wreck. Wait she's really not making any sense, so that means she's nervous… I was nervous earlier today, and it caused me to be embarrassed… Wait is this empathy? Well, sweet dango on a stick, I'm empathizing! God, empathy feels fantastic! Rin was correct, she really was empathizing, but in the process it caused her to stare at the girl. Which caused the girl to become so nervous she simply excused herself and left, leaving Rin alone yet again.

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Before she knew it, it was the end of the day, so with her book in hand, she left to go home skipping as she went, only stopping when she reached a small ridge to the side of the sidewalk, green grass and little white clovers painting a scene of contentment. Taking a slight detour, Rin began to pick the white clovers, tying them into a crown as she went scrutinizing the ridge for more of the prettiest and most delicate of clovers. "Well don't you have great eyes for flower picking?" A rather confident sounding voice called, Rin looked up from her flowers to find a girl with platinum blonde hair tied into a short ponytail. "I'm Ino by the way, and you must be Rin, right?" Ino said, offering her hand to shake.

"Oh, hello Ino… Wait doesn't your family run the flower shop?" Rin asked excitedly, shaking her hand back, she loved to go there and get flowers every Sunday.

"That's right, my family runs the Yamanaka flower shop, but enough about me, you were recently given a seat next to Sasuke, right?" Ino asked to which Rin nodded.

"Well you don't really seem to like Sasuke, so I was wondering if you'd want to change seats with me?" Ino asked Rin's confusion.

"Wait, do you like Sasuke?!" Rin exclaimed, surprised to which Ino laughed.

"Yeah, and who doesn't?" Ino asked, and when Rin pointed to herself, Ino laughed "And I'm taller than most of the girls in our class."

"Still it doesn't make sense though, I tried talking to him, and he's well very distant, to say the least," Rin responded, confused to Ino squealing.

"But that's what makes him so cool," Ino gushed.

"Cold is more like it," Rin responded, still confused and even more confused to find Ino irritated.

"Well you're still new, so maybe you just don't understand Sasuke at all," Ino huffed, turning around to leave, forgetting about what she was going to ask Rin in the first place. Rin was still confused, what was there to understand about Sasuke, even without records Rin could feel the hatred steaming off the boy. He was rather one-note in that regard, to curse at the rest of the world is to ignore everything else about it, including the complications that make life a greyish mix of exoticness. But she wasn't one to judge, she didn't have the best first impression either, and telling by everyone's reaction to her, she probably wasn't liked either. So for all, she knew he too had socialization problems and wasn't that why she was here in the first place, to understand others? And how could she understand others by writing them off?

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Maybe I don't really know Sasuke all that well either, I mean Ino has been in that class since she was little and I've only just joined... Wait, that's it! To properly understand someone I have to befriend them, I mean to call someone a friend is to understand them. That's what I'll do! And with that, Rin got up determined and marched on with a flower crown in hand.

"I'm home!" Rin called as she took off her shoes to find her brother on a chair near the door. "I made this on my way back home," Rin said, giving him the flower crown she made previously.

"Well, doesn't this look nice on me," Her brother said, gently placing the crown on his head as if it was his own personal coronation and with a thumbs up from Rin he ruffled her hair.

“It was…” Rin trailed off, how was her day? She couldn't really put a finger on how she felt about it. It was different to say the least, but it wasn’t a bad difference going there made her feel like a scientist sent to study a different land from her own. “I’m not sure, but I think I want to go tomorrow,” she did want to go back, even if it was odd but where there was oddity, there was a way to understand it. And that’s what she was here to do.

"Maybe one day, you could come with me to pick the flowers?" Rin suggested, trying her best to ignore the slight grimace in his eyes, her brother hated leaving the house. Something he hadn't done since she was six, after that he just came home one day and never left.

“When the flowers grow in the backyard, we can pick them together,” He suggested a small smile on his face, that was enough for Rin, it was her first day of school and she was simply too tired to get into yet another argument. “How was your day at school?” He asked carefully, Rin found him studying her face, a habit her brother always had when he felt Rin wouldn't tell him the whole story.

#naruto #naruto fanfiction #naruto oc #sasuke uchiha #ino yamanaka #hinata hyuga #iruka sensei #pre shippuden #anime #fanfic

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joongieatz · 6 years ago

Text

Nightmare ; Dabi x Reader

MOVED -> @lunasaizawa

a/n ; I don't know how I though of this story, but I'm absolutely in love with the plot... Also Dabi is a Todorki AU... also also, yes I see a broken boy in Dabi, even when he is seen as a asshole and badass most of the time..

Summary ; You were in the league of villains since before Dabi and Toga joined. Since a few days your boss, Shigaraki Tomura, has to listen to Dabi cry and scream in his sleep, till he has enough and tells you to fix whatever problem he has, so he can sleep in peace.

Pairing ; Dabi x Reader (Gender Neutral)

Word count ; 1246 words

Genre ; Fluff ; slight Angst ➵ Warnings ; Broken, abused and anxious Dabi

Your peacefull sleep wasn't supposed to last longer than around two hours.. Why? Because your blue haired boss, Shigaraki Tomura, decided to barge into your room, talking loudly to wake you from your sweet, sweet dreams.

"You. Follow me. Now." Are Shigarakis cold words, as you get out of bed, knowing talking back won't work with your moody boss. As you follow him out of the door and down the corridor you hear quit loud screaming and crying, comming from one of the mens rooms.

Kurogiri separated your and Togas room from the male villains, cause he didn't want any baby villains running around, should anything happen.

"Make him shut up! I can not listen to this screaming and crying anymore! Whatever makes him shut the fuck up, make him!" Ate Shigarakis cruel words, as he leaves you infront of Dabis room, going into his own room.

Letting go a quit sigh, you slowly open the door to Dabi room and the crying and screaming got even more intense and louder. Laying your eyes on the black haired men, your heart starts to break at his form. He was laying on his side, his leg pulled up against his chest, his one hand gripping the pillow into which he is screaming an crying, while the other is slung around himself, as if to protect himself from something.

"Dabi.." You mumble softly and close the door after you, so now one see the him in this state, knowing quit well how annoyed he would be with people seeing him so fragile and small.

Just now you notice that he mumbles stuff like: "Stay away from me..!" or "What are you doing..?!" in his sleep and that breaks your heart even more. You know that he must have a rough past, knowing nothing exact, but seeing him like this, it must have been a terrible childhood. With slow and cautious steps, you near yourself to the sleeping men, crouching down beside him, before you sit down on his bed, at the side of him.

"Dabi... Please wake up.." You softly say, while running a hand through his soft and black hair. You continue running your hand through his soft hair, suddenly he starts to move a bit more, before he shoots up into a sitting position, panting hard with a tear stained. His hand immediately shoots up to his heart, the other to his face and again, he starts to cry bitterly. Is that the reason he is so tired for the few past weeks?

"D-Dabi..." Soft words leave your mouth, as Dabi turns his head shocked to you, rubbing over his eyes like a crazy person. "W-What are you doing here? Get out!" Shaking your head at his harsh words, you take his hands in yours and slightly pull them down, to reavel his red and swollen eyes. "I-I'm fine okay? Get out.." Sighing again you shake your head and tell him: "You're obviously not okay, talk about it, keeping everything to yourself will destroy you one day.."

Dabi averts his eyes from your form and looks off to the side, probably thinking if he should tell your about his problems or not.

"I'm dreaming about my father since a few weeks.. you see.. I was the oldest one of us four children, he wanted us to be perfect and since I was the oldest and so he started to train me... But it fast turnes into abuse when he saw that I only had his power and not my mothers... He is the reason I have so many burn scars... Cause he pushed me to far.." Dabi tells you his story, you are probably the first person he eher talked about his past to. Before you is not sitting the men that likes to tease you all the time, no.. before you is sitting a childlike, young men, that is broken from a very young age, thanks to his fathers behavior.

"You know that your save here right..? You don't have to worry about your... father.. if I can even call him that, he doesn't know where you are and won't do anything to you ever again.." Soft words come out of your mouth, which calm the trembling.. boy, he is a boy right now, not the men he normally is. "I just can't get my head of the thoughs what he may be doing to my siblings or mother right now, I may hate him, but I love my mother and my little siblings.." This is really the first time that you ser Dabi showing emotions and saying that he loves someone. "I understand that it's hard for you but I bet they all choose their own ways and won't go after him.." You softly tell him, running your hand through his hair again, to calm him down even more.

"My father is a disgusting men... He abused not only me, but also my mother and my younger children, mostly my youngest brother... He always got mad at me for protecting him.." Dabi continues and now you saw something, you never though you would ever see, Dabis eyes started to fill with tears, till they were to much and he let them run down his face. That's when your heart finally broke, you immediately lay your arms around the boy infront of you, pulling him against you. Feeling how he buries his face in you shoulder, silently crying against your shoulder, while his hands grip the fabric at the back of your shirt. "I'm sorry for how you were treated back there, I promise you, this won't ever happen again, we are here for you and you're such a strong person Dabi.." Your soft words calmed him down again.

"D-Don't think I'm weak but.. can you stay here for the night.. please..?" Did you hear him right, right now, Dabi, the fuckboy Dabi you know, just said please and asked you to stay with him for the night. "Of course I can stay.. You're not weak, sometimes everyone needs someone by their side.." You giggle, slowly letting go of Dabi, as he makes room for you to lay down.

[Extended ending!]

You lay down beside Dabi, as he does the same, your back is turned to him, as he slings his arms softyl around your waist and presses his face against the back of your shoulder. "Thank you.." He whispers so quitly, that you could think you imagined him saying thank you. "It's alright.. don't worry.." You smile, laying your hands softly on his, that are on your stomach under your shirt. Normaly you would've slapped anyone doing that, but at the moment he probably just needs slme assurance that you really are beside him and in his arms right now.

"Thank god you dumbass stopped screaming, I couldn't hear that anymore.." Shigarakis voice echos through the room, as you and Dabi enter.

"If anyone dares to touch her/him/them... I'll kill you.." Dabi threatens the other men in the room, looking extra long at twice while doing so. "She/He/Them is mine now, so fuck off.." There is the Dabi you know again, but just with protectiveness and clinginess to him.

"Uhm... Y/N..? Why is Dabi.. clinging to you..?" Toga asks confused written all over her face. "We woke up and he didn't want to let go, so we just came here like that." You giggle, looking over your shoulder to the tall men behind you.

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rainywritingsx · 6 years ago

Text

Torn • BNHA X OC • Chapter 1

You can find the prologue here. I thought posting the first chapter would be fun too and I’m thinking of updating the fanfiction weekly if people really like it. Please let me know what you think! Leave a like or reblog if you enjoyed it please. I think that’s it, enjoy reading and I hope you have a wonderful day!!

xxx admin rainbow

Words: 1622

“I don’t think you realise how dangerous you could be.” My twin brother smirked as we made our way to school.

"Seventy percent of the human body consist of water, and you have the ability to control any fluid in the universe! You can basically make the whole world your slaves if you train your quirk enough." I sighed softly, not feeling the need to reply to his boring words that I'd probably heard a million times already. I was born with this power, did he think I wouldn't have figured that out after fourteen years?

I mean how couldn't I, when my father, despite my mother's protests, had been training me since I was four up until this year, because according to him training at school would be enough.

"Mom and dad will be so proud when you can finally go into the field too, Janie." He said, his voice dripping with pride and

excitement for my future. I, however, wasn't as interested in that, I must say. But I didn't say that out loud of course, due to the fact that I know that's not what he'd like to hear and I wasn't in the mood to argue with him right now. Not like I ever was in the mood to do that.

You see, unlike my younger siblings, I had the big responsibility which would be given to me as soon as I became the new leader of the so-called 'villain world', which would most likely happen as soon as my parents decided to stop - that would take a while considering they found their job absolutely lovely. Any villain would've been stoked for something like this, but me? I despised it from the day I was born.

Yes, there was a very small proportion of 'villains' that actually had some rational ideals, like them not agreeing with some situations though they were seen as 'right'. For example: Stain, the hero killer, didn't have the worst ideas in my opinion. He didn't agree with the fact that some heroes didn't become heroes with the intent of helping people. All they wanted was fame and glory. He decided to kill anyone he deemed unworthy of being a hero and kept the worthy ones alive. So, yes, his way of handling them was a completely different case but he had some decent morals.

However, the majority of this community was filled with people who just wanted to inflict pain on others, see their terrified faces before taking away possessions or sometimes even their lives. I did not want to associate myself with people like that.

And those were the exact kind of villains my parents were. As parents, they were just normal people but everyone knew both went ballistic during fights against heroes. There were some stories of heroes who could still hear my mother's psychotic laugh as she killed their allies. My dad would always look his victims right in the eye as he did whatever he wanted to do. I can't even imagine the amount of sins that they must've committed.

They expected me to be at least as crazy as them when I took over, but I wasn't even planning on becoming a villain at all. Even if some villains had ideas that seemed okay, it didn't make up for their actions. I wanted to become a hero and whether I'd become famous or not didn't matter to me. Helping people was all I wanted to do. However, we should put the emphasis on "wanted". I couldn't become a hero, my whole family would consider me absolutely insane.

We entered the school and parted our ways since we had different classes until lunch break. I never minded that, to be completely honest. We weren't the type of siblings that couldn't live without each other. I didn't have that relationship with any of my siblings. (I've got three younger brothers, I'm thirteen minutes older than my twin brother so yes I'd consider myself older, the others are twelve and ten.) Sure, we all cared about each other but we didn't have the tight bond some siblings do have. I thought that that was partly due to my parents, who never really let us do things together to get closer to each other. It was only when we got older that we started doing some things together. Maybe it was also due to our ideals being different but of course he didn't know that.

As for my two other younger siblings, they were a lot closer to each other so there never really was a need for them to have this really tight bond with my brother and I. Those two were completely fine as a duo.

I entered the classroom, not saying a word as I walked over to my seat. I also never really bonded with my class either. It didn't have to do with what I though, but more because of the fact that I was the daughter of the two most notorious villains ever. Nobody would ever talk to me and I had the tendency to be quite shy at first, so I never took the first step either.

"Alright everyone! Please open your books, classes will start now!" Our English and homeroom teacher, miss Deceit said with a bright smile on her face in the same annoyingly high tone she always used. "Today's lesson will be really exciting!" Maybe her name gave it away already, but she was a teacher who was great at creating illusions. After training for years and years, she could make someone's biggest fear and taunt people with those images. And people tend to do strange things when they're absolutely terrified... Sometimes a slightly less deathly version of that is used as a punishment for students, but only in very extreme cases. Now that she had reached an older age, she mostly used her quirk to make classes more fun than they actually are and the majority falls for it, but my parents taught me how to deal with quirks like that so it almost became like a reflex that I saw right through it.

And if you were wondering how on earth some of these villains were able to even set a foot in the outside world, there were two answers: serving in jail and fake identities. Some villains were able to get away with certain crimes and that way they got a shorter sentence, so after they served in jail they could just return to society. Other villains made fake identities and at my school they never turned people to the police. 'Villain code' is what they call it. You help other villains when they need it but you never ever call the cops on them.

The day seemed to last forever, but after villain training I could finally go home. I almost ran out of class, not wanting to spend another second with these people. My brother finished early today and went away to hang out with some of his friends, so I was on my own. It wasn't like I missed much though, no offence to him.

I frowned when I noticed a big sign set on the usual path I took to my home. It said that work was being done on the road, which meant I had to take a different road, a longer one sadly. I sighed quietly and then continued walking again. Before I could think my feet stopped on their own, making me almost fall in surprise. I looked up and gasped when I noticed it.

UA high.

The school I had admired since I was a small child, because that was the school where heroes were made. If you wanted to become a hero, you knew you just had to attend UA.

My eyes became wide when I noticed huge banners hanging. Today, and only today, they would let potential new students in and take a look in the building, like classrooms etc so they could see what to expect. I tilted my head in slight confusion. Why was this done though? UA wasn't a very open school at all, barely letting any students in. I wasn't complaining though..

Then a thought struck me. Wouldn't it be strange if I came home late? I usually got home at the same time every day so it would seem odd... But then again, I was usually the first in my family to arrive since my parents' "working hours" varied and my siblings usually hung out in places after school. I'd just go to look at the school and find an excuse later.

My excitement grew with each step I took, realising I was getting closer to the school I could only dream of even seeing. The school was huge and from the start the whole atmosphere was just completely different from what I was used to in my school. It felt like one community, whereas my school was just a mix of small groups who didn't really bother to talk to other people, let alone make other friends. Maybe I could actually make some friends here...if I was even able to attend the school at all. My parents wouldn't ever approve of this in a million years of course.

Okay, I'd just take a look. Nothing more or less. Looking wasn't a bad thing for sure so why was I worried about them not approving of it? I wouldn't attend the school anyway, nope. It was totally fine, I'd be there for a few minutes and then gone before anyone could notice. Yes. I'd do that.

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#boku no hero academia #my hero academia #bakugo #katsuki bakugou #midoriya #midoriya izuku #todoroki #todoroki shouto #bnha #mha #bnha fanfiction #fanfiction #anime fanfiction #bnha x oc #dabi x oc #todoroki x oc #mha fanfiction #Torn

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austenpoppy · 7 years ago

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Unpopular - or very rare - opinions about Ron, even for a Ron-lover or a Romione-lover

I am quite a strange person, because I have the impression that no one agrees with what will follow. I won't even list the obvious, since I think most of the people who will read this are Ron-lovers like me.

I am not going to explain everything in details, mostly because I will post some comments and analysis to do so... soon ;) !

1. I am glad Ron dated Lavender, and I am slightly unnerved every time I read that he has been a "prat" in sixth year. Why ?

Because of double standarts, people.

Why is it okay for a girl to want to feel good about herself, to feel special, to be assured that she can achieve things and look good, and not for a boy ?

Feeling okay with oneself is a very important part of one's teenage years. My mum, as a teacher, often talks to pupils who loathes themselves (I have no right to spill their secrets here, but I hope everyone understands)... and that is heartbreaking.

Ron reminds me of them.

Ron dated Lavender at a moment in his life when he thought he was "pathetic", when he thought the girl he loved thought him pathetic too (and he had reasons for thinking so...) when one of his teachers was unable to remember his name and kept looking through him as if he didn't exist while lavishing praise on his best friends and sister, when nobody except Lavander told him he was worth something, when his own team hated him, when his sister had humiliated him, when everyone was looking at Harry in awe, when he had just got scarred for life (scars oddly reminding me of cutting) and had lived through a traumatic event, when nobody except Lavender was doting on him, when nobody seemed to care about him but her.

It did not solve everything. Ron is extremely prone to self-hatred, and I don't believe it ever disappeared after the locket. But for once in his life, Ron actually felt good about himself for a while.

It is not that he did not care about Lavender's feelings. Not at all. Just see the way he felt when they broke, extremely guilty about having made her cry. She fancied him, he appreciated her and he was trying to get over Hermione. (and realised he couldn't, but that is another story...) Why would dating her be wrong ? He did not use her. He did not manipulate her. He appreciated her.

Why would that be wrong, although Hermione and Ginny did the exact same thing ?

I am all for Hermione when she dated Krum at the Yull Ball and Ron tried to guilt her over it, and she yelled at him (even if it I don't want to imagine Ron's feelings the night after, crying himself to sleep because "he would never be good enough for her"... Yeah, Schopenhauer was right: you only fully realise how much something is important once you lost it - or think you lost it). It was important for her to realise that she was not just a "bookworm", but a person who had just as everybody the right to feel desirable, and special.

Ginny dated other guys than Harry, and she was fully aware she had absolutely no feelings towards them (see Dumbledore's funeral) and ... ? She was trying to be herself, to get over Harry. She did not use guys, she genuinely appreciated them and it was important for her. It helped her becoming the person she became.

It was important for Ron too, and I wish people saw that.

2. I don't blame Ron for leaving in DH. It is not that I am cutting him slack, or that I just forgave him. It is more than that. I am admirative.

I think, and this is something I will defend to death after some research I made, that Ron has been mentally tortured by the locket.

Yes, I repeat it, tortured. This is not a hyperbole.

Note that I don't blame Harry or Hermione for the fight. They were manipulated - not tortured yet. The only one I blame is the locket

People don't realise that things could have gone horribly wrong. Under torture, people are led to do awful things. And that cannot be judged. Their pain is so huge they are not in their right mind.

When Ron faced his torturer again after he left, in a state of mental exhaustion, terror and anguish, for another mental torture session, he went very close to possession -actually he has been possessed one moment - and he could have killed Harry. That was exactly what Voldemort wanted : killing the Boy-who-lived by all means, weakening him, destroying the Trio.

It is out of sheer courage and thanks to his golden heart that Ron resisted torture and possession.

Wow indeed.

It could have been another way : with all the self-loathing stuff he always thought being repeated over and over again, he could have committed suicide. I think he could have attempted to do it if he had not left, but this is Ron who never gives up we're talking about, so who knows ?

3. Ron is not insensitive at all. It is the other way around.

Another thing I am ready to die defending it

We have a problem of vocabulary : being insensitive means that you don't care about others' feelings, that you don't feel empathy for others, or that you don't feel empathy at all. Sociopaths are often insensitive.

So... Ron, according to this definition, insensitive ???

I think it would be better if people just said that he was tactless sometimes.

4. Ron is not carefree. An optimist, yes, a boy trying to see the fun in life, yes, often immature, yes, sometimes insensible, yes...

But carefree ? No.

Look at the way he is often very anxious, the way he feels so very strong feelings, the fact that he is overly emotional, the fact that he worries so much.

The emotional range of a teaspoon, my arse.

Ron is a mix of raw emotion, passion, fire, and sunshine, wind and freedom.

5. Ron is romantic.

I see you laughing in a corner, because really, Ron, who had so much problems with dealing with girls, romantic ?

Well, being romantic means that you have idealistic ideas about love (I know what I'm talking about).

And look at Ron, squealing with delight on the floor when Harry received his first kiss, getting desperate when he learnt that Hermione had given het first kiss to another, playing matchmaker (this SCENE at the end of OOTP), grunting because "he thought that (Ginny) had a crush on Harry...", being ready to commit himself to love for eternity at seventeen...

6. Ron was not "the prat who walked out on Harry out of jealousy" in fourth year.

Both boys were to blame here. And acted out of a feeling of betrayal.

Better even : Ron first tried to swallow his bitterness.

7. Ron was not that prejudiced towards giants, house-elves and werewolves

Giants : what did he say ?

That they were violent and "awful", because they were killing one another.

Well, look at what Hagrid, a half-giant, says about it (conversation after his return in OOTP)

House-elves : what did he say ?

--> that they didn't want to be freed : apart from Dobby, whom he respected very much, he was right

--> that they loved doing what they did : once again he was right

--> that they were not human beings, and that you could not talk to them the same way : he was both right and wrong. You have to consider them as equals, and if you don't see them as human beings, you can be prone to forget it; however, house-elves are another species with other needs and expectations; and you have to be careful about what you say to them and the way you say it (house-elves are much more naive, innocent and emotional)

Werewolves : what did he say for people to think that ?

--> the "get away from me, werewolf !"

Ah, the hypocrisy. Let me remind you of something :

"'NO!' Hermione screamed, 'Harry, don't trust him, ge's been helping Black get into the castle, he wants you dead - he's a werewolf !"'

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban, J.K. Rowling

But people, think about it one second : these circumstances were NOT normal. They were hurt and TERRIFIED teenagers who had just seen one of their teachers hug and being really friendly with a seemingly mass murderer. They felt betrayed.

Imagine if Sirius had been a mass murderer : Lupin would have been like Greyback, who identifies himself as a werewolf and as a beast.

Ron and Hermione did not really think what they said. They were just TERRIFIED.

--> the "Dumbledore hired you, he's crazy"

Same thing.

It is crazy to expect perfection from terrified and feeling-like betrayed teenagers.

8. Ron does not lust much after other girls

I won't count Fleur, because the state he was in when he was seeing her was only due to her Veela-abilities (and let's face it -Harry too was influenced by it - just look at the way he described her when she entered his room at the beginning of HPB; Ron was just more sensitive to it)

He had a cute crush (oh god I hate this word) on Mrs Rosmerta.

He found Lavender nice, but did not lust after her.

And...?

That's all.

Full stop.

9. Ron's Boggart is not a spider

It may have been the case in the first books, but not in the last ones.

Otherwise let's assume that Parvati's Boggart will always be a mummy, that Seamus's will always be a banshee and that Dean's will always be a severed hand...

Nope. People grow and change, and their fears too.

I think that Ron's Boggart, once OOTP ends, has most likely been a dead or hurt Hermione that he had not been able to save, or a locketlike vision.

10. Ron is not so relatable and ordinary.

Well, maybe he is relatable for the way he feels inadequate, and his tendency to self-hatred reminds probably some people of their own struggle.

The fact that we can read him like an open book is perhaps relatable as well.

His arachnophobia ?

Maybe his bad luck.

But I never thought him ordinary. Or else being ordinary has never been so extraordinary.

The day you find a boy who is ready to die for others and to sacrifice himself at the age of twelve, call me.

The day you find somebody who is arachnophobic and is ready to follow spiders into a dark forest without complaining and even trying to appear enthusiastic, call me.

The day you find a fourteen-years old with a bitten arm and a broken leg, and standing on it without complaining once to tell somebody everyone thinks is a mass murderer and that he had seen with a knive above his bed some months ago, "If you want to kill my best friend, you'll have to kill me too", call me.

The day you find a boy who begs to be tortured instead of the person he loves and who is ready to give up everything he is for her or him, call me.

The day you find somebody who defies a dictator and a murderer when all hope is lost, call me.

And then I dare you to tell me they're ordinary.

I am sure some people imagine that I think Ron has no flaws, mostly because the things people blame him for are things I am often glad he did.

That is not true.

But the things I criticize Ron about are often smaller : imitating Hermione in Charms in HPB, his comment about Neville to feel better about himself before asking Hermione to the ball, his comment during a party during the Scabbers/Crookshanks fight...

However, I do worship Ron to the stars.

And I am proud of it.

#i worship ron to the stars #ron weasley #hp #unpopular opinions

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jakeyfrye · 6 years ago

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Happy Mothers Day, Dad.

Elizabeth came home from school with a rather dark cloud over her head, the topic today had her bummed out for a while. What made the day worst was Father not being home. At least Aunt Evie's here.

"Hello, Elizabeth." Evie greets in her chair as Ellie entered and sat on Evie's bed. Evie can tell something isn't right. "Is something wrong?" She asked.

Ellie nodded a little, "Where's Dad?" Oh, no wonder. She just missed Jacob already, Evie was a little worried that something happened at school. The last thing she wanted was Jacob busting into the school and causing mayhem until he found the one upsetting her and may have to move her to another school... again. Would he go that far? Oh defiantly, without a doubt. A side Evie never knew of him, she finds it adorable to see him over protective for a child but won't admit it to him.

"Today's mothers day... everyone talked about their mothers and I... well... I don't have a mother... not anymore..." Ellie hates thinking of the past, today it just brought her back to where she had it all to when she lost everything. Evie leans back in her chair, she couldn't help but think of her as Jacob when he was a child. All they had was a father but unlike Elizabeth, they have never had the chance to meet their mother.

Evie had no idea what is worst, having to lose a mother with or without knowing who they are. Actually they were both as bad. A slight story of the man Ellie calls father could cheer her up.

"You know, that brother of mine dreads the day for the exact same reason when he was young. In fact he made it sound like we had mother when people ask what he was going to get her on Mothers Day."

Ellie looks up at her with sadden but curious eyes. Evie relaxed in her seat a little more as she flicks through memory lane.

"Every after school on Mothers Day Jacob would pick flowers. A bunch of them too. He'd turn around, ripped cheeks and asks me if mother would like them all of the time. Hmph... you should see that smile and his eyes brighten when I say 'Of course she will'. Then he'd put them outside somewhere, hoping she come home... little did we know... we found out that she wasn't coming home."

"What happened?... why didn't she come back?"

Evie took in a deep breath and exhaled shakingly. "Well... we discovered that she passed away well before we even had a chance to see her or grow up with her. All we had was a Grandmother, then a Father... eventually we only have each other."

Looking at the young girl, it was clear that she wasn't very happy about the topic. It would be best if Evie left it as it is. She got out of her chair and ruffles Ellie's light hazel hair. "Don't worry about it, love. Jacob has you now, I'm sure that's all he needs, a child to be a child with. And besides, today is only a day to appreciate the one who loves you no matter what you do in your life."

Now that statement got little Ellie thinking, a day to appreciate the one who loves you no matter what?... an idea came to her head, it may seem ridiculous but yet brilliant. And there was only one person in this cold world that brought her in and raised her well.

"Evie? Could I ask you a favour, please?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It was dark and late by the time Jacob arrived back at the train hideout. He was beaten by a rollercoaster of emotions, making his journey home an absolute mission. He said what had to be said to his Mum, he's home now and Ellie should be asleep. That's all that matters now.

He always goes through Evie's car to get to his, he found it easier from some reason. He was completely taken back to see Evie bright eyed and bushy tailed.

"Brother! You're back! Oh! And by the way... Ellie has a surprise for you."

To you there should be no reason to freak out about it, but it's Jacob after all. Yes, he's usually carefree as ever. When it comes to those he hold dearly to him it's a totally different story. "Evie! You know that she can't be up THIS late! Not even a minute over her bedtime!-"

Evie just rolled her eyes at her twin, he's such a motor mouth when scolding her. This was just first gear.

"Jacob..."

"If she doesn't get at least 6 hours of sleep, she'll have insomnia!-" second gear, it was getting faster.

"Jacob!..."

"And with her having insomnia means bad health!-" third gear. At this point words end up clashing together.

[I]"And with bad health she'll be unhappy!And a unhappy child means horrible paren-"

Evie stops him right there by cupping either sides of his cheeks to shut him up. Wow, he is really paranoid today. "Jacob!!... just calm down. I know that you're tired and having a bad time right now. Which is why the girl is up still."

Evie slightly flicks her head towards the door that lead to his carriage, indicating him to go in as she lets go of him. He was curious now, whatever the reason for Ellie to be up so... so called late is beyond him. It must be worth while.

"....fine. But don't make a-"

Evie had enough of his scolding and just shoves him in his carriage. "My god! Jacob! It's just for one bloody night!"

"Ach! Okay, okay! Just stop pushing me!"

Finally booting him inside his own car, dimly lit by a few candles. There was Ellie standing right there in front of him nervously for some odd reason. It alerts him in the wrong way as ever.

"Hey, sweetheart. What's the matter? Nobody's been picking on you, have they?!"

Ellie just hums, well more like a shy growl as she waddles towards him with a small box wrapped in pretty wrapping paper. It wasn't his birthday yet... or did he forget again? How can he forget if he shares the same birthday as Evie? He got down on his knees to get to her eye level.

"What's all of this for?" He asked.

Little Ellie looks at Evie, doubting if this is going to work or not. Evie just nods and mouths "Go ahead... you got it."

Looking back at her Dad, she inhaled deeply and brought the box up to him. He still had no idea what's going on, he was utterly confused and worried that he had missed something while he was gone.

"Happy Mother's day, Dad..." she looks at him with a small smile. "... I love you."

His reaction was nothing but shock, mother's day?... for him? Jacob isn't a mother? Is that what Ellie thought of him this whole time? A mother? It made no difference really. Practically Jacob had been both roles in parenting, firm and strict yet loving and playful.

No matter the reasons for this, it meant the entire world to him. He couldn't help but embrace the girl tightly. It wasn't a day for him, this wasn't his day at all. And here is his little girl making her own rules up just for him. It wasn't as much as the things he did for her, but it never matters to him. Every little thing she does was something huge.

The girl wraps her arms around his neck, cuddling her head against his. "You didn't have to do this, darling. It's Mother's Day, not Father's Day." he spoke softly. Ellie just fiddled with his hair and hums,

"We both lost someone without having the chance to say goodbye..." she pulls away just to look at him, her small hands held either sides of his stubble cheeks. "...But it's okay! Because you got me and it's my job to take care of you. Leave the worrying to me."

Ellie was far too young to understand what point she was aiming for, to Jacob it made perfect sense. Even if she was repeating exactly what he told her many times before. It just meant that she knew what he means and believed he could care for her. Having that just made the struggles of being a better Father more rewarding. As firm and strict as he may seem, under that heart of thin layer of stone was gold being melted by this young girl he gladly and gratefully calls his own daughter.

A small yawn had brought him back to earth, she laid her head on his shoulder. He could feel her weight against him, a clear indication of tiredness. He wrapped his arms around her waist and stood up, hoisting her off the floor. "Alright, alright, I think it's time for bed now." He spoke softly to her as he carried her over to the couch and laid her down ever so gently. She was already asleep, he tucks her in and kissed her forehead like he had done all for all of these years.

If there was one thing he could ask for out of life is to just watch her age up well, of course he wants her to be this little sweet girl that constantly looks at him for guidance. Picking up her little gift up from the floor, he knew what it is already. With a tear of paper, he was right. Simply it was a box of chocolates, from there he knew that she always will be his sweet child.

A small sniffle brought his attention to Evie. Jacob gave an airy laugh at seeing her all emotional, something he hasn't seen for a very long time. He approached her with the box full of sweets.

"Here, look. Have some sweets, the best cure for feeling better."

She just shook her head with a small smile, looking at him with teary. She didn't say anything, not a single word at all. Instead she went up to her brother to bring him into an embrace. It had completely taken him by surprise, girls seems to be brilliant at it, that he figured out growing up with her. The night was filled with soft laughter coming out of the carriage of Jacob Frye as the train rocked, rolled and went on riding through the City of London as Evie said,

"I think I've seen enough sweets for a day, thanks to you two."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A/N: Yeah, Mothers Day for me (well it was) annnd I thought "Damn, wouldn't it be cute if a child did something for their solo father?" BOOM!! Thought of little Elizabeth and Jacob straight away.

Anyways, Happy Mother's Day to all of the mum's out there. Hope ya'll treat her well, if you have a solo dad than show him a little appreciation too coz... why not!

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cinnonym · 6 years ago

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All of you:

Me: Oh, sure you can have that SQ fic from Robin Hood's POV, absolutely no problem, here you go:

The sheets are impossibly soft as I shuffle against them, soft and silky and way too comfortable for me to find sleep in. Years of making camp on mossy patches in the forest, never completely bare of sticks that press against the back at night, have accustomed my body to rough, imperfect underground and even the few nights I've actually spent in taverns or inns couldn't have prepared me for the luxury of this world. Thick bouncy mattresses and materials called polyester or elastane are as foreign to me as the twangy accent the people from the first curse have. Even Regina has picked it up, the tendency to pronounce the Rs like nobody did back in the Enchanted Forest, sharp and rolling, like stones scraping.

I groan as I turn to my side, a sudden pain shooting through my spine. The caving bed is poison for my back, but Regina loves it like that, enormous and fluffy for her to sink in. Her body is but a silhouette in the dark, the moon shining just bright enough through the shades for my eyes to make out the curve of her hip, pronounced even through the thick blanket. Regina is facing away from me, curled into herself like usual, breathing heavily and unevenly. Her hair is splayed over her pillow, gleaming black against the white and if I leaned over I would see her eyelashes painting a similar shadow against her cheek. She really is magnificent, even in her brokenness, and I have to remind myself again that she's not mine to fix.

As if she heard my thoughts, Regina starts murmuring. She's doing that a lot these days, almost every night, at first quietly, making it impossible to understand her words, than growing louder and louder still until she's screaming. It's always the same routine, and it's always the same couple of sentences: "No! There has to be another way." Sobs. And then "I love you."

It has taken me a while to figure out the meaning of it all. At first I was flattered, thought she meant me, thought this was her way of telling me what she couldn't say at day. At first I thought the eerie déjà vu I got from the phrasing, the feeling to have heard Regina say those exact words before, came from unconsciously listening to her while sleeping myself. Until Emma crossed my way through town, smiling wearily in the arms of her boyfriend, a faint shadow of the vibrant person I had met when I first came here. Now rings have formed under her eyes, almost identical to those Regina has after a particularly hag-ridden night.

Almost a year has passed since the blonde became the Dark One, since she more or less jumped into the black vortex that enclosed Regina and thrust the dagger forward, tethering her soul to it forever. Except forever apparently doesn't apply to saviours because barely two months later Emma got rid of the darkness already and, except for the incident in the realm we call Underbrooke, has lived fairly normally since. Most people have already forgotten about the time of Dark Swan, even I find it hard to remember that particular period sometimes. Hell, even Emma has seemingly forgotten most of it, though Regina claims she's still dealing with the aftereffects of wielding that huge amount of power and fighting not to succumb to it.

And there lies the problem really. Regina is the one still thinking, still worrying about the darkness affecting Emma. Regina is the one still dreaming of the night Emma sacrificed herself and Regina is the one still regretting not to have acted, not to have told Emma what she now cries out almost every night.

"I love you," Regina sobs next to me and some weeks ago my heart would have clenched. I was furious, sad, confused, most of all shocked. Soulmates are said to be an insurance of kinds, your true love, presented to you in a flourish, nicely wrapped in tattoos and pixie dust. They're not supposed to be in love with someone else, they're supposed to be your perfect match.

One week and four nightmares after my realisation, I had enough. When she started murmuring again, I seized her shoulders, shook her awake in tears, demanding answers.

"What are you even talking about," she mumbled, still half-asleep, and she was confused herself about the wetness on her cheeks and pillow. I stopped asking her after that, it was clear she knew less about what was going on than me.

And still the dreams continued, startling me awake when I managed to find sleep for once, until my body learned to stay awake during the hours when they usually occur. I tried to comfort Regina, but she slapped my arm away, thrashing around until I retreated into my half of the bed, at which point she curled back into herself and returned to sobbing. I tried to talk to her about what she saw at night in the mornings, only to find that though she awakes grouchy and tired she's entirely oblivious to the reason for it. There was nothing I could do for her, except hoping she would get better soon.

She didn't and so, for her own good, I have to let her go.

Everything is planned. I met Emma the other day, asked her in Regina's name to stay over at the mansion, told Regina that Emma asked for a sleepover. Only by making each believe it was the other's wish, I could convince them both to agree, and now Emma is sleeping in the guest's room across the corridor.

I fold back the heavy covers and tiptoe to the door. Regina's still crying behind me and for a moment I feel a pang of guilt for leaving her like this. But then the "I love you"s begin again and I know that for her and also my own sanity I have to go.

So I slip out of the door, leaving it slightly ajar, and make my way to Emma's door. I've already lifted my hand to knock, when it swings open and there's Emma, hair tangled and clearly just awoken, nonetheless staring at me with the urgent look she only gets when either Henry or Regina are in danger. Henry or Regina and oh, I should have understood it way earlier, but I've been blinded by pixie dust and a fairy's promise.

"Is that Regina crying? What are you doing here? Does she need help?"

For someone who threatened to hurt anyone who dared to wake her up before nine in the morning, Emma seems very harmless in her spate of questions. However, the force with which she pushes me away is to be reckoned with and it confirms me in my belief that I'm doing the right thing by stepping aside and playing the helpless boyfriend.

"I don't know what's happening. She started crying and screaming, but she won't wake up, do you know what to do?"

Just as I anticipated, Emma all but runs through the door, not even hesitating at the threshold as she would normally, wary to set foot in private chambers. But not now, not when Regina needs her help, and she kneels beside the bed and takes Regina's trembling hand, whispering soothingly words I can't make out. Miraculously, Regina calms, sobbing quieter until finally, she stills.

"Emma?" She suddenly murmurs, half-asleep yet but quickly coming to. I didn't expect this but it fits quite well with my plans, exceeds my hopes to be at least stooge for my soulmate's happy ending.

"I'm here, Regina," Emma whispers back, softer than I've ever heard her talk, and she strokes Regina's sweaty brow and caresses her cheeks. I can only see her profile but the devotion in her eyes is clear as day and it is time for me to leave.

Silently, using all my skills as a thief to not disturb the two women, I turn around and head towards the stairs. Except I'm stopped before I can reach them, by a pale hand and Henry's tousled shock of hair.

"I heard Mom scream," he says under his breath, the same urgency in his voice as in Emma's before. "Is she alright?"

"She will be," I reply, "Emma is with her."

Henry calms, then looks at me with eyes far too wise for a boy of his age and nods solemnly.

"Robin Hood, stealing from the rich and giving to the poor. You were never one to keep treasures for yourself."

I shrug, refusing to look back to the door that's still slightly ajar, and smile wistfully.

"You know she was never mine to begin with."

"See ya around Robin," Henry says after a pause and we both know this is goodbye. I will come back to the mansion, but if everything goes according to plan, it will never be the same again. I hope that Regina and I can be friends, were still soulmates after all, but I also feel that my heart will need time to heal before I can see her with Emma.

"Bye Henry. I'll send Little John to pick up Roland tomorrow morning."

Henry looks back at the smaller boy, allowed to sleep on a folding bed next to Henry's. He lies with a blissful smile on his face and I feel the familiar tug of guilt about forcing him to grow accustomed to yet another difficult family situation.

"He'll be fine," Henry whispers and I finally turn and descend the stairs. The front door is locked and I use my lockpicks to make sure it is again after I let myself out. Storybrooke's streets are deserted as I slowly make my way home to the woods.

The next day I get a message from Henry, the phone Regina talked me into pinging obnoxiously loud in the peaceful silence of the trees. I flip it open and the screen comes alive with the photo the boy sent me. It shows Regina's bed and on it two women, one blonde and one brunette, curled into each other. It's hard to make out in the pixels but it looks like both are smiling. Underneath, Henry just wrote two words:

"Thank you."

#ouat #once upon a time #swanqueen #my writing #fanfiction #robin hood

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vivavinni · 7 years ago

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March 17th, 2018 KC - Mental Me.

Today I don't have anything inspirational to say. I am not in love. I am not politically charged (though I should be.) I'm not even sure I can successfully organize what's been going through my mind, but I need to give it a try.

I saw and shared this post on Facebook today:

This post is so closely relatable. I was the kid who survived multiple suicide attempts; I vacationed in multiple hospitals. I am now the adult who feels ill equipped, unprepared and lost.

My dad died when he was 26 years old, I was 6. Growing up, for me, was much different than most of my friends. My mother was a single parent my entire life. We were always moving, paycheck to paycheck. She did everything she could to keep a roof over my head and keep me alive. We are lucky enough to have a supportive foundation. Our family is a good size, very loving and strong. (This is something I never let go of.)

During years 6-10 I dealt with a good amount of anger and sadness. A great deal of my young childhood is a blur, however, I know for certain I was difficult. I remember I needed certain things to go certain ways to feel mostly comfortable in my skin. (Example- my socks had to be folded over perfectly and fit inside my shoes just right, before I left for school. If they were crooked or slightly uneven I would have a meltdown.) I was and always will be chubby. Even then, I had a lot of small and large insecurities that worried me constantly.

Anxiety, what a friend. He sits right next to Depression, she's always crying about something and obsessing over death.

After years spent fighting my mom about going to counseling meetings and follow ups for learning how to grieve after your best friend and father dies, we thought, "maybe the worst is over..." That was not the case.

A few years passed, maybe age 10-12, and I refused to continue counseling because I didn't understand why I had to do it when none, or most of my friends didn't. I didn't want to be so different, but I was and always will be (and that's okay now). Life seemed relatively normal, I had to adjust to having a new baby sister (which was difficult at first, life moves on). I established a few good friendships and mostly excelled in school. Family gatherings were always a highlight. I was fortunate enough to go on a few very cool vacations to new places which is great fun!

Now, at this point it seems light, happy and chipper, however, I grew up with an obsession with death and all things strange and dark. Keep this in mind. I was weird but hey, I made a couple weird friends so it wasn't too terrible. My favorite shows at this time were CSI: Las Vegas and Buffy, the Vampire Slayer. I also loved gory horror films, thrillers and weird anime. Neat!

Let's fast forward to year 2005, September (already a stressful and emotional month after 9/11/01, my uncle Marc lived only ten blocks away when that occurred but survived well and helped with clean up,) I was a month away from age 14, I believe, I was emotional. I was becoming; I was confused, awkward, angsty, dramatic and a little crazy. Found my way to cope with my friends Anxiety, Depression and new friend Hypermania by way of experimenting with different forms of self harm. You guessed it, I was a cutter and I dabbled in an assortment of substances.

I digress, it's September in 2005, my baby cousin is turning 3 years old, he's gonna have a party! I had the option of staying the night with family or staying with a friend, I chose my friends. The night before my baby cousins birthday party, my uncle Steve (baby cousins father and also my father figure), went to have a beer with someone he thought to be his good friend in need. He, tragically, was wrong. This man shot my uncle twice in the back, as well as committing other atrocious acts before attempting to flea the state.

This event spiked a long downward spiral which eventually led to an uphill battle and this very moment.

I was devastated. My whole family outraged, distraught, grieving, but together. Mental me, lost sight of 'together'. I was lost. I felt alone, hopeless, a nervous wreck, and guilty for choosing to stay with friends instead of family. This turned into depression and suicidal ideation, attempt. I was done, loss of purpose, "what's the point?" Extinction.

My first full hospitalization came after months of self-destruction. It was a very unpleasant experience for me. I was admitted to Research Hospital in their youth psychiatric care unit. They cut my favorite shoelaces off my favorite pair of shoes, striped me down to nothing, heavily medicated me, and told me not to worry. Most of my experience is veiled and distorted by medicine haze. However, I distinctly remember the nurse who was in charge of pm phone calls to home tell me, "I've seen a lot of kids like you, you'll be back again," or something to that effect. After my interaction with her all I remember was turning autopilot on to get myself out of that hospital as quickly and smoothly as possible. I said I felt better, "The meds must be working, I'm working on my steps to release, I'm ready to go home." I lied. I lied my face off. I wasn't ready, the meds weren't right; fake it til you make it out, right?

I stayed in out-patient for a little while with different doctors, different medicines. Faking it to make it. I eventually stopped going and stopped medication. I went through counseling on and off. And continued to self-harm and experiment with different substances. School, to me, was pointless. I stopped showing up, I skipped, got into trouble and eventually made the decision to drop out. For me, school was useless anxiety on top of my generalized anxiety, depression and hypermanic episodes. I was trouble, I was troubled. (Mom, I am so sorry for putting you through so much on top of everything we went through together.)

My mom and I had always had a rocky relationship. It was difficult to relate and be open with her. I'm not entirely sure why it took me so long to figure out she was always on my side and wanted what was best for me. I have some ideas why, but at this point in time they aren't pertinent because now I do have a very strong bond and great deal of respect for her. She loves me unconditionally, as I do her. Through ups and downs and hospital visits we became best friends. I am so grateful for it.

Since the loss of my uncle, I began the journey of my diagnosis and treatment but, not before finding out that my father died of a genetic heart condition called A.R.V.D. My grandma was diagnosed with it as well and has been treated and monitored. I decide, with my mom, that testing for this heart condition was important. In and out of hospitals I went! I was put under multiple stress tests in different variations (one of them I was put under anesthesia for.) Eventually, a temporary heart monitor was placed in my chest for further testing and then I lost insurance.

Here I am! Mental me, years later, without insurance and a dead heart monitor in my chest that should probably be removed soon.

Years have passed. I was hospitalized again after several years of self-harm, destruction, medicine and indulgence. Somehow, I met a few good friends and partners along the way that stayed by my side and helped me after this much brighter stint in the KU Med psychiatric ward.

My KU experience was much more helpful. I took it seriously and learned a great deal about myself, my issues, coping techniques; I learned and accepted that sometimes, hospital visits are necessary and beneficial to mental health and well-being. I knew after that visit that when I am at the point of severe or suicidal ideation there is a safe place to regroup, learn and get better.

Friends, it has taken years and years on this journey to get to this exact moment- Where I am the adult who may be a bit behind because I never planned to make it this far. Here I am! Mental me!

I have been off medications and out of hospitals for nearly four years. I've been through therapy and could always use more of it. It can be helpful. Reach out! Seek the help. Sometimes it will be easier than others to take that step, I know, but keep reaching. Find health coping that works for you. We are not alone even in our most isolated darkness.

When I started writing this I said I didn't have anything inspirational to say because this is all just a piece of my story. I think it's time for me to start sharing it. This is not finished because my story isn't over. And it's true, I never thought I would make it this far, but here I am, MENTAL ME! Let's keep going.

The darkness is temporary, the struggle is constant and the fight is forever. Please, keep fighting, help me fight.

With all my love,

-V

#stayherewithme #stayherewithus #suicideawareness #believeinstayinggold #artsaves #evenifitkillsme #keepreaching #seekhelp #TWLOHA #love #life #selfcare #selflove #beyou #getweird

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