#I've also been thinking of my past selves lately

[kyofsonder]

One of my favorite tropes is when a character (especially in a manga or graphic novel) has a moment of clarity about themself and then looks into a seemingly empty space to look at their child self. When they see that kid's face and then tell them that this moment of clarity has shown them the truth in some way.

I especially love when what they say to their child self comes out as an apology or an assurance.

"It wasn't your fault, you can stop feeling guilty."

"You didn't deserve to suffer, nobody is punished just for existing and all you did was exist as best you could."

"I'm sorry I didn't face you sooner."

"I'm sorry I couldn't save you."

"The things you feared never came true, we're okay."

"The things you feared all came true, but you survived them so much better than you'd ever expected."

"The dreams you held onto until I stole them away from you as we grew up, they really did come true in the end."

"I'm sorry I didn't believe in you."

"The parts of you that feel broken and strange, they fit into places you'd never expect and we're happy in the home we've made for ourself."

"You won't be denied the things you want all your life, just because of who you are and how you feel."

"The things about you that don't make sense, you'll get answers about them eventually."

"You're not alone, there are others who are similar to you."

"You did so well carrying us through our childhood, I'll do my best to keep carrying us now."

It's happened in a few stories I've read recently, and it's how I envision the conversation when I write letters to my own past self for therapy homework. It's cliche and oversimplifies some concepts, but it's so healing to see. It's so good. From realistic fiction to fantasy, from horror to slice of life, from plot-convenient hallucinations to actual time travel, I love this trope in every iteration.

Bonus points if they hug their crying childhood self, or are crying while getting a hug from their cheerful childhood self. Extra bonus points if the realization is about either trauma or a queer and/or disabled identity.

[thewertsearch]

Ask Comp 19/10

That's true - we don't know for sure that Trollian can fully emulate Sburb's surveillance capabilities.

If the trolls were sufficiently motivated, though, they wouldn't actually need to. Sollux could probably hack one of the kids' computers, to gain access to their Sburb viewport - although if he did, he wouldn't need a camera to snoop on their messages.

Is there a paranoia Aspect? I think I've finally found my calling.

anonymous asked: heya! ive just finished re-reading your ENtIRE liveblog and i to send asks about some stuff but i waited to finish so im sendind everything at once! (im gonna send stuff in a bunch of small asks so cat can stop just one instead of the whole thing in case of accidental spoilers) (aslo hi cat!) (also its ninnoy, havent sent an ask in a while but i changed my pfp to something slightly more spoilery so im in anon now) [...] the jade pen pal thing, do you have any new theories on who it could be?

None! I'm sure that it's someone derived from Grandpa Harley, but everything else is a mystery.

I have no particular theories about who he is, how he knows Jade, where he got his hands on so many endgame weapons, or why he's got such an antiquated accent if he's watching movies from the 80s. I assume time travel is involved, but that doesn't really narrow anything down in a comic like this. He (she? they?) is a complete enigma, and I'll just have to wait to learn more.

ALsO WHEREs YOUR sONAs? we havent seen them in so long im afraid sahlle might have actueally died of meteor strike (joking of course) also have you realized that "sally" and "cat" are both one letter of from a valid kid name? you could lend her one of your "L"s

I've actually been workshopping some Quest stuff for Sahlee this week! I suppose I'd need to figure out her Title first, though, and for that, I'd need to get a more solid idea of her personality, and how her experiences on Alternia have shaped her.

in one of your last posts you seemed to imply that the multiverse exists inside the timeline, but ive always read it as the opposite, the timeline inside the universe that would explain why the trolls can pick any time from the humans universe to talk to them but cant have private conversations with their own futute/past selves, its not an inherent part of trollian, they are just outside the human timeline (the memos are still trollian being time fucky) dont know if that makes any difference but its a thought also i realize the tag may be unecessary due to my quirk, but its too late to stop now

(NOTE: quirk omitted for readability, but the substitutions are [t -> 7, s -> 2] - sort of a variant of Sollux's quirk. I actually don't think we've seen any quirks which add a 7, so the voice here is distinct from any trolls we've seen so far. I like it!)

Originally, my assumption was that each timeline contained a duplicate of the entire multiverse. Doomed timelines don't seem to let you communicate with other universes/dimensions, though, so they don't need to contain other sectors of reality. I'm currently of the opinion that doomed timelines only contain an instance of the dimension they were doomed in. The only timeline which contains the entire multiverse is the Alpha.

This mechanic keeps doomed timelines simple, but in-universe, I don't know why it exists. Much like the Alpha itself, it's a mystery I can only speculate about.

has the shipping chart been updated since the last time we saw it? also you (at some point) said that equius<>feferi was a controversial ship so i had to go back to check the notes and i was the only person i found talkig about it so i guess im the whole controversy? if thats the case i would like to thank you for recognizing me as the equius<>feferi number 1 hater (all jokes of course)

I got a few skeptical asks about Equius<>Feferi, but you're the only one who discussed it on the post itself. I guess by some measures, you are the most dedicated hater, because your hate was posted publicly! 🤣

I could make one or two changes, but I don't want to post a new chart until the kids meet the trolls in person, hopefully at the end of the Act!

The Scratch, naturally - but I'm also looking forward to seeing exactly how WV was Exiled. He's currently on Skaia, and Jack has lost interest in him, so who's actually sending him through the portal?

Tavros is barely a presence on the Land he's ostensibly the hero of, and all of his actions are being dictated by a third party who can physically control his body. This third party does not acknowledge or respect Tavros's own desires, effectively forcing him to play the game in a way that she personally approves of.

She claims it will make him stronger.

@bladekindeyewear submitted: That was a long, thorough, and fantastic response! It's fascinating seeing your opinion on these things-- and I'm glad to see that considering the questions we've given you seems to have made you more paranoid. But I'm just not entirely sure you're paranoid ENOUGH. Not yet. Much like how you just found that "BREEZE" quote in your Breath research, back at around the time you've now reached in the comic, we had dozens of theory-miners combing back through everything that had been said and shown in Homestuck, over and over again, searching for anything we might have missed that might have been of some importance. [...] So, uh….. how do I put this… Would you prefer to strictly handle that sort of thing all by yourself, as you've said? Which I'd agree is still the best way that you should keep to, for the most part? Or would you mind if I gave you just a CRUMB of an example, only one? A tiny bit of text that we in the theory community only found at about the time you've reached in the comic, even though it was more than a thousand pages earlier?

Shit, this is such a dilemma. I'm honestly really torn.

See, I'd probably find old fandom theories absolutely fascinating to analyze. I'd love to know how closely my ideas align with those of the early Homestuck fandom, and whether I'm saying anything really out-of-pocket. My analysis of Sollux's ~ATH script was apparently an original theory, and it's honestly one my proudest moments.

But that's also sort of the problem, isn't it? If I dive too deeply into other people's fan theories, they'll start to affect my own - and if I'm introduced to a really compelling fan theory, it could end up replacing any homegrown theories that I could have developed in lieu of it. If someone had send me a well-reasoned ~ATH theory before I did my own analysis, I'd probably have been less motivated to make the analysis in the first place. After all, many of my questions would already have been answered by a clever theory I just read.

People are free to send me their own off-the-cuff opinions on what's happening in the comic, or their own takes on any meta I write. I get a lot of asks like that, and they're some of my favorites. There are also asks which spoil a little too much, but I'm still interested in their takes, so Cat's saving them for later. We don't really delete asks - we just delay the ones that aren't necessarily appropriate for a blind liveblog.

Obviously there's a fine line here, and whether a given ask is a theory or just an opinion is a little subjective - but in my opinion, the influence that asks and submissions have had on my analysis has been relatively minor. I don't think many of my theories have been spawned from an ask, or killed by one.

This is a little different, though, because it's part of a theory that was crowdsourced over several years. It doesn't sound like something that could be inferred by an individual, so I'm not sure if it's something an individual liveblogger should necessarily know about? If I start crowdsourcing my analysis, my theories will be less Wertsearch and more fandom consensus, and I don't think I'd enjoy that as much.

I really want to know, but I think I'll enjoy the liveblog more if I don't. When I finish the comic, I'll gleefully analyze any fan theory that anyone sends me - but for now, I'll just have to wonder, and come up with theories of my own!

Yeah, we've really been getting into it with Vriska lately. I've enjoyed trying to explain and predict her actions, and I'm glad people don't think I'm going overboard when trying to analyze her.

When a character does something interesting, I don't like to move on until I have a theory about why they did it. Sure, it may be refuted later, but it needs to be something that's consistent with what I currently know about their personality.

Vriska takes a particularly long time to puzzle out in this way. Her motivations are derived from a complex web (lol) of factors, including Scratch, Spidermom, her rivalry with Terezi, her horrendous relationship with Tavros, classism, teenage hormones, quadrant politics, highblood society and the Alternian culture of violence. They all inform her decisions, and any combination of them could have been the catalyst for the latest Vriska Incident.

I want characters to make sense to me, and Vriska is written to deliberately challenge my attempt to achieve this. Her meta is fun to write, so I'm glad it's also fun to read!

[valoisfulcanellideux]

We've got a few things to unpack…

It's becoming more and more clear that Empires Season 2 is winding down. People are finalising builds (and, in Pix's case with that massive castle, practically speedrunning builds), and I'm beginning to see things that are tying together little threads that have been teased throughout the season.

Now, I've not had time to keep up with everyone's episodes of late, as I've been so busy, so mainly I've been watching Pix and Sausage. And Sausage's episode today had some very interesting stuff in it, so let's unpack and analyse some of it. Any bolding is mine, to denote things to pay attention to.

This will be long, so behind the cut with you!

First up, something seemingly small: the tattoos that both he and Scott have. Scott's are, as to be expected, colourful. Sausage's are a mixture of his 'good self' and his 'bad self' now merged back into one after being split asunder in Season 1:

Sausage: "And yes, I do have tattoos; I've had them for a very long time. The only thing, though: they have changed a little bit. [I] pretty much just had a sunflower tattoo, and I've had that for a very long time, but ever since that merger happened [it] looks like my other self had this… almost like a withering vine kind of tattoo. but it looks pretty cool, though! It's a perfect mixture, actually. Huh, look at that. These are pretty special."

He then goes to meet Scott, and it turns out that their tattoos almost match when put together, forming the shape of a heart:

Also of note: when Sausage and Scott go to Tumble Town for their 'beach relaxation' they find a cod statue in the river. And we all know already that the Mezalean King came back briefly to build something in Tumble Town.

Next, the new castle in Sanctuary. It's a blend of several things:

Sausage: "This is a pretty special castle. If you really notice, it's really not like a traditional castle, and now that I'm whole again, it has technically a mixture of both my selves. A little bit of the bad side in the base [points to deepslate foundations] going up to the good side on the top [pointing at wood and colour and foliage]… the base is a little reminiscent of a previous Kingdom, if you noticed. Also mixing in the styles here of Sanctuary with this wood bit; nice brick roofs here on the side towers. And then the top bit; I took some inspiration from our sun god right here: Bdoubleo100. Almost like a little Oriental flair there to the top."

It's also called The Castle of Memories.

I'm going to skip ahead a bit here, as there was something else he mentioned when examining the build:

Sausage: "Of course, we've got window pop-outs everywhere, overgrown going all the way to the top […] We've got the lovely planters over here with live coral and a nice overgrown feel around the side."

Note that he says "overgrown going all the way to the top" and not "overgrowth". And live coral? Hello, Ocean Empire?

So, we now have Mezalea, the Cod Empire, Mythland, the Ocean Empire, and - possibly - House Blossom (the Overgrown) in Season 2.

Now back to the initial reveal of the castle:

Sausage: "And, as we come on down, I think it's a really cool mix of everything we've done here so far. Also including some bits of what we haven't seen yet…"

Hello? Sir, HELLO? Copper? And aged copper, at that? In addition, it's something that "we haven't seen yet"?

I first watched this episode on my phone, and freaked out when I saw the copper. Watching it again on my monitor, I can now see that the copper is a wheel, much like the one in Bdub's base on Hermitcraft. But, since I doubt that anything more will come from the crossover on the Hermit's side of things I'm not sure whether the shape of the copper has significance, or if it's only the copper itself that has meaning.

Which leads us to Pix. The man is frantically completing an incredible castle ruin at the Ancient Capital, and - if you've been watching his streams - you'll know what the Ancient Capital actually was in its past. If you haven't been watching, you can read my transcription of the important sections here.

Warning for spoilers ahead, as Pix hasn't revealed this yet in his episodes…

… … … …

SPOILERS - LAST CHANCE TO STOP READING!

… … … …

OK, so the Ancient Capital was built by some of the different empires' survivors of the great Grimlands blast that ended Season 1, coming together to create a new "capital of commerce and technology" (to quote Pix). Parts of the castle are being built in Grimlands style, and Pix had begun another part that he says will probably be built in Crystal Cliffs style.

Remember when he said [paraphrased, as I don't have the exact quote to hand right now] "As to how ancient Pixandrian technology found its way here… trust the Lore Man,"? In that transcribed stream he also confirmed that Pixandrian migrants brought the technology for their copper aging facility to the Ancient Capital, which is why it's more advanced than the one he had in Season 1.

So we now also have Grimlands, Crystal Cliffs, and Pixandria in Season 2. Gilded Helianthia is also a given, with the Ancient Capital statue and paintings, and all the references to Santa Pearla. The Lost Empire is also kind of referenced, in the form of Gaia, Sausage's mount for Season 2, as well as in Lizzie's origin story.

ETA: Reblog tags have reminded me that we also have the Undergrove, which has been referenced back to in Shelby's videos.

Pix himself is now a ghost, having withered away when wearing the crown (more mentions of withering, hailing back to Pearl's death in S1, the flowers in front of Pearl's painting that hides the route down to the Kings' Crypt in the Ancient Capital having also turned into wither roses, and - of course - Sausage's "bad side" withering tattoos).

Pix's own words about being a ghost:

Pix: "Maybe the archaeologist of the Ancient Capital and the creator/curator of the museum was… a piece of the past himself all along. Either way, I still have a lot to do."

Like... maybe - as the server's unofficial DM - saving the world or 'ending the game', as he was unable to do in Season 1? Because there's still the matter of the king who has been pursuing Sausage, and who - at the end of his latest episode - has finally found where Sausage has been hiding...

The only Season 1 empire that we're now missing a reference to is Rivendell. And I'm wondering if that's where the Fae come in.

People… Season 2 is being tied together beautifully with Season 1, and I'm fucking HERE FOR IT.

(Also, as a side-note on a personal level: I spent this morning frantically scribbling notes for how the eventual ending of my story These Stones Remember will take place. Those notes really ramp up the time-crossing between archaologist!Pix and CopperKing!Paix, and I am going slightly crazy (/pos) at the thought that my favourite content creators appear to be blending past and future in a similar way that I am!)

[mischief-lies-and-stories]

Oh My God What Theory # Is This, I Don't Care

Spoilers for Loki and Loki: Agent of Asgard okay let's crack into it because it's late when I'm writing this and my brain is breaking.

Theory: Loki the series has been an adaptation of Loki: Agent of Asgard this whole time.

I've been complaining about this since season one, namely because Ewing does an amazing job with genderfluid Loki, and the Loki writers, well, you know. But actually story-wise, I think they actually did do their research. Let's break this down.

In the book, Loki takes on a job with the All-Mother to work for Asgard to do missions in exchange for expunging past sins.

In the show, to prevent himself from getting pruned, he takes on a job to work for the TVA to help with their missions.

In the book, he inadvertently hunts down and captures a future version of himself. In the show, he's been hired on specifically to help hunt down and capture an alternate version of himself.

Both selves (unwittingly) serve to provide him with the tools he needs to become a better version of himself and reach his true potential, outside of what the narrative (Asgard/Marvel comics and the TVA/He Who Remans/MCU) says he needs to be.

An unlikely ally (Verity in the comics, Mobius in the show) gives him the compassion and trust that he needs to believe in himself and his capacity for becoming whoever he wants to be.

Loki transitions into the void in the book in flames. In the show, he's pruned.

In the void, he meets his others: Kid Loki and Old Loki (not the future Old Loki, but the Loki he was) and a magpie. In the show, he also meets his others in the void: Kid Loki and Classic Loki (both of whom are similar in name and/or appearance to their counterparts in the comic scene), among others (not a magpie but a crocodile).

The show differs here, taking Loki out of the void but not yet concluding his arc of ego death. Because Loki in the show is still learning to believe in himself, to identify what he cares about, to become a hero and what that means. He's still too wrapped up in Sylvie--in himself--and also in being incapable of separating the fact that she is his variant but that she is also her own person with her own opinions and feelings and needs that differ from his. She wants to be free of the TVA's influence, but she also doesn't really want anything to do with him. Loki is still, at this point, at the equivalent in his personal growth to Kid Loki in Journey into Mystery, with the magpie version of himself, Ikol, as his companion (Kid Loki doesn't always listen to his advice, but he chooses to keep him around for guidance and company anyway). MCU Loki is fascinated by Sylvie, to put it kindly, and wants to keep her close to him as he figures out what she means to him and for his personal development. So ego death does not end when he leaves the void in the show, as it does in the comic.

Because in ego death, this happens:

Loki is focusing on his reasons to grow and change, rather than remain in the void or possibly actually die, or even say fuck it all, and become the person Old Loki (pretends he) wants him to become. His brother, his friend (Verity), and his capacity for change, his determination for change.

This feels very much like his conversation with Sylvie in episode five, and his ultimate realization at the end of the episode. "I want my friends back. I don't want to be alone." And even what he tells Don/Mobius about their relationship: "You saw something in me that I couldn't see in myself." They are his why, his reasons to finally finish the cycle of ego death and become the person he is meant to be, the person so many people have been speculating he's moving towards in this season's arc: The God of Stories.

Which is who they are in the comic when they emerge from the chrysalis of ego death and return to reality (and Verity).

In addition to grappling with his why and discovering it's a who (which I initially thought was himself, but in recalling that panel from AoA when he's in the void, I think it refers to himself AND those he cares about), in addition to finally admitting to himself and out loud that he cares about his friends and is afraid of being alone (WHICH LOKI BASICALLY ALSO SAYS IN THE COMIC)

We come to discover that the original ally, the original first friend, the one who in the source material gives Loki the courage and confidence to undergo ego death at last (the magpie has been heralding this event's approach throughout the comic), has been with him from the very start of his journey in the show as well.

We discover that B-15's true name is VERITY WILLIS.

In the comic, after he returns from ego death, he saves Verity by learning and collecting her STORY. In episode 5, he collects each of his friends and discovers each of their life stories on the timeline. (I worry this similarity to the comics may not yet be concluded in the show, but I'll get to that later.)

So there is something Loki does after ego death in the comics, in addition to being christened God of Stories

This is not the first time she has physically shifted gender in this comic, nor is it the first time she explains that this shape is also her. This does, however, mark a change in how characters in Ewing comics refer to Loki. In Defenders Beyond and The Immortal Thor (and I think Loki: The Liar? But that isn't a Ewing comic), Loki shifts to using they/them pronouns instead of he/him pronouns. This is very very subtle, and we have been badly burned by Marvel lying about canonizing Loki's genderfluidity in the MCU just last season. However,

this moment ultimately serves as a coming-out moment to Verity, since it's the first time she sees Loki presenting as a gender other than a man. So explicitly in the text, it is possible that we will get a similar moment in the finale or the next time we see Loki after the episode (either in a potential season 3 or another movie/series), since so much has to happen in this episode to wrap up the season/series.

The comic concludes with Loki rescuing Verity and their family by collecting their stories and stepping outside of the narrative until the world restarts again. I'm afraid Loki will not be able to save the multiverse before the end of the episode, and the only way forward will be to collect the life stories of his friends in order to save them and walk out of the narrative. Alternatively, this may not happen until a potential season 3. The reason I think this is because in the comic, they save their loved ones from an incursion. At the end of Doctor Strange 2, we watched the beginning of the incursion. We haven't heard anything about it since. The movies in the phase may need to establish this situation before Loki can do anything about it, and he's going to need to figure out how to save his friends and literally walk out of reality. (Please can we get Cloud in the MCU in a couple phases??? That's the natural progression of things, if we ignore everything that happens to Loki's character between AoA and DB, and frankly, we should.)

And finally, as I've been demanding since before season two aired, upon realizing that this show has been AoA Loki's arc all along, merely reimagined to fit the moment in the MCU's arc we are at right now, I am once again asking Marvel

WHERE IS THE COAT GIVE ME THE COAT IF I DON'T SEE THE COAT ON THURSDAY I AM GOING TO RIOT THIS WAS ALL FOR THE COAT GIVE ME THE FUCKING COAT YOU COWARDS

[akolnoix]

I've been following for a bit and I was wondering about your p4 au(?)/rewrite that you have going on honestly seeing you p4 posting has been making me think about it a lot more recently. Also you have a lovely art style!

thank you! it's honestly nothing very concrete, just an assortment of musings that i play around with in my mind for fun... might as well post some of my ramblings (apologies that it's long and a mess)

-im kinda obsessed with trying to make accomplice ending work? the ending itself in p4g is pretty great (seeing the "yu has forged a bond that cannot be broken" text you get for max social link is sooooo good) and fits thematically, it's just that it has like NO proper buildup to it to make it feel even remotely plausible.

so i'm thinking you'd have to really go out of your way to get it. like in addition to maxing out adachi's SL, you can't advance any other characters' SL past like rank 3 or something early on, and you have to select certain dialogue options (like the original game has so many mean/detached responses you can pick to be a dickhead lol), you have to refuse optional hangouts with your friends. and Then you have to choose to not reveal him. so through consistently refusing to truly connect with/care about the people around you, the protag can somewhat reach a similar worldview to adachi, and conceivably relate to him.

-izanami brings up the tv world also being a product of outside perception, but the actual implementation of it in the game feels messy and often like it's just there as a way to give reason for the shadows desiring transgressive things for shock value without committing to them being real aspects of the characters (like, how kanji's shadow is extremely stereotypically gay not just in mannerisms but in overtly showing interest in men, but in kanji's acceptance+future appearances they make sure to assert that the real kanji is not actually gay)

so i've been kinda toying with the idea that instead of the shadows as presented in p4, there would be like multiple fractured shadows in conflict? like i think it would be neat to play more off the tension between how the characters are perceived by the town vs their repressed selves, idk

-i've been turning naoto's arc around in my head a lot over the years... like the easiest thing to do would be transplant the existing (attempted) narrative to a trans woman naoto. but i also want to do right by canon naoto, who sees himself as a man, desires to be one, only gives up on that because he believes he can't become one, and gets treated like dogshit by the narrative for it. so lately i've drifted to the harder challenge of working out the logistics to make a satisfying+believable arc for trans man naoto. i've got concepts but i don't have enough worked out in this regard yet to talk about here.

-im autistic and rise has always read as such to me, so i'm being self-indulgent and making that an overt aspect of her arc. i grew up subconsciously masking my autism, and it wasn't until i experienced autistic burnout just after graduating highschool that i discovered just how much of myself i had been suppressing, and how much was constructed. it was like i had never known my true self until age 18, or noticed just how badly that repression hurt me.

so um. you might say i saw a lot of myself in rise. she's got a slightly different scenario, but still a pretty autistic one. a child with no friends because everyone thinks they're strange, who decides to learn how to be Normal in hopes of obtaining any human connection. but because she can't be herself, the connections she does make don't feel genuine. her becoming an idol specifically is really fantastic thematically, a career all about commodifying not just your body or talents but your very personality, for a girl highly manufactured on every level to appear Normal.

for the brief period you see her in person before her shadow, rise practically has a flat affect and monotone, with everyone commenting on how different she is from her idol persona, and i'd like to actually retain that as an aspect of her character. i'd like to shift her arc to being about relearning that aspect of herself, and allowing herself to be that. even if just among friends. her idol persona is still part of her (she made it after all, and it can be useful), but she was harming herself by thinking it was all she should be.

i've always hated her going back to being an idol (especially the way they executed it ugh) but it might be nice if she stuck with music...

-yosuke internalized homophobia arc is a gimme

-naturally a major aspect is in the differences btw a playthrough as yu narukami vs femc. as an ex-delinquent she experiences more hostility from the general populace and dojima. oh and i don't care for super self-inserty protags so yu and masami have more established personalities+history+etc.

i imagine the narukami sibling dichotomy is that yu tries to be perfect and masami intentionally disappoints (opposite attention-seeking responses to their ambiguously distant parents), and in their trip to inaba yu takes the opportunity to let loose, while masami reigns in the delinquent behavior (because dojima will actually react to what she does). and they both benefit from the power of friendship etc etc

-sometimes i enjoy daydreaming about a "cross-dressing" sequence that's actually fun. where the crew hang out in yu's room or something and try on each other's stuff for fun. and chie gets a buzz cut

-while it's very true that women can be bigots, that p4 claims that kanji would think that men are more accepting of gender nonconformity in men than women is something just. utterly detached from reality. it makes more sense that he thought there was no possibility of acceptance from boys so he never tried, but he thought there was a chance with girls but was rejected by them too, so he distances himself from everyone.

and i think kanji can be gnc AND gay. for many people there is a real fear of stereotype, of reinforcing them, but that repulsion is misplaced. stereotypes are bad when they are used to dehumanize, but to be a effeminate gay man, a fat butch lesbian, a trans woman with a beard, are not bad things to be. and i think it'd suit kanji to have that sort of conflict, and metatextually to take those aspects of canon that were so negatively presented and transform them

and i think it would suit his love of cute things to eventually start dressing cutesy.

-i've definitely got more in my brain i could say or i forgor but this post is long enough

[glitch-karma]

Could you do a short story of shinobu’s reincarnation remembering her last memories as a demon slayer and the reader (who was also a demon slayer reincarnation) helps shinobu recover from her trauma?

-GN!Y/n

-Y/n does not have vivid memories of her past life like Shinobu, only feelings

-Y/n and Shinobu are both college students

-HUGEEEEEE MANGA SPOILERS YO

-I know their reincarnated selves have different names but for the sake of my sanity I'm calling her Shinobu lmao

There she sat, her hands neatly folded as she sat on her bed in thought. Lately, Shinobu had been having strange memories. They were all in fragments. She didn't understand any of them. Katanas of different colors, strange-looking people that almost didn't look human, her dear sister...

Shinobu looked to the floor and frowned. What was this anger building up in her chest? It feels so familiar. Like it was something she used to always feel. Something was slowly snapping. And she didn't understand.

"Kocho?"

Shinobu hadn't even heard Y/n step into the room. And failed to notice them right in front of her. She looked up into their warm eyes, staring at them for a few seconds.

"Are you alright?" Y/n questioned, sitting on the bed with the girl. Shinobu swallowed dryly. "I'm fine." She lied. Y/n felt that she was lying. Just like she always used to. She didn't know why, but she just knew.

"Shinobu," Y/n said softly, "I can see that something is troubling you. If you'd like, I'm here to listen."

Shinobu sighed, looking away for a moment before looking back into their eyes. "I.. Please don't think I'm crazy." "I promise."

"..Lately I've been having strange memories. In the form of dreams. Brightly colored Katanas. People I didn't know all around me. My sister... Dying by some kind— of thing. Battles I fought in, losses I suffered—I was so... I'm so angry. I don't understand. Reliving the pain, the losses. Losses I don't even remember. It's as if I carried the weight of all those lives on my shoulders. Even though I don't know them."

Y/n squeezed her shoulder gently, offering reassurance. "I can only imagine how challenging it must be going through... It's gonna be okay. Dreams can be powerful. They have a way of reminding us of things we've buried deep within ourselves. But remember, you are not alone. I'm here."

She blinked back tears, her emotions visibly overwhelming her. "Thank you for your kind words. It means a lot to me, especially coming from you." Shinobu spoke quietly as Y/n's arms wrapped around her. "It's okay to cry, Shinobu," Y/n whispered softly. "Let it out. We all have moments when the pain becomes overwhelming."

Shinobu nodded as fresh tears flowed softly, a newfound determination shining in her eyes. "Thank you," she said, her voice filled with gratitude. Y/n squeezed her hand gently, offering her support. "Anytime, Shinobu. I'll be here for you whenever you need someone to talk to. You are not alone on this journey."

With a sense of renewed hope, Shinobu took a deep breath and wiped away her tears. The two of them sat in companionable silence, the weight on Shinobu's heart gradually lifting. In that quiet moment, the weight of the past seemed a little lighter, and the future, though uncertain, held a glimmer of hope. With Y/n's unwavering support, she found solace and determination to face the challenges ahead. In that moment, they both understood the power of empathy and the healing it could bring to even the deepest wounds. Whether they remembered or not.

(Hope you all enjoyed this <333)

[a-friendly-fangirl]

Random thoughts on We're in Love (or "Your average Italian girl has had an awful week and Boygenius' love saves her ass again"):

So, I've been listening to the Boys and to their solo stuff the whole week (for the past 5 months, to be honest... but who's counting?) and I've been going crazy lately for the beauty of We're in Love.

I think we can all acknowledge that that song is one of the greatest songs in "The Record" and one of the best ever written. And then I started bawling, when my mind got stuck on its lyrics and realised just how heartbreaking and beautiful it is.

This will be kind of my personal analysis (also inspired by some suggestions here and there... thank you to all the geniuses around that have noticed certain things. I wish I could write down all your names, but my memory is awful), so if you disagree with it or feel the need to add something, do it. I'd be happy to meet more Boygenius fans!

Ok, I'd like to begin with the third and fourth line of the first verse, where Lucy sings: "I don't need the symbol of a scar/ So put down the knife, we're not swapping blood". And yet, in "The film", Julien still takes a blood oath with the young versions of Lucy and Phoebe. I think that this was such an interesting choice to make, considering the difference between the words and the actions. This actually makes sense though, when underlining that 20$ is Julien's song and these words belong to Lucy.

Julien, as her solo albums readily witness, has no real problem with hurting herself ('Cause I'm so good at hurting myself - Brittle Boned) both physically and psychologically. We also know, from 20$, that she does believe in being connected to Phoebe and Lucy in every universe or life (In another life we were arsonists). Lucy does too with them (And I told you of your past lives; In the next one [life], will you find me? - We're in Love). Same goes for Phoebe, even though it's a little more subtle with her. In fact, more than believing in other lives, she seems to believe in changing herself in the present life, so much that, even though Emily I'm Sorry is her song, she has decided to sing it with her best friends, because, maybe, she'd rather be someone that can be loved by them in particular and not someone only Emily "could want".

To better understand the scar line/imagery, I think it important to notice that Julien doesn't take the blood oath with her adult friends but with their younger selves. In my opinion, it's like a machine has brought them in Julien's universe or timeline to help her get out of her home, which, listening to her music, is a synonym of recovery or at least of a better state of mind (in Go Home and Please Stay, it is quite clear: "I wanna go home, I'm sick", while in Graceland Too she finally gets out once she's feeling better). But, not belonging there (and we know they don't thanks to Julien's surprised expression when she sees little Phoebe), pehaps she's afraid that she'll lose them once they're done with the car, therefore asking them to do that oath. Childhood scars never fully leave us, so Julien might be convinced that it'll help adult Phoebe and Lucy to remember her, once they meet as intended or hoped.

When you think about it, the layers here are so many that it's scary. Scars have always at least a touch of negativity, even when you get them for something not negative per se (I have so many scars I got from running around as a child...), because they always follow pain. Julien and Phoebe have dealt with it their whole life and have actively put themselves through it more than once, so of course Julien chooses to use a knife (which also brings us back again to Please Stay: "The hunting knife you kept by your bed". I don't think the mention in We're in Love is a coincidence) against herself if it means being sure Phoebe and Lucy know it's her. But Lucy stops her for two main reasons:

Julien won't have to wait for them to find her, because she and Phoebe will, according to Lucy, be the ones going to her, if they want to (Will you find me?);

Instead of remembering each other through something painful, they could use the happy and positive memories they've shared in this life. Lucy once again wants to do everything in her power to dismantle her friends' self-destructive tendencies and replace them with something good (even the "happy" in Letter to an Old Poet was her suggestion).

Moving on to the next lines (Isn't it enough that we stripped down to our skin?/ Cold and porcelain like bathers in a painting), the beauty of this specific portrait delivered by Lucy kind of proves the point just made. Saying that the skin is "cold" and "porcelain" delivers a poetic image of extreme fragility that could be both literal or figurative and it shows just how much they trust each other. What Lucy appears to be pointing out is that she doesn't need any more pain to believe they're in love with each other, since they've already done the great sacrifice of showing themselves when they were most vulnerable (something they're still learning to do, according to recent interviews).

In Lucy's specific case (And I told you of your past lives, every man you've ever been/ It wasn't flattering, but you listened like it mattered), I'd go as far as to think that she did that by letting Phoebe and Julien listen to the stories of her past friendships or even relationships, telling them whom she had had by her side before them. She sings that that tale wasn't flattering: why? If I had to express myself on that, I'd guess, by her albums, that, just like any other human being, even Lucy has had a lot of troubled bonds with people she might have wrongly thought were as true and loyal to her as the Boys are now (take Strange Torpedo, Nonbeliever or Brando as examples). My personal take on this part is that she hasn't tried to tell Phoebe and Julien who they've been in the past, but to confess them who had had their roles in her life previously, feeling perhaps embarassed by it. But they're in no way bored or mad at her for that, listening, however, "like it mattered" (quoting True Blue: "It doesn't matter anymore", 'cause they're together now, but it is still important to her that they are paying attention to this part of her story).

She also admits being open to them about her own insecurities, especially the fear of being or seeming crazy (I feel crazy in ways I never say/ Will you still love me if it turns out I'm insane?/ I know what you'll say, but it helps to hear you say it anyway), making herself vulnerable by exposing this side of her she usually keeps hidden in hope of being reassured by them, which they've probably done a thousand times already.

Long story short, coming to the end of the first chorus: Lucy loves and values them for the trust they've put in each other and no scar will ever match that feeling. I have a lot more to say about the rest of the song, but this is mostly me ranting about it, so I'll see how it goes. Sorry for all of this :P

[demadogs]

Do you know any good wlw movies/ TV shows on netflix? I've watched a few, I am not ok with this, Carol, duck butter, but im LESBIAN DEPRIVED!

~🌈

YOU AND ME BOTH GIRLY.

unfortunately almost all my favorite sapphic shows have been canceled especially the ones on netflix but i do still think theyre worth your time. but it might also kill you bc the story isnt finished. all these shows are also just amazing plots too. like i would love them just as much even if there wasnt wlw relationships.

heres what i got for shows but not all of these are on netflix.

the wilds. this is an AMAZING SHOW. its on amazon its about a staged plane crash where 8 girls are stuck on an island but they dont know that its all a fucked up social experiment. a lesbian relationship became established before it got canceled after s2.

cable girls. this is on netflix and it actually DIDNT GET CANCELED HALLELUJAH. its an amazing show but it actually doesnt really count as sapphic bc one of the characters in the wlw relationship ends up being trans. but its still a great queer love. this shows spanish and set in late 1920s madrid at a telephone company. its one of my favorite shows ever literally every season is better than the last plz watch it.

everything sucks. this is on netflix and it did get canceled but the lesbian relationship was mostly established before the end of the first season. its set in the 90s and its just a really cute show im mad it got canceled.

paper girls. this is on amazon and ngl this is one of the most painful sapphic show cancelations ive ever suffered through so if you dont wanna watch it just bc of that i dont blame you. its about these four young girls who accidentally time travel from the 80s to current day and meet their future selves. the gay girlies are heavily implied and foreshadowed but they dont get together before the end of the show :(

the last of us!!! not canceled its still going!! this show has an episode that shows a past sapphic relationship with the lesbian main character but the first season doesnt introduce a new relationship yet. the second season will tho. im sure youve heard about this or already watched it but its about a zombie-like pandemic from a deadly fungus and its total post apocalyptic. also AMAZING found family father/daughter trope. dare i say i actually think i like them more than el and hopper.

i really need to find more great sapphic movies.

my favorite lesbian movie of all time is portrait of a lady on fire. its a french period piece and its just beautiful and THERE ARE LIKE ZERO MEN IN THE WHOLE MOVIE. i think the only line a man has is “bonjour” and thats it. MY KINDA MOVIE!!!!! INSTANT 5 STARS!!!!! i love this movie. the initial premise is that a woman needs to be painted but she cant know that shes being painted so the other woman has to just study her while hanging out and then paint her from memory. it ends up being much more than that but gaaahhh if you only watch one of these make it this movie.

another iconic sapphic movie is but im a cheerleader. way different tone much less dramatic and more comedy but still never gets old.

you didnt mention books but im gonna give you book recs anyway.

seven husbands of evelyn hugo!!!!!!! im sure youve heard about this. i dont think its overrated at all it really was such a good book and dont let the title fool you its gay as hell. if youre really not a reader tho this is going to be a netflix movie soon.

an amazing duo book series is criers war. i LOVE scifi and fantasy and this is my favorite sapphic scifi story ive ever read/watched. i want this to be a movie or show so bad. its about a world where some people are people and some are what they refer to as “automa” which are essentially cyborgs but they look just like humans. crier is an automa and the daughter of a king and ayla is a poor human and she has a vendetta against crier bc her father was responsible for her familys murder but crier doesnt know this! so then ayla gets the job as her maid for the goal of killing her basically but of course it gets super gay instead. its such an interesting take on the enemies to lovers trope bc its one sided, cryer has no idea ayla considers her her enemy. also neither of them are white i think crier is brown and ayla is black.

i hope you like these! and if anybody else has lesbian story recs plz put it in the replies or rbs cuz i also need more lesbian content!!!

[pardonmydelays]

> "most people who used to love lin in the past are his biggest haters now"

> "maybe pjo fandom is not as terrible as i thought"

two things! one: i actually did used to hate lin, but that was a short phase, and i realized i actually was upset at my younger self, and was just taking it out on people and things i associated with who i was at that time

two: that really made me think, so i have some comments actually! they’re not super insightful or conclusive, but: (if you don’t mind)

i think lin and rick riordan (the author of the pjo books) are actually pretty similar? they’re both goofy older dudes with usually much younger audiences (or at least that was true when i was a big-time hamilton fan, things might have changed), and they’re guys who have certainly made mistakes, but overall are good people (and incredible creative geniuses, but that’s a little more lin than rick tbh)

i definitely can be seriously critical of lin, i definitely think he’s corny as hell, and i definitely lightly make fun of him, but only to a point. if it starts looking a little too hostile, i remind everyone (and it’s almost always universally true) that all of us do actually love his work, and if any of us saw him in public we’d all want to ask for a photo and tell him how brilliant hamilton is, or how beautiful in the heights is, or several other wonderful things he’s done. we’re all very eager to see any creative work he’s involved in because we know it’s going to be awesome, so we really can’t complain about him that much

i am much more seriously critical of rick and things he has previously said than i am of lim (also, a lot of pjo fans call riordan "uncle rick", which is, let’s be honest, INCREDIBLY CORNY! like i do it sometimes but it’s GOOFY as HELL!)

i jokingly bully rick as well — i have sent messages about him that are like "dear lord i one day i am going to kick that old man’s ass", or more often just "RICHARD. COME ON." — but it also doesn’t get too mean. when i see comments that stray from genuine criticisms that also acknowledge he’s grown as a person or like a little friendly teasing of a guy we all admire and towards shitty comments about a stranger, i am always the first in line to defend that old man!

a while ago my older sister asked me why "gen z hates lin manuel miranda", and i explained that 1. he did some stuff that isn’t great but also really seems to have grown from that point (and also probably the smallest problem people have with him), 2. a lot of gen z went through hardcore hamilton phases and now resent their past selves (this is a major factor), and 3. being earnest is the internet’s biggest sin (the most likely culprit and also the saddest answer)

making fun of rick is very common in the pjo fandom, and at least some pjo fans bullying lin are doing it in the same way, so it’s supposed to be more "teenage cousins are gently ribbing that one goofy uncle" than actual hate? i know that there are a lot of people that are just genuinely being mean, but i hope you can find some solace that it isn’t quite as much as it looks like

okay this has been weird and maybe a little scattered, i’m blaming it on my adhd medication being way too low of a dosage lmao

but i’m sorry you & other lmm fans haters, (and i’m extra sorry because there’s a decent chance one of them was 15 year old me)

ok, wow. i don't even know how to answer that (anon, this is super long, WHY)...

so first of all, i am not a part of pjo fandom, this is important - i've said this before, i'm gonna say it again: i've never read the books, i started watching the show only because of lin, i know nothing about rick & all those inside jokes you guys have, but if making fun of him is normal in this fandom, that's totally fine. silly jokes & actual hate are not the same thing for me.

"they’re both goofy older dudes with usually much younger audiences" - that is not entirely true & it comes from someone in their late 20s (& i know a lot of people from this fandom who are waaaaay over 20). being goofy & corny, those are not real reasons to hate on somebody like that... actually, everything you said here, i already knew. people are ashamed of their hamilton phase - oh, we should definitely blame lin for that, he's literally the worst because he wrote a musical once & we were super cringe about it... did he make mistakes in the past? yes, we all do, nobody's perfect. i've heard about much more problematic celebrities & people don't even talk about them but for some reason they have to shit on lin all the fucking time. he's done more good than bad (i could write a super long essay for you but it's late & i don't even know why i'm writing all of this), that is the truth & this is where i stand.

now, we are not talking about "making fun of him", we are talking about actual hate, examples:

"lin-manuel miranda should die/we should kill him"

"i would also turn evil if lin was my father/i would kill myself if he was my father"

those are real comments i've seen about him & it all comes from pjo fandom. this is the reason why i said this fandom is terrible. like, are you guys aware that he actually has kids? go outside, touch some grass & leave him alone (i'm not talking about you anon, you're ok, i'm talking about real haters).

[marshmallowloves]

sorry this image is absurdly large fsdjgjkdfhg

I also decided to give Rina an update! I haven't drawn her since her very first iteration, so she was way overdue for a redesign. Even though Sia is the self insert, I feel like I put more thought into Rina lately... maybe it's cause I've just been thinking about Raiden more often lately kjfgd

The rings around her wrists are made entirely of her magic, and she uses them in her healing rituals. BUT they are also weapons! ...of sorts. The closest thing I can relate them to in my 4-hour sleep brain is Lana's Summoning Gate in Hyrule Warriors dfkjg

Like Sia, Rina's story is contained within MKX. She's been long deceased before the start of the game, and I don't picture her returning until MK1 (unless I retcon Raiden's tower ending in 11 to bring her back to life as a human, but... hm 🤔). Raiden would have shared how close they were with Liu Kang, who I imagine would then bring both of them back as humans in the new timeline. His intention would be for them to find each other again and live a normal life together, like their past selves originally wanted. They wouldn't remember their previous life together, of course, but... I still think it's nice. (Even if I don't care much for MK1 Raiden... ...I miss Richard Epcar's God!Raiden dkfjghdf)

I'm not sure what else to say about her, except that those yellow cracks in her Revenant skin were a bitch to do 😂 (and I really gotta draw more stuff with her and Raiden fjsdf)

[strandnreyes]

weekend wip game

thanks @welcometololaland @orchidscript @alrightbuckaroo! I'm a one wip at a time person, but i'll try my best lol

Rules: List your WIPs below (if you only write one fic at a time, feel free to include future WIPs/ideas!) then answer the following questions. Then, tag as many people as you have WIPs (or more).

1. WIP List

a chain reaction of countermoves (formally known as funky cabin to some) - the only one I'm actively working on at the moment

collab with @welcometololaland! (is this a secret? SORRY)

collab with @heartstringsduet!

Carlos escaping his past meets wanderlust TK au - hardly anything more than an idea

a few more time, curious time installments

a third story in the vampire universe (maybe. one day. MAYBE).

2. Which of your WIPs is currently the longest?

a chain reaction of countermoves. the only one with words lol

3. Which WIP do you expect will end up the longest?

probably the collab with @welcometololaland because it's us

4. Which WIP is your favourite to write/the most enjoyable to write? Why?

well, the only one I've written anything for is acroc so... that one

5. Which WIP do you find the most intimidating to write? Why?

um probably the collabs because I've never done one and my mind is kind of a mix of ?????? and feeling like I've never written a word in my life

6. Which WIP do you experience the most self-doubt about. Why?

acroc - it's a style I haven't done much of and I'm hoping it’ll all makes sense, doesn't come across as cheesy, etc.

7. Which of your WIPs will you seek out a beta/sensitivity reader for? Why?

all of them to make sure the characters aren't sticking four different hands somewhere or something of the sort

8. Have any of your WIPs been struck by the curse of writer's block?

I haven't been writing a ton lately and I can't tell if it's writer's block or if I'm just busy. maybe a little of both

9. Which WIP has your favourite OC? Tell us about them?

okay I don't count this as a wip because I'm done writing it, but technically it's still a wip for you all and I have to go with my boy Lucky from meet you after dark. you'll meet him on tuesday! he's the cutest, sassiest, prickliest little baby boy and I love him dearly

10. Which WIP is the sexiest?

ummm maybe the collab with @heartstringsduet ?

11. Which WIP is the angstiest?

the modern day time, curious time installment because they're going to be so sad over their past selves and not even know it. the also third vampire story would also be very angsty for different reasons

12. Which WIP has the best characterisation (in your humble opinion)?

I think the @welcometololaland collab really leans into their funny, bantering side and that's going to be really fun and full of moments that will feel very them. but also acroc is set in canon which really allows me to dig into some big thoughts and feelings

13. Which WIP has the best scene setting (in your humble opinion)?

I think the wanderlust au setting will be gorgeous. I'm thinking small mountain town. (when I said this is barely an idea, I meant it)

14. Which WIP have you worked the hardest on?

acroc. this is going to be another fic where I end up doing a bunch of random research for. can't wait to learn adsfad

15. Which WIP do you have the highest expectations for? Why?

the collabs because I want don't want to let people down. I think acroc will be very cool if it all comes together the way I want it to

16. Do you dream about any of your WIPs?

No, I wish. Imagine waking up and you already have an idea, that sounds like a dream (ha)

17. Do any of your WIPs have particular complexities that your other fics don't?

one time, curious time installment is historical, the third vampire story has well... vampires, and acroc has [redacted] so they're all pretty unique

18. Which WIP is the funniest or has the most humour?

the collab w/ lola. plotting it always has me grinning

19. Do any of your WIPs contain outside POVs or a deep dive on a character other than the main ship? How are you finding that process?

not that I have planned at the moment, but I do want to write an outsider pov at some point for something

20. Tell us one thing we don't know about one or more of your WIPs.

how about one for each?

acroc - the setting is a fictional place in Texas because I couldn't find exactly what I wanted, but I'm basing it off of a place I've been to a few times

collab w/ lola - if you think no one is capable of looking hot in a blurry, breakroom employee of the month photo while wearing a polo, Carlos Reyes is about to prove you wrong

collab w/ michelle - this is pretty well known, but it's inspired by taylor swift because it's us

wanderlust au - I got this idea about two pages into reading a book. it was all inspired by the setting. (didn't finish that book though)

time, curious time installments - the lifetimes I have ideas for are chapter 5 (baker/blacksmith) and the modern, canon lifetime

vampire au - the plot of this fic is making me laugh now based on recent events surrounding meet you after dark

following the rules and tagging 6 people: @reyesstrand @carlos-in-glasses @heartstringsduet @three-drink-amy @liminalmemories21 + open tag for number 6!

[browzerhistory]

anyways Personally i don't think it's possible to meaningfully separate the self from the body/world and thinking of them as independent entities can create serious issues in later lines of thinking.

i say this as someone who has several 'selves' (system) but all of us have been undeniably changed by our body and the environment it's in. we wouldn't be who we are now without the very specific conditions and events that shaped our bodies and personalities.

it can be argued whether someone is more predisposed towards certain traits and activities from birth, but even then, the way you're raised and how much access you're given to those activities, as well as how much you're allowed to express those traits, matter deeply in shaping the person you are.

it's why i struggle with "what if you were born a different sex/richer or poorer/in a different country/etc.?" type questions bc the answer you'll get from me is inevitably "the person in those circumstances would be so fundamentally different and unrecognizable when compared to me that i don't think it'd be fair to say they would still be me." you know?

take a relatively small example, like if my parents decided to enroll me in a different kindergarten than the one they did. i would never have swapped schools in elementary, which kicked off my anxiety disorder hardcore but also made me gain wonderful friends who i wouldn't trade for the world, and unique experiences that shape the way i adapt to situations today.

or say i went to physical (heavily masked) school during the 2020 school year instead of taking online courses. i probably wouldn't have fully split into a system and i wouldn't have missed my best friend's last year of attending the same school as me before moving away. but i also wouldn't have rediscovered one of my oldest, most beloved special interests, nor would i have met the short lived but wonderful community online that helped me realize i was trans.

what i'm trying to get at is that the popular concept of the Self or the Soul as this immutable, eternal force that drives a person's actions and is predetermined before they're born really doesn't line up with reality. not only in the context of how much your environment changes you, but how much you can change you. humans are creatures of habit, sure, but you can make and break habits with relative ease most of the time.

(i started crossing my z's in third grade because i thought it looked cool. i stopped listening to an artist i used to adore because he said some shit things and i've barely missed his music. lately i've been making an effort not to step on certain floor tiles in the hall just because. i know most things aren't this minor or easy to change, but it's just an example.)

as far as theories on the self go, mine is a pretty easy one to spiral on. especially since, before i started thinking harder about it, i thought there was this Special Thing that made me Me and no one could take it away, so when i considered the possibility of my me-ness not being inherent to my existence, it freaked me out.

but as i thought about it more, i found the thought really... comforting, somehow? maybe it's because i'm trans and a system but the idea that there's the True You you have to want to be (and if you're not then something is wrong with you) feels really restricting. people are always changing, even moment to moment. it's not a bad thing to be constantly changing, that's just what being alive is like.

which brings me to another point (that i probably should've made earlier but whatevs) that also lines up pretty well with my political views: nobody is doomed to be a bad person forever, even if they've done bad things in the past. (i could make a whole other essay on the ways punitive justice just Doesn't work and how annoying it is to see in leftist spaces all the time, but i'll breeze past it for the sake of this post not becoming a novella.) my point here is that while yes, vengeance and punishment for harmful actions does feel great and can very occasionally help, the sustainable and humane way to approach harm is through restorative justice and rehabilitation (for lack of a better word).

nobody is born evil and nobody is doomed to be evil and hurt everyone forever. this is true both in the sense of restorative justice, where the person who did the harmful action(s) can be trusted and expected to change their behavior, and in the more personal "you are not bound to suffering for all your life" sense. if you break your arm, do you set the bone or cut the whole limb off?

the concept of the self, when wielded as a tell-all unchanging revelation of a person's "true nature of violence/harm" can be and is used against already marginalized and oppressed groups to justify that oppression. this is a more political gripe, sure, but it's one of the reasons i think my theory holds up better. saying "people can't change if they've done bad things..." is a very good way to get people to accept "...so anyone who does a bad thing should be locked up forever/socially isolated/killed/etc."

idk. it's probably a Capitalism thing - something something making a product of yourself and products have to be consistent - but the attachment to a One True Self really grinds my gears in a way that i haven't been able to put into words until recently.

i understand the desire to have something that makes you fundamentally You no matter what, but the way i see it, it'd take one tiny change in your past to turn you into a completely different person. that doesn't mean you're not real or that nothing you do matters, it just means the world is as much a part of you as you are of it. it's worth thinking about sometimes.

(also please talk to me about this more i could go on for hours about the idea of the self and our relationships to our bodyminds and etc)

[pandasmagorica]

The right rec for the right person

So I've been sharing my interest in yaoi with my best friend and discovering that her interests and mine don't necessarily coincide. That has me thinking about how I would go about recommending yaoi to a particular person. And like many fans before me, I realized I have to customize my recs to that person's interests.

So here are my recs, starting with my top ten (long post):

For someone who's politically engaged: Not Me

(YouTube) This series has a major focus on class differences and how people of different economic levels deal with everyday life. A major character who has had a comfortable life and for whom is foreseen a comfortable future throws himself into a maelstrom of guerilla political activity among people who see themselves selves as have-nots.

It further has the benefit of having been directed by a trans woman who totally rocks it - it's the best y-series I've seen to date and I want to see more of her work.

I've seen disagreement as to whether this should even be considered a y-series. I think the argument is irrelevant. Yaoi has become a spectrum and the lines can be blurry. That's just a sign of the emerging maturity of the genre.

Note: Most of the writeups after the jump are much shorter, and there about a dozen of them.

For someone who is into theater, including classic plays and their modern adaptations: Bad Buddy

(YouTube) Khun Aof's take on the Romeo and Juliet story is an insanely good ride. Much digital ink has been spilled here on Tumblr about how the series parallels the original tale and subverts it to create what is ultimately a romantic comedy.

Also has the best intrusive product placements I have ever seen in my life.

Once they've watched it, send them to @shortpplfedup's tag #InFairVerona for an account of Bad Buddy's Romeo & Juliet parallels but scroll to the end to read them chronologically.

For someone who's spiritual: He's Coming to Me

(YouTube) One of the things many of us humans find comfort in is the idea that there is something beyond this life. We can't prove it but we believe it's there. He's Coming to Me dives deep into Buddhist beliefs about the afterlife (I'm not Buddhist so I can't say how accurately it does so) in the story of a young man who can see ghosts and develops a friendship and more with a particular one who is been subject to an untimely death. Quite heartwarming and fun.

For someone who likes their entertainment light: Cherry Magic

(CrunchyRoll) This is one of the sweetest yaoi I have ever seen. It's light. It's fun. It has magical realism. It doesn't demand too much of the viewer. It's just all around fun. While there is mild homosexual panic, it doesn't get hateful or last long.

For someone who enjoys over the top acting and epic stories with huge stakes: To Sir, With Love

(YouTube) To my understanding, this is a mainstream Thai soap opera with a queer-themed plot. A mother in 1940s Thailand will do anything up to and including murder to hide the fact that her son is gay. Magic, betrayal, and dead bodies abound and the acting is large. For the portayal of a milieu that is so homophobic, the series is ultimately refreshingly queer affirming.

I recommend watching this with the videos where the episodes are split up into four parts each. I kept running into trouble with the subtitles breaking partway through full episode versions when I tried to watch them that way.

For someone who's looking for a quiet story: Tale of 1000 stars

(YouTube) The start of this one isn't very promising: spoiled brat engaged in dangerous activities. But ultimately, this becomes a quiet and beautiful story set in the middle of nowhere in Thailand about a slow burn romance.

For someone in middle age who regrets some of their past decisions but doesn't wallow in it: 55:15 Never Too Late:

(YouTube) OK, OK, so this isn't a yaoi series. But who wouldn't want to undo some of the decisions of their past? (If that's you, congratulations, I'm happy for you.) Not sure whether to call this science-fiction or magical realism, but this story of five 55 year olds suddenly thrown into their 15 year old bodies and how they negotiated that is so much fun and as an oldster, I could totally identify with it. And no, I don't want to be 15 again. There is a yaoi subplot.

For someone who is wrestling with whether to be out as gay or not: Gaya Sa Pelicula

(YouTube) This is the best y-series that I've seen come out of the Philippines. A young odd-couple pairing find themselves living together and falling in love. One is very comfortable in his gayness while the other struggles with it, and it puts a wedge in their relationship. Very affirming about being able to choose for yourself. Has a matured gay as a positive side character.

For someone who has lost someone and is willing to feel, even wants to feel, their loss: Eternal Yesterday

(Gagaoolala) This series is melancholy, profoundly sad. It is also beautiful. When the person you love is killed and you get to have them for a little more time, how do you use that time? How do you deal with the uncertainty?

OK this one's a bit awkward because it's on Gagaoolala and you have to commit to a subscription (at least one month) to watch it. But it's a fine work and deserves my recommendation. Consider it like renting a movie.

For someone who feels like they've known somebody from a prior life: Until We Meet Again

(YouTube) This rec definitely has to come with a content warning: a double suicide in the first few minutes. But the story about how two men who have spent their whole lives feeling like they are looking for somebody only to discover that they were lovers in a former life is like the peeling of an onion is it reveals aspects of what they once had, as well as discovering the people they are now.

Some consent issues which apparently have no impact, although mercifully brief.

And reaching outside of my top ten:

For someone who has lost a pet and is okay talking about it: Choco Milk Shake

(YouTube) It's a fun fantasy. A young man's dead cat and dog show up to visit as living humans, and fun ensues. You need to be OK with pet-spirit/human romance. (I've seen reviews that some people find this aspect creepy.)

For someone who wants something really cerebral: 180 Degrees Longitude Passes Through Us

(Gagaoolala) This one is almost like a stage play, a six hour stage play. A young adult meets a man who is important to the young man's dead father and falls for him. If you're OK with the age gap, this is an intelligent, melancholic work that is worth the attention you will need to give it.

Again, consider it like a movie rental.

[ghostchasersmagazine]

🍿?🧍‍♂️?

Thanks for asking! Answers under the cut for length purposes.

🍿 - favorite movie?

Honestly, I don't feel strongly enough about any particular Scooby movie to say one is my overall favorite. There were a few that did come to mind when thinking of an answer though, so consider this an unranked top 5 of sorts with me giving a brief reasoning for why I like each of them.

I feel like I should mention Reluctant Werewolf first since that's the one I've posted about most on this blog. This movie has always been a fun one conceptually to me, the idea of a bunch of monsters getting together to race themed cars, and as you all have noticed, the monster characters are my favorite part of the movie. I've always found Shaggy and Googie's relationship to be perfectly serviceable, and I'm just a Scrappy fan in general so I like the movies with him in it.

Ghoul School is in a similar vein for me, being another one I've always conceptually liked with the idea of monsters going to school and how something mundane like that gets adapted to a spooky setting. This movie gets some points over Reluctant Werewolf for me though simply due to the nostalgia factor, as this was one of my favorites as a kid. I liked the running gag (if I'm remembering it correctly) of Shaggy and Scooby still being scared of everything monster-based despite everything being so friendly, and also Scrappy was there so points there.

Cyber Chase was another I watched a lot as a kid, and is my favorite of the late 90s/early 00s movies. I just had a lot of fun watching it, maybe because it wasn't as intense as the other three films given that it didn't have the heavy shadows those films did and the monster didn't look as intimidating to me. The different settings the gang went through for each level were creative and I always like the ending level with the gang meeting a version of their past selves.

Monsters Unleashed, the second live action movie, is another big nostalgic one for me. It was one I saw in theaters as a kid and would quote afterwards, and I always enjoyed more than the first one. I liked seeing the creative ways the monsters would be adapted into live action and pointing out all the references I noticed. I also just liked the premise of the movie, with all these different monsters coming together and the gang having to stop them all.

Finally, a brief shout-out to Alien Invaders for having the only romantic plot line in a Scooby movie I genuinely cared about as a kid (and possibly even now). I dunno if the writing was just that good or if I just liked Crystal's design that much, but it stuck with me.

🧍‍♂️- favorite version of each member of the Gang and why?

For Scooby, Shaggy, and Velma, I'm just going with a general "Classic 1970s version" answer, since those are the versions I'm most familiar with and how I imagine the characters in my head. A quick honorable mention goes to the 1980s Scooby though, since him being Uncle Scooby and his relationship with Scrappy is great.

I do have slightly more in-depth thoughts about which version of Fred and Daphne are my favorite, however:

Fred - Be Cool Fred. I once read someone describe Be Cool Fred as a blend between the quirkier modern versions of Fred and the version of him from the 1970s, and I think that's a perfect description of why I like him. As someone who is a fan of his 1970s version, I think him being the serious Leader Guy of the group is an important part of his character. Be Cool adapts this to its more comedic style by making Fred a Straight Man, the serious one to the sillier nature of his friends. Of course, where the humor comes in is he's just as silly as his friend but he takes everything very seriously expects everyone else to as well. Fred's character in the show is basically that mysteries are something that require the upmost attention and focus, and yes it IS important that he dresses as a Vegas performer while solving them.

Honorable mention goes to 1970s Fred, which as I mentioned I am a fan of. I do think Be Cool Fred is more entertaining overall, but the original Fred is closer to how I personally imagine him in my head.

Daphne - 1980s Daphne. In particular I'm thinking about The New Scooby and Scrappy Doo Show/The New Scooby Doo Mysteries version of her since I haven't seen 13 Ghosts yet. I feel like this version is a natural evolution of her character. Like the version from the 1970s she's still a curious person who wants to help people, but now she's been able to adapt that into a full career through being a reporter. The writers were able to put her into even more of a starring role without completely changing her character.

I also like how her being a leader in this version felt like something natural for her to do instead of trying to force her into being a Hashtag Girlboss about it. She is braver than Shaggy and Scooby but more level-headed than Scrappy, so she's in a way the glue that holds the group together during mysteries. It makes sense that due to her curious nature that she would want to take charge and investigate supposedly haunted houses and if Frankenstein's Monster really exists or not. It also makes sense that she'll want to stay with the friends she's made instead of leaving them behind, insisting that Scooby and Shaggy tag along despite their cowardly natures and encouraging Scrappy to use his excitement and high-energy for proper detective work. She's a good leader both in her own personal desire to achieve her goals and how well she works with others.

Honorable mention goes to Be Cool Daphne. I found her "interest of the week" to be a very funny gag and the decision to make her a comic relief character was a bold one that managed to pay off.

[aelaer]

Hey, there! For the ask game: 😎, 🎬, 📗, 🌻, 🎁?

PS, I've been a fan of your works since forever <3

Ugh I was mid-writing this and tumblr ate it :( I want to say "thank you so much!" and also ask how long forever is, because I'm definitely in the fandom-old category these days with my 20 year fanfic anniversary coming next year :B But seriously, whether it's 10 days or 10 years, it is super appreciated <3

Now let's try this again. From this post:

🌻 How often do you read your own fics? Pretty often! If I'm in the middle of fanfic-reading nights (which come on-and-off throughout the year) and I don't see anything new interesting, or don't feel like reading an old favorite, I'll go to one of mine that scratches the itch I want itched. I definitely write what I want to read, for the most part. There's only a couple fics that are exceptions for exchanges as experiments and pushing my own boundaries.

📗 Do you want to write something outside of fanfiction? If so, what about? I may be in the minority of writers that have been writing for several years (at least I think I am), but the answer is actually no. Lord knows my dad has asked me several times over the years why I don't, and the answer simply is that I enjoy playing in other worlds that happen to be currently under copyright. I enjoy expanding on worlds that already exist rather than creating one fully from scratch.

I mean if I really enjoyed Wizard of Oz or the original Sherlock Holmes it might be different, but dealing with the publishing world is also a serious pain in the ass and I'd rather just keep writing as a fun hobby as opposed to something I depend on income for. My creative side definitely burns out, so I find having my creative stuff such as art and writing as hobbies rather than job-dependent good for my artistic health in the long run. Any aspiring writers/artists here should keep that in consideration as they go into school and then the job world; it's not always a bad thing to keep your passion as a hobby. Depends on your personality!

(I definitely prefer the stability of my current job!)

🎬 If a movie or show were based on your fic, which fic would you choose and who would you fancast? Oh this is a cool question. Uhhhh. Yeah, the Earth-197320 series, which is basically one long fic split into sections as I find time in my life to write it (the final part has like over 40k written or something like that, so it's coming along!) Everyone in the MCU is still cast as they were. I don't have too many OCs in the fic and I'm terrible at fancasting - for OCs in the past I usually start Googling lists of actors and actresses of the right heritage and/or age range and go from there.

There are a couple though, most of which are seen the most in the still-unpublished last part, but they all make at least one appearance earlier in the series. So I'd need an eastern Asian woman around 40-60, a Hispanic or Hispanic-passing man from 35-50 (Latinx appearances vary quite a bit!), and a black woman probably 30-50. But I don't know actors/actresses well enough without really doing deep dives into these profiles, which I've only done for one fic that basically co-starred the OCs xD

😎 What fics do you prefer on a scale of canon compliant to wildly original? Varies for each fandom. For the ones I read most in:

LOTR: Canon compliant/canon gap-fillers. There's a lot of years to fill in. The occasional canon divergence works for the really, really, really good authors. Minor canon divergences like "dead Gilraen early on" for Aragorn is fine. The one exception to this rule is modern AUs where the characters slowly relearn their past selves or have to act like, the heroes their past selves are. I wonder if those fics are still around... it popped up here and there in the mid-late 2000s. If they are, I should download them from ff.net before the site is wiped off the face of the earth.

BBC Sherlock: Really went with "anything goes" in this fandom. I found myself enjoying wild AUs the most than any other fandom here. That said, the top of the top list still tend to be canon gap-fillers or canon divergences, even though the AUs were quite a lot of fun.

MCU: Canon-compliant or canon divergence (especially after Endgame haha). I do not tend to prefer huge world AUs (like no superpowers) or fusions (like they're students at Hogwarts). I find that a fic can still be wildly original while still being canon compliant/canon divergence. A great example of this is Signature Move, my favorite MCU fic. It's canon until after Endgame then goes into a fully original story that turns canon divergent, but still feels more original than most "high school" or "high fantasy" fics. If I cannot recognize the character anymore from his core personality, I grow less interested in the character. I can go on this topic for *ages* though, aha.

🎁 Have a piece of a WIP you want to share? Here's another one. I literally wrote this snippet in the wee hours to scratch an itch that like, there's no other fics that exist out there to scratch it. It's another one of those "this probably won't ever get completed/published properly" fics.

Also, the snippet's called "yet another kidnapping" because I've written this trope a stupid amount of times. It's not my fault it's such a fun way to make characters meet.

----

When Tony woke up again, there was another man in his cell.

Under the single dismal light bulb he couldn't make out much of his features. He sat in the corner, slouched, a head of dark, tangled hair shot with strands of grey obscuring his facial features. His clothing was dirty and, in a word, weird. It looked like he was wearing some sort of long Ye Olde Tunic that went to his thighs. All blue, too. One leg lay out in front of him while his head and arm rested on the knee of the other. Interestingly, there were metal bands on his wrist, slightly lit by a small green light on each of them. He wondered what those were for.

The man didn't acknowledge him as he pulled himself into a sitting position. Maybe he didn't hear him and realize he was awake. "Hey."

The man didn't lift his head. "Don't talk to me."

What the hell. Of all things he was expecting his cell buddy to say. "Well, that's rude."

The man didn't reply and, fine, if he wanted to play that game Tony was happy to oblige. He didn't need this asshole to figure a way out of there.

…..scene break cuz i didn't write the filler...

When he looked back at the man, disbelief was written all over his features. "You're real?" he whispered. 

Tony snorted in disbelief. "Seriously? Of course I'm real."

The man pulled himself to his feet, slow and unsteadily, and walked closer. As he came into the light, Tony could see that his pupils were blown wide. 

"Jesus, what're they giving you?" he asked.

"I don't know," he said. He swayed, then lowered himself to the ground again, now just a few feet from him. "I keep seeing things. I thought—I  thought you were just another hallucination."

"Nope. Tony Stark in the flesh," he said. In the light, he could see the cuffs even better—and the man's hands, which were heavily scarred and slightly shaking. They were older wounds, though, that was clear. "What's your name?"

"Stephen. Stephen Strange."

What a name. But he wasn't a completely heartless bastard and he wasn't going to mock his drugged out cellmate, who was looking at the wall as if there was something worth looking at there. "What're you in for?"

Stephen blinked and tore his gaze from the wall. "What?"

Drugged out of his mind, right. "What do they want with you?"

"Ah. My ah, my powers."

An enhanced human; he figured it was something along those lines with those cuffs. "And what are those?"

Stephen muttered, "Go away," swatting at something only he could see, then said, "Magic."

Tony waited for his answer for another three seconds before realizing that *was* the answer. "Magic? Like 'You're a wizard, Harry' magic?"

"Sorcerer," he said as he swatted the air again.

Was there a difference? He didn't think he'd get a clear answer currently. "Right," he said instead. "And what exactly does that entail?"

"Uh, lots of things."

He waited. Nothing. "...like?"

-----

And that is all that may ever exist of that. For whatever reason, I really, really enjoy Stephen Strange meeting various Avengers AUs. Especially if it's mid fight or in less-than-perfect circumstances for one side. I tend to make that side Stephen because I'm biased and I find the idea of this super powerful guy appearing harmless at first until a Big Reveal absolutely hilarious. I will read seemingly-harmless-until-provoked Stephen + anyone until the end of time. Sadly it's not a genre heavily explored.

[ramjam]

Lately, I’ve found myself thinking too much. I don’t really know what to do about it… But I’m drunk, and I have a blog. So if you’ll excuse me.

It’s difficult to not find myself frustrated with my brain. For as much of a "marvel of evolution" it supposedly is, it sure is utterly useless a lot of the time.

We spend our lives gathering experience, but we can only blindly trust that our mind will archive it properly. Perception is subjective and becomes jumbled over time.

I remember what I remember, and then I remember that. But what came before, and what was lost? A simple memory can mask a terrifying reality. Without even realizing it, we shelter our past selves as a parent would shelter a child.

“Don’t remember that. It hurts too much. You don’t need it. You’re better off without it. It’s no longer your problem.”

This instinct is out of my control– or anyone’s, for that matter. The heavy weight of lies feels lighter and lighter over time… Because these lies become what I believe are my truths. A sense of melancholy washes over me, which turns to dread, which then turns to nothing. Then, I forget.

Despite our best efforts to shield ourselves, the effect still lingers. As this thought finally dawns on me, I’m faced with a new problem–

“Why am I like this. What happened to me?”

There’s a hole in my chest and it aches. As I breathe, it’s like I can feel a harsh, throbbing migraine. I’ve almost drowned before, when I was very young. It feels a lot like that. The way your limbs move slowly in the water, but your lungs burn like they're on fire. Lost in a sea of feelings with no memories attached. Spiraling and sinking, spiraling and sinking. There is no bottom that I have not found.

I can’t help but resent this process. This is my mind, why can’t I control it? Why can’t I decide what I remember, if it’s so important to me? At the same time, I fear where I’d be without this deeply flawed fail-safe.

My mind is an incomplete puzzle. I can't find the missing pieces, so I cut out paper in the shape of the voided area. I follow the lines of the art, matching my fake-piece to the one's around it to the best of my ability.

I've protected this child for so long that she won't grow and die.

When I look in the mirror, I see a twenty six year old woman. I get up and apply for jobs like a twenty six year old woman. I am twenty six. Next year, I will be twenty seven. In the year after that, I will be twenty eight. The end of my twenties looms closer and closer every day. After that, I’ll be in my thirties. One day, I'll grow old and die.

But I’m also a toddler. I’m in elementary school. I’m in middle school. I’m in high school. All at once, I am perpetually lodged in the past and unable to free myself from it. I don't even know what I'm fighting, or what's holding me back. It'd be easier if I did. But the closer I get to it, the more I repel myself from it.

Presently, I’m in my bed. A twenty six year old woman drinking alcohol alone in her bed, on a computer she bought with money from her previous job.

However, on some days, I’m in someone else’s bed, looking at the full moon outside that window. I can hear laughter around me as I tilt my head back and glance down at my home. I’ve been out too late and I'm going to get in trouble. That's what I'm thinking. The people around me are laughing, so this must be a good memory.

That is one of my earliest memories, and most of what I remember around this time only stayed in my head because it was negative. It stands out, in that way. But it must be an outlier to that pattern. Everyone is laughing in it, and so am I. Who is everyone? I don't remember these people. Whatever the circumstance, it's normal and now I'm laughing.

I'm still laughing when I tell the story. Everyone else shifts uncomfortably at the details. I frantically explain that it isn't like that. If it was, I'd remember. If it was, I wouldn't be laughing. I recount the fact that I knew better at that age, so it definitely wasn't anything like that. I fail to examine my own words.

What business does a toddler have "knowing better"? Why do I even know enough to brag that I'm better than other kids because I'm not stupid enough to fall victim to things? This mindset carries me through adulthood. I didn't really question it until I was nineteen.

Next, I'm in a field with this profound weight on top of me. I can hear laughter. Whatever is happening must be funny. The adults around me seem to be having some kind of in-joke about this.

Despite that, my body is running. Legs so little and locking myself in the bathroom. There's an eye in the keyhole. But I hear laughter. So, this must be funny. I can remember now, that they were laughing because I'm older than him. So it's okay. And it's funny.

Somewhere, at the back of my mind, I understood what he meant by, "This is something I saw Mommy and Daddy doing." I remember that clearly. But again, I never thought about the implications of me recognizing the behavior enough to know it wasn't right and lock myself in the bathroom. A memory of a memory that I always looked back on and thought about how smart I was.

"Despite uncomfortable experiences, I was smart. Which is a good thing. Because it meant I stayed safe."

There is a clear issue behind that logic that I didn't have the self-awareness to see through.

Still, I get attention if it's funny. Everyone looks at me when funny things happen. I stand on a stage. Look at me, look at me. Look what I can do. Look what I know. Look how mature I am. Look at me. Please, look at me. I can't wait to grow up. I'm more mature than everyone else (why?) and I can prove it (how?)

I hear, "I'm sure she'll have all her guy friends eating out of her hand when they're older."

I'm eleven. How can someone say that?

But fine. If you say so.

Things get clearer the older that I get. I'm twelve years old, my friend just turned thirteen. I'm showing one of his friends a picture of my girlfriend on my new flip-phone. I will never talk to him again. What happened could've been worse. It could've been worse. It could've been worse. It could've been worse. It could've been worse.

I’m sixteen years old, hanging shirtless off the hotel balcony, drunk and feeling the dull pain of my braces. The men above me are trying to grab my shirt, while I teeter on the edge, stretching my arms up with it offered in my hand. I hear cheering and I'm exposed to the world around me. But I feel my friend grabbing me before I fall.

Look at me, look at me.

I’m seventeen and drunk again, this time in my sister’s yard. My head is swimming. For the first time, I fully recognize the kind of attention that I'm receiving as discomforting. I don't feel right about it. I saw him again at my nephew's birthday party last week. It's a waste of energy to get mad about it.

Please, don't look at me.

When I was nineteen, I looked back on some of these things with a deep unease weighing my stomach down. I applied some of my shattered memories with the type of attention-seeking behavior I've done my whole life and something clicked brutally. I started to understand why I was triggered by certain things, despite having always been confused because it didn't even feel applicable to my life.

But it wasn't that bad. It's stupid of me to be upset, as far as I'm aware, things could've been worse. It can always be worse. I vaguely mentioned this to a friend when I was twenty one, after something had happened that set me off. That's about where I had left things for a long time.

Three months ago on Valentine's day, I had been relentless harassed by a customer. Of course, because it's Valentine's day. Wearing a fake engagement ring and a formless sweater didn't stop that. When I attempted to let my HR manager know about the incident, her only response was an eyeroll followed by, "Why does this always seem to happen to you?"

The bandage ripped and I can't put it back on. Why does it always happen? What happened? Why am I so upset? Why can't I ignore this anymore? Why is it so hard? Why am I making such a big deal out of nothing? I have no right to react that way. I haven't struggled enough. I haven't struggled enough to justify these feelings.

But I still did. I quit my job a month later. I'm twenty six and I'm jobless and I'm drunk.

Now it's Pride month. By August, it will be 10 years since I realized I was a lesbian. Previously, I had believed myself to be bisexual for years and played that role in great desperation. I held my attraction to women between my fingers but did just about anything I could to focus on anything else. All I did was ask something on Tumblr with the phrasing of, "Do I have to, if--?" And the moment someone told me I didn't have to, I jumped.

Something about the question that broke the ice is haunting to me. Do I have to? Do I have to like men if I only find fictional characters hot? Do I have to? Like someone whining about having to do the dishes, this childish desire to break from an obligation. Do I have to? I wish I knew to ask sooner. I wish I knew it was an option for me. That I'm not an exception to the rule, and I can choose, too.

I never realized how tied these issues were. I'm thinking about how I felt when I was sixteen and my heart is breaking. Everything just ties back into everything. When I came out, the only thing I could blame it on was a homophobic society. But that doesn't seem apt. It never felt like an accurate thing to point blame at. There was homophobia around me, sure. It didn't help. But culture and politics never seemed to be the main contributing factor to my shame. I didn't have the language or understanding. I still don't. I know more, but I don't have everything that I need to fix this.

Coming out at sixteen didn't feel like a weight off my back. I told myself it was, but it was a large aspect in this massive downhill spiral I went through that year. Everything in my life was falling apart, but I didn't really consider this as a contributing factor, despite triggers related to my lesbianism being such a massive issue.

I didn't shut the door on my self-discovery. I opened a box. I didn't look inside the box, but everything was raw and painful. The hidden contents of that box were something I didn't have the capacity to comprehend or recognize.

Politics and culture were not to blame. This realization is piling onto something that's already left me very unstable since February.

I was born to be a commodity. One of the earliest lessons I remember was being taught to bat my lashes to get my way. I never had a chance. What kept me from coming out wasn't just homophobia... It was the sunk cost fallacy. To admit I wasn't even attracted to men, after everything... There's too much weight to that. This is a level of self-awareness I didn't have at that time. I was so blindly angry at the world, over so much. There was an invisible pain I couldn't recognize. I fell apart so terribly.

I'm twenty six and I'm drunk and I don't know what to do with these feelings that I still can't fully articulate or delve into. I wish I could ignore it again. But everything makes me think about it these days.

Hating myself for forgetting crucial information as if it's my fault is so stupid, but I have that reaction in moments like this. I want one event to blame, and I want to remember it fully. I don't want pieces, I don't want flashes, I don't want an answer that tells me that it's never just one event. I can't tackle that. That's not something I can fix. I can't patch the kind of truth that I know I'm coming closer to facing. I have to challenge so much. I have to think about so much. And yet at the end of the day, I still feel stupid for feeling so bad for myself.

Because it could've been worse. It can always be worse. It's probably worse than I know. I can't remember, but I can feel it. I can see it retroactively, in my behavior. But I only know what I know, and what I know will never feel bad enough. It's always going to feel like my fault, it's always going to feel like I put myself in a lot of the situations that haunt me now, as a twenty six year old woman, drunk in her bedroom.

"Why does this always seem to happen to you?" I want that question out of my head. I want it out. It makes me think about it, and it makes me feel like a pretender when I think. It could've been worse. It's pathetic to be this way.

The reality is I still seek these things. I was a child taking payment to be people's pretend-girlfriends. I dress myself up. I bat my lashes. I hear disgusting things but there's a small part of my brain that's happy. It's approval.

I'm seen. I look good to somebody. This means I have worth, even if I hate it. I wanted to grow up and be adult. I wanted these things. But I'm twenty six and it's so deathly lonely. It's humiliating. What's wrong with me?

I'm on a stage and I'm still waiting for the roses to be tossed at me as I bow. But it feels like I'm hanging from my neck.

So, I hate this fail-safe. I hate not being able to wrap this up in a pretty, clean bow. I hate that ignoring these things has made it worse the longer it goes on, but I hate that this self-awareness likely would've killed me when I was sixteen. I needed to process it sooner, but I'd probably be dead. Isn't that stupid? I don't get it.

Look at me, look at me. It could've been worse, it could've been worse. Look at me, look at me. It could've been worse, it could've been worse. Look at me, look at me. It could've been worse, it could've been worse.

So on and so forth.

This is probably the most I've talked about this, but I still can't even say it directly.

I'm twenty six and I'm sobering up in my bedroom after typing for hours.