#I. did not figure out a day 5 composition though...

[asocialangel]

a polaroid love

For Christmas, Isagi got a polaroid, and you best believe all his 10 polas would be of you, his muse.

smut – 4k words🧍. Isagi x fem!reader

DO NOT READ IN PUBLIC unless you’re a brave soul wwww. Mentions of sex, slight chocking, p in v, cum.... yadayada. Characters obvi aged up.

inspired by someone here on tumblr ! Who's user i forgot so if you know pleassssse tell me !! Their fic was something along the lines of: where the bllk boys would keep their dirty polaroids. I feel so stupid for not finding it again... Anyway enjoy my first long fic ! ˚ʚ♡ɞ˚

ꕥ

For christmas, Isagi got a polaroid with 10 pictures to take. He did not ask for that, neither had he ever thought about getting one, let alone actually using it. But he figured, now that it’s here, might as well make a good use out of it. 

His muse was obviously the one and only you. It wasn’t necessarily his intention, but his first and last pictures would be of you. At first he asked you when to take pictures, if you considered they would be worthwhile. Over time, he had his own sense of photographic art. The very first one was his idea though. 

1rst pola: a picture of you two. 

When he got it, he instantly said that the first picture he wanted was one of the two of you, to put in his phone case. Therefore the first picture ever printed was you two hugging in front of the christmas tree. You’re looking at the camera, smiling, his hand on your waist, your head nuzzled in his neck. You were wearing matching christmas sweaters if it matters, yours red, his green. He had asked Hiori, who gifted him the polaroid, to take the picture and choose the settings. And it turned out perfect ! Not over exposed, centered. Isagi was so happy with the results… As promised, he instantly put it in his clear phone case, hiding the dollar bill that was already there. It’s a happy memory you are glad has been immortalized. 

2nd pola: you at a café

His second picture was at a café, not much after the first pola. He had almost forgotten the existence of his camera, until he saw it sitting on his shelf and thought your upcoming coffee date was a great time to take a pic. He quickly put it in his bag and carried on. When you were finally seated he asked you to pose and ! Flash and all, the picture was getting printed. It came out a bit too bright ‘cause he didn’t master the settings yet, but he was happy nonetheless. “Pretty for my first polaroid, isn't it?” “Your model did all the work”, you answered, kittenish. 

3rd pola: you fixing your hair

For his third polaroid, Isagi had decided he wanted to have a candid moment, not a perfected pose. So when he saw you getting ready to go to run errands, he thought “this is the typa moments i want to capture, my lovely day-to-day”. He turned the polaroid on and sneakily took a picture of you fixing your hair in front of the mirror. The flash surprised you so much, you turned around and couldn’t help but to smile at his contented face. To be fair, the picture turned out great. The yellow bathroom light almost gave it a retro vibe. and the composition, for something that was taken so fast, was surprisingly good. Had it been digital, it definitely would have become your insta profile picture. 

4rth pola: you at the beach

The fourth film was used at the sea. You and your boyfriend were on a beach vacation. That definitely was a good place for pictures, had he thought. In the suitcase it went. Isagi was definitely not the type of guy to “save things for the perfect moment, a moment that ultimately never came so you ended up never using said thing''. He was a firm believer in “use it as soon as you feel like it, or else it would end up unopened 5 years later when you are no longer interested in it”. So whenever he felt like taking a polaroid, he did it, not thinking about its price or anything else. Obviously, a vacation in a paradisaic landscape was the place he wanted to have physical memories of. As soon as you guys had arrived at the hotel, you put down your suitcases and stripped down to put your swimsuit on – a baby blue and white striped bikini – and ran to the sand. Isagi did the same, only taking his polaroid with him and a bit of cash cause he knew you would want ice cream. Just as he planned, you first ran up to the water, went in until your claves got wet, turned around, splashed him a bit, laughed at him and exited the water, until you saw the ice cream vendor with his cart, and looked at him with puppy eyes. You didn't even need to say a word, he was already holding your hand as you walked towards the man. You chose your always flavor, Isagi did the same. He had the routine memorized, so he knew the next step would be you tasting your ice cream and immediately asking to taste his before even finishing experiencing your own flavor. “Sure” he said as he brought his cone to your face. Just as it was close enough for you to lick (you were staring at him right in the eyes), he pushed it a little more, until it hit your nose leaving a bit of ice cream on it. You smiled really hard, til the corners of your mouth reached your ears. He stepped back, and clicked the perfect shot. Beautiful you in a beautiful outfit with a beautiful sea behind. And a cute moment. Maybe his favorite pola as of this far. 

5th pola: you flashing him at the supermarket

When the time came for him to take his 5th polaroid, half his shots, you wanted to make things more interesting. Isagi had been so sweet to you these days, especially during these beach vacations. He told you he wanted a more casual souvenir, one in a random place. So the local mini supermarket seemed perfect ! He told you to stand next to the soda bottles for a colorful background. So you did. But you were feeling a little mischievous and also wanted to give your lover a special gift. You were all reddish from the sun, your freckles stood out and your hair was curly from the salt. You looked effortlessly innocent, maybe that was why Isagi loved you so hard perhaps. Since you were coming back from the beach, you still had your tote bag on your shoulder, your mini shorts on, and sand on your knees. Oh and you weren't wearing anything under your shirt. So after making sure you were right where Isagi wanted you in the frame, you hit a pose. “Are you ready ? One, Two, Three !” Right as he said three, you shook your peace signs away to grab the bottom of your shirt and lift it up, showing your beautiful boobs to the entire supermarket. Luckily, it was empty and no one saw it. Clueless, Isagi put down his camera and waited for the film to come out. Perhaps from the small window thing on his camera, he hadn't seen what you did. So he was there, blissfully unaware, looking at the white yet undeveloped polaroid. “Okay, we can get moving now ! As always, the picture’s gonna show up in a few minutes so let’s buy what we have to buy”. Isagi started walking in front of you. As you guys grabbed snacks, you could see him peeping at the picture. Getting chips, he peeped. Getting fruit, he peeped, longer this time. Getting chocolates, he peeped and looked confused, bringing the pola closer to his face. While grabbing chewing gum at the cashier, you could see him getting redder and redder, though he didn't say a word. He quickly put it in his pocket, and asked for the total, stuttering. You could feel he was avoiding your eyes. So to tease him even more, you got up to him and grabbed his arm. You could feel how hot his face was, it was so cute. When you passed the automatic exit doors, he looked at you: “Y/N ! Why did you do that !” He wanted to sound mad but you knew he was just flustered. “Why, are they ugly ?” “No – don't say that ! They are way too beautiful, that’s the problem. I’m gonna cherish this pola, it will be mine and only mine to see”. You laughed and laid your head on his shoulders as you walked. “Don’t play tricks like this on me again, y/n…”

6th pola: a facial

The sixth pola was taken the same day as the fifth. I guess all these emotions had him excited. When you guys went back to your hotel room at the end of the day, you put down your stuff and headed straight for the shower (you hated the feeling of sand in your hair and salt on your skin). As you started singing a tune under the shower head, you heard the bathroom open, but you paid no mind to it as Isagi often entered to take random items and exited as if he was never there. So you continued singing “yeogi pale blue dot, ooh hoo ohh…” When you heard the door close, you sang a little louder as you tried to wash away the shampoo from your hair. But you soon heard the shower curtain wrinkle and water droplets fall on the rug. You barely started to turn around to see what was happening when you felt Isagi’s hand on your waist. His touch felt a bit slippery as you still had remains of foam on you. “What are you doi–” you giggled but he stopped you from finishing your sentence, interrupting you with a kiss. From there on everything went literally steamy, as you guys locked yourself up in the bathroom for quite some time, stopping all the vapor from ventatiling. It did not stop at a kiss, and when you guys finally decided to exit the bathroom, it was only to continue in the bedroom. You had your high quite a few times, so did he. It ended when he came on your face for one last time. You looked at him with lustful eyes, shiny from tears, cheeks flushed pink. You were so beautiful. So much so he wanted to remember your beauty forever. Without letting go of your throat –that he had been holding as hard as you liked– he turned around and grabbed the polaroid that you guys had thrown on the hotel carpet since you were in such a hurry to free up the bed. Because one hand of his was busy, he had to pull on the lens with his teeth, to turn the camera on. As soon as it was ready, he chose the right setting and flashed your eyes almost blind. He did it so swiftly you barely had time to realize it, let alone change poses. You still had your innocent expression on, face dazzled with his milky cum. He took the picture that was coming out and laid it on the bed. He finally unclenched his hand on your throat and with his thumb, rubbed off some of the cum you had on your nose to spread it on your pouty lips. You licked it off and finally smiled, like you regained your spirits. “Did it turn out great ?” “How couldn't it ? You’re so photogenic”. Once the pola had fully gotten his colors, he looked at him before showing you. You were lying in the bed sheets when you took it from his hands. Beautiful. Your big eyes, the eerie white flash on the white hotel sheets, his veined hand, your breasts with pointy nipples and obviously, Isagi’s artistic streaks all over your face. “Are you putting this one in your phone case, Isagi ?” “Want me to ?”. You chuckled. 

7th pola: your wet pussy 

I think at that point you guys had hit the point of no return. Every pola he’d take from now on would not end up in a family photo album. The 7th was taken back home. The vacation had ended and neither of you had wanted to take a pola, maybe nothing was memorable enough to take a pic. So the 7th one happened in your house actually, after a match. Isagi had played against a random nugu team, but somehow had made very beautiful plays. Maybe it was because you, for once, made the effort to go see him. To be fair Isagi was having a really bad season and you kept on taunting him about it. It’s understandable that you didn’t particularly want to see him barely run on the field. But that day you went because you had nothing better to do, and you guys arranged an at-home date, so it was easier if you went home together. You didn't warn him you were coming, you just parked your car and sat in the VIP lounge, close enough to the field he’d notice you fast. Damn had he been good for once in a hot while. He was very lively, made beautiful feints, and memorable goals. He was so attractive when he played… The way his muscles tensed up, how he constantly wiped his sweaty face with his jersey, revealing his abs… Yeah you were no better than a fangirl. Actually you were the fangirl. But to top it off, really tie the knot, something that, unbeknownst to him, physically made you wet… He got mad at other players. Ah, so embarrassing for you but how down bad you were for him shouting at his teammates, borderline pushing the opponents, cussing himself when he missed… You could feel your pussy throbbing all throughout the match, getting more flustered as he began bad mouthing more and more the opponents cause he was winning. When people tried to talk to you, you stuttered, afraid at the idea they could read your mind. Oh the things you were imagining right now. When the match finished, Isagi went directly to you, and changed moods like nothing happened (he was never mean to you like that, to your discontent…). “You came to see me, angel ?” “Yes I figured I’d spare my boyfriend some of my precious time”. You went and kissed him, tasting the salty sweat on his face. You loved him like that, but again, it was a secret. Your kiss was unusually passionate for just a ‘hello’ kiss. Isagi stepped back and looked down at you, chuckling. “Thank you for coming. Let’s go home ?” “Yeah”, you answered as he took your hand and walked to your car.

You were driving when you talked about the match. “I think I went overboard with the rudeness today on the field”. “You think ? I think it was okay. Plus it made them tense, so I guess it worked.” “Tense ? Wait, you could hear them too up where you were ?” “... No, I just, I’m just guessing”. You could feel your cheeks getting redder. “Soooo you know how I am on the field ? Why’d you never mention it ? This is so embarrassing for me y/n…” Isagi closed his eyes while you were pretending to be focused on the road to avoid looking at him. “No it’s not actually. I find it… sexy”. Your cheeks were now hot. “Sexy ?! What do you mean ?! I’m plain spiteful !” “Yeah… that’s kinda what I like. I thank you for not being like this with me cause I’d be constantly horny”. Big blank. Isagi paused as you turned left into your driveway. His mind was working double (So she knew about it ? But she likes it ? Does she like being disrespected or is it just me ? What does she mean horny, if I push her she’ll kiss me ? If I insult her she’ll moan ? What the flip ?) ((Yes I'm convinced Isagi genuinely says that)). You turned the car off, took your keys and opened the door. “Forget about it, I’ve said too much and lost my dignity ‘till the end of our relationship”. You look at the floor sheepishly. “Are you fucking crazy ? You’re so weird y/n !” Isagi looked at you, angry as he caught up to you. You didn't react and went for the door, but Isagi blocked you, putting himself between you and the lock. “Answer”, he forced your chin up with his hand, making you look him in the eyes. Finally you could see the playful spark in his eyes. You smiled. “Yes I’m ‘fuckin crazy’. Cause this is enough for me to want to take my shirt off”. “Damn that’s… crazy. I adore crazy. So when you said wet, you meant… wet ?” “I’m pretty sure I left my seat back there drenched”. Isagi finally let you unlock the door and as soon as you closed it behind you, he picked you up from the floor, taking you straight to the bedroom. “Let me see”. He threw you rather carelessly on the mattress, making you laugh at how everything turned out. He unbuttoned your jeans and took them off for you while you kept laughing. As he threw them on the floor you heard him fulfilled: “it IS true ! You’re so wet only from me ?” You hide your face with your hands, still giggling “I ammm”. As Isagi looked up to see your face, a wide smile on his face, he saw his pola sitting on his shelf. “I am so proud – wait let me show you !” He removed his hand from your inner thighs and stood over you, hands on the bed, stretching trying to reach his camera. When he grabbed it, he looked down and looked at you in the eyes. Your faces were so close to each other. He snapped out of it and went back to business. He touched your wet pussy and tugged on one lip, revealing its pinkish color. Your panties were so stretchy, and so thin, even with fabric, all its topography was clear. And your wetness made the fabric stick even closer to your beautiful inner lips. Your panties were DRENCHED. You didn't lie when you said it made you feel things. Actually, had he looked, even your jeans were humid. He stroked your pussy quickly, and spread your legs slightly more with one hand, as he framed the shot, looking through the small camera preview. “Looks good”. He clicked and you heard the shutter go down. He took the picture and jumped back up to tower you. He looked deeply into your eyes “when you said you loved all of me, you did mean it” “i did, i do”. He kissed you passionately. The polaroid eventually showed its colors. A close up of your beautiful pussy, half of it revealed by Isagi’s fingers, and almost all your panties soaked. “You better not use this kink I have as a secret weapon during our fights from now on, babe”. What a use of a polaroid. 

8th pola: your hands on his dick

The eight pola was the result of a game. Basically you guys went to an arcade and you had set a rule: you would count the winner of every mini activity you did, and the one with the most wins could have a wish realized, any wish. In the end, you ended up winning. And your wish was simple, you wanted a pola that you could keep for yourself. With the satisfied grin you had when you told him what your wish was, he directly understood this would not be a polaroid like the first one you took. You really hesitated for what exactly you wanted to capture, so you thought to yourself that you would see how the night would go and you’d choose the right moment. Isagi looked really really cute, cute enough for you to want to take the picture multiple times. Honorable mentions of when you really hesitated to take the pic: when he took his belt and jeans off, that’s a classic but always has its effect on you, when he towered you, shirtless, and finally when he was eating you out. But you settled on perhaps your second favorite thing ever of Isagi, after his sweet personality: his cock. When you were giving him a blowjob, it really kicked in that, yes, damn his dick was beautiful. So you had him come but forbid him from spitting his cum anywhere but his abs or right up in the air so it’d fall back on his tip (usually he loves cumming on your thighs). So bam, his penis is covered in his own cum, and your beautiful hands –with a fresh manicure mind you– are stroking his dick. “Isagi stay like this. This is how I want the pola”. He looked at you almost embarrassed, he wasn't used to you being the one giving orders, especially in this context. “Can you take it for me ? I love your artistic vision better than mine”. Okay that was already too much for him so now he felt straight up humiliated. “Uhm, sure…” “A bet is a bet, angel”. Now you were using HIS pet name for YOU, TURNED AGAINST HIM ? He was the one who called you angel usually… He pouted, cheeks started to flush from embarrassment and he reached for the polaroid. “Make sure to leave your balls, your abs and my hand on the frame, angel”. He did not answer, he just kept pouting and pressed the button. When he was done you wiped the cum on his dick with your hand, cleaning your hands on his abs. “Good boy” you purred. You kissed him and grabbed the picture. It turned out perfect. “This one’s gonna be in my phone case”. 

9th pola: your naked body

The second to last, 9th polaroid was taken the same night. Had he been honest, Isagi would’ve admitted it was for revenge and to remind you who was in control. But he just said that “the camera was his after all, so he could take pics whenever he wanted”. As soon as you admitted being satisfied with your wish, Isagi pushed you lying on the mattress and pinned you down. “Let me show you a prettier sight”. He edged you for minutes on end, fingering your tight pussy. At the end, when he finally let you cum, you were left breathless and tired. That's when he grabbed his camera back, and took a picture of your naked body, bright flash on, leaving out your face. You could see everything in the picture, your boobs, your pretty hands, your shiny pussy from your own cum, your cute belly, and even your underwear that was still tossed next to you. “I’m the only one who knows it’s you because your face is left out, but I know every detail of you, even the heart shaped mole on your hips”. It was a cool pola to be fair. 

10th pola: his dick in your pussy 

The very last polaroid of the 10 item refill was thought through carefully. Isagi wanted something memorable and quintessential of his photographic journey. So he hesitated quite a long time between a genuinely innocent picture of the two of you, a selfie perhaps, or a nasty, dirty, filthy intimate scene. He was an advocate for the first one while you preferred the latter, that's why he decided to choose while playing rock paper scissors… Guess who won ?? Yours truthfully, obviously !! You shouted in joy and jumped around, hugging him from behind and teasing him. “I know what I want already, babe, something that is fair to the both of us”. You whispered in his ears: “let’s photograph a creampie”. He snickered. I’ll leave it up to your imagination how everything unraveled, but the last pola was very pretty indeed, showing equal parts of you and Isagi. 

A/N: Y’ALL MY 1RST SMUT WAS IT GOOD OR NAH ? I fear it’s not even that smutty but idk, I find fics describing graphically everything boring, like I'm creative enough to imagine which dirty words my delusionalship would say to me… This was longer than anticipated, but I gotta say I'm quite proud ! Plus I wrote it in like 3 days, which is unusual for inconsistent me. I lovvveeee isagi sm, this felt illegal writing cause I was always in my family living room kkkkk. And I was also inspired by my current polaroid I dusted off from last time I used it in 2017 bahaha.

[eliyips]

Xisuma's Helmet 💜

My 3D final for the fall quarter! 4 assets made from scratch, modeled in Maya/Zbrush, textured in Substance Painter, and rendered in Unreal Engine 5.

Detail shots and some rambling about my process below the cut! :)

The helmet! I've talked about it a lot before, but my design for X's helmet is very heavily inspired by Motocross! :) this model was done with an AHR motocross helmet as my main reference, as well as my own art of Xisuma. The tubing was the main addition!

The pedestal was the final asset I made. I designed, modeled, and textured it in one day, and I'm very proud of how it turned out! I wish I could have shown it off better in the final render, but alas, the composition didn't allow for it. I still think It's pretty neat :) The decals along the top and at the center were designed by myself as well. At the top, we have some text art. It's hard to read (deliberately) but it spells out "XISUMA," repeating four times on each side. The front decal is dragon wings, framing an end crystal.

The flowers I selected are Asters! I was under the impression when I started this project that these were Xisuma's birthflowers, but it turns out his birthday is in October, not September, LOL. I was thinking of the his Youtube anniversary... I still associate these flowers with him either way though!

The flowers were probably the most difficult asset, but the skull might be the one I'm least satisfied with. Skulls are weird and complicated. If I were to do this over again, I'd go for a skull that I can find more precise reference for, rather than a sailfin lizard :') I picked out a lizard because I wanted to invoke dragons a lot in my imagery, but felt like choosing an extinct animal, like a dinosaur, wasn't appropriate for what I was going for? The sailfin lizard is a species which is vulnerable but not extinct, which I decided was more in line with my vision. Again though, if I were to do this over, I'd pick a skull which is more readily documented.

To conclude, some WIP screenshots! :] My initial sketch for the composition, two Maya screenshots, of the high poly helmet and pedestal, and an early screenshot from UE5, figuring out the composition, before I'd finished the pedestal model.

Happy to talk more about this, or answer any questions that people have! :D my ask box is open. I've been considering writing a short fic about the concept behind this piece as well... It's a little fuzzy, the details, but I do have a concept, and most of my choices for this project did have intention behind them. :)

Thanks for reading! 💜

[hools]

Sorry if this is a weird question, but how do you come up with your drawings? What does through your mind while making them? I find your compositions so gorgeous and intriguing but I can't really figure out how you approach things since everything's very shifty and abstract. It's really gorgeous work, I'm so glad I discovered your art :,)

hey first of all this isnt a weird question at all & i'm really glad you enjoy my art heheheheheehe. there's an incoming large largely unformatted block of text that i hope you dont mind!

Honestly there are a billion things going through my mind at a time while I'm drawing and they all sort of bump into each other and cancel each other out like opposing particles. If you've seen any of my streams i'm usually very fast and iterative in a lot of my process and i rarely ever slow down even past the early parts like thumbnailing and sketching. i kind of let my hands do the talking more, yknow? but even then theyre never talking about a single thing at a time. everything interacts with everything, which is probably why i always end up getting lost and meandering. composition is not independent from color & value and neither are they from texture and perspective. its hard thinking of all of the ways they mesh and react to one another so i spend less of my energy thinking and more of it doing, and then assessing once something interesting comes about it. i guess then i prioritize my Hand Movement Actioning and Eye Vision Seeing over my Brain Neuron Assessing. but even though iterations can come and go quick this kind of informed throwing-against-the-wall isn't really the Fastest. but its fun. and you get to stuff all the unused ideas in your pocket for later.

even though i did say how connected everything is i always seem to start with composition. it kind of affects and informs everything the most at least on an individual piece level. with thumbnails & composition in general i think youre supposed to think huge right. so i Always think huge. push everything as much as you can. start with a crazy angle (not necessarily angle meaning "perspective" but like an angle between two lines) and border your scene within it. take an already steep foreshortening and steepen it further with the transform tool & see what shapes form from the empty & filled space. shrink your subject to only fit 3/4ths of the canvas and build around it to make it work. blow things up (enlargen) and blow things up (remove & obliterate). with composition you have so much room for fuckery if you give yourself the grace to accept the fuckiness.

and i guess this freedom to fuck around and iterate and build and build and build upon comes from how most of the time my initial ideas are very. vague? abstract like you've said. sometimes its Just a song or a song lyric and nothing else (no characters to attach to just the feel and my gut). sometimes its a less than 5 word phrase i felt strongly about throughout the day. in my me-only discord server i have messages in #to-draw channel that just say shit like "something about guitar straps" "thanks for knowing me!" "angel don't look at me" "DITHER QUEEN" (<-been meaning to make something with that). for things that have specific guidelines i spend more time thinking conceptually (the "rare animal" coelacanth drawing being an example) but otherwise it mostly comes out after. again. the first strokes. after you put the meat and bones on the canvas. an artist at a workshop i was at last year when i was in my own head about Needing to have a fleshed tangible Profound concept before being able to start something told me not to underestimate the stories that can be told just by your hands. and i think thats what stuck with me the most.

& one last thing i wanna mention is how despite how much i revel in the chaos of the process ive found how important limits are. i don't like cutting back on everything but i like cutting back on some things. sometimes i cut out backgrounds for solid fills and i love them that much more. sometimes i have little subconscious rules in a piece that i try not to break to keep a little level of consistency. if somethings a big wonderful mess already then i love a limited pallet and i love keeping parts empty and i love being able to breathe a little. yknow. but still go over the top in the other parts you have so much permission to. less is more but have a little more in your art than less. YKNOW?

but yeah thanks again for your kind words and wanting to listen to me talk. i havent been drawing much at all so these arent too fresh on the mind but i think i got a lot of what i wanted to say out. i hope u and others can get things out of this! if i made any sense <3

[inklver]

just because i feel like it:

some random thoughts about the art i made for ironstrange week + the very rough thumbnails for each piece (putting this under the read more so this doesn't take up too much space bc this is a Very long post)

day 1 - red/wrath

first fanart for this fandom! there are a few things i don't like about this piece (questionable anatomy, use of values could be improved, + stephen's hair makes him look like a wet cat /hj) but i do like the lighting and the theme of red spider lilies. i've always wanted to draw them and i love their symbolism of death and final goodbyes—feels very fitting for these goofs :b

i started working on this a good amount of time in advance, and i'm glad i did—this was one of the only pieces i used a painterly style for despite it being my preferred style; it takes me a lot longer than lineart + color, so i didn't get the chance to use it again throughout the event (with the exception of day 6)

day 2 - nervous/orange

i struggled with the anatomy on this one—i don't draw back views often (or, at all really) so the first panel was pure pain. the second panel wasn't much better; it took several attempts to pose the hand in a way that looked somewhat natural. pretty pleased with how this turned out all things considered, though! my only qualm with this is the rushed shading, but that's what happens when you're a slow artist on a time constraint :,)

day 3 - yellow/cheerful

i think this may be one of my favorites from this event. i'm very very happy with the lighting and overall atmosphere of the piece :)

i realize now that i used flowers as a theme for every color prompt—anyways, like i said in the tags of the original post for this, i very loosely referenced yellow primrose (symbol of happiness, warmth, & love, conventionally given to those in long-term relationships or someone who has always been there for you through thick and thin)

day 4 - intrigued/green

i ended up liking this better than i expected to! i had to play around a lot with the lighting/color scheme before i was satisfied with it, though that's on me for not having much of a plan for it beforehand (with most pieces, i already have an idea of the color scheme when i start working on them). not much else to say about this one except surgeon stephen my beloved <3

day 5 - blue/serene

this was the first time i've properly drawn a kiss and holy hell how do ship artists do it. that shit is so difficult. i struggled a lot with the anatomy and ended up changing the poses a bit; i also flipped the composition because 1. it looked slightly better that way and 2. i could include tony's ring <3

and yes stephen's mug says 'cunt' (with the handle being painted in black to form the 'c'—very much inspired by jacksepticeye's mug); for tony's i had to search for funny mug designs lmfao

i was going for a very domestic/warm atmosphere, which i think was more or less accomplished, so i'm pretty happy with this overall :)

also, not really pertinent but i was listening to sweater weather on loop while drawing this so. make of that what you will.

day 6 - grief/indigo

ah, this piece. definitely my favorite of the 7, love how this turned out despite ripping my own heart out a bit while making it :,) listening to hyacinthus on repeat didn't help

my initial idea for this—the thumbnail in the top left—was going to be one of them bleeding out in the other's arms, but i had another idea that i felt more drawn to so i chose that instead (this was a very last minute change so the thumbnail is pretty much just a couple of stick figures pfft).

i decided to go back to the painterly style since it felt more fitting for this & i'm glad i did, although it was a little rushed towards the end when i was adding in the final details (the butterflies are pretty much just lasso tool + glow layer). this was also my first time drawing stephen's robes and. man that was a pain to figure out. get a simpler outfit stephen.

day 7 - purple/disdain

had to end the event on a happy note! this was very rushed but i still like how it looks, though the bg petals are a bit janky.

the prompt 'purple' immediately made me think of violets, which were used as gifts for newlyweds so. here we are (they also happen to be symbolic of faith, mystical awareness, and spiritual passion—pretty fitting for our favorite wizard)

i didn't dedicate as much time i should've to actually making the violets look like violets instead of some generic flower but again, slow artist under time constraint. i did spend a lot of time with the expressions in this one though! i really wanted to convey a sense of pure joy and love, and i'm very happy with the result in that regard :)

something that i noticed was that it had become a lot easier for me to draw these two by this point. suppose it makes sense considering i'd literally been drawing them nonstop for 2 weeks lmao, but it was still pretty cool to see how quickly i managed to finish a sketch i was happy with, compared to when i was working on the first few days (good lord was it difficult drawing stephen in the first piece, especially at that angle)

anyway, prepare to see more of them in the near future because the brainrot is far from over. if i am this attached to them without having seen the majority of marvel movies featuring them (i'd literally only watched ds1 until yesterday when i watched im1—yes i started shipping them without knowing who tony was, i don't know how either), i think i'd be a puddle by the time i catch up on everything :D

whoo that was a lot—if you've read this far, thank you and have a cookie 🍪

[luckyshotwrites]

How long does it takes for you to do literature and do art? How many requests do you have btw?

HOWDY HOWDY, sorry I did not get to this sooner! Currently I have about 15 asks in my ask box that are questions/writing/art requests. xD I USED to be able to keep up on it but my mind has been getting thrown all over the place lately. (I'M WORKING THROUGH ALL OF THEM whether I can answer them well or not!)

Widfali related art and writing content: If it's Widfali related it can sometimes be a while, reason being, I struggle with what to include and when to include it. I have the story done and have had the plots/arcs all done for at least a year or so now. And I've had the world itself compiled together for more than that. It's hard for me to figure out when to post what and where? I have to be selective with dialogue choices and hints that I drop toward the bigger picture. Thus it's fairly difficult to put together these later chapters as they are leading up to other things and we are finally hitting the point of heavy magic, lore, backstories, etc. (ALSO, I have been getting very distracted lately with irl stuff as well as my own mind throwing tons of ideas to me at once. On my server I have a big list of projects I'm working on/trying to complete at some point for Widfali). Widfali art, I'm slowly trying to learn how to do it. I've definitely had some big improvements over the past few months but I still want to get anatomy, composition, and posing right. (Time estimate: 2-4 days (writing), 1-5 days (art)).

Anything else not Widfali?: It's a little complicated. I've been trying not to distract myself too much until I can get into a real groove with Widfali again. At least 3 posts a week. I love to procrastinate. So other projects are on the back burner. I'm trying to work through the ones I have promised to get done, yet I'm realizing I'm very critical when it comes to doing things for others. And I'm driving myself crazy attempting to make everything perfect and I feel terrible if I'm not able to give people the best. It's why I've been avoiding it. I am still working on it all though!

IN ALL, I cannot give time estimates as I'm terrible at it. However, I will get things done. I will get back on track at some point. THANK YOU FOR THE ASK AND I HOPE YOU HAVE A WONDERFUL DAY! (Nonnegotiable!!)

[ookikufurikabutte]

just popping in to say that i absolutely adore your art! you’ve become one of my biggest inspirations and so inspired me to finally make the translation to digital art. do you have any tips for a beginner? thanks so much and I hope you have a great day!!

oh my gosh!! thank you so much!! you really don’t know how much it means to hear that so thank you, you just made my day!!

i’ve been collecting resources for someone i know who used to only do traditional art years ago, and is recently making the switch to digital, so i’ll link my all time favorite spreadsheet which covers a lot art-wise!! and then i’ll give some of my own advice at the bottom :)

( it’s sorted by the type medium whether it be illustration / animation / storyboarding. they also have a whole section for foundational drawing and links out to websites for poses. it’s also updated every so often! :) it also lists resources and information about programs !! prices are included too! )

—————

now, i’m not too sure how to give advice about art, but i definitely want to try and offer some help! :)

i have been drawing digitally for maybe ~8 years. the switch was really hard, but don’t let it discourage you!! i went on youtube and watched a bunch of speed paints and timelapses of my favorite artists at the time to try and understand how they did certain things. and to be honest, my art was not great! and i’m still improving; things i look at from even 3 months ago i will put my head in my hands at.

anyone would probably tell you to just practice when you say “i want to learn how to draw digitally” but they don’t often tell you what to practice either. i don’t really like that advice (even though it’s mostly true— it just doesn’t feel very beginner-friendly!!). so here are a few things that i wish i was told instead of “just practice to get good”

1. i really recommend finding an artist you like and looking at how they do certain things. try to figure out what you like about it; is it the texture, the colors, the lines, the compositions, etc. maybe think about incorporating the way someone uses bright colors (for example) in your own art (if you like the way the artist uses bright colors).

2. reference photos!! they are key. especially having multiple references, maybe one for lighting, a pose, background, etc. the more the better! — i recommend maybe maybe a folder on your device for references ^^

3. keep your old drawings! — some people tend to get discouraged (me) when they think they’re not improving. best thing i ever did was keep my sketchbooks and try to keep as much of my earliest digital art as possible.

one of my first digital drawings ever VS my redraw from last year…. which i want to redraw again now!!

4. this one is going to sound a little funny, but draw your favorite character! - having a character to constantly draw helped me a ton. especially an original character;

5. if you are feeling uninspired, find a screenshot of some media you enjoy and try to redraw it or do a study of it :). i did this often when i didn’t know what to draw but wanted to draw!

6. experimenting with brushes!! — if you are also stuck, maybe try to download or even create some new brushes. …. i have too many brushes

—————

i really wish i could offer all the advice to help you succeed!! i’d love to see your progress as well!! the main thing i can say is that not everything you create will be a masterpiece, but not every work of art is a mistake either. don’t regret spending time drawing if you love it, even if you aren’t in love with what you create. if you can recognize that something may be off, whether it be proportion-wise, color-wise, ANYTHING, you’re still seeing a way for improving your work. which means you are still improving!

i wish you the best anon!! if you ever have any more questions i can try to help, and i am rooting for you!!!!

you can do it!!!!! :) (ft. drawing i did in elementary school)

[lilaclunablossom]

The Texas Chain Saw Massacre Review

I saw 1974’s The Texas Chain Saw Massacre for my horror marathon, the day before Halloween.

I might’ve seen this movie as a kid, I don’t remember, but I was definitely always terrified by the idea of Leatherface. As everyone knows, he’s a killer who likes to use a chainsaw, and wears his victims’ skin. He’s inspired by the real-life serial killer Ed Gein, and while Gein didn’t use a chainsaw, and didn’t have the same speech issues, he did in fact like to wear human skin.

It’s directed by Tobe Hooper, who also directed Poltergeist, which was on the marathon list, but I wasn’t able to get to it. The shot composition is great, with some amazing stand-out shots, like the skeleton sculpture Leatherface makes.

The acting is good, maybe a bit goofy at times, but I feel like that added to the psychotic feeling, especially when certain characters are expanded later on. And WOW, I didn’t expect this movie to focus so much on characters other than Leatherface. Suffice to say, this movie was also twistier than I expected.

It’s pretty well-known by now that this is a vegetarian work, and now that I’ve finally seen it as an adult, it’s really obvious. Even without knowing beforehand, I probably would’ve figured it out. The main characters explicitly discuss how horribly animals are treated in slaughterhouses. Leatherface makes bone sculptures, places his victims on a hook like animal carcasses, and there’s pig sounds when he’s killing. Hell, even him wearing human skin is a parallel to wearing animal skin, hence the name “Leatherface” even though human skin isn’t called “leather.” In fact, now that I’m thinking about it, the only reason the main characters start roaming around the countryside is because one of their family members had their grave robbed… like how humans mess around with animal corpses.

The music was made by the director himself and Wayne Bell, and is apparently one of the earliest works of genuine dark ambient music. It uses no “actual” musical instruments, and is meant to sound like what an animal would hear in a slaughterhouse. I LOVE dark ambient, and this shit slaps. It’s SO moody and industrial, it’s wonderful.

So yeah, I’m not a vegetarian, but it’s extremely clever to make a slasher where the victims represent animals, and the symbolism in general is very well-done. Guillermo del Toro became vegetarian for 4 years after seeing this, and it’s easy to see why.

This movie is also famous for making daytime feel scary, and while there is a night-time section, this is true – most of the movie is pretty bright, but still feels scary. Lots of movies have done this since (Midsommar comes to mind), but it must’ve been impressive for the 70s.

Fun side note, I love the way Leatherface acts at the end. It comes across like he’s dancing, and it feels strangely cathartic. 4.5/5

I’m sorry animals, you just taste so good and my diet is too accustomed to you ;A;

[spacepiratedog]

I’ve been thinking about doing some old-fashioned blogging as a form of self-expression and therapeutic journaling. I do have my own personal journal that I write in from time to time, but there is something soothing about sharing your thoughts, even if it’s just tossing those thoughts into the void of the internet. Someone, somewhere, may read those thoughts and get something out of it, be it some comfort or maybe even a laugh.

No matter the format, I find the act of journaling to be a great way to reset and ground myself, especially during emotionally difficult times.

For me, it helps me to unravel the chaotic thoughts in my head and untangle the difficult “knots” that my emotions can get tied into. It forces me to sit down and work through what I am feeling, to put actual words to those intense emotions, and helps me be more introspective. It’s almost like having a private conversation with myself. Instead of having those thoughts clogging up my mindspace, it’s like I am physically taking them out and putting them down on the paper for safekeeping.

Personally I prefer to write my thoughts by hand, as there is something a little more intimate about putting pen to paper for me, but typing allows for being able to journal almost anywhere you are without having to have anything more than your phone. Everyone has their own personal preferences, and as long as journaling in whatever form is bringing you some inner peace and clarity, that’s all that matters.

I don’t journal as much as I used to, and certainly not as much as I should. I used to journal every day, but I did not get to that point overnight. Like every good habit, it takes time, effort, and dedication to implement it into your daily life, and it also seems much easier to fall out of the habit than it is to get into it in the first place. It’s still worth doing though, and it helps you practice having some grace and patience when it comes to yourself and your self-growth journey. Missing a day (or 5) does not make you a failure; it just means you need more practice.

You also learn a little about yourself as you try to incorporate it into your life. For me, I finally realized that if I really wanted to get into the habit of daily journaling, I had to get a plain old composition book instead of a cute journal with a unique cover or pretty patterns on the pages. As much as I like those kinds of journals, it puts added pressure on me to keep the journal neat and perfect, and I am less likely to write in it with that mindset. I can still get a composition book with a pretty colored cover, but at least I am not afraid of “messing it up”. It also helps me to be consistent with my writing format in my journals - date in the upper right of the entry, starting a new paragraph for an idea change, same-spaced indentations for each paragraph, using the same exact pen to write, etc…I’m sure that all sounds a little much, but having that consistency helps me feel calmer, more in control, which in turn helps me get my thoughts of out my head.

While everyone finds their own ways of dealing with the stress of existing on this mortal coil, for someone who has not yet figured out their coping technique, I would highly recommend starting with journaling. It is a relatively simple thing that most anyone can do, and it doesn’t require anything more than a writing implement and a space to put your words down (be it a pen and paper, a computer and keyboard, or a touchscreen and your fingers). If it doesn’t work for you that’s alright too, because you now have a better idea of what doesn’t work for you and can keep working to find what does work.

One last positive I will say about journaling is that you can go back to previous entries and see how far you have come. It can be very difficult when you are going through hard times, but looking back on those hard times once you are in a better place can fill you with so much pride in yourself and all the work you have done to get where you are now, and that is an invaluable feeling to have.

[epacer]

Classmates

Doug Robinson, Class of 1973

Here's My Story

I was raised on Art Street--there's a good start in life.

My folks were loving and unusual people. My older brother Andy was a neighborhood rockstar and my hero. There was always music in our house because Dad owned a couple of bars in downtown San Diego and he was always testing out new 45s to see which ones would end up in his jukeboxes. So Andy I and got our fill of Marty Robbins, Ray Stevens, Ray Charles and then later The Beatles, The Beach Boys, The Kinks, Herman's Hermits and everything else that was happening at the time.

I started piano lessons at nine years old; Andy was already drumming in a rock band and I was learning drums from him as well. As it turned out, I developed a knack for picking up a new instrument and sounding better than horrible pretty quickly, eventually learning guitar, bass, vibes and of course piano and drums. My teacher, the lovably ancient Mrs. Foote (who would sit in my lessons with her Pekingese tucked under her arm while she wept loudly at how "beee-uuutifuly" I was playing) was less encouraging about my original compositions which began to emerge. (To all the parents out there--if your kid starts composing at nine, give her some room to develop those skills. She can always go back to practicing the Bach and Beethoven later.)

Frustrated, I quit taking piano lessons and started to practice on my own for hours every day. My first band experiences, though, were as a drummer. There were lots of rehearsals with groups like Bass Four, The Shylords, Kong and other '60s garage bands. I was a rocker for certain, although I did listen to Ahmad Jamal's beautiful version of "Poinsettia" over and over to try to figure out what was going on.

One day when I was probably 12, a young kid came up to me and asked if I wanted to sub for his jazz band's drummer. He twisted my arm by promising a payday of $5 or $10 for the gig, and the next thing I knew I was sitting in a rehearsal with four supremely talented young players: Nathan East on acoustic bass, Carl Evans Jr on piano, Hollis Gentry lll on sax and Casper Glenn on sax. It was the first time in my life that I'd even been the only white guy in the room, but I remember choosing not to feel intimidated. In fact, the vibe was so friendly and the laughter came so easily during setup that I had completely forgotten to panic about the fact that i knew NOTHING about jazz until Hollis--a handsome kid of about 14 with the poise and voice of an adult--called out the first tune (The Creator, by Pharoah Sanders). When I asked what I should play, Hollis grinned and said cooly "This is jazz, man--just play what you feel."

He didn't know it, but that comment probably jumpstarted my puberty and changed my musical life forever. We became a unit that served as the core group of the award-winning Crawford High School Stage Band, the Crawford Pep band and off-campus music groups like The Chapparells and Solid State. Jazz became the music of my heart, even though I never abandoned any of the other styles. They just slid over to the side and waited for their chance.

After focusing on the drums for most of my early teens, I was  eager to explore my piano-based compositions which were heavily influenced by Randy Newman and Rupert Holmes as well as the progressive rock of ELP, Frank Zappa and then Mahavishnu Orchestra and early Weather Report. Luckily for me, I wandered into the Crawford Choir room at lunch time (where I would normally compose instead of hanging out in the quad) and I heard someone playing piano in more or less my own jazz-rock style. To my shock, it was Keith Milne, a senior and athletic star on campus. I'd always figured him as a total square, but within minutes we were sitting side by side and composing the first of several wonderful melodies which were later brought to life by our excellent band The Twinkies, which also featured Cory Homnick and Paul Sundfor on sax, clarinet and flute; John Marotti on trumpet and flute; Mike Rios on bass; John Frawley on guitar and Gary Irvine on drums. Keith and I alternated on Hammond B3 and piano, and we built a nice reputation for ourselves in the San Diego area, appearing several times at SDSU's The Back Door, a folk club.

All along, I'd been volunteering my time at the San Diego branch of Synanon, an innovative drug rehab program that was blossoming into an intentional community where ex-addicts lived side by side with 'squares' like myself. I learned how to communicate effectively and to be empathetic with people from radically different walks of life. it was brilliant, eye-opening stuff and I used those skills with all of my relationships...and still do today, when I'm on my best behavior. In Synanon, I met lots of incredible musicians but none so important to me as Frank Rehak (frankrehak.com), a trombone legend who had played with Miles Davis, Dizzy Gillespie and others, even though his terrible heroin addiction kept him from achieving fame outside of the music world. He took an interest in me and my music, and when I decided to move into Synanon full-time with the plan to teach music in their kibbutz-style school, he laid out a 40 hour weekly music program for my own education, along with pianist and wicked Zen master Al Bauman.

I could not have had a more exciting or fulfilling couple of decades. Frank and I became great friends, and through him I met David Scott, Bruce Gilbert, Doug Hurt, Ken Elias, Wendell Stamps, and other amazing musicians who held down a chair from time to time in the 'house' band known as The Sounds of Synanon. We played jazz festivals and college concerts as well as doing recruiting tours in prisons and juvenile camps where the audience was exposed to the success stories of the guys in the band, mostly ex-addicts themselves. I learned to be a radio personality from the one and only Dan Sorkin; I learned sales and creative marketing through our in-house business that came to be known as AdGap (Advertising Gifts and Premiums). I also fell in love a few times, with my longest relationship being the special union between Glenda Alice Garrett and myself.

We survived the eventual death of the community, plugging onward with other ex-residents who were part of AdGap which became a standalone integrated marketing company. For over a decade, Glenda and I traveled to work with clients around the country but most often with our friends at Abbott Laboratories who time after time risked ridicule and embarrassment by choosing our promotional campaigns over those of competitors who were far more qualified on paper. But as it turned out, our common sense and irreverent brand of marketing did the job for them and we succeeded beyond our wildest dreams--thanks in part to our talented colleagues, our wonderful assistants Sande Millstein and Judy Malcolm, and our fearless leadership team of Brooks Carder and Macyl Burke.

We were fortunate beyond belief, retiring in 2001. Returning to San Diego to spend time with my mom after my dad had died, we set up life in the hills of Escondido and it was good...but something was missing. I had a marvelous trio--JAZZOOO, with Duncan Moore and Ken Dow--but those moments onstage and in the studio weren't really enough to keep a couple of ex-revolutionaries like Glenda and me excited.

We found what we were looking for when we went to central Mexico to visit an old friend from our community, Mayer Shacter. We discovered San Miguel de Allende, an arts-oriented colonial town in the middle of the country. Amazing musicians, artists, writers and other creative types had all made the decision to live 8 hours from the beach, 90 minutes from an airport, and light years away from the kind of convenience we had taken for granted our entire lives as residents of the US. We built our new lives in Mexico, producing fundraising events, concerts, parties, contributing to college funds for under-priviledged kids, teaching, building a dream house and studio. And we also battled breast cancer, which brought us back to the US for a full nine months of treatment. Thanks to the tender loving care of our Synanon friends, along with the loving and professional wisdom of our dear friend Jaime Aguet--we conquered that challenge. But a couple of years later, our marriage ended. We both found true love again, but sadly Glenda's cancer returned with a vengeance and she passed away in January of 2015.

Life goes on, if we're lucky. Today I am back in San Miguel de Allende and facing each day as the first day of the rest of my life. Up till lockdown, I produced concerts, played gigs, taught a little and composed and recorded new music at a pretty healthy clip. My 2019 release is called HYMN FOR HER and it's dedicated to all of the amazing women who have shaped and guided me with their feminine energy and love throughout my life. My 2020 release is START WITH WATER.

Things are starting back up now as of September 2022--new shows, new music, new life! *Reposted bio from Doug Robinson in his own words posted on dougrobinson.com website.

[rikeijo]

Today's translation #12

Sayo Yamamoto’s interview in Go Yuri go!!! offical fanbook

Part 2.

Q: Without going into details, how was the production organized?

The first step was that I did the series composition and created the plot for the whole series. Based on that, we discussed the details with Kubo-san and she drew manga storyboards for episodes 1-5. From ep 6 onward, it was… how I should put it? An uncharted land (laugh). In the GP series episodes, I was thinking we should make at least 6 skaters compete each episode. The time we had for one episode is 20min10s and normally a short program is 2min50s. When we ordered music for the programs, we asked to shorten it to about 2 min, but I wanted to animate all elements [of a program], so we asked Miyamoto (Kenji)-sensei, the choreographer, to save some time on the in-between sequences and spins. But we still haven't got enough time, so when I was doing the series composition, I calculated everything like: from X min to X min this character skates, and then from X min this character skates… while taking into consideration all failed jumps and so on. But I had to shorten everything even more and decide where to put other elements, scenes and lines I wanted to include. But even then, when I drew the storyboards, they turned out to be way too long and I've spend enormous amount of time editing them. The very talented person who I worked with, Nagasaka Tomoki, has experience with editing live action movies, so thanks to him, we managed to make it, but every week a huge amount of time was spent on the editing.

Q: How did you decide on the program composition for each character?

Kubo-san and I created the story for each character's program and then I made tables where each element of the story and how long it should be was mapped to the program's music, plus I decided on other things, like what type of jumps should be included and I gave this all to Miyamoto-sensei. But when it comes to rules in figure skating, I'm not a professional, so even though I wanted to make this character do this jump and this spin, it turned out it was necessary to check if it would even be realistic or not. So, we worked with a figure skating coach, Yokoya Hanae, who works at Meiji Jingu Gaien sports club [fun fact: she still works there and you can totally buy individual lessons with her XD]. Yokoya-sensei was active competitor at the same time as Ito Midori, and she has competed in GPF and won at Nationals. She kindly supervised all types of jumps and spins for us. We also asked her for her advice on the scores for each character, if they are actually possible and not wrong.

Q: Tell us about the process of choreographing the programs.

While listening to the music, first of all, I made a table where I put which fragment of the music (from which second to which second) I want to link with the specific element of the story. Even though it was a first time for me doing something like that, it was surprisingly easy because I had been previously working on anime openings and endings where I also had to fit the story to the music and lyrics of the song. Then, while taking advice from Miyamoto-sensei I decided where to put jumps. Together with Kubo-san, we explained to Miyamoto-sensei the story in each program, characters' personalities and the origins of the music, so he could put it all into the choreography. At first we were thinking that on day one while practicing Miyamoto-sensei would create the choreography and then the next day we would film it, but because there were so many songs it was very tiring physically, and so we decide to film the choreography as it was being created.

Q: What took the longest?

I think it was Phichit's FS. Miyamoto-sensei has hurt himself and so he had to skate with [kinesiology] taping. Also, in this FS we wanted to include elements of traditional Thai dance, so we had to do some research on it while creating the choreography - this also took time. We were really worried because Miyamoto-sensei has told us that even as an active competitor he has never had to skate with taping… There was a trainer from Edogawa who helped us with taping and massages, so it was reassuring [to have somebody like that who can help].

[Notes: Next part is also about choreography, then costumes, music, visuals, voice acting/recording and closing comments 🌺]

[shayneysides]

She's always known, a little bit. It still hurts though

reblogs over likes, click the images (tumblr REALLY messed them up), tags are welcome, all that

notes about this under the cut, because there's a lot:

Sorry there's so much here, I just have a lot of thoughts at least vaguely connected to this comic

1. This took me genuinely 43 hours (Procreate tracks your time spent on a canvas) and I'm so glad it's finally done. It's a fairly short comic, but there were some parts that were just ridiculously tedious (the moonlight, kitty's hair in page 3) and I couldn't draw for more than like 4 hours at a time because it made me feel ill, but I did really enjoy making this.

2. The core feeling in this is meant to illustrate the feeling of realizing your race affects the way someone close to you treats you more than you thought, in a negative way. Obviously race affects the way people perceive you, but specifically the realization that someone you love thinks less of you because. you aren't white. That's a terrible way to put it, but I can't think of anything else, literally the best way I can describe the feeling is this comic.

3.https://drive.google.com/drive/folders/1qw4Yrzi1wfvinr24UZ1nH14tm6lyHkxU?usp=sharing If you really want to see, these images are slightly higher quality, although I can't even figure out how to get those to look sharper.

4. I drew the first panel way before I drew the rest, so visually and thematically it doesn't entirely fit. I tend to think of it as a cover page, or a short setup, rather than an actual part of the story.

5. A huge part of my motivation to work on this was @varietysky's kittyposting, so thank you! Also, definitely go check out her account she's so cool :)

6. Kitty's backstory is incredibly tragic, and I really hope this comic did her justice. I think Florence was a friend to her, as her only non-terrible companion, but at the end of the day Florence is a statue whose only personality can be whatever traits Kitty projects onto her. And since Kitty's sister is her only living friend, I imagine Florence may reflect her personality. I don't know if that makes any sense, but it's the reason Florence isn't a particularly kind friend in this.

7. I struggle a lot with comics and composition, which is why I didn't really use panels at all, I just don't know how to place them well. I may continue doing comics like this, because I think it looks really cool, and I have plans for a Mary one in the future.

That's it, thank you for reading!

[bonelessghoul]

Until My Last Breath

requested by: @just-deka

summary: A heartrender in the rankings of the Crows and with an unspoken relationship with Kaz Brekker finds herself in trouble during a heist when there is a run in with the Dime Lions. When Kaz fights his way in to get her out of the mess it became, the two end up trapped and fighting for their lives. But in their last moments, the truth comes out. 

note: LMAO THIS WAS THE BEST WAY I COULD SUM UP THE REQUEST, but I was genuinely panicking at the end of this hoping this turned out the way you wanted it to!! Hope you enjoy :)

~

If you knew your life was going to end, what would you do? That would be a fun question to answer, but not if you only had minutes to live. Maybe hours. Hours was too optimistic though, and they realized that if they weren’t found soon, then the light in their eyes would be put out forever.

It was pure misery and bliss all at once as they stared at each other, the crushing weight of the rubble they were trapped under causing a flicker of fear deep in their stomachs. The things they wanted to say to each other could wrap around the world twice, but they settled with an endearing yet pained look only they knew with nothing but the space between their fingerprints reaching out to one another. It hurt to be so close and unable to touch.

If you had minutes to live, who would be the last face you’d want to see?

~

The chandeliers spaced throughout the high ceiling of the Crow Club gave a vintage touch with its dim light, making the deep red curtains around the room seem darker and masking the daylight from the outdoors. But tucked away in the second story was Kaz Brekker’s office. It was his solace away from the clamor of the club that was only muffled from where he sat hunched over his desk.

The midday crowd was already filling the club to the brim from the booths to the game tables and every space in between.  

But one figure slipped through it with ease, weaving in and out in a fresh white blouse, cinched in the middle and sleeves like balloons like an angel. It was like clockwork when you would find your way up the stairs to the office, bypassing the allure of the liquor and games Jesper engorged himself with. You were busy back in your room at the Slat, tinkering with new scraps of the latest mechanics you dug for, but like you said; your arrival was like clockwork.

Kaz, glancing at his pocket watch, stared as the thin needle of a hand rolled around the center point and as if on cue, he found YN breezing through the door with a breath of relief from squeezing through the crowd. His office smelled like remnants of firewood, the freshly brewed coffee he had filling the air. While the daylight was hidden in the club downstairs, a window was opened allowing a cool breeze and the cloudy skies to find their way into this massive space which also held a small bedroom.

As a Heartrender, you would never admit to the way Kaz’s heart would pick up whenever you were near.

“Morning.” you greeted, a handful of mail sent for him to the Slat in your hands as you crossed the space between the door and his desk.

Offering him the small stack and he took it, the shadows under his eyes seeming darker today. You were always up before the sun when your mind could not stop thinking of a new idea, and more often than not, you’d hear Kaz sneaking out in the early morning without a word.

“It’s afternoon.” he said, slyly glancing up at her as his gloved hand took the papers.

With your hands free, you sat yourself upon the very corner of his desk and looking down at the two cups of coffee still topped off with steam, one cup significantly lighter than the other. Smiling contently to yourself, you wrapped your hands around the mug and picked it up to your lips.

“Hope you got it right.”

Kaz glanced up once more as he sorted through the letters.

His eyes flickered over you for a moment, pausing from what he initially wanted to say and you could hear his heart beat in your ears as it skipped.

“Don’t worry, I made it sickening sweet.” Kaz mused, heaving a sigh as he leaned back in his chair.

“Good, I’ll slip slowly and waste more time here then.” you chuckled lightly.

You would be lying if you said you didn’t enjoy sitting on his desk, sharing a cup of coffee and hearing him rant as he read the bills, the offers from others, imported goods, the bank statements, and everything else that came with the stress of running a club, not to mention an entire gang. There as a guilty pleasure as a Heartrender that involved enjoying just how flustered became down to a cellular level , but her relationship with Kaz was different; being a Heartrender taught her how much she could push and how to know when to stop pushing given his complicated boundaries.

Admittedly, as indifferent as she made herself seem when it came to Kaz, had he been the Heartrender you would have been in trouble if he could hear your heart. Every time you saw his face at the end of a job, whenever he’d look at you as you sat like you did now, and even every little bit of your unique intimacy sent your heart racing.

It seemed there were many ways to love someone that didn’t involve touching, you thought to yourself, watching Kaz’s brows furrow in the slightest with every word he read with a bittersweet smile. But it hurt when she couldn’t hold his hand or feel his comforting arms at the end of the day.

“So, what’s on the agenda today?” you asked, clearing your throat. “Things have been awfully quiet lately.”

Kaz smirked, snickering lightly to himself as he looked up at her.

“We don’t say the words quiet around here because next thing you know, it won’t be so quiet and our hands will be full with trouble.”

You raised your brows. “Well, is something coming our way?”

The look on his face confirmed it all. A simple job was offered to the Crows and a select few Dregs of his choosing (but Kaz would tell you to round up those best for it anyway), to steal a vintage piece of jewelry just brought to  Ketterdam’s historic society display room. It was a job within a job, for the person requesting this jewelry and its unique elemental composition worth hundreds of thousands, it was the key to a bigger job after this which they hoped to secure.

“They have a pretty tight security system.” You sighed, holding up the blueprints he pulled out in front of you.

“Perhaps, you can figure it out in a more spacious area than the corner of my desk.” Kaz frowned, looking away as his chin rested in his palm. Then, only his eyes moved towards her. “I’m leaving the tight security system to you because you’re the only one who is creative enough to get by them. Inej scouted every entrance and found the source of the security system’s mechanics.”

It seemed easy, nothing you hadn’t come up with before, and an idea was already forming in your head to your excitement.

“Tinker around, get the ancient necklace, and a boat load of kruge.” You said simply, your voice only wavering in the slightest as your eyes narrowed at just how intricate the alarm system was.

Kaz stood up from his seat, taking the maps from her to wrap up and slide away in its casing.

“You should be on your way. Best to get a quick start so we can be in and out tonight.” Kaz said, handing her the cylinder casing for the blueprints.

“Oh, I’d sit here all day of you let me.” you grinned, earning an eye roll from him.

“Go.” Kaz pressed, his face more asserting now, trying to hide his own smirk.

But even as you strolled out the door, you could hear his heart rate jumping. Kaz’s eyes didn’t leave your figure on the way out, still staring out into space after the door shut. He leaned over his desk with his palms pressed into the wooden edge and his head dropped with a sigh.

Kaz Brekker was in trouble and his little Heartrender already knew.

~

There was a slightly calmer hour to be found at the Crow Club between the midday crowd leaving and night crowd slowly taking its place. In that time, you found yourself sitting at a booth and sinking into the curved red velvet seating.

You were sketching out a tool that will silence the alarm mechanisms that you had been reading up on for the past two hours. Time was running slow and your back began to ache from the position you barely moved from as you dug the lead into the parchment.

“Hey, YN! How’s it—”

“Jesper!”

Your hands frantically waved him off as his palm came down on your sprawled out pile of sketches and he jumped back, staring at you with wide eyes.

“Sorry, sorry.” You said, piling up the previous sketched of the tool you were designing, the exhaustion clear in your skiddish movements. “I have just been trying to wrap my head around this job tonight.”

Jesper smoothly slid into the booth, sitting next to you with eyes scanning over the maps. From behind, Inej approached them and slid into the booth from the other side and now, both Crows were perched upon her shoulders and looking at her work.

“The historical society in the Geldestraat is no playground.” Inej sighed.

“Oh, it’s a playground for sure, just one with little landmines at every step and Stadwatch at every corner. Then, it’s a race to the last swing on the swing set and that is our prize at the end of tonight.” Jesper ranted, his hands flailing as he spoke.

By the time he was done speaking, you and Inej stared at him, speechless.

“You must have been the child that was always bullied at playgrounds, weren’t you?” you muttered, turning your head back to the blueprints. “It’s one of the most complex, yet easiest security systems we’ve had to break into. If the necklace is on display in the spot you say it is, Inej, then this window here is our best bet.”

“Best bet for what?” Inej asked, looking at her quizzically.

Grinning, you held up the drawing of a box no bigger than your hand, the inner workings of your mind scribbled across the page.

“The window has about 5 seconds from the moment it’s opened all the way before it starts setting off an alarm which has a domino affect on the other alarms. It’s a system of bells and the window we’re going through is the start of the system. If I can forge this box to the right dimensions of the window and the string that is triggered from the window opening, then we will have a few minutes before it breaks, and the bells signal any Stadwatch in the area.”

Jesper scoffed. “Then don’t build a little tool that is going to break.”

Your hands ran over your face and instantly, you swatted at his shoulder.

“My work is impeccable, but that string is thin and ready to snap, it’s why they used it so that when the window opened, it would cut it and set off the bells.”

“Oh!” he said slowly, coming to the realization as his lips formed an o.

Even as you spoke of your plan as easily as floating down a stream, it was too good to be true. There were a dozen other factors you haven’t considered yet that made this all the more tricky. In theory, it sounded simple but getting through the window and setting up the tool in time was critical, not to mention getting to the lower level of the museum and back in time before the bells go off.

Leaning on your elbows, your shoulders sunk just a little as your mind continued to pour over the plan.

“I have to be efficient. I say we get a few minutes, give or take another fifteen minutes tops, to make it to the necklace and back without a single peep.”

Jesper glanced at Inej who was standing beside you now and looking it all over.

“Can you do that Inej?”

Immediately, the girl shook her head.

“I may be the most graceful here, but I’m surprisingly not the fastest.”

You didn’t pay any mind to the attention being shoved on you. While you wouldn’t admit it, you’ve already been thinking of it all afternoon and it left your stomach in knots.

“I’ve been walking through this all afternoon.” you sighed, a hint of defeat in your face. “Partially, I feel like taking our chances by taking these jewels in broad daylight.” you half joked.

Suddenly, your hearing focused in on a heart that almost had a third pound through his chest from the cane who always wore. That and his heartbeat both resounded through Kaz’s body with such strength, but, even when you expected him to be near, you didn’t expect him behind the booth sending the three of you with the Saints.

“We do not have the luxury of stealing things in broad daylight, YN.” Kaz said, startling everyone out of their own skin, looming over their shoulders until they he was in front of the table. “We got the jump on this before anyone else, there is no other time to do this but tonight so you all have to be ready.”

You looked up at him, slightly taken back at how high strung he was over this job, his own stressed soul infecting theirs. His eyes scanned over the three of them and then, fell on yours, but you were already looking at the hard lines in his face accentuated by his frown.

Nodding, you tore your eyes away from him and got back to work.

This job was going to break a sweat out in all of them before it even started.

~

“This one won’t explode, yes?” Kaz asked you.

Frowning at him, you waved the contraption you built in an hour Iin the air.

“Look, I know the last one did but this was a simple put together of a few different pieces. See, if you just-'

Kaz put his hand up with an exasperated look, signaling you to stop the demonstration you tried to put on by showing him the inside of your invention.

The two or you stood by one of the street level windows to the small brick building, it’s window panes and shutters painted black, and on this little side street there was no light that found its way here except the faint blue moon above their heads. Kaz had just unlocked the windows, and he stood there just inches away before he would open the window and you’d crawl in, having to be quick.

As you looked at him, you almost couldn’t distinguish who’s heart was racing faster.

Every time you tried to think of your path to the second story where the famous necklace was on display, your thoughts kept getting scrambled.

“Be fast, but not sloppy and get back here in one piece with that jewel in your hand.” Kaz said, his voice not missing a confident beat.

You nodded, smiling reassuringly and your hands nervously straightened the flaps of his wool jacket and you took a shaky breath.

“Got it. Open it up.”

With his cane, Kaz stepped towards the window and gave you one last look as you prepared to jump from the crate and through the opening. Even the first story was a bit of a height difference from the street, but you were quick and had the jumping skill set needed.

Kaz nodded at her and without a moment to waste, Kaz opened the window and you sprinted in, your foot pressing into the crate, pushing off of it and your hands clutching the windowsill to guide you in with ease. There was only a few seconds left and you leaped up to the top of the window, watching as the string that held together their alarm system was growing taught and with your heart pounding, your arm shot out to grab it before it snapped and finally, you could let out a breath or relief.

“Did it work?” Kaz asked, peaking his head through the window

Your tongue was peaking through your lips as you focused intently on wrapping the string in your contraption without moving it too much, settling it against the window secured in place like it were a second addition to big metal box against the wall that was the start it.

“YN!” he hissed.

You shushed him, beads of sweat forming at your temples, slowly leaning back as you released your invention that would keep the string in place, everything seemingly more quiet than normal.

That was good though, the silence being a sign that it was working.

Leaping down, you faced Kaz on the other side of the window and smiled at him, giving a wave of the hand in the form of a salute.

“See ya in a minute.”

Kaz grinned at you, but you turned and ran before you could hear him say a word.

The historical society was an old mansion, when they were a little smaller back in the day, converted into a museum. The hardwood floors and floral carpets were the original, the walls having been painted over a baby blue and hung with artwork that dated before Ketterdam was even recognized on the map. Everyone believed they were copies though.

You came out to the front entrance, a massive open space with a chandelier made of diamonds that sparkled and cast sharp little reflections around the room from the moon that shone in through the window above the tall double doors.

Holding your breath, you slowly looked around, not a single sound or movement to be made.

It was clear and you were set to take off up the stairs, careful not to place your hand along the railing. At the top of the stairs, it split into two hallways but you need not worry about which one to go down because the jewels were sitting in a small case, overlooking the home. They were meant to be in a room down the hall, having yet to be put on display, but it seems your job just got easier.

With a devious, proud grin across your lips, you looked at the ember colored jewels sat into the heavy golden necklace, and even you had to take a moment to admire it’s beauty as if there was a fire burning in each and every individual stone. But, you glanced at the pocket watch you had stolen from Kaz years ago and knew you only had a minute of assurance that the alarm wouldn’t go off before you had to run back

With gloved hands, you lifted the glass boxand plucked the jewel out from it.

In one swift move you placed the glass back and turned around, ready to bolt down the stairs, but two gunshots shattered your senses and while you couldn’t understand why at first, you were sent hurdling down the stairs with no control of your body.

Kaz was growing impatient standing in the alleyway, anxiously checking his watch, counting down the minutes. It shouldn’t have taken this long, and he knew that you knew that as well. Maybe they hid the necklace after the museum closed or maybe they haven’t even had the chance to put it out yet, but Kaz was not looking forward to having to jump to their plan B.

“Dammit, YN" he hissed, glancing through the window into the dark hallway.

But the sound of guns being fired sent him in a frenzy and without waiting a second, Kaz climbed through the window fearing the worst.

By the time you landed, rolling to a stop, the wind had been knocked out of you, pain started surging through your backside from your left hip to right shoulder blade, and left you dizzy and gasping for air. Still clutched in your hands was the necklace, and you tried to focus on how many heartbeats were in the room, but you couldn’t concentrate with the pain you were in.

“Lock her up, she’s a Heartrender.” said a man with a thick Kerch accent that sent her stomach in knots.

“No.” you painfully gasped, trying to bring your hands together.

But one boot came stomping down on the wrist that held the necklace and your screamed out in pain as your shattered bones grinded against. Suddenly, your numb fingers could no longer find the golden chain as it was taken from your hands in Pekka Rollins came into view.

“I’ll be taking that, darling. Thanks for doing the work for us!”

As Pekka stood over you, his shadowed face looking down at you with a horrid grin that made your blood boil. Your hand was shaking as you tried to bring them together, but he waved his finger in front of your face.

“Don’t even try it or a bullet will be put in your head the moment you even move a muscle.” he threatened.

At the sound of a cane smacking into a man’s skull, your head sharply turned as you lay on the ground, watching Kaz storm into the room and begin fighting the Dime Lions that charged at him.

“Kaz, no!” you cried out, your heart nearly lurching from your chest.

It was only moments before two of them seized Kaz, bringing him down on his knees. Tears pricked your eyes as you watched them relentlessly dig their fists into every part of his body, his head refusing to fall in defeat.

“What a surprise, Mr.Brekker.” Rollins taunted, strolling over to him. “I worried you might have been here before we were when your little Wraith hijacked our meeting with the buyer, but I figured, why not sit back and let you do the work for us?”

Kaz glared up at Pekka, his eyes flickering to you as you lay there, a gun pointed to your head at the hands of another Dime Lion and you watched his face drain of all its color.

“Not her.” Kaz said unconsciously, the words passing through his lips like he were thinking out loud. 

That was their first mistake.

“I didn’t know the Dregs at a Heartrender in their rankings.” Pekka said, observing Kaz’s faulty eyes, glancing back at you with a smug grin. “That sounds a bit like cheating.” But then, he shrugged and his head rolled back to Kaz. “Bah, what do I care? She won’t make it much longer, but you? If you manage to crawl out of this mess, I might have a little more respect for ya.”

You didn’t know what mess Pekka Rollins was referring to, but your backside was already aching, blood seeping through your clothes now as you lay on the cold floor.

Kaz was writhing in their grips, bloody murder written across his face as he seemed to make his way out of one of their grasps and just as you thought he would have won, a gun shot rang through the air and made you jump.

Despite all the pain, you watched as Kaz crumpled to the ground and your body instantly shot up, wincing as Pekka kicked him in the face. But another shot resounded through the air, and you collapsed back on the ground with your hand still reaching for him, your leg now feeling useless as the bullet lodged itself in your calf. You watched as Kaz roll in his back, face contorted with pain.

The tears began to fall and you lay there, looking at him, waiting for his eyes to open and look back at you.

“Let’s leave, boys. Blow the place on the way out.”

That order sent a chill through your body and you helplessly watched them walk away.

“Kaz…” you weakly croaked out, watching him begin to prop himself up, one hand holding his stomach. “Kaz, we need to go.”

As you tried to shuffle towards him, every muscle in your body screaming with pain, you were only inches away from your fingertips reaching the lapels of his coat. Kaz looked at you, his eyes wide, but the moment he reached out for you, a blast shook the entire building and the last thing you saw was the walls crumbling down around you.

~

“YN!”

The voice was muffled, just barely heard over the ringing over your ears. Slowly, your eyes blinked open, and you couldn’t feel a thing as you watched the dark blue twilight sky above your head. It was almost peaceful, the sky lightening ever so lightly that you could make out the thick clouds that were almost black against the backdrop of the sky.

But then, the sharp scent of smoke that clouded your lungs and the irony taste of blood in your mouth took you away from your blissful moment and thrusted you into one of sheer panic as it crawled up your spine.

“YN!”

The ringing stopped and you could hear the cackling of flames and rubble grinding against each other now, turning your head to see Kaz.

Soot streaked his face; the panic you felt now visible in his widened eyes and the way his lips hung open like he was staring at a ghost. Your hands were merely inches from each other now and all around, the ceiling lay in shambles, the chandelier at your heads spreading its little diamonds across the space between you two. For a moment you wonder if that was what spared you two from the wood and stone that lay around you, but when you looked, you see that wood was piercing your thigh and the door lay over your ankle.

“Kaz.” you said shakily, looking back at him.

It was amazing how you couldn’t feel a thing, but that was probably good.

You two stared at each other, panting and clearly at a loss of what to do, except all you two could do was look at each other.

If you knew your life was going to end, what would you do? That would be a fun question to answer, but not if you only had minutes to live. Maybe hours. Hours was too optimistic though, and they realized that if they weren’t found soon, then the light in their eyes would be put out forever.

It was pure misery and bliss all at once as you stared at each other, the crushing weight of the rubble they were trapped under causing a flicker of fear deep in their stomachs. The things they wanted to say to each other could wrap around the world twice, but they settled with an endearing yet pained look only they knew with nothing but the space between their fingerprints reaching out to one another. It hurt to be so close and unable to touch.

If you had minutes to live, who would be the last face you’d want to see?

“Don’t look at my like that, YN.” Kaz grunted, trying to pull himself up. “Don’t look at me like you’re going to die.”

The bruises scattered across his face and the blood that soaked through his shirt were clear as day, but he seemed unphased as he tried to move closer.

You faintly smirked at him, feeling a trickle of blood from the corner of your lip.

“I think only you could look like an angel even when a building exploded around us.”

Kaz saw you smile through the pain, and every effort to be strong he tried to put up was whisked away by the look on your face as his shoulders fell. He could have collapsed back to the floor, letting the sleep take him away, had it not been for the way you smiled at him. Of course, he was in pain too, but it was insurmountable to the pain caused by the sight before him. His heart raced, wondering just how he would manage to drag the two of you out of this as his own limbs grew weary and tired from trying to sit up.

“I think you should get a demo man, Jesper always wanted one.”

Kaz, exhaled, letting out a brief chuckle.

“Why should I when half of your inventions explode anyway? We’ll have plenty more to come.”

There was a tinge of fear to his voice, hidden by the hope that you would make it til morning, and you could hear it; he didn’t want to lose you. He couldn’t let Pekka Rollins take someone else from him, even if it meant waiting until his last breath to take his life.

You rolled your eyes at him, the pain slowly starting to return as you gazed at the ceiling.

You kept your heart beating, your blood flowing, but you tried to pull yourself closer to Kaz only to sink back into the floor with defeat and suddenly, your chest started to rise and fall quicker. This couldn’t be it. You were stronger than this. You had to survive—if not for the Crows, but for him. Perhaps, you were being too hopeful after all.

“Kaz.” you croaked out, looking back at him with the tears threatening to pour out of your eyes.

“YN, we will be okay.” he said, his voice stern as if he could read your mind.

Suddenly, when he was within reach, you clasped his gloved hand and forced as much life into him as you could, watching him become caught off guard as his heart began to race.

“No.” he pleads.

Kaz tried to pull away, but you wouldn’t let him.

“You need to conserve your energy. We need to get out of here before the Stadwatch find us in the middle of this.”

“I’m saving you so you can save the both of us!” you argued, using his hand to pull yourself a little closer, both of you straining to bring yourselves together. But you paused for a moment, trying to catch your breath. “One of us needs to make it out of here tonight and I’m the only one who can make sure of it.”

Kaz finally pulls his hand away, and you watch him fight against everything that brought him down to sit up, leaning his back on the heavy chandelier and the remnants of the ceiling that supported it. He shut his eyes for a moment, and you watch the connection between you break as he becomes overly drained, still thinking desperately of a way out of this. As he sat there, you too fought against the pain coursing through every nerve of your body, the bullets lodged within you taunting your beaten soul as you tried to sit yourself up too. The cracked bones in your wrist made you gasp when you tried to put pressure on it, but you fought through it for one last push as you sat yourself up against the chandelier just a foot away with him.

“I cannot leave here alone. I can’t go back if you’re not with me.” Kaz said slowly, his head turning to you.

Now that you two were closer to each other, you could see just how hurt he was.

You opened your mouth to speak, ready to grasp his hand again, but blood spattered through your lips as you coughed it up.

Black spots danced across your vision, and you slowly start to fall over.

Kaz’s breath hitched, and his arms moved before he could even think to do so, dragging you towards him.

The moment you felt his arms around you, you came back to your senses, looking up at him from where your head lay on his chest.

“Kaz, you don’t—”

“I-I have to.” He says, shuddering slightly.

Kaz’s mind could not seem to push away the suffocating feeling your touch brought, and he found himself looking away, trying to fight off the horrifying memories of the ocean swallowing him whole. 

But he squeezed you tight, all flesh and bone still warm with life, trying to push out the gruesome images of his last memories with Jordie. You were alive in his arms, and he wouldn’t live to see the day you weren’t despite their odds right now.

For so long, you dreamed of the day Kaz could hold your hand, even let his knuckles brush by yours. But you never thought this is how it would go.

“It’s because I’m dying, isn’t it?”

Yes.

Kaz looks down at you, already accepting the defeat of the night, and he is almost too horrified to speak as your eyes seemed calmer now than from the second you finally regained consciousness.

“It’s because—”

He pauses, looking away from you and you hang on to every word.

The only thing he wanted to do was hold you, hating himself for never doing it sooner.

“It’s okay, Kaz.” you smile sadly. “There was going to be a day when I’d watch you all grow old and leave me, but if I don’t make it through this, at least I won’t have to watch that happen.”

There was a million things you could say, a million things you built up for years since the day you saw him. In all that time you never imagined it all coming down to this and you were just so tired, but you wanted to hear him say the words.

“But I want to hear you say it.” You said, your voice growing quiet.

No matter how much you tried to justify letting go, you didn’t want to. Your heart beat for him as you looked up at him and all you wanted to do was hear him say those words.

As your eyelids became heavy, you tried to focus on the way your heart beat alongside his, pressing your hand against his chest so that you could fight for the two of you, but his heart was already racing. You loved the sound of it, remembering every time you would hear it jump the moment you stepped into a room.

“I’m afraid we don’t have enough time for me to hold you and tell you the words you want to hear.”

Kaz was fighting for his life and his urge to finally tell the truth about everything. The way he hated when you’d sit on his desk, play with his jacket when there was a slight hair out of place, and he hated how even now you were fighting to keep both of you alive. But there was the way he loved watching you outwit everyone of the Dregs when they played at the tables, the way he loved when you’d doze off in his office after a long day of working with your tools and so much more he hated himself for only paying attention to now.

“Are you going to make me do everything?” you ask, weakly smiling, hiding your face as your hot tears stained his chest.

You could feel him smile, and you could also feel your energy draining by the second.

“I love you, Kaz. Until my last breath.” you said, fearing this would be your last.

The words were on both of their minds, yet, Kaz couldn’t wrap his head around it and when you said it, his lips parted ever so slightly, staring ahead at the rubble as if that was the biggest shock to come of the night. Those words were foreign to him, they belonged to a shell of who he was and he couldn’t allow himself to accept it. His heart ached though, almost wanting to hear it again from your lips.

But then, when his heart suddenly slowed and he felt your hand leave his chest, Kaz looked down at you in a panic.

“YN…” he whispered urgently.

“I’m here.” you murmured; your eyes closed.

It felt so nice to shut them for a moment.

Kaz looked down at you, everything in him spinning, and he was ready to march you out of here now to get help but even then, as he tried to move, the pain in his body kept him grounded. Sighing in defeat, he smacked his head against the back of the chandelier and rubble he leaned upon, wanting to scream or yell and curse the world for making him so weak. His mind lingered back to the waters, Jordie’s molted and rotten skin at his fingertips, while he kicked back to the harbor swimming against all odds.

“I love you too, YN.” he said, the words cutting through the silence around them.

Deep down, he didn’t want to say the words out loud, knowing they might be the last he says to you. He yearned for more time to love you, to stroke the hair off your face as he did now as the corner of your lips turned upwards. 

It made him forget to breathe as he frantically searched around, wondering if there was a way out.

But the exhaustion was tearing him apart and he looked down at you one last time, the smile off your face as your head rolled slightly. 

It wasn’t long before his eyes closed too.

~

“I found them!” 

The Dregs were scouring the rubble after they heard the explosion from the rendezvous point, Jesper and Inej running back after seeing that the two of you never made it. 

When the pair heard one of the Dregs call out, the pair exchanged a worried look before pushing through the remnants of the mansion. They feared they would find your mangeled bodies waiting for them, but they skidded to a halt when they saw something else entirely.

Jesper’s face fell, as Inej’s hand clamped over her mouth, watching as Rotty checked their pulses, the man’s hands shaking as they checked. 

“They’re still breathing!” Rotty shouted with relief. “Let’s move them out of here, they’re hurt pretty bad.”

But Inej and Jesper could not move just yet, staring with teary eyes from the overwhelming release of the weight on their shoulders. You sat curled up alongside Kaz, his arms wrapped around you, holding so tightly they could have swore he turned to stone. 

There was no time to waste though, and they ran to you and Kaz to drag the two of you out to safety. 

[pluvillion]

“I cull the herd. It’s what I do.” - Jacob Seed; Far Cry 5

first render that i’ll post on Tumblr, and it definitely won’t be the last. as reference to my previous post, i’m gonna start uploading my renders here now (which i should’ve done ages ago). :)

alright so - i'm back with my Far Cry 5 phase so i immediately whipped up a render with Jacob. i made this two days ago, refined it when the internet went out yesterday, and finalized it this morning.

looking back at my previous works, i realized that most of them are taken from the ground-up. i barely have any top-down renders and from the looks of it, this is gonna be one of them if not the first. i must have a certain liking to the ground because i keep planting my camera on them.

now onto the render: i would like to thank Valve for making the pile of dead bodies seen from Left 4 Dead 2 a separate model. as i was visualizing the composition i was mentally preparing myself to figure out how i'll pose the bodies that'll appear in the camera. that thought process was diminished however, after i searched for "bodies" in the SFM model viewer in hopes i get something... lo and behold, there they were.

for Jacob himself, there wasn't anything to comment on him, Ubisoft modelled him very well. though if there's anything special about his character, he's played by the same person who played Lucifer from Supernatural. hehe.

with that said, i'm proud at how this turned out. i made the lighting very similar to how Far Cry 5 did it and for the whole composition, it's inspired by one of the scenes in the game (no spoilers!!!).

-

models:

Jacob Seed: Ubisoft, Teknical, and HeliosAl

Machete: Mask (from The Mask Scenebuild Megapack)

Dead bodies: Valve

map:

C3M4_Plantation: Valve

[moralesispunk]

When the last of the leaves fall

Marcus Pike x Female Reader

Summary: Marcus is scared to fall in love again but he can’t avoid his feelings for you any longer.

Warnings: none, just pure fluff

Word count: 1.2k

part of @autumnleaves1991-blog and @clydesducktape Writer Wednesday

Marcus had fallen into a strict routine since moving to D.C. He had been successfully avoiding, for the most part, falling into the work culture that brought with it after work drinks and invites to birthday nights out. Since his failed engagement, Marcus had decided to use D.C. as an opportunity to focus on himself and his work, avoiding any chance of another heartbreak.

So far, he had politely declined dinner offers from two women in the office, he had stopped wishfully watching couples who roamed the museums hand in hand while they whispered in each other's ears, he switched off any romantic film that popped up on TV. He was doing well evading love whenever it creeped up… until he met you.

You who had a mind that worked a mile a minute and a mouth that moved just as fast when you were excited, who worked in the research department and spoke about art in a way that flooded his chest with a warmth, who also happened to live in the building next to him and seemed to have Marcus figured out when he wasn’t even sure he had.

It quickly became part of his routine to walk with you to and from work every day. It started somewhere between late winter and early spring, he remembers because you told him that your allergies were already starting to act up with the new bloom of flowers.

This morning Marcus left his apartment at 8:03, a few minutes later than usual when he doubled back for a scarf after feeling the crisp autumn chill in the air. You were already waiting at the bottom of his apartment building steps when he opened the door, dramatically lifting your wrist and feigning shock as you looked at your watch, joking that you were just about to call a search party because Mr Pike never runs late. He forced down the real laugh that was swirling in his belly and instead put on a polite one, hoping that if his body faked normality his heart could soon follow.

You rolled your eyes as though you understood what he was doing before bumping your shoulder against his and turning to walk towards the Metro station. The walk was filled with quiet conversations of the weather and how much you were looking forward to examining the most recent piece of art Marcus’s team had seized, neutral topics you had quickly learned Marcus liked to stick to. Marcus chose the burnt orange leaves to focus on as you talked to him, avoiding your loving gaze as you spoke with such excitement that he felt as though he was going to melt onto the sidewalk there and then. 

You stood close together when walking into the station, trying not to get separated by the many bodies flooding in. Marcus pushed his hand deep in his pocket when you stepped onto the escalator, the other gripping tighter around his briefcase handle, anything to stop him from reaching out and letting his hand rest at the bottom of your back.

The platform was already packed by the time you got down and you teased him that you would have been at the front of the platform if he didn’t spend some extra time on his hair this morning. I need a haircut he huffed in response and was already planning to swing by the barbers tomorrow after work when it stayed open late but when you looked up at him with doe eyes and told him that he suited it longer the plan was thrown straight out the window.

The train was packed when you both stepped inside with Marcus’s back to the door. You were facing him as the train accelerated from the station and for just a moment you lost your balance, your hand flying up to his chest with a palm flat against his shirt as you steadied yourself, eyes looking up at him as you let out a whoops, sorry Boss before reaching for the pole he was also holding on to. He had gripped onto your elbow at some time during your trip, his hand falling to his side as you stood properly and he suddenly missed how you felt against him.

His hand slid further down the pole, a lot closer than he had ever dared let it go before. Your hands still weren’t touching, a good inch between them, but he could feel the heat radiating off of your small hands. He forced thought after thought away of how much smaller they would look entwined with his, holding one another tightly and swinging through the air as you walked to work together.

The station you got off at was right beside the FBI building, but you both b-lined for the cafe next to it first as per usual. It was your turn to buy and you ordered his coffee just how he liked it, remembering the extra shot because it was a Monday. When the cup reached his lips it already tasted better than when he ordered it for himself, which he knew wasn’t possible but somehow it did.

And then your morning together was brought to an end when you both went inside and he pressed the elevator buttons for floors seven and twelve. You hopped off at seven and turned to wave him off for the day before the doors closed again and he was trapped five floors away from you for the rest of the day.

It was better like this, he told himself, he couldn’t make excuses to visit you all day and didn’t have to fight off the bubbling feelings he had for you.

By the time Marcus took the elevator down at the end of the work day at 5:30 on the dot you were already waiting on the ground floor, your own briefcase swinging as you leaned against the wall. You pushed your body off to join him as he walked by, already gushing about the beautiful portrait you got to examine for four whole hours, Marcus! Four hours! You spent the whole Metro home looking up at him, your sweet voice filling the carriage as he listened to you talk about the colours, with the perfect mix of the yellows and oranges and light browns, just like the leaves, right Marcus? He couldn’t stop the genuine smile that took over his face as he listened, knowing his dimple on his cheek would be there to prove it. He also couldn’t stop the way he noticed how your smile changed in response, turning softer as you stopped talking for a moment before going on.

He nodded and let you continue as you walked out of the station, forgetting to look away from you and suddenly faced with your wide smile and crinkles at the side of your eyes as you moved onto the composition and how everything was just so perfectly placed while the golden light from the sunset was cast over you.

Marcus knew he was in trouble. He had known it from the moment he met you but he could finally feel himself admit it as you reached your apartment buildings. What didn’t help was that he could see in your eyes that you knew it too, how you let your hand reach up to give his arm a squeeze while saying goodbye before skipping up the steps to your building and waving goodbye. 

When the last of the leaves fall off the trees, that’s when I will tell her, he told himself. Marcus was done letting his past control his future any more.

//

Permanent tag// 

@phoenixhalliwell @asta-lily @hb8301 @princess76179 @sarahjkl82-blog @spideysimpossiblegirl @blackmarketmummy @bison-writes @dihra-vesa @queridopascal @sfr99 @rosiefridayrogersunday @tintinn16 @pilothusband @voteforpedro09  

[pathfinderunlocked]

Cute Erinyes Devil - CR8 Devil

What happened to our innocence? Did it go out of style? Along with our naivete No longer a child

Artwork by Sumi Keichii on Twitter (though this image was only posted to an older, now-deleted blog)

Erinyes are elegant executioner devils that have the appearance of fallen angels with blackened wings.  No less deadly than their sisters with more imposing figures, some Erinyes take a smaller, cuter form, perhaps attempting to make a mockery of innocence in the same way that other Erinyes make a mockery of beauty.

Look, I warned you in the very first post that I ran magical girl adventures, right?  If a monster can be turned into an anime waifu, it will be.

I did use this as an excuse to make the erinyes devil somewhat more interesting to fight.  Its multiple caster levels were unnecessary, and also all weirdly much higher than its HD, so I fixed its caster level to be more typical for Pathfinder.  I suspect that was a relic of the D&D 3e to 3.5e conversion.

Cute Erinyes Devil - CR 8

A powerful sense of wrongness comes from this young-looking devil with a dark childlike appearance, her feet covered in blood.  Wings stained black shear the air as her merciless eyes search for a target.

XP 4,800 LE Small outsider (devil, evil, extraplanar, lawful) Init +6 Senses darkvision 60 ft., see in darkness, true seeing; Perception +16

DEFENSE

AC 24, touch 18, flat-footed 17 (+6 Dex, +1 dodge, +6 natural, +1 size) hp 94 (9d10+45) Fort +11, Ref +12, Will +7 DR 5/good Immune fire, poison Resist acid 10, cold 10 SR 19

OFFENSE

Speed 20 ft., fly 50 ft. (good) Melee +1 greatsword +15/+10 (1d10+7/19–20) Ranged +1 composite longbow +15/+15/+10 (1d6+5/×3) or flaming chain +16 touch (entangle) Spell-Like Abilities (CL 9th; concentration +14)     Constant—true seeing     At will—fear (single target, DC 19), greater teleport (self plus 50 lbs. of objects only), minor image (DC 17), unholy blight (DC 19)     1/day—summon (level 3, 2 bearded devils, 50%)

STATISTICS

Str 18, Dex 23, Con 21, Int 14, Wis 18, Cha 21 Base Atk +9; CMB +12; CMD 29 Feats Combat Reflexes, Dodge, Mobility, Point-Blank Shot, Precise Shot, Rapid Shot, Shot on the Run Skills Acrobatics +18, Bluff +17, Diplomacy +14, Escape Artist +12, Fly +21, Intimidate +17, Knowledge (planes) +8, Knowledge (religion) +8, Perception +16, Sense Motive +10, Stealth +19 Languages Celestial, Common, Draconic, Infernal; telepathy 100 ft. Gear small +1 greatsword, small +1 composite longbow (+4 strength bonus), 50-ft. flaming chain

SPECIAL ABILITIES

Entangle (Su) Each cute erinyes carries a 50-foot-long flaming chain that entangles opponents of any size as an animate rope spell (CL 9th, DC 20).  A cute erinyes can hurl its chain 20 feet with no range penalty.  A creature entangled by this chain takes 2d6 fire damage each round at the start of its turn.  A flying creature entangled by this chain must make a DC 20 Fly check reach round at the start of its turn or fall (DC 30 if it uses wings to fly).

A cute erinyes’s chain functions only for the cute erinyes who made it and no other.  The save DC is Dexterity-based.

Chain has hardness 10 and 5 hit points.  It can be burst with a DC 26 Strength check.

Pinpoint of Hellfire (Su) Five times per day as a swift action, a cute erinyes can create a tiny-sized pinpoint of hellfire that floats in the air, anywhere within 100 feet of itself.  These pinpoints of hellfire last for 1 minute, and wink out of existence if they are ever more than 100 feet from the cute erinyes.

As a free action at the start of each of its turns, a cute erinyes can move each of the pinpoints of hellfire it has created up to 15 feet.  A pinpoint of hellfire that enters or passes through a creature’s space deals 1d3 points of fire damage to that creature, and that creature catches on fire for one round, causing it to take another 1d3 fire damage one round later.  A DC 19 Reflex save negates the fire damage and prevents the target from being set on fire.  A creature can only be damaged by one pinpoint of hellfire per round.  The save DC is Charisma-based.

[defdaily]

JAY B Interview [HYPEBEAST]

From GOT7 to H1GHR MUSIC’s JAY B

On the 11th of May, it was announced that GOT7’s leader JAY B had joined H1GHR MUSIC. Ever since his time in JYPE, Jay B has been taking on the responsibility of writing lyrics and composing songs for albums, even participating as a producer. On Soundcloud, he has released 5 mixtapes under the name Def., showing his ambition as a solo musician in various instances. That’s why the fact that he did not join a KPOP entertainment company but instead joined H1GHR MUSIC is not a particularly surprising thing. However, it’s no lie that this will bring a huge change to his career as an artist. <HYPEBEAST> met with JAY B and had a talk about the reason he decided to move (to H1GHR MUSIC), his new single ‘Switch It Up’, his future activities as well as his ambition.

HYPEBEAST: You’re known for being on “team mint chocolate”. You even left comments about it on <HYPEBEAST>’s instagram page.

JAY B: I like the way the flavour is pungent yet wrapped up in chocolate. I don’t really like plain chocolate. I like it when something is added to it, such as chocolate milk or white chocolate, but when I had mint chocolate for the first time, it was really revolutionary. After that, I’ve been enjoying eating it.

HB: It’s still something that sparks a lot of debate. There are also a lot of products released aimed to spark controversy.

JAY B: There’s something I always say. If I am eating it well and I like it, I just hope that you won’t say things like “why would you eat that?” to me. If you’re enjoying your food and then someone next to you says that sort of thing, you’d lose your appetite, right? Just don’t say that kind of thing to someone who’s eating. Let’s love one another!

HB: Your group, GOT7, left JYP Entertainment after 7 years. How did you feel promoting without a company for the past few months?

JAY B: I feel the same now. It’s more fun. Personally, one of the reasons why I decided to leave JYP was because I wanted to take on more challenges. Maybe it’s because of that but the time I spent as a kind of freelancer felt really new. Even though I won’t be able to know everything about what kind of system I’ll be working in, I got to learn about it roughly and gained a more serious attitude regarding work. I also felt a sense of pride and that it was precious.

HB: Out of the ‘challenges’ you mentioned, your photo exhibition was one of them, right? We heard that you like taking pictures.

JAY B: Even this morning, I saw a pigeon spread only one side of its wings. I’ve never seen that before, so I wanted to take a picture of it, but in a short moment it sensed that I was there and flew away. I’m the kind of person who takes a lot of pictures of those little moments. In that way, I got to hold a photo exhibition too. Honestly, I was embarrassed to do the exhibition. I was just going to try to do it personally as a small thing with the pictures I took myself, but JYPE said “let’s do it even better”, and as we exchanged ideas, the scale got a bit larger.

HB: Is there a particular theme that you like when taking pictures?

JAY B: I’m the kind of person who comes up with (themes) as I take the pictures. As I am taking pictures of something, thoughts like “ah, it would be fun to hold exhibitions with this kind of pictures” come to mind. For my first exhibition, I took pictures revolving around the theme of ‘loneliness’, ‘living alone’, and ‘even if you are living alone, you need someone by your side’. It was mainly involving people/figures, but I actually prefer taking pictures of landscapes or larger compositions.

HB: In the past, you’ve said “I think my next album will be a product that includes the loneliness felt in life”. Is it related to your first photo exhibition <ALONE>?

JAY B: There’s no relation between the two. I wanted to work out all the feelings I had after being under a lot of pressure as I lived my life. Putting aside whether the album is good or not, I think it will be an album where I honestly share what I felt when I felt pressured. I don’t know whether or not it will be released, and if it does, I don’t know in what form it will be released in, but for now I’ve just made the album with this theme. It might sound boring, but it contains a lot of my honest thoughts.

HB: We don’t know when or how, but it will probably be released through H1GHR MUSIC now right? After your contract ended with JYP, you probably received offers from various places, why did you choose H1GHR MUSIC?

JAY B: I’m well aware of the fact that I was protected by the fence called JYP. But as I mentioned previously, I left JYP because I wanted to try and experience something on my own. I also had doubts regarding whether I was an artist who could bring in as much profit as the company wanted. I think that changing my image in order to earn a profit is something that I’ve done a lot in the past. After leaving the company, I received offers from multiple places, and some were really good companies too. However, the most important thing was that it had to be a company that I could exchange opinions and create with. I think H1GHR MUSIC matched up with that the best.

HB: As the field of your promotions change, it will probably come with some concerns as well.

JAY B: I’m the kind of person who worries a lot and is cautious. My own concerns aside, I was really worried about whether H1GHR MUSIC’s image would be damaged because I joined. I thought people might say that an idol joining would muddy the waters* (*ruin the label’s image). No matter if there’s a good or bad reaction, H1GHR MUSIC has already accomplished things, and I would be a new addition. On top of that, I’m not someone who is just starting to make music. I’m making a new image based on the one I already had. Even so, just this once, I wanted to make a decision that was for myself. That’s why I was even more cautious with each and every step.

HB: Is the title of your new single ’Switch It Up’ referring to the changes you are going through?

JAY B: When I came up with the title, I did think that it was possible to give it that sort of meaning. I wanted to express a basic love story while also including the meaning of switching up my life. However, Jay Park hyung gave me some advice, saying that rather than doing that, it might be better for me to naturally blend in what I’ve already been doing. Following that advice, even though the title itself carries the meaning of change, the lyrics are just about love.

HB: How was your first production at H1GHR MUSIC?

JAY B: I had a lot of concerns and was worried. After I made the decision to join H1GHR MUSIC, I told Jay hyung that I wanted to release a song or an album quickly. It just so happened Cha Cha Malone was back in Korea, so we aligned our schedules and produced songs together. Everything happened naturally. Jay hyung said that I shouldn’t go all out from the beginning, and that it’s more important to keep going steadily. I agree with that. I’m satisfied with the result too. I worry a lot so I’m the type to ask around for opinions, but everyone said it was good. But honestly, I’m not sure how the public will react to it. (laughs)

HB: Sokodomo’s feature was really impressive, how did he end up participating in the song?

JAY B: The funny thing is, it really came about naturally too. When I went to the studio, sokodomo was there and he asked if he could stay while we were working on our songs, so we said it was okay. As we worked on songs like that, after I finished up my recording, sokodomo suddenly went into the recording studio. I was wondering “what’s going on?”, but what sokodomo showed us was really good. Turns out, while I was recording, he came up with some ideas and asked if it was okay if he tried it out which I didn’t hear. But what sokodomo came up with was a style that I couldn’t express well. And so right there and then, I cautiously asked if he would be willing to feature in the song, and he agreed without hesitation. That part was so good that I even thought “I can’t be eaten by (overshadowed) sokodomo”. Haha.

HB: In the past, you were a B-boy, and even in GOT7 you received a lot of attention for your dancing. So we were wondering if we would get to see you dance to ’Switch It Up’.

JAY B: You’ll be able to see it through the live clip that will be released at the same time as the single. There are various elements in the live clip. First of all, I tried really hard to make it look cool. I sang live with sokodomo too. I think there’s a lot to see. The dance comes on at the very end. I thought that since I’m a performer, I should dance too. Honestly, at first when I listened to ‘Switch It Up’, I thought it would be kind of hard to dance to it. But even so, I have to dance. Other artists are cool too, but I think Chris Brown is really cool. He dances and sings at the same time really well. Because dance was my beginning, and I gained interest in singing later on and ended up working hard at it, I can’t let go of dance.

HB: Do you have any plans or ideas for the next album you’ll release through H1GHR MUSIC?

JAY B: I think that I have to move quickly. I’ll have to wait and see what I’ll end up with, but for now, I think it’s closer to a chill vibe. ‘Switch It Up’ was chill, but it still had a kind of energy to it. Rather than that, I think it will probably be the kind of music that is suitable to listen to while going for a drive. I want to show music that’s groovier and more sensual as much as possible. But I still don’t know. It’s possible that the company might say “let’s go for pop.” I want to create things together with the company, so I’m open to accommodating their opinions for a couple songs.

HB: You’re also promoting with the name Def. and not Jay B. Why did you come up with the name Def.?

JAY B: Actually, even in the early days of GOT7, I didn’t feel any attachment to the name JB. I felt really strongly that it was a name that someone else came up with. I’m more comfortable with people calling me by my birth name, Jaebeom, too. Of course, I like it now. I wanted to separate Jay B and Def., that’s why they are separated. When I was in JYP, I got permission to release my music on Soundcloud, but I couldn’t release albums separately. So I released all the music that I couldn’t release as JB through Def. For now, I decided I would make music that people could approach more comfortably under the name Jay B, and I would release things that are more to what I want to do through Def. I’m not sure how it will end up in the future though.

HB: Listening to the music under these two names, there is quite a difference. The music you release under the name Def. has more characteristics of the neo soul genre.

JAY B: When I made <1/? Vol. 1>, I liked trap soul, so it contains a lot of that kind of music. After that as well, it mostly is filled with songs that were the style that I liked at the time. If you listen to my mixtape, excluding the intro and outro, there are about 5 songs. While I prepared those songs, I also worked on 15 songs that would be for GOT7 albums at the same time, making about 20 songs at a time. I’d work on GOT7 songs from morning till late night and if I had time, I would then work on my mixtape. That’s why they are songs that I really cherish. People might wonder why I would work so hard, but I thought that as an idol, I have to do my job well so that I can gain autonomy within the company. That’s why I worked hard and pushed myself to my limits.

HB: When will we be able to hear your music as Def.?

JAY B: Firstly, I want to get my name as Jay B out there, and later on I want to use the name Def. again when I can do what I want. Things that are more unusual, alternative, and experimental.

HB: Hearing you talk, we can really feel the love you have for music. You also seem like a realistic person.

JAY B: It’s because I feel that if I stubbornly insist on doing what I want to do and it doesn’t turn out well, I’d get a rough reality check. I’m a cautious person, so if I persist only on what I want and then fail, I’d end up thinking that I just have no aptitude for music, and I thought that is more dangerous. If that happens, I’d feel sorry for the music that I like and I might even think that there was something wrong with the music or genres that I like. People might say that that’s “not real”, but it’s “real” to me. It’s just my way of living.

HB: You’re currently also in the crew ‘ØFFSHORE.’ What kind of crew is it?

JAY B: It’s a place where people who sell songs commercially and people who make their own music gather. It started with the purpose of people with the same interests making fun music together and releasing it. Offshore has the meaning of “shore/coast”. On the shore, there are lots of living things. There are times when the waves crash but also times when it’s calm. Just like my Def. character, I think it’s a place where I can freely include things I’ve never done before. It will carry on in the future too, but we won’t have any eye-catching activities. We’ll just go on calmly.

HB: As you share your stories, we’re getting curious about Jay B as a producer too. Will we be able to hear songs that you produce for other artists someday?

JAY B: When I was in JYP, I’ve sent out songs that the publisher said would not work for GOT7. There were also songs that were selected by other people but could not be used because of my name. Now, I don’t think there will be those sorts of limitations, so I want to try producing for other people too. I don’t have confidence in being responsible for someone or nurturing trainees, though. I’m still busy trying to feed myself. But even so, I’d like to try to produce just one song for someone else. I would have a sort of image about someone, right? An image that they themselves wouldn’t even know. I think the process of trying to bring that out would be fun. Of course, I’m focused on my music now, but it would be nice if I got the chance someday.

HB: Another GOT7 member, Yugyeom, joined AOMG. Fans can’t help but look forward to the reunion of your unit ‘Jus2’.

JAY B: Since Yugyeom is in AOMG, I think that if we talk to Jay hyung, it’s possible that we will release something as Jus2. Jus2 and JJ Project both include Jay B, but they are also units that are part of GOT7. I think that if we work hard at promoting them too, fans would feel a sense of security. I think that from now on is the time when both I, as well as GOT7, have to really do well.

HB: You mentioned that you wanted to release 1 GOT7 album a year.

JAY B: I don’t know whether it will work out, but we have to try and plan for it. I’ve mentioned multiple times that GOT7 has not disbanded. I believe that I should keep my word. Right now, everyone is actually busy working on their own things. Even so, we want to try and make one song for GOT7 a month, so that we can promote about once a year.

HB: You have a strong image as a great leader and hyung in GOT7. What would you like to show as JAY B in H1GHR MUSIC?

JAY B: I would like to hear people say “ah, I guess they did a good job bringing him in”. I hope that when people listen to ’Switch It Up’, they won’t think that “Jay Park made the wrong choice this time”. I think it would be nice if people thought that I was worth anticipating. Not that they brought in some strange kid. I don’t want to get cursed at. Haha.

HB: Do you have a final goal you want to achieve as an artist?

JAY B: I don’t. I just want to keep on steadily and quietly making music. To me, saying that you want to receive some sort of reward or that you want to become something is quite vague. I just hope that I can gain the drive to keep going on steadily and continue that cycle of creation. That’s all.

Translation by @mindellay x @defdaily

May contain slight inaccuracies.