#IT MAKES ME FEEL SO SPARKLY IN MY BRAIN SPACE

[blushcoloreddreams]

5 things to clean everyday

Good morning and happy Thursday everyone! I

So today let’s talk cleaning. Don't forget to turn up the music, a podcast, audiobook (my favorite) or to cart your Netflix around with you to each room because it is officially CLEANING TIME.

Yeah baby!

Everyone already knows about the importance of making their beds in the morning but let’s talk about the 5 areas you should clean ABOVE ALL ELSE. If you have no energy at the end of the day, at least take time to do these 5 areas. 5 minutes each, 25 minutes total. Totally worth it.

1. Sinks

Keep your bathroom sinks white and sparkly. Remove the hair, remove the nasty yellow staines and just keep them CLEAN. In your kitchen, empty the sink every night from dishes and pieces of gunky Food. Noncluttter allowed here. Disinfect disinfect disinfect. Dirty sinks cause stress and anger. I am SO not here for it.

Use a cleaner with disinfectant, a castor oil, vinegar, or a heavier all purpose cleaner and spray out that sink! I put the sink to bed every night. It helps me feel so peaceful.

2. The Floors

I’m not really referencing a daily vacuum sesion here. Sure, sweep your kitchen and vacuum your living room every day if you feel so inclined, but today I'm talking CLUTTER. Keep your floor clean of clutter. Pick up the clothes on the bedroom floor, pick up the towels off the bathroom floor, and for the love of all that is good, put the shoes away and don't let them cluster around the front door.

A cluttered red floor full of random items, toys for those with kids , and dirty clothes will definitely add stress to your life. Put on your favorite jam, turn up the volume, and do a quick cleaning sweep. It’s like when we were in kindergarten and we had to sing the ”Clean-Up Song“ and by the end of the song, we had to be done!

3. Clutter piles

Oh the elusive clutter pile. Papers, mail, weird documents, thank you cards, and random things to recycle and Specially "transient-clutter." You know, the type of clutter that builds because every single thing in that pile needs to go to a different home?

Well these clutter piles only breed if we allow ourselves to add to them everyday. Clutter piles MUST be dealt with. They are bad for the brain. Have an inbox/outbox style folder in your kitchen if you must, but I urge you to not use counter space as your personal file folder. Everyday, go through the paper clutter building on your counter: file, recycle, or burn. Your brain will thank you.

4. Your Bedroom

Keep your bedroom a place of zen and peace. It is for sleeping, romantic times, and cuddly times. You do not want to be looking over at a pile of mushy clothes, or a random suitcase when you are trying to relax. Keep your bedroom as a sacred place in the house: no mess enters, no mess leaves. Never use your bedroom as a psuedyo storage room. Keep it special to you or you and your spouse. Remember that bedrooms are supposed to cradle us off to sleep, and should therefore be peaceful.

I take time every single day to tidy the bedroom floors, make sure the furniture is clear of clutter, and to make my bed and make sure my sheets feel fresh. Never unerestimate the power of a clean bedroom combined with your sleep. It’s magical.

5. Your Stovetop

Finally, I encourage you to clean you STOVETOP every dang day. If you follow me on Instagram, you will see me scrubbing that baby on the regular. The stovetop is another "saced" place to me. It is where I spend at least 1-2 hours of my day, and it is a place where I want to enjoy my cooking experience, pop up a YouTube video next to me, or even sip a glass of red wine. I cannot do those things in peace while I'm staring down at crusty egg bits and nasty juices.

Use a cleaner specific to your type of stovetop. I use a glass stovetop cleaner, but if you have a gas stovetop, take time to soak the grates in dish soap and vinegar to remove grease. Clean that stovetop everyday and your sanity will return. I promise.

There you have it friends! Extra ranting about cleaning to hopefully motivate you. There is no reason for us to be cluttered if we do a little every day. Take 5 minutes a day on each of these areas, and you will see an ENORMOUS difference in your life. 5 Minutes for each area, 25 minutes a day, and a lifetime of internal zen, peace, and joy.

Have a fabulously clean weekend friends. No clutter piles

[aoi1dee]

OLNF Week Day 4: Stargazing

@olnfweek2024 a short fic is below...

Alexander didn’t know how late it was nor did he care. He is currently rummaging through the closet near the kitchen hoping that he could find the perfect blanket to lay down on without feeling the blades of grass underneath him. He didn’t want to feel uncomfortable tonight. His main focus tonight should be the gorgeous sky. 

Alex would never miss an opportunity like this. Ever since he moved here, he has noticed that Golden Grove has the best nighttime sky he has ever seen and luckily his backyard has an open space with no trees so it gives him the perfect view. He loves stargazing, whether it’s by himself, with his friends, or with his Ma. Just imagining what the world was like from beyond what he knew fascinated him. Tonight was the perfect night as well! No clouds, no rain, not too hot, not too cold, absolutely stunning. 

The only issue was, Alex had to get up super early for school tomorrow. Seriously, who thought it was a good idea to make high schoolers get up at 5 in the morning for school?! It is crazy to him that some people even get up earlier than 5… 

When he finally sees the blanket that he’s been dreaming of, he grabs the ends and begins to pull. It wasn’t budging. He would love to just continue to fight against it until it gave up, but then everything else in the closet which was holding it down will fall onto the ground and make tons of noise. He didn’t want to wake his Ma up… she also had stuff to do tomorrow. Plus she would force him to go back to bed if she saw him grabbing stuff to go outside at 11 at night. So instead of just tugging and pulling, he grabs some of the stuff on top of the blanket and pushes it out of the way while his other hand continues to pull at the blanket. And after about a minute of adjusting, moving everything around, and praying that nothing would fall, the blanket was finally in his arms and ready to be laid upon. 

A grin finds Alex’s face as he walks out the back door with the blanket in hand. He moves past some branches and finally makes it to the treeless paradise for stargazing. Alexander begins to unfold the blanket until his phone buzzes. 

A little voice in his brain was praying that it wasn’t his Ma telling him to come back inside and go to bed. He quickly lays the blanket out on the golden grass, sits on it, and pulls out his phone to read the notification…

Tamarack 11:12pm - I saw you out my window, what are you doing? 

Oh, it was Tamarack! He couldn’t help but giggle as he lays fully down onto the blanket,

Alex 11:13pm - The sky is super pretty tonight ima watch it!

Alex 11:13pm - Do you wanna join me? 

He wasn’t expecting her to, I mean it was late at night and they had school tomorrow! Plus it might not be cold for him, but it could be cold for her. 

Tamarack 11:14pm - Yes. I’ll be out in a second.

Seriously? Alex is surprised that Ms. Tamarack Baumann wants to go outside late without her Omi and Opa knowing. If this was 3 years ago, she’d be having a heart attack. But that made him think, should he invite Qiu as well? Is that even a question? He closes Tamarack’s contact and opens up Qiu’s which was right under hers. 

Alex 11:15pm - I’m in my backyard watching the sky do u wanna join me?

Before he could even start waiting for them to respond, someone plops down next to him. 

“Hi Alex.” Tamarack says as she lays her sparkly hair all around her. Her arm snakes around his as she cuddles up next to him, “I should’ve assumed that you’d be stargazing when I saw you walking out.” She chuckles. Them snuggling has become a normal thing ever since they admitted that they had feelings for each other about a year ago but it still doesn’t fail to make Alex feel all warm inside. 

“I couldn’t resist…” he places his phone on his chest and looks up at the night sky. Her hair sparkles beside him just like the stars that he adores. Which fits because Alexander adores her as well. 

“Did you invite Qiu?” She asks while looking at his phone. 

“Ah- I texted them. I don’t think I have gotten a response though” They were probably sleeping by now, it’s completely understandable. Qiu needs their beauty sleep. 

Suddenly, something slaps him in the face. He moves his hands around to find the source of the impact. When he removes the item it's a… chip bag? “Hey.” They smirk from above, “Thought we could use snacks.” They scoot into the other side of Alex and sneaks their arm underneath his back while leaning their head against his. Snuggling is also usual for them too because they had also admitted their feelings for each other. They know that he likes them both and they both know that they like him. They aren’t dating though… Qiu and Tam had explained to him that they wanted to work a couple things out before it became official. Alex had also explained to them that he could wait eternities for them so they could take as much time as they needed. He still doesn’t know why they both squeezed him until he couldn’t breath right after he said that though.

Tamarack grabs the chips from Alex’s hand and begins to open them, “Thanks!” She begins munching on them with a pleased smile on her face, “Ah-” She shoots up quickly and looks down at Qiu. 

They look back at her looking more confused than ever but it hits them, “Oh! I’m not wearing nail polish.” 

Alex sits slightly up and looks at them, “Is that on purpose?” What Qiu prefers to go by at any moment is extremely important, he doesn’t want to mess it up and make them uncomfortable. 

“Yes sir.” He twiddles his nails in front of both of their faces, “he/him pleaseeee” Alex laughs in response as Tamarack lays back down, smiling wider than before.

Tamarack places the bag onto Alex’s chest once again so all three of them could reach for it. She goes back snuggling up against him the way she did before. All of them look towards the sky which twinkles brightly through the dark sky. Different shades of cyan hide behind said stars giving a bit of definition and purpose to the night. That's what Alex really loves about this town. In any other city he’s lived in before, the sky always looked the same. But here, it's magnificent. And he is absolutely going to blame his two neighbors for making everything here so beautiful. It’s like they make Alex’s life more wonderful by just cuddling up next to him.

Even though it’s a school night and tonight is going to end much earlier than he wants because of that, he still wouldn’t want anything different than to be with the two loves of his life watching the sky above. Alexander hoped that he could stay with them like this for the rest of their lives.

(this one is a little short my apologies)

[lucybellwood]

A note for you, if you're feeling overwhelmed.

Your brain may not work like my brain, but the thing that enabled me to make donations to families fleeing Rafa and support a new community garden in my neighborhood and call my senators and representatives about vaccine access and Long COVID research funding this morning wasn't scrolling frantically across the internet. It was

sitting quietly with a cup of tea and taking deep breaths for five minutes.

That's it.

I often tell myself that urgency is the fuel of action, but the truth (for me) is that it's usually the fuel of panic. Panic rarely leads to action that's aligned with my values. I spin out and procrastinate and try doing things that feel "good" while knowing they don't actually feed the part of me that knows what's right.

If you are feeling overwhelmed by urgency today,

stop.

I know it is energizing and sparkly to be here and your brain is fizzing and there's so much to take in and there's a funny photo of a cat and people are dying and you want to help everyone and also post about something weird your friend said.

Give yourself a moment to step away from the computer or your phone. See if you can write down (with your hands! on paper! messily!) the thoughts and causes that are swirling around you. Make them physical. Look over your collection of Things and consider how they align with what you care about. Acknowledge that some of them are scarier than others, but that the scary, charged ones are the ones that will probably bring you the most relief.

Allow yourself to do one (1) thing.

If you feel the urge to keep going, pick another, but remember that just making time and space to focus on one action, from beginning to completion, is a huge accomplishment and a gift to the people you care about (including yourself).

You can do it.

[starburstfloat]

Let's Talk Innuendos and Queer Subtext: TXT's Poppin' Star Lyrics Analysis

One of the joys of making progress in my Korean language journey has been the ability to analyze lyrics more critically by dissecting tone, word choice, or rhyme schemes that would have otherwise slipped by me a few years ago. And as someone who has a deep love for literary analysis and kpop, there's an unparalleled joy in getting to bridge the two together. I'm happy I have this space to do that. So without further ado, let's take a look at TXT's Poppin' Star from their first full-length album, The Dream Chapter: Magic (thank you nika for requesting this!).

This song feels like a sonic representation of this memefied image:

It's literally bubblegum pop at its finest. It sounds sparkly, cute, uplifting, and deceptively adorable, and anyone who has seen the choreography can attest to watching the video with a ridiculous smile on their face.

I could give high praise endlessly about this underrated early TXT Bside, but I wanted to prioritize the lyrics for this post! We're going to talk about the superficial meaning of the song before we dissect some of the more suggestive, metaphorical elements. Heads up I'll be mentioning sexual innuendos, so if that's not your cup of tea then please kindly leave.

My goal is to get you to see that, at the very least, this song is not just about eating candy. Whether or not we agree on the queer subtext is another debate, but I'm hoping this analysis post can be a lesson on interpreting figurative language and grasping inneundos.

Whenever I do analysis, I always start with the surface level face-value of what's being presented, and then I try to peel the layers and discern the underlying themes or suggested connotations based on context clues. Usually I leave out the initial face-value in my posts because it's something so obvious that it feels contradictory to present it. But it feels relevant to include for Poppin' Star. So what is the face-value meaning of the song when we look at the lyrics as a whole?

On the surface, this song appears to be about a young male protagonist who experiences a burst of emotions - dizzying warmth, sweetness, and a clouded brain - after he eats a variety of flavored candies. He states that he is not satisfied with the burst of flavor he's experiencing - now that he knows this intense feeling, he's craving more.

cr. color coded lyrics (though I'm cross referencing multiple translations and using my own knowledge of individual words and tonal conjugations to understand the song)

It doesn't take much of an analytical eye to catch the innuendo presented in Poppin' Star. What exactly is an innuendo? An innuendo is an allusive hint to something typically sexual. The keyword here is hint - it's something you pick up on based on subtly provocative language. Critics could argue that "your brain must be in the gutter" if you find sexual context where there is supposedly none. I'd say blaming the observer for a sexual interpretation is disrespectful to the art in question. Inneundos are meant to be spotted and discussed - they have the potential to heighten the art and unveil a greater message. Just because something is sexual does not mean it is bad.

Now that we have that cleared, it's pertinent to reflect on the surface value of the lyrics in contrast to the glaring inneundo jumping out at the audience. Let's look at the opening lyrics together:

One look at the lyrics, and you'll raise your eyebrows and go, "Really? You sampled a mouthful of candy and can't stop talking about how you're tingling all over, feel dizzy, and are melting from the sweetness?" The song's lyrics and language is quite figurative: the audience is guided to see beyond the literal meaning.

If we break down the individual feelings our protagonist shares, it sounds reminiscient of a first kiss or sexual experience. Considering how strongly the lyrics center on oral pleasure (oral as in the literal sense of the mouth), the rightfully assummed metaphor here is kissing. Let's look at all the instances where the song connects pleasure to the mouth:

별가루 가득 물면 느껴지는 불꽃놀이일까? / (Is this) fireworks that I feel when I bite a whole mouthful of stardust?

입 안을 채운 콕콕 따끔한 이 느낌은 또 / This tingling feeling that has filled my mouth

혀끝에 건전지 / A battery at the tip of my tongue

Our protagonist talks extensively about the pleasure in his mouth in correlation to feeling dizzy, warm, fuzzy, electrified, and excited - all feelings heavily associated with heightened sexual experiences, and notably kissing.

A striking detail is the fact that our protagonist is not alone during the story - he's actively talking to another person, meaning he's not literally eating candy by himself and getting an explosive sugar rush as the superficial interpretation insinuates. We notice this from the opening line which calls to a direct "you":

짜릿한 정전기 you’re popping star / Electrifying static, you're popping star.

Not only is this a reference to the title, making it an important detail to note, but it's also inviting the audience into acknowledging the relevant prescence of another character, some unnamed you. He goes on to say:

머리가 띵하게 기분 좋은 my love / Making my head feel dizzy, that good feeling, my love

He's directly saying "my love," so this person is clearly special to him. This person is his popping star - someone who evokes all of these explosive, tingling feelings.

The chorus is riddled with suggestive language: "This isn't enough / I need something stronger / A chew full of lemon, lime, orange, yeah / I need more, more, more / A stronger popping / A chew full of lemon, lime, orange, yeah"

Our protagonist is craving more flavor as he seeks a pleasure high. My interpretation is that the other character is wearing flavored chaptstick, perhaps fruit-flavored or candy-flavored, and our protagonist wants to taste more of the character's lips. Another interpretation is that they're both chewing on flavored gum, and when they kiss, the flavors blend together in a satisfying burst. Both feel plausible to me. The chorus suggests a kiss through the explosive repetition of surprised "oh's" that the members sing. It's hard to explain without hearing it, so skip to 0:48 in the song to catch what I mean. The explosive instrumental paired with the high-pitched oh's feels representative of an epiphany, or at least a heightened emotional state.

Perhaps one of the most glaringly suggestive parts of the song is Beomgyu's line after the first chorus, where he says:

잠깐 쉬어갈 땐 slime vacation / When (I) take a short break, slime vacation

This implies he's taking a break from exchanging slime, or saliva, with the aforementioned "you". Keep in mind that Korean sentences don't always need an explicit subject, so it's unclear whether Beomgyu is saying "When I take a short break" or "When we take a short break". However, later in the song, during a critical moment that I'll get to shortly, Yeonjun explicitly mentions the pronoun 우리 (we/us) which means we can assume this whole candy-tasting fiasco is, at the very least, a pleasure-seeking high that our protagonist is doing with someone by his side.

The kissing metaphor is more strongly suggested when Taehyun says:

어제 했던 건 벌써 지루해 / The things that (I did/were done) yesterday are already boring

더 더 더 강한 popping이 필요해 / I need a stronger popping

which tells me the song is self-aware enough to recognize it's not just about eating candy. Why would yesterday's candy be described as "the things that were done yesterday"? I also find it interesting that he's using the verb 지루하다 instead of 심심하다 when mentioning boredom. Both of these verbs mean "to be bored", but 심심하다 refers to boredom through a lack of action, whereas 지루하다 has the connotation of being bored by something because you've been doing it for a prolonged time; as in, you're getting physically tired of it. So, Taehyun is saying that the stuff he did yesterday has become repetitive and tiring, and he's now seeking a stronger high. Very suggestive language.

There's a line from Heuningkai that really stands out towards the latter half of the song. He goes:

가끔은 조금 위험해도 돼 / Sometimes it can be a little dangerous

엄마 몰래 자물쇠를 열어봐 / Open the lock without my mom knowing

The conjugation here is very interesting!! He uses the 아/어도 되다 pattern at the end of the adjective for "dangerous", which is a conjugation used to give permission for something. So, rather than him stating the fact that it's dangerous, he's giving permission to the speaker to be a little dangerous. It's a subtle nod at him approving risky behavior, so perhaps a better translation would be "it's alright if sometimes it's a bit dangerous".

"Open the lock" reminds me of Soobin's verse in Sugar Rush Ride:

, which I interpret as a more blatantly sexual inneundo for losing one's virginity. I don't think Poppin Star implies more than kissing, but asking someone to open your lock without your mom knowing, and engaging in risky behavior, appears symbolic to doing something you wouldn't want your mom to see, so at the very least it's suggestive language.

This interpretation aligns with the direct album overview provided by Bighit, which states that "The Dream Chapter: MAGIC tells the story of 'magical adventures' that boys encounter together with their friends [...] the boys share their transformation, confusion and exploding emotions that arise during their transition to adolescence." Notice that the official statement itself says that the album centers on a boy and his friends as they transition into adolescence. Interesting.

I'd be happy to leave the analysis there and say, "See? The song is clearly an innuendo", but then the writers toss in the gayest shit during the last third of the song that forces the audience to pause and reinterpret.

Yeonjun and Taehyun sing the following lines:

이건 어쩌면 나라에서 허락한 / Maybe this is something that the country has allowed

우리끼리만 숨겨둔 유일한 / Something we have kept hidden just among us

자 아무에게나 허락된 게 아냐 / Alright, it's not allowed to just anyone

입안 가득 터뜨려 / Burst a mouthful

The verb used here is 허락하다 which means to allow, permit, or approve. Talking about what your country allows in connotation to something you've kept hidden among the two of you…feels queer-coded. Especially when the rest of the song has been dedicated to pursuing a thrill from "my love", a pursuit which they acknowledge is intimately private given the line "without my mom knowing". Why bring up what's allowed in your country in a song that centers on a boy seeking pleasure? The last line is odd too - it's conjugated as a command, so our protagonist is telling us, the audience, that we should pop a mouthful of the candy too. In connection to the line above it, it's implied that he knows popping the candy aka kissing his love is not allowed for everyone, but he's encouraging others to try. Adding to the intrigue is the fact that they repeat the last two lines again, but change the command to 입안 가득 터뜨려 봐 which is a less forceful command and more like "Give it a try".

If the song truly were just about candy, talking about what your country allows and who is allowed to do it feels very out of place and strange. This, paired with the striking fixation on oral pleasure makes me believe the song is about a boy kissing his friend, and it's been a fun, exciting little secret between the two of them.

It doesn't feel like an exaggeration to find queer subtext here. If you're an avid TXT fan, you'll know their songs are very queer-coded, from 0x1=lovesong having the most blatant thematic connection (I still regularly think about Soobin's "I can't go to heaven, I don't belong there" line) alongside Sugar Rush Ride, which suggests we "swallow the sugar rush"....sir, swallow what exactly??!

I hope this could spark your interest and see the lyrics from a new perspective. Sorry not sorry if this burst your innocent perception of the song...like I said, it sounds deceptively adorable 😂 let me know your thoughts and thanks for reading!

[maxverstappensflatbrim]

Show Me Yours | Matty Healy [38]

chapter thirty-eight, act five: the ballad of me and my brain

masterlist

June 3rd 2017

The little sparkly silver birthday hat sits crooked on Tommie’s head, her freshly cut short hair in a mess and her bangs are fluffed out of control. There’s silver sparkles on her forehead, catching the light alongside the beads of sweat on her forehead.

She’s wearing her beat up skeleton cowboy boots, a pair of shorts and a new sparkly waistcoat George got her for her birthday. 

Her cheeks are flushed but her tipsy smile drops when the door finally swings open, “Matt?”

“Finally!” He complains, pushing his way into the house Adam had rented in Ohio for her birthday, where her surprise birthday party was being held, “Where’s Adam?”

“Um, kitchen, I think….”

He nods, not saying much else, her eyes focus on the burnt out joint he’d dropped and she steps on it quickly before following him inside.

“You’re late.” Carly says, back of her hand hitting Matty’s shoulder as he grabs a glass to fill it with water, tipping it all down himself as he starts downing it. His white 

“Late to what,” He looks around leaning against the kitchen counter, “Why’s there so many people in the house right now?”

Carly steps back, then she reaches forward, hand grasping his chin as she opens up his eyes, “Are you high right now?”

“Just on weed.”

She shakes her head and pushes him to the side, “Are you serious?”

“It’s just weed, Carly, calm down. Where’s Adam?”

“Upstairs, I think, getting Tommie’s bir-”

“Great, cheers.” He says before heading for the stairs, almost hitting Tommie over as he passes her.

She leans back so he can pass, brows raised as she meets Carly in the kitchen, “What’s he doing here?”

She crosses her arms and looks back at the door as Carly sighs slowly, “He was supposed to be here hours ago.”

Her head snaps to Carly, her hat falling off her head, being caught by the string which makes it hand around her neck, “You invited him?”

Carly reaches out to fix the hat, brushing her bangs down and then fixing her hair, “Adam invited him. Like two weeks ago ‘cause he was moping around.”

Tommie picks at the skin on her fingernails and sighs, she leans back against the counter with her arms crossed, staring into space and hoping Matty will stay away from her.

The past few months since the Brits have been hell, touring around but feeling completely alone. Of course she had the guys, but only Ross knew what had happened that night, and even he didn’t know everything.

Caleb has stayed away, they’ve been in the same room maybe once since it happened, Gabby had come to tour but she and Matty had gotten hotel rooms and travelled separately leaving the others on the bus.

That’s when Tommie felt like she could breathe again, one less person made the metal container much more bearable to be in.

And now, on this night dedicated to her- something she would’ve hated four years ago if it wasn’t for Matty building up her birthday tolerance- she’d felt the happiest she’d been in months, maybe even years.

With Carly following her around with extra drinks and Adam giving her a slice of pizza every time her hand was empty.

Even Button had been making her feel special by cleaning up her own toys (she didn’t want any of the strangers to steal them so she hid them in different places around the house).

There’s not too many people here, the band and their girlfriends, Jamie and his missus, Denise and Louis had flown over too, some tour helpers and a few other people. Phoebe had sent about ten thousand messages apologising that she couldn’t make it after receiving an invite from Adam.

There’s no Caleb, no Gabby. And until now there had been no Matty.

She sips from her drink again and Carly leans forward to adjust the party hat on her head when it starts slipping again, “Just ignore him, he’s come to see Adam, will probably leave after that.”

She nods with a quiet sigh but quickly smiles when Rome calls her over to ask about one of the presents she’d received. 

It’s much later when Matty returns, she hadn’t even realised he’d come back downstairs but a loud racket from the kitchen only she seems to hear has her coming face to face with him.

There’s around three or four smashed glasses on the floor, Matty’s left hand is cut to pieces but he doesn’t seem to mind as he continues to fix himself a drink.

“Matt?”

He looks up, eyes squinting as he leans towards her to see who it is better, “Oh, hey.”

“Oh, hey?”

“Hello, Thomas, such a fine night tisn’t it?”

She rolls her eyes at his sarcasm and leaves the kitchen to head for the bathroom upstairs where Adam had made very clear to everyone is the place he’d stored the first aid kit that they usually keep tucked away on the bus. He’d made the purchase a few shows back when George had cut his finger when trying to make dinner as the bus was moving.

When she returns he’s sipping from the glass and she shakes her head asking him to come with her, “Why?”

“Just… please?”

That’s all it takes, he’s following her into the quiet hallway, and down the little steps out to the porch.

He has many things on the tip of his tongue ready to say but keeps his mouth shut when she forces him to sit.

She sits beside him and wipes the blood from his palm carefully, he winces, the pain sobering him up as he takes his hand away from her.

“I need to get the glass out.”

“How’d that happen?” His brows are furrowed and he’s leaning against her to stay upright.

“I don’t know.”

He winces again and she pulls his hand a little more harshly, “Stop babying me.”

“Stop being a baby.”

He huffs and she holds his hand up when it’s all cleaned up, “I told Gabby I wouldn’t talk to you.”

“Gabby doesn’t want you to talk to me?”

“No, Gabby said we’re bandmates and we have to talk to work well. But I don’t want to talk to you.”

She slides away a little, turning her head to look forward, “Does Caleb let you speak to me?”

“I haven’t spoken to Caleb in four months.”

“You broke up?”

“No.”

“What happened?”

She sighs and shakes her head at him, “You’re all cleaned up, can go finish your drink now.”

“What happened?”

She just looks at him, the party hat crooked and tears in her eyes catching the light reaching them from the kitchen window, reflecting the sparkles on her hat, “Oh…”

She nods as he suddenly realises, but he stands and heads for the door, but she can’t help it. Can’t help asking, reaching out.

“Why, Matt? Why’d you have to ruin it for me?”

“You were miserable.” He shrugs.

“Did you think it would make me happy?” She scoffs, “This life I have now. I’m in some kind of- of limbo with my relationship. With Gabby, with you.”

He shrugs and scuffs his shoes against the pavement, “Exactly, you don’t think Matty, only think about yourself.”

“That’s not true-”

“Not true? Look what’s happened, you’re still with Gabby, still got the guys cause they don’t know what’s happened, you’re fine. I lost my boyfriend, my best friend, Gabby…”

He shrugs again and she shakes her head one of the tears finally falling, “I’m sorry.” He decides to say, not looking at her, he can’t look at her.

“For what?”

“That you’re in love with me.”

She raises a brow, but then they furrow. And if he’d just look at her he’d see that face he hates seeing. The one that shows her confusion and sadness at the same time, the one that has tears in her eyes and a frown on her lips. 

“Cause I’m not in love with you.” He tells her. “I can’t be in love with you now.” He clarifies.

She finds herself holding her breath as he stands, “Why not?”

“I- I can’t.”

She stands in front of him now, party hat long forgotten as she rips it from her head and clutches it in one hand. Giving her something to hold onto, something to hold her back. “Am I that bad? What’s wrong with me, Matty? What’s so wrong with me you can get it up but you can’t fall in love?”

He opens his mouth and then closes it.

It’s not that he’s not in love with her, it’s that he won’t let himself be in love with her.

Of course he’s in love with her, he always has been. But he’ll ruin her, he doesn’t want to ruin her. He wants to get it right, to be sober and love her every second, to spoil her and wake her up with a smile on her face. To have Allen and Button run around together in a garden of their own house, a house they’ll buy and move into together.

But they can’t have that.

He can’t give her the life he wants her to have, he knows Caleb won’t either, which is why he worked so hard to split them up. He’ll agree he went about it all wrong but he just wants her to find someone good, who can give her everything he wants to give her and more.

But at the same time he doesn’t want her to find that if it’s not with him. It’s why he worked so hard to sabotage her and Caleb’s relationship.

“Go back to the stupid party,” He tells her, “Find another friend of Adam’s to fall in love with.”

She stands, speaking before he disappears down the pathway, “Do you know what this stupid party’s for, Matt?”

He shrugs, kicking at the floor which causes him to lose his balance for a few seconds. He stumbles, and she clutches the party hat even tighter not to reach out and steady him. 

She’s tired of being the one to steady him. 

“It’s my birthday.”

He stays silent, still not looking at her, “Twenty-three today.”

Still he says nothing, so she goes on to fill the silence. It’s never silent between them. Usually it’s filled with their shared laughter, or calm breaths or skipped beats of the heart.

“You know, coincidentally, that’s the age you were when everything between us started going to shit.”

“Tom-”

“It’s the truth, we haven’t been us, Matty and Tommie, for a very long time. And- I’m tired of trying for us to be that way.”

“We’re fine, perfect….”

“We haven’t talked since February, Matt. We’ve been on tour for almost five months now, and haven't said a word to each other…”

“I fucked up, I know that-”

“Yeah, you did. We both did.” She admits, “But I can’t-” She shakes her head, “I don't like feeling this way.”

“I’m sorry, I’ll try harder-”

“That’s not what I’m saying, Ma-”

“Then what are you saying? I never know what you’re trying to say. So just say it. Outright, fucking say it.”

“I hate that I’m in love with you.”

The door behind them opens, Adam pops his head out, “More pizza’s here.”

She keeps staring at Matty, he looks back up at her, Adam doesn’t move.

“Happy Birthday, Baby.” He says simply.

She nods, watching him turn, hands shoved in his jacket pocket as he heads out into the street, head ducked to protect himself from the rain and disappears from their view.

She tosses the hat away from her and sits on the steps of the house, arms wrapped around herself as she watches the hat get washed away down the street in the rain.

Adam sighs, “Come on inside, it’s raining.”

She shakes her head, lighting a cigarette from in the pocket of her shorts and staring out into the street, “What’s going on?” Adam asks after he’s sat beside her on the greying steps.

She shakes her head but he nudges her, “Come on, put that big smile back on your face. I’ve missed it.”

“I’m lonely,” She says, arms wrapped around herself, a fresh cigarette in her mouth. Adam looks at the ashtray beside her, there’s fourteen cigarettes in there, and he hopes to God that it hasn’t been cleaned out for a few days. But they’ve only been here for a day, he hopes there’s a few other smokers here, but she and George are the only two that he's seen disappeared for a smoke tonight. 

“I can’t sleep.” She says again, taking a deeper drag,  “I think I’m depressed,” She tells him, “Or Autistic.”

“Oh, you’re definitely Autistic.” Adam says and she cracks a little smile as she looks down. “You can be both. Have you… talked to anyone about it?”

She shrugs, “Like who? Caleb?” She scoffs, “Haven't seen him since February, he’s avoiding me.”

“Why?”

“Cause he knows I’m going to break up with him,” She sighs, “Matty was right…”

“Wow, never thought I’d hear you of all people admit to Matthew Healy being right.”

She chuckles, but it turns into a weird strangled sob as her entire face contorts and she starts crying, leaning her head onto Adam’s shoulder.

“I hate him.” Adam’s not sure who she’s talking about, Matty or Caleb at this point.

“He- I hate him. Can’t stand him. He makes me hate myself… and he’s so… so American-” Caleb then, “And condescending, he has to correct the way I talk and makes me feel stupid around his friends, and I…”

“Break up with him then.”

“I can’t do it over the phone-”

“Email?”

She chuckles again, rubbing at her nose harshly, “I can’t do that. It would break me if it happened to me-”

“He knows that, that’s why he’s avoiding you.”

“You know, the end approached us before the beginning.” She says.

He readjusts his grip, pulling her back a bit so the rain won;t hit her legs, “Why did you start dating him?”

“He listened to me… and I don't know, I felt like it was a way to distract me I guess…”

“From what?” She breathes in, chest stuttering, she considers telling him. She thinks over how it will go, how she will say it, how he will react, their relationship once it’s revealed. 

‘I slept with Matty, the day before I saw Caleb… we fell out over it so I went on a date with him to get back at Matty, make him feel the way he made me feel.’

‘You slept with my best friend? Are you serious? What’s wrong with-’

“Life…”

He hums, “Not to make Matty jealous?”

She looks up at him slowly, “Why would I do that?”

He chuckles, “I’m not stupid, Tommie, or blind. I know everything-”

She turns to the door in realisation of her loose mouthed best friend, “Ross! I’m gonna kill him, he told you-”

“Everything.”

She winces, head ducking down as she closes her eyes, “Ads-”

He shrugs, “You can talk to me about that kind of stuff you know-” He is quick to jump in and correct himself, “Not sex stuff… Please don’t tell me about that.”

She giggles a little, sniffling with a nod, “Okay… not even about how he-”

He unravels his arms to plug his ears and she laughs again.

He grins at the fact he got her to smile again, he pulls her into his side, kissing the top of her head, “Break up with Caleb, focus on yourself, don’t worry about Matty or the band right now. Take time off if you need it-”

She shakes her head, “I’m not quitting the band.”

“It’s not quitting, more like taking a break. No one will know, we’ll say you’re ill or something.”

She shakes her head, “I’m not leaving, not taking a break. I’m fine.”

“Don’t push yourself.”

“It’s not a push, more of a slow drag.” She says which has him laughing again as he shakes her a little.

“Promise me if it gets too much you’ll just stop. Go home, have time to yourself. I’ll come with you if you need it.”

She nods, lifting her hand and they link pinky fingers, “I will, Ads, don’t worry.”

“I always worry.”

taglist

@thereisaplaceintheheart, @indierockgirrl, @sofaritsalrightt, @julezs-bl0g, @eaglestar31, @sophinthealpss, @noacfemcel, @if-my-heart-bleeds, @befrwime, @fallingforel, @sexorchocolateorpillowsorclouds, @3terna15unshin3, @1975sophie1975, @thesocraticjunkiewannabe, @littlesoldierelleora, @procrastinatinglikeapro

-let me know if you want to be added :)

[cricketnationrise]

time: 1.31am (the time my dog woke me up today by jumping in my bed😅), location: Kensington palace , character: David and Alex please 🙏🏾 🐶, song lyric for vibes, discard if you don't like: "feels so good to be alive" 🌅 (from Beyonce's Be Alive Oscar performance 🎾💚🌻)

my ao3 is this same name but with underscores (the_marathon_continues )

no pressure if you can't get to this I'm sure you're inundated with requests!

*mushu voice* I LIVE hello i am in a two week lull of normal work hours so i have both time and brain space after a freaking month to write more and your prompt was the next at bat! i hadn't seen the oscars performance so that was cool to look up and see. i hope you love this little moment with my favorite boy. and alex.

read the rest of the ficlets here

❤️🤍💙❤️🤍💙

1:31am, kensington

Henry’s stuck at some royal event, one that Alex wasn’t invited to attend, and Alex is fucking bored. He can’t sit still enough to watch something, there’s no chores to do since he’s stuck in Kensington waiting for Henry to come back, and he doesn’t have any schoolwork for once. And yes, it’s after one in the morning, but he certainly isn’t sleeping. It’s only when David pads into the monstrosity that is Henry’s gilded bedroom, that Alex’s brain lights up with glee.

A quick rummage through Henry’s closet (oh, the irony) and a text conference with Bea, Nora, and June, and Alex has a plan. David’s a good sport through all of the outfits Alex puts him in, placidly allowing the infringement upon his dignity and obligingly staying still for the camera. 

He starts with a black bow tie collar Henry had lying around and fashions two shirt cuffs out of an old white shirt of Henry’s to go around David’s front legs. A strategically placed pistol emoji on the most debonair picture of David and the tribute to Arthur as James Bond is sent off to the group chat. That one’s just for the family's eyes.

Alex finds giant sparkly sunglasses shaped like flowers (left behind by Pez, surely) and slaps a super bright filter on top. He posts it to Instagram with the caption Elton Paws. He spends way too long making a black vest, white shirt, and black belt for David, wanting to get as close to the iconic look as possible. David’s unimpressed face looks out from the photo with the caption I’ve got a bad feeling about this. A cardigan from one of Bea’s old dolls and David’s own booties for cold days sitting next to him complete the Mr. Rogers costume. Please won’t you be my neighbor? With a fit of giggles, he removes the booties from the shot, adds the tiny crown Henry pretends he didn’t buy for his dog and takes another photo. He adds a photo of Henry in a similar cardigan as the second photo. The third photo on the post is just the meme from The Office where Pam says ‘they’re the same picture.’” Alex spends another ten minutes color washing a normal picture of David with bright purple, solely so he can make a Courage the Cowardly Dog joke.

He doesn’t bother checking any of the comments, fuck if people think he’s being ridiculous. Alex built this life; he’s found his person (and his dog). He managed to create something beautiful for himself all on his own, despite being thrust into the public eye. He and Henry came out the other side of the leak with their relationship and futures intact and shining brighter than ever. They’ve spent long enough putting on their best faces in public—it’s about time people remembered that he’s twenty-fucking-three. If he can’t dress his dog up in ridiculous costumes and post them on the internet like everyone else on the fucking planet, then what is the world coming to?

And alex is so fucking proud of his life, both separate and intertwined with Henry’s. They can weather any storm and forget anyone who says their relationship isn’t what love looks like. Someday, they won’t have to split their lives over two continents. Someday, it’ll be a given, an if/then statement: If Henry, then Alex. They’ve been fighting for something resembling normalcy since way before the emails leaked. They’ve dealt with depression and being outed, with a long-awaited ADHD diagnosis and the pressures of their families and countries. They’ve hustled and worked and bent over backwards for the public for years. If the general population has a problem with them occasionally being ridiculous about their pet? Fuck ‘em.

It feels amazing to be goofy, to act like the young adult he is, to not run every single tidbit by a publicist or handler, to do something dumb with his dog because he misses his boyfriend. So Alex will keep on dressing David up in whatever strikes his fancy and posting the results. If nothing else, Henry will love the results.

an instagram post: 

[pic of david in a ridiculous costume, alex beaming with tongue out and peace signs while he holds david up for a selfie]  when dad is away, we will play.

[raccoonfallsharder]

let me love your OCs

to request a doodle, read and reblog this post. (currently CLOSED) art masterlist | navigation | fiction masterlist current queue | rocket art | my OCs

petra quill, j'me, petra again | moon, juno, rose ♡

doodle requests are currently CLOSED.

i reserve the right to choose & reorganize my queue based on wherever inspiration strikes (it's not that i don't like your OC ~ it's just that my creativity is a fickle thing). i do tend to most enjoy drawing humanoid femmes with reckless hair in the gotg fandom, so they will probably get priority.

avery, jolie, fleuret, chérie | ken, brita, star, akira | ember, mori, magril, dori

Akira (@bakaotakulife) look at this shiny blue-haired badass. she has such an interesting backstory and you'll want to follow her creator to find out more about what happens next, i'm just saying.

Avery Malloli (@evolvingchaoswitch) is a fuckin badass bar-owner with sexy arm-muscles and tattoos and both i and jolie have crushes on them.

Brita (@pretty-chips) is such a pure, delightfully fun character with record-store-clerk vibes. Thank you for letting me draw her. She is a glowing sunbeam-soul. ♡ another Brita wearing a terran t-shirt gifted to her by my oc, Jolie Spinner

Chérie (Cherry) (@aliasrocket) I have a crush. 10/10 would attempt to flirt with (badly). Thank you so much for creating her and letting me doodle her! Dori (@funkydancingdinosaur ) i have deeply loved having the chance to draw and paint tadoria. they are so rad and i love their bioluminescent fucken eyes. i may end up having to draw them again at some point just to play with those eyes again. so fuckin cool

Ember (@thirteens-lucky-tardis) this girl is a fucking dragon. she’s got such interesting background lore and she’s cool as fuck. i vow i will, someday, draw her wings. truly a rich and interesting oc with great interactions with rocket! thank you gif letting me doodle her!

Erit (@hipothermia) is a super-interesting cat-like alien with some mind-control powers, gorgeous patterning, and she's besties with rocket (i get it. they both like to annoy quill.) SUPER cool character, SUPER fun to draw! ♡♡

Fleuret (@elegant-fleuret) is my personal caffeine deity. i now pray to her for the ability to scrape myself out of bed and for deliverance from coffee crashes. she is also the dj of knowhere which is possibly the coolest fucking job in the universe and i would like to be her friend.

J'me (@caesarhamato22) is a badass babe and i loved getting to try some new things and make up some guns. plus making something for jay is like. making an offering to a god. such a fucken honor

Jolie (Window Across the Galaxy) - my gremlin child. just some scritchy-scratchy character concepts. feel free not to look if you want to imagine Jo in your own way. ♡ another series of low-rent jolies ♡ the "real" Jolie doodle - refined, finished, && in color ♡ a favorite scene of Jolie & Rocket (Chapter IV. Got There First.) ♡ i just wanted to add other folks' beautiful art of jolie here too. i am so grateful for these treasures ♡♡

very first portrait of jolie by @raccoonmybeloved ~ so fucking cute i died

sims of jo by @evolvingchaoswitch ~ particularly love her paint-spattered outfit

an absolutely drool-worthy nsfw of rocket & jolie by @lazarel-3000 that permanently has altered my brain chemistry and lives in my mind forever ♡♡♡

Juno (@lazarel-3000) is one of my favorite OCs ever. she is everything. i want to be her && i want to date her (unfortunately she only has eyes for rocket). ♡ a rough little juno sketch because i just love her that much (+ it was a birthday thing!) ♡ another juno [NSFW], covered in sparklies, per one of my fave scenes from The All of You ♡ my favorite juno so far ~ a lineless portrait. she's so fuckin gorgeous and i cannot get enough of her!

Ken (@thismonthshyperfixation) ken is a very rad-as-hell woodworker who meets pete on terra. they go on a space-road-trip to knowhere so ken can meet rocket. they have very cool hair and tattoos and i wanna hang out with them and talk about making stuff

Magril (@rxin3akamallory) i have so enjoyed getting to know magril over the months that rxin3 has been patiently waiting for this doodle. she's such a clever, resourceful, resilient little sweetheart, an opossum, and a halfworld refugee who escaped via a ravager ship. plus her eye is a camera?? i love her!!

Dr Meti Geer (@luci-j) look, if you wanna read a VERY charming and hilarious fanfiction series about a half-celestial feline(ish) genius and chief veterinarian of knowhere who almost break's rocket's junk by falling off a roof and then accidentally married my favorite raccoon, you need to check out meti's story. i love getting to try my hand at drawing the illustrious dr geer and i am grateful for the opportunity to try and practice my extremely-limited hand at anthropomorphic characters. HE'S SO CUTE

Moon (@glow-autumz) with Rose (see below). Thank you for letting me draw these two lovelies. You know I headcanon them as interdimensional besties ♡ ♡ another Moon (@glow-autumz) Thank you again for letting me illustrate some of Moon's rad powers. i am OBSESSED. I appreciate so much you bringing her to life! ♡ a Moon-Mermaid (@glow-autumz) because she has captured my imagination. Thank you for letting me continue to doodle your amazing, gravity-defying, gorgeous-haired girl!

Mori (@blueberrysquire) this adorable badass is an alien space psychologist who focuses on shepherding folks across the threshold of life and death. they live incredibly long and their lore is rad as fuck. i took way too long to draw this character but they are an absolute delight and you should read more about them!

Petra Quill [NSFW] (@hibatasblog) so this version of peter is rad as hell and i wanted to draw them in their seductive shi'ar lingerie. petra quill is the darling version of peter quill who features large in all of this author's rocket x fanfiction and i love them. this particular sequence is from casino royale and you should check them out on ao3! ♡ another Petra (+Rocket!), chilling on the eclector (@hibatasblog) a scene starring the two babies from hibata's fanfic entanglement. it's truly the warmest hug of a story and you should all read it ASAP. (this is actually a complete art piece, with like a background and everything lol)

Rose (@love-for-faeries-go-burrrr ) & Moon (see above) Thank you for letting me draw these two lovelies. You know I headcanon them as interdimensional besties ♡ ♡ Another Rose (@love-for-faeries-go-burrrr) because I love her so, so much. aka rose gets her wings back

Star (@cleo-is-babygirl) is a pure fluffy little sundrop and a brilliant self-taught medic/surgeon. she is also the first tanuki/anthropomorphic animal i have drawn other than rocket so i was very nervous but i did my best. thank you for letting me try something new and expand my experience, friend!

Tessa Udonta (@guardian-angel12) is a metallic badass, a survivor of the high evolutionary and the kree, and a ravager. i adored getting the chance to draw her, especially with her silver eyes ♡♡♡ absolute goddess.

[dorkydiaz]

I'M NOT A KID NOW SO I CAN READ IT ALL {1.7k | getting together | first kiss | feelings placement | crushes} [ao3]

a/n: title from sunday crossword by j.maya

“...and dad in a couple weeks is our first middle school dance. It’s sparkly winter themed, whatever that means…” 

He heard about the dance for three days straight. and then it stopped. 

It was a rare day when he was able to pick Chris up from school, letting him climb into the back while he stayed in his seat with a watchful eye. and Chris is quiet. Eddie lets the quiet fill the space for a while. 

“Any updates on the dance buddy? Figure out what you are gonna wear, do we need to go shopping?” he bites his lip remembering the last time they tried to buy formal clothes. 

Chris grumbles, “I don't want to talk about it.” and continues to look out the window, a sad look in his eye. 

“Okay.” he shifts his grip on the wheel and after pondering for a moment changes his course and drives toward the beach. 

He puts the car in park and opens Chris's door who looks at him defiantly. 

“C’mon kid, here we go.” Chris rolls his eyes a little as he gets out of the car. He knows the drill, they've done this a few times since Christmas, each time they gain a little more healing. When they reach the sand Eddie hoists him up, crutches under his arm. 

They settle down on the sand. 

“So, what’s going on, what happened?” 

“I don't want to go anymore.”

“Why?” 

“Lindsay laughed at me.” 

Eddie doesn’t know who Lindsay is, but he might have a few choice words if he couldn’t guess that she’s also twelve years old. 

“I asked her to go with me, and she laughed. and I thought I had a crush on her but maybe I don't, because I don't know what that actually means. So I guess, how do I know if it is?” 

Eddie pauses, processing all that information that came so fast, it felt like Chris aged a few years in the span of less than thirty seconds. 

“Well, it’s different for every person, you know?” he starts, “Some people get butterflies when the other person is around, or you want to be around them all the time, or they make you laugh. Maybe you think they’re just that much prettier or handsome than your other friends or peers.” 

He swallows and pushes something out of the way for later. It’s about Chris right now. 

Chris contemplates his words for a moment, twisting his mouth around, starting a word and then stopping. 

“How’d you know with mom?” 

Eddie is a bit startled by the question, it’s not that he never thought Christopher would ask, he just wasn’t really prepared for it to happen now. But it makes sense. He lets sand slip through his fingers for a moment while he thinks. 

He smiles at the fond memories of their early days of friendship, the first time he heard her laugh and saw how it sparkled in her eyes. How it had been a group trip to the beach when they first kissed, the only two single people, each of their friends poking fun at them about their obvious crushes on the other. It had been torture. But then she kissed him and it was better than Lana at the 8th grade dance, or Silvia in 10th. 

It was supposed to be an end of senior year fling, that maybe held over into the summer before Shannon went to school. And it was. And she did. They kept it alive during breaks and if Eddie had the chance he would visit her. And then she came back to El Paso pregnant after Junior year.  

And they got married by the end of May. Shannon’s dress just covering her 5 month bump. Eddie wasn’t sure why they tried, everyone would know anyway. 

He enlisted two weeks later. Didn’t tell her for three days. Then left. 

And it had been the beginning of the end. 

But he turns Christopher's question over in his brain, “She was my best friend. Her laugh was the first thing that made me love her that much differently.”

Christopher bites his lip and digs a hand deep into the sand. 

“Hey, what’s up bud?”

“I don’t remember her laugh anymore, Dad,” Christopher replies so quietly as if he is afraid to admit it. 

And Eddie’s heart breaks, tears prick his eyes, he hates that Christopher carries this pain with him, “That doesn’t mean you’re forgetting her Chris. We must have it somewhere if you would like to hear it though.” He pulls his son into his lap, even if he is too big and just a few moments ago they were talking about his first crush and his first school dance. But he can’t help it, and Christopher doesn’t refuse. 

He nods into his dad’s shoulder, and then sits back. 

“You know I was doing the math the other day, and I- I realized that the amount of time that we had together is shorter than the time I’ve had without her.” 

All he can do is run his fingers through Chris's curls and pull him tighter to his chest. 

“I know, kid. I’m so sorry.” he swallows past the lump that’s formed in his throat because his son is supposed to use his new algebra skills to figure that out. It’s for, well he’s not entirely sure cause math was never his subject unless it was practical like figuring out how many units to administer in the field. Under pressure. So he does what he can and holds his son while the sun sets over the horizon. 

Chris relaxes after a while. 

“What happens to me if you die too?” he asks after a moment, his bottom lip caught between his teeth. 

And how many times can his kid break his heart in one evening. He's surprised this hasn’t come up before in everything they have been through over the past year. 

“Oh, kid.” and Chris just stares at him, waiting, “Buck will take care of you. It's on paper, a very special legal paper. You’ll stay right here, with him, and Bobby and Athena, Chimney and Maddie, and Hen and Karen. They’ll take care of you, just like they do now. And you won’t have to move. I can't promise,” Chris nods in understanding, “but I will never leave you without fighting tooth and nail to get back to you. okay?” 

“Okay.” Chris replies softly, before resting his head back down. “And Buck knows, and wants to do that if-”

Eddie swallows, “Yeah he does, he loves you so much.” he runs his hand through Chris’s hair again and sighs. and they breathe together for a moment. 

“Do you still not want to go?” Eddie asks as the last rays of sun disappear. Chris just nods his head. 

“You know what? I think we should have our own party at home, invite Denny, maybe Harry will be in town? I am sure Buck would be thrilled to help out. We can decorate, whatever you want. How does that sound?” 

Christopher ponders it for a moment and a small smile creeps up his lips and he nods slowly. “Can we get pizza on our way home?” his eyes turn big and tilts his head with a small smile. 

“I'm gonna have to talk to Buck about teaching you that look,” Eddie responds and Chris laughs. 

“And you’ll talk to him about your crush on him too?” 

And Eddie is speechless, his mouth forming a small oh in shock. 

“C'mon Daad, you totally want to be around him all the time. and you just invited him over to help kind of arbitrarily and you know he’ll say yes. And he wants to too. You really thought i wouldn’t notice that?” 

“What am I gonna do with you?” he asks rhetorically, and then turns slightly more serious “you think so?” Chris just nods, “I'll think about it. Okay, kid, let’s go get that pizza.” 

It's a few weeks later and Eddie's living room is covered in shimmery streamers, star garland draped across the mantle and twinkle lights. The dining room table is covered in snacks and drinks. Chris and his friends scattered about the couch and chairs, four of them racing in Mario Kart and the others cheering them on. 

Buck and Eddie are tucked away in the kitchen preparing for their pizza order to come to feed the 7 almost teenagers in the living room. 

“So in the planning, I never heard why we are facilitating this boycott of a middle school dance,” Buck says, leaning against the counter. 

“He asked someone to go with him, and she laughed.” 

“If I didn’t know she is probably twelve-“ 

“I had the same reaction. but that prompted the question about what crushes feel like and he decided he’d rather do something at home than have to go to the “stupid dance” that he was very excited about until then I’ll have you know.” Buck laughs, and smiles ducking his head- no doubt remembering his own 12 year old self. 

And it hits Eddie right in the chest. right there in the kitchen. It’s like a breath of fresh air in his lungs after holding his breath. Maybe it was weird that what he fell for all the time was the laughter, that the same thing that clued him in on his feelings. But to Eddie it just made sense. And this wasn’t shocking news to him, that he loved buck, he’d been waiting for it to hit him like this though. 

“There was actually one other thing that I wanted to talk to you about.” 

And Buck looks up at him, tilting his head in curiosity, which shouldn’t be so endearing. 

And now Eddie has no idea what the fuck to actually say cause everything feels too big and too important. 

So he crosses the kitchen with determination until he’s in Buck’s space, holding his jaw so gently and he can’t breathe. 

“i- is this okay?” he asks just about a whisper. Buck blinks and then nods. Circling his hand around Eddie’s waist, breathing him in like he can’t live without this any more. And if Eddie had known kissing Buck is this good he would have done it a long time ago.

[auxiliarydetective]

Friendly Advice

More Lux content? More Lux content. Him and Zoro have my brain in their clutches and they will not let go. This time, we're getting the nice bonus of Nami being... well, Nami. You'll see!

Zoro had to admit it – taking a bath had been nice. It had been a while since he had felt this relaxed. He dried himself off – had he ever used a towel this soft? – and, for once, took extra care in brushing his hair. Not that it did anything. And not that he did it for anyone. Especially not for Jirou, who was still standing in front of the bathroom door, waiting for him to come out. Quickly, Zoro threw on the bathrobe and slippers prepared for him, slung his swords over his shoulder, then went to unlock the door. Just when he was about to, he hesitated, gazing back at the mirror once again.

Finally, he opened the door, only to see Jirou clutching at his chest. The moment he noticed Zoro was out, Jirou straightened himself under slightly laboured breathing.

“You okay?” Zoro asked.

“Yeah,” Jirou croaked. “I’m fine.”

“Kaya said you needed to rest. Are you sick?”

“I’m getting better.” Then, Jirou chuckled. “Are you worried about me?”

“No,” Zoro lied, “I just don’t wanna be infected.”

“Well, you’re in luck. It’s not contagious.” Jirou stretched the ache out of his bones, then nodded towards the door of Zoro’s guest suite. “Come on, let’s get you something to wear.”

Zoro looked him up and down one more time, then started walking in the indicated direction. What a weirdo, he thought. After turning maybe two or three corners, indicated by Jirou only by a simple “left” or “right” (and a tug on Zoro’s robe when he had told him the wrong direction – he definitely had, otherwise Zoro wouldn’t have turned the wrong way), the two of them reached a very large dressing room, walls and ceiling covered in clothes racks and hangers, multicolored lighting all across the room. Luffy was sitting on a stool in the middle of the room, and immediately spotted his friend when he entered.

“Hey, Zoro! Jirou! What ’cha gonna wear?”

“Something black,” Zoro murmured, still trying to process the sheer amount of clothes and colors in this room.

“How edgy,” Nami remarked from behind the dressing screen.

“Sorry,” Jirou shrugged, leaning against the doorframe, “I gotta wear my uniform. So, I’m gonna be just as edgy.”

He had unbuttoned his jacket and loosened his shirt collar a little. Zoro took his sword belt that was slung over his shoulder and leaned the weapons against an armchair before flopping down into the very same seat. At the same time, Nami stepped out from behind the screen in a black dress and a black jacket with a sparkly floral pattern.

“How’s this?”

“Still Nami,” Luffy said.

“I said I’m wearing black,” Zoro complained.

“I hate you guys,” Nami scoffed.

“The jacket’s a little baggy on you,” Jirou threw in, just before she was about to head back behind the screen. “And the sparkles won’t look good under the chandeliers in the foyer. We tried something like that on my old uniform and it didn’t work.”

“You had sparkles on your uniform?” Zoro questioned.

“Only for a few days. Then we went back to just black.”

“I feel kinda bad for Kaya,” Luffy remarked out of the blue. “All this stuff… all this space… it’s gotta make a person feel… lonely.”

“Rich people don’t have the same emotions we do,” Nami explained as she was flicking through the clothes along one of the walls. “This stuff doesn’t make her feel lonely, it makes her feel important.”

Jirou chuckled. He walked over to join Nami, putting his hands in his pockets. “Y’know, I used to think that too. But Kaya’s just a girl. She’s not one of those rich folks you know about. All of the bling in this house? Her parents’ taste. Most of the rooms in this house she doesn’t even go to. Especially the East Wing, but that’s another story.” He grinned. “Back when she was younger, we’d play tag along the halls to make the house seem smaller whenever Klahadore wasn’t home. Of course, we can’t do that anymore, but… it was fun.”

“See?” Luffy called out. “Usopp likes her, Jirou likes her… I’m sure we can work out a way to get that ship.”

“No way,” Nami mumbled. “Rich people don’t stay rich by giving things away.”

“Which one do you want?” Jirou asked.

“The one with the sheep’s figurehead,” Luffy beamed. “It spoke to me!”

To this, Jirou laughed. “Well, aren’t you a special one... I know that ship. Caravel, white railing, grinning ram as a figurehead. I think Kaya would let you have it, but you’d have to get past Merry and Klahadore first.”

“Who?”

“Merry. He manages the family’s finances.”

“What does the butler have to do with all of this?” Zoro grumbled.

“Well,” Jirou sighed, “he likes to give little nudges to Kaya. Sort of like a substitute parent. But he’s my boss, so I can’t say anything about it.”

“He’s not here.”

“Yeah, say it!” Luffy encouraged Jirou.

“Sketchy,” Jirou then said. “That’s all I’ve got to say about that. Sketchy fellow. I don’t trust him. But he pays me, so who am I to complain? – Listen, if you want that ship, I’ll put in a good word for you, I promise.”

“As if that’s going to work,” Nami chuckled.

“Wanna bet?” Luffy asked.

At the prospect of gaining money, Nami smirked. “What are the terms?”

“I bet I can convince Kaya to give us that ship.”

“And when you can’t?”

“We go with your plan.”

Before Luffy could say anything more, Nami covered his mouth. But too late. Jirou made a smug noise of suspicion.

“Well, well, well, what do I hear…? Watch out. Don’t try anything or I’m holding your swordsman hostage.”

“As if you could do that,” Zoro scoffed.

Jirou grinned, strolling over to Zoro to stand between his legs, towering over him slouching in his seat. “Try me.”

“I bet you would like that, wouldn’t you?” Nami teased.

Immediately, Jirou went bright red and whirled around, looking back at Nami.

“What’s that supposed to mean?!” he called out, pointing at her in accusation and walking up to her until his finger almost touched her nose.

“Nothing,” she chirped, then threw a metallic, orange-colored shirt at Zoro.

“Go behind your fucking sheet again before I get mad at you.”

But Nami just smirked. “Your temper is almost as bad as Zoro’s. Help me pick a dress then.”

With an exasperated sigh, Jirou picked a dress off one of the racks and tossed it at her before sticking his hands in his pockets yet again, practically fuming. But then his eyes fell on Zoro, and his brain stopped working. The swordsman had thrown off his robe and was putting on the shirt Nami had given him, his muscles on full display.

“Hey, quit staring.”

“Then don’t change in front of me, you freak!”

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Taglist: @starcrossedjedis @oneirataxia-girl @daughter-of-melpomene @supermarine-silvally - let me know if you’d like to be added or removed!

[faverna]

Ok it's loki season 2 finale rant time bitches

!¡ SPOILERS and crying ¡!

Ok so first, omfg its a tree

With fruit! Or sparkly whatever things. Doesn't matter. I could be thinking too much (I am) but I think it's kinda of cute to think about how loki takes all these lives and choices and worlds and helps them grow into a beautiful living force of nature. One that creates life and great things all on its own. This contrasts the whole loom idea. The loom takes all these lives and choices and worlds, chooses the ones it wants, and weaves them into a single, artificial, "perfect" thread. It's like nature vs. industry kind of.

Second, AAAAAAAA LOKIUS

The way mobius' ending line echoed and it zoomed in on loki's face is my new roman empire. Also the way mobius turned New York alien invasion loki into self-sacrificing, god of stories loki is crazy. Ship them or not that's amazing. They are besties and also definitely in love (imo) your honor. Back to the original train of thought. I would assume loki can see/hear into timelines to a certain degree. Which means he could be watching mobius from afar which is enough to make the tears start. And does mobius know this? Is that why he waits there a little longer? I can see him sitting in a room alone talking to loki and just hoping loki can hear him. And maybe loki responds despite knowing no one can hear him 😭 cryimg. Maybe they don't even speak they just sit there knowing the other is thinking about them. It's so tragically cruel that just as loki realizes that what he really wants is his friends back and to not be alone, he loses his friends and becomes alone forever. He finally gets his throne. Which is another thing. I might be wrong but I think I remember loki talking about how he never wanted the throne of asgard he just wanted his father's love and stuff like that (idr what movie) which is even more painful. He chased a throne he didn't want his whole life in an attempt to gain other things. When he realizes he has what he wants he loses it. Similar to how in ragnarok thor tells him he was always loved, loki just didn't realize. And how thor says loki could've been more if he just let himself be more. And mobius told loki (who didn't get to ragnarok) he could be someone good. Loki finally finds the truth in these things, he can be good, but he loses everything he really wanted in return.

We arrive at three, mobius leaves the TVA

This scene hurts too. Mobius says he belongs at the TVA and he likes it there. And honestly, I (because as not him I am oh so qualified here (sarcastic)) agree. I can't see him living the life he has on the timeline. I can see him settling down but idk something feels off (it's not with loki /hj). After loki leaves he looks absolutely miserable at the TVA though. Mobius lost his purpose when loki found his </3 and now the only thing he can do is try to live some semblance of a life. Loki lost his best friend but so did mobius. And now he has to leave his life's work and try to live like a normal person who hasn't had their world ripped away from them. Me personally, I would feel hopeless.

Oh and fourth, where the fUck is he

It was probably said at some point but I don't remember, I'm too lazy to look, and I don't actually need an answer. But what kind of messed up outer space dimension are they in? Where is the TVA? Can't be in space because then someone would conquer them. And where did loki go? He ripped open space and now he has a chair somewhere. Speaking of which. My man has a chair. Just a chair. A rock chair. Barely a throne. Ignoring all the awful stuff I just spent ages typing that's a pretty awful way to spend the rest of time. Speaking of which part 2. Is loki immortal now? Because last I checked he had a lifespan of 5000 which is not "for the rest of time" sooo?

I'll probably think of more I wanted to say but hopefully I got most of it. Just needed that out of my brain it was and still will take up too much space.

[lowlaif]

Konpeito

never seen a star up close.

kinda wanna eat one.

and no, not one of those starlets hanging out in ridiculously overpriced LA villas - now finally available in "sustainable" minus an ecological footprint rivaling the size of their range rovers. the owner will fly in from two towns over so they get there early for their yearly yacht trip and ill activate adblock so palantir cant pester me with 50-euro airline ads to the maldives because shit, money is going to be a bit tight this month

i want to eat a star. actual heaps of gas and space dust and heat and whatdoiknow, im not a scientist, id rather not belie my words by googling the exact chemical configuration of something thats just bright and pacifying to me, something thatll melt on my tongue. 'm not even gonna chew. just gonna swallow it. the way i ate chocolate as a kid because relishing in something meant enough time for it to be taken away. the way i drink medicine because - if you gulp it down really quickly, it doesnt have time to taste bitter: anything can be honeyed milk if you clench your teeth hard enough

did you know thats what galaxy means anyway? milk? i wonder what galactical honey would be, then. whether id think its sweet or spicy, whether id like the taste or want to spit it out. if itd go down with well-rounded corners or lodge itself into my throat and stay there. fishbones. i also wonder whether astronauts ever feel scammed when they set foot on the ISS and realize theyre not going to bear witness to a sky made out of sparkling lights and silver threads and golden spots and rainbow clouds but rather just a sea so inky black it's going to make breathing difficult not just by lack of oxygen alone. earths much too reflective for any other luminescent object to be visible to the naked eye, ive been told, hence why youd just be looking at a planet so bright it surely hurts to stare at it, and i wonder what it feels like, being up there and gazing down only to be blinded when youre so used to looking up and squinting?

im homesick thinking of kids drawing earth into the upper right corner of their drawings. i dont actually know if theres stars up there though everybody tells me those pinprick lights are, and i cant breathe when im busy trying to figure out what exact level of depression the stale air around me tastes like. but something in my brain clicks when i think of shiny things and theres no empirical evidence that grabbing the sparkly stuff up above my head wont cure me so i want to, i want to, i want to. wanting always boils down to sinking your teeth into it and ive filed my canines far too often to fear the force of my bite now

people dance on the moon and i mimic their steps in my bedroom and though these are just small steps i dont know the names of the poor sods stuck on the ISS either, even though there's only been like 500 of them and they're all way better at living life than i am. my hands ghost over where i instinctively know the light switches of my flat are and wonder if up there somebody's got a nightlight, cheap plastic stars attached to their ceilings, one of those little projectors that put constellations on your walls. whether they ever have trouble sleeping and if yes, what the hell do they look up at then? who do they cast their wishes to?

never seen a star up close. never held one. but the concept is so familiar, so ingrained into whatever our shared consciousness is made out of, that i want with my molars. i itch to keep it in my tummy so it keeps me warm on the cold days and i only trust what i see so i want to look at it until my retinas burn, until the sound of the big bang echos in the confines of my brain. itll drown out all other unwanted thoughts and itll sing in the genetic make-up of my descendants long after my neighbours cant hear me sing in the shower anymore. ill cup my palms and pray into them. begging is easier when youre in position and im on my knees and i swear ill never run out of things to whisper to the radiant little ember in my hands because it is beautiful and because i like shiny things and because stars have always made us look up at them and

When I finally get my teeth on it and swallow it whole I'm sure a piece of the star will get lodged in my throat like. fishbones. in a last-ditch effort at vengeance. I'll spend the rest of my life attempting to choke it back up.

"I made it with love," I'll say after I finally managed to do so.

"Careful, it's hot."

[twenle]

If Yena from Itzy had a solo album

i’m going to talk about the songs on here but if you don’t want to read and just want to see the playlist then it’s here:

preface

i wanted to do a y2k mixed with pop rock concept for this since i could see yuna doing it. if i translate the random words in my notebook about this, you’ll find that i mention somi and hyuna in it. i specifically put dumb dumb because come on, that’s a yuna song, and lip and hip but neither artist made it to this anyway. i did also put yena ‘in small doses’ (typing out yena and yuna’s names throughout this was really annoying lmao) which is what i did since yena is the person i think of when i think of y2k and pop rock in k-pop. she’s still the only artist in there more than once but neither song is her most bombastic and neither one was used as a title track. the title track is the first song in the playlist, and it’s a little predictable since yuna’s cover of it is pretty popular, but i don’t see any other choice so:

0001: u-go-girl - lee hyori

the cover makes this easy to imagine, but i’d like to think this would be here anyway. the chorus screams yuna. i mean i’ve listened to yuna’s cover plenty of times, but not more than the original and i can still hear her as i listen to it right now. it’s bouncy and playful, two things i would love to see if yuna ever goes solo and when paired with an insanely catchy chorus, i don’t think there’s any room to go wrong. there’d obviously be a feature too, probably by a stray kids member (or xdinary heroes since i know o.de did it in the cover), probably hyunjin. i might be yapping since i haven’t kept up with them for a while but it feels like it’d be hyunjin and i think the kpop side of the internet would go crazy over that.

0002: icon - twice

it’s not as easy to imagine this one since there’s 9 people singing on this song but it fits with the concept and works as the first ‘bside’ on this. i don’t love them, but i could definitely see yuna doing the rap verses on this song, and if the verses were changed a bit i feel like this could have been an itzy song. it would have been the equivalent of f(x) releasing mr boogie so it wouldn’t be impossible. the chorus definitely works for yuna though, with the self love concept being very itzy in general, and it works pretty well with some of the other songs here.

0003: vision getting blurred - bébe yana

tell me why i only just find out bébe yana used to be in evol, like i feel like i’m on my nugu promoter space right now. anyways this song is one of those ‘aesthetic’ earworm songs, which happens to be another style i could see yuna doing. i always see songs like this from smaller soloists, so i’m not sure she would, but i think it would suit her and it fits this concept. the chorus is of course pretty addictive and it’s one of those songs that sound like it was written with a sparkly pink gel pen (i have been influenced to say this), something that reminds me a bit of yuna’s u-go-girl cover.

0004. lay low - yooa

another ear worm song, and well i first listened to this song yesterday and i’m already a bit addicted. there’s something so catchy about the lay low part, and it’s not just the repetitiveness of it, but also the way yooa sings it. i’m not the biggest fan of her voice but the pronunciation of it scratches the right part of my brain. this song also feels pink, and reminds me of vision getting blurred but less moody, and i think that’s more yuna’s style. it also leads us on nicely to the next song, which is our first yena song.

0005. lemon-aid - yena

lemon-aid was always my favourite b-side of yena’s before damn u came along. i’d argue it’s one of her ‘happiest’ songs and this is the girl that made smiley. the name is accurate and it really does feel like drinking fresh lemonade in the summer, something which i’ve not experienced myself but i just know. the pre-chorus feels very yuna to me, especially with the little rap or, well, talk singing part right before the chorus starts. it’s more laid-back than her other songs as well, which fits the vibe of the last few songs on here.

0006. chowall - triples

forgive me for adding four songs that are less than three minutes long in a row and then going for one that’s barely over a minute, i promise the next three are over three minutes (before we get onto yuri whose biggest crime is releasing round and around). there’s not much to say about this song, and i just used it as a break in songs before we get onto the next one, something which i will continue to do when i do the other four members.

0007. well…. (rock ver) - iu

i mean this in the best way possible, but this song reminds me of horrid henry. of course there’s no better way to remind me of my childhood so it’s all welcome. this is pretty different to the vibe chowall creates, but i like the way the vocals stop for a moment and then we get a ‘one, two, three, go’ and we’re straight into the two song long pop rock section of this playlist. i really like the guitar instrumental on this (it’s still horrid henry coded though), and it could have been the title track if there were a few more songs like this on here.

0008. withorwithout - yena

this also sounds pretty nostalgic but this time for seemingly no reason. anyways i couldn’t say yena was the person i thought of when thinking of y2k x pop rock in k-pop then not include this one. this song also reminds me of yuna a lot, especially towards the end and i think it works really well as one of the final songs on the album, and as a way of transitioning out of the pop rock moment we had.

0009. left right - xg

this was originally at the front of this playlist, but then i took one of the songs out and moved this towards the end because there was less upbeat pop rock than i originally planned and i needed something like this at the end of it. this song reminds me of icon by twice, so we have a weirdly shaped circle with two lines at the end to represent the first and last song that don’t fit it at all (please say you’re visualising it). again, it’s a bit hard to really see yuna singing this since it’s a group but i could definitely see her doing the rap parts and then i’d like to think it fits here.

0010. favourite part - jo yuri

i almost added this in lia’s playlist, since i was actively searching for yuna songs but adding to the other members if i found anything i thought could fit. i mean i wrote yuri’s name down in lia’s section of my notebook and i added je t’aime by joy to her playlist so i could make this work there. i mainly added this here because i’m being predictable and ending it with a slow song, but also because yuna is a sub-vocalist and this is pretty short. i also didn’t want to end it on the previous song because it just doesn’t feel right, and i’d much rather end it on the magical piano instrumental at the end of this one so that’s what i went with.

i won’t yap much longer but i wanted to talk about the one song i didn’t add —— dang! (hocus pocus) by billlie. i won’t talk about much of it since i might do that another time but the main reason i removed it is because of the group thing. i’d rather this have been all soloists but we had three groups (two if you don’t count triples) and sometimes that can take you out of it so i didn’t want to add a third one. also, i don’t think this one fit as well, or at least it didn’t fit in any place with this order. i took it out saying i might add it back in but then i realised that i liked how i did things here and didn’t want to have to find a place for this song too, so i just left it, but i have been enjoying this song whilst making this playlist so i thought i’d mention it anyway.

dividers are from @plutism

[squidyyy23]

hi friends! i'm not dead friends! 👋 i feel like we haven't stopped in days. it's been a while time. but i'm here now to play tag game catch up! thanks @celestialmickey @gallawitchxx @metalheadmickey @heymrspatel @whatwouldmickeydo @too-schoolforcool (tumblr, why are you hating cherry?!?!) @creepkinginc @gardenerian

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tag game (not even close to) tuesday

name: tina 🦑

age: does anyone actually continue to keep count after 30?

how many hours of sleep did you get last night? probably like 7

which do you use more: pretty even i’d say.

a hobby you’d like to pick up: i wish i could make pretty writing (and have a use for said pretty writing)

if you were a crayon, what color would you be? a sparkly one.

what was your average screen time last week? 2h 39m

a song you put on every playlist: i would immediately be sick of whatever song that was and need all new playlists.

favorite holiday: 4th of july. only because summer, sun, pools, fireworks, and zero familial obligation.

something on your bucket list: south pacific. hut on the water. leave me there to die.

you’re invited to a costume party, what are you dressing up as? truth? i’m probably avoiding it because forced costuming stresses me the fuck out and i hate it.

what show takes up the most space in your brain? shameless and sons.

and finally, share something you’re looking forward to: PALS!!!!!

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✨ joy list ✨

☀️ warm summer sun. 

🌊 beach days.

🐟 little lit up faces experiencing the world. 🚀

🍅 a garden i haven’t killed yet.

🔥 warm nighttime fires (and s’mores).

🎆 fireworks.

👩🏻‍💻 my wildly flexible job without which the balance would completely topple.

🎒 tiny humans in oversized backpacks.

📞 a husband who will make my phone calls for me.

🍑 perfectly ripe nectarines (fuck the fuzz on a peach).

🛏️ our not-even-that-new-anymore giant bed. freedom to sprawl never gets old.

🌞 more sun. because, as my son told me, i am solar powered. 

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had my son make me the picrew. he also decided he needed to make one for himself. and demanded i show everyone. so have us both. apparenlty we both have red hair now. watching a six year old boy scroll through his cleavage options is great btw. also his ranking of pride flags on aesthetics only. solid strategy really.

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tagging no one since i'm a million lightyears late. but i love you all!

[clementinefight]

Sorry if you haven’t heard from me, whoever’s waiting to hear from me. May was hard. May was Captain of a lot of things that didn’t feel so good. I watched a lot of Shetland & one night made brownies from the box. I think it was the same night, oh dear. It all goes flashing down the rear. May was like, “how is it possible the flowers can bloom when I feel like this, So pointless, aimless, out of wack And unretrieved or left behind, How is it all coming up as I’m going down, Shouldn’t we, as nature, be in a tandem dance.” May, I was alone a lot and felt it. Though that is nature – up and down in tandem, Good and bad in the same exquisite sandwich. I take a bite. Cloudy day. I’m just in it. Glad to be in it – I love the thorn in the rose bush as that’s what makes it rose bush.

I’m in Nova Scotia, baby, it’s my first time here. Flew in from Toronto with my sister (not twin, who is in Italy) and my cousin. It only took 1 hour and 44 minutes in the air to get somewhere I’d never been in my life. We are here for my birthday on Monday but also because BenIsHerFriend.

Cold air out here, no? Walking into the tiny shack where we’re staying my sister said about the cold, “I can feel it in my bones.” But the air is fresh and sparkly green. Green everywhere. Green landing. I brought a book – never let me go by Kazuo – but I probably won’t touch it, I just don’t have those kinds of eyes at the minute. Staying in a boat shack in LaHave, as I somewhat mentioned, which is an hour twenty-minute drive out from Halifax. The highway, if that’s what it is, is very nice, grey and bordered in tall trees, a thrumming yellow-green embroidery. We didn’t rent a Jeep Wrangler but that’s what the car rental place had for us after losing (?) our original car and having us waiting near an hour for its replacement. It was a fine wait, huddled at a high bar table in the airport with English breakfast tea and a morning glory muffin. And we got a cool Jeep at the end. I felt like this was special, because we’ve always wanted to drive in a big hulking Jeep machine in a space with nice, open skies. Hopefully the weather will warm to the point we can take the roof off and if it doesn’t, maybe we’ll do it anyway and shiver for a bit of time.

Today, though, today I’m sodamntired but coffee isn’t helping. Do you ever have something to do that you just can’t fucking do? So it just runs in your brain as something you’ve GOTTA do! It’s not all bad. I enjoyed a cheese croissant and two lemony dolmas for lunch which was great, and lemon loaf for lunch-dessert. Rain glides in the air, and on these blustery days, a note of lemon cracking through does real business.

Also – I got a Graphic Design internship! With an animation festival in Ottawa. It’s virtual, forty hours a week and starts tomorrow and runs until the first day of September. I’ll be helping design the festival book. Maybe in the fall will drive to Ottawa to meet them all in person / attend a few of the shows. But this means I’ll have to lower my hours on the island, so hopefully that’s cool. Otherwise, I’ll quit the island. That could only have been a summer job anyway.  

Tomorrow, will visit Lunenberg :•)

[mandy-malady]

i'm trying SO HARD to be people-friendly at work.

my immediate knee-jerk response is just to be ashamed of my existence until proven otherwise; that i'm not a nuisance to anyone and everyone i'm talking to. so i've got a hyper-radar for micro-expressions and i dissect and over-think every little interaction. i avoid eye contact and try to stay out of the way. make myself as small as possible and be as polite as i can when people do choose to interact with me. total roundspongebob.png (literally overheard someone whisper to someone else "so polite." judgily)

like i asked my supervisor for something and when she answered i apologized as i scurried away and heard her say something, so i turned around and she had this on-stage wide-eyed toothy grin as she looked up to the sky, and i was like "oh my god she hates me i stepped on her last nerve and she was just giving me the worst look imaginable and turned it into a smile at the last second as i turned around i will not bother her for a moment more for the rest of my shift so help me-"

but then i wound up having to ask her for something anyway and she was really patient and walked with me to find what i was looking for. maybe because of the previous interaction.

and there's another coworker who called me "felicia [condescending]" one day and to me, she's like, the coolest, because she's so good and fast at her job and I get the sparkly uwu eyes when she's working near me but she also puts off the "i'm too cool to be spoken to" vibes. but like, she came up to me and was like "oh, man. they have you over here by yourself??" and we had a small convo but i was like okay maybe she doesn't hate me.

and this other guy who i thought didn't like me trained me yesterday and we talked almost non-stop about all the things and for once i didn't feel ashamed for talking too much after and like

yeah maybe people don't hate you as much as you think they do. maybe don't constantly non-verbally apologize for your existence. maybe take up space. maybe talk to people even if your brain tells you they could care less. maybe make really way too long posts on tumblr about it. maybe post stuff and for once *not* delete it immediately after because you re-read it and over-thunk the shit out of it and decided that it's too much of a nuisance to be on the internet.

"you're here for a reason, so act like it"

[lyreleafblog]

A Personal Account of OCD and Hoarding Behaviors

Hi! I have OCD, and not the fun kind! Let’s talk about my experience with hoarding behaviors. Hoarding runs in my family and I’ve had two living relatives who very clearly struggled with the compulsion to continue bringing stuff into their homes without removing any of their old stuff. My experience has never made it far enough for my collections to, in any meaningful way, impair or otherwise affect my living space— but I’ve felt the obsessive need to collect since my earliest childhood memories. With many professionals agreeing that hoarding behaviors can be linked to OCD, I wanted to share my experience with this vastly under-discussed presentation of symptoms.

My hoarding behaviors began in very early childhood, when financial scarcity set in after a divorce. I won’t call this “true hoarding” though because by most accounts it’s more of a obsessive collecting behavior due to how organized I have always been with my objects. But I had a drawer of shiny objects. I know, shut up, yes I have fucking autism now leave me alone on that. This is about hoarding. My shiny object drawer was definitely a fun box of stimming for me, and I would open it and just scratch my brain itches with the glitters and sparkles and shines of all the stuff I had. No object was disallowed from this drawer— if it made my brain feel good, it was going in the drawer.

Some of the things I collected in there included:

Stickers

Sea Glass

Any piece of paper that was shiny or glittery

Shiny or sparkly wrappers

Polly Pocket or Barbie clothes (again, ONLY shiny or sparkly ones)

Tubes of glitter either discovered or outright stolen for the box

Most importantly of all, I collected innumerable numbers of rocks.

Thankfully, my grandpa eventually convinced me to store my rocks properly, wrapped in papers and in organized boxes.

Eventually my drawer was emptied when I moved homes during a chaotic time in my life. I was living with someone else at that point so I didn’t have any besides a bag or two worth of my old possessions. I also didn’t have that much of my own space so I couldn’t collect things elsewhere.

As a young teen, I realized that I didn’t like having a ton of stuff, but I did like having access to tons of stuff. Once I had my own bedroom and a stable living situation again by 14ish, I designed areas to hoard art supplies and paper craft supplies. Admittedly, while I call this hoarding, in reality I was super crafty and always cutting and pasting and drawing, so it was more of a stash than a hoard and I did regularly go through and look at, cut up and use the materials I saved.

To this day, I have one such box, as I love making mixed media art, especially out of pieces of things pertaining to the subject. For example, I did a marker and water drawing of one of the Florida springs that included a thread of a braided bracelet I had worn there. Today, however, my box is very strictly regulated, and only highly specific trinkets or pieces end up inside of it— and, it’s all kept alongside my normal art supplies so that it’s never mistaken as junk.

Around the same time is when I took up a new way of hoarding— a way that didn’t feel suffocating and didn’t, in any way affect my surroundings— digital hoarding!

I would say my collection of Sims custom content counts… but then again, “CC shopping” was a normal activity of players at the time and many players bragged about their massive hoards of downloads.

But there was something else that caught my attention eventually. I got into digital art. I have hand coordination problems and at the time was friends with people who didn’t, so I felt very isolated from a lot of traditional art communities since conforming to conventional methodology is genuinely impossible for me. Even digital art was hard… but my laptop pad was, while a massive frustration to artists who *can* use their hands, a viable tool for me. Eventually, I became able to do pixel art. I even eventually made pixel animations!

But then… the pixel collection folder began evolving.

A little innocent looking file on my desktop that said “Pixels” —

You could click it and a window would open with two more files listed:

My pixels

Not my pixels

“My pixels” contained, you guessed it, pixel art that I made myself. It was very often just pretty ladies or food. In fact, now that I’m thinking about it, it may have been entirely pretty ladies and food. But I did make sure to section each type of food and each type of pretty lady into even more categories.

Then, there was the unforgiving behemoth of my “Not my pixels” folder. I would spend hours scowling the internet for pixel freebies.

If you’re weren’t chronically online at that age, allow me to enlighten you. For no clear reason, in the mid 2000’s and early 2010’s, every game had a forum and every forum had an art shop section and every art shop section had threads that were entirely operated as pixel art shops. I traded gold, gems and whatever other virtual currencies I could earn for free for pixels, and made pixels for others, too.

The best part about the pixel art shops were that they all had a list of freebies.

Ten pixel bobas, each a different color

Or perhaps it was pixel bagel sandwiches— a selection

Pixel cakes were always my favorite

Pixel objects were also a favorite— pixel cellphones and computers and other toys all on transparent backgrounds.

I took them all.

Years passed but my pixel hoarding persisted. At one point, the files were so overwhelmed with the photos that I would save dozens of at a time that my computer struggled to open it.

Then, my laptop broke, destroying my pixel empire. I ended up unable to salvage any files. They were all permanently gone.

After that experience I was slightly disappointed upon realizing the overwhelming amount of labor restoring my collection would take. I was also gobsmacked realizing the hundreds of hours I had spent achieving nothing other than a collection of low resolution images of food. I decided it was probably best to leave that little.. hobby.. in the past.

As I’ve gotten older, I’ve kept a tight lock on how much stuff I have both virtually and in real life, mostly because I’m not willing to pay for storage on both accounts. But from time to time, I catch myself holding something shiny and wishing I could stuff it in my pocket and keep it forever. Or, I’ll run into pixel art in the wild, and have to remind myself that it’s not worth starting up again.

While I don’t “hoard” anymore, I do think I still have a unique relationship with “stuff” in that I explode if I see something go to waste, especially textiles or technology. I will keep objects until I have a convenient way to donate them en masse. I don’t like to destroy even the cheapest of furniture, I’d rather preserve it even if it’s flimsy, and give it to someone who might need something temporary.

I struggle to differentiate values like environmentalism, the will to circulate goods as a way of practicing mutual aid and combating poverty, and a rightful scarcity-mindset from what might be the same pure compulsions I had as a child. Is it /really/ about giving something away, or is it about ensuring that these generally worthless objects I’ve deemed value are are cared for? Is it about practicality or obsession?

Since it doesn’t really affect my life in any meaningful way now, it’s not a cause of stress, just reflection. I think it’s critical to generate reflective dialogues about these more taboo aspects of common mental and physical conditions and neurodivergences so that, together, we can create a more educated and accommodated world.