#IVE GOT A HUNDRED THROWN OUT SPEECHES I ALMOST SAID TO YOU

[astrobei]

they see right through me/can you see right through me/i see right through me

[honeycordials]

I went to go make a little vent playlist on Spotify and I got hung up on one song that I had to play on repeat and just cry to. I think I needed it though.

[nofuckingbody]

paragraphs in my notes i never sent you

[enbysiriusblack]

marlene mckinnon and regulus black are the archer.

[drivemysoul]

cruel summer just shuffled to the archer. for unrelated reasons i am inside kazuto kirigaya’s walls.

[separatist-apologist]

ACOTAR next-gen

Who is who?

Ivy & Soren- Elucien

Alexander, Finn, Saoirse, Aine- Tamlin

Auden- Gwynriel

Nyx & Selene- Feysand

Elyn- Nessian

They Took The Crown But It's Alright: NSFW, Ivy & Alex

Darling I Fancy You- Alexander x Iv It's Been Occurring To Me That I'd Like To Hang Out With You For My Whole Life- Soren x Mei I Like Shiny Things But I'd Marry You With Paper Rings- Auden x Saoirse Stay Here Honey, I Don't Want To Share- Alexander x Ivy I Miss You Too Much To Be Mad Anymore- Auden x Saoirse Please Don't Be In Love With Someone Else- Aine x Selene I Can't Breathe Without You But I Have To- Finn x Elyn Like You'd Get Your Knuckles Bloody For Me- Auden x Saoirse I Don't Want To Keep Secrets Just To Keep You- Auden x Saoirse I See Your Face In Every Crowd- Auden x Saoirse I Don't Want You Like A Best Friend- Soren x Mei I've Got a Hundred Thrown Out Speeches I Almost Said To You- Aine x Selene We're Made of Starlight- NSFW, Saorise x Auden

[straightfromthetorturedpoetsdept]

So, the archer is like the perfect song to describe the autistic experience of unmasking for the first time imo. And that's basically what I'm going to write about in this post so here we go.

The first verse starting off with challenging herself on her desires, because of the effect that media has on her, is such an autistic coded line to me personally. "Combat, I'm ready for combat, I say I don't want that but what if I do?" Just perfectly describes how difficult it can be as an undiagnosed autistic person to figure out what aspects of your personality are real and which parts are for show.

Pairing that with "cruelty wins in the movies, ive got a hundred thrown out speeches I almost said to you" is such a great line to further my autistic analysis of this song because like idk this is just autism to me. Or rather, this is what it feels like to learn that I'm autistic and revisit my entire memory bank with this knowledge trying to figure out what I actually desire out of life. The admission here that you take your cues from movies can also be seen as an autistic admission of masking through popular media.

I know for me, once I started dating my current partner, I really had to unlearn a lot of unrealistic expectations I developed through watching TV as a child. Now that I know I'm autistic, I can see how those movie ideals affected the way I interact and behave. I also think that the tension here between what she says and what her thoughts are reveal a disconnect of not knowing who you truly are because you've been masking for so long that your entire personality is just what appeals to the broadest group of strangers.

Then we get into the core fear running throughout the song, "who could ever leave me darling, but who could stay?" Is such a HEARTBREAKING lyric. Like there are so many ways you can talk about this lyric but if you're viewing it through an autistic lens, this lyric really gets to the heart of the brokenness that many undiagnosed autistic adults feel.

You've crafted such an artifical version of yourself that is appealing to people that they're initially attracted to you, but the cost of keeping that mask up gets unrealistic and once it starts to slip and you should people your "true" colors, you start losing them. They can't stay, once they see who you really are.

I've felt this way my entire life, like I'm just an awful self-centered human being who is unlovable and fakes things for attention, and my compulsive lying as a kid was proof of that instead of proof that I was trying so hard to present an acceptable mask without even knowing that's what I was doing.

Then we get the second verse, where she explains why she feels like nobody could stay with her and she points to her desire to "search for your dark side," even if she's alright being in the present moment with people. She can't help but feel like people who are "too" nice are hiding something from her, which can be seen as another autistic feeling because so many of us do this esp undiagnosed adults!!

We don't value people who don't seem to want anything from us because it feels "too good to be true," and then she says "I cut off my nose just to spite my face and hate my reflection for years and years." This is another thing that undiagnosed autistic people can do, there is high comorbidity between autism and EDs for example. Like, she is saying here that she's so unhappy with herself that she punishes herself with her ED and this makes her feel like a bad person who "deserves to be alone." I think that this is something a lot of autistic people can relate to, in particular.

Then we get "I wake in the night, I pace like a ghost" which is something my autism has actually done to me before. Like, I've gone to bed anxious and that anxiety just compounds in my sleep until I wake up and pace through my house until I calm down. I'm not saying she's doing it cause she's autistic, but I am saying that my autistic ass relates to this lyric in this particular way. Especially this idea of walking up feeling like the room is on fire with invisible smoke, and the way that she repeats "help me hold onto you," which is such an honest admission of needing help to see the truth.

Like, the anxiety here and the desire she feels to not let it ruin her relationship to the point where she is asking her partner "help me hold onto you," because she knows she can't do it on her own because her thoughts are too dark to let her see the reality of their situation at times like this.

And then we get the most autistic part of the song to me, the bridge where she basically repeats the sentiment "they see right through me, I see right through me, do you see right through me?" This to me is like the epitome of the masked autistic experience. This is how I felt my entire life, this is how I looked for a connection my entire life, wanting someone to see who I am but dreading it at the same time because you don't want to be rejected for things you can't change about yourself.

Oh and then the part about "all the kings men couldn't put me together again" is how it feels to realize that you've been using sex and male approval to soothe the fear that you have that you're unlovable and then pairing it with "all of my enemies started out friends" is such a raw admission of feeling like you're the problem all the time, because you've made all your friends hate you.

The archer just hits all the fears I had as an undiagnosed autistic person and it transports me back to a time where I still felt that way and I didn't know that I'm actually pretty fucking normal and not broken at all and that's why even though I adore the song, it hurts way too much to stream consistently for me.

[not-elia]

the archer by taylor swift

Combat, I'm ready for combat

I say I don't want that, but what if I do?

'Cause cruelty wins in the movies

I've got a hundred thrown-out speeches I almost said to you

in this verse we start with the feeling of mentally preparing yourlself for somehting, a fight, and not knowing if its what we really want. we have spent all our lives watching as the bad people get away with things, so why not us. then there is the over thinking aspect of a fight, planning what youre going to say, then hating it, and then repeatign the cycle.

Easy they come, easy they go

I jump from the train, I ride off alone

I never grew up, it's getting so old

Help me hold onto you

people come and go into your life all the time, and its easier to jump off and leave on your own accord than to be left alone. never growing up feels like everybody moved on, everybody knew what to do, everybody exept myself. i want to stay and not feel like i have to leave, help me do that.

I've been the archer

I've been the prey

Who could ever leave me, darling?

But who could stay?

i have hurt people all my life whether i want that or not, but ive also been hurt more times thatn i can count by the people ive trusted the most. theres this aspect of just fake ego, who could ever leave me if im so good, if im this grand person who ive imagined myself to be to protect myself, but then again its just a facade to so get hurt, buecase nobody ever stays.

Dark side, I search for your dark side

But what if I'm alright, right, right, right here?

And I cut off my nose just to spite my face

Then I hate my reflection for years and years

i search for oyur flaws, somehting that might make me hate you, but what if thats not really the problem. ive self sabotaged all my life because i dont want people to leave me and i hate that about myself.

I wake in the night, I pace like a ghost

The room is on fire, invisible smoke

And all of my heroes die all alone

Help me hold onto you

i cant sleep, i stay awake overthinking everything, even stuff that isnt there. because thats all ive ever seen, people end up alone, and although  i think i am doomed to the same fate it sacres me so much.

I've been the archer

I've been the prey

Screaming, who could ever leave me, darling?

But who could stay?

(I see right through me, I see right through me)

on this chorus we start to hear background voices and heartbeats that intenify. growing with every second, the same words over and over again haunting my thoughts.

'Cause they see right through me

They see right through me

They see right through

Can you see right through me?

They see right through

They see right through me

I see right through me

I see right through me

because everyone can see that im not who i pretend to be, who i thought i wnated to be, who i became to try to protect myslef. can you see who i really am too? i thought that i could fake until i made it, that if i pretended to be all that i would become it, but i was wrong.

All the king's horses, all the king's men

Couldn't put me together again

'Cause all of my enemies started out friends

Help me hold onto you

all of the good things that happened to me cant overcome all of the bad things, because the only people who can really hurt you is the ones that you trust the most. help me unlearn that. 

I've been the archer

I've been the prey

Who could ever leave me, darling?

But who could stay?

(I see right through me, I see right through me)

Who could stay?

Who could stay?

Who could stay?

You could stay

You could stay

we have this moment of just overwhelmingness, the backgtoud voices, the heartbeat, the growing hamonies, the feeling of trying to find out how you are feeling.

Combat, I'm ready for combat

the song ends the same way it started except that its has a totally opposite meaning, this time it means that im ready to fight for what we have and not give up.

[darklordofthesimp]

just some random thoughts cause anxiety is 📈📈 today

The Archer (by Taylor Swift) fits both sunny and birdy at some points, like musically the song feels like it’s always on the bridge - anxious and waiting for a relief (chorus) that doesn’t come- like they’re waiting to be seen as something more but not sure how to achieve that (birdy after the egg crack incident & sunny proving they are in the 141 cause theyre good enough not just a replacement)

THEN YOU HAVE THE LYRICS:

“I wake in the night, I pace like a ghost. The room is on fire, invisible smoke. And all of my heroes die all alone”

“Cause they see right through me, can you see right through me? (…) I see right through me. All the king’s horses and all the king’s men couldn’t put me together again” (birdy parallel in my brain)

The whole “who could ever leave me, darling? but who could stay?” gives me sunny vibes and in the end she changes to “you could stay” LIKE MAAM I NEED A MINUTE

Also, the “I’ve got a hundred thrown out speeches I almost said to you” WITH “Sunshine died a liar”

THANKS FOR COMING TO MY TED TALK

PLEASE I NEVER THOUGHT A TAYLOR SWIFT SONG WOULD RELATE SO HARD TO MY SERIES BUT THIS IS LITERALLY SOME OF THE MOST ACCURATE LYRICS IVE SEEN??? 

GO TAYLOR

[moralstood]

tag drop

[rainprose]

slenderbodies - favorable colours

Am I allowed to be the way I want? / Climbing through the trees like an animal / Can’t make you believe, no (ohh) / Yeah, you might be sweet but you’re cynical / Tried too hard to be who you're waiting on / I have no reason to make it up / I’d rather watch the sun slow down / High above the leaves for now

Favorable colors in the fading glow / Yeah, I just want to be there / I’ve been trying to brainstorm for something more / But I just end up seeing them / Favorable colors in the fading glow / Yeah, I just want to be there / I’ve been trying to wait for you evermore / But I just got to leave here!

But if you won’t be understanding / Try to give you second chances / Might be time to take a peek / But you don’t want to see the world the same as me

Delicate, sugary, I could be / A little overwhelmed by this /

Laying low, yeah I know / There’s a couple rules I need to play by /

(repeated 3 more times) / Delicate!

[misshoneybee]

⟣ 𝑌𝑂𝑈'𝑅𝐸 𝑀𝑌 𝐴𝐶𝐻𝐼𝐿𝐿𝐸𝑆 𝐻𝐸𝐸𝐿 ⟢

— 𝐼𝐼𝐼. 𝐶𝐴𝑁 𝑌𝑂𝑈 𝑆𝐸𝐸 𝑅𝐼𝐺𝐻𝑇 𝑇𝐻𝑅𝑂𝑈𝐺𝐻 𝑀𝐸?

Masterpost — OFC Biography — Playlists — Chapter II — Chapter IV

❧ Pairings | Post-Endgame!Bucky Barnes x Original Female Character, Previous Steve Rogers x Original Female Character

❧ Warnings | Mature content, explicit language, fluff (bonding, introduction to Alpine!)

❧ Wordcount | ~5.6k

❧ Disclaimer | Dividers are by firefly-graphics. If you are a minor, or do not have your age in your bio, and I catch you interacting with this, you will be blocked. If you believe you were blocked unfairly, send me an ask with your url.

'Cause cruelty wins in the movies, I've got a hundred thrown-out speeches I almost said to you. Easy they come, easy they go, I jump from the train, I ride off alone. ( The Archer | Lover )

February 3, 2024

Groaning, Maggie flopped back on to her bed and looked at the ceiling, her eyes following the spinning blades of her fan as they turned circles. The depression that had swallowed her whole had taken every piece of her along with it; motivation, energy, the ability to sleep, any desire to eat. But, for the first time in months, she actually felt famished and only one thing seemed remotely appetizing.

Carolyn had been trying to get Maggie to leave her house for things other than work and doctor’s appointments, but it was like pulling teeth with the stubborn woman as she resisted. Perhaps this was the perfect opportunity—or, at least, it would have been if Poppy had been in town. Instead, the blonde biochemist was in some lab in East Asia working on cellular regeneration.

The footsteps in the unit next door were quiet but Maggie sat up from her bed as she heard them, glancing at the wall that the apartments shared as she pursed her lips. That could be an option. She and Bucky had slowly struck up something of a tentative friendship over the past weeks; perhaps it wouldn’t be the worst if they picked up dinner together. Maybe it was childish, but she couldn’t go alone, not there. Not yet at least.

Winter was dragging on and it was still freezing outside. Flurries floated through the air in the early evening hours and throughout the night. Though the yuletide season had passed, snow was still piled high on the sidewalks, shoveled aside, and mixed into a frozen, gray sludge with the dirt from twice the amount of foot traffic in recent years.

Trailing the cold zipper of her boots up her denim-clad calves, she wiggled her toes, encased in two pairs of thick socks. As she grabbed the coat that she’d hung by the door on her way back inside from running errands that afternoon, her stomach was turning. Locking the door behind her, she wasn’t quite able to tell if it was from the idea of going where she’d planned or the company that she was asking to keep.

Giving a few gentle raps to the hollow wood of her neighbor’s door, Maggie took a step back, fiddling with the buttons and belt of her coat as she awaited his response. The old carpet on the hall’s floor dulled the tapping sound of her toe anxiously keeping rhythm until the door opened after just a moment.

“Hey.” Bucky’s brow was furrowed as he opened the door to see Maggie, bundled tightly in a long, wool peacoat. Their paths had crossed more than once since that day in mid-January, but this was different. The waters had been far calmer than they were after they initially met; it was nice. He’d caught her trying to carry a little armchair up the staircase alone and had taken over because he poked that she was blocking the only way in and out of their building, so she’d paid him back by offering him cookies in the hall some day a week before. It was smooth sailing.

“Hey,” she gave him a half smile, “Are you busy?”

“Not really.” Raising an eyebrow, he crossed his arms and leaned against the door frame as he teased, “Need me to kill another spider?”

With a scoff, she waved him off, “It was one time, and it was bigger than my hand!”

Just a few days earlier, she’d almost beat down his door to request assistance after nearly vaulting off of her couch when she spotted a spider crawling up her wall. Aliens were one thing, arachnids were another.

“Was not.” He shot back amusedly.

“Shut up.” Rolling her eyes, she pushed on, “I want pizza, but I don’t want to go by myself. Would you want to…”

Trailing off, she waited for him to get her inference and agree so they could just be on their way. Of course, she should have known that he wouldn’t accept her offer without a few pokes as his grin widened, creating little divots high on his cheek, “Are you asking me to dinner, Maggie?”

“You know what? Nope. Definitely not. Never mind.” Shaking her head, knowing full well that he’d follow, Maggie sauntered down the hall before calling back over her shoulder, “See you around, James.”

From the little table by his door, Bucky grabbed his wallet and keys and locked the door behind him before jogging down the hall to catch up with Maggie before she could even reach the stairwell. As he swung open the door to the stairs, she raised a taunting eyebrow at him, stepping into the echoey room.

“I’m hungry.” He defended flatly and she grinned.

Quietly, she hummed, “Fine, I guess you can come.”

One of the benefits of her tentative friendship with Bucky was his contentment with the quiet; he didn’t feel the need to fill every passing moment between them with words. They could walk together in a comfortable silence and neither of them minded very much.  

But as they navigated the streets of their neighborhood, she could almost feel his eyes continuing to dart over to her. Eventually, Maggie broke, turning her head to look at him, both mildly exasperated and intrigued by whatever was bothering him, “What?”

“You cut your hair.” He shrugged

“Oh.” Maggie’s hand drifted unconsciously to her newly shortened waves; she’d almost forgotten that she’d finally bit the bullet that afternoon. Four inches had been chopped away, leaving the ends just long enough to brush the tops of her shoulders when she wore it down. She mumbled lamely, “Yeah.”

“It’s short.”

Rolling her eyes, she prodded, “Mm, really perceptive, aren’t you?”

“It looks…nice.” The words sounded strained but when she looked over at him to tell him to stop picking on her, she only found candor behind his eyes as they met hers.

Slightly surprised, she felt a genuine smile tug at the corner of her wind-chapped lips as she murmured, “Thank you.”

It wasn’t long before they were across the street from that familiar, hole-in-the-wall pizza place with the little green awning with fading white letters and Maggie hesitated, her muscles tensing and gluing her to the spot on the sidewalk. Maybe they could just pass it and go to another place—it wasn’t like there weren’t at least two pizza places within five hundred feet in any direction when in Brooklyn.

“Francesco’s?” Bucky’s brows were drawn together as he gravitated towards the old building, “I know this place.”

“Oh.” Feigning surprise, she bit the inside of her cheek as she followed behind him, “I should have known that you’d remember it, he…told me the first time that we came here.”

‘On our first date.’

Regret was already bubbling deep within her; she should have just used that stupid fucking app and gotten delivery instead. If she’d done that, then she could have been curled up in pajamas and warm at home instead of anxious and freezing as fat snowflakes landed in her hair and dampened it, chilling her even further than before.

Without a doubt, this location had been far too ambitious for one of her first non-mandatory outings.

Stepping inside the restaurant felt like déjà vu. It had been his favorite place in the city and somewhere along the way, it had become one of hers as well. The tacky flooring and obnoxious red and white tablecloths used to be a comfort but now they made the room spin as the beginning of what felt like an anxiety attack began to climb up the ladder rungs of her ribs and into her chest.

Maybe her shattered heart really was made up of pieces from everyone she’d loved and lost.

“It still looks exactly the same.” Bucky’s voice was awestruck as he looked around the dining room. Exhaling a quiet laugh, he shook his head, “Shit.”

“Is that Bucko?” It was impossible to miss the plump older man as he approached the pair with wide eyes. It had been months since she’d been around but somehow, Frank looked far older than she remembered. What was once slicked-back, inky black hair had been streaked with white like a shiny barcode, the lines under his eyes had deepened and branched out over his cheeks.

“Frank?” Bucky looked between Maggie and the restaurant’s owner as if searching for confirmation from either, “As in, Little Frankie?”

Frank’s older brown eyes lit up as his dark, thick brows shot up towards his receding hairline in surprise, “Aye, it is!”

While the man was almost a head shorter than Bucky, his grip was strong as he pulled the simultaneously younger and older man in for a tight hug. Awkward and surprised at the kind gesture, Bucky gave him a solid pat on the back as he murmured, “Holy shit.”

“Haven’t seen you in a while.” After a moment, Frank gave him a solid nod and Bucky returned it in kind.

“Yeah, it’s been a few years.” There was no need to hash out how he’d come back or where he’d been in the meantime; it wasn’t as if people didn’t know who he was or what he’d done. He couldn’t help but feel grateful that Frank was more than willing to allow his past to remain behind him.

Spotting Maggie, Frank opened his arms with a grin and Maggie plastered a fake smile across her face. She could only hope that it looked less deranged than it felt as she gave the restaurant’s proprietor a tight embrace, “There’s the beautiful girl.” Letting go of her, the portly man held her at arm’s length as if inspecting her for damage as he asked, “So, where’s the Cap?”

The question felt like a bullet to the chest; she prayed that he didn’t notice the way that her entire body tensed at the mere mention of him. She’d rehearsed the lie so many times in her head, but she hadn’t needed to say it aloud, not yet anyway. Everyone she’d spoken to since he’d left had known the truth, but Frank didn’t need to know.

“He retired.” Swallowing the lump in her throat, Maggie could feel Bucky’s almost sympathetic gaze burning into the back of her head as she carried on, “Moved out west for the sun.” With a sad half-smile, she heard her voice crack just slightly as she softly added, “He really loves it out there.”

Where he was, she really did hope that he loved it.

Nodding slowly, Frank’s smoke rasped voice was low as he hesitantly asked, “And you two…”

Shaking her head, Maggie forced her broken smile to stay put. She wouldn’t cry. Not here, not now. Clearing her throat, her voice wavered just slightly, “We ended on good terms, Frank.”

“Good, can’t have him hurting my favorite girl.” His hand on her shoulder gave a soft, paternal squeeze and tears sprung to her eyes like a washcloth being wrung over a sink. Frank gave a small supportive smile as he offered before going to grab their menus, “Could kick his ass if you needed me to.”

“I’ll let you know. Promise.” With a soft laugh, she added as she unbuttoned the heavy woolen coat that had been weighed down with frozen precipitation, “Tell Ruthie that I said hi!”

Waving over his shoulder as he made his way to the host stand, Frank called back, “Will do, honey.”

Turning her back towards her dinner partner and squeezing her eyes closed, Maggie took a shaking breath. She just needed a second, just a single moment and then she’d be okay again. If she had to break down, she could do that later in the comfort of her own home. The restaurant was busier than she’d ever seen it and the low rumble of voices carrying on conversations around her slowly brought her back.

Tucking her coat on the seat beside her, she slid into the booth across from Bucky as she ignored their last conversation. Eager to talk about something that wasn’t to do with the common thread that they both missed, she teased quietly, “Bucko?”

Lips pressed into a flat line, he picked up one of the menus that Frank had left on their table. Though his face was tucked behind it, she could still see the brush of red that kissed his cheeks lightly as he grumbled, “Don’t talk about it.”

“I’m totally telling Sam.” With a beam, Maggie plucked the other laminated but crinkled paper from in front of him, “Gonna text him right now.”

And like that, things were okay again—or, at least, more okay than they had been just a moment before. Despite the increased occupancy of the tiny pizzeria, their slices came out quickly. Swirls of steam drifted up from the molten cheese and tomato sauce that had been wood fired, lifting the fragrant aroma of garlic and oregano up to their noses.

Small talk with Bucky typically wasn’t too bad. They’d chat about their days, both relatively boring as she was always at work and he was either doing community service or in therapy, before turning and gossiping about their fellow apartment dwellers like two old biddies. The twenty-something-year-old girl on the second floor still made an effort to run into Bucky whenever she could and the older gentleman on the fifth floor continued to stand too close to Maggie every time that she tried to get her mail.

Halfway through his first slice, Bucky let out a low groan at the taste as he murmured in wonder, “How does the food still taste the same?”

“He always said the same thing.” With the ghost of a smile at the memory, she used her fork to cut a piece of her slice before chewing it thoughtfully. Without fail, every time they grabbed dinner at Francesco’s, Steve would wipe his hands on his napkin and tell Frank that the food was just as good as he remembered. At the time, she’d thought it was a goofy little quip, but she’d give just about anything to hear it again.

Meeting Bucky’s eyes, she asked quietly, “You two came here a lot?”

The words left her mouth and Maggie felt as if she was taking a chance on some precarious tightrope with no net below to catch her if she were to fall from grace. As a silent rule, she and Bucky didn’t really talk about Steve unless it was inevitable. The subject was still an open wound and no amount of glue or thread could seem to close it.

“Whenever we scrounged up enough change, we’d come by after school.” A fond smile came upon his scruffy face as he nodded, looking around the walls that were as old as him, “I didn’t even realize this place was still here.”

She hadn’t really thought about that, how new everything was for Bucky. He’d left New York in the forties and hadn’t returned as himself until just a few months earlier. All of that time, he’d been in cryo-storage in Russia, various apartments in the slums of Eastern Europe as he tried to hide, Wakanda as he healed, but now he was home. He’d left and returned to a brand-new world.

“James?” Using her fork and picking at some of the cheese that had cooled and congealed into a thick blanket atop the crust, she looked across the table with a soft, grateful expression as she spoke quietly, “Thank you.”

The corners of his light blue eyes crinkled as he gave a faint smile back and nodded in solidarity, “You’re welcome.”

All throughout dinner, Maggie had failed to realize that, as they sat together in the little booth, she wasn’t the only one replacing their missing link.

“Come this way.” With his hands tucked into the pockets of his worn, leather jacket, Bucky nodded to the tiny alley that was tucked between Francesco’s and the old barbershop that had been next door for as long as he could remember.

Raising an eyebrow, Maggie’s voice was dosed with a healthy amount of skepticism as she slipped on a pair of gloves that she’d stuffed deep in the pocket of her peacoat that morning, “You want me to follow you down a dark alley?”

“Fine,” Rolling his eyes, the tall man took a few steps backwards as he goaded, “Take the extra five minutes in this tundra if you really want to walk that way so badly.”

Grumbling, she followed him but stuck her tongue out at his cocky, victorious expression. She seldom let him win their little fights, but she could feel her fingers going numb and her legs beginning to shake from the chill that sunk deep into her brittle bones; she’d do anything to quickly get out of the cold.

As she recovered from the pit of the depressive episode that she was still in the process of crawling out from, Maggie still looked frailer than she had before. The muscle on her once lithe body from the years of training had all but wasted away as she’d lain in bed from late November to January. Maybe someday she’d get it back but for now, she just wanted to feel okay again, however she could.

Looking around at the colorful graffiti that had been tagged on the cinderblock walls down the dark walkway, she glanced over at him, “How the hell did you know about this shortcut anyway?”

“Used to know these streets like the back of my hand.” Shrugging his broad shoulders, Bucky pretended to look particularly interested in one of the murals they passed as he added, “Helps that I’d have to check all the alleys when he didn’t show for something ‘cause he was usually getting his ass handed to him.”

On more than one occasion, he’d found his best friend with his fists raised and facing off with a bully in the same alley down which they were walking.

Her exhale of a laugh was dipped in a coating of heartache as she nodded in agreement, “Sounds about right.”

Steve never did like bullies, not even back then.

“And it…doesn’t seem that long ago to me. Not really, anyway.” Though he was trying to keep his tone light, she could hear the knife of bitter pain that cut through Bucky’s words as he tacked on, “Time feels different when you’ve been frozen and defrosted and fuckin’ snapped away and brought back, you know?”

There was a pang in her chest; she’d never really given much thought to how time had passed for Bucky. Being put on ice and taken off was undoubtedly different than seventy years straight spent encapsulated in some glacial block. Had he known when he was waking up, when it was? Had they needed to bring him up to speed because they only took him out when he was needed like some sentient weapon instead of a person? Did they tell him about the current events like it was some highlight reel?

Her stomach turned at the idea and the knot deep within it tightened as she thought about the little folder that she’d found in the box that had been packed from her old office where she and Steve’s documents had intermingled. It was an old, creased manila thing with ‘Case No. 17’ printed with thick, black letters on the front in Russian. She hadn’t known what it was before she opened it but the familiar face of her neighbor in a cryochamber had stared back at her after she’d turned the cover.

It had been an old, defunct Hydra file on one ‘James Buchanan Barnes, alias The Winter Soldier.’ With a pounding heart and wild eyes, she’d slammed the file shut before she could read any more, and had shoved it deep in the back of her filing cabinet, praying that out of sight would also mean that it was out of mind but apparently, it didn’t.

Swallowing to try and remedy her dry throat, Maggie murmured, “I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay. Nothing I can do about it now.” Though he tried to make his tone nonchalant, Bucky’s body language was anything but as they exited the alley just a block away from their building. His shoulders were high, sculpted jaw and neck tense with lips pressed together tightly; outside he was cool, but inside he may as well have been screaming as he nodded slowly, “Just gotta get used to it all again.”

That was the story of her life, wasn’t it? Always starting over, always building from scratch. Getting used to everything all over again seemed to be all that she knew but it was never any easier, or maybe it was, but it certainly never felt like it.

Yanked from the depths of her brain as he groaned as they passed one of the twenty-four-hour laundromats, Maggie looked over to see his annoyed face almost pouting at the window, “Why are you whining?”

Waving her off, Bucky grumbled, “Forgot I have to come back here later.”

Looking over her shoulder, she frowned. Using her elbow, she gave him a gentle nudge as she offered kindly, “You could use mine, you know.”

He looked surprised and she had to actively try to not be offended at his uncertainty regarding her offer, “Really?”

“I wouldn’t wish using the laundromat on anyone.” Maggie nodded, suppressing a shudder, “Just bring your stuff over when we get back.”

She was beginning to like his occasional smiles that only she was privy to; he bumped her arm back gently, “Thanks.”

As soon as she’d come through her front door, Maggie turned on the kettle and headed to her bedroom, eager to strip off the snow-damp layers of wool and cotton that she’d dressed in earlier. Ignoring the drawer where she’d eventually shoved all of Steve’s old clothes, the ones she used to wear almost as often as her own, she yanked on pajama pants and an oversized sweater, threadbare holes in the cuffs from all the times she’d worn it before.

Pinning back her hair, she made her way back into the living room to turn on the radiator—it wasn’t long ago that she’d loved winter and the snow and the long, dark nights but now, she only wanted spring and the warmth that it brought with it. Maybe the verdant green foliage and sun on her skin as the world came back to life from its three-month slumber would do her good.

A quiet knock on the door caught her attention; as her hand landed on the knob, the scream from the kettle made her flinch. Allowing Bucky in, she quickly returned to the kitchen, calling over her shoulder as he closed the door behind him, “It’s in the same closet as the water heater.”

“Thanks.” Carrying the basket inside, he looked around. It seemed as though every time he entered her apartment, she’d made some kind of decorative change to the space. It was homey; he kept quiet, but it was nice to see her somewhat settling into a life that she’d never expected to have.

Taking the kettle from the heat, Maggie asked down the hall, “Tea?”

Loading his clothes into the little, New York apartment-sized machine, he called back with a chuckle, “Mm, beer?”

“Got it.” Shaking her head in amusement, she grabbed one of the bottles tucked in the back of her fridge and popped the cap off. She hadn’t had once since the last time he’d been over.

After she heard the washer turn on, his apprehensive voice floated into the living room, “Maggie, what the hell is that?”

With a furrowed brow, she made her way down the hall. Nothing had been left in the machine, she’d made sure that all of her silk and lacy pieces had been out of sight before he used it, and she couldn’t think of anything else in the closet to illicit his response. A smile pulled at her lips as she spotted the fluffy, bright white cat who was sitting on the machine and keeping a suspiciously watchful eye on the apartment’s unfamiliar guest.

“He is Alpine.” At the sight of his new owner, the cat lazy blinked its crystalline blue eyes before hopping off of the machine and walking slowly into the living room.

Closing the closet and following his neighbor and her small, animal friend, he raised an eyebrow as he asked bewilderedly, “You got a cat?”

“Obviously.” As they entered the living room, he registered that perhaps he should have realized it before. A cat tree had been placed in the corner by the window, toys on strings littered the small area rug, and new food dishes had been placed in the kitchen. Kneeling to the ground, she tapped the floor as she sing-songed quietly, “Alpine!”

At the small feline’s refusal to respond, she rolled her eyes and scooped him up anyway, carrying him to the couch as he gave a begrudging yowl at being transported against his will. Loud purrs vibrated the air once she began petting him softly just behind his ears, “They thought he might be deaf, but they didn’t know if it was just because he’s old or if it was like a birth defect because—”  

“So, you got a deaf cat?” Bucky interrupted, his own blue eyes sparkling as he clarified the situation in amusement, “A deaf, senior cat?”

“You’re a senior.” Maggie grumbled at him, making a face as she held Alpine close to her chest and covered her legs with a soft, knit cashmere throw, “No one wanted him! The people at the humane society said he was too mean to most people, but I couldn’t just leave him there!”

When she’d gone into the humane society on her way home from work last week, she really didn’t think she’d leave with anything but the furball who’d since taken over her apartment had apparently had different plans. As soon as she walked in, he was rubbing against her legs and rolling over to show her his belly—there was no way that she could have left without him.

“Especially because they said I was the only person he hadn’t tried to scratch,” she added. The workers had been dumbstruck when the older cat allowed her to cautiously pick him up before promptly falling asleep in her arms. Carefully, Maggie slid across the couch closer to Bucky, who stared at the animal in her arms with an apprehensive look like it was a bomb instead of a sleepy cat. Alpine leaned over and sniffed the man’s shoulder before letting out a low purr as he rubbed his face on the navy Henley that Bucky had donned.

Maggie’s eyes narrowed at Bucky as if it was his fault that she was no longer special because her cat now liked him as well, “That’s not fair! He already likes you and you didn’t even have to do anything!”

With a gloved hand, he carefully brushed a hand over Alpine’s snow-white fur as he smiled down at the creature, “He’s…kind of cute.”

“I know—Alpine! No!” Though he was old, the feline was still quite spry as he wiggled out of Maggie’s arms and took a dive towards Bucky who watched with a mildly horrified concern. With a scratchy ‘meow’ as he climbed the man’s arm, Alpine eventually situated himself on his broad shoulders as his tail swished back and forth contentedly.

“Shit, uh—” Bucky craned his neck to see his new friend and reached up to give him a gentle scratch, “It’s okay. He’s fine.”

Resituating her blanket, Maggie sank back into her cushions as she watched the pair. Her deep cocoa eyes narrowed at the white ball of fur as she muttered, “Traitor.”

“Don’t take it personally.” Bucky grinned, carefully relaxing back against the couch as he took a long draw of the bitter, hoppy beer she’d gotten for him, “I’m really easy to love.”

Rolling her eyes, she took her mug from the table and sighed softly as the ceramic warmed her dry hands, “Sure, you are, Barnes.”

Swiping through apps on her phone with her unoccupied hand, Maggie relaxed into the comfortable quiet with the ambient sound of the wash whirring in the background. As Bucky played with Alpine, chuckling as the older feline swiped at the hand before him, he listened to the news that drifted out of the television’s speakers.

Watching the genuine joy on her neighbor-not-quite-friend’s face, an idea popped into the back of Maggie’s mind, and she pursed her lips. Locking her phone and tossing it aside, she sat up straighter as she inquired, “What are the stipulations for the community service you have to do?”

He wasn’t surprised that Maggie knew about it, she’d been one of the people that fought for that rather than prison time, but her candidness was a welcome departure from those who discussed it like it was some taboo activity.

“It has to be a non-profit in the city limits.” Bucky gave her a half-shrug, trying not to jostle his new, furry friend too much, “Pretty shitty guidelines if you ask me.”

Playing with the strings on one of the blankets tassels, Maggie cautiously approached the thought that had come from out of the blue, “What would you think about coming with me sometime when I visit the group homes that the foundation runs?”

Following, what society had decided to call, the Blip, families and children were once more shuffled around like playing cards in a deck. A rather large group of children had returned only to find that their parents had passed or had gone missing in the five-year period since their departure. With her new division, Maggie had pushed for the foundation to intervene and thus, some of the lower floors on what used to be the Avenger’s Tower had been converted into group homes for kids and families who needed assistance following the restoration of Earth’s population.

“Really?” Surprised by her suggestion, Bucky met her eyes with his furrowed brow. Leaning back, he adjusted his arm as Alpine slinked lazily down his torso to curl into a tiny ball on his lap, “Why?”

“Some of the kids really admire you guys.” At his hesitance, she exhaled a quiet sigh as a frown ghosted across her lips. For some distinct reason, Maggie was almost certain that he didn’t feel included in that group. She’d be hard pressed to find someone who felt like more of an imposter than Bucky did; he didn’t know if he’d ever see himself as a hero regardless of anyone else seeing him as such. Softly, she clarified, “All of you guys.”

The whole craze of action figures and toys in the likeness of people that she knew and had loved…or still loved, was still quite bizarre to her. Sets of Avengers were sold in plastic packaging, complete with Quinjets and now-defunct upstate compounds that could be bought separately. In her time working with kids, she’d seen more than one action figure of Bucky in his Howling Commandos getup—one of the children had even gone so far as to use a permanent marker to make his left arm look metal to be more accurate to the man today.

At one point, he’d loved kids but perhaps it was only because of his younger sister since she’d been quite a few years younger than he was; sometimes it felt as though he’d practically raised her. Then again, maybe it was because kids were amusing and hopeful and always tended to look for the best in people since they were far less jaded than their adult counterparts. Hesitantly, he gave a slow nod as he contemplated her offer, “I’ll have to check with Raynor.”

“That’ll give me time to do the paperwork.” Stifling the sparkling, triumphant smile that threatened her lips, she hid her face behind her mug as she took a sip of the fragrant, lukewarm chai swirled with milk and sweetened with sugar. Cinnamon and cardamom coated her tongue and she hummed softly at the warmth that spread through her body.

Dangling one of the toys that he’d snagged from the floor, Bucky peered over at her with his mouth tipped into a crooked smile, “It tracks.”

Her head tilted, some of the wispy waves that were too short to be pinned back fell back around her face, “What?”

“That you’d go and get the one thing that no one else wanted.” He chuckled and nodded to the playful animal that had hopped on to the cushion between the two adults as he swatted at the plush mouse toy that was dangled before him, “I mean, I’m your neighbor so it makes sense.”

Waving him off, she rolled her eyes, “Shut up.” With a little shrug of her shoulders that were swallowed beneath her large sweater, Maggie tendered lightly, “You’re not…awful.”

“Was that…a compliment? You’re gonna make me tear up, Mags.” With a hand on his pec, he had an almost-sarcastic heart warmed expression at the thawing ice queen’s suggestion.

Swallowing another sip of the sugar-sweetened tea, she shook her head, “Mm, nope. It’s still Maggie to you.” With a sniff and a faux-contemptuous glance she prodded, “Unlike you, my nickname is earned.”

He scoffed, “Maggie is a nickname.”

“Mags is my nickname.” Maggie insisted, lifting a grumbling Alpine back into her lap as she crossed her legs beneath the toasty blanket; the tiny radiator in the corner of the room was working overtime to try and heat the small space.

Narrowing his eyes at the younger woman, he pointed out, “I’m pretty sure ‘Maggie’ isn’t on your birth certificate.”

“I’m surprised you even know what a birth certificate is.” At his puzzled expression, she added coolly, “I mean, I just kind of assumed that they carved bad portraits and roman numerals into stone tablets when babies were born back in your day.”

Bucky’s shoulders shook with a silent chuckle at her sharp wit before he feigned a look of hurt, “That hurt, Marguerite.”

“You’ll survive, James.” With a small smirk on her lips, Maggie rolled her eyes.

[whatiwillsay]

Ive seen a number of lists of what people perceive to be Taylors gayest songs and the archer always pops up but I can't see it. can you explain how the archer is queer

ok let’s break it down because yes the archer is one of her gayest songs.

taylor said the archer was about the feeling of fear and anxiety that comes along with falling in love.  yes it can be scary to fall in love but falling in queer love has a completely different loaded element to it.  you might be hated, disowned, killed, or even damned to hell for it.  the general vibe of “there is a negativity associated with falling in love” is just very very gay.

some specifically queer coded lyrics include:

I've got a hundred thrown-out speeches I almost said to you - gay people bite their tongues a lot, they’re afraid to come out and it’s scarier than usual to tell someone you have feelings for them or other truths about yourself

Easy they come, easy they go - being gay includes losing a lot of people you care about sadly

And I cut off my nose just to spite my face Then I hate my reflection for years and years - gay self-loathing, very relatable

And all of my heroes die all alone - this is probably the gayest line of the song for two reasons.  1. lots of gay people (particularly gay celebs) die alone without a partner because they’ve been forced to closet or enter into fake het pairings to hide their sexuality and 2. the aids crisis of the 80s and 90s caused a lot of gay leaders to meet early and lonely deaths

'Cause they see right through me They see right through me They see right through Can you see right through me? They see right through They see right through me I see right through me I see right through me 

this whole section about people seeing through you is also like “they know my secret they see right through me” like having a secret or facade up for people to see through is inherently gay as well.

i think taylor was going to come out in the lover era and abandoned that plan (more on that here) but the archer was about her fears of coming out.  i wrote a two-fold theory about the archer and peace here. which explores more into just how gay the song is.

[herondaleswrites]

beautiful disaster; an amestia playlist

Sweet creature, had another talk about where it's going wrong. But we're still young, we don't know where we're going, but we know where we belong.

i. do i wanna know? arctic monkeys // ii. someday nickelback // iii. feel again onerepublic // iv. drunk ed sheeran // v. the scientist coldplay // vi. behind those eyes 3 doors down // vii. creep radiohead // viii. sweet creature harry styles // ix. i found amber run x. she's in the rain the rose

Combat, I'm ready for combat, I say I don't want that, but what if I do? 'Cause cruelty wins in the movies, I've got a hundred thrown-out speeches I almost said to you.

xi. sad beautiful tragic taylor swift // xii. say something a great big world feat. christina aguilera // xiii. sirens cher lloyd // xiv. beautiful disaster kelly clarkson // xv. the only exception paramore // xvi. how you remind me nickelback // xvii. illicit affairs taylor swift // xviii. hardest of hearts florence and the machine // xix. war of hearts ruelle // xx. the archer taylor swift

[listen]

[loveisbraveandwild]

IVE GOT A HUNDRED THROWN OUT SPEECHES I ALMOST SAID TO YOU

[fruiitycas]

Hello, I would love to know about the dtscu; can you please enlighten me? ❤️️

oh of course i love spreading the good word of our lord taylor swift. the dtscu refers to the “destiel taylor swift cinematic universe” and is a collection of songs that ms swift has written that I think directly apply to destiel (its okay ms swift i saw your lyrics you can come out as a destiel shipper). i also tag destiel edits that use taylor swift songs/lyrics to make a whole collection of works that ppl have made that combine t swift w destiel. 

this is the link to the playlist with all the destiel songs in my dtscu. (more details under the cut)

some notable additions to the playlist: 

dont blame me (Echoes, love your name inside my mind / Halo, hiding my obsession //  baby, for you, I would fall from grace / Just to touch your face //  Don't blame me, love made me crazy / If it doesn't, you ain't doin' it right / Lord, save me, my drug is my baby / I’d be usin' for the rest of my life)

peace (And you know that I'd swing with you for the fences / Sit with you in the trenches / Give you my wild, give you a child / Give you the silence that only comes when two people understand each other / Family that I chose now that I see your brother as my brother / Is it enough? / ‘Cause there's robbers to the east, clowns to the west / I’d give you my sunshine, give you my best / But the rain is always gonna come if you're standing with me / But I'm a fire and I'll keep your brittle heart warm / If your cascade ocean wave blues come / All these people think love's for show / But I would die for you in secret / The devil's in the details, but you got a friend in me / Would it be enough if I could never give you peace?)

false god (Remember how I said I'd die for you? // They say the road gets hard and you get lost when you're led by blind faith //  But we might just get away with it / Religion's in your lips / Even if it's a false god / We'd still worship / We might just get away with it / The altar is my hips / Even if it's a false god / We'd still worship this love)

sparks fly

safe and sound

ivy (How's one to know? / I’d meet you where the spirit meets the bones In a faith forgotten land / In from the snow / Your touch brought forth an incandescent glow Tarnished but so grand // Oh, goddamn / My pain fits in the palm of your freezing hand / Taking mine, but it's been promised to another / Oh, I can't / Stop you putting roots in my dreamland / My house of stone, your ivy grows / And now I'm covered in you // How's one to know? / I’d live and die for moments that we stole / On begged and borrowed time //  it's a war / It's the goddamn fight of my life / And you started it / You started it)

this love (In silent screams / In wildest dreams / I never dreamed of this // This love is good / This love is bad / This love is alive back from the dead / These hands had to let it go free, and This love came back to me / This love left a permanent mark / This love is glowing in the dark / These hands had to let it go free, and This love came back to me)

cowboy like me (You're a bandit like me / Eyes full of stars / Hustling for the good life / Never thought I'd meet you here / It could be love / We could be the way forward / And I know I'll pay for it / And the skeletons in both our closets / Plotted hard to mess this up // Now you hang from my lips Like the Gardens of Babylon / With your boots beneath my bed / Forever is the sweetest con / I’ve had some tricks up my sleeve / Takes one to know one / You're a cowboy like me / And I'm never gonna love again / I’m never gonna love again)

there are also notable subsections: 

The Divorce Arc:

i wish you would (I wish you would come back / Wish I'd never hung up the phone like I did / I wish you knew that / I’d never forget you as long as I'd live / And I wish you were right here, right now It's all good / I wish you would / I wish we could go back / And remember what we were fighting for / Wish you knew that / I miss you too much to be mad anymore)

my tears ricochet (I didn't have it in myself to go with grace / ‘Cause when I'd fight, you used to tell me I was brave / And if I'm dead to you, why are you at the wake? / Cursing my name, wishing I stayed / Look at how my tears ricochet / And I can go anywhere I want / Anywhere I want, just not home / And you can aim for my heart, go for blood / But you would still miss me in your bones / And I still talk to you when I'm screaming at the sky)

i almost do (And I just wanna tell you / It takes everything in me, not to call you / And I wish I could run to you / And I hope / you know that every time I don't / I almost do)

all you had to do was stay

death by a thousand cuts

story of us (This is looking like a contest / Of who can act like they care less / But I liked it better when you were on my side // Now I'm standing alone in a crowded room / And we're not speaking / And I'm dying to know / Is it killing you like it's killing me? // And the story of us looks a lot like a tragedy now)

the other side of the door (tell me why you couldn't see That when I left I wanted you to chase after me? / I said leave but all I really want is you / To stand outside my window, throwing pebbles, screaming I'm in love with you / Wait there in the pourin' rain, come back for more / And don't you leave 'cause I know all I need is on The other side of the door)

come back…be here (this is when the feeling sinks in, I dont wanna miss you like this / Come back… be here)

The Widower arc/ Post 15x18:

haunted ( I know, I just know You're not gone, you can't be gone, no // Come on, come on, don't leave me like this / I thought I had you figured out / Can't breathe whenever you're gone / Can't go back, I'm haunted / You and I walk a fragile line / I have known it all this time)

marjorie (What died didn't stay dead / You're alive, you're alive in my head / What died didn't stay dead //  You're alive, so alive //  If I didn't know better / I’d think you were still around / I know better / But I still feel you all around / I know better / But you're still around)

Cas to Dean:

tied together with a smile (no one knows / That you cry; but you don't tell anyone / That you might not be the golden one / And you're tied together with a smile / But you're coming undone // I guess it's true that love was all you wanted / ‘Cause you're givin' it away like it's extra change / Hoping it will end up in his pocket)

innocent (Wasn't it beautiful when you believed in everything / And everybody believed in you? / It's alright, just wait and see / Your string of lights is still bright to me / Oh, who you are is not where you've been / You're still an innocent //  Did some things you can't speak of / But at night you live it all again)

enchanted (This is me praying that this was the very first page / Not where the story line ends / My thoughts will echo your name, until I see you again / These are the words I held back, as I was leaving too soon/ I was enchanted to meet you)

everything has changed (all ive seen since 18 hrs ago is green eyes and freckles and your smile in the back of my mind making me feel like i just wanna know you better now)

mirrorball(Hush / I know they said the end is near / But I'm still on my tallest tiptoes / Spinning in my highest heels, love / Shining just for you //  I'm still a believer but I don't know why / I've never been a natural / All I do is try, try, try / I’m still on that trapeze / I’m still trying everything / To keep you looking at me )

Dean to Cas:

untouchable (I know you're saying / That you'd be here  / But you're Untouchable / burning Brighter than the sun / Now that you're close / I feel like coming undone)

mine (You learn my secrets and you figure out why I'm guarded / You say we'll never make my parents' mistakes // Do you remember, we were sittin' there, by the water? / You put your arm around me, for the first time / You made a rebel of a careless man's careful daughter / You are the best thing, that's ever been mine )

state of grace (So you were never a saint / And I've loved in shades of wrong / We learn to live with the pain / Mosaic broken hearts / But this love is brave and wild / And I never saw you coming / And I'll never be the same)

this is me trying (This is very specifically The Trap!Dean) (Pulled the car off the road to the lookout / Could've followed my fears all the way down / And maybe I don't quite know what to say / But I'm here in your doorway / I just wanted you to know / That this is me trying / I just wanted you to know / That this is me trying / They told me all of my cages were mental / So I got wasted like all my potential / And my words shoot to kill when I'm mad / I have a lot of regrets about that)

the archer (Combat, I'm ready for combat / I say I don't want that, but what if I do? / ‘Cause cruelty wins in the movies / I’ve got a hundred thrown-out speeches I almost said to you  // And all of my heroes die all alone / Help me hold onto you / I've been the archer / I’ve been the prey / Screaming, who could ever leave me, darling? / But who could stay? // Who could stay? / You could stay)