#Imposter Syndrome TMA

[trosebud]

Finally did another chapter of Imposter Syndrome! Chapter 8 will be posted here! https://archiveofourown.org/works/53711626

[poognus-fartchives]

Apologies for the lack of updates. I was assigned to investigate a statement, and have been busy with that.

More specifically, the statement will be pasted here as it was given to me. My further research is rather classified, but the background is not. Let it begin:

The following is a transcript from a report sent in under the name “John Tomassin” on January 3rd, 2019.

“Mike was always so ambitious, and yet so quiet. He was the only person I knew who could start a major project one day and finish it within the week. However, he was always so humble about his accomplishments- when he showed me his sculptures, all he said was “just in a day’s work”. So when I heard that the area’s art gallery was looking for a resident sculptor, I knew Mike would be a perfect fit. 

When I told him to apply for the position, he was taken aback. He said he couldn’t do it, and that there were other much more qualified people who should have the position instead. I insisted, however, and pretty soon he was driving over to the gallery with some of his best pieces in tow. He reacted strangely to getting the position. I could tell he was excited, but he clearly felt as if he had somehow cheated in the application process- as if it wasn’t really his work he submitted, but that of another. Nevertheless, he sent several of his works to be put on display in the gallery, and began working on new ones specifically for his new job. 

He had never made money from his sculptures before. Even though he got offers from people almost weekly, he always said that the joy of creation was enough for him. When he began being paid for his works, and even being properly commissioned, a part of him changed. We met up for lunch about a month after he began selling his works to the gallery and he was so eager to show off his newfound wealth that he insisted on paying the full bill. He talked about what he was working on during the entire meal and seemed much more passionate about his sculpting. Just as I was leaving, he mentioned a “special project” he was working on. His intonation was… strange. It was spoken in an excited whisper, as if he was planning a crime and very excited about it. When I asked for more information, all he said was “You’ll see me.”

We didn’t talk much after that. It was nothing out of the ordinary, and his Facebook was still updating. I just figured he was occupied with his work. A few months passed like this- both of us were busy, so we didn’t talk much. Even when he was barely a part of my life, I couldn’t get his “special project” out of my head. There had been a dissonance when he said it. While his voice was excited, his face had been much the opposite. He almost seemed to be in mourning- dreading his project even when he sounded thrilled for it to be happening. When he went silent on social media for a bit, I grew suspicious. Had it actually been something illegal or dangerous? 

Out of the blue, I received a text from Mike. Just four words, after a month of radio silence. “It’s finished- come see.” 

I knew immediately what he was talking about. 

When I arrived at his house, I was surprised to find italmost, but not entirely, normal. Despite his disappearance, every part of his (admittedly small) yard was perfectly maintained, and his house’s exterior seemed spotless. The only thing that told me something wasn’t right was his windows- they were black. Not unlit, or covered in a curtain. No, they were painted black. 

As I got closer, I saw a few other odd details: some shingles from the roof had been removed, and parts of the lawn had flattened grass, as if something had been lying there and only recently removed. An old tree to the side of the house had been cut down unusually close to the ground, and not even leaves remained. Finally, as I got up to the door, I noticed it was slightly ajar. Bracing myself, and getting my phone’s light ready, I stepped up and knocked gently. It opened, with a creak that didn’t match the spotless hinges. 

I took a tentative step inside Mike’s living room, and was met with sculptures. There must have been at least two dozen statues of people. You have to understand that while Mike was good at sculptures, he’d never made any of people. Sure, he featured anatomy in his works frequently, and several times he’d tried to make realistic hands and busts, and other things of that sort. A whole person, however, was either beyond his range of skill, or more likely beyond his range of interest. Seeing these statues then was quite unnerving. They were made of all sorts of materials- I saw where the shingles had gone, and it seemed Mike had used most of his furniture in these works as well. The statues got more realistic as they went, but they all had something off about them. One had its eyes too wide apart, while another had overly long fingers. A few were asymmetrical, while one was too symmetrical. A few were clearly of the same subject, but all had slight differences in the shape of the arms and face. Some were more obvious than others. One was lanky, as if a normal person had been stretched out. One had the chest on backwards, while another had no head. One had two noses and my haircut. Some were like Frankenstein1- all the parts cannibalized from other works. Many had pieces of fabric on them- hats and coats, simpler pieces of clothing. The room was so full of Mike’s creations that I barely had anywhere to walk. 

There was no furniture in the room, and the lights seemed to have been disconnected. Even without any light to show dirt, the room was obviously perfectly clean. Every sculpture was entirely free of dust, and the carpet was nearly undisturbed. I say nearly, because there was one line of disturbed carpet. The line went through the room, as if something had been dragged, and following it I found a doorway which I hadn’t noticed before. 

This new room was dark. Extremely dark. No windows, nor connections to other better lit rooms. It looked like there wasn’t even a light to be turned on. 

You know how you can sometimes tell when something is in a room with you? How the hair on your arms stands on end and you get twitchy? This was one of those times. Even though the whole house was perfectly silent, I could tell that I was not alone. Fumbling with my phone flashlight, I nearly dropped it, but got it to turn on. 

The room was full of them.

Imperfect, just like in the living room, but more than that. These sculptures were unfinished- all of them missing pieces, or having blocks of material yet to be carved into hands or heads or hearts. The statues were all facing toward the center of the room, like worshippers around their god. In the center was Mike, and also Mike. He had created a self-portrait, perfect in every detail. The clothes were nearly the same, and the hair was perfect. The eyes on both shone in just the same way under my flashlight. It might have been the light, but I couldn’t tell which one was real, until Mike moved. He turned to look at me, shifting his gaze from his creation. He said three words. Nothing more.

“You have seen.”

But the words didn’t come from his mouth- they came from lips inches away from his own.

Then, Mike moved.

The one which had actually spoken. 

What I thought had been a sculpture was Mike. In unison, the unfinished works started moving- shifting their gaze from their creator to me. It was then that I noticed a crimson stain on the shirt of the Mike who had looked at me, and a wooden arm placed through the chest that shirt covered. 

As Mike’s corpse fell- the real Mike, waxy with death, tools still in hand- I backed up, followed by the unblinking gaze of Mike’s unfinished works. As I backed into the living room, I bumped into a sculpture, and I felt its hand- cold and soft as satin- grip my arm. I turned around and managed to wrench my arm out of its grip. 

As you can tell by my presence here, I got out. The last thing I saw before closing the door was a sculpture taking a step toward me. It was dressed just like my mailman, and had his mustache. In fact, the only thing off was its fingers- there were 6 on each hand. 

In the days since, I’ve seen Mike’s creations walking about. My coffee is mixed by someone with an eyeless face. At the library, someone with arms too long for its body stamps my books. My mail is delivered by a six-fingered hand. And I knew every single one of them, before they were replaced. Mike’s creations are getting closer and closer. Yesterday I saw my neighbor, and noticed that his body was perfectly symmetrical- even the scar he got last year was mirrored. I don’t know how much longer it will be until I am replaced as well. “

A week after the statement was given, we sought a follow-up. When we arrived at the address of John Tomassin, we were greeted by him. When asked about his experience, he wrinkled his nose and said he didn’t remember giving such a statement. We thanked him for his time, and went on our way. Just before he closed the door, he blew both his noses.

As I said before, my added research is not shareable at the current moment. However, if I am able to, I will share it eventually.

[cult-of-the-eye]

have any really specific tma hcs you never shared?

Ooh let me think

I like to think Martin has a big extended family that live in a different country, I headcanon him as mixed polish and something else (maybe desi? Maybe white? Either way I love it)

I'm such a lonely person in a huge extended family x lonely person in tiny family shipper and I think that applies to jmart

Jon was absolutely a gifted kid I think

I think both Jon and Martin were let down by the education system in different ways, Martin because of his family circumstances and Jon because of his undiagnosed autism and gifted kid syndrome

I think Jon forgets to vote sometimes

Martin has worn the same outfit every single day to work before and felt weirdly soothed when Jon picked him up on it

Tim likes to tease Sasha by saying he doesn't believe in the moon

Jon is extremely gullible and will listen to pretty much anything you say if you say it in a certain way

(it's partly the autism and partly the fact that he's too exhausted to look any deeper into what people are saying to him)

(it's led to many shenanigans)

Martin has killed every plant he's ever owned

Sasha's favourite ice cream is double chocolate

Jon has always had imposter syndrome when it comes to his heritage and finds it hard to properly fit in but this cracks after he finds jurgen leitner and he just goes "...this is what happens when you work for an old white man...fucking white people"

Jon had read fanfic before

Martin has written fanfic before

The person Jon takes after most in terms of personality is his grandad

Basira is Bangladeshi and one time she just goes "ooff-o-re" and Jon immediately looks up and nods at her

(it's an exclamation of frustration)

Thanks for the ask!! I love a good excuse to think of headcanons

[thermodynamic-comedian]

I am of the opinion that Michael is a cooler character pre-distortion, and Helen is a cooler character post-distortion. Like the statement of Michael Shelley going to The Spirals ritual fucked me up, and the lingering affects of his previous character is interesting. But Helen is really cool, she's fascinating, funny, clever, hilarious and her motivations are really interesting. Before that she was a nobody real estate agent, and I believe Helen said she was a bit of a tory (I can't really remember I might be mixing up fanfiction for canon, it's been awhile since I listened to TMA)

valid take, personally i am extremely fascinated with helen richardson too. i really like the possible conversations to be had about her and the whole moral debate at the very core of tma. was she a worse person than jon for giving into avatarhood and embracing it fully? she took to being the distortion a lot more easily than i'd imagine michael shelley did, so what made her different from him? was she an inherently worse person from the start, or was she just unfortunate?

my personal interpretation of pre-distortion helen is just very. apathetic. lazy when it comes to morals. she took what she was taught as a child, and never bothered to challenge or deconstruct those ideals. she always took the easy route in life, and deep down, she resented herself for it, but never enough to actually change for the better.

she was an excellent and excessive liar, and probably the first person to experience completely correct and justified imposter syndrome. deep down, she never even felt like a real person.

the distortion is a more honest version of helen richardson than helen richardson herself ever could have been.

[ladyyellow-thegremlin]

What the TMA fear you kin the most says about you

The Eye: you’re a whump fan, aren’t you? So am I, no judgement; we can take unreasonable and unbridled glee in the suffering of fictional characters together. You’ve been to the darkest corners of the internet, and for your curiosity, you have been killed internally. Oh, and you love fictional suffering but you act like a little bitch if you even get so much as a stuffed nose.

The Dark: you’re probably a fan of weird-core/kid-core, and you’re pretty spooky. Basic, but not in a bland way, in the way that you are the core, the beginning, the monster that lurks in the shadows of everyone’s mind. You probably also have a thing for cults but that’s optional. You’ve got a great imagination.

The Web: you’re either a manipulative bastard, have been manipulated in the past, or have been manipulated in the past and as a result decided to learn the game and become a manipulative bastard. You’re also a theater kid, and I mean that derogatorily. If not literally, you still are in spirit. Sorry. You might also be a Melanie Martinez fan but that one’s optional.

The Spiral: You’re a Will Wood fan. You probably haven’t actually done any psychedelic drugs, but you still act like someone who has. You experienced hallucinations in middle school. You’ve also been gaslighted: like a lot. You’ve got mental problems but also extreme imposter syndrome that keeps you from actually seeking help. You’re also an annoying little bastard (affectionate), but that’s unrelated. It’s me by the way, I’m with you on this one; we’re in this twisted little labyrinth together.

The Stranger. Like the Web, you’re a theater kid. However, where the Web is one of those obnoxious Shakespeare kids, you’re into musicals just as much as Shakespeare and make no distinction between the intellectual quality of the two genres. You either love Hamilton or hate it with a passion: there is no in between. You also have incredible fashion sense, you slay every day. You’re also depressed from reading Russian literature for fun.

The Flesh: You’re a little too into cannibalism, and it’s concerning. Like, you’d never ACTUALLY kill and eat someone, but you think about it a lot, probably while listening to Sodikken. Either that or you’re a vegan.

The Slaughter: You’re either a war nerd, or you just really like gore. Your music taste is either amazing or an absolute cringe fest. Maybe both depending on your perspective.

The Buried: Maybe you just really like Hozier and the idea of lying in an open grave like the ultimate Victorian goth: in which case I can get behind you. However, if you come at me with that cave or worm people crap, get the hell away from me. Spelunking is something that only psychopaths do. Do not interact with me. I like the sky and the rain on my face thank you VERY much.

The Vast: you’re one of those people who sits outside during thunderstorms. Alternatively, you’re probably fascinated by the ocean and probably love sharks. You also have thalassophobia. You probably also had a space phase as a kid. It’s me by the way I’m this person.

The Lonely: you’re just a sad little guy. Just a pathetic little fella. You’ve got no idea how to handle your emotions, and so shove everything down where you don’t have to think about it. You’re also chronically online. Go touch some grass today, okay? I promise people aren’t that scary once you actually take the plunge and talk to them.

The Corruption: You’re either really into mushrooms and entomology and think daily about letting the forest floor claim you; in which case I am one of you and fully support what you’re doing; or you’re one of those people who refused to wear a mask during COVID, and you probably haven’t cleaned your room in years. That place is nasty, and at this point your house should probably just be burned.

The Desolation: two words: feminine rage. You listen to the crane wives and Florence and the Machine, and either are a scary tall intimidating woman who knows how to dispose of a body, or are in love with a scary tall intimidating woman who knows how to dispose of a body. The relationship is toxic. Seek help.

The Hunt: you’re either a furry or a therian, aren’t you? You’re either a young kid obsessed with Madelyn Mei, or an asshole cop… who’s also a closeted furry.

The End: you’re a tradgoth. You’re an incredibly chill and nice person, and I would kill to hang out with you (pun not intended). You probably wanted to be a mortician until you learned how much paperwork and bureaucracy was involved.

The Extinction: you’re probably a punk with an affinity for gas masks. Your music taste is fire, and you’re probably an environmentalist. You’re young, but you’ve got a purpose and nobody’s gonna stop you. Good luck, my friend.

[saltycaramals]

Day 1 of a new series ! AKA my gorgeous wife Crepe assigns people/characters a TMA fear with little knowledge of TMA and has never consumed the content, then I do the same except I eat all the content.

For the sake of this post, “domain” will stand for what fear would eat the shit out of them and avatar will stand for what we think they would be an avatar of.

Person 1: Miles Morales (AKA one of the best spidy men)

Crepe Assignments (Domain+Avatar):

Domain: The Spiral

Reason: “A lot of his story is involved around imposter syndrome, considering he came after the original Spiderman and was quickly thrust into an environment he didn’t understand and had to quickly adapt to. The spirals lack of solidity would get to him, especially with into the spider verse Miles.”

Avatar: The Eye

Reason: “A big part of being a superhero is keeping your identity hidden, especially as Spiderman that’s a huge part of his identity. A Spiderman can be a part of not any one thing, his identity involves the people around him such as his family and cops, and he almost has to hide them as well in a way. Oh, and The Daily Bugle. Everything he does is watched by others and in doing so he also has to watch others and himself. Spiderman can be scary if he wants to be, and miles hasn’t really grown into those shoes yet. Also he can turn invisible.”

Salty Assignments (Domain+Avatar):

I agree I agree I agree I agree I agree I agreee I agree (me agreeing with my wife ^^^^^^) BUT ALSO… dun dun dun

Domain: The Web

Reason: “Spwider… I think he hates controlling people who don’t properly explain themselves/think of others when trying to control the outcome of a situation and think solely on the end game. Aka Miguel. I think he would surely hate and fear the web simply because it would remind him of Miguel.”

Avatar: The Hunt

Reason: “I think he would fall easily to the hunt, he is the kind of guy to continuously look for new ways to save people and fails at that sometimes, and that gets to him. I think if you told him there was something that could save everyone and you had ample proof of it he would search for it forever. Aka that motherfucker would get stuck in a hunt loop sooo easily, and he would encourage others to follow in his footsteps to try and save people, making them inadvertently join the hunt.”

Thank you for your time everypony! 🌞

Until the next moon blooms…

[phynoma]

Oh hi!

I'm Phyn! I write things. I'm not going to get into a bunch of identity stuff, but I'm queer, I'm an adult, and I like writing queer adult stuff. Mostly horror (see: queer) and absurdity (see: the world)

I have degrees in english, theology, and more theology, which just means I have a bunch of experience doing critical thinking and analysis of storytelling, and enough imposter syndrome that I don't know how to put that on a resume.

FANDOMS!

If you're already following me it's probably for Pillars of Eternity, TMA, or LOTR/Silmarillion. I cycle through hyperfixations every few years. It's still TMA/TMAGP right now. You can find my TMAGP sideblog here, where I just collect art.

Other things I like: Fallen London, everything by Pia Foxhall/not_poignant, re:dracula, SILT VERSES, Rivers of London, Murderbot, Critical Role, Saga, Wicked+Divine, anything by Neil Gaiman, I Am in Eskew, norse myths, egyptian myths, jewish myths, the dragonlance books (don't judge me they were foundational), pretty much everything Mike Flanagan makes, and much much more

WRITING!

I'm on ao3 as Phynoma! What do I write? Well. I write in-depth explorations of characters placed in harrowing situations which draw out the very inmost parts of their vulnerabilities and--

Smut. I write smut, okay?

Almost all of these fics are explicit and PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF GOD mind the tags, I am *very* careful with my tagging for good reason!!!!

HERE YA GO, YA FILTHY ANIMALS!

The Magnus Archives:

I mentioned this is my current fixation, right?

an extant form of life: pollen fic! You could say, maybe, that the Consuming AU uses pollen tropes, but I'm counting this as my first-ever pollen fic. Jon/Tim, Jon/Martin, maybe Jon/Tim/Martin, we'll see if Sasha gets thrown in there. Ongoing.

Hey, Jude: A hurt/comfort fic about what happened after Jon shook Jude Perry's hand. Jon & Georgie & the kindness of strangers (not those strangers) Oneshot.

The Consuming AU: My pride and joy. My baby. I started this halfway through listening to TMA the first time and finished the original fic in about two months in time for the Rusty Quill Big Bang of 2023. Canon is basically the same, with the addition of "what if there was a Entity of Hunger, (fear of) Intimacy, and Codependence?" Also Jon is turning into a succubus. Main fic is complete at a little over 100k words. Sometimes I add one-shots to the series.

~Incredible bookbinding done by @bluejayblueskies HERE ~Art of human-looking Rhia (by me) HERE and commission of eldritch angel Rhia by @isbergillustration HERE ~Commission of Naadia by @dcartcorner HERE

Kittens & Kink AU: Fluffy Somewhere Else one-shots. Cat play. Mostly nonsexual kink. Oliver/Jon/Martin. Ongoing, until I get bored of it, basically.

Pillars of Eternity:

The In-Between Series: A series of fics following the relationship of Watcher Mirad and Aloth Corfiser, ten years or so after the events of Deadfire. The world of Eora is ripe for a new cataclysm, and these two elves are trying to finally have the relationship they've been dancing around for two decades. Ongoing, on hiatus as my hyperfixation is elsewhere. I do plan to finish it, though.

Moments: same universe and characters as above, focusing more on events that happen in canon-- ie, during gameplay. Complete.

Faetales:

Mat & Kal: Fae AU: You know how sometimes you keep writing characters and put them through a blender so many times that they just become something completely new? That's this AU. Mateo and Makalo are two ancient fae beings trapped in the human world during the events of The Ice Plague (by not_poignant) who become bound by each others' lives and deaths. They hate each other, they love each other, they're in weird psychosexual sadistic codependency with each other. They're a cat-person and a snake-person. I'm not a furry but I like some of their ideas, okay? Series complete.

See commissioned art of Mat & Kal by @shojoshark HERE

The Silmarillion:

Mistakes Were Made: Imma be real, this is just straight up torture porn. Sauron is punished by Morgoth after the loss of the Silmaril to Beren & Luthien. Basically, I was annoyed by all the fluffy Angbang fics I was reading and wanted to depict them in all their horrifying, codependent glory. Complete.

Cost of Surrender: I read a really good fic about what it took for Mairon to grovel/debase himself to Eonwe to gain his freedom and I took it a bit further. Complete.

Good Omens:

the beautiful and the fitting: pretty sure the title of this is a quote from St. Augustine, too. I almost didn't include this one because I don't even remember what it's about. Fluffy sex times with nonsexual beings, I think. I started writing it because Good Omens is one of my favorite books, but tbh the fandom for the show exhausts me and I don't know if I'll come back to this. Abandoned, probably.

[whiskeylucciano]

I definitely should be working rn but im having dangan tma au thoughts so. i'm making that tumblr's problem

hajime is the mc, a regular guy with no life plans or friends who gets a job at the institute of hope (hpa but its focused on the research instead of the school) to have something to put on his CV. gets archivist-ed

he's a part of the junior department. its basically an internship program. the other members are -

murasame soshun : fellow regular guy ! no supernatural encounters yet but has an irrational fear of ghosts. the (unofficial) manager. helps hajime around to begin with and they get along well. probably the most mentally well in the group though he definitely overworks himself hard + puts other people's needs ahead of his own. depending on how i decide to have the story go, he gets lonely'd

fujisaki chihiro : tech support. bit of a recluse. in a constant battle to get anything in the archives recorded on something that isn't paper, so she ends up helping hajime in sorting the archives fairly often. not totally sure if i want her to end up as an avatar? if i did though it would probably be eye, flesh or spiral

gekkougahara miaya : ok she's here i haven't planned very far beyond that. i'm thinking she does a lot of the online research on statements? her and chihiro often work together on both of their jobs though. she probably stays human. i think nwp trio needs at least one human lol

matsuda yasuke : end avatar w/angsty backstory. love making my favs suffer. more of a forensic pathologist than a neurologist in this au, but just as self-taught. technically a part of the junior department but doesn't leave his office/lab area unless forced to.. which is mostly when the proper ioh workers need him for shit. soshun, chihiro and miaya visit him because they actually somewhat get along with him. hajime, however-

there's also their actual boss, kirigiri jin, and chisa/kyosuke/kouichi/etc work in the main part of the facility. juuzou exists but probably works elsewhere (probably as a cop or sth). jin is an eye avatar (+ probably kouichi too), kyosuke is a lonely avatar, im not certain about the rest yet. desolation juuzou seems fitting i think?

i have some characters who i want to have join the archival team later in the story but i also haven't planned most of that story yet so. lol. sato joins after an end encounter (twilight syndrome murder case-adjacent, kuzuryuus are end-aligned). i'm not sure if shinobu gets employed there but. she's a journalist ! she has connections ! just don't worry about her family i'm sure there's nothing weird happening there (togami corp is buried-aligned, but shinobu is eye-aligned if anything). nagito isn't an archival assistant but he's a vast avatar, and the first avatar that hajime knowingly interacts with. he collects leitners and provides info to hajime but he's also kind of a prick. he still self-depreciates he just also kinda worships the fears and considers all human life worthless. and he doesn't THINK he's being that rude but wow this hajime guy sure is sure of himself better remind him of his (unimportant) place in the universe. also he's very much rooting for the guys carrying out the fear rituals so thats fun.

+ you can't forget the former archivist, who had to be kirigiri kyouko. who else would it be. born to the kirigiris who run their own eye-aligned info-gathering organisation (their detective agency), and mostly raised by fuhito to be the heir of it. befriends samidare yui in a way basically the same as in dr kirigiri (but with more . supernatural crimes), and over time comes to question her family's dealings with the fears. comes to the institute of hope to figure out what happened to jin, but leaves mysteriously w/yui and nobody has heard from them since.

and thats it for the main cast ! there's other characters i have plans for (i have an imposter statement planned, and i want sayaka to start a stranger ritual... junko is also important i'm just not 100% sure how im going to handle her part in the story and how much of what i have planned i want to put in a summary post. and so on)

maybe i'll actually write some of this as a fic later. Who knows

[lettucedloophole]

Recently I realized that I might be a lesbian and not bi. I feel more at home with the lesbian lable, I literally consider it a very big part of my identity. But the thing that's stopping me is the terf ideology. I'm an ex terf and no matter how much I try I just can't seem to get those terf ideas out of my head. So whenever I try to call myself a lesbian there's always a little terf inside of my head calling me a fakebian (fake lesbian) and spewing other transphobic bs.

the first thing i can think to ask yourself is, why are you an ex-terf? did you just find it vaguely "toxic" and wanted to start being kinder to yourself or trans people? it is toxic, and wanting to be kinder to yourself or others isn't bad, but you can't rely on good vibes to sustain yourself. you have to deconstruct what you believed.

transphobia and transmisogyny are something ingrained not only in terf spaces but society from the moment you're born, so it follows that you'd have difficulty unpacking these things. but now that you've been in the deep end of transphobia, you can take that opportunity to dissect what exactly was so disturbing and wrong about those spaces. that reactionary voice in your head isn't something your stuck with, it's a result of ignorance and conditioning so educating yourself and pushing back against the narratives you've been fed will resolve it.

you should do this not only for trans women and other trans people but yourself. i'm not sure if you're tma or tme, or why exactly you feel like you're not a real lesbian, so i can't provide help on that specifically. terf spaces will definitely give you a lot of reasons to feel like you're an imposter to lesbianism, but you saying you feel more at home in lesbianism makes it sound like you're a lesbian to me. there's valid reasons to be protective of lesbianism but it needs to be balanced out or it quickly becomes reactionary. sexuality is just not a very concrete thing. these are all social constructs we're navigating and there's pros to being more open with identification just as there's cons.

i know that last bit is really vague lol, but i can't say i have much of a particular opinion on lesbian discourse or who can be a lesbian as a bi person. one thing i'll say is that i think deconstructing transphobic ideas can help with lesbian imposter syndrome- something a friend said that stuck with me is that she chose to be trans, so that's obviously pretty far removed from the narrative that transness is like, a medical condition you're born with or something. sexuality is not often viewed as an aspiration, but something you are. i think there could be a benefit to seeing it as both, however, and it could create more space for people who feel afraid that they're trespassing on lesbianism. i think as long as you're not dating cis men... ease up on yourself 🙏

[welcometogrouchland]

uh. annabelle 69. or sasha 26.

[ID: two drawings depicting characters from the magnus archives. The first image is a depiction of 197 featuring Annabelle Cane, Jon and Basira. Jon and Basira are in the foreground, depicted as faceless. They are facing towards Annabelle, who's depicted as looming large over her surroundings, casting a shadow, with a bright smile on her face, hands folded next to each other. She has two extra arms and four extra eyes. The background is an abstract depiction of the crack in reality at hiltop road, featuring martin stuck to a large web, a purple sky with a red, eye shapes light source behind Annabelle's head. Lyrics to "rumours" by Lizzo are written: above Annabelle they read "All the rumors are true, yeah/What ya' heard, that's true, yeah". the ones below her read "sick of rumours/but haters do what they do (uh)/all the rumours are true, yeah/cause all the rumours are true, yeah/NDA, no loose lips".

The second image shows Sasha, Jon and Tim in season 1. Tim and Jon are separated into two different panels at the top of the page with the bottom half being taken up by Sasha. Jon's panel has a green background with harsh black shadows. Jon is depicted with multiple eyes instead of a face and he is holding a tape recorder in his hand. Tim's background is red with both sparkles, eyes like Jon's floating around him, a theatre mask behind him, and harsh black shadows. He is smiling in profile. At the bottom Sasha is depicted with a question mark for a face and ghostly, sharp fingered hands on her shoulders, looking straight at us. The background is a light yellow and lyrics from "more like you" by Orla Gartland are featured. Near Jon the lyrics "I love the way you sing/Oh, I've been tryna copy every word you say" are written. Near time the lyrics written are "I love the way you think/You have this way of knowing it'll be okay". Near Sasha the lyrics read "All this feeling second best/It's got me by the throat" and "maybe I won't wish that I was someone else". End ID]

69- rumours by Lizzo feat. Cardi B

26- More Like You by Orla Gartland

Again it was a bit of a stretch matching characters to lyrics but tbh I kinda had fun with this. Annabelle gets a smug villain song and Sasha wonders how content she is with the "reliable nerd" persona compared to other possible ones...

[the-kestrels-feather]

TW FOR ACE EXCLUSION/APHOBIA

Imagine liking TMA, a show with an Asexual lead, while being a FUCKING exclusionist, and making a chat specifically for TMA Fans who are exclusionists

[eyes-inthe-dark]

OK CAN I RANT ABOUT THE NEW TMA EPISODE???

Yes ok so spoilers ahead, obviously

Ok so when I heard it was a mental hospital I sighed internally and thought "oh well here we go, crazy people are scary, we get it" AND THEN IT WAS SO COMPLETELY THE OPPOSITE OF THAT OH MY GOD

So as someone who struggles with stuff like that sometimes (I don't have it bad but I have to remind myself that it's just my head making things seem worse than they are sometimes, especially anxiety-wise) I was TERRIFIED but like, in a good way. You know, the way a horror story is supposed to make you feel.

I am so thankful for this approach, it shows people that are struggling that it really is just a fear, that it is just as valid as other fears AND it gives people who don't personally struggle/are affected by mental illness a glance at what it's like when your own head tells you shit like that and why some are so afraid to even get a diagnosis, in fear of it actually being nothing wrong and that's just how life is and there's nothing you can do.

Ok I'm just really happy about this, i'll stop screaming about it in a while :)

[hauntedhotel]

Me, 90% of the time spent listening to tma season 1: Poor Jon! 🥺 Poor boy just needs a nap and a good meal and possibly a hug 🫂 His job is hard and his boss is a creep and his predecessor is missing/died in mysterious circumstances and left a huge mess for him to clear up and the imposter syndrome is making him stress himself into a nervous breakdown and I just want him to have a nice day! 😭❤

Also me, any time he says anything slightly disparaging about Martin: stfu Jon 😠 Maybe I want the worms to eat you actually 😠😠

[cult-of-the-eye]

WAIT GUYS IT'S LIKE 1 AM AND I NEED TO SLEEP BUT OH MY GOD TMA COMMUNITY AU

Jon is abed nadir

Brown

Autistic

How much different is film making and an entrenched need to See and Know everything really?

Vaguely off putting

Gets bitches when he wants to

Listen abed is just college Jon, back when he was less traumatised

Evil abed would be Jon in like S4/5 I guess

Does that make Martin Troy Barnes????

It doesn't quite work cause Martin is neither athletic, nor a himbo and Troy wouldn't know how to use a kettle

I don't know

ELIAS IS DEAN PELTON. FUCK YEAH

GAY

(well pan technically but comes off as A Gay Man)

Tell me that when the jig is up and he's like ah caught them might as well enjoy tormenting them while I can, he wouldn't be a fucking nightmare boss dressing up in costumes

He'd be like how's my favourite archival team?????????

Low key evil and high key manipulative

But super pathetic in the end

Oh my god guys I'm so right

Sasha I think would be Britta

I know Britta was made fun of a lot for her feminist views and stuff but obviously nowadays those views are more accepted

She's got the same level of fierce determination and love for everyone around her, even if she doesn't go about it right

She would totally hack into somewhere if she could

Yeah it makes sense...sort of

Wait would Peter Lukas be pierce???

Old racist white man

Homophobic gay

Has a dynasty

Yeah

Tim could be Jeff I could maybe see that

THE RAGE

THE SUAVE

THE DADDY ISSUES

That one time where Jeff just

WAIT FUCK NO. JEFF ATTACKS A TABLE WITH AN AXE. HES JON.

Wait wait wait this makes a bit more sense

Cause Jeff cons his way into becoming a lawyer

He has huge imposter syndrome, he's faking it all

Just like Jon is

Except he's doing a better job

So imagine Jon if he had major daddy issues and a bit more charisma

They have the same level of not chill but desperately trying to cover it up

Like that one episode where pierce tries to find his dad

And he freaks the fuck out

That's such a Jon coded freaking out

He literally tears a magazine in half and then shrieks into mid air

YESSSSSSSSSSS ugh I'm such a genius

Also Jon and Elias relationship mirrors the deans and jeffs

Like the homoerotic favouritism guys

How the dean blackmails Jeff into doing karaoke with him OH MY GOD.

He only difference is the faked confidence and charisma, Jeff does it better

Oh my god wait is daisy fucking CHANG????

Insane

Murderous

Chang once chased a monkey through a vent

The hunt vibes

Or maybe chang is michael

They're both completely and utterly nonsensical

Just sort of appears and everyone is worse for it

Makes everyone's head hurt

I'm 10000% certain Chang has stabbed someone before and would do it again

Yeah that man is the most avatar of the spiral I've ever seen

Basira could be the sane security guard

Georgie is that one girl in season 6, the one who used to be a IT person

Melanie would be Annie I think, she's definitely murderous enough

This has GRIPPED me and will not let go.

[dickwheelie]

soooooooo. jongerrymartin star trek au. how about it. have a ridiculously long bulletpoint fic.

most of the jon/gerry stuff from this au is cribbed directly from the adira/grey storyline from disco so I can't take any credit there, the rest is somewhat original though

Jon is a human working in starfleet as a communications officer, though not on a starship; he doesn't seem like the type to enjoy flying, or dangerous missions, so he works at a station on Earth where he was born

he meets Gerry, a Trill bonded to a symbiont, who comes to Jon looking for communications information to do with his dead father

side note: I'm not entirely sure who Gerry's symbiont should be. I don't want it to be Gertrude or his mom or anything. maybe Tim and/or Sasha? unfortunately there aren't a ton of positive role models in TMA associated with Gerry, so this is something I'm open to suggestions on.

Jon is able to help Gerry track down info that basically proves his mom killed his dad. throughout this emotional process they grow closer and eventually fall in love, as you do

sometime later Gerry gets into a horrible accident. (maybe orchestrated by his mother?) Jon finds him barely holding on and, wanting to save Gerry and his symbiont, he becomes their new host, even though he's human. Gerry dies in his arms soon after.

in this act Jon loses his memories of Gerry and the events surrounding his death. he also isn't aware he's hosting Gerry and the symbiont, and continues on with his life as normal, though of course things get a little weird sometimes. he's sometimes struck with random bouts of strong emotions, negative and positive, which seem unfamiliar to him somehow, as though they're being experienced by someone else. he also gets flashes of unfamiliar memories - both his and Gerry's, and the symbiont's.

as Jon continues working at starfleet, he encounters Martin, another human who also works in communications, in a lower-level job. Jon isn't his boss but they do work in close quarters, and Jon often gets irritated with him for not putting things back in exactly the right spot or being too chatty instead of getting work done.

little does Jon know that Martin has never gone to starfleet academy but has managed to squeeze his way into this (for him) cushy office job. he's really worried this uptight Jon guy is going to find out he doesn't know what he's doing and blow his cover.

but to Martin's surprise, when Jon eventually finds out, he's relieved, because technically Jon isn't really qualified for his communications officer position either. he got his degree at starfleet academy in xenocultural literature, but somehow managed to land this high-level position that he feels completely unqualified for.

he and Martin bond over their mutual imposter syndrome, and, shocker, they fall in love too

of course, Jon doesn't remember Gerry at all, so he has no qualms about dating Martin at this point

here's where things start to get interesting

Jon's mood swings and emotional episodes get more frequent and more intense, and eventually he has some kind of breakthrough where he realizes that he's a human somehow hosting a symbiont.

Martin takes him to a Trill who explains to him what's going on and helps Jon connect with his symbiont. Jon meditates as instructed and meets the all the past Trill that he's hosting, going back centuries. finally, Gerry comes forward, approaching him almost cautiously and asks, maybe not sure of the answer, "do you remember me?"

it all comes rushing back to Jon. he remembers Gerry, and all the time they spent together, his death, the reason Jon became a host, how much he loves him. it's all so much, and tears spring to Jon's eyes, both in his mind and back in the real world, and he falls forward into Gerry's arms.

after their tearful reunion Gerry tells Jon he and the other hosts have to go, but he'll be with him from now on. with Jon's memories returned, he'll be able to communicate with Gerry, and all the past hosts through him, if their wisdom is ever needed. right before he disappears, Gerry whispers to Jon that he loves him, and Jon doesn't have to think about saying it back.

Jon wakes up in Martin's arms, who is worried because Jon is still tearful and a little disoriented. Jon tells Martin about Gerry and the past hosts and his memories returning, but leaves out the part about his and Gerry's relationship. he doesn't know how to tell Martin that now that he's remembered Gerry, he's found that he still loves him. how can you say that to another person you also very much love?

that night, back at their home with Martin asleep, Jon is supposed to be resting but can't sleep. he feels unbelievably guilty and torn. he loves Gerry so, so much, but he loves Martin just as much, and he doesn't know how to reconcile those two facts. he hates hiding his feelings for Gerry from Martin, and since Gerry is a part of him now, he already knows how Jon feels about Martin. he probably hates me, Jon thinks. I forgot about him and went off with someone else. and if I tell Martin, he'll probably think I don't need him anymore, because I have my first boyfriend back now after all these years, miraculously alive.

Jon has no idea what to do, except to confess the truth to Martin and ruin everything in the process. at one point during his sleepless night Gerry appears (as a projection, not a literal ghost), and Jon tearfully explains that he's sorry, but he doesn't want to let either of them go. he loves Martin too, but he still wants Gerry in his life, and he doesn't know how to fix this mess he's put them all in.

Gerry, very pragmatically, suggests he just tell Martin the truth and see how it goes. "you . . . don't mind?" says Jon. "you love Martin," Gerry says, with a shrug. "and you love me. both things can be true."

"but . . . but aren't you jealous?" Jon says. Gerry laughs. Jon has missed that laughter so much. "I think we're long past jealousy at this point," Gerry says. "these are . . . unusual circumstances. but if I'm honest, I think even if the three of us were just normal people, I still wouldn't be jealous of Martin. you love us both. I'm okay with that." Gerry grins. "remember, I'm in your mind, Jon. I can feel how much you love us. if you're not careful, I'll end up falling for Martin too."

Jon is still skeptical and anxious about telling Martin, but Gerry reminds him he'll be with him the whole time, if he needs him. Jon manages to get a bit of restless sleep, and the following morning, he gets up early. he sits impatiently on their living room sofa, bouncing his leg, as Gerry's projection leans against the wall in the corner. I'll have to get an armchair for him, Jon thinks. if Martin doesn't leave, that is. the thought sends another jolt of anxiety lacing through him.

eventually Martin wanders in sleepily from the bedroom, ready to chastise Jon for not sleeping in and getting his rest, but is surprised by Jon sitting waiting for him, his face clouded. Martin gets the distinct feeling they're about to have a tough conversation.

"are you alright?" Martin says at once, sitting down on the sofa next to him. he's careful to give Jon some space. "I'm . . ." Jon is about to say he's fine, but he won't condescend to Martin. "I'm awful, to be honest." "because of the Trill stuff yesterday?" "yes. well--yes and no. just--" Jon takes a deep breath. "there's something I didn't tell you."

haltingly, staring resolutely at a spot on the carpet, Jon explains everything to Martin. about Gerry, about their romantic relationship, his death, and his return. "I . . . I love him, Martin," Jon concludes, still avoiding Martin's gaze. "I loved him, and I still do. but--I love you, too, I love you so much, Martin, a-and I . . . I don't want to let either of you go. I know that's--selfish of me. I understand if you don't . . . if you're angry, or upset, or just don't . . . want to deal with all of this. Gerry is stuck with me, but you have the choice to leave, i-if you want." the words stick painfully in Jon's throat. he desperately doesn't want Martin to go. "I'm sorry. I wish . . . I wish I could fix all this, somehow. I just want you and Gerry to be happy. but I . . . I don't know how." he feels pulled, in two different directions, by the past and the present. by Gerry and Martin. perhaps it would be best for all of them if Gerry disappeared again, or if Martin walked out. less heartbreak, less pain, less--

he is surprised by a warm hand on his own. Jon looks up and sees Martin, leaning across the sofa, his face close to his. his expression is surprisingly serene. "you love us?" Martin asks gently.

"yes," Jon says at once. for a moment his eyes dart over to meet Gerry's, who smiles at him. "yes, I love you both, just the same."

"and you want both of us to stay?"

"yes," Jon murmurs.

"then I don't see a problem," Martin says. " 'cause I wanna stay, too." he leans forward and kisses Jon's cheek, and wraps him in a tight hug. Jon slumps against him, drained and relieved, not quite believing that Martin is still here, that he hasn't walked out, that he's okay with all of this.

a moment later, Jon opens his eyes and sees Gerry has come over, his projection sitting on the coffee table a few feet away with his elbows on his knees, a grin on his face. "see?" he says to Jon. "I told you so."

"yes, yes, no need to rub it in," Jon says, his voice muffled against Martin's jumper.

"what was that?" Martin says, pulling back. he doesn't see or hear Gerry, of course, and stares at Jon, eyes wide. "were you talking to . . . to Gerry just now?"

Jon nods. "he's . . . sitting on the coffee table next to you. being a little shit." he shoots Gerry a playful glare.

Martin starts, and whirls to face the table, searching for some sign of a person. he doesn't quite look in the right spot, but Gerry adjusts to face him. "Gerry?" Martin tries, speaking into open air. "are you . . . are you there?"

"I'm here," Gerry says, smiling at him bemusedly.

"he . . . he says he's there," Jon relays.

"oh! um, hi. hello. I'm, uh, I'm Martin. you probably, ah, know that. already." Martin clears his throat. "this is, um. this is weird."

Gerry barks a laugh. "you can say that again."

that seems to clear the air a bit, and with Jon as their go-between, Gerry and Martin get to know one another. surprisingly enough, they find they have more in common than just being with Jon; they both like cheesy horror movies, and even though Gerry's a Trill, he spent some time in his youth on Earth in northern England, where Martin grew up.

as they talk, and he translates, Jon feels his heart get lighter and lighter. never in a thousand years would he have expected this to go so well, and for Gerry and Martin to be getting along like this . . . he can't believe his luck.

eventually the conversation comes back around to Jon, and their unusual situation. "I . . . I think this could work," Martin says to Gerry. "I want this to work. for you, and for Jon."

"believe me, I feel the same way," Gerry says. he turns away from Martin, making eye contact with Jon and smiling. "he deserves at least that much."

Jon stammers as he translates. he wants to hug them both close, to let them know how much they both mean to him, how miraculous it is that they have both chosen to stay, that they love him enough to try this. he settles for hugging Martin and reaching out a hand to Gerry, who carefully places an incorporeal hand over his. seeing this, Martin reaches out a hand in Gerry's direction too, and Gerry laughs, and holds his hand as well.

they have more stuff to figure out down the line, of course. Gerry, being only visible to Jon, has to reconcile with his new existence as little more than a ghost. Martin has to figure out his feelings about Jon being technically closer to Gerry, and having more history with him. and Jon of course still has some residual guilt about forgetting Gerry. but they all try to make it work, and to bridge the gaps between them.

I'm not sure if it's part of star trek canon that a symbiont would be able to "take over" their host if allowed? like if Gerry would be able to speak or act through Jon's body if he let him. if that's possible I like to think that Jon trusts Gerry with his life, so he'd be willing to let him take the driver's seat for a little bit to get to talk to Martin while Jon was absent. that way Jon could give them some privacy.

and in the future, I think they could probably use a portable holoemitter, like the EMH used in Voyager, for Gerry so he could move around and interact with the world. since Grey from disco can exist in a holodeck, that seems to me the best way to go about giving Gerry some agency and independence apart from Jon.

anyway those are my thoughts on this AU, I don't think I'll ever turn it into a full fic so I wanted to share what I had. hope this was somewhat fun to read and that I didn't mess up the lore too badly!

[buggiebeestuff]

My headcanons for what Tma characters deal with

Jon: POTS, EDS, Anxiety, ADHD, Autism, Gender dysphoria, perfectionism, Dermotilliomania, severe arachnophobia, Survivors guilt, imposter syndrome, chronic migranes, PTSD

Martin: Autism, body dysmorphia, sensory issues, ADHD, stutter, gender dysphoria, depression, anxiety, Survivors guilt, imposter syndrome, PTSD, Asthma