#It’s also like uhh the trauma etc etc

[nerefee]

in a last desperate ditch effort I signed up for a course on ancient greek to resuscitate my love for studying

[lunarharp]

when an obsessed orufrey person plays ace attorney for the first time in a while

[gumbootillustrations]

laurance's ref sheet!! it only took me a month and two different versions to finish lol

but yeah. backstory, lore, closeups, etc under the cut :3

laurance is the adopted son of hayden zvahl, a blacksmith, and joh zvahl, a jeweller, and grew up in meteli alongside his adoptive sister cadenza. cad's the reason why his hair is bright red when aph meets him en route to scaleswind - he's been dyeing it this colour since he was young so that he and cadenza could match and look more like siblings. as such, much of his colour scheme is based around soft reds and oranges, with some golds thrown in. additionally, his earrings (although u can't really see them here) were made by joh, alongside most of his other jewellery, before joh passed away a couple of years prior to aph showing up outside of phoenix drop. his armour is also a lot lighter than garroth and katelyn's due to his fighting style prioritising speed and mobility over strength and endurance - that, and the fact that he works around water a lot and can't let metal weigh him down too much.

after ungrth drags him out of the nether, laurance's colour scheme undergoes a major change - instead of being based around reds and golds, it shifts to be focused around greens and browns. laurance also dyes his hair back to its natural colour (brown), and due to the trauma of being forced through the realm barrier (and having his eyes cut out multiple times by gene), his eyes fade to a pale, milky green. there are other physical changes that come with being turned as well - his nails turn into talons, his ears become pointed, and, due to his now-undead nature, his heart stops beating. he also loses the need to breathe, although he keeps doing so to keep up the facade of being human (he really doesn't want to acknowledge the fact that he's undead now). however, around the start of season three (right before the main cast makes the trip to tu'la), he decides to dye his hair red again and return to the reds and golds that he loves (something something "reclaiming his fire" something something). it also doesn't help that his hair has started growing in a bright copper ever since they returned from o'khasis and xavier's relic had gone missing. surely these events can't be connected

not too many comments about laurance's out-of-armour/casual/tu'la arc outfit. his eyesight's dogshit now (due to the aforementioned events surrounding his turning n escape from the nether) so he technically needs glasses, but he never wears them unless someone (usually garroth) tells him to.

with laurance's shadow knight form, i rlly wanted to showcase how unnatural it is to him. it's big, and bulky, and covered in spikes n shit - it's entirely antithetical to laurance and his fighting style. personally, i think that a shadow knight's armour adapts to their fighting style and personality over time, but because laurance like. never uses this form it doesn't get the chance to adapt to him, although i added in a doodle of what his form might've evolved to look like had he used it more often.

uhh shadow knight lore stuff. shad is a psychopomp - at least, the fragment of his soul/essence/whatever that didn't get totally fucked up by the void is. however, the shadow lord (aka the fragment of shads soul/essence/whatever that did) tends to snatch souls that either a) die in the nether (like laurance n sasha) or b) are deemed to be useful to his cause of destroying irene (like gene and vylad) to make into shadow knights. different things play into how powerful a shadow knight is - gene, being part-mer'ai, being a descendant of kul'zak, and having memory manipulation magicks, is pretty powerful already, but when he's made into a death knell (aka a general in the shadow lord's army) his power can pretty much rival a relic wielder. laurance mayyyybe could've become a death knell if he wanted to, but unfortunately he has a stupid strong sense of justice so uh. yeah.

all shadow knights do get a boon from the shadow lord - it usually reflects their personality, their soul, or their past, and it always centres around blood, fire, or shadows (or a mix of some or all of these - for example, zenix's boon is that his blood essentially acts like napalm). laurance's reflects his childhood in meteli, a town built in a saltmarsh/estuary - his blood is stupid acidic (like acidic enough to melt through flesh, bone, and metal if he's not careful). however, for a long time, he assumes that his boon is being able to alter the temperature of metal (as sasha has told him that all shadow knight's blood is poisonous on some level - he just doesn't know that his blood is particularly poisonous) until vylad tells him that it probably isn't metal related.

uhh more lore stuff - this time regarding xavier, his relic, and plot stuff.

zane absorbs xavier's relic (sort of unwillingly?? like he wants power, and he wants to try and push back against his father's influence, but if he's being honest he would've preferred to take on esmund's relic (which is missing. weird.) but beggars can't be choosers so eh it's whatever), but because not everyone can wield a relic and not every relic can be wielded by every relic-wielder it sort of starts to eat away at his soul and fuck him up. this leads to the climactic battle of s1 in irene's cathedral dimension, which ends when garroth (who gets possessed by esmund's relic) kills zane by ripping xavier's relic out of him. when they get back to the overworld and realise what exactly that weird fuckoff hunk of metal that garroth yanked out of zane's chest is, they decide to give it to garroth for safe keeping - only for the relic to go missing when the main cast breaks into an occupied o'khasis to rescue zianna, although they don't realise it until they return home to phoenix drop. it's around this time that laurance travels to new meteli to catch up with cadenza and get her to dye his hair orange again, only for cadenza to discover that his hair is growing in a bright copper. they... sort of brush this off as a weird shadow knight biology thing until laurance gets into a fistfight with gene and transforms for the first time. it's a bit of a mess but hey we got there in the end.

but yeah i decided to tweak his design a lil bit from my lineup of the second war of the magi's divine warriors because i wasn't suuper happy w how his chestplate turned out n i wanted to tutu w it a bit.

anyway. laurance's ref sheet is fucking finally done. the next ref sheet will probs be either katelyns or an updated ref sheet for garroth since ive tinkered w his protector form a Lot and i probs need to add in a cold weather outfit (laurance doesnt need one bc shadow knights r weird n basically space heaters anyway) and his juror form.

as always, let me know if u have any questions!! :D

[lizzardthing]

uhm uhh i started talking about this and then i thought about it too much so i’m writing a post now about dethklok members and their childhood trauma and what it means to me yeah ok sorry it’s long, tw for basically like everything i guess

I really like how aside from animals and forces of evil and stuff each of the boys represent a very specific kind of childhood trauma that makes fucked up adults. And it’s not super explicit in the show but yeah we get into it.

First of all, Pickles is smart. And his entire problem is he’s too damn smart for his surroundings. He’s not book smart or school smart. His family has this plan lined up for him- you go to school, you get a job, you get married etc because that’s what NORMAL people do. But he’s not normal and that makes him not good enough. He’s not an addict because he’s stupid, he’s an addict because the kind of intelligence he has isn’t valued by his family or community, he’s a middle class midwestern average looking guy. He’s supposed to follow a set of rules. Being able to play basically any instrument? That’s not a VALUABLE skill. So he drinks. Cause that’s what you do in suburban hell, when there’s nothing left to do. And in Dethklok, the reason he finds true family is because they’re the ones that tell him in their stupid way, fuck that! We think you’re fucking smart! It doesn’t matter if you’re not good enough for those normie douchebags. You’re good enough for US. Fuck those assholes. You are valuable. I think Pickles represents people that were really devalued their whole lives because they were in the wrong place, with narrow-minded people. If you’re in his shoes, you need to remember, you do have value. You just need to find the family that sees that in you. You aren’t nothing. You matter.

Toki obviously has a lot of religious trauma, but also isolation. He’s made to believe from the beginning, it’s your job to serve. You will NEVER be important. You’re a worker. You lift heavy stuff. You organize. You pray. You lay down and take it because it’s what you deserve. You aren’t god, so you don’t deserve love. You should be seen and not heard. You should be invisible. And he’s so desperate to escape it that he never really gets to be a kid. He’s just a workhorse, and being childish or having fun is something that he can only do in secret, ashamed, his personality just stuffed down as small as possible. And when he finds Dethklok, this family that bullies him, yeah, but they LAUGH while they’re doing it, and they call him lazy, but yeah, they’re lazy too, he just. Wants to be a kid again. And then after he’s kidnapped he fully regresses because that experience fully threw him back in the hole he crawled out of, unexpectedly, back to the place where he feels he should be punished just for existing. He’s a good representation of how exhausting it is to be forced to be an adult before you’re ready. How much people don’t realize they should value their freedom to just PLAY and be SILLY, because not every kid does.

Skwisgaar has a couple things going on. He doesn’t have a dad, but that’s not really the issue. He thinks it is, but really, it’s more like he’s never experienced that people can care about each other without sex being involved. That’s why sex means nothing to him. He’s an endless void of sexual dissatisfaction, because he can’t actually connect with anyone he bangs. It’s just like playing his imagined frets- just energy he needs to get out, one way or another, anxiety and anger that needs any kind of release. Skwisgaar just loves music and being able to play whatever he wants, but also, I think Dethklok are the only people he can really care about, because they’re the only people he would absolutely NEVER have sex with. He’s forced to actually value them as people. He has no choice but to connect with them. He’s pretty narcissistic too, even more than the other members, and I think a lot of that comes from not being given enough attention as a kid. He has to put himself first because even his own mom was never going to. It wouldn’t really fit with the show, but I think Skwis is a good representation of people with sexual trauma, especially people who’s trauma makes them hyper sexual instead of the reverse. And Dethklok is a good family for him because they really don’t care how much he fucks, as long as he can play. His sexual prowess has zero value to them.

Nathan’s kind of fascinating because his trauma is just. One really messed up thing that he saw happen. That’s it. But that’s REAL, like it happens to a lot of people. You just experience one thing that was really horrible and it messed you up for life. You watch one accident or one train crash and it fills your mind so much, replaying over and over, it totally consumes you. He also has visions, which I think is a good metaphor for OCD or other disorders that mostly manifest internally. I think Nathan represents everyone that’s gotten sucked into darker stuff without really understanding why. Or people who are just born with depression or anxiety and there’s no “reason” behind it. And Dethklok LOVES that darkness in him. He’s the king, baby. He releases all that darkness into his lyrics, and because he has that release, in his regular day he’s able to be somewhat normal. He has an outlet that’s actually pretty healthy.

Murderface has my favorite backstory of all the boys, because his trauma is poverty. He lives in a trailer park in New Jersey with his grandparents (great-aunt-and-uncle? i don’t remember but it doesn’t matter.) He says that his big traumatizing event was his parents murder-suicide, but that’s not really what messed him up, he was an infant. He’s messed up because of how his life played out after that, totally out of his control. He had to with his geriatric family that completely didn’t want him. He was bullied in school because his grandma didn’t do laundry. He was gross and rude, because no one taught him proper hygiene or how to talk to people. He was a little shit because everyone treated him like shit. He never had a chance. He isolated himself because it’s easier to be alone, when you’re pretending that you chose to be alone. And he’s the best in regards to his found family arc, because he hates himself so much he fully didn’t realize until the very end of the story, that’s WHY Dethklok loves him. He sucks! He’s negative and bitchy and they need that! He has a home with them. They value his grossness, his whinyness, his bad attitude, how much he just hates everything. He’s such an annoying asshole that it’s actually really nice. He has a perspective that none of them have. He SUCKS. No one else in the world sucks the way he does.

Anyway. I just. Really like them. I really like that they’re all fucking messed up weirdos that found each other and love each other only the way that people who really can’t stand each other do.

[justkillingthyme]

what are some of your favorite pl headcanons?

Aughhh. I have so many. 805 messages in one of the servers im in. Okok.

Des is a prick about manners. Particularly table manners. Don’t talk with your mouth full, elbows off the table, cup on the right side, etc. He was taught piano when he was little and didn’t pick it back up till college. He reunites with Hershel in the days past the ending of UF. He takes things apart but can’t figure out how to put them back together unless he was the one that made it so he’s banned from the engine room in the Bostonius. He can also sew and embroider. He has a cat allergy. He’s overly dramatic (to Raymond and Raymond alone) when he’s sick, but won’t say anything if he’s seriously ill or he thinks someone needs him. Des took his dad’s glasses but they were prescriptioned so he fucked up his eyesight. So now he actually needs glasses. He still hums lullabies he learned when he was little, and he used to sing them to his daughter.

Hershel knits and crochets. Lucille taught him and he does it a lot when he’s stressed or bored. He made so many sweaters in the hospital. Especially when he was in high school he mother henned his friends a ton. Didn’t know why he had such bad anxiety about losing his friends. + Randall is reckless. Bad combo. Hershel has night terrors and just doesn’t say anything about them. They were a lot worse when he was younger though. Uhh. The Getting Beat Up By The Government fucked him up bad. Head trauma memory problems on top of mental trauma memory problems. He gets injured sometimes on his adventures and doesn’t say anything which causes a lot of chronic pain. His back got fucked up in ED. Hershel has so so many identity problems. He also needs glasses kinda bad

Luke and Clark are vegetarian. Clark more so but Luke will eat meat when necessary. He doesn’t enjoy it though, and won’t eat anything less than well done. Luke mimics Hershel’s behaviors often. Luke has a chronic fatigue disorder and will go to bed anywhere. Eepiest guy

Randall has ADHD. He has a hard time reading other people’s emotions and tones, and has zero volume control. Definitely ate dirt as a kid.

Angela likes horror novels and being outside. Claustrophobic. Henry is French.

Emmy likes fruit. Sweet tooth all the way but she’ll go ham if she sees fruit. Citrus for the win. Also like sour candies. Post AL she still works out just because she’s really into the habit.

Flora is into mechanics. She has a hard time when things aren’t predictable, and over-rationalizes frequently to make things make sense. Separation anxiety. Also liked horror and mystery books. Had a mythology phase.

[nerves-nebula]

Remembered Mikey dissociates and imagines up all sorts of fantastical stories and adventures in his head, not grounded in reality at all. And I was thinking about how I also did that as a kid, thus none of my art or stories related to my deeply suppressed trauma at all. Except I actually just now realized it definitely did, just in more subtle and hard to see ways. It was stuff like scenes accidentally paralleling all the running away from home plans I made, and deity and angel type characters being exactly what I wanted my parents to be (guiding and safe etc.)

Anyway, are there any sorts of weird consistent themes like that going on in ur Mikey’s daydreams?

dissociation as a term evades me at times. like, I actively and intentionally ignored my surroundings a lot as a kid, especially when things got bad. i'd just spend time thinking of my fantasy worlds and tweaking situations between characters and stuff. i could be snapped out of it, but it's also a reason that I can't remember a lot of my childhood lol. but like, is that dissociation? at the time i thought of it more as just "ignoring stuff" if i didn't want to listen to my siblings fighting or i was bored or tired or annoyed, i'd force myself to think about other stuff. and that other stuff was daydreams cuz its not like i had shit going on as a kid. it was a distraction and one i did on purpose.

though there was a thing called "shut down" which I would do to myself when i was under extreme stress and pressure, which was kind of a further step, and more akin to real dissociation. but also somewhat akin to autistic shutdown so idk. these things overlap.

uhh anyway i think what mikey does is more like the "ignoring stuff" thing. you could probably call it maladaptive daydreaming. that's probably what it was.

I mentioned in one of my earlier Neglected posts that he writes his stories down and has like, a long ongoing epic about him fighting what is obviously a stand in for his dad. I think at the time i said he did that on purpose but I think I'mma change that, because it'd be more likely he does it on accident. I also brought up a character he made called "pizza horse" who learns to love herself despite people calling her an abomination for being half pizza half horse.

i think a lot of Mikey's stuff has to do with people being appreciated for things that make them weird, or learning to love themselves or something. first of all cuz that's an easy and popular thing to write about but secondly because splinter thinks he sucks and is weird and stupid and Mikey. doesn't like that! he doesn't like that his dad thinks he's weird and stupid!! it hurts :D sad thing is that even if you decide to say Fuck The Man!! it won't mean u no longer care that your dad hates you :3

anyway sorry i keep rambling the answer is YEA. there are reappearing themes of like, evil guardians, or maybe princes who were stolen by evil people or thrown out into the rain as babies to die- who eventually reclaim all the praise and power they were supposed to have. Kids getting often killing or otherwise "defeating" the people who abused/bullied/hurt them. typical abused kid power fantasy stuff.

I think there's probably a few edgy oc's in there too, like, shadow the hedgehog type edgy. like black and red with glowing eyes and half angel half demon and they end up killing the evil king who keeps them in the dungeon and beats them daily. and there's blood everywhere.

ok i started rambling again about something else under the cut uhhhh sorry its not relevant to ur ask at all asdfsadf

i like the idea of Mikey snapping at Leo, Donnie, and Raph later on cuz he was the first one to realize splinter sucks and they just kind of didn't listen to him for years haha. I like to think about them sitting in like a gay ass therapy circle or something talking about their feelings and mikey thinking.... "isn't this what I wanted? they all agree with me now. We don't live with splinter anymore. It's great. they're even talking about their feelings and trauma... why am i like. kind of angry."

it's something along the lines of him getting annoyed that they all wanted sympathy and companionship and brotherhood now that they realized Splinter is awful but when MIKEY was the only one saying Splinter Sucks nobody listened. Because they believed splinter when he told them Mikey was stupid. Because as poorly as splinter treated them, at least they were all worth something to him in some way.

Like, they all believed Splinter was an Ok Dad because they had stake in believing that. They didn't want to think their dad was awful, of course, but they also had stake in their identities as the favorite (leo), as someone who was making a meaningful contribution (raph), or as helpful towards someone/something good (donnie) and if Splinter turned out to not be worth all that effort- then that'd mean they all suffered for NOTHING.

but Mikey didn't get that. The identity splinter gave him was Useless, Stupid, Annoying one who wasn't as good as his brothers at anything important. And in Mikeys mind (though the reality is more complex), his siblings didn't care enough about him for the way splinter treated him to be seen as an indictment of splinters character. saying "splinter is a bad dad cuz he says i'm stupid" gets met with "but you are stupid tho." and "splinter is a bad dad because he starves me" gets met with "omg mikey you're not special we're all hungry stop whining"

and now they all want to whine about how bad things were??? AND THE WORST PART OF IT is that a lot of the time Mikey doesn't feel like he as a right to complain- i mean they were all doing way worse than him, right? they're sharing all these horrible stories! Donnie was in mental health hell and constantly getting groomed by ppl, Leo was getting sexually abused constantly and had all these secret rules and expectations, and raph had a hand in both mental health hell and sexual abuse AND he had a ton of responsibility when it came to their houses upkeep. Mikey got ignored and belittled but, like!! so what!! that's nothing compared to them.

but it still hurts :D growing up knowing you were in no uncertain terms that your dad thinks you're untalented and wishes he didn't have to deal with you.

Donnie got to be the weird but ultimately useful prodigy, Raph got to be the strongest, Leo got to be the leader, and Mikey got to be a joke.

[mochinon-yah]

How would you describe your friend's art/writing? (E.g.: scenario, food, memory, etc.)

OMGGG ANON THANK YOUUU LET ME SMOOCH U RNNN <3333

But i'm gonna twist the question a bit since i haven't read everyone's work so yeah 🥹 i'm gonna describe the way they talk or how they 'feel' like to me lolll

@beloved-brynn: (<- my dear sweet hallow) whenever brynn is talking about something, it could either be the most mindblowing thing ever or the funniest thing ever 😭 i love her sm (platonically) since she's my first ever mutual and the first ever person to just... kinda welcome me to tumblr (i can hesr her in the distance saying smth smth abt i traumatized her despite the warm welcome- /silly) also she's good at giving advices! She's somebody who would cofmort you in an objective but warm way while also try to joke around so you won't feel like you're being nagged at (good grief, i cried more while she did that lol) ALSO A SIMP FOR DIMITRIII ‼️‼️

@meimeimeirin: tbh rin's writing or way of speaking is so so uniquely her that even if she tried to mask it up, i could guess that it's her 😆 she's an amazing mutual that i have no clue how the heck did we even be friends and be close like this??? Is it the same thing like how me and brynn get close- i gave you a drawing- anyway, she has a very elegant way of doing things, and especially when she starts to ramble or write about something that she loves! It's always so lovely reading her posts <3 btw rin, keep a chicken head with you always, yeah? 😋

@leftdestiny-posts: NOW THIS IS AN ENIGMA BECAUSE I HAVE NO CLUE HOW DID WE ACTUALLY BECOME MOOTS????? Shiro, did u just somehow in someway adopt me- 😭 but anywayyyy, shiro's way of talking is so so so soft and cute and warm and it makes me wonder how the heck did they mask their craziness so good like that- /smacked sorry sorry, enough jokes, what i meant to say is that shiro is such a down to earth person, and honestly i could see them go "wah, the clouds are really pretty today~ the flowers too~~" their writing or talking style has that vibe to me! It's so warm and fuzzy to me 🫠 i feel so comfy with themm 💗💗

@a-bookworms-teashop: i took a liking to one of her series and ever since then, i am a fan of her works!! I like to leave comments and just yk... support her works! Suddenly, bam! She dm'ed me or smth and we just kinda talk 😆 i love when she goes to ramble about her works because it shows how much love and effort she pours into each and every one of them!!! Im still waiting for an update to that series hiks but in any case, her other works sre also a masterpiece! Example? The yandere ceo one! It's so interesting and honestly bae, i would read every chapters 😻 i mean i already did, but eh YEAH READ EM GUYS!!!

@jessamine-rose: bae jess, ur works are amazing pookie, i once read one of ur work before eventually falling in love with how u write but i forgot which one was it... (it was a long time ago) was it abt capitano...? I'M SORRY I FORGOT HDBSHSJSJ 😭😭😭 but anyway, jess has the mom vibe that it always made me think of those asian moms (I'M ASIAN- THE TRAUMA IS THERE- /silly) who would hit their kids with sandals and be "i told you don't be like that!" >:o also her way of speaking and the amount of kaomojis she used is so so her that i would just imagine her every time i see one of those kaomojis 😆💗 please keep using em, i love ittt <333

@harmonysanreads: i simp for u. Yes, you read that right, my friends... I SIMP FOR HARMYYYY (shoo shoo eun- /silly) 😻💗 harmy has a very distinctive vibe and personality despite being similar to rinrin, and uhh how do i describe it...? It's like talking with a mom figure (no harm, i don't see u as a mom figure-) who knows you so well!! Her way of talking is so elegant, but it's not the warm-like elegant! It's like seeing a queen (?) and you can't help but to be mesmerized by her mannerisms! I also love the way she can form her words, they're always so thoughtful and really straightforward in a way lolll (she's my argue buddy too- anyway prince hirang 👎 /silly)

@navxry: NAVI ACTS LIKE THE MOM FRIEND!! Not really the mom mom friend, but navi is our server mom 💗 they take care of us and sometimes pop in and say either the most horrendous down bad thing ever for female game characters (while im like "oh yeah so true lmao" but i don't usually pop in and say that) or they'll help us around the server because apparently most some of us are not pretty... tech-savvy (me included HAHAHHA) navi is such a mood sometimes and i absolutely love them for ittt 🫶 u go girl (/gn) be as silly as you wsnt for your fics, or in other words, kill em all- *cough* i mean what

@calxlu: a fellow infp who really loves albedo 😆 i love when one time i made a bedo art for them and they reblogged it so many times,,, it made me super happy and super proud that the art made them that happy 💗 anyway, vivi talks similarly like me methinks but like ummm how do i say it? Vivi is like cuter...???? IDKK HAHAHAJDJ- um, moving on 😆 i love it when vivi describes or tell smth because it could either be the most cutest thing ever or the funniest thing ever (i still remember that grandma comment pls 😭) anywayyy i hope your life has been less stressful!!! Also will be hoping that ppl won't bother you especially when you don't want to get bothered 🫂

@teabutmakeitazure: ZURIII MY BELOVED 🙌 HELLO HI <333 muach muach i hope you're doing well when you read this post /gen /pos !!! When zuri comes in the server and say smth, i will always imagine someone wesring a glasses, talking in such a monotone voice but tries to appear caring and sweet because YES they are actually really sweet and very much loveable and smoochable <3 it's just how you 'feel' like to me, so don't mind em too much loll 😆💗 also, i see that zuri and speckled can match each other vibe so well and it makes me think that they'll be such a great and cute duo together sbsnsjkssk

@vennnnn-diagram: VENNNNN OMG MY PARTNER IN CRIME 😻💗‼️ (<- we never did any crime other than bully brynn... i think-) ven is so funny and chaotic that it makes me wanna smooch em every time they appear <3 how do i explain this... uhhh, like ven always seems to be the silliest person ever whenever they talk in the server, but GUYS they're like really thoughtful and so overall nshdjisks i can't describe it but i will fight anyone who diss or insult ven /hj kinda srs actually ✨️ ven, if u think that being silly feels weird out of nowhere, bae we're all weird, so dw abt it 😆 im also very silly, so we can be silly together!!! ALSO ONE IMPORTANT FACT, ven is our music genius 🙌‼️ i'm so serious abt wanting to hear ur music for an hour straight-

@stickyspeckledlight: speckled...... well, uh, the word 'silly', 'random', "what in the world-" as a person fr 😆 i also just kinda deem her as the gamer pro in our server and well.... i gotta say she's real good when gaming (<- has never seen her gaming stream) BUT LIKE WHATEVER THOSE GAME TERM STUFF, SPECKLED KNOWS IT ALL ‼️‼️ like whenever she said oh this and that about hsr or genshin, i'd be "oh yeah so true" despite me not understanding her words (sorry yall i'm not a gamer 😭) alsoooo it's pretty noticeable, but uhh speckled (and zuri) is aventurine lover and she's pretty crazy abt him *cues me looking at her fics* keep going bestie 🙌 you (and zuri) are our aventurine truther lol

@ainescribe: AINE MY SPOUSE ✨️ THE LOVE OF MY LIFE /pos 💗💗 ainneee, one of our talented super amazing artists in the hostelry 😻 thought despite me saying that aine is the loml, we haven't talk or interact much, but i know that she's a sweetheart hehe 🫶 aine has a very bubbly way of talking, she likes to yap yap like eun especially if it's about.... uh lores? Idrk the kind of stuff that aine likes to talk about, but it's always fun to hear her (and eun) yap ‼️ also, i can't describe it but she makes me wanna smooch her but also nom her (it's just cuteness aggression-) ALSO I HAVE TO SAY IT AGAINNN, HER ARTS ARE REALLY PRETTYYY 💗🙌 LIKE 100/10 PRETTY ✨️

@lucienbarkbark: girl, idk what goes on in your mind but you're a mood 😆 i am always so surprised whenever rika appears and say something, it's too straightforward but i love her for it <333 she seems like someone who would just do whatever she wants, and i would totally support her for it 💪 rika and her... 66 or more men that she would (respectfully saying) sleep with 🔥🔥🔥 HAHAHHAH THE LIST IS SO LONG AND LIKE 😭😭 i can never not laugh whenever i remember it hdjdjsjwkw pls never change your frank and honest attitude, i love it 🫶 btw, uh, pls have some rest bestie 😭 like an actual rest and also a mental rest 🫂 wishing the best for you rikaaaa >:o

@mixed-kester: esther! While i may not know much about you, but i KNOW one thing!!! It's that she's a really great artist 😻 i'm telling yall to check her arts because (from my opinion) her art style looks like one you would find in a cute short comic (that i would totally devour-) AND YEAH she's just really sweet yk 🥺 also esther talks in a very direct way that it makes you want to just know what's up inside that head of hers 😆 she's also part of the 'would eat mochi 😋' gang and i just.... have to accept that....... anyway LOVE HER 💗‼️ please be more braver and accepting of your feelings, you're precious and worth it, okay? We love you, and i hope sincerely that YOU love YOURSELF 🙌

@euniveve: OHOHOHO OUR RESUME DESTROYER HERE /silly ✨️ jokes aside, i think me, jess, and shiro would say "what can't eun do atp" if we're talking about eun 😭😭 wdym she can write amazing fanfics, great artist, good at debating, a highschool athlete, a student council president- LIKE EUN WHAT THE HECK DID YOU NOT DO???? Is it the intj in you- /silly LMAO anyway, all that aside, eun talks in a very pookie way, so full of.... love (especially if she's talking with harmy) and she would totally yap yap abt smth altho sometimes she's a bit direct about stuff (not in a harsh way tho) all in all, i hope you're not too harsh on yourself 💗 OH AND i love how confident you are!! You know that you're amazing, and i think that's great pookie 🫶

@fishanonishere: FISHHHHH 🫂 the 'albedo' in my life LMAOOOO 😭 they're so cute i wanna smooch them fr ✨️ they like to yap about their works and honestly yap more bestie (I HAVEN'T ANSWERED THEIR DM IN DISCORD BUT YEAH YAP MORE BESTIE 😭😭) they have a distinct way of talking and it's hard for me to describe it, but imagine albedo talking with such an interest while also keeping it low with how monotonous his face is and you're a bit confused whether he's excited or chill with it 😆 fish is also an amazing artist, their art style is very very 😋💗 yeah i'd eat all of em HAHAHAHA anyway fishhh, i hope you keep being 'you'!! It's always fun talking to you, but i think my energy is just not that big enough for us to keep talking for so long 😭🙏

[wasyago]

Love your art! I was super inspired by your Gillion design specially. He's so squishable (positive).

Do you have a specific process for designing characters? Be it original or reimagining canon designs of fandom

thank you!! :D

hmm, well, i don't remember the last time i properly designed an original character, so nothing on that front. for reimagining designs... i don't have a step by step way i do it, it varies from character to character, but i can point out some of the things i do that might be helpful?

i largely base my designs on the vibes the character gives me: their manner of speech, their actions, their story and personality. and also the world and environment around them if it affects the character. it sounds pretty obvious but like, duh.

im gonna try and explain on gillion's example since its the one you mentioned. he's a himbo, a swimmer and a paladin, so he's gonna be buff or at least a little thicker. he's a triton, so he's short. he's also short for the reason that he is in an unfamiliar for him world and he might feel small in it. he's also short because it makes him look almost child like, connecting it to his trauma and lack of childhood that manifests in his behavior now. gillion is kind or at least trying to be, so his features will be softer and rounder. but sometimes he's chaotic or harsh, so he has some sharp features too. though they're secondary, the softness is still the main focus.

i also really like to think and overthink the designs while drawing. i try to keep everything simpler and less detailed, showing personality with shapes rather than uhh presence(?), but that means that details i do include have a lot of thought behind them.

one of my favorite things is practically. i love to think about what a character would realistically wear in the climate they're in, which clothing would be comfortable for their anatomy and field of work. would certain things get in the way or would they be helpful? how would they style their hair, do they need it tied back or do they not care? would they wear make up, why yes or why not? etc etc etc. i like asking myself questions and answering them in the design.

continuing with the gillion example. he's constantly wet because he's a triton (again, yes), so it would be more comfortable for him to wear a wetsuit. other clothes may stick to him and be uncomfortable, or get stuck on his fins, etc. he doesn't have any piercings, there's no way he would've gotten them in the undersea, and on the surface i don't think there was anything meaningful enough to promt him to get it. plus fin ears. he doesn't have his hair styled in a complicated way because of the coral on his head. doesn't wear a lot of jewelry because he jumps in the water a lot and it'll easily get lost. no belts or flowy bits because they constrict the movement and might get in the way.

and then like. all the personal headcanons and preferences and little bits and things. there's a lot of elements that i draw just because i like how they look. or because that's a comfortable thing for me, or because it's cute or hot or sad or whatever. or because i saw it while looking for inspiration and i really liked it. just bullshitting with the design and making it my own, yknow?

for gillion. gave him a cool long tail and lots of fins everywhere because i like it when inhuman characters are openly and visibly inhuman and have distinct features. and gillion is VERY much not human, part of his personality is being confused about humans. big ol yellow eyes with slits — look cool, also doubles as an inhuman feature, also makes him look curious about the world. small black stripes all over his body — make him look more fishy, plus because there's a lot of them and they're all the same they form a pattern that looks more like a natural anatomical feature and draw less attention. coral that goes around his head and not only the front like a tiara— makes it feel more three dimensional and looks cool in perspective (also i kinda just drew it wrong and never fixed it). coral and fins are pink — adds some much needed color variation and contrast, plus pink is one of the more natural colors which again make him look animalistic and not magical, plus ties in with pretzel. his skin is closer to green than blue — removes blue from the color pallet (especially with his eyes being yellow instead of blue), making the design more coherent and pleasing, allows me to properly introduce reds and purples without it looking like a mess of colors (although it still does sometimes). sharp teeth — fish, cute. yellowish underbelly — supports the yellow for the eyes and makes it stand out less, plus again, animalistic feature. little to no details on the clothing — creates good negative space that lets the eyes rest and focus the attention on everything else. his fringe and hair are floating around and don't follow the laws of physics — personal headcanon that it always looks like he's under water, plus adds roundness to the design because of the waves and curls.

ookay haha sorry didn't mean to write down literally every design decision here-- kind of derailed the post again.

basically yeah, for me designing is like a dialog with myself where i ask and answer questions. also something that wasn't mentioned are references and inspiration. if i don't have a good idea when i start, i usually scroll through my gallery or pinterest for some time to get ideas and figure out the general direction i want to take the design, maybe also find some fun stuff to include, etc.

hopefully this long ramble was at least somewhat helpful or gave you insight on my progress. i wanted to draw some things to also visually explain the design decisions for gill, but i think I'll do it later and in a separate post, and maybe include chip and jay too...

umm good luck 👍👍

[beanghostprincess]

Late to valentines day, but consider queer platonic strawhats.

Luffy, upon hearing about Valentine's Day ((Makino would likely have told him a bit about it as a child, but it got forgotten amidst the trees and critters and love and family and also trauma of living ten years in the woods with criminals and bandits as his company)) goes absolutely APESHIT. A day devoted to LOVE?? HECK YEAH SIGN HIM UP!!!! HE LOVES HIS FRIENDS SO MUCH!!!

Robin, Ussop, Chopper and he all settle across the deck and make crafts. Luffy is very much more focused than usual, both bc Hands Moving, Colors and Glitter Good, and also bc this is IMPORTANT so he's doing his absolute best.

He makes a card for every person on his crew. He also makes stuff for his friends all over, addressed to them by name. He can't send them, not really, because it's hard to remember the addresses (Nami helps with some of those), so the ones he can't send properly (Shanks, Buggy, Boa, etc) he throws into the ocean.

((There's a quiet moment after nightfall when he's sitting on the figurehead, holding a card he worked Extra Hard On. It's addressed to Ace, and Luffy isn't one to really... be sad. He tries not to be. He's worried about seeming weak.

The crew definitely caught on, though. Nami steps up to him, puts a hand on his shoulder. Tugs him back to the deck. She leads him by hand towards the center, where the other's are waiting. Franky is beaming.

He made a little lantern like device. It has a little pocket, and it floats up and up and up, "all the way to the heavens," he exclaims proudly. Nami mentions sending a letter to Bellemere. Chopper has one for Hiriluk. Ussop has one for his mom, Sanji for his own, Zoro to Kuina, Robin to Saul, Brook to the Rumbars, Franky to Tom. Jimbei carries a few, but merely smiles softly at Luffy.

He tries not to cry as they all load up their letters, but he feels better when the only response people have to the wetness on his face is a brief touch or side hug.

It's bittersweet, but somehow he feels better than he has in a very long time.

And with his crew around him, supportive and still there, still staying.... well, Luffy didn't think he could love them any harder. Full of surprises, the lot of them.

Late to Valentine's Day too, don't worry 🫶 And I consider Queer Platonic Strawhats every day of my life actually-

This is,,, So beautiful,,, I'm sure Luffy would absolutely love Valentine's Day to celebrate his love for his friends. Maybe Nami and Sanji tell him that's not exactly how it works, because it's supposed to be romantic, but when he asks them "Why, though?" they don't really, uhh, have an answer for that. So turns out their captain is right and they can use this day to celebrate all types of love!

I adore the idea of Luffy writing letters and cards and throwing them into the sea if he can't send them. It's just beautiful. Maybe in a bottle, pirate style. Maybe fate helps him and somehow those letters end up with the correct people. Who knows?

Also, Luffy would be extra clingy the whole day and Sanji would make a huge dinner for everybody. They'd have so much fun and Luffy would just,, Take a moment to look at all of them being happy for a second and he'd go "Now this is what being a pirate should be!" and it makes me really emotional.

Not to mention the Ace thing,, All of them sending their letters to their dead loved ones in the sky? Do you want to make me cry??? Because you're making me cry.

They're precious to me.

[actuallyadhd]

hiie!

i'm 18 and i've been trying to self-diagnose. i'm curious about adhd and abuse. i relate to the adhd experience of executive dysfunction, depression, rsd, time blindness, sensory issues, emotional dysregulation etc. but growing up in a super strict and abusive household i've never even had hobbies let alone hyperfixations. so is it possible? to mask so severely that you have no hyperfixations??

i've heard from diagnosed folk that have had an abusive childhood but they all say that it made them hyperfixate more as an escape mechanism. but then i went in the opposite direction, so maybe i don't have adhd? i might have had some hyperfixations ig but it never lasts as long as peope with diagnosed adhd say it does. so ig they are not hyperfixaions but just things i like a lot.

i also don't "stim", i feel like i've forever been understimulated as my mother would remove anything stimulating books/games/TV/music etc. any "stimming" actions were condemned and ridiculed (leg shaking, finger-tapping or even simple vocal stims), this has been enforced in my brain as socially rude and uncultured so uhh ig it could be that i've been masking. that could explain why i did so well in school because there was either math or no stimulation at all. but maybe i'm just having a bad time from all the other things and not adhd?

idk i am like 70% sure i have adhd but i have no access to a clinical diagnosis, so i'm doing extensive research and i want to be thorough before i can make any claims.

Sent April 12, 2024

It can be really hard to know whether some things are due to trauma or ADHD or something else. I have a friend who grew up in an abusive home and got assessed for autism but the clinician couldn’t give a diagnosis because the amount of trauma was making it hard to tease out what was causing which things.

I do think that a lot of ADHDers have trauma because of how we get treated due to our differences. That doesn’t mean ADHD is actually a trauma response; it means that sometimes, trauma happens because we are different due to ADHD. I can recommend Crappy Childhood Fairy on YouTube if you are interested in learning more about trauma and some ways you might be able to deal with it.

Hyperfixations/special interests and stimming are really common ADHD things, but they are not part of the diagnostic criteria. Have a look at our self-diagnosis post to find out more about how to figure this out.

Regardless of whether you have ADHD, you are welcome here. You may find some of the printables at the web site useful, so do consider checking them out.

Followers, what do you think about ADHD and trauma?

-J

[navy-leader]

Mildly losing my mind so im gonna talk about my AvA AU, Heaven's Underpass

Its essentially just a demon/angel au with some minor worldbuilding and slight altering of the already existing narrative (and lots of shipping...). It is by far Not comprehensive and merely done for fun so inconsistencies abound, sacrificed for self-indulgence

I made this AU before AvA6 came out and structured the initial timeline with what we had at the time so it branches off into different alternates ever since then

Anyways the story for the most part follows the actual AvA series with the added addition of them being some sort of divine or infernal entity. Chose started off as and angel but once Chosen was captured and enslaved by noogai he burnt off his wings and became a demon. Then AvA3 rolls around, another angel was created and tasked to take down Chosen, Dark. Though after Dark was defeated and accepted Chosen's hand in partnership her divinity slowly drained out of her as she becomes a fallen angel/demon, though she doesnt fully become one until AvA5.

Then comes The Second Coming, a deity that rivaled the power of the animator but was raised amongst mortals (The Color Gang) so they never found out of their divine nature until much later. Also Green was a guardian angel watching over RBY until he got his wings stolen by a demon and became mortal like them, aint all that bad though cause now they can actually get to know eachother! He still has that protective and caring nature from his time as a guardian and extends it towards Second when they came into the picture.

Purple intermission! Cause theyre the only other character outside of the AvA series that i put much thought into. Shes a demon who had stolen an angel's wings (wink) to reach some form of divinity. I havent really thought of her background all that much but i did entertain the idea that her parents are demons but them being a mix of angel and demon but leaning more into demon sounds more interesting and i feel adds a bit more to their character. I also had the thought that King was a mortal who had made a deal with the devil to achieve his goals, that demon being Purple. He has a lot of moral dilemmas just like canon Purple but made worse because of the everything 👍

Moving on, AvA5 happens and Second awakens their divine powers (though temporarily) and Dark gets blasted into the stratosphere and becomes a proper demon, but shes not dead! Somewhere down the line she met Purple in her weakened state and they bond over their moral dilemmas like good trauma bonding buddies should do, and Purple takes care of her as she recovers

Meanwhile something appears on the desktop as the color gang head home from the events of AvA5 and find,,, a demon hollowhead? They seem confused and absolutely terrified of the mouse cursor that belongs to the animator and attempts to attack it but was soon held down by the color gang and calmed down. After a brief introduction they find out this demon's name is victim. And then this essentially follows the AU i had for if victim came back, made before AvA6 came out. I discussed it in this post here.

Anyways Second and vic and Chosen get crazy gay with eachother in the end and Purple pulls up to the desktop with Dark in tow like "hi guys meet my girlfriend!" and Dark and Chosen look at eachother like "Shit. Thats my ex." but in the end they talk it out and agreed they should see other people and yayy happy times

And then AvA6 came out and uhh crushed everyone's headcanons and i couldnt be happier!!! And then i havent really figured out what to do with the AU timeline wise and im just having fun slapping wings and horns onto these sticks and bringing out the themes inside the story to be more visual and etc etc

Anyways goodnight

[marcilled]

hi Vivian! I've been meaning to ask about reading dungeon meshi for a while but I've been super low on things to read for a bit now so I want to take the plunge! I wanted to ask, are there any "caveats" you have about recommending it? I know sometimes people will love a thing but actually not recommend it to others lol. I don't think this is one of those situations but I wanted to check :) Or if there's anything like "the first couple chapters are slow but then it picks up" you know. Also do you have suggestions for a good place to read it?

You've just activated an unskippable cutscene. *rubs hands together gleefully*

For those not aware (if you follow me you're probably aware... but just in case), Dungeon Meshi is a fantasy comedy manga by author Ryoko Kui about a group of adventurers who have to cook and eat monsters to survive in a dungeon. It's a seinen, meaning it's targeted more towards adults, which really shows in a lot of its plot beats and humor- like how the party nearly disbands because Laios (the party leader) can't afford to pay everyone upfront, etc. It's also not entirely accurate to call it a comedy, really, it's an action/adventure series that focuses on comedy, oftentimes dark humor. Which brings me to your question!

I don't have any big caveats for recommending Dungeon Meshi, I think it's a series just about anyone can pick up and get enjoyment out of! But there are some things I think are worth warning about, since the story actually gets pretty serious later on, and explores some potentially triggering themes.

Here's some content warnings for dunmeshi I can provide just off the top of my head (that shouldn't spoil anything on their own); Body horror, eye trauma/eye injuries, asphyxiation, cannibalism, blood, some gore, unsettling imagery, uhh general warning for? psychological themes (idk how to word this or even warn for this without spoiling though) and mentions of child abuse.

There's probably more that I'm forgetting, but despite its reputation for being silly, dungeon meshi gets pretty damn dark at times!! All the same, it is, to its core, built upon the humor- even in the tensest, most dramatic chapters, there's always something to lighten the mood, something to make you smile. It's kind of surprising, really, how masterfully Ryoko Kui finds this balance of drama vs. humor. No one illustrates this dichotomy better than Laios...

(least spoiler-y image I could find)

As for slow starts... I suppose it depends on what you're hoping to see in dungeon meshi! If you're excited about izutsumi (the catgirl), she doesn't show up until much later on in the manga. There's some other popular characters that don't show up for a while, either. Also, I just re-read the first chapter before answering this ask- the start is a bit slow, i.e. everything seems low stakes at first, but I think that's only to dungeon meshi's benefit tbh. I kinda dislike when series will show their hand way too soon. I think the premise and presentation of dungeon meshi is strong enough on its own, although the early art style is really unrefined and messy compared to the modern chapters. The art gets so much better as time goes on! As do the characterizations... You really get the sense that their personalities weren't entirely figured out yet in chapter 1. I think that's fine, though, the roots are all there.

All this being said... I'm gonna be honest with you, I've never actually re-read dungeon meshi from my initial read of it! and I've been keeping up for each new chapter since, like, 2018, which is crazy to think about... I really ought to do a re-read sometime, it'll give me a fresh perspective I'm sure. truthfully I just struggle to read things, which is the only reason I haven't reread it like 10 times. I still love it to bits anyway. I hope that this answer is enlightening regardless, and- oh! also! you can read dungeon meshi on Mangadex, though I recommend buying it physically if they sell it where you live :-)!!

Anyhow thank you for indulging me, i love talking about dungeon meshi & introducing new people to the series! i hope you enjoy it!!!

[leftneb]

(Regarding the Landoscar dsmp au you're talking about)

YES!!! DO IT!! Join me in the crossover/multi fandom shenanigans!!! >:D /lh

Fr I would be so interested to see it 👀

this ask has been sitting in my inbox for about 39 years now but I have actually had a think about it so here I go

basically I think AU-ing anything into the DSMP would be incredibly challenging because it doesn't have many concrete universe rules. like we know hybrids and whatnot exist, we have the base universe of minecraft (minus the End ig) and the most defined part of the lore is the revival system which is a bit difficult to do anything with tbh

the way to make this interesting (and viable) would be to assign DSMP factions to the drivers and try imagining WHEN and WHY they would have chosen to align with those ideas and people (again this pretty much requires coming up with a new plotline which I'm a little too hyperfixed on the dbh au for atm) (you can pretty much reimagine the whole "plot" of the DSMP with the factions and main plotpoints being kept actually hmmmmmm just the relations changing. potential there.)

like imagine Landoscar (non-americans) with early L'Manburg meanwhile Logan is stuck outside. pure angst potential

my cTubbo (and cSchlatt and cDream) enjoyer brain also very very much wants to draw them as goat/deer hybrids because uhh yes. or just give them horns like the fandom did with cTommy

okay real question what happens when a hybrid character with horns gets revived. white horn maybe....

another big ol' questionmark would be how the drivers' lives could be adapted into the story. one thing that comes to mind is how Oscar moved to England alone at like 14, which my brain immediately associates with cTubbo. or Lando growing up as a shy kid with very little friends, very reminiscent of clingyduo in L'Manburg with the whole getting lifelong trauma thing

basically my thesis is that Landoscar (and Loscar actually) are clingyduo. I am not open to critiscism at this time (I actually am do please discuss this with me there's only a low chance I'll bite you)

I would point out that there is SO much angst potential with the whole L'Manbirg to Pogtopia and Manburg to everything that went on in the prison thing and I haven't even brought up cWilbur yet (the character and the person make me ill in such different ways urgh)

a thing (definitely one of my favorite things at that) about the DSMP is how EVERYONE is a main character depending on who you choose to follow, which is incredibly similar to how F1 works tbh so shockingly enough that's actually easy to adapt

another aspect I had a think about was dsmp character to driver associations which I honestly really want to do a questionnaire on and like make a research post about (someone actually did something similar to this about fandom to F1 pipelines go look at it it's very interesting)

my hypothesis is that associating single characters to drivers would be relatively simple (just a question of what role they play in their respective communities really, plus what vibes they give off lmao) BUT making those connections with groups/duos/trios/etc like actually reimagining the system would yield different results to singular associations. which is just a result of different environments having different ecosystems ig but it would be interesting to see nonetheless. in my brain some DSMP characters' roles would be filled by several drivers and some drivers would take on several roles at the same time which is absolutely fascinating to me

I think. that's all the thoughts I had about that (miight make a post about my driver-character associations at some point but I wanna sit down and have a proper think about that first) (all I'm saying is that Alex Albon is cRanboo)

[cdroloisms]

do i even wanna know what the 7y!wilbur au is

my tag for seven years AU is right here -- there's a lot that's been uh gatekept a little bit but it's an AU i have with bubbles @judgehangman that's well . it's funny it's fucked up it's canon a little bit to the left but also upside down. feel free to ask me abt it any time tho i am ALWAYS always down to talk about AUs always they just run around in my head all day

here's a post outlining the timeline of major events -- it's a bit scuffed, i did the math really quickly, but it gets the job done. and here's an ask bubbles answered about the original situation that created this whole thing in the first place.

the tl;dr of the 7y AU has a lot to do with the stupid nonsense that is traditional for this fandom. Basically, based on something cc!wilbur said about how he originally envisioned the ages of different characters in L'manburg way back in ye olden days of uhh honestly i forget--2021, i think, cc!Wilbur had commented on how in his original envisonment of L'manburg, c!Wilbur was in his early 30s, c!Fundy was 14, and c!Tommy and c!Tubbo were both around 20. Of course, the fandom being the fandom, they took the math of "c!Fundy is 14" to backdate c!Tommy as being nine during the L'manburg war of independence, and this was naturally used to create all sorts of c!tommy angst yadayadayada (while somehow everyone managed to forget that uh if this timeline holds true then ? it would also apply to the rest of the characters that Aren't L'manburg????)

it turned into this thing where people would say "tommy was NINE in the l'manburg revolution and he was BRUTALLY SLAUGHTERED by dream smp the TRAUMA" etc and that in itself led to "tommy was nine" being a bit of a meme. of course, being the way that i am, i started down a rabbit hole of taking "tommy was nine" to its logical extreme--and you know, sooner or later bubbles and i ended up with this monstrosity and its like five branching alternate timelines, awesome

the basic premise of the AU is very, very simple. tommy was nine during the revolution, dream was 14, wilbur was 25. the events on the dream smp that take place between wilbur's joining the server and creating the drug van to november 16th, a space of a few months irl, all end up being spread out over seven years of time in this AU--hence its name. bc of the nature of its creation it's an AU with an interesting relationship with both fanon and canon, playing off of and taking elements from both in interesting ways. and also there's c!dreambur.

it's fun :)

[nebulablakemurphy]

Uhh loved your take on the first time Haymitch said I love you! That got me thinking about do you think, that they often fight? And if so what about?

I think based on your stories it seems as though they are good about giving each other space and deescalates fights quickly. But they have obvious tensions like alcoholism, forced marriage and perhaps different views on how to keep snow pleased. Do you this leads to conflict?

Thank you!

I don’t think they fight very often, but I think they have loud and passionate disagreements 😂

But honestly, a lot of it stems from her being so young when they get married. They both suffer extreme trauma from their games, but hers were only four years ago.

She never has a chance to learn to self regulate her emotions as an adult, she went numb, on autopilot for four years, and then has to marry the only person who makes her feel anything (even if that’s just unbridled rage.) If she’s happy, she goes to Haymitch. She’s anxious or upset, she goes to Haymitch to feel better. But she also goes to him when she’s angry and takes it out on him.

He does get irritated with her for not understanding the severity of things, when the reason she doesn’t understand is because he’s withholding information for her safety, her mental health, etc.

She gives him a lot of space, he doesn’t give her nearly as much until later in the series, around the mockingjay storyline. Obviously this isn’t malicious on his part, I think it’s just the only way he knows how to keep her safe.

We see them fight more in the beginning of their marriage than we do in moves & countermoves, though they still butt heads on occasion. I think they learn how to love each other in a healthier way over time.

[ocularmacdown]

my dtamhd thoughts? oh, why thank you for asking! yeah, i only have a few, but uhh- *drops a towering stack of papers in front of you on the desk*

i really, really liked this episode. maybe it’s because i wasn’t going into it with set expectations or hopes, maybe it’s because dennis is not my number one blorbo and so his development is more fascinating to me rather than a personal/emotional investment. either way, to me this episode was a fucking winner and i have so many thoughts that haven’t even formulated yet. the writing is incredibly well-paced, subtle enough that the twist is not immediately obvious, yet explicit enough that watching it a second time, the clues are right in front of you the whole time. it’s fucking clever, and for me personally, it does justice to dennis’s very specific brand of mental health issues/neurodiversities/trauma/etc etc.

first of all, i’ve seen people saying they’re disappointed, that they wanted to see dennis fall to his knees or scream himself hoarse or crawl into mac’s arms with his tail between his legs. but…,..like.,..i mean..,,,.he literally tore a man’s heart out of his chest? and then crushed it with so much force that it becomes a diamond? and then he ATE it? with blood running down his arms and the sun haloing him and the watch on his arm lit up red for “danger, you’re in danger, you’re a danger to yourself”? that is so explicit and so raw and so powerful. me personally i am chewing through concrete slabs.

he takes his heart - his core, his feelings, his very self - and controls it so fiercely, so violently, just so that it might be something of worth. something precious and valued and beautiful and rare. and what forms diamonds, pointed out in this exact episode? coal. objectively seen as cheap, and worthless, and nothing much at all. dennis’s heart is coal, to him. fuel to a fire of rage. so he tries to make it something better. not by nurturing it, tending to it like a garden.

instead he crushes it.

and then he eats it.

i don’t know what else you could want tbh.

i’ve also seen people say that it wasn’t an accurate depiction of mental health issues? i don’t even know what to say to that like. are you yourself dennis reynolds? are actually him, down to a T?? or are you a totally different person with different life experiences and brain functions and trauma and personality and expression of self?

characters are not made to reflect individual people and their experiences - they are separate from us, and us from them. we can look to them to find similarities, but they can only be as relatable to us as we are to everyone around us. this episode is quite literally an insight into the fact that actually, dennis doesn’t show his rage, or any of his feelings, and the way that he experiences his emotions is wholly and totally different from others. sure, he allows outbursts over minor things - sounds that irritate him, insults against his car, women as a concept, all the fucking apps - but nothing that really, truly matters. it’s about control. control, control, control. a grasp on his anger so so tight it’s a vacuum, a cavern of pressure.

maybe your experience of mental health is totally different to that, and i sympathise that not seeing yourself reflected on screen can be and is frustrating. but. if i may overshare a touch on tumblr dot com, oversharing central, then..,,..he just like me fr fr.

as someone who has never related to dennis reynolds at all in the history of the show and is different to him in every objective way, this episode got me. i felt seen. it’s not about mental health as huge outbursts that everyone sees and sympathises with, not all the time. it’s not about sadness or pain or misery, not all the time.

it can be about anger. anger as an emotion you can feel so intrinsically and powerfully. anger that you don’t understand and you shouldn’t be able to control because it’s so fucking strong. but you do you do you do. because you just have to. there’s no rational reason behind it; you’re just angry and you just don’t show it. not when it really matters, anyway. you have a moment of private catharsis, deep inside yourself, an upwelling of frustration and rage that feels like a day but you quench in seconds. and then you move on.

so yes, it’s an accurate depiction of mental health, and i’m not elaborating further than that. i imagine someone else *cough @sewerkingcharlie cough* could probably go into dennis’s psycho-demographic and history and how that effects his mental health far better than i ever could anyway.

me personally, i am. obsessed with the insane surrealist route they went down. expressions of deep emotional pain are only understandable via sobbing breakdowns if you have no critical media skills or appreciation of several major art movements of the last hundred years. once again, he tore out his heart and crushed it into something else with his own fist and then ate it.

looking at the journey the episode takes as a whole, it’s so so incredibly fucking clever. it’s set up as though it’s a journey narrative that will end with a big emotional expression a la mac finds his pride or the gang carries a corpse; it’s pretty much what we all expected, i think, to be able to observe dennis and his inner emotions at a closer range, from one side of a two way mirror.

but during that insane scene, we are actually allowed inside his head - not just an observation into his mind through the lens of spectatorship study, but into dennis’s broken perception of reality, from his point of view, intra-diegetic. we are inside his head looking at everything around us, trapped in the laboratory of his mind. is not the clean cut, easy-to-analyse narrative and visuals we saw before of dennis getting more and more frustrated until his breaking point; the world in his mind has twisted and deformed into one that no longer makes sense to us the spectator, but does make sense for him, for dennis.

mac and charlie were able to express their emotions outwardly with another person present. they were grounded in reality because that is how they experience emotions of that level and intensity. that is by no means to say that what they felt in those moments are is any less intense or extreme or soul crushing as dennis, only that they experience both their inner emotions and the world around them in different ways to him.

dennis internalises as much as he possibly can, pouring into himself rather than out. he can only hold so much, the pressure builds, his insides contort and shift to make room, he keeps pouring.

his innards no longer makes sense.

his feelings are physical, they’re his organs, and they’re worth something, worth so much, but they’re simultaneously just the food he consumes.

he consumes, he internalises, everything’s within him.

he was never going to have an emotional outburst. that’s not his catharsis; it would change him too much fundamentally.

everything channels inwards. it’s too much but at least it stays inside. even his breakdowns happen within. he keeps the lid of the pressure cooker on.

Dennis Does Not Take A Mental Health Day.