#James does not currently know Regulus' real name

[hoaxriot]

MAD WOMAN

pairings. regulus black x fem!reader

synopsis. you knew everything about regulus, why he did what he did. but you didn’t know it would lead to death, and you to become mad with grief.

notes. this is a bit different, voldermort is human in this but still who he is. he does need the horcruxes to kill him but in this regulus has done that, so let’s pretend! this is angsty with a sort of happy ending:) it’s also very long.

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you remember the day vividly when sirius black came to your home and told you regulus was dead. you remember the shock rushing through your body then the tears as you fell onto the ground and sirius holding you as you both cried for him.

one thing you don’t remember when your grief become anger. you didn’t cry at his funeral where no one was there except the marauders and the rest. sirius sobbed for hours that day, you stayed as everyone left at the cemetery knowing no body was there. you stayed all night, barty had found you early in the morning when no one could find you.

ever since then you have been determined to avenge your boyfriends death. he hadn’t even turned twenty yet, regulus had not experienced life or a real family like you promised him. everyone figured it would be hard for you but now how you were handling it now.

currently you were going through everything regulus owned, fortunately he moved in with you as soon as he could so everything was here. sitting on the ground right by your bed surrounded by his things, you were reading his journal for signs. you knew you shouldn’t have— it was his but you needed it.

you sat there for hours reading every sentence over and over, you were so zoned out you didn’t hear the front door open and close or the calls of your name. not even hearing sirius coming into your room and standing at the doorway waiting for you to realize he was there.

he sighed sadly walking over to you and bending down in front of all the things, he called your name snapping you out of your reading.

“what are you doing?” sirius spoke softly as you met his eyes, he tried not to sigh again at the dark circles under your eyes, the redness in your eyes from reading too long.

“sirius.” you breathed out his name, he nodded before looking down at the mess surrounding you.

“i’m, um, looking for something.” he bent his head down, he truly did love you but he couldn’t bare to see you like this anymore.

“this isn’t healthy anymore, he wouldn’t want you to do this.” sirius spoke looking up at you again, you scoffed closing the journal, “you wouldn’t know sirius, he left. he left and he never came back, he didn’t say anything! he would’ve told me what he was doing.” your voice was hoarse and cracking as you spoke, his eyes softened for a second before standing right again.

“this is crazy,” your eyes glared as he spoke those words, “you need to stop, you’re not okay and you need to grieve.” sirius ran his hands through his long hair looking around the room that looks like it hadn’t been clean since regulus death.

“just leave sirius,” he looked back at you in shock, he stayed in his spot making you stand up, “leave!” you yelled at him, he sighed out in anger clicking his tongue as he nodded, leaving. you heard his foots carry down the stairs and the door slam.

as soon as it did, you threw the journal on the ground then throwing yourself on the ground leaning against the bed. you immediately started to cry for the first time, you pulled at your hair as you cried and cried. you continued even as you climbed into bed on regulus’ side, crying yourself to sleep.

a month had passed since that night, sirius hadn’t talked to you and you’ve avoided hanging around the group even at big events. right now, you knew lily was walking down the aisle marrying james but you didn’t go, you were sitting on your couch reading yet another journal of regulus’ one that you had seen him writing in the month of his death.

a knock interrupted your reading, you closed your eyes with a sigh figuring it be one of your friends to yell at you for missing out on lilys day.

the knocking continued, you slammed the journal shut standing up and walking through the kitchen to open the door, you looked through the window at the top of the door recognizing narcissa standing about to knock again before you opened the door.

she stepped back upon seeing your face, “hello.” she smiled lightly at you. it was nice to see someone smiling at you, not looking at you with pity or anger so you smiled back— as much as you could.

“hi,” you replied shortly, confused as why she was at your door, she pointed her eyes in your house, “come in?” she nodded her head coming in as you moved out of the way moving herself through the hallway into the kitchen.

you sighed as she stood in the messy kitchen, “tea?” you asked her, she hummed in agreement sitting down at the head seat of the table.

once the tea was done you made you and her a cup, setting it down in front of her before sitting on the seat beside her, you messed with the handle of your cup.

“not to be rude, but why are you here?” she laughed lightly as she put down the cup, she looked at her lap as you waited for her answer.

“i just haven’t seen you in a while, y’know regulus talked about his future a lot and you were always in it, always.” you smiled at her words as she continued to speak about regulus.

“so, i now that you deserve every right to know the truth. i know you know he joined the dark lord. but i know that you don’t know what he did that night, but you deserve to.” narcissa spoke and your eyebrows raised, a sinking feeling in your stomach formed.

narcissa explained everything from start to finish, you listened to her. you didn’t know what to say but you knew that this was not the last thing that you would do, learning that regulus went against what his parents told him and that for killed him.

you walked her out, you both stopped seeing sirius and remus in their suits standing at the top of your stairway to your front porch. she looked at you with a smile before leaving. you looked at the two turning around leaving the door open for them to follow.

“what was she doing here? why?” sirius didn’t start calm, his voice was raised as remus stood beside him once you were standing in the living room.

“narcissa was here to check on me! unlike any of you.” turning around to look at them, sirius scoffed as remus stared at you in sadness.

“unlike us? a month ago i tried and you kicked me out!” sirius yelled at you, remus sighed grabbing sirius’ hand trying to calm him down.

“you didn’t check up on me, you called me crazy, sirius.” your voice was low as you took a step down still far away from them, remus looked over at sirius in shock not hearing that part.

“yes! okay, but this is crazy! you are so mad with grief you’re not yourself! you are so full of anger! regulus would be so disappointed—“

“sirius!” remus whispered yelled turning to him as your face dropped, sirius froze as he watched your face and the the tears that started to form in your eyes. remus looked at you as you stepped back even farther, “you know he did not mean that.” he spoke softly but sirius scoffed again.

“you know what? yes, i did mean that because he would! you are not you anymore for gods sake you missed james and lilys wedding! what the hell? they were so upset at you, you’ve pushed us away so how do you expect us to help you! we’re grieving too!” sirius voice got louder every word as remus sighed watching your tears fall silently. he was of course disappointed that you weren’t there but there was better ways to say it.

scoffing as sirius stood there breathing heavily with anger, remus whispered something to him causing sirius to nod.

“we’re leaving, i don’t want to speak to you until you can realize what you are doing.” he didn’t wait for a response, turning around storming out of the house. remus looked at you as you stared at him, hoping he would say anything but he didn’t. he looked at his feet before turning around following sirius.

after a few seconds of silence, you grabbed the lamp of the small table by the couch throwing it on the ground with a sob. you slid everything off the coffee table as you cried and yelled.

you ran up the stairs into your room, opening your closet grabbing a bag off the stop shelf then grabbing clothes throwing them in the bag. you didn’t stop once as you left the house walking down the street.

that night was the very last night anyone saw you, they heard of things of someone trying to take down voldemort, no one knew who. but sirius knew it was you, the group knew. they knew that you were angry but they didn’t expect this.

months had passed and war had started, you knew of that. you listened to the radio hoping not to hear anyone’s name. you still loved them but you had to do this.

were close to finally ending this, ending him. you wanted to see your friends but you couldn’t do that without knowing this war was over and you’d avenged regulus’ death.

another few weeks had passed and voldemort was killing more but luckily you hadn’t heard anyone’s name. you knew he would be after them since they were trying to do the same with him.

it was the day you were going to take voldemort down, you were face to face with him and multiple death eaters. his top ones, you saw narcissa standing next to lucius. bellatrix and many more. you even saw his parents behind him.

narcissa was stuck, she wanted to run to you and stand beside you but if she did, she would be killed and soon enough her son would be too. she couldn’t do that. so she was to watch you be killed by him, or have him make someone else do it.

“you will not win this battle, girl. you will die!” voldemort yelled pointing his wand at you from a distance but it didn’t matter, he yelled those two words and you were gone.

you were covered in dirt and blood standing in a field waiting for him to kill you, breathing heavily feeling the large wound on your stomach from a cut one of the death eaters gave you fighting them.

“so kill me, tom. i would just be another to add to your list. but i am not the only one trying to kill you.” you used your energy to speak holding your wand at your side.

he laughed loudly causing the others to follow in suit, you saw walburga smirk at you from behind his shoulder.

the battle begun against you and them, you felt yourself get weaker every time one of them yelled a spell at you, not the one to kill. voldemort wanted to kill you himself. he stood in the same spot as the death eater’s tried to weaken you.

you now stood behind a small tree breathing heavily holding your wound, you had many but the one on your stomach was the worse one. you felt tears fall on your dirty face, looking down at your clothes you saw the blood seep through your top that had been torn. digging in your pants to find a dagger, you had only one chance at this. you heard the calls of your names from the death eaters.

you peaked from the tree to see voldemort standing still, regulus’ parents stood beside him speaking to him giving you your chance.

you took a step from behind the tree, bringing the knife beside your head. regulus had taught you how to throw knives but you weren’t a expert.

you breathed out, shaking your head as spots started to cover your vision. you groaned as you threw the knife watching it fly towards him, hitting him right in the throat. as you did the two beside him stepped back in shock as someone grabbed your waist covering your mouth from yelling.

“lucius!” you saw narcissa standing in front of you breathing heavily as her husband held you against him, “this is our chance, this is a chance to give draco a good life, let her go.” she spoke looking between you two. your eyes were wide, full of tears as blood and dirt covered your face, lucius stared at her before he looked to the field where many death eater’s were gathering around him not knowing what to do. he then looked back at you, throwing you forward.

you fell into narcissa’s arms with a sob, “thank you.” you breathed out as she rubbed your hair. she smiled at your words, you continued to breath but it was becoming more ragged. you then remembered what day it was, “take me to james’ house.” you said into her shoulder.

“lucius, go home.” she didn’t wait for his response as she apparited you both in front of his house. she saw all the lights on in the house and multiple cars in the driveway and in the road. you took yourself off of her body suppressing a groan.

“thank you, narcissa.” you pulled her into a tight hug ignoring the pain it gave you, she hugged you trying to be soft. once you pulled away, she brought her hand to the side of your face.

“reggie would be proud.” she smiled as she rubbed her finger against your dirty face ignoring the dirt falling on her own hand, you smiled brightly at her. “i wish to see you more, come visit any time.” she spoke looking at you, you nodded.

“of course, you must visit too.” you told her, she hummed lightly before nodding to the house, “go home.” she let her hand off of your face before stepping away and apparited herself.

turning your head towards the house, begging to limp your way towards the steps. it took a lot of pain but you did it. you knocked on the door loudly hoping they could hear, you could hear the loud chatter.

you only waited a few second’s before the door opened revealing james covered in birthday decor wrapped around his body. his mouth opened his shock, he looked over your body as his emotions flooded his body at the sight of you. it wasn’t unusual for james to cry easily, he was very sensitive but seeing you he gasped as tears flowed down his face throwing himself on you.

you groaned lightly but wrapped your arms around him, you both sobbed but you felt like he was crying more making you laugh lightly, “james, i, um, need to breath.” he chocked out a sob pulling away.

“sorry, sorry. i just can’t believe you’re okay— are you okay?” he examined your body finally seeing the torn part of your shirt and the blood, “bloody hell, you are not okay. come in.” he grabbed your arm pulling you in yelling for lily.

everyone heard the panic in his voice, stopping as lily stood up quickly. she couldn’t step more than three steps before james turned the corner with you next to him.

everyone froze in shock at the state of you, “oh my..” lily said as she took big steps toward you grabbing your body dragging you to a chair. she pushed you down softly but it still hurt, you swallowed trying not to yelp in pain.

“what happened?” she questioned looking at you as she bent down in front of you, “death eaters.” everyone made a noise of shock at your words. you looked up at everyone who stared at you, all of them had different faces but you didn’t have the energy to figure it out.

“he’s dead.” you spoke lightly but everyone heard you since the room was silent, james gasped as lily snapped her head up. “w-what?” james stepped forward bending down on the other side of the chair.

“how? who?” he questioned making lily slap his leg, “james.” she sneered as she looked back at your wound tearing your shirt more. “this will be easy to heal, let me get my wand.” she stood up running up the stairs, you looked at your dirty pants feeling everyone burning a hole through your head.

“i did. then i fled.” you said continuing to look at your leg, james brought his hand to your arm softly. you honestly were waiting for everyone to yell at you but no one spoke. you sat there waiting for lily until you heard her footsteps running down the stairs.

she kneeled down in front of you ripping the bottom half of your shirt, muttering out a spell making the wound close slowly. you winced as you watched it, she asked if you had anymore and you told her no so she stood up.

“james, take her to the bathroom. i put out some extra clothes you’ve left here.” lily brought her hand to your arm giving it a squeeze before stepping out of your way. james helped you up leading you up the stairs.

he opened the door for you, he was about to turn around and leave but you grabbed his wrist. he looked at you, “happy birthday, prongs.” smiling the best you could at your friend. he smiled brightly fixing his glasses.

“this is the best birthday present, well right behind lily being pregnant.” james spoke causing you to gasp, “oh my! what?” it didn’t seem possible but he smiled more at the happiness in your eyes. you threw your arms around him, he gladly hugged you back.

“congratulations, james.” you told him pulling back as you stepped into the bathroom more, “thank you.” he said as he walk backwards before you shut the door.

you turned the shower on, stripping your clothes off then stepping in the shower. the hot water felt good on your body, you watched the dirt and blood wash off your body on to the floor of the shower. you stayed in longer even after washing everything, you hadn’t had a proper shower in what felt like forever.

once you got out and changed, you sat down on the closed toilet debating on going down. you knew you had too but you also knew everyone would ask questions and you would have to answer.

deciding it would be best to get it over with tonight, you put your clothes in the hamper you made your way downstairs.

stopping at the bottom stairs to see james looking at you with a smile. he jerked his head for you to sit down causing everyone to turn to you. surprising you, they all smiled brightly at you as you sat between lily and james.

marlene being herself she immediately asked what happened, everyone yelled in her name causing you to laugh.

“it’s fine, you have a right to know.” so you did, you explained everything from start to finish not leaving anything out, you swear you saw tears coming out of sirius’ eyes but not saying anything.

“wow… we’re glad you’re okay.” lily spoke from beside you, giving her a small smile even though you felt like you were trapped in a small hole as you told them everything, you felt like you were re-living every moment.

“thank you. i’m going to step out for air.” smiling at everyone as you squeezed through everyone sitting on the floor. sirius watched you walk out the back door, remus caught him watching you debating something. “you should go.” he spoke softly, “you both need it.” sirius went back and forth in his head before standing up and walking out the back door.

he closed the door behind him catching your attention from the top step on james’ back porch, you turned your head to meet eye with sirius. he stopped for a second as you turned back around, “i’m not gonna bite.” you said shortly causing him to look down at his shoes, he sighed taking a few steps to sit beside you.

you two sat their in silence waiting for one to speak, you were glad to be back but sirius had said things that rang in your head as you were gone.

“i’m sorry, for everything. what i said, how i dealt with everything. i don’t even deserve your forgiveness.” his voiced cracked making him put his head in his hand, you turned to him with a questioning look.

“do you truly think… that he is disappointed in me?” your voice was hoarse but you were sure he could hear the cracks in your voice. he did, causing him to lift his head, both of your eyes were filled with tears in your eyes.

“no, not at all. he would be proud and you know it,” he chuckled shaking his head, “finishing what he started. you know he would he so fucking proud of you.” you smiled staring at the wooden steps as sirius spoke, “i’m proud of you. yeah, you bloody stupid to do that but you did it. you saved many lives without even knowing how many wizards and witches you saved.” tears fell at his words but his old words still rung in your head.

“yeah. y’know, reg would be proud of you too if you’d believe it. cussing me out and all.” you both laughed lightly, sirius sniffled causing you to look at him, he stared out in the yard but you still hugged him. he froze not expecting it but nonetheless he hugged back.

once you both pulled away, you continued to sit by each other staring out in the yard.

“i don’t think i’ll ever love again,” sirius snapped his head to look at you, “but i do wish to see you and remus walk down the aisle.” looking towards him with a smirk causing him to laugh before thinking of what you said before.

“you truly don’t think you’ll ever love someone else?” sirius questioned causing you to close your eyes tilting your head upwards and opening them to see the stars.

“no, i might but i don’t think so. regulus was my first love and it was a journey and my love will never go away,” you brought your head to look at sirius who had an unreadable look in his eyes. “we hav— had so many plans and i don’t think i could ever live through those plans with someone else. i’m happy to do it.” you spoke true words, you could possibly find someone you could love but you knew it would never work because regulus was who you wanted to live those dreams with.

sirius felt sadness run through his body at your words, he hadn’t felt so much sadness for someone. sirius also wasn’t the type to cry for someone like he had started to cry in the moment. you looked at him in shock as you watched the tears fall down his cheeks.

“sirius…” whispering out his name causing him to turn his head wiping his tears that wouldn’t stop falling.

“sirius.” you spoke his name more loudly but he did not respond, he turned around and wrapped his arms around you. not knowing what to say or do your arms wrapped around his as he started to sob. “i’m sorry, i just miss him— so much.” he spoke through his sobs making tears gather in your eyes, the amount of tears you’ve cried you knew your eyes would be dry tomorrow.

you held onto sirius as his sobs died down but you knew he needed this, and you did too. you truly did believe you would never love again but you knew all you needed was your family to be happy and grow families.

that was all you needed.

[twisted-tales-told]

hi honey - maple harvest and amber!

Hi Linds!!! ILY!!

This ask game

First of all when I saw this I melted at honey because pet names make me die inside (in a good way)

Second of all, the second time I saw this I spent a full minute scanning the ask game for “honey”

Maple— a hobby you’ve always wanted to try but never have

I need to learn how to make clothing. I have a friend who knows how now & I need to absorb the skills second hand (Jackie if u see this I m looking at you)

What fictional character do you most identify with

James Potter. I am a James Potter girlie to the end of my DAYS. I don’t even care if I don’t seem like him. He’s mine.

Amber — share an unpopular opinion you have

I feel like I have a lot but also idk if they’re unpopular or if I just have good friends

TO PREFACE I AM ANTI-CENSORSHIP write what you want but that doesn’t mean I have to like it!! And I will be talking about things I Hate below this. Obviously not like. Directly at people because as said im anti-censorship

1. Snape is way way way wAYY more interesting to me that BCJ and I also like snape more than I like Barty. Like just because JKR was weird about him liking Lily doesn’t mean we have to keep that & you even that out a bit and you’ve got a VERY interesting character right there.

2. Regulus Black is NOT a slutty snarky dead inside sugar baby and it makes me ANGRY when people write him this way. I get livid about the current dominant characterization for Regulus SO MUCH. I don’t like it. I don’t like it at all and tbh it’s 90% of why I left the fandom. Like truly it makes me so angry seeing him depicted this way. I have deep rage about it. This boy is a wet cat. In sophs words he is PRICKLY not PLUCKY. In Nats words he is SOGGY and a FREAK and a LOSER. He would not have friends in middle school. He is constantly living in the shadow of his cool older brother and wants to be like him and fails to recognize what is special about being himself.

Like James falling in love with him is entirely just James looking at the scraggliest most pathetic cat living in the woods behind his house and saying “yeah that’s mine”

And also regulus is mean to James because he’s scared of people leaving him not because Mean is one of his core character traits. Mean is nobody’s core character trait there’s always something behind the meanness and I rlly rlly hate when he Literally Bullies James. Like that’s not nice. I don’t like reading that personally it makes my chest hurt & not in a cute way.

ALSO the sugar baby trope doesn’t work when they’re both rich. That just doesn’t make sense. Regulus has more money than James and the only reason I think it’s written this way is—and same with Wolfstar—is because of heteronormative stereotypes. Which like if that’s what you want to be doing then fine okay go for it. I do hate it but if you care about my opinion then that rlly says more abt u & it is in fact a you problem.

3. I also have deep rage about the hc of James potter having BPD. I have seen it scrolling in the ao3 tags a couple times & like power to you ig but My neurodivergence that knows about psychology gets REAL mad about it because factually you’re just incorrect. Like BPD develops under very specific circumstances and I get really annoyed when that isn’t taken into account!!

You wanna talk BPD let’s talk Sirius Black, I am down to have that conversation.

But James Fleamont Potter does not have a single precursor to developing this personality disorder and it just gets to me. It gets to me okay? That’s my whole reasoning it just gets to me I hate when the psychology of a fic doesn’t make sense as to who the characters are at their core. In my head. So.

4. Learning to multi ship saves lives and if you’re not down for it at least a little bit then I do quietly think you’re gonna become one of those people who’s one day gonna be so close minded you’ll have the solutions to all ur problems appear on a plate in front of you and you’ll just be like “nah I’d have to leave my comfort zone”

5. Non fandom related…fun fact leaving your confort zone is a necessary part of life & you have to be willing to do so in order to learn, grow, and unlearn prejudice. So. Important skill to learn. Might as well start with ships.

ANYWAYS THIS GOT SO LONG

TL;DR: regulus characterizations in most fics rn make me ill, James potter deserves better than yall & so do i (not speaking of my beautiful lovely mutuals esp you Linds I am so sorry for unloading this on ur ask)

[nikolai-alexi]

Jegulus Mini Fic #4

WC: 5900 average read time 45 minutes

CW/Tags: MAIN CHARACTER DEATH, graphic descriptions of death, graphic descriptions of drowning, angst, all hurt kind of comfort?, HEA in death, minor descriptions/allusions of child abuse, period typical racism, barely proofread, yet again neither my goddamn HTML horizontal line or read more link formatting will not work so if anyone knows how to fix that please help I'm about to set this entire app on fire ngl, enjoy copious amounts of angst pals I made myself sad with this so you get to be sad too fuckers

Quote Credit: "The kindest people...so important in this world" - Bianca Sparacino "The Mind Journal" & "How is it so easy for you to be kind to people...because people have not been kind to me" - Rupi Kaur (quote is tweaked into multiple dialogues and extra detail)

They are perched together, not in the Astronomy Tower, but rather on top of it, the night Regulus asks James the question that tilts his entire world axis. They've not been together long, just a few blissful months filled to the brim with secret meetings above the roof of the Astronomy Tower and stolen kisses in broom cupboards and empty classrooms. They are still getting to know one another, really. Regulus knows James’ favourite colour is yellow and that he’s an absolute swot when it comes to Transfiguration, but struggles a lot with Potions. James knows that Regulus’ favourite colour is blue and that while Potions might be what he’s good at, he likes Charms more. Getting to know each other on a surface level like this has been fun, really; they laugh at each other for silly things, argue over what sweets are superior, share stories of things their friends have done, and they do so in the middle of heated snogging sessions and exploratory wanderings.

Tonight, however, the frigid November air between them is melancholy. There is a heavy silence and neither one of them seem to know how to break it. They aren’t touching, Regulus can barely stand their proximity as it is, his skin is crawling and his mind is racing, yet the thought of not being near James is much worse than the discomfort he’s currently facing. James’ eyes are dark and oh-so sad. Regulus sees all the emotions he desperately wants to let out reflected back to him in those warm, espresso-coloured eyes.

Walburga has informed him that he is to take the Mark this summer. He will be sacrificed to the Dark Lord and be a shackled slave for the rest of his life. He will be forced to torture and kill in the name of someone who he does not have the barest hint of respect for. He will be forced to kneel and simper before someone who he would otherwise look down upon and scoff. At barely sixteen years old, he will be forced to give himself over and enslave his magic. He cannot breathe right with this knowledge weighing down on his chest. He has no choice but to do as his Mother wishes; otherwise, she will hunt his brother down to the ends of the Earth and rip him away from the only home and real family he’s ever known. Regulus refuses to be so selfish. He will do anything to keep Sirius safe from her, even if it means condemning himself to die. Sirius saved him so much pain and suffering for the sixteen years he lived in that house; this is the least Regulus can do for him in return.

This whirlpool of thoughts circling ‘round and ‘round his head is what prompts the question to fall past his lips without his permission.

“How do you do it?” He asks, his voice is hoarse from all the crying he’s done today. He’s so drained that he doesn’t have it in him to be embarrassed about it.

James looks at him, a little startled from the sudden cease in their respective silences, but cocks his head curiously at him, “How do I do what, Reg?”

He fumbles for words for a moment, and he hates the inadequacy of the ones he chooses, but he doesn’t actually know how to ask this, “How are you so kind? How is it so easy for you to be so kind to people?”

James is quiet, but Regulus can tell he’s thinking, so naturally, he word vomits his nervousness at James' answer out, “It’s just— well, I don’t want to be bad, James. I don’t like being cold and cruel, but I don’t know how to be kind. I don’t know how to feel kindness or sincerity. I watch you with people you don’t even know and I wonder if there’s some fundamental part of me that’s missing or if they’ve just made me into a monster,”

James sighs heavily, and he looks up into the sky for a long time before he speaks. His lip trembles a little bit and it strikes Regulus as strange. James looks…scared? The words that tumble out of his mouth drip with milk and honey, the tone is quiet and sweet, gentle, in a way that James is so rarely allowed to be, but the words themselves are bitter, poisonous things. They cut Regulus to the core, despite them not being directed at him at all.

“It’s not easy at all,” James sighs. He’s terrified and ashamed of speaking those words aloud. A large part of him wants to lie and say he just is that kind, that his parents raised a good kid who does his best to care for others and be kind to everyone. But he refuses to lie to Regulus, “I’m kind to others because people haven’t been kind to me,”

There is a long silence, and Regulus feels like he’s trying to decipher a lost language. He understands the words James says, but he can’t grasp what he means with them.

“But, everyone loves you, James. I don’t understand?”

James chuckles a hollow laugh and turns his entire body towards Regulus. Regulus follows suit. James looks at him intently, “Look at me, Regulus,” and, oh, hearing his full name fall from James’ lips feels strange, James calls him all sorts of ridiculous pet names he pretends to hate, or Reg, or Reggie, he very rarely calls him Regulus, “Look at me and tell me the very first thing you see. Pretend you’ve never met me before. Like I’m someone you pass in the street. What do you see first and foremost?”

Regulus scrunches his nose. He feels as though this is a trick question. There are so many variables to what someone would notice about another person depending on the situation. How should he know what he would notice first about James if he’d passed him on the street? Probably that he was bloody fit, but that doesn’t seem like the answer James is looking for. If he passed James on the street, would James be wearing one of his worn, holey band tee shirts? Or his yellow trainers? Would he smile at Regulus as he walks by?

“Your glasses?” Regulus guesses, it seems like a fair assumption. But James just smiles a sad smile.

“Put your hand up,” he says softly, and Regulus does. James doesn’t touch him, but he raises his own hand to mirror Regulus’.

“What do you see, Regulus?”

Oh. He understands now.

Compared to Regulus’ pasty, pale complexion, James’ is almost startlingly dark against it. Where you can quite clearly see the blue of some of Regulus’ veins, the skin around his hands and wrists almost translucent-like, James' skin is full of warmth and colour. His face and arms still hold onto the remains of a deep tan from the summer hols. He knows James spent a lot of time gardening with his mum over the break, and the right side of his face is just slightly darker than the left. He has freckles that dot his face, neck, and hands that are barely visible from far away, but Regulus has played connect the dots with them all. He has scars that litter his body, leaving little silver streaks against his skin. James is beautiful. Everything about him is warm and full of life and colour and joy. Regulus cannot imagine that anyone could look at James and not fall in love with what they see.

“My entire life has been riddled with slurs and vitriol, love. When people pass me in the street, the first thing they see is the colour of my skin, and immediately I am less than human to them. The Wizarding World and the Muggle World are the same in that regard.”

“When I was seven, I met a boy in town at the park. We played together all day until his Dad came to pick him up. We’d agreed to meet again the next day to play. I went home and told my parents how excited I was, and all about the new friend I’d made. That next day, I went to the park to play with my new friend and he told me to go back to my own country and threw sand in my face,”

Regulus’ mouth dropped open, “Merlin,” he breathed. James cocked a sad smile.

“I have dual citizenship with Britain and India, but I was born here in the UK. But people see the colour of my skin, and nothing I do will ever change their perception of me. I will always be second because my skin is brown and theirs is white,”

James is quiet for a long moment, “There is a cruelty in me, Reg. One that festered with years of anger and bitterness because I hated being judged and scrutinised for every little thing. There are times I genuinely want to hurt people. There are times when I desperately want to turn that vitriol back at the people who yell it at me. There are times I want to just scream and let my magic last out and destroy everything around me,”

“Being kind doesn’t come easy to me, Reg. I have to consciously choose, each and every time, to do the right thing or be the bigger person. And I don’t always make that choice when I should, sometimes I let that cruel side of me out. In the moment, letting that viciousness out, letting the bitterness breathe, releasing everything that I’m constantly fighting against, it feels good. It makes me feel victorious and superior, like if I cut the people around me down until they’re small, it’ll make me feel bigger. In the moment, it’s a wonderful feeling, a dark one, but no less wonderful. In the end, though, I might hurt someone else and feel my own wounds close temporarily, I only end up bleeding more,” James falls quiet once more, tapping his fingers against his knees that he’s drawn into his chest.

Regulus knows exactly what James is talking about. He does exactly that to the people around him. Using words to gut another person, to inflict pain and anger and make them feel exactly how he always feels, is something of a talent of his. Or, it’s something of a Black Family talent, he supposes. For as good as Sirius is in comparison to the rest of them, he does the same thing. Andy, Bella, and Cissa are the same. They have never felt the hand of kindness; it’s like wielding a weapon they’ve never seen before. The Black children have only been taught how to slice, rip, and stab at others with fatal efficiency. He doubts they will ever truly understand how to caress, nurture, or love.

Regulus nearly misses James’ next words, lost in his own mind as he is, but thankfully he comes back to the present in time. James’ words are careful and gentle, but there is a brittle edge to his voice still.

“My mum says that the best things in life rarely come from easy choices. And I believe that, at least partly. Choosing to be kind or do the right thing isn’t easy, but lots of good things come from it. But hard choices aren’t the only things that bring good things. Sometimes, the easiest choice is the best thing that ever happens to you,”

Regulus cocks his head, curious. James sounds certain, like he’s thinking about something specific. He waits to see if James will elaborate, but when he doesn’t, Regulus glances over at him, “Like what?”

James smiles, it’s a sad thing; his eyes are misty with tears he won’t let fall, and Regulus feels like no wonders of the world will ever measure up to the beauty of James Potter and the endless, foreign feeling of security Regulus always feels when he looks into James’ eyes.

“Like loving you,” he says, as though it’s the most simple thing in the world for him to say.

Regulus feels as though he can’t breathe again, but oxygen feels irrelevant in the face of this revelation. His body, his brain, and his heart are screaming. He so desperately wants to love James. He so desperately wants to be loved by James. He wants, and wants, and wants. He's well aware that he's a selfish little creature, but here in this moment, all he can think about is how desperately he craves to understand what it is to be loved. What is it like to feel valued and cherished by another person? His namesake is at the very heart of the Leo constellation, but he cannot be satisfied by that any longer. The centre of a constellation lightyears away is no longer enough; he wants to be the centre of someone's entire universe. Will it feel like the silly muggle romance books he pretends he doesn't read describe? Does he know how to love in return? He doesn't know the answer to that, but he thinks he would work so very hard at trying to love James. He knows he shouldn't. He knows he should end this now and save them both the pain, but as he searches James' face and looks into those eyes, so full of warmth and life, he finds that he simply doesn't care what he should or shouldn't do. He peers into James' eyes, searching for any hint of deception, but all he finds is an endless feeling of foreign-feeling security and promise. And he knows then that he won't choose kindness as James does. He is an evil, selfish creature at his core, and he is not strong enough to pick the hard choice. He wants. He needs.

"You shouldn't," Regulus whispers, "love me. You shouldn't. You should run and save yourself from the Hell I'm going to put you through."

James says nothing. He watches Regulus, and he waits. Regulus runs his hands through his curls, musing them in a way he would never do in the company of anyone else. He knows he should make James leave, protect him somehow, but he doesn't.

"I don't even know what love is, James," His voice cracks, admitting that out loud, letting those words finally surface from the depths of his soul feels like it rips a hole in his heart, "I'm like a slow poison. I'll end up killing you in the end, you know that, don't you?"

James' lips quirk in a humourless grin. They will be on opposite sides of the War. Neither of them have a choice in that matter, and even if they did, Regulus doubts either of them would choose differently.

"I have a hard time believing that any poison could taste as sweet as you do," He says. The words are flirtatious, but they lack his customary playful smirk and spark. Regulus lets out a brittle laugh.

They are silent for long moments. The sounds of the Forest coming to life surround them. Regulus has half a mind to snatch James up and seek sanctuary in the Forest. Perhaps they can outrun the War together. They could disappear into the night's mist, and find a home within the woods and wilderness. Their biggest worry would be werewolves on the full moon, and in comparison to the Dark Lord, werewolves looked like overgrown puppies.

Regulus sighs; the cloud of air puffs in front of him, billowing like smoke in the empty space before him. He returns his gaze to James. They stare at each other, neither blinking, neither speaking, neither breathing.

"You understand what you're doing, right? You know how this will go?"

"Yeah, Regulus, I know,"

"What will we do when..." He can't push the rest of the words past his lips, already the thought of the inevitable threatens to drown him in the waves of his emotions. He may not need to worry about killing James after all. The weight and pain of this may kill him instead.

James says nothing for a long time, breaking their connection and gazing across the grounds. Regulus wants him to look back again, look, he wants to say, look at me, even if all you see is darkness, look at me because I cannot stand for you to look away and see someone better.

"We do what we can for as long as we can, and when we can't anymore, we try to handle the can't as best we can," James' voice is full of conviction and his eyes blaze with a kind of fire Regulus has never seen before. He's seen the fires of pain, of anger, and of sadistic glee, but he's never seen a fire in someone's eyes made of pure love. He finds himself wishing he could step into the dark orbs of James' eyes and let that fire consume him wholly and leave nothing of him behind.

Before he's able to respond, James speaks once more, "Who knows," he whispers, "Maybe we get lucky in this life and on the other side of the can't, there'll be a can,"

Regulus doesn't have the heart to tell James that he simply isn't a lucky person. Luck has abandoned him at every turn, and he's not deluded enough to hope it might change this time, so he just hums and drops his head against James' shoulder and lets his arm pull him into the warmth of his body, "Maybe," he whispers.

***

The kindest people are not born that way, Regulus thinks; they are made. They are the souls that have experienced so much at the hands of life. They are the ones who have dug themselves out of the dark, the ones who have fought to turn every loss into a lesson. The kindest people do not just exist — oh no, Regulus knows that the kindest people are the ones who choose to soften where circumstance has tried to harden them. They choose to believe in goodness because they have seen firsthand why compassion is so necessary. They have seen firsthand why tenderness is so important in this world.

Regulus now knows intimately what kind of strength it takes for someone to choose kindness over something like anger or fear. He is reminded of it as he watches James Potter dive to knock Evan Rosier out of the way of the bright green Killing Curse that Mad-Eye Moody sends his way, completely ignoring the yells from his comrades. Even as he stuns Evan and whips around to punch Barty in the face, knocking him out cold, Regulus is flooded with reminders of how strong James’ kindness is. He is floored by an emotion he can only describe as tenderness, maybe love? He doesn’t know, but when he meets James’ eyes across the battlefield, he sees that same feeling reflected back at him in those beautiful eyes and he thinks he finally understands what it feels like to love another person wholly and completely. The force and intensity of it threatens to bring him to his knees right there in the middle of the blood-soaked battlefield. He gets it now. He breathes in deeply. They are still locked onto each other’s gaze, spellfire is all around them and screams fill the air as people from both sides are hit with curses or watch their comrades take their last breaths. He breathes in the putrid smell of ash, flames, and blood that surrounds him. He squares his shoulders.

He knows what he must do now. This time, he will choose kindness.

James must see the resolve that comes over his face because suddenly he’s running towards him like a madman. Regulus smiles behind his mask, smiles the sweet, soft smile that makes his dimple appear. He smiles the smile that James adored several years ago when they sat up on the roof of the Astronomy Tower. He smiles the smile that only James has ever seen.

"I love you" he whispers, the words are thick and heavy against his tongue; he's not sure if he's ever said those words, "I want to be good this time. I want to choose kindness. Goodbye, Jamie, remember me, please,"

He twists to apparate away, but James is quick; his hand latches onto Regulus’ ankle with a vice grip, and he gets sucked into the apparition with him. They land on a sorry-looking beach in Devon, where a large cave sits at the end of the shore.

They bicker and squabble the entire time, just like they used to. It feels as though no time has passed since the last time they held each other. Everything with James feels so easy, so warm, so sweet. Like honey and hot chocolate and cardamom. He wants to breathe in James and let that comforting feeling envelop him for the rest of his life.

They enter the cave together and they obliterate the Horcrux beneath the basin. Regulus falls even more in love with the way James wields Dark magic that they both knew he shouldn't know. James rocks him through the delirium from the Dark Lord's potion, he stays aware of James' arms around him the whole time. The memories assault his consciousness, but he doesn't pay them real mind. All he can focus on, even with the scorching pain and spasms running through his body, is how much he missed the feeling of James' strong arms around him. Oh, how he missed the seeping warmth caressing his skin. How he missed the only feeling of safety he's ever known. When the potion has run its course, when the haze of pain leaves Regulus' eyes, they celebrate on that little island, tangled together; they still fit together perfectly. Like two pieces of a fucked up jigsaw puzzle, they are cut precisely to slot their edges together.

Regulus' ankle is grabbed for the second time this day, but this time it's by a hand that is completely devoid of warmth. It's a slimy, grey hand partially decayed. It yanks him towards the water and he tries to fight it off. But he is magically and mentally exhausted from the potion and destroying the Horcrux; his reactions are slow and his thoughts are muddled. James is fighting off several inferi, but he is slowing. He's just as exhausted as Regulus is. Fear claws at his chest, not for himself, no, he had known he would die here, and he's made his peace with that, but James cannot die here. He won't allow it. James is good and kind and brave. James cannot die in some cave in Devon where no one will ever find his body. He must live.

Before he is pulled into the murky water, Regulus pulls every scrap of magic he has left in his body and screams out a spell he's only used twice in his life.

"Fiendfyre!"

His flames form a magnificent stag and they cut through the inferi like they're nothing. He is still being dragged into the water and he feels more hands gripping and pulling his leg further into the dark depths below. James grabs onto his free hand and tries futility to pull him back to shore, but they both know it's no use.

"Go," Regulus whispers, "Leave me. Get out of here, my love,"

James smiles that crooked grin of his, adorable and charming even as the light in his eyes shines brightly with fear and tears.

"I told you once I would never let you feel alone again. I don't break my promises, Regulus Arcturus Black. I'm not about to start now."

Two men walked into that cave at the end of that pathetic-looking beach in Devon.

Neither of them walks out.

As the water fills his lungs and the lack of oxygen begins to make black spots speckle across his vision, Regulus stares into James' eyes. James stares back. With the last bit of air in his lungs he opens his mouth and says,

"Thank you for teaching me how to be kind. I love you, forever, James Potter,"

He has no way of knowing if James heard him or understands what he said, but as the water rushes into his lungs and he feels himself slip away, he can't help but feel happy that he isn't dying alone. He's always been a selfish little creature, hasn't he? He knows when James is leaving behind. He knows he should make him leave. But he won't. The frigid water should be chilling him to the bone, should be making his teeth chatter, should make him go numb, but holding James' hand as they're both being dragged under, all he feels is completely engulfed in that perfect, warm flame that he'd wanted to step into the first time he'd seen it. The last thing he registers feeling is the warmth and love coming from James' steel grip on his hand.

Maybe he's a little selfish for leaving the world without their human equivalent of the sun. He doesn't care. Despite the water's icy cold chill and the pressure in his lungs, he feels at peace.

He knows now what it means to love someone. He knows now what it means to choose kindness.

His eyes drift shut.

He is at peace.

***

The world moves on without them. The Dark Lord, unknowingly rendered mortal by Regulus and James, is killed in the least dramatic fashion. A misfired jelly-legs jinx wobbles him right in the way of a Killing Curse fired by none other than Bellatrix Lestrange.

Wizarding Britain starts to heal, slowly, but surely. The Ministry is rebuilt and legislation is passed in the hopes of preventing another Dark Lord. Funerals are held, eulogies are given, and mourning wear is worn by everyone.

Everyone except one.

Sirius becomes obsessed with finding his brother's and best friend's remains. He knows they're both dead. Going through their things has been a dreadful process. Finding out they had been dating for two years right under his nose was a nasty shock, but even he could see their adoration for each other plain as day in their letters, that each of them saved, and the few stolen pictures he found. It takes him several years to find Regulus' research on the Horcruxes. He finds the tattered remains of a diary, the gnarled remains of a ring, and a half-melted goblet that looks suspiciously like the one in the portrait of Helga Hufflepuff back at Hogwarts, stashed below the floorboards in Regulus’ room with countless scrolls and annotated pages of books torn out.

Regulus' research stops with a cave in Devon where he's located the next Horcrux, so Sirius grabs Remus and they apparate to a rather dismal beach with a cave at the end of the shore. Despite it being nearly seven years after Regulus and James apparated here, their magical signatures are still very evident. No wizard has been here since then.

A short walk and a smear of blood across a rock wall lead them to the cavern where a small island rests in the middle. Sirius and Remus ride the boat across the lake. They can feel there were once very heavy and dark wards laid across the basin, but they're no longer active. Remus siphons the grey potion out of the basin and Slytherin's locket appears in the bottom. It has a small magical signature, but nothing like the destroyed diary had. He opens it.

The note left addressed to Voldemort is signed by his brother, with his typical flare for dramatics. The real Horcrux is destroyed, probably discarded somewhere in the cave. He looks at Remus.

"The lake is full of inferi," Remus says, sniffing the air lightly and wrinkling his nose at the unpleasant smell.

Sirius grimaces. But he hasn't dedicated half a decade and change trying to find James and Regulus for nothing. This will be one of the hardest things he ever does, he knows, but it will destroy him if he doesn't find them and lay them both to rest.

"Whatcha say, then, Moons? Up for a bit of bar-be-que?"

Remus grins dangerously, amber eyes glinting golden. Always ready for a fight, that one, "You know it,"

Sirius can't help but grin in return. He slaps the water with his hand and jerks quickly away as inferi race to the surface. They work quickly together. Both powerful wizards and comfortable duelling with each other, they manage to cut through hundreds of inferi with little difficulty.

"Pads," Remus says quietly. Sirius knows that tone of voice. A trickle of fear runs down his spine. Remus couldn't be tiring, could he? They haven't been duelling for more than an hour, Sirius has barely broken a sweat.

"Yeah, Moony?"

"Trade spots with me. You need to see this,"

Oh.

He swallows against the rising lump in his throat. He has to do this. He can't back out now. He takes a gulp of unpleasant air, trying to prepare himself for what he's about to come face to face with.

"On my count, then, yeah?" Sirius asks, a little breathless. Remus just grunts in the affirmative as he blasts several inferi apart with a strong incendio.

"Right then," Sirius mumbles. He slices four inferi apart with quick whips of lacero that his mother would likely be proud of, Merlin only knew she'd used it on him and Regulus enough as children. Really, it only made sense that he would be a deft hand at it, "Ready...now!"

Remus and Sirius roll against each other's backs, balancing and propelling one another in the right direction. It's a practised move for them; they haven't used it since the War, but it's still smooth as ever. They have to work hard for a few minutes fighting back the inferi that closed in during the half-second it took them to change sides. So he doesn't see it at first.

Once he's gotten the charging undead pushed back to a manageable distance, he glances around. His knees nearly buckle when he sees it. Only instinctual self-preservation keeps him standing up, his body intrinsically knowing that if he crashed to the ground, he'd surely die.

"Fucking hell," he wheezes. His breath has been punched out of him. He's basically fighting blind because he can't tear his eyes away from it.

Standing away from the hoard of fighting water zombies, are two inferi with their hands and arms melded together. They're both partially decayed, but not as bad as one would expect for seven years underwater. They aren't attacking, or moving at all, just standing on the beach in the torn remains of a long black robe and one yellow trainer on the left foot, and one red trainer on the right. The James-inferi has its head cocked, almost curiously. Sirius wants to cry from how familiar that look is. Wants to laugh at James' mismatched trainers he completely forgot he'd worn the night he'd disappeared.

It doesn't take them much longer before he and Remus have destroyed the last of the inferi. They vanish the remains of the undead and turn their attention to the inferi still standing in the same place. Their hands and half their firearms are conjoined by mangled flesh; it's a gruesome image, certainly, but it's also romantic in a way. Even though they're both long gone, long dead, Sirius can't help but be grateful he gets to see tangible proof of their love for each other.

Sirius sighs and squeezes his eyes shut. He feels for Regulus' magical signature, trying to see if he can tell what he cast before they died. Luckily, he'd used a massive spell, and even seven years later, he can feel the ashen touch of Fiendfyre.

"Right then, lovebirds, you've been away from home long enough, don't you think? It's high time to rest now," Sirius says. He doesn't know why he's bothering to talk to inferi; they aren't sentient creatures, so it's rather pointless. But James and Regulus still look so human. It's hard to believe they aren't alive, even with the bits of flesh falling off their bones, and sagging with waterlogged skin. He wants to believe that he sees their shoulders drop in tandem, like relief, but he knows that's madness. It's still a nice thought, even if it hurts, to believe there's something of them left now; it makes it easier to do this. He knows without a doubt that neither James nor Regulus would want to be tied to the Earth like this after their deaths. He's happy to give them their freedom from this watery hellscape of a grave.

He readies himself. He summons every bit of bitter resentment and hatred he has in him and casts the spell. The inferi take a tandem step into the flames. He knows he's not imagining their relief when the James-inferi smiles and the Regulus-inferi turns its head to James, a look of peace across his features. The snarling canine flame consumes their water-logged bodies with a painful, echoing howl in seconds as if his very magic calls out for the two people he will never have again and leaves a small pile of ash behind it. Remus accio’s the pile and puts it gently into an urn they’d made.

"Okay," Sirius heaves a deep breath, trying to stave off his impending breakdown; there will be time for that later, "I think I'm ready."

"Ready for what?" Remus asks, his voice is just as hoarse as Sirius' own. He's just as affected and emotional as Sirius is, but trying to keep it together. They'll fall to pieces together, but later, only after they've finished this.

"To lay them to rest. They've been cremated, obviously, but Reggie put in his will that he wants a tombstone and a gravesite, so I want to make sure he gets it. And I don't want to separate them,"

"Best get crackin' on, then, shall we?"

Their headstones are delivered a week later. The caskets remain empty besides a destroyed locket and melted goblet in one, and a shredded diary and a ring in the other. Sirius and Remus clutch necklaces with small, clear vials filled with ash as the gravedigger lowers the caskets gently into their graves and seals the dirt in with magic.

The headstones are two different marble types. One of them is white marble, and the other is black marble. The stone is cut to fit together like a puzzle piece, two completely different types of the same material. Just as James and Regulus were to each other.

The stone reads the run-of-the-mill things, their names, birthdays, best approximate death dates, etc. but across the top, carving through the puzzle pieces reads a quote that Sirius still hasn't been able to work out the meaning from Regulus' many notes and written ramblings. It's a profound thing, that's for sure, and Sirius is glad he stumbled upon it, because it simply felt right to go on their headstone. It reads:

True kindness is only found in the person who has experienced the horrors of life, has the capacity for cruelty, and yet often still chooses to be compassionate. Anyone can be violent, but very few are truly kind.

[itsjaywalkers]

ten lines, ten people

rules: share the first lines of ten of your most recent fanfics and tag ten people. if you have written less than ten, don’t be shy and share anyway.

thank you @ad-astra-per-aspera7 @messrsage and @serethereal for tagging me <3

okay so i don't have 10 wips, and almost all of them are in the outlining phase anyway because i'm only writing one of them atm (the brainrot is strong) so i'm going to steal kat's idea and just share a few little snippets at the end of this from my current wip <3

1.it started out with a kiss, how did it end up like this (one-shot)

"He's allowed to kiss whoever he wants, really," Lily mumbled for the upteenth time that evening, a terrible line of wrinkles between her eyebrows and lips pressed tightly.

2.all the violence that i swore you could have back (one-shot)

The first thing that Lily notices when she reaches the entrance of the flat is that the door is open.

3.making ghosts (wip, unposted)

You see, there’s something you need to understand about this, about the world and the whole ordeal of being alive, if you intend to make any sense out of it. And that is that ghosts are real.

and since there's no point in sharing notes from messy outlines, here are some random making ghosts snippets:

4. “Really, Prongs?” Sirius asks with an arched eyebrow, not at all bothered by the exasperation in James’ gaze. “You know, this actually works in your favour. Since it means you’re not getting your heart eaten tonight.”

5. Starting an argument is what Barty wants whenever he’s bored, or becomes antsy, or is simply in a bad mood, because he still doesn’t quite know how to behave around other people without being confrontational. He grew up raised by a man who couldn’t bear the sight of his own son, unable to talk to him without picking a fight, and a woman who was too soft, too distant, to step up for him when the situation required it.

6. James is letting out a startled chuckle before he can help it, the sound surprising even himself. He’s so unbelievably mean. James finds it delightful.

7. Remus has a very distinct way of saying Sirius’ name, just like Sirius pronounces his with a sort of reverence, almost as if his tongue is tasting a prayer, something sacred that begs to be worshipped.

8. “Please, tell me you have not actually hired an exorcist,” Regulus mutters, mildly horrified at the prospect.

9. He had to become obsessed with the worst possible option, and now they’re here, Reg about to commit an actual murder with James as a witness, and that only if he doesn’t end up getting killed, too, which James doesn’t think he would mind that much, because this situation can’t get any worse, and Reg still looks impossibly lovely, and dying at his hands does not sound as bad as it probably should.

10. And now Sirius is back. Not a ghost, and not a memory. Sirius, the real one. His big brother.

tagging ten people is absolutely crazy, and i'm pretty sure all the people i follow have already done it, so!! not tagging anyone this time!! but please feel free to do it if you see this <3 (and tag me because i'd love to see)

[theballadoffinchesandsaints]

Let’s talk about the Vaincre trade:

(As I am writing this, only the first full chapter, July, has been published)

I’ve said before that I’m fairly certain it’s going to be Leo, but I want to walk through the thought process that got me there (this is long and unedited. You’ve been warned).

First, since this is going to be such a major plot point, I think it’s going to be a character who’s inner circle had at least a minor spotlight in the first chapter. These were Coops, O’knutzy, O���darwin, Thomas & Noelle (do they have a ship name???), Regulus (tho he’s obviously disqualified for not being a pro player rn), and Cole (with a bit of Dumo).

Additionally, I think a key component of this plotline will be developing characters so that they can stand on their own once separated from a crucial relationship (thematically, it makes the most sense to me).

With that in mind, let’s do some quick (yeah lol prob not quick) disqualifications from the list:

Remus: I know this is a more common theory (and god would it hurt) but Remus’ storyline is already jampacked with living up to the standards of the league, team, and public, as well as adjust to a new relationship dynamic with Sirius. On a more heavy note, Remus will have to navigate how playing hockey will interact with the trauma of Greyback’s attack and the resulting injury. I’m sure most of us inferred that this would be a plot point, but the idea was solidified in a snippet of Remus and the team discussing predictions for the top teams of the season.

Sirius: while narratively, I actually think it would be fascinating to see the lions learn to be a team without their leader and to see Sirius have to learn that there are other parts of the world he can trust, this one falls apart in both logistics and clues Hazel has already given us. Truly, I cannot imagine a trade in which it would make sense for the Lions to give up their beloved, talented, effective captain and first line center, especially after he just led them to Stanley Cup. And when someone asked Hazel about (I believe) what relationships would be highlighted in Vaincre, Coops made the list with the qualification that their storyline would largely center around Remus’s adjustment to the team. A Sirius trade requires long-distance Coops angst which, while possible, would be both difficult and against the spirit of the statement.

O’Darwin and Thomas & Noelle already have long-distance angst happening in July, so trading either Kasey or Thomas would miss some of the emotional punch we know Hazel is going to give us.

Cole: I mean, the kid’s a rookie. It doesn’t really make sense. Threads seem to be being set up with the Dumais’ baby sitter and maybe one of the new PTs? (I don’t remember exactly where I’m getting this from, but I’m near certain it was from Hazel’s tumblr). It seems like physical encounters are going to be a big thing with both of these relationships, plus all the obvious great storylines of a new rookie getting comfortable in the team, make it unlikely Cole will be the trade. Not to mention, there are no guts to punch with Cole. We love him already, but he isn’t close with anyone on the team yet. We’d feel disappointed, not devastated, if he got traded. We all know Hazel’s going for devastation.

Dumo: this one approaches probability for me. Dumo would be heartbreaking for every member of the team, but especially Sirius and Logan. It would also sort of follow through on a previous idea from a rough draft of SW where Dumo has a career-ending injury. All the players would have to learn to navigate life without a father figure, and it would break down the system of where many Lions rookies live. But this one’s all speculation, at least as far as I know. It’s not hinted at in July, and I can’t think of any snippets that suggest Dumo. Plus, it feels like all of the main POVs have been set up in July, and we know from the dreaded “of being a lion” snippet (in which said player gets called about the trade) that we do get POV chapters from the player who’s traded.

We’ll get back to O’knutzy later. First, some people who aren’t on the list that I feel are worth discussing briefly (tho these are unlikely for the reasons at the end of Dumo’s):

Kuny & Nado: Now, I remember Kuny’s “no trades, no trades” thing from Hazel’s tumblr. It hurts. It feels like foreshadowing. But, remember, Hazel has also said that these boys will both play a more secondary role in Vaincre. They’re both safe.

James: I go back and forth on this one all the time. Thematically, separating Sirius and James would be both heartbreaking and deeply interesting. James was a major force in bringing Sirius out of his shell, and Sirius would have to learn to maintain that without his best friend always by his side. James and Lily are also suspiciously absent from July. I know Hazel said they’re on their honeymoon, and I’m not disputing that in any way, shape, or form. However, it does provide ample excuse to become a new POV in August. However, I can’t find any snippets to really support it. And, just, in general, James as a character in Hazel’s fics (or at least in Solntse and SW) provides a stable backbone for the other characters. He’a developed as a character but stable and happy. This could be the thing that changes that, but, at the very least, it doesn’t fit the narrative role he serves in SW, and I think it would change the feel and character dynamic of the fic as a whole (not just of the team) too much for that to be the choice.

And then there’s O’knutzy:

Going into Vaincre, I asked myself: what are everyone’s plotlines going to be? Remus will adjust to the team and playing Greyback. Sirius will largely be his support system, tho some stuff may be done with his relationship with Regulus and/or moving on from any semblance of his parents’ influence. Dumo will welcome rookie Cole onto the team. James will be a new father. Thomas and Noelle will have long-distance relationship feels. Kasey will adjust to O’darwin, and probably also deal with his reoccurring injury.

And the cubs? Are in a happy, stable relationship with everything they’ve ever wanted. The seeds to a storyline regarding whether or not they choose to come out was definitely hinted at in July, but I don’t think it will be their sole focus. Thankfully, there is nothing pressuring them to come out currently. They think about it. They long to do it. But nothing has changed since the end of SW/CtC. If one of them was long-distance, that would change the dynamic. When you can always go home to your two loving boyfriends, it doesn’t hurt quite as bad when you can’t be affectionate when out with them in public. When you’re only in the same city for a day or two roughly every month (depending on which team the trade is with), every second you could spend holding them and don’t hurts more and more. Whether I think they choose to come out or not, I really don’t know. I think so, but I’m definitely not sure. But the real question is, which cub goes away and prompts this?

If it’s a cub, it’s definitely Leo. Hazel posted a snippet that just...says so much.

Do I even need to explain? She practically told us. I’ve spent over an hour analyzing nearly every prominent Lion when Hazel practically told us Leo was going to be the trade with this right here.

But I do have more to say. I don’t think either Finn or Logan would work well as the trade. The plot of them being separated was well explored in CtC, and I honestly just don’t think it needs more examination. They learned to cherish each other, talk to each other, love each other freely and honestly. Them being separated again would just hurt. It wouldn’t serve a narrative purpose.

On the other hand, I do think Leo’s character could actually benefit from some time alone. He had barely a few months as a full-blown adult, working in the NHL, before he entered a committed relationship with his two lovely boyfriends, both of whom had had years more time to live with and explore themselves (tho it’s not as if they were doing that freely). A couple of months or even years dating long-distance could force Leo to have some more adventures on his own and come into himself more. Then, he can fully return to his boys, his “long-lost lover[s],” and be more stable in his love.

In a similar vein, Logan and Finn have only had short amounts of time to make their leg of the relationship stable and happy in comparison to the time they spent yearning or heartbroken. Even in CtC, their reflex is to go to Leo first, which is, of course, perfectly fine and lovely and adorable, but I think they need to spend some time unlearning that knee jerk reaction.

Then, when Leo comes back (because one way or another, in canon or in my head, he will), all three are confident in themselves as individuals and in each leg of the relationship as well as the three of them as group. No one and no couple n e e d s anything, but they come back together because they all love each other, more than anything.

That’s what I think will see in Vaincre. At the very least, it’s what I want.

Vaincre is by the one and only @lumosinlove

[wish-upon-a-sapphic-star]

Alpha Fight

Whoops I wrote a superhero fic. Thanks again to @rowanisnever you are a beta god

Also someone please get the reference in the title I’m begging you

~~~~~

Sirius didn’t know where to go.

He couldn’t go home. Not right now, when everyone would be celebrating the capture of the Stag, surely to be tortured as a part of their festivities. He just couldn’t watch that. He couldn’t enjoy it like the others, only look away in horror.

There were days when he was proud to wear the name Alpha Star. Some dark part of him rejoiced when he saw people clear a path for him in a crowd, scuttling out of the way, making sure he got everything he wanted. It was nice to be respected.

But most days, he knew. He knew the world didn’t respect him. It feared him. It saw his strength and what he had done, what he had threatened to do, and cowered in fear.

He had been raised to covet that fear. The most powerful man in the world is he who people are most afraid of, his mother had always said. Perhaps that was true. Perhaps being a great super villain meant causing terror. But if that was true, he didn’t want to be great. He didn’t even want to be a villain.

His entire life had been spent in the dark. He knew its name, knew its power, knew its taste. It didn’t suit him.

The Black family was born in the dark. They didn’t know anything else. His parents and cousins spent their entire lives hating and raging and destroying because they didn’t know how not to.

For so long, a part of him had hoped otherwise, no matter how stupid the thought had been, that his family even had the capability to love, the ability to maybe one day change. And maybe then he would no longer have to keep up this villainous ruse that was slowly destroying him, ripping what was left of his soul into pieces, forcing him to act against every moral he had ever had.

Only today did he realize how foolish he had been.

His family had never loved anyone, not even each other. They had made that clear.

Regulus was dead. They could have saved him. And they didn’t. They didn’t even bother.

Their mission had been capture the Stag. He and Alpha Wolf had been messing with their plans for weeks, and the Blacks had information on where he would be.

Sirius should have known it was a trap. He should have known the minute he realized how easy it was, but the thought didn’t occur to him until it was too late.

Regulus had fallen to his doom because it was either him or the Stag, and Bellatrix and Narcissa had chosen their enemy over their cousin. His family had done nothing but watch.

Regulus was dead. His little brother was dead.

He wanted to scream. He had screamed, actually, in an alleyway. A few civilians had looked at him strangely before realizing who he was and backing away.

Everything felt empty. Broken. Rain beat down on him, leaving crystalline droplets on his skin and suit, but he didn’t even notice. He just kept walking aimlessly, in the opposite direction of HQ. HQ was supposed to be his home, but he had never felt more unwelcome.

Reggie. His little brother. Gone.

He hadn’t cried, though he desperately wanted to. There was only grief. An aching emptiness in his chest weighing him down, because his little brother, the only family he had ever seen actually having any good inside him, was dead.

Regulus would never smile again. That rare, sweet smile that lit up Sirius’ life had been wiped from the face of the Earth. He would never again hear his brother laugh, or watch as he let out his ear-splitting roar that set the ground shaking, or hold his hand through the hell that was their home.

A tear slipped down his cheek.

Sirius stumbled into a puddle, water sloshing into his shoes. He shivered, startled from his thoughts. Shit, he really needed to get inside.

But where to go? He had no friends, no colleagues he trusted enough not to slit his throat, and no family to speak of that wasn’t busy torturing a superhero. There was no place for him.

He glanced at his surroundings. Hogwarts Lane, read the sign for the road up ahead. The name rang a bell. He searched his memory, repeating the words to himself and questioning where he had heard that name before.

His personal files, back at Grimmauld Place. That’s where. Unlike his cousins, Sirius kept tabs in his room in HQ on every hero he had fought. He had all of their personal information, from residency to search history to favorite uncle.

Alpha Wolf, or Remus Lupin, currently lived at 1971 Hogwarts Lane. Alpha Wolf, the hero he had fought with more than any other. That wasn’t a coincidence. In fact, it was quite purposeful. Sirius would specifically draw out Alpha Wolf for a fight, just so he could talk with someone interesting and still keep up appearances with his family. Combat with Alpha Wolf was more enjoyable than with anyone else he had encountered, though the Stag and the Doe were close seconds.

Alpha Wolf undoubtedly hated him. That he was sure of. Yet the next thing he knew his feet took him strolling down Hogwarts Lane in the direction of his enemy’s house.

~~~~~

Remus was panicking. Full-on, giant-ball-of-nerves, jumping-at-every-tiny-noise, questioning-all-of-his-life-decisions panicking.

The Celestials had captured the Stag. James, his best friend, his brother, was being held captive by two insane super villains and their friends—or family, it was rather unclear—and likely being tortured, possibly to death. His chest constricted. Breathing was an effort.

The Doe had called him not ten minutes ago hyperventilating. He didn’t blame her. How could he, when he was in the same state? Lily had hated James for years, had criticized his methods, and now when she had finally started to consider her feelings for him, he was ripped away from her.

He needed to rescue James, but he didn’t even know where to start. No one who knew would give Alpha Wolf the location, and even then he had no way to get past the security. Fuck. He was in such deep shit.

He rested his elbows on his desk, rubbing his forehead. How the hell was he going to work out this one?

A sound caught his ears. Footsteps. There was someone in his room behind him, trying to be quiet. Unfortunately for them, they had forgotten to account for Remus’ heightened senses.

He whipped around and slammed the invader against the wall, hand at their throat. His other hand flicked on the light switch.

Even without the eye mask, Remus recognized the man instantly.

“Alpha Star,” he growled. “You have a lot of nerve showing up here.”

Alpha Star coughed. Remus loosened his grip slightly, but he didn’t take his weight off him.

“I know.” His voice was solemn. “I heard about the Stag.”

“Oh, so you weren’t a part of the capture?” That was news to him. He had assumed Alpha Star would love to hurt someone important to Remus. “You just really enjoyed hearing about his defeat then?”

“Please, I’m not here to fight.”

Remus gave him a look, incredulous. “We’re nemeses. We don’t get timeouts.”

“Just this once?”

Remus narrowed his eyes. There were so many warning bells going off in his head, yet Alpha Star looked sincere.

“Remus, please.”

His heart stopped. No one except for Stag, Doe, and Rat knew who he was. “How do you know my name? How did you even find this place?”

Alpha Star smirked. Remus fought back the urge to slap him.

“I have a file.” He started speaking in monotone, reading like a robot. “Remus Lupin, son of Hope and Lyall Lupin. Alias: Alpha Wolf. Former address: 1960 Mischief Lane. Birthday: March 10th. Former romantic relationships…” He trailed off. “Need I go on?”

Remus swallowed the bitter taste in his mouth. “Please don’t.”

Alpha Star’s grin widened. “Trust me, if I was here to kill you, you would already be dead.”

Remus wasn’t sure he was convinced, but he backed away nonetheless. He had defeated Alpha Star before, he could do it again.

None of this was making sense. A super villain was in his bedroom, and they were… chatting?

“Fine. You’re not here to kill me,” Remus conceded. He moved into a defensive stance. “We’re still arch nemeses. We fight. It’s what we do.”

Alpha Star sighed. “Okay, I understand that, but what if we… didn’t? What if we just… I don’t know… hugged instead?”

It was official. One of them had gone insane. Remus had yet to decide who it was.

“I. What.”

They were enemies. What the hell.

“Why do we have to fight? Neither of us want to!”

“What, so instead of fighting from now on we just cuddle?” This was absurd.

“Uh. Umm.”

Remus pinched the bridge of his nose. “We’re enemies. I should be trying to kill you right now.”

“But why?” There was an edge to his voice. “Why do we have to be enemies?”

“Because you tried to bomb the Golden Gate Bridge!”

“I see your point. But at the same time… you don’t know the full story.”

“You would have killed hundreds!”

Alpha Star’s eyes darted around, scrambling for words. “But… I didn’t.”

“Because I stopped you!” That day had been terrifying—working to disarm a bomb while also trying to capture him.

Alpha Star nodded. “And it was easy, wasn’t it?”

That… was actually true. The bomb had been surprisingly easy to disarm, and Alpha Star had barely put up a fight, though he still managed to get away. Come to think of it, it had been far too easy. “What are you saying?”

He spoke slowly, careful to choose his words. “I’m not saying anything. Only that you’re a master at foiling my plans.”

Remus thought it through. He had never once had a real problem defeating Alpha Star, even though he was objectively more powerful than any of the other Celestials. Had he actually been helping Remus the whole time?

He looked towards Alpha Star, the unspoken question in his eyes.

Alpha Star just smiled. A small, pained smile.

“Fine,” he sighed. “No fighting. Why did you come here?” That part still made no sense.

“I lost my brother today.” He paused, an emotion Remus couldn’t read scrawled across his face. “My family could have saved him.”

A small, sympathetic part of Remus’ heart broke for him. He knew what it was like to lose family. Friends. He knew how it broke a person, forced them to desperate measures.

Still. Alpha Star was his nemesis. He wasn’t so sure about this whole hugging concept. But perhaps, if what his enemy said was true, then he could be helpful…

“Fine. You get your hug. On two conditions.”

Alpha Star perked up almost imperceptibly.

“One. You tell me your name.”

His answer was instantaneous. “Sirius Black.”

Sirius. So that’s where the super villain name came from.

“And two. You lost your brother today.”

Remus looked into Sirius’ eyes to make sure he had his full attention. This would be no easy feat, and he needed to be sure Sirius was entirely with him.

“You’re going to help me get mine back.”

[radioh]

keeping track of my hp aus:

- harry moves weight and is kind of mean au, his friends back home r like his family and he feels disjointed suddenly Having Things Easily

- the dursleys give harry away; he’s fostered & eventually adopted by a big nigerian family who may or may not have magic of their own & he is constantly sucking his teeth and saying he’s going to call his mom up to the school. he ends up going to school much later on because he is basically lost in the system

- draco and a few other slytherins goes missing after 5th year, 10 yrs later ron goes to ny and brings harry back a painting where the person depicted looks just like him, they later realize it is Literally Him and draco had his memory wiped and lives in america an artist now (draco is from texas & went to scad for college in this au and YES he has a southern accent). harry goes to investigate and ends up falling in love with draco, who has no magical signature and perhaps no magic at all anymore, and after convincing himself that this draco (who goes by a completely diff name) is not the same person, they sleep together. in the middle of the night, draco wakes up with a haunted look in his eyes and his british accent and says, “you need to hurry. i’ll be all gone soon.” and when harry tries to ask him what he means he passes out and wakes up without any memory of what had happened. anytime harry tries to talk abt magic w/ him he gets a splitting headache and ends up not remembering it .... Anyway harry to solve The Mystery before real draco is gone forever & deal with the fact that this other draco may not love him

- james and lily wake up when harry is 11, ms zabini is a lawyer and helps them get sirius out of jail and when they’re in her office harry meets blaise and draco, as a family they are disjointed because lily and james missed 11 years of their child’s life: they don’t know if they want more children or not, they’re going crazy sitting in the house but they don’t their pictures in the prophet, their friends are dead, snape is making harry’s life hell at school and they keep having to go up there, sirius spent over a decade in azkaban & there is obvious tension btwn him and remus bc remus didn’t believe he was innocent. peter is on the loose (briefly). harry is easily overwhelmed living in a house with so many people and suddenly not being abused anymore. lily & james are constantly having domestics bc james kind of blames lily for her sister being so terrible which makes no sense and they both know that but there’s no one to blame and it’s all so terrible. still, they love each other and they love their son and maybe they make him an older brother. harry certainly is always asking to be an older brother. also harry is like vaguely super traumatized even outside of voldemort stuff currently happening because he somehow vivdly remembers the night that his parents “died” and he almost did.

- keeping up w the blacks au. there is no reality tv show but their family antics r always front page. when they come together for the first time in like 10 yrs it is a comedy of errors: everyone hates andromeda’s husband for different reasons (narcissa feels abandoned, bella is a racist, sirius jus thinks he’s boring), nymphadora is in love with sirius’s long time “roommate” remus, draco is simultaneously cyberbullying and catfishing harry, regulus kind of hates sirius for abandoning him, sirius has been cut off from the family money and is very highkey only there for the free vacation. there are several arguments. everyone is always storming out. (alt. more dramatic version: after bellatrix dies, they’re all forced to come together to bury her and fufill her last wishes. everything is the same but its a drama of errors instead of a comedy. bella leaves sirius her daughter w/ that weirdo she was obsessed w tom) (magic version of this is there is a way for members of the house of black to take someone’s magic, but all the other living members have to agree to it. thus: a family reunion as they try to stop bella from killing all their kids)

- wolfstar au where sirius is basically billie eilish (in terms of music type, not age) and flies remus and his friends (incl. lily) out for a tropical vacation. they’re just being dumb kids on an island for 2 wks, it ends poorly, sirius drops a diss track that is barely a diss and they all end up making up. its cute and fun and peter isnt there cause i hate him

- tangled au where draco is hidden in grimmauld his entire life and the world thinks he’s dead and when harry comes there with sirius they realize he is very much alive and cissy faked his death. draco hits harry with a frying pan

- everyone lives au where they’re all happy and draco has a big fat crush on harry. his aunts and uncles all keep giving him terrible advice because they are simply not well adjusted. he is very pretty despite this and harry falls in love w him anyway

- after the war draco, the youngest black with half blood or more (teddy is like 1/4 i think), sees the ghosts of his dead relatives and it’s slowly driving him crazy. he starts staying at grimmauld because that’s the only place they’ll rest. him and harry (and hermione) get to work fufilling the ghost’s last wishes and undoing generational curses so draco won’t die

- draco is a trans woman au. no other context she looks like hunter schafer and i love her.

- at the beginning of winter hols during eighth yr, the children of hogwarts realize their parents have disappeared. so has everyone else over the age of 19. it’s not just happening to them either, muggle’s parents have also disappeared. the world in disarray and they have to deal not only w trying to find the magic kids around the world before someone more sinister does, but it’s also more important than ever that the statute of secrecy is maintained. this one needs to be more fleshed out but harry accidentally becomes like a cool absolute ruler cause kids r nuts

in conclusion:

[hollowedrpg]

CONGRATULATIONS, KATHERINE! — You’ve been accepted for the role of Sirius Black. I’m so thrilled to have someone who understands Sirius so well to be writing them. They’re the highs and the lows, never the in between. Black or white, never grey. And god, do they feel things with all their being. They’re incredibly self destructive, and I can’t wait until you press their buttons enough to explode. 

Thank you so much for applying. Please create your account and send in the link, track the right tags, and follow everyone on the follow list. Welcome to Hollowed Souls!

ooc.

name: katherine age: (23 preferred pronouns: she/her timezone: cst activity: (include a brief explanation): I have a full time job, so I cannot guarantee daily activity, but I tend to do replies during the week. I am less active on the weekends. On a scale of 1-10, I would say a 7. are you applying for more than one character?: no, just Sirus Black how do you feel about your character dying?: I’m all for it. I’m a sucker for putting my character through hell, and this would quite literally be it. The way Sirius’ emotions seem to be going, it seems likely.

ic details.

full name: sirius arcturus black date of birth: november 3 former hogwarts house: gryffindor sexuality: pansexual gender/pronouns: non-binary, he/they face claim: samuel larsen

how do you interpret this character’s personality? how will you play them? include two weaknesses & two strengths. Sirius feels deeply for their chosen family. Especially when their ‘real’ family disowned them over a choice that was not technically theirs to make. The Sorting Hat’s decisions are non-negotiable; he didn’t ask to be a Gryffindor, but that’s where he was meant to be. As Regulus began to take Sirius’ place as the golden child, he might’ve shrunk in on himself. All they ever wanted was for their parents to notice him, and if that could not happen, despite their best efforts, they might as well fade into the background– but James saved them. Then Remus, then Peter. Loyalty runs deep in Gryffindor, and that is something Sirius related to immediately. He loves his friends, and would die for them without a second thought. With this, Sirius lost his light when James died. As their biography suggests, something instantly changed– they lost their best friend over a war that, up until now, they hadn’t truly taken a stance in. A once easy-going, carefree (albeit to a fault) person was mangled into something unrecognizable, full of anger and bitterness. And so, he joined the Order, determined to avenge James and end the war. Sirius is be so blinded by his goal– kill Voldemort– that he will stop at nothing to do it, even if that means harming himself, or others, unintentionally.

STRENGTHS: Sirius is, as mentioned, incredibly loyal. They would do anything for their friends: would lay down their life, would fight an unbeatable war, to do them right and proud. They are desperate to prove themself worthy of other peoples’ love, which can lead to reckless decisions. Sirius is quick-witted. Their mischievousness began as a child, desperate for their parents’ attention, and they got fairly creative with how they went about it. Sirius went out of their way to get into trouble, and with James at their side at Hogwarts, they were really able to hone their skills. This manifested into cleverness as an adult. Sirius has toned own after James’ death– the loss of their best friend making them mostly quiet and bitter– but the wit is still there. Despite it all, they can still crack a joke here and there. Despite it all, they can still plan battles and outwit the enemy. Sirius’ emotions aside, they are an asset to the Order.

WEAKNESSES: Due to his rocky relationship with his family, Sirius has always had trouble controlling his emotions. When he feels anger, he really feels it, and the same for sadness, and happiness, and so on. His emotions are high and can often get in the way of his decision-making. If he believes something is right, he’ll act upon it. If he’s angry, he’ll let it out. Of course, with happiness and love, this can sometimes be a positive thing, but that leads to weakness number two: Sirius is codependent on his friends. At Hogwarts, he latched onto both James and Remus. Without a true family of his own, Sirius made a family from his friends. Now that James is dead (though Sirius has a hard time speaking the words aloud) their attachment to Remus has gotten much worse. Without Remus, Sirius would be more lost than they already are; this makes them fiercely protective of Remus.

how has the war affected this character, emotionally and otherwise? Sirius’ life, thus far, has been filled with incredibly hard choices, that he himself often did not get to make. He was sorted into Gryffindor when his family bled Slytherin green, and much to their parents’ dismay, found a family among them. When the war came, he was stuck with one foot on either side, loyalty to both his family and his friends putting him in a tough situation. Sirius would probably not have chosen a clear side at all, were it not for James’ death. Sirius missed James’ funeral because they could not stand attending it. Being there, lowering the casket, saying their words, felt too real. Too permanent. They are not quite ready to say goodbye to their best friend. Godric’s Hollow felt like the right choice– a chance to be close to James once more, walk where he walked, stand where he stood. Sirius is someone utterly driven by his grief, even if they are unaware of it.

where does this character currently stand? with those who wish to hide in godric’s hollow until the war ends, with those who wish to rebuild the order and continue fighting the war, or on neither side? why? After James’ death, Sirius believes he has no choice but to join the Order and finish the war. Suddenly, everything felt crystal clear. Where morality was once on a gray scale, it was now black and white: Voldemort and his followers were evil, and the Order was not. He declared his stance immediately, joined the Order, ruined what little relationship he had left with his family, and got to work.

Since joining the Order after Lily and James’ deaths, what’s something reckless Sirius has done that’s made people question whether they should remain a part of the Order? Sirius lost it during Glenda Chittock’s radio show. She mentioned the dead– good news– and they took off without a second thought, their Animagus barreling through the crowd and into the woods. It was all they could think about for the past year. James being alive was the best case scenario, the one Sirius dreamed night after night. Surely it couldn’t be real…could it? When they finally returned to Order headquarters, exhausted and covered in dirt, eyes watched him warily. They knew Sirius was struggling– they were all struggling– but there was still work to be done. They didn’t even know what Glenda’s broadcast meant. They feared Sirius’ disappearing act meant they were too fragile to handle the Order. Ever since then, Sirius has been watched, much like, well, a dog.

[crimsonrevolt]

Congratulations Eliza you’ve been accepted to Crimson Revolt as Sirius Black

↳ please refer to our character checklist

Sirius Black is a character held very close to my heart, and let me say that when your application came through we were obsessed! You capture him so well, I found myself so drawn in with every new section. From your explanation of him as a character to your headcanons and question responses, it’s obvious to us that you love him as much as we do and will write him beautifully. We’re so excited to see you join us, welcome to the group! *Your faceclaim change to Matthew Daddario has been accepted.

OUT OF CHARACTER

Introduction: I’m Eliza, I’m 22, and my preferred pronouns are she/her.

Activity: I’m currently in my final year of uni, so aside from any sudden tsunami of work (always possible) I’m legit doing nothing except sitting on my laptop trying to figure out how to procrastinate my Commodus essay. So, uh, high.

How did you find us? through the marauders era tag, I think!

Anything else? Nothing that I can think of.

IN CHARACTER

Desired character: Sirius Orion Black – Orion for his father. Sirius is a family name; he’s technically Sirius Black the Third, but that’s not something he likes to shout about.

Birthday / star sign: Sirius was born on November 3rd 1960, which makes him a Scorpio, and if you need anymore proof that astrology is real I don’t know what to tell you.

Occupation:

Bartender. Sirius doesn’t need to work – his Uncle Alphard made sure of that – but he learned the hard way that nothing’s worse for his mental health than sitting around all day, picking at old wounds. He works at a bar just off Diagon Alley, wizarding, except for the occasional lost confused muggle. He’s good at his job; he likes to talk to customers, he enjoys small-talk, and he makes a killer martini – plus, it’s the perfect position to be in to gather information. He’s friendly with his boss, and on the second floor there’s a large room that is the perfect size for meetings of a book club. A very special book club, with no books.

Faceclaim:

I absolutely love Miles, but finding gifs for him is tough – could I use Matthew Daddario instead? (or, if you hate him, Aidan Turner or Harry Styles or Ezra Miller?)

Reason for chosen character:

This is actually the last part of the application I’m filling in – I’ve spent ages trying to figure out how to answer this question. Why did I pick Sirius? I can write him well, that’s true, I have a proper handle on his voice and how I think he’d react in most situations, but it’s more than that. I think that Sirius, in any marauders era rp, has the greatest possibility for plots; he’s extroverted, has a finger in basically every pie, and his future looks pretty bloody dreadful from a canon perspective, which is something I love. Give me all the blood and tears you can and I’m happy. Besides, I like Sirius. I think he’s a good man at heart, but his flaws are so immense that he’s fascinating to write. So I guess I picked him because I’d like to be his friend, but would hate him at the same time, and that’s all you want in a character, really.

In this section you should also describe the character and how you see them.

Inherently, Sirius is a man with many flaws that often overwhelm him. He is trying to be good, but not always succeeding. He enjoys the pain of others too much for comfort; he can switch to cruelty in an instant when threatened. He has much less of a conscience than James does – in fact, many would say that James functions as his conscience, that the two of them are two parts of one whole. When, at sixteen, he finally left the Black family for good, he cut them off in his mind as well as in practice, finding it easier to cope with the pain if he forced the world into black and white instead of shades of grey. It is only as he gets older that he is beginning to see the difficulties of choice facing his cousins – but his pride won’t let him admit such a thing. He was brought up with all the prejudices that came with the Black family name; his parents, though not Death Eaters, were violent people, viciously against muggles and muggleborns. He’s certain that his father at least is a murderer, and knows that they rejoice in the insanity of his cousin Bellatrix and all that brings with it.

The main way Sirius coped with the loss of his family was by demonising the lot of them. That isn’t, in a way, incorrect: the Blacks were and are at the forefront of the Death Eaters, and Sirius was always too compassionate to easily accept that ideology. But equally he refuses to see any good in them. Anyone who is even neutral in the war turns his stomach. He cannot understand the difficulty of choosing between your morals and your family – after all, he did it, didn’t he? He sees fighting as the only moral option, and that puts him in conflict not just with Death Eaters, but with other bystanders too.

Preferred ships // Character sexuality // Gender & Pronouns:

Bisexual | cis male | he/him

Preferred ships: I’m a sucker for wolfstar, but honestly anything with chemistry works for me. If you can come up with a horribly angsty plot, so much the better, because Sirius is not lucky in love.

Details:

Walburga and Orion had a happy marriage, but it was not one that set a good example to their son in terms of love. They never showed affection in public – Sirius never saw them so much as hold hands; when, as he was storming out of Grimmauld Place for the final time when he was sixteen, he saw his father place a hand on Walburga’s shoulder, he knew that he had truly gone too far to turn back. Their affection was based on fierce loyalty, concurrent goals and ideology, and matching intelligence that they both passed down to their eldest son, but they treated each other only with cold respect in front of their children. With no model of domestic harmony to fall back on, Sirius has never been very emotionally capable. Passionate by nature but always unsure of the affection of others, he tended at Hogwarts to fall into a pattern of obsession and then rejection that had him labelled a womaniser.

Sirius’s love for boys – it is a love for boys, he’s long since accepted that; at first he told himself it was just because he liked sex, but that theory’s been scuppered over and over again – is something that he is relatively open about. He is lucky in that his group of friends are quite accepting; even those who don’t understand the sexual revolution that has been happening in the last decade see it as another of his quirks, oh, that’s just Sirius. His self-confidence, as fuelled by the Marauders, has meant that he has rarely struggled with his sexuality – it’s another thing his family would hate him for, and therefore something else to be proud of.

CREATE ONE (OR MORE!) OF THE FOLLOWING FOR YOUR CHARACTER

Potential plots:

1. James Potter:

James and Sirius are two parts of one whole – Sirius sees him, with typical casual self-deprecation, as the sunlight to his own shadow. Sirius is hardly the sort of person to let anyone take a curse if he’s in the vicinity, but for James Sirius is pretty sure he’d do anything. Not only did James complete the transformation, already begun through his parents’ cruelty, of Sirius from Pureblood supremacist to fully-fledged blood traitor, but also makes him the best person he can be. Around James, all of Sirius’s rough edges are smoothed out; he’s at his funniest, and also at his kindest. They see each other every day, people take the absolute piss, and Sirius loves it.

2. Remus Lupin:

Ah, Remus. Sirius has been in love with a lot of people throughout his life – he can’t help it, he’s a Scorpio – but Remus, well, he lingered. Not that Sirius would say anything, and he spends half his time mocking his friend so thoroughly that no one suspects, and anyway, he’s over it, obviously, times five hundred. But there it is – Remus Lupin, lingering.

They work well together, is all. Remus looks blankly at him every time he makes a bad joke, which is excellent for Sirius’s ego; when Remus wakes up bloodied and furious with himself and the world, Sirius is there, feet up on the bottom of his bed, bottle of water in one hand and cigarette in the other. Remus knows that Sirius secretly likes to read, curled up in his kitchen with a mug of strong coffee, and Sirius knows how Remus likes his gin (strong, expensive). They might not be like James and Sirius, but they can sit in silence for hours, and a lot of the time, that’s all Sirius needs.

3. Regulus Black:

For a long time, Regulus was Sirius’s only friend – something he now says in a tone that’s supposed to be funny, but no one really laughs. A large part of Sirius, larger than he’d like to admit, knows how similar they are, how easily he could have been like Reg, had he not been the heir and subject to more pressure, had he not had James, and for a while he tried to be James to Regulus. But it was fruitless; perhaps it always would have been. Every so often they see each other, and it makes Sirius want to go and drink for five days – usually he then does.

4. Aversio

Sirius was an obvious choice for Aversio recruitment – not only is his cousin Andromeda a member, but he has often vocally and emphatically (and sometimes violently) declared his dissatisfaction with the Order. Weighed down by bureaucracy and occasionally the very prejudices they claim to fight against, Sirius sees the Order as a useless, bloated organisation, too afraid to do anything except wave placards in the air outside the Ministry. He has taken part in several Aversio attacks, but keeps his involvement entirely secret, except from other members. He is suspected, of course, and doesn’t like to openly lie, but there’s no proof; he’s still a member of the Order on the surface. He sees fighting fire with fire as a moral choice – to do anything other than the utmost is to betray the cause, and to be no better than the enemy.

Mini-headcanons:

nicknames padfoot

star sign scorpio

mbti ESFP, the Entertainer

greek mythological counterpart Poseidon, god of the sea, of earthquakes, of storms and horses, protector of seafarers, associated with drowning and madness.

season autumn

deadly sin pride

heavenly virtue liberality

element fire

flower gladiolus. Gladioli symbolise strength of character, faithfulness and honour, as well as remembrance and infatuation, with a bouquet conveying to a recipient that they pierce the giver’s heart with passion.

colour storm-grey

wand elm wood, unicorn hair, 11 inches, excellent for hexes

patronus black dog

early bird or night owl night owl

greatest fear rejection by his found family

secret superstition has a terrible habit of crossing his fingers while he sleeps to ward off bad dreams

small facts

Sirius can ice skate. He can play the piano. He can ballroom dance. He can make a wicked spaghetti bolognese. He likes to read, but can’t write to save his life; his handwriting is something close to incomprehensible. He has an average singing voice, he loves muggle music, and he wishes that he was born a Beatle. When he was fifteen years old he lost his virginity to a distant French cousin of James’s somewhere behind the Potters’ Quidditch pitch. He has been in love, at various points in his school career, with Remus Lupin, Lily Evans, Glenda Chittock, and probably Minerva McGonagall. He hates anything that tastes like nuts, won’t touch sugar quills, and changes his hairstyle every three days. You can tell that he’s unhappy because he retreats inwards, goes quiet, stormy. He likes Quidditch but prefers motorcycles, much to James’s disgust. He thinks marriage is a scam, but secretly wants children desperately. He loves cats, but they hate him. He would die for his friends.

IN CHARACTER QUESTIONNAIRE

Do you think it is more important to be feared or loved? Which would you rather be?

SIRIUS: Loved, for sure. Who’d say feared? Being feared is awful; there’s nothing more toxic. It wraps itself around your lungs like a sickness, like clove cigarette smoke, and twists you all up inside until it’s all you lust after, that look in someone’s eyes when they’re afraid of you. No, that’s not for me – I couldn’t trust myself not to want more. Love is good enough.

What is one thing you would never want said about you?

SIRIUS: That I was boring. Can you imagine? You’re sitting there, in your Hufflepuff scarf (you’re definitely a Hufflepuff in this scenario), and you’re eavesdropping on some older, way cooler students (one of them is especially dashing) and they say that they got trapped in conversation with you on Tuesday and couldn’t get away. They wanted to get away from you because you bored them to tears. I think I’d rather die than be in that position. You know what they say – all huff, no puff. Or something. Do they say that? They should.

If you were able to invent one spell, potion, or charm, what would it do, what would you use it for or how would you use it? Feel free to name it!

SIRIUS: oh, I’d absolutely invent a cure for lycanthropy. I don’t know if it’d be a charm, or a potion – probably a charm, because Lupin’s the worst at taking potions on time, and he’s the only werewolf I give a fuck about. Wait, did he not say that? Did he forget he was a werewolf? What, and I’m here, slaving over a cauldron, wasting my life away in this dingy basement (obviously I’m brewing this world-changing potion in a basement, by torchlight, also for some weird reason I’m wearing a full-length black robe?) like Nicholas fucking Flamel? I swear to God –

What kinds of decisions are the most difficult for you to make?

SIRIUS: it’s not necessarily that I find making decisions hard. I make decisions fast, and find it hard to go back on them. It’s more that – well, making the correctdecisions is difficult.

When I was sixteen – and I’m not introducing my age because I think it excuses it; it doesn’t, I’m just trying to set the damn scene – I made a mistake that could have – well, I was going to say it could have destroyed my friendships, but it was more than that. It could have made me a murderer, and Remus too. I’m only telling you this because I am assuming it will never go any further than the two of us. I don’t tell other people’s secrets.

I hated Severus Snape from our first day at Hogwarts. He was arrogant, and he was nasty, and he was clearly in deep with the dark arts, which I don’t hold with. Prongs hated him too, for other reasons that he’ll probably tell you considering he takes any opportunity to go on about Evans. And sixth year was shit. Again, that isn’t an excuse – but that’s what my mindset was, that autumn. My uncle Alphard had just died. I knew that I would never see my brother again, and traitor that he was, he was – is – still my brother. I came back to Hogwarts in September and it felt like a dark cloud had just broken over my head. It wouldn’t go away. I’m going to put this bluntly, because it’s how I do things best – Remus is a werewolf. That’s relevant.

In November, we all knew Snape was sniffing around. Moony had been off at the beginning of the month, and it had been a shit full moon; I wasn’t in a good enough place to control him as well as I should’ve been, and we were all roughed up the next day, Moony the worst. Prongs had a nasty black eye, as I remember; I had a cut up face, Peter was limping. Snape had been watching us. We were all on edge; he’d been close to figuring out Moony’s secret for years, and we knew that if he found proof he’d spread it all around the school. He’d want Remus out – expelled, or worse. As December grew closer, we grew worse. We were snapping at each other, we were getting close to fights every damn evening. Moony was pale and ill the entire month, there wasn’t even the usual grace period between moons. It felt like everything was bad.

The full moon was on December 2nd. That day, James and I had had a catastrophic fight about everything and nothing – we bickered like fucking lovers back then. I bumped into Snape at the bottom of the Astronomy tower, and I – I told him where to find Remus.

God, I regretted it. I regretted it immediately. But even then, even though I knew it was wrong, I hadn’t figured it all out. I’ve always been bad at seeing consequences. When I found James and told him, I was laughing. I thought we’d give Snape a scare – then he’d never bother us again. James has always been a better man than me; he knew immediately what would happen. Remus would kill Snape, or bite him – we weren’t sure which was worse. James went after him. He saved his life. Snape wasn’t grateful, the fucker, but I – well.

Remus forgave me first. He shouldn’t have; I didn’t deserve it. I couldn’t give less of a shit if Snape dies, but Remus would have been affected; I would’ve made a killer out of him. But we could never fight for long; we don’t give each other the silent treatment. I think Remus would forgive me anything. James, on the other hand, took months. Even now, he looks at me different. That’s the sort of decision I’d take back in an instant. That’s the sort of decision I find hard to make.

REACTION TO LAST EVENT DROP

Sirius would be right up there with Amelia and Dirk at the Quidditch match – he fiercely believes that Aversio has the right way forward, and especially after the Order’s apparent dismissal of Edgar Bones’s disappearance (Sirius sees everything other than intense passion as dismissal), he’s feeling even more frustrated and disenfranchised. He would absolutely be helping Marlene and James, though likely getting in the way somewhat, given his tendency to go in all guns blazing (all wands blazing?) when it comes to his family. Fuck Bellatrix is his phrase of the week…well, the month. The year?

I don’t know if Sirius would take direct part in the actual mission to rescue Edgar – it probably makes more sense rp-wise if he didn’t, maybe because the others don’t trust him (though I don’t know if James would leave him behind). Either way, Ed’s return is a positive for two reasons – one, Sirius likes the bloke, and two, he’s hoping he can use Ed’s rescue as a concrete example of Aversio doing better than the Order. Politics, mate.

WRITING SAMPLE

Sirius Black was up a tree.

He didn’t spend a lot of time up trees, as a rule. But it was the first of September, and as such he was avoiding people - and in the Potter household, the only place it was feasible to be alone was in the branches of the huge oak tree in the grounds, out by the Quidditch pitch. He’d climbed it, hands slipping on the wet bark, about an hour previously, and he was starting to shiver.

It was unseasonably cold for September. The wind whistled through the leaves of the trees and caught at his hair, tangling it into messy curls; he huffed and pushed it out of his face and let the rain sweep down in huge sheets. He imagined it washing his features away, leaving him with nothing but a blank canvas which he could paint over, inscribe new eyes, a new nose, a new mouth. Maybe he would make himself a Potter. He closed his eyes and imagined them hazel and bright instead of grey and sharp, and knew he was being fanciful. In the Black household, being fanciful was on a par with dreaming below your station, and Sirius, though naturally imaginative, couldn’t shake that last remnant of his mother’s distaste.

He opened his eyes and watched the water drip off his eyelashes in diamond flashes. He was freezing. Surely, he thought, somewhat bitterly, if this was meant to be a formative moment in his life the world would allow him a few more moments to be at least healthily warm so that he could get his musings into better shape. But it was not to be: he was starting to shake, and even he couldn’t pretend to be fine much longer.

Below him, a figure was struggling through the wind, down the sloping grass from the front door. “Sirius!” the figure howled into the combative weather, the wind tossing his voice away towards the lake. “Oi! Black! Are you completely fucking insane?! Get inside, it’s half-eight! Mum’s made bacon!”

Bacon - now that, at least, jerked Sirius out of his stupid melancholy mood. He slid gracefully down the trunk of the tree and landed with a thump and a squelch of mud in front of his friend, who glared at him through rain-speckled glasses.

“I,” he explained, with dignity, “was having life-changing thoughts.”

“Brilliant,” snapped James, in a manner that suggested it most definitely was not. “But Catchlove’s tits can wait, Black, because I’m starving.”