#List of Tests are Done in Dyeing Lab

[textilelearner]

Dyeing Lab: Purposes, Equipments and Working Process | Computer Color Matching (CCM) System

Dyeing Lab: Purposes, Equipments and Working Process | Computer Color Matching (CCM) System #dyeinglab #labdip #ccm #computercolormatching #colormatching #testindyeinglab #labtest #textiletesting #physicaltesting #chemicaltesting

Dyeing Lab: Dyeing lab is the heart of the dyeing factory. Lab dip development is done in dyeing lab. We know from the previous article, lab dip is a particular garment style, containing many shades of the fabric color which the buyer is asked have to be sent to the buyer for the approval before going for further production. Higher precision lab can aid easily to achieve the goal of the dyeing…

[nade2308]

First Lines of Last 20....

Guidelines: List the first lines of your last 20 stories (if you have less than 20,  just list them all.) Choose your favorite opening line, tag some friends!

Tagged by @impossiblepluto. Thanks friend!

(And just as always, I deviate from the mold and I give you more than just the first lines and/or my favorite lines 😈)

1. You don't know you are beautiful

Jack was so pissed. He was thrumming with nervous energy and was itching for a fight. Especially with that good for nothing, piece of shit, pretentious and pompous guy they were sent to retrieve because he had valuable intel the Phoenix stumbled upon by chance.

2. Catch you when you fall

Scott was always ready to push himself further, just that one step towards the tipping point. He thought if he went harder, and longer, that it will yield better results, but it wasn't always the case. That frustrated him even more and then he was angry at himself for doing that to himself and his friends. And to his dad. His dad who bent himself forwards and backwards to make sure Scott had everything he needed and more.

3. Coming home to you

You know that feeling when you want something so bad, but you have to wait for it? Yeah, Mac was feeling like that now. He was this close to losing it after the op ended. He couldn't wait to get back to Jack. Well, get back to Jack and get laid in the process.

4. "There's still time to change the road you're on"

Jack was in Texas for the birthday of his nephew and it just happened that his nephew was best friends with the kid of one of Jack's old flames. Well, more like a summer relationship, but seventeen year old Jack thought she was it. They had a thing that was actually cute and sweet. He took her out on dates at the local pizza place, and she took him to community events.

5. 98.Separated

Alina Chernyshevsky was a Russian scientist working at a lab in LA, on a scholarship who was kidnapped by a rogue crime group almost a week ago. The Phoenix was tasked with recovering her and capturing any of the members of the group they could find. It turned out that the son of a banker, the daughter of a businessman and the brother and sister, the kids of one of the most powerful Romanian crime groups had one thing in common. They wanted to get out from under the shadow that their parents put them in. So they formed their own union, and thanks to the ties Andrei Bogdan, their leader, had from his father's world, they quickly made their way up in the underground dark world. Climbing up the ladders, they did the odd jobs here and there, hits on important people for hire, and it was based on their combined knowledge of the finances, the system and the law, that they stayed undetected and under the radar for so long. Until Alina discovered some sample or another in the lab that was brought for testing and she made herself a target and was kidnapped in broad daylight.

6. Dye Hard

It wasn't like it was something he was dying to try. He was just looking at pictures of people with wonderfully done hair. Which happened to also be dyed in all the colors of the rainbow and more. It was just research. For an experiment. He was sure he was going to be told off again for experimenting so he kept it just to himself.

7. Sweet child o' mine

Riley woke up to the persistent ringing of her phone. She was having a very nice dream, drinking mai-tai's, at the Hilton Hawaiian Village, and now she was brought back to reality by the shrill tone of her phone.

8. Mac and Jack + softness

They had experienced bad missions before. It wasn't that uncommon, since almost every mission they worked on turned bad real fast. But there were some missions that took bad to the next level.

9. Jack + migraine + birthday

Mac was shivering even with the blanket wrapped around him. They were on their exfil flight, and the heat was on for his sake, but Mac's worry wasn't for himself, but for Jack. Jack, who was squinting at the bright sky and had his head tilted in an awkward angle because apparently he was hurting. And Mac had a pretty good idea what was the cause.

10. 9.Helpless

The drive back to Mac's place was a blur. Jack focused on the road and tried not to think of what they were told or the treatment that might have reversed all of their hard work on making Mac's hands heal and be okay.

11. 72.Painless

When Mac first noticed the car that was tailing him, he was several blocks away from Jack's place. They were supposed to have a movie night with the team, Jack already texted him to tell Mac that Riley was there with him.

12. 26.Flinch

Mac jerked away from the hand that was shaking his shoulder and immediately backed up to the corner of the bed. Someone was talking in a low voice, but Mac was still a bit disoriented and couldn't place the voice. Or the words.

13. 12.Confusion & 26. flinch

When Mac woke up, he could tell that something was different. There wasn't a creepy stare to watch over him, nor the blinking dot on the camera in the corner.

14. 5.Bruised

Jack let his kid take his fill by looking him up and down. Jack knew that he looked a little bit worse for wear, but that was normal in their line of work. This time however, it was from something else. And judging by the way Mac was eyeing him, he didn't manage to hide it well.

15. 56. Begging

Mac wanted to scream. It was hurting him to just breathe, but the pain was unbearable. He didn't know if the lash that caught his side, or the one that split the skin above the small of his back, hurt more.

16. Jack Sr. + Wrist Cuff

It takes all his willpower not to go back to the room he just vacated. He promised Riley and Mac that he'll take a break. It was nonnegotiable. Mac went so far as to tell him to go and take a good sleep. That Mac wasn't going to vanish again. He promised.

17. Fire Pit + Nightmares

Mac didn't know what woke him up. He's sure it was something and not a sound he made up in his dream. Mac turned around in bed and for a moment he was a bit disoriented. He blinked a few times and then looked at the digital watch on his nightstand. It was a little after 2am.

18. "Whenever your world starts crashing down, that's when you'll find me"

"Hours later (Jack's not sure about the time, he left his watch at home) the party is dying down. He is watching the night lights twinkling in the distance, mixed with lights from building windows, and homes and offices. LA is alive as always, traffic present even in this late hour. Everyone knows that NYC is the city that never sleeps, but Jack wants to argue how LA doesn't fall far behind the Big Apple. Especially since Jack has watched this city in all the times of day and night and can attest to that."

19. Si te doy mi corazón, lo tratarás con ternura

1. Tickling

Mac was studying for an exam and Jack was bored. It was one of those days. Really, there was a lot to be done in the house, and Jack barely had a time for himself and Mac these days, but on a rare night where he had absolutely nothing of importance to do… and Jack was bored. 

20. The Center of Their World

Mac was writhing in Jack's lap, and Jack moaned at the drag of Mac's cock against his hip as Jack had Mac's ass spread and a finger inside him already.  He instinctively backed up against the headboard of their ridiculously big bed, and threw his head out because the contact between him and Mac was explosive in the least.

Tagging: @sabbystarlight @82tweeder @dixons-mama @improvidus @panchostokes @erinsworld @nativestarwrites @kerkerian @starryhc @thesammykinz @dont-stop-believin-in-klaine @demonicsoulmates @rai-knightshade @telltaleclerk and whoever sees this and wants to do it, consider yourself tagged.

[bullets-and-masks]

Fantastic Flustercuck: Lore, Interesting points, and a little thinking through

Here we go! This list is really, really big. I’ll do a short analysis/critic later on, but I want to get this out now! We’ll have 4 sessions: 1. Krieg and the Crimson Raiders 2. Krieg and Maya 3. Krieg and Himself  4. Final Notes 

Session 01: Krieg and the Raiders

Sane Krieg starts by calling Psycho Krieg him; and dividing their mind between two minds, as if there are thoughts only Psycho Krieg has that he can’t access and/or understand 

There’s a constant JACK voiceover that can be heard anywhere. Sadly, I didn’t catch the words, but sounded like the pre recorded messages at the preserve in Bl2

The first section of the DLC, the Castle raid, is considered imporant because it’s the first mission Krieg did along with the Crimson Raiders after a while 

During this section, we fight the raiders

Brick and Modercai come first. They talk about how Krieg is too crazy to be a part of the Raiders. Sane Krieg does not want to fight them. Psycho Krieg fights - but it’s fear

Tannis quickly accesses it as fear of rejection. Krieg always had an issue with how the Raiders see him 

Despite this Sane Krieg does know they’re friends, his family 

Also sane Krieg uses the word oaf and that’s like... really funny 

In this, Tannis says she relates to fear of rejection, but quickly corrects saying she doesn’t care 

There’s the implication that Krieg’s eye was clawed out by a skag 

The “Evil Lilith” inside his head calls him an animal, a beast, a weapon just to be used. Says they never cared if he lived or died

Sane Krieg quickly corrects this isn’t how she spoke to us

Lilith is tagged as “Scary fire lady” and that’s kind of adorable

Sane Krieg shows Psycho Krieg an old memory about how the Raiders treat him, and it’s the Raiders inviting Krieg to a bar. They don’t mind how he acts and laugh along with him 

But Krieg follows from a distance

The Raiders guard his buzzaxe = strenght and attack

Krieg has a dialogue with himself that goes sorta like: Sane Krieg: (smth about finding out who is he, really) Psycho Krieg: Fragile Things

Sane Krieg also mentions wanting to learn dance, saying he has to exercise to keep his abs, calling it “lean muscle”

Session 02: Krieg and Maya

Oh boy

As soon as they see a memory of Maya, Sane Krieg wants to be careful. He doesn’t want the memory corrupted like the Raiders’. 

Krieg KNOWS she is dead

Sane Krieg says Maya is the only thing he and Psycho Krieg ever agreed on 

despite this, during the DLC they seem to get along better and better, Krieg is really working on themselves

Maya drops her book before proceeding. The player has to go after. Flowers grow on the ground where we walk

Tannis states diferent brain activity readings at this point, saying Krieg can really focus on Maya 

Maya is taken by Locomobius, the monster train, and Sane Krieg says it’s because at the time they met, Psycho Krieg thought the train was taking her

Maya tells him in a goodbye ECHO: “No matter how far appart we are, I’ll always be with you.”

The name of the mission to catch Locomobius and free the memories of Maya is what love remains 

Sane Krieg says the memories are all he has left of Maya

There’s a flashback to when they met, and it shows that Maya invited Krieg to come with her because he showed knowing how to fight 

She does call him Big Guy constantly

Krieg has memories of Athenas, implying he has been there 

Athenas is guarded by eridians, here funcioning as guardians to the memories of Maya 

This is all viewed by Tannis as the protections of a grieving mind

The flashback about when they met also reveals that Krieg expressed he didn’t think he had anything to offer Maya and she understood him 

It it’s not explained, whoever, how she understands him, but it’s very strongly implied that she sees his through thoughts/the translation of psycho speech

Maya guards his gauntlet = his defenses and hope 

Even now, Maya is still a figure of hope for him 

Sane Krieg complains about how Psycho Krieg lost a watch that he cared for

Session 2.5: Maya’s Spirit

Maya’s Last ECHO Maya leaves for Krieg one last ECHO that explains why she’s staying on Athenas for an indefinite time - to teach Eva.  She says she knows she’ll pass her powers to Eva which implies she suspects her death could be soon.  She says she can feel all the sirens that came before her like energy flowing, and says that if she days she’ll be among the stars waiting for him.  There’s the quote, from her: “Even death and time can’t keep us appart from each other.”

The Spirit Maya stays in Krieg’s mind in a shining black and white form. At first, It looks like it might be his perception of her, the way she appears in his mind, but upon further triggering dialogue, there’s a lot of things told from a perspective that make it sound like Krieg didn’t know, and that also Maya is aware of this new form for her.

Quotes say: 

that she never thought she could care about anyone the way she cared about Krieg

says that Krieg’s mind is less messy than she thought it’d be

had noodles in Minus-Prime, and loves it 

she dyes her hair!

Maya says with all the words Siren’s have the power to leave memory on objects, memory that are almost a spirt 

So this could be a fragment of Maya, alive in Krieg’s mind through the last ECHO he ever got from her

Also her spirit also mentions that one day a hotel showed up in Athenas, she slept there, it was a super interesting place, and she woke up lying on grass the morning after. Mancubus’ traveling hotel? 

Session 03: Krieg and Himself 

And Hyperion. 

Krieg was at Hyperion to do a job at a lab

but then was “taken” by them. also not specified if he was taken for doing the wrong job, or he was there not hired by them and was captured 

It is not specified what job, but he does mention he was a mercenary

The scientist responsible for him was Dr Benedict, and the called the subjects rejects of society

Sane Krieg says the lab saw the subjects as just meat. This is easily read as way Psycho Krieg registers meat as something that matters so much

Dr Benedict considered/might have done it: sweing the mouths of subjects shut or extracting their tongues so they couldn’t complain 

Sane Krieg was really soft y’all... He fights a rat while imprisioned and names it Tawanda - unclear what happens to it - but Krieg says they’ll take care of each other

Krieg tells Tawanda “I’m called Krieg”. In a further ECHO, Dr Benedict calls Krieg Subject 24C. So Krieg really isn’t his name, and he can’t remember it 

There’s an audio from Dr Benedict about an non specific subject asking to see his son, which the dr considers crazy, but all the others audios, even if not mentioning Krieg by name, seemed to be about him...

Sane Krieg sits along with Pyscho Krieg in an aparent crumbled cell space watching shadows that he calls The World. It’s Plato’s Allegory of the Cave, here showing Krieg is content with the world presented to him, unable, weak or even afraid to explore. It speaks to a false meaning he found to have the sense of living without having the strenght to do so

the player destroys the allegory, thus freeing Sane Krieg to see the actual world, a further step in regaining his mind as a world to really live in - he truly was trapped in himself

Bloodlust is a type of psychosis studied by Dr Benedict. It’s unclear wheter he created it, or what is behind it, but he uses a gas to infect people

considers making a gas bomb to infect whole populations

there’s a line from the Dr about how brain probing worsed pyschosis

the gas didn’t affect Krieg like the others - it is also unclear why 

a mission with a Fear Mom, completely referencing the Clockwork Orange, tells Krieg to drink Milk to grow strong so “no one will hurt you ever again.” This could be read as remnants of his past self, creating a place to feel cared for someway, but also embracing the ultraviolence of his being and the brainwashing he went through

this side mission rewards a gun with the flavor text our eyes are yet to open like a baby, or like someone who lacks clarity 

Krieg cared a lot about people before going insane. He holds strongly to a sense of right and wrong he calls goodness, and values innocence a lot

The Psycho personality is a schism that showed up in several test subjects that manifested the same personality

Dr Benedict wanted to change the subject pool to see the relation and considers an elementary school class

Also considers putting the gas in water supply to infect people since the gas won’t work on open areas

Psycho Krieg saves Sane Krieg when he had given up on scaping 

It is a bloodbath Psycho Krieg calls Tea Party

Sane Krieg sees this realization, about being saved and the Vault Hunter being inside his head, as Psycho Krieg letting people in

Hyperion kept his mask from him = “false face is protection”

Upon defeating the boss, the Gigantic Krieg tied to an experimentation bed fades.

After taking the mask, this Three Figures walk into a portal in his mind and disappear forever. Sane Krieg doesn’t remember who they are and remarks that he forgot his past entirely.  But looks at Psycho Krieg and decides on Forging a future.

They tell jokes to each other constantly, though Psycho Krieg only tells a decent joke by the end of the DLC. The joke is the one coherent sentence he can make; showing a lot of progress in how he communicates, but not changing who he is.  By the end, his mind is empty, and both Kriegs work together to fill it slowy with new memories and thoughts. They start with Maya, and keep creating until she says “Enough for now. Come in and tell me about your day”, to which Krieg responds FUSING INTO HIMSELF, WHOLE, and walking into the house with her. The voiceover from Krieg tells us we’re always breaking and hurting, but we put ourselves together again, never perfect, but close enough. Always fixing ourselves. 

Final Notes:

This DLC was really good, imo. I really liked the direction it took and I’m glad it wasn’t TOO wacky, loosing all the meaning and more seriousness it could have. It is a great character exploration, respects Krieg as a character and the one around him and their relationships.  Krieg comes out as not needing fixing, and instead making peace with all he is and growing.  Canon things confirmed:  Worked as a mercenary, was a Crimson Raider, was one invited by Maya, was loved back, was experimented on by Hyperion, was saved by himself.

[vintageneptune92]

Flicker, Fade Part 1

Here it finally is! So this is definitely going to be a multi-part story. I’m not sure if it’ll be 2 or 3 parts yet. We all know how wordy I like to get. I’m having fun with this one. I hope you enjoy it! I love writing OC characters because I like being able to describe their appearance. This story gives me the opportunity to do that, but still use it as a reader insert.

The word count obscene 15,000 even. I’m so sorry!

This is a combo of two requests.  @justkending​ requested a Steve Rogers x Reader with prompts: “I warned you about him, yet again you didn’t listen.” and “It’s 6am- you’re not having vodka.  @asgardiangurll​ requested a Steve Rogers x Reader with with  prompts:”I’m never going to stop protecting you.”“You are seriously like a man child”

As always likes, comments and reblogs are SO APPRECIATED. Requests are open (Avengers, Supernatural, TVD/The Originals. I do dabble in some Green Arrow and The Flash (DC TV Only please). Prompt list can be found here.

Please let me know if you would like to be added to this tag list or one of my others.

Avengers Tag List: @shreddedparchment @fanfictionjunkie1112​ @this-is-mycrisis​ @geeksareunique​ @mikariell95​

Avengers Masterlist

Fate is a funny thing. Your mother always used to tell you that everything happened for a reason. The idea that going through difficult times to prepare you for what was to come or to lead you to something better kept you going, even in your darkest of times. 

You grew up in New England with your mother, father and baby sister Ella. She had been the best surprise of your lives. You were 13 when your mother got pregnant. Everything happens for a reason and you were thrilled to have a sibling.

You were sassy and sarcastic just like your mother. You got your intelligence from your father and while things typically came easy to you; Your parents had made sure you were sufficiently challenged and worked incredibly hard. You had been granted the honor of Valedictorian your senior year in High School. 

As a graduation gift and an 18th birthday present, You, your parents and your sister took a trip to tour Europe. You had never been happier.l, you were one of those kids that would rather hang out with your parents than a bunch of friends. Spending time with Ella was the highlight of your day, every day. The day of your 18th birthday had been one of your happiest. You spent an incredible day at Brighton Beach building sand castles with Ella and enjoying the amusement park rides in the seaside resort town. Her laugh as you whipped around the tilt-a-whirl would be embedded in your soul for the rest of your days. Your dad had ridden with you on all of the roller coasters and rides deemed too scary by Ella. Your mom wasn’t much of a ride person, but damn did she love her carnival games. Once you were back in London, your life would be changed forever. One moment your father was driving the three of you down the street laughing about how strange it was to drive on the opposite side of the street and the next you were being T-Boned by another vehicle.

Your parents and sister had been killed on impact. You had barely survived. Someone had pulled you from the wreckage. You were rushed to the hospital and woke up 2 days later. Before you even opened your eyes you knew something was different. You were completely healed. No lasting injuries, no deficits except the gaping hole in your heart. The doctor there tried to calm your anxieties, telling you everything was fine and you were just lucky. Somehow you knew the doctor was lying to you about how you had been treated. That night you had gone into the bathroom to examine yourself and were shocked by what you saw. Your natural hair color had been transformed into a  liquid black that cascaded down your body. The most startling change was your eyes. Your once very normal eye color had been transformed into a shade of violet. 

You had been frantically studying your altered appearance when the little girl sharing your hospital room bad woken up crying after a nightmare. You had sat down on her bed to comfort her. That was when you knew someone in that hospital had done something to you. By simply placing your hand over her arm, the bruises she had from falling out of a tree healed. You had heard about enhanced humans, you had seen them on your TV. Someone had turned you into one. The doctors that healed you had no idea what they had created, they couldn’t have. They never would have let you leave. The fear of becoming a lab rat caused you to keep it to yourself and when they finally discharged you, you got back to the US as fast as you could. 

You had tried to dye your hair back to its normal state, but nothing would change the jet black that framed you. You took to wearing blue contacts to make your eyes appear a more normal color. You found out the doctor that treated, turned you into what you had become was looking for you. Once your family was returned home and buried you disappeared from everything you had known and loved about your home. You effectively erased Y/N Y/L/N from existence by faking your own death. People were led to believe you took your own life. After loosing everything you loved it wasn’t hard for people to believe. You had to leave everything about who you were behind. 

Three years later, with a new identity, you were living in New York City working as a freelance journalist. You had changed your name to Camille Ballard and were trying to live a semblance of a normal life pretending you didn’t have any special abilities when a man opened fire on a huge crowd. You had grabbed a nearby child, held them close to you to protect them. Without evening trying, you formed a purple force field around the two of you, saving both of your lives. As soon as you realized what happened, you rushed home and packed as much of your belongings as fast as you could and planned on making a break for it. If that doctor saw footage of what you just did, he might figure out you were alive and come looking again. 

Luckily for you, Iron Man had been there to help with the situation and saw what you had done. Before you had the chance to catch a bus, he found you and was set on recruiting you for The Avengers.

 “Mr. Stark...you’re mistaken. That wasn’t me. I’m nobody. I’m like a ghost.” You were desperate to convince him you weren’t who he thought you was. But he knew.

“Then why are you trying to bolt with almost everything you own? C’mon kid...you don’t have to live a life on the run. I can help you. You don’t HAVE to be a ghost.” He wouldn’t relent and he wouldn’t let you leave. 

Even though everything in your brain told you to run, your lonely heart was begging you to trust him, to let him in. He had saved the world more than once and here he was offering to save you. Your heart won and you broke down and told him your story. Tony Stark, with all of his bravado held you as you sobbed for your lost family, your identity and assuaged your fears of not knowing what had been done to you. 

“Cam...I can call you Cam right?” His kind smile put you at ease. He made quite a few promises to you. He offered you a home and a family of sorts. He promised that he would find out what had been done to you. He promised to give you a purpose. Just like you knew that doctor was lying to you the day your parents died, you knew you could trust Tony Stark. Your mother’s voice telling you everything happened for a reason echoed in your brain. You had been given a gift, it was your responsibility to use it to do something good in this world. It was the best way to honor your parents and sister.

Tony eased you into life at The Avengers compound. He insisted you see a trauma counselor to really deal with the loss of your family. You had protested at first, you didn’t want to open up those wounds. He brought you to meet Pepper. She was the one that convinced you to get the emotional help you needed. She told you about Tony’s PTSD and how it had affected both of them. She promised that she and Tony would be there for you as you dealt with all of the pain you had buried for years. You finally agreed.

Once you were settled, Tony and Bruce began running tests to see if they could figure out what had happened to you. Best they could tell, someone had injected you with a serum, they just couldn’t figure out exactly what it was. Clearly it had been experimental because neither of them had seen anything like your blood work before.  Bruce had been fascinated by your blood test results. Tony had been able to get his hands on old blood work from a well child visit when you were a kid to compare it to your blood today. 

“Whatever they gave you changed your DNA entirely.��� Bruce had been entirely fascinated until he saw the look on your face. “I’m sorry Camille. I know you feel like a science project.” Bruce knew all too well what it was like to be changed to your core. You realized that day you had made the right decision by coming to the compound. For the first time in years, you didn’t feel alone.

6 months after you had gotten there Tony had taken to calling you The Protector. You could heal yourself and others. Your fight or flight response produced the protective force field that would encompass you and anyone close to you. After a few months of work you could create them on demand. Your enhancements also made you as close to a human lie detector as someone could get. It took intense concentration to be able to tell if someone was trying to deceive you. Your new abilities made it so you couldn’t be hurt by anything physically or emotionally by anyone’s lies.

Once you had handle on what you could do, you needed to be able to fight, protective force fields weren’t enough. Offense was just as important as defense. Tony had paired you up with Bucky Barnes for your training. He and Bucky had gotten past their differences and Tony was in a mission to help put the Sergeant back together again. Tony was good at fixing people. You were Bucky’s first real assignment. Tony had a feeling that you would help James Barnes as much as he would help you.

Tony had been right. You kept a wall around yourself built with bricks of sarcasm, sass and witty comebacks.  Bucky recognized this immediately and sought to dismantle your carefully constructed barrier to block anyone from getting too close to you. One night he had pushed you past your limits and you had broken down. Once the floodgates opened you couldn’t shut them. Bucky was the only other person you confided your full story in. Like Tony, you knew your secrets were safe with him. 

Bucky had experienced his fair share of loss. He had been experimented on without his permission. He understood, he could empathize. He used your training to help you work through your anger and grief. You excelled under his instruction. You were a hell of a hand to hand fighter and other than Bucky you had the best shot in the compound. Your aim and speed with a firearm was impeccable. Slowly, Bucky became your best friend.

After almost two years of hard work and training you had been officially made an Avenger and had been working mission after mission for almost 8 months straight. It felt great to be able to help so many people, including your teammates. But you needed a little break to recharge. You requested some time off and decided to let loose a little bit. You had spent the evening out with some of the SHEILD agents. You had become friends with a couple of the girls that were in the cadet training program. 

“Cami, I warned you about him, yet again you didn’t listen. You never listen when it comes to guys.” Bucky was giving you the once over. 6AM and you had stumbled back into the compound. You had stayed with one of the girls to sober up a little bit and were hoping to sneak back in unnoticed but Bucky was up early to train with Steve.

“I know...I know. But he was so cute, I was hoping he’d try to be a gentleman.” You pulled a bottle of Tony’s expensive Vodka out of the cabinet Bucky raises his eyebrows. “Just trying to ease into the hangover.” He grinned and shook his head. As you poured a shot, the bane of your existence stormed into the kitchen. Steve Rogers looked your tight jeans, heels and fitted black T-Shirt and scoffed in judgment.

“There you are Camille, I’ve been trying to find you since last night. Are you just getting home?” You gave him a deadpanned look. “Is there a reason why Agent Harrington is out of field work for two weeks with a broken nose and two black eyes and a concussion?” He had his hand on his hip and he was glowering at you.

“Well Agent Handsy was given fair warning” Bucky leaned against the counter. Watching you and Steve verbally spar was his favorite show. You said you hated Steve and his self righteous attitude. Steve said you got under his skin and didn’t appreciate your mouth and sarcasm. It was really a poor way to veil your mutual attraction. He saw how your eyes would linger on Steve while training. He watched Steve’s eyes soften on you anytime he thought no one was looking.

“What do you mean?” Steve’s voice dropped lower. First he was ready to rip you a new one, but he didn’t like the idea of anyone putting unwelcome hands on you. He rolled his jaw wanting to give the agent a few injuries himself.

“He thought that buying me two drinks gave him permission to put his hands on my ass. I told him otherwise. He did it again and I told him if he didn’t keep his hands to himself I was going to break his face. He thought that was an invitation to try and dip his hand down the back of my pants. I saw that as an invitation to bash his face into the bar. Maybe he’ll listen to the next girl and keep his hands to himself. Maybe if he apologizes, and means it, I’ll heal his pretty boy face.” It was out of character for you to lay hands on someone like that, but you couldn’t help but think of him doing this to some other poor girl who couldn’t stop him. He needed to be taught a lesson.

“That’s my girl!” Bucky laughed. The douchebag had it coming  in his opinion. He was proud of you for sticking up for yourself.

Steve pinched the bridge of his nose. He couldn’t reprimand your for defending yourself . “I’ll have a talk with him.” You raised both of your eyebrows at Bucky in surprise. It didn’t matter what you did or the reasoning, Steve was usually pissed at you. He took the shot from in front of you and dumped it down the sink. Your jaw dropped and you glared at him. 

“Hey!” You protested. It was Steve’s turn to roll his eyes.

“It’s 6am- you’re not having vodka.” You threw your hands up.

“What are you my dad? I’m on vacation.” You tried to reason, tone laced with sass, arms crossed in front of you. It was sometimes hard for Steve to believe you weren’t somehow related to Tony Stark.

“About that. I have a mission in South America and you need to come with me.” As much as your attitude pissed Steve off, you were a good teammate and excellent at what you did. You deserved some time to yourself, but he needed your skill set.

“What? No! C’mon! you promised me 7 full days off Freeze Pop.” Steve rolled his jaw at the nickname silently cursing Tony. His frustration with you was building up again. Why couldn’t you just do as you were asked, just once, without arguing.  

“You speak Spanish fluently and I need a female agent with me.”

“So does Natasha. Last I checked she was also a female. Take her. I’m not really interested in pretending to be your significant other.” You knew the mission that he was referring to. The target was in vacation with his wife at some resort. The plan has been for a pair to pose as a couple on their honey moon to gain access to the resort and get closer and obtain as much intel as possible. 

“It’s a recon mission. We only have one working appearance enhancer so I won’t be recognized. Nat is too recognizable. Plus you also have an uncanny ability to sense when someone is lying.”

“Natasha is an ex super spy. She would figure it out!” You knew you were fighting a loosing battle. Steve didn’t know why you really had asked for the time off, and you weren’t about to share your deepest secrets with him.

“Look, Nat is with Clint and his family for the weekend. I’m not asking her to come back.” Steve was fighting the urge to yell at you. He just wanted you to be compliant, just this one time. The idea of being close to you and alone with you had him unnerved.

“Of course. We wouldn’t want to ruin HER time off. This is bullshit!” Your voice dripped with sarcasm. You knew you were acting like a brat. You wouldn’t ask Natasha to come back. You were hoping to get him to push the mission back. Bucky’s head bounced back and forth between the two of you. He watched as Steve’s jaw clenched one more time and the little vein in his forehead pop. You were one of the few that brought this side of him out. He had infinite patience for anyone but you.

“ENOUGH!l He finally snapped. “Agent Romanoff has more than paid her dues! She’s been at it for years! I’m not going to drag her back from time with what she considers her family so you can go on a bender.” You took a few steps back and recoiled. Steve immediately regretted it. “Camille...”

“No it’s fine Captain. I get it. My need for a break is less important because what? I’ve been fighting with you for less time? I haven’t paid enough dues for you yet? Got it. Let me go get some sleep so I’ll be refreshed enough to serve you. Send me the itinerary so I’m ready when wheels go up. I’m a B-Team Avenger. No one knows who I am so for once in your eyes it makes me an asset.” You turned quicker not wanting him to see how upset you were. He wouldn’t understand why you were so upset. You thought it better he see you as a selfish brat than a broken woman.

“Cam...” Bucky’s voice trailed and you avoided his grasp. 

“It’s fine Buck.” You quickly retreated. You’d be damned if you let Steve have the satisfaction of making you cry. If he knew the real reason you were brought to tears he wouldn’t revel in it. To Steve Rogers you were young, bratty and had a problem with authority. You’d like to keep it that way. It protected you. 

Bucky gave Steve a dirty look and threw his hands up. “I didn’t mean it like that. I didn’t mean for it to come out like that.” Steve deflated. “She’s just so infuriating. Every time she rolls her eyes at me I want to throttle her. It’s not like she can’t have her time off after we get back.” Your reaction didn’t sit right with Steve. You gave him a hard time, all the time, that was true. But you never argued about a mission. 

“You know...if you dealt with your feelings, you might be able to keep it together with her." Bucky shook his head and started retreating from the kitchen. Steve cared about you, anyone that knew you could see you were funny, smart, caring and willing to put yourself on the line for anyone else. But you were afraid of letting too many people get close to you. Bucky knew you were afraid to really care about someone and lose them like you did your family. He knew you felt something for Steve Rogers too. So you kept him at arms length with attitude that drove Steve up the wall. 

"Feelings? I have no feelings." Steve's face clouded with confusion. Bucky dramatically rolled his eyes. Apparently everyone was spending too much time with Tony. He turned and headed to follow you. “I thought we were training?” Steve called after Bucky.

"I'm going to check on Cami and make sure she's alright.” Bucky pauses for a moment. “There’s a reason why she gets under your skin. Ponder that.” Steve groaned as he watched Bucky retreating down the hallway.

***

"Hey! Knock much?!” You yelled out covering your shirtless torso with your blanket as Bucky barged in. He wiggled his eyebrows at you. 

"That’s what you get for giving me the code to your room. Nothing I haven't seen before."

"Um...you haven't seen mine." He grinned at you and shut your door.

"Eh...you see one set, you've seen them all." you shook your head and rolled your eyes. 

“You are seriously like a man child. Stop ogling me or I’m telling Nat.” You grabbed your shirt and turned around to throw it over your body. Bucky and Nat had been dating for about 6 months. You had watched him pine after her while he had been training you. It had been a relief when she finally made a move because he clearly never would. They were an excellent couple. 

“Umm, hate to break it to you but Nat and I ogle you together behind your back. You’re hot and you have a killer ass. Plus she knows we’re BFFs and nothing is ever going to happen between us.” You felt your face heat up and  laughed out loud at the thought of Bucky and Nat checking you out together.

“What do you want Bucky?" you asked while laughing.

"I just wanted to make sure you were alright. He didn't mean it like that."

"I know. I'm just oversensitive and cranky because I only slept like 3 hours. I'll be fine after a nap."  You climbed into your bed and rolled onto your side, your back facing Bucky. You were oversensitive, but you weren't fine. You felt a melt down bubbling under the surface. You just wanted Bucky to leave so you could do so in peace. Not that he hadn't ever seen you cry before, you just hated an audience. Instead of hearing him leave, you felt the bed sink as he sat down next to you.

“He doesn’t know why you wanted this week in particular off. If you would open up to him or to anyone else a little bit more they would all be there for you, support you. C’mon Cam, look at me.”  When you didn’t respond, Bucky sighed, brushed the hair off the side of your face. “I wish you would talk to him. I think if you guys put your egos in check and opened up to each other you’d be really close. You should tell him it’s the anniversary of the accident. He’d want to be there for you. Steve is a good guy. The best guy I’ve ever known. You just needle each other. You’re the first person to really challenge him other than Tony. He doesn’t know how to handle it.”  You scoffed. Steve Rogers was a first class asshole to you ever since your first mission with him. You sensed the mission was a set up, your insides had felt like they were on fire. You tried to tell him but he pushed forward with the mission. Sam has gotten pretty hurt. After you healed him you had lost your shit on Steve. It had been downhill from there. It was messed up, but you got a rush out of giving him a hard time. 

You hated to admit it, but Steve Rogers was the most attractive asshole you’d ever laid eyes on. You often found yourself daydreaming about his hands. You had a thing for his hands. You got goosebumps anytime he touched you. He had gripped your hips one day trying to adjust your stance and it took all of your self-control not to throw yourself at him. And then there were his lips. His perfect pink lips that you wanted to devour just to shut him up. 

You were jolted from your thoughts as Bucky leaned over and kissed your cheek. “I’ll come back in a couple of hours to wake you up with coffee and some food. Then I’ll help you pack for your ‘couples retreat’. By the way, I expect hilarious text updates since I won’t be there to witness the shit show of this mission.” You didn’t need to turn to picture the stupid smirk on his face. You and Steve would be investigating a crime ring. Some rich white guy hiding in Buenos Aires. Illegal arms deals, drugs, and pretty much anything else nefarious was in this guys wheelhouse. That was why Steve needed a female agent that wasn’t well known yet. He would be expecting the Avengers. This guy would see Natasha coming from 29 miles away. 

“Thanks Bucky. In all seriousness you have saved me in so many ways.” you mumbled as he stood up to leave.

“Anytime kid, anytime.” He slowly retreated as you settled into your bed to go to sleep.

True to his word, Bucky came back with food and coffee a few hours later expecting to have to drag you from your bed. Instead he found you standing in front of the mirror on your closet door studying yourself. Freshly showered, your long black hair was fastened into a braid that served as your crown. It had taken one guy to grab you by the ponytail during a mission for you to change your hairstyle. That braided crown was now your signature look. 

Instead of your black body suit you wore on missions you were clad in denim shorts and a tank top with tropical flowers and a pair of flip flops. ucky had a feeling the short shorts were to get under the skin of a certain Super Soldier.t. The blase look on your face told him you didn’t even realize you were dressed to drive Steve Rogers mad. You would have a certain gleam in your eye any time you did something to torture the poor Captain. He had seen Steve staring at your ass many times. Bucky took pleasure in the deep blush on Steve’s face any time he called him out. Those shorts were going to drive him insane.

“No suit?” You looked up when he questioned you.

“Not needed. It’s packed but we’re going to the safe house first and then we’ll take a cab to the hotel to make it look like we came from the airport.”

“You look cute.” He grinned. You threw a sneaker at him that he easily dodged.

“South America in the summer is stifling.” Your voice was flat, missing the normal spark. 

“Doll, did you even sleep?” You looked over at him with a sad smile. It was jarring to see you so vulnerable. Bucky knew it had to feel good to let your guard down and just feel your feelings. You didn’t do it often. It was reserved for himself and Tony. He just hated that empty look in your eyes. 

“That shot of Vodka would have helped.” You took a long sip of the coffee he brought you. “I’ll be fine Sergeant. Actually maybe working is better than not working.” Bucky pulled you into a tight hug.

“I’m sorry Cam. I really am. I wish I could go back and change everything for you.” You pulled back and looked at him.

“No. Everything happens for a reason. I have to believe that my parents and sister were saved from something much worse. I can’t live in regret or in the past. I’ve always given myself these few days to wallow. Maybe it’s time I move on from that too.” 

“You’re so wise.” He grinned trying to lighten to mood. You groaned and pushed him away. He sat with you in a comfortable silence as you ate.

“When does Nat come back?” You finally spoke.

“Couple of days. She wanted me to tell you how sorry she was that she’s not here so you didn’t have to go.” You shook your head.

“You tell her there is nothing to be sorry for. She deserves her time with those kids. I know how much she loves them. I’m not mad at her and you know I really wouldn’t have let Steve call her back. He just caught me off guard.” Bucky picked up your bags and nodded to the door. 

“C’mon, I’ll walk you to the jet.” You followed Bucky out of your room, part of you dreading this mission with Steve and part of you excited at the idea of really being alone with him.

***

“Agent Harrington- I expect that you’ve learned your lesson and will be keeping your hands to yourself from now on.” Steve glowered over the young agent. He had been ripping into him for the past half an hour. 

“Seriously? Look what she did to me?!” He finally erupted. 

“You put your hand in her pants. And before you try to deny it, someone already corroborated.” 

“Of course they did.” Steve was appalled that he was showing no remorse what so ever.

“Something like this happens again and you will be discharged from this program, do you understand me?” He finally relented. 

“Yes Sir.” He dropped his attitude. As he turned to leave you stood there with Bucky wide eyed. You thought Steve’s ire was reserved just for you. You hadn’t expected him to defend your honor. Steve’s deep blue eyes met yours for a moment and the fire behind them made your heart clench. Agent Harrington gave you an icy stare as he walked past you, but you were too busy staring at Steve to notice.

“I’m just gonna put your bags in the jet.” Bucky rushed past Steve to give the two of you a moment.

“He touches you again...he even glances in your direction in an unsavory way and you tell me.” Steve’s voice was low. You could only nod as your mouth had gone completely dry.” You blinked back shock a few times.   

“Th-Thanks.” you finally managed to stutter. You couldn’t get over the way he was looking at you.

“There she is!” Steve watched your face light up at the sound of Tony’s voice, disappointed that he wasn't the one that caused the excitement in your eyes.

“I’ll meet you on the Jet. Take off in 5.” You nodded and turned to Tony.

“What are you doing here?” You didn’t think Tony was even on site today. 

“Well...Cap told me about the impromptu mission so I just wanted to check on you. I know this is a hard few days for you.” He had his hand on your cheek and was smiling down at you. Tony Stark was looking at you like his own daughter. It choked you up a little bit.

“I’ll be fine. It’s probably better I’m going to be busy.”

“You sure? I can put the kibosh on this whole thing. Rogers thinks he’s in charge but we all know it’s me.” You laughed and he hugged you. "Did you get a chance to read the case file?"

"Yes Tony. Martin Cobb. Top one percenter, runs a BioTech firm Cobb International and owns multiple properties. We've got tips that he may be smuggling street drugs and illegals arms through the southern border. We're going down to whatever the hell that resort in Argentina is called. We received intel that he and his wife will be there this week. We're going in just looking for information from any of his associates and to get eyes on Cobb and watch him interact."

"Okay, just wanted to make sure you had everything. Don't do anything stupid. If you can interact with him safely, great. If not, stay away from him. We just want info, we don't want to tip our hand just yet." You nodded at Tony and he hugged you again. "When you get back, we're celebrating your birthday." He held his finger up before you could argue. "Yes. It's been 5 years. You should be celebrated." As much as you wanted to argue with him, you knew it was pointless. You simply hugged him again, thankful that he came into your life when he did.

Across the hangar, Steve was watching you and Tony with intrigue. He looked over at Bucky.

“What’s going on with her? Why is Tony here.” Steve rolled his eyes as Bucky shrugged. Frustrated that he knew there was something deeper here, but that no one would tell him. “Look I know there are things about her that I don’t know. I know she’s confided in you. Tony found her, I don’t even know where, and he kept her hidden for months and then he’d only let you train her. Is there something I should be worried about? Is there something I should know?” Bucky put your bags down.

“I can’t share her story. That’s for her to decide to share. She’s fine. You know Tony loves her like she’s his own kid. She’s never gone on a mission that he hasn’t seen her off on if he wasn’t going. She’s been through some shit. Tony knew that she and I would be a good fit. And he was right. Just try and not to let her get to you. Try keeping your temper in check and maybe she’ll open up to you.“ Steve did have a short fuse when it came to you. 

“Rogers! Take care of my girl!” Tony yelled as you stepped towards the jet.

“Bye Bucky.” You gave him a quick side hug. “Ready Captain?” The mischief was back in your eye. He watched you walk onto the jet and groaned a little. You were going to kill him over these next few days if you were wearing outfits like that. Bucky clapped him on the shoulder but kept his comments to himself and headed back inside of the compound.

***

You were following Steve into the safe house from the jet. He was carrying 99% of everything. He’d only relented to let you carry your own bags. It must have been a 40s thing. He and Bucky would rather walk on hot coals than let you open your own door or carry more than them. You laughed when you entered the little cabin. While it didn’t look like much in the outside, it was very clearly a Tony Stark property.

“What’s funny?” He turned to you. It was a genuine question, you were used to his voice being laced with irritation

“I think safe house...I don’t think California King, high tech computers and what I’m assuming is a stocked fridge.” The one room cabin had a kitchen that led to a huge room with the large bed, a decent size couch against the wall and a computer station with dual monitors.

“That’s Tony for you.” You hummed in response. “So I just have to check a few things before we go to the hotel. You could uh, take a nap if you want. You look tired.” Your brow furrowed. Normally he would have lectured you about not getting more rest and being out all night. This must have been written across your face because he followed it up. "I know this mission wasn't planned."

“Can’t sleep.” You simply stated. You saw concern lacing his features. “I could use some fresh air. I’m going to check out our private beach if you’re sure you don’t need me?” The idea of a private beach for a "safe house" was hilarious to you. 

“I’ll come get you when we’re ready to go. You nodded and headed to the back door. You paused before opening it and looked back to find Steve still staring at you. You gave him a small smile, still unnerved and slipped out the back door.

The warm briny air assaulted your senses, bringing you back to the last day with your family so many years ago. You sat down in the sand far enough back so were you were seated was dry, but just close enough to the water to where the waves washed over your feet and ankles as you extended them out. The tide was strong, you assumed that storms would be headed this way within a few days. Hopefully you and Steve were back home before that happened. 

"Y/N! Y/N! Look at my sand castle!" Ella's excited voice flooded your memories. Her vibrant face and brilliant eyes laced with happiness as she pulled you to the little mound of sand she had created. 

"Wow Ella, that's beautiful. What do you say we make a mansion for all of the little sea creatures here?" You sat down in the wet sand and grabbed her shovel and pales and began building your masterpiece. 

Ella's giggles rang through the air as the tilt-a-whirl spun you around and slammed her little body into yours. "Again! Again!" She yelled as she dragged you off of the ride and back into the line.

You watched from a distance as your mother and Ella pointed the water guns at their targets, trying to get Ella a bigger, better prize as your father stood with his arm around you in line for the roller coaster. He pulled you close to him for a side hug. "I'm so proud of you Y/N. You worked so hard. You're an amazing sister. We're all going to miss you so much when you're at college in the fall. I can't wait to see the amazing things you do with your life. Happy Birthday sweetheart."

Metal crunching. Screams. The smell of copper assaulting your senses as you felt someone grip you by the waist and pull you out of the back seat. Flashing lights and sirens.

Your brain was assaulted with memories you often pushed down, but when you felt the foamy water hit your toes....you couldn't stop it. You didn't notice anyone approaching, not realizing you had been outside for almost an hour. After sitting for a while, you had stood and slowly strolled along the shore trying to push out the horrific memories of the accident and replace them with the happy ones of that day. You defensively smacked a hand away that gripped your shoulder your brought your foot down in a sweep to knock them down and spun, ready for a fight. The man sitting in front of you had Auburn hair and hazel eyes. You had no idea who he was, but then you gave yourself a second to notice his other features. That jaw line was unmistakable and you would recognize his hands anywhere. It took you a moment to realize who you were looking at and what you had done.

"Oh my god, Steve I'm so sorry. You scared the hell out of me. I’m- I’m not wearing the contacts so I couldn’t see through the appearance changing thing. I didn’t  realize." You felt your face heat up in embarrassment. You put your hand out and helped pull him to his feet. 

"It's okay. I didn't mean to scare you. I called your name but you didn't hear me. I forgot I looked different. Great reflexes by the way. Wait...are you crying? Why are you crying?" You quickly wiped the tears from your face, looking away.

"I'm not...it's, it's nothing. I'm fine." you stammered, cursing yourself for not being more self aware. Steve took a tentative step towards you, when you didn't flinch back, he put his hand on your cheek and turned your face back to him.

"It's not nothing. You wouldn't cry over nothing." He wiped a stray tear from your cheek. The way he was looking at you made you want to break down and tell him all of your secrets. Instead, you steeled yourself. Steve could literally see something change in your eyes as you pulled yourself together.

"You know I'm dramatic Steve." you adverted your eyes again. You felt his body deflate as he sighed.

"Camille...please don't do that. Please don't. Please don't cheapen your feelings and act like it's trivial." You felt your defenses building.

"Why do you care Steve? You hate me." You felt guilty as you saw a look of hurt pass his eyes.

"I...I don't hate you. I know I give you a hard time. But I don't hate you." 

"Can we please just drop this? Please?" He dropped his hand. 

"The cab will be here in a half an hour. It's about a 15 minute walk from the cabin through the woods where we're being picked up so no one is tipped off to the safe house. Meet me out front in 10." He turned to walk back to the house, not waiting for your response. Life was easier when you thought Steve Rogers hated you. You put your hand on your cheek, it still tingled from where he touched you. 

***

You were going to die, you were certain of it. It was almost July in Argentina and it was a balmy 105 degrees. The air was thick with humidity. You had been walking for 10 minutes and were certain you were going to pass out.

"Steve...we have to stop for a second." You were so irritated with his Super Solider perfection. He had both of your bags thrown over his shoulders, heavy jeans and a t-shirt on ad was barely breaking a sweat while hiking through the woods to get to your destination. You, on the other hand were wearing barely any shorts and a tank top, your face was bright red and you could feel sweat dripping down your back.

"Cam...we're going to miss the cab. We're literally like 5 minutes from where we need to be." He was trying not to be irritated with you. When he saw you, leaning over with your hands on your knees he wanted to just pick you up and carry you too, but he knew you were to proud to ever allow that.

"How are you not dying in those pants?" You gestured at him.

"It's the serum. It regulates my temperature better than your body allows you to." 

"I kind of hate you right now." You gave him a crack of a smile.

"I can carry you." He offered, knowing you'd say no.

"I'd rather die. Though I may die anyway." You were thankful that your hair was off of your shoulders.

"We're almost there. I promise." You nodded and stood up straight again after wiping your face on the inside of your shirt.

"I have dibs on the shower as soon as we walk into that room." Steve laughed and nodded in agreement. You managed the last few minutes of the trek. You had gotten there just at the right time for the cab to pull up. Steve piled all of your belongings into the trunk and you were on your way.

You were murderous when you pulled up to the resort. The cab that had picked the two of you up had been rickety and run down. The air conditioning in the car was broken and even with all of the windows open, all you could smell was the cab drivers BO. Steve could sense your mounting irritation and without thinking took your hand and squeezed it to try and calm you down. He felt you stiffen for a moment and then relax without making any eye contact with him. After a 45 minute drive you arrived at the front of a ridiculous resort. You hopped out of the car trying not to gasp for fresh air as Steve paid the driver and grabbed your things. He put his hand on the small of your back to lead you into the hotel. It was time to put your game faces on and play the happy couple. 

Cold air blasted you in the face and Steve felt your whole body visibly relax from where his hand was rested. He led you over to the front desk as you looked around at the exorbitant display of wealth in front of your eyes.

"Mr. & Mrs. Buchanan checking in." Steve smiled kindly at the woman at the front desk. You had to hold back a snort. Clearly we were reaching the bottom of the barrel for cover names. Steve could see the twinkle in your eyes. 

"Ah yes...I see right here Mr. and Mrs. Grant Buchanan." It took all you had not to roll your eyes at how your identity was lost at your supposed marriage. "Congratulations! I trust your wedding was wonderful." you stuffed your left hand in your pocket to dig out the faux engagement ring and wedding band and discretely slipped them on. Steve had already placed his on before you left. You were afraid the sweat dripping from your body would make them fall off.

"It was. We actually eloped. Rather spend the money on a great trip." You felt yourself lie. You really didn't want to have to come up with fake wedding details. As a little girl, you had dreamed about a wedding of your own, but that all changed. Now you couldn't even imagine letting someone close enough to your heart. The front desk girl seemed disappointed.You tuned her and Steve out as they finished chatting as she checked you in. 

"Now I expect we'll see you both down here for dinner tonight. We have a wonderful band playing."

"Of course, we'll see you later tonight."  You both declined having a bell hop escort you to the room.

“I thought this guy wasn’t supposed to be here until tomorrow? Why do we have to go to dinner tonight.” Steve gave you a pointed look.

“Because we need to blend in. Participating in their activities is necessary. I don’t want to stand out for showing up only when he’s around. Plus maybe we'll be lucky enough to get some intel from his associates.” 

Steve opened the door for you to the room. You paused in the doorway. The rug what a deep red. The bed in the middle of the room was the largest bed you’d ever laid eyes on. It was on a massive gold head and foot board. The bedding was a rich cream. Mahogany night stands stood on each side. In front of the bed was a large cabinet with a huge flat screen TV. To the right was a matching desk with a brown leather chair. To the left led to a small living room area with a large brown plush couch and a table with two chairs against the wall. You could only imagine what the bathroom looked like. “This is...extra.” Steve shut the door behind you and carried your bags over to the couch. Your eyes flickered over to the closet at the garment bags hanging. You furrowed your brow. “What are those in the closet?”

“Tony apparently sent some items down, not trusting us to dress ourselves.” You laughed at the thought.

“Well he wasn’t wrong. I look like a hobo compared to the way some of those women were dressed.” 

“You don’t look like a hobo.” You felt Steve’s gaze on you as you turned to look at him. “You just don’t need to try that hard.” You felt your breath hitch in your throat. 

“Thanks.” What the hell was happening? Where was the Steve that cut you no slack and had something to say about everything you did? This was unexpected. You were prepared for the other Steve. “Hopefully Tony didn’t pack any dresses that make me look naked.” You turned as Steve scoffed.

“Tony would never send anything like that for you. He’d rather put you in a garbage bag that covered you neck to toe.” You pondered that and laughed.

“That is true. I’ve gotten the ‘you’re not going out like that’ lecture from him before.” 

“Go take a shower. I’ll check in back home.” You grabbed your bag to bring into the bathroom with you. You paused before you closed the door.

“Thank you Steve.” You shut the door quickly before he could respond. You felt yourself blushing again. You had to get control of yourself.

You looked around and immediately fell in love with the bathroom. There was a huge whirlpool tub and large shower stall with multiple shower heads. Your planned on requesting a bathroom upgrade when you got home.

You studied yourself in the mirror. All of the makeup had essentially melted off of your face. Though still braided, your hair was frizzy from the heat and humidity. You looked hideous. But Steve had looked at you like...you couldn’t finish the thought. You looked at your eyes. Tony has made this pair of contacts especially for you. They changed your purple eyes to a bluish grey color. 

You had wanted to open up to Steve on the beach. You wanted to tell him everything, mostly because you felt so damn lonely and you just wanted someone to hold you. No, you wanted him to hold you. You rolled your eyes at yourself and got yourself ready to shower. You couldn’t drag anyone into the mess that you were, especially not Steve Rogers.

A few hours later Steve was stepping out of the bathroom dressed in beige dress shorts and a cobalt blue linen shirt. Tony has sent loafers for him and these weird socks that only covered half of his feet so they couldn’t be seen. He looked around the room but didn’t see you. He didn’t think you would venture out on your own. He felt a little panicked, but then he saw you. You were standing out on the balcony looking out at the ocean. Your dark hair in waves down your back. You must have sensed him approaching because you turned and smiled at him. He wasn’t used to that. Normally you scowled at him. But that smile did something to him and he felt his heart rate speed up.

“You definitely don’t look homeless now.” He cracked. You tipped your head back and laughed. Tony could pick out clothes, he’d give him that. You were wearing a light teal silk dress that had white polka dots on it. It was a thin strapped v-neck wrap dress with a ruffled hem. You paired it with white strappy sandals.

“I don’t think I have ever seen your actual legs.” He felt a little self-conscious as you looked him up and down. “Are you wearing socks?” You scrunched you’re face up.

“Yes. You just can’t see them.” You roared with laughter.

“He packed you no show socks?!” You were stunning when you laughed. Steve only wished he could see your real eyes. They glowed magenta when you used your powers, but if you were laughing really hard they would show little sparks of the glowing color. The contacts covered that up. “That alone was worth the trip. You better watch it Captain. He’s going to make you high maintenance yet.” They way you called him Captain did things to him. 

“You’re hilarious.” He deadpanned. You grabbed his hand and pulled him outside.

“Look at this view.” Your room faces the ocean. The sky danced with pinks, yellow and oranges as the sun set. “Do you see how harsh the waves are. There’s a storm coming. It’s a few days off, but it’s brewing.”

“How do you know?” When you looked over you expected him to be challenging you, hoping to prove you wrong. He looked genuinely interested. Not a hint of sarcasm in sight.

“I, um, I grew up near Cape Cod. I learned how to tell when a storm was coming.”

“No accent?” He was perceptive, but you knew that. He was trained to be.

“I worked hard at hiding the accent. Stops people from asking questions.” He nodded and took the hint. That was the first real piece of information you had ever told him about your past. He didn’t want to push his luck.

“Ready Mrs. Buchanan?” He offered you his arm. You rolled your eyes.

“Bucky made the reservations for you, didn’t he? Such a narcissist."

"Actually, it was supposed to be Bucky and Nat that did this mission, but she ended up having to leave." Steve chuckled as you linked your arm through his, leading you down to the dining room.

You and Steve were at the bar waiting to be seated. It reminded you of a wedding cocktail party the way they had everything set up. They had waiters walking around with appetizers. They would be opening the dining room in an hour for everyone to be seated for dinner service. 

Playing Steve’s significant other wasn’t as hard as you thought it would be. You had to tell yourself that his comforting touches were an act. You forced herself to remember what he was really like. The “that’s not the way we do things agent” “you’re reckless, those force fields won’t be able to protect you from everything.” And so on and so on. You tried to march the criticism and the snarky comments through your brain, but with the way he was looking at you, the marching band refused to play.

He was sitting on a bar stool and you were standing in between his legs. Your insides were screaming for you to run away from the Captain, to say something hateful to annoy him you her heart wouldn’t allow you to form the words. You felt him put his hand on your lower back and pull you close so it looked like he was holding you in an embrace. 

“These three men behind me are known associates of Martin Cobb, I recognize them from some of the intel. I've heard them mention Mr. Cobb a few times, but they're speaking to fast,  I can’t understand what they’re saying.” You tried to concentrate on the words coming from their mouths but Steve was making it almost impossible. He had run the tip of his nose from your shoulder languidly up to your neck. You swallowed. You could sense the eyes of some of the resort employees on you and Steve. He was definitely putting on a show.

“They’re-“ You had to pause and clear your throat. “They’re discussing his arrival tomorrow. They are to proceed with caution as his wife will be here. He’s coming to see a shipment. They aren’t saying what it is though. The way they're talking, it has to be some sort of drug.” You felt Steve press a kiss to your shoulder, silently hating him for being so good at his job. He brought his lips up to your ear.

“Are you okay? Is this too much? I just, the people that work here seem to be rather interested in us. I'm starting to think they're on his payroll.” Steve Rogers, always the gentleman even when what he’s doing is part of the job. He pulled back to look you in the eyes. You nodded. 

"I was thinking the same thing. I may not be as inconspicuous as we originally thought."

“Your table is ready Mr. and Mrs. Buchanan." Steve stood and took your hand to lead you as he followed the hostess to a table in the middle of the restaurant. You looked around hoping for something more private. You didn't want anyone overhearing your conversation. It was like the hostess could read your mind. “I’m sure no one will mind a little PDA. Mostly everyone here is newly married or celebrating their relationship.” Steve pulled out your chair and helped you sit down. Once the hostess left, Steve reached across the table and took your hand. You couldn’t discern what was real and what was him putting on a show, but the roughness of his hands was intoxicating. You found yourself not wanting him to let go. “You okay?” He broke your trance and you looked up and smiled.

“I am, I just feel a little on edge. But there are a lot of people here. You know, Bucky is going to be disappointed we haven’t almost killed each other. He wanted stories.” Steve threw his head back and laughed.

“Of course he does.”

“This, um, trip, was more suited for him and Nat I think.” You didn't want to call it a mission and have anyone overhear.

“I think we're doing okay." You couldn't look away from him. "Clint called and said Laura was having a hard time and they could use someone to distract the girls. The baby has colic." You shuddered, you remembered how helacious your sister's colic had been. 

“You know I never would have let you call her back right? I shouldn’t have acted the way I did.” Steve, who was still holding your hand squeezed it.

“It’s forgotten. I shouldn’t have lost my temper. You have to know I don’t think of you as a secondary team member. You’ve saved so many people, including people on our own team.”

“Thanks Steve.” You were happy the lighting hid the blush on your cheeks. Your internally cringed at the amount of times you felt yourself blush. You felt like an idiot. The way Steve was looking at you, you felt like you couldn’t breath. He let go of your hand as the waiter approached. You took 3 long sips of your drink. You needed to shake Steve Rogers and his perfect eyes from your brain. 

The rest of the evening had been uneventful in regards to Martin Cobb intel. Soon after you were done eating, the men left. You had suggested going back to the room to try and get a jump on the next day, but Steve shook his head.

“I need to show you something first." Steve led you outside onto the beach. You took your heels off and carried them so you could walk with him. He had his arm around you as he led you further down to the other side of the resort.

"Are you taking me somewhere to kill me? Where are we going?" He snickered lightly. He stopped when he got to a path that led to a wooded area. 

"This is important. If you take this path right here, it cuts through the woods to the safe house. It's a short cut from. If we need to make a break for it...you go this way."

"You made me ride in that smelly cab for almost an hour when we could have cut through the woods? What is that building over there?" You saw a grey concrete building with a flat roof. It couldn’t have been more than two rooms on a single floor.

"I think someone would have noticed if we didn't arrive at the front entrance and were sneaking through the woods." You snorted when you laughed.  You were about to make a smart ass comment when Steve grabbed you by your waist and pulled you to him. Your eyes went wide as he pressed his lips to yours. After a moment, you kissed him back, wrapping your arms around his neck, running your hand up the back of his hair. You were so focused on how his tongue was tracing the your bottom lip and how it felt to have his hands gripping your hips that you almost didn’t hear the man that was barreling towards the two of you.

"HEY! You two! You can't be over here!" one of the workers was running towards the two of you. Steve pulled back and you let out an involuntary whine.

"I'm so sorry sir. We just started walking down the beach and got a little carried away with each other, I didn't realize how far from the resort we had wandered." He saw the guy coming, that was why he kissed you. You felt disappointment creeping in.

"This area is closed off to guests. Please, head back towards the resort." Steve took your hand and started leading you back the other way.

"Right. We're so sorry." You were still stunned. Steve hadn't even warned you that someone was coming. You glanced back towards the little building you saw. There was a reason why they didn’t want you over there. You were sure that building was important. Steve pulled you along. 

"It's alright...I know how young love is." The man chuckled as he followed you back. He didn't leave until the two of you were back in the hotel lobby. Your heart was pounding in your chest. Steve didn't say another word to you as he led you to the elevator or the entire ride up. Once you were back in your room and the door was shut behind you, he gave you a sheepish smile.

"I'm sorry. I just saw that guy almost running at us and I didn't want to blow our cover, I didn't have time to warn you." 

"No...it's...it was fine. You just surprised me. I'm going to go change." You quickly grabbed some clothes out of your bag. You felt yourself get brave and you turned back to Steve who’s eyes hasn’t left you. “You know...for being a century old, you’re not a bad kisser.” You gave him a small smile and then shut the bathroom door behind you as his cheeks blazed red. You leaned your back against the door and put your fingers to your lips. Not ever before in your life did a kiss make you feel like that. You took a few moments to compose yourself after you changed into a pair of spandex shorts and an over-sized Stark Industries T-Shirt. 

As you exited the bathroom, Steve was standing near your bag with a strange expression on his face. You looked down and saw the picture that you brought with you everywhere in his hands. You took a few strides over to him and yanked it from his hands.

“It- it fell out of your bag. Is- Is that you?” You looked down at the picture. It was at breakfast the day you lost your family. There was a birthday candle sticking out of your waffles. Ella was sitting on your lap as they sang to you, the waiter had taken the picture. You couldn’t remember the last time you looked that happy. Your face was exactly the same, but it had been a long time since you had seen your natural hair and eye color. It was almost jarring. You turned away from Steve and he could feel you bricking up the wall he started knocking down.  “Camille...talk to me. Please. Who is that?” For all Steve knew, that could be your sister. You didn’t look like you anymore. You wiped a stray tear.

“I haven’t been that girl in a long time. She’s a ghost Steve. She’s no one.” He pulled you back to him.

“Don’t do that. Please don’t do that. You can trust me. Don’t shut me out.” You cleared your throat and pulled your arm away from Steve so you could hug yourself.

“That was me, 5 years ago. 5 years ago to this day. My parents and sister were killed in a car accident while we were in a vacation in Europe. I should have died too, I sometimes wish I had died too. They injected me with whatever made me like this. I think whoever made me was looking for lost causes, people near death so that if their formula backfired, no one would suspect anything. But here I am. They were a success. But the girl in this picture is dead and gone.”  Before you could walk away from him, Steve pulled you to him in a bone crushing hug. He didn’t say anything, he just held you as you felt hot tears fall down your cheeks. 

***

You didn’t remember falling asleep. You felt like there was a heavy iron curtain hanging over you. You slowly blinked your eyes open and you were in bed, laying on your side facing the huge glass doors that led out to the balcony. You felt Steve’s body pressed against your back as he snored lightly. His arm thrown over your body. You stayed there for a moment enjoying the heat of his body and the safeness of his embrace. You slowly slid out from his grasp and grabbed your phone as you slid your flip flops on. You needed some air and some coffee.

You scrolled through your phone and saw a handful of missed calls and messages from Bucky. Did you guys get there okay? Have you driven Steve crazy yet? Why aren’t you answering me? Did Steve kill you already? And then the final one- Steve called me after you fell asleep. Call me when you get up.”

You closed the door slowly behind you so it wouldn't wake Steve and headed downstairs. You slipped through the lobby and headed out towards the back patio where breakfast was set up, in desperate need of caffeine. After you poured yourself a generous cup, you found a secluded table in the corner of the deck. You moved your chair so it was facing the railing and looking out over the ocean. Once you were situated you pulled your knees close to your body and dialed Bucky's number. It rang a few times before his gruff and sleepy voice answered.

"It's 5am Doll." Was all he said.

"Well good morning to you too." 

"It's 7am there. What the hell are you doing up already?" You listened as his voice slowly became more alert. "Are you okay? Steve told me about the picture, and you breaking down, and....I didn't think you'd ever tell him." You took a drink of your coffee.

"I"m fine. If he hadn't found that picture I probably wouldn't have, and I didn't tell him much. It was kind of cathartic. And Steve on this mission is much different than any other Steve I've worked with. And what was I supposed to do? Tell him it wasn't me? Believe me, I tried to not tell him. He just looks at you with those stupid blue eyes and you want to tell him all of your secrets." You had his full attention now.

"Stupid blue eyes huh? Exactly how well are you and Steve getting along?"

"Shut up Bucky."

"I KNEW IT! YOU LIKE HIM!!" He yelled into your ear. 

"You're insufferable." You looked around to make sure no one was paying attention, and also to make sure Steve wasn't sneaking up on you to hear your confession. "I can't keep anything from you, even if I should and want to. I may have a little crush." You rolled your eyes in defeat. Bucky Barnes would never let this go now.

"Little crush huh?"

"Okay fine, a huge one. But it's this mission. Pretending to be newly weds...all the fake affection, the kissing. It's messing with my brain."

"Wait...hold up. You kissed him?"

"Technically he kissed me. I just kissed him back." Bucky was making some sort of celebration whooping sound when you followed it up. "It's because we were sneaking around the property and got caught. He was trying to blow it off as us getting carried away."

"Was there tongue?" She could see him wiggling his eyebrows in her mind.

"Shut up. I hate you." She clenched her jaw as he laughed at her expense.

"Well that's a yes. I mean...I always knew your hatred for him was just a veil of your feelings."

"There are no feelings. It's a crush. I'll get over it." You said the word feelings like it was a curse word.

"Sure you will. Listen...I'm going back to sleep now that I know you aren't going to jump off the deep end. And maybe explore the possibility of feelings for Steve." Her shook his head when you scoffed. "And Cam?"

"Yeah Buck?"

"Happy Birthday." And with that he hung up the phone. You shook your head as you set your phone down on the table and took another sip of your coffee. The wind was whipping through your hair and you saw the dark clouds slowly approaching. The rain would start soon. The idea of a heavy storm trapping you on the island made your anxiety kick up. Then you thought about being trapped on the island with Steve and you settled into your thoughts.

"Well you look lonely." About 15 minutes later a voice yanked you from your daydreaming thoughts of Steve Rogers. You slowly turned to see a beautiful middle aged woman standing in front of you. She had beautiful curly dark hair, deep dark eyes, full lips and a gorgeous smile. Age barely marked her face. "Where is your other half?

"I'm sorry....do I know you?"

"Oh I'm sorry dear! I'm Maria Alvarez Cobb." you heard the alarm bells going off in your head. This must be Martin Cobb's wife. "I'm just surprised to see a lovely young woman like yourself sitting alone outside at a couples resort." 

"Oh! My husband is still sleeping. I woke up early and couldn't fall back to sleep, but I didn't want to wake him, so I came down for some coffee and to get some fresh air before it gets so warm later today." 

"If you don't mind me saying, you look rather young to be someone's wife." She took an uninvited seat at your table.

"Newly weds. I look young for my age." She wasn't being dishonest. You would know if she was, you would sense it. But something about her was off, you were sure of it.

"I didn't catch your name." You frantically tried to remember the name that was on the reservation. No one had called you by your first name. 

"Ainsley...Ainsley Buchanan." How you plucked that out of the back of your brain, you'd never know. 

"Stark Industries? Do you work for Tony Stark" she motioned to your t-shirt. You silently cursed yourself. Rule number one was never, ever let anyone associate you with anything Avengers or Stark related when on an undercover mission."

"Oh no...my brother Peter has an internship with Mr. Stark. A perk is plenty of free T-Shirts." She smiled.

"It must be nice to be close to a sibling." It felt like everything she said was an accusation. You simply smiled at her. 

"Well, I think I'll go and see if my husband has decided to wake up yet." You stood to walk quickly away and she grabbed your hand.

"Ms. Buchanan, my husband and I are inviting all of our guests to our anniversary party tonight at the resort. I do hope you'll be able to attend with your husband. I'd love to meet him. I try to meet all of our guests when we come down to stay here."

"Your guests?"

"Oh dear, my husband and I own this resort." You tried to keep your face as neutral as possible, on the inside you were screaming.

"I'm so sorry, I didn't even realize!" you feigned embarrassment. 

"Oh don't apologize. I wouldn't expect you to know. Will we see you tonight?"

"We wouldn't miss it for the world

As soon as you were out of anyone's line of vision you moved quickly to the stair well and ran up the stairs, not trusting yourself to be on an elevator with anyone else. Your hands were shaking as you tried to unlock the door. You cursed as you dropped your phone and it hit the bottom of the door. Steve must have heard you because he opened it before you could even put the key card in the door.

"Camille, what in the hell?" He looked at your disheveled appearance, panic spread all over your face.

"Shhh...let me in and shut the door, NOW" You yelled at him in a whisper. He moved so you could rush in and shut the door. He turned around waiting for an explanation for your frantic behavior.

"Steve...I fucked up. I fucked up BIG time." 

"It's 7:40 in the morning? How could you have possibly messed up?" You internally rolled your eyes at his refusal to use the same curse word you had. You took the ends of your shirt so he could read the logo. He squinted his eyes and shook his head to indicate he wasn't following your train of thought. "Okay I need you to say actual words."

"I woke up early and didn't want to wake you. I didn't even remember falling asleep last night to be honest. I felt foggy and I wanted some fresh air and coffee. I'm so sorry for breaking down like that. I'm such a fucking baby." Steve grabbed you by your shoulders.

"Camille...I need you to focus." You closed your eyes for a moment and when you opened them, he was looking at you with more concern that you had ever seen on his face before.

"Sorry. I went downstairs to call Bucky because he left me like 1800 messages. I didn't even think to change my shirt. When I got off the phone with him, this woman came up to me. Maria Alvarez Cobb." 

"Shit..." Steve let you go.

"I know. She was asking why I was alone. I told her my "husband" was still asleep and I wanted to enjoy the weather with my coffee. She mentioned the shirt. She asked me if I worked for Mr. Stark. I told her my brother Peter interned for him."

"So you covered. It's not that bad." 

"Steve. It's bad! When are you going to realize I can sense when something is off? It's more than just knowing when someone is lying. Lately...it's like I can sense the negative energy in the air. I felt off around her. She wasn't lying to me. But the warning bells were ringing in my head. She was definitely suspicious of me. She invited us to their anniversary party tonight. Actually, she said she was inviting all of their guests to the party. She and Martin Cobb own this place."

"What? That's not listed anywhere."

"I KNOW!" You threw your arms up. "I'm such a fuck up. I should know better than to even bring this shit with me on a mission."

"Cam...stop. It's okay." 

"You're not going to yell at me?" You jolted back, looking at him in shock.

"No...it was an honest mistake." Your drew your eyebrows together.

"You're not so calm because of you feel sorry for me, this isn't pity Rogers, is it?"

"Oh my God will you stop?" You crossed your arms in front of you glaring him down. "It's not pity. But it's already done. So now we just have to tread lightly from here." You nodded, relaxing your posture. 

"You put me to bed last night."

"I did."

"You held me."

"I did. You needed it." He waited for you to say more, but he could tell you couldn't find the words. "We all have baggage Camille. We all have scars. You don't have to bottle them up. We're all here for you. Not just Tony and Bucky. If you talked more, you might not feel broken. I'm here for you. You needed someone to be there for you last night. I'm here for you, any time you need someone." You nodded.

"Thank you. I'm not ready to talk more just yet. But thank you." 

"You're welcome. Now let's order some room service and get to work researching this woman and try to figure out what shipment they're expecting." 

***

Your nerves were shot. You and Steve found out next to nothing about the Cobb's. Maria was even more of an enigma than her husband Martin. As far as they could tell, Martin Cobb ran a BioTech company. There were none of the usual "drug front" businesses under Cobb International. Martin and Maria bought the resort 6 months ago. You were standing near the glass door staring out at the whipping wind and the heavy rain.

"I mean it makes sense why we didn't know they owned the place. I just can't figure out what it is that he's selling. We thought it was drugs and arms deals. Maybe we're wrong." Steve fixed the tie around his neck. You had been pacing all day. Pacing back and forth in front of the door. Pacing around the room. You couldn't sit still. "Camille, you're making me dizzy." You spun and looked at him and gave him a sheepish smile. You were wearing a black sweetheart neckline dress. It was chiffon with a small embellished belt and a high-low hemline; the shortest part of the dress just long enough to hide the thigh holster for your weapon. You paired it with flat gold gladiator sandals. You didn't want to have to fight, or run in heels. Your hair was in it's signature braid wrapped around your head. 

"Steve...I just have a bad feeling about this. Maybe we should call this mission and re-group. This storm is going to get worse. If we get into trouble, we wont be able to fly out of here."

"No...we're here. It'll be okay. They aren't going to do anything in a room full of people. C'mon, let's go down there for a while, see what's up and if you still feel like this, we'll leave and go to the safe house. I already have Tony and Bucky on standby." You nodded. He put his hand on the small of your back to lead you out of the room, he’d been doing it for the past two days and you didn’t think you would ever get sick of it.

Waves of anxiety passed through you as the two of you made your way into the ballroom. . Gold and crystal chandeliers hanging throughout the ceiling. Everything else in black. Black chairs, black table cloths. Then the gold and black plates. You grabbed a glass of champagne from a passing waiter. 

“I don’t know if getting drunk is our best play.” Steve whispered into your ear. You rolled your eyes.

“Oh grow up. A glass of champagne isn’t going to get me drunk. It’s going to calm my nerves.” You watched Steve’s jaw tick as you rolled your eyes.

“I swear to God if you roll your eyes at me again I’m going to roll them back for you. That drives me insane.” He whispered harshly in your ear. So it was the eye rolling that got to him, you did it often, which explained why he was always so triggered by you. You narrowed your eyes at him.

“Now is not the time or the place to threaten me with a good time, Captain.” The snarky comment came out of your mouth before you could stop it. You both stood there awkwardly for a moment staring at each other until Steve cleared his throat. 

“We should probably head that way.” Steve pointed you towards the back corner of the room. You nodded and let him lead you there. Here you were, probably walking into your deaths and you were flirting. You internally chastised yourself and thanked God no one else was on this mission. You’d never live it down. 

The two of you tried to eavesdrop on whatever conversations you could but got no information. Whatever was happening was deep under wraps. Martin Cobb didn't want his dealings around his wife, the men you had listened to last night made that clear. You should have known you wouldn't have been able to pick up on anything.  You could feel the electricity and anxiety coursing through your body. You felt Steve’s hand on your thigh to stop you from bouncing your leg. He had just gotten back from making another round of the room.

“I haven’t even seen the Cobbs.” You commented.

“I know. Let’s get out of here. We’ll pack our things and head to the safe house and see what to do next.” You were about to agree with him when you froze cold in your spot. “What? What is it?” You spotted a man across the room. You hadn't seen him in 5 years, but you would recognize him anywhere.

“That- that man over there. That’s Dr. Yablowsk,  the doctor that treated me after the accident.” He was tall and slender. Balding with white hair. He actually reminded you of Mr. Burns from The Simpsons. Steve saw a variety of emotions pass through your eyes.

“You mean- he’s the one that made you the way you are?” You nodded.

“He has to be. He was the only doctor that I saw the day of the accident. This can’t be a coincidence. Screw going back to the room, we’re leaving now.” You grabbed Steve’s hand and were about to drag him out of the room when you saw Maria Alvarez Cobb approaching you.

“You must be Mr. Buchanan. I met your lovely wife Ainsley this morning.” She shoved her hand at Steve and he graciously accepted the hand shake.

“Yes ma’am. It’s a pleasure to meet you. Ainsley told me she met you this morning and you personally invited us. Happy Anniversary.” Steve watched as the color drained from your face.

“Such a gentleman too. Hold on to this one Ainsley, good men are hard to come by.” Her smile seemed genuine, but she kept saying your name like it was an accusation. She knew you weren't who you said you were. You could tell by the way she was looking at you.

“I need to use the restroom.” You quickly slipped from the two of them and rushed outside. You felt sick. Your head was pounding and you had to get away from that woman. Once you were out of their line of vision, you headed outside. The rain soaked you as you you slowly started to make your way to the edge of the woods. You were hoping Steve would meet you there when you weren't by the restroom. You were banking on his uncanny ESP to know exactly where to go and what to do at all times. You paused when you got close to that little concrete building. The lights were on and you heard two men arguing.

“I need to get to the party. My wife is there and she’s trying to keep her at that party.”

“Martin- this isn’t a good idea. Just let her go, we have more. We can make more.” 

"NO! She's the first. She was our first successful case. She slipped from my grasp back then. I finally have the opportunity now!" You stumbled back.

They were talking about you. They had to be. You quickly slipped between two bushes and squatted down before you could be seen. You watched as Martin Cobb stormed out of the little building and headed towards the resort. You felt your hands shaking as you pulled your phone out of your small purse to text Steve. You warned him this was a trap and described where you were hiding.

The warm rain was making your dress stick to your body and the wind was almost knocking you over. You kept looking at your phone to see if Steve would answer you, but he hadn't said a single word back. You were squatting down trying not to hyperventilate and saying a silent prayer when you saw Steve coming  about 20 minutes later.

“What the hell is going on?”

“We need to get out of here. I’ll explain at the safe house. We are NOT safe. They know who I am.” Steve gave you a questioning look but accepted that you would explain when you were out of danger. The two of you moved as silently as you could. You were about go into the woods when you saw someone step out of the building.

“Y/N YLN” Your head snapped over to him as he called your real name. Steve looked at you in confusion. No one knew what your real name was except Tony Stark, not even Bucky knew.

“Who the hell are you?” You couldn’t get a good look at him, but he was tall and muscular with a shaved head.

“My name is Nick Webster, I’m the man that pulled you from the wreckage 5 years ago. I’ve been helping Martin and Dr. Yablowski look for you. It was smart, faking your suicide. But then Tony Stark found you and I knew...I just knew it was you. We didn’t realize how much your appearance had changed. You became a completely different person from when I saw you to when the doctor saw you. You know what gave you away?”

“Meeting Maria this morning.” The man laughed.

“Well that certainly didn’t help. No, that made us suspect something was off with you and your husband, that and the report that you were wandering a little to close to the woods. But it’s how you wore your hair tonight. It’s your look. “The Protector” always wears her hair like that. Don’t you realize that Martin Cobb is the one that sent all of those tips in to The Avengers? He's not dealing illicit drugs or illegal weapons. He's too smart and sophisticated for that. He wanted you here. I don’t know how he got so lucky that you were the one that came. You were his first creation. What’s shocking to me is that Tony Stark would send his Little Orphan Annie all by herself. Don’t you normally have that Super Soldier by your side? The ex assassin that is excellent at murder? The Winter Solider is it? Instead they send you with some B-List agent?“

“Actually, they sent her with me.” You and Nick Webster turned to where Steve Rogers was standing. You watched as Steve reached behind his ear and turned off his appearance enhancer. While you couldn't see his transformation because of your contacts, Nick saw the auburn hair melt into his normal dirty blonde rocks and his hazel eyes transformed into his piercing blue that were narrowed on Nick Webster. 

“Oooo Captain America! You must really be important to Stark.” Before you knew what was happening Steve took a few strides towards you and shoved your out of the way as Nick charged at him. You tried to get the comm that was in your bag into your ear as the two men fought. You knew Tony and Bucky were standing by waiting to hear from you and Steve. It was the quickest way to get a distress signal to them. You dropped your bag when you saw Nick pull out a blade and he was inches from stabbing Steve in the spine. You heard Tony’s words in your head. “C’mon kid, I bet if you concentrate hard enough you can throw a force field at someone to protect them if they aren’t next to you. Let’s try.” You had been working at it for months with Tony. You had come close a few times, but it never worked. "Maybe you just need the right motivation. It took a while for you to be able to create them on demand. We'll keep working at it. We'll get this." 

You felt power surging through your body as your hand shot out  towards Steve. You watched with slight awe as a purple orb few from your hand and surround Steve Rogers. The force almost knocked you over and took a lot of your strength. You were leaning against a tree to support yourself when you felt Nick’s blade pierce through your abdomen. You cried out in pain and fell to your knees. You held your hand to your stomach and tried to heal the wound, but nothing was happening. You watched as he stalked towards Steve and you quickly pulled the gun from your holster.

“Hey Nick!” You called out and as soon as he turned you put a bullet between his eyes and you fell to the ground. You silently thanked Bucky Barnes for making you an excellent shot.

“Cami...why didn’t you heal yourself?” Steve had ran over to you and dropped to his knees. Tendrils of your jet black hair had slipped from your braid and were sticking to your face. The pelting rain washing off the wet sand stuck to your face. Steve was frantic and trying to see the wound. He watched as you put your hand over where the blade had sliced through your body. Your eyes glowed the shade of magenta he had been enthralled with since the day he met you and he watched as it quickly flickered out. When he looked down at the wound it was still bleeding. 

“It’s not working. I don’t know why.” You mumbled, barely discernible.

“There must have been something on that blade that is affecting your healing ability. If Martin Cobb is the one that made the serum, he may have made something that can hinder hurt you.” Steve pulled his jacket and pressed it to your wound.

“I can still feel my powers below the surface. They’re just not strong enough to heal myself. He didn’t take them away.” Your voice cracked as you spoke.

“Dammit Camille, why did you throw that force field? Why didn’t you protect yourself?” Steve was pushing the wet hair off of your face and forehead. You gave him a weak smile.

“The team needs you more than they need me. You’re our leader. Besides, I’m always going to protect you.” You were starting to feel light-headed, and your vision was blurring.

“Cami…you don’t have to protect me. There isn’t anything that man could have done to me that I would survive. I’m a Super Solider. Getting beaten half to death and falling out of the sky didn’t kill me. You should have protected yourself instead.” Steve was saying more things to you, but you couldn't focus on everything that he was saying. Bits and pieces came through. He was yelling at you and begging you to stay with him when you felt a warm blanket of black fall over you. 

[thatonebirbnerd]

A Metal Rose

Word count: 1449 

Trigger warnings: Emotional/psychological abuse, sexual abuse including a non-graphic r*pe scene, forced body modification/surgery, eye trauma

This is my first time writing a story with anything remotely sexual in it, and it turns into... well... this list of TWs. What have I done...

Anyway, here’s some Silaane. Poor baby.

AO3 link

Season of the Scion, 1326

5 - Captured a young sylvari, fresh off the Tree. She seems rather malleable; a good test subject.

7 - Experiments begun. Some resistance shown at first; babbling about the Mother Tree. Displays signs of stress, including leaf loss and replacement with spines.

What… is all this?

It’s dark. I’m scared. I can’t move, or even blink. The only light comes from the spirals of energy around me. Why do these little creatures want to examine every crevice of me? What do they want from me?

---

19 - Resistance seems to have ceased. Tests begun in earnest. Seems to be shaping up well as an herbaceous, living weapon.

The creatures call themselves asura. They want me to fight illusions now. I’m not sure why. Sometimes their leader puts me in the tower of energy and cuts a hole in my bark. It hurts, but… it’s not like I can react or anything. Pale Mother help me…

---

49 - Training going well. Preparing for augmentations. Subject S, as I have named her, is becoming proficient with daggers and pistols.

I’m better at using weapons now. Maybe I could use them to escape someday, but what if I fail? What if they put me in… no. Don’t think about that.

The leader takes me over to a table. A hood floats over it, releasing a strange vapor. He tells me to lie down and take a rest for… a couple days? Odd… I’m very sleepy…

---

50 - Augmentation phase one successful: the easy part. No complications apparent. Biopsied torso and removed extraneous matter. Replaced missing bark with metal plate. Prepared augment insertion sites. Must sleep now. Keeping S under anesthetic magic through phase two.

51 - Augmentation phase two. It was a long, difficult process, but I’ve done it. Affixed elementary wiring for battery packs. Added matrix regulator at left scapula and strength amplification into both forearms. Substantial endurance enhancement system implanted throughout pelvic area. Enhanced optics in right eye. Obstructive tissue in all applicable areas… dealt with. Torso, arms, pelvis, and eye bandaged.

“Um… hello?”

Oh. He’s here. Why does everything-

Oh, Mother…

I’m covered in wires and metal and gears and… why? Why would he do this?

And… why can’t I see out of my right eye? What happened to-

“S. It’s alright. You’re alive. Now, let me put these batteries in. I’ll explain later.”

Ugh, this… plating feels so  wrong  . It’s like he gave me a human’s breasts. Stop treating me like a woman; sylvari are not that simple. Stop calling me a woman!

Damn it. I can’t live like this. “I… would you… hammer this chest panel down? I don’t like-”

“Oh, but you look so beautiful! And there’s essential hardware in there that I’d have to rewire...”

Essential hardware?

---

58 - It’s reveal day! Jubilation!

I don’t train for a week. The pain is at least going away, but what did he do?...

“Alright, let’s take the cover off this, remove the bandages…”

“I still can’t see. What did you-”

“Give me a few minutes to just unwrap you! Alchemy, I must’ve made you into a mummy. And a  gorgeous  mummy at that. My assistant took the liberty of dyeing the battery packs. and made you some  luscious  custom-fitted armor to handle the parts of you that are still arboreal. Well… wood. I hope you like it.”

The bandages come off. Underneath is… it’s awful. Bulging wires run beneath my bark, connecting to the battery packs and all that came with them. I don’t look down as he unwraps my hips. I don’t want to know what he did between my legs. And I don’t like the look in his eyes as he surveys his handiwork… 

For the first time, I am truly lost and alone. When I was kidnapped, I still had the Pale Tree. Now there is a silence in my mind, one that’s grown as I lost hope of help.

My captor switches the batteries on.

I don’t think anyone’s ever felt anything like this before. Except an asura, maybe. Energy surges through my body. I tense up, and feel so much stronger. I realize I’m shaking.

“Oh, look at you! Just perfect…”

I don’t like the way his voice sounds. There’s something so wrong about it.

My vision floods, but the left side is… different. I look closer at a tool across the room, and hear a little whir inside my head as the device focuses. Whoa, I’m dizzy! I close my remaining eye, and I realize that this strange asuran eye works like a telescope, something I saw in my Dream. I shift my focus off the wrench, and my vision returns to normal.

“And you were all worried!”

Why wouldn’t I be?

---

59 - Training has resumed. S has received her armor. I’m very excited now. Perhaps for a few more reasons than intended.

I’m fighting again. It’s hard to get used to this, but I’m stronger now. Too strong. I break a lot of things accidentally, so it’s a good thing that the sleek suit the asura gave me doesn’t have extra parts I could fiddle with.

But I hate the way he looks at the sheer panels over my hips…

---

62 - Found Subject S fiddling with a tree branch. Unsure of branch’s provenance, but S was clearly attempting to use it as a Canthan-style fighting staff.

I have an idea not long after I return to training. What if I were to use a pole as a blunt-force weapon, perhaps to sweep it under an enemy and knock them off balance? I decide to test it out on some illusions by using this big branch I found outside. Must have fallen from one of the trees.

I’m growing… angrier. More resentful, more heartless. I switch off the suit for a bit, but no, it’s all in my mind. Is this what Nightmare feels like?

---

78 - S seems moody lately. I’ve tried to cheer her up, but she seems decidedly unimpressed by toys. A bit surprising considering she or any other sylvari should have about the intelligence of a progeny.

Toys? That bastard makes me into his little freak, and the only thing he gives me for it is toys? 

I think I’ve seen enough. I have to stop giving in.

---

90 - S has crafted a short bow out of one of my captive devourers. Smart little cabbage, she’d killed it herself.

I got some practice in on one of the lab’s other denizens. A devourer. About the same size as an asura, I figure. I make a bow out of its carapace and some practice arrows out of its legs. It takes me a few hours to figure out how to use it, but by the end of it, I’m able to use my new eye to hit targets more easily.

Everything seems fine until he shows up.

“What in the Alchemy did you do to my devourer? Ah, I’ll just have to put you in confinement again…”

Thorns.

“And now that you’re in here, we’re going to do something a little different this time.”

He’s smiling. Not this again.

Why is he taking off his pants?

Why is he taking off my pants?

I’d tried so hard not to think about it for weeks, but he’d reconstructed the entire area that… he’s trying to force his way into right now. He’s hit a sensor inside that… cavity he carved out of me - why -

No. Can’t think. Can’t move. No, no, no…

---

Season of the Colossus 1326

16 - S becoming increasingly skilled with her bow. I don’t have to push her to train at this point. Goal of living weapon achieved; now to keep her loyal, and prevent her from making her little inventions.

It took weeks, but I’m finally enjoying training again. This time, I know what to do with it. 

He’ll pay for everything.

I’m still practicing on his pets. Today, I twisted together a real fighting staff out of devourer shells. Little does he know that his biggest pet is the deadliest of all.

---

23 - S is becoming hostile. I fear I may be in danger. 

“S. You’ve been… angrier lately.”  

“That’s not my name, and you know exactly what you did to make me mad.”

“You don’t need to be testy about it, dear.”

He traps me in a lab, sticks tech all over me, does Pale-Tree-knows-what-else to me, and expects me to be his perfect little plaything. But of course I’m not going to tell him that, or else he’ll put me in that cage again.

No more waiting.

He dies tonight.

---

24 - Wee hours. Why is S awa--

[The page has been sprayed with blood.]

[bullishway-blog]

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[ambiengrey]

Loitering Ch 5

Read the summary: summary.

<-previous

the need to know

“I think I’ll be a clown when I get grown,” said Dill.

Jem and I stopped in our tracks.

“Yes sir, a clown,” he said. “There ain’t one thing in this world I can do about folks except laugh, so I’m gonna join the circus and laugh my head off.”

“You got it backwards, Dill,” said Jem. “Clowns are sad, it’s folks that laugh at them.”

“Well I’m gonna be a new kind of clown. I’m gonna stand in the middle of the ring and laugh at the folks.”

― Harper Lee, To Kill a Mockingbird

Alfred checked in just as Dick had finally gotten Tim settled down.

Following finding the boy relieving his stomach of his most recent meal in the toilet bowl ten minutes before, Tim had mumbled apologies and pleaded to be forgiven for things Dick couldn’t make out and finally didn’t care to. Tim had been a stuttering, trembling mess, and it hadn’t been the first time either.

Over the course of the past several weeks he’d – finally – been home, Tim’s manner had alternated between never speaking, to shouting everything at the top of his lungs, to mumbling, to stuttering, to signing, to scribbling everything down – on papers, and walls, and his own hands if not someone else’s unexpectedly – each bout of speech or not-speech always turning into an uncontrollable fit of giggles.

Shoulders shaking, fingers twitching, eyes wide giggles that spew forth in bursts of eerie elation from the pit of his belly, like he meant it.

Dick would have been glad seeing his brother crack a smile, laugh as if he were happy, but that wasn’t what it was – it was a warped, ill-placed grin and a creepy cackle that had nothing to do with happiness at all.

Returning to the manor, Tim had been quiet the first few days, and Dick, Cass, Bruce and Alfred hadn’t pushed him into explaining anything. They’d run tests, they’d cleaned Tim up – from the lavish purple suit and green tie to the hair dye and the make-up, until finally Dick could see his little brother underneath it all again.

Tim had allowed it, and had gone silently through the tests and the check-ups – never a word and never an expression. Until, a few days in, when, tucking Tim in for the night, Dick had run his mouth a little, mentioning Jason and his inexplicable disappearance about a month after Tim’s and how they still hadn’t been able to find him, either.

It started as a slow twitch at the corner of Tim’s mouth, cutting Dick off mid-sentence, wondering what was wrong, and then Tim’s expression blossomed into a – happy, Dick had thought at first – grin – but he soon realized it didn’t meet the boy’s eyes. Then Tim had giggled, and looked at Dick, and looked, and looked, and giggled as if Jason, missing, was the funniest thing Tim had ever heard.

Dick must have been staring – gaping – for five whole minutes before he grabbed Tim by the shoulders to plead, “Stop, Timmy—”

It had sounded too much like…well, it sounded wrong, and not like Tim at all.

Tim had cut off abruptly, tears jumping to his eyes all at once, and then his giggles had started up again after the momentary pause, littered with sobs and yelps and screams, and crying and crying—

Dick had sat holding him all night, and it was hours before he’d quieted down, and hours more before he finally fell asleep – only, not before he spoke for the first time in days (if not weeks; who really knew), “I killed him.”

Voice so hoarse and broken, Dick still wasn’t sure he’d heard him right, but…he didn’t know what else it could have been. Dick wasn’t sure how long Tim had slept, but, when he woke with an almighty start just as his parents’ bodies hit the hard circus ring with a loud thump he could hear even in his dream, Tim was awake – and staring at him.

He started talking after that. Quietly at first. So much so Dick sometimes wasn’t sure Tim was talking to him until the boy was tugging at his sleeve and repeating himself impatiently. It escalated from there. Ended in giggles, and morphed into sobs so gut-wrenching and stomach-turning just to listen to, if Dick didn’t know any better he would have sworn Tim was being tortured right in front of his eyes.

Or, as they discovered at last, just reliving the last couple months in The Joker’s hands.

Tim’s tests had come back, listing chemicals and substances in his system half of which Dick wasn’t sure was safe to mix together, and the other half he wasn’t sure he’d ever even heard of before. The only thing that seemed remotely familiar, was a different mix of Joker Venom – non-lethal, it seemed, but potent nonetheless.

The very first time Tim had been taken in by the giggles and the crying was still at Joker’s lab, right after the clown had stopped laughing himself – was dead – and, realizing it was most likely triggered by the Venom, Batman had administered the usual antidote. However, there was no point in continuing that line of treatment – Joker’s new mix of chemicals seemed to be half-made of Batman’s antidote and it could only do more harm than good now.

Whatever Joker did hadn’t been like shooting up a drug, either, but rather planting an infection. Tim was sick. And Joker’s virus was evolving and growing and seemed to be eating Tim up from the inside, and they needed something to fight it with, to destroy it with.

To, apparently successfully, be able to create such a thing – who knew The Joker had been such a…genius?

Sharing this information with Tim – discreetly, of course, the cliff notes of what was necessary, since they needed more blood and tests and figuring out a new antidote, and Tim had turned prickly and wary unless he knew more or less exactly what they were doing – the boy had slipped off into staring at nothing as he so often did, and finally just started talking right over Dick, answering questions they hadn’t had the heart to start asking yet.

Dick had stopped in his ministrations, and Alfred, several feet away had paused to listen as well, both of them gone sickly pale the longer Tim spoke – until Dick at last couldn’t take any more.

He’d wrapped his arms around Tim and pressed the boy’s cheek against his shoulder, begging him to stop talking, but he only continued, voice muffled against Dick’s shirt, until Alfred discreetly slipped him a safe sedative and Tim eventually nodded off. Dick had never been more grateful. Or more disturbed.

They had since only recently come up with potential medication that could delay the development of the disease, but Tim was due for another testing. Bruce was confident, though. In a bout of coherence one afternoon, Tim had found Bruce down in the cave, tired and irritable but determined in his work, and had made several suggestions that Bruce later told Dick had still been as smart as ever, nudging him in the direction he’d been looking for but couldn’t find.

Tim would be alright, Bruce had kept repeating – at regular intervals and whenever he caught sight of Dick, to the point Dick didn’t know if he was the one being reassured anymore, or if Bruce was talking to himself. He at last stopped after Tim finally heard his reassurances as well, and the boy’s mumbling became shouting, and manic laughing, as he accused Bruce of hating him, and wishing that he wouldn’t be alright, because how could he after what Tim had done and Tim knew Bruce really only wanted him gone, or dead, and he should just leave and Bruce would be better off without him—

It had taken them several hours to calm the boy down and convince him none of it was true, but Tim wouldn’t listen until after he’d slept, too cried out to do anything else. He’d nodded, forlornly, and promised Dick he believed him that Bruce loved him and would never abandon him or want him gone. But then Tim had gone back to staring and grinning at nothing for hours on end and Dick wasn’t certain he believed Tim had meant any of it.

He hadn’t followed through on his challenge to leave yet, though, and Dick was taking it as a win.

Tim had mild to severe breakdowns like that at irregular intervals, and the strangest or most mundane things could set him off sometimes. Jason’s name especially had triggered an episode of particularly destructive magnitude, and they’d elected to stop discussing Jason’s state of absence after Tim burst out laughing and started throwing medical supplies around when Dick voiced his concern for their still-missing brother one evening after patrol. He was undeterred in his laughter even as Dick tried to grab at and calm him down somehow.

Tim had ended with the hair-raisingly joyful – satisfied – exclamation of “He killed him!” Dick was prepared to swear to it having been “he” not “I,” no matter how many skeptic and concerned looks Bruce gave him on the topic.

It may have been the disbelief and concern on Dick’s face that had Tim stop and quiet abruptly at the end of that sentence, before the kid slapped both hands over his mouth, blue eyes wide and tear-filled as he took to muttering, “I didn’t mean that, that was awful, that’s not funny; why would I laugh? That’s not—Jason, sorry, sorry, sorry—”

Dick had scooped him up and held him all night.

Because Tim was still as sneaky as ever, they found him a couple nights in a row, eavesdropping on their conversations in the cave or outside Bruce’s bedroom door, but he seemed to have somehow forced himself out of having another reaction to Jason’s name after the last time. Dick didn’t mention him unless it was absolutely necessary though, just to be safe.

Tim’s grin, and the laughter, had been too much to take, especially without the accompanying Joker-esque ensemble of purple suit and make-up, leaving no delusions of it being Tim laughing like a – like that – maniac. Dick didn’t want to witness an episode of that degree a second time.

The smaller ones, he’d learned, could stay small or be cut off completely if he calmed Tim down in time and stopped him from giggling too much soon enough. Tim gave him opportunity enough to practice several times a day, and Cassandra, able to read Tim’s actions before the kid himself even had a clue, would call Dick, or warn him, or wrap Tim up in her arms and hum to him herself if no one else was close enough. He seemed to like that more often than not and Dick, with patrolling, and helping Bruce with antidotes and research and cases, often handed Timmy over to Cass for cuddles and reducing fits.

Hysterical, episodic giggling they were almost getting the hang of so far aside, the thing that just plain upset Tim the most was eating.

Since Joker had apparently been starving him for the most part, continually silent-Tim hadn’t wanted to eat anything the first few days of his return, and he’d stubbornly refused. Dick made sure he practically drank his weight in water, though, and had eventually, at last, coaxed him into eating small things at regular intervals.

It was a work in progress though; Tim’s body reacting differently to things he’d previously had no problem with, and whenever one thing or another had him rushing to the bathroom, it was not unusual for him to revert back to silence, or the muttering-stuttering Tim of the first few days – and the eventual giggles if Dick didn’t get to him in time. Once he’d calmed down, Tim was angry at himself mostly, for wasting food and being a nuisance, and his uncontrollable and inappropriate fits, and he’d scowl no matter how Dick tried to placate and reassure him.

Dick could see the look intensify on Tim’s face now, from the corner of his eye, when Alfred stepped in with a silver tray, laden with food and drink and pills – once bright blue eyes seemed dark grey suddenly and his nose scrunched up, thin lips twisting distastefully.

“Master Bruce’s dinner,” Alfred said mildly and in no way suggestive of actually having seen the boy’s face, as he half-lifted the tray in gesture. “Rather early, but…well.”

Dick nodded a little, understanding, and rubbed circles across Timmy’s back where he sat next to him on the bed, Tim with his knees pulled up and his arms around his legs, toes idly curling, clasping at the covers.

“However, some water for you, Master Tim?”

Tim’s eyes narrowed, “What’s in it?” he asked quietly, no absence of accusation in his tone.

Dick gave Alfred an apologetic look, though the butler hardly seemed fazed – and why would he be? He was Alfred after all. The old man was well acquainted with all of their moods and their quirks, even if they didn’t think he’d been there for all of them, and even when they tried not displaying some in his presence. Dick had always thought, when he was younger, that it must be a butler-thing, but as he’d gotten older he came to realize it was much more of a (grand)father-thing. They were as much his charges – his family – as Bruce had always been.

“Nothing but good old H2O, sir,” Alfred replied patiently – that may have been more of a butler-thing, though, Dick mused.

Tim snorted grumpily, and Dick shook his head, smiling as he got up, “Come on, Timmy, you need your fluids.”

“Then you drink it first,” Tim mumbled, and Dick shrugged as he relieved Alfred’s tray of the extra glass.

Bruce was a workaholic on the best of days, but especially on the worst, with little to no real regard for his health when he had no more than the common cold, even, and especially not when he was in the midst of a case with too much work to be done to worry about anything else.

Dick and Cass had begun dividing their time between Tim and Bruce – Cass a much better Batman-esque stand-in and just as feared besides, and Dick much better suited to working in the lab on antidotes and medicine and figuring stuff out.

But when that was no longer…well, needed, except for Tim, Dick didn’t know what he was going to do – don the cape and cowl again? Part of him wanted to even less than the last time.

Sometimes he caught himself staring at the Batsuit – Bruce’s at first, before he’d finally taken out the one tailored for him to stare at that instead. Grimacing.

Cass had found him once, in passing, and, without even a pause she’d whispered, “I’ll wear it,” at his back and was gone when he turned around.

He found it eerie how well-suited she was for the role, even as she lacked certain pertinent abilities – reading, mostly, though it was getting better. Talking came more fluidly nowadays, even if she did still speak slowly. But then, Batman only needed a few words to get a job done and Cass’s slow, quiet way was more threatening than anything Dick could ever come up with.

But if Cass donned the suit all of Gotham would know the difference and react accordingly – which would still be chaos no matter how dangerous a Bat she was.

Gotham needed a Batman. Needed The Batman, which was why Bruce still insisted on being out there at least four or five days out of seven, but he also insisted on trying to do everything himself regardless of anything. Dick and Alfred had started lacing his food with mild, harmless sleeping medication.

Bruce knew, of course, there was no way he couldn’t, but Dick suspected he was more grateful than anything else. Sleep was slow in coming otherwise, if at all, and he looked more exhausted by the day. The least they could do was make sure he was well-rested for patrols – or, that he missed one every once in a while.

Bruce hadn’t raised his voice about the latter again after he was too hoarse to manage another word the first time, for one thing, and had sent an eavesdropping Tim into hysterics at the noise, for another.

Tim’s suspicion wasn’t unfounded, thus – the boy knew he wasn’t sleeping, either. Each of them had come across him in the middle of the night, grinning at a closed window with no recollection of how long he’d been sitting there or what he’d been thinking of or when he’d climbed out of bed.

So Dick gave Alfred a look just to be sure, and then turned to take a hearty sip so Tim could see. He grinned at the younger boy, who frowned and looked cowed and sorry.

“You don’t have to drink it right now,” Dick said, and placed the glass on Tim’s nightstand before reclaiming his seat on the bed, arm round Tim’s shoulders.

“Thanks, Alfred…” Tim had mumbled, eyes on the floor, and Alfred nodded cordially in reply.

“Indeed, sir,” face expressionless for all but a very briefly satisfied look. That was a butler-thing, too. The grandfather in Alfred was about as stressed-out as the rest of them – shoving cutlery back into cupboards and closing doors too loudly, scowling into space as he dried the dishes and kneading at his temples as he let his tea grow cold in the dead of night, having made it too hot in the first place.

“Master Dick…?” Alfred started up again and Dick raised his eyebrows in anticipation, Tim staring off again, leaning into his side. “A word, sir?” Alfred intoned quietly and Dick nodded, the old man stepping back into the hall as Dick turned to his little brother.

“I have to talk to Alfie, Tim,” he said as he stood, snapping Tim from his reverie to eye his eldest brother as Dick gently coaxed him into lying down. “Rest a little, just give me a sec.”

But Tim had drifted off again already, his blue eyes slipping to look at nothing, blank and far away.

Dick frowned as he wandered away, leaned against the doorframe as he faced Alfred, “Yup?”

Alfred’s voice was quiet, plainly for Tim’s benefit, and when he started Dick could see why, “Master Jason has taken up a familiar pastime.”

“He’s here?” Dick said urgently, only a little too loud but unable to stop himself. He hadn’t seen Jason in months. Hadn’t heard anything since the once-Robin had phoned the manor weeks ago and wasn’t sure he wasn’t in some kind of trouble after all. Dick glanced back, to see Tim had scooted across the bed to the nightstand and was holding his glass of water firmly in both hands, chewing at his bottom lip and frowning. Dick dropped his voice, “How’s he look – he okay?”

Alfred nodded, “Seems to be, sir, I only caught him from a distance, still approaching the gate, to be honest. I know you’ve been anxious to see him.”

“Yeah,” Dick nodded.

“Then I shall see to Master Bruce,” Alfred hefted the tray in indication, “And return the girls home forthwith. Try not to linger outside, sir; it’s chilly.”

“Of course, Alfred,” Dick agreed with a small smile, though with Jason one could never really predict these things.

“I’m certain I don’t need to ask you to check that Master Bruce has eaten – and not fed his food to the dog,” Alfred added and Dick’s smile lingered between amused and bitter understanding. He nodded again. “And Miss Cassandra meant to read to Master Tim,” Alfred half-glanced down the hall, in the direction of the stairs as if Cass was just now due to come bounding up the steps, book in hand. She didn’t.

“I got it, Alfie. Thank you,” he added, and meant it sincerely. “We’ll be alright, don’t worry.”

“Very well, sir,” Alfred said in a less rare tone of fondness and Dick smiled as he watched the old man make his way down the hall to Bruce’s room.

He sighed, then, though – eager as he was to see Jason, he didn’t really want to leave Tim by himself, waiting for Cassandra.

Deciding he’d give her another couple minutes then – she was probably scouring bookcases for something simple to read amongst Bruce’s collection of complex stories and Alfred really should’ve just picked something out for her, but never mind – Dick turned back to the room, only to halt in his tracks when he suddenly came face to face with Tim.

“Tim?” Dick asked, worried at once, which seemed to have become his default setting. “You alright?”

The boy was looking up at Dick with thin, firmly pressed lips and squinted eyes, wringing his hands.

He gulped in a big breath, and let it out even as he spoke, “You should go see—Jason,” he finished in a whisper.

“Um.” Dick blinked. “Uh, well, I will, Timmy,” and he touched a hand to Tim’s shoulder, guiding him around and back into the room. “But I don’t have to right now. We can still hang out a little,” he smiled, settling back onto his spot on the bed, surreptitiously giving Tim’s nightstand a glance – the glass of water had been returned to its perch, not a drop missing.

Tim stayed standing, though, watching Dick with a frown that was just so very Tim, it made his heart swell for a moment with fond familiarity. But then, Tim seemed to be considering Dick like a complex puzzle in need of intense scrutiny and plenty of time to solve; only he didn’t have the ability to produce either – a too-firm set to his jaw pointing at grit teeth and a twitch to his brow spoke of aggravated impatience. Tim’s raised hands bopped against each other, joints clicking.

“But you want to,” he said, resolute, but…resigned, and Tim’s eyes, downcast, darted this way and that nervously, glanced up at a corner and back. He did that sometimes, mostly when he thought no one was looking – considered corners as if something could be lurking in the shadows there. “So you should.”

Tim’s bumping joints missed and he jumped, hitting his fingers with his fist.

“Timmy—” Dick reached for his hand, but the boy pulled back, crossing his arms tight over his chest, fingers digging into his sides.

“’m fine…” shoulders hunched, he shrunk into himself a little more, eyes quickly scanning corners again before his gaze settled on Dick. “Here.”

It was an odd look for the almost eighteen year old, to seem so childlike and fragile. Timmy had always been smaller than them, but never really looked it, and certainly not like this.

Dick regarded his little brother a moment, unsure of what to say. Sometimes, Tim would wander off without a word – as at night when he settled in front of windows for no reason – and they’d find him in a deserted hall later, mumbling to himself (or the shadows on the walls, Dick tried hard not to think), but perfectly content on his own. And on other occasions he trailed after Dick or Alfred, or sat watching Cass pace as she read, or stared at Bruce in his study or while he slept, determined not to be alone.

At present, Tim looked dubious, and he felt it too, not wanting to keep Dick from his other brother, but not wanting the man to leave him either. Jason…Jason didn’t want anything to do with their family. He couldn’t care less, what was he even doing here? Tim didn’t want Dick to leave him to go to Jason, but…but Dick was so…he’d been worried. He missed Jason. Tim didn’t know. Didn’t know what to do – could he…? Could he be alone with the…? With…?

“Hey,” Dick cajoled, crossing the gap between them with his fingers spread, after all, grabbing onto Tim at the elbow and gently tugging him closer. “Jay’s not going anywhere yet,” he said, hoping it was true. If he was lucky, Babs and Steph, who’d been on their way to wait for Alfred by the car, had kept him lingering with lengthy conversation, and Cass was already on her way up with her book. “We can sit some more,” Dick touched at Tim’s other elbow with his free hand; barely touching really, not wanting Tim to feel trapped, but not wanting him to feel far away and alone either.

“But…” Tim mumbled, undeterred. “You want to, and I. I-I just…I want you t—to…to be,” Tim blinked back and forth between Dick’s face and a shadowy corner, his cheeks going pink. “H-happy, I know—”

“Timmy, I’m not unhappy—” Dick said at once, gripping his little brother only a little tighter in assurance.

“Know I’m not,” Tim cut in, determined for Dick to hear, his voice a little stronger. “Not…” he shook his head, as if to rethink and –order his words. “You have. Patrol. And there’s…there’s Bruce. And now. Jason,” he whispered the name, barely audible. “And I’m—I’m no help like this, and—”

“You don’t need to be,” Dick clutched at Tim’s forearms. “You’re always the one with the plans, and ideas, and—and helping others – but now it’s our turn, Timmy. Let us—”

But Tim was already vigorously shaking his head, dark bangs flicking this way and that. “But you need me, for this, and I can’t,” he ducked his head. “Can’t think. And you’re stuck with me, and I should just—and I know it’s no…no f—”

“Tim—”

“Fun!” Tim spat, and hiccupped, a high-pitch giggle breaking free from his throat and Tim had his hands slapped over his mouth next second, eyes wide and fearful.

“It’s okay, it’s okay,” Dick chanted, rubbing at the younger boy’s arms and scooting a little closer in his seat, half-attempting to pull Tim into a hug, but, shoulders stiff and feet firmly planted Tim wasn’t having it and Dick didn’t push.

“I didn’t mean to do that,” Tim breathed through his trembling fingers.

“Yeah, Timmy, I know,” Dick said quietly, giving Tim a small smile, “I know. But it’s fine. It’s fine, I…um, I – I like it when you laugh.”

Tim dropped his hands, giving Dick a dry, very Tim look that, if Dick didn’t know any better, he’d have sworn everything else had just been an act.

“That was not a laugh, Dick,” Tim said scornfully, and refolded his arms, eyes on the carpet. He mumbled something Dick thought sounded like, “That wasn’t even me.”

He elected to ignore it – for now – and made to say something else when Tim cut in, “You should go,” he said simply, and graced Dick’s shoulder with a firm poke.

Dick chuckled, “Hey,” and caught Tim’s hand and smiled at him.

Tim didn’t return it. “Jay…Jason, would…want to see you, too.”

“Yeah,” Dick agreed, keeping his skeptisism to himself, but then another notion came to mind, “You know, actually. I think he probably wants to see you, rather. He probably came to make sure you’re alright – Timmy, that’s not so farfetched—”

Tim was slowly shaking his head again, “I’m just the replacement, Dick,” he said solemnly, “His replacement as Robin—”

“Tim—”

“And now,” Tim giggled, high-pitched and quick, and he didn’t try to muffle himself this time. “His replacement as…as The Joker—”

“No,” Dick all but snapped, on his feet at once, hands firm on Tim’s shoulders. “You are not that. You will never be that. You are Timothy Drake-Wayne. You are Red Robin. You are my little brother – you have nothing to do with that clown. Ever. The Joker is dead – leave him be.”

Tim blinked. “…Okay.”

Dick frowned, but sighed, “Okay.”

A beat passed, and Dick considered how to phrase an apology for snapping like that when Tim shuffled close enough to drop his forehead on Dick’s shoulder. “Don’t leave…”

“Hey, it’s okay,” Dick rubbed at his shoulders, and arms. “You can…you can come down with me – we can see Jason together—”

“No. Don’t want to see him,” Tim shook his head again. “Can’t – just...don’t leave me, Dick—”

“I’m not, little brother – I’m coming right back, but I need to know that Jason’s alright. He’s,” Dick leaned back far enough to tilt up Tim’s head and meet his eyes. “He’s my little brother, too. Just like he’s your big brother, too, right? …If it were me, you’d want to go out and see me, right…? Just see that I’m okay?”

Somewhere inside that felt like a low, cruel trick, but Dick couldn’t help it – he had to see Jason with his own eyes, but he couldn’t force Tim along and he couldn’t find it in his heart to just leave the boy in his room when he wanted Dick to stay, without a proper explanation or Tim understanding why.

Tim nodded at last, “Just…can you not leave me alone, in here…? Please,” he asked, tentative and quiet, and Dick’s heart clenched – something was wrong here. Too many things were wrong here. Tim hadn’t been this careful and quiet since before he’d become Robin, and even then not nearly this often. He’d always been brave and unashamed to speak or ask for what he needed – or take it sometimes – if it was the most logical thing to do.

He’d never been particularly reluctant to admit his fears, either, though Dick had always thought he’d been selective about which ones to reveal, when, and how he phrased that admittance, but – the way he went about it now…was entirely unlike him.

“Of course not,” Dick said, and threw his arm loosely around Tim’s shoulders, pulling him along toward the door. “Let’s find Cass. She can sit with you while I talk to Jason, okay?”

Tim looked unenthused, but nodded and followed nonetheless.

Coming down the stairs into the foyer with Tim, Alfred paused in the action of opening the front door to turn half-toward them, “Miss Cassandra has ventured outside, sir,” the butler said, saving them from having to scour the studies looking for her. “Do put on a coat, Master Dick.”

Dick nodded dutifully and waited for Alfred to step outside before turning to Tim. “I won’t be long, Timmy,” he promised, “And I’ll send Cass in right when I see her.”

Tim scowled at him, “I’m not a baby, Dick,” he grumbled, and glared at the floor, at the doorway down the hall toward the kitchen behind them, at the empty space beneath the stairs.

“I know, little brother,” Dick replied, and ruffled Tim’s hair, leaving the younger boy to duck and throw up his hands, trying to save his do. Dick chuckled at the sight, and laughed with more gusto when Tim retaliated with a half-hearted jab at Dick’s shoulder, smiling.

For a moment there wasn’t anything wrong – in the entire world – and then Tim laughed, happily, like he used to, and Dick’s grin was wider, only to slip from his face at once when Tim’s laugh was followed by a loud, obnoxious giggle, breaking the spell.

Eyes shut tight, like he was holding back tears, his nose scrunched up, lips no doubt twisted behind the immediate cover of his hands again, and Dick felt a pang of sympathy and dread.

“I’m sorry,” Tim whispered, glancing up at Dick.

“Don’t worry about it, Tim, don’t even think about it, you did nothing wrong,” Dick assured, but Tim stepped back as he reached out to him.

“Go,” the boy said, still from behind his hands, head bowed.

“Timmy—”

“Now!” Tim snapped, “Just—go on, t-talk to…” he trailed off, ducking his head more.

Dick hesitated, torn, “Are you…sure, Timmy?”

Tim nodded, and made a noise like an annoyed growl. Dick blinked and took a breath.

“Okay…” he sighed, and, glancing back right until the last second, he stepped outside.

Jason was just off the porch, a few paces on, Cassandra at his side and Alfred with them, the old man speaking. Dick caught the tail-end of what Alfred was saying before he started making his way to the car parked off to the side – Stephanie and Babs already waiting—

“Do step inside, sir. Before you catch a cold. For all that winter is on the rise still, the chill is hardly bearable.”

“You’re more than welcome, you know…” Dick tacked on, because Jason had to hear that.

Cass had said Jason had thought of the manor as home the first time he’d wandered aimlessly through the gates and settled unmoving on their porch for an hour, apparently realizing it wasn’t. Only, now especially, Dick wanted it to be. Wanted to convince Jason it was. Even if Tim didn’t want to see him right now, and Bruce was another issue all his own, Jason still belonged to this family, and now, especially, needed to be here.

Jason, who’d had his eyes on the ground the entire time, looked up abruptly, not having noticed Dick.

He did look…well, Dick thought. As if he’d gotten too little sleep, but that was par for the course in their line of work. Other than that, Dick couldn’t make out any obvious signs of hurt or injury.

Nearly scowling as he held eyes with Dick for a moment, Jason didn’t say or do anything for a beat, before he shoved the book he was holding at Cass, turning to march off in practically the same motion.

“Wait,” Dick called, bounding down the last steps. “Where are you going?”

Cassandra caught Dick’s eye, nodded like she understood something he hadn’t said.

“Something I got to do,” Jason answered, half-dismissively, though he sounded strained.

“The Joker,” Cass input, not quietly enough for Jason not to hear, and at once Jay was increasing his pace.

Dick knew what Cass meant, knew what Jason intended – the ever-looming revenge for everything the Joker had ever done to them, but apparently no one had told Jason.

Cass was trotting back into the house with a mumble about Tim, which Dick was thankful for, because – he had another little brother to take care of at the moment.

Resolving himself not to beat about the bush, for Jason’s sake as much as anything else, he took another few steps in Jason’s wake, quick and precise as he spoke, loud and clear, “Joker’s dead, Jason.”

next->

[janisthaafertilityivf]

Female Fertility & Pregnancy – Female Fertility Treatments in Basaveshwara Nagar

Ovulation Treatment in Bangalore

When you have tried to conceive or get pregnant continuously for a period of 12 months and have not experienced success, it might be due to infertility.

We, at Janisthaa, believe in helping our clients by empowering with the right information.

Read below to understand more about Female fertility, causes of female fertility problems, the diagnostic methods and the treatments available at our centre.

                     What is female fertility?

Female Fertility refers to a woman’s ability to conceive a biological child.  Most often, fertility is related to age. A female’s fertile years are considered to be between the ages of her menarche to 40’s. The ability to conceive or have live births is affected post this period and reduces drastically.

What causes Female Fertility Problems?

PCOS/ PCOD: is a hormonal condition in which the ovaries produce more than normal levels of male hormones called as androgens. This affects the menstrual cycle, ability to conceive or have difficulties during pregnancy.

Tubal Disease: In Tubal disease, the fallopian tubes that lead the eggs to travel to the uterus is blocked or damaged. Thus, the subsequent embryo is also prevented from reaching the uterus where it has to be planted. It can lead to Ectopic pregnancy or pregnancy outside of uterus

Endometriosis: is a condition where the tissue that is supposed to be the lining of the uterus grows outside of the uterus in the pelvic cavity (ovaries, fallopian tubes). This causes obstruction of the tubes or form cysts that prevent conception from taking place

Management of Borderline Ovarian Failure: Borderline Ovarian Failure refers to borderline tumors of the ovary that have low-malignant potential. Treatment of this involves removal of ovaries, fallopian tubes and the womb, including the cervix

Ovarian failure: is essentially the stopping of menstrual periods due to increased levels of FSH (Follical Stimulating Hormones) and decreased levels of Estrogen before the age of 40.

Thin Endometrium : Thin uterine lining that preventing the implantation of the embryo along its lining. Thin uterine lining is usually as a result of low level of estrogen, damaged endometrial lining, decreased blood flow, fibroids and infection of the endometrial cells

Repeated miscarriages : also known as recurrent miscarriages, it is defined as two or more consecutive, spontaneous loss of pregnancy or miscarriages. Causes include genetic defect, abnormally shaped uterus, uterine fibroids, and scar tissue in the uterus that may hinder implantation or growth of the fetus. Hormonal imbalances and illnesses or immune system abnormalities can also cause frequent miscarriages

Fibroid uterus: are basically benign tumors that originate in the uterus, and are thicker than the normal muscle fibres found in the uterine lining. They are known to cause complications during pregnancy such as first trimester bleeding, breech presentation, placental abruption and problems during labour.

Ovarian Cysts: are sacs or pockets that are solid or filled with fluid, which are found within or on the surface of the ovary. Polycystic Ovary Syndrome or clusters of cysts cause infertility.

There are several methods through which fertility and issues related to fertility could be diagnosed.  Series of medical tests and examinations help evaluate primary fertility factors such as age, physical health, fertility health such as ovarian function and egg quality, uterine and fallopian tube anatomy etc. These could be invasive and non-invasive

How is fertility diagnosed?

Physical examination: : involves check of patient’s Body Mass Index (BMI), fat distribution and abdominal obesity etc. This is often included along with history taking and helps in deciding the diagnosis evaluation to be carried out. Physical examination helps discover scars of previous surgeries, tenderness, speculum examination, inspection of cervix etc.

Ultrasound: Ultrasound scans that are done transvaginally (via the vagina) are specialized equipments used for fertility testing. They are painless and provide information on the internal health of the reproductive system (health of the ovaries, endometrium lining, fallopian tubes and the uterus). They are also used during the fertility treatment to test follicle development in the ovaries, thickness of the endometrium lining etc.

Hormonal profile: a lot of important hormones are involved in controlling and supporting reproduction. The profile testing helps in evaluating the levels of hormones such as FSH, LH, Prolactin, Oestradiol through sample collection

Fertility profile: Fertility Profile is yet another battery of lab tests that are conducted to check the hormonal imbalances. The tests included are Thyroid Panel II (T4, T3 and TSH), Thyroid Peroxidase Antibody(TPO) Thyroid Blood Test, Progesterone Ovarian Function Blood Test, Testosterone Hormone Test, DHEA-S Hormone Blood Test, FSH, LH and Estradiol Hormone Blood Test examinations help evaluate primary fertility factors such as age, physical health, fertility health such as ovarian function and egg quality, uterine and fallopian tube anatomy etc. These could be invasive and non-invasive

HSG /SSG: Hysterosalpingography or HSG is an X-ray test to check the health of the internal reproductive organs such as the shape of the uterus, fallopian tubes (to detect bloackages) etc. It is carried out with the help of fluoroscopy,that follows the direction of the dye. Sonosalpinggography or SSG, also known as the Sion test is primarily used for evaluating patency of fallopian tubes. It is carried out in combination with an Ultrasound as saline is injected into the uterine cavity.

Laparoscopy : performed under general anesthesia, it is an invasive procedure where one to three very small cuts are made in the abdomen, through which laparoscope and other specialized surgical instruments are inserted to observe the abdominal organs

Hysteroscopy : Is a diagnostic procedure that allows the physician to look inside the uterus to diagnose abnormal bleeding and other problems with the uterus. It is also used in supplement to the HSG, Laparoscopy for confirmation of results.

What infertility treatments are available?

Listed below are the methods of treatment available for female infertility at our center.

Ovulation Induction

IUI

IVF

ICSI

PICSI

Laparoscopy

Hysteroscopy

[vintageneptune92]

Flicker, Fade- Sneak Peek

Hey kids! I’m in the midst of working on a Steve Rogers x Reader request. I wanted to put out a sneak peek. I’m trying to decide if I’m going to put it all into one story or do multi-parts...because you know...I need to be working on ANOTHER series. But you know how it goes!

This is a combo of two requests.  @justkending​ requested a Steve Rogers x Reader with prompts: “I warned you about him, yet again you didn’t listen.” and “It’s 6am- you’re not having vodka.  @asgardiangurll​ requested a Steve Rogers x Reader with with  prompts:”I’m never going to stop protecting you.”“You are seriously like a man child”

As always likes, comments and reblogs are SO APPRECIATED. Requests are open (Avengers, Supernatural, TVD/The Originals. I do dabble in some Green Arrow and The Flash (DC TV Only please). Prompt list can be found here.

Please let me know if you would like to be added to this tag list or one of my others.

Avengers Tag List: @shreddedparchment @fanfictionjunkie1112@this-is-mycrisis​ @geeksareunique​

Avengers Masterlist

Fate is a funny thing. Your mother always used to tell you that everything happened for a reason. The idea that going through difficult times to prepare you for what was to come or to lead you to something better kept you going, even in your darkest of times. 

You grew up in New England with your mother, father and baby sister Ella. She had been the best surprise of your lives. You were 13 when your mother got pregnant. Everything happens for a reason and you were thrilled to have a sibling.

You were sassy and sarcastic just like your mother. You got your intelligence from your father and while things typically came easy to you; Your parents had made sure you were sufficiently challenged and worked incredibly hard. You had been granted the honor of Valedictorian your senior year in High School. As a graduation gift and an 18th birthday present, You, your parents and your sister took a trip to tour Europe. You had never been happier.l, you were one of those kids that would rather hang out with your parents than a bunch of friends. Spending time with Ella was the highlight of your day, every day. The day of your 18th birthday had been one of your happiest. You spent an incredible day at Brighton Beach building sand castles with Ella and enjoying the amusement park rides in the seaside resort town. Her laugh as you whipped around the tilt-a-whirl would be embedded in your soul for the rest of your days. Your dad had ridden with you on all of the roller coasters and rides deemed too scary by Ella. Your mom wasn’t much of a ride person, but damn did she love her carnival games. Once you were back in London, your life would be changed forever. One moment your father was driving the three of you down the street laughing about how strange it was to drive on the opposite side of the street and the next you were being T-Boned by another vehicle.

Your parents and sister had been killed on impact. You had barely survived. Someone had pulled you from the wreckage. You were rushed to the hospital and woke up 2 days later. Before you even opened your eyes you knew something was different. You were completely healed. No lasting injuries, no deficits except the gaping hole in your heart. The doctor there tried to calm your anxieties, telling you everything was fine and you were just lucky. Somehow you knew the doctor was lying to you about how you had been treated. That night you had gone into the bathroom to examine yourself and were shocked by what you saw. Your natural hair color had been transformed into a  liquid black that cascaded down your body. The most startling change was your eyes. Your once very normal eye color had been transformed into a shade of violet. 

You had been frantically studying your altered appearance when the little girl sharing your hospital room bad woken up crying after a nightmare. You had sat down on her bed to comfort her. That was when you knew someone in that hospital had done something to you. By simply placing your hand over her arm, the bruises she had from falling out of a tree healed. You had heard about enhanced humans, you had seen them on your TV. Someone had turned you into one. The doctors that healed you had no idea what they had created, they couldn’t have. They never would have let you leave. The fear of becoming a lab rat caused you to keep it to yourself and when they finally discharged you, you got back to the US as fast as you could. 

You had tried to dye your hair back to its normal state, but nothing would change the jet black that framed you. You took to wearing blue contacts to make your eyes appear a more normal color. You found out the doctor that treated, turned you into what you had become was looking for you. Once your family was returned home and buried you disappeared from everything you had known and loved about your home. You effectively erased Y/N Y/L/N from existence by faking your own death. People were led to believe you took your own life. After loosing everything you loved it wasn’t hard for people to believe. You had to leave everything about who you were behind.

Three years later, with a new identity, you were living in New York City working as a freelance journalist. You had changed your name to Camille Ballard and were trying to live a semblance of a normal life pretending you didn’t have any special abilities when a man opened fire on a huge crowd. You had grabbed a nearby child, held them close to you to protect them. Without evening trying, you formed a purple force field around the two of you, saving both of your lives. As soon as you realized what happened, you rushed home and packed as much of your belongings as fast as you could and planned on making a break for it. If that doctor saw footage of what you just did, he might figure out you were alive and come looking again. 

Luckily for you, Iron Man had been there to help with the situation and saw what you had done. Before you had the chance to catch a bus, he found you and was set on recruiting you for The Avengers.

“Mr. Stark...you’re mistaken. That wasn’t me. I’m nobody. I’m like a ghost.” You were desperate to convince him you weren’t who he thought you was. But he knew.

“Then why are you trying to bolt with almost everything you own? C’mon kid...you don’t have to live a life on the run. I can help you. You don’t HAVE to be a ghost.” He wouldn’t relent and he wouldn’t let you leave. 

Even though everything in your brain told you to run, your lonely heart was begging you to trust him, to let him in. He had saved the world more than once and here he was offering to save you. Your heart won and you broke down and told him your story. Tony Stark, with all of his bravado held you as you sobbed for your lost family, your identity and assuaged your fears of not knowing what had been done to you. 

“Cam...I can call you Cam right?” His kind smile put you at ease. He made quite a few promises to you. He offered you a home and a family of sorts. He promised that he would find out what had been done to you. He promised to give you a purpose. Just like you knew that doctor was lying to you the day your parents died, you knew you could trust Tony Stark. Your mother’s voice telling you everything happened for a reason echoed in your brain. You had been given a gift, it was your responsibility to use it to do something good in this world. It was the best way to honor your parents and sister.

Tony eased you into life at The Avengers compound. He insisted you see a trauma counselor to really deal with the loss of your family. You had protested at first, you didn’t want to open up those wounds. He brought you to meet Pepper. She was the one that convinced you to get the emotional help you needed. She told you about Tony’s PTSD and how it had affected both of them. She promised that she and Tony would be there for you as you dealt with all of the pain you had buried for years. You finally agreed.

Once you were settled, Tony and Bruce began running tests to see if they could figure out what had happened to you. Best they could tell, someone had injected you with a serum, they just couldn’t figure out exactly what it was. Clearly it had been experimental because neither of them had seen anything like your blood work before.  Bruce had been fascinated by your blood test results. Tony had been able to get his hands on old blood work from a well child visit when you were a kid to compare it to your blood today.

“Whatever they gave you changed your DNA entirely.” Bruce had been entirely fascinated until he saw the look on your face. “I’m sorry Camille. I know you feel like a science project.” Bruce knew all too well what it was like to be changed to your core. You realized that day you had made the right decision by coming to the compound. For the first time in years, you didn’t feel alone.

6 months after you had gotten there Tony had taken to calling you The Protector. You could heal yourself and others. Your fight or flight response produced the protective force field that would encompass you and anyone close to you. After a few months of work you could create them on demand. Your enhancements also made you as close to a human lie detector as someone could get. It took intense concentration to be able to tell if someone was trying to deceive you. Your new abilities made it so you couldn’t be hurt by anything physically or emotionally by anyone’s lies.

Once you had handle on what you could do, you needed to be able to fight, protective force fields weren’t enough. Offense was just as important as defense. Tony had paired you up with Bucky Barnes for your training. He and Bucky had gotten past their differences and Tony was in a mission to help put the Sergeant back together again. Tony was good at fixing people. You were Bucky’s first real assignment. Tony had a feeling that you would help James Barnes as much as he would help you.

Tony had been right. You kept a wall around yourself built with bricks of sarcasm, sass and witty comebacks.  Bucky recognized this immediately and sought to dismantle your carefully constructed barrier to block anyone from getting too close to you. One night he had pushed you past your limits and you had broken down. Once the floodgates opened you couldn’t shut them. Bucky was the only other person you confided your full story in. Like Tony, you knew your secrets were safe with him.

Bucky had experienced his fair share of loss. He had been experimented on without his permission. He understood, he could empathize. He used your training to help you work through your anger and grief. You excelled under his instruction. You were a hell of a hand to hand fighter and other than Bucky you had the best shot in the compound. Your aim and speed with a firearm was impeccable. Slowly, Bucky became your best friend.

After almost two years of hard work and training you had been officially made an Avenger and had been working mission after mission for almost 8 months straight. It felt great to be able to help so many people, including your teammates. But you needed a little break to recharge. You requested some time off and decided to let loose a little bit. You had spent the evening out with some of the SHEILD agents. You had become friends with a couple of the girls that were in the cadet training program.

“Cami, I warned you about him, yet again you didn’t listen. You never listen when it comes to guys.” Bucky was giving you the once over. 6AM and you had stumbled back into the compound. You had stayed with one of the girls to sober up a little bit and were hoping to sneak back in unnoticed but Bucky was up early to train with Steve.

“I know...I know. But he was so cute, I was hoping he’d try to be a gentleman.” You pulled a bottle of Tony’s expensive Vodka out of the cabinet Bucky raises his eyebrows. “Just trying to ease into the hangover.” He grinned and shook his head. As you poured a shot, the bane of your existence stormed into the kitchen. Steve Rogers looked your tight jeans, heels and fitted black T-Shirt and scoffed in judgment.

“There you are Camille, I’ve been trying to find you since last night. Are you just getting home?” You gave him a deadpanned look. “Is there a reason why Agent Harrington is out of field work for two weeks with a broken nose and two black eyes and a concussion?” He had his hand on his hip and he was glowering at you.

“Well Agent Handsy was given fair warning” Bucky leaned against the counter. Watching you and Steve verbally spar was his favorite show. You said you hated Steve and his self righteous attitude. Steve said you got under his skin and didn’t appreciate your mouth and sarcasm. It was really a poor way to veil your mutual attraction. He saw how your eyes would linger on Steve while training. He watched Steve’s eyes soften on you anytime he thought no one was looking.

“What do you mean?” Steve’s voice dropped lower. First he was ready to rip you a new one, but he didn’t like the idea of anyone putting unwelcome hands on you. He rolled his jaw wanting to give the agent a few injuries himself.

“He thought that buying me two drinks gave him permission to put his hands on my ass. I told him otherwise. He did it again and I told him if he didn’t keep his hands to himself I was going to break his face. He thought that was an invitation to try and dip his hand down the back of my pants. I saw that as an invitation to bash his face into the bar. Maybe he’ll listen to the next girl and keep his hands to himself. Maybe if he apologizes, and means it, I’ll heal his pretty boy face.” It was out of character for you to lay hands on someone like that, but you couldn’t help but think of him doing this to some other poor girl who couldn’t stop him. He needed to be taught a lesson.

“That’s my girl!” Bucky laughed. The douchebag had it coming  in his opinion. He was proud of you for sticking up for yourself.

Steve pinched the bridge of his nose. He couldn’t reprimand your for defending yourself . “I’ll have a talk with him.” You raised both of your eyebrows at Bucky in surprise. It didn’t matter what you did or the reasoning, Steve was usually pissed at you. He took the shot from in front of you and dumped it down the sink. Your jaw dropped and you glared at him.

“Hey!” You protested. It was Steve’s turn to roll his eyes.

“It’s 6am- you’re not having vodka.” You threw your hands up.

“What are you my dad? I’m on vacation.” You tried to reason, tone laced with sass, arms crossed in front of you. It was sometimes hard for Steve to believe you weren’t somehow related to Tony Stark.

“About that. I have a mission in South America and you need to come with me.” As much as your attitude pissed Steve off, you were a good teammate and excellent at what you did. You deserved some time to yourself, but he needed your skill set.

“What? No! C’mon! you promised me 7 full days off Freeze Pop.” Steve rolled his jaw at the nickname silently cursing Tony. His frustration with you was building up again. Why couldn’t you just do as you were asked, just once, without arguing.

“You speak Spanish fluently and I need a female agent with me.”

“So does Natasha. Last I checked she was also a female. Take her. I’m not really interested in pretending to be your significant other.” You knew the mission that he was referring to. The target was in vacation with his wife at some resort. The plan has been for a pair to pose as a couple on their honey moon to gain access to the resort and get closer and obtain as much intel as possible.

“It’s a recon mission. We only have one working appearance enhancer so I won’t be recognized. Nat is too recognizable. Plus you also have an uncanny ability to sense when someone is lying.”

“Natasha is an ex super spy. She would figure it out!” You knew you were fighting a loosing battle. Steve didn’t know why you really had asked for the time off, and you weren’t about to share your deepest secrets with him.

“Look, Nat is with Clint and his family for the weekend. I’m not asking her to come back.” Steve was fighting the urge to yell at you. He just wanted you to be compliant, just this one time. The idea of being close to you and alone with you had him unnerved.

“Of course. We wouldn’t want to ruin HER time off. This is bullshit!” Your voice dripped with sarcasm. You knew you were acting like a brat. You wouldn’t ask Natasha to come back. You were hoping to get him to push the mission back. Bucky’s head bounced back and forth between the two of you. He watched as Steve’s jaw clenched one more time and the little vein in his forehead pop. You were one of the few that brought this side of him out. He had infinite patience for anyone but you.

“ENOUGH!l He finally snapped. “Agent Romanoff has more than paid her dues! She’s been at it for years! I’m not going to drag her back from time with what she considers her family so you can go on a bender.” You took a few steps back and recoiled. Steve immediately regretted it. “Camille...”

“No it’s fine Captain. I get it. My need for a break is less important because what? I’ve been fighting with you for less time? I haven’t paid enough dues for you yet? Got it. Let me go get some sleep so I’ll be refreshed enough to serve you. Send me the itinerary so I’m ready when wheels go up. I’m a B-Team Avenger. No one knows who I am so for once in your eyes it makes me an asset.” You turned quicker not wanting him to see how upset you were. He wouldn’t understand why you were so upset. You thought it better he see you as a selfish brat than a broken woman.

“Cam...” Bucky’s voice trailed and you avoided his grasp. 

“It’s fine Buck.” You quickly retreated. You’d be damned if you let Steve have the satisfaction of making you cry. If he knew the real reason you were brought to tears he wouldn’t revel in it. To Steve Rogers you were young, bratty and had a problem with authority. You’d like to keep it that way. It protected you. 

Bucky gave Steve a dirty look and threw his hands up. “I didn’t mean it like that. I didn’t mean for it to come out like that.” Steve deflated. “She’s just so infuriating. It’s not like she can’t have her time off after we get back.” Your reaction didn’t sit right with Steve. You gave him a hard time, all the time, that was true. But you never argued about a mission. 

“You know...if you dealt with your feelings, you might be able to keep it together with her." Bucky shook his head and started retreating from the kitchen. Steve cared about you, anyone that knew you could see you were funny, smart, caring and willing to put yourself on the line for anyone else. But you were afraid of letting too many people get close to you. Bucky knew you were afraid to really care about someone and lose them like you did your family. He knew you felt something for Steve Rogers too. So you kept him at arms length with attitude that drove Steve up the wall. 

"Feelings? I have no feelings." Steve's face clouded with confusion. Bucky dramatically rolled his eyes. Apparently everyone was spending too much time with Tony. He turned and headed to follow you. “I thought we were training?” Steve called after Bucky.

"I'm going to check on Cami and make sure she's alright.” Bucky pauses for a moment. “There’s a reason why she gets under your skin. Ponder that.” Steve groaned as he watched Bucky retreating down the hallway.

[itsnirmal888]

New Post has been published on https://pickstofit.com/why-natural-wine-is-better-than-biodynamic-or-organic-wine/

Why Natural Wine Is Better Than Biodynamic or Organic Wine

Table of Contents[Hide][Show]

In the food world, the label “natural” is unregulated and can appear on products that contain traces of pesticides, antibiotics, or other additives. For a long time, I assumed the same was the case with wine and that for the most part, all wine was “natural.” Right?

Turns out I was more than just a little bit off!

I took a trip to Europe to visit natural wine producers at their vineyards (maybe my favorite research I’ve ever done!). The trip was a rapid education into the vast differences that set natural wine apart from other types. I thought I already knew quite a bit about wine, but I was completely blown away by what I didn’t know!

I wish I could take you to all the places I visited and show you the amazing attention to detail and work that goes into natural wines. That I could let you smell the humus in the soil and taste the fresh grapes. Show you the three generations of winemaking families all working together for months to make a wine they are so proud of.

Since I can’t, I’ll do my best to do it justice in words and show you in pictures.

Here’s what I learned:

What Is Natural Wine?

In short, natural wine is organic and biodynamic, but it is also so much more (or so much less, depending on how you look at it!). Not all organic and biodynamic wines are natural wines, so it’s important to understand the difference…

The natural wine movement is a small (and loosely organized) group of people who believe that the best wines are the ones that are manipulated the least.

In other words, truly natural wine has:

nothing sprayed in the vineyard (even water most of the time)

nothing added to the wine.

Natural wine is an unregulated term, so practices can vary from winemaker to winemaker. Just seeing the term “natural” used in wine marketing doesn’t guarantee these standards, especially in US-grown wines. I personally only buy wines that use stringent lab tests to ensure that all wines meet the “natural wine” criteria.

Natural Wine vs. Conventional Wines

Not all wines are natural… not even all organic wines. As I said, the term “natural” in wine-making denotes that nothing is added at any point in the process. So what might be used in other wines that don’t meet this standard?

Glad you asked (though you may not be after you read this list!):

Commercial yeasts: Often the natural yeasts present on the grapes are killed off and a commercial yeast is used instead. Even organic wines can use commercial yeasts, and some commercial yeasts can contain GMO ingredients.

Dyes: Ever think there might be dye in your wine? Dyes like Mega Purple are often added to wine to give it a bolder color. If your wine dyes your teeth red or purple, it likely has an added dye. Mega Purple is made by concentrating Rubired grapes into a thick and very color-rich liquid with 68% sugar!

Sugar: More on this below, but I saw tests from some wines that contain more sugar than soda. This sugar can be natural (from cane or beet sugar) or added at the time of bottling. High sugar is a sign that the grapes were overly watered or that supplemental sugar was added.

Sulfites: All wine contains traces of sulfites that naturally occur in grape skins and during fermentation. Some winemakers also add sulfur as a preservative and to kill certain unwanted bacteria in the wine. Wines labeled “low-sulfite” or “no-sulfites” have only naturally occurring sulfites.

Pesticides: Non-organic wines often contain pesticide residue. Think about this… if you buy conventional produce, you at least wash or peel it before eating. Grapes go straight into a fermentation vessel, pesticides and all.

Mold and Mycotoxins: These are more common in red wines, especially from humid areas. If you’re OK with white wine but red wine gives you a headache, it might be the mold/mycotoxins and not the sulfites. European winemakers must test for mold and mycotoxins but US wine makers are not required to.

Filtering agents: You wouldn’t think you’d find animal ingredients in wine, but some wines use filtering agents like fish bladders and egg whites to filter the wine. Yep… sorry to tell you.

Velcorin: The most dangerous additive on this list. Velcorin or dimethyl dicarbonate is a bacterial control agent added to many wines. It has to be added by specially licensed teams using hazmat suits under very strict procedures. No one is allowed to touch the wine for 24 hours after application and if you drank the wine during that time, you would die. Bad news!

The Microbiome of Natural Wine

I’ve visited many vineyards in the United States and now many in Europe as well. One difference was striking. In the US, the chemistry and yeast/bacterial balancing happen in a lab and in the fermentation vessels.

Natural wines, on the other hand, rely on the chemistry and microbiome in the vineyard. Nothing is done to the wine once it’s in the fermentation vessel.

In short, living vineyards + native yeasts = living natural wine that is in a class of its own.

Here’s what I mean…

Microbiome of the Vineyard

US vineyards are clean and manicured… and dead. There are typically no unwanted plants growing under the vines —  a clue that they are sprayed with pesticides and other chemicals to keep away unwanted pests and plants.

In Europe, by contrast, many of the natural vineyards were teeming with other plants like herbs and flowers, beneficial insects, and snails. All of these things contribute to the bacterial balance in the vineyard and serve an important purpose.

Humus and Terroir

I added two new words to my wine vocabulary in Europe and that I never heard in US vineyards: Humus and Terroir.

Ever seen that gorgeous dark soil right under the top layer of leaves and twigs in a forest? Or smelled the fresh dirt when you’ve dug something up? You likely smelled humus, the dark organic material that forms when plants and animals decay and where the earthworms live. This important soil level also contains important nutrients for plants and nitrogen. Scientists think that this layer may help prevent disease in the soil and make it more fertile. It is also largely missing from many commercial farmlands.

Humus adds a depth of flavor to wine and natural winemakers spend a lot of time working on the health of the soil… and letting the grapes do their own thing.

Natural winemakers also had an intense focus on the quality of the soil and what they called “Terroir,” (a French word that literally translated means “earth” or “soil”). Terroir is basically the idea that the place (the vineyard) is reflected in the taste of the wine. Since natural winemakers don’t add anything to the wine to correct the bacterial balance or taste, they instead culture the soil to create minerality and taste.

In some of the wines we tasted, we could literally taste the vineyard we’d just visited in the flavor of the wine.

Native Yeasts and Living Wines

I was fascinated to learn that while all wines used to be made with their own native and natural yeasts, winemakers now kill off the native yeast and use a standardized commercial yeast for easier fermentation and a more standard taste.

The downside is that unwanted (and possibly beneficial) species of yeast and bacteria are killed off and only the commercial yeast remains. Think of it as the difference between a single strain probiotic and all of the trillions of bacteria present in the soil.

Natural wines are more complicated because they depend on the yeast that is naturally present on the skin of the grapes for fermentation. For this reason, natural wines can be less predictable and taste more complex.

One winemaker had identified literally thousands of bacteria present in wines. For this reason, natural wines are living wines and can be as different from some commercial wines as kombucha is from beer or soda.

Dry Farmed and Low Sugar Wines

The sugar content and irrigation practices also put natural wine in a class of its own. Many organic and biodynamic wines can still be very high in sugar and even high in alcohol. If you’ve heard the increasingly popular term “dry farmed” in reference to wine, this affects both the sugar and alcohol content.

Here’s why:

Watering grapes results in a higher yield and sweeter wine, which is the reason artificial irrigation became a common practice. Unfortunately, irrigation also teaches the grapes that their roots don’t have to grow as deep since the water is available near the surface of the soil.

Dry farmed (non-irrigated) vines send roots down to 30 feet or farther underground where they find more water, more minerals, and more micronutrients. This creates a lower sugar, lower alcohol, and more complex wine.

Low Alcohol in Natural Wines

Depending on why you like drinking wine (if you do), you may be wondering: “Why on earth would I want low-alcohol wine?”

I personally drink wine in moderation somewhat regularly because I enjoy it and I believe that in moderate amounts it can be very health-promoting. In fact, a 2007 study from Finland found that wine drinkers have a 34% lower mortality rate than beer or spirit drinkers. And people in every major Blue Zone (where people live to be 100+) consume wine regularly.

BUT…

Alcohol is toxic. In fact, Dry Farm Wines founder Todd White was emphatic about this when I interviewed him for the podcast.

However, we know that some things that are toxic in large doses can be beneficial in small doses. This concept is known as hormesis. It essentially means that the dose makes the poison (an important concept in homeopathic medicine).

For those of us who choose to approach alcohol consumption with a moderate approach rather than avoid it altogether, low alcohol wines can be a great solution. If they are natural wines, they contain less of the toxic element (alcohol) and more of the beneficial yeasts and bacteria, antioxidants, and beneficial phytochemicals that likely account for the plethora of research about the benefits of wine.

How to Find High Quality Natural Wine

I was surprised how few wines met the stringent criteria for true natural wine. I was traveling with some of the most knowledgeable people in the world about natural wines (and who run the largest natural wine distribution company in the world!).

These guys…

We visited several wine fairs throughout France and Italy and I was shocked how few of the wines met their (very) strict criteria. I also saw (and tasted) firsthand the big difference between true natural wine and just organic or biodynamic wines. To even be considered, the wines had to:

Dry farmed (not irrigated)

Use native yeast from the vineyard with no commercial yeast added

Have low alcohol content (12.5% or less)

Be sugar-free (less than 1g/L)

Use natural or biodynamic farming practices

Come from grapes grown on old vines (35-100 years old)

If a wine met all of those criteria, then it got to the taste test. These guys are strict! They passed on a lot of wines that tasted perfectly wonderful to me!

If a wine passed their stringent taste test, they sent it to a lab for testing to confirm the above criteria. There they tested it for mold and mycotoxins, pesticide residue, and a lot of other stuff.

In other words, their wines get more lab testing than most humans do in a year.

And Now I’m a Wine Snob…

Don’t take this in the traditional sense… I haven’t made drinking wine into a hobby and I don’t have enough experience to identify all of the notes, etc. (Although I’m pretty sure I was entertaining to watch as I tried in Europe!)

I am, however, picky when it comes to the sourcing of wine. Now that I understand just how important all of these factors are, I only choose natural wine to drink. If I have a choice between a regular organic wine that doesn’t meet the criteria and not drinking… I don’t drink.

The problem is that you can’t just walk into a normal wine store or restaurant and ask for a glass of natural wine. I’ve tried. Many people don’t understand the differences and believe, as I used to, that all wine is natural.

There are some general guidelines that help somewhat, such as:

European wines are more likely to meet the natural wine criteria.

Low alcohol wines are more likely to be made with a natural winemaking process.

Biodynamic wines made from organic grapes typically have fewer additives and shouldn’t have pesticide residue.

But none of those is a surefire way to know a wine is natural. And I saw just how much work goes into identifying these wines.

Where I Buy (Natural) Wine

Now, I only buy lab-tested wines from Dry Farm Wines for so many reasons. I know the quality is there because of the stringent criteria and lab tests. But more than that, I know just how much heart and soul goes into these wines.

I know what it looks like to see three generations working together to create something amazing. And I’ve seen how the lives of these small family-owned wine growers change when they are able to sell these wines and share them with the world. And now, when I taste a sip of these wines, I can almost see and smell the vineyard where they were grown.

Chances are you won’t find these organically and biodynamically grown wines at a wine shop near you (or know how to identify them if they are), so I’ve worked out a special offer from Dry Farm Wines for Wellness Mama readers:

Get an extra bottle of wine for just a penny with any order at this link.

Are you a wine drinker? Have you tried natural wine? What differences have you noticed?

Source link

[thefrenchorganiccompany-blog]

Some Reputable All Natural Makeup Brands You Should Know

Lipstick, Foundation, Concealer, Face powder, bronzer, Highlighter, blush. The list goes on and on. Makeup and makeup products are the "in" thing now. With an influx of makeup artists, makeup schools and classes, makeup tutorial channels on YouTube and other social media networks, makeup seems almost impossible to ignore. Prior to the 20th century, makeup was seen as impolite and vulgar and was worn by mainly actors and theatre or stage workers, but today it is not uncommon to see a regular woman step out with heavy makeup on a regular day. Believe it or not, even men these days, are wearing makeup- not the normal "on set" makeup that we know that male actors and journalists and TV presenters wear just for the set. Some of these men even have makeup tutorial channels on YouTube and ASOS is now selling makeup for men. With this, it would be all kinds of right to say that the makeup industry is the most patronized and most popular industry in the world right now.

It is no longer a secret why people love to wear makeup. Obviously, it helps them hide flaws and blemishes on their face, makes them look healthy, it helps to accentuate their beautiful facial features, and it boosts their confidence too so basically, makeup is used to enhance one's appearance and that is why some people find it difficult to step out without it. Ironically, and funnily enough, these makeup products that are supposed to cover and hide our facial flaws tend to cause serious skin problems like rashes, hyperpigmentation, acne, etc and then we would need more makeup to cover these skin problems and then it means more skin problems. This is because most of the makeup products available in markets contain chemicals, colour additives that are really harmful to the body. Makeup companies, as a way of improving their quality of their products, tend to unintentionally pump a lot of harmful toxins into the products. Apart from skin irritations, these chemicals or toxins pumped into makeup products can cause cancer and other terminal diseases. With researches, awareness has been created and people now know the kind of ingredients they have been consuming in the name of makeup. Interestingly, with this sudden awareness and health consciousness, a lot of all natural makeup brands, that are nontoxic and a lot healthier are springing up and now, health-conscious makeup lovers do have a lot of choices when it comes to sourcing natural makeup products.

All natural makeup brands have no toxic chemicals, no synthetic fragrances; have only natural ingredients and are eco-friendly. Most often "natural" and "organic" are used interchangeably and together and are often confused when it comes to makeup brands.  Natural means that all of its ingredients are sourced from nature and there are no synthetic ingredients added and organic may have all of its ingredients from natural sources or 70% of its ingredients from natural sources and no harsh process is used in manufacturing them.  However, it would be okay to use or buy organic makeup products as natural makeup but be careful to study the concentration of natural ingredients on the label and be sure that the natural ingredients have the highest percentages. Natural makeup works exactly as regular makeup and may look exactly like regular makeup. The difference is in their ingredients. While natural makeup is made solely from natural ingredients, regular makeup is made from toxin based and synthetic ingredients so natural makeup, while catering for your beauty needs, also caters for your health needs. Sometimes a cheap natural makeup product on the market is in every way, healthier than an expensive price tagged regular makeup. While regular makeup leaves you with skin problems, natural makeup, on the other hand, with its natural ingredients tends to cater for your skin, leaving it looking healthy and irritation free. Also, all natural makeup brands produce makeup products are filled with natural antioxidants that prevent the skin from aging. You get to look forever young. By using natural makeup, you are saved from a myriad of diseases and disorders. The toxins in regular makeup pose a real health risk. You are opened to diseases such as breast cancer, liver cancer, lead poisoning, and even causes birth defects in some instances. Inhaling its synthetic fragrances may cause various allergic reactions. Most importantly, Natural makeup is eco-friendly. It uses earth-friendly ingredients and there is no harsh process used in manufacturing.

Natural makeup, though on the market, is not easy to find and even if you do, you cannot just trust any brand so if you would love makeup brands that can double task, thus make you look gorgeous and heal your skin as well, here is a list of trusted all natural makeup brands made from pure ingredients.

·         ILIA Beauty - This brand is eco- friendly. Its packaging is done with recycled aluminum. Ingredients used are sourced from organic farmers and it is manufactured in a certified organic lab. Products from this brand nourish and rejuvenate your skin. They are cruelty-free as well which means it is not tested on animals. They have lipsticks, lip conditioners, and foundations. You may want to try them.

·         RMS Beauty - This natural makeup brand was created by the makeup artist Rose Marie Swift, as the name of the brand clearly carries her initials. They are 100% natural and organic and mainly have coconut oil as the base ingredient and we all are aware of the magic coconut oil works on the skin. This brand offers lipsticks, face powders, eyeshadows, mascara, foundations, concealers that are made from natural ingredients. It is environmental-friendly too as all of its packagings is made from biodegradable, recyclable and reusable materials.

·         Au Naturale - The name of this brand speaks for itself. The brand offers eyeliners, highlighters, concealers, eyeshadows, lipsticks, bronzers and blushes that are organic and natural. It is also cruelty and vegan-free and non-toxic. These products are handmade.

·         100% Pure - This brand produces 100% pure, non-toxic, nonsynthetic makeup products. They make their colors and fragrances from fruits. There are no artificial colors and fragrances. They are really 100% natural. Products from this brand contain natural antioxidants that prevent your skin from aging.

·         Dr. Hauschka - This is also an another all natural makeup brand made from selected essential oils, medicinal herbs and plants. Their pigments are naturally made and they go a long way to support the health of your skin.

·         Alima Pure - Alima pure makeup brand is rich in colors but are free from toxins and additives. It is eco-friendly, such that it uses recycled paper in its packaging. Minimal ingredients are used and never uses synthetic dyes. They have powder foundations for all skin tones.

·         Ecco Bella - This all-natural makeup brand has been in production since 1992 and has over these years used plant-based ingredients to create a line of makeup products- free of gluten and synthetic dyes. They have beautiful colors that are flower based and do not compromise the health of your skin.

·         Josie Maran - This brand makes 100% natural products that are infused with Argan oil. Argan oil is their base ingredient. They are purely natural and healthy.

·         Vapour Organic Beauty - This brand spans from skin care products to make up products. They are made from organic ingredients that are chemical free. They are full of natural antioxidants that prevent premature skin aging and are skin soothing as well. They have foundation, concealers, and primers with a shade for every complexion and skin type.

·         Beauty Counter - this brand started as just a skincare brand but ventured into makeup eventually. This brand bans 1500 chemicals from their products so you can guarantee that it is skin friendly and provides excellent flawless beauty. They also have natural and organic hair care products you may want to try.

·         Elate Cosmetics - This brand is cruelty, vegan and gluten-free. It has a bamboo packaging which is so eco-friendly. They have lipsticks, eyeshadows, bronzers and other makeup products that work well on the skin.

There are several other trusted all natural makeup brands on the market. The most important thing to do is to check for an endorsement from Food and Drugs Authority and the product labels to see if they are really natural. Remember that your skin is the largest organ and you cannot compromise its health all in the name of staying beautiful. Choose all natural makeup brands and enjoy both a healthy skin and a beautiful look.

[blushandfreckle]

Building your skincare routine

If you frequent Youtube or Instagram, chances are you've been inundated with morning beauty routines and fancy products. Posts and videos tend to be complex or overwhelming for the skincare newbie; and, to complicate things even more, skincare regimens are incredibly personal and take a lot of trial and error to perfect. The following lists what your basic regimen should include, as well as links to articles/resources on the item.

1. Cleanser

Every routine has to have a cleanser; trouble is, there are a plethora of options on the market and some are not so great for your skin. When choosing a cleanser its important to consider two things: pH and surfactants. Here is why-

pH

In case you can't remember your high school chemistry class, pH refers to a scale specifying how acidic or alkaline (read: opposite of acidic) a solution is. Your skin barrier, or the outer wall of your skin, should have a pH of around 5.5-6.5; and, therefore, skincare products should be around the same. If a product you use is too acidic or alkaline, it could produce catastrophic reactions (aka breakouts, irritation, inflammation). Your skincare should - by rule of thumb - fall in the 5-6.5 pH range, as this is the closest to your skin's natural pH

Surfactants

Surfactants refer to the cleansing elements/chemicals in the product you are using. All cleansing products need surfactants to work, but certain chemicals are better than others. In short, avoid products with harsh surfactants like sodium lauryl sulfate, or anything that looks like 'Sodium _ _ ate' (sodium laurate, sodium cocoate, sodium tallowate, etc.); and, instead, opt for products containing milder surfactants like sodium laureth sulfate (especially when combined with cocamidopropyl betaine), sodium cocoyl isethionate, alkyl sulfosuccinates, etc.

For much more detail about these two, check out the amazing Lab Muffin's post on the matter. Read here for more info.

2. Toner

I used to think I didn't need a toner, that is until I met active acids. There are an extensive amount of toning products on the market, but at minimum, your toner should balance the skin's pH and maintain a happy skin barrier. Active acids like glycolic acid restore skin pH while sloughing off dead skin cells. Other toners with ingredients like niacinamide and ceramide, reinforce the skin barrier - restoring any damage done during the cleansing stage. Here is another Lab Muffin post on how to use toners!

3. Moisturizer

Like toners, the treatments and moisturizers you use should restore the skin barrier (maintain skin pH). Avoid products with fragrance and dyes; and, opt for treatments or moisturizers with ceramides, niacinamides, and fatty/amino acids (note, don't use niacinamide at the same time as active acids, instead use them at separate times of the day to avoid a chemical reaction). While somewhat counterintuitive, moisturizers should be water based, as water based products can permeate the outer wall and absorb. Follow water based moisturizers with oils to lock products in (I recommend squalane).

4. Sunscreen

If you haven't seen the famous sun-exposed trucker picture, here you go: an article about it, and the actual image showing the importance of SPF - 

If this doesn't inspire you to wear SPF, I am not sure what would. Besides reducing your risk of skin cancer, SPF protects the skin from wrinkle-producing radiation. Fight wrinkles with regular use of SPF!

In conclusion

While your regimen can include more steps and products, at minimum, it should include a cleanser, toner, moisturizer and sunscreen. When choosing products, always patch test and research, research, research. Keep in mind that what might work for me, may not work for you (we have different chemistry); and, limit your routine to what you are willing to keep up with - too many products or steps will most likely lead to abandonment of any sort of routine.

[tharakoekenbiergraduation]

What are Biodegradable Fabrics?

The term ‘biodegradable’ refers to the ability of a substance to decompose naturally via living organisms.   

Do not confuse biodegradable with the term “bio-based”. Bio-based fabrics may have been produced from naturally grown fibres, such as cotton, but are not always easily biodegradable after being manufactured into fabric and can also include synthetic fibres blended in. For example, the bio-based fishing line (a thicker version of the nylon used in fabrics) takes up to 600 years to decompose. This is due to the strong, complex bonds of polymers inside synthetic fabrics.

So while synthetic fabrics are technically able to biodegrade, they take too long to do so and are imbued with many chemicals, causing them to emit greenhouse gases such as methane into the environment. This creates damage to our environment and is not therefore sustainable; 600 years of methane emissions is definitely not desirable!

Some fabrics, even though not made from synthetic fibres such as non-organic cotton, cannot simply biodegrade due to the large number of dyes or finishing chemicals applied.

Which Fabrics Are Naturally Biodegradable?

The majority of fabrics and fibres will biodegrade, whether synthetic or not. However the time it takes along with the amount of damage dealt to our environment will vary, depending largely on what fibres a fabric is made from. The below list details a few 100% environmentally friendly fabrics which will biodegrade seamlessly back into nature’s cycle.

Organic Cotton

Organic cotton is cotton that is produced without the use of chemicals, pesticides or synthetic substances inside of it.

It can take as little as 1-5months to completely biodegrade, close to an apple core that takes 2 months.

Silk

Silk is produced completely naturally from the fibres used by silk worms when they spin themselves cocoons to become moths. Silk, even pure silk, has always been one of the most resilient natural fibres, getting tougher as time wears on. It starts to show signs of biodegradation after about 4 years. Science has proven that the use of acidic enzymes speeds up the biodegradation of silk, which makes sense when one considers that the original purpose of silk was to be eaten by the moth hatching from the cocoon.

Hemp

An incredibly versatile plant in terms of fibres, hemp is used in the production of garments, paper, biodegradable plastics, paint, insulation, biofuel, fabric and even a food source for essential omega oils. Mostly still produced using natural methods, hemp is cut and stripped manually of fibres that are spun into threads.

There is little information on how long it takes hemp fibres to biodegrade; however the old saying “hemp wears in, not out” illuminates the fact that hemp fibres become naturally softer over time. The reason hemp is so tough as an all-natural fibre is the fact that the fibre is made up of a large portion of silica (sand), withstanding the test of time and ultimately able to biodegrade back into sand.

Ramie

Ramie fabric is produced from the Boehmeria Nivea plant, aka Chinese nettle or Rhea, a Malaysian equivalent plant. This fabric has been produced from these plants since ancient times as well, known by the ancient Egyptians and Asian cultures for centuries. Egyptian mummy bandages are made from ramie fabric. In the middle ages, European cultures also caught on to this fibrous fabric.

Ramie is shown to degrade slower than cotton inside the lab, indicating it takes slightly longer for it to naturally degrade into the soil. If ramie mummification bandages can survive centuries with little damage, it’s probably safe to assume Ramie takes a few years to biodegrade in soil – this still does not compare to many synthetic fabric lifespans.

Jute

This is the plant or plant fibre that is used to make burlap, hessian or gunny cloth and rope. These fibres are naturally stripped from the white jute plant in a process called retting. Jute is used mostly in making sacks for its durable anti-rot properties. One hectare of jute plants can consume up to 15 tonnes of CO2!

Due to very little processing, jute is biodegradable, despite its anti-rot properties. It can be used under a thin layer of soil to prevent weed growth in agriculture, taking 2-3years to biodegrade.

Wool

Wool is produced under natural conditions without the addition of chemicals (it’s harvested from livestock) and has been adopted as a leading textile for many thousands of years in clothing, upholstery and blankets.

When untreated with chemicals, wool is 100% biodegradable in a span of 1-5 years based on the techniques adopted to convert it into fibre.

Organic Bamboo

This prolific plant is actually one of the tallest species of grass known to man. Instead of being completely harvested, bamboo is cut like grass, which is far more sustainable for soil health. Bamboo is also grown without use of pesticides or fertilisers.

However, non-organic bamboo is usually soaked in hydrogen peroxide to break it down into its fibres before being spun into Rayon, so you will want to look for clothing made from organic bamboo fibre.

Organic bamboo is broken down quickly with natural enzymes to produce a fabric and is often a more expensive process. Manufacturers of pure bamboo fabrics and fibres say it takes 4-6months to biodegrade naturally.

Abaca

Abaca, also known as ‘Manila hemp’ is a leaf fibre made from the leaves of the Abaca plant.The leaf stalks are usually manually handled, stripped and pulped, before being simply washed and dried to make the fibres. Abaca has been used for centuries as a natural fibre in rope, twine and nets for its high lignin content, making it exceptionally strong. It also used to be used for ships rigging.

Despite being so highly durable, Abaca was shown to start disintegrating after 2 months in a degradation experiment done. The sample of abaca fabric had water poured on it each day in the same spot, proving that Abaca is biodegradable. 

Very few fabrics are organically biodegradable owing to the fact that they contain some amount of chemicals to increase their lifespan and resilience. Biodegradability of fabrics is largely determined by the amount of chemicals used in the textile-life-cycle. Typically the more chemicals used, the longer it takes to biodegrade. And the more damage to the environment and people it causes.

[urvashiela-blog]

Test Tube Baby Cost in Aiims   |  Elawoman

What is IVF?

What is IVF :-(In Vitro Fertilization) is an infertility treatment in which an egg and sperm are combined together outside the body, in a specific research centre? The treated egg (developing life) is permitted to develop in an ensured domain for some prior days being moved into the lady's uterus increasing the odds of an effective pregnancy.

IVF remains for in vitro Fertilization. It's one of the more broadly known kinds of Assisted Reproductive Technology(ART). IVF works by using a combination of medicines and surgeries to enable sperm to prepare an egg and help the treated egg embed in your uterus.

To begin with, you take the prescription that makes a few of your eggs develop and prepare for treatment. At that point the specialist removes the eggs from your body and blends them with sperm in a lab, to enable the sperm to treat the eggs. Pregnancy occurs if any of the developing lives embed in the lining of your uterus.

It here and there chips away at the main attempt, however numerous individuals require more than 1 round of IVF to get pregnant. IVF definitely increases your odds of pregnancy in case you're having fertility issues, however, there's no assurance — everybody's body is extraordinary and IVF won't work for everybody.

The initial phase in IVF is taking fertility prescriptions for a while to enable your ovaries to create a few eggs that are developed and prepared for treatment. This is called ovulation induction. You may get customary ultrasounds or blood tests to gauge your hormone levels and monitor your egg creation. Egg recovery is a minor surgery that is done at your specialist's office or at a fertility clinic.

You'll motivate medicine to enable you to be loose and happy with during the procedure. Using ultrasound to see inside your body, the specialist puts a thin, empty tube through your vagina and into the ovary and follicles that hold your eggs. The needle is associated with a suction gadget that tenderly hauls the eggs out of every follicle.

The eggs and sperm are put away together in an uncommon container, and fertilization occurs. For sperm that has brought down motility (don't swim also), they might be injected straightforwardly into the eggs to advance treatment. As the cells in the treated eggs partition and moved toward becoming incipient organisms, individuals who work at the lab screen the advancement.

Around 3-5 days after the egg recovery, at least 1 fetuses are put into your uterus (this is called developing life exchange). The specialist slides a thin tube through your cervix into your uterus and inserts the developing life straightforwardly into your uterus through the tube.

Pregnancy occurs if any of the incipient organisms connect to the lining of your uterus. Fetus exchange is done at your specialist's office or at a fertility clinic, and it's typically not painful.

Plan on resting for whatever is left of the day after your fetus exchange. You can return to your ordinary exercises the following day. You may likewise take pills or get everyday shots of a hormone called progesterone for the initial 8-10 weeks after the incipient organism exchange. The hormones make it less demanding for the incipient organism to make dye in your uterus.

IVF Procedure

When planning for a child through fertility treatment, IVF or IVF treatment and IVF Procedure is a standout amongst the best unnaturally conceived child accessible nowadays

When planning for a baby through fertility treatment, IVF treatment or IVF procedure and unnaturally conceived child or In Vitro Fertilization is a standout amongst the best ones accessible nowadays. Nonetheless, relatively few of us realize what precisely it is and how it functions. Here is a stage b-step itemized portrayal of the IVF treatment or IVF Procedure and unnaturally conceived child.

Test Tube Baby Cost in AIIMS

All India Institutes of Medical Sciences (AIIMS) is an acclaimed and lofty Multi-Specialty Hospital arranged in Ansari Nagar, New Delhi. It is a standout amongst the most well-known clinics which gives broad offices which include teaching, quiet consideration, and mainly inquire about. The healing facility is a therapeutic house which consists of 25 clinical divisions, 4 super-strength centres, and an examination office where the exploration is completed in 42 disciplines. Their gynaecological and Obstetrics administrations include Hysteroscopic Medical procedure, In-Vitro Fertilization(IVF), Blastocyst Culture and Exchange, Freezing of Sperms/Incipient organisms/Oocytes, Egg Freezing, Endometrial Receptivity Exhibit, Semen Analysis and Sperm Capacity Test, Semen Freezing, Surrogacy, Testicular Biopsy, Intrauterine Insemination (IUI) and Laparoscopic Medical procedure. AIIMS is visited by Dr. Alka Kriplani. She is a specialist in IUI and IVF medicines. If you have a question in your mind related AIIMS IVF Facility get answers from us at Elawoman.com.

All-India Institute of Therapeutic Sciences was established as an institution of national significance by a Demonstration of Parliament with the articles to create examples of teaching in Undergraduate and Postgraduate Restorative Instruction in the entirety of its branches in order to exhibit an exclusive requirement of Medicinal Instruction in India; to bring together in one place instructive offices of the most elevated request for the training of faculty in exceptionally imperative parts of wellbeing action; and to attain independence in Post-graduate Medicinal Instruction.

AIIMS IVF Facility has exhaustive offices for teaching, research and patient care. As given in the Demonstration, AIIMS conducts teaching programs in therapeutic and para-restorative courses both at undergraduate and postgraduate dimensions and grants its very own degrees. Teaching and research are directed in 42 disciplines. In the field of restorative research, AIIMS is the lead, having in excess of 600 research distributions by its staff and scientists in a year. AIIMS likewise runs a School of Nursing and trains understudies for B.Sc.(Hons.) Nursing post-endorsement) degrees.

Dr. Alka Kriplani is an IVF Specialist and Gynecologist who finished MBBS and MD in Obstetrics and Gynecology from Pt. Jawaharlal Nehru Medicinal School, Raipur. Dr. Alka is a privileged individual from FRCOG in London and FANS in Singapore. Dr. Alka has gotten a few honours for her extraordinary administration including Padma Shri in the year 2015. She is likewise an editorial manager at prestigious therapeutic distributions. By and by, Dr. Alka Kriplani is working as an Educator in the Division of Obstetrics and Gynecology, AIIMS.

Dr. Alka Kriplani in Ansari Nagar-AIIMS has established the clinic and has gained a devoted customer base in the course of recent years and is added as often as possible visited by a few big names, aspiring models and other fair customers and international patients also. They additionally plan on expanding their business further and providing administrations to a few more patients owing to its prosperity in the course of recent years.The clinic is outfitted with most recent sorts of hardware and brags exceedingly progressed careful instruments that assistance in undergoing fastidious medical procedures or procedures.

Dr. Alka Kriplani in Delhi treats the different afflictions of the patients by helping them experience amazing medications and procedures. Among the various administrations offered here, the clinic gives medications to Uterine Fibroids or Myomas, Ovarian Pimples, Endometriosis, Pelvic Organ Prolapse, Urinary Issues, Vaginal Discharge, Infertility, Menopause, Gynecological Malignant growths, Unusual Pap Smears - Pre-Invasive Cervical/Vaginal Disease and Vulva Conditions. The specialist is likewise listed under Gynecologist and Obstetrician Doctors. Moreover, the patients likewise visit the clinic for Contraception Counsel, HPV Tests, and Biopsy Tests and so on.

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The following are the Best Test Tube Baby Centres in Delhi with choices to book your first appointment FREE. Check Surveys, IVF Cost, Success rates, Charges, Contact Number and Address for all In Vitro Fertilization medicines. Likewise, find moderate unnaturally conceived child costs.

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At-Home Colon Cancer Screening Tests: What You Need to Know

90% of colon cancer cases in the US are diagnosed in patients 50 years old and older. However, recent studies show a rising incidence of colon cancer in younger adults. Bowel cancer found in ages 20 – 30 rose between 1990 and 2016, increasing as much 7.9% per year between 2004 and 2016 (source).

With various screening options available, logistical and financial barriers no longer stand in the way of getting screened. One of the most popular options is at-home colon cancer screening tests.

But just how effective are they? Colon cancer screening kits can have an accuracy rate of up to 92% with only a 5% chance of false-positives.

With something this affordable and accessible, medical practitioners are hoping to see a consistent drop in mortality rates caused by colon cancer. And with at-home colon cancer screening tests, patients no longer have to go out of their way to get tested.

The Importance Of Colon Cancer Screening

Survival rates of colon cancer patients are significantly higher when the disease is still in a localized stage. Within five-years, patients in this stage have a 90% chance of survival. This gets lower as the cancer spreads throughout the body.

Colon cancer evolves from polyps, which are growths on the lining of the colon. When caught early, these polyps can be removed, preventing them from developing into colon cancer.

Getting screened means patients can avoid and even get cured for colon cancer (source). Dr. John Saltzman, who is a director of endoscopy at Brigham and Women’s Hospital in Boston, affirms that: “If you get them at the precancerous phase, they don’t have a chance to grow and turn into cancer.”

Why Choose At-Home Colon Cancer Tests

Despite various options for colon cancer screening, even those at an average to high risk don’t get tested until they start exhibiting progressive symptoms. The reason for this is simple: colonoscopies and other procedures are relatively expensive and require a lot of preparation.

With at-home colon cancer tests, candidates can get screened and tested in the comfort of their own home. Listed below are other advantages of at-home screening:

With the exception of guaiac fecal occult blood testing (gFOBT), at-home colon cancer tests have no dietary restrictions

Samples can be conveniently collected at home

The procedure is non-invasive. There is no need for surgery, rectum insertion, or the injection of dyes

Bowel cleansing is not required

Cost is low and affordable, even without the help of medical insurance

Samples are typically sent or dropped off at the laboratory. There is little to no waiting time required since results are delivered through call or on appointment

Patients can choose between tests that require doctor prescription and those that are readily available over-the-counter

Do They Work?

At-home screening is normally suggested to be taken alongside colonoscopies and other methods of testing. A study published in the Annals of Internal Medicine suggests that at-home colon cancer screening, specifically the fecal immunochemical test (FIT) may produce more accurate results than a colonoscopy (source).

The lead author notes that the FIT was able to positively identify colon cancer in 75-80% of the individuals. In comparison, colonoscopies are known to have a 95% detection rate.

How do these numbers translate in terms of efficacy? Taking into consideration cost and preparation time, patients are naturally averse towards taking colonoscopies for the simple reason that they take time. On the other hand, at-home colon cancer screening doesn’t pose the same barriers.

Because they are repeatable and affordable, at-risk individuals can test yearly, which further increases its credibility as a screening method.

People with average risk should have a colonoscopy every ten years. It’s important to note that polyps can evolve into colon cancer in 7 to 10 year’s time. But with at-home screening methods such as FIT, among others, patients can test yearly and keep track of their digestive tract health more rigorously.

How Accurate Are Home Colon Cancer Tests?

Depending on the test being taken, the accuracy of at-home CRC screening kits can go up to 90%. When taken alongside other screening methods, at-home testing becomes fool-proof.

Here’s how it usually works:

Patients who exhibit symptoms such as rectal bleeding, progressive constipation and abdominal cramps, as well as irregular bowel movement may ask their doctors for prescriptions for CRC kits. Note that symptoms are rarely apparent in colon cancer, making anyone eligible for testing even without evident abnormalities

Your doctor either prescribes a test or you choose one from the pharmacy. We suggest choosing prescription-only tests in order to maximize your resources

In the case of hemoccult tests, blood that is invisible to the naked eye is detected. While unable to identify polyps, the test can distinguish the presence of blood in the stool. This information helps doctors understand the state of your gastrointestinal health

On the other hand, stool DNA tests look for abnormal DNA in your stool. Polyps in the colon shed blood and cells, which can become evident in your stool.

Limitations Of At-Home CRC Screening

At-home CRC kits are fully equipped with everything you need to identify either polyps, abnormal cell DNA, or bleeding. We recommend using more than one type to improve the accuracy of your results.

While useful in determining pre-cancer warnings, these are not to be treated as definitive diagnosis for colon cancer. Patients who test positive for at-home screening tests are required to take a colonoscopy in order to reach a conclusive diagnosis.

Learn more about colonoscopy procedure at Gastro Center NJ.

Even with these limitations, At-home kits remain to be useful and potentially life-saving, especially for individuals who are not aware of existing genetic disorders that may increase their risk of developing colon cancer.  

Vice President of cancer screening at the American Cancer Society, Dr. Robert Smith, even notes that annual at-home testing can be as effective as colonoscopies (source).

How Much Do CRC Tests Cost?

In-house screening methods are the last thing from affordable. Colonoscopies can cost up to $3,000. Meanwhile, sigmoidoscopies range from $900 to $2,000.

In comparison, fecal occult blood tests (FOBT) can go as low as $4 per test. A more “advanced” kind of at-home testing can cost $8 per test. The Cologuard, which is considered to be the most expensive at-home testing kit, retails at $649. However, that price can still vary depending on the patient’s health insurance.

Self-screening kits for CRC are available in pharmacies. These can also be purchased online through Amazon. Consult your doctor for best home colon cancer screening kits available on the market.

Choosing the Right At-Home Colon Cancer Test

There are three kinds of at-home colon cancer tests available for use. These are:

Cologuard: the only FDA-approved stool DNA test

Cost

Cologuard is covered by Medicare, Medicare Advantages, as well as Medicaid in specific states (click here for the complete list). Cologuard is also in partnership with various private insurance companies. Contact your provider to learn more about deductibles and refundables.

Effectivity

Cologuard was able to detect 42% of high-risk precancers and 92% of colon cancers in their study of 10,000 people. The test was also able to detect positive signs of cancer or growth in 13% of people without cancer or precancer.

How to Use

Doctors order Cologuard on your behalf. Once the arrangement is done, expect the test kit to arrive at your doorstep. According to the instructions, only one stool sample is required. No dietary or medication changes are necessary. Ship the sample to your chosen lab, as specified in the instructions. Results are sent back in 2 weeks.

How It Works

Cologuard looks for traces of blood shed by polyps or growth along the colon lining. More importantly, Cologuard is the only at-home screening kit that can identify abnormal DNA just with stool alone.

Guaiac fecal occult blood testing (gFOBT)

Cost

Depending on the brand you choose, gFOBT tests can cost anywhere from $5 to $60.

Effectivity

The gFOBT is known to have reduced colon cancer mortalities by up to 25%.

How To Use

Patients are provided with three test cards. More test cards may be given depending on race, age, and overall risk factor. Separate bowel samples are collected from separate bowel movements. Be wary of adding water or urine to the sample since this may influence test results. Dietary restrictions are also applicable to preserve the accuracy of the results

How It Works

The gFOBT is similar to the FIT in that both tests are able to detect bleeding in the stool. This test uses a chemical indicator that changes in color when blood is present.

Fecal immunochemical test (FIT)

Cost

Depending on the brand you choose, FITs can cost anywhere from $10 to $200.

Effectivity

FIT is commonly preferred over gFOBT, and has been recommended by the American College of Gastroenterology as the better colorectal cancer detection test.

How to Use

No dietary or medical restrictions apply to an FIT. A special device included in the kit is designed to collect the stool onto a collection card. An average of three samples are collected from three separate bowel movements.

How It Works

FIT utilizes antibodies in detecting hemoglobin. If hemoglobin is present, the test can confirm signs of anemia or bleeding in the colon, which can be a sign of early polyp growth.

A Single Swipe Can Save Your Life

Talk to us and learn more about at-home colon cancer screening and on-site testing today.

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