#MAYBE the system we hate so much is the one we’ve created for ourselves over years of complex emotional trauma in order to survive

[reynoldsnbauer]

throughout the whole episode I was like “why is dee being so nice to mac and calling him a genius” and then it turned out to be dennis’s literal fantasy

[system-of-a-feather]

I’m still thinking about Moon Knight Episode 5 cause it really hit home and like... really got me thinking on a few things that have just been circling in my head trying to be digested but really struggling since I don’t have much access to a lot of our actual childhood shit, but I think one of the things that really got my brain stuck is that I think I really really resonate with Steven (and by think, I obviously do, innocent fictive host and shit) and I think a large part of Episode 5 really had me hearing Marc and like... having that be shit I really never heard properly from my system and probably needed to hear but never got to because admitting a lot of that would put the whole “point” of me in jeopardy if I wasn’t so much ready to deal with the implications and meta knowledge.

With recent trauma processing and system work, we’ve - or rather I guess I since I’m sure a large number of other parts already knew this- realized we are not a system of functional parts with a few hurting, disordered, and messed up parts, but that we are a very disordered, very hurt, very fucked up and messed up parts, with like.... two functioning parts. And I don’t mean functioning as in “are actually worth anything” but as in “is relatively good at integrating into society, looking only moderately mentally ill, having a life, having goals, and being decent at living and having enough positive affect and vision to keep a healthy positive ending in mind.”

Save for me and Lucille - and maybe Eva and Ray but they’re on the fence - no one else in this system really has much room for positive affect and interactions with the real world. Everyone else is considerably jaded about the world, stuck in trauma-mindset, jaded about themselves, and/or has abandoned “reality / the world” to live internally because they have given up on existence. 

And you know “that’s the whole point of you” is really rough to think about until you really do kind of think about how literally, it is a very large and important purpose to have. Sure you aren’t killing monsters and dealing with the “hard reality” of the abuse, but you are sitting out there protecting a sense of hope, future, happiness and humanity so that when survival is over, you can actually have a chance of living again. Being able to remain “innocent” and unmarred by the trauma and reality of what has happened, has allowed us to maintain a drive to still be alive and to value ourselves and others in the world despite all that we have gone through.

I’m a dumb idiot that doesn’t know half of the reality of what we’ve been through, but I’m also one of the only ones here who can see the world without the blood-tainted lenses that trauma has given everyone else and actually give the system something to work for and an idealistic image of what could be. I am not rooted in “our reality” and “our truth” but I am rooted closer to what the world actually is and believing a lot more that things can and should be better for us because what happened to us was an unfortunate unlucky situation that we didn’t deserve, and that there is a chance that our luck could turn around and we could be like others.

Since Moon Knight started, I’ve been of the theory and idea that Steven exists and acts as the life Marc wishes he could have and could lead - having a normal job (even if its a shitty minimum wage) and to build relationships and to have the joy be coming home to a handicapped fish - and I still stand by it. That’s a life Marc can’t make for himself because of his PTSD symptoms and his self hate and his overall fear and hypervigilance, but Steven - Steven who managed to remain primarily unaware of the trauma that has happened is still capable to lead that life for them.

Steven could start and build a happier life that they always wanted because he isn’t aware of their bleeding and damage. He can get help, create something they need to get them somewhere better, by just not knowing how badly hurt they are.

There’s a massive strength, and a massive importance in being an “innocent fluff ball” and still having goodness and hope despite horrible things having happened. Steven’s not an uwu baby, he’s just a guy living as “a guy” when his life and history has dictated that he should be “broken”.

Anyways, I’m just rambling and arguably (probably) projecting, but this episode has lived rent free in my head on repeat for like 50-60 hours and I have thoughts.

[pyroclastic727]

Owl House said fuck capitalism

So this episode was interesting. Lilith pretty much killed her sister. Why the fuck would she do that?

Even more interesting: why is Belos like that? How did Hooty put his head through one of those guards? Who the fuck is the Titan, and why does everyone like him? And how are these all tied together?

This episode was a metaphor for capitalism

...and another delicious step towards radicalizing the youth into dismantling this fucked-up neo-feudal system.

We’ll start with Belos. 

Emperor Belos is a weird name, don’t you think? We all thought it was spelled “Bellows,” but it wasn’t. In fact, it’s five letters, starts with Be, ends with os, and describes a megalomaniac emperor that restricts people’s freedom in order to accumulate wealth for himself.

Sound familiar?

Emperor Bezos Belos created capitalism. He saw the beauty of magic and decided to make himself the most powerful.

Belos created a system that destroys the masses and boosts his power.

 I’m dipping into fan theory a little, because the fan theory fits. We know that people get branded with coven magic that makes it so they can only specialize in one area. We know that Belos is the most powerful witch in the Boiling Isles. We know that the excess magic, magic created by restrictions, has to go somewhere.

It’s the same system that many viewers see all the time. A job takes up all your day and tires you for the night, so you can only do one skill for the rest of your life. Jeff Bezos is the most powerful man in the United States. Excess money, money taken by restrictions, has to go somewhere.

The magic goes to Belos, like how the money goes to Bezos. Belos created capitalism, and he won it.

The guards aren’t real. 

Look, we’ve never seen their faces. They’re all the same. Why would you work so hard to get to the top, just to become a nameless, faceless killing machine?

Oh, also Hooty stuck his face through one. There is nothing under the armor.

Why? Well, it’s the same reason you see all those celebrities going around flaunting their wealth and bragging about how hard they worked. Like all those songs about how they grind every day and work harder than everyone else while you’re out clubbing, and that makes them dope. And then you take a closer look at them and see that they had a small loan of a million dollars fueling them, or an entire talent agency behind them, or their dad was a famous country star in the 80′s. 

They’re fake. They’re hollow. They’re a ploy created by the capitalist emperor to try to delude you into working harder. 

Let me put this into perspective. I guarantee that every single one of you has heard stuff like this: “Hard work makes you successful.” “I put in the work, and that’s why I’m successful.” “If you work hard enough, then you can be as successful as Mark Zuckerberg.” 

And unless you’re a robot or really lucky, I’m sure all of you have failed at this. Maybe they told you that hard work would make you good at math, so you spent 22 hours a week working on calculus, only to pass it by 3 percentage points and have it destroy your perfect 4.0 GPA. Maybe they told you that if you talked to people enough, then you would make friends, so you spent a lot of time talking to people, only to end up lonely and friendless. Maybe they told you that if you did well in school, you would get a good job, so you spent all your time working hard to be a good student, and then ended up in a soulless, dead-end job.

The guards are there to delude you. Look, who really gains from you being productive? The answer is the ruling class, the CEOs, the government, the bourgeoisie. It has always been that. All you get from working is a paycheck that lets you survive. They get a paycheck that lets them get rich. Just like Belos gets the magic and productivity of the specialized coven witches.

The guards are there to trick you. The truth is that nobody can join the Emperor’s Coven. It’s just there to make you think that hard work will make you successful. Then you spend your entire life working hard, trying to prove to the person in charge that you’re worthwhile. You give your whole life to the Coven, and they give you nothing. 

Magic is supposed to be something you pursue for fun. Being skilled at things, being good at something beautiful...that’s supposed to be something you do because you want to. But they took that and made it into a source of productivity. It doesn’t matter if you make good content. All people fucking care about is if you upload the day of premiere, if you make a lot of content quickly, if you maintain a million different conversations with strangers who expect you to be the most interesting person in the room. They don’t care how it hurts you. They don’t care how you crack from the stress. How you cry when you think no one can see you, and then you check your phone and someone can see you, someone did see you, and you have to put on your face and be the charming, magnetic person they want you to be. (oh by the way that’s why I wasn’t online much last week)

And it ruins it. Suddenly you can’t watch The Owl House without being stressed. You can’t make any content. You can’t make spells as powerfully as you want to. Your passion is replaced by perfectionism and insecurity, a voice telling you to keep being the best at what you do, or else they’ll forget you and let you die.

There’s also the Titan. 

So nobody has mentioned him before, because in addition to the Boiling Isles being a hellscape full of witchcraft and queerness, it’s also full of atheists. 

But suddenly we have people saying all this shit about him? Shit like, he gave witches the gift of magic, and then they learned to use it in a civilized manner, since being uncivilized was disrespectful?

I mean, first off, that’s fucking wrong. The island gives people magic. The island, which just so happened to be shaped like a titan-sized human. But the island/titan gives everyone all types of magic. Hell, even Luz gets to use magic, and she’s human. 

It sounds really fucking familiar. (tw for discussion of homophobia and colonialism and misogyny). It sounds like when the news is on and they show some Tr*mp supporter talking about how fetuses have more rights than people and it is their holy duty to take away a woman’s control over her body and force her through unbearable pain and into an 18-year commitment she didn’t want to make. It sounds like all the times people tried to say homosexuality should be illegal, citing a single line in a book written two thousand years ago and heavily edited by a European king. It sounds like all the times people said God wanted them to conquer, to own the entire earth, to force the other races into pain to support them.

This is that bullshit thing people do where they commit awful sins and justify it by citing the will of God. 

Or, it’s the Coven using religion as an excuse for evil.

Look, the Emperor’s Coven is clearly colonizer-coded. Saying that people’s original form of magic was wild (and showing a picture with the same joyous, rowdy energy of an 18th or 19th -century Black or indigenous party), and that it was God’s will for them to be “civilized?” Sounds like that thing that powerful white people did where they went and murdered people and forced them into their twisted capitalist system. God, gold, and glory, is what they said, because history books just love to omit the gore.

Lilith is passing the abuse cycle along. 

You know, like a good little colonizer. God I fucking hate her. She’s a MILF, in the sense that she’s a Mother I’d Like to Fling off a cliff. 

Ah, enough screaming about how much I want to drown Lilith in a tub of Hooty’s mucus. Let’s go into why I want to do that, and how she took the evils of capitalism and just...adopted those.

So, Lilith is sick and twisted for what she did to her sister. But, uhh, that’s the point. You see, there are so many other people out there like Lilith who would do the exact same thing, if given the chance. These are the people who do mean things when the teacher isn’t looking, and then act nice and try to frame you. These are the people who will hate you if you’re better than them. These are people who would do anything to bring you down, if you dare outperform them.

It’s greed, my friends. The mental illness that capitalism blesses us all with.

Lilith herself said it: she dedicated her entire life to the Coven. What she wanted was to be the best. And she almost was...except for her own sister. Someone who lived with her, annoyed her at home, bested her at school. Someone she could never beat, no matter how hard she worked. And her sister was younger than her, too! How insulting was that? Lilith wanted to be the best, and someone in her exact situation did better than her.

Lilith was insecure. And it consumed her.

But why? Why does insecurity consume her? I mean, no one can be motivated by insecurity forever. Well, not unless someone conditions it into you.

The lovely thing about the capitalist system is the morals it teaches you. Things like: “You’re only useful if you’re the best.” “Being school smart makes you smart, while being social smart or sports smart or creative smart or fandom smart is worthless.” “Your worth can be quantified by numbers and is based off arbitrary measures like your income or your grades.” Things that can and will drive us crazy if we let ourselves believe them.

And it did drive Lilith crazy. She got so twisted by a society that said being good at magic is her only worth. Look, Lilith used to be good at things, probably. She was good at sports. At times, she slips up and does an okay job of being Eda’s sister. She has a powerful presence when she’s in a room. And she’s wicked good at manipulating people. 

But that didn’t matter. Lilith bought into the lies. She let herself believe that magical skill was the only way to measure her worth. And since she needed to be the best, she hurt Eda for it.

The beautiful thing is, Eda didn’t buy that. "It’s my power, kid. And before you showed up, I spent my whole life wasting it.” Is what Eda said, as she used up the last of her power, the last of her life, to save Luz. In her final moments, she proved that she’s not like them. She’s stronger than them.

None of this matters. Not magical prowess. Not the hierarchy. Not the promise of joining the Coven and having more power than anyone else.

The only thing that matters to Eda is her family. Her real family. Her Luz, King, and Hooty. And by extension, Willow, Gus, and Amity. Those are Eda’s real reason for fighting, for dying: to protect them. Look, there’s no way she would’ve come out of that fight alive. She has a family, and her love for them is stronger than greed or jealousy or capitalism. 

Lilith never understood that. She thought the water of the womb was thicker than the blood of the covenant. Or, that the water of the womb and the blood of the covenant are stronger than the bonds of found family. She thought it didn’t matter if Eda loved, her, only if the Emperor loved her. Fucking bitch.

And now, a little something to worry about, before we go. Amity Blight. The girl who wanted to join the Emperor’s Coven more than anything, who dedicated her whole life to doing well in school, to being the best, to being perfect.

And then she met Luz. She fell for Luz. Now she’s in a tricky place, where habit and conditioning want her to join the Emperor’s Coven, but her heart wants her to do the impossible and destroy capitalism.

She wasn’t in this episode. Funny that being injured and unable to work ended up saving her from watching her future mother-in-law die. So she bought some time.

But Luz’s true mom is dead. This is the second mom she has lost, and she’s only fourteen. As powerful as King and Hooty are, Luz needs Amity. Luz needs Amity to support her and help her get back her mom.

So Amity has to make a choice. Fear and insecurity, or love and a high chance of death? 

She’ll probably choose death. Because that’s the message that this family-friendly show is giving us kids. Fuck capitalism. All you need in life is to do what makes you happy and be with the ones you love.

[c-is-for-circinate]

Thinking today about viruses, allergies, oppression, and anti culture.

(under a cut because WHOOOPS this got long)

Racism is a virus. Homophobia, transphobia, sexism, antisemitism, ableism, etc etc etc, they are all viruses--a topic that many of us have learned a great deal about in the past year. They are ideas, yes, not literal physical diseases, but the analogy holds up. They are infectious, and often spread from person to person without anyone involved realizing they have it. They can sit latent for years, never showing up because the carrier never finds themselves in a situation where the issue comes up, only to flare up and take over when you least expect it. And they mutate, just like the flu, just like the common cold; they put on a new jacket every year and slide in undetected yet again, slip past our internal sensors and bury themselves in our brains until we go in and deal with them as best as we can.

One more thing we've learned about viruses this year is how we can fight them. The viruses of oppression are a little different because they tend to hurt the people around their carriers even more than the people they've infected (although let's talk about internalized anything-ism sometime), but in a lot of ways the attack is the same. You treat the symptoms even when you don't know how to cure the disease: we invest in respirators, antiviral treatments, hospitals; we create and sponsor programs to help those who've been hurt by various oppressions, we uplift our neighbors, we try to keep people safe from violences both big and small. You work to stop the spread: we wear our goddamn masks, we stay home when we can; we train ourselves not to say racist shit that might foster a culture of hate, we stop that guy in our office from making rape jokes, we make slurs unacceptable. You pay attention to your immune system: we seek medical attention when we experience symptoms, we get COVID tests, we talk to our doctors before the symptoms get deadly; we protest and we pay attention to the people who do, we take them seriously when they tell us that something is wrong.

You vaccinate. We train ourselves and our immune systems to recognize the thing that infects us, the thing that we fear. We try to teach our children about history, bit by little bit, on fragments of dead violence the same way we train our bodies on dead virus shells, so that someday they'll recognize the live disease when they see it. We learn about slavery and Jim Crow and the Holocaust. We tell kids bedtime stories about why hitting and bullying is bad, before we ever start teaching them the specific shapes that violence so often takes. As we get older, as we get stronger, we learn about the living stuff, all the new forms that same old virus has mutated into; we educate ourselves, we listen, we read. Just like vaccines, of course, there are anti-vaxxers and denialists shouting about how racism and sexism are already dead and they don't need any propoganda besides Fox News. Hell, just like anti-maskers, there are plenty of people screaming about how political correctness is ruining the world and they demand their right to spread their virus to anyone they can. Often these are the same people.

But we try. And make no mistake, we all of us are already infected, and just like a real virus, once you've caught it once it probably won't ever go away again--but we can prepare, and we can try to lessen the severity of our cases, and we can support our immune systems of activists and protesters and our own internal sense of this is wrong, and we can work, bit by bit, if not towards eradication (not yet, not in this world, but maybe someday in another), then at least towards control.

And then there's allergies.

An allergy is what happens when a human body's own immune system freaks out over an enemy that wasn't particularly harmful in the first place. All our immune defenses--those precious immune defenses, which work so hard to protect us against all those viral, deadly ideas--go screaming into high gear. All of that fear and fury and attack power gets brought to bear all at once, against a bit of pollen or bee venom or cat dander or peanuts, and your body is left itchy and runny-nosed and gasping--sometimes literally--as it tries to keep up. Allergies are miserable. Sometimes they're life-threatening. And the biggest danger isn't the foreign agent that triggers the allergic reaction; it's the immune system trying to fight it in the first place.

Which, yes, brings us to anti culture--but not JUST anti culture. It's a good example, a little internet-centric microcosm of the same force that drives progressives to tear bloody shreds out of moderate liberal politicians. Hell, it's the same force that enables both TERFs and the Capitol rioters. It's a combination of an immune system that points in the wrong direction, flagging the wrong thing as bad, terrifying, danger, NO, and a freaked-out response that can manifest as anything from mildly irritating to absolutely deadly.

To be clear, I am not by any means equating the scale or even the source of these things, any more than hayfever is the same as anaphylactic shock. Likewise, the sources are different. Sometimes, a disease can infect an immune system and point it in the wrong direction. (Terror of the other is the absolute cornerstone of white nationalism, and when that terror gets triggered by a harmless environmental condition like, god forbid, other people asking for rights, the allergy response can be deadly.) Other times, it's the other way around. Our internal immune systems, so well trained to protect ourselves and those around us from the insidious viral ravages of prejudice and oppression, start seeing traces of it everywhere.

And they freak out. And we suffer for it.

We talk a lot of well-deserved shit about TERFs, but it's useful to remember how much their nastiness feels to them like activism. Their immune system, trained and primed and sensitized over years of exposure to misogyny and sexism, catches the tiniest whiff of something that might seem at some point to have possibly been taken for male, and freaks out, because why is that trying to get into our system. Never mind that they're wrong. An immune system that flips out over penicillin is wrong, too. It's still trying to help, and it's still doing more harm than good trying it.

So bringing this back around to anti culture, which was absolutely where I started thinking about all of this this morning: anti culture, the terror of porn and the attempt by antis to protect themselves an other people from sexual content, is an immune response. It is a trained immune response, in people who have been taught and re-taught again and again that rape culture is a dangerous insidious virus that should be fought at all costs. And, right, there's more than a bit of 'the sexism virus infected this immune system and reprogrammed it to fight itself' involved here, but look, we are all of us infected with all of the viruses at least a little bit everywhere. If we tried to direct our immune systems to rip every last shred of -ism out of every last bit of us, we'd rip ourselves apart. Which is exactly the problem.

Porn, in and of itself, is natural. As natural as environmental pollen, and living near dogs and cats, and eating wheat or nuts or citrus fruit. It's even healthy, for a whole host of reasons that belong in another essay. And citric acid and nut-based proteins and whole grains are nutritious, and pets are physically and psychologically helpful, and being exposed to lots of different environmental substances as a child can actually help train your immune system in the first place. Porn can help us figure out what we like. It can help us figure out what we don't like. And while the processes that create it are sometimes unethical and awful, we don't condemn all dogs because puppy mills and dogfighting rings exist, even if we do have dog allergies.

What we see in anti culture is often a good-faith attempt on the part of antis to attack and subdue an environmental trigger that they read as dangerous. It's a panic attack over something that is by nature harmless or mildly harmful, blown out of proportion by the very instincts that are supposed to keep us safe. It's the response of an immune system that's been taught over years and years, by everyone from parents to school systems to the activists they look up to, that negative stimulus is to be feared, avoided, and fought. Of COURSE they're going to freak out.

And of course, early exposure to controlled amounts of allergens can help prevent later allergies from developing. Of course when kids are raised with abstinence-only education, sheltered from the very concept of sex, they're going to grow up allergic to it. (Of course they're going to try to protect other kids from the same, like worried mothers who refuse to let peanuts or wheat products or dirt near their precious babies, whose kids grow up with a whole suite of allergic triggers because their bodies never learned what was okay in the first place.) And no, that doesn't mean we hand pornography to ten-year-olds any more than we should give raw honey to an infant--but of course if our culture refuses to introduce kids to the fact that sex and desire and the inside of their own brain can be messy and silly and kinky and downright weird, we're going to have a higher rate of allergic reaction to the entire concept in adults.

I wish I had a better answer for what to do with understanding that this is what's going through so many people's brains. The best I have is a prescription for allergy-sufferers, who probably haven't read this far through this wordspew of an essay in the first place--but we all get a little hayfever once in a while, and we all sometimes run into content that makes us angry. So some thoughts on how to deal with metaphorical allergic reactions, inspired by the ways we deal with literal ones?

First: we recognize that what is happening is an allergy. The thing we're reacting to might be gross, or irritating, or even unpleasant, but the danger is not and never has been the thing itself. Whether it's triggering a response because of its similarity to an actively dangerous pathogen, or our immune system just doesn't like it, our aversion to one kind of story or another universally says more about us than about it. Luckily, we have a lot more control over our social responses than our biological ones!!! If vocal activism is our sociocultural immune system firing itself up to fight an infection that may or may not exist, then we get to tell our metaphorical white blood cells to stand down. We get to decide.

Second: we get some space. The funny thing about allergies is, while early exposure to allergens can help prevent them, re-exposing yourself to dangerous allergens after you've already developed a reaction to them can make them worse. Anaphylaxis is always more likely after someone's experienced it the first time. Repeated exposure to triggers, whether biological or psychological, can make the effects worse. So stop exposing yourself.

If something makes your throat itch every time you eat it, stop eating it. If something makes you mad every time you read it, stop reading it. Obviously this can be easier said than done in a world that's a lot worse about warning labels on stories than ingredients labels on foods, but that's why fic tags exist. And: sometimes, the croissant is delicious enough that we decide we're willing to suffer through the way the almonds make us feel, just this once. Sometimes the ship or the characterization or, hell, those other kinks that we really like are tasty enough that we'll put up with the trope we hate. We're allowed to do that. But we do it knowing there will be consequences, and we don't blame the baker when they hit.

We also don't have to blame ourselves. It sucks to be allergic to shellfish when all your friends are raving about the new seafood place. But that's not our fault any more than it's theirs.

Third: sometimes, if we need one, we go to the doctor. Or a therapist. Yes, really.

Not because there's anything really wrong with an aversion or even mild breakouts of hives, annoyance, and bitching in your friends' DMs--but it sure isn't pleasant, and sometimes your doctor might have a better solution than 'avoid it and take a Benadryl' that makes you feel a little better in the long run. And sometimes, it's not a mild breakout. Sometimes it's the kind of story that lingers with you for days, makes your skin crawl; sometimes your throat swells up and it gets hard to breathe. Sometimes we get angry enough about something we've read that we can't stand down our immune system, don't want to stop ourselves from writing that angry comment, that tumblr post, that abuse report to the mods for something that didn't actually break any rules. And that's dangerous, because when our immune response can flare out of control like that, we don't always know where and when it will happen next, and the risk of what we'll do if it happens gets way, way higher.

Sometimes it really is worth getting a second opinion. Sometimes you need somebody to tell you, "actually, it is not normal to get tingly and sweaty every time you eat potatoes." There are ways to train your brain and leash your white blood cells that I sure as heck am not expert enough to address. There are, it turns out, ways to feel better. There are ways to mitigate the damage your own well-meaning defense mechanisms might do to yourself or other people along the way.

And: we can take a deep breath when someone with an allergy to something we've baked, something we've written, something we like, is lashing out trying to protect themselves and everyone around them from something they've registered as a threat. Of course they're wrong. Yes, we told them there were tree nuts in the brownies ahead of time; yes, they chose to eat them anyway. But it can be worth reminding them and ourselves that there's a difference between "this thing is toxic" and "this harmless thing has driven my own system into a defensive response that sure makes it feel like I've been poisoned." And it can be worth reminding ourselves as well as them that sometimes, that difference can be really hard to spot.

[moonlitarcticfoxnebula]

Thoughts

So, I was typing in my (digital) journal when this came to me. It is important, and I think some of you need to read it, especially the artists out there. It’s long, but please, take the time to read it at some point. Well, here you go:

One part of me just wants to stay here forever, and another part wants to be as far away as possible, in a different universe. I wish I could just enter my own time zone where some of the stuff I want to be real is real, and I could live that life as long as I’d like. I’d then want to just come back at the exact time I left. That way, I could do both. Stay in the moment and go away. Stay and have adventures. Seek shelter from the real world and enter one with more adversities but also more fun. Break the time-space continuum and teleport elsewhere entirely. Not death. Definitely not death. The universes of my dreams, my imagination. Where time stays the same, and I can live carefree. Never grow older. Never enter a boring routine just to earn green paper. I don’t want green paper to be absolutely everything in my life. I don’t want to be controlled by it. I want to be free. Free of responsibilities. Free of pressure and oppression. Maybe those worlds from books are difficult, but they are also fun. The adventures bring fun. Life is complex but also overall fun. Why is everything we want influenced by money? We are oppressed into everyday routines that cause stress and anxiety. I want to soar free, be above this. Not everything we learn comes from school. It comes from experiences, feelings, and emotions. How did Newton discover gravity? He wasn’t in a classroom, focusing on what would later bring money. No, he was outside, by an apple tree. Did Shakespeare make poems for school? No, he poured his heart and feelings in lines and stanzas. Maybe Newton studied gravity after wondering how the apple fell and hit his head. He did this from simple curiosity, though. He wanted to know how it worked. He developed a natural sense of curiosity. Many people don’t like school. Why? Some people do. Who knows, maybe those people’s interest in school burns out from stress? Maybe the flame of motivation continues from dedication to others or through determination. Still, there are so many people out there who think school isn’t necessary. Learning some of the same things over and over throughout the years. Why does it matter to us? As children, we all felt curiosity, didn’t we? Why is the sky blue? How does day become night? How does love work, and why does it happen? We want to know more. How things work, why they are the way they are. What would happen if the world turned on its head, and it didn’t work that way? We made experiments and learned from them. Attempting to talk was experimenting a language, the feel of words. So why do many people begin to hate learning? We are forced to learn what they want us to learn. They try making us who they want us to be. Who? Society. So many people are trying to ‘fix’ or change us. Who we are. Some people’s creativity just runs out after people tell them it’s not important. Maybe they tell them to become doctors, nurses, or something of the sort. Why? Money. They think people without money don’t have lives. We cut trees, and give what we make out of it to people who ‘deserve’ it more. That’s not true. Does an actor deserve more money than a loving single mother? Just because people all over the world recognize you if you were on a piece of paper and not the mother? School. Why do we go to school? Money. Yet, you need to pay in order to get an education and get paid. Why do we shut down people who want to sing, dance, or create something so that they can receive money? Well, maybe they aren’t any good at it. How did Thomas Edison make the first working light bulb? Did he think he just wasn’t good at making stuff and give up on his dream of creating something helpful? What about Einstein? They all focused on their dreams and did what they dreamed of. They were curious. Sometimes, different people are curious about different things. Yet, we all want to teach them the exact same thing. Maybe one of them likes and is interested in the way we create color and how to define beauty. Maybe the other likes English and Math class. Yet, we almost always shut down the color kid and lean towards the kid who likes math. We give the kid who likes color a big fat F because he doesn’t like Math and English and doesn’t pay attention to them. Yet, you give the other kid an A and congratulate them. Over time, the other kid shuts down his creativity, because, hey, no one appreciates it anyways. They say he won’t get anywhere with color. Now, they have to do the same thing as the other kid. They pay attention, and get an A. They congratulate him on it. Why couldn’t they congratulate him on reaching his dreams and goals instead? On growing in something he likes? His happiness? They want him to make money. Still, these are just kids, and they don’t understand why they have to do this, isn’t money just paper? Later, they’ll get it. Will they still be happy? Maybe they became an engineer. Not that they wanted to. They would rather paint, no matter how badly it looked. It was colorful. It made them happy. Why? Why does society do this? Maybe money was created in order to organize ourselves and create a system. Those that worked hard would earn more money. Right? No. Some people are born rich. Yet, the people that need it most in order to do what they wish don’t have it a lot of the time. Wouldn’t we rather be free and be creative and curious in our own ways? Why do we need money? Why is it important? What doesn’t make you happy shouldn’t be important. Those that have money but are unhappy, why don’t they do what makes them happy? Maybe it doesn’t even involve much money. We could be generous, and give it to those whose dreams require money? Those who want to go to a four-year university to become an engineer. To those that really want to become an engineer? Is our imagination really that useless? That it doesn’t deserve any credit? That’s not right. The Wright brothers were creative. How would they get the idea of a flying machine otherwise? Do we all want a boring routine? Maybe we shouldn’t be lazy, but we should do what makes us happy without being lazy. Maybe it’s art, writing, reading, drawing, sports, inventions, math, finding out the way things work, exploring, etc. It’s important to find out who we are, isn’t it? Work on it. Don’t let anyone tell you creativity is less important than math. Do what makes you happy. Creativity is important. Stay curious. Create the universes you want. Stay happy. Become happy. Be yourself. We’ve all heard these a million times, maybe we thought they were stupid. They are important. Love yourself. Dream big. Don’t let anyone tell you who you are or what you like is insignificant. It’s not. You are important. We don’t need to rely on money for a happy life. We just need to find ourselves and the people who will always be there to love and support us. Live, laugh, love. Peace.

Thanks to those who decided to hear me out.

[voltrontranscript]

VLD S6E7: Defender of All Universes

Season 6 Episode 7: Defender of All Universes

Transcript by @dragonofyang

Summary: The fight to save the universe rages on in the heart of Daibazaal’s ruins, where each clash weakens the fabric of reality a little more. In the rift between realities, a choice must be made, and then again when the universe begins to fracture due to the damage wrought by Sincline and Voltron.

[Google Doc]

Keith: Coran, you’ve got incoming.

Keith: Shield! Hunk, form cannon!

Hunk: You got it!

Lance: He’s too fast!

Keith: Then we’ll have to get in close. Form sword!

Lotor: Now we will see how Alfor’s legacy stands against the new Altean defender.

Keith: Move! Shield up!

Keith: Attack!

Pidge: We can’t touch him. He’s too fast!

Hunk: We need to stop him from moving around, back him into a corner or something.

Keith: Hunk is right. We have to eliminate his speed advantage. Limit his movements. There! Now we lure him in close.

Keith: Wait for him. Let him build up speed. Now!

Hunk: Where’d he go?

Pidge: He’s behind us!

Keith: Hunk, hit him with the shoulder cannon!

Hunk: On it!

Keith: Fire!

Lance: Did we get him?

Hunk: I don’t know.

Lance: I think we got him.

Pidge: It looked like he just disappeared.

Lance: Yeah! We got him.

Allura: I’m not so sure.

[Brief flash to the Castleship’s infirmary.]

Keith: Is everyone okay?

Pidge: How is he moving so fast?

Keith: We’ve gotta get up and attack.

Lance: Okay, so that time we definitely did not get him.

Hunk: How can he just disappear like that?

Allura: He’s entering the quintessence field at will.

Hunk: Didn’t we blow up the gate?

Pidge: How is he entering without it?

Allura: Because I gave his ships the ability.

Lotor: Unlimited power is mine. All realities will fall to the new Altean Empire!

Keith: We have to go in after him. Getting power from the quintessence is the only way we can match his strength.

Hunk: Can we do that?

Pidge: If he can do it, Voltron can. Can’t we?

Allura: My father did it once before, but it’s extremely dangerous.

Lance: Do we have a choice?

Keith: We need your help, Allura. We have to try.

Allura: I may be able to guide us in, but I’ll need you all to focus your energy.

Allura: Form sword.

Allura: Huh?

Lance: Woah.

Lotor: I underestimated you, Princess.

Pidge: We took a major shot, but I feel fine.

Hunk: All this quintessence is keeping us at full power.

Keith: It’s more than that. Can you hear your lions talking to you? Voltron is capable of more than we ever imagined.

Keith: Attack!

Pidge: See if you can dodge this!

Lance: Come and get some!

Pidge: Let’s end this!

Lance: Finish him!

Hunk: Let’s destroy that guy!

Allura: We have to get out of here.

Keith: What are you talking about?

Allura: This is exactly what happened to Zarkon. Exposure to all this quintessence turned him into a monster!

Lotor: Poor Allura! All the power in the universe at your fingertips and you still fear using it!

Lance: Allura’s right. We’re out of control!

Pidge: All our systems are overloaded.

Keith: Here comes Lotor!

Hunk: How do we stop this?

Allura: We give Lotor all the power he wants.

Keith: Let’s grab Lotor and get out of here.

Pidge: No, we can’t. We have to leave now.

Allura: We must try.

Hunk: Pidge is right. We stay in here much longer and Voltron is done for.

Allura: But we can’t just leave him!

Lance: Allura, we gotta go now!

Keith: Lotor’s made his choice. Let’s get out of here, Allura.

Allura: If we’d stayed in the quintessence field, we would’ve kept fighting until we destroyed ourselves. Just like Lotor.

Keith: What did you do in there?

Allura: I transferred the excess power from Voltron. It’s a technique I learned on Oriande. Thanks to Lotor.

Lance: Thank you, Allura. You saved us.

Hunk: Not just us. The entire universe.

Coran: Oh, you’re back!

Keith: Lotor is no longer a threat.

Coran: Right. I’m afraid we face a bigger threat now. All of Lotor’s jumping in and out of the quintessence field has created multiple growing rifts in the fabric of time and space.

Lance: What does that mean?

Pidge: It means that unless we do something fast, those tears will continue to expand until all of existence as we know it has been destroyed.

Keith: There has to be something we can do.

Pidge: Scanning the rift for any strand refabrication possibilities.

Hunk: I’m running a few different models now to see if there’s any chance it could close on its own.

Pidge: Nothing.

Hunk: Nope. Me neither.

Keith: How long do we have?

Coran: Well, based on the way those rifts are expanding, I’d say about fifteen doboshes.

Lance: Allura, you have to have a way to close it. Voltron opened it up, maybe we can… I don’t know, but there’s gotta be a way!

Allura: I’m sorry, but I just don’t possess that level of alchemic knowledge.

Pidge: The only thing that could possibly pull that rift closed would be a source of gravity more powerful than a supermassive black hole.

Lance: Any chance we could find one and tow it over here in fifteen doboshes?

Coran: Wait a tick. The teludav!

Keith: What about it?

Coran: In order to make wormhole jumps, the teludav creates a brief flash of infinite mass. There might be a way I can overload the teludav reactor and seal the rift. If one of the flashes went off in the rift, it could do the job.

Hunk: But that would mean sacrificing the Castle of Lions.

Pidge: Well, what choice do we have? The castle will be wiped out with the rest of us.

Hunk: But still… it’s been our home.

Coran: Oh, I hate to say goodbye to my grandfather’s creation, the last piece of the real Altea.

Allura: Coran, begin preparations. Everyone else, start unloading the castle. We need to evacuate immediately.

[Montage of the characters loading up the lions with their essentials, ending with Coran standing at the castle bridge.]

Coran: Goodbye, old friend.

[Cut to the Paladins in their lions.]

Hunk: It worked!

Allura: You did it, Coran.

Hunk: And look.

Keith: What is it?

Hunk: It’s a diamond. The pressure crushed the Castle of Lions into this little diamond.

Lance: Well, we saved all realities everywhere. What do you guys wanna do now?

Keith: We need to find someplace to land and see if there’s some way we can help Shiro.

[Scene change to a mostly barren planet in an unnamed solar system.]

Keith: This body is barely living, but Shiro’s spirit is alive. It’s inside the Black Lion. I’ve heard him talking to me.

Lance: He… he tried to tell me, but I didn’t realize. I’m so sorry, Shiro. I--I didn’t know. I could’ve…

Shiro: You found me.

Keith: We’re glad you’re back, Shiro.

Allura: Rest.

Hunk: So what’re we gonna do? The castle is destroyed.

Pidge: There’s only one place that has the plans necessary to build a replacement for the Castle of Lions. Coran gave them to my dad.

Keith: We’re going home.

End.

[floralkittygambler]

RadioDust is the Healthiest Toxic Ship for Angel so far

@honesthazbinarchives​ Briefly. I’d like to go into this more in the future BUT these are the main points I said I’d do. Heh ‘stay tuned’ for why HuskerDust is toxic [haaaa funny fuckin reference n shit like Viv herself aint overdone it]. Yer dont even wanna know the lack of enthusiasm in tryna do a playful ‘cringetopia’ joke - wasnt as fun as anticipated. Anyfuckinways, the shit. Before we begin, disclaimers n whatnot, no hate intended, dni if you’re a bit of a knobhead [either stan or extreme anti], an all that nonsense. I dont own the characters no shit.  In this I’ll discuss how RadioDust aka SpiDEER (thats right, yer stuck w my shit humour now) is both the healthiest ship for Angel we’ve seen so far but still rather toxic. Idc if you hate me for it but dont fuckin waste yer time telling me. Great. I dont care. Yer fuckin hard n whatnot for harassin strangers online. Big dick energy to you. This will be slightly messy, my apologies, it’s a quick summary of many points.

Alright. Firstly, out of the entire male cast Angel interacts with over all platforms, Al is given a fair bit of mercy in terms of sexual advances. In fact, a swift ‘no’ and Angel doesn’t do it again - unlike most of the other cast [pent’s is covert, husks is overt]. One thing I like is that Angel himself admits to their chemistry (claiming that whilst he thinks Al’s a prick, he thinks Al dislikes him which saddens him as he’d at least like to be friends as he feels they have good chemistry - according to the VA via Hunicast’s 1yr anniversary), there’s no further efforts to jump on his dick but a clear curiosity/interest in what Al can do.  Lets go to the basics, both are of similar age [allegedly in their 30s, though Ive heard Al may be up to mid 40s] as well as created near the same-ISH time (as in, Viv’s oldest characters, at least for HH). Likewise, Viv admitted to knowing fuck all on either of their eras (and to make that public wasn’t really a wise choice BUUUT if you felt the need, it’s better worded with interest “Right now I’m working towards educating myself more on their time periods to improve their portrayals” <-- crucial if yer want that ‘realism’). Because of their real-world ages, Viv confesses they’re her favourites (even if you didnt know, she makes it pretty clear). It could be a nice ‘homage’ to their impact in her life but not too relevant otherwise. It could fulfil the need for self indulgence that she’s unhealthily leaking into the canon - which will ultimately make the series shit. No sugarcoating there.  As for their ages, a relationship can work whether the gap is large or small HOWEVER there are many ethics and conflicts to each. And being an adult into kids is always fucked up. With that being said, studies have shown that closer ages often work better due to the often similarities in mindset, maturity and life goals (older folks are more likely to want to settle, younger often have more ambitions), likewise there tends to be an unbalanced power-dynamic if the ages are too far, which can lead to various types of abuse. Dont get me wrong, being with someone much older (AS LONG AS NONE OF YALL ARE KIDS) very much CAN work - but rarely. There’s much more hardwork needed as well as being in the right mindset for both, otherwise it’s bad. More on that in HD. Long story short, both are closer in age meaning both are more ‘relatable’ to one another. There’s common grounds, even in the eras there’s some higher understanding of one another. Notice how Vaggie and Charlie are similar in age? (Even though Charlie is far older, her appearance and mentality for her race is on par with Vaggie’s, making it far more likely to work out positively) One of the most prominent out of all of this however is their actual interests. So listing; Both like action/chaos/having fun (often at the expense of others), both love cooking and can be food snobs in their own right, both have sadistic AND masochistic tendencies, Al likes performance and theatre whilst Angel loves *to* perform, on that last point Angel was very intrigued and enjoyed Al’s song number/performance naturally, both really enjoy pranks and both enjoy liquor (neither show an actual addiction, but rather an interest in social drinking - no dependencies on it). Again, close eras mean both have a higher probability of understanding the other and their lifestyles better. Both are high on appearance and love themselves, implying self confident mindset (healthy BUT the narcissism isnt) yet enough consideration for how they are viewed. On the parent system, one adores his mama whilst the other hates his pops.  Now Ive gone on about how they’re similar. But similarities ALONE is not enough. If it was, then fandom’s would be a lil more harmonious~ A HEALTHY relationship needs compatibility, POSITIVE conversation flow, common grounds, trust, openness and understanding. Even then, some people click and some just dont. It’s like how you can just hate someone for no reason. It just IS. Common grounds and similarity is scientifically proven to be attractive to someone - be it good or BAD. People are drawn to those like their parents in some way usually, likewise we look for people similar to ourselves (from our interests, to humour, beliefs, goals, etc). Science itself states that ‘opposites attract’ solemnly applies in the real world successfully. Though similiarity plays a large role, there has to be some differences too - that person is STILL an individual separate to yourself. Too similar and it’s boring. Too similar and you’ll do everything together without some ‘you’ time. Both Vaggie and Charlie have similar interests/hobbies in dance and music, yet still have enough differences to be identifiable when together. Vaggie is more grounded than Charlie. Charlie gives some optimism and fun to Vaggie. Remember, a partner does NOT complete you - that’s a toxic mindset when taken too seriously, You complete YOURSELF. Whether you have someone or not, you must feel complete in yourself as to not slip into toxic dependency on a lover - to become them, a shadow of them or feel like you’ve lost your identity without them. Sounds harsh but it’s true. Chaggie compliments each other without a dependency. You stand alone yet uplift one another. You don’t always agree but in the end you always have each other’s backs. Love is often butchered in a toxic light in the media.  So taking that into consideration, how does spideer work? Well, here’s some examples of good, bad and neutral: - Angel loves animals, Al fears/dislikes dogs. Perhaps Angel could assist him in overcoming this? - Al hates being touched, Angel dislikes being squeezed. Maybe this could help them reach an understanding... Or cause a rift? - Angel was the only one to break Al’s composure, either Angel is the *key* to delving further into Al’s more raw self... Or just another obVOXious pest? (yeah, I said it-) - Neither respect other’s boundaries, meaning both may fuel the other to be overly disrespectful in this area. Not good. - Angel is a sarky/sarcastic fuck, Al loves dry humour. Both seek amusement and chaos. In relationships one needs to see how conversation flows and in the hunicasts, both keep up some good as well as toxic banter. Both could roast the fuck out of an opponent however. - Al is acro/ace, Angel is hypersexual (appears like a sex addict - now I say this as his book has a crossed out ‘fun stuff’ with ‘work shit’ written on it. He’s always fixed on sex from his job to his humour), this could either aid Angel ease up on the sex stuff OR make him overly push it onto Al causing major rifts and discomfort (aces can have sex, ref to ace posts that real asexuals put to understand more but no one wants to be forced into sex is the point here). And we’ve already discussed their lack of respect for boundaries. The positive is that maybe this will make Angel understand how Val is rubbing off on his own behaviour towards men [again, more on that in the HD post]. - Both similar yet different in a way that does suit their compatibility chances but that doesnt mean they will click, it just improves the odds. - Both have similar enemies in Val and Vox, they’re on common terms. Likewise, Al is against the ‘sexual deviance’ of hell meaning he may be oddly supportive and protective of Angel in terms of Val. I dont even think his sadism will override this either. - Al dislikes modern tech, Angel seems to use it as his job requires it. A nice little menial difference. - Only ONE is an addict. Take it from an expert, you NEVER put two addicts together. They’re very vulnerable and prone to slipping deeper into their addictions as well as depending on each other too much that they essentially become very clingy, suffocating and toxic to each other. Seen it in action, it’s ugly.  - Both could have a lot of fun and calm moments with each other. - He isn’t immediately smitten with Al but immediately shows a natural interest in Al’s powers and performance, embracing it openly. Leads for a good friendship turned lovers plot. - In Viv’s patreon, she confirmed Angel loves confident guys [sounds exactly like Al] We need to think about where both are mentally. What benefits would a relationship give both? How would they be good and bad for each other? For Al, aside from his outdated views and being a fucking murderer and narcissist, he actually seems in a good mindspace for a relationship IF he opted to be in one. Angel however has a very immature mindset, likewise is in a phase of life where hes bed hopping. IF he were to be in a relationship, I’d say he needs a male equivalent of Cherri - someone with a similar mindset yet some differences, willing to have fun and in touch with their younger side, down to cuddle, open to share and receive love as well as not afraid to publicly be affectionate with him, someone who sees him as more than just for sex, someone fun, someone who’ll let him embrace his cutesy side publicly without shame - Cherri is younger so maybe someone who’s his age or slightly younger perhaps? I think Angel’s not retirement home ready to settle and needs someone on his level that can cuddle and chill as well as feels free and youthful enough to go wild with him. In one sense, he’s got a teen girl sorta mindset (dont put him with a teen though, it’s fuckin weird-). He needs someone positive and raw, someone to let him be himself as well as someone comfortable to be themselves around him. He has a habit of latching onto unobtainable men (in psychology, this is self sabotaging subconsciously): Travis the client, Val a pimp, Husk (emotionally unavailable and needs HEAVY self work - interestingly far more than Angel - plus he’s still onto his last relationship and an addict to gambling and alcohol), Pent who’s the enemy he was currently fighting (inappropriate timing), Alastor who’s not interested in another but his own needs [selfish, VERY bad for a relationship]. Subconsciously he’s self sabotaging on purpose. There’s many psychology books as well as sources online for this, if you’re interested. Either way, Angel is drawn to men either like his father [who dislike him, shun him, or are otherwise cold, abusive or just blatantly dislike or otherwise dont care about him] or anyone with money to fuel his drug addiction/’debt’ to Val. Going with any of these men isn’t a good idea.  Preferably, Angel needs someone who he doesnt immediately crush and obsess over. Someone who he doesnt sexually harass or assault. Someone he can build a connection with quickly that can bud into romance (think how Chaggie started as a friendship which clicked immediately). Maybe even someone he doesn’t expect to fall for but does so anyways. It would be more realistic as Viv wants as well as more healthy. That for once he isnt sex or money craved instantly, thus doesnt sexually harass/assault and is given a proper chance to develop and grow a friendship and love. Someone who isnt an addict.  Someone with an on-par mindset where they click. Someone open to love. For any chance of a good relationship, Angel needs to be with anyone BUT who we’ve already seen. There’s too much toxicity that’ll be swept under the rug and justified otherwise. Too much shit to fuel homophobes in terms of gay stereotypes. Even though Ive focused a fair bit on Angel, it’s NOT just about Angel. That’s something fans forget. Some he depends on or someone who depends on him in the long term wont last and will be very dangerous to both.  Just because you suffer, you dont then deserve to be rewarded with ‘something nice’. You dont get to have everything youve ever wanted. Giving him any of these blokes [minus Val] gives him a pass. Gives him what he wants. I get Viv loves him but life doesnt work that way. True lasting growth comes from learning that. Acceptance and growth. You dont get everything you want and sometimes thats a GOOD thing. He’s not a spoilt kid who gets everything he asks for, he’s YOUR creation. If you really wanted what your creations deserve then you need to research and be realistic with it. Because hes starting to feel like a shitty Gary-Stu at this rate. I live with an ‘Angel Dust’ like person. It used to feel like life gave her everything and most times it did. Everyone loved her and she could get away with murder if she wanted to. But now she’s had to struggle and grow, let go of some ‘wants’ because they werent good for her and she’s becoming better for it. She has a long way but she’s more humble for it now [still got self confidence but it’s less narcissism now, which is more healthy for her]. Also, they make the word anal lol

[faelapis]

@babybeetlebongos asked me whether i thought more “forgiving media” like SU will not be looked fondly upon by history because it’s not as “violent” as your spops or your gravity falls, and i had a lot of thoughts about that. tw for discussion of real-life politics, hopefully with enough sensitivity to explain where i’m coming from without being extremely tacky. i’ll probably fail, and i’m very open to criticism here, but i’ll try.

many people conflate healing with violence, and change with punishment. i don’t think they’re right about that, i think some people mischaracterize where SU would fall within “the politics of the moment” in the short term, even though SU takes the much more long-term, “cultures actually need to change over time, and there’s reasons people are the way they are that are bigger than the individual, and nobody will change if you don’t give them reasons to think that the future includes them rather than punishes them for sociological phenomenon outside any individual’s control”.

because the thing is, systemic change and “punishing the bad guys” aren’t actually the same thing. they’re sometimes related, but they don’t have to be. i think the “peaceful vs violent protest” debate has obscured another debate altogether - which is individualism vs structuralism.

individualism posits that, infamously, there’s “no such thing as society”, we are all individuals and we are all accountable for our actions. we have perfectly free will, so therefore, anything we do can and should be used against us. 

structuralism posits that actually, we Do live in a society, and what we can and cannot do is extremely limited to our environments. everyone are shaped by their upbringings, socioeconomic status, culture, social norms, et cetera, and therefore, it’s more important to change society than to punish/reward individuals. our responsibility is collective, not just to ourselves. the point isn’t who is “bad”, the point is that society is the reason why many internalize bad beliefs, and that’s what we need to work on - it’s a collective failing that we haven’t, and we all need to take responsibility for *each other*.

and i think a lot of people who pretend to be for systemic change would settle for punishing their abusers, when it should really be the other way around. i really hate “individualistic leftism”, as a structural leftist myself.

to take the current political example, which, yes, i know is tacky and not the point, but it was what prompted the discussion so i think i have no choice but to address what the discussion actually became - defund the police is more important, imo, than punishing individual officers. one is transformational change on a large scale that actually makes life better for people. the other... is really just venting / individualizing things, as if it would fix anything. to me, the fix is not about punishing the bad guys, it’s changing the system as a whole.

i understand the idea of "why not both", i'm not against that, but i try to be consistently against individualistic framing. thinking punishing individuals fixes systems is equally a shitty liberal mindset as thinking that things will go “back to normal” once trump is out of office. it just has an edgier, more violent spin. 

and that’s what bothers me about the framing of media like spop or gravity falls as the “good, revolutionary” media to SU’s “bad, reformist :(” media lens. it’s really reductive, and it makes that key prioritization that “punishment > change”, which is a very conservative mindset. 

SU actually changes the system. the diamonds are no longer in power, and there is no hierarchy. everyone are slowly changing to find themselves in a world where everyone equally has the chance to do so. gravity falls and spop gets rid of the bad guy on top and thinks that fixes everything. to those latter shows, the status quo was actually fine, we just needed to get rid of the bad people. to SU, it’s the opposite - we can’t expect getting rid of the “bad guys” to “fix everything” (that’s what rose tried to do w/pink), because the sociological cultural norms of gemkind means that they’re taught to love the diamonds. so if you just kill them, you become their bad guys (the way everyone reacted to “killing” pink). you have to have the compassion to understand that to these people, this idolization is normal, and dismantle that normal without condemning the people as a whole. 

but that’s not as sexy as “valid to kill anyone who does The Bad Things. having revenge fantasies about punishing your abusers = good leftist praxis. we fix things by punishing individuals for social issues beyond their control”.

and what’s sad about that mindset is that it often, actually, doesn’t think things can truly get better. nothing that happened in spop stops more shadow weavers from popping up, because the sociological conditions that lead to abuse haven’t been dealt with. it doesn’t seem to think it CAN be proactively prevented, only punished once the children are already scarred.

SU is a lot more... hopeful yet deterministic, in a way? as in, it thinks about (and cares about) how we are influenced by each other. it wants to achieve social equality so that those power relationships don’t exist to influence us in negative ways anymore. with the understanding that nobody is above those influences (not even the “good” privileged people like steven*). whereas spop - and gravity falls - are very much not that. they are individualistic. you kill the bad guys on top and that solves eeeeverything. no cultures need to change. they just need to be intimidated into knowing the “good” people are on top now and obeying them.

(*future is basically saying there’s no good diamond to replace the bad ones, and nobody should be "on top”. it hurts everyone - the same way the expectations of patriarchy hurts everyone. we’ve molded the ones on top into thinking they must and should take responsibility for everything, when that is neither good nor realistic. we’re all, collectively, responsible for healing the traumatized & creating equal relationships. and we can’t do that by individual reward & punishment. as much as that would validate some people’s anger.)

and those people? they’re ultimately just venting their feelings. which is fine. many have been told that their personal anger is something to be demonized, so they vent by engaging in these validation circle-jerks about how good and important it is to be angry. and then many think they’re woke leftists FOR being angry, rather than anger being a personal emotion without inherent good or evil.

many of them have people who’ve hurt them personally that they want to hurt back, or they just wanna make sure to condemn the Bad People so nobody will think they side with or excuse the bad people. the idea is that somebody needs to hurt. so we just gotta make sure it’s the “right” people.

maybe one day, they will realize that actually, social issues are bigger than individuals - and this goes both ways. it can’t just mean “and so we can’t blame the poor, disadvantaged for not being A+ students”, it must also mean “and so dismantling cishet privilege is more important than punishing individual, ignorant cishet people”. that’s the only way to be consistently sociological in your framing.

we don’t decide our upbringings, social norms, who are demonized/deified by society, or who has unjust amounts of power. we’re shaped by our environments, and so, it’s more important to change those environments (and undo those power structures) than to kill individuals we consider particularly heinous. punishing those individuals will not lead to social change. it never has. people generally don’t think they have to change because others were made “examples” of. they revel in being in a “battle”. people like having a fixed bad guy to fight. cops like the power & sympathy it gives them.

the current protests... aren’t even “violent”, in the spop or gravity falls sense. they’re just... property damage and collective direct action, which is much more targeted at dismantling the system than to punish individuals. they’re not really violent. people aren’t killing individual cops, they’re demanding that THE SYSTEM AS A WHOLE change. its cop culture that’s bad, it doesn’t matter if the individual cop is good or bad. ACAB because the system sucks. even if you try to be a “good” cop, you’re likely to be fired for speaking up, because the whole culture is awful.

this is kinda similar to something SU is saying - changing the system is more important than figuring out who “the bad people” are and killing them. people think they’re doing the right thing, but ultimately, the structures around them are making them think the hierarchies they’re in are just. it’s the whole of cop culture that needs to change, and maybe the idea of cops in general is a bad one. the system is the problem, and it’s bigger than any individual... which in turn means, or SHOULD mean, that the system can be destroyed and the individuals within it can change, because they’re not really “the problem”. the idea of putting the individual responsible offers behind bars is a fine one, but... it’s more symbolic than truly transformational. the true transformation would be to defund the police. 

i know these media comparisons are inherently tacky. they are. anyone who thinks that is more important than what’s going on irl is being shitty about it. you should be donating, protesting, doing a million more important irl things.

but these tacky comparisons ARE happening, and some people do think “liking the right media” is praxis, so... if you really wanna fit gravity falls or spop into this, the analogy would be more akin to like. defeating the biggest, scariest cop, and thinking that’s somehow gonna change policing as an institution. or thinking that someone killing trump will make all the police & right-wingers go away.

basically, it’s conflating your vengeance with true change. it’s spitting on the leftist value of universal compassion in the face of the sociological nature of reality, in which Everyone are influenced by their privileges and lack thereof in ways that are bigger than individual circumstances (and thus can’t be undone by individual punishment), and so we’re all responsible. but you’d rather not be - because you’d rather see the right people burn than focus your anger at the world and at challenging yourself and your own privileges. 

[jonthethinker]

Alright, this is going to be a long post, but I like Critical Role a lot, so here goes.

Something to consider as the new CR Discourse boils over: fandom discourse is no substitute for activism, and if your emotions are so wrapped up in it that you feel enraged with a righteous fury or utterly devastated by a development in certain aspects of your favorite entertainment product, you may need to back away.

I understand what’s going through the heads of the people on both sides of this discourse. Critical Role feels like this safe place to feel a little less alienated and depressed about the world we live in. This is the same for many entertainment products. The people seem so open and fun and accepting, and we just layer all of these feelings and expectations on people we don’t have an actual personal connection to in real life, because we’ve spent so much time watching and listening to them and come to feel like we know them and are connected to them more that we actually are.

I get it. In this world we have very little in the way of actual power. Most of the power we have is what products we choose to consume, and so in a roundabout way, what you consume become a moralistic decision; you can be considered a bad person for listening to a certain podcast, or disliking certain characters, or having certain opinions on celebrities. We come to focus more on what people think than what they do.

There’s this quote by a civil rights leader named Stokley Carmichael I think about everyday that goes, “If a white man wants to lynch me, that's his problem. If he's got the power to lynch me, that's my problem. Racism is not a question of attitude; it's a question of power.“

I have come to believe this is true about everything; racism, sexism, religious bigotry, homophobia, transphobia, classism. All the major problems of our world are caused because certain groups have power to dis-empower and harm others with little to no consequence. This isn’t because of the group they belong to, but because they have that power in the first place. It may be an unpopular notion, but I believe that if you went through history and reversed every power dynamic the other way around, you’d still have the same situation. If women had the power men have had for all of history, misandry and in this case matriarchy would probably be just as bad as misogyny and patriarchy are in our current world. The problem isn’t the group, it’s the power.

So you have these folks online, who in real life are probably alienated and exhausted and depressed and they turn to an entertainment property to make themselves feel a little better and make it through the day, and in this instance, it’s Critical Role. And because everyone’s morality is all wrapped up the products they consume instead of the actions they take, it is Capital G Good to watch Critical Role. I mean, they support the charity, and say the nice things, and seem so fun and genuine, and so they are Good.

But then a problem arises. One of the Cast says or does something that goes against what they like. Maybe this is another in a long list of things they have done that have been deemed Problematic by certain sectors of the community. And seeing as these people have so little power in their lives, to demand better wages at work, more consideration from the halls of power, more protections from the many harms inflicted upon them by those with more power, they decide enough is enough. They don’t have the power to change their material circumstances, but if they can join forces with enough like-minded people online, they can perhaps forcibly remove the Problematic Element through social pressure, or at the very least, harass the person they don’t like into one hell of a headache.

But alas, there are others in the fandom community, here to save the day. They too see themselves as Good for consuming the Critical Role product, and they may very well like this thing suddenly labeled Problematic. And you see, it can’t really be problematic, because they like it, you see, and they are Good People, who only consume the Good Things, and if some aspect of this were Problematic, it wouldn’t be Good anymore, and that, in their minds, is a flat out impossibility. The Goodness of Critical Role, and by extension their Goodness for liking it, is at stake. That just won’t do.

So this second group proceeds to scold and harass the other group in mass, bitterness seeps in deeper, trenches are dug, and a fandom is further divided, its members further alienated, and everyone hates everyone else just a little bit more. In one fell swoop, the world is a little worse, and a little harder to navigate, all because some well meaning folks wanted to protect what is Good by using the power they have.

Critical Role is a show made by well meaning, upper-middle class white professionals who live in the Los Angeles suburbs. They seem to have a lot of compassion for others, I wouldn’t deny them that, but they make this product to make money. That is what it is for. They may try to do some Good with it, but that Goodness is going to be shaped by their well meaning upper-middle class white perspective, and all the blindspots that entails, and at the end of the day, if it didn’t make them money directly or indirectly, they would stop doing it, regardless of the Good they could do.

This does not make them Bad, and I’m not suggesting so. We live in a Capitalist society. We all want to be able to live comfortable lives with our dignity intact, and under Capitialism, in order to do that, you have to make money. So that’s what they do. I have empathy for that motive. As I do for Critters who want to hold them accountable with what power they have to Be Better, as I do for the Critters who hold those Critters accountable with the Power they have, and so on and so on. We all want to be Good. I just don’t think this is how you’re really going to do it.

I don’t care what products you consume. There is no ethical consumption under Capitalism. You’re going to be hard pressed to find a product in the world that doesn’t involve someone being exploited or tricked somewhere along its production or consumption (and while you can and should seek out those that do the least harm where you reasonably can within your means, it is unavoidable under our current system to avoid benefiting from someone’s exploitation). As much as it hurts me to say this, it is almost certainly true for Critical Role as well. And that is a hard pill to swallow. Especially if you’ve based your entire identity on consuming the Good products, instead of the Bad ones. This is why I don’t care about the products you consume, I care about how you use your power, however big or small. That is what defines you. Not your ships. Not your faves. Your actions.

There is a real hunger to do good in this community. I see it all the time. Think of all the charity drives CR has handily met the targets of. That desire is real, and it’s beautiful. I am here simply to encourage another avenue besides online discourse for you all to act upon all those good intentions. There are many organizations and political bodies that would love your In Real Life support, that will simultaneously allow you to do good and build real connections with the people around you in your own communities, and start the delicate, difficult process of empowering the dis-empowered and holding the powerful to account.

And I know you may feel tired and beaten down, anxious and depressed, socially-limited and uncouth in comparison to what you imagine the members of these organizations to be. But I promise you all of them started out feeling the same way. It is through those efforts that you can truly do good instead of just feel good, and create a purposeful, meaningful life for yourself along the way.

It is through solidarity and cooperation towards mutual goals that we make this world more livable for ourselves and the most vulnerable among us, not bitter infighting and petty online squabbling. Maybe I come off as an a real ass for saying all of this, and for that I’m sorry. I don’t mean to or want to hurt anyone. I too just want to do good, and maybe this will help, in some small way.

Don’t forget to love each other.

[newproletarians]

new proletarians

Alright, so I’m feeling a few things. I’m angry and confused at the world and my place in it, and I don’t want to lose sight of my heart. The reason that’s even on the table is that I feel—in a very real, day-to-day sense—the urge to just let it callous over with grey boogers, or whatever callouses over the hearts of Squidwards everywhere. Regular old life can do that to a devastating degree, but so can the usual suspects—things like real trauma and tragedy. I’d like to say I’ve experienced a little of both at this point in my young life, but I’m still fighting the calcification of my heart. Let’s hope that in just throwing my brain at the proverbial wall, some things stick that are worth sticking. Maybe my clarity can also be yours, reader. Maybe we can snuggle up with ourselves tonight, content that we know what the fuck is going on in the world, and smugly abstain from that which our friends could never imagine abstaining from, and which we’ve known we’ve needed to abstain from for decades. Whatever. It’s wordy. It’s a fucking blog, future me. They’re supposed to contain words. Also, maybe, if I’m writing a blog where the over 50% of the audience is myself, writing it is supposed to feel at least a little similar to masturbating.

Where to begin? Well, let’s start with this: I am a college-educated youth who attended what’s commonly referred to as the best public university in the world. I received a rolled up piece of paper symbolizing a degree on a stage with other students and professors a year and a half ago. So it’s recent. And right off the bat, in my young adulthood, I have a chip on my shoulder, having that big qualifier of “public.” I went to the world’s fanciest college... for the proletariat. What does that mean? For me, this brings to mind a lot of issues having to do with the distribution of wealth in the United States, in addition to what the hell is going on economically here and in the world—but that’s something to get into later. The more pressing issue is what the hell the role of a college-educated young person is today. DFW pretty succinctly laid out an idea of what that could be in his famous address. His point was basically that college (specifically, a liberal arts education) gives you the critical thinking skills necessary to be able to get through life under capitalism (or whatever you want to call the current regime) without going crazy. I think we can do better than that. Also, fuck it, I’m giving myself permission to be temporarily pissed off, because fuck that, dude. I know that rage isn’t always an indicator of fruitful conversation, but I gotta let some steam out somewhere. I’m sure that it’ll only lead to me being better down the line. God—I am pissed. About how we’re deciding to go about talking through issues we’re having as a society (on Twitter, but also in comments sections and in NY Times articles). I have so much anger, I’m just now realizing, and I need to process it without stupidly burning myself out on it. It’s a subject for later, and not what we’re talking about right now. Right now, we’re talking about the role of the college-educated youth today. I think we’re getting somewhere, too. I don’t think the role of the college-educated youth in today’s scenario is to correct their friends and families, nor is it to Tweet about how embarrassing, vulgar, or otherwise horrible stupid people are—however embarrassing, vulgar, or otherwise horrible they may be. The role, to me, has to do with learning this stuff. Learning about systems of power, systems of abuse (many of which hum merrily along in universities—looking at you, Searl. [My anger, you guide me, but you also lead me astray]).Staying ON POINT. The way it has to do with these things is that today’s C.E.Y. needs to notice them, understand them, then DO something about them. There are, for instance, things that we learn about privilege and prejudice in university that we may be tempted to hurl at our elders back home as insults. Our jobs, as young students, are to be sexy, fashionable, charismatic stewards of the new age. Instead of yelling at our parents about being racist, we should, say, intervene in a subtle way that guides rather than punishes. That preserves trust and connection in relationships while simultaneously doing our best to right centuries-old wrongs. But this is about so much more than that. Our role is about how we conduct ourselves as the nations intelligentsia. But that’s a question. I’m not answering it here, try as I might. I still don’t know how I feel about it. It stretches into all corners of life, this role. For instance, into several things in my life I’m mad about.

For instance, I kind of hate my closest loved ones. Oops. That’s where I’m at. Am I supposed to ignore these feelings? They’re there, they’ve been there, and if I know anything about our brains, it’s that feelings shouldn’t be ignored. That’s what dumb ass patriarchs think. The funniest/saddest part of that is that they, said dumb asses, tell themselves that suppressing their feelings is the manly thing to do. It’s honestly just the cowardly thing to do. Men are so afraid of confronting their feelings that they would rather go their entire life wearing a life three sizes too small than mention a thing about it. Anyway. They’re conditioned to feel this way by their surroundings. This—this is a great point that I would love to be a major takeaway here. The thing about being educated is that you’re aware of systems, that systems need to be changed. Fault the people who can change the systems, if anyone, but really, even they are just products of the system. The good thing is that, as a powerless mass of atomized society, we have been created by these systems knowing SOME things that are wrong with it. Now we, the crumbs of dust living in and created by the gargantuan grandfather clock of life, have the sentience necessary to band together and make switch out some gears. Picture a big hand of made of dust, fixing the clock. That’s us. That’s what the role of college educated students is today. But that’s not so much the point of this paragraph, so much is the fact that I kind of hate my closest loved ones—which feels so good to say. My best friends, for instance, are really rough individuals. One is an obvious, obnoxiously insecure, compulsive liar. He’s not super tall and weighs almost 300 pounds. It’s not nice to say this stuff, but the purpose of life isn’t to be nice about everybody all the time in your own head, or on your own anonymous blog. He alienates everyone I bring him around with his bizarre persona. His insecurity is so deep that I shit you not, almost a majority of the interactions I’ve had with him would very reasonably get a “come on,” response from anyone. He has to create little talking points to make his life feel acceptable. He’s one of those people who constantly refers conversations back to their insecurities, and how they feel so secure about them, for this reason and that reason. It’s like, Christ, man. Come on. I feel a lot more ways about this, but I’m a little scared he’ll see this some day. I’m worried he’s going to die young, because he is extremely overweight. His doctor said he’s a few months away from a heart attack/stroke unless he takes immediate action, which it seemed like he was taking initially, but it doesn’t really seem like it anymore. I don’t know. The whole situation feels extremely choked by our inability to just communicate with our fucking words. And yes, I am sounding angry, I’m not actually this angry, but consider these the bubbles from a can of soda that’s been shaken. What will be left is the only-slightly-bubbled soda. That’ll come soon. For now, there are bubbles. New paragraph.

The point that I was trying and failing to get to in the previous paragraph is that I don’t like this guy. He has a lot of great qualities, and he’s certainly not a bad person to have in one’s life—as in, he’ll never cheat on his spouse, and he’ll always go the extra mile for his friends in a certain sense. But I don’t. I wish I could just talk to him about this weird, bizarre, fucking deal breaking shit, but I just can’t. Our communication is choked. I don’t think it’s his fault, though. I think it’s to do with overlapping systems of culture that make it difficult. Maybe. Maybe that’s not the point here, and the real point is just that I feel stuck in that situation. Moving on.

(TW: sexual assault)

Another friend is a fucking bona fide sexual assaulter. He practically got #metoo’d, on a personal level. His gf broke up with him because he sexually assaulted the female half of their best-friend-couple. He fingered her while sharing a bed with her and his gf, for some confusing reason. We talked about it and he gave me this wordy, bizarre, incongruent tale of what happened. It involved a LOT of details and qualifiers. When I talked to the dude half of the couple, the guy who was (and still is) with the woman who got assaulted, he said that my friend just straight up did a ton of nonconsensual shit. He also said that when his gf told other people, more people came forward saying this guy had been creepy to other women in their friend circle. This friend absolutely has a history of gaslighting and successfully avoiding trouble by forcing his way. I need to talk to him, but again, fucking choked. I have no ability to have any kind of “real talk” with him. We do not have a venue, and the prospect of confrontation is absolutely debilitating to the average WASP-y dude. Which brings us to our next situation.

I have a great friend I met in undergrad. She is very well-liked, and while I definitely don’t agree with everything she thinks, I really value her friendship. Her boyfriend is a fucking nightmare. Not really, honestly. There are actual nightmare boyfriends. This boyfriend is more of a waking nightmare. The kind of nightmare that becomes worse because it’s so hard to call out. It just keeps going. I’ve kept CLOSE track, and every SINGLE time I’ve hung out with them as a couple, this guy crosses the line. He says condescending, mean, weird, bizarre, shit that... there’s just no better way to say it than he crosses a line that normal people don’t cross. I haven’t counted, but we’ve probably hung out close to 30 times. Every time it happens, every time I give him another chance. I got a little counseling about this situation from a friend’s mom, just in casual conversation, and her advice was to figure out what in me upset me about this guy. At that point, I realized that what Eric Andre said is true: advice is stupid. Also, that I am not going to run my life based on what this person, who I previously looked up to in a god-like way when it came to relationships, says. I am going to figure it out on my own, because it seems like everybody’s solution to relationship issues is to never talk about them, or to have some kind of inner-peace solution that makes getting abused not suck so bad (looking at you, DFW). Ugh. Okay. Moving on, again. Because yep, there’s so, so much more. Again, asking questions here, not answering them.

Also, if you’re reading this and thinking “damn, bro, your life is boring,” that’s my point. This is just normal life. These are just normal people. This is the water we’re swimming in. It’s fucking tense, man. Living in the United States is tense.

I’m running out of steam at this point, but God damn it. My brothers are dick holes. And we’re great friends. They are guys who don’t ever cause a fuss, avoid confrontation at all costs, and are nothing but rewarded for it. Sometimes I think I have something to learn from them in that regard. But is that really the life we want to live? Just don’t communicate your issues? It’s just frustrating. They act superior to others, but are categorically unable to have an honest, undiplomatic conversation. They act superior to others, and are treated as superior. It feels a little like talking to robots, talking to them, decoding what they’re saying to ascertain how they may actually be feeling in a given moment. I have no idea how they feel about me. Or anything. I don’t even think they know or care. I think they just get by, and they’re rewarded for it.

Alright, moving right along. My dad. Damn do I want to not talk to that guy. I can’t talk about anything real with him. It’s like playing ping pong where the other person can only hit the ball if it goes where his paddle already is, and his paddle’s made out of glass. 

This is a sample of some real life issues I am dealing with, spoken as honestly as possible, as is evidenced by the rampant spelling and grammatical errors. College works into this as the thing that has given me recourse for dealing with this stuff. As a college educated youth, I can approach life in an informed, good way. This is life. Etc.

What am I walking away with? Well, I now know for sure that I have a lot of shit to work through. MAYBE more than one Tumblr post. Also, I guess I am proving that people still Tumbl in 2021. I am starting to really understand what the questions I have are. I think part of my issue stems from some feeling of being “out of the loop,” or having some natural, in-set outrage about not understand what’s going on, which was founded by years of being the same height as the people around me’s knees, being the youngest person in my family. Everyone around me were skyscraper people with adult conversations happening way up there. It’s a little imposter syndrome, I think, too. It comes from being the youngest, I think, too. Mixed with a natural sensitivity that I’ve noticed people like me have. 

My goal is to get better at living my life. That involves understanding how I want to live, it involves understanding what my values really are, thinking through them a little, and more. I think it’s really worth it. In the meantime, I am not a work in progress. I am a fucking careful, cool, bright, talented guy who is not perfect, but is working on it. And I am going to postpone making any big decisions about my personal life until I get some clarity.

I thought I’d get more to the subject of the new proletarians, which is something I was thinking about today when listening to Harmontown and asking myself questions about what college is for if it just makes us unemployable, debt-ridden, twitter douchers. Anyway. We’ll get to it again sometime.

This was nice. Let’s do this again sometime.

[things2mustdo]

In order for a nation to survive, two critical emotions must be controlled. Contrary to popular belief, these emotions are not fear and greed—although these are very important to control, as well. Rather, it’s masculine aggression and feminine vanity that must be controlled…and we are doing a terrible job at this.

Unfortunately, over the past 70 years, we’ve seen sex roles and gender dynamics completely turned on their heads. Rather than men and women working together to create better relationships, more functional families, and more powerful countries, we’ve been pit against one another by toxic ideologies and ruthless demagogues.

It is not enough to simply know what is happening, however—we must know precisely how it’s happening, step by step, and more importantly, WHY it’s happening. In this article, I will explore why our society has gone so downhill so fast, and potential solutions we can integrate to remedy it (if we can save it, at all).

The Two Forces

As I said previously, there are two very delicate forces which must constantly be counter-balancing one another, and anytime they grow unbalanced, there will be chaos. These two forces are, of course, masculine aggression and feminine vanity. Too much masculine aggression, and a country becomes war-torn, unable to run itself or stay stable long enough to produce any sort of civilization (think the Middle East).

Too much feminine vanity, however, and the opposite occurs. Men become reclusive, because women become far too difficult to deal with. This is why we’ve seen the rise of the sigma male over the past 20 years—men who refuse to attach themselves to any sort of social hierarchy. They’re not alpha, beta, or omega. They just do as they do, without adhering to any sort of social group or workplace hierarchy.

As feminine vanity grows excessive, female hypergamy is given reign to run loose. Rather than men and women developing healthy relationships with one another, women become so conceited that they refuse to “settle” for anyone less than an alpha male Chad Thundercock, and thus we have a surplus of angry, bitter women who hit the wall at 30 and end up childless and alone.

It’s so obvious that it should go without saying, that we are currently in a serious imbalance. For far too long, masculine aggression has been hampered and stomped down by our effeminate school system, our brainwashing devices (aka TV’s), and our mass media control system. All the while, these things have encouraged women to do as they please, without any consequences or thought of their actions on a larger, societal scale.

Restoring the Balance

Balance will be restored, one way or another. There are only two ways for this imbalance to possibly be restored, and most men here will acknowledge, at least implicitly, that this is the case:

Men in OTHER COUNTRIES restore the balance (by coming here en masse)

Men in THIS COUNTRY restore the balance (by not being pussies)

Those are the only two options. There is no third option, where women somehow magically stop giving men 500,000 shit tests a day and step down to become good, faithful girlfriends, wives, and mothers. This will not happen. When a society reaches this critical imbalance, only one of two things can happen.

Of course, we all know what the elites (oy vey!) are pushing for. They want to bring millions of aggressive, young, fighting-age men to this country, to supposedly help combat “population decline.” We all know that this is complete horse shit, and that their true motive is to destroy America.

Even so, with the full force of the elites raining down upon us, there is hope. Over the past two years, we’ve seen more masculine energy emerge and come to the front of our socio-political battlegrounds than arguably any other time in history. For the first time in the past 70 years, men are reclaiming their manhood.

Let me reiterate that this is the only option. There is no magical world where everything just works out great, where we have millions of violent, aggressive 20-something-year-old men come into this country, and we retain our values as an Anglo-Saxon country. No. This will not happen. We either get our acts together, collectively, as men, or we watch our nation burn.

The Path Forward (2018-2020)

The next two years are of critical importance. We have collectively, successfully memed the most brutally alpha and pro-American president into office arguably since Ronald Reagan. This is not an opportunity that we can afford to squander—we must all begin proactively restoring the balance of masculinity in this country, from the top down, otherwise our nation will perish to globalists and their dumb, but useful allies.

There will be resistance, as there is whenever masculinity tries to assert itself. Pay no attention to this resistance. Simply follow the advice which the manosphere advocates for:

Create an income independent of a massive, bureaucratic, globalist corporation

Increase your testosterone levels (start by avoiding foods that kill testosterone)

Lift weights, and become physically able to stand up for yourself

Proactively participate in the upcoming midterms, and the Presidential Election of 2020

Do everything you can to red pill those who are ready (emphasis on them being ready)

If we, collectively, as a group of thousands of like-minded men all across the nation can successfully pull this off, we will see a resurgence of economic, political, and social growth which will have been unprecedented.

If we do not pull it off however, and our nation succumbs to the manipulations of the elite, a far more grim and sinister future will play out.

The Alternative

If we do not successfully reclaim the balance of masculine aggression and feminine vanity in this country, all will be lost, and we will be forced to either live through hell, or leave our homelands. Here’s what to expect over the next decade or so, if a social justice warrior is elected President in 2020, and we lose the culture wars:

Increasing surveillance over the internet

More thought crime policies instituted into law

The figurative castration of men all across the country

Eventual race wars, or religious wars, spurred on primarily by Islamic migrants

This is non-negotiable. If we lose the culture wars to SJW’s over the next several years, we will begin to see lobbying to shut down any and all manosphere websites dedicated to spreading the truth. We have already seen PayPal, YouTube, Amazon, Facebook, Twitter, and Google begin to censor people like Roosh, Alex Jones, Donald Trump, and other conservative/red pilled speakers. We cannot afford to stand this any longer.

If we lose these mediums to the globalists, they will easily gain the support of the public to institute thought crime policies into our legal system. You have a book by Bronze Age Pervert, that Amazon can track from your order history? NAZI SCUM! You’re going to prison. It doesn’t matter that you didn’t actually hurt anyone in any way shape or form, because you had an opinion that the globalists dislike.

As this begins to happen, men will self-imprison all over the nation. Some will fight, of course, and maybe win (if we’re lucky). Others will leave and attempt to gain citizenship in more male-friendly countries such as Denmark, Austria, and Poland. The rest will be forced to hang their heads in perpetual shame.

Eventually, as the population of third world migrants explodes, and tribalism is exacerbated by the polarizing media, we will begin to see rampant terrorist attacks, which are already happening in Germany, The UK, and other nations around the cucked European Union. Inevitably, this will end in a civil war.

It’s Our Choice

I have presented to you the only two choices that we have, and to me, the decision is quite simple. We can either sit around passively, and squabble amongst ourselves over stupid theories and philosophies, or we can take action to better ourselves and improve the stance of our nation.

The choice is clear to me. We either succumb to globalist propaganda, see the death of masculinity in the West, and see freedom of speech die as it is destined to do, or we fight back and create a better future. Some may say this is melodramatic. I would say that a mere cursory glance at history will prove otherwise.

Read Next: Cultural Collapse Theory: The 7 Steps That Lead To A Complete Culture Decline

It was Joe’s first date with Mary. He asked her what she wanted in life and she replied, “I want to establish my career. That’s the most important thing to me right now.” Undeterred that she had no need for a man in her life, Joe entertained her with enough funny stories and cocky statements that she soon allowed him to lightly pet her forearm.

At the end of the date, he locked arms with her on the walk to the subway station, when two Middle Eastern men on scooter patrol accosted them and said they were forbidden to touch. “This is Sharia zone,” they said in heavily accented English, in front of a Halal butcher shop. Joe and Mary felt bad that they offended the two men, because they were trained in school to respect all religions but that of their ancestors. One of the first things they learned was that their white skin gave them extra privilege in life which must be consciously restrained at all times. Even if they happened to disagree with the two men, they could not verbally object because of anti-hate laws that would put them in jail for religious discrimination. They unlocked arms and maintained a distance of three feet from each other.

Unfortunately for Joe, Mary did not want to go out with him again, but seven years later he did receive a message from her on Facebook saying hello. She became vice president of a company, but could not find a man equal to her station since women now made 25% more than men on average. Joe had long left the country and moved to Thailand, where he married a young Thai girl and had three children. He had no plans on returning to his country, America.

If cultural collapse occurs in the way I will now describe, the above scenario will be the rule within a few decades. The Western world is being colonized in reverse, not by weapons or hard power, but through a combination of progressivism and low reproductive rates. These two factors will lead to a complete cultural collapse of many Western nations within the next 200 years. This theory will show the most likely mechanism that it will proceed in America, Canada, UK, Scandinavia, and Western Europe.

What Is A Cultural Collapse?

Cultural collapse is the decline, decay, or disappearance of a native population’s rituals, habits, interpersonal communication, relationships, art, and language. It coincides with a relative decline of population compared to outside groups. National identity and group identification will be lost while revisionist history will be applied to demonize or find fault with the native population. Cultural collapse is not to be confused with economic or state collapse. A nation that suffers from a cultural collapse can still be economically productive and have a working government.

First I will share a brief summary of the cultural collapse progression before explaining them in more detail. Then I will discuss where I see many countries along its path.

The Cultural Collapse Progression

1. Removal of religious narrative from people’s lives, replaced by a treadmill of scientific and technological “progress.”

2. Elimination of traditional sex roles through feminism, gender equality, political correctness, cultural Marxism, and socialism.

3. Delay or abstainment of family formation by women to pursue careerist lifestyles while men wait in confused limbo.

4. Decreasing birth rate among native population.

5. Government enactment of open immigration policies to prevent economic collapse.

6. Immigrant refusal to fully acclimate, forcing host culture to adopt external rituals and beliefs while being out-reproduced.

7. Natives becoming marginalized in their own country.

1. Removal of religious narrative

Religion has been a powerful restraint for millennia in preventing humans from pursuing their base desires and narcissistic tendencies so that they satisfy a god. Family formation is the central unit of most religions, possibly because children increase membership at zero marginal cost to the church (i.e. they don’t need to be recruited).

Religion may promote scientific ignorance, but it facilitates reproduction by giving people a narrative that places family near the center of their existence.[1] [2] [3] After the Enlightenment, the rapid advance of science and its logical but nihilistic explanations into the universe have removed the religious narrative and replaced it with an empty narrative of scientific progress, knowledge, and technology, which act as a restraint and hindrance to family formation, allowing people to pursue individual goals of wealth accumulation or hedonistic pleasure seeking.[4] As of now, there has not been a single non-religious population that has been able to reproduce above the death rate.[5]

Even though many people today claim to believe in god, they may not step inside a church but once or twice a year for special holidays. Religion went from being a lifestyle, a manual for living, to something that is thought about in passing.

2. Elimination of traditional sex roles

Once religion no longer plays a role in people’s lives, the stage is set to fracture male-female bonding. It is collectively attacked by several ideologies stemming from the beliefs of Cultural Marxist theory, which serve to accomplish one common end: destruction of the family unit so that citizens are dependent on the state. They achieve this goal through the marginalization of men and their role in society under the banner of “equality.”[6] With feminism pushed to the forefront of this umbrella movement, the drive for equality ends up being a power grab by women.[7] This attack is performed on a range of fronts:

medicating boys from a young age with ADHD drugs to eradicate displays of masculinity[8]

shaming of men for having direct sexual interest in attractive and fertile women

criminalization of normal male behavior by redefining some instances of consensual sex as rape[9]

imprisonment of unemployed fathers for non-payment of child support, rendering them destitute and unable to be a part of their children’s lives[10]

taxation of men at higher rates for redistribution to women[11] [12]

promotion of single mother and homosexual lifestyles over that of the nuclear family[13] [14]

The end result is that men, confused about their identify and averse to state punishment from sexual harassment, “date rape,” and divorce proceedings, make a rational decision to wait on the sidelines.[15] Women, still not happy with the increased power given to them, continue their assault on men by instructing them to “man up” into what has become an unfair deal—marriage. The elevation of women above men is allowed by corporations, which adopt “girl power” marketing to expand their consumer base and increase profits.[16] [17] Governments also allow it because it increases their tax revenue. Because there is money to be made with women working and becoming consumers, there is no effort by the elite to halt this development.

3. Women begin to place career above family

At the same time men are emasculated as mere “sperm donors,” women are encouraged to adopt the career goals, mannerisms, and competitive lifestyles of men, inevitably causing them to delay marriage, often into an age where they can no longer find suitable husbands who have more resources than themselves. [18] [19] [20] [21] The average woman will find it exceedingly difficult to balance career and family, and since she has no concern of getting “fired” from her family, who she may see as a hindrance to her career goals, she will devote an increasing proportion of time into her job.

Female income, in aggregate, will soon match or exceed that of men.[22] [23] [24] A key reason that women historically got married was to be economically provided for, but this reason will no longer persist and women will feel less pressure or motivation to marry. The burgeoning spinster population will simply be a money-making opportunity for corporations to market to an increasing population of lonely women. Cat and small dog sales will rise.

Women succumb to their primal sexual and materialistic urges to live the “Sex and the City” lifestyle full of fine dining, casual sex, technological bliss, and general gluttony without learning traditional household skills or feminine qualities that would make them attractive wives.[25] [26] Men adapt to careerist women in a rational way by doing the following:

to sate their natural sexual desires, men allow their income to lower since economic stability no longer provides a draw to women in their prime[27]

they mimic “alpha male” social behavior to get laid with women who, without having an urgent need for a man’s monetary resources to survive, can choose men based on confidence, aesthetics, and general entertainment value[28]

they withdraw into a world of video games and the internet, satisfying their own base desires for play and simulated hunting[29] [30]

Careerist women who decide to marry will do so in a hurried rush around 30 because they fear growing old alone, but since they are well past their fertility peak[31], they may find it difficult to reproduce. In the event of successful reproduction at such a later age, fewer children can be born before biological infertility, limiting family size compared to the historical past.

4. Birth rates decrease among native population

The stage is now set for the death rate to outstrip the birth rate. This creates a demographic cliff where there is a growing population of non-working elderly relative to able-bodied younger workers. Two problems result:

Not enough tax revenue is supplied by the working population in order to provide for the elderly’s medical and social retirement needs.[32] Borrowing can only temporarily maintain these entitlements.

Decrease of economic activity since more people are dying than buying.[33]

No modern nation has figured out how to substantially raise birth rates among native populations. The most successful effort has been done in France, but that has still kept the birth rate among French-born women just under the replacement rate (2.08 vs 2.1).[34] The easiest and fastest way to solve this double-edged problem is to promote mass immigration of non-elderly individuals who will work, spend, and procreate at rates greater than natives.[35]

A replenishing supply of births are necessary to create taxpayers, workers, entrepreneurs, and consumers in order to maintain the nation’s economic development.[36] While many claim that the planet is suffering from “overpopulation,” an economic collapse is inevitable for those countries who do not increase their population at steady rates.

5. Large influx of immigration

An aging population without youthful refilling will cause a scarcity of labor, increasing that labor’s price. Corporate elites will now lobby governments for immigration reform to relieve this upward pressure on wages.[37] [38] At the same time, the modern mantra of sustained GDP growth puts pressure on politicians for dissemination of favorable economic growth data to aid in their re-elections. The simplest way to increase GDP without innovation or development of industry is to expand the population. Both corporate and political elites now have their goals in alignment where the easiest solution becomes immigration.[39] [40]

While politicians hem and haw about designing permanent immigration policies, immigrants continue to settle within the nation.[41] The national birth rate problem is essentially solved overnight, as it’s much easier to drain third-world nations of its starry-eyed population with enticements of living in the first-world than it is to encourage the native women to reproduce. (Lateral immigration from one first-world nation to another is so relatively insignificant that the niche term ‘expatriation’ has been developed to describe it). Native women will show a stubborn resistance at any suggestion they should create families, much preferring a relatively responsibility-free lifestyle of sexual variety, casual internet dating via mobile apps, consumer excess, and comfortable high-paying jobs in air conditioned offices.[42] [43]

Immigrants will almost always come from societies that are more religious and, in the case of Islam with regard to European immigration, far more scientifically primitive and rigid in its customs.[44]

6. Sanitization of host culture coincides with increase in immigrant power

While many adult immigrants will feel gracious at the opportunity to live in a more prosperous nation, others will soon feel resentment that they are forced to work menial jobs in a country that is far more expensive than their own.[45] [46] [47] [48] [49] The majority of them remain in lower economic classes, living in poor “immigrant communities” where they can speak their own language, find their own homeland foods, and follow their own customs or religion.

Instead of breaking out of their foreigner communities, immigrants seek to expand it by organizing. They form local groups and civic organizations to teach natives better ways to understand and serve immigrant populations. They will be eager to publicize cases where immigrants have been insulted by insensitive natives or treated unfairly by police authorities in the case of petty crime.[50] [51] [52] [53] [54] [55] School curriculums may be changed to promote diversity or multiculturalism, at great expense to the native culture.[56] Concessions will be made not to offend immigrants.[57] A continual stream of outrages will be found and this will feed the power of the organizations and create a state within a state where native elites become fearful of applying laws to immigrants.[58]

7. Destruction of native culture

This step has not yet happened in any first-world nation, so I will predict it based on logically extending known events I have already described.

Local elites will give lip service to immigrant groups for votes but will be slow to give them real state or economic power. Citizenship rules may even be tightened to prevent immigrants from being elected. The elites will be mostly insulated from the cultural crises in their isolated communities, private schools, and social clubs, where they can continue to incubate their own sub-culture without outside influence. At the same time, they will make speeches and enact polices to force native citizens to accept multiculturalism and blind immigration. Anti-hate and anti-discrimination laws will be more vigorously enforced than other more serious crimes. Police will monitor social networking to identify those who make statements against protected classes.

Cultural decline begins in earnest when the natives feel shame or guilt for who they are, their history, their way of life, and where their ancestors came from. They will let immigrant groups criticize their customs without protest, or they simply embrace immigrant customs instead with religious conversion and interethnic marriages. Nationalistic pride will be condemned as a “far-right” phenomenon and popular nationalistic politicians will be compared to Hitler. Natives learn the art of self-censorship, limiting the range of their speech and expressions, and soon only the elderly can speak the truths of the cultural decline while a younger multiculturalist within earshot attributes such frankness to senility or racist nostalgia.

With the already entrenched environment of political correctness (see stage 2), the local culture becomes a sort of “world” culture that can be declared tolerant and progressive as long as there is a lack of criticism against immigrants, multiculturalism, and their combined influence. All cultural identity will eventually be lost, and to be “American” or “British,” for example, will no longer have modern meaning from a sociological perspective. Native traditions will be eradicated and a cultural mixing will take place where citizens from one world nation will be nearly identical in behavior, thought, and consumer tastes to citizens of another. Once a collapse occurs, it cannot be reversed. The nation’s cultural heritage will be forever lost.

I want to now take a brief look at six different countries and see where they are along the cultural collapse progression…

Russia

This is an interesting case because, up to recently, we saw very low birth rates not due to progressive ideals but from a rough transition to capitalism in the 1990’s and a high male mortality from alcoholism.[59] [60] To help sustain its population, Russia is readily accepting immigrants from Central Asian regions, treating them like second-class citizens and refusing to make any accommodations away from the ethnic Russian way of life. Even police authorities turn a blind eye when local skinhead groups attack immigrants.[61] In addition, Russia has also shown no tolerance to homosexual or progressive groups,[62] stunting their negative effects upon the culture. The birth rate has risen in recent years to levels seen in Western Europe but it’s still not above the death rate. Russia will see a population collapse before a cultural one.

Likelihood of 50-year cultural collapse: Very low

Brazil

We’re seeing rapid movement through stages 2 and 3, where progressive ideology based on the American model is becoming adopted and a large poor population ensure progressive politicians will continue to remain in power with promises of economic redistribution.[63] [64] [65] Within 15 years we should see a sharp drop in birth rates and a relaxation of immigration laws.

Likelihood of 50-year cultural collapse: Moderate

America

Some could argue that America is currently experiencing a cultural collapse. It always had a fragile culture because of its immigrant foundings, but immigrants of the past (including my own parents) rapidly acclimated into the host culture to create a sense of national pride around an ethic of hard work and shared democratic values. This is being eroded as a fem-centric culture rises in its place, with its focus on trends, celebrities, homosexuality, multiculturalism, and male-bashing. Natives have become pleasure seekers with little inclination to reproduction during their years of peak fertility.[66]

Likelihood of 50-year cultural collapse: Very high

England

While America always had high amounts of immigration, and therefore a system of integration, England is newer to the game. In the past 20 years, they have massively ramped up their immigration efforts.[67] A visit to London will confirm that the native British are slowly becoming minorities, with their iconic red telephone booths left undisturbed purely for tourist photo opportunities. Approximately 5% of the English population is now Muslim.[68] Instead of acclimatizing, they are achieving early success in creating zones with Sharia law.[69] The English elite, in response, is jailing natives under stringent anti-race laws.[70] England had a highly successful immigration story with Polish immigrants who eagerly acclimated to English culture, but have opened the doors to other peoples who don’t want to integrate.[71]

Likelihood of 50-year cultural collapse: Very high

Sweden

Sweden is experiencing a similar immigration situation to England, but they possess a higher amount of self-shame and white guilt. Instead of allowing immigrants who could work in the Swedish economy, they are encouraging migration of asylum seekers who have been made destitute by war. These immigrants enter Sweden and immediately receive social benefits. In effect, Sweden is welcoming the least economically productive people in the world.[72] The immigrants will produce little or no economic benefit, and may even worsen Sweden’s economy. Immigrants are turning some parts of Sweden, such as the Rosengard area of Malmo, into a ghetto.[73]

Likelihood of 50-year cultural collapse: Very high

Poland

From my one and half years of living in Poland, I have seen a moderate level of progressive ideological creep, careerism among women, hedonism, and idolation of Western values, particularly out of England, where a large percentage of the Polish population have emigrated for work. Younger Poles may not act much different from their Western counterparts in their party lifestyle behavior, but there nonetheless remains a tenuous maintenance of traditional sex roles. Women of fertile age are pursuing relationships over one-night stands, but careerism is causing them to stall family formation. This puts a downward pressure on birth rates, which stems from significant numbers of fertile young women emigrating to countries like the UK and USA, along with continued economic uncertainties faced from transitioning to capitalism[74]. As Europe’s “least multicultural” nation, Poland has long been hesitant to accept immigrants, but this has recently changed and they are encouraging migrants.[75]  To its credit, it is seeking first-world entrepreneurs instead of low skilled laborers or asylum seekers. Its cultural fate will be an interesting development in the years to come, but the prognosis will be more negative as long as its young people are eager to leave the homeland.

Likelihood of 50-year cultural collapse: Possible

Poland and Russia show the limitations of Cultural Collapse Theory in that it best applies to first-world nations with highly developed economies. They have low birth rates but not through the mechanism I described, though if they adopt a more Western ideological track like Brazil, I expect to see the same outcome that is befalling England or Sweden.

There can be many paths to cultural destruction, and those nations with the most similarities will gravitate towards the same path, just like how Eastern European nations are suffering low birth rates because of mass emigration due to being introduced into the European Union.

How To Stop Cultural Collapse

Maintaining native birth rates while preventing the elite from allowing immigrant labor is the most effective means at preventing cultural collapse. Since multiculturalism is an experiment with no proven efficacy, a culture can only be maintained by a relatively homogenous group who identify with each other. When that homogeneity breaks down and one citizen looks to the next and does not see a person with the same values as himself, the culture falls in dis-repair as native citizens begin to lose a shared means of communication and identity. Once the percentage of the immigrant population crosses a certain threshold (perhaps 15%), the decline will pick up in pace and cultural breakdown will be readily apparent to all observers.

Current policies to solve low birth rates through immigration is a short-term fix with dire long-term consequences. In effect, it’s a Trojan-horse prescription of irreversible cultural destruction. A state must prevent itself from entering the position where mass immigration is considered a solution by blocking progressive ideologies from taking hold. One way this can be done is through the promotion of a state-sponsored religion which encourages the nuclear family instead of single motherhood and homosexuality. However, introducing religion as a mainstay of citizen life in the post-enlightenment era may be impossible.

We must consider that the scientific era is an evolutionary maladaptive feature of humanity that natural selection will accordingly punish (i.e. those who are anti-religious and pro-science will simply breed less). It must also be considered that with religion in permanent decline, cultural collapse may be a certainty that eventually occurs in all developed nations. Religion, it may turn out, was evolutionary beneficial to the human race.

Another possible solution is to foster a patriarchal society where men serve as strong providers. If you encourage the development of successful men who possess indispensable skills and therefore resources that are lacked by females, there will be women below their station who want to marry and procreate with them, but if strong women are produced instead, marriage and procreation is unlikely to take place at levels above the death rate.

A gap between the sexes should always exist in the favor of men if procreation is to occur at high rates, or else you’ll have something similar to the situation in America where urban professional women cannot find “good men” to begin a family with (i.e., men who are significantly more financially successful than them). They instead remain single and barren, only used occasionally by cads for exciting casual sex.

One issue that I purposefully ignored is the effect of technology and consumerism on lowering birth rates. How much influence does video games, internet, and smartphones contribute to a birth decline? How much of an effect does Western-style consumerism have in delaying marriage? I suspect they have more of an amplification effect than being an outright cause. If a country is proceeding through the cultural collapse model, technology will simply hurry the collapse, but giving internet access to a traditionally religious group of people may not cause them to flip overnight. Research will have to be done in these areas to say for sure.

Conclusion

The first iteration of any theory is sure to create as many questions as answers, but I hope that by proposing this model, it becomes more clear why some cultures seem so quick to degrade while others display a sort of immunity. Some countries may be too far down the wrong path to be saved, but I hope the information presented gives concerned readers ideas on protecting their own culture by allowing them to connect how progressive ideologies that may seem innocent or benign on the surface can eventually lead to an outright collapse of their nation’s culture.

[isuzukuretsuki]

Alright I finished Crimson Flower and after letting my thoughts marinate for a bit, I decided to do a very long write up on my thoughts. Despite the fact that I made a beeline for black eagles the moment I got the game because I had an extreme feverish passion for El at first, my thoughts on this route are unfortunately mostly negative. This is the first and only route I played so far, and I know very little about the events that transpire in the other routes.

Five thousand disclaimers that these are just my opinions that may or may not change when I play the other routes and it’s not meant to discredit folks who like Crimson Flower. Also there will be spoilers.

For starters, I think the story does a terrible job at convincing you that Edelgard’s actions are justified or even necessary. This route felt less like fighting to change the world for the better and more like a savage conquest with every chapter being El going like “we gotta kill this guy now” and I’m like “but why” and El’s like “WE JUST GOTTA”. I guess the right way to say it is that El’s route lacked emotional impact. I could not celebrate her victories with her because my only reaction was “was that really necessary” and “buddy why”. It ultimately felt like El was simply solving problems by creating more problems.

Instead of just saying “I want to uproot a societal system from its core so I have to overthrow the Church”, the story opts for El to give incredibly vague and wishy washy reasons on why the Church Is Bad. Something something, they’re not really humans and twist history??? The story forces you to do some crazy mental gymnastics to try and see El’s side of the story when everything just boils down to “Crests are Bad = Church is Bad”.

In Part 1, there was a lot of build up of the church’s obvious corruption and how they’re not to be trusted, but the build up falls flat because the story tries to make the reveal of Rhea’s beast form be the damning thing to convince the player that the church is so terrible that they have to be stopped even at the cost of thousands of lives... and well... in a franchise where almost everyone is secretly a dragon, that just did not sell me. 

We’ve been knew that Crests Are Bad but does that justify sacrificing thousands of lives to upheave the church? I dunno man..................................... the story doesn’t really put much effort to convince you that this is the Only Way and it doesn’t feel like El has put much thought into trying alternative solutions before jumping straight to murder because it was the easiest solution. Which sucks because I think exploring El’s methods and mindset would definitely make for an interesting conflict. The whole idea of if war is never justifiable, is it better to let everyone remain suffering under the status quo forever? El’s belief that nothing will change unless she takes direct action has validity to it, but the game just expects you to agree with her from the get go so El never truly has to stand firm and defend her values.

Edelgard’s decision to unify Fodlan is something I really, really side eye. She’s straight up invading sovereign lands and putting them under her own rule of her own volition. While yes, Church Is Bad, barging into someone else’s land uninvited to dictate how they rule their government and “fix their society” is ultimately something I find incredibly self righteous and arrogant. This idea of “fighting for peace” through not just instigating a war, but going on a violent conquest just seems... disingenuous to me? How does she plan on dealing with the lingering resentment from the folks whose land were conquered? She’s just replacing the crest system with an Empire who will murder anyone who stands against them which... makes her literally no different from what Rhea was.

The above point is mainly due to her whole tirade into the alliance which just felt extremely unnecessary, especially when Claude was trying to keep the alliance in a neutral stance. El’s reasoning for conquering the alliance because “some of the nobles oppose me” was really flimsy like... maybe they wouldn’t oppose you if you just left them alone instead of making them choose between handing over their independence or having their land burnt to the ground. 

Her dialogue with and about Dimitri is ridiculous because she criticizes him for being consumed by hatred and obsession and “losing his path as a king” but...... bruh, you’re STILL invading his country, so even if Dimitri wasn’t a raging murder man, he’d still oppose you because did you just expect a king to simply Hand Over His Land and not defend himself????? 

The absolute worst, worst part of CF isn’t even Edelgard herself but how the other students react to her. It feels like none of the beagles and especially the other house characters except Lysithea have any real reason to side with her, and even if they did (which wouldn’t be surprising because we see how the crests ruined so many lives), these valid reasons are never brought up and it’s overshadowed by almost everyone lamenting “is this bloodshed even necessary?” (news flash: probably not). But why the FUCK are you guys even siding with her in the first place if you're gonna regret it afterwards or don’t actually agree with her? You don’t just side with an instigator of war with half baked resolves, and the convictions of these characters aren’t even quarter baked. 

This wouldn’t be too bad if not for the fact that the beagle kids themselves also seem to have more reasons to turn on El than to fight for her. Especially when Edelgard has done nothing to ever prove herself trust worthy. Hell, CF is kicked off with Edelgard betraying everyone and revealing herself to be the Flame Emperor, which is literal admittance to her association with the slithers. Yet no one seems to put two and two together and just decides to blindly trust and follow her without second thought because... why? Who knows!!! As Sothis so eloquently puts it, they’re all boulders just rolling down whatever hill they’re on, and I could not stand how little agency and independent thought that the other characters showed. It felt like El was the driver while everyone else was just strapped into the passenger seat, mindlessly going along with the ride. No questions, no thoughts, no challenges, and to top it off, it doesn’t even feel like any of them truly believe in what they’re fighting for because they never bring up the validity of El’s ideals or the consequences of her actions. 

The beagles had the group dynamic of a wet paper bag. Lysithea is the one of the only characters who actively shows any real agency for fighting for Edelgard and firmly voices how El’s goals compare to her personal values, which is a stark difference to everyone else who has a "¯\_(ツ)_/¯ I guess this is my life now” type attitude to an infuriating degree. 

Byleth siding with El also has me doing extreme shifty eyes. I can get behind them making an emotionally charged decision to defend her from Rhea but holy crap I saved you from Rhea because I didn’t want you to die, but that doesn’t mean I’m giving you the okay to murder all your classmates!! The game expects the player to take a huge leap of faith when siding with Edelgard, thinking “she has to have a proper explanation for this” and cue.... no explanation ever, until like... five years later. El’s relationship with the beagles felt disingenuous because she actively breaches the trust of others, lies to others, hides crucial information from others (slithers, anyone?), and nobody cares. She straight up lies about the church nuking Arianrhod and it’s never addressed.

The issue with the slithers and Byleth’s dad is even worse because it is never addressed until well into the route, and it’s brought up by not El, but fucking Hubert. Not to mention El is giant jackass to Byleth after their dad died even though he died because of her damn accomplices. We’re supposed to just lie down and accept the slithers’ presence because “well they’re necessary for our plans” even though we curb stomped the entire continent by ourselves, so I dunno why we can’t just shank them now. The slithers literally did nothing aside from chill around, maybe blow up a city or two to spite El. It’s ridiculous how the organization who is directly responsible for El’s abuse and trauma has no on screen resolution when frankly, I think the slithers deserve El’s animosity far more than the church. 

Despite my extreme criticism towards El, I want to stress that I don’t hate El. In fact, I love her character a lot and I think she’s really fascinating. However, I think CF really shot her characterization in the foot because it doesn’t feel like El really grew or developed or changed. She stubbornly believed that her actions were right at the beginning and by the end of the game, she still believes her actions were right because the story doesn’t really bother to try and prove her otherwise. I just think she’s much more suited as an antagonist, and I’m excited to see her portrayal in the other routes. Sorry El, I love you, but I would never in a million years side with you.

To end this salt fest on a positive note, I will say the route had three things I enjoyed: the ending, Mercedes and Jeritza’s support, and Edelgard and Lysithea’s support. Seriously, I would not have so many complaints if the rest of the route had the same amount of emotional tension and feeling as El and Lysithea’s support. I enjoyed the ending fairly much; the final battle in the burning city was epic as hell and so was the final cutscene. The scene where El sobs in Byleth’s chest after Byleth’s heart beat returns was extremely touching to me. So because I liked the ending enough, at the very least I was able to finish the play through on a somewhat content note. Also random side note but Edelgard’s seiyuu is amazing.

Anyway my order from favourite to least favourite beagle kids are Dorothea > Edelgard > Ferdie > Bernie > Linhardt > Petra > Hubert > Caspar.

tldr: my experience with crimson flower

[instrawberrymoonlight]

10 Things I Love About You

Every time I watch that scene where they call you a freak I get so angry. I know it’s cliché to say they hate what they don’t understand but I firmly believe it in this case; they only superficially put up with you because you show them a way “out” to all their problems and it’s completely despicable. Self preservation prevails, I guess, at least to them and it’s insufferable and deeply saddening. 

Everything about you is brilliant and I’d never truly be able to describe the way I feel about you ever, because language is so restrictive, but at the very least I can mean the things I say. And, I do. In every sense of the word. So, just because I’m a lovesick puppy and I’ve never truly been able to convey a fraction of the feelings I have for you, I’m writing this: 10 Things I Love About You. (Yeah I know it’s a very creative list name, thank you).

                                                   One

Your smile, as silly and swoony as it sounds, captivates me. It’s contagious and lights up my world. You’re the star of the show in my universe and I could stare at your dimples and the way your eyes crease up when you smile – when you genuinely smile – forever. It’s a sight to behold and on the rare occasion it slips and I’ve been blessed with the chance of seeing it, it stays with me. It’s almost like my own precious little secret that I get to cherish and recall until the end of my days. (Also sometimes your nose scrunches when you smile and unfortunately I could only talk about 10 things so I couldn’t insert a whole paragraph on how amazing and cute your nose is so I’m putting a short except here – PLEASE LET ME KISS IT PLEASE PLEASE AAAAAAAAAA.

                                                    Two

Your eyes. There’s an intensity to them and while their darkness has struck fear in the hearts of many, it has only won mine. They’re a beautiful, unique shade – never to be replicated in another, and are distinctly you. They’re also incredibly emotive, I can always tell when you’re thinking hard about something and I can always tell, even if it’s for a split second, when something has bothered you. They’re just so diaphanous. And that’s not to say you’re easy to read but rather the insight into your soul is through your eyes; there’s also a warmth to them as well. A heat. While your touch can be cold, and I usually identify you by your chilling presence, your eyes capture the fire within; It embodies you. When the flame is fuelled by passion (gasoline for humans) it epitomises your unfettered wildness and your freedom. And when calm, it provides this sense of shelter to the people who love you and consider you family; your eyes reflect that blanket of warmth. That hidden side you only show to those close enough. Both are dazzling and I’m so glad to have met you – and to be able to interact with you. 

                                                    Three

Your scars. As superficial as it sounds, I find them gorgeous. I want to kiss them softly and treat them so gently. To tell you the truth, and to let you in on a little secret, I get really defensive over them. I hope this doesn’t sound like I’m fetishising them in any way but I’d love to see you without your makeup more often. I don’t want this to come across as pushy or anything, I promise this is only if you’re comfortable I would never want to put you in an uncomfortable position. I just want you to know that what I feel for you isn’t shallow and it isn’t based on the symbol you’ve built yourself as. It isn’t because you wear make-up and you hide yourself; my love isn’t conditional. I’ve fallen in love with you, the man beneath the make-up, Alexander Harper, for nothing more than the reason that you’re amazing. Sorry, I’m kinda focusing on this point so much because I feel so strongly about them. I feel as though you’ve been wrongly told, for a good chunk of your life, that they’re horrific for whatever reason. I feel as though you’ve gotten weird looks because of them, or like I mentioned earlier, that you’ve been called a freak. The idea of any of these being the case completely riles me up, it’s so fucked up to think about anyone shaming you for them. Personally, I think they’re a bold portrayal of your personal strength (of which I’ll touch on later – spoilers), and a show of your resilience in an all too often fucked up world. They’re beautiful, and they will never not be. If you aren’t proud of them yet, or if there’s a part of you that’s still somewhat ashamed of them, I will personally tell you anytime I can that they’re beautiful to me and are a representation of hope until you take pride in them. Or at least start to believe it. Even then, I’ll never shut up about it. Battle scars, whether metaphorical or literal, are always valid and are a big fuck you to not only mental illness – mostly the voices that try to destroy you from within – but are also a big fuck you to our abusers. It’s saying in big bold writing “hey fuckers, I survived despite all the shit you’ve thrown my way,” and that’s something we victims don’t get to experience enough. 

                                                    Four

Your ability to unapologetically be yourself. I think this one’s mostly self explanatory. You have this amazing capability to set aside the social dogma and the fear it instils regarding individuality. You know who you are and what you want and it's inspiring, especially since I personally struggle with identity and navigation. Your confidence in your belief system and in a lot of ways, yourself, is something I also look up to and I hope that one day I can reach a point like that too. You probably already know this and if it isn’t overt enough it’s sure as hell implicit – I look up to you so much. You’re one of my idols and maybe that’s daunting or a lot of pressure but as long as you keep being you I assure you there’s nothing you could ever do to deter me or make me feel differently. I’d also like to quickly touch on how accepting you are of mental illness and of your own! None of that matters to you and it creates such a safe space. You’re so incredibly patient with me. I can only hope I’ve been able to create the same feeling reversed! Lastly, I love all your little idiosyncrasies – the way you speak and move your hands, the way you flick your tongue against your scars (which weirdly enough never triggers my misophonia, you’re like the only exception) the way you pronounce things and draw out words, the way you interrupt yourself with hums and ahs and other butterfly inducing noises. It’s so perfectly you and it joys me to no end. 

                                                    Five

Your strength. I don’t want to get too specific into trauma because this is meant to be uplifting and I just want to stray away from the prospect of triggering you as best as I can so I’ll try my best to keep it short; though, there are some things I want to say– 

Holy fucking shit you are strong. You are so so strong. And that’s probably the most vaguest, cliche thing I’ve said yet but I fucking believe it with all my possum heart. Your childhood and the relentless degradation you endured by a parental figure who was meant to protect you, but instead disgustingly treated you like no child ever should be treated was horrific. What he did to you was unspeakable and the way you feel about my abuser hits the nail on the head regarding how I feel about your father. I’m sure you were the sweetest kid when you were younger and none of what happened was any fault of your own. You deserved to have your needs met and deserved to be treated with such love and compassion. You still do. There wasn’t something wrong with you, you didn’t cause your trauma. I know it’s really hard to believe that when you’ve experienced incredible distress and it can really fuck with your perceptions but I’m here to tell you that none of that is true. To put it in perspective, Arthur, Kali and I have experienced similar thought patterns. We’ve all doubted ourselves and believed at one point or another that we’re just awful and that we deserved it but it’s a lie abusers have ingrained in us. I’m not sure if anyone has told you this properly but I just want you to know this, please. I’m kind of going on a whole tangent here but this is so important. I just want the best for you and I want you to want that too. I want you to take care of yourself more, to be more patient with yourself – at the very least for me. You deserve to break out of this vicious cycle trauma imprints on us all. 

Further, going to war is arguably one of the most harrowing things a person can experience. I’m really not going to get in on the details here because it’s pretty self-explanatory too. You’re my hero Alexander, you encompass courage and resilience more than anyone can. Despite everything you’ve been though, in the end you’re still fighting in what you believe is right and fighting against oppression. Your spirit cannot be crushed and it’s really touching. My big dumb borderline heart feels so much for it and for you. I love you so completely. 

                                                    Six

Your humour. You seem to make the darkest situation into the brightest. You’re so quick witted and it never fails to make me laugh. Your secret love for puns, which I feel like you’ll deny because they’re cheesy but it slips a few times in the film, is the most adorable thing I’ve seen. It’s so so so endearing and I’m giggling to myself as I write this. 

                                                    Seven

Your voice is angelic and it has the power to give me butterflies. Continuing this thought, I always found it funny that no one can replicate it, at least I personally think; people fall short when they try to mimic you and it’s interesting. There’s just something about you that makes you incredibly unique and even when people try, they can never truly be you. Maybe this sounds like a crazy love ramble but you’re special. It’s why you’ve captured the hearts of so many and it’s why I’ve given you mine in full. Speaking of hearts, this leads me to my next point.

                                                    Eight

Your heart – you say you don’t have one though your heart is especially brilliant. I’ve seen it, albeit hidden, it’s big and has sustained despite the things you’ve been through. Apart from Kali and Arthur I’ve never had someone care for me as much as you, I’ve never had anyone treat me so gently and I’ve never had anyone validate my experiences the way you have. Despite experiencing all the bullshit judgement people project onto you (evident within the first few minutes of the film) you remain one of the most understanding, non-judgemental and comforting people I know. I have a feeling like you’d disagree with me about all this or try and block out what I’m saying by replying with “im dangerous” but I’m telling you I’ve never felt safer around anyone more than you – particularly in your arms. As someone who has a serious problem with people touching them and getting close to them physically or relationship-wise, I’m telling you Alexander Harper, that I trust you with my life and I feel wholly protected by you. I know you’d never hurt me, you’re terrified of doing so. I’d let my guard down with you any day, and I don’t do that. I want you to know you’re precious to me, every single side of you; every single part of you. You don’t scare me. I know how hard it is to open up and I’m so so so happy you’ve chosen me and the family to trust in. Just know that you don’t have to hide anymore. You can be yourself. And maybe this is pushing it, maybe this is me overstepping, I hope it isn’t but it’s okay to be the young Alexander you never got to be. It’s okay to let go and enjoy things and to do the things you want to do. To open up, to show people you have these feelings. I just want this to come across as a friendly reminder, like a little caress on the cheek because I can understand it all: the hiding, trying to pretend that you have no emotions at all, trying to pretend that you’re okay, self sabotaging relationships and the personal relationship you have with yourself. You don’t have to do this anymore though my love, you don’t have to go through this alone. I want nothing more than to support you and be with you when you’re going through your worst. I love all parts of you, remember?

                                                    Nine

Your playful side and your passions (yes I’m sticking two points into one, it’s not cheating, deal with it raccoon boy). Even if it’s small things like crosswords or rubik's cubes, to sliding down money piles and scribbling on newspapers (or um,,,,, taunting police) you have this sweet proclivity for mischief. It’s so endearing and I swear I fall more in love with you as the seconds go by. I love it when you fixate on something and create elaborate plans, it's riveting to watch them unfold – kind of like finishing a puzzle and watching the pieces come together. It’s so satisfying, and knowing you’re the man behind the plan makes it all the more thrilling; but my favourite thing of all is that it’s an insight into your mind (which I’ll also touch on next). On the flip side, you have this staggering ability to think on the spot under pressure, you always know exactly what to do or what to say. It’s awe-inspiring. You’re perfect. 

                                                    Ten

Your mind, I love the way it works and ticks. If I could spend hours asking you questions and asking your opinions on things I would. I don’t want this to come across like I want to psychoanalyse you and pick your brain in the worst way like some lab experiment. I’m just so interested in the way you view and perceive the world, even with the most mundane things. I just want to hear you talk. Like I said, I look up to you so much and I enjoy spending time with you. I guess you’re not the only one who likes reactions ha h. I’m hilarious. 

           And finally, in the memorable words of Frankie Valli—

I love you, baby. 

(Yes I know that was cheesy, kill me).

[skyking91-archive]

london ‘10 || tommy & sky

Discord thread featuring: Sky & @byrnethomas​

When: 2010

Mentions: -

Description: Tommy and Sky are living together in London and working as prostitutes 

TW: mentions of prostitution and being damn poor

Sky.

“Roomie — I’m hooooome.” She sang, as she closed the door to their tiny London flat. It was 8am on a Sunday and Sky was exhausted. This escort thing was going to be harder than  she originally thought. She was only 18, just hit the drinking age, and now she was prancing around London with rich, old men pretending to be something she wasn’t. She’d get the hang of it— eventually. Sky peaked into her roommate’s bedroom, and ya him a big smile. “Wakey wakey, mate.”

Tommy

Sometimes Tommy still couldn't believe he thought getting away from his dad meant getting away from escorting. Just because he was no longer living in Cork didn't mean that all of a sudden he was rich and could afford to pay the bills. He was still a school drop out without a penny in his name but at least now he had a friend by his side to help him get through the darkest times. Although he would feel much more grateful towards her if she didn't insist on waking him up at 8am in the morning after an almost sleepless night being dragged around different business events by an asshole who insisted on calling him a slut in front of all his business friends. "You know I only got two hours of sleep, right?" he groaned in his pillow. "Why do you insist on being so mean to me?"

Sky.

Sky knew that Tommy was a hard worker; he taught her the ropes after all. Even though she felt like she was still learning. No matter how poor she was, how down on her luck she was - she was glad to be in London, away from every bad town she'd lived in, school she'd attended, and foster family she'd ever been with. She tried her hardest to block out those awful memories; sometimes with drugs and alcohol. Could you blame the girl though? She'd been through enough, and she could have ended up a lot more fucked up than she was. Sky walked into the small room and sat on the corner of his bed. "It's just my way of showing my love for you." She gave him a cheeky smile. "But I wanted to show up something?" She pulled a huge wad of cash out of her boot and waved it at him. "I didn't sleep a wink all night and had to give head to a man with a shriveled up cock, but..." She paused for dramatic affect, "I think we've finally got enough for rent this month." She grinned.

Tommy

Tommy rolled his eyes but sat up, knowing that once he woke up there was no way of him going back to sleep. And he was a little curious over what Sky wanted to show him. He knew that she was out working just like him the previous night and was hoping she had a little more luck. He was paid well for his efforts but it was a very long night and one which he wasn't in a rush to repeat any time soon. There was a reason why he tended to stick to his regulars. He looked at the wad of cash that Sky was presenting him and grinned. "That's incredible! I guess the student has officially become the master now", he teased. "If we add that to the money I made last night we can pay this month's rent and get ourselves a nice dinner tonight."

Sky.

She kicked her boots off and threw them on his floor. She turned towards him and kicked her legs up on his bed to sit cross cross applesauce. “Oi Oi!!” She exclaimed, raising her hands over her head like she just won a football match. Sky brought her hands back down and tossed her dreads off of her shoulder. She beamed at the mention of a nice dinner. Since moving to London, it’s basically been Ramen noodles and sausage rolls from Greggs. A nice dinner that wasn’t paid for by someone she was going to fuck for money sounded amazing. Sky still had yet have the exclusive client list she managed to create while in New York. She was still so new to this, she had no idea what was coming. All she knew was that with sex work, she’d never made more money. She was sticking to this for sure. “Oooh, we can go to that nice place in Kensington I told you about!” She squealed, clapping her hands with excitement.

Tommy

“Male yourself at home”, he snarled, although it was clear he was only messing with her. This was sort of their little ritual for the morning after. Go to each other’s rooms, depending on who got home first, and spend some time talking about their previous nights to each other. It was a good way of making conversation but also of checking up on each other. They knew each other well enough by now to realise when their night was not the best and try to cheer the other up. It was a good system, and one which hadn’t failed so far. “That sounds really amazing, I’m in.” Tommy night have quite an impressive number of clients but rent in London wasn’t cheap. Life in general was expensive in London and they still struggled to make ends meet. He wasn’t a picky eater so getting to eat so much ramen noodles wasn’t too bad for him but he still craved a properly cooked dinner every once in a while. This was going to be their little treat and he couldn’t be more excited. “We deserve it after all we’ve been through.”

Sky.

The young escort laid face up across the bottom of his bed, her feet dangling over the edge a bit. There was nothing like a good morning cuddle puddle with your roommates. They needed to decompress after their exhausting nights. "God, you can say that again."Sky and Tommy were cut from the same stone - they were fucking survivors. They might as well have gone to hell and back. But they were here. Living. And trying to make the best of the world's shittiest cards that they were dealt. Sky turned to her side to face her friend; older brother rather. "That same guy keeps coming and telling me he'll give me 3,000 pounds to tie me up. I almost said yes last night, but I'm so afraid of being tied up, and actually getting hurt. Sad part is that I was really really close to saying fuck it and just doing it." She sighed. Sex workers have been beaten, bruised, and sometimes murdered in the past. Especially women who were sex workers. And most especially, black women who were sex workers. She was thankful for Tommy for not only showing her the ropes, but for understand her fears and the risks the job entailed.

Tommy

Tommy tensed up at her mention of the 3,000 pounds guy. This wasn’t the first time he was hearing of him as he’d approached Sky before but it was the first time he was hearing her say that she thought about accepting his offer. 3,000 pounds were good money and there was a lot they could do with it but it wasn’t worth putting Sky’s safety at risk. And he knew that’s exactly what would happen if she were to accept, especially since she was so scared about it. People like that would only take advantage of their fear. “Hey”, he said, moving around his bed so that he was closer to Sky. “I’m not going to say that’s not good money because we both know it is but it’s not worth putting your safety at risk. And I know you remember what I told you at the start of all this. Stay away from anything you’re uncomfortable doing. We’ll get by even without those 3,000.” But Tommy was scared. The temptation was always going to be there and what if it got to be too much to ignore? He would never forgive himself if Sky got hurt doing this. “I’ll pick up some more clients and we’ll be fine, I promise.”

Sky.

Damn, Sky needed a fucking security detail or something. That way she wouldn't be so afraid to do stuff like that. And she wanted to. She really fucking wanted to. Maybe she was willing to take the risk. But she couldn't do that to Tommy. She knew if something happened to her, he would be completely destroyed and blame himself for probably the rest of his life. Shy didn't love sex work, but it was good enough for now. She'd be on the streets if it weren't for her job. Sky just shook her head at the thought of him picking up more clients. Tommy already worked so hard; he didn't need to do anymore than he was already doing. "You're not doing that." She told him, her black eyes glaring at him. "You already don't get enough sleep. Have you even showered since you've been home? Eaten anything?" She asked, looking at his small frame.

Tommy

They were both protective of each other and that much was clear. They were each other’s everything, with both their family lives being less than ideal so if something happened to the other they would be crushed. And the risk was always there in their line of work. One of their clients getting carried away, getting themselves into dangerous situations...the possibilities were endless. Tommy was about to insist that it was fine and he could handle it but was silenced by her questions because she had a point. “You know I went right to bed as soon as I got home. Showering and eating wasn’t exactly priority.” He knew that didn’t sound great but could anyone blame him?

Sky.

Sky sighed because she understood, but also hated that they had to prioritize like that. Sky sat up in his bed and gave him a pat on the back. "Shower. I'll make us some food." She said, practically pushing him out of bed. "Then we'll get some more sleep." She told him. She hopped out of bed and kind of hobbled over into the kitchen. The woman put the kettle on. She opened the fridge and scanned it for something she could make them. They had a few eggs left, baked beans, some butter and bread. Half an English breakfast. Cool. Sky was determined to have the meal ready by the time Tommy was out of the shower. He had been like a big brother to her; taking her in the way he did. The least she could do was make a good breakfast for him and force him to eat.

Tommy

“Fine, I’m going pushy”, he said, although he was only teasing. It’s not like he didn’t know that he was in desperate need for a shower; he smelled like sex and drugs. The growling in his stomach only reminded him that he was quite hungry so he finally got out of bed and made his way to their tiny bathroom. Shower, food and more sleep. That sounded like the perfect plan right now. It was probably one of the quickest showers he ever took, drying up and putting on a clean pair of boxers once he dried up. “English breakfast?” he asked once he walked into the kitchen. “You’re spoiling me today.”

Sky.

Sky hummed along to some of her favorite broadway songs as she cooked. Specifically some songs from RENT. God, how she would love to be able to play Joanne. She looked up to her so much when she was younger because she was a black woman on stage — something that she didn’t get to see much. “I am.” She sang, when he walked in. She made a plate for the both of them and sat down across from him. It wasn’t until then when she realized she hoe hungry she was. “Fuck.” She said, digging into her food.

Tommy

Tommy took a seat at the table and dug in as soon as Sky places the plate in front of him. He was starving. This was a habit that he couldn’t break no matter how hard he tried. Sometimes he could go a whole day without eating anything only to annihilate everything in front of him the second he’s presented with food. Today was no different and his plate was completely empty in a matter of minutes. “Thanks for this, I really needed it. I’m in a much better mood now.”

Sky.

Sky smiled at Tommy. She cared about him like no one else did. The very least she could do was make him a good breakfast. She hoped that one day she would be able to help him the way that he helped her. He almost literally gripped her from perdition and literally saved her life. Without Tommy, Sky would probably still be in a ditch. And while they still didn't have much, at least she had someone to share it with. "Anything for you, Tom."

[raybansandcoffee]

Adventure of a Lifetime: Chapter Twelve

First things first, I am so so so sorry about how long this has taken. I can’t thank you enough for your patience. I was diagnosed with influenza b, bronchitis, and a sinus infection at the beginning of November. I got sent home with an antibiotic and antiviral. I could not get better. So it was a second round of antibiotics and steroids after that. I spent 3.5 weeks sick. I have a couple of chronic health conditions that make my immune system suck so getting better from something like that may take the average person like 3-5 days. It takes 3-5 weeks for me. Most of that I was in bed and working in short spurts when I could function upright. Thankfully I work for myself so I could structure my life that way. I also did a little editing and writing on another story I was writing years ago about the Jonas Brothers to try and give some happy breaks in the day for a friend who is going through some unimaginable stuff with her family. My friend means the world to me and this story has always made her happy so if me writing more of it could give even a few moments of quiet while processing things it was worth it. So this took a backseat and I hate that. Thank you so much for sticking with me. To thank you this is a really long chapter. Over 12,500 words, so hopefully you enjoy it.

If you need a refresher or haven’t read first the first eleven chapters they are HERE.

As a warning there is a description of Charlie’s experience the weekend Sam and Michael die in this chapter. If you think this might be triggering to you emotionally you can skip over the email in this section. If you need someone to talk to after reading it please contact me. I’m always willing to listen and help you find resources if you need them.

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“Ava is Ellery’s best friend. I’ve told you about her. This is Jeremy, Ava’s Dad,” I answered. There was an awkward silence before Jeremy dropped my hand that was still behind my back and extended it to shake Alex and Max’s hands. 

“Hi, I’m Jeremy Renner. It’s nice to meet you both,” he said. I glanced over at him and he didn’t look like he had when he met anyone in my family. He wasn’t smiling his brightest smile, it was a more subdued smile. I mean I don’t blame him because he was meeting Alex for the first time and none of us had glowing reviews of her before her arrival. Well, hopefully, it was that. If it wasn’t it was because I had introduced him as Ava’s Dad, which was a truthful description of him but not a full description. It left out what he meant to me and the kids.

“Nice to meet you, Jeremy,” Max replied. Alex looked from Jeremy to me and back again. 

“You look familiar. Do I know you from somewhere?” Alex asked.

“I’ve maybe been in a movie you’ve seen before but other than that I don’t think so. I live in LA part-time but I don’t recognize you, so I’m going to go with it was probably a movie.”

“Mom, he’s Hawkeye in the Avengers movies that the twins love,” Savannah jumped in to add. 

“Oh of course. I thought maybe you were a friend from USC that I didn’t remember. Charlotte hung out with a lot of interesting people that I didn’t know very well.” 

“Charlotte?” I asked raising an eyebrow. “Since when do you call me Charlotte?” I knew when she called me Charlotte. It always meant a lecture was coming. She turned to look at me and I almost felt myself shrink back into the 18-year-old college student who was slightly afraid of my new roommate. I mean I eventually moved beyond being afraid of her all of the time and we became friends but that first like month of school was a nightmare. The rest was just mostly a nightmare because she was pregnant and hormonal. 

“I wasn’t sure if Ellery’s friends’ parents knew you as anything other than Charlotte.” The parents at the boys’ school all knew her as Alexandra. She forced her students to call her Dr. Barrett-Gladstone. Only a few select colleagues and friends called her Alex. 

“They mostly all know me as Charlie or don’t know me at all. You know usually that peopleing isn’t one of my greatest skills.” Jeremy started to laugh, his real normal laugh.

“You aren’t good at peopleing, really ever.” I punched him in the bicep and then shook my hand. 

“Ouch,” I mumbled. 

“You know better,” Jeremy said as he scrunched his face at me and I scrunched mine back. At this moment I wanted to kiss him, but I also wanted to live to see the lunch I knew was waiting in the kitchen so I didn’t. 

“Hey, you two.” THANK YOU, FRANKIE! My sister had perfect timing, coming over to hug Alex and Max so that this awkward moment could end. “Did you have a nice flight? Do you need me to help you get settled? Oh, you’ve met Jeremy right? He’s the absolute greatest.” She didn’t even pause to take a breath and let anyone answer. 

“Yes, we met Jeremy,” Alex answered very matter-of-factly. I saw Frankie’s chipper face soften. 

“Let me take you to get your luggage settled and everything. We’ve got you downstairs. There’s room for you and the boys. With Dad and Mandi being here plus Jeremy and Ava are staying here this weekend we had to do a little moving around. Sorry, you don’t have your normal room, Alex. I’ve got Frankie and Ryan in the suite above the garage because Carter is sleeping in the office. We are experiencing a little bit of sleep regression with Axel so I didn’t want any of the kids to stay in there with him.”

“Understandable,” Max said. “We are fine with the rooms in the basement. There’s a lot of space down there.” I went into the house with Frankie and Alex following me, thankfully Jeremy stayed to keep Max occupied knowing I’d need a moment alone with my sister and Alex. Judging by Alex’s facial expression through this entire conversation we were preparing ourselves for an uncomfortable conversation. We made small talk while we walked into the house, got their bags and headed down to the rooms I’d picked for them. I was a little nervous, it was the two rooms in the house that shared a bathroom, though to be honest there was another bathroom in the basement that had an outdoor entrance because of the hot tub. 

“So Jeremy isn’t just Ellery’s friend’s Dad is he?” Alex asked.

“No, he’s not. We are friends.” Frankie glared at me. “And we’ve been on one date.”

“He was the hot single dad who invited you over for a pool day?” I nodded. “And you felt that it was appropriate to hide his identity from me?”

“Well, based on experience I felt it was best to wait until there was a reason to tell you about him. There wasn’t really a reason until Wednesday. We went on our first date that night.”

“They also arrived home to all of us here,” Frankie said. “So she really hasn’t had a chance to tell you about it. But she really seems happy. Like super happy.”

“I am happy.”

“What do you mean based on experience?” I knew I shouldn’t have said that. I’m an incredibly honest person and sometimes, with Alex, honesty is not the best policy because it creates disagreements.

“Jeremy is an actor, musician, and producer. His life is very much based in the Hollywood scene you so openly despise. I’ve watched how you treated Savannah’s dad her entire life, you were hard on Michael for so long and honestly, you’re the only person who has ever asked me when I’m going to grow up and get a ‘real’ job as if my career isn’t real because it’s part of Hollywood. Jeremy’s career makes him a second-class citizen to you and I didn’t want the judgment about it until there was a reason to judge. He also doesn’t deserve your judgment.” She opened her mouth like she was going to speak and I held up my hand signaling that it wasn’t her turn yet. “He’s a great Dad, an incredible friend, and has been there for me through the hell I’ve been reliving the nightmare that this week is. He didn’t judge me, my kids or my life. He embraced us for the wild, crazy, feral family we are. He’s offered help to not just me but to my kids, my brother and your daughter. For the first time in a year, someone has made me actually enjoy my life beyond what is required of me. The last year of my life has been literal hell, he doesn’t judge a bit of my crazy and is trying to help me out of that hell. He is the first person in a year that doesn’t look at me with sad eyes, worry that I’m going to crack under the pressure, or judge my every single decision. He knows that I’m doing the best I can and wants to be here to help me do that. I couldn’t ask for a better person to have magically fallen in my lap.” Frankie smiled. 

“I’ve treated Savannah’s Dad like crap because he’s a piece of shit. He left me with that baby and didn’t look back.”

“Except the thing is he left you, he didn’t leave her. Did you know that he calls her every day? Or that he’s come to stay with us every other month for a long weekend since she moved so he could see her? Did you know that he sends me money every month to help pay for Savy’s part of the utilities? Did you know that he called me to ask if it was appropriate for him to come this weekend? She’d called to invite him because he is part of her support system and this is a hard weekend for all of us, including your daughter. You have done everything you could to sabotage the relationship between your daughter and her father because you are bitter that he left YOU. He didn’t want what had been a friends with benefits relationship to become an unhappy marriage just because you couldn’t figure out how to properly take birth control.” Frankie’s eyes bugged out of her head. I was fairly certain I saw steam escape from Alex’s ears. I’d never actually expressed my feelings on Alex’s treatment of Savannah’s Dad. It hadn’t been my place but her transferring her anger towards him to every other man who happened to work in Hollywood was my business.

“Tell me how you really feel, Charlotte.”

“I hate when you call me Charlotte. You do it in a condescending manner like I should use my grown-up name instead of still pretending I’m a kid and letting people call me Charlie or Chucky. You have spent every day of your life since you met me looking down your nose at me because I don’t behave properly, I didn’t see the value in the life I could’ve had if I'd opted for law school instead of music. I still dress like a kid and wear shorts that are too short and need to purge my wardrobe and dress appropriately for a woman of my age. Every man I’ve ever dated was a piece of trash or not good enough. You don’t get to do that to Jeremy because he doesn’t deserve that. He’s a good man. One person doesn’t mean an entire industry of people are trash. I mean you were a complete and utter bitch to Michael for the first six months that he and Sam were together. You never really got much better either. I don’t honestly even know why you feel like you need to be here. You were so harsh to both of them. They weren’t raising their kids right. They weren’t living life the way they needed to. They didn’t do the right things. You sent me a text message ranting about how you couldn’t believe that they were going out on a date to celebrate their anniversary instead of staying home with their three-week-old baby. Imagine if they had stayed home the destruction that could’ve happened? You had to judge them for wanting to celebrate how much they loved each other because you were jealous. But worst of all, you are still so angry that they left those kids in my clearly incapable hands when you were the obvious choice.” 

I was almost crying by now. I hadn’t brought up to anyone the text she sent me. She’d been surprised to find out I was watching the kids when she text me that night. I told her that I had them overnight so that Sam and Michael could celebrate, she felt it was so inappropriate, they needed to be home caring for their baby not allowing me to take care of them. I still wasn’t sure which way she felt, that I was incompetent with children and shouldn’t have them or that they were being irresponsible by having a life. Frankie came to stand beside me and grabbed my hand in hers squeezing it.

“You clearly have been harboring that anger for quite some time.” Alex was ticked but she was trying to stay calm. She always told me my temper was unattractive and part of the reason I was single, when I was in a relationship she claimed she didn’t know how Patrick put up with it. 

“You think? You’ve always acted like you were better than me. I’m fairly certain I got laid more freshman year than you did but only one of us ended up pregnant. So Miss Perfect, how do you explain that?”

“Alright you two, stop this arguing. Tensions are high. You’re both grieving this weekend and grief takes different forms. Clearly right now Charlie’s is anger and well, I don’t know what your form is Alex but either way you two need to stop. This is the absolute last thing that Sam would’ve wanted. For whatever reason, she loved you both and sometimes I question her sanity because you both drive me crazy occasionally.” To the rescue came Mandi. She was even laughing which was helping to break the tension a little bit. “Alex you were up early to fly here and had to wrangle the twins and that husband of yours through LAX which is always a stress-producing experience. Charlie, you are being defensive and we both know that’s not a good thing. You have guests in your house and a man who appears to be falling for you by the second waiting outside to finish decorating for dinner. Don’t blow it by showing him that your Italian temper can make you a wee bit of a bitch sometimes.” Now I was laughing. Alex smiled like she’d won. “Alex, wipe that smirk off your face. You aren’t free of guilt in this situation. You have harbored a grudge against people for what you perceive your ex to be and that’s not fair, especially to your friends and Jeremy. It’s going to be an emotionally charged weekend and we are only a few hours away from all of Sam’s family arriving in from Reno for dinner. So take a few minutes each to calm down, get your shit together and stop being bitches to each other. While we all know that Sam secretly enjoyed watching the debates between the two of you she’d hate to see you doing that this weekend. This weekend is about loving her, remembering her, and celebrating her, not about you two and this petty nonsense.”

“Fine,” I replied. “I’ve gotta go shower anyway.” I turned and walked out of the room. I heard Alex start to bitch about something only to be shut down by my stepmom and sister. I was still angry and still about two seconds away from crying. I was also thanking the vacation gods that the whole plan for Alex and her family to stay here for 10 days had been canceled by a speaking opportunity at a conference for Alex. I don’t think this would’ve been a great start to a 10-day vacation.

“You okay,” Jeremy asked when I made it to the bottom of the stairs. He was sitting on them and clearly had heard everything I’d just screamed at my friend. I shook my head no. “Let’s go upstairs. You can shower and vent. Ok?” I nodded. He took my hand and I helped him up off the stairs. We went up to my bedroom and as soon as the door shut the hyperventilating started as the tears streamed down my face. Jeremy pulled me into him hugging me tightly. “Breathe. Deep breaths.”

“I can’t…I can’t…I can’t breathe.” Without thinking twice about it he picked me up and carried me over to the bed and laid me down before laying beside me. He wrapped his arms and legs around me, his entire body enveloping mine like a burrito. I sobbed, openly for a while. I was finally able to start breathing deeply again. Eventually, the tears stopped and I just laid there trying to avoid thinking about the fact that I’d just had a panic attack. I knew having everyone in my house was going to be hard, but I didn’t imagine it like this. 

“Are you okay now?” I shook my head. “Still need to cry?”

“Maybe, but I need to shower more than that.”

“What happened?”

“I maybe exploded. It was like 18 years of pent up anger and anxiety that just erupted out of me like I was fucking Vesuvius and wanted to murder everything in my path. It was not my best moment but she can be such a flaming bitch sometimes. I am surprised I couldn’t remain composed a little bit longer.”

“Well from what I heard you clearly needed to say what you said. Do you feel better?”

“A little, though now I’m positive the rest of this weekend is going to fucking suck worse than it was already going to.”

“I’m here with you every step of the way.”

“I really am grateful for that. But I need to shower so you need to get out of here for a few steps of the way.” He laughed at me before leaning down to kiss me, a kiss I felt all the way to my toes. The anxiety that had just ripped through my body really wanted its drug of choice, which was sex but this was a completely inappropriate time for that. So instead I kissed him a little bit longer before kicking him out, turned on music and sat down at my laptop at the desk in my bedroom.

**********

To: Samantha Madigan

From: Charlotte De Luca

Subject: One Year…

Sam,

Today is the day I’ve been dreading.

I’ve never told you what that day was like for me. I was sure if there was a way that you could find out you’d already know. But it’s time that I tell you.

A year ago you were stolen from me. It’s been a year since I really knew what it felt like to breathe. I relive that night and day over and over and over again, mostly in the form of nightmares. I remember listening to you go through the instructions you’d written for me about Axel’s feeding schedule, sleep schedule, and the lecture about giving too much sugar to Ellery because the next day was a big day and she needed her sleep. The next day you’d be getting up, dragging me around town and planning the following weekend which was Axel’s big Welcome to the World party; a party that never happened, well at least not in the way you planned. Michael and Patrick were goofing off, telling you I knew how to take care of the kids and that you’d be late for your reservations. You did end up late but the restaurant of course was so excited to see you two and celebrate your 7th anniversary with you that you were seated anyway. 

The kids were perfect. Axel fell asleep on my chest on the couch that night. Ellery did eat too much candy, but she still slept like an angel, shockingly. I had gotten up to feed Axel when he started crying. You’d warned me about the middle of the night feedings. It was 2:08 when the knock that changed my life echoed through the apartment. I had Axel in my arms and went to the door. It had to be a drunk person at the wrong door, at least that’s what I thought. Then I looked through the peephole to see two LAPD officers. The knock woke Patrick up from his dead sleep in our bedroom. I opened the door as he came into the living room, he was just in his boxers and a little embarrassed by that when he realized I’d opened the door to two police officers. You’d have laughed at him. He turned so red. 

“Are you Miss Charlotte De Luca?” asked the officer with the darker hair. “I am,” I replied a little nervous. “May we come in, we need to talk to you in private,” the second officer said. I opened the door more as they came in and shut the door behind them. “Miss De Luca, there’s been an incident at 902 Walsh Boulevard this evening. We believe that right around midnight Mr. and Mrs. Fitzpatrick arrived home in the middle of a home invasion. Neighbors called 911 at 12:04 reporting gunshots. We arrived at the home at 12:11. There was no suspect in the home at the time and both Mr. and Mrs. Fitzpatrick had been shot multiple times. We pronounced them dead at the scene.” I don’t think Patrick has ever moved so fast. He took Axel from my arms as I dropped to the floor. The room filled with the most blood curdling scream, after enough of the nightmares I’ve discovered that the scream was mine and what woke Ellie up.

The officers told me that the home was still a crime scene and I wouldn’t be able to get inside until the next day. They were going to need me or a family member to go to the hospital at 9:00 in the morning to identify your bodies. I was listed as your emergency contact in both of your phones and on your medical records because you didn’t have family in LA. As soon as the police officers gave Patrick all of the information he’d need he packed up the kids’ stuff, got me changed, and we headed down to the parking garage. You’d left your Mercedes with us in case we needed to take the kids anywhere, that way we didn’t have to fuck with car seats. I hadn’t said a word since I stopped screaming. I remember hearing Patrick on the phone with my Dad. He explained what happened and that we were in the car headed to his house. By the time we arrived Frankie and Ryan were both there having left the kids with Stevie. 

I was numb, a feeling that honestly lasted for weeks. I still feel pretty numb most days. I didn’t sleep, I couldn’t. Every time I tried to close my eyes I imagined the police officers standing at my door. Dad spoke with the officer who had left his information with Patrick in the morning before sending us to the morgue. The police agreed to let us into the house to get things for the kids. Mandi and I got in the car with just enough time to arrive at the hospital at 9:00. Frankie had gone home to get the kids. Dad and Ryan were busy pulling up your latest will, your asset information, and anything else we’d need. Patrick went home to get me some clothes and make sure that everything your Mom and Dad would need when they got into LA was ready. 

I will never forget how cold the morgue felt. The police officer with the dark hair was there again. He went with Mandi and I to identify your body and Michael’s. I had tried to convince Mandi not to come with me but she didn’t want to leave my side. You didn’t look like yourself, even though I knew it was you. Your skin was ashen. The glow you always had was gone. You didn’t ooze sunshine and rainbows anymore. You were gone. So was Michael. They told me he had been shot more times than you. He tried to fight the intruder and they believed the intruder would be easier to find than it could’ve been because Michael was able to wrestle with him long enough that he was shot, they believed in the arm. It was likely that he would require medical attention and they were able to get enough DNA to identify him. Information was sent to every hospital on the west coast and every police department in the country. It was nice to hear though it brought no comfort as I stared down at your body. All I wanted to do was shake you awake. You had to just be sleeping, but you weren’t. 

What happened next is what haunts me, literally. I wake up most nights screaming when I get to this part. Mandi pulled up to your house, an officer at the end of the driveway stopped us and asked to see IDs. He radioed to another officer and then let us in. Your car was in the driveway, a door standing open where the intruder had opened it hoping to get it hot-wired to leave in it. He wasn’t able to and left on foot or in a getaway car, they weren’t sure. We walked in the front door to find LAPD employees everywhere. It was like a scene straight from Law and Order, I was waiting for Ice T to enter the room, it would’ve shown this was a joke because how obsessed you were with the show. There was no Ice T. There was blood everywhere, evidence markers, crime scene tape, and an obvious location as to where you and Michael had both died. Your perfectly white living room was covered in red blood. Everything was thrown around the room, the place had been ransacked before you came home. Mandi and I quickly threw items for the kids into bags so we could head back to her house. Before we left the second police officer wanted to question me again. They’d asked a few questions the night before but I hadn’t been very much help, the whole screaming uncontrollably thing was the problem. 

Once they were done Mandi put me back in the car and we headed back to Santa Barbara. We both were wishing we’d brought someone else with us because after everything we’d just seen neither of us was in any condition to drive. When we got back to the house I knew I had to sit Ellie down and let her know she wouldn't be going home. She’d wonder why were were at Nana and Papa’s. I do want to thank you for having her call them that as soon as she could talk, it made that transition in the last year much easier. Your Mom and Dad had arrived at the house, my Dad had sent his law firm’s plane to pick them up in Reno so that they didn’t have to drive. Alex, Savannah and Max were there as well, as was Stevie. Savannah, knowing that this portion was an adult thing, offered to watch all of the kids so that we could go through the will. 

Dad and Ryan gave a copy to each of us. It had just been updated two weeks prior after Axel was born. The first portion shocked everyone in the room, except me. You left the two most precious things in your world in my control. Your Mom was a little upset but understood that she and your Dad were in no condition to take on an infant. Alex was the one that made my Dad read it three times. Me getting the kids came as a shock to her. She assumed she would get them. There was a trust set up for me and each of the kids. Funds to maintain one of the houses through Axel’s 25th birthday. You essentially left everything to me and the kids. A few items, sentimental things like jewelry and other valuables, were left to your Mom, Dad, Alex, Savannah, Frankie, Stevie, and Mandi. Your wedding rings left to each of the kids. I wasn't able to say thank you for thinking of the loss my sister, Mom, and Mandi would experience. Frankie wears your diamond earrings for every special occasion. Mandi wears your emerald ring nearly every day. I don’t think Stevie has taken the necklace you left her off since the morning I was able to get everything from the house. She remembers buying that for you for the first Christmas you spent with her in London when you weren't able to get home. Savannah and I share the rest of it between us. I noticed this morning that she was wearing your favorite amethyst earrings. I’ll be wearing your sapphire earrings tonight, the something blue from your wedding. We all miss you. More than words can describe. Having these little momentos of you to carry with us helps.

As you know, I decided that it would be best for the kids and I to move to Tahoe. Leaving LA was the hardest thing I’ve experience other than losing you. I miss my family every day, but the kids are both thriving here. I’ve finally hit a creative streak now that Tony has moved to be here with us. I feel so much more at peace with him here. He and Savannah are a huge help, having them both has finally allowed me to slow down and heal. Your babies, our babies are my life. They are the reason I live and breathe. I will do everything to always take care of them, I hope you know that. They are the best gift life has given me, I just wish it hadn’t meant I had to give you up.

Tonight your family is arriving at the house with mine and Alex’s to celebrate you. To celebrate what would’ve been your 8th anniversary. Tomorrow the house will fill again with family and friends, evidently it’s possible there will be 80 fucking people here, I blame Alex. We will celebrate your life. Your funeral was a nightmare, as I’ve said before. Stevie did the best she could but she was getting so much conflicting information that it was just a nightmare. So tonight is dinner, the exact menu from your wedding. Tomorrow a casual event, a party. Don’t worry your rainbow lanterns are hung in a tent in the backyard. At the end of the evening I will walk into the part of the woods that you told me was your favorite and spread part of your ashes and Michael’s ashes so that you can live in that special place forever. 

I’ve already gotten into a fight with Alex, which shouldn’t come as a surprise. Emotions are high in this house right now. But I have a safety net, don’t worry. While Patrick and I broke up the morning after your funeral there is finally someone special in my life. Someone worthy of my time and maybe someday of my heart. Our Ellery made a friend at school named Ava. Ava comes with a single Dad named Jeremy. We’ve spent the last few weeks getting to know each other as the girls have spent summer days enjoying the sunshine and having a friend. Wednesday he and I went on our first date. He’s amazing. He just gets it. He’s not in the least bit terrified about the 18 wheeler of baggage the kids and I come with. He and Tony get along well. He’s already won over my entire family and Savy. You’d adore him. He’s funny, smart, a musician, and keeps me on my toes. Alex on the other hand isn’t so sure yet, he’s an actor so you know how that goes. Tell Michael that an Avenger helps tuck his kids in bed at night.

The police did end up catching the man. His trial starts in a few weeks. I am going to go home. This is the first time I’ve actually said that. This man needs to know what he stole. He needs to know the damage he’s done. Your two beautiful kids will grow up without their Mom and Dad. I will spend the rest of my life without my best friend. If I ever get married I’ll be short my maid of honor, and yes I actually consider that there someday might be a wedding in my life. There also might not be, who knows. Doing it without you won’t feel right. 

This has been the hardest year of my life. I miss you every second of every day. I don’t think I’ve felt like I could truly take a deep breath since the knock on my door happened. The nightmares haven’t lessened as time has gone by. I don’t know that there will ever be a day where I don’t wish I could pick up my phone and call you. Our business manager tried to convince me to stop paying for your email, you know how he is, fucking penny pincher. But I can’t. I want these to be here for me, for the kids, so that if somehow there is a way that you still get email in heaven that you will always know what is going on in my life. So that when I miss you too much to function that I can tell you about life. There are fewer days filled with tears than there were a year ago. But as you know, every tear drop is a waterfall. 

Love you forever and for always,

Charlie

**********

I wiped the tears that had slid down my cheeks while writing the email away, hit send, and stood up to go get in the shower. I put some music on so that I could get lost in the process of getting ready. I knew that I’d be up here long enough that I’d get out of all of the last-minute set up things. My sister could handle it and maybe Alex would get her shit together and help, though I wasn’t going to hold my breath for that, especially after I just chewed her out. I took my time getting ready, I don’t honestly think I’d devoted this much time to the way I looked for something in over a year. I finally understood what my friends with kids meant when they talked about never having time to do anything because of kids. Most of the time I was fairly sure I was covered in half of Axel’s breakfast and mascara from three days prior. 

“Hey you,” Jeremy said. I turned to see him leaning against the door frame. I’d been in here for over an hour now. “You have pink in your hair.”

“That I do. It’s not a permanent thing, but Sam loved me with pink hair. I thought it would be a nice thing to do for her. It’ll fade pretty easily,” I replied as I unclamped the curling iron from the piece of hair I had in it letting the curl fall. I put the curling iron down on the counter as he walked towards me. He kissed me softly.

“I like it. You look super cute.” He twirled a lock of my hair with it pastel pink ends with his fingers. “Are you feeling better?” 

“A little bit. I mean I probably shouldn’t have unleashed on Alex but today is not the day to fuck with me and to be so quick to judge you, I’m just not okay with it.”

“She wasn’t totally judging me. I mean she wasn’t being warm and receptive but you were already primed and ready for a fight. She probably could’ve replied that she thought I was amazing and you would’ve still been ready to fight her. I mean she deserved everything you said. Based on what you’ve told me the relationship the two of you have has always been a challenge and the loss of Samantha has made it even harder. She was the glue that held the three of you together, without her you’re both struggling. It’s understandable but it’s made even harder by the fact that both of you are strong women who don’t admit defeat well.”

“When did you get so smart?”

“Oldest of six kids, remember. I grew up with a bunch of sisters. I know how you all work but especially how you fight. You two love each other but you are different people, especially now than you were when you were freshman in college.”

“We absolutely are. I mean she has three kids, I’m raising Sam’s two-plus half parenting her child.”

“Have you ever thought that might be part of it?” he asked.

“I’ve always thought it was a possibility. I was around for a lot of Savannah’s firsts, some of which she missed. You know how close she and I are. I used to think it was similar to how my relationship with Tony was, I mean I’m a great sister. But it’s less like sisters. She comes to me with the stuff I go to Stevie or Mandi with. I can’t imagine if I had a kid and that happened. Like if someday Axel shows up to you to ask about girls.”

“If that happens you’ll be damn happy and so will I.”

“Why is that?” I asked.

“Because it means that I am still part of your life. And that you don’t have to have the birds and the bees talk with Axel.”

“True fucking story. I am so NOT prepared for that shit.” He sat down on the counter to keep me company while I finished my hair and makeup. He talked me through the crap going through my mind and put me at ease knowing that I’d make it downstairs just as guests were arriving. I went into the closet to get dressed. I pulled out a dress that I’d ordered online for tonight. It was a very bohemian look, something Sam would’ve picked out for me. I got it in black, which made it look a little more goth and maybe felt a little bit morbid for the situation. I knew everyone else was planning on wearing bright colors. I’d also ordered the dress in white, just in case I felt like I needed something lighter. I put on the bra I’d need to wear under it and stood in my closet staring at the two trying to pick which one I should wear. “Hey Jer, I need your opinion.”

“Yes...whoa. You are just in your lingerie.”

“Yeah, sorry. I can’t pick a color. Black or white.”

“What are your thoughts on the colors?”

“Well, for the most part, everyone is wearing bright colors tomorrow and probably tonight too, Ellie is wearing a white tunic top that looks like a little kid version of this dress. I know that it’s not meant to be a depressing night. It’s meant to be celebratory. So for that, I’m leaning towards the white.”

“And the black?” he asked.

“It’s my favorite color to wear when I’m getting dressed up. Sam and I were always the girls in black in LA when everyone else embraced color. It’s odd I know. She loved color. She wore color in her accessories and sometimes in her main clothing but when we were together she’d embrace black because my inner-goth child wasn’t ever going to wear all the colors she was. I like the idea of wearing the white so Ellie and I are dressed kind of similar, but I also feel a bit odd wearing white today since it would’ve been her day to wear white as we all celebrated her and Michael.”

“Go with the black. Your hair will make it seem less morbid and it might make your hair stand out. Then tomorrow you can wear something brighter. It is a somber day for you, no matter how hard you try to pretend it’s not.” I turned and looked at him. He was standing in front of me in the pants he’d had on earlier and no shirt because we’d both been in the middle of changing. 

“Thank you.”

“You’re asking a lot of me. I mean you’re standing in front of me in a bra and panties. I really want to ravage you right now but I also know that your phone is gonna start blowing up with notifications at the gate any second. You need to get into hostess mode.”

“Ravage me? What a vivid description.” He hugged me tight to him and kissed me. As we made skin-on-skin contact I felt my heartbeat race. All I wanted to do was climb into bed, get lost in his kisses and forget about what today meant. I wanted to avoid responsibility at all costs but knew I couldn’t. “I need to get dressed,” I mumbled as he rested his lips against my forehead. “If I don’t get dressed now we are never making it out of this room.”

“I know. Clothes now, Charlie. We can pick this up after everyone goes home.”

“Yes, yes we can.” I kissed him one more time before he walked out of the closet and I slid on the black dress. It was flowy with layers of silk, chiffon, and lace. The top was all lace across my shoulders and the small sleeves. The opaque fabric started at the perfect spot to show some cleavage but also leave something to the imagination. I stood staring at my shoes in my closet trying to decide what to wear. I hadn’t ever really been a fan of heels. My normal Vans would look a little off with something like this. I opted for my black combat boots. I knew somewhere in the universe Sam was smiling. She loved that I was often the person willing to wear skater shoes or combat boots with a dress instead of heels. Alex had made us wear long dresses for her wedding and bought these ridiculously high heels. Halfway through the pictures, Alex realized I had purchased a pair of Vans that matched the dress and had them on instead of the heels the rest of the bridesmaids were wearing. I was short enough she only noticed because I’d sat down and moved the dress. The combat boots would’ve made Sam happy. She loved that I danced to the beat of my own drummer. I grabbed a black leather jacket knowing that it would eventually get cooler outside and I’d need a jacket. 

When I walked into my bedroom I saw that Jeremy was sitting on the bed putting his shoes on. He had on a nice pair of dark gray pants with a white dress shirt underneath a black sweater. He smiled at me as I walked over to him. He hugged me to him, resting his head against my stomach. It was a nice, quiet moment until the inevitable alert went off on my phone. He reached to where it was sitting on the nightstand, not letting go of me completely and handed it to me. I looked to see it was the gate alert, Sam’s parents were here. I clicked letting them in. 

“Time to go face the music,” I said.

“I know,” he replied. He stood up and kissed me softly. “You’re gonna do great tonight, honey. If you need anything just give me a signal.”

“Did you decide what our signal was?” I asked.

“I didn’t.” 

“I have a feeling you’ll be able to sense it and tonight shouldn’t be bad. Tomorrow is gonna be the day that exhausts me.”

“I know, honey. But it’s gonna be okay.” We walked out of my bedroom holding hands. As soon as we got into the living room he squeezed my hand and then dropped it as we saw all of the kids in the room.

“Hi Charlie,” Ava said as she ran up to me and jumped into my arms so I could hug her. I slid her to my hip so we could talk.

“Hey, Ava. I’ve missed you, kiddo. Did you have fun visiting your Mommy?”

“I did. But I missed you guys. I’m really excited about the slumber party this weekend.”

“I am too.” Out of the corner of my eye. I caught Jeremy pull his iPhone out of his pocket and take a picture of the two of us together. Ellery came over and Jeremy picked her up. He wrangled the four of us into one photo and took a selfie. After the girls were down and running towards the door to say hi to Sam’s Mom and Dad he leaned over to kiss my cheek. I went to where Axel was playing on the floor and picked him up to take him to see Jane and Robert. “Did you have a good drive?” I asked.

“We did,” Jane replied.

“Speak for yourself. I still don’t know that I’m made to be a passenger,” Robert added causing me to laugh. Robert and Jane were both older than my parents, they’d waited until their late 30s to have Sam whereas Stevie and Vince got married the summer after college and Frankie came the first year of law school for my Dad. Robert had recently had to give up driving, he’d been diagnosed with Parkinson's several years ago and it was progressing to the point that driving had become more difficult for him. He’d been a gearhead since he was young and had always worked on cars. Giving up driving had been hard for him, I was almost glad Sam didn’t have to see her Dad give up that huge part of his identity to his disease. Jane was caring for him full-time though recently she had started to have a nurse come in for part of the day so she can get stuff done.

“Well, I’m glad you put up with being a passenger. Your grandkids miss you bunches.” I smiled as I spoke hoping for the best with tonight. Jane’s face lit up at Axel which put me at ease and made me very happy. She took him from my arms. So she could snuggle him as Ellie hugged her Grandfather. Alex approached all of us leaning in to hug and cheek kiss both Jane and Robert. I backed away and headed over to where my siblings, Jeremy, and Ryan were standing.

“You look like you need a drink,” Ryan said.

“Are you playing bartender because I absolutely do?”

“I mean I could but you have a full fucking bar outside.” I looked at him and signaled to go outside making the other three standing with us laugh. As soon as Ryan and I were at the bar he put his arm around me as I rested my head on my arms, on the bar. 

“This lady needs a shot of tequila and I’ll take one as well.”

“Make it two shots,” I said as I held up two fingers.

“Damn.” Ryan had always been a great friend. When my sister introduced me to him the first time I knew she’d met her match. “Your sister told me that you and Alex got into, I didn’t think it was two tequila shots worthy.”

“It’s more like ten but I’m hosting all of these people in my life and still trying to impress a new guy. Can’t get too wasted…too early. Watch out later once people are gone or tomorrow night. I started the weekend off with a fucking bang.” The bartender put three shots of tequila down on the bar.

“Well, cheers to your surviving the weekend.” I clinked shot glasses with Ryan, we tapped them against the top of the bar and threw them back. Before he’d even gotten done making his ‘tequila shot’ face I slammed the other. 

“Shots already,” Dad said as he walked into the tent. 

“It’s been a rough day,” I answered. He kissed my temple before ordering a drink for himself. I saw Jeremy come outside and smiled. 

“You’re stupid if you think you still need to impress him,” Ryan whispered. “I’m a guy. I can tell you with 100% certainty he is not only impressed with you, he’s blown away. You’re a fucking catch, Charlie.”

“Thanks, Ryan. You’re sort of obligated to say that.”

“Oh no, I’m not. You’re my sister-in-law. You know how I feel about my brother’s wife. Sister-in-law does not require unconditional love and support.” I started to laugh. Frankie and Ryan both struggled with his brother’s wife. She was judgmental of the way they parented their kids and the lifestyle they lived in LA. Ryan’s brother still lived in Massachusetts where they grew up and worked with their Dad. His wife was a stay-at-home Mom to their three kids who were roughly the same age as my nieces and nephew. She sold some weird ‘health and wellness product line’ that someone sold her on in a Facebook message and claimed she was going to be a billionaire someday. In reality, she spent more on the products than she was ever going to make. She constantly judged Frankie for not only working full-time but also that she’d decided to go to law school. “I love you because I love you, Charlie. You are an absolute badass and were one of the things that made marrying your sister seem like such a great idea. I mean in general your whole family was, but you are one of my favorite people on this planet.”

“Only because I am the Frankie whisperer.” My sister could be a little high-strung. I usually knew exactly what to say to make her mad at me for about 45 seconds before realizing she needed to laugh and that I was awesome. 

“You are. It’s a skill I wish I had now that you don’t live nearby anymore. She’s been extra on edge lately. If you come home for a while this summer it will do all of us a world of good.”

“I’m coming home. Just don’t tell her or Jeremy yet.”

“Good. I’m glad. I miss having you around.” I hugged Ryan one more time before Jeremy slid up beside me and slid an arm protectively around my waist. 

“You okay?”

“Yeah, why?” I asked.

“I saw you and Ryan doing shots. I just wanted to check and see if that was the signal.”

“If the signal was shots we would both be fucked.” I rested my head on his shoulder as he kissed the top of it. “Thank you for being here. You have no idea how much I appreciate it. I’m going to owe you big time.”

“I’m sure we can come up with an appropriate method to pay me back.” I laughed at the tone of his voice. I knew what he meant and didn’t even have to look at him to confirm the smirk on his face. As our girls came running out the back door I lifted my head off of his shoulder and he dropped his arm. While it was painfully aware to everyone here that he wasn’t just my daughter’s best friend’s Dad we hadn’t really discussed telling the kids and we’d really only gone on one date. Trying to explain to the girls what that was seemed too complicated. Especially for this weekend. 

Everyone mingled for a while. There was lots of catching up, cocktails, and awkwardness between me and Alex. Sam’s parents clearly wanted to talk to both of us but neither of us was all that interested in talking to each other. I was really doing my best not to have a complete breakdown on the chic white couch that had been delivered to my backyard earlier today while we sat in conversation with Jane about how Robert’s most recent doctor’s appointment had gone. Robert was of course off with Jeremy, Ryan, and my Dad talking about cars, a conversation I’d much rather be in.

“How was the end of the school year?” Jane asked. She had made eye contact with me while she asked it but of course, Alex started to speak.

“The boys absolutely loved their teachers this year, they were of course in separate classes so as to not confuse the teachers. They both excelled tremendously and had straight As.” Internally I rolled my eyes. They weren’t at a point where grades should matter, honestly, grades should never matter because life is way more important than if you get a B+ or an A- but Alex would never see it that way. “Savannah will be taking more classes in fall but she’s only taking one online course this summer. She’s really loving school which makes me so happy. She’s decided to study early childhood education. I don’t know if that’s a permanent thing but following in my footsteps as a teacher would make me so proud.”

“Kindergarten went as well as could be expected,” I finally answered seeing the smile on Jane’s face change because Ellery was the kid she really wanted to hear about. “Ellie struggled with friends, for the most part, she’s very much her mother’s daughter, she doesn’t need a ton of friends, just a few great ones. She found Ava and latched on for dear life. They are inseparable which makes me really happy. This week was a bit rough, Ava was in Los Angeles with her mother so Ellery was a bit lonely. They’ve been able to still see each other nearly every day of break.”

“Ava and her Dad both seem wonderful,” Jane said. “I love seeing Ellie so happy with a friend.” I glanced at where Ellie, Ava, Harlow, and Aria were dancing together. 

“I do too. Ava is a great kid. It’s nice that they have built a friendship that even at such a young age is so close. It will also be nice that when we do need to be back in LA for something that it’s possible that Ava will be there too. Having kids with multiple homes is a struggle for friends, Ava was like the perfect fit.”

“Her Dad seems like a great fit too.” Jane nodded in Jeremy’s direction, his laugh had risen above the volume of the conversation and made me smile.

“He really is. He’s been an absolute blessing to have around. Tony’s surprise relocation was made significantly easier with his help. He was here to make sure that the guest house was ready for Tony to move into. He has helped with the kids when I needed to help Tony with stuff. He’s been a great addition to our lives. It’s also nice to have an adult friend who lives in Tahoe. The Moms at school and I never really meshed. My journey of motherhood has been so different than theirs. There isn’t a whole lot to relate to them about.”

“Understandable,” Jane said. “It’s nice that you’ve found that with Jeremy.”

“It is.” I smiled again. I could tell it was the giant smile that if Sam were here would make her immediately start doing her ‘you’re in love’ happy dance. I wasn’t in love but I was very much in like.

“How long does Jeremy plan on staying in Tahoe?” Alex asked. “He is an actor after all. I assume he has a movie set to get to.”

“He will at some point. It’s not really my business what his work schedule is like. I know that he’ll need to be in Atlanta at some point later in the year and that he has some work in LA later this summer. He slowed down his workload a lot with Ava starting school. Being a Dad comes first, the rest is secondary.”

“Will you be back in LA at all this summer?” Alex asked. I could tell she was pissed that she didn’t know the answer to this question.

“Yes, for how long though I don’t know. I think the plan is to do Ellery’s birthday party at my Dad’s place in Santa Barbara. Jane, I know with you being in Los Angeles for the trial that you’d be there and would need to travel back to celebrate our little girl turning 6 so we’ve started talking about planning the party there so you can stay at my condo and not have to travel back. Plus Ava will be in Los Angeles as are my nieces, nephew, and the twins. So we thought it just made sense for the group of us to go to LA instead of everyone coming back here for a birthday party. Outside of that, I’m really unsure how long I’ll stay. I need to start getting things prepared for fall. I need to get Ellery into a dance class and start finding some opportunities for Axel to make friends. The little guy needs more social interaction than Ellie, Ava, Savy, Tony, Jeremy and I.”

“He’s just getting so big so fast.” I was happy to see that his grandmother’s face showed love when talking about him. “He looks so much like Michael.”

“He does. He’s got a lot of his personality too. It makes me happy to have a miniature version of each of them around the house. Ellie and I sing musicals every morning while we get ready. Axel is already showing interest in drums. Tony has been playing them and Axel just sits there staring wide-eyed at him as he plays.”

“You and Sam with your musical mornings were the absolute worst,” Alex said laughing. “How does Ellery already know the words to them?”

“We listen to musicals instead of Kidz Bop.” It was sort of a ‘duh’ response but honestly, what did Alex expect the answer to be? Sam and Ellery had listened to musicals every day. She’d been able to sing the lyrics to Disney songs before she was actually able to form complete sentences on her own. “Her favorites are Hamilton, Dear Evan Hansen, and Rock of Ages. I mean we still listen to Disney soundtracks too. Let me tell you about how I know all of the words to every Descendants song. She picks up the lyrics to everything so quickly. We sing all day every day. It was something she loved doing with Sam so we still sing.”

“I’m so happy you’re keeping music in her life the way that Samantha and Michael always had. It’s a unique way for her to channel her emotions. It had always been such an important part of who Sam was.” Jane smiled at the memory and it tugged a little bit at my heart. “I remember her writing her first song when she wasn’t that much older than Ellery. It was absolutely terrible but as a mother, it was also the best song I’d ever heard. I can’t wait for Ellie to start writing her own music.”

“She’s getting close. I hear her singing to nonsense to the cats most days. She has completely choreographed dances to the entire Greatest Showman soundtrack. She’s possibly going to grow up to be an actress with her stage presence.”

“We can only hope that doesn’t happen,” Alex said. I rolled my eyes and this time it wasn’t all that hidden. 

“Whatever she does when she grows up I’m going to be proud of her. Singer, sales manager, actress or activist whatever that little girl puts her mind to she’s going to do perfectly.” I stood up. “I need to go check with the caterer to see how soon it is for dinner. Excuse me.” I walked to where Frankie was talking to the catering chef. 

“I am fucking miserable,” I mumbled. “Why did I agree to this?”

“You love Sam and Michael and you wanted to do this to honor them. It’s gonna be okay. Dinner will be served in about 20 minutes, they suggested we all get seated,” my sister answered.

“Oh thank fucking god. I also need another drink.”

“I have selected a wine for dinner that I can have served as soon as everyone is seated,” the chef said.

“Perfect.” I grabbed a fork from the table that was right beside them and taped it against the glass. “Hello everyone. First I want to say thank you to everyone for joining the kids and I tonight to celebrate as a family the life of Sam and Michael. Tomorrow will, of course, be filled with friends but tonight it was important to me that it just be the family.” Ellie came up to me and I reached down to pick her up and hold her. I felt my dress hike up weirdly and knew that somewhere Alex was huffing about how terrible my behavior was. “The chef has let me know that we are about 20 minutes away from dinner being ready and asked that we start getting seated. Ellie Belle, did you want to say anything first?” We’d practiced this yesterday and again today.

“My Mommy and Daddy were so lucky to have all of you in their lives and…” She paused clearly forgetting what was next. I whispered into her ear. “My baby brother and I are lucky to have all of you too. Thank you for coming tonight. Enjoy!” Everyone clapped as I kissed Ellery’s cheek.

“You did perfect baby girl.”

“Do I get to sit with Ava?”

“You do. There’s a little table set up for you, your cousins, the twins and Ava. Are you okay with that?” I asked. “You can sit with me if you’d rather.”

“No, I want to sit with my friends.” I hated the idea of the kids all having to sit together and away from the adults but it made the most sense. The table was set up right beside our main table and within reach of me, Savannah, and Frankie. I put her down and she ran to take her seat with her friends.

“She did so great,” Jeremy whispered in my cheek before kissing it softly. “Your practice run yesterday and today was totally worth it.”

“Tomorrow’s will be easier. She and Tony have practiced a song that they are going to do so she doesn’t really have to talk.”

“That will be fun. You ready to sit down?” I nodded. Jeremy put his hand on the small of my back as we walked towards the middle of the table where we were seated. I had Frankie on my other side and was directly across the table from Alex. Jeremy pulled out my chair and helped me sit down before taking his seat. The waiters came around pouring wine for everyone and leaving the bottles in ice buckets. “Alex, Savannah tells me that you just finished publishing your 6th book. Congratulations.” He was so cute for trying so hard.

“Thank you. It was a labor of love. I’m working on the next edition of a textbook I’ve written and should have it finished up in the next few weeks so it hits bookstores in time for fall classes.” Like every good professor, Alex wrote the textbooks she required her students to use so she made money off of them beyond being their teacher. 

“That’s great. I stole one of your books off of Charlie’s bookshelf and started reading it last night.”

“Which one?” Alex and I both asked. 

“I don’t remember the title. It was about how marriage, divorce and gender norms are portrayed in modern literature. It seemed pretty interesting. Having been divorced and the amount of reading I do for my job it was insightful. Something of the things I wish I’d realized before I got married.” I laughed, Jeremy made light about his divorce a lot. It was like me and my self-deprecating sense of humor. I think it’s part of why we got along so quickly, our humor is similar.

“Interesting that you’d pick that off of her shelf. Charlie has quite the collection of books.”

“I thought it might be nice to read one of your books before you got here. Charlie and Savy have both talked about your writing before so I was intrigued.”

“So Jeremy, I’m sure that Tony and Ryan have both asked but can you tell me anything about the next Avengers movie?” Max asked. I laughed as he betrayed his wife and fell victim to the same thing every other man ranging in age from 5 to 95 did when meeting a superhero. He’d attended a midnight showing or two with a group of us over the years.

“I can’t. Honestly, I don’t even know what the hell happens in it. They didn’t give anyone a full script for any of the movies after the first one. Mark tends to blow the secrets so they don’t let us see a full script. We get copies of our lines for the day and have about an hour to memorize them. I wasn’t even 100% sure I wasn’t in Infinity War until it came out.” I laughed.

“Sorry, I’m sure that gets annoying.”

“Nah, it’s okay. I get it. I grew up loving Spider-Man so I understand.” It was a canned response but I appreciated that he wasn’t trying to make Max feel like an idiot. 

“He also has put up with both of my brothers,” I said. “Can you imagine Tony and Ryan around this guy? Every single theory and question possible has been asked. There’s nothing that they haven’t already tried.”

“She’s right,” Tony added as he sat down next to Jeremy. “He’s tolerated us well.” Jeremy squeezed my brother’s shoulder.

“I don’t put up with you, kid. It’s more that I put up with your sister. She’s a handful.” My mouth dropped open and I punched him in the arm. “Ow.”

“She is a handful. I forgot what living with her was like.”

“You’re an ass sometimes,” I said quietly hoping the table filled with kids behind us didn’t hear me.

“You like my ass.” I rolled my eyes. 

“See what I have to put up with. These two tag team me. The last couple of days have been worse. Jeremy and Ryan have bonded.”

“Yes, yes we have,” Ryan added from his seat beside my sister. He and Jeremy high-fived over our heads. “He’s pretty cool and is pretty good at putting up with Charlie.”

“I hate you too, Ryan.” 

“You’re getting tag teamed by all of them,” Alex said. She smiled and it looked like her real smile. Was she going to crack and be okay? I wasn’t going to hold my breath but I was hopeful. Eventually, everyone was seated and the chef signaled that he was ready to bring out the food. I moved my chair back and stood up. 

“I want to first thank all of you for coming. This weekend is something I struggled with. I didn’t know how to approach it. It’s a hard weekend but today is also a celebratory day. Eight years ago tonight all of us gathered together to celebrate Samantha and Michael’s wedding. It was honestly one of the best nights of my life. Seeing my best friend so immensely happy and marrying the man of her dreams was as much a dream come true for me as it was for her. She deserved all the happiness the world had to offer. I saw her that happy a year ago too.” I felt the tears sting my eyes and my throat close up. Jeremy grabbed my hand, squeezing it. I glanced down at him to see him say ‘you’re okay’ and I took a deep breath. “Sam and Mikey dropped the kids off to me as they went out to celebrate 7 years of wedded bliss. They looked so happy. Having that image in my mind is what has gotten me through the last year, along with the support of all of you. The kids and I have come out of this year stronger than any of us could’ve imagined. It’s because of all of you. Tomorrow is an anniversary that I will dread for the rest of my life but today is the anniversary of one of the best days of my life. So tonight we celebrate the incredible, beautiful, and loving relationship that Sam and Michael had. We celebrate the two amazing children that relationship produced and we celebrate the family that has been created because of the love Sam and Michael shared. To Sam and Michael,” I said as I raised the glass of wine I had.

“To Sam and Michael,” the voices at the table responded. I took a drink of my wine before sitting back down.

“You did great, sis.” Frankie leaned over and rested her head on my shoulder.

“Thanks.”

“You really did,” Jeremy said. 

“Thank you.” I glanced back at the table of children all happily coloring the coloring sheets that Ellie had insisted I get for all of them. They were copies of the coloring sheets that Sam had made for the wedding. It made me happy to see all of the kids coloring all over them. Dinner went nicely. The conversation flowed well and was polite. There were a few fun stories shared about the wedding, Sam and Michael, the kids, and our fondest memories. It was, in general, a really happy and cheerful occasion which is what I’d hoped it would be. We said our goodbyes to Sam’s family as they were headed back to Reno. 

Once they were gone the night started to quiet down. All of the kids were put in bed despite their continual protests. Seeing all four of the girls crowded into Ellie’s room made my heart feel so full I thought it might burst. All of the adults ended up in the kitchen and living room with the remaining wine from dinner. 

“So are you going to apologize to each other?” Frankie asked Alex and I.

“I mean I’m sorry I yelled. But I’m not totally sorry about what I said. I’ve always felt like you judged me and thought like I was less than you. You’re the only person who has ever questioned my career choice and whether it was conducive to raising a family. Honestly, sometimes the things you say to me are so horrible and it’s like you don’t care that you hurt people with your words,” I said.

“I’m sorry you feel that way. I also know that sometimes you can be extra bitchy when you’re stressed and clearly you’re stressed.” Of course, Alex’s apology was the world’s most common apology. ‘I’m sorry you feel that way’ nowhere does she take ownership for how she makes others feel. 

“Ya think? I have a house full of people and generally speaking, I hate people.” Both Alex and Frankie laughed.  “I knew there would be a million questions about what is going on in my life right now.”

“Why didn’t you tell me about Jeremy?”

“Your exact response to him when you met him. You judge everyone in his profession because of one person. That’s not fair.” She rolled her eyes. She didn’t like being called on this, ever. “I hadn’t honestly told anyone in my family about it. Okay, that’s a lie. Stevie knows about him. She can tell by the tone of my voice if I’ve met someone. It’s her 6th sense, discovering romance.”

“He seems nice, but I just worry.”

“You worry for no reason. First of all, we’ve been on one date. One date that ended in my kitchen with my entire family. He didn’t run for the hills at that, which most sane men would. And for some reason, he didn’t bolt from the house witnessing me turn into a complete psycho bitch on you earlier. So he either kinda likes me or is completely crazy.”

“I’m a little of both,” Jeremy said as he approached the three of us, he wrapped his arms around my waist kissing just below my ear. With the kids in bed and the amount of wine we’d both had tonight, we were a little more touchy than we had been at dinner. “Alex, I have no intention of hurting her. She’s an incredible woman who frankly I’m surprised I got to agree to go on a date with me.”

“You almost didn’t.” I laughed as I spoke causing everyone else to laugh.

“She blew him off for like two weeks Mom. He’s been persistent in convincing her that not only is she allowed to have a life but he’d like to be part of it.”

“I promise, I’m not neglecting the kids. I’m not making your child raise my kids.” Her face contorted at ‘my kids’ and I knew she didn’t like the way I phrased it. They weren’t my kids, but they were mine.

“You should’ve been honest with me, even if you thought I’d be mad.”

“Yeah, because walking into one of your lectures is my favorite pastime. I know better. There wasn’t anything to tell you then. There is now. So I’ve told you. Jeremy isn’t likely going anywhere. Ava and Ellie love each other and it makes me happier than I could imagine to see her that happy. Added bonus her Dad happens to be mildly attractive and single.”

“Mildly attractive?” Jeremy asked as he leaned back from me, a look of shock on his face.

“I don’t need to enlarge your ego. I have to share a bed with it tonight.” This made the other people in the kitchen laugh. He laughed at me before giving me a kiss. It felt comfortable to be with him even if it was in front of my family and friends. He fit into this group of people perfectly and watching him expertly navigate all of them today had made me fall a little bit more for him. 

“Mmmmm bed.” At the mention of the word I yawned. “We should go to bed. You tossed and turned last night.”

“He stayed here last night?” Alex asked her voice again dripping with judgment.

“He did. I’ve been having nightmares where I am in their house, blood, and bullets everywhere and then I’m in the morgue staring at Sam’s cold, dead body. I typically wake up screaming. He thought that staying here might be nice so that I wasn’t alone.” Alex’s body sank. 

“I didn’t realize you were still having nightmares,” she replied.

“Yup.”

“I’m sorry.” 

“Thanks,” I replied. “Let’s go to bed.” I was done with this day. I didn’t want to deal with Alex anymore. I wanted my quiet bedroom. My warm, comfy bed. Jeremy’s body lying next to mine. I didn’t want to talk to anyone anymore. I just wanted to sleep.

“Get some rest, sis,” Frankie said. We hugged before Jeremy and I said the rest of our goodnights and headed up to bed. We were quiet while we changed into pajamas and I went through my nightly routine. I walked into my bedroom and climbed into bed next to Jeremy. He’d gotten in bed and turned the tv on. I said nothing I just curled into his body and laid my head on his chest, which had no shirt covering it tonight.

“I am sorry today was such a shit show.”

“You don’t owe me an apology. I get it. I’m honestly proud of you. You could’ve maybe handled it differently but being honest is something you needed to do.”

“I didn’t need to be a bitch but I don’t know that I’d have been capable of not being a bitch.”

“Don’t worry about it. I’m sure things will be okay in the morning.” He ran his fingers through my hair. I started to relax and get tired.

“Thank you for being here today and staying here tonight. It means a lot. Like more than I can really explain.” I moved so I could look him in the eyes, my chin resting on his chest. He bent down to kiss me.

“Nowhere else in the world I’d rather be, Charlie.” 

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PHEW! That was a lot. I know it was heavy and emotional and just...a lot. Charlie had CLEARLY been holding in some feelings about Alex for a really, really long time and just sort of word vomited them. Could she have handled it better? Of course. But I probably would’ve done the same thing. When you break a person it’s hard to get them to stop. There’s hope that things will be okay, but it will obviously take work from both of them that they may not be ready for. There’s a lot of baggage there to work through. I don’t know if you’ve ever had a friend like Alex, but I have and let me tell you, they are hard friendships to maintain. Most of the people like that in my life are gone. It was healthier for me to let the friendship go. 

Charlie’s family is basically my favorite thing. They are loud and crazy and fun and giving her shots before a dinner party. She’s lucky to have them and she knows it. Having all of them with her as she’s going through this weekend is good for her. Whether it’s her sister taking care of the party, her step-mom helping with the kids or Ryan there for comic relief everyone knows their job and fulfills it perfectly. 

And Jeremy. Oh, Jeremy. He is like the sprinkles on a donut, the cherry on a sundae, or the star on the top of a Christmas tree. He’s the perfect addition to the circle of people she’s built around her. He can read her. He wants to be there for her. No judgment, no prerequisites, nothing. He just wants to be there because he cares deeply about her. And she cares about him. Their relationship is developing beautifully into something that will have a significant impact on them. For Charlie to be willing to let someone in is a huge thing. For Jeremy to be willing to take on the challenge that Charlie’s life and circumstances bring is a huge thing. They each come with their own baggage and they are allowing each other to unpack it in a way that isn’t forced or uncomfortable. Writing their relationship as it develops makes me really happy and I truly enjoy doing it. So you reading this and enjoying it is the icing on the cake for me. 

Now the hard part. The email. I didn’t know how to fully convey what happened the year prior. I felt that Charlie’s emails to Sam were the best way to do that. She feels like she’s still able to be her most authentic self in those emails, the way she was with Sam when she was alive. Telling her truth and the way that the weekend haunts her was a huge part of healing and grieving. Telling it to Sam was the biggest part for Charlie. She’d never in those emails been honest about what happened. She sent happy snippets of life and the kids. Sure she has told her she’s sad and she misses her but to explain every detail of that weekend and what she went through was a moment she needed to get to. She needed to feel okay writing the words down, it might help her get through the nightmares a little easier.

I hope you’ve loved this chapter. It was a labor of love to write. I cried writing the email. I read it aloud to my Mom (who is probably my biggest fan - I am so lucky) and I sobbed. I openly wept. Not because I think I’m some phenomenal writer. But because Charlie lives inside me. She’s in my mind, in my heart. I become friends with my characters as I develop them and Charlie is someone I want to protect and keep safe. I want to take her pain away and telling that story was hard for her and for me. I would love to hear what you thought of this chapter. It would mean the world to me. My hope is that I can get started on the next chapter soon but playing catch up from being sick for 3.5 weeks with work has been challenging. Tonight I gave myself some time off to finish this because it was important to me.

Thank you for everything.

xx. Annie

[lovehaswonangelnumbers]

New Post has been published on https://lovehaswonangelnumbers.org/full-moon-lunar-eclipse-in-sagittarius-june-5th-2020/

FULL MOON Lunar ECLIPSE in Sagittarius June 5th 2020

FULL MOON Lunar ECLIPSE in Sagittarius June 5th 2020

By Mystic Mamma

*FULL MOON* Lunar ECLIPSE in SAGITTARIUS

June 5th 2020  12:12 pm PDT | 7:12 pm GMT 

June 6th 2020 6:12 am AEDT

★

With things in the state that they are right now, it should come as no surprise that we are headed into Eclipse season beginning with this FULL MOON Lunar ECLIPSE in Sagittarius on June 5th 2020.

Eclipses usually come sets of 2, but this year they come in sets of 3, so this is the first of these 3 consecutive Eclipses which continue to precipitate life-changing shifts.

Current Gemini energies continue to reflect and communicate the reality that we all experience life through different fractals. 

Our collective lens has focalized the experience of our black brothers, sisters and relatives that continue to be subjected to racism rooted in white supremacy and abuse that has been systematically allowed to perpetuate.

Our expanding realizations are transforming into bridges of solidarity and action calls to the ways we can each proactively participate in the active dismantling of the oppressive systems that we consciously or unconsciously maintain.

We are in a time of collective and personal awakening to what has been in the shadows, oppressive and imbalanced across our implemented systems as well as our personal myopic realities. 

The process of awakening can be painful, because new realities precipitate trajectory shifts.

In the process of things dismantling, disassembling, and crumbling, we can feel unstable and this is why change is often so dreaded.

But we are the changemakers of this time, and we are here at this time for a reason.

We each carry our own truth, but a universal truth is that we’re all here ultimately to learn to love.

All those who have had crossed over and come back through near-death experiences, and those who are mediums between worlds echo this truth: Life is a school of learning, and we are here to learn to love. 

At this time, like Rumi said,  that is our task, and not only to love but to seek to dissolve “all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.”

It is also a time to have courage and not be afraid to communicate, even as it makes us feel increasingly more vulnerable.

Vulnerability is the straight path of the heart, the direct access point.

Gemini continues to teach us that through communication we can heal our separateness and isolation.

As we’ve heard it said, the more difficult the subject, the more healing is to be gained from talking about it.

In what ways can we speak from our experience like elders, like our grandmothers and grandfathers, with compassion but with strength that illuminates another facet to be taken into account?

Like Einsten said “we cannot solve our problems with the same level of thinking that created them.” Let’s expand our thinking and let’s get massively creative with new ways to implement change.

Let’s use that surge of Sagittarius creative power to launch new Life affirming ways to support our existence and everyone’s right to Liberty. Because we’re in this together.

We are lovers, We are love. That’s what we are here to remember, here to learn, here to BE.

Here are the MYSTIC MAMMA Astral Insights from our beloved featured astrologers:

PAM YOUNGHANS from her NorthPoint Astrology says:

“Our Milky Way galaxy is part of a great river of galaxies that flows through space, being magnetically pulled in the direction of a massive galactic anomaly called Abell 3627, more commonly known as the Great Attractor (GA)…

“Our Lunar Eclipse this Friday is… aligned with the GA… (and) will be activating its influence in our awareness.

“Since the GA continuously draws us toward itself, it represents the inexorable pull of our Higher Destiny.

“When it is activated in our collective awareness through events such as an eclipse, new insights and unexpected viewpoints become possible.

“We can experience a major shift in our perceptions and beliefs, which in turn alters our trajectory. 

“Astrologer Philip Sedgwick, who has studied the GA in great depth, explains:

  ‘The enormous gravity of the GA actually bends light around it.

“It bends the light so much, that a glimpse of what is behind it can be taken.

‘This provides clear behind-the-scenes insights, while simultaneously offering other refractive illusions.’

  “Friday’s Eclipse, being conjunct the GA, represents a profound juncture in our evolution.

“As we stand at that crossroads, we must expand our understanding of reality, while also accepting that each person may rightly have their own version of truth. 

“Another quote from Sedgwick:

  ‘A narrow view (or opinionated nature) does not fit with the Great Attractor.

‘There is not one simple answer.

‘Perhaps each point of focus is only a fragment of the hologram of understanding.’

  “Sedgwick advises that in order to find our own truth, our own ‘fragment of the hologram,’ each of us must ‘Center the source of your light within the matter of your life. What matters clearly focuses your truth.’

“The last time we had a Lunar Eclipse that aligned with the Great Attractor was on June 4, 1993.

“Events that occurred around that time, and subsequent changes in our perspective, pulled us into a new future, perhaps a different destiny than the one we had thought we were building toward.

“We may have gone willingly toward that new future, but maybe not. And yet, looking back, we can see how essential that trajectory shift was, and how it forever changed the course of our life.

“We are at a similar time now. This Lunar Eclipse conjunct the Great Attractor alters the landscape, requiring us to reroute.

“In time, we will find that our new road is more aligned with that greater destiny we came here to fulfill.”

© Copyright 2020 PAM YOUNGHANS

  SARAH VARCAS from Astro-Awakenings.co.uk her says:

“An alliance between Chiron, Uranus and Mercury at the time of this eclipse unlocks fresh perspectives.

“But to benefit from them we must reclaim the fundamental right to honor our own experience and not have it dismissed, ridiculed or silenced if it runs contrary to the received wisdom of the time.

“This takes courage in a world where people are being demonized and discredited for daring to question… and reflect more deeply on the narrative they’re being fed.

“But if ever there was a time for courage it is now!

“Courageous thought, courageous speech, courageous hearts open to a new world in which we’re not told how things are but instead discern, through digesting many perspectives and listening, perhaps most importantly, to the voice within that knows truth..

“As we stand at this juncture in human history there are weighty choices to be made and we must each make them as best we can.

“This eclipse season will both reveal the shadow side of readily accepted sources of information – hidden interests, inaccurate assumptions, covert agendas –  as well as illuminate in their wake new sources of knowledge previously eclipsed by the might of received wisdom and unquestioned ‘truths’.

“The path ahead remains scattered with obstacles and the battle for dominion over the collective mind continues unabated.

“This lunar eclipse is just the beginning and there is much to be revealed and digested before we can decide, collectively, the quality of our future.

“Saturn is now retrograding through Aquarius before returning to Capricorn in July. (You can read more about what this means for us in terms of freedom of thought and speech in full here.)

“..Saturn is a key player in the unfolding of events this year. As signifier of the establishment and authorities, its alignment with Pluto speaks to the extension of government powers and the reduction of civil liberties.

“It illuminates who gets to shape a dominant narrative, how they do it, and the use of fear to suppress and control.

“Indeed, the Saturn / Pluto conjunction of January speaks far more deeply to issues of power and control than of health and disease, signifying the imposition of authoritarian power over the masses in ways never before seen on such a vast scale.

“As Saturn completes its shift from Capricorn to its new home in Aquarius during the course of 2020, it illuminates the suppression of free-thought and open debate.

“The silencing of free speech and what happens when those silenced refuse to be so…

“Initially, Saturn in Aquarius can continue to manifest as the metaphorical boot that kicks dissenters back into line, stifles independence and acts contrary to collective well-being.

“It’s the fear of having to think for yourself in a confusing and paradoxical world.

“It wants to be told what to think and believe, who to love, who to hate, how to keep yourself safe…

“As Saturn tiptoes from the familiarity of conventional perception (Capricorn) to the uncharted terrain of independent thought (Aquarius) this year, fear arises: What if I’m wrong? They’re the experts. What would I know? How do I justify gut instinct when what it tells me goes against the grain of accepted belief? What if I’m left standing alone in my beliefs, ridiculed for daring to think differently? What if I’m roundly rejected, left in a group of one?

“But Saturn is nothing if not steadfast!

“Its presence in Aquarius empowers us to think for ourselves whatever it takes.

“To take responsibility for our own well-being. To enjoy maturity of thought and behaviour, not surrender our sovereign view to a surrogate ‘parent’ who tells us what to believe.

“Saturn in Aquarius reminds us that even the oft-uttered refrain ‘everything is happening as it should’ doesn’t mean there’s nothing to be done but let it all unfold.

“We don’t download awakening, we cultivate it, nurture it, question those aspects of self that mitigate against it.

“And in doing so we discover that wise action in this moment can change the next.

“That by being present to the full triumph and catastrophe of the human experience we can recalibrate it and shape the course of history rather than simply be shaped by it.

“And we’re currently living at a historical crossroads of monumental proportions.

“To choose well we need to harness the power of Saturn’s journey into Aquarius to engage courageous thought and nurture fresh perspectives.

“Not to stifle debate and feed the fear of dissent.

“Black Moon Lilith and Chiron were conjunct the Sun when Saturn first entered Aquarius in March 2020, highlighting the influence its Aquarian journey would have over our individual and collective sense of self.

“They affirm the healing radiance of the human spirit and the unadulterated power unleashed when we remember who we really are – divine through and through, and equally human. Of this world and all others everywhere.

“This power cannot be diminished by tyranny or lies, by manipulation or fear.

“It is unassailable. Always. And it knows the truth. We know the truth. This is the message of Saturn in Aquarius…

“It’s a long road ahead. Courage will be needed.

“As will a sense of humor and the ability to know when to speak up and when to keep one’s counsel for a more propitious time. No outcome is assured so complacency is best avoided.

“That said we need to know our own limits and take care of ourselves first and foremost.

“Saturn in Aquarius can be a game changer if we let it, opening up debate, revealing hidden truths and endowing each and every one of us with a deep sense of responsibility for what we believe, such that simply accepting what we’re told by anyone will be anathema to our finely tuned moral compass.

“Let the prevailing narrative place its evidence alongside that of alternative views. Let us debate and explore, question and analyze. Let us be convinced of an argument, not receive our beliefs by dictate.

“But most of all, let Saturn in Aquarius cement the sovereignty of our mind and our right to form our own opinion from external evidence and our internal knowing about it…

“For whatever’s going on in this world today, it is we the people, not the privileged elite with vested interests in our obedience to their cause, who can – and must – decide the shape our lives take from here.”

© Copyright 2020 SARAH VARCAS

  DIVINE HARMONY says:

“The North Node in Gemini is about coming back to beginner’s mind. This is about cultivating the mind of a child- full of openness, curiosity and generosity.

“This is about saying ‘show me where I am wrong’ and ‘hmm I don’t know- what is the Truth here? Show me the Truth Universe.’

“The Highest expression of Gemini is open mindedness.

“The karmic South Node in Sagittarius highlights where we do the opposite of this. This is where we have hubris, self righteousness and dogma.

“This is where we think MY beliefs are the right ones and yours are the wrong ones- you just need to listen to me, I will teach you the RIGHT way of doing things/seeing things/believing.

“In any conflict if anyone is coming from this position I can guarantee you it is a no win situation.

“But cultivating an open mind and willingness to see other perspectives and work to understand other positions WILL open doors in communication rather than close them.

“The thing to remember here is when we listen to another’s perspective it’s not about right or wrong. It’s about understanding where another comes from.

“Understanding another person’s world view and lived experience…

“Vesta is conjunct the North Node – drawing us forward to our Sacred Focus and Greatest Devotion.

“The North Node is in Gemini but Vesta is in Cancer- the sign of the Great Mother.

“One of the great necessities of this time is to honor and reinstate the Divine Feminine…

“The denial of the Mother has had horrific ramifications on our planet.

“The Feminine elements are Earth and Water- body and soul, physical reality and emotion…

“We need to heal our disassociation from our emotions and (Water) and our detachment from and abuse of the body (Earth).

“If we were fully connected to these elements we could NEVER harm another person, dump toxic poison in the water or air, abuse a child, kill, murder or go to war.

“If everyone’s heart chakra was fully open we would FEEL what we do to another and we would never be able to do the horrific things happening on the planet right now.

“Reclaiming and restoring the Divine Feminine to her rightful place is NECESSARY… (and to be clear- this is not about men vs women- as men and masculine identified beings have an inner feminine just as women and feminine identified beings have an inner masculine)

“Use this sacred Eclipse portal to question your assumptions, beliefs, attitudes and ways of perceiving the world around you.

“Use this time to anchor more deeply into your heart, compassion, empathy and love for all beings- human, animal and non-human- everywhere.

“Use this portal to open up to Higher Truths that go beyond ego-mind perspectives. See beyond the veil of delusion/illusion/manipulation so you can get to the Truth.

“Start with yourself (do your shadow work) and then extend that inner work out into the world around you.”

© Copyright 2020 DIVINE HARMONY

And ELLIAS LONSDALE interpretation of the Chandra symbol for this Full Moon Eclipse is:

SAGITTARIUS 16:A man shearing sheep.

“Practical fortitude. Resiliency to keep finding a way to do it, to keep discovering how to get through the deepest quandaries, the greatest karmic traps. Ingenious and resourceful. Paying attention to the cues, going to get it right.

“You’re involved within a path which requires discipleship or apprenticeship, learning the ropes. Building up fresh capacity in this lifetime to scale the heights. But you remain preoccupied and absorbed within honest tasks.

“A pervasive conviction grows and forms, of how it really is.

“You’re willing to take every step to reach a far goal, and attentive to what is really there. A throwback to the old ways of a rural past.

“Oddly comfortable in adopting forms and moving through phases and taking on the worlds.

“The journeyman learns the ways of the journey and gathers Earth wisdom in small bundles.

“Knowing how to be there when it counts.“

© Copyright 2020 ELLIAS LONSDALE

This has been a very tough week. For me personally, I lost one my very best friends and allies on this physical plane. This last line, “Knowing how to be there when it counts,” is what she embodied and reason we all continue to do what we must.

Sending so much love to each of our hearts during this trying passage,

With all my heart~

MM ☾☾☾

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