Déjà Vécu: Chapter Twenty-Eight
Chapter Twenty-Eight : Foundation
Summary: Lupin can't draw.
Characters: Remus Lupin/Reader, Sirius Black/Reader (no use of y/n), James Potter, Petter Pettigrew, Regulus Black, Marlene McKinnon, Mary MacDonald, Lily Evans
Warnings: 18+ Only, Minors DNI
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August 10th, 1976
Remus forgave Sirius over the summer. She wasn’t sure of the specifics, nor did she pry, but the four boys had apparently spent time together at Potter Manor and fought it out. James had invited her to visit, a few times actually, to which she politely declined each and every letter. She just couldn’t see Sirius. Though the incident had been months prior, the rage was still there, waiting just under the surface for her to break. She didn’t ask Remus why he had decided to speak to Sirius again, frankly she didn’t care, his reasons were his own. He had tried to explain parts of Sirius’ alleged reasoning behind the betrayal, calling it a “prank gone wrong”, but she shut him down quickly. There was no excuse for what he did, and the attempt to blame it on Sirius’ lingering trauma was a slap in the face after all of the time she had spent consoling and helping him heal from his family. The progress she thought they had made was for nothing. He had proven his parents right, he was truly the heir to the noble House of Black.
The summer was relaxing otherwise, and she was able to spend a lot of time with her parents, much to their elation. The three of them went on weekly excursions to museums and parks, soaking up culture and experiencing all that the muggle world had to offer. She hadn’t realized how much she’d missed it. In early August, they took a trip to the British Museum to see a new opening of a show on Impressionism. As her mother stood entranced by the pastel hued works, she snuck off to wander the halls. On one of the upper floors, there was a nearly deserted gallery dedicated to prints and drawings, and she almost sighed with relief at finally being away from crowds of people.
Posting up on one of the slatted wooden benches, she pulled out her sketchbook and began to draw. When she finished a delicate rendition of a Circe print that had caught her eye, she tapped the book covertly with her wand, showing it to Remus. A few short moments later he replied in his normal scratchy handwriting.
She reminds me of you.
She bit back a laugh, scribbling a note back to him, How so?
A few moments lingered again.
Powerful sorceress, good with herbs and potions, loves to hang out with animals.
I’m a witch, not a sorceress, Remus.
She could practically hear his laughter through the paper, You’re splitting hairs, love.
He followed the message with a crudely drawn doodle of a wolf, a stag, a little rat, and a dog. At least...she assumed that’s what it was.
———
September 1st, 1976
For the first time in her Hogwarts career, she sat with Lily, Mary, and Marlene in their compartment on the way to school. She had spotted the boys on the platform upon arrival, offering a small wave to Remus, Peter, and James. When she had turned to follow Lily onto the train, James yelled for her, voice laden with confusion. He must’ve thought the summer would have tampered her feelings. She looked back to see Remus whispering in his ear, James nodding to her in understanding.
Sirius stood behind them, watching her from afar.
During the feast that night, she ate amongst her fellow Hufflepuffs, the house that she loved and admired, but still did not feel quite at-home in. Across the Great Hall, her friends were laughing, and her heart began to break.
———
September 24th, 1976
Remus was practically on his knees begging. So far, he’d harassed her at breakfast, in the corridor after her first class, and again at lunch. Now he was caging her between his arms against a pillar in the central hall, pleading with her to come to a party in Gryffindor Tower that night.
“Please, please, pleaseeeeee!” He whined, “Please don’t leave me alone with them.”
She sighed, “I said no, Remus.”
“But it’s Peter’s birthday party, he’ll be upset if you’re not there.”
She cut him a look, “He’ll get over it, I promise.”
“Please,” he stooped down to her eye level, “I’m begging you. I’ll owe you for life. Just come with me to the party, you can stay by my side and I won’t even let Sirius near you.”
She almost winced at his name.
“Remus…” She didn’t want to think about Sirius. Didn’t want to breathe the same air as him. Just seeing him in passing was like being stabbed in the gut repeatedly. She wasn’t sure if she could weather it.
Remus’ eyes softened, “I know, I’m sorry. I just…I’ve missed you being around, and I know James and Pete have too. You can’t stay away from us forever, you’re an honorary Marauder.”
A laugh burst out of her mouth, “I’m sorry, a what?”
He smiled, “The Marauders. It’s the name we came up with over the summer at James’. Well, he came up with it, we all just went along when he wouldn’t stop saying it.”
“That’s the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever heard,” she chuckled again.
Remus laughed too and hugged her, “I know it is, but you’re a part of it too. I need you, the boys need you. Please come tonight.”
She melted into his embrace, savoring the warmth that only seemed to radiate from Remus.
“Fine,” she groaned, earning herself a squeeze and a kiss on the top of her head.
“Brilliant, I’ll see you at 9,” and Remus finally let go and shot her a satisfied wink before he ran off to class.
———
She’d been to so many Gryffindor parties that she couldn’t keep track, and each one had felt like a house party filled with her closest friends, no matter the occasion. Tonight though, she felt like she was walking into the lions den (no pun intended). The rhythm of her heart threatened to drown out the booming sound of The Ramones blaring through the common room. Even though it was Pete’s birthday party, Sirius had clearly commandeered the music selection.
She searched for Remus, finally landing on his shaggy brown hair sitting next to James near the fire. Pushing through bodies, she dropped between her two friends with a dramatic sigh.
“There she is!” James yelled, spilling some sort of amber liquid on the floor. He grabbed her face and kissed her cheek aggressively.
She laughed and shook him off, “Are you pissed?”
James smiled, his eyes starting to become distant, “I’m gettin’ there.”
Remus leaned in to whisper in her ear “This is precisely why I needed you here. I can’t deal with all of them drunk off their asses.”
She let out another laugh as she noticed Lily stalking across the room towards the record player, stopping the needle abruptly.
The loud shout from the other side of the common room could only be one person.
“Oi! Evans! What’re you doing!” Sirius grabbed the record from her hands like a precious jewel.
Lily pulled out another album, flashing him a wicked smile, “I’m trying to liven up this party with some dancing.”
When the needle hit, Abba began to play, leading to a loud shriek from a few girls around the party, including herself and Mary. Lily met her eyes from across the room and held out an inviting hand.
She paused for a minute, knowing that Sirius was within earshot, knowing he would be watching.
Fuck it.
She leapt up and grabbed Lily’s hand, the two of them spinning and moving to Waterloo. Mary and Marlene flanked them, the latter dragging Dorcas along and coercing her to join in. She forgot about the party, forgot about the room entirely, and most importantly, she forgot about Sirius. All she knew was her friends dancing beside her, laughing and smiling. She briefly locked eyes with Peter, standing behind the couch and laughing along to their dancing. Wiggling her fingers in his direction she called to him, “C’mon birthday boy, dance with me!” Pete beamed and spun her around, falling into step easily. He was a particularly good dancer, much to her surprise.
“How’d you get so good at this?” she said over the music. Pete spun her wide, pulling back to have her pressed to his chest as they swayed.
“Perks of growing up with an older sister, I suppose,” he laughed into her ear.
She smiled, the first genuine one she’d had in a while.
“I’m glad you came tonight,” Pete said quietly, “I’ve missed you, it’s been weird not having you around.”
She reached up and scratched his head fondly. Pete leaned down and kissed her cheek, finally giving her one last twirl. As the music faded and the room stopped spinning, her eyes landed on Sirius holed up in a corner of the room, tossing back what she knew wasn’t his first firewhisky. His eyes never left hers as the glass drained down his throat.
When the next song began to play, she sat back beside Remus, out of breath but feeling rejuvenated. James had gotten up and was now talking to Lily, who it seemed had finally begun speaking to him again, a small blush creeping up her freckled face.
Remus put his arm around her, “It’s good to see you smile again.”
She leaned her head on his shoulder, listening as a few 3rd years began to sing along to Sitting In The Palmtree, and relaxed.
———
If James Potter was one thing, he was a man of his word; and that man was good and truly pissed within the first hour of her being at the party. Her and Remus watched him from the window, dancing and singing atop a table to Elton John.
“He’s actually not bad,” Remus mused, fishing a pack of cigarettes from his pocket. He held one out, which she accepted as they both watched James spin around, using a bottle as a microphone.
She hummed as Remus lit both cigarettes, propping open the window to blow smoke out into the cold air.
“So,” He took a drag and side-eyed her, “are you happy you came?”
She flicked at the filter, not wanting to give Remus the satisfaction of being right.
“Yes…” she mumbled, taking another drag and refusing to look at him.
She heard him laugh quietly beside her, leaning over to kiss her head, “I’m glad. I want things to go back to normal.”
She sighed a trail of smoke, the tendrils curling around her face as she stared out into the night. “I’m not sure if it can, Moony. Maybe it can get better, but it can’t be like it was.”
Remus didn’t push her, just stood in companionable silence as they watched the stars. She tossed her cigarette butt out the window, the embers dancing in the breeze.
“It’s fuckin’ freezing,” She rubbed her arms, “Mind if I borrow one of your jumpers?”
Remus took a final pull of his cigarette and nodded, “Go ahead, you know where they are, top drawer.” He motioned towards the boys dorm.
She weaved through the (now mostly drunk) partygoers, grabbing Lily once to twirl her around before heading up the stairs to the boys bedroom. The sound of people at the top of the spiral staircase made her cringe, she didn’t feel like walking through two horny 4th years trying to get off in the solitude of the upper levels. As she turned the corner to the top landing, she came face to face with a pretty blonde entangled with a dark haired boy. The girls’ hands were fumbling with his pants as he moved to kiss up her neck sloppily. Even from across the landing she could tell both of them were completely drunk.
“Can you two have intercourse somewhere else? Maybe somewhere more private?” She called, moving towards the dormitory door.
The boy looked up and she froze. Sirius’s blue eyes shot through her and for a moment, she couldn’t breathe. For what felt like an eternity, he stared at her, and she could have sworn something like longing flickered behind his drunken gaze. As quickly as she saw it, it was gone, replaced by a smug expression that she had seen Regulus wear too many times to count.
“C’mon Em,” he slurred, “Let’s go to my room.”
“You can at least wait until I leave, you know,” she shot at him, surprising even herself.
Sirius turned around slightly as he opened the dormitory door, “What’re you even doing up here?” His voice was cold, and it shook her to the core.
“Remus said I could borrow one of his jumpers,” she muttered, suddenly feeling so small under his scrutiny.
Without another word, Sirius dragged the blonde girl into the dormitory, collapsing onto his bed. The girl climbed on top of him and they resumed the exploration of each other’s mouths.
The last thing she wanted was to be seen as weak, let alone by Sirius fucking Black of all people. She squared her shoulders and strode to Remus’ closet, making a loud show of finding the right drawer containing his jumpers. As she aggressively slammed one of them shut, Sirius moaned loudly. He was playing the game too, it seems.
Ripping a green and brown jumper from the top drawer, she spun around to find him glancing up at her from beneath the girl, eyes challenging as his hands continued to roam her body.
She wouldn’t let him win this.
She tore off her shirt and tossed it onto the floor, standing in the center of the room in just jeans and a bra and stared back at him, face cool and expressionless. She stood there for a beat, watching as Sirius’ mouth went slack, causing his partner to whine against his lips. At the sight of his barely contained shock, his eyes briefly jumping from her face to her chest, she pulled Remus’ jumper over her head and stormed out, slamming the door behind her.
———
October 15th, 1976
Emmeline Vance had a death wish, though she didn’t know it. Apparently the fondling during Peter’s birthday party wasn’t a one time thing, and the blonde was now an almost constant fixture at their table in the Great Hall. The entire situation made everyone uncomfortable, but none of them had the guts to tell Sirius to cut it off. The little Ravenclaw sat in his lap, her favorite seat apparently, and her hands would be on him in some capacity at all times.
The sight of them made her physically ill, so after a week of trying to suck it up and just not look at his side of the table, she decided to sit with the Hufflepuffs, much to Remus and James’ frustration.
She didn’t like Emmeline, it wasn’t like when Sirius had dated Mary a few years ago. Mary was fun, and witty, and could match Sirius on his attitude any day. Emmeline was a parrot, just giggling and repeating everything he said, no real opinion or thoughts on any topic. The worst thing about her though, was that she was mean. Not cruel in the way that Regulus and his group of assholes were, but she was rude and stuck-up, especially to younger years. One morning, a small 1st year had accidentally bumped her with their schoolbag when leaving the Great Hall, and Emmeline had shot them a death glare and spat “Watch where you’re going, idiot.” The first year scuttled off, looking on the verge of tears.
She almost leapt across the table and strangled her. But if that was the type of girl Sirius wanted, then fine.
The rest of the group largely ignored them, not that Emmeline seemed to mind, she only cared about touching Sirius, kissing Sirius, groping Sirius, and licking Sirius (as they all had the pleasure of witnessing early one Wednesday morning; Peter had choked on his tea).
She tried to move on, tried training her heart to not reach for Sirius every time she passed him in the corridors. At times when he would creep into her thoughts, she quickly shut down an impenetrable wall of steel, blocking out the memories of him entirely; the color of his eyes, the sound of his laugh, the feeling of his chest rising and falling as he slept.
Eventually, Sirius became an afterthought, a bookmark in a chapter of her life that she had closed. And slowly, but surely, she moved on.
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You know that thing where I said “J.R.R. Tolkien used the word “escapism” to mean that fantasy is like a prisoner of war escaping from captivity in a dark and horrible place to get back home where you belong?”
Well sometimes between Barbie and the news and Tui T. Sutherland turning my favorite kids’ book series progressive, I just want to escape this dark horrible craziness of the world and get back to good plain sense.
Here’s my current “Get Your Head Back On Straight” list.
For Romance:
Little Women, by Louisa May Alcott
Tenant of Wildfell Hall by Charlotte Brontë
Cinderella (2015)
THE BOOK OF RUTH IN THE BIBLE
Mansfield Park by Jane Austen
Far From the Madding Crowd (book or movie)
Anne’s House of Dreams by L.M. Montgomery
Rebel Without a Cause
For Fantasy:
Any original Disney Princess Movie except maybe Moana and Raya and the Last Dragon. Bonus points if you pay attention to what the Princesses think is important/how they change the minds of those around them.
The Princess and the Goblin by George MacDonald
Phantastes by George MacDonald
The original Lord of the Rings trilogy by J.R.R. Tolkien
The Chronicles of Narnia by C.S. Lewis
Cinderella (2015)
The Once and Future King by T.H. White
The Snow Queen by Hans Christen Anderson
Over the Moon
For Sci-Fi:
Lilo & Stitch (2002)
E.T. the Extra-Terrestrial
Out of the Silent Planet by C.S. Lewis
Star Wars (prequels, originals, and the first two sequels for themes of faith ((doing what you know is right regardless of how you feel because you’re promised a good result)))
For Horror:
Frankenstein by Mary Shelley
Wagner the Wehr-Wolf by George W.M. Reynolds
Bisclavret
The Phantom of the Opera (the book)
The Were-Wolf by Clemence Housman
Dr. Jekyll & Mr. Hyde by Robert Louis Stevenson
The Invisible Man (the book)
The Wolf-Man (1941)
For Drama:
Sunset Boulevard
Saving Mr. Banks
East of Eden
Rilla of Ingleside by L.M. Montgomery
For Action-Adventure/Superhero:
Captain America: The First Avenger
Captain America: The Winter Soldier
The Jungle Tales of Tarzan (especially The God of Tarzan) by Edgar Rice Burroughs
The Jungle Book (the book)
For Music:
The Gray Havens
Kings Kaleidoscope
The Oh Hellos
Twenty One Pilots (in moderation, pre-Trench)
I dunno, maybe I’ll add to this as I go along trying to diet from the current crap.
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