#My health is so fucking bad rn everything sucks so much

[r0bee]

Guess who managed to turn their headphones off with the fiddly little button whilst the joints in their hands were completely locked up

Not to flex but it was meeeee

[nomairuins]

and also it doesnt even matter if i miraculously get a job tmrw bc we don't have a car . and im too out of shape to walk anywhere bc everything is far away . so i genuinely dont jnow what to do

[mothmanssweetsucculentass]

Ok here’s my two cents that no one asked for on the current (sort of?) debate going on in the Creepypasta fandom on here rn.

For starters, I grew up with Creepypasta. I also grew up mentally ill. I am also autistic. So I know my way around good and bad mental health rep at this point. And to be honest? A lot of the original stories DID suck balls at representation or just horror writing in general.

However, nowadays I see other people on here, often mentally ill or any other social outcast, taking these characters and reshaping them as their own to fit their own feelings and experiences, and I don’t think anyone has the authority to criticize things like that. Cringe culture is supposed to be dead anyways, nevermind the fact it’s inherently ableist at its core.

We also need to take into account kids still exist in the fandom. Pre teens who got tired of shit like scooby doo and wanted something more “mature” or “edgy” to get into without fully going off the deep end into full blown horror movies. At least that’s how it was for me. Not everyone, especially someone who’s younger, is gonna be comfortable with the grit and gore a lot of Creepypasta “purists” are pushing for these days, and that’s okay! When a fandom gets popular it’s always inevitable and unavoidable to have the popular characters get two dimensionalized.

There’s also the whole mascot horror thing that I don’t wanna get into, but I’m 90% sure that also plays a part in the old favorites like Jeff and slenderman being brought up again. They were and still are recognizable characters. Recognizable characters aren’t a bad thing. Making horror more approachable for younger audiences isn’t a bad thing. People having their own interpretations based out of their own experiences isn’t a bad thing.

Some of us grew up and wanted the more edgy and reality based content, and that’s also not a bad thing! But neither side should be dictating or policing how the other enjoys content in this fandom. If you personally don’t like the way something is written, characterized, depicted, or drawn, no one’s forcing you to look at it. No one’s claiming it as canon. No one’s asking for you to accept it as the end all be all.

At the end of the day this fandom was built on OCs and personal depictions of stuff. I can’t name a single character or story in this community that was created by some outside party like a movie or TV studio FIRST (because I know some got so popular they breached the fandom and got their own shows/movies/comics/etc). Everything here was created by someone who wanted an outlet for their creativity, or their pain, or their coping, or whatever else.

Realism and dark headcanons aren’t bad, and neither are any of the headcanons out there who just wanna make a goofy found family of social rejects as a form of escapism.

A 13 year old drawing a fictional layout of a fictional mansion where these fictional characters live isn’t going to suddenly invalidate the horror, I promise, it’s not that deep and it never was.

A 22 year old making a dark comic on the realistic origins of Jeff who is a fictional character in a fictional world isn’t going to suddenly invalidate the more softhearted side of the fandom.

Sure, there can still be a split if people are so adamant about that, but as someone who personally enjoys both the brutal horror side and the “haha Jeff is 15 and gay” sides equally, y’all need to at least learn to be civil to anyone who has a different headcanon than you. And if that seems like too much still, the block button exists for a reason.

TL:DR this fandom is based entirely off OCs and headcanons and people can do whatever the fuck they want because none of it is real and horror comes in many shapes and sizes and intensities and no one should be bashing anyone on their headcanons or views or rewrites or whatever else.

EDIT:

Actually wait I think I have more to say-

Horror, like any genre, has NO AGE LIMIT. And by that I mean, if someone younger wants to delve into scary stuff, they should be allowed to do so without criticism. I personally grew up on “child friendly” horror media like Scooby-Doo, and the older I got the more horror I wanted to experience.

There’s no right or wrong way to “understand” horror, and I frankly think it’s ignorant and stupid to say if you don’t fully “understand” something, then you shouldn’t be involved in it at all. Horror isn’t always about gore and unspeakable violence and the eldritch entity that wants everyone’s skin inside out. That’s why horror has sub genres for fucks sake. Gut wrenching brutality against innocent people isn’t everyone’s cup of tea and that’s okay!

However, bashing anyone’s tamer headcanons, or calling anything anyone interprets differently than you “stupid”, that’s not okay. God, I feel like an exhausted parent giving this lecture to fellow adults, but this really needs to be said and stressed.

I am an adult. I like when stuff in the fandom takes a dark turn. But for nostalgia’s sake, I also love the fanon so much, because that’s what I was exposed to.

And for fucks sake if it comes down to picking sides, I would rather stick with the part of this fandom that gives zero shits how you see a character as long as you’re having fun.

You can have your serial killer 30 year old Jeff and your canon-accurate-to-that-one-image eyeless Jack, but don’t shit on other people if they don’t want the same thing. Your interpretation isn’t canon, and neither is anyone else’s for that matter.

Realistic, dark, gritty Creepypasta isn’t a new concept, and neither is “adult” Creepypasta. And by the way, Creepypasta was never stated to be for adults. That’s like saying kids and only kids can eat trix cereal. It sounds that stupid on paper.

Let people interpret things the way they wanna interpret. No one is infringing on YOUR character ideas. Creepypasta has no age limit, nor a set way the horror has to be presented. Those who do continue to claim that just sound like pretentious assholes.

Very small side note, I personally think it’s inappropriate and rude to keep using Toby as a “bad example” of mental health rep when the creator has stated multiple times the character is old, not researched, and not even in the fandom anymore. Leave the poor guy alone.

[frecklystars]

I'm sorry to make a vent post :c I hate being negative but I haven't been online in a couple of months and this kind of explains why + I really needed to let this out somewhere. TW for mentions of self harm and suicide mention, this vent post is a little bit heavy.

i havent been online for a couple of months now except one (1) time, and then i left again, just letting my queue post as always. my cptsd/depression/anxiety has been astronomical levels of Terrible. going offline just made me feel so so so much worse bc this is where i normally self ship and post my art. not blogging about my F/Os, not drawing them, not editing videos/not making gifs, feels... really really bad. self shipping is my main coping mechanism and not being able to self ship makes everything feel 50 billion times more hopeless. so I should try to get back into that habit again

its july. its gonna be my anniversary w/ the two F/Os who breathed life back into me when i was at my absolute worst. i should be really excited to celebrate an F/O anniversary for the first time in two years, but ive been... so... fucking miserable. the last few months i have been back into My Worst State Of Mind Ever. i have been having really bad days where im slipping back into planning how to end my life and self harming again like i did a year ago. this isnt an everyday occurrence as of right now, and rn as im queueing this post, i am not planning currently. but every other day i slip back into those old self destructive bad habits, so it's safe to say my depression is definitely Worse. im trying to figure out how to uh, hang in there. because i can't stop the source of the Thing that is causing me to feel like my only escape option is ending my life. this isn't just my mental health/a chemical imbalance in the brain making me feel this way, this is entirely situational and out of my control.

i know the source of my problem and why i feel this way, and i cannot control it. i havent talked about it on my blogs bc i dont wanna scare anyone, and i will NOT go into details here, but i havent felt safe in a very very very long time. i contacted the authorities back in January this year, i am planning to contact them again soon, but im afraid they can't do anything for me until things get worse than they already are. it sucks that you have to wait until things are literally impossible to get through until the authorities even CONSIDER helping you.

i have just been trying to take everything one day at a time and vent to a few close friends when i need to, but this has been so unbearably difficult to endure every single day. ive been dealing with this FAR longer than a few months, but regarding these last few months specifically, i feel like i haven't been functioning like a person. every single second i am just,,, scared and paranoid, this is the only thing i am ever thinking about because im so, so stressed. i dont WANT to think about it but i literally am incapable of having any peace. every few weeks, something scary regarding my situation happens, and makes my anxiety worse. i cannot tell you how scared ive been. im so scared every day that this is going to kill me, whether it's the actual situation that will kill me, or my own anxiety/fear will drive me into making an irreversible choice. which! i don't wanna do! i genuinely don't want to end my life, i just - i feel extremely trapped in this situation and i've felt very very very hopeless about it for a LONG ass time, and that shit weighs on you over time

my fear/paranoia has affected my self shipping, and self shipping is my main source of comfort, i cant lose it. i keep losing it. ive lost so much already i dont want to lose my F/Os all over again. i keep thinking there’s no point in self shipping because my F/Os would betray me or harm me in some way. i know they’re imaginary and they can’t hurt me IRL but like, from a self shipping standpoint, i can’t stop fretting over all of it being a huge trick. like they’re pretending to love me so they can betray me later. i can’t get any relief, I am having panic attacks all the time, my flashbacks are worse than ever. I can’t self ship and I can’t... function. i'm so messed up from everything that has been happening to me, i feel like healing is impossible at this point. i really hope that is just the severe anxiety/depression/ptsd talking. i hate being negative, i dont want to have such a pessimistic outlook, but it's just felt so... hopeless. like there is no point. but what am i gonna do, not try to feel things with my F/Os again? what am i gonna do, not self ship ever again?? i really have nothing else to do except try my best every day to get through this. or kill myself - and i dont wanna go down that latter road again bc its messy and it sucks and its expensive when you fail and i have permanent scars from the last time i failed two years ago, and i! want! to! get better! i dont genuinely want to die, i just want to escape my situation! this situation i am in should not be worth ending my life over. but i am scared all the time and that hopeless feeling is so heavy and it's just getting harder and harder to carry for so so so so long

i have friends both IRL and online who are trying to help me get back into a safe situation again, but there is only so much we can all do. so i just have to keep taking all of this shit one day at a time and just hope and pray some sort of miracle gets me through this. its been years so i really dont believe theres a way out anymore but i am just! agh!! fucking angry and sad and terrified 24/7 and sick of dealing with this, so i will keep powering through every day even if i gotta kick and scream the entire time.

ok anyway! im gonna stay offline for a little while longer (this is queued, if anyone is kind enough to reply/send an ask, i will try to respond when i return) but i will come back slowly but surely sometime maybe this week, next week at the latest. i at least want to celebrate my July 21st anniversary :( thats my most important one this year. i really really really need to get back into the habit of self shipping even if i dont feel much for my F/Os atm. i refuse to just lay down and take this, i want to at least try to feel something again even if it hurts.

thank you to those who have been patient with me with replies; tumblr says i have over 200 inbox messages and 99+ dms since ive been gone. i will try to get back to people slowly but surely, its just probably gonna take me a hot minute. if anyone has the free minute, if you can just send me something like "everything will be okay" in my inbox, i would super appreciate it 😭🙏 and thank you to anyone who took the time to read my ramblings.

[kitty-thinks-stuff]

uhh little vent ig bc i feel like crap :P ‼️tw-emetophobia, mental health talk, homophobia, hatecrimes‼️

im going through a bad mental health low right now and it fucking suckkks. sometimes i forget that i have kinda shitty mental health until i go through a bad episode and this rn is a bad episode

im tired *all* the time, mentally and physically. i cant find joy in my usual interests, like genshin and hsr, which sucks bc i usually go to them for comfort?

when i play them i feel bored, or almost annoyed? like its just extra work. its fucking awful tbh, going to something you're usually excited for and just feeling. terrible

i also feel nauseous whenever im anxious, and usually im pretty used to it but its happened a lot today and i fucking hate it. and i feel anxious about EVERYTHING, bc im not. normal dude. being neurodivergent in the real world is fucking hard.

i have to mask all the time, i can only act the way that i do on the internet, or with my closeclose friends. basically all the people at my work are straight cis neurotypical people and its worse than i thought it would be. dont get me wrong, theyre great! but its so hard having to be a completely different person.

this guy asked me for my number today, this very cute, very funny guy. and i gave it to him! it was nice, i was flattered. but i know its never gonna go anywhere. im never gonna have this relationship, bc i dont feel love and attraction like a normal fucking person, and i dont feel comfortable around straight cis neurotypical people.

he didnt do anything wrong. none of them did. but i cant be myself around them, any of them, and its just exhausting.

i want to have relationships, i want to have a partner, i want to have friends. but its hard to make friends when you're constantly worried about getting fucking hatecrimed.

im always worried about getting called weird. i only feel safe on the internet, on my tumblr, where i can be myself and not feel like im gonna fucking vomit everytime i talk to someone.

i get so anxious talking to new people. and i hate it. i cant just. be like everyone else. i see all these nt people making tons of friends, and i just cant

ever since i started my job its been slammed into my face that im weird. ive been inside for so long (homeschool since about a year ago) that i forgot that not everyone is like my circle on the internet.

im not just "funny and silly" outside. im just weird. and its such a scary wake up call that i actually do have to be worried about who i talk to. what i do. what i say.

because what will happen if i slip up and mention being neurodivergent? being queer? not being cis?

im sure ill get used to it someday. i know it wont be bad forever. but fucking hell dude. im glad to get out of the house and to be making money but shit. its so hard being the weird kid again. its so much like highschool its awful.

anyways. im sure ill be fine. its been kinda icky for a while but today it really hit.

i love u guys :) ur really super fucking awesome, thank you for letting me be myself.

[unnervinglyferal]

Benzo anon here again; back on tumblr for a bit since I’ve fuck all else to do rn.

I look like my dad too, moreso than I used to now I’m older and my health is wearing out on me, and I definitely get how much it sucks. Whenever I see him in me, I try and remind myself I’m the Good One. He was the Evil version of this face in this world, and I’m the Good one. I’m doing everything he didn’t do, and doing as little as possible of what he did do. None of the really bad stuff, since I’m not hurting anyone apart from myself. I’m ten times the man he ever was just by deciding to be better than him. It’s not much, and it’s not like I can just go and get a new face, but it helps. My sister told me one time I have his eyes but it’s not him behind them, and she’s not scared of the person she sees when she looks at me. Helps to be reminded of that.

I'm trying, but I hate that face so fucking much and I've hated it all my life. I know I'll never be able to afford that, but I've thought of having plastic surgery just to get rid of it, at least some of the features that look the most like him.

Glad to hear of you, hope you're still sober.

[usertiff]

TLDR: no rent money, last time i was late w rent by 2 days i got an eviction notice, my cat needs urgent medical help, i’m out of work due to severely debilitating pain. extremely disabled, indigenous lesbian desperately in need of help. also a paragraph about how much i am sorry

my friend said, “nah bestie asking for help isn't shameful in any way. there's strength in knowing what you need,” but i still feel like crud

i am literally sobbing as i post this because i just feel... i feel like a loser, i feel worthless, i feel so many emotions right now because i’m so terrified and tired of asking for help. i’m terrified of people just being sick of me because i’ve needed help before, and i don’t know. i would never shame anyone else for needing help, and i know realistically it shouldn’t be shameful, but i personally feel shame because i feel like a failure. i feel like a loser/worthless/failure because of something that’s completely out of my control, and yet, the feeling is still there. i’m exhausted. i’m exhausted from being in this stressful, urgent situation. so i’m sorry. i’m so sorry i’m asking for help again, i’m so sorry. i feel horrible, i really do. i feel guilty for needing help. i feel sick. i’m trying not to, and i’m trying not to cry, but i’m typing this through very blurry vision rn.

as i’ve mentioned on my blog, i’ve been out of work due to severe chronic pain. i was able to work through my other disabilities. narcolepsy, my shitty mental health auDHD/bipolar, etc. but this chronic pain has been completely fucking debilitating. medical fatphobia tw incoming: i saw a neurosurgeon today and they won’t give me surgery because of “my weight being a risk for post-op complications, such as stitch rips”, so i just have to deal with the pain until i can lose enough they’ll operate on me ????????? i dont know what the hell i’m going to do........... this sucks so fucking bad i just wanna go back to work i hate living like this

my fiance needs her wisdom teeth removed really badly, but we had to cancel her appointment because the money we saved for it had to go to our cat.

possible animal death tw: my cat has bladder stones now................................. last time he had stones it costed almost $1k in surgery. the bladder stones will kill him if not treated, because toxins build up in the body and if he cannot pee... just sldfksldfkj i don’t wanna talk about it. he’s miserable. 

i’m going to have to dip in to our rent money, which was actually our tax money because i’ve not been working so tax money was our saving grace this past month, to keep taking him to the vet. however, last time i was late on rent just 2 days, they gave us an eviction notice and only 7 days to come up with rent. that was a fucking disaster. so i’m TERRIFIED!!!!!!!

i need help so bad. with just surviving being out of work, and now my cat... i’m super annoyed because i was desperate to get my baby sister a doll for her birthday but there’s no way that’s happening now. 

anyway, i’m sorry. i’m sorry for everything. i’m sorry i need help. i’m sorry if you’re sick of seeing me on your dash for like the 3rd time needing major help.

i have set up a gofundme here https://www.gofundme.com/f/uwkhj-help-my-family-survive?utm_source=customer&utm_medium=copy_link&utm_campaign=p_cf+share-flow-1

however, if you’d prefer to donate directly, due to the fact that gofundme takes a big portion of funds, here are my accts:

pypl: selinaaakyle@gmail.com, v: @oraclelauren (3177), ca: $selinaaakyle

every donation is going to be greatly appreciated, and i promise to pay the kindness forward in every little way that i can

please don’t put yourself out to help, but if you can help, my heart goes out to you with forever gratefulness 

[officialgleamstar]

oughh peoples weird takes have shifted from my girl to ur guy i see 😭😭 i am so normal about bad takes i promise

in the masses' defense!! i understand where a lot of grant takes come from. hes been a bad father, he has a lot of improvements he has to make, and i think its really cool that matt is doing a plot line rn where linc is cutting his dad off. thats awesome! like, genuinely, i love it. it hurts my feelings a lot as a Wilson Enjoyer(tm) but i think it makes so much sense story-wise and im really enjoying seeing where the plot is going with it!

however i just think its really fucking weird of some fans to imply that mentally ill people arent allowed to have kids or try to love other people when they dont love themselves! maybe im just projecting though </3 i like to think that most people are just wording their takes poorly, or that theyre being dramatic, and i can recognize that i can be really overly sensitive about characters with intrusive thoughts/low emotions. i project onto them too much! i get it! but like, i dunno

i relate a lot to grant and while i dont want kids, i do crave connection with people despite my more... asocial aspects lol. i only recently have gotten to a point where i let myself have community instead of isolating myself for my constant intrusive thoughts, low emotions, lack of empathy, etc. so it just kind of sucks to have this turn in the story that have people acting as if grant is the worst for thinking that maybe he could love a son and have a family. definitely similar vibes to sparrow where people are like "he only had a kid for daddy magic!", which is a take i dislike for ALL of the kiddads but that i can start to understand-- but then also just genuinely, there are people seeming to say "you shouldnt have kids if youre mentally ill" which... no? no. like. i recognize the idea that you shouldnt have kids if you cant even take care of youself, but all evidence points to that grant was capable of having a kid when linc was adopted. linc was socialized well as a young kid, he had friends his age, he visited his grandparents, etc. it was only later that grant's mental health took a downturn again and i think thats fair when everything going on with the doodler/code purple was going on. by no means is grant a good dad. but i think its really harsh and verging on ableism to imply that his mental health makes him incapable of being a dad at any point in his life.

but i dunno!! thats just my thoughts!! lol <3

sparrow is always going to be taking the brunt of weird takes though, i think o7 she truly is taking on the worst of the worst. godspeed to my beautiful weirdgirl

[matchalattegreen]

Bunch of tw's/cw's

I wanna fucking die so bad I feel like everything has been going the exact opposite of how I want it to and my mental health is literally crumbling on top of that I cannot take it anymore and idk what else to do. Also I don't talk abt this much bc I find it embarrassing but body dysmorphia has been through the roof for me lately and I literally wanna starve until there's nothing left. Ik I do it a lot but I genuinely hate posting vents or really anything personal on here bc I find my personal life embarassing but sometimes I feel like venting is the only way to keep myself from doing something stupid, but honestly idk if it will even help rn. I just want to die, that's all I want, everything sucks rn 😭😭

[bixbythemartian]

Hey! I hope it’s okay to ask you some questions about dentures? If not, feel free to ignore this

So, I have EDS, and my teeth are kinda shit. I brush regularly and all that but I still get new cavities all the time, and it’s expensive paying for them to be fixed. How did you decide that it was the right time for you to get dentures? I’m pretty sure I’m going to need them eventually, and I’m not sure if it’s the kind of thing I should put off as long as I can, or if I can go ahead and do it at a young age (23 rn) and get it over with.

What was the cost like for you?

You mentioned recovery being difficult—how long did it take?

Do you still have to worry about any dental health issues or is it pretty much fine to eat sugary foods and such now?

Unfortunately, my current dentist is committed to “saving” as many of my teeth as possible, so I haven’t been able to discuss this with her.

Thanks much <3

Hey this answer is long af. (Sorry it took me a few days it's been a very full week.)

The decision to get dentures, for me, was a matter of my ability to consume food. I had some medical neglect as a kid and a genetic predisposition towards bad teeth, and it fucking accordioned into a nightmare mouth situation. I spent years in pain from eating most things. Many of the roots in my mouth were exposed, I had constant infections and was sick all the time. I'm incredibly lucky that I didn't die, so many people die from untreated dental infections.

Ideally, it's better to wait as long as you can to get them, because pulling that many teeth does fuck up all the bone around it, and the jaw bone will compact down over time, impacting your mouth shape and bite strength, or something like that? It's better to wait, if possible. I was just about to turn 29, I think, when I got mine? I'm not sure- and that's young for full dentures, but it was (at that point) extremely necessary. If you can stay on top of filling cavities and such, it's really a lot better to hold onto your own teeth for as long as possible.

I'm really sorry, but I don't remember the cost- I know we had to get care credit and a loan from my (now former) in-laws, and I went to a dentist who specialized in low-income no-insurance situations and basically did the operation for me at cost, because they were worried if they didn't do it I was going to die, and I only went under local anesthetic instead of being knocked out. So it was relatively cheap? But this was around ten years ago and I honestly don't remember the numbers.

Full recovery took about six months, that's how long it takes your jaw to heal from being brutalized. I would say I could eat most things okay about 6 weeks in- you have to be careful and cut everything into little bites when your mouth is healing at first. And that means everything. Sandwiches, whatever. You're not supposed to bite into things until the incisions in your mouth heal. Stick to his as rigorously as you can. You also have to relearn how to bite into things. Also, you're going to bite your tongue a lot- your teeth have changed position and shape. It's kind of a lot, but in comparison to 'I can eat three soft things and my mouth hurts all the time forever', t'was a vast improvement.

I don't worry about my dental health issues, if any, because I don't have dental health insurance or teeth- I don't know if I need any per se, I just don't do it. The only stuff I can't eat because of my dentures is stuff that's real tacky- taffy, gum, chewy caramels. (I actually tend to suck on taffy or caramels rather than try to chew them.) I have not found a gum that works with dentures yet, even the ones that claim they will work. But they don't pull the dentures apart or anything, they're just a pain in the ass to chew and stick to the denture in difficult and awkward ways. (Also, I find puffy cheetohs obnoxious to eat with my dentures- they adhere in awkward ways.)

Hope these answers were helpful! Thank you for your patience in me getting back to you.

[samwiselastname]

Samwise Lastname Life Update (Negative)

I moaned and groaned in that selfie a bit already but like. I have many people who have offered to help me with many things. Truly thankful.

At the same time I've always been The Person with the stable job and full time wage, like, pretty much since I finished DBT halfway through college that's been my defining character trait. Even before then, it was "person who is a prime target for financial exploitation."

My current situation is a shared living space where I am covering about 4/5s of our expenses, by virtue of being able to mask my disability well enough to work full time. We are still coming up $400 short a month. I've just gotten assurance that should change, a housemate is seeking work, but. It hasn't changed yet, and even once it does, I will not feel secure until we have an emergency fund for housing, and I won't feel safe keeping any personal savings until that's settled. Which is a couple years out at this rate - even farther with some necessary home repairs, which will push our deficit even higher.

We only get takeout once a month at most, our expenses have been essential housewares and home improvement items - pest control, plumbing maintenance tools, repair supplies. A few hundred of that deficit is just repeat homeowner shit. We planted a garden this year which was an expense but, not exorbitant. I don't know how to cut down more without like. Eating less? Historically that approach has turned into dangerous weight loss & migraines pretty quick. As it is we're only spending about $100 more a month than the FDA's recommended frugal grocery plan.

I can stop buying alcohol & weed and save... about $10 a month. I could cancel some of my subscriptions and save $20-50. Anything I can cut back on at this point is not financially worth the detriment to my well-being, especially when things like "watching youtube on the TV" and "playing FFXIV" are like. Some of my only safe and passive low-pressure recreational activities.

Don't really know what to do about this other than keep grinding. I'm making myself sick. Tacking on any extra work - hobby creative pursuits that might one day turn into commercial creative pursuits, any amount of job hunting, even a shot at adult content creation - feels unbearable.

I am trying to stop "working overtime" because even the 40 hours fucks with my ability to do anything else. I tried to work around this by job searching and side hustling. Now all my hobbies feel like jobs and every day I'm not working on income feels like self-sabotage. It's stupid - I can get better compensation at my current job picking extra hours. At least when I do that I don't go into a neurotic spiral and stop sleeping. As much. It's at least effective.

So I have this limbo - working over 40 hours physically destroys me, and it's the only way to tip the scales at all right now. I know one can often get a pay raise by finding a new job but - yall the market sucks. I'm trying. I need full time remote WFH and good god is it bad out there. Plus my current insurance rn is killer - I have a 3k out of pocket max. My medical costs would outweigh the raise at any job I've successfully applied for thus far, because my current employer affords me this bizarrely fantastic health insurance with HSA deposits.

Just feel hopeless. If I've gone dark on you that's why. We have four months to get this shit fixed before we're totally fucked and I'm doing everything I can to buy us time.

[disruptxrr]

i cant tell when your blog is running on a queue so when you reblog something from me at 11 pm i get so scared… like its tuesday u have school what are you doing up late

i fucking love you so much ohmygod. i cant believe you actually notice that shit AND CARE??? you are my everything i swear and… answering your question… i fucking hate queue, i think that shit’s stupid so if i reblog something it’s because i’m behind a screen slowly losing my sanity & yeah i don’t sleep at all. sleep is for losers. (i deadass go to school on four hours of sleep and manage to don’t fall asleep in class) i’m on holiday vacation rn though (sucks). i usually go to sleep at around 3:30am (i’m trying to change that… i know it’s bad for my health)

[beeindaclouds]

!TW VENT!

I need some comfort rn mama cause I feel like just giving up. Not like self unaliveing, I mean just not doing anything anymore.

Why? Well recently my mother (+ her boyfriend) said their getting me a new phone, but the thing is, it's a phone where I can't text anyone, I can't have discord, I can't have WhatsApp or anything like that. And it fucking sucks. Discord + WhatsApp is how I contact my best friend, mama their the person I rely on, they helped me get my mental health back up, but mama I need them. Like, I don't know anyone else, I don't want to have to say goodbye to them. I've tried reasoning, I've tried asking her if i can just keep my current phone or if I could just get discord or WhatsApp. She said no and to stop asking. Mama :( I've tried everything but nothing I say will change her mind.

And why is she saying I've got to get this new phone? Cause she heard something on the news about social media. I DON'T EVEN GO ON SOCIAL MEDIA MUCH :(

Unfortunately parents are scared of things they don't understand. Like anybody really. So whenever the news spread one bad thing about social media, most parents go in a frenzy

Not that social media shouldn't be feared, it's good to be careful, but there are so many benefits to it that cancel out the bads

The only advice I can give you is to keep on trying. Try to make her understand that the stuff you use is absolutely safe and not be feared off. Also, idk how old you are and it doesn't matter really, but she should trust you while you're online. You have the capacity to understand right from wrong, and if your mom just blocks out all the wrong for you, then when will you grow up and make your own choices?

So again, keep on trying, maybe get another adult to talk to her and I wish you all the luck <3

And if that plan fails, try to find another way to still stay online. Like using school computers or, if you can manage, keep your current phone by your side

[troglobite]

i’m not in that bad of a mood but a bunch of body/health complaints below the cut bc i wanna bitch abt em

my life is basically a series of: i need to do x to help y, but that causes z, and i need to do b to help z, but then that causes or worsens c

like i’m not unique, it’s just sort of stupid and i’m Tired. lol

it’s gotten v bad thanks to the pandemic and also this house/town i think? long story

anyway

rn i’m dealing with:

my mental health sucks, i need to get out more

well i can’t get out bc of covid so : /

then i could at least exercise more, bc exercising also will help my cholesterol which isn’t great (but is stable and not getting worse, at least)

okay great except that my MCAS means my sweat is out of fucking control so exercising is miserable

well i could just take it easy then, right?

well no bc going for a walk makes me the sweatiest person in the world

well i mean that’s just an inconvenience, right?

nope, bc i have an issue that is exacerbated by excessive sweating, so i can’t sweat too much, either.

(i also have ANOTHER issue in the same area as the previous issue that is only solved by direct contact with a heating pad, which as you might imagine, CAUSES HEAT AND SWEATING which EXACERBATES THE OTHER PROBLEM so that one in particular has been super fucking fun to navigate)

okay then i exercise inside

well there’s not really anywhere to do that, everywhere is too small, and i ALSO sweat INSIDE a lot so it doesn’t matter

okay well then--aha! i’ll just exercise in the shower! 

okay great!

it’s working!

wait why are my feet randomly seizing and in terrible pain while i’m walking arou--oh right. EDS. and exercising without shoes is. bad. 

okay well i just need to start working on my EDS and take it easy right?

okay except i can’t do the physical therapy/muldowney method bc when i started, it caused a lot of bladder and pelvic pain that got worse w stress.

and i’m trying stress management but everything is a fucking nightmare.

i had to stop PT so that i’d stop feeling like i had the world’s worst UTI whenever i got remotely irritated. 

and turns out that’s bc i have an undiagnosed autoimmune disorder

so until i figure out what that is...i can’t do anything for my EDS...or my MCAS...so i’m just stuck taking 2 zyrtec every day and topping up with benadryl hoping that i can breathe and stop getting hives

and that i can exercise and feel good and be happy, but also still manage to walk around without extreme pain

hahaha. ha. 

i hate everything. 

i’m literally covered in hives. all over my face neck ears and scalp. everywhere. they’re unstoppable. fucking. fuck.

oh wait one more

so i have steroid cream that works to get rid of my hives for the most part

but it’s like playing whack-a-mole bc more just pop up in place of the ones i got rid of 

and then what’s more

i can’t really put them on my scalp

bc my scalp sweats so much (bc lol i also have to use dandruff shampoo) so it runs the risk of hurting me

bc i had to put some on some hives that were vaguely near but not on my eyes, and bc they were hot and/or sweaty recently before i put the cream on, my skin burned for two days straight

no relief to be had

so now i have to be careful abt what i put the steroid cream on to get rid of my hives

bc there are no antihistamines that’ll get the job done

ALSO my right wrist has recently decided to be fucked up so i keep losing circulation in my hand and fingers while i sleep, which seems to be getting slightly better, but i can no longer do one of my EDS tricks bc it seems to be pinching nerves when i do it? i’ve only tested twice to see if there had been any change. 

so it’s just like

okay

i have no idea how the fuck that happened or when or why and i can’t seem to fix it by using braces, or stretching, or ANYTHING.

incredible.

[reversewerewolf]

it's been a really long time since i've made one of these posts but i need to scream into the void because i am completely beyond my limit to deal rn and it needs out. cw for general negativity, hopelessness, brief mention of parent suicide (long time ago, i'm fine)

i seriously do not know what to do anymore. six months later i am STILL in the process of moving into my mother's house (it's slow going because we are both multiply disabled). we're both living well below the poverty line already, but apparently her credit is so bad and she's so in debt that she's also in danger of losing the home that i am ACTIVELY moving in to.

neither of us can afford to pay our bills already, and she's somehow convinced that everything is going to be ok and it will be easier when we're living together, even though i've been living off the very generous donations of friends and strangers for... close to a year at this point? probably more? and all of this is already after she used the entirety of my savings (tens of thousands of dollars, without my knowledge or permission, but i don't have the energy to be mad about it) to pay back taxes so neither of us ended up homeless. it's not even fully her fault, like, she doesn't have a retirement fund because my dad cashed it out and spent it all on teenage sex workers before he killed himself some years ago and then she spent three months in the hospital last year due to medical negligence and she was basically in an induced coma for a month of that, and it took months more to recover, and she STILL needs surgeries to fix what they fucked up, but like... it's kinda frustrating! lmao!

my brother is selling his house and lending her what she needs to get back to zero while i struggle to get my (and many of her) belongings out of here and into her house, but my god, i don't know how much longer i can live like this. i can't get a job, i'm too disabled to even START a disability application, my temp jobs suck the life out of me when they bother to actually set me up with the work they supposedly want to do, nearly every fucking day i have to decide between groceries or medication for me, or taking care of my pets, or trying to keep the electricity on so puppy and i don't get heatstroke.

like i straight up can't do this for god knows how many more years. i have never made enough money to live off, and i'm never going to, because i don't have a degree, i don't have any marketable skills, i don't have the ability to act "normal" enough to get a steady job, i don't have the ability to regulate my mental health and emotions enough to function in a society that already wants me dead. i can't live off of the generosity of other people for the rest of my life and i don't want to, it fucking sucks, it makes me feel guilty and nasty, but i just NEVER see this getting better. i'm so stressed out that i can't even just ENJOY things to distract myself from how fucked everything is anymore. therapy isn't helping. medication isn't helping. it's affecting me physically at this point, not just from the stress, but because i can't afford healthy food to manage my diabetes, and it's affecting my organs lmao. i just don't fucking know what to do anymore. i really don't. i can't imagine it ever getting better, only worse, and i'm so fucking tired.

[izel-01]

Still haven’t been able to find a job, been applying and even reapplying hoping someone would contact me but nothing and I cant stand the idea of calling and getting rejected

So obviously I had to cancel some luxuries that I’ve once had and one of those being Spotify premium, I had the family plan, but with the price change and having no income I can’t have that luxury rn

So I canceled and my younger sister is acting like it’s the end of the world like? I already explained to her that it’s not a necessity sure it’s really nice to have it but if I can’t afford it I have to cancel it and when she woke up to the subscription being canceled she was not happy

She offered to pay, I kept declining bc I don’t think it’s fair that she would pay for something that I originally was paying for and last payment I asked our “ mother “ for to lend me some money ( I’m keeping track how much I owe her it’s not much but still I hate feeling like I owe people money )

Anyways our mother said we’ll talk later about it, my sister and her did talk about it without me ( which idc ) but they kept making “jokes” saying shit like “too bad for those without Spotify premium having to listen to ads” and honestly it was annoying but I ignored them not giving them the time of day

But it hurts cause like I know I can’t afford these luxuries but at least I have a roof over my head and a comfy bed to sleep but it was nice and I miss it but it’s not a necessity and I have having to depend on her for money even though I try not to ask for anything especially since she has to save money for that stupid parasite she’s gonna have but that’s for another day

It just sucks bc I’m the eldest I’m supposed to be the example but I can’t even get a fucking job - I refuse to go back to food service it is not worth my mental health and the pay was not enough - the second oldest doesn’t want a job which imo is fine bc she literally raised the youngest 3 but she doesn’t want to cook, do chores, or learn to drive. And it fucking pisses me off sometimes bc at least she has a purpose living here unlike me

I’m in the way and I know it even if this stupid bitches say I’m not I know I am bc my sister, my best friend, says to “just move out already” , “it’s not that hard”, “nobody wants you here”, etc and ofc it hurts cause the one person who has been through everything with me, who made me suffer (not her fault when we were little but now she should know better), the one who I consider my best friend/my other half is saying this stuff to me in my face

It usually happens when she gets really irritated or when she just snaps at me for any reason which happens almost everyday and I know I may be a bit too much (tough playing with the little ones or “butting” in stuff) but it’s how I show my appreciation and love and concern but she says it’s not my “business” or sum other shit calling me names

One time a while ago around Dec 2021 I’m pretty sure after we had another argument she said something along the lines of “if I was tired then I would not get up cause nobody expects anything from you” and that really hurt I don’t remember the context of what was said I just wrote it down in my notes just her saying that

What do I say to that? How do I move on from that? I obviously didn’t forget but I’ve not forgiven her either. I cook for her I clean after her I try to help her in any way I can I defended and still do to this day from our “mother”- I remember once around middle/high school when our mother was yelling and was about to hit her and I stood out in between them saying she’ll never hit her again and this bitch (the mother) laughed and called me a hypocrite I’ll never forget that and to this day she says she doesn’t remember funny how the most terrible moments of my life she claims of having no memory of and ok my brain is shit cause I physically can’t remember shit at all but I remember that clearly tears in my eyes, scared to death of standing up to her, scared of her but I knew I had to protect my little sister

Anyways it just sucks that I already know I’m a miserable example of the eldest child, but for them to keep reminding me like i don’t know already doesn’t make it better and I can’t tell my supposed best friend bc she is part of the reason why I’m slowly losing my will to do anything and I’m pushing myself everyday trying to cook more help with chores even more to show that I do appreciate them letting me stay here bc according to my mum I’m “ no longer her obligation”

Like I stopped being her child once I turned 15… but she would never dream of doing this to the younger 4 but it’s fine bc at least they have a fighting chance in this cruel world I really want the best for them bc they didn’t asked to be here but it must be nice to not have to suffer what I did

Me and the second oldest like to joke saying we were the free trial and the youngest three have it easy, and jokes aside they do. Like in that show “Good Place” when the main character said sum about her mum sum along the lines of “ if she could’ve been a better mum for ____ then that means she could always change but I wasn’t enough for her to change” and that fucking hit me like a train… cause she did change not for her, not for us, but for them her 3 precious angels (about to be 4) and that “loving husband” of hers, don’t get me wrong that’s a good thing but it hurts seeing them be treated how I deserved to be treated to get that “family” I will always yearn for, it’s still not good tho but hey it’s wayyyy better than my childhood at least I hope it is bc then it would all have been for nothing