#My week has been rough af and this is motivating me so hard

[nau-the-duke]

I WASN'T EXPECTING SO MUCH SUPPORT TO MY EDEN CROWLEY DRAWING ;;;;; Thank you all so much aaaaa. The tags really warm my heart and make my day

I'm gonna start the next one asap, I'm unfortunately busy lately as my cat got recently spayed, so I've been taking care of her and I'm not able to do much else. I'll try my hardest!!

[dwailol]

My Favorite Pose

ComPOUND Round 3 [Bucky x Fem Reader]

Minors DNI 🔞

Summary: First morning of your week alone in the compound with Bucky. He adds himself to your morning routine. ;) Established relationship. If you’ve been following the plot PLEASE STOP but your powers and vaguely why you stayed behind are revealed.

Warnings ⚠️: smut af, bondage, a lil rough but not too much, oral (m and f), praise kink, p in v, unprotected

WC: 1.7k??

It’s 5:30 AM and there are little to no off days even for low key weeks like this. I get up and walk to get the specially designed breakfast that F.R.I.D.A.Y. planned for me. If there is one thing I miss about my past life it was a big flavorful breakfast… well and my family not being the reason the rest of the Avengers are trying to save a population of innocent people.

Surprise! I’ve got daddy issues. That’s my whole conflict of interest that kept me from the mission. I can’t do it. I told them not to tell me who did it if they are gone by the end of it. No matter how much I’ve been burned by them I’ll still hesitate.

I take my last bite and walk to the training center. I try to quiet my mind with some yoga before I get into the intense workouts. As I move into downward dog, I feel Bucky’s two hands pull my ass to his crotch. He gives it a light squeeze that still hurts because of the marks he left on it last night.

“Downward Dog - my favorite pose. What are you doing up so early Angel?”

“You know that pet name can only stretch so far,” I stand up. He throws his hands up with a cocky grin.

“Sorry, it’s just so fitting. I haven’t seen them in a while. It’s kind of hot when you pop them out. You should give me a quick show,” he says with that grin somehow getting smugger. The lack of sleep I got last night really motivated me to remind him what got me here in the first place.

“Careful what you wish for.”

In less than a second I sprout my wings then clap them hard in front of me which sends him flying across the room. I retract them back in an instant. He gets up laughing and clapping.

“Woo! That is what I’m talking about angel! I would ask to see the other stuff but we don’t want to set the building on fire do we?”

I can’t control myself when my other powers ignite - literally ignite. While he playfully annoys me, I don’t think I could ever release that hell fire. My powers are not “biblical” but they sure are other worldly.

“I need to get back to it. There’s food in the fridge. Just don’t touch my meal prep,” I hate that sentence just left my mouth.

“I don’t want your meal prep,” he walks behind me with our bodies facing the mirrors and his hands snaking up and down my body. “I want you. If you wanna get some training in I can show you somethings,” he says into my ear while tucking my hair back. So unfair.

“I don’t have-“

“You see this?”, he picks up my yoga strap. Out of nowhere he runs in front of me to kick the back of my legs. We both fall to the floor. He has me pinned down and starts tying the strap around my wrists.

“This is called a constrictor knot. In the event you have a disobedient girl giving you attitude, this knot comes in real handy,” he pushes his hand up my shirt to grab my breast. He moves it back down into my leggings and starts rubbing.

“Fuck. I could do whatever I want to do to you right now. You’re so wet. I cannot wait to get my cock inside you.”

I feel his fingers slip in and out. I let out a whimper. The sounds of my wet cunt make him growl. With a loud grunt he rips my leggings off. His fingers are back inside me and moving with fury. His eyes are hungry and he plants his head between my thighs with force.

As his tongue moves around my clit, I let out some “Ah! Ah! AH!”s. I start thrashing my body from the pleasure. He takes his vibranium arm to hold my hips down making me immobile.

“Whatever I want to do to you. Don’t make me repeat myself again. Now what do we say?”

“Yes sir.”

“Good girl.”

He sits up to free himself from his shorts. I am towered over with his cock in my face.

“Get to work doll. Let’s practice some breathing exercises for your training today.”

He puts his cock in my mouth and I start to move my head up and down. His length hits the back of my throat and I cough choking on it.

“Such a good girl for me trying so hard. Now you’re getting that pussy filled.”

He pulls on the strap to lift me up for a sloppy kiss with my taste still on his tongue. He drops me to the floor again to pin me under him. In no time his cock is thrusting into me with a speed so fast it shakes my body back and forth.

“I’m really making you mine this week. I’m gonna fuck you in every room I can. Get ready to drop whatever you’re doing for me whenever I want.”

I need this honestly. Losing my body to him feels more comfortable than I ever thought it would. My helplessness to his pounding excites me with both safety knowing he’s the one doing it and anticipation for what he might pull next.

He pulls the strap up so that I mesh into a seated position with him. He pumps into me with an unmatched passionate kiss. His free hand runs through my hair and gives it a pull in the back. He releases a heavy breath and moan. I’m squealing as he hits my g spot and my clit rubs against his body.

“Fuck Bucky! You’re killing me!”

“Good thing we know you’ll go to heaven then.”

He turns me onto my stomach so that I’m facing the mirrors. I arch up my ass anticipating his next move. I grip onto the strap preparing to take him. He kneels behind me and picks my head up.

“Look at you catching on. Now watch yourself get fucked.”

He slams his cock back inside me and thrusts with power. My high pitched screams are music to his ears. He grabs my ass and slaps it back and forth a few times.

“I thought I was being your good girl?”, I tease.

“Don’t act like you don’t get pleasure from my punishments. You might be my good girl right now but doesn’t mean I won’t give you a reminder of what’s in store for bad girls.”

“Not fair,” I laugh. Wrong choice.

He flips me over swiftly. He pulls tight on the strap to put the end in front of my face. His grip tenses around it.

“You remember this? I decide what’s fair and what’s not. You’re all tied up Angel. You take what you get and believe me you’re gonna get it.”

He throws my arms down then smacks the side of my ass with his vibranium hand. There is pleasure in his punishments. His movements are the hardest and fastest I’ve felt from him since our first time.

“I’m getting close to giving you my next load. I’ve loved filling you up with all my cum and watching it drip out you. Shows you’re all mine. No one else gets this pussy but me.”

My body tingles at his words. I give him an affirming mhm. He grabs my face.

“I wanna hear you say it ‘Bucky this pussy is yours’ if you want this load. Sing me that beautiful song Angel and it’s all yours.”

“Bucky…,” he hits the spot again which throws me off track.

“Bucky this…,” he cues for the rest of what he wants to hear. He lifts my hips up and my eyes roll to the back of my head. I scrunch my face then open my eyes wide as I feel my own cum.

“It’s yours! It’s yours! I promise it’s all yours!”

Mmmmh! I feel his huge burst of cum in me. He pulls out and it was definitely the biggest load of all the rounds so far. My hands are set free with some mild brush burns. He grabs my hands and gives them each light kisses.

“I’ll be more careful next time bunny. You just get me too hot,” he groans. I get a kiss loaded with tongue.

What a wonderful first morning with him back!

[absolutebl]

This Week in BL

May 2021 Wk 3

Being a highly subjective assessment of one tiny corner of the interwebs.

It’s a cray cray Friday when Vietnam gets its eng subs up before GMMTV Thailand. What alter-reality are we in? Well, the Vietnamese offerings are better right now anyway. (Oooo, feel that burn.) 

Ongoing Series - Thai

Top Secret Together Ep 2 - pulping it up in the best possible way. Sure sound and production values are pants, and in classic Thai fashion the editing in post is exacerbating (rather than fixing) pacing issues, but it’s still CUTE AF. I don’t even mind the added university storyline, because they’ve got good chemistry (and a confident gay fresher after a panicked gay hazer is an old favorite... what can I say, SOTUS was my first love). We aren’t spending too much time with any one couple, so it’s weighted a lot better than Brothers was, but also character development is slow. 

Siew Sum Noi Ep 2 - Unfortunately, it’s just too hard to find, plus no subs. I’m dropping it in the hopes it comes back on my radar some day. 

Y-Destiny Ep 8 - (Thurs) It’s rough having a ghost boyfriend, half your friends are scared, the other half think you’re crazy, and kissing shortens your lifespan. This was a cute couple even if I wasn’t wild about the surrounding story. 

Close Friend Ep 5: (Dear My Star/JimmyTommy) - about high school penpals. It had to rely entirely on voice over work as the actors only meet face to face at the end. It’s a good thing they are appealing screen presences on their own, with good vocal control. It’s hard to imagine any other BL pair carrying this kinda plot. It’s by far my favorite of the series so far, and I’m not even a big JimmyTommy fan. 

Fish Upon The Sky Ep 7 - no subs. Do we care? Not really. Because we have... 

Nitiman Ep 3 - currently my favorite out of Thailand. It’s the university Thai BL i’ve been waiting for since... when was the last good one? My Engineer? Yowza. Anyway we got: head on my shoulder, baby is a floppy drunk (but still wants to be in control), proximity alert, boyfriend’s closet, seme gets seriously jelly, and a cute twist on feeding him. There’s something fun and complex about Jin’s character. He’s not a panicked bi. He knows exactly what’s going on, he just hasn’t decided if he wants Bb or not. He clearly enjoys being looked after, the compliments, and the attention, but he’s not sure if he’s going to like what happens if he gives in. I like that twist on the usual tsundere uke archetype a lot, cautious rather than willfully obtuse or freaked out. We can see Jin realizing in stages: I like this person, I like that they like me, I like the romantic attentiveness. But in the background is... do I actually want to f*k him? It’s a dynamic we don’t often see on BL. 

Ongoing Series - Not Thai

HIStory 4: Close To You (Taiwan) Ep 10 fin - the most ridiculous show using BLs worst tropes in a sort of weird smoothie of bitter greens and too ripe banana. The ending was the sappiest cheesiest thing ever, like cheese syrup tapped from the cheese tree. So of course I loved it, but I’m pretty sure I giggled through all the bits meant to be profound. Because, in the end, to tolerate this show at all, you just can’t take ANY of it seriously. RECOMMENDED (with some SERIOUS reservations and trigger warnings.) Full review here. 

Be Loved in House: I Do (Taiwan) Ep 1-2 - I don’t mind a damaged seme character but this one is a bit weird for me. Like creepy Cheese in the Trap level weird. On the bright side, the story has given our tsundere uke good motivation for his angst and great existing friendships, loyalty, and likability. Plus I’m invested in the cafe owner/innocent puppy side dishes. So if it’s only the seme character I’m not jiving with, and he’s the most established actor, it should all turn out fine. I believe in you, Taiwanese BL. 

Papa & Daddy (Taiwan) Ep 6 fin - speaking of belief. This such a good show but they gave us a cliffhanger ending. Now we must hope against hope for season two. That’s never guaranteed with Taiwan tho. So, I’m docking a few points and saying, RECOMMENDED so long as you realize it’s a cliffhanger. 

Love is Science? (Taiwan) Ep 1-9 (BL subplot) - this is a good het romance, but the fact that the BL subplot is a beautifully acted disaster bi + confident gay means you’re hearing about it whether you want to or not. Plus they just added in some GL! Come on! I gotta support Taiwan normalizing queer to this extent. They are fighting the good fight and if I also have to watch a career lady and her much younger softest straight boi get it on, too? Twist my arm with that service sub subtext. Go on Taiwan, TWIST IT. It’s on Viki. Join the revolution.   * Incidentally if you actually like the D/s het dynamic of this show, I highly recommend Japanese Kimi wa Petto - career woman keeps a hot young dancer boy as a pet. Oh yes, an actual pet, that IS the pitch. Never doubt Japan when kink is on the line. It’s also on Viki. Go get your kink on, thank me later. (If it helps: That was not a request.)  

Most Peaceful Place 2 (Vietnam) Ep 2 (AKA 5) - love triangles aren’t my thing, but if you’re gonna do it short form, by all means bring in the lead’s other BL pairing so the chemistry is on point. Now I've no idea who I want him to end up with. Can’t they just be in a poly triad? 

My Lascivious Boss (Vietnam) Ep 7 - I’m still enjoying it a lot. It’s still unabashedly queer and the tension is ramping up. We now have secret identity, blackmail, femme fatale, faen fatale, and incoming seme confrontation. Best of all, the series is still airing, which makes it longer than any other Vietnamese BL I’ve seen (aside from Tein Bromance - which is just too weird to count). 

Gossip - Thai BL 

SEVEN PROJECT TEASERS

No one is entirely sure what Studio Wabi Sabi’s Seven Project/7Project will entail. 

It might be like Close Friend (1 episode per couple, no linking), 

or Y-Destiny (2 episodes per couple, loosely linked), 

or The En of Love (4 episodes per couple, linked but independent consecutive stories). 

They’re giving the couple’s arcs separate titles. So each one would be what? Seven Project: Once Upon a Time or the like? We’re in Taiwanese title territory people and NO ONE WANTS TO GO THERE. Anygay... 

Once Upon a Time is the BounPrem (og UWMA) anchor story, and seems to be the most dramatic and likely saddest. These two can handle most of what’s thrown at them at this juncture, so it should be good. 

Vs Love is a BoomPeak (og Make it Right) university vehicle. Since I thought Boom was done with our nonsense, I couldn’t be more thrilled and surprised this pair is doing another show together. I don’t think either of them are the greatest actors but I find Peak very endearing and Boom charismatic on screen, so I’ll watch. 

Would You be My Love is the hotly anticipated SantaEarth launch. They’re a (cultivated) IRL ship and Earth is an established BL actor. They have great chemistry and high energy so this could be lots of fun. 

We are also getting a GL from this series from established BL actresses Samantha and Pineare. Nothing teased yet on that, but I’m looking forward to this installment the most. Also curious to see how the ladies handle the branding and promo side, not to mention the culture. (Thailand variety shows gonna force *girls* to play the Pepero game?) 

Secret Crush on You upcoming Thai BL with no release date, co-produced by and featuring (but NOT staring) Saint and directed by Cheewin (sigh) with all fresh faces. (Previously known as Stalker the series.) It looks like pure pulp and I’m not wild about the plot but could be better than expected as it’s adapted from a novel. Cheewin is an okay director when he has an actual story to follow. 

Don’t Say No the series. Coming from the producers of TharnType this is the JaFirst vehicle many have been waiting for. Friends to lovers + a good boy/bad boy pairing on a sports romance foundation. It’s basketball so they tapped Meen as well (he’s semi-pro). The bad news? You get one guess as to who is writing the darn thing? Yep it’s MAME. So, ya know, expect some slam dunk kidnapping, a light dribbling of rape, and me turning into a basketcase. AKA... 

Will I have to live blog this series in order to survive it? That seems to be the only way I can. So probably. Which means the bad sports puns will continue. Look, if I’m suffering, SO ARE YOU! 

Rumors of a new YinWar vehicle The Best Story (mini series) coming in July. Also rumors that their previously announced Love Mechanics (full length series) has either been delayed, is facing money issues, or is moving studios, or all three. 

Breaking News 

DELAYED (I’m talking these three off the watch list until we get new airing dates) 

Love Area’s release was pushed out but it got a trailer. 

Golden Blood was supposed to drop Weds but comments in MDL report that it is delayed due to C19.  

Love’s Outlet (Taiwan) is supposed to have started a 50 episode run (only 3-5 min each, what utter nonsense). Sadly, this delay is due to a surge in cases in Taiwan which was doing so well, but also doesn’t have many inoculations. 

Bad Buddy has started workshopping at GMMTV actual. 

Kang Insoo’s BTS for Nobleman Ryu’s Wedding is SO FLIPPING CUTE. You have to watch it. Trust me, I don’t rec behind the scenes stuff often. 

Next Week Looks Like This: 

Some shows may be listed later than actual air date for International accessibility reasons.

Upcoming 2021 BL master post here.

Links to watch are provided when possible, ask in a comment if I missed something.

[ginmo]

I’ve been sure since I read AFFC/ADWD that Jaime’s getting one of the better endings because House Lannister isn’t gonna be wiped out and both Cersei and Tyrion are now Too Dark To Live. But I’ve seen a lot of people rewatching bring up that awful sept fuck up and consensus is that it renders him irredeemable. The show is gonna have to WORK to avoid a million thinkpieces when he gets both power and a family. I’m not convinced they’ll pull it off.

That scene was gross af, but we’ve since learned that the intent of the scene was not for it to be rape. We also know that canon Jaime is not a rapist. So if the narrative intent was for it to NOT be rape (and ended up being just a really bad fuck up from writers, director, post production) then we can’t blame the non-rapist character for the shitty product. What’s gross is they didn’t realize they filmed a rape scene, so people need to shift their blame from Jaime to the filmmakers. If people are really stuck on Jaime being a rapist even though in canon he isn’t and wasn’t even meant to be on the show, then they’re going to really hate the outcome of this story, because there won’t be anything to revisit Jaime being a rapist in the narrative (such as redemption for that) because he isn’t supposed to be. This is why most of fandom acknowledges that scene was an oops from the production and don’t use it to judge the character.

In other words, since the show was doing a direct adaptation of a consensual canon sex scene from the books, thinking their adaption was also a consensual sex scene, then the narrative itself doesn’t need to, and will not, do anything to have Jaime redeem himself for something he didn’t do, but that the filmmakers stupidly did.

My friend Koops went off on this topic a while back, so I’m going to add a read more where I quote her posts. It’s way more than you asked about, and I already answered the question, but I just really love her rant over the sex scene lol. So for those who want cast, crew, and GRRM quotes, discussion of that D&D video people love to refer to, and a total take down of basically why using that scene against Jaime is completely moronic then here it is: 

In response to this D&D video:

I don’t think this video disproves anything. The girl is calling it “rape” but they are not once owning up to it. They’re calling it “this” and insisting that’s something Jaime would do in that moment, but it feels to me like what they were trying to do is avoid getting into a debate about whether it’s rape or not, because they know that can get them into all kinds of trouble. ETA: Also, notice how David rolls his eyes towards the end and the person who captioned the video interpreted it as him rolling his eyes at the girl who asked the question. I don’t think he is at all, that was 5 minutes earlier, talk about a delayed reaction. I think he’s rolling his eyes at KIT stepping in just as David had finished answering with that stupid comment calling it rape and saying how great it is that the show has rape scenes, when David had been so careful in avoiding using that word all along in order not to get into an argument. And they’re emphasizing how hard this was for Lena and so on (despite, IIRC, her always saying it wasn’t intended as rape), just to earn feminist points of “we know how tough this is for women, look at how distraught we all were filming it”.If that had been their intention, they would have followed up on it in subsequent scenes/interactions, which is something the show does with rape scenes (see Sansa). Yet it was never mentioned again and it’s like it never happened. I think D&D sometimes have a bit of a rape-style fetish when it comes to sex scenes because it makes them come across as “edgy”. See the way they wrote the broken tower sex scene in the original pilot script or the way they changed Dany and Drogo’s wedding night. But they refuse to admit it and hide behind nonsense like “this is something the character would do”. They want to see how far they can push it, basically.Even if we want to say they’re admitting to have it intended as rape, saying this is something Jaime would do is absolutely ridiculous since not only he saved Brienne from rape but in the books he even has one of his men executed for TRYING to rape Pia. It’s nothing to do about having a linear redemption arc or not, it’s about WHAT kind of “bad things” the character does and whether it’s consistent with its characterization or not. Rape, for Jaime, is absolutely NOT. Equating that scene to Jaime pushing Bran out of a window is completely insane since the two things are dramatically different in motivation and intention and while Jaime is a complex guy that can do horrible things for his family and for Cersei, he doesn’t do them out of his own selfishness, especially when it comes to sex when he even refuses women throwing himself at him. Not to mention the entire point of Jaime’s “bad deed(s)” is that he has to own up to them and deal with them and their consequences. If you just ignore that sept scene ever happened and never deal with it again then you either think it isn’t a big deal, or it wasn’t a bad deed in the first place. Otherwise it adds absolutely nothing to the character’s arc. It’s like they think that a “complex/not good guy” engages into all sorts of “bad behaviour” just by virtue of being complex/not good, which actually does precisely what they’re claiming they don’t want to do; i.e. making a clear cut distinction between good and bad guys, since they’re equating all possible bad actions as being equal and the same and stemming from the same psychological motivations, which is ridiculous. The bottom line to me always comes to the fact that, unlike most stuff post S5, we have the scene in the books, in written format, and we KNOW it’s not meant to be rape. It’s meant to be the kind of gross, rough, angry sex those two have. To change the intention of the scene just because you feel “that’s something the character would do”, to me is not really caring about really understanding the character’s intentions in the first place, since you have source material and an author you can check with. They simply didn’t care in order to get HBO points.

And for some quotes 

I find the idea that we are meant to read into Cersei’s actions after the sept encounter in the books as indicative of a woman who experienced rape, or that George did not come out to straight up say the words “I did not write it as rape” (he would never throw D&D under the bus that way, come on) as evidence that it was indeed intended to be rape all along in the books, even more of twisting oneself into a pretzel than trying to explain away the scene in the show as not rape. Neither D&D nor George have ever shied away from calling rape out for what it is in the show or the books. Why would they suddenly tiptoe around this one particular scene? I think it’s because the issue here is much more nuanced than just filming a rape scene; it’s about the grey lines of consent and it’s about changing something from the books to make it look much worse than it originally was intended to be, for a character they know it will be regarded as very controversial/OOC, which raises all sorts of uncomfortable questions about how far D&D are willing to go for shock value. This is what GRRM has to say on the issue (bolded and underlined for emphasis):

“I think the “butterfly effect” that I have spoken of so often was at work here. In the novels, Jaime is not present at Joffrey’s death, and indeed, Cersei has been fearful that he is dead himself, that she has lost both the son and the father/ lover/ brother. And then suddenly Jaime is there before her. Maimed and changed, but Jaime nonetheless. Though the time and place is wildly inappropriate and Cersei is fearful of discovery, she is as hungry for him as he is for her.The whole dynamic is different in the show, where Jaime has been back for weeks at the least, maybe longer, and he and Cersei have been in each other’s company on numerous occasions, often quarreling.The setting is the same, but neither character is in the same place as in the books, which may be why Dan & David played the sept out differently. But that’s just my surmise; we never discussed this scene, to the best of my recollection.Also, I was writing the scene from Jaime’s POV, so the reader is inside his head, hearing his thoughts. On the TV show, the camera is necessarily external. You don’t know what anyone is thinking or feeling, just what they are saying and doing. If the show had retained some of Cersei’s dialogue from the books, it might have left a somewhat different impression — but that dialogue was very much shaped by the circumstances of the books, delivered by a woman who is seeing her lover again for the first time after a long while apart during which she feared he was dead. I am not sure it would have worked with the new timeline.”

Nothing whatsoever of what GRRM is saying above in explaining how he wrote their sept encounter even remotely hints at the fact that he intended consent to be even a question in his original work. He is not pointing out that he is writing from Jaime’s POV to build a contrast with Cersei’s, he is pointing out that he is writing from Jaime’s POV to build a contrast between the books medium and the camera medium and what each does or does not allow. And he goes further by saying that Cersei’s dialogue from the books might have helped giving a different impression of the scene: i.e. that it was NOT rape. What is happening is George trying to distance himself from D&D’s choice while at the same time being a professional and not bashing their botched adaptation of his work, by explaining why perhaps they might have decided to approach it differently from the way HE wrote the original scene and how maybe some of his material might not have fit because of the timeline.We actually have Cersei’s own POV later in the books, where she reminisces about tons of events from her close and distant past, and not once does she ever think back upon that incident in the sept in a way so as to indicate it was in any way a “traumatic” experience for her, while she does plenty of reflecting back upon her unpleasant sexual experiences with Robert, for example. Meanwhile, Cersei being disgusted with Jaime’s loss of his hand, or the way his looks are changing and his personality is changing, is very much a plot point that she comes back to over and over. “How could I have ever loved such a wretched creature?”, or getting up naked from a bathtub in front of Jaime thinking he still wants her and even taunting him with “Pining what you lost?” and then getting annoyed that Jaime pretty much tells her she’s a fool for thinking that? Hardly dynamics one has with their rapist. And also GRRM also says: 

The scene was always intended to be disturbing, but I do regret if it has disturbed people for the wrong reasons.

“It has disturbed people FOR THE WRONG REASONS”, means that he wanted that scene to cause controversy because of how damn gross it all is, them having sex next to the corpse of their incestuous son, not because there was an issue of consent. So, no. The book scene was not intended to have consent be a central point, let alone rape. Yes, something happened in the adaptation to make it come across as significantly more forced, in a way that can very rightfully be interpreted as rape, while at the same time not being intended to be rape for plot point’s sake. But, when it comes to the filming of that scene, this is what the director had to say:

Of course Lena and Nikolaj laughed every time I would say, “You grab her by the hair, and Jack is right there,” or “You come around this way and Jack is right there.“ 

Yeah. Lena was SO distraught and it was so difficult for her to film that “rape” scene. They was totally totally totally directed to play it as such, and were so serious and affected by it. Give me a break, David. And also:

The consensual part of it was that she wraps her legs around him, and she’s holding on to the table, clearly not to escape but to get some grounding in what’s going on. And also, the other thing that I think is clear before they hit the ground is she starts to make out with him. The big things to us that were so important, and that hopefully were not missed, is that before he rips her undergarment, she’s way into kissing him back. She’s kissing him aplenty.

So there’s two possibilities here: either D&D intended it as rape from the start, but didn’t give clear instructions to the director, and, in turn, Nik and Lena, so that they didn’t set out to shoot it the way D&D intended, or nobody intended it as rape but something was messed up in the editing process (apparently after this scene, they made some changes to the editing process? Not sure how reliable this info is, but maybe someone can dig it out, if they remember). Regardless, what they ended up with is a scene that has some serious, serious issues of consent, and the comments afterwards, trying to downplay the consent in favour of highlighting the context or the way Cersei did give non-verbal consent, only ended up stirring more criticism of the director and actors being rape apologists. So, it doesn’t surprise me if they’ve just given up trying to defend their original intentions, since it only made things worse (and rightfully so), in favour of trying to explain it away the way GRRM did; by trying to make up explanations that the narrative required it and it made sense to be filmed that way.So, to conclude and link everything back to the reason why we are debating this (i.e. “NCW is a misogynist for disliking Dany when Jaime is a rapist and he excuses him”), while I can totally sympathize with a show-only person who watches that scene and sees it as rape, I also think this particular scene is not something we can use in the discourse about Jaime’s character and arc, given that not only there are huge question marks about what was intended with that scene in the first place, not only it is forgotten like it never happened to the point that you could skip it and nothing would change, but we know for a fact that it was NOT what was intended in the original source material by the original author. The one who decides where the characters’ arcs are supposed to go. You cannot say “it doesn’t make sense that Jaime does X and Y in his endgame because he’s a rapist” when that endgame is being decided by someone who never wrote Jaime as a rapist in the first place. All you can say is that D&D messed up big time with that scene because it literally does not line up or fit with anything else that is going on at the time or in the past or in the future when it comes to Jaime. 

- Koops (jaimetheexplorer)

[pinkletterday]

Writer's Year In Review

This year has been a revelation. I went from deeply, irrevocably believing I can't write fiction at all to knowing that I'm actually pretty good at it!

It's given me the confidence to find work as a freelance writer and editor in real life, after years of unemployment and anxious paralysis resulting from chronic illness and trauma. A lot of other factors also helped but the fic writing played a huge role in getting my shit together.

General Fic Stats:

Word Count on AO3: 92284

Fics posted to AO3: 23

Favourite Fic:

Kiss It Better (Westallen).This fic is my baby. I love little Iris and little Barry in it so much, the hurt and confusion in each other they attempted to heal, how that healing carried into their adult love and family. It will always and always be my favourite thing I have ever written. Wee!stallen is my jam, and the reason I ship them so damn hard.

Do Not Go Gentle (Westallen). Ngl, I love this for the sheer amount of truly gratifying comments. Every single one of them have been emotional and flaily. It all makes me feel like I may have finally levelled up. Hallelujah. xD

Funniest Fic:

The Care and Feeding (Queenwestallen). This is my ultimate OT3. This fic, written as a list and discussion is 95% humour and contains some of my best banter and (I feel) characterization. An element I'm really proud of is how I managed to center and include all their important non-romantic relationships in their conversations. Iris's boisterous female friends, Oliver's friends, Cisco and Caitlin's snarky commentary all shoehorned themselves into the list with hilarious and wholesome results. 

It's not a popular OT3 but I feel like it's a good first attempt to drag this ship to water. xD

Cutest Fic:

Dancing Queen (Olivarry). Even after a year this contiues to be the fic with the highest kudos ratio (except for the more recent one) and the second most bookmarked. I love getting comments on this because they are all some variation of "my teeth hurt. I have diabetes!" xD Well, I did build it around a rainbow sprinkle icing sugar donut, but there is a significant dollop of angst there in the middle. A flangst donut.

Your Vigil In My Keeping (Westallen). This fic has less than 200 hits but has the highest kudos ratio of all. I guess kid fic isn't everyone's cup of tea, but Wee!stallen is cute af yo. I headcanon the origins of Barry and Iris's steadfast partnership in this story, where her faith and belief in him is as strong as his protectiveness of her, all tied up in the language and innocence of children.

Kinkiest Fic:

WA Smut and Kink Collection. I literally just posted this yesterday lol. So far it's just a face-sitting short, but I have quite a few hard and soft kinks lined up. Westallen needs more hard smut tbh, and they have such a unique powerfully loving dynamic that every kink I'm writing has required me to come at it a little bit sideways with a whole lot of emotional focus.

Saddest Fic:

Three fics I can't choose from.

Do Not Go Gentle (Westallen). This is basically Iris's grief and fear in a raging tempest, and it's strongly implied that the future Nora has warned them of will come to pass regardless of what they do. The fact is that there already is and will be a timeline where Iris loses Barry, just as there must be one where she won't, because that is the nature of potentiality. 

The Paradigm of Uncertainty (Westallen). This was a drabble almost, that ruminates on the probability that speedsters do not erase timelines but abandon them, along those versions of their loved ones. It's as @rkwago's brilliant comment says: "Iris hurts in so many weird, cosmic ways that her life is almost an eldritch horror house," which is the most perfect description ever of what it means to be a time traveller's wife.

The Universal Constant (Gen, background WA). A lot of people find the way Barry goes off on Joe cathartic in this fic, and so do I. But it's not so simple. I don't think Joe was wrong to form the views he did, or that anyone was in the wrong really. As @sophiainspace pointed out, it's a mediation of grief and love, their parallels and continuations between parents and children and lovers. The fact that it takes Henry's death for Barry to find the adult language to articulate to Joe why he will always believe in his father's innocence is a tragedy that cuts three ways.

(This fic is also the reason I have a folder in my drive marked "how to get away with murder" and probably a likely reason to get me arrested one day. xD)

Most Popular Fic:

Strangers In The Cold (Coldflash). The Coldflash fandom is a joy to feed. This was my first smut fic which was preceded by an entire chapter of banter about nothing in particular (except it ended up establishing a background that gave birth to the Coldflash vs Olivarry polyam series) And holy wow, for a newbie writer, the response has been amazing. Looking back, I wince at a lot of writing mistakes and its undeniably rough, but it really bolstered my confidence.

(I feel a little guilty that all my other CF stories are still in my WiP folder while I update the polyam series at snail's pace.)

The Shape of Us (Westallen). I wrote this on tumblr half-asleep one night, half as a rambly headcanon...and woke up to literally one hundred freaking notes. What the hell. Now at over 260, it's the most popular fic I've ever posted on tumblr.

I never consciously intended it to be a body-positivity fic but apparently women really relate to the insecurities of growing older and watching our bodies change with marriage, children and the sheer hectic pace of life. Even my non-fandom friends reblogged it simply for its representation of "real women". Barry's response is my own wish fulfillment fantasy; the sort of total acceptance and validation that we wish we could hear it the times we can't find it in ourselves. In light of the virulent body-shaming Candice Patton has been subjected to ever since she was revealed to have gained a fuller figure in S5, I'm very glad to have written it.

Least Popular Fic:

Carry On (Gen) This character study of Oliver Queen only has 135 hits a year after posting, which is par for the course with gen. But has a solid 12% kudos ratio, which means it's probably as good as I think it is. It's one of my favourite and easiest fics I have ever written.

Love Me Like You Do (Olivarry) Lordy, if my first Coldflash smut filled me with confidence, my first Olivarry smutfic all but ruined it. I struggled with it for a long time, unlike SitC, which I suppose shows in the over-descriptions. I got carried away with the quipping and I guess Barry topping at all is really not popular with slash fans?

Still, I'm honestly toying with the idea of deleting and rewriting it. At least it was a learning experience - don't write smut unless it makes you feel horny yourself.  

Most Challenging Fic:

Do Not Go Gentle (Westallen). I think the reason stories you knock off in two hours are instantly popular while the ones you slaved over for weeks barely get any attention is because the process is reflected in the ease of reading. But this one is an exception. It was an absolute monster, taking three weeks and several revisions to wrestle into submission - and it paid off in spades!  Going by the response, I seem to have achieved the wow factor I was going for.

My only regret is that I posted it on tumblr before the last revision that finally made it work, so that too many readers saw the lacklustre version rather than the polished one.

Honorable Mention:

A Stitch In Time (Olivarry for now, eventual Queenwestallen) Baby's first multi-chapter! Admittedly chapters 3 and 4 have been languishing in my drive for a few months now and this thing has 100% more deleted scenes and outtakes posted to my tumblr than the actual story on AO3. But I'm so proud of it! I learned to write action scenes because of it, how to write climaxes, dream sequences, news articles and tell a story in several different formats. It made me rediscover my empathy for Felicity and write her as a PoV character, think deeply on Laurel Lance's losses and give voice to her struggles, and explore how a real friendship and understanding could evolve between Oliver and Iris out of their mutual love for Barry. (Centering female characters within manpain narratives, ftw! Otoh, I centered Iris so much it veered off the Olivarry rails into Queenwestallen territory on its own)

There is so much meaty conflict and delicious looming disaster in this story that I'm determined going to keep at it, even if slow and steady. If only to bring the light of Barry/Iris/Oliver into the world. xD

Holding On (Olivarry). This real-world disability AU deals with chronic and mental illness and the precariousness and personal demons of that reality. I tore out the rawest parts of my life for this fic and put them on display so that I couldn't bear to show it to anyone for a year after it was written.

I'm very glad I did finally brush it off and put it up because it has struck a chord with so many people, especially other Spoonies. The low number of hits on a fic that deals in hurt/comfort rather stings, as I can't help but think the disinterest is because of the "disability" and "neurodivergence" tags. But I still think it's one of the best things I've written and one I'll always be proudest of.

General Reflections:

Things I've learned over the past year of writing:

- Self-deprecation is not my friend. I need to be honest enough with myself to acknowledge when my writing is good, because either I self-validate and build confidence or I become a black hole of insecurity where validation goes to die. And if I think I'm a bit better than I actually am, it's not just okay but necessary to believe it.

- What I call writer's block is perfectionism, anxiety and physical and mental fatigue. If I don't eat, sleep, hydrate and acheive a relaxed mental state, I won't be able to write. 

- Momentum is more my friend than any amount of inspiration and motivation. Sitting my ass down and make it a habit to churn out X number of words a day, even bad writing, will do more to help me than polishing an idea to a high shine. 

- If I don't forgive myself for the stories I can't write I'll never write anything. I am doing this for free, to share the love and joy and therefore obligated to no one. 

- I'm capable of writing things I don't have the first idea how to write. My fingers on a keyboard can paint the picture my brain can't visualize. 

I don't believe in New Year's resolutions, but I am going to make it a personal goal to write at least 15k words per month, learn to stick to a posting schedule where possible.  and end next year with an additional 150k words posted. 

To everyone who follows this blog, commented, reblogged and liked my posts - I see and remember and appreciate every one of you. You're the reason I feel seen and valued and why I am motivated to keep writing through all the difficulties life throws at me. <3<3<3

[umbraja]

Half Baked Goods

This is a list of ideas I'm keeping partially to remind myself so I don't forget them but also to get some feedback on if anyone wants to see them developed.

If you're interested in any of these ideas being finished please let me know so I can move that up on my list of priorities. As you can see, I've got a lot of ideas all competing for attention so I'm only working on the ones that other people actually want to see.

Some of the things on this list are continuations of stuff I've already posted so I've got them linked to that.

Works in Progress

Things for the Kidge Zine - This beast is taking up almost all of my time.

Collab Artwork - This one's a drawing, might end up animated.

Monsters and Mana Fic - I HC Keith as a closet nerd so I just couldn't help myself.

D&D Module - Working with a few artists to make a 5e D&D module based off my M&M fic.

Rover Models - Prototyping 3D models with LED lighting.

Space Caterpillars - Prototyping plushies.

Kosmo - Prototyping plushies.

GoT AU - An art series that took over my life recently.

Keith (Jon) Snow - Keith looking badass with Longclaw and Kosmo as Ghost.

Pidgett (Ygritte) - Pidge in furs with a bow - not the ribbon kind.

Allurys Targaryen - Mother of Dragonmice.

Hunk (Sam) Tarly - Hunk and Sam are basically the same person - the sweet cinnamon rolls.

Lance (Oberyn) Martell - I considered Loras Tyrell but, come on, the spear.

Shiro - I need help with this.

VLD Mix Tape - A collection of songfics from various genres, set in various AUs, some canon, featuring various ships and all the feels.

Simple Man - Based on the song "Simple Man" by Lynyrd Skynyrd. Originally this was going to be for Desert Keith Week but I didn't get it done in time. Some real good Keith and Krolia angsty sweetness.

When I Die - Based on the song "Wolves" by Down Like Silver. Pretty much Keith's thought process in that last scene of Season 4. Sad AF and super short but I'm working on illustrations to make up for it. Will post when the art is done.

Rough Ideas

Possible One Shots - These are probably going to be shorts but I never can tell and could all end up sprawling AUs given my track record with trying to write shorts.

Red Thread - Gritty Soulmates AU, future noir conspiracy plot where the government pairs people by a system that supposedly traces Red Threads to match soulmates but it’s imperfect and corrupt. Keith is a hard boiled detective, Pidge is a tech genius and daughter of a renowned scientist who is openly critical of the soulmate pairing system and hires Keith to find her father when he goes missing.

Douglas Adams Tribute (working title) - Almost Canon AU style study where I tortur- I mean, where Shiro gets thrown into the sort of absurd adventure that you would expect from the creator of the Hitchhiker's Guide, Dirk Gently, and some classic episodes of Dr Who. I want this sooo bad but it takes so long to write like that.

80s Romance (working title) - Modern AU where Keith's parents are living one of those fiery, doomed romances that make for such great stories but kind of shitty lives. Thank the-ghost-of-keith-kogane for this one. I might integrate it into my Quiet Kind AU cuz it fits.

Dancing in the Dark - Modern AU where Keith works dispatch for the university police at his school and his desk just happens to overlook the dance studios where he can't help but watch Lance practice every night.

More to Lose - Canon Divergent AU in which everything is basically the same but when the war ends and they go home the others find out that Keith had motivations to save Earth beyond just natural heroic tendencies and he actually did leave something (someone) behind.

Identity - Canon Divergent AU where Shiro is acting strange (so maybe canon?) and has a bit of a mental break that leads down an insanity spiral into Lovecraftian horror.

VLD Mix Tape - A collection of songfics from various genres, set in various AUs, some canon, featuring various ships and all the feels.

Stuff that Works - Based on the song "Stuff that Works" by Guy Clark. Basically a music video for my Quiet Kind fic. Soooft Kidge and real friendship between the Paladins.

Champion - Based on the song "Champion" by Barns Courtney. Not just about Shiro.

In the Valley - Based on the song "Through the Valley" by Shawn James. Basically a music video for the Western AU listed below.

Only Human - Based on the song "Human" by Rag 'n' Bone Man. This just screams of Shiro.

Broken - Based on the song "Broken" by DNMO & Sub Urban. Something with Lotor.

Wisdom of Officer #3 - Based on the song "Girls on Trampolines" by Ludo. Cuz even Paladins need to have fun sometimes.

Probably Series - These are probably going to be longer works, anywhere from three to infinite parts.

Trip the Light - Canon Divergent AU where Keith comes into contact with some strange alien I'll just call it a drug and, well. . . Keith without inhibitions is a beautiful and terrifying thing.

In the Valley - Western AU where the Paladins have to save a frontier town being threatened by Rail Barrons (Galra). Shiro is the sheriff, Pidge is his deputy, Matt's the sawbones, Lance manages the cat house, Hunk tends the saloon, Coran is the priest, Allura is Coran's niece and the school marm, Keith is a gunslinger.

Rabbit Hole - Almost Canon AU where Voltron has fans and they are very much like the real fandom (without the ship wars) and when Pidge stumbles across it she shows the others which kind of breaks Keith cuz he doesn't like how accurate some of the information is and thinks there could be a spy and this could be dangerous so it's tinfoil hat time!

Elsewhere - Canon Divergent AU where the Paladins stumble upon a Fey Gate into a fantasy realm where they get to meet all my OCs and participate in the insanely huge uber plot I've been running D&D groups through for decades now.

Reflections AU - A canon compliant (for the most part) series of (so far) fluffy team bonding moments that lead to introspective scenes where Keith slowly opens up to each of the others about himself. Kind of an excuse to get down some of my headcanon for Keith's past. Parts of this are already published but here's some ideas for more.

Lance (working title) - Keith opens up to Lance.

Pidge (working title) - Keith opens up to Pidge.

Allura (working title) - Keith opens up to Allura.

Hell in a Handbasket - Series of gritty, realistic vignettes showing the progression of what went wrong in Keith's past to make him the way he is. Backstory behind the fluffy parts. Waiting to see what season 6 does with Keith's mom on this.

Country Christmas - Adorable vignette of Keith's childhood in the Texas panhandle to make up for that darkness and prove it wasn't all bad. I didn't finish it in time for 2017 but I'll probably have this out for 2018.

Lone Star AU - Modern AU, Lance PoV, Klance that was going to be a much longer work but I don't have time to finish it and reader feedback suggested it would be better just to focus on the relationship dynamic between Lance and a closeted, slightly homophobic, rodeo Keith anyway. So that's what this is. Parts of this are already published but here's some ideas for more.

Au Naturale - Lance talks to Keith about skincare, or the lack thereof.

La Grange - How Lance met Keith and what started his Telecaster crush.

Bullrider - Lance observes one of Keith's hobbies.

Rattlesnake Roundup - Texas has some strange traditions and Lance can't wrap his head around this one so of course Pidge forces him to attend.

Hermanos AU - Canon Divergent AU, started as a request fill for a 5/1 where the team slowly realises that Keith and Lance are adopted brothers but I'm seriously considering expanding it into a multipart AU.

Homecoming - The Paladins return to Earth and Keith goes home with Lance. Waiting to see what season 6 does with Keith's mom on this.

New Kid - Look at the past when Keith first went to live with the McClains.

Brothers - Rewrite of the original fic but from Keith and Lance's perspective.

The Paladin Saga - Canon Divergent AU that was going to be an insanely long work where I keep mostly to canon but fill in plot holes with eldritch horrors, tie up loose ends in ancient myths, and shed light on the "legend" of Voltron to show a much darker history than Allura would like to admit while also letting humans be a little badass for once. This one was gonna be a long, sprawling epic full of Lovecraftian horror and moral ambiguity but I don't have time to finish it and reader feedback (or lack thereof) suggested I should focus on my fluffier works. Here's a list of chapters anyway, not a complete list mind you and possibly a bit out of order:

Is it Real - The Paladins refuse to believe Kolivan when he tells them Keith is dead.

Space Between - Keith wakes up in a strange place and finds something Dark there.

Fire and Darkness - The Paladins get Keith back but the Darkness has affected him.

Sins of the Father - Lotor tells the Paladins what Zarkon told him of the Darkness.

Waking Dreams - Keith struggles with the Dark, Shiro loses time, Lance gets visions.

Scorched Earth - Shiro loses control, Keith puts him down, Hunk keeps them all alive.

Things I've Seen - Lance tells others about his visions, Coran tells them about the Price.

King of Death - Zarkon returns from the dead (again) with a new weapon.

When the Arm Breaks - The Red Lion pays a heavy price to save the others.

Tides Turn - The Galra rally under Zarkon and his new power.

Devil You Know - An unlikely ally offers the Paladins help.

Fool's Errand - The Paladins make a desperate move to save Red.

The Dreamer Awakens - The Paladins find a sixth Lion and Allura gets an upgrade.

A Sword Reforged - The Paladins return with Voltron made whole and defeat the Galra.

At What Cost - The Coalition takes power but peace isn't easy and bills are due.

The War to Come - The Paladins learn of their part in an ancient prophecy.

See You on the Other Side -

[noseydewdrop]

I have a ridiculous amount of free time (mostly) at my work, I was thinking about posting this privately but then I wouldn’t be able to access this on my school’s computer. Rough drafts for my blog “ Living in Japan as an Language teacher”

Hidden Video Script Drafts:

3/18/20 - How I landed my dream job pt 1 (animation)

I wasn't always a firm believer of "everything happens for a reason". You wouldn’t be too if you grew up with my family. I recently experienced this in it's true form a while back when I heard the news that my brother was in the hospital. The timing could not have been worse as it was the Friday and night before my mom and my step dad's planned 20th anniversary on a European Caribbean Cruise of a lifetime. I was basically a vampire with my friends’ work schedules; wanting to play games with them everyday until late, and I mean LATE into the night.

On that Friday, I was casually sleeping in at 12 pm when I woke up to the most panicked mother I’ve ever experienced in my life (no joke). She insisted that since my brother is in the hospital and my step dad has decided to stay home (instead of vacation for the next 2 weeks), that I should go with her in my dad's place so she wouldn't be forced to go alone and ultimately cancel the trip they planned what seemed like forever ago.

It was a Friday in mid September and I worked at a successful, and booming American restaurant in the Seattle area. One that so happens to be among the most vibrant in the company and having set numerous company records. We were planning to be busy AF on that Friday. I was pathetic yet hopeful and doomed in the back of my mind, all while calling my boss thinking “how can I get the next 4 weeks off IMMEDIATELY” (Even more fishy that it was directly before a scheduled vacation to Japan that I requested off in April earlier that year)..

Back it up several months when two of my close friends and I planned our FIRST abroad trip ever to Japan. Saying I was an inexperienced traveler was an understatement- I never flew on a plane alone before, let alone out of the country. And miraculously, that 2 week long cruise just so happens to land the NIGHT before our planned vacation, and 6 hours before my next plane in SEATAC with my buddies to Japan. The stars aligned for this to happen, and if it came down to it, I thought “I will quit my job for this opportunity”.

But back to reality. Given the circumstances with my brother, my boss gave me Friday off and I spent the rest of the day frantically thinking of how to tell him (I’m not coming in this weekend, let alone this month. I kept it light to say the least and told him I only needed Friday off) without getting fired. For most people in my situation, I thought “they would quit for this once in a lifetime chance”. A minimum wage job is just another job, and this is not an opportunity that comes around.. EVER. Also I had no rent to pay, no financial concerns besides a student loan payment and a decent amount saved up to cover that payment without working for about a year, I mean wouldn't quit even if I (normally) wanted to. For me it was a different story. I really liked, I mean, loved my job. The people I worked with were basically family and for me quit on the spot would be so uncharacteristic of me, it would honestly be depressing for even me. I also never had a job where I could get along so easy with everyone I worked with. And with me addicted to Pokemon go and it being on 2 poke stops, it honestly didn't even feel like a job, yet more fun and satisfying than anywhere I worked before (hell, back then I KILLED for a job that meant basically playing Pokemon all day). More importantly, the restaurant taught me extremely valuable life skills; how to talk to people and be more friendly and open, instead of being my natural shy introverted self. I thought I found the perfect balance of work, extroversion and motivation to break me out of my, so called “normal” yet introverted way of thinking..

After speaking with my boss' roommate about how break it to him, I called the morning before my flight to Barcelona, telling him in vivid detail this situation I’m in, playing it as a family emergency, so my mom and dad wouldn't have wasted all the money they spent planning this trip (Sorry Riki it had to be like that!).

So I had the next 4 weeks off for my vacation around the world. From my layover in Dublin Ireland, to Barcelona Spain, with my mom on her dream cruise that showcased her favorite speaker, with a handful of the most vibrant and successful crowd of a people; with stops in France, Spain, Italy and UK Gibraltar. This was the peak of my existence (so far) and that deserves an entire story on its own. This is probably where I break this off into two parts

(sorry but as of 6/24, pt 2 is an unedited shitpost of a draft draft)

3/18/20 - How I landed my dream Job pt 2

After returning home from my Japan trip with my friends, I had so many experiences in so many countries, I felt so confident about how surprisingly independent I could be. Fast forward 2 weeks when my mother’s retirement party (in late October; she decided to retire earlier than expected instead of waiting till the end of the year) came suddenly, and was a party I could not miss. The night before, I was out at a bar with one of my best friend’s going away party, and I had a lot, maybe too much to drink. It was difficult but I made it, and in my introverted stupor and exhausted mood, I met dozens of my mother's decade long coworkers while having a few drinks at the private bar the company decided to cater for her.

It as a small, yet packed room of very knowledgeable business people; coworkers of my mom. She for the credit union for 20+ years and was the head of the loans department (and probably one of the most essential parts of the company). I was casually drinking near the bartender, and wound up talking to the nearest person in my area as I awaited the food to be served. He was in a suit and appeared in his late 50's. I learned that he didn't work directly with my mom but they knew each other as he was on the leadership side of the company. Little did I know this small, random conversation would be the spark to changing my entire future and be the pinnacle of my working career and how I landed a job with a instructors visa to teach English in Japan.

Hours passed after our brief meeting and he called me over after the food was served. I was introduced to his wife, and we discussed how their children were in close relations with my HS since their kid's HS was near mine, therefore rivaled each other in sports. We delved into the after HS and college topic and started talking about my college experiences and how I ended up as a Biology major, yet randomly working as a host in a restaurant.

My last year of college I took 1 quarter of Japanese and had an epiphany that I wish I had during freshman year; my future self was dying to study Japanese abroad. I then told them how I applied to a language company I heard of through a professor's English class that I was a TA in for Japanese exchange students from Tokyo University. Sadly the company was really competitive and I may have partied too hard and let my GPA set me apart from the thousands of yearly applicants (not to mention Seattle apparently is a hot spot for this particular company). My mom's coworker and his wife told me how their daughter taught English in Japan for 6 years and she applied to the same company with a 4.0 and still didn't get in.

I guess they hire based off region and Seattle was way more competitive than I thought. They gave me her contact info and I promptly emailed her that night. After a long conversation about her experiences, she recommended me to the company I am currently working for, and now I’m in Japan teaching English. Things were falling into place for me back then, just like stars, pin-holed in the curtain of night. Like the needle of momentum, I received from the European cruise was still in motion, There was nothing in the world I wanted more than achieving that dream.

I feel everything that happened was for this door to open for me, and the stars aligned so perfectly for me. From the timing of the cruise (and circumstances (don't worry my brother was fine)) and landing right before my planned trip with my friends, to my mom retiring early just in the perfect window for this company to hire me. I felt that everything was going my way and nothing could stop me; by just knowing exactly what I wanted.. I realized how much more control I have over my life by simply setting the intention and putting it out there, in the realm of thought. The mind is so much more powerful than I could ever imagine, and by me simply just asking for something with deliberate intention, the universe aligned the planets, or some shit I can’t ever actually comprehend, for it to work out; I’m convinced there's no way this is a coincidence.

I had this happen to me before, but not on this level. Yet I am so grateful for my parents and being exposed to the Law of Attraction at such a young age, and just accept everything and not question the logistics. As a science major I question a lot of things and there is no possible way I could ever doubt this being true after what I experienced. You could say it was luck, but the fact that when I asked for this, it happened almost like magic.

It is truly unreal to me. I feel I have so much more control of my life than I ever would have thought was possible. Now I am on a one way plane to Japan, amidst the Corona Virus outbreak and flight cancellations. Nothing in the world could stop me now. (Also, they closed the boarder a week after I arrived in Japan and as of July, it is still closed indefinitely).

P.S. This was composed on my flight to Japan overwhelmed with emotion. My recent stepmother worked at the airport I departed, so my father had inside info on my flight and planned a surprise send off. Safe to say it was the closest feeling I’ve felt with my dad since my parents were recently divorced. He gave me a key chain of his favorite car he had while I was younger, my current car (black new beetle Volkswagen), and we both silently teared up from all the childhood memories and love we can’t regularly express but have been pressured into this ultimatum of me potentially never returning to the life we we’re both use to. I wont include this in the final, but since this just the beginning, I figured anyone who actually reads this will be one in a million; someday. I have never been so sure, that anyone; anything you want or can ever imagine to have. It’s right at your fingertips, all you have to do is think, and believe it. Life is magic.

[sideofmaduros]

hey! your blog is great, was wondering if i could get some advice? I'm a trans dude, pretty unfit and like edging towards overweight. I've been going to the gym more recently (!!) which is great, but I've found that it can make me feel worse because it's drawing a lot of body image issues I've been suppressing to the surface. any thoughts on how to deal with that without spiralling into something like an eating disorder?

Hope this response isn’t too late, dude. Things have been busy af. Hurricane prep on top of classes and homework for college is a pain. Anyway, onto answering your question! I’ve written about it before a little bit here and a nice anon added some good stuff here.

Body image issues and dysphoria are really tough to deal with, especially when every other guy at the gym looks like a dang brick house and can casually bench 220. The best way I have found to combat this is to go to the gym with a friend. This way, you and your friend are focused on doing your own thing together. Do your workouts together, give each other pointers you learn from videos you watch about exercises – basically, get invested and be each others’ coach. If your friend you go with is at a similar fitness level to yourself, that makes it better, because then you can celebrate your small and big successes and changes at around the same time. When I used to go to the gym with my pal Alejandro, he and I were always doing the same weight for bench, and it was really cool to challenge each other to go up in weight and motivate each other. This made me focus less on the dysphoria and more on just being a good workout buddy to my friend. My current workout pal Nikole is Great and I love going to the gym with her. We’re both just super hype for our gains. So make a big deal out of your small achievements! It really helps!

If you can’t find a friend to go with you, or you don’t always go work out with a friend, listening to music can help distract you. Make a workout playlist or two, or just find some mixes, playlists, and albums you like and save them for the gym. Music helps you feel different stuff and can help up your mood when you feel yourself getting down. Crank up the volume and keep working hard!

Find fitness inspirations! Find trans guys on the web who’ve worked their asses off to get strong. Find trans guys who share advice for goals similar to your own, because they’ve been down that path before and have valuable stuff to share. There are a lot of them on youtube. My fav fitspo trans guy on youtube right now is Nathan Ostrum. Aydian Dowling is also on youtube – he’s the trans guy who was trying to get into the Men’s Health magazine! He’s a certified physical trainer now and puts a lot of fitness related content on his youtube channel ALionsFears. Seeing where these guys are now and knowing where they were before can help you feel like your goals are attainable and realistic.

There will still be bad days, though. Nothing will be a perfect fix for issues like this. You’ll still feel insecure and dysphoric sometimes. Try not to let that get you too down. I’ve never suffered from an eating disorder, so I can’t really talk about that and what that’s like or how to deal with it, because I feel like that wouldn’t be honest from me. But I definitely know what it feels like to just be at the gym and noticing all the cis guys around you and feeling like shit for not being able to do as many reps with the same weight – or even to handle that weight at all for one rep. I felt small and jealous and angry. I still feel this way. But remind yourself that you’re doing this for you. Every day you work towards your goal is a day well spent. No day is wasted if you’re working towards your goal, whether it be challenging yourself to make a faster time with your cardio jog, going up just 5 pounds for your squats, or resting after a rough day at the gym that kicked your ass – you’re getting somewhere: moving closer to slowly becoming the man you want to be. And it is a slow process. Change doesn’t happen all at once. You won’t lose weight or get huge gains overnight. It takes a long time. Bodybuilders and athletes who look the way they do have been at their sport for years, but they had to start somewhere. Everyone does. Nobody’s going to be amazing right off the bat at anything, and everyone has to work hard for a long time to get to their ideal place – and even then, that will evolve overtime. But my point is, don’t let dysphoria keep you from doing things for you. It’s really tough to get out of your room and hit the gym sometimes. Heck, it’s tough to even wanna change into your gym clothes when you’re having a really shitty day. But this is for you – this is to get where you want. Nothing is going to be easy, and there’s no shortcuts. You’ll feel like you have to work twice or three times as hard as any cis man to get the same results – and in some ways, that is true. But that does not mean it’s impossible. Stay dedicated, and if anything, go to the gym to fuck dysphoria. Let spite and frustration fuel you and work extra hard just to give a good “fuck you” to all the jealousy and insecurity. It’s better than laying in bed and doing nothing.

But even then, some days you will end up just laying in bed and doing nothing and letting the negativity get to you. Don’t feel bad. Don’t beat yourself up. Everyone slips back, everyone has rough days where they don’t do as well as they want to, everyone has something that just sets them back. It’s not your fault. Sometimes, you’ll mean to get back to the gym and you’ll keep telling yourself, “Today, I’ll go,” but something comes up and it takes you weeks, months, a year, for “today” to finally happen. But do not let yourself be eaten up by negativity. It’s way easier said than done. Take care of yourself, go at your own pace, take your time, and make sure whatever you’re doing will be healthy and good for your body. Don’t push too hard, don’t strain yourself, don’t take on too much at once. It may not feel like it, but you have time to get to where you want.

I hope this helps! Feel free to send me more asks if you still wanna discuss this, or even message me if you’d like. I’ll get to you as quickly as I can, dude.

[somehowconfident]

more intro volunteer stories

Okay so im just sitting on my own in a corner with the power sources created for the volunteers. Enjoying my last few quiet moments. Not exactly quiet tho, music has been playing for days and the amount of people varies a lot. I probably wont be able to describe a lot in detail since ppl will probs be returning from beer and then ppl will charge their stuff and shower as well. Luckily only several groups of employees are allowed to stay so its not as hell as the next 4 days are gonna be. Im on mobile so no bullet points like i do usually weeeeeeh

So thursday was supposedly the big day for the build up, so it was pretty busy. We had to place boards to cover the floor, as the intro is in this sport facility and ofc we cant damage the floors. I never cant do nothing, so i was always looking for the tough tasks. During the placement i was mainly working with a guy (F) who Ive 'met' before, but awkward me is hard at socializing sometimes. THE MOST IMPORTANT THING IVE LEARNT THIS WEEK IS THAT ITS MUCH EASIER SOCIALIZING WHEN YOU INTRODUCE YOURSELF OR ASK SOMEONES NAME. anyways since I had to work at my parents home as well I stopped on time and left. After working I wanted to go back to my college home, but wanted to drop off my bike at my college city (not the same) so took my little brother's bike as he didnt need it anymore and I lost mine after my intro last year (not theft, removal by city) ANYWAYS I cycle to city when suddenly a pop sound happened. My back wheel literally exploded. Fuck. Dropped it at my college city after some delay and got it repaired.

Friday was such a fun day omg. So me being a super volunteer I like to be on time. but since I was the first person all 4 days I didnt want to make it too awkward and purposely arrived later, turned out to be one minute AND I WAS STILL THE FIRST PERSON. So yeah, at day it was kinda warm and the tasks were tidious so it was a very unproductive period. F also came by and we mainly worked together. It was a bit frustrating that everyone took a break every few minutes and it took hours to only finish one fifth so yeah ugh. Also the plates that were placed the previous day were ducttaped, but they dont stick and its the most annoying task every day bc it has to be redone EVERY FEW HOURS. So back to the original task, which was placing a particular material where the students would sleep (different from the plates) The organisation wanted them done that day but it seemed impossible. They also told us we could leave after dinner as well (which was provided by them). So dinner happened and suddenly some people who work very close with the organisation suddenly had a power boost and felt motivated. Most volunteers had already left but they were kinda replaced by those people. We decided to just finish it so we could reach the goal. So few moments later we were just going crazy with the material. Its physically a very tough job as it involved lots of walking, ducking, pushing etc. F stayed as well so we just helped that motivated group. I mean, they were so much fun to be around so I just wanted to stick with them as well. I FELT SO APPRECIATED BY THEM they didnt want to exhaust me and tried to send me home but I refused.

I passed the 12 hour shift mark and was still working. To celebrate our progress beer was taken out and ofc i had to explain i dont drink ohwell. Worked a bit but then apparently they needed a driver but ofc everyone had alcohol whoops. I was working meanwhile so cue ANNEKE HAS A DRIVERS LICENSE RIGHT??? shit. They didnt want to push me but decided to do it anyways, for the experience. The teacher that was in the car with me doesnt even have his license BUT SO PATIENT AND HELPFUL yes I survived. When I got back they were basically done. I counted the hours and I freaking worked 14 hours HOLY SHIT so with the whole 'persuading me to go home' thing turned into 'anneke youre not allowed to come in before 10' sigh OKAY THEN. Didnt get much more sleep anyways, as I had to pack everything for the week bc it was my last night in my college home.

So on Saturday I came in after 10 (after lots of train issues) and tons of ppl greeted me and they know me now its so great. There were tons of people, so it was kinda uncomfortable. It was already a weird day bc my morning was so messy. After lunch it was clear that there are too many people so they sent tons of ppl home, although it took 3 ppl to persuade me. Would've stayed, but since I was gonna be at a friend I didnt want to make it too late. They know that I put tons of effort for the intro so at least they know I'm just trying my best. Watched 2 movies that night, havent had proper sleep for a week so it was also nice to have at least one good night in the two rough weeks.

Then it was today, sunday. Morning was hell again, as my travel app sent me to a non existing bus stop and ended up being really late but M really doesnt mind it. Did some tasks again, picked up my bike from repairement and it was expensive af. Today all employees were allowed to drop off their stuff and after my friend joined I finally got a spot. Finally saw my team for the first time as well, who were supposed to work from wednesday but werent there sigh. Took a break till most people left again so I did random tasks and walked around.

So we have two leaders in my function, only saw one of them once and i mistook the other one for someone with the same name so i saw that guy for the first time as well (or not, i didnt really remember him) he seems to know my work tho altho I have no idea how much he knows. So yeah hours later, Im just sitting here tumblring lol. I dont really have best friends here (most ppl signed up with friends and I mainly talk to organisation) so it's always awkward joining a convo. Smt they just make a small talk or leave me on my own, but mostly the atmosphere is okay. I should shower. Got my shirt, kinda settled in and just mentally preparing myself for tomorrow. Freaking 660 students. Lots of beer. Tasks with deadlines. Gonna be tough.

[nanyoky]

Nell’s Preemptive “I Told You So” Riverdale Predictions Roundup

So we’re three eps in to season two, and one of my favorite activities with an active series is to wildly speculate about what’s going to happen so I can gloat if I’m right or turn the possibilities into fic if I’m wrong. 

Things I think might happen:

~The Killer: Let’s get the easy one out of the way. We all know the writers are trying way too hard to cast suspicion on Hiram for it to actually... be Hiram. I mean he’s a shady dude, no doubt. But I really don’t think it’s actually him responsible for all the shootings and deaths. So who is it? Someone with strong black and white morals. Shooter appears to be Caucasian male- middle aged.

I’ve seen speculation that it’s either Sheriff Keller or Hal Cooper. Both strong options. Both very morally black and white to a painful fault. Add in that Sheriff Keller seems like- REALLY BAD at being sheriff (altho an A+ dad) and that seems like a good guess. This would also cause so much angst for Kevin, who is now a much more involved and rounded character. Hal is not particularly threatening, but a bit of a dick so that doesn’t seem far off either. Angst for Betty who already feels like she’s inherited the worst parts of her family and acknowledged that there are things they just #don’t talk about. So she would have sort of seen it coming. And they both fit the general physical description of the shooter, so if it’s just one person acting on their own, solid options.

Also seen guesses that it’s Betty’s long lost brother which seems kinda... cheap. This is a soap opera/suburban gothic. Shock value is worth it’s weight in gold here in genre town. For the killer to be a mysterious figure that we know exists but haven’t met yet seems kinda lame. He may be a good red herring tho- like FP in season 1.

Personally, I’m thinking more of and Orient Express situation. Multiple killers. Maybe the Messed Up Parents brigade all got together and decided to do something about the crime in their town, Hot Fuzz style. Or multiple motives with one killer claiming credit for the other attacks to gain legitimacy. It’s early. I’m still gathering crackpot theories.

~Archie’s Whole Deal (TM): Archie is going to shoot someone who doesn’t deserve it on accident. This isn’t even a theory. We all know it. Big piece of my money is on Ronniekins cuz they got together way too early and Hiram gave a very brief but threatening version of the shotgun talk so that could be real messy. She wouldn’t die. But it would seriously mess up their relationship and how all the characters see Archie. And how he sees himself because he already always feels like everything is his fault so if a case wound up where something terrible ACTUALLY WAS he would not be in a good place.

Another piece of my bank is on Fred because how awful would it be for Archie to accidentally kill the one person he’s so obsessed with protecting. God. So messed up. HERE FOR IT.

Maybe Betty. Maybe Jughead. Maybe Kev. Childhood friends. Ouch. I don’t think they’d actually kill one of the core four, but we all know how much network tv loves to kill their gays so.... 

But aside from that I am calling this HARD: Archie has not told us everything about what happened at the diner. The shooter said something or had some other identifying characteristic or SOMETHING that Archie is scared to tell people about. He’s a really bad liar and his reticence right after the event felt like it went beyond survivor’s guilt. 

Possibilities for this: the Black Hood said something that indicated a personal connection or a threat of more violence. It seems like in all the flashbacks, the diagetic sound is cut or distorted, but we can hear the shooter shouting. And normally when witnesses look at suspects, the police ask the lineup to repeat a line that the perp said so the victim can hear their voice- ESPECIALLY in a case where the perp was wearing a mask. That this didn’t happen makes it seem like archie didn’t tell Sheriff keller any details on what the guy said, which seems weird if it was just “get on the ground!” or “don’t move” or something. I dunno. This could just be a writing oversite. But it could be something so lets wildly speculate shall we.

OR: Archie knows who the shooter is. Or has a guess. He seems REAL stuck on the green eyes thing. Almost to the point where i don’t believe it. Like- I know the guy was wearing a mask so the eyes are the only detail he could pick out, but I don’t really notice people’s eye colors that often- especially when in a high stress situation. It seems weird how sure Archie is and how much he fixates on the detail. Like if he just looks the right person in the eyes he’ll know for sure. In the words of the meme world “okay... that seems fake, but okay...”

SO maybe he knows who it is. Or has a guess who it is. Maybe the killer threatened something along the lines of “you better lead them away from me or I”m coming right back” so Archie picked some implausibly minute detail to feed the cops to comply, which feeds into his guilt, thus Team Kickass.

~Pollykins on The Farm: Okay this one may have like zero basis aside from a gut feeling (and one time I got a gut feeling that Captain America: Civil War wasn’t going to disappoint me, and here we are, so go ahead and take this with a metric ton of salt) but like? Are we? Worried? About this farm Polly is going to? That there’s just some farm upstate that can’t wait to have a pregnant teen hang out with them? And the way she said “they still have room for me” makes it sound like there’s a lot of people there? So it’s not like- a plot of land and a little house she and Jason were thinking of buying- but a community they were going to click into? Add in the HEAVY Zodiac killer vibes and I am... concern. I am very concern about the possibility that maybe last season was late 50s/early 60s esque Suburban Gothic themed, but what if this season is... late 60s/early 70s esque serial killers.

Polly. Baby. Angel. I fully support your decision to leave Riverdale but please consider starting a club of #Sensible People with Joaquin instead of joining the Manson Family.

~What’s Up With Hermione- I Mean- Right? I’ve seen a lot of people saying “I really liked Hermione in season one but what the fuck happened? Why is she so awful now?” Veronica made a reference in Season one to her mom taking pills/drinking, but she seems to be drinking a lot more this season.

And I mean- she’s got shit going on. Her husband is back. There’s a lot of baggage with that. He knows she had a bit of a tryst while he was in jail so their relationship is likely strained at best. Also she knows that he threatened her safety to their fucking daughter which is just wow. Gold star hubby right here. So maybe her behavior/attitude is a reflection that she’s now back in a toxic relationship and things were more like this before Hiram went to jail, Veronica just didn’t notice because she was The Old Veronica and wrapped up in her own little world. That’s entirely plausible.

But what’s also plausible is Hermione playing a long game. She proved herself very smart and very shrewd in season one with all that happened with her husband and the serpents and Fred.  And her plot seemed to end off with Fred giving her a bit of a carpe diem when it came to her husband and their shady business dealings. Maybe she’s taking him up on that call to action, but very much in her own way. Does she want to Bring Hiram Down completely? Does she want to divorce him? Does she just want a bit more agency and control over her family and her life? We’ll see. And I’m excited to.

~Your Secrets.... Your Sins....: Is anyone else concerned about this phrasing from the Black Hood’s letter? Is it just me? I mean it’s not exactly so esoteric that it might be a coincidence, but there were a lot of people at that party and any one of them could be/have a connection to someone who might want to kill people. I’m not really including this in the killer speculation just because it’s less a prediction, more of a detail that is making me #STRESSED

Things that won’t happen but I can dream can’t I:

~I have this really intense fantasy of Cheryl hooking up with some guy who’s like- the goonish musclehead of the week for her. And they go out to the woods to make out and he gets a bit fresh. And then doesn’t react well to her rebuffing him and gets rough. And then she just straight up kills him in a bloody mess. Probably with a knife with an ornate handle because of course she probably has one of those lying around somwhere. OR with some more brutal and unexpected weapon like a crowbar. All this happens while Little Red Riding Hood by Sam and the Pharaohs plays. Cheryl looks great. The goon looks dead. Scene cuts from Cheryl’s wide eyed, heavy breathing, lip trembling, blood splattered face to black right on the “Aroooooooo” at the end of the song. Hire me CW I’m your exact brand of Extra AF but I’m better at dialogue.

Likelyhood: slim to none. This is a weirdly specific need I have and I don’t know how it would fit into the larger plot. I just need it real bad.

~I want Joaquin to come back and for there to be drama between him and Kevin because TRUST but ultimately they have a heart to heart about how different their lives have been because we know Kevin’s dad is very supportive but like- we don’t know anything about joaquin’s home life other than that he’s in a gang? and people just don’t join gangs cuz they think it’s fun? so I’m feeling Tale As Old As TIme: parents kicked him out when he came out and the Serpents were the only place he could go and FP didn’t fucking care he was gay just so long as he was loyal and so that explains that complicated relationship there. And so they get back together and continue looking very cute and in love and happy. That I feel is a good balance between the v. real “being a gay kid in a small town sucks ass” drama and the v. real desire a lot of us have to just fucking let the gays be happy for once goddammit.

Likelyhood: Low. They really seem to be steering Season 2!Kevin away from Season 1!Kevin hard so the probability of bringing back his old side character love interest seems very very low. But I dunno. I think they made an error in underestimating how attached we’d get to Joaquin’s pretty face so if they’re trawling social media they might see all the “i miss snicksnake boy...” and take pity on us.

~The “Blossoms in the Attic” joke I have been fucking waiting for since Episode 1

Likelyhood: low. I feel like if it was going to happen, it would probably have been Veronica during Secrets and Sins.