Lonely
Sam Rossi X GN! Reader
Summary: You've got no doubt Sam's choosing to spend the night alone in his hotel room on New Year's Eve, so you decide to offer him some company.
Warnings: Smoking (weed), vaguely nsfw
Word Count: 4,051
A/N: Completely gender neutral! I haven't published a fic in upwards of four years so I hope it's enjoyed. Thanks @unstablecryptid for proofreading so blame him if there's any typos
Ever since he’d moved to Alaska, Sam spent most holidays alone, including New Year’s Eve.
Some of his acquaintances were friendly enough to invite him to dinners, parties, or other social gatherings, but he’d always politely decline, vaguely explaining that they knew how he felt about that sort of thing. They didn’t really know what he meant, not with how little he talked about his emotions or his past, but they never pressed. Maybe they were compassionate enough not to force him to open up, or maybe they were just afraid to discover that Sam had what they would consider a tragic past.
Sam never minded, though, or at least convinced himself he didn’t mind. He was better off alone, without anyone he could burden, or inevitably make uncomfortable because he ran out of small talk to make. He’d be courteous, keep to himself, spend his night with a book and a bit of weed to keep himself content. It was medical marijuana, he always told those who asked, but he knew that it was for more than just his achingly stiff joints.
Still, when he heard a knock at his door, and then a second set of knocks, he couldn’t bring himself not to answer.
When he saw your face, he let out an internal sigh of relief, knowing you definitely wouldn’t try to drag him to a party.
“Hey.”
“Hey,” he mumbled, rubbing the back of his neck. “What’re you doin’ here?”
“I don’t know, I just figured you might need some company. I know you like your alone time, especially on holidays, but I… I wanted to see you,” you admitted, not adding that no one had bothered to invite you anywhere.
“That’s nice of you,” Sam said awkwardly, nodding slowly. It was kind of you to stop by, it really was, but he didn’t want you to come over just because you pitied him or thought he was lonely. Well, he was lonely, but that wasn’t for you to worry about.
“I brought ice cream,” you added, holding up two small containers of Ben and Jerry’s. “I don’t know what flavor you like, so I got you Half Baked, cause, y’know.”
That got Sam to crack a smile, to your satisfaction. It was a shitty joke and you both knew it, but he appreciated it anyway.
“Yeah, yeah, come on in,” Sam finally caved, stepping away from the door, “Speaking of, sorry about the smell, I, uh, I can get some Febreze, if you want.”
“You don’t have to stop smoking weed just ‘cause I’m here.”
Babysitting high and/or drunk friends was always a chore, but you knew Sam was a decent enough person not to get stupidly high around you, especially if you weren’t also smoking. On top of that, he actually bothered to buy good weed, so it didn’t smell nearly as bad as some of the shit you were around in high school.
“We could smoke together. If you want.”
You paused to mull it over, licking your lips. Sam definitely didn’t seem like a bad guy to get high with, maybe it’d even calm you down a bit. Honestly, you were somewhat upset about no one reaching out to you on one of the biggest social holidays of the year. Eating ice cream, getting high, and watching some mindless movie on your Netflix account- because Sam didn’t have cable or any streaming platforms- sounded like a relaxing way to spend the night.
“Sure.”
“Alright, lemme get my things. You can turn on the TV, put on whatever, you know I ain’t good with technology,” he said, as if his outdated television was some fancy sort of high tech.
When Sam came back with his pipe and a bag of weed, you expected he’d also have put on a shirt, but he didn’t even seem to notice he was shirtless. You weren’t exactly bothered.
As always, you started out watching television silently, not taking the time to make uncomfortable small talk or speak simply to fill up the space. However, as both of you struggled to focus on whatever easygoing show you’d chosen, one of you cracked.
“Why did you come here?” Sam eventually asked, even though he’d already asked once.
“It’s like I told you, I wanted to see you.”
“You didn’t have other plans? There must’ve been somethin’ more interesting for you to do, rather than spend your night with an old man like me. C’mon,” he pressed. It was difficult for him to believe someone, especially someone like you, would go out of their way on a holiday simply to spend time with him smoking weed and eating ice cream. There had to be better options, truly.
“Well, no,” you whispered, a wave of embarrassment crashing against you.
“Oh, I— I’m sorry.”
“Did you get invited anywhere?” you asked, instinctively re-routing the conversation. You didn’t need Sam to feel bad for you, you didn’t want him to think he was your last resort. Spending time with him was nice, it was comfortable. It felt right.
“Yeah.”
You gave him a pointed look, dramatically pulling your spoon from your mouth.
“Well, c’mon, you know how I feel ‘bout those sort of things. Just ain’t for me.”
You could empathize with that, with not wanting to be around large groups of people you barely knew who were drinking and acting irresponsibly. However, you knew it was more than that with Sam, it always was, he was more complex than people gave him credit for. You knew others thought he was just some quiet mountain man with loner tendencies, but you knew better than that.
“You should go, one time,” you suggested, even if he hadn’t asked for your opinion.
“They don’t…” Sam trailed off, scratching his beard, “They get on just fine without me.”
“Maybe, but I’m sure at least some people would like things better with you there. I do.”
“You do?” he asked, finally making eye contact.
“Yeah. Why else would I be here?” you answered honestly, offering a weak smile.
“You’re sweet, that’s… Thank you. But, uh, as I said, things like that just ain’t for me. I’m just fine staying at my own place, minding my own business, really,” he said, struggling to accept the compliment.
More than anything, Sam had become accustomed to being alone most of the time. In his opinion, he’d gotten pretty damn good at it.
You were tempted to push more, but stopped yourself, taking another hit instead. You wanted Sam to treat himself better, the way he treated others, but you were mature enough to know you couldn’t force him to change. You’d spent enough of your life hoping people would change.
Sam being antisocial didn’t mean you disliked him, the same way you disliked other traits in people, but it left a dull ache in your body. He was valued, especially by you, so much more than he’d ever know or that you’d ever be able to admit.
Eventually, after what felt like ages, Sam said, “‘S jus’ hard to…” he made a vague gesture by interlocking his fingers, “Connect with people, y’know? I mean, I know you know ‘bout my past, even if I haven’t told you every detail.”
Sam’s family died years ago, which was ultimately what motivated him to move to Alaska. Most of the time, he’d simply say his brother died and he’d moved down there to take his place as the motel manager. That wasn’t completely untrue, but if the rest of his family was still alive, he would’ve sold the property and gotten them a nice, safe house with a big backyard for his present and future kids to play in.
They’d all become the past, at that point. Faint memories whose faces became blurrier with every passing day, whose voices he no longer heard in his dreams. They still showed up in his dreams, they did, but they always seemed so far, like an echo of his own voice. He could never reach them.
The people living around the humble abode that was Sweet Virginia weren’t bad, but they seemed like echoes, too. Something he could hear, but couldn’t have, couldn’t quite latch onto. If he tried, maybe he could convince himself he’d caught one at last, but he knew he’d eventually lose them.
His heart wouldn’t survive that a second time, and even if nothing bad happened to anyone else, he knew he’d be gone soon enough. He couldn’t put someone he cared about through that, through the same loss he’d experienced.
“Sam?” you prompted, bringing him back to reality.
“Must’ve lost myself for a second there, I’m sorry, I—”
“You don’t have to apologize so much,” you said softly, “You’re fine, seriously. We don’t have to talk about this if you don’t want to, I won’t be offended.”
It might’ve just been the weed making you spacy, but for a moment, you didn’t even feel like you were in the same room as Sam.
Sam exhaled deeply, leaning his head back against the wall, eyes glassy. He didn’t even need to look at you to sense your hurt, he’d spent enough time with you to recognize every one of your microexpressions. He hadn’t meant to upset you, truly. In fact, he’d been trying to do the opposite by avoiding talking about his own troubles.
He wasn’t sure he did anything right.
“I can talk about it. I should talk about it, prob’ly,” he thought aloud, giving in.
“You sure? I was saying that your past doesn’t define you, you know. Everyone whose moved out here, to the middle of fucking nowhere, is trying to escape their past in some way. It’s not exactly a secret.”
“I can’t forget them. Wouldn’t be fair to them,” Sam said. He purposely left out that he wouldn’t ever be able to forget his family, even if he did want to.
“I know. I’m not telling you to forget them. It’s just… You don’t have to make yourself miserable over it. You’ve got a life here, you’ve got people who care about you. You’re allowed to make a new life.”
“When’d you get so wise?” Sam said, chuckling nervously to himself. “I thought I’m supposed to be the old man here.”
“I meant what I said,” you said, resisting the urge to insist again that he wasn’t old, he was only in his 40s.
“I know.”
Sam paused, biting at his lower lip. He did miss the closeness, the comfort of being in a relationship and mutual love. At times, he even craved it so badly it ached, but he couldn’t ever force himself to do anything about it.
Clearing his throat, he asked, “You said everyone here’s try’na escape somethin’. You already know ‘bout me, but what about you? You escapin’?”
It was obvious that Sam was changing the subject, diverting the attention away from him, but you went along with it. After practically interrogating him for so long, it only felt fair to answer honesty.
You replied, “Yeah, but it’s nothing interesting. I just got bored, I guess.” You could feel Sam’s gaze burning into you, with those soft, dark eyes of his. “Same place all the time, same people, same job, same everything. It was… Exhausting. Being that person. Trying to be that person.”
“What person?”
“Someone I’m not. You know, when you feel like you’re putting on a show for someone, even everyone. ‘Cause even if you trust someone, sometimes there’s things they just can’t know about you. They just can’t.”
Sam nodded silently, still listening with intense focus. He knew what you meant, to an extent, even beyond how he kept to himself.
When he was a rodeo rider, that was ninety percent of his job— putting on a show. A very small portion of it was the actual riding, the falling, the thrill of it all. It was almost purely about entertaining others, traveling further and further from your hometown, hearing the crowd cheer your name, lifting you up, and feeling their resounding disappointment when you fell too hard.
There were some things he couldn’t tell you, though, too. One thing in particular.
When he properly registered you looking at him, waiting for a response, he said, “Yeah, I know what you’re gettin’ at. You mentioned you did have someone up there, though, right? You keep in touch with them?”
He hoped you did, for your sake.
“Not really. When I first moved, they reached out a couple times. But, I never picked up the phone, and then they stopped. I know that’s probably cruel, but I just couldn’t. I knew they wanted to know why I left, why I really left, and I couldn’t give that to them,” you admitted, realizing you hadn’t explained to anyone why’d you left until just then, telling Sam.
“You should reach out.”
“So should you,” you pointed out.
Sam grunted, thoughts beginning to blur. “Maybe. But you’re young, you got your whole life ahead of you, you could find someone to talk to, to connect with, fall in love with, get married, all that.”
“I never said it was romantic,” you snapped, sounding more defensive than you’d intended.
“I… I know,” Sam said, and you could’ve sworn he flinched. “‘M just sayin’ you still got plenty of opportunities. Don’t want you endin’ up lonely.” Like him.
“I’m not lonely,” you said, tone softening, becoming more of a whisper than anything.
“That’s good,” Sam said honestly, reaching out to pat your knee. He stopped himself. “You… you mean you’re seein’ someone, or just got some good friends, or? I mean, I hope you got both of those things, you know.”
“Not exactly,” you admitted, “I think I’m— fuck, I think I’m in love, but I don’t think it’s mutual.”
“You never know,” Sam said, even though he was being a hypocrite.
He wasn’t sure he was full-on in love, or convinced himself he wasn’t, but he was more than familiar with the concept of unrequited attraction. It felt like thorns wrapped around his heart, digging into it, with a flower that never seemed to be able to fully bloom before wilting again.
“You… you got anyone?” you tried, even though you knew the answer. You figured that maybe he had someone he was pining after, maybe that widow Bernadette, who he seemed to spend a lot of time with. It pulled at your heart strings to truly consider, but you couldn’t help wanting Sam to be happy, no matter what that looked like.
“What, like a girlfriend?” Sam gave a more genuine laugh that time. “You know the answer to that.”
“Well, yeah, but… Anything? Any person you’ve got some big, secret crush on?”
Sam chuckled again, shaking his head to himself. “Somethin’ like that.”
“Really?” you said, not meaning to show how surprised you were. “I mean, that’s good, I just wasn’t expecting that answer.” You decided to push your luck, and asked, “...Bernadette?”
“Pardon?”
“Is it Bernadette? She seems to be pretty affectionate towards you,” you pressed, trying not to let jealousy creep into your voice.
“Nah. Like you said, it ain’t mutual.”
You couldn’t tell if he was lying or not, but you figured it didn’t matter anyway. It wasn’t your place to ask, or to know.
“To two loners, then,” Sam toasted, offering a sad smile, lifting up his container of ice cream.
You clinked containers. To two loners, ice cream, a blunt, and shitty television.
“I’m not lonely,” you blurted out, deciding you’d blame the weed for that.
“Hm? What was that whole spiel about, then?” Sam said, still doing his best to lighten the mood. He was glad you weren’t lonely, even if he had no idea what you were talking about.
“Life as a whole kinda sucks, in general, but… I’m not lonely. Not right now. It’s like I told you earlier, I wouldn’t be here if I didn’t like being around you.”
Sam felt his body tighten, breath catching in his throat. He hadn’t expected you to say that, anything even remotely similar to that. His hands were shaking more than usual, and he was painfully conscious of it. He figured he must’ve looked like a schoolboy with the way he was acting.
“I do,” you repeated, willing Sam to say something, anything at all. You’d been impulsively vulnerable, and some part of you was wishing you wouldn’t suffer the consequences of it.
“You’re out of your mind,” Sam mumbled at last, setting his ice cream down, taking a long drag from the blunt.
“Just… come on. Just… tell me no, if you mean it, just tell me.” You wanted to know what he felt, more than you ever had before. You fucking needed to know.
Inching closer to you, Sam placed a hand on your knee, like he originally meant to. It was a small, seemingly friendly touch, but it spoke volumes.
“Do you love me?” Sam finally asked, his entire body burning up. Even worse, his face and ears were flushed red, and even his hair couldn’t cover it.
It was far too complex of a question to be asking, perhaps inappropriate, but he couldn’t stop himself. For once, he’d said what he was thinking, without waiting. Just like you’d been encouraging him to, ever since you’d gotten to know him.
Faces so close that you could feel his heavy breaths, your lips twitched up as you said, “I think so.” You still couldn’t fully say it, you didn’t want to accept how painfully hard you’d fallen for him.
“Can I kiss you?” Sam asked, moving his other hand to cup your cheek. You’d never realized how large his hands were, how warm they were against your skin.
“Please,” you whispered instantly, not even needing to think before speaking, and his mouth was on yours within moments.
Sam kissed you gently at first, then like he was starving for it, more aggressively and passionately than you’d ever seen him be about anything before. His beard scratched against your skin almost irritatingly, but you were barely paying attention to that. Instead, you were letting him push his tongue between your teeth, leaning into it.
Sam had been yearning for a long time, but he never knew how bad he’d been needing you until he’d finally kissed you. It felt right, perfect, to have you so close to him, hands in his hair and on his bare skin, your pulse throbbing underneath his fingers when he instinctively wrapped a hand around your jaw.
His brain was fuzzy, body humming with energy, purely focused on you being in front of him. For the first time in longer than he could recall, he wasn’t reminiscing about the past, or worrying about the future. In that moment, all that existed to him was you, how much he loved you.
When he finally pulled away, he rested his forehead against yours, crooked nose pressing into yours, doing his best to still make eye contact with you.
“I love you,” he murmured. “Meant to say it earlier.”
“Sam,” you exhaled, still in disbelief. You reached out to touch his bare chest, fingertips playing with his necklace.
“‘M not as rusty as I thought, then, huh?” he said, smiling, idly stroking your cheek with one finger.
“You’re a good kisser,” you agreed, then added, “For an old man.”
That had Sam laughing so hard his forehead rocked against yours near painfully, his whole expression softening. You’d never seen him laugh that hard before.
“Wish I knew sooner,” he admitted.
“Me too. But… We’ve still got plenty of time, don’t we?”
Sam pulled away, raised an eyebrow, then said accusingly, “What’s that supposed to mean?”
He knew exactly what you meant. You’d figured that if you’d already shared “I love you”’s on your first pseudo-date, that wasn’t exactly off-limits.
“I mean, there’s still plenty of time to do whatever things we want. I know you’re a cheesy romantic, I can just tell.”
You weren’t wrong. He was a cheesy romantic, who’d be willing to take you on all sorts of movie-worthy dates and spoil you with affection.
But, he knew what you really wanted, and he wasn’t opposed to it.
“What kinda things?” he said, leaning back in, looking you up and down in a much less proper way than he ever acted.
“Are you really gonna make me say it?” you asked, blushing. Mostly, you were just relieved the feeling was mutual— not just romantically.
Sam mumbled something under his breath before hesitantly placing his hand at your waistband, fingertips barely brushing it. Looking at you with big, glittering eyes, he asked, “Please? I’ll… I’ll be good to you, I promise.”
Your stomach knotted, jaw involuntarily clenching. The worst part was that you knew he wasn’t even trying to pull something with that, not any sort of dirty talk, that he was genuinely just begging to touch you.
“If you don’t take me to your bedroom right this minute, I will not hesitate for our first time to be on your couch,” you said frankly, not exaggerating in the slightest.
Sam’s lips parted, his jeans suddenly growing uncomfortably tight. Within seconds, he was on feet, reaching his hand out to take yours.
Sam was good in bed, much better than he’d made himself out to be. Initially, he was nervous, constantly apologizing and insisting that it’d been a while and you could tell him if anything was wrong or didn’t feel good. But, the more you touched him, the longer you drew out the foreplay and focused on his pleasure, the more he unraveled.
He mumbled your name over and over, still repeating that he loved you, groaning softly with every movement. In return, you made sure to praise him the whole time, reassuring him how good he felt, how good he was doing, anything to help him relax. To be fair, you did mean every word you said.
Afterwards, he cuddled up to you, head on your chest, touching you wherever he could reach. You were idly playing with his hair, running your hands through it again and again.
“I never knew your hair’s curly,” you said, subconsciously wishing he kept it that way in public.
“Mm, it gets annoying. Messy.”
“I like it. It’s cute,” you said, and felt Sam’s body shake as he chuckled against you.
“Cute, huh?”
“Yeah, cute.”
“No one’s ever called me that before. I mean look at me, I ain’t…” he threw his hands in the air, trailing off.
You stopped yourself from showering him with compliments, deciding you wouldn’t embarrass yourself another time that night.
“I think so,” you said simply. “You were good, y’know, I wasn’t just saying that. You were really fucking good.”
Sam blushed again, turning his head to the side as if that would hide it. Too flustered to thank you, he admitted, “I needed that. Needed you.”
If he kept talking like that, you were going to need to go for another round. Well, you didn’t not want to already, but you knew that’d be pushing your luck.
You were already pushing your luck by staying there so long, with the postcoital cuddling and tender words. It’d been a long time since you’d had sex, even longer since you’d been that affectionate with someone.
Furthermore, you knew Sam valued his alone time, that he’d probably need his space after being so social. You’d been at his place for a while, surely tested his limits with the entire situation.
“I can leave,” you whispered, after a long period of silence. You didn’t say that you wanted to leave, that you should leave. You had nowhere to be, no one else to be with.
You shifted, beginning to get up, but Sam grabbed your wrist before you could properly leave the bed. For a moment, his grip was so tight it hurt, but it loosened as soon as he saw you grimace.
“Stay?” he asked, voice cracking. His eyes were so wide that he almost looked scared.
“Yeah,” you agreed easily, sidling back up to him, “I can stay.”
You fell asleep facing each other, arms and legs entangled, both getting the best sleep you’d gotten in a long, long time.
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