#Not sure why it won’t let me insert the link properly

[softykooky]

sanctuary: six

summary: leaving your father was easy. leaving them? well...that’s a different kind of strength. 7.9k words.

genre: mafia au, fluff, major angst

pairing: ot7 x reader

warnings:  toxic and dysfunctional familial relationships, mentions of domestic abuse (physical and verbal), swearing, ptsd & trauma, poor mental health, mentions of anxiety & panic attacks, reader goes to therapy, hurt, argument/yelling, the boys are mean...

author’s note: i made you guys wait long enough hehe :) hope you like it, please let me know what you think! and please take notice of the warnings!! they are there for a reason <3

♡ series masterpost ♡

Your nightmares have gotten better...somewhat. Better in the sense that you don’t let them carry over as much to the next day. Better in the sense that now, there are seven smiling faces that greet you every morning to help the fear dissolve. But they still relent as strong as ever, and make you toss and turn every single night with no pity. 

They’ve gotten more frequent since that meeting with your father. More vivid. Some nights, your nightmares are so bad that you just end up migrating over to Taehyung’s room right next to you and sleeping on the edge of the bed (though you just end up wrapped around each other in the morning). Taehyung never bats an eye. Only opens the side of his thick duvet for you to crawl into and flicks on a lamp because he knows you don’t like the dark after a nightmare. 

Tonight is no different. From the other side of the wall, Taehyung can hear your pained whimpers and mumbles that he can barely make out. Your sheets rustle as your body protests the vivid dream, and he can’t help but to bolt out of his comfortable position to check up on you. You’re still deep in restless sleep when he opens the door and approaches your bed. 

“Y/N, sweetheart, please wake up”, he soothes, caressing the side of your face with one hand. “It’s just a dream.”

The yellowing bruise on your cheek has begun to fade, but it still makes their blood boil every time they catch sight of it. Seeing it right now makes Taehyung want to burn the entire city down and your father along with it. But he is here for you. And Taehyung (and the other six) cannot be anything but soft towards you. 

“Baby, wake up”, he says again, louder this time and it makes you begin to stir out of sleep. You quiet at the contact of his skin but your eyes remain closed and that fitful frown is still on your face. Taehyung doesn’t know that his mere presence brings you comfort. Even when you’re not conscious. 

He takes the authority to nestle under the covers next to you and it’s as if your body just naturally gravitates to his, tucking yourself into his arms like a linking puzzle piece. It’s a selfish reason, and Taehyung doesn’t want to tell anyone, though he has a feeling the guys already know and also share his belief. But he secretly treasures the moments that he gets with you, even if it is for a heartbreaking reason such as nightmares. 

He loves the feeling of your body next to his, and the blankets that get just a little too overheated because the both of you are human furnaces. He loves the gentle thud of your heartbeat on those nights that he holds you closer than normal, when you shake like a leaf through your dreams and he is your tether to the ground. 

And to think, just a while ago he was yelling at you from the other side of the wall, complaining about your loud crying. He wants to go back in time and kick himself. Taehyung’s scared. He’s never really cared for someone like this before. 

You are already safely stowed away in his wide chest when a shadow walks by the room. Taehyung is not surprised when Yoongi creaks the bedroom door open, and not surprised when he sees Jimin in tow. 

“We heard her all the way from upstairs.” Yoongi mutters through a yawn. Jimin just sighs and looks at your sleeping figure with concern and longing. The two men shuffle into the room and as Jimin lifts up the blanket to flank your other side, Yoongi sets himself at the foot of the bed. Not that any of them lacked space, of course. The boys made sure your room was properly equipped with a large California king. 

“It’s been getting worse. I don’t know what to do. I want to help her, but I-” 

Taehyung finds himself getting choked up through his words. They all feel the same way. It’s just that there’s been too many nights where he’s had to hold your broken pieces together while you scream out the ghosts of what has happened to you. If it’s too much to bear for the seven of them, looking from the outside, they can’t imagine how it must feel for you. 

Jimin reaches over, your body nestled between the two of them, and inserts his hand inside Taehyung’s, caressing the thumb back and forth of his skin. 

“I guess all we can do is be here on the nights that are difficult.” Yoongi tilts his head so that he’s looking at you, still drifting off in your dream with a pained expression on your face.

“She’ll get through this. She’s strong.” 

The words that Yoongi whispers into the night air of your bedroom are hopeful. Uncharacteristic for a man like him, but when it comes to you, optimism is the only choice. He’ll allow himself to have hope if it’s for you. 

The four of you fall back into shallow sleep, and time passes by differently when it’s night time and your bones cry for rest. They fall in and out of consciousness for a minute or a couple hours, none of them are sure. All they can focus on is their worry, and you continue to battle through your war of bad dreams. Jimin and Taehyung awaken again when you begin to stir.

You quiver like you’re cold, even when you’re sandwiched in between two warm bodies and they both snuggle in to hold you even closer. But you remain lost to your nightmare and begin to cry tears that drip down and dampen the fabric of Taehyung’s pajama shirt. He knows you’ll apologize profusely for that in the morning, but he couldn’t give less of a damn about his shirt. The feeling of you crying in his arms makes him feel like an utter failure. 

Jimin wipes away the wet trail that the tear left behind on your skin, and wants to cry himself. He doesn’t know how to take your pain away, and wants to scream because sleep is the only time where you can truly rest and the universe deprives you of even that. 

“I’m so sorry, princess. We’re here.” He whispers to your unhearing ears. “We’ll be here.”

When your cries begin to get loud and your muttering becomes pained, the door is softly opened again. This time, it reveals a wide-awake Jungkook and a not so awake Hoseok. Yoongi rolls his eyes but can’t help the fond smile that paints his lips. 

“Jungkook, I told you to stop staying up so late playing video games.” he whisper-scolds, and Jungkook looks sheepish in the lowlight of your bedroom. They’re not surprised by his late night antics by any means, and they’re also not surprised that he abandoned them to check up on you. They all know Jungkook has an unreasonably tender spot for you. 

“Is it her dreams again?”, Hoseok says, pure worry leaking out of every word and staring at your impossibly small self in Taehyung’s hold. There’s no annoyedness in his tone. They’re all just deathly concerned about you. 

Pushing Hoseok inside the room and quietly closing the door behind him, Jungkook situates himself on the loveseat next to the bed, while Hoseok just plops on the plush rug, snatching a throw pillow and tucking it under his head. Jimin sweeps a stray hair away that had fallen into your face. 

Though they’re all trying to close their eyes and sleep, they all know that tonight will be a restless one. If you are not peacefully sleeping, they won’t be able to either. And it seems that that statement applies to all of them, when not even 10 minutes pass until Namjoon and Seokjin make their way to your bedroom, for the same reason as the other five. They wordlessly set out pillows and blankets on the floor beside your bed, nestling into each other for warmth and hoping that you can feel their sincerity even in sleep. And if anyone could see them now: big, bad mafia bosses cuddling together to help you through a night of bad dreams, Bangtan would force them to sign non-disclosure agreements. For you though, they could do this for hundreds of nights. 

When all seven are there, you miraculously slumber peacefully through the night. For the first time since Taehyung crept into your room, you are resting comfortably, quiet and undisturbed. And when you start snoring, Taehyung wants to cry with sheer relief. It was as if your subconscious vied for the presence of all the boys, and now that you have it, they finally allow themselves to drift off as well. 

The last thing you expected when you woke up this morning was to be dripping in sweat and much too aware of the extra three bodies on the bed with you. Ones you don’t remember going to sleep with last night. You have no recollection, just remembered that you went to sleep alone and now the seven men you’ve grown far too fond of were in the room with you, still snoozing the day away. 

At the foot of your bed, Yoongi stretches his limbs and groans when the sunlight peaks through the curtains into his eyes. He squints away the sleep and smiles dopily at you from under a blanket. Hopefully he doesn’t notice the way you practically melt at just his gaze. 

“Morning, sweetheart.” His throaty morning voice makes you blush two shades of red. 

“Good morning”, you whisper back, not wanting to wake any of them up. They just look so adorable and so completely exhausted. Yoongi bets that all of them would rather forfeit their positions as mafia bosses before telling you it’s because they stayed up all night worrying about you. “Um…”, you murmur, eyes darting around the room, “why are you all in here?” 

Yoongi doesn’t know what to say. He doesn’t want to admit how whipped they actually are for you. 

“You were...having bad nightmares. So we wanted to come make sure you were okay.” 

Your eyes widen at Yoongi’s confession, and it reminds you of when Namjoon had done the same for you all those nights ago. It makes your heart ache and bloom at the same time because well..no one’s really cared enough to do something like this for you. Something so simple yet significant. You blink away the mistiness in your eyes, looking around the room once again. 

Three of them are on your bed. The rest are distributed across the floor and Jungkook’s slung uncomfortably on a chair. When you look back at Yoongi, it seems like he already knows all the thoughts running through your head. He already knows the words you want to say, but don’t know how to articulate. 

“We’ll do this every night if we have to, Y/N. For as long as it takes.” 

You leap from your spot under the blankets to wrap Yoongi in a bear hug, burying your face in his shoulder as he buries his in your hair. Though you are overheated from the cuddling and still dazed from sleep, you hold him with as much sincerity as you can muster. You have a feeling he can tell when he holds you back just as warmly. 

The movement makes Jimin and Taehyung wake in unison and as they rub the fatigue from their eyes and land on the sight of you perfectly swathed in Yoongi’s arms, the two of them think it’s a sight they could get used to waking up to. They wonder if you feel the same way. 

“Thank you.” Your words are airy and light in his ear, but Yoongi knows their true weight. He doesn’t say anything. Just plants a soft kiss on the side of your temple and relishes in the scent of your shampoo. 

When he stares past your shoulders, he meets the gaze of Jimin and Taehyung, who are fondly peering at the two of you. Years of being with each other, they’ve learned to communicate certain things without having to say anything. And right now, in the gentle morning light, the realization is beginning to seep in. 

Perhaps the way they care about you is more what they had expected. 

Living with the seven of them is an adjustment. Getting accustomed to a rhythm and routine in a house that’s the headquarters of an underground powerhouse is easier said than done. You were constantly surrounded with uncertainty and tiptoeing danger but you had never felt unsafe. They were there. And as long as you had them, this house was sanctuary. 

You’re not in any immediate danger. Your father had basically agreed to leave you alone for the foreseeable future and the media had begun to calm down. However, when the tides have settled, the boys are able to see you up close and personal and at all the ugly scares you’ve tried to hide from everyone. They’re able to see what those years of trauma has done to you. 

Whenever someone’s voice booms too loudly across the mansion, yelling orders at subordinates or for any other reason, you start to quiver like a leaf in the wind. When one of them reaches towards you too quickly, for simple things like a wave or to hold your hand, you can’t help but to flinch in anticipation. And you try to hide it, but it’s impossible not to notice. 

They notice everything. 

They always do, when it comes to you. 

With every mannerism and survival instinct that has been involuntarily drilled into your subconscious, they all grow angrier that you’ve been subjected to this pain. Hoseok has had to talk Namjoon down from sending their entire fleet to dismantle the ambassador a couple too many times as they continue to learn how deep the trauma with your father truly runs.

“Y/N…”, Jin hesitantly mutters, fiddling with the food on his plate nervously, “have you ever thought about...going to therapy?” 

You freeze in between a chew and swallow, eyes staring into his with an innocent deer-in-the-headlights expression. You look like you might have a panic attack, and Jin is quick to cut the tension. 

“N-not that we’re forcing you to do it, my love. It’s only a suggestion. It’s just that..maybe it would be good for you. To talk about things and get professional help.” By the way he says it, and the way the other boys are staring at you expectantly, you realize this is something they’ve probably been discussing for a while now. And though it’s heartwarming to know that they care about your health, the idea of going to therapy is deathly daunting. 

“I don’t know, guys…” You twist your hands in your lap, a nervous habit to show your discomfort and they all instantly regret bringing this up at all. You keep your gaze glued downwards. You’re afraid that if you look up, you’ll just see disappointment from the ones that you’ve grown to care about so much. You don’t think you could handle it. 

“Could you look at us, Y/N?” Namjoon’s voice is soothing and there is no single trace of anger or frustration. You slowly tilt your head upwards and meet his eyes. 

“At the end of the day, you don’t have to do anything you don’t want to do. If you don’t want therapy, then fuck therapy, princess.” 

Namjoon feels gratification when his statement makes you smile, and his heart suspiciously flutters in his chest. 

“But we just want the best for you. We all want you to heal because…”, Namjoon looks around and makes eye contact with the rest of the boys, whom he knows share his same feelings. 

“You’re so important to us.” 

You’ve known this. You know that they care about you even when your mind forces you to doubt that anyone does. But when you hear it like this, so raw and unfiltered with sincerity leaking in every letter, it ignites something that you haven’t felt in a long time. 

Hope. 

You take a glance next to you at Jungkook, whose warm smile makes your lungs feel like molten honey. At Yoongi, who looks back at you with gentle eyes. At Hoseok, who is impossibly soft with you. At them all. It makes you realize something:

You don’t want to go to therapy. It’s scary and you’re not really sure if you want to talk about your father or your family or anything that happened before you met Bangtan. But you have people who care about you now. And if you didn’t want to do this for yourself, then, well... you would do it for them. 

“You don’t have to decide now, but-”

“I’ll do it.” Your voice slices through Taehyung’s words. “I’ll go to therapy.”

“Are you sure, Y/N?”, Hoseok questions. Though he wants you to very badly, he wants you to do it on your own terms. And though your statement is strong, he can see the doubt and uncertainty swimming in your irises. 

“No, not really.” you whisper, and they practically deflate so you are quick to remedy their dejection. 

“But...I know that I want to get better. I know it’s going to be hard, but I want to get better.” You take a deep breath.

“For you. All of you.” 

The room falls silent, and the noise of clinking cutlery against porcelain plates stills. They could only look at you and wonder what country they have saved in their past lifetime to deserve to stumble upon someone like you. Someone so wonderful, and so damaged but so determined to heal. For them. For all of them. 

Jungkook scoops your hand in his, and when you look in his eyes, you are stunned to see that there are unshed tears pooling at his waterline. He looks at you and there’s something in his gaze that you can’t place. Something lovely that makes you feel like all this hurt has been worth it. Jungkook looks at you like there is something worth looking at. 

“We love…” From your other side, Jimin starts speaking, but cuts himself off halfway through and suspiciously glances around the table, meeting the gaze of the six other boys who already know how he wants to finish that sentence. But he doesn’t. 

“W-We love that you want to do that for us”, he coughs, and you return it with a smile. 

Did a part of you want him to say something different? Something deeper? You’re not sure, but the tinge of disappointment in your stomach that follows his words is a sign. 

Could you allow yourself to think that someone could actually genuinely like you past platonicity? Much less seven powerful men? After years of your father telling you the complete opposite, accompanying each scathing word with a bruise, it’s difficult to believe anything different. 

Therapy was, in a word, completely exhausting. It was tiring dancing around the subject of your father’s abuse, your mother’s neglect, Soyeon’s blatant denial and just the complete package of being the eldest daughter to Ambassador Yoo. When they all had scheduled you for 4 sessions a week, you immediately wanted to decline and opt for one. But their eyes had all looked so hopeful. So excited for you to get professional help, and there was no possible way you could have turned them down. 

Progress is frustratingly slow, though. Some days you just want to quit.

 You plop unceremoniously on the large plush sofa, grabbing the nearest throw pillow and cradling it to your chest. The boys are all in the other room, but are now fully aware of your presence after you slammed the front door and huffed your way to the comforting couch. They can practically feel the rays of stress emanating from you. 

“Y/N? Baby? What’s wrong?” Jimin is the one that first approaches, and the rest stare on with concern leaking out of every pore. And when you reply with a sniffle and hiccup, their hearts all collectively break. 

You feel a dip in the couch and crane your neck to lock your teary eyes with Jimin’s, whose brows are deeply furrowed. You involuntarily launch into his arms, tucking your face into his neck, and inhaling his cologne that always manages to calm you down. You hear them all shuffle around you. 

“It’s just..”, your voice pitifully cracks, “hard.” From your position, they are thankful you cannot see the heartbreak in their expression. It’s so hard for them to see you as anything but happy. 

“I don’t know if I can do it”, you breathe out, feeling a new wave of tears begin to rise. You want to cry even more at the thought that they would be more disappointed in you. .

But there is a warmth from your other side, and you don’t know who it belongs to as it sits next to you. 

“I’m so proud of you, Y/N”, Namjoon whispers oh-so-softly. They are such simple words. Arguably mundane and ordinary. Then why does it knock the wind right out of your chest? Why does it light up your dark tunnel? He’s proud of you. They all are. Even when you are an emotional mess with low mental energy, Namjoon is sitting next to you and telling you that he’s proud. 

You erupt into heart wrenching sobs that won’t seem to stop no matter what you do. It’s the kind of cry that feels like a weight has been lifted off your chest. A cry that comes straight from your core and it sounds painful but truthfully, it’s just relieving. You know that all of them are worried out of their minds. You can feel it in the way Jimin shakily holds you as tight as he can, as if you are delicate chipped porcelain in his arms. 

But this is how you rebuild. With the seven of them by your side. You tell Namjoon to cancel your future therapy sessions the next day. Your psychologist was far short of revolutionary, and when they all asked you why, you admit that it’s not the therapy that’s helping you get better. 

It was just them. Being around them. Talking to them. 

It was Seokjin carding his hands through your hair and rubbing out the tension that always inevitably develops in your temples. It was Namjoon letting you lounge quietly in his office as he goes through paperwork, enjoying your presence as much as you enjoy his. It was Yoongi and Hoseok rambling to you about their adventures on the field (leaving out the gory details, of course. They wanted to keep you innocent and soft). It was Taehyung sneakily replacing your pink peonies as soon as the first petal began to wilt, even after the infinite amount of times you told him it was unnecessary. It was Jungkook and Jimin making excuses to spend the afternoon snuggled up on your bed when you all knew it was simply because they wanted to hold you. 

It was all of them tiptoeing around affection, craftily sneaking in spare kisses and touches on the skin. Holding you a little longer than necessary, a little more tenderly. Intertwining your hands under the dinner table, or when their subordinates weren’t looking. 

You notice the way they blush more often, if you let your touch linger for too long, or if you brush past them and make skin contact. You notice how pet names are easier to spill from their lips; ones like: my love, honey, sweetheart, baby...and you can’t help but to completely indulge in the way it is addressed only for you.  Little ways to subliminally tell you that perhaps you meant more to them than they were ready to admit. And you would be lying if you said your feelings for the seven of them were completely platonic. You would be lying if you said love wasn’t on the brain. 

Perhaps you are the missing piece to a puzzle they hadn’t realized was unfinished. 

“Hyung...I think I love her.” Jungkook is unsurprisingly the first one to voice it. The six others don’t even bat an eye. 

“No, Jungkook. I know you love her”, Hoseok whispers back in the tense silence of their meeting room. You are fast asleep on the floor above, but their hearts call out to you through the short distance. 

“I am too. We all are.” It is a truth they’ve known for a while. Sooner than they’re proud to admit. 

“I guess now all we have to do is figure out how to tell her.” 

They did want to. Tell you, that is. They wanted to shout it from the rooftops and make it known to the world that you are the angel that has snatched their hearts without even realizing it herself. If it hadn’t been for the disaster that suddenly struck their mafia, the boys would have already bared their souls to you. But timing was never kind. 

Bangtan were not known to be gullible. Not known to be easily fooled. So when Taehyung ran into their meeting room, red-faced and clenching his fists so hard they turned white, the Judas in their gang had come as a scathing surprise. 

One of their inner circle. Someone they had poured their trust and faith into, who had learned the system of their syndicate, had been a mole the entire time. Of course, they had disposed of him quickly, but the damage had already been done to their business. Allies and affiliates were backing away from collaboration in fear that Bangtan had been breached by law enforcement. Shipments were going missing more frequently, and even the lower hierarchies of their gang were beginning to become doubtful. To say the least, the seven of them were under debilitating stress and frustration. 

Nowadays, things were different than before. You were mostly kept in the dark about their business but you knew that something had happened. Something to make them so wound up, and it worried you to no end. It’s impossible not to notice how tense the house had become. 

Taehyung no longer stops by your room late at night, and in the early hours of the morning, you can still hear the frustrated clacking of his keyboard from next door. Not that you needed him to help you through your nightmares, but...you’ve gotten used to his comforting presence next to you.

Jungkook doesn’t seek you out for random conversations, and Namjoon just completely disappears in his office most days, not sparing you a single glance when he does manage to show his face outside. He locks the door now. You take it as a strong message that you are no longer welcome, and it upsets you, but you understand they are going through a rough patch. Your job is to be the least bothersome person you could possibly be. 

But Yoongi just flat out ignores you now, and you know Hoseok pretends to care about whatever topic of conversation you bring up. You can see right through his empty affirmations and nods. The kitchen is completely void of Jin, and there are no more clanging pots and pans when you try to cook for yourself. And Jimin is just like the rest of them: absent and indifferent to your presence. 

You know that it’s not you. The problem on their plate is bigger than you, but it still feels like you are a walking, breathing burden. You know that it’s not you, but your mind tells you they don’t want you here anymore. They’re sick of you. 

Two weeks pass by, and they’re still so cold even after all your attempts at trying to be calming comfort in their chaotic lives.  They still talk to you, but it’s strictly refrained to small talk that feels obligatory and like they have better things to do than spend time with you. They’re so busy that you often find yourself hanging out alone in the garden or making light conversation with the maids, or gang rookies that hang around the mansion. 

And it hurts to admit, but they don’t notice when you begin to regress to your old behavior. They don’t notice when you begin to flinch at anything that moves too quickly again, or the way you begin spacing out more than usual when you delve too far into your thoughts. They don’t notice when your nightmares start worsening again, too busy in their pooling stress to hear you toss and turn late at night and emerge from your bedroom with red, sunken eyes in the morning. You are relapsing into the learned behavior from your father, and you are terrified to admit it to yourself. But after a particularly bad day of anxiety and panic attacks, you put your fear aside to talk to the boys again about going back to therapy. It was virtually pointless, but you won’t let the seven of them take the brunt of your mental health when they had so much going on already. 

You timidly make your way down to the lower level of the mansion, slow footsteps leading you to their meeting room, where they’re all engrossed in their work and you can feel the tension choking the air. None of them notice your presence at first, until you cough to get their attention. They all snap their heads up and stare.

“Hey, could I um..talk to you guys for a couple minutes?”

 You feel like a specimen under a microscope. You used to be so comfortable talking to them. Now it just feels unnatural. 

“Can it wait, Y/N? We’ve just lost another shipment, and it’s a big one”, Yoongi grumbles from his seat, rifling through a tall stack of papers with a permanent crease in his brows. 

“Okay, then when can we-” 

“We’re just really busy right now.” 

Jungkook doesn’t mean for his voice to be so loud. He probably didn’t even pay attention to it, but it makes you flinch and stumble backwards. Makes you melt more into the girl you used to be. The one who stayed quiet out of survival, diminishing under the authority of a loud voice with cruel intentions. You know he doesn’t mean to do it. But you can’t help but see the face of your father again, and those long-healed scars seem to re-flicker with pain. 

Still, these were your boys. So you push on. 

A deep breath. “I was just thinking that maybe I could go back to-”

“Y/N, please. We don’t even have enough time to breathe. I’m sure whatever you need can be addressed later.”

The room falls into silence. Their message is loud and clear. And though it's painful to hear, it’s your own fault for exaggerating your place in their lives. He was right, it could be addressed later...you were just being a bother. 

“Right. Sorry.” Your halfhearted mutter falls deaf on their ears. They haven’t spared you a single ounce of attention, eyes still glued onto their work. You swallow down the heavy feeling in your throat and force the tears away. Why does your chest feel like someone’s twisted up your heart? 

You’re always so sensitive, Y/N. Such a crybaby. You can’t even take care of yourself. 

The tread upstairs back to your bedroom feels like an arduous journey as you try to hold yourself together and pretend like their actions hadn’t hurt you. But they weren’t responsible for your trauma. Your problems. You couldn’t blame them for not making it a priority, when their empire was threatened. 

They don’t hear you that night when you hold a goose-feather pillow to your chest and sob out the fear of being unwanted again. They don’t show up at your bedroom door when you wake yourself up from crying through a nightmare. 

You’ll figure it out yourself, with or without a therapist and with or without depending on them. From now on, you decide to make yourself invisible, focusing all your energy on dragging yourself out of the dark place you’re stuck in once again. So if you have to suffer in silence for their sake, so that they don’t have another insignificant loose end to worry about, you’ll do it. It’s the least you can do.

But you’d come to learn that those words are easier said than done. 

“Miss Y/N?” There is a light knock at your door, and the soft voice of the maid barely penetrates through the thick wood. You remember her name was Jun. The noise goes through in one ear and out of the other, and you can’t even find it in yourself to reply. 

“You haven’t left your room in two days. I was just...making sure you’re okay.”

Her statement shocks you out of your dazed stupor, and you hadn’t even realized the amount of time you spent staring into space, limp on your mattress.

 It was getting harder. To just function and drag yourself out of your bedroom so you didn’t, and two days unknowingly passed. But to you, they only felt like hours. Time passes by differently when you’re blindly navigating through trauma. 

It’s hard to sit up and slowly tread to the door, and your bones ache after not moving for so long. When you open it, guilt pools in your stomach to see her worried expression. Though you can guess why she looks so concerned. You’re a complete disaster. 

“Oh, honey…”, she sighs, tucking a loose strand of hair behind your ear, “here. Let’s get you into some fresh clothes.” 

You mindlessly let her help you out of your days old T-shirt and sweats, mindlessly let her guide you into the shower and turn on the water, mindlessly let her rub shampoo into your scalp. You don’t even have the energy to open your mouth and tell her the water’s too cold. You’re still stuck inside your own thoughts, and you can only hear your father’s voice in your ear as he repeatedly affirms how worthless you are. Useless Y/N, that’s what he would say. Good-for-nothing Y/N. 

You’ve somehow gotten it into your head that the reason why they’ve been so absent with you is because they don’t know to tell you they want you to leave. After all, staying in the Bangtan mansion was only supposed to be a temporary solution. Maybe this is how they kick you out. 

When Jun wraps you in a fluffy towel and drags you out from underneath the showerhead, you catch a glimpse of yourself in the mirror. Your cheeks are sunken, and the dark circles under your eyes look almost painful. And somewhere along with that reflection is the image of your father. His angry face, glaring at you and screaming why you let yourself get like this. 

“Jun, have they…are they still busy?” Her eyes widen at the first words she’s heard from you, but there is sad sympathy on her face in a split second and you’ve already gotten your answer before she can say anything. 

“Yes, dear. The bosses are very occupied. But they can always make time for you, hm? They care about you a lot, you know.” Jun’s statement makes you frown, but you don’t retort. Maybe you used to think that they cared, but now it just felt like their kindness was out of obligation. They felt guilty for sending you back to your father. Or perhaps they used to care for you. But now...you weren’t so sure. 

When she manages to get you downstairs, in the kitchen, and set you in front of a bowl of soup, the boys are nowhere to be found. Jun tells you they’re out doing business and you tell yourself you’re not hurt that they hadn’t even noticed your absence for the past two days. 

They’re just roped up in other things, that’s all. 

After your shower and meal, Jun insisted that you take a stroll around the garden, and specifically instructed you to check out the new peony bush she had just planted. She mentioned it was per request of the seven bosses, but you had a hard time believing any of them would be concerned with something like that during this time. They hadn’t even made the time to talk to you. 

You hadn’t realized how much you needed to be outside and breathe in fresh air until you stepped out into the grassy space. Even though the solitude was getting to be too much, you were experiencing a newfound peace that you wanted to keep for as long as possible. Jun was right, and the peony bush was absolutely gorgeous. You actually feel like an alive and functioning human being. It was surprising that you were so dependent on the boys that without them, falling apart was inevitable. But now you were coherent and not so drowned in your toxic mentality (you’ll have to thank Jun profusely later), and you feel determined to talk to them again.  About going back to therapy, no matter how useless it felt back then, and try to get on your own two feet. Now that you had seen and felt how serious it was, you wouldn’t be so complicit if they tried to silence you. 

From over the tall hedges, the sounds of wheels rolling on gravel could be heard before the tense slams of car doors. The sound of Jungkook and Namjoon’s low muttering falls on your ears and though it sparks excitement inside you, you’re also fearful of what they might say. You don’t think you can handle another swift rejection like last time. Their indecipherable conversation ceases when you hear the entrance doors close, and seal them inside while you are still out here in your own world. 

The white peony that’s cupped in your hand feels so fragile and soft that you don’t want to touch it anymore. It makes you think of them. Of how delicate it feels recently and how you’re so deathly afraid of them changing their minds one day and kicking you out with nowhere to go. Maybe you’ll just wander around again. There’s a distant cousin in the states also, but you’d have to figure out how to get out of the country without alerting your father. You shake yourself out of your intrusive thoughts. 

No way your boys would do that to you.

Right?

The way back from the garden to the house is brief, but your anxiety about talking to them lengthens the trips and the feet feel like miles. You are wrapped up in your thoughts the entire way, and when you make your way into the house, you almost don’t notice the angry voices that are bouncing off the walls. It sounds like Taehyung is yelling, and the sound curdles your stomach. You hate it when people yell. It just reminds you of your father. 

You follow the commotion to the kitchen, extra cautious and apprehensive. The sheer volume of their reprimanding seems to shake the house and your hands begin to quiver as you get closer. Peeking out from behind a wall, their backs are to you but you can see the face of a sheepish boy who hangs his head, gaze glued to the floor as the seven men continue to berate him. You recognize him as one of the newer members that was initiated a couple weeks ago; you’ve talked to him a couple times and he was never anything but courteous. He looks like he’s about to cry and it makes your heart ache.

Your attention pans back to the seven out of shock. The only time you’ve seen them this angry was at the meeting with your father, so you can only imagine what that young boy has done to land himself in this position. 

“I told you a fucking million times too many, Lee. I told you to check in with the shipments as soon as they arrived in Myeongdong. So imagine my fucking surprise when I get a call notifying me that they’re all missing. Stolen.” Namjoon’s voice cuts straight through the room. His fists are clenched and even from the back, you can tell the expression on his face is one of scalding fury. 

A shipment? They’re this infuriated over a shipment?

“I-I’m sorry, Boss. Please, I...please forgive me. I know it’s no excuse but I’m new here, a-and I swear this will not happen again.” He shrinks into himself and you quietly whimper in sympathy. 

Yoongi humorlessly chuckles. “You swear? The only valuable thing you have to swear on is your life. And even that’s not worth much.” 

It’s moments like these that you forget how cruel and ruthless they can be. They’ve always been so soft and gentle with you before, you forget they are mafia bosses overseeing an entire empire. That they’ve gotten here for a reason. You forget that people fear them. But you remember now. 

Lee stays silent and still refuses to look up, but you can see the way his knees shake uncontrollably. He is one person standing up against 7 huffing bulls, so angry they can’t see straight so if you - tiny and meek you - has to be the one to come to his defense, so be it. 

Because you’ve been that person going head to head with a bull. You see yourself, terrified and regretful, in Lee. And you’ll be damned if you have to watch and not do anything about it. Your heart beats thunderously in your chest but you push past the fear. 

Their heads all snap up in surprise when you march into the kitchen and stand in between them and the boy, who looks even more painfully young up close and sporting that deer-in-the-headlights expression. You lock gazes with each of them, swallowing your nerves before speaking. 

“Is it really that big of a deal to yell at him like this? Look at him”, you gesture to the cowering person behind you, “don’t you think he’s had enough?” Your voice is still soft, and such a contrast to their angry ones. But it seems like your gentle tone just makes them even angrier, and snaps them out of their initial shock.  

“A big deal? He cost us thousands in shipments! I’d say that’s a pretty big fucking deal to me, Y/N.” Jungkook bursts out, exasperatedly running his hands through his hair and looking at you with an angry frown. You flinch at his volume. The stress on their shoulders is more apparent than ever.  

“Why are you defending him, Y/N? You don’t even know who he is”, Jimin spits, growing even more irritated. There’s a hint of jealousy in his words and it’s so subtle that you don’t even notice it. 

“I know that he doesn’t deserve to be yelled at like this for a little mistake. One that I’m sure he is regretful of making.” It suddenly feels daunting when you realize that you’re going up against all of them, and now, they’re all staring at you with the same anger that was meant for the one that messed up their shipments. 

“And what if that mistake is a sign that he’s traitorous? Hell, I wouldn’t be surprised. Seems like that’s a trend going around here.” From behind you, Lee is quick to open his mouth and begin to protest, but you interrupt and speak strongly. It seems this disciplining session has morphed into a full blown argument between you and them. 

“It was one person. I get that it’s shitty, and I’m sorry it happened. I understand that you have to be on watch now and extra cautious. I do.” You sigh, a pleading look in your eyes but they remain stone cold.

“But one person did that. Are you going to treat everyone like they betrayed you? Are you going to treat me like I betrayed you?”

“I don’t know Y/N, you were so quick to defend him. Maybe you did. I wouldn't put it past you.” 

Taehyung’s words run through you like a hot knife to butter. You almost stagger back at the shock. You’re no stranger to hurtful words but when they are coming out of his mouth, it hurts tenfold. How could they think you would betray them? 

They promised to trust you, didn’t they? They promise they’d believe you after they failed to the first time. Now it just feels like you’re that spoiled little rich girl again in their eyes, standing in front of them and pleading your innocence. 

“W-what? No, I-”

“You know nothing about our world, Y/N. You can’t possibly understand.” Jin’s silver voice is colder than you’re ever heard it. 

“I know that, but could you just please-”

“As a matter of fact, this is a mafia business matter”, Yoongi shoots, poisoned words designed to hurt. 

“I’m not sure why you’re here at all, Y/N. Just leave.” 

Gone is the strong persona that you had put up to protect this young boy. Gone is the confident woman who thought she had the will to stand up for herself, much less someone else. You can only keep your eyes glued to Yoongi, and hope that he doesn’t see your heart crumbling right in front of him. How had he aimed mindlessly at your insecurities, and shot a bullseye into the biggest one?

Maybe you did, Y/N. I wouldn’t put it past you.

Blame it on the blurriness through your tears or the sheer shock running through your veins, but you can’t find one smidgen of regret or guilt in his expression. On any of their faces. Just anger and annoyance, aimed directly at you. And suddenly the spacious mansion feels all too suffocating. 

You know nothing about our world Y/N.

The words you plan to say die on the tip of your tongue, as quickly as they came. There is nothing that comes out and in the aching silence of it all, the way you maintain eye contact with each of them speaks volumes. Yet they are blind to the way you are ripping at the seams, and oblivious to the turmoil they are putting you through. The coldness of their gaze and words shoot through your core, like a blade of ice piercing through your heart. 

I’m not sure why you’re here at all. 

Just leave. 

In short, right at this moment, they look like strangers. Strangers who know what scares you, what foods you don’t like, your favorite flowers, your favorite color. Strangers who have seen your heart, welcomed it, and who were now crushing it in front of you. 

What a fool you were to think that they could reciprocate your feelings. 

What a fool you were to think that they wanted you as much as you wanted them. 

Your pained chuckle is a discordant sound in the tense quiet. Their stares burn on your skin and though you are trying so hard to now show how utterly broken you feel, you wonder if they even notice. when you look back into the eyes of the boy directly in front of you, he is still so angry and red you find it hard to believe anything but your alleged cold, hard truth:

The seven boys you have fallen in love with utterly despise you. Perhaps they always have. 

“Yeah”, you whisper brokenly. “Maybe I will.” 

taglist: @pinkyhim​, @deolly​, @loveyoongles​, @drunkzseok​, @hope122598​, @uwunamjoon​, @nomimits7​, @bubblebunnylia​, @aquaalanah​, @juliie-ocha, @daydreambrliever​, @btsbabby​, @blank-et-noir, @myheartstaysinkorea, @rosiethefairy​, @tiredjedi, @lovemyself-persona​, @jeoncookie-bts​, @annoyingpessimist​, @beach-bitch-bitch-beach​, @fangirling-all-the-way-tbh, @btstxtgenre​, @taesugaar​, @hxsxxk-180294​, @bubbletae7​, @uglyratlmao​, @hopetookmysoul​, @supertweetycherry​, @missseoulite​, @barbikatherine​, @jamesfrickingbuchananbarnes​, @sunsetsnsirens-blog​, @vanilla-smash​, @lmaosani​, @onionhaseyeo​, @i-dumb-bitch​, @euphxriajoon​, @justpeachyjoon​, @dabbingangels​, @h5naaa​, @parkmaeri, @softescapism​, @bena-baby​, @myjiminmychimchim , @moments-of-melancholy​, @krystle1990​, @chatsgotmytongue​, @vi-hoshi​, @unlikelylittlemiss​, @rosey-roseau, @thestrugglesofateenagedirtbag​, @kookiebbyxx​,

[yoonieboonie]

The Substitute Lover (2)

word count: 1.7k

genre: fluff, angst hehe

pairing: myg x reader

summary: Finally meeting the college boy you've been eyeing on for months, everything goes wrong when you realise what you're really getting yourself into.

a/n: this is part 2!!! i cant figure out how to link the first part properly but if you know how pls slide into my dms and teach me hehe you can find part 1 at my tumblr profile. thank you for the love on the first chapter!!! 🥺 i'll do my best!!! NEXT | PREVIOUS

As soon as you're out of the view, Hoseok immediately swung an arm around Yoongi's shoulder. He was delighted for his friend, afterall, it has been a while since he was in a relationship.

Yoongi took what happened to heart. Namjoon noticed, it didn't take a genius to. He warningly eyed Hoseok who pretended not to see him. The mint haired boy shrugged off the hand and faced them.

"It's your fault, Hoba." He sighed, using the nickname they had for their energetic friend. "She's a senior and isn't around the campus much but news here spread like wildfire. I don't want her to think—" he continued but Hoseok cut him off.

"Think what? Listen, Yoongi. It's over between you two, it has been for a long time. I think it's time you quit moping and start giving yourself a chance to be happy again." This made Yoongi snap his head towards him. Hoseok may be chatty but he always knew not to cross that line. Both him and Namjoon did. What happened was considered taboo and was never spoken about, no matter how long ago it was.

"What did that Y/N feed you? Aren't I your friend here?" He challenged. Hoseok was about to answer when Namjoon intervened. He patted both of the men on the shoulder to kill the tension arising.

"Let's head to rehearsals, please. I don't want to be the receiving end of Mrs. Lee's anger today."

The auditorium was crowded, all students that are part of the recital are scattered around. Since the trio are all helping the backstage crew, they immediately went to their place and settled in.

"Where have you guys been?" Mijin whispered. They all shrugged in return, she wouldn't rat them out. Knowing well that she would do anything to cover up for Yoongi. Though she acts nonchalant about it, she has been crushing on him since their freshmen years.

"Just do your job and don't fuck this up. Please." She pleaded. All the trio did was nod.

-----------------------------------------------

You are now banging your head on the library table, earning looks from the other students who are procrastinating due to the upcoming finals. If the stake wasn't this high, you wouldn't be this stressed about it. You mentally scold yourself for acting so bold that day. For all you know, Yoongi might be a secret genius and that leaves you making a damn fool out of yourself not only in front of Hoseok and Namjoon but the entire campus aswell.

News of your mess spread quickly, the girl who wore thick-glasses and ugly sweaters asking the ace of the Music department out. You try and avoid their stares and focused on your notes. Praying to the heavens that you at least score decent enough if not scoring higher than Yoongi.

At this point, you don't even bother for the date. You just want to do your best. That is until it was time for your Humanities class again. Your hands are clammy as the test paper are handed out. You prepared for the test but somehow, your heart is pounding out of your chest.

You easily navigate through the questions but one left you confused. You try to recall the answer for a good five minutes but eventually gave up. If you don't know it now, you'll probably not know it later. That is until all papers have been passed and it was time to exit the classroom that a lightbulb went off in your head.

"Plato." you whine. The answer was Plato. You rub your fingers to your temple and let out a frustrated groan.

"Y/N!" a voice you recognise to be Hoseok called out. Honestly, you don't want to face them today. You are embarrassed still, and you're sure if looks could kill, you'd be dead at how Yoongi is shooting glares in your direction.

You adjust your backpack and offered a wave.

"Do you already know where you want to go for the date?" Namjoon teased. Hoseok laughed beside him, shoving his hands in his jean pockets.

"Oh," You sigh. "I don't think I'd be able to go on that date."

That made Yoongi look up at you. He should be relieved, he thought. But he was more intrigued as to why you decided against the bet.

"I forgot the answer to Test II, number 5. I left it blank instead, however when I remembered the answer, the papers were already collected." Not that Yoongi cared, but you seemed sad to not be able to go on that date.

"Think positive, Y/N. The deal was to score higher not to have a perfect score." Hoseok encouraged.

"It's okay, what matters was that I tried. I know Yoongi will ace the test. Specially when the stake was a date with me." you shrugged nonchalantly.

You moved towards him and held out a hand. He eyed it skeptically before lifting his arm to shake it.

"Wait! The results are not out yet!" Namjoon whined. If he was initially opposed to this, he no longer was. He was just as invested as Hoseok was. Pushing you to win against Yoongi.

You laughed and took a step back. "Alright then. If I do win, I want to go to Lotte World."

"You haven't been there?" Hoseok asked. You shook your head.

"I came from Daegu. This is my first time in Seoul and I haven't been able to roam around due to our classes. Besides, I don't see the point entirely but if I would go on a date, I would like it to be there."

Yoongi pretended to not pay attention. It made sense that you were not from the metro. The way you dress and your things are certainly not what a typical college student would wear to the campus. To add to that, he now does notice an accent from the way you speak.

"Namjoon!" a voice called over. It was Mijin, if you recall correctly, she was also part of the rehearsals the trio attended. Hoseok introduced the both of you the first time you had lunch with them. Taking that as a cue to leave, you gathered your things and went home.

The week flew by and before you know it, it was time for the exam results. You were dreading to attend class but not wanting to look like a sore loser, you got ready for the day.

Yoongi subconsciously kept track of the days too. Instead of practicing and attending rehearsals, he found himself too caught up with waiting for the results. He tried to convince himself that he just wants to ensure that you two never go on that date but he isn't really sure.

His heart was pounding out of his chest as he lay down his bed. He was one of the few lucky ones who doesn't have a roommate. Hoseok and Namjoon were, on the otherhand. Deciding to take the day off, he doesn't really give a fuck if he wins or loses the bet. With that, he turned and covered his head with a pillow, trying to fall back asleep.

"Pay up." Yoongi groaned as he hears Hoseok's voice inside his dorm. Namjoon chuckled and called out to Yoongi.

"Hey, I put my bet on you! Hoba told me you'd be too chicken to attend class today and I didn't believe him but seeing it for myself," he trailed off. Yoongi blindy threw his pillow at the two boys maniacally laughing to his side.

"Get up and get dressed. We're going to be late." Namjoon ordered.

Yoongi decided to not bother arguing with them. He knows he won't be able to get out of this so might as well get it done and over with.

Walking to class was annoying for Yoongi. With Hoseok waving the money Namjoon paid him with in Yoongi's face and dreading the results of the exam. He was fucking frustrated.

You came into view, trying to insert yourself into the crowd of people. Trying to get a view of the results. You failed, being lanky and small. You huff, to which Yoongi watched in amusement. You were something, he thought.

"Y/N!" Hoseok beamed and Namjoon followed. Yoongi trailed behind.

"Oh, I haven't seen the results. I'm waiting for the crowd to die down." You explained. Hoseok, excited to know the results, held onto you and helped you squeeze into the bodies of students trying to get a glimpse of their grade.

Yoongi's eyes trailed from Hoseok's hand that was holding onto both of your arms from behind. He knew that his friend was just eager to know the results in order to rub it in his face but the contact of skin made him feel as if it's something he shouldn't be seeing. It felt as if his eyes were interrupting something.

You seemed uncomfortable, he noted. Hoseok was one to be physically comfortable around people. With occasional brushes of hands or an arm around shoulders, you can always expect it from him. Yoongi knew this but he was still somehow bothered by it.

"Yoongi." He was snapped out of his daze when you called for him. He saw your tiny figure offer him a hand.

"Congratulations, Yoongi. It was a great bet." You spoke calmly. He wondered what the results were. To confirm, he didn't shake your hands but instead took a look at it for himself.

FINALS RESULT SY 20XX-20XX

1. Kim Namjoon -100/100

2. Min Yoongi and L/N F/N - 99/100

3. --------------

4. --------------

5. --------------

6. --------------

7. Jung Hoseok -89/100

8. --------------

9. --------------

10. --------------

His eyes widened. He realised you congratulated him because technically, you didn't score higher than him. You didn't win.

Hoseok and Namjoon was chatting with you, patting your back as you smiled at them in return. Assuring them that it's okay and you'll go to Lotte World another time.

"Don't worry, Y/N. Hoba and I would bring you to Lotte World soon!" Namjoon beamed.

You laughed in glee and thanked both of them.

You were about to walk away when Yoongi did something he didn't expect.

"Meet me at the campus gate, 9:00am tomorrow. Don't be late."

With that, Yoongi turned and left. Leaving you with your mouth hanging open, Hoseok and Namjoon smiling at you as they try to catch up with their friend. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

NEXT | PREVIOUS

[faterpresources]

Anonymous:

Do you have any advice on how to start an rp blog? I feel like there's so much to do and so many specific things, it looks intimidating, but I really want to get into it (and your blog seems like a safe space to ask as a baby in the matter)

Hi! Thanks you for asking and for trusting. I do admit that rping on tumblr can look daunting and there is a series of things that are considered “etiquette” that might not be obvious for newcomers. And the only way to learn is to ask, right? As I’m not sure if you would like something more specific or a step-by-step, I’m going to go through the whole process.

note: this is a repost from an ask in a more reblog-friendly format

1.       Setting up the blog

You might want to make a new e-mail account for each blog you want. I recommend making a gmail/google account, so you may be able to use other services and associate them with your blog. I’ll go into more details in a minute.

Some people would rather have a personal blog and then making the RP blog as a side-blog. Or a “hub” blog and many side-blogs so they have everything centralized. The downside is that you can’t follow people with side-blogs, only the main – and some rpers are a little suspicious of personal blogs, so if you intend to go this route it might be a good idea to state somewhere in your blog that you have a RP blog.

Tip : It isn’t said too often, but I recommend saving your blog’s e-mail and password somewhere, maybe a flashdrive or even google drive. This way, if something happens you will be able to retrieve your account.

When picking the URL, for a very long time tumblr had problems tagging URLs with a hyphen ( - ). I’m not sure if it has been fixed or if there are still some issues, so I recommend only using letters and maybe numbers. Other than that, pick anything that sounds nice to you!

Themes are nice, but not entirely necessary. Not everybody has photoshop skills and all that. Some people do have commissioned themes, but if you want to try your hand at it my first stop is usually @theme-hunter  or @sheathemes . They reblog many themes from many creators, so there are always many options that might suit your needs.  Some creators offer very newcomer-friendly themes that you can configure a lot of things without much hassle but some might require basic HTML knowledge – a few creators have guides on how to properly set up their themes and are willing to and answer questions, so don’t be afraid to contact them! You can also send me an ask, I’m not a specialist but I can certainly help walk you through the basics.

Tip: @glenthemes have very good themes and a basic installation guide here.

When fiddling with the options, try to pick colors that have nice contrast and are easy to read. If you are bad at picking colors or have problems in finding the code for them, I recommend trying this link. There is also this one that auto-generate palettes.

Tip : If you mess with your theme, remember there is the Theme Recovery.

Tip: If you use Chrome or Firefox you can set up different profiles and associate each with a different blog, so you don’t need to log out from any of your accounts.

There are two pages that I recommend having: one is an about your muse. If they are an OC, it is always a good idea to have at least some information out there to make things easier. If they are from a canon source, not everybody is familiar with the material so it might be a good idea to state. For example, if you are going to roleplay as Altria/Arturia, it is a good idea to have a “RP blog for Saber (Altria Pendragon) from FGO/FSN “ somewhere visible. The other page that is a good idea having is a rules/guidelines page. This one can be a little intimidating, but it is usually a way to communicate important things. For example: are you comfortable writing violence? Do you have any personal triggers? There is something you absolutely won’t write? There are things you may figure out along the way and it is absolutely ok to fine-tune this session every now and then. Some people also credit source for their icons and graphics in general in their rule/guideline page.

If you are using the tumblr default themes, when you create a new page you can turn on the option to show a link to the page. If you are using a custom theme, most of the time you will have to link it manually.

Oh, and if you are planning to do a multimuse, it might be a good idea to list which muses you have. The same goes for a hub blog; list the muses and link to the pages.

Icons aren’t necessary but are considered commonplace. You can find some icons I’ve done here but there are plenty of other sources. If you want to do your own icons, keep in mind to don’t make them too big, as a courtesy to your mutuals.

Tip: Anything larger than 300 pixels will be stretched to fit the post. As of today ( 4/29/2021 ) the posts are currently 540 pixels wide. This can be useful as making banners for your blog.

Tumblr allow users to “pin” posts. This mean that they will always visible if you access your blog, even on dash/mobile. You can use this to set up a post with basic links for mobile users or something else. For example, if you are out on vacations and won’t be able to do replies, you can pin a hiatus notice and then remove the pin once you are back.

2.       Introducing yourself

Time to officially join the fun! (insert a “Hi, Zuko here” joke) Don’t worry if you don’t have a fancy promo graphic or anything, most people make their initial introduction with a simple post.

(as you can see, I’m not very good at saying ‘hi’)

Try to introduce yourself in a few lines, but make sure to state which muse you RP as. Some people also like adding their pen name/alias and establishing a brand. Follow as many people as you want that reblogged or liked your post, and tumblr is going to start recommending other blogs that are related to the tags you use normally or have any relation to the people you follow. You can put as many tags as you want, but tumblr will disregard more than 6 tags in their system. Try tags like “<fandom> rp” and “<fandom> roleplay” along with the media, such as “movie” “video game”, “anime” and so on.

It might also be a good idea to follow a few RP memes blogs. They often have options to break the ice, like one-liners that your mutual can send you.

Tip: Don’t forget to turn on the asks and the anon

3.       Practical advice

Alright, now that you have a few mutuals, it is time to get to some general tips:

Tumblr can be a little “iffy”, and a great quality of life extension for RPers and navigation in general is installing the New Xkit extension. They offer a number of options to enhance your tumblr experience, but the ones I consider essential are the “editable reblogs”, “quick tags” and “blacklist”. Get it for Chrome or Firefox.

As a rule of thumb I recommend writing your RPs using Google Docs before posting or replying. By doing this you can do some spell check and if your browser crashes for any reason you can easily recover your work. You can also use Word, Open Office, or any text editor you feel like.

Because I’m a bit of a perfectionist, I also have Grammarly ( Chrome / Firefox ) installed for an extra layer of spell/grammar check. There is a subscription option, but the free one works perfectly fine.

To make things easier to locate, always tag the URL of your RP partner when doing a reply. There are other useful things you can tag, such as open starters, memes, and such.

Risking being obvious here, but when you are not interacting as your character it might be a good idea to tag as “ooc” or “out of character”.

Some people like making google docs with basic info and other useful stuff for easier access on mobile. It is a recent trend, it might be easier to edit as opposed to going through tumblr page editor and dealing with the HTML.  You can find some templates here and here.

Tumblr’s activity can be unreliable, so don’t be afraid of contacting your partner to see if they have gotten your reply after a few weeks. However, some people also enjoy using the RP Thread Tracker in order to be on top of things. It might be a good idea to check it out.

Because of Tumblr shadowbanning and shenanigans, it isn’t unusual for people to have NSFW sideblogs (sometimes referred as ‘sin blogs’). If you want to write smut, it might be a good idea to consider making one.

Some people don’t like replying to asks, as Tumblr won’t let you remove the initial ask. It has become common to see people making new posts to reply to asks.  This is a simple example:

As you can see, I used the mention to have the RP partner notified then I copied and pasted their question on my post and used the quote to indicate it. You can also have fancy graphics, like a line to separate the contents, just do whatever you feel like with the formatting or keep it simple.

To make sure your partner got the answer, I recommend copying the link to the post and pasting on the ask and then replying it privately.  An example sent to my rp blog:

4.       Basic Etiquette

Ok, this is a little subjective most of the time but here are a few things that are considered universal courtesy.

Never reblog someone else’s headcanons. If you enjoy it, maybe it should politely contact the author and ask if it is ok to write something based on their original idea but you should never downright copy or lift something from another creator. It is considered rude, or even theft in some cases.

Don’t reblog threads you are not involved with. It is ok to leave a like, but never reblog. This is because Tumblr can mess up the notifications and disrupt the flow of the RP.

Don’t copy other people’s graphics. It is very rude and sometimes they commission (aka: paid) for it.

Trim your posts. What does that mean? Every time you reblog with a reply, the post tends to get longer and longer, and it can cluster your and your mutuals’ dashes. This is why the New X-Kit’s “editable reblogs” is an almost must-have tool. If for some reason you can’t install X-Kit (if you are on mobile for example), then remove the previous post or ask your partner to trim for you.

Never take control of your RP partner’s muse. This is called “godmodding” and it is heavily frowned upon. It is ok to control your muse and the possible NPCs that you inserted, but never seize someone else’s character. Likewise, it can also be very upsetting if you use what people call “meta-gaming”, applying knowledge that your muse shouldn’t know about the other. For example, let’s say your RP partner’s muse is a vampire, but they have never disclosed that information to your muse, who also doesn’t have an excuse to know that (for example, being a vampire hunter) so it can be quite jarring sometimes. When in doubt, contact your partner.

This should go without saying, but RPing sexual themes with users under the age of 18 are illegal. It doesn’t matter if the age of consent in your location is lower, once you join Tumblr you are abiding by their user guidelines and the law of the state they are located in. If you are an adult, don’t engage minors with these topics, maybe a fade to black would be a better option. If you are a minor, don’t insist or you might cause a lot of legal problems for others.

Try to tag anything triggering. Violence, gore, NSFW. Both Tumblr and the New Xkit have options to block keywords.

When picking PSDs or graphics for your blog, you should avoid templates that change the color of the skin of POCs muses and try to pick the right race/ethnicity of the muse you are going to RP as. I won’t go through a lot of details, as it is a rather lengthy subject in an already lengthy conversation but keep this in the back of your mind.

Some RPers don’t like when you reblog memes from them without sending anything. Try to always reblog from a source or to interact with the person you are reblogging from, it can be rather disheartening to be seen as a meme source rather than a RP blog. This isn’t a rule and some people don’t mind, but it is always a good idea to try to do this.

This might be more of a pet peeve of mine than proper etiquette, but it is ok to use small font. What is not ok is use small font + underscript. Some people have disabilities that might make it harder for them to read it, so it might be a good idea to refrain from using it. Maybe if you feel like doing something fancier every now and then, but I wouldn’t recommend making this a habit.

Mun and Muse are different entities. Remember that it isn’t because a muse does something (especially a villain one) that the mun condones something. Never assume anything about the mun, when in doubt talk to them.

Be mindful of your partners and treat them the way you would like to be treated.

As a rule of thumb, always talk to your RP partner. It is only fun as long both of you are enjoying it.

5.       Closing Words

This got longer than I expected.

Despite all of that, don’t be too worried about not being very good at first. I assure you that you will get better with time, so don’t be afraid of experimenting as long you feel comfortable. And don’t be afraid of saying “no” if something bothers you.

My inbox is always open to questions and ideas, so feel free to contact me anytime!

I would also ask my followers: there is advice I missed/overlooked? Anything you would like someone have told you when you first started? Add your thoughts so I can update this.

Happy RPing!

[cash-app-server]

Complete Guide - To Fix Cash App Add Cash/Transfer Failed Issue

Cash App is free to use digital payment app that allows users to send or receive money online. There are over a million Cash App in the United States; therefore, many users complain about Cash App transactions failed. You can easily add money to the Cash App account and with different methods. You add money to Cash App by receiving it from friends and linking a bank account or credit card. You can also load the Cash App card. However, many times the Cash App transfer failed.

In this challenging world, a ton of money transfer apps are available that helps you to receive or transfer payments. However, the cash app is among one of them. This gateway is regarded as one of the best money transfer apps that interprets you to transfer money securely. It is a platform specifically designed for both sender and receiver. It is considered to be the best mobile-based money transfer app which is More unchallenging than other payment transfer apps.

Cash app is available on both iPhone and Android devices. It has biometrics and 2-factor authentication to make sure no fraudulent activities take place on the app. Whenever you get to indulge with any kind of Cash app-related issue, you can always approach the professionals who are there to assist you.

What are the Reasons behind your Cash App Transfer Failed:

If your Cash App add cash failed, then are different reasons behind this issue. Most of the time, you can resolve this issue by following some troubleshooting steps. You should never panic if any payment failed on Cash App; you need to find out the errors behind this and then try to fix it.

It’s now easy to solve these problems in minutes by following the best tips out there. You don’t need to tense if your Cash App cash out failed. There are tons of reasons behind the failed payment of the Cash application.

1. Cash app update

If you are facing a problem with the Cash app and your payment seems to fail in the Cash app, you should first check the update of your cash. i.e., whether your cash app is up to date or not. If not, update the application to the latest version to make the transaction successful without any difficulty.

2. Make sure your network is strong

Sometimes people face the problem of crashing cash apps. However, they never try to figure out why. Simultaneously, Many times the Cash app failed transfer. Do you know the reason why? Because the device used for the transaction was not connected to a strong internet connection.

However, it is very important to Make sure your network is strong. This perpetually helps to avoid the cash app payment failure problem. It is highly recommended to connect your device to a strong Wi-Fi connection to fix this cash app Transaction failed issue.

3. Insert the right details

Inserting inappropriate or wrong details might be the reason of cash out failed. To avoid this issue, make sure to verify the payment credentials you entered for the cash app transfer. However, You are required to reconfirm the payment details and try again for the successful cash app transfer.

4. Inspect your balance

Inspect your balance first Before suffering from the Cash App add cash transfer failed issue. If your balance is not deducted from your Cash App account, make sure to Inspect your balance accordingly.

5. Review the payment

After making your transaction in the Cash app, please verify your bank account properly. If the payment was deducted from your bank, you are required to contact Cash app support representatives immediately.

6. Remove the Cash App

If your cash app transfer failed, the Cash App gives you the chance to Remove the Cash App or cancel that payment. So it is important to immediately cancel or remove the failed payment immediately to avoid any unnecessary charges.

7. Elevate Cash App conflicts

It is necessary to Elevate Cash App conflicts on Cash App. Firstly you need to request an immediate refund from Cash App. However, if you get it immediately you must Elevate Cash App conflicts and fix the transfer failed issue.

These are the possible reasons for the payment failure in the Cash app. However, if users find any further difficulty, they can contact customer support for further assistance. It is quite easy to fix transaction errors in the cash app, and users can easily troubleshoot errors.

How to fix this Cash App Transfer failure?

Most of the time, you can solve these problems yourself by following the troubleshooting tips found here. If your Cash App add cash transfer failed, you need not panic. These are some of the reasons which may be behind the failed payment of the Cash app.

1. Cash app update:

If you are having trouble transferring to Cash App and your payment in Cash App has failed, then you should first check if your Cash App is updated on your mobile. If not, update the application to the latest version to make payments without problems.

2. Check your internet connection:

Sometimes people ask “why does my cash app crash” but never try to find out why. Many times the cash app transfer failed because the device used for the transaction was not connected to a strong Internet connection.

Therefore, it is very important to check that you are connected to a very strong internet connection to avoid the problem of cash app payment failure. It is recommended to connect your device with a strong Wi-Fi connection to fix a cash app transfer failed transaction issue.

3. Enter correct details:

People keep asking “Why are Cash App payments failing?” But they do not verify the payment credentials entered for cash app transfers. If you turn red the card number entered on the Cash App Transfer page, it stands to reason that you must have entered the wrong payee payment details. You need to retrieve the payment details and try again for the cash app transfer.

4. Check your balance:

Please check your Cash App account balance before concluding that your Cash app has failed. If your amount has not been deducted from your Cash App account, please check if you have a bank account cash app balance.

5. Cancel payment:

Once you have made your transaction in the Cash app, please verify your bank account. If the payment was deducted from your bank but is not visible in your Cash App account, you should immediately contact Cash App Support to avoid withholding the payment. You should ask the cash app live agent “Why is my cash app transfer failing?” And hopefully, your problem will be solved.

Frequently asked questions - Cash app add cash transfer failed

1. Why does it say transfer failed when I try to add cash to the Cash App?

If you are having trouble making any transfer on Cash App and your payment failed on Cash App then you need to first check if your Cash App is updated on your mobile or not. If not, then update the app to the latest version to make payments smoothly.

2. How do I fix transfer failure on the Cash App?

To fix the Cash App transaction failed issue, you must identify the problem. Weak internet or Wi-Fi signals are among the most common problems that lead to payment failure issues on Cash App. Entering wrong details like incorrect card number, expiry date, and CVV always prevents the user from making a successful payment.

3. What happens when cash app payment failed?

Payment Canceled. If a potentially fraudulent payment occurs, we cancel it to prevent you from being charged. When this happens, your funds will instantly be returned to your Cash App balance or linked bank account. If not, they should be available within 1–3 business days, depending on your bank.

4. Why does my cash APP keep failing?

Many times the Cash app keeps saying transfer failed because the device used for the transaction was not connected to a strong internet connection. Therefore, it is very important to check that you are connected to a very strong internet connection to avoid cash app payment failure problems.

5. Why Cash App Won’t Let me Add Cash?

If your payments fail on Cash App then there might be a possibility that the Cash App server may be down. It can also be due to an unsupported debit or credit card used to add cash on Cash App. you should not worry if your amount is not deducted from your account. However, if your bank account is debited but the amount is not shown in your Cash App account then please contact Cash App customer support immediately to resolve your issue.

7. My payment has failed but I can see pending charges in my account. What to do?

If the cash app transfer has not been completed and the transfer failed, you can get your money by canceling the pending transaction.

To cancel a pending transaction

Go to the clock icon at the right bottom of your cash app screen.

Inactivity tab tap on the transaction you want to cancel.

Tap on the three dots”…” when the pop-up opens.

Select “cancel a payment” and the “ok” to cancel the payment.

8. Why does this problem of cash app transfer fail to happen on my account?

What to say. Transfer fails on the cash app may happen due to multiple reasons. If you keep track of your money and understand where the transfer failed happens and for what reasons, you can recover your money easily. 

9. Why Cash App Failed for My Protection?

Cash App may fail your transaction to protect you from any fraud. Cash App monitors your account and if any suspicious activity takes place, it fails the transaction for your protection. This happens to save you from any scam and lose your money.

10. What To Do If The Cash App Says This Transfer Failed?

If your cash app says this transfer failed first you have to identify the cause why the transfer failed. If it is from your bankside contact your bank otherwise contact Cash app support. You can raise the issue in the cash app’s social media community.

[danddymaro]

Johnny Storm x Reader x Steve Rogers

Part 1: The Boyfriend

Word count: 1861 

Seriously, I’d been wanting to do this for a long time. He played them both well, and I thought it’d be pretty fun. I mean I  like messy triangles.(for my sake they won’t be too long of parts, maybe just 4 in total.)

And yes, yes, I have other shit not continued, but I honestly plan on doing it... 

Its just work... and so much more Shit I have going on. I’m so worried about disappointing people, here and in Real life.

(｡ŏ﹏ŏ)

Oh well...

Everything is the same with reader inserts.

Italics are Flashbacks = Example

Italics with quotations are thoughts = ‘Example’

................................................................

She’d only agreed to have him visit because she assumed no one would be home.

She wanted to avoid questions at all costs, not until she was certain,

‘ Great, ‘ She thought to herself , knowing how it seemed to have some guy over while everyone was out...

She wasn’t ashamed of him, just unsure of what to tell everyone, especially the man before her,

“Hey Steve...” she said dumbly, nervously taking a soft chew of her inner cheek.

“Hey...(f/n) ,” he said awkwardly, “ (f/n) , and...” trailing off giving the two other people an opportunity to introduce the new person,

“Oh... Johnny,” (f/n) started, sounding less than enthusiastic to continue on with an introduction, stiffly standing in between the two men, “Steve, this is Johnny,” she said lowly, stepping aside to let Steve get a good view of the younger male who waved amiably . 

“ And Johnny, This is Steve.” She said smiling crookedly, holding out her hand over to the elder male in order to present the first Avenger. 

With a glorious grin, the hot-headed male looked over at the other man, eyebrows raising up high as he got a close-up look of him. “Wow, you’re really jacked up,” he commented. “Way bigger than I imagined,”  he added, holding out his right hand out towards Steve in order to properly shake. 

“Johnny Storm,” he said introducing himself, “ It really is a pleasure to meet THE captain America,” he added with the same widespread smile, linking his hand to the other male with a hearty shake as Steve extended his own arm to him.

“Johnny Storm? “ Steve repeated uncertain, but with a nod to indicate the name had stuck. 

During the interaction he strayed his eyes to  (f/n), giving her a brief look of the same uncertainty and question. 

 And sure enough, she could tell just what he wanted to ask,

“Oh, well...Johnny...He’s... “ She started off uneasily. 

‘What exactly is he?’ she asked herself. 

‘I could say he’s a friend... but .. he’s not really a friend,’ she thought to herself.

‘We have hung out a lot lately ... but he’s not my boyfriend either,’ she also went on. ‘I think we’ve well established nothing’s really there,’ she went on.

 For just a fraction of a millisecond her (e/c) colored eyes drifted off to Storm, a purse to her lips taking form, ‘Correction, I’VE well established it, and he’s being the same idiot as always,’ She thought with exasperation.

They'd been introduced with the intention of ending up as a couple, but from the young woman’s standpoint it wasn’t a match. 

Johnny was handsome, as well funny, being overall a charming guy when you look past his ego. He wasn’t a bad guy, but she had already set her eyes on someone else, which just so happened to be the man standing before her, waiting for an answer,

‘This is all so confusing,’ She told herself. ‘Messy and confusing,’

Admittedly, she had grown attached to Johnny, and was intent on continuing to see him, but only as a buddy. 

‘Only as a friend,’ she reminded herself, having to do so far too often.

“ I’m willing to accept it,” Johnny said nodding, “for now,” he added, making her drop her shoulders, because he had assured her there was something there. 

Because he was convinced otherwise,

“You’re just hung up on someone else,” he pointed out, surprising her with the statement. 

Because she hadn’t told him, not even mentioned a name...

“It’s pretty obvious, “ he replied, shrugging with a soft sigh, “ Otherwise you'd see how prefect we are for each other,” He added, managing to hit her with doubt.

For a moment she bit her lip, thinking that perhaps that was the problem, Maybe she was to distracted with Steve to actually give Johnny a try.

‘Between these two...’ She started, ‘ I’m really staring to have doubt,’ She told herself, taking back her earlier musing, because she hadn’t really made it clear to Johnny. 

She didn’t downright reject him, and had in actuality given him a maybe. 

Her fickle behavior was partial to blame...

“ Judging by you’re expression i’m guessing your thinking about it right?” he asked her, sounding just a smidge too smug. 

“So who is it?” he asked her, leaning onto the table with open ears, waiting in expectancy.

“Why do you want to know?” she asked him, turning from him, looking elsewhere, feeling her face heat.

Leaning back onto his chair he chuckled, tipping his head back just a bit as he laughed, “ I want to know what guy is trying to steal my girl,” he said while grinning.

He’s never serious, and she’s never certain,

“He's my...” 

‘My what?’ She asked herself again, feeling butterflies as the two men gazed at her.

It was then that the younger male interjected, 

“Boyfriend,” Johnny answered for her, cutting her off immediately with that single word, making her snap her eyes over to him instead, peeled so wide open that they could very well simply pop out of their sockets. 

‘Boyfriend...He’s my boyfriend?’ (f/n) thought swallowing down hard.

‘He says...

He thinks...

He’s my boyfriend,?’

While she did feel anxious and annoyed... she also felt tickled pink.

‘Only a friend.’ (f/n) argued with herself. ‘I see him as only a friend,’

“Boyfriend?” Steve repeated, his grip instantly tightening onto the other man’s hand, but as he realized what he did, he released his hold entirely, letting his arm fall back in place. 

“You two are dating?” he asked them both, but more specifically focused on (f/n), wanting to hear it from her. 

But again the other man spoke, this time putting his arm around her, bringing her close to him with a strong snuggle. He gave her a kiss over the crown of her head, the sound of his lips smacking together coming out exaggerated as he did so, “She’s so cute,” Johnny said amused, “ You know I just love seeing you blush like that,” he added, in a low tone, his hot, minty smelling breath touching her ear, worsening her flushed face and making it grow darker with rouge.

involuntarily she shuttered, feeling him so close, having his arm wrapped around her and his lips almost on her skin.

“Anyways,” Johnny started, placing his attention back to Steve, “ We’ve been seeing each other for a couple of weeks now, “ he added, “Right babe?” he said addressing (f/n), staring down at her with his pretty blue eyes. 

Panicking she gave a weary chuckle, “ O-Oh yeah! We had met a while back... “ She answered back, which hadn’t been a lie. She had met him about three months ago, being introduced by Stark himself. 

“ Yeah...we've been dating for a couple of weeks now,” she informed Steve, which of course was a big fat lie.

“ what would it be?  like about three... No...Four weeks ?”  Johnny asked her, questioning her and putting her more on the spot. She began to gnaw at the tip of her tongue, “ oh...” she said softly, “ Three...  I would say three,” she chatted, adding more to their lie.

‘Why am i doing this?’ She asked herself, mentally kicking herself.

“ That's quite a while now...” Steve commented rather blankley. “ yeah,” Johnny answered back “ it is isn't it ?” he said with a chuckle, “ but you know when you're with the right person...well time just flies by, right babe?”  he asked (f/n). 

“ Yeah, “ she breathed, looking right at Steve.

‘The right person...’

 Catching herself gazing too long she shook her head, batting her eyes, trying to force herself from eyeing him for too long.“ I'm sorry Steve,  we kind of have to go,” she said softly, giving him an apologetic smile.

She hastily grabbed the other man's hand within hers and pulled him along behind her,  briskly walking and leaving Rogers alone.

 “ Have fun...” he muttered non-enthusiastically,  his lips pressing together tightly, not even able to form a  false smile. His right hand lifted up in a  lifeless manner, not even having the will to wave at them.

.....................................................

Once in the closed elevator (f/n) pushed Storm back, her face completely overtaken by the color red as she glared at him, “ what the hell is wrong with you ?!” she exclaimed. “ We are not dating!”  she said to him,  her voice rising just a bit into a squeaky tone with how completely taken back by his claim she was.

“Relax, Relax,” he coaxed her putting up both his hands in defense as he tried to calm her.   

He then placed them on her shoulders, almost crushing them in his hold, bringing her close. “ come on babe, calm down!” he told her, making her stare at him like as if he had gone completely insane.

“babe..” she muttered.

Normally she’d brush off the little endearment , but in her current shame filled rage she shook at it,

“ you can't be serious!” she said in disbelief, “ you don't think we're actually dating right?!” she questioned him.

‘DO you even know if your dating?’ Her inner voice argued back in a sassy fashion, causing the woman’s teeth to tighten.

 “Well then why did you go along?” He asked her cheekily. “ Maybe perhaps you actually do like me, right?” he said coming down towards her, nearing her in a dangerously close manner, his nose grazing hers. 

He could see all the little specs in her eyes with his proximity and continuing on playfully he smiled at her, his hands landing on the side of her cheeks, ignoring the wild flame in her eyes.

 The part of him that loved playing with fire was drawn to the dangerous gleam, wanting to melt along with her.

And for just a moment her breath hitched, her lips trembling as she slipped into a lightly drunken state,

‘He’s so stupid...’ She told herself, ‘He’s so annoying...’ 

“But so sexy...” she muttered, unknowingly leaning into him more, just a hairline from smashing lips, 

“See,” he muttered, “ I told you you wanted me,” he said while giving her a quick , rushed peck.

Falling back from her high, her right hand swung, whipping above him and missing as he ducked. “ Chill! Chill!” he said continuing to laugh, being quick to grab both her wrists. 

“Why are you so stubborn?”he asked her, quick to pin her against the wall. 

He could easily melt her, knowing he had his effect on her. Well aware of the attraction they had for one another, it bothered him moreso to know what stopped them was one person,

‘Just one person,’ He thought to himself, knowing that if she would have laid eyes on him instead, she wouldn't have had the will to fall in love with anyone else.

‘I would have never wasted time,’ He added, biting his lower lip as he resisted the urge to dive down again and get an actual kiss.

‘But we’re just friends right?’ He silently asked her, 

‘ That’s what you say...

That’s what you want to feel too...’

Sighing , he released her, 

‘That’s why I have to go along with it and pretend...

If it will keep me close to you I can pretend,’

[justlightthefirstspark]

Utd vs Reading 02/02/2020

Or, as @danieljamesmufc so eloquently put it, ‘The Battle of The Baes’ (Baes in question obviously being Amy Turner and Angharad James)

Anywho, there isn’t much of a ~detailed~ analysis like other pieces have had. A lot of the plays (and therefore, issues) are the same every game, and I don’t wanna keep repeating myself by making the same points week in and week out. Also, this game was kinda scrappy and not much really happened - until the end but we will get there in due time. I have a LOT of thoughts about the end of this game.

Few small changes in the XI - due to McManus picking up an injury vs Chelsea, Amy came back in at CB which was just

And then I saw Harris at RB 😐 I think I’ve made my feelings about that very clear, and I don’t wanna start hating on Martha for the sake of it, but Smith is the better of the two imo. And I just can’t see why Casey keeps insisting on playing TWO natural RB’s when she has a natural LB sitting on the bench ALL THE TIME, collecting splinters in her arsecheeks. It’s annoying, and I’m kinda sick of it.

Lizzie Arnot dropped out of the XI, in favour of Jane Ross for this one, and everything else was pretty much the same as Wednesday night.

Also, and I would really appreciate some help/info/whatever you’ve all got for this, but I was under the impression that Amy couldn’t (or at least, wasn’t really supposed to) play 3 games in one week? I’m like 90% sure that Casey benched her a few times in the second half of last season for this exact reason? Apparently that’s down to the knee injury she had a few years ago, but I would appreciate some clarification on this if anyone has anything 🧐

Also (I’m being annoying now, sorry) but this commentator was... bad. Mispronuncing players names (who is Jackie Groinen?), not even bothering to try and pronounce others (here’s looking at you, Angharad James), misidentifying players, just not really knowing what was happening a solid 83% of the time... idk who she is but she needs to not commentate on a United game again, I can’t listen to her. Girl had some, interesting, opinions too, and I’m quoting her directly now, “United will think that they’re due a defeat” 🧐 I’m not entirely sure how, or why, that would be the case, but apparently both United and Reading have alternating W/L runs in the league and today was Reading’s turn to win? I was confused. I still kinda am. And I didn’t like it.

First half:

The first 10 mins of this were pretty boring tbh. There was an awful lot of back and forth, misplaced passes, interceptions and the like. I think United were just on top in the opening few minutes, judging by the amount of time they spent in Reading’s half, and their possession.

‘8 - Corner and a free kick for United in quick succession. Nothing came from either (surprise surprise), but there was a lovely bit of ball control in the box from Ross after the FK. Just couldn’t get it to Sigsworth (who probably would have scored but we don’t need to talk about it)

‘13 - Another potential Ross/Sigsworth link up in the box but Ross just swept it straight into the legs of a Reading player, instead of passing to Jess on her left 🤷🏽‍♀️ I thought she was okay today, so I won’t give her too much grief for that mistake

‘16 - decent chance for Sigsworth, ended up launching it straight at *insert Reading player here.* Foreal, I have no idea who it was. Sorry. Groenen and Zelem both had decent opportunities following this, but nothing came of either of those

‘17 - Another corner for Utd, wasn’t a great delivery to be honest. Was played out and worked back in, LJ managed to get a shot off but sent it behind with a deflection so yet more corners followed. With nothing coming from any of them - this is starting to be a problem. We never challenge from set pieces, and I’m genuinely starting to wonder why that is? Does someone else need to take them? Or what?

There was *a lot* of midfield action around this time, more back and forth, a few fouls, and free kicks. None of this was noteworthy, hence the lack of notes.

‘21 - Amy stop backpassing challenge. I gave Abbie SO much shit for this vs City and Chelsea (as well as vs Spurs, oops), so I guess it’s Amy’s turn now. Sidenote: I think ‘Turner & Turner’ is my fave chant, the original at least. No disrespect to Abbie but seeing Turner x2 at CB on the teamsheet has me like

‘28 - Earps’ clearnances need work. Like, a lot of work. I think I’ve mentioned this before, but I’m never fully convinced by the ball that leaves her feet, and I don’t think she is either which is an issue 😬

‘29 - GOAL - United. I was literally just making a note on how boring I was finding this game - my highlight by the 28 minute mark was Amy lashing her boot into Tash Harding’s face. Lol. - when Lauren James appears literally out of nowhere and lashes one home. A gorgeous strike, cutting in from the left. This kid is lethal.

‘38 - Today I learned that we really only have one fast defender - Millie. Martha somehow outpaced Amy back with Reading on the break and I think my jaw hit the floor.

‘41 - United have the ball in the back of the net again. Amy got under a well struck free from Zelem and fired it home, but somehow was ruled offside. Clearly this ref and I have very, very different opinions about what the offisde rule actually constitutes, cause she was very much clearly onside.

Idk if you can see properly in those pics, but no one is offside in any of them. You can see in this video too, that Amy is in fact, NOT offside. I’m not having that one, it should have stood. https://twitter.com/48hours8/status/1223984745413038081?s=21

I just. I’m highkey so annoyed. And I’m definitely dragging this out but like

Moving on. That concluded a pretty uneventful half, aside from the goal and the offside that wasn’t actually offside.

Halftime:

Reading made a pretty interesting change at the half, subbing Haz off for LMKU. Maybe LMKU offers more of a threat going forward, but I thought Haz was pretty solid in the first half? She was certainly a lot better today than she was in the reverse fixture - she was shredded by Galton on every single run but I didn’t see her do anything like that this time? Anyway. (Also I’m lowkey sad Amy never got to slide tackle her into the middle of next week)

Second half:

‘47 - Quality build up work down the left and a gorgeous ball into the box from LJ, I fortune my it just brushed past Sigsworth and Ross in the 6 yard box/penalty area. So close to a second for United.

‘51 - a pretty poor free kick from Zelem, and a pretty poor decision and back pass from James. Sometimes I wonder if people on this team think about what they’re doing before they do it 🤗

‘53 - decent chance for Reading, which ultimately comes off the back post. United very lucky to get away with that one.

‘59 - Harris was very far forward there for a time. Like in the opposition box forward. Hello, anxiety. Also Amy nearly body checked someone around the same time and I was truly living my best life.

‘61 - Zel with a decent free kick, just couldn’t get the dip it needed to hit the back of the net

‘62 - another good strike from LJ, unfortunately just straight at the keeper.

‘63 - Penalty - Reading. Yellow for Amy for pushing Utland (I didn’t catch who it actually was, but according to Reading’s twitter it was LMKU) and conceding the pen.

‘64 - MARY EARPS SAFE HANDS LET’S GOOOO 🗣👏🏽🔥 What a save, my god. I was sure that was going in, but I’ve never been happier to be proven wrong in my life.

‘75 - another great chance for LJ - a lovely strike, think it could have done with a little bit of a chip, and then surely it was going in. Good work from Jess and Jackie in the build up too

‘76 - ‘82. This is where shit got crazy. And I really have no words for what I saw during this 6 minutes. Well, I do have words - I have a lot of them - but most of them aren’t suitable for this platform so I’ll just keep those ones to myself. Never in all my life have I seen such incompetent refereeing. A free kick awarded to Reading on the edge of the box, due to a ‘handball’ (that didn’t happen) by Lauren James, is cleared and HEADED away by Katie Zelem. The ref then proceeds to book Zelem for handball which, unless she suddenly has a third arm growing out of her FACE (I can confirm - she does not), makes absolutely zero sense, and awards Reading another penalty.

Jess also managed to get herself booked for questioning the ref’s decision and defending Katie sjsjsj, and not a single Reading player made a claim for that penalty. Surely, if she had handled the ball, every Reading player in the box would have appealed for it? You can clearly see the ball hit her head in the video linked below, but apparently the arm bone is now connected to the face bone, at least according to this ref anyway. 🙄

https://twitter.com/48hours8/status/1223996019022626821?s=21

I have no more thoughts on whatever happened after that because I had to turn it off before they scored that penalty, otherwise I would have drop kicked my laptop out my window. For what it’s worth, I did think Martha had a decent game today. I still want Smith at RB and Lotta at LB while Amy’s at CB though. You can’t make me change my mind 🤗

This is the third time this week alone that United have been robbed by poor referees, and apparently the ref of the City/Arsenal game today wasn’t much better. I didn’t see that game so I can’t really comment, but I don’t doubt those claims. The standard and quality of refereeing I’ve seen over the past 2 seasons since my introduction to women’s football has been appalling. And it’s not fair, I think this tweet pretty much sums it up.

The FA has pretty much demanded that every team/club in the WSL be full time, it’s about time that they demand the same qualifications and high quality from their officials, because this just isn’t good enough. And not just from the standpoint of a United fan, and in the context of today’s result, but league wide. It’s just not good enough. I’m completley here for literally everybody calling this shambles out for what it is, and the United girls being salty af on the tl.

Sorry that is this kinda long and ranty, but I’m in my feelings about this ref. ✌🏽

[freevoidman]

Okay I’m reading through Porg’s update so some of y’all can save your braincells and here are some great highlights (under a readmore bc i couldn’t help but tear into a few things she suggested):

Flat out ignoring that Vergil had changed by the end of the game as a result of V and Urizen’s separate experiences.

In trying to make V and Urizen their own character, she throws out the idea of Vergil being manipulated by the Qliphoth/Urizen (??? somehow??? even though the tree is implied to be non-sentient i believe???), with V being a Devil hunter looking through the remains of Mallet Island (which was completely blown up, turned to rubble, and then swallowed by the sea, so... that can’t happen), finding the cane which makes him youthful and not sick but... having the cane makes it so he can only kill demons through the cane??? for some reason??? And he needs the Qliphoth fruit to heal himself and free him from the curse???

How did she make V’s backstory even more confusing and complicated how the fuck did she do that

Almost immediately after bringing up the cane, she instead changes it to be one of the rings he’s wearing because she wants her “precious V” to use weapons other than the cane, which makes all the prior paragraphs about the cane’s curse and only using it pointless. She’s the one writing this fic, why can’t she edit her own work so it’s more cohesive?

Despite saying that V should be a Devil Hunter, she doesn’t explain why someone who is supposed to be killing demons would form a pact with at least three to fight demons. Her rewrite dismisses Visions of V, and she even states later that the manga is a waste of time as it won’t ever be translated into English (which 1) is not a limiting factor to reading it as many people have translated it already and 2) doesn’t dismiss it’s value at building up V’s character, who she supposedly likes the best).

Also, for someone who complains about DMC5 being a rehash of DMC3, she’s sure doing her best to change it to a rehash of DMC1 (Vergil being controlled by an outside force, bringing back Mallet Island, bringing back Mundus [the cane is supposed to be tied to Mundus]).

V apparently can’t be human because she wants to give him a devil trigger, despite having 3 familiars and his own strength. Okay I guess?

Also it’s really fucking sick how she describes V changing, because it’s apparently V fusing with Nightmare? Devil May Cry has never been one for body horror but she straight up says she was inspired by “The Thing (1982), The Fly (1986), Bloodborne, and Resident Evil 7″ for the transformation imagery and I wanted to nope the fuck out of there real quick.

Her segments of actual fiction writing and dialogue are really bad it’s almost like a parody Youtube skit.

She switches between prose and script writing randomly, it’s really odd. She does it primarily with Dante i’ve noticed? Here’s an example I wrote of what she does:

“Hey, don’t stress out about it will you?” Says John following a few steps behind VINCENT: Don’t get your panties in a twist

And that just happens... randomly? Like, there’s no indication why she’s doing that it just happens.

She straight up writes notes in her fic about the controls for character actions in-game what the hell--

She also shamelessly puts in a link to artwork that clearly isn’t her’s (and I highly doubt she got permission to post about) to try and show what V’s Devil Trigger would look like. I couldn’t find it because I don’t know how pixiv works, but that’s just a shitty move, especially with how she treats artists on tumblr when they draw art of Vergil.

EDIT: Porg has now straight up copy-pasted the art into her fic without the artist’s permission which is, we all know, fucking theft. While it is good artistry, is just a weird mashup of Vergil’s and Dante’s. It’s not all that unique and I don’t understand why she had to reference a bunch of body horror shit when all the Devil Triggers in game are essentially just a large flash of light and a seamless transition between forms??? It’s good art, I’m not trying to bash the artist, but... Porg, you could’ve been a little more original here rather than just ripping off another artist’s designs...

Everyone in her fic acts super casually to seeing Vergil alive in the Qliphoth and it’s like... honey, no.

Vergil acts WILDLY out of character holy fuck. Like, I know I should have expected that but this is NOT how Vergil would act in the slightest. She’s pretty much writing an OC.

Building off of this: EVERYONE acts OOC and... it’s not exactly cringey, but it is perfect proof that Porg doesn’t know what she’s doing and hasn’t properly analyzed the characters.

Dante acts weirdly... detached? There’s no sign of him acting like his normal goofball-y self, and he’s much more serious than normal. He actually acts more like cannon Vergil than himself, actually. (He also knows CPR apparently? Which... is a skill he would really never bother learning, so...)

Nero doesn’t act nearly as emotional, and acts calmly for some reason. You can’t feel any of his emotions behind his dialogue, only through the adverbs added to the tags)

V is too informative. He knows way too much about random shit that... no one should rightfully know. I’ll mention it more later, but... V doesn’t act like himself and I don’t really know how to explain it.

Vergil is essentially her OC. Seriously--he’s not as brooding or snarky, he’s far too open and apologetic, there’s practically no sense of rivalry between him and Dante. Weirdly, he acts more like canon V than fic!V does, despite the fact that Porg wants to establish V and Vergil and separate characters. His actions also make no sense when put alongside his canon personality. We aren’t reading anything about Vergil, we’re reading about Porg’s weirdly idealized version of him.

I’m going to make a break in the post here because I feel like this is the part that needs the most attention:

Porg goes OUT OF HER WAY to dedicate a GIANT portion of this chapter to her own OC: Nero’s mom. There are several long paragraphs of establishing the relationship between her OC and Vergil, talking about leaving Fortuna, how they were ‘happy’ and then saying that after a hurricane (inspired by hurricane hugo, you’ll see later) she got separated from Vergil, never reconnected with him, GAVE BIRTH, died from a demon attack with Nero staying near her corpse, and then Nero was found by humans and taken off the mainland to be taken to an orphanage on Fortuna. She wanted a massive amount of time to be taken out of the fun parts of playing Devil May Cry to establish a relationship that would never come back and essentially turn into a 15 minute soap opera inserted into a game about having fun killing demons.

Alright back to the noted highlights.

Porg confirms in her fic that the universe of Devil May Cry happens in the US, and that Fortuna is an island along the southeast coast and I want to fucking rip my eyeballs out at this point.

The ONLY REASON why she is doing this is because she lives in Florida. I know she does, and she just wants to imply that this is all happening near her home turf. How anyone who lives in Florida thinks an island like Fortuna can exist is beyond me though, because playing through 4, most of the buildings are inspired by Italian designs, and no one in the states would build an entire island with italian designs. I’ve been to Florida multiple times--there’s no buildings there even REMOTELY designed to match Fortuna.

EDIT: I have been informed that Porg actually lives in Pennsylvania, not Florida, which makes both more and less sense. Why Florida? Why not a hidden island up on the east coast? Why does this have to be taking place in the states at all Porg???

Yeah, let’s take Nero off the MAINLAND OF FLORIDA after a DEVASTATING HURRICANE and send him to an orphanage on an ISLAND which would’ve been hit the hardest by ANY hurricane. TOTAL SENSE. 

She tries to make her own timeline for the series using actual real world dates and events and it’s terrible (she references Hurricane Hugo in 1989, and confidently states that 3 took place in 1990, despite all evidence for the actual dates of events being fan theory established through circumstantial evidence).

There’s so much horror movie inspiration here--not cheap horror, but really twisted shit that... doesn’t fit with Devil May Cry’s tone at all? In the slightest? She references Jacob’s Ladder, plus all the other body horror media I wrote above.

Straight up just tears Vergil’s arm off which sure, I guess we gotta make THAT a parallel between Nero and Vergil. They can have a father son moment over being physically maimed.

In the scene immediately before this, Urizen picks up Vergil by the head and roots around Vergil’s memories (somehow???) to show him all the ‘bad moments’ in his life to traumatize him. She describes it as the audience getting flashes of him falling to hell, charging Mundus, being Nelo Angelo, etc. 

This causes Vergil to cry and beg for Urizen to stop. Then Urizen rips off his arm. So. Yeah. Another point for the OOC!Vergil/OC-taking-Vergil’s-place board.

Also this point ALONE made me realize that Porg does not know how much time, effort, and money needs to be put into making assets. Like, the entire fic she was stressing that everything be done in 5′s HD Graphics--including the ruins of Mallet Island, so I have to assume she’d want these little snippets in HD too, which would be a massive money hole creating these assets for one scene that lasts maybe ten seconds total.

I know I stated it in one of my earlier posts, but most of what she’s writing would fit better with a sequel for the reboot series, not DMC5. It would make her OOC writing of Vergil make sense, all the horror movie inspiration and body horror shit would fit better there, especially all the crappy dialogue too.

She somehow made Griffon even MORE annoying than in cannon.

BTW if I had to listen to poetry while fighting the final boss of a video game, I’d sooner turn my PS4 off. Not that poetry isn’t cool and all, but it cheapens the final fight and distracts you. It wouldn’t work.

EDIT: I realized this point made no sense without context, sorry. Porg made the Book of Urizen (the poetry book by William Blake referenced multiple times by V) either weirdly prophetic or made it out like Blake had inner knowledge of demon powers or... something along those lines, and V magically has the knowledge that reciting poetry from the book about Urizen will... harm him? Weaken him? Open a gate to hell (she mentions a portal appearing near him)? It’s very unclear, but she essentially rewrites Urizen as the final boss, and makes it three stages (V [Griffon recites some verses, which is what the first point was about], Vergil and Dante [this is where Vergil gets his arm ripped off btw], and then Nero) with all three of them reading poetry from the book to deal the “final blow” to Urizen. I’d much rather have Vergil be the final boss than have to go through a three-stage boss fight while every character I play as recites poetry to kill the boss.

She mentions Dante using Sin DT against Urizen but I’m pretty sure with her fuckery of the game’s events Dante can’t GET Sin DT? Because there’s no fight between Nero and Urizen where he’d intervene?

COMPLETELY IGNORES VERGIL’S DEVELOPMENT OF WANTING TO TRAVEL WITH HIS BROTHER THROUGH HELL TO ELIMINATE THE QLIPHOTH FUCK OFF.

Also she changed the lore of the Qliphoth so that it sprouts semi-naturally around every 500 or so years? So... shouldn’t leaving the Qliphoth roots be fine now? Since it’s natural?

Nico acts like growing back arms is totally normal

Wrote an INCREDIBLY shoe-horned in moment in the van with Dante filling Trish and Lady in about finding Vergil and everything that happened where, once again, Trish and Lady act almost completely nonplussed that Vergil is alive after 20+ years in hell, with about 9 of those ten years being trapped under Mundus’ control and corrupted by the Demon King

Seriously why is no one surprised in this fic that Vergil survived? Dante has a brief moment before finding him, but everyone finds out and accepts it like flipping a switch (once again--ESPECIALLY DANTE, which is NOT how the grieving process works)

Porg states that the ending is trash because the twins are fighting in hell, but completely ignores that most of Dante and Vergil’s lives have been built on conflict and they like fighting demons, especially Dante. Both of them were happy and doing what they love.

She also completely ignores through this entire thing that Dante was really fucking depressed in the novels leading up to 5 but hey I don’t even know if she can read.

I can vaguely agree that Trish and Lady were sidelined and they should’ve had a bigger role. However, I can’t fault the directors for not doing this, because they were already developing three playable characters with their own unique fighting styles. She writes all this shit about the story, writes notes about controls and mission layouts, but forgets that it takes a lot more than pressing a single button to code a game.

She just doesn’t know what she’s talking about. Seriously, none of these things are cohesive or edited properly, and despite her saying she wanted better for Vergil, or Nero, or Dante, or V, she writes all of them incredibly out of character and doing illogical actions. I just... I don’t get it.

The best part is--I can’t even tell her about these things, or give constructive criticism. She moderates the comments on her fic and isn’t afraid to delete anything she doesn’t agree with or can’t make a ‘passionate rant’ about.

[maarmendes]

Chapter 3: Alliance [I]

Warnings: Swearing, fighting, mental illness... (the main characters are pretty rough around the edges)

Genre: OC insertion; angst; fluff.

Pairing: Bakugou Katsuki x OC [Anahita Shuzenji]

Word Count: 2949

Tags: @bnhabookclub​

[Wattpad Link]

"Ana! Breakfast's ready!"

My grandma yelled out but I refused to get out from under the covers. After a good night's sleep, my fight with Bakugo seemed dumber than ever. It was none of my business, but once again I overstepped and did something stupid. I curled myself up into a ball and sighed, regretting how embarrassing this whole mess became. That's what I get for trying to fight fire with fire.

"Anahita Shuzenji! I've called you once already!" The old woman barged into my room. "Why are you still in bed? You haven't been staying up late again have you?!" I felt her poke me with her walking stick.

"I'm never going to school ever again." I pulled the covers tighter over me. "Just let me die here and then bury me in some unmarked grave in the woods or something." That won me a cane beating. She wouldn't hurt me but she did annoy me into getting up.

"Stop that, old hag! I was joking! I still won't go to school though."

"Fine." She sat next to me. "I know what this is about. Shota told me what happened with that boy and said he talked some sense into you. Do you want to talk about it with me? Maybe I can help."

Granny patted my head lovingly and my pride broke down. Since my mom's death, we promised to trust each other with everything. After all, we were all the family we had left. And so, I told her about the fight, about Bakugo and Midoriya, about what I said before and during my apology. She scolded me for wasting candy but still found it funny, no matter how embarrassed I was. She held my hand while she listened to me and I told her how much I regretted it. I knew it wasn't my place to scold him, I wasn't the perfect example of a stable person either, and it was none of my business anyway.

"You're right, you shouldn't have involved yourself." I frowned, looking down in shame. "But you did well in defending that child. It's the third day of school and he has spent more time with me than in class! His master already got an earful from me." I cocked a brow at the mention of a master but she shrugged me off and sighed. "You should try to apologize properly today and apologize for butting in where you're obviously not welcomed. Now, get up and get ready! The food's getting cold." With a pat on my cheek, she hopped down the bed.

"Oh, I almost forgot! Shota and I will be out for the day. Something about representing the U.A., probably something boring. He said you had someone who can walk you home, will you be alright?"

"It's okay, Nana. I'll be fine, promise!" I sent her off with a smile as she left me to get ready.

I was more than fine. With Aizawa and Granny out for the day, I could resume my plans. It was the perfect opening! Going to school was no longer an issue for me, the good news had revived my motivation and blew Bakugo out of my mind. He was an issue I could deal with later. I could apologize at any time, but I couldn't get rid of Aizawa that easily. I refuse to waste this opportunity.

Getting to class, there were only a few students around. I spotted Blasty at his seat, his red-haired friend telling him and some other blond guy something he was excited about. I tried to ignore him as much as possible. I knew I had to apologize sooner or later, but I had other things in mind right now. Sitting at my desk I pulled out my phone. The night of the accident, I was following a lead about a bar downtown looking for part-timers. Rumor has it that's a villain hanging spot where all kinds of shady deals go down... And it's the perfect spot to gather information. Thankfully, the ad for a part-time job at the bar was still up and I was about to answer it when someone calls out to me.

"Good morning, Shuzenji!"

"'Morning, Midoriya. You can call me Ana, you know?"

"O-oh, sorry. You can call me Deku then!" His awkward smile made me chuckle.

"How are you doing? Nana is out of campus for today but I can help you if you need anything."

"Oh, no need! I'm fine, really, you already helped enough. I actually wanted to thank you..." The boy rubbed the back of his neck and I couldn't help but feel guilty.

"It's okay, really! Actually, I... I want to apologize." I looked away from him. He babbled frantically trying to reassure me I did nothing wrong but I didn't pay attention. "Listen, I yelled at Bakugo for hurting you... And I feel like I was out of line and shouldn't have butted in between you two... Well, I'm partially sorry. I'm not sorry I told him not to be a dick and to stop hurting people." That remark earned me a chuckle from the cute boy.

"Kacchan and I... It's complicated. But you were trying to protect me, right? I don't think you should apologize for that." I gave him a worried smile at the adorable nickname he gave that dickhead. "Ah! My mom baked cookies yesterday, I brought some for you and Recovery Girl. I'm sorry for the trouble I've been causing..." He offered with a shy smile.

"Oh, Deku... You're no trouble at all!" I tried my best to hold back but I couldn't help myself and ended up pulling the boy into a tight hug, to which he winced in pain. After a couple of apologies and a few laughs, we agreed we should stop being so apologetic.

"Damn, Ana!" Mina wrapped her arm around my neck. "You threw yourself right in! Didn't think you liked them quiet."

"What? No! It's not like that!" I stumbled, trying to find the right words. "I'm so sorry, Deku! I'm just so used to getting close to people..." There was no way for me to hide my embarrassment or Mina's laughter.

"Ignore her. She's just trying to tease you too!" Jirou chimed in, pinching Mina's cheek.

We settled into a nice conversation until the bell rang for the beginning of the first period. Besides the occasional conversation with Deku or some of the girls, I kept my distance throughout the day. I was still sore from 'the Blasty Issue', and I'd rather be left alone than screw up again. No offense to my classmates who were always welcoming and inclusive, but I couldn't take any more distractions. The week I spent without training had already left me behind and I couldn't afford any more mistakes, not when I had such a good chance.

I tried finding a secluded place to eat during lunch so I could do some research and check out what I was getting myself into. I tried the library but the lady had already kicked me out for eating there before. I'd tried the roof but, as expected, it was filled with students I'd rather have nothing to do with. Besides, Bakugo would follow me everywhere I go. Even if I lost him in the hall, when I looked back he was there. He kept following me but never approached me. It was starting to get on my nerves, so I thought out a plan. I took a sharp turn at the end of the hall and ran quickly to hide in the girl's bathroom. No matter how sad it felt to eat a sandwich in the bathroom, he would never follow me here. Hopefully, no one would find me here, it'd be really embarrassing to be caught eating lunch in the bathroom. All hope was lost when I heard someone opening the door. Hiding in a stall wasn't ideal, but there was no way I'd let Bakugo find me that easily.

"I know! It's so unfair." I heard a girl whine. "We've been trying our best to get into the hero department, studying and taking tests, and some stupid bitch gets randomly transferred? Pathetic." She scoffed.

"I heard she's some pro hero's relative. I guess even U.A. can be bought into letting low-lives with no talent in, huh?" Another girl added.

"Yeah, she's that nurse's granddaughter. How can a stupid healer even be a hero? What can she do? Heal villains to death? I bet that's why her grandma ended up working here." A third girl mocked and they all let out the most annoying laughs I'd ever heard.

I wasn't known for keeping my cool and that would show well at this moment. It's not them insulting me that pissed me off. Sure, my pride was hurt but I did get transferred under 'special circumstances' so they weren't wrong. But, insulting my grandma?

Kicking the door open I step out to confront the now quiet girls.

"What? What's your problem?!" All three glared at me but I stood my ground.

"Wanna talk shit? Say it to my face." I took another bite of my sandwich as I waited for their retort, to which they laughed.

"You're the transfer student?" The pink-haired girl mocked between laughs. "They really do let anyone into 1-A, huh? How do you get into the class if you can't reach the doorknob?"

"That's all you got? Weak shit." Keeping a straight face I savored another bite. They finally got their game faces on.

"What did you say?" The middle one got closer and I assumed she'd be the supreme dumb ass of the group. "You think just because you cheated your way up you suddenly become some hot shit?!"

Suddenly something cold rains down my body. The blue bitch had her hands out, a smirk on her stupid face as the idiots laughed at my drenched look. I did say insults don't get me, but controlling toilet water and dumping it on me? Oh, that rubbed me just the right way.

The bullies kept laughing as I jumped up and hit my knee on the girl's nose, hearing a clear crack. They went quiet, watching her friend fall on her back. I threw my soggy sandwich on her face.

"You caught me in a bad mood, Sewer Hands."

Before any of them could retort, my fist hit another girl's face throwing her against the wall. Her friend tried to grab onto me, but she couldn't hold me down and ended up being thrown over my shoulder and out the bathroom. Turning back to the reason I wasn't eating my lunch anymore I see her trying to get out, holding onto her friend.

"What? Play time's over, huh?!" I catch up to them in the thankfully empty hall. Grabbing the girl - whose nose was still bleeding - by the shirt, I push her back on the floor as I stood over her.

"You're out of luck, Toilet Water. I was in need of some stretching." I got on top of her grabbing her by the tie and glared right into her eyes. "You really, really pissed me off."

I threw my arm back, ready to show them exactly what got me into 1-A, when someone gets a strong grasp on my wrist and pulls me off the whimpering girl by the waist. My instinct to fight kicked in and I dug my heels on the ground and used my free arm to elbow them in the ribs, earning my freedom. Grabbing onto their arm, I use my momentum to throw my attacker onto the floor, stepping on their chest to keep them down.

"God- FUCK! What the fuck do you think you're doing?!" A familiar rough voice yelled up at me.

"Bakugo! I'm sorry, I didn't know! I- I didn't-" Getting off him, I offer a hand to help him up.

"Fucking hell, Shortie! How did you do that?!" He rubbed his head and I assumed he hit it pretty hard when I threw him down. "I gotta admit, you got some spunk, pipsqueak."

"I'm going to assume you're fine then."

Waving all the worry away, I turned to see the group of girls stumbling down the hall, helping each other run away. Scoffing I swatted a few wet bangs off my face. All of a sudden, something warm is draped over my shoulders and I look over to see Bakugo placing his jacket around me.

"You're wet. Did they do this to you?" He glared down the hall, but the bullies were long gone. I shoved him away and threw his jacket back to him.

"It's none of your business. I can handle myself."

"It is my business! I'm supposed to keep an eye on you remember?!" He threw his jacket back at me.

"Yeah, I know! I know I'm like some stupid assignment you gotta deal with but don't worry. I don't plan on telling Aizawa about this." I shoved his jacket right back.

"What the fuck are you talking about?! I'm trying to help you!" He shoved it back.

"Why?! It's not like you fucking care!" I snapped at him, throwing his jacket in his face.

"BECAUSE, I'M SORRY OK?!" He threw it back in my face and I froze, peeking at him from under the jacket. "I fucked up and pissed you off and I'm sorry okay?! Just let me help, you dumb idiot!"

He grunted in frustration and I watched him shift in place, obviously uncomfortable. It was clear how hard it was for him to talk about these things... But he tried, and I couldn't blame him for trying his best to make things right. Sighing I gave in and slid into his jacket.

"Your jacket smells like caramel. I like it." He rolled his eyes and scoffed at me, ready to retort but I stopped him. "I'm sorry too. We were both rude, but I was worse..." I looked down at my feet. "I butted in on something that had nothing to do with me, and I even said really mean stuff... I'm really sorry... But even if I don't know what's up between you two, it's not okay to hurt someone like that. Friend or foe. Don't hurt people like that, please."

I looked back up to him in time to see his expression soften and his fist unclench. With a sigh, he nodded.

"I'll try my best." He rubbed the back of his neck.

"Guess I will too since I've just beaten up a bunch of bitches in the bathroom. And lost my sandwich." I frowned.

"We'll get you something to eat, but first you should change. You smell." I punched his shoulder.

"I don't know what you're talking about, all I can smell is caramel!"

"Will you shut up?! Do you know how uncool it sounds when you keep announcing what I smell like?! It's fucking weird!" Bakugo complained as we made our way down the hall.

"But I like it! It's comforting." I nuzzled deeper into his jacket and pouted up at his flustered face. That was a first for him and I tried my best to burn it in my memory as it seemed it wouldn't be a common occurrence.

Bakugo guided me to the girl's locker room, where I quickly cleaned off and changed into my gym uniform. I hated walking around with my hair down. I liked how long it was no matter how annoying it was to keep it in place, so I usually tie it up. But since it was still damp from the shower, I had no choice. Walking out, Bakugo was still waiting for me.

"Worried I might get bullied again?" I smirked throwing him his jacket.

"More like worried you might bully someone again." He scoffed. "You're a feisty one though, aren't you? First, you cuss me out. Then, you get yourself in a three on one fight. Are you trying to beat me at my own game, pipsqueak?" He looked somewhat proud as he ruffled my hair.

"Hands off, jackass!" I swat his hand away. "This mess is hard enough to keep without your help."

"Messiness suits you though." Bakugo flashed a rare smile, turning me into a flustered mess.

"Whatever, Sweat Stain. I'm starving!" I shoved him, walking faster.

I shrugged the feeling of wanting to see him smile more away and started making my way back to class. I finally apologized to him but it didn't mean I had plans to get close to him. Our relationship was already upsetting enough, especially considering I had to find a way to fool him into letting me walk home alone today. As per Aizawa's instructions, he had to leave me with some kind of supervision, such as Aizawa or Nana. Thankfully, once the last bell rang Kirishima and Kaminari were on Bakugo, trying to convince him to go somewhere with them, which I took as the perfect chance to get him off my case.

"Bakugo, I'm headed to Aizawa's office now! You should hang out with your friends!" I called out over my shoulder, smiling and waving as I made my way out of the room. I heard him scream out to me but ignored him.

I made my way out the school as naturally as possible, with a book open in front of my face to avoid getting caught on camera. Not tying my hair up actually worked to my advantage in not being recognized. Once far enough to not be caught by U.A's security system, I declared my plan in motion.  

It's go time.

[NEXT CHAPTER]

[marquis1305]

Silk and Steel Ch 3

AO3 Link

Rating: Mature

Fandoms: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)

Relationship: James “Bucky” Barnes/Reader

Additional Tags:

Slow Burn, Reader-Insert, Florists, Reader is an Enhanced Individual, Nick Fury Knows All, SHIELD, Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. References, Post-Captain America: Civil War (Movie), Canon Divergence - Avengers: Endgame (Movie), Pre-Avengers: Infinity War Part 1 (Movie), Bucky Barnes Feels, Protective Steve Rogers, Hydra (Marvel), enhanced!reader, Reader’s Brother works for SHIELD, POV Female Character, James “Rhodey” Rhodes & Tony Stark Friendship, Rhodey is skeptical, Vision is curious, Tony feeds good behavior with blueberries, Tony Stark Has A Heart, Blueberries, backstory incoming, The Winter Soldiers - Freeform, Fragmented Teamwork, You like making quips as much as the next person, Tony Stark's Nickames

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Chapter 3: The Soldier

You meet the rest of the team, and a few things are revealed about your past. Some of which is more worrying than not.

As it turned out, the rest of the team were just three people. 

Three of the deadliest people you could think of, off the top of your head. And there they were, politely lounging in what amounted to a private airstrip. Quinjet and all. You felt your mouth dry out, it was one thing to objectively know that people with that sort of wealth was out there, it was another thing entirely to witness the line of jets, cars, and other sorts of vehicles. And right there, in the middle of all of them three figures all decked out in black, looking like they should be some sort of Bond criminals. 

“Right, energizer bunny, this is agent succubus, capsicle, and the manchurian candidate. Ladies, this is the Energizer bunny.” Stark nodded between the three and yourself, lifting the scotch that he had had you pause for when you left the conference room. 

And there went the tension from the room. Giggling softly, you roll your eyes, introducing yourself properly. “I’ve heard about each of you. It’s good to finally put some names to faces… or well…”

“We know what you mean.” Steve Rogers has a friendly laugh, disarming with an easy charm in the same way that Tony Stark helped ease your nerves by teasing. “Your brother did good work, we were sorry we got the call.”

“Well, when he insists on putting himself through missions before he’s ready for them. Then again, same could be said of any of the men here.” Natasha quirks her lips up in an almost smile. You know that of all of the people you’ve met today, she’s probably the most dangerous. And knew the most. “Nice to finally meet the sister he likes to brag about. Surprised you didn’t bring a bouquet.”

“What can I say, I’m better at leaving my work life behind when I shut the door for the day than most.” You return the gentle quip, understanding that she needed to get a read on you. You were a relative unknown. But she had the most experience with SHIELD directly, and had the most access to Fury’s files. She likely knew more about you than you know about yourself.

Your gaze slid past her to the remaining member of the so called team. Watching him as he doggedly kept his gaze from you. Taking note of the black glove that kept what you knew was a vibranium hand hidden. His hair pulled into a half bun away from his face. Something echoing in memories tucked too far away in your mind to easily recall.

It wasn’t until Tony rested his hand on your shoulder that your attention was pulled back from the other’s, away from the brooding soldier. “Alright, time to talk strategy.” Rogers came forward, nodding. “We received the call from Fury with some of the intel, hadn’t expected to be back here so soon.” “Yeah, well, I owe him a favor or five, so, I’m playing nice. Just be sure to keep your friend there on a leash, wouldn’t want anyone thin-” The line of thought cut off by a well placed nudge of your elbow to his gut. Giving him a pointed look. 

“Whatever information you might have on my brother, we’ll need. All Fury had told me was that Hydra had managed to nab him.” Turning your gaze to the others as they fell in line beside the Captain, making their way back towards the facility. You moving to one side of him, while Stark fell in at your other side. 

“He was working undercover, trying to find information that might lead to a Hydra base. We knew that there were more out there, but we hadn’t been able to root them all out yet. Fury has something of a grudge.” The Captain turns his gaze to you, watching with a certain softness to him. 

“I expect he would. But that doesn’t explain why he was chosen for this.” Wiping a hand over your face does nothing to wipe away the beginning edges of exhaustion. A full day of work and half a heart attack will do that to a person.

“Fury knew about your connection to Hydra.” Natasha offered, her tone indicating that it meant she knew as well. 

“Wait, what connection? Is there something I’m missing here, or is Romanov just trying to sound smart again?” Tony quipped, turning his gaze back to you. 

You swallowed past the tightness of your throat, trying to find the words to explain the one thing that you had spent your life pretending didn’t exist. It had been easier that way, and your parents had taught you well. Taught your brother well, it didn’t make sense that he had turned around and used it for this...

“The Winter Soldiers that Zemo killed…” You blinked in surprise as Sergeant Barnes finally spoke up. “One of them had children. Borne after the serum… An attempt to breed the next generation of super soldiers, without needing the serum. After the riots the children had disappeared. A boy and a girl. We thought that they had either been killed or transported to another Hydra base for training… I thought you looked familiar.”

“Wait… So are you telling me that Miss Bunny here is a super secret breeding project?” Stark almost scoffed, raising a brow between you and Barnes.

“What, did you think that enhanced individuals all popped up fully grown? Most of us were created Stark… By one thing or another.” Sighing and rolling your eyes. “We were smuggled out before we could even remember anything about the base. Brought here, and hidden in plain sight. As far as I’m concerned, the people who raised us are our parents. Anything else was just words in a file that I never bothered to read. And all the more reason to ignore Fury’s calls to attempt to recruit me.”

“Right so, now that we’ve established you’re a baby super soldier, anything else that you might want to reveal? Just, you know, in case it might be relevant?” “I feel like telling you how I like my coffee is going to be extremely relevant here in the next ten minutes.” You flash Tony your brightest smile, made brighter by the snort of laughter you caught from the Winter Soldier. The sound barely muffled by his attempt to turn it into a cough. Tony rolled his eyes hard enough that you were surprised they didn’t fall right out of his head. Continuing to lead the group back through the hangar until you hit the elevator once more. 

“So��� are we expecting the rest of the Avengers for this?” You question, looking over the four in front of you. 

“No, and this isn’t a reunion tour kid. The only reason capsicle is here is because of Fury.” 

“No, we’re here to save someone, and the three of us have a better understanding of Hydra than what people you have left.” Natasha interjected with a smirk.

Steve rested a hand on your shoulder, offering his trademark smile. “But the point is, we’re here. For however long this takes. We won’t let them keep him, and we won’t let them get to you. The only thing that you need to is what you’re comfortable with. The team won’t take any unnecessary risks.”

“Then you’re already playing with a handicap, because all of us know that Hydra won’t play nice.” You grit your teeth. Shaking your head. “I want to stay as much out of this as I can, but that doesn’t mean that I’m not willing to buckle up and do my part. So just tell me what to do already.”

The elevator dinged open to the conference floor once more. Rhodey and Vision had since made their departure, you assume it was to keep from any further bickering. 

“First things first, we received a note along with your file. We can’t tell if it’s in code or is just an honest letter. But it’s marked to you.” Tony waved you ahead, leading you back to the table and flipping open the file. 

The letter was in your brother’s handwriting. The same silly smiley face that he doodled in the corner of every letter when he couldn’t make it to a dinner. Or when he couldn’t risk phoning. Carefully lifting it in your hand to read. The other’s spreading out to take their seats at the table while you did, Tony bringing up a virtual copy. 

“If it’s code, it’s not one I’ve seen before.” Natasha frowned, leaning back in her seat as she considered it. 

“Nothing Hydra based either, no markers that would have been used on one of my missions. Not that that’s surprising.” Barnes shrugged, his gaze finally lifting to you once more. You could feel the weight of it, even as you did your best to ignore it. 

“Friday has already run it through a hundred encryption codes. Nothing.” Tony was making his way towards the attached kitchen, hopefully to start a pot of coffee. You hadn’t been joking when you said that you had needed it. 

“That’s because it’s not a code. At least, not one that anyone would understand if they weren’t us.” Finally laying down the letter to look up, almost caught off guard at the expectant looks meeting you from each of the former avengers, and one Winter Soldier. 

“No guys, really, it’s just a letter telling me he won’t be making it to our dinner this week and talking to me about all the things I would usually ask in person.” Shrugging, you lay the letter back down on the table. Moving to the projection of the page. “The smiley face is the only thing of importance. We’ve used them since we were kids, to let each other know where we were standing without words. A regular smiley face meant that we were uncomfortable, but could work through it. Hearts meant that we were in immediate danger. He’s used a winky face with the tongue in the shape of a P. The wink means that he’s undercover right now, he’s having to lie. The tongue means that he won’t make it to the next few dinners.”

Steve furrowed his brow slightly as he looked to you, arms crossing over his chest as he leaned back in the chair. “So, all that just from a doodle in the corner?”

“Not all of us can be super spies. It was simple, but it’s always worked. And it kept me from worrying without giving away any details.” You shrug, taking in the smirk from Natasha and the slight glint in Barnes’ eyes. 

“The next step is figuring out what his plan was.” Natasha sets her phone on the table, bringing up reports you were fairly certain she shouldn’t have had access to. “You know him best, what are your thoughts?”

Wetting your lips, you shrug. Barely glancing up when Tony offers you a mug of coffee, somehow made exactly the way that you prefer. “Honestly… if he was trying to use our past, then he would have went to babushka.”

“He what?!” Barnes was suddenly standing in front of you, gripping the arms of your chair tight enough to cause indentations in the metal. Crystal blue eyes staring down at you in a mix of anger and disbelief. Half a snarl on his lips. 

The others already jumping to their feet, ready to stop him from hurting you, you assumed. 

But you simply met his gaze, lifting your coffee to your lips and sipping at it. It was your turn to weigh him. Weigh his reaction. How much he knew about everything.

Whether he could be trusted.  

Was this the Sergeant or the Soldier?

[01010010-posts]

— keep in touch.

requests: can i request something?? soooo, the bois have a s/o which really really craves lot of attention and cuddling but she can't speak up about it because she's shy and a tad insecure??? (totally not self-insert) you don't have to do it i'll be content either way if you post something different, i love your hc they're so heartwarming!!! love you, stay happy!!!!!

(will do the first one later) hello hello, reckless one was... succulent xD (gimme all dem ass, all dem booty) can i request some more? i saw you're not really sure about nsfw so maybe something mild? like very shameless s/o with sex jokes but not actual action, it could be a good thing to start, just a small suggestion :) and what about s/o who is uncomfortable with touching? bois want touch, s/o want touch but constantly thinks that they shouldn't and bois have to show it's okay (sorry it's 2 but I love you and am thirsty)

since i’m a fucking touchy-feely person this took longer than expected am sorry (no the truth is i really put my heart into RK900’s one bc i’m a bitch and y’all can’t stop me from loving him) is this what you wanted??  hope so!! also can someone please tell if there are some mistakes it’s 4 AM here i’m stupid.

Connor:

• a bit worried when you lean in and suddenly pull back • w-what was that • did u want a kiss? a hug?? some cuddles??? • did he do something wrong? • aaaaAAAAAAAAAA • he sees when you’re staring at him like that • but if you’re not comfortable telling him then…. • what should he do?? should he press you to talk? • he’s just happy with holding hands but • he knows humans want more than just holding hands • he starts to think that maybe the way he touches you is not what you expected • he’s still so-so about romantic human customs?? • maybe he doesn’t properly know how to kiss and you never told him bc you didn’t want to make things awkward between you two • he researches stupid wikihow articles about affection • but his stress level raises every time you avoid kissing him • and one day he kinda snaps and kisses you deeply • and then he gently asks you what’s wrong and maybe you don’t love him anymore? that’s also a possibility but he promises you that he won’t get mad or anything he just wants to know because seeing you like this make his thirium pump ache so much, it hurts. he wants to see you happy, with or without him • you’re there, blushing madly not only for the sudden kiss • but also because this whole time you were worrying about such a stupid thing and honestly?? you feel like shit now • i mean you better do bitch you made this pure boy cry • and you apologize, you tell him that no, of course you love him and him only it’s just…. very difficult for you sometimes to be comfortable with kissing and touching in general. you like his attentions, sure, you love them but let’s say you want a hug while he’s working on some files at home?? even though you know he wouldn’t tell you no or, at least, be rude about it, you’ll surely feel like a burden and you don’t want to feel that. and you don’t want to annoy him. • plus you’re shy!! • he makes the biggest sigh ever • and closes his eyes for a solid ten seconds, then opens them again and just smiles a smile so wide • he was so worried that you didn’t love him anymore?? • he simply tells you that if you want to touch him you can • however if you’re not sure you can ask!! he doesn’t mind you asking him • in fact he’s already picturing that he’ll like that • you asking for a hug or a kiss when he’s in the middle of something? absolutely adorable

RK900:

• very annoyed when you escape from his hugs • or when you avoid his loving gaze • do you think he’s not gonna notice? • he picks this stupid habit of tapping his fingers onto surfaces when you make him nervous • because that’s what you do, that’s right, you make his stress level so high • not that you particularly do something • quite the contrary in fact • why won’t you kiss him so often like you should? • he likes it if you do it often • he wants you to do it often • “you’re not performing normal human affectionate actions. why is that? should I be worried? based on my researches, at this point in a relationship an intimate routine should be well established by now. may I remind you that the act of ‘cuddling’ releases an amount of endorphins good enough to help most humans relax? for this reason may I suggest you to engage in sexual activities– ” • “what the fuck are you blabbering about” • “I was merely saying that it would be beneficial for both of us to pursue physical touch, if you would like to inquire why I can send to your e-mail some highly qualified medical links, they all point out that– ” • “I got that part. It’s– not true tho, that I’m not ‘performing affectionate actions’.” • you have the audacity to tell him this??? YOU HAVE BITCH?? • HE’S BEEN NERVOUS FOR WEEKS NOW AND YOU TELL THIS TO MY PRECIOUS ANGEL??? U DON’T DESERVE HIM • i swear to god he raises an eyebrow so high you think it’s gonna fucking reach his hairline • he licks his lips in disbelief and clicks his tongue • “we roughly kiss ten times a day, which is not an appropriate number considering that you also elude my attempts at giving you other forms of devotion. also, the fact that you’re being so evasive with the topic at hand implies an unnecessary shyness.” • by now you’re fucking red • and you feel so guilty you just want to sink into the couch and disappear • but he catches you before you can melt into the cushions • and he hugs you so tight • slowly hiding his face into your neck, softly inhaling your scent • “it’s okay to stay like this.” • and you return the hug and sigh • “I’m sorry. did I make you worry? I didn’t mean to…. it’s just that, you know, I want to touch you, I really do but– I’m shy. I’ve never felt this comfortable with anyone and I– I think I’m kinda scared to fuck things up, I guess?” • while you’re saying these things he’s already overheating bc are you serious? he didn’t thought you could be cuter than what you already are and yet you’re proving him wrong • if you could see his face? like the deep ocean • he has to raise a hand to cover his mouth bc his accumulated tension melted as soon as he touched you and these are the aftereffects • “there’s no chance for you to ‘mess things up’, like humans like to say, if you’re this cute. please do touch me more often.” • that’s it. • that’s all he has weakly managed to say • please don’t look at him or he’s going to cry • after something like one minute he takes a deep breath and kisses you • you’ve fucking broken him

RK800-60:

• it’s a little impossible for you not to be touched • i mean have you seen this little shit? • he wants he needs to touch you • all the time • like he won’t be able to function properly if you don’t give him at least two kisses every thirty minutes • in fact he doesn’t do shit at work • not that he’s going to willingly work if you’re there with him giving him kisses • he just doesn’t want to work at all okay • he just want to please you bc he cares about you not about his work • the laziest android ever assembled • i think he deviated just bc he was too lazy to work • so when sometimes you act kinda cold towards him his natural response is to be more and more affectionate • but when he notices that you’re being really elusive he gets really worried • he did something bad of this he’s sure • but what • he replays everyday in his head, searching for a clue • but he doesn’t find anything • which makes him more and more worried??? • ‘oh no [name] doesn’t love me anymore’ • his whole world comes crashing down • he get very depressed • why won’t you at least tell him?? • he figured it out already so please just release him from your grasp • but you start to notice too • how he’s not his usual self • how he doesn’t joke a lot • how he just mopes around • how he just doesn’t talk to you about his day • and you feel so bad • but you muster the courage to ask him what’s wrong • and he kinda goes silent • after a bit though he sighs and just shakes his head • “I know that you no longer love me, let’s just– just stop pretending.” • you feel so sick at the pit of your stomach, your heart shatters • “that’s not true– that’s not true at all! I love you so much, please believe me!” • “I said let’s stop pretending. you don’t have to lie to me [name]. I’m not a kid– heck I’m not even a human, what was I thinking when I tangled myself up in this mess.” • you start to sob, you cry endlessly • he’s so weak to your face full of tears • he can’t help himself and all of a sudden he’s hugging you like his life depends on it • “I’m sorry I’m sorry, I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean what I said. please forget it. you’re not a mess, you’re beautiful and I love you so so so so so much.” he mutters into your ears “I don’t know what I was thinking oh gosh– I’m really sorry, please don’t cry. that’s the last thing I wanted please, shh, it’s all right. I’m a fool, you know that, I just– just–” he sighs “I just thought that you were a bit too cold and I mean, maybe I did something bad? tell me if I did. because I searched and searched but I didn’t find anything in my software that could pinpoint to that. so my most logical conclusion was– I’m such a stupid, am I not?” • “I’m the stupid!” • “no you’re not you’re–” • “I’m the stupid I tell you! I didn’t know how much I was hurting you I–” he’s caressing your back and you’re kinda choking on your hiccups “I thought that I was being too cuddly I– I thought I was annoying you and you were only complying.” • he takes a big breath as relief washes over him • “what– no! of course not! I love you and I love you when you ask for some cuddles and when we kiss before work and and and I just love you. every part of you. even if you asked me to hug you every minute every second I’d still love you. even if you were being really annoying and bratty.” • you’re both two fucking giant stupid just stop this shit and kiss you cowards

[ilcaeryx]

Tenacity: Chapter 3 - Penultimate [Aizawa Shouta/Reader]

SUMMARY: He promised you would always take precedence and be his number one priority… but Aizawa Shouta can't count.

TAGS: Reader-Insert Collection, Hurt, Angst, Rumination, Relationship, Relationship Troubles, Argument, Loneliness, Honemood Period Is Over, Shower Talk

Link to Chapter 3 of Tenacity on AO3

or continue reading below.

Chapter 3: Penultimate

One last effort to remain at home.

In a strange feat of nature, this was a paradoxical action; for you to outlast your repulsion and remain seated in the chilly armchair, you had to excert force to glue your feet to the floor and your spine to the back of the chair. Your soles were uncomfortably numb, the polished tiles withdrawing whatever heat was left and leaving behind a constant ache, like white noise physically prickling you. When you got out of this armchair to greet your husband, everything would hurt.

To you, this was not an unexpected development. Inside your head, there was this perfectly aligned sequence of memories. Re-watching them, again, through a damp filter, they felt like prisoners raised in a row against a dull wall. For a few seconds you couldn't believe this had actually been your life until you, the executor, decided to dive in again. Bitterly, very bitterly you tasted the air and started from the beginning, once more.

Once in this marriage, before year five or six of seven, you had been content. Prior to this point pinpointing behaviours that would've hinted this were either non-existent or simply subtle enough to evade you. Shouta hadn't always been like this… You were sure. But when you eased yourself into chronologically reviewing what went wrong the familiar tinge of nostalgia blurred the edged between what had always been, what currently was and all forevermore.

It was hard to tell the difference, you consoled yourself and scratched at your nailbeds. The consolation did little to ease this clouded view of the future, which worried you the most. These last few weeks you had been clinging to Shouta and that had felt like more of a commitment than the entire marriage.

For around four months, you had been aware of these feelings.

Within a span of twenty minutes, you were exhausted. You couldnt keep your eyelids from shutting down, the memories lulled you into an unrestful sleep.

With the steel glare of a villain accompanying him down the street, Shouta left the policemen to deal with the aftermath. The villain was apprehended and his Quirk properly neutralized - no use in waiting around. Downtown alleyways and streets had been a hotbed for villains lately, according to police reports and general consensus in the hero community.

Indeed, when zoning into the police radio channels there was currently an additional apprehension of a villain a few blocks away. He braced for impact and landed on a rooftop, hair flying across his visor. The scene wasn't far away; he could hear the sirens whirling past below. Other than the lightspots under the city lights and the neon lights of industry buildings, the night was still. Quite possibly a bit after midnight.

Considering he had never heard that particular villains name before, he concluded that it was a lone newbie. If he had been a troublesome fellow, several police cars and heroes would've been alerted. Because hero companies were in direct competition with each other regarding villain captures and information, there was no proper way to figure out whether more heroes were in the vicinity. The police could perhaps be in need of assistance. His instincts were quietly teasing his attention towards the potential firefight.

Shouta removed his visor and rubbed his eyes with his fingertips, the ache dissipating for the moment.

"There's nothing more for me to do," Shouta said to himself. Though it went against his instincts, he headed towards his home. It wasn't a matter of work hours. The exhaustion he could power-nap away during the day… his pupils (most of them, at least) didn't mind working on their own for ten minutes. No, things in his household had been unusual. His wife was acting peculiar; her independent, cheerful self had lately been checking up on him a lot. Not necessarily a bad thing, but it was pretty eyebrow-raising to see her dipping in at the UA faculty a few days a week.

Obviously, there was no other option but to ask.

At 1AM he called it an early night and entered his home, where he found you slumped in your armchair.

You woke up to calm, swaying motions in your husband's embrace, strong arms supporting you under your back and knees. Temple to his chest, you couldn't feel his heartbeat - of course, Shouta must've just arrived home and was still wearing his hero outfit. It was terse yet cushiony, rustling around you as he pulled into your bedroom.

"I told you not to wait up for me," he said, turning on the light with a flick of his finger.

You groaned in protest when the light stabbed your eyes, covering your face with a hand.

This felt familiar; his soft chiding while carrying you to bed was something he had done early on in your relationship, when you still were uncertain and worried about his night patrols. Like all good things in life, it ends not a second longer than it needs to exist. He layed you down on your side of the bed.

"Hold on," you held onto his right hand, grasping his middle and index fingers in your palm, "we should probably talk."

As much as you wanted to vomit out the words you had been rehearsing this evening, Shouta looked pretty smashed. With his yellow visor above his blood-shot eyes, he exuded more sleepiness than usual. He didn't need to stay up, you admitted with a modicum of guilt.

"Funny you would mention that, Y/N, I was thinking the same."

Now alert, you sat up straight in bed. That was unexpected - and rather terrifying. Shouta kneeled down on the floor, resting his arms on the bed.

"Isn't it late for you?" you asked, suppressing the thoughts you had entertained this evening with desperation. Now that you didn't have your sleepy bravery, you thought it would be good to take this in the morning so that you could gather your thoughts.

"It's 1AM."

"That's pretty early."

He hummed in agreement. "I was thinking of waking up earlier to talk, but since you're already awake…"

"We may as well get it over with," you finished, shuffling further into the bed and retracting your legs beneath the duvet.

Shouta patted your knee, "I'll go have something to eat, take a shower and then we can talk. Don't fall asleep without me."

Thankfully (or not) staying awake required little concentration. You couldn't bear to lay still in bed while waiting, so you resorted to pacing. You also couldn't find the perfect timeline you earlier managed to conjure, scrawling every cerebral fold for proof of his wrongdoing. It was like the last few minutes before an exam, when you're trying to cram one last fact before you're thrown into the fire. Thus you focused on Shouta. Like a sixth sense, you followed the path he took outside from the inside your head, as if spectating him from an astral body.

Once the shower was running all this felt like a terrible mistake. Could you take all of it back? Your marriage would be impacted. Was it worth uprooting it for whatever reason you felt slighted?

If it wasn't, why were you thinking of leaving?

You crept out of the bathroom and lingered outside, your heart bumping in your ears.

If you were so sure before, why wouldn't you continue now? After all, there was only one way - forward.

You entered, using a finger to muffle the door shutting. The warm air prompted a wave of shivers over your body. It felt pleasant to be completely naked, letting your bathrobe and nightgown slide down onto the floor. Your husband's attire was thrown haphazardly over the laundry basked, Shouta clearly out of fucks given, you noticed nervously.

I hope he doesn't mind some company, you thought and slipped into the shower to join your husband.

With his back to you and in the middle of rinsing his hair you thought Shouta wouldn't have sensed your presence but you barely managed to withdraw the shower curtain before he slightly inclined his head towards you. It felt less predatory to creep up to him with his knowledge.

You were hesitant about drawing closer.

On his ribcage was an unsightly blemish the size of your palm that you couldn't recall seeing before. Thinking of it, you hadn't seen your husband at least top-less in a while… He always returned so late, you usually caught him for a few minutes before he was off for class. Your fingers drew light circles on top of it.

"Did you get this today, Shouta?"

Shouta completed rinsing his hair before answering.

"A few days ago. It's getting pretty dangerous out there during nighttime. Villains are being unusually brave but it won't protect them from getting caught."

"I see."

There was no use in inquiring whether he was being careful or not; you knew that he was and Shouta had an excellent judgement for such things, even for a pro hero.

"You must be pretty damn impatient to join me," he said and took a small step back, silently offering you some space under the showerhead. You obliged.

"I thought it'd be wise to kill two birds with one stone."

Nevermind that this makeshift plan of confronting him failed on the first step when you fell asleep, you had to get it out now. This couldn't wait another day. Not one more. You were ready.

"Practical. Now, about that tal-"

"Could you please turn the showerhead towards me?" you asked and added in a smaller voice, "I'm cold."

He obliged. Your hands, trapped between your chest and his chest, spread out to catch the torrent like a tropical flower in a rainstorm. Water drops soon got caught in your eye-lashes and hair. While examining the motion of the drops railing down your palm lines, you opened your mouth.

"Okay, listen up, Shouta."

"I'm listening."

"There's this thing that has been going on for a few months now… You leave home at six in the morning to prepare class for your students and return at two or three in the morning. Other than on weekdays, we barely see each other. I'm stuck here without you and that isn't what you promised me."

He put his hands on either side of your head, but you didn't cease playing with the water in your hands. He also didn't speak directly, his breathing rather heavy.

"You'll be returning to work soon, Y/N. Your illness isn't chronic-"

You immediately snapped up, facing him. "You're right about that: it's not chronic. However, I still won't see you before and after work.

"You knew what you were getting into when we got together."

"It wasn't like it was now at all! Back then, you had Nemuri and Hizashi and tons of other people helping you out-"

"The night patrols have never been a group activity."

"Then why are you doing the job of three people by yourself? If you didn't have to, you would be home earlier."

"We've been married for six years, for fuck's sake! Why is this a problem now?"

His voice was rough like sandpaper and you jumped by the slight change of tone. It was okay, he would never hurt you… yet you still pressed yourself away from him as far as you could. There was a considerable difference in size between you two and even with his lither build a man was a man.

For a second hurt split across his face, evolving into a scowl. With the light behind him obscured by the shower curtain, there were sharp shadows in his eyes and forehead.

"Why now?" he asked.

"I don't know. All I know is I've had enough." By the end of that sentence, your throat was clamming up. "Actually, I do know why."

Hesitation in the air. Did you really want to say it?

"Tell me," he breathed quietly, leaning in towards you.

"Because I've never been your priority, not from day one," you struggled to string together words, because whenever you made a slight pause in your speech a pitiful yowl escaped you. "Your students, your jobs, justice. That's your priority list. Even cats are further up than me. Now that I think about it, I'm not in last place; I'm your penultimate priority, because you care less about your reputation."

The downpour between the two of you was the only sound for a short while as you melted into your confession and Shouta tasted your words.

"I have a hard time understanding how you could explain my paying for your hospital bills and over-working so that you could rest at home as me not prioritizing you."

You raised an eyebrow. Wasn't he listening?

"I told you that this had been going on for longer than that. Your night patrols didn't start once my illness got worse - don't kid yourself in believing you did that for me. This has been a problem ever since UA first got attacked."

Shouta's fists curled together, his biceps contracting.

"Y/N, that was last year. You also didn't answer my question: why now? Why didn't you bring this up earlier?"

"Everytime you returned you seemed exhausted and I'm already a burden on you. You have more than enough to deal with."

There was such an intense change in emotions your next sentence disappeared from your thoughts; Shouta looked at you with such an unfamiliar expression, you struggled to identify it. It didn't make you feel anything other than the constant anger you had been harbouring on and off this evening.

"If I hadn't told you tonight, I think I would've spontaneously combusted," you said.

You didn't dare telling him about the stray thoughts of leaving your shared home that you had earlier. This argument had gone far enough and you felt (you were) trapped.

"I don't want you to close yourself off from me," Shouta said seriously, shutting off the water. "Whatever I did to give you the impression that I wouldn't muster the strength to listen to your troubles, I'm sorry. I've never come home without you waiting for me here - I don't know how I would deal with an emptiness like that and I'm unhappy that you had to find out yourself."

How did you answer that? You couldn't. Did it make you feel whole again? Not really. A certain part of you did flourish at his words, though.

Shouta reached from behind the shower curtain and pulled out a towel. He hoovered with it until you bowed down your head in an accepting gesture. He dried your frontal locks with the towel.

"I do mean this, Y/N. I'm not leaving you to suffer alone. If you feel like you're strong enough to work again, I'll cut down my patrolling hours."

"You're okay with that?" you asked while peering from below the towel folds. "I'm tired of being home all the time, so I look forward to returning to work… I've never heard you say no to work."

"There are diminishing returns to hero work; an investment of time is only effective if the hero operates at a certain level… I think I do a decent enough job, but it wouldn't hurt to be more alert during daytime. For one, it would certainly help if you told me about it."

The towel slipped down to your shoulders, Shouta draping it over you like a cape.

"I promise I'll tell you everything, Shouta."

His eyes were barely open when he mumbled, "I'm thankful for that. If you want to continue talking…"

"Which I want," you filled in.

"… We'll have to do it tomorrow. I'm about to collapse."

You re-settled into your comfortable pillow and fluffy cover, feeling an additional duvet of unease cover you. All those secrets were uncovered, yet your chest felt just as heavy. Honestly, it was physically hard to breathe.

Well, that one secret regarding you abandoning your home you'd probably take to the grave.

It felt rather anti-climatic, though. All this buildup that popped like a balloon with the sound of a bunny sniffing. Perhaps Shouta didn't fully understand the extent of your feelings... Was that why it went so smoothly?

Thinking back on the exchange, you felt more at ease when together with your husband than without him… even when you were fighting. Being his siamese twin was impossible, though. You didn't dare believe that he'd keep his promise but what choice did you have other than restraining yourself with all your might and wait?

You'd see tomorrow.

If you liked this, consider throwing me a like/reblog/follow! I'll be posting an additional comment post about this. My Masterlist can be found here

[eclecticminded]

Polyamory: Trading Places

anonymous asked: Rafael wants to be dominated in the bedroom. Maybe within the polyverse?

Okay so I love this request because one I am a total switch and I love writing for the polyamory story! It’s the first time they’d do this in the polyverse so it’s a lot of sweet stuff too. Hope you enjoy!!

Sonny guides you through dom-ing Rafael while Nick is out of town.

Part One and Part Two and Part Three and Part Four  and Part Five and Part Six and Part Eight and Part Nine and Your Wallet

Warnings: sexxx

Tags: @southsiderepresent @glimmerglittergirl @madpanda75  @southern-magnolia @katmstanton @esparza-army @sweetsummertime99  @obfuscateyummy @lifeisbetterwithbarba  @lyssa1385  @hux-me-up   @bowieisawizard  @raulmonamour @somethingstately

Also I have a Kofi (link in blog description) if anyone wants to donate!

Three weeks ago Rafael started dropping hints he wanted you to dominate him. They were subtle at first, a joke or flirty text. But the last four days he'd gotten more bold. In fact, you'd come home to a package and upon opening it found a strapon and large bottle of lube. It was then you realized Rafael was more serious about submitting than you thought.

You were a switch and had dreamed of dominating a man, but it just never really happened. Here Rafael was offering himself to you, and you didn't know what to do. Normally Sonny and Rafael dominated you. The most you'd done to them was light choking and pinning them down to ride them. They ate it up but you were nervous to take it further. So you were frantically texting Sonny about how to make Rafael's fantasy a reality.

Constant texts between the two of you about how to properly dominate Rafael helped put you at ease. Although by now Rafael was sure you'd forgotten or were never gonna follow through so he stopped asking after sending the package. Little did he know you were busy as a bee with Sonny plotting, and boy was he in for a treat.

[To: You and Sonny 9:59pm] Why do I have a package here with an insert that says to text you before opening it further?

[To: You and Rafael 10:16pm] The plot thickens haha

[To: Rafael and Sonny 10:32pm] Open it in the morning. Wear it. Come to my house for dinner with me and Sonny after work.

[To: You and Sonny 10:44pm] Yes ma'am!

Later that night you were sitting around the table with two of the three men you loved. Nick was in California visiting Zara for a long weekend and planning his return surprise was a problem for tomorrow night. Rafael was squirming in his seat and you pretended not to notice. Sonny looked at you, the food, the kitchen, the bedroom, and back to you.

“Hey sugar,” you turned to face Rafael and he stopped bouncing to look at you.

“Sí cariño,”Rafael's face lit up with a huge smile.

“Are you wearing it,” you raised an eyebrow and Sonny smirked.

“Yes! All day. In court mind you,” Rafael blushed.

“Did you decide on the blue or purple,” Sonny winked.

“You'll have to wait and see won't you,” you briefly turned to Sonny before bringing your attention back to Rafael.

“It was quiet the surprise,” Rafael nodded enthusiastically.

“Sonny cooked dinner. This is my house. So Rafael put the food away, load the dishwasher, and meet us in the bedroom,” you stood up abruptly and marched to the bedroom, leaving both men with their jaws hanging open. Sonny recovered first and practically sprinted after you, leaving Rafael scrambling to clean up.

“Doll that was hot,” Sonny reached for the zipper on your dress and helped you out of it.

“Well if this goes well maybe I can dom you too. Or both of you,” you winked and took off the rest of your clothes.

“Promise,” Sonny stripped his clothes off while you opened the box on your bed.

“Only if you help me figure this strapon out, honeybear” you laughed and pouted in frustration.

“Can do doll,” Sonny took the harness from you and untangled it. He adjusted it to fit your hips and pulled it up your legs for you. Once it was seated comfortably around your body, Sonny put the dildo in the O ring.

To pass the time while Rafael cleaned, you started kissing Sonny. There was passion and fire flowing between you lips like electricity. It consumed your body while he sucked a trail of small sloppy hickies down your throat. He bit down with a growl to the top of both of your breasts, eliciting a moan from deep in your belly.  

When Rafael snuck into the room and stripped, you pretended not to notice. Instead you found Sonny's sweet spot below his left ear and sucked and nipped until his knees buckled. He whimpered and you turned his head to look at Rafael.

“You gonna just stand there babe? Or are you gonna suck her cock,” Sonny moved to stand behind you and pepper bites across your shoulders. Rafael practically fell to the floor in front of you and rested on his knees eagerly. Just like they both did to you, you gripped the dildo and rubbed the tip against Rafael's plump lips. His mouth opened the sucked the head into his mouth.

One of Rafael's warm hands braced himself on your thigh while he began to bob on the silicon between your legs. You got lost watching him, and didn't notice Sonny had stopped touching you. Not one to be forgotten, his fingers suddenly plunged inside of you and it was your turn to lose your balance.

“Easy there doll,” Sonny pulled you back upright while Rafael steadied you from where he kneeled.

“Okay that's enough of that,” you pulled away from both men, trying to keep a clear head.

“What next, ma'am,” Rafael purred.

“Oh what a sweet boy, I like that. Yes call me ma'am,” you stooped down and kissed Rafael, finally giving him the attention he'd needed all day.

“Yes ma'am,” Rafael panted when your lips broke apart.

“I think you need to be fucked. Don't you,” you gripped Rafael's hair at the back of his neck and pulled it down so he looked up at you.

“Yes ma'am, please,” he pleaded.

“Suck Sonny's cock. If you do it well enough, I'll consider it,” you relaxed your grip and moved to get the lube from the box still on the bed. While you tossed the box towards the closet and opened the lube, Rafael already had Sonny's cock down his throat. You watch transfixed while Sonny ran one hand through his hair and used the other to guide Rafael's mouth up and down his cock. When he reopened his eyes, he saw you were ready to move on and nodded.

“On the bed, all fours,” Sonny barked at Rafael and you almost did it yourself, that demand was usually said to you anyway.

“Good boy,” you kissed the top of Rafael's head and looked to Sonny already behind him, “So which color did I pick?”

“The heart shaped pink. Good choice,” Sonny squeezed Rafael's ass, “Did you really wear this all day?”

“Yes sir,” Rafael nodded and you started kissing down his back.

“Properly,” Sonny questioned.

“Every opportunity I had, I took it out and added more lube. Wore it during court today,” Rafael moved his hips as you reached the small of his back.

“That was intentional,” you spoke against his warm salty skin, “Knew it was a hard case. Figured you could use an escape tonight.”

“Thank you ma'am,” Rafael sighed with a smile, “And sir too!”

“Let's get this out of there,” Sonny slowly pulled the buttplug out of Rafael and set it on a tissue on the nightstand. You lubed up the dildo and awaited Sonny's further instruction.

“Relax sweet boy,” your hand splayed on Rafael's lower back while you moved closer behind him.

“Press in slowly, like I do to you,” Sonny kneeled behind you so his chest pressed against your back. His hand moved yours to grip the dildo and brought it to Rafael's asshole.

“Are you ready,” you tentatively asked.

“Yes. So much yes,” Rafael nodded rapidly. As slowly as you could, you slid into Rafael's waiting asshole. His breathe hissed through his teeth and you froze.

“It's okay, keep going,” Sonny whispered for only you to hear before getting louder, “Tell us if you need us to stop.”

“Yes sir. Please keep going ma'am,” Rafael pleaded.

“I told you,” Sonny whispered in your ear and it sent shivers up your spin. With a long exhale, you kept pushing the phallic toy into Rafael until it was fully inside him.

“Now what,” you felt silly asking Sonny.

“Take it out just as slow and put it back in,” he muffled his laughter by sucking hickies onto your neck. Once the dildo was out of Rafael, you squirted more lube onto it and his asshole before pressing back in.

“Faster please,” Rafael whimpered when you pulled back out.

“What was that,” you pretended not to have heard him.

“Fuck me faster please ma'am,” Rafael gritted through his teeth. Sonny stopped kissing you and stood beside you to watch. In a quick fluid motion you thrusted into Rafael and he gasped as you pulled nearly out and plunged back in. After a few failed attempts you found your rhythm and scratched down Rafael's back. He responded with moan and you nodded Sonny further down the bed.

Sonny bent down and talked to Rafael in a hushed voice while you pounded away into his ass. Rafael nodded and Sonny's cock disappeared down his throat. You gripped Rafael's hips and Sonny his head, your thrusts syncing up to drive Rafael crazy. His painfully hard cock was leaking all over the towel below him and though you couldn't see it, you knew.

Before long Sonny came down Rafael's throat and he swallowed every drop. You both coo-ed about what a good boy he was while Sonny began to jack Rafael's cock. Again your thrusts synced with Sonny's movements and Rafael's eyes rolled back in his head.

“Please may I cum sir,” Rafael stuttered.

“Not me you should be asking,” Sonny teased.

“Please ma'am! Please may I cum,” Rafael was so desperate you could practically hear his lip quiver.

“Cum for me sweet boy. Cum for us,” you kept thrusting while Rafael come with a strangled cry. When his orgasm was fully over, you stopped and pulled out, collapsing backwards. Rafael climbed off the bed and tried to help you out of the harness.

“No. You lay down. I have this,” Sonny shooed him away and expertly removed the harness from your hips. You got up and moved the towel and dildo to the bathroom to clean later. When you returned, Sonny was wrapped around Rafael and playing with his hair. You climbed in front of Rafael and pulled his head against your chest.

“You did so good sweet boy. So good,” you kissed Rafael's forehead repeatedly and intertwined your fingers with Sonny on Rafael's side.

“We'll clean you up in a bit,” Sonny yawned.

“Thank you both,” Rafael sighed contently.

“I didn't get off,” you pouted.

“Give us a minute to recoup doll,” Sonny chuckled and yawned again.

“It's fine,” you shook your head, “I was teasing. You old men need your rest anyway.”

“Who you calling old,” Rafael pulled back to look at you menacingly.

“You. Both of you. You're both older than me,” you laughed.

“I think she needs to be taught a lesson,” Rafael palmed your breasts aggressively.

Sonny responded with a snore.

“Guess I'll teach you a lesson then,” Rafael latched on to a bare spot on your chest.

“Tomorrow sugar,” you yawned, “I'm too tired to enjoy it. Let me clean you up.”

“Okay ma'am,” Rafael slipped back into sub space.

“Stay here,” you patted his chest and got up. In the kitchen you got a cold water bottle from the fridge and grabbed the baby wipes from the bathroom. Rafael rolled on his stomach when you reentered the room and you gently cleaned his ass of lube. He chugged half the water while you threw the wipes away and finished the bottle.

“Good night,” you murmured while Rafael settled back against your chest.

“Te quiero,” his words were muffled by your breasts.

“I love you too. And you too snoring Sonny,” you drifted off surrounded by love and acceptance. One fantasy was checked off the three of your bucket lists, what was next was still to be seen.

[benjikarofsky]

Giving and Getting || Para

WHO: Benji Karofsky (@benjikarofsky) and Franco Del Rio (@southsidefranco)

WHERE: Benji’s apartment

WHEN: 29th April 2019 (Backdated & Retconned)

NOTES: [A continuation of what happened directly after THIS PARA ended.] Franco decides to “make it up” to Benji for breaking a rule and leaving the apartment without permission.

TRIGGERS: This entire thing is smut. (Not even gonna section it off. There’d be no point.) **kinks listed directly under the cut**

BOLD: Benji

ITALIC: Franco

WORD COUNT: 1657

Kink warning: Domination, teasing, begging/desperation, spanking, hair pulling, (sort of) voyuerism, (sort of) semi-public; ‘blink-and-you’ll-miss-it’ versions of the following: slut-shaming, aftercare

Benji smiled and tugged on Franco's shirt again, pulling him so his mouth was right next to Franco's ear. "Oh, you're definitely gonna make it up to me," he teased, giving his boyfriend's ear a quick nibble. "You broke a rule, Franc," he scolded, accentuating his point by giving his ass a hard slap. "Did you forget what happens when you break one of Benji's rules?"

Franco groaned slightly, biting his lip, "I knew I would have too" he breathed back as he jumped slightly at the smack to his ass, "I didn't know there was a punishment linked to Benji's rules" he breathed, "What exactly did you have in mind?"

"You didn't know there was a punishment?" Benji cooed, rubbing Franco's ass gently before giving it another hard smack. "You broke a rule, so you obviously forgot who's in charge--" another hard smack--"and I can't have that, can I?" 

He pursed his lips in pseudothought for a moment as he rubbed Franc's ass again, then gave his a smile. "Mm, you're gonna give me a little show, Francie... You're gonna play with yourself for a while like a good little plaything, and then I'm gonna make sure you never forget who's in charge again."

Franco jumped and groaned with every hard slap, "For a man with one hand, you sure have a good slap on you" he hissed out. He listened to Benji's words, "You want me to jack myself off? Right here? In your lounge?" he asked, clarifying what he'd heard, "As if I don't know you are in charge" he breathed out.

"For starters," Benji confirmed with a grin. "You're gonna open yourself up for me too, Babe. And get me hard." He hummed, already palming himself over his pajama pants. "I want a good show too. I'm not afraid to call out demands, but I'd much rather watch you be a good little slut all on your own."

Franco moved backwards, resting his head on the arm of the sofa and tilted it, "Wait, I have to do all the hard work?" he asked, confusion on his face. Benji was always the dominant one and this was a new request, "Like you want me to what... finger myself?"

"Mhm," Benji hummed, palming himself as he watched Franco get into position. "C'mon, Babe. Give me a good show."

Franco groaned a little as he watched Benji palm himself and he nodded, removing his clothes, leaving him naked on the sofa. He bit his lip as he started to work his own cock with one hand and brought the other around too his whole, sucking his fingers first before starting to slowly play with himself, "Like this..." he breathed.

"Just like that," Benji praised, his cock already hardening from the sight. "Look at you, Franc... Playing with yourself for me just like I asked, being such a good little toy for me... Be honest, Babe. Do you like being my little toy?"

Franco wasn't normally one for playing with himself, sure he wanked but never like this. He found he got turned on by Benji's words and the fact Benji was enjoying this and soon enough he was rock hard, "Of course I do" he breathed, through his gritted teeth, "Always yours.... Always"

"That's it..." Benji whispered, his cock hard against his pajama pants. He sat up and slapped his boyfriend's ass. "Hands off your cock, Franc. Just focus on that hole," he whispered. "So hot, Baby... And all mine. I love it."

Franco jumped with the slap but nodded, removing his hand from his cock and starting to work his hole, "Fuck babe" he breathed out, "I ain't never done this to myself before" he breathed as he slowly inserted another finger.

"Such a greedy hole. Does it feel good, Babe? Tell me how it feels," Benji smirked, palming himself through his pajamas as he watched. "Mm... Get it nice and ready for me, Baby."

Franco continued going, arching his own back as he went, "Feels so fucking good" he moaned, one hand returning back to his cock, "So fucking good" he repeated, his head thrown back and biting on his lip

"Ah ah ah," Benji scolded, giving Franco's ass another slap before rubbing it gently as he continued. "No touching your cock. Be good and follow my instructions, Babe."

Franco groaned but moved his hand away and put it under his back, removing temptation as he continued to work his hole, "Fuck babe.... You know I'm a rule breaker".

"Don't forget who's in charge, Baby. You're not allowed to break my rules." Benji scolded lightly, finally pulling his pajamas down enough to reveal his cock. "Mm... you almost ready for me, Baby?" he purred, slowly jerking himself off.

Franco moaned, taking a deep breath as he continued to finger is hole, "Yeah and what happens if I break the rules babe" he breathed out as he watched Benji get his cock out, "I'm always ready for you babe".

Benji moved forward and pulled Franco into a deep kiss, intertwining his hand in Franco's hair. "I'm not gonna hold back, Baby," he whispered, turning Franco onto his stomach and starting to kiss his neck as he lined up his cock with his boyfriend's hole. "So tight," he whispered, thrusting inside.

Franco moaned as Benji gripped his hair and he turned with Benji easily, his chest now resting on the arm of the chair. As Benji lined up with his hole and thrust in, he let out a loud moan, his hands instantly reaching for his own cock and stroking it, not caring about the rules, "Yes, fuck Benj" he spoke out, almost lost in his moans.

Benji grabbed Franco's hair as he thrust into him again, using it as leverage as he found his rhythm. "Fucking take it," he groaned out, tugging at his hair with every thrust inside. When he saw Franc's hand go to his cock,  he let go of Franc's hair and gave his ass a hard slap. "Hands off, Babe," he growled, his pace never slowing.

Franco groaned harder as Benji thrusted into him and tugged on his hair, he loved his hair being pulled like that and it made him scream out a little, the screams becoming loud moans. He jumped slightly as he felt the slap and moved his hand away, bringing it up to the arm of the chair and resting his head on it to try and stop him going back, "Fuck babe, so fucking good" he moaned.

Benji moaned, biting down on Franco's shoulder as he sped up his thrusts, Franco's moans turning him on more than he could explain. "You're all mine, Baby," he groaned, pulling Franco's body closer for more leverage. "No one else's. All mine."

Franco groaned hard when Benji bit him, biting down on his own arm as the thrusts got faster and he was pullled into Benji a bit more, "Always yours" he breathed out, "Always fucking yours".

Benj kissed Franco's neck, leaving a line of hickeys down the side of it as he took his boyfriend's cock in his hand, slowly jerking it odd. "Wanna cum, Babe?" he purred, his thrusts never slowing. "You know what you have to do if you wanna cum, Francie."

Franco groaned with every mark left on his neck and then clenched his fist when Benji grabbed his cock, "Fuck" he breathed out, "Fuck Benji I wanna come so hard right now, please" he said, loudly knowing Benji liked him when he was loud

"Mm, so hot when you beg, Franc," Benji whispered, his eyes closing. "C'mon, Babe. Cum for me." He turned Franco's head and pulled him into a sloppy kiss, thrusting his hand faster as he did.

Franco threw his head back, giving Benji more access to kiss him as he gripped his hands together and moaned through his orgasm, cumming on Benji's hand, his whole body moving from catching his breath, "Fuck babe" he breathed out.

Benji groaned and thrust one more time before cumming, his hand falling to Franco's waist. "Fuck," he whispered, starting to catch his breath as he pulled out. "It's been weeks... I missed you so bad."

Franco moaned as Benji came and he turned back over to look at Benji properly, "I missed you too, so freaking much" he breathed, "I needed that baby".

Benji grabbed Franco's waist and pulled him so he was in Benji's lap. "I needed it too." He smiled, leaning in and giving him a kiss. "Mmm, I've never heard you moan that much. So, so hot, Baby."

Franco sat with Benji and smiled, "I don't know, it just felt so much more intense" he said. He knew why, he knew it was cause he was finally clean, "I... I enjoyed that babe".

Benji's smile went wide, giving Franc another kiss. "Well I'll have to write down what I did tonight. I definitely want more of that," he teased, running his good hand down Franco's body. "I'm glad you enjoyed it, Baby... So hot..."

Franco nodded, "Hmmm, you could do that to me all the freaking time and I wouldn't complain". He bit his lip and smiled at Benji, shivering slightly with the touch, "Hair pulling, lots more hair pulling"

"Noted," Benji replied, pulling Franco into a soft kiss. He pulled back and smiled up at his boyfriend, breaking into a soft laugh. "Wanna hop in the shower? ...And then we'll need to clean the sofa too."

Franco smiled and nodded, "I need a shower" he breathed, "But I ain't cleaning the sofa... I don't do cleaning" he said, pushing himself upwards.

Benji rolled his eyes, pulling at his pajamas until he looked something resembling presentable. "You pay no rent and you had just as much fun as I did. Enjoy the shower because as soon as you're out, you're helping me clean. We've got upholstery cleaner. It won't take that long."

[tammyhybrid21]

Words on Superheroes

Let’s talk about a trope that people like.

Or rather a concept that people like. Superheroes. Superheroes and superpowers. This comes more or less directly as a result of my brother constantly bursting into my room and discussing it... also as an aside, there’s also the face that Boku no Hero Academia is still somewhat popular. One Punch Man, and everyone still enjoys Marvel and DC so yeah.

Let’s talk about this.

Yeah, this...

So where do I begin... maybe with my own experiences with the trope... which y’know that’s always a good place to begin, whether or not it goes anywhere... so here I go. In my experience, superheroes are just one of those things that has crept into more or less everything... Or at least the concept of beings with otherworldly or otherwise alien/superpowers has crept into more or less everything. Whether it’s your typical super speed, telekinesis or super strength, or even flight, it’s hard to argue that it’s not something that we’re fascinated with.

So, what are my experiences with it...

Well, first off, let’s get the most awkward example out of the way... my Sonic Fandom days... Yes... you heard that right, Sonic Fandom. I uh... went through many phases while I was in Sonic... so you know that’s all good and cool, and...

But yeah.

I’d have to say that Sonic the Hedgehog and his fandom would be what first introduced me properly to the concept of characters with superpowers... before that I was vaguely aware of the superhero fandom, but not really interested in it or anything... I mean, sure there was Spiderman... but... anyway... let’s move onto why this is important...

Furries... And the Furry Fandom...

Yes, I cringe. I cringe because back in the day I was definitely on the fringes of it. Mainly with the Sonic Fandom, which was also where I got into the concept of superpowers, notably superpowered anthros. Because it seemed to be a fandom rule. If you had an OC, they had to have some kind of extra special ability. They couldn’t just be straight forwards...

Which lead to a slew of characters... and well, many of those characters are still around, albeit no longer as Sonic characters... rather... more... general anthro characters. And I’m not really going to talk too much about them... but it is something that I do need to mention... Especially since that’s a concept that I keep returning to in various different iterations as well.

And of course, there’re my surviving OCs who are still around and in use.

Notably, the Fox Triplets, Buziba, and Mana, yeah. Aside those guys, there’s Tony, Zeke, Tamara Alto, The entirety of the Solar and Luna Kingdoms, Vidiarka, Speedy & the rest of the Secret Freedom Fighters... and if I keep going I’m just going to end up with a giant list of characters who you’re going to have no way of decoding or understanding... all you people need to know really is... I have literally hundreds of characters from my Sonic Days...

And the majority of them have some sort of power or other oddity about them. Which alright... I can give my younger self kudos for creativity.

But that’s where I need to get to the point. In the context of the wider universe did it make sense to have over a hundred characters each with their own powers and abilities? Not really... Even as different and as varied as they are... it’s kind of ridiculous looking back that absolutely everyone seems to have some sort of ability...

And sometimes they couldn’t even use them.

Buziba with his telepathy/empathy and the inability to turn it off, Mana literally being time personified in the end... no literally, he was and still is. A small five year old known as the Son of Time... Weak in body, but in spirit and mind-- yeah not so much... And then there was Tai, the ten year old mutt with a “jinx”... And those are the simple ones...

“Simple”

Some like Tamara, my first OC, and kind of obvious self-insert was a bit more complicated with her electrokinesis that also gave her super speed and the ability to absorb electricity and withstand it... Of course I do vaguely recall that she had an upper limit of... I think it was around 50,000 watts? Maybe, I dunno, I can barely remember. And I apparently didn’t have it in her profile... So you know, that was a thing.

That was a thing...

I can’t find the full information on... Aside her, there was her cousin who was a pyrokinetic... and well, her squad of siblings. Who I can vaguely recall all had their own similar vein abilities. Runs in the family and all you know... her slightly younger brother was water, the twins were both earth, Freedom water... she was kind of the odd one out huh... then again fitting...

Of course, Sonic Fandom was also the fandom that spawned my habit of making young characters the most OP things ever--

Mana isn’t the only example of that...

There’s these guys.

These guys... known as the Emerald Children, or the personified Chaos Emeralds... and yes I still have them, and they still look like this. So I should probably give you the basic rundown... But that’s a bit... heh... kind of weird to think about... But for the basic of basic explanations each character had an assigned element and their name vaguely linked them to it.

Scintilla-Energy-Fennec Fox, Ignis-Fire-Chinese Dragon, Alchemy-Light-Gerbil, Hydro-Water-Bottlenose Dolphin, Noctis-Shadows-Honey Badger, Dust-Eartth-Mole and Aero-Air-Masked Owl

Pretty obvious and basic... and since they appeared as kids, of course they were going to be in the Chaos business. They’re kids... how could you expect them to be anything else? Also... I remember having a kind of logic behind their species... But I never really wrote down exactly what that logic was so...

All I’m going to be able to tell you is what their species even are... and before anyone asks... yes they are still those species, and they are still the personification of Chaos Children... Which is still a fun topic... but not one I’m going to get into...

Also these kids... along with Dino, and Inu existed long before Mana...

But you know... I’m not going to talk too much about that, since it’s not really relevant, aside the fact that yeah... really, really young characters with near godlike abilities... Each of them literally personified the element that they were associated with, along with the rest of the power of Chaos...

Which... you know... chaos in Sonic is a little bit ill defined... what even is it? Some kind of magic force, who knows.

It’s chaos we’ll leave it at that.

So... moving on from Sonic, the second fandom that really introduced me to Superheroes as a proper concept was Marvel. Which... actually happened because of a friend of mine. We had this whole concept, a whole story... A whole series actually planned regarding the Marvel universe...

And this is where things get... well weird. You see, I still have all the notes from that whole idea, and it was spawned with some help from the Superpower’s Wiki and the random generator. We both hit the randomize button, twice mind you.. and those were our powers...

If anyone asks, I’m not sure if I’ll answer what mine were but for a small hint of the endgame, the entire thing was to be called Unlikely Balance once it was all done and finished... why is this important...

Because this is where I started to think a hell of a lot more about the concept of powers and the world. At this time, I was still deeply into Sonic and the majority of my OCs were still getting random powers... Sometimes... rather literally.

You see, as a concept Unlikely Balance forced me to stop and actually ask some questions in regards to the world and the characters that we were using, particularly our main trio...

I mean, it was just the two of us who were going to Author it but...

Three main characters.

Genevive Stone/Vidal, Tamika Lore/Mortimer and Lachlan Garvin

And shit... 104 pages worth of discussion and ideas... which... wow... okay... looking at that is very, very intimidating. Especially with the understanding that it started as just us two playing around with the concept of us having powers and then kind of wondering, but what if...

Which lead to a buttload of discussion. And again, it was really the first time I had thought of powers beyond the small perspective of, a character with powers... Since the Marvel Universe really was quite extensive and wild... which meant that we had to figure some things out... especially in regards to how the characters met, whether they knew each other before and in the greater scheme of things what their powers meant...

Of course they begun as just... you know... kids. Kids who had to grow up...

They started the whole series as nine year olds, after all. Which meant we had to really factor in how having those abilities would affect those around them, and what protocols would be followed. How would their families treat them over the abilities and everything--

And I really don’t know if I would be able to really dig through a 104 page document to find all the most important details... Also, by the end it had shifted I remember, from being a Marvel story to potentially an original one... since all that we really needed were our main three characters and the plot.

There was a lot in there actually.

Politics, Laws and the ideas of what exactly is legal for a superhero, and the musings on Secret Identities... to a cult after our main trio because they had a greater destiny due to a time travel screw-up and paradox plot... which... wow-- what a detail to just remember right?

Also there was some stuff about growing up and dealing with that, because of course, they start as kids and the world has some lessons to show them. Which gets into the morality arguments of the whole issue.

Which were huge.

Morality.

Is it right for a superhero to kill, or what?

Which while I won’t go into too much detail... the whole issue is kind of hinted at with their names, along with their ultimate fates... which you know... I’m not going to spoil because there’s the hope that maybe we can or will finagle this into an actual story at some point... maybe.

Who knows?

I mean I sure don’t... right now it’s just a lot of discussion and chaos and well, you know. Needs a lot of sorting...

But on the topic of whether or not it was right to kill villains... well, the two main character’s had what I remember as being somewhat opposing views on death, and whether killing was alright... in fact it spawned a sub-plot where they have to deal with the whole issue... which is kind of funny when it comes down to it because the one who’s more... “morally upright” was the one who was more alright with killing and the one who killed first...

And isn’t that an issue.

But at the same time that’s a huge conflict right there... the plot of an entirely arc... Also I forgot how often a character dies and then comes back to life in this... which is another thing I suppose that I should touch on, but even in context it’s... weird.

Or tricky...

But you know, it was our loophole to deal with how often a superhero would die only to come back... and it was because of clones... Which you know, that’s a perfectly logical explanation one of the trio had the ability to make clones, and those clones would tie to the souls of them, so each time they died, they merely woke up in the body of one of the clones, keeping the experiences...

Which--

Which actually made their ages rather fuzzy if I’m going to be completely honest because the clones didn’t really age from the point that they were first made unless they were disconnected-- which also had a couple of clone villains involved and boy wasn’t that a whole huge mess...

I also don’t remember the order of events as clearly as I would like to-- I mean, I have each arc written but-- well that doesn’t matter as much.

But there was a lot of themes explored in that whole mess, because it wasn’t as simple as here are a bunch of characters with powers go. Unlike in the Sonic Fandom, where it was just... most people seem to have powers for one reason or another... or at least the majority of them do.

So we got into the whole, Mutants, Metas and Aliens-- which alright. There was also time-travel and the exploration of where these powers came from albeit only a base touch down. And since it was Marvel, you can bet we delved into what about the normal human population and all that.

It-- It was heavy.

But ultimately incomplete, and while that did delve into the darker side, it ultimately became just another story about growing up.

Just with superpowers.

Aside that there’s my... Lunia Series.

Which is actually funnily enough a bit of a BNHA story before Boku no Hero Academi-- what if, what if everyone in the world had powers? That was the entirety of the Lunia Series. And... there wasn’t actually all that much more to think about--

Oh

Wait

Actually

The Lunia Series started with one character, and one concept. Like legitimately it started with a character concept of someone with invisibility-- a character who struggled to be seen at all. I mean that was what I started with... and then came the royalty plot, and her “friend” Max-- it grew an awful lot.

And I mean a lot, there’s a whole series-- which actually means I need to stop and talk about this a little bit, because the Lunia Series was my first big project and one of the stories from it... well that was my first year’s NaNoWriMo story...

An absolute mess, I mean I definitely learnt from it... but the issue with that mess, was well-- I got to the word count and hadn’t even hit the first major climax in the story yet. Which okay fair, fair, guess it really was going to be a superhero story-- except Prophecy wasn’t.

It was a story set in the same universe, with another ton of wold-building and ideas like Unlikely Balance... but... You know...

I had a super, super vague idea of the plot for that...

guy writes a fake prophecy so he can run away from the throne, years and years later people are taking it seriously and they think that Ace is the prophecy child, No he's not, Ace decides he has to be and steps up into the role, Prophecy was never real letter found, Chaos, Wait but everything matches it, Ace continues to be Prophecy child... and eventually Rules the country because ??? that's what the prophecy was about...

But beyond that I never had too much of a plot direction it was just Chosen One, Unchosen One, wait he is the real Chosen One playing around with... And a lot of symbolism and doubt and family is super important... with some crossdressing for plot!

Which didn’t translate the best into an actual plot. But it did have so many concepts that I really want to come back to. Because wow, I loved these characters, still love these characters...

But those two stories. Invisibility and Prophecy weren’t the only ones set in that series-- and warning for a specific plotline, regarding Rape and Rape Tropes, but there was a third story called Survivor that I still have the plans for. And this one is where the morals of a society based around superpowers really came into play.

With a lot of questions over self and what constitutes as a crime, and how willing is willing and it was a huge mess. Because some powers muddy the lines, and there’s a huge question in regards to consent and choice...

Which you know, I guess that was something. Also a lot more on the topic of heroes and villains since it was set in a different country from either of the ones that were featured in Invisibility or Prophecy... which actually crossed over a lot closer than one would expect since Tecusa(Invisibility’s Protag) ended up receiving refugees from Dená in the story, refugees that were featured fleeing in Prophecy-- among other crossovers regarding the news and developments in both countries...

And then there was Survivor which was the most set aside of the three.

Taking place in a more traditional Heroes verses Villains setting because that was the way that country was laid out. Nitida, the country of heroes and villains. Set apart from the rest of Lunia by their constant chaos due to that culture... much, much more comic book here--

And then the main character was a rape victim...

Which ahhh... yeah. That was also where I hit that phase, toot toot here come the characters I designed from more or less pure spite because I hated how certain tropes were used and overused... so... I ended up with quite a few character’s who’re kind of-- well.

And no, this isn’t Buziba. Although he falls into the same category. This character was Benjamin “Ben” Chandler... And looking back over my notes... A transboy who’s family accepted him, which alright. Guess younger me had more than a few reasons for why things were happening, but it’s still really, really, really bad.

The execution could always be better.

But that’s why Survivor existed.

To explore those darker things. The crimes that happen, and people don’t want to acknowledge. And Benjamin is a more egregious example, I’ll be real. He’s... not a good character in hindsight, but hey A++ for learning...

Buziba’s a much better character in general and his backstory for it all makes, more sense. But at the same time, I’m not going to lie. My wild boy definitely has more than a few rough spots in his backstory and character that make him something of a cliché/stereotype for this... or at the least, that make the one doing this to him such.

I mean... LOOK AT THIS BOY!

Anyway... Ben did explore another side of the world... and I’m going to leave it at that because honestly. Not much more, to say...

So let’s get into the part of the whole superhero plot that people probably really want to know about, more than stories and themes-- powers.

And what ones I think are more, or less useful. More or less scary. Which ones are the most surprisingly dangerous? Surprisingly tame?

And this--

This is tricky

It really is. Like there are honestly a few powers that no matter what they’re kind of lame, like glowing, but there are others that seem useless, but can be downright terrifying when used in the right, or wrong way. There are some that are just unchanging, and then there are some that sound interesting but always get used in such route and predictable ways...

And then there are the powers that tumblr has gotten it’s claws into and turned into something of pure nightmare fuel by making you stop and think of the greater implications that they imply and the domino affects that they would have. It all matters. It all comes tumbling down. Thankyou tumblr.

But seriously, think about this--

Think about it--

Because how many, how many of these powers have required secondary abilities? If you turn invisible you have to have some other way of seeing things to be able to operate and function in the world to actually be able to live. Super strength and speed both require extra resilience. A healing factor is pretty much required for most powers, by default.

But seriously, how often do people think of these things...

Or the side-effects of healing either...

Aside what Boku no Hero Academia has been doing. Which you know that’s a first, we don’t see the consequences so much. And it messing up your natural healing, that’s good. Really good and interesting. Also... anyone else-- anyone else just generally freaked out by healers in general. You never know exactly where their healing comes from.

Positive or negative.

Also... those who know how to put you back together... typically also know the best way to tear you apart and to absolute shreds. So... you know, fear the healer.

No seriously. Fear. The. Healer.

Fear them.

I want more dangerous healers. Personally, I love my villain healers, villain doctors. Because wow. Break you and remake you. But whatever you know.

I mean, aside that, there’s also that one tumblr post about probability manipulation and wow, wow does that get scary when played a slight bit darker.  But seriously, the general rule for this is really-- really down to creativity. How creative can you be with the powers nothing more nothing less.

I mean I even discussed it with a friend regarding fixing the Power of Three arc in the Warrior Cats series...

Which you know, there is a way to fix that. Although that’s an old cup and in general for Warriors I never got past the first arc and Firestar’s quest so most of what I know is generally, what the fandom puts out more or less... but then I’m the same with most of Naruto because the protagonist just rubs me the wrong way.

But he’s a good example of flaws in a system and disabilities and just... ultimately I don’t know...

But if anyone’s curious about fixing the Three... well, a small thing is it’s kind of spoilers for the vague, extremely vague plan I have regarding my Unbound Unleashed series following Tinderkit-- still, a small hint is the thematics of Mind-Body-Spirit... so do with that information as you will.

Also on that note, special abilities in Warrior Cats in general is an interesting concept, because aside communication with Starclan there is the concept of prophecies and seers, although that’s another pile of prey that I’ll have to get into some other time--

Maybe when my Warrior Cats muse actually returns.

So yeah...

I think that’s all I can really say on superpowers. There’s a lot to say, but I don’t really have much that I can cohesively piece together when I’m just kind of gushing and babbling to fill up my word count for NaNoWriMo, since this month is meant to be vent... so...

Yeah, done.

[em-ajor]

Overcoming Composer’s Block for Young Composers

Alright this is probably gonna be a long one but I figured if I post some advice to other young composers, (and honestly, a lot of this applies to artists in general to some capacity) I’ll be more compelled to follow it myself.

   Composer’s block is a bitch. It can make you feel completely inadequate, no matter how much successful music you’ve composed in the past, and it can throw you into a cycle of being overly critical of the things you do write. This usually just makes it worse.

    In this post I’m going to address the root causes of different kinds of composer’s block and how to get to the bottom of it, as well as some tips and tricks for how to get your creativity flowing again.

   Usually, composer’s block is really just you making excuses about why the things you’re writing won’t work, or why you can’t use them. Unnecessary filters, if you will. I’m literally still in high school, so the most common source for me is varying kinds of imposter syndrome. First let’s break down what imposter syndrome can look like:

 It almost always comes down to the phrase: “I’m not a real composer, because....”

1) “Because I don’t even [insert some qualification you think you should have to be a real composer]”

 Maybe it’s that you can’t actually play the instrument you’re writing for as well as you feel you should, or that you don’t play it at all. Maybe it’s because you feel like all your music sounds the same. Maybe it’s because you don’t compose using the method that you think “real composers” use. (Ex: you think “real composers” should just compose using a pencil and paper or by sitting with their instrument, whereas you have trouble getting anything that sounds good when you’re not using a notation software to create your music.)

     I can guarantee that there’s a very accomplished composer somewhere out there that breaks whatever imaginary “rule” you’ve set for yourself. Even if you don’t know it. Even the most successful composers likely don’t always feel like “real” composers either, and everyone has a different process and style. That’s the thing. No one is a “real” composer because there’s no such thing as “real” and “fake” composers. There’s no magical secret or enlightenment that suddenly makes you successful and worthy of being taken seriously. This applies to every artist. You just kinda have to make your way up the food chain by just... creating as much stuff as possible, seeking out opportunities even when you don’t think you’re worthy or “good enough” for them (we’ll get to that in a minute) and persevering. People may have more experience and musical knowledge than you, sure, but there’s always someone out there that has more experience than them, too. And as far as the actual process of creating music, no one, not even the best composer, always feels like they know what they’re doing any more than you do. Everyone is an “imposter” because if everyone knew some universal secret to becoming a “real” composer, everyone’s music would sound the same. Remembering this usually helps me to realize that these “filters” I put my creative process through aren’t helpful and that I’m holding myself back.

 2) “Because people are overestimating my abilities as a composer. I don’t deserve this [insert position/task you’ve been given] and I’m going to let people down and they’ll see that I was fake all along”

   There’s a reason you’ve been given this position. Think of what that reason is. Chances are you’ll immediately want to find an excuse to discredit it: “Well they heard my best piece but I could never write anything that good again,” or “they know I compose but they’ve never actually heard my work. They just assumed I was good and I accidentally oversold myself.” There’s still value in both those reasons, even if some parts of those negative thoughts might be true. If they heard your best piece and thought it was worthy, obviously you’ve proven that you’re capable of writing good music, which means you can do it again. Plus, no successful composer performs the crappy music they threw out. Remember that every composer writes bad music sometimes, you just don’t get to hear it.             .  

    If they’ve never heard your work before but they know you compose music, they are interested in seeing what you will create and likely aren’t expecting you to be perfect anyhow. Someone had enough faith in you to give you this task, and you don’t know whether you’re able to do it unless you try. Let your music speak for itself and you’ll likely be surprised at how it’s received by others. If nothing else, by continuing to create music and step out of your comfort zone, you’re learning. There is a lot of value in that alone. An opportunity where you didn’t quite meet your expectations or those of others, but still learned something, is never a wasted opportunity.

 3) “Because I like this music but it’s too simple/cliché/[insert other elitist concept] for real musicians/critics to take seriously”

      In this era of modern music, of dissonance, and of new, avant-garde, and frankly, sometimes pretentious music, it’s easy to feel like your style has gone out of fashion already or that you simply can’t compete with the complexity of today’s work. To this, I say screw it. Take it from someone who actually had a critic condescendingly tear apart my first piece to ever be properly performed for being too “traditional”. Throw that rhetoric right in the trash where it belongs. Musical styles and concepts go in and out of fashion the same way clothes do. Remember that the style of an era is defined by the music written in that era, and NOT the other way around. Are you writing music? Do you exist currently in what we consider to be the modern era? Congratulations, you’re writing modern music. I know, I know, you’re all saying: “Okay sure, Emily, but the industry doesn’t think that way, and my having that mindset won’t make people take my music any more seriously.” Here’s a little known fact: the Baroque era’s music usually had a “mood” intended by the composer, contrary to the popular belief that it was purely mathematical. Vivaldi’s Four Seasons were inspired by sonnets and the works are also known as “The Contest Between Harmony and Invention.” It was actually the Classical era that saw this concept go out of fashion, when music was not supposed to mean anything, portray emotion of any sort, or be linked to any form of expression. The idea that music conveyed meaning was scrapped in the classical era, only to be brought back again twofold in the romantic era. All this to say, styles come and go, and YOU are part of the force that dictates those styles.

   There was once a brilliant composer whose music was said by critics to be too “old fashioned,” simply a fad that would eventually be forgotten. This composer was Sergei Rachmaninoff, who lived from 1873-1943, around the same time as Scriabin (1871-1915) and Shönberg (1874-1951.) Many people are a little shocked by this juxtaposition, and by the stark difference between the music of the latter two composers and that of Rachmaninoff.  People didn’t take him seriously during his career, but now he is hailed as one of the greats. This proves that a composer’s passion shows through their music, no matter whether or not it conforms to the stylistic norms of the era, and that complexity and novelty for their own sake don’t mean anything if the integrity of the composer/music are sacrificed to achieve those things.

  Now that we’ve discussed some of the ways that young composers often sabotage their own work with pre-conceived ideas of how their music should be created, let’s talk about some strategies to get back into the “flow” after having addressed the root of the block. This can be especially stressful if you’re on a time crunch and you’re worried about meeting your deadline.

Get the cake out of the oven before you start decorating it.

That’s to say, don’t sweat the small things like entering lyrics, dynamics and slurs until you’ve at least hashed out an idea for your work. This can even just be a melody line or a chord progression, but it’s always better to work in layers than to just work “horizontally” (”horizontally” meaning making sure each measure is perfect and polished before moving onto the next.) Working horizontally almost ALWAYS disrupts the creative flow, especially if you get yourself on a roll. You can even get away with leaving a couple blank measures here and there if you have point A and you know what you want point C to sound like, but aren’t sure how to get there yet. If you worry too much about point B right away, you might end up sacrificing a really good idea you had for later on in your piece just for the sake of one or two measures. An added benefit to this strategy is that maybe, once you come back to it, your point B (as we’re calling it for the sake of this explanation) will end up morphing into a whole new section of your piece. If you feel like that’s even better and it should replace the idea you were originally making your way to, then at least you know you tried both and liked this idea better.

     2. Take what you have apart and put it back together again.

 Focus on one aspect and see where you can take that aspect alone. Maybe it’s tapping out your rhythm over and over again, or isolating a single instrument or motif. Maybe it’s reading through your lyrics with different intonation. With lyrics, I find it helps to copy-paste them into a document and take out the “lines” to make it one big paragraph. (Leave any punctuation that would naturally be there anyways, of course.) This can help you bypass the boring and often repetitive rhythm that usually comes with poems in order to discover new and more interesting ways of phrasing things. Often, this approach even makes more sense because you can let the natural rhythm of the words shine through instead of forcing yourself into a rigid pattern.

       3. Don’t get “stuck” on one idea.

  Sometimes you have a really cool idea in theory but it just doesn’t work out on paper. I’ve been guilty of shoving my cool  ideas into my music by whatever means necessary, often sacrificing literally everything else. It never works, trust me. Just because Bach can have a four part stretto and somehow make it perfectly seamless, it doesn’t mean you have to. In fact, as a matter of personal opinion, I think that music should be appreciated for how it sounds first and foremost, and then it should be appreciated for its technical value and craftsmanship. That’s just me, but regardless, being able to let go of ideas that just don’t work is a great skill to have. (It’s harder than it seems, too, especially if you’re an idea/concept-oriented person like me.) Plus, who knows? Maybe this particular piece just isn’t the right place for that awesome idea and you’ll be able to recycle it later.

Finally, stay true to your vision, no matter what. In an industry like this, where even the most well known modern composers are sometimes struggling financially, it’s easy to sell out. However, it’s important to remember that each composer’s unique vision is what makes the musical world so diverse and interesting. If your vision doesn’t fit into today’s mould, be a trailblazer, and never shy away from something you’re excited about because you think people won’t be ready for it. The music people aren’t ready for can often be the most ground-breaking

[dennou-translations]

In honor of the seventh anniversary, for nostalgia’s sake, I decided to post a translation of the first Mekakucity Actors radio broadcast, which features Shintarou and Ene. It doesn’t seem like they’ll ever be made into a CD or anything like it (though I’m still praying otherwise). If it happens, I’ll include a link for their purchase in these posts.

All Broadcasts || Next →

Ene: Master… the anime has ended, huh?

Shintarou: Yeah… It’s been a year since then, hasn’t it?

(T/N: For those who didn’t know, yes, the radio is from 2015)

Ene: Uurgh… You’ve completely returned to being a NEET, haven’t you, Master? Aren’t you getting lax now that the anime is over?!

Shintarou: That’s not true! The novel and the manga are being published, so I’d been doing my best at a lot of stuff!

Ene: Rather than saying you were doing your best, Master, it was only the adults around you who did so. Master… I’ve felt something in this year’s time.

Shintarou: What is it?

Ene: Hasn’t the number of people who cosplay us decreased in events!? We’re no longer that popular!

Shintarou: Ugh!? What’d you say…?? W-We are… already… at that point?!

Ene: It’s already been a year since the anime ended. Trends also quickly become obsolete. We’re being forgotten little by little!!

Shintarou: N-No way…!

Ene: That’s why~… I have thought something out, Master! We’ve gone through music, novelization, comicalization, anime and other forms of expansion, but there’s still something we haven’t yet done, right?

Shintarou: Uh? Eh? “Something we haven’t yet done”…?

Ene: Uhuhu! It’s that thing. That thing!

Shintarou: “That thing”…?! Could it be… you mean that—

Ene: Exactly~! To tell the truth, I’ve already made the preparations!

Shintarou: Alright! I won’t say gloomy things anymore!

Ene: Anyhow, Master, let’s try saying it!

Shintarou/Ene: Mekakushi Radio!

Ene: Ladies and gentlemen! You, the few millions of anime fans in the whole nation! Are you awakeee!?! I’m Mekakushi-dan number 6, the super ultra cybernetic idol, DJ Ene-chan! Yaaay~!! Okay, Master, your self-introduction!

Shintarou: Aight, I’m here!! Whoever called, this is the HikiNEET nice guy in red jersey! If nothing else, the rampant, heart-clenching Kisaragi Shintarou… HAS ARRIVED!!!

Ene: A-Ah? Master, have you started cyclism or something? Were you that kind of character?

Shintarou: Uh?? “Character”? Oooh, that’s right, that’s right. Come to think of it, I was supposed to be a leveled character.

Ene: No, rather than “leveled”, you were more like a basic character…! Well, there’s no helping it, right? Since it’s been a year after the anime’s end, it’s normal that your character would break…

Shintarou: Das true~

Ene: SEE, IT’S BREAKING AGAIN!! Are you fine with this, Master?! If it keeps breaking like that, you’ll be obliviated from everyone’s memories!!

Shintarou: HIIIH!! Anythin’ but zat! What do I do?!

Ene: This is precisely what the RA-DI-O is for! If you don’t want to be forgotten, you have no choice but show appeal!

Shintarou: Yer right! So, what am I supposed ta do?

Ene: Ah. I didn’t think that far, you see. What do you want to do? Should we play shiritori or something of the sort?

Shintarou: I’m not doing it! You didn’t think of anything?!

Ene: Aha~! Ah, Master, hasn’t your character just returned? This is the deal! It is the most important catch in order to show the appeal of our existence!!

Shintarou: Oh, t-that’s right! Okay, let’s introduce ourselves at a fast pace just like this!

Ene: Yes, yes! Well, then~… firstly, for the sake of having everyone know about us, Master shall break a leg~!

Shintarou: Eh?! M-M-Me?? W-W-W-W-W-What should I do?

Ene: Huuum… I’d like to ask Master’s marvelous brain… for starters, what is the “Kagerou Project”?

Shintarou: *sigh* What’s with you? You don’t know even that? There’s… music and the like, or something. For example, this.

[Kagerou Days starts playing]

Shintarou: See? It’s this.

Ene: Eh? A truck…? What is this? Is it a story about a carrier or whatever?

Shintarou: That’s not it! Uuuh… Ah, right. There was this too…

[Lost Time Memory starts playing]

Shintarou: This is it.

Ene: Aha~! So it’s a story about a boy who goes to get his truck driver license after turning eighteen, isn’t it? I see~!

Shintarou: I said that’s not it! Besides, for medium-sized vehicles, one has to wait two years after having gotten their normal license. I am… pretty knowledgeable.

Ene: I don’t need this kind of trivia! More importantly, we’re short on time, so isn’t there an easier topic? What’s “Kagerou Project”? Is it completed?? WHAT’S GOING ON IN IT NOW?!?

[Otsukimi Recital starts playing, right at the verse “I don’t know what’s going on”]

Ene: Aaah, man! Please do it seriously! Speaking of which, Master… the one currently playing is an insert song from the anime “Mekakucity Actors”, isn’t it?

Shintarou: That’s right! It was in the soundtrack album that comprises several insert songs and BGMs, Mekakucity M’s, which was sold in April 1st!

Ene: Aaah~! I want it~! Uh… Master… somehow, I’ve started to feel like “what are we even doing”…

Shintarou: Egh… D-Don’t say it… Let’s do our best…! *clears throat* All right. Well, with this, haven’t we more or less been able to introduce “Kagerou Project”?

Ene: U-Uhn… I wonder… I sort of have the feeling that we weren’t able to do so at all… Aah, by the way, this broadcast will be aired next week too! That’s why we’ll also be able to show our appeal next week too!!

Shintarou: Seriously?! Thankies~!

Ene: Hey, how long will your character keep breaking!? Please get a grip!!

Shintarou: But still, what will we do next week? Our propaganda has ended. We’ve already made ourselves known.

Ene: That’s true… Ah! Should we request for assistance or something? Through Twitter or something!

Shintarou: Ooh. That’s radio-like, so isn’t it fine? The so-called “hashtag”, right? The one that has the letter “i” of “ID”.

Ene: “‘I’ of ‘ID’”…? Ah. Are you referring to the “like” button…?

(T/N: The “like” button in Japanese reads as “ii”, pronounced “ee”)

Shintarou: I knew. That was on purpose. It’s not like I wasn’t aware.

Ene: I-Is that sooo…? Then, let’s make lots of corners! I wanna do a corner like “I don’t want a Mekakushi-dan like this”~!

Shintarou: What is considered unpleasant depends on each person, right? Isn’t there no reason for that?

Ene: Ueh? Oh, a-ah… Erm, th-thennn… let’s see… ah! Come to think of it, isn’t it new season time~? How about we make the theme of the first assistance request as “New Season, New Members of Society”?

Shintarou: Oh, that’s good.

Ene: It is, it is! By the way, Master, what would you write for the theme “New Season, New Members of Society”?

Shintarou: Let’s see… I… quit school, and wasn’t able to become a member of society… Speaking of which, I wonder what my Mom thinks of me… I have never thought about i—

Ene: AAAH!! Let’s drop it already! Let’s drop this theme already! Also, Master, you decide it!!

Shintarou: Me?! Uuuhn… Actually, isn’t it okay to just have a questions corner? With a feeling like “anyone who wants to ask anything about us can send fan letters”.

Ene: Ah~! That’s simple, so it’s good, huh?

Shintarou: Well, though this isn’t a livestream, so we only read them a little later, on the next week.

Ene: Aren’t there people who would be fine with this and contribute anyways~? It would all be broadcasted the following week!

Shintarou: It’s settled, so everyone, use the hashtag “MekakushiRadio” and tweet them! “MekakushiRadio” should be written in katakana. We’re counting on you!

[Days starts playing]

Ene: Oh? Looks like the end is nearing.

Shintarou: Haah… It’s finally over? This was tiring… Aah, by the way, was it okay like this?

Ene: No, really, my apologies to everyone listening to the ending song! I’m sorry for abruptly hacking a cultural broadcast~!

Shintarou: Hey, why are you so apologetic out of the blue? Eh, also, this was hacking?!

Ene: Ah? Didn’t I tell you? Well, we have to admit our wrongdoings at least at the end. This is important… for sponsors and the like.

Shintarou: You’re so shrewd…

Ene: Anyway, everyone! Thank you very much for sticking with the HikiNEET and the hardly understandable virtual girl who have made an appearance so suddenly! We’re counting on you next week as well~!!

Shintarou: Heck… Make sure to properly think about what we should do next week.

Ene: E-Everything is fine~! If anything happens, well, the people in charge or whomever will do something about it! Either way, let’s do our best the following week too! So that our existence won’t be forgotten!!

Shintarou: Yeah, yeah.

Ene: That being said, these were Mekakushi-dan member number 6, Ene-chan, and…

Shintarou: …ah, member number 7, Shintarou.

Ene/Shintarou: Till next time~