#PLEASE ITS SO EASY AND IT MAKES OLDER GAMES MUCH MORE ACCESSIBLE

[uesp]

hi! i saw the guide to make sure Skyrim doesnt update, and i have to thank you very much for that!

unfortunately, im running out of space on my pc and have to get uninstall skyrim and all my mods. is there any way to guarantee that, if i ever reinstall, it wont install the lastest version?

i really dont care about having the latest version even months from now, i just wanna make sure ill have an easy time getting mods back when i do reinstall

thanks for any and all help!

I'm not aware if you can prevent a fresh install from being the latest version (my assumption is no, but if anyone knows more please feel free to add on your knowledge), but you can downgrade to any previous version. And here is an older guide I've written on how to do this for Starfield, but the general instructions on how to do this are the same:

How to Revert Updates on Steam

There may be times where you wish to revert an update. For example, there may be mod conflicts from an update, the update may have caused unintended issues for your save, or you may simply wish to experience an earlier version of the game again. Doing so simply requires you to replace the updated files with their earlier version, and disable future updates until you wish to progress to the updated version. However, this will require more work unless you regularly backup your game files. Also, you will likely want to back your game files before you attempt to revert to an earlier version.

It is possible to download the necessary files to downgrade your game version from Steam. First you will need to access the steam console. Using the Run program on Windows and input:

steam://open/console

This will open a normally hidden tab of the Steam browser, the Console tab. At the bottom of the page will be a command line. The general format for the command is:

download_depot [App ID] [Depot ID] [Manifest ID]

For Starfield, the App ID is 1716740, and the Depot ID for the updates is 1716741. The Manifest ID is for the specific patch you wish to download. The Manifest IDs are documented on SteamDB. For example, at time of writing they currently are 4447793252473787578, 8383043874900915235, and 3276175983502685135. If you wanted version 1.7.29, you would input:

download_depot 1716740 1716741 8383043874900915235

If you wanted the files for the initial release, you would input the command:

download_depot 1716740 1716741 4447793252473787578

Once the command is inputted, Steam will download the depot. You will be able to tell it worked by this appearing in the console log after your command (this example being for the initial release of the game):

Downloading depot 1716741 (27 MB) ...

Followed by:

Depot download complete : "[Steam Download Path]Steam\steamapps\content\app_1716740\depot_1716741" (21 files, manifest 4447793252473787578)

Note that the exact location of your download location will change depending on where you installed Steam, but as the log helpfully tells you where that is it should not be hard to find. Go to the folder listed there, and extract its contents to your Starfield install location. Replace all files with the files from the depot, and you will have successfully reverted to a previous version of the game. When you start the game, it will be this earlier version once more.

Keep in mind that reverting to a previous version on a save that was created on a more recent version is likely to cause issues, if it works at all.

[cipheralreviews]

Game Review: Tetris Effect: Connected

General opinion: Positive.

Tetris Effect: Connected is, obviously, a tetris game, with a modern graphical twist. It has classic and VR modes, both of which have their own pros and cons, but are also both worth checking out if you have the ability to. With several different modes, Tetris Effect: Connected offers a lot of different styles of gameplay for varying skill levels.

Starting off, I want to give the game devs credit where credit is due: this game absolutely slaps for it's visuals. A tetris game in the Unreal engine is certainly a choice to make, and they pulled it off really well. Sparkly particles, glowing animations, and surreal visual effects bring a magical experience to a classic arcade game, no matter if you play it in VR or on your screen.

It has both a main campaign where you play through different levels in a story-like sequence, as well as other, more casual AND more intense gameplay options. Marathon modes through themed levels, gimmick modes where you clear "corrupted" blocks or deal with mind boggling effects, and calm modes where you have no game over are all available to play, giving variety for any kind of player.

On top of this, they have colourblind modes of various kinds for the game stages themselves. You can play with classic colours, custom level patterns, or modes that add patterns and colours that make it easier to distinguish the blocks from each other. There's also multiple difficulty levels, ranging from beginner to hard, so you can adjust how many lines you want to clear per level.

The final point I want to praise is the audio experience. It's amazing. There's unique, original tracks made for the game, and the "title song" (used colloquially because it's not actually the title screen song, but it is the one from the first level in the story mode) is ABSOLUTELY incredible in my opinion. Heavy beats that are influenced by the ways you turn, flip, and drop blocks paired with each level having individual themes to them that inspire and match the music playing make it both engaging as well as good to listen to on its own.

And now the negatives...

One major issue I have with this game is that the story mode does not have options for speed, nor do they have a "no game over" setting. This means people like myself, who have visual processing issues as well as mobility issues, have a harder time clearing levels and unlocking the next theme in line. Some levels have rapid speed ups and slow downs that are a bit jarring, and while I understand the fact they might not be able to give the option to not change the speed, I'd have really liked if they'd given an option to have no deaths. It meant, for me, that I got stuck on several levels that I otherwise would have really enjoyed because they went from speed level 3 to speed level 8 or higher all within one lines difference. Having this option for the story mode would have improved the experience immensely for me, as I'm still stuck on the last level in the easy mode.

The only other thing I'd add as a problem is that if you're photosensitive, it could get painful very fast, especially in VR mode. They do have options to turn down or off particles, change graphics settings, etc. but that doesn't change the fact that there are strobing lights on some levels that you cannot turn off.

The above limits the people I can truly recommend the game to, which is genuinely unfortunate, because I know several people who would LOVE this game, if it had the accessibility features mentioned.

Final notes

Overall, it's a great game that brings a really nice, fresh twist on a game that's a decade older than I am. It really justifies itself as an iteration of tetris, much like Jacob Geller has said.

If you liked this review, please go and check out Jacob Geller's video Tetris Effect And Other Games With Immaculate Vibes! It's the video that introduced me to this game, and he makes some really interesting observations on tetris and marble games, and how they interact with their history.

Additionally, I post these in my free time, but if anyone has movie, game, or series recommendations, please feel free to send them in! I really do love reviewing media, and if I can turn this into an actual job it would be incredible.

[dirtcube]

The great fabric vs forge ramble

two people want to hear my ramblings im going to ramble now.

Essentially, my main thoughts about forge and fabric is that they’re two modloaders for entirely different audiences of minecraft playstyle. I’m speaking from the perspective of someone who’s been playing minecraft since the indev versions, and thus a lot... a lot of hours playing modded minecraft.

Putting this under a readmore because it became really long lmao

From my experience with making modpacks for my friends and digging through pages upon pages of fabric mods, Fabric is GREAT for general-audiences type packs. There is rarely anything very complex in there. Almost every fabric mod is easy to understand and get into. There’s very little truly gameplay changing mods, save for some outliers that have recently sprung up/been ported from forge. If I have to mention the biggest gameplay changing mods for fabric, that was native to fabric, i’d have to say tech reborn, bewitchment, and origins are the ones that immediately come to mind. 

This makes fabric, as I mentioned, great for general audiences type gameplay. Vanilla+. Friendly for your-average-streamer server and for anyone that wants to play modded with their friends that aren’t as familiar with the game. It’s the people pleaser modloader, because nearly all mods will have people generally go “yeah I like that.” You won’t have people fighting over a selection in your modpack you made for your little server. And that isn’t bad! It’s very good that we have a much more accessible modloader and library of mods.

But by god is it boring and disappointing sometimes to go through curseforge’s fabric category and see vanilla+ upon vanilla+ mod. “More decorative blocks”, “more furniture”, “more mobs”, “QOL tweaks”, “dimension mod that is essentially an excuse to add new blocks and mobs and nothing else”, “biome overhaul/biome mod”. 

Want to find a magic mod? Tough shit. You get incredibly, incredibly basic magic mods. Or, you get things entirely unbalanced for multiplayer. Or its literally just “here’s another new oretype past netherite thats OP as hell and doesn’t’ actually change gameplay.”. It’s like people don’t know how to make mods that aren’t just decorative or making the player overpowered.

And then you look at Forge, and you see the wild shit that they have going on there. And I know that a part of it is that forge has been around for much longer and thus has a lot more experienced devs on it that can do crazy shit, but there’s still that part of me that’s just sad.

From thaumcraft to electroblob’s wizardry, we just don’t see this in fabric.  Except for this guy trying to bring thaumcraft over to fabric as practice big props to this guy me and my friends are quietly cheering him on.

Moving on- Forge is the modloader for people who want complexity in their gameplay. Who want a different gameplay experience from vanilla.

Forge is for experienced players, and focused groups. Forge is generally, not great for easy youtube or stream content, nor is it good for pleasing a general audience. It’s not great for servers that have varying skill levels of play, because by adding complex content (and often difficulty enhancing) mods you alienate the players that aren’t as good at the game. This doesn’t make forge worse, however, but it makes it visibly different when you’re looking to mod your game. 

Now, to talk about the elephant in the room, forge is perpetually stuck at 1.12 for the most part. There’s some movement and there’s some newer ones at 1.18 and 1.19, but a majority of known forge mods are for 1.12 and below. This further adds to the feeling that forge is for experienced players that seek gameplay different from vanilla, because those kinds of players would mind the older versions a lot less compared to someone who is less experienced and thus wouldn’t be so inclined to seek gameplay that differs from vanilla- because they haven’t experienced vanilla as much!

When you look at the repertoire of forge modpacks and forge mods, so many of them are big, gameplay changing mods, and nearly all forge modpacks make sure to include them too, meaning that you are stuck at older versions. 

Now, back in the day I didn’t mind this very much as I primarily played singleplayer. But now that I mainly play multiplayer with my friends, this is painfully noticeable. My friends dont’ want to play older versions! And that’s perfectly understandable. But that means we’re forced to stick to fabric, because ultimately fabric has the most mods for latest and updates the fastest, and they prefer being on latest! And honestly I don’t want to play on older  versions all the time too because certain recent updates sure were good!! And there’s no way to play on latest *and* have those gameplay changing mods that would make my gameplay more interesting *while* having the latest update on.

And I think that’s really just the main point of that whole debate. Forge players would love to update, but they can’t because of how slow it all is. And that’s not the fault of the forge modders or the modloader, because development teams all work differently. And telling them to move to fabric isn’t going to cut it, because fabric lacks the things they want, and being told to move to fabric and abandon the things you like and care about because “fabric is better” when it does not fulfil the things you want in a modded game is annoying, and shows a lack of understanding of why they even play those older versions and mods in the first place.

The weird war between forge and fabric is not because one is inherently better than the other, its because people don’t understand that one does not appeal to the other because it’s lacking what the former had.

And SURE. Fabric has a great repertoire of mods, but as I mentioned before- A majority of it is vanilla+. And if you’re a years-long forge player with the wildest and most complex modpacks, vanilla+ wont make you happy no matter how many of those mods are there.

That’s essentially the end of my ramblings. Hope it was comprehensible at any point lmao.

[astrologyartandcinema]

Mercury Pluto Aspects

Taken from the Late, Great and disabled Astro Arena, not my original work but impossible to find on the web these days. If anyone knows if the former owner of the Astro Arena blog has a Tumblr or link I can give credit to please DM or comment. I haven't been able to access their writing in many years and any information on where to access it would be appreciated.

I wish to look in detail at the Mercury – Pluto combination, which in keeping with allapplications of Pluto evinces a range of difficult effects, most especially because until the behaviour is recognised and reconciled it creates a compulsion, which will be especially uncomfortable for the subject. Inevitably this difficulty and discomfort will affect important relationships too and ultimately – as with any Plutonic contact – the aspect must be transformed to prevent it becoming ultimately destructive. Aspects to Pluto from any of the personal planets are profoundly problematical, but as ever, the first and most effective step on the path to cure must be to recognise the behaviours and take responsibility for them. Owning up to our Plutonic compulsions, shining light upon them – uncomfortable though it may be – is often powerfully effective in transforming them: indeed, in many cases an “instant cure” is entirely possible.

Mercury Pluto, in keeping with other applications of Lord Hades deals with hidden, sinister and subtle aspects of communication and of course the mental processes that underpin them. Indeed, the entire arena of interpersonal communications is fraught for Mercury – Pluto, usually because of an early childhood that is characterised by difficulty, cruelty or power-games in communication matters. We shall explore these causal themes in the ensuing discussion, but first I would like to examine some of the specific effects.

Mercury Pluto is the aspectual manifestation of Mercury in Scorpio, which is renowned for being either verbose or rather monosyllabic. This implies nothing about the underlying mindset or facility for language or mental processing, but only the willingness or unwillingness to reveal the self. This is reflected perfectly by the aspects between Mercury and Pluto, most especially with the conjunction and to a lesser extent the easy aspects there is a loquacious response to the contact: these people talk, often exhaustively although without necessarily revealing much of substance about themselves. Conversely, those with hard aspects are not likely to give too much away, or at the very least – while they may talk freely – they are never comfortable talking about themselves in a way that is particularly incisive or revealing. In either case it boils down to a profound fear of communication and a sense that somehow words can cause pain and lasting damage. With the easy aspects there is not the same urgent sense of danger, but nevertheless there is a need to control the conversation which is engendered by the same mindset as the individual with the hard aspects. Often the Pluto conjunct Mercury person will talk exhaustively and exhaustingly, and the ‘listener’ will often walk away feeling tired and somewhat overwhelmed by the experience. In any case, the process of communicating, with easy aspects or hard, is uncomfortable for both parties involved in the dialogue.

It should be remembered that any aspect between Mercury and Pluto will evince one or other of these effects. For my own part I am extremely familiar with Mercury – Pluto as I have Mercury in Scorpio, peregrine and semi-square, contraparallel and in mutual reception with Pluto, I can speak from experience as to its effects.

With the hard aspects especially, the sense of difficulty with communication creates an observer rather than a participator. Here is somebody who is aware of every subtle nuance of communication and is typically deeply distrustful of words. Usually it will be found that Mercury – Pluto grew up in an environment where truth was taboo, and one or both parents will have been the murky wellspring from which this skewed sense of things was first experienced. It is also possible that an older brother or sister was the cause of the problem or some difficult secret in connection with that sibling or one that haunted and tainted the family environment in some way might be found to be in evidence. On a fairly simplistic level, the Mercury Pluto child will have learned early on that words were not to be trusted at face value. The resentful and controlling mother who would tell her child: “of course I love you darling, more than anything in the world” while evincing no genuine or believable warmth is one good example of this effect. There is then a dichotomy here, between words and more subtle forms of non-verbal communication that have poisoned the child’s perceptions. Body language, ever a reliable indicator of true feelings, is therefore valued much more highly than any simple verbal statement, but this again is fraught with difficulty. The Mercury – Pluto person is formed in such away that they are innately suspicious of any communication: this is very often sensed by others, who feel that they are “on the spot” somehow, and their body language will betray their discomfort which will in turn set off the ultra-sensitive radar of Mercury – Pluto. This can create a cycle of suspicion, distrust and interrogation that is especially exhausting within close relationships later in life.

Therefore, the Mercury – Pluto type is often handicapped in life by being too perceptive and it is through this mechanism of not being able to take things at face value and exhausting oneself and others by continually investigating the most subtle of interactions that the damage is done.

The child learned to do things this way because of the unreliability of close family communications. Language may have been used to damaging effect by a parent or sibling, secrets were kept and wielded almost politically within the early home environment and this actually characterises very neatly the quality of this combination for the afflicted. Words cannot ever mean what they say, there is usually a hidden agenda, an ulterior motive, a secret being kept: indeed this is exactly the case in the childhood home, but the problem is that the child grows up and takes this same understanding out into the world and applies it indiscriminately to every relationship in the whole of life from then on.

But there is a more profound realisation here too. It is not actually so much what is said that concerns Mercury – Pluto, but indeed what is  not said. This creates an anxiety about communication that is really very disturbing: this is why the native talks so much (in the conjunction or easy aspect), not because they have anything much to say, but because they are terrified of the silence and what it might mean. The child will no doubt have been controlled with lack of communication as much as the use of ugly, brutal or cruel language. A parent or sibling may have ostracised or ignored the child as a means of creating an emotional anxiety, or made vague, open-ended threats which would have created a sense of foreboding and impending anguish all with the express purpose of eliciting control.

There is too a legacy of damaging secrets in the early home which would have reinforced this sense of anguish, very often there are half-brothers or sisters who are kept secret or in some other way separate from the rest of the family. There may also have been other secrets relating to siblings which, when revealed created anxiety in the native: I have seen cases where a more favoured sibling is secretly given money or some other treat or benefit by a parent unbeknown to the Mercury Pluto child and when this is learned the assurances by the parent that they love their children equally become hollow and suspect.

At its best, and transformed, Mercury Pluto makes an excellent researcher and psychologist. Able to delve into the deeper and more innate realities of interaction they can often see cause where others cannot; they see the subtle motivations that are in fact pre-cognitive, and in a very real sense they do not need the words to arrive at an understanding. In fact, the Mercury – Pluto person can often be frustrated at the depth of their understanding because words are ultimately a rather blunt instrument when trying to convey the profundity of their insight and this creates another signature of the contact of course: Mercury Pluto despises the superficial and capricious. Intense and insightful, but with a need to avoid obsessing, Mercury Pluto is a natural researcher and student of human nature and motivation, they make excellent counsellors and – once the aspect is transformed – powerful and persuasive communicators who are able to see into the heart of any matter.

[chainoftalent]

I, J, M, N, O, S, U, W for Ouma please 🙏 sorry if its too much letters

Honestly I'm just impressed you managed no duplicates with that list

I, J, M, N, O, S, U, W Kokichi

love how illegible that is go Lucille be incomprehensible

Ideals: What kind of future do they have in mind for/with their darling?

He wants two things from his partner in crime, he wants to do flashy phantom thief crime stuff with them, and he wants to cuddle with them in a soft bed when the crime is over for the day. So ideally he'd have a secret base in like a cool forest or something where he can just chill and hang out and access to a town or city for crime, though likely it would be more of a driving distance then a walking distance, can't be too careful! Beyond that lots of sugary sweets and games and fun things to do and also several horses.

If his partner in crime refuses him or doesn't like the crime, then he switches to the domestic ideal completely. Wants them to look pretty and snuggle them and see them in soft comfortable clothing and maybe sometimes make him food and wash his hair and just all this gooey domestic bliss that he will DENY that he wants to his DEATH BED. Maybe even eventually some children when he's older, he thinks that might be fun, but definitely not yet though. Also they have to become a member of DICE, they don't have to go out on missions, but they have to be a member. Also more horses.

Jealousy: Do they get jealous? Do they lash out or find a way to cope?

Yes, absolutely, 100%, unless it's other members of DICE and even then it's still maybe a little jealous just not a lot. He tries to hog up as much of his partner's attention as possible along with using his own reputation to secretly drag down yours, he doesn't want you to have friends and loved ones outside of him and DICE because he doesn't think they deserve you, thinks there boring and lame. If you're good and give him lots of attention and is made the priority he can tolerate his partner having a few friends outside of him and DICE as long as he can monitor it, though he doesn't get why his partner puts up with outsiders.

If you ignore him or chose other people over him however, then the jealousy really spikes and prepare for escalating pranks and social sabotage. He's totally going to get anyone you start dating to break up with you one way or another and make all your friends believe some nasty rumors. If this goes on for too long he might start getting desperate and that's how you end up tied in the trunk of a stolen car though whether its a fake kidnapping so he can swoop in and save you to earn favor or a real kidnapping depends on his mood.

Mask: Are their true colors drastically different from the way they act around everyone else?

Shockingly for the king of masks himself he's really not that different. Maybe a bit more serious, a bit more regal, bit more clingy, bit more entitled, but all and all it's still that same Kokichi as before.

Naughty: How would they punish their darling?

He much prefers to reward good behavior then punish bad behavior as he knows its a much more effective method of conditioning but when he does need to punish he does not hesitate. While he prefers the easy way he loves the game of the hard way, the back and forth, will against will, it's entertaining as all hell to him to see his partner's ingenuity and deception in full swing.

For the actual punishments he enjoys psychological punishments, commenting on your bad behavior with a snide mocking voice as he picks apart every mistake you made. Very much like he's talking down to a child as he explains that you can't lockpick with a single bobby pin you need two or showing how much of your great scheme was all actually planted by him in the first place. Then leave you alone with your thoughts in a silent but comfortable room with no distractions. Though within a few hours to at most a day he'll happily flounce right back in with that same old excited grin as he drags you out to binge a new anime like nothing happened.

He really doesn't want to chain you down or lock you in a single room for very long though, that's boring! He will if he has to though, don't make him feel like he has no choice but to have to restrain you to properly teach you.

His favorite punishment though involves a game of chess. No fancy rules, no fairy chess like he makes you play for kicks when he's bored, just plain chess. Throughout the match he'd psychoanalyze his partner's playstyle as he wins over and over again. Explaining how they are like their playstyle and that's why they never win, and until they can beat him at chess, they have no shot at getting away. Kokichi is a grandmaster though, so don't expect that to be easy.

He doesn't mock you for losing, or make jokes as he observes how your playstyle reflects you, he just wins over and over calmly as he explains your every flaw in how you plan and maneuver around the board, might even praise you occasionally for your improvement and for clever thinking even as he checkmates you again. All to try and show you that you can't win against him but you can be on the winning side with him if you just listen to him, that he can lead you properly.

He's not trying to hurt you, he's trying to teach you where your shortcomings are by showing you the gap in strategic almost militaristic at times leadership between the two of you along with just generally improving your rational thinking. Plus it has the bonus effect of distracting you because humans are inherently competitive and time spent studying chess maneuvers to try and prove a moral point against him is time not spent trying to escape.

Oppression: How many rights would they take away from their darling?

Ideally none, he wants to have a partner not a toy. If you're good the worst you'd probably get is a tracker and he reads your texts messages under the guise of it being his job as a leader to keep an eye on his subordinates, maybe the occasional day where you're not allowed to leave the house and have to snuggle him all day.

Though if you're bad you'll find yourself in a locked house with a strict schedule with him controlling the food you eat and the clothes you wear with no outside contact beyond DICE who definitely will not help you beyond making you some food or bringing you a new board game.

Stigma: What brought about this side of them (childhood, curiosity, etc)?

Unique: Would they do anything different from the classic yandere?

Kokichi even as a yandere does not kill and avoid serious physical harm if at all possible, not only does he find that too easy and distasteful, it's against the rules of DICE and as such he will stick to it. Minor harms on the table though if someone who has a crush on you steps on a thumbtack covered in lemon juice that's fair game.

Wit’s end: Would they ever hurt their darling?

He prides himself on his control so it would take a LOT to drive him to do more then like tackle you into hugs which definitely bruises your knees as you crumple from an Ouma Missile. However if you pushed him for enough with escape attempts or attacking him and he feels like it's the only option he will hurt his partner in crime. It will be very precisely done though, less lashing out at his partner and more calculated incapacitation. He would REALLY prefer his partner in crime in one piece though so even then it would take a lot of pushing after that to do anything truly permanent beyond small scars after it's healed. It would take a will of pure stubborn iron to not have caved to some degree to him and DICE though.

[foolzstar]

PLEASE elaborate on your glitchtechs ninjago au !!

SURE!!

so this is unpolished as fuck because i only just thought of the au this afternoon so i apologise if this doesn't make much sense for now, feel free to ask for me to explain more or something if you need me to!!

So its basically just the concept to glitchtechs being shoved onto ninjago, hinobi tech becomes borg industries and borg, whilst a seemingly friendly enough guy is very much more of an unseen higher power like how the guys who run the company (at least as of right now) are in glitch techs.

The system that borg has is pretty much the same that hinobi has, borg industries has several shops across ninjago that sell products whilst also dealing with glitches behind closed doors, all specifically located at or near gaming/population hotspots for easy access to the glitches.

the ninja are all part of the same store together, each of them having their own specialties. the au wouldnt necessarily have a main focus but if i were to give roles for who five and mikos replacements are it would be jay and nya, despite their varying dynamics.

the elemental alliance show up at points in the au as glitch techs from other stores that face off/ have a bit of a friendly rivalry with the ninjas store

none of them have their elemental powers, BUT their fighting styles would definitely be influenced by them, eg, zane using freeze bubbles to stun glitches and long range weapons whereas kai uses very short range weapons and probably got a fire breath power up at some point.

the digiverse and prime empire would probably have a major role in the show, the digiverse acting almost like a cloud for all the games that borg tech releases, and prime empire being one of the games that gets released mid story and causes a bunch of problems in terms of glitches and other stuff. i also like the idea of including the idea of jays bio mum being the powersource for prime empire that was scrapped by the show itself, im not sure how id do it yet but i have a few ideas that i might talk about once theyre a bit more fleshed out.

now to the ideas lightning round!!

x cole is their manager despite being only like a year older than most of his co workers and gets an insane amount of joy from pissing off karens who asked for the manager only for his weed smoking dumb ass to show up like "wassup kiddos"

x zane is still a nindroid in this au, his memoriy cant be wiped using the normal memory wiping beams and so he followed the glitch techs back to their base and kinda just stuck around. cole, who was the one to supposedly wipe his memory, is kinda like "what the fuck u remember" and demanded answers which is how they found out that hes a robot.

x half the team find zane really scary at first because hes literally a 6ft3 hunk of metal with no tact at all

x all of zanes gaming avatars have pink incorperated into the outfit in some way

x jay once challenged zane and lloyd to a dance dance revolution battle, they all had the most extravagant avatars made to look like vocaloids. it was the most ott thing ever and the competition lasted an entire day. lloyd won.

x lloyds specialty is the companions, he loves working with them and has a green salamander that sits on his head 24/7

x kai joined the team after nya, expecting it to just be a regular retail job and promptly freaks out over the fact that he has to fight giant kaiju monsters from video games. he rants about it to skylor at the end of his first day and she just laughs and says "you know, if i didnt already know about all this, youd be in big trouble"

x karlof is the manager for another area and him and cole are besties that have a scoreboard keeping track of how many glitches theyve managed to take down by themselves

x pixal takes on the role as bitt and likes to just stomp around the office in her massive fighting suit for fun.

thats all for now but i will be adding more as time goes on because this au is honestly so fun for me, ive been having a blast so far just thinking of the different games to include as well as just the lore!! because season 2 of glitch techs kinda left on a major cliff hanger so we dont know much of the specific lore ive kinda been building this on my own assumptions for what could happen lore-wise as well as just having fun with the goofy work-family aspect of it ^^

[csykora]

hi! i'm sorry to bother you, i was wondering if you could rec a few books on the russian 5 / soviet hockey in general? language does not matter, english or russian is fine (pref. english so i can throw them at friends but either work). your posts are the best thing on this site.

Thank you, that’s a great question! I go back to first-person accounts for stories about the players themselves and use a lot of non-book materials for facts like tournaments and statistics, so most of the these will be autobiographies, but there are a couple more general books too.

Please let me know which if any of them you read and what you and your friends think!

I'd recommend anybody start with Igor Larionov’s 1990 book, “Larionov” (originally written in English, but I believe also available in Russian).

It’s a fast read (150 pages). You can dive in, spend an hour with your new best friend Igor in the bathroom at a party listening to him spilling his feelings and relationship drama, and get up to speed on what/who you need to know.

Igor at that age is funny, insecure, over the top, and telling (sometimes on purpose, sometimes not) about his pain. There are bits that might make you want to hold up a finger and ask if he’s sure a conversation went down like that or if maybe his friends remember some things differently--those are some of the bits that made me look for more books.

He writes more on the psychological weight of his experiences, but does discuss some of the physical abuses (more of that is in Fetisov’s book, which I’ll get to below.) It’s one of the most intimate portraits of Viktor Tikhonov—Larionov admits to taking notes on his coach just like his coach did on him. In that sense, it is radically different than the books and articles I’ve read by North Americans.

(Note that he talks about disordered eating, from the perspective of someone who at that time believed this was positive. The passages where he describes his own and his teammates’ diets can be difficult to read. Consider reading Alyonka Larionova’s essay in the Athletic after; it’s not an easy read either, but I found it reminded me there’s the possibility of change and healng even for older people from generational trauma.)

Then try either:

Home Game, Ken Dryden, 1989 (English), the chapter “No Final Victories”

A lot of Canadian men have read Ken Dryden books and thought, ’if I’m looking down anyway, why not navel-gaze about the meaning of life and measure my dick?’ This is, I think, not his fault. He’s writing from a very Canadian perspective, but he’s quite good at writing about that perspective and its gaps.

In this chapter he talks about what Canadian players or the public thought they knew about the Soviets between the 70s and ’89. It lays out a thorough, engaging play-by-play of how Larionov, Fetisov, and others worked toward leaving, and is a nice balance for the raw Igor experience.

This is one of the most popular all-time hockey books, so it’s worth looking for it in your library if you want to just read that chapter.

or

The Russian Five, Keith Gave, 2018, about 300 pages

I like the heart behind this book. There’s good information in it. Keith Gave wrote short, quick, newspaper and radio sports-news for 15 years—he has a deep knowledge of the Red Wings not just on the ice but as an organization, a very interesting personal adventure story, and a sort of eagerness to understand and empathize with the Russian players.

It’s his first time doing historical research or writing a book, so I do think he has trouble telling the things you need to know in the order you need to know them in order to care about them, if you don’t already have a good sense of the timeline.

Hard to find but keep an eye out for:

The Red Machine, Lawrence Martin, 1990

A much longer discussion of Soviet hockey focused on the national team from the early twentieth century to 1989. Has more context, vignettes, and details on the backstory of the ’70s/early 80s team and life at the Soviet training compound than many other books in English.

It’s widely cited by other books but it’s out of print and a bit rare—I think I might have just bought the only copy that was up for sale this year, so I’ll post about it in more detail when I can!

Russian options:

Овертайм, Slava Fetisov, 1998, reprinted in 2016 (Russian), about 400 pages

This is where the really rough details are. Fetisov writes about his childhood, life in CSKA, and leaving. He mostly talks about his own life, rather than saying much about other players, but includes lots of little details about daily life and how it was intertwined with his friends. He has time to get a lot more detailed about the physical strain of training than Larionov’s book, including injuries, players who died in training, the deaths of his brother and injury of Konstantiov in car accidents, and the corporal punishments and other violence, including the time he alleges Tikhonov arranged to have him tortured by police.

I think his writing is very evocative and enjoyable to read, so that helps, at least.

(It’s a bit hard to find, but if you have access to a Russian library or second-hand store, keep an eye out. It was re-released as part of a series in 2016, which is after he talked with Alexei Kasatonov and became official BFFs again, so I don’t know if the text was updated at that point.)

Tretiak: the Legend, Vladislav Tretiak, 1987 (originally written in Russian, but widely available in English!)

This one’s very interesting to think about the psychology/culture of Soviet players. Tretiak writes heartbreakingly about his own personal experiences, especially his relationships with older players and his relief at retirement. But there are also a lot of ‘missing’ details that probably reflect how he wrote it before Larionov publicly discredited the system—he only writes quite vague positive things about Coach Tikhonov, which are completely different from how he speaks now.

Хоккей в моем сердце, Boris Mikhailov, reprinted 2016 (Russian)

I will never come up with a book title as good as Boris Mikhailov’s ‘Hockey In My Heart’.

Mikhailov is very witty and sharp. While he doesn’t tend to talk about the details of his conflicts with Tikhonov, he has great little stories about lots of the people in Soviet hockey. He also played and coached in St. Petersburg and smaller regions as well as Moscow, so he has some interesting information on the contrasts.

Viktor Tikhonov: Life in the name of hockey by Tatiana Tikhonova

Sasha Mogilny once commented that the only people who could stand Tikhonov were his wife and his dog, “and I don’t know how they do.” Would you like to read his wife’s book of pictures of him with the dog? Would you like to read about how she thinks Tatiana Mikhailova is a bitch, which immediately makes Mikhailova seem cool as hell? Try this book.

Xрустальные люди/ Crystal People, Stanislav Gridasov

A detailed portrait of the hockey community in Saratov (where the young Boris Mikhailov played before CSKA). Completely different than the rich Moscow system, it seems like a great counterpoint, showing the regional tensions in the Soviet Union. I was just recently tipped off to this, but you can find excerpts of in English in Bruce Berglund’s new 2020 book The Fastest Game in the World: Hockey and the Globalization of Sports, which itself looks pretty good.

[milkacchan]

Request for anon: Can I have aizawa dating (without knowing) one of his student's (you can chose) older sister? Thank you and stay hydrated! 💗

• It was Bakugous sister.

• He honestly didn't even make the fucking connection. He's just tired.

• You have brown hair, Katsuki has blonde hair. You curse a lot but have a much better control with your temper and youre not as hot headed.

• he didn't connect the resemblance either until he see's you too in the same room

• and he doesn't like bringing work home- especially when he gets to see you

• which isn't as often as he'd like it to be

• so he won't talk about it

• so you wouldn't know that he taught your brother

• he'll say his day was frustrating or it was good and then the subject would be changed

• Your family would know you're seriously dating /someone/

• but they wouldn't know who.

• your dad would know more than your mom would- you're closer with him

• Katsuki would also know youre dating someone, he doesn't know who, and he pretends not to care but he's annoyed he hasn't met them

• he doesn't know what they're like. They could be an asshole- he wouldn't know.

• your relationship with Katsuki is weird.

• some times he's decent- and yall act like normal siblings

• and then sometimes the two of you ignore eachother for months

• which is ridiculous because youre 26 and he's 17.

• you think he has some animosity for leaving the house and leaving him to be the only child there

• now his parents are down his back

• he might also be upset that you disciplined him a lot

• but you also comforted him when he needed it

• regardless he'll still show up at your apartment when he's fought with mom

• or he 'got bored' aka he missed you but he's not gonna say that

• if he didn't feel like spending the night in the dorms, he'd crash at your place.

• Back to the point- they don't know much.

• it's completely unknown to everyone that you're dating your brothers teacher.

• Aizawa is patient. He's so patient.

• you've been hesitant on him meeting your family (though you've been together for what- a year? Year and a half?) Because well...your family is your family.

• you don't want him to dip

• you're utterly in love with this man and you'd be htterly devastated if he left

• and honestly? He's content with how it is now.

• Him occasionally spending the night(s) ((weeks)) at your apartment, leaving work out of conversations and just enjoying company.

• you dont have to go too fast- its fine how it is now.

• he loves you and that's really all that matters to him.

• but one day, you do decide its time for him to meet them.

• it's over winter break- it's December, not long before Christmas, he'd be spending it with you this year and he should meet your family before hand.

• You guys decided breakfast was an appropriate time.

• So there you are, sitting in bed with your greasy gremlin of a man

• he's got a hand in your hair, the other on the bed on the other side of your head to hold him up.

• you were under him, licking the inside of his mouth

• that's as far as you two had gotten before there was a knock on the door.

• you looked towards the clock as he let out a small groan.

• forgive him, it'd been a solid 2 weeks since he'd seen you last and he missed every part of you.

• it was late, around 11:30, none the less you got up, pressing another kiss to his lips "I'll be back in a minute babe,"

• and off you go to answer the door

• and when you do answer you see Katsuki standing there, hands shoved in his pockets, looking very upset.

"Katsu?"

"I got into a fight with mom. Can I sleep here tonight?"

You nod, "yeah yeah, of course. Just text dad that you're here okay?" You step aside to let him in. "Did you walk? Drive?"

"Hung out with Ei and then drove here."

"Car out front?"

"Mhm, parked next to yours."

"Did Ei do a good job making you feel better?" You glance back at him as you take a cup out if the cupboard.

"Yeah, he did. I'm just not in the mood to go back."

"That's okay. We know how mom gets. What was it about?"

"Responsibility or some shit like that. Not exactly sure anymore."

"Katsu," you mumble, sitting a cup if tea in front of him. "You're doing fine. With everything thats going on, you're dealing with it really well. You're still just a kid, you deserve to have some fun." You kiss his forehead and he nods. "I'm gonna make sure the guest bedroom is ready, kay?"

"Kay."

• So once the room is ready, he brings his cup into the room and plugs in his phone before looking at you.

"Is /he/ here?

"Sho? Yeah, he's probably sleeping now. You'll meet him in the morning. Is Ei and his family still spending Christmas dinner with us?"

"Yeah. He is."

"Does he know how crazy we are?"

Katsuki smiles slightly. "Yeah, one of his moms is like that."

"Good, then you have nothing to worry about. Goodnight Katsuki." You ruffle his hair.

"Let the bedbugs bite, hag."

"You too, little fucker."

• Getting back into bed woke Shouta up, though he was only just drifting off.

"Who was that?"

"Brother, he got into a fight with mom. He's spending the night in the guest bedroom so you'll meet him tomorrow."

He nodded. "Can I go back to kiss you now?" He mumbled.

"Yeah, but we have to be quite now." You smile.

"You know thats one of my favorite games," he got back on top of you, moving your legs so they were on either side of his waist and he had easy access to grind himself onto your heat. You let out a sigh and his lips reconnected.

• The next morning you woke up early than you had really wanted but sometimes shit happens.

• katsuki was already up, if course he was.

• he gave you a small nod, eyes traveling to the hickey peeking out from under your robe before looking away. Gross.

• "Sleep okay?"

"Slept fine, you?"

"Mhm," you smile slightly. "Dad say anything last night?"

"He said to tell you goodnight and he was excited to see you tomorrow, but I was too lazy to get up-" his spoon clattered.

You glance back, "Ah, Katsu this is Shou, Sho this is-"

• Katsuki is 😃

• Why are you fucking here???

• Aizawa is 😌

• I'm gonna use this to destroy you

"Jesus-" Katsuki groans. "No- no no-"

Shouta rubs his face, but he's internally jumping- oh he's going to use this to his advantage.

"What-?"

"You're dating my fucking teacher?"

"Wha- oh." You snicker.

• This is gold

• This is absolutely gold

• You are going to beat Aizawa ass later though, he's totally been overworking his class

• They walk into breakfast and your parents are like ????

• "Hey isn't that-?"

"Yes." Bakugou grumbles. "Yes it is."

• Honestly they'd both use it to their advantage.

• "I'll tell my sister if you ____"

• "I'll tell your sister if you don't _____"

• and when y'all get engaged and class 1a finds out that he's going to become bakugous brother in law, they flip their shit dude.

• Because one, Eiji was the only one who knew he had a sister and that he was dating bakugous sisterb

• mans walked in with his famiky to see his boyfriend and stopped dead in his tracks.

"M-Mr. Aizawa..why are- uhm- why are-?"

Bakugou grabs his hand, nodding at his mother's. "He's dating my sister."

"He's what?" He whispered, eyes widening.

"Tragic, I know."

• One time you had to bring him something bc he forgot it at your apartment that was practically his too at this point

• and you walk in

"Hey sho, you forgot this."

"Mm, thanks."

• Bakugou drops his head to the table

"Bye Katsu," you wave and smile. "By Ei, have a good day,"

"Please leave,"

"You too Bakugou!"

• "who was that?" Mina asks

"Bakugous sister,"

"My fiance,"

They said that the same time

• All hell breaks loose

• "The fact that bakugou has a sister is processed first- "she looks nothing like you how-"

"She has my dads brown hair. I have my moms blonde hair.'

• He's bombarded with questions

• he ignores them

• the fact that Aizawa is ENGAGED to bakugous sister- now that's gold

• and he's bombarded with questions too

• no he did not know you were bakugous sister

• he met you after school started

• at a fruit stand actually

• he proposed before Christmas

• yes, he asked for your parents approval

• yes he asked for bakugous approval, he said yes

• no, he didn't have kids

• but y'all did have a cat and a dog

• No Mina, I'm not showing you a picture of them

• because Ayoma, we're in class right now

• maybe after if you guys shut up

• Anyway Bakugou is the ringbearer for the wedding 🤪🤪

• Class 1A is invited

• Mic is the best man

• Your best friend is your maid of honor

• All might officiated it

• its a good time

[whats-rambled-rambled]

Long Nights - part 1

Neil x Reader

Chapter 1: Don’t kill my vibe

summary: all days blend into one, and as your friend brings back an unusual challenge, you are more than happy to accept it

warnings: 18+, explicit language, some violence, blood mention

author’s note: Woot woot, new series hype!  

This setting has been brewing inside me for months now, and what started as an idea for a one-shot, turned out to be a fully fleshed out series (f!Reader again, for more gender neutral one check out StuckInReverse series!). And a good chance to introduce this brand new dynamic. Aaaand to play with some rogue tropes - because guess who's gonna teach Neil all he knows about locks and how to pick them? (canon what canon or at least let’s forget the implications for a moment and let's enjoy all the HAND CONTENT instead)

I’m really excited to share this story with you all!

The song for this chapter is Sigrid - Don’t Kill My Vibe

Anyway, enjoy! All feedback is greatly appreciated, let me know what you think?

------------------

Tag list: @vaneilla @ergunbilge @invertedneil @wanderedaway

----

You absent-mindedly swirled your coffee and ice cubes clinked against the tall glass as you watched a gutsy pigeon searching for crumbs under a table right next to yours. The green and purple feathers on its collar were shining in the morning sun, not as merciless as it was about to get in just a few hours, but still heating the crowded plaza to barely acceptable levels.

“I don’t know, man, all days blend into one, maybe it’s time to skip town again.”

Mahir leaned back on his chair, his glance sliding through the swarm of tourists pouring from the alley nearby.

“No new gigs?”

You mirrored his pose and shrugged.

“Some, but they just lack… pizzaz.”

“Pizzaz?”

“Yes,” - you sighed and gestured vaguely - “that certain oomph, that sparkle, excitement, when your heart starts beating faster at the sole thought--”

“You sure you’re not looking for...would say love but I know you too well, so... a good shag?” your companion chimed in with a sardonic smile plastered on his face.

You scoffed, amused by that insinuation.

“First of all - thank you,” you started, your eyes lighting up and your grin getting wider with every word. “Second - that thrill is better than a good shag, and after a job well done, you can ride that high much longer than even the best orgasm.”

“Forget I said anything--”

“And finally,” - you continued, ignoring his distressed groan - “you skip all the awkwardness of the morning after.”

Mahir raised his hands in defeat, and even though he looked as if he took a mental note to never tease you like that again, you were sure he knew exactly what you meant. After all, he was your favorite partner in crime, and even though he’d come clean (...or at least slightly cleaner) a few years ago, you still could count on him whenever you needed to pull off a spectacular and/or a straight-up batshit crazy stunt.

“How’s Paddsy?”

“Grand, as far as I know, but haven’t heard from him in years, why?” you asked, tilting your head.

Your friend looked at you with impish sparks in his eyes.

“I remember how you kept yourself amused during your teenage years.”

“The challenges?” You raised your brow and laughed at the memory. “Ha, petty theft is one way to fight a dullness of existence, all right.”

“I bet you’ve gotten sloppier with age.”

That taunt in his overly casual tone was clear as day. Were you really that bored, though?

“Please, I could do it right here and now without any prep.”

...yes.

He sent you a smug smile and started browsing the crowd for a possible target. “Okay, what about... that guy over there?”

You followed his gaze and your eyes laid on a pair of men, lost in a conversation, keeping to the peripheries of tourist groups as they walked through the square. One of them was gesturing with enthusiasm, a wide smile brightening his tanned face, the blond hair in complete disarray combined with a slightly unbuttoned white linen shirt with rolled-up sleeves and beige trousers completed a disheveled look. Couldn’t be older than thirty. He was accompanied by a more composed middle-aged Black man, a maroon polo shirt and grey suit pants complimented his fit and refined posture.

“The yellow mane or the polo shirt?” you asked and Mahir snorted in response.

“The polo one.”

You looked the stranger up and down as you assessed the case. Even from afar, you could see an outline of a wallet in the pocket of his trousers, and the short sleeves meant easy access to the watch.

You smacked your lips and pouted. “Too easy.”

“Okay, so both of them,” he said, watching with satisfaction as you perked up at the suggestion.

“Now we’re talking!” you laughed, clapping your hands. You pointed at Mahir’s camera sitting on the table, internally blessing his choice of hobbies. “Mind if I borrow this for a moment?”

“Sure, whatever.”

You bounced at your feet and grabbed the camera and its case, securing both straps on your shoulder. A sudden rush mixed with a familiar coldness as you got your head in the game.

“Be right back.”

Circling the crowd, you positioned yourself on the path of your targets, blending in with the crowd. Right then, nobody would tell you from other slaphappy sightseers, mesmerized by the architecture of the Old Town district. Stopping abruptly every few steps to take yet another photo. Too preoccupied to pay attention to your surroundings. Making it way too easy to bump into someone, you know? Or, if you were clumsy enough, two people one after another, in a little live-action pinball moment.

You raised the camera and stepped back right into the polo guy, yelping at the impact.

“Sorry!” you squealed, jumping out of his way. Straight into the blonde man. “Oh gee, I’m terribly sorry!”

“You all right?” he asked as he caught you, placing hands on your arms for a split-second hold, enough to prevent you from bouncing back and bumping into someone else.

You turned around and met the bright blue eyes studying you curiously.

“Yep,” you mumbled through sheepish laughter. “And you?”

He beamed, raking his unruly hair with his fingers.

“Yeah.”

Your gaze flitted back to his companion, who was looking at you two with polite interest, visibly eager to continue his stroll.

“Sorry again! Have a lovely day, gents!” you chirped, sending one more apologetic smile and squeezing between them to walk away in the opposite direction.

Ten steps later you twirled around. Aiming the camera at a statue nearby, you checked on the men with the corner of your eye. The blonde guy glanced over his shoulder for a moment, but he didn’t seem suspicious. Good.

You made your way back to the cafe and fell back on your chair.

“No sweat,” you said and smirked, handing the camera back to Mahir and placing the case on the table. You turned it around so he could see what was inside - two watches, some mileage card you pulled out of the polo guy’s wallet, and something you grabbed from the other one… an Oyster card for public transport in London? What a combo. And of course, you could have picked the entire wallets instead, but what would be the fun in that? You didn’t have to make their life that much harder, after all, you just wanted to prove a point.

Mahir peeked inside and smacked his tongue.

“Okay, you still got it.”

“Damn straight!” You reached for your abandoned coffee and emptied it in one swig. “But I’d better get going.”

“Wait, what about the loot?”

“Keep it,” - you shrugged, leaning in to place a small kiss on the bearded cheek - “and tip that nice waitress well, will ya?”

“Sure,” sighed Mahir and patted your hand on his shoulder. “Be careful out there, mate.”

“Always.”

You stepped out on the sunny square again. There was nothing particularly interesting on the agenda for the day, so you decided to take a longer and more scenic route to your apartment. You put on the headphones and with your usual playlist on shuffle, you maneuvered between groups of people on your way to one of the alleys. And just as you were about to cross the road, someone blocked your path. You glanced up and it took all your self-control to maintain a neutral expression, despite all the warning sirens blaring at the full volume inside your head. How even--

“Darling! Long time no see!” said the blonde man you’d just robbed gleefully and grinned, his arms spread wide as if you’d known each other for years. Without dropping a jovial face, he leaned in and gave you a chaste hug, using the opportunity to utter straight into your ear. “Don’t make a fuss and come with me.”

Bloody fantastic.

The stranger linked your arms together and started walking down the street, pulling you with him in a little too rushed version of a friendly stroll. It wasn’t your first rodeo, though.

“Where are you taking me?” you squealed, faking badly covered distress and scouting the area in search of his partner, but the polo guy was nowhere to be seen.

“Oh, we need to have a little chat,” he said nonchalantly, securing a grip on you with another hand on your arm. “And the streets today are awfully loud, don’t you think?”

He dragged you into a back alley, losing the chummy demeanor with every step further away from the crowds. Lucky for you, the new setting worked in your favor. You’d been indulging him long enough, anyway.

Shifting your balance, you stomped hard on his foot, using the element of surprise to break free. Grabbing the blonde strands, you pulled his head down to meet your flying knee. A muffled groan escaped the stranger’s mouth and his curses followed you when you dashed to a small back street to your right. These few seconds of a head start were more than enough though, especially since you knew the area like the back of your hand. And that’s why you didn’t hesitate when you reached a chain-link fence. You jumped and bounced off the wall, pulling up on the edge and vaulting through the obstacle with ease, then gracefully landed on the other side and turned around just to see the man hitting the fence with frustration. He glared at you, wiping the blood from his face, and you almost felt sorry for him. Almost.

“See ya!” you giggled and blew him a kiss, disappearing into another alley.

You emerged on the main street at a reasonable distance from the place you’d left the stranger, weaving between people on the busy pavement, making sure nobody followed you. After a few blocks, you grew quite certain that you’d lost the unwanted tail. You smiled to yourself. The day turned out to be way more exciting than you could have expected. And it wasn’t even noon yet. 

You noticed a dark grey SUV pulling over next to you, but by the time you realized what was going on, it was already too late. The next thing you knew, you got dragged into the backseat and trapped between the blonde man and the polo guy. Shit.

You glanced at the driver, searching for clues about what you’d gotten yourself into. The woman behind a wheel gave off a paramilitary vibe, but you couldn’t be sure. Anyway, there was no point in trying to escape - you needed to wait for a more suitable moment. You didn’t have too much room to squirm around, so you just fixed your gaze on the road ahead.

“Well, this is awkward,” you said, breaking the silence as the car started moving again.

“As my colleague said - we need to talk.”

You looked to your right at the polo man. “Abduction is such an underrated conversation starter.”

“So is theft,” he noted, a shade of smile tainting the corner of his mouth. “I really liked that watch.”

“I have no idea--”

“We’ve checked the square’s surveillance system,” he interrupted you, but his statement was so ridiculous you just had to laugh it off.

“Now you’re insulting me.”

He raised a brow as he studied you with satisfaction. “You’d rather admit that you’re guilty?”

“No,” - you bridled, slowly getting tired of the whole charade - “but there’s no way you got to the feed so fast, and with how crowded it was out there, there is no way you’d find anything incriminating in there.” You hesitated for a moment, then narrowed your eyes. “Speaking of-- how did you even find me?”

A sudden movement to your left made you switch focus to the quiet blonde man. Still pressing a bunch of bloodied tissues to his face, he showed you his phone - a red dot was blinking steadily in the middle of a screen.

...tracking? You opened your mouth to ask a follow-up question, but then it hit you and your eyes flared up. That hug.

“Sneaky. I like it.” You grinned and nodded at him. “How’s your nose?”

He lowered his hand with the tissues. It was bruised and swollen, but you couldn’t tell if you’d managed to break it or not. Still - ouch.

“Never better,” he said and grimaced slightly.

“You should put some ice on it.”

He scoffed and rolled his eyes.

“You don’t say.”

Biting your lip to stifle a giggle, you glanced back to your right. “So? What do you wanna talk about?”

The other man shook his head.

“Not in the car. We’re almost there.”

You looked out of the window to find out you were driving into an industrial zone, and not the nice part of it. You didn’t mind, though - abandoned and creepy factory buildings were your jam, and they made excellent locations if you ever needed a chance to escape.

After a few minutes, you reached your destination. You got out of the car parked near the entrance to an empty hall. The sunbeams were pouring inside through the broken windows near the ceiling, lighting up a small metal table and a pair of chairs.

“Kudos for prepping such a dramatic setting, gents,” you laughed, taking a seat at the table. The polo man sighed and sat in front of you, sliding a folder with documents your way. You peeked inside, only to confirm your suspicions. They got some serious dirt on you, all right.

“Let’s start again, properly this time. This is Neil,” - he said, pointing at his companion, who was standing nearby, leaning against a pillar - “and I’m The Protagonist.”

You gaped at him and slumped your shoulders. “The Protag--...you’re shitting me,” you huffed, but the man was staring at you indifferently. “Dude, your parents must hate you,” you snorted, not even trying to keep a straight face. “What’s wrong with-- ...I don’t know, David? Or some of the classics, like John?”

“That’s how everyone here addresses me, and I’d like you to do the same.”

“Do I have to?” you groaned as you looked at Neil. He simply nodded, so you had no other option but to roll with it. For now. “Ugh, fine,” you said, shrugging. “You guys are spies or something?”

“Or something,” said The Protagonist. “We use certain espionage techniques to our advantage.”

“Sure,” - you scoffed - “next thing you’re gonna tell me is that you need my help to save the world.”

Neil’s amused snort made you glance at him again. “Well, maybe indirectly.” Playful sparks lit up his eyes as he gave you a half-smile. 

Are they for real? If that was an elaborate prank, this would be a good gotcha moment, but the men seemed serious enough.

You shifted on your seat, laughing nervously.

“Sorry to disappoint, but you’ve got the wrong gal.”

The Protagonist pointed at the folder in front of you.

“We need someone with your skills.”

...right. “Such as?”

“Lockpicking.”

You arched a brow. “Why? You need me to crack something for you?”

“No.” The Protagonist shook his head and took a deep breath. “We need you to teach our agents how to do it.”

“Hard pass,” you said, crossing your arms. “I’m not a tutor material.”

All of a sudden, a familiar voice rang behind you.

“Show her the lock.”

And then you connected all the dots.

“Mahir, you asshole!” you fumed, glaring at your friend as he joined you by the table. “Sloppier with age, I swear, you’re the main reason I have trust issues!”

“Main?” - he sent you a skeptical look - “What about--”

“Okay, you’re in top three, but mind you, today’s stunt alone got you five places up the table.”

“Oh no, I’m gonna cry myself to sleep tonight,” he mocked in his usual deadpan manner.

You huffed - “You better,” - mentally kicking yourself for falling for his ruse so easily. Maybe he was right. Maybe you’d lost your edge. That’s what you got for staying in one place for too long. You blinked rapidly, getting out of your head to focus on an item The Protagonist placed on the table. A small metal lock, pretty basic. No security pins, but you knew this model was made with sloppy tolerances that could give any beginner a headache.

“What’s so special about it?”

“Give it a try,” said The Protagonist and waved his hand in encouragement.

You reached to the pocket of your pants for a compact set of lockpicking tools you always had on you. Nothing fancy, rather a handy emergency set than anything serious - those were safely stored in your apartment, ready for the real work. Unlike the one you were about to do. Or so you thought.

You placed a tiny wrench at the bottom of a keyway and applied a minimal amount of tension, trying to set the first pin inside using a short hook. Trying and failing. The feedback from the tools was bizarre, like the regular laws of physics no longer applied to the lock’s mechanism.

“What in the fresh hell--” you uttered through gritted teeth, pulling out the tools to examine the peculiar lock.

Mahir smirked. “Enough pizzaz?”

“Shut up, I’m still mad at you,” you waved at him dismissively and focused back on The Protagonist, who was watching your attempts with polite interest. And a hint of a satisfied smile. “Where did you get that?”

“I’m afraid I can’t tell you,” he replied, leaning back on the chair. “At least for now, that is if you’d like to reconsider our proposal.”

You nibbled on your bottom lip, drumming the fingers on the table. Mahir, you bastard. Of course he knew you wouldn’t be able to resist an offer like this. Even if that meant a certain commitment, and that wasn’t something you were particularly fond of.

“Fine,” you sighed. “But I’m gonna teach only one person.”

“Deal.”

As you shook on it, Neil left his spot by the pillar.

“That will be me.”

You nodded in agreement and asked, “What about the lock?”

“Keep it,” said The Protagonist, standing up. As if he’d share the secrets straight away. “I want to hear your thoughts on it the next time we see each other.”

“And when is that gonna be?”

He just smiled enigmatically. “Soon. Mahir - a word?”

“Is he always like that?” you asked Neil as you got up, watching the others making their way towards the exit, but he just shrugged in return.

“He’s a busy man.”

You eyed your soon-to-be student curiously, and he responded in such, although suddenly losing some of the confidence he’d had before. Even with the bruised face, he radiated with this natural charm, a soft smile and the blonde strands falling into the bright blue eyes only adding to the overall appeal.

“Sorry about the nose.”

“Thanks,” - he smirked - “can’t blame you for that though, right?”

Grinning, you extended your hand in an informal truce offering.

“No hard feelings then?”

“Not at all,” he said as your palms clapped together and you smacked each other’s arms playfully.

With any leftover tension gone, all you had to do was to discuss the schedule and a few other crucial details. Neil took some notes and promised to get everything ready over the next few days. He even offered to drive you home, but you politely turned him down. A long walk, even slightly longer than previously anticipated, seemed more tempting.

Your fingers brushed against the weird lock in your pocket and you smiled to yourself.

For the first time in months, your heart started beating a little bit faster.

(next chapter->)

[tundrainafrica]

Title: Passion Project (4/4)

Summary:

“Ignoring Hange Zoe had become a little passion project he allowed himself to indulge in, in between expeditions and quietly mourning unnecessary deaths in the battlefield.”

Levi tries to ignore Hange but it never seems to last. A ficlet detailing the development of Levi and Hange’s relationship before canon.

Link to cross-postings: AO3

Link to other chapters: 1 2 3

“Captain, you’re moving a little too fast, could you please slow down with the next titan?”

“Moblit, this is the tenth titan I’ve killed today.”

“Apologies sir, we might need some clearer sketches so our squad leader could make the final decision on these blades.”

“Okay then.” Levi held back the grimace that was threatening to come out then. Moblit was just following orders after all.

Cooperating with each other’s squads was Erwin’s orders and in the end, Levi and Hange still had to work together. The first few experiments were easy, quality checking improvements for grenades, base supplies, flare guns and gas cannisters. They were all routine and Hange didn’t need to be there. Soon after she stopped showing up, Levi started to realize he didn’t have to show up in any of her capture missions either, only making it easier to pretend she didn’t exist.

At that moment though, having been stuck on the wall strategizing for more than four hours already, Levi was starting to accept that pretending Hange didn’t exist wasn’t such an efficient idea. When Hange wasn’t simping for titans after all, she had the brain of a logistics and a research prodigy, a rare gift that had propelled her to the top of that military section in the first place.

Levi couldn't help but think with his little struggle with Moblit, he had just stumbled upon a situation of the blind leading the blind. And with every failed attempt to get feedback on the prototype blades, its effect on the balance of the user, and the efficiency with which it cuts through the titans' nape, the inevitable only became all the more inevitable (if that was even possible). They wouldn’t make it on time for their deadline.

Levi jumped back down to the foot of the wall. There were three more titans attempting to scramble up the walls to no avail and Levi had two tests, the control and the experimental test and with that, two types of blades to test, the original and the prototype. They had come up with the genius idea of using a different type on each hand. Or begrudgingly, it had been Hange’s idea which Moblit had so graciously told him that afternoon after their miserable last session a few days before.

We need to check how deep you can slice with each of them. Moblit had said. And whether it slices cleanly through the neck. The older weapons were naturally duller which made cutting up napes a tall order for the average soldier.

Hange though had been working on a different blade which could make killing a titan an achievable goal for even the cadets in the garrison unit.

Levi felt some difference having been using those same blinds for long enough already. It was nothing more than a minute difference in movement for him. Levi was good with comabt which made him so easily adaptable already to the difference of blades. Hange had sworn though that there was a stark difference, many experiments ago back when they were still on speaking terms. With that unspoken yet mutual agreement not to speak though, Moblit was left with the burden of sketching what he can to capture that minute difference and Levi was left to find a way to slow down his movements to something accessible to the naked eye while exposing himself to the novel risk of being eaten by a titan with every single round.

Levi only realized as the sun started to set below the horizon and the sky started to look a little redder, that they had been up on the wall for what must have been five hours. They were both blind and consequently inefficient.

“We could try this another day?” Moblit suggested.

“You should get NIfa or Keiji here to help next time. More people to sketch, the faster this will go.”

Moblit put down the sketchpad and sighed. “I’m the only one who actually sketches among us so I don’t think they would be much of a help either. Our worst case scenario then is we hire other artists? Hopefully Commander Erwin would allow the funds for that. ” Hange’s right hand man had a generally courteous demeanor. Although Levi had felt a little accused by Moblit’s face, he couldn’t tell if the man really meant to inject spite into that statement.

He was right though. For one, of course Erwin wouldn’t waste the already low budget the Survey Corps receives every year on artists when a free alternative existed already.

Get Hange to show up for the experiment.

But it wasn’t that easy. Levi thought to himself. Eventually his anger at Hange dissipated but by then, even before he was aware of it, ignoring each other had morphed into a cruel game by some nonverbal agreement between both sides. Hange just stopped looking at him when they were in the same room and he decided to reciprocate that same action. Possibly out of pride more than anything else.

The situation at the scouts headquarters that night was no different. Hange and Levi’s squads were stationed nearby and everyone knew each other fairly well. As they all reunited in the castle after Hange’s successful attempt at training her own squad and Levi’s special Ops squad for the next titan capture attempt and Levi’s unsuccessful attempt at testing the blades, the tension in the room only became stronger.

Levi felt it as a sensation that consumed him slowly from his toes all the way to his fingertips, leaving him unable to do much but lock gazes with whoever was nearby that wasn’t Hange. He heard it in the uncomfortable mumbles of both Oluo and Petra, the more emotional ones in his team and he saw it in the way Moblit had a smile much wider than what should have been professional.

In his peripherals, he saw it, Hange making small talk with Gunther and Eld to her right, praising them for their quick wit and their ability to master the titan capture contraption she had been cooking up.

The frustrating part was, there was no tension in the way Hange gesticulated and gave out praises in that annoyingly sing-songy tone. Back then, it had felt like screeching in his ears. At present, that voice completely bypassed the ears and went straight for his chest sending piercing and almost nauseating sensations through his heart.

“I'm really grateful. Thank you for all of your help cleaning the lab last week. And of course, for cooperating with me today. My family sent over some souvenirs so I thought I’d share it. ” Hange went for the cupboards to the side of the common room and came back with a large enough bag with the familiar royal seal of that same familiar black tea shop.

“Their shortcakes are also pretty good so I asked my parents to send some over.” Hange continued as she laid out the boxes on the table. There were boxes of tea and boxes of shortcakes. Levi quickly counted them and was sure there was enough on the table for every single person in the room to have one box of tea and one shortcake.

Hange started to slide boxes over to the other soldiers

Rashad. Gunther. Moblit. Nifa. Eld. Keiji. Lauda. Oluo. Levi had occupied himself by saying the names out loud in his head. Hange was taking her sweet time, making sure to say a word of praise to every single person on the table.

That friendly gesture on her end only served to pull Levi back to the situation at hand despite his attempts to distract himself. Was she going to say anything about me? Was she going to apologize? Make peace?

He was on the other side of the table though, the farthest from her and Hange had gone for those closest first. He had to be patient.

After what felt like a lifetime to Levi, Hange only had four more boxes on the table. Two for herself and two for me. Levi thought to himself. Despite the tensions in the room, he found himself excited to be able to taste the delectable shortcake which he had been admiring in the underground, along with the black tea that despite the somewhat salty memories in retrospect still had the malty and bitter taste he enjoyed so much.

Levi chose the exact moment her hands went for the black tea to look up at her. To his surprise, she was looking back at him.

They were on opposite ends of the large round table and thus, the distance only made it difficult for Levi to realize that she wasn’t looking at him at all. It was as if she was looking past him.

At the window behind him. “Looks like it’s getting late everyone. We should get back to the barracks. I’ll keep these two for myself,” Hange said, sliding two of the boxes into her bag.

And the other two? Levi found himself asking silently. The discomfort he was feeling had him speechless.

As if to answer his question, Hange slid the two boxes across to Petra. “Petra, you really worked hard on that first aid plan today. We're trying to keep casualties to a minimum so that was really a great addition to the plan. You deserve something extra.”

“Ah… Thanks!” Petra answered. Levi noticed she had snuck an uncertain glance at him. Levi looked away, not wanting to influence whatever decision Petra chose to make. There was only one decision though that could have made Levi the least uncomfortable at that moment.

“Maybe you should share it with some family or friends?” Hange suggested. “You might know someone who would appreciate this. I heard It’s going to be pretty difficult to find something with this recipe  from now on since they’ll be phasing out the shortcake. I heard they’ll be changing the black tea recipe too. It’s one of my favorite mixes so I’d be happy if as many people as possible got to try it.”

Hange could have been thinking about him or she could have been thinking about anyone in the general public. Levi though had erred too much on the side of the assumer.

He didn’t want to make that mistake again.

                                   Passion Project

“To be frank, I don’t feel too good about having to approach you too like this. As a commander and as your friend, I trust both of you to do your jobs. As of late though, it looks like you two have been experiencing some bumps when actually trying to do your jobs. Care to explain?”

To Levi’s relief, Hange spoke up. He had no plans of being the first one to answer.

“What do you mean by… bumps? Erwin?”

It was as if Erwin had been ready to answer the question for a while. His approaching the desk and pulling out a wad of papers conveniently at the top of his drawer had seemed rehearsed.

“Let’s see here,” Erwin said. “I am still expecting a deliverable on the proto-type blades the research team has been working on… And Hange, why does your plan for the next titan capture mission involve everyone in Levi’s squad except Levi. “

“I thought Levi would have been busy with experimenting on the new blades so I didn’t want to bother him too much. Also... since I’m only expecting to capture one titan on our next expedition, I think his squad is more than capable of handling the titan capture without him.”

I wouldn’t have picked them if they weren’t. Levi had to note. He found himself a little amazed that despite the tension between them, Hange had given a pretty reasonable answer.

“And about the experiments on the blades Levi, have you been working on those?”

“Yes. Moblit and I have been working on them,” Levi answered, keeping his replies as brief as possible. He didn’t think he had Hange’s charisma to pull off such a reasonable explanation but he should at least be able to manage not making a fool of himself.

“And it looks like you’ve been working on them for more than a month,” Erwin noted. He looked to Hange. “Hange, How many trials do you need?”

“Just one good one. I only need to see Levi’s movements and positions when he slices the blades, I think that’s more than enough for me to see whether the new prototype can really be helpful to the average soldier.”

“Then why is this taking a month to do?” Erwin looked to both of them and Levi was somehow relieved that at least whatever fault they may be concluded to have, it would most likely be shared between the both of them.

“I asked Moblit to sketch it,” Hange answered with the same charisma and confidence of a while ago. If Hange had been talking to an idiot with that tone, she would have convinced them.

Erwin though, was no idiot. “Sketch it?”

“Sketch Levi’s position.”

“You mean draw Levi’s position in the air while he’s slicing the titan’s nape.”

Hange nodded. “Moblit is a very good sketch artist.”

Erwin raised one eyebrow and turned to Levi. “And Levi, how has that been working for you?”

“Moblit says I move too fast,” Levi answered.

“And that’s why it’s been taking you a month to do this?”

“I’m still trying to learn how to slow down.”

“And why can’t Hange see for herself the experiment?”

“She’s busy,” Levi answered.

Erwin rested his chin on his hands. “Oh, so you too have been too busy to coordinate yourself that Petra and Moblit had to do all the liaising for the both of you?” He took out the first two pages and slid the rest of the papers under them.

One crucial part of being a leader of his own team had completely slipped Levi’s mind as he played the silent treatment card a little too seriously. The paperwork.

“If I recall correctly, I told both of you to fill out these reports together. A lot of the technological developments in the survey corps are dependent on both of your performances after all.”

Hange and Levi both remained silent.

It didn’t look like Erwin was giving them time to defend it either. “Why are these both signed Moblit and Petra? Neither of you could make it to the fortnightly meeting I required of both of you? And neither of you even bothered to tell one another you couldn’t make it?”

Levi swallowed the lump in his throat. That had been an oversight on his end and as he looked to Hange to see that same panic, it turned out he wasn’t alone. Levi had asked Petra to handle the paperwork so he wouldn’t have to deal with Hange.

And it turned out Hange had done the same.

“Both of you are lucky you have subordinates who know both of your trades so well that even if it wasn’t signed by them, I still would have thought the both of you prepared it.” Erwin said as he fixed the papers neatly on his desk. “Except the handwriting part.”

It was an attempt at some humor to lighten the already awkward mood of the room. It hadn’t worked though. With how he felt, Levi actually felt slightly insulted that Erwin had mentioned their shitty handwritings on top of their inability to do their jobs.

“I’m seeing an issue of communication here and I think you two should be addressing it now. The next expedition is in three days and I don’t want any unnecessary deaths just because of some bad communication and failure to deliver on both of your parts. If I see another paper signed by Moblit or Petra--- or scratch that, anyone else other than both of you, any time in the near future, I will shred all the reports I have right now and I will ask both of you to redo it all.” Erwin paused for long enough to glare at both Hange and Levi. “Don’t test me.”

And with that, the short meeting was over. Hange stood up, gave a friendly greeting and walked out.

The door frame could have fit both of them. Levi though, had let Hange go first, not wanting to confront her then. Hange’s face had been unreadable and after that small rageful stint in the research lab a few weeks back, he realized there were buttons about her, he just didn’t want to push just yet.

“Levi, stay.”

Levi looked back at Erwin and mechanically moved back to his seat.

“Moblit and Petra already told me about what happened so I don’t need the whole story from you if that’s what you’re expecting,” Erwin started.

“What did they tell you?”

“What happened after the titan went loose and after her lab got destroyed.” Erwin shook his head. “But that’s not the point. As your commander, I’ll say this. You and Hange are two of the most valuable soldiers in the survey corps. It was your cooperation that got us into this standing in the first place and that’s why it’s in all our best interest that you two keep your communication lines open.”

Levi could only listen.

“And as both of your friends, this is what I have to say. You two are just going to remain as miserable as you are right now if you don’t fix this between yourselves.”

“Miserable? What makes you think I’m miserable?” He had already accepted long ago that it was making him miserable. What makes you think Hange is miserable?

“Maybe because you’re denying it right now?” Erwin said.

There should have been more to it than that. And the knowing look Erwin had given Levi then only added to his self consciousness at that moment. He noticed everything from the way his shoulders dropped, to the way he had leaned further into the chair and the way he had let his eyes fall to the floor below him. “And Hange? What makes you think Hange’s miserable?”

“She denied it too.” Erwin looked pointedly at Levi. “In this exact same way.”

                                   Passion Project

Erwin had made sense. If that whole debacle with the titans and the cold war that followed hadn’t made him a little miserable, he probably wouldn't have entertained the prospect at all. Whether he could say the same for Hange, at that rate he didn’t want to assume.

The commander had seemed privy to both sides and it was he who decided the next plan of action to go about the rift that was created between the two.

Talking to Hange is easy. Proving to her that you still consider her a valuable friend is a little harder.

It was only through Erwin’s words did he realize how much of an arse he had been to Hange lately. He had played that little game of silent treatments since Hange had approached him about the titan capture mission. All he needed was Erwin to knock some sense into him before he quickly recalled everything, while a little more biased against his own actions.

And this is how you repent for this. Levi had to remind himself as he wandered through the woods. He wasn’t excited at all for the plan Erwin had laid out.

“Hange has been a little hyper fixated on getting a specific type of sample she wanted to work with. If you give it to her as a peace offering, maybe you could win back her trust?”

Maybe? It wasn’t a maybe. Erwin had proposed it in a way that it sounded foolproof. And Levi was starting to become a little more convinced that it might just work. Not just because of Erwin’s persuasion. Also because he was doing something that had been so unimaginable and so repulsive of an idea that he would have never done it if it wasn’t for the suggestion and the eventual prodding of Erwin. He probably would have tried any other idea first. But that was the idea left for him. He was desperate and somehow, he was clinging to the hope that Hange would see that desperation.

Most titans stay in the woods so keep an eye out for it. They’re usually on the ground next to the trees and they look like tiny cocoons. Levi was sure he knew what Erwin was describing. In fact, he had seen them multiple times before.

Maybe in this same forest. He had his procedural memory on his side. All he had to do was retrace his steps. As if his own motivations to talk to Hange again were spurring him on, he didn’t take too long to find one.

The cocoons were titan puke and they didn’t dissolve as easily as titan blood. Beneath those cocoons were half digested dead bodies.

But Hange doesn’t need those. She wants the digestive juices. Erwin had pointed out.

“The digestive juices and the spit,” Levi repeated to himself like it was some sort of mantra. He only ever wanted to do that once in his life and that only time he would be doing it, he needed to do it perfectly or risk having to go back.

He took out the jar he kept underneath his cloak and bent over next to the cocoon. He pulled his green cloak up to his face to at least protect himself from the odor that he was sure was coming.

The cocoon already had an odor, a faint ominous odor that only hinted to Levi that there may have been more of it underneath.

With one blade, he poked a hole into the cocoon, and ripped it open a bit towards the top. It was big for an arm to move freely inside without actually having to touch the shell of the cocoon. It wasn’t big enough to send the digested material spilling out.

The smell was horrendous and Levi felt tears spilling out of the corners of his eyes. Even with a first line of defense on his face, nothing had prepared him for the stench of rotting flesh mixed with digestive juices and a titan steam. It had his head spinning and Levi found himself teetering to a tree as far away as possible from the scent but still at least near enough to keep an eye on the cocoon.

He took a break and he made sure it was a quick one. He counted down two minutes to be exact. He only had ten to twenty minutes to finish this little project before a titan appears or worse, his squad starts to look for him. He had little time to waste.

He removed his cloak, folded it and wrapped it tightly around his face, covering all the way up to his eyes which were burning from the stench.

This wasn’t a test of courage nor was it a life threatening combat situation. As Levi got closer to the cocoon, he quickly memorized his surroundings before pulling the cloak up to his head. For that five minutes, he could spare his vision and his full range of movement. He could be as cowardly as he wanted to be.

But really, he would have rather been facing thirty titans at that moment.

Levi found himself having to talk to himself, having to coax himself through the motions just to be able to get his feet moving towards that horrible stench. All he had to do was feel around for the cocoon, dip the jar in, quickly put the cap over it, run away and the hell should be over.

“Levi, why are you here? And why are you like...” A voice rang out in the darkness.

The hell would have been over. It seemed like the devil heard his monologue and opened up another circle of hell.

“Hange?” He had attempted to say. The cloth had gotten caught in his mouth and it had ended up sounding a little more like a muffle. He had tried to enunciate the words a bit before the fold of his cloak got further caught in his mouth.

Levi should have godly balance with the amount of experience he had flying through the air, killing man eaten beasts. At that moment, incapacitated by the foul odor, the awkwardness of the situation, the embarrassment of being caught in it and the disorientation that came with having a piece of cloth tightly wound over his whole head, Levi lost his balance for the first time in years.

He fell forward with a big, loud and incredibly putrid splash.

“Hey! Are you okay?”

Levi felt arms around him before the putrid and mildewy smell rushed up his nose, taking his consciousness with it.

“Get yourself together!”

                                    Passion Project

When Levi came to, the odor hadn’t left. In fact, it was more pungent that he could even remember and Levi had to bury his face on the cloak that was conveniently in front of him to stop himself from hurling whatever those odors were pushing out of him.

The cloak didn’t smell as clean as his own. Any smell though far enough from the one he had just witnessed was a good enough respite. The respite didn’t last long though, soon enough the scent did creep up on him and as Levi soon realized, the cloak had the beginnings of that same odor.

He was the one who smelled like it. That exact moment when the odor did rush through him into his nostrils and spread to both up his head and down his throat, the horse he had been riding broke rhythm and had Levi jumping in his seat.

“Stop….” Stop the horse. Levi felt the contents of his stomach quickly climb up as if the odor had pulled them out himself.

“Levi, you okay?”

Of course I’m not! Levi would have wanted to say. Before he could even ponder the ridiculousness of the question, his body took over his inhibitions.

The last thing he remembered before faded out of consciousness was the cloak in front of him drenched with his own personal cocktail of digestive juices.

                                          Passion Project

“Good morning!”

It had been a week since they got back from the expedition

“I brought breakfast.”

And he had been waking up to that same view of Hange by the door since he started to get a better sense of his surroundings.

The breakfast consisted of bread and egg whites just like he requested. He had attempted a more daring combination of food when he first woke up, and the first night Hange had even tried to serve him black tea. The foul odor which still lingered like a ghost made itself particularly known through his taste buds. With the more daring food choices, Levi found himself facing a disgusting mix of rotten mildew and edible food which had him nauseated if not throwing up at just the first bite.

With the plain choice of egg whites and a piece of bread, he was at least able to placate that little ghost of an odor. He didn’t enjoy the tastes and the sensations which still stung at his throat and rushed to his nose in the most inopportune time. As Hange had told him though countless times since they got back from the expedition, he still had to eat.

He was halfway through the harrowing experience of chewing the bread when Hange spoke up.

“I looked into the samples you took and I think I found out why it smelled weird. To be honest, I threw up too when I opened the jar.” It was just like her to have a little lack of awareness at the fact that Levi was still far from recovered from the titan cocktail debacle and the fact that he was still eating when she mentioned it.

Levi willed himself to swallow the last morsels of bread. “You really want to talk about it now?” he asked, eyeing the plate of egg whites in front of him. The egg whites were starting to look less appetizing by the second. As if they were appetizing. Levi almost forgot how ‘appetizing’ actually feels like.

“We can talk about something else first,” Hange suggested.

Levi pushed the plate away. “No, go ahead.” He had lost all motivation to force the food down his throat. Somehow, the explanation for his one week of recovery that followed that splash into what could have been hell seemed to be more ‘appetizing.’

“The cocoon on top of the rotting flesh and organic matter, was the ideal environment for some fungi to grow too. And that pungent smell was released by the fungi when their vacuum was disturbed…” Hange started. “On top of the titan spit and the rotting bodies…”

Levi knew it was odd. Despite being his fastidious self, Levi had been exposed to enough disgusting things to have at least been able to stand the odor. He had been drenched with titan blood. He had been surrounded by dead bodies a few times. That odor shouldn’t have been enough to knock him out.

But it did.

The pungent odor was cruel. It lingered for days. In fact, even Erwin had sympathized as if he knew how horrible that smell had been. He had given him the week off after the expedition to get his life together after. It was Hange who had stayed in the room while he alternated between the bed and the bathroom. It was Hange who forced him to eat enough so he wouldn’t starve to death.

That week while he recovered from the ordeal of a head first splash into the cocoon juice, his life consisted of sleeping and showering and struggling to eat in between.

“Figures…” Levi said

“And for someone as obsessed with cleanliness as you, of course it would have made you a little sicker.” Hange paused for a second and her lips curled up subtly. “And you did dunk your head in.”

Levi blinked back the memory of that fiasco. It had seemed like a fevered dream then. From what he understood, he had flitted in and out of consciousness on the way back from the last expedition. There were voices discussing the logistics of transporting an unconscious yet stinky captain and one notable voice that had stuck out, so confidently volunteering to have him ride behind her. The only proof that it was anything but a fevered dream was that vivid memory of throwing up half conscious on Hange’s horse and the strong bout of embarrassment that followed. So strong that Levi felt the blood rush through his face just thinking about it. He ended up looking away. That was the last thing he wanted to recall then. He coughed. “Did you find out anything else from those samples?”

Hange shook her head, looking regretful. “Nothing much that could have hinted to the origins of titans. So far… It was all rotting organic matter. The cocoon had smoked when you opened up, which means if there were fluids from within the titan, they might have evaporated already by the time you got the samples.”

“So it was all a waste?”

“Not really. I don’t think I’ve ever seen that type of fungi in my life. Maybe I could study it in my free time,” Hange said. “And you can help by telling me all about your experience.”

That wouldn’t be an experience Levi would have been happy to recall. But if she were going to continue looking at him with that same wonder and curiosity, with that same wide smile and starry eyes, he might just comply.

He didn’t tell her that though but he didn’t reject her either. “Maybe…”

“I’m sorry. I never got to thank you for the samples...” Hange’s cheeks were a little rosier which only made Levi stare at that smile for a little longer. “I was planning on getting samples during that expedition but then I found you there... getting them for me… Why did you?”

“You like studying titans right?”

“But I know you don’t like that I do it. You hate titans and you’re a clean freak. And I was, studying them, enjoying it, making messes, sometimes endangering lives…Ever since before, when I started focusing more on titan research, you don’t visit as often and when I suggested we capture a titan, you kept ignoring me. It’s like you’ve been avoiding me. And with what happened in the lab... You told me yourself you didn’t want to talk to me anymore… So I didn’t expect this at all…”

Levi admitted, he regretted those last few words. But everything before that, those biweekly tea dates, those hours he spent just waiting for her in the lab. How could those have been interpreted as him not wanting to see her? “Weren’t you the one a little too obsessed with your research?”

Hange widened her eyes. “Was I?”

“All you did was coop yourself up in the lab, I had to be the one to take you out for baths, force you to actually spend time with me. How the hell does that make you think I didn’t want to hang out with you.”

“Because you always sounded angry when we actually talked.”

“Did I?” Levi had to concede, she had been annoying and frustrating and maybe he had raised his voice at her. And he did have to knock her out a few times to get her to bathe. But did he really have any other choice?

“You knocked me out to bathe me,” Hange said pointedly.

“Maybe because I thought you should take care of yourself more and Moblit has been trying to tell you that for years.”

“Yes I get that Levi but knocking people out actually does the complete opposite of self care. You could have asked nicely.”

“Weren’t you listening? Moblit has been asking you nicely for years.” Levi hissed. “I had to resort to that because you weren’t listening to anyone. If the titans were the ones who reminded maybe you would have actually listened,” Levi turned to her and narrowed his eyes. “Does your relationship with your squad mean anything to you? Does our relationship mean anything to you? Or is the only thing in your head just titans now?”

Hange’s eyes were wide with shock for a while. The realization he could make out in her face was enough for Levi to stop and wait for her response. Her expression was at least enough for him to want to listen to what she had to say next.

“Maybe you’re right… I’ve been a little too excited,” Hange’s expression softened. “It’s been so long since I’ve gotten this excited over something. When I see titans, I’m excited, when I see an abnormal die, I get angry. When I got Ilse’s journal and read through it, Levi… I felt something bubble inside me and I was ecstatic for days. Is this hope? Wonder? There’s so much we don’t know about this world… I don’t know, I don’t think I’ve ever been this emotional in my life and lately, I get so excited just waking up every single day. How would you describe this feeling?”

Hange’s words were stilted and it was apparent that she was talking while coming up with what to side. Her words were coming out faster than her mind was coming up with them. Yet at the same time, they flowed so easily and smoothly, like an unimpeded stream.

Passion Levi could only suspect one emotion that could do just that to people. And as Hange started to talk about the one thing that had made her so emotional, so excitable and so hyper fixated that past five years. When he saw the way her eyes wandered around the room, probably not focused on her surroundings but on the memories of all those creatures that had made her so excitable, he was sure she was seeing more colors and more sensations.

He himself was no stranger to it. The past five years, he had been more irritable, more angry, more frustrated. At the same time, he had been happier. Back then, when they had first met, he never did understand what kept her rambling on to other people about nonsense. But somehow, with the amplification of his own emotions the past five years, the sudden emotional investment he gave to specific things, he started to emphasize.

You have your passion projects and I have mine. Levi closed his eyes and looked away. The truths and implications behind that sentence had Levi’s chest hurting and it brought back the memories of his own fractured ribs from many years ago having been squeezed by a titan. His heart was hurting and the pain rushed all the way up to his mouth.

And Levi swallowed it back in as quickly and as violently as it had rushed out.

“Hey? You okay? You’re gonna puke again?”

“No,” Levi managed to answer. He wondered though if he had come out as a croak or as a coherent answer. He kept his eyes closed and detached himself from his surroundings, allowing himself one final reflection of what had rocked him so violently to the core.

The realization came after an eternity that could have probably only lasted a few seconds. She was his passion project. Somehow, he wished that he had been hers too.

When Levi opened his eyes again, Hange had pushed a basin in front of him, ready to catch anything that comes out of him. She was staring at him so intently, saying things about keeping it down, getting some rest but he hadn’t been listening.

He saw wonder in her eyes. He felt concern in her tone. And maybe, underneath all that, there could have been care, and possibly even passion. Do I make you feel the same way? Do you feel things with me that you don’t feel with titans?  Somehow, he had managed to convince himself that the expression she gave him as they locked eyes, were only his to enjoy.

“I’m fine.” As quickly as that feeling clenched at his chest and pushed the bile up at his throat, it pushed it back down again and with it had placated that war that waged inside him.

“Hey, you scared me. I thought you were gonna get sicker again and go on those long naps again. The last time you ever slept that long was in the hospital.”

Of course Hange would know. She had been the one visiting everyday. “I won’t. Besides, you’ve been visiting everyday right? Don’t you have research to do?” Levi asked.

“Well, I thought I’d wait for you to feel better first. Besides, there are things I wanna test and I’d rather you were there with me.”

I thought I’d wait for you to feel better first. Levi found himself smiling. “Thanks for taking care of me.” For once, she had picked him over titans.

“Of course, you’re humanity’s strongest and we have lots of work to do when you’re out of leave. Erwin still needs reports on the new blades and we’re going to have to redo the titan capture strategy if you’re willing to help out…”

As quickly as the smile had curled up his lips, it morphed into a grimace.

“But first things first, let’s focus on getting you up to speed. Are you going to finish those egg whites? You’re not doing yourself any favors leaving it like that.”

With the right prodding, Hange managed to get Levi to swallow those egg whites in spite of her incessant and detailed rambles about her findings on that very unappetizing cocoon.

                                  Passion Project

Levi did not doubt it. Hange did live with passion. He felt it as a tingle in his eyes when he would count the stars in her eyes as she reported the results of her research over strategy meetings and nights of cafe. He felt it as blood rushing to his ears when he’d hear her shrill screams from up on the wall as he proved another one of her hypotheses about titans correct. He felt it when his nose burned as he entered the lab, only to have to knock her out for another bath.

It was fairly obvious what had been breathing life and passion into her. Those feelings were all tied to one thing--- titans. To save himself the potential pain of expecting something from the unexpected, Levi chalked up her passion for titans as an inevitable truth.

Sometimes though, he was the object of her shrill screams or those stars in her eyes. In those few times, he stood corrected. And in those not-so-few occasions he was proven wrong, Levi was happy for hours, maybe even days.

“I wonder if you’ll still get this much praise if they find out how much of a neat freak you are.”

One of the few places Hange seemed to give him more attention than usual was the ride to the gates of the walls. It was that heavenly in-between. Hange was too far from her lab, yet still too far from the field to be considering titans. And for those few moments, sometimes he did have her full attention.

Just like every other time she engaged in a non-titan related conversation with him, it was music to his ears. Those moments always came as a welcome reprieve Levi wished would never end.

“Just beyond these walls is a world of titans…”

Just like all other reprieves though it ended. Levi used the view of the gates rising in front of him as some sort of distraction to her passionate tirade

“I wonder what kind of titans I’ll meet today...”

And once again, Levi heard the passion. That time in the music in her voice as she trailed off.

“I would really love it if we ran into an abnormal!” Of course, Hange played favorites even among her favorites.

“There’s an abnormal nearby already.” That little provocation from Levi had come up as something so casual and emotionless. Yet, Hange ate it up so quickly, Levi was sure that was where her appetite went.

“Really? Where?” Even within the confines of the wall, she was still looking for them. As if she didn’t have enough test subjects, samples and records within the walls to stare at.

And that train of thought in particular had Levi wheeling his horse a little closer to her, just to mess with her a little more. Maybe illicit some reaction from her.

“Over here.” I’m the abnormal titan. I’ll be the abnormal titan you’re so idiotically looking for within the walls.

Hange only returned his look with a confused one of her own. He looked for stars in her eyes or maybe a flush in her cheeks to find none. She just seemed utterly confused and unpreturbed and Levi found himself feeling a little disappointed in return.

Titans were disgusting. They were filthy. They were chaotic creatures. In that split second where he felt himself manifesting just a little the titans Hange loved so, he wished he were one of them, just so she could look at him, just so she could talk to him with that same sing song voice and scream at him with that same shrill sound.

“Soldiers ready!” Erwin’s voice rang out among the crowd, so naturally grabbing everyone’s attention, notably his and Hange’s.

His duty as a soldier was always priority though. As quickly as he had manifested that jealousy towards the titans, he forced it out of his mind. When Erwin demanded attention, those passion projects took a backseat, something he would only reserve a minute or so to ponder in between titan kills.

He had expected that expedition to be similar.

It turned out though, there wasn’t much mind space or emotional space to consider that passion project any longer. With the siege of Trost, the capture of titans, the 57th expedition and the quickly progressing chain of events that followed, the frustration at the unrequited feelings that came with his passion project had faded into nothing more than a regularly passing thought.

Hange never left. In fact, he was working with her more closely than before. Her projects, her experiments, her conclusions and her crackpot theories fueled by passionate research were just turning out to be more and more crucial with every development.

It was slow going and sometimes Levi did entertain that green eyed monster that would pay its occasional visit. With each turn of event and with each truth uncovered though, Levi did eventually have to accept the harsh truth that accompanied their reality.

Maybe, it was for the better that the titans kept their rightful place, the center stage of Hange’s little passion project.

[love-bokumono-fics]

in your opinion, which harvest moon or sos games are worth playing and which are not? Are the older titles worth it?

So I have to confess, I have played relatively few HM/SoS games to completion. "Completion" meaning: over a year in-game played, got married, had a kid, and/or completed whatever story there is to be done. I am also of the mind that if something makes me happy, regardless of how old, or objectively "bad" it might be considered, it's worth playing. It makes me happy, it's time well spent.

So if you're looking for an actual critical, and well thought out review of the games, I am not the blog to ask. There are lots of other people out there who have given more thought to the matter than I have.

For the record, the games I have played are: Back to Nature, HM 3 GBC, (More) Friends of Mineral Town, Island of Happiness, Save the Homeland, SoS1, Trio of Towns, SoS Friends of Mineral Town, and I'm working my way through Pioneers of Olive Town.

I've played a little bit of Tale of Two Towns, and A New Beginning, but I didn't get very far in either of those before getting distracted with other things. I enjoyed them while I was playing, but also neither of them captured my attention enough to stay invested long term. Make of that what you will.

I never played any of the titles that were released on Game Cube or Wii, and I basically didn't play anything between 2007 and 2014. Which some people will say is when the best games came out, and I missed out on the best titles, but I never played them so I can't offer an opinion on them. And I haven't played any of the Harvest Moon titles since the split.

So of the ~25 games that we have under the Hm/SoS umbrella, I've played 10, and 4 of them are technically the same game remade on different consoles so let's say 6. Several of the games I played as a literal child, and when I upgraded to the next technology generation, I lost my ability to play them. Others I picked up again as an adult and thoroughly enjoyed my time playing.

As for the "worth" of the game, it really depends on what you, personally, want from your game. I've already given you my definition of "worth". I realize it is not Everyone's definition of "worth". Nonny, I suspect, that since you're asking me in the first place, "it makes me happy" isn't the only reason you want/need to invest time and effort into playing a game. I cannot tell you which games you think will be "worth it."

I think each game has it's own value. It offers something that other's don't. Different characters, different farming mechanics, different stories, and I think each one, in its own way has some value to impart on the players.

My long-time favorite game has been the Mineral Town games, ever since we got BTN in 2000 I fell in love with the premise, the characters, the setting. I bought the gameboy versions when they hit stores, and they are the games I most consistently return to when I want something comfortable.

Compared to recent games though, the Mineral Town ones are Really Basic. And while I love the games for their nostalgia, I know some people will be bored to tears by them of they go from playing the more recent games to that. Even when FoMT hit the switch last sumer I had a bit of whiplash going "oh, there's so little on the calendar, and I only have how many different crops to grow? nothing grows in winter? okay." because I had just come off from playing Trio of Towns.

If you want to be busy and have 100 goals to meet, stick to the newer games. If you just wanna chill and do whatever, try some of the older games if you can.

I think, if you have the time/ability to go back and play the old games, and you want to do it, then by all means, go for it!

A lot of them are only available to play on technology that a lot of people don't have floating around their homes anymore. If they didn't get a next gen port to an easily accessible console, so unless you still have a functioning PS2 or GBA, you're not going to have the chance to play them. Yeah, emulators are out there and they work, but in my experience they're also annoying and buggy, and not an ideal way to play the games. If you have the consoles, but not the games, getting your hands on copies can be very expensive.

You are already prone to play the old games. You're gonna play them regardless of my opinions on them. You're gonna shell out the cash or set up the emulator, or dust off the Wii and pray it still works, and i hope you enjoy your time playing!

These games have been coming out over 20+ years at this point, and while many of them are just remakes/reskins/girl versions, that's still so much time covered in video game technology. And comparing the earliest games to the most recent ones is more of an exercise in frustration and futility. You're never going to find the right answer.

(I also don't know what your personal gauge for 'old' is, Nonny. Because Old for me are games that are 20 years old. Old for you might be games that are 5 years old, which was like... last week from my perspective, so...)

All this to say, I guess I'll give a brief opinion on the games I have played, and y'all can make your decisions as you please from there.

Back to Nature/Mineral Town Games: My OG game. Always holds a dear spot in my heart for nostalgia. Love the town, love the characters, love the music, can do no wrong, a very enjoyable, if basic, farming game. Easy to play for a bit, set down for a while, and pick up and play again without feeling like you've forgotten you were in the middle of something important.

HM GBC 3: Pretty sure I was 10 last time I played it, so grain of salt. I found it more boring than the MT games, the town and maps were smaller, none of the characters had portraits, I didn't really get all of the details to make the farm work. I'm sure if I went back now as an adult I would have a better time, but I have no desire to emulate it. If you want to emulate it, go for it, but be warned that if you play as a girl, the game ends after you get married. Doesn't do that if you play as a boy so...

Save the Homeland: I kept going back to replay this game for years. I thought the premise was fun, and I always wanted to try and get all of the endings, but never did. I would buy it again in a heartbeat if it got remastered. Different from other games tho, in that you only get one year to play and get an ending, and once you do, the game restarts you at Spring 1 and nobody knows who you are again. You get to keep your animals and house upgrades, but there's no dating and marriage.

Island of Happiness: I love the setting and the characters, but god FUCK that weather system. Can't get shit to grow unless you obsessively track if it rains and how sunny it is and it completely ruined the game for me. I tried playing it again a couple years back and couldn't be bothered to keep tracking stuff. I never once unlocked all of the crops or livestock on any of my playthroughs. Did manage to play long enough to get married once.

SoS1: The game that convinced me to go back to buying new stuff after IoH kind of put me off new HM games for the better part of a decade (I had FoMT to replay it was fine). Liked it well enough, thought some of the characters were a bit bland, but still enjoyable enough to get married and have a kid. Unlocking all the vendors is a bitch though, and I still haven't gotten them all. A fine game, but if you're only going to play One 3DS game, I wouldn't suggest this one.

Trio of Towns: This one ties with FoMT as my favorite game! I love everything about it. The Characters, the setting and premise, the music, the depth of events. There's so much to do, there's never a boring day, but that can also feel overwhelming if you're the kind if person who tries to do everything at once. Not as easy to pick up and put down as some of the more basic games, but it's very replayable in my book and I keep coming back to it.

Pioneers of Olive Town: It's a middling game for me. Like SoS1, it's fine, but unlike SoS1, there's very little to do in the game. I completed the "main story" in less than a year without putting in much effort to complete things in a timely manner. The characters and the game had So Much Potential, particularly after 3oT, and all of it fell flat in my expectations. Plus some of the technical issues we all experienced at launch. Now, I'm still playing it, I don't hate the game, and the updates have made things better. But with the story done and all of the characters feeling a bit Flat, I'm biding my time between DLC updates to see if I want to marry any of the special candidates instead of the base game characters. I'll probably keep playing long enough to get married and probably unlock everything on the farm, but beyond that I'm not super invested.

My final verdict is, if you have a 3DS, get Trio of Towns, if you only have a Switch, get Friends of Mineral Town. If you want to put forth the time and effort into acquiring the old games, or emulating them, by all means go for it.

[underthedekutree]

Young Link might have PTSD - Part 2: Termina is NOT a Parallel World, Technically

This is a continuation of my last post so if you’re seeing this and haven’t read it, go here.

This is the part where I somewhat smoothly segue into Majora’s Mask. Link, lonely and filled with unprocessed trauma, leaves Hyrule in search of Navi. According to most sources (which take from Hyrule Historia probably? don’t quote me on it), Link falls down a hole into Termina, a parallel world to Hyrule, that contains many familiar looking denizens of Hyrule, but playing different roles. And well, if you probably guessed by the title, I have a rather different interpretation.

Okay, so in a nutshell my theory is that Termina is in fact all a dream, kind of like Koholint Island. Except the one dreaming up this world isn’t some deity like the Giants or Skull Kid or the Moon. It’s Link.

(big explainey hoo hah below)

Evidence 1: Link begins the game sleeping. Yes, I know literally every Zelda game begins this way and it’s a whole tradition thing. I am beginning with the weakest points first and working my way up to the strong ones. We’ll get there.

Evidence 2: The reuse of character and environment models from Ocarina of Time. The literal IRL reason for this is of course the game famously being given only one year of production time, which meant that the most practical method was to reuse as much material from MM’s predecessor as possible (eg. Romani Ranch sign is the Kakariko Village sign, and still says Kakariko Village on it). It seems like a rather offhand afterthought for Nintendo to chalk it all up to “oh its just a parallel world like Link to the Past or something. But think of it like this; when we dream, we often see familiar people from throughout our lives put in strange and unexpected situations, like that irritable old farmhand you hated so much is now a depressed circus master for some reason. Dreams don’t make sense. Things you know will mix with other strange inexplicable things, fleeting thoughts in your mind, all roughly tied together by whatever emotions you had been feeling when you went to bed. Malon is split into two people, Romani and Cremia, her older and younger self. This might reflect how Link feels about Malon, that she changed so much in those 7 years that she’s like a different person entirely, that it’s hard for him to process that they are the same, because the change was so shockingly sudden for him.

Evidence 3: Gorons in the snow, Gerudo by the sea. Yes, I know that sounds a lot like good evidence for a parallel world (that’s why the idea is widely accepted in the first place, it has merit), but it also works in as dream world evidence too. As a child, my family was obsessed with skiing. We would go to the same mountain every winter, and we would stay at the same lodge. It almost became like a second home for me. So much so, that one night I dreamed that my house had been replaced by the lodge, so it wasn’t on a snow-capped mountain, but in a bushy Australian suburb. Okay that kinda got off subject but I’m bad at conclusions so in summary Dreams Just Be Like That (tm). You get what I’m saying right? No? Sorry, let’s just move on.

Evidence 4: The Milk Bar. AKA my favourite location in the game! It’s often overlooked as the “haha funny they couldn’t put alcohol in kids game so its kiddy milk hee hee”, but it is actually a strong thematic pillar of Majora’s Mask. As I mentioned in Part 1, if you put a 9 year old in a 16 year old’s body and call him an adult before ripping that all away is probably going to leave the kid with an identity crisis. What is a mature place open at late hours when children are sleeping? A bar. What is a drink associated with the young, being produced for the purpose of helping children grow? Milk. No please don’t go I swear there’s more to this, stay with me. In order to gain access to the bar, Link must prove he is mature enough by wearing a mask, a disguise, like Adult Link is to Young Link. Being adult isn’t earned through years of natural living experience and mental development, it’s a thing you are given by adults to just BE when they deem you worthy, at least from how Link sees it. So that is the amalgamation of dream thoughts that is the Milk Bar. Is it mature? Is it childish? What is the line between the two? Is there one? It’s the culmination of his anxieties and confusions that he doesn’t know how to express. Another, smaller expression of this anxiety is the Clock Town Guards. When Link is a Deku, the guards say they don’t allow children outside the gates. When Link turns back however, the guard goes to stop him because he looks too young, but sees that he has a sword, and lets him pass. Why the sword? Well, in one way this is a callback to Kokiri Forest, where Mido doesn’t let Link see the Deku Tree until he has a sword. But also, what is the item that lets Link travel through time and become an adult in OOT? The Master Sword. Link seems to believe that adulthood is measured by the things you have, physical markers of maturity, which is how lots of children see adulthood. You’re an adult if you can drink, if you’re tall, if you��re married, if you have a house, a car etc. But in reality this isn’t how it works. Heck, I’m technically an adult but I sure as hell don’t feel like one, because I know I still have things to learn about responsibility, patience and all the other things, that can only come with time, which is the moral conclusion of OOT, but clearly Link missed the memo. Don’t get me wrong, there are some indicators to show he’s grown a bit. He can ride Epona, use the bow, do flips like some kind of acrobat etc. But those strange and confused feelings linger, and manifest in the young boy’s dreams.

Evidence 5: The four transformation masks. The four masks represent different aspects of Link’s self, and the way he grew and changed in OOT. Deku Scrub the Innocent, Goron the Confident, Zora the Mature and Fierce Deity the Hero. Link began only knowing the Kokiri Forest, and nothing of the world outside. As he set out on his journey, he grew more confident in his skills and defeated greater foes. When evil took over, he learned from his fatal mistake and worked to right it. And when it was finally time to face the greatest threat, he was ready, with all the heart pieces, bottles full of fairies, Biggoron Sword in hand. At that moment he struck the final blow he probably felt like the strong and unstoppable hero everyone in Hyrule told him he needed to be. And that feeling of pure uncompromising strength, with the whole world behind him, manifested in the Fierce Deity. Fierce Deity is much taller than Adult Link, and packs so much of a punch that he can beat Majora without batting an eye, like some overpowered Super Saiyan. It reminds me a lot of Undertale, with young Asriel becoming what he imagines to be an all-powerful godlike being, like something you’d see as a children’s drawing. Fierce Deity gives off those vibes, like “he has a HUGE SWORD that SHOOTS BEAMS OF LIGHT and he’s 8 FOOT TALL and CAN KILL ENEMIES IN A SINGLE BLOW!!” Before the final battle on the moon, when Majora gives you the mask, he childishly asks if you want to play a game of good guys and bad guys. And the good guy always wins, no matter what. Fierce Deity makes the final boss a cakewalk, but its supposed to.

Evidence 6: Anju and Kafei. Short one, because it falls a lot into everything else I’ve said regarding childhood vs adulthood. Kafei is effectively a switcheroo of what happened to Link in OOT. An adult shrunk back to childhood, uncomfortable in his new body and looking for a way to fix everything. He’s a reflection of how Link now kinda feels like an adult in a child’s body, because he had started to be used to being called an adult.

Evidence 7: The Moon. I haven’t super touched on the main meat of the game yet, so here it is. The moon and the 3 day mechanic is an allegory for constant mounting pressure, that builds and builds, never ceasing, because the world is in danger, and there’s only one person who has been chosen to save it. I’ve always been interested in the Chosen One narrative, and how different media explore the idea of the world’s very existence being pushed onto one person. How at the end of it all, they can never be the same again after all they’ve gone through. When you’re somehow expected to hold up the Moon itself single-handed, and your life and everything you care about suffers because you’re putting everyone else before yourself. That feeling of complete loneliness under a crushing weight, and although other characters may come to help you, in the end its still all down to you, and you never had a choice in any of it, as all the decisions were made by someone else. You must do what they tell you. Believe in yourself, believe...

Evidence 8: Skull Kid. The story goes that long ago in Termina, the Skull Kid and the Giants played together, until one day, the Giants left, leaving the Skull Kid alone and heartbroken, with nobody to turn to. As life moves on, things may change, and people always come and go from your life. Your friend might move overseas, or stop texting you, or you might fall out of friendship after an awkward event from which you could never recover (no, these have totally not all happened to me, shut up i’m fine), or your fairy companion might just disappear without so much as a goodbye after their task is complete. And it feels like you didn’t matter at all. That they never really cared about you, and you’re as easy to drop and move on from as a child’s toy. You might get angry, and want to shut them out, and give them a taste of their own medicine. Majora’s Mask teaches you that this isn’t the case. Life is ever changing, but you will always have the memories of times with your friends, and a chance to make more with new friends, like a sassy talkative fairy sprite and her shy brother or a child made of wood who wants to destroy the world. Friends come from unlikely places, so accept that change will happen and hope that wherever the people you knew are, they’re okay. You’re thinking about them, so they might be thinking about you too. And who knows? Life is unpredictable. They might just come back one day, and it’ll be like they were never gone.

Evidence 9 (the final one, I promise): The Song of Healing. At the end of all things, after losing ones you love, connections to family and friends, memories of things long past... you need time to heal. Link’s journey through Termina is a constant gauntlet of running into his own past traumas, forced to relive them again, and again, and again. But sometimes you should take a deep breath, gather your thoughts, and take time to heal. Although it can be important to confront your fears and learn to surpass them, it is exhausting, and you can end up more emotionally broken than when you started. The three masks all had regrets of powerlessness; unable to protect your community, your loved ones, or even yourself. Troubles you’ve gone through that keep plaguing your mind, and you’re wondering if you’ve done enough, seeking answers where none can be found. And the best thing you can do... is accept and move on. Be kind to yourself, and give yourself time to heal. Link’s way of processing his grief and trauma is to create an entire hellscape world in his own head, but not everyone processes it the same way. Sometimes you feel like you need to busy yourself, or listen to soothing music, or talk to people you trust, or spend copious amounts of money, or make some angst art, or cuddle your plush toys until their stuffing squeezes out. Sometimes life hits you in the face and you want to blame yourself for standing in the firing line, but it’s not your fault. It’s okay to feel however you feel, whether you’re drenched in a pool of tears or you just feel numb, it’s okay and natural. You’re okay. You’re here.

Okay so it got kinda personal at the end there but I hope it was informative, and made you think a little bit differently about Majora’s Mask and Ocarina of Time. You probably want to go back and play them now. Me too.

So was this all just an excuse for me to gush about how cool Majora’s Mask is? Hell fucking yes it was. Congratulations for making it through my monstrous ramblings, you get the secret prize of looking at my weird art on my DA. Here you go. Have a nice day, Zelda Nerds.

[streetsteel]

.: Gloves Compartment

The SIM card clicks into place, the soft sound muffled by electronics and the plastic casing of a cheap flip phone. Jay hesitates to close the small cap over the opening in which he just slid the card, but ultimately decides against it. It’ll be easier to access it after the call is done. He doesn’t want to waste time. Once this is done, there’ll be little left to do but to wait. 

He punches the numbers in, one by one, making sure he doesn’t make a mistake. He only gets one go at this. Hopefully, whoever he’s calling will pick up their phone. The wait, however short it should be with phone calls, is already unbearable. Jay finds himself fidgeting, finding his switchblade to pop the blade out and back in, out and back in, out and back in as the call tonality rings in his ear. Come on. Come on, pick up the phone. Five rings in, Jay almost hangs up when a voice can be heard on the other end of the line. 

“What is it?” The gruff, deep voice doesn’t miss a beat. Always straight to business, especially when ‘Unknown Caller’ shows up on his phone screen. 

“Didn’t get caught yet, an’ I’m still alive, so I thought I’d call ya again. I got one last service to ask, then I’ll forget your number forever.” Half a lie. Jay doesn’t forget when it comes to numbers, but he’ll be out of the guy’s hair as soon as he has what he wants. 

In Mauville City, private investigator J.P. Baxter sighs and runs a hand through his hair. It’s too early for this. He’s not paid enough for this shit. Jay can imagine the tired look on the man’s face, the creases under his eyes a dark purplish hue as he looks at the alarm clock on his night stand. The Aqua can hear the older man grunting and groaning, probably sitting up and rubbing his eyes. 

“You know I don’t do services, kid.” 

“If money’s your thing, you’re in luck. This poor asshole got some for ya.” No more favors. He can’t risk hanging out around the other man, that’d be a dead giveaway that they’ve worked together. However, when it comes to sneaking money somewhere… 

“What you had for me last time was dangerous as fuck. Give me one reason to accept something from you again.” Baxter’s annoyed, Jay can tell without seeing him. True, he might have called out of the blue after promising they were done. But there’s one last thing. There’s always one last thing. 

“You’re the only guy I know who could do that. I can’t count on anyone but ya for that one.” 

Hell, a little flattery could go a long way. Doesn’t hurt either. Jay doesn’t have to fully believe it, although it would make things much easier than to look for another P.I. who wouldn’t scam him out of money and sell him to the cops. Needed one who had enough of the brass to not trust them at all. Like him. 

“Look, you got what you wanted last time, I—”

“The cash is in your car’s gloves box. 1.5k now, 2.5 later.” 

“You snuck into my car to put 1.5 grand in my gloves box? What the fuck?” At that, Jay can’t help but let out a short bark of laughter. In Slateport, on the bench where he is sitting, a Wingull finds perch, only to be chased away by Kukri and Sibyl. 

“Come on. It’s already there,” he tries to coax the man into accepting, his tone bordering on pleading. He can’t hide his amusement, he’s damn-well pleased with himself. 

On the other end, Baxter sighs. Jay can almost hear the old, rusty cogs turning in his head. On one side, no more services. On the other side, four grand in cash. 

“Where did you get that mon—”

“It’s an easy job. I just need you to tell me a yes or a no. Just an answer to a simple question. Come on, Detective. For old times’ sake.” 

Another sigh. Maybe he’s pushed it a bit. 

“How easy are we talking?” The deep voice of the private investigator took that tone of disinterested curiosity. It’s at this moment that Jay knows he has him. 

“Nothing hard. I just need some ballistics compared to those in an old police case in Goldenrod city. No dealin’ with Rocket, if that’s what’s scarin’ ya.” 

That’s what seems to sell the other on the job. It’s not hard, just a few connections to hit up. Easy pay, good money. 

“Y’know what, sure. I’ll check it out for ya.”

“You in?” Jay bites on his lower lip, throwing a glance around. No one to hear him yet. 

“Yeah, yeah, I’m in. I’ll just need the gun you wanna have checked, an’ I’ll compare that to the files we got. You got a precinct and case number for me?” 

Jay smiles. Gets up from his bench, whistling to call Sibyl and Kukri over. 

“You already got all that. Precinct number, case ID, gun—”

“I already—” Oh, the surprise. The surprise, and the incredulous realization. “You didn’t leave a fuckin’ gun in my ca—”

Crack. Jay snaps the phone in half, interrupting the conversation. Pulls the SIM card out of it, forces his knife through the chip. Chucks a half of the phone in one of the nearby bins. The card will find its way in the trashcan near a Sinnohan restaurant. The last bit of the phone, thrown in the back of a garbage truck that drives by. It’s trash pick-up day, and it’s all to his advantage. 

Now, to the hardest part of all.

Never has the waiting game been this rough.

[86-was-his-year]

Totally Rad | p.s.h

Warnings: Bullying, near sexual harassment, violence, swearing, domestic violence, anxiety, lots of crying, if you have an issue with any of these please don’t read this isn’t the right book for you.

Summary: It’s 1985 and arcades are the perfect place to meet your soulmate.

A/N: This took like 2 months and it’s like 12,000 words please don’t let this flop. Sorry for spelling errors I proofread as much as I could handle. 

The wind blows harshly as I make my way to the small arcade around the corner. It's a chilly October morning in 1985 and my thin sweater isn't doing enough to keep the wind out. I watch as the cars pass me by, all looking ahead ready to get to their desired destinations. They barely turned an eye toward a freezing kid on the side of the road, nobody trusted each other anymore. The small arcade came into view and I saw the doors filled with flyers and posters for new games that came in, as well as a small logo dead center.

'Pips Arcade'

The perfect job for a senior in high school. It was easy to work around here but I'd rather do this than scoop ice cream for the annoying kids down at the mall or be an assistant in a small news office. They treat women like slaves over there, my friend Betty told me so. She can't get a better job so she's currently stuck there.

"Y/N! You made it!" Maria, a small 15 year old girl stood behind the counter giving some kid their coins before telling them to have fun. She was always optimistic when it came to working, especially with the kids that came in.

"I'm five minutes early." She acted like I wasn't coming at all. Sometimes people really did leave her there and she called me at home to take her shift because she couldn't be out late. It wasn't her fault she was paranoid but it irked me just a tad to think that she thought I wasn't coming.

"I know. You're always early." She signed off on the slip of paper and I signed in before setting my things in the back room.

"Have a good night, Maria." The gave her a wide smile before shooing her away.

"Hey, my family is having a bonfire to burn all of our junk. Do you want to come. My parents would really like to meet you!" She held the door open for some more kids before turning back to me.

"I'll think about it." My response was short but I didn't hurt her feelings. I didn't plan on going but there was no reason to tell her that. Knowing her she'll invite five more people before hearing an official response from me. She's always been the type to make friends no matter who they were. It was kind of a gift if I was being honest.

"Bye!" She waved and let the door shut on it's own a small drift catching it's way in causing me to shiver behind the counter. It was really time to invest in a coat but with the stress of trying to buy a car and help my parents stay afloat it really wasn't the time to be selfish.

My family. An easy way to explain them would be dysfunctional, abusive, selfish. My older brother had left when he got the chance, but not before sticking it to my dad. I got beat for that one. We occasionally talk but its usually on holidays or if I can get access to a phone. Sometimes if the arcade is slow I borrow Pips landline and call my brother, he seldom answers. I look around at the kids and wonder why they get it so good, how a 10 year old can get two dollars from their mom or dad to get coins at the arcade. If I found money as a kid it was going straight to my parents no questions asked, the scar on my right hip reminds me of that.

"Excuse me miss?" I was pulled from my thoughts as a small kid walked up to the counter, "May I have some more coins please?" He put a dollar on the counter and I took it with a smile, handing him six coins back. Pip likes to be real generous so instead of the regular four coins he has us give them six, hes nice like that.

"Have fun." He laughed and ran away to give some to his friend. Sometimes I envy that. The look he gets when he has someone to talk to, someone to share with. I never had enough to share anything. I was about to go back into my thoughts when the bell in the door rang I turned to say a greeting and I stopped when I saw four teens walk through the door. They were jocks and anyone with a pair of eyes could see that, their varsity jackets clinging to their arms like a medal.

"Hello." I got over my shock and said a mandatory greeting, Pip likes us to be formal.

"Hi!" One of them shooed the others away and walked towards me. The closer he got the more intimidated and fidgety I became. At school jocks were known for unnecessary violence and bullying, I was always a target.

"W-what can can I get for you?" I felt my eyes slightly widen at my stutter it hadn't come out in years yet here it was crawling back up my throat. It was something I learned to control a while ago, my father insisting I not speak until I dealt with it. The boy looked at me and I saw something flash across his eyes it didn't look malicious to harmful but it looked different. Not like when my dad got angry after hearing my stutter. It was something else, something warm.

"Can I get some coins for a five?" He pulled out a five dollar bill and slid it across the counter putting his hands back into his pocket after I took the bill.

"Sure." I put the bill into the register and typed the number into the coin slot. I grabbed a small bag and put it under the receiver just to make it easier for him.

"Hey, you go to OS right?" I stopped in my tracks, "I think I've seen you around." I pressed the button and let the coins fall into the bag.

"Yeah, I do." I looked back and saw him watching me. I turned back to the coins and pulled them away from the receiver once it was done filling. I twisted the back and put it up onto the counter.

"You're a senior right, I think we have AP US History together." I looked down at my hands before looking back up at him.

"Maybe I'm not sure. I don't really talk to anyone in that class." I smiled lightly before looking away, keeping eye contact was so hard for me it almost felt impossible.

"Hey, Park!" He turned back and shooed his friends away for just a second.

"Well, I'll keep an eye out for you. You got a name?" I took a breath and pushed my fear away. I wasn't just going to leave him hanging I know it would haunt me for months to come. I wasn't going to be that girl.

"It's Y/N." I smiled at him and he smiled back, his teeth shining so bright I could almost think they were fake.

"Pretty, I'll see you around, Y/N." He took the bag from the counter and smoothly walked away. The way my name rolled off his lips made my heart skip a beat or two. I had never gotten attention like that and I couldn't help but want more of it, for some reason it felt good to be acknowledged by him. All my life it was beat her, call her names, make sure that she knows she's trash and soon I began to believe it but hes making me feel different. He even called my name pretty.

I scolded myself. I couldn't be thinking about this I didn't even know his name, I mean I know his last name is Park but only because it says it on his jacket. His last name with a big two on the back in black, white, and red, OS colors. Why didn't I see it before logically I should've known as soon as he walked in. I guess my fear just blinded my brain. I really wanted to look at him again and I looked up to find some of his friends looking at me, a small smile on their faces. I quickly looked away and went to cleaning under the shelves. Maria really needed to learn how to keep organized.

Time passed in the small arcade and kids came and went with smiles and laughs. It was great to see them happy. Them talking about girls or boys that they had crushes on or how their math teacher sucks Donkey Kong's dick, yes that's something I've actually heard. All their juvenile fears and worries are something that I have envied for so long. Sometimes my brain thinks of what my family could have been and honestly it's just my subconscious throwing a pity party for myself.

"Hey Y/N?" The boy from earlier came up to the counter with a little girl had to be no more than 8, her black hair pulled up in two ponytails secured with a pink ribbons. He smiled and slid another five over, "Can I get some more coins please?" I smiled and nodded taking the five and repeating the process over again. I put the coins in the bag and slid them back across the counter.

"Now," he crouched down to her level and handed her all the coins. "go take these and share them with the rest of the kids okay. You'll have so many friends you won't even believe." He patted the little girls shoulder and watched her as she ran off the coin jingling in her grasp.

"Thank you mister." She waved and went over to a small group of kids, offering the coins to play with her they all screamed in glee and hugged her. So, it was that easy to make friends huh?

"Why did you do that?" I couldn't hold back the curiosity he spent 10 dollars here today, 10 dollars. That's a lot for an arcade and money usually isn't tossed around like that.

"She was crying over there. She had no coins and no friends it's hard out there if you have no friends. Look at that," he pointed to the gathering at Pac Man. The girl was laughing and watching some boy play. "instant happiness."

"Why are you so nice?" The question came out like rushing water. I didn't want to push him because for all I know he could come out and be a total jerk.

"Where would I be in life if I was rude? There's really no point." He shrugged and leaned on the counter, his stance was calm. He watches his friends mess around at street fighter and he watched the girl with her new found friends at Pac Man.

"But you're a jock. You have every right to be rude." I sounded defensive and I urged myself to relax, my shoulder were tensed and my hands were crossed at my chest, my body basically telling him that I didn't trust him.

"I mean I play a sport yeah, and I have a bunch of friends but that doesn't give me the right to be rude. I think it's just a stereotype to be completely honest, based on some assholes who were jocks you know. Being a jerk only gets you alone." His words really rang true, I was stereotyping him and I found myself disgusted with myself.

"I'm sorry." I let my hands fall against the counter, finally relaxing.

"Its alright. I mean it's a stereotype for a reason. Some jocks do think they can get away with being rude. Not this one." He smiled and pointed to himself.

"I never got your name." I said pulling over the stool that sat there for slow days.

"Oh, its Seonghwa. Park Seonghwa." He pushed out his hand and I took it with a smile. He went back to leaning against the counter but this time he was facing me.

"Do you live around here?" He asked smiling. He held my eye contact and I found my heart skipping a few beats again.

"Um, no it's like 10 blocks away." I pointed in the direction my house and I finally took notice of the sky outside. The sun had set and it looked pitch black except for the dim yellow street lights that lit the roads.

"I didn't see another car in the parking lot, do you walk?" Worry flashes across his face and I found myself not wanting to tell him the truth. I had a feeling it would worry him even more if I confirmed his suspicions.

"Yeah but it really doesn't feel like a long time." I waved him off and smiled. He opened his mouth to say something but his friends interrupted him.

"Hey, Hwa I gotta get home. My moms got a casserole in the oven. Wanna join, you know she loves you." A short boy with blonde hair came up to Seonghwa and put an arm around him.

"No, I can't I got family plans tonight but I'll take you home." He stood up fully and the guys arm fell back to his side, not being able to comfortably sit on Seonghwas broad shoulders.

"And who's this pretty lady?" I found my cheeks heating up at the compliment. He seemed slick and his feline eyes held deep brown orbs. They are soft but sharp at the same.

"Guys this is Y/N, Y/N these are the guys." He moved out of the way and I stood up to politely greet them.

"Wooyoung." The blonde haired boy waved and moved to the side.

"Yeosang." He has beautiful auburn hair and brown eyes that I could stare into forever.

"Hongjoong." The last guy had light brown hair that came to a mullet at the end. And on his hand I saw one painted fingernail.

I hated to make the observation but Seonghwa really was better looking than all of them. With his tanned skin and heading highlights nobody in this group matched his complexion, he was almost unreal.

"It was really nice to meet you Y/N. We'll see you around." Seonghwa held the door open for his friends and waved to me as the door shut, letting the cold night air in again. I waved back and sighed my gut telling me that they were just going to tall about how ugly I was on the ride home. My brain really wouldn't let me have anything good.

"Hey kids, I'm gonna have to ask you to finish up your games." I went out from behind the counter and started shutting down the games that were being used, alas it was closing time at Pip's Arcade. One by one the kids walked out the door to their parents or I saw groups of them riding away on bikes the ideal transportation for kids these days. I began to wish that I had a bike when I was younger, the thought of being able to ride away from my parents whenever I wanted to because a little fantasy of mine. Maybe that's why they never let me buy a bike, I mean if I ever learned how to ride a bike that's what I would be doing.

I began to do small chores like wiping down the screens of the games as well as the windows and doors to the arcade. The keys and joysticks have already been disinfected and all the coins that were used today were put in a separate bucket to keep inventory. I refilled up the coin machine and double checked that everything else was stocked.

The bathrooms were usually the worst part, sometimes kids didn't flush and there was literal shit everywhere or the paper towels and toilet paper were thrown haphazardly around the room. Thankfully it wasn't as bad as it usually was, a couple napkins and candy wrappers here and there but nothing too bad and for sure nothing that I couldn't handle.

The last thing to do was to do a once-over of everything to make sure that it was all good before locking the back door and taking the trash out of the front, locking the glass doors behind me. Each one of the closing staff has a key of their own so we could just close up and Pip wouldn't have to worry about coming to close it up at night. I put the trash in the side bin and turned to go home.

"Hey, pretty girl!" I turned around in shock to find Seonghwa sitting on one of the small decorative poles we had set up at the front, a bag of colorful candy in his hand. He looked me straight in the eyes and pulled some of the gummy candy out of the bag before popping one side in his mouth, stretching it until it broke off his his teeth.

"Seonghwa, what are you doing here? Don't you have family plans?" I tightened my grip on the backpack strap on my shoulder and took a deep breath. This is where he takes me around the corner and slits my throat and no one will ever find my body like with that one handsome murderer. What was his name again?

"Just thought you might like a ride. It's too cold to walk without a coat now." He finished off his gummy and put the rest in his pocket. He hopped off the pole and walked over to me.

"You really don't have to. I can walk." I looked you at him and I finally realized how tall he really was. My neck had a small stretch from looking up at him and I literally just started. His skin was also so smooth I wouldn't believe he was a teenager, it was almost like he was a robot. I mean my dad was saying that Russia made robots already but that was only when he was drunk.

"Well, I really want to." He looped his arm around my shoulders and guided me to the car opening the door for me to slide right in. His car was actually really nice it was clean which was a really big plus. The seats were black and the outside was a light blue a really good match for him.

I sat on the plush leather seats and held my bag on my lap, not knowing till now how uncomfortable it was to sit in a bar with a backpack. He opened his door and hopped in putting on his seat belt and then started the car. The engine sounded impressive for how the car looked but then again I haven't sat in a car for long time.

"Seat belt." He looked over at me with expectant eyes. Like I was meant to do something for him.

"What?" I looked at him in confusion and he smiled lightly.

"Here," he reaches over my chest and pushed my bag out of the way a little before grabbing something next to me and pulling it across my chest. It clicked by my hip and I looked back up at him, "seat belt." He smiled and then pit the car in reverse looking back before smoothly pulling out of the parking spot.

I guess I hadn't been a car in longer than I thought. My dad's car didn’t have seat belts or if it did he never told us. It also felt weird I was so used to walking so seeing everything go by so fast was crazy, I looked out the window to see if I could catch every single house with my eye.

"How do you get to school Y/N?" Seonghwa had his hand on the little console nub, occasionally shifting the nub making the car change in speed and the other on the steering wheel.

"I walk every morning." I looked over at him and his eyes were focused on the road.

"Your parents don't take you to school?" He shifted gears again and I gave him a small direction to turn left.

"They don't have time to take me to school anymore," like they eleven did in the first place, "I'm really fine with walking. It wakes me up in the morning." He sighed and shook his head.

"Its gonna start getting really cold soon. Do you have a coat?" He looked over at me and caught me looking at him so I turned towards the window again. I put my forehead against it and found that it was freezing, it soothed the beginnings of a headache.

"No, why do you care so much?" I didn't want to sound defensive but with the way he sighed I knew that I did.

"I don't know Y/N. You just can't go around walking in winter with no coat." He said and I pointed to the he small house at the end of the street. The rotting shingles of the cream colored house were hidden bu the darkness of the night but everyone could see the house. It looked like the drug house, every neighborhood had one. This one just happened to be my home.

"It's not winter yet." I grumbled and he chuckled.

"You are just so stubborn aren't you?" He pulled into the driveway and put the car in park.

"I mean I think I'm pretty reasonable." I shrugged and smiled at him. He looked at me and rolled his eyes with a light smile.

"I'm picking you up from now on." He turned to look straight ahead at the garage door which house an old 1950 car that my father only used to go to the bar.

"Seonghwa you can't. It's completely out of the way. It's a waste of gas." I turned to him in my seat and tried to reason with him. Even him being here now was a risk if my dad saw him taking me home we were both toast. He would kill both of us.

"It's okay. I have a good paying job. I can't just let you walk in the cold. I'll let you walk again in the springtime." He let his hands fall into his lap and he turned to me for the first time since he started this conversation. His eyes were warm and genuine, it felt calm and serene it was like the moment in the movies were nobody speaks but they just know and they kiss and gross shit. I just knew he was being genuine.

"Fine. Just park across the street and I'll walk to your car, okay?" I looked down at the seat belt and began to try and pull it off. It just kept getting tighter and tighter and I sighed looking for something for it to unlock.

"Deal." He reached towards my hip and the pressure on my lap disappeared. The buckle went back to its place by the door and I smiled, I was so dumb. I grabbed the handle and opened the door.

"Bye Seonghwa." I grabbed the frame of the door and was going to shut it when he stopped me,

"Hey wait," he reached into his pocket and pulled put the candy, "for making my day." I took the bag with a smile and gave him a small wave before heading into the house.

The door creaked and I turned around to watch Seonghwa pull out of the driveway and back down the street. I shut the door quietly and locked it up, knowing my dad would have a fit if he woke up and it wasn't locked. He was asleep in his easy chair the light snoring in the living room telling me to go nowhere near there. I put my bag back on my shoulders and walked quietly into the kitchen grabbing a plate from the fridge before making my way up the stairs.

My mom was one of the exceptions to the abuse and the dysfunction. She married my father when they were young, she had no idea what he would become. She told me once that she was going to just run away and leave but then she found out that she was pregnant with my brother and she stayed. She was a flower in the desert, it's what I like to call her.

"Mommy?" I put the plate and my bag in my room before taking to the hallways to find her.

"In here dear," I followed her voice to the bathroom. She was in the bath her hair pulled up and a book in her hands, "I borrowed this from your room. Hope you don't mind but I've read all mine twice already." She laughed and folded the book to show me the cover. IT by Stephen King. It came out earlier this year and has been one of my favorite books up to date.

"Not at all, mind if I eat in here with you?" I waited until she nodded to go grab my plate. It was meatloaf and mashed potatoes my father's favorite. He must have been in a bad mood today, the fresh bruise on my moms arm was also a dead giveaway. She knows that I see it and yet I don't say anything. I know it breaks her heart.

"So, this Stephen guy is kind of messed up." She flipped the page and then folded the corner, which made my heart die a little but I let her do it because I love my mom.

"Yeah, I think he's made a couple of others and there all messed up. They have like murder and like spiritual powers and stuff. He's the new King of horror. Get it?" I laughed at my own joke and she began chuckling as well.

"How did I make something so perfect?" He grabbed my cheek and caressed her fingers against it. They were soft and warm comforting, like ever mothers touch.

"I mean have you looked in the mirror? Look at all that beauty." I knew that if I let her indulge in how much she loved me I would begin to cry. We often cried together because we both know we deserve better than this. We deserve a nice house in a cul de sac with a good dad and husband who cooks while my mom takes her baths and reads.

"Oh shut up." She laughed and patted my head before finally putting her hands in the bath and relaxing. "How was work?" She closed her eyes but I knew she was listening. I reached over and shut the door lightly.

 "It was good. Maria thought I wasn't coming in once again." I leaned against the tub and began to finish my dinner.

"That girl needs to relax." My mom shifted in the water and the sound of water moving around instantly relaxed me.

"Well, they've left her there alone three times. That's three times too many." I put my plate off time the side and took a deep breath. "I also met a boy." My mom sucked in a deep breath and I shut my eyes tight.

"You can't bring him here. You know that right?" My moms voice turned serious and I sighed.

"He wants to pick me up every morning. He's worried cause I walk alone at night in the cold." She shifted in the water again and I knew she was looking at me.

"Y/N, you remember the last time you brought someone over? He hurt you so bad, you were so young." She caressed my hair and I felt the water droplets fall down the back of my neck.

"I told him to park across the street. Hopefully hes here after dad leaves." I sighed and leaned into her touch, a small tear leaving the corner of my eye.

"Good. Now, tell me about him. Is he cute?" The rest of the night went smoothly we talked for hours or until the water in the tub got cold then we went to her rooms after doing the dishes together and I braided her hair. We talked about Seonghwa and what I want to do when I'm older. It was really anything and everything. I fell asleep in her comforting arms as light rain began to pour from the sky.

I woke up to my mom shaking my arm. It had to be before the sun was up because the only light in the room was the light coming from the bathroom. She stood above me with a pile of clothes, "I washed these for you. Go put them away. Your father's gone." I sat up and took them from her, a fresh pair of underwear sat on the top of the pile. That meant I was able to shower today.

The water was nice and warm against my back. It has been about three days since my last shower and I was already beginning to feel grimy. After sweating at work and in my gym class it was time to take care of myself a bit. I never showered when my dad is here you never know when he'll pop in to go pee even when there's a bathroom downstairs.

My mom insisted she brush my hair and style it, something she's done ever since I was a kid. She put it in a half up half down look that was becoming more and more popular. She even sprayed a little perfume on my neck, something she only did for special occasions.

"You know I love you right?" She smiled and gave me a hug. He made eye contact in the mirror and I could see her eyes were full of love.

"I know, mommy. I love you too." I hugged her arms and then turned around for a full hug.

"Go wait for your friend. I'll see you when you get home." She kissed my forehead and I grabbed my bag from my room, the bag of gummy worms still in the front pouch. Turns out my mom had excellent timing, Seonghwa showing up right as I reached the window to watch.

"Is this a good time?" I opened the door and he greeted me with that." I nodded and put my bag on my lap reaching for the seat belt while looking for what it clicked into. The silver metal box with the red button on it seemed like a good spot and I got it in on the first try.

"So, do you live around here?" I wanted to know how far away he lived so I could measure how much has he was using to pick me up.

"Yeah, actually. Its really just right around the corner. About 3 blocks that way." He pointed to the right and I nodded. That was the rich people neighborhood, everyone knew that.

"Okay that's not horrible." I looked out the window again and watched the trees go by. It was gloomy today, the remnants of the rain still dripping from the tree branches.

"Hey, so me and a couple of friends are going to see a drive-in movie tonight. Wanna go?" His eyes were still on the road when I looked at him. Is the asking me out on a date? It was honestly a foreign concept to me but first dates are always to the movies. But he said his friends were going so it wasn't just us.

"I don't have any money." I felt embarrassed at the fact that I truly didn't have money for things like that.

"I can pay for you. Its gonna be rad." He chuckled and looked at me for assurance.

"Are you sure you want me to come?" I looked at him and found him staring at me, the look in his eyes much like the one of my mother's but different.

"Of course. I hope you like horror though." He turned back to the road and pulled into the school parking lot, finding a spot close to the door. Student athletes get privileges what can I say.

"Which one is it?" Not that I really would have an idea of what it was. I haven't seen a movie in theaters since my fifth birthday, the last birthday party I ever had.

"Aliens, it came out a couple years ago. They’re just now allowed to show it at the drive-in." The way he talked about it made me excited. His smile pulling his cheeks up and making his eyes squint. Stop. You can't think like that, hes just trying to be nice. Befriending the loner girl would make his reputation soar.

"Hey, we're here." He out his hand on my shoulder and I instantly flinched. I chuckled and shook it off.

"Sorry I was thinking about how cool that movie is going to be. I'll come." I could stick it to my dad for one night. Tell them that Maria asked me to take her shift tonight. Easy enough.

"Awesome!" I couldn't help but think about the look in his eyes after I flinched at his touch. It was just so natural to be afraid if anyone's touch but my mother's. Her loving hugs and touches were the only good contact I had with people in this world. Even my brother couldn't compare.

I got out of the car and instantly felt eyes on me. Wooyoung, Yeosang, and Hongjoong were all waiting by the doors for him and a couple of others standing next to them as well. They all waved and smiled and walked over to us. They were positively magnetic, wherever they went new eyes followed their movements and in turn they all went to me the new person in the group.

"Hey Pretty Lady!" Wooyoung out his hand up in the air and recoiled a bit before realizing that it was just a high five I pulled it off by doing some weird hand movements to reach his high five. They laughed and whooped causing more attention to shift to us.

"So, Y/N's going to be coming to the movies with us today. Is that cool with everybody?" They all agreed and nodded. I felt accepted already into this large group of jocks and I couldn't help but feel a little powerful.

"Oh, this is Yunho, San, Mingi, and Jongho." Wooyoung pointed at a bunch of different people and I shot a small wave to all of them.

"I'm Y/N nice to meet you." I smiled and laughed as they all shot greetings my way.

"Alright guys let's go." Hongjoong led the way into the doors and I felt Seonghwas arm slip around my shoulders. Honestly I was thankful for his touch, as all the eyes and the whispers began to become too loud to my ears his warm arm was there to pull me back to him. Almost like a gravitational pull.

"I'll see you in US history." He branched off the other way and I was back to being alone. In a sea of monsters who all wanted to stop me and talk but I brushed past until I finally got to my English class where my isolation began all over again. It was really nothing special everything the teacher taught I knew already, I was way ahead in the book we were reading so all there was left to do was stare out the window and hope that the bell would ring soon.

The halls were way more crowded than I remember them being, everyone trying to get to their lockers or whatever class they were going to, lines behind the vending machine and the bathroom doors swinging open and closed. It was all so much and all the eyes staring at me made my skin crawl with unease. Around every corner it was "the girl who is friends with the football team".

"Hey," an arm slipped around my shoulders once more but I knew who it was, "how was your class?" I leaned into his shoulder and sighed.

"It was fine. Really nothing interesting, it's senior English." I chuckled and breathed in his scent. He was wearing a grey turtleneck and black pants, no varsity jacket to be found a plain outfit but it was nice. It smelled warm and calm, and mixed with his natural scent it was practically heaven. Maybe it's weird to like the way he smells but I didn't tell my olfactory senses to hop on it.

"I get that much. I take that third and fourth term. Maybe you can help me, cause you're just too smart." His voice turned to a mocking tone and I chuckled, hitting his stomach lightly.

"I did not say that." I pushed a little closer to him and he stumbled a little but caught his footing before it was an issue.

"Sounded pretty similar if you ask me." I put my head fully on his shoulder and just enjoyed the moment. He was walking me to class with his arm around my shoulders, saying that yes this is my friend. We looked around the class and saw only two available seats next to each other so I sat in front of him and he sat behind me. The bell rang and I got out my stuff and that's when I began to feel his hand in my hair.

At first it was light pressure against my scalp, he was twirling my hair in his fingers I really didn't mind either on of the ways my mom helps he relax after my dad gets angry. He was twirling and braiding the strands of my hair together and then he moved up, his fingers grazing the nape of my neck causing me to flinch a little at the sensitivity there. He rubbed small circles into my skin, telling me that it was okay he want going to hurt me and I relaxed in my seat.

His fingers then went into my scalp and that's when I felt really calm. The teacher was droning on about some president or whatever but my eyelids were dropping and I couldn't care, the way he was rubbing circles into my scalp had my body loose like a goose and that's when my head fell back in his hands and I was out like a light.

"Hey, pretty girl." Someone was shaking my arm and it was then that I remembered where I was. I opened my eyes to see Seonghwa crouching next to my desk, his eyes warm and sweet like always.

"Did I fall asleep?" I yawned and sat up in my desk, multiple places in my back popping.

"Yeah, you really didn't miss much. I can give you the notes." I looked around at the class and the rest of the students were packing up, getting ready to go to lunch.

"Thanks, Seonghwa." I put my books back in my bag and zipped it up before standing up and putting in on my back. I yawned once more and Seonghwa opened his arms. Without a second thought I went into them and put my ear against his chest, hearing his steady heartbeat. He put his arms around me and held my head to his chest, playing with my hair once again.

I can't imagine how we looked right now. Last night I was telling him that he couldn't pick me up or take my home but without the fear of my dad shadow over my my heart was so open to him. It felt like I had known him for years really, the way it was so easy to talk to him and have him hold me like he does was something that I couldn't wrap my head around.

"Let's go to lunch." He pulled away lightly and turned me around, lightly pushing me to walk towards the door.

"Alright alright I'm going." I groaned and walked faster until his hands fell off my shoulders. He walked next to me and grabbed his backpack straps.

"What are you gonna get? He asked while waving to some guys in the hall.

"I've got some stuff in my bag." I shrugged and looked towards the cafeteria doors. Really I was just going to eat the gummy worms that he have me yesterday. I don't have the luxury of packing a lunch, surprise surprise.

"Alright you wait here and I'll find the gang and lead you there." He smiled and gave me a thumbs up. I was actually grateful that he did that for me. One of my biggest anxieties was trying to find somewhere to sit during lunch. It's not like I had friends to find during lunch.

"Hey sweet cakes." I turned around to find a guy standing there. His hair shagged against his forehead and his blues eyes burned into mine. They were close and unforgiving, it made me take a step back.

"Um, hello?" I looked around for someone to save me but the hallway was empty.

"So are you and Seonghwa a thing?" He put his hands in his jean pockets and leaned against the white wall.

"No." Part of my heart desperately wished that I could say yes but I guess it was for the best.

"Oh that's sweet. Wanna go out back and show me a good time?" He licked his dry lips and looked me up and down.

"No thank you." I took another step back but that prompted him to take a step closer.

"Of come on. You need all those men to satisfy you? I can give you what you want more than those jokers can." He moved a step closer and I put my arms up trying to tell him to keep a distance.

"Is there something I can help you with?" Seonghwa rounded the corner and in two strides he was gently pulling me away from this guy.

"Hey Hwa. I was just offering that sweet piece of ass a good time behind the bleachers. Give the old one two football ritual?" The guy laughed and licked his lips again. I watched as Seonghwa pulled the guy by his shirt and whisper something in his ear. The guys face turned from smug to terrified.

"You ever come near her again I'll break your nose." Seonghwa placed his hand on my shoulder and lead me into the cafeteria.

"That guy was a creep." Seonghwa put his arm fully around me and led me through the cafeteria.

"That's Nate for you. He didn't touch you did he?" Seonghwas eyebrows were firmly set in the middle of his forehead and his jaw was clenched.

"No, I think you got there just in time. I mean I told him no but he just kept coming." I looked up at him and saw that was still looking ahead.

"Its okay. He won't come near you again. And you tell me if anyone does that again, okay?" I nodded and he looked back to guide me to a table in the middle. It was chaos, San, Mingi, and Wooyoung were playing swords with their pencils, Yeosang, Jongho, and Yunho were trying to throw food in each others mouths, and Hongjoong was shaking his head as he watched this all fold out.

"Hey Y/N!" Wooyoung waved and in the process got stabbed in the hand by a pencil. Hitting San has he began to celebrate.

"I'm going to find something to eat, I'll be back." Seonghwa rubbed my head before going to join the small lunch line.

"So, you met Hwa at the arcade?" Yunho stopped throwing his food at Yeosang and Jongho choosing to talk to me instead.

"Yeah, I also met Hongjoong, Wooyoung, and Yeosang." The boys began to turn their heads as I said their names.

"Are you sure you guys didn't know each other before?" Yunho stabbed a grape tomato with his fork and brought it to his mouth and popped it in after he was finished talking.

"No, I don't think so. I just feel really comfortable with you guys." I pulled out the gummy worms from my bag and began to slowly eat them. I can't remember the last time I actually had candy.

"Well, you guys seem very close. Like best friends for years close." San joined in in the conversation while chewing on some of Wooyoungs french fries.

"Guys I'm convinced that the lunch lady has a crush on me." We all laughed and talked through lunch Seonghwa looking down at the candy every so often with a smirk on his face.

Without Seonghwa on my side I found how boring my life actually was. I didn't move from class to class and have friends in each one like most people do, different moments of happiness. I moved through the rest of the school day sluggish and bored without Seonghwa I mean, even Hongjoong or Wooyoung would be an improvement from all these girls whispering in each others ears while looking back at me. Acting like I was some sort of endangered animal that they could just gawk at.

The white walls seemed yellow and the bright red lockers looked crummy and gross without the filter of Seonghwas happiness. I guess I was looking too far into this friendship thing I've never really had a friend before. Having plans after school, having people that enjoy my company, it was all very new to me.

"Y/N!" Wooyoung stopped me in the hallway and threw his arm over my shoulders like Seonghwa does. He was wearing red shorts and a black t-shirt, gym clothes.

"What's up Wooyoung?" I followed him down the hall and watched as more people stared. Honestly it was getting old.

"The basketball coach what's a small practice today so Seonghwa was going to come get you but I offered instead. It's not fair that he gets you all the time." Wooyoung put his head on mine and pouted into my hair. It was really nice to hear that he wanted to spend more time with me, and to be honest I liked how they already argued over my attention. It made my heart beat too fast to be normal.

"I'll try and hang with you more." I put my arm around his wrist and pulled him closer. "So, will I just sit and watch this practice?" The gym was within sight and I saw all the boys bouncing basketballs and shooting hoops it immediately made me feel nervous. I have a really bad reputation and basketballs always seem to find my head like a magnet.

"Yeah, we're just gonna run through some drills and see if they work okay for us." We walked through the doors and Seonghwa looked over and waved with a big smile on his face. "Want me to grab a chair for you?" Wooyoung unraveled his arms from mine and pointed to a closet which, I'm guessing held all the chairs.

"No, I'll pop a squat on the floor. Thanks though!" I dropped my bag on the floor and took out a book, something I just grabbed from the library today, it seemed good enough.

"Alright boys! Balls away let's line up." The coach walked out in skin-tight red shorts and a white shirt, neither left any to the imagination. "Hey kid, are you just here to watch?" He walked over to me a crouched to my level.

"Yeah, my ride is practicing." I pointed to Seonghwa in the lineup and the coach smiled.

"He's a good kid. This shouldn't take too long." He stood up and gave instructions to the boys while I started read the first words of my book.

"Alright! Start running!" He blew the whistle and the boys began running around the gym, occasionally pushing each other because that's what boys do. It was cute watching most of them keep up with boys like Seonghwa and Hongjoong, Mingi sticking out in particular. He was sweating buckets and breathing heavily, for being a tall skinny boy he sure didn't have good endurance and I laughed as Wooyoung hooked an arm around his shoulder encouraging him to go faster.

Seonghwa was doing so well and I finally understood why he was such a star athlete. He ran about 5 laps and he wasn't even breaking a sweat yet, his legs moving effortlessly against the gym floor. He talked with Hongjoong about anything and he wasn't huffing and puffing like I would be if I was in that situation.

After a while the boys stopped running and spread around the gym to stretch and things before the coach distributed pinnies. The old material looking and smelling like death in the musty air. I wished that the coach actually took time and washed them for the boys and for the bystanders. Maybe his mustache covered up the funk and he couldn't smell it. That could be it.

Even as he worked out Seonghwa looked great, which was a heard feat for some people the activity being too much often giving them a red face that is less than attractive, like Nate over there. The boy who stopped me in the hall and was being awfully disgusting was over there with his hands on his knees trying to catch is breath. I think he caught me staring because he straightened up and winked. I could’ve thrown up in my mouth right there and then but Seonghwa came over, refreshing me like a cold glass of water. 

“What are you reading?” He tipped the book and looked at the cover, finding the women on the front clearly in distress. 

“Something I just picked off of the shelf.” I closed the book slightly and looked up at him. There was something so sweet and protective in his eyes and it made me feel safe from Nate, from my Dad, from the world. He opened his mouth to say something before the coaches words cut through the thick air. 

“Park let’s get back in the game!” He smiles at me and taps the tip of my nose with his finger. He gets up and takes the ball from the coach before officially starting the game. I turned back to me book and didn’t pay much attention to the boys anymore, finding their game to be very repetitive and a little boring for my taste. 

The book was bringing in so many characters that my head was spinning, the mention of all these characters confusing the mental list in my head. All these people fighting over the main protagonist that really didn't want to have anything to do with these men. She was really ready to just pack up and leave with her younger sister. A princess with a "duty" to her country and her family but she doesn't want to. Just as I was getting into the book I heard someone call my name and I look up to see the ball come soaring towards my face.

"Watch out!" I dropped the book and went to cover my face, ready for the ball to hit me where ever it wanted. There was a loud thud but the pressure wasn't there at all. I slowly opened my eyes and let my hands fall to my lap. Seonghwa was standing in front of me, his back to me while he stared back at the boys.

"Play ball." The coach tried to defuse the situation and held his hands out so Seonghwa could lightly toss the ball to him. He didn't join the game, instead he picked up the book and handed it back to my shaky hands.

"Are you alright?" He crouched down once more to look in my eyes.

"Just a little scared is all." I laughed quietly and just watched as he brought his hand to caress my hair.

"It was Nate, he threw the ball at you." He sighed and just looked into my eyes, trying to gauge my reaction.

"It's okay. Some people are just assholes and that's okay." The words made me think of my father. He was an asshole for no reason and I felt like I was defending him. Every swing he took at my mother and me felt justified by my words.

"But people should pay for their wrong doings." Seonghwa tapped his fingers against my forehead and cheeks causing me to laugh at the ticklish sensation.

"Alright boys, practice is over. Nate stay back with me." The coach blew the whistle and the boys ran away to go change, knocking into each other and slapping backs of heads. Just boy things.

"You can wait outside the bathroom until we're done, okay?" Seonghwa stood up and offered me his hand which I gladly took. He waited while I gathered up all my stuff and I threw my backpack onto my shoulders. He hooked his arm around me like normal and led me to the outside of the changing room.

I held my backpack straps in my hands and took this time to think. I thought about my mom and how much I loved her and I wanted her to have a better life than what she had. It was something that I thought about way too often and when I told my mom that I do think about it she just scoffs and tells me to focus on more important things, like she's not the most important thing in my life.

I thought about Seonghwa and how he made me feel safe and loved and how he is taking care of me even though he doesn't have to. Thinking about how he brought me to this group of people who accepted me even though I'm not rich or not on a sports team. I don't have a Letterman jacket and I don't have fancy clothes and sometimes I wear them two days in a row.

"Hey, are you ready?" His grey turtleneck and black pants were back on and the rest of the boys were filing out of the locker room.

"Yeah." I smiled and followed him to his car. Once we got there he grabbed the bag from my shoulders and threw it in the backseat while I got situated in the front seat.

"So, we've still got a bit of time before the move so we're going to go out to eat." He sat down on the seat and buckled up before starting up the car.

"Seonghwa-"

"Before you say 'I don't have money' I don't care. I'm paying." He pulled out of the school smoothly and started driving.

"You don't have to do that." I gripped my shirt between my fingers and looked out the window, watching all the cars pass by.

"You're stubborn." He chuckled and pulled into a diner it was small and really hidden between the mess of libraries and newspaper outlets. It wasn't that far from school but I don't go out to eat so it wasn't a surprise that I had no idea what the place was.

"The Travelers Diner." I read the sign out loud as we passed by. There was barely any one there so that told me a bit about how popular they were.

"Yeah, Jongho works here on the weekends and let me tell you its super busy. We just missed the dinner rush." Seonghwa pulled into a parking spot and turned off his car, hopping out and running around to my side. He grabbed my hand and helped me out of the car before shutting the door and locking it. My hand was still in his as he led me into the diner and I felt my cheeks and neck heat up at the simple touch.

The patrons were mostly the elderly all of them enjoying an early dinner or a late night cup of coffee. The shop smelt good fresh coffee grounds were being poured into the coffee machine and the grill had sizzling meat on it. The whole atmosphere was warm and cozy, the small chatter between a husband and wife and the old man on the counter lightly humming to the song coming from the boombox behind the counter.

"Seonghwa! Who's it going buddy?" A man with an apron cane from behind the counter and have Seonghwa a deep hug. He was much older then the both of us but he seemed ecstatic to see his friend. He had to be about 40 and he had a bit of a guy but it really suited the vibe of this place.

"I've been amazing how about you, Sergio?" Seonghwa pulled away and joined hands with me once more, not even parted for a minute.

"Business is booming thanks to you. I'm still waiting on that picture." He laughed and grabbed two menus from the counter.

"You don't have to do that. I'm just here to help." Sergio led the way to the tables and Seonghwa pulled me along behind him while I let the situation sink in. I was going out to eat for the first time since I could remember.

"I was going bankrupt and you swooped in and saved the day. I owe my success to you, kid." He set down the menus and smiled at us, before walking back behind the counter and into the kitchen.

"Who's that?" I looked around the table and saw small little designs that made me smile. The table was a bright red and had a small black border along the inside. 'Jake' was messily carved into the middle and in could just imagine the boy taking a knife and marking his territory.

"His names Sergio. Family friend." Seonghwa smiled before bringing the menu up to his face, searching over what they had. I really already knew what I wanted and it was definitely not meatloaf. I

"Hey kids. What can I get you to drink?" A middle-aged woman came over wearing a bright red uniform and a tag that read 'Cindy'. She was smiling and smacking on some bubblegum as she brought out her notepad. 

“I’ll get a Dr. Pepper.” He smiled at Cindy and then turned to me. 

“I’ll get the same with a lemon please.” I remember hearing some kids say that Dr. Pepper was super good with lemon and now would probably be they only time to get to try it so I might as well. 

“Alright and are y’all ready to order?” She looked up form her pad and looked to Seonghwa. 

“I’ll have whatever the chef’s special is today.” He put down the menu and nodded to me.

“I’ll have a cheeseburger with everything on it and the waffle fries with a side of ranch.” I looked to Seonghwa and he smiled back at me, nodding slightly at my choice. 

“Alright kids. It’ll be right out for you.” She took the menus and went behind the counter to put the order in. 

The diner was great. Seonghwa and I talked about anything and everything, the socializing bringing back a side of me that I couldn’t remember existed. I almost made Seonghwa spit soda out of his nose at least six times with all the jokes I was cracking all while actually having my first cheeseburger. We laughed until the sun was setting and we were heading out the door to join the rest at the movies. 

The laughing didn’t stop at the diner and it carried on into the car, him talking about funny stories with his parents and me adding onto that with funny stories at my old school, choosing not to talk about my parents. We pulled into the entryway of the movies and he purchased two tickets for Alien. 

“So is this movie like really scary?” I looked around the parking spots and saw Yeosang and Mingi waving their arms in the air, telling Seonghwa to park there. 

“I’m really not sure. I heard that it’s scary but I didn’t have them go into detail.” He put the car in park and turned the station that the attendant said the movie would be on. 

“What took you guys so long?” Hongjoong rolled down his window and hooked his arm out of it. 

“We went to grab a bite to eat.” Seonghwa had me roll down my window so he could talk with Hongjoong. 

“And you didn’t invite us?” Wooyoungs voice cute through the wind and he went over to my window. 

“Yeah, it was just Y/N and me.” Seonghwa smiled and then rolled down his window, Mingi knocking on it lightly. The boys were so excited, the sun had set and the screen was flickering to life. Seonghwa had us roll up our windows and turned the air conditioning on a low blast. The movie started and I immediately  curled up into the seat, listening the beginnings of the movie. 

I can’t remember how long it’s been but I just remember leaning into Seonghwa more and more, the events of the movie getting scarier and scarier. Baby aliens were popping out of peoples stomachs and I just couldn’t handle it. I jumped and pushed my head into Seonghwas neck, wrapping my arms around his torso. I squeezed my eyes shut and just listened to the sounds of the mans stomach popping open,

“Hey pretty girl it’s okay. It’s just a movie.” His hands came around my shoulders and ran his hand through my hair. He turned down the radio and brought his lips to my hair, running them across the smooth expanse of my head. 

“I know, I know.” I pulled away from his neck looking back at the movie only to turn away again. I laughed against his chest and rolled my eyes, I was being so stupid. It was really just a movie. The sounds of the movie played quietly in the background but I decided to focus on his heartbeat which was faster than normal, probably because he was scared. 

“Hey, Y/N?” Seonghwa was rubbing small circles onto my back and occasionally my arms, traveling around a bit. 

“Yes?” I looked up to him and I found that he was already looking at me. His hand snaked up to my cheek and held the flesh gently in his hand. He was looking at my eyes watching as I flicked them from his eyes, to his nose, and finally to his plump lips. They turned up into a small smirk and my cheeks heated up at the fact that he caught me looking at his lips. Part of me just wanted to lunge forward and connect our lips but I didn’t want to misread the feelings in the air. Maybe he was just laughing at me because I was scared of the dumb movie, or maybe he was laughing at me cause I actually thought he maybe likes me.

Everything seemed to move in slow motion as he brought his lips onto mine. The soft flesh melding together as my stomach turned in circles. Butterflies had infected my belly and they had taken flight after being dormant for so long. It was nothing like I had ever felt before, his lips moving lightly against mine virtually showing me what to do and I just kind of went with it. Our mouths were moving together naturally now, messily bumping noses as we turned our heads to follow the other. He pulled away and set his forehead on mine breathing onto my face as he settled down. 

“I’ve wanted to do that ever since I met you.” He chuckled and held my head in his hands.

“Seonghwa, please don’t leave me.” I let my words fly as I let my head fall to his shoulder. 

“I could never.” He held me and turned up the radio, hearing the terrible screams of the people that were dying on the spaceship. 

After the movie we all waved to each other through the windows and one by one we all pulled away when traffic presented the opportunity. Seonghwa could not stop smiling throughout the drive home and I couldn’t help but watch as he gently bobbed his head along the songs to the radio. The silence felt comforting like something big had happened and we both needed a moment to let it settle in. 

“I wanted to thank you for tonight, Seonghwa. I don’t get to do this a lot.” We pulled into my driveway and I instantly felt all the blood drain from my face. My dad was sitting on the porch, a bottle of something hanging from his hand. 

“Y/N,” Seonghwas whole mood instantly changed. His voice got quieter and darker, all while watching my dad on the porch lightly sway back and forth. “Don’t go in.” Seonghwas hands were braced on the steering wheel and he didn’t look at me. I watch the side of his face as his eyebrows scrunching in discomfort. 

“Seonghwa you don’t understand.” I clicked the seat belt and grabbed the door handle to leave but he grabbed my knee. 

“If I let you go in that house right now, are you going to come out?” He finally looked at me and I saw the tears that were threatening to spill from the corner of his eye.

“What are you taking about?” I played dumb. He couldn’t know about my family, nobody knew.

“Y/N, I know what your father does to you and your mother.” He took a breath and squeezed my knee lightly. “My mother told me who you were.” My dad had gotten up from the porch and was waving me inside. 

“I can’t stay here. My mother.” I opened the door and let his hand slip from my knee, even if it was the last time I ever got to touch him I had to take that chance for my mother.  

“Where have you been?” My dad grabbed the back of my arm and drug me inside, the flesh of my arm already beginning to sting.

“Dad you don’t understand.” I gripped his wrist and tried to alleviate the pain that was steadily getting worse.  

“Do you think I’m stupid? I knew that boy dropped you off last night. You didn’t think to tell him to leave you alone? Am I not good enough?” He threw me on the ground and slammed the door. My mom was in the kitchen sobbing over the sink. 

“N-No. I told him no but he came anyways.” I put my hands up as he brought his foot down against my side. 

“Anything to get away from dear old dad.” He smashed the bottle on the ground and used both of his hands to land punches to my head.

“Derek stop!” My mother ran over and pushed my father onto the ground, part of his leg landing on the broken glass. My mom pulled me away and caressed my face shushing me into a calm state, the tears still running down my face. My dad got up and spit onto the floor. 

“You bitch!” He went to charge at me and my mother but the door swung open causing him to stop and look. 

“No!” Seonghwa threw his hands around my dads waist, tackling him to the floor. I saw the tussle of bodies and I couldn’t see what was happening beyond the flood of tears. I turned my head into my mothers neck and sobbed as I heard the sound of bones cracking and the sound of flesh against flesh. 

“Derek?” My mother called for him and let go of me. I opened my eyes as Seonghwa was sitting on the ground his knuckles bloody and his nose was dripping blood down into his open mouth. 

“Seonghwa!” I crawled over to him and held his face in my hands. He was still occupied with my father like he was waiting to see if he would get up and begin the fight again. He was holding his right wrist in his hand flexing it back and forth to see if any damage had been severely done.

“Are you okay?” He stopped looking at my father and turned to me, his expression solemn. It was his turn to hold me head in his hands as he looked at the damage that had been done to my face. It wasn’t much just some minor bruising here and there but it really hurt like a bitch. 

“I’m fine,” I took a breath and closed my eyes trying to calm my heart down. “Why did you do that?” I sat back on my heels and let him look at me, his eyes softening and filling with tears. 

“I don’t want you here anymore. The police are on their way and they’ll be taking him into custody. I want you and your mom to stay with me for a while. Just until he is put in jail for good.” The words were coming out of his mouth and zooming right over my head. He wanted me to come with with him? The police were on their way? So many things were happening at once so I just nodded. 

“Mrs. Y/L/N, can you go pack your stuff please, we’ll be leaving. The police are going to talk to you at my house.” He stood up and took me hand, helping me off the ground with ease. my stomach clenched and I cradled my bruising ribs. 

“Okay.” She shakily got up and slowly walked up the stairs, her hands shaking by her sides. 

“Why did you do that?” I turned to him as he watched my dad. He looked back, his nose was going off to the right a little and his eyes was beginning to swell shut. The blood was running down his face and accumulating into the alcohol and glass mixture on the ground. His pant legs was torn and he had a big gash on the side of this leg, the glass sticking out in parts. he really wasn’t getting up even if he wanted to. 

“Y/N, I thought he was going to kill you.” He didn’t look in my eye, a thing that he did when the situation was serious. 

“Seonghwa we would have been fine.” I felt tears prick my eyes again, the trail on my cheek becoming warm again. “You don’t understand what you’ve done. My dad is very powerful and he knows people you can’t even dream of.” My voice got louder and louder the fear in it increasing every second. 

“Y/N.” His voice brought a light warning . 

“You don’t understand what you’ve done. He’s going to kill you!” I pushed him and beat my fist onto his chest until he caught them in his hands and pulled me close. His hand flew to my hair and gently rubbed soothing circles. 

“It’s okay. You don’t have to be afraid, he’s not going to hurt you anymore.” He let me cry into his shoulder and to be honest I really didn’t want to do anything else. I was able to cry and finally be comforted in the night without being told to be quiet or my father might hear. 

“He hurt you.” I looked up at his face and grabbed his cheek for comfort. His nose had stopped bleeding and the dried just stuck to his face like a tattoo. 

“Listen to me, I don’t care who hurts me or beats me up. He could’ve broken my arm and I would still fight for you.” He pulled away and held my shoulders. “I will protect you.” He pulled me back in and held me once more. Sirens in the background telling everyone that something went down. 

“Police!” A man in a dark uniform came in with a pistol, “Search the house!” I let Seonghwa hold me in his arms as they passed around us, going through the house, trying to find anything else to put my dad away. My mother came down the stairs with two bags on her shoulders. 

“Can you all please step outside. We’re going to have to do some thorough searches in those bag in case he decided to hide anything in them.” Another police officer came through the door and held out his hand. My mother nodded and handed over the bags without a fuss. Police after police showed up at my door and began searching the house. 

“You know their going to bring you to the hospital, right?” Seonghwa put his hand around my shoulder and rubbed my arms.  

“We can’t pay for that.” I put my head on his shoulder and shook my head. As if on cue an ambulance pulled up into the driveway, next to all the police cars and pulled out a gurney. 

“Don’t fight them please. I don’t wanna have to hold you back.” He laughed and started leading me over the ambulances. Another ambulance pulled up and one of the police officers lead my mother to it, she was limping clinging to the officer. 

“You’re Y/N Y/L/N?” They pulled me away from Seonghwa and put me on the gurney, more tears rolling down my cheeks. 

According to doctors I’ve made some miraculous recoveries, my body healing my fabulously. I guess this time they could help me. Seonghwas injuries weren’t as severe as mine so they just wiped off his nose and gave him some ibuprofen, telling him to use his right arm as little as possible. His mom was on his way and they were going to take me and my mother home with them. A police officer came in and told me that my father was officially behind bars. He had a broken nose, a broken arm, and a couple of bruised ribs from when Seonghwa tackled him. 

“What did the officer say?” I was laying on a crisp white hospital bed, my light blue gown covering everything nicely. 

“He told me that I had a nice right hook.” Seonghwa chuckled and pulled the boring brown chair over to the edge of my bed. 

“You aren’t getting charged with anything?” I put my hand out and he took it gingerly. 

“No. The only one getting charged is your father and I’m making sure he gets put away.” Seonghwa pulled my hand to his mouth kissing each finger before intertwining our hands together. 

“And my mother?” I closed my eyes and let the tears well in my eyes. I’ve cried way too much today, over Seonghwa, over my father, and multiple things hitting me at the same time. Today was the day that I let myself feel everything, all the hurt and heartache that me and my mother had to go through. 

“She’ll be okay. She still has wounds that need to heal so she’ll be here but you’re coming home with me.” I could hear the smile in his voice and I let the tears fall. 

“I love you.” I squeeze his hand and hope that I didn’t scare him off. I couldn’t deal with anything if he left me here. I wasn’t scared of commitment but he may be, most boys were at this age. 

“I love you too. And I’ll be here to make sure nothing ever hurts you again.” We sat in the hospital room holding each other until the sun came up and we headed home. 

[mostfacinorous]

Stoki Whumptober Day 26: If you thought the head trauma was bad... [1][2][3][4][5][6][7][8][9][10][11][12][13][14][15][16][17][18][19][20][21][22][23][24][25]

When Loki roused again, it was not for supper, as Steve had promised, but rather late into the next day. 

He quickly checked himself for the stone, then sat up, marveling at the darkness that existed inside of a room without electric lights or magic to show the way. 

Speaking of, he lifted his hand and flicked his wrist, creating a tiny witch light to better see his way to the restroom with-- and immediately panicked. 

He could feel the power-- it was there, in his hand, and he was holding it. He banished it and tried it again. 

“Everything okay?” A voice asked, and Loki extinguished the flame, jolting with shock before recognizing it as Steve’s. 

“Steve?” He asked, nearly hyperventilating now. 

“What is it, Loki?” Steve was at his side in an instant, one hand settling between Loki’s shoulder blades. 

“I can’t see anything-- I--” Loki lifted his hand to his own face and waved it around, able to feel the air in front of him being disturbed, but not see the motion itself. 

Steve sucked in a shocked breath. 

“Okay, okay, it’s alright, let’s figure this out. Maybe it’s like your voice-- your vision was blurry and messed up yesterday, right?” 

Loki nodded, unable to find words. 

“Okay, deep breaths. I’m not gonna leave you alone, we’ll figure this out, and if you can’t heal yourself, we’ll just have to get you to someone who can, okay?” 

Loki did his best to try and relax. He needed to be calm before he tried anything like using seidhr on himself.

And then he remembered why he’d been trying to get up in the first place. 

“Steve… I need to use the restroom.” He hated this, hated feeling so vulnerable and intimately dependent. 

“Okay, sure, no problem. They’ve got outhouses here, so we’re gonna have to get you up, put some shoes back on you. Here we go, just swing your legs off the bed, I’ll get the shoes.” 

Loki let himself be coaxed into a seated position and tried not to panic or cry while Steve gently got him dressed. The concentrated effort of schooling his face at least distracted him until Steve finished with that, and stood.

“Alright. You ready to go?” 

Loki, without thinking, just shook his head no. “Sorry-- context. Is it day or night, are there people about, do they know you, do they expect me to speak…?” 

“It’s the middle of the night, no one should be up, and the last they saw of you, you were passing out in the street. No one will think twice of me helping you to the privy. Promise.” 

Loki exhaled shakily. 

“Alright. Only remember I cannot see-- if anyone is around, please address them. And if there is anything in my path.”

“I’ve got you.” Steve promised, and took Loki’s hands in his. “Up we get.” 

Loki had forgotten that Steve was nearly as strong as an Asgardian, but was pleasantly reminded when his legs initially refused to bear his weight, and Steve caught him against his chest. 

Loki righted himself, however, and refused to consider swooning like a maiden just to get further time with Steve’s arms around him. 

He had a feeling, right now, that all he needed do was ask-- or cry-- and it would happen on its own. And he had more pressing matters to attend to. 

Steve led him through the house, careful to tell him where they were each time they entered a new room, and to warn him of steps down into the rear yard of the house, across the yard and then--

Loki smelled the latrine before they reached it, and must have made a face, because Steve laughed a little.

“I know. But I promise, the seat itself is kept nice and clean. The ladies would revolt otherwise.” 

Loki let Steve lead him up and into the outhouse, then sensed when he faltered. 

“I think I can manage not to piss myself.” He said lightly. “This much I have done in the dark before.” 

Steve didn’t say anything, but Loki assumed he nodded before backing off, and he waited til he heard the door closing before dropping trou and seating himself like a child and relieving his poor bladder. 

Finished, he stood redressed, and opened the door. 

Steve instantly put up a hand and guided Loki down the stairs without complaint. 

“Thank you.” Loki said quietly, as they made their way back into the house. “For all of this… it is… I cannot imagine it would be so easy with anyone else.”

Steve snorted. “No, but then, you might’ve made it back already without me, so. Thank you.” 

Loki shook his head. 

“I think… we should consider making all the rest of the jump in a single bound. I worry how much more I will fall apart in several small leaps, and at least if we make it back, you will have ample help to get me… sorted.” 

He meant healed, but the honest truth was, Loki wasn’t entirely sure he would survive another tango with the stone. 

Steve paused, Loki running into him as a result.

“That doesn’t seem like it’d be a good idea for you.” Steve pointed out. “Maybe we should wait til we get back to our room to discuss it.” 

Loki shrugged. 

“Okay, look, nearly there now, just through here.” Steve started moving again, and Loki followed. 

Once they were inside of the room, door closed securely, and Loki seated on the bed again, Steve heaved a sigh. 

“Okay, so explain to me-- the pros and cons here. Pro, we’d be back, you’d be able to get better help. Cons, whatever it’s doing to you, I assume it’d be bigger and worse?”

“I don’t know.” Loki answered gamely. “It’s got… I wouldn’t say a mind of its own so much as a will of its own. And I didn’t have a terrible reaction to jumping all the way back as far as we were. It’s possible it wants a greater power expenditure, and that my meddling and attempting to control it as I’ve been doing is what’s causing these… setbacks.” 

“Okay…” Steve said slowly. “What’s the other possibility?” 

Loki pursed his lips.

“I suppose in the opposite side of the spectrum… the power razes through me, and I get burned out. It destroys my ability to use seidhr at all, and we become lost at some point in time, potentially far into the future, if I lose control of it mid jump.”

“Oh.” Steve said faintly. “So no risk, then.” His words sounded strangled as he fought to restrain himself. 

Loki heard him kneel beside the bed, and felt him take Loki’s hand in his. 

“No.” Steve said. “We take this slow. We let you heal, however long you need, and then we go a little further. We have time, right? All the time in the world, that’s what the stone means.”

“We have access to all the time in the world.” Loki corrected gently, moving one hand to close over the top of Steve’s. “You and I are getting older, a day at a time. We will already return, if everything works perfectly, as different people than who we were, mere moments after we leave.” 

“That’s fine. It would’ve happened anyway.” Steve could be stubborn when he wanted, Loki had to give him that much. 

“And what if this takes more than a day or two to heal?” Loki asked. “What if we are waiting months between jumps? What if we return to your friends and your hair has gone grey and your face creased with age?” 

Steve squeezed Loki’s hand. 

“What other option do we have? Because losing you isn’t an option.” 

Loki shook his head. 

“Let me see what I can manage, as far as healing is concerned. We will discuss and attempt to make plans from there.” 

“Okay.” Steve agreed. “But I mean it-- nothing that puts you any more at risk than you have to be.” 

Loki huffed and leveraged himself back into a reclined position, leaving his shoes on. 

He heard Steve retreat, and then heard him sit down on something that sounded suspiciously wooden. 

“Steve…” He asked slowly, “What were you sleeping on before I woke you?” 

Steve cleared his throat, and Loki stood, hands out before him, to follow the sound to its source. It wasn’t a large room, and he located the bench with ease and distaste. 

“Unacceptable.” He announced. 

Steve huffed. “There’s only the one bed, Loki, and I don’t think we’ll both fit.” 

“We both fit in a snow shelter not much larger than a coffin, Steve. I think we can manage.” 

“I guess I can’t really argue that. But don’t you need some room, for your healing?” 

“Healing is internal, Steve. Come to bed.” 

Once they had managed to settle themselves, laying on their sides and with Steve’s arms wrapped around Loki, helping to hold him on the bed, Loki closed his eyes and focused inwards. 

He almost laughed, but didn’t want to startle Steve too much. 

He was blinded. But it seemed he’d done it to himself. No doubt the migraine from before had been light sensitive, and in his stupor, he’d made himself completely not sensitive to light. 

He removed it and sighed, glad for that. 

“Will you be okay?” Steve asked, voice directly behind him and his breath stirring the small hairs on Loki’s neck. 

“I will be. I already am.” Loki answered. 

He felt Steve burrow his face into the back of Loki’s shoulder, and couldn’t help but wonder if any of this would still be there in the morning… and beyond, when they returned, would Steve still touch him, hold him, speak kindly to him… or would he create a new distance? 

His friends would be suspicious, of course. Probably none moreso than Barnes. 

Maybe it was better to end it now, get it over with before Loki could grow too comfortable, too hopeful. 

They were going back to their time the next day, Loki decided. Whether Steve liked it or not.

[halictus-writer]

Welcome to Seattle (Ch. 2 of 5)

The next week went by smoothly. Remus had gotten into a familiar routine with his new job, and became more friendly with his colleagues who also wrote for the newspaper. He had always had a tough exoskeleton, but it didn’t take too long to become comfortable enough to let some of his walls down for a few select coworkers. In stark contrast to his friends from college, these coworkers did not press him for details about his dating-- or as James more bluntly put it, sex-- life. In any case, both were nonexistent.

*James changed the name of the chat to “Operation get Remus laid”*

James: Alright, here we go. Remus, are you ready to read some wisdom coming from yours truly?

*Remus removed James from the chat*

The truth was, Remus wasn’t opposed to getting back out there. The only drawback was that he didn’t know how to get back out there. His relationship with his ex had started organically, with little effort on Remus’s part. And being in a serious relationship for so long had saved him from having to learn how to flirt and casually date new people.

*Lily changed the name of the chat to “Help Remus get back out there, if he wants to”*

*Lily added James to the chat*

James: Alright Remus, you’ve had a chance to get all settled down in your new place, but now it is time to wake up and smell the coffee

Lily: What James means, Remus, is that we think you should maybe try to re-enter the dating scene. Only if you feel ready, of course.

Remus: is this an intervention?

Lily: no

James: yes

Dorcas: ooh are we voting? Marlene is driving so she can’t text but we both vote yes

James: Remus. My son. Fruit of my loins. You are a total catch. It is time for you to take your beautiful face out from behind those sad Jane Austen novels I know you’re rereading every night and get your freak on

Remus: I appreciate your investment in my sex life, I really do, but I think I’m doing fine.

Remus: also you’re not my dad. I’m older than you by five months

James: Oh really? Let’s play a game where you say True or False to each statement I make.

Remus: Fine. But only until my lunch break ends

James: Here’s the first one: My name is Remus Lupin

Remus: ...true

James: My favorite food is chocolate.

Remus: true

James: The most recent time I had sex was within the last 2 months

*Remus removed James from the chat*

Remus spent the rest of his lunch break walking through Pike Place Market. He loved the lively atmosphere of the place, and mentally mapped out the places he would like to spend more time in, in the future. No longer constrained by a vacation schedule, he can see as many shops and stores in Seattle as he would like.

He also sent pictures of the most interesting areas to the friend group via Snapchat. Having multiple avenues of communication proved to be very helpful for a group of people as prone to theatrics as they were. Any arguments or disagreements could stay in whatever platform they originated in, and if people were (temporarily) removed from that platform, they would still have access to another. This unspoken agreement allowed the group to plan James and Lily’s upcoming visit on Snapchat, while Remus kept up his faux-anger at James’s nosiness in the messages app. Remus knew he would tell them everything when he saw them in person, but being ambushed with the topic on a Tuesday while he was at work was not his preferred arena.

***

Saturday morning found the group reunited at a breakfast nook within the Market. Remus sat next to Lily in one booth, opposite Dorcas and Marlene, while James sat in a wooden chair on one end. Remus appreciated that his friends made sure their seating configuration didn’t highlight his own status as the fifth wheel.

After catching up on everyone’s lives, and many pointed glances directed at James from customers who evidently didn’t want to hear the piercing falsetto James used when reenacting conversations with Lily’s sister, the conversation found its way back to Remus’s dating life.

“Remus, you’re a catch and a half. It’s been a few months since your relationship ended, and it may be time to get back out there.” Lily started.

“It’s true,” Marlene added, nodding, “if I weren’t dating Dorcas I would be all over you and your wool cardigan. Almost makes me forget I’m a lesbian.” She laughed as she dodged a light flick from Dorcas.

“If you were a woman I’d totally sleep with you.” James said sincerely.

“Uh oh, misogynistic comment tax!” Dorcas swept in and took a piece of bacon from his plate before dividing it between Lily and herself. “For the vegetarian,” she made a half bow gesture from her seat as she presented Marlene with a liberated strawberry.

“Um, thank you for the votes of confidence, I think,” Remus began. “I appreciate it, I really do, well maybe not what James said, but I’ll admit defeat. I have been thinking about getting back into the dating scene.”

“A-ha!” James shouted, gesturing his final piece of bacon towards Remus. “The man is smelling the coffee. I can see it, he’s smelling it.”

“But,” Remus said softly, hoping that his reduced volume would subtly encourage James to be quieter as well, “I don’t really know how to meet people. I mean, we’re not in school anymore.”

“It isn’t easy, but you are in a much bigger city now,” Lily reasoned, “so theoretically your dating pool is much larger.”

“And there’s all kinds of designated queer spaces here!” James added. “You can go to gay bars and stuff, right?”

“I would pay to see Remus at a gay nightclub,” Marlene said, laughing.

“I would pay to see Remus awake past nine PM,” Dorcas said, “and not because you’re finishing a book.”

“Okay, okay, thanks everybody. I appreciate it.” Remus said flatly.

“Alright, let’s reel it in. Point is, you can meet people organically here, and we’ll support you.” Lily said. After she gave pointed looks around the table, the others nodded, although James was still smiling. “We can switch the topic now, but you better plan on keeping us updated on all your dating endeavors.”

James continued to smile mischievously, and added “And all of your casual sex endeavors. I need to know the exact starting date of your post-breakup hoe-phase. Get on the dating apps! You’d be a beast on there.”

“No.” Remus and Lily said in unison.

Lily continued, “I think you’ll have better luck meeting people organically. Dating apps can be creepy.”

When Dorcas finally changed the topic by prompting Marlene to tell the story of the cat she swore was taking the bus by itself last week, Remus sighed in relief.

***

A few days after James and Lily’s visit, Remus and Dorcas met for coffee before work. Once they had gotten their iced coffees, and in Remus’s case, a giant brownie (he hadn’t been to the Italian restaurant in a few days, so it was well-earned), Dorcas began a monologue that could hold its own against one of James’s.

"Alright. We love James and Lily. We love their beautiful, heterosexual, suburban lives. I am in awe of their enchanting, heterosexual love story, and how they met heterosexually and organically in their Communications class, and how it must have been meant to be when James was late to class and took the only available seat, next to our heterosexual princess.”

Remus laughed in silence, trying not to choke on a bite of brownie.

“Their heterosexual hearts are in the right place. Their heterosexual advice is kindly meant. And yet!” Dorcas announced, punctuating with one pointer finger, “you’re gay!”

Remus, having just finished swallowing the brownie and mistakenly taken a sip of coffee, struggled to not spit it out.

“Dating apps can be weird, of course, but it’s so much easier to meet other queer people there, and not worry as much about hoping the person you flirt with isn’t going to be offended by your existence.”

“Fair point,” Remus said, consciously not eating or drinking until Dorcas was finished.

“Until they open an LGBTQ+ bookstore coffee shop combo, which they totally should, and you would totally thrive in, you should get on Tinder."

Somehow Remus blushed at that, despite being a twenty-six year-old man who has dated before.

Dorcas called him on his blush, and laughed. “You are the most wholesome person I know, it’s too adorable. I won’t make you talk about it in public if it’s embarrassing, but just consider it.”

Remus agreed to do so, but secretly considered the pros and cons of staying single forever. Making a dating profile sounded anxiety-inducing.

***

When Remus walked through the doors of the Italian restaurant for the third time, he instantly felt a little better, as if his brain was already beginning to associate the place with the healing effects of the pizza he would soon be eating.

He had been feeling a little down this afternoon, with his thoughts often gravitating back towards his ex. He considered reaching out to one of his friends, since he knew they would be more than happy to talk him through it, but decided that a little alone time would do him good. Besides, he hadn’t eaten margherita pizza in over a week. It was time to indulge.

Looking up from his booth, he was momentarily surprised to find Sirius standing right in front of him, ready to take his order. Sirius hadn’t been working during Remus’s most recent visit, and Remus tried not to stare at the wavy pieces of hair framing his face, the rest tied back in place. Realizing that Sirius had spoken, Remus tried to regain composure.

“Hi, um, sorry, what was that?” So much for composure, Remus thought.

Sirius smiled warmly, holding eye contact. “You’re good. I just asked what I can get started for you today.” He added a little gesture to the pen and notepad he was holding.

“Oh, um, one small margherita pizza, please. And some water would be great, too.”

“Coming right up!” Sirius announced, and turned towards the kitchen. Remus pointedly looked away from the view, reminding himself that he was here to feel sad, not lustful. But, then again, maybe the latter would help him get over the former. Either way, his spirits were already lifting.

When Sirius returned carrying a beautifully steaming pizza, Remus was ready to devour it. He was also ready to speak words to Sirius like a normal person, having mentally rehearsed “Thank you, this looks great.” a hundred times.

“Thanks, you look great!” Remus expressed, looking at Sirius. His blush immediately materialized. “Wait, oh god. Sorry–”

Sirius laughed, “No worries! People tell me ‘you too’ when I tell them to enjoy their food, like, at least once a shift. You’re in good company.”

Remus smiled and felt a little more relaxed. “Thanks.”

Sirius shuffled for a second, looking like he had more to say, before saying “Well, enjoy your pizza!”

“You too!” Remus said, in mock sincerity. They both laughed.

***

When Sirius brought the check, he also dropped off a piece of tiramisu. “It’s for you!” He said, smiling and already walking away, as Remus tried to protest.

Remus ate about forty percent of the cake, mentally focusing intensely on the next plot point in his novel. Eventually, the soggy texture overpowered his desire to appear grateful for the free dessert, and he left the restaurant quietly when Sirius stepped back into the kitchen, away from sight.