#Reminder that being depressed doesn’t excuse you traumatizing others

[rowantheshittydogowo]

Hey guys, maybe instead of playing into a sexist stereotype, We should let women characters have more than “sad uwu baby that needs to be saved and because she’s depressed she can’t handle herself”

Yes, this is directed at frecklewish and what the fandom did to her. She’s interesting because of her anger, and being unreasonable and irrational, she’s not a one-dimensional woman character, whose only personality is “kind”. Her anger IS her grief. Yes we could show her being sad, but don’t show her sobbing as she commits aggravated assault and hate speech?

[littlenighttales]

Spoilers for The Sounds of Nightmares (E3).

Okay

Spoiler warning over

The Theater of the Mind

(Live typing as I listen here, will keep later edits in parenthesis)

The nightmares are a reality.

Guys. Fellas. Friends. Amigos.

The very first few seconds basically says we are all right. The nightmares are both real and nightmares. Noone just straight up gets vanquished into the shadow realm as she sleeps.

Seems that the Signal Tower’s corruption has tunneled across time and space into the real world, growing strong enough to teleport kids into it. Maybe adults are doomed to become residents?

This means Six, Mono, everyone else probably had a happy life, and that unholy abomination took it from them. But then, what are the odds that this would happen to siblings? We see siblings in the LN comics.

Also Noone thinks Otto is her friend ;w;

Oh. The innocence….

It’s going to be really bad if (when) Otto turns out to be a baddie.

Noone’s dreams are… kind of depressing. Imagine that. Nightmares. Depressing.

The idea of growing up makes her sad (this comes up more than once) after she plays with one of those potty training dolls. She got bored fast. Fear of growing up is a bit common in kids that are traumatized. Noone is under 10, I figured most likely around 6-8.

Speaking of dolls, I’m pretty sure that doll is a demon.

Noone’s seemingly interested in jewelry. She kind of abandoned the doll in favor of jewelry and it up and dipped while she was gone.

Sounding like the dolls are kids, kind of like the Nest. (This part was wrong, which is good considering the one Noone played with started leaking what sounded like blood from the audio.)

She goes to see a movie in her dream. One with unicorns. She seems to like those, meaning Noone would get along with my Frisk for sure!

The audience in this theater, she realizes, aren’t people, but mannequins. (Might be worth mentioning the hospital mannequins and the old LN2 cut concept art of Mono and Six sneaking by an army of distracted ones?)

Then the Ferryman appears with the scent of the sea.

Noone doesn’t really remember much more about the Ferryman, so Otto just flips the heck out- definitely a bad therapist at a minimum. They’ve got to pause for a second, I think a break happens here. After that break, Otto apologizes and Noone continues.

Also demonic PA and an Eye. So a theater/mall version of the Eye Tower, sounding like?

Noone- which is pronounced Noon- is nicknamed “No One” which is how I first pronounced it when I first saw it written.

The Theater seems lonely? That’s kind of sad. But it seems a bit concerned for Noone? Forgot to mention, the theater is in a mall. So it’s really an Eye Mall. It’s lonely. Kind of reminds me of Mono… maybe the Signal Tower is lonely, too? (Oh… oh no. Guys, what if this WAS Mono talking? Somehow controlling the eyes in the Mall as an extension of himself? Could explain the arguing that it did with itself. Excuse me while I go cry all of the tears at this idea regardless.)

The Mall seems to want to protect Noone from the Ferryman.

Noone’s not a fan of the fame from being cured, which I mentioned before (I think in my E2 review.)

At the end, Noone asks “do I have to go back to my room?”

So, she’s still in a hospital maybe? Mental institute? If this is the case, could all the kids in LN have some mental health/nightmare issues?

(Otto does seem to have some personal motives. Like… he wants to protect Noone (“This time I will protect you”), maybe he sees her as a daughter figure? Projecting CiCi onto her? But it also feels like he’s using her to find his own daughter- which is entirely understandable! Knowing your child was kidnapped by a lovecraftian horror would be devastating emotionally and mentally.)

(I’ve also begun to wonder, could Six be CiCi? Could Six be sharing these “nightmares” with other kids? Maybe the Maw, the Nest, and the City, etc aren’t her dreams, but Mono’s, RK’s, and Rain’s? If Six is CiCi, then perhaps six was just her patient number? All she remembered being called? Mono could be a similar case. That is, assuming they were all put into a similar ward.)

[cyarskj52]

A Reminder for Drake and Others: Tory Lanez Is Not a Martyr

It’s disappointing, but not surprising, to see Drake advocate for Tory Lanez after being convicted of shooting Megan Thee Stallion

By Andre GeeFebruary 27, 2024

It’s disappointing, but not surprising, to see Drake advocate for Tory Lanez after being convicted of shooting Megan Thee Stallion

Drake compels the masses like a seasoned advertising director. He knows sharing something as simple as a new hairdo will strangle social media for days on end. So when he called for Tory Lanez’s freedom on his Instagram story, he knew it would garner similar visibility as activists screaming “Free Meek Mill” from the streets of Philadelphia. On Monday, Drake posted a picture of Tory and “3 You,” a version of “Free You” where the three were set to represent open handcuffs. 

“Free [Insert Person”] is standard cultural parlance in communities of color. “Free Meek” was a stand against the Philly rapper’s prolonged probation. “Free Mumia [Abu-Jamal]” is about amplifying a freedom fighter who people believe was unjustly convicted. Other times, like with “Free Bobby Shmurda,” it can be a complicated admission that even if we know someone did wrong, we understand that systemic inequality can encourage bad choices from good people, essentially creating a long-looping form of entrapment. 

You may scream “free” someone as an advocate, loved one, or an empathizer. But screaming “Free Tory Lanez,” is an asshole move. 

Popular on Rolling Stone

Last August, Tory was sentenced to 10 years in California State Prison for shooting Megan Thee Stallion in 2020. In December 2022, he was convicted of assault with a semi-automatic firearm, carrying a loaded, unregistered firearm in a vehicle, and discharging a firearm with gross negligence. 

He’s on a recorded call apologizing to Megan’s former friend Kelsey for an unknown grievance that many deduce to be Megan’s shooting. During testimony, Kelsey called the notion that she shot Megan “ridiculous.” A witness in the trial testified that he saw a “shorter man,” alleged to be Tory, firing “four to five” shots and then beating Megan as she lay bleeding in a fetal position. But despite the mountain of evidence suggesting his guilt, Drake, Chris Brown, Meek Mill, and others have since expressed solidarity with Tory. Are they saying they don’t believe Megan, or that they don’t care what happened to her?

Editor’s picks

Since that night, people treated the shooting like a soap opera or binary of fandom instead of a traumatic incident that someone should atone for. On “Cobra,” Megan rapped about dealing with depression, alcohol dependency, and suicidal ideation since being shot. Her account of that night was scrutinized by armchair sleuths, and she was relentlessly lampooned by entertainers and consumers. Tory even took part in the circus, chopping a horse leg in his “CAP” video. As I noted before about Tina and Ike Turner, hip-hop has a penchant for playing too much, perhaps because many of its progenitors are so predisposed to toxic behavior and violence that we don’t know how to take domestic violence seriously. But that dynamic almost always turns into disrespecting women survivors, and it’s no excuse for how Megan is being treated.

Drake’s had several weird dustups with women in recent years. During a recent stop on his Big As The What tour, he made a point to play “Work” with Rihanna, then tell the crowd that he doesn’t perform the song anymore. That comes after dissing her and A$AP Rocky on For All The Dogs’ “Fear of Heights.” And, more alarmingly, he’s shouted out rapper and friend Baka Not Nice, who in 2015 pled guilty to assaulting a 22-year-old woman who he was charged with forcing into sex trafficking. The woman didn’t testify in the case, so he wasn’t tried on the latter charge. While Baka was incarcerated, Drake rhymed, “I might declare it a holiday as soon as Baka get back on the road,” on 2015’s “Know Yourself.” Would women be invited to that celebration? Perhaps Drake should head to his room full of bras and reflect on whether he genuinely cares about the humanity of any of the former owners. 

It’s unclear when he and Megan, who were pictured together in 2019, first fell out. In 2022, he rapped “this bitch lie ’bout getting shots, but she still a stallion” on Her Loss’ “Circo Loco.” Last summer, he made it a point to snidely clarify “not that Meg,” while shouting out photographer MegYup during his It’s All A Blurtour. And now, after Megan may have dissed him on “Hiss” (she intentionally refrained from naming names so hit dogs could holler) he’s advocated for her attacker. 

Related

Drake isn’t the first person to speak up for Tory post-sentencing, either. Chris Brown, who assaulted Rihanna and has been accused of over 20 instances of violence (many against women), called to “Free Tory” on streamer Adin Ross’ live stream, calling Tory “a solid dude.” His morally questionable comments are unsurprising. 

Last July, Meek Mill screamed “Free Tory” while performing at Rolling Loud Portugal. He later doubled down, tweeting, “I say free young thug … free lucci … free melly I don’t even know why y’all start dealing with us if yall gone try to smear us.’ Of course, there is a layer of nuance. Anti-prison abolitionists believe that the justice system is inherently racist and should be uprooted. But even those progressives didn’t feel much sorrow when Tory was convicted because of his conduct and arrogance throughout the leadup to the trial. Restorative justice advocates believe there can be a world where people who commit violence can take accountability, and apologize to the person they hurt, and everyone can heal without the need for incarceration. 

There is a belief that the modern justice system, which essentially requires a suspect to deny their guilt, doesn’t help a survivor heal, and the dehumanizing conditions of prison certainly aren’t a rehabilitative environment for violators. Some abolitionists may believe that Tory shouldn’t be incarcerated because prisons shouldn’t exist in the first place. That is a complicated discussion. But it’s also not likely that Drake, Brown, or Meek were saying “Free Tory” from an abolitionist lens — they were just trying to support the boys club. 

Trending

Despite Tory’s conviction, the bowels of the gossip blogosphere, run by misogynistic podcasters and streamers, still cling to rumors of suppressed videos and secret witnesses and anything else that may appear out of fairy dust to legally absolve the Toronto artist and affirm their twisted belief that women are never to be trusted. It’s sad to think that so many of music’s biggest names enabling that cohort. 

Despite their increasingly blatant misogynoir, artists like Drake still boast devoted fanbases who will propel him to record-breaking streaming numbers and refer to him as their figurative “husband.” It’s more proof that advocacy for a convicted violator of a Black woman isn’t a cardinal sin. If anything, it’s the norm. How long will we let that be the case?

Sent from my iPhone

Translation: if you love your man so much, schedule for sex in prison Aubrey Graham.

or better yet just go to hell and take your bald head biiich with you.

[subbylittlegaygirl]

Little vent

1. i got into a silly little debate with someone about how because I dont have a depressing traumatic backstory and grew up relatively accepting household i “shouldn’t complain about gender dysphoria”i could probably write a college thesis length paper on how dumb this is but it mostly boils down to: just because your suffering or the suffering of someone else is worse than yours does NOT mean that you dont get the right to complain and open up. To get it through your thick skulls its like breaking a bone and losing a limb, sure one is worse than the other and has longer lasting impact, but a broken bone is still serious and both are deserving of care, someone else having a worse injury does not invalidate the broken bone persons need for medical attention

2. stop hating on gen alpha. By hating on gen alpha you are just continuing the cycle of hatred, even if you think it’s stupid is it more dumb than the shit you did when you were eight or nine? (the answer is no, its not stupid you just refuse to accept that culture is a growing entity) By remaining rooted in place on topics of modern culture you become the very people that you swore you wouldn’t be, the people that hate because they dont understand the nuances of a topic, you become like boomers who hate technology and long for “the good old days”

3. Not everyone falls under your narrative. Not every transfem wants to be called brave for just being themselves, not every psychotic person is a threat to yours or others safety, not every depressed person is always mopey and sad, not every woman in a primarily masculine field is a slay queen girlboss, identity is messy and trying to quantify anything about it into numbers or boxes is impossible

4. Sometimes there doesn’t need to be a “devils advocate” I recently had a situation where someone was arguing in favor of neo-nazi ideals under the banner of devils advocate. If you always play the role of devils advocate maybe take a step back and assess if youre devils advocate or just racist

5. If you want people to “be themselves” then quit fucking shaming them for being themselves. Someone opening up and not turning out to fit your expectations of being this cool sexy shy nerdy (but not in the bad way!!!!) softie is no excuse to shame them for being a nonstandard human being. Accepting everyone means everyone not just the ones that fit your story

6. Just because you intended something as a joke doesn’t mean it didn’t affect someone. Back in the good old days of middle school so many people made SA/Rape jokes and when one of my friends who had been a victim of sexual abuse had a breakdown because of all the reminders of her trauma and started telling people to please stop they all just said “its a joke” and continued. You dont know what someone else has been through and as a rule of thumb only joke about something if the person youre poking fun at has joked about it themselves

7. You dont owe anyone anything just because you had any kind of relationship with them. I hear way to often “but you were friends for so long” and “but hes your dad” If someone treated you poorly you have full rights to cut contact whenever, you have the right to hate them and not want anything to do with them, the only way you should love someone is because you love them, not because they did something for you or because anything besides YOUR decision

8. Please please please stop swooning over serial killers, narcissists, sex criminals, and abusers. Those people have RUINED LIVES, they deserve to be HATED with your whole soul. THEY ARE CALLED TOXIC RELATIONSHIPS BECAUSE THEY WILL FUCKING POISON YOU. STOP ROMANTICIZING ABUSE AND STOP FUCKING FEEDING THESE PIECES OF HUMAN FILTH WITH ANY FUCKING SHRED OF KINDNESS

9. Personal one but holy fuck stop shipping real people and children. Those are not writers constructs who dont exist those are people with hopes, dreams, memories, sadness, emotion, and story that you are treating as a fucking object to be paired with another object because “it would be so cute”. If you ship children i will find you and i will tear out your intestines to fucking string up like holiday garland

10. Specific one but stop treating trans people’s deadnames like just another name, at least to me everytime i hear it i get this bigass wave of dysphoria, if i poke fun at my brother and call him a name for, you know, existing as my sibling or doing something he will respond with “ok [deadname]” and it just hurts on a visceral level

vent over

[cyarsk52-20]

21h ago

A Reminder for Drake and Others: Tory Lanez is Not a Martyr

It’s disappointing, but not surprising, to see Drake advocate for Tory Lanez after being convicted of shooting Megan Thee Stallion

ROLLING STONE

GIF by theozkids

A Reminder for Drake and Others: Tory Lanez Is Not a Martyr

It’s disappointing, but not surprising, to see Drake advocate for Tory Lanez after being convicted of shooting Megan Thee Stallion

ROLLING STONE

A Reminder for Drake and Others: Tory Lanez Is Not a Martyr

It’s disappointing, but not surprising, to see Drake advocate for Tory Lanez after being convicted of shooting Megan Thee Stallion

By Andre GeeFebruary 27, 2024

It’s disappointing, but not surprising, to see Drake advocate for Tory Lanez after being convicted of shooting Megan Thee Stallion

Drake compels the masses like a seasoned advertising director. He knows sharing something as simple as a new hairdo will strangle social media for days on end. So when he called for Tory Lanez’s freedom on his Instagram story, he knew it would garner similar visibility as activists screaming “Free Meek Mill” from the streets of Philadelphia. On Monday, Drake posted a picture of Tory and “3 You,” a version of “Free You” where the three were set to represent open handcuffs. 

“Free [Insert Person”] is standard cultural parlance in communities of color. “Free Meek” was a stand against the Philly rapper’s prolonged probation. “Free Mumia [Abu-Jamal]” is about amplifying a freedom fighter who people believe was unjustly convicted. Other times, like with “Free Bobby Shmurda,” it can be a complicated admission that even if we know someone did wrong, we understand that systemic inequality can encourage bad choices from good people, essentially creating a long-looping form of entrapment. 

You may scream “free” someone as an advocate, loved one, or an empathizer. But screaming “Free Tory Lanez,” is an asshole move. 

Popular on Rolling Stone

Last August, Tory was sentenced to 10 years in California State Prison for shooting Megan Thee Stallion in 2020. In December 2022, he was convicted of assault with a semi-automatic firearm, carrying a loaded, unregistered firearm in a vehicle, and discharging a firearm with gross negligence. 

He’s on a recorded call apologizing to Megan’s former friend Kelsey for an unknown grievance that many deduce to be Megan’s shooting. During testimony, Kelsey called the notion that she shot Megan “ridiculous.” A witness in the trial testified that he saw a “shorter man,” alleged to be Tory, firing “four to five” shots and then beating Megan as she lay bleeding in a fetal position. But despite the mountain of evidence suggesting his guilt, Drake, Chris Brown, Meek Mill, and others have since expressed solidarity with Tory. Are they saying they don’t believe Megan, or that they don’t care what happened to her?

Editor’s picks

Since that night, people treated the shooting like a soap opera or binary of fandom instead of a traumatic incident that someone should atone for. On “Cobra,” Megan rapped about dealing with depression, alcohol dependency, and suicidal ideation since being shot. Her account of that night was scrutinized by armchair sleuths, and she was relentlessly lampooned by entertainers and consumers. Tory even took part in the circus, chopping a horse leg in his “CAP” video. As I noted before about Tina and Ike Turner, hip-hop has a penchant for playing too much, perhaps because many of its progenitors are so predisposed to toxic behavior and violence that we don’t know how to take domestic violence seriously. But that dynamic almost always turns into disrespecting women survivors, and it’s no excuse for how Megan is being treated.

Drake’s had several weird dustups with women in recent years. During a recent stop on his Big As The What tour, he made a point to play “Work” with Rihanna, then tell the crowd that he doesn’t perform the song anymore. That comes after dissing her and A$AP Rocky on For All The Dogs’ “Fear of Heights.” And, more alarmingly, he’s shouted out rapper and friend Baka Not Nice, who in 2015 pled guilty to assaulting a 22-year-old woman who he was charged with forcing into sex trafficking. The woman didn’t testify in the case, so he wasn’t tried on the latter charge. While Baka was incarcerated, Drake rhymed, “I might declare it a holiday as soon as Baka get back on the road,” on 2015’s “Know Yourself.” Would women be invited to that celebration? Perhaps Drake should head to his room full of bras and reflect on whether he genuinely cares about the humanity of any of the former owners. 

It’s unclear when he and Megan, who were pictured together in 2019, first fell out. In 2022, he rapped “this bitch lie ’bout getting shots, but she still a stallion” on Her Loss’ “Circo Loco.” Last summer, he made it a point to snidely clarify “not that Meg,” while shouting out photographer MegYup during his It’s All A Blurtour. And now, after Megan may have dissed him on “Hiss” (she intentionally refrained from naming names so hit dogs could holler) he’s advocated for her attacker. 

Related

Drake isn’t the first person to speak up for Tory post-sentencing, either. Chris Brown, who assaulted Rihanna and has been accused of over 20 instances of violence (many against women), called to “Free Tory” on streamer Adin Ross’ live stream, calling Tory “a solid dude.” His morally questionable comments are unsurprising. 

Last July, Meek Mill screamed “Free Tory” while performing at Rolling Loud Portugal. He later doubled down, tweeting, “I say free young thug … free lucci … free melly I don’t even know why y’all start dealing with us if yall gone try to smear us.’ Of course, there is a layer of nuance. Anti-prison abolitionists believe that the justice system is inherently racist and should be uprooted. But even those progressives didn’t feel much sorrow when Tory was convicted because of his conduct and arrogance throughout the leadup to the trial. Restorative justice advocates believe there can be a world where people who commit violence can take accountability, and apologize to the person they hurt, and everyone can heal without the need for incarceration. 

There is a belief that the modern justice system, which essentially requires a suspect to deny their guilt, doesn’t help a survivor heal, and the dehumanizing conditions of prison certainly aren’t a rehabilitative environment for violators. Some abolitionists may believe that Tory shouldn’t be incarcerated because prisons shouldn’t exist in the first place. That is a complicated discussion. But it’s also not likely that Drake, Brown, or Meek were saying “Free Tory” from an abolitionist lens — they were just trying to support the boys club. 

Trending

Despite Tory’s conviction, the bowels of the gossip blogosphere, run by misogynistic podcasters and streamers, still cling to rumors of suppressed videos and secret witnesses and anything else that may appear out of fairy dust to legally absolve the Toronto artist and affirm their twisted belief that women are never to be trusted. It’s sad to think that so many of music’s biggest names enabling that cohort. 

Despite their increasingly blatant misogynoir, artists like Drake still boast devoted fanbases who will propel him to record-breaking streaming numbers and refer to him as their figurative “husband.” It’s more proof that advocacy for a convicted violator of a Black woman isn’t a cardinal sin. If anything, it’s the norm. How long will we let that be the case?

Sent from my iPhone

Translation: if you love your man so much, schedule for sex in prison Aubrey Graham.

or better yet just go to hell and take your bald head biiich with you.

[cizzisblog]

things that piss me off about dabi and fans’ reactions to this arc:

-Dabi is definitely, absolutely not justified in going after Shouto (who deserves none of this!! this boy deserves only love and support and some gotdamned therapy) ima just say that now.

-It’s also shitty of Dabi to say he didn’t care if Natsuo was hurt/killed.

-The canon characterization may very well be Dabi is so far down the path of revenge and has spent so long suffering alone away from his family members that he no longer cares for them/feels anything and is willing to proceed with plans to hurt Endeavor even if they are caught in the crossfire. However, I also feel it’s worth mentioning that right now, he very much seems to be caught up in a manic episode/meltdown/basically losing his shit. Think about it- he’s spent however many years plotting this moment and his chance to get revenge on his father and expose him to the world is finally here, and I think the likelihood that he’s saying whatever shit he thinks will hurt everyone the most is likely. That, or he’s so caught up in the mania he’s just lashing out at fucking everything. I think to some extent he means it, because he’s shown signs of being severely depressed and there’s a numbness that comes with that, but I also think deep down there is still some care there, even if small, or at least some acknowledgment that the other members of his family aren’t the main target and source of his suffering. He literally hasn’t seen them in years and it’s easy to say ‘I don’t care’ when it’s not to their faces. (Why send a tape specifically to Rei and keep track of her? Why not hurt Shouto at the summer camp when he so easily could have?) I think it’s also clear he didn’t mean to kill Endeavor with the previous Nomu attacks, but wanted him to succeed (in a ‘Build him up bigger so when I bring him down he falls even harder’ type of way. After all, Dabi obviously wanted to be the one to take down Endeavor, not a random Nomu.) Again, shitty he didn’t care that Natsuo/Shouto got caught up in it, but I think he didn’t think Natsuo would die due to Endeavor saving him. (Again, that doesn’t justify it, and is some twisted logic, but this is complicated.)

-I want to make very clear I’m not absolving Dabi of his actions, but as an abuse victim and someone who’s intimately familiar with familial abuse, his actual feelings do not make him a bad person and are actually more common than you’d think if you’ve never experienced abuse. When you’re suffering that kind of trauma for so long, you lash out at and feel angry at other people in the household, even other targets of abuse, because your abuser fucks you all up so bad and turns you against each other (even if not intentionally). It becomes a sick competition for attention even from a person who’s horrible and terrible. Dabi undoubtedly felt like he’d been thrown away and jealous of Shouto, the ‘perfect child’ Endeavor finally succeeded in getting (again, this doesn’t excuse him actually hating Shouto, but I can see why he might feel bitter). In a perfect world he would’ve dealt with those feelings with therapy and realized Shouto was just as much a victim and not murder attempts, but this is bnha lmao. Him wanting to hurt Shouto- a fucked up urge, but in a trauma-inducing environment as a mentally ill teenager, you can understand why he felt it. Acting on it is what’s truly fucked up. I also find it unlikely he doesn’t care for Natsuo at all. Natsuo, who he went to specifically for comfort for his whole childhood, not even his mother but his brother?

-At first glance, it may seem many “fanon” interpretations of Dabi are now ‘invalid’ or whatever but I disagree. Sure, we do know that he wasn’t secretly skulking about watching out for his siblings from the shadows- clearly. But narratives that involve him reconnecting with his siblings, remembering or learning to care for them again, realizing he’s hurting them and he isn’t the only one with trauma, reconnecting with his want to protect them as his family, etc. still make sense. People are not static. They still hold the capacity for change and healing given the proper circumstances. Most fanfic are AUs, given they don’t follow canon exactly and word for word, and characters can make different decisions and feel differently if different events happen. Even if you do want to write a very different characterization for Dabi, that’s fine, especially if bnha ultimately ends up doing the whole Todoroki narrative dirty.

-In conclusion: yes, currently Dabi is acting a madman and doing some very reprehensible things. He is a severely traumatized individual who grew up in a home involving copious amounts of violence. However, I do not think the point of all this family drama is just to say “fuck it, Touya’s dead now he was too far gone whoops! But heroes are good anyway!” I think it’s likely we’ll get some scene with him arrested and being confronted by Rei or Natsuo or something along those lines and see some regret. (Why spend so much time on this arc and show their reactions if they aren’t going to be involved at all?) Simultaneously, it’s also possible the story will go the “he’s too far gone” route and basically have him end up as a mirror of Endeavor: so obsessed with his own trauma he threw his own family under the bus for his own revenge plan. While possible, I think that’s a shitty and lazy way to go and disrespectful to Touya himself as an abuse survivor. He is definitely extremely deep in his revenge right now, but I do not want that to be the end of his character.

-I want Dabi to have to face up to his own actions. I want him to realize he fucked up and hurt people he shouldn’t have. I don’t think we’ll get some mushy apology montage, but we have not once seen all the Todoroki siblings together at one time, and I want Dabi to have to deal with the repercussions of seeing his family again and realizing oh, they were never the ones I should have hurt, and I don’t think he’s too far gone to do that.

-I think it’ll be really shitty if Dabi, an abuse survivor, is ultimately depicted as the insane lunatic that needs to be put down and has no chance for any kind of redemption while his abuser who bought his wife for eugenics and neglected/abused his entire family gets to walk free with a shitty redemption arc. Don’t get me wrong, I’m aware Dabi is a villain and as such is going to be on the losing side in a story where heroes win (I mean, it’s technically all a flashback from number one hero Deku) but he still has very valid points about hero society and how fucked up Endeavor truly was, and throwing it all away would be such a cop out. If bnha does truly go with the most insulting route for Dabi I feel it shows a lack of understanding for abuse and abuse survivors and fanfic authors are justified in ignoring and changing that for fics, especially if they’re abuse survivors themselves. I guarantee they’ll write better narratives about abuse lmao.

-Lastly: Dabi is a morally grey character. He’s a villain. But people who like his character or want to look at the why and how of his actions in a nuanced way are not just ‘dumb villain stans’ or whatever weird shit the bnha fandom has come up with. We just want this narrative to actually make some goddamned sense. Dabi’s actions are not all justified but do make sense in the context of his backstory and motivations and current mental state, I just hope to god hori doesn’t ruin it completely from here.

Edit: this post is also highly likely imo and also explains Dabi’s behavior (but as a reminder for those who don’t read closely, explaining something is not the same thing as justifying it.) “I can’t feel anything anymore” is a hallmark of being depressed/suicidal and his supposedly not caring for his siblings anymore most likely has to do more with his own suicidal state than aggression towards them. Dabi acting as manic as he has these last few chapters makes sense if he isn’t planning on living.

[magniloquent-raven]

31 and 42 for any character(s) you want

eyyy ty for the ask 🥰

31. most prized possession

billy has one picture of his mother.

he managed to keep some of her stuff hidden from neil. a few small things. a filigree dolphin ring she’d left by the bathroom sink, a rinsed out jam jar full of her favourite bits of sea glass, and a paperback novel with curling edges and a broken spine. he used to pester her while she was reading, ask her endless questions until she relented and read out loud for him. didn’t matter what she was reading, he barely paid attention to the stories anyways, he just liked to hear her do the voices.

and all of those things are important to him. (he keeps them in separate hiding places, in case neil ever goes looking through his things, he doesn’t want them all thrown out at once, if it comes to that.) he’s read the book dozens of times. he used to wear the ring when he was alone in his room, but he outgrew it years ago. when he has the house to himself he sorts through the sea glass, lays it all out on his bed and tries to remember the stories she told about each piece.

and he treasures all these little keepsakes, but none more than the single, faded photograph he has of the women herself. a polaroid he took when he was too young to hold the camera properly. it’s crooked, and at a weird, unflattering angle, the sun blotting out a whole corner of the photo, but her smile is still clear and visible, and that’s all that matters.

because she left when he was so young. and he worries that one day he’ll forget what she looks like.

so he looks at the picture every day. sometimes just a glance, to remind himself, and sometimes, when he’s snuck in through his window after a party, drunk and woozy and in his feelings, he’ll sit on his floor and look at it til his eyes get tired and he can’t blink away the tears anymore.

and i think that steve would have a weird relationship with possessions. like. as a teenager, stuff feels like a burden sometimes. all the things his parents bought. he isn’t allowed to complain about his parents not spending time with him because they’ve given him things instead. that they’re at least somewhat invested in keeping him alive. his dad would definitely be one of those “you’re so ungrateful, and after we fed and clothed you all these years” kind of parents.

so he has all these things that are supposed to mean something to him, but they just. don’t.

then when him and billy become tentative friends, billy decides he’s deeply and personally offended by steve’s taste in music. and he makes him a mixtape. it’s just. songs billy likes. music that doesn’t suck scribbled on the label, with a dumb little winky face drawn on the corner. it is in no way a romantic gesture, except. excep steve’s already got a massive crush on billy so, really, he couldve handed over a fucking math textbook and steve still would’ve gotten butterflies over the fact that billy thought of him at all.

and then billy listens to it with him. talks to him about it. it’s not just that billy thought of him, made something for him, but it’s an excuse to spend time with him too.

and when they start dating billy starts to give him other stuff. little things. a wonky little stuffed turtle he snagged from a claw machine while steve paid for their pizza. a piece of sea glass he found when they took a trip to the beach (he looked real serious when he handed it over, his eyes a little distant, and steve didn’t quite understand why, but the frown was easily kissed away). and a couple more mixtapes over the years. that steve would keep even when they couldn’t be played anymore.

he keeps these things in a fancy little wooden box on his dresser, all polished and shiny with gold plated hinges. full of all the things billy’s ever given him. and maybe it’s a little fucked up that sometimes he thinks he keeps these things because he needs the tangible proof that he’s loved, and that without all the little tokens of affections he’d just float untethered and unsure, but. they aren’t just things anymore, they’re memories, and love

42. hobbies

i absolutely adore the idea of post s3 billy just. doing a bunch of grandma activities lmao. his lungs and his heart are all busted up and there’s residual chest pain and he just can’t be as active as he used to be. plus he’s not as social anymore. being possessed and traumatized will do that to you. and then people start to notice that he’s stuck at home, bored and depressed. max notices. steve notices. word gets around.

and somehow their campaign to help him leads to him learning how to bake (max starts taking out cookbooks from the library and giving them to him) and taking care of plants (steve buys him cacti and herbs and anything that blooms blue) and eventually mrs henderson teaches him how to knit. (doc owens says it’ll be good for his hands, keep his fine motor skills sharp. and he doesn’t laugh. which helps)

and all of it helps keep him occupied. keep him from wallowing too much. and it’s nice to make things. keep things alive. feels like a step forward

and idk about in canon, but whether it’s an au thing or not, i love steve as an artist. he’s not great with words, and he just feels. dumb a lot of the time. he’s not intellectual. not good at school, things that his dad and his teachers tell him he’s supposed to be good at if he wants to amount to anything. but when he gets bored in class, when he just doesn’t understand the book he’s supposed to be reading, or he can’t follow along with the complicated formulas up on the board, he doodles. his notebooks are full of little drawings. caricatures of his classmates. landscape snapshots of what he can see through the window. he gets restless and his mind wanders but when he’s drawing he focuses.

and he doesn’t really show people. doesn’t tell anyone. he doesn’t think of himself as an artist, he just can’t concentrate in class so he doodles. it’s a shameful thing.

but maybe a teacher notices. takes an interest. encourages him a little. and its not much but it’s a start. lets him think about it a little more positively. he still hides it from his parents, he knows it’d just end with a lecture from his dad, but he feels less shitty about himself when he flips through his notebooks that are full of more pictures than words.

headcanon asks

[thedreadvampy]

Like this is something I've been thinking about for a while but I think just in a broad cultural sense we have a real issue with differentiating between empathy/sympathy and forgiveness and it's getting worse.

You can feel for somebody and understand their reasons without condoning their actions

You can hold somebody accountable for their actions without ignoring or diminishing their pain

Like not to be like ~ooh callout culture~ but I do think that an assumption allying a lot of modern callouts, for example, is that whoever has the most pain is the victim, with no responsibility for pain caused, and to hold someone accountable for pain caused you also have to imply they're lying or exaggerating their own pain

ok like the latest Contrapoints video. She very much continues to say 'TERFery is unforgivably harmful and your actions are responsible for destroying so many lives and you need to stop,' but she also says 'I understand that you experienced abuse and assault for so much of your life and that is awful. I know how easy it is to project your trauma or onto other things even when you've been safe for years. You shouldn't have had to experience that'. And a decent subset of Twitter was like Contrapoints Is A JKR Apologist but like...whatever you think of her in general, this was sympathy not apologetics. She never excuses JK Rowling's actions, she regularly says that JK's trauma doesn't excuse or justify her actions and that JK needs to change, all she's doing is recognising that JK Rowling is in pain as well as causing pain.

And a lot of people seem to really struggle with that dissonance

Like every time a character in The Magnus Archives evidences real-world-type evil - causing harm in ways that we recognise from our own lives, whether that's voting Conservative or having the type of entitlement that causes you to override other people and generally just be miserable to be around, there's this regularly repeated argument that comes up, the crux of which seems to be 'this character isn't sympathetic they're a bastard!' 'this character was traumatised! how can you say they're a bastard!' and it's like

calling them a bastard doesn't preclude sympathy for their pain. that's really to my mind why effective tragedy works. we empathise with and feel for the character's pain and understand their desire to win or to lash out or to seek power, but we also recognise that they have to fall and they have to fail because they continue to hurt people and not take responsibility for that

these are petty extremely-online drama but the underlying assumption, that to feel sympathy you must be letting someone off the hook, is really really really pervasive and really damaging

there's a couple of reasons this ability to hold at once that someone is hurting and that they are hurtng others is vital in the real world imo

1) treating empathy and accountability as the same thing serves abuse. I was talking to someone I love last night about how both of us, and a lot of mutual friends, have had a very similar experience with abusive relationships, where whenever we try to push back on poor treatment we're silenced, or we silence ourselves, with the reminder that they're suffering. They've had such a hard life. They're coping with trauma. At the extreme end, he mentioned a mutual friend who had a relationship with a genocide survivor who was vastly physically and psychologically abusive, but who they didn't feel able to be angry at or say anything about because of course they could understand and sympathise with how much pain he was in, and of course how could this small pain of being constantly violently abused mean anything against the trauma of experiencing a genocide? but from outside it's obvious that being a survivor of something unspeakably traumatic doesn't make it ok for you to do horrifically abusive things.

and like. this is a fairly extreme case. but I worry because every single abuse survivor I know has a story about how much pain their abuser was in. and sometimes it's stuff like the above and sometimes it's stuff like "it was really hard for me growing up without a dad" or "I grew up autistic" or "I'm depressed and tired all the time" or "I'm sick" but the underlying message is 'you can't hold me accountable, you have to sympathise with me'. and empathy without accountability only leaves room for empathy for them, not for you. you aren't allowed to be hurt or angry about what they did to you if you acknowledge that they're hurt and angry.

but that's not true, is it? They don't have to be lying or exaggerating their pain to have hurt you. A lot of people have been through some truly heinous shit but they are still responsible for their actions. but with almost any abusive relationship trauma becomes a tool for manipulation. if you say 'you hurt me' then they say 'why are you acting like my pain isn't real? I've been hurt! stop invalidating my pain!' and it's like yeah. you have. AND you hurt me. maybe I hurt you too, and I'm responsible for that. but it doesn't mean you didn't hurt me or that I'm not allowed to be in pain or angry that you hurt me.

2) without it we can't have justice. Justice means justice for everyone. true justice is transformative, community led and empathetic, because punishment probably doesn't stop crime. you know. 'happy people don't commit murder. they just don't' and it's important to recognise that people do things for a reason if we want to actually reduce harm rather than take revenge. but it's also important to recognise that their reason being understandable doesn't undo the harm they've caused or reduce their responsibility. if I burgle a house because I'm desperate to pay my rent and feed my family, my actions are understandable, but the person whose house got broken into is still traumatised and still had their stuff broken and stolen. Empathy for both of us is vital, so is accountability. I should be held responsible for their trauma and their loss that I caused, but the best way to prevent this happening again is to a) understand that I'm scared and hurting and b) change the material conditions that cause those feelings for me and others. And this unfortunately also applies to people who do much more unforgivable things. We don't and shouldn't have to forgive them, but it isn't forgiving them or letting them off the hook to say 'i understand why you're angry. I understand that you want to be the one doing the hurting. But it's not acceptable that you did this and you can't go on as if everything's fine. We will not let you continue to do harm.' because like. Pain Is Real. Everyone has traumas that shape them and a lot of them are deeply understandable. but. just because their pain is real doesn't mean their victims' pain isn't. there needs to be space for both.

this is what is meant by 'an eye for an eye makes the whole world blind.' unacknowledged trauma begets trauma.

[mewmaru]

Break down of Aesop’s 2nd Birthday letter

I posted this on amino and Reddit yesterday, here goes now I’m sick of all the Aesop hate

Hello everyone, as many of you have seen, Aesop’s second birthday letter has been released. I’ve seen many people very mad at Aesop for wanting to hurt Victor... as you should be. But, you need to be mad for the right reasons, and I hope to bring to light some things about Aesop’s character people may be forgetting in the heat of the moment while wanting to protect the sweet boy Victor, plus other cool things I’ve noticed about the letter.

Let’s start with the first thing of note, Aesop’s dream.

“Last night I dreamt Jerry, who was standing in the dim yellow light and arranging human remains in the coffins. I helped him place white flowers in the coffins, he patted me on the shoulder and said I had done a good job.”

Aesop himself analyzes what he believes this dream means, saying:

“I think that dream might have been a sign, congratulating me on finding my purpose and reminding me of what I must do.”

But I’ll get to that in a second. Let’s talk about what I think the dream means. Starting off with the meaning of white flowers.

White flowers have a few meanings, so let’s look at those. In Asia, white blossoms symbolize death. Fair enough that those would appear in this dream. But, white flowers can also stand for humility, purity, innocence, and sympathy. White Lily’s also commonly stand for renewal and rebirth, and are often given at funerals of those who die young. Victor is young, appears innocent, and Aesop believes that he sympathizes with his victims. In Aesop’s mind, he’s giving his victims a new life after death, “rebirth”.

I doubt Aesop knows the meanings of these flowers, but it’s possible that he does, and his dream having white flowers specifically “told him” as another sign who his victim or in his mind “the person he’s helping” should be. It’s a stretch, but it’s food for thought.

Okay back to that last sentence:

“I think that dream might have been a sign, congratulating me on finding my purpose and reminding me of what I must do.”

Aesop did not end on good terms with Jerry, but he doesn’t know that. Something people forget is that Aesop is delusional. Jerry’s manipulation over the years of an already mentally ill and child sad over the death of his mother didn’t bode well, and Aesop learning Jerry killed his mother only further drove Aesop off the deep end.

To me, this shows an incredibly small about of “am I making the right decision, oh wait, my mentor is appearing in my dreams, so yes I am.” Aesop is still haunted by the man that traumatized him, but he sadly doesn’t know that. Not every victim comes out the good guy, and this is how Aesop is justifying his actions. say that louder for the people in the back please.

Already, next part.

“Over the years, I have kept Jerry’s teachings in mind and have never forgotten my duty as an undertaker. Since entering the manor, I have been looking for the right person to attempt a new start.”

This is so important because it basically confirms something I have beloved for the longest time: Aesop hasn’t killed anyone but Jerry. At least, not alone. Aesop /aided/ Jerry, he did not kill people on his own. He wanted to, and still does, but his brand of killing doesn’t involve killing anyone, you have to fit his standards, which Victor does. Lucky Victor. /j

I’m not gonna analyze who the flaky girl or cranky man could be, as I honestly don’t know.

“Someone quiet would be best suited for lying in a soft and comfortable coffin... and now, my search is over!”

This is more proof that Aesop is incredibly fucking delusional, and believes that he’s helping. He sees coffins as a safe and comfortable place of eternal rest, not as a punishment. Not an excuse man, jeez that’s creepy.

“He has a face truly made for eternal slumber!” WEE WOO WEE WOO WEE WOO—

In all seriousness, this is creepy as hell. It shows to Aesop’s selective mindset, even more selective than Jerry it seems. Aesop won’t kill just anyone, he has to think they “deserve” his “special” treatment. And he doesn’t see what he’s doing as a bad thing. “Eternal slumber”. He believes what he does is special and honorable.

“He always sits in the corner silently, looking as though he holds a secret he is terrified of anyone finding out.”

Aesop thinks by killing Victor, he’s setting him free from the stress of this secret. That’s what it looks like to me.

“I think... I am the only one who understands him, and he understands me as well.”

Just more proof that Aesop thinks his creepy brand of killing is helping. He thinks that he’s the only one who understands his victims, therefore he’s the only one who knows what’s best for them. It’s really creepy, but shows to his delusional mindset.

“I’ll talk to him tomorrow... or maybe I should write a letter to him. Only he can understand that I badly need him to become my “silent friend”.”

This shows the manipulative nature that Aesop learned from Jerry. Victor prefers to speak in letters, so how should he try to convince him? Letters, of course. That shows he cares. In his mind.

Aesop may not be aware that this is manipulative. To him, he’s just helping in the way he can, but in reality, he’s manipulating his victim into submission.

I’d also like to point out “I badly need”. This shows that Aesop is still seeking approval from Jerry, even if he doesn’t know it. Aesop wants to become Jerry. To go back to my original point of him being unaware he’s manipulative, he wants to “help” people like Jerry did, so he’s manipulating his victim in the same way, finding the same type of victims. Victims depressed and sad, people who are outcasts. To Aesop, that is just helping. But in reality, he’s horribly manipulating people more likely to submit.

Aesop is delusional.

“If he wants me to, I can even “take care” of his dog as well.”

I believe this means that he will kill and embalm Wick as well. LEAVE HIM ALONE—

“And the other two, although they’re not the most suitable candidates, I can bide my time for the perfect chance to send them off.”

I believe that this means Aesop plans to get the other two intentionally killed during the game, as they are not “worthy” of his treatment. I may be wrong, though.

So damn, Aesop my boy, creepy boy. Aesop is certainly an interesting character, an incredibly delusional man who believes he’s helping. HE’S NOT—

I hope Victor wasn’t killed by Aesop, but who know ;^;

I’m not trying to defend Aesop’s actions, just explain them. I hope this long read was worth it lol.

[one-abuse-survivor]

A vent but also I need advice.

Recently I started getting super overwhelmed around my mother. Because every time I talk to her about anything she always starts ranting to me about her problems and how life is unfair. And SHE’S always done this. Always talked to me about her trauma from when I was really young and it traumatized me. She’s always treated me like I was HER therapist.

And I got fed up with it. And I’m in therapy myself f it amongst other things. So I told her when she was ranting at me where I couldn’t get away after she picked up after a stressful day at work and talking shit about family I loved. I told her that I loved her, but I couldn’t be a therapist for her. That she should get a therapist if she needs to talk about these things.

She exploded on me and started yelling about how no one loved her. How I was her child and I was supposed to love her! And how if I REALLY loved her I would do this for her without question!

And I repeated that I do love her but I can’t be that for her. And she started ranting about how she went to therapy but she never spoke to them because she couldn’t talk to them and tried up to bring up something extremely traumatizing that triggers me. And The Who situation triggered me so much.

And this happened again today. And I tried to change the subject to something fun like how I wanted to buy a new novel that I saw. And was about to explain it to her. And she yelled at me saying “You already have to much crap!” And I immediately shut down full force and wouldn’t say anything and she got even more angry with me. And tried to get me to talk about it but I told her it wasn’t important.

And she absolutely hates when I buy myself new things. Like completely. She’s so nasty whenever she sees I’ve bought something through the mail for myself or for someone else. And I don’t know why. It’s like she doesn’t want me to feel happy. And about how I have to much stuff. I just have trouble keeping my room clean because I’m so depressed. While my mom tends to hoard stuff in her room all the time. And I mean everything. Bathroom things and kitchen things. And then yells at us when we go in there because we’re messing with her stuff. And it just makes me upset. I don’t know why she does this. And I don’t know what to do.

I'm so sorry you're going through this, nonnie 😔 your mother reminds me so much of my own, and I really hope you know you're not asking too much by asking her not to use you as her personal therapist. You were never meant to be that for her, and her trauma and mental well-being are not your responsibility. I'm really proud of you for trying to establish these boundaries with her, and so sorry they turned into more abuse. You deserve so much better than this.

She might be struggling, but that doesn't entitle her to treat you however she wants and get mad at you for not meeting her emotional needs. She's the one responsible for meeting your physical and emotional needs, not the other way around. And her demanding you prioritise her at all moments, that you always listen when she needs to vent, and excusing her own behaviours with her trauma while punishing you for any behaviour that irritates her even slightly is very, very emotionally abusive.

And she definitely sounds like she needs a good therapist who can help her deal with her pain, but the problem with these kinds of parents (and people in general) is they don't usually want to heal. Their pain has become a tool: a shield to protect themselves from being held accountable, a weapon to throw at others when they feel unsafe or upset or inconvenienced. They don't usually vent to their kids because they haven't contemplated going to therapy, but rather because their previous therapists have told them things they didn't want to hear and have tried to hold them accountable, which I think feels to them like they're being attacked and called out for being the way "they are". Their pain has become such a big part of their identity they start believing that anyone who doesn't want to put up with them for being the way "they are", or who wants to change them, or who doesn't constantly prioritise their feelings and needs, is being unfair to them, selfish, and unreasonable.

I'm, of course, not saying this to make you feel pity for her, but because you said you didn't know why she did this, and, at least in my experience, this is why many parents act in these ways. I don't know your mother, though, so please always trust your perception of her above mine!

I wish I had advice on what to do in a situation like this, but the truth is you've already done more than I ever did when I went through this by attempting to be honest with her and set boundaries. All I can really do is encourage you to talk about her with your therapist, who will know more about your personal situation and might be able to offer some other ways to protect yourself from her or enforce your boundaries.

I also hope you know you're not doing anything wrong by buying yourself and your friends things, regardless of what she has to say about it. You do deserve to be happy and to do little things for yourself and others that will make you happy.

Sending a virtual hug ❤️

[nesta-stan]

Why the "Trauma and mental illness isn't an excuse" argument about Nesta doesn't make any sense

I don't hate the state but when some one usually says it the thing being excuse are the

ACTUAL SYMPTOMS OF TRAUMA AND MENTAL ILLNESS

Like you do realize that trauma and mental illness isn't a personality trait or this thing that makes you "sad."

I saw a video once that mentioned that comments like this are actually kinda of ableist. Which I think is true.

It reminds me of when I was labeled a "disturbance" when I would breathe and cough very loudly. I have asthma. I was told to try to "control it".

So what I hear when someone says this is "I acknowledge that you have a disease. I just want you to try really hard to pretend you don't by never outwardly displaying your symptoms because it makes me uncomfortable."

Like do people who say this even KNOW what the D in PTSD stands for

" mental health concern becomes a mental illness when ongoing signs and symptoms cause frequent stress and affect your ability to function. A mental illness can make you miserable and can cause problems in your daily life, such as at school or work or in relationships." -Mayo clinic

When someone has a mental illness it can hurt the people they love but their sick. They have a disease. It really isn't their fault. Which is why psychiatrist are considered actual medical doctors who can prescribe medicine.

I did a post with a link how Nsata's "laziness" was linked with depression but here are some more quotes.

Nesta's anger issues as it relates to child abuse

"Physically harmed children (relative to nonphysically harmed children) were significantly less attentive to social cues, more inclined to attribute hostile intent, and less able to manage personal problems. They explain possible cognitive deficits in abused and neglected children by suggesting that physical abuse affects the development of social-information-processing patterns, which in turn lead to chronic aggressive behavior. The experience of severe physical harm is associated with the "acquisition of a set of biased and deficient patterns of processing social provocation information" - the national academies press

Nesta's anger issues as it relates to ptsd

"Anger is also a common response to events that seem unfair or in which you have been made a victim. Research shows that anger can be especially common if you have been betrayed by others. This may be most often seen in cases of trauma that involve exploitation or violence.

The trauma and shock of early childhood abuse often affects how well the survivor learns to control his or her emotions. Problems in this area lead to frequent outbursts of extreme emotions, including anger and rage.

How Can Anger After a Trauma Become a Problem?

In people with PTSD, their response to extreme threat can become "stuck." This may lead to responding to all stress in survival mode. If you have PTSD, you may be more likely to react to any stress with "full activation." You may react as if your life or self were threatened.

This automatic response of irritability and anger in those with PTSD can create serious problems in the workplace and in family life. It can also affect your feelings about yourself and your role in society.

Researchers have broken down posttraumatic anger into three key aspects, discussed below. These three factors can lead someone with PTSD to react with anger, even in situations that do not involve extreme threat:

Arousal

Anger is marked by certain reactions in the body. The systems most closely linked to emotion and survival — heart, circulation, glands, brain — are called into action. Anger is also marked by the muscles becoming tense. If you have PTSD, this higher level of tension and arousal can become your normal state. That means the emotional and physical feelings of anger are more intense.

If you have PTSD, you may often feel on edge, keyed up, or irritable. You may be easily provoked. This high level of arousal may cause you to actually seek out situations that require you to stay alert and ward off danger. On the other hand, you may also be tempted to use alcohol or drugs to reduce the level of tension you're feeling.

Behavior

Often the best response to extreme threat is to act aggressively to protect yourself. Many trauma survivors, especially those who went through trauma at a young age, never learn any other way of handling threat. They tend to become stuck in their ways of reacting when they feel threatened. They may be impulsive, acting before they think.

Aggressive behaviors also include complaining, "backstabbing," being late or doing a poor job on purpose, self-blame, or even self-injury. Many people with PTSD only use aggressive responses to threat. They are not able to use other responses that could be more positive.

Thoughts and beliefs

Everyone has thoughts or beliefs that help them understand and make sense of their surroundings. After trauma, a person with PTSD may think or believe that threat is all around, even when this is not true. He or she may not be fully aware of these thoughts and beliefs.

If you have PTSD, you may not be aware of how your thoughts and beliefs have been affected by trauma. For instance, since the trauma you may feel a greater need to control your surroundings. This may lead you to act inflexibly toward others. Your actions then provoke others into becoming hostile towards you. Their hostile behavior then feeds into and reinforces your beliefs about others." - U.S department of veteran affairs

Nesta's Hypersexuality as it relates to assault

"The survivor of trauma is left with unmetabolized rage which is directed both internally and externally. Simultaneously, the traumatized individual is actively attempting to escape the emotions and the loneliness of their constricted, damaged state. Their sexuality awakens early, without direction, and is often intensely driving them to seek out partners. It is this highly ambivalent state which characterizes sexual compulsivity. Their vandalized love maps (which were previously discussed) are trauma-bonded and therefore predispose them to seek out destructive partners. transactions and sexual interactions. Compulsive behavior is a means to numb-out when beginning to think and feel. This behavior also produces a high which allows the person to know she is still alive and human when feelings of depersonalization, numbness, emptiness and physical and emotional analgesia pervade. Compulsive sexual behavior becomes a solution - a means of feeling something in the dissociative fog, an experience of perceived control when feeling powerless, an illusory sense of safety connection and temporary escape from the aloneness." -U.S department of justice

Nesta's drinking

"Substance abuse and addiction is commonly connected to co-occurring disorders like PTSD, depression, and anxiety. Among people seeking treatment for PTSD are 14 times more likely to also be diagnosed with a substance abuse disorder (SUD). Attempting to self-medicate can be a cause to why many people with PTSD also abuse substance. The thought is that by abusing substances, a person with PTSD, will null or avoid PTSD symptoms. Those with PTSD with a SUD are more likely so abuse alcohol over drugs, such as cocaine. Research has found that service members and veterans that have heavy drinking tendencies are more likely to have PTSD, depression. War veterans with a PTSD diagnosis, who also drink alcohol, tend to be diagnosed with binge drinking...One of the highest risk groups for both PTSD and addiction is the veteran population. According to the U.S. Department of Veteran Affairs, veterans who seek out treatment for a SUD are often diagnosed with PTSD. This is most likely due to the emotional stress, physical demand, and mental strain of combat.10 Service members that were deployed overseas to Iraq and Afghanistan are at a higher risk of developing PTSD. In addition, PTSD has also been linked to veterans that have been sexually assaulted or harassed during their military service or experience.  Military service trauma can happen to any service member, of any gender, during their military service. Sexual trauma includes sexual assault, sexual abuse, or sexual harassment.About 1 in 5 female veterans have been diagnosed with military sexual trauma by Veteran Affairs (VA)." -American addiction centers

[mikkeneko]

Got tagged by @ushauz to do Ten Favorite Characters. This post will probably take me a couple sessions to put together, so expect lateness.

As always I am stuck on the scope of the question. Ten favorite! What does that even mean. Ten I thought were the most interesting? The most enjoyable? Characters from comfort series I read a lot, or only read once but really stuck with me? Through the years? Recently? I guess I can just pick the first ten who come to mind.

1. Ista dy Chalion from the Curse of Chalion/Paladin of Souls books. People like to talk a lot about how there should be more middle-aged matron action/adventure/fantasy heroes, well, here’s one. We meet her, at the start of the books, in a very bad place -- she had a stint as a Chosen One god-avatar in her teenage years which absolutely wrecked her life, and she never recovers from it. (Although even in the midst of her Noble Tragedy, she never loses sight of the fact that her nobility does  afford her a certain amount of privilege that other women will never have.)

Over the course of the second book she is  finally able to move on and recover from it. She starts the book as a crushingly depressed/nervous wreck of a powerless widow, and ends it as a demon-eating sorceress-paladin of a bastard god, with a sexy illegitimate trophy twink on her arm to boot. (I very much doubt that she and Illvin would ever be able to marry, all things considered, but one of the important things she learned -- as a woman whose entire social life had formerly revolved around chastity and propriety -- was to stop letting that bother her.) And she does it all without ever letting you forget that she is a highborn noble lady.

2. Wei Wuxian from The Untamed. Given how much of my mental real estate he’s taking up recently, I surrendered to the inevitable and gave him a spot on the list. I outlined a lot of the reasons I like him so much in this post, but aside from all of that there’s the fact that good (or at least good-hearted) characters who use ‘dark’ powers are magnetically appealing to me.

3, 4, 5. I almost feel like Fai Fluorite (from Tsubasa Reservoir Chronicles) Anders (from Dragon Age) and Caleb Widogast (from Critical Role) should all have to share a spot on my list given that they all follow the basic formula of being the Traumatized Cat-Loving Magic Man. It’s not quite  that simple -- they all have pretty distinct stories that go in different directions -- but I sort of feel like... I spent 369,149 words explaining why I love Anders, I don’t think I can do it again but tiny.

6. Homura Akemi from Puella Magi Madoka Magica gets a spot on this list, I think, and a spot in my heart. I don’t talk much about the series because I don’t have a lot of original things to say, but I was just reminded of this show recently and how good it was and how good she  was -- my brilliant, brave, determinator of a girl with a love as vast as the ocean. And sure, maybe she was willing to burn down the world for the sake of that love, but I sort of feel like that puts her in good company on this list.

7. I’ll go ahead and put Geralt of Rivia (from The Witcher, games and Netflix) on here; I dunno if he’d still make the list 10 years down the line, but I’ve spent a lot of time in 2019-2020 mooning over how great he is, so might as well. He’s not as firmly dead center My Type as some of the others, but he certainly fits the criteria of Unfairly Attractive, Extremely Traumatized, Surprisingly Sassy, and Tragically Good-Hearted. The good-heartedness is key! He could be as pretty and traumatized and witty as he likes but if he were fundamentally an asshole, I would not care about him.

8. Ciaphas Cain (of Warhammer 40k.) In a landscape of published fiction where heroic action characters all tend to follow very similar beats, the debonair, devious and cowardly Ciaphas Cain stands out in a way that really wormed its way into my heart. His books do tend to be a little formulaic, but sometimes that’s just what you need. And the best part about reading the entire series in one go is getting a sense of the shape of the man behind  his constant façade of self-deprecation and realizing that as much as he demurs being the brave and kind hero that his misleading reputation paints him as, he is actually pretty damn heroic on his own measures -- he cares about people, even the people under his command who he properly should be thinking of as disposable pawns, he’s way  more tolerant of (non-hostile) xenos than 99% of his countrymen, he moves time and time again to block harm and do good in a way that goes beyond his pretty flimsy excuses of ‘well I had to do it to maintain my reputation.’ 

The main reason he’s so convinced that he’s not a real hero is that he’s been raised in a (lbr, openly fascist) empire so steeped in propaganda of glory and sacrifice that is literally impossible to live up to (since the number one tenet is dying gloriously for the Emperor.) He led an entire caravan of people from the heart of bombed-out, occupied territory in a refugee march that ended up liberating the entire damn planet, he did that,  and while he would never have survived without a healthy dose of luck it was still his leadership and skill  that took full advantage of that luck. The Imperium of Man, frankly, doesn’t deserve Ciaphas Cain.

9. Raoden and Kaladin (of Elantris  and The Stormlight Archives) both share a slot as Brandon Sanderson protagonists who occupy pretty much the same narrative role: they have lost everything, been socially and physically rejected pretty much down to the dust, tossed into a role of waiting for death to come for them in a variety of cruel forms; and instead of giving in to despair they both say no.  they both say, I do not accept this for me, and I will not accept this for them either,  and they both gather fellow outcasts around them and build themselves a kingdom out of mud and scraps. Yeah, it’s a trope he uses a lot, but it’s a trope I like. (And, come to think of it, a category that Wei Wuxian and Ciaphas Cain both fall under as well. Hm.)

10.  Skywise (of Elfquest.) Honestly, at this late date I doubt I could muster an essay explaining why he is the Best Elf. All I can tell you was that this series was super duper  important to me when I was a teen, and he was my favorite character from that series. He loved to explore, he loved new knowledge and the sky and the stars, and he loved his friends and family a whole lot.

That’s that! Hmm, who to tag? @cygnahime, @cerusee, @araglas1989, @drowningbydegrees , @jaggedcliffs, @fairandfatalasfair, @fledgling-witch, @overthinkingfeathers, if you have not already done it and are interested!

[blue-maiden4]

Together Forever and Growing Pains

I'M IN LEGIT PAIN RIGHT NOW.

MY POOR BOY 😭😭

Anyways I'm gonna leave my thoughts on these episodes down here so spoilers right ahead:

-First of all: Ruby, Sapphire I know you tried to help, but dear Arceus proposing at the age of 16 IS NOT A GOOD IDEA AT ALL.

-Can we appreciate how handsome Steven looks on that shirt and suit? Damn he looks good on it 👀 (If he weren’t a minor I would marry him, but my heart already belongs to Leon so nevermind, pretend I said nothing)

-Rather than saying a straight 'no', Connie said 'not now', AND HONESTLY THAT'S SO SWEET AND IM DYING. And Steven's heartbroken face DESTROYED ME. I've never experienced such feeling but I can imagine how much it hurts. I really appreciate how Connie handled the situation in such a mature way, like she wanted to talk out things first and such. She is without a doubt Steven's soul mate ❤️.

-Watching Steven just laying on the sand while crying broke my heart in a million pieces, I felt your pain Steven, and it sucks that you have to go through this when you’re dealing with some heavy issues right now.💔

-"There isn't a future where you didn't proposed" I'm double dead now, the fact that no matter which time line they're on, Steven would propose to Connie. My heart 😭.

-Also I've seen some people asking why Steven is so worried of Connie leaving, like, he can just go visit her with Lion's help, but remember he can do the same with Lars and he acted the same way, so despite being able to visit them, the whole feeling that he's getting left behind is what is triggering these kind of reaction (or at least that's what I think).

-And remember, no matter how much you love a person, do not propose to them at the age of 16 (sorry I had to this xd) 

Okay now moving onto Growing Pains aka the episode that destroyed me physically and emotionally:

-BOI Where do I even start with this one? Okay first, seeing Steven all depressed over Connie's rejection and just eating ice cream and all kinds of sweets as a coping mechanism hits home. And this is something people do in real life when they are going through a heartbreak. Poor boy he needs a hug. 

-I would be lying if I said I didn’t scremaed the moment his body started growing our of nowhere, HOLY SHIT THE CORRUPTION THEORY IS SLOWLY BECOMING A REALITY. LIKE THAT SHIT STARTED AS SOME SORT OF JOKE, IT AIN’T FUNNY ANYMORE 😰.

-Connie being concerned about Steven and convicing him to see a doctor is the best thing ever. FINALLY SOMEONE THAT MAKES HIM SEEK HELP (Sort of)

-Okay, the fact Steven’s bones are fractured or broken is really worrying. Like, the only reason this kid isn’t dead is because of his healing powers is really messed up, and if we remember what happened in CYM, it makes sense why he was so weak and nearly dying, it was ‘cause his body was so damaged on the inside and the only things keeping together was his own gem half.

Seriously just look at all those cracks in his bones

-Also, the way Dr. Maheswaran explained how his body was constantly healing, yet it looked that mentally he hasn’t healed, that hit me like a truck. It also reminded of Pink Pearl, her gem showed no signs of damage, yet that crack on her eye was mostly due to the trauma she still had.

-The fact Steven is having the same side effect is just so....AGH I can’t even describe it, there’s no words that can say it.Seriously, he’s been through some heavy stuff since he was 13, with being so close to dying a million times, seeing loved ones die in front of him, his self doubt and existencial crisis due to Pink’s/Rose’s mistakes. That’s some serious and heavy shit, that surely was to have some effect on Steven at some point.

He’s been trying so hard to just forget about it and move on, but it’s not that simple. Those experiences are somthing that will haunt him forever until he adresses them properly. Also, the fact he tended to bottle up his emotions as a kid had also a role in all of this, he had to deal with this stuff on his own, he couldn’t talk to anyone about it, ‘cause he didn’t knew what else to do without becoming a burden.

-”What you haven’t told her?!” 

DUDE, YOU SERIOUSLY EXPECTED CONNIE TO TELL HER MOM HOW YOU FRICKING PROPOSED TO HER? COME ONE, SHE IS OBVIOUSLY NOT GONNA TELL HER, SHE WOULD HAVE FREAK OUT AT THE IDEA OF 16/15 YEAR OLDS GETTING MARRIED FOR HEAVEN’S SAKE.

-Bruh, the moment he was starting to tear up, due to all the stress and pressure he was feeling at that moment. And the way he snapped out at Connie....oof, like I don’t blame him at all, but it broke my heart. The pain he was feeling at the moment...god...😭😭😭.

-Greg getting in there and comforting him, that’s what made me cry, the whole thing that Steven’s feeling like he’s always about to die, and how he’s supposed to be happy now that everyone is saved but just can’t....it hurted....a lot. 

-And my respect and love for Connie and her mom increased here, not only she called the only person that could calm him down/help him, but they also treated Steven in way as to not alter him more and without judging. Seriously, I’m surprised Dr. Maheswaran, wasn’t like WTF the moment Steven started listing all of his traumatic experiences, instead she only explained how all of this gem stuff he’s been involved with has caused him so serious trauma.

-Now let me just say, that even though it is mostly th CG and Greg (to some degree, like the dude tried his best), we have to remember that the Gems have no idea about how a human body works, let alone how a mind of a person works. And it’s true that it wasn’t a good idea for Steven to move in with the Gems at such a young age, heck Greg is his father, he is supposed to take care of Steven and such, but considering the circumstances and that Steven is half-gem, he probably thought it was for the best, as he couldn’t teach him about gem stuff, probably the CG convinced him about this. Now, with the whole ‘they should have noticed or figured out something was wrong with Steven’, let me tell you one thing: that’s not how it works. Sure a parent should be able to tell when there’s something wrong their kid, but considering Steven became so dang good at avoiding the subject and bottling up his emotions (keeping them to himself), it practically impossible to tell when something is wrong. Parents aren’t physics, they can’t read our minds, so unless we are the ones that address the issue, there’s no other way they can’t find out about our problems. And that’s what happens in Steven’s case, and since they didn’t wanted to push him to talk about it, well, that makes it harder.

CONCLUSION: 

THIS TWO EPS DESTROYED ME, SERIOUSLY THEY LEFT ME IN LITERAL PAIN.

I was expecting them to make me cry, but dear lord, they were such heavy episodes, they even suprassed Prickly Pair, which is an episode that also messed up with my emotions. But these two made me cry. They just hit so close to me.

I’m not sure I’m gonna survive til the finale (really one of the next week eps is called Fragments, and that doesn’t give me any good vibes)

NOW IF YOU’LL EXCUSE ME, I WILL GO CRY IN A CORNER WHILE CURLED UP IN A BALL AS I LISTEN TO DEPRESSING MUSIC CAUSE I DON’T KNOW OF ANOTHER WAY TO COPE WITH THE PAIN.

[detroit-become-human-analyze]

Is Daniel/Simon (PL600) a sexual companion like North or a Traci?

Analyzing the game again, a controversy has sparked because of this picture, so let’s take a look at how much of “canon” (real game canon) might or not be behind it:

Now, we see this PL-500 picture that clearly states that, although “romantic mode” is optional, the PL-500 is intended as a intimate (sexual) partner, and if one thing we’ve notice from the androids in this game is that the first two letters usually determine “the category” (just like RK are military/police, or the YK are children). And there are two major characters on the game that are later versions of this “PL-500”, and that is the PL-600 Daniel and Simon, that although are described as “household/caretakers/companions”, it’s never specified up to what point.., and possibly the fact that they can cook meals and care for your kids is actually the NEW feature, as PLs where originally sexual/romantic companions on previous models.

This is never actually “explicit” but it’s weirdly hinted during the entire game. - So, we mostly see Daniel, a PL-600 android during the chapter “The Hostage” (witch is also the demo of the game) and maybe a bit of him (depending on what you do) at the end on the chapter “Last Chance Connor”, but we can all conclude that Daniel life was at the house of the Phillips.

At first glance everything was good at the Phillips house, and, there’s even this very nice picture of them as soon as you get off the elevator with Connor.

Connor is given very little time to determinate the best approach to rescue the hostage (Emma) from their now deviant android Daniel.

One of the first interesting things I’ve noticed, despite the fact that the Phillips are actually quite rich to be living in such an apartment (during such rough economic times in Detroit, as Kara sees it on the trip at the beginning, on Todd car), is that the mother never, EVER says ANYTHING about her dead husband. Never laments or screams or even mentions it (her husband is right there dead on the living-room, I mean...), Caroline Phillips (little Emma’s mother) is only focus on saving her daughter, and spitefully says “keep that thing away from my daughter” referring Connor, but we all assume her hate is shared to all androids (witch it’s odd, she owns one that even plays with her daughter).

This very vaguely hints the mother of the house has a quarrel with androids (for some reason) from BEFORE the incident at hand, and when you go see Captain Allen, you walk into the main bedroom.

One thing that caught my eye is that, despite having a household android, it’s nighttime and the incident has being occurring -since one hour- before Connor arrival (meaning an hour ago wasn’t the morning either, you see this on the news on the fridge area), AND, for some reason, the bed sheets are all messed up on the parent’s bedroom.

If you (Connor) analyze/re-construct where Daniel got the gun of the father, you see he never touches the bed when he goes for the gun.

I doubt Captain Allen is letting his SWAT team fool around in the bed, so that’s discarded.

The father of the family (the now “late” John Phillips) has being watching TV and using the tablet to order another android... so... why are the sheets on the parent’s bedroom undone?

If the wife was suffering depression or simply “in bed”, she would have seen Daniel go into the room in panic and get/load the gun right in front of her.

This indicates that possibly the mother was either out of the house at the moment of the event, or somewhere else (the bathroom, etc).

If you examine Emma’s room you will see that she was listening to music, as Connor concludes that this is why Emma didn’t heard the shooting, again, the mother must have being out, if not, she would have heart the entire thing... but there is a darker twist as to why Emma might have being with her music full on... Yes, there is a high provability that John Phillips, “dear old dad”, was having sex with Daniel in the bedroom next door, and there is a grater chance that obviously this was “a regular thing”. Therefore a broken relationship with his wife and that “rich people perfect family photo” was just a charade, thus, also, why “mom was out of the house”. - Even if all evidence is circumstantial, it just fits right in too fast and too perfectly to ignore in a game that pays so much attention to details and talks so much about abusive relationships and dysfunctional families.

Connor can reconstruct events but not “audio”, if you examine the late John Phillips body, you will see that Daniel stood up behind him and they actually had “a talk” BEFORE Daniel starts shooting.

By the food that was left overcooking in the kitchen, the bet is that “dad” had it with Daniel at the main bedroom (maybe even realizing at that point that having sex with the same android was “getting boring”, thus, since they obviously have the money, start considering buying another “sex android toy”).

Then Daniel went to do dinner, oversaw the same men that just had sex with him ordering another “replacement” android, got pissed off like a lover would (this is very common actually, a couple or sexual/romantic partner shooting the other if they know that they’ll being left for “someone else”), run to the bedroom, takes the gun, confronts John (his lover) verbally, Daniel finally snaps, shots him to death, and then runs (like a mother would), to get Emma.

Possibly THAT was the moment where Caroline Phillips returned to the apartment and Daniel saw/heard the elevator blocked, so he head outside.

Now, another interesting thing is that Daniel has a very close relationship with Emma (the little girl), almost “motherly like”, up to the point in witch after shooting the dad, the first thing he can think of is taking Emma (much like Kara when shooting Todd and gets Alice).

Sure, then in desperation and confusion, is shoot by the first cop that arrives and everything escalates “pretty quickly”, but any mother would tell you that after a traumatic event, the first thing you get with you is your kids.

This talks a lot about how Daniel at least “felt” he was indeed one of Emma’s parents, he has a mother instinct until Emma starts to reject him due to the situation and he realized that the girl doesn’t see him the way “he sees her”, feeling all the more betrayed.

* On a side note:

If you see where Daniel and Emma video (tablet, Emma’s room) was taken, you will see the background well enough to realize it’s the same park that Markus cross every time he goes to get paintings for Carl Manfred. - As we established before, Markus is a “patient zero” regarding deviancy.

Markus has the “virus” of deviancy (possibly implanted by Kamski itself before giving him as a “gift” to Carl Manfred), and unaware of it, spreads it to any android near him (remember the “androids are constantly shearing information, and during Freedom March, when Markus becomes aware of his ability, he can turn deviants from almost a couple blocks away from his location).

Then, if the infected android gets into a traumatic or emotional event, the “symptoms” of deviation occur. - Thus, there is a high chance that Markus infected Daniel with deviancy without even noticing when crossing the park one day, and the detonating stressful emotional trauma was later on when Daniel saw, what he obviously considered “his family” replacing him.

Simon, being also a PL-600, has also relevant behaviors to that matter, especially regarding Markus.

For instance, it’s only him and North the only ones who can “give Markus their heart” (source of power, AKA “battery”) if Markus gets wounded during the violent final protest. - This is interesting because while North might or not have an “intimate relationship” with Markus at that point, and Simon validates his point by “if you (Markus) die, our cause dies with you” kind of thing, he does seems a lot emotionally involved, and, plus... Why isn’t there a scene where, let’s say, equally important character like Josh, offers to sacrifice himself too for the good of the cause??? (let’s say you never develop a relationship with North, you let Simon die at some point, and, North being an egocentric psycho-maniac that only wants to “kill and burn”, I guess Josh would have had more chances to give his life for “the cause”).

* By the way, North has NO excuse, I’ve already explained this before, she killed (strangled) the human that “rent her” (so her immediate abuser is already dead), but also she wants to kill all other humans as well, AND!, she is quickly to say “let’s kill androids too”, so... other androids are North “victims” too, either it’s because she wants to fight and they’re being slaughter, or because “Shoot Simon!” (when, there where a lot other options).

By the way, this scene where Simon gets shot at the roof is one that makes you wonder, developers (as it’s obvious in the EdenClub chapter and Hank later reflections over it, as if it was a future where all sexuality is embraced as normal), have no issue regarding the sexual orientation of any character (if per-se’ androids are genderless and only assigned a gender to look like humans making interactions more comfortable). - If you take the gun and follow North “orders” to shoot Simon on the roof, you’ll be given a second chance to reconsider things, as Simon reminds you that “there is always another way”, but it’s up to you (Markus). - If you decide to put the gun down (disappointing North lust for blood of any color), next time this two characters meet, they hug each other very warmly, ...witch isn’t odd given that Markus thought that Simon was death and left behind... but still, quite an emotional response, because this isn’t Kara and Alice “hugging all the time”.

Add to this, during the Freedom March, Simon, being basically “the coward” throughout the whole game and avoiding conflict, if Markus gets shot (and you don’t have any other androids that came with you from the where house of Cyberlife), jumps into the fight like crazy and even dies for Markus at that point. - This goes basically against every fiber of Simon good judgment and behavior traits from the star, he is always scared and passive, even pessimistic regarding the android revolution although it supports it.

Conclusions:

Overall there aren’t hard evidence, there isn’t a “fools-proof” signature telling you any of this things, but when too many circumstantial evidence piles up, you also have a case...

The entirety of the situation with Daniel might be interpreted differently, if you stretch things up, to a more “innocent like” explanation (that I personally don’t see how could fit at this point). And trust me, this blog is for analyzing the main canon of the official game, if there was any other feeling or evidence, I would point it out... but some things are beyond any explaining, like why the bed is all messed up at night if you have a domestic android just to take care of stuff like that (even Kara makes Todd’s bed).

So, for me, the first chapter (or “demo”) sums up the end of an abusive relationship on a love triangle that torn apart a marriage and a family (like even Magazines during the game indicate, that because of “sex androids” couples where getting divorced).

But tell me what you think or if you have found any other evidence that points out otherwise!

[jowritesthingss]

A Fondness for Rabbits

Fandom: The Magnus Archives

Pairing(s): n/a

Rating: Teen (for swearing)

Content Warning(s): rabbits, food/drink, mild(ish) swearing, not!Sasha,  eldritch beings, spoilers through late s2 / early s3-ish

Length: 3,538 words

Brief Summary: Jon isn’t particularly keen on the Archive’s new rabbit mascot. (It would help if you read this first! But it isn’t required.)

AO3 link in reblogs bc Tumblr is annoying!

*

If he could, Jonathan Sims would absolutely be firing one Timothy Stoker right about now.

Unfortunately, it seems that for the moment, the both of them are stuck in some sort of limbo, working down there in the Archives.

Them and that damned rabbit Tim brought in to work.

Jon is certain, absolutely certain, that Tim only brought the thing into the Archives to bother him. It happened all too soon after they had their falling out and discovered that none of them can physically quit; there’s no way that it isn’t a coincidence.

Tim swears up and down that it’s only at the Institute because his flat doesn’t allow animals, and that it’ll be gone as soon as he can find a permanent home for it, but naturally Jon is suspicious—and rightfully so, he thinks. Perhaps Tim isn’t the one who murdered Gertrude, but that doesn’t free him from all suspicions. Jon still doesn’t know why he applied to work at the Magnus Institute. For all he knows, the rabbit could be the next step in some horrid plan of some sort.

Regardless of any possible ulterior motives, Jon knows one thing for certain—he does not want this animal in his Archives. He wants it gone, and he wants it gone yesterday.

He stresses as such to a seemingly uncaring Tim: “The moment you find it a different home, it goes. The moment.”

“Sure thing, boss,” Tim agrees placidly, and Jon huffs at that, satisfied enough for the moment.

Oh, but then Martin comes in, and Jon is tasked with the lovely job of explaining to Martin why Tim’s rabbit is allowed to stay when his stray dog wasn’t. And hell, Jon regrets this already.

He stares into the beady red eyes of the rabbit as it slowly, contemplatively munches hay in a corner of the break room. Well.

There’s nothing to do but avoid the break room from then on, yes?

-

...No. Unfortunately.

As the last person to leave at night, and the first person to get in to the Archives in the morning, Jon becomes the reluctant caretaker to the ridiculously furry animal that has begun to take over his Archives and win over his assistants.

Tim wheedles him solidly for a day, popping in at random times until Jon finally agrees to feed the rabbit every morning when he arrives and every night before he leaves. And Jon would say no, he really would, if it weren’t for Martin, annoying oaf he is with his big pleading doe eyes and his irritatingly effective pout. Jon feels the silent judgement radiating off of him every time he pops in bearing tea.

Of course, even if he can’t avoid the animal in entirety, Jon still tries to make his trips in to care for the thing as quick as possible.

He times it once out of curiosity and boredom while he waits for his laptop to finish a surprise update—he’s managed to get the whole routine down in under five minutes. Considering the routine consists of giving it hay, getting it a scoop of pellets, tossing it lettuce from the fridge, refilling its water, and tidying the litter box, he feels almost a bit proud.

It’s somewhat relieving, honestly, having something normal to express distaste at in between investigating his coworkers on possible murder charges and fighting weird worm people and stabby hand people and other supernatural stuff. It’s kind of nice, actually.

Jon’s not too sure he likes the way the rabbit looks at him, though. It’s a rabbit—it’s not like it’s all that smart, right? But something about it just seems so...so knowing. So otherworldly.

He’ll get the routine down to three minutes, Jon resolves. Anything to avoid the rabbit’s unblinking gaze.

-

The rabbit becomes Jon Jr, and Jon (now apparently Jon Sr—which, don’t get him started on that bit) becomes irritated. Well, even more irritated than he generally always is nowadays.

And yet...the rabbit seems to sense that it has been named after Jon, almost. It seems to take particular fascination with him, and he cannot for the life of him figure out why.

Whenever Jon is in the break room, the thing follows him everywhere, demanding pets and snuggles and gently nibbling at the tips of his fingers if he lets them drop low enough. So he goes into the break room less and less, expecting for it to lose interest in him or hopefully forget about or ignore him the few moments he does pop in—but the rabbit seems to become even more fiercely attached.

He knows the creature isn’t like this with the others. The rabbit doesn’t particularly like Sasha—it ignores her most of the time—and it outright bit Elias the one time he chanced in on it. It seems to like Tim and Martin a fair amount, but the moment Jon walks through the doorway it bounds over, refusing to leave his side and even trying to follow him out of the break room on a smattering of occasions.

Staring into those empty, beady red eyes, Jon could swear there is something ancient and eternal and knowing. But Tim refuses to get rid of the thing, and Martin would cry, and Sasha or Elias or probably all of them would corner him and lecture him unnecessarily about being too paranoid yet again.

Although, he could always take it to an animal shelter. The rabbit very literally eats into the Archive’s budget—the thing eats an absurdly large amount of hay. Then Martin keeps buying toys for it instead of getting the office supplies Jon has asked for just about twenty times (“what if he gets bored in there, Jon? did you know rabbits can get depression? I can’t let him get depression!”), and Tim’s determined to fatten it up with copious amounts of fresh fruits and vegetables (“only the best organics for my furred son!”).

He’s certain that he could logic it out—that if he reasoned and fought it, Elias would nod neutrally and let him get rid of it. Elias, for all he is suspect in Gertrude’s murder, seems to be the only one with a modicum of sense left in the place. Surely he’ll be on Jon’s side in this.

But when he casually asks Elias his thoughts on the matter, the man adopts an oddly amused expression and says he has no objection to an animal to emotionally support the Archives team (“especially considering the incident involving Jane Prentiss, Jon, it really might help boost employee morale”).

Jon is fairly certain that this is Elias’ stance only so that he doesn’t have to be held accountable for providing his traumatized employees with actual therapeutic aid, but he doesn’t mention it. Instead he angrily bites his tongue and excuses himself from Elias’ office before he says something stupid.

As he goes back down to the Archives and continues about his day, Jon puzzles through his predicament.

The shelter is still sounding like his best option, his coworkers’ opinions be damned. He’s always the last to leave at night and the first to arrive in the morning...perhaps he could wait until everyone is gone and take it to a shelter? Or maybe he could ask around the other departments to see if anyone needs a pet or—well, or snake food.

Although...some very small part of Jon hesitates at the thought of turning Jon Jr over to Artifact Storage or a snake or anything of the sort.

The rabbit seems almost scarily in tune with his emotions—perhaps more in tune than Jon himself—and it doesn’t seem to mean him any harm. Certainly it hasn’t attacked him with parasitic worms or stabbed him with ridiculously long, sharp fingers yet or anything like that. And, well, what could it even do if it did intend harm? Bite him? Pee on his shoes? Steal his lunch?

...Speaking of lunch, Martin keeps spilling chicken from his wrap on his pants. Jon doesn’t have the heart to tell him that the mayonnaise has also started to escape.

Abruptly, Jon stands up from the couch, throwing away his napkin and shooing the rabbit away with a foot as he wriggles his way out of the door to the break room.

It has to be because they named it after him, Jon concludes. That’s why he’s starting to get attached. That must have been their plan, and dammit, it’s working.

He’ll give Tim an ultimatum, Jon ultimately decides as he goes back to his office. Tim doesn’t have to know what Elias thinks about the situation. And he did promise that the rabbit would go when he found it a home. So either Tim finds the rabbit a home by this Friday, or it goes out to a local shelter.

...The rabbit has a home by Friday: Jon’s.

-

Jon can pinpoint exactly when it happens.

He works himself into a panic when Basira Hussein quits the police force, and he loses any chance he might’ve had at getting the rest of Gertrude’s tapes. And at this point his panic (and his bad luck streak) really isn’t all that surprising, but something about this one particular panic is bad. Really bad.

It’s late at night, and everyone has gone home (except perhaps Elias; Jon has no idea what Elias’ hours look like). Since there’s no one else there to notice him appearing even more frazzled than usual, Jon chances out of his office and into the break room for a glass of water. It ought help his scratchy throat and his shaking limbs and his buzzing head.

Of course, he’s forgotten about the rabbit entirely.

Upon shoving the door open and flicking on the light switch, Jon nearly jumps out of his skin to see the rather unpleasant reminder of the Archives’ pesky little visitor. It’s sitting directly in front of the door, staring expectantly up at him, almost as if it’s been waiting for him.

Unnerving as ‘Jon Jr’ is, the actual Jon’s exhaustion and want for water outweighs his suspicions in the given moment, so he continues forward, shuffling into the break room and very nearly staggering towards the counter.

Once he’s managed to get a cup down from the cupboard, Jon fills it with trembling hands, dropping it into the sink once and nearly dropping it across the counter once too. He turns around and nearly trips on Jon Jr, sloshing even more water out of his cup.

Despite being rained on, though, the rabbit doesn’t seem all that put out; rather, it follows him over to the break room couch, waiting almost patiently for him to sit down and get situated before it hops up and unceremoniously deposits itself in his lap.

“What?” he manages to sourly mutter at it, but he can’t muster up the energy to shoo the thing off of his lap.

So Jon sits there, in silence, drinking his water and attempting to ignore the rabbit.

His attempt does not go well. A few minutes into the stillness, the rabbit shifts, moving to face Jon. It presses its nose towards his torso, wiggling its way under the hem of Jon’s rumpled collared shirt.

Choking on a particularly large gulp of water, Jon makes a startled noise as the rabbit’s wet nose comes into contact with his bare skin.

Coughing violently, Jon tries to flinch away, falling sideways on the couch. His cup flies out of his hands—thank god it’s one of the plastic ones—and water splatters everywhere.

However, the rabbit doesn’t seem to be deterred by the sudden motion and his attempt to get away. It simply follows him, weaseling its way from his lap up towards his face. Its bright red-eyed stare burns into Jon.

Jon flinches as the thing looms in front of his face, sucking in a desperate breath. Oh, god. There’s no one for him to call out to, no help to be had. Oh, god. Is it truly some sort of—of monster—after all? Is this it? Is he about to die?

The rabbit presses forward...

...and begins to lick his nose.

As Jon lies there, frozen into some sort of terrified shock, a vague part of his mind recalls a memory of the rabbits that his grandmother’s neighbor had kept, all those decades ago. Licking someone is a rabbit’s way of kissing them, and licking someone’s nose...that’s one of the ultimate signs of love, isn’t it?

The rabbit continues to lick his nose—nothing more, nothing less. No biting, no clawing, no attacking. Just licks. Just kisses. Just...love?

Jon’s racing heartbeat slowly begins to calm down. He lets out a shaky breath he hadn’t known he’d been holding, and he allows him to fall back into the couch, relaxing his tense limbs.

The rabbit follows him as he leans into the back of the couch, clambering up onto his chest.

For a moment Jon tenses up again, unsure of what it’s planning to do, but all the rabbit does is settle comfortably onto his chest and resume licking his nose. The weight of the animal on his chest somewhat reminds him of the Admiral, back when he’d lived with his former girlfriend Georgie, and it feels...nice. Calming, almost, soothing and lessening the sheer panic he’s been feeling for the majority of the day.

“You’re not....” Jon’s voice cracks; he inhales a shaky breath before trying again. “You’re not so bad after all, are you?” He licks his lips before he cautiously tries out the rabbit’s name. “...Junior.”

Jon reaches a wobbly hand up towards Jon Jr. He stares intently at the rabbit, waiting for any sign of alarm or ill will. Seeing none, he places his hand hesitantly on Jon Jr’s back. When the animal shows no sign of startling or moving to dislodge his hand, Jon slowly begins to pet him in short, stilted strokes that quickly become more confident as the rabbit kisses his nose more fervently.

“I suppose...I suppose you can stay for...just a bit longer,” Jon murmurs into the rabbit’s warm fur. He cautiously strokes Jon Jr’s cheeks, chancing a small smile when the rabbit closes his eyes in pleasure.

And if he falls asleep there on the break room couch, there with the comforting warmth and weight of the rabbit he’d set out to hate and instead fallen hopelessly in love with—well. Nobody was there in the Archives to see it, now were they?

-

Too much happens all too fast, in a blur of time and terror. Melanie King limps in on Jon acting much too immature (in his defense, Jon Jr is...difficult to resist when he wants kisses), but the worry over whether she’ll ruin his reputation or not is quickly washed away by the cold terror of realizing that Sasha is not Sasha.

Suddenly there’s an axe in his hand and an oddly swirling tabletop in his sights, and then suddenly Tim and Martin are interrupting him mid-swing, Jon Jr nosing around their ankles.

Then they’re surrounded by splinters of wood and the grotesque, distorted yells of the thing that is not Sasha, the thing that was not ever Sasha, and there’s a yellow door, and a thing with too-many-too-long hands holding out for a deal.

And then they’re running.

Martin gets lost, Jon isn’t entirely sure when—was it back in the twisting halls of Michael’s domain, or down in the twisting tunnels of Smirke’s creation? everything is blurring together at edges tinged with fear—

—and then it’s just him, and Tim, and Jon Jr, and the thing that had been, had been wearing his assistant’s life like some sort of costume, and oh. This is it, isn’t it? They’re about to die, aren’t they.

At least Martin will survive to tell their tale, Jon hopes, feeling a rush of remorse at how abruptly and patronizingly he’s treated his poor assistant. He could’ve been—he could’ve been dead and gone, replaced like Sasha, and Jon never would have known. And now—now Jon is the one about to die. Him and Tim.

God, Tim. He doesn’t particularly like Tim. Tim has been satisfactory enough as an assistant, he supposes—had almost been a friend once, back in their research days—and now....

Now they back into a dead end, practically hugging the wall as not!Sasha slowly approaches them with a look of manic glee on its face. And Jon...he wouldn’t wish this on anyone, regardless of how much he does or doesn’t like them. Certainly he wouldn’t wish this end on Tim...even if a small, selfish part of him is glad that he’s not alone in the end.

It’s just him and Tim. Just like it was back with Prentiss.

Mouth falling slightly open, Jon turns towards the man in question—perhaps to weakly comment as such, he isn’t really sure—only to see Jon Jr leaping out of Tim’s arms.

“Junior!” The word is tugged out of him, unbidden. Dammit, he’s grown attached to the rabbit. And dammit, there are tears prickling at the corners of his eyes as the rabbit obliviously makes his way towards the hungry thing that had pretended to be Sasha. Dammit, dammit, dammit.

Only—

Only then, the rabbit isn’t a rabbit.

It happens much too fast for Jon to really get a good glimpse at what their rabbit becomes. But there’s a loud cracking noise, then a monstrous blur of gray and limbs and mouth and teeth, then another crack and then...nothing. Not even not!Sasha remains. Just a smallish white rabbit in the middle of the now-empty tunnel, sitting primly and licking at one paw.

Jon and Tim gape at each other and at the rabbit, but one thing is for certain:

“...We’re keeping the rabbit,” Jon murmurs, light-headed.

“I—yeah.” Tim nods, and he slumps back against the wall and slowly slides down to the floor of the tunnel. A hand reaches out and snags Jon, dragging him down with, and there, leaning against the wall and each other, the two stare at the not-quite-a-rabbit.

“We’re keeping the rabbit.”

The rabbit-but-not-a-rabbit blinks his innocent red eyes up at them before flopping over to rest, and honestly? Jon thinks Junior has rather the right idea there.

-

And so the rabbit is kept, and Jon and Tim stagger out of the tunnels minus one not!Sasha but still with one not!a rabbit.

Come to think of it, they’re still down one Martin as well, which is admittedly worrisome.

Neither Jon nor Tim is exactly keen to go back in the tunnels so soon after escaping certain death within them. Jon has never been the most athletic of people—he’s an academic, he’s supposed to be sitting behind a desk all day, for christ’s sake—and his legs feel like jelly beneath him as they debate over calling the police.

Tim is of the mind that they should call the police, or at least Basira, whom he stubbornly still refers to as Jon’s “girlfriend” (and Jon is much too tired to dispute that at this point). Jon, on the other hand, doesn’t think even section thirty-one officers would listen to “we went into a door a monster created in a wall and we lost our coworker in a maze of endless passageways.”

Thankfully, it turns out that they needn’t have worried, because Martin turns up not too long after, dizzy and dragging two other people behind him.

One of them is a familiar face—Helen Richardson, whom Martin apparently had picked up while stuck in Michael’s spiralling labyrinth, and who seems quite content to latch onto Martin and sit firmly in one spot in the center of the place, refusing to pass through any doorways whatsoever. But the second person is an unfamiliar face—an aging, gray-haired man who seems impeccably polite, incredibly calm, and increasingly out of place among the dinge of the tunnels and Artifact Storage.

Then the man introduces himself as Jurgen Leitner, and Jon nearly drops Jon Jr.

But Jon is much too tired to deal with that in the moment, so when Martin tentatively suggests a slumber party of sorts in the Archives to ease his, Helen’s, and Leitner’s worries all in one, Jon gives in without the fight he normally would put up.

As the others assemble bedding and piles of pillows and cushions pilfered from the library chairs, Jon manages to snag the break room couch once more for himself...and for Jon Jr.

Jon has absolutely no idea what, exactly, he’s supposed to do now. There are clearly bigger things at play here—or, at least, Leitner seemed to think so, from the little he said before Tim shut him up and sent him to bed—but as he watches Jon Jr nibble on a cucumber peel, Jon feels a bit better, at least, knowing that one of those bigger things might at least be on his side.

(Or, well. Hopefully he can bribe mister “bigger thing” with enough carrots to stay on his side. That is yet to be seen.)

Fin

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I just have so many stupid ideas for this ridiculous AU that I couldn’t just let them live in my head...so I might as well scrawl them out and let y’all enjoy them with me, right? (Or you can tell me to shut tf up if these get too dumb or annoying for you asdhjkl)

But yeah, as you can tell, Jon Jr’s presence will be messing around with canon, because I take any and all opportunities for fix-its. I just really miss my boy Tim and also my wife Sasha ok so sue me

Want to chat or be added onto any of my taglists? Shoot me an ask or a message here or via my other social media!

[bi-rising]

Hi, that anon here.

Listen, I wasn't judging you and I didn't mean to offend you. I felt identified with what you posted (cause a couple of years ago I was too depressed and tired of those situations because of my weight) and offered a solution that worked for me. I didn't know you had medical problems, if I had, I wouldn't have told you that. You're right, I shouldn't have assumed anything.

I am truly sorry.

Let me start by saying that I am, very genuinely, grateful for your apology. It takes a lot of courage to admit you were wrong, especially when you were unknowingly harmful, as this message does sound like you are being sincere about it. It means a lot to me that you are willing to own up to your mistakes <3

I'm very happy that you were able to lose weight! I really am. I hope you can see now, though, that just because something works for you, doesn't meant that it works for someone else. And to add to that, it is impossible to know what kind of situations a person is going through or has to deal with by just looking at a photo of an overweight person or hearing someone complain about being fat. I hope you'll be open to listening to me when I say that presuming a person's health, diet, and exercise regiment solely off of their weight (or presumed weight) is one of the base cornerstones of fatphobia which, genuinely, destroys people's confidence, trust, and lives. This isn't me being mean, genuinely, this is me hoping that you now have a better idea of the unseen struggles a lot of overweight people have to go through.

On top of all of that, I also want to apologize. I know that I was very harsh in my reply to you, and I know that I posted some unkind things. I have dealt with fatphobia all of my life to the point that I have done some pretty horrible, terrible things to myself in an effort to lose weight, many of them dangerous and many of them things that should have put me in the hospital. It is extremely difficult to express my annoyance at wanting to find clothes that fit my body, and be told the exact same thing that everyone in my life has always repeated back to me, with various levels of other traumatizing words and behaviors. This is a reason, not an excuse. I definitely should have taken a minute or two before I started to type, bc I am very aware I could have done my usual, which is pull up scientific research and articles from medical professionals and explained my points logically and calmly. I won't say that I totally regret it, because it really did hurt, but I do recognize that I could have gone about that reply in a different way.

Again, thank you for apologizing, and thank you for hopefully coming to a better understanding of how plus sized/overweight/fat people would like to be treated. I can understand wanting to help people, I really do, but I can guarantee that pretty much any advice or comment you make that isn't directly asked for has probably already been said to people like me a hundred times already against our will.

And just a reminder, not just for you, anon, but for everyone: we really are people, just like anyone else, and making our weight out to be a moral failing or a product of our own decisions can really damage our mental--and physical--well being.