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Idk if you guys know this but I live in the south (in USA) right so you sit next to like 70 transphobes a day but here's the thing I want to change my name. I really like the name Elliot however I think if I went around introducing myself as Elliot ppl would easily clock me as trans and I'm not ready for the hardcore harassment that would bring so I was thinking instead I use the name Onyx because it's obscure enough that the average southern transphobe wouldn't immediately grasp what was going on but it was neutral enough to be perceived as masculine by like ppl who are Allys/members of the LGBT+ but now I think about me having to live with the name Onyx even though I don't like it but have less hatred spewed at me or live the name Elliot and live with the things that would probably be said to me (not to mention the possibility it will make me hate the name Elliot) and i cant tell which oke would bring less pain
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I need to vent
#they say anxiety won’t last forever#but when you’ve had chronic anxiety for nearly 3 decades#you aren’t skeptic you’re just realistic I think#I’ve been listening to really good educational podcasts#have tried so many therapists#and throughout all sessions and podcasts I’ve genuinely listened and tried to put principles into practice#but nothing is working#and the persistent anxiety has turned into hopelessness and not wanting to deal with this miserable feeling forever#I don’t want to live each day feeling absolutely horrible#and unable to enjoy life#so idk what to do#becca speaks
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should I stop or sjdhdbdb, don't know whar to do
It’s fine! I just don’t really know what you’re expecting, so um. I end up being awkward. If I knew what to do I’d be able to do it, I think. But if you wanna keep doing it, just be aware that I might be awkward.
#like#idk how to respond#do i echo it?#that’s what i see other people doing with this kind of ask#but like#that doesn’t really feel natural to me#so idk what to do#asks#answered asks#cb answering stuff
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vent post under the cut cause i feel like i will reach tag limit otherwise but i'm so sick of everything. I am so fucking sick of trying my absolute best to do things right and be fucked over by those who do things wrong.
It is so fucking frustrating to be forced to lower yourself to the horrible standars of those who do things wrong, who are assholes or just plain irresponsible. Because if you try to do things correctly, like they're supposed to be done, with kindness and respect, you're labels an idiot, or naive, or they take advantage of you. So you have to be selfish, you have to be disrespectful, you have to be irresponsible, cause otherwise you lose.
And I'm sick of it! I refuse to do things I know are wrong, or to do things in ways I know hurt others! But if I put effort into setting and following my own standars, I get punished! So I literally don't know what to do anymore.
If you're boss is an asshole or just does things wrong, you can't try to fix it cause you're the one that ends up fired. If you do your homework at school and study for tests and do things correctly, you also get punished when the majority of the class didn't, you also end up with no break or with surprise exams... If you wear masks outside because you don't want to get sick or get others sick, you get labels an idiot (and at least in 2020, physically attacked).
I'm tired! I'm done! I hate it so fucking much and there's nothing you can do about it... NOTHING and it's driving me insane!!
#i have a work email now that's eating inside me because i REFUSE to be nice about things that are wrong#i refuse to shut up about it and pretend it's ok#because IT'S NOT!#but then i'm gonna be the one that loses the job i so desperately need#so idk what to do#i can only cry sob and make vent posts on tumblr dot com#so here it is lol#angel talks#personal
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I don't think the anxiety meds are helping shit tbh
#cicadas vent tag#i still feel so scared and like shit#i dont know ifbtheres sometuing more in my head or what#the meds are also antidepressants so if thats what it is. i should still be getting better#and no matter hownoften i get coddled about this the feeling doesnt go away#and i cant talk about it here . and its too personal for the ventpilledoversharers#so idk what to do
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i have GOT to stop eating things i'm allergic to these foods are not giving me energy all they're doing is making my tummy hurt
#allergic to eggs and gluten#but i had ramen like 6 times in the last week#the pms cravings got my ass#also allergic to vanilla and beans and pineapple and a handful of other things#it wont kill me but the fatigue and stomach pain really isnt worth#not to mention the nausea#i wonder sometimes if i don't have crohns disease at all and just have these food allergies#bc my endoscopy only showed mild inflammation#technically i have microscopic/indeterminate colitis but if untreated it evolves into crohns or uc#and so based on my symptoms they call it crohns and are treating it as crohns#anyway since the inflammation was on the microscopic level it's entirely possible that it's just food allergies#which is still autoimmune mind you#but has a much easier treatment than crohns does#and i've noticed since i stopped gaffing abt my diet again my stomach hurts im having diarrhea im nauseous#hell my joints and head hurt again too#BUT i also havent been taking my meds so idk#i should talk to my doctor but i dont like him#so idk what to do#it's whatever
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my boyfriend really went to sleep mad bc i was on character ai calling the lore bot “my king”
and then woke me up at 3am to complain he was hungry
when i suggested he make himself some mashed potatoes or pasta or something
he proceeded to get angry with me and say i was stupid for even suggesting such a thing (he wanted the cash from my wallet so he could get a burger and i told him no bc its like our last $10)
how do you break up with somebody who lives in your home? like knowing they have fuck all places to go without you?
how do you doing that without feeling like a complete POS? bc i needs to happen but i care too fucking much
#i love him and it makes him getting angry with me ten times worse#i really wish he would stop#but he won’t#so idk what to do#i have no support system here#its not like i have anywhere to go either#fuck#vent#spookysh.txt
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new hyperfixtion dropped
#rambles#so I'm watching masterchef again#like old episodes so don't @ me#I started last summer and watched 2 seasons#so to counter balance the n2n depression I started again#and I got obsessed with this one woman from season 4#and I finished the season so I was finally able to google her#and she's gay#she has a wife now#NO WONDER I gravitated towards her#anyway yeah so now I'm like hhhhhh but I already watched her whole season#so idk what to do#I think she's in the return season later but#oooooooooo
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tryna figure out if i should read ralvez or stonathan..
#i love stonathan#i was so obsessed with it a few summers ago#I'd stay untill like..#3am#to..#7am#reading fanfic#it was a problem#but i also love ralvez#so idk what to do#𖤐 rambles#criminal minds#spencer reid#luke alvez#ralvez#stranger things#steve harrington#jonathan byers#stonathan
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Anyone wanna show off some dragons? I'm extremely stressed rn and would love to see them but probably won't respond
#fr#flightrising#dragon share#a tree just fell through my house#and no one is hurt but its ruined#so idk what to do
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Fuckfuckfuckfuck had some drinks and I feel good but now the need for cuddles has tripled wahhhhh
#txt#and my friend msgd the groupchat (theres 3 of us including me) asking for a sleepover#and like im keen#but not before we sort out our shit#ive told her 3 times that i need her to make more effort for me#so i cant just fall back into a normal friendship#i need to have a proper convo with her about how i feel in person#before we have a nice sleepover#so idk what to do#wah#dont want to lose her and i dont plan to#just needs work on her end#but shes going through so much i just dont quite know how to handle it at this point
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Personal statement writing to so hard. How do I explain my love for my subject in words alone? Without jumping up and down with glee and whimsy?? How???
#says the English student#hhhhh the course I want to study has a load on linguistics in it#but it’s advertised like a mainly literature course#so idk what to do#how do I yap about linguistics without seeming like I don’t understand the course#h#studyblr#personal statement#writing personal statement
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i guess i am just never going to get a new car 👍🏻 very cool 👍🏻👍🏻👍🏻👍🏻👍🏻👍🏻
#i’m so frustrated rn :’)#why is literally everything in my life falling apart rn !!!#and i can’t find solutions so im asking for help#and then no one will help me#so idk what to do#and then everyone gets mad at me for not having solved anything#then!! help me !!!!#for once! can someone help ME for once !!!#snow.txt
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,,
#my mom just got like super upset....#and she started talking about how sick she is of all of this#and that she wont care anymore#so when she gets an apartment she'll move and she doesnt care what we do.....#so like ummmmm#now im super fkn anxious bc i've never though she'd actually let me end up homeless#but ig she's being pushed further and further to the breaking point so now she would#idk im even considering to contact my dad and grandma like just in case#i havent talked to my dad in years... and he's a selfish prick i doubt he'd let me live with him. but maybe if i guilt him plus tell him i#miss him and stuff. maybe my grandma would?#idk they arent exactly kind helping ppl. they'd def let me be homeless#idk im just so stressed now bc i have NO ONE#my mom is all i have#i dont have any friends or anything that would help me#so idk what to do#im so stressed now i have to like??#i just have to finish high school and apply to university and then i can get a student apartment#fuckkkk i didnt think it could get this bad?#what am i gonna do bruvvvv#🙃🙃🙃🙃🙃🙃
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im scared if somethings gonna happen to tumblr :( i dont know where else to go to find my mutuals
#wishy speaks#i refuse to use twitter and id imagine a lot of my mutuals feel the same#so idk what to do#maybe a mastodon instance?
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me trying to fill my devoid neymessi heart with other duos but literally no one compares to them so then i just get more sad🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣😭😭😭😭
#send help over here#like i think im currently in the denial and acceptance stage simultaneously#so idk what to do#cara’s ranty rambles
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