#STOP THINKING ABOUT STUART LITTLE. IT'S NOT RELEVANT.

[unpretty]

earlier today andrew was like, "hey, check this out" and turned their phone around to show me an image of a pair of dreamworks eyebrow sunglasses before swiping to show me another image of the sunglasses and bask in my horror

but the pictures were on tumblr and they accidentally swiped the wrong direction in the image viewer

so from my perspective what happened was that andrew was like, "hey, check this out" and turned their phone around to show me an image of a pair of dreamworks eyebrow sunglasses before swiping dramatically to reveal an unrelated image of stuart little, watching me expectantly for a reaction that never came

[iqueenlost]

Part 3/5 of my Andreil fake dating au

Check Part 1 Part 2

Buckle up guys!

@dreamerthinker @folkit @lalalaets @julesghouls98 @tesadoraofphaedra @objectifymecaptain @holyshitthatsilegal @ourshadowstars @bumpingbees @madrasiiuvu @lillyndra @themundanemudperson

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In anticipation for the date he planned to take Andrew Neil didn't have a good night of sleep. Too much energy coursing through his body begging to be let out. So as soon as the sun began to peek on the horizon Neil got up and went on a run, hoping that it would make him less jumpy until Andrew was ready to get up. He planned to let him sleep in and rest from all the long nights he pulled in the last month. 

 After running almost the double of miles he usually did in the mornings and still having not wasted half of his energy, he stopped at the cat cafe to kill time until it was close enough to a reasonable hour to get Andrew out of bed. When it was almost nine he began to make his way back to the apartment after buying Andrew his favorite heart attack inducing cocotion.

The apartment was silent and dark and Andrew was still asleep when he stumbled in a few minutes later, so he busied himself with showering and having breakfast. He had just put on some music at a low volume and was scrolling through his social media for a while, checking what his friends and students were up to, when his phone rang. 

“Shit, shit, shit.” Neil chanted while trying to pick up the call or just turn off the damn sound before Andrew woke up with all the noise. 

Uncle Stuart's name read on the screen. “Why are you calling so early?” Neil asked when he finally picked it up.

“Oh, I thought I would check on you. As I always do. On every Saturday. It’s not like you dont wake before sunrise anyway.” He said, sarcasm dripping from his rasping voice.

“Andrew’s sleeping.” Neil said in a hushed tone, as if he spoke in a normal volume Andrew would wake up, even though his room was on the far end of the corridor and the farthest from the kitchen.

“Are you in his bed perhaps?” Stuart wondered.

“What?” Neil squeaked, heat tracking down his neck. Just what the heck was Stuart thinking? “Of course not.”

“Of course,” He repeated dully. “Then it doesn't have any relevance.”

Neil clicked his tongue, his finger tapping on the counter in annoyance. “Good to know you’re still an arse.”

“It’s genetic, as you may know.”

That seemed in fact to be the case, Neil couldn't count the times he had relished in being difficult just for the sake of being difficult, and Stuart was one of his preferred victims. 

“I hate you.” Neil said, without any heat in his tone.

From the other side Stuart sighed and Neil heard a door opening and closing.

“So you have said, multiple times. It’s almost like being back in time.”

“Did you want anything or just be a pain in the ass?” He asked as he crossed his arms, a frown settling between his brows.

“A little respect would be good.”

“Sorry, we’re out of those.” He smirked.

Stuart sighed and Neil smirk transformed into a full-fledged smile.

“Anyway, Lisa wants to know if you are coming for Christmas.”

Lisa was Uncle Stuart’s platonic life partner, they have been living together since Neil’s senior year. They had met when Stuart traveled to Australia for a work conference and instantly hit it off. They were the closest thing to soulmates Neil had ever seen and the fact that they didn't need to have a sexual relationship to be happy together had once been a comfort to Neil.

“Christmas’ still weeks away.” Neil voiced in doubt.

“You know her and her infatuation with the damn holiday.” Neil could almost see the frown on Stuart's face from his tone. For all his grouchiness about Christmas, or any other holiday for that matter, he always went along with whatever Lisa wanted to do.

“Tell her I have to check with Andrew.”

Andrew used to go to England with Neil instead of spending the holiday with his brother as Aaron spent Christmas with Katelyn's family. It had started before Nick moved back from Germany with Eric, so it was convenient for Andrew to make the trip down to Germany and spend the New Year with them. The last two years though since Nick had come back Andrew opted for not going and Neil had been a little less excited to visit Stuart and spent weeks away from him.

“You do know you can come without him, right? It’s you she wants to fawn over, not him.”

“I know–”

“Your codependency is getting worse and worse,” Stuart interrupted. “And you haven’t even won him over yet”

“I’m hanging up.” Neil announced, suddenly annoyed with the conversation.

He heard Stuart clicking his tongue as he complained. “It’s like you don’t even respect me anymore.”

“Never really did, it shouldn’t be a surprise.” Neil sassed back.

“Bog off, you pratt.” He said, hanging up himself and Neil laughed.

Sometimes he really missed Stuart, even though when Stuart chose to go back to England in Neil’s sophomore year of college Neil had felt like he was gaining freedom. Stuart tended to worry and hover too much about him after they found their foot on their relationship and became closer. It had taken some time but by the time Neil was seventeen he and Uncle Stuart had developed a special bond. Neil was grateful Stuart had chosen to take him instead of dropping him in the foster system, even though he had to uproot his life in England to take care of him. Neil knew he would not have the life he had now had Stuart made a different choice back then. He would never have met Andrew or his other friends. He couldn't imagine the path his life would have taken then.

He got up to put his plate on the sink when Andrew’s voice came from behind him, making him jump a little. “You Uncle?”

Neil turned back smiling brightly at him. “You up! I thought you would sleep in today.”

“Uhm.” Andrew hummed before going for the coffee machine.

“I brought you coffee.” Neil pointed to the to-go cup on the counter. “Or should I call it dessert.” He grinned.

Andrew made a gimme gesture opening and closing his hand. He looked soft, having just woken up, with hair sticking up in all directions, eyes only half open and a sleep line running down his left cheek.

Neil could feel that he was smiling as he observed the softness on Andrew’s face and marveled at the domesticity of their life. A few years ago when they met –Neil had just moved to Palmetto and started his sophomore year– if someone had told him he would fall in love with Andrew he would’ve laughed hard at them. At that time Neil could see no light in sight. Even one year after the trial his father’s shadow still blocked every little speck of light from reaching him and the fact that his mother casted him aside and fled their nightmare without him was still a oozing infected wound in his chest impeding him from ever thinking of trusting someone again. To this day he still didn't know where she was and deep down he hoped she would never return, there was some hurt that time couldn’t heal.

He felt the smile on his face slip away at the prick of pain that shot to his heart. Andrew took a step in Neil's direction, gaze locked on him as he placed his now empty cup on the counter beside Neil “What is wrong?” He asked in a concerned tone that no one but Neil would have been able to perceive.

There it was again, Andrew superpower was his ability to read Neil microexpression. “Nothing, just thinking.” Neil smiled sadly. “About how time flies, it seems like it was yesterday you were threatening to kick me down the school’s roof.”

That’s where they met for the first time. Neil hiding from everyone and from his hurt and Andrew skipping a class he thought was dreadful to smoke on the roof.

Andrew's nose wrinkled. “Don't get sentimental on me.”

“Oh, you know me. Love to reminisce.” Neil smiled wide at him. “Breakfast?” He changed the subject as he walked to the fridge. “We need to go grocery shopping sometime soon, can you on Monday? I have classes only in the morning.”

“Dick Dylan gave me a three-days’ leave, so I’m back only on Thursday.”

Dick Dylan, who was actually named Richard Dylan O'Connell, was what Andrew called his boss, the district attorney. They had started with the wrong foot when Andrew first got the job but although they now had a decent work relationship the nickname stuck.

“That's good,” Neil said. “Scrambled eggs?” He asked, already taking the egg carton out and looking back to see Andrews nod.

They worked together  like a well oiled machine to make Andrew’s breakfast as Neil had already eaten. Afterwards they moved it plus armfuls of snacks and Andrew’s favorite flavor of ice cream to the living room to watch tv for the next few hours.

Neil dropped to the couch and put his feet on the coffee table getting comfortable. “What are we watching?” He asked as he turned the TV on with the remote. For his delight Andrew chose to sit right beside him instead of moving to the end of the couch.

“Anime,” was Andrew's response so Neil chose a random anime from the most watched list from their streaming platform.

That was how they spent most weekends that Andrew didn't have to work. Jumping from show to show until they found something binge worthy that led to hours in front of the TV. But today Neil had a plan. First he had to flirt with Andrew and then convince him to go on a date. So, even though he felt like a teenager, half way through the second episode of the bloody ghost horror anime they had landed on he stretched his arms out and put it on the backrest of the couch being careful to not touch Andrew as he gauged at his reaction.

Neil’s heart said goodbye to life when Andrew glanced at him for a minute before adjusting his position so he was now leaning a little into Neil’s arm, almost cuddling. He had to remind himself that he had been this close to Andrew before and that just because he was feeling different about it, it didn’t necessarily mean Andrew did as well.

Over the years Andrew had become more and more comfortable with touch. He still had days where he couldn't stand the feeling of someone close to him let alone putting their hands on his body, but there were days where he accepted a pat on the shoulder from Aaron or hugs from Nicly, Renee and Bee. Neil was in another whole category, Neil was the only person Andrew ever let lay down next to him without moving away.

Sometimes Neil felt guilty, Andrew trusted him enough to let his guard down with him yet every time he did Neil thought about touching him or kissing him. Someday Neil felt dirty that he would even think of that while knowing everything Andrew went through, that he would even think of that when Andrew had no idea what he was imagining in his messed up mind. Although he would never hurt Andrew and he always asked if Andrew was okay when he touched him, he still felt guilty. He tried telling himself that it was different. He loved Andrew, always had and always would, his feelings for him went above just lust or sexual attraction. He was pretty sure he only desired Andrew because he loved him. So he asked every time he wanted to take and never took what Andrew couldn't give him. That’s why he needed to confess, to see if Andrew also wanted him. Whatever Andrew wanted he would give without a second thought even if what he wanted was for Neil to go away.

“Can I touch your hair?” He asked when the credits of the episode rolled up. When Andrew looked up at him blankly he spoke again. “Yes or no, Andrew?”

“Yes.” Andrew breathed, voice so small and unlike his unapologetic and monotone way of speaking. As if he also felt the pent up tension in the air. As if he also was bracing himself for what it all could mean. Neil asked himself if it was possible that Andrew finally catched up to what was really going on here.

Time seemed to slow down and the air between them crackled with electricity as Neil moved the arm around Andrew’s shoulder so he could slip his fingers into Andrew’s soft hair. Neil felt Andrew shudder when his fingernails scratched very lightly at his scalp. The whole time Andrew’s never strayed from Neil’s. His intense golden eyes piercing through Neil as if he was reading Neil’s soul and figuring out all his secrets. After years of being invisible and overlooked, being known had an addictive thrill to it.

The loud opening music from the anime startled them out of the moment they were having and Andrew gaze moved back to the TV where it stayed glued to the screen. Neil bit down on his lower lip to avoid laughing out loud but his finger never stopped moving, feeling up and down the length of the locks on the top of Andrew’s head.

They watched two more episodes while Neil continued fondling Andrew’s hair, before Neil finally proposed the idea to Andrew. “We’re going out today.” He said, barely containing his enthusiasm. “On a date.”

“Why would we?” Andrew asked, looking extremely cozy in his nest of blankets and cushions and head now fully placed on Neil’s shoulder. He had to turn his head to look up at Neil’s eyes. Their faces were close enough that if Neil bent his head a little their lips would touch.

“Because our friends are coming for dinner and we have to act like a couple so we should do coupley things,  like a date.” He said innocently, even when his mind supplied him with the memory of Allison telling him that the two of them already acted like a married couple.

But that wasn’t relevant now, today he would blow Andrew’s mind with an unforgettable date that would ruin all other dates for Andrew, making him completely captivated by only Neil and no one else. Then his only choice would be to date Neil. Bold statement, Neil was aware of it, but what he lacked in experience he made up in determination.

“That doesn't make any sense, and they’re your friends.” Andrew rebutted, sadly moving away from Neil's embrace.

“Renee’s coming,” He pointed out.  “And she’s been your friend and sparring buddy long before I even joined the group.”

“I still see no correlation.” Andrew stated seriously and a small smile blossomed on Neil’s lips. Renee was the only one Andrew never denied being friends with. It was cute actually, the bond between them.

“We’re going," Neil insisted, hitting Andrew with the best puppy eyes he could muster. “We can have breakfast food for lunch or a dessert feast, just like when we were in college.”

Andrew looked at him in silence before sighing. “You're paying.”

“Of course.” Neil grinned. “What kind of date would I be if I didn’t. I let you know I was raised right.”

He hadn’t and Andrew knew that but what was important was that he had a whole plan thought out, starting with lunch at a nice bistro that had opened recently and looked really good when he passed it on the way to work. It was right next to a used bookstore that was obscure enough that it would probably be almost empty and allow them to browse for books in peace after lunch. Then they would walk to a roller rink, where Neil would teach Andrew how to roller skate. It would be the perfect opportunity to get close and touch him without making Andrew uncomfortable. It was also a good opportunity to get Andrew to maybe kiss him. It was going to be perfect and by the end of the day Andrew and him would be a true couple.

— — —

The truth was that things started to deviate from the plan the moment Andrew and Neil arrived at the bistro. Trip there was good, they talked and listened to Andrew emo rock road trip playlist, Andrew even sang along to the lyrics with Neil.  But when they were just about to enter the bistro a voice called out for Neil. “Yo, Mr. Josten.” The boy –that Neil recognized as being Ajax– hurrying over to them said cheerily. “Yo, Mr. Josten’s friend.” He added nodding at Andrew.

Neil did not want to meet some from school right now, in fact it was the last thing that he wanted to happen that day.

“Ajax.” Neil said flatly, sending dagger Ajax’s way in hope he would get the memo and scram.

The little shit grinned with an evil glint in his eyes. Neil was sure he got the memo and didn't leave just to annoy him. “Are you guys going in? Can I join you guys? I haven’t eaten yet and I’m hungry.” He circled his arms over his belly dramatically.

Andrew shrugged and went into the bistro. Ajax sent Neil a little wink before following him in. Neil pinched the bridge of his nose, a vein pulsing in his temple. What the hell? He was sure some entity in hell was laughing at him right now but in the end Neil had no other choice but enter the bistro following behind Ajax and Andrew.

Neil had passed this bistro numerous times and always thought it looked good from the outside.  As for the inside, the first thing he noticed when he entered was that the place was really nice, with warm light wood flooring, cushioned chairs and cabinets in a mint color, dark wood tables and a lot of plants distributed throughout the space. The window that faced the street had tall windows that let in natural light. Neil didn’t know much about decor but he liked the homey feeling of this place.

Andrew chose a table with four chairs on the far end of the room beside one of the windows and Ajax sat down on the chair on Andrew's left, backing the rest of the restaurant, so Neil chose to sit on the chair directly in front of Andrew.

He turned to Ajax as soon as he was seated trying his best to not sound too grump. “What are you doing here?”

“My father was supposed to spend the day with me but he left half-way through brunch because Tara called and said Eli didn’t feel so good. It’s probably a lie because she doesn’t like him spending time with us. I mean, me specifically, I look too much like my mother for her liking. 

Neil never met or saw a photo of Ajax's mother, she’d died when Ajax was seven and apparently his dad burned everything she owned and every photo in a fit of grief-stricken anger –at least that's what Jason had info dumped on Neil in the beginning of the school year. It was a fact though that Ajax was very different from the rest of his blonde-haired, green-eyed family. Ajax's hair was a mess of oak brown curls on top of his head and his baby blue eyes always looked bright with amusement, even when he was feeling down. His sharp features were all angles and almost no softness, making him look like a mischievous elf.

He was shorter than Neil, about Andrew height but Neil could tell he had some growing up to do. He was ready to bet that next year Ajax would go through a growth spurt and come back to school much taller than Neil, it was all in the hands and feet, that were disproportionately large for his small body.

Neil cleaned his throat not knowing the appropriate way of reacting. If this was about one of his friends he could shit talk the other party to his heart's content but Ajax was his student. He couldn’t very well talk like that about his students' parents even though some of them deserved it, so he chose to change the subject. “Ajax, this is Andrew.”

Ajax turned to observe Andrew with sharp eyes. “You the guy that picked up Mr. Josten yesterday.”

“Very observant of you.” Andrew replied and Ajax narrowed his eyes trying to determine if Andrew was mocking him.

“How do you know Mr. Josten?”

“From high school.”

“Are you a teacher as well? Don't look like it.”

“From when he was in high school.” Andrew clarified. “And what does a teacher look like?”

“Wow! That's ages ago.” Neil did not appreciate the jab, he was 26, that was hardly old. “ And I don't know, boring?” Ajax shrugged.

“Hey!” Neil exclaimed, offended. First old and now boring? He did not look boring, not at all.

Andrew smirked a little. “Well, thank you.”

“So…” The boy asked as he placed his elbow on the table. “What do you do?”

“Is this 20 questions?” Neil was close to having an aneurysm. He glared at Ajax, forgetting that he had sympathized with him a moment ago, and begged the boy to take a hint in his mind. “And if yes it should be me asking, as this is my date.

“This is a date? I couldn’t tell.” He directed big, innocent doe eyes at them.

“Do you enjoy annoying me?” By the glint on Ajax's eyes Neil was pretty sure the answer was yes.

“I just surprised you interested in dating.” He turned back to Andrew as he explained. “When the year had just started a few girls asked Mr. Josten if he had a girlfriend. When he said no they asked if he had a boyfriend e do you know what he said?” Ajax inclined over the table top in Andrew’s direction with an eager expression, as if confiding a secret.

“Do tell me.” Andrew said and Ajax paused, unsure if he was really interested in hearing the story. It was clear Andrew's monotone was confusing to him, but still he wouldn’t pass the chance to make fun of Neil. Maybe Neil should be more distant with his students but he enjoyed being the favorite teacher even though the least liked teacher most often than not was the one that taught math. He liked being a contradiction.

“He said he didn’t swing.” Ajax laughed. “Do you believe it? I could hear their heart breaking”

“He’s been saying that for years.” 

“Why did you even agree to go on a date with him?” He pointed at Neil with his head as if he couldn't fathom why Andrew would want to.

“He accosted me while we watched anime.” Andrew replied and Ajax nodded in understanding. He was just about to say something else when the waitress reached their table to take their order.

“My name’s Jenny and I will be your waitress for today. What can I get you guys?” She asked in a cheerful way and with a pleasant smile. 

She turned slightly to Neil and she presented him with the menu along with a bat of her eyes but Neil didn't give her a second look and immediately passed the menu on to Andrew, who arched a brow at the situation before taking it

“Can you order something for us?” He asked before looking at Ajax. “Ajax, can I talk to you for a minute?”

Neil then led Ajax to a corner of the bistro close to the entrance. “Ajax, I like you a lot, kid, but God help me if you don't go away I’ll make sure you don't graduate from high school forever. I’m trying to do something here.”

“Relax, Mr. Josten. I didn’t intend to really crash your date with Loverboy anyway, I was just having some fun getting under your skin.

“Good, bye then.” Neil turned to go back to his and Andrew’s table but Ajax spoke again. “Make sure to say only good things to Jason at the next teacher-parents meeting. No bullying stuff to be mentioned.”

Neil made a face but at Ajax’s arched eyebrow he nodded. It would depend on what the other kids were doing to Ajax when the time came. He was alway a liar at heart anyway, one more one less wouldn't make a difference at this point, so he promised away.

When he returned to the table Andrew glanced up from the menu. “You didn't need to send him away. It’s not like this is a real date.”

It hurt a little that Andrew was shrugging off every one of Neil's hints and not seeing this as a real date. Neil didn't know if Andrew was just that oblivious or if this was his way of letting Neil down gently. Was he not being clear enough that he wanted Andrew in his pants? Better yet that he wanted Andrew’s heart because his heart had beaten only for Andrew’s for years now?

Neil forced a laugh before saying. “Ajax is a great kid, but I’m not sure how to act when I meet students out of school. Besides, this is our test drive.”

“Test drive?” Andrew arched an eyebrow at that.

“Yes, if we convince everyone we meet that we are a couple we can convince our friends too.”

“That’s a flawed logic.” Andrew pointed out. “Our friends have known us for years. Those people don’t know how we usually act.”

Neil gave Andrew his brightest smile. “Our friends,” he emphasized. “Thought we were a couple for years.”

Andrew's eyes narrowed and he crossed his arm, leaning back on the chair as he observed Neil like he was the weirdest creature on the planet. “Then what is the point of today?”

“You’ll know soon enough. Now, what did you order? Are we doing breakfast at lunch, just dessert or what?”

In the end they did not order breakfast food but had pasta instead, along with half the dessert menu. When they were getting ready to leave another unpredictable situation arose. Their waitress, who Neil had not given much thought to during their time there, thought it was a good idea to hit on Neil when he was clearly on a date.

They were preparing to leave and Neil had waived to her so she could bring them their bill when she passed him a note with her phone number and a kiss mark to him instead. “Call me if you want to have fun sometime?” She drawled out in what Neil thought was an attempt at a sultry voice. A poor one at that, 0 out 10. Not attractive at all.

He gave her a polite closed lip smile before saying as he nodded his head at Andrew. “I don't think my boyfriend would like that very much.”

“Oh, I'm not jealous, your boy can come too.” She chuckled lightly at her own joke as her hand went up to Neil’s arms and stroked it. Neil faltered at her lack of senses before he tried to shrink away from her touch. Yeah, Neil would not be coming back to this restaurant. Which was a pity, he’d liked the ambience and the food had been really good but staff that didn't get boundaries was a turn off.

 Andrew's face got dark the second the blonde waitress put her hands on Neil and he slammed his fist at the table, growling when the waitress looked back at him with wide eyes. She was trembling, Neil noticed.

“I suggest you keep your hands to yourself if you don’t want to lose it.” He threatened. His expression was so vicious that he looked like an avenging angel passing on due judgment to an insignificant mortal. That Neil could attest was a turn on.

“We would like the check now.” Neil informed the spooked waitress, he couldn't even remember her name. “If she acts like this with everyone who comes here for a date she’s not getting much tips.” He said out loud when she went away at an admirable speed.

“Don’t act like you dont have a mirror at home.” Andrew said evenly, the cold anger in his eyes slowly disappearing.

“Is that your way of saying you think I'm pretty?” Neil asked, batting his eyelashes at Andrew . “Well, thank you, love.”

“Lets get the fuck out of here before I get indigestion.” He changed the subject without denying, which made Neil immensely happy.

— — — 

After leaving the bisto they moved to the bookstore next door, that part of the date unfolded like Neil expected at least. The bookstore was almost empty and they spent their time there browsing the shelves and reading while laying on one of the couches. In the end Andrew brought six books and Neil found two books that looked interessant so wrote down the titles so he could buy the audiobooks as he hardly had the patience for reading but liked hearing the stories while he was running or working out at the gym.

“What did you buy?” He asked Andrew when they walked out of the store.

“Two thrillers, one fantasy book, one horror comic and two books about legal matters regarding child and family law.”

When they reached the parking lot they stopped by the maserati so Andrew could throw in the paper bag with his new books before continuing to walk to their next location as it was close enough. Neil looked at Andrew's hand intensely until Andrew sighed and offered it up to him. Neil smiled softly and held Andrew’s hand.

“I thought you weren't interested in child and family law.” Neil commented.

“Bee offered me a job at her non-profit.” He said. “It would be a step down in terms of pay, but–” He cut himself with a sigh. Neil could tell he was feeling conflicted about it.

Andrew had told Neil about Betsy's non-profit. She had always been involved in some kind of charity but last year she had begun her own dedicated to helping abused kids and or parents. They offered free counseling and basic medical help, legal counsel and shelter to those who found themself in need.

“Are you sure you want to work there?” Neil asked in concern and Andrew scowled at him. “I’m serious Andrew, this last month was difficult, with Georgie case and everything. Working at Betsy’s non-profit would put you in constant contact with children in home situations like that.”

“It’s a good cause,” was all he said, eyes casted down so Neil wouldn't get a good read at them. But Neil knew how to read Andrew even if he was avoiding his eyes.

“I know, and I think the work she’s doing is admirable –Hell, I was a kid in a difficult home situation once– but you have to think what is best for you. Can you cope with it without it triggering you, hurting you? It’s not the time to be altruistic at the expense of yourself. You taught me that.”

“It would be good if I were to foster in the future.” He uttered.

Neil was so shocked by that statement that he tripped on his feet and would have fallen if Andrew hadn't pulled him back by the grip he had on Neil’s hand.

Neil looked at Andrew with wide eyes, mouth hanging up. “You want to foster?” He gulped while he waited for Andrew to responde. This had never been something Andrew had remotely alluded to before.

“I thought about it. I don't know if I could with– with my record, but hell if I know. People of worse history have become foster parents before.”

“You would be great at it, I'm sure.” Neil squeezed his hand. “You have alway been a caregiver.”

Andrew scoffed but said nothing more.

They walked in silence for a little before Neil spoke again, “I’m going to support you in whatever you decide, you know that, right?” Andrew hummed. “I meant it Andrew, I'm here and I'm not going away, as long as you want me here.”

Andrew looked down to their hands clasped together before nodding. Neil directed him a smile, hoping it would convey everything he couldn't say yet. He even allowed himself to imagine a life where he and Andrew foster or adopted together. He loved Stuart and was immensely grateful for him but the time he spent in his care wasn't what he could call home, even when Lisa had come along. And Neil desperately wanted it, deep down he knew he wanted the picket fence dream, and he wanted it with Andrew. That thought made him even more determined to end this date on a high note.

He had high hopes when he walked into their last location, the roller rink. The place was new, only about six months since the it’s inauguration. He had heard about it from a few people and Allison and Renee had a date there that Alisson described as one of their best ones yet. Neil waggered it would be a good place for their date, with good activities to do together, good junk food, and good music. It had few points that could be counted as a con. 

As soon as Neil walked in he was hit with the smell of buttered popcorn and cotton candy that brought Neil back to the time he skipped summer school class to go to the amusement park with Andrew before Andrew went  on his university tour trip with Aaron and Katelyn. They were going to visit about six schools even though they most probably would go to USC. At that time he was about to begin his junior year, but he was determined to graduate early so he could join Andrew’s college the next year.

Neil, Aaron, Katelyn, Andrew and Kevin had decided to spend the day there before they all left on the next day. It would have been almost like a double date if it wasn't for Kevin. Back then he had spent half the time angry and jealous of Andrew and Kevin's relationship even though it was clear they were just friends. The second half was better as he convinced Andrew to slip away to go to a haunted house and lose the rest of them.

“Doesn't this remind you of that time we went to the amusement park?” He tugged at Andrew's hand, aiming a cheeky smile at him.

“The one you spent half the time arguing with Kevin.”

“What can I say, he was a pain in the ass back then.”

“This implies he isn't one now.” 

Neil rolled his eyes at that and pointed to the counter next to the entrance. “Do you want to get us the skates?”

Andrew shrugged but walked over to the counter fishing his wallet from his tight skinny jeans’ pocket. Neil observed him go and tried to calm down a bit, now he needed courage and mentally prepared for what he needed to do. He was going to ask if Andrew wanted to kiss him any moment now.

“Oh, Mr. Josten,” A voice called out for him and Neil sighed. Please God, not now, he pleaded, but when he turned a middle aged woman stood in front of him. “ What a surprise to see you here.” 

“Because us teachers never leave the school.” Neil mumbled under his breath, annoyed to meet yet another person who knows him. Is it too much to ask for people to pretend they don't know teachers when they see them in a social setting off school?

“What did you say?” She asked, oblivious to his annoyance.

“Nothing, it’s good to see you Mrs. Johnson. How is your husband? And Kate?”

“Good, good, just there, on the rink.” She pointed to the man in the red long sleeve jersey that could barely stand up in the skates and the teenage girl that was trying to hold him up in the midst of a laughing fit. “Too much of an adventure for me, you see. I could never.” She let out a high pitched giggle that went straight to Neil’s brain and caused a headache to begin to form. “Is this a friend of yours?” She pointed at Andrew who had returned to Neil's side with their skates frowning in judgment.

Off work Andrew was very different from his put together work look. He was wearing black skinny jeans with rips on both knees, a tight black short sleeve t-shirt and black combat boots. The tattoos on his forearms peeked out from beneath his black armbands, a pop of red from one of the roses, the only color on him aside from the strands of mussed light blond hair he didn’t bother to comb that morning after Neil’s finger had made it even more of a mess. He had also put on his many earrings, plus the black eyebrow piercing that stood out so much more due to the contrast with his blonde brows.

“You could say that,” Neil paused dramatically. “We’re roommates.” He snickered a little, almost a giggle, and raised an eyebrow at her but Mrs. Johnson didn't get the joke. Not a fan of bl fiction apparently.

Andrew rolled his eyes at Neil’s antics and didn't bother even saying anything to Mrs. Johnson. “Here your death-on-wheels.” He said passing one of the skates to Neil.

Neil directed another fake smile at Mrs. Johnson, who still observed them confused. “It was great seeing you, Mrs. Johnson, but we’re going to adventure ourselves on the rink.” With that he offered his hand to Andrew who after shrugging took it in his.

“Thank God you came back.” Neil said in a hushed tone. “It’s the second time we meet someone I know from school today. We should have snuggled on the couch and watched tv instead, at least it would be just the two of us.”

Neil was beginning to develop a hatred for small towns. They encountered someone at every corner. They stopped briefly at the entrance of the rink to put on their skates before joining the crowd, Neil taking to it with graceful ease and Andrew unsteadily managing to balance himself.

“Remember me, why the hell did I agree to do this?” He grunted.

“Because you think I'm charming.” Neil was starting to believe it to be true as Andrew alway went along with his crazy ideas. 

“You’ll be the death of me, Josten.” He grumbled and held tight to Neil’s forearms as his legs threatened to give out on him.

“Come on. Hold on to me and everything’ll be fine.”

“I hate you.”

“You know, you've been saying that for years and I believe it less and less.” Neil chuckled.

 “I’ll kill you in your sleep someday.” He threatened.

Neil’s brows went up and down in a suggestive way. “It would be easier if we divided a bed together.”

“Not happening.” Andrew scoffed at Neil.

“Don't knock it till you try it.” Neil said, bring Andrew closer to him. “Maybe sleeping with me is just what’s been missing from your life.” He whispered softly against Andrew’s hair.

“Can you shut up and keep us from falling and cracking our heads?” Andrew's voice came out rough and Neil's stomach made a cartwheel, a giddy smile rising in his face.

“Don’t worry if you fall I’ll catch you or fall with you. I’ve heard that falling together it's the best feeling.” Cheesy, Neil knew it but he couldn't stop now.

“What has got into you lately?” Andrew frowned and tried to move away to look at Neil’s face but when his skates started to slip and he almost lost balance he clanged to Neil again. “You been talking nonsense all your life but this is a new level even for you”

“I have never been more aware of what I say, Andrew. Every little word I'm saying right now means something and I would appreciate it if you pieced it together. But now put your hand on my waist.”

“Sorry, what?”

“Come on, we’re dancing, now pull me close like you meant it. Hold tight to me, darling.” He winked.

“There are parents here.” Andrew declared flatly. “And I sure as hell am not dancing on these things.” he motioned to the rollers.”

“So? It’s not like just because I’m a teacher I can’t have a personal life. If I want to dance in public with my boyfriend I can very well do that and screw what everyone else thinks. 

“But I’m not,” he said evenly. “Truly your boyfriend.”

“For now I’m saying you are. You can act like that whenever you want, you can even kiss me.”

“That’s not funny, Neil.” Andrew's face grew cold as he peered at Neil.

“I thought we had already established that I don't have a sense of humor.”

“This fact becomes more and more evident.” He said, before mumbling so low that Neil almost didn't catch what he said. “Just like you becoming more and more cruel.”

Neil faltered for a moment. He couldn't understand what Andrew meant so he asked, “What does that mean?”

“Nothing for you to know.” Andrew dismissed with a flick of his hand.

Neil pondered over it for a moment but came to no conclusion so he just whirled then around the rink to the rhythm of a disco song avoiding the crazed teenagers that flew past them. Andrew's hands held tight to Neil in apprehension as if Neil was the only thing keeping him standing– which he pretty much was.

Neil was having the time of his life as he moved backward smiling the whole time. When they stopped in the center of the rink and a new song came on, Neil took the initiative to bend his head in Andrew's direction until their foreheads were touching, breath coming short at their proximity and heart pounding in his chest. He was going to kiss Andrew now. It would be magic, he could already tell just by the way fireworks ignited on his stomach and his heart somersaulted out of his chest cavite. His palms became umid with sweat and his mouth dried out, but he was going to do it anyway. 

He leaned in, his mouth approaching Andrew’s until it was a hair away and waited for Andrew to pull away. When he didn’t, Neil went for it. Just as their lips were about to touch Neil heard a loud whistle above the music and a cacophony of voice yelling. “Get it, Mr. Josten.”

His head snapped back to where six of his students were pillowed on top of one another on the bleaches at one side of the rink laughing and pointing at him. He looked back at Andrew to find him with a vacant gaze and blank face two shades paler than usual, looking as if he was going to be sick or pass out.

To be honest Neil didn't remember the last time he cried but right now he wanted to cry from sheer frustration, he was so close. He just wanted this day to be about him and Andrew. But instead he encountered someone that knew him from school in every location he had planned. This was supposed to be the day he made Andrew his and instead he now had his school kids making fun of them and ruining their first kiss before it even happened.

“Let’s go home.” He sighed, at least at home it was just the two of them, well that is until Allison and the other arrived for dinner.

They scurried away from the rink still hearing the chant of the noisy teenagers and Neil vowed to make the rest of their senior year hell. He would squish every little spark of joy from them with surprise tests and impossible to complete assignments until they cried and begged for mercy.

The walk and drive back home was silent, a gloomy cloud of self-doubt and loathing hovering above Neil’s head that grew bigger with each passing minute. Why wasn’t Andrew saying anything? Neil was sure he noticed what he was going to do on the rink. Andrew hadn’t pushed him away or given any indication that he didn’t want Neil to proceed and kiss him. But maybe he had just been too shocked to react, he had looked the closest to terrified Neil had ever seen him after the kids began to goad them to kiss.

Neil waited in agony until they reached their apartment and stopped in the middle of the living room before turning back at Andrew and questioning him. “Do you like me? Like like-like me?” He said, immediately regretting it. Way to sound stupid on the most exhilarating and yet terrifying moment of his entire life.

Andrew blinked at him for one long, excruciating second before crossing his bulging arms. “What are we, twelve or something?”

Neil glared at him, a deep scowl on his face. “Stop deflecting Andrew, I need to know. I'm tired of waiting and waiting for you to piece it together.” His heart tumbled on a beat as he stepped closer to Andrew. He was going to do it, let it all out in the open. “I like you, Andrew, I’m head over heels for you.”

“Since when?” Andrew asked in an even voice and for the first time in their friendship Neil could not for the life of him read Andrew's face.

“I realized it on the day you left for your university touring trip. I still had two years until I could join you and the thought of not seeing you every day, even though you would be just a few hours away, terrified me. That was the sole reason why I applied to graduate early. But again when I think about it I guess I liked you way before that, I just didn't know what the feeling was at the time. Maybe even from the very first time I saw you. You just intrigued me so much”

“You’re ace, Neil.”

“That doesn't change what I feel for you. Asexuality is a spectrum Andrew. It has always been you for me.”

Andrew said nothing, his eyes panning around the room at everything but Neil. If this was a cartoon smoke would be coming out of his head. He was malfunctioning.

 “Are you going to say something, I feel like I’m dying right now.” New voice cracked but Andrew still didn't look at him.

“I think this would be a bad idea.” Andrew started and Neil's heart broke in a million little pieces. His chest became a hallowed blackhole and he felt panic slamming over him like a wave threatening to drown him and lead him into nothingness. 

This was a rejection. He put his heart on Andrew's hand and, even though he was sure Andrew would never purposely hurt him, he had just squeezed and crushed it until it no longer had any pulse. And the worst thing was that Neil himself broke their friendship ‒just like Andrew was breaking his heart‒ the moment he fell for his best friend. Now things would never be the same. It would be awkward and none of the easy understanding they had between them would be left, because right now Neil couldn't even look at Andrew without dying a little more inside.

He had hoped. But the thing about hope is that people are so enthralled by it that they forget its destructive power. And Neil hoped and then he forgot he was unlovable.

Andrew opened his mouth to say something else when the doorbell rang like the cry of a dying animal in the silence of their home.

----------

— Don't hate me guys —

— What do you all think is going to happen next? What does Andrew mean? —

— This one here was ambitious, by the end I had a 13 page document more than the last two part together. I spent so much time adding and editing stuff out. I cogitated splitting it in two parts to update earlier but decided not to. I think it turned out okay. Let me know what you guy think —

Check Part 4

[the-fanaddict]

an in depth analysis of why every character was written horribly, even without the dumb reset

Steve

I mean this one’s obvious. We had someone with such great character development in Trollhunters, 3Below, and Wizards. Personally think that Steve was fine in Wizards (I like his knight subplot) and I thought they were setting up Steve recreating knights of the roundtable, but guess not lol. 

He didn’t even get to fight. He had a strong start in the movie and his concern for Jim really shows his growth from being his bully, but then he got immediately turned into a punchline.

Eli

All of Eli’s involvement with the plot happened offscreen. It’s great that he created the gun robot, but that’s it. Then he got turned into a midwife for Steve. 

Krel

Also a lot of the involvement happened offscreen. He remade the amulet which was cool, but it should’ve held more weight. The amulet should’ve been introduced way later into the movie. 

And okay as much as I love Stuart why did he need to fix the Amulet KREL WAS RIGHT THERE WHY WAS STUART RELEVANT

I know Stuart is good with electronics and he even made Seklos’ canon back in 3below but this is such an annihilation of Krel’s genius.

Plus the whole “It needs to have Merlin’s magic” thing was bs HELLO DOUXIE WAS RIGHT THERE THE ORIGINAL AMULET WAS ALSO MADE WITH HIS MAGIC

Aja

I’m glad she’s come into the role of queen, but by god she was so cold to Jim for no reason. She knows what it’s like to be powerless. She lost her parents to a coup and couldn’t do anything!!!! SHE AND JIM HAD THE MOST UNDERSTANDING IN 3BELOW. 

Also evacuating the earth goes so much against who she was in 3below. She ADORED the Earth. Loved everything about it, not just the people. 

And by god the kissing Akiridion lore is so dumb and so obviously thrown in there with no thought on how it would’ve affected 3Below. The kissing tree is ruined and her relationship with Steve is ruined.

Claire

bruh what do you mean her magic is spent this was not a problem in Wizards. She barely does any shadow magic and then it is spent. How many times are you gonna nerf her like that

I’ve always said Jlaire is what Hiccstrid should’ve been and in the end they become what I dislike about Hiccstrid. Claire was a prize for Jim and was reduced to Girlfriend who Fights. She didn’t have any meaningful or fun interactions with any other character. Really nobody did

Douxie

@douxie-casperan​ goes in much more in depth here https://douxie-casperan.tumblr.com/post/657457589076000768/rise-of-the-titans-and-the-assassination-hisirdoux but i’ll add my thoughts as well

the narrative just gives him one big trauma conga line without addressing any of it. Douxie was tortured by the order and absolutely no one wants to check he’s alright????? Just immediately start questioning him?? 

Archie was his companion for CENTURIES and all he says is “I hope he’s happy?????” honestly this was just httyd3 for them but without any of the emotion

Nari died and Douxie should’ve fucking snapped by that point. He should’ve gone avatar mode again when Nari got stabbed and help Nari kill Skrael on the spot. And then Nari would die. He should’ve been on his knees sobbing hearing Nari say “no more running” one last time. It would’ve been a great parallel to Wizards. 

And then he also was nerfed with his powers but with no explanation. The body swap spell was great. Power move. Everything else was no. Not to mention his magic was so inconsistent like hello that’s not what tenebris excellium does

He took on the order alone in wizards with a tenebris excellium but then bellroc overpowers him and flicks him away like w h  at. 

Toby

If Toby was going to die and have his friendship with Jim be prioritized at all, then for the love of god stop reducing him to a punchline. I mean the series has this issue as well, but he’s supposed to be important here. There are barely any meaningful moments with Jim outside of his death scene and moments from the series. 

Charlemagne 

Literally used as a plot device. Guy who knows a guy. I mean, that’s kind of what he was used for in Wizards as well, but his character moments with Douxie was why he was important. Honestly no reason for him to be in this movie. 

Archie

Archie CHOSE TO BE A FAMILIAR AND DEFY CHARLIE’S WISHES TO BE WITH DOUXIE AND THEN HE SAYS NO THANKS I’LL JUST BE WITH MY DAD FOREVER????????

Strickler + Nomura

Literally brought into this movie just to be a casualty. I will admit I like the small interaction between Douxie and Nomura but he barely knows her so there’s no reaction to it. Their deaths were so goddamn stupid how would a bomb defeat a magical being and why would you send a changeling to brazil. 

Jim

Jim. Oh buddy Jim. For a character with pretty much the only tangible arc in this movie, they sure botched that up. I was ready for the arc to be about him being weak, but I figured it would be due to turning human, not losing the amulet. We’ve been through the fact that without the amulet he’s still the trollhunter. But now he’s back to being powerless. That’s what his arc should’ve been about being powerless, not the amulet. 

I’m not a fan of making him the center of the movie when he’s had way more screentime than anyone else. and to learn a lesson HE ALREADY LEARNED. I wouldn’t have minded as much if his arc was handled any good. 

I hate to say this about one of my favorite emotional characters, but Jim kept angsting way too much throwing pity party after pity party for himself. Like we get it dude. Outside of that he was so emotionless as a leader. There was no charm to him at all. He honestly could’ve given less of a crap about anyone else besides the og gang.  He honestly reminds me a little of rtte!hiccup and how hiccup treated his friends terribly from time to time rip

Douxie getting tortured?? After he fought tooth and nail for him when Jim was hurt in wizards??? Immediately starts pestering him for answers. Where is his kindness? His selflessness? The trademark Jim sacrifice??? BECAUSE GOING BACK SURELY WASN’T A SACRIFICE

[blackswaneuroparedux]

Anonymous asked: Do the intellectual elites basically set the direction of how society thinks? Over the centuries, the general public has followed philosophical trends in the academic world so how do these beliefs and academic theories filter down into the mainstream? Is there anything we can do to stop it?

It may seem like in our current turbulent times that the elites do the thinking for the masses. And if one stands back to look at the flash points of intellectual history that indeed feels true. But equally one can stand back and ask critically if this is really so? 

Who are you actually talking about? Who are these intellectual elites? I dislike these generalisations because they are unhelpful. How does one define elite? Is it intellect? Is it cachet of social position? I think our so-called university elites - professors etc - are in their own existential crisis because of how commodified a university education is becoming. They are beholden to students as consumers. It’s a worrying trend.

Of course it didn’t use to be like that because then our intellectual elites had both recognised intellectual prowess and a social cachet. In other words they had power. I think the modern day academic is many ways a powerless and even pitiful figure at the mercy of university managers and money men.

Nor do I think one thinker dominates over others as they might have done in the past.

A case van be made that ideas today are democratised. Power resides wherever their is a vacuum. It doesn’t reside in the class room but on social media.

In our more recent times intellectual trends like post-modernism and now social critical theory have been seeping into the mainstream. Even Donald Trump has brought up critical race theory to the wider watching populace as a beating stick over the left.

But many ordinary people would be hard pressed to name the actual thinkers (outside of just lumping people together as an amorphous mass e.g. cultural marxists or far right conservatives). It’s more true to say that all ideas now fight in the market place of ideas as a product for people to consume blindly.

But why one idea takes off and another doesn’t is something I don’t have answer for. Or where is the point where ideas from top down meet reality from bottom up and create some kind of intellectual and social momentum? I don’t have time to get into that here.

Another thing is that like an MP4 download the compression size of the complexity gets eroded the more it is downloaded and passed around. In other words people start arguing over labels and top line arguments than actually grapple with the deeper and more complex ideas contained.

This isn’t to say there are no problems with such theories - e.g. critical race theory - because there are. For the record, I am hostile to such philosophies as a Tory as I am towards many lefty isms plaguing the modern university campus that find their way into the public square.

Rather than attack the messenger (ie people) one should critically examine the arguments from every side. This is true for any theory and wherever it comes from. We engage ideas not people.

I don’t want to sound like a broken record so let me play devil’s advocate and suggest an alternative if only to muse upon on it.

I was having a stimulating series of conversations with a professor of intellectual history and other academic historians and political scientists from prestigious French institutions at a friend’s dinner party not so long ago. Like any French dinner good conversation is expected along with good food and wine. Arguments are meant to be robust and even heated but never personal. Arguments are won as much by charm and wit as it is by intellect. It’s all very convival and civilised.

Anyway, we touched on many things from the sorry state French politics, Brexit, Trump, and Covid of course. The usual stuff I imagine. But because of who was around the table the discussion enjoyably explored much wider issues.

For me it’s always interesting to hear the premise from where people build their arguments. For the left secularist the Enlightenment becomes the cornerstone from which the lens of history is viewed and interpreted. For the conservative it’s anything before the 1789 Revolution. Both actually looked at change and the ideas therein as from top down. The ground up (or the view from below) was given short thrift.

I suggested an alternative premise more from a playful motivation than absolute empirical evidence - if only to liven things up a little as the conversation was becoming stale and even predictable.

Perhaps the direction of influence could also be seen the other way round? That is to say that philosophical theories formalise and develop ideas that are already in circulation in society and culture.

Did you get that? Let me explain.

Remember Hegel's beautiful and profound observation that 'the owl of Minerva spreads its wings only with the falling of the dusk. In the words what Hegel was saying was that philosophical theory comes afterwards, reflectively, when a development of ideas or institutions is complete and (he would add) in decline.

Plato's 'Republic', at least its political portion, was as the late Michael Oakeshott once put it, 'animated by the errors of Athenian democracy'. Any citizen could participate in politics and help determine policies and legislation without any knowledge of the relevant matters. Plato saw democracy as the politics of ignorance. If every other human inquiry or activity recognised expert knowledge - in his famous example, you wouldn't let just anyone, regardless of their lack of specialist skills, navigate a ship - why not politics, too ? Why should politics be special in not requiring knowledge of the proper ends and means of political action as a condition of participation. Think of this what you will, but the 'Republic' was rooted in its contemporary context and was a response to it.

Aristotle's 'Politics' is a theorisation of the Greek polis, which was already passing out of independent existence under the impact of Alexander the Great's conquests. Athens was a city-state, and a democracy (albeit a limited one). Even though Aristotle was not born in Athens his views were accepted until he was shunned after the death of Alexander.

Aquinas' 'Summa' was a response to the recovery of Aristotle's writings and to the ongoing beliefs and practice of the Catholic Church - as well, of course, to movements which he opposed in theology.

Hobbes' 'Leviathan' is clearly a recipe for avoiding the kind of political and social chaos caused by the French Wars of Religion and the English Civil Wars. They were in his rear-view mirror when he wrote his tome.

Hume's 'atomistic' view of the nature of experience as composed of distinct impressions and ideas drew on the model of Newtonian 'corpuscular' physics.

Kant's Critique of Pure Reason asks how knowledge is possible, with the glories of Newtonian physics in the background. His emphasis on the place of reason in ethics is fully in the spirit of the Enlightenment's celebration of reason.

John Stuart Mill's 'On Liberty' was a counter-blast to the pressure toward conformity which he thought he saw in the England of his day.

Logical Positivism was a response to the huge, brilliant developments in science - relativity and quantum theory - and took the form of scientism, the view that scientific knowledge is the only form of deep and accurate knowledge (of all real knowledge).

Marxism was a response to the embryonic birth of the modern capitalist system after the industrial revolution in Britain. Both Hegel and Marx formulated their theories by what they observed was happening with the birthing pains of modern industrial capital society. Cultural Marxism is a different beast entirely.

I could go on.

I am not suggesting, of course, that there was anything crude or mechanical in the way these philosophies emerged from their contexts. They all added independent thought of great subtlety. But their problems and the terms of their solutions were set by their times, at least as they understood them. It’s plausible but may not be completely true. But that’s part of the enjoyment of musing upon whimsical thoughts without the conceit of being certain.

Anyway something to think about.

Thanks for your question.

[ollyarchive]

Olly Alexander: ‘I want to make the community proud. I don’t know if I've always got it right’

By

David Levesley

As Ritchie Tozer in Russell T Davies’ devastating 1980s-set drama It's A Sin, Olly Alexander told a story from a tragically formative decade in gay history. As himself and as frontman of synthpop trio Years & Years, he contributes to a new narrative. But, as he reveals here, the insecurities and anxieties written into minority identities are not just a personal challenge: they can shape stories told by, for and about all his peers

It is the afternoon before It’s A Sin is broadcast to the nation and its star, 30-year-old musician and actor Olly Alexander, is buying a cat cushion. “It’s for a friend!” he says, mortified to be caught in the act of buying a plush feline.

Where once being the star of a primetime Channel 4 drama might mean greenrooms, watch parties and a celebratory afters, this is January 2021, so a flame-haired Alexander is sitting in his kitchen, drinking a smoothie the exact same lilac as his top.

“I’ve had a lot of restless energy,” he says, having binge-watched The Real Housewives Of New York City in between doing lots of squats and “watching homoerotic YouTube workout videos”. It’s not quite the normal build-up to a game-changing drama, but is there a better way to remember peacetime than watching a show filled with period pieces such as “friends drink indoors” or “strangers have guiltless sex at a house party”? It’s A Sin is both a masterpiece and a reminder that someday we will, once again, be able to be eaten out by hot men. “You’re so welcome,” Alexander says, laughing. “If I can bring anything to the British public, it’s a lesson in anal hygiene.”

Anal hygiene are two words we have probably never published together in GQ, but, more importantly, are probably not the subject of many – if any! – scenes in a piece of media not uploaded to OnlyFans. They are, however, the subject of a crucial scene in the first episode of It’s A Sin, in which Alexander’s character – an 18-year-old fledgling queer from the Isle Of Wight called Ritchie Tozer – gets rimmed by his campus crush, Ash Mukherjee (Nathaniel Curtis). No gay men watching came out of that scene not feeling seen and, like all the other sex scenes in It’s A Sin, it feels deeply realistic and fantastically homosexual.

“I can tell you I’ll never forget being practically butt-naked with my arse in the air in front of colleagues,” says Alexander, laughing. But by that point, he says, he had done so many sex scenes that it felt somewhat rote. “‘Ritchie’s got a dirty bum! Stick that arse in the air and look disappointed!’” What was interesting, he says, was the dynamic of trying to produce the most authentically gay experiences possible on camera.

‘WE UNDERSTOOD THESE CHARACTERS WITH A KIND OF SHORTHAND THAT GAY PEOPLE UNDERSTAND’

They were working with Ita O’Brien – a movement director and arguably the OG intimacy coordinator – but, for her sins, not a gay man. So while everyone would have an input in how a sex scene would be best shot, “There came a point when they would say, ‘Please tell us, because we’re not gay men.’” So then the writer, the performers, the director and O’Brien’s team would come to a consensus on how to make a threesome look like three men shagging, yet also make it look the best it could on camera and make sure “you never touch each other’s genitals, basically”.

Alexander says O’Brien’s input was a “lifesaver” for him on set. Although by the end he felt comfortable, he was at first intimidated by just how exposing this would be. “I had a bit of a hysterical breakdown. I was really worried I couldn’t do it. I just didn’t feel safe.” This was interesting to hear from Alexander, the proudly queer frontman of the band Years & Years, who “spent four years on the road performing and finding this character that I do feel sexy in”. It was then that O’Brien and the team asked him to bring whatever made him feel comfortable on stage into the room before the cameras rolled. “So I would sing before the takes, be a little bit of Olly on stage,” he says, laughing. “That was my way of tricking my brain and thinking it was a character. Which, of course, it was.”

Before he was Olly Alexander, consummate gamine artiste, Olly Alexander Thornton was a singled-out kid at a primary school in Gloucestershire (where his mother ran a music festival). He was, like many other gay kids growing up, bullied and harassed for being something “other”, which everyone is able to see long before you can define it yourself. “I remember being in primary school and I had long hair and people would call me a girl,” he says, and the wound still feels raw when he recounts it.

“I knew that was bad for boys. I didn’t like the things that other boys liked: I just wanted to play with the girls and watch Disney movies. Which obviously straight boys do as well,” he mentions, always making sure to provide caveats to include all facets of the human experience. Although the bullying began to subside by secondary school in Monmouthshire, he still stood out: he had big curly hair – “I was trying to hide my ears” – and would wear make-up or a choker sometimes on nonuniform days. “I think I was trying to figure out who I was,” he says. “Imagine getting to discover your own sexuality without any preconceived ideas! I mean, maybe that’s impossible. But it would be nice, right? Why should people bullying you be your first brush with your own sexuality?”

Like Ritchie Tozer, Alexander moved to London at 18 to pursue acting, but he also had designs on becoming a musician. “Because when you’re writing a song, you’re the director, the star, the producer, the writer. I wanted all of that! I needed that to be able to express myself,” he proclaims with faux hysteria. For years he found success as an actor in a diverse selection of roles: he appeared in Gaspar Noé’s Enter The Void, costarred with seemingly every other white British actor in The Riot Club and also in God Help The Girl, a musical film written by Belle And Sebastian’s Stuart Murdoch. “Then Years & Years just got to a place where it was going to take over and needed my full time,” Alexander says. So his focus moved to the music.

‘IMAGINE DISCOVERING YOUR SEXUALITY WITHOUT ANY PRECONCEIVED IDEAS!’

It was on their third single, “Real” – released in 2014 – that Alexander first felt his art and his sexuality really intermingle. “It was the first time I put in a male pronoun – I say ‘Do it, boy’ – and it’s quite subtle, but it was a big deal for me at the time.” This was when Years & Years were trying to get signed to a major label, so doing something so consciously queer felt like a risk (the band went on to sign with Polydor later that year).

While pop music has long had an element of queerness about it – you need only look at the artists featured in It’s A Sin to see how gay 1980s pop was – Alexander has long been frank that sexuality and success are not always seen as natural bedfellows. At a Stonewall event in 2018 he recounted being told during his media training, “Maybe it’s better not to say anything about your sexuality at all.” In the same year, he told NME there had been progress, but that “I just know there are people who are hiding their sexuality, so it’s still not gone completely”.

Alexander doubled down on it with the music video – featuring his Bright Star costar Ben Whishaw – where he “purposefully made it gay. There’s a cruising element to the very beginning. It’s slightly ambiguous, though, because back then I wasn’t quite ready to launch into being the gay crusader I think I am now.” In 2015 the band won the BBC’s Sound Of 2015 poll, releasing their first album, Communion, the same year. It became 2015’s fastest-selling debut album from a UK-signed band.

‘I JUST WATCHED LIAM PAYNE TAKE HIS TOP OFF, BUT NOW I’M NOT ALLOWED TO?’

But despite the success, and the realisation that audiences were either supportive of – or simply unfazed by – the queerness of Years & Years’ music, there is always an anxiety for Alexander about just how accepting people are willing to be. “I’ll tell you for real,” says Alexander, “I go out on stage – even if it’s for our own audience – and I’m like, ‘What if some of them don’t like me? What if some of them have an issue with me today?’ I always feel like I’m going to try a bit harder next time, try to do a bit more.”

While the character of “Olly Alexander, Years & Years frontman” is one that bespangles its performer with confidence, being queer in the music industry isn’t always an easy thing to navigate. He remembers seeing a tweet from someone who said Alexander’s sexuality was a ruse to try to attract the pink pound – a term for the spending power of gay men – “And it had an impact on me, because I’ve consciously tried to [be openly gay] in a lot of circumstances where I wouldn’t normally. And then for someone...” He tries to think of how to put it and comes up short. “It can chip away at you.”

He wouldn’t change a thing about his success, he says, but that doesn’t mean there aren’t times when it isn’t hard to be out and proud while also getting your foot in the door. “When we’re playing a pop music festival, I’m looking at the other acts in the lineup and there aren’t that many gay people on them,” he says. “You see how quickly your show isn’t family friendly any more because I want to take my top off and I’m like, ‘Well, I just watched Jason Derulo and Liam Payne take their tops off and have all these women in underwear, but now I’m not allowed?’ What do you do with that?”

It’s A Sin marks a return to acting but, also, a chance to refresh Alexander’s musical batteries too. Following Years & Years’ second album – 2018’s Palo Santo – the third album was proving hard to pin down. “I’ve been trying to make this album for about 18 months at this point, stopping and starting, listening to all the songs and... it’s just not feeling relevant any more.” Alexander had always loved Russell T Davies’ work, so when he heard Davies was making a new TV show he “had to be in it. I would just jump at the chance to work with him. And that was before I read the script.” Years & Years had just finished touring Palo Santo and, to Alexander, it felt like the stars had aligned.

While the anxiety of performing queer sex scenes might have been particularly exposing for a gay man like Alexander, there were huge benefits for him being in a cast and crew that were predominantly LGBTQ+. “It was a revelation. I’ve never been on a set with so many queer people. I’ve never even worked with a gay director, so it was a completely new experience.” Plus, being asked to play part of a group of gay best friends, portrayed predominantly by gay actors, meant the chemistry came very quickly: “We understood these characters [with a] kind of shorthand that gay people understand.”

An inclusive, comfortable environment was beneficial for more than just sex scenes and simulating a decade of friendship. It’s A Sin also required its cast to grapple with the issue of HIV and aids, not just as a part of the furniture – as we do in the 21st century, with our knowledge of viral loads, sleeping with undetectable partners and new medications such as Prep – but really putting a forgotten part of British queer history under the lens, who it affected and how it changed the LGBTQ+ community irrevocably. “It’s an issue that is deeply surrounded by stigma and there’s a lot of trauma there and a lot of fear,” Alexander explains. “I know, personally, it was an area that I was scared to really engage with.”

He mentions that just before filming he made friends with an older gay couple at his gym and in talking about the show with them he was offered a rare opportunity to hear about personal experiences of the aids crisis. “It can be so difficult as a gay person to feel like you have intergenerational support,” says Alexander. “Elders are so important in our community. You can get so much from the people who have gone through so much before and fought that fight.”

For Alexander and the cast, It’s A Sin was a rare opportunity: a chance to be brought together with a whole group of men and women who were there at the time and who were willing to share their experiences with them. “I feel so lucky that I got to engage with that and keep learning. I was just scratching the surface and there are so many stories you can tell from this period. It’s impacted us all the way until now and it will in the future.”

Starring in It’s A Sin has also changed what Years & Years’ third album is going to sound like. After the initial writer’s block, Alexander says, he focused instead on the music of the show (Bronski Beat, Kelly Marie, the titular song by Pet Shop Boys) “and it really took my mind back to the club” – especially in the midst of a pandemic, when the queer nightlife venues that are the backbone of our community are so desperately missed.

“All the music I wanted to listen to in lockdown was high energy. It was dance floor. It was club music.” This was the music that had played such a huge role in his early life in London, had inspired the first Years & Years album and a genre that owes a great debt to the LGBTQ+ community. “I think at their heart, lots of these songs are about joy despite crushing pain. I just thought, ‘God, imagine hearing “I Feel Love” on the dance floor for the first time.’ What a transcendent experience that would be.”

‘ELDERS ARE SO IMPORTANT IN OUR COMMUNITY. YOU CAN GET SO MUCH FROM THE PEOPLE WHO HAVE FOUGHT THAT FIGHT’

And so Alexander went into the studio – as soon as it was safe to do so – and created a bunch of new songs. Is it easy to find collaborators behind the scenes who get it when he says, “I want it to feel like Britney meets Rihanna meets Hot Chip via New Order”?

“It can be a challenge to find someone that really understands,” admits Alexander. He recalled being sent round the songwriters and producers in Los Angeles that all artists are sent round at a certain point, “And some of those people are amazing – some amazing queer people as well – but predominantly... You know, they’re straight, so it can be quite challenging.”

Feeling safe with his collaborators hasn’t been an easy journey, but now he’s in a good place for it. He also pointed out that it’s not just queers who can understand his vision: his bandmates are straight, he points out – “I really believe in working with straight people! Some of my best friends are straight!” – and his frequent collaborator, the producer Mark Ralph, “is a real ally to us gays”, who was always willing to vibe along to Paris Hilton singles with him.

A new sound – a queerer sound – isn’t just a risk in a world where Alexander’s performances are held to double standards and the linchpins of queer culture can still be seen as synonymous with perversion. The impossible standards queer work is held to don’t just come from the straight world: gay men can be terrible recipients of work designed for them too.

Russell T Davies has dealt with it his entire career: “There’s the problem of lack of representation, but there’s the problem that when you are represented, it’s just not seen,” he explained when I spoke to him recently. “You just learn to cope. I worry about it. I probably worry about it more than I say here, but at the end of the day it’s never stopped me writing the next thing.” But he gets it because he, too, is a gay man who consumes art and he sees the same biases coming out when he watches other queer-centric work.

Yet he was amazed that artists younger than him are still dealing with the same crises: “It’s what comes with being a minority. It’s what comes of oppression and you kind of expect this to pass. But then you talk to young people like Olly, who’s a different generation from me, and you find them thinking the same things,” Davies said. “I was lucky to have my training during an age when you’d be lucky to get one review in the Times. Now you live in a world of reviewers.”

When I ask Alexander if he worries how gay men will respond to a gay artist’s work, it is no easier for him to respond than it was for Davies. “Oh, God, you’re making my heart race now,” he says, breathless. “I should be careful, because I don’t want to demonise anybody. But I tried to really unpack this myself and... I’ll just sort of say it.” It is clear that this is intense for him: his eyes are looking watery as he tries to phrase it delicately.

“I have this – I think irrational – anxiety about gay men tearing me down. And I tried to interrogate that within myself and I think it’s complicated, because a lot of it has to do with internalised phobias and shame, about how I see myself versus how other people see me.” He begins to cry. “What I do know is that I want them to not hate me. And I want to make the community proud. It’s been at the heart of pretty much every decision I’ve ever made. And I don’t know if I’ve always got it right.”

‘I HAVE THIS – I THINK IRRATIONAL – ANXIETY ABOUT GAY MEN TEARING ME DOWN’

It’s tough being an actor asked to shed light and humanity on a complex phase in British LGBTQ+ history; it’s just as tough to be a gay man trying to make pop music that speaks to the queer experience. But Alexander is doing both and, what’s more, he’s being unapologetically queer in the public eye. There aren’t many LGBTQ+ people in the position Alexander is in and it must be exhausting, I suggest, to be expected to speak for the needs and fears of an entire spectrum of sexual and gender identities. After all, he’s just one man who wants to be proud of who he is. “Sometimes, when I feel the most anxious, I have a voice in my head that goes, ‘Oh, Olly, why on earth did you put yourself in this position? You really are not the strong person people think you are.’” But, he says, he is learning he can’t speak for everyone, even if people expect it of him.

Instead, he’s focusing on being proud of what he’s done – the visibility, the audacity, the bravery – rather than the critique of his anxieties or Twitter trolls. “I’m always thinking about me as a teenager and how I’m creating the person I wanted to be in the world. I’m actually doing it! Holy fuck!”

[kingofthewilderwest]

"#just because you have a bias about certain socioeconomic groups which tend to listen to country doesn't mean" // Yup. I tend to side-eye folks who are like "I like all kinds of music except country and [Insert a genre of music usually associated with Black creators like rap and hip hop]" You're not slick, ppl. I know what you're saying.

^^^^^^^^^ You hit the nail on the head.

It’s racial bias. It’s socioeconomic bias. It’s bias against people groups who have less respect and say in society.

From my tags on this post:

#don’t get me started on a long rant of the progressive side of country music and what’s been progressive FOR DECADES#from times near its BEGINNInGS#through the modern age#just because you have a bias about certain socioeconomic groups which tend to listen to country doesn’t mean#that that’s actually what the genre is or who the artists are#I could go for a LONNNNG time about this#a LONG time#some of the best protest songs I know of today’s current political situation#are country#or have like ya’ll forgotten about the folk revival#of the 1960s#or…#gahghfnfddhgnghfngh#I AM GAY AND I LISTEN TO COUNTRY#NYEH!!!!

Now. I understand disinterest in a genre because it’s not your aesthetic, but when people express their feelings for country, R&B, hip-hop, etc. …the dialogue isn’t casual “It’s not my thing.” The dialogue is a hateful, passionate retaliation.

Other genres aren’t treated like this. It’s normalized and encouraged to hate on country and rap. These genres are systematically treated with less respect and that disrespect culturally arose because these genres are associated with less-respected demographics. 

(Country music is associated with people of low socioeconomic status, for people who aren’t explicitly aware.)

Anecdotally: I’ve caught something interesting about anti-country music sentiment. Many people tell me they can’t stand the “twang.” Half the time, I’ve noticed that their internalized definition of “twang” isn’t the vocal technique; it’s that they can’t stand the presence of a Southern accent. And hooboy does that have TONS of sociocultural bias issues. As a linguist, I’ve read endless sociolinguistic studies about how Southern dialects are treated as “lesser,” and how speakers of the dialect are automatically judged to be less intelligent, etc. It’s not good, folks.

Sometimes, to help friends get out of their anti-country mindset, I’ve “tricked” them into liking country. See, genres like bluegrass grew closely out of Scots-Irish folk music. Often, we’re playing the same tunes on both sides of the Atlantic. So I play a few instrumentals, my friend goes, “Oh! I love Celtic music

The biases against those demographics color how people view the music. There’s endless things that can be said about hip-hop bias, holy shit. I won’t focus on that today because I don’t believe I am qualified to be a spokesman. Someone who understands that genre better, and other genres associated with the African-American community, and is African-American, would be a better human to listen to than me. I defer to their knowledge and experience. It’s hella important to understand what bias has been reflected against those genres.

But there’s just as much bias against country music, against another demographic. And I’ve found it wild how it gets treated on places like tumblr, which wants to stand up for underprivileged groups, but somewhat inaccurately associates country music as “anti-gay conservative evil white person music” rather than music of people historically of lower socioeconomic status.

Yes, some of the demographic that listens to country music or plays country music are bad apples. But like… thinking the music is JUST THAT is a huge disservice to what country actually is and who the music artists actually are.

The history of country music is one giant collaborative melting pot of people from many different cultural backgrounds. Broad West African influence. Mexican influence. Italian influence. German influence. Scots-Irish influence. Cherokee influence. More. Early record labels like OKEH foolishly separated “hillbilly music” (presumably white folk music) from “rhythm and blues” (presumably Black folk music) without understanding the constant racial, demographic, regional, and cultural cross-pollination that occurred between the musicians from country music’s origins. And while there ARE certain issues in country music’s past and present, and we can’t let those issues go forgotten, that’s far from the whole story. We shouldn’t romanticize issues, but we should acknowledge that this music genre has given us major strides too.

Country music is the banjo, brought from Africa, combined with the mandolin, brought from Italy, combined with the fiddle, brought from Ireland, combined with the guitar and the dobro and the accordion and the upright bass and the electric guitar and the electric bass and whatever instruments you want to put in there.

Country music is African-American musicians like DeFord Bailey, the first radio star ever introduced on the Grand Ole Opry (THE most revered country music hub out there), blues harmonica performer, playing to crowds decades before segregation was de-legalized. He toured with white Opry musicians who treated him as one of their own. It’s soul music genre pioneer Ray Charles producing a studio album entirely dedicated to country music hits like “Hey Good Lookin’” from Hank Williams. It’s country star Charley Pride, who despite the racism against him in the 1960s rose to fame and made audiences fall in love with his beautiful voice. It’s the African-American musicians who inspired many commercial country stars, like Arnold Shultz influencing Bill Monroe and the railroad workers inspiring Jimmie Rodgers.

Country music is stars like Johnny Rodriguez and Rick Treviño, singing country music in Spanish, and using obvious Latin flavors in the genre.

Country music is filled with badass women like the ladies who STARTED THE GENRE ROLLING IN THE FIRST PLACE, Sara Carter and Mother Maybelle Carter (whose guitar style is hugely influential to this day) and Maybelle’s daughters Helen, June, and Anita; the first female music manager in the music industry, Louise Scruggs; songwriters like Felice Bryant and Loretta Lynn; the most awarded female artist in Grammy history Alison Krauss; and powerhouses like Dolly Parton who stepped out of an over-controlling entertainer’s shadow to become a badass in all things like supporting the LGBTQ community, contributing to pro-transgender films ahead of their time, and starring in sex worker positive productions like “The Best Little Whorehouse in Texas.”

Country music is filled with activism. Johnny Cash showed a heart for those forgotten by society. He toured many times in prisons. Cash especially was an activist for Native American rights. He toured with Native American songwriters so audiences could hear their own words (I’ve been trying to find names but I’m having difficulties re-finding that information, so my apologies for not giving names of those who deserve to be mentioned). Cash released albums dedicated to exposing past and present injustices against the Native American people. He went on tours specifically to Native American reservations. 

And it’s not just Johnny Cash!

Country music is many stars from the Grand Ole Opry banding together to release AIDS benefit albums - big names like Alison Krauss, Willie Nelson, Marty Stuart, aurgh I’m too lazy to write them all, PEOPLE.

Country music is Earl Scruggs and his sons playing at the Vietnam War Protests.

Country music is tied in with the fucking folk revival of the 1960s, which was deep in left-wing activism and the Civil Rights Movement. Folk singers sang traditional Appalachian and English ballads alongside their own compositions, topical pieces protesting the current political situation. You can call one artist “folk” or “Americana” and another one “country,” but the influences were intermingling, and it’s why we have Bob Dylan and Woody Guthrie and Joan Baez and John Denver and Pete Seeger owning a banjo that says, “This machine surrounds hate and forces it to surrender.”

Dammit, I have a full BOOK that discusses country music and political ties. 

There’s another book out there, which I haven’t read, that discusses the relationship between country music and the queer community, and how bias against country music is NOT as reflective of the listening demographic as we stereotype. I’ll take the word of one reviewer who said:

[Nadine Hubbs] explores country music lyrics, presenting a great deal of evidence suggesting that working class America is not inherently homophobic, but that as middle class cultural taste has changed to include formal acceptance of homosexuality, this process has included pinning homophobic ideas on the working class.

Country music is lyrics like this 1975 controversial song “The Pill”:

You wined me and dined meWhen I was your girlPromised if I’d be your wifeYou’d show me the worldBut all I’ve seen of this old worldIs a bed and a doctor billI’m tearing down your brooder house‘Cause now I’ve got the pillAll these years I’ve stayed at homeWhile you had all your funAnd every year that’s gone byAnother baby’s comeThere’s a-gonna be some changes madeRight here on nursery hillYou’ve set this chicken your last time‘Cause now I’ve got the pill

Country music is lyrics like this 2013 song that feels as relevant than ever:

If crooks are in charge, should we let them pick our pockets?If we don’t want trouble, should we not try to stop it?We could just sink into the quicksand slavery we’re born inBut fighting endless wars for greedy liars is getting pretty boringThey think they got us trained, so we’ll think we’re living freeIf we got time and money for junk food and TVBut it’s plain honest people never stand a chance of winning electionsThey just let us pick which liars take our rights away for our own protectionThe corporate propaganda paralyzes us with fearDestroying our ability to trustFear keeps us fighting with each other over scrapsStarving to death in the dustOrganized religion really helps you submitBut the meek are inheriting the short end of the stickFear surrounds compassion like a layer of moldAnd weakens our defenses so we’re too weak to be boldLife could be heaven, but this corrupted systemTakes away our rights, expects us not to miss themThe middle class is shrinking while the lower class growsIf we don’t wake up soon, we’ll have no class left to lose

Country music is Christians themselves criticizing the hypocritical Evangelical culture in the USA for the bullshit hatefulness stewing inside it:

Every house has got a Bible and a loaded gunWe got preachers and politicians‘Round here it’s kinda hard to tell which oneIs gonna do more talkin’ with a crooked tongue

And as that one post I just reblogged shows, there’s MANY queer country musicians out there producing explicitly pro-LGBTQ+ music.

I’m brushing over so much. I’m sorry for the simplification that goes with me doing such a pass-by overview. I’m sorry I’m focusing more on history than the present (I know more about the 1920s-1960s eras, so I’m talking from my strong suit). I hope the information is at least strong enough to get my point across.

There are definitely listeners and artists in country music who are uber-conservative white hateful Christians. Yes. I know why country music gets associated with that. But.

Country music is not ABOUT this uber-conservative white hateful Christian side. The genre is not “polluted”. It is a thousand voices from a thousand perspectives of people from many backgrounds and beliefs. And many of those thousand voices are old traditional songs that came from Black communities, or were composed by Mexican-Americans, or were performed by folk artists as part of a protest for equal rights. 

(Note: I’m *NOT* saying all Christians are bad or that different political angles don’t have merits. I’m Christian myself! And you don’t know my political party. I’m just trying to get the point across that country music isn’t ENTRENCHED in one questionable demographic.)

You don’t have to like country music. It doesn’t have to be your aesthetic. But if you find it fun to get in on society’s popular country hate roasting… please rethink this. The reason country music has been hated from its roots is because it’s associated with the socioeconomically disadvantaged.

I’m with you 100%, Ashley. When someone says they like all genres “except country music and rap,” I get a little leery. I used to be one of those people when I was younger. I had to learn to grow past those biases. But once I did, I realized there was so much I was hating on that I didn’t understand. Now, I hope I can help people overcome their own biases, such as ones they don’t realize they’ve had - for things like music.

Hi ya’lls. I’m queer and I love country.

P.S. If anyone has anything to add or correct, please feel free to add on! I’m doing my best but I do not know everything and would be happy to learn more, too!

[ballumsecretvalentine]

Smashing Glass

-- For the Secret Valentine! Not to give away much about me, but let’s just say I don’t write prose haha! I had such a great time writing this even though it went in a completely different direction to what I was planning, but either way, this is for @mitchellandhighway and I hope you all enjoy! --

‘You ain’t a bad person.’

Callum feels like he lied. Or that he might have done, at least. Ben is a stranger; emotionally disconnected from the world. Callum found it hard to shut his mouth. Once he’d opened it the first time, he told Ben everything; the hiding under a duvet whilst his parents shouted downstairs. The way smashing glass still haunted his dreams. How he would sneak glances at his brother when he wasn’t looking, counting bruises. Or teeth. That pull he’d had in his heart every time he tiptoed downstairs to find Jonno passed out on the floor. The way he felt, having to decide each morning, whether it would be better to hate himself at school, or hate himself at home.

He told Ben about his first crush, and the pain he’d inflicted on himself because of it. His first experience having a friend show him porn at a sleepover. The not liking it. Or being confused, at the very least; he still wasn’t sure. It had been Jonno who first suggested Cadets. Stuart encouraged it. They thought he was too soft. The bullying at school meant he flunked his classes, the army seemed an easy option. It was a place to live away from his family, after all. He hesitated, telling Ben about Chris. About the way he felt walking back to his bunk after their late night chats. He told Ben about the time he’d been woken up by a bucket of water; his squadron mates laughing about his hard on. His moaning. He never told them it was over Chris. He’d be humiliated.

He talked about arriving in Walford the first time. He watched Ben’s face change, when he told him he’d shot Mick. His first shift. More smashed glass. He thought maybe he was becoming quite fond of it, it had its uses, after all. The topic of Whitney came up then. His best friend’s ex-lover, ex-wife, even. How she liked him. He wanted to like her. He did like her. He told Ben about going back on tour. The explosions. About the children. And the mother. How he didn’t understand a word she was saying and how all he could think about, as his side was being torn into, was how soft he was. How everything was because he wasn’t a proper Highway boy.

He cried when he told Ben about why he stopped wanting to wear bright colours after that. How he didn’t want people to single him out. He didn’t want anyone to think anything about him. He didn’t even want to be seen. The worst bit about it all was that people started liking him more. He told Ben that Whitney said, during a toast, that she wanted him to be the best version of himself. He just wanted to smash the glass tight into his hand.

Ben knew everything about him, he was sure. How many sugars in his coffee; two. How many sugars in his tea; none. His side of the bed, his nighttime routine, the shows he recorded, his favourite shape of pasta, the reason he hoovered on Wednesdays and the way he tied his laces. Ben knew, by the pitch of his sigh, what Callum was going to order at the bar. Callum believed he was no hero, but he was certain that, if asked, Ben would say that yes, factually, Callum ain’t a bad person.

Factually, Callum didn’t really know anything about Ben. He knew about Paul. He knew a few things about Heather. Callum asked one day, out of curiosity, where George was. He shouldn’t have done, in fairness, he was sticking his nose in. It made Ben cry. He knew, from pushing, that the little oval marks on Ben’s forearms were from one of Ben’s stepmothers, though he got the impression some were formed much later. Kathy told Callum about the meningitis, though he wasn’t sure how relevant that was to his today-Ben. He had heard a few things about the blackmailing. And Kathy’s disappearance, and, from the Carter’s largely, the ‘Branning Baby’ situation, as Shirley so tactfully put it. It had been a shock when Callum found out Johnny was gay. It was more of a shock when he found out he’d slept with Ben. That made Callum feel a bit weird actually, but he hadn’t dared to mention it.

He didn’t really know why Ben was the way he was. He promise people, time and time again, that there was more to Ben than meets the eye. The problem with this is that even him, even Callum, had only seen one side of Ben. It just so happened it was a side that maybe only four other people knew about. Callum didn’t know the bad bits. He didn’t know what Ben did in the shadows and why, when Callum had spent his whole life trying to do the good thing, Ben was so flippant about breaking the law. Callum thought that maybe he’d told a lie when he said to Ben that he ‘ain’t a bad person’. But he really wanted to find out more. He wanted, for his own sake, to find out whether he’d really still love him. Whether it was possible for him to love a bad person.

‘I can see you’re mind ticking, you know?’ Ben said. He was reading the comics on the back page of the newspaper, having already finished the Sudoku. Callum was a little annoyed Ben had done it in pen, given that, even from across the table, Callum could see a glaring mistake he’d made that cocked up the whole thing, but he wouldn’t say anything.

‘Did your dad beat you?’ Callum asks.

‘Blimey, Cal, it’s a bit early for all this, don’t you think?’ Ben still doesn’t really look up, though Callum doesn’t blame him, given he has his glasses on. ‘My dad was an alcoholic.’

‘Yeah but so was Jonno. He never hit me.’

‘He his Stuart.’ Ben does look up at this point, and he’s frowning. It takes Callum a moment to realise he’s frowning too. ‘Look babe, what’s brought this on, ‘cos it’s not exactly pillow talk, is it?’

‘I don’t wan’t to sound stupid.’

‘You know I won’t care if you do,’

‘Jonno hit Stuart. And I know he’s my brother, but he went off the rails. Shot himself. Did that stuff to Tina. He’s a bit of a psycho sometimes.’

‘Okay?’

‘Well Jonno never hit me, did he?’ Callum doesn’t want Ben to lash out. ‘And I think I’m a decent person. I’ve done some bad shit, you know? But I’m good.’

Ben doesn’t lash out, he just breathes deeply, the way that makes his nostrils flare. ‘So you’re trying to work out whether my dad hit me, to correspond with whether I’m a psychopath or not?’ His bottom lip wobbles for a millisecond, But Callum notices. ‘Yeah.’ He says, ‘Yeah. He hit me sometimes.’

And that’s the moment Callum feels stupid. Because he realises it really doesn’t matter either way. Ben moves to put the newspaper on the bedside table, and accidentally knocks his water. The glass teeters on the edge, before smashing.

[harrisonstories]

Above: The Beatles playing at The Cavern (1962), Below: Some of George Harrison’s letters to Margaret “Maggie” Price (2019) [click to enlarge]

NOTE: This is a lovely piece written by Anne for the BeatlesTalk blog. It was originally in Dutch and can be found here (if anyone would be willing to provide a better translation, let me know). Pat Hodgett is referenced a few times, and if that name sounds familiar, it’s because this is the same Pat who wrote about the Cavern days in the 60s, here and here.

“When George Harrison looked at me, I forgot everything around me” - in conversation with Margaret Price

We are still in Ye Cracke, the Liverpool pub where John Lennon and Stuart Sutcliffe came to drink many beers during their student days. There are old stories of wild scenes. Of a drunken John Lennon who, swimming, made a splash of beer on his stomach. He will undoubtedly have had the laughters on his hand: young, challenging, full of bravado, a life ahead of him. Where would Lennon have been, I think. On the floor or perhaps on the small bar that is to the left of the entrance? There are not many more options. Soon my attention is back with the lady who has just joined our company and Mark Lewisohn shifts a pencil drawing.

Puzzle pieces

She appears to be called Margaret Price and from her conversation with Mark I notice that they have known each other a little longer. “You’ll definitely have to talk to Margaret later,” Mark tells me. “Margaret is one of the girls who first followed The Beatles in The Cavern.” That sounds interesting. Apparently Margaret helps Mark to put a number of puzzle pieces in that great Beatles story in place. The conversation is about Polythene Pam, who was immortalised by John Lennon with a short song in the great Abbey Road medley. “No Mark, that’s not Polythene Pam either”

As far as we know, Lennon based his Polythene Pam on two women he met in his younger years. One of them was probably Pat Dawson (Hodgett), who belonged to the group with earliest Beatles fans. Just like Margaret, she was one of these Cavernites. Mark is still looking for a photo of Pat. Her features are engraved in Margaret’s memory, so she made an attempt to mark Pat in a pencil drawing. It turns out that Mark regularly emails Margaret with a photo. Always with the question: “Is this then Polythene Pat?” Email after email, photo after photo. Margaret’s answer is always: “No, Mark, that’s not Pat either.” The drawing must ensure that the flow of e-mails stops. Unless of course Mark really thinks he found Pat. “I once had her daughter’s phone number,” Margaret involves me in the conversation. “But I never called again.” A track can end up dead. Years pass and people disappear in the past.

284 steps in 4 minutes

When Mark and Margaret have finished talking, we get the chance to get to know her more extensively. She was about 15 years old at the time and everyone still called her Maggie. Small in stature, timid and … head over heels in love with George Harrison, who was just a few years older. Maggie went to work immediately after high school, at the regional office of department store chain FW Woolworth. Her lunch break began at noon and together with her friends she was, exactly 284 steps and 4 minutes later at The Cavern in Mathew Street. They showed their membership card, threw the required entrance fees at the counter and rushed down the stairs. There was no time to lose: coats and bags on the front seats and quickly to the bar for a cup of tea and a sandwich. At 12. The Beatles (with Pete Best in their ranks) would start playing for 15 hours. Until 1.15 p.m. Then Maggie and her fellow Cavernites had to return to the office quickly. Undoubtedly full of adrenaline, after seeing their favourite band.

“Without The Beatles there would be no blow in Liverpool”

“We all liked the Beatles, but I had something special with George,” says Margaret. His look was so special. When he looked at me, I forgot everything around me: “He was very warm, he drew you in.” Or George knew she was crazy about him …“Yes, he knew that, he also knew me by name. I wasn’t sure about the others. ” Margaret started to correspond with George and always received a faithful response to her letters. “It was incredibly boring when The Beatles left for Hamburg for extended periods,” she says. We didn’t feel like going to look at other bands, we were bored to death.” Maggie George also said that in her letters, which also dealt with everyday life:

George shares the news about the EMI contract with Maggie

From the letter that George Maggie sent from The Star Club in Hamburg, Mark Lewisohn quoted an important passage that was relevant to his historiography about The Beatles. As I write this story, I grabbed the Extended Edition of Tune In, I open part two and slide my finger along the letter P in the index: Price, Margaret. There she is! With references to pages 1192, 1452 and 1515. Presumably in May 1962, George writes to Maggie from Hamburg: “We are all very happy about Parlophone, as it is a big break for us. We just want to work hard & clean for a hit with whatever we record. We don’t yet know what the producer will want.” The passage refers to the good news that The Beatles in Hamburg received from Brian Epstein: he had finally managed to arrange a recording contract for them: on 6 June 1962 in London. From the other letters from Hamburg, George Maggie regularly says that life is over there and longing for home. “Are you also in the theater tomorrow at Mark’s lecture?” Margaret asks me. “Then I’ll take the letters.” A promising offer.

In a plastic bag

When we have climbed the stairs of the Epstein Theater the next evening, I can already see Margaret on the lookout above. “I have the letters with me,” she says, laying her hand on her shoulder bag. “Maybe we can talk further later.” After the show we take a joint taxi to Hope Street, for a seat in the lobby of the hotel where Mark Lewisohn is staying. Wibo, Michiel and Jan Cees talk to Mark, I’m fine: on the couch next to Margaret.

The letters arrive on the table

Her bag opens and she places a number of copies and a thick manuscript on the table. ‘I had to sell the original letters when I got divorced in 1995 and needed the money. Moreover, I wanted them to be better preserved. They had been in a plastic bag for years and I saw them slowly but surely perish. Based on the copies and Margaret’s personal memories, a friend of mine wrote the manuscript of what could become her book: “He supplemented my memories with a good story about the context, just as Mark would.” I browse through the A4 pages and see a very well written story.

Dignity and pride

Margaret explains what it was like to lose The Beatles to London and to the world: “Everything changed. In The Cavern it became more and more crowded, we as friends of the band lost our places to the real fans, and thus pushed a bit further back. When The Beatles went to London, we were angry with the city government. Why didn’t Liverpool have good recording studios, why couldn’t we keep The Beatles? Why did we, as friends of the band, have so enthusiastically purchased that first single Love Me Do? Had we made The Beatles too big for that?” Margaret went on with her life, just like the other Cavernites: “For us, those world-famous Beatles were no longer the guys we were laughing and waving shyly in a local coffee shop. Once we were boys who, after their evening performances, which I also visited, said to me: ‘Shall we take you home? Get on in.’ That is how our contact with them was. We were not fans, we were their friends at the time and we did not want to run after them. When they really became famous, I didn’t follow them anymore. It wasn’t the same anymore.” I listen carefully and witness a beautiful piece of Liverpool dignity and pride.

With a birthday cake to George

One of Margaret’s most precious memories of George is his gentleness: "Pat Hodgett’s mother had a Bed & Breakfast on Mount Pleasant, was able to cook and bake well and was prepared to make a birthday cake for George. Pat and I took bus 74 on Georges birthday to his parental home on Macketts Lane to offer him that cake. Although George himself was not at home, his parents let us in. They apologised for the bare walls of the new social housing where they had recently moved into. The plaster still had to dry, no paperwork was allowed. We didn’t care. We were allowed to browse in George’s record collection, which contained a lot of music by Carl Perkins. The next day as I ran down the stairs of The Cavern during my lunch break, George was waiting for me at the bottom. He grabbed my arms and thanked me for the cake. George was a nice boy. He used to joke at me, while I was standing behind a group of worshipers. A few days later I received a letter from him, in which he apologised: “You know, Mag, I had too much of a drink.”

Sharing with the world

At the end of the evening I ask Margaret if she will publish the manuscript with the letters and her memories. “At the time I mainly wrote it down for my children and grandchildren. Would anyone else be waiting for my story?” she answers. "I think there are certainly enthusiasts to read your book. Maybe more than you think,” I tell her. “Moreover, you have a beautiful manuscript ready.” “Maybe I should find out if I still have the rights, or have to acquire, to quote from those letters,” she hesitates. “I never really worked on that.” We say goodbye and exchange e-mail addresses. I intend to email Margaret now and then to continue to encourage her to share her stories with the world.

[and-then-there-were-n0ne]

People might object that algorithms could never make important decisions for us, because important decisions usually involve an ethical dimension, and algorithms don’t understand ethics. Yet there is no reason to assume that algorithms won’t be able to outperform the average human even in ethics. Already today, as devices like smartphones and autonomous vehicles undertake decisions that used to be a human monopoly, they start to grapple with the same kind of ethical problems that have bedevilled humans for millennia.

For example, suppose two kids chasing a ball jump right in front of a self-driving car. Based on its lightning calculations, the algorithm driving the car concludes that the only way to avoid hitting the two kids is to swerve into the opposite lane, and risk colliding with an oncoming truck. The algorithm calculates that in such a case there is a 70 percent chance that the owner of the car - who is fast asleep in the back seat - would be killed. What should the algorithm do?

Philosophers have been arguing about such ‘trolley problems' for millennia (they are called 'trolley problems’ because the textbook examples in modern philosophical debates refer to a runaway trolley car racing down a railway track, rather than to a self-driving car).“ Up until now, these arguments have had embarrassingly little impact on actual behaviour, because in times of crisis humans all too often forget about their philosophical views and follow their emotions and gut instincts instead. One of the nastiest experiments in the history of the social sciences was conducted in December 1970 on a group of Students at the Princeton Theological Seminary, who were training to become ministers in the Presbyterian Church. Each student was asked to hurry to a distant lecture hall, and there give a talk on the Good Samaritan parable, which tells how a Jew travelling from Jerusalem to Jericho was robbed and beaten by criminals, who then left him to die by the side of the road. After some time a priest and a Levite passed nearby, but both ignored the man. In contrast, a Samaritan - a member of a sect much despised by the Jews - stopped when he saw the victim, took care of him, and saved his life. The moral of the parable is that people’s merit should be judged by their actual behaviour, rather than by their religious affiliation.

The eager young seminarians rushed to the lecture hall, contemplating on the way how best to explain the moral of the Good Samaritan parable. But the experimenters planted in their path a shabbily dressed person, who was sitting slumped in a doorway with his head down and his eyes closed. As each unsuspecting seminarian was hurrying past, the 'victim’ coughed and groaned pitifully. Most seminarians did not even stop to inquire what was wrong with the man, let alone offer any help. The emotional stress created by the need to hurry to the lecture hall trumped their moral obligation to help strangers in distress.

Human emotions trump philosophical theories in countless other situations. This makes the ethical and philosophical history of the world a rather depressing rale of wonderful ideals and less than ideal behaviour. How many Christians actually turn the other cheek, how many Buddhists actually rise above egoistic obsessions, and how many Jews actually love their neighbours as themselves? That’s just the way natural selection has shaped Homo sapiens. Like all mammals, Homo sapiens uses emotions to quickly make life and death decisions. We have inherited our anger, our fear and our lust from millions of ancestors, all of whom passed the most rigorous quality control tests of natural selection.

Unfortunately, what was good for survival and reproduction in the African savannah a million years ago does not necessarily make for responsible behaviour on twenty-first-century motorways. Distracted, angry and anxious human drivers kill more than a million people in traffic accidents every year. We can send all our philosophers, prophets and priests to preach ethics to these drivers - but on the road, mammalian emotions and savannah instincts will still take over. Consequently, seminarians in a rush will ignore people in distress, and drivers in a crisis will run over hapless pedestrians.

This disjunction between the seminary and the road is one of the biggest practical problems in ethics. Immanuel Kant, John Swart Mill and John Rawls can sit in some cosy university hall and discuss theoretical problems in ethics for days - but would their conclusions actually be implemented by stressed-out drivers caught in a split-second emergency? Perhaps Michael Schumacher - the Formula One champion who is sometimes hailed as the best driver in history - had the ability to think about philosophy while racing a car; but most of us aren’t Schumacher.

Computer algorithms, however, have not been shaped by natural selection, and they have neither emotions nor gut instincts. Hence in moments of crisis they could follow ethical guidelines much better than humans - provided we find a way to code ethics in precise numbers and statistics. If we teach Kant, Mill and Rawls to write code, they can carefully program the self-driving car in their cosy laboratory, and be certain that the car will follow their commandments on the highway. In effect, every car will be driven by Michael Schumacher and Immanuel Kant rolled into one.

Thus if you program a self-driving car to stop and help strangers in distress, it will do so come hell or high water (unless, of course, you insert an exception clause for infernal or high-water scenarios). Similarly, if your self-driving car is programmed to swerve to the opposite lane in order to save the two kids in its path, you can bet your life this is exactly what it will do. Which means that when designing their self-driving car, Toyota or Tesla will be transforming a theoretical problem in the philosophy of ethics into a practical problem of engineering.

Granted, the philosophical algorithms will never be perfect. Mistakes will still happen, resulting in injuries, deaths and extremely complicated lawsuits. (For the first time in history, you might be able to sue a philosopher for the unfortunate results of his or her theories, because for the first time in history you could prove a direct causal link between philosophical ideas and real-life events.) However, in order to take over from human drivers, the algorithms won’t have to be perfect. They will just have to be better than the humans. Given that human drivers kill more than a million people each year, that isn’t such a tall order. When all is said and done, would you rather the car next to you was driven by a drunk teenager, or by the Schumacher-Kant team?

The same logic is true not just of driving, but of many other situations. Take for example job applications. In the twenty-first century, the decision whether to hire somebody for a job will increasingly be made by algorithms. We cannot rely on the machine to set the relevant ethical standards - humans will still need to do that. But once we decide on an ethical standard in the job market - that it is wrong to discriminate against black people or against women, for example - we can rely on machines to implement and maintain this standard better than humans. A human manager may know and even agree that it is unethical to discriminate against black people and women, but then, when a black woman applies for a job, the manager subconsciously discriminates against her, and decides not to hire her. If we allow a computer to evaluate job applications, and program the computer to completely ignore race and gender, we can be certain that the computer will indeed ignore these factors, because computers don’t have a subconscious. Of course, it won’t be easy to write code for evaluating job applications, and there is always a danger that the engineers will somehow program their own subconscious biases into the software. Yet once we discover such mistakes, it would probably be far easier to debug the software than to rid humans of their racist and misogynist biases.

We saw that the rise of artificial intelligence might push most humans out of the job market - including drivers and traffic police (when rowdy humans are replaced by obedient algorithms, traffic police will be redundant). However, there might be some new openings for philosophers, because their skills - hitherto devoid of much market value - will suddenly be in very high demand. So if you want to study something that will guarantee a good job in the future, maybe philosophy is not such a bad gamble. Of course, philosophers seldom agree on the right course of action. Few 'trolley problems’ have been solved to the satisfaction of all philosophers, and consequentialist thinkers such as John Stuart Mill (who judge actions by consequences) hold quite different opinions to deontologists such as Immanuel Kant (who judge actions by absolute rules). Would Tesla have to actually take a stance on such knotty matters in order to produce a car?

Well, maybeTesla will just leave it to the market. Tesla will produce two models of the self-driving car: the Tesla Altruist and the Tesla Egoist. In an emergency, the Altruist sacrifices its owner to the greater good, whereas the Egoist does everything in its power to save its owner, even if it means killing the two kids. Customers will then be able to buy the car that best fits their favourite philosophical view. If more people buy the Tesla Egoist, you won’t be able to blame Tesla for that. After all. the customer is always right.

This is not a joke. In a pioneering 2015 study people were presented with a hypothetical scenario of a self-driving car about to run over several pedestrians. Most said that in such a case the car should save the pedestrians even at rhe price of killing its owner. When they were then asked whether they personally would buy a car programmed to sacrifice irs owner for the grearet good, most said no. For themselves, they would prefer the Tesla Egoist.

Imagine the situation: you have bought a new car, bur before you can start using it, you must open the settings menu and tick one of several boxes. In case of an accident, do you want the car to sacrifice your life - or to kill the family in the other vehicle? Is this a choice you even want to make? Just think of the arguments you are going to have with your husband about which box to tick.

So maybe the state should intervene to regulate the market, and lay down an ethical code binding all self-driving cars? Some lawmakers will doubtless be thrilled by the opportunity to finally make laws that are always followed to the letter. Other lawmakers may be alarmed by such unprecedented and totalitarian responsibility. After all, throughout history the limitations of law enforcement provided a welcome check on the biases, mistakes and excesses of lawmakers. It was an extremely lucky thing that laws against homosexuality and against blasphemy were only partially enforced. Do we really want a system in which the decisions of fallible politicians become as inexorable as gravity?

- Yuval Noah Harari, The philosophical car in 21 Lessons for the 21st century

[teonnaelliottart]

Artist Talk at Pendleton College

02/12/19

I gave an artist talk at pendleton college as the beginning of my residency there which will continue after christmas. The reason for beginning so soon was to correspond with the BTEC L3 first year lesson plans - they are currently thinking about university and portfolio presentation. As an ex student of pendleton college I was able to take in my own portfolio for them to see and it be relevant to their project.

The artist presentation I gave was an hour long and focused on my journey from my foundation course to now- including ang work experience I gathered along the way. In order to produce the presentation, I took inspiration from visiting lecturers at uni; for example Laura's times of events. I gave the students a short intro as to who I am and what I will be talking about before guiding them through a picture presentation and taking short intervals to discuss physical work I had taken with me. I tried to include little writing on the presentation to stop me from looking back at the power point too much - the writing I did include consisted of short bullet point guidance as to what each slide was about.

I was very nervous and noticed shaking in my voice towards the beginning of the presentation. The time period was 1 hour which is what I think made me most nervous, however feedback from tutor stuart Greenwood suggested that I paced the presentation well to fit the time slot. After the first few minutes I think I became more confident in myself and comfortable speaking with the students - its felt odd that I'm not much older than them. I made to sure to turn and make eye contact with the whole room throughout.

Overall I think the presentation went very well, particularly the question and answer at the end where I felt most comfortable talking with the students on a more personal level as the setting was less formal, gathered around a table.

[spiderjumper1]

Five Ways You May Reinvent Link Building Without Looking Like An Amateur

This makes backlinks an integral part of SEO. The same applies to your content and backlinks. Everyone wants contextually related hyperlinks from websites with a high domain rating (DR) that publish high-high quality content material. It's in your finest interest to do fast audits of all of the sites you plan to build hyperlinks on. So, what’s buy backlinks casino to build backlinks to your affiliate marketing site? Below is the SERP overview for “best seo tools” utilizing Ahrefs, a well-liked key phrase amongst affiliate marketers. However, for those who handle a site that has been round for a while, we suggest using natural traffic as a key indicator of site performance. Figuring out if a certain web page has any real energy to deliver some real traffic is not actually a straightforward activity. To keep away from these suspicious backlinks which have the power to wreak havoc throughout your site and domain rankings, you have to check your resources earlier than you hyperlink to them. For example, at Blue Water Marketing in Stuart, Fl., our sustainable white hat link building offers you the facility to rank greater and faster. Some black hat link building strategies embrace getting unqualified links from and taking part in Link farm, link schemes and Doorway page. That is the essential distinction between White Hat and Black Hat SEO. As opposed to that, Black Hat is all about chasing fast wins. Think about how many times you’ve typed an odd question into Google! For those who proceed to receive backlinks from the same webpage over and over, Google may think that you are participating in questionable techniques, and you could also be impacted negatively. It has a issue score of 78, which makes it laborious to rank for, especially if your DR shouldn't be in the identical vary with the websites on the primary page. As you've gotten already found out, the primary technique is all about constructing links naturally and legally. In the event you continue to play by Google's guidelines, the engine will not have any cause to rain throughout your parade. It has been confirmed time and again that anchor texts weigh heavily in Google's eyes. As talked about above, Google's predominant business is to fulfil consumer queries. Asking whether backlinks are still relevant for SEO is like asking if advertising and marketing continues to be crucial for a business to drive leads and gross sales. A superb hyperlink still has the flexibility to generate a significant variety of visits. Traffic nonetheless stays an essential issue for figuring out a sure link's quality. Occasionally, it's possible you'll come across websites with a seemingly good DR however whose visitors is almost non-existent. Judging by every little thing I wrote about above, it's solely natural to assume that dangerous/suspicious backlinks are people who come from irrelevant and untrusted sources. There are dozens of scenarios on how a shady backlink can find its means into your backlink portfolio. There are other ways to initiate contact - a simple content suggestion in a tweet mentioning them, a comment on a publish, or perhaps a direct message can be effective in engaging with influencers. Tighten your security to stop your site from hacking and spammy user-generated content material. And just as there are many ways you would possibly acquire backlinks, there are probably many various pages in your site that different websites can link to as nicely. There are greater than a couple of great instruments on the market that would help you determine if you have any suspicious hyperlinks in your backlink portfolio. So, the extra hyperlinks a site receives, the extra relevant it is in its area of expertise. Search engines use them as indicators to learn more about the location and page that is being linked via this particular phrase or phrase. Building local backlinks requires more outreach and hands-on effort, but the benefits your business can reap make it value your time and power! Comparison of Link Building Outreach Platforms - Outreach is core to link building. This manner you may see whether or not your earlier outreach actions, viral PR campaign, affiliate program or another form of selling cooperation ended in failure. Sure, this type of recreation plan requires much more time and effort earlier than you see any real results, but belief me - this is the way to do it. To see just how a lot time you can save by not having to doubt your every move, click on the button beneath. Don’t get hung up on the rankings a lot. Anchor texts actually affect rankings. If you need to achieve one thing through your anchor texts, you need to give attention to the overall relevancy of the text and the hyperlink you're tying together. If you wish to catch the large fish, you may must roll up your sleeves.

[phantom-le6]

Film Re-Review - Star Trek: Nemesis

As I’m very much feeling a case of Trek fatigue at the moment, and because I’ve been neglecting other projects to focus on completing these reviews, I’ve decided to make this weekend a quick two-for-one posting weekend, and I present my re-review for the fourth and final TNG movie.  For those now following me on Tumblr who don’t see my posts on Facebook regarding these reviews, just to let you know this won’t be the last bit of Trek I do. I did Deep Space Nine years ago when I used to post my reviews on Facebook, and while I’m not aiming to repost those reviews, I am planning to review the Voyager series after I take a break with some non-Trek films and the Batman animated series.  Also, in the very short term I’ll be making up lost time on some novel prep, so if my posts are bit infrequent for a little while, don’t worry.  Now, with that bit of house-keeping out of the way, let’s have a look at Nemesis.

Plot (as given by Wikipedia):

During a session of the Romulan Imperial Senate, the military offers the plans to join forces with the Reman military and invade the Federation, but the Praetor refuses. As such a green thalaron radiation mist is released into the room by the military and everyone is killed. Meanwhile, the crew of the USS Enterprise-E prepares to bid farewell to long time first officer Commander William Riker and Counselor Deanna Troi, who are soon to be married on Betazed. En route, they discover a positronic energy reading on a planet in the Kolaran system near the Romulan Neutral Zone. Captain Jean-Luc Picard, Lieutenant Commander Worf, and Lieutenant Commander Data land on Kolarus III and discover the remnants of an android resembling Data. When the android is reassembled it reveals its name is B-4, and the crew deduce he is a less advanced earlier version of Data.

 Vice Admiral Kathryn Janeway orders the crew to conduct a diplomatic mission to Romulus. Janeway informs Picard that the Romulan government has undergone a military coup and is now controlled by a Reman named Shinzon, saying he wants peace with the Federation and to bring freedom to Remus. This is a surprising development as the Romulans had regarded Remans as an undesirable caste used principally as slave labour and shock troops during the Dominion War, due to their long history of prejudice.

 Upon their arrival on Romulus, the crew learns that Shinzon is actually a clone of Picard, following a secret experiment conducted by the Romulans to take Picard's place in Starfleet as a spy; however, he and the project were abandoned after a political change in the Romulan government left him cast away to Remus as a slave. It is there that he meets his Reman brethren and effects his rise to power. It was also on Remus where Shinzon constructed his flagship, a heavily armed warship named Scimitar, with a completely undetectable cloaking device, an arsenal of weapons, and virtually impregnable shields.

 Though the diplomatic mission seems to go smoothly, the crew discovers that the Scimitar is emitting low levels of extremely dangerous thalaron radiation (the same radiation used to assassinate the Romulan senate), several unauthorized computer accesses take place aboard the Enterprise, and Troi is mentally attacked by Shinzon while she is having sex with Riker. Shinzon captures Picard for reasons he does not make clear, though later Dr Beverly Crusher informs Picard that Shinzon is slowly dying from the accelerated ageing from his cloning process, and thus needs Picard's blood to live. Shinzon also transports B-4 aboard the Scimitar, revealing that Shinzon was behind the placing of B-4 on Kolarus III in order to lure Picard to Romulus. However, the B-4 Shinzon transported is actually Data posing as B-4 — he rescues Picard and they make their escape back to their ship. Realizing that the Scimitar is a weaponized thalaron emitter with enough power to destroy all life forms in a fleet of ships as well as an entire planet, Data deduces that Shinzon is using the warship to conquer the Federation and destroy Earth.

 The Enterprise races back towards Federation space, but is soon ambushed by the Scimitar, disabling the Enterprise's warp drive in the process. In the ensuing assault, the Enterprise is outmatched. Two Romulan warbirds arrive and assist in the assault, but Shinzon destroys one warbird and disables the other. Refocusing his attention on Picard, Shinzon further damages the Enterprise.

 Refusing to surrender, Picard uses his heavily damaged ship to ram the Scimitar, causing moderate damage including disabling the disrupter banks. Shinzon then initializes the Scimitar's thalaron weapon in a desperate attempt to take the Enterprise down with him. Picard boards the vessel alone and faces Shinzon. Unable to prevent the weapon's activation, Picard kills Shinzon by impaling him through the abdomen with part of a metallic support strut. Data arrives with a single-use personal transporter, using it to quickly beam the captain back to the Enterprise before destroying the ship at the cost of his life, shutting down the weapon in the process.

 While the severely damaged Enterprise is under repair in a space dock in Earth orbit, Picard bids farewell to newly promoted Captain Riker who is off to command the USS Titan, to begin a true peace negotiation mission with Romulus. Picard then meets with android B-4, whereupon he discovers that Data had succeeded in copying the engrams of his neural net into B-4's positronic matrix not long before his death.

Review:

Having re-watched Nemesis, and then looking back at how I reviewed it originally when I was considering these films just as a film series, I can’t say my feeling about this instalment in the franchise has really changed much.  It’s not the best TNG film, but I think some of the negative rep it has gained isn’t deserved.  Only some, mind; I have to agree that the film was a bit too dark in places, especially the ‘psychic rape’ scene Troi is subjected to mid-film.  Not only was that excessively dark in the film that had little light to it, but the show had already done this kind of thing before, albeit more metaphorically.  It wasn’t necessary and spoke to the fact that the director Stuart Baird was the wrong choice.  Frakes, or failing him another Trek actor-turned-director like Stewart or Burton, should have been at the helm.  Baird’s poor performance as director proves that Trek is best handled ‘in-house’ when it comes to behind the camera talent.

 Now as to what makes Nemesis good, I’m going to begin by quoting a couple of paragraphs from my original review;

“So, what is it that makes Nemesis a good film? Well, aside from quality action and special effects, the plot examines issues relevant in modern society, which of course is what the best of Trek always does.  In this case, Picard and Data are confronted by would-be duplicates of themselves in the characters of Shinzon and B-4, and this brings up the issue of whether or not we’re seeing two of each character or four separate characters. In essence, Picard facing his clone is a metaphor for our current-day issue of whether cloning is acceptable, whether such a science robs us of our individuality or not.

 Of course, the answer is it doesn’t – as Data points out in one scene, B-4 and Shinzon lack the desire to better themselves possessed by Picard and Data.  For all their similarities, too much about the circumstances in which each character was created and raised is different for them to be the same, and the same applies to any clone.  If you cloned an adult, that clone would have to go through their own childhood, and the difference in environment, from the people in their life to the culture they’re exposed to, would be too different from what the DNA donor experienced growing up, and consequently you would end up with a new, different individual. Cloning may produce a genetic replica of someone, but it can never replicate someone in their entirety, can never copy that which makes any one person truly unique.”

 The film also brings a lot of closure to the TNG franchise, which is strange considering a fifth TNG film was supposed to be in development at the same time Nemesis was in production.  Riker’s promoted and off on the Titan with Troi, Data sacrifices himself, and I can’t really see B4 as a substitute Data, nor Riker serving under Picard now that they’re the same rank.  To do a fifth film with just the TNG cast, you’d have to demote Riker and either not use Data at all or pull off some last-minute cross-time beam-out on Data.  However, it seems that the fifth film might have included more alumni from the spin-off shows, and that’s an idea that I think could have worked.  In fact, at some point I really want to try and write my own version of such a story, because I think Trek hasn’t really capitalised on its own cross-over potential much down the years.

 In terms of Data’s part in the story, I think he gets a good ending to his story within the world of Trek.  Self-sacrifice for friends, family, duty and the service of a worthy cause are one of the defining attributes of humanity, and given that Data has always been about exploring the human condition, it is fitting that he goes out in the most human way imaginable.  However, some aspects of his story are somewhat flawed in terms of continuity.  First, we find a random brother of Data’s and what does the crew do?  Do they stop and think ‘hang on, we don’t know anything about this android, let’s give it a real work over’?  No, they just reassemble it, which in the series was exactly how the crew was almost destroyed by Data’s other brother Lore.  Picard’s crew must have a flat line for a learning curve to have not learned the error of their ways by now.

 Second, this film makes absolutely no reference to Data’s emotion chip, something all of the past three movies did to some extent. In Generations it was a key plot point, and in First Contact, while in Insurrection it got one mention before presenting a point of inconsistency in Spiner’s performance as Data.  In this film, it’s neither heard from nor seen, and it seems annoying that Data’s final appearance essentially regresses him to an earlier point in his evolution as a character.  Even more disappointing is that he never got to return to any concepts that failed in the series because he lacked the emotion chip.  A proper Data romance of some kind would have been nice to see in the TNG films before he was killed off, for example.

 On the plus side, the film doesn’t lack in terms of the quality of its guest cast; you’ve got Whoopi Goldbery and Wil Weaton giving their final performances as Guinan and Wesley Crusher, for starters, as well as Kathryn Janeway from Voyager making an appearance.  Add to that a brief appearance by Alan Dale and the inclusions of such notable actors as Tom Hardy (then at the start of his acting career), Ron Perlman (he of Hellboy and Blade II fame, among other things) and Dina Meyer (who I mainly know from Starship Troopers and guest-appearances on Friends and NCIS), and it’s a decent compliment to line up alongside the main TNG cast.

 However, all the great casting in the world and all the wonderful issue exploration that is the heart of good Trek can fully redeem Nemesis.  Leaving aside outside factors like releasing alongside the fourth of the Brosnan Bond films and the second Harry Potter and Lord of The Rings films, the film is mostly undone by writing flaws and a bad choice of director.  I also think it’s strange that instead of putting the failure of Nemesis down to all of this, the powers-that-be further linked in the poor performance of prequel series Enterprise and the previous TNG film to conclude it was a case of ‘franchise fatigue’.  With the correct writers and directors, and if Trek had moved forward with its shows instead trying to regress backwards with a pre-Kirk series, not to mention a better choice of release date, more Trek could easily have been done and accepted gladly.  This wasn’t franchise fatigue; it was creative blunders plain and simple.  For me, Nemesis scored 8 out of 10 originally, and while I am inclined to mark it down this time, I only do so to 7 out of 10.

[chryso71]

Module: ILN2001 2020/21

Research Project

Chryso Yiallouridou

Introverts-Extroverts-Ambiverts

Today we live in a time where extrovert culture dominates our lives. It is a “celebrity-centric”, “model-centric”, and “presenter-centric” world where “outgoingness” reigns (Ahsan, 2019, p.29). The principles of the extrovert culture require people to be loud, bossy, bold, active, fun and adventurous. The goal is to be popular, to be liked, to be visible, to show a “know-it-all” personality, to… brand yourself. Small talk dominates over substantial conversation, false happiness and forced friendliness are ever present, bragging and excessive consumerism are the norm (Ahsan, 2019). People are judged by superficial criteria: their looks, their (pretend) hobbies, the stuff they buy, the way they spend their leisure time. Cain talks about the rise of the “Extrovert Ideal”, or the “omnipresent belief that the ideal self is gregarious, alpha and comfortable in the spotlight” (Cain, 2013, p.4). She explains that our cultural focus on extroversion has made introversion a second-class personality trait, “somewhere between a disappointment and a pathology” (Cain, 2013, p. 4). We learn to idolize the charismatic, outspoken, assertive, confident person and devalue the soft-spoken, quiet, reflective, reserved person.

In this world of extrovert tyranny, being an introvert is considered an insult. Introverted people are being oppressed, stigmatized, and forced to become loud and extroverted. They suffer “bullying, humiliation, exploitation, erasure, exclusion, alienation, discrimination, epistemic violence and disadvantage at the hands of the global system of Extrovert-Supremacism” (Ahsan, 2019, p.14). For many introverts, the pressure to conform to a culture of extroversion has costs for their mental and physical health, their personal lives, and their sense of integrity and authenticity in terms of the choices they have to make everyday. “Research suggests that acting falsely extroverted can lead to stress, burnout, and cardiovascular disease.” (Cain, 2012, p.22). Many social events for introverts are simply exhausting. Most of them are characterized by social rules that require you to “keep calm and carry on talking”. Everywhere extroverts are moving around at ease, making small talk, and laughing in clusters while the introverts are smiling weakly, nodding their heads, hunching their shoulders, and struggling just to find one person with whom they can be comfortable with.

Cain (2013) also states that most characters in teen sitcoms have clear extroverted personalities that make them popular and successful. Introverted characters in these movies and TV shows are portrayed as socially awkward and undesirable. These shows present only stereotypical portrayals of introverts as powerless and pathetic. The story usually emphasizes how introverted kids are trying to change in order to be more popular. The media’s underrepresentation or almost total omission of marginal social groups is defined as “symbolic annihilation” (Tuchman, 1979). Tuchman divided symbolic annihilation into three aspects: omission, trivialization and condemnation. Teen sitcoms have all three of these characteristics (Zhou, 2017). They either completely omit these characters, or present them in the most trivial roles (like the satellites of the shining extrovert stars), or condemn them as pitiful and pathetic. In her research, Zhou found that the representations of extroverts and introverts in these shows put extroverts in more powerful roles and the introverts in more passive and powerless roles. “Protagonists in contemporary teen sitcoms fit the criteria of extroversion: they are energetic, social, confident go-getters that live a glamorous, independent, exciting lifestyle and tend to have outsized personalities” (Zhou, 2017, p.28). According to Stuart Hall, representation gives a group of people their public identity; it teaches people how to read, evaluate, and understand a group of people and shows how relevant and important they are in society (Zhou, 2017). Therefore, the symbolic annihilation of introverted characters implies that introverted people are not worthy of appreciation and that extroverted behaviors are the acceptable norm in society.

Similarly, social media reflect a similar pattern. They encourage people to present a sense of self that is typically, bold, exciting, sociable, and outgoing. Social networking sites, like Facebook, Instagram, TikTok, YouTube and others have provided a space for young people to share information about themselves with other users (and brag about how many “likes” they got). In these websites people control the image they present by selecting specific pictures of themselves smiling around friends or videos that most of the time are deliberately recorded showing themselves engaging in hobbies they never really take up. This is the ideal world for extroverts. They now have a worldwide audience and a technological device that helps them to manage the impressions that others make about them.

But let’s get things from the start. About 100 years ago Carl Jung suggested the most important distinction between personalities and defined extroversion/introversion from a psychological perspective (Jung, 1921). According to Jung, extroverts concentrate their interest on the external world (people and activities outside of them). They draw energy from social interaction, and they tend to be outspoken and sociable. They are friendly and sometimes impulsive, they love crowds, excitement, and risk-taking. Introverts focus on the internal. They find social interactions draining, and they need time alone to recharge. They value inner life, silence, contemplation, reflective solitude, intimate company, tranquility, peace (Ahsan, 2019, p. 15). If you’d ever decide to look at things through an introvert’s perspective, you’ll see that they spend their time learning new things, studying or even taking care of others. Nevertheless, they will never be considered as the “alpha” of their group but their roles are equally important (if not more important sometimes). Precisely because they don’t rush into conclusions, they can be wise and think with a clear mind. The phrase “think before you speak” could have even been created by an introvert herself addressing an extrovert.

Although extroversion and introversion are psychological terms, these concepts are used by ordinary people who label others based on their behavior and body language. This can lead to a lot of myths about how extroverts and introverts behave. One common myth is that introversion equals shyness. But, as Cain reminds us, “Shyness and introversion are not the same thing. Shyness is the fear of negative judgement, and introversion is a preference for quiet, minimally stimulating environments” (Cain 2012, p.7). You could be a shy extrovert or a bold introvert. Why do people tend to link shyness with introverts? First, because to the outside world, shyness and introversion seem to be the same thing, and second, because our society is against both traits. In addition, a shy person that was once an extrovert, could slowly become an introvert since life experience usually changes people towards being more quieter and self-contained and less in need of excitement. Take for example the stereotypes that we have created about introverts: we label them depressed and afraid to “seize the day”, go on adventures, take risks and speak up for themselves. These stereotypes do not exactly imply an active guy who likes to go out and experience life (and who also happens to be an introvert and enjoy spending time by himself). Being an introvert has a lot to do with being mentally engaged with your inner world and very little (if not nothing) to do with being shy or depressed.

A second misperception of introverts is that they are often considered asocial. Introverts tend to make friends more slowly than extroverts and extroverts tend to make friends more quickly (kind of like going swimming in early May; some will go into the water inch by inch and others will run and dive into the icy water straight with their head first). However, when you find yourself having a small friendly conversation with a neighbor or better yet, a random stranger (a barista, a cashier), even though it may cause positive feelings it doesn’t necessarily mean that you should be forced to party or socialize with them more often; too much of that could feel exhausting for someone who is an introvert. It should be clarified though that just because introverts get overwhelmed around many people this doesn’t stop them from having fun, learning and engaging in all sorts of activities. They are completely capable of experiencing the state of “flow”, as Csikszentmihalyi defined it, “when you feel totally engaged in an activity — whether long-distance swimming, song-writing, or ocean sailing. In a state of flow, you’re neither bored nor anxious, and you don’t question your own adequacy.” (Cain, 2012, p.23). Besides that, nobody doubts that introverts are perfectly able to develop nurturing relationships with their family and close friends, and spending time with loved ones is never exhausting and it doesn’t make anyone feel socially drained. As Cain put it, “If you don’t cast your social net too wide, you’re more likely to cast it deep — which your friends and family will appreciate.” (2012 p.25).

Interestingly, Jung also said that all of us have both sides, but one side is more dominant than the other. Well, this detail was missed, and until recently, psychologists and behavioral scientists divided the world into these two opposite types of people. Today the conversation shifted to include a third personality type, that of the ambivert. Petric states that introversion and extroversion “are part of a single, continuous dimension of personality. Most of the personalities can be measured somewhere between two extremities. The most adaptive personality traits have ambiverts, because they exhibit both introversion and extraversion, depending on the situation”. An ambivert is someone who has qualities of both personality types and can switch from one to the other depending on their mood, the circumstances they are in and their goals. Ambiverts, Bernstein (2015) notes, are like being “bilingual”. They speak both languages of introversion and extroversion. They can move between being social or being solitary, speak up or listen carefully, and turn inward or go outward according to the situation. If you think about it, aren’t we all ambiverts? Haven’t we all found ourselves at times feeling good around other people and at times wanting to crawl into a cocoon and disappear? An introvert may be reserved around strangers but can be highly energetic or even bossy (see my sister) around certain people (family, close friends, or their partner). An extrovert may enjoy being around others but there are times when even those hyperactive types need time alone to recharge. Introvert, ambivert and extrovert constitute a spectrum of personality traits rather than clear-cut personality types. In any case, both Cain (2013) and Ahsan (2019) challenge us to recognize and celebrate the unique qualities of introverts and give them space to flourish and find a voice.

References

Ahsan, H. (2019). Shy Radicals: The Antisystemic Politics of the Militant Introvert. Book Works.

Bernstein, Elizabeth. "Not an introvert, not an extrovert? You may be an ambivert." Wall Street Journal (2015).

Cain, S. (2012). The power of introverts. TED: Ideas Worth Spreading.

Cain, S. (2013). Quiet: The power of introverts in a world that can't stop talking. Broadway Books.

Jung, C. G. (1921). Psychologische typen. Rascher.

Petric, Domina. "Introvert, Extrovert and Ambivert."

Tuchman, G. (1979). Women's depiction by the mass media. Signs: Journal of Women in Culture and Society, 4(3), 528-542.

Zhou, Y. (2017). Are Introverts invisible? A Textual Analysis of how the Disney and Nickelodeon Teen Sitcoms Reflect the Extrovert Ideal.

[aion-rsa]

The Falcon and the Winter Soldier Episode 5: Marvel and MCU Easter Eggs

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This article contains The Falcon and the Winter Soldier episode 5 spoilers, and possibly more for future episodes and the wider MCU.

The Falcon and the Winter Soldier episode 5, “Truth,” is another somewhat transitional episode for the series. Big action at the beginning, some heartbreaking reveals in the middle, and then plenty of bonding and moving pieces around for the finale for the rest of the episode. Oh yeah, and one absolutely awesome use of The Meters’ “Hey Pocky A-Way.”

Anyway, let’s dig into the MCU and Marvel Comics references we’ve found so far. And remember, if you spot anything we missed, let us know in the comments!

“Truth”

The episode title is taken from Truth: Red, White, and Black, the 2003 miniseries that introduced the concept of Isaiah Bradley and told his tragic story. It references those events extensively, too…

Isaiah Bradley

Much of what Isaiah recounts to Sam during their heart-to-heart is very similar to the events of Truth: Red, White, and Black. Here, we assume that the events described took place approximately during the Korean War rather than World War II, but the effect is the same, and equally horrific. Things ended differently and perhaps even more tragically for Isaiah in the comics, where a combination of the serum and years of experimentation left him barely functional.

Isaiah makes mention of the “Red Tails”, which was the nickname for Tuskegee Airmen, a group of primarily Black fighter pilots in World War II. Despite fighting for the U.S. military, they were subject to racism within the army and in civilian life.

Presumably, the woman writing him letters while he was imprisoned is Faith Shabazz, who was his wife in the comics and similarly never gave up on him. However, there she survived to see his release, while in the MCU, she didn’t.

Sam’s visits to Isaiah stand in stark contrast to how this played out in the comics, when it was Steve who learned about Isaiah and came to honor him, but by then Isaiah’s mind was gone.

John Walker

When fighting Walker, Falcon and Bucky nearly snapped his arm right off in order to remove the shield. Understandably, Walker spent much of the episode with his arm in a sling. In the comics, Walker had a more dire arm injury, losing both an arm and a leg in a fight against Nuke (who we saw a version of on Jessica Jones). During this time, Walker refused any cybernetic replacements and instead resigned himself to a wheelchair. Not that it hindered him, as he was still able to kick ass as the warden of the Raft.

The fight with John taking on Sam and Bucky simultaneously feels like another inversion from Captain America: Civil War, where Steve and Bucky fight Iron Man. The end of it, with Sam reluctantly picking up the bloodstained shield, is one of the most powerful images in MCU history.

In the comics, Walker wasn’t permanently stripped of his Captain America role after killing (which he did in gruesome fashion, to the tune of several members of the extremist Watchdogs group after they murdered his parents). In fact the government even tried to help cover it up for a while, and temporarily put a leash on him. They did formally take the title from him a little later, but it was specifically to give it back to Steve Rogers, who initially refused before Walker himself prevailed upon Cap to take up the shield again. In any case, Walker suffers more consequences here than most authority figures do when they find themselves in the public eye for doing the wrong thing…

Holy moley, Wyatt Russell sure sounds EXACTLY like his dad Kurt during that Court-Martial scene. In particular, his line about “not like I’m gonna disappear” is a nice acknowledgment that John Walker is probably going to have a future in the MCU as U.S. Agent.

Speaking of which…

Julia Louis-Dreyfus as Contessa Valentine Allegra de Fontaine

Your eyes do not deceive you, that is the brilliant Julia Louis-Dreyfus (Seinfeld, Veep) as Jim Steranko creation Contessa Valentine Allegra de Fontaine. She sure does appear to be doing some recruitment here, and with word that she’s also appearing in Black Widow, we get the feeling this means she’s putting together a team of her own. Dark Avengers and/or Thunderbolts, here we come! We wrote more about that intriguing possibility here.

Interestingly enough, the “legal gray area” she refers to about Captain America’s shield not belonging to the government is in fact a detail from the pages of Marvel Comics. It’s one of the things that led to Steve having to give up the title of Captain America (along with the shield) and that opened the door for John Walker to take over. Although the argument the government used at the time was that the costume and shield had been designed by employees of the federal government, and thus those belonged to them, and that technically Steve had never been discharged from the Army. Presumably, the “legal grey area” here may have something to do with Steve’s disappearance and resurrection and/or how the government may have cut ties with former organizations like the SSR (which later became SHIELD) after it was revealed they had been infiltrated by HYDRA. Or something like that.

Zemo

After a quick escape from the Dora Milaje, Zemo visits the Sokovian memorial he mentioned to Sam and Bucky in episode 4. It seems he knew that he wouldn’t get far, and had accepted he’d be back behind bars imminently. The fact that we’re disappointed to see him exit says a lot about Daniel Bruhl’s acting throughout the series, though we doubt we’ve seen the last of the charismatic character.

Zemo’s philosophical conversation with Sam about his scorched earth policy on supersoldiers in episode 4 pays off in our main duo’s favor in episode 5 when Zemo reveals he no longer has any interest in killing Bucky. Bucky then proves to Zemo that he has become much more than the Winter Soldier, but not before giving him a scare that quickly becomes relief, then disappointment when Bucky reveals there are no bullets in his gun. The Raft better have some good therapists, or this man’s gonna change up his reading material from Machiavelli to Zapffe. [Please stop inserting these philosophy references into our Easter eggs – Ed] [No <3 – Kirsten]

Sam Wilson

We’re explicitly told that Steve revealed his retirement plans to Bucky before he went back in time to replace the Infinity Stones in Avengers: Endgame. Bucky apologizes, saying that neither he or Steve fully thought through the ramifications of passing on the shield to Sam. 

It looks like Bucky had the Wakandans make Sam a custom Captain America suit. If you haven’t seen it yet (the toys have already been on the shelves), all we’re gonna say is that it’s genuinely one of the coolest superhero costume designs of the modern era. You can see it here if you want, we just don’t want to spoil it for those who are really waiting. Sam’s gonna look great in the red, white, and blue.

Torres is the New Falcon?

Sam tells Torres to keep his old, broken wings. It seems inevitable that Torres will fix ‘em up, as in the pages of Marvel Comics he becomes the new Falcon. 

Batroc

Looks like we’re gonna get a rematch with Batroc (ze leaper!!!) in the final episode of the series. Sam also took on Batroc in one of his first adventures as Captain America, in the pages of All-New Captain America by Rick Remender and Stuart Immonen. More Batroc is good for everyone, but more relevant to that series and what’s coming next.

Is Sharon Carter the Power Broker?

So Sharon got Batroc out of jail and is helping to connect him with the Flag-Smashers…for some reason. So either she’s the Power Broker (as everyone has suspected) or this is a fakeout and she’s just doing this to manipulate Sam into picking up the shield and becoming Captain America. Maybe she’s doing that with Steve’s blessing?

Also, the painting that we see when we first flash to Sharon’s lair is the painting that Bucky smashes through in the flashback in E1, I think. 

The GRC

The GRC is tasked with resettling 20 million…MILLION refugees worldwide. Would anyone care to guess how many refugees were resettled worldwide in the entire world at the all-time peak in 2016? 189,000.

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[grad701-katie-shepherd]

Formative Feedback

Negative/dumb

Note 1 Branding is cool, but a little standard – is there a way to make it pop/more contemporary? Is Bauhaus overused? Will you include all-gender toilets? The dash marketing is a good avenue!   Social media is a good outcome. Merch is cool but can you be more original? See the Gen Less tote bag/backpack.   Sketches are cool! Clear. AT lite; ooh nice logo!   Commute: it takes me 1 – 1.5 hrs to get from Glen Eden to AUT on bus/train/bus. Not too bad; faster in some ways than car. Agree need more trains, trams, or light rail etc. Investigation: excellent focus question. Have you seen the murals on the trains? Stop, look, listen by Floc etc.

Note 2 Would love a light rail. Designing and selling merch where 100% of the profits go towards the construction of the rail will not bode well with 90% of residents and would piss a lot of people off. Taxpayer dollars are already spent towards these projects and people who are hardworking will not spend their additional leftover income on this. Particularly when transport projects are always delayed, and the cost is always more than the proposed budget. Shouldn’t the t-shirts go toward a social initiative? Or something that’s giving back to the communities.  

Note 3   In a design sense, would it not be more beneficial to create a new logo/company as Auckland's transport, rather than slapping ‘Lite’ at the end”?

Note 4 So, you’re advertising an already planned council project? What part of the visuals are authentically your own? The logo and visuals of maps and trains are council property, aren’t they? BE CAREFUL WITH PLAGERISM!!!

Note 5 How are you working around the expanse of the money issue? It would close much more than people could give, and would the money end up towards the train?

Note 6 Seems to be quite similar to AT. Perhaps you could use another name with the same idea? Love the designs!  

Note 7 Auckland topography (landscape) has so many hills and dips, how would you work around this? Also, areas of land/under buildings aren’t structurally sound to move Research that for more blog posts, haha :)

Constructive Feedback

Note 1 “Stuart Hall. Talks beautifully about modernism in terms of society.”

Note 2   “Instead of Bauhaus a very European and German design style why not make decisions to incorporate NZ landscape/Maori designs/patterns to make it unique and different to the rest of the world.”

Note 3   “Paula Scher did New York train lines  - interesting and timeless designs” “Clean design and very well thought out campaign.” “helpful to have all output supporting each other”

Note 4 “Possibly make sure you identify if this is your personal campaign or a contribution towards the pre-existing light rail project”

Note 5 Could make the train more colourful.

Note 6 Really need to sell it to people.

Note 7 Essential to locate in the now – the lauding and the collective information. Selling the idea to the public on getting funded How are you asking the population to participate? What do you want to know from the audience? Have you seen the train signage for the stop and look campaign? Collaboration with artists? An idea is to bring nature into the design of the trains, showing kiwis it’s a more eco way of traveling.

Note 8   Make sure that the designs are completely different to refresh the appeal to the new train love the app idea.

Note 9   Way finding could investigate augmented reality.  

Note 10 And the film on Helvetica that shows NY subway.

Note 11 If you use “...” you need a page to reference it properly

Note 12 Check the brand and infographics of London underground.

Note 13 Check if it is not too much in terms of outcomes it is quite a lot. Have you reached out to AT? They will have lots of info to help you and permission to use their logo. The outcomes are very thought through and cover all important aspects and some fun additions like the app.

Note 14 Agreed! Taking the bus takes so long! Really like your proposed visual styleHave you contacted the team working on the lite rail? They might give you some interesting insights.

Note 15  It’s easy to say that AT-lite will be more reliable and efficient but how can you make people believe this? Maybe through experiments from the game/app”

Positive Feedback

Note 1 Good job on the thorough research. As someone who often uses public transport, I’m very interested in your project. Looking forward to the final outcome.

Note 2 Really like the Bauhaus inspiration + look of your campaign – really well thought out.

Note 3 Well thought out project; the different design artefacts will work well together. Bauhaus style will work well with the goal for the project.

Note 4 Love the imagery and motion graphics

Note 5 I really like the combination of transport to design

Note 6 I really like the logo ideas.  

Note 7 Great concept sketches. Love that you guys went in depth with what you will be creating. Allows audience to understand well. It’s smart how you’ve used a simple, clean art movement for your aesthetic.

Note 8  Love the topic, Auckland Transport sucks and needs to be improved. I liked the poster series of the trains getting closer – simple but eye catching. Very professional looking.

Note 9 “Very well thought out design outcomes, can’t wait to see them.”

Note 10 “Very creative idea :)”

Note 11 “Presentation was super clear and well laid out, great topic and choice of artefacts.”

Note 12 “Well contextualised and good research.”

Note 13 “Love the design problem. Great way to give yourselves a nice baseline for design but also has enough gaps for you to design for.”

Note 14 “Very interesting, you are idealists, and the world needs more people like you.”

Note 15 “Cody, you opened well!!”

Note 16 “Well planned presentation, all of you spoke concisely and confident.”

Note 17 “Bauhaus design I think will work very well with your topic and help all your artefacts look cohesive.”

Note 18 “Wooow, I wish public transport was faster and more reliable. Sometimes it takes me nearly 3 hours to get home from uni. Love living in Pukekohe :) Your campaign looks like it is going to be sick! All of your inspo looks cool. Can’t really think of any feedback, just make sure you don’t over commit yourself, so you are happy with your final outcomes!”

Note 19  “Love the examples of driving times from each area.Like how you had graphs as part of your research.

Note 20 Love how you included logo design development + storyboards.Love the train wrap idea!

Note 21 Like how you’re using Bauhaus as inspiration”.

Note 22 “Great research! Really supporting why you chose to undertake this project.

Note 23 “Great research. Easy to understand”

Group Reflection

As a group, we organised and discussed the different areas of feedback for which we received.

In terms of negative feedback, there were some concerns around the overused nature of Bauhaus. However, our research supports our decision for this influence given its success throughout history and within railway designs around the globe. There was a suggestion to possibly look into more Maori native patterns and relate it more to NZ culture. Currently there is a lot of Maori culture used as a differentiation point for branding and systems in New Zealand however so we feel that perhaps our researched visual approach could be more refreshing and applicable. This could still be further discussed. And/or investigated if deemed relevant at a later stage (future thinking?). There was also some additional negative feedback, which we discussed; however, this was possibly feedback coming from a place where there was a lack of understanding.

There was then also feedback around our branding and how it would sit alongside AT. There was nervousness for the possible plagiarism of their branding, confusion around whether we were a separate brand/campaign to this system etc. We have considered this in-depth and made the decision to sit as an integrated brand with AT given the credibility it would give the brand. Additionally, the system plan is already existing, and it sits with AT so to ensure that our project is feasible we are approaching it in this way. Furthermore, we also believe there may have been some miscommunication where some of our peers may have thought the logo, we presented was the existing branding for AT lite when in fact it was logo we are currently developing. “In a design sense, would it not be more beneficial to create a new logo/company as Auckland's transport, rather than slapping ‘Lite’ at the end”?

Additionally, some feedback questioned the engagement of the logo as well as how considered simply “slapping lite on the end of AT” was. However, this was a researched approach based on existing AT branding methods e.g. AT. Metro etc. Additionally, there is the presence of an icon, which was not emphasised enough in our presentation. It is currently still in development, and this will be considered. There was only a couple of negative comments around the branding however, which allowed them to be heavily overweighed by the considered positive feedback around the same things. Additionally, we take confidence in our supporting research and development for our approach still.  

Feedback also raised the concept of feasibility. It asked us to consider the infostructure around the topographical landscape of Auckland as well as how we could ensure the system is faster etc. However, this is something we originally began approaching in the early stages only to realise, based on extensive research, feedback, and discussion, to be an approach, which is not so applicable for us Graphic Designers. Hence, we are well research in taking an approach of campaigning and branding around getting people to engage with this new system. The operational nature and funding are a responsibility held by Auckland Transport. This is currently just a concept that will be developed over the coming five years.

Despite the negative/constructive feedback given above, there was still an overwhelming amount of support for our project. People recognised the need for improvement to Auckland’s transport systems, discussing with us their own negative experiences with travel within the city. They felt we were well research with a clear focus point, and many appreciated the Bauhaus influence and basis for our projects visual approach. There was a lot of enjoyment for the range of design outcomes and how they would interconnect.

Moving forward, there are some additional points of reference/interest suggested to us as bullet-pointed below:

- Paula Scher - New York train lines and their interesting and timeless design - Stuart Hall - talks beautifully about modernism in terms of society - Helvetica film that shows NY subway - Brand and infographics of London underground - Reaching out to AT and/or the team currently working on the light rail -  -  -(something we are already currently considering)  - Investigation of augmented reality for wayfinding - Train signage for the stop and look campaign - collaboration with artists like Flox

Overall, the feedback we received for our formative presentation was supportive and encouraging for us moving forward, providing us with possible points of research and design direction.

[itsafanficthing]

Night Demons - Chapter Ten

Masterlist

Confusion, hurt, angry, everything was flooding through her and she hated it. Hate. While pain was tearing her apart she recognized the joy in finding some small part of her humanity came back. She could feel, and while it was pain, it was something. Slowly she started to drift toward sleep again, desolation, sadness, pain, she let it wash over her in waves and her body slowly relaxed into sleep again.

Fourteen days. Fourteen days left on her contract. Stuart had come by in the morning, trying to change her mind about the full time role. Her agency had called her and encouraged her to take the job. Fourteen days and she could leave this behind her. The email from Harry still sat unread in her inbox, the rest of her work completed, replied sent and saved. Still that one email remained as she refused to open it. Propping her chin in her palm she started to scroll through rental property’s in Scotland. It was close enough to her home, but it would be good to get out of the country, at least for a while. Or at least, it was a good escape until she could figure out if the feelings that had returned to her last night were temporary, or if they really were coming back. She’d woken in the morning feeling nothing once more, believing it to be a temporary moment, however, seeing the unread email from Harry brought a flush of embarrassment, brief joy followed but an intense anxiety; perhaps not as temporary as she had first thought. She quickly sent a few enquiry emails for some rental, before she started looking for jobs. Heavy footsteps, which could only belong to Richard, marched their way towards her door. She quickly closed the browser and opened the PR brief she was correcting. Not bothering to knock, Richard swung the door open with force, that it dearly bounced off the wall and slammed back in his face. He stood silently huffing and puffing before she looked up at him slowly.

“Richard.” Her voice a soft purr, “What can I do for you?”

She watched the momentary confusion cloud his eyes as her tone muddled him, replaced quickly with a jolt of anger.

“What’s this about a full time job?” He demanded, his voice one level above hissing the words at her.

“I don’t know.” She replied calmly, putting down her pen and folding her hands neatly on the desk in front of her. “What is this about a full time job?”

Richard let out a heavy sigh, as though he was willing himself to be calm (not that it had ever worked any of the other times he had tried this) and continued. “I’ve just had Andrew and Grant from up-stairs come and ask me why you aren’t accepting the position. I didn’t even know there was a position.” She could see flecks of angry red and purple beginning in his cheeks as he subconsciously admitted that he had been kept out of the loop.

She sighed slightly; she knew this conversation was going to happen, she just hadn’t realized it would come so soon after an offer.

“I don’t want the job.” She answered honestly, briefly sighing as she answered.

“And you didn’t think to tell me about it?” Richard was seething; she could see that. She wondered what was going to be the best way to calm him down and stroke his ego without actually having to deal with him.

“It was offered to me yesterday.” Her tone was short and clipped, only a fool would ask more questions. “I turned it down,” she continued lightly, “I didn’t think it was necessary to involve you.”

Richard took a step back, as if he had been slapped. She looked at him expectantly, patiently waiting for him to say something. He paused, as if deciding his words, before he scoffed shaking his head and once more left her in peace.

 The day passed quickly, with little interaction from Richard. Some brief emails back and forth as she organized his schedule, but no mention of the position she had been offered. She was tired, she was ready to go home, but there was still that email from Harry sitting in her inbox, unread, un-actioned. She couldn’t remember the last time that she felt tired. Emotionally, physically and mentally tired. She rolled her eyes at herself; biting the bullet she opened the email.

 -No Subject-

To: Charlotte Attward

From: Harry Styles

 Hi Charlotte,

Just wanted to say thanks for dinner. Wasn’t sure what the best way to contact you was. See you Saturday.

-H

 ‘See you Saturday?’ Charlotte’s eyes ran over the last sentence three more times. What was happening on Saturday? She didn’t think that he had agreed to another dinner. Closing the email she opened her calendar and had an icy drop of realization in her stomach.

Album launch. She had completely forgotten. Well, not so much about the album launch, she had been preparing things for Richard for the past month, but it had completely, and stupidly, slipped her mind that of course the band would be there. So caught up in the bureaucratises and politics of needed to get the right press there, the right names, she had totally forgotten what the event was actually about. Biting her lip she replied to the email.

 -Re: No Subject-

To: Harry Styles

From: Charlotte Attward

 Sorry, just saw this now. See you Saturday.

Charlotte Attward

Executive Assistant

 She read and reread her reply what left like forty times before she pressed send. She had worked herself up for nothing. What was she expecting? Harry to declare his undying love for her… over email? She scoffed at herself and checked her watch. Nearly seven. She needed to go home, she needed to eat, she needed to find something to wear on Saturday and she needed to find a new place to live; she needed to escape. Fourteen days.

 Waking up on Saturday morning, she groaned as she rubbed the sleep out of her eyes. Ten days. Two weeks. She could do two more weeks. Harry hadn’t responded to her reply and she wondered for the dozenth time that week if she was going crazy. Harry clearly was not as affected as she was. It was only her that needed to indulge on blood bag after blood bag after dinner. Of course, Harry wouldn’t need to do that anyway. He was human. She was a monster. The sooner she could remember that, the better. She had organized a rental in Scotland, she was ready to move, but she just needed to make it through the next two weeks. Then she could go back to oblivion, back to herself, back to separation, back to worrying about her and her alone.

 She had a plan for the launch. She was going to eat, or drink as it were, as much as she could. She had raided four different blood banks the night before. She would go in with a full stomach. It would make her appear much more alive, bring colour into her cheeks at the very least. She could fake it. She would pretend like everything was fine. She would greet Harry, and the rest of the band and then she would avoid him for the rest of the night. A brief acknowledgement and then she would cut off contact. Richard would be thrilled of course; he hated when she wasn’t glued to his side; getting him drinks, batting her eyelashes at his clients and journalists. She had a plan and she was going to stick to it. Tonight would be the night that she withdrew again. Stopped feeling and went back to her self-imposed solitary confinement. It all started with the first of many blood bags.

 The room was buzzing, the press eagerly awaiting the arrival of the band. She’d been on the phone for the last half hour with Louis’ PA. They were running late, a small fight had broken out between the boys, it had been resolved quickly, but tensions were running high. She could see the cracks forming between them. They were overworked and underappreciated by their team. It was only a matter of time before things came crashing down around them. But it also wasn’t her place to say anything. She would be gone soon and the chips would fall where they may, as it were. She had watched Richard through the week, an underlying tension spread across his shoulders and brow. She wondered if it was because they had offered her a full time position at a higher level without consulting him, but she also thought that she wasn’t enough of a blip on his radar to warrant him stressing over her. Perhaps he knew that they were riding out the last album of these boys as a band. Perhaps he knew that he had pushed them too hard. There was too much riding on Richard for this last album, if it wasn’t a success she knew that it feel directly back on him. Not enough PR, pushed the band too hard, not relevant, out of touch- she knew all the potential criticism that could come Richards way. Perhaps that what was making him so tense? He was already a pain to deal with, short and sharp, angry, just a general terrible person, but the anxiety of having the potential last album flop, that was enough to make anyone prematurely grey.

 She caught Richard’s eye searching for her in the crowd. His mouth pressed into a thin line of strain. He jerked his head at her briefly indicating that she was needed. She straightened her shoulders and set a warm smile on her face as she approached.

“Where are they?” He hissed grabbing her elbow and steering her away from prying eyes.

“I’ve just spoken with Alex. 15 minutes.” She replied softly, keeping the smile on her face as she made eye contact with a few other executives.

“What happened?” Richard released her elbow, but spun her so that she was facing him.

“Small…” She paused assessing her response, “Nothing for you to worry about. They will be here soon. I will get the photographers aligned, shall I?” She met his anxious gaze with a steady one of her own, willing him to calm down so that she could do her job.

Richard’s mouth was still set in a hard line but he nodded quickly releasing her from his company. She could feel his eyes on the back of her head as she started to corral the photographers to the entrance in preparation for the bands arrival.

 The flashing lights were blinding and she wondered, not for the first time, how they managed to smile through the lightning. How did they manage to look so relaxed as people demanded their attention and screamed their names, trying to get the best picture?

“We’re thrilled to be here.” Liam was saying over the clicking of shutters. “Can’t wait for you to hear what we’ve been putting together.” They were all smiling, arms around each other like brothers, no trace of the argument that had broken out earlier. No one would suspect a thing. They finally made their way into the party and were shepherded straight to Richard. The worry was still evident on his brow, but he had at least managed to arrange the rest of his face into a sort of grimace smile. She was standing beside him as he greeted each of the boys in turn, his voice rising slightly for the press’s benefit. She smiled at each one of them separately as they nodded to her in acknowledgement. She noted Harry’s eyes lingering on her a moment longer than the rest of them, but she smiled back warmly and turned her full attention to Richard. He was spouting off some of the talking points that she had written down for him that week, making sure to hit the key words, ‘proud of you, best album yet, such talent’ as the journalists madly pulled out recorders or took notes. Soon the boys moved on to greet the rest of the party, their new single to be played later, after the speeches. She had done her part, she had greeted them, she had smiled, she had been polite, and now she could actively avoid them all. She was still working after all. Ten days, she repeated as a mantra in her head. Ten days and she would be gone.

 “You look lovely.” She nearly screeched and threw her drink over Harry as she spun around.

“Thank you.” She smiled politely. She had avoided him for three hours, she had let her guard drop for thirty seconds and he was behind her. Her eyes were already searching for Richard, hoping to use him as a reason for escape. The speeches were done, the newest release met with thunderous applause meaning that the “working” part of the night was complete. Now was the time for everyone to make a fool of themselves. The press had mostly left, only the ones that were in the employ of the company remained. Liam and Niall had left an hour ago, Louis was out smoking a cigarette on the balcony, she could see him bent over the railing deep in thought. Richard was no where to be seen. Instead Harry stood in front of her, invading her senses. Had he always smelt this good? Could she always smell him? Why was she so focused on the smell of him? He was intoxicating her and she needed to get away from him.

“So…” He said awkwardly, trying to start the conversation, seeing her look anywhere but him. “Tonight was a success then.”

She hummed in response nodding at him, still searching for a way to leave politely.

“Richard seems happy.”

Her bosses name swung her focus back to Harry.

“Yes, have you seen him? I need to get back to…” She tried to smile at him but could feel her words get caught in her throat. Had his eyes always been this green? His lips always that shade of red?

“Oh he’s around somewhere.” Harry waved his hand behind him noncommittally. “I’m sure he can do without you for fifteen minutes.”

“Fifteen minutes?” She asked putting all her energy into trying not to notice the flush of his cheeks and the small dimple that appeared when he grinned at her.

“Yes, I thought we could go for a walk. Get some air.” Harry suggested lightly.

‘So much for avoiding him’ she thought to herself as her grasped for another excuse.

“Just fifteen minutes.” Harry all but pleaded her. Sighing she nodded and put down her drink.

“The balcony?” She suggested, her eyes flicking outside seeing that Louis was still hunched over the railing. At least they wouldn’t be alone out there.

Harry’s smile faltered slightly as he saw Louis but he didn’t hesitate as they walked together. Ten days. Only ten more days.