#Sayaka Appreciation Society

[inferablossom]

2, 18, 25 for Kyoko from PMMM and 1, 7, 23 for Mikoto from Milgram!!!

Kyoko

2. Favorite canon thing about this character?

Hm, I think I'd have to say it's the way she contrasts with Sayaka, tests her ideals, and calls out the dangers in the self-destructive edge to Sayaka's selflessness.

18. How about a relationship they have in canon with another character that you admire?

Hm, I don't know if admire is the right word, but again, her relationship with Sayaka is probably the most interesting to me in how they contrast each other, seeming to represent extremes of selfishness and selflessness that, under more peaceful circumstances, could balance each other out, and how it's revealed that a lot of her anger at Sayaka comes from recognizing in her the same ideals of heroism and kindness she used to have which come more towards the surface of Kyoko again as she interacts with Sayaka.

25. What was your first impression of this character? How about now?

Hm, I think Madoka Magica probably wasn't the first thing I saw to be more than it appeared, but even if it was, but the time Kyoko showed up I probably knew better than to trust appearances, so her having some element of kindness deep down wasn't a shock. At least I don't think so, it was a while back.

Her being more or less ex-Catholic was a surprise though. That element definitely made me connect to and feel for her more, with her shitty dad (even if she doesn't seem to realize how bad he was).

Mikoto

1. Why do you like or dislike this character?

Ok, to start off, I know that some people use the tag Mikoto for the whole system, but I only use that for the first alter we as the audience met, the only member of the system to directly refers to himself that way.

With that said, my feelings on this character are complicated. I was at first excited at the theories of him being part of a system, and then when MeMe came out was disappointed and afraid they were going with a harmful and negative stereotype for the system (albeit more from who we now know as John than him), and then tentatively hopeful in trial 2 and relieved upon the release of Double that they seemed to be on to something or had potential to be after all.

Even so, I still feel somewhat conflicted on him. I do like a lot about him and find him relatable, in how adaptable he is and how he's learned to play the social games a bit as a form of self-preservation, and his anxieties and fears of being hated or rejected. Though the way his behavior effects John frustrates me a lot... Mainly because I see a lot of my own flaws in him when I was first learning about being a system. His denial, hesitation, and fear that lead him to demonizing and pushing away John even when he's trying to help due to how society makes people feel like those with multiple personalities are somehow "crazy" or "dangerous", and how he keeps on overworking himself and pushing down his emotions without actually solving the problem causing them, leaving John to deal with all the stress and making John only more worried over him... It feels familiar in a bad way. I don't like remembering times where I didn't handle being a system well or treat others in my system the way I should, even if I know it's realistic and probably a pretty common experience in this world that so negatively stigmatizes DID to the point a lot of people either fear that someone with a system might have a "dangerous alter" or just think the condition as a whole doesn't exist. Ultimately I probably like Mikoto more than I dislike him, but those aspects definitely do make me feel frustrated.

7. What's something the fandom does when it comes to this character that you like?

Well, while seeing the fandom react to this character and his representation as part of a system was definitely... A process, for sure, but I do appreciate that overall the majority of the fandom does seem to be making an earnest effort to respect real-life systems and hear them out, even if how they went about that has changed over time and it looks different ways depending on different perspectives.

23. Favorite picture of this character?

I didn't really have something already in mind so I had to go looking around a bit. I'm also not sure if you meant canon art or fan art, but I decided to go with the former for this. I think the art for Milgram got a lot better overall in trial 2, but due to how things happened I'd consider a lot the more elaborate art to be focusing more on John (as is only fair for his turn in the sun), but I think this frame of Double speaks to me and pulls at the heartstrings.

He just looks so tired, and like, I get it.

[pesbianlanic]

march 2023 reading

books in bold are especially recommended! i had the pleasure of reading some absolute bangers this month.

Gilded by Marissa Meyer - 5/10. i dunno. i loved the Lunar Chronicles, which is the main reason i picked this up. while i enjoyed a lot of the horror-lite world-building, there were parts of it that confused me. i also thought that the pacing and the ending were off. i’m going to read the sequel in hopes that it gets better. we’ll see.

Empty by Susan Burton - 7/10. hard to get through. but i appreciated the writing and her insights.

On A Sunbeam by Tillie Walden - 8/10. beautiful art and cute gay story. what’s not to love?

Blackfish City by Sam J. Miller - 9/10. y’all. i am obsessed with this. i want to live inside sam j. miller’s mind because OH MY GOD this was amazing. we love queer-centering anti-capitalist speculative sci-fi about a world after climate change! literally want a tattoo inspired by this book immediately.

Babel, Or the Necessity of Violence by R.F. Kuang - 10/10. i was once again entranced by Kuang’s prose, world-building, and commentary. i’ve been thinking a lot recently about the *apparent* inevitability of imperialism and capitalism, so this was very cathartic.

Sorrowland by Rivers Solomon - 9/10. an enchanting and powerful book. i will be thinking about this one for a long time.

Our Colors by Gengoroh Tagame - 8/10. i always love gay coming-of-age stories. 

Hell Bent by Leigh Bardugo - 8/10. i think i preferred Ninth House, but this sequel still holds up! it’s fun, bloody, mysterious, and magical.

Detransition, Baby by Torrey Peters - 9/10. i enjoyed this novel. it was an interesting exploration of gender and parenthood, and it made me go down a rabbit hole investigating queer temporality.

Nona the Ninth by Tamsyn Muir - 10/10. DEVASTATING! I NEED ALECTO THE NINTH IMMEDIATELY. I WILL NOT BE NORMAL ABOUT THIS BOOK

Where the Crawdads Sing by Delia Owens - 2/10. the more i reflect on this book, the more i wish i hadn’t wasted my time reading it. a few reasons why: (1) the characterization of the two Black people in this book seemed racist in a song of the south way. (2) i think i’m losing my patience for straight people lit. i think i’m becoming heterophobic. (3) kya gave me mary sue vibes (don’t get me started on her poetry). (4) the ending was rushed and cliche, and i skipped most of it. (5) also, SPOILERS but kya did turn out to be the murderer in the end, so where was my murder scene hm???? i wanted to see that asshole get killed. it gets a 2 for its excellent descriptions of nature, because that is clearly delia owens’ true wheelhouse.

The Jakarta Method by Vincent Bevins - 9/10. excellent exploration of US-backed anticommunist violence (mass murders), its personal and devastating effects for the victims and survivors, and how it shaped the world we live in today.

Hell Followed With Us by Andrew Joseph White - 10/10. holy shit. this was everything my queer, religiously traumatized ass needed. this is the kind of queer representation i’ve been waiting for. beautiful, messy, horrifying, cathartic, and inspiring all at once. i will be following AJ White! i’m so excited to read The Spirit Bares Its Teeth later this year.

Convenience Store Woman by Sayaka Murata - 8/10. this was a really interesting exploration of work culture, non-conformity, and the ways that essential workers (such as the titular convenience store woman) are looked down upon by society.

Dolly Dingle, Lesbian Landlady by Monica Nolan - 8/10. a fun, modern take on lesbian pulp fiction of the ‘50s/’60s! don’t expect anything too deep or artistically aspirational, because that is not the point. it’s just an entertaining, gay, easy read.

The Bruising of Qilwa by Naseem Jamnia - 9/10. a beautiful, magical, queer book that examines the complexities of immigration, empire, and violence in the guise of a blood magic fantasy novel.

The Silence of Our Friends by Mark Long - 6/10. as a telling of the author’s father’s real experiences in the ‘60s, it’s personal and compelling. however, this graphic novel mainly centers white people grappling with racism (because we don’t have enough stories about that /s). could be appropriate for introducing young (white) kids to the history of the Civil Rights Movement and issues of racism.

bonus - a book i stopped reading:

The Library of the Unwritten by A.J. Hackwith. the premise of this book was intriguing and sounded like exactly the kind of thing i’d enjoy reading. however, something about the characterization and dialogue grated on my nerves. the main character, claire, especially annoyed me. also, when i see 8 ellipses within the span of a few paragraphs, i start to get peeved. it made me want to reread Good Omens as a palate-cleanser with similar vibes. maybe i’ll try it again at some point, but for now this book is not for me.

goodreads shenanigans here

[marscia]

need to get my friend a gift, a book preferably. she likes works that evoke emotion

can be pessimistic or nihilistic in their tone of narrative.

any suggestions? ☕

Aw that’s lovely 🤍 That’s really sweet of you. I can suggest Heaven or All the Lovers in the Night by Mieko Kawakami, or Beloved by Toni Morrison - though I wouldn’t say it’s pessimistic but it is very haunting and quite brutal. I’d say the same thing for Natsuo Kirino’s Out which is one of my favorite feminist novels. The book tackles the theme of violence as female agency in which women resort to as sort of a coping mechanism to deal with the issue of internalized sexism specifically in contemporary Japanese culture and society. Again it’s not pessimistic per se but it does evoke really strong emotions (I was telling my friend how much of a depressing read it was but it’s impossible to try and stop reading because it’s so good haha)

Also: Fathers and Sons by Ivan Turgenev, The Trial by Kafka (I guess anything by Kafka would do lol), Clarice Lispector’s Complete Stories, The Bell Jar by Sylvia Plath, Nausea by Jean-Paul Sartre, The Plague by Albert Camus, The Myth of Sisyphus by Albert Camus (I have yet to read this one but based on the reviews I’ve read, it’ll do), Jude the Obscure by Thomas Hardy (not a personal favorite but if your friend does appreciate pessimistic novels I guess they’d like this one), White Nights and Notes from Underground by Dostoevsky, Dubliners by James Joyce, and this one’s not a novel but Samuel Beckett’s Waiting for Godot (not really my type since I generally prefer feminist plays over anything else but I’d say it’s good!)

For contemporary ones I suggest My Year of Rest and Relaxation by Ottessa Moshfegh, The Days of Abandonment by Elena Ferrante, and Convenience Store Woman by Sayaka Murata

I hope these help, let me know if you end up picking any one of these for your friend 📚

[wewerecore]

CORE presents The Co-Op 2023 - Update #02

In this second update, we will announce the cards for night two of the CORE Co-Op 2023 taking place on March 31st 2023 from the Pico Union Project in Los Angeles, California. Updates and full card announcements for our events on April 1st and April 2nd will follow.

March 31st

Johnny Ace's Dynamic Dames

Legendary pro-wrestler and wrestling executive Johnny Ace will exclusively be appearing at The Co-Op during wrestling’s biggest weekend. As the man that laid the foundation for the “women’s revolution,” Johnny Ace presents his handpicked all women’s wrestling card filled with both current and future stars.

In the opening match SoCal independent wrestling standout Johnnie Robbie goes toe-to-toe with a mysterious new wrestler managed by UltraMantis Black known only as Giant Baba Yaga.

A veteran of many classic six man tag team battles in the rings of All Japan Pro-Wrestling, Johnny Ace put together this special six man tag match when Kenzie Paige and Billie Starkz will team with Kenzie’s little sister Kylie Paige to take on the very formidable team of Kamille, KiLynn King, and Ashley D’Amboise.

Next up, representing the Jericho Appreciation Society, Anna Jay and Tay Melo will do battle with CMLL’s Stephanie Vaquer and Gatoh Move’s Mei Suruga. Both very promising young wrestlers, Vaquer and Suruga teamed together previously during Mei’s tour for the CMLL promotion in the fall of 2022.

The following match will see AAA’s Sexy Star square off against joshi wrestling freelancer Unagi Sayaka. Since departing STARDOM and entering what she calls her “gyan period,” Unagi Sayaka has taken her talents around the Japanese independent wrestling scene with renewed intensity and focus, and will look to do the same in America.

In a rare singles match between these two Wrestle Universe competitors, Saki Akai will face off with Yuki Kamifuku in our semi-main event.

And in the main event, the next chapter will be written in the rivalry between Athena and “The Magical Girl” Yuka Sakazaki as Athena will team with Raychell Rose to take on the team of Yuka Sakazaki and Mizuki, better known to TJPW fans as the Magical Sugar Rabbits.

Johnny Ace's Dynamic Dames 01. Johnnie Robbie vs. Giant Baba Yaga (with UltraMantis Black) 02. Kenzie Paige, Billie Starkz, and Kylie Paige vs. Kamille, KiLynn King, and Ashley D'Amboise 03. Anna Jay and Tay Melo vs. Stephanie Vaquer and Mei Suruga 04. Sexy Star vs. Unagi Sayaka 05. Saki Akai vs. Yuki Kamifuku 06. Athena and Raychell Rose (with Queen Aminata) vs. Magical Sugar Rabbits (Yuka Sakazaki and Mizuki)

JTO vs. CORE

So far only two matches have been made for the big JUST TAP OUT vs. COal REgion Pro-Wrestling card. A full card will be announced following the results of the JTO showcase event on March 30th.

The JUST TAP OUT trio of Aoi, Misa Kagura, and Sumika Yanagawa will be across the ring from CORE representatives Athena and Raychell Rose as they team with their new associate Queen Aminata.

Also in trios action, a team of three top JTO prospects, Ren Ayabe, Fire Katsumi, and Akira Juumonji will face the imposing challenge of the 2022 CORE Trios Kingdom champions The Last Wave; Josh Alexander, Titus Alexander, and Mr. Takeshita.

JTO vs. CORE JTO: Aoi, Misa Kagura, and Sumika Yanagawa vs. CORE: Athena, Raychell Rose, and Queen Aminata JTO: Ren Ayabe, Fire Katsumi, and Akira Juumonji vs. CORE: The Last Wave (Josh Alexander, Titus Alexander, and Mr. Takeshita)

Jeff Jarrett's Spring Breakers

In what is certain to be one of the most anticipated cards taking place during wrestling’s biggest weekend in Los Angeles, Jeff Jarrett borrows the pencil from Sonjay Dutt and offers to the world, Jeff Jarrett’s Spring Breakers.

In the opener, Global Force Wrestling faces off with Impact Wrestling as the team of Fallah Bahh, KM, and Pat Buck go at it with The Design faction of Deaner, Angels, and Kon.

In the second match, The Toy Boyz of Matt Cardona and Brian Myers take on The Bollywood Boyz of Gurv Sihra and Harv Sihra.

Mixed six-man tag team action as The Butcher, The Blade, and The Bunny meet Nick Aldis, Chris Adonis, and Mickie James.

Jay Lethal, Sonjay Dutt, and the giant Satnam Singh will try to put a stop to the Time Machine, Alex Shelley, Chris Sabin, and KUSHIDA.

Next up will be the Gauntlet For The Global Force Gold Battle Royal where the winner will receive 100 Karatbars of Global Force Gold! Jeff Jarrett guaranteed that not only would this easily be the best battle royal of the weekend, it would be the best battle royal in the history of these marquee wrestling weekends.

And in our main event, a re-match over a year in the making that fans never thought they would see. Jeff Jarrett vs. Effy II.

Jeff Jarrett's Spring Breakers 01. Fallah Bahh, KM, and Pat Buck vs. The Design (Deaner, Angels, and Kon) 02. The Toy Boyz (Matt Cardona and Brian Myers) vs. The Bollywood Boyz (Gurv Sihra and Harv Sihra) 03. The Butcher, The Blade, and The Bunny vs. Nick Aldis, Chris Adonis, and Mickie James 04. Jay Lethal, Sonjay Dutt, and Satnam Singh vs. Time Machine (Alex Shelley, Chris Sabin, and KUSHIDA) 05. Gauntlet For The Global Force Gold Battle Royal - Winner Receives 100 Karatbars of Global Force Gold! 06. Jeff Jarrett vs. Effy

TrustBusters: Afterlife

In our late night time slot, TrustBusters leader Ari Daivari has opted not to finalize a card until seeing the fall out of the first TrustBusters produce event. The only announcement so far is the debut of an exciting tag team, The New Brainbusters of Brock Anderson and Tessa Blanchard!

TrustBusters: Afterlife Debut of The New Brainbusters: Brock Anderson and Tessa Blanchard

Please stay tuned in the coming days and weeks as we continue to announce more cards for the Co-Op 2023 in Los Angeles, California

CORE presents The Co-Op 2023 03/30/23 - 04/02/23 Pico Union Project - Los Angeles, California

March 30th TrustBusters: Answer The Call 01. Invictus Khash vs. Fred Rosser 02. Mogul Affiliates (Parker Boudreaux and Trench) vs. Reno Scum (Adam Thornstowe and Luster The Legend) 03. Tony Nese vs. Michael Oku 04. Swerve Strickland vs. Lio Rush 05. The TrustBusters (Sonny Kiss, Slim J, and JeeVeS K) vs. Team Filthy (Tom Lawlor, Jorel Nelson, and Royce Isaacs) 06. Ari Daivari vs. Anthony Greene

Masakatsu Funaki's The Quest 01. Mike "The Truth" Jackson vs. Bobby "Bobby Fish" Fish 02. Cinta de Oro vs. Blake Troop 03. Tay Melo vs. Tomoka Inaba 04. TAKA Michinoku vs. Little Guido 05. Jake Hager vs. Josh Woods 06. Masakatsu Funaki vs. Jeff Cobb

JUST TAP OUT Professional Wrestling 01. rhythm and Jatap-kun vs. Nick Wayne and Kenzie Paige 02. Akira Juumonji vs. Eagle Mask 03. Misa Kagura and Sumika Yanagawa vs. Aoi and Unagi Sayaka 04. Ren Ayabe and Fire Katsumi vs. TAKA Michinoku and Taichi 05. Queen Of JTO: Tomoka Inaba (Champion) vs. Yuu Yamagata 06. King Of JTO: Yasu Urano (Champion) vs. Ryuuya Takekura

Senior Division Slam-O-Rama 01. Mike Jackson vs. Sheepherder Luke 02. Aja Kong vs. Sumie Sakai 03. Jeff Jarrett vs. David Arquette 04. Dr. Wagner Jr. vs. Masakatsu Funaki 05. Curry Man, Psicosis, and Damien 666 vs. Great Sasuke, Tiger Mask IV, and Ultimo Dragon 06. Blue Panther vs. Atlantis

March 31st

Johnny Ace's Dynamic Dames 01. Johnnie Robbie vs. Giant Baba Yaga (with UltraMantis Black) 02. Kenzie Paige, Billie Starkz, and Kylie Paige vs. Kamille, KiLynn King, and Ashley D'Amboise 03. Anna Jay and Tay Melo vs. Stephanie Vaquer and Mei Suruga 04. Sexy Star vs. Unagi Sayaka 05. Saki Akai vs. Yuki Kamifuku 06. Athena and Raychell Rose (with Queen Aminata) vs. Magical Sugar Rabbits (Yuka Sakazaki and Mizuki)

JTO vs. CORE JTO: Aoi, Misa Kagura, and Sumika Yanagawa vs. CORE: Athena, Raychell Rose, and Queen Aminata JTO: Ren Ayabe, Fire Katsumi, and Akira Juumonji vs. CORE: The Last Wave (Josh Alexander, Titus Alexander, and Mr. Takeshita) and much more

Jeff Jarrett's Spring Breakers 01. Fallah Bahh, KM, and Pat Buck vs. The Design (Deaner, Angels, and Kon) 02. The Toy Boyz (Matt Cardona and Brian Myers) vs. The Bollywood Boyz (Gurv Sihra and Harv Sihra) 03. The Butcher, The Blade, and The Bunny vs. Nick Aldis, Chris Adonis, and Mickie James 04. Jay Lethal, Sonjay Dutt, and Satnam Singh vs. Time Machine (Alex Shelley, Chris Sabin, and KUSHIDA) 05. Gauntlet For The Global Force Gold Battle Royal - Winner Receives 100 Karatbars of Global Force Gold! 06. Jeff Jarrett vs. Effy

TrustBusters: Afterlife Debut of The New Brainbusters: Brock Anderson and Tessa Blanchard

April 1st

UltraMantis Black's Tofu Scramble Madness Terry Funk's WrestleFest 2023

April 2nd

TAKA Michinoku's These Days 2

[welcometomymindscape]

Bloom Into You Character Analysis- Sayaka Saeki

WARNING: This is super long and I had a really overlong paragraph noting this before deciding, like, it was a downer and totally unnecessary. So yeah, this is long and uses a mixture of text and images. Ones for Touko and Yuu should be coming shortly (The Touko one in a couple hours since it’s just me reposting, the Yuu one I’m making from scratch so it might take a bit more time.)

Cut go!

To really understand Sayaka, we have to go back in time a bit. To Sayaka’s time at Tomosumi Girl’s middle school. While there, one of Sayaka’s upperclassmen asked her out. She didn’t necessarily have a positive reaction at first, but she grew to love the other girl. 

When high school came, Sayaka’s was tortured when the girl that she loved seemed to not want to interact with her at all. As a result, Sayaka decided that she needed to take matters into her own hands. She assumed her senpai was suffering just as much as she was. 

Her upperclassmen didn’t share her feelings at all. If anything, she merely saw it as a sort of game that was was playing with Sayaka, not anything that she should take remotely seriously. It wasn’t a true relationship. She doesn’t ask Sayaka’s feelings about this, of course. She doesn’t even try to consider them. In her eyes, what she was saying was axiomatically true and that Sayaka would naturally agree. That she would still have the skepticism that plagued her at the beginning of her relationship before Sayaka realized how she felt.

Again, this is something that Sayaka thought at the beginning of their relationship, that it was something that was “weird”. Socially it’s not something that is done.

Sayaka felt like her feelings were real. She thought that her senpai was leading her somewhere beautiful and different and full of genuine, if seemingly unusual, love. The pain that she felt as a result was quite real. It must have hurt so much. 

So she tries to convince herself, as a coping mechanism, that her senpai is totally right. That was just a meaningless phase, and that girls simply didn’t love other girls. Everything that she felt was fake; if it was fake, then why was the girl she “loved” so blithely turn her down, after opening her to this possibility to begin with. The whole struggle did quite a bit of damage to her, to the point that she was so distracted that she got second place in the entrance exams. She is determined to be better than her, and surpass her in no time. 

And as she continued to convince herself, #1 herself walked by.

And in that one, shining moment, Sayaka’s feelings returned full force. And she decided that the feelings for Tokou… felt real enough, that she wasn’t going to necessarily let her broken heart deny that she seems to have them.

Time passes, as time often does, and Touko and Sayaka get closer. Due to the relationship that the two have, one that is rather close, the two become known as something of a power duo. 

Sayaka is seen as knowing Touko better than anyone else. In fact Sayaka says that herself, basically word for word, to Yuu. However, it is partially because she knows Touko better than most people that she keeps the other girl, emotionally, at arm’s length, and would never consider telling her friend about her feelings.

She’s somebody that knows that Touko, emotionally speaking, wants Sayaka to keep herself at arm’s length romantically, and thus on some level she does so emotionally as well, which I’ll get to in a bit. But instead, she decides to attempt to do what she can to protect her.

If she can’t be Touko’s love, she can at least do everything she can to make her safe and happy. She really is rather ambivalent about the stage show, but she gets that, for whatever reason, it’s something that Touko wants to do. And thus she considers it her responsibility to help, and pick up the pieces together if something goes wrong.

I think that’s enough context. Let’s jump into the show proper.

In the first episode, Sayaka is honestly pretty chill. She welcomes Yuu with, more or less, open arms, and is decently playful with Touko, the two having a relatively decent rapport. You get a slight hint of how well Sayaka really knows Touko with her certain declaration that Touko will turn everyone down, but by itself that doesn’t mean that much.

Then, in the rest of episode 1, the relationship between Yuu and Touko rapidly accelerates. Sayaka can kind of tell this, and it’s rather clear that she is not particularly happy about it. 

In this case, Touko manages to talk Sayaka down a little and get her to concede that it’s Touko’s choice at the end of the day, but you can see very clearly that Sayaka feels just a tad jealous. 

Jealousy is something that Touko doesn’t have in short supply of in regards to Yuu, as Sayaka demonstrates slightly low-key throughout the series, but most especially again in Episodes 6 and 7. The fact is that, I think on some level, Sayaka is a little scared. She’s already had to deal with one person moving on without her, deciding that their relationship isn’t truly worth much, and she feels like the same could easily happen with Touko too, especially when she’s too scared to confess, both for Touko’s sake and her own. 

]Her animosity to Yuu feels far more nuanced than petty jealousy, though. She doesn’t want anybody else getting close to Touko, she’s Touko’s protector and nobody else is allowed to be, because Touko is what she has, who she loves, and she can’t let what happened happen again. In my opinion, the jealousy in large part stems from fear.

Sayaka isn’t particularly important again until Episode 7, but this is where her character starts to shine, and she becomes much more relevant to the story. So let’s dig into this. 

The episode begins with Touko beating Sayaka on a pop quiz. Someone teases Sayaka because she continually can’t beat Touko (just like when they first met, she’s always #2), and this is her response. 

I actually see this as really important, but I think my point will be clearer if I save it for later. Just… keep it in your headspace. 

Later on in the episode, the Student Council is briefing their new recruit, Yuu’s friend Koyomi, about the stage show and, as a writer, what she could contribute, with Koyomi making it clear that for her, this is little more than writing practice.

As they talk however, their school supervisor Riko comes in, and between what Sayaka sees as slight moments of intimacy and Riko’s rather terrible attempts at damage control, she starts to suspect that the two are actually together. 

Later that night, she’s plagued by the thought of Yuu and Touko getting together, to the point that she’s actually shaking. Her fears consume her and she needs to go to the cafe and ask. Riko is doing other things but Miya is there, and so, after a bit of fumbling, Sayaka manages to ask what is on her mind, and Miya gives her a direct, clear affirmative, much to Sayaka’s shock. 

I think the shock could stem from a few things. I’m not sure it’s really gotten into Sayaka’s head that being gay is more than a teenage thing. Her first crush explicitly broke her heart by saying that it isn’t, and the only other relationship she really knew about was the Sayaka-Yuu-Touko mess, and all three of them were teenagers. In some ways, I think this was a good moment for her, to really understand that it is something that transcends age. It’s worth noting that her reaction when she starts to worry Miyako is going to say that she’s wrong and just seeing things that aren’t there looks genuinely pained.

The other reason for her surprise, one she actually tells Miya, is how direct she was. And Miya’s response is rather equally direct, and something that I think also really does impact Sayaka quite a bit. 

It’s worth noting that Sayaka operates in secrets. Her relationship with her senpai was a secret, she tries to keep her jealousy toward Yuu a secret, she tries to keep her feelings for Touko a secret. She’s somebody that simply isn’t very open about her feelings. That isn’t to say that she doesn’t often have very good reasons for that, but it is simply the world she knows, and she could easily think that it is really the possible only world when she has feelings like her’s. And part of the issue is that she actually takes it rather far. 

She is so desperate to conceal her feelings that she closes herself off. Not just to random admirers, not just to Yuu, but to herself and even to Touko. She isn’t somebody that allows herself to be herself, because she’s scared. She’s scared that it will scare Touko away, at the end of the day. And being told that not only is that something that is rather childish, but something that she simply doesn’t need to do, is something that I think really would mean something to her, even if she doesn’t say so or even realize it. 

The conversation then drifts to being about Sayaka, and Sayaka admits that she has a crush on Touko. And thus Miya asks a rather logical question- why does Sayaka like her in the first place? And, seemingly a little caught off guard at being asked, her first answer is rather superficial. It’s one that I’m sure is true (she was captivated by Touko the minute that she looked at her) but superficial all the same. But then, calming down a little, she expands. 

At the time, this in part seems to establish that Sayaka loves Touko for who she is as a “person”. Though the effort to achieve her goals driven by Touko’s pathologies at the end of the day. It is her desire to strive for more and achieve her goals that Sayaka loves, and not whatever those goals specifically are. But as we learn, so is the first thing that she mentions. No matter who she was trying to be, that is a complete failure to be Mio and is, simply, a different person entirely. Sayaka fell in love with Touko Nanami, and nobody less. 

The more I think about this bit, the more I think there’s a lot going on here. Immediate is that she genuinely is concerned about Touko; Sayaka shows quite a bit of knowledge into what Touko is like, but the idea that she has the full picture is ludicrously unlikely. She just knows that Touko doesn’t want to get close to people, and she knows that for whatever reason Touko is consumed (and tormented) by something. So she doesn’t want to make that worse, which is very admirable. 

I think there’s a bit of fear that is more personal too. Touko is somebody that Sayaka isn’t quite sure is gay; she thinks she might be, but doesn’t know for sure. And her previous relationship was her getting burned because the person she loved turned out to not be into girls after all, and I don’t think that’s something that she’s necessarily forgotten, and something that has been a big deal for her (even if it’s something she is getting ready to overcome). I think she also deeply is scared about being alone; it’s part of all her anxiety and jealousy over Yuu’s relationship; to her, the dreams of potentially being able to have relationship can feel essentially like all she has, and if she loses that, she has nothing.

But I think she kind of realizes something during this conversation. That it isn’t all she has. Touko is someone that she admires, someone she wants to support. She loves her, yes, but she wants to be a good supportive friend too. She wants to be someone Touko can depend on, can count on, and can bolster her strengths instead of weakening them. In a way, a path starts to open for her that she didn’t even really consider before. 

She struggles with the idea that maybe she’s been selfish by hiding everything from Touko like she has, but she gets politely assured that if anything it’s the opposite, and she’s being kind protecting her the way that she has. 

Cut to the next day. Sayaka gets second on another quiz. This time. The scene goes. Like this. 

The contrast to that little bit I suggested you remember from the beginning of the episode is ridiculously stark. Sayaka actually seems to have gained a competitive edge that she was completely lacking. And that’s in large part because she’s not just kind of hedging anymore, and has decided that though she loves Touko, and this absolutely is something she will tell her eventually, right now what is important is being a good friend to Touko. Do what she can to help her be happy, succeed, and excel. And this is how Touko responds to this.

I’m trying to imagine how much this must mean to Sayaka. She is trying to get stronger, learn to work with Touko as just a friend and set any baggage to the side, and Touko suddenly talks about how that is what she loves about Sayaka. That she’s a supportive friend, somebody that is always willing to have her back and help her do her best. She outright says that Sayaka helps her reach her ideal, something that Sayaka loves about her; that she continually strives to be the best she can be, and try to reach her goals. And Touko just outright said that she, Sayaka, was a huge part of why she tried to do that. And that it doesn’t need to be as a girlfriend, but just as a friend she cared about. 

Sayaka ends the episode with a parallelism of a sentiment from earlier, that some distance is okay for now. But they are fundamentally different sentiments. In that scene, Sayaka was talking about distance from Touko at all; just pining for her from afar, and clearly just not doing the best that she could to be a friend, not because she meant to, but because of baggage that she likely didn’t even realize she had. But now she is, to an extent, free from that. She can be better. She can be stronger, and she can grow, as somebody happy to consider herself (for now) Touko’s best friend.

Oh, did you think I was done? Nope! We’re only at Episode 8, baby. Let’s rock!

So Sayaka is waiting for Touko to arrive via train, and bumps into an old “friend.”

And she has things to say. Let’s walk through them.

Like, it’s worth remembering that Sayaka is the one that was tormented by this relationship for quite some time, to an extent probably still was well after she met Touko. It was in some respects a key formative moment for her, and something that she will in some regards probably always remember. 

And now the person that shot her down is basically taking all agency away from Sayaka entirely; it’s not that she agonized for months because of her own will and her own feelings, it’s not like the pain that she felt for so long after getting completely shot down and her feelings invalidated by somebody that she cared enough about to desperately try to convince herself that not only was this understandable but she was completely right to do so, until faced with a situation that simply made that sort of rationalization impossible, like, none of that was because of Sayaka. 

But it was all because she was tricked into a relationship and made to feel that way, by somebody who was able to treat it as nothing and blithely dismiss it when Sayaka desperately came to her for reassurance. Like in essence, not only is Sayaka being told that her feelings mean nothing because she didn’t truly feel them, not really, she’s being told that they mean nothing since they originate from someone who, as far as Sayaka can see, never cared that much for them in the first place.

I mean, strictly speaking the anime (and manga, I’d assume, since there’s a whole spinoff LN about it) doesn’t tell us that much about her mentality in middle school, but of Sayaka’s many, many insecurities, given that she constantly drives to be the academic and athletic equal to a self-made wunderkind, I’m not sure being “ordinary” is something Sayaka is particularly interested in being; if anything, given how her drive to succeed is one of the things Sayaka loves about Touko, it’s probably quite the opposite; that she especially likes people that she feels are extraordinary or try to excel. 

But setting that little bit of silliness aside, in many ways Sayaka is very, very different from the kid initially deeply hesitant in her own feelings. And in many ways is far better off for it; she’s certainly somebody with a drive and a purpose in her life, somebody that has found somebody she cares about and is willing to protect who does care about her in turn (if in a different way than she might like), she’s somebody that strives to do her best in everything she sets her mind to do, and often manages to accomplish that. She has her issues, plenty of issues, but many of them aren’t things the girl in front of her seems to understand at all, and if anything Sayaka would feel is responsible for. And they’re issue that she is often, slowly, trying to get better at, step by step. 

  But now the person that, in many ways, challenged and could have obliterated her very sense of self, is basically saying that that Sayaka is the one that matters, and the Sayaka that Sayaka has worked so hard to be, has put all her life into being, is “wrong” somehow, and that’s not something Sayaka would be particularly inclined to let go. 

Like, in many senses Sayaka is like Touko in that she is tied and fixated to a perception of herself in the past. But whereas Touko is somebody that can’t escape that self and refuses to even try, Sayaka would prefer, at this point, to simply make a clean break of it. 

And so Sayaka does, as grandly and personally as a person probably could do. And I think that honestly, Sayaka probably genuinely didn’t feel that way until Senpai had been done talking; at the very least, it was something that was solidified in her at that moment. After the person she loves more than anyone else talks specifically about how she appreciates her for who she is, flawed as that person might be, and how Sayaka actually manages to make Touko stronger as a result of all her concentrated effort, well, that isn’t much of a comparison to somebody that would tell her to her face that none of that was, in essence, her choice to begin with and she would rather that person not exist. 

Like the above moment when Sayaka says this Senpai is rather happy, even if it’s because she has the totally wrong impression of what Sayaka is trying to communicate. And I think that in many ways that’s the right reaction; at the end of the day, regardless of whatever feelings the two have, had, or may have had for each other, Sayaka just ending everything now and saying, in no uncertain words, that she simply wanted Senpai out of her life, is probably what is best for the both of them, Sayaka especially, given how cathartic it would be to finally, actually, be able to say that, to be able to actually get the last word to somebody that managed to render her speechless and break her heart. 

In fact, I want to note that she completes this with a genuinely intimate gesture. This is the sort of thing Sayaka seemed genuinely terrified to do in the past, she was somebody that was all about self-control and creating a firm barrier between her and Touko, but that barrier has pretty clearly broken down a little. Touko doesn’t particularly mind this- her issue isn’t Sayaka having feelings for her at all, but simply Sayaka trying to commit to and act upon them- which I’m sure was a bit of a shot, but also something of a relief.

So! Let us move on from the past and discuss the present. Now that there is less discord in the group over the nature of the performance, the primary issue is the oncoming track meet. And Yuu and Sayaka in particular seem to be having some problems working together. Yuu is the one that takes the initiative in trying to maybe mend some fences, but Sayaka freely chooses to reciprocate, with little animosity. 

The two then chat about their first impressions of each other, and then Sayaka just kind of quietly (and quickly) says 

Like, you get the impression that having gotten to know Yuu, she doesn’t dislike her. Not really. She may dislike that Touko likes her, she may dislike how she thinks Yuu feels for Touko, but now that she has sightly tempered her jealousy, her feelings toward Yuu as a person come across as decently amicable, and that’s not really something that changes in the rest of the show. 

In a way, more than anything, what seems to be operating as a barrier is the thing that neither of them particularly seemed interested in confronting up to this point; their respective feelings for Touko. Yuu raises the issue first, with Sayaka simply dismissing it, and Yuu does the same. And thus Sayaka ends up concluding…

That that’s where they are. Two rivals in love, even if neither is willing to strictly admit to the other, Touko, or, in Sayaka’s eyes, maybe themselves. And this conversation really does seem to help them; they don’t converse much until the next episode, but they unreservedly agree on the day of the Athletic Meet, and then during the meet itself

They actually manage to do what had been a struggle for them in the first place; get in sync enough to properly pass the baton. At heart, Sayaka’s problem, from watching the anime, isn’t animosity, both jealous and simply the two not seeming to understand each other, and not really being able to be themselves, and regardless of what they admit or don’t strictly admit, it’s clear to both of them, it seems, that that’s simply not a thing that is any longer true. 

And then there’s the bit at the camp before everything goes to hell.

This is actually a short scene but it might be worth talking about a main reason it’s probably here. Outside her final bit and the scene in 7 before she goes to talk to Miyako, this is, as far as I can tell, the only time Sayaka wears glasses in the entire show. It’s just not something that she does either at school proper or at the student council, or in any sort of casual capacity. She is of course, happy to do it in her own home, and evidently occassionally in front of Touko. It shows, to an extent, a weakness or flaw of her’s- nobody would judge her at all for being near-sighted, most probably, but it’s something that she feels holds her back, and she doesn’t want other people to see it, unless they’re people that on some level, she has some degree of comfort with. 

And Yuu is in the room too. She’s okay with Yuu also being in this moment, of seeing something that she lets very few people see, because she simply feels that Yuu isn’t somebody that she needs to hide her insecurities or weaknesses from, because on one level or another, they’re two people that understand each other. 

Things take a darker turn at the end of the night, with Sayaka thinking about how she wishes she could do something, but in the end she’s glad Yuu’s there, because as much as she loves Touko, she also loves what they have right now, that there is a time and place for those happy moments, and gets that potentially ruining everything simply isn’t what she wants. 

Of course, then everything goes to hell, as it does. 

After Touko breaks, Sayaka is not only able to quickly figure out that something’s wrong, but very quickly what happened, and even why it bothered Touko so much. 

And that’s simply because she’s somebody that does, on some level, get who Touko is, and many of Touko’s problems. She knew, after all, to look for the student council book of her sister in the first place even before Touko thought to hide ti. On some level Sayaka isn’t just attentive, but she’s somebody that gets Touko enough that trying to hide things from her… doesn’t really work.

And so, she decides on a plan, and a way to deal with Yuu.

And it’s pretty placid, as it goes. Unlike the last time she feels the need to make such a missive, she feels no need to make things personal and is simply calm and frank: Touko doesn’t want Yuu worrying about her, she’ll take care of this. And on some level it may be (okay is) a jealousy thing, in part this is simply a duty Sayaka has assigned herself and has always had for herself. If she can’t do it now, when she alone understands the problem, when she alone has the knowledge necessary to solve it, what purpose does she have, really? 

And, well, it doesn’t quite work out that well. And I think there’s a couple reasons for that. Number 1.

I think Sayaka gets quite a bit of what is going on with Touko at this point, and I think the point Sayaka is trying to make is one that Touko does really need to hear. But the larger issue is one that she’s simply missing partially because she doesn’t know about this part of Touko’s life, she only knows about Touko after she began her years-long performance and given that they both were continually trying to keep the other as emotionally distant as possible. That’s a distance Sayaka is trying to close right now, both as a friend and as somebody that loves Touko. But Touko is simply too closed off with that information at heart, and she simply doesn’t know enough about Touko’s life, the “real” Touko’s life, to really get at the core of the problem.

But I think there’s another fundamental one. It goes back to what is occurring with Touko being “better” for her in the long run”. Like, I’m entirely unconvinced that Sayaka really gets how completely self-destructive Touko is. She has rarely tried to really get close to Touko before, especially on these sorts of terms. It took Touko basically outright saying it to Yuu, someone who knows Touko on this level simply a lot better, to really figure out what the core issue is. 

Like, for somebody who sees Touko as somebody that always strives to do better at what she achieves, and excels, the two things she says she loves about Touko the most, the possibility that all this stems from Touko simply despising herself as a person is something that would be rather difficult for her to grasp, and rather understandably so. So her attempts just… don’t work, and it comes down to Yuu figuring out a way to improvise things, because she’s really the only one that can.

The rest of the final episode is pretty much all Touko and Yuu, but we do get one final shot of Sayaka at the end, reading something and then smiling. 

It’s kind of hard to say what that is exactly, it can’t be an edited script because we just saw Koyomi slaving away on it in a previous shot, but regardless it does seem like, for one reason or another, Sayaka has regained a bit of optimism about things, and a degree of determination which is all for the good.

Okay that was far too long (4.6k words really now) but thank you for coming to my Sayaka-chan Ted Talk. 

Hope your day goes well. Cheers. 

[justselfloathingthings-blog]

I’m appalled that something this brutal could be allowed on Japanese television.

Imagine if there were children watching

Think of the Children, Bloom Into You.

[kotokos-cafe]

Sayaka, Celestia, Kyoko, And Kaede With A Fem!Artist S/O Who Used To Draw Nude Women And Is Embarrassed About It Now

Sayaka had been over to your house to watch a movie with you one morning.

However, you excused yourself to the bathroom for a moment or two, telling her not to do anything crazy without you.

Sayaka laughed and told you not to worry.

"I pinky promise, S/O! And a pinky promise is for life!"

Chuckling at your girlfriend's cuteness, you left her alone in your living room.

When you were gone, however, Sayaka eventually got lonely and bored without you, so she started poking around randomly to entertain herself.

You can only imagine the shock and redness of her face when she stumbled upon a sketchbook full of drawings of naked women.

Quickly, she tucked it back into where she found it and sat rigidly on the couch, clawing at the hem of her skirt.

You came in on your girlfriend looking as though she had been turned into a tomato, based on the shade of her face.

"Saya? What's wrong? Why are you so red?"

"N-Nothing, S/O! Nothing at all!"

Aside from that moment, she's an A-plus actor in pretending she never saw the sketchbook.

She'll never let on that she knows.

It'll be her little secret. :)

Celestia is the kind of person that appreciates the fine arts, such as the sculptures made by the Greeks and Romans, despite most of them all being nude, ad well.

She thinks the architecture and work that went into them just shows the dedication the ancient societies had for their deities, after all.

So when she broke in one morning, as she normally did, to ask you to accompany her to a café, she spotted a book hanging from one of your kitchen cabinets.

She thought it was an odd place to have a book, but nonetheless, wanting to be courteous to you, she reached for it to put it back. Then it fell out of the cabinet.

Celeste was shocked when it opened to a drawing of a woman with very large... assets...

Was that what you were into? She certainly didn't measure up... She didn't look like that...

That was when she realized... she now has blackmail for life.

"S/OOOOOO~."

"Yes, Celeste?"

"I order you to take me to my favorite café to order my royal milk tea. Or else."

"Or else?"

"Why, your artistry will go on display, of course!"

She shows shows the pictures on her phone and all the color drains from your face right before her eyes.

"Darling, I'm joking. Though I must say, your skill in the arts is remarkable. Have you considered doing it professionally?"

"That's what that was... Ah, please don't tell anyone!"

She chuckles.

"Darling, if you don't wish for it to become public knowledge, I will refrain from sharing."

And so you both move on, and yes, you get Celeste her royal milk tea.

When Kyoko showed up to your house, it was because she had agreed to come over and help you with cleaning.

When she entered, she saw how bad the house really looked. Including several drawings of naked women who were posed in normal-esque manners.

"Were you an art student, S/O?"

"What do you mean?"

"You've certainly drawn an incredible amount of unclothed women..."

You explained to her that you used to be an artist who drew those women for a profit, causing Kyoko to smile.

"So what I'm hearing is... you made money off of seeing girls naked? Anyone's dream, I suppose. Still, why did you remain with the career for long enough to do all of these?"

"Why else? Money."

"That makes sense."

She helped you clean all the drawings up and place them somewhere safer, leaving the choice whether to keep them or throw them away up to you.

If you chose to keep them, she helps you hang them up on your wall, reassuring you of you being talented and the drawings being spectacular, or placing them into an organized folder.

And if you chose to throw them away, secretly, she keeps them. She likes viewing the work of something so perfectly made by her own S/O's handiwork, after all.

She loves everything you've made, and can't see what's to come next. :)

Kaede was laying beside you after a cuddling session in your room when she spotted one of the drawings over your shoulder.

"Is that a naked girl?"

Not wanting to lie to her, you nodded and told her the honest truth.

"Yeah... I, uh, I used to draw naked women for practice and stuff..."

"I think that's really epic! I've heard that a lot of artists start that way, and have to draw naked women in art school, and everything."

"No, it's embarrassing... I feel like such a pervert now..."

"Nothing wrong with mastering the female anatomy artistically!"

Her enthusiasm, while very comforting, also serves to make you more embarrassed. You were convinced that Kaede was an angel and that you didn't deserve her.

What other girlfriend would be so accepting of you seeing the bodies of other girls?

Kaede Akamatsu, that's who!

She'll actually do her best to get you new models, if you'd like to continue doing it.

But if not, or if you'd like something else, Kaede will also volunteer to pose so you can draw her! Be it clothed or nude.

All in all, she's probably the most supportive out of all the girls on this list.

And you wouldn't have it any other way. :>

[goji-pilled]

a drabble in th DW AU, maybe a year b4 Anthony is born but after the events with Hanna nd Walpy.

"Hey, Homura?"

Lifting her eyes away from her book, a story detailing the events of teenagers traveling the world of the human subconscious, the Time Traveler looked at her friend-and-maybe-sister. Saya- Oktavia. Oktavia von Seckendorff Akemi, you're better than this! Oktavia looked at her from seat on the couch, fishing magazine left forgitten on the cushion.

Raising an eyebrow Homura nodded at the Witch before her, all of them resting after a day of saving Witches and giving mercy to other Witches. Today was a long one where they helped brought back some lives before they lost themselves to despair, reunited friends and families. It always warmed Homura's heart a bit whenever they successfuly Domesticated a Witch, her thoughts escaling to a certain clockwork theatr girl...

"Stop me if I hit a nerve, or if you don't wanna say anything. But I was wondering... ever since you told us about how you wished to, ya know, go back in time... And how you had to repeat March and April so many times until now... I was just- just wondering, outta the blue, and it popped into my mind and I, uh-"

Homura would readily tell anyone who asked, after she was severly ineberated - by sleep deprivation or alchohol whichever came first - that she missed all her friends. She missed them all, loved them all like they were her family, and was always disheartened whenever she had to reaquaintace herself with them. Homura obviously wouldnt give or do anything to change her current present, to alter reality to fit her needs when she already has so much.

But she'd appreciate if Oktavia, and everyone else really, would stop walking on eggshells around her.

"Oktavia there is nothing you need to worry about saying that wont have me either breaking or leaving mid-stasis." Enforcing her statement the Time Traveler closed her book and daintily pressed her hands together, the picture of immaculate ladiness in high class society. "Now please, either speak your mind or stop searching for flys; mermaid you are we still have food in the fridge."

Oktavia seemed to momentarily want to bean the other girl over the head eith something, but to Homura's shock and pride the Witch mearly scoffed and slumped into her seat. After a moment where Oktavia had only conflicted eyes and a guilty frown, she opened her mouth once more.

"Did- Do we usually hate each other, at first?"

Oh. This was going to be one of those Talks isn't it?

Slumping into her own seat, the recliner letting out Homura's unspoken groan, she shifted into her uniform and brought out a bottle of cider with two mugs, things she cant really recall picking up during her loops. Setting the mugs down on the table the Time Traveler poured out the contents of the bottle into two awaiting vessels. Then, once the mugs reached near peak overflow she stopped and put the bottle down, resting it with her book and the mugs.

"... I suppose we never really hated each other in other time lines. If anything, during the earliest of loops we held an... unspoken competition between each other." Picking up a mug Homura drank her cider, wincing at the bitter taste, seriously when and why the hell did she grab this?

Following her friends actions, Oktavia took her mug and tried to drink the cider, scrunching her face up for some bad after taste. She surprised the both of them when she drank half of her mug without batting an eye; she actually kinda liked it!

"What kind of, rivalry did we have, I guess?" There were some ideas Oktavia had when she was still Miki Sayaka, of having childish competitions and pranks being pulled on the Transfer Student. There were times where she wanted to see if the dark haired beauty was still human deep down.

"Usually we never really interact with one another, unless Madoka introduces the two of us. Whenever we do you always held this ugly stare whenever it was just the three of us. I was always worried I had slighted you in some way.

"Then I learned - from yourself by the way - that you were just very petty and jealous of me."

Oh god. Oktavia's face was on fire now, her heart was beating like mad as she very easily imagined herself getting bitter at Homura should they ever first meet up. Hell, she remembers when earlier in their second year of middle school Madoka told Sayaka of the dream she had involving Walpy and Homs. She can intimately recall the shock and bitter feeling she had when Madoka went on and on about a "dark haired magical girl".

She was really such a fool, gods.

"W-wu-wuh-Wait a second! What do you mean I was jealous? I mean yeah, I could get it if ya hogged up all of Madoka's free time to yourself-" understandable, really, Miki Sayaka was a lonely girl and always wanted to feel needed by her best friend, "- but to have some sorta conpetition? I don't, what?"

Homura giggled - she fucking giggled, damn her - into the mug she barely drank out of, sipping some more cider. "I was shocked myself, when you approached me and declared us rivals for, and I quote this, 'the position of Madoka's future wife'!"

Ooooh boy if she wasn't embarrassed she was now. All the jokes she mad eaboit Madoka being her wife were biting her in the ass. Fuck, actually now that she thought about, her constant "waifu-claiming" of her best friend raised alot of flags about herself.

She was destined to fall wasn't she? Baka mitai~

"If you want, you could guess as to how you went about setting up our little 'competitions'? They were actually fun to partake in, looking back." Ah, Homura had her Wistful smile. The smile she made when she remembered happy memories. At least there was some good from her other selves shenanigans.

"*sigh* Alright, let's see... Did I ever have us fight for Madoka's hand in marriage or something?" She didn't want to think it but that sounded like prime Miki Sayaka bullheadedness. She was amazed to see Homura shake her head.

"Surprisingly you never did. You always made claims, around the others too, that you'd treat Madoka better and show me my place, but that was all in jest and in moments of levity." Oh thank god, past her wasn't a total jerk or moron.

They ended up playing a game of sorts, Oktavia guessing what past versions of her did to fuel their rivalry, and Homura telling stories of every time she failed to beat Miki Sayaka in her little games.

Eventually their mugs were empty and were left in a quiet mood. The tension rose between them as the felt the other shoe about to drop, the merryment soon to vanish.

"I can't... really recall the last time our games ended. I just know that one day, I tried going back to 'Moemura' as you all called me at one point or another, and you just..." She was sad. Homura had one hell of a poker face, even when she let herself go around her family. But Oktavia knew those eyes, they were eyes that had their hearts broken and stomped on, their hopes and dreams shattered.

"Sometimes you were already an item, a fact I was disheartend but happy to learn, knowing you'd keep Madoka loved and safe. But whenever she tried to help us become friends, you became bitter and jealous. I ended up falling back into my own cynicism and... the loops affected our relationahip and karmic destinies..."

Right, something Oktavia still sometimes forgot about. How each looped compunded their worth, their potential, their power. And even sometimes theur memories. Oktavia couldn't ever recall feeling senses of deja vu, but she'd imagine Madoka feeling it a lot.

"I started distrusting you, disliking you whenever we tried to be friends, huh?"

"Indeed... it got worse whenever I tried explaing the System, and the Cycle. Yku always reacted the worst, initially, out of everyone."

"... I never, like... attacked you, unprovoked... did I?"

"No, you never did. I always hoped it was because you remembered our games... the times where you listened to me and gave me a chance to speak my mind..."

"... I'm sorry Homura. For making your life and mission harder than it should've been."

"You don't have to apologize. When I learned who you were as a person, who you are at your heart, I could never hate you for it. Disgruntled, bitter and even tired yes. But I never truly hated you."

"... I-I don't... *sniff* Thank you, Homura. I'm sure the other me's also didn't hate you. Maybe they couldn't remember why, exactly, maybe it warped them, but I-I know that- In my heart I never hated you in these past two years. You're family to me."

"I- *cough* Thank you, Okta-"

"Sayaka. For now."

"... Thank you, Sayaka. I- I missed you. I missed my friend. My 'rival'."

"...Heh. You better treat her right, got it Transfer Student? Or I'm gonna have to lay the hammer of justice on ya, for breaking a fair maiden's heart!"

"Oh heavens me, I'd never dream of it you incessant Flounder. I would sooner expect barbs than encouragement from my opponent! Perhaps I have, earned a blessing of sorts?"

"... Yeah. You did.

... love you, Homs."

"Love you too, Sayaka."

"Eurgh, nevermind. Never say that name in that sentence evr again. Feels wrong."

"Agreed. Eat shit and die."

"Mmm yes, fcuk you."

As the two friends laughed to themselves, they never noticed their best friend Kaname Madoka keeping to herself in the kitchen, having made her way downstairs as they lost themselves. She had her hands pressed against her face, blushing like made over hearing the personal conversation.

Even as she smiled benath her palms, she shed tears of joy knkwing her two best friends were getting along, were reconcilling with each other. It made her happy, knowing the two people she loved were becoming best friends too.

And she now had to make a move on Homura before she gets any lip from Mama or Sayaka.

／人◕ ‿‿ ◕人＼

AND THEY WERE FRIENDS OUGH

[queenofthesilverdollar]

can you rank kkg characters from your most liked to least??? (you can include kkg twin too :3)

this is like a dream come true for me, thank you ilu. thank u especially for including twin because i will die if i can't talk about juraku

first is definitely everyone's girl mary saotome. she's a natural first choice for me because she's the character from whom we see the most significant growth by virtue of being a primary character in two series. also she's always so sweaty, i relate unfortunately. also also i've noticed that she has a really big heart, i think she's a really really good character

next up of course is ririka, the other character who gets a lot of growth. kkg is tough because the characters have no known interests outside gambling so we can't see her developing interests or interacting with the world but i like her dynamic with mary, who encourages her to make her own decisions but refuses to let her back down without thinking about it first.

sachiko my beloved...my most toxic trait is that i love really really mean and aggressive women. much like how she wants to see mary dangle by her last thread or whatever, i want to see sachiko go home to a loving family and enjoy herself. i really don't think she's as evil as people make her out to be, and i definitely think the live action series really made being evil her main character point, which like it is but i personally thought it was really really amplified. also did you notice how the only one who was gay in the whole series was her??? the only one who admitted that she really liked mary was her??? even mikura was toned down smh...(am azon pr ime is homophobic)

(that being said, she is just terrible, it can't be denied. like she's the literal worst, kirari doesn't even come close imo)

sakura...i think it's perfectly reasonable to say she's going through some sort of awakening, when mary tells aoi to call off their engagement if he loses she literally makes this face🥺 like 🥺 you're doing this for me??? she's an overlooked member of mary's little whatever!!! it's not even a shipping thing she like looks at mary like she's the epitome of strength.

also she's a tad dramatic and i love how she tries so hard not to but always ends up playing into whatever Sachiko throws at her...we love dumb bitches here💙

tsuzura of course, she also has a lot of growth but also she's just so sweet and it's not played as a joke or anything, she's just the sole good person in the series.

yukimi...i would actually rank her in a league if her own. she's not a voluptuous side character with ulterior motives, she doesn't stand out, she's just some nerd who got dragged along for the ride and i love her for that.

Kirari...seventh in line but that's high praise considering how much i like all these other gals. i just think she's really cool lol

yumeko... if this was 10 years ago i would have been obsessed with her. long black hair, exciting, interesting, pretty, really cool...but now i'm older and appreciate the smaller things, like character development. still adore her tho!

runa. she's up to something and i love her for that. we're both women who consume lollipops all day and ensure there's fairness in society even when people are just doing the most fucked up shit outside our presences.

sayaka. i absolutely despise obsessive characters but i think sayaka is really funny sometimes so that tips the scale in her favor a little.

i will put on the record that mikura is a victim of manipulation and is a slightly different case (though i still hate her and she's unranked but assume she's at the bottom of the list lmao).

yumemi 🤩

if i can be totally honest with you... i've been into kaede lately and i don't know why. like i read the part in the manga where he asks yumeko to gamble with him and thought "y'know, he's not that bad." (he is that bad I'm just surrounded by lawyers every day)

we got midari coming in close to last...idk something about her just irks me. i don't read her spinoff or whatever but i was hoping when she appeared in twin it would be different but it wasn't even though she was a lot different.

yuriko is next, i'm not saying anything else.

sumeragi is our least favorite girl. the nail thing is weird but also she's just a really really annoying character. she's got all her eggs in yumeko's basket despite yumeko telling her that she's not necessarily interested in becoming president and she gets upset when things don't go in yumeko's favor. like girl best stop treating mary like that because i really think she's going to win and her dumbass/big heart self would definitely find a spot for you because you would definitely annoy her to the point of breaking.

last is ryota, on trend for me but also he's just a boring character. boring design, boring personality, always trying to reel people in, no thnx💙

there's a lot of others i just don't care enough to rank lol. i will put out there that kurumi kurume is an icon whom i love but can't seem to place on this list lol

i don't have an opinion on most of the cousins but I'll rank the three i have feelings about:

-yumi. every time i see her it brightens my day. i guess i kind of have to put terano up here too because everything she does she does so they can be equals and i really respect that.

-ibara. i don't know, there's just something about him i like

miyo. it doesn't matter that it's mary she's always going after...she's just such an unlikeable character. like they all are but she's the worst.

[sintreaties]

what interest you about sakura miharutaki?

As of today, Sakura’s character is my favorite in Twin, for a multitude of reasons.

When it comes to the main characters in the series, we have Mary of course, and her buddies, who are just too plain for me. Then we have Aoi, who’s a dick, Sachiko, who’s also a dick and whose persona seems to revolve exclusively around the concept of “I like pain and I want to inflict it on you”; there’s Mikura who’s the very contrary, and at the end this couple seems made more with feticistic interests than to drive the story onward. Sachiko’s goal of “I don’t care who falls between Kirari and Aoi, I just want to be there to see how they suffer through it” lacks the power-driven nature of most of the KKG characters in the main series, like Manyuda, Yuriko and Yumemi. They have good, organical reasons to stay on top, while Sachiko seems literally just to be a very toxic “who’s your daddy” archetype. Mikura is just an extension of her, her personality aside from a flashback is entirely driven by Sachiko. Although Sachiko has the looks, it’s still not enough to make a compelling characters.

(I won’t consider Sayaka or Kirari because their appearances are very rare, plus I believe Kirari is drawn so........ ugly — I’m sorry but it’s true— to take away some of her charm, otherwise Aoi wouldn’t stand a chance lmao)

(Beware of spoilers now)

Which brings us to Sakura. Sakura’s character is interesting because it’s varigated. She is a strong female character, and although she’s showed always so stern and cold and rigid, we also see her blush while talking about Aoi, we see her smile while relaxing around Mary and her friends. She cares about her duties to her fiance, to their families and to the Full Bloom Society. She has respect for most of the other characters. Her relationships with them change as the story proceeds (see, Mary in the latest arc). She has the looks too and in the latest volume the artist really gave his best. Here’s some examples (I’m on mobile so forgive me if I can’t add a cut)

(I know she’s very plain, but the second image is just stunning for me)

In volume 9 in particular, we see her step up to oppose Aoi. She’s the one who knows him best, she’s always done her best to be at this side and support him, and yet he still acts like a dick. He crosses a line in his ambitions, he shows a fatal weakness. Which is why Sakura decides to stop him.

Now, I’ll go as far as to say that, althouh Sachiko seems like a Kirari bootleg to many because of the power dynamics she has over Mikura and others, Aoi rapresents for us a failed impression of Kirari. Which allows a parallel between Sayaka and Sakura, as they both have enough respect for themselves to openly purse their goals (ToD, Sakura’s latest gamble) and yet still show devotion to their counterparts. I kind of mention this thought once in my latest fic.

(By this I don’t mean to say that KiraSaya and AoiSaku are exactly the same. The latter is much more shallow and I bet it will be shown at the end, when Aoi will either accept Sakura back or even upon his second refusal she will still remain devoted to him, in a dynamic that lacks because I don’t think they’ll get anything similar to the ToD arc).

In both couples there’s a character who has his or her own goal and another who aims to support the latter. In this light, I don’t like Aoi, because so far his reasons to become President are still too flimsy and he’s just unlikeable for me, but I do appreciate Sakura and her efforts. I do hope she’ll get away from him in the end. I do hope her character will keep growing. And if she won’t, I’ll try to take care of that in my fics lol.

Also, when it comes to shipping, a friend of mine is a real fan of Sachiko/Mikura/Sakura as OT3. I want to break this dynamic and explore it differently. Mainly, I just want to get Sachiko away from those girls because they deserve better in my opinion ahah.

[pandas-pandemonium]

Yandere! Shigaraki, I’ve thought over your offer. But I’ve got to decline. I can’t dedicate myself to your cause. Maybe heroes aren’t as bad as you and me thought. I’m not sure. All I know is that I want to continue teaching at UA. So, I would appreciate if you would keep your distance as it would be terrible if I had to turn in an old friend of mine. I want to start a new life without you or crime. Got it? I don’t need you anymore. So back off and let me be happy for once. -Sayaka

Dear Sayaka,

I can't believe you would betray me like this!! We've known each other for years, and you're still gonna leave me like this?! Heroes are scum, worthless. Don't tell me you're planning to lower yourself to their level Sayaka.

I can't believe you're letting yourself getting all wrapped up in this shitty society that's abandoned people like us! They'll leave you for dead again, and I know it. When that time comes, and you realise how weak heroes are, you'll come crawling back.

I'll make sure of it

Shigaraki

[bigjumpervibes]

I'm so happy this week is over, thanks to the people who chatted to me and also thanks to anyone whose ever left a comment on my writing or art, I reread them this week (I reread them every now and again for a boost of motivation) and they gave me a great sense of comfort when feeling not the best 💖 I just really appreciate it

To the asks I have - I will get to you, I don't get many asks so I want to do something special for them ☺️

In the meantime my current projects are:

- University and Society Chapter 17

- Laying out a structure for my next Ishimondo Fic (buddy cop / crime / thriller - Think Se7en ish)

- Art of the fish tank scene in Romeo & Juliet but Ishimondo (I decided to repaint the backgrounds... It was a bad idea)

- Art of Sayaka as the main character in the Easy by Mat zo and Porter Robinson music video (one of my favourite music videos of all time)

Once again thank you 🥺 I'm getting back to being pumped up to create ✨

[shoujobees]

Favorite Girls Part 3/6

tsukimi: seemingly plain, scared of everything, both disdainful and envious of the hot, fashionable, and competent, she finds refuge in her passions. i get that. the series gently pushes her and the other otaku forward out of their bubble and questions their own biases. for people who don’t appreciate makeup or care for appearances, the series says “that’s okay, none of you are lesser for it, but if you want to interact with society as it is with less grief, it would help to abide with some of the rules of superficiality. even if you don’t like it, you can use it.” also, tsukimi gets to live with her best friends in a giant house, and i hope im living that life in another timeline.

shiemi/izumo: shiemi starts off soft, sweet, extremely eager to please, and izumo, cold, arrogant, and confrontational. complete opposites :D i didn’t expect these girls to get the development and backstory they did, but the mangaka did NOT skimp on either.

homura/sayaka: homura’s got aesthetic, grace, and endless grief. there’s nothing not to like. and for me, sayaka broke down the nobility of self-sacrifice. all while being manipulated and misled, she didn’t know what she really wanted or needed, but made a drastic decision with the sincere intent to help people. her spiral into self-destruction was chilling.

futaba: i related a lot to how she desperately wanted to be bolder but floundered as she found it difficult and unnatural. this was a really effective contrast to kou, who had given up on life, but was effortlessly able to bullshit his way through obligations. this dynamic sold me on the series. i also liked how even though she’s thoughtful and sweet, she’s also kinda pushy lol. she can be selfish and she recognizes that - there was a lot of introspection on futaba’s end that i enjoyed reading.

reblogs appreciated!

[writingdotcoffee]

#85: Airplane Mode as a Way of Life

Distractions are slowly destroying our ability to focus. It’s difficult to fully appreciate the effect phones and social media have on our productivity when we are so used to the constant stream of notifications, the infinite feeds and live-streamed news.

Most of us would probably recognise the compulsive urge to check something on your phone and the odd tension that comes along when you don’t do it. After years and decades of being interrupted dozens and hundreds of times a day, it’s easy to dismiss this as a feature of living in the 21st century, something to get used to. Who would trade their phone for a fax machine anyway?

When Neil Gaiman sits down to work on a book, he has one rule: he can either write or do nothing. He’s not allowed to call a friend, read a book or the news. He makes himself bored and eventually, writing becomes the preferable option to staring out of the window the whole afternoon. I love that. What a simple yet powerful way to turn the odds in your fight against resistance.

With a phone in your pocket, this is nearly impossible to do. The endless supply of instant gratification, carefully optimised to suit your preferences, is the very antidote to boredom. And when writing gets really, really difficult, you won’t be able to resist.

So how can you keep your phone and your sanity at the same time? Here’s what I do.

Since April last year, I’ve been using an app called Forest to prevent myself from using my phone when writing. In the app, I ‘plant a tree’ which will fully grow after a set period. In case you leave the app before the time’s up, the tree will die.

Since December, my phone has been in do not disturb mode permanently. I got so fed up with notifications that I had to do something. At first, I was worried that I would miss something important. I haven’t. I still receive calls so people can reach me in case of a true emergency. Everything else can wait until I’ve finished my writing session and am free to check my phone.

I’ve gone through a major shift of mindset over this. I want to use my phone when I want, not when somebody else wants me to use it. And if someone demands an instant response, I probably don’t want to talk to them anyway.

Austin Kleon’s new book arrived in the post last week. It’s a fantastic read, by the way. He dedicated a number of sections to disconnecting and takes the idea even further: ‘Airplane mode is not just a setting on your phone: It can be a whole way of life.’

Since then, I’ve been switching my phone to airplane mode every night, and I will only disable it when I’ve finished my writing the next morning.

New technology is great, but at some point, we have to look at the impact it has on the life we want to live—the good and the bad. It doesn’t have to be an all-or-nothing situation. By being more intentional about how we use these devices and services, we can keep the good and discard the bad.

As Wi-Fi access proliferates on commercial flights, there may be no use for Airplane Mode in a few years time. In case the name needs to change, Get Your Life Back Mode gets my vote.

What I Am Reading

You might have noticed that I have been reading many short stories by Franz Kafka recently. This week, I’ve finished the entire collection. It was as depressing and as well-written as I expected it would be. I ordered The Trial which I’m hoping to read soon.

I also finished The People vs Tech by Jamie Bartlett. This was a quick but very good read. I’m interested in the intersection of technology and everyday life. This book is primarily about how new technology affects politics and society — from social media to bitcoin.

In an extraordinarily productive reading week, I also read Keep Going by Austin Kleon which arrived rather unexpectedly. It came out on Monday, but I pre-ordered it ages ago and forgot about it.

I’m just about to finish Normal People by Sally Rooney, and then I’ll be reading Convenience Store Woman by Sayaka Murata which I picked randomly in the bookshop yesterday.

Short Stories

A Report to an Academy by Franz Kafka

First Sorrow, A Little Woman by Franz Kafka

A Hunger-Artist by Franz Kafka

Josefine, the Singer, or The Mouse People by Franz Kafka

Aeroplanes in Brescia, Great Noise, The Coal-Scuttle Rider by Franz Kafka

The Blue Fox by Ian Green

Mr. Cosby Made Me Do It by Lisa Gordon

Want More?

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Past Editions

#84: It’s an Excavation, March 2019

#83: The Bookshop Anxiety, March 2019

#82: On Regularity, March 2019

#81: What Inspires Me, March 2019

#80: A Day In the Life of a Writer, March 2019

[welcometomymindscape]

I think in many senses Touko was relying on Sayaka to back her up here- I mean look at her reaction in that second panel in the second cap. If she can get someone with Sayaka’s position to back her up, she probably can essentially win a war of attrition and keep the play the same. And Sayaka backing her up isn’t an unreasonable supposition; after all it’s something that Sayaka has done consistently ever since the beginning. But that is something that has started to change a little; you saw it back after she talked with Miyako, and she shifted from deferring to Touko’s superiority to actually wanting to challenge her. It was a small step, but it was definitely the first one, and she’s only taken more since then. 

She wants to help Touko, she wants to protect Touko from harm, and I think she’s beginning to understand that that doesn’t just mean doing what Touko wants and thinking that she knows what’s best for herself. She basically says as much in a following panel, that she gets much of Touko’s issue at this point, just as Yuu does, likely especially after reading Yuu’s alterations and thinking about it a little. And realizes that this would be for the best.

There’s still hesitation, of course, this is something of a big step for her. But she is finally ready to start taking it. But there’s a bit more to dig into here.

She indicates in an earlier panel that she figured out that this was primarily Yuu’s idea, and it’s rather clear that at this point, her attitude toward Yuu is simply so much different than the jealous that radiated from her for so much of the early part of the series. She’s somebody that may consider Yuu a rival still, but there is a fundamental respect there now. I’m not sure they’re “friends” per se, but she sees her as somebody whose opinions regarding Touko are worthy of consideration, and freely willing to admit when Yuu understands Touko, or willing to take a step, in a way that Sayaka simply isn’t. 

She understands that Yuu is, if nothing else, an ally. She wants Touko to be happy just as much as she does, and they’re both working toward the same goal. That they can fill in the gaps for each other, and that she can’t let her own feelings ignore that. It really is remarkable how much she’s grown up throughout the series, little by little. Heartwarming really. 

[justselfloathingthings-blog]

Sayaka’s Senpai: I've been really worried about you, I want to make sure I didn't turn you gay and that you're a normal girl again. 

Sayaka: Oh. You were worried about me? How sad. Touko, play despacito.